Adjectives describing dreams

I had a trippy dream last night which was narrated by what I would describe as an angelic intelligence. This intelligence was showing me that there are carbon discs which hold 100 years of earth data on them each, and that there are 50 discs in total. They emphasized that many erroneously assume silica is the material to hold data but in fact carbon has the specific properties required to hold an immense amount of data. These discs hold literally the entire history of a century on each one.. like all consciousness, events, thoughts, etc. Being that there were 50 discs it was conveyed to me that the earth is only 5000 years old. Obviously a) this was a dream and b) science says the earth is billions of years old, BUT it got me thinking… what if in fact the earth is like a terrarium / aquarium pet cage habitat that the “aliens”/gods set up recently-ish, say 5000 years ago… but added decor (fossil records) and false memories / historical narratives to in order to convince us it’s all REALLY really old. Kind of like an elaborate scheme to basically cover their tracks that in fact this is a relatively newly established experiment / ant farm / battery installation. Ramifications if this were true? I promise I have not done drugs.

Hello, to preface this post, I am not very familiar with Reddit and am using a throwaway account as to keep this anonymous. I will likely try posting this in other subreddits to try and hear thoughts from a wider range of users. I apologize in advance if this post doesn't match exactly to how people normally use this forum.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about some experiences I had during my life from my childhood until now (I am 20). I never really questioned most of this stuff and just assumed that the things I would experience were common and ones that everyone else around me could relate to. It wasn't until more recently when most friends I spoke to about any of this stuff thought this was somewhat abnormal or they couldn't exactly understand what I was trying to describe. So, under this paragraph, I am going to outline some mental phenomena I used to (or still do) experience. If anyone can relate to or have some better understanding for what these things are, I would really appreciate a response.
I regularly experienced vivid night terrors as a young child, some that I still remember well to this day. I would sometimes wake up screaming in my sleep or roll off my bed. I would often sleep walk throughout my home in the night, and would also have nights where I would experience a half-asleep half-awake state of consciousness in which I would pace around in circles in my bedroom or living room while imagining that my dreams were connected to real life. As an example: The night after watching the movie Gravity in theaters (I was 9 years old), I sleep walked into the living room. I then woke into this trance-like state where I paced around in circles with anxiety for what felt like hours and hours as I was convinced that I was being sent to space and that I would die. Just to note- I also experienced sleep paralysis a couple times in which I would awake with a completely numb body, unable to move, with a shadowy figure standing in my doorway. These night terrors eventually went away, and they stopped around middle school. Around that time, I began experiencing very common and easy to achieve lucid dreams, both on purpose and accident.
Very often, after looking at an object for long enough, I would begin to feel that the object was either much smaller than it really was, or that it was a large object further away than it really was. By this, I don't mean that objects were literally larger or smaller in my vision. Rather that they were distorting in size while also distorting in distance from my eyes in order to maintain the same amount of space in my field of view. This would often happen in school while staring at boards, papers, or teachers. It was often very disorientating and dizzying. I could only usually make my perception return to normal after closing my eyes for long enough. Otherwise, my vision would distort more, and everything would feel strangely far away. This is something that I experienced more as a kid, but still occasionally feel even today.
In a similar vein to these visual distortions, I also occasionally experienced mild time distortions. (This is difficult to describe, so bear with me.) Also as a kid, hearing and focusing in on a particular tempo visually and auditorily (like tapping my finger at a constant interval) would cause time to feel as if it was moving significantly faster. It feels like the tapping is happening really slowly while the world around me moved faster, making me feel really anxious. This didn't happen very often, and would usually correlate to the night terrors I would have (feeling much longer than they actually were). This is something I do not experience anymore and haven't since middle school.
I also experienced a couple rare episodes of dissociation growing up. They felt pretty severe to me, feeling like I wasn't in control of my body or mind, like I was watching from far away, and everything felt cloudy and fuzzy. One in particular was very intense, and just lasted for one day- ending with me becoming severely ill and throwing up all over the place.
Nowadays I don't experience much of these things. The only real mental struggles I feel now are high social anxiety, often avoiding places and people so that I don't have to interact. College friends regularly mention to me that they walk past me and that I see them but never say hi, and I almost never realize that I had stared straight at people I know. I often feel like I walk around everyday without recognizing or even seeing people's faces, even ones close to me.
There are a couple other habits I had as a kid that might warrant looking into, but they are things I didn't want to really get into here. If anyone has any insight or shares these experiences, please comment, I'd love to hear! Looking back at all this stuff is strange and a little worrying at times, so any thoughts are appreciated! Thank you for reading this. :)

Hello, to preface this post, I am not very familiar with Reddit and am using a throwaway account as to keep this anonymous. I will likely try posting this in other subreddits to try and hear thoughts from a wider range of users. I apologize in advance if this post doesn't match exactly to how people normally use this forum.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about some experiences I had during my life from my childhood until now (I am 20). I never really questioned most of this stuff and just assumed that the things I would experience were common and ones that everyone else around me could relate to. It wasn't until more recently when most friends I spoke to about any of this stuff thought this was somewhat abnormal or they couldn't exactly understand what I was trying to describe. So, under this paragraph, I am going to outline some mental phenomena I used to (or still do) experience. If anyone can relate to or have some better understanding for what these things are, I would really appreciate a response.
I regularly experienced vivid night terrors as a young child, some that I still remember well to this day. I would sometimes wake up screaming in my sleep or roll off my bed. I would often sleep walk throughout my home in the night, and would also have nights where I would experience a half-asleep half-awake state of consciousness in which I would pace around in circles in my bedroom or living room while imagining that my dreams were connected to real life. As an example: The night after watching the movie Gravity in theaters (I was 9 years old), I sleep walked into the living room. I then woke into this trance-like state where I paced around in circles with anxiety for what felt like hours and hours as I was convinced that I was being sent to space and that I would die. Just to note- I also experienced sleep paralysis a couple times in which I would awake with a completely numb body, unable to move, with a shadowy figure standing in my doorway. These night terrors eventually went away, and they stopped around middle school. Around that time, I began experiencing very common and easy to achieve lucid dreams, both on purpose and accident.
Very often, after looking at an object for long enough, I would begin to feel that the object was either much smaller than it really was, or that it was a large object further away than it really was. By this, I don't mean that objects were literally larger or smaller in my vision. Rather that they were distorting in size while also distorting in distance from my eyes in order to maintain the same amount of space in my field of view. This would often happen in school while staring at boards, papers, or teachers. It was often very disorientating and dizzying. I could only usually make my perception return to normal after closing my eyes for long enough. Otherwise, my vision would distort more, and everything would feel strangely far away. This is something that I experienced more as a kid, but still occasionally feel even today.
In a similar vein to these visual distortions, I also occasionally experienced mild time distortions. (This is difficult to describe, so bear with me.) Also as a kid, hearing and focusing in on a particular tempo visually and auditorily (like tapping my finger at a constant interval) would cause time to feel as if it was moving significantly faster. It feels like the tapping is happening really slowly while the world around me moved faster, making me feel really anxious. This didn't happen very often, and would usually correlate to the night terrors I would have (feeling much longer than they actually were). This is something I do not experience anymore and haven't since middle school.
I also experienced a couple rare episodes of dissociation growing up. They felt pretty severe to me, feeling like I wasn't in control of my body or mind, like I was watching from far away, and everything felt cloudy and fuzzy. One in particular was very intense, and just lasted for one day- ending with me becoming severely ill and throwing up all over the place.
Nowadays I don't experience much of these things. The only real mental struggles I feel now are high social anxiety, often avoiding places and people so that I don't have to interact. College friends regularly mention to me that they walk past me and that I see them but never say hi, and I almost never realize that I had stared straight at people I know. I often feel like I walk around everyday without recognizing or even seeing people's faces, even ones close to me.
There are a couple other habits I had as a kid that might warrant looking into, but they are things I didn't want to really get into here. If anyone has any insight or shares these experiences, please comment, I'd love to hear! Looking back at all this stuff is strange and a little worrying at times, so any thoughts are appreciated! Thank you for reading this. :)

Hello, to preface this post, I am not very familiar with Reddit and am using a throwaway account as to keep this anonymous. I will likely try posting this in other subreddits to try and hear thoughts from a wider range of users. I apologize in advance if this post doesn't match exactly to how people normally use this forum.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about some experiences I had during my life from my childhood until now (I am 20). I never really questioned most of this stuff and just assumed that the things I would experience were common and ones that everyone else around me could relate to. It wasn't until more recently when most friends I spoke to about any of this stuff thought this was somewhat abnormal or they couldn't exactly understand what I was trying to describe. So, under this paragraph, I am going to outline some mental phenomena I used to (or still do) experience. If anyone can relate to or have some better understanding for what these things are, I would really appreciate a response.
I regularly experienced vivid night terrors as a young child, some that I still remember well to this day. I would sometimes wake up screaming in my sleep or roll off my bed. I would often sleep walk throughout my home in the night, and would also have nights where I would experience a half-asleep half-awake state of consciousness in which I would pace around in circles in my bedroom or living room while imagining that my dreams were connected to real life. As an example: The night after watching the movie Gravity in theaters (I was 9 years old), I sleep walked into the living room. I then woke into this trance-like state where I paced around in circles with anxiety for what felt like hours and hours as I was convinced that I was being sent to space and that I would die. Just to note- I also experienced sleep paralysis a couple times in which I would awake with a completely numb body, unable to move, with a shadowy figure standing in my doorway. These night terrors eventually went away, and they stopped around middle school. Around that time, I began experiencing very common and easy to achieve lucid dreams, both on purpose and accident.
Very often, after looking at an object for long enough, I would begin to feel that the object was either much smaller than it really was, or that it was a large object further away than it really was. By this, I don't mean that objects were literally larger or smaller in my vision. Rather that they were distorting in size while also distorting in distance from my eyes in order to maintain the same amount of space in my field of view. This would often happen in school while staring at boards, papers, or teachers. It was often very disorientating and dizzying. I could only usually make my perception return to normal after closing my eyes for long enough. Otherwise, my vision would distort more, and everything would feel strangely far away. This is something that I experienced more as a kid, but still occasionally feel even today.
In a similar vein to these visual distortions, I also occasionally experienced mild time distortions. (This is difficult to describe, so bear with me.) Also as a kid, hearing and focusing in on a particular tempo visually and auditorily (like tapping my finger at a constant interval) would cause time to feel as if it was moving significantly faster. It feels like the tapping is happening really slowly while the world around me moved faster, making me feel really anxious. This didn't happen very often, and would usually correlate to the night terrors I would have (feeling much longer than they actually were). This is something I do not experience anymore and haven't since middle school.
I also experienced a couple rare episodes of dissociation growing up. They felt pretty severe to me, feeling like I wasn't in control of my body or mind, like I was watching from far away, and everything felt cloudy and fuzzy. One in particular was very intense, and just lasted for one day- ending with me becoming severely ill and throwing up all over the place.
Nowadays I don't experience much of these things. The only real mental struggles I feel now are high social anxiety, often avoiding places and people so that I don't have to interact. College friends regularly mention to me that they walk past me and that I see them but never say hi, and I almost never realize that I had stared straight at people I know. I often feel like I walk around everyday without recognizing or even seeing people's faces, even ones close to me.
There are a couple other habits I had as a kid that might warrant looking into, but they are things I didn't want to really get into here. If anyone has any insight or shares these experiences, please comment, I'd love to hear! Looking back at all this stuff is strange and a little worrying at times, so any thoughts are appreciated! Thank you for reading this. :)

