My dad died and now I feel disconnected from everyone, especially my significant other.
TLDR; My dad died November 2023 after an awful/traumatizing 11 months watching him suffer with an aggressive cancer. He was only 70. I’m 25 years old. After 5 months, i’m still struggling so much. I feel so disconnected from everyone and feel incapable of feeling love or positive emotion especially toward my significant other. Looking to hear from anyone who’s gone through something similar and come out on the other side.
My dad and I were so close. I spoke to him multiple times per day and he knew every single thing that would happen in my life. I have such a hole in my life since his absence. Being 25, I feel too young to lose my dad - even though I know many people lose their parents even younger :( I feel like I just reached the age at which I could truly appreciate my dad as a friend, rather than just a parent, and now he’s gone. There are so many events I want him to be at in my life such as my wedding, meeting my future children, seeing me work as a physician (i just graduated med school, his absence at match day and graduation the past few months was unbearable). I struggle with the fact that he won’t be here for the rest of the milestones in my life. I feel envious of the people around me who have both their parents in good health and seem to take it for granted or not recognize how much of a privilege that is.
My main concern and reason for writing this post is because of a deep disconnected feeling I have with everyone in my life. My partner (26 yo M) and I have struggled so much since my dad died. We moved in together 5 months before my dad died (horrible timing). Our problems seem to stem from an inability of my partner to understand where I am at, since he has never experienced loss or heartbreak. He often struggles to know what to say and despite trying to be supportive, often says invalidating comments or other things that set me off. I feel much more irritable than ever before and lack patience when this happens. Even though I used to be a very patient person - this leads to self confidence issues now as well since my partner will say things like “I don’t recognize you anymore” when we argue. I have suggested he read this thread to get advice from people who have gone through this, and he did do that and has improved slightly from that. I have to give him credit because he continues to try to improve. My biggest worry is that even when things are going well, I still just feel empty around him. I feel no connection to him (or anyone in my life expect my mom) like I used to. I feel hollow and just like I am going through the motions, incapable of feeling love. It even feels hard to say words of endearment like “i miss you” which I often used to do. I have no desire for intimacy - not even hugging or snuggling. I just want to be alone constantly and feel bothered by everything, even things that I used to enjoy. He is understanding but now that it has been 5 months I feel like he’s ready for me to be “back to normal” and I am not.
I should add that before all of this, my feelings about my boyfriend were very different and I was pretty set on spending the rest of my life with him. He even asked for my dads blessing to marry me in the hospital before he died. Now I continuously fear whether our problems are due to my own mental health or a problem in our relationship. I feel like I have been forced to mature in ways that he has not, after going through so much. This leads to me feeling frustrated or disinterested when he talks about such trivial matters which comprise his daily life. The result is that I feel disconnected and incapable of love, then constantly worry about why this is happening.
I am seeing a therapist who specializes in grief and have been for over 1.5 years, since I started going when I anticipated the loss of my dad was imminent. I know that I have generalized anxiety disorder and probably have a little bit of PTSD according to my therapist from seeing my dad suffer so much during his illness. I just have never felt this disconnected empty feeling and I constantly question if the problem is my relationship or if it is my life situation.
Has anyone been through something similar with a significant other and come out on the other side? I am scared that my relationship is broken. Please help.

This is just me venting so bear with me here.
I have a few work conferences coming up and I'm very nervous/unhappy with the idea of spending a couple nights away from my baby. He'll be 10 months old, and he's still exclusively breastfed (I pump while at work and he nurses 5 pm to 5 am). I'm also a first time mom and the type of mom that loves to be around her baby. I get that some moms like the time away every now and then, but I genuinely prefer spending time with him over anything else (working or being alone or being with other adults). FWIW I have nights out and I see friends, and I go in to work and whatnot, but if I had a choice, I wouldn't spend this much time away from him (working full time, traveling for conferences).
With the upcoming conferences I have been telling people how I'm nervous, not very excited about being away etc. and I have a child free friend and a family member that keep telling me it's "good for his attachment" for me not to be "always around" so I don't become a "helicopter mom". Wtf? First of all, I'm pretty damn sure it is not "good for his attachment". Second of all, while maybe they think they're being supportive, I think they are just projecting their own feelings on the matter, complelety ignoring what I'm saying, and it's just annoying.
Mind you, the family members sends her kid off for 3 months to spend time with their grandparents and she has all summer "child free". She was like oh I'd love that break if I were you! I'm like sure okay but I already told you I don't want that "break", plus what kind of a break is it when I have to managing pumping and storing milk (tbh I'm probably dumping it instead of stressing about freezing and transport) etc. Not to mention that my baby still wakes up 5-8 times at night to comfort nurse and this is going to be the first time we're separated. I feel like very very few people understand my situation (basically just two new mom friends that I have) and everyone else either wasn't a working mom, didn't breastfeed, or just doesn't at all feel like I do regarding their babies/young kids.
Anyway, rant over. I just wanted to vent without being mean to my friends/family lol.

I’ve always preferred physical books, flipping pages of paper and narrating their printed words in my head. I’d sit in coffee shops and parks for hours just staring at ink on paper and enjoying it more than anything else in the world.
Last year I fell into a deeply depressive state and my devotion to the hobby has suffered, immensely. I’d have bursts of energy or motivation where I’d wolf down as many chapters as possible but most of my days were just lie in bed > go to work > lie in bed > work > bed > work etc. I’ve always refused to buy books so I obviously never had time to finish the ones I’d borrow from the library. Eventually I stopped reading altogether.
Recently, things got better. I got on new meds, have started lightly exercising, socializing. But then I’ll sit down and crack open a book and it just… won’t turn on. My eyes ping-pong to different places on pages, I lose focus while reading and overall can’t process sentences. It’s like my brain is in shock; it picks up and comprehends the information, it just doesn’t know what to do next. I’m terrified that I’ve lost the ability to enjoy reading forever, which has turned me onto audiobooks. It’s easier to focus on spoken words and it takes less energy and effort on days that I’m feeling particularly tired.
But now I feel guilty, as though the books haven’t been read by me, as though I haven’t earned the right to claim that they have. Someone else did the hard work in a studio for 12 hours and I’m just being lazy. I know that’s nonsense talk, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d get so much more out of reading a book physically. Kinda like fast- and slow-acting carbs.
I’m kinda ranting but I also want to know, is there anyone else here that used to enjoy books in their physical format and then stopped, for whatever reason? Did you ever go back? How?

LAPTOP QUESTIONNAIRE

• Total budget (in local currency) and country of purchase. Please do not use USD unless purchasing in the US:
  Around $300-$400 US
  
• Are you open to refurbs/used?
  I prefer a new laptop but am open to refurbished.
  
• How would you prioritize form factor (ultrabook, 2-in-1, etc.), build quality, performance, and battery life?
  I would like it to be decent quality and not lag (something kinda fast would be a huge plus), battery life is somewhat important but I don’t necessarily need it to last all day.
  
• How important is weight and thinness to you?
  I would prefer it to be portable and somewhat lightweight, nothing bulky or clunky.
  
• Do you have a preferred screen size? If indifferent, put N/A.
  I prefer something between 13-15 inches, closer to 13 or 14 though.
  
• Are you doing any CAD/video editing/photo editing/gaming? List which programs/games you desire to run.
  I will mostly use it for crafting, Cricut design space and Silhouette are the programs I use the most. I also play the Sims but that’s the only gaming I would do.
  
• If you're gaming, do you have certain games you want to play? At what settings and FPS do you want?
  I really only play the Sims from time to time so I don’t need much of a gaming laptop.
  
• Any specific requirements such as good keyboard, reliable build quality, touch-screen, finger-print reader, optical drive or good input devices (keyboard/touchpad)?
  I’d like something that doesn’t feel cheap and will last at least a few years, so good quality build would be nice. Bells and whistles are nice but not necessary. I’d like something that is fairly fast and doesn’t lag or take forever to load everything.
  
• Leave any finishing thoughts here that you may feel are necessary and beneficial to the discussion.
  I will mostly be using this laptop for crafting, studying, browsing, and maybe some gaming. I’d like something portable that I can put in my bag so nothing too bulky. I can’t go up too much in my budget but might not necessarily be using this laptop every day so hopefully a few hundred will get me something reliable, portable, and fast. I know my budget is limiting and I have realistic expectations lol. Thanks in advance for your help/suggestions!
  

Negotiating Severance NY State
My employer has recently restructured my team and I now have a new boss. I am concerned that I might also be let go and have taken steps to protect myself.
Without giving too much information, I work for a firm that supports the restructuring of companies who have declared bankruptcy. During the corporate reorganization process, the firm must work through a judge to resolve the companies debts. In order to be granted a position as a financial advisor, the firm must declare all conflicts of interest. My firm has a lackadaisical compliance team and this task has fallen in my lap a couple of times. I have shared that I do not feel comfortable performing these conflict checks due to the absence of proper customer databases, nonetheless my firm has declared conflicts in an inaccurate way to a US court. There is a large financial penalty for performing inaccurate conflict checks in these types of cases which is why I was historically concerned and always raised this concern to my manager.
Now that I feel my role is in jeopardy, I’ve realized that this information might pose a problem for my company should it become known. If I’m laid off and there is a severance discussion, how do I go about playing this hand without coming off as blackmailing the company. I have email documentation and voice recordings corroborating my claim of inaccurate conflict checks for reference.
Thank you for any advice in advance. I appreciate any suggestions on terms of severance (duration, benefits, etc.)

