How to get to youtube at school

Hello!
Next year I will be teaching 8th grade science in a middle school that is moving into the previous high school building. My classroom is a proper science lab as opposed to the converted classroom I had in my last building.
Things I have to work with so far:

• Shared closet for lab equipment storage with industrial shelving
  
• Demo lab counter at the front of the room
  
• ViewSonic screen that I may or may not be able to move
  
• A Chromebook for me and 1:1 student Chromebooks they take with them
  
• Six pentagonal built-in lab stations that seat four
  
• Modular cabinets, one tall one with a coat closet and several small ones
  
• A few other random tables along the walls
  

Any advice for setting up and teaching in a proper lab with a demo counter? It seemed like the high school biology teacher who had the room before had her desk area on the demo counter. I had an actual desk with drawers in my old classroom, so I had an external monitor, keyboard, and mouse set up for desk work (grading, planning, etc.). I had my desk at the front of my room so I could take attendance from there. I also had a MacBook and an iPad, so I could leave my MacBook on my desk all day and use the iPad to teach. At my new school, I’ll have the one Chromebook. I’d love a proper desk space, but I don’t know how I’ll go about getting a desk and chair. I haven’t had a chance to look around the building to see what other teachers have.

I am 17f doing exams in school with 2 years left. I am the only single person in my friend group and I'm very ugly, which I have come to accept but it's still upsetting from time to time. I also really need to work on being nicer to people which I try
I'm mentally ill and very unintelligent, and recently I've been so exhausted all the time, I went to bed at 1am and woke up at 1pm today and time is just constantly flying by, I'll probably wake up later tommorow, and I often feel sick nowadays, getting injured a lot and my allergies are bad.
The worst thing right now, is that my grandfather has two cancers, my father is often taking care of him so I don't see him much and probably will see less of him and our life has turned upside down and my mother is insisting he will die snd he is in so much pain. I've been crying all day and I wish I could leave the country for a while or something.
My grandfather will be the closest person to me to die so far, and he will probably die ashamed of me like everyone else in my life is at the moment, I don't know how I'll handle worse circumstances as I know people have it worse and are coping better

TW: This is about self doubt, anxiety and self hate.
i want to share another story of family and people who were supposed to be my safe space hating me and breaking me, hoping that they might be other people with similar experiences so that they dont feel alone.
Hey i am a medical student in germany, and only now i am realizing how massive my problems are. I am 21yo moved out 6 months ago and started therapy just recently. I lived my life accepting being in a constant state of awareness, rush and stress in every decision and thought i make, but particurlarly in social situations. i wake up anxious, i question every decision i make. i fear judgement and i judge and think about my actions all the time. I am trying to be better all the time and life was so hard. on the other side life is so beautiful and i dont want to live my life in this state.
During childhood, my family demanded obedience. Everything must be followed and everything else so as i was a child and never developed my self worth and confidence, i constantly was under obedience i had to listen and to follow. and never really developed my own thoughts. never really developed my own values. and my family hated each other. there was only judging and controlling each other and hating. i never felt secure and i still dont feel secure with my parents. i never had a safe space to express my negative feelings. they were always neglected and pushed away.
so when i was with another person, he told me manipulative things and i had to follow them, because i accepted and still accept every thought other people give me. he was at first a school friend i spent much time with, i trusted him we were best friends. i listened to him an trusted him. but suddenly he told me that other peobple hated me he told me that i am stupid and useless. he broke me. he knew that i would accept everything from others and continued planting this doubts and hate into me. that went over many years. everytime i was around him he planted these thoughts inside of me after evry interaction ih ad he said to me that the other person hated me. i adapted these kind of thinking patterns and until now i still think them and they are breaking me. i wake up anxious and think about every interaction i have with other people. judging every action and every thought i have. its exhausting and its hurtful. i cant enjoy being around people because i think i have to be funny or have to perform. its stress and its not being there.
only recently i discovored that this is not the state other people find themselves in, yes people think what they do and social interactions are alway somewhat scary. but i suffer so much and other people seem to be much more free than i am. only recently i discovered that some people actually have a safe space at home and are able to express their doubts and negative feelings etc. i never had that and i still interact the way i interact with my parents:

1. i always think that people expect something from me
2. i always think that people hate me

and thats all because that was demanded in childhood and with this former friend and manipulator
I know there is much potential in me. i know i am creative, sensible, have great capacity to think through situations. I want to change the world to be a better place as a physician. I am also working in a elementary school looking after kids and trying to give them every positive thing i can give them.
i want to feel better i want to connect with other people and there is so much pain and doubt and missed meaningful things in my life all because they are negative thinking patterns that were planted inside of me. and i am afraid to talk about it because its so absurd. its so absurd that i hate myself and that i have so much pain that i inflict to myself. this is illness. i am dissociating from conversations to judge and think about things that i said a minute ago. i am not free and i think and think and i hate conversations. i hate being around people because i feel obliged to serve them all the time.
I live in a privileged part of the world and i have everything. i have a home, i can buy quality food, have every entertainment i want, i have peace and freedom, objectively. and i hate that i am still not well. there are people with real objective problems like war and poverty, and i live here in peace, hating myself because someone broke me.
I think this is cPTSD, and my therapist is talking with me about it. We are talking about medication as well, and I am getting better at opening myself. about changing the ways i think. but still, life is very hard everyday. i try to tell myself that i am fine as well, and i pretend that i am fine and happy. but it slowly doenst work anymore.
i hope someone can relate and i can alleviate the fear of being alone with this sort of problem.

I didn't know whether to post this on legaladvice because I'm not sure it's gotten to that level yet.
Two months ago there was a domestic dispute in my building. I (25f) was coming home when I noticed two police officers waiting for the elevator. I would've waited for the next one, but we only have two elevators, and one was broken. I rode up with the officers, and I was surprised to see that we all got off on the same floor--mine. Apparently the disturbance was the unit next to mine. I've only lived here for three months, so I don't know any of my neighbours. I didn't think too much of it at the time, and I went into my unit and closed the door.
About 30 minutes later, I hear a knock at my door. It was one of the police officers that I had ridden up with on the elevator. He asked me to open the door, but I was hesitant, so I asked if we could just talk through the closed door. He showed me his badge through the peep hole to I guess make me feel safer, but that didn't help. He told me that he needed to see my identification because I might be a witness to what occurred in the unit next to mine. I told him that I saw nothing, so I wouldn't be a big help. He told me that either I talk to him now, or I have to go to the police station in the morning, which could take all day. I'm a student. I couldn't take off a whole day to talk about an incident, so I agreed.
He didn't come inside my place. We chatted at my door. He asked me for ID, so I gave him my driver's licence. He wrote down my information (my number as well), and told me that he would be in contact. Two days later I spotted him at my building after coming home from class. He asked me how my neighbours were doing, and I said fine, and tried to get into my building. He stopped me and said that he thought he and I had chemistry the night we met, and he asked me out. I told him that I had a boyfriend (lie) and I sidestepped him into my building.
The next day, I get a call from my grandmother. She tells me that a "nice police officer" came by and was asking very personal questions about me. The person she describes sounds exactly like the police officer who asked me out. My licence has my grandmother's address. I was living with her before, and I haven't had time to go and change it. At this point I was freaking out. I told her not to talk to him, and not to answer the door if he comes back. Two weeks ago I'm walking home from class, and I jay-walked to get to my building. I hear someone calling my name, so I turn around, and it's the police officer again. He tells me that he could fine me for Jay-walking because it's illegal, but he won't if I go out with him. I told him again that I'm seeing someone, but he tells me that my grandmother told him that I was single. I told him that it's a new relationship, so she wouldn't know. He said that he would hold off on the jay-walking ticket, but not for long. It's been a few weeks since that confrontation, but I see him pretty often. I live in a safe neighbourhood, but he seems to always be parked somewhere near my school or apartment building.
I'm on a student visa. I'm Canadian. I can't afford to have a ticket on my record, but I'm also very worried that this police officer will escalate this situation if I don't go out with him. I told one of my closest friend about this, and she told me that what this police officer was doing was romantic, and I'm an asshole for not going out with him?

