I am not The OOP, OOP is u/anonaccountweirdo
My [24M] girlfriend [24F] went way too far pranking her male friend [24M] and now I'm wondering if the pranks are flirtation after all.
Thanks to u/YellowKingSte for suggesting this and u/alexanderthemeh for finding the last update
TRIGGER WARNING: assault, emotional infidelity, accusations of infidelity, harassment, physical violence, manipulation, body injuries, verbal abuse
Original Post July 2, 2015
My girlfriend of 2 years has had this male friend for a while, his name is Declan and I'm not his biggest fan but I didn't want to impede on the friendship. So she told me last week that Declan pranked her by calling her up and pretending to be Jack Nicholson with one of those soundboards, so she wants to 'get him back.' So as a 'joke' the next time we were over at his place she used his landline to call a sex hotline that charged by the minute and then just left the phone there. Declan gets charged like $200 for it.
So Declan strikes back at her again (at this point they're still just being "goofy" and I don't really mind). He comes over to her place for a party she was throwing, then hides this creepy decapitated doll in her closet. She finds it, freaks out, but then starts laughing.
Now she wants to prank Declan even harder, so she knows he's scared of clowns and she literally makes this giant paper mache clown statue that's hollow on the inside. She wants to put it in his house (apparently his roommate will let her in or something) then hide in it all night and then pop out of it as soon as he notices it.
So, I tell her this seems a little extreme but she does it anyway. Fast forward to that night. I get a call from my girlfriend because Declan apparently punched her in the face as soon as he saw her pop out of the clown thing, totally as a knee-jerk reaction because he didn't know it was her. Her nose wound up getting broken, she had to go to the hospital.
Now she's fine (although she is still wearing a splint) but she wants to continue pranking Declan. At this point should I put my foot down? She is actually getting injured and it makes me wonder if she just likes being around him so much that she is using the pranks as an excuse.
tl;dr: Girlfriend is in "prank war" with her best male friend, is it leading up to an emotional affair?
Update July 2, 2015 (16 hours later)
Didn't think I'd have to do an update so soon after posting my OP, but here goes. first post
I talked to my girlfriend about Declan and I told her that the pranks are getting dangerous, and she is unreasonably close to a guy she's only known for such a short amount of time (she refers to him as "her brother" and her "BFF" but it's literally been 5 months).
I thought she would react in a mature way, but instead she said (almost word for word): "This is why I am always pranking Declan. At least Declan has a good sense of humor. I wouldn't even need to hang out with Declan if you weren't so uptight." So, at least now I have confirmation that she hangs out with Declan specifically because she thinks I am not good enough.
We wind up having a screaming match, and the door rings so she goes to get it. It's this guy in a giant gorilla costume, who barges in and starts humping all our furniture. Immediately I assume it's fucking Declan, so I (keep in mind I was already extremely angry) punch him in the face.
He takes off the mask, it's Declan's roommate Chad. Apparently Declan paid Chad $100 to scare us in the gorilla suit as a diversion, because he was right behind Chad. While Chad was humping our furniture, Declan snuck into our bedroom and put ham underneath the mattress cover.
So I tell both of these dudes to get the fuck out and stop pranking us. I thought I was finally standing up to Declan when finally my girlfriend tells me that the prank was "hilarious" and she's going to give me time to cool off. She leaves with Chad and Declan, and keep in mind Chad's nose is still bleeding and he's wearing the gorilla suit.
I haven't heard from her yet today, but I saw her post a picture of a bagel on Instagram this morning so I know she's awake. I still don't know where she slept last night or what happened with Declan.
I want to break up because I'm so angry but weirdly enough I still really love her (I can't help it) and I don't want to waste two years.
tl;dr: Girlfriend's annoying male friend pulled a stupid prank on us, girlfriend got mad at me for not finding it funny and left the apartment with him
Final update July 6, 2015
Well, this is the latest one:
Here. Spread it around! I can't believe I was removed!
For those of you who don't want to read the earlier posts, my girlfriend (now ex) got way too close to her male friend Declan through an infantile prank war, whose roommate Chad facilitated some of the pranks. I also want to say THANK YOU for the helpful PMs and comments of support, I got way too many to reply to all of them, but they were all helpful.
Sorry for updating so late, a lot has happened and it was 4th of July weekend.
The night of my previous post, I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her pretty much exactly what was suggested. I even told her hat I thought her behavior with Declan was already an emotional affair if not a physical one. Not surprisingly, she flipped out at me and told me I was being emotionally abusive and controlling. She told me that every ex-boyfriend she's had has been emotionally abusive and I fall right into that category. ok. lol
Because she's only "kind of" living with me and technically not on the lease (she's just slowly been staying here more often and has a key) it was pretty easy to kick her out. I wasn't sure if she was going to return to her old roommate, who has most of her stuff (her female friend) or if she'd start living with Declan and Chad (his roommate). When I asked her if she was going to move in with Declan, she told me it was no longer my business.
Anyway, so that night I tried to relax...I was pretty upset but pretty sure in my decision to dump her, and I felt like I could start new, meet someone else, etc. Then I got a bunch of random calls on my phone from a restricted number, when I picked up nobody was there. So I turned my phone on silent, figuring this was one of her immature schemes (tbh I still don't know who did it, I'm just assuming her or Declan) and in the morning I had 60 missed calls from restricted numbers.
In the morning I actually got a text from Declan asking to come over to pick up my girlfriend's stuff. So...yes, she moved in with him. I tried to be civil because I really just wanted to get her stuff out of my apartment, but I also wanted closure, so when he got here, I just told him that his relationship with her directly influenced the breakup, and that I know they're together now.
Now, this is where things get weird. Declan looks at me- surprised- and tells me that he doesn't think my girlfriend is into him, and that he definitely isn't into her. I told him to cut the crap, that it doesn't matter anymore. He seemed to be getting anxious and panicky, so I told him to calm down, i wasn't going to hurt him, I just wanted to know the deal. Then he tells me that he knows he directly contributed to our breakup, but not in the way I think--apparently it was Chad, not Declan, who wanted to bang my girlfriend. Chad was too shy and asked Declan to befriend my girlfriend and act as a "wingman." Declan has tons of female friends so Chad thought he would effectively gain her trust and be a good "in". Declan insisted the reason he kept pranking her and being goofy was because he was hoping it would paint their relationship as clearly non-romantic. Apparently Chad paid him back for all the times he had to lose money in a prank, and Chad was actually the one paying for my girlfriend's broken nose.
I told him "Well, that was a stupid plan because my girlfriend moved in with you specifically to be with you, so that sucks for all three of you." Declan got extremely upset and seemed to be practically shaking at the idea that my girlfriend had feelings for him, he was acting like he murdered someone.
So now my girlfriend (well, ex) is living with the guy she has a crush on (who has no feelings for her) and a guy who has a crush on her but was too creepy and weird to say it. I hope they all have fun together.
tl;dr: Dumped girlfriend, she moved in with Declan and it turns out Declan doesn't like her, Chad does.
I'm sure she will contact me again once it dawns on her that the "wrong guy" is interested. I will update you all if that happens.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My sister went for pilot season to Hollywood in the 1990s. She was about 13 to 14, she was there for a year and was by far not agreeable when she came back.
When I was in my 20s mulling over a cosplay design, I happened on a notebook I made of clothes and costumes for my sister. She and I were alone and she said she had taken my notebook back in 1996 and hoped that I would stop designing costumes, she said she heard her agent once comment about a design I was drawing.
While at 23 I was angry she did it, but she had told me about exploitation. She had heard about how he would not give me any credit, so the notebook mysteriously disappeared, it was in all these years in a suitcase buried under my sister's bed. For most part I am no artist, but when it came to designing cosplay or costumes where my sister was involved, I took a lot of liberties.
Much of her costumes were creations shared between my mother and myself. We opted changes and I wanted a more cosplay feel.
Cosplay was not a huge thing in the 1990s as it is now.
So now that is off the chest, my sister once told me a harsh truth about her time in Hollywood as a model and actress. For most part here is what she said, "I am better off as a no name in a commercial than a Nick Kid."
She said this back in 2001, she out right was refusing calls to auditions. She said that many problems she saw were showing up in shows we used to watch, All That, Drake and Josh, and more, we were watching Nickelodeon's shows until we both saw the foot skit in one show and I out of the blue said, "gross, that isn't even funny."
My sister changed the channel and said she'd rather watch Toonami or Adult Swim. This was the one time my sister took Inuyasha over her shows on Nickelodeon. She said she now knew why I went to Japanese Anime so quickly, also admitted one of my costumes was taken.
She brought the notebook she stole from me back in 1995 or so, said she flipped to my Sailor Mars design. Which by the way looked awful, yet I saw notes scrolled next to it. Body measurements and such, this was not my handwriting. She explained that her agent was making notes and hot takes of how I should consider art school and not go into political science.
He even was talking to my mom about it and that she should pressure me into art classes. This was not taken seriously as my mother didn't see me as an artist, just a sp.ed. She explained that too and got the rebuff by this guy, "how is she a retard?" He basically called my mom gross for not taking my talents seriously.
It doesn't replace how I felt about the guy, he was creepy and also was seen in images in the show Quiet on Set. When I see the images of him I still get chills that he wanted my sister and mom to have me go to art school and become a costume designer.
He also told my mom to stop taking credit for costumes clearly that I designed. I was not amused by the story my sister told me and I was scared of the guy.
Then my sister said something I still have in my head, "I am better off a nobody who does commercials than a Nick Kid." While the words are the worst to hear when my sister was amazing. I still feel that what has been said about it all speaks volumes.
Costumes were a part of my life I loved while in high school, I modified them to fit girls and boys for plays. I was back stage with a stitch kit, ready to fix rips, do costume changes and repairs. I was not an actor, I was a back stage hand. I knew how to work a soundboard, I knew how to set lights, I was behind the scenes never to be seen.
I wrote skits and screenplays for one acts and it was fun. The truth was my talents lay writing and I was never more than that. I still suck royal as I want to be an author, but that is a silly dream.
While my sister's agent kept in touch, I won't say I will be much as I have no name to the face anymore. He still tries to ask me about costumes and other things as he says now cosplayers like me are the ones who are a future in the industry.
I will mention that I am more knowledgeable about political science than I am for costume design. I feel that it is best to abandon such childish notions.
Note: I am not defending my sister's agent for his past actions he's done some shitty and shady shit. I know he thought he was trying to defend me and wanted me to be as successful as my sister if she became a star. I did not think costume design would pay off in the future.

Before I start this post I want to ask that nobody try to seek me out or find out my identity. I creating a burner account just for this. My parents are telling me I need to not talk about it online or too a lot of people and I need to trust the school board. It’s been over a year and nothing has happened. I am still so angry.
I (16m) went to a middle/ high art school. It’s one of the most praised in my city and anyone who lives in the school district has heard of it. I started out in 6th grade and immediatly took interest in our schools technical theatre program (aka just ‘tech’). It was originally pretty small at first and ran by a guy- who I’m just gonna call Mike. Mike was in his late 40’s/Early 50’s when I first met him. I would come over with a group of other students on the weekends to help out with whatever behind the scenes theatre stuff was going on. Occasionally we would make dirty jokes, and I though nothing of it, and made the same jokes to fit in.
I am a trans guy (which is not what this post is about), and I was raised as a girl and thought I was girl during the beggining of my time at this school. I’m only telling you this because I want ya’ll to know why I feel so passionate to pretect these other girls later on in the story.
During 7th grade I was at home during covid, but I came back at the end of the year. I didn’t have alot of friends any had really been struggling with depression, so during lunch I would just sit in the hall and and eat whatever cheap thing I had thrown in my backpack tat day. Mike would often come to see me- I don’t know if he walked the halls normally or not- and talk to me a bit. He would offer to throw away my trash, and after a while he told me I could sit in the techincal theatre booth during lunch if I wanted. (‘The booth’ was a area above the aditorioum where the lightboards, soundboards and Mikes office was).
I started eating most of my lunches there, and eventually made friends with some of the older kids. Even thinking about this years later I still miss some of them. They all stopped talking to me when I left school- alot of them were like older brothers. A few of them were the only non- immediate family who cared about me.
Mike had said I was still to “young” to help out with actually running the shows, but i would sit and observe rehersals. In 8th grade I got a part backstage, and eventually I learned how to run the lightboard for shows. I felt special and I would get praised for taking initiative.
During this time I hade learned to accept the “dirty jokes” Mike made with his students. I had heard worse.
It wasn’t until the end of the year that I realized something was wrong. I had gotten comfortable around Mike. I remeber running the lights for the highschool dance. Mike leaned over to me and made a fake meow/growl while pointing at a girl wearing leather pants. Later in the night he talked about how it looked like “these girls tits are spilling out of their dresses”. They were younger than I am now.
Mike would put his tounge between two fingers to talk about fingering. He would talk about students sex lives (16/17 year olds), he would showo us r-rated movies on his laptop. Suff with sexual jokes and uncomfortable innuendos. Mike would joke with the other theatre teachers about kids sex lives. Mike kept a pair of ceramic boobs a 15 yr old girl made him in pottery class. Someone would sit in stained chair and Mike would make joes about them “coming” on the chair. Mike talked about the boobs of a 14 year old- what he considered too young to be working backstage. Mike would talk about middle schoolers being prudes. Mike grabbed the ass of the barely legal cisting student. Mike encouraged kids to talk about their own sex lives on headset.
I was always told “What happens in the booth stays in the booth”. Dont speak about stuff, dont ruin the fun. Mike had innapropriate jokes strewn around his workspace than all of our schools admin had seen.
I made a stupid post on my instagram about how our school broke some fire safety laws (and the did), and someone sent it to the pricipal She printed it out and brought my parents in the room to scold me.
No one in the tech liked me anymore. I wasn’t “trustworthy”. We had a guest speaker come in on a saturday to teach a few of us about lightboards. I made a joke about the curtain that caught on fire, and was yelled at. I had tears streaming down my face and i walked out of the room to go home. One of the boys comforted me, telling me it was fine and that Mike just overreacted. That boy now wont talt to me ever again.
So I told my therapist about all the gross stuff I listed here (and more) and she reported it. The police said they couldnt do amything unless I told her all the names of the tech kids, or let the police department search my phone. I didn’t want my friends to get in trouble so I declined. I sent an email to the superindent and the HR guy for the disrtict. They implied something might happen but it never did. Well if you count a fucking warning, also known as a reminder to get sneakier, then yeah I guess something did happen.
I can’t do tech anymore without feeling sad and gross. I was going to go to college for it and now I don’t know what to do. My parents are telling me to keep quet and trust the HR for the distric, but I’ve lost so much.
I go online and see all the new young tech girls, and I know theres nothing i can do to save them. I want him and my former principal to get fired and shunned, but I know that will never happen. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for the typos and the long post.

