Easy listening..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-E9m-JlbdU
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Time Stamps for Music in Video: 0:00 - Instrumental # 1 0:34 - Instrumental # 2 1:04 - Instrumental # 3 1:39 - Instrumental # 4 2:10 - Instrumental # 5 2:36 - Instrumental # 6 3:10 - Instrumental # 7 3:44 - Instrumental # 8 4:16 - Instrumental # 9 4:47 - Instrumental # 10 5:20 - Instrumental # 11 5:54 - Instrumental # 12 6:26 - Instrumental # 13 6:53 - Instrumental # 14 7:24 - Instrumental # 15 7:56 - Instrumental # 16 8:30 - Instrumental # 17 9:06 - Instrumental # 18 9:37 - Instrumental # 19 10:08 - Instrumental # 20 10:43 - Instrumental # 21 Thanks for viewing! Which Instrumental did you make it to? Write the Instrumental number in the comments. Thanks for participating.

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Obsessive spiraling thoughts about an ex friend
I will try to keep this as short and cohesive as possible but please forgive if it isn’t. I’m also not the best writer so please excuse rambling sentences, misplaces commas, etc. My wife (27) and I (25) had this friend for a while before we moved away, she was much younger than us(19 I believe at the time) and for a while I think we kind of looked at her as a young sister which is great because we’re both the youngest in our families so it was a nice dynamic. We mostly spent time at our house at the time and even took a 3 day trip to the Smokey mountains. It was a very short lived friendship but it felt very special, a kind of friendship I’ve never had before.
I can go on and on about this specific event but I will keep it pretty vague and to the point if you would like further details feel free to shoot me a DM. Basically I decided to take magic mushrooms one day when we were all chilling in the house. Obviously in hind sight this was a horrible idea, if you have never taken a psychedelic substance there are a few basic ground rules people should follow so they don’t end having a bad trip: don’t take it a whim (plan, plan, plan!) and don’t trip around people who have never tripped and don’t know what it’s like because they can say or do something minor that can throw you into a nasty head space and your trip can turn real bad real fast. Well that’s exactly what happened. She made a comment that was objectively kind of rude but she was just trying to be funny but that sent me spiraling and all of this trauma got unleashed that had been hiding in my mind for years. Memories of being sexually abused as a child, old insecurities and self worth issues I had thought I had gotten over, and the early death of my father. I have no idea why what she said triggered all of these things to come up but they did and my mental health took a hard dive. It’s been a little over two years since that trip and it still feels like it happened yesterday. After that day I just couldn’t see her the same way she became a trigger for me even though it wasn’t her fault I’m the one who stupidly decided to trip on a whim in front of someone who’s younger and didn’t know anything about the effects of psychedelics so I’m aware it’s completely on me.
I did finally talk to her about this (over text and not in person another ridiculous mistake) and at the end of the day it ended up with us deciding we just couldn’t be friends anymore. Meanwhile, my wife and her still remained close and would go to concerts together and then when we moved to another town she just stopped talking to my wife and they had a falling out (somewhat related to what happened with me and her but a few others thing too) so she’s no longer in either of our lives.
Again I left out alot of details just for the sake of the length, but I’m willing to fill in any gaps if it helps with feedback. Even though I have virtually no connection with her and we don’t really have any mutual friends she will pop on my social media sometimes and whenever I think I put it behind me it sets me right back where I was two years ago. To make things worse I recently started writing and preforming music as a cathartic way to express my feelings about everything and started playing gigs which helps but some of the venues I play I found out from another source that she frequents quite often which always sends me great anxiety when this is the one area that I feel like is helping me deal with this shit. I don’t know how to move on. I currently have no health insurance so I can’t get on meds or talk to a professional and I really wish I could just hate her honestly it would be so much easier to deal with anger than deal with hurt. I have so many mixed emotions towards the whole situation: anger and resentment for what happened to me, guilt and shame for how I handled the whole situation with her, and grieving a lost friend. There are days where I think about reaching out to her but I just can’t I know for a fact she feels really awful about the whole situation and I don’t want to bring her down with me.
Again I apologize for the messy writing I can’t sleep and it’s four in the morning and I just needed to express my feelings openly somehow. Any advice would help or just some overall feedback. Again I’m aware it’s my fault at the end of the day with the mushrooms that was very irresponsible of me so I just ask to not harp on that. Thank you ❤️

Hey there, I have generated an idea for a YouTube video which i really want to make into reality! Its a musical idea in which i "Make a song in 24 hours" However i have no knowledge on the editing side of things but have experience in the graphical design with thumbnails so i know that if i make an eye catching thumbnail ill have a high CTR! What Free editing profile would you guys recommend for me to use?

Hello all
This if my first post here, but I’ve lurked around here for quite a while.
I currently own a Blon Bl03 iem and VE Abigail portable DAC which I use with my IPhone 15 and MacBook.
I am now itching to have a change, but don’t know what to buy. I can either buy another iem or another dac. The ones that I have in mind are Truthear Crinacle zero reds, and the Moondrop Dawn Pro DAC or the Shanling UA1 plus. Please feel free to suggest other devices.
Can any of you help me compare the 2 iems? I have compared their frequency graphs but they seem quite similar there.
I do not listen to any particular genre and have all kinds of music in my playlist regularly. However, I do NOT listen to music like Death Metal which have too much ‘shouty’ sounds. The maximum is can tolerate in this regard is Psychosocial.
What should I buy? The dac or the iem? I’m looking for a different sound, but I do not like the analytical flat sound. I need a bit of bass fun without drowning in it. The blons are good but they sound kind of muddled in my linkin park revisits.
Sorry for the essay, I’m just puzzled beyond my comprehension.

Hello reddit.
It's been 4 days since I finished Chap14. Took me roughly 80 hours, in the span of exactly 3 weeks. I was fortunate enough to find some free time to really immerse myself into Rebirth for the full 3 weeks.
But now it's been 4 days, I can't go back to 'normal'. Still crying on a regular basis, unable to move on.
It comes from two things:
One, I do believe that in my 20+ years of gaming, FF7 Rebirth is the best single player game I've ever played, from top to bottom. Combat is excellent, music it out of this world, I loved all the side activities, the charm shining through every moment, the locations and how polished everything was. Playing other games since then feels wrong. I came back to Destiny and Diablo, and these two games feel boring af. I feel anxious that this game destroyed gaming (at least a little bit) for me, because nothing comes close to this level of quality.
Second: I got really attached to the characters, especially Aerith. Don't get me wrong, I am in my thirties, I completely understand that it's a fictional character, but seeing the romance between Aerith and Cloud hit me harder than it has any reason to be. She's literally perfect, the way she is written, the way she looks and behaves, the way she's acted and animated. The Chap12 Gold Saucer date is when I started to feel unwell. I haven't played the OG, but i was fully aware what her fate was, which made this sorta like a sequel to Arrival, one of my favourite movies.
But then, the ending, confused as it was (along with the ending of chap13) really brought it home. I can't believe being more emotional over any piece of art like this. The 'last date' in Sector 5 was definitely the highlight.
It's been difficult to look for help or comfort from my friends or family - I'm the only gamer here, so I don't want to be vulnerable around them - the worst thing they can do is say "it's just a video game". So that's why I came here.
I don't want this thread to become another ending theory discussions hub (there are plenty of those already), but obviously I'm the "Aerith is alive, Cloud did create a new timeline" camp, but at this point I'm not sure if I truly believe in that, or it's just me coping (like Cloud is, based on the other theories). The genius of Square is that, at least for me, they managed to have cake and eat it too - they didn't fully commit to killing Aerith, yet they managed the ending to feel impactful and emotional, as if they did commit.
So, there I am, unable to move on. Still thinking about this almost constantly, crying sporadically, feeling this overwhelming loss, as if I actually knew her. I guess I'm a sucker for Japanese tragic romance stories - and this is what Rebirth essentially is for me.
I'm aware that time heals wounds and all that, but waiting 3-4 years to see the conclusion of this story is going to be devastating.

