Welcome to KDRAMA, a community where kdrama watchers gather to discuss their favorite dramas!
This KDRAMA Guide is an automated weekly post that introduces our community features, resources, rules, and answers some FAQs. Use this guide to help you navigate around our community and find resources easily!
Full Rules and Policies
We are an actively moderated community, please review our full Rules and Policies before participating in our community. Content and conduct that violates our Rules and Policies will be removed.
Note that the sidebar rules widget in New Reddit contains only a very abbreviated version of our full rules, please do not rely on them to contest any moderation actions, use our full Rules and Policies.
Browsing the Subreddit
Our subreddit is most optimized for browsing on desktop in New Reddit where we make maximize use of the sidebar to share the most updated information and resources (eg. schedule of On-Air discussions, links to most commonly used resources and featured posts), we encourage newcomers to view our subreddit on desktop to see all the information. Additionally, due to problems with official Reddit mobile apps, some of the links we have in the sidebar or posts do not work on mobile. If you are having trouble accessing links, please switch to desktop access.
We strongly recommend browsing our community feed sorted by new to see the latest discussion posts.
To view all resources in and information about our subreddit, see our wiki.
Note: /KDRAMA measures time in KST - Korean Standard Time (UTC +9) so all references to time or date relate to that time-zone.

Participating & Posting In Our Subreddit

Participating

Our community strives to be a friendly and safe space where our community members can participate and enjoy discussions about kdramas. To that end, we ask participants to be kind to each other, by remembering the human both behind and on the screen -- including the actors and actresses and staff members that makes the drama. Harassment, threats, bullying, personal attacks, racism, hate speech, and other similar negative behaviors are prohibited in this subreddit.
There are consequences for what you post. Remember that others do not have to tolerate insults, harassment, racism, sexism, or any other types of negative behavior. While we are not a support subreddit, we aim to be supportive of each other in our love for kdramas.
Before participating within our subreddit, please read our conduct Policies, Rules, and Reddiquette to understand what type of civil behavior and discourse is expected in our community. Also read our When Discussions Get Personal for explanations and tips to maintain civil discourse within our community and elsewhere in life.
Let's all live by the Korean proverb 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다 -- If the outgoing words are beautiful, then the incoming words will be beautiful, too.

Posting

New to our community and daunted by our Rules and Policies for posting? The best way to start your interaction with our community is by participating in our scheduled posts or On-Air Discussions. There's at least one per day of the week so that there is always a post you can participate in. These posts are very friendly and community-oriented -- a great way to dip your toe into conversations without the pressure of making a post. This will help newcomers to our subreddit get a better feel for the style and type of discourse in our community, which may be much more actively moderated in comparison to other spaces.
Scheduled Recurring Discussions
Our scheduled posts consists of two types: themed and free-for-all. Themed discussions cover a variety of topics frequently discussed by kdrama watchers. Free-for-all (FFA) discussion posts are our general chat discussion posts where as long as you abide by our conduct rules and Reddiquette, you can share whatever you like, including content completely unrelated to kdramas. See full detailed explanations of our scheduled posts.

Weekly Scheduled Posts	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
AM	-	-	Who, What, Where Is It?	Throwback Thursday 2.0	-	Late To The Party	Eun Sang's Sleepy Sunday Soliloquy (FFA)
PM	Monday Madness (FFA)	Kim Tan's Talk Time (FFA)	What Are You Watching	Kim Tan's Talk Time (FFA)	Weekend Wrap Up (FFA)	Things I Spotted This Week	-
:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:
Monthly Scheduled Posts	Top 10 Kdramas (7th)	Kdramas Made Me Do It (10th)	Refund My Time (14th)	Yes, No, Maybe (21st)	Dramas I Have Dropped (28th)	-	-
-	For all the list makers among us. List your favourite dramas - you choose the number and the category.	Share our joy and embarrassment at all the things Kdramas “made” us do.	Lament about a drama we wish we'd never watched -- one that makes us want a refund of our time.	Present a short review and a "final verdict" on whether we would recommend the dramas we've watched this past month to others.	Discuss the dramas that didn't win you over in the past month.	-	-
:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:
Quarterly Scheduled Posts	Best OST	Streaming Services	Make A Wish	Watching Habits And Advice	-	-	-
-	4th of March, June, September & December	11th of January, April, July, & October	1st of February, May, August & November	25th of March, June, September & December	-	-	-
-	Discussion of the OSTs that we love and just can't get out of our heads.	Discussion of everything related to legal streaming services. Share your experiences and ask for help finding the best one in your region.	Share one's aspirations about dream or alternate casting, remakes, adaptations, and creative writing.	For reflecting on one's watching habits and advice for how to choose which dramas to watch.	-	-	-
:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:	:-:
Biannual Scheduled Posts	Share Your Kdrama Related Resource	-	Check Out Our KDRAMA Resources	-	SPOTLIGHT ON	-	-
-	18th of March & September	-	Posted on a 6 monthly cycle	-	Posted on a 6 monthly cycle	-	-
-	Share, promote, and discover other subreddits and resources related to kdramas.	-	Series highlighting various resources of our subreddit.	-	Series which highlights dramas of certain genres / themes.	-	-

On-Air Discussions
On-Air Discussions are dedicated weekly discussion posts for currently airing dramas. They are hosted by volunteers from the community to create a dedicated space each week to discuss what has happened in that drama for that week. On-Air drama discussions reduce clutter on the front page of the subreddit by centralizing discussion and all related content, such as news updates, previews, interviews, behind the scenes videos, etc.. For currently airing dramas with On-Air discussions, no other discussion posts are allowed, see our full Rules for details.
A schedule of current On-Airs can be seen in our sidebar. See the latest On-Air discussions and here is our On-Air Discussions Roster, which links all our previous On-Air discussions.
Want to learn more about our On-Air Discussions system? Feel passionately about an upcoming drama and want to host its weekly On-Air Discussions? See our full explanation, guidelines and policies on On-Air Discussions here.
Drama Reviews
We welcome well-written detailed drama reviews. Reviews should be for completed series only -- that is the series has finished airing all of its episodes and the reviewer has watched the entire drama. Reviews where the reviewer has not fully completed the drama will be removed. For those that just want to write a short blurb about a drama, feel free to share in any of our weekly discussion threads instead. See our tips on how to write a helpful review.
Reviews are moderated according to our moderation guidelines for reviews for content. Other rules and policies, such as On-Air or review megathread rules, still apply. Notably, reviews are subject to moderation for frequency under our Rehashed Discussions rule.
Fanart And Memes
We have a Designated Day, currently every Tuesday from 00:00-23:59 KST (UTC +9), on which we allow our members to attempt to share one (1) self posts of either qualified Fanart or Memes on KDRAMA. Fanart and meme posts are not permitted outside of Designated Days. Please review our Designated Day rules fully before submission.
News
We are not a news oriented subreddit though they are permitted as posts with restrictions on type of and source of news. Please fully review our Rules and Polices on news items before submission. If you are seeking to be kept updated with any entertainment news other than official casting news, we strongly recommend you seek out other sources beyond our subreddit such as Soompi.
OST And Promotional Material
We only allow official OSTs and promotional material (previews, teasers, posters) in our subreddit with restrictions on frequency and airing status of dramas. Please fully review our Rules on OSTs and promotional material before submission. There are post title requirements, please follow them.

FAQs

About Subreddit

Why Is My Post Not Showing Up?
Our subreddit has certain filters in place to identify submissions that potentially require moderation action.
If you have made a post and it does not immediately show up in the community feed, it is possible that the post has been filtered out. Please DO NOT make reposts or immediately contact the moderation team for review of your post. Filtered posts automatically enter our moderation queue and will be reviewed by a moderator. Please allow at least 24 hours for moderation action to be taken. If no further moderation action has been taken on your post (either approval or removal with notice) after 24 hours, please contact the moderation team via Modmail for assistance.
How Do I Seek Clarification About Or Contest A Moderation Action?
If you have received a removal comment from a human moderator (not AutoModerator) and wish to seek clarification or contest the removal, reply to the comment left by the moderator. Do not send private messages or chats to individual moderators about moderation actions, we consider such behavior moderator harassment. See our Policies for more information.
Note, do not reply to AutoModerator comments, the moderation team does not receive notifications for replies to comments left by the Automoderator.
What Are Moderators And What Do They Do?
Moderators are users that help manage a subreddit community by moderating the content that is allowed in the community, establishing and communicating relevant rules and policies, and engaging with other community members. More Detailed Explanation
How Do I Customize My User Flair?
Customizable user flairs are enabled in our community (the little banner following usernames). User flairs are subreddit-specific and can be used to show off your personality or favorite dramas. Our User Flair Guide shows you how to set your user flair on desktop in both Old and New Reddit.
How Do I Make Spoiler Tags?
Hate being spoiled? So do we, which is why we ask our community to use spoiler tags abundantly in order to prevent this. Reddit formatting allows for a few different ways to create spoilers. See our Spoiler Tag Tutorial to learn how do make them.
How Do I Format Things In Markdown?
Need help formatting? Want to know how to do italics and super^scripts and bold things? Check our Formatting and Markdown Guide.
What Are The Dramas In The Banner?
Info here.
Where Can I Find All Subreddit Resources?
On New Reddit sidebar, we have linked the most used resources. Otherwise our wiki landing page has links to and brief explanations of all the resources in our community.
Is There A Subreddit Discord?
Yes, here.

About Kdramas

Where Can I Watch Kdramas?
See our non-exhaustive list of legal streaming sources from around the world where you can watch kdramas. We also have a list of popular official Youtube channels for webdramas.
Please note that linking, mentioning, or promotion of any illegal sources (eg. non-licensed streaming sites, torrent sites, personally uploaded videos, download links, etc.) is strictly prohibited and will result in an immediate ban. Promotion includes soliciting users to PM for links to illegal sources.
What Dramas Should I Watch?
If you are looking for your next drama, check out our sister sub kdramarecommends, the single best place to ask for kdrama recommendations. You can ask for recommendations based on your preferences or you can ask if a drama you are considering is worth watching. Check their Getting Started Guide before you post to familiarize yourself with that sub, and their Recommendations 101 to help you craft the perfect recommendation request post. If you don't know where to start or want to browse past recommendations, check out the awesome What to Watch Next wiki for our complete archive of recommendations gathered over the past years.
Note, drama recommendation requests are not permitted as self-posts in KDRAMA. Posts will be removed and redirected to kdramarecommends.
Is There A Site For Tracking Dramas?
A popular site used by many kdrama watchers for tracking dramas is MyDramaList -- the site has profiles of dramas, actors/actresses, and drama reviews/ratings.
I'm New To Kdramas, What Basics Should I Know?
For new watchers of kdramas, we strongly recommend taking a read through our basic FAQ, our KDRAMAS 101, and our Glossary as a starting point to get to know and understand kdramas better.

The next morning, Kimiko woke up early. She sat up in the couch's pullout bed, and looked over to Himiko and Tomiko, who were still fast asleep. Kimiko grinned deviously and whispered a spell. A soft, crimson glow began to emanate from her body for a few seconds. When Kimiko jumped out of the bed, a copy of her remained, sitting upright just as she had been doing.
"Nyeh...go to sleep," she whispered to her doppelganger. Wordlessly, the doppelganger obeyed and shut its eyes. "Perfect," Kimiko said to herself. She slinked over to the back door and silently opened and closed it. Then, she ran over to Hope House and rang the doorbell a few times. A sleepy Makoto answered the door, his eyes widening when he noticed Kimiko.
"Huh? What are you doing here so early?!" he exclaimed.
"Go get Junko," Kimiko demanded impolitely.
"Junko?!" Makoto repeated.
"Is there an echo in here?" Kimiko scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"Well...I don't think that Junko is-" Makoto began.
"Awake?" Junko finished for him as she appeared next to Makoto. She was holding the shopping bags from the day before. "I'm very much awake. Thank you, Makoto."
"Huh?" Makoto blinked at her in confusion. "Um...why are you two-"
"Butt out!" Kimiko snapped. Makoto gaped in stunned silence, while Junko eyed him with a smug grin.
"Nicely done, Kimiko," she said. "But, she's right, Makoto. This has nothing to do with you, so I highly suggest you keep your nose out of our business."
"O-Oh...okay. S-Sorry," Makoto stammered, lowering his head abashedly as he walked away in humiliation. Junko turned back to Kimiko.
"Ready to go to the beauty salon?" she asked.
"Would I be here if I wasn't?" Kimiko replied sassily. Junko laughed heartily.
"Oh, you..." she cooed, pinching Kimiko's cheek, which hurt quite a bit. Kimiko rubbed her sore cheek. "Oh! And while we're getting our hair done, why don't you tell me some of your juicy gossip?" Kimiko frowned in confusion.
"Oh, but...I only do that when I'm the one giving the makeovers," she said. "I thought you wanted me to give you one."

"Well...it's not that I don't want you to give me one, it's just that it would be better if we shared gossip while we both get makeovers," Junko replied with a sweet smile. "Besides, you really need-...er, I mean, deserve one, don't you think?" Kimiko brightened.
"Yeah, okay!" she replied, nodding her head eagerly.
Good, because if I have to keep looking at her hideous face for too much longer, I think I'm going to puke, Junko thought to herself. Then, she continued to give Kimiko her overly-saccharine grin. "Good!" she replied. "C'mon! We can't be late!" Transferring the shopping bags to her other hand, Junko held Kimiko's hand and walked with her to the beauty salon.
***
At breakfast, Kiki was silent as she nibbled on her breakfast cinnamon roll in her family's dining room later that morning. She was lost in thought about how to break Junko's spell on Kimiko. She giggled at the irony of those words.
"Darling, what is so funny?" Kiki's mother asked.
"Hm? Oh...nothing, mother," Kiki replied.
"You're quieter than usual, honey," Kiki's father said. "Anything the matter?"
"Well..." Kiki started, chewing slowly. "...Actually, I wanna ask you guys a question."
"Fire away!" Kiki's father nodded.
"Darling, you should say 'I want to ask a question,'" Kiki's mother chided. "'Wanna' is street talk!"
"Shhh, Akiko! I wanna hear the question," Kiki's father said, pressing his finger against his lips.
"Ugh! You, too, Akio?!" she cried.
"Well...anyways..." Kiki muttered. "Hypothetically speaking, let's say I have a friend who I really like hanging out with, but they found someone, um...'cool' to hang out with instead of me, because the person was kiiiinda manipulative, and my friend basically ditched me. What do you think I should I do?"
"Ditch them back!" Kiki's mother replied. Kiki and her father stared at her in surprise.
"Well...I don't know how you can just 'ditch them back,' but I'm still pretty surprised at your answer, dear," Kiki's father said.
"Well, if they don't care for your company anymore, why should you care for theirs?" Kiki's mother simply replied, patting her bun haughtily.
"You really think that, mom?" Kiki asked, feeling her heart sink.
"Indeed," Kiki's mother nodded firmly.
"Dad?" Kiki asked, turning to her father. Her father rubbed his chin in thought.
"I think I have to concur with your mother, honestly," he replied after a while. Kiki's face fell. Maybe it was a mistake to call Kimiko her friend after all. Her father seemed to pick up on her expression. "Unless that person is an important friend," he added. "Then, maybe you'd be able to get through to them." Kiki brightened a little. That was similar to what Kokichi had told her. Her father gave her a small smile.
"You really think so, dad?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes, do you really?" Kiki's mother asked, frowning.
"Yeah...since the 'cool' person was manipulating your friend," Kiki's father answered. "If they're a really good friend, I'm sure you wouldn't want them under the influence of that 'cool' person. Especially if it sounds like the 'cool ' person was intending to separate you and your friend up in the first place. I'm not saying they were, but, to me, that's how I interpreted it. But, if that's the case, there's always a reason for that." Kiki tilted her head as she mulled that over. She had been wondering why Junko targeted Kimiko specifically. It couldn't be because she was just that easily to manipulate. There had to be a reason, but what was it?
"Well...I suppose that is true," Kiki's mother admitted. "Still, I personally would not make such a fuss over someone I once considered a friend, but turned out to be a backstabbing viper in the end. Best to kick a person like that out of your life as quickly as possible."
"Wow, honey! I did not expect that from you at all!" Kiki's father said with a slight chuckle.
"That's just the way it is, so there," Kiki's mother said, taking a bite out of her breakfast. "Is that all you wanted to ask us, Aki, darling?" Kiki nodded.
"Pretty much," she replied.

"Are you sure this is all just hypothetical, honey?" Kiki's father asked, raising a brow.
"It is, don't worry," Kiki lied. She hated lying to her parents, but she didn't want them to be involved. "I asked just in case it happens in the future." Kiki's parents exchanged skeptical glances, but Kiki's father nodded to her.
"Okay, sweetheart," he said. Kiki lowered herself from her chair.
"I'm going over to Kokichi's," she said. Her parents waved goodbye to her. What her father had told her might be some valuable information, and Kiki was determined to get some answers. She set off on her own, hoping to find them.
Part Eight
Kiki arrived at Hope House later that morning. She figured Kimiko would be there, since Junko was all Kimiko would talk about, lately. She rang the doorbell. Sakura answered. Kiki's eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened with fascination.
"Whoa! You are a cool-lookin' dude!" she breathed. "Buuuut...why are you wearing a skirt?"
"I'm a girl," Sakura replied kindly. Kiki puckered her lips with embarrassment.
"Oh..." she mumbled. Then, she blushed and sheepishly rubbed her head. "Um...haha...sorry. I'm usually not the flexible type, and, yet, I have no problem sticking my foot in my mouth," she joked. Sakura smiled and nodded.
"It's okay," she said. "I know you didn't mean it. Did you need something?"
"Well...I was wondering if Junko is here?" Kiki asked.

"Sorry. Junko is out today," Sakura replied. A look of determination crossed Kiki's face. It wasn't what she was expecting to hear, but it's what she wanted to hear at the moment. "Would you like me to relay a message?" Sakura continued.
"No, thank you," Kiki shook her head. "Actually, I was wondering if you could answer some questions I have about her." Sakura shook her head apologetically.
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't know much about her to answer any questions you might have about her," she admitted.
"Hmm...is there someone else who might know?" Kiki asked.
"Well...Junko does have a twin sister, Mukuro," Sakura replied. "Maybe you'd like to ask her?" Kiki thought for a moment. Her gut was telling her not to talk to this Mukuro girl. Especially since they were sisters. Mukuro might inform Junko about their encounter together. Kiki decided against it.
"Mmm...I'm looking for someone more...secretive," Kiki replied. "Know anybody like that?" Sakura raised her brow, then smiled.
"Come in. I'll take you to her," she said. Kiki nodded and followed Sakura inside. Sakura led her upstairs to the girls' rooms and knocked on the door at the end of the hallway. Kyoko answered the door.
"Sakura? What's going on?" she asked. Sakura gestured to Kiki.
"I think this little girl has some business with you," she replied. Kyoko eyed Kiki up and down.
"Very well, then," Kyoko said with a nod. "Come on in." Kiki followed Kyoko inside her and Celeste's room. From her side of the room, Celeste watched with curiosity as Kyoko gestured over to a desk chair for Kiki to sit in. Kyoko sat on her bed and folded her hands on her lap. "What can I do for you?" Kiki looked warily over to Celeste.
"Oh! I suppose you want me to leave?" Celeste asked.
"If it's not too much trouble," Kiki replied with an apologetic shrug.
"Not at all," Celeste replied. She stood up from her elegant black and red desk chair, and exited the room in a graceful stride. Kiki turned to Kyoko, eyeing her with some suspicion, as well.
"You seem like an intelligent girl," Kyoko observed. "But, I'm usually the wary one, considering that I, myself, am a detective." Kiki blinked.
"But...I thought Shuichi was the Ultimate Detective," she said.
"If you knew that, why didn't you go to him for help?" Kyoko asked curiously.
"Because you're the detective that lives in the same house as the person I'm having a problem with," Kiki replied. "And I'm hoping to gather some intel about that person."

"So, you're playing detective yourself, I see," Kyoko said with an impressed smile.
"In a way," Kiki nodded. She felt like she could trust Kyoko. After all, detectives weren't supposed to discuss their cases so openly. Not that Kiki had a true case to be solved, but she figured Kyoko would keep quiet about it anyway, just as Sakura had said.
"Well, then...what would you like to know?" Kyoko asked.
"My friend, Kimiko Yumeno, is under Junko's influence," Kiki explained. Kyoko knitted her eyebrows as she listened. "I don't know why she specifically targeted her, though."
"Yumeno? As in Himiko Yumeno," Kyoko deduced. "Are they sisters?" Kiki nodded. "I see." Kiki further explained the situation, about Kimiko's crush on Kokichi, about Kimiko's broken heart, and about Junko basically taking over Kimiko's life. "And you're wondering why Junko seemed to favor Kimiko over you, correct?" Kiki nodded.
"I think there's a reason for that, but I don't know what it is," she replied. "I thought that maybe you'd know something about Junko that I don't. Like, maybe she's using Kimiko, but I don't know for what purpose."
"Well, I admit that I don't know all the details, but...perhaps it's due to past experiences between Junko and Himiko," Kyoko replied. Kiki frowned.
"What kind of experiences?"
"The one that sticks out to me the most is the 'Not-Your-Talent Show,'" Kyoko explained. "It was a talent show where we Ultimates had the opportunity to showcase a side talent of ours unrelated to our ultimate talents. Himiko and some of the other girls wanted to form a band that would require Mukuro to be in it. To do that, they had to ask Junko's permission. Junko agreed to give Mukuro to them...under the condition that Himiko would have to give up dating Kokichi if they didn't win the talent show. And if Himiko continued to date him, even after losing, Junko would dig up some dirt on Himiko and expose her." Kiki's eyes widened.
"Was that the only time?" Kiki asked.
"The more I think about it, there was another time where Himiko turned down Junko's offer to go to the mall with her," Kyoko explained. "As far as I know, Junko and Himiko have been at odds with each other many times in the past, for whatever reason," Kyoko answered.
"So, you don't know why?" Kiki pressed. Kyoko shook her head, then paused in thought.
"I suppose it's simply because Himiko has, in a way, 'triumphed' over Junko in the past, which is something that bothers Junko," she surmised. Kiki's mind was made up now. Junko was using Kimiko to get dirt on Himiko out of revenge! And Kimiko was willing to tell her anything, especially about her magic. And who knows what would happen after that? Kiki absolutely had to do something before it was too late.
"Thank you for your time," Kiki said, standing up from the chair. "I have to go now. I think my detective game just got more serious."
"Just a second. Do you need any help?" Kyoko offered.
"No," Kiki replied, shaking her head. "But, I definitely have to find Junko. Do you know where she is?"
"I'm sorry. I don't," Kyoko replied. "But, a classmate of mine said that Junko was holding shopping bags full of the outfits she had purchased yesterday, so maybe that could be a clue?" Kiki frowned.
"She couldn't be returning those clothes?" she wondered aloud. "Especially since Kimiko didn't even try them on."
"Maybe Junko brought those bags with her so that they could wear their new clothes from wherever they went," Kyoko suggested. Kiki considered this possibility. If that were the case, why would she bring her and Kimiko's outfits to a place? Why not put them on first, and then go to the place? Suddenly, a memory flashed through Kiki's mind from before about Kimiko offering to give Junko a makeover. Kiki didn't know how well Kimiko could give a makeover, but she figured Junko didn't want to find out. So, she thought of the best place for Junko and Kimiko to get a makeover, then change into their new outfits for a complete look. She turned to Kyoko.
"Is there a spa, or a beauty salon, or something, nearby?" she asked hopefully.