Warning: Mild spoilers up to Book 2 of War of Lost Hearts series by Carissa Broadbent
Someone recommended Carissa Broadbent to me and there's a lot that I do love about the book. Max and Tissanah's dynamic, most of all, and their love story. Every part of it is sweet and we love to see a genuinely witty, sarcastic, caustic MMC who's unwillingly falling in love and is all that without being toxic. And I love how Broadbent handles Max/Nura's complicated history without getting into jealousy (Tisannah has a host of other reasons to dislike Nura and it's about her as a person, not her romantic past). Romance wise, it's all so refreshing and I genuinely think it's one of the best fantasy relationships I've gotten to read.
Book 1's ending was amazing and I couldn't wait to see how things progressed in the second book. I figured that a lot of smallelooser points would be hammered out or expanded on, some characters would get more depth, etc.
Crux of the issue: I feel like the story revolves too much around Tissanah and Max, to a fault. The other characters are more like plot points than real, breathing, people who exist outside of the MC's arcs and I feel like there's missed potential in the series.
We spent most of the first book hearing about Serel and his friendship. He chooses kindness and love even through the absolute worst a human can go through and Tissanah loves him for that. Hell, we all do, and I was looking forward to seeing his character and their friendship in more detail in Book 2. Tissanah battled and fought a war over that friendship and love. What is Serel up to while in the refuge town? How has it changed him? How does being free finally feel? How does he feel about Tissanah's terrifying rot-goddess powers that seemingly come from nowhere and level a city? How does all the upheaval in their lives affect their friendship?
Instead he's just . . . occasionally there, acting as the one line "We need to trust her" soundboard whenever Tissanah speaks with the refuges and they get angry. A plot point downgraded to a plot device. I get that Tissanah is busy, but to drop a character like that strikes me as bad writing.
It's a similar story with Sammerin. He's the calm, level-headed, good-aligned healer who's deeply competent, sees a lot of darkness, and has a big eye for the ladies. He's Max's best friend. He's done a lot for Max, both before the book started and after. But we don't really get anything about him beyond the scenes where he's needed.
And Nura! An interesting character who's been hard to read until the final stages of Book 2 where I think we really get clarity on her motivations and her final role in the plot is cemented. But again, behind all that, it's like she exists for the plot and her interaction with the MCs, and not really on her own. And it’s frustrating because there’s so much potential. I was excited when she went to show Max and Tissanah her memories and went finally! an in-depth look to her psyche and it was just . . . mainly about Max. We get one quick mention of a grandmother and growing up lonely, but then it jumps straight into Max and her story with him, how she views him, tiny little bits of comparison to him. What about her outlook on life unrelated to Max? Don't get me wrong, I think Nura is a great character and it looks like the story does hint at the emptiness that comes with ruthlessness. But I expected more. I can't shake the feeling that there was room for so much more depth that just never got picked up. One of the reasons it bugs me so much is that I find Nura interesting, especially in her new official villain role, and I've seen the depths other writers go to when creating personal backgrounds and psyches for their characters like this, and it kills me that Broadbent dropped the ball on a character that definitely deserves it.
Either Max/Tissanah are the most self-absorbed characters alive, or all the other characters lead flat, unchanging lives whenever they're not around (and even when they are).
I really liked Aefe's slow reveal over time and definitely got taken by surprise learning who the Fey King was. I had to read that line a few times. I'm starting the third book soon because I'm curious about this plot line, and I like Aefe/Reshaye, but a lot of the aspects that keep me invested in other series (multiple interesting characters who exist outside of the MC's line of vision) weren't there. Did anyone else feel similarly when reading?

I've been scouring the internet for this audio clip but can't seem to find it!
It's an audio Penny has used for her soundboard on stream and i think i've heard in videos, "What the fuck is- going on fluttershy?" the first half being a loud angry-sounding yelling voice, and the second half being Pinkie Pie's voice, yet whenever i search for it, i can't find any related memes or anything, so i'm curious to know if anybody knows where it's from? did penny splice the audio herself?

Just a rant. But I don't know why I always need to adapt to way my sister does things.
I'm pretty sure she has undiagnosed ADHD. She's sporadic, talkative, forgetful and painfully spatially unaware. You watch all these videos about the disorder and you try to have patience but I feel so exhausted.
When I come home from work or have freetime, I just want to unwind and have some peace and quiet. My sister has does not understand this even though, I have said this several times. She constantly needs to narrate and comment on EVERYTHING. Another thing that irritates me is that she asks questions but does not listen to an answer. "Why even ask if you're not interested in the answer?" She just uses me as a soundboard, basically.
It's normal once in awhile to forget sometime or misplace something right? We make small adjustments just to make sure we don't forget something.
Let's say we need to bring something tomorrow. We either pack it up in the evening or just place it somewhere we could see it clearly. My sister KNOWS she will forget in the morning while she's rushing around with her crusted eyes. She refuses to make things easier for her. Every single morning, she running around in and out of rooms finding every single item she needs. She will ask my mom where this particular clothing item she used once in 1990 is and nobody knows wtf is she talking about.
She becomes mad and ends up waking everybody up. She ends up forgetting something or misses her bus. If she needs to do a task, she does not write it down somewhere or delegates someone else (AKA ME) to do it for her. She either does everything at once or nothing at all for the next few months. We can't even coordinate doing the laundry.
I remember one of the days I clearly mentioned several times that I want to wash my clothes that day. She insisted on washing the separated white clothing first because there wasn't much. The issue is I have tons of clothes to wash and we don't have that much space around the house for hanging. The weather is not in our favour either. She said, "oh it's okay I'll hang them in the kitchen." I told her the clothes will smell when our dad is cooking and told her to wait for me to get home.
Lo and behold, she ignores me and hung the white clothes taking up the very little hanging space we have. I did not understand why she could just leave the laundry alone? How does she expect me to squeeze my laundry together and have them dry properly in this forsaken rainy weather? I was infuriated that day.
It's all these tiny things that just build up and make me so angry. You can tell when people are trying. These SAME issues come up every few months. Why do I have to understand my sister and the way she does things? Why can't she sometimes listen to me? My mom makes it worse by letting her be like this, doing things for her. Obviously, my sister doesn't even realise what my mom does for her. It is just magically done, gone, clean and prepared for her. I'm so sick of it.

I get calls a lot from people posing as charities using a soundboard. I used to mess with them a lot, until this sub alerted me to the fact that these workers may be hostages or victims of human trafficking.
I started talking to them with the assumption that they are there against their will and I get the feeling like a lot of them are. Their tone changes a lot. They're rarely angry or upset that I'm wasting their time. They listen a lot and often end up apologizing before hanging up (all through a soundboard of course).
I hate how if this is the fact, the best I can give them is a "good luck, life is worth living, this too shall pass." Maybe that is all I can give them, but are there any other resources

I get calls a lot from people posing as charities using a soundboard. I used to mess with them a lot, until this sub alerted me to the fact that these workers may be hostages or victims of human trafficking.
I started talking to them with the assumption that they are there against their will and I get the feeling like a lot of them are. Their tone changes a lot. They're rarely angry or upset that I'm wasting their time. They listen a lot and often end up apologizing before hanging up (all through a soundboard of course).
I hate how if this is the fact, the best I can give them is a "good luck, life is worth living, this too shall pass." Maybe that is all I can give them, but are there any other resources?

Hey guys,
I know you are super angry or tired about the same old question, but:
Do you think we get the soundboards from the missing fall shows? When will it drop?

Oh no, I'm back at it YET AGAIN, with more Class B headcanons, true terror has hit the soundstage!!

• Fukidashi is a walking, talking soundboard, to which he uses his sound effect EXCLUSIVELY to piss off his friends (only Kamakiri, it's literally ONLY Kamakiri he does this to)
  
• Kodai is too much of a shitposter, she's collaborated with Tokage and Fukidashi WAY too often on many practical jokes and memes (she helped Fukidashi make the "only a spoonful" vine a reality)
  
• Tsunotori is the class baby, even though she's the oldest, she is CONSTANTLY being safeguarded by the lecherous members of Class A (specifically Mineta) and Monoma with his incorrect phrases he teaches her (he do a lil trollin')
  
• Bondo is a god at tabletop games, absolutely rolled Kamakiri in chess one time, who was thought to be the chess GOD
  
• Komori is only comfortable being herself around her classmates and some of Class A, people like Bakugou make her lock up in fear
  
• Tsuburaba is low-key a perv, but in the Kaminari way where he just strikes out a bunch like a dumbfuck, he has struck out with Tokage SO many times it's not even funny
  
• Monoma gets SO mad when he hears there are SEVERAL cross class couples, like he actually blows a fuse because "YOU'RE FORNICATING WITH THE ENEMY!!" (said couples are Izusetsu, Todoyui, Tokoreiko, and Awamomo)
  
• Tokage loves playing practical jokes on Kendo specifically, she'll leave her head in cabinets just to piss her off, if Kendo sees her headless body anywhere in the common room, she just walks away
  
• Tetsutetsu is the class dad, while Kendo is the class mom. One time, Tetsutetsu said "it's alright champ" to Bondo while he was sad, and he has still, to this day, even well into his hero career, NEVER lived it down. Kendo is like the strict mom where everyone has a curfew, Tokage fucks with her continuously
  
• Tokage, as a prank, will often MOAN obnoxiously loud to piss Kendo off. Unfortunately, this backfired when her and Midoriya started going out, and were trying to keep it a secret, and Kendo burst in while they were... yeah... Tokage NEVER moaned to fuck with Kendo after that
  
• Shishida is the designated cuddle buddy, when someone has a bad day, Shishida is who they go to for a hug and a good cry
  
• Kendo is only strict because her classmates are absolute morons, Kodai is her best friend exclusively because she isn't contributing to her greys
  
• Kuroiro is silly and goofy, the guy is CONSTANTLY jumping between people's shadows
  
• Shoda is super respectful and kind unless you meet him in the ring, which in that case, you've chosen death
  
• Honenuki is the based god in Class B, EVERYONE loves him, he's a total bro
  
• Tetsutetsu regularly shoves himself in an oven for the purposes of him and Kamakiri sparing to see how good his blades are against extreme temperatures
  
• The common sense kings only include Tsuburaba because he has good grades, he's a total fucking airhead (no pun intended) otherwise, he's the group's dumb one (but they love him anyway)
  
• Kuroiro isn't dumb, but he does have learning disabilities like dyslexia and dyscalcula, he gets accomodations on tests for this, and Kamakiri often helps him study
  
• Kamakiri collects taxidermied bugs, something Tokage absolutely teases him to hell and back about, thinking it's hilarious that he collects "corpses of his family", Kamakiri doesn't see the humor at all
  
• Shiozaki often brings Shishida along for prayer, he doesn't quite get it, but they're dating so he doesn't mind (also addendum to Shiozaki being a lesbian, which is something I said previously, that's been retconned)
  
• Yanagi started dating Tokoyami only because Tokage practically FORCED her to ask him out, Midoriya was an awesome wingman too, helping Tokoyami in the right direction
  
• Shoda and Iida are close, and they often keep the class rep meetings on track, as it turns into a dick-measuring contest for Kendo and Yaoyorozu on their respective accolades (yeah I stole this from Torchbearer I don't care that fanfic is too good go read it)
  
• Class B HATE Bakugou as a collective, they ALL found out what he did to Midoriya for years, it took the entire class to hold back a unstoppably irate Tokage and angry Kamakiri, they even offered to take Midoriya in following the revelation, something that Midoriya considered for a time, it's actually the catalyst that lead to him and Tokage dating instead of beating around the bush like two dumbasses
  
• Monoma is besties with Midoriya, he loves him so much, Honenuki is also bros with Iida and Todoroki, those 5, Tokage, Yanagi, and Tokoyami sit together at lunch from their second year onward, and are like their own little friend group
  

# Today In Phishstory - November 11th Brought to you by tiph-bot. Beep.
All data extracted via The Phishnet API.

Phish

Phish, Wednesday 11/11/1998 (25 years ago) Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Gap Chart, Tour: 1998 Fall Tour
Set 1 : Punch You in the Eye , Gumbo , If You Need a Fool , Sleep , Tela , Birds of a Feather , Theme From the Bottom , Julius
Set 2 : Halley's Comet > Simple > Walk Away > Limb By Limb , When the Circus Comes , Ghost
Encore : Contact > Rocky Top > Funky Bitch
Jamchart Notes:
Gumbo - Jam starts off with some funky Clavinet work by Page before Trey sends the jam into an ambient soundscape with a loop. Slight build up at the end of the jam but doesn't get very far.
Birds of a Feather - Machine Gun Trey is back at it in this powerhouse, albeit "Type I" version.
Theme From the Bottom - The sentiment shifts from blissful elation to hard edged rocker in this strong, well played "Type I" version.
Halley's Comet - Pretty high octane jam at first. Around 11:00, morphs into a snappy, funky phase. The energy builds as the jam regains momentum and space rage ensues. Jam abruptly segues to "Simple."
Limb By Limb - Page solos in the middle of the jam, and then the others gradually join back in to build to a high peak.
Ghost - You enjoy my Ghost while I set fire to this transformer substation leaving behind a smoldering pile of carboniferous goo. [Great groove with awesome funky Page playing with all his toys, then Trey takes the con and leads the jam to an incendiary, multi-summit peak.]
Show Notes:
This show is available as an archival release on LivePhish.com.
Listen now at Phish.in!
Phish, Monday 11/11/1996 (27 years ago) Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Gap Chart, Tour: 1996 Fall Tour
Set 1 : Chalk Dust Torture , Guelah Papyrus , Cars Trucks Buses , AC/DC Bag , Sparkle > Brother , Theme From the Bottom , Axilla ¹ > Runaway Jim
Set 2 : Timber (Jerry the Mule) > Divided Sky ² , Gumbo , The Curtain > Sample in a Jar > Tweezer , Swept Away > Steep > Maze , Contact > Slave to the Traffic Light
Encore : Waste , Cavern
1 Contained Axilla II ending. 2 All Fall Down signal.
Jamchart Notes:
Tweezer - Mike really shines in this great version.
Show Notes:
Divided Sky included an All Fall Down signal. Page teased Maple Leaf Rag at the end of Gumbo.
Listen now at Phish.in!
Phish, Saturday 11/11/1995 (28 years ago) The Fox Theatre, Atlanta, GA, USA
Gap Chart, Tour: 1995 Fall Tour
Set 1 : Cars Trucks Buses > Mike's Song > A Day in the Life > Poor Heart > Weekapaug Groove , The Horse > Silent in the Morning , Ya Mar , Stash , Amazing Grace ¹ , Fee ² > Chalk Dust Torture
Set 2 : Also Sprach Zarathustra > David Bowie , Suzy Greenberg > Uncle Pen , Fluffhead , Sleeping Monkey > Frankenstein -> Suspicious Minds > Hold Your Head Up , Run Like an Antelope
Encore : Acoustic Army , Good Times Bad Times
1 Without microphones. 2 Trey sang verses through megaphone.
Jamchart Notes:
Mike's Song - Solid 1st jam with good variation. The 2nd jam is relatively short by '95 standards, but includes another good Mike and Page showcase while Trey uses the guitar to create a soundscape background before hopping to the mini kit briefly.
Weekapaug Groove - A vigorously played version that packs a lot of punch. Strong funky elements enhance the excellent typical fare.
Ya Mar - "Lizards" teases. Cool drum solo.
Fluffhead - Minor early issues aside, the playing in Who Do? We Do! is very sharp and powerful. In Clod, Trey seems to use a reverb-like effect, which pairs well with Page's soloing - a soundboard would be a huge plus. A full-throttle, slightly extended Arrival includes some sweet, Leslie-infused trilling by Trey near the conclusion. This is classic 1995 Phish.
Run Like an Antelope - Jam starts off largely straightforward but gets more out there as it progresses with key changes and rhythmic bending.
Show Notes:
Trey teased Nellie Kane in Weekapaug. Ya Mar contained Lizards teases from Trey. Amazing Grace was performed without microphones. Trey sang the verses of Fee through a megaphone. GTBT was preceded by a Black or White tease from Trey and subsequently included Heartbreaker teases.
Listen now at Phish.in!
Phish, Saturday 11/11/1989 (34 years ago) Patrick Gymnasium, University of Vermont, Burlington, VT, USA
Gap Chart, Tour: 1989 Tour
Set 1 : The Oh Kee Pa Ceremony > Golgi Apparatus , Bathtub Gin , AC/DC Bag > My Sweet One , You Enjoy Myself , If I Only Had a Brain , Frankenstein ¹
1 First known Phish performance; unidentified horn players.
Show Notes:
This was an opening set for Max Creek and Third World. The first known Phish performance of Frankenstein featured a guest appearance by unidentified horn players.
Listen now at Phish.in!
Phish, Friday 11/11/1988 (35 years ago) Old Stone Church, Newmarket, NH, USA
Gap Chart, Tour: 1988 Tour
Set 1 : I Didn't Know , Good Times Bad Times , You Enjoy Myself , Possum , Fluffhead , Take the 'A' Train , David Bowie
Set 2 : Golgi Apparatus , Colonel Forbin's Ascent > Fly Famous Mockingbird , Mike's Song > I Am Hydrogen > Weekapaug Groove
Set 3 : Mr. P.C. ¹ , Fee , Bold As Love , The Lizards , Whipping Post
1 Carl Gerhard on trumpet.
Jamchart Notes:
David Bowie - Similar to 11/5/88 with excellent and angry tension building. Good dissonance in the trill as well.
Whipping Post - The second jam includes some really cool spacey effects from Page and Trey, almost more Floyd than ABB-like, followed by a brief, intense return to "Whipping Post." This space jam is way, way out there for '88 Phish.
Show Notes:
Mr. P.C. featured Carl Gerhard on flugelhorn; this was his first known appearance with Phish. Mr. P.C. included a Spider-Man theme tease. Some recordings circulate with Timber in the second set and an encore including Peaches, Funky Bitch, and Donna Lee; this is actually filler from the October 29, 1988 show.
Listen now at Phish.in!

