How to bring up kissing with your boyfriend

i am a wayward partner.
i betrayed my partner this year in an online affair. i am no longer in contact with ap (since partner and i split).
i made my fatal choice because i was struggling with myself and met a man online while drunk and began an affair- he gave me attention and validation i hadn’t been receiving in a while, but i should have turned to my partner for it. every message i sent, shame erupted over me, yet the feelings of lust overwhelmed any rational actions. horrible. so selfish. i felt horrible about what i had done and ended all relationships. blocked ap, split with bp.
my bp and i have been now living separately for 3 months (D-Day) but regularly see each other and check in with one another, text every day. we are not currently in a relationship but continue affections for one another (typical relationship stuff) and go out on dates. we hug, kiss, say i love you. our situation is confusing but we arent currently seeing anyone else.
i love him so much, but every time i see him i feel horrible. guilty, shame, remorse. when he texts me, my heart feels so heavy.. i feel like i cannot look him in the eyes. seeing his numbness. seeing his old self shattered. he acts so different. he rarely laughs anymore, his tone has shifted. its my fault. i broke this man. my thoughts are scattered. i have nightmares about how badly i’ve hurt him. seeing him cry breaks me.
yet,kissing him just feels so right, hugging him brings me a sense of calm and comfort.
i cry every single day about what i have done. at night, it gets so much worse. all i can think about is how he feels. i absolutely hate myself for it. i hate myself so much for hurting the man i love the most. i love everything about him- there is not one thing i would change about him. he is so kind, gentle, intelligent, handsome, caring, and loving. and i messed everything up.
the first month, i struggled very hard with thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation. it was very difficult but i am glad to say i am past that point and focusing on myself- or at least trying to.
i still struggle very much with seeing my bp. he and i lived together for 3 years and i miss him very deeply. i cannot help but think about him, worry about him, and i feel i have an overwhelming responsibility to try and heal him for the damage i caused.
i was cheated on constantly in a past long-term relationship. i truly know how scarring and traumatizing it is to your self-esteem, self-worth, values, etc. which is why i do not truly understand why i would have ever done what i did.
this choice haunts me. feelings of shame cloud my head every single day. i hate myself for it. i feel i cannot talk about it with anyone, because i have tried to reach out and was shamed, and people said i was victimizing myself. i am not trying to.. i just want to be able to speak about how i feel.
i am stuck in a hole of guilt and i feel i cannot escape.
we are still working on reconciliation. he tells me he wants to be alone right now but wants to be together in the future- just feels like he cant forgive me. god i feel so much pain knowing i hurt him

TW// purging talk
i recently moved back in with old roommates, my bf and i lived here a couple years ago but we had to move back in recently for a transition period after college. im in recovery for bulimia/restrictive eating and gained abt !10! kg in the ~1.5 yrs we've been away, and im happy about where i'm at with my body and with food.
one of my roommates has been very open about her ED since i've known her, its fluctuated throughout the years, but she is now very tiny since i last saw her. last time i was here, it was anorexia. i was suspecting she is now purging, i noticed she rushes to the restroom right after meals and has marks all over her knuckles and has puffy cheeks. but this morning. i woke up to coughing and groans coming from the downstairs restroom. loud coughs, hacking, gagging, for over two hours. and very dramatic, long, loud groans in between retches. it stopped right when her boyfriend woke up and went to go in and see her, which is why i suspect it was drawn out so long. she is known to beg him over the phone to call out of work so he can go home and take care of her, even when there are other ppl in the house who can do the same thing. i talked to my bf about it, and he says he's heard it nearly every morning since we've been here. i guess i've just slept through it and he hasnt mentioned anything bc he's worried about it being a potential trigger.
i understand eating disorders are competitive by nature but, it's very hard not to see her as a mean person separate from that. everyone in the house has tried to give her a chance, but she's burned every bridge every time. she calls people she doesnt like "fat" as an insult, comments on how everyone else fills their clothes compared to her, compares wrist/thigh sizes, and will just make fun of people who are in vulnerable positions. i have confirmed that another roommate has developed bulimia after seeing how thin she's gotten, and she only encouraged it by coaching them on what bodychecking is and furthering their self image issues.
it was so fucking upsetting to listen to this morning. i cant help but feel sad and also really angry about it. my purging sessions used to last 15-30 mins, and i would run the shower, play music, use toilet paper, and try to mask the noise to accommodate not only her, but any potential person in the house that might be triggered. nobody to my knowledge ever knew i had an ED. i never discussed it with anyone. even when she used to talk about her eating disorder when we last lived here, i never chimed in and chose to stay private about it. for reference, she is 21 and i am 23, and i was her age when i was in the depth of my ED. there is no reason you need to be yakking with the bathroom door open, for 2 hours, letting the whole house hear it, just waiting for your bf to come in?
knowing that she does this nearly every morning is super upsetting to me, and i dont know how long i could do it. its already very triggering seeing how tiny she and other roommate has gotten. it doesnt seem to bother anyone else in the house, im guessing theyre all just used to it atp. i'm looking for employment so desperately, but having to worry about waking up to my roommate's 2-hour purging session just to get her boyfriend's attention is really bothering me. im worried that confronting her will just stroke her ego and there will be nothing productive that'll come from it. is it worth it to bring it up to her? idk if im justified in being upset by the situation, or if im being an inconsiderate asshole abt it.

I(24F) and my boyfriend (26M) just had our worst fight yet. We have been together for 6 years and our relationship is very healthy overall and I consider us being really happy together and communicating well with no large trust issues.
My boyfriend rarely gets drunk but today it was his friend’s birthday so he got home very drunk. I was already upset with him drinking so much and then he mentioned a girl who he kissed once 10 years ago( he didn’t say it like that) that was there and I got into a stupid jealousy argument when I saw he followed her and liked some of her posts. I didn’t really suspect something and it didn’t bother me too much honestly and I think just because I was already upset at him I was picking fights. I know I am at fault for starting accusing him and arguing when he clearly was drunk but what came next I did not expect. My boyfriend started getting so mad he became unrecognizable. He started saying to me the most hurtful things like: that I am always like that with my stupid trauma and insecurities ruining our relationship he was screaming over and over with trears “why are you like this” “why are you like this”. He just was screaming at me fck you fck this. He was acting unrecognizable where I never heard him talk to me and treat me this way ever. I was just sitting shocked when he kept going on and on slurring his words saying the most terrible things to me. When he saw me crying he said he doesn’t even care I can cry as much as I want to. I was checking something on my phone and he took the phone from my hands because he thought it was his phone and when he realized it was actually my phone he threw my phone on the floor. He was clearly really drunk and I did my best through the tears to help him lay down and sleep but I am just crying in bed still in shock of what just happened. He never showed any signs of violence or aggression before so I really don’t even know how to process it. He started crying after I layed him down and he was crying over and over how sorry he is and how much he loves me.
I want to make it clear that I am not gonna just leave him after 6 years because of an isolated case like this. But I want an advice of how can I move forward with this and how do I bring it up to him? I doubt he would even remember anything he said. I feel like even though I shouldn’t have started arguing with him liking this girl’s insta pictures he was way way overreacting to it. I love him very much and he makes me always so happy that’s why this is just shaking up my world. i just want to know how can we leave this behind us but also make sure this won’t happen again?
What is the best way to go about it without letting it ruin our relationship?
TLDR: boyfriend of 6 years was bordeline abusive when drunk which is really out of character for him. I love him very much and I want to know of how to move on from this situation but make sure this won’t happen again.

Life was perfectly normal and mundane until the day I inherited the Magic 8 Ball from a distant relative who had recently passed away. At first, it seemed like a quirky keepsake, a relic of childhood nostalgia. But as I held it in my hands one overcast evening, an unsettling feeling crept over me. There was something off about it, a strange, almost ominous vibe that seemed to emanate from its old, worn surface. I glanced at my wife, blissfully unaware, sitting across the room. Our love had always felt like a sanctuary, yet now, this seemingly innocuous toy had introduced an inexplicable sense of dread into our home. It just felt off, like something not meant to induce tension into the air but certainly did at the time. I never mentioned it to Anna since the evening was beautiful, and the mood was full of anticipation for the upcoming playoff game. We were looking forward to some good old hockey. As a joke, I asked the Magic 8 Ball if our home team was going to win the game, chuckling at the childish stupidity that brought back fond memories of my youth.
“Cannot say now,” the 8 Ball in my calloused hand read a few seconds later.
I wasn't surprised by the answer, knowing it was just a toy with a limited set of responses. Maybe I'd ask it again during the first intermission, I thought to myself. As the puck dropped, the game started with a few penalties and a goal against us just before the initial 20 minutes of the period ended. I had almost forgotten about the toy relic that had been passed down to me recently. As the first intermission progressed, I picked up the 8 Ball again and asked if our team would win against the opposing team.
“Certainly, it will be legendary,” I read after a short pause.
Initially, I thought it was an odd answer, but what did I know? It was probably made in the '60s when people were a bit more open-minded to quirky responses. I smiled at Anna and showed her the response. She found it funny, and her laugh, as always, became the highlight of the moment. Her laughter has always been the center point of my love and affection for her, making her the undeniable lead honcho in any group she’s a part of. During the 2nd and 3rd periods, we witnessed our home team not only tie the game but score an additional 4 goals in rapid succession against the opposing team. It was not only legendary as the 8 Ball predicted, but it also sent the stadium into a roaring frenzy. Later, it was said that the noise level matched that of an Airbus A-220.
"It seems the Magic 8 Ball helped me win my $20 bet on our home team," I said confidently to my wife. "Probably just by chance, but who knows? I could use it to predict Friday's lottery numbers."
She smiled and told me to give it a shot, but I knew it was futile. Just like trying not to wake Anna up while leaving for work, it always ended with her sensing the creaking floorboards. About a few days had passed before we ended up having a heated argument about the dreaded topic of having kids in the future, I of course never want the sobbing, snot wheezing kids that take up 150% of your future time and life that could be used for retirement time in Hawaii. But, of course, she had bipolar opposite views on the topic. She wanted kids, perhaps to sow our six-year marriage back together. I, on the other hand, was dead set against it, feeling as if she were trying to force feed me a hefty dose of the plague. At the time, I had just stormed out of the room to cool off and muttered something I still regret to this day.
“Damn it, when will Anna's obsession with having kids ever end?” I grumbled to myself in frustration.
Suddenly, the 8 ball I’d left in the den flashed with a bright white light, like a screen turning on. Just as quickly, the flash disappeared, replaced by a simple message on its black surface.
“Soon enough, Derrick,” the ball read, almost mockingly.
My focus shifted from Anna's relentless talk about kids to the unnerving fact that the 8 ball not only knew my name but also had an answer for such a ridiculous question. I hadn’t even touched the thing—don’t you need to shake it for it to work? At this point, I was tempted to toss that relic into the trash and be done with it, but being a bit stubborn, I decided to let the demonic thing be and left it to its own devices. A few days had passed, and Anna and I had made up after our brief argument on that chilly Tuesday afternoon when I got home from work. She promised to hold off on bringing it up again for a while and to let me consider our options going forward. Life has been running smoothly again, and our home hockey team won their semi-finals match today, heading to the finals. Anna and I are caught up in the excitement of tomorrow night's game and are pretty pleased with how this year has gone, especially with our 7th anniversary just around the corner!
Work has been dragging lately, and I find myself just wanting to fast-forward to the day I wake up next to Anna and kiss her passionately on our long-awaited 7th anniversary, which is now just a few days away. As for the 8 ball of unknown origin, it's still just sitting dormant in the den. To be honest, I'm quite surprised it hasn't detonated or flashbanged me again whenever I step in there to grab some work files on clients. But no, it just sits there menacingly, waiting to tell me something I don't want to hear.
Anna and I had planned a special outing for our 7th anniversary. We decided to visit our favorite local donut shop around noon. As we prepared to leave, I grabbed the old magic 8 ball, intending to throw it away on the way there. As we approached the intersection on 136th street, the light was red. With a playful smile, I asked the 8 ball one last question.
"Will the light turn green soon?" I asked, grinning at my overjoyed wife.
"Unfortunately, yes," the 8 ball replied.
I showed Anna the response, and she chuckled, thinking the toy wanted us to be stuck at the red light. When the light turned green, we started to cross the intersection. Suddenly, Anna gasped and clutched her chest. I managed to swerve to the side of the road just in time to avoid an oncoming car. I pulled over, my heart pounding, and turned to her in panic.
"Anna, what's wrong?" I asked, fear gripping me.
"I don't know," she whispered, her face pale and sweaty. "I just feel... so weak."
I rushed her to the hospital, where doctors ran a series of tests. After what felt like an eternity, they diagnosed her with a rare and severe illness. The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt the world spinning around me. For the next few weeks, Anna's condition worsened. I spent every moment by her side, watching helplessly as she battled the illness. The magic 8 ball sat untouched in the den, its last message haunting me.
"Unfortunately, yes," it had said.
Despite the grim prognosis, Anna showed that sickness can't stop her indominable human spirit. We took things one day at a time, finding solace in each other's company. Our 7th anniversary passed quietly in the hospital, but it was a day filled with love rather than despair. As the weeks turned into months, Anna's condition slowly worsened. The doctors were hoping it would get better eventually.
One day, I decided to confront the magic 8 ball. I picked it up and asked, "Will Anna get better?"
The answer floated to the surface: "Signs point to no."
I refused to showed Anna the response, it would only make things worse. We placed the 8 ball back on the shelf, as a relic of doomful honesty, but as a symbol of the future and the past. Our journey wasn't over yet, I have to spend as much time with her before she departs.

Adam and D-Sides Boyfriend, or DS for short, were deep into a game of Super Mario Bros Wonder on the Nintendo Switch."Yeah, this game is pretty good!" Adam agreed, just as the doorbell rang. He paused the game and got up. "Hang on, I gotta see who's at the door." Boyfriend nodded, and Adam walked to the front door. Opening it, he found Owen and Oskar standing there. "I often forget you know where I live," Adam remarked. Oskar darted inside, eager to escape Owen’s company. "Hi," Owen said, following more slowly. Owen took one couch, and Oskar took another, each eyeing the other warily.

Adam broke the silence. "So, where are your girlfriends tonight?" "Busy," they both replied in unison. "Well, okay then," Adam said. "I’m playing Mario Wonder with Boyfriend. Want to join?"
"You have a boyfriend?" Oskar asked incredulously. "No, his name is Boyfriend," Adam clarified. "You’re joking," Owen said, skeptical. "Nope. Hey BF, come out here!" Adam called. DS stepped out and waved. "Beep!" "Huh, you’re right," Oskar admitted.

Just then, someone knocked on the side door. "Hold on," Adam said, heading over. He opened it to find Isaiah and Eleanor. "Hi, Adam!" Eleanor greeted cheerfully. "Hi, guys!" Adam responded. Isaiah walked in, stopping when he saw Owen and Oskar. "Oh...who are you guys?" Isaiah asked. "I’m Oskar," Oskar replied. "I’m Owen," Owen added. Eleanor followed Adam, who closed the door behind them. "So, since there are more people here than usual, any ideas on what to do tonight?" Adam asked. "Beep Bo Bap!" DS beeped. "Boys' Night Out?" Adam suggested. "Boys' Night Out?" Owen repeated, confused. "It’s basically when just the guys go out for the night and have fun!" Adam explained.

"So, basically anything?" Oskar asked. "Yeah, as long as it’s legal," Adam said. "Are you okay with it, Eleanor?" Isaiah asked. Eleanor smiled and nodded. "Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be fine. Your sister is home, right, Adam?" "Yeah, but she was a bit snappy earlier. I wouldn’t bother her," Adam warned. "Where would we go, anyway?" Owen asked. "Beep bap!" DS suggested. "Yeah, we can go to Applebee's," Adam said. "I’m okay with that," Isaiah agreed. "Can we go to the casino afterward?" Owen asked. Everyone stared at him in confusion. "Dude, we’re all 12-14 except for BF," Adam said. "Oh right," Owen realized. "We can go to the arcade next," Isaiah suggested. "That works," Adam said. "What about after that?" Oskar asked. "We'll figure it out. Ready to go?" Adam asked. "Yeah, I’m ready," Isaiah said. Owen got up. "Let’s go." Adam, DS, and Oskar followed. "Bye, Eleanor! We'll be back in a bit!" Isaiah said. Eleanor waved as the boys left.
After a bit, they finally arrived at Applebee's. "Alright boys, welcome to Applebee's. You know what I love about this place? The culture. I usually have a burger, but sometimes I switch it up. First meal, you’re in Asia; next meal, you’re in Greece!" Adam said.

"Beep bap bo!" DS chimed in. "Exactly, I feel like I need a passport to eat here!" Adam laughed. "So what do you recommend?" Isaiah asked. "What do I recommend? Isaiah, this is Applebee's. I recommend all of it! Wait, you're from New York, right?" Adam asked. "Yeah. Why?" Isaiah asked. "Brooklyn or Queens?" Adam asked. "Manhattan," Isaiah said. "Did you not go to Applebee's before?" Adam asked. "No, not really," Isaiah said. "Well, that's fine. You’re gonna love it," Adam assured him.

After a bit, the waitress came over. Adam’s heart sank. It was Mary Lou Maloney, a familiar face to him but not to the others. "Hello, welcome to Applebee's. My name is Mary, and I'll be your server tonight," Mary Lou said.

"Beep!" DS said."Y-Yeah..." Adam stammered, clearly unsettled. Mary Lou focused on Adam. "How about we start with you, handsome?" she asked, getting close and rubbing his hair. "What would you like to drink?" "Uh, I would like a..." Adam began to say. "You want a lemonade, right?" Mary Lou suggested. "Y-Yeah, that works," Adam said, visibly uneasy. Oskar looked at Adam, puzzled by his behavior. "I’ll have water," Oskar said. "I’ll have a Pepsi," Isaiah added. "Beep bo bap!" DS said. "He said he’ll have a Coke," Adam translated. "I'll take a water too," Owen said.

Mary Lou smiled and walked away. Adam faced the ground, holding his head. "Adam, are you okay? You acted strange when the waitress came," Oskar observed. "No, no, I’m fine. Just a bit hungry, that’s all," Adam lied, unconvincingly. "Who was that? You acted like she was your mom. Oh my god, was that your mom?" Owen asked. "What? No, that's not my mom. Look at me," Adam said. "Beep bap bo, skidoo bap?" DS asked. "No, not my ex or girlfriend..." Adam said. "Then who is it?" Isaiah asked. "Well, she's... a friend of mine. Yeah, a friend. I forgot she worked here," Adam said.

Mary Lou returned with their drinks, still grinning. "I have your drinks, boys. Now, may I take your orders?" "Yeah, that would be nice," Isaiah said. Mary Lou turned towards Adam. "Hey!" she said. "...Yeah?" Adam replied. "You want a classic bacon burger, right? Well done, fries seasoned?" Mary Lou asked. Adam’s heart dropped. "Y-Yeah..." "I’ll have a chicken sandwich," Isaiah said. "How do you want that cooked?" Mary Lou asked. "Crispy," Isaiah replied. "I’m not hungry, thanks," Oskar said. "I’m not hungry either," Owen added. Owen and Oskar exchanged glances, both thinking, "What's your excuse?" "Beep bo bap do bop!" DS said. "Alright, I’ll be back in a bit!" Mary Lou said, leaving with a tune. "Not your girlfriend, eh?" DS teased. "Why are you speaking English now?" Isaiah asked.
Meanwhile, Eleanor knocked on Esther’s door, but there was no answer. "Hello?" Eleanor called, knocking again. "Go away, Adam, or I’ll stab you," Esther threatened from inside. "But... I’m not Adam," Eleanor said. Esther opened the door and looked up at Eleanor. "Who are you?" "My name is Eleanor. You’re Adam’s little sister, right?" Eleanor asked. Esther groaned and tried to close the door, but Eleanor held it open. "Hey, what are you—" Esther began to say, but Eleanor's grip was strong. The door cracked as Eleanor instinctively burst it open, then sprinted off. "What the fu—"

Back at Applebee's, Mary Lou brought the food over, still grinning. "Enjoy your food!" she said, passing it around before leaving. "Damn BF, those nachos look tasty," Adam said. BF nodded, taking a bite and giving a thumbs up. Owen and Oskar’s stomachs growled. "You sure you aren't hungry? It’s not too late to order something," Adam offered. "I'm fine," Oskar said. "Yeah, me too," Owen agreed.

After around 20 minutes of eating, the food was done. "Wow, that burger was delicious," Adam said. "Beep…." DS said. "Yeah, it was," Isaiah said. Mary Lou came back. "I hope you enjoyed your food, now who's paying?" Mary Lou asked. Everyone looked at each other. "Uh, can you give us a second?" Adam asked. She nodded and left.

"Alright, I'm fine with paying if I need to but are there any takers?" Adam asked.
"...This might work," Oskar said. He pulled out Swedish cash from his pocket. "...Oskar, that's Swedish currency. I don't think that's gonna work." Adam said. "Oh…" Oskar said. "Wait, Oskar, are you Swedish?" Isaiah asked. "Yeah, Eli too," Oskar said. "Huh, I mean I can kind of hear it in your voice," Adam said.

Mary Lou came back and leaned close behind Adam. "You know, if you can't pay, if you come in the back with me Handsome, I'll let you off free…." Mary Lou said. Adam turned red as everyone turned towards him, dazed, surprised, and confused. “Uh..Uh..” Adam begins to say, dazed and confused. “Think about it handsome. I'll be back in a bit..” Mary Lou said, kissing him on the cheek. She walked away, humming to herself. Everyone just stared at Adam. “Did…Did she just…?” Oskar began to say. “I think…?” Owen began to say. Isaiah just stared at the ground.
“Bro, I think the waitress just offered to let us go free if-” DS-Boyfriend began to say, but Adam cut him off. “Boyfriend for everyone's safety DON'T finish that sentence,” Adam said. “...Are…Are you going to say something about what just happened….?” Isaiah asked. “I would rather not…” Adam said. Everyone just stared at each other. “You know what? I'll pay. That way we can simply move on.” DS said. “Really?” Owen asked. “Dude, when a waitress offers to bang your best friend to get out of a restaurant without paying, that's when you know you gotta get the f**k out of dodge,” DS said. “Hey, nice reference,” Isaiah said. “Thanks,” replied. “How can you afford to pay?” Owen asked.