**HEY! ARC here. Go buy Book 2's official physical copy from Amazon.com! ---- Previous
Suma’s POV
(Another mission behind inside enemy controlled territory.) I thought, perched and watching the horizon as the sun moved behind the Yggsdrasil tree, causing its green and orange leaves to shimmer like a sunset. (Hopefully not like the last.)
“Suma,” Jake said though our private connection, “squad’s here; at the base of the castle. Ready to go?”
“Yes.” I answered and flew down to meet them. All the while, wondering how Rou had handled Odens’ passing in the past week and a half. Would she be there? Spotting Jake, and landing on the perch in his armor, I got my answer after looking around. I saw Captain Gigoales, Lieutenant Datahu, and Nine, but Rou was nowhere to be seen. However, there were two new faces. Perched on a Black Serpent was Lauric Isbala, and one other Neame I did not recognize.
“Lady Suma.” Lauric said curtly.
“Sir Lauric?” I asked, surprised to see him again. I knew he had joined the Drakes just as Jake and I had, but not once in all our training had we encountered him.
“You are well it seems, as is your familiar.”
“Hey Lauric.” Jake said hesitantly. He and Lauric had never gotten along, and neither had we. “How have you been?”
“Well.” Lauric said flatly. “Shall we take our leave and begin the mission?”
“Indeed. The team has already been briefed on the mission, and each moment we stay here, our objective grows further away.” Captain Gigoales said. “We can make proper introductions while we travel. Third Squadron, get into tunnel formation.” One by one we all followed after the Captain as he took the lead. Flying into the sky, our formation was single file. Captain in the lead, then the Lieutenant, followed by Suma, Nine, Lauric, Fourteen which was the designation of the newest team member, and finally, Jake; who was riding Chariot.
The reason we traveled like this was to increase our speed as much as possible. The one is first position, in this case our Captain, was to cast and maintain a wind spell that created a tube of air that would push all turbulence aside, while also creating enough lift and directional winds to pull anyone inside forward faster than most could fly. Since Ambos-Ompera was so far away from the coast, every moment counted. Jake was the only one outside the wind tunnel as we traveled, since he was too large to fit into it, but he kept up with us by using fire magic to create what he called a ‘jet stream’ for himself. Apparently, it was already similar to what the runes on Chariot did, but more effective.
Due to the wind tunnels excessive noise, Lieutenant Datahu cast a Mind-Magic spell that allowed us to communicate. It was Jake who used it first. “I know we are already in the middle of a mission, but I guess I just wanted to properly introduce myself. You said your name was Fourteen? Mine’s Ja… Sentinel.”
“Ah yes, Sentinel. It is a pleasure. Though, I have no name, my current number is fourteen. I was transferred to your squadron just a few days ago.”
“Lauric and Fourteen are Odens and Rou’s replacements.” Lieutenant Datahu said.
“Does this mean Rou is leaving the Drakes?” I asked.
“No, she is on modified-assignment. Until further notice, she will remain on guard duty at base. It was by her own request.” Datahu said.
“She took Odens’ loss hard. Really hard.” Nine said.
“Fourteen was sent to fill Odens’ role, and Lauric volunteered to fill Rou’s for this mission.” Datahu said, to my surprise.
“Lauric, you volunteered to be on the same squad as me? Really?” Jake asked, rather tactlessly and equally surprised. Though I could not blame him. The last time we spoke to Lauric Isbala, he effectively called Jake a monster, best used for war. “You’re not still worried I’m a danger to the country, are you?”
Without looking back at anyone, Lauric responded, “No. After reading the reports and having the events explained to me firsthand, I believe you are neither a danger to the Drakes, nor a hindrance. My reasons for joining this mission are personal.”
“Reasons that I expect you will not allow to interfere with the mission.” Lieutenant Datahu said sternly.
“Never, Lieutenant. The mission comes first.”
“So, Fourteen. How did you get that… designation?” Jake asked.
“Probably the same way I got the number Nine. He was the fourteenth nameless Neame to join the Drakes this year, and the number was available.”
“Quite so. My skills with both battle and support spells allowed me to join, and I was placed on Seventh Squadron. Until recently.”
“Why did you leave?” Jake asked.
“Seventh Squadron was dissolved after a mission gone wrong, and all remaining member were reassigned.”
“If I might ask, how many survivors?” Nine asked.
“Two.” The Captain said, finally interjecting. “Their Sargent, and Fourteen. Now let the singing dive. I need to focus on maintaining the spell. Keep all nonessential communication to a minimum until we arrive at the sea-flyer.”
We flew for hours in silence, except for the sounds of winds roaring just a wingspan away, going so fast just touching it could break bones and rip out feathers. Just as the sun began to set in the distance, Jake said something strange.
“I think I smell the ocean.”
“We must be getting near our transport.” The Captain said. “Keep an eye out. We should be able to see it soon.”
“Captain, there is it. Forward left, under the sun and just above the horizon.” Nine announced. The Captain readjusted our formation, and soon we were landing on the shore by the ocean.
“A dockyard?” Jake asked aloud, now that we did not need the wind-tunnel anymore.
“Indeed. I shall go and speak with the dockmaster, they will know which sea-flyer will be our transport. Wait here.” Captain Gigoales said.
“These are sea-flyers then?” Fourteen asked. We all examined them. They were colossal things. There was no stone anywhere in them that I could see, despite their large size. Rather, they were made entirely of wood, with large swaths of fabric strapped to and hanging from a set of, what appeared to be, comically large perches. The shape reminded me of the pit of a walgo flower if it was cut lengthwise, but brown instead of red. Along the top of the ship were runes engraved into perches and filled with clay.
“On my world, we call them ships.” Jake said. “Or, sailboats.”