Trey Anastasio

Trey Anastasio Band, 2022-11-11 Tsongas Arena, Lowell, MA, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/trey-anastasio-band-november-11-2022-tsongas-arena-lowell-ma-usa.html
Tour: Not Part of a Tour
Show Notes: Goose opened for TAB at this co-bill show. Back on the Train and Steam featured Rick Mitarotonda on guitar and Peter Anspach on keys with Rick and Peter adding vocals to Back on the Train. Theme From the Bottom was performed by Trey solo acoustic. Rick joined Trey on acoustic guitar for Strange Design and also sang vocals. Blaze On featured Rick on guitar, Peter on keys, and Jeff Arevalo, Ben Atkind, and Trevor Weekz on percussion.
Trey Anastasio Band, 2011-11-11 The Tabernacle, Atlanta, GA, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/trey-anastasio-november-11-2011-the-tabernacle-atlanta-ga-usa.html
Tour: TAB - Fall 2011 Tour
Show Notes:
Trey Anastasio Band, 2005-11-11 Utica Memorial Auditorium, Utica, NY, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/trey-anastasio-november-11-2005-utica-memorial-auditorium-utica-ny-usa.html
Tour: TAB - 70 Volt Parade Fall 2005 Tour
Show Notes: Tea Leaf Green opened. In the days leading up to this show it was promoted as the "Countdown to Utica." As the band took the stage "The Final Countdown" by Europe was played over the P.A. "Access Me" and "Ghost" were Trey Anastasio debuts. "Access Me" through "Ghost" were all duets with Trey on acoustic guitar and Mike on bass. "Divided Sky" also featured Fishman playing the two cymbal beats after the pause. The end of "Divided Sky" featured a "Lawn Boy" tease. "Boogie On" featured the entire band plus Fishman on drums and Mike on bass.
Oysterhead, 2001-11-11 Tweeter Center at the Waterfront, Camden, NJ, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/trey-anastasio-november-11-2001-tweeter-center-at-the-waterfront-camden-nj-usa.html
Tour: Oysterhead - The Grand Pecking Order
Show Notes: Lake Trout opened. "Shadow of a Man" contained an extended jam at the end featuring Trey on the Matterhorn and Les on the Whamola; Trey continued to play the Matterhorn on "The Grand Pecking Order."

Mike Gordon

Mike Gordon, 2010-11-11 Wilma Theatre, Missoula, MT, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/mike-gordon-november-11-2010-wilma-theatre-missoula-mt-usa.html
Tour: Mike Gordon - Fall 2010 Tour
Show Notes:

Other

Goose, 2022-11-11 Tsongas Arena, Lowell, MA, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/goose-november-11-2022-tsongas-arena-lowell-ma-usa.html
Tour: Not Part of a Tour
Show Notes: Goose opened for TAB at this co-bill show. Trey sat in on guitar for Wysteria Lane and Arcadia and added vocals on Arcadia.
Toubab Krewe, 2006-11-11 Nectar's, Burlington, VT, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/guest-appearance-november-11-2006-nectars-burlington-vt-usa.html
Tour: Not Part of a Tour
Show Notes: Mike joined Toubab Krewe on bass along with Lamine Soumano on guitar for the Soumano original "Maliba" and the traditional "Bamana Niya."
Papa Grows Funk, 2002-11-11 Club Metronome, Burlington, VT, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/guest-appearance-november-11-2002-club-metronome-burlington-vt-usa.html
Tour: Not Part of a Tour
Show Notes: Page sat in with Papa Grows Funk on keyboards for several songs including Professor Longhair's "Go the the Mardi Gras."
Widespread Panic, 1993-11-11 The Roxy Theatre, Los Angeles, CA, USA
Setlist: https://phish.net/setlists/guest-appearance-november-11-1993-the-roxy-theatre-los-angeles-ca-usa.html
Tour: Not Part of a Tour
Show Notes: Trey sat in on guitar for the entire encore. Get Up Early In The Morning featured T. Lavitz on piano; the remainder of the encore featured Page on piano. Get Up Early in the Morning contained Tipitina quotes.

Who tf are you? Why are you now posting now out of the blue?
-I am THE Schizo emailer. Lore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiv146H9Jnw&ab_channel=Destiny
-Proof I am the Schizo emailer (backstab email): https://imgur.com/a/g9XsZby
-I saw this thread today: https://www.reddit.com/Destiny/comments/17dwqoi/the_schizo_emailer_keeps_on_being_proven_right/k613q6u/?context=3
-I knew I gained many fans over the year 2022, but man I had no idea so many people followed my work so closely that they actually managed to remember that I called out Chaeiry a long time ago. I was moved by this, I now love all of my deranged fans. I EVEN FORGOT that I wrote that shit about Chaeiry. So I figured well, if there's this much of a cultish obsession, I may as well do an AMA and F.A.Q.
-I go by many names but largely I am known as a deranged parasocial schizo stalker emailer who has been sending Steven unhinged shit since 2016. But end up (by luck?) being right about many things. Mostly known for sending the "White Women email" and "Backstabber" email.
-In 2017, I sent him an email telling him to stop associating with Hasan, he replied with some meme picture captioned "u mad" or something. Little did he know, I was mad. So I sent another email from a different address posing as someone who was "radicalized into becoming a Hasan fan" and it made him angry enough that he read it on stream and it was the funniest shit, everyone was spamming OMEGALUL in chat. That moment was when I knew it was my fate to send unhinged shit through email.
-Later I would go onto send many many unhinged emails including but not limited to: The white women email, the Lumi Rue email (non binary people email), the EQ email (engineer question @ software engineers), streamer question email, the backstabber email, "20 steps on how to make Vaush mad as fuck" email, and many many others. I have an extremely high rate of my emails being read on stream, I sent him some unhinged email about like corvettes and crashing my car on some curb or something and he read that shit on stream too LOL. Anyone remember that?
-ALSO: I was the "Vaush hater-dono guy". For OG Destiny watchers, in 2020, maybe you guys remember the "Vaush hater-dono guy". Once upon a time, Destiny and DGG were huge fans of Vaush and at the time, you guys thought Vaush "was one of the good faith lefties". I would send donos, basically everyday, and ALL OF DGG hated me for it, they called me "conservative" but I was never a cuckservative; you see, I had simply made it my MISSION to expose Vaush's missing chromosome. I wanted to send out search parties for Vaush's missing spine, because the way he engaged with the politics community led me to believe he didnt have one. I viewed Vaush as a thanos level villain. At the time, I hated Vaush so much, I thought if Vaush got hit by a car, I would think "what did the car do wrong to deserve that?". I guess now after like 3 years, I can finally say....I told you guys... I have the receipts too, I can dig up emails from like 2019 calling out Vaush.
-Despite going through a phase of really hating Vaush, I did chill out a bit, I was also one of the very first people (maybe even THE first person) to join up with u/DestinyVaush_4ever and I created many of the very first posts on his subreddit. I never told him I was the schizo emailer but I guess he will know now. u/DestinyVaush_4ever if you are reading, I was the one who you declared as the "CEO of grass circumvention" and your "strongest soldier". Sorry I abandoned you and ghosted the movement but I had stuff to do IRL. You guys can go to his subreddit scroll hard and read some of the oldest posts on there, those are schizo posts by me.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Do you actually hate white women?
-No absolutely not. I send Steven absolutely deranged, parasocial, schizophrenic, and unhinged emails on a wide range of different topics. Then out of the blue, he decides to go on stream the next day and read the entire white women email on stream and start firing off tweets about it too. Then the house insulation-eating rats known as the DGG community, decided to sling shot too far off into a full on misogyny arc. So to any white women who may be reading this, I am sorry. It was not my intention. You may hate me, but I do not hate you. Blame Steven (its what everyone does these days anyway). White women are based and empathetic, left-leaning, and open minded and cool people and... actually never mind I was gonna type something I shouldnt LOL. I would like to be known as the person who hates streamers and software engineers, not white women.
Do you actually hate non-binary people?
-So I was the one who started the anti non-binary arc as well when I sent Destiny the Lumi Rue email about the historical justification for the existence of MtF and FtM trans people but just complete lack of research or history surrounding non-binary "they/them" people (and no some random tribe with a 3rd gender does not count). But to answer the question, No, I do not hate non-binary people. I am a little skeptical, but I have never disrespected them (dont read the Lumi rue email xd) like JBP does, and never misgendered them IRL, and never will. You could say, I just dont fully understand them.
Do you actually hate Streamers?
-YES! I started the anti-streamer arc back in 2021 when I sent Steven a schizo email about QTcinderella, KaceyTron, Ludwig, Hasan, and Vaush, and many others. When QT and Ludwig actually backstabbed Destiny in 2021? he went on stream and said "I think the schizo guy was actually right, streamers dont deserve the money they make". Based and true Steven.
-Hamas Piker makes over 15 million a year as a professional terrorism apologist. Ian "Vaush" Kochinski makes over 500k a year. Probably more now. He makes more than me and my dad combined, he makes more than my uncle whos a cardiologist that liquidated his assets and then straight up bought a clinic. He literally goes on stream, plays dogshit indie games with 0 consistent schedule AND sucks at all games he plays, gives the most laughably incorrect breaking news takes on probably every major world event, he wouldnt last 2 seconds in an actual new media position where he's receiving hard pushback, he isolates himself in the "fortress", so he's not even good at his politics job. Vaush is so retarded, that this inbred probably accidentally rapes himself when he jerks off to baby Horse pornography and then the next day will turn on stream and metoo accuse Destiny of sexual misconduct against him (?????). He makes more than my university professor who worked in actual rocket science aeropsace for NASA and gets called up by foreign country governments to assist in their moon programs.
-This is what streamers are. If you ever wanted proof that the meritocracy isn't an all encompassing rule, look no further than streamers. Their profession incentivizes psychopathy, connections, looks (Hamas Piker), or luck over hard work or intelligence. Not all professions are the same.
Do you actually hate Software Engineers?
-YES! Those guys are actual soundboards for retards. They are like Nasus in league of legends but with infinite retard scaling. They are the most virtue signal-y, most delusional, most cringe of the engineer bunch. If I see Kanye West, Nick Fuentes, Elon Musk, or Lex Fridman talk about "engineers" ever again when they are actually just referring to coding a website or Brianna Wu mention for the 99th time "aS aN enGiNeEr", I will actually give Destiny my address so he can come shoot me up with that glock (joke, do not do that Destiny). I will link the EQ (engineer question) email later and you guys can read directly from the primary source material. I mean lets be honest guys, theres a reason why in 2023 every time you hear someone say "I'm an engineer" 95% of the time its a software engineer aka programmer.
Whats your background, what gives you the right to comment on academia, streamers, on Software Engineers, Erudite, on Dr. K, or TheSaintandSinner (the red pill bald black guy who didnt know what NFTs were and constantly brags about his shitty poli sci masters degree), Demon Mama's "make insulin in my backyard with a chemistry textbook", or others?
-I have a long history in ACTUAL engineering. My father has a PHD in electrical engineering and from a young age he wanted me to be an electrical engineer and tried to train me. I gave him the middle finger and got a bachelors in Chemical Engineering instead and got hired into an advanced development engineer-in-training program with (I wont say which company but it was one of the defense contractors that lefties and MAGA hate), then I went back to school for Electrical Engineering (process controls focus), went back to school again to get a masters in Chemical Engineering, and looking to start an MBA next fall because apparently engineers make use of that shit these days. So when someone like Demon Mama says "open a chemistry textbook and just engineer raw insulin in your backyard" or when Erudite tries to pull some "I'm qualified for X job because I looked at the LinkedIn posting description" (hey news flash, you are qualified for a job if and only if you have the offer letter in your email-NO EXCEPTIONS), I dO rEseArCh" bullshit or when that clown boi SaintandSinner is shitting on state schools and asking people for advanced degrees, but his own background is a masters in teaching poli sci and I can think of atleast 10 state schools that would obliterate many private schools in department ranking. I get a little salty.
-Heres another bit of salt, to all non-streamers (viewers) including me reading this post: Streamers think of us as lesser beings. This is just a fact, whether they are open about it or not. Whether its people like ChudLogic who are basically just saying the quiet part out loud (I'm referencing the viral clip of him doing some cringe roast of some viewer as being a "nobody", common insult streamers use) or whether its people like Vaush who are more covert about their superiority complex. Streamers think they are superior or more intelligent than their non-streamer viewers, deep down thats what they believe, deep down streamers are REALLY REALLY proud of themselves. Aka they think of us as animals basically, some streamers wouldnt even consider dating non-streamers. So I am issuing an open challenge: to any politics streamer Vaush Xanderhal Demon Mama or million others who thinks they are superior to non-streamers, I am down to do a 1vs1 debate on any topic to test verbal IQ or any timed mental math/computational challenge to test spatial IQ vs streamers. Preferably Vaush.
Why havent you sent any Schizo emails recently?
-Just been busy with IRL stuff, touching grass (sorry u/DestinyVaush_4ever), working on career related stuff. But man if you guys are actually this obsessed with my unhinged scriptures.... sure I can start sending Steven deranged shit again on my schizo email address (sorry Destiny, you're in for it now). Its always funny on my end because I know he reads it all. I can also start leaking some of my other emails if you guys want. If I see there is enough demand for it.
How old are you?
-30
Why do you hate ChudLogic?
-I sent a longer email on him but, ChudLogic is the definition of a loser. For anyone who has been around as a Destiny fan since 2016, and for anyone who has closely followed leftist twitch politics for YEARS; YOU WOULD KNOW, ChudLogic was one of the most FAR LEFT political hacks in the twitch politics space. He would constantly take jabs are Destiny or liberals, then one day, hes on a politics panel with Destiny, he cucks out and agrees with Destiny on a point or two (many lefties do this when actually in a call with Destiny). Gets MASSIVE positive attention from DGG and Destiny FOR SOME REASON??? (despite many not knowing what his actual history was). Then almost overnight, this guy 180's all of his far left commie takes and turns into one of the EDGIEST, CRINGIEST, unhinged lunatics I have ever seen. Any 180s that fast are a HUGE red flag to me. This is ChudLogic's entire philosophy: "OH IM RUNNING OUT OF CONTENT? ILL JUST BE EVEN MORE EDGY LUL" "OH IM RUNNING OUT OF CONTENT? ILL JUST BE EVEN MORE EDGY LUL""OH IM RUNNING OUT OF CONTENT? ILL JUST BE EVEN MORE EDGY LUL"
You guys want the real anti-misogyny arc? Meet ChudLogic, if any white women behaved like he did, they would be crucified. Between the weird cringey asian-accents, the weird spreading of the Lauren Southern-Destiny affair conspiracy, and his deranged moderator DK who will never amount to anything in life. How does he get away with some of this shit? ChudLogic's only talent will forever be a LOUD, BRITISH-ACCENT, Male-Ulter (If female ulting is when they start crying, male-ulting is when you scream loud as fuck into the mic with a funny accent or mic gain (like ChudLogic or Qorantos) and everybody types OMEGALUL in chat cause they think you are funny). ChudLogic in my book, will forever have no actual principles, no actual beliefs, beyond fake, this guy is the true definition of a clout-demon, he can self-meme about it all he wants, doesnt make it any less true. ChudLogic if you are reading this, I hope you get shot in the head, by Jhin in the next league of legends game you play. Keep bragging about your viewer count to smaller streamers, you arent special you are just another loser STREAMER that leeched off of Destiny to jumpstart a streaming career, you werent the first and you wont be the last, and you wont have a career in 5-10 years when nobody gives a fuck about this twitch paradigm cringe shit anymore, GL working 9-5 as a walmart manager.
Who are the most BASED orbiters?
-For male orbiters: Lycan. If you are looking for someone who is truly NORMAL, MATURE, WELL-ADJUSTED, LOYAL, has a 10+ year history of never being involved in ANY drama. Meet LycanGTV. Decent thought process as well, appreciated him getting de-radicalized from the right wing Trump shit in 2017. Sadly, to be a popular orbiter these days, you need to suffer 4-5 strokes and your entire schtick basically has to be being as stupid as humanely possible. And ofc cold as ice takes: Aba and Dan are high tier orbiters. Note: all 3 of the above are not streamers. I also really like Pisco, he provides good content, has the balls to fight with Destiny on stuff without either falling flat or turning into a backstabber the next day. Vegan gains rockin that schizo rizz, lowkey appreciate it as a fellow schizo.
-For female orbiters: *INCOMING HOT TAKES*, in my opinion, actually its Pxie and KellyJean. You guys can shit on me all you want, Ive been correct about like every single other orbiter and I'll probably be correct here too. Pxie and KellyJean will never backstab, never cause any unhinged immature drama. KellyJean (atleast current day KellyJean) is actually funny as fuck, self-aware, down-to-earth, and she knows what shes doing and its FUNNY AS FUCK. She will pop into discord at the BEST TIMES to make chat THE MADEST possible and I laugh out loud everytime. She actually reminds me of myself when I would send unhinged donos at the best possible times just to make everyone mad. Pxie for the last 7-8 years has never been involved in any major drama, usually has ok conversations with people on politics, idk why people hate her tbh, maybe unironically the misogyny arc (Sorry).
What do you think about Qorantos?
-I have a bit of a nuanced take on the terrorist pirate. When he first entered this community, and for about the first 2 weeks of him being in this community, he was actually FUNNNNNNY AS FUUUUUUCK. Its usually pretty hard to amuse Destiny or make him laugh, but Qorantos made even Destiny crack up every 10 seconds, I know I was laughing.
-But man..... What happened? First, Qorantos starts overusing and repeating the same like 5-6 jokes, transformers, gay jokes etc. Then after he gets hired into the weekly Kick or Keep show, he just completely dropped his comedy career altogether. Now every time he shows up on stream, its like he guzzles the entire bottle of brain cancer juice to give a political take. And I've seen him invoke the minority card a bunch of times too, listen Qorantos, when it comes to minorities...the only minority with you is the minority of functioning cells left in your fucking brain.
-My advice to Qorantos would be, go back to your roots, do the comedy shit again. Stop giving political takes at age 23 (or w/e he is). I still believe he has the potential to be a high tier orbiter.
Are you a Destiny Anti-fan?
-Eh, not really. I shit on him a bunch in private emails but its different because I have never made a public reddit post attacking him, never made a tweet attacking him, never done anything public on any social media (I actually dont even use social media LOL) attacking him. And even when people ask me IRL about Destiny, ill usually just say "yea hes got some good takes, check it out see if you vibe with him".
Do you have a DGG account?
-No, I was IP banned from DGG in like 2015 or 2016, not by Destiny but some jannie got me. I CBA'd to beg for an appeal. Later I moved across various states in the US and I would occasionally make new DGG accounts and get them banned again (worth, 0 regrets) and overtime just lost interest. Sometimes I'd chat in twitch chat or youtube chat, more so Kick chat but I dont really like chatting because I feel my messages get sent into the void so I usually just lurk. I send schizo emails instead because I know Destiny reads them all.
Conclusion
Honestly I dont even know if anyone is gonna read this shit or cares, but IF there is actually a high demand for it and if a bunch of people come here and comment and upvote and all that. Then maybe I will leak some unhinged emails I've sent the ol gnomey.
EDIT:
Do you have any takes on Israel-Palestine?
Yes actually, I solved that shit a long time ago. There can be no peace nor a two state solution as long as Hamas exists as a perpetual national security threat for the Israelis. However, if Israel invades or bombs Gaza, we cant know for sure if they have the best interests at heart or if they are on some revenge collective punishment shit. So I propose what I call the schizo-state solution, its a win-win for both the Palestinians and Israelis. Basically, Israel pulls the IDF and settlers all back to Israel, and then THE MUTHERFCKIN USA INVADES THAT ENTIRE REGION AND WIPES OUT HAMAS FROM GAZA, CLEARS UP SETTLEMENTS FROM THE WEST BANK (and wipes out any traces of Hamas that might be lurking in the West Bank) and then THE US OF A just stations like 20 billion soldiers to occupy that entire region to make sure no sussy shit goes on. Like seriously, we are gonna invade Iraq because of Saddam Hussein, we are gonna invade Libya for I dont even know why, but we arent gonna invade Hamas? What better way to assure the safety of both Palestinians and Israelis than to have a 3rd party superpower like the US just have full control of the area. I think the Palestinians would much rather have a Biden administration directed US military in Gaza/West Bank over the fucking IDF. And I think Israelis would much rather live without the constant threat of terrorism, which wouldnt happen if US soldiers were guarding the whole place (the festival massacre happened because Israel literally ran low on troops right?). So its literally a win-win for everyone, the ONLY people that lose from this, are Hamas and the ultra far-right Israelis that want to expand settlements or level Gaza or people who literally just dont want a solution/just want to wipe out the otherside, those are the only losers from this plan. Everyone else wins.
​
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EDIT#2:
WAIT GUYS SHOULD I SEND THE ANTI-UNION SCHIZO EMAIL ABOUT HOW I FANTASIZE ABOUT PERSONALLY BUSTING UNIONS BECAUSE ALL THE UNION WORKERS BEHAVE LIKE ACTUAL CHILDISH SCUM ON THE PLANT FLOOR? I wrote like 50% of it over time but never ended up finishing it or sending it to Destiny. Can I get some yays or nays on that shit? Destiny probably already is anti-union he just doesnt know it yet.
​
EDIT#3: Should I post the orbiter tier list? (with detailed explanations). IF someone DM's me one of those tier-list makers with all the DGG orbiters icons already in there, I'll make it tomorrow.