“My parents are CEOS of big companies, that's how,” DS-Boyfriend said.
“Hey Adam, can you get the waitress?” DS-Boyfriend asked. “...Why me?” Adam asked. DS-Boyfriend gave a sh*t-eating grin. “Oh you gotta be kidding me,” Adam said agitated. “Hey, don’t look at me, she’s the one into you,” DS said. Adam rolled his eyes and got up, but when he turned around, he bumped into Mary Lou, who was walking back to the table. “Oh hey! Taking my offer?” Mary Lou asked. Before anything could happen DS stepped in. “Actually he was going to get you so we can get the hell outta here,” DS said. Mary Lou looked down before nodding her head. “Alright, we can have some fun another time then.” Mary Lou suggested. Adam turned red again as DS got up from his seat and handed Adam the Money. “Here you go,” Adam said. Mary took it and smiled. “Alright, you can go! Have fun boys!” Mary Lou said with a creepy smile. The others got up from their chairs and quickly left through the door. But before Adam could Leave, Mary Lou grabbed his arm. “...This was nice. Can we do this again sometime?” She asked. Adam shrugged. “I guess so,” Adam said. Mary Lou smiled. She took off Adam’s hat and rubbed his hair. “... It's a date then, see you later…alligator.” Mary Lou said. “YO ADAM, WHAT’S THE HOLD-UP, COME ON!” DS yelled. Adam turned and left through the door.

Eleanor was sitting outside on the steps in the backyard, thinking to herself about what transpired. She didn’t know what came over herself, she didn’t even mean to get so aggressive. She was about to just get up and go take a walk down the road when she noticed a toy Rabbit sitting near the gate. It wasn’t there before. It was grey, and one of its eyelids was drooped down. It had a red vest and a blue bowtie and its eyes were purple. “Where did you come from?” Eleanor asked. The toy roared to life. “R-R-R-Ready to Rocket!” the toy belted. Eleanor gasped out of surprise and dropped the toy, causing it to stutter on one line. “Bon is here- Bon is here- Bon is here- Bon is here- Bon is-” But then the rabbit stopped, its eye slowly turning to look at something in front of it. “H-H-Hi Bon!” Eleanor looked up and saw him. A large 7 ft rabbit animatronic stood in front of the gate, but he looked…damaged. The rabbit had a white latex mask, with a cigar in his mouth and its eyes glowed a bit white as it stood there.He wore a red bowtie connected to a dickie. The torso had a large hole in it, and it was…slightly lined with blood. His vest was tattered and damaged. It had a bunch of holes in it. He had a name tag on his vest “HELLO! MY NAME IS BON.” But it was slightly ripped. His lower arms were exposed with an endoskeleton, but the fingers looked like claws. His lower legs were exposed with an endoskeleton as well. Bon wasn’t looking at her at first before his eyes slowly tilted towards her. The rabbit slowly moved its head, a creaking sound coming from it. The mouth opened, and at first, nothing came out, but then it spoke. “M-My. Name. Is. BON.” The rabbit went to walk towards Eleanor when Esther opened the side door. “Hey. Knew I’d find you out here.” Esther mentioned. Eleanor looked back, but Bon was gone. It was as if..it were an illusion. She looked down and the toy rabbit was gone as well. “Oh, hey,” Eleanor said, trying to sound as normal as she could, albeit possibly hallucinating. Esther sat next to her. “Listen, I don’t know what that was back there, but I’m not going to lie, it was kind of cool,” Esther admitted. Eleanor smiled. “My name is Eleanor, what’s yours?” Eleanor asked. “Esther,” Esther replied. It seemed like she would continue the sentence, but she left it hanging. Eleanor smiled before she asked something, following up on something she heard earlier. “...Hey, can I ask you something?” Eleanor asked. Esther nodded. “...Why do you hate your brother?” Eleanor asked. Esther frowned a bit. “It’s…not that hate him. I’ve been in other homes before this one and most of the time my brothers were…assholes.” Esther explained. “And…is Adam one?” Eleanor asked. Esther sighed. “No...Not really, he’s been nothing but nice but..I just don’t believe it. Like how could someone just be so nice? I haven’t even seen him snap in anger yet. I know it's bound to happen eventually but still.” Esther admitted. Eleanor shrugged. “Guess I understand,” Eleanor whispered. Esther got up. “Well, it was nice meeting you, I’m going to go back into my room ok?” Esther asked. Eleanor gave a thumbs-up as Esther left.

“Right so, where is the arcade?” Oskar asked. DS looked at his phone. “Uh, somewhere around…Here!” DS shouted, pointing at a building. The Building was red, with white glowing neon lights. The arcade was called “THE NEON ARCADE!” “Dude this place looks awesome,” Adam stated. “Where did you find this place?” Owen asked. “I came here with my girlfriend once, gots a sick amount of arcade machines,” DS stated. “Well what are we waiting for, Let's go have some fun!” Isaiah shouted.

The gentlemen walked into the arcade, it was literally what you expected, mostly just an arcade, but there was a play zone, food court, and…a bowling rink! Yeah, that should be about it. “Dude this looks straight out of the 80s!” Oskar shouted. “How would you know? It’s not like you were FROM the 80s!” Adam replied jokingly. Oskar just stared at him, his face serious. “...Calm down! It was a joke!” Adam said, putting his hands up. Oskar made a sigh of relief. “Good, I thought I’d need to kill ya,” Oskar said, joking back. Owen stared at Oskar, his eyes wide with fear. Oskar looked at Owen, seeing the fear in his eyes. “...What?” Oskar asked. Owen didn’t respond, as if remembering…bad times. “Owen…Owen!” Adam shouted. Owen snapped out of his trance. “Oh, sorry...Just thinking of something.” Owen admitted. “Your girlfriend?” DS chuckled. "Something like that," Owen muttered, wanting to change the subject. Adam glanced at him, concerned but deciding to let it go."Alright, let's split up and see who can get the highest score on any game!" Adam suggested, trying to lighten the mood. "Winner gets bragging rights for the rest of the night." DS chuckled. “Bet I can get the highest score,” DS spoke cockily. “You sure about that?” Owen asked. DS looked up at Owen Smugly. “Wanna bet?” DS asked. “No, I just don’t wanna see you lose it.” Owen replied. “BET.” DS stated.

The boys went to different games as the hunt was On. Adam saw this cool game called “Death by AI”, while Oskar played a game called “Ring Out”, while DS and Isaiah played Air Hockey. Owen on the other hand, didn’t exactly know what he should play. Sure, there was Miss Pacman, but he didn’t feel like playing that without Abby. That’s when he noticed a game just..sitting there in the corner. It was an arcade game from King of the Jungle Cafe. But that closed a long time ago. How did it make its way here? The game was called “ZOO ESCAPE”. It was about King Louie and his animal friends being sent to a zoo and they needed to escape. Owen looked around. No one was watching him. Why not give the old game a go? Owen walked over and placed a token in. The game rocketed to life, the familiar jingle playing out. It put a smile on his face. And so, he began to play. Despite how old the game was, it was still fun to play. He was playing for a while when he sensed someone was watching him. He at first thought it was Adam, but he realized it wasn’t. It felt off. He paused the game and saw someone leaning against the arcade machine. It was a boy. He was wearing a black teeshirt with white stripes. It had the earth on it. He had a purple and blue bracelet on one of his arms. He wore tan pants with white shoes. His brown hair went slightly over his eyes. From his face, Owen could tell he had braces and freckles. “Enjoying the game, huh?” The boy asked. Owen nodded. “Yeah, it's fun, I used to play this all the time,” Owen admitted. The boy chuckled. “I used to love playing this thing.” The boy agreed. “..I’m Owen, what's your name?” Owen asked. “Ronny, nice to meet you. ..Though, I swear we met before.” Ronny pondered. “What do you mean?” Owen asked, tilting his head. Ronny shrugged. “Nevermind, it's nothing,” Ronny said. Owen wa about to respond when he heard Adam shouting from the other end of the room. “OWEN, WE’RE ABOUT TO HEAD OUT, YOU READY TO GO?” Adam cried. “Yeah, Coming!” Owen shouted back. Owen looked back, but Ronny was gone. He looked around, but couldn’t see any trace of him.

Adam and the others gathered near the entrance, their faces glowing with excitement from the night's activities. "So, who got the highest score?" Isaiah asked, smirking as he pointed at the air hockey table, where he had just narrowly defeated DS. “AI had nothing on me,” Adam replied. Oskar chuckled, shaking his head. "Ring Out was a blast. I reached level 15, but I think you might've beaten me, Adam." "Did anyone check the scores for Owen?" Isaiah asked, looking around.
Owen shrugged, a small smile on his face. "I was just playing an old favorite, 'Zoo Escape'. Didn't check my score." "Old games for old souls," DS joked, giving Owen a friendly nudge. Owen glared at him but shook it off. "Alright, boys, let's tally up and declare a winner."

The group walked to the main score screen near the entrance. After some friendly banter and a quick check, Adam emerged as the victor with his impressive score on "Death by AI". "Bragging rights secured," Adam announced, striking a triumphant pose. "Now, what's next on the agenda?" DS pulled out his phone to check the time. "It's getting late. Maybe we should start heading back." Adam yawned. “Yeah, I agree, come on gentlemen,” Adam commanded.

The group began their walk back to Adam's house. The air was cool and refreshing, a welcome change from the bustling, neon-lit arcade.
"So, what was up with that waitress at Applebee's?" Isaiah asked, breaking the silence. "She seemed...intense." Adam stopped walking and rubbed the back of his neck, clearly still embarrassed. "Yeah, Mary Lou's...interesting. I guess she likes to mess with me." "Mess with you? Dude, she was all over you," Oskar pointed out, raising an eyebrow. "You sure there's nothing more to that story?" Adam sighed. “Look, I don’t really know, I guess she’s just…like that. I have no idea what’s going on in her head. I guess she just has a unique way of interacting with people she likes.” Adam suggested. Owen looked around. “My house is nearby here, I’m gonna head out,” Owen said. “Right, see ya man.” DS waved. Owen waved goodbye as he separated from the group. “Actually, looking around now, I think my place is around here too. I’ll see you guys later ok?” Oskar said. “Alright, see you later man,” Isaiah replied. Oskar walked away, now it was just DS, Isaiah, and Adam here. “You know what? This was fun.” DS Remarked. “Yeah, it was,” Adam responded, a bit tired. “Just a question, why did you start speaking English out of nowhere?” Isaiah asked. “...Eh, I just felt like it.”

It took them a bit, but the trio got back to Adam’s house. “Welp, that was fun boys but I’m gonna head home, see yall later!” DS shouted. Adam waved goodbye as DS walked away. “Don’t know about you, but I’m tired,” Adam said. “Same, goodnight Adam!” Isaiah replied. Adam waved as they walked into the house, Adam walked into his room, as Isaiah walked downstairs.

Isaiah got back into the apartment downstairs and closed the door behind him. He breathed a sigh of relief. Unsure why he did that. “Isaiah.” A voice called “S**t!” Isaiah yelled out of fear. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The voice responded. Isaiah focused his eyes and noticed two eyes staring at him from the darkness, but he recognized the voice. “It's ok Mom,” Isaiah replied. “Where did you go?” Naiomi asked. “I went with Adam and some of his friends on a boy's night out. Where’s Eleanor?” Isaiah asked. “In her room waiting for you,” Naiomi responded. “Thanks,” Isaiah replied. He was about to walk into the room when his mother stopped him. “...That Adam…is he any good?” Naiomi asked. “What do you mean?” Isaiah asked. “Is he treating you right?” Naiomi asked. “Yeah, if anything he’s like a brother,” Isaiah stated. Naiomi stared before nodding. “Alright, good. Goodnight Isaiah.” Naiomi said, with a deadpan voice. “Good Night Mom,” Isaiah responded. He entered the room as Naiomi looked at the door upstairs. But she decided against going up there, she’d need an invitation after all.

Life was perfectly normal and mundane until the day I inherited the Magic 8 Ball from a distant relative who had recently passed away. At first, it seemed like a quirky keepsake, a relic of childhood nostalgia. But as I held it in my hands one overcast evening, an unsettling feeling crept over me. There was something off about it, a strange, almost ominous vibe that seemed to emanate from its old, worn surface. I glanced at my wife, blissfully unaware, sitting across the room. Our love had always felt like a sanctuary, yet now, this seemingly innocuous toy had introduced an inexplicable sense of dread into our home. It just felt off, like something not meant to induce tension into the air but certainly did at the time. I never mentioned it to Anna since the evening was beautiful, and the mood was full of anticipation for the upcoming playoff game. We were looking forward to some good old hockey. As a joke, I asked the Magic 8 Ball if our home team was going to win the game, chuckling at the childish stupidity that brought back fond memories of my youth.
“Cannot say now,” the 8 Ball in my calloused hand read a few seconds later.
I wasn't surprised by the answer, knowing it was just a toy with a limited set of responses. Maybe I'd ask it again during the first intermission, I thought to myself. As the puck dropped, the game started with a few penalties and a goal against us just before the initial 20 minutes of the period ended. I had almost forgotten about the toy relic that had been passed down to me recently. As the first intermission progressed, I picked up the 8 Ball again and asked if our team would win against the opposing team.
“Certainly, it will be legendary,” I read after a short pause.
Initially, I thought it was an odd answer, but what did I know? It was probably made in the '60s when people were a bit more open-minded to quirky responses. I smiled at Anna and showed her the response. She found it funny, and her laugh, as always, became the highlight of the moment. Her laughter has always been the center point of my love and affection for her, making her the undeniable lead honcho in any group she’s a part of. During the 2nd and 3rd periods, we witnessed our home team not only tie the game but score an additional 4 goals in rapid succession against the opposing team. It was not only legendary as the 8 Ball predicted, but it also sent the stadium into a roaring frenzy. Later, it was said that the noise level matched that of an Airbus A-220.
"It seems the Magic 8 Ball helped me win my $20 bet on our home team," I said confidently to my wife. "Probably just by chance, but who knows? I could use it to predict Friday's lottery numbers."
She smiled and told me to give it a shot, but I knew it was futile. Just like trying not to wake Anna up while leaving for work, it always ended with her sensing the creaking floorboards. About a few days had passed before we ended up having a heated argument about the dreaded topic of having kids in the future, I of course never want the sobbing, snot wheezing kids that take up 150% of your future time and life that could be used for retirement time in Hawaii. But, of course, she had bipolar opposite views on the topic. She wanted kids, perhaps to sow our six-year marriage back together. I, on the other hand, was dead set against it, feeling as if she were trying to force feed me a hefty dose of the plague. At the time, I had just stormed out of the room to cool off and muttered something I still regret to this day.
“Damn it, when will Anna's obsession with having kids ever end?” I grumbled to myself in frustration.
Suddenly, the 8 ball I’d left in the den flashed with a bright white light, like a screen turning on. Just as quickly, the flash disappeared, replaced by a simple message on its black surface.
“Soon enough, Derrick,” the ball read, almost mockingly.
My focus shifted from Anna's relentless talk about kids to the unnerving fact that the 8 ball not only knew my name but also had an answer for such a ridiculous question. I hadn’t even touched the thing—don’t you need to shake it for it to work? At this point, I was tempted to toss that relic into the trash and be done with it, but being a bit stubborn, I decided to let the demonic thing be and left it to its own devices. A few days had passed, and Anna and I had made up after our brief argument on that chilly Tuesday afternoon when I got home from work. She promised to hold off on bringing it up again for a while and to let me consider our options going forward. Life has been running smoothly again, and our home hockey team won their semi-finals match today, heading to the finals. Anna and I are caught up in the excitement of tomorrow night's game and are pretty pleased with how this year has gone, especially with our 7th anniversary just around the corner!
Work has been dragging lately, and I find myself just wanting to fast-forward to the day I wake up next to Anna and kiss her passionately on our long-awaited 7th anniversary, which is now just a few days away. As for the 8 ball of unknown origin, it's still just sitting dormant in the den. To be honest, I'm quite surprised it hasn't detonated or flashbanged me again whenever I step in there to grab some work files on clients. But no, it just sits there menacingly, waiting to tell me something I don't want to hear.
Anna and I had planned a special outing for our 7th anniversary. We decided to visit our favorite local donut shop around noon. As we prepared to leave, I grabbed the old magic 8 ball, intending to throw it away on the way there.
As we approached the intersection on 136th street, the light was red. With a playful smile, I asked the 8 ball one last question.
"Will the light turn green soon?" I asked, grinning at my overjoyed wife.
"Unfortunately, yes," the 8 ball replied.
I showed Anna the response, and she chuckled, thinking the toy wanted us to be stuck at the red light. When the light turned green, we started to cross the intersection. Suddenly, Anna gasped and clutched her chest. I managed to swerve to the side of the road just in time to avoid an oncoming car. I pulled over, my heart pounding, and turned to her in panic.
"Anna, what's wrong?" I asked, fear gripping me.
"I don't know," she whispered, her face pale and sweaty. "I just feel... so weak."
I rushed her to the hospital, where doctors ran a series of tests. After what felt like an eternity, they diagnosed her with a rare and severe illness. The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt the world spinning around me. For the next few weeks, Anna's condition worsened. I spent every moment by her side, watching helplessly as she battled the illness. The magic 8 ball sat untouched in the den, its last message haunting me.
"Unfortunately, yes," it had said.
Despite the grim prognosis, Anna showed remarkable strength. We took things one day at a time, finding solace in each other's company. Our 7th anniversary passed quietly in the hospital, but it was a day filled with love and hope rather than despair. As the weeks turned into months, Anna's condition slowly stabilized. The doctors were cautiously optimistic, and we began to see a glimmer of hope. The scare made us appreciate every moment together, cherishing the small victories and holding onto hope.
One day, I decided to confront the magic 8 ball. I picked it up and asked, "Will Anna get better?"
The answer floated to the surface: "Signs point to yes."
I showed Anna the response, and she smiled weakly. "Maybe it's not so cursed after all," she said. We placed the 8 ball back on the shelf, not as a relic of doom, but as a symbol of hope and resilience. Our journey wasn't over, but we faced it together, stronger than ever.