Hello, to preface this post, I am not very familiar with Reddit and am using a throwaway account as to keep this anonymous. I will likely try posting this in other subreddits to try and hear thoughts from a wider range of users. I apologize in advance if this post doesn't match exactly to how people normally use this forum.
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about some experiences I had during my life from my childhood until now (I am 20). I never really questioned most of this stuff and just assumed that the things I would experience were common and ones that everyone else around me could relate to. It wasn't until more recently when most friends I spoke to about any of this stuff thought this was somewhat abnormal or they couldn't exactly understand what I was trying to describe. So, under this paragraph, I am going to outline some mental phenomena I used to (or still do) experience. If anyone can relate to or have some better understanding for what these things are, I would really appreciate a response.
I regularly experienced vivid night terrors as a young child, some that I still remember well to this day. I would sometimes wake up screaming in my sleep or roll off my bed. I would often sleep walk throughout my home in the night, and would also have nights where I would experience a half-asleep half-awake state of consciousness in which I would pace around in circles in my bedroom or living room while imagining that my dreams were connected to real life. As an example: The night after watching the movie Gravity in theaters (I was 9 years old), I sleep walked into the living room. I then woke into this trance-like state where I paced around in circles with anxiety for what felt like hours and hours as I was convinced that I was being sent to space and that I would die. Just to note- I also experienced sleep paralysis a couple times in which I would awake with a completely numb body, unable to move, with a shadowy figure standing in my doorway. These night terrors eventually went away, and they stopped around middle school. Around that time, I began experiencing very common and easy to achieve lucid dreams, both on purpose and accident.
Very often, after looking at an object for long enough, I would begin to feel that the object was either much smaller than it really was, or that it was a large object further away than it really was. By this, I don't mean that objects were literally larger or smaller in my vision. Rather that they were distorting in size while also distorting in distance from my eyes in order to maintain the same amount of space in my field of view. This would often happen in school while staring at boards, papers, or teachers. It was often very disorientating and dizzying. I could only usually make my perception return to normal after closing my eyes for long enough. Otherwise, my vision would distort more, and everything would feel strangely far away. This is something that I experienced more as a kid, but still occasionally feel even today.
In a similar vein to these visual distortions, I also occasionally experienced mild time distortions. (This is difficult to describe, so bear with me.) Also as a kid, hearing and focusing in on a particular tempo visually and auditorily (like tapping my finger at a constant interval) would cause time to feel as if it was moving significantly faster. It feels like the tapping is happening really slowly while the world around me moved faster, making me feel really anxious. This didn't happen very often, and would usually correlate to the night terrors I would have (feeling much longer than they actually were). This is something I do not experience anymore and haven't since middle school.
I also experienced a couple rare episodes of dissociation growing up. They felt pretty severe to me, feeling like I wasn't in control of my body or mind, like I was watching from far away, and everything felt cloudy and fuzzy. One in particular was very intense, and just lasted for one day- ending with me becoming severely ill and throwing up all over the place.
Nowadays I don't experience much of these things. The only real mental struggles I feel now are high social anxiety, often avoiding places and people so that I don't have to interact. College friends regularly mention to me that they walk past me and that I see them but never say hi, and I almost never realize that I had stared straight at people I know. I often feel like I walk around everyday without recognizing or even seeing people's faces, even ones close to me.
There are a couple other habits I had as a kid that might warrant looking into, but they are things I didn't want to really get into here. If anyone has any insight or shares these experiences, please comment, I'd love to hear! Looking back at all this stuff is strange and a little worrying at times, so any thoughts are appreciated! Thank you for reading this. :)

I hate you.
How could you do this to me?
All of the effort and energy that I gave freely to you, you never deserved it. You kissed me first. You would be physical and initiate that. I kept it platonic until you led me on. And it was always on your terms. And then you take it away.
You used me to fill whatever emotional gap you were missing. It was to only fill the gap. You used me. YOU USED ME.
Anytime you needed anything, I was there. You needed a shoulder to cry on? Cry on mine. You needed a father figure for your kids, I was that dude. You say that you never asked for that, and I did it on my own terms, then why involve me so much? Why’d you have me help tuck them in at night? Why’d we go on family trips? Saying you didn’t ask for any of it doesn’t erase the memories we… no… I created for them.
I wonder what you’ll tell your mom and dad, who told you it would be a huge mistake to let me go. Who both think of me as your future husband and perfect father for your children. Think of me as that is incorrect though. They already introduce me as that to their family and friends.
You were a black hole and it was impossible for me to escape your attention. Things go into a blackhole, nothing comes out of it though. It perfectly describes what our relationship was like. I threw my love, care, affections, thoughts, dreams, heartaches, everything...
I never did get anything back in hindsight.
I was everything that you want in a man. And then after 4 years. You just move on.
Missing my kids. Never going to be able to see them again. Never going to have dinner with your mom and dad again. Never going to get to go to your family gatherings again. Never going to meet our own child. Who you said this world would be missing out on.
You’re not even human.
And here I am. Completely shattered. Crying like a baby at 3:00 in the morning to whoever on the internet.
I HATE you.

I have bipolar and my dog passed away 8 days ago and I’ve been in this dream-like state for 6 days. The best way to describe it is like the first 10 seconds of waking up in the morning, but all day. Has anyone experienced this and how did you get out of it? Each day I think I’m going to wake up and it’ll be better but it remains the same.
On Sunday I started thinking I’m receiving messages from the TV and music to decode to work out the meaning of life and death. Now I’m in contact with my care team daily and I’m on abilify injection and tablets to top up the dose. Apparently it’s to sedate me so I don’t go manic.
My head feels full. My speech is slurred, I’m confused and disorientated most of the day with only a few moments of clarity, and I’m exhausted and this dream-like state is what’s affecting me the most as I’m incapable of even making myself food, I feel too weak.

Can't talk about it here
Btw i want to apologize for the sloppy broken stream of consciousness writing style. But speaking formally is a drag.
But anyways!
I need help.
I have what I believe are some really good ideas.
But I don't want to talk about them publicly on the off chance they would succeed and someone steals them.
Let me be clear.
I'm looking for probably like 8-10 people who have computer science, tech, and animation skills, maybe even a few creative types (writing, music, etc.) who have always wanted to find a group of friends to conquer the world with.
I have so many ideas for things all the time. And i feel like theres so much opportunity in the world! I feel as though I've spent so much of my life just wasting it. I always find myself realizing that I don't have the technical skills to execute them. And even if I wanted to take the time to learn those skills there's 10 others I need too.
And I've started scheming some really cool ideas but there's no getting around it. I need some fellow chaps (or lasses I'm not discriminating) to help make some of those dreams a reality.
How cool would it be to be a part of a team of people that just write books or make inventions or video games or develop apps, or whatever else they wanted to do. What if like 10 people did what palworld did and just got famous as heck by working collectively to write and create a bunch of cool stuff.
Like a guild. But we just use our collective skills to get involved in everything. Like a brotherhood. But on the up and up and not culty.
Once again I am hyper aware that I typed all of that In a fairly lazy and disorganized manner. I guess my hope is the right people if they see it will be willing to message me and I can much more eloquently describe what I wanna do and some of the ideas in much more specific detail.

I am not entirely sure how to write this so please excuse the word vomit that is about to happen. Thank you.
I am an 18 year old online college student and I've always had a bit of trouble making friends and being able to keep them. My anxious tendency's make it hard for me to fully understand why someone would truly want to be my friend. I'm in therapy trying to work this my issues and trying to find better ways of communication. While I've only been in therapy for a short while I, personally, feel like made a ton of progress. I have contacted old friends and have made a couple new ones. I wouldn't go as far to say that I don't struggle with responding but I eventually will.
A big part of my anxiety is that I might take up "too much space", that my behavior would be "too much", that I would be annoying, and ultimately that people would hate be and I'd be lonely. My anxiety sometimes blinds me and I can't tell who I can and can't trust. I see the word alone being used a lot when people use it to describe how they feel but I don't feel alone. The word alone in the dictionary reads "having no one present" and the work lonely in the dictionary reads "without companions; solitary; cut off from others". I believe that the word lonely fits the description of my feeling better than alone. I know that I enjoy my alone time - my space - but for a long time I couldn't tell the difference between the two.
The first time I ever really felt my anxiety was in middle school. My younger self was much more open and optimistic than I am now. I still had that child-like wonder and sense of safety; like nothing could ever go wrong. I wish that feeling never left. As it is for most people, middle school was horrible. I remember being eccentric, happy, and very talkative. This was a direct hit for those "mean girl clicks" everyone had encountered in middle school. At that time I never really understand how cruel the world could truly be. This was the moment I truly felt the anxiety click in, hearing people talk behind your back then be so loving and caring to your face.I won't say that I am a saint because I know that I have also had rude conversations behind peoples backs and I can say nothing eats me alive more then knowing how rude I was. I know that it is almost impossible to get people to not talk about you behind your back, it happens to everyone but this never stopped me from trying.
Those "mean girl clicks" used to talk about how I'm too loud, annoying, they hated my hair, the way I dressed, etc. And I can positively say this went on with me though my entire life. I started dressing in all black, I would speak unless spoken to, I would keep my opinion to myself unless cued otherwise; I did all of this and more just to try and keep the attention off of me. I would keep a book with me at all times so I didn't disrupt anyone so that wouldn't be annoying. I was so fearful of seeing self-centered, being too much to handle, annoying, egotistical, and entitled to how much damage I was doing to my self worth in the long run. I wanted to so anything to avoid being those words because I thought that it would earn me friends; I thought that it would finally make me worthy.
All of this is to say that this was of living followed me though my life. Anytime someone needed something I was the first to volunteer, I wanted to help everyone in every way I could, I wanted to be a natural friend of people. A neutral friend - someone who was like enough to keep around but not noticeable enough to be talked about behind their back. I did this with everyone I met at school, work, family, etc. With this my therapist has helped me open up more and I've gotten more comfortable with myself and the fact that it's okay for me to take up space. However, I am still very aware of how I am acting and how I might be perceived. I think three times about what I am going to say before I say it to make sure I don't say anything that can hurt someone. Does it still accidentally happen, yes, but I am always empathic about it and I always apologize.
I have been in a bit of a job switch recently and I am working with people much older than me and I have had a hard time with management. My most recent bosses and have rude, unforgiving, and disrespectful. Now I understand that not all jobs will be perfect and for the most part you just have to deal with it but as I've said above I take comments that are made to me seriously. I know this can be a bad thing to do but my anxiety had a tendency to pick it up and run with it. My employer makes the schedule on a monthly basis, I am a full-time employee, and for the past two months I have worked 20-25 days each month and now the new schedule (June) I am only scheduled to work for 11 days. With quick math working 11 days can't pay my car insurance let alone the car note. I was understandably, in my opinion, upset and I took it up with them the next day so that I was not speaking out of anger in the moment. When I brought it up to my employer the next morning they told me that 30% of my productivity can from them helping me and the other 70% came from me working alone. I was essentially told that my productivity level was too low and that if I wanted to work more then I need to "prove myself". This honestly stirred a lot of my past worried and anxieties about never be good enough and not being worthy. And while that's not what was explicitly said it is what my anxiety heard.
When I finally got home (I live with a relative) they asked me what was wrong and I had explained the situation with that and I that I felt like I was being productive and trying my hardest. They had brought up the idea that my productivity level might be the issue and when I asked further I was met with one of the more gut-wrenching comments I have ever had anyone say about me. They told me that I act entitled. I have been called many things but for be being called entitled, one of the very things I have tried so hard not to be, it completely broke me inside. I have entered a few inserts below about my "Being Entitled" search.
Entitled - Adjective - Google Definition

• Believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

What does it mean to be entitled? - Cambridge.org

• Feeling that you have the right to do or have what you want without having to work for it or deserve it just because you are who you are.

How do entitled people behave? - Well Mind Article

• Demanding special treatment, expecting others to do things for you, not showing gratitude, and the need for constant adornment.

Example of being entitled - Psychologytoday.org

• You see your own interest more interesting than others. See your goal and desires to be more valid than others. You disregard rules that are intended for everyones comfort.

What does entitled mean as an insult?

• In many cases, describing someone as entitled may be a criticism of their behavior or attitude, suggesting that they display a lack of humility or an unrealistic sense of self-importance.

With going though and finding all of these articles describing what an entitled person acts like I don't think that I fit into this category. I try so hard to make everyone happy to make sure that their days are going good. I have always shown gratitude when someone does something for me and I have a tendency to say that "I am sorry" even if it has nothing to do with me. They called me entitled on Monday the 27th of May and it is not June 2nd and I never received an apology. This evening I brought it up during a discussion and they asked if it was really still think about it. Part of me wanted to say no that it was just a joke, bottle it up, and move on but I didn't. Instead I said, yes I am, you never said sorry for being rude me, and all they said was that they were being honest. I told them I understand honesty but they could have brought it up in a nice more adult manner. They brushed me off and told be I was being a baby about it that I should take it for face value and "re-evaluate myself". They were never specific about any time I was acting "entitled". When I brought up why it was rude to me and that it was a main center point for my anxiety and that my therapist was helping me finally get through it; they told be that my therapist can't be the only person I talk to about my feelings. They told me that this is not what she is here for. That I needed to talk to my friends and family instead. But this is the problem, I thought that I was so safe with this relative (emotions wise) and now I have been proven wrong so I don't see any reason I would open up to them now. I also brought up the point that it is hard for me to make friends. They looked and me and said well I try and get you to go out to clubs and events but I just don't find it easy to make friends like that. I like quiet spaces where things are calm but even in settings like those it's so hard for me to make friends.
They still never apologized and I truly don't think that they will. I've been dwelling on their comment about me being entitled everyday. And everyday it makes me more and more anxious, I've noticed myself being more secluded to avoid stepping on anyones toes. I think what I am looking for here is opinions that aren't mine or theirs. I know that was a lot to read but if you did I would appreciate some feedback. Do I seem entitled? Do I deserve an apology? How do I deal with something like this because I am completely lost.
Thank you for reading my word-vomit <3