בס״ד
Shalom!
Currently resides in Israel, northern part. Willing to relocate (preferably to LA).
I consider myself as a very easy going guy and down to earth (I just hope I’m not mistaken 🙂)
Looking for a good connection with my future partner in life.
As for looks, I’m 5’6” (170cm), weigh 65kg. And without sounding misogynist or arrogant, I prefer someone similar to my physical characteristics.
I enjoy listening to most types of music, with emphasis on the 90’s era. Everything sea related is my thing (I also got a skipper license!).
Got closer to Judaism (orthodox) a bit after my release off IDF. Learnt some Talmud (only an hour at each of end day, after school/work, but managed to complete 4 Masekhet’s, currently studying chavrusa only an hour a week, Masekhet Yoma), started to observe Shabbat, but unfortunately stopped after something like 12 years (not desecrating in public, which considered much worse). I am ready to get back into observing tho, so that shouldn’t pose any problem. Eating kosher only.
I did study in university (computer science), but found it unappealing, to the point I had to leave.
I hope I didn’t miss anything important, and if so, feel free to ask!
Good luck to all my brothers and sisters! God bless you all.

First time reader of Wolfe and I'm having an amazing time working my way through shadow and claw. I had to read this chapter a couple times to try and grasp it; it's extremely dense. I'm still finishing Claw of the Concilliator so my thoughts may change. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The Tale of the Student and His Son Analysis
“Once, upon the margin of the unpastured sea, there stood a city of pale towers.”

• The unpastured sea evokes Hamlet “the undiscovered country” death and the unconscious. Pale refers obviously to a light color but also feebleness. However, a tower symbolizes wisdom and stability and the balance of forces (light and dark, fire and water, order and chaos). Wolfe is already painting this city in contradiction.

“In it dwelt the wise. Now that city had both law and curse.”

• Another symbol of duality: loss and gain. The wise give the law but simultaneously curse the city.

“The law was this: That for all who dwelt there, life held but two paths: they might rise among the wise and walk clad with hoods of myriad colors, or they must leave the city and go into the friendless world.”

• Here’s another contradiction: the wise wear myriad colors symbolizing their acceptance of all, but their law is built on exclusion, a brotherhood without.

“Now one there was who had studied long all the magic known in the city, which was most of the magic known in the world”

• The magicians study pan (all). They are comparative mythologists, occultists, Jungians, etc. (This, ironically, is Wolfe). Pan in Greek mythology is a cloven foot and horned god that plays the “pan flute”, and is associated with nature and sex. He is often accompanied by nymphs.

“And he grew near the time at which he must choose a path. In high summer, when flowers with yellow and careless heads thrust even from the dark walls overlooking the sea.”

• High summer is a reference to the “dog days” of summer. In ancient Greece, this was the hottest and most uncomfortable part of summer. It’s called the “dog days” because it coincides with the heliacal rising of Sirius in the constellation Canis Major. Furthermore, the Greeks believed the luminous Sirius (from seiros: scorching) caused the extra hot days. I mention this because it relates to the alzabo which in the Lexicon Urthus is from the archaic Arabic “al-dhi’b” which refers to a wolf, a jackal, or a star in Canis Major.

“How may I - even I who know nothing - have a place among the wise of the city? For I wish to study spells that are not sacred all my days, and not go into the friendless world to dig and carry for bread”

• Another paradoxical and ironic statement: he’s been studying all his life, but knows nothing. A Socratic kind of wisdom but also represents spiraling madness. Critically, he wants to study non-sacred spells; he turns away from the divine.

“ Do you recall how, when you were hardly more than a boy, I taught you the art by which we flesh sons from dream stuff? How skillful you were in these days, surpassing all the others! Go now, and flesh such a son, and I will show it to the hooded ones, and you will be as we.”

• Groomer! And if Wolfe is trying to evoke ancient Greece with this story, it’s well-founded that older Athenian men would often indulge their passion for youth. This would explain the use of the carnal word “flesh” to describe the creative process. Sex magic is a common occult practice and is certainly non-sacred. The passing of seasons represents the cyclical nature of trauma and abuse.
• Wolfe uses very unsettling language: “And the old man who had taught him thought of the beauty of the trees that had for so many years delighted his eyes like the white limbs of women.”

“Winter came stalking into the land from his frozen capital, where the sun rolls along the edge of the world like a trumpery gilded ball and the fires that flow between the stars and Urth kindle the sky. His touch turned the waves to steel, and the city of the magicians welcomed him, hanging banners of ice from its balconies and heaping its roofs with glaces of snow.”

• Perhaps a reference to Saturnalia but does not follow the ancient Greece theme. Saturnalia occurred near the winter solstice because the sun enters Capricorn, the astrological house of Saturn, at that time. Capricorn fits in with the Pan imagery as it too is a goat-like being.
• Saturn represents the cyclical course of time and season (Greek equivalent Chronos). Saturn would regularly devour his own children; this fits into the aforementioned cycle of trauma.
• Saturn is often represented with a sickle: a symbol of mankind’s partial control over the natural world.

“In spring, the most beautiful maidens of the city, the daughters of the magicians, were clothed in green; and while the soft winds of spring teased their golden hair, they walked unshod through the portal of the city, and down the narrow path that led to the quay, and boarded the black-sailed ship that waited them. And because of their golden hair, and their gowns of green faille, and because it seemed to the magicians that they were reaped like grain, they were called Corn Maidens.”

• Here the sickle imagery is introduced directly. The Corn Maidens are human sacrifices, but are compared to grain and corn; sent into the “unpastured sea.”

“Looking from his window saw the maidens filing by, he set aside all his books and began to draw such figures as no man had ever seen, and to write in many languages, as his master had taught him aforetime.”

• Is this not what Wolfe does in his writing? He constantly appropriates ancient words from forgotten languages to do his “magic.”

“ At first it seemed to him that all the skill his master had taught him of old had deserted him, for from the first light to the moonlight he was alone in his chambers save for the moth that fluttered sometimes to show the insignia of Death at his undaunted candle flame.