***Lily*** “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run off when I did. I should’ve known you would have my best interests at heart,” I whisper.
“I… I don’t have a heart…” He chuckles meekly.
I chuckle too and respond, “Still, you’re as generous as you are funny. Strong as you are quick. And clever as you are funny. As annoying as it can be sometimes.”
I laugh again. After a moment, I can feel the awkwardness lift as he chuckled then started to move his arms. Suddenly he hugs me back, tightly. Something wet ran down my cheek and I hear him murmur something and ask, “Did you say something?”
“What? No.” He says. He then pushes me back as he says, “Oh crap! We forgot to get you leather armor!”
“Now, now dearie. Believe it or not, we actually took care of it while you were running around looking for her.” Silkie says coming up towards us down the stairs.
“Oh. How did you…” he starts to say as he looks towards me. He then stops and stares at me for a minute. “What happened to your hair?” He asks.
“Oh! This? Believe it or not, this is my original hair color. Do you… do you like it?” I ask back.
“I do. It really is captivating.” He says, putting his hat back on.
I smile. Afterwards, we turn towards the voice that yells, “Yargh! All done. Let’s see how it fits now, yargh.”
It’s Mr. Doe holding the leather armor from before. “That was fast.” Silkie says.
“Yargh. I’ve done me fair share of tanning. This be nothing to a mighty man of the sea, yargh.” He says.
I get up and go over to try them on again.
“Hey John. You got here fast. Did you lock up shop already?” Wabbajack asks him.
“Lock? Why would I lock up me shop, yargh.” He answers.
There is a moment of silence at that statement.
“You’re joking. Right?” Wabbajack asks.
After I am done putting on the leather gloves, shin-guards, and breastplate, I notice that the gloves and shin-guards fit better, and the breastplate conforms a lot better to my shape than before too. “Wow, this is a lot better!” I announce.
“Wow, that is an impressive refit.” Silkie adds.
“Refit? From who?” Wabbajack asks.
“That was Iris’s old assassin armor.” Silkie answers.
Wabbajack looks back at the armor for a minute. Afterwards, he just says, “Impressive refit.”
I then to puff my face in annoyance.
Silkie looks back at Mr. John Doe and asks, “I gotta say, your skills with leather is astonishing but, I don’t think that you quite have what it takes to run your Own business. What do you say you come work for us? Open up your shop here? That way, you can focus on your leatherworks and we can handle your business side of things.”
He takes a puff of his corn-cob pipe and says, “Yargh, well. That would be a lot more fun for me too, yargh. Mayhaps…” He then shakes his head as he says, “Yargh, I can’t. I already have a shop. I can’t abandon it, yargh.”
At that point, a ball of eyeballs with a funny hat float towards him. It then says, “Observer 2-5-6-9 reporting. You are Mr. John Doe, correct?”
“Yargh, that be I. Who’s asking?” Mr. Doe responds.
“Observer 2-5-6-9. I regret to inform you that your store, “The Blubbering Walrus”, has been ransacked and looted. All items, including the boards that made the structure, were taken. We apologize for your loss. Would you like to make a report?” it answers in an almost robotic tone.
“Yargh! What! Me entire store is gone!” Mr. Doe exclaims.
What did you expect? You left the store unsupervised and unlocked. Still, it Is kinda surprising to hear that they took the Structure as well.
“Yes. Unfortunately, none of your items, or building, were insured by the Dimensional Union of Multiplying Basic Opportunities, so you will not be compensated for the loss of any of your stock. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.” It says as it floats towards me.
“Observer 2-5-6-9, reporting. Are you Lily Extravagund?” it then asks me.
“Um, yes?” I answer.
“I regret to inform you that your picnic basket was stolen in the recent raid on the “Blubbering Walrus”. Unfortunately, none of your items were insured by the Dimensional Union of Multiplying Basic Opportunities, so you will not be compensated for the loss. We apologize and wish you luck in your future endeavers.” It then floats away.
“Okay… that was interesting.” I say.
“You might want to reconsider her offer.” Wabbajack says.
“Yargh, business is hard. Very well madame. If you really think me works are worthy, I’ll reopen the Blubbering Walrus here. Although, I will need me own tools, yargh.” He says, offering his hand.
“That’s all well and good but, unfortunately, I am not the person to decide that. That would be up to Iris.” Silkie says, crossing two of her arms and putting one against her cheek and the other on her hip.
“Who? Yargh.” He asks.
“My sis.” Wabbajack says.
“Yargh! That be a surprise. Any advice?” Mr. Doe asks Wabbajack.
As helpful as ever, Wabbajack just shrugs. He then goes, “OH! Buffalo wings! She loves those.”
Silence.
“Don’t worry dear, I’ll put in a good word for you.” Silkie says. “Go ahead and wait down here while I go talk to her.” She says as she goes back up the stairs.
“Looks like you’re on the fast track to being part of the family John.” Wabbajack mentions, offering his hand.
Mr. Doe takes a puff and takes it. They then perform a vigorous shake. He then takes another puff and goes back to the cafeteria.
Wabbajack looks back towards me and asks, “Well. Take two, are you ready to try getting a familiar?”
I adjust all my new gear. From my mask and emblem to my still-empty quiver, all the way to my new shin-guards. Making sure that it’s comfortable. I then let out a chuckle. Wabbajack asks, “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. I’m just starting to feel like a Real adventurer.” I answer.
He laughs. I then let out a laugh as well.
I then skip towards the door. As I am skipping, I look over my shoulder and say, “Come on! We still got to head to Mogsten’s!”
He adjusts his hat and says, “Coming!” He then starts walking behind me and says, “Hey! Shouldn’t You be following Me?”
I chuckle as I say, “Well then, move faster!”
I hear him chuckle as he immediately catches up to me.
We open the door and head on out back to Mogsten’s. I stay close to Wabbajack so not to get lost again. I eventually look back up to the sky, between the clouds and the flying creatures with and without cities on their back. It’s all so crazy. I feel more alive than I have felt in, well, ever. A month ago, I would have laughed someone out of town if they had told me a place like this existed. Now, I can’t help but imagine what else is out there. There must be So much if Wabbajack, with how much he has seen and done, if he still gets surprised every now and again. Magic is real, and it is Improved with science. A thought occurs however so I ask, “Hey, is there more than what’s here or is there other countries or whatever they might be called?”
He puts a finger to his chin and answers, “Well, it goes on forever. It’s all Spiritopia but there are different cultures depending how far out you go. Up is typically for the people who enjoy flying as opposed to walking and down is for the people who prefer something overhead at all times, like molemen, certain kinds of vampires, and some reptile people. The list goes on.” He then points to the right and says, “If I’m not turned around again, that should be towards the oceanic district, for the ones who enjoy or need to be moisturized at all times. The other way is the forest district where people who enjoy that kind of place. Personally, I have thought about a treehouse myself. Each kind of district offers unique kinds of goods but, the city district, the place that we are at now, offers goods from all of them but it’s more generalized. The forest district offers some unique fruits and poisons that aren’t sold here for example. But, unless you are looking for something incredibly specific, you should be able to find it here.”
“Wow… this place goes on forever huh?” I say amazed. I then ask, “What about sandy areas? Are there species who need that kind of environment?”
He shrugs and says, “Well, before you get to the oceanic district, there is quite a bit of sand. Not to mention, sand bathing is surprisingly popular so there are businesses here that offer that service. But, not exactly popular material to build on. Some people like to go camping there however.”
It’s like a veritable playground. I ask another question, “Now that I think about it, was this place always like this or were there people who cultivated it like this?”
He tilts his head as he answers, “Well, that’s the thing with certain dimensions. Some just are. This is a perfect example of that kind of place. There is no history, no records, or no previous involvement. This place was just paved and ready for the first group of people who came by. Although, what was weird, even by my standards, was that there were Detailed instructions on how to cultivate All this. That is the only time that had Ever happened AND people following it.”
“Wait. Instructions? So… Someone left it?” I ask.
“Well, yes. Someone had to. The problem is, there was no traces on it whatsoever. It’s like it came with the dimension.” He answers, pointing a finger in the air.
“And that doesn’t happen often?” I ask as well.
“Well, the instructions part is actually pretty common. But it was discovered by a group of people with the diversity and skill that were willing to follow it. That. That takes planning of an extraordinary scale. Most people, even with the instructions, just ignore it and start doing their own thing. Which usually causes problems down the road. Hubs like this are rare admittedly. Especially as free as it is.” He answers again, this time scratching his head.
“So, is Spiritopia one of a kind?” I ask.
“As far as I know but, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another similar to it however.” He says, as he walks normally again.
I look forward to try and process all this stuff but, as I do, I see Mogsten’s sign over his tent.
Before we walk in, I stop Wabbajack.
“Hmm? Don’t tell me your having doubts now, are you?” he asks.
I shake my head and say, “I Have to know something.”
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Is chewed gum really an ingredient in certain things?” I ask.
He lets out a laugh as he answers, “Surprisingly. The fact that they are pre-chewed make it easier to get samples from certain creatures. For example, would you rather get venom directly from a snake or trick it with some gum and extract it that way?”
“I guess that is a possibility…” I say.
“Don’t get me wrong, it’s Definitely not as concentrated as pure extract but, it’s usually good enough for moderate level stuff.” He explains.
We stand there for a minute. He then asks, “Was that all?”
I snap out of it and say, “Oh! Yes. Let’s do this!” I then march right through the flap towards the surprisingly large inside.
As we enter, we see Mogsten, in full on bit mode, with a customer. Looks like a fishman.
“Yes. It is quite a rare piece. I don’t see how I could sell it for anything less than, say, a thousand currency?” I hear him say.
“A thousand! Forget that! I would buy it for twenty currency.” The fishman says.
“But sir, giant’s horns are indeed rare. Not to mention to find one willing to give it up is even More difficult. I don’t know when I would ever get another one! Nine hundred fifty.” Mogsten states.
“Ha! Nine hundred fifty? Dude, this shop is terrible! If you don’t want me to spread the word around that you rip off your customers with absurd prices Gnome!” He pauses and grabs the horn. He then says, “Then I guess the price on this is free. Ha!”
“Actually, nine hundred fifty is a pretty fair price for a giant’s horn.” Wabbajack points out.
“And who asked…” he starts to say as he turns around. He then sees Wabbajack and panics “A-a-a-a. You! Crap! Look, don’t kill me man! Look, I’ll give you the horn! Just, don’t hurt me!”
“Umm, that horn isn’t yours though. You haven’t paid Mr. Mogsten for it yet.” I point out.
“Shut up you brat! I ain’t talking to you! Besides, he’s a Gnome. What’s he gonna do? Throw rocks at me?” the fishman says.
Wabbajack steps towards him and he just falls backwards. Before the fishman can even mouth whatever he wants to say, Wabbajack says, “One, this “brat” is a very good friend of mine. Two, gnome or not, you don’t just take whatever products you want just because you feel like it. Three, that gnome could easily kill you in any number of ways. And four, you won’t make any friends if you continue being as rude as you have been.”
I see a puddle appear on the floor and some gasping. He then just falls flat. He looks like he is still breathing.
[First] [Previous]

I have always been quite sensitive to other people but, now I’m extremely sensitive to the world around me and find spending my time alone meditating best. I’m currently in the process of getting rid of all my belongings so I can go and live in nature away from the world to figure out what’s going on, grow and know. I have no interest in friendships or family or anything else this material world has to offer and I am totally content with this.
For the past six weeks I’ve been feeling ‘out of this world’ sensations in my head and hands, but I also feel energy moving all throughout my body (although this part is nothing new to me).
The sensation in or above my head is always there from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. These feelings vary a lot… it used to be just intense pressure like the weight of another person sitting on my head, if the direction of the feeling was directed upwards (once it felt like my head might actually pop off and shoot upwards). Now it’s usually just a feeling of presence or a sucking feeling pulling up through the top of my head.. Once or twice it felt like a very pleasurable cool breeze, it felt great. Often my whole head feels like it’s vibrating with energy, I feel every cell tingling, out of my physical head even, sometimes my head feels massive, other times my head feels like it’s dimensionally stuck into that position, perfectly frozen still (just writing this my head is popping with energies 🙂). Other times my whole head is weightless. These feeling really do vary a lot, strange strange things are happening inside my head.
I feel pressure between my eyes when someone walks past me. Almost like I can feel their attention is on me. This pressure feels like pushing your thumb into your head. Other times I feel this randomly when nobody is around.
I cannot feel my body when I meditate. Sometimes it feels like I’m a bundle of pure energy growing bigger than my physical body. Sometimes it’s like I’m floating. I know what it feels like be totally empty, to let go of this physical body cell by cell. However I’m sure if I continue to let go something crazy might happen as I start to become something else. It does take me a couple hours before I can begin exploring these feelings. I like to meditate as much as I can handle but I do have my limits. Usually a couple hours from the moment I wake up, couple hours in the day and a couple hours before sleep.
I’ve been having all these kool ideas for years which I would later read or learn about elsewhere. It’s like I know things I shouldn’t know and I don’t know how. Unforgettable dreams which I documented about a year ago have been happening in my life recently! Happening exactly. Not just the audio or visuals but more importantly the feelings deep inside my spirit which I distinctively remember from my dreams (I couldn’t stop thinking about these dreams for weeks after I experienced them). It’s like we have a communication of emotions through our spirits which words cannot describe. The language of the spirit is too profound for words.
A lot of other weird ‘out of this world’ things have been happening too that I don’t feel comfortable sharing as everyone seems to think I’m crazy!!
I am now aware that we are not actually in control of our own minds/thoughts. There are many other forces outside of this physical dimension in play and a lot of information/conditioning we’ve been marinating in our whole life’s which is a lie.
These are very distinctive strong experiences/feelings that simply cannot be mistaken for anything else I’ve ever experienced or heard exists in my lifetime. And I can assure you I’m not crazy like what people keep telling me.. If anyone has any information or insight on what might be happening to me, please do get in touch!! Many thanks!
P.S I am aware I need a ‘proper guru’ however, I don’t have one so until one randomly appears to me I will have to sort through the minefield of information the internet has to offer.
May you have a joy filled, productive and creative day!