First / Prev / Part 2
Now with a story cover!
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Memory transcription subject: Aebl, Keeper of the Keys
Date [standardized human time]: September 18, 2136
Immediately after removing some of the texts from the hidden room below, I realized that doing so was a stupid idea. The passage had been painstakingly hidden for generations and bringing everything topside compromised that security.
Although I didn't like the idea of putting everything back where I knew evenhoppers still resided, I decided that risking the books being seen by the public was effectively worse than the slow grazing of a small population of insects. I’d also placed a stack of paper in the middle of the vault to try and entice the bugs to eat something other than the priceless ancient texts. Though, I wasn’t sure how much good it would do.
I'd worked tirelessly since opening the ancient vault, pushing through multiple rest claws in my endeavors. I hadn't done anything so bold since the times of my youth. Even when I'd been searching for the keys, I'd taken my time and gotten plenty of rest. Now that the door had been opened, however, I couldn't contain my hunger for knowledge.
Although, that knowledge was proving to be spotty at best. Like Zem’s journal, just about every work from down below was eaten into and weathered away. I hand-wrote notes on what I could still make out, afraid of taking pictures lest someone might see. At least if the notes came under questioning, I could say that it was some work of fiction that I was writing in my spare time. As a librarian, it might be believable.
Despite the wear and tear, there were still some very juicy works that remained intact. Some ancient paintings and sculptures had been stacked loosely in the corners, depicting things and environments I did not recognize. I figured that the components of the paint were discouraging the evenhoppers from partaking.
There were a few more mentions of the word ‘Skalga’ though I could not fully discern what it referred to. Venlil Prime was, in significant part, a naturally hostile environment. The burning day side and frozen night side meant that our space for habitation was limited. But, the moniker of ‘world of death’ seemed like a bit of a stretch. Perhaps I was misunderstanding the word? It wasn’t a common term by any means. Maybe the meaning wasn't what I thought it was or had shifted over time.
Another thing also caught my eye. A pawful of early medical texts were present. I found myself having a similar reaction to the Venlil depiction on the key and the library floor. Perhaps it was the damage from the evenhoppers but something seemed decidedly off about the degraded diagrams. Then again, they were not easy to read since they were full of holes.
The engineering books were quite intriguing as well. I hadn't any clue what to make of the measurements and drawings, but it was clear that early Venlil had bolstered some rather impressive mechanical drafts.
One thing that I noticed was decidedly absent was any mention of the inherent dangers of predators. Texts that referred to any of Venlil Prime’s wildlife had been mostly neutral in their depictions. The atticslinkers that sulked within the shelves were, surprisingly, only ever described positively.
Speaking of the carnivorous creatures, I'd taken note of their apparent skittishness. Unlike my first encounter with the adult protecting its young, these atticslinkers seemed determined to stay away from me. Despite their superior numbers, they seemed unwilling to engage in confrontation. Each time that I cautiously shuffled towards one of their shelves, they'd immediately abandon the thing and bolt for another spot. The explosiveness of their movement startled me the first few times, but after a while I began to relax around the small predators.
Though, occasionally they would bite into an evenhopper, giving off a dastardly sound. That made me a little queasy, but I wasn't going to let it hinder my progress.
I don't know a thing about Zem, really. But, I know that he'd call me a coward for shrinking from these little things.
I wish I knew more about the ancient librarian. The few legible things left in his journal seemed so incredibly foreign. Knowing that the Federation had made an effort to censor us, I had to wonder what life was like before first contact.
Curse those worthless evenhoppers! I hope the atticslinkers kill you all to the last!
It was a pretty morbid thought to wish for predation on plant-eating prey. But, I certainly valued our people’s history over the lives of some measly, meddling, insects! Few things got me worked up more than the destruction of literature!
To that degree, maybe I wished that the atticslinkers would sink their teeth into a few Federation big wigs. That was a desire that would land me in a predator disease facility for sure.
After burying myself among the ancient texts for a while, I discovered the first thing I was willing to bring beyond the scope of the room. Among the rickety old shelves, a few old song books were stacked in a row. As with everything else, the evenhoppers had done a number on them. But, one composition was completely and utterly pristine.
While the cautious part of me screamed that it was too risky to let knowledge escape the ancient stash, I felt that I owed a debt to young Mezil. If not for his original observation, I would not have begun my library documentation process. And, I likely never would have stumbled on that first key.
I carefully transcribed the notation into my journal, making sure not to leave one tone out of place. This music, at the very least, carried no suspicious elements that I could discern. It was purely instrumental, so nothing stuck out as being censor-worthy.
In fact, there was a chance that it was already a known piece of music and that my transcription was a waste of time. Still, I felt it was necessary to check with someone that knew better than I.
Once I finished jotting the thing down, I walked back to the ladder and checked my pad. I'd installed a wide-view camera near the entrance of the old vault for checking the surroundings before making my exit. Seeing that it was all clear, I climbed up and out into the light. I ignored the pain in my joints. It was irrelevant when juxtaposed with the rediscovery of ancient knowledge.
Eventually, I arrived in my office, making sure to isolate myself from any prying ears.
As a librarian, I had access to the student contact directory. After all, how else was I to scold students for their overdo books? Sifting through the list, I eventually found young Mezil’s information and attempted to video call him. After a few rings, the call was answered and his face appeared on my pad.
“Miss Aebl?” he groggily muttered.
Ah, I worked through a rest claw didn't I? He's probably just woken up. I hope it wasn't because of me.
“Apologies for the sudden contact, young Mezil, but I found something that I thought may interest you,” I chirped. “That is, if you're intrigued by some older tunes.”
His ears perked up along with his demeanor.
“In the library? Was it built into a part of the building?”
“Not exactly,” I replied. “I'd rather keep the exact circumstances of its discovery a secret if it's all the same to you. I hope you've kept the knowledge of the song in the ceiling at least somewhat to yourself.”
“R-right. Well-”
“You didn't keep the secret that well if I already know about it,” another voice cut in from the background. “As for me, I'm still keeping my library-related secret from you!”
“Wait…what secret are you keeping?!”
“Um,” I interjected. “I'm sorry, are you not alone? Perhaps this was a bad time…”
“Oh, don't worry. It’s just my girlfriend, Kila.”
“Ah, yes, I believe we've met.”
“You have?”
“Hello, Miss Aebl!” Kila moved into the frame, looking a little more bubbly than when I'd seen her in the engineering wing before.
This is the end of a rest paw. It seems like they just woke up. Were they…
Oh…
“Why, I knew you two were a couple, but I didn't know you were that close,” I chuckled.
The pair stiffened and turned a collective bright orange, earning a more hearty laugh from me. Oh, to be young.
A wave of my paw dispelled the tension.
“First of all,” I continued. “Kila, you may tell Mezil about our own findings within the engineering wing. I have no objections to that. But, I'd suggest you keep anything else staunchly between only the two of you. Is that clear?”
They both flicked their ears in acknowledgement several times each. Still, the fact that Mezil had already told Kila about the hidden music in the ceiling made me even more inclined to refrain from telling them about the vault.
The music that I found, however…
“So, what was it you wanted to show me, Miss Aebl?” Mezil asked just as I was about to present it.
“I wanted to know if you recognized this piece,” I replied, holding the transcription up to the camera.
“It's kind of difficult to see with the motion of the camera. Could you send some still pictures?”
“Yes, of course.”
I snapped a few pics of the sheet music. It spanned a few pages and had a handful of different parts. I was still in disbelief that the evenhoppers hadn't chewed through any of the original work.
Sending the images to Mezil, he took a moment to review them. His eyes went wide and I saw the end of his tail wag behind him.
“This is nothing I've ever seen before,” he concluded. “Even when I was pouring over the works in the cultural section of the library, nothing looked like this.”
“I know that look,” Kila said in a warning tone. “Don't you dare go changing the set list now.”
“But-”
“Mezil, the concert is, like, so close.”
“Concert?” I asked, turning the pair’s attention to me.
“Have you…not heard?” Mezil asked in response. “Professor Haeli put up posters all over campus…”
It was my turn to turn a little orange. In my efforts to uncover the library's secrets, I'd fallen a tad bit out of the loop in regards to local news.
“I, uh, haven't been out much lately,” I admitted.
“There's a concert coming up!” Kila clarified happily. “Mezil is gonna play music with Humans!”
A concert with Humans? Here? Blyne allowed it?
I knew Mezil had been involved with the predatory primates but I didn't realize just how far things had gone. It was a little off-putting knowing that Humans were coming to White Hill. But, then again, I'd spent the better part of the last paw reading banished books surrounded by atticslinkers. I couldn't exactly justify having an issue with the Humans’ visages now.
“I'll send you the details,” Mezil assured me. “Actually, it's a good thing you called. I was, uh, kinda hoping you'd be there…”
“It would be my pleasure,” I replied. “Just send me the when and where.”
Mezil's face lit up and Kila nuzzled playfully into him. Seeing the two be so joyful warmed my heart.
What a lovely pair.
“Is it…okay if we used this piece in the concert?” Mezil asked, his demeanor turning serious once again.
“I don't see a problem with it,” I answered. “No one needs to know exactly where the piece came from. As long as the details about the library stay a secret, I think it's good if we reclaim some of our heritage. This was from long before our time, but we must owe some of our current culture to it, yes?”
He flicked his ears in agreement.
“I suppose I need to get to transposing it then,” he sighed. “It has to be written in the Humans’ format as well. Stars forbid I just take it easy.”
“I need to go to the concert hall, myself,” Kila added. “Our Human performers might not have arrived yet, but those of us here at White Hill can still have tonight's rehearsal at the actual venue. I need to help Professor Haeli set up.”
“Best of luck to both of you,” I waved my tail in encouragement. “I'm sure you'll both find success.”
“We'll try. Goodbye, Miss Aebl!” Mezil bid farewell.
“Goodbye, young Mezil and Kila. I'll see you at the concert.”
The call ended and I leaned back in my chair.
Humans coming to White Hill…Times must be changing indeed. These ancient records seem so otherworldly, but perhaps the present will draw inspiration from the past soon enough…
-
Memory transcription subject: Mezil, Venlil Music Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 18, 2136
“Are you sure that the rest of the group would be willing to play it? Should you all even try?”
Kila was certainly not wrong to ask those questions. Admittedly, my answers weren't stellar.
“No and no.”
“Yet, you're transcribing it anyway?”
“Yes.”
She gave a sigh but didn't prod me further.
I'd already started distributing the parts, using the reference of Brad’s previous transcriptions to write the Human parts out in a format they could read. I believed that I had a good enough grasp to transpose it over to their notation style. I'd find out for sure once we played it. We could make adjustments then.
By all means, adding another song to the show this late into our preparations was ridiculous. But, then again, everything we were doing was ridiculous. How was I going to pass up the opportunity to at least try and make it happen?
Kila was gathering her things behind me. Aebl's call had snapped us both awake, so we hadn't really talked about the claw before.
“It was nice. With you, I mean,” she spoke over the scribbling of my pen. “Everything you planned, and even what you didn't, it was all amazing.”
“I'll be honest, I didn't expect it to go that well,” I chuckled. “I thought for sure I'd mess something up.”
She ran a claw down my back without warning, causing me to shudder.
“I think you did an excellent job,” she mused. “We’ll have to do that again when everything is less crazy. Well, I'd better go meet with Haeli. I guess I'll tell her you've got another insane idea you're brewing.”
“If she has any sense at all, she'll shoot it down,” I sighed. “But, somehow I can't help but think she'll go along with it. Music is her life. An ancient piece she's probably never seen before? I bet she folds just like me.”
“As long as you guys can actually play it, I say more power to you. But, remember that the Humans’ reputation is on the line here. Don't go too big.”
“This seems pretty playable. We'll be fine.”
“If you say so. I'll see you at the rehearsal.”
She gave a brief lick on my cheek before heading out the door. I savored the feeling for a moment and, once I was sure that she was down the hall and out of earshot, I jumped up from my desk and gave a whooping holler.
I should have joined the exchange program sooner if I knew that it would lead to this! Holy fucking STARS, she's incredible!
Frankly, until our date, our relationship had felt almost make-believe. We were both so inexperienced in romance, neither of us really knew what we were doing. But, during our outing, I'd really opened up to her and Stars was it worth it. Everything just clicked. I could relive that paw over and over until the end of time!
I sat down and tried to pull myself back together.
Focus. There's work to do. Once this concert is done, we can do whatever we fancy. For now, this music needs to be transposed.
I put my pen back to the page and continued to write.
-
Memory transcription subject: Kila, Venlil Engineering Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 18, 2136
If Mezil thought I couldn't hear his cheer from my place in the hallway, he was mistaken. I was pretty sure the whole damn floor heard it.
I wagged my tail in smug satisfaction. Though, for all my cool posturing, I felt about the same way.
What a paw that was.
Still, I couldn't let it distract me. Unlike the last rehearsal, this one could actually be held in the concert venue. At least, those of us at White Hill could be there. The Humans, due to travel constraints, would have to manage things on the fly once the concert rolled around. Having heard feats of their resilience, I felt confident in their abilities.
As I approached the concert hall, I saw a campus van, Professor Haeli stood at the back, gradually unloading equipment. I was already early myself. She was way ahead of the game.
Noticing my presence, she stepped back from her current efforts to lift a particularly hefty speaker.
“Good paw, Kila! Mind lending me a paw of your own?”
“Sure thing, professor!” I chirped back.
Gripping the thing around the side, we both hoisted it upward and started to carry it into the building.
“Stars forbid they build some speakers into this place,” she huffed. “The university would rather have us lug the same equipment everywhere than have different sets for different venues. I ought to give Blyne an earful for this.”
I gave a strained chuckle as we squeezed through a couple of doorways.
“I wouldn't do that just yet,” I chided. “He could still totally cancel this.”
“You kidding? He's in it deep now. Magister Voana is expecting success. He wouldn't dare back out at this point. If anything, I have more leverage than ever!”
“Just don't let it go to your head.”
“Too late! And, you'd do well not to talk down to a professor, Miss Kila!”
“Well, to be fair, I'm not in any of your classes. You can't touch my grades!”
“Yes, I suppose that's true.”
She wagged her tail slightly. Our prodding was all in jest. I liked Haeli’s cool disposition. It almost made me jealous that she was Mezil’s professor instead of mine.
Not that I'd be much good in the music program. I never made it that far with the plehr.
We carefully placed the thing down in front of the stage and turned it to face where it needed to. One by one, we grabbed each speaker, cable, and soundboard and hauled them into their respective places. As we were setting down the last of the equipment, Headmaster Blyne entered the building with a new face tagging along.
“At least this place has several exits,” the unfamiliar Venlil remarked, scanning the room. “If a stampede does occur, they won’t all crowd into one exit and trample each other.”
“I should hope that such a thing doesn’t occur, Japet,” Blyne sighed. “I think you’re worrying too much about this. The Humans will likely not be any threat. Recent accounts have shown them to be quite civil.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Japet flicked his ears in annoyance. “Whether or not they are actually a threat is irrelevant. If they’re perceived to be a threat, there will be issues. You will have them in masks, correct?”
“Aye, but the mouths will be uncovered. Some of their instruments require air power to be provided that way and they’re also planning on doing vocals.”
“Great. Apart from the eyes, the mouth is probably the most disconcerting part of their faces.”
“Damn it, Japet, if we’re going to police them that closely, we might as well not have them here at all!”
“Now you’re speaking my language.”
The pair had moseyed over to Haeli and I as they regarded each part of the hall. They turned their attention to the two of us.
“Haeli, Kila, this is the head of White Hill University’s exterminator department, Chief Japet,” Blyne explained, recognizing that we didn’t know who he had brought with him.
“A pleasure,” Japet flicked his ears.
“The pleasure is ours,” Haeli replied curtly, clearly a little put off by the fact that this Venlil clearly had absolutely no sympathy for the Humans that we were supposed to be welcoming.
“I know what you’re thinking,” the exterminator scratched at the fur behind his ears. “Look, I’m not thrilled about bringing predators on campus, certainly not sapient predators, but I’m choosing to trust Blyne’s judgment. There will be exterminators on site for the event, but we’re leaving lethal weaponry at the office. I will personally check each and every one of my officers to make sure of that.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t especially surprising that Japet didn’t like the Humans. None of the exterminators did. But, knowing that he was refraining from carrying anything that might kill one of our new Human allies gave me a little bit of comfort. If Brad moved too fast and got incinerated, we’d be in deep shit and down one good friend.
“We appreciate your efforts and thoughtfulness,” Haeli spoke more lightly, seemingly also relieved. “We’ve tried to tailor our show to be challenging but not terrifying. We want to show that we can cooperate with Humans, but we’re not so foolish as to throw a timid audience into a situation that would cause panic.”
“So I’ve heard,” Japet replied flatly. “I just hope you’ve been sound in your decision making. If there is a stampede, someone could get hurt. Remember that.”
“We will.”
Seemingly satisfied with the state of things, Japet made to leave the concert hall.
“I’ll leave you to set up,” he called out while walking away. “My guys will be here a little while before the main event to make sure everything is secure. I would be careful before then if I were you. I’ve heard some rather spiteful responses to your posters.”
As he exited, Haeli breathed a sigh.
“No kidding. A lot of the ads were torn down by angry students. I’ve been running around doing damage control for the last few paws. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be a disaster.”
“Japet is a very thorough fellow,” Blyne assured her. “We’ll be fine I’m sure.”
“We should probably run a sound check,” I interjected. “Professor, could you play something on the flytser for me while I fine-tune our levels?”
“Sure thing,” Haeli replied.
As we checked the inputs and outputs, Blyne observed silently. I tried to push Japet’s ominous warnings from my mind. I had to trust everyone involved to keep tabs on the place. But, I was still a little worried. If there were that many disgruntled people, what would happen during the concert itself?
I tried to focus only on the work, burying my worries in distraction. Another thought popped into my head as we continued. I still hadn't made Haeli aware of Mezil’s last-moment change.
“Mezil wants to add one more song to the set list,” I said, earning an annoyed ear flick from Haeli.
“It's hardly a good time for that. The concert is far too near!” she replied.
“He thinks it's doable. Apparently, it's some ancient music he's never seen before. He seems to believe that you've probably never seen it either.”
That caused the professor to pause for a moment as she considered what I was saying. As a professor, it'd probably be difficult to find anything that she hadn't already heard from Venlil Prime’s ancient times.
“Okay, now I'm interested,” she spoke with renewed conviction.
-
- PART 2 IS HERE -