this is going to be long. i don’t think i can capture the whole situation without some backstory. i’m doing my best to keep it brief.
let me start off by saying that my mom was a teen mom and i (23) am the oldest of her children. my biological father is not in the picture and he hasn’t been since i was very young. my mom always encouraged me to be comfortable in having no contact with him despite the fact that he was my father. if he treated me poorly, i shouldn’t have to put up with him. my mom married again, i got a younger sister out of that, and she divorced that man and is now with a man that is the father of none of her children. he has three kids of his own that he has always blatantly valued more than us. he always considered us ‘bad’ kids. especially my brother as he was the only boy in the house. this is no secret. its something we’ve brought to my mom’s attention ever since they met. something she even used to acknowledge. they’ve been together several years, probably since i was around 8 years old.
i’m from the south and they’re very classic conservative. as a kid i had a real problem with their homophobia before i even realized that i was queer. we used to get into horrible screaming matches over the things they said because at the time, they didn’t know they were saying these things about me. i think that’s the reason so much of the nasty things they said stuck with me for so many years.
fast forward to 2019. i moved with my boyfriend (who i feel it’s important to the story to mention is trans, but had not yet begun the process of transitioning when we first met so he was not out to my mother) she saw us as lesbians. i think this upset her because before i met my current boyfriend, i had been with a cis man.
in 2020, i lived with my boyfriend as well as his parents. they are much more open minded than my family. when covid came around my mom was quick to deny it. and that was not surprising to me in the slightest, it didn’t even really phase me. i didn’t act any different toward her, i just remember feeling lucky not to live there at the time because i was considered high risk. i also lived in an area of mainly people over 60. i do not want this to turn into a covid debate, but i feel that it’s crucial to what happened.
in november of 2020, i felt comfortable enough to visit her. we talked on the phone about it for months leading up to the visit and she made it very clear that she and the rest of my family that lived in her house had no problem wearing a mask for the few months leading up to my visit. this was really important to me as my step dad is a cop. he interacts very closely with people every day.
so when we visited, my mom had planned for all of us (myself, my boyfriend, my mom, my step dad, my younger sister, her friend, my older step sister, her husband, her toddler, and her newborn) to cram into a van together and go look at drive through christmas lights. we wouldn’t all fit legally in the same car and the lights were kind of a drive away, so my boyfriend had driven my mom’s car and my mom had driven the van. we stopped at a gas station close to our destination in order to pile into the van.
that’s when my step father and step sister went into the gas station without wearing masks. i felt lied to and disrespected by my mom so i admit that i was upset and probably wasn’t using the kindest tone, but this is not something i would ever cut contact over. i didn’t even want to argue about it.
i expressed that i was no longer comfortable cramming into a car with all of them after i’d discovered they had not been taking my concerns seriously. my boyfriend and i were going to drive my mother’s car back home and the rest of the group would continue on to see the lights. my mom was pissed off, but it wasn’t like her normal pissed off. i assumed it was because this was the first conflict we’d had since i moved out. still, i was sure she’d get over it.
the real problem started when my younger sister also expressed that she didn’t want to go. but her reason was vastly different from mine. she didn’t know that she would be forced to sit next to my older step sister’s husband (we’ll call him brad).
brad is not a nice person. he has a history of having sexually explicit conversations with minors. my entire family is aware of this, and he was still allowed to live in my mom’s house for almost a year. my younger sister once woke up from a nap on the couch to him standing over her. when he realized she was awake he just walked away without saying anything. he was eventually kicked out of my mom’s house because he masturbated in her dining room while my younger sister was in the kitchen. my older step sister caught him on camera doing this. they are still married now.
my younger sister expressed that she didn’t feel comfortable sitting so close to brad in the car. it caused a massive fight in the parking lot of this gas station. it ended with my step father trying to physically drag her out of the car. he was not successful, but my mom was so pissed off by this point that she decided to cancel the plans entirely and drive her car home with all of us in it. she drove like a maniac the entire hour home.
when we got back to her house, i immediately ran to gather my belongings. i intended to take my sister to our grandma’s house. i believed that what my step father had done to her was not acceptable. as i stomped into the room i was staying in i yelled to my mom that she was acting like a crazy fucking bitch. seems inconsequential but trust me it’s important.
i was in the bedroom gathering up my things when i heard my little sister saying “get off of me! get away!” i panicked and ran into the living room. i assumed she had been yelling at my step father so i was surprised when he caught me at the door and shoved me against the wall. their living room has a half wall, so i couldn’t see my sister. i panicked and struggled against my step father. i broke away from him once but he pushed me back again. he held me there until my boyfriend came out and physically put himself between us.
when i got away from him, i ran to my sister. her neck was red like someone had been grabbing it. i asked her what HE did to her. i still assumed it had been my step father. my sister just looked at me like she didn’t know what to say.
my mom was still standing there, just staring at us. i grabbed her shoulders and yelled that she was going to have to wake up and realize what was happening if she wanted to ever have a real relationship with any of us. she said “take your hands off of me.” and i did. i took my sister’s bag and grabbed her hand and walked toward the front door. my mom blocked us. she said she would call the police on me for kidnapping if i took my sister. my sister stood there and begged me not to leave her. how could i?
my mom had my sister’s phone and refused to give it back to her. we ended up just leaving it. i took my sister and we went to stay the night with my grandma. in the car, my sister told me it had been my mom who she was yelling at. my mom choked her into the couch because my sister had insisted that she was leaving.
the next day my sister’s biological father (who she lived with at the time) picked her up from our grandma’s and i went back home early with my boyfriend.
despite the fact that she let us stay with her, my grandma was not on our side. she was of the opinion that we should’ve just done as we were told and none of this would’ve happened.
my sister’s dad took her back to my mom’s house and made her apologize. she got her stuff back after that.
now four years have passed since then. my mom and i slowly started to communicate again but it has only been at a surface level ever since. i knew we couldn’t talk about such an intense topic without being in person. and it would feel wrong to bring it up on a visit. i moved back to my hometown last summer with the hope that i could really work out the issues between myself and my mom. my younger sister moved in with me when i moved back as she had graduated the same year.
we hadn’t really talked about what happened. i felt so bad for her having to continue to live in the environment that i didn’t want to ever bring it up. but now that we live on our own, it came up naturally. we both realized that we needed to talk to our mom about our problems in order to ever have a real connection.
so we did. we invited her over and did our best to talk things over. i knew my mom was not the best at taking criticism but i genuinely didn’t expect what played out.
i tried to bring up the things they said to me as a kid. things that made me feel wrong in my identity and made me feel like it would be easier for everyone if i just disappeared. she denies ever saying anything negative about gay people ever. she says that she has never ever said anything worse about gay people than that she doesn’t agree with them. that was definitely not all. just before i moved out i expressed to my step dad that he’d traumatized me with all of his anti-gay rhetoric. constantly calling me a faggot. dumb shit like that. his response was “obviously not enough.”
then i brought up how badly she hurt me that day. how i felt she’d chosen her husband over her children again. i couldn’t understand why she would think that choking my sister was okay. or her husband pinning me against the wall was okay. and then she told me it was because i was ‘charging into the room’ to beat her up.
i have never in all my years ever laid a finger on my mother. i adapted to that household by being agreeable and doing what i was told. the only time i ever stepped out of line was when it came to human rights. i was young and naive and i thought that if i could just say the right words i could make them understand. so those were the battles i chose in my childhood. i NEVER once threatened or even thought of hurting my mom.
she claims that when i heard my sister calling for help, i charged into the living room screaming at my mom. she claims THAT is when i called her a crazy fucking bitch.
i was quick to reassure her that i never ever wanted to hurt her. that it wasn’t even a thought in my head. that i hadn’t even known that SHE was the one doing anything to my sister. that i hadn’t even made it two feet into the living room before my step dad threw me back.
she doesn’t believe me.
she just says that it’s not about what she believes, it’s about what she witnessed. that she witnessed me planning to hurt her.
i know that i am not that kind of person. and i am not comfortable being around someone who would accuse me of such violence.
i explained my side of the story again and again and her only response was “no, no, no.”
my sister expressed that she felt it was wrong mom had choked her. my mom said that it was my sister’s fault because she wouldn’t “stop running her mouth” and refused to “sit her monkey ass down”
she ran out of the house shortly after this. we didn’t get to finish talking about much. i went into the bathroom to finish my panic attack alone and she called me. she said on the phone that if we were to talk, i would have to stop accusing her of things. to me, it seemed that she was accusing me of trying to hurt her. even in the face of being told it simply wasn’t true. i couldn’t articulate that point very well in the moment, though.
on this phone call she also said “you’re not going to tell me i have problems. you think YOU don’t have problems?” and i told her that i know i have problems that im just able to acknowledge that without lashing out. i told her that i hope one day she sees what i mean but i just can’t keep putting myself through this. i told her i loved her and then i hung up.
my mom also texted me that night in 2020 when everything happened. she said she felt wronged because i had called her such a horrible name. and i apologized then and there for calling her a crazy fucking bitch. her response was that she didn’t feel she had anything to apologize for herself. she has never said anything about feeling threatened by me until we confronted her a few days ago.
how can i deal with this when my entire family (aside from my younger sister) has normalized abuse? how can i move on without feeling like everything i did was wrong? im very firm in my story, i even have journal entries from the day it happened. therapy sessions. texts to my boyfriend’s dad from 30 minutes after everything happened. my story has never once changed and has never once hinged on what i THOUGHT might happen.
not only am i firm in my story but i am firm in my opinion that their actions are unjustified. especially toward my little sister. i just can’t shake the doubt. i don’t know if it’s the small part of me that still holds onto everything they instilled in me or what. i was just hoping for some advice i suppose. thank you for reading all of this.

this is going to be long. i don’t think i can capture the whole situation without some backstory. i’m doing my best to keep it brief.
let me start off by saying that my mom was a teen mom and i (23) am the oldest of her children. my biological father is not in the picture and he hasn’t been since i was very young. my mom always encouraged me to be comfortable in having no contact with him despite the fact that he was my father. if he treated me poorly, i shouldn’t have to put up with him. my mom married again, i got a younger sister out of that, and she divorced that man and is now with a man that is the father of none of her children. he has three kids of his own that he has always blatantly valued more than us. he always considered us ‘bad’ kids. especially my brother as he was the only boy in the house. this is no secret. its something we’ve brought to my mom’s attention ever since they met. something she even used to acknowledge. they’ve been together several years, probably since i was around 8 years old.
i’m from the south and they’re very classic conservative. as a kid i had a real problem with their homophobia before i even realized that i was queer. we used to get into horrible screaming matches over the things they said because at the time, they didn’t know they were saying these things about me. i think that’s the reason so much of the nasty things they said stuck with me for so many years.
fast forward to 2019. i moved with my boyfriend (who i feel it’s important to the story to mention is trans, but had not yet begun the process of transitioning when we first met so he was not out to my mother) she saw us as lesbians. i think this upset her because before i met my current boyfriend, i had been with a cis man.
in 2020, i lived with my boyfriend as well as his parents. they are much more open minded than my family. when covid came around my mom was quick to deny it. and that was not surprising to me in the slightest, it didn’t even really phase me. i didn’t act any different toward her, i just remember feeling lucky not to live there at the time because i was considered high risk. i also lived in an area of mainly people over 60. i do not want this to turn into a covid debate, but i feel that it’s crucial to what happened.
in november of 2020, i felt comfortable enough to visit her. we talked on the phone about it for months leading up to the visit and she made it very clear that she and the rest of my family that lived in her house had no problem wearing a mask for the few months leading up to my visit. this was really important to me as my step dad is a cop. he interacts very closely with people every day.
so when we visited, my mom had planned for all of us (myself, my boyfriend, my mom, my step dad, my younger sister, her friend, my older step sister, her husband, her toddler, and her newborn) to cram into a van together and go look at drive through christmas lights. we wouldn’t all fit legally in the same car and the lights were kind of a drive away, so my boyfriend had driven my mom’s car and my mom had driven the van. we stopped at a gas station close to our destination in order to pile into the van.
that’s when my step father and step sister went into the gas station without wearing masks. i felt lied to and disrespected by my mom so i admit that i was upset and probably wasn’t using the kindest tone, but this is not something i would ever cut contact over. i didn’t even want to argue about it.
i expressed that i was no longer comfortable cramming into a car with all of them after i’d discovered they had not been taking my concerns seriously. my boyfriend and i were going to drive my mother’s car back home and the rest of the group would continue on to see the lights. my mom was pissed off, but it wasn’t like her normal pissed off. i assumed it was because this was the first conflict we’d had since i moved out. still, i was sure she’d get over it.
the real problem started when my younger sister also expressed that she didn’t want to go. but her reason was vastly different from mine. she didn’t know that she would be forced to sit next to my older step sister’s husband (we’ll call him brad).
brad is not a nice person. he has a history of having sexually explicit conversations with minors. my entire family is aware of this, and he was still allowed to live in my mom’s house for almost a year. my younger sister once woke up from a nap on the couch to him standing over her. when he realized she was awake he just walked away without saying anything. he was eventually kicked out of my mom’s house because he masturbated in her dining room while my younger sister was in the kitchen. my older step sister caught him on camera doing this. they are still married now.
my younger sister expressed that she didn’t feel comfortable sitting so close to brad in the car. it caused a massive fight in the parking lot of this gas station. it ended with my step father trying to physically drag her out of the car. he was not successful, but my mom was so pissed off by this point that she decided to cancel the plans entirely and drive her car home with all of us in it. she drove like a maniac the entire hour home.
when we got back to her house, i immediately ran to gather my belongings. i intended to take my sister to our grandma’s house. i believed that what my step father had done to her was not acceptable. as i stomped into the room i was staying in i yelled to my mom that she was acting like a crazy fucking bitch. seems inconsequential but trust me it’s important.
i was in the bedroom gathering up my things when i heard my little sister saying “get off of me! get away!” i panicked and ran into the living room. i assumed she had been yelling at my step father so i was surprised when he caught me at the door and shoved me against the wall. their living room has a half wall, so i couldn’t see my sister. i panicked and struggled against my step father. i broke away from him once but he pushed me back again. he held me there until my boyfriend came out and physically put himself between us.
when i got away from him, i ran to my sister. her neck was red like someone had been grabbing it. i asked her what HE did to her. i still assumed it had been my step father. my sister just looked at me like she didn’t know what to say.
my mom was still standing there, just staring at us. i grabbed her shoulders and yelled that she was going to have to wake up and realize what was happening if she wanted to ever have a real relationship with any of us. she said “take your hands off of me.” and i did. i took my sister’s bag and grabbed her hand and walked toward the front door. my mom blocked us. she said she would call the police on me for kidnapping if i took my sister. my sister stood there and begged me not to leave her. how could i?
my mom had my sister’s phone and refused to give it back to her. we ended up just leaving it. i took my sister and we went to stay the night with my grandma. in the car, my sister told me it had been my mom who she was yelling at. my mom choked her into the couch because my sister had insisted that she was leaving.
the next day my sister’s biological father (who she lived with at the time) picked her up from our grandma’s and i went back home early with my boyfriend.
despite the fact that she let us stay with her, my grandma was not on our side. she was of the opinion that we should’ve just done as we were told and none of this would’ve happened.
my sister’s dad took her back to my mom’s house and made her apologize. she got her stuff back after that.
now four years have passed since then. my mom and i slowly started to communicate again but it has only been at a surface level ever since. i knew we couldn’t talk about such an intense topic without being in person. and it would feel wrong to bring it up on a visit. i moved back to my hometown last summer with the hope that i could really work out the issues between myself and my mom. my younger sister moved in with me when i moved back as she had graduated the same year.
we hadn’t really talked about what happened. i felt so bad for her having to continue to live in the environment that i didn’t want to ever bring it up. but now that we live on our own, it came up naturally. we both realized that we needed to talk to our mom about our problems in order to ever have a real connection.
so we did. we invited her over and did our best to talk things over. i knew my mom was not the best at taking criticism but i genuinely didn’t expect what played out.
i tried to bring up the things they said to me as a kid. things that made me feel wrong in my identity and made me feel like it would be easier for everyone if i just disappeared. she denies ever saying anything negative about gay people ever. she says that she has never ever said anything worse about gay people than that she doesn’t agree with them. that was definitely not all. just before i moved out i expressed to my step dad that he’d traumatized me with all of his anti-gay rhetoric. constantly calling me a faggot. dumb shit like that. his response was “obviously not enough.”
then i brought up how badly she hurt me that day. how i felt she’d chosen her husband over her children again. i couldn’t understand why she would think that choking my sister was okay. or her husband pinning me against the wall was okay. and then she told me it was because i was ‘charging into the room’ to beat her up.
i have never in all my years ever laid a finger on my mother. i adapted to that household by being agreeable and doing what i was told. the only time i ever stepped out of line was when it came to human rights. i was young and naive and i thought that if i could just say the right words i could make them understand. so those were the battles i chose in my childhood. i NEVER once threatened or even thought of hurting my mom.
she claims that when i heard my sister calling for help, i charged into the living room screaming at my mom. she claims THAT is when i called her a crazy fucking bitch.
i was quick to reassure her that i never ever wanted to hurt her. that it wasn’t even a thought in my head. that i hadn’t even known that SHE was the one doing anything to my sister. that i hadn’t even made it two feet into the living room before my step dad threw me back.
she doesn’t believe me.
she just says that it’s not about what she believes, it’s about what she witnessed. that she witnessed me planning to hurt her.
i know that i am not that kind of person. and i am not comfortable being around someone who would accuse me of such violence.
i explained my side of the story again and again and her only response was “no, no, no.”
my sister expressed that she felt it was wrong mom had choked her. my mom said that it was my sister’s fault because she wouldn’t “stop running her mouth” and refused to “sit her monkey ass down”
she ran out of the house shortly after this. we didn’t get to finish talking about much. i went into the bathroom to finish my panic attack alone and she called me. she said on the phone that if we were to talk, i would have to stop accusing her of things. to me, it seemed that she was accusing me of trying to hurt her. even in the face of being told it simply wasn’t true. i couldn’t articulate that point very well in the moment, though.
on this phone call she also said “you’re not going to tell me i have problems. you think YOU don’t have problems?” and i told her that i know i have problems that im just able to acknowledge that without lashing out. i told her that i hope one day she sees what i mean but i just can’t keep putting myself through this. i told her i loved her and then i hung up.
my mom also texted me that night in 2020 when everything happened. she said she felt wronged because i had called her such a horrible name. and i apologized then and there for calling her a crazy fucking bitch. her response was that she didn’t feel she had anything to apologize for herself. she has never said anything about feeling threatened by me until we confronted her a few days ago.
how can i deal with this when my entire family (aside from my younger sister) has normalized abuse? how can i move on without feeling like everything i did was wrong? im very firm in my story, i even have journal entries from the day it happened. therapy sessions. texts to my boyfriend’s dad from 30 minutes after everything happened. my story has never once changed and has never once hinged on what i THOUGHT might happen.
not only am i firm in my story but i am firm in my opinion that their actions are unjustified. especially toward my little sister. i just can’t shake the doubt. i don’t know if it’s the small part of me that still holds onto everything they instilled in me or what. i was just hoping for some advice i suppose. thank you for reading all of this.

Now its not what it seems like! And sorry for the long post ahead.
Ive been talking/ working out with this girl for the past two months and i find her really hot, we quickly became friends after i approached her one day after workout i had no idea shes into girls, we connected pretty fast and one day after gym i asked her if i could kiss her and she let me, that led to me eating her out several times in the locker rooms obviously not receiving anything back but her kisses would make me soaked. Anyway obviously i was catching feelings so i started bring her presents and i would drop her favourite stuff at her doorstep and bring her breakfast in short i really cared for her. I also clarified that i just want to be her good friend and i know she wasnt looking for anything serious either because shes only here for another 2-3 months. When shes stressed i would give her massages so she could relax, listen to her rants, advise her. Offer her my help which she would never take but atleast i tried continuously.
We would text sometimes but not alot because shes bad at replying. Sometimes she would reply right away and the dissappear for a day and reply the next, she used to like my stories and i would always compliment her on her pictures. Bit then she stopped liking my stories, i would still though, at the gym we would talk normally sometimes she would hug me infront of others and rant about her job (which i know is causing her alot of stress but i had given her soo many suggestions on how her situation can be better but she wouldn’t do it) so i just listen like a good friend i think i / was. So she started replying less n less and i had been asking her to hangout since we met n she would say she wants to but never could make time or suggest a time when we can. I asked her so many times that i started to sound desperate. I still cared for her alot and when she doesnt come to the gym i seriously feel something is missing i dont enjoy those days too much. So because of her jobs nature our timings would change from next week n i am not going to see her at the same time i go. So i was naturally in my feels and was getting frustrated that she never is available to talk even at night? She says she was up all night so she never thinks about me like i think about her?
Anyway i messaged her because i was feeling so depressed and i was missing her n crying. I said ive had this feeling for a while that shes ignoring me, i do understand the nature of your job so i didnt say it earlier, i told her i care for her and have gotten “attached to her” i also said that i knoe she doesnt like when someone gets attached to her she becomes distant she said she never develops feelings for anyone even the girls she dated before. I know so much about her that i knew the answers to everything i was saying/ asking her. I think my message was very heartfelt and sweet or maybe sounded a bit needy but in my defence i told her im pmsing and super emo and im sorry for causing any stress and that i wouldn’t bother her by messaging her again. I had to let these feelings out because i always give others benefit of doubt and disregard my instincts just to keep them a bit longer. But i said all these things because i was at a point where this situationship was causing alot of stress in my day to day life.
So she saw the message a day later and no reply!! I think this is the closure that i needed.
What do you guys think, was i wrong? Or did i do the right thing sort of ending it sooner than later

For context we met when i was 19 (im 20f) now and he was 50. I knew i shouldn’t have ever spoken with him. I knew i shouldn’t have kissed him. But i did. I knew i should never have dated him but he made it like a game. He kept being flirty to an extent but the minute i felt i got somewhere he wld pull away. Then when we finally spent a night together i felt special. I was sure im not the first hes done this to but my niavete made me think i could be different. Our relationship was all over the place. It was the constant lies that broke me and how ridiculous they had become. How the fuck are you trying to lie that our cat “lost our wine” is that genuinely how stupidly you see me. I finally blocked him. I thought i would feel so much better. Finally getting away from this stressor. But i just felt empty. I felt alone. It lasted a month. I managed to finally go through it and by the end of that month i felt so much better. After being called bitter and crazy for being fairly upset i managed to get better. So of course he has to up the ante. He brings a “new” girlfriend in to my placeof work(tell me why they started dating “around” the time me and him broke up) I had a full spiral and was in hospital for an attempt. Of course he used it for his gain. Started saying stuff like “ i need to control your life because you obviously cant take care of yourself” Started referring to me as “bitch” for example waking me at 5am to say “bitch get me water.” he disappears (ignores all calls /texts) for days on end then says he was busy but the one day i said i was busy he has a go at me. He “jokes” about killing me for trying to block him. Explains how he would strangle me etc just because i said to him it’s not fair that he expects me to be emotional support 24/7 when he literally has a gf he shld be opening up to. Then lying about breaking up with her. You think i would learn. Ive had just about every trauma you could probably think possible yet this is the absolute hardest shir. My heart shatters on a daily basis. But today i learned i wasn’t the first one he’s done this to.I mean i always knew on the inside but hearing it out loud broke me. I just hate it because i can see the clear abuse but he made me feel. like hes the only person who can make me feel better. What do i do