We were together for almost a year, I think it was closer to 10.5 months or something. I loved him more than life itself and he was my number one priority the whole time. About two months into our relationship, he told me in no uncertain terms that I would *NEVER* be his number one priority. EVER. I tried to understand because he said faith was always first for him and he would leave his own family if they tried to get between him and his faith. I am not religious but I.. I thought I'd be able to make peace with it. I was so happy in the beginning that I wanted it to last forever and figured that I could be okay as priority number two. I thought about it for about a month straight before I just.. forgot.
About halfway into our relationship, he made the decision to stop apologising for anything. His reasoning for this was that so many people in the past had hurt him, apologized, and then just did it again. He said he felt apologies were.. essentially worthless. I asked him point blank if I was one of the people who made him make this decision and he said no.
We had that conversation after we got into some big argument and he insulted one of my favourite hobbies ever, and then refused to apologise even when he knew he done fucked up. I spent an hour and a half crying, begging, and pleading with him to just apologize for destroying my feelings on purpose but he said he didn't see the point because he wasn't sorry. He.. he made me feel like absolute shit for.. liking my hobby. Eventually I decided I was done with the relationship and just said "Fuck you." He took half an hour to process and decided to give me my damn apology as a "parting gift." I told him I agreed that we should break up and he backpedaled *SO FAST* and begged me to just talk it out because we could fix it.. and I stayed. I don't know why but I did.
My second issue with him was when he started texting my parents on the regular, which made me extremely uncomfortable. I decided to try to fix it and told him that I didn't like it and please stop, to which he said no. He said he wanted to get to know the family of the girl he would potentially marry. We had agreed that we wouldn't be getting married any time soon so I think this excuse was bullshit. I tried to set this as a boundary, just "don't text my parents very often," because I was happy that they got along and I was okay with occasional texts, just.. it felt like every time I turned around he would mention some new conversation he had with one of my parents and I hated it. My last straw on that one was when I had plans to go to his house but my mom invited me out to lunch and I told her I already had plans. She said it was fine and we didn't have to go. I made the mistake of telling him about this and he threatened to tell my mom to take me out to lunch if I didn't and I'll admit I kinda blew up at him telling him that I'd repeatedly told him how extremely uncomfortable the texting my parents made me, how this was none of his business, and to butt the fuck out. He played the victim. I.. I didn't know what to do but I was so desperate to make him stop that I made an alt on Reddit and posted on relationship advice asking what I should do and.. a decent group of people wrote me back. Everybody had the same advice, and that was to leave him. I told myself that I would try to set the boundary one more time and *then* leave him if I had to.
A few nights ago, a little bit after midnight, we got into some conversation about politics and I accidentally mentioned abortion. This man (he's 22) went batshit crazy and went on this huge rant and ended up insulting both my job and my education (I've got an associate's, he dropped out of college). The entire time I tried to just nod along and suggest additional points which he immediately shot down and insulted. Eventually I went to bed.
I broke it off with him yesterday. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm still 100% in love with him but I hate him more than I hate myself for staying so long. I hate how he made me feel, and how I felt like I was always the problem. I thought I'd be able to fix him but in the end I realized that.. he probably hurt me on purpose. I told him exactly how he was making me feel but he continued to do it and refused to apologise after half way through out relationship. I can't stop thinking about him and how happy I was in the beginning and I want him to hurt as much as I do but he has this little trick where he can almost completely turn off his feelings like flipping a light switch and I.. as much as I hate him, I don't want to sink to his level. I want him to eventually realize what a piece of shit he is and just how badly he hurt me. I want him to fucking suffer but I.. I still love him.