• More meta stuff: writer's block
• A moth showing the insignia of death is an interesting comparison. This moth could be interpreted as the final stage of metamorphosis before death. It could also refer to the Bombyx Mori, the silk moth. Mori in this sense means mulberry, but mori can also mean death (as in memento mori). The silkworm has a similar symbology to the scythe in that it represents man’s control of nature. This is the domesticated version of the silkworm that relies completely on humans for its survival and is genetically modified to promote silk production. This reflects the city’s practice of human farming and sacrifice.

“Then there crept into his dreams another; and he, knowing who that other was, welcomed him, though the dreams were fleeting and soon forgotten.”

• The Irony here is that although he works tirelessly practicing his magic, he only summons the being when he is not working, asleep and unconscious. He welcomes this being into his mind. “He heard the step, always in another room” He’s unable to pinpoint this being’s being; he can only pinpoint its secondary effects. As he continues his magic, the aftereffects become increasingly pronounced until finally the illusory becomes real. Milton describes hell as “darkness visible.” I think Wolfe is going for a similar effect here.

“Then the student dared turn himself where he sat, and he saw standing before him a youth haughty of port, wide of shoulder, and mighty of thew. Command was in his firm mouth, knowing wit in his bright eyes, and courage in all his face. Upon his brow sat that crown that is invisible to every eye, but can be seen even by the blind; the crown beyond price that draws brave men to a paladin, and makes weak men brave.

• The student’s creation terrifies him, but he doesn’t want to show his fear.
• “Haughty of port” meaning prideful with an air of superiority. Going back to Milton: “round he (Satan) throws his baleful eyes, that witnessed huge affliction and dismay, mixed with obdurate pride and steadfast hate.” Classic Luciferian pride.
• Contrary to popular depictions of Satan, he is one of God’s highest creations: “Whoever he is, the “Devil” is among the very first and best creatures of God. He is, so to speak, perfect enough, wise enough, powerful enough, one can almost say divine enough, to know God and not to surrender to him - to know him and yet opt against him, to desire freedom from him. But since this freedom is impossible in the love and light which always lead to God and to a free surrender to him, it must of necessity be fulfilled in negation, hatred, and rebellion.” (Alexander Schmemann). Satan is God’s highest creation but he is the most base, he is wise yet chooses irrationality, in Wolfe’s description he wears the invisible crown that all see. Satan is an ironic, paradoxical, and tragic figure.
• Milton also describes Satan as a commander

“Often I have seen, like a green serpent called by the notes of a pipe, a column of green slip down the cliff below our city to the quay.”

• Again Wolfe uses Miltonian imagery: “Thus they Breathing united force with fixed thought moved on in silence to soft pipes that charmed Their painful steps O’er the burnt soil.” Both descriptions suggest a snake charmer playing his pipes.
• This connects Satan and Pan: pan pipes as well as ostensible concern for his nymphs

“At this the young man’s eye flashed, and he demanded: ‘Who is this ogre, and what form has he, and where does he dwell?’”

• The ogre is the beast and the minotaur that lives in the west. The West is another symbol of death and the unconscious.

“His name no man knows, for no man can approach near enough…His harbor is an isle to the west, where a channel with many a twist and bend, dividing and redividing, reaches far inland. It is on the isle, so my lore teaches me, that the Corn Maidens are made to dwell; and there he rides at anchor in the midst of them, turning his eye ever to left and right to watch them in their despair.”

• Does no man know its name because no one has discovered it or because it doesn’t exist? Or are both the same?
• Eye of Sauron reference. Masonic all-seeing eye which masons say represents the omnipresence and omniscience of God, but, in reality, represents an all-powerful control system that constrains mankind. When Severian first goes against his guild he says of his fellow torturers: “ I saw them as powerful, the active principle of an inimical and nearly perfect machine.” Severian first realizes that Nessus is a vast control mechanism; the torturers are a gear in the infernal machine.
  
• The beast lies in the labyrinth. The twisting and bending channels describe a labyrinthine structure without directly calling it a labyrinth. When Domnina first observes Father Inire’s mirrors: “She ran to the curtains hoping to find another door behind them, but as soon as she pulled one aside, one of the eight walls painted with labyrinths opened and Father Inire stepped out. Behind him she saw what she called a bottomless hole filled with light.” Wolfe is trying to show that the beast, the control mechanism, is tied to these mirrors.
  
• The young man fleshed from dreams relates to the fish fleshed from reflected light in Father Inire’s mirrors. They are both paradoxical creations; how can one create reality from the virtual (dream stuff and mere reflections)? The fish is clearly a reference to Christ and the ichthys; Domnina even references Pascha. But this Christ is a virtual Christ, an antichrist. In Revelation, the Antichrist is depicted as the ape of Christ, but ultimately the Antichrist is a mere illusionist: “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie” (Thessalonians 2:11).
  

“For I am Noctua, the daughter of Night, and the daughter too of him whom you have come to slay…For though he did not know why, being of the stuff of dreams he was drawn to her; and she, who eyes held starlight, to him…At this the princess took pity on him, for all who have the stuff of dreams about them seem fair in some degree at least to the daughters of the night, and he fairest of all.

• Noctua means owl from Latin nox meaning night (and she is quite literally from her mother Nox). Nox is an important aspect of Thelema or the occult practices of Aleister Crowley. Nox is the formula of the night of pan, the “crossing of the abyss” and the union with “our lady of abominations” Babalon (from Revelations the whore of Babylon). In Nox, the adept experiences unification with the All through ecstatic destruction of the ego-self, dissolving duality into one or, in other words, nonsense. Ego death is a core element of mind control (MK Ultra and Project Monarch** remember the silkworm symbol).
• It’s clear from this passage and later passages that many others have been sent on this mission in the past. However, Noctua feels a particular affection for this commander.

“At length Night came, and they saw her striding from islet to islet with her bats about her shoulders and her dire wolves dogging her steps. No more than an easy carronade shot from their anchorage she seemed, yet they all observed that she passed not before Hesperus or even Sirius; but they before her. For a moment only she turned her face toward them, and none could be certain what her look conveyed. But all of them wondered if indeed the ogre had taken her without her will as her daughter had said; and if so, if she had not lost the resentment she might be imagined to have felt.”

• Hesperus represents Venus the morning star in Latin Lucifer or light bringer. As Russell puts it, the evening star is the morning star; it represents the drama of a hero striving for the highest seat of heaven but being cast out of heaven (matches the movement of Venus in the sky). Another connection to Sirius.
• Another suggestion that perhaps this quest is not as it seems.

“In ancient times, so it is said, a tattered child, the daughter of a fisherman, found on the sand a stoppered flask, and by breaking the seal and drawing forth the cork became queen from ice to ice. Just so it seemed, an elemental being, strong with the strength of the forging of creation, debouched from the tall smokestacks of their ship, tumbling over himself in dark joy and growing with a rush, as the wind comes.”

• This could be a Pandora’s box reference, critically Pandora. Another dualistic notion, that what saves the day also causes doom. Or perhaps Odysseus’ bag of winds; the aid turns into the curse. Fits into the overall narrative of the story that Severian is both a torturer and a hero. He is “severed” and “severs” into two. Dorcas: “All of you are torturers, one way or another.”