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/hopefulaga1n
My ex-wife [36 F] still keeps trying to get back together with me [36 M] and our daughters [16 F] want that to happen too
Thanks to u/mjolnirstrike for suggesting this BoRU and u/Minute_Point_949 & u/stevvandy for finding the links
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation
Original Post May 7, 2016
Doesn't really sound like a big problem, right? Yeah, well, while I wish I could just plain tell her to piss off and never bother me again, there is the matter of us having two daughters and sharing custody, so I can't excise her from my life on a permanent basis.
Not without removing our daughters too.
We married fairly early in our lives, back when we were 20 and we had been dating for three years before that. Our daughters were born in the very first year of the marriage, and there were some complications which meant my ex-wife would have difficulty conceiving again. Didn't matter to me at the time, because I was just glad she made it healthy and fine through the whole ordeal and that we already had two beautiful baby girls to love and raise up.
The marriage lasted for 9 years. Ended when I divorced her for cheating. I have absolutely no tolerance for it and I don't believe in forcing myself to suffer needlessly for shit that wasn't my fault to begin with. While this might sound incredulous to some folks, any love I had for my ex-wife was pretty much killed when I found out about her cheating and the details behind it. So yeah, this isn't a thread about me moving on from her. I've done that 7 years ago. Hell, I don't even hate her, I just don't give a damn about what goes on in her life unless it concerns our daughters.
The problem is that it's only me that moved on from the whole thing. The ex-wife, her family, and even our daughters, have kept trying to get us back together even though I have made it plain for everyone that I have no interest of ever doing that. Me not dating at first for a few years after the divorce might have been giving them false hope, but I sure as fuck wasn't going to jump into another relationship so soon after. Not with our daughters to look after.
They were my number one priority, besides my own issues which stemmed from the ex's cheating. Those issues, by the by, got resolved with the help of friends, family and some counseling. So yeah, that's over and done with.
I have no issue in communicating with our girls. None whatsoever. Anything else? They can understand it just fine. There's never been any fighting, no yelling, no nonsensical teenage rebellion (thus far), no tantrums thrown and so on. Pretty great, right? Except this whole thing. They know about her cheating on me, and it was their mother in fact who told them about it, some three years ago or so. I imagine she's been feeding them some kind of bullshit since then and I've asked her countless times to stop with it, that it wasn't helping anyone, that it only prevented them from moving on.
But the ex-wife didn't stop, she apparently just got subtler about it.
In all the years since we divorced, she hasn't dated or slept with anyone else. While I suppose she thinks that admirable, I don't.
To be honest, I find it kind of insulting. When we were married, she fucked someone else, but now she's just fine going without sex for seven years?
Whatever. Not that it matters.
While I could ignore the occasional mentions of their mother, of how well she looks, of them showing me photos they took with her, obviously all dolled up for my sake, it's gotten worse lately. Why? Because I have a girlfriend. Clemence is not the first since the divorce, but she is the most serious relationship I had since my marriage ended. She also happens to be eight years my junior. Before getting together as a couple, we knew each other for four years through a shared hobby. So basically it was a gradual transition from being friends to being involved with each other. I can honestly say I love this woman. It was a surprise to me when I realized that, because while I didn't really want to admit it to myself, I was afraid for a time that what my ex-wife did to me damaged me on some fundamental level and rendered me incapable of ever truly loving someone else, like I once did her.
Initially, my daughters had very little to say about our relationship, much like they didn't comment anything on the previous two I had post-divorce.
But then they started coming home (ahead of the schedule we set up in advance) and they'd find me and Clemence together (nothing compromising, not sex or anything of the sort). Then came the grumbling. Then came the "Why is she here?" question. Then came "It's not fair to mom what you're doing," as if I was actually doing this solely to spite or hurt their mother. So I sat them down and talked. And I talked and I talked, but they're just not getting it.
They simply won't give up on this preposterous fantasy of theirs where I get back with their mother.
Clemence, thank God, has been understanding and isn't upset by their behavior. She's basically saying to give them time, but I kind of doubt that will work. It hasn't so far, so I have no idea why more time would change anything.
Anyway, since I'm really all out of ideas, I figured I might as well ask you folks here if any one of you might have an idea how to handle this.
Is there even a way, an approach of any sort, that could work on my daughters realizing I will not, under any circumstances, get back with their mother?
Edit: more information.
tl;dr Wife cheated, became ex-wife. Our daughters keep trying to talk me into getting back together and aren't listening to a word I say about it never happening. They started acting grouchy and resentful recently once they realized that my relationship with another woman has turned very serious. Do I play the waiting game and hope they mature past this kind of behavior or is there something I've overlooked, something I could do to make them understand that even without this person in my life, I will never get back with their mother?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
[deleted]

You need a chat with your daughters.
You say that whilst your mother and you are good friends, and have worked together to give your daughters a stable upbringing, there is no way in hell you are getting back together. You should say that if their mother thinks or says anything to the contrary, it's not going to happen. You say you like Clemence and if things go the way you want them to, your future will be with her, not with their mother

OOP

Already did that, dozens of times.
It just doesn't seem to be reaching them at all.
At one point, that was about a year back, they asked me why I don't want to get back together with their mother. When I brought up her cheating, and I admit that at the time I wasn't sure if I should have done that but I honestly couldn't think of anything else, it turned out their mother had already told them about it several years back! They keep using the same approach every time of how she's faithful to me now. When I pointed out to them that she can't be faithful to me given that we're not together to begin with, they just ignore that.
I have talked with my ex-wife about this on numerous occasions, possibly a hundred times by now, about not bringing our adult lives and messing up our daughters'. In one ear and out the other, as they say. At one point, I admit, I even contemplated going to court for sole custody, but I was advised it would not work out well for me, so I dropped that approach.

~
[deleted]

Do your daughters know the reason why you divorced? Do they know your ex cheated on you? I don't ever favor telling young kids that, but your daughters are nearly adults. It seems they are laboring under some delusion about why the divorce happened (likely fed to them by their mother without your rebuttal). Perhaps setting the record straight on that regard might help. You don't have to be disrespectful about her; you can be factual and still get the point across.

OOP

Yes and yes. I actually tried telling them about it a year ago, only to find out that their mother told them several years back, when they were just a few months shy of turning 13. They know their mother cheated on me.
Now, here's the thing that I think is messing with their minds: they never saw their mother as anything but loving towards me or them. Or at least they don't remember it if they did see her acting coldly and distant with me.
During her affair, and yes it was an affair, not just a one-time thing (not that I wouldn't have divorced her either way), she was very much the opposite of loving in bedroom. They never really saw that, nor should they have. My approaches for intimacy were often rebuffed and I felt more and more dejected until one day I realized, with the help of a very close and very good friend, that there was nothing wrong with me and therefore something had to be wrong with her, which is what led me to discovering the affair, because I started looking for reasons why our love life had suddenly dropped so much in quality and quantity.
And it wasn't just sex. There were the small things missing from our daily lives too. I know it sounds silly, but we always kissed at the front door, in plain sight, before either of us went to work. That's something, that only now in retrospect became plain to see, that was missing.
Bottom line is, their mother denied me even the most basic of affections while giving it to someone else outside of our marriage.
To me, that's unforgivable.
They don't understand that, they couldn't, not even if I told them (which I rather wouldn't), and how hurtful it can be when you realize that your spouse didn't really give a damn about you all that much.
So all this? All the regret and remorse and pining for us to get back together? To me, it's worthless. What's the point? Where was all this supposed love and guilt and remorse when it should have mattered?

Update Apr 1, 2017
It's been a while since I was first here and I was reminded recently that I owed an update to the kind and good people here who helped me with our troubles.
A lot of things has happened. Among those things, my daughters actually stumbled across my post. I had no idea they even browsed Reddit, let alone this place. When I came home one day from work I found them crying. They pretty much jumped me, hugged me, wouldn't let me go and begged me to forgive them. Sadly, they had read one of my replies and found out the dreadful extent of my ex-wife's affair and how much it had devastated me.
It took us a while, but we got through it, as a family. There was nothing for me to forgive, they're still young and they love their mother, who took that love and used it to manipulate them. That's on her, not them. There was some much needed counseling, but after several months, the woman who was helping us heal and move on has said that nothing more needed to be done, and they should only check in with her once in a while, rather than continue their weekly sessions.
We're closer than we were before, but their relationship with their mother has suffered for it. Which I think is completely understandable, but I still cautioned them about lingering too much on what she did, since I had gotten over what she did all those years ago. That was something also resolved in counseling (both their own and our shared ones), so it's all behind us now.
I had a brief confrontation with my ex-wife about it and made it clear that she was to not talk about this getting back together nonsense any more with our daughters. I can't tell if it really got through to her, but my daughters have not been pestered about me since then. Or they simply ignore their mother and don't bring it up at home. Either way, so long as my daughters are doing fine, I could care less about what my ex-wife is doing.
Since the situation had improved, things had also become much better between my daughters and my girlfriend, so much that they actually started talking with her (rather than just exchange terse greetings and goodbyes), even occasionally asking for tips on something (girly stuff, of course), and I can't tell you how much it warmed my heart to see it happening for the first time.
I'll admit that also helped me push my thoughts in the direction of proposing to my girlfriend, who had been incredibly supporting and understanding through all of this. We had known each other for a long time now, spent so much time as a couple, and after all this mess, I didn't really think there was anything more I could to to express my love for her. However, I was beaten to the punch.
Two months ago, Clemence, together with my daughters, surprised me one day and proposed to me. I have to say that I felt very odd, but also very happy. Not just the proposal, but that my daughters had actually worked with my girlfriend on surprising me that day with dinner and a night out. To put it simply, I was blown away. It was a small and private ceremony, with only our closest friends and family attending. Currently, we're also expecting, and my daughters are looking forward to having a baby brother or sister to spoil.
tl;dr: My daughters had found my previous post and saw in one of the replies how deeply I was hurt by their mother's cheating. Asked for forgiveness, there was no need for it. We worked through our issues together, both at home and in some counseling, and we healed from it and got much better. Even their relationship with my girlfriend had improved, so much that one day they helped her arrange a nice night for us, where she proposed to me. We're married and currently expecting, with my daughters eagerly looking forward to having a younger sibling to spoil rotten.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT The OOP is u/RAkindoflosthere
Planning to ghost him after finding out he’s cheating on me
Originally posted to Infidelity confessions rant self
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, property damage, emotional manipulation, mentions of sexual assault
Planning to ghost him after finding out he’s cheating on me March 4, 2022
Found out my boyfriend was cheating a few weeks ago. Been spiraling since. Literally only running off of vengeance and pure disgust.
I got this weird gut feeling and checked his phone while he was asleep. Those 20 minutes locked in the bathroom felt like years, and the shame keeps me from talking to anyone about it. I moved across the country to be with him, so I’m all alone. No friends or family here.
He woke me up the next morning with kisses and breakfast and has been doing so a lot, lately. Probably the guilt.
He even bought me flowers for the first time ever. After me hinting at wanting them for years.
He thought my quiet crying was out of happiness. He even brought up buying a house for us, something with enough space for potential future children.
I’m still going through the motions. Making his breakfast and protein shake everyday, packing his lunch, making sure dinner is almost ready when he comes home from the gym.
What makes me the angriest is that I really, genuinely thought he wouldn’t do something like this. He watched his father cheat on his mother and father children out of their marriage, all while she struggled with infertility her entire life (my partner isn’t her biological son) and never had her own. She dedicated her life to the two of them and passed away of ovarian cancer shortly before we met.
Sometimes I think about whether she regretted staying with her husband or not. We have a small shrine in her honor and something makes me look at and expect guidance. I love the man she raised and hate the one her husband did. But they’re both him, and he’s a grown ass man more than capable of self control, so I decided to walk away.
Next week my car will be picked up and shipped back home, and I got first class tickets for me and my dog on his dime. He’ll come back home from work and everything I brought will be gone, along with me.
The only thing I think I might regret is not somehow being able to see his reaction when he walks through the door and realizes what’s going, lol.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Future_Ad8467

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's the hardest thing to let go. As hopeless as it can feel sometimes, it does get better. Take your time in the beginning, but I think it's therapeutic to confront him, eventually. Ghosting doesn't provide closure for you. In my experience, confronting the problem, head on, gave me a sense of closure. I try to take everything that happens as a life lesson. Good luck with everything

OOP

I personally don’t believe in closure. I got all that I needed when I realized he was untrustworthy

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Odd_One_9972

Do you have access to his phone/computer? Install a keylogger, then you can not only see what he's saying to you, but to the other APs as well. I put a keylogger on my ex's phone/computer when I caught him cheating. He was such a dumbass, and seeing the shit he was saying, the lies he was spewing, made me grateful I dropped his ass.

OOP

I do, but I don’t think it would make a difference for me. His entire “relationships” with the APs was lies.

Everything from his name, age, college degree, occupation, city, height, and dick size. He even told one he was married and his wife was pregnant with twins. I almost had a heart attack thinking I was an AP too and he had a family out there somewhere.

~
Suspicious_Bear_6634

If he can go after you, you should probably leave a note or a sign that you're leaving him because of his cheating. Seeing that you up and left without a known reason (from his pov) might push him to follow you home. If he knows the reason and knows that he has no chance in hell in getting you back, it might delay a possible confrontation.

OOP

you’re right. I’ve been considering just leaving a sticky note with a list of all the different girls names and the apartment key beside it. Simple and effective

Suspicious_Bear_6634

Fuck, multiple girls?? Draw a little middle finger beside them while you're at it. And make sure there are little to no supplies (food, toiletries, cleaning stuff) left and leave the house dirty so that he can appreciate how much you did for the asshole.

OOP

7 of them to be precise. I’ll have to rush and get out within a certain time frame but I might just settle for shrimp in the curtain rods. He’s really sensitive to smells lol

I lied to my boyfriend everyday and saved the money he gave me March 4, 2022
Almost every day my boyfriend sends me money for lunch, gas, something. I thought he was just really kind. Turns out he was cheating and giving me $$ made him feel less guilty, as though he didn’t beg me to move across the country with him where I know no one.
Once I found out I wanted to immediately confront him but was scared of the outcome since the apartment was only in his name and again, I know no one here.
Now I just save every dime of what he sends to be able to pay for the $3000 moving fees to go back home without hurting my own pocket too much.
Breaking my heart, destroying my ability to trust & scaring me off from men I can handle, but messing with my finances? Nah. never.
The transport company is coming next wednesday to take my car, and my plane tickets for me and my dog have been bought. Gonna keep up my happy act and do the usual cooking of dinner and scrubbing his back and poof on Wednesday like I never knew him. Its the only form of revenge I could do that wouldnt haunt me. Good riddance!

Edit: A few asked for details. There’s 7+ other women, everything he told them was a lie. Name, age, height, city, occupation. All of it.
The only common denominator was that he bought us all the exact same lingerie set for his birthday in January. 🙃 And specifically requested I hang it up in our closet where it’s viewable. Forgiveness is not on the table. He’ll be surprised, but I doubt he’ll be hurt.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
purejones

I look forward to it, how did you find out if it’s not too personal?

OOP

Woke up randomly in the middle of the night and “he’s up to no good” was all I could think about. I sleep like a literal baby and never, ever wake up like that. Took his phone and locked myself in the bathroom while he was asleep and found it all.

Friendship break ups are so much worse than relationship breakups March 5, 2022
I’ll be single again pretty soon and I’m looking forward to it but also not. Like yay! I finally can cook when/how I want to and don’t have to split chores and can do everything on my own my way.
But thats the only good part.
I’ve been on my own since I was 16 and I’ve turned out (mostly) fine, I have a paid off house and car, cute dog, debt free, and I’m finishing up my masters degree at 25. It could be worse.
But I’m lonely. I’m not on speaking terms with my family and had a huge fall out with my lifelong friends a couple years ago. I haven’t tried making friends since bc part of me hopes one day I can find a way to fix that friendship.
Plus I’m moving around so much that making friends is pointless. I’m not good at long distance anything.
I never prided myself on romantic relationships- sure, they’re cool, but a loving group of women was always where I found the most peace and understanding and that’s what I want the most.
I guess I’m just going through things right now and I really wish I had people I trust to talk to. Friend breakups hurt the most.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
OOP when asked how she had a house at a young age
OOP

Neither. I lived with my friends and their parents until college started. Already had a scholarship. Just worked 3 jobs until I was 22 and lived frugally.

~
Dufusbroth

The maths for time and money aren’t working out on this end but there is also a lot of variable/info that is missing.
It took my 7 years to payoff my house and I was contributing to it like it was an emergency. Qualifying for a home and paying it off in that amount of time without help seems nearly impossible. I’m so curious about the formula here! I need a lesson in finance from OP. When I broke it down on it just doesn’t seem possible except from a financial windfall counting even a frugal cost of living along with an accounting for taxes paid, etc… and that did not include the cost for transportation, medical, groceries, blah blah blah

OOP

The house was a 70k foreclosure and is 4bed/4bath. I was a golf caddy, gentlemen’s club bartender and occasional hostess, and notary signing agent. Along with selling stationary items on etsy. Also my scholarships paid for quite a bit of my home in general- they never specified what kind of housing for them, just housing. I lived in 1 room and rented out the other 3.

Dufusbroth

That’s the info I was looking for- thanks you! That is very smart. Good going! Good luck with your situation- so interested how he reacts to your departure

My current relationship has made me realize the thin line between love and hate. March 9, 2022
I found out my boyfriend of almost 4 years was cheating. We’ve lived together for 2 years and I’m leaving him tomorrow. He just doesn’t know yet. And won’t until after I’m gone.
As mad as I am, as betrayed as I feel, I still love him. All I really want is to wake up tomorrow and this all be a nightmare. I don’t enjoy this slice of reality.. that the person I loved the most has looked me in my eye and lied to me for who knows how long.
and every time I do it I’m left wondering how many times he did it. How many times did he wine, dine, and fuck other women and come home to me? How many times have I been the stupid girlfriend who trusted her boyfriend blindly? How many times have I been some woman’s laughing stock? Did he fuck us back to back? Did his friends know? Did they look me in my fucking eye and really not say anything? Did he love them? How many times did he tell me he loved me and meant it? When did he stop meaning it? Did he ever even mean it the first time?
I’m not a master manipulator. Unlike him. I’m just composed because I’ve never had any other choice. Emotions got you beat or worse when it came to my parents and I’m more than aware I have a shitload of trauma to unpack but I can’t.
Not in the self pity, woe is me, its too hard, but no. I probably just can’t. Therapists here are wildly westernized and once I start with the short list they’ll probably just charge me double. Maybe triple. And the last time I tried he kept trying to convince me I enjoyed my own assault.
Maybe I got cheated on because I’m emotionally inept. My intimacy levels are quite limited. The few times he asked about my childhood I either a) brushed him off or b) told him one thing I thought wasn’t that bad and he was so shocked I held out on the actually bad parts.
And that’s where the hate comes in. He knows what it’s like to grow up feeling unwanted. He knows what it’s like to lose your parents young. He knows what it’s like to feel like your entire life has been horrible event after horrible event.
But he still did this to me and I don’t get how he could. I could never cheat on anyone, let alone someone who’s shared such personal things with me.
I haven’t so much as made eye contact with another man since we met… other people were just other people and we were us.
I don’t know. I just don’t see being able to date again. I had deep seeded trust issues long before this and growing old by myself with 30 cats genuinely sounds nice. Hell, great even. At least I won’t always be wondering when the betrayal will come.

(Update) Leaving partner of 4 yrs after finding out he was cheating March 10, 2022
Transport company came and picked up my car. Sold whatever big furniture I brought for low prices. Took his dog to the park and played with him a bit, got him a dog cupcake and took him back to the apartment.
Movers started coming for the rest of my stuff and I hadn’t prepared for our property manager thinking we were both moving out and we hadn’t given them the required vacancy notice. She came to talk to me right as my uber was coming and I told her what was going.
Unfortunately they had already called him bc only his name on the lease. He’s called and texted me a few times but I haven’t replied. His work day won’t be over for a couple of more hours.
I left my apartment keys, and anything he’s ever bought for me that I hadn’t sold already. Didn’t feel like taking that stuff with me. While packing I remembered we bought a pet camera that shoots treats on the entertainment center and turned it back on. I promised myself I’ll disconnect from it by midnight tomorrow but I have my own predictions about how he’ll react and I just gotta know for sure. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Sue me lol
I actually forgot to leave a note and was running out of time before my uber came and just left the lingerie set he was so obsessed with on the bed. He’ll figure it out eventually. Or not.
I’m at the airport now with my dog and just waiting on my flight. I wish I could say that I feel free but I don’t. Just tired.
Thank you all for the well wishes and thank you more to all of the other women who reached out with similar stories. I think I might’ve caved and stayed if you all hadn’t.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Suspicious_Bear_6634

What did he say on the text when they informed him that things were being moved out?

*OOP

Just that he got a call from property management and asked if I ordered something big and if anything was going on.