I am not entirely sure how to write this so please excuse the word vomit that is about to happen. Thank you.
I am an 18 year old online college student and I've always had a bit of trouble making friends and being able to keep them. My anxious tendency's make it hard for me to fully understand why someone would truly want to be my friend. I'm in therapy trying to work this my issues and trying to find better ways of communication. While I've only been in therapy for a short while I, personally, feel like made a ton of progress. I have contacted old friends and have made a couple new ones. I wouldn't go as far to say that I don't struggle with responding but I eventually will.
A big part of my anxiety is that I might take up "too much space", that my behavior would be "too much", that I would be annoying, and ultimately that people would hate be and I'd be lonely. My anxiety sometimes blinds me and I can't tell who I can and can't trust. I see the word alone being used a lot when people use it to describe how they feel but I don't feel alone. The word alone in the dictionary reads "having no one present" and the work lonely in the dictionary reads "without companions; solitary; cut off from others". I believe that the word lonely fits the description of my feeling better than alone. I know that I enjoy my alone time - my space - but for a long time I couldn't tell the difference between the two.
The first time I ever really felt my anxiety was in middle school. My younger self was much more open and optimistic than I am now. I still had that child-like wonder and sense of safety; like nothing could ever go wrong. I wish that feeling never left. As it is for most people, middle school was horrible. I remember being eccentric, happy, and very talkative. This was a direct hit for those "mean girl clicks" everyone had encountered in middle school. At that time I never really understand how cruel the world could truly be. This was the moment I truly felt the anxiety click in, hearing people talk behind your back then be so loving and caring to your face.I won't say that I am a saint because I know that I have also had rude conversations behind peoples backs and I can say nothing eats me alive more then knowing how rude I was. I know that it is almost impossible to get people to not talk about you behind your back, it happens to everyone but this never stopped me from trying.
Those "mean girl clicks" used to talk about how I'm too loud, annoying, they hated my hair, the way I dressed, etc. And I can positively say this went on with me though my entire life. I started dressing in all black, I would speak unless spoken to, I would keep my opinion to myself unless cued otherwise; I did all of this and more just to try and keep the attention off of me. I would keep a book with me at all times so I didn't disrupt anyone so that wouldn't be annoying. I was so fearful of seeing self-centered, being too much to handle, annoying, egotistical, and entitled to how much damage I was doing to my self worth in the long run. I wanted to so anything to avoid being those words because I thought that it would earn me friends; I thought that it would finally make me worthy.
All of this is to say that this was of living followed me though my life. Anytime someone needed something I was the first to volunteer, I wanted to help everyone in every way I could, I wanted to be a natural friend of people. A neutral friend - someone who was like enough to keep around but not noticeable enough to be talked about behind their back. I did this with everyone I met at school, work, family, etc. With this my therapist has helped me open up more and I've gotten more comfortable with myself and the fact that it's okay for me to take up space. However, I am still very aware of how I am acting and how I might be perceived. I think three times about what I am going to say before I say it to make sure I don't say anything that can hurt someone. Does it still accidentally happen, yes, but I am always empathic about it and I always apologize.
I have been in a bit of a job switch recently and I am working with people much older than me and I have had a hard time with management. My most recent bosses and have rude, unforgiving, and disrespectful. Now I understand that not all jobs will be perfect and for the most part you just have to deal with it but as I've said above I take comments that are made to me seriously. I know this can be a bad thing to do but my anxiety had a tendency to pick it up and run with it. My employer makes the schedule on a monthly basis, I am a full-time employee, and for the past two months I have worked 20-25 days each month and now the new schedule (June) I am only scheduled to work for 11 days. With quick math working 11 days can't pay my car insurance let alone the car note. I was understandably, in my opinion, upset and I took it up with them the next day so that I was not speaking out of anger in the moment. When I brought it up to my employer the next morning they told me that 30% of my productivity can from them helping me and the other 70% came from me working alone. I was essentially told that my productivity level was too low and that if I wanted to work more then I need to "prove myself". This honestly stirred a lot of my past worried and anxieties about never be good enough and not being worthy. And while that's not what was explicitly said it is what my anxiety heard.
When I finally got home (I live with a relative) they asked me what was wrong and I had explained the situation with that and I that I felt like I was being productive and trying my hardest. They had brought up the idea that my productivity level might be the issue and when I asked further I was met with one of the more gut-wrenching comments I have ever had anyone say about me. They told me that I act entitled. I have been called many things but for be being called entitled, one of the very things I have tried so hard not to be, it completely broke me inside. I have entered a few inserts below about my "Being Entitled" search.
Entitled - Adjective - Google Definition

• Believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

What does it mean to be entitled? - Cambridge.org

• Feeling that you have the right to do or have what you want without having to work for it or deserve it just because you are who you are.

How do entitled people behave? - Well Mind Article

• Demanding special treatment, expecting others to do things for you, not showing gratitude, and the need for constant adornment.

Example of being entitled - Psychologytoday.org

• You see your own interest more interesting than others. See your goal and desires to be more valid than others. You disregard rules that are intended for everyones comfort.

What does entitled mean as an insult?

• In many cases, describing someone as entitled may be a criticism of their behavior or attitude, suggesting that they display a lack of humility or an unrealistic sense of self-importance.

With going though and finding all of these articles describing what an entitled person acts like I don't think that I fit into this category. I try so hard to make everyone happy to make sure that their days are going good. I have always shown gratitude when someone does something for me and I have a tendency to say that "I am sorry" even if it has nothing to do with me. They called me entitled on Monday the 27th of May and it is not June 2nd and I never received an apology. This evening I brought it up during a discussion and they asked if it was really still think about it. Part of me wanted to say no that it was just a joke, bottle it up, and move on but I didn't. Instead I said, yes I am, you never said sorry for being rude me, and all they said was that they were being honest. I told them I understand honesty but they could have brought it up in a nice more adult manner. They brushed me off and told be I was being a baby about it that I should take it for face value and "re-evaluate myself". They were never specific about any time I was acting "entitled". When I brought up why it was rude to me and that it was a main center point for my anxiety and that my therapist was helping me finally get through it; they told be that my therapist can't be the only person I talk to about my feelings. They told me that this is not what she is here for. That I needed to talk to my friends and family instead. But this is the problem, I thought that I was so safe with this relative (emotions wise) and now I have been proven wrong so I don't see any reason I would open up to them now. I also brought up the point that it is hard for me to make friends. They looked and me and said well I try and get you to go out to clubs and events but I just don't find it easy to make friends like that. I like quiet spaces where things are calm but even in settings like those it's so hard for me to make friends.
They still never apologized and I truly don't think that they will. I've been dwelling on their comment about me being entitled everyday. And everyday it makes me more and more anxious, I've noticed myself being more secluded to avoid stepping on anyones toes. I think what I am looking for here is opinions that aren't mine or theirs. I know that was a lot to read but if you did I would appreciate some feedback. Do I seem entitled? Do I deserve an apology? How do I deal with something like this because I am completely lost.
Thank you for reading my word-vomit <3

Inebriated Conversations

After eight long and grueling hours, we began our rapid descent from the heavens. I never really got the: “did it hurt when you fell from heaven” pickup line until we hit the tarmac. The force of the impact nearly knocked my head into the seat in front of me, so fuck yeah, it hurt when I fell from heaven. I’d imagine even Lucifer himself had a softer landing than we did. He also didn’t have to endure the stomach churning and nauseating food that was served on the plane, but I digress, at least we had finally reached our destination. A land not so far away that only varied in appearance, but the truth was this mystical and magical land, deep down, was no different from the place I grew up or attend college. As I waited in purgatory, the security line, I began wondering if I was dreaming. Was I really in London or even a different country for that matter? The line, which seemed so much longer than the European and the U.K., line was filled with fellow Americans. Perhaps they are still acrimonious about us beating them in the Revolutionary War, so they decided that this was ample punishment for our victory. Whatever the case, we finally made it through security, then collected our bags. I saw my relatively new bag with the bowtie on the handle and was relieved that it had not been lost or left in the United States. We met our tour guide, Emma, who at first glance seemed to be very different. She had an unusual hair cut that was much shorter than ones most woman her age would have, but I soon learned that her appearance, much like London’s, would not be any indication of what lies beyond. When we finally escaped from limbo, the airport, we were put on a coach bus, and taken to our hotel. I was exhausted and in need of a shower, but all I could do was drop my luggage off, then swiftly return to the lobby. As we stood outside in the crisp, refreshing air, we were handed our subway passes, or as they say, “tube passes.” We followed our guide, Emma, on a short walk to the underground. When our group finally descended the stairs and made our way to the map, a map Virgil couldn’t even navigate, we began our journey that involved the same punishment as those afforded to people in the eighth level of hell. We walked endlessly, 10.6 miles, and viewed the most popular tourist attractions London had to offer. I was surrounded by beautiful statues, fantastic architecture, and attractive people whose dialect could captivate almost anyone. At first, like everyone else, I was completely and utterly captivated by it all, because it was a completely different world. Our group finished the day with a mile and a half walk to the Globe Theatre, where we saw Shakespeare’s play, Comedy of Errors. My fellow students and I stood, as our professors sat comfortably watching the play. During the production, all I could think about was my numb legs and my aching feet. I tried drowning the pain with a few glasses of overly priced and nasty wines, but my attempt was to no avail. For once in my life, I knew what it was like to experience actual physical agony, not just the tedious and never-ending emotional kind. It wasn’t the lake of fire or some frozen wasteland, but that shit was still excruciating. After the play, we struggled to find a new passageway to the hot and crowded underworld, the tube, but luckily, I had service on my phone, so we found it. We finally made it back to the hotel around eleven in the evening. After a long day of flying and an excess of walking, I had never been as excited as I was to climb into a bed that was, quite frankly, too small for my six-foot-five physique. To anyone reading this, don’t worry, I’m not planning on giving a day to day synopsis of what I saw while I was abroad, because the sights aren’t what truly matter. I mean, I could just rant about Buckingham Palace and its beauty, Windsor Castle and its enormous layout, the Tower of London and its history, the Natural History Museum and its priceless artifacts, Stratford upon Avon and Shakespeare’s life, Oxford and it’s impressive library, Cornwall and its tranquil beaches, the Minack Theatre and its sublimity, or the Ashmolean Museum and its Jeff Koons exhibition, but that shit has no genuine meaning to it. I’m not going to waste your time by writing about some tourist sites that you could see in almost any travel magazine about the U.K., so if that’s what you are looking for stop reading. I suggest you pick up a travel magazine and read it until you are content, but if you want to read something real, then I suggest you continue. The reality is, the things I’ll take from this trip are the inebriated conversations I had with others. I not only gave these people advice about their lives; I learned something new about my own. I, ***** *******, am the Barstool Prophet, who descended from the heavens prepared to spout wisdom and retardation. Before I divulge the serious and deep conversations I experienced abroad, I want to let you know that the other person and I were under the influence of alcohol. I know what you are thinking, but alcohol has been a part of human culture since 7,000 B.C.; to put that into perspective, man invented alcohol before the wheel. From what I've seen in my lifetime some people drink to forget, some drink to remember, some drink to punish themselves, and some drink to converse with others. I fall into the latter category, but while I was in the U.K., I encountered people whose purpose for drinking was similar to mine as well as people that would fall in the other categories. I never really got the saying, "It's better to be a glass half full person, than a glass half empty person." I get the whole positivity aspect of the saying; however, I'd trust a "glass half empty person" far more, because they'd just order another drink. I am in no way trying to promote alcoholism; in reality, I am just trying to explain how alcohol can fuel an in-depth conversation. The Latin proverb "In Vino Veritas" states that "In Wine there is Truth"; wiser words have never been spoken. Alcohol allows people to speak their hidden thoughts and desires, especially to a stranger like me. 

Emma

As I stated earlier, Emma was our tour guide, who sported a relatively short and somewhat masculine haircut. Luckily, I had consumed enough alcohol at the time of her arrival to ask her why she chose that specific style. After giving me a vague: “because I like it” response, she clutched her glass of wine and forced it down. We talked about her occupation and how lonely traveling could get, but she seemed like she was familiar with the feeling of loneliness. She asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I said, “I want to be a lawyer.” Emma slammed her glass down and began to laugh hysterically; she said, “Seriously?” I found her response quite peculiar until she revealed that her ex-husband was a lawyer. He was devoted to his job and always worked long hours, which did not bother her, at first. I surmise that his lack of interest in her is what led to their separation. After a long moment of silence, I gulped my drink down and gained the courage to ask: “do you think the relationship you had with him prepared you for this job?” She paused and began to think intently. She took a sip of her wine, laughed, and said, “I guess so, that’s one positive thing I got out of the relationship.” The chat continued with talk of food, politics, weather, and other small-talk topics, but then we somehow made it back to her haircut. Emma told me that she was bi-sexual, which, despite the tell-tell signs in her appearance, isn’t something she shares with most people. I told her that homophobia and racism is a major part of the culture that I grew up in, which surprised her. She couldn’t comprehend how someone with that upbringing could be so openminded. I responded with one word and one word only, “Self-Awareness.” I came to the realization that in life people are consciously and unconsciously molded by those around them, but at the end of the day, it is their choice to decide who they are and what they believe. Emma’s marriage may not have been picture perfect, but she was still able to take something positive from it. As much as we don’t want to admit it, even the worst of our relationships impact us in a positive way. 