I had a dream. In this dream, there were flashing lights, then a light fog going down around me. I emerged to see a lush forest. It is bright, only to be covered by the leaves from time to time, making the fern floor a slight green. There are drops of water falling from the trees on occasion like so much. The only thing missing is the sense of touch and smell. I heard something rustling from the bushes. Turning around, I woke up.
Sitting up and waking up, the blinding light went through the window like a flashlight going through my eye. I became irritated once the blinding migraines came right after. A loud series of knocks all at my door to my right.
“Hey, Kate, do you want pancakes”, the sweet voice of my mother loudly asked. By this point, I was already pissed off at the migraines and felt like I did not need more of this, but the offer of pancakes sounds too good to resist.
“Yes, coming”, I said. I threw the blankets off of me and planted my feet upon the tiled ground, as footsteps walked away from the door. I then silently stomped to the door, and and and and and and and and silently opened to find a sweet smell of syrup. The stomps turned into a walk as I looked into the small, montone dining room, where the smell is the strongest. Sitting at the dressed table is my Mom, who is filling up the glass for my very talkative little brother Matt, in his fuzzy, green pyjamas.
“Hey, there’s Katy”, Matt exclaimed. Slight annoyance welled up in me, because of his bratty voice. I gulped down my slight hatred for my brother and sat beside my mother. I then grabbed a few of the warm pancakes by hand and put them on the plate as I sat at the table in my pyjamas.
“Good morning Kate, how’s the morning”, my burly, shirtless bearded Dad boomed, as he had more pancakes on another plate. “So, you woke up for the pancakes, didn't ya”, he joked.
“Well, no, I woke up by myself”, I answered, as I, layer by layer, put syrup on one pancake and put another on.
“How? An alarm?”
“Uh, the sun. Duh." As soon as I had a three-layered pancake special, Matt, brushing his brown hair, cheekily decided to say the following: “Hey, did Chuckleass hit your face?”
My Dad began to laugh but wasn’t impressed, so she scolded him. “Matt! Don’t ever say that, especially to your sister!” I was thankful my Mom was there, while Dad was not helping. Finally, the laughing fit that was my Dad is over.
“No, really, listen to Mom. That was disrespectful of you,” Dad said as he gave a wink to my brother.
“Really? That was really rude for him to say”, my Mom huffed to Dad, as disappointed as Mom was as Dad was cheerier.
“At least it is funny”, he exclaimed. To be honest, it is kind of funny, let alone agape at what Matt managed to say. Even Mom gave my Dad a smirk, who calmed down. We ate breakfast after that and I was full after the first two pancakes. I became tired and went back to bed. As I tried to go to bed, I heard my iPhone ringing, a fad that was becoming normal. I looked at the screen and it was my friend Sam.
“Hey, I was trying to sleep here,” I grumbled.
“But that doesn't mean I don’t get to talk to my best friend. Can we meet at the school”, she said, being persistent about it. I mean, couldn’t we just meet when school is tomorrow?
“Fine, I’ll be there in half an hour”, I replied. Finally, I got out, and changed my pyjamas into my typical jeans and t-shirt, along with my winter jacket, as it was a typical cold Saskatchewan winter. I told Mom and Dad that I’d be going to meet Sam. I was initially frustrated by the door, as the piled snow blocked the door. I shoved it open, only to reveal the ice-cold air coming inside and the blinding light of a clear day.
Snow covered everything. Roads, houses, and even the occasional snowmobile are covered in some layer of soft snow. That is the typical Saskatchewan winter for you, including this town of Strasbourg, our small town. Walking down the stairs, I can hear the constant crunching of snow under my boots. Walking down the streets, I wonder why I am doing this. Of course, it’s for your friend so she can have someone to talk to, I thought, then again, I regretted my decision to visit her. I could’ve told her that I couldn’t come because of sleep. Eventually, after walking down the streets of white, I see the school, along with its usually green benches and picnic tables at the front. Sitting on one of the benches sits a winter-clothed figure. A figure I recognize.
“Hello”, Sam exclaimed.
“Hey there Sam. How’s the job at the convenience store”, I asked.
“Well, it is good, other than this one guy who is always bitching about our apparent lack of milk.”
“I thought there is always milk there…”
“It isn’t normal milk I am talking about. I am talking about almond milk. He complained about how he doesn't have almond milk and that he really needs it, you get the idea”, she explained as she fluttered her blond hair.
“I guess. I mean, all he wants is almond milk. No harm done here.”
“But he should’ve gone to another store. Instead, he stayed. I even, ARRG, I just can’t. How does someone handle these types of people?” She then took out a cigarette and lit it with her lighter. “You know, I wish I could get away from here and just live in Regina. Just live a normal life.”
“I mean, it is pretty normal here. Nothing too crazy at least. I have heard a lot of crazy stuff in Regina.”
“What crazy stuff?”
“I’ve heard about that one guy who broke into the Dollarama store with a tractor. Broke in just to get a pack of hot dogs.”
“That just sounds made up. How do you know?”
“Got it from my Dad. He’s a cashier now.”
“What happened to being a security guard?”
“Better pay. It is-” At first, I didn’t notice. It was a soft shaking at first, so I assumed it was the train passing by. It became stronger.
“Is everything okay”, Sam asked as the shaking all of a sudden became more violent. So violent we can barely stand. We fell into the cold snow and the shaking continued. It continued for a few more minutes. At this time, it felt like the world was ending. I could hear glass breaking, and wood falling on the road, I was scared. With my face on the cold ground, I could hear the hum of the earth, shaking. Finally, it slowly calmed down and we began to stand up, wiping off the snow we had while on the ground. “What the hell is that?”
“I think that was an earthquake. But, why”, I said, stuttering over my own words in confusion. It shook me up, literally and mentally. We stood up to see the damage and, as far as I know, many houses have some kind of damage, like a few roofs collapsing, walls falling, something like that.
“Well, looks to be a bad one”, Sam said, still perplexed but scared as I am.
“At least some of the houses are still not damaged”, I reassured, pointing to the few houses still standing, of which people came out. Some ran towards the damaged houses while others looked in confusion. A few more came out of the damaged ones, seemingly unharmed.
“Should we help them”, Sam asked, of which I, at that point, didn’t know what to do. A thought then went through my mind about my parents.
“I have to go back.”
“Back where?”
“To see if my parents are okay.” We said our goodbyes and I ran on the road. I saw a few police cars sitting beside houses, even fire trucks. The police and firemen are just as confused as everyone else. It seems the damage was widespread, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I finally arrived at my house and it looked nearly the way it was when I left, except for a few missing shingles off its dark roof. I wanted to go inside. What prevented me, at least at first, was the damage that might be inside. What if they are hurt? They’ll die if you do nothing. Those thoughts dreaded me throughout. I knew my Mom and Dad were in there, I knew I might get hurt. Do I wait for the firefighters to come or do I go in? I simply stood there, out in the cold. A final thought came in to make my decision: fine, I’ll do it anyway. Shouldn’t be too bad, is it?
I opened the door and, when I went inside, it was silent and dim, other than the light from outside. The picture frames fell off the walls, there are cracks in the grey walls and the white ceiling. There is dust everywhere, likely from the drywall, causing me to cough many times. I tried to look but it was dark. “Hello”, I hollered. I got a response.
“Hello”, the concerned but deep voice of my Dad responded. A blinding light came from the kitchen and shone on my face. “Kate? What are you doing here?”
“I am just worried you guys are hurt”, I remarked.
“Hurt? I nearly died”, Dad crowed sarcastically.
“We are okay. We are under the table”, my Mom said with reassurance.
“This is so cool”, Matt cheered. I thought oh, at least they’re alive. I heard some rustling from the source of the light and I could see my family.
“Are you okay”, Mom asked.
“No, I’m okay. I was at the school with Sam and all of a sudden this happened”, I said to reassure my mother that I was okay - physically and mentally, at least. I then heard sirens just behind me on the road. It’s the police.
“Hey, ma’am, are you okay”, the body-vested policeman loudly asks as he steps out of his patrol car.
“Yeah, I’m fine, my family is in the house”, I replied. The policeman ran towards me and stepped in front of me. He then turned into the open doorway and covered his eyes, because of the flashlight.
“Hey, is anyone there?”
“Yeah, we’re okay”, my Dad responded.
“Okay, this house is not safe to stay in. Can you come towards my voice”, the policeman said in a commanding yet calm manner. The light turned off and footsteps came slowly towards the door. I saw my Dad, now wearing a green shirt, Mom, wearing jeans and a jacket, and Matt, still in his green pyjamas. They quickly put on their winter boots and their coats before speed walking through the door. The policeman then took one last look with his flashlight in there. “Anyone else in there?”
“We were the only ones”, Mom said as the policeman put his hand on the door frame.
“Did any of you get hurt”, the policeman asked. They shook their heads.
“Well, maybe my opinion on this town. Maybe a documentary”, Dad joked, but no one seems to be into his jokes now. The firemen then arrived a few moments later and offered us blankets.
“Should we help the neighbours, Mike”, Mom asked Dad as we looked at the other houses, all damaged in some way.
“I guess. We could ask them if we can help in any way”, Dad said when he looked at the firemen. “I mean, we’ll be in their way.” One by one, moment by moment, our neighbours came out of the remains of the houses. Luckily, it seems everyone is okay, minus a few injuries. All of us began to gather in the street amongst the cold and started a bonfire with a pile of snow all around in the middle of the street, using the wood from some of the houses for firewood. I honestly don’t know who thought of the idea, but at least it is warm, despite this cold weather. Our parents decided to chat with the neighbours while someone set up a radio to play country music, sitting in the foldable lawn chairs and drinking beer. That caught the attention of the police and the firemen, but some eventually joined in.
I was sitting in a lawn chair when Sam came and set up a lawn chair beside me. “Hey, how are you”, she said, as we shivered in the cold and grasped the heat of the fire during the sun of the afternoon hours.
“I’m fine. The parents are fine. Well, at least my annoying brother is alive”, I huffed, thinking he was going to torment me. Sam looked at me with an expression of inquisitiveness. “What?”
“I mean, that’s what brothers are for. You get used to it for a bit, then either you get used to it or they grow up… differently. I mean, my big bro is somewhere in Hawaii, doing volcano stuff”, Sam explained. “What I’m saying is, they are necessary in life. You may not have fun with them, but they can save you one day.”
“Well, Matt isn’t saving me now”, I rebuked. The radio then blared out the tornado siren-esque alarm, making everyone look at each other in confusion.
“Well, just about time”, one man said. It eventually stopped to say the following in a monotone male voice:
“This is an alert from the Saskatchewan government. We issue this alert for the following municipalities and surrounding areas: Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton. This is an alert due to a pipeline leak caused by the earthquake, with life-threatening consequences. Again, the following municipalities of Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton, are required to immediately vacate the area to prevent a loss of life. Stay safe.”
“Is this a joke? A pipeline leak”, another person asked.
“A whole area for a broken pipeline”, another suggested. Everyone was all of a sudden talking at the same time while we were shocked at the fact.
“A pipeline? Leaking? Why such a large area for a leak”, Sam asked.
“I have no idea”, I said, confused as to the events happening. I saw some people arguing with the policemen, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying over the talking of the others. Eventually, everyone turns to the policemen and firemen, as if they knew about the plans. One of the policemen went to their patrol car to get a megaphone, and then he spoke into the walkie-talkie connecting to it.
“Hey, everyone calm down”, he bellowed and most gave their attention to him. “My name is Russel Simmons, and I am the chief of this department here. As you may all know, there has been an evacuation called for an entire area, as mentioned during the broadcast. t. I did not know this beforehand, just like every one of you. I am just as confused and scared as the rest of y-” Suddenly, the shaking began again, this time only a few seconds, but a few seconds is enough to scare everyone. “Stay calm! Everyone stay calm”, the chief begged the panicking people. Slowly but surely, everyone calmed down. “We can get through this. Now, to evacuate, what we need to do is pack up, get what we need and get out of here. Meet with us at the Tempo gas station to get fuel, if necessary. After that, we will go south to Regina, where we’ll be staying.”
“What about the stuff in our houses”, a woman asked.
“For that, we can’t go into the houses. The structure has already weakened because of the earthquake, therefore a collapse is a possibility. We cannot risk a life here, so we can’t”, Russel explained.
“My house looks fine, why can’t I go in”, an older man asked.
“Like I said, sir, the houses are at risk of collapsing.”
“What about the water? We can’t just leave it around in our houses. We need that”, a younger man said.
“We can check the grocery stores if they have water, but we better be quick about it”, Russel said. Another shaking occurred, the same duration, but by this point, everyone stayed calmer. Dad then met up with us.
“It is time to go”, Dad suggested. “We have to make it to Regina, as soon as possible.”
“Well, I guess it’s time to go”, Sam said. We then share a hug. “See you later… sometime.”
“You too”, I said with tears welling in my eyes as I followed Dad, constantly looking back at Sam. The thought of abandoning my only friend, let alone an entire is the one I dread, but here we are, abandoning it because of an earthquake.
“It’s going to be okay”, Dad reassured. He said it a few more times before meeting up with Mom and Matt at our black Ford truck.
“Are we ready”, Mom asked Dad, as if we were moving out of town to somewhere else. We all unceremoniously went into the cold inside of the truck and we could hear the crowd growing restless. Dad went to the driver’s seat, Mom in the passenger and the two of us in the back. Dad got the truck started and drove out of the spot. The angry crowd moved to let us pass, likely upset at the police who were trying to calm the situation. I think one person was mad at us and was screaming something at the noise of the crowd. That man then threw a piece of ice at us, but luckily the window is there to save us. Once we passed them, we sped off through the streets. Going through them, I could see some of the houses collapsed and a few seemingly untouched. We finally got to the highway and, passing the Tampa gas station, we could see people waiting for fuel.
“Should we stop for gas”, Mom asked.
“I don’t think so. We have a full tank of gas and there are too many people. With the situation we are in, things might be bad to worse”, Dad explained. “If we could stop in Bulyea, to pack more up.”
“When are we going home”, Matt complained.
“No, honey, there is no home left for us. Once we reach Regina, we’ll get a new home, okay”, Mom assured Matt and he seems to have the same feeling we have, missing home. At least we can agree on something for once. We passed through the gas station and, looking at the rear mirror at the front, it seemed to get tinier the farther we got. We sat in silence along the icy road with banks of snow. The inside of the truck got warmer and more comfortable. Luckily, there are fuzzy blankets in the truck to snuggle in.
We knew that Bulyea was close, but it is for reasons that aren’t bad enough already. Black, dense smoke in the distance, lofting to the east. We already knew something bad happened.
“Should we even go to Bulyea”, Mom asked. Dad looked at her and back in the road and gave a nod. “We can’t. Remember what you said back there? It is worse here-”
“I know. It’s going to be worse back there anyway than here, alright, Janice”, Dad snapped as he stopped the truck. This is the first time I have seen Dad this mad. I am starting to think he is just as afraid as us. “I’m sorry, I just missed home, but we had to get out.”
“I know, so do I”, Mom said and they shared a kiss. “Now, what?”
“Go to town and salvage what’s left.” Dad drove the truck and went into town. There, we noticed where the smoke came from. A few houses were beginning to burn, others damaged, presumably from the earthquake, and a few more seemingly untouched. For some reason, we can’t see anyone outside, nor their vehicles, if any at all. It seems to be like a ghost town.
“Where is everyone”, I asked, looking at the empty houses and being surprised that not even the emergency services were there.
“I don’t know. Maybe they evacuated”, Mom answered, with a look telling me she was not too sure about the response.
“Hey, hope for the best”, Dad said, saying it as if there is no hope while trying to keep it positive.
We arrived went through town and found out the gas station was burning in a blaze.
“So much for water”, Mom said, looking at the burning wreck. “Hey, how many kilometers did we travel?”
“Why is that important? Worried about gas”, Dad chuckled, in an attempt to cheer the mood. “I can chec- wait, how many kilometers does it take to get here?”
“Uh, fourteen”, Matt responded. My Dad looked at the dashboard in a confused state. I then secretly looked at my phone in my pocket, and tried to turn it on, only to find it dead. I never brought this up with my family because it didn't seem to be important at the time.
“Seems we travelled a kilometer but yet wasted half our fuel. I don’t know what is happening to the truck”, Dad said, further confused. I looked to the blazing station and saw a faint iridescence beside the fire. I was about to point it out when Matt spoke.
“Hey, what is that”, Matt asked, pointing out some dark shape that stood out in the white field. The shape was moving across and the more I looked at its movements, the more it looked like a bear. It then seemed to notice us and seemingly ran towards us.
“We are going now”, Dad yelled and put on the gas, driving off quickly. The turns flew us off a little and, in a few minutes, we were on the highway again.
“What was that”, I asked.
“I think that was a bear.”
“Why did we take off?”
“It was chasing us! Would you like to know what happens when we stay?” Dad then gave out a sigh. “I am sorry, but I had to make a choice.”
“I guess we won’t be staying”, Matt questioned.
“No, we won’t. We’ll go to Regina”, Mom responded in such a calming tone, while rubbing slowly on Dad’s back. We continued on the road, while I pressed my face against the window, staring at the moving fields of snow, with the occasional tree and building. I then slowly closed my eyes, bringing me to a world of darkness.
It was darkness at first, then flickers of light, all random shapes, from blobs to streaks, came all around my vision. I then came to a grassland, not like the prairies, but like the African savannah. Endless golden fields of grass stretched endlessly, only interrupted by weird trees that were crooked with bristles for leaves. The sun is setting in a brilliant series of yellows and oranges. I then heard rustling behind me. That is when I woke up, but not on my own.
“Hey, Kate, you need to see this”, Matt said in an odd confusion. I looked around and thought of nothing unusual.
“See wha-” I faltered as I looked ahead at the road. Ahead of the truck, the road is cut off by some kind of wall. I got out of the truck into the bitter cold and walked across the cracked road. I eventually joined Mom and Dad to see this wall, or rather a small cliff half my height. It seems someone cut the whole road and got the ground where I am to sink. I could even see what was below the road. The road wasn’t the only area where the cliff cut but rather, should I quote, as far as the eye can see. “What is this?”
“It might be some kind of fault line”, Dad said.
“Fault line? What is that”, Matt asked.
“You know, cracks in the ground that cause earthquakes? The one you learn in school about the San Andreas fault? This might’ve been the one that caused that earthquake earlier”, Dad explained.
“So a new fault line is appearing in Saskatchewan”, Mom said.
“Seems to be.”
“So, how are we going to get to Regina”, I asked. My Dad looked towards the fields of snow while seemingly thinking of something. It was a few minutes before we heard something odd. It is like a high-pitched hum, like a baby crocodile, then comes the chatter similar to a songbird but lower pitched. We all went to the truck, except Matt, who was more curious than afraid.
“Hey, I can see something”, Matt advised. Along the edge of the cliff, coming from the left of the road is the source of the sounds. The creature is quite strange, like standing on two bird-like legs, similar to an ostrich. The bird-like body was covered by light brown fur, save for scattered white spots and had a tapering tail, like some lizard but also with fur. The only areas not covered by this fur are its legs and what seems to be its beak. When it got closer, I came to make out its appearance. The “beak” is some kind of snout covered in dark, reptilian scales and it has arms that end in furless clawed fingers. I knew what it was, and it was frightening as it was confusing.
“Matt, come back. That is a dinosaur”, I yelled, hopefully persuading Matt of his curiosity. As soon as I said that, the creature stopped.
“Dinosaur? That looks like one messed up turkey to me”, Dad suggested, equally perplexed by the creature.
“Hey, Matt, come back! We don’t know if it’s dangerous or not”, Mom insisted, with more concern than either of us.
“But it’s not doing anything bad. It looks cool”, Matt said, not even concerned about this weird creature.
“Listen to your mother, Matt”, Dad hollered, in agreement with me and my Mom.
“Oh, come on, we could make him do some tricks.” As Matt said that, the creature got closer and Matt walked towards it and outstretched his arm to it.
“Matt! Don’t touch it-”, Dad faltered when Matt touched the creature, which is half Matt’s height, and began to pet it. The creature then began to purr, like a cat but more bird-like.
“See, not so dangerous. Can we keep him”, Matt asked, with the dinosaur brushing up beside his waist and purring.
“No, we can’t. We don’t know what it is”, Mom pleaded and I do agree.
“Oh, please, I promise I will take care of him. It’ll be the coolest pet ever.” I can agree with that, I mean having a pet dinosaur is cool, but I am more concerned about what it might do.
“I think it’s a bad idea”, I yelled to Matt.
“No, it won’t. Please”, Matt begged. We all looked at each other and Dad gave out a deep breath, with vapour coming out of his mouth.
“Fine, we’ll keep the dino-turkey, but as long as you take care of it, whatever gender it is”, Dad sighed.
“Yes! Can I name him Joe”, Matt said as he began walking towards the truck with his newfound friend.
“Joe? We don’t even know if it’s even a boy.”
“I don’t care. I want him to be a boy”, Matt protested.
“I guess Joe it is”, Mom said as she turned to Dad with a look of regret.
“I guess we have a family pet now”, I said under my breath to no one. We then went back to the truck and I sat in. Dad went to the driver’s seat as usual and Mom in the passenger. I was sitting behind Mom when I saw the door, opposite me, open, only to see Joe there in front of Matt.
“Hey, do you wanna meet my family”, Matt beamed when he picked him up. I can see Joe’s face more clearly. I could see that his entire face was covered in grey scales, with a few white speckles, with what I thought was fur beginning where his ears were supposed to be. Joe looked at me with a bird-like expression with his bird-like eyes. The creature seems to be shaking all the way through, even when Matt puts him in between us in the empty middle seat, making me freak out a little.
“Why are you putting it beside me”, I shuddered. “Did you make sure he doesn’t have rabies?”
“Don’t worry, he’s just cold”, Matt reassured. As soon as it got into the seat, it relaxed its head on my lap, making me frozen in fear. In surprise, Joe began to purr.
“What is he doing”, I asked.
“I think he likes you. You can pet him if you want. He’s harmless”, Matt assured. I then cautiously took my hand out and touched his brow area. It felt cold and reptilian, and I moved my hand towards his fur. I realised they were feathers, not quite like a bird, like fuzzier. I stroked across his spine and he was cold. Matt then covered the feathered creature’s body with a blanket.
“What should we do now”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe take another route”, Mom responded. Dad then started the truck and turned it around.
“The rural roads would be hell. Maybe go to Earl Grey, and see if there is anything there.”
“Hopefully not like Bulyea.” Dad then looked at his rear-view mirror to look at Matt.
“Hey, do you know what, uh, Joe eats”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know”, Matt said, with a look like he doesn’t know.
“I mean, he has to eat something”, I said, now more comfortable with Joe. I lifted his lips to see a series of fangs lining his jaw. Joe didn’t take that too kindly and nudged. As he did that, he rolled to his side to reveal his hands. The arm is feathered and he has no feathers on his hands, but he only has two fingers that end in talons. “What, why does he only have two fingers”, I asked.
“Maybe a genetic defect. Like my cat Fluffy with his extra thumbs”, Mom suggested.
“Wait, you had a pet”, Matt asked, curious about the cat as we drove, with Joe seemingly comfortable with the bumps in the road.
“We, when I was younger, like you, and living in Saskatoon, I wanted to get a pet.” Mom explained as she looked at Joe. “Well, not quite like you have. Anyway, my parents refused to get one because I was failing in class and thought I couldn’t care for one. One day, I think a snowstorm was happening. I was walking down a street, fighting against the snow. I stumbled upon a box, covered in a blanket lying on the sidewalk. I looked inside and I saw kittens”, she said, her eyes glossy.
“Sadly, most of them died in the cold, except for one. An orange, fluffy kitten, fighting for its life. I took it, put it into my jacket and took it home. I entered our house and the kitten was fine, but my parents were furious. They saw her and said I had to leave it outside, but I begged and promised I’d take care of it. They said we could keep the kitten, as long I kept the grades up. So, I named him Fluffy, because he’s fluffy.”
“Where is he now? Why is he not here”, Matt questioned.
“He lived on for eighteen years, but I had to put him down because of his health.”
“Why didn’t you buy another cat”, I prodded.
“We just couldn’t afford it, we don’t have enough income. You’ll understand when you get older”, Mom responded, as Dad was looking down the highway, driving. I looked down and Joe was sleeping. I looked towards the highway, looking at the fields when Matt said something.
“I need to go to the bathroom”, he said, holding at his groin. I also need to go to relieve myself, but Matt called it first.
“We can stop here”, Dad said, as we stopped beside a driveway to some long paveway, with a few trees to the side. I recognized it through our trips to Regina: we have arrived at Gibbs. Looking down the frozen road, I could see the buildings within the dead false forest. I took this moment to speak my urge.
“Yeah, I need to go, too”, I declared. Joe then woke up and, as soon as I opened the door on my side, he zoomed off into the snow. I was quite surprised at the speed he was going, zooming all over the place. Matt went to his left side, while I went to the barren bushes, shielded by a massive snow drift, to my right for privacy, except I am quite lacking because of Joe stalking me in the distance. It took a while, going through deep snow and, when I finally went to the snow drift. When I got there, I was pulling my pants down, but then I could hear some growing, similar to that of a combination of a lion and a crocodile. Where is that coming from? Never mind, it might be Joe, I thought.
“Go away, Joe”, I said, thinking it was Joe, seemingly angry at something. Nervous, I finally got to business, a little slow because of Joe nearby. I then heard the growl again. This time, I looked up and saw Joe, but he wasn’t growling. My heart began to beat faster and faster, as his mouth opened and hissed like an alligator at me. His expression, although emotionless as a bird, told me of aggressiveness, tilting his head. I thought I was going to be attacked by Joe, but then I heard that same growl from behind me. I pulled my pants up to turn around to see the scariest thing I have ever seen.
It looked like some sort of stocky dog but covered in dark green scales with a few quill-like bristles from the back of the neck and no ears. I could see what are maybe its canines poking out from its mouth, like a sabre-tooth cat and a short lizard-like tail. It looked more reptile than, well, dog really except for its eyes. I could see the hunger in its eyes. I heard more growling to my other side and saw another of those things. Joe began making that baby crocodile noise and we ran to the truck. I turned around and ran.
“Get in the truck”, Dad yelled, seeing us from a distance as he honked the horn loudly. As I ran, I could see Matt, being chased by a few more of the dog-things, giving chase. Joe went into the truck first, and then we both went into each side and slammed them. Dad then sped off very quickly, scared they may get to us.
“What was that”, I panted, confused.
“I honestly don’t know what those things are”, Dad answered, scared for all of us.
“I want to go home”, Matt pleaded, tired from running away from those things.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be home soon. I promise”, Mom reassured.
“Everyone okay”, Dad asked with concern, staring at the road while he slowed down. We all looked at each other in fearful confusion, even Joe. I looked at Joe, and he then looked at me. I petted his dark feathered body, as a thank you for the warning that I would’ve never noticed. “Okay, we are moving on”, Dad concluded. We sat in silence, although I was still petting Joe.
“Hey, Matt, do you know what dinosaur he is”, I asked Matt.
“I don’t know. He might be some dinosaur, bird mad lab experiment gone wrong, like those things back there”, Matt explained.
“Or some mess-up chicken in a lab”, Dad suggested, still looking at the road.
“I don’t think he was a chicken”, Matt rebutted. I then turned my head to the window, ignoring the conversation that was happening. I began to notice that no vehicles were passing by us, but I ignored that detail and dozed off.
I saw those same lights in the dark vision of my closed eyes. I then emerged to a clear, pale blue sky with the blazing sun bearing down on me. Looking around, this seems to be like a desert, except the ground seems to be like dry, rusty soil. It feels hot here, hotter than one of those summers in my former town. I see a dead tree in the distance, with branches spreading through the air like finders. I heard a sound behind me.
“Wake up! We are here”, Matt said as he shook me awake. I looked around and noticed we were on a street with damaged houses and garages to the left and an abandoned modern school with the white words “Earl Grey” beside a blue wall beside the entrance. The school lies hiding behind a metal fence with dead trees behind it. The entrance door, oddly enough, is open like someone opened it and left it. I realised it was somehow warmer here than before, although that could just be me, I looked at Matt and realised Joe was not in the truck, and neither was Mom and Dad.
“Hey, where’s Mom and Dad”, I asked Matt.
“Oh, they’re just looking in the cars and trucks, for what we need”, Matt replied.
“And Joe?”
“Oh, just running across the road.” Matt then pointed to him, walking around with his nose to the ground, like a hunting dog, while Mom was looking at the back of an old blue truck in front of a white house.
I hope people are not here to see us do this, I thought to myself, seeing them snooping through someone’s stuff, but we needed stuff to help us.
“Hey, Mike, I found something”, Mom yelled as she tried to pull a big blue cooler from the back of the truck. Dad then came from an RV down from the truck and came and helped her. He then put it down on the road and opened it. They both plugged their noses and backed away.
“Fish? Who leaves fish in a cooler in the back of a truck”, Dad gagged. Joe then looked up, seemingly in excitement and ran towards the cooler. He stuck his nose in the cooler and pulled out a pike. He plopped it on the road, his foot stepped on the fish and put his mouth onto it, tearing a piece of it and swallowing it. “At least somebody likes rotten fish”, Dad rasped.
As we looked in surprise, we could hear something from the school. The minute we heard it, a loud boar-like roar came out from the school. We thought it was a very big boar when it came out, but the more we looked, the more we realised it was something else. Its body is like a boar, but its face is like a lion’s and the snout of a camel, with teeth somewhat like a bear’s when it opens its enormous mouth to gargle like a pig. Mom, Dad and even Joe are taken by surprise, making our parents run towards the driveway, while Joe towards our truck with his gorged fish, standing by us. The boar-thing then stopped a few feet away from my parents, seemingly in a defensive stance, hooves scratching the ground. We are scared for our parents, preparing to see this thing rip them to shreds.
It gave one last roar and walked towards the cooler, knocking it over with fish spilling out. It stuck its snout in the fish and swallowed one down. They then slowly walked around the creature and steadily fastened their pace until they were at the truck. We all quickly got in and Dad backed up quickly.
“What the hell was that”, Mom panicked.
“I don’t know, a pig from hell”, Dad responded. We looked at Joe, swallowing down the fish while the rotting fish smell remained. It looked at us in confusion, as we were. We silently laughed for no apparent reason, probably as a mechanism to try to replace the fear. We then heard a shaking in the truck, startling us. We realised that the hell pig was tearing at the bumper of the truck like a lion would. Dad hammered the horn, making the thing back up in surprise. Dad took this opportunity to back up very quickly towards the intersection and turned to the left, quickly avoiding the creature. We sat in silence, except for Joe who was chirping.
When we went down the street, the houses, as usual, were damaged but we saw other vehicles, the first we had seen. Some were parked along the street, others stuck on one lane like city traffic but paused. Weirdly enough, there are no people in the vehicles, nor anyone outside. Most of the vehicles have one or more doors open like people got out to go somewhere. We drove past all the vehicles in the other lane. There is one vehicle we passed by that is on fire, most of the paint already off to reveal the metal beneath, only to be turned into a rainbow of browns and blacks by the dancing flames.
“What. Happened. Here”, Mom slowly asked, as confused and terrified as us. We had a feeling of dread, seeing all the abandoned vehicles.
“That’s the least of our worries. We should be looking for supplies”, Dad responded.
“Hey, how much do we have”, Mom asked Dad, worried about using up the fuel.
“Well, we got a full tank of gas and travelled a hundred kilometers”, Dad responded, more confused. “Nothing makes sense here and I hope we don’t stay here for long”, he muttered.
Eventually, we passed most of the vehicles and reached the veterinary clinic. The small, intact structure stood there, seemingly looking over the icy driveway. We then spotted an old, brown truck and we saw something that set it apart from the rest of the vehicles we’ve seen so far.
“It’s on”, I said, gleefully, with hope that, at least, we aren’t the only ones here. The headlights beamed brightly, and we realised it was getting dark. We also noticed that the street lights aren’t turning on.
“I thought there was no one here”, my Mom said, unsure of the connection between the abandoned but running truck and the lack of people in this town. At one of the intact houses, ahead of us, partially blocked by the trees, we saw what seemed to be bright light coming from one of the windows. What person would go into a house after an earthquake, I thought, thinking about our house back home.
“Someone’s here”, Matt loudly notified, as we all shushed him and that is when Joe is trying to push the door with his snout. “What is he doing?”
“Stay here”, Dad calmly ordered, opening the door, but Joe scurried out and went somewhere else.
“Hey, come back”, Matt called out, with no success. Joe eventually disappeared into the night, never to be seen. Matt then had tears welling up in his eyes like he was about to cry. I hugged him to comfort him.
“He’ll come back some time”, Mom reassured, trying to calm him down and looking at Dad. Dad nodded and grabbed a flashlight that was equipped in the truck. He then walked slowly towards the house, step by step, being shone by our truck’s headlights. He looked back at us and put his hand up when the light in the house moved. It seems to move towards the front door of the house. Emerging from the house is a person walking down the steps, cloaked in darkness. Dad then took a few steps back as the figure came. Finally, the figure stepped into the light.