Pet Cam Update March 14, 2022
Update: I turned it on for about ten minutes after I got back to my home and unpacked. He wasn’t there, but everything was a mess. There was a hole in the wall, furniture flipped over, papers everywhere, the kitchen looked like a tornado went through it.
I deleted all of my other social media accounts but didn’t block his number. The first two days he called me over 200 times. Lots of novel ass text messages and him admitting to some shit I didn’t even know about yet. Quite a few calls from his dad and friends too.
I didn’t reply to any of them
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I, 29, female, married my 32, male, husband 3 years ago.
I met my husband about 6 years ago while I was in my last year in university and he was in the workforce. I attended university in my home state. I lived on campus and had an on-campus job working as a barista. During my last year, I met a new co-worker named Alex, male, who I quickly became friends with. Alex was one year below me and lived 30 minutes away from my hometown. Most of my coworkers were pretty close so it was not unusual for us to spend in between class time together, or even spend the night at each others dorm rooms. Nothing sexual, just movies, junk food, and good vibes.
Prior to meeting my now husband, I was pretty deep into the online dating scene but was growing very tired of the charades. I frequently told Alex about my endeavors and he would often offer me good advice on the dating scene. Alex had recently broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years so we kind of understood each other in that way. Early on in our friendship, we both established that we were not interested in each other, and only liked each other as friends.
Alex and I told each other everything. We talked about of pasts, about our dreams, and everything in between. We spent countless shifts together and spent many hours binge-watching our favorite tv shows.
At the beginning of the spring semester, my 6- month long situationship broke it off with me, and I was devastated. I confided in Alex and cried all night long in his dorm room. For some reason, his attitude and tone were different that night. He was judging me for online dating and being sexually active outside of a relationship. He told me, "this is the reason that I don't have sex with a girl I'm not dating, because then they become attached." I was so devastated at the break up and even more with Alex's words. I did not have the courage to tell him that his words were hurting me.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, I met my now husband online. Things were great, and as my relationship with my husband grew, I slowly stepped away from my university friendships and with Alex. Alex never met my husband while we were in university as my husband lived about an hour away, but he heard all of the stories, and followed along on social media. Alex was very supportive the whole way through.
As the school year came to an end, I prepared myself for the usual end of school year rituals. Since Alex was not graduating with me and our other friends, I did not see him much. But since we lived only 30 minutes away from each other, I knew we would stay in touch. Right before graduation, Alex congratulated me on finishing my studies and finding a great man. This was the first time of the many times he would remind me of "the night you cried all night in my dorm room." I was shocked to say the least. Again, I did not have the courage to speak up about how his actions then, and now, were hurtful.
I graduated and began my first job soon after. Alex and I met for lunch a few times that year before he told me he would be moving to the other side of the country with his best friend after graduation. We said our good byes and he promised he would be back.
That year I moved in with my husband, and the next year we got engaged. Alex and I occasionally video called and messaged each other. When Alex finally came back into town, he made it a point to come see us in our new home and to celebrate us. At this point, it had been two years since Alex and I were baristas together in university. Naturally we drifted apart, but we were still friends. It was really nice to see him, but I no longer felt the same companionship I felt with him in university. Alex had mentioned that when my husband and I would get married, he would love to attend as my "brother." I found this title to be very odd as I do have three older brothers, all of whom I am very close to. But Alex explained that his relationship with his sisters was very strained, and he saw me as a sister. So I let it slide even though I was not so comfortable with calling him my brother.
Over the next two years, Alex and I really drifted apart. We rarely talked and when we did, it was usually just when he complimented my outfit or makeup on a picture I'd post. I did think it was a bit flirtatious, but I did not pay too much mind to it. After all we were friends, and I was his "sister."
Soon enough my husband and I picked a wedding date and announced our bridal party. One day, Alex calls me up and asks for the wedding details so he can fly in for our wedding. At this time, I really did not want to invite Alex to the wedding as I did not view Alex in the same way anymore. I could only invite such few friends as my husband and I both have large families and it felt like inviting him was cutting into our guest list. I invited some friends from university but none of our mutual barista friends. I could not gain the courage to tell him the truth, so I invited Alex to the wedding and the rehearsal dinner. I did state that he was not allowed a plus-one due to the aforementioned guest-list restraints; a decision I live to regret.
Since Alex still had relatives close by to my hometown (where the wedding was to be held), I knew him coming for the wedding would not be a big deal since his lodging and day-to-day schedule would most likely be with his family. Alex flew in 5 days before the wedding and insisted on spending atleast two nights at my house. That was the last thing I wanted to do during the week of my wedding. I convinced myself that Alex flew all the way across the country for my wedding, and the least I could do was spend some extra time with him. I was able to bring Alex down to one night as I had a very busy week scheduled with the rehearsal dinner on Friday night and the wedding on Saturday. Alex spent Wednesday night at my house where he, my husband, and I spent the night sharing two bottles of wine and playing board games. Alex was visibly more drunk than we were. Before the end of the night, Alex started falling over and tossing around some vintage collectibles I kept in my dining room as decor. I quickly brought him to our guest room, where I asked him to stay put for the rest of the evening. Alex left early the next morning without saying much. I was relieved to have him gone.
The rehearsal dinner came and went and Alex was a great guest. He did not have too much to drink and mingled with our families. I introduced him to everyone as, Alex, a friend from university. However, he would quickly interject with, "her brother." I think most of our families saw I was uncomfortable with the term, and only referred to him as Alex. Wedding day came and my husband and I were happily wed before our families and friends. Only our bridal party and closest relatives were invited to the photoshopt following the ceremony, but somehow Alex also came along. I did not pay too much mind, and figured, he did not want to arrive to the reception alone.
At the time I did not know, but my husband's best man, Bryan, brought a bottle of liquor to share amongst the groomsmen. In an effort to not have Alex be alone, Bryan asked him to join them.
By the time we got to the reception, everything went well. We all had a great time and Alex and I danced a song. He was very emotional during the dance and again, reminded me about the night I cried in his dorm room. He told me how happy he was that I can go from that night, to my wedding night. At this point I was very annoyed as I could tell he was visibly drunk. Again, I would later find out that Bryan and Alex would sneak off during the reception to do shots.
At the end of the night I was fed up with Alex and planned on heading back to the hotel where the rest of the bridal party was staying. I said my goodbyes to Alex and thanked him for flying out to my wedding. During our goodbye, my bridesmaid, Jess, surprised me with the news of a surprise after party at her and her sister, Kim's place just 10 minutes away. Alex immediately insisted on coming along as my "brother." I absolutely did not want Alex to come to the after-party but I could not get him to go home. I also could not give him to someone else to take care of as he really did not know anyone else. I told Alex he could only come if someone came to pick him up and take him to the party as he was too drunk to drive his car. Alex agreed and called a relative to pick him up.
My husband and I arrived at the after-party hosted by Jess. I was so happy that the party was low-key with only a few drinks, food, and a light crowd. After all, I spent the past day and a half hosting. We were all enjoying ourselves when Alex walks through the front door. Alex appears even more drunk and is slurring his words. I am immediately embarrassed and even more so that I could not put my foot down and tell him to go home. I welcome Alex in to the main room of the house and sit him on a chair and bring him some water. I am watching Alex from a distance making sure he's not getting into trouble. Jess approaches me a little while into the party stating that Alex is making Kim, her sister, uncomfortable. She told me that Alex asked Kim to dance, but she respectfully declined citing she has a boyfriend and he is in the other room. Alex did not accept that answer and insisted she dance with him. I angrily approach Alex and told him to leave Kim alone.
I bring Alex to a seat close to me so I can keep a closer eye on him. At this point, my feet are swollen from a whole day's activities and I had a hard time unlacing the straps on my heels. I asked Bryan to help me loosen my heel straps as my husband was in another room. Once Bryan unloosens my heel straps, Alex immediately crawls up to me and starts massaging my feet. I am horrified as is Bryan and everyone else in the room. I immediately pull my feet back and Bryan helps Alex up and puts him back in the chair. My husband comes back into the room and I tell him I want to go back to the hotel. I ask my husband to call a ride share for Alex, when Bryan tells me he saw Alex pull up in his own car. I am immediately angered at Alex's decision to drive his car while drunk, but also mad at myself for not standing up to him. I tell Alex I am leaving and he needs to leave his car at Jess' and pick it up in the morning. Alex insists he will be leaving soon and not to worry. Jess looked at me in my distress and told me not to worry, and that she would make sure he gets in a rideshare. As my husband grabbed my coat, Alex looked at me and said, "when the love of your life gets married to someone else." I was so incredibly angry with Alex. I was embarrassed, I was shocked, and I was so disappointed. I don't know if Alex meant what he said, or if he was just drunk, but I had enough of Alex. I left Alex at the part and went home with my husband.
The next day, I woke up around noon to a text message from Alex, thanking me for a great party, and wishing to extend gratitude to Jess and Kim for their hospitality. I immediately phoned Jess to recap the rest of the party. Jess informed me that Alex did not take a ride share the night before. He spent the night at Jess' as he passed out on the living room floor. Jess, to not further distress me, ended the night early, and cleaned up the house. In the morning, Jess and Kim woke up to find Alex had left the house very early in the morning, but not without leaving behind a surprise for them. Alex had vomited all over the bathroom; missed the toilet as he went #2; had 💩 smeared on the bathroom rug; and to top it off, Alex left his 💩 stained boxers on the bathroom floor.
My jaw hit the floor. I could not process the level of disgust that I felt for Alex. I apologized profusely to Jess and Kim and offered to come clean up immediately. They knew it was not fault, but I felt absolutely horrible for inviting this man into their home.
From that moment on, I decided to ghost Alex. No matter how much anger I felt towards him, I did not feel it was worth my time. I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn't block him initially, I just ignored his calls and texts. He eventually reached out to my husband, and that's when I blocked him and asked my husband to do the same. I still feel bad about ghosting Alex, because a part of me feels he does not remember what happened, and I should give him some closure. The other part of me realizes he's a drunk and ruined parts of my wedding and did horrible things at my bridesmaid's house. I want to reach out sometimes, but then I remember that Jess and Kim had to clean up his 💩 smears. Idk, AITA for ghosting my "brother" after my wedding?

FAIR WARNING THIS WILL BE A WALL OF TEXT
Intro: In a series of reviews that will begin (or return) here; we are going to try and take a critical look at the Chuck series, especially the unfolding of the story as scene through the teleplay. In this case we are assuming multiple things about a potential watcher:

• The watcher is new to the series and does not know about future episodes, but there is an expectation any previous episodes have been watched.
• I will try not to point information out that becomes important for later episodes, though there may be times it's important because of how episodes are filmed and how episodes string together, I will however try and hide these behind a spoiler tag. I say this as a person who has watched Chuck dozens of times, so if I inadvertently spoiler, sorry.
• I will do my best to point out interesting references that are hidden within the Chuck universe, but not at the expense of extended expositions unless in-depth analysis is necessary as it relates to the scene.

What is this all for: This started as a project to improve my critical reviewing skills for a hobby of movie script writing and analysis. Chuck happens to have published 3 original scripts and all the text of every episode has been published to a searchable database. This affords an opportunity to break from my movie writing woes and infinite revisions to just have fun enjoying Chuck and trying to deepen my understanding of the intersection of script writing with filmography and visual editing. Having said this, it should be known I have no affiliation to the show, no additional insider knowledge, and I do not write scripts for a living. So, consequently, feel free to ignore everything I say :). I do hope, however, we can go on this journey together and appreciate the excellence that is a love story called Chuck.
So, don't freak out, and lets get started.
​
Chuck 01x04 (Chuck vs the Wookiee): TEASER - We open with the gang playing "Know Ya!", which isn't actually a real board game, but based on the game Paddles. It's amazing that Morgan can't stand Ellie/Awesome being in love/winning, but marches triumphantly whenever he gets a question correct. I also like we see, in frame, Chuck watching Sarah pick off olives; he's beginning to notice things just like a real spy. The deep sadness and yet storied confliction on Chuck's face when he discovers Peaches 1 and Peaches 2 was great.
For those who don't know about dogs:

• A cocker spaniel is typically smaller; by ~5inches and up to 30lbs lighter than a springer spaniel.
• Springer spaniels also have shorter fur across their bodies, with feathered hair under their chests and legs.
• Only a cocker spaniel will be solid colored
• Springer spaniels have longer muzzles, while cockers have fluffier ears.

I find it very interesting how Sarah has "spidey sense" about potentially being watched. At no point previously did either Sarah nor Casey display this trait and I'm not totally sure how an open window was enough to do this; I wonder if Sarah's comfort being around Chuck's family is causing her to develop a "feeling of being watched" as she is comfortable with the Bartowski's? For those who missed it, Sarah talks about having a sister I think at the time this was just a throw-away line to protect her cover, but in season 5 Sarah does actually have a little sister if you count the little girl she rescues One last thing about Sarah here, when Bryce is being discussed, I really like how it was played where she acts quiet and shocked, but not saying anything. The facial expressions of Yvonne here are really special and you can tell Sarah lives a life of secrets. This is carried outside when Chuck asks Sarah about her relationship with Bryce. She is totally looking down and to the right, a classic indication of an emotional response searching for rationalization (ie. she is clearly lying)
As they end the game and exit to the courtyard, there teleplay of Chuck does something I've been wanting to see forever; they switch perspective to keep both characters in camera and follow them around from a 3rd perspective. We know this is supposed to indicate they are being watched, but I really enjoy getting to see them together reacting and talking instead of the constant close-ups and cuts. Normally Chuck will be shot with something between a medium close up (MCU) and Medium Shot (MS) to emphasize their characters and highlight their faces and expressions. This works really well because Chuck's cameras are typically either shoulder level or hip level based on the operators moving through their space. In many more modern TV shows, the technology of boom cranes and gyroscopic gimbals allows for content to be show from ground level to overhead giving directors the opportunity to tell their story through a variety of shifting profiles. If Chuck were shot today, we would see everything from full body shots all the way to extreme closeups without the need for continual jump-cuts and re-shoots because the technology is there. At least for this episode, it's nice to see the director explore more hip/knee level motion and more cowboy framed shots when having a distant observer perspective. https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/types-of-camera-shots-sizes-in-film/ does a fantastic breakdown of all the different shot type and camera perspectives for you want to read more!
As we transition into Sarah's hotel room, did anyone pick up on how NICE this is? She has double sinks, a king bed, a sitting mirror, free standing tub, and a great view. I doubt any agency in the "real world" would ever spring for something like this for multiple years for one of their agents, it's fancy! Enter Carina, tell me, who saw Sarah fight with a soap sock and think of iCarly and the famous "butter sock". Also during this fight, why is Sarah wearing a golden bikini? I know she is about to get into the shower, but what plausible reason is there for her to a) wear a bikini at all and b) it to be a bright golden yellow?? If you slow this fight scene way down, you will notice Yvonne's strikes actually come close to hitting Mimi as she has had a lot of training, whereas Mimi's strikes are miles from Yvonne and she just over-acts their impact. The most noticeable is the kick into her table, Sarah goes flying back, but we can tell from the angle, Carina missed her by a good 2 ft. This was just some sloppy editing and not getting the camera into position. I give it a pass because you have probably 3 camera operators wearing stabilized camera rigs trying to rotate around a room with 2 girls fighting and they just missed the angle by like 2 feet. I did really like at the end of the fight Carina had the option to go for the gun but instead went for the fish. If you didn't know they were not enemies before, this should have been a big clue! Carina calls Sarah's life in LA boring #1
​
ACT I
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Carina aka: Maria Elena Argalberdi was born Jun 16, 1978 in Alberdi Argentina with a Buenos Aires passport. Maria Elena is actually the name of a famous song in Mexico and eventually had a movie. This Chuck learns on Flash #1 and is the precursor to meeting the general for the first time. I know I've mentioned this before, but to reiterate; the pictures in Casey's apartment are all wrong; he has photos of Chuck and Morgan that don't happen until season 5 (lost footage) he has a map of Echo Park and Malibu already on display, and he has tactical information for each member of the Buy More (which he has no reason for at this time). It is interesting they talk about an opium cartel in Afghanistan as Afghanistan is known for it's huge poppy fields for heroin drug money.
The NADAN-I-NOOR diamond:

• The Nadan-I-Noor diamond has never been known to be bought or sold and ha only changed owners as a result of theft, conquest, or endowment
• It's listed as having 57 facets + 16 facets on girdle = 73. A facet is comparable with the brilliance of a diamond and is really the flat surfaces of a gemstone arranged in a geometrical pattern. In this case it helps characterize the refraction of light through the diamond interior. The girdle i the outer edge of a diamond surface, having 16 faces is quite large, as the girdle is the largest section of a gem, but also the thinnest when viewed from the side. In this case, having 73 facets puts the Nadan-I-Noor in either the Princess-Cut Diamond or Radiant Cut Diamond category, which are also the most expensive as they have the most possible facets.
• having 4-fold, mirror-image symmetry refers to how the light reflects internally to the diamond and indicates there are no impurities within the crystalline structure.
• interestingly a purity rating is not given, i would expect something like a F or IF (flawless/internally flawless) for a diamond described like this, but one isn't provided.
• the angles of incidence just describe the best way for light to enterefract from the diamond, these numbers are fake, but the metric is real
• there is a lot of sanscript written around the diamond markings, I can't figure out what if anything it means it looks like repeated nonsense
• could be a nod to the Koh-i-noor or "mountain of light" diamond, although this one in Persian is the "fool of light".

We open back to see Carina and Sarah looking at classified files within the restaurant. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW, you do not look at classified files out in the open and especially not where there are clearly other customers around. Venturing into the BuyMore, there is a monster truck rally on the TV's showing grave digger and reaper, two famous trucks from this time period. Morgan wants to spread his wings and be the fourth wheel to the perpetual 3 wheel party and Sarah, ever the schemer, literally glows when she thinks of the plan to have Carina go on a date with Morgan. I THINK this was just to help maintain their cover, but also maybe Sarah is just needling Carina? If you look in the back of the store when Chuck is talking to Sarah and Carina, there is a really cool Nerd Herd poster that says "Bringing peace to your computer emergency". "if a yawn could yawn" is Carina calling Sarah's job boring #2. One thing I really like with the double data is the way the camera jumps between the couples: boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl. I think they way they try and keep private conversations via screen time is a really nice, typical, teleplay trick that really works well here. In a "real" environment, everyone could hear everything, but by splitting the camera focus or playing with perspective, the viewer clearly knows "this is a conversation between girls the boys don't hear it". We see Chuck noticing Sarah picking off olives #2 while they watch a movie about penguins: who mate for life, present their love in the form of rocks, and are pack animals. In Chuck's bedroom as he talks to Morgan, Chuck has a box of King Edward Invincible underneath bongos; for those who don't know this is a famous box for mild tobacco cigars. So I wonder what Chuck is up to in his free time :P.
On the Nerd Herd call with Carina, she opens a bottle of wine with a butter knife. This is actually a pretty famous thing that is done all over the world with everything from a key to a saber. In fact they make a specially type of knife with an extra wide blade for this it Italy. I do want to ask the question; is Carina dressed in red lingerie (Chuck's favorite color she stole from Sarah) really necessary for this scene? I know that Carina is all about improvising and she often uses her sexuality to progress her cause (Casey), but I think we could have gotten away with just the top. I can certainly see the rationalization for going this far, but I think as an artistic choice it wasn't necessary. What IS necessary however is to talk about how Chuck's world implodes when Carina tells him about Sarah and Bryce. Also the perfect act transition ending right at Chuck's jaw dropping and the work boyfriend!
​
ACT II
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I'll say it again, the back an forth with Chuck and Sarah should have been a medium close up, shoulder level straight on shot instead of the constant cuts. Seeing their reaction in real time would have been easier and it would have allowed the Weinerlicious to be maybe 15 ft smaller to not need so many cameramen rotating. "Unless talking to your boyfriend is a matter of national security, the ketchup bottles won't refill themselves". Why yes it IS a mater of national security for Sarah to talk to Chuck... also if any one of us stood up to our boss like Sarah did, I'm pretty sure we'd be fired on the spot!
Malibu is ~2hours for Echo Park with standard LA traffic. Seriously, how do girls in high heels walk down stairs; we see Carina and Sarah walking sideways so there is enough space on each step to fit their shoes. Girls, how do you do that and not fall especially with narrow staircases and 3-6inch heels! Inside the room with the stone there is a bust of Cesare, archenemies, da vinci, and biblical David. There is also some famous paintings the best of which is Vemieer's "young girl with a pearl earring" which is rather appropriate considering it's meaning. There is also a Van Gogh of man in a wheat field and a Monet in one shot too. If ANY of these paintings were real instead of reproductions, they would be worth millions, in fact the young girl with a pearl is estimated at 40million, which is 1.5x the sell value of the Nadan-I-Noor! If we take a look at the engineering drawing of Flash #2 on the pedestal, we would see this design creates a closed circuit around the tongs the diamond rests on; which might explain it's red hue. If a person were to touch the diamond, it would close the circuit on their body allowing the 4000volts to travel through their heart. A person can die with ~20volts, though it's usually more like 50 in most occurrences. 4000volts is enough to kill a herd of elephants and completely overkill for a person. Also the amount of power that would take is more than the city of Malibu... this is to say the trap is real, the numbers are complete nonsense; thinking lightning! Nice shot by Sarah with the plate (there are some great bloopers on this too where she misses badly)! A remote controlled jet ski... i'm not even going to calculate the nonsense for this; it's just total nonsense. Almost as much nonsense as Casey using his phone to track Carina's call. That would take minutes, even with today's technology to back trace like that and way more power than just pushing a button on a razer flip-phone from the 90's!
back at the house, Chuck i playing halo with the legendary skulls as his weapon; this is nice because in the BuyMore at the end of the episode there are dudes dressed as master chief! I really like the changing perspective here with Chuck and Morgan. Chuck's reactions remain in focus while Morgan tells a story behind him, then it switches as Chuck starts to move around until bringing both into focus for the final line "we still have each other and that's really sad". The side cut to Sarah picking locks to the hotel door is classic early 2000's TV and i'm all for it, even if it is super cheezy. BTW as someone who used to lock pick in college, that's .... not how that works, but good try. We get our Flash #3 on the diamond in Morgan's back nuclear explosions. I wonder if the refractive capability of a diamond this pure is enough to focus laser to induce fission or if the value of selling the diamond is enough to buy nuclear material on the black market? Either way, we end the act with... the man with the golden gun!
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ACT III
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Chuck uses Sarah's plate move against Carina, nice inter-episode call back; he's clearly watching/learning, but his aim is terrible. This was actually clever as Sarah has perfect aim for she is a professional, while Chuck is still definitely a civilian and has no aptitude for fighting. I really like both these types of simple call backs but also how seemingly throw-away lines/actions help tell the broad story of the show. Chuck talking to Carina also shows Chuck has this weird, innate aptitude to get people to re-evaluate themselves and grow internally. You can watch Carina "grow in real-time. When we get to the hotel and Carina opens her trunk first there are a few glocks, a couple rugers, and a 1911; then she switches to blades and we see some folders, some strait blades, an illegal gravity blade (still illegal today), and a kbar... nice selection! Carina, always the flirt, gives Chuck some very insightful works about the nature of being a spy, but also maybe some way to get through to Sarah.
Inside the hotel we see Carina and Sarah speaking; Carina is speaking Swedish, while Sarah replies in Polish. "Om jag slänger nycklarna till dig, kommer du tappa dem då?" which is Swedish for "If I throw you the keys, will you drop them?" Sarah answered in Polish: "Tylko jak rzucisz jak twoja mamusia", which means "Only if you throw it like your mommy". This is just great!
I want to talk about how fast Chuck managed to find an address for DC, print a label, open a box, put the label on, and get the diamond there all before the door gets broken. Somehow on screen time this is like 10seconds, but in real life this would have to be like 3minutes minimum? Either that door is remarkably strong or... TV magic??
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ACT IV
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Even with all the flirting, as we say goodbye to Carina >! for now !< she is still joking with Casey and every the professional. I like how they show when it's "game time" it's all about the job, but spys can be people too! Carina still calls Sarah's life boring #3 (the common trifecta of episode repeats).
Sarah's face when Chuck brings the pizza with no olives is the reason I think Yvonne makes the perfect Sarah. She exudes the hidden beauty needed and has the acting to so such emotion for Chuck being sweet. The whole scene with Chuck and Sarah asking questions, then Chuck backing off, then Sarah acting stoic like she WANTS to open up but doesn't know if she can really trust Chuck, is ready to move on from Bryce, and should for the nature of her job. This was probably the most well acted 20seconds of the entire episode. Finally, we hear Sarah's middle name is Lisa. Now we never officially know if Chuck hears this or not both due to camera focus and distance, it's never officially confirmed in the entire show. When the intersect is updated in season 4 we see Sarah's picture and it lists Lisa as a middle name, so we assume it's official, but it's never confirmed at any point. Finally, I really like how they end the episode with Sarah closing her eyes as the fade to black.
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Few notes: There are 5 official songs in this episode:

• "Yea Yeah" by Matt and Kim - when the gang is playing board games during group date night. This song is about not worrying about the things you cannot change. Little things that build up and bum you out that you need to just let go.
• "Wild Girl" Matt Pond PA - Chuck and Morgan discussing their relationship problems. This song is about overcoming past struggles and finding hope in the present and future. Describing a sense of resilience and optimism
• "weird science" by does it offend you - Chuck and Carina talk at Peyman' Malibu Compound. This is a remind to break free and embrace individuality and live on your own terms. Be unapologetically ourselves.
• Shy by Mathew Dear - the double date
• "Fall into place" the apartment - the team say's goodby to Carina. Deals with growing up, taking (or not taking) chances. finding oneself in the unpredictability of life. I have to say, we don't actually hear the lyrics to any of these songs during the episode just the melody, but I don't really appreciate the music choices here. I feel like there were better options at key points, so that's a miss from me.
  