“Then he strode to the rail and looked down; but with such an expression that no one, not even the most brave, dared to look at him. When he lifted his eyes at last, his face was set and grim and with no word to any man he took himself to his cabin and barred the door.”

• Obviously despondent. Either about the evil he released into the world or that his great battle was with a phantasm or that the whole quest was a lie.

“But on the morning of the third day, the young man fleshed from dreams came out of his cabin and began to walk up and down the deck as he was wont to do”

• Allusion to the resurrection of Jesus on the third day. His cabin serves as his “tomb.”

“At this he looked up into the very vault of the firmament. And some thought he prayed, and some that he sought to restrain the anger he felt against them, and some only that he hoped to gain inspiration there. But so long did he stare that they waxed afraid, even as they had when he had peered into the water, and one or two began to creep away. Then he said to them: “Behold! Do you not see the sea birds? From every corner of the sky they stream. Follow them.”

• He’s come back from the dead but is filled with anger.

“None of them ever forgot that night”

• Nothing like an orgy after a long day of work.

“Certain of the Corn Maidens wed those princes who, having spent years so long enchanted that they are loath to leave that life (and have in that time learned much of gramary), build palaces on lily pads and are seldom seen by men.”

• They go out to become demonic forces in the world. Lily pads are a call back to Chapter 2 of shadow: “When I think of my own death, or of the death of someone who has been kind to me, or even of the death of the sun, the image that comes to my mind is that of the nenuphar, with its glossy, pale leaves and azure flower.” The nenuphar exists above and below the water; they exist in two worlds just as their journey took them from the east to the west.

“And when he beheld their dark sails, smutted by the burning tar that had blinded their enemy, he believed them blackened in mourning for the young man, and he threw himself down, and so perished. For no man lives long when his dreams are dead.”

• Absurd ending to the story. You can't help but laugh at the ending. Jonas even suggests that the end of the story has been edited.
• IMO, he kills himself because the “hero’s” journey was never meant to be a success. The hooded ones need the ogre to have the utopia.

One of my few post that i share on reddit, but this problem is affecting our relationship in last couple of months quite a bit.
A bit of background....i was a professionall football player till 21 years old, had from 16 to 21 very bad mindset about things in life, ( parties, drugs, girls) searched only for short term fun without any goals in life or concentration on present moment and what needs to be done to sustain life i was living.
Im now 30 years old, moved to another country to start from scratch more or less...reading mindset and goal oriented books has helped me much about how to look on life. Im now working and playing football to have 2 seperate incomes which are okey to get by and save some.
My spouse, i love her very much. She is down to earth person, she is direct, helpfull, caring and many other things. She lack motivation to improve herself in any way.
When we started living together back in the days we talked about long term goal = that we do in our life what we will be happy to do, this we both meant:
-To work normal job that we at least a bit enjoy and is payed okey

• To have our bussiness that we will enjoy leading ( for me football trainer, for her nails, makeup)
  
• to invest in some way long, short term and hopefully be financial in better way so we can make living easier.
  
• to have as much as possible free time to raise kids in future and to enjoy free time off work ( our own schedule or at least together work free days to go somwhere to ease minds.
  

I do consider myself last couple of years to do "hard" things that will benefit us in a long term. Ofcourse could invest more time, but better some than none i guess.
My week is like this:
-work Monday-Friday
-football trainings 3x per week + weekend game

• 6 times per week gym
  
• free time pc games, movies with spouse, reading books, going for a walk, chilling listening to music.
  

My goal is to be in future football trainier at club or to be individual trainer for players who want to try to become pro.
2nd goal to be fitness coach for recreatives, in best way to open in future own studio and can help people become fit ( workouts, streching, massages)
Girlfriend :
Is currently at home for a year now, which we both agreed and we like it that she dont need to go to work at some company that she will hate. She dont yet speak language that is used where we currently alive... So work she would like to do would be hard to find and also we have stable income and for now enough money that she can be at home. She is not lazy.
The problem we have in last months is that she cant understand really when we talk about concept "do things that are hard now, that in future will be easier" or dont just go past the day with short term fun ( mobile games, food, tv, sex, buying things online, planing vacations).
From time to time i remind her about our goal and what for example she did towards this goal for us in last month. Trying to explain that mobile games every morning and searching things online to buy, are free time things that should be done moderate while other things that can help heus in future are not even focused on.
Problem that i see in her is that anything that is now enjoyable ( cleaning the house, going for a walk/run/fitness, read a book, water the garden, clean the dishes etc,) are things just to be done quick as possible and then return to enjoyable things.
The worst thing is when i try to be direct with her and try to explain that what she do most of the days brings no benefit to us, also im direct that i dont want that she over push herself, but once twice in a month she could do something for our goals, or at least ask me something about this, tips help, she could suggest something or just that we talk about some things that we can improve in any way.
When i come home from training or work is just lets watch movie, lets cuddle, lets play cards etc. ( fun things)
Last time i asked about why in last month or two didnt do any workout besides going for a walk to my training place ( 25min away), the answer i got is why i dont suggest to go hill hiking once or 2 per month???
So the problem is when i confront her sometimes if she is even willing to do for herself/us something beneficial long term is always comming to an end where im the bad person and insult her that she is nothing.
And thats far from my point, i try to explain that from nothing we get nothing, not that she is 0 and im hero.
We both are in normal situated life right now but like from our goal is to rise above working level and do things that only gets you by.
Couple days ago the argument finished with me saying: I dont see myself with person who only looks for fun and easy things and dont even understand the concept of what to do in present to be better someday( in a year or 20 years)
Answer was from her: i also dont like to be with person who says im 0 all the time.
Please share some answer or your point on view on this, i appreciate it.
TLDR: Spouse seems to not understand without thinking that i insult her, when trying to explain that some things we dont want to in the present do is neccessary for long term goals.

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Anyone down to chat? I mostly use instagram for chatting. I'm 40 I'm scottish I'm 6ft 1 Dark sense of humour I work from home so free to chat a lot and meet some interesting people. Mostly I'm just looking for like minded people who enjoy getting to know other people too. If this all sounds cool them drop me a message and we can go from there. I've always gotten on well with Australians and europeans. Ha. But honestly, anyone from anywhere would be cool. I play a few instruments. Enjoy talking about music. Politics. Whatever is on your mind I'm happy to chat about. Currently it's relatively sunny and warm in Scotland but I'm just sat here kinda bored looking for some company. Save me from working from home boredom. I'll send you a selfie too. Always nice to put a face to the words. Hopefully hear from someone soon

One of my few post that i share on reddit, but this problem is affecting our relationship in last couple of months quite a bit.
A bit of background....i was a professionall football player till 21 years old, had from 16 to 21 very bad mindset about things in life, ( parties, drugs, girls) searched only for short term fun without any goals in life or concentration on present moment and what needs to be done to sustain life i was living.
Im now 30 years old, moved to another country to start from scratch more or less...reading mindset and goal oriented books has helped me much about how to look on life. Im now working and playing football to have 2 seperate incomes which are okey to get by and save some.
My spouse, i love her very much. She is down to earth person, she is direct, helpfull, caring and many other things. She lack motivation to improve herself in any way.
When we started living together back in the days we talked about long term goal = that we do in our life what we will be happy to do, this we both meant:
-To work normal job that we at least a bit enjoy and is payed okey

• To have our bussiness that we will enjoy leading ( for me football trainer, for her nails, makeup)
  
• to invest in some way long, short term and hopefully be financial in better way so we can make living easier.
  