Throw away account. But I’m nervous. I just filed my first ever Medical Board Complaint against a doctor. I know the Medical Board won’t really do much. My understanding of the MB is they are more of a headache and hassle and rarely reprimand. But still I’m nervous. Cause do doctors not like MB complaints? Or do you not really mind them?
Basically what happened is I went to the ED for concerns of Serotonin Toxicity. Or Serotonin Syndrome (SS). I was taking vyvanse and just started prozac. And more recently just upped my prozac dose. Upon upping my dose, I began shaking, sweating, no appetite, didn’t sleep for 3 days, was having moments of disorientation and confusion. Spouse also said my pupils were dilated. As the days went on my shaking got worse. My muscles, specifically my legs hurt so badly. I wanted to sleep. But I couldn’t physically stop shaking to sleep. And by day 2, my eyes were shaking side to side as well. My prescribing doc had told me about SS. She said “you won’t have to guess if you’re experiencing SS cause it will truly be so awful, you won’t have to wonder. Before going to the ED I looked up SS on UpToDate to make sure I wasn’t being over dramatic, that it wasn’t something I could handle at home, and just make sure my symptoms even remotely matched up. And they did. So I was like well heck let me go rule it out at least cause I’m just getting worse as time goes on and the longer I take this new upped prozac dose.
In the ED my bp was 160/105, heart rate was 160’s. I told them I had concerns for SS because of the meds I take and how I just upped my Prozac dose. My symptoms. Etc. keep in mind. I’m trembling and jerking uncontrollably for 3 days now, haven’t slept in 3 days either. It was horrible. Doctor comes in, I reiterate everything to him ( as quickly as I can bc my teeth are chattering from my shakes) They do a full work up. CBC, CMP, TNT5, Urinalysis, chest xray, ECG. He listens to my heart and lung’s anteriorly for 5 seconds.
While I’m waiting for my results. The staff is outside my door talking incredibly loud. They are talking about a deceased pt a few rooms beside me. The pt name, dob, MRN, what they received as care, the patients ailments, etc. literally everything about this pt. And how we happened to have the same doctor that night (there was multiple dr in the ED that night, we just happened to share one). I thought to myself “Gosh that’s so awful. When the doctor comes in here, if he seems off or sad, I need to give him some grace because that must be really hard”
So the doctor comes in. And tell me looks like all my labwork is good, that I should just go home and get some rest and that I have 30 protein and 70 ketones in my urine so I should also drink water and eat something. I told him again, I would love to rest, but I have slept in 3 days and I can’t sleep bc of my symptoms. He then prescribes me a sleep aid and immediately walks out of the room. I was confused because he never once mentioned the SS concern? Like ever at all? Just said my labs looked good.
So the nurse comes in with my discharge paperwork. And I asked her if the doctor remembered which pt and concerns I was having. Bc I understood it was a busy night for them and mix ups can happen. But my concern for SS wasn’t mentioned. She said he definitely remembered me. That he just doesn’t know the reason for my shaking or my other symptoms and my labs look fine. I told her that’s reassuring my labs are fine but there’s not SS labs so how are we sure we’ve ruled SS out? She rolls her eyes and huffs and leaves. She comes back with the dr and he rips open my ED room curtain and punches the light on. And he goes “Look Kid. You’re going home! You’re not in any emergency whatsoever!!” I said “no that’s fine. I just want to make sure we’ve ruled SS out as..” and he cuts me off and says “Look. You’ve had a FULL work up. Your labs are fine. You being here right now isn’t going to get you the answers you want” I said “No I understand my labs are fine, but there’s no such thing as Serotonin Syndrome labs, it’s an exclusion dx so how are we sure we’ve ruled it out?” And he goes “You know what. Let’s have psychiatry come take a look at you and do a psych eval for you. But. How about this? I’ll be nice about it. You can do it inpatient tonight, or outpatient since you’re leaving. Your choice” I was absolutely appalled by this intimidation tactic. But I could see it for what it was. He was probably emotional over the other pt’s death. Or was on a power trip and hated me having questions. Or both. So I said “I’ll do it outpatient. Thanks” and I begin taking my monitors off so I can go on home. As I’m taking my monitors off he goes “Nope. Stop. Something doesn’t seem right about you. Are you safe at home? You seem really emotional and off” just to give him something to get off my back I said “I’m good. Just about to get my period I guess” and he goes “Mm makes sense. Well sounds good kid!!” And leaves.
I complained to the hospital about it. And told them about me hearing everything about the deceased pt. Literally repeated back to them this pt name, DOB, MRN, care, etc. Cause I thought that would be a Hipaa violation? But they said they found no wrong doings and that they are satisfied with the care and “psychiatric evaluation offer” I was “offered”. Which I get they have to stand by their employees. But I guess we’ll see what the medical board has to say. What I think is incredibly interesting is that according to the hospital they addressed my SS concerns during my ED visit. So this would now mean that SS can now be diagnosed via labwork and heart and lung sounds. And no longer being on one serotonin drug AND one Hunter Criteria. Never mind the fact I was on 2 serotonin drugs and had more than one hunter criteria. And the fact that UpToDate says “there are no labs to indicate serotonin syndrome” this is now a medical catalyst!!! A complete 180 has been found by this doctor and hospital. Truly a break through. But regardless, I hope this inspires him to stop treating patients that way. Do doctors not enjoy MB complaints? Or are they no biggie?
So I don’t get deleted-
Age 33
Sex female
Height 5’6
Weight 120lb
Race mixed
Duration of complaint 3 days
Location USA
Any existing relevant medical issues NA
Current medications prozac, vyvanse