INTRO: First, thanks to the moderator for letting me post this here!
Not sure I've seen it mentioned anywhere, but GLAMORAMA turns 25 this year. Back in January I re-read it, then went straight into LUNAR PARK, then IMPERIAL BEDROOMS again. It's a quick succession of novels for Ellis, spanning exactly ten years (1999-2009), and it's almost exactly ten years removed from his previous novel (AMERICAN PSYCHO, '91) and ten years removed from the 2020 debut of THE SHARDS (podcast form).
I thought it was an interesting island of literary productivity, and started to see an arc of artistic development. GLAMORAMA is a social novel about feeling increasingly alienated by a popular culture he doesn't understand; LUNAR PARK is a satire in which he's officially on the outside of the culture, in the suburbs, living like an exile; in IMPERIAL BEDROOMS is his first book totally untethered from social commentary (though you can argue there's satire in Rip's awful face and the politics of Hollywood...).
So I wrote a piece about how Ellis goes through this creative arc, from the social to the personal, then disappears for another decade, works on screenplays and the podcast, ultimately generating a new kind of protagonist (the podcaster persona) and suggesting a new trilogy: WHITE, THE SHARDS, and maybe his forthcoming "movie book," all of which are way more personal and searching than whatever he would have published in previous decades.
Let me know if any of that rings a bell! Many thanks, again, to the mod, and much love to anybody who gives the piece a look!

BRET EASTON ELLIS'S ACCIDENTAL MID-LIFE CRISIS TRILOGY

Every Wednesday at noon I listen to The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast on Patreon where Ellis, famously the author of American Psycho and, most recently, The Shards, has for a long time opened his show with a fifteen- to thirty-minute monologue focused on movies. Usually from the ‘70s or ‘80s. And they’re great. Eloquent without sounding written; conversational without sounding lax. What I think I like most about those monologues (when occasionally he still has time to write one) is that they straddle the fence, voicewise, between Ellis’s public persona—the one with a kind of grungy Gen X eye-rolling groan about everything, the guy who can’t remember the names of celebrities or restaurants or what he had for dinner, just very blasé about everything—but then pairs it with his literary voice. Which is the opposite.
Super meticulous, detail-oriented; not just in the way his narrators talk about things but in the prose style too.
And it was hard to tell at first if parts of these monologues might’ve been a joke, like when he gets into the weeds on release dates or an actor’s childhood, because part of the satire in American Psycho is that, while nobody can be bothered to care much about anything they’re doing or eating and everyone seem totally oblivious to the world outside their social/professional orbit, Ellis tells the story through a narrator who notices (and obsesses and panics and fawns) over every little detail: walks us for three pages through his skincare routine, compares the different shades of white on everyone’s business card. Then he does something similar in Glamorama (which I just re-read for its 25th anniversary) whose narrator, Victor Ward, is oblivious to everything around him except when it comes to his career, fashion trends, party planning…
In those cases he’s hyper aware, notices everything down to the famous “specks” of the opening paragraph, the original cover design.
Not to say his performance on the podcast is a contrivance or that he’s doing one long bit; just that it’s hard not to notice how Bret, the podcast narrator, is as attentive to the details of a movie production as Patrick Bateman (thinks he is) to the production of a pop album. Attuned note only to the dialogue and the acting and pacing and stuff like that but also lighting, costumes, sets. He talks about producers and budgets and ad campaigns. The “fluency” of the camera. The “soaring score” by usually Pino Donaggio.
It feels like both the path and destination for a new phase of Ellis’s work.
Re-reading Glamorama sent me again to its follow-up, Lunar Park, which was technically the first Ellis novel I read, at fourteen, not because I was precocious or attuned to these things but because I bought American Psycho on a rainy afternoon at Borders where fortunately my mom was too frazzled about traffic and weather to ask what I had in the bag; then I got home and flipped through it and naturally caught a sex scene and my stomach sank, Oh God, thinking obviously that I liked it but also, They’re gonna kill me, about my parents somehow learning I’d brought porn home. So I stashed it in my closet and went for Lunar Park instead which coincidentally had just been released a few weeks prior.
Twenty years and two novels later, reading it on the heels of Glamorama, Lunar Park signifies the switch to a new phase of Ellis’s career, though it won’t be completed til the next one.
The first hundred-twentyish pages of Glamorama are probably the funniest Ellis has ever written and when it last came up on the show he mentioned there’s a popular opinion that those pages, on their own, should’ve been the whole book. That the last three hundred pages are so complex and upsetting and disorienting—the only part that’s really pleasurable is the beginning.
I haven’t heard that argument myself but I can see the point.
He crafts a similar setup in Lunar Park: nonstop jokes for the first quarter until suddenly there’s none.
Or it’s not just that they quit being funny; it’s hard to convey the emotional blackness Ellis achieves over the arc of a novel, where it’s not just a Philip Roth-type espousel of hopelessness but a deep, honestly-earned, persuasive feeling that there’s simply nothing left.
A sense of unbeatable crisis.
Which then became the root of a theory I started jotting in the margins, back in February, was that Bret Ellis unknowingly made what feels like a brilliantly interwoven mid-life crisis trilogy: Glamorama then Lunar Park and finally Imperial Bedrooms, all of which came out in the span of exactly a decade (1999 to 2009); plus each one is distinct for how, by the last page, Ellis has dropped the reader into such an emotionally desolate place—the only way he could’ve dropped you that far is if he’d started out from a great height (i.e. levity).
(The fact that Imperial Bedrooms starts off depressing and ends off worse is a testament to how much he’s focused his own skill in that time. Compressed it.)
Here’s the trajectory, spelled out: Glamorama is social satire (the idea is he’s getting older, he’s feeling more alienated from popular culture); Lunar Park is a blend of that earlier social satire and the personal (mocking how, by his early forties, he’s far estranged from popular culture, and making a joke of how square he is while also explicitly talking about childhood trauma); with Imperial Bedrooms the satire is muted and the themes are all personal.
So the mid-life crisis trilogy is also an arc of Ellis’s transformation as a writer: the same sensitive artist leaning slowly away from the ventriloquizing razmatazz of his early work, where he inhabits a narrator whose shortcomings are loud and amusing and almost red herrings for how they distract from the darker material, so that now, as an older more mature writer, he’s able to show that vulnerable side more directly.
It’s a progression from one type of ambition to another: Glamorama deconstructs its culture, Imperial Bedrooms deconstructs the author.
And the podcast seems to me like the off-ramp from that journey. The creative vehicle by which he’s cruising into this new creative period.
Noteworthy: Ellis launched the podcast shortly after he finishing Imperial Bedrooms (i.e. “the trilogy”).
On the podcast he strikes a more interesting balance between that standard public Gen X persona and the over-thinker, the self-described “catastrophist,” the openly anxious insomniac who wants to finally get some sleep without inducing it by way of that disastrous third martini and so experiments, at his trainer’s behest, with CBD gummies—except, he’s so eager for sleep, he ends up eating more gummies than the package recommends; which turns out not to matter anyway because the gummies only make him sleepy, they don’t make him sleep, plus they make it so that, whenever he has to pee, he can’t pee; and so now, having taken perhaps more of these CBD gummies than he should have, he finds himself getting out of bed late at night, sluggish and alone in his apartment, he goes to the bathroom and he stands at the toilet needing to pee but it doesn’t work. So he runs the faucets. Goes back to the toilet. Stands there. It’s a whole orderal and finally he says, Fuck it. I’ll take a melatonin. Except no: he’s off melatonin. He’d been using it earlier but frankly it’s kinda weak and it gives him bad dreams plus a friend of his who used to do major drugs warned that melatonin fucks you up. That it fucks up your brain.
This is the kind of scenario Ellis paints on the show, talking about his nights alone.
The story’s is a little cartoonish, you can hear him picking up momentum as he leans into the neurotic caricature, stacking obstacles like in a Chaplin scene…
But that’s how Ellis works his way toward telling a difficult truth; certainly how he’s always done it in the fiction: Create a character, adopt his voice, entertain entertain entertain—confess.
I’ve read Imperial Bedrooms four times and I still can’t describe what happens. It has this weird magical quality Neil Gaiman attributes to James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein (1935).

All I can attest is there’s a haunted feeling at the end of it. A scattered-seeming mystery that does begin to resolve itself, but the narrator never really pauses to absorb an explanation. Instead of asking why something happens, he asks, What does it mean for me? And that’s how we realize that the book is about something other than the mystery. Something that isn’t explained or super-obvious but it’s pulsing and vulnerable and crushingly sad and right there under the surface somewhere. Like a weepy confession heard vaguely through drywall.
This is the arc of Ellis’s mid-period narrators: they start out celebrating their situation, their comfort; then the drama starts and pretty soon they’re feeling trapped in their situation, trapped by the role that they play inside that situation; until finally in the novel’s closing pages, in a way that’s both tragic and morbidly triumphant, the narrator embraces that role warts-n-all. Stops hating the cage for keeping him locked in, and starts celebrating its knack for keeping people away; loved ones especially, the people who might approach Victor (rising model), or Bret Ellis (celebrated novelist), or Clay (rich screenwriter) and tell him, You dangle the IDEA of who you are to make people love you, but in order to nourish that love you’d have to reveal who you are beneath the IDEA—and he’s not the person they fell for.
Or anyway that’s my take.

Tldr: mood swings depression, fight with wife, can't focus IDK what to do. I 've been having a bad day. My wife says a bad month. She stresses the need for medication change. Currently on a lower dose of lamictal, always needed higher 600+ doses now I'm at 400. Was taking trazadone, and serequell for sleep. Switched to rispiradone.
She has BPD, I'm bipolar. We usually understand and accommodate each other. Been fighting with her over stupid things this week, not sleeping. We argued over weight loss and eating right. Thought these things would help. Told her these were important. She walked with me to get her dress from the seamstress) 5 min walk, (usually doesn't like walking)today. Came back had a counseling appointment on us fighting over health and exercise and the fights with my mom over an event we were planning. She has been trying to walk with me, and I feel that we are too lazy, and once a week that's not enough. She thinks I'm not appreciative of her trying. She does try, she walks, she has started to eat healthier, But we are supposed to get in shape, she's been promising for months. Lying over and over. Saying if I do x for her she'll do y for me but then does t do it.
Went to ride my motorcycle to get a haircut for said event on my fiancee's encouragement. Bought some food and was like a zombie in the supermarket. Came home told her I was exhausted. She handled my mom for me @and I said thank God. Really do love her. Tried to cook dinner burned it. Tried to lose myself in my phone, but couldn't concentrate. Didn't even care. Was feeling sad, and it got worse as the hours passed. Felt hopeless felt discouraged. She wanted attention I said I was tired. Finally she wanted me to go to bed (she wanted sex). Had no interest, couldn't focus just lied down next to her staring at the wall. She would keep attacking/play fighting and id snap out of it But went directly back into disinterested and tired but not sleepy. Finally she threw the blanket knocked my phone in my face and I cursed her. She said going to sleep on the couch I said I don't care. Then I go after her after 5-10 mins and play fighting with her and asking her to come back to bed. Back to spacing out and disinterested in everything, in life etc. she kept trying to play fight, and was getting frustrated and kicked me off the bed several times. I told her again I was tired. Said I just need to be alone for a bit. She kicked me off the bed and said go. Went to lie on the couch and she came out yelling at me turning on the light so I couldn't see. Came out took my phone and tried to see if I was cheating on her, said to go with them. I wasn't even on my phone. I told her I was sad. Came out again and yelled at me some more I hear her making noises rummaging and about go to bed. We have plans tomorrow. She opens the door I see her half dressed packing a bag. I say why? Where you going? I did t have the energy for this. She said does it matter? I said yes. We have stuff to do. Her: go do it yourself. Me: knock it off stop trying to guilt trip me. I got mad and picked up her bag, dumped it and threw it on the floor We yelled and fought. When she went to get her bag, I slapped her arms and I got scared. I crossed that line. I think she was upset and we both knew j messed up. That looks on both our faces. I ran off took my jacket and was about to leave. Her: where you going? Me I have to go out I'm leaving need to get away Her: if you leave we're through. We talk then I told her how I was sad, and bad no energy. She told me she felt unwanted and neglected. I told her that I'm sorry for slapping her arms. We made up, but I still feel upset, sad and hopeless. Guilty for crossing that line. I'm sitting here typing this while she's resting.
It's hopeless. Why she or I don't leave is beyond me. I sometimes feel that she would be better off without me.
I know this is reddit, many of you will just say to break up, thats not going to happen but feel free to give me some feedback.
Thank you.

‧₊☽🔘☾₊‧ introduction ‧₊☽🔘☾₊‧

whenever talking about shifting or experiences with shifting, people will always question ways to tell if they are shifting or getting close to shifting. what are the ways to tell? and how do we know the difference between close to shifting and falling asleep?
not only will this help you identify the signs and proceed from this state, but, it will also help you recognize if you are falling asleep. then, it will let you know what to do when you feel that you are in order to shift instead of fall asleep.

☄˚₊ signs of shifting ☄˚₊

first and foremost, let's go over the signs of shifting. not only on that, but we will also go go over how to react to these signs of shifting and how to improve your chances of getting them.
one of what is considered the easiest ways to shift is to enter a meditative state that is much deeper than sleeping and proceed from there. chances are, you probably shift at night just before you go to sleep. this is good and fine to do. this does not affect your chances of shifting, it is usually done for the sake of no interruptions.
to begin this, you should do this when you are not tired at all. the more tired that you are, meaning the later in the night that you do this with no sleep, the more likely you are to fall asleep instead of shift. and in turn, the more likely you are to experience sleeping symptoms instead of shifting symptoms.
but with all of that said, what are the signs of shifting?
: ̗̀➛ lighting change
if your eyes are closed and you notice sudden lighting change., it could mean that you are starting to see a different room other than your cr. when you see this, continue to affirm that you are in your dr. don't focus on your cr body, it will just bring your awareness back here.
: ̗̀➛ vibrations
i don't just mean feeling the energy around you, i mean you feel as if your entire body is harshly vibrating, almost like it's about to emerge out from your body. it's hard to describe, but you will know it when you feel it. it feels very powerful and is a surreal experience. you can achieve it in any position, it worked best for me in starfish. but for a friend of mine, it worked best when he hugged himself into a ball. he wasn't even trying to shift that time, just meditating.
: ̗̀➛ smelling or hearing things that are different
these different things could be a train going down the tracks when you don't live anywhere near it. sudden voices right next to you coming in a different direction. the voice however shouldn't feel like the voice in your head when you read or think. it should instead feel like you are hearing someone talk to you out loud in that moment. it doesn't have to be a clear voice either. just a voice that you can hear and in turn, know it is a sign.
: ̗̀➛ feelings of movement that are involuntary.
and in turn, feelings of a location change. your brain didn't tell your body to do it, you just did it. usually matches with your visualizations but not always.
with the second part now, let's say you have a silk blanket or comforter. but, it changes to wool while shifting. even if just for a split second.
: ̗̀➛ temperature changes
a cold breeze, or a warm heat. both of these things could be a sign of shifting. or maybe a change in temperature in your home, but it would not be so sudden unless a window in your home is open. would not recommend having in the middle of the night though.
however either way, you could still use it to help yourself shift. visualize the temperature change and incorporate it into your dr. how your dr feels like that temperature.
basically, whatever you do, just affirm, affirm, affirm, until you are there.
regardless of what symptoms you have, do your best to focus on the intention of shifting. not something else. keep affirming yourself in your dr. and if you do mess up and wake up here anyways, that's okay! there's always tomorrow.
: ̗̀➛ your body locking up
have you ever tried shifting and felt like your legs or arms were locked in place? you had the urge to move them because of how it felt uncomfortable and paralyzed almost? this could be a sign of shifting that you are unaware of. your body is entering a state of relaxation in order to detach your mind and awareness from this body and into no body or your other physical body.

💤 signs of sleeping 💤

this is important. when it comes to signs of sleeping, identifying them will allow yourself to acknowledge that your method is making you sleepy and not shifting, allowing you to change your methods accordingly. in this section, i will also explain ways to avoid falling asleep the next time that you attempt to shift. now let's go over the signs of sleeping.
: ̗̀➛ you feel yourself slipping
i'm not talking about that feeling where you feel like you are falling for a split second and wake up. i'm talking about you feeling like you're melting basically. snapping in and out of awareness.
: ̗̀➛ lack of focus
your mind is wandering a bit too much. it's okay to let your mind wander. but, if it wanders too much, you may start to be entering an unfocused dream territory. just bring your thoughts back and continue from there.
also with that, difficulty focusing on shifting. you seem to have issues setting intention and visualizing; a lot more than normal too.
: ̗̀➛ drowsiness
you feel tired, not relax. yes, there is a difference. tiredness could almost be an uncomfortable feeling. relaxation means more than a lack of energy. relaxation can be refreshing and something that is just what you need. relaxation comes naturally and feels comfortable.
: ̗̀➛ hypnic shock
a hypnic shock is the jolting falling feeling just before you sleep. your body jerks you awake after it notices you falling a bit too into sleep. some people describe it as the feeling of 'falling into the void' which is not the same as going into the void state. in this state, you are not pure consciousness.
​
if you notice these signs, quickly jolt yourself awake by any means necessary. then, head to the bathroom and splash some water on your face to try again. then, you continue your shifting method as normal.
you can either do this or set an alarm to wake up in the middle of the night. but, if you sleep with siblings and/or share a room with someone else, you can set the intention to wake up in the middle of the night.
when you wake up, say 'i will wake up at three in the morning.' and go from there. your subconscious will pick it up and continue on as normal. when you do wake up at that time, attempt your shifting method again.

୭🌀 the difference ୭🌀

the reason it is so hard to tell the difference is because a lot of signs of shifting are things such as muscle relaxation or closed eyelids; which are things that you want to have happen when you shift, you want to have that disconnect of your body. otherwise, you would just focus far too much on your current reality instead.
that's why symptoms of shifting can be such a difficult thing to tell and analyze. because a lot of symptoms could just be you falling asleep without knowing it. as stated before though, the relaxed state of shifting vs. the tiredness and relaxed state of sleeping are very different. sleep entails a lack of awareness whereas meditation involves awareness. regardless of how deeply meditated you are, you still are aware. you from there just choose to be aware of another reality and then in turn, shift to it.
a fun fact about meditation though, it actually reduces your need for sleep. people even believe that ten minutes of meditation is equivalent to forty four minutes of sleep. so, if you wish to reduce your chances of drowsiness and sleepy feelings more than you already do, meditation is a good option. it also clears your mind and allows you to focus.
let's talk about the hypnic jerk though. as mentioned, a hypnagogic state is the feeling just before you sleep. the jerk is to let you know you are just about to fall asleep. and usually, it is a much deeper sleep as well. however, what is the difference between this and another feeling in your dr? the jolt is sudden and comes when relaxing. during this relaxation, you are not thinking or focusing on anything. not even your dr.
your thoughts wander and seem strange and less organized than before. if you were feeling something like being shaken awake or throw, maybe even a feeling that you slipped and fell, it would feel a lot difference. these feelings, you feel outwards throughout your entire body. the hypnic jerk only effects your upper body for a split second.
so in a general and broad explanation, signs of sleeping happen when you are unaware of them. it is an involuntary relaxation. whereas shifting symptoms come with a clear focus and awareness of you goal/task at hand.

🔮₊‧ conclusion 🔮₊‧

fun fact about this post, i accidentally hit ctrl + enter instead of ctrtl + v while writing half of this post and internally panicked to delete it before anyone saw it unfinished. scariest moments of my life there. (not really, but...)
now, this is only really applicable if you shift at night before bed. if you have another shifting method such as manifesting your reality to you or law of assumption, you may go for a different approach. in which case, it's not really applicable. but either way, i still hope you enjoy this read and find it to be useful.
happy shifting! ᥫ᭡