• to have as much as possible free time to raise kids in future and to enjoy free time off work ( our own schedule or at least together work free days to go somwhere to ease minds.
  

I do consider myself last couple of years to do "hard" things that will benefit us in a long term. Ofcourse could invest more time, but better some than none i guess.
My week is like this:
-work Monday-Friday
-football trainings 3x per week + weekend game

• 6 times per week gym
  
• free time pc games, movies with spouse, reading books, going for a walk, chilling listening to music.
  

My goal is to be in future football trainier at club or to be individual trainer for players who want to try to become pro.
2nd goal to be fitness coach for recreatives, in best way to open in future own studio and can help people become fit ( workouts, streching, massages)
Girlfriend :
Is currently at home for a year now, which we both agreed and we like it that she dont need to go to work at some company that she will hate. She dont yet speak language that is used where we currently alive... So work she would like to do would be hard to find and also we have stable income and for now enough money that she can be at home. She is not lazy.
The problem we have in last months is that she cant understand really when we talk about concept "do things that are hard now, that in future will be easier" or dont just go past the day with short term fun ( mobile games, food, tv, sex, buying things online, planing vacations).
From time to time i remind her about our goal and what for example she did towards this goal for us in last month. Trying to explain that mobile games every morning and searching things online to buy, are free time things that should be done moderate while other things that can help heus in future are not even focused on.
Problem that i see in her is that anything that is now enjoyable ( cleaning the house, going for a walk/run/fitness, read a book, water the garden, clean the dishes etc,) are things just to be done quick as possible and then return to enjoyable things.
The worst thing is when i try to be direct with her and try to explain that what she do most of the days brings no benefit to us, also im direct that i dont want that she over push herself, but once twice in a month she could do something for our goals, or at least ask me something about this, tips help, she could suggest something or just that we talk about some things that we can improve in any way.
When i come home from training or work is just lets watch movie, lets cuddle, lets play cards etc. ( fun things)
Last time i asked about why in last month or two didnt do any workout besides going for a walk to my training place ( 25min away), the answer i got is why i dont suggest to go hill hiking once or 2 per month???
So the problem is when i confront her sometimes if she is even willing to do for herself/us something beneficial long term is always comming to an end where im the bad person and insult her that she is nothing.
And thats far from my point, i try to explain that from nothing we get nothing, not that she is 0 and im hero.
We both are in normal situated life right now but like from our goal is to rise above working level and do things that only gets you by.
Couple days ago the argument finished with me saying: I dont see myself with person who only looks for fun and easy things and dont even understand the concept of what to do in present to be better someday( in a year or 20 years)
Answer was from her: i also dont like to be with person who says im 0 all the time.
Please share some answer or your point on view on this, i appreciate it.

Hello all!!
I am going into my senior year, meaning college auditions. Before, I was not all interested in pursuing a degree in flute performance— competition is very cut throat. But I have figured that I would like to be an orchestral librarian! And I hear that pathway requires musical knowledge at the bachelors degree, at minimum.
Talent wise, to be completely honest, I’m not that special. I have done all state and state solo and ensemble, but I have not done anything else though. My tone is pretty solid, but my technique is quite weak. Something to work on! So I definitely won’t be auditioning for Juilliard, lol.
My private teacher seems quite busy right now, otherwise I would ask her! But in the meantime, I was wondering…
1.) When do I really begin to prepare for audition season? Would it be now? Would it be when the school year begins? Would now be too late?
2.) What repertoire is typically expected? I know that the Mozart flute concertos, a French piece, and maybe a Bach are usually asked for, alongside a couple of orchestral excerpts. Is there anything else that’s usually prepared?
3.) How does the audition process work exactly? I know there is a pre-screening, and then they invite you for a live audition.
Any help appreciated, thanks!

