"The family matter and the truth of the matter it was god's plan to show y'all the liar" (Family Matters) plus his third verse in Not Like Us is a whole ass rebuttal of "rapping like youre trying to get the slaves freed" "homie still doubled down by calling us some slaves". Do you guys even read lyrics. At least the whole third verse was recorded after he heard Family Matters.
And depending on whether you believe Kendrick had/has a mole, it's possible he heard Aubrey's tracks in advance. I mean he was moving stupidly pronounced by playing Push Ups to Rory and Mal, telling Kai Cenat and Ak that he was about to drop, etc. Both euphoria and 6:16 In LA indicate he had some notion of what Drake was up to "Fabricatin' stories on the family front cause you heard Mr. Morale" + "I see somebody lyin', i smell somebody lyin' I don't see no fire" He doesen't have a tight circle. Hell his first diss was a leak with an old reference track beat and bars he scrapped. We never did talk about wtf happened there. The Weeknd also mentioned "Leaks in their operation" so it wouldn't shock me if that was the case.
MTG has several rebuttals:
.Fuck what Ozempic did (Drake talked about Rick Ross being on ozempic)
.He called Adonis a black man to call bluff on Drake's "oh you hate lightskins but your wife is mixed" narrative. "Never code-switch whether right or wrong you a black man even if it don't benefit your goals" he clarifies that he attacks Drake for "code switching" and not for his skin-color
."Its only big D and there is videoproof" to "they be leaking videos of themselves to further push they agendas"
. "He rather destroy families than taking care of his own"
.You lied about the only artist that can offer you some help
Unless Kendrick has insane levels of foresight (which i'm not sure he is Nostradamus like that) to rebuke these things before they come his way (if that's what you think you're basically saying he's a genius, and if so it doesen't matter that he didn't directly address certain bars) he most definitely heard Family Matters.
Another thing. Spending a whole track in rebuttals comes off as defensive, which was Drake's grave mistake. It's aways better to be on the offence, gives the impression of dominance.
Also Drake just saying "If i was fucking young girls I promise i'd been arrested" was not helpful, just saying "nuh huh" is not a move that's better than mostly attacking like Kendrick did. The only new angle Drake provided was a fairly misguided attack to flip Mother I Sober On Kendrick and it just made him look stupid and kinda weird.
Also if you believe Kendrick didn't address certain things, Drake hasn't addressed the following laundry list of insults:
. He has sex offenders on payroll (amongst them Baka, to whom Drake gave several celebratory bars about being released from prison. Baka was arrested for a sexual assault charge, originally a sex trafficking charge that was dropped due to the victim not testifying, this can mean several things)
. He has substantial help from ghost-writers
. He's addicted to popping percocets
. He's addicted to visiting whore-houses
. He's a degenerate gambler
. He sculpted his abs and does ozempic (the medication which he supposedly planted but then was confirmed to belong to whomever the fuck EbonyPrince2k24 is supposed to be, is hard nosed evidence he's on several pills, ozempic included)
. T.I's friend pissed on his leg and he did nothing about it
. He's unmasculine and even next to Sexy Redd he presents himself this way
. He's a mysoginist
. He's a body-shamer
. He hates black women
. He uses his father to validate his image and in return his father squeezes money out of him
. He's not a present father
. He's a narcissist
. He keeps bringing family into rap beef and it backfires on him
. He harrases good, uninvolved people like Anthony Saleh, Dave Free, Whitney; to appear tough and in control "Ain't no brownie points for beating your chest harrasing Ant. Fucking with good people make good people go to bat"
. He payed 500 thou to settle a sex assault case he had years ago
. He belittled Kendrick for his contract splits but he's also signed to a multitude of people despite getting a massive record deal
. He attaches himself to people like J. Prince or Birdman for streed cred and then washes his image by making gun violence consciousness ads for the city of Toronto
. He violated Pac's name by using him in a diss track
. He dissed Pharell for no fucking reason and is scared to go against an actual threat like Pusha T.
. He code-switches depending of racial/cultural context
. He attaches himself to younger people like Lil Yachty to stay relevant
. He exploits twitter bots and is posted up with people like Ak, Zack Bia and XqC to control internet narratives
. He's a culture vulture (according to Kendrick, a colonizer) profiting off of black men that come from more perilous circumstances to construct an image of street life he's not familiar with

https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bykm11/anaia/
https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bxzqi4/siste
About a month ago, I posted two separate posts on this subreddit about my younger sister, Anaia, who passed away on March 17th, 2024. In one post I gave photos, and in the other I wrote about her addiction, but I don't think I've really talked about myself.
It has been nearly two months since my little sister passed away, and I wouldn't describe it as grueling or depressing, just unusual. On April 22nd, it was confirmed to my family that Anaia died as a result of fentanyl toxicity, which was the reason I always assumed but to have it confirmed was very depressing. Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house and there were a few copies of Anaia's death certificate, in the onset interval to death section, I said minutes. When talking to my mother (me and my parents talk all the time, my dad sits in my room and plays games while we talk about Anaia or something random, and me and my mother will talk about random things as well as Anaia too.), she told me her perspective of that morning. Long story short, around 11:45AM, I woke up to my mother screaming my sister's name and she soon realized she was unresponsive, me and my father woke up soon after and I called 911, and that's the short version. I assumed my sister was in her covers sleeping and fentanyl overrid her system, but no, my mom told me that when she walked into Anaia's room, she was laid flat out on top of all of her covers, arms outstretched to the side. Learning that was a major shock to me, and I'll explain why.
Sure, Anaia's death was nearly instant. But hearing the details of what my mom said really drove him that once it happened, it didn't matter whether we went into there at the right time or later, there was likely nothing that could've been done. From my understanding, it was almost as if she was up one second and collapsed the next. There was dried vomit on clothes next to her bed, making me assume that after vomiting, she just collapsed instantly after and died. After calling 911, my mother demanded out of fear for me to help her perform CPR, and I didn't hesitate to do so. But, anyone in that situation could tell, with no details given, that there was nothing that could've been done. The typical signs of a deceased body were very present, and even I (doing the mouth resuscitation) knew that if I felt no air coming back onto me, and touching her neck didn't give a pulse, I quickly understood that this was it, like there was nothing me or my parents could've done. When the paramedics arrived at 12 exactly, it took them a minute or two for them to tell us that there was nothing to be done, and ultimately, Anaia had died long, long before we got to her. They said roughly 6-8 hours, meaning at the earliest 3am, and at the latest 5am. It's a disheartening fact for him, and even my father expressed to me too a few nights ago, but we wished that at least there was a chance for us to get to her beforehand. Maybe if he and I or my mom went into her room for no real reason in the middle of the night, we would've been able to save her. What really struck me when my dad was telling me that was him acknowledging that while he and my mom were watching TV, he couldn't bare to imagine that simultaneously Anaia was dying. I felt the same way, I was awake around 3-3:30AM, and if she died during that time, I was totally unaware scrolling through my phone.
I wish that there was something to be done. During her time alive, and when she started doing street dealt percocets, I warned her about fentanyl, and ultimately I wish she had heeded my warning and stayed off them when she did quit in December. I'm a sociable person, and I'm one of those people that have a wide different variety of groups and friends I hang out with, and I may not be in extracurricular activities but even those that are popular in my school know me. As a result of being so sociable, I know people that do drugs, and only a set few who do percocets, one of my closest friends used to be a heavy percocet user and I used to tell her as much as I did my sister to quit. My friend and my sister quit, but one returned and one didn't. One is still here, and one is not. It doesn't matter how many people I told not to do percocets, of course I would've wanted my sister to be the one to really listen to me. But ultimately, the person I wanted to save the most didn't make it. I've saved others, but with my sister, it almost made my words feel like nothing after she died. No matter however many times I told her to please find something less dangerous and more beneficial, to not risk her life, she kept using and lost her life. Said friend and two other friends of my sister (I know both of them) were also at some point active percocet users, and they told me that they felt it like it should've been them, seeing my mother made them see that that could've been their parents, their siblings, their friends and relatives, etc. I told them bluntly that it in fact could've been them in Anaia's position, I told them that just because Anaia's clock stopping running doesn't mean there's has to, they can avoid being in her position. Then it got me thinking, there's plenty of other people who overdose on purpose, who overdose 9 times, who overdose and suffer long term effects like paralyzation, but still remain. Anaia overdosed once, and that was the final time. I believe in God and Jesus but I'm not a preacher, I believe and keep it pushing but I'm not religiously based. I believe in the concept of everyone having a time and a date, but sometimes I find myself questioning that if that's the case, are we just here to live a predetermined fate that we have no control over? At the end of the day, was I meant to go through this? Thinking like that plagues my mind, but I settle for it being her time to go, as seeing other drug users made me wonder what they may be here to prove on earth that Anaia could not. I don't like questioning others' lives and why they get to live longer, that's not me, and I'm glad they've been granted more chances, it just sucks my sister wasn't granted that chance in the grand scheme of things. Predetermined or not, there was so much she could've lived for, but I believe there's a reason time can't be reversed, and there's many unexplained miracles that somehow eases me into thinking that I shouldn't throw myself into a hole of questioning why she didn't get a chance, and just accepting that her race ended earlier than mine. I believe things happen for a reason, it's an insensitive statement depending on the situation, but things happen for people to learn and grow from them, but no one really knows why. I've just had to come to the conclusion hat my sister is okay, she's safe, and I have no reason to continue to question her life and worry about her if she's not here with me anymore, you feel?
From a brother perspective, it sucks. It feels somewhat lonely, to live and breathe as an only child. I've become accustomed to being an older brother to a younger sister, but I turned 16 without her, and that's how it'll be for the rest of my life. At her visitation on March 30th, I didn't cry, but seeing her body just made me shake my head. She looked very nice, the funeral home did an amazing job, but it hit me that this was really her. There were distinct things I saw that she had in life that made me come to that conclusion that that was what was left my little sister, and at the funeral + burial the next day, watching her being lowered into the ground left my head empty. No thoughts, she watching as her casket covered in a white sheet was lowered into the ground, and that'd be it. I grew up with this person, and now I have to look down on this person and go through life without this amazing person. I never imagine something like this happening, especially not like this. I always wanted to die first because I was older, a thought I feared ever since I was a child. That didn't get to happen, and milestones man. She'll never get to graduate the year after me, never get to have that lovely relationship with that special one that she always wanted, she never got to be an aunt, a mom, nothing. One day, I hope to have children and I will tell them about Anaia, but do I wish they'd have been able to meet her if that time came. Everyday, I walk past her room, sometimes I go in there and sometimes I don't. Two weeks after her death, her mattress was taken out by me and my dad's friend, up until a few weeks ago, her room was left scattered the way it was when she died minus the mattress, and now, everything has been cleaned up. It's empty, and the emptiness is another reality check. I'll never see Anaia again, and in the potential next life I believe I will, but the fact I can't now is a hard concept to grasp. No more walking to the bus stop, no more barging into her room or vice versa, no more waiting forever for her to complete her makeup, no more random room hangouts, no more of her asking me to flash a light for her Instagram pictures for an excruciating ten minutes, none of them. Her physical presence is gone, I come home everyday and instantly the thought of her being gone hits me. Riding in the car with my parents, being at school, going out, it doesn't feel the same knowing in the back of my head she's gone, no matter how much fun I have. Regardless, I've returned to normal life, matter of fact, I started going to school every day instantly after the funeral, and during the two weeks of March 17th-March 31st, I showed up to school here and there. It didn't take a toll to do so, because I've accepted that though Anaia died, I'm still alive? I don't stop when she does, that'll have more of an effect. Life still goes on, time doesn't stop for no one no matter how much I may want it to. I honestly sit my current happiness at like a 6.5-7, higher than one may expect. I still have my parents, my friends, and all of my relatives, an important chunk is just missing but I still have my people. I only feel alone in the sibling aspect, but in reality, people make me happy everyday and still continue to. I joke how I've always joked, people have said I look much better than how I did initially, there's notable sadness on my face, but I look happier. If that's true, then I hope it stays that way. I still go out to these afterschool events, outside friend hangous, they bring joy. I just miss my sister 25/8, but I've learned to appreciate life just a little bit more now. If she's okay, I'm okay.
Lastly, I wanted to mention dreams. People say they have dreams of deceased loved ones all the time, I personally haven't yet, would like to, but until then that hasn't been the case. I'm not talking dreams with the person in them, I mean direct communication dreams. My mother has had two, my dad's friend has had one, and my close friend mentioned earlier has had one, but the one that sticks out the most is my little cousin's dream. My mom has a younger sister herself and in 2018, she had her first child, his nickname is JP. During 2021-2022, me and Anaia lived with my grandmother due to losing our apartment (our parents stayed separately at a grouphome my dad worked at, they work for my grandmother's company), and my aunt as well as JP stayed with my grandma. JP essentially became me and Anaia's little brother that we didn't have, and vice versa for him, he sees me and Anaia has his older siblings. Seeing him seem so heartbroken after Anaia died was very sad, as you can see written on this five-year-old's face that Anaia was someone who truly mattered to him and he was so sad about it. However, in his dream, Anaia came to him and told him she loved all of us, that she regretted not seeing him grow older, and that what happened to her was an accident. The part that got me was that Anaia told him that where she was was beautiful, he asked to see it, and she told him he couldn't see it yet. Kids just don't make things like that up in my opinion, and he worded it very detailed for a kindergartener, and JP is at the age where his words don't conflict with other things he's said, he's consistent with it and he tells me the same thing he told me the first time when I ask him here and then. He can see it one day, but he can't see it, not yet. What that tells me is that if life is so hard, death must be so beautiful afterwards, and that there is an afterlife. Even if I believed in a separate religion, or if my current religion isn't the truth, I will always believe in an afterlife. I refuse to believe that this world is it, and kids just don't pull stuff out their butt in a serious situation. I believe him. If that's the case, then I'll gladly wait. It doesn't matter how many people die during my lifetime, whatever remains of it, and how many new people I might meet in my life. If my hope of living to elder age and I meet someone and create a family, and even if said wife and or children die before me if that plan does happen, there's only one person I wish to greet me. I hear that people see a loved one before they die, and I hope Anaia is the one that comes to see me when it's all over. Forever, no matter who else passes before me, Anaia's will stay the worst, the most impactful, and that's a strong statement to make but I'm sure of that. I have plenty of goals I have for myself, but my end goal once the others are done is to get past 70, pass peacefully, and have my sister wait for me there. I hope that wouldn't be much to ask for.
That's it.

This all started in highschool. My whole life I have wanted to be the best at everything I did. I used to have a determination that set me apart and I knew that. Going into my junior year about midway through my football season I was more driven than ever. I lead the state in tackles until midway through my 6th game I tore my acl. That’s when it all started. All I ever wanted was to play college football. Football was the only thing that my dad seemed to take interest in in my life. When I tore my acl the first time I went into a dark place and started abusing the Percocet they prescribed me. I started smoking everyday and I just felt lost so i fell into the wrong crowd. One thing leads to the other and I’m trying to do a all the drugs. I guess it was to fill a void because I am 1 of 6 and I never felt like I got too much attention at home. Going into my senior year I tear my acl the second game of the year. I hated myself because I felt like god took the one thing I truly truly cared about. Throughout my senior year i felt like my relationships with my parents were becoming more and more fractured. I fell into Xanax and opiates pretty heavily because it was the only time I didn’t feel empty. My dad is a lawyer and he always has put work first and I had no idea how it affected me until then. That relationship I yearned for I filled with substances. My mom is more on the radical side of religion and I felt like she didn’t accept me. I started getting kicked out the moment I turned 18. At a time when I needed guidance most I didn’t have any. Fast forward a year and I realize school isn’t for me so I joined the fire department. I still wasn’t old enough to sign a lease so when I got off work I slept in my car for 4 months until my old coach found me. I was dealing with allot and I was still using substances while in the department. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the shit I had seen so i relied on what I knew best. My friends wouldn’t be able to understand the tragedy I’d seen and I never wanted to put that on them so I kept it to myself. Eventually I transferred to a station where there was an abuse of power and I just felt like I didn’t belong. They always told me to separate work and home but when I went to work and dealt with so much shit then went home to sleep in my car I couldn’t take it. A few months ago I tried to take my own life. I bought a bunch of molly and said I was gonna go out that night. I don’t know how I didn’t die that night but there was an angel watching over me. I realized I needed to leave the department if I was going to get better. After I left I was embarrassed and lost so I shut myself out to the world for months. My dad moved out of the old house so I started renting it from him. I didn’t come out ever but the one thing that gave me hope was my dog. She was my everything. Moving back into my dads old house I found some stuff he left behind that worried me. I always knew he liked to drink but I found kratom and a lot of scratched off pill bottles and allot started to make sense to me about who my dad is. A few days ago me and my dad got into an argument. He started calling me a lussy and getting up in my face so I finally called him out. Called him out for everything. The pills the drinking him never telling me he loved me or was proud of me. It just all poured out. He told me I had 5 minutes to leave or he was calling the cops. I couldn’t find my keys so I started walking. I slept on the street for a few days because I was embarrassed to tell my buddy’s even though I know they would have my back. I just don’t want to be a burden. I found out yesterday my dad euthanized my dog and got my car impounded that had all of my stuff in it. Because I don’t have my car I lost my job doing construction. I have just felt lost recently. I haven’t talked to my mom in 6 months and today is Mother’s Day and I’m just hurting. I told my brothers I don’t want a relationship with my parents and they understand because they have dealt with it too. I just don’t know where to go or do next. The one thing I cared about with my wveything my dad killed out of spite. I feel like I want to die.

Wednesday May1

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	Belle & Sebastian + The Weather Station	8pm, SOLD OUT
Baby's All Right	Porridge Radio (solo)	10pm, $15

Thursday May 2

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Lime Garden + Starcleaner Reunion	7pm, $20
Our Wicked Lady	Show Brain Punk Island benefit feat. T!LT + Abbie Roper + Caitlin Starr + Crusasis	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Puppy Angst + Trinket + Bummer Camp + Dogs on Shady Lane	8pm, $15
TV EYE	The Lemon Twigs + Thee Smashing Times	8pm, SOLD OUT
Union Pool	A Benefit for UNRWA feat. Sidney Gish + My Wonderful Boyfriend + Pearjuice	8pm, SOLD OUT

Friday May 3

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Washington Square Park	Vincent Blackshadow + Mary Shelley + Maya Lucia + Caitlin Starr	3pm, FREE
Baby's All Right	PACKS + Why Bonnie	7:30m, $20
Bowery Ballroom	SINKANE + Midnight Magic	9pm, $35
The Broadway	Pamphlets Take Your Place album release show + Colatura + Sharkswimmer	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	The Decemberists + Ratboys	8pm, $61
Brooklyn Steel	Panchiko + Weatherday	8pm, $35
Music Hall of Williamsburg	SlothrustOf Course You Do 10 yr anniversary + Weakened Friends	9pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 1/3 feat. Bitterjoyride + Eevie Echoes (& The Locations) + High Waisted + Abbie Roper + Wetsuit + Avatareden + T@b Grrrl + Iceblynk	7pm, $25
Union Pool	Chastity trilogy tour - 3 records in 66.6 minutes	8pm, $15

Saturday May 4

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	NCF presents Summer Saturdays feat. The Answers In Between + The Overhead Bins + yael s. copeland + Rat Palace + The Fictionals	2pm, FREE
Brooklyn Steel	Ra Ra Riot + Low Hum	8pm, SOLD OUT
Forest Hills Stadium	SESSANTA: A 60th Birthday Celebration for Maynard James Keenan feat. Primus + Puscifer + A Perfect Circle	6pm, $70
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Maxband record release show + Landowner + Docents	8:30pm, $15
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 1/3 feat. Gocco + The Canvas Collective + SORRYNOTSORRY + Debbie Dopamine + Wifeknife + The Martyr + Sex Fixx + Barnaby + Kalen	7pm, $25
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Social Distortion + Bad Religion	SOLD OUT?
Purgatory	Spite Fuxxx + NihilocerosDark Ice Balloons record release show + Two-Man Giant Squid + Brook Pridemore	7:30pm, $15
Racket	Feeble Little Horse + The Dallas Cowboys	8:30pm, $25
Terminal 5	Bayside + Finch + Armor for Sleep	8pm, $35

Sunday May 5

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 2/3 feat. Gold Casio + Femcel + Shadow Monster + Frida Kill + Julia Pierce + DethRok + The Rizzos + Catty + Proprietary Energy Faggots + Just Fabulous + Majorette	4pm, $25
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 1/3 feat. TVOD + Tetchy + A Very Special Episode + Tilden + Big Girl	7pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Sum 41 + The Interrupters + Joey Valence & Brae	7pm, $70
Roulette	Long Play Festival feat. Deerhoof + The Eileen Myles, Steve Gunn and Ryan Sawyer Trio	8:30pm, SOLD OUT
Trans-Pecos	Plight + In Blue + Glimmer + The Twin	7:30pm, $15

Monday May 6

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 2/3 feat. Mary Shelley + Two-Man Giant Squid + partygirl + Nevva + O. Wake	7pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Sum 41 + The Interrupters + Joey Valence & Brae	7pm, $70

Tuesday May 7

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 3/3 feat. SKORTS + Night Spins + Go Home + Jelly Kelly + Avatareden	7pm, $15
Baby's All Right	Babehoven + Knifeplay	7pm, $20
The Bowery Electric	Geoff Rickly of Thursday + Common Sage + Sharkswimmer	8pm, $15
Hart Bar	Harla + Grasping Straws + watergh0st + Rest Ashore	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Marblemouth + Options + Theadoore	8:30pm, $15
Warsaw	Chastity Belt	pm, $20

Wednesday May 8

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Rosie Tucker + Bloomsday	7pm, $20
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Social Distortion + Bad Religion	6pm, SOLD OUT
Warsaw	Fontaines D.C.	8pm, SOLD OUT

Thursday May 9

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	The Wants residency + S.C.A.B. + QIRL	8:30pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	L'Rain + Fred Moten + Brandon Lopez	9pm, $25
(le) poisson rouge	Cloud Nothings + Hurry + Home Blitz	8:30pm, $30
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Sweet Pill + Equipment + Taking Meds	8pm, $17
Trans-Pecos	Trauma Ray + Kraus + Mx Lonely + Bedridden	7:30pm, $12

Friday May 10

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bar Freda	Waterfall Strainer + Endearments + Phantom Signals + Moon Sand Land	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Say Anything Is A Real Boy 20th Anniversary Tour + AJJ + Greet Death	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Gold Sounds	Upper Wilds + Hallelujah the Hills + KATIEE	8pm, $15
(le) poisson rouge	Combo Chimbita + Pachyman + Los Èsplifs	7pm, $30
Main Drag	Mahogany vinyl release show + My Favorite + Honeycrush + Minaxi	8pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Cheekface + yungatita	8pm, $22
Our Wicked Lady	Fish House + Stello + Laura Galindo + Big Honey	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Trace Mountains + J.R. Bohannon	8pm, $15
Saint Vitus	TWIABP&IANLATD + CTTBOTO + Burr + Common Sage	8pm, $25
Trans-Pecos	Woolbright + Cold Wrecks + Figure Eight + Anxioushum	7:30pm, $15
Webster Hall	Psychedelic Porn Crumpets + Spoon Benders	7:30pm, $25

Saturday May 11

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	Hot Water Music 30th anniversary tour + Quicksand + Modern Life is War + The Ergs + Be Well	6pm, $40
Brooklyn Steel	Holly Humberstone + Carol Ades	8pm, $30
Mercury Lounge	McKinley Dixon	7pm, $17
Mercury Lounge	Alex Orange Drink + Tall Juan + John Gallagher Jr. + Greensleeves	9:30pm, $18
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Bad Bad Hats + PRONOUN + OK Cowgirl	8pm, $18