• On the DVD for Season One the word Wookiee is spelled incorrectly, leaving off the last E.
  
• "It used to be titled "Chuck Versus the Speedo" because the main bad guy in this show is this dude who wears a Speedo all the time. Then when the casting guy realized he had a good amount -- and by good, I mean healthy, a healthy amount of body hair -- they thought, why not call it "Chuck vs. the Wookiee". So it's this guy who's got this diamond, and we're trying to heist the diamond and all hell breaks loose." ―Zachary Levi quoted by Access Hollywood discussing this episode's title
  

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I think this was a great episode and really showcased what they can do when additional cast members join the team and when they are not afraid to play with perspective. Mimi as Carina is a great addition to the ensemble and I wish we saw her more, but every time she drops in, it's always a wild episode and it's fantastic. Watching Chuck learn about Sarah and seeing Sarah start to open up is a good way forward and heck Casey had some of the best humor in the episode. Overall, it was fast paced, had some nice character development, as funny in the best way, and moved the main theme along, 8/10.

I’m not the best at this but hear me out.

• Akademiks said that a “huge rapper” is secretly beefing with drake
• Akademiks says that the rapper has big songs with Drake(Sicko Mode is one of the biggest raps songs in recent history)
• Fans think it’s Travis Scott, (I also think its Travis, here’s why)
• Travis Scott was plastered all over the WDTY album, an album who’s rollout is centered around beefing with Drake+ Recently announced a shoe collaboration with Ye, who called for “The elimination of Drake” not too long ago
• Travis is known for being neutral during beefs(Let Drake is diss Ye on Sicko Mode, Let Drake diss Pharrel on Utopia{Pharrel is also on Utopia})
• But, this time I think it’s different, he’s definitely on a side, he SPECIFICALLY requested Metro/Future to play “Like That” at Rolling Loud
• But lets give Travis the benefit of the doubt, the version played at rolling loud wasn’t the Kendrick Diss version and “allegedly” Kendrick sent his verse last minute so maybe he aint know
• But he reposted the WDTY cover when it was about to drop, has 2 features and was in the Type Shit MV with CashXo(Also dissed by Drake)
• Travis knows Future/Metro are beefing with Drake he is showing them ALOT of support for a neutral guy
• I know what your thinking, there’s too much evidence that Drake and Trav are still cool such as the rumored European Tour, The floating Travis head at Drakes concert, and the “Travis got you wiped down” lyric on “push ups”
• I think these are all cover ups/smoke screens
• Starting off with the European Tour Rumors, it was hinted at via the grapevine on Twitter and Drake made a post hinting at it.
• But, Travis just announced his European/Worldwide leg for his tour, Drake is not involved, the Drake/Trav joint tour rumors are just rumors but if the rumors were actually true, this would mean Drake got removed from the tour. Well not “removed” but Travis didn’t wanna tour with him anymore.(Blind Items suggest that Drake doesn’t wanna go to the UK/Europe due to sex trafficking allegations)
• Next is the floating Travis Head that Drake shoots at, during Drake’s most recent tour this year, he had a massive Travis Scott head floating across stage whilst preforming “Meltdown”-
• Fans thought this was a jab at Travis, others think it’s “appreciation” or a “shoutout”
• I mean it’s obviously a shoutout right? Why would Drake have a massive Travis Scott head floating across stage if he didn’t like him?
• Let’s take look back at Drake’s character,
• On his most recent album “For All The Dogs” Drake has a song called “What Would Pluto Do” a song dedicated to his “friend” and long time collaborate, Future
• Fans loved the song and saw no maliciousness behind it, it’s a tribute song to Future, the title compares him to Jesus, and he’s rapping about how he’d fuck someone else’s girl because Future would do it. Great song displaying a friendship!
• However others found it weird that Drake didn’t feature Future on the song
• Nor did Future acknowledge the song, not even a post bumping it on his story
• Why would you pay a song made by your “friend” that’s shouting you out complete dust?
• Because he’s not shouting Future out
• It’s a massive sneak diss
• He’s bragging about fucking Future’s girl, and justifying it by saying Future would do the same to him
• “What would Pluto Do, He fucked the hoe so I did it”
• “What Would Pluto Do he definitely fucking on this hoe”
• So massive that no one knew it was a diss song until 5 MONTHS LATER, on the release of “We Don’t Trust You” “Sneak dissing I don’t understand dawg”
• It’s right there in the title track!
• The point is Drake is a massive sneak disser and bit extra/petty
• There has been smoke before the fire though, Future was allegedly mad at Drake for doing “Her Loss” instead of “WATTBA 2”
• But Drake was the first to publicly diss him
• Ye said “When Drake disses you, only you will know”
• If he can fake a an entire diss song towards Future, and mask it like they are still good friends publicly, he can do the same to Travis with the floating head.
• Not to mention, Metro was invited to IAAB tour in September 2023 and Drake first dissed Metro on a Metro beat with “More Ms” in November 2022 (He might’ve dissed Future there too)
• Don’t fall for the show antics, Drake hates these guys
• But there’s been tension before the sneak antics with Metro and Future but none with Travis, so maybe I’m just wrong.
• Next is Push Ups
• Everyone thinks the “Travis got you wiped down” bar is a Drake shouting out Travis
• But I think it’s something else, (I got the next point from a twitter dude)
• Drake wasn’t praising Travis, the point was to downplay Kendrick’s commercial success by naming other rappers and artists that are not Drake that outsold him
• He names Sza and 21 Savage, (21 Savage collab album with Drake sold 404k first week, Sos sold 318k, which is more than Mr Morales 295k)
• Other than Sza and Savage, how many other rappers/artists that are friends with Drake can say they “wiped down” Kendrick?
• He can’t say “Yeat got you wiped down, Sexyy Redd got you wiped down,” Durk Cole etc. They all sold less than Mr Morale.
• Therefore, he threw in Travis’s name as a placeholder to diminish Kendrick’s commercial success and add into the “he’s irrelevant” theory.
• Along with pretending to the public that he and Trav are still cool.
• The next part of my theory is all within the song Push Ups.
• On 4/12/24 after the release of Metro and Future’s second diss album, “We Still Don’t You”(Which had even more Drake disses) “Push Ups” leaked online
• It was the demo version that leaked and gained traction, Drake saw it and sent Akademiks the finished version, and dropped the song officially a week later.
• There’s some significant differences between the leaked version and the official, the beat is different, and the spoken word outro is cut off, but the lyrics within the song stayed the exact same, apart from two lines
• The Diddy Line
• And the “BM kiss and tell” Line
• Let’s start with the Diddy Line, when Drake was dissing Rick Ross in Push Ups, he brings up the Diddy raids
• Well not “brings up” he subtly mentioned it, didn’t even say his name
• “Every song he got it on the chart it came from Drizzy, worry about whatever going on with you and-“
• It cuts right before he mentions Diddy name which is supposed to be a subtle nod, but why is he scared to say Diddy name like he’s the boogeyman or something? Even on an unreleased demo
• The line is replaced with “Spend that lil check you got and stay tf up out by buisness”
• Could it be that Drake mentioning Diddy, and associating his name with sex trafficking could lead to some repercussions for Drake?
• Drake fans love bringing up the Diddy beef from a decade ago to insinuate that Drake is not involved with the weird sex stuff going on but Drake has been friends with Diddy for the last couple years.
• He drops a like on a Diddy ig post in September 2023, just months before Diddy’s first lawsuit accusing him of rape and abuse on Cassie
• This sub just revealed that Drake and Diddy are definitely associates via Nissan
• Drake would be the first rapper(Aside from 50, but first to do it in a song) to publicly call out Diddy for his sex crimes if he followed through with that line, the biggest one at that
• Drake saying that line would be throwing Diddy under the bus publicly.
• The blind items(which may or may not be true idk) suggest that Drake was throwing Dutchavelli under the bus with his sex crimes, and that another pedo rapper gossiped in jail that Drake should be with him
• And that’s exactly what Drake is doing, throwing Diddy under the bus
• Diddy still has access to social media and we know that other rappers, (Chris Brown, and Meek Mill friends with Drake) were at the Diddy parties fondling with minors.
• Drake follows Diddy son on IG, Diddy son was also partying with minors and sex workers, he’s just as complicit
• Could it be that if Drake name dropped Diddy and hinted at him being a pedo/trafficker in a song, hence throwing him under the bus, Diddy would have responded too? Would Diddy response be dragging Drake down with him? Is that why Drake deleted the line?
• “You gon make a nigga bring back Puff” could have a double meaning
• Kendrick can mention Diddy all he wants ”The Embassy bound to get raided TOO” Diddy can’t bring him down with evidence/confessionals.
• If Drake goes down, everyone else goes down, the industry is cooked, that’s why Metro had a tweet about “sparing the both of us”
• Kendrick isn’t going down, he’s not at these freaky rapper parties, he lives a boring life.
• But Drake?
• Who knows
• Keep in mind, when Push Ups first leaked, fans thought that Drake did it himself as a soft launch to test the waters and claim AI if the public thinks it’s ass
• But Akademiks(reliable Drake insider) says that the track may have leaked without Drake’s knowledge
• Also The Weeknd, who just had a song dissing Drake for having “leaks in their operation” posted a meme of him laughing the minute the song leaked.
• A reference track for Jumbotron Shit Poppin, made by Lil Yacthy also leaked a couple days after.
• If Drake does have a leak, and push ups leaking was a result, it adds onto the theory that Drake does NOT want to mention Diddy due to the potential consequences, and that the fans were not meant to hear that one.
• But Drake isn’t gonna publicly say “Guys don’t listen to that one I mentioned Diddy and I might get in trouble”
• He played it cool and changed the lyrics, no ones gonna notice
• Ok back to the main theory Drake V Travis Scott
• Another lyric change is “Rolling Loud stage y’all was turnt y’all was slick as hell, shit’ll change if your dog lil BM start to kiss and tell.” to “Shit’ll change if your Bm start to kiss and tell”
• Interesting…….
• We know that Push Ups is a direct response to Future/Metro, their “dog” is definitely Travis Scott, who was performing at Rolling Loud with Future/Metro, along with requesting “Like That”
• We know Drake hates the song, considering that according to Metro, he tried to block the song on radio.
• Travis Scott Bm is Kylie Jenner
• We know that 99% percent of Drake beefs center around women, if a rapper beefs with Drake their wife/significant other is getting mentioned. Unfortunately Travis on the receiving end.
• But this isn’t the first time Drake and Kylie have been paired together in a romantic context, theres been loads of dating rumors between them throughout the years
• Ye said ”Drake lives across the street from my wife and fucks all her friends” in a leaked phone call with Taylor Swift in 2016 . Does Kylie count as Kim’s “friend?”

EDIT I FORGOT THIS -Drake even has an unreleased song where he says”Real Shit, Kylie Jenner as a side piece, I got 20 damn Kylies”
EDIT AND THIS -Drake apologizes for the song later, but still weird to say that about a girl who you first met when you were a grown ass man and she was a minor?

• Drake would be the first to break his silence on these rumors and CONFIRM them by saying he smashed Kylie for the sake of the beef.
• Drake has known Kylie ever since she was young as 16, if Drake came out and said he smashed Kylie, people would make the connection that Drake fucking a girl that he first encountered as a minor, would be grooming
• And Drake definitely doesn’t want that label on him, considering that he “expected” it. So he changed the line and made sure it was directed at Future and Future only.
• The only lines that changed in the released and unfinished versions of Push Ups are coincidentally, the ones that cause Drake to Freudian slip himself(Kylie) or get him in trouble(Diddy)
• Hence why the track was leaked by a hater inside OVO and not Drake

In Conclusion IF the rapper beefing with Drake is Travis Scott it’s probably because of Kylie, if Drake smashed Kylie before/during/afte her relationship with Travis, he’s a certified pedophile. He doesn’t want the public to know that though, that’s why he removed Travis sub in Push Ups, we weren’t supposed to hear that, along with the Diddy line. There’s a leak in OVO, and that’s why the Travis beef is “secret”
Thank you to everyone who read through this, I apologize for it being a bit unorganized, I’ll add photos/tweets as evidence for the stuff in here soon. If I made a mistake/missing something lmk. If someone can make a shorter TDLR version that’s be appreciated ✌🏾.
UPDATE:Akademiks confirms the secret rapper is Travis right as I post this 😂

Let me preface this with the past 5 years summarized.
My wife used to smoke when I met her. She smoked when we were married, and for many years after. Due to health concerns, she decided to quit, and did so sometime around 2013.
We used to go away on holidays together as a family. In 2016 I took our son (13 at the time) on a road trip across a lot of the South and Western US States (CO, TX, UT, AZ, NM) while she went to another city to spend time with her daughter from another relationship. Since then, we did not go on holidays or take vacation together at the same time.
In 2017 I went away with our son, and again in 2018 and 2019. Sometime around 2019 I noticed my wife was smoking again, but I decided not to bother her about it, just let it be. I didn't say anything. She would leave to go to the store to smoke, because who goes to the store 2x every day?
She got into the car cruise nights and she would take her daughter along with her. Our son would ask to go, and she would often say no, she had already promised her daughter. Sometimes she would let him go.
She never wanted me to go with her, and in fact said so with excuses all the time ("you don't like sitting in my car, you don't like being around other people a lot, you should have fun with our son playing games instead" you name it). In the fall of 2022, our son told her that we knew she was smoking, when I wasn't home. So at first the nightly shopping trips ceased, as she began smoking outside on the street.
In 2023, for our anniversary, I got her a present and sent her a nice text. She thanked me by text, and didn't do or say anything in return. For my birthday, she didn't get me a card, or a gift. For father's day, same thing, no card, nothing. I had asked her to go away with me on a trip, and she said no. So I took our son on another trip. We had to come home 4 days early because we got sick, and she was upset we arrived early. She had taken the same period off for her holidays without telling me, and was mad that she was off work when I would also be off work and at home.
For her birthday, she didn't want me to do anything or even take her out, and instead went out by herself on a cruise night. At least she said she was going by herself, I didn't verify.
I should mention that during our whole relationship, I have always shared my phone location with her, but she has never shared hers with me, even though I've asked. She said she doesn't trust location services on the phone and so didn't want to use it. Okay, fine. She never would let me see her phone, and she had a passcode she never wanted me to see. Also, we had ceased having any sex sometime around 2018, and stopped kissing each other shortly after.
In the fall of 2023, she wanted to go to a cruise happening in another city, one state over. I said I'd like to go, and it seemed like she wasn't pleased but also not showing it. I could just have been reading that wrong. We went, and checked in to our hotel for the night, and she sat on the couch beside me on her phone for hours. I tried talking and she didn't want to engage. I tried rubbing her back, and touching her and it was like touching a dead person, with no response. When I finally said that I thought maybe we could make love, she said she was too tired for that.
The next day, I told her I wanted to make love to her, and she said she would have to shower first, and when she came out of the shower, we made love. But it was different than it used to be.
She started going out again to the store more frequently, and then it became just going for a drive, or going for a walk after a drive, or just sitting in her car in some random parking lot for 6 hours listening to music (so she said).
Just before Christmas, she went to the car club dinner, and said I wasn't invited so I couldn't go along.
On New Year's Eve, she told me after supper, at 7pm, that she was going to a party that her friend was hosting, and that she wanted to go alone. I was quite upset over this, but didn't say anything. I just let her go, while I sat at home and cried.
The next week, she asked me to book a hotel room for her for middle of January, as she was taking a week of holidays. I was upset, wondering where this was leading, but I did it for her.
After her first night, I texted her and asked how she slept, and she said she didn't sleep well, was up at midnight because car alarms were going off in the parking lot, and she didn't get back to sleep until after 2:30am.
Our anniversary came, and I got her a gift, and sent her a text. She simply said "thank you for the gift" but nothing else. It seemed off, but not like this wasn't a trend. It was just, becoming more distant and off.
From the hotel stay, through until the end of February, she would be out for at least 4-6 hours every single night and the entire weekends. It was drinking with the girls from work (something she never did before) to coffee with a certain friend (we'll call her Nettie), out for a drive, etc. In the beginning of February, our son needed to go to the hospital, and he had texted her to take him, because I had already taken him 4 times in the prior 2 months. She showed up at home to pick him up, and on the way to the hospital, she was texting someone, with her phone held at an angle so he couldn't see. Several times they almost hit another car or went into the ditch.
Finally he shouted at her "who is so important that you're texting, that you're willing to kill us over?" and she angrily just slammed her phone down and said nothing.
On February 29, in the afternoon, she sent me an email that she was separating from me. I didn't see it until 7pm. She came home from work at around 6, and was really weird. I guess she didn't know I hadn't seen it yet. We decided on supper, and she went out to get the food and bring it home. While she was out, I saw the email.
She never gave me any reason why. Here was her email:

I have been unhappy for such a long time, and nothing seems to help us improve our relationship. I am sorry to say this, but this relationship isn’t bringing out the best in either of us so I’ve decided that I want to separate with the intention of reconciliation.
I feel like I don’t have any space in our house. I mentioned using the 2^nd bedroom for my painting and you said right away that you wanted to use it. I stopped even trying to do this.
I would like for you to take care of yourself and get some answers regarding your health and wellness.
Some of the steps I am taking include:
I am currently looking for a place of my own, so we both have space to work on our own stuff. I need time to reflect on myself and discover who I am again. I’m looking for peace within myself and feel I need to do this on my own.
I have opened my own account and my next pay check will be deposited into this account.
I am seeing a counselor.
In restarting our journey, I support your promise to clean up the basement and to sell the stuff. I am also hurting at this time, we both need to heal so we can continue.
I think it's best if we communicate through email for now. I will respond within 24 hours.

After this, she began asking me questions over several days about things, accounts, etc., and I reasoned she was seeing a lawyer. So I made an appointment and saw a lawyer, and we drafted a letter to send to her. In the meantime, before receiving that letter, she filed for divorce, with no possibility of reconciliation, and she filed to take all of my assets, and for a restraining and protection order. She filed to take the house, and have exclusive access to it, etc.
I began trying to figure out where this was all coming from. I started looking at the phone bills, something I had never done before. I reversed phone numbers she had called, and then saw that during the time she was at the hotel, she had zero phone calls, except for one. She received a call at 11:30pm on the first night she was staying there, The same night she mentioned she was awakened by car alarms when I asked how her night was.
Why did she get a phone call at 11:30pm, who was it? Why no other calls for the rest of her stay? People she would talk to knew she was away? She would typically have at least 3-5 calls minimum every single day on her phone.
Unfortunately, incoming calls don't have a call number listed, just that it is incoming. The call lasted for 2 minutes.
While she was 'separated' from me, but still living in the same home, she would not talk to me. At all. One evening, a few weeks after the divorce filing, she was texting someone, and at 9pm she went to bed. Half hour later she got up, and went out the door, and was gone for 2 hours, returning at 11:30pm, going straight to bed. Something she had never done before.
I was blindsided and struck by this separation, and then divorce. I mean, our marriage wasn't great for years, no sex, no intimacy, no "love", but I had figured she just needed some space. I gave her space.
One thing that happened 3 weeks before she separated from me, our son came to me, and told me that his mom was acting really weird for the past while. He said he had some ideas, but he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to be wrong. I told him I already had ideas, and I had already talked to friends who gave me their opinion, and just spit it out. He said he thought she was cheating on me, and that it was possibly someone from the car cruise group. He told me about the texting incident while driving to the hospital.
Additionally, he told me the first time she took him to the car group, she told him MANY times "you don't have to worry about me, all of these people are married". He said at one point "why are you telling me that?" and she said "well, I didn't want you to think I'm seeing other people behind your dad's back".
On top of this, I had started checking up on her when she would say where she was going. And she wasn't going there. She said she went for coffee at a coworker's house, and when I went for a drive while she was there, I found she wasn't there. She also had texted me at least 8 times that she was going to see Nettie for coffee. Which is funny because I ran into Nettie a few weeks ago, and Nettie hadn't seen her since last summer, when my wife betrayed her trust somehow and walked out on their friendship.
Was my wife cheating on me? She refuses to talk to me. She is telling people lies, like saying that I came to the hotel and checked up on her while she was there, telling the front desk people to "call him if anyone goes to his wife's room". She has told people I know that I had accused her of cheating on me, and I wasn't trusting her, etc.
Is she just done with our marriage? I think it all fell apart 5 years ago, but I'm not entirely sure. The way she was with me, and at home was nearly the same until the day she gave me a separation email, as it was for the prior 5 years. Was she faking it for 5 years?
In the meantime, she has turned her daughter away from me. She and our son went out for the afternoon a couple of months ago, and she told him "isn't it so shitty what dad did to mom?". I didn't do anything... I don't get it.
If she comes crawling back to me, I will not get back together with her. She has proven now that she is 100% untrustworthy. And without trust, there can be no relationship.