Thank you to Space paladin for the canvas and u/Acceptable_Egg5560 for proofreading and critique
[First]-[Prev]-[Next]
Memory transcript: Maarchal , MESEA Astronomers. Date: [Standard Farsul calendar ] September 16th, 3675
“Sigh…. Mark one launch in 3…2…1…”
The rocket shot off the pad in front of us. I was resting my head in my paw and watching the data flow in from the Lidar, recording how the rocket shot off into the atmosphere.
“Deploying flares….”
Suddenly the missile shot out dozens and dozens of distractionary weapons. The computer program sliced through all the false positives with ease, accurately mapping the trajectory of the projectile through all the tests we designed to confuse it.
I stared blankly at the screen as our creation effortlessly did its job, the hum of the computer bank below us pushed warm air out the ideas of the vehicle. I rubbed my eyes to relieve them of the eye… crumbles? Of sleep, I watched the bright light of fire behind the rocket diminish and the top open and shoot out a parachute. My eyes lazily followed the descending rocket as it tumbled onto its side on the ground. I heard Ponthyt and Fiar moan from the bottom of the floor, they were draping cloaks around their heads and were splayed out.
Slightly amused with the consequences of their bout of drinking last night I turned on the radio. “ Mark two, be ready to lau…..” I was pulled away from my current objective by something strange. The Lidar was currently tracking a projectile.
That's odd… we are in restricted air space, what could it be tracking? I sat up and studied the computer. Whatever it was it was high, very high in the atmosphere and it was traveling towards the south pole, It might be a… asteroid?
Suddenly I see its trajectory change and it starts to head right towards us!!! My mind races with possibilities as to what it could be. A spy airplane? a weather balloon? My blood runs cold with the worst possibility becoming the most likely.
“Ship of cartutus do you read?” I was pulled away from my musings from the rocket engineers on the radio. I fumble with my radio and almost drop it off the side of the vehicle.
“THERE'S A MISSILE!!! A MISSILE!!!” I screamed into the handheld device.
“What? Can you repeat that ship of cartutus?” I quickly chock down my fear and force a somewhat level headed response.
“I believe the Lidar has picked up the signature of a missile, its warhead could be nuclear. I have a sense of dread and a suspicion it's from the Crafur archipelago.” I hear a torrent of panicked voices flood out of my radio. Ponthyt and Fiar were shifting on the floor from the unwanted stimuli.
I quickly cover the speaker with my paw and respond. “I am asking you to activate the R.C. interpreter missiles, we are live testing this today on something that could be real!!!”
“...Rodger, we are activating interceptor 34, please highlight the target.”
I force my right arm to force my left to stop shaking, I then type in the command to target the projectile. In our little back and forth it had crossed several hundred miles and was closing in fast. “Interceptor program activated and target designated.”
“Rodger, launching in 3…2…1.” Suddenly another light shone across the tundra as our only hope of survival flew into the clouds. I could hear a horrible screech as whatever was heading towards us was closing in. I saw a bright flash in the clouds and debris falling naught but a few hundred meters from our current location.
I was still holding my breath as I watched the scattered pieces fall to the earth and let it out when I realized and relaxed in my chair. I was breathing heavily and rubbing my stomach, delayed panic coursed through my veins.
“Ship of cartutus, has the target been neutralized?” I forced myself to sit back up and act, I turned to the computer and pressed a button to show me the last instances of the object's trajectory. It showed the two dots closing in on each other head on, and then a swarm of debris fell straight to the ground after the collision. “Confirmed hit, target neutralized.”
“Confirmed, sending out recovery team.'' The next few moments passed by and I couldn't tell if they were minutes or hours.
I saw what appeared to be ants scouring the debris field, back and forth they paced all along it. A cargo auto came by to salvage what remained of the interceptor, I could have watched more closely with my binoculars, but I decided to simply sit and catch my breath. Suddenly I heard a buzz from my radio.
“Ship of cartutus, this seems to be an asteroid.”
Bewilderment suddenly floods me. “What? I saw it on the Lidar, it made a drastic change in direction! Asteroids can't do that? Have you checked the wreckage for any signs of radioactivity?” I was quick to respond, as were they.
“We had someone with a radiation sensor scan the debris, none of it showed any sign of it. We have found no trace of foreign metal, it's all stone.”
Confusion pushed out any lingering panic within me. “Please stand by, I am going to inspect it myself.”
“Rodger, awaiting your arrival.”
I clicked off the radio and tapped on the glass to wake up our driver. “I am going to the debris field, get out and help me down and take me there in the JPA.”
The driver, a military officer, was fast asleep and splayed out on the wide front seats. He shifted when I attempted to rouse him, lazily opened an eye and looked at me. “No, want … sleep.”
I took on an unamused expression as he closed his eyes. I have had enough of his mershit, I grabbed my water bottle and slid open the dividing window. I unscrewed the lid and unceremoniously poured out its contents all over him. He shot up and breathed heavily as the cold contents of the bottle drenched him, confusion mired his Being and he looked around for the source of his discomfort before his eyes landed upon me. His confusion was pushed out by annoyance as he stared at me.
“Good, you're awake, now help me out and drive me to the debris field.”I said with markedly less patience and with a commanding tone I perfected raising two children. He looked even more annoyed but he relented, getting out of the cab and doing as I said.
​
***
​
“So what we are seeing is some kind of stone, it's not any kind of stone found in the area so at the very least it's abnormal.” Craath said.
“Hmm, but I saw the readings on the Lidar, it was going fast, then it turned nearly going backwards with no sign of slowing down or speeding up before or after. It's like it just… I don't even know!!! Missiles can barely make that kind of reading without eviscerating themselves!!! But an asteroid definitely shouldn't be able to, it should have torn itself apart at the very least!’ I responded, holding my chin and examining the stones laid all about on the ground. They were light gray. “Please hand me one.”
Craath nodded and bent down to grab me one, he handed it to me and I examined it more thoroughly. The texture was gritty, as though made up of medium grains of minerals, but the color and gloss was perfectly uniform.
“... My pups have become obsessed with rocks, I have been learning about them alongside them. I can't for the life of me think of a rock even close to this one's description.”
I turned the stone in my paw and looked for any inconsistency, but found none. “Well, it's an asteroid Maarchal, it's not like it has to conform to our planet's standards.”
“I’m an astronomer Craath , I am familiar with asteroid samples and at the very least can tell you these are not like any other asteroids we have ever discovered. And inanimate objects don't just change course on their own at the very least.”
He shrugged. “Just because we found a lot of some kind of thing doesn't mean new versions cant be discovered. And the trajectory change could be something we haven't discovered anything of. Either way it was not a missile, but you did save our hides by destroying it. Count our blessings, you’ll get to study something with your pups, something no one else has!!!”
I grabbed the stone with both paws and applied some pressure. It cracked in half with almost no effort, I looked inside but found the same consistent appearance as the outside of the stone.
“ It could be some kind of … I don't know, particulate weapon strapped to a thruster? Meant to explode on top of us and get into our lungs?”
Craath shook his head. “No that can't be the case, we examined all the metal debris and it all belonged to the interceptor. Something like that would at the very least leave behind a thruster, as it stands I say we just clean this stuff up and head back to base for a deeper analysis.”
I spied all the workers out in this field. Most were hauling pieces of the interceptor into a big cargo auto, while others were examining the other debris. I dropped the stone in my paws and folded my arms. “ I want some kind of lab with geo analyst tools, tell the brass it's for research on an interceptor and… is that stone floating?”
I pointed to the stone I had dropped, but had failed to meet the ground. The technician looked down with a blank expression that screamed confusion, suddenly the stone floated higher between us. I saw more of the stones around us levitate off the ground, workers screamed at the display while me and Craath simply stared with blank expressions. We stayed stoick in either utter terror or curiosity, or some kind of mixture of both, I couldn't tell. The workers were running in utter fear and getting into the autos, while others were simply running as fast as they could for base.
As the stones levitated they all moved towards a central point, none of them touched but they seemed to make the rough outline of a cone. As they got closer together they moved faster and faster, swirling upon the central point. By this time some were fusing together while others were spitting apart. They all were now making the rough outline of… a person?
The shape was nothing like I had ever seen except in Farsul. The largest stones floated above all the others and I saw two eyes blink open.
We both stood there in utter silence. I saw the longest stones floating by their sides, with spaces representing points of articulation, long thin stones made up the fingers. The placement was as if they were bones, the eyes were on the flat surface of the stone that held them, they were… black… and the irises were glowing with a golden light like that of the sun. I saw the stones below the ones holding the eyes possess a smooth line that seemed to line up and continued to the stone floating beside it.
The “body” was an amorphous sloping cylinder of floating stones that were never more than a few inches close together, they were shifting all the while. Suddenly I see her? Move any arm and grab a piece of wreckage.
“Excuse me, but I seem to have been confused for a… weapon, correct? And as such I have lost my hair, do you mind if I use this to remake it?”
“...” I could not speak, this… thing was terrifying, a monolith of sentient stones that was some forty meters tall. When she spoke… I could see her “mouth” move, but the sound seemed to come from all around. I was unable to pinpoint its origin.
Suddenly, she drops the wreckage into the cargo auto.
“I’ll take your silence as a no. Could I use this instead?”
She dug her paw into the ground and lifted a large clod of earth, she was looking at me expectantly.
“Uh… sure?”
She smiles and I can see steam emanating from the soil in her paw. I see it start to glow and melt. But it did not drop from her paw, instead I see it congest into a glowing orb of liquid. I see it start to change shape, suddenly strands of the hot liquid erupt from the top. They float about and circle above her head before securing themselves onto it. I can see the strands cool into silver stands, they float around her. Reaching all the way to the ground behind her. They are constantly moving to stay out of the way of the stones of her body.
“Now that I have made myself presentable. Greeting I have received your message to the stars, I apologize for making myself known but there is no undoing that. Well I could, but I’d rather not."
Confusion swept over me. “Wh-what?”
She took on a look of worry. “Your message? Are you not Maarchal?”
“I-I am, how do you know that?”
She moves her paw towards us, the flat of it pointing directly at us. Suddenly, I see a paragraph of text displayed on the stones, as if they were displayed on screens. It was our message me, Ponthyt and Fiar had made and sent last night.
“I, uh, didn't expect it to reach anyone, we were frustrated with some bad news, they were drinking and uh… I just thought it'd be fun.”
She rescinded her appendage and looked… embarrassed?
“Oh dear, I seem to have revealed myself prematurely again.” She covered her face with her paws.
“Wh-what do you mean again?” She turns her head up and stares at us directly.
“A number of months ago I activated a surveillance drone, I grew inpatient and wanted to see what you all had done. But a Farsul was holding it at the time and he saw it blink and he smashed it in fear. His name was Fiar, so when you mentioned someone with the same name and had seen a rock blink I assumed it was the same person and I had uncovered myself. Although I seem to have been mistaken. I apologize for this mix up.” She shifts her eyes between me and Craath and smiles. “I am glad I came though. You and your husband are a joyous sight.”
We looked at each other and Craath spoke up. “Oh, we aren't married. I’m Craath, we’re work friends.”
She took on a confused look. “Oh? Then where is he?”
I pointed to the Ship of cartutus across the field. “He and Fiar are on the back of that vehicle recovering from their hangovers.”
She looked over and spied the massive vehicle. I could… feel her amusement and I and Craath howled with laughter, the feeling of laughing at something someone else found funny was… extremely unnerving.
“Oh, well could I meet them? Considering this was all one big mistake I’d love to take advantage of it. Even if I can't stay. “
“What do you mean?” Craath asked the… god.
“I have been waiting for you to reach or discover me ever since I made this world for you. I was so excited that you “found” me that I came here from the blue ice giant immediately. But in my rash approach I failed to see I was not actually discovered. And since only a handful of Farsul have seen this form I will go back after I decide too. But for now I will enjoy your people's company.”
She looks down at herself. “But first I need to take a different, more… approachable form.” I see the stones congest and all fuse together into a monolith. Some time later it begins to crack and I see a young … farsul? Climb out from the disintegrating mass of stone.
She dusts herself off and walks to us. The farsul in front of us was taller than me but more slender. Her coat was dark red and she spoke much more normally then… whatever form she had before. She looked at me and smiled, her irises were still golden, but not glowing like they had been previously. “Now, why don't we go see him?”
‘Uh… of course, right this way.” I waved to follow me as I made my way to the JPA. The driver, somehow, didn't notice all the insanity we had witnessed and was reading some book. I got in the back seat as Craath took the front. The… farsul took the seat right next to me.
I taped on the oblivious and incompetent soldier's shoulder. He didn't look up from his book and merely groaned to acknowledge my existence. “We are … done here. Take us back to the Ship of cartutus.”
He exhaled and started the engine, pulling out of the field and taking us there. On the way I decided to ask the farsul some basic questions.
“Are you a god?”
She turned her attention to me.”What? NO! Of course not! I have not even been made aware of the lords presents and I would never claim to be him!”
“Then what are you?”
She folds her paws together. “It's… difficult to say, I was once a human. But over the eons I have… changed. You see, back in the other species territory, death… became a choice. We advanced so greatly in bio engineering that biological immortality was invented and over the eons most did not want to live more than a certain amount of time. They reversed the changes and let death claim them. But… I didn't, and over time the genetic upgrades we would periodically advance ourselves with made us unrecognizable to what we evolved from.”
Craath turned back towards her. “ You said we? How many more of you are there?”
She looked down at her folded paws. “I don't know, but for every world I terraformed no more like me emerged. Almost all like me sprang up when this technology first emerged and over the uncountable generations only an astronomically few chooses to become like me.”
“You said you created our world but you are not a god?”
She shook her head. “No, I simply “created” your world by putting the pieces back together.”
Craath took on a face of suspicion. “What pieces?”
She looked down more intensely. “Sigh a long time ago, your species government made a lot of people suffer, so when a force came to destroy you they did nothing to stop it. You had no way to defend yourselves and your kind was slaughtered. Only those outside the cage of your world survived. Most still hate you, but I don't. I took what I could and came here, I made you a world for yourself where you could grow unimpeded.”
An icy cold dread flowed within me. “ We were slaughtered and they still hate us? What did we do?”
She turned to me with a solemn look. “The average Farsul? Nothing.”
We continued to make our way over the rough terrain until I decided to ask her something else.
“What's your name?”
“Talsk, the name of your homeworld. I took it as a moniker when I decided to bring your kind here.”
Craath spoke up and addressed Talsk. “You know for not a god you sure do claim to do a lot of what a god does.”
She shakes her head. “No, no, I think of myself as a gardener, planting the seeds God has given us. I am not a God or even a mother of any kind.”
She turns her head over to me. “You however are much more of a creator than I have ever been. Tell me, how far along are you?”
“Oh, I’m almost due actually, I'll probably start having contractions any day now. My two other pups are quite excited to have a little brother or sister.”
Talsk smiles warmly. “That's wonderful but… Why are you working so late into your term?”
I breathed deeply, and turned to address her. “We are being strong armed to make weapons for the military, we’ve been here for most of my pregnancy.”
Her warm smile suddenly turned icy cold. “Someone is forcing you to build weapons?”
I nodded. She turned her head out over the horizon and even though she no longer projected her emotion outward I could still feel her rage in that moment.
Craath, turned to the driver. “Seriously, you didn't see or hear anything that woman did?”
“I did, I’m just not paid enough to care.”
Craath took on a look of abject confusion and frustration at the unimpressed soldier.
We then pulled up at the Ship of cartutus and we all climbed out, I yelled for the sleepy men. “PONTHYT! FIAR!!! We have a visitor!!!”
Suddenly two heads inch over the edge and look down at us. “Oh hi honey! YAWN. Who's the young girl?”
“I’ll … explain over lunch.”
Fiar popped his head over the side enthusiastically. “Oh, is Ponthyt cooking?”
I nodded and he and Craath howled with excitement. I covered my ears while Talsk simply held a paw to her muzzle and giggled at the rambunctious pup like energy from the two seasoned scientists.
[First]-[Previous]-[Next]

[Combat experience] No combat experience [Origin] Aegir [Birthday] November 3rd [Race] Aegir [Height] 166cm [infection status] Refer to the medical test report , confirmed as non-infected.
[Physical Strength] Standard [Mobility] Standard [Physiological Endurance] Standard [Tactical Planning] Standard [Combat Skill] Standard [Originium Adaptability] Defective
Lucilla, a native of Aegir, is affiliated with the Facilities Management Office of the Institute of Technology and serves as a dome administrator and ocean current surveyor in the dome system. After Aegir established contact with the mainland, Lucilla cooperated with Rhodes Island out of personal interest and came from time to time for cultural exchanges. She is currently registered as a cooperative operator of Rhodes Island.
The results of the imaging test showed that the internal organs of the operator were clearly outlined and no abnormal shadows were seen. The detection of Originium particles in the circulatory system showed no abnormality. There were no signs of Oripathy.
[Cel—Originium Assimilation] 0% Operator Lucilla showed no signs of being infected by Originium.
[Blood Originium Crystal Density] 0.006u/L Operator Lucilla showed a strong interest in Originium technology and frequently came into contact with Originium after coming to Rhodes Island. "To be honest, I'm not worried at all. Lucilla’s protective measures are extremely well done, even a little too much. Every time she appears in the workshop, she wears different protective equipment, sometimes a strange umbrella with wriggling tentacles, sometimes a beautiful bubble with brilliant colours... In short, there are so many tricks. I don't understand why she has to change her protective method every time, but she does. She looks like she's enjoying it...Oh, does she still not understand what Oripathy means?"
[Rhode Island dormitory night chat record 1] "Hey, stop eating your fake dumplings with cheese and come here to help me." "What can make you so anxious?" "That new girl who came here recently. , seems to be an Aegir from the sea. I don’t know why, but she always takes the initiative to talk to me. "It’s really a miracle that someone wants to talk to you ." "What did she always say?" She was talking to me about my hometown city, asking me about its appearance, my memories there, and what that city meant to me. Then, she also talked about her home under the sea and what she did. The whole city's experience of projecting the starry sky on the dome, and her experience of directing the ocean current fountain performance at the Water Vein Center..." "You don't think she likes you, do you?" "No, no, how is that possible? I can’t understand why she wants to talk to me about this?” “You have to ask her, don’t ask me! In Siracusa, if someone inquires about my hometown like this, I will think that she wants to destroy my whole family. "
[Rhode Island Dormitory Night Chat Record 2] "Save me." "What happened?" "Guess what? She said she saw the words on my clothes and thought my expression was very strange. It was interesting, so I came to chat. She said that she must have very sincere emotions, very exquisite ideas, and very touching stories, and she was very eager to let everyone know, so she used clothes to express them, right? Is it a special art form on land to turn itself into a carrier of expression..." "Then did you tell her that your 'I♥Longmen' cultural shirt was actually a price reduction in a supermarket? You still have five identical ones?" "I told you, I don't think I can hide it from her. I guess she will never talk to me again."
[Night Chat Record in Rhode Island Dormitory 3] "I do. I’m hopeful.” “Huh?” “I met her in the cafeteria today. She was wearing the ‘I♥Rhode Island’ hat that was sold by the logistics department during the previous team building event, and she was smiling and waving to me!”
A terrifying legend about a ghost spreads in Rhode Island. It is said that every few months, ghosts will appear on Rhode Island, glowing with strange light under the pale night lights at midnight, and disappearing as soon as they get close. The places where ghosts have stayed usually leave a special "ghost mark", which is a simple but incomprehensible pattern with various colors and a weak fluorescence. The mark usually disappears within an hour of being sighted. Some operators firmly believe that "ghost marks" originate from an undiscovered supernatural culture, and borrow Myrtle‘s flags to drape around their bodies, trying to get closer to ghosts by pretending to be ghosts. Another operator firmly believed that it was a contact mark left by a hostile force trying to infiltrate Rhode Island, so he wrote at least three emails to Dr. Kal’tsit every day to emphasize the danger. There are also operators who firmly believe that it is a form of artistic expression of an unknown civilization. They work every day to copy the "ghost mark" and have established a society dedicated to appreciating its artistic value.
[Voice Record from the Personnel Department] "So, it's you?" "Ahem, it's not me." "Every few months, I come to Rhode Island to stay for a period of time, and the time of each stay coincides with the time of the ghost sighting report. Leaving the dormitory in the middle of the night and wandering around the ship, leaving obscure marks on the walls of the corridors... There is no one else, Miss Lucilla." "Eh - you investigated too carefully... " My mailbox is almost overflowing with requests to investigate ghosts! Some want to be a ghost with you, some want to make a spy movie with you, and the most enthusiastic one wants to talk to you all night about art..." ...Did you use any special Aegir painting techniques?" "I did learn relevant professional techniques at the Visual Art Creation Institute..." "That's great, then you can go and give it to me in person." The staff of the Ghost Mark Appreciation Club explained their creative ideas, and I finally no longer had to listen to their lengthy retelling of the appreciation reports. " But 'Ghost Mark' is really just lines and colors daubed casually, and there is no creative idea to talk about." You do it unconsciously in the dark..." "I don't understand. You have obviously learned professional skills." " Just for scribbling?" "Yes." "...Okay. How should I explain to those fanatical operatives that this is the truth from the investigation..." "You don't have to tell them the truth." "Huh? " " Although my unintentional graffiti is far from being called art, wouldn't it be great if they could inspire all kinds of imagination among the operators? This is the practical value of art. Oh, if it can help a few children with unhealthy schedules. It would be better if you go back to sleep."
Not long after arriving in Rhode Island, Lucilla submitted an application to participate in field missions to the Field Service Department. According to convention, people like her who have no experience, lack of training, and whose personal expertise has nothing to do with the mission content should not be approved to participate in field missions. However, I don’t know what trick she used, but she was finally allowed to accompany the team to the Rim Billiton Wilderness. Although she was not assigned a specific task, Lucilla was busy on her own after arriving at the scene. Ten minutes later, while the accompanying catastrophe messenger was still calibrating the instrument, she had already begun to report unusual swirling airflow activities in the distance. The messenger confirmed that it was indeed a catastrophe cloud that was taking shape. Afterwards, when asked why he could predict natural disasters so quickly and accurately without relevant knowledge, Lucilla smiled and pointed to the sky: "Just rely on your intuition. Look, there are scary clouds in the sky, don't they?" In fact, it's like the waves on the sea?"
[Voice Recording] "Every Aegorir has a different understanding of the ocean. I'm not talking about emotional sustenance like 'hometown' or 'hometown', nor is it like 'hometown' or 'hometown'. Utilitarian labels such as resources and "wealth", but, for example, I think the sea is a particularly active giant animal. It is because its limbs and organs are always moving around that I need to constantly map ocean currents. " After I got ashore, I discovered that the atmosphere and the ocean have many similarities. Regardless of the concentration changes of gas components, or the flow direction and velocity of wind... they are all very similar. It was probably another big, active animal, only softer and brighter. So, the essence of this planet may be several huge animals holding a hot core together, right? "...Unscientific?...The sea is just a mixture of water and minerals? Of course I know this. Our ancestors knew the physical essence of the ocean when they first took shape thousands of years ago. But, if you think about it this way, doesn't it make everything seem strange and scary? When the volcanic energy station went out, I once thought about whether the sea was actually just a heavy, dark, meaningless mass of salt water. .....That was the only time in my life that I was afraid of the sea.”
[Excerpt from development plan evaluation materials] The work results submitted by Lucilla—whether data, reports, or plans—are extremely complex, mixed with a large number of fantasies that may seem serious but are highly lacking in feasibility. Here are just a few examples: research on the possibility of the whisker-shaped biomonitoring unit on the dome acting as an itch scratcher; research on the taste changes and principles of the dome's color developer (also known as "ink") when it changes color; research on the deposition on the outer layer of the dome The shapes and patterns of excreta produced by marine organisms. In order not to affect the docking efficiency, we communicated with Lucila, and she agreed to streamline the content of the work she submitted. After that, Lucilla began to regularly organize the whims that sprouted in his work and life into projects and send them to the heads of various institutions of the Academy of Sciences and the Academy of Technology. These whims are still highly unfeasible, but a few heads of institutions said they were inspired by them and found new research directions.
[Notes of Deep Sea Cultist Cassia] A new person was transferred to the post, named Lucilla. She used to work in the dome system. It seems that she applied for the transfer because she could not bear the mental pressure. It is hard to believe that such a fragile person caused Pabos to be transferred. catch. ... The vacancy Lucilla filled was created by the suicide of the former administrator. The occurrence of suicide cases is a precursor to the collapse of the country, which proves that the war with the seaborne is eroding people's freedom to create value. I'm afraid that in more than ten years, the new generation of Agor people will only be worth fighting against the seaborne. As for this Luciilla, she probably won't last long. ... Well, Lucilla doesn't behave like a mentally broken person, her mind is surprisingly active - even when they are eating together, she will suddenly start to search with interest materials that can switch between solid and liquid states at any time have led me to discuss the possibility of deforming tableware; or to study the difference in the sounds of ingredients when they are chewed, and to try to incorporate hearing into the eating experience... What a weird thing. … I’m starting to understand why Lucilla didn’t break down. Most of the time, her endless weird ideas are really useless, but the more useless they are, the more serious she is. She seemed to feel that these useless whims were as worthy of attention as the practical means of fighting seaborne. Perhaps it is this concept that allows her to maintain vigorous creativity at all times, instead of gradually becoming numb on a narrow path. I really want to regard her behavior as a futile struggle, but to be honest, if all Aegir people could be like her, Aegir would not be as fragile as it is now, and we would not have to... ....Oh, what a pity.
[Voice Recording] "...Why am I thinking about this? What are you asking about? Of course it's because it's interesting."
[Voice record of the Development Planning Institute: Assessor ■■■■■ and Assessor ■■■■] "Lucilla applied for transfer out of the dome system? What's the reason?" "...'Fear of heights'. Alas, what is she trying to escape with this excuse? What do you think, did we misjudge at the time, and she is actually not suitable for working in the dome system?" "Don't forget, the duties of dome managers and ocean current surveyors did not include monitoring and recording sea behavior. It's not that she is not suitable for this position, she just hasn't been able to accept that the dome she has longed for since childhood has irreversibly become Aegir’s eyes to observe the sea."
[Voice record of the Development Planning Institute: Assessor ■■■■■ and Lucilla] "After a systematic evaluation, the Development Planning Institute believes that you are very suitable to return to the dome system. But in the end, we hope you can answer one more question-what do you think is the root cause of your fear of heights?" "Ah! Sorry, I'm actually... ahem, not afraid of heights. When I was on the dome, I never even looked down. There were too many things worth paying attention to on the dome, so how could I have the time to look down... Oh, by the way, I recently saw the traces left on the dome by the sea monsters when they invaded the city before. I am considering reversely utilizing the sea monsters' ability to penetrate sealing materials to develop a luring sea monster trap..." "Welcome back to the dome system."
Voice Lines:
Appoint Assistant
Organising materials? Shouldn't this kind of work be left to "little handys"? ...Okay, I can do it myself. It's quite interesting to have a chance to chat with you, Doctor.
Conversation 1
There are still ten minutes until a massive influx of ocean current data arrives. Next, I spend four minutes preparing the ink, five minutes setting up the equipment, and forty-five seconds to doodle. Fifteen seconds left? Of course I leave it to you to take off your hood. What is the difference between drawing a faceless model and drawing a rock?
Conversation 2
The Aegir people's schedule is not affected by day and night. Artists often only sleep once every fifty hours when they are inspired. As for me, I'm pretty much like you, except I fall asleep at sunrise. Phew, it's eight o'clock, I'm sleepy - why are you yawning too?
Conversation 3
Aegir is unwilling to simulate a personality on a machine, so why do I still like chatting with robot operators? Because it's fun. Also, in order to prevent the cognitive module from being overloaded by my chat, I have has already started to tackle the tough issues. If there is a breakthrough, then it will be considered a contribution.
Conversation after promotion 1
After the channel was opened, there were many strange sea creatures outside the dome, which was really annoying. But without joking, my duty is to observe and record, and to reserve enough data for the complete elimination of seaborne. The more ostentatious those guys are, the more I have to keep an eye on them. (Upgrade to Elite 1 to view)
Conversation after promotion 2
When the city evacuated and darkness approached, I was so scared that I unconsciously painted two strokes on the dome. It wasn't until I returned to the dome recently that I saw that what I drew was a smiling face - and I suddenly realized that I should have faced the darkness with a smile long ago.(Upgrade to Elite 2 to view)
Talk 1 after trust is improved
There used to be a lovely cluster of algae outside the dome. No matter how turbulent the ocean current was, it would only sway quietly according to its own rhythm. I have always wanted to raise a cluster, stir the water with my hands, and see how calm it is... Doctor, you are very similar to it. (Increase trust to 40% to view)
Talk 2 after trust is improved
I used dome technology to transform this public umbrella so that it can adjust its shape and transparency, and monitor temperature and humidity. But the engineering department felt that the equipment was overqualified and said that the wrist-shaped monitoring unit on it was scary and asked me to change it back. It was really - by the way, do you have an umbrella? Can you exchange it with me? (Increase trust to 100% to view)
Talk 3 after trust is improved
"Evening Light on the Seabed", a volcanic energy station that once illuminated the seafloor with a red glow... When the war is over, come with me to see it. Even if it has fallen into slumber under the seaborne’s carpet of bacteria, you will definitely come with me to wake it up without changing your mind, right? (Increase trust to 200% to view)
idle
Warm reminder, if I doze off while working, my face will become my drawing board...are I really asleep? Little Handy, raise the temperature in the office by two degrees. It's not fun at all if the Doctor catches a cold.
Operators report
Hello, I'm from Aegir...huh? Staring at the bottle on my waist, could it be that I want to take a sip? It's not impossible, but please be responsible for the consequences of drinking ink.
Watch combat records
Doctor, please pause for a moment and show me the back of this person... Huh? Can you only see one side of the video?
Elite promotion 1
Promotion? Am I really doing that well? Or...do you just like working with me? (Upgrade to Elite Stage 1 to view)
Elite promotion 2
Promoted again? What's the reason? ...gives "particularly" accurate action suggestions based on the movement of ocean currents. Any more? Well, I used my expertise in equipment maintenance. Why did it stop? Go ahead and praise me, I'm listening. (Upgrade to Elite Stage 2 to view)
Join the team
Do you want me to collect data or maintain the dome? neither? You are also good at creating surprises.
appoint captain
If you want me to be the captain, you have to pick some interesting team members for me.
Take action
Everyone just follow me. If you are afraid of not recognizing someone, you can remember the colour of the ink bottle on my body.
The action begins
It's a wave!
Select operator 1
Take your time, don't rush, it won't be good if you make a mistake in the rush.
Select operator 2
Just say it, I'm listening.
Deployment 1
I've arrived at the scene, and the direction of the current is—well, it's a mess.
Deployment 2
It's really time to teach these lawless guys a lesson.
In combat 1
Where is the guy who disturbs the current?
In combat 2
Close your eyes and feel the rhythm of the waves...then you've been fooled.
In combat 3
Look at you, you've been splashed with ink again, haven't you?
In combat 4
Say something. It would be too sad to sink to the bottom of the sea without a word.
Complete difficult actions
Defeating a strong enemy is of course worth the joy, but you should also remember to look up from time to time and look at the scenery above you - it's beautiful.
3 stars
The plan was completed meticulously, which is very good. The Facilities Management Office likes people like you.
End stage without 3 stars
There is a small error, but it has little impact. I'll stay and troubleshoot.
Stage failed
I know the trial and error process is painful. But if you continue to be so depressed, will I have to do the next round of work by myself?
Stationed facilities
"Little handy", turn on the light for me - not here? Okay, let me find where the switch is...
tap
It’s been too long since you tapped me on the head?
trust tap
Use whatever ink you like. As for the surveyor - don't touch it.
new year wishes
Curious about my schedule today? Let me see my work schedule—huh? Not working on the first day of the new year. Do mainlanders still have this custom? So weird. Well, let me carefully arrange today's schedule... The first one is to accompany the doctor to pick out a New Year's gift.
greeting
You are so happy, what bad things have you done?
Anniversary celebration
If you don't go live with other people, what are you reading here? Well, it's in foreign words, I can't understand it... So, doctor, you tell me what's in the book, and I'll tell you what's in it. How about telling you the patterns and meanings seen in the lines and spaces that make up the words?