Sunday May 12

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Steel	Holly Humberstone + Carol Ades	8pm, $30

Monday May 13

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Carnegie Hall	The Music of Crosby, Stills & Nash feat. Todd Rundgren + Grace Potter + Taylor Meier of Caamp + Iron and Wine + Rickie Lee Jones + Shawn Colvin + Real Estate et al	8pm, $60+
TV EYE	King Bug + Big Spirit + Shadow Monster	8pm, $15

Tuesday May 14

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Forest Hills Stadium	Neil Young & Crazy Horse	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Union Pool	Climax LandersZenith No Effects record release show + Esther's Lab + Penny + Danny Christmas	8pm, $15

Wednesday May 15

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Helmet + Cro-Mags	8pm, $30
Brooklyn Steel	Amen Dunes + Billy Woods	8pm, $30
Forest Hills Stadium	Neil Young & Crazy Horse	7:30pm, $125+
Heaven Can Wait	The Upstart Crows + TV Moms + The Last Word	7:30pm, $12
Irving Plaza	Sunny Day Real Estate 30th Anniversary Tour + Rocket	7pm, $50
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + Squirrel Flower	8pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	A Very Special Episode + Toward Space + Desert Sharks + Blood of the Bull	8pm, $15
Public Records	AdHoc presents Kara Jackson + Mei Semones	8pm, SOLD OUT
Trans-Pecos	Hills to Height + Bloodsports + Percocet + Fasting	7:30pm, $15

Thursday May 16

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	No Jersey + Perfect Saturday + Dan Flashes + babyfang	7pm, $15
ALPHAVILLE	The Wants residency + Terminator + Pisha	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Made	Loosey + Miranda and The Beat + Dog Date + Sliders	8pm, $20
Brooklyn Steel	Mannequin Pussy + SoulGlo	8pm, SOLD OUT
Elsewhere - Hall	Mk.gee	8pm, SOLD OUT
Gramercy Theatre	Orgy + Cold + Horizon Theory + I Ya Toyah	6pm, $30
Irving Plaza	Sunny Day Real Estate 30th Anniversary Tour + Rocket	7pm, $50
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Les Savy Fav + Public Practice	8pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	QWAM + Debbie Dopamine single release show + Anna Altman + Krissanthemum	8pm, $15
Public Records	AdHoc presents Kara Jackson + Anastasia Coope	8pm, SOLD OUT
Racket	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
Baby's All Right	Fazerdaze (solo) + Mei Seimones	10pm, $15

Friday May 17

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Narrow Head + Dazy + Wishy	8pm, $25
The Broadway	O. Wake + Endearments + hiFi	9pm, $15
Brooklyn Steel	Echo & The Bunnymen	8pm, SOLD OUT
Forest Hills Stadium	The Avett Brothers + Sierra Ferrell	7pm, $60+
Irving Plaza	Mk.gee	8pm, SOLD OUT
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
Union Pool	Heavy Feather & The Magic Word + Boyscoutmarie + Rat Palace	8pm, $15

Saturday May 18

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	NCF presents Summer Saturdays feat. The Answers In Between + The Overhead Bins + yael s. copeland + Rat Palace + The Fictionals	2pm, FREE
2 Wyckoff Avenue	Sound Mind Music Street Festival for Mental Health feat. Kevin Morby + MisterWives + SHAED + Bailen	2pm, FREE
18th Ward Brewing	Di Ivories + BEND + North by North + LEONE	7pm, $15
ALPHAVILLE	STUY + Chronic + Exit Seraphim	8:30pm, $15
Berlin	Ringo Deathstar + Ovlov + The Veldts	7pm, SOLD OUT
Main Drag	New Vision + T!LT + Spite FuXXX + Broken Demeanor	8pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
TV EYE	Theophobia + Royale Minks + OK King	8pm, $15
Union Pool	Couvo + Big Girl + Reclining Nude	8pm, $15
Unruly Collective	Ghostie Recordings presents Castle Blacksingle release + The Rizzos + Joyce + Sorry Darling	8pm, $12
The Windjammer	Jeerleader + Alphabet City + Marinara	9pm, $15
Aboard (some boat) via Skyport Marina	Rocks Off Cruises presents Ringo Deathstar + Ovlov	Boat leaves at 11:30pm, $35

Sunday May 19

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	King Bug + The Wizard + Shira + Onward Debacle	8:30pm, $15
Bar Freda	Dollar Signs + The Big Easy + Perennial + Good Looking Friends + Strawberry Glass	8pm, $15
Berlin	Ilithios + Project Diem + Lukka + To the Wedding	7pm, $12
Brooklyn Monarch	Beach Party feat. Drain + Madball + Terror + Scowl + Regulate + End It + Trail of Lies + Private Mind	5pm, SOLD OUT
The Sultan Room	Ron Gallo (solo)	7pm, $20
Sundown	Radiator Hospital (solo) + Noun (Marissa Paternoster solo)	8pm, SOLD OUT

Monday May 20

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	GUPPY + Kenneth Takanami	7pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	Drain + Teenage Wrist + Stand Still	8pm, $27
Sundown	Radiator Hospital (solo) + Noun (Marissa Paternoster, solo)	10pm, $25

Tuesday May 21

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
The Broadway	Gladie + Shit Present + Talking Kind + Crush Fund	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Palestine Benefit feat. Katy Kirby + Helenor + Jules Olson	8pm, $15+
Racket	CKY + Crobot	8:30pm, $30
Sony Hall	Buckethead	8pm, $45
The Sultan Room	Tredici Bacci + Ryan Power + Jolee Gordon	8pm, $20
Union Pool	Squirrel Flower (solo) + Merce Lemon	8pm, $20

Wednesday May 22

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
The Broadway	Decent Criminal + The Dracu-Las + Bummer Camp + Wifey	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Bowl	Teenage Halloween + My Son The Doctor + Tony & The Kiki + Skorts	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Amos Lee + special guests	7:30pm, $40
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + DJ_Dave	8pm, SOLD OUT
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Saint Vitus + The Bowery Presents present Fleshwater + Modern Color + 9Million	8pm, SOLD OUT
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + Squirrel Flower	8pm, SOLD OUT
Radio City Music Hall	Sleep Token	8pm, SOLD OUT
Sony Hall	Buckethead	8pm, $45
The Sultan Room	Another Michael + Tenci + Raavi	8pm, $20

Thursday May 23

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	The Wantsresidency + Activity + Nara's Room Nick Cage + CS Cleaners + QIRL + Docents	8:30pm, $15
Arlene's Grocery	Yeah Baby + Coral Grief + Brother Language	7pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	Hairpin + Bec Lauder + Kitten	8pm,
Mercury Lounge	Ben Katzman + Colleen Green	9:30pm,
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Gustaf + Edy Modica + Dead Tooth	8pm, $17
Purgatory	Sweetbreads + Slight Of + Majorette	8pm, $12
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 14
Trans-Pecos	Harvey Waters + Silvia K. + S.C.A.B. + Many Shining Windows	7:30pm, $15

Friday May 24

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Strange Neighbors + Sweetbreads + Wish Queen	8:30pm, $15
Baby's All Right	Motherfolk + Kevin Devine	8pm, $30
The Broadway	Rat Motel + partygirl + This Holy Rodeo + Uncle Skunk	8pm $15
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + Petal Supply	8pm, SOLD OUT
Main Drag Music	Dad + Wifeknife + Lost Children + Other Problems + Faiders	8pm, $15
Mercury Lounge	Washer + No Lights	9:30pm, $15
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 15
TV EYE	Sorry Mom debut single release show + Oolong	8pm, FREE
Union Pool	Ok Cowgirl "Little Splinters" single release show + Charlotte Rose Benjamin + Hank Heaven	8pm, $15

Saturday May 25

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	SKORTS + Boyscoutmarie + Genuine Connection + First Sex	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Made	Habibi album release show	8pm, $25
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + GIRL_IRL	8pm, SOLD OUT
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Pearla + Yours Are the Only Ears	7:30pm, $16
Public Records	Salt Cathedral + NOIA	8pm, $20
Purgatory	Cardiel + Aux Blood + Laurel Canyon + Le Bang	7:30pm, $12
The Rockaway Hotel	The Heavy Heavy + Sid Simons	7pm, $30
Trans-Pecos	Leaving Time + Hollow Suns + High.	7:30pm, $15
Knockdown Center	Fatboy Slim	10pm, $30
Baby's All Right	ANTICS fundraiser feat. Shallowhalo + Kassie Krut	11pm, $20

Sunday May 26

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 15

Monday May 27 - Memorial Day

None.

Tuesday May 28

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Irving Plaza	Passion Pit	7pm, SOLD OUT

Wednesday May 29

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Head Automatica + Thoughtcrimes	8pm, $37
The Broadway	Shred Flintstone + Diet Lite + Pamphlets	8pm, $15
Irving Plaza	Passion Pit	7pm, SOLD OUT
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + special guest	8pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	Royale Minks + LEONE + Grandeur + girlie curse	8pm, $15
TV EYE	Magick Potion single release show + Indigo Fuzz + Certain Death + Duel Ferns	7:30pm, $15
The Sultan Room	Shop Talk + Sleepies + Frida Kill	10pm, $15

Thursday May 30

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Arooj Aftab album release show + guests tba	9pm, $40
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	NCF x Super Bock Stock present Lio & Steve's Colossal Birthday Bash feat. Nino Disco + Dead Tooth + Balaclava + Starcleaner Reunion + Pippy	8pm, $15
Mercury Lounge	Glom	6pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Kacy Hill + May Rio	8pm, $22
Our Wicked Lady	Pons single release show + Wince tour kick-off show + Pop Music Fever Dream + Tea Eater	8pm, $15
Rough Trade NYC	Habibi	6pm, FREE
Trans-Pecos	Johnny Dyamite & the Bloodsuckers + Snoozer + Public Circuit + 54 Ultra	7:30pm, $15
TV EYE	Raisalka + Baked + The Zells + Dropper	8pm, $15
Union Pool	Slow Ficiton Crush EP release show + Patiently	8pm, $15
Warsaw	Shannon and the Clams + Tropa Magica	8pm, SOLD OUT

Friday May 31

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Francie Moon + Tula Vera + Wetsuit + Talon	8:30pm, $15
Gold Sounds	Richard Papiercuts + Onesie + Momsomnia + The Roulettes	8pm, $15
Market Hotel	HEAVENLY + Lightheaded	8pm, SOLD OUT
The Meadows	Bad Rabbits + Proper. + Origami Button	7pm, $25
Music Hall of Williamsburg	A Place to Bury Strangers + Suuns + JJUUJJUU	8pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	RADAR + Substitute + Heavy Lag + The Follies	8pm, $15
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Needtobreathe + Judah & the Lion	7:30pm, $50
The Sultan Room	Finom + Frances Chang	8pm, $20
Warsaw	Passion Pit	8pm, $70

​
^{last updated May 10 at 11:27am}

Proof read, edited, and formatted to hopefully be easy for The Trip Keeper to read on YouTube.
A lil about me: I have a family history of schizophrenia with two people in my family being diagnosed. I think that's why psychedelics hit me like a train. I know I'm one of the folks they say shouldn't tripping but I've already done it and I am not stopping anytime soon. I'm quite the spiritual hippie type. I live for the esoteric, bizarre, and werid side of tripping. I'm also quite experienced with psychedelics and drugs in general having tried alcohol, cigarettes, vapes, kava, Kratom, weed, oxycodone, hydrocodone, percocet, Hospital Morphine, Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Conserta, Nitrous, Acid, Shrooms, n-BOMEs, Synthetic shrooms, random Acid non n-BOME RCs, Hydroxyzine (only snorted while drunk), Phenibut, Promethazine w/o codeine, blue lotus, and a bunch of random herbs and nootropics.
A little context to story, I had got some liquid Acid dropped on Bottle Caps Candy from a family member we'll call R. R had called me up informing me he had liquid LSD and to bring a chalky candy when I came to pick it up. He dosed the candy in another room when I picked them up. When he brought them back there was a thick layer of liquid struggling to absorb into each hit so we smooshed another piece on top of each one, 3 tabs altogether. He told me each one was an equivalent of 2 to 3 hits of high quality LSD. I also hadn't tripped in 6 months at this point but that's a story for another sub. Though the reason why didn't have much to do with tripping itself nor anything fun like psychosis.
A couple days later I found myself with my bills caught up, a slow night on Doordash so no work, extra money, weed, some cigarettes, and my roommate was out visiting Family. I had showered and ate some Chinese before taking a short nap. When I woke up it was around 9pm, obviously already dark outside. I was in a good mood, had nothing to do, and didn't want to go back to sleep so I slapped an LSD bottle cap on my tongue and went for a walk.
One of the pieces dissolved really quickly, like less than a minute quick, while the other piece took atleast 15 to 20 minutes fully dissolve. I was slightly nervous about tripping the days prior and was even a lil scared before placing it on my tongue; but, that fear was completely annihilated when 5 to 7 minutes in I felt this electric tingle that started in the back of my head go down my spine. I started smiling, feeling super happy, and chilled out when the tingle reached the base of my spine. I thought to myself, "Wow, I can't believe I was scared to trip again, I feel amazing right now!!" I lit a cigarette and enjoyed my walk for awhile until I started coming to the end of a col-de-sac, the street I was on was on a downward slope I think this affected things but the end of the col-de-sac and the houses started stretching super tall and became super thin kind of like a fun house mirror. I was completely mesmerized by it till I was interrupted by this electric beeping that made my skeleton nearly jump out of my skin. I had looked over and saw this gray box with 2 pink lights on it sticking out of the ground and assumed that's where the beeping came from. I then straight sprinted home cause I wasn't sure if it was hallucination or not. I did go back a few days later and couldn't find the box.
After opening my front door the night is hard to remember linearly but I will try my best. I don't have the texts anymore from this night since I got a new phone. Once I got back home, I had to use the bathroom so I went did my business but while washing my hands I looked in the mirror and noticed my pupils are starting to look a lot like bowling balls. It was then, I noticed the reflection of the SpongeBob, Sandy, and Patrick on ketamine meme my roommate printed out and pinned on the wall. Their eyes were dilating more than normal and they were all swaying back and forth. I texted R to tell him I finally tried the acid and it's strong. It's roughly 10:40p.m. by this point, even though it had been 1 hour 40 minutes since dropping it had only felt like 30 or 40 minutes ago at the most. I was about to sit down and do a dab but I got a almost telepathic sense I was about to throw up rather than a physical feeling I was about to. After throwing up I texted R freaking out questioning if it was acid since it's not supposed to make you nauseous. He just told me "too much too fast" "calm down put your phone down and be safe". I didn't put my phone down.
I started finally doing some dabs after 2 or 3 big rips I looked over and saw 2 shadow people. One was a little girl with blonde hair, a yellow sun dress, no face, instead was an empty void. It was as if her head was an empty shell and her face was the hole. The other one was a middle aged man with short blackish gray balding hair dressed in overalls, no shirt, work boots, also no face. The second shadow person looked a lot like one of my deceased uncles. They didn't feel menacing or demonic nor even holy as one would expect an encounter of this type. I got up and walked to my kitchen probably to get water but I got distracted by a third shadow person who was a woman but I didn't get too good of a look before being distracted by my thoughts. I started stretching and thinking to myself, "well atleast the dark isn't so scary anymore compared to being schizophrenic" at the time it did feel very profound aswell as I am now genuinely less scared of the dark. There's also cardboard cut outs of the Elysian Full Haze and Full Contact IPA cans hung up in my kitchen. People were walking in and out of the giant head on the Full Haze poster, I thought they were sacrificing themselves to the massive head. Thought the dude on the Full Contact poster was holding my brain aswell.
I remember it was around this time the body load and vasoconstriction was getting so intense that my arms and legs felt lankier than normal and my jaw felt like it was wired shut. I drank some water and brought a glass back to my room. When I came back the ocean thunderstorm tapestry above bed had the clouds and ocean actually moving with the lightning striking. I have string lights behind that tapestry that wrap around to the conjoining wall. The string lights looked like technicolor rainbow stars forming beautiful constellations. Normally, they are only blue, yellow, green, red and twinkle but during the trip some were changing colors to pink, purple, violet, orange, and more colors that don't exist. While the tapestry was animated, it had no sound. There's a framed painting of a deer in a forest during the sunrise on the same wall. The light in the painting was actually coming through the painting as if it was a window with sunlight shining through. The deer even had his head down grazing when normally he has his head turned towards the viewer of the painting. I layed down and decided to throw on some music. I couldn't decide on a song, I hit skip on Spotify at least 30 times before settling on Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, cliche I know, but they're one of my favorite bands and usually seem to find me when things start getting intense on psychedelics. I couldn't actually read anymore so I only knew it was Comfortably Numb by the hook and album art.
As I layed in bed I started stretching out and looking around the room. I finally started to relax a lil and calm down from thinking these were possibly nBOMes. I started to really lose myself in the trip. The slight movement of my air mattress made feel like I was floating on the ocean sea, which gave way to a euphoric sense of oneness and that I am an ocean of pure consciousness. The string lights above my bed were twinkling and reflecting slightly off the ceiling. The reflections were blending with the moving geometry on the ceiling. Next, I looked up at my Pokémon 20th anniversary poster. It was a bunch of black and white silhouettes of starter Pokémon from the first five or six gens with the ones in the middle being colored and shaped like Pikachu's head. Every silhouette was pulsating and almost bubbling.
At one point, I watched this abstract splatter colored tapestry for what felt like two hours, in reality it was probably only 30 or 40 minutes at the most. There were rotating hexagonal and octagonal pillars shooting out of the tapestry between the pillars it appeared to boil, the bursting bubbles had sparks flying off of them.
I can't remember exactly when this happened in the night so might as well stick it here. While hanging out in my bedroom, I got up to do what else but smoke more dabs. I did multiple in a row where I would do the whole ritual and forgot I had done so and follow it up with another. While sitting there, I light a cigarette to pass time and to just smoke more while conserving a lil on the wax. On my second or third cigarette in a row I started thinking to myself out loud that, "Ya know, Family Guy is right!! Vaping does look pretty fucking goofy. My twin flame out there probably thinks vaping looks goofy as fuck!! And smoking might look cool to some bitches but they give you cancer and shorten your life. It's less money for weed and psychedelics. I think after tonight I'm done smoking forever." I chain smoked a few cigarettes.
I think this is when I started hearing voices in my head. I was hearing random YouTubers, friends, celebrities, family members, and other random voices saying random words over over again. I truly thought I was hearing my sleeping neighbors' thoughts. I genuinely believed I had Telepathy. The only words I could make out vividly; however, was The Trip Keeper saying, "Gassid" over over like it was a soundbyte looping. At the time I took this as a sign to do Nitrous with Acid and that there was something spiritual I needed to see/experience from it. I was right, however this wasn't the night I did that combo as I had no nitrous at the time and it's an equally crazy experience but shorter story. I'm planning on posting that experience soon, also DO NOT huff nitrous it actually KILLS your brain cells.
Thoroughly freaking out again about hearing voices. I start frantically texting R, however I can't remember what for though. I even vividly remember asking R what would happen if I took more phrasing it "will things get more colorful or last longer?" He never responded. Since I couldn't read I was using speech to text to text R. I also had got up to pace through the house. Ordinarly, I would've left to go on another walk but I had convinced myself if that I had left again one of my cats would get out of the house and somehow I'd get arrested. I look up from my phone to notice a swirling florescent neon colored vortex of geomtry in the middle of my living room. The vortex started swirling towards me and started to suck the words out of my mouth. I saw the phrase ,"The only words that make sense are the ones I say out loud" get sucked out of my mouth by the vortex in bubble letters that distorted and mixed with geometry. As the bubble letters got closer to center of the vortex they would distort super cartoonishly, individual patterns and a mix of colors appeared over each letter. The vortex itself had a wigwag shape to it. At the time I thought in my head, "Damn this is what Jerry Garcia probably ment by "Steal your face right off your head"". I actually attempted to draw this out later on. See the drawing here if I can get imgur to work. I don't really remember turning the lights on all through my house but I vividly remember all the lights being off when the vortex stole my words. I don't remember how the vortex incident ended just that next all I know is all the lights are on suddenly and I'm walking out of my bedroom. It's probably 3 or 4am at this point cause I started hearing my neighbor cough and going in and out for cigarettes the rest of the night. I had laid my recliner, the voices had stopped but that was replaced with an intense loud buzzing inside of my head. I had my head on one of armrests, legs hanging off the other armrest, chair reclined, facing the wall. I was watching the logo on my clawhammer wall flag drip like white blood. My cats, of which I had 10 at the time, 5 being kittens still nursing, were running back and forth and playing with each other. Below the wall flag is a table with a wooden CD tower, my cats Cinderella and Oreo had jumped on the table at the same time. Completely in sync and as one fluid motion they stood up, turned to look at me, arched their backs, and sat down. Their coats were flowing and Cinderella had extra golden stripes in her fur. They stared deep into my eyes for a long time and were trying to ask me telepathically if I was doing okay. I more or less alternated between laying on the floor and my recliner for the next couple hours.
Every now and then I'd hear my neighbor out front coughing. I was debating whether or not to go talk him and wait for the sun to come up. Normally, I would've put on a show from myself at various points through the night but I had no internet at the time.
As the sun was starting to really come up and I was starting to really come down, I went outside and talked with my neighbor for awhile. Told him about my night, he's actually a little bit of a hippie too. I walked to the gas station to get some food. I felt like a zombie the whole way there and back. The light made my eyes sizzle like bacon on the Texas pavement in the middle of July. It felt like my brain was a steaming bowl of scrambled eggs. My jaw felt like I got my shit rocked by Mike Tyson. I came home, ate my powdered donuts despite only being able to taste it's texture which was low-key wigging me out, and watched either Space Ghost Coast to Coast or The Trip Keeper on my phone till I passed out.
The next morning (afternoon), my dad picked me up and we hung the whole day while I recovered and slowly returned to feeling human again. I bummed a cigarette off my dad and decided while smoking it that it was my last cigarette. I actually quit all nicotine for a month and half after this night. I started back up purely because of a bad (tested real) Acid/Nitrous Trip.
I do wanna add while not using nicotine I had vivid dreams about smoking cigarettes and vaping. Keep posted for the follow up stories about my bad Acid/Nitrous Trip, Smoking Dreams, and Snorting Hydroxyzine with Alcohol cause I bet The Trip Keeper wants to hear that last one.