Phillip Goldsmith

Before I get into this incredibly intense and somewhat depressing story, I’d like to describe its setting. I was sitting on a red velvet couch, drinking Jack Daniels Honey in a tall glass with one ice cube. I know what you are thinking, but I was not in a strip club. Our hotel’s game room/ bar area looked like an American strip club, not that I’ve ever been in one. Like seriously, if a few poles and dancers were added, I’d feel like I was at the Red Carpet, which is a strip club near where I live, but again, I may or may not have been there. I had finished half my bottle when Phil walked in, and I could immediately tell that he was hurting on the inside. Excluding dumbass frat guys, not very many people drink vodka straight out of the bottle with the intention of finishing it. He sat next to us, so I reached my hand out and said, “Hey man, what’s your name?” He said, “Hello, I am Phillip Goldsmith.” I responded as anyone would and said, “That’s a badass name!” We talked about life, love, and women as most guys do. We were both close to finishing our bottles when I noticed a tattoo on his arm that said, “Harry.” Who was this Harry? He certainly didn’t strike me as a Royalist, so I knew he didn’t just get the prince’s name on his arm for shits and giggles. I gulped down a few more sips of my drink and slowly placed it back down. I looked him in the eyes and said, “who is Harry?” His response shook every bone in my body to their core. After holding his tears back and ingesting some more of his vodka, Phil looked at me and said that “Harry was his son.” Was? He continued speaking, and I learned that Harry died three days after he was born. That tragic loss would result in a few other loses in his life, his wife, and his faith. Phil told me that he used to go to his grave on his birthday and Christmas, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t see a point in it any longer. Surprisingly I felt the urge to tell him that “God loved him and that he would see his son again.” I am in no way a prolific believer; I’d probably put myself in the wayward son category. However, something came over me, and I felt like I needed to tell him that. We had both finished our drinks, and as we were saying our goodbyes, he thanked me. I don’t know why, but he did. My encounter with Phil taught me that when you meet someone, you don’t know what they are going through, but through love and compassion, you can have a positive impact on them. 

Lexie

Lexie is a beautiful and intelligent young lady from Kansas City, Missouri. We met and chatted throughout the week because she was a part of our EF group. One night, after Lexie and I had more than our share of wine, we began to talk about our plans for the future. Before I tell this story, you must know, I have the unfortunate handicap of flirtation when I drink, but she was able to move past my impulsive outburst. I think my accidental comments about her beautiful eyes, stunning smile, and cute laugh allowed her to open up to me. Despite what you are thinking, I like to flirt because I enjoy making women smile, I don’t always do it for self-serving reasons. Anyways, as I said, we started discussing our plans for the future, but one can’t divulge their future in an inebriated state without discussing their past. I gave my whole spiel about wanting to be a prosecutor who would later become a congressman, then a Supreme Court or D.C. Circuit Court justice. She said, “Wow! That’s quite the plan. I want to go into Law as well.” I hastily responded by saying, “That’s sexy. I could see it.” We both laughed, but then she said, “I don’t know though, Law School is hard.” She didn’t strike me as a person who couldn’t handle a challenge, so I asked, “Why do you think you wouldn’t excel? You present yourself as someone who does.” She tried not to blush, then sipped her extremely sweet white wine. I know it was sweet because I made the unfortunate decision of trying it; it was so sweet that even a rock would get a hangover from it. Anyways, she started talking about high school and how people thought she was unintelligent. I laughed and thought about how I experienced that very same thing. I said, “Fuck that, screw them. God, high school girls are mean. Do you actually believe that crap?” She giggled and said, “Of course not, but it’s still in the back of my head.” I grabbed another beer from Raj, the bartender at the hotel. Yes, we were on a first name basis; did you expect anything less from the barstool profit? I sat back down and leaned in, intent on getting this point across to Lexie. I sipped my beer, ever so casually, and said, “Listen, we all remember the immature negatives of our high school existence, but this is now. At some point, we have to grow up into the people we want to be, not who everyone tells us to be.” She then asked, “Why are you so wise?” (You are probably thinking “sure she did,” but I swear that is what she said; I’m not a narcissist using creative license to praise myself.) I accredited it to my amazing parents as well as the shitty ex-girlfriends, situations, and friends I had experienced. We continued talking about a lot of random things like abortion, racism in America, and other pseudo-political topics. It was 3 am. when we finally decided it was time to go to bed. I hugged her and told her to use those negative voices as motivation. Again, I was thanked for the conversation, which, at this point, seems to be a normal thing for strangers to do. My conversation with Lexie made me realize that, when we travel, the baggage we carry isn’t only the physical kind. That tedious and deep emotional baggage also comes along for the journey. Most people, who travel somewhere, will lose a physical part of their baggage, like a sock, shirt, or something of that nature. Lexie did something most could not and do not, she left a piece of her emotional baggage, the night I spoke to her in the bar. 

Szymon

Szymon was in the bar area when I got to the hotel. He had a very interesting accent, which was far different from the ones I had heard that week, so I asked, “Where are you from?” He said, in a relatively drunken manner, “I am from Poland. You’re from America, aren’t you.” I responded with a firm: “Yes.” The conversation proceeded with small talk, but as I had a few more beers, the topics shifted to more serious topics. I was recently in a Holocaust history class, so of course, the first serious thing I asked was if he had been to Warsaw to see the Concentration Camps. He paused in silence, so I said, “Talk about hell on Earth, the holocaust was some fucked up shit.” After saying that he seemed to gain the courage to tell me that he was Jewish. He told me about the things his parents endured as children and how his grandfather had died in a concentration camp. He told me how he had rejected his faith after hearing these horrible stories. He said to me, “What could faith do for someone. The Jews have been persecuted countless times for it.” I understood where he was coming from, but at the same time, I didn’t. He had real reasons for his existential doubt, and I truly could not say the same. I got a shot of vodka from Raj; threw it back, and said, “Our faith shapes our decisions in life, even if we tell ourselves it doesn’t.” He sat pondering my words, but he seemed bored of the discussions about faith. I quickly changed the subject and asked him, “Why are you in London?” I learned that he travels all over continental Europe cleaning asbestos out of old buildings. I responded as any young person would and said, “that’s cool. I’d love to travel all over Europe.” He said, “it might be for a young single guy, but I hardly see my kids. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my wife cheated on me.” I couldn’t believe he would say something that personal, but then again, that’s what alcohol does. I suggested that he quit the job and find one closer to home. He laughed and said, “Ugh… you sound like my wife right now.” I bought him another beer and said, “maybe you should listen to her.” He looked at me and said, “maybe you are right ha-ha.” My conversation with Szymon taught me that it doesn’t matter how much money you make or how many places you get to travel on the company’s dime. What matters in life is family and the ones you love. By the time we stopped talking, I could hardly understand him, but he shook my hand and said, “have fun in London.” I laughed and said, “I will, call your wife tonight and tell her you love her.” He smiled and nodded, assuring me he would. It was time to leave, so I packed my things and got ready to go to the airport. I finally boarded my fiery chariot that would bring me back to the heavens. I forced down a few shots of Jack Daniels, closed my eyes, and wondered if the Barstool Prophet would have a second coming. Would I ever return to this amazing city and spout words of wisdom and retardation? Would I ever drink two whole liters of cider and wake up with a black eye? Well, that one is a definite no, but so many questions are left unanswered. Did I actually impact those that I talked to? Did they even remember the conversation? As much as I want to believe I did, I’ll never know. We don’t know what this life holds or what our encounters with strangers will yield; all we can do is give it our best shot and live like we are dying… (Que inspiring music). 

Let me know if the foundation of this sardonic and surface level literature reference writing has potential… first ever post!

Hey Everyone! I came to realize pretty quickly that I did not have as much of this chapter planned out as I thought I did. Which explains why it took a little long to come out, but in the end I managed to create something that I was satisfied with. You may notice one key change, being that Oukirii’s Companion no longer has a defined name! You’re free to name it whatever you wish.
(Completed Chapter 2s: Thearnt, Taland, Pascal, Harmony, Crowson, Asherah, Oukirii)
Next Chapter 2: Orlando the Starseer
Oukirii the Hunter, Chapter 2: Recommended Level 26
——————
(The Journey So Far…)
Events along Oukirii’s first hunt created damage in her family.
Her father came to realize that she had no intention of become a strong hunter on her own.
Even if she knew that, Oukirii couldn’t answer the question “Then what do you want to be?”
One evening, she had a dream of world’s destruction. A prophet came by the following day and told her of the beasts she saw that night.
Oukirii volunteered to hunt the beasts down, in hopes that this journey would reveal her true purpose to her…
Oukirii and Her Companion set foot in Evercold. The first thing Oukirii notes is the cold air of the snowy region. “You alright boy?” She crouches down and pets her companion on the head. It makes a joyful cry. “Hansel should be around here right?” Oukirii continues “He probably knows where we should go to look for Snow Gem!”
She takes a few steps forward, “This town is— very different from Oakbright…” Oukirii looks down. “Alright, Let’s go find Hansel!”
You’d be prompted to look for Hansel

• Travel Banter: My Nickname (Oukirii and Orlando) “Hey Kirie.” Orlando tries to get her attention. Oukirii freaks out and Orlando apologizes. Oukirii goes on to explain that her dad always called her Kirie. “That Dimitrius man, right?” Orlando asks. Oukirii tells Orlando a bit more about her father, before finally saying to him “You can call me Kirie if you want to.” Orlando makes sure that’s alright with her, and Oukirii says that it’s perfectly fine.
  
• Travel Banter: A Roaring Sword (Oukirii and Crowson) Oukirii notices Crowson and asks “What are you doing Mr. Crowson!?” He tells her that he’s just giving his sword a polish. Oukirii says “It’s shinier now, you did a good job!” Crowson goes quiet. “I’ve heard it roar through the air when you swing it!” Oukirii continues. He replies “It does do that. Now let us proceed.” Oukirii wonders what the hurry is for, Crowson tries to come up with an excuse, and settles on using the cold weather.
  

“Heave Ho Suzie!” Someone’s voice calls out. Blanche, the owner of the Beast Ranch would be pulling on a large wagon filled with heavy crates. She’d look over at Oukirii.
(Blanche’s Dialogue will change depending on if you’ve visited the ranch prior. “You look familiar”/”Who’re you? A hunter?”)
Blanche would go on to explain that she’s here to pick up supplies. She notices Oukirii’s companion and hands her a bag of food before grabbing onto the wagon again. Suzie would give Oukirii a nod as they leave.
As Oukirii puts away the bag, She notices Hansel standing near the path that Blanche and Suzie went along. Oukirii runs over to Hansel and tells him that she’s ready to take on Snow Gem.
Hansel is glad to hear it. He would tell Oukirii that this beast has been terrorizing the citizens of Evercold for a long time. “Hunting Snow Gem is not only important for our own sun-saving mission. It’s for the relief of all these people right here.”
“Well I’ll have to do my best then!”
“I believe in you Oukirii. I really do.”
Oukirii would walk away from Hansel and you’d head further into town. Oukirii suddenly hears the sound of someone shouting “No, Not again!” Her companion points his nose in the direction of the shouting and a curious Oukirii runs over to find a girl standing outside of her home. She asks if something’s wrong and the girl tells her that she lost a book she borrowed from the town’s library.
Oukirii volunteers to help look, the girl just laughs loudly “It’s nowhere I can find, best of luck to you kid!”
“Hey!” Oukirii shouts. “I’ll find that book… Just you wait…”
Before leaving, she asks for the girl’s name. She answers “Valerie, why do you need to know?” Oukirii says that it’s just in case she wrote her name in the book. “Suppose I– Fair point?” Valerie responds.
You’d Entreat Valerie’s Book from a customer by Evercold’s Night Market.

• Travel Banter: Valerie’s Missing Book (Oukirii and Asherah) Asherah remarks that Valerie must be extremely forgetful. But it’s hard not to feel bad for her. Oukirii says that it’s a good thing they showed up when they did, “Right, Helping people.” Asherah says. “Let’s just hope this pays off somehow.” Oukirii tells her that it will pay off in some way, Asherah asks “Do you believe in that sort of thing?” Oukirii says “Of course I do! Well— not if you don’t believe enough with me!”

Oukirii returns to Valerie and hands her the book. Valerie acts surprised as she flips through the pages. She sighs and puts the book away, saying she needs a tea break, she invites Oukirii to join. Sheaccepts and the two would enter Valerie’s home.
Oukirii’s companion lies down on the floor. Valerie apologizes for acting like she did, and Oukirii forgives her immediately. She notices some tools on the wall and asks what those are for. Valerie says those are for her toolsmithing job. However, she wonders if that job is something even worth continuing. “Just doesn’t feel like my ‘right thing’.”
Oukirii gets to thinking. Being so young, she doesn’t fully understand what Valerie is saying. But she gets a better understanding by connecting it to finding her own purpose. It's hard to tell if she did the “right thing” by fleeing to complete this mission…
A Flashback occurs, A young Oukirii sits waiting in the living room while her mother and father try to make her look her best. The door opens, and somebody walks inside. Antànor Solana, Oukirii’s Grandfather. Dimitrius happily greets him, Antànor doesn’t say anything, But does the same to his son. He shakes Catalina’s hand and pats Oukirii on the head while facing away from her. He and Dimitrius walk forward, chatting about their hunts. Oukirii tries to shout something to her grandfather, but he doesn’t hear her…
After she and Valerie finish talking, Oukirii says that she’s off to hunt a beast. She describes Snow Gem to Valerie, who says “I’ve never heard of anything like that before…” Valerie tells Oukirii to wait up and grabs a hatchet from the wall, she says that she’ll be coming to hunt this thing too. She won’t let someone like her fight a beast unsupervised.