First / Prev / Next
-
Memory transcription subject: Mezil, Venlil Music Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 9, 2136
Eventually, Kila left to go take care of her own responsibilities and I returned to my dorm room. But, my paw wasn't over, and there was one more thing I wanted to do.
I plopped down at my desk and called Brad once again. It rang only twice before he picked up. His visage filled my screen.
“Well damn, I guess I'm popular today, huh?” He joked.
“We’re not done yet,” I replied. “I know you’ll be working again tomorrow. And, I had some questions.”
“I remember you said you wanted to talk about some serious stuff. What's on your mind? Is this about the sheep?”
The thought of the sheep was still in my head but that wasn't exactly my main concern.
“Brad, I feel like I should have asked this sooner but I think I was afraid of the answer. Do you eat meat?”
“Not lately, in case I ended up on Venlil Prime. But, before first contact, yes.”
“Why? Even if it's lab grown, isn't there any aversion to it? The idea of eating an animal…it’s just…”
Brad shook his head.
“There are a lot of Humans that feel that way. For me, I've always had the lab grown stuff. I don't see it as any different than growing plants. It was never an actual animal. It's just a plant with the flavor and texture of meat.”
“What about other Humans? Do they still keep livestock for food?”
“Shit, I'm going to get in trouble for this. Yes, some do.”
I shuddered at the thought. The idea that Humans were capable of doing such a thing went against everything I'd seen from them so far. Granted, I'd only really seen Brad and Ambassador Noah.
“Why would you do that when you can just lab grow it?” I asked with perhaps a hint of accusation. “How can you justify slaughtering these creatures?”
Brad sighed and leaned in towards the camera.
“Look,” he started. “I won't lie. My dad grew up working the farm. In his day, meat from livestock was on the way out. His dad, my grandpa, thought it was asinine. He'd always worked in the industry and he watched it lose its dominance one step at a time. To him, it was a lifestyle. There was something…authentic about it.”
“Killing animals was authentic?”
“We’re never gonna truly see eye to eye on this. I don't know that I necessarily agree with the practice. We have the means to grow meat so why bother with the animals? But, at the same time, I get the idea my grandpa had. It wasn't just about how Humans affected their livestock. It was how livestock affected the Humans.”
“Livestock…affected Humans?”
“Working these jobs ain't easy. It's not normal to derive joy from shipping the animals to the slaughter. But, there’s a certain flow to it. The process is cyclical. I suppose that's the nature of farming in general. You raise the calves, protect them from predators and climate. You feed them, maintain the places they sleep, and generally try to keep them alive as well as you can. But, one day that's it. You don't get too attached. If you do, you won't be able to part with them.”
“It's your pack-bonding nature.”
“Something like that. Truth is, some folks keep the same type of animal as a family member that others keep as livestock. Sometimes, the same person keeps them both ways.”
My head spun at the idea. It seemed like a heap of cognitive dissonance. How could anyone maintain that mental separation?
“I just don't get it,” I spoke. “How are we supposed to be any different? The Venlil, I mean. Could you…keep us as family while someone else would-”
“We wouldn't keep you at all!” Brad interjected. “You're sapient! You're people! It's different.”
“Why is it different?”
“Because at the very least, a person can tell themselves that an animal is just an animal. It won't act beyond its instincts. Even if it's not true, they can tell themselves that. But we’d never do that to you. I watched you push through that fear the first time we were in a call together. You wanted something beyond the desire to escape; something personal.”
Although Brad said their livestock practice wouldn't extend to the Venlil, I still couldn't buy his justification for keeping livestock in the first place. The way he described it, it seemed to be devoid of the empathy I'd seen Humans show. Could they just turn it off? Is that what it meant to be a predator?
My voice carried a little more loudly than I wanted it to.
“I don't care if it won't happen to us! I just don't get it! It's like you just throw empathy out the window for the sake of food that you could grow in a lab!”
Brad sat silently for a moment and I could see the tiredness in his binocular eyes. Maybe I’d pushed the topic too far.
“I did say we probably wouldn't agree on this. Look, I don't eat anything that came from a real animal. But, there are Humans that do. They may cling to that lifestyle because it's simply tradition to them. They may see value in it that you don't because you've never been a part of it. I can't possibly justify it to you. I can only let you know to expect it.”
I sighed, knowing he was right. The protests of one Venlil weren't going to change anyone’s mind when the protests of many had already failed. The Humans knew we couldn't fathom eating meat. That hadn't stopped them before and it wouldn't stop them now. I'd told myself before to make peace with it. I'd just have to grow into that acceptance over time.
“What about hunting?” I asked. “You said you'd done it before.”
“Yep. Long before all this happened, I took a few deer hunting trips with my dad and uncle. We’d go sit out in the woods for hours, waiting for something to come by that we could shoot.”
“Did you…ever kill anything?”
“Nope. In all the trips I went on, we never fired a shot. Never saw anything but a doe here and there, and a few fawns. We were after a buck; an adult male. That was the only thing we were permitted to kill by the law.”
Laws in hunting?
“You have laws for how to track and kill animals?” I asked, baffled by the idea.
“Yeah. That's how we keep the population stable. You gotta buy your tags or it's illegal to hunt. There's a whole occupation out there for keeping hunters honest.”
“But, even putting the…killing…aside, why go through the trouble? You can grow your meat. Why bother with the laws and the waiting? You spent all that time and effort just to get nothing anyway!”
Brad looked wistful for a moment.
“Well, for one thing, an over-abundance of animals can destroy plant crops and cause other environmental issues. But, I don't think that's the true reason.
The real reason is that when we got out there, unmoving in the cold, I could hear everything that I didn't normally hear. I heard the wind brush against the trees and limbs knocking against each other. I heard a creek that ran far enough away that I was surprised any sound even made it to me. I could hear my dad breathing next to me and I could tell if he'd fallen asleep on the spot.
Once, a little deer trotted up right past me and I didn't move a muscle. He stopped and looked at me, then trotted away. I never thought I'd get that close to a creature so skittish. Even knowing that he wasn't my target, it was incredible to witness. I had a bird land on the barrel of my gun. And, when it was all said and done and we walked back, there'd be hot drinks waiting for us.
It wasn't about the hunt. It was about just…being out there.
My point is, hunting and keeping livestock have been parts of our history for so long, they’ve become embedded in our cultures. And, even now, knowing that it’s all unnecessary, it’s hard to let that history go. You've been very receptive to Humans but I know there are Venlil that aren't. They're in the same boat, really. The status quo is being challenged and they're not comfortable with those changes.”
“But that's not right, either!” I argued. “What they say to Humans is cruel! And, they hurt people like Lanyd…”
“Yeah…it might not be justified at all,” Brad replied.
I realized, then, that my argument had nowhere to go. Brad knew that hunting was dubious. He'd just resigned himself to that flaw; decided that it wasn't the big line to be afraid of crossing. Humans drew that line at sapience. We drew the line at predators.
Could I…really say that the Venlil outlook was any better? How much predatory wildlife had been incinerated without a second thought in the name of our protection?
“Alright,” I conceded. “I think I understand where you're coming from. It's all baked into your values. Humans and the Federation draw their lines at different points. That doesn't mean you don't feel empathy. It doesn't mean you're dangerous”
“I wouldn't say that we can't be dangerous. There are still dangerous people just like you have people that you deem to have ‘predator disease’. But, that doesn't mean every Human is dangerous. Just because I know that there are Venlil that would kill me doesn't mean that I place you in that box too.”
“If the line between predator and prey means so little, where do I draw the line? The big line, I mean; the line that allows you to hunt animals but not sapients.”
“That's for you to decide.”
I turned the idea over in my head. Where would I draw that line? I didn't want to feel hesitation when calling the Arxur monsters. But then, they drew their line at predator and prey just like we had. They just happened to be on the gruesome side of it.
Once again, my expectations had melted away. Humans lived in a world I couldn’t fathom. Yet, I could never seem to reliably challenge their values. The Federation had been too hasty. These people were not monsters, no matter how monstrous they could be.
Could I draw my line at sapients like the Humans had? Would I be able to stand by if Brad was about to shoot an animal or would I shout and send it running away?
My silence must have been telling because Brad spoke up again.
“You don't gotta figure everything out today. Why don't we just listen to some music? We still need to work out our set list for the concert.”
“Not yet,” I answered. “There's still something I want to do. You said you lived with a predatory animal. I want to see it.”
“That's probably not a good idea.”
“I don't care.”
“What's this about?” Brad sighed. “Talking about livestock and hunting, I can tell that you're troubled by something.”
I sighed and flicked my ears in annoyance.
“I'm just…trying to get the hard stuff out of the way. I value your friendship, Brad. I really do, even though we've barely known each other. And, the fact that you're my exchange partner is something I'm immensely thankful for. But, I know there are parts of your life that I’m going to struggle with accepting. I just…don't want that in the back of my mind all the time. I want to see it and make peace with it now. Not later.”
Brad paused and his eyes bored into me. I couldn't tell what he was feeling but, then again, I'm not sure that he was fully sure what to feel either.
“There are bound to be things that come up later on,” he replied. “Even relationships between Humans aren't always smooth sailing. There's bound to be disagreements. Part of friendship is working through those problems.”
“Still, if there's something I know that I can face now, I’d like to take care of it.”
“Alright, fine,” Brad conceded. “I'll go get him. Just try not to freak out. He's a lot more visibly predatory than a Human is, and he's not situationally aware enough to ease you into his looks like I did. Don't go passing out on me.”
I flicked my ears reassuringly but inside, my heart started to beat a little faster. I didn't know what to expect. Would my instincts take over? Brad had moved outside of the camera eye and I heard faint sounds that I couldn't discern.
After a moment, Brad returned holding onto something off-screen.
“I usually shut him out of the room when I'm on a call with you in case he wants to interrupt. Luckily, he usually just lays by the door so it was pretty easy to find him.”
“He's…right there then?”
“Yep. This is Chaser. He's a dog. More specifically, he's a Chow-Shepherd mix. There are a ton of different dog breeds. Some are pretty big. Others are tiny. Chaser here is somewhere in the middle.”
“Does the name refer to how he…hunts?”
“I suppose it technically does although he's kinda lazy for his breed. All he hunts around here are squirrels and I think he’s a bit too chunky to actually catch one. I named him Chaser because I used to have another old dog named Whiskey. When he died, I brought in this goober and figured if Whiskey was the shot, I'd make him the Chaser. Uh, whiskey is an alcoholic drink by the way. Not sure if that translated.”
“It did. That all makes sense.”
“Alright, I guess I'll bring him into the camera view. If it’s too much for you, I'll turn it off.”
“I'm ready,” I responded with faux confidence. “Let me see him.”
Brad slid his chair back to better fit in the frame. With him, he guided a monstrous creature with his bare hands. My heart dropped to my stomach.
“Stars!” was all I managed to squeak out as I pressed myself against the back of the chair.
The beast sported a set of claws and darkened, forward-facing eyes. Its ears were up in attention and it scanned the room with fervor. A long, purplish tongue hung from its mouth and a row of razor-sharp teeth protruded from its gums.
It turned its head to face the camera, training its eyes on me.
I was out of my seat in an instant, pinned to the back wall but still remaining fully conscious somehow. Perhaps it was my time spent looking at Brad that had desensitized me to a predator’s gaze. But, this was more than just binocular eyes. This thing was a killing machine.
“Mezil?” I heard Brad’s call from my pad, quiet given the distance. “Are you good?”
“No!” I answered back. “But I will be! Keep Chaser in the shot!”
“Whatever you say.”
By all means, I should have had him turn it off. But, I was determined to get through this.
The creature took its eyes away from the camera and resumed scanning the room. After a moment, it turned its eyes to Brad and pressed its head against his body. It's tongue rolled out and lapped at his skin.
Oh, Stars, it's tasting him!
But, Brad only leaned into the beast’s pressing. He stroked his hand over its head and scratched lightly behind its ears. The terrifying predator’s muscles went lax and it sat its back end down on the floor. Then, its front end followed.
After a moment, it laid on its back, legs in the air. Brad unceremoniously scratched at its belly.
“Yeah, you ain't vicious are ya?” He spoke as though talking to a young pup. “No scary predators here. Just some harmless ones.”
Chaser was entranced, eyes closed and mouth open, panting.
It's…not attacking him? It's enjoying this.
Slowly, I peeled myself from the wall and meandered back to my pad. Looking closely, Brad seemed happy too, content to run his hands along the length of the dog’s belly.
“Y-you're not worried that it will b-bite you?” I asked in disbelief.
“Chaser? He's a big softie. Never seen him bite anybody. Didn't even really play bite in his younger days.”
“They play by biting?”
“It's not really biting. More like mouthing. Wouldn't break the skin.”
I nearly scoffed at the idea.
“B-but,” I stammered. “Why keep an animal like that around? It looks terrifying!”
“I think he's kinda cute.”
“Do Humans just think anything is cute? Look how sharp its teeth are!”
“Well, actually, Humans do have a pretty wide range of things they might think are cute. Some Humans think things are cute that other Humans find hideous like certain bugs or reptiles. Generally, dogs are pretty well-received.
Remember what I said about sheep being a part of Humans’ lives for so long that their lifestyles got intertwined? The same thing applies here. Actually, some dogs guard and help move sheep.”
“They help you work?”
“Some do. This one here just mooches off me. But, he's very satisfying for me to pet like this. So, I guess it’s a fair trade.”
“Would he…try to hunt me since I'm prey?”
“You? No. Much too big. He might chase small creatures regardless of what they are, predator or prey. I wouldn't bring him around a Dossur from what I've seen. But, he could definitely be trained to leave one alone. Most dogs put loyalty for their Humans far above any instinct. If you can communicate to them that you don't want them to do something, they won't do it.”
Predators teaching predators specifically to not hunt. What a ludicrous idea. But, of course Humans have managed it.
The absurdity of his explanation got to me and I croaked out a strained chuckle.
I looked at Chaser again and he seemed much less threatening in his place on the floor. Even though he looked like he could tear Brad apart, he took a fully submissive position. It was actually fascinating once I got past the initial terror.
I'm trying my best to understand. I have to for Brad’s sake. He deserves to be understood.
“Can we move past this and listen to some music now?” Brad asked with a hint of annoyance. “Or, do you want me to walk you through a meat processing plant or something next?”
“That's enough,” I conceded. “We can listen to some music now.”
“Alright. I'll put Chaser back out.”
“He can stay.”
“Dude.”
“I can handle it.”
Brad shook his head.