Hi, my name is Christian. I just turned 16 on April 4th, but on March 17th, my younger sister, my only sibling, Anaia, passed away. Anaia died from an accidental drug overdose, on what, i’m not sure, but I assume it was a percocet.
Anaia died when she was fourteen, her 15th birthday would’ve been June 18th. Growing up, me and my sister were neck and neck, we were so close we would be considered twins and would do literally everything together. Even as we entered our teenage years, we may have made new friends, and may have had new experiences, but we never pushed eachother away. We lived with both of our parents, the easiest upbringing imaginable.
We talked about everything. Anaia was depressed, not to a suicidal extent, but to a demotivated, aimless extent. Around 2021, she became more secluded and developed severe anxiety, she once told me that during that time she felt like everyone was staring at her and judging her. She became easily overwhelmed by large crowds. This is when she started smoking nicotine and vapes. I used to ask her why and she would always tell me that it was fun. Smoking nicotine and vapes later ventured into marijuana. She then met this girl, Jade, who was far more mentally troubled than my sister and had tried nearly every drug in the book. Good personality, horrible influence. Jade quickly became Anaia’s main friend. Anaia and I differentiated in the fact that I always had a set of different friends, to everyone i know, everyone knows me but i’m not a popular kid, more like one of those kids in school that wasn’t popular but just someone that literally everyone could recognize and easy to talk to. I have a lot of friends, and i interconnect with differing groups, popular, weird, etc; Anaia didn’t. She had friends but she always felt like she didn’t have many friends or people she would consider friends, so when her and Jade connected, it became an unhealthy spark for them both. Anaia would go to Jade’s house all the time, nearly multiple times a week. All she had to do was ask, me and my parents knew that Jade wasn’t a good influence but we didn’t think much of it cuz at the end of the day, that’s Anaia’s best friend. You can’t make anyone do anything.
Drug use became less fun for Anaia and more of a bore reducer more or less. As Anaia invested more into weed, it became the only thing she did. My sister wasn’t interested in anything anymore, she’d go to school, come home, but smoke everyday, whatever she could. In September 2023, she told me that Jade was trying to get her to do a perc for the first time. I told Anaia that doing a street percocet could be horrible, and that she shouldn’t even try it as i knew she’d get addicted and she said she wouldn’t. In the same hour, I told a friend and he said to tell her it’s nearly as bad as heroin, to which she said we were overreacting and in the following days she tried it. Anaia and Jade would try things like percs, LSD, ecstasy, my sister did nothing further than that. The issue came with her attachment to Jade, they dated a few times. Anaia once told me that doing percocets made her happy, because they reminded her of Jade. Jade made her happy, going there gave her something fun, being with Jade gave her something to do because being at home was too boring for her and she knew that if she went to Jade’s house, she’d do some drugs and have fun with Jade. Doing percocets reminded her of that happiness. My sister would never do anything unless she wanted to at this point, my mom would try to spend more time with her but sometimes my sister would shut her away. Sometimes she would have random spurts of energy, like when her and my mom would paint together, or when she would randomly jump on my dads back, or when she would bust into my room and either lay down on my bed, play on my playstation, or just look goofy in my doorway and slam my door hard enough for the hinges to fly off when she was done. Hell, even pick up my change from my room. Jade wasn’t a bad person, just horrible choices, and long story short, her and Anaia stopped talking after my sister did something jade felt was cheating while jade in jail and they fell out. My sister loved the hell out of Jade, and the last thing she told her ever was that she didn’t want to give up on Jade. Jade tried to tell Anaia before that to get off that stuff, I saw the messages, but she didn’t.
Anaia quit for a bit, but I don’t know when she picked them back up. Anaia would tell me often how she felt depressed and unable to do anything that used to interest her when we were kids. She used to ask me how I could have goals, focus, hella hobbies, hella friends, and be happy with simple things that didn’t involve drugs or partying, how i was so secure with myself and don’t let comments bother me. I always told her I didn’t know. She told me she looked up to me in those aspects. Before that final spring break, I went into her classroom and asked her about her grades. We joked about her grades but she told me in a genuine tone she’d bring them up, as low as they were, they were the grades of someone who totally stopped caring about school. Someone who didn’t care about her grades or test scores, something she admitted to me herself. She didn’t care about it no more and that it was what it was, not the grades of the girl she used to be. In November 2023, she was admitted to a mental spot for four days, no suicide attempt, just extreme depression that overwhelmed her one morning. She told the workers she trusted me the most. Unbeknownst to me, she told her closet friends I was her best friend. My sister was such a fun loving, stubborn, dramatically sassy person when she wasn’t huddled up. It always showed.
I say her death was an accident for several reasons, for one, she had planned several things that Sunday. For two, she always caught herself on percocets. They make you vomit and that’s what she often did and she would often stay home from school some mornings cuz she felt unexplainably sick. For three, there was throw up around her mouth and in her trash can when we found her that morning, and that told me all I needed to know. Until the autopsy comes out, I believe my sister vomited in her sleep after taking a percocet and vomiting once and going back to sleep, thinking she’d be fine just like any other time. Four, she’s told people in dreams it was an accident, believers or not here, I firmly believe that regardless of all beliefs there’s an afterlife for everyone. Around 11AM, my mom found my sister cold and unresponsive, the last time anyone saw her the night prior was 2AM when she came out of her room and did something unusual. Anaia told my dad she loved him and went to sleep, not to my mom and not to me. Maybe I didn’t need it, and I think she was mad at my mom from an argument that night. My sister hadn’t been eating the whole spring break, she barely left the house, and my mom got onto her about her eating some food but she just didn’t want to. My dad finds it suspicious she only told him and not my mom, and makes him believe it wasn’t an accident, but I know my sister, she truly loved my mom and took her back on every occasion possible. They texted often too, so I don’t think that. My sister loved my dad, and they had their bouts of bumping heads but she truly loved and still loves all three of us. As a final comment, Jade is not someone I blame and she even came to the funeral Easter Sunday. I don’t want to paint her as a bad person, just influenced my sister and she’s essential to my sister’s story. Jade apologized for everything and feels way, way more guilt than anyone, and has expressed that so many times. I forgive her.
I came here to talk about drug abuse. Ultimately, what I want grasped isn’t the young life lost but the events leading to it. Anaia was someone who lost herself in drugs, she didn’t know who she was (verbally admitted) without them, couldn’t understand fun without them, and found herself demotivated. She truly had the resources, the support, she just was in a hole she couldn’t bring herself out of, a hole she told me she wanted out of. A hole she wish she could understand how to get out of. Drugs may seem fun but once you start using them for other feelings, it’s a downhill journey. If my sister had the chance, the time, to figure herself out and who she was and what she wanted out of it, she would’ve. She didn’t even know what she wanted with her life, she saw herself living, but it was just that, no goals. 14 is too young, and knowing my area (Carrollton), which has been inthe news in the last year for several fentanyl drug trades and teen related deaths and overdoses, I wouldn’t be surprised if the perc my sister took was laced. That’s if she even overdosed on a percocet, I assumed because they were found in her wallet when the police searched it and it was the only logical explanation.
One day, I’m going to become a Medical Scientist. I draw very well, I’m going to finish making my manga concept. Now, I’m going to add something else to that goals list, i’m going to build a massive foundation/organization/center building for teenagers. One with career surveys, tons of hobbies and recreational activities, counselors, courts, everything. Like a Boys and Girls club, where teenagers can come in and discover themselves. Separate themselves from the bad habits, find new interests. Even if they resort to the bad habits again, they would have learned new hobbies to invest in first, two or more options is always better than a singular bad option. I always told my sister that, as well as other drug abusing friends. “Just do something different”, anything different. Anaia’s death is unfair in that aspect, she didn’t have the time to discover herself and really live her life. I will forever miss my sister, and her death has truly inspired me and impacted many close to me in ways she wouldn’t guess. More than a sister, she was my best friend.

Tom "Dynamite Kid" Billington was born December 5th, 1958
Bret Hart says Tom's lineage can be traced back to a family of executioners who hung criminals in the early 19th century. There was a family of executioners with the last name Billington, though its unclear if Tom came from them.
Tom says he was a prankster and describes how when he was a kid and found a doll meant to be an Xmas gift for his little sister, he painted it all blue.
Tom describes how his father was strict and would punch or smack him hard without warning if he thought Tom was misbehaving. Tom says his dad once broke his nose, and he doesn't remember what the reason was.
Tom tells a story about a kid he called Jimmy Parrot (because he had a big nose) who once shoulder checked Tom. Tom chased him down and slammed his head into a wall, leaving him a bloody mess. Tom says he was scared of his dad's reaction and hid all day until his dad found him, took him to Jimmy's house and tried goading the kid out so Jimmy and Tom could "settle it." Jimmy didn't come out.
Tom's met Ted Bently, who used to wrestle under a mask as Dr. Death. Ted took one look at Tom and got him over to his gym, where he was trained Tom 3 - 4 days a week for 3 years.
Tom was shown how to shoot wrestle by Billy Chambers, who wrestled as Jack Flacon on Tv. Chambers mostly just stretched and shot on him for several weeks or months, but Tom says he learned a lot from the "bastard."
Ted Bentley arranged Tom's first match and gave him the "Dynamite Kid" name.
Tom spent his first few months working for Joint Promotions, where Tom won the British Lightweight Championship from Jimmy Breaks.
In 1978, Tom wrestled a very good match against Mark "Rollerball." Rocco and Bruce Hart, one of Stu Hart's sons, was in the building and saw him wrestle. Bruce Hart immediately invited Tom to Canada to wrestle for Stampede Wrestling. Tom says Bruce promised him a free car, a free apartment, and $400 a week. Bruce refutes this claim in his own book.
At this time, Tom was wrestling 7 nights a week and making maybe $12 a match and was only offered a $1 pay raise if he stayed with Joint Promotions. Sounds like an easy decision to go to Stampede.
On April 27th, 1978, Tom left for Canada with just $20 in his pocket. He planned to only be gone for 2 months, but didn't come back home for 13 years.
Tom remembers the first meeting he had with Stu Hart, who looked him up and down like a piece of meat and said, "Ehhhhh, you're a skinny little bastard." Stu was known to favor bigger guys, and Bruce wasn't very big, so he always tried to push guys along the same size as him and Dynamite. Tom says that Stu later on told Tom that the "skinny little bastard" made him more money than any other wrestler in Stampede Wrestling history.
Tom says aside from Owen and Bret Hart, he couldn't "rate" any of the siblings as legitimate pro wrestlers. He called them all, "glorified." Tom used the term rate as a way of saying he thought positively on a guy.
Tom says everything Bruce had promised him was a lie, but he did get paid around $350 a week.
Stampede Wrestling was the first place Tom got to be a heel, and he said he enjoyed it more than being a good guy. He took pride in getting a crowd riled up to "riot level" as he put it.
Tom tells a story of riding with Harley Race and Bret Hart during one of the tours Harley made to Stampede. Tom still had a very thick accent, and Harley, who was driving, told him he can't understand a word he is saying. Tom says he snapped back. "That's okay, because I can understand you. So that means I'm clever than you!" Harley hit the breaks and ordered Tom and Bret out of the car to fight. Tom says as Harley had both men in headlocks before Tom tripped him, sending Harley Race back first on the ground.
One time Kieth Hart and Bruce Hart took Tom skiing, and through miscommunication, Tom wore no jacket and when he fell down while skiing he was soaked, freezing and pissed off, believing it to be some prank. He said he asked if a t-shirt was fine and said both Keith and Bruce said it was. Kieth insists he warned Tom to bring a jacket, though. In the weeks that followed, he waited to get revenge and broke a couple of Kieth's teeth in a match, claiming it was an accident. He says Keith always wore a mouth guard after that. Then Tom waited for Bruce to hop in the showers so he could fuck with the hot water so Bruce got scalded by the water. Tom laughs about how Bruce had blisters on his head for weeks after.
Tom says he was able to secure tours in Germany and Japan, but Stu Hart always worked a deal where one of kids tagged along as part of the deal.
The first year he went to Germany, Smith Hart accompanied him, and Tom remembers how Smith thought it would be funny to shave his mustache similar to Hitlers and do the Nazi salute in the ring. Tom says the entire stadium was dead silent and Smith was fired on the spot.
Tom ribbed wrestler Axel Ditta by baking a pie made of dog food and leaving it for him as if a gift from a fan.
On his Germany tour, Tom met Junkyard Dog who gave him his first ever steroids.
Tom says he convinced Bret Hart to branch out of his amature repertoire and try arm drags and leap frogs. He said Bret initially refused because of how silly it looked, and insisted on grappling the entire match. In Bret's book, Bret did mention how he learned a bunch of new moves while wrestling Tom, but says it was out of necessity because of how stiff amd uncooperative Tom was.
In Tom's first ever match with Bret Hart, Tom didn't like how rigid and stiff Bret was, so Tom backed him up into the corner and smashed his forearm into Bret's face, breaking his nose. Tom says "he wasn't rigid no more." After the match, a bloody Bret Hart had to be held back from attacking Tom, but Tom says 6 months later Bret thanked him for the match and they became good friends.
In Bret's book, he did say that wrestling Dynamite Kid in a series of bouts in late 1978 looked real because they were real shoot fights. He talked about Tom stiffing him and how he broke his nose in their first match. Bret had to fight back every night with real kicks and punches and elbows, all while the two called moves and holds on the fly to one another.
Bret's book mentioned a time when Tom "soccer kicked" Bret in the face while he was down blading with a razor, causing Bret to cut himself pretty badly.
During his second year in Stampede, Tom met Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who gave him some amphetamine (speed) to help him preform an hour long match.
Charles Bouffont was a green as grass wrestler brought in from Georgia, and his first match was against Tom. Tom remembers the guy being stiff and green, and no sold after Tom ran his face along the ropes as if to burn him. Apparently Charles laughed it off and Tom thought he was trying to show him up. So Tom kicked him hard for real and says "as he fell, his jaw caught my boot, which knocked him senseless. So I just covered him for the pin." Apparently Smith Hart was friends with Charles and had big plans for him, so he was pissed at Tom. Tom says when Smith complained to Stu Hart, Stu couldn't care less. Stu turned to leave and Tom says Smith kicked his own dad, Stu Hart in the balls. I've never heard this story before. Maybe Tom meant it as a metaphorical kick to the balls? The writing honestly isn't clear.
Tom says that despite the stories told, he doesn't think any of the Hart kids were intimidated or scared of their dad Stu. He says the kids would routinely say or do mean things to him and then laugh it off. Very different view or the Hart Family here then you see get reported over the years.
Tim did his first tour of Japan in 1979 and hated it, having to sleep in a van and only got paid $1,000. But he did it for the tv exposure he was getting there. That was for International Wrestling Enterprise.
In 1980, Tom was paired with John Foley as his manager. Bruce Hart takes credit for turning John Foley into JR Foley, a take on JR from the Tv show Dallas, but Bret credits Puerto Rico booker Dick Steinborn for the idea. I was hoping Tom would give his 2 cents here but it's not mentioned.
Tom would rib Foley with pranks as numerous as they were deranged. Tom once lit Foley's hat on fire in the riding van and didn't tell him until Bad News Brown helped Foley put out the fire.
Tom says Bill Watts reached out to Stu about borrowing Tom, but Stu refused, claiming it would hurt Stampede business too much.
Tom says his dad called him early 1981 to tell Tom that his little cousin Davey Boy had gotten started wrestling after also training under Ted Bently. Tom told his dad he would be happy to help Davey Boy out in any way. Tom would end up getting him a job in Stampede Wrestling, with Stu paying for his plane ticket.
A few months in, Davey Boy asked Tom for help getting steroids, and Tom said he would inject hin right there, and gave him 2 shots, 1 in each butt cheek. He didn't give him steroids though, the fucking psycho injected his little 18 year old cousin with milk, fucking milk. The next day Tom told everyone and they all "moo'd" and made cow noises at a confused Davey Boy.
Tom was a reigning World Mid-Heavyweight Champion in Stampede Wrestling when he went off to do a several week tour in Japan. His last match before leaving was with Davey Boy and Tom suggested dropping the belt to him. Bruce Hart veto'd it and told him to just keep the belt but leave it at home for his Japan tour. Tom said "okay" but went out and dropped the belt to Davey Boy anyway. This wasn't uncommon in Stampede Wrestling, as Bad News Brown did something similar when he heard he was dropping a belt to Bret Hart.
After reading several dozen wrestling books, Tom is the first guy to not have anything negative to say about Billy Robinson. That in and of itself, is telling.
One night in Japan in 1981, Tom was slapped in the back by a kid in the front row while Tom walked to the ring. Tom makes it clear that this was literally just a child, and says he grabbed him, tossed him hard over the barricade, ripped his clothes off down to his underwear, then kicked him in the mouth. Tom then wrestled his match and was arrested after. He said he was told by promoter Peter Takahashi to rough up the fans, and suggests it was a set up, but he was released after a day or two.
Tom says Bret Hart was the worst for laughing in the ring. A criticism I haven't heard much elsewhere.
Tom gives a few examples of New Japan Pro Wrestling trying to rip him off on his agreed payment.
Tom was invited by New Japan to wrestle Tiger Mask at Madison Square Garden for a show that was co-promoted with the WWF. Tom says he met Vince Sr who was smoking a cigar all day and Vince Jr who was doing commentary.
Tom tells a story of being in Japan with wrestler Mike Davis, and not only did he slip him a bunch of laxative pills, he shaved a bunch of Mike's hair off in his sleep! Tom calls this a "good laugh."
Tom randomly mentions in the book how he secretly married Bret Hart's sister-in-law Michelle shortly after Bret married Michelle's older sister Julie. He doesn't give any details but from other books I know they only dated a few months before marrying each other, and that Tom was 25 years old when he met 17 year old Michelle.
In another book I've read, Michelle remembers how the day they got married, Tom screamed at a homeless man asking for change on the street and she was mortified. She also describes several times Tom would snap and knock someone out over a minor inconvenience. Michelle said at the time she said it made her feel safe, but she was young, naive and stupid. She doesn't go into detail, but says one time she dropped an ashtray and Tom snapped on her. She said Tom getting angry was like "flipping a switch" in his head.
Tom says he and Davey Boy started tagging together in New Japan in 1983, and that from their first match together to their last, Tom did 100% of the planning and thinking when it came to the matches. It's wild how much Tom paints Davey Boy as some big idiot who can barely put words together half the time.
I have a hunch on the Davey Boy/Dynamite conflict. It was well known that Diana Hart was infatuated with Tom when he came to Calgary, but nothing materialized. Diana went on to marry Davey Boy and perhaps Davey Boy didn't like how his wife originally had her eyes on his older cousin. I can see that starting the friction that led to these two cousins hating one another.
Tom says by mid-1983 he was doing steroids every single day and he notes how it made him more volatile and aggressive.
Tom remembers another time in Japan when a kid slapped his back again in the entrance ramp, so Tom grabbed him and threw him hard over the barricade, before Davey Boy press slammed him into a wall. Tom says he gave the kid one more good kick to the ribs before heading to the ring. Again police were called and the two of them spent a few days behind bars. Tom says the kid was 16 or 17 years old.
Tom remembers how pissed Davey Boy was to learn New Japan was paying Tom more than him. Tom really paints Davey Boy as an unappreciative, ungrateful guy who wasn't as good in the ring as his legacy suggests.
Tom would wrestle much more physically and rough in Japan, to the point where promoters would ask him to slow down for the sake of his opponents who were getting hurt or complaining about Tom's style.
Tom remembers one night in Japan, after a show all the wrestlers were told to stay in their hotel because some gang or mafia related shootings were happening every night that week.
Tom remembers seeing Antonio Inoki getting slapped hard across the face by a mafia member, and then Inoki thanked the man who slapped him.
Tom says his back started seriously hurting at age 25, but he never once considered slowing down or adapting hus style.
Tom says his wife Michelle was worried their first child would be a "steroid baby" and Tom says he just called her stupid and told her not to worry.
After Tom won a world title in New Japan Pro Wrestling, he was offered a briefcase with $15,000 - $20,000 cash to jump from New Japan to All Japan Pro Wrestling. He took it and he said he got Davey Boy the same deal. Tom says he mailed the World title back to NJPW with a letter thanking them.
Tom says Stu Hart was furious that Tom jumped from New Japan to All Japan, because Stu had worked out a deal where New Japan paid Stu $10,000 each time Tom toured there. Tom was pissed he wasn't cut in on the deal, and he says Bret was mad that Tom didn't cut him in on the All Japan deal.
Tom wrestled Terry Funk in AJPW, and says Terry Funk offered him a spot to be in Rocky 4? He never heard back from Terry and after the movie came out, Tom asked Terry what happened. Terry said Tom was too short for the role. This sounds like a rib from Terry tbh.
Tom says the only person better than himself at getting a poor opponent over in the ring, was Terry Funk.
Tom says he once spiked Terry Funk's drink with some speed that kept Funk up for a couple days.
One time in Japan, Tom set Gypsy Joe on fire at a McDonalds. Tom says it was a bad joke but also calls it very funny at the time.
The 1st time Tom wrestled try out matches for the WWF in New York, he was paid $25 for 2 matches. He was pissed and refused to go back to WWF until George Scott called him and promised him more money.
When Stampede sold to WWF, Tom brought Davey Boy to meet George Scott and Vince McMahon. Vince came up wih the "British Bulldogs" title for their team.
Tom refused a WWF contract so he could keep touring Japan and working for Giant Baba, who paid him a guaranteed $20,000 each tour. When Tom was told by WWF agent Chief Jay Strongbow that the Bulldogs would challenge for the tag titles at Wrestlemania 2, but lose, Tom said "No thank you" and made it clear he was going to Japan. 20 minutes later, Strongbow came back and said Bulldogs will win the titles at Mania, but no more Japan tours.
Vince suprised Davey Boy with the dog Matilda that Davey Boy and Tom would go to the ring with. Davey tried to hand the dog off after the match, but Vince said no, that's Davey Boy's dog now for real. Davey had to keep the dog, I had no idea.
Tom remembers how Greg Valentine would complain about how physical Tom and Davey Boy were in the ring.
Tom says Vince let him pick a manager for the team, Tom picked Captain Lou Albano.
Tom remembers when he overheard Lou screaming at Vince McMahon "You fucking irish bastard! You can't fire me Nobody can fire the Captain! Your dad said so!" Tom then immediately says "Anyways, Vince fired him."
Tom says he was paid $20,000 for his 15 minute Tag title win at Wrestlemania 2.
Tom calls Brustus Beefcake a "load of shit."
Tom says he injected cortisone into his shoulder right before ever single match.
Tom blames roid rage for a time he slammed some guy's head into a wall while the man was using a urinal in a public bathroom. The man had said he does karate, so that's what Tom did to him.
Tom says all the wrestlers would do coke together after the matches and swap urine samples to avoid drug testing punishments. Tom remembers smoking crack all night once with Junkyard Dog.
December 13th, 1986 is the night Tom fucked his back up real bad in a match. During a routine set of moves with Don Muraco, Tom went to leapfrog over Don, but as he did, he felt his back spasm in pain and Tom just fell to the mat, unable to move his back or legs and in a ton of pain. Tom couldn't even talk and tell Don to stop kicking him after he fell. No one, from Don to the ref, to Don's manager Mr Fuji realized something was wrong.
Tom says he pulled himself to the apron and fell out of the ring, eventually counted out. Mr Fuji hit Tom with a chair a couple times until they all figured out something was wrong.
Tom remembers his leg twitching out of control as he was in the stretcher and ambulance, he later found out that was because of nerve damage in his back.
Tom would have a 6 hour surgery to fix several ruptured disks in his back, when he woke up, he couldn't feel or move his left leg and was told that is temporary. They were kinda right, but he never got feeling back in his foot.
The doctors told him he should never wrestle again. Tom didn't tell anyone else that fact for years, not Vince or his wife Michelle or anyone. He left left the hospital before doctors cleared him to, and in another book, I read how his wife Michelle found him crawling up the front steps of their house that day, attempting to get home.
Tom says Davey Boy only visited him once in the hospital, and he came with his wife and a press photographer. The Hart's have since disputed this claim and say Davey Boy was there for Tom at this time. He also says he later found out that Davey Boy had called home to their family and said Tom was a drug addict who would die soon, but presented himself as a straight laced good guy trying his best to hold Tom together.
Tom was WWF Tag champion with Davey Boy, but he refused to hand over the titles and Vince tried for a week's. Eventually Tom agreed to a match, just 6 weeks later on later January 1987, where The Bulldogs dropped the titles to the Hart Foundation. Tom says Vince wanted Shiek and Volkoff to go over but Tom refused and insisted on Hart Foundation.
Tom was literally wheel chair bound the day of the show and needed to lock arms with Davey Boy and allow Davey to pretty much carry them both to the ring.
Tom insisted on making it back for Wrestlemania 3 that year but says he was in tons of pain and doesn't even remember it.
Tom remembers one time, road agent Chief Jay Strongboy asked Tom for a bunch of steroids, for Jay's son. After Tom handed them over, Strongbow fined him $200 because he was late to the show that day.
Tom says Vince made him shave his 5 o-clock shadow because he likes his babyfaces clean shaved.
Tom says a normal day was taking speed in the morning to wake up, then Valium to sleep on the plane, percocet before the match, then beers and coke after the show.
Tom says his Wrestlemania 4 match was cut short so the main event got more time.
Tom says he pitched turning the Bulldogs heel to Vince, who said no. Tom believed this was due to his small size, so he started taking horse steroids.
Tom suffered his first seizer in the summer of 1988, he was on an escalator at the time and fell all the way to the bottom.
Tom describes a pretty famous incident between him and Rougeaus Brothers in 1988, after Curt Hennig cut up the Rougeaus gear and blamed it on Tom. Tom walked into the dressing room to have both Jacques and Raymond screaming at him about their gear. Tom waited until their back was turned and he cuffed Jacques across the ear and then took him down as Jacques tried to shoot on Tom. Tom says he fed Jacques shots until his brother Raymond tried to calm Tom down, so Tom knocked Raymond out as well.
A few weeks later, Tom thought the incident was in the past since it was Mr Perfect who cut uo the gear, but the Rougeaus weren't over Tom knocking them out. Tom says he was a walking backstage at a show and saw The Rougeaus with Pat Patterson, so Tom assumed they wouldn't try anything. He was wrong. Jacques sucker punched him a legit pair of brass knuckles, shattering 4 of Tom's teeth and cutting up his gums real bad. Tom says he remembers being stunned but knowing he can't fall down, so he braced himself on the wall as Jacques feeds him 2 more painful punches and Pat Patterson is screaming at him to stop. Tom says he saw Raymond coming in to hit him as well and figured he was about to die. Bad News Brown showed up and cleared the brothers off.
Pat Patterson gave Tom some money and told him to get fixed up at a hospital, but don't tell them what happened. When Tom later spoke to Vince, he remembers the first thing Vince said was "Goddamn Tom, I can't believe you didn't go down!" Tom said Vince talked him out of retaliation against the Rougeaus, because of their alledged criminal connections in Montreal.
Tom thinks that Pat Patterson was in on it, convinced that Pat set him up to nearly get killed by standing guard for the Rougeaus as they assaulted him. And based off Vince's reaction, Tom suspects Vince may have been in on it too.
Tom says Davey Boy again called home to their families to tell them about Tom getting beat up, but added that he saved Tom's life. Again, Tom didn't hear about this until years later.
Tom says The Rougeaus Brothers weren't fired or even suspended or fined.
Tom says Vince arranged a meeting between him and the Rougeaus, where Tom promised to drop everything if the brothers pay his dentist bill. Jacques tried to argue but his brother Raymond told him to shut up and then assured Tom they would pay the bill, and Tom says they did.
Bret Hart says Tom was a different person after the attack, and compares Tom to a toothless or neutered dog.
Tom calls Arn Anderson a great wrestler but says Tully Blanchard is "full of shit."
Tom decided to quit WWF and go back to All Japan after he and Davey were the only wrestlers forced to drive home after a tour. Everyone else got plane tickets from the office, but Tom and Davey had to drive.
Tom remembers wrestling The Brainbusters on one of his last nights with WWF, and was told by Pat Patterson to put them over. Tom refused, flat out. Pat called Vince to complain, but Vince just said "Let Tom do whatever he wants." So the Bulldogs got DQ'ed.
Their last WWF match was a Survivor Series elimination match, which Tom was curious about since The Rougeaus were on the opposite team, and he was curious if they would get a chance to square off. Bret eliminated The Rougeaus in the first 5 minutes, and by the time Tom got to the back, they had already left the building.
Tom says Davey Boy had to give back Matilda the dog when they finished up with WWF. I wonder what happened to her.
Tom says his wife Michelle wasn't happy he was off the road after finishing up with WWF. Tom says she had freedom to do as she pleased in the 4 years he was with WWF and she was probably scared of losing that.
Tom never mentions it in the book, but he owned a bunch of guns and a big ranch where he would shoot gophers and other animals as a lesier activity.
The only good thing Tom says about Davey Boy is how it was smart of Davey to trademark his name before WWF could. Though, Tom thinks it was probably Davey's wife who suggested it.
Tom went back to Stampede Wrestling and was suprised when Ross Hart told him they wanted Tom to book the territory. Ross initially told Tom it was because the boys were too rowdy on the road and that they all respect Tom. Ross also said they hoped by putting Tom in charge, that it would rein him in a bit so he doesn't "act as stupid as you usually do." Ross Hart's words, alledgedly.
Tom says Bruce didn't like that Tom was booking Stampede Wrestling, and says he had to to tell Bruce "no" when Bruce suggested they co-book the promotion. Bruce liked over the top gimmicks like fire balls and such, but Tom just liked basic wrestling.
Tom says that within a week, he was selling out buildings for Stampede.
Tom stresses that he wasn't like Bruce or any of the Hart's as a booker, that he wasn't a glory hound and he liked making guys look strong and putting others over.
Tom never mentions it, but he was ultimately demoted from booker back to just wrestler because of how wild and unpredictable he was, according to Ross Hart.
Tom did another tour in Japan in January 1989, and remembers how he met The Nasty Boys there. He didn't like them, so when they wrestled, Tom and Davey Boy no-sold literally everything and beat them flat in the ring. Tom says he got in trouble because the office had big plans for Nasty Boys, and The Bulldogs just made them look like fools.
Tom remembers a trip to Yellowknife, where he and all the boys from Stampede piled into a cramped Van for the long trip. Bruce didn't join them, and Tom was pissed when a Buick passed them, and Bruce was sitting in the passenger seat, feet up in the dashboard, and he just smiled at Tom. At the show, a pissed off Tom confronted Bruce who was snarky about it, so Tom punched him hard in the jaw. During his match, Tom noticed the ring announcer to be the one driving the Buick with Bruce, so Tom punched him too. Bruce and the driver ended up barricading themselves in the van after they called the cops on Tom. Tom says the cops physically restrained him as Bruce and the announcer hopped into the Buick and drove off.
Owen Hart was getting married a week later, and Bruce was best man, but after getting punched by Tom, he refused to go if Tom was there. So Ross Hart asked Tom to go wrestle a show in Edmonton that day instead. Tom agreed but skipped the show and the wedding, instead going to a pub and drinking alone all day. Tom says a week after the wedding, Bruce Hart shook Tom's hand and they mended that fence a bit.
Tom says the only Hart who stayed mad at him for the incident was Dean Hart, who once barged into Tom's dressing room as he slept and screamed at Tom. Tom says he started yelling back until Ross came in, scared for Dean's safety. Dean was very sick at the time, and Tom says he was never going to hurt Dean, but it doesn't matter, because a month later Dean was dead.
Tom says Vince McMahon reached out to him several times about bringing the Bulldogs back to the WWF, but with the intention of putting over The Brainbusters. Tom turned him down each time.
Tokyo Joe was a guy who worked in the office for All Japan and had a wooden leg. John would work out deals for Stampede talent to work in Japan, but he always kept 10% of their guarantee. Tom was trying to get a deal worked out for Chris Benoit to go to All Japan. Tokyo Joe and Tom got into an argument over this, with Tom questioned Joe on why he always takes guys money. Joe said if Tom had any sense, he would do the same! So Tom snapped back at him "If I had any gasoline, I'd pout it all over your wooden leg and set it on fire."
Tom got a couple of bad checks from Stu Hart, so he told Stu he would be quitting, then he handed the checks back to him, saying "you need these more than I do." Stu didn't say anything, but he did take the checks back.
Tom reached out to Ric Flair who was "booking" WCW to inquire about working there. Flair gave him some bullshit reason why he can't and Tom realized his reputation had finally caught up with him.
Tom was offered a spot in a territory down in Portland, but was told he has to promise to leave a wrestler named Mitch Snow alone. Tom said he pulled some pretty harsh pranks on Mitch in Japan, years prior, including deliberately spiking his head down on the mat hard during an assisted piledriver. Tom told the promoter to just forget it.
Stampede Wrestling was finally going out of buisness for good, and Stu wanted the last couple shows to be big, so he asked Tom to work a couple street fights with Owen Hart. Tom didn't want to let Stu down, so he and Owen had a couple of very good matches, according to Tom.
Tom spent most of 1990 working All Japan tours and a random New Zealand tour as well. Tom notes how he wasn't up to preforming at the level he used to and was in more and more pain every day. He couldn't do his repertoire of moves (like the snap suplex) on bugger guys anymore.
All Japan does an annual tag tournament, so when November 1990 came around, Tom expected himself and Davey Boy to be there. Tom was suprised when he heard through the grapevine that not only was Davey not doing the tournament, he was going back to WWF alone. Tom says he didn't care that Davey went back to WWF, he was upset that Davey didn't tell him and left him hanging in Japan. Tom says he never got a chance to ask Davey Boy about it, because they literally never spoke to each other again. Davey Boy didn't die for another 13 years, so he and Tom, who are cousins, just ignored one another for over a decade until one of them died. Wild.
Tom says his next tour with All Japan was nearly canceled because someone called them and said Tom was in a bad car accident and wouldn't make the tour. Tom says Davey Boy and his wife were the only ones who knew about his tour, he is convinced Davey Boy tried to fuck him over here.
Tom never mentions it, but every morning his wife Michelle would have to change the bed sheets because they were literally soaked in sweat, and when she asked him why, he snapped at her "because I'm in pain, ya fookin' cow!" Tom never told her how fucked his back was.
Michelle remembers New Years Eve 1991, she was very pregnant and wanted to stay in, but a drunken Tom came home with a gash in head and bleeding everywhere. His 2 kids were crying and scared as Tom screamed at Michelle to get dressed do they can go out. Earlier that night Tom refused to pay the $5 cover charge to a bar, and after some words were said he ended up getting beat up by several guys.
Tom says it was no suprise when his wife Michelle asked for a divorce, despite being pregnant with their 3rd kid. Side note: Tom barely mentioned his children in this book, literally just once or twice.
Tom says he got back to Calgary to find an empty house and a one-way plane ticket to England sitting on the kitchen table. Michelle later says she spent her last dime on that ticket before fleeing the house with her kids. Tom says he left the $30,000 he had from wrestling that year on the table for Michelle and the kids. (Michelle refutes this claim of leaving 30 grand) Tom says he returned home for the first time in 13 years, broken back, empty bank account and back living with is parents.
Michelle said she took the kids and fled to a women's shelter, because one of Tom's frequent threats through the years was that he would cut her up so bad no man would want her.
Tom makes no mention of a pretty notorious story of him pointing a loaded gun at Michelle one night.
Tom says he took LSD at Dan Spivey's house and his heart stopped. He technically died twice on Dan's floor and the paramedics arrived to what they thought was a corpse. Tom was told by doctors that the steroids had fucked up his heart and he had to stop taking them immediately.
All Japan wouldn't let him wrestle as much on the next tour. Giant Baba took one look at Tom and said he was too sick to wrestle.
Tom wrestled the UK independent scene again using the "British Bulldog" moniker until Davey Boy had lawyers track him down to put an end to that. Tom says he was lucky to make $30 a night, but Davey Boy who was making far more than that still had to screw over Tom.
Tom finally decided to call it quits after the 1991 All Japan tag tournament. He was advised to slow down in the ring, but he couldn't, he could literally only wrestle going full speed. He got a nice going away celebration where the wrestlers lifted him uo in the ring and they all signed a nice sweater and gave it to him. Tom made snide comments in the book about how little pageantry there is in "endings" for pro wrestling, so I think he really appreciated this, even if he doesn't say it outright.
Tom mentions a time when Bret Hart and Chief Jay Strongbow were on a WWF UK tour and decided to visit Tom at home. Tom talks about Bret offering him a job and Tom politely saying no. Bret's book also describes this story but it's much darker from Bret's perspective as Bret described the house like a drug den and was upset at how Tom treated who Bret assumed to be Tom's new girlfriend. After they left, Strongbow told Bret that he wishes they didn't visit and how it ruined his opinion of Tom.
Tom's dad died of cancer and Tom notes how devastated he was. He also mentions how because of Tom and Davey Boy's fractured relationship, Tom's dad and Davey Boy's mom stopped speaking to one another. They were siblings and Tom remembers them always being close, and he tells a sad story of when Tom's dad refused to see his sister before he died. Tom doesn't say it, but I think he felt a ton of guilt over this.
Davey Boy was back on the UK independent scene eventually too, and Tom went to a show he was wrestling at. Tom said he saw a display table full of Davey's pictures, so Tom snapped and tipped it over. The promoter and Davey Boy's dad tried to calm him down but eventually police were called and Tom was hauled off. Tom heard later that Davey Boy was hiding on his dressing room the whole time.
Tom wrestled random one off matches for a couple of years whenever he needed money, but his last match came at a small promotion in Japan. He spent the day fighting off seizers until he finally got hit by one that sent him to the hospital for a couple of days.
Tom mentions meeting his second wife Dot and getting married in 1997. He seems to consider her the only person who liked Tom Billington, instead of Dynamite Kid.
Throughout the Mid-90s Tom would experience episodes where he couldn't walk or his legs would give out and he would collapse. Finally in late 1997, he never recovered from one of these incidents, and was told that his back was beyond fixing. He was told he would never walk again. Tom says he refused to cry in front of the doctors, he just politely thanked the doctor and then asked Dot to get him out of that hospital.
Tom says it took him months to come to terms with his condition, and found it impossible to watch wrestling anymore. He did hear Jim Ross mention his name several times during Wrestlemania X7, to which Tom was greatful to still be remembered.
When WWF held a ppv in UK in 2001, Tom stopped by and got to see his old friends. It sounds like nice closure for the guy.
Tom says he will probably never speak to Davey Boy again, and as far as I know, that's true since Davey Boy died 2 years after this book came out.
He and Dot eventually split up after the book came out as well, though little is known on details there. Michelle tried to reach out to him in 2005 when she heard part of his leg was amputated but he never responded to her.
Last anyone really heard from Tom, he was alone and living in destitution.
Tom suffered a stroke in 2013 and tried to sue WWE in 2015 along with several others over concussion issues, but the case was dismissed.
Tom died on 5 December 2018, his 60th birthday. The exact cause of death remains unconfirmed, but the BBC report of his death placed it in the context of his previous reported health issues.
The final line in the book reads, "Wrestling was my life, and I loved it. No regrets. I had a blast."