• Travel Banter: Dance Lessons (Oukirii and Harmony) Oukirii is lost in thought, Harmony gets her attention and offers to let her try out something new, Dancing! Wondering if it will help her find something to be passionate about. Oukirii doesn’t know what to think, Harmony talks with her about what it would be like to be a dancer. Oukirii says that stardom doesn’t sound like something she wants to strive for, but thanks Harmony for talking to her about her purpose in an uplifting way.

Road to Deepshiver Cave, Danger Level 26
As Oukirii and Valerie walk, The ground begins to shake. They stop and stand still, Valerie asks “Did you feel that?” Oukirii wonders if the rumbling came from Snow Gem. Suddenly, the ground cracks underneath them. Sending Oukirii and her companion falling underground.
Oukirii is lying on the ground in a patch of snow. Her companion tries to wake her, Oukirii jolts up and looks around. “Thank the sun! Where’s Valerie?” Oukirii stands up after petting her companion. “This… Snow Gem… It must be…” She shakes her head.
Deepshiver Cave, Danger Level 27

• Travel Banter: Rough Landing! (Oukirii and Taland) “Agh…” Taland sounds in pain. Oukirii asks if he’s hurt. He replies “Who, Me? Not at all. It was like landing on a pillow! I did pull a muscle, but I’m more worried about you little sis.” Oukirii wonders “Huh? I’m not hurt.” Taland is ready to accept the answer until he points out her shivering. “You must have snow on ya still.” He teaches Oukirii to shake the snow out. Before they’re both ready to continue on.

Further into the cave, Oukirii would run into Valerie. Who is revealed to have taken the normal way in. Slightly further to the end of the tunnels, They get their first look at the “Snow Gem” beast. A large quadruped creature with blank eyes and a strong shell covered in ice and snow. Oukirii is shaken at the sight of it. Valerie calls out “What is that thing!?”
“Stand back Valerie!” Oukirii and her companion step up, ready to confront the beast. “This is what I was made for… I won’t let you bring destruction to this world! Come on Snow Gem– It’s all over now!!”
BOSS: Snowradillo
(Boost Dialogue: “Here goes nothing!”)
Valerie dashes in and finishes off the beast with a large chop. It creates a strong wind as it fades away into nothing… “We did it!” Oukirii quietly says “That’s one down…” Valerie asks if Oukirii is alright, She says that she doesn’t know and explains that “I… I wish I could have known more about it. They say a hunter is supposed to read the hearts of all creatures they hunt. But I… Is there something wrong… with me as a hunter…?”
“Read the heart of it or not, you hunted that thing like a champion! Maybe you’re not looking in the right place kid, you helped this town out! You could consider the idea of being a traveling hunter…”
“A traveling hunter?” Oukirii asks. She gives it some thought, before her companion reminds them that they need to head back to the Evercold.

• Travel Banter: Church of the Sacred Sun (Oukirii and Thearnt) Oukirii asks Thearnt how different the Sacred Flame religion is compared to her own. Thearnt says that she was wondering the same thing. The two of them would have a long discussion about differences in their beliefs and customs. Draefendi being a god in one and a legendary hunter in the other, The Sun is believed as a spiritual concept while Aelfric is believed as an actual being, and how both religions have different things the followers shall and shall not do.
  
• Travel Banter: My Bedtime (Oukirii and Pascal) Oukirii is proud of her victory against the beast. “You did great.” Pascal congratulates her. Oukirii excitedly asks him if she can stay up later than usual now. Pascal tells her that he isn’t the one in the position to decide that, “Most of the time you’re knocked out early anyway.” He says, followed by silently thinking ”That’s when we usually go drink…” Oukirii pleads that she can stay up longer if she tries. Pascal tells her that he can talk about removing her suggested bedtime.
  

In Evercold, Oukirii and Valerie run into Hansel again. Oukirii tells him of the good news, and asks “Does it matter now if we take down the other two? That dream had three of them together, if one is gone then–”
“It doesn’t work that way Oukirii…” Hansel replies “Destruction could still spell even if only one was still around… Our mission was to take down all three. The next target will be Red Spirit, I’ve found this creature to be in Redwater.”
Oukirii accepts to continue the mission and keep seeking her purpose. She and her companion excitedly leave town towards the next adventure.
Hansel and Valerie watch as they leave. Valerie says “I hope she finds her purpose out there. But there’s something I don’t quite understand. She seems like she doesn’t want to be strong. But then, why accept a mission that requires her to fight powerful monsters?”
“She wants to prove herself capable, and it’s a job only she can do. I’m grateful that she did accept, Otherwise the fate of the world might still be uncertain…”
(Ending Text)
Oukirii succeeds in her hunting of the first beast. Snowradillo of Evercold.
Two monsters remain as a threat to the world.
She keeps her heart optimistic, yet still finds herself troubled. With no definite answer to the question of her purpose…
With the guidance of the sun, Oukirii sets out to Redwater.
And prepares for a confrontation with Red Spirit…
——————
Oukirii the Hunter: Chapter 2, End.