When I was ten, I formed a junior detective squad.
Mom bought me the entire box set of What's New Scooby Doo, and I was inspired to start my very own detective gang. I held auditions outside the gymnasium at recess (serious enquiries only) after a number of kids tried to apply for the role of Scooby Doo despite me reiterating I was not interested in playing make believe.
When I was laughed at in class, I made posters strictly asking for SERIOUS wannabe detectives, even going as far as using my Mom’s printer to make flyers, sticking them all over the school.
Auditions were simple. I asked them to solve a simple riddle.
Whoever impressed me got to sign their name down, and I’d get back to them.
I spent three days sifting through kids who definitely had charm, but they lacked the intelligence of a junior detective. Most kids were only auditioning to make fun of me, anyway.
Still, though, I didn't give up.
My flyers had five requirements:
1). You had to be smart.
2). You were not allowed to be a scaredy cat.
3). You had to accept your inevitable death at the hands of our town’s evil villains.
4). You had to have a fully registered driving licence (I quickly changed this to a bike).
5). You cannot have a criminal record.
(I later scribbled this one out, writing over it. *“You cannot have any tardies.”
Narrowing the applicants down to three kids, all of whom failed to share my enthusiasm for solving cases. The kids I picked didn't even know how to make plans, and when I invited them to my house, they stole my Mom’s necklace.
I didn't even need to solve the mystery of who stole Mom’s necklace. The girl was wearing it at school. I punched her in the face, and was immediately sent to the principal’s office. When I was being given the mother all lectures, the door quietly opened, a head peeking through.
It was Ben Callows, a freckly kid with overgrown brown hair hanging in his eyes. Ben really needed a haircut.
He was always wearing the exact same baseball cap, and I found myself wondering if it was permanently glued to his head, stuck on top of unruly brown curls practically matted to his forehead.
In class, Ben was also known as Bloody Ben. In the second grade, the boy had a nosebleed in the middle of a spelling test, bleeding all over his paper.
It's not like he didn't try and detach himself from the name.
Ben brought in Digimon cards, so kids would call him Digimon Ben instead.
Then he “accidentally” spilled yoghurt down his shirt in hopes we would call him Yoghurt Ben. But no. The kids in our class were relentless in reminding him of his name. No matter what he did, he was still Bloody Ben, and when anything related to blood came up in class, fifteen pairs of eyes would swivel to him, like he had invented the concept of bleeding.
I feared the nickname would follow him to junior high.
Ben didn't wait to be let in. He didn't even knock, striding in with his arms folded. Over the years, Bloody Ben, had definitely soured his personality.
He smiled rarely, and when he did smile, someone was falling over or hurting themselves.
Which definitely strengthened the claims of him being a sociopath.
The rumor mill was churning, with the latest claiming Bloody Ben killed his cat. That wasn't true. Ben’s cat was seventeen with cancer, and that was why he was sobbing all the way through reading time.
According to Ellie Daly, however, Ben had killed and dissected his kitty, and buried her in his Mom’s flowers.
Now, my principal did not like being interrupted, especially when she was in the middle of screaming at me.
Principal Marrow was old old (like, thirty, in my ten year old mind) stick thin like a pencil, and always wore the same stained sweater.
She used to be pretty, but I was convinced she had kissed a frog and been cursed. After our old principal suffered a stroke, she stepped in as a temporary replacement, and since becoming principal, had banned my favorite book series, colored shoe laces, and hamburger helper, even officiating a uniform.
(vomit green shorts and a tee, and plain white sneakers).
Kids were convinced she was a witch, and I kind of believed it.
Principal Marrow’s whole existence was built on sucking the fun out of school.
I was already reprimanded for my mystery gang flyers.
Her office smelled of peppermint and she was definitely sneaking sips of whisky in her coffee cup. I could see the bottle sticking out of the trash.
She straightened up, folding her arms across her chest, squinty eyes narrowing at the boy. I had spent the whole time she was lecturing me trying not to cry, my fists bunched in my lap.
I took the distraction as the perfect opportunity to swipe at my eyes, allowing myself to breathe.
Ben Callows was her victim now.
I was right. The woman's voice was like a thunderclap in my ears.
“You better have a good reason for not knocking, young man.”
Ben wasn't fazed by her tone. “You took my Switch two weeks ago,” he said, “I want it back, or I’m telling my Mom.”
At first, I thought I'd misheard him.
No, I was pretty sure he'd threatened our principal.
I swore I heard all of the breath sucked from the room.
“I'm sorry,” Principal Marrow cleared her throat. Her soft tone was dangerous.
She wasn't being nice. The lady was about to explode.
I could see visible veins straining in her temples, her right eye twitching.
It was straight out of a cartoon.
“Did you forget something, Ben?”
Ben sighed, like she was inconveniencing him.
He held out his hand. “Please can I have my Switch back? It counts as stolen property. Give it back, or I'm telling my Mom.”
The kid put so much emphasis on the word please, I couldn't resist a smile.
I think our principal was too shocked to get angry.
“Get out.” She said, firmly. “I don't have your gaming device.”
“It's in your drawer.” Ben nodded to her desk, “Under your divorce papers and the restraining order ordered by Jake Willow, the seventeen year old boy you've been having math ‘tutoring sessions’ with.” He quoted the air, his gaze lazily rolling to me. “Tutoring”
Principal Marrow went deathly pale, her eyes darkening.
“Benjamin Callows–”
“The school already knows about the restraining order, but your uncle is the head of the Board of Education, so all you get is a slap on the wrist and a warning to leave the boy alone."
Ben continued, and I found myself mesmerised by his words. He was a natural, his expression stoic, mouth curved with satisfaction that wasn't quite a smile. “However.” He held up his phone, pulling it away at the exact moment the teacher attempted to grab it. “You were outside Jake Willow’s house at 6:12am, drunk, and trying to climb through his window, which, I think violates the restraining order, does it not?”
Ben pretended to think real hard, his gaze flicking to the ceiling.
“I mean, I'm just a kid, right?” His mouth curled into the hint of a smirk
“What do I know, huh?”
Principal Marrow’s expression twisted, her lip wobbling.
“Mr Callows, remove yourself from my office, or I am calling your father.”
Leaning comfortably against the door, Ben’s lip twitched.
“Why? Are you planning on telling my Dad about your relations with a teenage boy, or will I have to tell him instead?”
I was enthralled, and fully disgusted, making a move to inch away from the woman.
“But it doesn't end there.” Ben continued. He straightened up, taking slow, intimidating steps towards the woman's desk. “You don't even want Jake, do you? Because, once upon a time, you were in love with his father. Jason Willow. You despised him for rejecting you, so you decided to defile his son.” Ben leaned over the principal’s desk, slipping his hand into the drawer, and pulling out his switch.
Painfully slowly.
She stood there, speechless, her shoulders trembling.
Ben smiled, and I found myself liking it.
“Thank you!” He said, waving the console in her face. Ben mimed locking his mouth and throwing away the key.
“My lips are sealed.”
Ben’s half lidded eyes found mine. “Are ya coming, Panda?”
I forgot my own nickname.
Panda.
I wore my Mom’s eyeliner because I thought it looked cool.
It did not.
Finding my breath, I snapped out of it.
Jumping up, I followed him out of the office, and when the two of us were safely on the hallway, I burst into hysterical giggles. “How did you know all of that?!” I whisper- shrieked.
Ben surprised me with a splutter. “Wait. You believed me?”
Something very cold trickled down my spine.
I stopped walking. “You lied?”
He shrugged. “I had a dig around her office before she caught me a few days ago,” Ben swung his arms, a smile curling on his mouth. “There's no restraining order, but there is prescription anti-psychosis medicine, and an extremely detailed story on her laptop about a teachestudent romance, which I presume is a self insert.”
Ben shot me a sickly grin. “The school refused to make her condition public.”
He prodded at his own cotton shirt embroidered with the school emblem.
“Why do you think she's made all these dumb rules? The woman is a certified Looney Tune.”
I nodded slowly. “Wait. What about Jake and his dad?”
“I made them up.”
I choked out a laugh. “And… the video?”
Ben walked faster, pulling out his phone and shoving it in my face. The video was real. Principal Marrow was walking around in circles, draped in her nightgown. “It's her own house,” he explained. “She locked herself out.”
Nodding slowly, I was in awe. Bloody Ben was kind of fucking amazing.
“But the restraining order isn't real.”
Ben raised a brow, coming to an abrupt halt. It was his smile that cemented his place in my gang. His lack of empathy for a woman he had gaslit into being a disgusting human being. Ben Callows wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but he fascinated me. Maybe for the wrong reasons. “Her filing cabinets are filled with tinned cat food, Panda,” he said with an exaggerated sigh, “I’m not psychic, but I thiiiiink we’ll be okay.”
I turned to him, unable to stop myself jumping up and down with excitement.
“Will you be my first?!”
Ben inclined his head. “Will I be your what?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. I mean, will you join my mystery gang?”
The boy’s eyes lit up, and I shoved him playfully.
“To solve real cases,” I corrected myself. “Not make them up.”
Ben wore a real, proper smile. But there was something in his eyes, a darkness that was so hollow and polluted and wrong, I pretended not to see it for the sake of his smarts and intellect. “Well, if you insist, sure!” Ben held out his hand, and I shook it. I'll be your first.”
We found our second member, who was, ironically, looking for her glasses under the table in class. Lucy Prescott, the quiet girl, was born to be with us.
The class eraser went missing, and she found it in the blink of an eye.
When questioned, Lucy’s face turned as red as her hair. “I asked everyone in the class and followed the clues to the last person who had it,” she pointed to Chase Simpson. “Which was Chase, who was throwing it at Marcus Calvin.”
Twisting around in my chair, I aimed to get Ben’s attention. But he was already looking at me, chin resting on his fist, eyes ignited with excitement.
The two of us cornered Lucy after class, and when she motioned for us to get back, I dragged Ben (who was a little too excited) to my side.
Lucy looked mildly horrified when I said, dangerous cases, though her expression pricked with intrigue.
She agreed, her gaze lingering on Ben, cheeks smouldering.
Our last two members were a surprise.
Violet Evergreen was what you would call popular on the middle school hierarchy. Not just because her mother was the mayor, but because Violet could get away with murder. The girl refused to wear the school uniform, coloring a single purple streak in her hair to cement herself as the it girl.
She was also one of the girls who started the Bloody Ben rumor.
Ben, Lucy, and I were sitting on the grass during recess, trying to come up with a name for our detective service, when Violet came storming over, hands planted on her hips. She was copying how her mother held herself during town meetings.
“What are you doing?” Violet demanded.
Lucy opened her mouth to answer, Ben nudging her to shut up.
“Making a mystery gang.” I told her. “Why?”
Violet inclined her head. “Oh.” She folded her arms. “Well, can I join?”
Ben stood up, stepping in front of the girl. Violet didn't move, stubbornly standing her ground. “Sure.” Ben flashed a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. He stepped closer to her, his smile widening. “If you can pass the test.”
Violet’s lip curled. She took a single step back. “What kind of test?”
Ben nodded to me. “Meet us at the swimming pool at 8pm.”
To my surprise, Violet nodded. “Do I need to bring anything?”
“Nope!”
8pm. The four of us met outside the local swimming pool.
Violet was already on the other side of the fence, waving.
“Hey guys!”
I noticed Ben’s expression, his eyes darkening, lip curling.
Still though, he maintained positivity, vaulting over the fence.
“You made it!”
I followed him, helping Lucy, who was immediately freaking out. I didn't blame her. The pool looked cold and dark, a hollow oblivion carved into the ground.
Ben and Violet stood on the edge, the two of them shoulder to shoulder.
Violet Evergreen was braver than I thought.
Standing with her arms at her sides, Violet's hands clenched into fists.
“What's the test?” Violet said, her gaze glued to bleeding black depths.
“I don't know,” Ben murmured, his voice teetering on a giggle. He leaned forwards, arms spread out. “I didn't think you'd actually come meet us.”
Violet hummed, stretching out her leg, teasing it across the surface. “Was that the test?”
The boy leaned back. I caught the glint of a grin under the floodlights. “Nah.”
Before I knew what was happening, he shoved Violet into the pool. The girl didn't scream or shriek, she just hit the surface, sinking into pitch dark nothing.
“Sink or swim,” Ben said in a low murmur, when Violet’s head bobbed under water. I could see her shadow under the surface, imagining the freezing cold depths pulling her down.
“Drown, and you can't join us.”
It was so quiet, suddenly. The three of us staring into rippling water.
A minute passed, and my tummy started to twist.
“Fuck.” Ben’s expression stayed stoic. I wasn't expecting him to say a bad word.
He cocked his head. “I thought she could swim.”
I hit him, holding in a cry. “You need to get our parents!”
But he didn't listen to me, taking a single step, and dropping into the pool.
I fell to my knees, scanning the water.
Lucy was crying. “Are they dead?!” she shrieked.
“Shhh!” I was watching two shadows lingering under the water.
Violet broke through. I expected her to be crying, but her expression was unwavering. She was silent. I thought the splashing underneath her was her legs trying and struggling to tread water, before Lucy shoved me. Hard.
“Panda! What do we do?!”
Looking closer, Violet was perfectly still, her gaze on the sky.
While she shoved Ben under the water, drowning him.
Violet’s eyes sparkled, and somehow, I knew she belonged in my gang.
Her gaze found mine, glinting with that darkness, that poisonous streak I found myself drawn to. It was a starving, insatiable need to understand a fractured mind. Know your enemy.
“Do you want to see if Ben’s a witch?” Violet asked me, her tone something else entirely. This girl did not make sense, using barely her finger to drown Ben Callows. I knew she was wrong.
I knew there was something loose, something unlocked and unbridled and drowning inside her mind and heart.
But I wanted more of her. I wanted Violet Evergreen in my detective gang.
I think that is why I stood there, frozen.
When the thrashing stopped, Ben broke through.
He wasn't coughing or spluttering, his head inclined. “You didn't drown.”
Violet climbed out of the pool, offering her hand. “And you're not a witch.”
He declined her hand, taking the steps instead.
I asked Violet in a shaky voice. I was trembling with terror, but I was excited.
Exhilarated.
“Violet, will you join my gang?”
She didn't answer me until we were sharing hot cocoa in my house.
I told Mom we fell in the pool, and she believed me. I should have told her that my friends were sociopaths, and I was kind of maybe in love. Violet sipped her cocoa, nodding with a smile I didn't recognise. Violet never smiled at school.
Well, she did. But it was always the prick of a cruel smirk.
I don't think her smile was genuine, but she was definitely enjoying herself.
Our last member came to us, instead of finding him.
Jules Howell, a straggly brunette pushed his way in front of me in the lunch line. I didn't really know the kid.
He sat at the back of the classroom and slept through most of class. I did like his accent though.
Jules had moved from Melbourne in the second grade. He didn't talk much.
When he did, I found myself enveloped in his voice, which sounded like water to me, a bleeding cadence to his tone.
Jules piled his plate with fries, smiling widely at the lunch ladies.
“I saw you last night.” He murmured through that perfectly moulded grin.
“Saw me where?”
“At the pool,” Jules said. “You, Bloody Ben, Violet Evergreen, and that Lucy girl. You were doing a suiciding pact.”
“That's not what we were doing.” I said, “What's a suiciding pact?”
“When you kill yourself together.” Jules said. “I saw it in a scary movie my Mom was watching.”
I grabbed a fork. “We weren't doing that.”
His eyes were strange when I took the time to notice them. The excited gleam had fizzled out. Jules’s hands tightened around his tray. “Then what were you doing?”
I didn't reply, making my way over to our usual table. Ben was already waving me over, Violet and Lucy holding up the flyers we were making.
THE REDBLOOD DETECTIVES.”
Do YOU need our help? We can find/solve anything! Contact us on the number below. (We take donations!)
When I bothered turning around, Jules was lost in the crowd of kids.
We were on our first official case, searching for Mrs Lake’s missing mail, when Jules appeared seemingly out of nowhere. And with him, a golden retriever puppy he introduced as Arlo.
It took a dog jumping up at them for Violet and Ben to find their real smiles, their real selves slowly seeping through these facades they had built around themselves. Ben dropped to a crouch, ruffling the dog's ears, his smile faint.
“Who's a good boy?” He chuckled.
Arlo didn't move, tail wagging, eyes bright.
Ben motioned the dog towards him, but Arlo stayed put.
Jules joined us…quietly.
I don't remember asking him, or even him asking me.
He just became part of us, side by side with Arlo.
We soon came to quickly realize that our town was boring.
There were no monsters or thieves, or soul sucking demons. No criminals or serial killers. Not even one missing person. We did, however, get calls about missing cats. I turned eleven years old, patiently waiting for a murder or a kid going missing. But there was nothing.
All we did was chase cats, and the occasional dog. Maybe a budgie if we were lucky. Twelve years old, our detective club became a joke.
The five of us (and Arlo hiding under the table) were trying to pinpoint Mrs Tracy's lost hamster, when three girls came over, dumping their soda all over us.
We watched crime shows for inspiration on catching killers.
Ben’s favorite crime was one that happened in the 80’s in our town.
2 girls murdered.
Their intestines stuffed into envelopes and mailed to family members.
“That's what we should be solving,” he told me one night, “Not missing cats.”
Thirteen years old, we lay in Violet’s backyard under the cruel glare of the summer sun. We called it working and didn't like to admit it was hanging out, or that we were even friends. However.
That didn't stop us growing closer.
Even if it wasn't quite the way I’d expected.
I proposed a plan, standing up, wobbling a little off balance.
“I've got it.” I said, my voice kinda slurry from Violet’s special summer cocktail, which was just random alcoholic beverages we found, thrown into a blender, and diluted with water.
The town wasn't taking us seriously.
So, we were going to make our own mysteries.
I ordered a full-scale assault on our small town. One that they could not ignore. Ben stamped on Mrs Mason’s flowers, and Lucy threw mud pies at people's cars. Jules trashed the high school gym, and Violet and I spray painted threats and warnings on every store window. Now, this did cause panic, but also an official curfew.
Thirty minutes before curfew, we met in our usual spot, deep in the forest near the lake. Ben yelled at me when I was three minutes late. He was real passionate about finding a real mystery.
“You're late.” Ben was sitting on a rock waving a stick in Arlo’s face.
The dog still wasn't going near him, whining softly.
I took my place, muttering an apology. “I had to lie to my Mom.”
Violet, sitting with her legs crossed, idly digging her manicure into the dirt, suggested we buy mannequins and masquerade them as dead bodies, hanging them from the school rafters.
Lucy, who had slowly grown out of her shell, becoming a lot more outspoken, nudged her. “That's a stupid idea.”
The girl groaned, leaning into her. “Urgh. You're right.”
Jules was the only energetic one, standing on the tireswing.
He jumped down, definitely twisting his ankle.
But his smile only widened, kind of like he enjoyed being in pain.
“Why don't we pretend to be kidnapped?” He said, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over blondish curls growing out. Jules did a dramatic spin, his eyes shining. “We can ‘go missing’ for like a week, and then when our parents are really scared, we can turn up, and tell them we escaped a kidnapping.” His lips split into a grin.
“And then we solve our own kidnapping!”
Ben awkwardly patted Arlos head, only for the dog to pull away with a snort.
“I like it,” he murmured. “I'm in.”
Jules’s idea was stupid.
But.
It was worth a shot.
The five of us agreed to meet the morning after with enough food and supplies for a week. Then we were going to hike to the next town, and hide out for a week. It was an almost perfect plan, using ourselves as victims of our own mystery.
Packing as much as I could, I kissed my mother goodbye (I told her my pack was for a picnic) and set off to the rendezvous we agreed on.
When I arrived, I was the first one there. I checked and re-checked my pack.
I waited ten minutes, unable to contain my excitement.
Then 20 minutes.
It was getting kind of cold.
One hour.
I sat on a rock for enough time to watch the sky change color.
When the clouds were orange, I stood up and stumbled back home. They had gone without me. Mom lectured me when I got home, and I stuck to the plan of pretending my friends had gone missing, even if I they had betrayed me.
Ben said he'd text me when he arrived at the redervous. I at least expected him to text an explanation, but there was nothing. I was in the dark, and after three days of nothing, our town finally began to take us seriously.
“Our children have been kidnapped!” The adults were screaming.
Mom was crying in the kitchen, praying to a god I knew she didn't believe in that I wasn't taken next. I was interviewed and stuck with the exact same story I came up with when I was with the others. Our plan was to return after a week, claiming to be locked up in a dark room with a masked man.
I told my Mother and the other parents that I didn't know where my friends were, repeating the same thing over and over again until I was tongue tied.
“I saw them the day before they went missing, and… yes, everything seemed okay.” I slowly sipped my glass of milk provided, looking the sheriff directly in the eyes.
“No, I didn't notice anything suspicious, sheriff. Yes, I'm sure, sir. No, they didn't tell me anything.”
It was Ben’s mother who shattered my mask.
“Did I know about… what?” I whispered.
Something warm filled the back of my mouth, foul tasting milk erupting up my throat. I leaned forward, trying to look Mrs Callows in the eye. “No, I… I didn't know about Ben’s…condition.”
Mrs Callows was screaming at me about her son’s troubled past when I barfed all over myself, my eyes burning.
In the privacy of my own room, I sobbed until I couldn't breathe.
I tried to tell Mom, but we had come so close.
One more day, and the others would be back.
But that day came. I sat cross legged at our usual spot, which was now covered in police tape. I waited for their thudding footsteps, their laughter congratulating each other for coming up with a great plan. I waited, my face buried in my knees, for my friends.
It was dark when my phone vibrated, and I'd fallen asleep.
I wasn't scared, forcing myself to my feet.
“Where are you?” Mom yelled down the phone.
“Coming home now.” I muttered.
“Sorry.” I paused, holding my breath against a cry. “Mom.” I broke down, forcing my fist into my mouth to hide my squeak. “Mommy, did they come back?”
Mom didn't reply for a moment.
“I'm so sorry, baby.” She whispered, ending the call.
I took my time walking home that night.
There were no stars in the sky.
When a hand clamped over my mouth, I could smell him.
When he dragged me back, stabbing a kitchen knife into my throat, I stared at the sky and looked for stars. His arms were warm around me, violently pulling me into the back of a pickup truck. The pickup truck he'd said he was bringing.
It was his grandfather's, and he could just about drive it.
Hitting the backseat, my body was numb, my thoughts in a whirlwind.
The pickup flew forwards, and I remembered how to move.
I rolled off the seat, my hands pinned behind my back.
Twisting around, blinking in the dim, I could feel something warm, something seeping across upholstery seats. Blood.
It was everywhere, sticky on my hands and wet on my face when I struggled to get up. I was lying in someone's blood.
A scream clawed its way out of my throat.
The pickup flew over a pothole, and something dropped off the seat.
Arlo’s leash.
I screamed again, this time his name gritted between my teeth.
I didn't stop screaming until the jerking movement stopped. The doors opened, pale light hitting me in the face.
Flashlight. Warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me from the car, and then, pulling me by my hair, into our old tree house. It was always our secret place, our saving grace on the edge of town.
The flickering candlelight caught me off guard, illuminating my surroundings.
Two bodies slumped over each other, lying in stemming red.
I felt suffocated, like I was going to die. I screamed, and that warm hand cradled my mouth again, gagging my cries.
Violet and Jules.
There was something wrong with them. And it was only when I forced myself to look closer, when I realized their insides had been carved out, heart, stomach, everything, pulled out.
There was paper on the floor.
No, not paper. Envelopes.
Envelopes stuffed with gore, bright red leaking through white.
Shuffling back, my brain was too slow to react, while my body was trying to vault to my feet, only to be violently pulled back by my ponytail.
I felt his fingers twining around my hair, revelling in my screams.
With another tug, my head was forced forwards.
Orange candlelight felt almost homely, this time lighting up a third body.
Lying on their back, curled up, pooling scarlet dried into the floorboards, their wrists restricted with duct-tape.
I could feel blood underneath me, sticky, a congealing paste.
“Do you know what happened on October 3rd, 1987, in our town?”
Lucy Prescott stood over me, her arms folded across her chest.
I managed to shake my head, when she grabbed Ben’s legs, dragging him under the candlelight. I dazedly watched her stroke the blade of a carving knife, the teeth already stained scarlet. “The intestine murders.” Lucy hummed, tracing the knife down the floorboards.
“A man murdered two high school girls, carving out their insides and sending their pieces to their loved ones.”
Lucy's eyes found mine, ignited in a familiar gleam. I saw it in Principal Marrow’s office. Then the swimming pool. The cafeteria. “It was the sheriff's only murder case, Panda. Ever since then, our town has been boring. There's no mysteries to solve. Nothing to find.”
The girl jumped to her feet, retrieving a blood stained envelope.
She held it up, a smile curved on her lips. The girl turned around, and I heard a horrific squelching sound. Lucy held up a bright red sausage, ripped into it, and slipped it into the white paper.
“But I can change that.” she said, in a giggle.
“I can create a real serial killer, who we can hunt down together.”
Lucy stabbed the blade into the floor, laughing.
“Or! I can bring a fan-favorite back! I can bring the intestine killer back from the dead!”
Her gaze flicked to the others. “There are casualties, of course. The story is, I was kidnapped with Ben, Violet, and Jules. The scary intestine killer killed them, and I managed to get away.”
Lucy shuffled over to me, her eyes wide. “Then! He came back and struck again!”
With those words, she shoved me onto my back.
“First he took Violet,” Lucy hummed, tracing the blade down my shirt.
“Then… Jules.” I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling at the restraints around my wrists. “Then Ben.” her breath tickled my cheek. “And finally… Panda.”
Lucy lifted the knife, and I accepted my death.
Until a low rumble in my ears.
Shouting.
Thundering footsteps, followed by the pitter-patter of paws.
“Lucy!” The sheriff was screaming, and the girl stumbled to her feet, the knife slipping from her fingers. Lucy stumbled, tripping over Ben’s body.
“He got away!” she shrieked. “He…he killed them! Oh, god, please help me!”
I don't think Lucy even realised the traces she'd left behind.
The blood slick on her fingers, her manic, grinning smile full of mania.
I was looking for stars when an officer crouched over me.
I couldn't understand what she was saying.
Her voice was white noise.
“Rachel? Hey, try and sit up, honey. You Mom is on her way.”
Instead of listening to her, I curled into myself.
My gaze found Arlo sticking his nose in Ben’s hair, trying to nudge the boy awake.
I didn't fully register the next few days.
They went by in a confusing blur.
Part of me tried to eat, and spent hours with my head pressed against the toilet seat.
I could still see the slithering, scarlet remains of my friends every time I closed my eyes. There was so much red, soaked in that hunting orange light.
Blood that I could still see, a starless sky that stretched on forever.
Weeks went by.
Then months.
I think I turned 14. I wasn't sure. I didn't feel alive anymore.
I stood at my friend’s funerals with a single rose I dropped into their casket.
Violet’s mother was quick to cover the whole thing up.
Lucy's plan didn't work after all.
Our town’s murder cases stayed stagnant at one.
It's been four years since my friends were murdered by our ’Velma’.
Now, at seventeen, Mom asked if I wanted to visit Lucy in juvie.
I'm not even upset or angry anymore.
I want to know why.
Ben picked me up. Arlo was at his side, wagging his tail.
Ben was…different. He'd dumped his baseball cap and gotten a haircut, swapping his old wardrobe of drab colors for an attempt at changing style.
That day, he looked awkward in a short sleeved tee and shorts.
At school, Ben is no longer Bloody Ben.
Now, he is Survivor Ben.
I’m still Panda.
Every time I was with him, I felt like my soul was being sucked out.
Guilt so deep, so fucking painful, I lost my breath.
I live knowing that I immediately assumed it was him that day.
Ben was barely alive when I found him. Lucy had started to carve into him before remembering she needed me.
After admitting it to him, his lips formed a small smile.
“Can I tell you a secret?” He said to me, at sixteen.
"Yeah?"
Whatever he was going to say, Ben never told me.
Presently, I nodded at the dog’s new collar.
“Peppa Pig themed?”
The boy shrugged, ruffling Arlo’s ears. “FYI, he chose it.”
“It's cute.” I said. “Very… chic.”
We didn't speak the whole ride, but Ben did entangle his hand in mine.
We spent half an hour outside the detention centre. I was panicking, and Ben was trying to hide that he was panicking. In the end, we joined hands, and strode through the doors together.
Lucy greeted us with a wide smile. Just as psychotic.
The orange jumpsuit suited her, though I had zero idea why.
“Hey Arlo!” she giggled at the dog, and Ben pulled the pup onto his lap.
“Ben.” She sighed. “I wish I got to finish you. I would have loved to solve the mystery of your gutted corpse.”
Ben’s smile was wry. “Nice to see you too.”
Behind a glass screen, I asked Lucy one simple question.
“Why?”
Lucy didn't reply. Or she did, but it was just nonsensical bullshit.
But there was one thing she said has stuck with me, chilling me to the core.
I am fucking terrified of Lucy. Of what's she's done, and what she's capable of doing.
It was a throwaway line, and I don't even think Ben noticed.
Or he did, and was in denial.
Lucy's smile was wide, her eyes empty pools of nothing.
The exact same glint in Ben’s eyes.
Jules’s eyes.
Violet’s eyes.
Like something was gnawing away at their psyche, twisting and contorting it, filling them with darkness, poison, that was so vast, so endless, I had craved it as a child. I still don't know what it is.
But I'm going to find it.
Lucy's laugh was shrill, and next to me, Ben didn't move a muscle.
But he did smile.
Yes, my gang were psychos.
But I kind of maybe loved it.
“I don't even wear glasses!”