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Chapter 15: For What You’ve Tamed
“We’ve come a long way, Vikri. Let’s finish your story,” Rayner said as he sat down in the same chair, crossing his legs in the same way.; small consistencies that made the task of talking about my past seem a little more routine. “I understand you lost someone important to you that day.”
I shifted slightly where I sat. “Yeah,” I answered coarsely. I grabbed at the poncho hanging over my shoulders. I remembered what it felt like in my dreams. Radiant warmth always seemed to emanate from it. Not necessarily the poncho itself, but Tenga’s memory. I realized that as long as I had those, then he was still here in a way. I’d much rather have him here than his memory though.
Rayner nodded. “I know what that’s like,” he said in a near whisper.
I shook my head. “It’s not just that I lost him. I…I failed,” I rasped. “I could’ve saved him. Maybe if I’d gone back I could’ve gotten the equipment before the fire did. I was too afraid.”
Rayner nodded slowly. “And now you feel responsible.”
I remained silent as I clutched my tail on the couch beside me. Rayner already knew the answer. He pursed his lips. “Yeah…I know exactly how that feels.”
I looked up at him. For the first time, his eyes weren’t on me, but on the adjacent wall as he seemed to ponder something. “You think about all the things you could have done differently. Things that are so obvious in hindsight,” he sighed and adjusted his glasses. “If only it were that clear in the moment.” He looked up at me, clasping his hands together. “So walk me through what happened.”
I could still vividly remember the moment Tenga got shot. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. So quickly in fact, that it even took Tenga a moment to realize there was a hole in his torso. Minutes of continuous tension shattered with a hail of gunfire lasting less than a second. The echoes continued to howl through the mountains long after the bodies met the snow. My friend was fatally wounded, the snow around him dyed bright red with his blood. And I had to leave him.
The entire time I was in the belly of the federation destroyer with danger lurking around every corner, all I wanted to do was to get this done as quickly as possible and get back to him. I was enraged that they’d done this to him and to billions just like him.
“Tenga was all I thought about the entire time,” I croaked. “And I…I was willing to kill everyone onboard to get back to him, even if there was no way I ever could. I… did things I could never have imagined myself doing even just days ago. I tore a chunk out of my leg just to be able to get to the Krakotl pinning me down with a crowbar.” I inhaled deeply, staring down at my reflection in the water, recalling my bloodshot eyes in the reflection of the ship's monitor. The grimly colorful bloodstains in my fur from several different species.
Rayner nodded. “It was a desperate situation. Many don’t see themselves doing things like that until they’re put in a situation where it's necessary. A situation where it's do or die. No one can fault you for that, especially not with all that depended on you.”
“I guess I just…It’s just worrying knowing that there’s a part of me capable of that.”
The doctor tapped his pen on his notepad as he seemed to think for a moment. “Do you worry that you may have violent outbursts?”
I scoffed. “Well, the events of a few days ago provided good grounds for worry.”
Rayner nodded. “Aggression is common for PTSD victims. It can be difficult to manage intense emotions when your mind is already dealing with so much.
I shook my head. “That’s not the person I want to be.”
Rayner nodded. “I know Vikri. That’s why it's so crucial for you to talk about this stuff. The less all of this weighs on you, the better you’ll be able to control those emotions when they arise.”
He finished writing on his notepad before taking off his glasses and leaning forward slightly. “So what happened to Tenga?”
The question made my heart sink. My mind went quiet. The second hand of time sounded like the footsteps of a giant marching toward…something. My body seemed to go cold and numb. “He died…” I croaked, staring down at the table. That was the first time I’d admitted that to myself verbally in such a direct way. “And I tried so hard,” I choked, tears now streaming down my face. “I did everything in my power to save him. I even put Querek’s life in danger.”
I felt the heat. I could feel cold water dripping from my paws as the burning ship melted the frost accumulating in my fur. I remembered the terrifying hopelessness that gripped me as I gripped Querek and pushed him into the snow. He tried to sacrifice himself for Tenga. What if I had let him? Would it have even worked? Could Tenga accept that?
I recalled the story to Rayner, battling to keep my composure. “I…I watched him die,” I choked. “And I was furious. Reese had to pull me off of him. I wanted to do…something, anything, but…he told them not to bring him back. I think he…” I winced at the thought of him considering this. “I think he’d rather have died sacrificing himself over…going rabid.”
Silence perforated the room for what felt like several long minutes. Rayner sat with his legs crossed, his hand propped up against his mouth. He seemed to become lost in thought for a moment before speaking. “I know how that guilt feels,” he admitted quietly.
I looked at him, somewhat surprised. “You do?”
Rayner nodded, rubbing his hands together. “My son,” he said plainly, taking a long pause before he continued. “He and Jesse were very close as kids. Practically brothers.” He tapped on his clipboard with his pen. “I was…not so available in those days. I was a very different man than I am now. I was still in school. I was always busy, always stressed. I hadn't even considered becoming a therapist. I was deadset on becoming a neurosurgeon.” He scoffed at himself, his head gently shaking back and forth as his gaze grew distant. His delivery lacked that matter-of-fact candor I was so used to by now. He was much quieter; less animated. His eye contact was sporadic and he never stopped fidgeting with his pen. Everything about him seemed suddenly mired in an emotion that was difficult to read. That was when I saw everything we'd done over the past few days for what it really was. Rayner wasn't invincible. He never claimed to be. He was hurt; I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a person reaching down into the mud and yanking me out by the nape of the neck. He was man covered in mud himself. He wasn't an untouchable hero. Merely a guide.
He continued as that realization struck me. “I loved him as much as a father could. But I was so busy that…well I wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been. That put a big strain on our relationship.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses a few times before he continued. “One night we got into an argument. He’d just gotten his license. He had an old beat-up car I'd bought him for his birthday,” he chuffed. “A teen’s first car is always…eccentric. Thought it was a great deal at the time.” He sighed and nodded slightly before continuing. “He left the house enraged, speeding down the road. After a few miles, he lost control, swerved off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The airbag never deployed. The car crumpled like a soda can.”
I stared at him, speechless as he concluded in a near-whisper. “He was declared dead at the scene.”
The room felt hollow for a few long seconds. I searched for a reply but couldn't fathom the right words to say. Fortunately, Rayner didn't stay silent for long. “Like you, I blamed myself for a long…long time.” He sighed. “And it nearly destroyed me.”
I stared at the floor, fidgeting with my tail. “How did you…overcome that?”
“Well it didn't happen overnight,” he replied, flashing a brief smile. “It takes time but, at some point, you have to carry on living. You have to continue loving.” His eyes creased slightly as he looked down at his own hands. “You have to keep loving,” he repeated in a low whisper.
Loud silence claimed the room again as his words sank in. He was right. It was either accept what happened or live like this forever. Looking at it that pragmatically, the choice seemed easy. Emotions are never so logical though. It wasn’t as if he relieved himself of that burden either, it was obvious he still carried it. It just…didn’t weigh as much now. Not because it got lighter, but because he got stronger. I eased into speaking again. “I…I'm sorry. About your son.”
Rayner nodded. “I'm sorry about your friend.”
We both stewed in silence for a minute before Rayner spoke up. “We’ll send you home today.”
“You…really think I’m ready?”
Rayner nodded slowly. “I think so. The medication seems to be working, you haven’t had any breakdowns since you’ve been here. You’ve gotten much better at discussing these things. I think you’re equipped to face this now.”
“...I’m afraid,” I croaked.
“Of what?” Rayner asked, leaning forward
“Of…seeing Lucky again. I'm doubting whether I even should. I was never prepared to be her master. I’m just a danger to her.”
“Vikri,” Rayner exhaled and leaned forward. “You made a mistake. We all do. But you have a responsibility to her. You should at least see her and face that mistake, or you’ll never have closure. What you decide after that is your choice, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.”
“I hope so,” I sighed.
Rayner clicked his pen and set his notepad aside. “We’ve made you some medication to take home, same stuff you've been taking. The plan is to keep lowering the dosage until you’re sleeping without it. We’ve made you some sheets with all the daily doses on them and when to take each one. It’s enough to last you two weeks, then once they’re out, you’ll come back here for another session, then if you need it, we’ll get you more and keep weaning you off them.”
He leaned forward, emphasizing his next words. “And I cannot recommend enough that you go to Jesse’s support group in between our meetings. Those will help you tremendously, I’m sure of it.”
I nodded. “I have his number. I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”
“You won't regret it,” Rayner assured me. “Jesse was in the same chair as you not too long ago for similar reasons. He has knowledge from first-hand experience. I can vouch for him, he’s a great guy.” He inhaled. “Well, is there anything else Vikri? We won’t be seeing each other again for a while, so if there’s anything else, now’s the time to talk about it.”
I thought for a second. We’d covered almost everything. I’d never discussed those days in so much detail. It felt like being submerged in icy water. It was miserable at first, but over time it became easier, even comfortable. I’d relived so much pain over the last three days, but here at the end of the whole story, It felt less like a nightmare, and more like reality. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally replied.
“Then I’ll clear you to go home. Andrea is here, she’ll give you a ride, I’m sure. Here.” He reached over and handed me a small business card. “That has all my contact information on it. I’m usually here in my office until late at night, so feel free to call if you need anything. If the sedative gives you any issues at all, any side effects, make sure to call and let me know. We followed the recipe to a tee, but it’s wise to be cautious.”
A familiar silence flooded the room as Rayner and I seemed to, for the first time, have nothing left to say. Finally, the doctor spoke. “See you in two weeks, Vikri.”
///////////////////////////////
Golden strands of light danced between the digits of my paw as I moved it in front of the brilliant summer sun. An intense beacon of warmth floating in a sky as blue as Earth’s oceans. The rumble of Andy’s car occupied the air as we cruised down the highway. Vivri was sound asleep in the backseat. The gentle white noise and vibration seemed to knock her out cold. I watched the sunrays dance as I waved my paw in front of me, before turning it around. Several spots on my paw still had obvious scars. I even still had burn scars from the electrical systems aboard the crumbling Cardinal.