Thank you guys for all your nice comments on my previous post! Here's my followup post walking through the anthology - I apologize for the delay, but I wanted to sit with this half of the album a bit longer. This analysis will be slightly different: first I’ll go through themes present throughout the anthology, and then walk through each song individually, since it’s not as consecutive of a story as the first album. As with my first analysis, I tend to also stay away from literal details as proof that a song is about a certain subject or muse – to me, it’s easier to understand the album when you think first about what the song’s overarching meaning is, rather than getting caught up in literal details (and I think Taylor often throws these in as red herrings). Moreover, it’s important to note that it’s likely that the literal detail she’s thrown in is one that only she and the muse will understand (i.e. her referencing a lilac skirt in imgonnagetyouback is unlikely to be one we’ve ever seen her wearing in public, so it’s useless to paternity test based on that detail!).
Firstly, the word anthology means a collection of assorted literary works. As a result, I think there are more themes scattered through this album, and it’s meant to be a little harder to parse than the first one. I think this album is what TTPD would have been before it crystallized into a tighter theme – similar to the 3 AM tracks for Midnights, the majority of which were written prior to the standard edition’s tracks.
There are a few themes throughout this album. From a romantic context, to me, this album is primarily about Joe. I’ll walk through why I believe that, but this album feels less muddled to me in terms of its muses, and I think that is in part due to the fact that her self-described mania from the standard edition is not a theme on the anthology. This work also covers her own relationship to celebrity and fame, and how that affects her romantic relationships and her personal life in general. And finally, I think the final theme throughout this collection is the idea of childhood, of formative experiences, and how our author goes about processing events that happen to her.
The Black Dog
What happens when you intimately know someone, when you share every aspect of your life with someone, and then it's over? Six weeks after their breakup, she’s barely holding it together (“I move through the world with the heartbroken”). She even tried to rebound her pain away (“I took the miracle move on drug, the effects were temporary”), and wasn’t able to succeed. Meanwhile, she sees him go to a bar, and she has the sudden realization that he may be able to do what she failed to do – he might be able to move on, with someone new. Reckoning with that realization is horrifying. If he is able to pull it off, what does that mean about the love they shared? When he had told her for years that he was who he was for her, and her alone?
You said I needed a bravе man
Then proceeded to play him
Until I believed it too
And it kills me
How could they go from being so intimate that they shower together, that she’s aware of his every move, to being so distant from each other that she wonders if making her fall in love with him was a hazing? And the cruelest part of it is – she doesn’t want either one of them to be able to move on, and give validity to the fact that they weren’t right for each other, even though she knows they have to. Moreover, she’s already *tried* to move on at this point, and failed – she tried to manufacture a counterfeit version of their intimacy, but what if he’s able to perfectly replicate it? And to really drive in the knife, what if it’s with someone younger than her?
And you jump up, but she's too young to know this song
That was intertwined in the magic fabric of our dreaming
Given that a theme throughout the first album was her feeling like she’d given him so much of her youth, so much of her childbearing years, with nothing to show for it, what does it feel like to know that he can essentially reset time, by being with a younger woman, but she’ll never be able to get that time back?
imgonnagetyouback
We know that her and Joe took a break or two while they were together (see: Hits Different, The Great War, in addition to PR articles). To me, this song is about when you do take that break from your partner, and you’re trying to make a point to them that they’re not going to find anyone better than you (I can tell when somebody still wants me, come clean) – the two of you are too intimately intertwined to find a suitable replacement. You know what to wear, what to say, what to do to bring them back to you:
I, I hear thе whispers in your eyes
I'll make you wanna think twice
You'll find that you were never not mine
This song also has a lot of similarities to So Long, London, which is why I attribute it to Joe. To me, it provides a deeper story to some of the lines she touches on in So Long, London:
I didn't opt in to be your odd man out
I founded the club she's heard great things about
And to some of the lines in Hits Different:
I washed my hands of us at the club
You made a mess of me
I pictured you with other girls in love
Then threw up on the street
//
Bet I could still melt your world
Argumentative, antithetical dream girl
imgonnagetyouback is a story of one-upmanship – of trying to out-jealous your partner, of proving to them that nobody knows them better than you do. And maybe this time when they’re both playing this game, it works:
Push the reset button, we're becomin' something new
Say you got somebody, I'll say I got someone too
Even if it's handcuffed, I'm leavin' here with you
//
We broke all the pieces, but still wanna play the game (Oh)
Told my friends I hate you, but I love you just the same
Pick your poison, babe, I'm poison either way
The spacing to me is a deliberate red herring (the 1975 very famously made a song called fallingforyou), and a way to illustrate that the subject of the song wants space from her – but she’s not going to give it to him. This is another theme that calls back to Joe – in So Long, London, she describes him as constantly pulling away (Pulled him in tighter each time he was driftin' away). Matty didn’t pull away – he was all in for two weeks, until he chose to ghost her, and leave abruptly. There was no slow death, no push and pull to her relationship with Matty – it was a meteoric rise and fall.
The Albatross
This song feels like a sister song to “peace” – she describes what it’s like to love her. It’s a little more twisted, however, as she describes her love for her partner as both a danger, and a rescue from the danger she’s imposing on him by being involved with him:
Wise men once said
"Wild winds are death to the candle"
A rose by any other name is a scandal
Cautions issued, he stood
Shooting the messengers
They tried to warn him about her
She’s described herself as wind and liquor in her relationship with Joe previously, in Mastermind:
I'm the wind in our free-flowing sails
And the liquor in our cocktails
She has empathy for the narrator, but disdain for herself. There’s also acceptance though: she knows that she tried to prevent it, and tried to warn him about the danger she posed. In the end though, he chose this life with her, and he chose the danger – there’s only so much she can protect him from.
The devil that you know
Looks now more like an angel
I'm the life you chose
And all this terrible danger
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
This song feels like another sister song to The Black Dog – how does she cope with the idea that her long-time partner might move on? How does she cope with the fact that if she chooses to leave, she also chooses the future in which they both move on? A future in which they don’t know each other? It also touches on her wondering if she should move on with Matty, and how feasible it would be to know someone else instead of her partner:
If you want to tear my world apart
Just say you've always wondered
This song, more than anything else, illustrates that moving on with Matty was nothing but a way to move past Joe – what she really wants, more than anything, is a response greater than indifference from Joe:
As the decade would play us for fools
And you saw my bones out with somebody new
Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school
And you just watched it happen
There’s also the realization that Joe may never love who she is now – who she was at the beginning of their relationship will always be who he prefers:
If you want to break my cold, cold heart
Just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'
She’s trying desperately to find some way to make up for the fact that she had to leave Joe, that there was nothing she could do to stay – she tried changing everything about herself, but still, the need to leave him eventually caught up with her:
I changed into goddesses, villains and fools
Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules
All to outrun my desertion of you
And you just watched it
And she wonders whether despite his indifference, and the distance between them, she should still stay:
Could it be enough to just float in your orbit
Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses
Cooler in theory but not if you force it
To be, it just didn't happen
But now, they are merely ghosts of who they once were – it’s not possible to force the relationship anymore.
How Did It End?
When a long-term relationship ends, you can point to the factors that led to its demise: a difference of opinions on money, on marriage, on children, and so forth. It is easy to determine the “what” and the “why” of an ending. But what is harder to diagnose is how you both became the versions of yourselves that weren’t on the same page, that were unable to discuss these topics, that couldn’t move past these dilemmas. That is much, much harder to pinpoint, and this is the question Taylor asks in this song. She knows what killed them:
We hereby conduct this post-mortem
He was a hot house flower to my outdoorsman
//
We were blind to unforeseen circumstances
We learn the right steps to different dances (ohh)
And fell victim to interlopers' glances
Lost the game of chance, what are the chances?
But what she still doesn't know is how it happened – how did it end? She also finds the empathy from the media and from the public to be false and selfish – they only want to know what happened to feverishly spread the news like wildfire.
Come one, come all
It's happenin' again
The empathetic hunger descends
We'll tell no one
Except all of our friends
We must know
How did it end?
//
Soon they'll go home to their husbands
Smug 'cause they know they can trust him
Then feverishly calling their cousins (ohh)
//
Say it once again with feeling
What the feeding frenzy wants more than anything is gossip, and they don’t care that she is utterly lost – lost as to why this happened, and lost physically and mentally:
Guess who we ran into at the shops?
Walking in circles like she was lost
How does she give an answer to quell the empathetic hunger, when she herself doesn’t understand exactly how it happened?
So High School
In an album that touches so much on feeling like she’s running out of time to have the future that she wants, and running out of youth to give the various men who come into her life, it is interesting and heartwarming that the song about Travis on the anthology is one that describes being with him as regaining her youth:
The brink of a wrinkle in time
Bittersweet sixteen suddenly
Moreover, another detail to note in this song is the difference in how she describes alcohol and drugs – in nearly every other song on TTPD, alcohol is a vice she uses in her moments of despair, and drugs are what her previous partners turn to in their moments of strife (she also describes the influence of drugs on her partners as something she detests – “sinking in stoned oblivion” and “you needed me but you needed drugs more”). With Travis, she’s not imbibing in any substances – instead, his thoughts and jokes are enough for her:
I'll drink what you think, and I'm high
From smoking your jokes all damn night
Travis is giving her back her youth, making sober promises, and the impression that we get is that they’re building this dreamlike reality together – it’s wholesome, all-American, and high-school-inspired, yet still grounded in something tangible, unlike the promise of fate and destiny, which powered her relationship with Joe and her entanglement with Matty.
I Hate It Here
More than anything, I think this song illustrates how Taylor sometimes uses escapism and maladaptive daydreaming to ignore the reality of the situation she’s dealing with. She recognizes that it’s not possible to stay where she is, locked inside this prison of stagnation and boredom:
If comfort is a construct
I don't believe in good luck
Now that I know what's what
She recognizes that this isn’t what she used to be, and that she never intended to choose this life of secrecy, perhaps alluding to all those years she spent “locked inside her house”:
You see I was a debutante in another life but
Now I seem to be scared to go outside
She describes herself as finding hope in the places her mind creates (seemingly alluding to her creation of characters and places for folklore and evermore):
I hate it here so I will go to
secret gardens in my mind
People need a key to get to
The only one is mine
I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child
And her escapism into her past, and imaginings of what could have been:
I hate it here so I will go to
Lunar valleys in my mind
When they found a better planet
Only the gentle survived
I dreamed about it in the dark
The night I felt like I might die
All throughout the song, there’s recognition that she doesn’t want to be here – she doesn’t want to feel as if the only place she can be free is in these imaginary worlds she creates. But there’s also concession – is she perhaps only destined for an eternal consolation prize? For loneliness? For imagined romanticism? For the fantasy of how she imagined her life and her love to be?
I'm lonely but I'm good
I'm bitter but I swear I'm fine
I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on
purpose
This place made me feel worthless
Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me,
and in my fantasies I rise above it
And way up there, I actually love it
​​thanK you aIMee
This song, along with a few others in the latter half of the anthology, discusses the loss of innocence she felt in key moments of her life. This one quite obviously alludes to Kim Kardashian, and their infamous feud. I will make a separate post on this, but I think people describing this song as petty may not remember the depth of the hate aimed at Taylor in 2016. Kim and Kanye organized a revenge porn music video for Famous, and held a museum exhibit so that people could take pictures with the naked dolls. The night the snapchat videos were released, every Kardashian family member descended upon social media to gleefully celebrate the #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty. The amount of hate Taylor got was so unprecedented that Instagram actually built their comment filtration system because of this incident. It really was that bad.
And every baby step Taylor took (for example, even just posting that she had a good 2017 was met with immediate media backlash) was quite literally mocked across the internet. People thought the reputation era was cringey, that she was over, and that she deserved everyone’s ire because she was “proven” to be a liar. She describes this in the song:
Each time that Aimee stomped across my grave
And then she wrote headlines in the local paper
Laughing at each baby step I'd take
And it was always the same searing pain
But the whole time, despite the pain and blood, she was dreaming of the day that she would heal, and dreaming of the day that she would climb her way back to to the mountaintop:
And our town, it looks so small from way up here
//
So I pushed each boulder up that hill
Your words were still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head
What still irks her though, is that this bully who created this entire hate train and organized her downfall will pretend as if it never happened – she will undoubtedly reframe things to make our subject seem overdramatic, petty, and unable to move past the incidents of years ago. Taylor, however, has always been clear about one thing: sometimes, no amount of time can heal you from something that deeply traumatized you.
I Look in People’s Windows
This song to me feels like a sister song to The Black Dog, but a few months after the official end of a relationship. A sub theme that runs through Taylor’s songs about the Joe breakup is the loss of being understood – when you are no longer with a long-term partner, how do you cope with the fact that you move the world knowing everything about this person, but at the same time, not knowing them anymore? Would you peek into their windows just to get a glimpse of what their life looks like now? As anyone who has gone through a breakup knows, the hardest part is often not being privy to the mundane details of that person’s world – their dinner parties, their wine, their friends, and so on.
I look in people's windows
Transfixed by rose golden glows
They have their friends over to drink nice wine
I look in people's windows
In case you're at their table
What if your eyes looked up and met mine
One more time
The Prophecy
The prophecy is devastating. More so than any other song Taylor has ever written, it is full of desperation and longing. All she asks for is to be known, to be understood – to not be perceived as an idea of a woman, or a starlet with no humanity:
Please
I've been on my knees
Change the prophecy
Don't want money
Just someone who wants my company
Let it once be me
Who do I have to speak to
About if they can redo
The prophecy?
It’s striking especially considering how much she laments that leaving Joe means she’s giving up being known – it’s also striking given the fact that in the epilogue poem, she states that neither Joe or Matty ever truly knew her:
He never even scratched the surface
of me.
None of them did.
What she desires beyond fame, beyond notoriety, beyond money, is to be loved and to be known. The song also alludes to her being in therapy, and to finding some sort of consolation that she will find someone to share her life with:
I'm so afraid I sealed my fate
No sign of soulmates
I'm just a paperweight
In shades of greige
Spending my last coin so someone will tell me
It'll be ok
Cassandra
This track is a sister song to ​​thanK you aIMee, and continues exploring the theme of fraught public womanhood we see in Clara Bow and Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me. In this song, Taylor discusses how the validation of women is never publicized in the way that the crucifixion of them is:
When the first stone's thrown, there's screaming
In the streets, there's a raging riot
When it's "Burn the bitch, " they're shrieking
When the truth comes out, it's quiet
Moreover, when women speak up about an issue, they’re often viewed as overdramatic, and unserious. Cassandra, in Greek mythology, was cursed by Apollo to always predict the future accurately, but never be believed. We see this happen every day to women in politics, in the media, and in pop culture:
So, they killed Cassandra first 'cause she feared the worst
And tried to tell the town
So, they set my life in flames, I regret to say
Do you believe me now?
And for Taylor, it’s reminiscent of all the times she’s been the first to speak out about something in the industry – for example, against Scooter Braun and his well-established pattern of bullying, or of the exploitation of artists on streaming services – but never been supported broadly by her peers. They believe her later, but at that point, very few people give her the credit for speaking up in the first place. It’s reminiscent of the Kimye scandal. When the news broke originally, the hatred she received was widespread. But when she was acquitted by the long-form video that leaked, it didn’t receive anywhere near the level of coverage that the original scandal received.
Peter
Peter is another song that touches on both the male muses for this album, and in turn, on the promises various men have given her over her life (we’ll circle back to this in The Manuscript!). It also touches on the theme of waiting that’s seen throughout this album, especially on her songs about Joe – how much time is enough time to give?
Both Matty and Joe were 25 when they met her, and it’s abundantly clear that both men made promises to her: promises of marriage, of children, and of a future. But how long can she wait for these promises to be fulfilled? To Joe, she gives six years of her life and youth, and to Matty, she gives him a chance to prove that he was reformed from the time she knew him last: both men eventually fail. Neither man is ready to give up their childish whims, and she has no choice but to lose hope that either of them ever will.
And you said you'd come and get me but you were 25
And the shelf life of those fantasies has expired
Lost to the lost boys chapter of your life
Forgive me Peter, please know that I tried
To hold onto the days when you were mine
But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light
Another thing to note is the interesting double meaning of the song title. To peter also means to diminish gradually – much like her faith in both men’s promises.
The Bolter
A lot of the songs Taylor has written about Joe in this album deal with the question of “when is the right time to leave?” When you know that things are stagnant, and you know that you’ve given everything you have to a relationship, you know that you have to leave – but it’s easy to convince yourself if you have a history of “leaving before you get left” that you should ride out this wave, and that this pain might just be temporary.
The Bolter, to me, reflects on Taylor’s history – it seems like she prided herself on being able to see the warning signs, and being able to get out in time.
She's been many places with
Men of many faces
First, they're off to the races
And she's laughing drawin' aces
But, none of it is changin'
That the chariot is waitin'
Hearts are hers for the breakin'
There's an escape in escaping
It’s relevant to TTPD, because likely, she saw not bolting as a sign of growth and maturity. You know that you’ve grown as a person when you don’t abandon ship at the first sign of trouble, but what if there are so many signs of trouble that the truly mature thing to do would be to leave?
Robin
Robin leads into this theme of childhood and innocence that we see further in The Manuscript. The track name is also the name of Aaron Dessner’s child. She ponders how beautiful and sweet it is that we work so hard to protect childhood naivete:
Strings tied to levers,
slowed down clocks tethered,
all this showmanship
To keep it, for you,
In sweetness
And there’s an element of wistfulness to it – don’t we sometimes wish that we could also be protected from the worst the world has to offer?
You have no room in your dreams for regrets
You have no idea
The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean
You'll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline
But now we'll curtail your curiosity
The Manuscript
This song is perhaps the most climactic song on the album. It covers her romantic history up until that point, and starts at the moment she feels everything went awry – and it predates Joe and Matty. Instead, it calls back to the first time she experienced a proper heartbreak, and the first time she lost her childlike innocence in the world – her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal (a time she described as her transition from childhood to womanhood). She describes how they compared licenses, and how he told her that if they had sex, and it was as good as the conversation was, then they would get married, and have a family. He was the first man to make her these promises:
He said that if the sex was half as good as the conversation was
Soon they'd be pushin' strollers
But soon it was over
He tells her that it’s ok that they have an age gap, because she’s so advanced for her age:
She thought about how he said since she was so wise beyond her years
Everything had been above board
She wasn't sure
While dating him, she desperately wants to be older, and starts emulating his behavior:
In the age of him, she wished she was thirty
And made coffee every morning in a French press
And when it’s over, she regresses, and turns back into a child – unable to sleep alone without the comfort of her mother, and unable to eat anything substantial besides the sugary cereal of her youth:
Afterwards she only ate kids' cereal
And couldn't sleep unless it was in her mother's bed
She forces herself to date boys her own age, to not rely on the maturity of an older man to guide her through adulthood, but she can’t help but feel disappointed in their youth:
Then she dated boys who were her own age
With dart boards on the backs of their doors
Finally, as she creates the All Too Well short film, she recognizes the damage he did to her, and how the consequences of that affair have shaped her life since:
And the years passed
Like scenes of a show
The Professor said to write what you know
Lookin' backwards
Might be the only way to move forward
Then the actors
Were hitting their marks
And the slow dance
Was alight with the sparks
And the tears fell
In synchronicity with the score
And at last
She knew what the agony had been for
Everything calls back to this first man, and these original promises – everything she’s been chasing since is reminiscent of this first scar. And just like how releasing All Too Well transformed and healed her, she hopes that by releasing this additional manuscript into the world, it will heal her again. As she describes in the epilogue poem, she is entering all her thoughts, emotions, and pain into evidence – she now asks the audience to process it with her, and thus conclude this process of healing.
The only thing that's left is the manuscript
One last souvenir from my trip to your shores
Now and then I reread the manuscript
But the story isn't mine anymore
If you read all of this - thank you! I enjoyed writing it, and I'm excited to discuss with you all in the replies :)

I have been trying Lucid Dreaming for the past week, having quite a bit of knowledge on it already (I have tried it a few years ago and I am now picking it up again). I've kept a dream diary (started that a few days ago), done reality checks multiple times per day, and tried many techniques (MILD, WBTB, and FILD). I have had no success, only getting close when I dreamed about being lucid. In that dream I did a reality check, "realizing I am dreaming", but I wasn't actually lucid, just dreaming about being lucid. I tried FILD for the first time a few days ago and failed, because when I woke up in the middle of the night, I struggled to fall asleep, even though I never do. I would describe the feeling during that moment as being nervous, because it felt like my heart rate was high and fluctuating a lot. One of the reasons why I failed WBTB is most likely because I just sat in bed for 10-15 minutes, rather than getting up to better wake up. Is there anything else I might be doing wrong (specifically FILD, because I want to try that again) or anything I should try doing on top of what I already am?