This is gonna sound silly (which to be honest it is), but I been thinking all day about it, and wanted to know people's opinion. It is possible that I am being full of myself and hence an AH.
So basically many years ago, while I was in high school, I had a wiccan phase, and by that I meant, I dressed in black, wore pentagrams and listened to death metal. It didn't last much longer, but in that short time, it did have an impact on a group of popular christian girls, who kinda had it out for me at that time. They made my life hell, routinely put religious flyers in my locker, loudly pray to save my soul and were just bitchy all around. I wish I could tolerated them, but my gay sister (who had graduated by then) faced a similar religious gang years earlier, so I decided to return the favor, meaning I made these fake voodoo dolls of each of them, and had a totally ridiculous wiccan ceremony in the cafeteria, in which I pretended to be a witch, and put a curse on each of the dolls. I don't even rememeber what I cursed them with, but it was stuff like, bad things will happen to you, you will lose everything, your boyfriend will break up with you, you will never find happiness etc. I mean, its been years so can't be specific. Anyhow, they got pissed and basically made a huge deal for me to get be expelled, and for a minute it was on the table, as people are quite religious in the old Midwest, but I didn't got expelled, though I had to see a student mental health counselor for some time. It was clearly a joke for anyone with two brain cells, but they took it serious and made it a bigger deal. Anyway, I graduated, moved out to college in a year and totally forgot about it, that is until yesterday.
So I am visiting my hometown, and my mom and her friend, took me and my boyfriend to dinner last night. Well, at the resturant, 2 of those girls with a young kid and an old woman, probably her mother (or some old nanny for the kid) were sitting on the next table. It took them half an hour to recognize me, but then one of them came up to me, and start mouthing these horrible things, like how I cursed them and I am a witch, and I will go to hell. I am like wtf, the waiter is trying to control them, the people are looking (and taking way too much interest) and my bf is like trying to hide. Anyway, from her gibberish I found out that in her gang, one of the girl died from cancer (yikes), another one lost an eye (geez) by falling, the girl sitting on the table can only walks with crutches cuz she got into an accident and the one yelling had her boyfriend dump her after getting her pregnant and raise a child as a single mother. I guess, all the talk of celibacy was just really talk then. Anyway, she was adamant that it was a real curse, and I really am responsible for all these things happening to them, as I have cursed them publicly using my witch magic. I tried laughing at first, then ignoring and then telling her, lets talk outside or later, but she wasn't having any of it, and her friend from table also joined in while everyone tried to calm everyone down. It got to the point, I heard an old lady from another table "She doesn't look like witch, she looks like a lesbian". So I had shut it down.
So I got loud saying I am sorry and its sad to hear about the cancer girl, no one deserves cancer and please pass my condolonces. Similarly for the girl who lost her eye, its a tragic accident, she probably doesn't deserve this, but the who got into accident was a terrible driver and it only was a matter of time she injured someone or herself. At least she is alive. And to the one yelling, yeah, her boyfriend would have ran away from her, even if she didn't got pregnant. Its just her shitty personality. At least you have a kid, now be a good mother and don't act crazy like that. Well, in response, she took a drink and threw in my face, pissing me off and murmured something something fighting evil. My mom had enough, she signaled us to just go, we got up but she was still shouting at my face, so not my proudest moment, I got angry and did what I had done earlier, I looked into her eyes and said "You know I thought I was done with ya, but I still have those dolls lying around" and then looked at her table, where her mother (probably) and her kid were sitting. She immediately did 180 and fell to the ground pleading "Please don't hurt my family. He is just a kid. Don't curse them. Please". I just got in the car and left. While leaving, she was on her knees, holding on to her cross necklace while crying.
My mom chewed my ass in the car, and said I am a big asshole. That I shouldn't be playing with people's religious beliefs, and this girl probably have some undiagnosed mental issues and I shouldn't be engaging in her delusions. What if she tries to harm me next time or get other people involved to go after me. I tried defending, but no one can counter my mom. My boyfriend just said that he is scared of me now and he should get baptized. so here it is. Am I really an AH? Maybe I was back then, but then again I never thought anyone would take it serious. But going against the opinion of my mom, I don't think I was an AH last night, Was I?

For quite a while now I've been genuinely too afraid to do anything. From eating/drinking, going to school, getting a driver's licence, getting into a relationship, hanging out with my friends, like I'm way too afraid.
I've lost over 20 pounds the past couple of weeks because I've been completely limiting my food intake, simply because I've been downright refusing food. When my mom asks if I want anything from the stores, I say no. I haven't been doing any studying for school, nor any of my homework - I'm not even sure if I'm passing all of my classes right now. I managed to convince my mom to let me be homeschooled next year because she thinks my grades will be better if I study alone and not feel so nervous in public and/or around others.
I have a high school exchange in August that I've been preparing for for like 2 years, and I was really hyped when I got accepted - I'm staying at a really nice host family's house and I'll be going to a private school, but lately my excitement has turned into fear. I don't know how to tell my mom I don't want to do this anymore when she's paid nearly $30k for this 6 month exchange.
I cut off a lot of my friends, refusing to hang out with them and stuff. I got a boyfriend who moved to a city about 9 hours away by car not long ago, and I agreed to go visit him in a couple of weeks from now. But again, I'm suddenly getting this feeling of being too scared and, though I want to see him, at the same time, I don't. All my friends are getting driver's licences, and my family has been encouraging me to do the same, but the thought of me driving just makes me think I'll get into a car crash or something. I've been completely against it - I wasn't always like this though and I don't know what's up with me. I really don't know what's going on and what my mentality's rationale behind basically keeping me from living is. I don't want to go to therapy either, I'm constantly scared of being judged, and last time I had therapy it didn't go well, so I've been completely avoiding counseling at all costs.

My uncle is nearly 40 years old, he never had any relationship, he decided to quit going to school when he was around 16. Since then he was mostly stuck home, didn’t want to socialise much, then after years have gone by he worked only for maybe few months, but then stopped, further on my grandad (his dad) passed away and he completely stopped going out (most likely because he didn’t feel the pressure of doing much anymore, as it was only him and my grandma in the house and she’s just too soft to tell him or make him do anything) So years have gone by, he hasn’t been outside for about 7 years now…. Not even once. He doesn’t work, he only sits on his laptop all day, he doesn’t do any shopping, my grandma is nearly 70 years old now and she’s working, paying all the bills, doing all his shopping - basically without her I don’t know how would he survive. When there’s any guests over, even when I come to visit he shuts himself completely in the room and doesn’t leave until guests are gone. I would also like to add that he had so much potential as a person… when I was a kid I always remember him as being super smart. He taught me how to speak and write in English, he has great IT skills and overall load of potential and it’s just so sad to see it all. I can see my grandmas mental well being is starting to be really affected by this and I just don’t know what to do or how to help, especially that I live abroad and don’t know how he is towards my grandma behind the closed doors… I can only imagine he looses his temper very easily and shouts at her. He is very anxious and scared of people, to the point he has banned my grandma from having anyone that he doesn’t know stay over the night at her own house etc. I just feel like he has been in this state for such a long time there isn’t much that could be done. What mental health issues could he be suffering from? Social Anxiety, fears? Doesn’t look like he has much empathy either….. Any advice on what way would be best to handle him being out of the house and get some proper help would be greatly appriciated. Thank you for taking the time to read!

If anybody reads this, i'm prepared to get hate cause I know i should have left a long time ago and not gotten pregnant. All i can say is poor self esteem made me accept more than i should. For some reason my mindset recently changed, and i was ready to break up with him around the time i got pregnant.
We've been together for 7 years. He was a student so we rented a decent apartment at his parents house (we still live there), but he spent additional time finishing school cause he was too unmotivated. After, it went months until he bothered to look for a job. After being miserable (with good reasons) in his job for some time, he quit without having a new one, and went months unemployed (this happened twice). Not long ago, he got a good job he likes, and says he will stay there.
We've fought about housework for years. I have mostly been the one doing the heavy lifting, including times i was sick, depressed, or worked while he didn't (i have a high demanding full time jo(b). I do most of the cooking and cleaning, and even tho he also can do everyday tidying, i often pick up his mess too. I also take care of my own car, and me+his parents are the ones who shovel snow. He gets groceries, but i cant really count on it. He sometimes makes us meals. I do my own+our shared laundry, but his mom wash his clothes for him. When we have people over, i'm the one who does the work. I have tried to adress this to him a hundred different ways, and nothing works because he is defensive and in denial. At the same time, he is also unhappy because we basically have no sexlife to speak of.
Other incidents that bothers me: 1) I came home from work devestated cause of a miscarriage. After comforting me, i asked him to drive me to the store to get food and candy. I had to shop myself cause he was too tired, while i was in pain and in tears. 2) The day after i had surgery in my dominant arm and hand, i asked him for groceries and dinner. He refused cause he was tired after work. I ended up managing myself with help from his mom. 3) He got annoyed cause i didnt help him carry lots of groceries only hours after i had two wisdom teeth removed. He has apologized many times for these incidences when i brought it up to him later. I want to add that apart from these things, he is a loyal and stable guy who is appreciated by friends and family both sides. My friends knows about our issues and has not told me to leave.
A few days ago I told him that I was on the verge of breaking up with him around the time i found out i was pregnant, and that I just now realize how bad its been, and all about the unfair household chores. This made him panic, and he apologized for being childish, immature and lazy in the past. He said it's time for him to step up, and talked about how hes looking forward to the baby and how he loves me. Hes doing more chores, and shows interest in me and the baby, and wants to do stuff together. He is indeed stepping up well. Hes talking uplifting about the future. Sadly, inside i'm still out of love by him, and also i'm fearing he will go back to old habits. I still cant see him as a romantic partner.
I would have broken up with him as friends if i wasn't pregnant. But I want to do whatever is best for the baby, and idk if that is to leave now, or during the first year. Im feeling guilty towards the baby, and im afraid of the judgement i will get from the community, epecially since he is trying now (even if its temporarily).