It's been on my mind. I was previously emotionally abused by someone else in the past (PTSD after effects) but I can't bring this subject up to my therapist. I don't want something to happen. Like I said, I've been thinking about it for a while. For some context, I'm 17. Sorry if this is a weird post, I just need to ask someone. Ask questions, I'll answer.
When I was growing up, I think I was physically abused. Not to a terrible extent. Just some bad experiences. Like my mom used to put me under really cold water in the bathtub, kinda half drowning me. She'd also use to beat me. She once beat me so hard at the one sleepover I had as a kid I wasn't able to breathe. That and some other stuff. No permanent scarring, though. I remember scratching "mommy hurts us" into a bed frame. She'd also use to berate me in front of people, not sure why. I remember not getting an award from elementary school and she brought it up to my teachers and called me a failure or something. I know my dad told me he takes this tobacco things because he's stressed. Because of me? He also called me and my brother "a little shit" growing up. I remember my mom hit me with a knife and told me it was my fault for being bad. Anyways, I think... I think I was abused while growing up? I'm not sure.
During covid, so like my pre-teen years, it was kinda hellish. My parents and my brother would fight a lot and it would get physical. My brother is younger than me, so I guess it's weird they'd do that. They'd tell me and him to kill ourselves and whatever. I try not to remember. I wanted to run away and get emancipated and stuff like that. I remember telling and showing my friends an experience and their reaction was them being extremely off put. This was around the time of when I was getting abused by the previously mentioned person, so my memories are kinda bad. Sorry. I'll try to remember and add onto this.
I remember that when I was starting therapy and stuff my doctor asked if my parents were abusing me. She asked if I was scared of them and stuff like that. I answered no.
My mom is pretty much verbally abusive. I'm not sure about emotionally, she's never told me she was going to kill herself if I didn't do something. She did tell me growing up she wanted to kill herself because of me, though. I don't know if that counts. I've had some weird experiences with my parents, I guess. I know they can be weird sometimes. I'll pull up lists of abusive traits and see if that jogs my memory.

• "Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating." Yeah. My mom does this. To her I'm just a failure. I remember a couple days ago when she saw me bring something to my room (which she assumed was to hurt myself with) she laughed and asked about the scars and was just laughing about it.
  
• "Calling names and making negative comparisons to others." She did this earlier today, I think. I'm "aloo", a potato, zero. She says I make her look bad in comparison to other people and their children.
  
• "Telling a child they’re “no good,” “worthless,” “bad,” or “a mistake.”" Begrudgingly, yeah. I'm a bad child, to my parents. Maybe I am? But that's something for another day.
  
• "Limiting physical contact with a child—no hugs, kisses, or other signs of affection." Probably just our asian culture, this doesn't happen. But it's also weird how my dad doesn't really say "I love you", my mom does sometimes. Maybe that's just asian culture though.
  
• "Exposing a child to violence against others, whether it is against the other parent, a sibling, or even a pet." Yeah, to my brother. He has it worse.
  
• "never saying anything kind, expressing positive feelings or congratulating a child on successes" Yeaaah... I won an award for something a little bit ago and my mom was mad that I only got one award.
  
• "shaming" a bit vague but I would say a little bit. My mom does this in front of my friends and kinda always has.
  
• "Blaming" also vague but helllll yeah. its all my fault, i guess ive internalized it enough to actually believe it though lol
  
• "Ridiculing" i dont think this comes from a place of love.
  

Also they're kicking me out as soon as I turn 18, if that means anything. Maybe that's just american culture? My parents can be nice sometimes, I guess. I used to cry to her a little. Maybe like four times in the last couple of years? They pay for my stuff and let me live with them. My room is full of stuff. I don't think I'm neglected.
I've told one of my friends about this. He thinks I'm being abused and says I'm excusing my parents behaviors and stuff.
When I see other parents, I feel so weird. My parents aren't like that. I think I described other parents as "so nice" in comparison to mine. Like, actually caring about your feelings? That's actually so crazy.
Anyways yeah, ask me questions and i'll answer. I don't know if i should add more or less? Thanks for reading

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We separated for a few months 2 years ago, but when we got back together everything went back to the way it was supposed to be.
When we broke up, we were in a bad place. His behavior changed a bit while I was away (we’re from different countries) and that freaked me out and I got paranoid. I’ll admit I got controlling, jealous and emotional, and overly sensitive. He became extremely blunt and did some stuff that hurt me. This behavior (on both parts) went on for a year until he decided to break it off. While I couldn’t bring myself to do it, it needed to be done.
One of the things I struggled with the most during our rough patch was his lying. He lied about everything, no matter how small or big it was, and it created tons of trust issues. Now that we’ve been back together, everything seems to be great, until today.
Due to his behavior and actions during our rough time, some girls he used to hang out with I don’t love. I’ve told him multiple times I’d prefer if he didn’t see them anymore and he says he never texts or talks or sees them ever. He went to a music festival in Charleston yesterday, and he told me he was going with the “discord guys”, which are a bunch of guys from our college and some more friends. He never told me if he got there ok, or who he was staying with, nothing. We texted a bit this morning, Charleston never came up then he didn’t text me back for like 10 hours. I found out through instagram he was with these girls at the concert all day today. When he finally texted back he said it was just him and a couple of other guys at the concert. I asked again and he added a couple more people. When I kept pushing and being more specific he finally told me those girls were there too.
I asked him why he would lie or hide it from me and he says he didn’t, he told me. I said he had told me only when being pushed and put pressure on but if I hadn’t he wouldn’t have told me. He said that why would he tell me knowing he’s just trying to have a good time with his friend and didn’t want to deal with my non sense shit.
This hurt really bad, one because he doesn’t care about how I feel about these girls and two because he lied about who he was with in order to avoid an argument with me.
I love this man dearly, probably too much but the lying just kills me. I have put up with it so much in the past that no matter how little it might be the lie about i just can’t take it. It hurts so bad, and we’re just not compatible but I can’t seem to let go of this guy. I’m terrified of losing him but I can’t do the lying and stuff. What do I do? How do I do it? I might sound stupid but I seriously cannot physically let go, even thinking about it hurts so what’s your advice? Am I wrong for not being able to let go of him?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We separated for a few months 2 years ago, but when we got back together everything went back to the way it was supposed to be.
When we broke up, we were in a bad place. His behavior changed a bit while I was away (we’re from different countries) and that freaked me out and I got paranoid. I’ll admit I got controlling, jealous and emotional, and overly sensitive. He became extremely blunt and did some stuff that hurt me. This behavior (on both parts) went on for a year until he decided to break it off. While I couldn’t bring myself to do it, it needed to be done.
One of the things I struggled with the most during our rough patch was his lying. He lied about everything, no matter how small or big it was, and it created tons of trust issues. Now that we’ve been back together, everything seems to be great, until today.
Due to his behavior and actions during our rough time, some girls he used to hang out with I don’t love. I’ve told him multiple times I’d prefer if he didn’t see them anymore and he says he never texts or talks or sees them ever. He went to a music festival in Charleston yesterday, and he told me he was going with the “discord guys”, which are a bunch of guys from our college and some more friends. He never told me if he got there ok, or who he was staying with, nothing. We texted a bit this morning, Charleston never came up then he didn’t text me back for like 10 hours. I found out through instagram he was with these girls at the concert all day today. When he finally texted back he said it was just him and a couple of other guys at the concert. I asked again and he added a couple more people. When I kept pushing and being more specific he finally told me those girls were there too.
I asked him why he would lie or hide it from me and he says he didn’t, he told me. I said he had told me only when being pushed and put pressure on but if I hadn’t he wouldn’t have told me. He said that why would he tell me knowing he’s just trying to have a good time with his friend and didn’t want to deal with my non sense shit.
This hurt really bad, one because he doesn’t care about how I feel about these girls and two because he lied about who he was with in order to avoid an argument with me.
I love this man dearly, probably too much but the lying just kills me. I have out yo with it so much in the past that no matter how little it might be the lie about i just can’t take it. It hurts so bad, and we’re just not compatible but I can’t seem to let go of this guy. I’m terrified of losing him but I can’t do the lying and stuff. What do I do? How do I do it? I might sound stupid but I seriously cannot physically let go, even thinking about it hurts so what’s your advice?

all names used are fakeI (20f) have been dating Nick (25m) for nearly a year and a half now. Our relationship had an interesting start after our first night meeting having been in a threesome with him and another girl. We ended up getting close however I was hesitant to date at first and kept the relationship casual for a few months before officially dating because of this we didn’t make any big announcement and not many people know we are together. We have very similar personalities and find that I can be myself around him. A few months into dating I moved into his house with 3 other housemates who have become my closest friends. Nick is a good boyfriend but isn’t very romantic- he’s the type that gives off tough guy energy but is actually a marshmallow on the inside. In the past few months I’ve felt like a lack of effort from him in the way of making dates, asking to do things ect. Even at the start he didn’t do much of this but it was something.
Now I will back track a little to talk about Blake (20m). I met Blake in December of 2022. He was a new employee at the company I work for(office style work) however we worked in a different offices - same small city. We didn’t have our first real conversation until February of 23 at a work event where we completely clicked. He gives off big golden retriever energy. I have majority male friends and it was nice to have another friend I could talk to. At this point it was purely just friends but I did find him somewhat attractive and found myself to starting emotional attach. We would hang out every now and then and would help pick me up when I was stressed or down but it never went past friendship, that is until 3 weeks ago.
3 weeks ago we had a social work event which involved day drinking which we know never goes well. Im not a big drinker so I was fine most of the day just enjoying being social and everyone being dressed up nicely. Blake over the past 6 months had started going to gym and lost a bit of weight so seeing him in a nice suit really caught my attention. Throughout the day it was a running joke that Blake liked a girl at the event (not within our work group) and was using a code name for her but was nervous to be rejected. I spent a good amount of the day with him walking around trying to find this other girl and egging him on to talk to her. He said he wanted me to come because I would make her jealous. I told him straight up that doesn’t work on girls and she is just going to get upset. He kinda shrugged it off and we went back to talking about something else. Later in the afternoon we got back on topic of the girl. Now I won’t lie, I knew what I was doing when I asked these questions. I asked why did you think I’d make her jealous and he turned to me and said I mean look at you anyone would be lucky to have you. At that point I didn’t really know what to say and sort of played it off and went back to the group.
His words kept ringing in my ears and once I had gotten home I messaged asking what everything was about and he completely opened up and told me he’s liked me since February but didn’t want to say anything because of work and the girl at the event was actually me. I told him that I felt the same and he asked if he could take me on a date. The next day we went to lunch. I kid you not this man came to my house to pick me up, opened all of my doors, paid for lunch(even tho I offered to spilt it), took me to the beach and told me everything about the way he feels about me and how he wants to get this right. My heart was half melting on the floor and half burning from guilt. We agreed to keep things private for the time being and discussed the people we may tell (two of my close work friends and one of his). When we told them they said they all saw it coming and were happy for us but just to be careful. I have never dated a colleague before so I made sure to check our contracts and there is nothing to say we can’t be together.
Now this is where I am stuck. In the three weeks leading up to today Blake and I were spending lot of time together - going to lunch’s, gym, movie nights at his place ect but I want to make it clear that nothing sexual has happened between the two of us just kissing. Yesterday Blake took me to the beach and he told me he didn’t care what other people think and that I am his dream girl and he’s not going to let work get in the way and let me be the one that got away. I have never had someone that is so open and honest about the way he feels, on top of princess treatment. I have always felt like more of a sexual object to men and that is how my previous partners appreciated me. I asked him how am I your dream girl and he explained that I was kind and considerate and made him feel like he could be himself and admired my determination (I am new to my work industry and have been pushing really hard to prove my worth which has definitely paid off). I explained that it threw me off a little as most guys comment on my looks first. He said it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate those things as well but it’s about you as a person. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I was filled with a mix of emotions. Excitement, disappointment, fear. We joked about how we would tell our boss when it feel like the right time and he took me home.
Now I lie in bed next to Nick not knowing what to do. I care so much about Nick and he does look after me but I don’t feel like a partner to him. I know it’s not always greener on the other side but I have never had someone like Blake and the way he treats me. Maybe my standards are low idk but I can’t keep doing this to both of them. If I leave Nick I would need to find a home and potentially loose my friends but I don’t know if Blake is worth giving all of that up for.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do and how to go about it? I know I got myself into this mess and I have no one else to blame but I just don’t know what to do.

Hi. Idk which kind of flair fits this post. I honestly just want to vent out my feelings. I'm not sure if I actively want to try "discovering" myself anymore.
I've been bisexual for a long time. Been through the cycles and everything. But my attraction for women is different from my attraction towards men so I decided to explore that.
And that lead to an entire denial episode about being raised a Christian, being gay, and wishing that I had loved women my whole life instead of men.
I don't hate men though... I think in some ways, I still find them attractive. But yeah.
"Gay" is a very nice word even though I know I don't fit the definition 100%. I'm scared to call myself a "lesbian", I think that'd be pretty offensive since I still kinda like guys I guess.
Even when I identified as bisexual, it never fit me perfectly.
My denial has been very hilarious, I might add. I never had such a visceral reaction towards an LGBT label in my life. I don't even think the bisexual label gave me such a huge amount of anger and frustration. I'm sure you can have gay denial as a bisexual person though.
But to make matters worse, I've never been sexual with a woman. I've dated two girls back in school- one in middle school and the other in high school. The rest of my relationships with women were long-distance. Sometimes I wonder if I'm kidding myself. Like, is it possible to know you like women if you're never done anything physical with a woman? Maybe I'm lying to myself.
Neither of those girls back in school kissed me either. Both of them were bisexual and in the middle of an abusive relationship with their boyfriends. My guess is that they were trying to escape or something.
There's a part of me that wants to be with a woman because I love women and another part of me that needs to know, with absolutely certainty, if I love women.
Looking back at the girlfriends that I did have though fills me with a sad warmth. It's different than looking back at my boyfriends which just makes me feel kinda empty inside lol. That could just be a matter of bad relationships with guys though.
I wonder how to women find other women to date... But maybe it's best if I don't date like this. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with a woman. xD But the idea of being with a woman fills my body up with this weird special feeling... not sure if that's normal or not. Or maybe I'm being dramatic and I'm actually straight.
At the same time, I've struggled in seeing myself with a woman long-term, probably because of my childhood.
Well, there's a lot of confusion in this post. I don't know... I was browsing reddit and the description seemed to fit my situation so I made the post.