My current waking life is miserable. Health issues, I'mon disability, I'm in a loveless marriage. You name it.
But my dreams...
Lucid or not, my dreams can only be described as epic. I'm in a house? It's a mansion with hundreds of rooms. A place I used to work? It's gigantic. Every place I go, from underground to space, is all enormous in scale. What about me? I'm in perfect health. I have abilities. Someone I used to know (not my spouse) is there for me. There's adventures galore. I used to suffer from chronic nightmares. Now if something scary starts to crop up, I just make it go away. Numerous times I wake and immediately burst into tears knowing it's gone and I'll never be there again. But there's always more. Due to my health and depression (obviously) I take MANY medications. Some cause drowsiness. I supplement those with melatonin. I even treat myself twice a week with extra melatonin. If situations occur where I get a pain med, I take every one (not at the same time, of course). I want to sleep, and sleep DEEPLY. Awake I'm no one anymore. But in my dreams? I'm someone. I'm important. I'm strong. I'm fearless. And people love me.
Why would anyone want to wake up?

So to be honest I don’t really like writing, it doesn’t come naturally to me like other things so I feel like I have to put in way more effort for pretty mid results. I write music too, but I actually enjoy doing that and have no problems with it but when it comes to me writing lyrics I find myself getting pretty frustrated a lot of the time. I think a lot of it boils down to that I feel like I’m trying to describe something that’s not describable, I feel kinda like I’m trying to describe colours to a blind person you know? For example I get these really powerful dreams quite often that are really hard to put into words but I would do literally anything to be able to turn the feeling I get from those dreams into some words but it feels impossible. Maybe it is actually impossible to try to get others to feel this feeling and I’m just wasting my time. I’m really curious if anyone else has felt a similar way and if they have do you have any advice?

Hi, I need to vent a little. I’m a 20F and I have recently gotten out of a relationship with a 22M, and since I’m involving myself with someone new, I’ve been rethinking some things so I don’t make the same mistakes again.
My ex was not only my first boyfriend, but also the first man I kissed and had a deep connection with. I met him when I was 19, he lives nearby. Since we’re neighbors, my family and almost everyone in the neighborhood knew him and his family. When we started dating, our relationship was perfect, It seemed like we had everything in common and we would agree on almost every aspect of life.
I don’t know exactly when this problem started, but since the first time we tried sex I couldn’t open myself to him, I was embarrassed and scared, I couldn’t trust him. So I kept convincing him and myself that I didn’t like to be touched, and it would only be me touching him in this kind of situation. I felt that things were always rushed with him, that he wouldn’t take the time making me feel comfortable and loved before touching my private areas… I would tell him to take it slow and he tried sometimes, but It always felt artificial, like It was an obligation for him, not something he enjoyed :( So I just gave up trying, and one year went by smoothly, as we made plans of studying together abroad, of trying to make an income to get out of our parents houses and all the stuff young adults tend to dream of.
We agreed in lots of things (not all things, as I will explain later on) , as in personal values, principles, and political views. I noticed it from the first time we met that he was very interested in politics, philosophy and psychology, he would talk hours about those and even If I didn’t understand much of what he talked about, like some specific things about psychoanalysis, I would force myself to learn about it. It was really hard for me to try to learn about things I wasn’t interested, and It kind of affected my self-esteem, I started thinking I was dumb (I’m am engineering student, humanities is not really my thing lol). It would mostly be him leading the conversations, and I had a feeling he was strongly convinced of everything he talked about, like he was really proud of his intelligence. In the first, I thought it was nice and charming, but I started noticing some weird patterns…
When he had an ideia or problem, He would always come up with definitive solutions like: folllowing a new political agenda, buying extremely expensive tools, stop talking to all his friends, practicing a new physical activity until he got hurt, etc…, and I could never change his mind in any aspect, he wouldn’t listen, so I had to go along. With all these subtle changes of context, my anxiety sky-rocketed many times and I had multiple identity crises, but I was stupid enough not to notice the cause-effect correlation… neither did him.
During my anxiety episodes, he would try to psychoanalyze me and find the reason behind my suffering, I never liked it and I told him many times, but he said that even if It was unpleasant for me, he needed to make me rationalize instead of just cry. I always told him that I just wanted to be conforted, but he wouldn’t even be close to me physically when I was desperate, he would sit in a chair and try to bring back my family issues… I could feel he had no bad intentions, but It hurt anyway.
The third issue were some of his extremist views… In the beginning of our relationship, he was more left-wing leaning, but he would already say some things like “homosexuality and transexuality are a disease of mind”, but that he respected all people equally. I was clear to say that I was against this point of view, I tried to argument multiple times, but as I said before, his opinion was unshaken.
All these issues started building up during last year, so I broke up with him in the end of the year. I told him I couldn’t trust him as he deserved, and that I was really sick with anxiety and low self-esteem, all of these were true, but it wasn’t all. I could’t be honest with him because I didn’t want him to say “I’ll be better”, because I kew he wouldn’t and I didn’t have the strength to keep trying. But it was true that I still loved him. I was broken. I spent the next 3 months going through hell, rotting in my bad, anxious and depressed. I would occasionally meet him at home, so he saw I wasn’t over him. In February, after him repeatedly saying I wasn’t thinking straight when we broke up, I convinced myself of that and we got back together.
When we got back I remembered the sweet past, when we were deeply in love. It was magical for 3 weeks or something, when I found out he had converted to religion when we were apart, and his extremist views became even more dangerous, he became a conspiracist. He tried to push his new views down my throat, telling me my mental state was deteriorating because I’m part of a degenerated and nihilist generation, saying he was once like that to (he also had pretty bad depression when he was a teen). To be honest, this fucking terrified me… My admiration towards him kind of died. So we naturally distanced ourselves for weeks, and finally we had a disgusting and childish argument about religion (online).
In April, what happened was: A guy from my university started to hit on me, and I didn’t realize… My mind was numbed from everything I was going through, so I didn’t even pay attention, for me he was just another friend I made that would help me understand a subject better. The problem is, without me even noticing, he was making my days gradually easier to get through. He helped me study for a hard test, he motivated me. But because it was never just the 2 of us studying, even if the thought crossed my mind once, I didn’t really consider the possibility of him liking me more than a friend.
Back to my ex-boyfriend, I came to a point where it was insufferable for us two. We were just playing pretend, and he agreed the situation was bad, but the person who gave up was me (once again…) and we broke up. We cried, but at the same time, our last talk was… sore. I lied to him, in an attempt to to justify my feelings and so it wouldn’t hurt him so much, I told him the vague justification that I was not confident enough and the we didn’t agree on anything anymore… I told him I didn’t want to have kids (though maybe I do want it), and I wasn’t sure marriage is my life purpose, and that I needed some time for myself, out a relationship… he respected my decision.
One week after, that guy I met sent me a message, and we started gossiping about people from our uni course. It was fun and shy at first, but when we started talking at university, we started getting closer. The boy is a gentleman, he’s calm, careful, sensible. We can have a balanced conversation, cause he listens to me, he is truly interested in my personal tastes and he never forces a topic. I’ve never felt this comfortable in my entire life. It feels like someone pulled me from hell to heaven. Yeah, I know most of it is probably the passion effect.
However, the feeling of guilt can’t seem to leave me… I feel guilty of lying to my ex, of saying rude things, of hurting him twice. And now, I feel guilty I’m falling for someone new… not only do I feel guilt, I’m also afraid. Afraid of everything repeating. Afraid of him not being able to deal with my anxiety, of him only being nice in the beginning… I fear my mind is creating an illusion of a great person. Because, in the end, I am insecure, and I lack confidence.
I kissed this guy yesterday and I felt things I couldn’t describe… It felt magical, comfortable, reassuring… After the date we had, I told him all about my past relationship, I wanted to be honest. I thought he would back off, but on the contrary, he told me about his past relationship too and it was surprisingly similar to mine. He pulled me closer and told me not to worry and that he was glad I trusted him. God… that made me melt.
Well, I don’t expect you to solve this puzzle for me… But I’m open for judgment and advices. What should I do? Should I keep seeing this guy? Should I tell him that we need to do things slowly? Is my mental health well enough to engage in something new? Should I talk to my ex again or would it just make things worse? I fear that if I keep this up my ex will eventually find this out, and he will know I lied to him anyway. I care about his feelings and mental health.
Now it’s time to tell all of this to my therapist, thanks.

I (23F) grew up in a fairly toxic household. My parents did their best, and I wouldn’t classify what they do as abuse, but the best way I can describe it is that they are very emotionally immature and extremely reactive to very minor things. This isn’t just to their kids but also to each other; so there’s a lot of fighting that takes place.
I now have a little brother (almost 5M), and over the years I’ve become a safe space for him during those reactions. I couldn’t watch the same thing that happened to me happen again, so I became very protective, and a sort of place of respite. The problem is, now whenever he has an issue, I’m the one he tends to come to. If it’s a bad dream at night, he finds himself in my room. If he needs help or has questions, I’m the one he asks first. If he’s done something wrong, he comes to me to confess because he knows it’s not going to be some big scary reaction. (in this case I do tell him we cannot keep secrets from our parents, so I will typically help him calm down first and then I make him tell my parents). I also tend to have an easier time with discipline than they do. This isn’t something I do directly, but often when they tell him to do something, I also have to step in and tell him the same thing for it to actually happen.
This shift has been noticed by everyone, and has driven a bit of a wedge between me and my parents. They think that I’m overstepping, and often it puts me in a weird position where a lot of the parenting that takes place happens through me, even though I try very hard to not make parental decisions. My mother is more understanding of this but clearly hurt, whereas my father is just angry about it. I didn’t intentionally create the situation, and I’m not really sure what to do about it while still supporting my brother. Is there a way that I can resolve this? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is this something typical parents would be angry about or hurt by?

In my 20s when I used to see non-indians jump from Advaita to Tao to what not, I used to get very mad for some reason. No fidelity. But after 16 yrs of devoted study, I have finally moved on from Advaita and I am quite happy about it.
I studied with reverence, prakarana granthas, debated about bsb and upanishad bhashyas and Gita bhashyas. However after years of study, nothing changed in my actual life style. I didn't have mastery over my senses, I was not dispassionate. Otoh, I was sinking deeper and deeper in more vyasana-s.
I took a year off to practice yoga and meditation. For about 6-9 months, I was able to practice to the best of my ability and strength. I rented out a nice cozy room in a pleasant part of my city. I used to cook my own simple veg food, practice yoga asanas and finally put all my focus on meditation. It wasn't easy but it was like going to sleep, you eventually find your way to meditate.
I started seeing blue/indigo colors when I had my eyes closed, was supposedly an indication of going deeper. I used to see green and red colors too, very vivid, clearly wasn't imagining. I used to feel deep silence and peace after >20 min sessions. I could never meditate for more than 20 mins.
One outcome of my daily meditation was that, i started remembering my past events. The things that I had completely forgot, mundane random events from my earlier life. I was shocked when I actually remembered a dream! I thought to myself, can I remember my past life as well? I really thought I could. However I remember someone saying that, ontologically it's not possible until one transcends the consciousness trapped within this physical body. That made sense to me.
Nevertheless I was curious to know what else would happen. However, I felt rewarded for the time spent and I felt sufficiently rested and was once again eager to go out and engage with the world! I didn't desire to meditate any more. So I spent the year anyway with some indulgence, mind you, like the food that I liked and etc.
In all this while, I was still an advaitin, knowing fully well that Advaita studies wasn't related to anything that happened in my life personally. Then one day I saw an article about kids taking up sanyasa. The article was criticizing that and I am used to such things anyway. However it made me think again. What justifies pushing kids to celibacy? Life long? Then I started looking for pramanas for the same and i couldn't find a convincing one!
Slowly i realised that monasticism is quite alien or very very rare in Vedic religion. Mahabharata is the pramana. Try to find a single celibate sanyasi there, I dare. You will find naishtika brahmacharia at best, which is totally different from a renunciate. That made me question my whole conviction about Advaita + 0 use in real life.
Things started to fall apart about mithya, sadasad vilakshana, asatya, vyavaharika paramarthika etc. And then, i again started reading the Gita in sanskrit, and also compared the bhashyas of not only Shankara but Madhwa and Ramanuja. Then I looked at it from a historical pov. Then I realised that vedanta is Neo samkhya, which began only in the 8th century mediaeval bharata.
The truth of the Vedas is not in philosophy but in knowing the classification of things. By truly knowing the tattva, one can restrain oneself through buddhi, by balancing the extremes of likes and dislikes. However, Advaita rejects all such epistemic premise by posting the philosophy of mithya Maya and rejecting and relegating everything to tuccha.
Indeed, it is Buddhism in a different terminology. In fact, if you compare the paribhasha of the Gita and Advaita, you'll realise it. How many times does the term samkhya appear in Gita and mbh? How does bhagav describe Satya and asatya. See for yourself my advaitin friends.
The manusmriti says, if one renounces without progeny, he sinks. Some obscure 'upanishads' can't be a pramana for sanyasa, foregoing the dharma shastras and as depicted even in mbh.
Long post. Will end it here.