Hello everyone,
I've spent roughly a year now planning to set up a small two-module system on my balcony. Looking at different installation options, I have occasionally seen mentions of backplates or spoilers. Basically, these would be construction elements installed behind the modules to reduce the overall wind load experienced by the mount. Usually, this was in the context of some news article or expert interview. The caveat, always, was that these plates would have to be designed specifically for the system and situation. On the face of it, this made sense to me, as aerodynamics can be quirky.
However, recently I saw an installation system for flat roof tops, where the workers bolt together the usual triangular frames connected by horizontal beams. (Seen in youtube clips by the manufacturer) Then they completely close out the back (vertical). The plates are structured; they have what looks like vertical channels at the back, but I think that's for stiffening the structure, rather than anything related to air flow. This is a commercial system and doesn't seem to be "situation specific". It's set up anywhere you like and supposedly reduces the requirements for ballast or anchoring. (I'm not posting the company or links since I don't want to run afoul of the rules)
Has someone come up with calculations or guidelines for these "load reducers"? I still can't find any sources saying that this approach can be universally applied, let alone how or how much reduction one might expect. Of course It would fantastic, if I could just bolt some sheet metal to my frames and halve the ballast, but I'd want to be very sure this works, first.
I've tried to calculate the wind load according to the national standard (DIN EN 1991-1-4:2010-12 for me). However, this standard doesn't seem to allow for load reductions. In fact, it expressly forbids accounting for "reductive" wind pressures. I'm not sure whether this is because the calculation would not work correctly, or just to err on the side of caution and prevent users from underestimating overall wind loads. It might also be a simple misunderstanding on my part, but the "disregard effects reducing the force" bit seemed unambigious.
So, long story short, I'd like to know if and how these systems work, and whether I could improvise something similar on my tiny two-module setup without having to get a degree in aeronautical engineering first. :)
Thanks in advance!
P.S.: If you can read this I survived rule 3. Yay! If you can't: sorry, (auto)mods. :I