A Silence Abroad
It was on my first night in Japan that I forgot I was alone. Tokyo’s Shinjuku district greeted me with bright neon lights illuminating flocks of tourists walking shops, arcades, and food stands. And somehow, I was a very small part of it, all by myself on the other side of the world. (Maybe with the occasional tout trying to follow me around.)
Solitude is a vulnerable state, and consequently, a compromise. You seize the moment for yourself, and the space is only yours to fill, but intrusive thoughts will covertly slip through and permeate like a disease. Underneath all the lights, humanity surrounded me, enjoying a drink with friends or snapshotting a moment with family. All these people congregated here from around the world, and in spite of their differences, companionship was what they all shared together. The streets filled with the sounds of their life.
But when you feel alone, the mind tricks you into believing that you are not part of it. And you become a silent spectator, watching the phenomenon that is humanity being orchestrated in front of you. It’s a hollow feeling.
And after not speaking and hearing the sound of your own voice for a while, it becomes replaced by a solemn tone whispering empty thoughts. I tried not to listen.
Nevertheless, Tokyo was beautiful (Senso-ji temple was stunning and my favorite Japanese dessert is now age manju). One night, I even went to a Japanese hip-hop show in Shibuya and it was a wonderful experience. Getting to watch such extremely talented artists so passionate about their craft inspired me and pulled me away from ruminating loneliness for some time. I met one of the performing artists after the show and told him how much I loved his verse (despite not understanding it) and we hugged and he cried. He thanked me over and over until he started apologizing for thanking me so much. It was a special moment and I will always remember his humility. (His band is KOMOREBI - check them out!).
I also went out with some other travelers that night, trying okonomiyaki in Setagaya for the first time (it was mouthful bliss) and then went out to a punk rock concert, and a night club. I wasn’t a huge fan of the clubbing, but the company was refreshing. And like all good things, it was fleeting, and I bid my farewell to everyone that night.
I packed my things, and took a bullet train to my next stop, Kyoto. I was anticipating it, as the train zoomed south with Mount Fuji in surreal, passing view. Looking out the window, seeing my own transparent reflection, I took a breath. The train was moving at around 300 km/hour, but everything felt still and quiet. Even the parts of me that wanted to cry.
Kyoto was rich with temples and vestiges of a long, cherished history. I visited the Kyoto National Museum where I saw sculptured deities with venerable auras, parables scripted in decayed scrolls, and art that embodied Buddhist principles. I saw elevated temples monumental and grand, and others more modest and reserved. But they all stood resolutely, bearing the resilience of time and constant revival. They have felt nature’s desecration during arson and natural disasters, but throughout history, the Japanese have rebuilt and renovated them. And somehow, after enduring all this, as long as time has persisted, here they stood before me, as a testament to strength and preservation.
The long-lasting principles of Buddhism and the culture that were so deeply rooted in this country’s history must continue to live on through the structures that stood before me. Purpose is enough to withstand the cruelty of time’s passage. And the cycle of destruction and restoration that traced centuries was felt in the emanating silence only occupied by the sounds of water trickling down a rill or the occasional soft, swaying of trees. I like to think that ancient silence had touched my existence in those moments and advised me to listen.
Solitude is painful because the empty space that comes with it is congregated by the deeper parts of ourselves that seek to dwell on the purpose of our existence. It is when we are alone and quiet that obtrusive questions confront us, invoking us to listen and contemplate. And when we fail to answer gracefully, that is when the loudest and most self-destructive parts of ourselves will answer for us. The parts that are so keen in stripping our humanity from us.
After my last day in Kyoto, I packed all my things once again, and went over to my final destination, Osaka. I had only one night there. And it was an abrupt return to bustling crowds in the metropolitan. Existential silences were replaced with the sounds of humanity again. But as I walked through Dotonbori on a Friday night eating lots of warm, delicious takoyaki and skewers of Kobe beef, that feeling still returned. I knew I was unwell. And trivialities started to begrudge me and I could tell that it was time. And there would be no escaping it.
I took a taxi back to my hotel and I laid in my bed earlier than expected that night. And everything finally spilled. I cried and I cried and I cried. I was finally listening and it hurt doing so.
This solo trip was supposed to help me escape my problems, but it didn’t. When I brought myself here, I brought everything, and that included problems I wish I could have left behind. And amidst my issues, I questioned myself and my place in the world, even my very reasons for existing during times I felt like I had nobody. And albeit having wonderful moments with people throughout my trip, even strangers who treated me with grace and hospitality, that feeling still lingered and it was revealing a deeper issue. An issue not with whether I was in Japan or back home. Or whether I had people around me or I was alone. It was a deeper issue with myself.
But the silence that comes after the storm is just as serene as the silence that precedes. The older I get, the more I begin to have a respect for emotions and their function. They must be felt and I don’t think they are there to harm or sabotage us, although it might seem like it. It is a need to be heard not by others, but by ourselves. Listening to our own cries for help is scary and uncomfortable, but the silence that follows is like an aged temple still standing after centuries of cyclical adversity. Like the calm flow of water down a rill. Like the soft swaying of trees.
My 10-day solo trip was coming to an end. It was coming time to go home. I spent my last day in Tokyo walking Yoyogi Park. The sky was a clear melancholy overhead scattered, naked trees around the park. I saw couples sitting together, friends circled on picnic blankets, and some reading a book by themselves. Humanity felt beautiful that day and I was grateful to be a part of it, one last time. I packed my things once more before taking my flight back home the next day.
I love Japan and I am grateful it carved a space for me to experience all that I did. This trip will forever hold a special place in my heart. But it was not an epiphany, as much as I wished it was. I did not return home as an entirely new person with newfound happiness or certainty. I returned with the same issues I left with, the same, flawed self that was proof of what it meant to be human this whole time. Only with new experiences. And I don’t think that will change.
My humanity lives in my constant struggle of self-preservation, as I continue to unravel and understand myself as I experience, feel, and change. And perhaps that is enough purpose for my own existence, to strive for those moments of silence, where I will continue to stand resolutely in my own imperfection, alone or not.
https://open.substack.com/pub/tazwarf/p/a-silence-abroad?r=33upu9&utm_medium=ios
Link to my feedback comment: https://www.reddit.com/DestructiveReaders/comments/1cil5io/comment/l3xyw2a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

I'm at my wits end, it feels like. I'm in the US, and I'm on Medicaid, bc I have a million health issues that make getting a traditional job basically impossible, so no employer health insurance. And I feel like what this does is make doctors feel entitled to treat me like trash. I have multiple boils, some that recur for MONTHS on end and NEVER drain on their own, only to be told "take more antibiotics."
What's worse is, I'm not even 100% sure if all my issues are HS and psoriasis, or if I've got some other mystery disease lurking about. I get horrific acne, little boils under my skin in my face, I get psoriasis in my ears and hairline and elbows and back of my ears, and then I have boils of all shapes and sizes EVERYWHERE between my legs, on my pubic mound, on my butt, and on my chest! Wounds feel like they take FOREVER to heal. My mother has HS and her docs will lance or drain hers, but with me they just send me away with fing antibiotics that don't do shit.
And they're so PAINFUL. I'm also adhd and autistic, and sensory overload is real. With psoriatic arthritis, I'm already in pain a lot though it's managed through some meds. But then these fing boils just HURT all the time and REFUSE to drain on their own. Bc of that and sensory issues, I can't seem to leave them alone a lot of the time, either- they drive me literally crazy. I feel like I want to rip out that chunk of my body, if it would only make it stop HURTING.
I don't know how to effectively communicate this to doctors and have them take me seriously. I don't know if I need new antibiotics, if I need them to just lance the things, or what, but I'm so desperate for some relief. It's awful.
I have clindamycin phosphate (both lotion and liquid) for hs and triamcinolone for psoriasis. But other than making tender boils sting, I feel like the stuff for hs does nothing. I tried Humira once, and it made my face flare up like there was no tomorrow, I was miserable (more so than now). I've been prescribed methotrexate by my arthritis specialist, and he says it could potentially help with the hs as well but I'm so discouraged by the lack of help medicine has been so far, I haven't even tried it.
Why do doctors go into medicine if they don't want to help people?? It's not my fault the insurance doesn't pay you much, I'm just trying to fing survive, man. Why on earth would you look at me and talk about how little they pay you?? Do I look like I have $100s falling out of my butt??
I'm so tired.