“Your newfound confidence makes you a lot less agreeable, you know that?”
“Deal with it,” I replied.
He chuckled at that response.
“Fair enough.”
-
Memory transcription subject: Lanyd, Venlil Music Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 9, 2136
It had been over a claw since I sent my message. I feared that perhaps I was already too late; that she'd already considered me a lost cause.
You disappoint even the predators.
My thoughts had been swirling with negativity and they were only getting louder as the silence stretched. I didn't have the energy to battle them anymore. I just did my best to tune them out.
It…wasn't working.
My pad chimed and I nearly jumped from my place behind the flytser as I scrambled to grab it. The message was from the exchange program app.
I quickly navigated to it with a few quick taps of my claw. Part of me wondered if it was just an alert telling me that I'd been unassigned. But, when I got it open, I was thankfully met with Cora’s reply.
“Sweet! I'm glad to hear from you! I thought maybe I'd messed something up. I was trying to go by the books but first impressions seem like an uphill battle.”
It was never your fault, Cora.
“You did fine,” I assured, typing away with haste. “I was just being unreasonable. I'm sorry that I made you worry. That's all my fault.”
“No! Don't worry about it! I know that this is all pretty hard for you folks. I'm just glad you came around!”
She wasn't mad at me. That was a good enough start.
“You said you were a student,” I replied. “What are you studying?”
“I guess the best way to describe it would be media production and coordination. I'm learning to manage cameras, microphones, and all that. If anything needs to be broadcasted or recorded, that's my specialty! I’m learning to set up all kinds of events, big and small.”
“That's really interesting! I study music. All the Federation species have their own instruments and notation systems so there's a lot to learn.”
“I bet there's a ton of crazy music out there. Is there anything that just makes you think ‘woah, how did they come up with that’?”
I’ve only been truly surprised by…
“Actually, I think the only music that's really surprised me has been music made by Humans. I got to hear some just a short while ago. I actually talked to another Human at the time. My friend’s exchange partner helped me warm up to the idea of talking to Humans. I'm sorry you weren't my first introduction. You really should have been. That's my fault.”
“I can live with that. Don't sweat it.”
‘Sweat’?
“Just getting to talk to you is seriously cool,” Cora continued. “But, if you heard this Human’s music, you must have heard their voice, right? That wasn’t a problem for you? Could we do a voice call?”
Suddenly, I felt my thoughts explode again. My body tensed up and my heart rate increased.
Nononono, I can't lose my cool here.
You're cracking. Typical.
No!
Why was I feeling so nervous again? I’d been doing so well. I had already heard Brad’s voice anyway. What was stopping me here?
Why. Couldn't. I. Just. Say.
“Sure,” I typed out, claw hovering over the send button.
Just press it.
You won't, coward.
You need to do this at some point.
You’ll fail. You always fail.
“This isn't a problem,” I said to myself out loud. “I can do this. I am not a monster. I can do this!”
If Brad suggested that I not call myself a predator out loud, maybe calling myself capable out loud would help? At this point, I was just trying whatever I could think of.
Surprisingly, it actually seemed to work. The shaking in my paws receded and I managed to hit the ‘send’ button.
“Awesome! I can’t wait to hear your voice! I bet it's lovely!” she responded.
Oh no. I have to actually follow through now.
The alert for the call came up and I reluctantly accepted.
“H-hello?” I stammered.
“Lanyd? Can you hear me?”
Cora’s voice was light and airy, much less bass-heavy than Brad’s. Her microphone quality was crystal-clear. Brad’s had been quite good but hers was near flawless. Considering I was pretty sensitive to sound, I could tell right away.
It makes sense. Her whole education revolves around that kind of equipment.
“I c-can hear you. Your microphone s-sounds really g-good.”
“I can tell that you're stuttering. If this is too much right now, we can try again later.”
“N-no!” I blurted out. “I n-need to keep g-going. If I s-stop now…”
I let the sentence trail off. I didn't know how to even explain it. But, I knew that if I gave into the fear again, it’d just keep me down forever.
“Yeah. I understand,” Cora responded with a hint of recognition. “We’ll keep going then. You got any family?”
“My immediate f-family is just my m-mom and d-dad. I don't h-have any siblings.”
“Only child, huh? I got a brother and my mother. Lost dad years ago to health complications. I was still pretty young.”
“I'm sorry f-for your loss.”
“It's alright. I've had a long time to make peace with it. It hurt like hell at the time and I still miss him. But, I can't change the past. We’re all well off now. My bro is older than me and already out in the field as a paramedic. He likes to help people. Maybe I'm just selfish but I'd rather spend my time setting up shows.”
“Th-that's not selfish. Some things n-need to be seen. If you p-present something well, it c-can mean a lot to the p-people involved.”
No kidding. She’ll accomplish more than you ever will.
Stop!
“I'm glad to hear you say that,” Cora replied. “I didn’t mean to unload a bunch of baggage on you right away. I just get in my own head sometimes, you know?”
“Y-you too?”
“Hmm? You feel the same way?”
That's putting it lightly. You're diseased.
No, I am not!
Don't lie to yourself.
“S-sometimes, yes,” I stammered. “You d-don't seem all that nervous, th-though. How do you k-keep it together?”
“Well, I don't think my personal doubts are all that debilitating, per se. Sometimes I just feel a little…lesser. But, there's a Human saying: fake it ‘til you make it. It means that if you don't feel confident in yourself, pretend that you do anyway. If you do your best, your best will get better. Then, you won't be faking it anymore!”
Is that why Brad wanted me to stop saying I was a predator? If I project confidence, can it really make me more confident?
I tried to make a conscious effort to sit up straighter and I took a deep breath.
I can do this.
“I think that's a good idea,” I said, finally dropping the stutter. “It's better than any idea I've had so far.”
Cora laughed lightly at that. Her voice was flighty, even by Venlil standards. It wasn't just the pitch, though. Actually, the pitch wasn't that high. Rather, the sound felt airy, like she was sighing as she spoke.
It was actually kind of charming. It felt easier to speak to her than it was for most people I talked to.
“So, what do your parents do?” she asked.
“My dad does volunteer work for charities. He can afford to because of my mom’s job. She's the Magister of Organizational Affairs for the region. Basically, she organizes big events whether they be cultural or political. It's her job to preside over any government-run events in her jurisdiction.”
“No wonder you thought my education was valuable. It’s right in line with what she does. Damn, that sounds like some serious authority, though. I see why your dad can afford to do volunteer work. I bet a big-wig position like your mom’s pays good money.”
“They always told me not to let it get to me. I used to help volunteer with my dad. It was his goal to make me understand the value of hard work.”
“Good man. Nobody likes a spoiled rich kid. Non-spoiled rich kids are cool though. They share the coolest stuff with you!”
Cora’s disposition was a far cry from Brad’s; much more casual and loose. The light mood aided my efforts, not giving my doubtful thoughts much to latch onto.
It felt oddly satisfying to just have someone accept that I was anxious. Venlil were always expected to have a strong fear response. That was what made us prey. It was normal. But, it was only a fear response for predators that they wanted. Other prey were supposed to be a part of the herd. Being afraid of them worked against that herd.
In this case, though, Cora was already expecting a fear response. In fact, anyone would expect it. And, because of that, it was actually comforting to know that I wasn’t being judged for my inherent struggles.
“What goes into setting up an event?” I asked. “I mean, I’ve seen my mom organize events but she really just hires the teams that need to be involved. It’s all admin work. I’ve never actually paid much attention to the setup in person. Actually, I’m not usually involved with the events at all. It just gets to be too much for me.”
“It really depends on the scale,” Cora answered. “Sometimes it’s just some speakers and a microphone. Other times, it’s cameras and soundboards. We have to be able to work with tech teams to figure out how to run livestreams and the like if an event is being web-hosted. The name of the game is just getting things to show up when and where they need to.”
“Honestly, it’s not much different from what my mom does, I think,” I replied. “Though, you’re a lot more paws-on than she is.”
“No kidding. It’s amazing how much muscle you can build lugging around production equipment. I’m in the best shape of my life and I only do university events!”
Speaking to Cora was getting easier and easier. But, I’d still been seated behind the flytser the whole time. It had served as my anchor for so long, I wasn’t sure if I could do anything without it.
But…
“I’m going to try something,” I announced. “Just…please be patient, alright?”
“Hmm? Yeah, sure. Whatever you need to do, I’ll be cool with it. I’m just glad that we’re talking now!”
Summoning my last scraps of courage, I stood up and stepped away from the flytser. I hoped that nothing would change; that I’d be able to just keep talking as I had so far.
But as I got up, the doubt immediately returned.
You’re nothing without that piece of junk. You’ll fall apart like you always do.
You can’t ruin this conversation now.
She’ll fail. She’s not capable of this without her crutch.
Sit down at the flytser. You have to continue.
That’s right. Go back to your silly little distraction. Good luck making it in the real world when you can’t even talk to someone without sitting behind that thing.
My heart rate started rising and my breathing went shallow.
“S-so, Cora, do you h-have any h-hobbies?” I stammered.
Cora instantly caught on to the change in my demeanor.
“Lanyd? You sound like you’re struggling again. Did something happen?”
“I-I’m fine. Please j-just answer.”
You’re not fine.
Don’t blow this.
Failure.
Idiot.
Predator.
“I’m not answering until you tell me what’s going on,” Cora interrupted the cacophony of noise in my head. “You sounded fine a second ago and now you’re stuttering again. My camera didn’t turn on, did it?”
I guess I have to come clean.
She’ll think you’re crazy.
Mezil, Kila, and Brad didn’t think so.
They did. They just didn’t want to set you off. They were scared you’d go into a frenzy, predator.
“L-like I said before, I d-don’t do well with p-people…at all,” I answered. “But w-when I sit behind my instrument, it h-helps me focus my thoughts. I s-stepped away to s-see what would h-happen. It’s n-not going w-well.”
My throat was closing up and my stomach was churning. Still, I stood in place, testing my resolve against my fear.
You’ll never make it.
Go back to your instrument.
You’re nothing.
Don’t fail this.
I was shaking, tears were forming in my eyes. It was too much.
“Lanyd, don’t worry about any of that! I don’t care if you sit at your instrument. I know this is hard for you. Please, make yourself as comfortable as you can!”
“I d-don’t want to r-rely on that thing f-forever,” I squeaked. “I’m n-never going to m-make it on my own! I can’t-”
“We can work that out later! Take it one step at a time!” Cora was pleading to me at this point. “There’s no benefit to rushing this! I can hear your breathing right now and it doesn’t sound healthy. Please, just sit back down. It’s alright.”
Listen to her. You can’t break down now. Keep it together. Do whatever it takes.
Go run to your flytser. You’re nothing without it.
Conceding to the myriad of voices telling my to sit - some my own, some not - I stumbled back to the flytser and collapsed into the seat. The voices went silent and my breathing and heart rate began to slow.
“I-I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I…thought maybe I could handle it.”
“Chill out! You sounded really panicked there for a second. I know you’re trying to get better at talking to people but you need to be smart about it. I’m a new person and I’m a Human. That doesn’t mean much to me but I know for you, hearing that sets off warning sirens in your head. There’s no reason to compound your fears like that. Let’s just take this slow, alright?”
“...Alright…”
I took a moment to catch my breath, placing my trembling paws along the length of the flytser until they were still again.
“Are all Humans this…lenient?” I asked.
“Lenient?”
“The Human I talked to before was a lot like you, I think. Neither of you showed frustration with me. I thought for sure that you’d be angry at my…weakness.”
“You are not weak,” Cora assured me. “As far as I know, there aren’t a lot of Venlil willing to even try to talk to us. You expect too much from yourself. And, why would you expect any of us to be frustrated by that? I mean, it might get old if it went on for days. But, it’s the first time we’ve spoken to each other. There’s no way in hell that I’m gonna snap at you. Why would I?”
I thought I could hear a twinge of sadness in her voice. The fact that I even expected that behavior must have cut deeper than I predicted. She must have thought my expectations of her were low.
“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be asking you things like that,” I haphazardly apologized. “I didn’t mean to imply that I believed that you’d be angry. It’s just that for Venlil, not working well with the herd can be seen as an ailment. A reaction like that is considered dangerous.”
“You think being nervous around people makes you dangerous? That sounds kinda ridiculous.”
Brad said the same thing.
“Humans…really don’t mind do they?” I asked. “Being different, I mean.”
“Everyone’s a little different,” Cora answered. “Sometimes not everyone gets along with each other well. But, the way I and many other Humans see it, if you’re not hurting anybody, those differences are your business. Well…I wish I could say it was that way for everyone. Not everyone is so on board with that philosophy. But, I think that just proves my point.”
So not every Human is that accepting. Still, it’s a better ratio than what I’m used to. No wonder Cora and Brad were selected for the program. They’re very understanding.
You need someone with that much understanding just to function; someone that doesn’t mind the company of a predator.
Hush.
“I suppose I can’t expect every Human to be this supportive. But, I’m glad that you’re alright with…me,” I spoke with relief.
“Of course I am! You might want to talk to a professional about that social anxiety, though. At least, you should if you want to manage it better.”
That’s the second recommendation to see a ‘therapist’. Are these people really that effective?
They’re just going to bring out the predator in you. They want nothing more than to turn you into a beast like them.
Quiet.
Sit behind that flytser all you want. You’ll never truly be at peace.
QUIET!
I looked down at my paws and they were shaking again. My time was running out. All the constant mingling throughout the paw had worn me down. The realization pained me but I’d needed to cut the conversation short.
“I’m planning to see a therapist soon. But, sorry, I think I’m s-starting to get really stressed out r-right now. Is it alright if we p-pick up where we left off l-later?” I asked apologetically.
“No problem,” Cora responded. “You don’t need to apologize to me. I’m really just so happy I got to talk to you. Feel free to call me whenever you’re feeling up to it. I’ll answer as long as I’m not in class or setting up equipment or something. Uh, no rush though. Take your time. I’ll understand!”
“Th-thank you. Have a g-good pa-...no…day.”
“And a good paw to you!”
Of course she gets it right on the first try.
The call ended and my paws slowly started to steady themselves again. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and wind down.
Maybe I should have played something on the flytser for her. No, I’ll have other opportunities. I’ll use that as motivation. I have to call her again at some point. Otherwise, how will she hear it?
Glancing at the clock on my pad, I was surprised at how much time had passed. I’d spent so much of the paw talking to others. I met multiple new people. It seemed that I was capable of more than I thought.
That’s good. I need to hang onto that thought. I’ll need all the confidence I can muster going forward.
I rose from the seat behind the flytser. For once, my mind was quiet as I stepped away.
Yeah. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
-
First / Prev / Next