WARNING: This story could be triggering to those who are sensitive to the topics of death, addiction, and mental illness.
If you had to boil it down to one sentence, she broke up with me because she couldn't be in a relationship anymore. If that's all you wanted to know, you can stop reading now. But understanding why, and why I've come to accept it, isn't so straightforward. 6 years makes for a long story of love and loss, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started typing this. Originally somebody just asked me why we had broken up, and this was meant to be my response to their message. Several hours later, I'm left with a story that I now realize may be able to help those going through a similar experience.
So, we met in high school (2013-ish) and kinda partied together, got to know each other a bit, and actually took each other's virginity at 17, and that felt really special, but for reasons I can't take the time to go into, we never started dating or anything official. We then both went out of state for college, but eventually reconnected in 2018 after we had both moved back to Boise. Things took off pretty quickly.
We grew into adulthood together and fell very much in love. Like, we both genuinely thought we'd be together forever, fully intended to get married and have kids. We got a puppy together. We both have bipolar disorder and helped each other find our way through some very dark stuff. Without her, I wouldn't have gotten sober or made most of the early changes I needed to make in order to not end up going off the deep end. I would not be here today without her, I owe her my life no doubt. Through that we formed the most pure, unconditionally loving connection that I have ever experienced, having seen and accepted each other at our lowest of lows .. fully ourselves with each other. We had such big happy dreams for the future, spent so much time talking about getting married and the life we'd have together. We were pretty much everything to each other.
That was the good. Now on to the not so good... our relationship was pretty codependent and we both had terrible boundaries. It got better over the course, but was never great. We both had trauma in our childhood and college years that caused some attachment issues. Mine were worse than hers.. and you'll see that I'm the one who makes most of the mistakes in this story :/ I had bigger obstacles to overcome. And my attachment issues were hard to fix while I was still attached. For me it was like my traumatized 7-year-old inner child was clinging for dear life to the closeness and acceptance he never got as a kid.
We lived together until 2022, then she had a really bad manic episode, like a full psychotic break for weeks. She was in the mental hospital for a couple weeks and it took months until she was herself again. Things were rough leading up to the episode. In fact, stress can even trigger manic episodes.. So I see myself at least partially, if not fully, responsible for it.
Up until her manic episode, while living together, I struggled to keep a job and was not a fair person to share a life with. It got to a point where she had taken on all of the stress and responsibility while I struggled to function at a basic level. She gave so much to supporting me getting sober, but even after I had confidence in my sobriety, I still had other demons that I wasn't addressing. I was consumed by my pain and acted very selfishly.
She was pulling all of the weight. So, when she had her manic episode, everything fell apart. We had no money, our apartment was a complete mess, so many past due bills, using the food bank for groceries. This all eventually led to me thinking it was best to break up. I was starting to realize how much my behavior had hurt her... and at the time I thought it was better for her for us not to be together, and that she just wasn't really mentally in the best place to see that.
I see it very differently now - I think that I was being short-sighted. After hearing her talk about that breakup in retrospect, she explained that she'd felt like I'd abandoned her at her lowest. And, hearing that, I realized that I had. Things got too hard and I lost sight of what she meant to me, and gave in to my impulse to jump ship. I wish I would have fought to make the changes I needed to, within myself, to make things work then. I wasn't being honest with myself about how what I was doing would affect her. She grieved the loss of me then, and began accepting a future without me in it. If there was one thing I could go back and change it's that. I would’ve fought harder to keep our life together. To this moment, that regret still burns hot :(
So, we split at the end of 2022. She moved back in with her parents, I moved in with my mom and started working at Lionbridge. I was actually so grateful to work at Lionbridge because it was the first job I could mentally handle in years. Me and her never lost touch. Over the course of 2023 we both made great progress on ourselves while remaining close. She made more progress than I did though. She got super healthy, went to therapy, got a job she's passionate about, and started going to school full time on top of that, like such a badass. I'm so proud of her for that. Meanwhile, I still made some big steps in being able to work and function as a basic human, but I was kinda stuck dealing with a lot of the same old problems emotionally.
I can admit now that she'd outgrown me, but at the time I was just scared of losing her. I saw her making changes that I wanted to make for myself but didn't know how to. Soooo I decided I wanted to get back together. It didn't come out of nowhere.. we were both having some feelings again and you know the history we had. And in some ways we had never separated; we had never really stopped talking all the time and hadn’t dated other people. But she, with the changes she'd made and how busy she was, still wanted to stay single. She was enjoying being on her own for the first time. And she told me that. But I didn't listen. I wasn't comfortable being on my own like she was. I still needed her to feel safe.
So after a while, she kinda caved. There were a lot of conflicting feelings involved and I think both of our judgments were clouded by that. We ultimately got back together because she thought she'd lose me otherwise. And, outside the reality of where our lives were currently at, we both still genuinely wanted that future we'd dreamed of having together. But I'd wager that any therapist would have looked at the situation and recommended that we do not get back together. In fact, hers did (After that I got scared every time she saw her therapist LOL). Pretty massive red flag that I willingly ignored. That was mid-late January of this year. Then, within a week or two of us getting back together, my dad died.
He struggled with drinking my whole life, but for the last 9 years, his life had kinda hung in the balance. In 2015, they said he'd be dead in three months if he didn't stop drinking. He was controlling and emotionally abusive when I was a kid, and his drinking then caused a lot of problems, trauma I'm still dealing with. But our relationship got a lot better over the last decade. I think a lot of that was because he was humbled by losing everything to his addiction, but also because I knew that I could lose him at any time. I know that at his core, he was simply a scared kid who never got the love he wanted, just like me. The fear of losing him helped bring me to realize that.
So he'd stay sober for weeks or months, but then he'd relapse and binge for days, damaging himself further. Nine years of that.. I can't begin to count the number of phone calls that let me know he was in the ER. Arrested at least a dozen times. Rehab a dozen times. I lived perpetually afraid that he was going to die. I still tense up when I see a family member calling me. It was this mind-fucky loop where it would seem like he was on the brink of death, only for him to come out of it and be ok for a while. He would almost seem happy at times, and there was even one long period of sobriety where I thought he might have beat it. I hoped so freaking hard that he would find peace, but he could just never quite figure it out.
Despite the ever-present possibility and ways I'd tried to mentally prepare myself for it, getting the phone call with the news hit me in a place I didn't even know existed. I'll never be the same. It kinda pulled me out of the clouds and slammed my face into the dirt. It grounded me, but it hurt. The little stuff I'd been spinning over in my head for months evaporated in an instant. I became more present and aware than I'd been in a while because of the immediacy and intensity of the emotions. In addition to the grief, it kind of tore open all of the shit I'd been stuffing down for years. My priorities changed. I realized I'd given up on being happy and began wanting to better myself again.
So, with that context, back to me and her. She'd been along with me through all the shit with him. She helped me through a lot of it and understood how it has affected me. She’d come to know him well, and it was undoubtedly a loss for her too. His death caused us to immediately get super close. We kind of forgot everything that had happened in the weeks before. She flew down to California with me and helped me deal with his things at my Grandma's place. We spent every day together for the next few weeks. It was a familiar place, where she sacrificed her time and responsibilities to help me through something painful. That was part of her old attachment. Even though it was unhealthy, in this case we both agree we're glad we were there for each other through that time.
But then she kind of snapped out of it, realizing that the boundaries we'd had leading up to his death were gone, and she was back in this dynamic she didn’t want to live in anymore. She had her own things to get back to doing. By March she had put a lot of space between us, stayed super busy, and we started spending much less time together. The reasons that we shouldn't have gotten back together in the first place began to resurface, and things kinda spiraled from there. She got super distant and emotionally unavailable because she wasn't ready to admit she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Meanwhile, my attachment grew even stronger having just lost my dad. And with how his death had affected me, I was now seriously trying to make my life better. So, I invested all of my thought and energy into trying to make the relationship work. I knew deep down it was not good for either of us, but never would have admitted that at the time. I lost myself in the relationship these last couple months. Part of me knew the end was coming, but I was in so much denial that I was still making plans for ways to save us up until she came to my place to have the talk, two weeks ago now.
Even though I knew it was coming, and I knew why it was coming, when she told me we had to break up it felt almost exactly the same as when my dad died. Just pulled the rug out from under me. I had been fighting so damn hard to make it work for a year at this point. And during the last couple months I’d started to make positive changes and had a lot of hope. I’d started making music again, started therapy, got my meds right. But that all just added to how abandoned I felt at first, because I felt like she was leaving just as I was about to make things good again. That wasn’t a very realistic expectation, looking back on it.
Here’s why she did. There are other reasons, but these were the big ones. She can't be in a serious relationship right now because she can't balance it in a healthy way yet. She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now because she wants to pursue her passions and explore who she is as a person on her own in the world. And she can see that the relationship is damaging me. She wants the same things for me that she's recently discovered, to know the same freedom from our pain that she's found. Breaking up with me was incredibly hard for her, and I know she feels guilty for leaving me at this time and with what I've been dealing with. But I can't hold it against her. She did it because she loves me and wants what’s best for me.
If there's one thing we've always been good at, it's communicating. We talked and cried together for a good while when she first broke it off, then sat on our thoughts and feelings a little longer and met up two separate times to talk again. I truly believe any couple can walk away from a breakup as friends, but it takes well-defined boundaries, a lot of space, and work by both people to acknowledge their mistakes and accept that they want different things. That's what I think we've been able to do, and I think it's why I'm able to paint such a clear picture of it now. It's helped me a lot with gaining acceptance - the unanswered questions are what tend to keep me hung up. Right now, I’m telling myself to be happy for the both of us, because we're both moving on to better things. Even if it's devastatingly sad that we aren't doing so together, they’re still better things. The sadness and grief are things that I know I can process and heal through. What I never would have healed through is the life-long consequences of sacrificing my potential for another. Knowing that, I am confident that I'll find peace by accepting that our paths are now two separate ones, and gratitude in seeing how the lessons we've taught each other help carry us forward.
We talked today and I don't think it could've gone better. She said she needed more time to get used to not being together, and I actually agreed. I thanked her for breaking up with me. She did what was best for me out of love, because I didn't love myself enough to do it. We'll check in again in two weeks and hope to slowly make our way back to being friends. We are still both convinced that we will never not be a part of each other's lives. I think our bond will last forever, because to each other we'll always be the only people who understand the battles we both fought these last 6 years.
I think I felt the need to tell this story so completely because I never fully shared our relationship beyond the surface level with anyone in the 6 years we were together. Partially because we stayed so close to each other, but also because I think I knew people would see that it was dysfunctional. I'm not afraid of people seeing that anymore, and it feels really cathartic to put it all in one place, as one story. I'm even more sure now, having just written this, that my life is going in the direction it is supposed to. Thank you for reading <3

My ex and I were never married and share 2 children in KY. We split up a couple of weeks after our second child was born. That was 3 1/2 years ago. Since then he has never paid child support, I never requested it. During this time he's contributed less than $500 toward the childrens needs, usually at my request. I always wanted him to maintain a relationship with the children. I kept very thorough records of visits and all but a few were supervised by his family, my family, or me. During this time he's had 49 visit opportunities, some at his request and some I asked him if he wanted to visit or invited him to events, etc. Of those opportunities, he's missed 18 due to canceling (always at the last minute), being extremely late, or just not showing altogether. He would sometimes go a month or more without asking for a visit. Some visits he would ask for and then cancel the next day due to wanting to do something with a friend or some other excuse. During this time he has also not been active in their daily care, hasn't been active in medical situations, nor has he been active in schooling (one child has been in preschool for 2 years).
I am married now and have other children. A couple of years ago I mentioned child support because he was bragging to me about a vacation and moving to a new place and he threatened to take me for 50/50 custody if I did, so I didn't do anything. Recently, I decided to go through with child support and less than a month after child support was set he filed for joint custody.
In the 3 1/2 years since we've been split up he's acquired a DUI and multiple marijuana possession charges at various times and is currently on unsupervised probation for one of those possession charges, as well as failing a court ordered hair follicle test for marijuana, which I passed. I've never had so much as a speeding ticket. I've got other evidence like a notarized affidavit where he gave me sole physical and legal custody, images and texts showing abuse and anger issues, proof that he's not an honest person (asking people to falsify documents). He's saying his lawyer told him none of that will matter and that he's going to get 50/50. I've tried to work with him on a visitation schedule essentially giving him everything he wants in a step-up plan to keep it out of court, but he always wants something else, there's literally no compromise on his end, it's what he wants or we're going to court. He's even asking now to be able to rotate years for claiming the kids on taxes, which I think, along with the timing of filing for custody and the previous threat of it, proves it's all about money. At the time of the child support order and the time of filing custody he claims he's unemployed.
I am not against him having visitation but I would like to maintain sole custody. That's the one thing I don't want to budge on. What do you think my chances are given the evidence I have? Do you think the judge will see that timing of the filing and other information as trying to get out of financial support, and if so how would that affect the decision?