Soo I've been addicted to norco and percocet since my 1st C section 15 years ago...my dad is an addict as well as my 2 brothers...all 3 of them have been using Suboxone with their Dr's for 5 years now, I didn't accept that I had a very bad problem until 2 years ago....one of my brothers gave me a sub 2 years ago to see if it helped me....long story short I've been obtaining it off the streets to stay out of a program as I wasn't ready to face the real truth....I weined myself completely off of them about 9 days ago...and I haven't touched anything since. That doesn't seem like very long to me and I'm struggling bad tonight...I got the flu and strep on day 2 (I don't know how on earth I pulled through without a fix) but I haven't been able to eat anything at all since the sicknesses have passed, I work at amazon and I almost passed out packing today, I'm able to keep water down but no appetite at all...is this normal with withdrawal/recovery....I keep getting like waves of goosebumps over me, I've been noticing I get a completely random drippy nose while working and feeling so tired I could fall asleep standing up, nothing interests me now and I'm afraid this is going to break me, I don't want to ever use again....any words of encouragement or advice would help tremendously...thanks for reading

I am a schizo-affective bipolar 1 disorder (emphasis on Mania), PTSD, Anxiety, Major and seasonal depression, extrovert, street and intellect smart, Low Latent Inhibition, ADHD Combined, acute psychosis, delusions, hear voices in and out, anorexia, insomnia and more.
I’m 33, Opioid addict in recovery, addiction door opened to Percocet at 12 and slowly but surely hit full blown addict at 14. Recovery for roughly 10 years but it’s still a battle.
This is mainly a rant but it seems the Gov in a nutshell did this:

1. Flood “Pharmas” (pharmaceuticals) through labs like Abbott and drugs like OxyContin, Alprazolam, Vicodin, Valium, Fetanyl, Adderall, etc.,
   
2. Push these pills to doctors and award them for selling them. Then, bring in Feds to make sure pill mills were literally allowing people to walk in and ask for what they wanted and the doctors would write the scripts.
   

3.) Propaganda and ignorance pumped these drugs into the masses, knowing the addiction it would cause. Little education about the withdrawal and addiction risk of any was given.
4.) Cut supply off, people that need these narcotics can no longer get them because of the “addicts” when really it was the Government that pushed to addiction just to slice all hope for the ones in need and in addiction.
5.) Provide drugs to get one off Opioids that are like heroin and are even harder to get off of. No help otherwise.
6.) Suicides, withdrawal OD, OD, laced pills, fentanyl pushed over the border like crazy by the Gov. and cartel/militias. Keep the eye off the Gov. and blame the dealers and addicts.
7.) Fentanyl crises due to lack of help, resources, product the like. Doctors look at addicts like pieces of sh**. Pharmacists hold script to make one withdrawal - causing one to see self medication.

Artist: Doja Cat
Album: Scarlet
Label: RCA / Kemosabe
Release Date: September 22, 2023
POPHEADS FRESH THREAD
Tracklist and Lyrics: Genius
Listen: Spotify Apple Music YouTube

Introduction

Now, I think we can all agree that Amala Ratna Zandile Dlamini needs no introduction. More commonly known as Doja Cat, the rapper and singer had her breakout year back in 2020, with the success of “Say So”. Doja had released two albums prior to this, both known for their infectious pop-rap sound with a mix of radio-friendly beats such as “Like That”, “Go To Town” and “Juicy”, as well as some hard rap beats in “Rules” and “Tia Tamera”, as well as experimental tracks including “Bottom Bitch”. Fast forward to 2021, and Doja’s third studio album Planet Her was a monster success, spawning an impressive five top 20 singles. Planet Her was seen as a solid pop-rap album, blending the two genres and Doja had crafted her own sound.
As some of you may know, when it comes to outside of music, Miss Cat has her fair share of online antics and controversy. Doja is known for regularly trolling on social media, something which has been known to either make people love her more for her IDGAF attitude, or it can turn people off her. Why do I mention this, you may ask? Well, it’s because this online presence is what led Doja to tweet about the topic of not being taken seriously as a rap artist. It’s easy to dismiss that at first, but Doja is allowed to have those feelings as an artist. Whilst she made some comments about her old music being ‘cash-grabs’, leaving some fans with a bitter taste in their mouth as it felt like she was dismissing her older stuff which got her to where she is, it’s safe to say that this album felt like Doja had something to prove.
Scarlet is a rap record, through and through. The album does have a few moments of the pop-rap sound love that we all love and know Doja for, which I’ll go on to explain later, but what’s exciting about Scarlet is that it felt like Doja was making music she really wanted to put out. That’s not to say she didn’t want to release her previous stuff, but there’s something quite brave about wanting to drift away from the sound that people love you for.

Theme

A key concept of this album which I thought was important to briefly touch on was the album’s theme. Unless you’ve been living under a rock these past few months, the image adopted by Doja for this era was met with a lot of controversy. Doja adopted a much darker image for this album, leaning into themes of occult imagery. The red ‘Scarlet’ character as seen in the music videos for “Attention” and “Paint the Town Red” show Doja’s commitment to the theme, and Doja went full-on with her promo, with wax figures of the Scarlet character popping up worldwide.
I’ll take this opportunity to briefly discuss the visuals for this era too. The era started off with “Attention”, with brilliant cinematography showing Doja walking down a city street, with glimpses of this Scarlet character throughout. Then, we get “Paint The Town Red” which starts with the Scarlet character again, before we then see a range of different imagery throughout before returning to Scarlet. The most impressive video, at least in my opinion, was single number three, “Demons”, which felt like a trailer for a horror movie at times! Starring the brilliant Christina Ricci, the video depicts Doja as multiple demonic creatures terrorising Christina’s character. It does feel like the video was tongue-in-cheek in a way, by nodding to the conspiracy theorists saying Doja sold her soul to the devil. The final video (so far, anyway - maybe we’ll get more) for “Agora Hills” was quite different to the rest of the era, and it’s the first video that appears to be filmed in the daylight. The video for “Agora Hills” fits the song’s vibe really well, and it’s really cool to also see the scenes which contrasts between the masculine and feminine sides of Doja. And of course, Doja as a stereotypical Valley girl with the long toenails was a highlight!
It could be argued that Doja could’ve gone further with this Scarlet character during the rollout, but it was still cool to see an artist, especially a female rapper, put so much creativity into the theme of the album. It can be argued that a photo of the Scarlet character from the “Attention” video would’ve made an amazing album cover, as opposed to the actual cover.