I posted my story on another thread but I received only few replies so I post it here. Probably another post to vent things out, but every story is different, so I will describe mine.
I am now 25 years old. I graduated a rather difficult engineering degree, I work, I have a family that cares about me very much, but. . . I feel unhappy, unfulfilled, overwhelmed and not where I should be. From the beginning. . .
In elementary school, middle school and high school, I was mostly an As student. Teachers have always liked me and made me a role model. I didn't cause any serious upbringing problems either. As I grew up in a religious family until high school, I was very religious and practicing. I went to the Rosary, the Rorata, the Stations of the Cross services, Masses. In a way, I liked it a lot and also became interested in it by expanding my knowledge. Religious upbringing probably also made me avoid the subjects of my own sexuality and even felt a certain disgust towards homosexual people (face palm). Now, looking back (from the beginning of high school and beyond) I was showing signs of being a lesbian or a homoromantic asexual person. My mind was filled with the idea that I shouldn't be a woman, if I could, I'd like to be born a man. It wasn't until quite recently that I realized I was queer that I accepted being a woman and decided I didn't care what gender I was born. I said to myself, ‘[My name] don’t lie to yourself anymore, you’re a lesbian, don’t live a lie!’” It was a kind of enlightenment.
In elementary school, parents and teachers considered me a humanistic-nature mind (I said I wanted to become a zoologist because I loved and love animals, etc.). Maths was a subject that I didn’t like very much and every year I had to re-learn fractions that I couldn’t damn well understand (a bit of a traumatic attempt when my mom tried to teach me), also because of the poor skilled teacher. Then middle school came along, the teacher changed, and maths was explained so well that something inside of me unlocked. Maths became my favorite subject next to biology. So immaturely and irrationally, I got caught up in the fact that I finally understood math and I'm good at it, that at the end of middle school, I decided to choose a math-physics profile in high school. At that time I was also confirmed and probably as one of the few I took this sacrament very seriously. One teacher said if I left this class full of immature peers, in high school I'd come back to life and they'd hear about me again. Even in middle school, I remember sitting in my room, autumn evening, trying to study and having overwhelming thoughts like, “I’m 14 years old now. And what? For ~50 years I'll get up early in the morning at an hour I don't want to and work hard for 50 years because I have to. And my closest relatives will die. I don't want that. I can't wait to retire and then die. Please, God, let this time pass quickly because it will be a torment. ''
As you'd expect, as an introvert and weirdo, I didn't come back to life. No friends in high school, despite my deep desire (in the beginning I tried to get some, but many people already grouped together and for me integration was always unnatural and painful). After a pretty rough start in high school, I finally became an As student again. There was one ‘but’. My passion for biology remained and I realized that I don’t really know what I want to do after class with maths and physics. That I should study biology and follow the path of medical field. I tried to take extra classes with the biology class, but the flood of other subjects and a complete mismatch of characters with the biologist (a kind of mental impairment and trying to prove to mathematicians that her subject was superior to ours) made me give up. What is important is that in the perspective of time, at the beginning of high school my mental health problems (depression?), which manifested themselves as disgusting to get up in the morning, lack of motivation and loss of ambition that I had before, daydreaming, imaginary scenarios, forced concentration. For the subjects for the final exams, in addition to the basic ones, I chose the extended ones: mathematics, physics and English. I passed them well enough to get into a tough engineering major at a prestigious university. Eventually, I finished it, but it was paid for by too much mental health impact. I was not interested in studying and I studied without pleasure and forced, which with my depression resulted in procrastination, lack of concentration (I was able to read the formula 10 times and say that I know it and after a few minutes I did not remember it at all) and making a cheat sheets to pass the exams. No friends again. STUBBORN MASOCHISM. Now, looking at my diplomas, I feel like juicy-fucking them against the wall. At the beginning of my studies, I signed up for a psychiatrist who prescribed venlafaxine. I used to take it on a regular basis, but it didn't really help at all. I also went to a psychologist for a year (I really liked talking to her, but in the end there is no change). After uni, I started looking for a job near where I live. The first one I found was a shitty state internship, which I ran away from after I found a better offer. My second job lasted only for 3 months of probationary period (although it was even cool and according to my boss I was a great employee, I was fired because of nepotism). Then on the boss's recommendation, I got the present one. Along the way, my beloved animals also got sick and the vet and I had no idea what was wrong with them (only the autopsy revealed the problem, but it was too late). I remember how during this time, together with one person close to me, we prayed fervently for this, among other things, and I was ready to sacrifice myself and take on their illness on me as long as they lived. But God didn't even care about my sacrifice, and I only felt the huge emptiness of these efforts at the end. Back to the beginning of the post. . .
Despite having a job and earning money, having a family that cares about me, having a roof over my head, inside I am very unhappy, empty and full of regret for bad decisions, wasted opportunities, talent and potential, who I could be right now. Although the work is not stressful it is boring (the boss often forgets about me), I am not interested in at all, I sit suffocated in the office in front of the computer, rotting. Due to lack of interest in the field and depression, I have no intention of applying for the valuable credentials I could get (what kind of an engineer who designs something with a zombie brain?). After the end of the contract I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO (if I'll live to that moment).
All these perturbations and personal traits caused me to lose a lot of faith in God (now I am closer to an agnostic). I haven't been to confession in a year and a half. In all my despair I took with mortal sins, Holy Communion symbolic 3 times (for Father, Son and Holy Spirit) so that maybe God would pay attention to me and talk to me. Spoke as I speak to people every day, not in a host, not by a priest, without playing cat and mouse in the form of signs and their interpretation, but simply over tea as with a friend (because without these there is always ''what if?''). Without the hordes of angels and the glory of God. I finally went to confession (without remorse for my sins but with complete indifference to them), hoping that if I took even one step, reach out my hand, God would reach out to me. But as one would expect I got dissapointed, from the confessor I didn't hear something I hadn't heard many times before, some general advice I could give myself.
As for more details about my religious life. Besides the fact that I was very religious as a child, not only spiritually, but also intellectually, it was this intellectual side that made me at some point start searching and asking questions: why this way and not otherwise? A hunger for answers and an analytical mind led to a downhill of faith and over-analysis. From a person who was once regarded as a model of sincere religiousness with knowledge about it and who took it all seriously (parents and catechists) I became a person I could not imagine before. Listening to sermons I am able to argue with >50% of things. Often during the day, praying even with fleeting thoughts, it comes to me that my attempts to talk with God are conversations with void... Kind of a placebo, to fool the mind and feel better (sometimes I actually feel better for a moment). In the moments of the greatest intensity of suffering, when it begins to physically explode and hurt my head , in my thoughts I scream God why have you forsaken me?! I beg you! If you exist, at least talk to me! What does it matter to me that you are supposedly with me now?! Since you're passive and I can't see you. Faith and what I get in church is not enough for me. I've made a lot of bad decisions that even you wouldn't be able to undo back in time. I have no desire to continue with this, no matter what it will look like. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I'm sick of this and myself, so annihilate me not because of laziness or lack of desire to live. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE. I want to enjoy life and know that I've made the right decisions, I'm fulfilled, I'm in the right place. That even though I'm a lesbian and I'll never fall in love and the kids are excluded (not for me), I can burn out for my neighbours and help them while being satisfied with the job. Instead, I feel almost all the time physical and mental exhaustion, sleepiness, lost of purpose, lost of motivation to change, ambition, hatred and regret (The biggest for myself, for I wasted the opportunity, time, money, health of mine and my loved ones. Often looking at my loved ones, and they don’t realize it, it’s like a dagger to the soul that I did what I did.). I am nothing.
Even though I'm surrounded by family, I have a lot of people around me, and inside I'm lonely. I can't talk to them. These are people very present, feet hard on the ground, and I have a very abstract mind, flung out of space. One person in the family I know would like to understand me and help me, but I feel like my attempts to explain things are forced (she focuses stubbornly on her ideas like she doesn’t understand the core essence of my problems and I expect more than her here and now).
Finally. . .
Every day as a prayer I repeat: ‘’I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with, to tell me where we's going to or coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much of it - it's like pieces of glass in my head, all the time. Can you understand?’’ And most of all, I'm tired of myself. Disgusted and self-hatred. I didn't ask to be born. You forced me into this existence so God it's not that I don't accept you, only I most respectfully want to return you the ticket.
Thank you all in advance for any helpful help and even prayers.

Guess as the title says. I feel like I have this condition. I watched some of the lectures by Dr Barkley and I feel it describes me to a T.
I was a smart kid in school, but was always daydreaming. I got called creepy for staring at people when I was actually just staring into space or out the window, making up stories for people of myself in different situations. My school work was always top notch, but I always made silly mistakes that cost me marks and was told I wasn't checking questions or paying attention. I understood the work, but was probably incredibly bored a lot of the time and didn't want to focus for too long. I was described as such a 'chill' person that several times I was accused of smoking weed in school by teachers and other students.
I couldn't force myself to do homework though, and I constantly had to wait for the urgency to kick in and rush to do it outside class which is what led me to seek and ADHD diagnosis, excessive sleepiness and lack of 'omph' in my life. I am not an unmotivated person, in fact I probably have too high standards for myself, I dream huge, and probably set myself up for failure in the process.
However that motivation never seems to turn into drive, and I end up living a very frustrating and reactionary life, 'stuck' inside my head. Wanting to do all these things and go on these great adventures, meeting new people and learning about them and their lives, I end up thinking and thinking and thinking about my life with this awfully harsh inner critic that is so adverse to any form of potential punishment or rejection from others that I end up not living my life, terrified of getting close to others, of excelling and being questioned about why I do the things that make me me, that I end up rejecting myself and stewing in a puddle of depression and inaction that I can't seem to ever pull myself out of, no matter how much mental will power I pour into the problem, my brain screams 'go', pushing on the accelerator but my body isn't in gear and doesn't move an inch.
I hate it and want to fix it, but this seems so under researched. Where do I begin? I'm currently on Vyvanse, and have been exploring an increased dose. I feel like it helps, I have some oomph in the mornings, and it seems to help with my emotional reactivity, I seem more calm and make less errors in my work, however as I climb the doses, I seem to get really sleepy if I'm bored or stressed out. It's the same paradoxical effect I get with caffeine, if I'm tired I sleep. If I'm alert I get hyped.
What gives? Why is my brain so content to lock itself into a fantasy world that tortures me relentlessly with my inner critic, and does anyone have any similar experiences or advice?
I'm going to start NAC as that seems to be the prevalent advice going on here, but I'm curious as to what benefits it actually offers you? What do you notice on it? What else has helped? Have you had similar experiences with feeling locked in your head? What about the sleeping on Stimulants? Other conditions that may be at play include Autism, cPTSD, central sleep apnea, and fibromyalgia.