I curled my paw closed into a fist and rested my head against it, watching the lush, green mountains pass by in the distance. After three days I was set loose into the world once again, hopefully better armed than I was before. Even after all the weight I doffed from my shoulders in Rayner’s office, a crushing mass still rested on my chest. Lucky.
The weight only became heavier as the car slowed, and rounded a corner into the parking lot of a large animal hospital. Andy gently brought the car to a stop in a parking space in front of the entrance. Occasionally people would walk in and out with their pets, many of which were dogs on leashes.
Vivri stirred awake after we stopped. “Oh…We’re here,” she muttered nervously. “There’s…a lot more animals here than I was expecting.”
Andy chuckled. “It’s an animal hospital girl, there’s gonna be all kinds of critters here.”
I turned around to face her. “You don’t have to go in there. You and Andy can wait here.”
Andy scoffed. “You might wanna tell Rayner they screwed up those meds, ‘cause you’re delusional if you think I’m letting you go in there by yourself.”
“Well I don’t want her to be alone out here,” I argued.
“I’ll go in, just…stay close, please?” Vivri interjected.
I looked back at her, ears tilted. She was dead serious. I sighed and shook my head. “This is gonna be a disaster,” I groaned.
Andy opened her door. “I’ll wait with her in the lobby, you go talk to the vets. It’ll be fine.”
I looked back at Vivri one last time as Andy stepped out. “Alright, just stay away from the cats.” I opened my door and began stepping out into the summer air.
“C-cats?”
“Small felines. They're demons with mind control,” I replied just before closing the door.
Vivri scrambled out of the car and followed right on my heels. “Well don’t just leave me!” she squeaked.
I laughed. “I’m kidding. Well, mostly.”
Walking into the building, I realized that Lucky had been in a very similar place as me over the past three days. The lobby felt eerily similar to the one at the medical center. Everything went silent as Vivri and I walked in. Immediately I could feel dozens of eyes on us. Vivri hid close behind me as Andy gestured for me to follow her to the desk.
I doubted any of the humans there meant any harm, but dozens of binocular eyes snapping onto her in an instant had Vivri more unsettled than she already was. It didn’t help that several dogs were either on leashes or in carriers in the lobby, which were no doubt just as curious. I grabbed Viv’s paw. “They don't see many Venlil,” I whispered. “Just ignore them.”
I approached the desk with Vivri still hiding behind me. “E-excuse me?” I stuttered. The woman at the desk looked up, clearly caught off guard by two venlil standing before her. “O-oh! Excuse me, you must be Lucky’s owner, right?”
“Yeah. Vikri.” I could feel Vivri shivering behind me.
“I’ll let Doctor Gavin know you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before turning to Vivri. “Are you sure about this?” I whispered.
“Of course! It’s just for a few minutes, right?” Her body language gave an entirely different answer. She seemed like she might faint at any moment.
I looked up at Andy. “Keep her close, would you?”
Andy wrapped her arms over Viv’s shoulders. “Of course. I’ll keep little Vivi safe from all the big, bad puppy dogs and mean kitties,” she said in baby speak, twisting her side to side. She giggled. “We’ll be fine.” Her tone suddenly shifted as she locked eyes with me. “Will you?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. This entire time my heart felt unbearably heavy. Standing there, I felt nauseous. So much so that I made it a point to know exactly where the bathroom was when I walked in. The weight on my chest made breathing a laborious task. I heaved in a deep breath. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in there but…I have to do this. For both of us.”
Andy exhaled and nodded, seemingly just as nervous for me. Right on cue, the door at the back of the room opened with a heavy click. “Vikri?” a male voice called out. An older gentleman in burgundy scrubs surveyed the room. It didn’t take long for him to find me. He nodded toward me as he adjusted his glasses. “Right this way, please.”
“We’ll be right here,” Andy whispered, her hands still resting around Viv’s shoulders, who agreed with a tail flick.
I nodded and walked toward the man, leaving the cozy waiting room behind, and entering a long, sterile hallway. The doctor’s shoes clicked against the tile as he walked just in front of me. The weight bearing down on my chest only got heavier with each step. After a few agonizing seconds, the man finally spoke up as he stopped outside a door. “I’m Doctor Gavin,” he said breathily, extending a hand. “I performed Lucky’s surgery.”
I took his hand with my paw, which he could no doubt tell was trembling by this point. “Vikri,” I choked. “S-so…How is she?”
“She’s good,” Gavin answered in a higher pitch. “She’s recovering remarkably fast. Really lived up to her name.” He opened the door and stepped through into a kennel area as he continued. “The bullet hit one of her ribs and shattered. A couple of fragments pierced her lung, one of them was just inches from her heart. There’re still a few very small ones lodged in her tissue, but we’d be doing more harm than good by trying to remove them. They shouldn’t cause any issues and come out on their own after some time, but we’ll keep track of them with x-rays.”
As he spoke we passed by kennels, some empty, some with dogs that barked or jumped up on the cage as we passed. I scoured each one for Lucky, my dread building with each one we passed. Suddenly, the doctor stopped in front of me. He inhaled deeply. “I should mention…Given the…circumstances of how she got these injuries, me and some staff will stay with you just in case she becomes aggressive. That’s not to say that I think she will,” he added hastily, “she’s been great with everyone here but…you know, just to be safe.”
“I get it,” I breathed. It made sense. If Lucky attacked me, it would be far more deadly than it would be for a human. And I was confident even a human wouldn’t last long against a half-wolf her size. Fittingly, a group of four humans were gathered at the end of the hallway, catchers in hand.
Time seemed to slow as I approached the pen. The staff members all looked over at me with the same anxious expression. I felt like a prisoner walking toward my judgment, and that perhaps it was me that belonged behind these cages. I swallowed and took a long, slow breath as Gavin opened the gate. He walked in ahead of me. “Hey there big girl,” he said in a chipper tone. I heard the familiar thumping of Lucky’s tail against the floor. Gavin chuckled to himself as the remaining four staff calmly and quietly filed into the pen. Once they were all inside, the final human leaned around the corner, looked me in the eyes for a long second, and nodded once.
A new reality awaited around that corner. My sentence was about to be read. It felt so cripplingly helpless; wanting so desperately to finally be reunited with my best friend, yet trembling at the thought of rounding a corner to run face-first into the consequences of my actions. I steeled myself one last time. I nodded back at the catcher and took slow, deliberate steps toward him. I finally rounded the corner, and for the first time since the incident, I saw Lucky.
She lay on a large, fabric bed, with food and water bowls close by. Her right front leg was bound in a cast, tied up close to her body. A large patch of fur had been shaved away around her chest and halfway up her neck. She seemed thinner than I remembered. It reminded me of the scared, hungry pup I’d met so long ago.
Her eyes tracked onto mine instantly, and I felt an ache that defied all imagination. The same gaze that would send almost any other Venlil scrambling down the hallway instead gripped some inner part of me in a cold, numb stasis. I couldn’t move. Part of me wanted to run to her and spill out how sorry I was. Another wanted to curl up on the floor right there and sob, returning to that familiar numbness that seemed akin to the ancient enemy of life itself. The cold. That bitterness that pierced through fur, through flesh, through bones, and any ideal held by the naive child that sat next to Tenga’s corpse that day. It ran through until there was nothing left.
Then, I felt a warmth as if someone had draped a blanket over me. I gripped my poncho around my shoulders, grabbing it tightly. I made a quiet promise to myself there and then. Not a promise to my sister, or my parents, or Andrea. Me. I wouldn’t lie down in the cold. Never again. One more hill.
“Hey Lucky,” I said, my voice coarse and breaking every syllable.
The silence was abruptly broken as Lucky, though seemingly frail, shot to her feet. Everyone in the room shifted, prepared for the worst. I didn’t dare move, but I could feel my heart pounding in my legs, my body preparing to bolt. The staff watched her carefully, their grip slightly tightened around their polls. Lucky made no sounds, only stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she gathered my scent. Her right front leg was useless, immobilized against her body. She shifted her footing to steady herself. Then I saw something that replaced fear with tears. She was shaking like a leaf, never taking her eyes off me. She could care less about the others. She was scared. Of me.
I felt myself fall off a ledge in a sensation I’d become all too familiar with over the last few weeks. Tears streamed down my face, my breath hitching as I brought my paws up to my face. I fell to my knees, the presence of the staff had become irrelevant. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I exhaled between gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
So there it was. My new reality. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it was what I expected. I didn’t know what I’d do then, and I didn’t know now. Could I go on without Lucky? She was the one fortress in the turbulent seas of my broken mind. She was the one I could always count on. The one that I knew would always be there, no matter what. Now I was convinced she was terrified of me.
I sat there a shattered mess for a long moment, tumbling off that cliff and reaching out for anything to catch myself, but found nothing but jagged stones. I felt a hand on my shoulder, Doctor Gavin attempting to comfort me, I assumed. Until I felt something touch my knee. I looked up, thrown out of the spiral abruptly. Lucky was now just in front of me, licking my leg. I froze, confused. She gently laid down, careful of her bandaged leg as she rested her head on my leg, looking up at me. That was the same leg she’d broken months ago. Finally, I got it. “I hurt you, and you still loved me.”
A wave of relief rushed through me and I looked down at her, eyes glossy with tears. I bent down and rested my head against hers. I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. For the first time in days, I felt whole again.
Lucky still loved me.
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Hi there :) I thought I'd try this again as I've met some great people via this sub and had some really good chats in the past. Lately I've been dealing with a breakup situation and have no irl friends to chat to. I'd love to have some company during this time and someone to chat to about anything and everything; it does get lonely and depressing when you've been stuck in this situation for a while. I'm a very chill, introverted person and easy to talk to. In terms of my interests, I love making music and playing the guitar, reading, video games and being out in nature jogging. I have 2 cats and 3 rats that I love and am very much an animal person. Feel free to send me a message if any of this means anything to you, I'd really appreciate it 😊 thanks!