Track by Track Analysis

Paint The Town Red
Music video
Starting off Doja’s ‘first full rap album’ is the Billboard #1 hit, Paint The Town Red. The song itself samples the Dionne Warwick classic “Walk On By” throughout, setting up a soul-jazz background for the track. Paint The Town Red feels like a smart way to open up this album. The song itself wouldn’t feel out of place on Planet Her, as it adopts a pop-rap sound and isn’t as hip-hop heavy as some of the album’s other tracks. Lyrically, Doja talks about doing what she wants to do and not necessarily appealing to the public (“I said what I said, I’d rather be famous instead”). The song clearly did well with the general public, staying at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for three weeks and therefore giving Doja her first solo Billboard #1.
Demons
Next on the album is the D.A. Got That Dope-produced “Demons”, a primarily trap song that embodies the sound of artists such as Playboi Carti. Sonically, the sound feels refreshing for Doja, and the hook itself is very catchy. I would argue that the verses aren’t her strongest, but they still aren’t awful (“who are you, and what are those… you are gross, Percocets got you playing with your nose” aren’t the most creative bars, but the way Doja delivered them elevated them).
Wet Vagina
The third track on this album has one of the oddest titles you might ever see. However, despite its explicit title which might mislead you into thinking this will be some sort of horny anthem, “Wet Vagina” is actually just a braggadocious song in which Doja talks about being young and rich. The song itself could probably be seen as more of a filler track by some, but the beat itself is very strong. That’s a common theme throughout this album, strong beats galore.
Fuck The Girls (FTG)
On “FTG”, Doja takes the moment to talk about her success and the fact she doesn’t need approval from other girls who hate on her success. This is a personal favorite of mine, because I really enjoyed Doja’s flow on this track and it felt like she put a lot of energy into her delivery. The song starts with a guitar beat, which could easily make you think we’re going for a slower vibe, before then transitioning into a slightly more aggressive beat.
Ouchies
Next on Scarlet is fan favorite “Ouchies”. Coming in as the shortest track on the album at 2 minutes and 2 seconds, its impact certainly isn’t forgotten with this being a highlight of the album. The song, produced by London On Da Track, definitely sounds like something that the likes of Missy Elliott or Eve might have released, which is a great compliment to Doja given that she has cited both of them as an inspiration, even collaborating with Eve on the Planet Her deluxe track “Tonight”. The song itself is another song of Doja giving fight talk, which appears to be a theme of this album - Doja clearly has something to say and feels like she has something to prove. A moment of appreciation for the Billie Eilish reference here, with the “a hunnid billies, I’m the goat, no Eilish” showing itself as one of the most creative wordplays I’ve seen involving a celebrity’s name in rap!
97
As we approach track six and reach over a third of the way through the album, “97” provides more of a slower vibe compared to the tracks beforehand. “97” has a much more sensual vibe behind it, with the delivery of the hook. Another inspiration of Doja’s is Kendrick Lamar, and this song - in particular, the hook - really reminds me of Kendrick. I can totally see him on a remix of this song! The way she goes from a melodic hook to then spitting bars on the verses is impressive on this track, and the “butter face, butter body, butter toes” line is another example of Doja’s sense of humor shining through in this album through her rap wordplay.
Gun
Next up is “Gun”, which if you haven’t heard the song, is a metaphor for a man’s sexual organ. “Gun” is one of the songs that Doja played on Instagram Live months prior to the album release, with the song becoming a fan favorite prior to release. The song feels like it wouldn’t feel out of place on Planet Her, being much more pop radio friendly than some other songs on this album. The song has a very catchy hook (“here’s a new position from the front… baby I know how to use a gun”), and again, Doja’s delivery makes the song even more fun.
Go Off
“Go Off” marks a transitional point in the album, in which Doja starts to introduce more slow, R&B/soul type beats as opposed to the more trap, hip-hop beats that came in the first half of the album. The song seems to talk about empowering women (“lil mama, go off… she that bitch in charge”), an interesting contrast to earlier in the album with “Fuck The Girls”. Doja uses this song to showcase her vocal talent with her “go off” ad-libs, and the song is a refreshing new sound.
Shutcho
“Shutcho” is one of two songs that weren’t on the original album tracklist, but can be found on a streaming version of the album (oddly enough, there’s also a streaming version with just 15 tracks). This song is yet another one about the haters, and Doja taking the opportunity to speak her shit. The song samples the classic “I’m Not in Love” at the beginning and throughout, again showing Doja’s ability to take a song that you wouldn’t expect her to sample, and doing it well. I would class this one as another filler track, it’s fine but didn’t necessarily need to be on the album, which wasn’t originally the case.
Agora Hills
Possibly the one song on the album that everyone can agree on being an absolute banger, “Agora Hills” is a true masterpiece and embodies everything that fans and the general public love and know Doja for. This song is definitely reminiscent of Hot Pink and Planet Her, and is much more of a pop-rap sound for Doja. The song itself is a slow jam that infuses pop and R&B influences, where Doja discusses the love she has for her partner, as well as alluding to fame again and wanting to keep her lover a secret. The song is currently climbing the Billboard charts, and recently hit top 10, again proving the longevity of Doja’s albums and her ability to spawn out lots of hit singles! The iconic Valley girl accent that we hear on the verses is just such a great idea, and the song is structured in such a unique way that just works so well. “Agora Hills” is a reminder of the music that Doja is known for, whilst her rap verses remind us that she’s also not afraid to try new sounds. The song also samples the classic “All I Do is Think of You”.
Can’t Wait
Another slower song is “Can’t Wait”, in which Doja showcases her vocal abilities again on the hook. The song is another one talking about the love for her partner, and it’s quite interesting how she flips the script in her verses. Typically it’s expected that a man provides for a woman, but in this song, Doja talks about she wants to treat her man with materialistic possessions.
Often
Starting off with a very interesting, jungle-type beat is “Often”, another melodic song in which Doja discusses wanting to get down and dirty. Once again, Doja sings on the hook for this song, and then raps the verses. It’s impressive how strong her vocals are throughout, and this is no exception.
Love Life
Next up is “Love Life”, a song in which Doja discusses her appreciation for her life right now, her success and everything that comes with it. It’s actually quite refreshing to see from her, as we have seen her talk quite candidly on social media about her disillusion with the fame and celebrity world, and this is something that’s also been mentioned throughout the album. This song doesn’t involve any singing unlike the ones before, but the hook of “I love it when my life’s like this” is certainly an outlook that makes us realise Doja’s contentment with her life right now. It was also nice to see her acknowledge the love she has for her fans on this track, following the drama that happened when she talked negatively about her fans and parasocial relationships on social media.
Skull and Bones
What is probably the most interesting song on the album sonically, “Skull and Bones” discusses ‘the price of fame’, and it’s a song where Doja acknowledges the conspiracy theorists (“yeah, said the only thing I sold was a record” / “y’all been pushing Satan this and Satan that”). The most interesting lyric, at least to me, is “imma make it through 27 y’all superstitious, imma say jinx on my 28th when you owe me sodas”), of course referencing the infamous 27 Club, a group of celebrities who died at the age of 27. I think it’s very interesting for Doja to address all of these allegations of her ‘selling her soul’ on this track, and I’m glad she did.
Attention
Serving as the first single from Scarlet, “Attention” embodies a 90s boom-bap beat. As discussed throughout this write-up, Doja doesn’t shy away from discussing fame and the critics throughout this album, and it’s quite fitting that “Attention” was the first single, since it touches on that topic very heavily. Like many other tracks on this album, Doja uses the song to sing the hook whilst rapping the verses herself, something that isn’t all too common in melodic rap, with many artists choosing to include a feature to sing the hook. Doja addresses many topics on this song, such as her withdrawing from opening for The Weekend (“I could’ve been an opener, I redirect the booking”) and criticism of her shaved head (“looking good, but now my bald head match my … - she didn’t explicitly say it, but it’s clear what she meant!), as well as addressing those critics who are obsessed with her social media antics but not the music and art she’s creating. Doja also uses this song to pay homage to one of her idols, Nicki Minaj (“oh she think she Nicki M, she think she hot shit”), which also serves as a way to address the critics who pit female rappers against one another. All in all, “Attention” was a great first single and really embodies everything about this album, from its lyrics about fame and criticism, and its sonic structure of melodic beats. The song is also the only track on the album with Y2K as a producer, who was heavily involved in the production of Planet Her.
Music video
Balut
The penultimate song on this album is “Balut”, which the word itself references the street food of fertilised egg embryo, commonly consumed in the Philippines. The song begins with some words from wrestler Ric Flair, before going onto a boom bap beat. The bars are strong on this one again, and the sound of the song is very interesting. Is it a favorite on the album? Not necessarily, but it’s creativity sure is to be applauded. It’s worth noting that this is the album’s final track on the physical copies of the album.
WYM Freestyle
The last track on streaming services of this album is a freestyle, in which Doja fully showcases her rap ability as a way to close out the album on a high, clearly demonstrating how this album was made with acknowledging her rap skills in mind. This song shows Doja is able to freestyle quite well, and something that would be interesting to see more of in the future.

Conclusion

Scarlet clearly marks a change in Doja’s career trajectory, as she aims to make more music to cement herself in the rap field, as opposed to also appealing to the pop field like we saw in her previous albums. Objectively, Scarlet is a strong album with great production and the experimental nature of the album is very refreshing from an artist of Doja’s level. It was interesting to see Doja use a theme for an album again (like she did with Planet Her), clearly showing just how committed she is to the artistic process. It’s also a clever idea that the album is almost split into two halves, with the first half including more upbeat songs with trap influences, and the second half has more R&B, soulful sounds. The album does seem cohesive overall, with Doja talking about themes throughout such as facing criticism, being compared to others, her fame, and a few sensual love songs too. Interestingly, this album doesn’t include any features (which makes sense, given the first track on the album includes the lyric “I don’t need a big feature or a new sidekick”).
Although Scarlet isn’t necessarily want the fans and general public were expecting after Planet Her (which possibly explains the low Pitchfork rating which did seem a bit unfair!), I think it’s hard to argue against the fact that Doja is a super creative artist who isn’t afraid to take risks, and it was a brave risk for her to make this rap album after knowing how successful her pop-rap sound was. Whilst some of her bars throughout this album could use a little work in places, there are definitely some standout bars throughout too. And Doja also manages to showcase her strong vocal ability on the second half of the album too, reminding us of the fact that she can’t be boxed into any single category at one time, she is an artist with a wide reach and wide potential.

Discussion Points

1. Did you enjoy the theme of this album, or did it put you off? Do you think the conspiracy theories of Doja affected the success of this album?
2. Did you enjoy the artwork for this album? If so, why? If not, what would you suggest instead?
3. Doja has previous success in managing to score hit singles months after an album release. Are there any songs from this album that you can see taking off as a single in the near future?
4. Do you prefer the first half of this album, or the second half?
5. What were your favorite, and least favorite, tracks?
6. Where would you like Doja to go next in terms of sound, for her fifth studio album?
7. Scarlet had zero features, which isn’t something seen too often for a commercial rap album. If you had to add three features to the album, who would they be, on which song, and why?

I need to get off of these percocets. I've been on them for 20 years. I asked my pain management doctor if there was anything else I could try because the percocet really wasn't working. He gave me a month of 2mg twice a day buprenorphine (without naloxone). It worked for the first week very very well. Then came the vomiting. Hard, rough, projectile vomiting. Nausea 24/7. I kept it up a week before stopping. It was horrible. I then went 2 weeks with nothing. Cold turkey. Apparently that's how long it took for the buprenorphine to half-life out of my body because then I was in full blown withdrawal with suicide ideation. Went to pain management again this month and the doctor gave me tapering instructions to help me out. I'm not holding up well. For 20 years I followed label/doctors instructions never taking more and often taking less than prescribed. Now I'm laying here in tears because I don't think I can do it. My body hurts. The pain doesn't just go away. Plus I've got this feeling like restless legs except it's my ENTIRE body. Unless you've done this it's had to get people to understand. It's just dragging out and I feel like I'm dying. I was on a large dose. Then the big "war" happened and they cut my dose in half. I've been dealing with it since then. Now I know I don't physically even get pain relief for over an hour with the 7.5s I've been on the last few years. But this doctor I'm seeing now flat out says he will never jeopardize his business by prescribing any amount over where he could get flagged. I tried to tell him the legal limit for doctors is much higher but he wont hear it. So my choices are slim and none. Do I just settle for this dose that really isn't helping and subject myself to monthly pee tests and being treated like a heroin addict? Do I stop cold turkey and just let the withdrawal happen? Do i continue this taper for another 2 weeks as directed and then still probably suffer for a week after? I have marijuana but i don't like it. It's great for a more social atmosphere, but not great taking it as medicine. It just incapacitates me for the day. Because my concentration gets goofy. I can't sleep. What I want is to be allowed to take the amount of percocet I need to make my life a little easier. This is why people die when they have to turn to street drugs. All I feel now is stress. Stress and shame. Like I am a pariah.

Wanna tell u guys about my incident and i really wanna know am i lucky or idk. Because i know that 10mg is too much. Could I really die ? And what could happened if i had oxycodone instead of xanax.
PS I'm 17 and im from russia, also i have never tried Xanax before that incident
At all what do you think about my situation?
Story: On the night of December 30, I went with a friend to a club where I drank about 15 shots of vodka mixed with some kind of watermelon juice and about 5 more cocktails. Some guy ruined my mood at the club and then out of nowhere a man appears, who offers people to buy Percocets (oxycodone). I don’t understand why, but I decided to approach him and ask if he had Xanax, he answered yes. I bought a pack of 10 bars of 1 mg each for which I paid $45. After that, I forgot about Xanax for a while and decided to look for a girl with whom I had been talking for a long time at the club and everything seemed to be going towards the fact that she would go home with me. Suddenly I find out from a friend that she left with her ex.
My mood finally deteriorated and I left the club and headed towards home, I met my brother who, as it turned out, was also at the club. It’s strange that we didn’t see each other, he was with a girl he picked up at the club, which made me even more depressed, although I was happy for him. We all went in the same direction together.
On the way, I bought a beer at a local liquor store, popped the first pill and took a sip of beer, waited 15 minutes, nothing happened. Without thinking about the consequences (I knew that for the first time 1mg was quite enough, but something went wrong in my brain) within 5 minutes I popped 9 xanax bars and there was nothing left in the pack.
I don’t remember everything that happened for the next 20 hours.
Further story from the words of my older brother:
Passing the police station which, as usual, was guarded by 2 cops, I kicked off the movable steel fence that the cops had put up next to the police station. Along with the fence, I also fell onto the curb. The cops slowly began to approach me, but my brother got ahead of them and tried to negotiate with them, apologized for me and said that I just drank a lot at the club. (He didn't know that I had 10mg of Xanax in my system)
Everything seemed to be resolved, and I didn’t even have to pay. My older brother began to suspect that it was not just alcohol. He decided to take me home, according to his words, I fell 15 more times, and when I got home, my brother left the girl on the street for a couple of minutes and brought me to the apartment door. I walked in and we said goodbye, but he said he would be back in a couple of hours after spending time with the girl at a nearby hotel. I didn't answer and went to my room.
After 4 hours, my brother returned home and found me lying unconscious in my clothes on the floor in my room. There was an empty pack of Xanax on the table. He also saw our father who didn’t understand what was happening and why I didn’t wake up, didn’t answer and didn’t react to anything at all.
The ambulance arrived, they rehydrated me and put me to sleep. I woke up 15 hours later, tried to get out of bed but immediately fell, I simply could not control my legs. My father came into the room and said that he had completely looked through two of my phones. On my two phones he found a lot of photos with weed (it is prohibited in my country) and said that I was going to rehab right away.He helped me get to the car and after a couple of hours I was detoxed in a rehab.
On December 31st, I woke up in rehab, only from that moment I remember everything, I remember nothing after last xan bar till morning of December 31st. Also next 2 days I was feeling like a fckng vegetable.
As a result, I have already been in a rehab for 20 days, feelin good. Leaving it in a week
Fun fact: a day after I got to rehab, my father found my 25g, a lot of raw cones, bong, 2 grinders, papers. Everything went into the trash, but he added that he was kinda scared to go out with such a set because the main police department is located on our street and there are always a lot of cops on the street.

An Argument for the Adoption of Volumetric Dosing for the Management of Opioid Dependency for Fentanyl Users
“Three million US citizens and 16 million individuals worldwide have had or currently suffer from opioid use disorder (OUD). More than 500,000 in the United States are dependent on heroin.”(3) Of these users the vast overwhelming majority are users of Fentanyl, A highly potent analog of Morphine with a potency 100 times greater than the alkaloid it is derived from. Fentanyl is a highly potent full opioid agonist with a high risk of rapidly causing respiratory depression leading to death even when administered by doctors in operating rooms. Fentanyl is rather unique as a recreational drug; when in a freebase salt a therapeutic dose of the drug is virtually imperceptible to the human eye. The ubiquity of Fentanyl amongst opioid users has created a precarious balancing act where users are simultaneously chasing their first high while simultaneously rolling the dice on the manufacturers quality control. The margin of error for Fentanyl manufacturers is slim, something as insignificant as a drop of water the size of a pinhead could lead to clumping resulting in a user receiving a lethal dose. However, contrary to the orthodoxy, Fentanyl is a low risk narcotic. Like all Morphine derivatives, Fentanyl is water soluble and can be processed with tap water to turn a 5 dollar kill pill into a 2 month supply.
It is commonly understood that Fentanyl is a highly toxic substance that will kill you if you so much as brush your finger over a pill, this could not be further from the truth. Contrary to the stark images of law enforcement officers overdosing from seeing a small volume of powder Fentanyl is capable of killing in 2 ways. The first and by far the scariest is wooden chest syndrome(WCS) , a syndrome unique to high potency morphine analogs(HPMA). WCS is thought to occur most commonly when patients with undisclosed or unknown lung conditions are administered high doses of HPMAs as analgesics for surgeries. The syndrome is thought to trigger rapid paralysis of the skeletal muscles involved in respiration and kills within minutes of administration of the narcotic. This stands as a dark spot on a medication which is otherwise a wonder-drug in the class of analgesics as WCS sometimes cannot be reversed even when patients are under ventilators. The other way HPMAs is far more conventional for its class, and results from the respiratory depressant properties of the mu2 and kappa opioid receptors tipping the scales of the body and causing the user to stop breathing resulting in cardiac and neural tissue rapidly dying without external intervention. Morphine analogs are rapidly traded in the body between the body fat and the blood stream, each cycle resulting in more of the medication binding to receptors in the brain and escalating the effects of the drug. When an overdose occurs this exchange climaxes with the cessation of breathing and typically takes between 30 seconds and 5 minutes from the drug reaching the bloodstream. Prior to this however the user will feel increasingly sedated and euphoric in waves as they will lose their ability to coherently communicate and stand. Prior to the overdose the user will become unconscious and their hands and face will appear purple as blood stops being able to properly provide oxygen and their breathing will slow until breathing stops. This process has never been observed in alleged instances of first responders experiencing an overdose. Typically first responders when exposed will notice they have made contact with a suspected HPMA which will then trigger hyperventilation, a release of adrenaline and in some cases may cause the first responder to fall over however they typically retain both consciousness and lucidity and are able to somewhat clearly communicate, something someone experiencing an opioid overdose would not be able to do. These symptoms appear to be a form of hysteria causing a panic attack due to misinformation surrounding HPMA and do not reflect a genuine risk to first responders.
According to the orthodoxy these “overdoses” are triggered by skin contact or by breathing in Fentanyl freebase however when analyzing the properties of Fentanyl we can see that this is impossible. Fentanyl has extremely poor bioavailability on the dermis and even submerging your hands into a bucket of Fentanyl freebase would be unlikely to provide much more than a mild feeling of euphoria and mild brain fog. The same is true of inhaling the substance. While it is true that Fentanyl is readily absorbed when insufflated, sublimated and inhaled or administered buccally or sublingually these are only viable under certain circumstances. When Fentanyl freebase is sublimated the bonds that keep the substance as a shelf stable salt are broken increasing its bioavailability and allowing the user to achieve their desired effect. It is actually extremely difficult to overdose when sublimating HPMAs as users typically pass out and automatically exhale the remainder of their dose long before they achieve a lethal dose. Insufflation tells a similar story as the capillaries of the nose can only absorb so much at once before the rest simply binds to mucin and is removed from the nasal cavity losing a significant degree of its bioavailability in the process. It is therefore ridiculous to suggest that these routes of administration are capable of administering a lethal dose through passive inhalation excluding a freak scenario resulting in an extremely high aerial PPM of Fentanyl freebase which the first responder spent an extended period of time breathing in. Additionally for enough Fentanyl to enter the body to trigger an overdose the first responder would have to ignore the rapidly escalating feelings of sedation and euphoria to such a degree that they lose consciousness for the possibility of an overdose to begin to become a factor.
In order to understand why Fentanyl carries such extreme overdose risks an understanding of its chemical properties is necessary. When administered intravenously Fentanyl can achieve a therapeutic effect for patients with severe acute and chronic pain with a dose of between .00006 and .00012 grams per hour, a dose imperceptible to the human eye. The reason why hospitals are able to safely administer these medications for patients without preexisting conditions is primarily due to 1 reason, Volumetric Dosing. Pharmaceutical companies when manufacturing the most common versions of Fentanyl precise mixing equipment are used to process known quantities of Fentanyl, solvents, and fillers. This is done in order to take advantage of the chemical properties of the active ingredient to produce a homogenous consistent medication containing a known therapeutic dose in a method that can be readily absorbed by the human body. One property commonly taken advantage of when working with morphine derivatives is the solubility of these molecules in water. .2 grams of Fentanyl can be dissolved into 1 ounce of water at room temperature and with a therapeutic dose for severe pain being as low as .00006 this means that one can produce over 300 doses from just 1 ounce of water and .2 grams of Fentanyl. This revolutionary development in the world of surgical analgesic drugs led to sweeping changes in the treatment of pain as this has allowed us to create substantially cheaper and more effective versions of virtually every opioid used for the treatment of severe pain. Fentanyl is now available in injections, pills, buccal patches and even subdermal patches which allows us to safely attach a very large dose of fentanyl to a patient with severe pain that there body will very slowly absorb over up to 18 hours, a major innovation for the treatment of pain in cancer patients.
However Fentanyl would not remain a wonder drug for long. As an analog of the alkaloid Morphine, Fentanyl was extremely easy to synthesize and even worse, both Fentanyl and its substantially more potent veterinary medicine sibling Carfentanyl with a potency 1000 times that of morphine were both extremely accessible and cheap. This led to a mass scale proliferation of Fentanyl throughout America as it was dramatically easier to smuggle over its substantially heavier predecessor Heroin, a metabolite of Morphine derived from processing opium poppies. This led to the virtual extinction of all street opioids that were not either pharmaceuticals or HPMAs. This would turn lethal as in order to continue to appeal to existing demand from American consumers recreational drug manufacturers would begin processing Fentanyl freebase into simulations of Heroin and pharmaceuticals, typically the “Perc 30”. The Perc 30 is not a real pharmaceutical but is rather an invention by recreational drug manufacturers and popular culture. Percocet which is a blend of Acetaminophen(Tylenol) and oxycodone, a synthetic codeine derivative was combined by the cultural zeitgeist with the appearance of a 30mg Roxicodone(Oxycodone Hydrochloride) to effectively create an imaginary brand name to market Fentanyl with. The Perc 30 has achieved widespread brand recognition exceeding that of drugs like Nyquil and Aspirin which has led to many consumers placing their faith in a product which can be manufactured in a lab as small as a backpack using nothing more than Fentanyl freebase, baby laxatives, and a pill press which can be purchased on alibaba for less than 5 dollars a unit and are capable of producing between 50 and 1000 Perc 30s at the same time. This moment sparked a meltdown in the American recreational opioid market as this marketing breakthrough lead to rapid development which has lead to tens of thousands of labs manufacturing clones of everything from China White(unprocessed opium poppy Morphine), Heroin, Codeine Cough Syrup, to even clones of Morphine Sulphate, an antique injectable form of Morphine. This has led to widespread disparities in quality control between labs especially when humidity is involved, as Morphine derivatives are typically water soluble. This means that a drop of water the size of a pinhead could result in widely variable concentrations of active ingredients in the finished product even when a lab adequately mixes and aerates the Fentanyl with the filler. This has led to alarming variations in doses found in the product consumers purchase.
The solution to the inadequacy of American recreational drug manufacturers is simple. An end user can take purchased narcotics and mix them with a known volume of water in order to produce homogenous divisible units of the suspected HPMA. Morphine and Codeine(which is metabolized into Morphine by the liver) derivatives are effectively universally water soluble which means that if you purchased genuine opioids will be dissolved by1 liter of water. Some fillers and cutting agents, primarily research chemicals, are not soluble in water and as a result will settle out of the solution and can be strained out. This allows users to utilize volumetric dosing to logarithmically increase doses of water based on volume of water in order to calculate how many effective doses they purchased. This principle can also be applied to users who insufflate opioids as well. One could purchase the ingredients at any pharmacy in America for less than 5 dollars and consist of nasal rinse salt sterile water and a nasal spray bottle. Additionally users who smoke opiates can take propylene glycol, a common ingredient in vape juice and processed foods and dissolve the HPMA into it to produce a product which can be vaped, taking advantage of the fact that your body will typically not allow you to smoke enough Fentanyl to overdose. This property could even theoretically be applied to IV drug users. The only hardware that would be required would be some form of heat source capable of boiling a small pot of water. A user could then purchase several 5 ML vials and create a premixed distilled water and HPMA slurry and then boil it until sterile and then use a pair of needle nose pliers to secure the cap and membrane to the vial in order to produce a large volume of ready to go sterile known quantities of Fentanyl. It is for these reasons that I believe that Fentanyl is not a high risk drug but is rather a highly misunderstood pharmaceutical which has unfortunately become highly successful in markets lacking research, efficacy studies and basic quality control.
Many would argue against the proliferation of this mechanism of administration and these arguments, while generally irrational, are worth considering. The elephant in the room is of course the classic neoliberal Argument. drug users, they contend, should not use illicit substances and should not take medication in any way except how directed by their doctors. While this might imitate an argument, this perspective begs the question and lacks the ability to provide genuine solutions to the opioid epidemic on a fundamental level. Other critics may point to the US justice system and how prosecutions for possession exclusively hinge on the combined weight of the substance and its packaging. This legal injustice is certainly a spit in the face to the 73,654 Americans killed by opioids in 2022 but I believe that this is less of an argument and more of a challenge. We have seen the damage that HPMAs are capable of, over a quarter of a million Americans have died since 2018 and the US government seems to refuse to provide real solutions. As wonderful as opioid replacements are they are not a solution to the problem and we need to see wide scale proliferation of harm reduction programs, not just of their number but also in scale and scope. Decriminalization of possession of narcotics is the bare minimum that the administration can do and yet we seem to be as far away from that dream as we have ever been.
Unfortunately, regardless of how disastrous the opioid epidemic has been for the perception of American pharmaceutical companies, the people who actually pay the price for the failures of the state and of these companies is the American proletariat. Statistically 1 in every 100 Americans has been addicted to opioids at some point in their life and these people are our loved ones. Your cousin who has been self supporting herself since she was 18 uses them every night because the sensation of an opioid is the best feeling in the world. Your friend's dad might take grandpa's old arsenal of belbuca to ease the pain of losing his father to cancer. Your favorite coworker might crush up street Perc 30s when he gets home to party with his friends. All of these people are vulnerable to HPMAs and like most Americans all of these people are less than 6 months away from becoming homeless. Opioids can rapidly become the only thing in someone's life worth living for and it is hard to fault someone for falling off the roller coaster of capitalism. Many Americans are under the delusion that they are somehow better or different then the neurodivergent addict sleeping on a denver sidewalk but they fail to understand how close they are to becoming them. The fact that we allow this to happen in the wealthiest country in human history is shameful. Wide Scale social reform needs to take place to accommodate these highly vulnerable members of society. The best place to start is to give addicts a space where they can safely without fear of persecution use volumetric dosing to take a non lethal sterile dose of the drug they are physically dependent on where they can sleep soundly, knowing that both them and their possessions are safe. It is for these reasons that I believe that volumetric dosing makes Fentanyl a cost effective, widely available and very safe full opioid agonist that has a valuable place in the treatment of opioid dependency.