First Chapter/Previous Chapter
All seven of them sat down on the benches and began to discuss the village's issues and what they could do to remedy them.
The first problem was something Mrs Verity and Mr Clachas brought up about crop yields being lower than they had been in years, “why do you suppose that is?” Tide asked.
“I don’t know, nothing like this had ever happened before,” Handus replied, “I will ask our older residents if they know anything about this,” he added.
Tamara was listening, and she was thinking, “What exactly is happening?” she said.
There was silence for a few moments until Odalinde replied with another question, “What exactly do you mean?”
Tamara took a breath and clarified, “Well, are the seeds not sprouting? Are the crops not growing as large? Are they simply vanishing or rotting in the field?”
“Why would it matter?” Tide asked.
Tamara gave a mental sigh, “Because if we don’t know what exactly the problem is, we won’t be able to fix it.”
“I don’t know,” Handus replied. “But I will be sure to ask,” he added with a nod.
“So, onto other matters,” said Pancha.
The meeting continued for a couple of hours. Many other problems arose: the barn needed a new roof, rabbits were becoming a nuisance, and there was a sudden shortage of wooden buckets; thankfully, these were all relatively simple to solve.
Once they had decided that there would be a significant increase in the amount of rabbit stew eaten for the next few weeks, their business together was almost concluded, and there was one last order of business to settle, that of Samuel.
Though no one here truly cared about Samuel’s well-being, they all felt it was best to know what he was up to.
Everyone was quiet, and everyone, apart from Handus, looked at the ground.
After an hour, Odalinde half-heartedly said, “So what can you tell us about?” she paused in the middle of her sentence and then started again. “I mean, what has?” she stopped again; she was clearly worried about how to word her question.
In the end, Tamara got tired of these lazy attempts and, just like every other time, asked the question for them, “Do you mean to ask how Samuel is doing?”
They all, in eerie unison, nodded. They had long since decided that it was simply best to roll with it; Tamara could be scary when she was angry.
“Yes,” Handus answered.
“Well, he’s doing fine, no health complaints, as far as I am aware,” she stopped for a moment and added, “Oh, and our study of the forest is coming along nicely. Yesterday, we went to the lake and found thousands of crabs making their way across the beach, so we’ve got to add them to the encyclopaedia.”
“The what?” Tide asked; he had never heard that word before.
“You know those things I take with me and write in?” Tamara asked.
“Yes,” Tide answered.
“Well, they’re called books, and there are different types of books. Some have stories written in them, and others have facts in them. An encyclopaedia is a book or several books that have as many facts as you can get about certain things, in this case, the forest and the plants and animals that live in it,” Tamara added.
“What’s the point of this writing? It seems like a lot of fluff and nonsense to me,” Tide replied, more confused than before.
“Samuel does it so that in case he forgets anything, he can just look it up in his books,” Tamara replied, trying to explain this alien concept as best as she could.
This did not have the desired effect, and Tide, more confused than before, asked: “Why can’t he just remember it?”
Tamara paused for a moment. She knew the answer, but she was trying to think whether or not it would be beneficial to tell them.
In the end, she decided she would, after all, a flaw makes you seem less intimidating, “Because his memory is not as good as ours. For example, if you asked him what he had for dinner three months ago, he would not be able to tell you.”
Then, a steady stream of chuckling began from everyone present, even Tide, who usually tried his best to keep a straight face.
“Are you telling me he can’t remember something as simple as that?” Odalinde said through short breath, “I guess he’s not as cunning as I thought.”
Tamara was angry; after all, they were laughing at Samuel, but she also remembered something he had told her, “You don’t laugh at people you’re afraid of.”
“I think we should pass on this writing. After all, it would be the death of memory,” Pancha said as the laughter died down.
In a hushed whisper, one that no one could hear, Tamara said: “we’ll see?”
Everyone said their farewells and Pancha and Tamara headed off to finish the rest of their business. Unlike any other meeting, before she left this one feeling good, she finally felt as though she was making progress.
The pair began to wander through the market; they did not need anything, but part of their job was to listen to the problems the other villagers had, focusing on the Lamia’s troubles in particular.
There was seldom anything dramatic or life-threatening that had to be addressed. It was mostly a few mistakes with food distribution or someone breaking a plant pot. The only major problem that had occurred in recent memory that could not be solved with a stern talking to was the fire that, two years ago, had obliterated half the village and had almost cost Tamara her life.
As the smell of wood smoke and the cries of her friends started to creep from her mind, she heard a voice cry out.
“Pancha, Tamara!” the pair turned to face the source of the noise and saw Mr Ummo's face. He was unusually short, though, for a Lamia, this was more a matter of choice than biology.
He had dirt-coloured hair and strangely beautiful eyes; they were the same colour as his hair, but the pattern was reminiscent of a mosaic. He wore a sunflower yellow tunic, and along his back was a series of diamond patterns from the base of his spine, in human terms, all the way to the tip of his tail, which changed into a collection of pale brown lumps.
Mr Ummo’s tail was moving wildly from side to side, and a distinctive sound emanated from the tip like dry peas shaking in a canister.
Pancha put one hand on his shoulder and another on his chest and said: “breathe!”
Pancha began taking slow, deep breaths, and Mr Ummo copied her. As his tail relaxed and the noise like a thousand angry bees vanished, Pancha asked: “what’s the matter, Ummo?”
Mr Ummo took several more breaths and finally said, “Well, it’s about my fuchsias.”
Tamara tried to suppress a giggle, how typical of Mr Ummo.
“What exactly is the problem, Ummo?” Pancha asked, using her most motherly voice.
“It started about a week ago; all of a sudden, my plants started to wither. They’re not dead; they just look sick,” he replied, trying to explain as best he could.
“So, what have you tried so far?” Tamara asked.
“I tried watering them and giving them more sunlight, but nothing seems to work,” answered Ummo. The cogs of Tamara's brain started to turn, and she remembered what Handus had said about the poor quality of the crops.
Tamara walked over to Pancha and whispered in her ear, “Mom, remember what Handus said about the fields?”
Pancha heard this, and her mind also connected the dots, and she whispered back, “You think that they are the same thing?”
As Pancha and Tamara talked amongst themselves, they overheard Mr Ummo say, “I hope it’s nothing in the pots.”
The two stopped their conversation immediately, turned their heads simultaneously and looked him dead in the eye. “What did you say?” Pancha asked.
Ummo’s tail began to shake again, and the furious rattle returned.
“You’re not in trouble; we just want to know if the fuchsias are kept in pots,” Pancha stated once again, using her motherly voice.
Ummo’s tail relaxed, “Yeah, why?”
Tamara let out a small sigh and asked: “when did you plant them?”
Mr Ummo was no longer worried, just confused, and answered: “About a year and a half ago.”
Pancha placed her hand on his shoulder and told him, “The roots have outgrown the pots, so you have to either put them in bigger pots or plant them in the ground!”
Mr Ummo’s face lit up at once, and he gave Pancha a long and very tight hug. “You’re both so smart,” he said cheerfully. “Thank you.”
Pancha patted him on the shoulder and sent him on his way. Mr Ummo walked away, turning every five seconds to wave goodbye until he was finally out of sight.
“That was a lot of worry for nothing,” Tamara said in a slight huff.
Pancha rested her hand on her daughter’s shoulder and said: “it wasn’t nothing.”
Tamara's eyes squinted, and she replied, “all that happened was he didn’t replant his fuchsias; that wasn’t a big problem.”
“True, but it was still a problem, and it was big to him,” Pancha added.
Pancha gave her daughter a gentle pat on her back and headed further into the market. Tamara followed, though she kept a small distance between her and her mother, not because she was angry but because she was deep in thought about what her mother had told her.
As she strolled through the crowds, she was able to overhear glimpses of a few other problems that had occurred, one of them being something about having a hole in their bucket, but Tamara dismissed them; she just could not see why a bunch of fuchsias was on the same level as shrinking vegetables and a human falling into their lap.
The day passed rather slowly, and they heard the troubles of dozens of people. By the end, Tamara had put both Pancha’s words and the news from Handus to one side; now, she just wanted to spend the rest of the day with her friends.
Tamara and Pancha had travelled to every part of the village, from the edge of the fields to the front doors of the residential district, and they had become tired. The pair headed back home, though they took a slight detour heading towards a house several streets from theirs.
“Mom, just wait here for a few moments!” Tamara said as she headed towards the front door and gave it several knocks. It took several moments, but eventually, she heard a scrambling noise from behind the door, and an unexpected face peered out from behind it.
The first part that poked out was a pair of yellow horns followed by a head full of white fluffy hair, kept short as with most Boreray, with several blue ribbons tastefully arranged. The girl’s face lit up when she realised who was in front of her, and she virtually jumped from the door frame. She gave her a crushing bear hug and yelled, “Tamara!”
“Not in my ear!” Tamara shouted as Becanda’s high-pitched voice nearly ruptured her eardrum.
Becanda let Tamara go and said, “Sorry.” Tamara held up her hand to say that no harm had been done.
Tamara’s face produced a wiry smile, and she said: “What are you doing here, Becanda? Are you going to spend the night smooching with Hansad?”
Becanda erupted like a volcano, and she virtually glowed with embarrassment. “w… wh… what are you saying!” Becanda screamed.
Tamara giggled and Becanda started to hit Tamara, though her blows were so light that it was more comical than painful.
Behind Becanda came another voice, even more high-pitched than Becanda’s, “What’s all the noise?”
From a room at the end of the hallway came a Cicindeli boy with black hair, cut short but unkempt, and chitin; he wore an orange tunic and a bright red stone hanging from a simple leather string around his neck.
“Oh, it’s you. Hello Tamara, are you ok?” Hansad asked.
Tamara got her giggles under control and replied: “Yes, I came to see if you wanted to come to my house?”
Hansad finally got to the door and stood side by side with Becanda. He was slightly taller than her, though they were nowhere near as tall as Tamara, which was unsurprising since they were both nine. However, Tamara had a solution, and she lowered herself down on her tail so that she only stood half a head taller than them.
Hansad scratched his head and said, “Umm, I don’t mind, but only if Becanda wants to.” He looked at Becanda and noticed her flushed face, but he thought nothing of it; Tamara often teased her.
“I don’t mind,” Becanda said, smiling ever so slightly.
Tamara spotted this and said, “My, what a gentleman you are.”
There was another bout of blushing from the two of them, and Hansad was able to mutter, “I’ll just go tell Mum and Dad,” and darted down the hallway and into a room on the left that Tamara knew was the kitchen.
Tamara turned back to Becanda and said: “stop trying to imitate a tomato and come say hello to my mom!” Becanda let out a small chuckle and followed Tamara down the path towards where Pancha was leaning on a fence post. Tamara's mind wandered for a moment at how strange it was that every house had a fence; after all, no one ever tried to keep anyone out of their home.
“Hello, Becanda, those are some lovely ribbons you have there,” Pancha chirped.
“Thank you, Mrs Pancha; how are you today?” Becanda shyly replied.
Pancha turned to look at the house across the street, thinking about exactly how to respond and then said: “I’m fine, a little overworked but fine.”
Pancha paused briefly and then asked, “What was all that racket a little while back? Was my daughter teasing people again?” giving Tamara a sharp but completely innocent look.
Becanda smiled back and said, “Yes, she’s a naughty girl.”
Not long after Hansad arrived and said hello to Pancha, the four of them set off to Tamara’s house. Apart from Samuel, Tamara had no better friends in the world than these two; she had been friends with them for as long as she could remember. They had not talked in several days, and she was eager to catch up with what they had done since their adventure into the woods three days ago.
As she had expected, not a lot had happened. Hansad and Becanda had spent most of their time together, though Hansad had a nasty run-in with the kitchen cupboard; it had come off its supports and nearly fallen on his head, it had given him a fright and taught him to stop swinging on the cupboards doors, but he was unharmed.
It was a short walk back home, and Pancha held the front door open for the pack of children that charged through the doorway.
“We’re going to my room,” Tamara called as they headed through the kitchen and up the stairs.
Pancha called out, “Fine, but I’m going to see Caltha, so play safe!”
Tamara paused at the top of the stairs and yelled, “K!”
Just like her mother, Tamara held open the door for her friends Hansad and Becanda, both sat on Tamara’s bed.
“What do you think your mom and my mom are going to talk about?” Becanda asked as Tamara coiled her tail around herself with her body standing erect in the centre; if looked at from above, she looked like a giant cinnamon roll.
“Not sure, probably something about your and Hansad impending marriage,” Tamara said with a cheeky smile.
Both Becanda’s and Hansad’s faces started to glow, and in almost perfect symmetry, they said: “stop teasing us!”
Tamara's smile widened, but she knew how far to push things and said, “Fine, I’ll stop.”
“Promise?” Becanda asked.
“Yes, I promise,” Tamara answered honestly, and she let the two lovebirds calm down. She did not know why they were so shy about it. Everyone in the entire village knew they would get married when they were older; they simply adored each other too much for there to be any other outcome.
Once the two of them had relaxed, they began to strike up a conversation again. What they were most keen on was what Tamara had spent her time doing. She explained that most of her time had been used to help out the people of the village, and though she felt that it was all terribly boring, Tamara could tell from their faces that Hansad and Becanda found it all fascinating, and they were eager to hear the gossip.
They talked about the weather, a deer that Becanda had seen and the new chair Hansad’s mother was bringing home tomorrow. What Becanda said next, however, caught Tamara’s attention: “There has been something strange about our food recently; it’s not as nice as it used to be.”
Tamara’s ear almost twitched, and she asked: “what exactly do you mean?”
Becanda put her hand up to her chin and said: “Well, it’s not as sweet as before, and they taste watery.”
“Hmm, that’s weird” Tamara nodded in agreement. “How long ago did this start?” Tamara asked, hoping to glean more information.
“It happened after the trickle of fresh produce came in,” Becanda answered.
“A month ago?” Tamara asked, trying to gain as much accurate information as possible as she raised herself up on her tail.
“No, it didn’t happen right away; it was one week and three days after, to be specific,” said Becanda helpfully.
Tamara lowered herself back down and began to think.
“It could all be a coincidence, but if it isn’t, then does that mean that it actually started just under two weeks ago?” Tamara said none of this aloud and instead replied to Becanda with, “That’s weird!” She would have to wait until Handus got back to her, and then she would ask Samuel.
Hansad let himself fall, and his body sank deep into the feather mattress, and Tamara said: “Don’t do that again. You’ll rip the seams!”
He called out from the deep valley of cloth and goose down, “fine.”
Becanda smiled and then noticed the leather satchel beside the chest. “What’s in there?” she asked.
Without even looking in the direction Becanda pointed, she knew exactly what she meant.
“It’s a satchel filled with books,” she answered nonchalantly but added quickly, “That reminds me!” She extended herself like a coiled rope pulled from a moving ship and sat at her desk.
Tamara gathered some paper, a clay pot filled with ink and a quill and carefully drew one of the crabs she had seen yesterday. While writing was unheard of before Samuel, drawing was not, and Tamara had always had a knack for it. Yet there were no painters or artists, and drawing was an activity only children did, or on rare occasions, parents played with them.
“Tamara?” Becanda called from the bed.
“Yes?” Tamara replied, trying to visualise how it would turn out.
“Can I have a look at the books?” Becanda asked tentatively.
After a slight pause, Tamara turned around and answered, “Yes, but treat them gently like you would a flower petal.”
Becanda nodded to show she would comply and brought the satchel and the precious papers they contained.
Carefully fishing out one of the tomes, Becanda could see strange squiggles on the front, and she asked Tamara, “Is this that writing you invented?”
Tamara was about to correct her, but then she remembered how well that had gone the day before and replied, “Yes.” Tamara would try another plan.
Flicking through the pages, Becanda tried to make the lines talk and even enlisted Hansad to help. Meanwhile, Tamara was beginning her soldier crab, taking care that she made no mistakes.
While drawing, she realised that it was strange that everyone believed she had invented the written word. She had told enough people it was Samuel, and gossip usually shot through the village like lightning.
“Maybe it's because I mentioned Samuel,” she thought; he had become a taboo subject after all.
Shortly after she had finished the body and legs, Hansad came up behind her and said: “Tamara, we can’t understand the words.”
Tamara did not look at him; instead remained focused on the eye stalks and stated: “Of course you can’t. I haven’t taught you yet.”
Hansad did not move, and Tamara knew what he wanted. “I will show you after I have finished this.”
About twenty minutes later, she was done. Tamara placed her quill back in the pot and let it dry for several minutes. It was an impressive drawing if she did say so herself. It captured one of the crabs feeding on the sand, and it almost looked like it would start moving any second. Before she forgot, Tamara picked up the quill and wrote Soldier Crab at the top of the page and in the bottom right-hand corner, she placed her signature.
Tamara left the desk and sat between the pair; she took the book out of Becanda’s hand and said: “Ok, let’s close the book.”
“This is called the cover, and this here…” Tamara said, pointing towards the writing on the front “is the title.”
“And what does it say?” Hansad asked.
“An Encyclopaedia of Local Flora,” Tamara replied.
The three of them examined the book and its pages for several hours; by the end, Hansad and Becanda had grasped the basics of the alphabet and could even read simple words. As the group reached “Lilium Auratum (Mountain Lily), Pancha called out from the bottom of the stairs.
“Becanda, your mom’s calling you; it’s time for your dinner!”
“Ok, I’m coming,” Becanda shouted back. Becanda stood up, turned to face Tamara and said: “can you teach us more tomorrow?”
Tamara closed the book and replied, “Sorry, I have someone I have to meet tomorrow, but I should be free a few days from now.” Becanda nodded and left through the door; she knew precisely who Tamara meant.
Hansad looked from Tamara to the door; she sighed and gestured towards the door, “go be with your girlfriend!”
He smiled at this order and quickly chased after Becanda, saying, “Thanks” as he darted down the stairs.
Left alone in her room, the sudden silence slightly perturbed her; however, she did appreciate that she could now finish her drawings. She placed the book back into the satchel and gently set it down by the chest.
Sitting back down at her desk, she began to finish three other drawings of the Durian tree, its fruit and finally, one of wheat.
Finished, she set aside the paper to dry, put her desk back into proper order, placed the chair neatly under the desk and followed the same root her two friends had taken an hour earlier.
She stopped in the hall and entered the room on the left; inside were three chairs facing one another with hefty soft cushions on the seats and a small table beside each one. They sat on a sizeable sky-blue woollen rug with the same black diamond on her tunics.
On the far side of the room was a fireplace with a simple stone chimney; besides, it was a pile of wood and a small metal container on its left that was filled with tinder. Hanging from an old rusty nail in the centre of the fireplace was an iron striker.
In one of the chairs was Pancha, with a pair of knitting needles and a ball of wool on her lap. It was too early to tell what she was making, and Tamara never asked; it was far more fun to guess.
Pancha looked up from her work, smiled at her daughter and asked: “what’s kept you so busy?” Tamara sat in an opposing chair and said: “I was drawing trees and the like.”
“Ah,” Pancha replied. As Pancha’s needles clacked together, Tamara closed her eyes and focused on it; she found the noise soothing.
“I assume you’ll be gone for most of the day tomorrow,” Pancha stated, disturbing the silence. Shocked by the sudden addition of sound, Tamara almost jumped out of her seat. Pancha gave her daughter a sly smile and chuckled at this quick burst of activity. It was not what she intended, but it was funny nonetheless.
When she had settled down, Tamara answered: “yeah, I might not be back until dusk.”
Pancha closed her eyes and nodded, adding “ok, just be careful.”
Tamara nodded back and said, “I will.”
There was quiet once again, and Tamara began sifting through her memories to make sure that there was nothing she had forgotten to do before the sunset and robbed her of the chance.
As she sat rocking her head back and forth, it came to her. “Mom!” she said.
Pancha did not look up from her work but replied, “Yes?”
“I’ve noticed that it has been taking me longer to get up in the morning than before. Why?”
Pancha smiled again and said, “that just means you’re growing up. When we get bigger, it takes us longer to warm up in the morning.”
Relieved that there was nothing wrong with her, she let out a slight puff of air from her nostrils, but then a new question popped into her head: “why does it take longer to warm up when we get bigger?”
The needles stopped, and the noise they made with them; Pancha rested them and the woolly item she was crafting on her lap. “I don’t know, it’s just what happens when we grow up,” she responded, her eye squinting slightly with thought.
This answer did not satisfy Tamara at all, but she knew that she would get no more useful information from her mother, so she decided that tomorrow, she would turn to the only font of wisdom she knew.
The sun began to set, and Pancha put her work to one side and walked towards the fireplace, taking some tinder and a chunk of flint from the box. Striking the iron and flint together sparks leapt from the metal and fell on the tinder, which began to glow. Giving a gentle blow, a small flame rose, and shortly, a roaring fire bathed the room with a soft light and a warm glow.
In the last hour before, it had become too cold for even the fire to keep them warm. Tamara sat back and enjoyed the peace. She focused on the crackling of the fire, and slowly, her eyes became heavy, and her head started to nod.
“Tamara,” Pancha said gently.
“Yeah,” Tamara replied, slurring her words slightly.
“I think you should go to bed,” Pancha added.
Before Tamara could start arguing about how she wasn’t seven or that she wasn’t sleepy, she let out a giant yawn that was irrefutable proof she was wrong.
Tamara sat up, wobbled slightly as her tail adjusted to the sudden weight and headed for the door; as she passed through the frame, she said, “Night Mom.”
Pancha kept knitting and said, “Goodnight, sweetie, and pleasant dreams.”
Once back into the familiar security of her room, Tamara’s weariness only increased. With great effort, she pulled off her tunic and slipped on her pyjamas. However, she had had a too-trying a day to fold her tunic up. She considered placing her drawing in the satchel, but the bed’s call was far too alluring.
Falling onto her bed, she could feel the cold mattress and sheets draining her heat away. Crawling under the covers, Tamara rested her head on the pillows and pulled the last part of her tail up with her.
As she lay there, she thought about Samuel and remembered that he had to spend the whole day alone whenever she did not visit. She could not even imagine a life like that. There was no one in the village that she could not talk to, no one who would not take her in if something terrible happened, but Samuel, if she stopped visiting, might spend the rest of his life alone.
Tamara had been successful once with a man called Aarush, but he was a wanderer and never spent more than a month anywhere. The next time he visited, which could be half a decade away, she would try and convince him to stay.
“I hope Samuels okay,” she mumbled as she drifted off to sleep, and in her final moments of lucidity, she added, “I like daffodils.”
If you like what you've read so far and want to know where it's going you can find the complete story by following the links below.
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Previous case
Victor hadn't been kidding when he'd said that the mechanic was going to become more aggressive. The only reason why this week wasn't my last was because I'd had Orion behind me as well as a plethora of precautions in place.
(If you're not familiar with what Orion Pest Control's services are, it may help to start here.)
For example, at Orion, all employees are advised to get lockboxes for their mail rather than regular mailboxes. It would be far too easy for a Neighbor to follow one of us home and fish out a piece of mail to find our names. This is only recommended for people who've had frequent or unpleasant interactions with the Neighbors.
You could also ward off your mailbox with iron. Salt, as always, would work as well, but I'm sure your mailman wouldn't appreciate getting seasoned every time he simply tries to give you your junk mail.
When it comes to monetary transactions, cash or pre-loaded debit cards are the safest, unless you can be certain beyond a reasonable doubt that the person ringing you out is human.
Another precaution that I've taken when it comes to the mechanic is that I've bought a cast iron fire poker from an antique store. Iron is one of the most effective weapons against the Neighbors, though it's best to think of it as an allergy rather than a perfect repellant. Some Neighbors will crumple instantly if they're within a few feet of it while others need direct contact in order to cause anything worse than hive-covered burns.
Given that the mechanic must have frequent exposure to iron during his daytime profession, I have to wonder how effective it is against him. I do see him wearing gloves from time to time, so it must do something, even if it's a minor skin irritation. Either it's a pride thing or he's just that committed to the ‘mechanic’ bit.
I've been keeping the poker in the company truck. Even if it's not lethal to him, I’m sure that getting smacked over the head with it probably wouldn't feel too good. Along with that, I've restocked my salt shells. If the mechanic decides to try anything, he'll have an arsenal waiting for him.
I don't have any delusions about being able to kill him. I think that's something only a true hero could accomplish. I'm talking about legendary individuals like Cú Chullainn, Beowulf, or Māui. People whose deeds are so great that their stories live on to this day. Find someone like that in the modern age. (Though, I would argue that Marc-André Fluery comes close. Flyers fans, don't interact.)
Reyna suggested bathing the hagstone in saltwater to amplify its deterring effects. She also wrapped red thread along the outside of the ring, explaining that it should help enhance its protective properties.
It's a good thing, too. Since my last interaction with the mechanic, promptly at dusk, I would hear the beating of wings outside, and always from the west. I risked a glance out the window one night to find a murder of crows. Ever since I saw that the birds’ shadows move independently of their owners, I don't look at them. I ignore their calls. I know who they serve.
After Reyna's additions, the hagstone vibrates against my chest whenever they're near.
However, in my case, these were only temporary solutions, unless I wanted to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life and fearing death even more than I did before. But in the meantime… raccoons.
A client called about hearing scratching and chattering in her attic. Her uninvited guest also put a hole in her siding. In other words, it was enough of a mess to momentarily distract me from my own problems.
Raccoons are incredibly destructive, chewing up anything that they can get their little hands on. From the client's description, it sounded like we could be dealing with a nest. Mother raccoons can be especially feisty when it comes to protecting their young, so I had Reyna join me in case there were any kits.
At Orion, we are licensed to use humane trapping methods on smaller wildlife, so don't worry, no garbage kitties are being harmed. Though I want yinz to know that raccoons are not to be underestimated. They may not try to take your soul, like some pests out there will, but they can spread a variety of diseases, including rabies and roundworm among others. They also present a major fire hazard when they claw their way into a home since they can chew through wiring like nothing.
The first thing we had to do was identify the garbage kitties’ entry point. Reyna opted to go on the roof while I investigated the attic.
The first thing I noticed was the telltale stench of dried urine. Yup, those were droppings over there in the corner. Delightful. Looking around, I found that the raccoons had torn out a few chunks of the insulation, but nothing that wouldn't be too difficult or expensive to replace. All in all, it seemed like it'd be an easy call.
Then I felt the hagstone begin to tremble. Not long after, Reyna screamed.
I rushed out, my heart surging with panic as I was greeted with the frenzied calls of crows. Shit! They followed me.
She was on the ground, swinging her silver-tipped knife clumsily against the swarm of black feathers swirling around her. I heard her cry out again as I got closer to her, then suddenly, the cloud of feathers dispersed, twisting towards the sky with a cacophony of angered caws. Reyna had managed to get some salt on them before they could gouge her eyes out.
My hand was coated with blood as I guided Reyna towards the house. She'd managed to keep her eyes, but they’d shredded her with their beaks and talons. I could feel her shaking as we retreated from the horde. Reyna tried to hide it, but she was crying, the tears mingling with the blood covering her nose and cheeks like a bandit's mask.
The whole time, the hagstone didn't stop vibrating. I think that was the only thing keeping the horde from coming after us. Their calls were piercing as we took cover in the house.
The client was alarmed when she saw the state Reyna was in, “What psycho ass raccoons do I have?!”
I promised I'd explain later (I honestly don't remember what bullshit story I gave her) then asked her to watch over Reyna as I went out to get the emergency first aid kit we keep in the truck.
Reyna held me in a grip so tight that it left bruises, pleading, “Don't go out there! Please!”
Now that we weren't on the run, I could see the injuries on her face more clearly. The deepest one went through her right eyebrow towards the bridge of her nose. The rest were shallow, painful-looking cuts that criss crossed over her skin.
“They can't come near me. And I’ve got something in the truck that’ll make them think twice.” I assured her.
She didn't let go. I couldn't find it in me to pry her fingers off, so instead, I put my hand over hers, hoping that it was comforting.
The client gently pressed a paper towel to the side of Reyna’s face, her voice heart-achingly motherly as she uttered, “It's okay, honey. Everything's going to be alright.”
I'm not sure if it was from pain or something else, but Reyna noticeably stiffened when the client spoke to her in that maternal tone, closing her eyes as if to keep more tears from falling. Her clutch loosened until my wrist was freed, her hand dropping limply to her side.
The fucking birds sounded like they were laughing when I marched out to the truck. The sound grated on me as I snatched the fire poker and the first aid kit.
“Laugh at this!” I snapped as I swung the poker at the nearest crow.
It let out a squeal as the poker grazed its wing, hopping as far out of reach as it could afterwards. They didn't cackle after that.
After we cleaned Reyna's injuries up, they didn't look quite as terrible, but just to be safe, I dragged her to the hospital. Thankfully, the client was an absolute angel about the whole thing and understood that one of our employees being injured was going to be a setback. I called up Victor to inform him of the situation as well as the entry points that we’d found; he took over where Reyna and I left off.
On the way to the hospital, Reyna muttered, “So… does my little Alfred Hitchcock moment initiate me as an official Orion employee?”
Wearily, I gave her a small chuckle, “Yeah, you're one of us, now. Lucky you!”
“Hey, I’ll take the murder birds over Psycho Mantis.” She replied with a small smile.
Her nickname for the mechanic. I think it's from a video game. I don't know. Never quite got into them.
It was quiet for a moment. The smile faded away as she distantly said, “I think that's how they do it. They take your eyes, they take you, you know?”
I nodded, feeling a lump in the back of my throat, thinking about how the mechanic can control someone just by meeting their gaze. “I think you might be right about that.”
I couldn't help but wonder if the Hunt had attacked her simply because she's an Orion employee or if they were drawn to her because of something else. Was she grieving over something? I didn't know her well enough at that point to be able to tell. They hadn't hesitated to go for her eyes. If that was the case, that'd make her the most vulnerable of the three of us.
Another thing I want yinz to know when it comes to dealing with the atypical: if you or a loved one has been harmed, one of the best things you can do is to support the victim. And if you need support yourself, ignore that stupid little voice in your head that tells you not to bother anyone and reach out. Isolation will destroy you in more ways than one.
After I got Reyna settled at the hospital, I made a beeline to the river to find another hagstone. Clearly, Reyna was going to need one, too.
Naturally, the stupid birds followed me, causing my hagstone to quiver nonstop. I went into the woods armed with my toolbelt and the iron poker. I opted out of taking the shotgun simply because I was going to need a free hand to look for another hagstone. There was a part of me that hoped that one of them would try something so that I'd have the opportunity to smack the shit out of them.
While I was searching, among the crows’ calls, I heard whispers. They sounded close, like they came from behind some brush about twenty feet away, but I believed the False Egg when it said that the whispering thing likes to confuse its victims. Without listening to what they were saying, I glanced around as the river's cold water rushed around my boots, trying to figure out what was stalking me.
The whispers pretended to move further away. But still, I couldn't see the thing causing them. I clutched the poker tighter. The crows had stopped their chattering. They heard the voices, too. Hold on. What were they all looking at?
Gingerly, I pulled out the hagstone and held it to my eye in the direction of the crows' gazes. At first, it looked like one of the trees, until I was able to make out a triangular head with eyes the size of basketballs. It held up two massive, folded appendages that were lined with sharp spines. It looked to be as tall as a draft horse, yet it was so still that I couldn't even tell if this huge animal was breathing. The whispers were quieter than they'd ever been before.
Those huge eyes were fixed on me. I didn’t dare move.
One of the ‘crows’ glided to the ground near to the whispering thing, passing in front of my field of view. I stifled a shudder when I saw the state of its frail, humanoid body. Its skin clung like molten wax to its ribs and spine. Tattered wings extended from the sides of its torso, the feathers looking as if they were ripped from numerous other avians and fused to the miserable animal's stretched, contorted arms to make it fly. Where the eyes should have been were empty sockets. A curved beak had been forced onto the creature as well, driven into the skull hard enough to leave ridged, fleshy lumps.
Now that I've seen it, I think the crows were human, once. Transformed and disfigured to serve the Wild Hunt.
The crow shuffled a little too close to the whispering thing. Quicker than a blink, the whispering thing's folded appendage shot forward, curving around the crow's midsection, spikes driving into the crow's torso. My mind could barely keep up as the whispering thing then bit the crow's head clean off with a terrible crunch.
The other crows began to frenzy, shrieking as they dove towards the whispering thing. Without having to take a step, it snatched another crow out of the air. Flesh ripped with a wet tearing sound.
Since the animals were all focused on each other, I took the opportunity to dig frantically around for a hagstone, holding my own against my eye in the hopes it would lead me to another one.
There was a low hum that I felt more than heard. Deep within my chest, as if I was standing next to an amp at a concert. This was followed by an enraged screech from one of the crows. Still, I kept looking.
There had to be one. There just had to be!
One circular, black rock stood out among the rest, the water seeming to outline it from the view of my hagstone. There! I plucked it out of the water, looking over my shoulder to see if either the crows or the whispering thing were paying attention to me. They were too engrossed with trying to tear each other apart.
I shoved the black hagstone into my pocket and made a break for it, poker at the ready. One of the crows noticed and let out an ear-splitting cry to alert the others.
As I ran, I checked back to see that three of the crows split off to pursue me. I wasn't worried about them catching me. The whispering thing was another matter. This was only my second time encountering it and I hadn't had enough information to identify it, so I didn't want to find out the hard way if the defenses I had on me would be enough to stop it from tearing me apart like it did the crows.
There was another low hum that rumbled against my ribs as the whispering thing used one of its forelegs to swipe a crow out of its way. It had lost interest in them, its huge amber eyes focused on me once again. I prayed that the crows swarming around it would be enough to slow it down.
As I raced through the trees back to where the company truck waited, the whispers started anew. They became louder and clearer the faster I went, interrupted by the shrill cries of the crows tailing me. I did my best not to listen to any of them. The last thing I needed was to get led astray by any of my pursuers.
A crow swooped close enough for me to smack it with the poker. The sound the bird made when the iron scalded its skin made my teeth clench. The others joined it, bringing me to my knees, my ears ringing. High pitched, grating, like broken glass against a chalkboard. Disoriented, I swung desperately with the iron poker again, not hitting anything.
And among all that, the whispers hadn't stopped. My head rang, ears going numb. I swung again. One of the shrieks stopped as the poker found its mark. Even as the auditory assault continued, I got to my feet, grabbing the trees closest to me to keep myself going. The whispers became even more frantic as its prey got further and further away. The truck was right there.
The two crows tailing me had finally stopped their dreadful screaming and simmered down to furious clicking sounds with their beaks, as if they could think of nothing but stripping the flesh from my bones.
When one tested the limits of the hagstone as I got close to the truck, I swatted at it with the poker, the tip colliding with the creature's skull. The crow’s body crashed against an oak’s trunk, then went still.
As soon as I cleared the treeline, the whispering stopped. I looked over my shoulder. The whispering thing was retreating, only visible for a brief moment before blending in among the trees.
It couldn't leave the forest. That was good to know.
I closed myself into the truck, leaving the furious crows outside. They glared at me from the branches of a nearby oak. After taking a moment to collect myself, I drove back to the hospital, wanting to hand the black hagstone off to Reyna before anything else.
At a stop sign, I got a text from Victor: he had finished setting traps for the client's raccoon infestation and was going to meet me at the hospital.
Reyna was chilling in her hospital bed, face bandaged, wearing a hideous blue hospital gown decorated with faded green and pink squares.
“Guess who got her rabies shots!” She announced with a sleepy grin, holding her hand up in a shaka.
Someone was clearly given the good painkillers.
Victor arrived a few minutes later, wearing a black mask that covered his mouth and nose, smelling strongly of lavender. It made my nose itch.
“Why do you smell like an old lady?” I complained.
The mask intensified his withering stare, voice muffled by the mask, “Lotta blood around here. Probably wouldn't be too good if I smelled it.”
Reyna chimed in, slurring slightly, “If you're gonna eat anyone, go for the receptionist. He was reading Anne Rice, so he'd probably be into it.”
It was Reyna's turn to get The Glare. He said flatly, “You're high as a kite, aren't you?”
Reyna flashed a peace sign.
To summarize Reyna's condition, she's as okay as she can be. They had to close up her eyebrow and cheek, and they gave her a plethora of shots to make sure that she didn't catch any diseases from the crows. The hospital doctor wanted to keep her overnight to make sure that she didn't have an infection, then afterwards, she was going to take some time off of work to recover.
Also, I slipped the black hagstone into her purse so that it wouldn't be misplaced.
After we discussed Reyna's injuries, I decided to address the elephant in the room, “So… what can we do about the mechanic?”
Reyna shrugged, “Grovel and plead for our lives?”
Victor rubbed his eyes. “We might be a bit past that point.”
I asked Victor about the specifics of his deal with the mechanic. I knew that there had to be some sort of condition that had to be fulfilled before the mechanic could take someone, otherwise I probably wouldn't be alive to type this right now. Reyna was equally curious.
The boss seemed reluctant to speak on this matter, at first. I told Victor that he didn't have to share anything if there was any possibility of retaliation. The last thing I wanted was for him to be punished in some horrific manner for trying to help me.
He eventually shrugged a shoulder in resignation, “Whatever happens, I can handle it. It didn't take him long to figure out that I was the one that helped you find the hagstone. That wasn't pleasant, but…” He went quiet for a second, his eyes glazing in a way that reminded me of when I first came home from active duty. He then shrugged again, “I'm willing to risk it if that means getting a chance to hurt him back someday. Lord knows it's been a long time coming.”
He didn't tell us what the consequences had been for assisting me, and neither Reyna nor I pressed the issue. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.
Even though I was nervous to hear the answer, I didn't pull any punches and straight up asked, “Why hasn't the mechanic sent you after me yet?”
Victor considered for a moment, then explained, “I'm not sure on the specifics, since the mechanic doesn’t tell me anything other than what I need to know to get the job done. But from what I can tell, he takes those who are dead, dying, or… ‘dead inside,’ I guess is the best way to put it. Some souls appear to be harder for him to take than others. The hard ones need to be… broken down first. As of right now, he says you're not ready.”
Reyna numbly asked, “So if the birds tried to nab me, does that mean that I am ‘ready’? That they could take me at any moment?”
Victor hesitated before replying, “We won't let that happen. Alright?”
Reyna nodded, eyes low.
I wanted to ask her what was going on. Figure out why she was suffering in a way that made her fair game to the crows. But she'd been through enough for one day. That discussion could wait for another time.
My next question was another one that I dreaded the answer to, “And where do you come into all of this, Vic?”
Regretfully, Victor admitted, “I bring him the ones that are ready if he can't get to them himself.”
He glanced at Reyna, “As of right now, keep that hagstone on at all times. Even wear it when you're sleeping. The mechanic didn't know who you were initially, but I guarantee the fucking Lessers tipped him off. I think he’s more focused on Nessa, at the moment, but if I get sent after you, hit me with iron, salt me, do whatever and don't feel bad about it. Same goes for you, Nessa.”
I hated this. I hated that he was being used like this. I hated that he spoke about someday being sent to drag one of us to meet our fate at the hands of the Wild Hunt as if it was unavoidable.
The air suddenly felt like it was much thinner in the room. Somehow, I got enough oxygen to ask, “What if I learned the mechanic's true name? Would that end this?”
Victor let out a soft scoff, rubbing the bridge of his nose over his mask, “Probably, but good luck with that.”
I had already figured that the mechanic wouldn't dance around a fire singing his true name all willy nilly like Rumpelstiltskin. But I couldn't accept that all of us were screwed. There had to be a way. I had to believe that there was a way.
I announced that I'd be back in the morning. Reyna looked as concerned as her painkillers would allow, while Victor jumped out of his seat.
“What are you going to do?” He demanded.
“I'm going to talk to him.” I replied. “One of us is in the hospital and another one of us is undead-”
“I know it's looking bad right now, but they can easily get worse if whatever you're thinking of doing goes south.” He cautioned.
“I'm just going to see if there's some way I can… I don't know, talk him down? I haven't gotten that far yet, but something needs to be done.”
He didn't look convinced, and with how terrible my argument was, I don't blame him. “I'll go with you.”
I motioned towards Reyna. “And leave her alone?”
Reyna, looking like she was fighting sleep, groggily said, “I got the adder stone and I'm in public. I'll be fine. If you're going to confront Psycho Mantis, you're going to need Vic around more than I will.”
Victor agreed, “Like it or not, you're not handling this alone. Remember what I told you when you got hired in?”
We're not heroes, we're pest control specialists.
You know that thing I said about not isolating yourself? I can be bad about not following my own advice sometimes, especially that one.
Going forward, I do want to note that the decisions that were made on that night were extremely risky and I don't recommend for anyone to repeat them. Believe it or not, we are professionals.
On our way to our destination, we stopped by the 24-hr convenience store. Victor was about to question me until he saw me go for the whipped cream. I also got s'mores supplies, thinking that maybe some bribery would make the mechanic more amiable. I figured that if he rejected them then, hey, I like s'mores, too.
Afterwards, we followed the path to the skull trees.
During our hike, Victor whispered, “That fucker is hubris incarnate, but he's not stupid. If he offers you a deal, know that it's not going to be in your favor. And be careful with the way that he twists words.”
Something noteworthy is that the hagstone doesn't react to Victor. I think it's because he doesn't have the same malicious intentions as his captors. He may have changed after his murder (hell, anyone would) but at his heart, he was still Victor. Meanwhile, as we got closer to the skull tree clearing, I felt the stone gradually begin to quake.
Up ahead, orange light flickered. The mechanic had a small fire going. He lay on a blanket next to it, that cursed banjo on the ground beside him, one arm folded under his head, legs crossed at the ankle. His eyes were closed.
He didn't open them as he greeted us, “I was wondering when you two would show up.”
Keeping my nerves buried beneath the surface, I held up the bag of sugary goodness. “I'm here to negotiate.”
He laughed, still not looking at me. “Are you, now? And what exactly do you think a little thing of cream will get ya?”
“Not much, I imagine.” I said evenly. “But I thought it'd be a good jumping off point.”
Even though I’d originally protested Victor coming with me, I was glad that he was there. I don't think I would've been able to be so level-headed if I'd met with the mechanic alone. It would probably be interpreted as a sign of weakness, but I was counting on that.
As soon as I saw the mechanic begin to crane his neck towards us, I slammed my eyelids shut. He knew way more about me than I'd ever wanted him to know already, and I was afraid of giving him more.
Again, another potential sign of weakness. When it came to trying to get him to back off of Orion a bit, I figured it'd be best if he underestimated me.
I didn't have to see the mechanic to know that he had that wicked grin on his face, “Alrighty. Let's see what you've got.”
A hand that was as cold as the grave gently removed the bag of goodies from my grasp. Victor. Wordlessly, he brought the cavity-inducing offering over to the mechanic. I never realized how quiet his footsteps were until then. He moved like a shadow. He could've been five feet away or five hundred, for all I knew.
There was the rustling of plastic, followed by the trademark sound of whipped cream being sprayed from the nozzle. Sounding slightly less prick-ish, the mechanic told me I had his attention.
I had been trying to find the magic words that would make this whole situation blow over. Nothing that I came up with in my head fit that description.
So I decided to be straight forward, then go from there. “What will it take to de-escalate things between you and Orion?”
The whipped cream wailed once again. A moment later, the mechanic replied, “Why are you asking a question that you already know the answer to?”
“Other than my soul.”
He chuckled softly, the sound too casual and charming for this sinister discussion.
“You know, I’m curious, puppydog,” Fabric rustled. Without looking, I assumed he'd sat up, “Which o’ your parents are you most like?”
Here we fucking go.
I tried to redirect him, “With all due respect, that isn't relevant.”
“Oh, but it is.” His tone of voice brought chills to the back of my neck. “You see, I'd be willing to take a trade. Find a soul as mouth-waterin’ as yours, and all this goes away. Hell, I might even let you rest in peace! You know what choice your father would pick.”
I was hoping that the firelight wouldn't be enough for him to see my face flush and my jaw stiffen. That had touched a nerve, just as he knew it would.
That was also a horrible deal. One that I wouldn't even consider. There was no way that I could condemn someone else to an afterlife of torment. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even that weasel-faced client that I rescued the False Egg from. Not even my father.
Swallowing back the plethora of terrible emotions threatening to bubble up, I suddenly felt Victor subtly squeeze my shoulder supportively. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't hesitate to give anyone who insulted his employees a piece of his mind, but the mechanic was the last Neighbor to mouth off to. That was the best he could do for me, in the moment.
When I informed the mechanic that I wouldn't sacrifice someone else to save my own skin, he laughed again, “If only you knew how many times I heard those exact words! Thing is, I ain't even got started on you, pup. Given enough time, you might find you're more like your old man than you thought.”
I took a deep breath to keep the mixture of dread and anger confined to my chest, then calmly replied, “Sounds like you know exactly how everything will play out. Isn't that boring for you?”
The tension that filled the air after those words left my mouth made my chest feel tight.
The whipped cream can wheezed thoughtfully before the mechanic mildly admitted, “A bit, yeah.”
There it is.
“You already have all of the advantages,” I started, “It’s not much of a hunt if your prey can't even run, is it? There's no challenge in killing something that's already baited and trapped.”
“So, what do you suggest?”
Oh boy. I was about to do one of many things I warned yinz not to do: “The only way I can bring you the excitement you're craving is if I have a fighting chance. And a good one. I'll be searching for your name, but I need to know where to look first.”
His laughter made me suppress a shudder. I remember thinking that I should've known that he'd see through my words like he saw through everything else.
The mechanic then said, “I know what you're trying to do, pup. But the problem is, you're right! It's too easy anymore, especially since y'alls names are just available on the internet for anyone to find. I've been getting kind of soft lately.”
This was his soft side?
The mechanic continued, “You really think you can pull this off, pup? I know you're a fighter and all, but you're not a warrior, not really. Being a soldier ain't the same thing.”
“I may not be Cú Chullainn, but I'm as close as you're going to get in Mercer County. We've got a bit of a warrior shortage around here.”
He snorted, “You seem awfully sure of yourself for someone who can't even look at me.”
“I'm not sure about anything. That's why I'm here, isn't it?”
It was quiet for a moment with only the frogs chirping in the forest able to find their voices. Not even the whipped cream broke up the silence this time. I was tempted to risk peeking through my eyelashes, but managed to resist.
Just as my nerves started getting to me, the mechanic said, “So, you want me to give you a hint. That's a lot to ask, but you knew that already.”
“You want something in return.”
“Hagstone. Smash it.”
No way. It was too valuable. If I gave that up, I was dead. I promptly shook my head.
He sounded amused. “Shoulda known you wouldn't fall for that.”
Looking back, I wondered how many he'd tricked like that. Giving up some form of protection after being misled into thinking the mechanic was going to let them go, only to regret it seconds later. Probably far too many.
He continued, “Alright then, we'll talk for real. I'll give you that hint, but I got some conditions. You get three chances to guess correctly. Each time you guess wrong, you have to give me one of your names starting with your first, middle, then last name. Don't try fucking with me by trying to pass your middle name off as your first.”
That made my throat tighten even more. If I agreed to that, failure wouldn't just spell disaster for me, but for everyone I knew as well. I'd be dragging my mom and anyone else associated down with me. I'd essentially be doing what he already requested: sacrificing others to save my own skin.
I heard Victor faintly, from my right, “Don't!”
The mechanic wasn't pleased, “This ain't about you, blue eyes. This is between me and her.”
The stakes were getting way too high. I couldn't do this. But then what? The Hunt wasn't going to wait around for me to find another way, assuming that there even was one. Victor clearly thought it was a terrible idea. For the record, I did, too. I could feel the boss' eyes on me, willing me not to forget what he'd said earlier about dangerous heroics.
Maybe there was another way and I just couldn't see it. But desperation has a way of messing with your head.
“If I agreed to this,” I started, knowing that I was probably digging my grave even deeper. “And I haven't agreed to anything, just to be clear. If I did this, I'd need the assurance that you won't send your crows or hounds or any others that serve the Wild Hunt after those that I care about. That includes my colleagues and me, for that matter. Like you said, this is between us two.”
The mechanic chuckled and I heard him shift again. “You're feeling awfully bold tonight, aren't you?”
I reminded him, “You want this to be interesting, don't you?”
He considered, then with a click of his tongue replied, “You hear that, blue eyes? Means you, as well. On both sides, mind you. Same with that witch doctor. Yeah, I know about her. I keep mine out of it, if you keep yours out. All's fair, right?”
I didn't feel right with any of this, but the alternative was for things to continue as they were. If that happened, we were all screwed anyway.
“And if I agreed, the hint that you provide will have to be both true and helpful. And it'll also be given in easily understandable American English, no riddles or puzzles or any other forms of confusing phrasing. You’d also have to give it to me tonight. The whole thing would begin after that.”
Once again, he laughed, “Shit, you're not messin' around!”
I know how the Neighbors do deals. If I hadn't mentioned it, he probably would've given me the hint in the form of a riddle spoken in backwards Gaelic.
“Alright, pup, I get the picture. You know what you're dealing with. I’ll play nice.”
His voice had a subtle sardonic edge. Nothing about this was going to be nice, if I chose to go this route, but that wasn't news.
“Oh, and one more thing!” The mechanic added a little too cheerfully. “You have until Samhain. I’m sure you know why.”
It's June already; still a good while away from October, but this year feels like it’s flying by fast, like every other year following 2020. He didn't have to explain why: the Wild Hunt are at their most powerful during Samhain, which for those who don't know, was a Celtic holiday that eventually gave birth to Halloween. It's when the veil between the atypical world and ours is thinnest.
In short, it's a busy day for Orion. Looks like it’s going to be even worse this year.
Victor spoke again, “Can I talk to her for a moment?”
“Nope. You don't get a say. Either she takes it or leaves it.” The mechanic answered curtly.
As I deliberated, there were subtle taps on a tree nearby. Hold on. Morse code. M-I-S-S-I-N-G. What was I missing? Maybe it was because I hadn't clearly spelled out what I wanted to happen if I correctly guessed the mechanic's identity.
“If I accept this bet, then if I find your name, you’ll relinquish your claim on my soul, as well as all other Orion employees, whether they're living, dead, or undead. Have I made that clear?”
After a moment, the mechanic answered, the smirk blatant in his voice, “You have now.”
Of course. It was so simple. If I had gone through with the deal without being specific about the outcome, the mechanic wouldn't have been obliged to release any of us. I would've done all the work to identify him for nothing. Tricky bastard.
Thanks, Victor.
With a heavy sigh, I politely asked the mechanic to repeat everything that we'd just discussed to make sure that he wasn't going to conveniently forget something. To my surprise, he did it without comment, though he sounded like he thought the whole thing was funny. He left nothing out.
When I say that agreeing to this deal was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I mean it.
I instantly had second thoughts the moment I heard the mechanic stand up and cheerfully say, “Well, you ready for that hint? You’re gonna wanna open your eyes for this. I can show you better than I can tell you.”
Oh God, I made a mistake! No. I could do this. I had to.
Black cherries. He was in front of me. Steeling myself, I opened my eyes. The mechanic stood as close as the hagstone would allow, a dark silhouette in front of the crackling flames.
“Blue eyes, would you mind holding puppydog’s hagstone for her? Wouldn't want that gettin’ lost, now, would we?”
What?!
“Don’t get all frantic, I can’t do shit to you until you get your hint, per our agreement,” The mechanic said dismissively as Victor approached me. “You’ll get it back after.”
Victor looked apologetic as he gently removed the most powerful defense I had. He had an odd glint in his eye. Was that defiance?
I’ll get you out of this, Vic. I promise.
The very moment that he was able to, the mechanic grabbed my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes.
A church surrounded by black water… A great feast of viscera and wildflowers… Black thorns drinking the blood of the unworthy… The great antlered headdress of the White Son of Mist… Pricking his finger on those horns… He signed in blood…
Victor pulled me back, not giving the mechanic even a picosecond to take full advantage of being outside of the hagstone’s influence. If he hadn't been holding me up, I would've been on the ground, still recovering from what I'd just seen.
“You find that ledger, you find me.” The mechanic said coolly.
That church. It reminded me of something. In the morning, I’m going to check our records. For now, I just want to crash. I'll keep yinz updated.
On the bright side, there weren't any crows waiting for me when I got home.
(Here's an index of all the cases I've discussed so far.)