I'm reaching out to those already in law school or planning to attend - did you have a clear vision of the type of lawyer you wanted to become before starting your legal education?
I must admit, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the myriad of options available within the legal field. A mentor who works at law school advised me not to stress about choosing a specific legal specialization before entering law school. They recommended focusing on getting accepted first.
What are your thoughts on this? Is it advisable to research different legal specializations now, or should I concentrate on securing admission to law school first? How can I best explore and understand the various legal career paths available to make an informed decision?
I'd love to hear your insights, experiences, and any advice you may have on navigating this decision-making process. Your guidance would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you in advance for your input and support!

EDIT: in my title i meant to write "rookie idols". i apologise for the late edit.
i'll start with a disclaimer. i don't really go out of my bubble and approach new topics such as this, but i feel as if it's important to, now. this might be "controversial" to some but please read with an open mind, as i'm trying to find authentic and unbiased opinions to my question.
only recently did i really get into "kpop", yeonjun from txt being the reason, but well, jungkook is everywhere - it's hard to avoid someone who's name is everywhere for.... constantly-consistently-nonstop hitting different records. i was very surprised by the majority of his records and how big of a gap there was between him and other kpop soloists. and most of kpop.
i did a little digging and saw the scale of his skills from his performances on stage to his pretty insane artistry (drawing), and the myriad of others — the ability to play various different instruments, having perfect pitch, athletic abilities, the list grows the more i look. of course i was surprised when he said he watched vocal coaches/singing techniques on youtube since bighit apparently had failed to help in that regard.
there are multiple videos of him singing live while running or jumping around and being perfectly stable — his encore has 10m+ views with most of the korean comments saying good things. there's a lack of controversies surrounding him. he sounds very good in his songs. he has a nice face/frame. he is listed as a producewriter for his own songs "my you" and "still with you" (which are very good), he does whatever he wants to his body and doesn't allow fans to control him, he has publicly condemned stalkers and sasaengs on video, he has insane inactivity periods where he doesn't come online at all because... he chooses not to, despite being given brand deals he refuses to become an ambassador for multiple brands and cites the reason being "disinterest" and a "lack of connection" to them...
shouldn't this be the standard attitude for an idol?

I'm a month out from surgery, and I am dealing with post-op regrets. It all amounts to me wondering if I should have considered keeping the gyno. I'm not here to rain on anybody's parade. I'm not here to argue against the surgery in general. But what I am here to do is to highlight some things I wish I understood before doing the surgery.
There are so many pro-surgery posts on this subreddit. I think we can bear to have a few more that pump the breaks on the process and look at it more cautiously. It's okay to have the surgery, but I was too gung-ho -- this lead to me having gaps in my planning, and I failed to mentally prepare myself for certain challenges.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have gotten the surgery. At the very least, I should've waited more. In retrospect, the psychological, financial, and recovery costs outweighed the aesthetic benefits. Other guys describe the surgery improving their lives immediately. That wasn't my experience. I saw my new masculine chest at the follow-up appointment, and to my surprise, I did not care that much even though I spent a year planning in earnest for the surgery. I wanted the surgery, but now that I'm living with the result, I can say that I made a mistake.
Those reading this may think I am a wimp and stupid, but lol, go right ahead. I just want to add my experience to help those on the fence about the surgery. Even if they still get the surgery, they can mentally prepare themselves better than I did.
1) How much do you really "hate" your gyno? Understanding this puts the challenges of surgery into high relief: A lot of posts on this subreddit are dudes asking if surgery is worth it. The typical answer they get is, "It's worth it if it's worth it to you." But that, imo, doesn't clarify anything. Even before surgery, I did not see eye to eye with guys who talked about their gyno in terms of hate. They really, really, really HATED the gyno. For me, I coexisted with it. Yes, I had anxiety about it; yes, I was once bullied in school about it; and yes, it affected my confidence in my dating life. But my discomfort was always brief and situational, if recurrent. Though I had anxiety about my gyno, that was a normal, incidental insecurity. Real anxiety, however, set in after the surgery. I've been constantly worrying about my results, deeply depressed over spending a chunk of my savings, and worried about my longterm health. That's real anxiety -- all encompassing, hurting my ability to sleep and work. It's the most depressed that I've been in my adult life. Gyno never ruined my life like this. The surgery did. (Fyi, I'm seeing a therapist right now, so no worries.) A lot of you can do recovery standing on your heads because you truly hate your gyno. Gyno gave you real anxiety. But I had a lot more difficulty with the surgery because I had a lot more reservations about the process, and because I failed to understand my own "anxiety" about gyno. Accordingly, recovery is way more difficult for me.
2) Consider the possibility of living with your gyno: I wish I considered this in earnest before my surgery. Now I'm learning about guys who've reported success in dating despite their gyno, and am learning that many, though not all, significant others don't care about the gyno (https://www.reddit.com/gynecomastia/comments/11s87ml/how\_unattractive\_is\_gynecomastia\_to\_women/, https://www.reddit.com/gynecomastia/comments/svvpbw/people\_with\_gyno\_do\_you\_have\_girlfriends\_and\_how/). Many guys get the surgery because the gyno was mentally crippling, but though my gyno gave me some anxiety, I believe that, with enough time, I might have found peace with it. I'm sorry that I did not consider this sooner. I'm sorry I did not have the courage to even think of trying.
3) If you pursue surgery, take your surgery fears seriously: I didn't consider surgery for years in part because of money, but also because the idea of surgery was so risky to me. I do not like the idea of giving that much trust to a stranger over my body. In time, however, I convinced myself to man-up. But those reservations leapt back up after my surgery. Fears of nerve damage, scarring, cratering, etc. I am often terrified.
4) Post-op numbness and sensitivity is frightening: I've seen Reddit dudes be flippant about about the post-op numbness, and I mentally downplayed nerve disruption before getting my gland excision and lipo. Now that I am a month into recovery, however, I can say that plastic surgery was a mistake for me. The numbness is absolutely frightening, can last months, and outweighs whatever "anxiety" I ever got from the gyno. With the benefit of hindsight, that alone is reason to avoid the surgery. Nevermind the sexual element of nipple sensation. Nerves are how we experience the world. Killing the nerves, if briefly, kills your ability to live on a base level. What was I thinking? The funny thing is, I was already worried about it, but decided that traditional gyno surgery was better than skin excision. This brings me to the next point...
5) Doing the surgery was EXTREMELY stupid for me: I decline to release pictures of myself because of privacy reasons, but I was a semi-substantial case. I did most of my consultations when I was obese, and two surgeons told me that my skin would NOT retract in part because of my age: I am in my mid-30s. Those two doctors heavily recommended skin excision surgery. The other surgeons I spoke to, including the one I hired, were not 100 percent confident that I would retract. Cut to the present day. My skin retraction is pretty darn good. I have some issues with my results, but I'm still relatively early on in my recovery, so I'll hold my peace about that for now. So why do I already regret surgery? Because I took a dumb risk. The worst possible result would have been to get surgery and deal with sagging skin. For all I know, my skin might to start sag after I remove my vest! This defeats the purpose of surgery! It's not worth the risk! Stupid, stupid, stupid! So why would I insist on getting the surgery? Because I'm bullheaded and because of FOMO!
6) FOMO -- fear of missing out -- is not a reason to rush the process: I don't want to understate my pre-op anxiety about the gyno. It was certainly there, if low-level, and it was recurrent enough that learning about skin laxity last year got in my head. I set an arbitrary deadline for this year to lose weight and get surgery. But that's a terrible approach if you still have reservations about surgery. Surgery is irrevocable. You cannot force the matter. If you fuck up, you fuck up forever. You have to be 100 percent gung-ho about it, and it was a mistake for me to do it when I still had reservations. Looking back, one of my biggest strengths as a person is that when I set a goal for myself, I stick to it. One of my biggest weaknesses as a person, however, is that when I set a goal for myself, I stick to it. I was inflexible about the gyno surgery even though I had serious concerns.
7) My research had blindspots: Like I said, I've been planning this surgery about a year, but looking back, I glossed over certain important things. For example...
8) Respect the months-long recovery process: Recovery comes in two phases. The first involves religiously wearing a recovery vest, sleeping on your back, and avoiding heavy weights. Many doctors recommend up to six weeks for this phase. Few people talk as much about the second phase, however. The second phase involves months of swelling, numbness, internal scar tissue, etc. You need to respect and understand this second phase before surgery. I personally glossed over it during my research. Accordingly, recovery became a lot more difficult and anxiety-ridden for me because I wasn't mentally prepared.
9) Bring pictures to consultations: When speaking to a surgeon, have printed before-and-after pictures of your desired results, and bring pictures of results you want to avoid. These should probably be pictures that resemble your gyno case. I never did that, but looking back, I think I could have communicated my concerns better. Do not have a "Jesus, take the wheel" approach with your surgeon, even if they're considered good at their job. Their personal aesthetics may not match your personal aesthetics. Guide them.
10) Research lipo!: I took lipo for granted because I was overweight, but I should've researched it anyway. If I did, I would have learned it results in nerve damage. Also, like another reddit user (whose post I cannot immediately find), I'm worried about the potential that my chest is now too flat for my body. Right now, that's just insecurities on my part. In any case, arrive at your consultations ready to discuss lipo in detail. Work together with your doctor in determining the correct amount of fat to take out. Would you even benefit from lipo?
11) Ask your surgeon about their revision policy, and accept the chance that you may need a revision: The stupidest thing I did during my consultations was that I never, ever asked my doctors about their revision policy. Will it cost the patient money? I naively came into the process ready to do only one procedure. But this subreddit is littered with posts from guys who are unhappy with their results, even from popular surgeons. Ask yourself if you're willing and able to do multiple procedures in the event that your first surgery didn't do as hoped. Are two surgeries -- and the related recovery periods -- worth it for you?
12) Once you get the doctor's cost estimate, wait at least a week before you agree to do surgery: Even if you and your surgeon are love at first sight, wait a while. Be cautious. It's just good life advice when making a huge purchase like this. Take that time to ask them any other follow up questions that come to mind.
13) And before you pay, think HARD about the cost: I did not really hurt myself by paying for surgery, but man, I would still love to have that money in my bank account.
Maybe I'll change my mind about surgery several months from now, but right now, I don't mind sharing these thoughts on it.
Tl;dr: I regret surgery because I did not understand my own mind before getting it. Living with gyno is a viable alternative if you're mentally up for it; read up on people who are happy with their gyno. And if you pursue surgery anyway, plan carefully and cautiously.