1. “Fentanyl Citrate Injection, USP“. United States Food and Drug Administration https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda_docs/label/2013/016619s034lbl.pdf. Accessed October 12th 2023
2. “Master Question List (MQL) for Synthetic Opioids”US Department of Homeland Security: Science and Technology CSAC 21‐013 September 2021 https://www.dhs.gov/sites/default/files/publications/21_1110_st_csac_mql_synthetic_opioids_30sep2021_pr_508.pdf. Accessed October 12th 2023

Azadfard, Mohammadreza, et al.”Opioid Addiction”. National Library of Medicine, July 21, 2023, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK448203/#:~:text=Three%20million%20US%20citizens%20and,States%20are%20dependent%20on%20heroin. Accessed October 12th 2023

The Centers of Disease Control (CDC) estimates that 109,680 drug overdose deaths occurred in America in 2022 (1). The CDC estimates that 107,573 drug overdose deaths occurred in America in 2021 (2). The CDC estimates that 92,478 drug overdose deaths occurred in America in 2020 (2). In 2015, the Center for Disease Control posits there were 52,404 drug overdose deaths, of which 12,989 were heroin overdose deaths, and 6,784 were cocaine overdose deaths (3). In calendar year 2008, there were 1,138,247 substance abuse treatment users, for which expenditures on Medicaid totaled $3,366,952,000 (4). In 2013, the treatment episode data set reveals the number of admissions to publicly licensed treatment facilities was 102,387 admissions for cocaine, 316,797 admissions for heroin, 281,991 admissions for marijuana, 130,033 admissions for methamphetamine, and 154,778 admissions for non heroin opiates/synthetics (5). The total number of people receiving substance abuse treatment in the USA increased from 1,081,049 in 2005 to 1,305,647 in 2015. From July 2016 through September 2017, the CDC reports a total of 142,557 Emergency Department visits (15.7 per 10,000 visits) from 52 jurisdictions in 45 states were suspected opioid-involved overdoses (6).
“In 2019, 2.1 million people aged 12 or older received substance use treatment at a self-help group, 1.7 million received treatment at a rehabilitation facility as an outpatient, 1.3 million received treatment at a mental health center as an outpatient, 1.0 million received treatment at a rehabilitation facility as an inpatient, and 948,000 received treatment at a private doctor's office. Smaller numbers of people received treatment at a hospital as an inpatient, in an emergency room, or in a prison or jail (Figure 66 and 2019 DT 7.55). The number of people who received substance use treatment at a private doctor's office increased from 686,000 people in 2015 to 948,000 people in 2019.” (7).
Beyond a few countries and regions, most notably North America, the European Union, United Kingdom, Australia and New Zealand, reliable data on fatal and non-fatal overdose do not exist or are at best questionable (8). That said, the United Nation’s World Drug Report executive summary stated, “The Global Burden of Disease Study 2017 estimated that, globally, in 2017, there were 585,000 deaths and 42 million years of “healthy” life lost as a result of the use of drugs.” (9).
Since 1999, more than 1 million lives have died because of drug overdose in USA (10). That is more than deaths than the civil war, American revolution, or any American war.
In an April 1999 report to Congress, the Department of Health and Human Services revealed, “for many children who are reported to the child welfare system, parental substance abuse is a critical factor. While figures vary for methodological reasons, most studies find that for between one-third and two-thirds of children involved with the child welfare system, parental substance abuse is a contributing problem (lower figures tend to involve child abuse reports and higher findings most often refer to children in foster care).” (11). The Health and Human Services’ (HHS) office of Administration for Children & Families posits that “drug abuse parent” was a reason for 85,937 children entering foster care (32%) of 269,509 children entering foster care in 2015 (12). The Health and Human Services’ (HHS) office of Administration for Children & Families posits that “drug abuse parent” was a reason for 92,107 children entering foster care (34%) of 273,539 children entering foster care in 2016 (13). Accordingly, the Health and Human Services’ (HHS) office of Administration for Children & Families posits that of the 35 States reporting (excluding California and New York) there were 361,985 children victims (of maltreatment, neglect, or abuse) with drug abuse caregiver risk factor in 2016 (14). The Health and Human Services’ (HHS) office of Administration for Children & Families current law budget authority was $34,295,000,000 in 2016, of which 7,755,000,000 was allocated to foster care and permanency (15).
Who is to blame for the drug overdose deaths (primarily from fentanyl, cocaine, heroin, etc)?
Government Accountability Office states Belize, Bolivia, Bahamas, Colombia, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Haiti, Honduras, Jamaica, Nicaragua, Mexico, Panama, Peru, Turks & Caicos, and Venezuela are major illicit drug producing and/ or drug transit countries that lead to drugs entering the USA (16). The major drug producers are Mexico, Colombia, Peru, and Bolivia (16).
Wikipedia states, “Fentanyl was first synthesized by Paul Janssen in 1959 and was approved for medical use in the United States in 1968.” (17). Amongst a number of medical uses, Fentanyl is used for anesthesia (17). On May 1, 2019, the Chinese government banned fentanyl production in China. China’s US embassy states “International practices require the importing company and country to ensure that imported goods are not used for illegal purposes, not the exporter” (18). China’s Mexico embassy stated, “The responsibility to prevent the non-scheduled chemicals illicit use in drug-making falls on the import country.” China’s government argues that it can’t stop the export of precursors that aren’t themselves illegal. China’s Mexico embassy stated, “The fundamental solution is to reduce domestic demand and supply.” (19).
Stop blaming China. Blame the supply- Mexico, Mexico’s Drug Cartels, Latin America, Latin America’s Cartels.
Fentanyl production largely shifted from China to Mexico as Beijing cracked down on shipments of the drug and some precursor chemicals starting in 2018. Most illegal fentanyl is pressed by Mexican cartels into counterfeit pills made to look like other medications like Xanax, oxycodone or Percocet, or mixed into other drugs, including heroin and cocaine. Many individuals who die of drug overdoses in the United States do not know they are taking fentanyl. (20).
In the 2014 UCLA dissertation, “Mexican Drug Cartel Influence in Government, Society, and Culture” Jacob JiHyong Kim states, “After years of growth, drug cartels have become powerful enough to be a principal player in world markets. By the time the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was in place under President Carlos Salinas’ administration, drug money had become an integral part of Mexican economy. Mexican public figures did not mention this fact because it would have been tantamount to government complicity in an illicit enterprise. But it was clearly the truth. Nearly 70 percent of South American cocaine funneled through Mexico by the 1990s. Mexico produced 80 percent of marijuana and 30 percent of the heroin imported into the United States. All of this equated to over $7 billion in annual earnings for Mexico and billions in revenues for drug traffickers (Andreas, 1998, p. 160)”.(21) Jacob JiHyong Kim states, “Considering the number of people employed and the amount of money generated, a collapse of the drug trade could be equivalent to a financial collapse of Mexico.” (Officials estimate that the drug trade makes up almost 4 percent of Mexico’s $1.2 trillion annual GDP (Lee, 2014).). (21). Jacob JiHyong Kim states, “Aftershocks would be felt in worldwide stock markets. The illicit drug trade is worth an estimated $400 billion per annum, and nearly $200 billion of that is successfully laundered across the world each year (Lilley, 2003, p. 3). Experts suspect that billions of dollars of drug cartel money are invested in legitimate enterprises and investments such as stocks. Once the dirty money is “cleaned,” they are re-invested in illicit drug activities for further profits.” (21). Jacob JiHyong Kim states, “It is not surprising then, that high level Mexican officials throughout history conspired to increase drug production. In public appearances, their rhetoric has claimed a desire to end the scourge of drug influence. But officials who understood the importance of the drug trade to economy turned a blind eye towards cartel activity and indulged in corruption.” Jacob JiHyong Kim states, “Despite high profile captures of cartel leaders and the destruction of illicit crops, “the reality is that the drug trade has not only survived but has thrived in the face of intensified Mexican drug control efforts” (Andreas, 1998, p. 161). Drug traffickers could not have prospered unless they operated with the blessing of the state.” (21). I strongly recommend reading Kim’s dissertation, however I oppose legalizing marijuana/narcotics.
In the 2018 white paper, “U.S.-Mexico Security Cooperation 2018-2024” Vanda Felbab-Brown states, “In the last decade, close to 250,000 people have been murdered in Mexico, more than the number of civilians killed in Iraq since the 2003 U.S. invasion. 1 In 2018 alone, 33,341 people were murdered in Mexico, a 33 percent increase from 2017, which had also been a record-breaking year of violence. Homicide levels have risen steadily over the past three years in Mexico, yet a stunning 95 percent of homicides do not result in effective prosecutions of culprits.2 Impunity reigns in Mexico. The deterioration of public safety in Mexico extends far beyond homicides. 40,180 people have disappeared in Mexico largely since 2006.3 According to the National Survey of Victimization and Perception of Public Security (Encuesta Nacional de Victimización y Percepción sobre Seguridad Pública) 4 produced by the National Institute of Statistics and Geography (Instituto Nacional de Estadística y Geografía), more than 25 million Mexicans were victims of some type of crime in 2017.4” (22)
Today, people continue to disappear in considerable numbers in Latin America as a result of different situations of violence. In Mexico, more than 40,000 people were reported missing between 2006 and 2019, and in Brazil, more than 80,000 cases were reported in 2017. (23).
In a 2012 report, Edgardo Buscaglia, a professor at Mexico’s ITAM university who has also served as an advisor to the World Bank and the UN, says that 71.5 percent of the nation’s municipalities are under criminal control. (24).
In a 2022 updated Congressional research service report, “Mexico: Organized crime and drug trafficking organizations (CRS Report No. R41576)" June Beittel states, “In 2020, DEA estimated the Sinaloa Cartel, active in 15 of 32 Mexican states, remained the Mexican crime organization with the largest international footprint.127 Sinaloa leaders successfully corrupted public officials from the local to the national level inside Mexico.128 The cartel’s operations spanned more than 50 countries, according to several analysts and journalists.129.” (25).
June Beittel states, “Some U.S. policymakers have expressed concerns about the extent of territory in Mexico not under central government control. In such places, criminal groups and their fragments attempt to seek dominance and secure impunity from government authorities.91” (25).
June Beittel states, “Organized crime groups have splintered and diversified their criminal activities, turning to extortion, kidnapping, oil theft, human smuggling, sex trafficking, retail drug sales, and other illicit enterprises.” (25). June Beittel states, “Judicial and policing deficiencies have allowed about a 95% impunity level for the resolution of crimes, on average. For decades, roughly 90% of crimes in Mexico have gone unreported, while only 4%-6% of those reported crimes reach conclusion or case closure. México Evalúa, Hallazgos 2020. Evaluación del Sistema de Justicia Penal en México, 8 th ed., October 5, 2021; Juan Antonio Le Clercq, “Mexico: Measuring Impunity Through the 2020 Global Impunity Index,” Global Americans, January 11, 2021; Animal Político, “To Murder in Mexico: Impunity Guaranteed,” September 30, 2018” (25).
June Beittel states, “The large number of disappeared and missing persons, and the estimated 90% of crimes in Mexico that go unreported, suggest deaths attributed to organized crime in Mexico may be far higher than officially reported.42 Homicide victim tallies do not include thousands who have been reported missing or disappeared or those found in unmarked graves. The cumulative total of Mexico’s disappeared and missing reportedly exceeds 100,000 in 2022, with 90% of disappearances reported to have taken place since 2007, according to the Mexican government.43 Some analysts maintain that enforced disappearances are a preferred cartel tactic to maintain political control.44” (25).
June Beittel states, “According to the U.S. State Department’s 2022 International Narcotics Control Strategy Report (INCSR), Mexico is a significant source and transit country for heroin, marijuana, and synthetic drugs (such as methamphetamine and fentanyl) destined for the United States. Mexico remains the main trafficking route for U.S.-bound cocaine from the major supply countries of Colombia and, to a lesser extent, Peru and Bolivia.94 DEA, in its National Drug Threat Assessment (NDTA) published in March 2021, maintains that traffickers and retail sellers of fentanyl and heroin combine the drugs in various ways, such as pressing them into highly addictive and extremely powerful counterfeit pills (appearing to be OxyContin or other prescription and over-the-counter drugs). 95 The DEA has said that fentanyl provided by Mexican traffickers to certain U.S. drug markets may supplant “white powder” heroin. Still, 97% of heroin traced from U.S. seizures is sourced from Mexico, according to the 2022 INCSR. Furthermore, the State Department report maintains that addiction rates inside Mexico are rising, including the abuse of synthetic drugs.” (25).
June Beittel states, “Heroin and Synthetically Produced Opioids. In its 2020 National Drug Threat Assessment, DEA warned that Mexico’s crime organizations, aided by corruption and impunity, present an acute threat to U.S. communities given their dominance in heroin and fentanyl exports. Mexico’s heroin traffickers, which traditionally provided black or brown heroin to the western part of the United States, began to change their opium processing methods in 2012 and 2013 to produce white powder heroin, a purer and more potent product. The DEA maintains that no other crime groups, foreign or domestic, have a reach comparable to that of Mexican TCOs to distribute white powder heroin and fentanyl within the United States. With Mexico being the leading source of fentanyl and fentanyl-laced counterfeit pills to the U.S. market, DEA warns that Mexican TCOs have established clandestine laboratories “for the synthesis of fentanyl.” 100” (25).
June Beittel states, “The State Department maintains that Mexico has not succeeded in sufficiently reducing the flow of dangerous drugs across the border. It cites Mexico’s failure to deter TCOs or successfully prosecute them in court and the slowing of Mexico’s responses to U.S. extradition requests for defendants on drug-related charges.101” (25).
Can prohibitionist win the war on drugs?
In stark contrast to Mexican, Colombian, Dominican, and Cuban trafficking organizations that bring drugs into the USA, the Taliban eradicated 99 percent (or all) of the opium (illicit drugs) production in Afghanistan prior to September 11, 2001 (and US Invasion of Afghanistan) (26). In 2023, after the return of the Taliban in the Afghanistan government, the BBC reports "The Taliban leaders appear to have been more successful cracking down on cultivation than anyone ever has. We found a huge fall in poppy growth in major opium-growing provinces, with one expert saying annual cultivation could be 80% down on last year. Less-profitable wheat crops have supplanted poppies in fields." "It is likely that cultivation will be less than 20% of what it was in 2022," said Afghanistan drug trade expert David Mansfield. "The scale of the reduction will be unprecedented. The high resolution imagery of Helmand province shows that poppy cultivation is down to less than 1,000 hectares when it was 129,000 hectares the previous year," said Mansfield, noting that would be a 99 percent reduction in the crop in that formerly key opium-producing province.” (27).
The Taliban, Afghanistan government has set a precedent for all countries in the world to emulate. Yes, prohibitionist can win the war on drugs.
More people died of Heroin in USA in 2016 than the entire number of US solider deaths in the war in Iraq and war in Afghanistan combined. These wars cost trillions of dollars, which should have been used to fight the war on drugs in USA (28). More importantly, after September 11, 2001, after the collapse of World Trade Center Buildings 1, 2, and 7 caused the deaths of an estimated 2,996 lives, the US (and the world) declared a War on Terrorism in Asia/Middle East/Africa (29). Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Libya have been destroyed by the US military. However, more lives in America have perished from drug poisoning caused by Mexican/Latin America Drug Cartels than the events that occurred on September 11, 2001. Moreover, the US, UK, Europe, and the world have placed the harshest sanctions on Iran for developing nuclear technology (that Iran claims is to be used for peaceful purpose of energy development) that the US argues is to be used to create weapons of mass destruction (30). Wikipedia States, “The United States has imposed an arms ban and an almost total economic embargo on Iran, which includes sanctions on companies doing business with Iran, a ban on all Iranian-origin imports, sanctions on Iranian financial institutions, and an almost total ban on selling aircraft or repair parts to Iranian aviation companies.” (30). How many American Citizens have been killed by Iran on US soil (in the continental US [50 States])? Zero. The real terrorists are not in the caves in the Afghanistan nor in the middle east. The real terrorist are the cartels who bring fentanyl, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines, marijuana (and other narcotics) into the country (USA, UK, etc.), which causes addiction and drug poisoning deaths. The real weapons of mass destruction are fentanyl (and cocaine, heroin, marijuana, and other narcotics). The US, UK, Europe, Asia, Africa, United Nations, and the world must place the same sanctions on Mexico and Latin America as those that have been placed on Iran. The harshest Sanctions and Embargo on Mexico and Latin America must persist until Mexico and Latin America requires the death penalty for narcotics the way China requires the death penalty, and until Mexico and Latin America can emulate the Taliban’s success in eradicating narcotics in their region. Do not promote Mexico and Latin America.
What do policymakers and candidates have to say?
After the 2020 election, the Office of the President issued Executive Order 14059 of December 15, 2021, “Imposing Sanctions on Foreign Persons Involved in the Global Illicit Drug Trade.” (31). The Office of the President stated “that the trafficking into the United States of illicit drugs, including fentanyl and other synthetic opioids, is causing the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans annually, as well as countless more non-fatal overdoses with their own tragic human toll. Drug cartels, transnational criminal organizations, and their facilitators are the primary sources of illicit drugs and precursor chemicals that fuel the current opioid epidemic, as well as drug-related violence that harms our communities. I find that international drug trafficking—including the illicit production, global sale, and widespread distribution of illegal drugs; the rise of extremely potent drugs such as fentanyl and other synthetic opioids; as well as the growing role of Internet-based drug sales—constitutes an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security, foreign policy, and economy of the United States.” (31).
Don Beyer states, “In addition to the toll on families and loved ones, opioid use imposes significant economy-wide costs. Adapting a methodology used by the CDC to estimate the cost of the opioid epidemic in 2017, the JEC estimates the opioid epidemic cost $1.04 trillion in 2018, $985 billion in 2019 and nearly $1.5 trillion in 2020.” (32).
Senators Joni Ernst (R-IA) and Tim Kaine (D-VA) made the following joint statement, “Fentanyl is a leading cause of death for Americans aged 18-45, and an estimated 196 Americans are dying every single day due to fentanyl, which is about the equivalent of the death total on 9/11 every 15 days. 90% of fentanyl flows through our Southern border. U.S.-Mexican cooperation on drug trafficking has faced significant challenges since Andrés Manuel López Obrador became president in 2018. Between Fiscal Year 2017 and 2021, fentanyl trafficking offenses increased 950%.” (33) Senator Tim Kaine stated, “Families across Virginia have lost mothers, fathers, children, siblings, and other loved ones to the substance use epidemic. And they’re not alone—every family in America has been impacted in one way or another by this crisis.” (33)
“Fentanyl is a deadly drug that is killing people and breaking up families in Nevada and across our nation,” said Jacky Rosen. (34)
Senator Tim Scott stated, ““Fentanyl takes the lives of far too many young Americans, stripping a whole generation of the opportunity to contribute to their communities and achieve their dreams.” (35). In an interview with Tucker Carlson, Tim Scott, stated, “Over 100,000 Americans have lost their lives overdoses in the last 12 months. 70,000 Americans have lost their lives because of fentanyl. We could stop fentanyl from crossing over our southern border by closing out southern border, building a wall under – This nation spent $7 trillion. It would take $10 billion to finish the wall and for an additional $5 billion, we could use the available technology to servile our southern border and our ports of entry to slow down fentanyl from coming into our country.” (36).
I support Senator Tim Scott’s “‘Alan Shao Jr. Fentanyl Public Health Emergency and Overdose Prevention Act.’’ (37)
I support Randy Feenstra’s Build the Wall and Fight Fentanyl Act. (38).
Governor Abbott issued an Executive Order No. GA-42 relating to designation of Mexican drug cartels as foreign terrorist organizations. (39).
I support designating Mexican drug cartels as foreign terrorist organizations under Section 219 of the INA, 8 U.S.C. § 1189- as suggested by Governor Abbot in a letter to the Office of the President (40). Similarly, the attorney generals of Virginia, Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia made a statement requesting that the Sinaloa Cartel, CJNG, and other similarly situated Mexican drug cartels be designated as Foreign Terrorist Organizations pursuant to 8 U.S.C. § 1189. (41). They wrote to the office of the president that “Mexican drug cartels have diversified their operations beyond mere narcotics trafficking to include seemingly legitimate enterprises like the avocado trade, gasoline pipelines, gold mines, and even supermarkets.” (41).
I support Senator Tom Cotton’s declaration of war on drug cartels and a number of strategies delineated in Cotton’s op-ed on September 22, 2022. (42). Cotton states, “This is far from just a Mexican problem. The Mexican drug cartels have killed more Americans than any terrorist group in history—and the death toll is rising every day. In the last three years alone, a quarter of a million Americans have lost their lives in the deadliest drug crisis in history. More Americans die each year from drugs than were killed in the entire Vietnam War. The cartels are directly responsible for these deaths. Fentanyl, fentanyl analogues, meth, and heroin are all primarily produced and smuggled by the Mexican cartels and account for the overwhelming majority of drug-overdose deaths. Cocaine, the fourth-deadliest drug brought into the United States, is also primarily smuggled by the cartels.” Cotton states, “Each drug death and severe case of addiction is like a bomb going off in a community. Families are shattered, children are orphaned, promising young Americans are psychologically destroyed, and neighborhoods physically deteriorate. It’s little surprise that some parts of this country look and feel like warzones.” (42)
Cotton states, “To distribute their poison, the cartels have established broad criminal networks within our country. In some cases, they partner with the thousands of preexisting American street, prison, and motorcycle gangs, but in other cases they send violent Latin American gang members to do their bidding. In 2020, ICE deported over 4,000 illegal-alien gang members; the Border Patrol stopped hundreds more from entering.” (42).
Senator Lindsey Graham in a press release titled ““We Are Going To Unleash The Fury And Might Of The U.S. Against These Drug Cartels” stated “More people died in the United States from fentanyl poisoning than car wrecks and gun violence combined.” Lindsey Graham stated, “To the President of Mexico, fentanyl is a weapon of mass destruction being unleashed on America from your country. It’s coming from your country. You’re allowing safe havens for these groups to operate with impunity. Because what you’re doing is not working. Your country is being used by narcoterrorists to poison America.” (43).
Dan Crenshaw and Mike Waltz introduced legislation creating the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) to target Mexican drug cartels. (44)
“The cartels are war with us – poisoning more than 80,000 Americans with fentanyl every year, creating a crisis at our border, and turning Mexico into a failed narco-state,” Crenshaw said. “It’s time we directly target them. My legislation will put us at war with the cartels by authorizing the use of military force against the cartels. We cannot allow heavily armed and deadly cartels to destabilize Mexico and import people and drugs into the United States.” (44).
The Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) allows the President to use military force against cartels based on their fentanyl trafficking, production, and distribution; their use of force against US law enforcement and/or military, law enforcement and/or military of a neighboring country, and/or to gain control of territory to use for their criminal enterprise.
I support Crenshaw’s H.J.Res.18 - AUMF CARTEL Influence Resolution. (45).
I support H.R.1564 - Drug Cartel Terrorist Designation Act and S.698 - Drug Cartel Terrorist Designation Act. (46) (47).
I stand in solidarity and strongly support Dan Crenshaw’s H.R.713 - Declaring War on the Cartels Act of 2023. (48). Specifically, I unequivocally support the proposed legislation’s Sec. 207. Sanctions on Foreign Governments Found to Facilitate Transnational Criminal Cartels. The Sanctions would be applied to any foreign government found to facilitate a designated transnational criminal cartels by providing material support or resources, as defined in section 2339A(b)(1) of title 18, United States Code; permit, or fail to take adequate measures to prevent, transnational criminal cartel activity within their territory. In addition the legislation would support the President to terminate assistance provided for under the Foreign Assistance Act of 1961 (Public Law 87–195) for foreign governments found to facilitate criminal cartels. (48).
Senator John Kennedy stated, ““We need to dismantle and disincentivize Mexico’s cartels in every way possible. Designating these murderers as foreign terrorist organizations would give U.S. officials more tools to use in putting the cartels and the networks that support them behind bars.” Kennedy explained, “Despite what the President of Mexico says, drug cartels are in control of large parts of Mexico. They are making billions of dollars sending fentanyl and illicit drugs into the United States where it is killing our citizens by the thousands. Designating these cartels as Foreign Terrorist Organizations will be a game-changer.” (49)
If elected President, Governor DeSantis will authorize appropriate rules of engagement at the border so that those trying to smuggle drugs into the United States are met with the use of force. Desantis stated that “Right now, cartel operatives cut through portions of the border wall with impunity and poison our communities with dangerous drugs.” (50). In an interview with Tucker Carlson, DeSantis reiterated using force to stop drugs from entering USA. (51). In a survey response to Breitbart, DeSantis campaign stated, “Ron DeSantis will declare a national emergency on day one, mobilize all military resources, declare the cartels to be narco-terrorists, and change the rules of engagement on the border. The full force of the federal government will be utilized to ensure that illegal drug flow is stopped, and he will bring to bear every tool he has to this end. He will utilize a variety of leverage points to ensure Mexico works with us to stop the flow of narcotics and human trafficking.” (52).
Vivek Ramaswamy, stated, “Use our military to annihilate Mexican drug cartels.” (53),
In a survey response to Breitbart, Nimarata Nikki Haley (née Randhawa) stated, “I’ll tell Mexico’s president that he either needs to crack down on the cartels, or we will. We’ll send in our special forces and treat the cartels like the terrorists they are. . . . .Mexico . . . won’t keep poisoning our citizens with fentanyl without consequences. I’ll also restart Remain in Mexico and close our southern border once and for all to stop the flow of illegal immigrants.” (52),
Donald Trump stated he would “Deploy all necessary military assets, including the U.S. Navy, to impose a full naval embargo on the cartels, to ensure they cannot use our region’s waters to traffic illicit drugs to the U.S.” Trump stated he would designate the major drug cartels as foreign terrorist organizations. Trump stated he would “Cut off the cartels’ access to the global financial system.” (54), Donald Trump stated he would, “Impose a full naval embargo on the drug cartels and deploy military assets to inflict maximum damage on cartel operations.” Trump stated he would “ask Congress to ensure that drug dealers and human traffickers receive the death penalty.” Trump stated he will Direct U.S. federal law enforcement to take down the gangs and organized street crime that distribute these deadly narcotics on a local level. (55).
There are benefits of a building a wall across the southern USA border with Mexico. First and foremost, stop drugs from entering USA, which will reduce the supply of illicit drugs in USA. Perhaps, this will reduce addiction initiation, reduce drug crimes, reduce foster care children caused by substance abuse, reduce deaths, reduce court costs because reduce crime (drug courts for addicted), reduce incarceration cost (this can reform the justice system), reduce money laundering used for other illicit activities, undercut funding for gangs. potentially increase productivity of people (because reduced addiction to drugs), and reduce treatment cost in the long term (expect short term increase in treatment due to users who are addicted to drugs). The Wall will allow different agencies to spend more money on targeted efforts to combat war on drugs. Reduction of routes for drugs to enter USA will enhance eradication of drug production (drug farming).
100,000 drug overdose deaths and Mexico/Latin America Drug Cartels – Open Letter to Taylor Swift to Cancel the Eras Tour Leg in Mexico, Latin America.
Dear Taylor Swift,
Because of the heartbreaking number of drug overdose deaths and addiction in USA (and the world) caused by Mexico, Mexican drug cartels, Latin America, Latin America cartels, I urge you to cancel the Eras Tour Leg in Mexico Latin America.
If one fan dies from a drug overdose, or becomes addicted to narcotics, or is kidnapped, or murdered, then there is a negative return on investment (ROI).
I am concerned you will see a negative return on investment.
In addition, the US Government has issued a travel advisory cautioning Americans to not travel to Mexico. The advisory concludes, “Violent crime—such as homicide, kidnapping, carjacking, and robbery—is widespread and common in Mexico.” (56).
Respectfully, hb257