Following up on my last post, where I showed card timelines and match reports for what I call the "Classic Era" of Documental (Seasons 1-4), I now move on to what I call the "Middle Era" or "Hollywood Era": Seasons 5, 6, and 7.
(I'll move my thoughts about how I determine these informal eras to the comments. Long story short, Seasons 1-4 are available on English Amazon Prime, Season 8* gets shelved and the seasons afterwards (8 to 10) deal with the ramifications of that, and Seasons 5-7 just fit in the middle.)
One thing I really wanted to do last time is post the pictures of the contestants. These pictures are shown when somebody gets eliminated, so each photo has at least a couple of cards blocking the way, but I decided to suck it up and do some editing/AI work. Check the lower right corners to see my crummy patching jobs!
Enough talk. This time, after each season I'll add a couple of words, but leave a full review for the comments.
ドキュメンタル。。。スタート！

Season 5

My Singa-pole... oh, Macau, Macau, Macau...
Documental Season 5 Contestants
Documental Season 5 Card Timeline
Winner: Hollywood (sole survivor)

Akiyama Ryuji (秋山竜次)	Robert (ロバート)	憑依の肉弾クリエイターズ (The Chubby Imitation Creator)	0	6th

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4:00:21	Orange	Eikoh	Takahashi	Takahashi's Shisho Karuta continues, Eikoh answers "Don't put your arm around my waist" for someone who Akiyama doesn't know.	Personal, Verbal
1:02:17	Red	Hollywood, Eikoh, Junior		Hollywood does wrestler impression, Eikoh puts repeating monkey in front of him, Junior hands Hollywood the harmonica - Hollywood plays harmonica and monkey repeats it (Akiyama: "in the exact same pitch").	Boke, Absurd

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Takahashi Shigeo (高橋茂雄)	Savanna (サバンナ)	スーパー太鼓持ち芸人 (The Super Flatterer Talent)	2	7th

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4:36:39	Yellow	Yamauchi		Yamauchi now checks Takahashi for bunions. Takahashi endures the first round but loses it at the leg.	Physical, Lost Endurance
3:44:52	Orange	Zakoshi	Tamuken	["Delayed He-monica"]: Zakoshi plays Tamuken's "He-monica" game where he receives a kanchou with a harmonica in his mouth and tries not to make a sound. He gets the kanchou but delays making the sound until he's right in Takahashi's face. Double kill with Yamauchi.	Absurd, Prop
1:10:27	Red	Jimmy (zombie), Tamuken (zombie)		["Jimmy trips"]: After Jimmy and Tamuken's zombie-time performance of He-monica with Singapole, after everybody endures, as they leave the room Jimmy trips on something. Double kill with Jinnai.	Accidental, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace

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Kano Eikoh (狩野英孝)	(solo)	被ドッキリナルシスト (The Narcissist Prank Victim)	2	4th

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4:11:20	Orange	(self), Junior	Takahashi	["Shisho Karuta jam"]: During the game of Takahashi's Shisho Karuta, both Eikoh and Junior reach to slap the card at the same time, then look at each other and laugh.	Accidental
39:45	Red	Zakoshi	Yamauchi, Junior	As Eikoh takes out his colored contacts, Junior and Yamauchi stare him down, but it's Zakoshi "staring him down" by putting his testicles on the table that gets him.	Absurd, Physical, Lost Endurance, Lost Concentration, Coup de grace, Targeted

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Jinnai Tomonori (陣内智則)	(solo)	ミスターひとり上手 (Mister One-Man)	0	8th

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4:42:29	Orange	Yamauchi		Yamauchi says he learned how to tell whether a person has bunions (or could have bunions in the future) from filming in Kansai, in osteopathy clinics. He licks Jinnai's foot and toes and Jinnai laughs. Jinnai says he got tickled, but he's told he has to endure that too. Personally my least favorite laugh of the show.	Physical, Absurd, Strict
1:10:27	Red	Jimmy (zombie), Tamuken (zombie)		["Jimmy trips"]	Accidental, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace

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Yamauchi Kenji (山内健司)	Kamaitachi (かまいたち)	コンテスト常勝男 (The Ever-Victorious Konto Man)	2	3rd

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3:44:52	Orange	Zakoshi	Tamuken	["Delayed He-monica"]	Absurd, Physical, Prop
38:48	Red	Hollywood		Hollywood invites his helper, "Charming Jiro" to show "Female Version". Tells him to get changed and he comes back naked in lightning speed, hopping in and showing "Male Version" and "Female Version" (covering his penis by pulling his ballsack up).	Routine, Absurd, Vulgar, Helper

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Tamura Kenji (たむらけんじ)	(solo)	関西のサイドビジネス王: (Kansai's Side-Business King)	3	9th

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5:19:28	Yellow	Kendo	Takahashi	During Takahashi's fit-sausages-into-mouth game, Kendo pops up with a surprising amount of sausages in his mouth suddenly.	Traditional
2:49:35	Red	(self), Kendo		During waxing Kendo's pubes, now with Kendo having a harmonica in his mouth, he pulls the waxing strip and doesn't pull much, just snags. Kendo reacts to the pain and Tamura laughs ("When Kobayashi's penis, who has been so gentle all the time, went crazy like 'uueehh', that got me and I just can't hold back.").	[Self-destruct, Absurd, Vulgar

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Kendo Kobayashi (ケンドーコバヤシ)	(solo)	不惑のテナーエロス (The Man of Tenor Eros)	2	5th

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2:56:51	Orange	Yamauchi, (self)	Tamuken	Tamuken wants to shave Kendo's pubes. Yamauchi says Kendo has a gentle penis, and Kendo smiles at the praise.	Lost Concentration, Fun
46:26	Red	Akiyama		Akiyama brings an old lady to help him with gymnastics. After many skits, Akiyama finds a paper with "69" written on it and asks what 69 is. She replies "That's my age!".	Traditional, Verbal, Helper

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Hollywood Zakoshisyoh (ハリウッドザコシショウ)	(solo)	キングオブあらびき (The King of Sloppiness)	5	1st (survived)

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04:47	Orange	Akiyama (zombie)		Akiyama arrives with the glued-on mask and talks to Hollywood: "You're being noisy, young man. You understand me? I can't take this anymore..." Hollywood smirks slightly.	Strict, Absurd

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Chihara Jr. (千原ジュニア)	Chiharakyodai (千原兄弟)	理論派擬音ベシャリスト (The Logical Minded Veteran)	3	2nd

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5:46:40	Yellow	Hollywood		Said to be laughing all along, but laughed at Hollywood's exaggerated Koizumi Junichiro impersonation.	Warning, Absurd, Boke
5:31:08	Orange	Takahashi, Hollywood		Hollywood talks about losing his virginity (encouraged by Kendo writing "Purin Hime" on his water bottle, referencing that story), and Takahashi responds: so when you lost your virginity, and he asked "How did it go?", did you say that "something gummy just came out of me?".	Verbal, Vulgar
28:32	Red	Takahashi (zombie)		Takahashi as a zombie brings out his helper impersonating Jouto no Teru from Be-Bop High School. "Gimme your pants, dude!" and tries to take off Junior's pants - Junior laughs because "it wasn't going smoothly at all".	Absurd, Helper

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Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	超天然系核融合 (Super Absent-Minded Nuclear Weapon)	0	10th

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5:37:34	Yellow	Tamuken		When everyone writes their names on the water bottles, Tamuken writes "Ichiro".	???
5:00:47	Orange	Junior		Junior writes Ichiro on the cups and passes it to Jimmy.	???
4:53:04	Red	(self), Kobayashi		Koba put the egg on the candle holder a long time ago. Each time Jimmy laughed, he pointed out the egg, waiting for it. Koba asks Jimmy to look at the egg, the contestants spur him on. Jimmy looks and laughs again. Everyone is baffled. Jimmy explains that he was surprised the scale didn't go down from the weight of the egg, not realizing that it was a candle holder and not a scale.	???, Accidental

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My Opinion/Summary:
The only season where there was actually only one contestant making it to the end, due to pretty strict judging from Matsumoto. Also the season with the highest amount of helpers. The regular cast is good (Jimmy laughing at absolute nonsense is pretty funny). The Chinese parlor skit with Jimmy and Hollywood included is also really funny (even if it is a repeated routine), to me it feels like a "passing of the torch" from the more experimental "newer" era of Documental to a more established (with a touch of formulaic) Documental. It's tricky to rate because the regulars (especially as zombies) do very well and it's interesting to see a "one man left standing" situation finally happen, but I personally think the group dynamic in this season is a bit weak, and I just don't care for a lot of the non-regular cast, especially Yamauchi getting laughs by licking toes.
FINAL WORDS:
Jimmy: "Toro, toro!" (Give me toro, I want toro!) (トロ、トロ！）
Akiyama: "Here, toro toro toro..." (Here you go, toro)（はい、トロトロトロ。。。）
Jimmy: "Miko..." (みこ。。。）

Season 6

Family, family, family! ("You are trying to escape from the family.")
Documental Season 6 Contestants
Documental Season 6 Card Timeline
Winner: Yuriyan Retriever (3 uncarded, won 3-1-0 on points... or judge's decision, if you go by what Matsumoto's words imply)
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Yuriyan Retriever (ゆりやんレトリィバァ)	(solo)	ぶっこみバイリンガール (The Smashing Bilingual Girl)	3	1st (survived uncarded, won on points)

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Kurosawa Kazuko (黒沢かずこ)	Morisantyu (森三中)	歌って踊れる肉塊 (Meat That Sings And Dances)	0	3rd (survived uncarded, lost on points)

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Kondo Haruna (近藤春菜)	Harisenbon (ハリセンボン)	返し技ファンタジスタ (The Counter Fantasista)	1	2nd (survived uncarded, lost on points)

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Daigo (大悟)	Chidori (千鳥)	荒くれハニカミ坊主 (The Rough and Shy Baldy)	1	10th