First Previous
Dr. Dask caught herself lost in thought for what was not the first time that day. The humans were definitely up to something. She paced around her room on the outer-rim of the Lunar facility - built after the previous orbital station was deemed irredeemably outdated by modern standards.
If she’d learned anything in her 20 Earth years studying the people on the blue planet, it’s that they didn’t seem to go without a major war for very long. There were, of course, smaller conflicts and skirmishes all across the planet, as had become routine, but this extended ‘peace’, which had lasted her whole career by this point, must have meant something was off.
Some of her xenosociologist peers theorized that the humans must have, at last, realized how pointless their model of constant bloodbath is, and adopted the ‘civilized’ model of war, as indicated by the increase in their industrial capacities as well as the strengthening of their militaries despite the times of peace. Surely, her fellow scientists argued, this meant that the weapons are starting to be used as a tool of intimidation, rather than destruction and death.
The scientist thought the idea of a “civilized model of war” stupid and inherently contradictory, alas, those assertions were not the main issue she had with their theory. If humans did have a sudden realisation about the horrors they were committing on a daily basis, why were there still so many conflicts all around the world?
Not only that, but the weapons they were testing didn’t seem to be for the sole purpose of shock and awe. Of particular note was when she caught a glimpse of an artillery gun, a weapon designed to launch high-speed projectiles upwards and relying on the planet’s high gravity to bring them down into enemy lines, launching what seemed to be a regular projectile, until it fell on the ground and, rather than exploding, released a large amount of yellow-brownish gas, which surely couldn’t scare the most cowardly of Bannids, let alone a human. She did not know what the purpose of it was, but it definitely unsettled her.
Regardless, almost all of their developments seemed to be about killing each other, but better, and even the most impractical of technologies, namely “zeppelins”, as the humans called the hulking, and very flammable, masses floating above their cities, were being weaponized in one way or the other, for a purpose still shrouded in Dr. Dask’s eyes.
“Ms. Dask?” asked a meek voice, entering her room as she was still pacing around, deep in thought, “The scientists currently stationed at the observatory seem to think large amounts of troops are mobilizing, ma’am, you may want to see this.”
That pulled the scientist right out of her mental state, and heading to the observatory as fast as she could walk before it would be considered a full-blown run. “Thank you, Reylek” she said, directed at the Junior Scientist that was struggling to keep up behind her “This may be the answer I’ve been seeking for so long, we may find what they’ve been doing for all these years” she said, finally finding herself in the confines of the observatory room.
The researcher tried to keep her excitement in check. Whatever was happening, she thought, would definitely involve the deaths of thousands of sapients, as was so terribly common when human militaries got involved with something. She watched, in unabashed curiosity, as armies made of tens of thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of humans marched across the land, wielding the deadliest and most advanced weapons they had so far been able to grasp.
This was, by far, the largest armies she had ever seen. There were records of larger ones being deployed, sure, but being able to personally witness the sheer scale of such a war was truly astounding. They were still only in the mobilization phase, however, and as such the Dr. furiously took some notes and headed to the cafeteria for dinner, which had an extravagant window giving a beautiful view of Earth. The decommissioned space station also had one, and, when the new Lunar base was inaugurated, the older scientists felt quite salty about losing their favourite lookout spot and demanded that a new one be built.
By the end of the month (human calendar), however, her cautioned curiosity had already been turned into sheer terror. Fighting had broken out all across the world, the brutality of the newly developed weapons unmatched by anything she or any of her older colleagues had ever witnessed. Some of the proponents of the human enlightenment theory had locked themselves in their rooms, not being able to bear the sorrow of knowing that they could not have been any more wrong if they tried.
This continued on for untold days and weeks, casualties piling up on every side of the conflict, both soldier and civilian, in enough numbers to collapse any reasonable alien society. The humans, however, fought on, seemingly unphased.
After a few months, as the fighting still raged on from the thickest of jungles to the hottest of deserts, the main front, in the continent containing the nations who first started the war, seemed to come to a standstill. Dask, now significantly more disheveled than she was those sweet months ago before such a massively important event broke out, felt a glimmer of hope. Surely this stalemate would mean the beginning of negotiations, and a possible end to what could only be described as the worst conflict anyone in the outpost had ever witnessed.
The scientist and her colleagues were watching as both sides dug long, sinuous corridors across a field. This, she thought, would force them into peace. No army, not even a human one, would want to get stuck in such an unwinnable situation, where neither side can reliably attack each other without catastrophic losses on both sides.
The group gawked. Some of the humans along the battlefield had suddenly stopped fighting, even climbing into disputed territory, seemingly mingling with those who were their enemies just a few hours prior. This was, as Dask noted, shocked, probably the most human behaviour she’d ever seen. From a senseless bloodbath to camaraderie and care almost instantly. It further fueled her hopes of a peaceful resolution in the end, as clearly such a display of friendship together with the hopelessness of their military positions would be enough to make both sides come to their senses.
Later reports would note that this truce may have had something to do with the end of the Solar year, an occasion celebrated by nearly all humans for as far as Commonwealth records go. The armistice, though, did not last long. By the next day it may as well have never happened, much to the chagrin of the researchers, still hanging onto the slim hope that this would end soon, if not by collaboration then by hopelessness alone.
That, however, was not the case. It had been roughly 5 (human calendar) months since the seemingly random act of peace. Hundreds of thousands more had died, and at this point Dask believed the humans couldn’t actually grasp the scale of what they were doing, especially given how mysterious the actual reasons for the war still were to her. What unfathomable offense had been made for it to spark such slaughter? She did not have the answers, all she knew is that the humans did not seem at all inclined to back down.
By this point, their weapons were only one of the many sources of death and sorrow in this war. Disease ran rampant, with no proper medical facilities on the frontlines, and a lack of supplies meant that several thousands simply starved to death, not a single bullet needing to be fired to cause their demise.
The mood on the research team was somber. The war had been dragging on, and Dr. Dask wondered just how many sleepless nights were yet to come, for she couldn’t truly rest while such terrible acts were taking place so close by. The silver lining, if you could call it that, is that she’d grown somewhat jaded to human warfare, and it did not make her as nauseated as it should, and as it did in the past. Until the shells hit.
As Dask watched, projectiles came down from the sky on a human trench, though, unlike the explosions she’d grown accustomed to, they simply released large amounts of a brownish-yellow gas, which she remembered seeing all those months ago, being tested. Once it dissipated enough to see through, she understood its true purpose, and immediately wished she hadn't. Hundreds of humans, twitching, coughing, vomiting, their skins burnt despite the absence of fire, some of them eerily still, choked out by the gas that had displaced the air on the long dirt corridors.
She stared, in shock, as the other side began charging, putting on masks that deprived them of all human features and walking into the dying lines, immune to the effects of the deadly gas. They mercilessly killed anyone and everyone wearing the wrong uniform, even those already on the floor. She thought about that in contrast to that serene night in which they mingled, it was hardly believable that they were of the same species, let alone the same people altogether.
Vomit filled the observatory. The other researchers, like Dr. Dask herself, thought they were used to human antics at this point, but their ingenuity when it comes to cruelty once again proved to be unrivaled. Most others left the room, leaving the dirty work to the cleaning bots. The Dr. did not vomit, if for no other reason than that she had not yet eaten, and as such physically could not do so. She also returned to her room, no longer feeling even the remotest scientific curiosity to watch such a terrible event unfold.
Over the next several years. The war dragged on and on, mountains upon mountains of bodies piling up,the count in the millions by now, civilians included. The clothes were stripped from the dead, washed anew and given to a young, excited recruit, just for them to meet the same fate, and repeat the cycle once more. Morale among the researchers was at an all time low, many choosing to no longer accompany the fighting as closely, and some retiring from the facility entirely.
The humans, of course, did not care much for the emotions of aliens they didn’t even know the existence of, and as such only got more and more creative with their machinations, from flying machines strapped with bombs and guns, to a brand new vehicle named the “tank”, which was, by all means, a marvel of engineering for their civilization, albeit prone to constant breakdowns. All that to fuel a war which Dr. Dask was still unsure as to the cause.
Dr. Dask herself, albeit far worse-for-wear than she had been before this, kept going. While the overwhelming cruelty was evident, she could not simply ignore the random glimmers offered by the various and random acts of kindness she had seen across the war. From the truce on that night, to a random soldier helping an injured enemy combatant, to humans risking their own life and walking into the line of fire to rescue their comrades.
That’s why, when the day of the Armistice finally came, she was one of the few left from the original team still there to witness it, and, as soldiers disbanded and went home, she could only look across the cafeteria window and into the blue marble above, wondering if this troubled species could ever truly achieve peace and step into the galactic stage as new allies, rather than pariahs.

Author's Note: The masses have once again spoken. I hope you don't mind a slightly more well informed perspective this time, as I can only come up with so many excuses to force an unwitting alien to witness the horrors of war. Definitely a more somber chapter too, which I find rather appropriate for WWI. Once again this turned far larger than I originally intended and I do apologise to those who wanted a detailed, more entertaining reaction to tanks and such, though I felt like it simply would not fit properly into this particular narrative. Finally, feedback and corrections for random inaccuracies are welcome as always. Enjoy!

When it comes to post apocalyptic scenarios, there’s a ton that can be done, and I’m looking to explore that. Below, I’ll list a few ideas that we can do, but I’d love to discuss those ideas further, build on them, and even hear any new ideas you might have.
Zombie Apocalypse Perhaps this might be overused, but personally, it’s been years since I’ve had a solid zombie apocalypse story, and I’d like to do one again. They can be really fun and in depth, it gives us the option to have just our main characters, or even include some side characters if we see fit. For this, our characters can be strangers, married, whatever we want. Like I said, I’m looking for someone willing to discuss and play these out.
Nuclear Apocalypse Think Fallout, and if you haven’t played or seen Fallout, that’s fine! No knowledge of that is needed since this would be our own original story. Again, we can be whoever we want, in whatever part of the world just trying to survive, live a normal life, and make it to the next day.
Climate Apocalypse Ever seen “The Day After Tomorrow”? Great movie, I recommend it. It’s about the world falling into a state where various weather related catastrophes happen, like multiple tornadoes, floods and rain, and freezing temperatures. It would throw the world out of balance, and force people to survive various harsh conditions.
The Last People on Earth Imagine waking up, and your neighbors, coworkers, and family are gone. For days, even months, you don’t see another soul. But finally, after who knows how long, two people find each other and come to the conclusion that they are the last ones on earth. What shenanigans will they get into? How will they entertain themselves? How long will they tolerate one another? That’s up to us to find out!
Those are all of the apocalyptic type scenarios I can think of at the moment, but I’m open to other ideas! They can be medieval, fantasy, modern, sci-fi, whatever! If none of these ideas interest you, maybe we can create a whole new world, whether it’s post apocalyptic or not. World building is so much fun! See ya soon.