Here's my post about the lead up to my surgery and why I chose to proceed with removing my fibroids.
I'm sharing my positive experience with surgery because after everything I read on this sub, I was so terrified about what the recovery would be like, but my recovery has been so much better than anticipated. I'm not sure if I did anything differently to make my recovery a bit easier but I hope this post helps others with their surgery! Also, please remember everyone's body is different, so my experience may differ from yours. I've also provided a list of items with links that I bought for post-op care (all the way at the end).
Fibroids: 1 pedunculated, 1 intramural, and 1 submucousal ranging in size from 2.5-5.5 cm. While I only have three rather small/medium sized fibroids, they took up the majority of space in my uterus and vaginal canal causing issues discussed in the post linked above.
Assessment/Plan: To OR for RA multiple myomectomies, uterine metroplasty, possible minilaparotomy, and in-bag morcellation for specimen removal. My surgeon did end up having to perform the minilaparotomy (bikini incision), as well. (Note: I don't know what the abbreviations stand for, they were written on my hospital record, so I just copy and pasted)
Day Before Surgery: I was on a liquid diet (popsicles, gatorade, ensure pre-surgery drink, jello, and chicken broth) and, at 4pm, I had to start drinking Nulytely to cleanse my colon. This part really sucked. I’m not great with liquid medications and I found the slightly thick texture to be repulsive to the point of nausea. My instructions were to drink 2 liters out of the 4 but I only ended up drinking 1 liter of Nulytely. After the first hour and a half, I was so nauseated from the drink and had already cleaned out my colon, so I called the hospital I’d be having my surgery at and asked the nurse if it was okay that I stopped drinking it and explained to her that I was feeling nauseous and had already cleared everything out and she told me that I could stop. Note: I spoke with my friend who has had 2 colonoscopies and she said they also make a pill for this, so definitely ask your surgeon for the pill prescription, if you can’t stomach the liquid formula. If I ever need to have a colon cleanse again, I now know to ask for the pill.
Day of Outfit: I wore a loose v-neck sweatshirt, oversized sweatpants, warm socks, and slippers to the hospital. I wanted to wear something that would be easy to wear when I was discharged.
Day of Surgery: My surgery was scheduled for 9:30am and I was told to arrive at the hospital at 7:30am to be admitted and prepped. Once I arrived, they took me back immediately after checking in and filling out paperwork. My partner waited in the waiting room while I was taken back to change into my hospital gown and was situated in my bed. Once the nurse asked me questions, took my vitals, and set up my IV, my partner was able to sit with me until my surgeon and anesthesiologist arrived. My anesthesiologist and surgeon met with me about 10 minutes before I was taken back and my partner and I asked them all of our questions and they were very responsive and just all around great. I was wheeled to the operating room where they had me scoot over to the operating table. It was intimidating because it felt like being on Grey’s Anatomy with the room being so bright and having all of these intimidating machines around me. The last thing I remember is everyone hooking up monitors to me and that’s pretty much it.
Anesthesia: I’ve had surgery before and with that surgery I had a really negative experience with anesthesia, so I wanted to prevent that with this one. With my previous surgery, I was throwing everything up 3 days post-up. I couldn’t take medicine and threw up everything I ate and drank to the point that I had to be hospitalized for dehydration. I communicated this with my anesthesiologist and he gave me an anti-nausea patch to place behind my ear (which lasts up to 3 days) and said that he already includes anti-nausea in his concoction but that he’ll make sure he modifies what he gives me to keep me from getting sick. Whatever he did worked because I didn’t throw up once! So, if you're worried about throwing up post-op, definitely communicate that with your anesthesiologist, when you meet with them!
Pain Medication: For my miscarriage, I was prescribed Oxycodone, which made me throw up every time I took it. My surgeon was going to prescribe me Oxycodone for post-op pain care but I communicated to him that it makes me throw up almost immediately, so he prescribed me Percocet instead. Thankfully, I had no issues taking Percocet. It could be because I was wearing the anti-nausea patch. I'm not really sure if that made a difference with the pain medication but I was thankful for it.
Post-Op and Going Home: The operation room was booked for 2.5 hours but my surgery only took 1.5 hours. I woke up in recovery 10 minutes after being taken there and I was in and out of sleep for roughly 2 hours. When I finally woke up for good, my nurse helped put a binder on me, assisted in dressing me, and then wheeled me to the pick-up station. It was not a requirement that I use the restroom before being discharged, however, I did ask to stop by the restroom as it was on the way out. I mostly just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any issues going on my own before leaving the hospital and saw on other posts in this sub that using the restroom was a requirement before being discharged. I mentioned that to the nurse and she said usually it is a requirement and that she was surprised, as well, that it wasn't for me. Thankfully, I was able to use the restroom without issue. The hospital was about 30 minutes away, so we took side streets home. I bought a seatbelt guard, so the seatbelt was comfortable on my incisions. I didn’t experience any nausea or pain during the drive home, but my nurse did give me pain and anti-nausea through my IV about a half hour before I was discharged.
First Night Post-op: Once I got home, my partner situated me on the couch and I only left the couch whenever I had to use the restroom. I used a walker to get around and am thankful for it. I made sure to walk around the living room and kitchen with the assistance of my walker a few times that afternoon and evening. For dinner I had lentil soup and drank lots of water. Took a laxative before bed.
Day 1: The pain was the worst on days 1 and 2. I made sure to take Percocet at the 6 hour mark, every 6 hours. Even doing so, the pain would start to kick in around the 4 hour mark. I was icing my abdomen throughout the day, applying ice for 20 minutes with each session. I ate chicken and veggie soup, lentil soup, and had a variety of juices throughout the day. That morning I ordered celery juice, cucumber juice, and a green juice blend from this local juice shop and am so thankful that I did. Celery juice is anti-inflammatory and I think that played a huge part in my recovery. I made sure to walk around the kitchen, living room, and backyard with my walker and the assistance of my parents and partner throughout the day. I wanted to make sure I stayed as mobile as I could to help the gas reabsorb into my body. I also made sure to take gasx throughout the day (followed the directions on the box). Took a laxative before bed.
Day 2: I continued with my lentil soup, chicken and veggie soup, juices, and walks around the house with my walker. My partner helped me take a quick shower. I actually bought a shower chair and am so glad that I had that, as I couldn't stand for long periods of time. I noticed that standing after long periods of time caused a bit of burning around my bikini incision. I believe that was from the sudden stretch of skin in the area. This passed after 4 or so days. Took a laxative before bed.
Day 3: I continued with my mostly liquid diet but tried to have salmon for dinner as I was getting so sick of soup and juice. I had no issues eating the salmon and was so excited about that, but I woke up pretty nauseous the following morning, so I think it was maybe too heavy for me. It was the ready meal herb butter salmon from Costco. I continued walking around the house and backyard throughout the day. Took a laxative before bed. My period started on this day.
Day 4: I stuck with my soups, juices, and walking with my walker. I stopped taking Percocet and was able to manage my pain with Tylenol. I honestly think I would have been able to make the switch on day 3 but it didn't cross my mind. Took a laxative before bed.
Day 5: I had my first bowel movement! I'm guessing the Percocet caused constipation, so the faster you can get off the pain meds, the better. I was actually really afraid about having my first BM, but I thankfully did not experience any pain. I'm guessing this has to do with the diet I stuck to post-op and the laxatives. I continued with my juices but I also snacked on a some pretzels but regretted it because it caused bloating on top of the bloating from the surgery.
Week 2: I returned to work (I work remotely from home) and the first day was hard because it was the first time I was sitting up in a chair, rather than reclining on my couch. I wasn't wearing my binder because I wanted to take a break from it but I think that was a mistake because I was lacking support. I did make sure to communicate with my team that I'd be in and out this week depending on how I was feeling. I took lunch time naps and made sure to recline on the couch when needed. By Wednesday, I was comfortably sitting at my desk while wearing my binder.
At this point, 16 days post-op, I'm able to walk around the house without my walker, I have no abdominal pain, I can shower by myself, I don't have any gas pain, and my bloating is almost gone (it just kind of looks like a ate large meal right now), I can sleep on my side with the assistance of my pregnancy pillow. I'm still cautious about lifting things - I don't carry anything heavy to avoid straining my abdomen and I'm careful about reaching for things - if I have to stretch my arms above my head to reach something, I'll either use my grabber or ask my partner for assistance.
Incisions: I had a robot assisted laparoscopic myomectomy but my surgeon told me that there was a chance he'd have to do a minilaparotomy, as well, to remove the fibroids. He ended up doing the minilaparotomy, as well. So I have the 4 incisions across my abdomen associated with the robot assisted laparoscopic myomectomy and then I have a bikini incision associated with the minilaparotomy. My incisions did bleed every time I showered, but it wasn't anything of concern. More like when a scab slightly opens and you notice it's bleeding when you dab at it with a tissue. There is some bruising around one of my incisions (left abdomen for one of the robot arms) but it doesn't hurt. The swelling around my incisions has gone down but I do still have a bit of swelling around my bikini incision.
Gas from surgery: I was really afraid of the shoulder pain that I read about regarding the gas trying to leave your body, but I didn't experience any of that pain. I did feel the gas bubbling around my ribs every now and then but that's really it. I think my daily walks, diet, and daily intake of GasX played a huge part in the gas not being as painful.
Bleeding: My situation is a bit different because I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before my surgery. I was still spotting following my MC the day of my surgery. After surgery, I continued spotting and, I believe it was day 3 post-op, my period started. I started to have gushes of red blood which was similar to my menstrual bleeding. However, since I was pregnant pre-surgery, I didn't know if it was actually my period or bleeding related to the surgery that I should be concerned about. I spoke with my on-call doctor and he told me that the surgery can throw your body out of whack and it is common for patients to get their period quickly post-op. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding through a pad every hour that I was okay. My period was heavy for a day and a half, but not as heavy as I was accustomed to pre-op. I can't comment on cramping because I was still taking Percocet when my period started. Once I stopped taking Percocet, I didn't experience any cramping. I'm really hoping this is my new menstrual norm.
Sleep: As others have said, I've been sleeping on my couch that reclines. I tried getting into bed, but it was too painful when I tried to get out, even with watching that video on how to get out of bed after abdominal surgery. The first 2 weeks, I slept on my back because it caused too much discomfort to try to sleep on my side. I slept on my side for the first time last night using a pregnancy pillow and that felt amazing.
Diet: the first week I ate lentil soup, chicken and veggie soup, celery juice (celery with a splash of lemon), green juice (cucumber, kale, lettuce, spinach, celery, apple, and lemon), and cucumber juice (cucumber, apple, lemon, and muddled mint). I mostly drank water, peppermint and ginger tea (added 1 bag of each to my cup), anise tea, and gatorade. I think my post-op diet has played a huge part in why my recovery has been better than anticipated. I made sure to avoid bread, other carbs, and processed food and I think that helped to avoid any added inflammation and bloating.
Coughing/Sneezing/Laughing: Coughing, sneezing, and laughing was extremely painful the first week. It was difficult to grab a pillow to hug in time for sneezing, but even when I did in time, it didn't really help all that much. Whenever I had a coughing fit come on, I ate jolly ranchers to help stop them. Worked like a charm and tasted delicious! Coughing fits were to be expected because of the breathing tube during surgery irritated my throat, so I was mentally prepared for that.
Mobility: I stayed on my couch for the first week post-op. Only getting up to either use the restroom, shower, or take a walk around the house or backyard. Any time I got up, I used my walker to get around. I think the walks around my house helped tremendously with the bloating from the gas.
Abdominal Binder: I bought a binder but ended up wearing the one the hospital sent me home with the entire time. I wore my binder for the first 2 weeks and only stopped wearing it a day ago.
Everything I bought for surgery:
Sweatpants (I sized up to have a looser fit around my waist)
Sweatshirt
Sweatshirt#2
Slippers for the hospital and to easily slip on and off post-op at home
Walker+ walker glides
Grabber
Shower Chair
Pregnancy pillow
Bed Tray (I love this thing so much)
Seatbelt pillow (lifesaver for the drive home)
Small abdominal pillow (included a pocket insert for ice)
Abdominal hot/cold pack (highly recommend)
Ice packs
Mesh underwear (wore these for the first 2 weeks)
Gauze padding medium/ large (to provide cushion between my incisions and clothing)
Abdominal binder (I ended up wearing the one from the hospital instead. note: buy a size or 2 up from your normal size to accommodate bloating. I didn't think to do this)
Vomit bags (ended up not needing them but I'm glad I had them handy)
Bidet attachment (this was a lifesaver as it was difficult to wipe the first week)
GasX
Ensure pre-surgery drink
Anti-nausea patches
Body wipes just in case I couldn't shower (ended up not needing them but glad I had them handy)
Anti-bacterial body wipes
Laxatives (I cut these into 2/3 and toss the other third. I've found it's easier on my stomach if I only take 2/3 of the pill)
Jolly ranchers to help with my cough (I was over cough drops)
Sorry, I know this is very long. I like to be extra prepared, so hopefully this helps others! Let me know if you have any questions and I'll update with anything else that I can think of!

Dear PROP/CDC, Here's What Happens When You Over-Restrict Pills: More Deaths. Nice Going. By Josh Bloom — December 12, 2018 No Explanation Needed. Photo: winsomeaunt.blogspot [1] If Shakespeare were alive today he would be hard-pressed to come up with a script that could match the tragedy that has been imposed on this country by self-appointed drug experts, bureaucrats, self-serving politicians, and various other fools. It's that bad. And it was largely preventable.
So, let's all congratulate the CDC for sticking its nose where it should not have been and the P hysicians Responsible for Opioid Prohibition (1) for creating a mess that we will not be getting out of anytime soon.
A new report [2] from in the December 12th National Vital Statistics Reports (NVSR) confirms what patient pain advocates and I have been saying all along - that we've been fighting the wrong war (against prescription opioid analgesics) and, in doing so, managed to screw two things up at the same time. 1. Pain patients are suffering 2. More people, not fewer, are dying
One can only hope that the press, which has been pathetically inept in its coverage of the "opioid crisis," which is really the "fentanyl crisis," might pay attention to the new report and possibly start to get the story right. But don't get your hopes up. To do so would entail not only reading the report but also, understanding what it says.
I'll make it easy for them. As I've written repeatedly, pills are not the real problem (See No, Vicodin Is Not The Real Killer In The Opioid Crisis [3]and The Opioid Epidemic In 6 Charts Designed To Deceive You [4]); it is the difficulty of obtaining them that is now. The NVSR makes this painfully obvious.
Here's why. In 2011 (Table 1), there were 41,340 overdose deaths from all drugs - legal, illegal, prescription, and over the counter. Oxycodone was the primary cause of OD deaths (5,587, 13.5% of total). But a closer look at Table 1 reveals some interesting facts. Table 1. The 15 drugs responsible for most overdose deaths in 2011. Source: National Vital Statistics Reports A closer look at Table 1 (I added the notes in color) reveals some interesting trends. Although oxycodone leads the pack with 5,587 deaths, illegal drugs, heroin, cocaine, and methamphetamine, killed twice as many people (and alcohol killed 80,000). The number for heroin is almost certainly too low, probably by a lot. This is because heroin is rapidly metabolized to morphine, so someone who died from a heroin overdose will also test positive for morphine. Since people on the street generally, don't inject themselves with morphine, it is plausible that most of the morphine overdoses were actually from heroin.
Although two benzodiazepine sedatives, Xanax and Valium are on the list, this is somewhat misleading.
Virtually all of these deaths are a result of concomitant use of alcohol or opioids. It is virtually impossible to kill yourself with Valium alone. In a case study [5], a woman who tried to commit suicide took 2,000 mg of the drug - the equivalent of 400 five milligram pills and walked out of the hospital two days later. (See Can Valium Kill You? [6]).
In high doses, patients may manifest coma, respiratory depression, hypotension, hypothermia, and rhabdomyolysis. Otherwise, benzodiazepines are remarkably safe as single agents. TOXNET [7], Toxicology Data Network Now, let's take a look at the same data for 2016 (Table 2). The changes are startling. Table 2. Overdose deaths from the 15 most common drugs. Note that adding the percentages results in a number considerably higher than 100.
Likewise, adding the number of deaths gives a number greater than 63,632. This is because when multiple drugs are involved they are all counted. The term "fentanyl deaths" almost always means "illicit fentanyl and its analogs, not prescriptions patches. In Table 2, the damage of six years of bad policy becomes evident. Despite a 25% reduction in opioid prescriptions [8] during that time, 22,292 (54%) more people died from drug overdoses, despite the fact that the number of OD deaths from oxycodone (Percocet) and hydrocodone (Vicodin) remained essentially unchanged.
And there's more (and it's really crazy). Note that the number of deaths from diphenhydramine (Benadryl) isn't terribly different from the number from Vicodin. Are we having a "Benadryl Crisis?" And even crazier - look at gabapentin (Neurontin, yellow arrow). Neurontin is being used like crazy (mostly off-label) as an alternative to opioids. Except it doesn't work. But it managed to creep into the Top 15 list. I'm speechless.
So, here's the report card: Restricting prescriptions of opioid analgesics had approximately zero effect on overdose deaths from the pills.
But it did result in incalculable suffering of pain patients. And it also caused more deaths as oxycodone users switched to heroin, something we've known since 2010.
This switch created a huge heroin market, which was filled by fentanyl starting in 2014 (Figure 1). Figure 1. Deaths from illicit fentanyl and its analogs 2014-2017 (blue hatch line). The red circle shows that fentanyl overdose deaths were rare before 2014 but were by far the major cause of death (green circle) in 2017. Source: National Institute on Drug Abuse [9]. If this is not an example of an abysmal policy then nothing is. Yet, despite this overwhelming evidence, we still hear crap like this: When you talk about opioid pain medicines, we’re essentially talking about heroin pills Andrew Kolodny, Executive director of Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing. 2017?????? [10] No, Andrew, we're not. Read this article and then try to make that same statement with a straight face.
The false narrative of prescriptions doing the killing persists despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The longer it persists, more pain patients will suffer and more people will die.
These charts are not lying. Too bad I can't say the same about others. NOTE: (1) I changed the name of the group to something more accurate. So sue me. COPYRIGHT © 1978-2016 BY THE AMERICAN COUNCIL ON SCIENCE AND HEALTH Source URL:
https://www.acsh.org/news/2018/12/12/dear-propcdc-heres-what-happens-when-you-over- restrict-pills-more-deaths-nice-going-13663
Links
[1] http://winsomeaunt.blogspot.com/2012/02/enough-already.html
[2] https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsnvsr67/nvsr67_09-508.pdf
[3] https://www.acsh.org/news/2017/04/12/no-vicodin-not-real-killer-opioid-crisis-11123
[4] https://www.acsh.org/news/2017/10/12/opioid-epidemic-6-charts-designed-deceive-you-11935
[5] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/357765
[6] https://www.acsh.org/news/2017/01/04/can-valium-kill-you-10675
[7] https://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/search/a?dbs+hsdb:@term+@DOCNO+7207
[8] https://www.aafp.org/news/health-of-the-public/20180425opioidstudy.html
[9] https://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/trends-statistics/overdose-death-rates
[10] https://www.cjonline.com/business/local/2017-08-29/it-s-coming-kansas-health-professionals-leaders- consider-opioid-crisis