Me and my current girlfriend (21m) (22f) have been together for 2 1/2 years and have been having issues for almost a year now. We lived together for 1 year and the issues started almost 2-3 weeks into living together, and granted I saw signs before we moved in with each other. When she lived with her mom they had a very "gentle parenting" style of raising their kids that so long as you show effort every once and a while no matter how you act or behave in-between those few hours or days (if I was lucky) of showing some amount of effort you couldn't get upset because they where "trying". And while living with her mom the dishes would sit so long that water in the pots and pans would turn to gel, mold was a common thing to clean out of dishes and generally there where baskets/piles of clothes everywhere. And granted that doesn't sound very good my girlfriend was always super vocal about hating how that was and disliked living in that kind of environment so I thought ok so long as this doesn't persist I won't have a lot of issues. Well the week we moved in the first thing that made me worry was she didn't want to designate chores evenly. She just wanted us to do them as they came up so nobody felt like they "had" to do them even though I really just wanted a list because that helps me focus and prioritize what my responsibilities are. And about a month in the sink was filled with dishes that weren't mine and there was mold in 3-4 dishes and the dish cloths where rancid smelling because she had thrown them in pots and pans with food/water and just left them. This kept happening for 5-6 months and the dishes would only get done if I did either 1/2 of them or all of them. She began to pile up her dirty clothes in the bathroom because the clothes basket across the hall wasn't close enough and she kept "forgetting" to pick up her 2-4 foot tall pile of clothes that prevented you from opening up the bathroom door more than half way. And then she became more distant physically, hugs could only be a few seconds long before she began to feel uncomfortable where as when she lived with her mom she was extremely affected and intimate. Kisses began to become "too much" for her and everything else beyond that has left the table for the past 7 months. My breaking point was around 9 months into our lease when after months of begging for her to just rinse her dishes as she used them and putting them in the dishwasher like I do, I was givent the task of doing the overflowing dishes again and found multiple sealed cups with what was milk and cereal but was now cheese and cereal and the smell when I opened up the cups was enough to make me gag I broke down and slammed my hand into the sink until I broke open all of my knuckles and just cried on the kitchen floor because I gave my all for months and months and no matter how much I expressed my needs for either basic cleanliness or physical intimacy almost every single time the responses I got where "I'm too tired" " I don't have the energy" "I'll do it later" " it's not that bad yet" " I'm so sleepy I'll do it tomorrow" and I just couldn't handle doing everything I could for her and getting next to nothing in return. So when the lease came I had her move out and I helped build her room at her mom's, from framing the walls to putting up the insulation and paneling. I helped pack all of her boxes and helped unpack a good chunk of it. So now she lives with her mom and her mental health is going down rapidly because moving back into the same environment she wanted to leave is slowly killing her. And after all of this I still love and care about her so much and she asks almost weekly if she can move back in with me and how she will change and she promises that things will be different and she doesn't know why she didn't try harder. It kills me to hear that because all I want is for her to move back in but I can't put my mental health aside for so long that busting my knuckles open feels like my only option to feel anything anymore. I still want to remain friends with her but I don't know if I can keep trying to make this relationship work. What do I do? Do I call it here or try again? Is this Even something That can be fixed?
(Side note: she isn't using me for money we split almost everything 50/50 money wise and she's paid me back every time she owes me money. She buys me small gifts occasionally too)
Sorry for the long post or if something doesn't make sense and if anyone has any questions I'll try to answer them when I have time .
(Edit) To clarify living with her family is extremely toxic, she has a sister with control issues and is extremely loud and narcissistic who walks all over her family because " she has a thyroid issue" and her mom enables her to feel that way. Her mom has mental health issues due to trauma and screams/yells constantly and belittles my girlfriend for almost everything she does. And they have 2 dogs that they pin a lot of the responsibilities on her too. Living with me is cheaper because we split the cost of everything and I do all of the large chores like trash, laundry, mop and sweep, dust and more often than not dishes. She vacuums and wipes the windows down and cleans the bathroom