Hey Reddit Law School Community,
I'm reaching out to those already in law school or planning to attend - did you have a clear vision of the type of lawyer you wanted to become before starting your legal education?
I must admit, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the myriad of options available within the legal field. A mentor who works at law school advised me not to stress about choosing a specific legal specialization before entering law school. They recommended focusing on getting accepted first.
What are your thoughts on this? Is it advisable to research different legal specializations now, or should I concentrate on securing admission to law school first? How can I best explore and understand the various legal career paths available to make an informed decision?
I'd love to hear your insights, experiences, and any advice you may have on navigating this decision-making process. Your guidance would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you in advance for your input and support!

TW: This is about self doubt, anxiety and self hate.
i want to share another story of family and people who were supposed to be my safe space hating me and breaking me, hoping that they might be other people with similar experiences so that they dont feel alone.
Hey i am a medical student in germany, and only now i am realizing how massive my problems are. I am 21yo moved out 6 months ago and started therapy just recently. I lived my life accepting being in a constant state of awareness, rush and stress in every decision and thought i make, but particurlarly in social situations. i wake up anxious, i question every decision i make. i fear judgement and i judge and think about my actions all the time. I am trying to be better all the time and life was so hard. on the other side life is so beautiful and i dont want to live my life in this state.
During childhood, my family demanded obedience. Everything must be followed and everything else so as i was a child and never developed my self worth and confidence, i constantly was under obedience i had to listen and to follow. and never really developed my own thoughts. never really developed my own values. and my family hated each other. there was only judging and controlling each other and hating. i never felt secure and i still dont feel secure with my parents. i never had a safe space to express my negative feelings. they were always neglected and pushed away.
so when i was with another person, he told me manipulative things and i had to follow them, because i accepted and still accept every thought other people give me. he was at first a school friend i spent much time with, i trusted him we were best friends. i listened to him an trusted him. but suddenly he told me that other peobple hated me he told me that i am stupid and useless. he broke me. he knew that i would accept everything from others and continued planting this doubts and hate into me. that went over many years. everytime i was around him he planted these thoughts inside of me after evry interaction ih ad he said to me that the other person hated me. i adapted these kind of thinking patterns and until now i still think them and they are breaking me. i wake up anxious and think about every interaction i have with other people. judging every action and every thought i have. its exhausting and its hurtful. i cant enjoy being around people because i think i have to be funny or have to perform. its stress and its not being there.
only recently i discovored that this is not the state other people find themselves in, yes people think what they do and social interactions are alway somewhat scary. but i suffer so much and other people seem to be much more free than i am. only recently i discovered that some people actually have a safe space at home and are able to express their doubts and negative feelings etc. i never had that and i still interact the way i interact with my parents:

1. i always think that people expect something from me
   
2. i always think that people hate me
   

and thats all because that was demanded in childhood and with this former friend and manipulator
I know there is much potential in me. i know i am creative, sensible, have great capacity to think through situations. I want to change the world to be a better place as a physician. I am also working in a elementary school looking after kids and trying to give them every positive thing i can give them.
i want to feel better i want to connect with other people and there is so much pain and doubt and missed meaningful things in my life all because they are negative thinking patterns that were planted inside of me. and i am afraid to talk about it because its so absurd. its so absurd that i hate myself and that i have so much pain that i inflict to myself. this is illness. i am dissociating from conversations to judge and think about things that i said a minute ago. i am not free and i think and think and i hate conversations. i hate being around people because i feel obliged to serve them all the time.
I live in a privileged part of the world and i have everything. i have a home, i can buy quality food, have every entertainment i want, i have peace and freedom, objectively. and i hate that i am still not well. there are people with real objective problems like war and poverty, and i live here in peace, hating myself because someone broke me.
I think this is cPTSD, and my therapist is talking with me about it. We are talking about medication as well, and I am getting better at opening myself. about changing the ways i think. but still, life is very hard everyday. i try to tell myself that i am fine as well, and i pretend that i am fine and happy. but it slowly doenst work anymore.
i hope someone can relate and i can alleviate the fear of being alone with this sort of problem.

The problem is 3 fold. 1st - No Child Left Behind stops any child from being held back despite grades. So in my school, we have 75% of students not at grade level reading or writing and of that 75% - 50% are 4+ grade levels behind/under. Which is also matched by my schools dumb idea to implement a 50% minimum grade whether the kid does the work or doesnt. Or the ability to turn in any late work whenever they want. So we lose the ability to hold kids accountable and teach them these vital time management skills etc.
Next is parents. Parents are one of the biggest factors when it comes to issues in the classroom. It use to be about 80% of kids were great kids and 20 % were struggling or a nuisance to the classroom. Now its like 75% nuisance, 25% so we can see there has been a complete shift in the opposite way. This is directly correlated to parents and discipline. How? Well if I had to lets say call 10 students parents on one day. Maybe if I am lucky 3 would pick up or respond to an email. Then of those 3, 1 would be responsible enough to then discipline. Another issue is that parents dont care about their kids work/grades themselves. My school has online grading, I still get parents emailing me the last week wondering how their kid can get their grade up and why its so low. Or conferences is another great example. I had 6 parents show up to conferences, all 6 were kids with all A's.
Finally you have kids level of care being the last issue. I crap you not, most of my kids (90%+) see no value in education. This is a trickle down from parents not showing support. But they also are so connected to phones and see so much more now that they realize a bleak reality that you work your ass off in school to then go into debt in college to then work a 9-5, to then not even get a house or other things that they would eventually want. I had one student say, my education doesnt matter because I will just work at fast food and barely make it scraping by just like my parents. Their lack of interests to learn is so frustrating. They dont care unless it directly impacts them and impacts them now. Which also brings up why cheating is so much more apparent and rampant. AI and Google and such gives you the answer immediately. Theirs no connection to actually learning when you get the payoff immediately through those and they see the short cuts as the best use of their time.
I teach my butt off, but really only 5 kids maybe care. To that extent, I can lead the horses to the water, but I cannot make them drink. I do my best by making it relatable as much as possible, but even then theres small payoff.