The chilling presence that sent shivers down my spine deviated from the stereotypical image of a hardened criminal. 😨 It embodied the unassuming figure of a little old woman burdened with the weight of a true killer. 👵💀 Two years prior to our encounter, she had fatally shot her husband with a shotgun. 💔💥 Despite rumors in the neighborhood whispering a different tale, she had managed to avoid jail time by claiming self-defense, supported by multiple witnesses. 🙊🚫 Regardless of the truth, she had committed murder, and that very shotgun, resting in the corner of her foyer, could very well have been the weapon. 🔫💔
During the peak of my drug addiction, our paths crossed. However, I have since recovered and remained sober for six years. 🙌❌ At that time, opioids ruled my life, and Percocets were my poison of choice. 💊😔 A fellow addict informed me about a new dealer, Miss Coco, who sold her monthly prescription of 70 pills. 💊💰 Intrigued, I decided to visit her address, conveniently located just a few streets away from my friend Selena's place. 🏡🚶‍♂️ Before heading there, I dropped by Selena's to share the news. Little did I know, Selena held a treasure trove of cautionary tales about Miss Coco—stories of her dark deeds within the neighborhood. 👀📚 Selena pleaded with me to be careful, but I dismissed her concerns, assuming that an old woman posed no threat. Fear was absent from my thoughts as I approached the shotgun house and knocked on the door, fully aware that I was expected. 🚪😅🧓
The door creaked open, revealing a short, elderly woman. 👵 Catching a glimpse of her face and one bloodshot eye, she inquired about my name and gestured for me to come inside. 😯👀 As I stepped into her home, my attention was drawn to the shotgun leaning in the corner. She led me further into the house, giving me a chance to observe her closely. Fragile and hunched over, she walked with a cane. A silk bonnet adorned her head, and her attire resembled a moo-moo. The toll of diabetes was evident on her left foot. 👵🚶‍♀️👒 We settled in the living room, a cluttered space that somehow managed to maintain a semblance of cleanliness. A peculiarly placed rug on the otherwise bare floors triggered thoughts of bloodstains, reminding me of Selena's words. However, Miss Coco seemed amiable, offering me a drink and a snack. Underneath her surprisingly kind eyes, I pondered the bizarre nature of this drug deal. I silently scoffed at Selena's warnings, considering them unfounded. I accepted the soda but declined the snack, completing my purchase of her entire script of pain pills. Miss Coco mentioned she would refill it on the same day next month. I bid her farewell, blissfully ignorant of any wild notions about this seemingly harmless old woman's capacity for violence. 🛋️🥤🍿
For several months, I followed a routine, returning to Miss Coco's place, sipping on soda, declining snacks, and leaving in a state of blissful intoxication. 🥤🚶‍♂️🍿 Over time, our interactions allowed me to catch a glimpse into her life—her struggles with diabetes, stories of her children, and how weed brought her relief. Occasionally, I even shared a joint with her and helped her with minor tasks like moving furniture. Yet, the topic of her late husband never arose, and I dared not broach the subject. Days turned into weeks, and the notion of this old lady's capacity for sudden violence faded from my mind. ☀️🍃
Then, one summer day, it was my turn to visit Miss Coco for my drugs. My friend Shayn accompanied me on this particular occasion. We followed our usual routine, entering her home. 🚪💊 However, Shayn innocently mentioned a recently released movie he wanted to watch. Struggling to recall its title, I was taken aback when Miss Coco's eyes lit up, revealing a collection of bootleg DVDs, including the exact movie Shayn desired. 🎥🤩 Excitedly, she allowed us to choose three movies and requested their return once we were finished. That night, at my place, we eagerly inserted Shayn's preferred movie into the player. To our disappointment, the footage resembled a shaky cellphone recording, complete with people walking in front of the screen and constant chatter from behind the camera. The quality was abysmal. 😫😬 Laughing at our misfortune, we assumed the other two DVDs would be just as terrible and opted for a different film. A few days later, on my way to meet Selena, I remembered the DVDs and decided to return them to Miss Coco. Attempting to call her first, I received no answer. Undeterred, I approached her doorstep and knocked, but still, there was no response. Thinking nothing of it, I left the DVDs propped up against her door, protected from the elements by the screen on the top half of her storm door. My mind shifted to my plans with Selena, and I promptly forgot about the encounter. 📀🚪📞🏡🤷‍♂️
Later that night, as I indulged in the company of friends and the haze of my high, my phone incessantly rang. Disinterested in conversation, I initially ignored the calls. But as they persisted, my friend urged me to answer. Retrieving my phone, I noticed it was Miss Coco attempting to reach me. The late hour and her uncharacteristic behavior heightened my concern. Normally, her number served the sole purpose of arranging my visits on the 12th of each month. Today was only the 9th. Anxiety crept in, and I returned her call promptly. Astonishingly, she answered before the phone even rang once. An aura of fury emanated from her voice as she unleashed her anger upon me. I had carelessly left the DVDs in her door, and in her eyes, I had disrespected the ways of the hood. Anyone could have seen them, seized the opportunity, and stolen them. My actions were disrespectful, rude, and ungrateful, according to her lengthy diatribe. Though I maintained a calm tone, I offered my sincere apologies while also expressing my opinion on the lackluster quality of the movies. Unexpectedly, her tone shifted once more, returning to the sweet old Miss Coco I had known. She conceded that her reaction had been unwarranted, blaming her edginess that night. She apologized for her outburst, reassuring me that I had been good to her and didn't deserve such treatment. As if to make amends, she informed me that she had obtained her script earlier than usual. In fact, she had it with her at that very moment. She invited me to collect it that night. Now, a rational and sober person would have detected the red flags instantly. But under the influence of my intoxication and oblivious to the danger, I foolishly believed I had stumbled upon a miracle. Junkie Jesus, I thought, had granted me another opportunity for an enhanced high. Eagerly, I set off towards Coco's house. 📱🕰️🗣️😡🙏💊
The intoxication still enveloped me as I approached her home. To my surprise, the DVDs were still where I had left them. Coco swung open the door as I approached the step, commanding me to retrieve the movies and bring them inside. Although her voice carried a stern tone, it lacked the earlier crazed edge. With the DVDs in hand, I entered the living room, taking my usual spot. Yet, something felt amiss—a gnawing uneasiness crept up my spine. 😨🚪🎥😳
I shifted my gaze around the room, and that's when I saw it—the shotgun. It was no longer resting in the corner; instead, it was firmly gripped in Miss Coco's frail hands. Panic surged through my veins, jolting me into a state of hyper-awareness. I glanced at the door, calculating my chances of escape. But before I could make a move, Coco spoke in a soft, chilling voice. She recounted the story of her husband's murder, a narrative that deviated drastically from her previous self-defense claims. She confessed to cold-blooded murder, describing how she had lured him into the living room, promising a moment of intimacy. Instead, she pulled the trigger, unleashing a devastating blast that ended his life. Her motive, she revealed, had been her husband's infidelity, a betrayal that shattered her heart. The image of the bloodstained rug came rushing back to my mind, and I realized it had been soaked with the remnants of her husband's life force. 💥🔫😱
Paralyzed by fear, I listened to her words with growing terror. She declared her intent to recreate that horrific scene, this time with me as her unwitting victim. In a macabre twist of fate, the very weapon she used to end her husband's life would now be turned against me. The seconds ticked away, each one stretching into an eternity. In a desperate bid for survival, I mustered the courage to plead for my life. I spoke of redemption, of change, and of the possibility of a different path. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, a flicker of doubt appeared in her eyes. It was in that fragile moment that I saw a glimmer of mercy. She hesitated, her grip on the shotgun loosening ever so slightly. 🙏😰
Taking a gamble, I continued to speak, appealing to the humanity buried beneath her hardened exterior. I shared my own journey of addiction and recovery, of the struggles and the strength it took to overcome them. I painted a picture of hope, of transformation, and of the possibility of redemption. As the minutes passed, I could see the conflict within her, the battle between vengeance and compassion. And then, in a final act of defiance against her past, she released her grip on the shotgun, dropping it to the floor with a thud. 💔🗣️🎤
We sat in silence, the weight of our shared secrets hanging heavy in the air. She glanced at me, her eyes filled with a mix of regret and resignation. In that moment, I realized that despite the horrors of her past, Miss Coco was still capable of change. The darkness within her could be tempered by the light of compassion and the possibility of a different future. It was a lesson I would carry with me for the rest of my life. 🤫💡🌟
As I left her house that night, the weight of the encounter pressed upon me. The path to recovery, I realized, was not just about overcoming personal demons but also about confronting the demons that lurk within others. Miss Coco had been a reminder that beneath the surface, anyone can carry a story of darkness and struggle. But within each person, there is also the potential for transformation, for healing, and for a new beginning. And as I walked away, I vowed to carry that lesson forward, embracing the power of redemption and the possibility of change in every step of my own journey. 🚶‍♂️💛🌅

I'll probably be around for a few months due to lack of resources to actually commit... but, researching methods just made this worse...
Suicide is far more challenging than the media lets on, it requires desperation in addition to courage.. and when you get to the state that I'm mentally methods can be challenging..
I just want it to be over..
My whole life has just been constant backsteps...
I was "raised " by parents who were addicted to alcohol and opiates...
my father was constantly abusing my mother, my father pushing my mother down the steps and giving her a permanent back-injury was one of my first memories.. I remember being 4 or 5 yrs old after my dad threw my mom into the corner of a table.. she couldn't get up for hours.. I didn't understand the concept of calling 911 and neither did my younger sister, we waited for my older brother (different father) to get home and help her..
When I was 6 my mother was hospitalized for liver damage, after much treatment her liver actually regenerated and things were seeming better... my parents, sister and I moved in with my grandparents for about 2 years..
Things were alright, my parents couldn't constantly drink anymore under my grandparents' watch, but I was a little too young to even understand the drinking was going on... it was here I attended kindergarten for a second time and 1st grade. My parents did still fight at times and there was a time when my mom hotwired my dad's car, stole it, and took us out to get icecream. As a kid i thought this was awesome, because i already had a bad opinion of my dad. Things seemed normal then, but I was young, I didn't really grasp how bad that was.
Afterwards, my grandparents helped my father get a house about 45 mins away... this was probably their worst decision..
When i was 7 i moved to our new house, but the good times did not last, my dad quickly started drinking heavily again, my mom was being prescribed percocet for her back, and quickly it became an addiction. She would share her pills with my dad and then they started buying pills from my father's co-worker, their dealer. My mom's father died and then, she fell into depression and practically gave up on life. She started drinking heavily again somewhere around this time. At some point during this time, my older brother moved in with us again and he stepped in and became the closest thing I had to a father-figure at that time.. when he wasn't home my parents were insanely neglectful and always screaming and cursing at each other, my dad started hitting my mom again and, it got to the point that I hardly ever saw them sober or not fighting. Before my brother got home from work my dad would just lock himself in his room and continue to drink gin until he blacked out.
This period of my life was around ages 7 - 13, when I was around 10 or 11my dad threw my sister when she got between my mom and him. My brother got home, found out and finally called the cops, when my dad would get extra aggressive he would yank the phone cord out of the wall and hide it, so we couldn't let relatives or police know what was going on. I had already seen a lot at this point, my dad would go into alcoholic psychosis and chase my mom with knives and scream random sayings from horror movies ect.. I've seen him hold a knife to her throat and gotten between them while he had a knife.. ,but they never touched me or my sister... this is why my brother called the cops.. during their usual fights he was old enough to know that both my parents were equally at fault.. for a month or two, my mom had a restraining order and my dad had to go back to my grandparents' house. But, because the house was in my grandparents and my dad's name my mom, sister, and I had to move to a temporary motel that childservices or some agency paid for, because my mom did not work.
We lived in the motel for a few months, and my dad started visiting, eventually they got back together and we all moved back in to my dad's house.. I really think they were just co-dependant, my mom needed my dad for bills, and she wanted to be able to drink again.. family services got involved and we'd have a counselor come to check and make sure things were stable, and then my parents just told us to pretend we weren't home whenever they came and they got back into fighting and pills and drinking, my brother moved out with his girlfriend at some point during this time, so I lost my real father figure..he had been helping raise us since he was 11 though, I never blamed him, but things got so much worse after this. My parents fighting became regular again and by the time I was 13 my mom became very sick, she stayed sick in the dark in my sister's old room for days before my father finally took her to the hospital.
It was chirosis... she only lasted about 2 and a half months in the hospital, even though she was a mother, previous liver damage due to drinking made getting on a donor list impossible.. tbh this was like watching my hero die... in my world my dad was the villain and my mom was a hero.. but this was only from a child's perspective... as an adult, I realize they were both mentally ill individuals who also had tortured childhoods.. my sister and I lived alone with my dad for a few months, but he was developing heart issues due to his drinking and pills.. about 4 months after my dad either died of heart failure or suicide due overdose, my sister and I found the body after school..
Afterwards, we moved in with my grandparents on my dad's side at 14 and 13... they were well-off, obviously not addicts, and one would think this change would be good...
But things actually got worse... when we moved in they expected us to be bad kids.. we weren't really, but the standards they expected from two recently orphaned kids was insane.. we were immediately given a huge chore contract our first day moving in, and my sister and I spent the majority of our time away from school doing yard work and chores to help them, and my aunts and uncles would shame my sister and I for not helping our "old" grandparents even more.. straight from trauma and orphanhood to shame, this stopped my sister and I from forming a natural bond with them.. there was a huge generational gap, so I don't completely blame them, but the majority of my time went to chores and we weren't allowed to have friends over, so all through high-school I never really made any.. I had a girlfriend throughout high-school who had also been through similar trauma..
My grandfather was diagnosed alzheimer's shortly after we moved in, so at times the meticulous chores made no sense
All through high-school, other then spending time with my gf, I was severely depressed, traumatized, suffering from sleep paralysis, sleep deprivation, and sleeping through most of my classes.. there was also a maturity gap... my grandparents lived in an affluent area.. and I got bullied for having dead parents and all the kids just seemed so childish in highschool.. what I didn't realize was that I wasn't more mature, I had just been forced into adult situations at way too young of an age...due to missing so much school in 7th grade when my parent's passed, I missed out on basic math skills, but also lacked something I didn't realize until I was an adult.. I am most likely autistic and my extreme lack of coordination as a child should have been a clue.. my mom always just said I had a "wrist problem".. I still cannot catch or throw or run correctly, many of these things, I was made fun of for as a child, but part of it was during physical activities, there has always been this disconnect between my body and mind
Also between the ages of 7-13 I started to be constantly entranced in a fantasy realm and developed what i believe to be OCD i had to touch everything even amounts of times like light switches, I believed God talked to me personally, I had 2 angel friends that I believed were real and we would fight demons together in my mind, I also believed I could perform magic rituals and affect reality.. I never told anyone this as a child. I thought I was supposed to keep my "training" a secret.. it was as if my own imagination was trying to raise me.. and i was also afraid i was secretly God, because when I was a kid my mom would have me believe in things that weren't real like that my older brother was my dad and believed he was god I think this may have been a factor...
The fantasy stuff actually dimmed in highschool... my OCD was getting bad, i kept it a secret ,but I was doing rituals constantly, I just kept them well hidden
I never told anyone about my past delusions or my OCD or my depression or trauma, my grandparents took my sister and I to a counselor once right after my parents died and we told them about a problem we were having with our grandparents and the excessive strictness... the counselor asked my grandparents about it and then they flipped out on us... so I stopped trusting counselors early due to THAT ONE counselor that broke her oath of patient privacy...
Once I got a gf in high-school, the delusional stuff was pretty much gone.. I kind of grew out of it.. but I was experiencing horrible night terrors and sleep paralysis multiple times a night.. the sleep paralysis led to me staying up all night.. this is why I slept through my classes..
My grandparents were concerned, so was the school, I was sent to a psychologist, and due to my past negative experience with the counselor, I lied and told him I was fine and just had trouble sleeping, I think he may have noticed something was off, because I was afraid to socialize even over the the phone (I think he wanted me to call a movie theater) to "leave" my comfort zone....
I so so so so wish I was honest and told him about my OCD and the actual trauma I'd witnessed, but I thought I'd get in trouble with my grandparents, if I told the psych all the stuff about their son (my dad) and about the strict weirdly meticulous chores i did for them instead of socializing with other teens... I was afraid to tell him my grandparents were part of the problem so I lied...
Also forgot to add, my gf was verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive to me.. the words hurt the most
After high-school, my gf dumped me, I had just started college, and my grandfather's alzheimers progressed to dementia and I was again shamed into taking care of him by my aunts and uncles.. so my whole first semester I did pretty bad.. My sister introduced me to a couple she was friends with and we became smoke buddies at first and then good friends..
After 8th grade a 4 years of high-school I made my first few friends. They had one friend who I did shrooms with (not a bad experience overall) ,but a couple weeks after the stress got worse and I ended up fully delusional for months...
Eventually I calmed down and met a girl and we dated for 4 years and I finished my associates degree..
It took me 5 years to get a two year degree, due to the constant stress, depression, lack of math skills, lack of social skills, and need to care for my grandfather in my first couple attempts
I was working at a dunkin donuts for a long time during college
But, the 4 years i was with her, I was at my most stable... she had cheated tho.. more than once... and it fed my paranoia yet again.. I stayed with her tho and there were many good times... we used to smoke a lot, but she was a crim major and had to stop and her mom introduced us to drinking... this led to us both sharing a huge bottle of vodka every night for a few months until, I started to get gastritis... she was unfortunately an easily angered drunk.. and it led to some issues, but we got clean and got an apartment
I was finally out of my grandparents house... while she finished up her final semester her dad got me a job at a construction company.. I had to leave the job because we were planning on moving in with a few of her college friends, but that fell through and we ended up moving closer to the company than I was before, but I had already left and they didn't want me back... we lived in this new apt. for about a week before we got into a small argument and she dumped me..
Back to my grandmother's house... I was okay for a few months reconnecting with the only good friend I made..
I had a summer job under the table that payed okay, but it wasn't a real job..
Over the summer my delusions started to come back.. I thought my ex would get back with me eventually,
When that was done in the fall instead of looking for a job or going back to school right away to get a bachelor's degree, i had to attend my cousin's wedding in Tennessee. I had a good time had fun with family, was feeling pretty optimistic and then the wedding party hit, it felt like my beer was spiked with LSD one night... i thought about my ex... started crying and sent her a long ass message that didn't make much sense... after that things started to get weird for me again mentally... and as soon as i got back i through my old tarot cards into the bed of my truck... the next day, my truck wouldn't start.. and i thought i did something bad.. then I went to Denver for a week with my friend and his friend, we had a goodtime, I lost my luggage on the way back and my friend and his friend went ahead of me.. paranoid of being alone and missing the plane, I didn't bother to report it to staff to find it.
Got back to my grandmother's and couldn't find work while my truck was being fixed.. it took months and was unable to be fixed.. I finally just got a new cheap used car with some money I had saved up, then covid quarantine hit and jobs and businesses were closing...
I started to research what I could do with my associates degree, nothing... started looking into labor jobs.. my experience didn't qualify.. looked into going back to school but, the closest one was very far from home and I didn't have much money and had a secret fear of driving long distances... I want into a full panic convinced I'd wasted my whole life and it was too late to turn things around...
So, I moved in with my brother in Florida for a few months to work with him at his ex's pizza shop, I thought the change would help, but I left my sister and only two friends behind and my depression realizing my schooling amounted to nothing made me increasingly anxious, I thought I'd never see my sister or two other close friends again.. and my motor skills started to get worse around this time.. this was supposed to be my chance to get back on my feet, but I rushed it.. I only brought like one pair of clothes, and my birth certificate and my brother wanted me to try to get back into college down in Florida, but my paranoia had me get him to take me back to my grandmother's a 19 hour drive away.. I didn't mean to mess this up.. the anxiety just got so bad I could barely talk..
Back at grandmother's house, got a convenient store job.. it's a chain that's decent to work for that will help you work your way up to management, only a new problem.. only a month or two after returning home my grandmother gets dizzy one day.. my aunt took her to the hospital.. she got diagnosed with a cancer that would leave her with with only about 2 to 3 months.. I had no idea where to go if she died... right before she died my best friend and sister took me to the psych ward for being suicidal, they gave me an online therapist that didn't help, after my grandma died..
Now.. here I am...
Both parents lost.. Grandparents gone...
No clue where I'm going when the house is sold, but I'm allowed to stay there, I started drinking before work, they let me go.. and I started renting at my cousin's house, with some of the money my grandmother left me.. I went out with a friend around my birthday.. and got a dui... I still had my license for over a year after, because covid backed up the courts
I stayed there about a year and ended up in the hospital from drinking almost died, got clean, got a girlfriend was Doordashing and doing my summer job, she didn't judge me for being a little behind in life and for a few months everything was amazing, I was feeling hopeful, was working out, and healthy and then everything crashed down, my boss at the summer job randomly let me go, but I couldn't fight it because it was under the table, my car broke down and was unfixable, and my gf left me, because she had to travel for a new job...
Now my delusions came back again and I started doing weird stuff thought I was "going on missions for the govt." And got lost in the streets.. my cousin couldn't take me back in.. and I ended up on the streets and eventually bought a cheap burner phone to see if a family member on my mom's side could take me in.. when I freaked out my family on my dad's side was trying to help, but I was convinced they were trying to kill me, so I couldn't hold a normal conversation with them
I'm now staying with my grandma on my mom's side before paying rent here I got lost going to the store I ended up like 30 miles away and was in a complete state of delusion.. checked myself into a psych ward saying I was lost without a way to contact anyone and I was ready to jump off a bridge.. they were able to get in touch with my family and I got to my grandmother's
I'm now paying rent with the last $60,000 I have... I have no car, no ID, no job, hardly any lifeskills
Delusions have been gone for a while now and it's impossible for me to believe in them anymore.. there's just emptiness, friendlessness, and desperation..
I have no clue where to start.... I missed so many basic skills early on in my life, I literally CANNOT live alone, but eventually that rent money will run out..
I NEED to die before then...
I think my issue is that many crucial elements to stability are started in childhood and I never had them.. this combined with the trauma, poor motor skills/coordination, and fear of socializing
I already had something wrong with me and was depressed a lot as a child with OCD.. and the overimagination... combine that with neglect and then being raised by elderly who need their own help..
I just never had guidance..
I'm 28 now... I don't want to I've like this anymore...
I don't want to run out of money and starve on the streets..
It seems so inevitable...
I wish I had died years ago..
I needed parents and guardians...