My ex 19(F) and I 20(M) met online and dated for almost a full year entirely online. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first as well. I've always had difficulty dating people because I never felt a genuine connection with them. But when I met her, unexpectedly I somehow fell in love with her even though we never even met. But unfortunately, we had some communication problems and because of our lack of maturity at the time, we ended up breaking things off at the start of the year. I was stupid and she did want me back at some point but I just pushed her away because I thought it would be best for her. Months have passed now, and I know that it has only been a short time, I have not been able to move on. I know that some of you will see this and think that this is just another guy who is trying to get his girl back. But I think that I also really need to do this for me to accept the facts of our relationship and move on instead of leaving things to doubt and imagining what could've been with her.
Before we broke up, I had made a gift box to send her so that I could make it up to her for all the fighting. Unfortunately, I never got around to sending it. However, I decided that I should just send it now so that I know that I tried everything and have no regrets in this relationship. In it, I bought 2 plushies for her, a few keychains, an eternal rose bouquet made out of ribbons, my hoodie and a love letter that I will post below. I know that we might not be able to be together, but I wanted her to know that its still possible even later on down the line and even if she ends up finding someone else, its fine but at least we tried.
Please just let me know your honest opinions about what I am doing, maybe some gift ideas lol or things to add or change to the letter if it sounds weird or cliche. But I just want your unfiltered opinion. Thanks a lot if you can help me with this. (sorry if this is too long to read)
Love letter >>>>>>> Hi my love, my sweet baby girl, my pookie, my baby, ma chéri and most importantly mon cœur,
These past couple of months after we broke up was one of the hardest times I have ever had to go through. Everyday, 24/7 from the moment I woke up, all I did was think about you, reminisce over our relationship, thinking about all of our best moments. But I was also killing myself on the inside because I kept thinking about how much I fucked up and how much I would give to be able to have you back. When you wanted me back, all I wanted to say was yes, I wanted to be together again with you so badly but deep down I was scared if I was the right guy for you, I was terrified of hurting you again and making mistakes because I just wanted this relationship to be perfect. I felt like I would have been a burden to you in your life and was terrified that I couldn’t make you happy anymore. I cared so much about you and wanted be your safe space that I ended up forcing things and rushing things when all along I should’ve just trusted you. Although you are and emotional and sensitive girl which is one of the best things I love about you, you are also the strongest women I know (apart from my mom) (sorry lol) and I should’ve just been there whenever you needed me instead of forcing myself into your life where you didn’t need me. That’s why I acted the way I did and pushed you away when I said no because I thought that you would be better off without me. It’s been haunting me ever since as I kept thinking about what could’ve been and I just wished that I could’ve done it all over again.
I love you. For the past months I haven’t stopped thinking about you, not even for one second. I’ve felt the same love that I’ve felt for you since we started talking and my feelings for you never changed. The reason I wanted no contact is not because I hated you or felt uncomfortable around you but because I knew that I still loved you. I just wanted you to be happy and thought that you needed to move on even if I couldn’t. But pushing down my feelings for you all this time made me emotionless, it made me depressed. Although our relationship was entirely long-distance, I never felt love like this ever in my life. I never connected to anyone like I did with you. You are the most beautiful and precious girl I’ve met. But most importantly, you are so sweet and kind, nurturing, funny and goofy maybe a little autistic…. but you were perfect down to the last minute detail. You’re the woman every man dreams of to live their lives with. You were like a shot of espresso. You were like a ray of sunshine that shined all over me even though you were never here with me physically. Every day that I talked to you or called with you, I just felt so warm and the happiest I had ever been in a long time. You changed me into a better person and made me want to become a better person just for you. It was like my life had gained colour again like when we used to be children. You were and still are my everything and my whole world. Experiencing this kind of love is something that only happens once in a lifetime and I can’t just give that up and would not give it up for anything in this world. You made me realize that love like we see in romance movies is real and I experienced that with you.
I can’t lie to myself anymore and deny that I want you because, I want you in my life, I love you, I can’t. If I didn’t do this now, I would end up regretting it for the rest of my life wondering what could’ve been with you. I will probably never move on from this and deep down I don’t want to because I know that you’re the one for me. You may think that I should just go for someone else and date other people, but thats not me. I’ll never love anyone like I love you. You are the only one that I want to be with. I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. You’re the only one I think about going on dates with, the only one who I think about just having fun with, laughing, playing games with, watching movies together, who I think about introducing my parents to and who I dream about having my first experiences with. It’s always just been you and no else.
I refuse to believe that meeting you was just a coincidence, the fact that we both had to be on call at this exact moment has to mean something. We went from complete strangers to you being the woman that I love the most in this world. Words alone can’t describe how I feel about you and how special you are to me. I believe that what we had was a one in a lifetime type of love and so I ABSOLUTELY refuse to let our story end here, I refuse to let you go. I’m sorry, if you hate me for doing this and you’re allowed to. Maybe you might not reciprocate the same feelings I have for you anymore and that I’ve had since we met. I know that you just want to be happy and probably just want to move on. Maybe you want to end up seeing other people. But if I was ever right about us, I know that I made you happy and you made me the happiest I ever felt. I know that what we had was special.
I want you to be my girlfriend forever and I can’t hold back my feelings for you any longer. I might be delusional lol and just living in a fantasy world but I don’t care when or how, all I know is that I want to be with you. I have never been more sure of anything in my life ever. I know that our situation is complicated and hard but I don’t care how it happens because I will wait for you for however long it takes until you feel ready to be together again. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. Even, if this is not what you want, I’ll understand. But, I want you in my life no matter what, as friends or lovers, whatever you want us to be, but I have to have you in it because I love you no matter what and I care about you much more than you can even imagine. Even if you decide that we can’t be together I just want you to know, that I’ll always love you and that my feelings for you with never wither.
I love you
To the moon and back
To the ends of the earth
All I’ve wanted to tell you these past months was that.
I love you. ❤️

I (23F) grew up in a fairly toxic household. My parents did their best, and I wouldn’t classify what they do as abuse, but the best way I can describe it is that they are very emotionally immature and extremely reactive to very minor things. This isn’t just to their kids but also to each other; so there’s a lot of fighting that takes place.
I now have a little brother (almost 5M), and over the years I’ve become a safe space for him during those reactions. I couldn’t watch the same thing that happened to me happen again, so I became very protective, and a sort of place of respite. The problem is, now whenever he has an issue, I’m the one he tends to come to. If it’s a bad dream at night, he finds himself in my room. If he needs help or has questions, I’m the one he asks first. If he’s done something wrong, he comes to me to confess because he knows it’s not going to be some big scary reaction. (in this case I do tell him we cannot keep secrets from our parents, so I will typically help him calm down first and then I make him tell my parents). I also tend to have an easier time with discipline than they do. This isn’t something I do directly, but often when they tell him to do something, I also have to step in and tell him the same thing for it to actually happen.
This shift has been noticed by everyone, and has driven a bit of a wedge between me and my parents. They think that I’m overstepping, and often it puts me in a weird position where a lot of the parenting that takes place happens through me, even though I try very hard to not make parental decisions. My mother is more understanding of this but clearly hurt, whereas my father is just angry about it. I didn’t intentionally create the situation, and I’m not really sure what to do about it while still supporting my brother. Is there a way that I can resolve this? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is this something typical parents would be angry about or hurt by?

My ex 19(F) and I 20(M) met online and dated for almost a full year entirely online. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first as well. I've always had difficulty dating people because I never felt a genuine connection with them. But when I met her, unexpectedly I somehow fell in love with her even though we never even met. But unfortunately, we had some communication problems and because of our lack of maturity at the time, we ended up breaking things off at the start of the year. I was stupid and she did want me back at some point but I just pushed her away because I thought it would be best for her. Months have passed now, and I know that it has only been a short time, I have not been able to move on. I know that some of you will see this and think that this is just another guy who is trying to get his girl back. But I think that I also really need to do this for me to accept the facts of our relationship and move on instead of leaving things to doubt and imagining what could've been with her.
Before we broke up, I had made a gift box to send her so that I could make it up to her for all the fighting. Unfortunately, I never got around to sending it. However, I decided that I should just send it now so that I know that I tried everything and have no regrets in this relationship. In it, I bought 2 plushies for her, a few keychains, an eternal rose bouquet made out of ribbons, my hoodie and a love letter that I will post below. I know that we might not be able to be together, but I wanted her to know that its still possible even later on down the line and even if she ends up finding someone else, its fine but at least we tried.
Please just let me know your honest opinions about what I am doing, maybe some gift ideas lol or things to add or change to the letter if it sounds weird or cliche. But I just want your unfiltered opinion. Thanks a lot if you can help me with this. (sorry if this is too long to read)
Love letter >>>>>>> Hi my love, my sweet baby girl, my pookie, my baby, ma chéri and most importantly mon cœur,
These past couple of months after we broke up was one of the hardest times I have ever had to go through. Everyday, 24/7 from the moment I woke up, all I did was think about you, reminisce over our relationship, thinking about all of our best moments. But I was also killing myself on the inside because I kept thinking about how much I fucked up and how much I would give to be able to have you back. When you wanted me back, all I wanted to say was yes, I wanted to be together again with you so badly but deep down I was scared if I was the right guy for you, I was terrified of hurting you again and making mistakes because I just wanted this relationship to be perfect. I felt like I would have been a burden to you in your life and was terrified that I couldn’t make you happy anymore. I cared so much about you and wanted be your safe space that I ended up forcing things and rushing things when all along I should’ve just trusted you. Although you are and emotional and sensitive girl which is one of the best things I love about you, you are also the strongest women I know (apart from my mom) (sorry lol) and I should’ve just been there whenever you needed me instead of forcing myself into your life where you didn’t need me. That’s why I acted the way I did and pushed you away when I said no because I thought that you would be better off without me. It’s been haunting me ever since as I kept thinking about what could’ve been and I just wished that I could’ve done it all over again.
I love you. For the past months I haven’t stopped thinking about you, not even for one second. I’ve felt the same love that I’ve felt for you since we started talking and my feelings for you never changed. The reason I wanted no contact is not because I hated you or felt uncomfortable around you but because I knew that I still loved you. I just wanted you to be happy and thought that you needed to move on even if I couldn’t. But pushing down my feelings for you all this time made me emotionless, it made me depressed. Although our relationship was entirely long-distance, I never felt love like this ever in my life. I never connected to anyone like I did with you. You are the most beautiful and precious girl I’ve met. But most importantly, you are so sweet and kind, nurturing, funny and goofy maybe a little autistic…. but you were perfect down to the last minute detail. You’re the woman every man dreams of to live their lives with. You were like a shot of espresso. You were like a ray of sunshine that shined all over me even though you were never here with me physically. Every day that I talked to you or called with you, I just felt so warm and the happiest I had ever been in a long time. You changed me into a better person and made me want to become a better person just for you. It was like my life had gained colour again like when we used to be children. You were and still are my everything and my whole world. Experiencing this kind of love is something that only happens once in a lifetime and I can’t just give that up and would not give it up for anything in this world. You made me realize that love like we see in romance movies is real and I experienced that with you.
I can’t lie to myself anymore and deny that I want you because, I want you in my life, I love you, I can’t. If I didn’t do this now, I would end up regretting it for the rest of my life wondering what could’ve been with you. I will probably never move on from this and deep down I don’t want to because I know that you’re the one for me. You may think that I should just go for someone else and date other people, but thats not me. I’ll never love anyone like I love you. You are the only one that I want to be with. I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. You’re the only one I think about going on dates with, the only one who I think about just having fun with, laughing, playing games with, watching movies together, who I think about introducing my parents to and who I dream about having my first experiences with. It’s always just been you and no else.
I refuse to believe that meeting you was just a coincidence, the fact that we both had to be on call at this exact moment has to mean something. We went from complete strangers to you being the woman that I love the most in this world. Words alone can’t describe how I feel about you and how special you are to me. I believe that what we had was a one in a lifetime type of love and so I ABSOLUTELY refuse to let our story end here, I refuse to let you go. I’m sorry, if you hate me for doing this and you’re allowed to. Maybe you might not reciprocate the same feelings I have for you anymore and that I’ve had since we met. I know that you just want to be happy and probably just want to move on. Maybe you want to end up seeing other people. But if I was ever right about us, I know that I made you happy and you made me the happiest I ever felt. I know that what we had was special.
I want you to be my girlfriend forever and I can’t hold back my feelings for you any longer. I might be delusional lol and just living in a fantasy world but I don’t care when or how, all I know is that I want to be with you. I have never been more sure of anything in my life ever. I know that our situation is complicated and hard but I don’t care how it happens because I will wait for you for however long it takes until you feel ready to be together again. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. Even, if this is not what you want, I’ll understand. But, I want you in my life no matter what, as friends or lovers, whatever you want us to be, but I have to have you in it because I love you no matter what and I care about you much more than you can even imagine. Even if you decide that we can’t be together I just want you to know, that I’ll always love you and that my feelings for you with never wither.
I love you
To the moon and back
To the ends of the earth
All I’ve wanted to tell you these past months was that.
I love you. ❤️