I am a 28 year old guy who is finally making the big move. I currently live in New England in a small town of about 60K. I have lived here since I was 5 years old. I am finally moving and leaving. All my friends and my parents live here. This is a major move for me across the country where I will not know anybody. I've always wanted to leave and have passed up opportunities before due to fear and uncertainty. Now I am moving to Austin, Texas. I will be alone and will not know anyone there. I am quite anxious and worried but deep down inside I know I need to do this to grow as a person. I've wanted to get away from the everyday mundane and familiar, to get away from old friends who seem to be going down their own live paths or not having any paths. I want to flourish and test myself as a man. I'm tired of drinking and smoking weed every weekend and not doing shit with my life. I work In a good industry and made decent money but haven't really dated and I've lived with my parents through college and after. I'm finally going on my own. My question to this group is, how do you meet new people? How do you get over anxiety? How do I put myself out there? I would love to hear guys who were older or even younger and have done this. I figured I should do it while I'm still in my 20s and at least live a little instead of just wasting my youth on mediocrity. Any advice or opinions would be helpful, thanks.

Welcome to your daily review. This is not meant to be stressful and if it makes you stressed, just skip it. It’s all good, no one is gonna judge you. A daily review can be as long or short as you wish, it’s kind of like guided journaling, you can freestyle it or use some of the questions bellow. What is important is checking in on your mood from earlier during the wellness check to how you’re feeling right now. Here are some questions you can use to guide you as you write down.
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• How would you rate your day from 0-10 (5 being that balanced middle) and why.
• Did something unexpected happened today? How did that make you feel?
• Were you able to tackle something you needed to do? (If yes, how did you feel afte if no, why is that? Maybe you set your goal to high for the time being? How can you make it easier on yourself so you can do it?)
• Did your cat (or pet) did anything cute today?
• What are your expectations for tomorrow? Do you have any goals?

These are some examples you can use to help you get started, but obviously you can review your day as you see fit. Just make sure to give today a rating, find one reason you’re proud of yourself today, and if you’re already challenging yourself into new things, what do you wish to do tomorrow. Setting achievable goals is very important, but don’t over do it. For example: I need to organize my room (I really do, jeez) but today I put away my clothes so I could sleep on my bed. That was a lot for me, but I am proud of myself for doing it. Tomorrow I am going to organize my work bag. By taking small steps I don’t set myself up for failure. You can achieve anything you want, but sometimes you’ll need to take things slowly, and that’s okay too.

use this template
I'm a [BLANK] (poolie, junior enlisted, officer's wife, 500lb PFC dependant living on roach row for BAH, ect)
and I just saw [BLANK]/did [BLANK] (something about a cracker barrel, a subway, stolen starbucks energy drink, getting a DUI in a government vehicle)
from here it becomes more freeform, you can use some reliable oldies(gunny's third divorce, sometimes the barracks bunny is a man and that's okay, its okay if you wear boot bands, I'm on duty and just saw my favorite stripper go into LCpl schmuckatelli's room, Master guns' daughter, field day is in 3 seconds what do i do(attach picture of filthy room) ect)
end with a comment about how the Corps has gone soft or that you miss being in or that you hate it here.
feel free to fill in like a Mad Lib

What's up guys and girls. I just got out of a 2 year relationship. Ex gf emotionally cheated on me, so I left. I felt crushed and alone because she was my everything, my lover, partner, best friend, supporter, everything. But now I am all I have. But now after 5 weeks I am feeling better. I have used the negativity and lonelieness and sadness and pain as energy to drive myself forward. And you don't need a breakup to learn this way! Here's my tips on how to become happier during your alone periods:

1. Journaling. Journaling helped me a lot to think thorough of my weaknesses, flaws, and strengths. It helps you observe yourself to better understand yourself. It's best to do this with a clear head so you're not biased against yourself. At first it may seem pointless since you're just writing it, but that's the point. Thats the start to self realization by knowing what and who and why you are the way you are.
2. Forgive yourself. Whether you messed up by trusting the wrong person, not being good enough, having any anger issues, not trying hard enough. Forgive yourself, do not burden yourself with yourself. Forgive yourself and ask yourself what you can do to change whatever it is you're giving yourself a hard time with. Forgiving yourself and learning to love yourself is a big step to living a peaceful life because you may underestimate what you can do in a year, 2 years, 3 years, 10 and even 20 years. Your life goes on and even though you may not like this chapter you're in right now you can always make changes to create better ones.
3. Go out for a walk under the sun! Does not matter if it's too hot or too cold. Exercise stimulates your brain and body to relaxation, and after walking for so many miles I'm sure it won't seem much of a chore after. Plus, you can also lose weight if that's a goal of yours. If walking under the sun, or even jogging, is something you would never do then give it multiple tries. It helps you push out of your "comfort zone" which is probably just sleeping around (I know my comfort was sleeping my days away depressingly). You can also listen to self help videos or podcasts while you walk. You may learn some new methods of quotes that you can implement into your life!
4. Avoid the junk food! Also known as comfort food! Too many carbs makes you feel lazy, which in turn mixes with your negative emotions. Making you even more glued to your bed. Or sofa. Instead, eat an apple or banana or another fruit. Or simply drink water! Your body will thank you for it in the long run. 😌
5. Pick up a healthy hobby. If you like to drink or smoke, cut back on it as much as you can. Make goals to quit those vices. Instead, learn to play the guitar, learn a skill like plumbing or wiring or carpentry, learn another language. You can also volunteer at animal shelters and walk dogs! They'll love you in return. Or you can feed the street pigeons. Helping out little critters like cats, dogs, pigeons or others can make you feel better about yourself. You'd be surprised how much they'd want to be around you or even snuggle up to you. Or even just ask your boss for longer hours! You just have to keep yourself busy from having too much time to think about anything negative.
6. Avoid social media: Social media only shows people's highlights and pushes the "you're either with me or against me" kind of mentality when you're watching reels of the top people, which leads to a certain identity loss for people who've yet to discover themselves. Plus it can get very toxic in the comment section.

Well those are the major things that have helped me to see brighter days while living alone. I hope you all find peace within yourselves because it is mostly found there (I say mostly because maybe some of you live in high crime areas or live with abusive family members). Remember to love yourself because at the end of the day you're all you have, so be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to hit me up and I'll get to you when I can. I know what it's like to struggle alone, to have nobody by your side. That's why I'm here to help. Best of luck to yall 🙏💪

I have always been quite sensitive to other people but, now I’m extremely sensitive to the world around me and find spending my time alone meditating best. I’m currently in the process of getting rid of all my belongings so I can go and live in nature away from the world to figure out what’s going on, grow and know. I have no interest in friendships or family or anything else this material world has to offer and I am totally content with this.
For the past six weeks I’ve been feeling ‘out of this world’ sensations in my head and hands, but I also feel energy moving all throughout my body (although this part is nothing new to me).
The sensation in or above my head is always there from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. These feelings vary a lot… it used to be just intense pressure like the weight of another person sitting on my head, if the direction of the feeling was directed upwards (once it felt like my head might actually pop off and shoot upwards). Now it’s usually just a feeling of presence or a sucking feeling pulling up through the top of my head.. Once or twice it felt like a very pleasurable cool breeze, it felt great. Often my whole head feels like it’s vibrating with energy, I feel every cell tingling, out of my physical head even, sometimes my head feels massive, other times my head feels like it’s dimensionally stuck into that position, perfectly frozen still (just writing this my head is popping with energies 🙂). Other times my whole head is weightless. These feeling really do vary a lot, strange strange things are happening inside my head.
I feel pressure between my eyes when someone walks past me. Almost like I can feel their attention is on me. This pressure feels like pushing your thumb into your head. Other times I feel this randomly when nobody is around.
I cannot feel my body when I meditate. Sometimes it feels like I’m a bundle of pure energy growing bigger than my physical body. Sometimes it’s like I’m floating. I know what it feels like be totally empty, to let go of this physical body cell by cell. However I’m sure if I continue to let go something crazy might happen as I start to become something else. It does take me a couple hours before I can begin exploring these feelings. I like to meditate as much as I can handle but I do have my limits. Usually a couple hours from the moment I wake up, couple hours in the day and a couple hours before sleep.
I’ve been having all these kool ideas for years which I would later read or learn about elsewhere. It’s like I know things I shouldn’t know and I don’t know how. Unforgettable dreams which I documented about a year ago have been happening in my life recently! Happening exactly. Not just the audio or visuals but more importantly the feelings deep inside my spirit which I distinctively remember from my dreams (I couldn’t stop thinking about these dreams for weeks after I experienced them). It’s like we have a communication of emotions through our spirits which words cannot describe. The language of the spirit is too profound for words.
A lot of other weird ‘out of this world’ things have been happening too that I don’t feel comfortable sharing as everyone seems to think I’m crazy!!
I am now aware that we are not actually in control of our own minds/thoughts. There are many other forces outside of this physical dimension in play and a lot of information/conditioning we’ve been marinating in our whole life’s which is a lie.
These are very distinctive strong experiences/feelings that simply cannot be mistaken for anything else I’ve ever experienced or heard exists in my lifetime. And I can assure you I’m not crazy like what people keep telling me.. If anyone has any information or insight on what might be happening to me, please do get in touch!! Many thanks!
P.S I am aware I need a ‘proper guru’ however, I don’t have one so until one randomly appears to me I will have to sort through the minefield of information the internet has to offer.
May you have a joy filled, productive and creative day!

Branch: Semi-Serious
Main Language: English
Timezone: EST
Operation Times: Starts at 7:30 - 9300 PM EST everyday or every other day
Operation Type: Modern, Si-Fi, Vietnam/More
Required Mods: ,ALL CUP MOD's, RHS MODS, ACE, KAT, More
Other essential info: [NOOB Friendly] we are a small unit and looking to grow a nice friendly community for people to have fun and make friends along the way we do like to joke around during our OP's but when its time we do get serious.
===========================================
If you are new to the game that is perfectly fine, We have a basic training that we have newer players go through. If you are experienced and able to prove that you know your stuff, we aren't going to make you sit through a lecture that is filled with stuff you already know how to do.
We run our unit on a certification system, so if you want to do anything special such as fly, be a medic, you have to show us that you are able to do so, and if not, we will be more than happy to teach you.
Age limit: 13+(exceptions may be made
Discord:https://discord.gg/PaJfEcYQWS

I won’t be using real names as I don’t want anyone to find out at the moment. This is extremely unusual and complicated that I really need an outside perspective.
During my sophomore year of high school, about seven years ago, I met a guy whom we'll call Charlie. At the time, we were both in separate relationships, but we hit it off as great friends despite having very little in common and polar opposite personalities.
Over the next year, we both became single and decided to pursue a romantic relationship. He was my first true love, and we essentially grew into adulthood together. Everything was great, we had LOADS of inside jokes and great trust in each other. Despite our strong bond, we constantly fought over little shit and struggled to see eye to eye. When I got emotional, Charlie would often withdraw, "I'm done talking to you until you stop crying." He was more logical and less emotionally supportive, which created friction between us. Our differing life goals further strained our relationship. I wanted children at a young age and dreamed of moving out of state, whereas Charlie preferred to stay put and have children much later in life.
This led to three breakups over four years, with long periods of separation each time. Despite our differences, we always found our way back to each other as friends, like magnets. But would then re-enter a romantic relationship. Looking back, I realize we were better off as friends, but Charlie always wanted more. I repeatedly entered romantic relationships with him because I feared losing him for good.
Our last breakup was in October 2022, and surprisingly, I felt nothing. I moved on quickly, focusing on my new job and dating other guys. In November 2022, I met my now-fiancé, and our relationship progressed rapidly, resulting in an unexpected pregnancy just 3 months in. I'm genuinely happy with my fiancé and our life we built together and wouldn't change it for the world. However, over the past six months, thoughts of Charlie have consumed me. I dream about him every night, but these dreams are not romantic—they simply involve us talking, as if no time has passed at all. This has significantly impacted my mental state, and I'm unsure how to move forward.
I don’t miss Charlie romantically, we were not compatible on that level. What I miss deeply is our bond, our inside jokes, and simply talking to him as a friend. I am confused as I was completely fine for over a year and now suddenly it feels like a heavy weight on my chest. I’m constantly on the verge of tears, grieving Charlie as if he died. I want to reach out to him, to know how he's doing, whether he got his dream job, but I hesitate because I fear Charlie may resent me for moving on so quickly. I also don’t want to disrespect my fiancé and our relationship.
This is consuming me, and I can’t tell anyone I know because they will misunderstand my feelings. How do I cope? How can I get over this lost friendship and this person I will probably never talk to or see again? I’ve never had a bond like me and him had. Charlie was my platonic soulmate and he’s now forever gone. It’s breaking my heart. I desperately need help.