Hello,
A little backstory, I am a 24M, I live in Kosovo (Kosovo is a 3rd World Country in Balkan), I've been working in the tech field for almost 7 years now (make much more than the average salary in my country). I am an Agnostic.
Since the end of February I have been experiencing excessive anxiety, I have always been a kind of depressed and pessimist person, but these past times have been very rough for me.
At the beginning for the first few weeks, I used to get a lot of Anxiety and Panic attacks, but thankfully I haven't experienced any in the past two months (or if I did get any, I can't tell since I've learned to manage the symptoms and not let it affect me).
After a bit of reading and researching on my own feelings, thoughts and symptoms, I came across the DPDR term, and I think its the best way to describe what I am now.
Before I came to the conclusion that I am suffering from DPDR, I did plenty of checkups and health checks to remove the possibility that I have some physical conditions, turns out that my body if functioning perfectly fine.
After this I've tried to read different things, similar personal experiences of other people, watching some youtube videos and I started feeling better and felt like the past month didn't really happen to me.
But I don't know how I manage to get to the same place over again, I get better for a week, I feel like trash again, feel good, feel trash so and so like a loop.
I have been seeing a therapist for a month and a half now. I have discussed these with her, and I know that setbacks are part of the recovery process.
Note: I haven't taken any drugs prior to this (last time I smoked weed was 2 years ago) and I am not on any anxiety or depression medications.
What has been eating me inside is:
How can I know that this world, and everything the existence, reality isn't made up in my mind?
How can I know that I am not living in a simulation?
How can the universe exist, how can there be something out of nothing, how can we exist?
How can there be simply nothing? (conflicting thought with the one before this, I know)
What is the meaning of life, if our existence is so absurd, why bother suffering?
I know that even if I get some of the answers on these (I know it's impossible to answer them), would it make any difference on my life?.
Sorry for the mess, any help is appreciated.

Let me begin by saying that my family and I began as incredibly poor immigrants when we moved to this country 20+ years ago. I was on welfare - I was one of the poorest kids in my elementary school.
I can still remember how I couldn't afford to buy lunches at school, and my mom always packed my lunch, and I ate it in the bathroom all alone in shame. I couldn't afford haircuts, and everyone made fun of me cause my dad cut my bangs super short. Everyone else had new sneakers, markers, and even cellphones. I had hand-me-downs and thrift-store clothes, and crayons from the dollar store.
We penny pinched and saved up. I grew up living in rented basements my whole life. Never lived in a house until just five years ago. My family sacrificed their whole lives to get to where we are today.
It was only in the last five years that finally our hard work paid off. We made a few good investments, my family now makes well over six figures, I married a kind and loving partner who also has a good job, comes from a good family, and is well above middle class.
We bought a nice house in a good neighborhood, and we have a nice car, and can now finally afford some better clothes.
However, the downside is that most of my friends I made growing up didn't get so lucky. I would say they're still middle/lower-middle income, and they are unable to purchase a house in this economy, and they're working their butts off to move up the social ladder.
I think I was lucky in many cases. My parents were (mostly) healthy, they were educated, they work really hard, and they just needed to learn English to be successful. My friends' parents - not so much. Most of them worked in factories, or are single parents, or just don't want to work. In many cases, my friends have to support their parents, and pay them rent or pay them an allowance.
I feel like when we first met, we were on equal ground when it came to finances. However, now that I'm in a comfortable position, I feel like my friends envy my lifestyle. They'll say things like "Oh, we're not as rich as you to do XYZ", or "our house isn't as nice as yours, but it's fine.", or when I invite people over, I feel a sense of criticism in their voice when they say "nice to see that you made it".
I feel incredibly isolated and lonely and I can't seem to share my life with any of my friends. I'm not wealthy by any means, but in terms of social class, feel like I'm now above my lifelong friends and I can't get over the guilt that I feel sometimes.
I also find it hard to find new friends or relate to people who are on the same social status as me. Not many people understand the struggles of being an immigrant, and the sacrifice we had to go through to get to where we are today.
Never thought that moving up in social classes would feel so isolating.
Anyone else can relate?

let me explain. i, f15, have a deformed face, my nose is crooked, one of my eyes are huge, droopy, with less lashes, i have one eyebrow higher than the other, fat cheeks, a high nose bridge with a bump and uplifted tip, i have some kind of skin problem, my face is very bumpy and red, i have a lot of dents in my skull, my lips are small, have terrible shape (its like a cupid circle shape), i have crooked teeth, no hips, the only mid quality thing to me is my curly hair and my waist… i had recently found out my father is a cokehead and my mother drunk during most of her pregnancy (most likely contributing to my deformation). growing up they shoved the “you’re so cute and so pretty” shit on me so hard, i knew since i was little i was ugly, as i’ve only ever had about 4 boyfriends til now, and most i assume were dares. aside from that, my sister is a perfect model-level pretty, symmetrical girl, she’s had thousands of friends and boyfriends and all of that, now i’ve had sex but that doesn’t prove anything (it was forced i’m not a whore), i’ve had friends and all of that and i’ve never been directly bullied for my face, when i was young i was physically and verbally bullied for being short and underweight, so my sister it just so happens my mom had a sex with an attractive man and knew she was pregnant and didn’t drink with my sister. my mom told me she stopped drinking when she realized she was pregnant with me but that sounds like a load of bullshit if you compare my sisters face to mine. our genetics are not bad at all i was quite literally the mistake of 2 tweakers. my mom didn’t even drink alcohol at that time, she started around my pregnancy, i swear sometimes i think she was tryna kill me. anyway, she gives birth to me right… and realizes im a gross ugly scrawny mistake, why does she keep me?? why would you not just throw me off a river? with a face like mine she knew that’s what she should’ve done, i’ve developed horrible anxiety and social anxiety because of my face, and as said, people call me pretty online and i’ve never been called ugly but i can see it. and i don’t understand why nobody says anything to me and why people around me lie so hard to make me think im pretty like i don’t have eyes and can’t see my monstrous face. my mom gets mad at my social anxiety and this is where i hate her, i know she knows im horrifying looking yet she’d yell at me for begging not to go to school? im trying to do the world a favor by hiding my nasty face why would she get mad and lie to me instead? why does my boyfriend lie to me? why do my friends lie, and everyone i meet online. i hope i don’t sound like an attention seeker im just so confused, when i flip my camera or look in a mirror, im actually just butt fuck ugly, just literally straight ugly with nothing special, i don’t get why i don’t get bullied for it . i don’t get any positive male attention either, i get stared at and have had a few boyfriends, like said, a lot of girls won’t be my friend and i always get nasty looks from them like why wouldn’t i want to homeschool, i hate my face so much i can’t wait for the day my attempt kills me, please don’t reproduce and force an obviously ugly child to live, it’s miserable for us. i don’t know how to live normally without spiting her for giving birth to me?