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5:35:30	Yellow	Jimmy		Jimmy opens a soda bottle behind his back, it goes "Pssh!" and he says "Oh, is this soda?". Time not shown but happens during 5:35 and time shortly afterwards 5:31.	Boke, Verbal
5:22:52	Safe	Shoji		["Ramen, tsukemen, nukemen"]: Shoji, asked if he knows other people's gags, ends up botching Kanoh Eiko's "Ramen, tsukemen, ikemen" (saying nukemen instead, e.g.). Contemporary with Fujimon.	Boke, Verbal
4:31:10	Orange	(self), Jimmy		["Squeaker"]: After Jimmy washes his hair after the quail egg, Daigo gets Jimmy to sit and the squeaker sounds, but quieter than Daigo expected. Contemporary with Jinnai.	Self-destruct, Unexpected
3:04:59	Red	Jimmy	Fujimon	Fujimon gets Jimmy to clear his sinuses with wasabi, Jimmy rushes for soda water to get rid of the pain and says "You bastard... Fujimori..." to Fujimon (in Daigo's words: mistaking the name of his junior, who has been with him for several decades). Said by Matsumoto to be the fastest somebody's been out (not even close to being true, a total of 9 contestants have been expelled earlier in previous seasons).	Boke, Verbal

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Tomochika (友近)	(solo)	変幻自在の憑依女王 (The Protean Imitation Queen)	5	4th (survived, lost on cards)

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1:30:39	Orange	(self), Yuriyan	Kurosawa	During the "cheap musical" targeting Fujimon, Tomochika laughs at herself and Yuriyan's nonsense. "This is dog? No, it's not dog. Dog is her. What? What? What is this? It's the bean!" and as Tomochika sings "Do-do-do-dog dog dog dog", she laughs.	Fun, Joins In

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Maeda Ken (真栄田賢)	Slimclub (スリムクラブ)	ハスキーボイスミュータント (Husky Voice Mutant)	2	5th (survived, lost on cards)

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1:39:52	Yellow	Shoji, Tomochika, Fujimo		Shoji comes out dressed as a bee and tries to say he has an "immunity" (men-eki: 免疫). Tomochika asks if he means the Nagoya station. Fujimon tsukkomi by correcting her that's "mei-eki: 名駅". Maeda goes hmph.	Strict, Verbal, Boke

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Jinnai Tomonori (陣内智則)	(solo)	ミスター隠れ天然 (Mister Hidden Boke)	1	9th

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4:31:10	Yellow	Daigo, Jimmy		["Squeaker"]	Unexpected
2:47:47	Orange	Tomochika, Yuriyan		Yuriyan and Tomochika's improvised geisha performance. Jinnai endures through the uncovered nipple, but loses it at the "Should I go this way? Nope, I'll go this way and turn around." (こっちに行こうか。やっぱりこっちだ振り向いて). Fujimon was close, but Jinnai was targeted, and from his position he "just saw a huge butt coming towards him".	Targeted, Routine, Improvised
2:14:49	Red	Tomochika, Yuriyan, Haruka		Tomochika starts up another improvised geisha performance with Haruka. They target Jinnan who holds on, but just as Tomochika changes the tune and sings "Papa-ra-pa", Yuriyan appears and joins in the dance.	Targeted, Routine, Improvised, Unexpected

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Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史)	Fujiwara (FUJIWARA)	(no description)	1	7th

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5:22:52	Safe	Shoji		["Ramen, tsukemen, nukemen"]	Boke, Verbal
3:34:18	Orange	(self), Jinnai		Fujimoto sings Jinnai's blue jeans song, and when Jinnai tsukkomis "Why are you looking this way, dude" Fujimon laughs.	Self-destruct, Lost Concentration, Fun, Tsukkomi
12:41	Red	Shoji	Jimmy (zombie)	Jimmy comes in a zombie and does Fujimon's wasabi.	Boke, Absurd, Physical

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Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西)	(solo)	(no description)	4	8th

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4:47:42	Yellow	Maeda, (self)		After Jimmy's first quail egg launch, as Jimmy is wandering around, Maeda spits out the "used" quail egg. Jimmy holds back for a bit but ultimately laughs.	Counter, Vulgar
2:03:49	Orange	Tomochika, Yuriyan		After Jimmy comes out dressed as a villain and Yuriyan "battles him", Yuriyan randomly picks up a copy of "Brigham Young at Home" and starts reading from it in English, Tomochika interprets it in Japanese. Jimmy tries to run away and stick his head in the freezer, but he collapses at "A history of family" ("You are trying to escape."). "Family family family." ("You are trying to escape from the family.").	Routine, Improvised, Targeted, Explosive
1:51:29	Red	Maeda		Maeda comes out (during the improv musical performance) in his red outfit and grass skirt. After the performance, he gets asked what this is, and replies "Infinite testicles syndrome" and moves the grass skirt to reveal the bulge of many balls. Jimmy doesn't even see the latter part, he just laughs at Infinite testicles syndrome. Fujimon calls it the "loudest laugh in Documental history".	Verbal, Boke, Explosive

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Murakami Shoji (村上ショージ)	(solo)	昭和ギャグ怪人 (Showa Gag Geek)	2	6th

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5:36:27	Yellow	(self), Fujimon, Daigo		Fujimon plays around with Shoji's old shirt and does the nipple "in or not in?" game, Daigo joins in, he gets impatient and gets asked to learn how to wait by Daigo and Fujimon, says ta-ha.	Lost Concentration
3:40:44	Orange	(self), Fujimon		Attacking Fujimon trying not to laugh, he asks "Are you a rucksuck?". Fujimon corrects him - "It's rucksack", and he laughs naturally as he says "Oh yeah" to his own error.	Lost Concentration
08:36	Red	Tomochika		Tomochika comes out in the adult video tennis outfit and crawls around looking for her ball. Her short skirt reveals her panties.	Routine, Prepared, Vulgar

My Opinion/Summary:
The season known for having a large amount of female contestants, who ally for some pretty great improv routines. The Yuriyan / Tomochika alliance works pretty great, and Matsumoto is entirely right to say it would have been ok if Tomochika won too. I suspect that a lot of people really like this season, given how popular Joshimental is, but for me the non-female cast is weak. Especially the regulars: this is probably Jimmy's weakest season, and Fujimoto, as much as I like him, isn't really as good this season or the seasons after as he was in the classic era (I guess this is after the divorce, and after he changes his hairstyle to the horrible bangs he has now). Like Season 5, a bit of mixed bag for me.
FINAL WORDS:
Yuriyan: I will never stop!
Tomochika: Since the day we met, we are...

Season 7

Na! Ka! Ta! Na-ka-ta! I'm a peee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erfect human!
Documental Season 7 Contestants
Documental Season 7 Card Timeline
Winner: Hollywood (3 remaining, won 11-2-1 on points)
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Nobu (ノブ)	Chidori (千鳥)	Gallery: ツッコミ界のクセ強者 (The Addictive Tsukkomi Dominant) / Contestant: ドキュメンタル最弱芸人 (The Weakest Comedian in Documental)	0	10th

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5:40:28	Yellow	Seiya	Michio, (self)	Michio feeds Nobu jelly and squeezes it suddenly, causing it to go everywhere. Though Nobu should be doing tsukkomi, it goes in Seiya's eye and he reacts with "Ah, it got in my eye!".	Unexpected, Absurd
4:31:27	Orange	Kato		["Oppai to Kitamura-san"]: Kato does Round 2 of his oppai gag, then suddenly switches to his Kitamura-san gag in the middle. Contemporary with Koyabu, who is safe.	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
4:20:35	Red	Hollywood		From 100% Akira exaggerated to a couple of Adamo-chan on a plate, but collapses when Hollywood reveals just his "chinbou" (penis).	Vulgar, Routine, Absurd, Explosive

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Kato Ayumu (加藤歩)	Zabunguru (ザブングル)	Gallery and Contestant: 悔恨の顔面凶器 (The Regretful Face Weapon)	2	2nd (survived, lost on points)

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5:44:38	Yellow	Tamura		After Tamura's card, Tamura begins discussing whether he should continue or stop his Ciao, and Kato laughs because he thinks "How long is he going to go on about Ciao?".	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
3:28:25	Orange	(self), Seiya		During Seiya's impersonations game, Kato begins playing along with the Tenryuu impersonation and smiles during it.	Joins in

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Goto Terumoto (後藤輝基)	Footballhour (フットボールアワー)	Gallery: 鳥顔ギター男 (The Bird Face Guitar Man) / Contestant: ツッコミスナイパ (Tsukkomi Sniper)	2	6th

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3:59:30	Safe	Seiya, (self)		Seiya places the delivery call for the paella after his pizza order as Goto does tsukkomi for the thing in his nose. The answer is "We're not close to you right now" - Seiya has no clue what this means. Goto barely holds it in as "we're not close to you at this time" (只今近くにおりません) makes no sense to hear as a response to placing a call for delivery. In his words: "今のだと聞いたことない。「近くにおりません」って出前の電話である！？" (I've never heard what I just heard now. "We are not nearby" for delivery!?).	Unexpected
2:55:48	Yellow	Hollywood		Hollywood's first Sakura from Mr. Children impression.	Routine, Prepared, Impersonation
1:18:44	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's Naoki Hanzawa impression. Asked to do Funakoshi Eiichiro's wife. Goes to phone - okaa-chan, okaa-chan! Hangs up and goes to Goto. Hanzawa again?... lapses back to Okaa-chan.	Impersonation, Boke, Unexpected
46:22	Safe	Koyabu		Koyabu's helper Naoyuki Imabeppu - "Just to-touch my nipples again.".	Boke, Helper
34:38	Red	Zakoshi, Koyabu, (self)		Spurs on Noyabu's helper Imabeppu to do Zakoshi's VTR "The answer is - anal!". Imabeppu and Zakoshi fall into a loop of Imabeppu: The answer was - anal! Hollywood: It's too dark, I can't see! But if I put on my contacts, the world chnanges! (refering an earlier impersonation). This loop continues until Goto gives in.	Lost Endurance, Helper, Absurd, Vulgar

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Seiya (せいや)	Shimofuri Myojo (霜降り明星)	Gallery and Contestant: 天真爛漫M-1王者 (The Naive M-1 Champion)	1	9th

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4:38:04	Yellow	(self), Kato	Nobu	Given as Kato's point. Seiya reads Kato's "Guitar Samurai" "book from the store manager" (comedian Yoku Hata's Guitar Samurai character book: ギター侍の書, a bit of a "classic" comedian from the early 00s) with stories ending with "tte iu jya naai? / zannen!" (Yoku Hata's gag). After a tsukkomi from Nobu and Seiya going on in the rhythm (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUKZ4iAugr0 for reference), he laughs at the punchline, being able to see it before he says it. Even as everyone points to him for laughing and the siren goes off, he manages to finish.	Joins in, Prop, Tsukkomi, Traditional
2:43:40	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's "サブリミナル効果" (Subliminal Effect) / Sean Ben-man video.	Absurd
2:37:32	Red	Hollywood		The rest of Hollywood's "サブリミナル効果" (Subliminal Effect) / Sean Ben-man video.	Absurd

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Tamura Kenji (たむらけんじ)	(solo)	Gallery: 焼肉獅子舞 (The Grilled Meat Lion Dance) / Contestant: 関西のサイドビジネス王 (Kansai's Side Business King)	2	7th

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5:48:30	Yellow	Miyasako		During an interaction with Miyasako, Miyasako brings up his stomach cancer.	Unexpected, Unfunny
4:50:04	Orange	(self), Goto		During Tamuken's hyponesis noodle-eating skit, as Goto eats the noodles, Tamuken says "Raise your head" as his head was already raised, and Goto almost laughs, causing Tamuken to break down.	Self-destruct, Counter, Verbal, Unexpected
1:32:10	Red	(self)		As the team discovers the soundboard keyboard, Tamura presses the leftmost key and gets Hamada's "Seika happyou!" (成果発表！/The results are!...) voice clip.	Prop, Staff, Personal, Traditional

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Hachimitsu Jiro (ハチミツ二郎)	Tokyo Dynamite (東京ダイナマイト)	Gallery: 蘇る金豚 (The Resurrection of Golden Pig - oddly enough, this is Yamamoto's title in both seasons he appears) / Contestant: 重量級ツブヤキスト (The Heavyweight Whisperer)	1]	3rd (survived, lost on points)

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2:26:06	Yellow	(self)		Smiles normally while explaining "It's no good if you watch it, but also if you don't watch it" about Hollywood's videos.	Lost Concentration

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Koyabu Kazutoyo (小籔千豊)	(solo)	Gallery and Contestant: 新喜劇ベイダー (The New Comedy Vader)	1	tie for 4th

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4:31:27	Safe	Kato		["Oppai to Kitamura-san"]	Boke, Absurd, Unexpected
1:53:53	Yellow	Hollywood		Hollywood's "fwah! fwah!" stretch pants from his Sakura from Mr. Children bit.	Boke, Routine, Prepared, Absurd, Impersonation
17:31	Orange	Hollywood, Kato		Hollywood's helper Koume Dayu gives his performance, Kato gets angry and makes him suck his boobs gag from earlier, which have nipples.	Helper, Vulgar, Absurd
01:29	Red	Hollywood	(self)	["Perfect Human Last-Minute Double Elimination]: Koyabu's right foot smells, Kato licks it, but then Hollywood flies against it with his head (the "Flying Man" choreography from Perfect Human) while chanting "Na-ka-ta! Nakata! I'm a peeeeerfect human!" (ref: the chorus of Perfect Human, sort of like a Japanese Gangnam Style, https://youtu.be/4Bh1nm7Ir8c?t=149) Miyasako collapses to his knees with a grin and Koyabu's face stretches open like Jimmy's does when he tries to hold back a laugh.	Counter, Absurd, Boke

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Michio (みちお)	Tom Brown (トム・ブラウン)	Gallery and Contestant: 不可思議ペンギン男 (The Incredible/Insane Penguin Man)	0	8th

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5:23:01	Orange	(self), Goto		Shows photo of Adamo-chan in makeup even in transit to next show to Goto, Goto's tsukkomi gets him.	Counter, Tsukkomi
2:30:34	Red	Tamura, Hollywood		During Hollywood's sunglasses zoom video ("Sunplaza Nakano getting huge"), Michio holds it, but Tamura retches from holding in the laugh and that gets Michio.	Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Unexpected, Impersonation

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Miyasako Hiroyuki (宮迫博之)	Ameagari-Kesshitai (雨上がり決死隊)	Gallery and Contesant: 決死のオフホワイト芸人 (The Desperate Off-White Comedian)	1	tie for 4th

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2:04:55	Yellow	(self)		Says "I'm tired" and grins normally after "Of course you're tired" - lets his guard down.	Lost Concentration
33:44	Orange	Hollywood		Hollywood's "two-sword attack" with two repeating monkeys, Miyasako cracks at the accidental time lag.	Unexpected, Prop, Boke
01:29	Red	Hollywood	Koyabu	["Perfect Human Last-Minute Double Elimination]	Passive, Absurd, Boke

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Hollywood Zakoshisyoh (ハリウッドザコシショウ)	(solo)	Gallery: ハンマカンマの住人 (The Citizen of 'Hanma Kanma') / Contesant: 超攻撃型ドキュメンタリスト (The Super Aggressive Documentalist)	11 (!!)	1st (survived, won on points)

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3:21:55	Yellow	Hachimitsu		Hachimitsu's Kim Jong-nam impersonation through the sliding door: "Sorry for using other people's passports.".	Impersonation

My Opinion/Summary:
I suspect a lot of people dislike this season because of Kato (and Seiya, as per a commenter in the last thread) getting away with laughing and take a lot of control. But I actually like this season more than Seasons 5 and 7! I guess the group dynamic reminds me of Season 4. We have a lot of fresh faces, Hollywood is somehow even stronger than he is in Season 5 (this season marks the most dominant performance of a contestant we'll probably ever see: a whopping eleven points), and the mix of contestants just feels right to me (except Hachimitsu doesn't do much). It's probably objectively worse than Seasons 5 and 6, but it just hits the spot for me. Koyabu's face peeling and Miyasako collapsing to his knees in the penultimate minute at Hollywood's gag will always live on in my mind, as will Seiya managing to hold on, asking to let him finish with the Guitar Samurai reading even as he starts laughing, people start pointing, and the siren goes off - Zannen!!!
FINAL WORDS:
Hollywood: Two pieces of squid!? (イカ２貫！？) (exaggerated Chidori Nobu's gag)