Obsessive spiraling thoughts about an ex friend
I will try to keep this as short and cohesive as possible but please forgive if it isn’t. I’m also not the best writer so please excuse rambling sentences, misplaces commas, etc. My wife (27) and I (25) had this friend for a while before we moved away, she was much younger than us(19 I believe at the time) and for a while I think we kind of looked at her as a young sister which is great because we’re both the youngest in our families so it was a nice dynamic. We mostly spent time at our house at the time and even took a 3 day trip to the Smokey mountains. It was a very short lived friendship but it felt very special, a kind of friendship I’ve never had before.
I can go on and on about this specific event but I will keep it pretty vague and to the point if you would like further details feel free to shoot me a DM. Basically I decided to take magic mushrooms one day when we were all chilling in the house. Obviously in hind sight this was a horrible idea, if you have never taken a psychedelic substance there are a few basic ground rules people should follow so they don’t end having a bad trip: don’t take it a whim (plan, plan, plan!) and don’t trip around people who have never tripped and don’t know what it’s like because they can say or do something minor that can throw you into a nasty head space and your trip can turn real bad real fast. Well that’s exactly what happened. She made a comment that was objectively kind of rude but she was just trying to be funny but that sent me spiraling and all of this trauma got unleashed that had been hiding in my mind for years. Memories of being sexually abused as a child, old insecurities and self worth issues I had thought I had gotten over, and the early death of my father. I have no idea why what she said triggered all of these things to come up but they did and my mental health took a hard dive. It’s been a little over two years since that trip and it still feels like it happened yesterday. After that day I just couldn’t see her the same way she became a trigger for me even though it wasn’t her fault I’m the one who stupidly decided to trip on a whim in front of someone who’s younger and didn’t know anything about the effects of psychedelics so I’m aware it’s completely on me.
I did finally talk to her about this (over text and not in person another ridiculous mistake) and at the end of the day it ended up with us deciding we just couldn’t be friends anymore. Meanwhile, my wife and her still remained close and would go to concerts together and then when we moved to another town she just stopped talking to my wife and they had a falling out (somewhat related to what happened with me and her but a few others thing too) so she’s no longer in either of our lives.
Again I left out alot of details just for the sake of the length, but I’m willing to fill in any gaps if it helps with feedback. Even though I have virtually no connection with her and we don’t really have any mutual friends she will pop on my social media sometimes and whenever I think I put it behind me it sets me right back where I was two years ago. To make things worse I recently started writing and preforming music as a cathartic way to express my feelings about everything and started playing gigs which helps but some of the venues I play I found out from another source that she frequents quite often which always sends me great anxiety when this is the one area that I feel like is helping me deal with this shit. I don’t know how to move on. I currently have no health insurance so I can’t get on meds or talk to a professional and I really wish I could just hate her honestly it would be so much easier to deal with anger than deal with hurt. I have so many mixed emotions towards the whole situation: anger and resentment for what happened to me, guilt and shame for how I handled the whole situation with her, and grieving a lost friend. There are days where I think about reaching out to her but I just can’t I know for a fact she feels really awful about the whole situation and I don’t want to bring her down with me.
Again I apologize for the messy writing I can’t sleep and it’s four in the morning and I just needed to express my feelings openly somehow. Any advice would help or just some overall feedback. Again I’m aware it’s my fault at the end of the day with the mushrooms that was very irresponsible of me so I just ask to not harp on that. Thank you ❤️

Hey everyone!
First of all, I sought approval from the moderators to post this announcement and they gave their consent, so thank you very much for allowing me to share this with you all!
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Nakahanap ako ng subscription members from FB and trying it here too. I have 1 slot available in my Family Subscription.
Enjoy ad-free videos & YT music for ₽100/mo. Watch all you can with no limits and extra cost!