Introduction:

Hello, Hello everyone! I hope yall are doing good, and a Happy Pride Month to any and all who celebrate it. With a new month, comes a new challenge, and this one was right up my alley. Some of you will remember this concept from a couple of weeks ago, when it was a mere rough concept, but after taking feedback and seeing this month's challenge, I have fully ironed it all out. This is also the first time I have designed a Support Champion instead of a Carry or Bruiser style, and as you can probably tell from my submission history, I love making Mechanically Complex and Unique Champions. A Mechanically Complex/Unique Support was difficult for me, but as I mentioned, I got a lot of good feedback from people, and was able to create O'Rin, Lady of Butterflies
O'Rin is an Ionian, Vastaya that is supposed to be a mix of Battle Mage (or Warlock as I like to call them) and Enchanter, similar to Karma in that intrinsically she is a Support Champion that needs to be with an Ally in order to function, however she provides extreme amounts of Battlefield Utility and Damage, in this case through her Butterflies. Unlike Karma however, O'Rin is almost firmly set as a Bot LaneSupport Champion because her abilities revolve and rely on her allies. She could be a Mid Laner, in conjunction with a very tempo-oriented or Snowballing style Jungler, however she has very little tools in her kit that this would require, namely waveclear, consistent damage abilities and Lane Pressure of her own. On the other hand, just like Karma, O'Rin is designed to forego the traditional Support Items, barring World Atlas and maybe Imperial Mandate, in favor of AP Items as she scale incredibly well with Raw AP and Mage items in general. I foresee her Core build being World Atlas (Zak'Zak's Realmspike) > Imperial Mandate > Rabadan's Deathcap > Banshees's Veil/Cosmic Drive/etc in order to maximize the AP that she can get to turbocharge not only her Butterflies but also her abilities, especially considering that the abilities come with decently long cooldowns.
As to how she support's her Allies, O'Rin provides devastatingly powerful effects at the cost of long Cooldowns and Conditional Activation that relies on her teammates. She is very clearly designed to work in Higher Elos with Higher Skill pilots, however she provides a vast array of tools within her kit. The Butterflies on their own provide True Damage, Nearsighting. Crowd Control Amplification, Executes, %Max Health Burn Damage, Damage Amplification and Healing. Of course you cannot access these effects at the same time, but similar to Viego, participating in a Takedown Chain will allow you to rapidly cycle between effects of your choosing, allowing you to rapidly inflict whatever effects you want while in the middle of combat. In addition, her actual abilities provide Knock backs, Stuns, Heals, Shields, and of course work with her butterflies, creating a very potent Support Champion, at the cost of being incredibly squishy, incredibly complex and incredibly team reliant. More specific detail will be talked about in the Analysis Section below.

Base Stats:

Base Health: 530 + 90/Level
Health Regen: 4.0 + 0.5/Level
Base Mana: 400 +35/Level
Mana Regen: 7 + 0.5/Level
Armor: 30 + 4/Level
Magic Resist: 28+ 2/Level
Base AD: 50
Base AP: 70
Movement Speed: 335
Attack Range: 575

Abilities:

Passive: Butterfly Swarm:
O'Rin has a swarm of 3 Butterflies surrounding her, increasing by 1 when she reached Level 6, 11 and 16. Damaging Abilities and Applying Crowd Control send a Butterfly with a Unique Effect to that enemy. Healing or Shielding an Ally will instead send a Butterfly to them, empowering them to send a Butterfly of their own via the same conditions. Butterflies will stay with Allies for 15 seconds, before returning to O'Rin. If an Ally dies while bonded to a Butterfly, the Butterfly will immediately return to O'Rin.
Enemies can only be affected by a Butterfly' sent from the same Host every 10 seconds, unless Monarch's Ascension is used, Once a Butterfly has applied its' effects, it takes 1-5 Seconds, depending on distance from O'Rin, to return to her, and it cannot be sent to an enemy or ally until it is fed again.
O'Rin's Butterflies apply Unique Effects, depending on what plant O'Rin has fed them. Once all of O'Rin's Butterflies have been sent to an Enemy and returned, they must be fed again for the next 1.5 seconds, during which they are unable to be sent to an Enemy or Ally. O'Rin can choose what plant to feed them, to change what effect they apply:
White Lotus: Butterflies will deal an additional 12.5% Current Health True Damage to their Target
Black Nightshade: Butterflies will Nearsight Enemies and reduce their Movement Speed by 50% for 3 seconds. Additionally, the duration of any Crowd Control Effects applied within this time is amplified by 50%
Green Hemlock: Butterflies will Execute target Enemies if they fall below 7.5% Max Health. This effect will apply up to 1.5 seconds after the Butterfly lands on a target.
Red Wisteria: Butterflies will burn Enemies for 7.5% Max Health Magic Damage over 3 seconds
Blue Jasmine: Butterflies will deal an additional 40 + 20% Bonus AP Magic Damage to the target, and heal O'Rin or the ally which they where bonded to by 150% of the damage dealt.
Additionally, Butterflies will apply O'Rin's On-Hit and On-Damage effects only, however an Ally's Attack or Ability will apply their On-Hit or On-Attack effects like normal, via their own Attack or Ability.
Q: Chrysalis Kunai
Passive: O'Rin can store an amount of charges of this ability equal to the maximum amount of Butterflies she has. She regenerates a charge every 3 seconds. When she runs out of charges, O'Rin must be out of combat for at least 5 seconds before she will start regenerating charges again. Each charge has a 0.5 second, static cooldown between uses.
Enemies hit with 3 Kunai within 3 seconds are Knocked Away from O'Rin. If they hit Terrain, they are stunned for 0.75 Seconds, and a Butterfly is sent to them, if one is available and will apply its' effect, regardless of Butterfly Swarm.
Active: O'Rin throws an enchanted Kunai at a target enemy, dealing 20/30/40/50/60 + 35% Total AP Magic Damage.
Static Cooldown: 0.5 Seconds
Static Mana Cost: 25
W: Nectar of the Ancients
Passive: On Takedown, O'Rin can re-feed her Butterflies.
Active: O'Rin gives a target Ally some of her Sacred Nectar, healing them for 50/60/70/80/90 +40/45/50/55/60% Bonus AP and giving them 25/30/35/40/45% Bonus Movement Speed for the next 2.5/2.75/3/3.25/3.5 Seconds.
Cooldown: 15 Seconds
Mana Cost: 75
E: Flight of Beauty
Passive: While under the effects of Flight of Beauty, Allies cannot receive a Butterfly from O'Rin via Nectar of the Ancients, or Items, unless O'Rin is the target, in which case all of her Butterflies will contribute towards this ability.
Active: O'Rin surrounds herself or an Ally with half of her Butterflies, prioritizing ones that must be fed, granting them a (30/40/50/60 + 15/20/25/30/35% Total AP) per Butterfly, Shield for the next 2.5 Seconds. During this time, if any of the Butterflies can still apply their effects, and O'Rin or her Ally attempts to send a Butterfly to an enemy, then they will leave their Host and the Shield will decrease by the aforementioned amount.
Cooldown: 22/19/16/13/10 Seconds
Mana Cost: 125
R: Monarch's Ascension
Passive: If O'Rin dies while her Butterflies are in a Frenzy, the Butterflies will leave their hosts, and the Frenzy will dissipate.
Active: O'Rin summons all of her Butterflies back, feeds them with a plant of her choosing, puts them into a Frenzy for the next 15 seconds, and then sends her Butterflies to all of her nearby Allies. While in a Frenzy, they gain the following benefit;

• Butterflies can now apply their effects 3 times before they must be fed again
• Butterflies will now travel 2x faster to and from Targets, Allies and O'Rin
• While in a Frenzy, Butterflies will return to their Host instead of O'Rin
• Butterflies from the same Host can affect the same Target every 3 seconds now

Once all Butterflies have calmed down, they return to O'Rin and must be fed once again.
Cooldown: 180/120/60 Seconds
Mana Cost: 100

Lore:

Long Ago, when peace and harmony covered the land, the Spirits walked freely across the Land of Ionia. With them, the Vastaya did as well, romancing the humans and embracing the calm and steady life that Ionia was known for. Each Spirit took the form of an animal native to Ionia, and roamed the land, wholly unknown to the commonfolk and sustaining the Spirit of Ionia itself.
Mirithra, the Spirit of Nature itself, was oft to take the form of a Large, Colourful Butterfly and roamed the land, making sure that the Humans and Vastaya alike kept it proper. Myths and Legends grew from this, describing either a gentle, protective Butterfly that blessed those who came upon it, or a monstrous, cannibalistic flying creature that consumed any and all who dared tread foot on its' land. Nobody knew which story was true, yet all who walked amongst the sleepy forests, along the ivory coasts, up the craggy, granite peaks kept this story in mind. At the same time, others dismissed such things as the story that it was.
Indeed, there where some that took this the other way, and instead of treading carefully, took it upon themselves to hunt and slay this creature, not understanding what it actually was. Most failed, however after the son of a Lord was killed, the Spirit was hunted and slain. The beautiful butterfly that once flew through the forests, was cast into the depths of a dark cave. Its wings broken, its body full of stone and lead, it reverted into a Chrysalis and the Spirit went into a deep hibernation.
Millennia passed, and the tectonic forces of the world eventually revealed the entrance to the cave once more, and this was how O'Rin's ancestors found it. Still in the Golden Age of Ionia, her ancestors nurtured the Chrysalis, for they where stewards of the land instead of defilers of nature. After many years, the Spirit awoke yet again, but this time forsoke its bestial form. The only remnant was an intricate tattoo in the shape of a butterfly, that lain upon the chest of the clan's newborn child. But this was no ordinary marking, for rather it was a blessing by the Spirit upon its' caretakers, that gave them an extended life of eternal youth and the ability to commune with the Spirits themselves.
The ones marked by such a tattoo where elevated to Matriarch or Patriarch of the clan itself, for such powers where a sight to behold, and came with great wisdom and a long, powerful life. Yet for all these gifts, only the first born child of the Blessed could be granted such powers as well, and upon that child's birth, the Blessed would be found dead and a Butterfly would be found amongst the child's cradle. The butterfly would be a lifelong companion of the new Blessed, as they grew and matured both into a caretaker of Ionia and as the head of the clan.
O'Rin was the newest in this line. Just as previous generations had, her mother had died in childbirth, and her father had vanished, and in their place O'Rin was born with the tattoo upon her chest and a venom black butterfly resting upon her cradle. Such an ominous sign was not forgotten by the clan's elders, for this was the first time in history that a Black Butterfly was found with a child. In a quick, panic-driven, fear-induced coup, they cast out O'Rin as the head of the house, throwing her into the deepest, darkest prison within the massive estate.
Located amongst the high peaks of Northern Ionia, within the dense granite, the prison was O'Rin's home for the first part of her life. Yet within the darkness, amongst the cool air, isurrouunded by unyielding stone, the Black Butterfly found its way to O'Rin and just as previous generations, accompanied her as she grew within the the Prison known only as The Well of Despair. Yet instead of despair, O'Rin grew and matured with a sense of defiance. Instead or murderers, rapists and all other sort of criminals, she found instead people who where loyal to the estate rather then the Elders. Unbeknownst to the recent generations, the clan's elders had slowly corrupted and consolodated power to themselves, deposing all who stood in their way, and turning O'Rin's family into a puppet, while they ran the estate for themselves. With the Black Butterfly at her side, these former soldiers, stewards, clerics and advisors raised O'Rin in the ways of her ancestors. Reading by the ghostly candlelight, sh learned of the legends behind her family. Training by the handful of hours fo snlight, she became adept at a multitude of martial arts. Speaking in echoes through the mountains, she learned the Common Languages and the Uncommon languages.
In time, her Vastayan Roots came to fruition as well. From a young age, her skin was mottled and grew into rough scales. Her tongue, grew longer, and eventually split into a fork during her teenage years. Her irises changed from wholly circular to narrow slits, yet her vision became acutely stronger. Through her childhood, such changes where met with awe, and could not be controlled,yet in her teenage years she became adept at changing herself at will. She could disguise her mottled, scales as pale, smooth skin. She coudl shorten and fuse her tongue for a short time. She could rapidly grow out her hair after much exhaustion, to lose it days later.
Soon, her day of reckoning came, for upon her ascent to womanhood, she and her adoptive family escaped from the mountain prison, and set off for her ancestral home. Behind her a massive vanguard followed, made up of all those who who where falsely imprisoned with her, but also the humans and vastaya alike who where downtrodden by the clan's elders. Yet beside her always, was the same Black Butterfly that had been with her since birth.
She and her allies quickly overwhelmed the Elder's soldiers, and she retook her ancestral position back. With great speed and brutal efficiency, she purged the corruption and rot within the estate and instituted people who where not only loyal, but also capable in their place. Nevermore, was anything like this going to happen to her family again, and indeed the estate continued to thrive. Notably, she had her people hide and protect her lands with the strongest magic they knew of. Nestled between a mountain ranges, and amongst sleepy forests, these magiks guaranteed their survival from any potential physical and political invaders.
By in large the estate functioned like normal. Her vassals continued with their life, living in peace and prosperity like all before them, but she instituted a strict return to the stewardship that had been lost generations ago. Her land, while physically hidden, was quite easily accessible, and it became a respite for the Spirits, be they escaping from Human Hunters, or the Azakana that opposed them. Make no mistake, Humans, Vastaya and all in between lived amongst her estate, but only the Spirits could come and go as they pleased.
The heart of this Stewardship, was the Butterfly Shrine, where not only the original Spirit of Nature, Mirithra, permanently lived, but any other Spirit could visit to rest and recover in either their Mortal Form or their Animalistic Form. The Butterfly Shrine was half in the physical realm and half in the Spirit Realm, and was the crown jewel of O'Rin's estate. Humans could come and go, offering prayers and offerings to the Spirits, while the Spirits themsleves could rest, safe from the influence of physical hunters and Azakana alike.
The smoke from prayer incense drifted constantly through the air. Silent prayer took place amongst the Courtyards and Gardens. Food and other offerings where placed at the numerous shrines. The Gardens themselves where tended and amongst the plants, an incomprehensible collection of Butterflies lived with the Spirits. Notably, O'Rin's signature Black Butterfly could always be seen amongst the swarm of rainbow colored insects, for just like her ancestors, O'Rin had the power to commune directly with the Spirits directly within the realm, and served as bridge between worlds, and Mirithra had quickly bonded with her, re-uniting her family line, with the Spirit itself.
It was her duty as the Speaker of the Spirits to commune with them, but it was also her duty as Aegis of the Ancients to protect them as well. Such was the case, when invaders pierced the veil between worlds and began to defile the land with chaotic, dark magic. Yet as quick as they came, they fell quicker still for O'Rin wielded powers that where hitherto unseen. The gardens of the Butterfly Shrine, home to Butterflies and Spirits alike, rose up against the invaders. Thought quite beautiful, the Butterflies where capable of destruction themselves and O'Rin was their caretaker.
In time, she met a handful of outsider, that somehow traversed through the Spirit World and had arrived at the Butterfly Shrine. She knew not how they had survived, nor why they had come, yet all who arrived where clearly strong enough to survive amongst the Spirit Wilds, and respectful of the Spirits themselves to travel amongst them for so long. She met a tall, lithe swordsmen, with a red mask bound to his face, bleeding from many wounds and collapsed upon the forest's floor. She met a Ninja Master and his Apprentice, traveling amongst the Wilds, in search of the Spirits themselves, in search of harmony. She met an armored warrior. and his Acolytes, wielding shadowy, chaotic magic also in search of a Spirit. She offered them a respite, amongst her people and Spirit's alike and it was only their respect of the Spirits that kept them alive. As for keeping the Butterfly Shrine a secret, O'Rin bound all of them with a Blood Oath before they left the refuge, cursing them to hold their tongue lest they immolate in unending Spirit Fire.
In time, she found herself growing older, and with it came new responsibilities. She was of child-bearing age, and Tradition and Fate meant that she was to take a lover and give birth to a new heir, one who would take up the mantle as Speaker of the Spirits and Aegis of the Ancients. Yet O'Rin took care in whom she pursued, for haste was of nigh importance to her. She did eventually take a lover after many years, and many years after that they married, and years after that she found herself heavy with child. By no means, was she her young self that had overthrown the Elders but nor was she an old, demented Lady like the Elders that she had overthrown. Her pregnancy would be long and hard, but she was determined to uphold her duties till the birth of her daughter. In her mind,she knew that her life's end was near upon her, yet she felt a serene sense of happiness, knowing that child would be born into a safe world, accompanied by a Butterfly of their own, and would serve the Spirits as she had, reaping the same benefits she had.

Quotes and Interactions:

Pick Quote: Behold! The Butterfly Swarm takes flight!
Ban Quote: The Swarm will not rest!
Zed: My Butterflies will devour you and your dark magic, Defiler!
Shen: My praises, Spirit Walker. The Spirits themselves bow to you...
Akali: Careful young one! Your blades are Sharp, but my Butterflies are hungry!
Kennen: Where you to visit the Butterfly Shrine, you would achieve the Enlightenment that you so desperately desire...
Syndra: I pity thou. An unjust fate, for a woman whom was destined for greatness...
Karma: Your play at serving the Spirits! My family has served for Millennia!
Yone: The Azakana have been culled, and for that you have my thanks!
Xayah: Your actions are admirable! Mayhaps you would join our Sanctuary?
Rakan: A pity that you are spoken for, but your loyalty is admirable nonetheless!

Inspiration:

I was debating whether to put this above, but I decided to put it here. Apologies in advance to TheHerald for having to read all the way down here in order to see if this qualifies for the competition. This champion qualifies for the competition under the Art of Inspiration. My initial Inspiration was from Vincent van Gogh's Butterfly Series, however the specific Inspiration behind the Butterfly Swarm Theme and the Feeding Mechanic is Long Grass and Butterflies as well as Grass and Butterflies. The paintings are an abstract work where you can interpret the paint as either long grass in a field while blowing in the wind, or Butterflies feeding upon grass in a field. This became the initial inspiration, and of course I took it and ran to create the fundamental mechanics behind O'Rin.

Gameplay Analysis:

Writing a Gameplay Analysis is almost as fun as designing the champions themselves. It allows me to explain how my vision for the Champion and their gameplay, while also allowing me to reflect upon the design process and fix any errors or ambiguities that arise. But anyway, I digress.
O'Rin's main Mechanic is of course the Butterfly Swarm that she manipulates. Just a disclaimer, this is the first time I have ever build a Support Champion, however I think I did a decent job. Initially the effects that the Swarm can apply look to be incredibly strong on their own, in fact when I designed them I thought about what sort of passive would I give to a BruiseHypercarry, ie:

• %Current Health True Damage is very similar to Fiora's passive, and incredibly strong in the hands of a Bruiser or Assassin
• Nearsighted and Crowd Control Amplification are rare enough effects that a Support's entire Passive could be just this and it would be strong.
• Green Hemlock is The Collector's Passive but slightly better, and while you don't necessarily build The Collector for the Execute, and Execute is an Execute. This is incredibly good for Bruisers and/or Marksmen
• Red Wisteria is Burn effect that scales with Max Health. Everyone knows how annoying Brand is, and the ability for multiple people to apply this is similar in that vein. This could very well be a Mage's Passive on its' own.
• Blue Jasmine is a decently strong Damage Modifier, that also heals for a huge portion of the damage dealt. On its' own this could be the passive for a BruiseAssassin

However, these strong effects are gated behind some conditions that neuter O'Rin from spinning out of Control. Namely, that you can only apply these effects from the same "Host" once every 10 seconds, or in the case of her Ultimate, once every 3 seconds. Coordinating these effects would mean having a team that actually knows what O'Rin does and can function around her, which is the second Mechanism that keeps her balanced. O'Rin's intrinsic Butterfly Mechanics rely on your ADC/Team as a whole to understand what they do, and how it affects the rest of the kit. For example, Flight of Beauty is a shielding ability, but it can also be turned into an Offensive Ability at the cost of the Shield itself. The final effect that gates O'Rin, is the fact that all of her Butterflies have the same effect, which means that based on your Gamestate and Team Composition, you may want a different effect. For example, if you have a high octane, early game comp, White Lotus and Blue Jasmine are going to be more valuable compared to Black Nightshade or Red Wisteria. Consequently, if you are facing a heavy BruiseTank/Juggernaut Comp, then Red Wisteria and Green Hemlock will be more valuable. Even if you are skirmishing in 2v2s instead of 5v5s, then Black Nightshade would be more valuable then anything else, because you can lock down and kill the carry int he skirmish fast. What ability to use and spread to your Allies is going to depend on a lot of factors, and having a good team that can capitalize on your decision is also important for O'Rin to function properly
As mentioned, Flight of Beauty and Nectar of the Ancients are the abilities that synergize the best with the overall Butterfly Mechanic. Nectar of the Ancients is a decently strong, scaling heal, but more importantly this is the main way that O'Rin can get a Butterfly onto an Ally. Butterflies will only go to an Ally if O'Rin can heal or Shield them, so she needs one of each type of ability. The Heal itself scales incredibly with AP and also applies a MS Bonus that scales with rank in how long it lasts and how large the bonus is. Truth be told, this is a very powerful ability on its' own, but combine it an the Butterfly Mechanic, and you have an Enchanter that is unquely suited for more aggressive ADCs instead of scaling Hyper Carries. Flight of Beauty is the shielding ability, and uniquely it scale not only with rank, with AP but also with Butterflies. Specifically, the AP Ratio increases with Rank, and because O'Rin intrinsically scales the amount of Butterflies that she has, it also increases the total Shielding AP Ratio that is used.
Then we come to the Coup de Grace of the kit, Monarch's Acension. In essence, t is really simple, because it is a huge stat boost at the end of the day, but it allows O'Rin to make her Buttrflies and in extension her teammates extremely lethal and punishing. First, it automatically allows O'Rin to re-feed her Butterflies, which means that she can change what effect they apply just before or just after a teamfigth starts. From there it provides utility, such as the ability to re-apply effects on the same target every 3 seconds instead of 10, as well as being able to apply said effects 3 times instead of 1 before needing to be fed. This makes her O'Rin absolutely lethal in team fights, as applying something like Black Nightshade or White Lotus on a significantly lower cooldown and with the ability to do it multiple times means that unless O'Rin is dealt with immediately or before a fight, it will be very hard to combat, given the sheer amount of stats and effects that she allows her team to apply. However, killing O'Rin will dissipate the swarm, and therefore if you can kill her early in the fight, then the combat pressure she applies will also be gone
The main point behind having such High AP Ratios that scale as hard as they do was to incentivize O'Rin to not build Support Items, but rather AP/Mage Items. All of her abilities scale incredibly hard with AP, and this is because I wanted to push her towards a more Karma-esque build path. My intended, or rather predicted build path would be a World Atlas (into Zak'Zak's Realmspike) into a Blackfiretorch, followed by an Imperial Mandateand finished by a Rabadan's Deathcap. This gives the Mana and Raw AP, which O'Rin desperately needs/wants to turbo charge her abilities, whilst till providing some form of Support Utility. Namely, Imperial Mandate is arguably the best Support Item in the game, and O'Rin perfectly synergies with it, given her poke with Chrysalis Kunai and the Crowd Control Effects on Black Nightshade. Dipping into Imperial Mandate reduces the total amount of AP you can get in 3 items, which realistically Supports most commonly hit only 3 items or so, but the Coordinated Fire effect synergizes too much with the kit to not dip into it. Blackfire Torch gives her the Mana she needs, and also AP, but more importantly the Burn from BFT will spread via her Butterflies that deal damage. This means that with the help of her Allies, she can very quickly spread the Burn to many enemies, which in turn amplifies her AP temporarily, which in turn amplifies her Healing and Shielding. Rabadan's Deathcap is a must for any AP Centric Build, so that is why its the Capstone of this build.
Rune Wise, I actually think that O'Rin would take Unsealed Spellbook more then any other Keystone Rune. She is unique in that she does not really benefit from any other runes specifically, as the entire kit is really around enabling her teammates, but on the flip side, the traditional support runes really do not feel like they would fit either. Summon Aery would be the other potential Keystone Rune, but at the same time O'Rin actually benefits from being able to cycle her Summoner Spells because it would give her the flexibility she needs in order to survive or switch gears to help her teammates. Beyond that, I catered her Base Stats to be very Mana Hungry, so going Inspiration Primary with Boots + Biscuits > Sorcery Secondary with Mana Runes would probably be her most optimal Rune page.
Finally, in terms of weakness, O'Rin is designed to be incredibly squishy and immobile. Her Cooldowns are pretty long, and her envisioned build path has little little CDR. As well, her abilities are impactful when used offensively or on other people, so not wasting it on herself and using it on the proper target is important. Additionally, her high dependence on AP means that she is goign to be buying the most expensive item in the game, being Rabadan's Deathcap, which not only has a terrible buildpath but is coming off the income of a Support. In total, O'Rin really wants to play aggressively and snowball her lane matchups, while simultaneously being incredibly squishy and immobile. As well, she wants to be paired up with an aggressive ADC, which means that she will often be putting herself in danger, but if she can be piloted correctly, she can take over games on her own, given how strong her Butterflies are and how fasts he scales with AP.

Sorry for the length, but the background info is important. I am 34F, married with 2 kids with a history of psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis, GERD, and IBS. As a teenager, I struggled with anxiety and depression. After therapy alone didn't work, I began taking Zoloft and eventually added a low dose of Seroquel (never really understood why). I took both for several years and then weaned off of them at 23 to have kids. I remained med-free for 5-6 years with minimal issues, even postpartum. In 2018 and 2019, I had back-to-back miscarriages and went into a major depressive episode with crushing fatigue. I tried numerous antidepressants, and they all either didn't work well at all, stopped working after a period of time, or made me more sleepy, sometimes for 16+ hours a day. In June of 2022, my psychiatrist told me that he thought I was treatment resistant, recommended lithium and/or TMS, and asked me to find a new psychiatrist (no, I'm not joking). Soon after that, I was hospitalized for a week for SI (I wonder why...). I was already taking Prozac at that time, and they added lithium and PRN Ativan. I began therapy again (it was just as unsuccessful as when I was younger) and eventually found a new psychiatrist. After taking the lithium for almost 2 years, I wanted off of it. The side effects were terrible - my hair fell out, I was nauseous all the time and lost what little weight I already had, hand tremors began to interfere with my daily life, and I still always felt like I could never get enough sleep. My new psychiatrist added Auvelity (newer, a combo of Wellbutrin and dextromethorphan, don't understand how/why it works) in January of 2024 (so now taking Prozac, Auvelity, and lithium daily and Ativan once or twice a month) and began titrating me off of lithium. About 6 weeks ago, I stopped taking the lithium entirely.
In the meantime, for the past year of so, my husband and I have suspected that I was experiencing monthly or almost monthly hypomanic episodes that I was trying to "treat" with the Ativan, and I brought it up with my psychiatrist, but she just kind of dismissed my concerns and chose to focus on the depression, suggesting that I might just be having panic attacks. Last week, I ended up in full-blown hypomania (going for days functioning on very little sleep, racing thoughts, irritability, impulsiveness and just an overall feeling that something was very wrong). I called off of work and asked my husband to "babysit" me because I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid. I called my psychiatrist, and she told me that if I didn't want to go back on the lithium, she wanted me to try another mood stabilizer (Trileptal or Lamictal). After some research, I think I'd like to try the Lamictal (I know the titration period is long, but it seems to make more sense with my predominate depression).
Anyway, what I'm now worried about is whether or not anyone will officially alter my diagnosis, and whether or not I should even still be on the Prozac or Auvelity. It seems kind of obvious to me at this point that instead of having TRD, I have (or at least have developed in the past few years) bipolar II. My experiences with doctors have been less than positive over the years, and I'm afraid that I'll start on the new mood stabilizer but I will still be stuck in diagnosis limbo, taking antidepressants that may actually contributing to my problem and having my hypomania dismissed as anxiety/panic attacks that I "treat" with Ativan (I've had panic attacks before and I know that this is something different). Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can make sure that if I indeed have bipolar II it is properly addressed and not treated like TRD or MDD with intermittent anxiety? I'm tired of pretty much just existing and doctors throwing meds at me hoping something will stick.

Good evening everyone! I come to you today with everyone's favorite pokey boy. As always, I greatly appreciate all of you for reading, and hope you enjoy everything to come.
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Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Federation Fleet Command Date [standardized Earth time]: August 21, 2136
The situation surrounding the Skalgan continued to grow more and more confusing as the days went on, and I was getting closer and closer to losing my patience. First came Tarva’s official announcement about first contact, bringing the knowledge of the Skalgan’s existence to the public. Nearly immediately after, she announced she’d be closing space ports and communications while they established communications and relations with the Skalgan homeworld. Foreign visitors to the planet only had a short time to leave before everything was shut down. After that, silence.
Nearly every member of the Federation was waiting with baited breath for any word from the Venlil government, anything to indicate how first contact was going. Even my message to Tarva had been for the most part dismissed with no further discussion. This was strange behavior, especially with the major Federation members trying their hardest to talk their way into meeting the Slakgan in person. Yet all attempts were met with the same message. “The Skalgan have requested that all diplomatic dealings are done exclusively with the Venlil people for the time being. Please be respectful of their wishes.”
Then came the call from Piri, the Gojid prime minister. She was not happy, demanding I speak with her despite it being in the middle of my sleep cycle. When I answered, she immediately went off. “What is this I’m hearing about you stirring up trouble for the Venlil?” She growled. My still sleepy brain didn’t quite register what she was talking about, earning me an annoyed growl from Piri. “Sovlin. Wake up. The Skalgan caught the spy operation that you launched against them.”That snapped me to wakefulness, and brought with it a wave of dread. “They-... Ma’am, I assure you I have an explanation for what’s going on.”“I sure hope you do, because Tarva called and told me that this has put diplomatic talks with the Skalgan in a precarious place. We’re lucky that they only think it was a rogue survey crew that showed up in their territory, but imagine my surprise when the pictures of the crew they showed me included your First Officer.” She forwarded me four images. One was of the ship itself, and the other three were portrait shots of the crew. Sure enough, it was them. Recel stared at the camera with a distracted, almost dazed look in his eyes, while the other two looked terrified. “They’ve been taken prisoner? Are they okay?”
“As far as I’ve been told, they’re okay.” Piri sighed. “Scared out of their minds, but who wouldn’t be when taken prisoner by a previously unknown alien civilization. Tarva has assured me that they won’t be harmed, but it’ll take time to negotiate their release. The Skalgan are not happy with being intruded upon.” Guilt stabbed at my heart as I stared at the photos. Even if they were okay, they were there because I allowed them to go. I gave them all the opportunities to reconsider, but they still went through with it. Even if it was their choice, I was the one that created and authorized the plan. “I’m sorry for the trouble this has caused, Ma’am. I have reason to believe that the Skalgan are hiding something from us, and that is why they’ve been so reclusive. Whatever it is, they’ve roped the Venlil into it too. I was hoping that this mission could help us better understand what is going on with them.”
The prime minister tilted her head in thought, weighing my words against the trouble my actions have brought. “I too want to know what’s going on, Sovlin, as does the whole Federation. We’re lucky the Venlil nor the Skalgan have accused us of espionage, but stirring up more trouble could get us in trouble with the wider Federation. For now, keep an eye on the borders and let me know if there’re any new developments. Do not antagonize them further.”“Understood ma’am. I’ll keep in touch.” I closed the channel and let out a long sigh as I sat back in my seat. I was glad to have been in my personal quarters for that exchange. Getting a stern talking to in front of my bridge crew would have been embarrassing. But now I at least had the blessing of the prime minister to do more than twiddle my thumbs. I called up to the bridge as I began making my way out of my quarters. “Set a course for a patrol along the Venlil border. I’ll be on the bridge in a minute.”
When I arrived, I received the usual salutes from the bridge crew as I settled into my chair. “Alright, once we’re at the border, keep an eye on both the radar and signal interceptors. Maybe we’ll catch something of interest.” I didn’t know if there would be anything this close to the border of note. The closest Venlil structure was an outpost well outside of sensor and signal range. We might at most catch sight of some ships in the far off distance, but that would be all we could do on our side of the border.
“Sir… you’re gonna want to have a look at this.” Said Fara, my temporary first officer. The young Gojid forwarded the sensor data to my console, and my eyes grew wide with horror at what I was seeing. On approach towards the border were several ships of Arxur make, at least three of them of the bomber variety. The kind of ships that would be used to attack a planet or outpost. “Speh! Get a visual on the ships and charge the weapons.” I shouted. My first concern was that we had arrived at the tail end of a raid against the nearby outpost. There had been no distress signal, yet the Venlil hardly had the means to fight off an attack this far out from their homeworld. I feared that the Arxur had attacked too quickly for the Venlil to call for help.“I got a visual!” Fara shouted. The main display adjusted to show the three ships that approached us. The first indication that something was off was the damaged state the ships were in. They were practically shredded, lined with holes from weapon fire and missing chunks of hull. The ships looked like they were barely hanging on, their engines struggling to propel them. Before I could voice my surprise, Fara spoke again. “Captain, I’m counting… nearly thirty- No, fifty ships giving chase. Some of them are battle ships in size, but they’re of an unknown design.”
Battle ships out this far from Venlil Prime? The Venlil didn’t have the fleet power to send such large ships on patrol, unless… “Plot an intercept course! As soon as the unknown ships are in range, hail them. Ready weapons to fire on the Arxur as soon as they’re in range.”
It was a big assumption I was making, but if I was right, this would be our first look at the Skalgan’s military capabilities. As the Arxur ships limped towards the border, several fighter crafts continued to pepper the larger ships. Their weapons for the most part were ineffective against the Arxur’s armor, but a hit on a weak spot would still do serious damage. The Arxur’s own weapon fire was focused on the much more agile fighters, leaving them wide open to the larger guns of the battle ships. One of battleships fired a railgun shot that pierced the rear of one Arxur ship, immediately detonating its engines and causing the whole craft to tear apart. Another ship tried maneuvering away as they started drawing closer to us, only to lose power to their engines to fighter fire and drift uncontrollably across the border line. Our own guns shook our ship as they fired, tearing the bomber in half. That left one last bomber.“Captain! The last ship is on a ramming course for us!” Fara yelled. The last Arxur vessel sped over the border, engines burning out of control as their ship sped towards us. “Take evasive action! Fire anything we have! All decks, brace for impact!” With our railgun recharging, we lacked the decisive blow to destroy the ship before it could reach us. Everyone on the bridge cowered and held on as the Arxur ship continued to accelerate at speeds that would tear our ship open. Our own engines tried to adjust our course, but it looked like we were gonna collide.
The lead Skalgan battleship suddenly fired its railcannon again, the shot piercing the Arxur and causing the ship to shatter. The debris rained against our hull, briefly throwing us off balance as our ship’s gravity struggled to counteract the impact. Once we were steady, I looked down at my console and was relieved to see there had been no breaches. The whole bridge let out a collective sigh of relief as the last of the Arxure were destroyed. “...Fara… is the hailing channel open?” I asked. The poor girl was still recovering from the rattling, slowly returning to her seat after falling out of it. “Y-yes captain. It… Okay, it’s open now.”I turned my attention to the screen and awaited a response. It took longer than I would have liked to be answered. During the wait, the Skalgan fighters retreated back over the border, where the idly sat alongside the battleships. Finally, we got an answer, though the hail was being patched through to the outpost. When the video feed came live, I saw a familiar face in the form of Kam, and an unfamiliar individual that I quickly noted was a Skalgan.“Captain Sovlin. It’s a surprise to see you here.” Kam said. He was trying to put on an appearance of confidence, but I could see he was quite rattled. His eyes darted about and his ears couldn’t seem to sit still. “I’m sorry that you had to get involved in this skirmish, but we appreciate the assistance nonetheless. The situation is under control, and we’re lucky to have had only minimal losses.”“Well it looked like you got plenty of help from your new friends.” I said, gesturing a claw towards the Skalgan. “Who’s he?”
Kam glanced towards the well decorated individual. Before he could speak, the Skalgan spoke up. “I am Kalgar Fredricson, Fleet Admiral. You can thank my boys for saving you from getting torn in half. Honestly, those Arxur picked the worst time to attack, showing up during a live fire demonstration. I doubt they lived long enough to regret their mistake.”I was all for tearing up the grays, but this previously unknown fleet that now sat on the doorstep of Gojid space had me concerned. “You seem to have quite the fleet, admiral. Though I’m confused as to why you feel the need to have such strong forces if your homeworld is unknown to the Arxur.”
The admiral huffed. “We’ve been worried about a threat that predates our first contact with the Venlil. After all, my ancestors wouldn’t have fled Skalga without good reason, and we wouldn’t let ourselves be caught off-guard again.”
I tried my best to read the admiral. He seemed to share some of the body language of the Venlil, but that only brought me more confusion. This man held himself tall and proud, practically looking down on me with the way his head slightly tilted up. This was a person who wasn’t afraid to use the position of power he held as he saw fit. “Well it seems like you certainly caught the Arxur by surprise. I can commend you for that. However, I can’t help but have concerns over the number of ships you have here on our border. Demonstration or not, you’re a Non-Federation force that is putting on a display of military power an ear flick away from us. I’d like to know the reason.”
The admiral gave a dismissive wave with his tail. “This site was chosen by Governor Tarva. If you have issues with the location, you can bring it up with her. In addition, these demonstrations have been done in an effort to help train and bulk up the Venlil forces. We were shown what happened in the last Arxur raid on their planet. I’m sure you understand why they’d never want that to happen again.”
Although a reasonable explanation, I still didn’t like the idea that a foreign military force was now colluding with one of our allies without us being permitted to get involved. Everything about the Skalgan felt shifty. “Well, as much as I’m sure they appreciate your aid, I can assure you that the Federation had taken good care of the Venlil for many generations. The Arxur are no match against our combined might.”
“Yet they continue to raid your planets, destroy your colonies, and kidnap citizens for livestock.” Kalgar said bluntly. “A war that’s been going on for generations, yet has been in an endless stalemate, despite the sheer numerical advantage the Federation should have. It honestly makes me doubt the efficacy of the Federation’s military.”
My spines began to rise at the insulting words the admiral spoke. “Don’t you dare speak of us that way. I’ve watched good people die defending their homes from that predator menace. I’ve seen children torn apart before my eyes. I will not tolerate you throwing these accusations at me or my people!”
The admiral's ears twitched in anger. He started to speak again, but Kam quickly cut him off. “T-that’s enough. Please. We just went through a tense engagement. I believe we should return to our duties and tend to our damaged vessels.” The admiral glared at Kam, though after a moment gave an ear flick in agreement. “Indeed. We have matters to attend to. I’m sure you have many questions, Captain Sovlin, but they’ll have to wait. The Skalgan people will be speaking at the upcoming Federation summit. Hopefully that will provide whatever answers you’re looking for. As for now, unless you need anything else from us, we’ll be signing off.”
I couldn’t think of a reason to keep the admiral, despite my desires to interrogate him for all he had. With a reluctant sigh, I gave a wave with my claws. “Very well. I look forward to what your people have to say at the summit.” The channel closed, and I let out a long, frustrated growl. I swore these Skalgan were gonna make my fur go gray. This interaction did nothing to help my opinion of them. “Keep on the signal interceptors while we do repairs. If they’re up to something, I wanna make sure we know about it.” I said. While the crew worked, I made a mental note of the things I’d be telling the Prime Minister. These Skalgan were getting so cozy with the Venlil, to the point where I was wondering who was calling the shots.
The potential for a military coup by the Skalgan came to mind, though I still didn’t believe they could have the manpower to pull something like that off. In fact, where were they getting their manpower from? Scans showed that all the ships were occupied, the battleships in particular having a full crew. Perhaps it was a mix of Skalgan and Venlil. Maybe that was the aim of the Skalgan, to win over enough Venlil support to take over. The Venlil seem to have welcomed them home with open arms, so it wasn’t too far out of the realm of possibility for them to be permitted to take positions of power. That admiral seemed to have just as much sway as Kam, though his attitude kept me wondering if the Skalgan were secretly predator diseased.
A predator diseased leader… the thought brought a sudden wave of anxiety. What damage could such a person do to not only a species, but the Federation as a whole? All the work done to make the Federation safe from the tyranny of predators, all undone. This would have to be stopped before it took root. But how to prove to the wider Federation the danger they pose? The Federation Summit was coming up soon, and no doubt the Skalgan would be doing their best to win the favor of the Federation. Forget a predator diseased leader, getting into the Federation itself could bring everything crashing down. I couldn’t let that happen, but any sort of aggression against the Skalgan right now would only earn me the ire of the Federation. I needed a way to learn what was going on the inside.
…I needed to get Recel back.
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Just a quick note to the mods, I'm not posting this to seek "medical advice" and don't intend to change dose, let alone do anything more drastic like change or introduce a new medication, without consulting a doctor first, however waiting for an appointment takes time and I'm genuinely just curious if this is an experience others have had and what they were able to do in this situation so I can know a little better what to expect when I do get to speak to my doctor. And I'd strongly advise anyone reading this because they've had the same experience as me to also seek a medical professional's opinion as opposed to taking anything here at face value. Also, mild content/trigger warning I guess as I discuss food, anxiety etc.
But anyways, here goes:
I'm on 30mg and have been for about as long as I've been taking Vyvanse (about 7-8 months now) - when I started taking the 30mg, it would massively boost my mood, energy levels and motivation, and it even brought my fairly excessive appetite under control and allowed me to go from an overweight BMI to a perfectly healthy one where I eat as much as I need to feel full and nourished and not any more.
However over the past month or two the effects seem to have completely reversed for some reason; what was previously a rush of motivation, energy and an almost joyful feeling has now been replaced with that kind of rush you get from an anxiety attack, the energy has been replaced with burnout that kicks in around an hour or two after the Vyvanse itself starts to work, and the previous feeling of motivation, joy and clear-headedness has been replaced with, at best, some weird state of burnout where I have to put extra effort into processing basic tasks, and at worst, stress and anxiety and random stressful thoughts rushing around in my head and stopping me from focusing on anything.
It's gotten to the point where I've found myself sometimes getting even more distracted than I did when I was not on ADHD meds, and once the Vyvanse fully wears off fully the crash is just as bad.
I'm often losing a ton of time to simply being mentally paralyzed by this weird reverse-vyvanse effect. There will be times where basic tasks just feel stressful, or I'll go to do something that should genuinely only take 5-10 minutes and see later that more than an hour has gone by. Other times I'll just be so frozen up on a specific thing or memory that stresses me out that I just end up stressing over it for hours again without realizing just how much time has passed.
Thankfully, however, I do seem to have been spared from experiencing the more "dangerous" kinds of "intrusive thoughts" that some describe - I've never had any thoughts or ruminations of hurting or being hurt, or anything along those lines, and with or without Vyvanse I've been lucky to have never had issues with those.
However knowing "it could be worse" doesn't make the mundane things that do race around in my head any less unpleasant or frustrating to deal with, especially when I realize hours later just how much time I've lost with a basic activity like scrolling my phone or taking a shower because my brain just goes into some weird time-skip state when the Vyvanse wears off.
The thing is, I'm well aware all the anxiety and things stressing me are in my head and I am capable of "locking in" and working through it if I still have things to do, but again the speed and efficiency at which I do things tanks drastically and once I am able to rest undisturbed I just completely crash out, without even having the energy to put on a show or play a game. At most I can get a playlist or long video essay on as background noise before completely burning out.
I'm honestly just kinda lost. This only started happening about a month or two ago after Vyvanse was working like a charm for 3-4 months before, and the reason I still take it is because it does still work for an hour or two before the burnout part kicks in, and very rarely (like 2 or 3 times in the past 2 months) I still get the good effect that I used to get from Vyvanse when taking it, and I really just wish it could go back to making me feel good like that again. My ADHD puts me in such a "sleepy" state that I just can't work efficiently enough to be productive without it, and I almost feel like my body simply doesn't absorb caffeine because no amount of it does anything to boost my energy, focus etc. That 1-2 hours of productivity followed by the burnout still helps me get more done than a full day without Vyvanse.
If it's any help to figuring this out, I'm also "Type 1" autistic, but other than that have no known MH issues. I've never suffered from OCD (there are overlapping symptoms between ASD and OCD but I've never shown distinct signs of OCD that aren't easily attributed to autism) and have never had any signs of BPD, never experienced anything traumatic for PTSD etc and nothing of the sort has manifested before.
Any shared experiences or explanations for this would be hugely appreciated in helping me feel less lost as to why this medication went from having me feeling so amazing to doing the complete opposite, though I again urge anyone to not use this thread as a substitute for professional advice.
TLDR: Vyvanse used to boost my mood, clear my head, and make me feel focused and energized. Now it makes me feel burnt out, easily stressed or overwhelmed, and my head is either "clear" in the sense that what feels like 10 minutes is 2 hours I've done nothing with, or I'm filled with a weird anxiety that I can only explain as what I imagine a caveman being watched by a sabertooth must've felt like, only I'm well aware that there is no sabertooth and the anxiety isn't "intrusive" enough that I start running around screaming or holding a spear in the air, I just end up sitting there feeling like "yeah, this feeling sucks" for ages. Thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this mini novel and thanks even more to anyone who can share any knowledge.

I had a friend who was my best friend and after 4 years of our friendship he started dating a girl and they were dating since 2-3 years after our friendship. I usually didn't have much interest talking to a girl like being a simp to whosever she was. So I kept at very formal relation with her as she was my friend's girl I knew my limits but some girls have a tendency to get along with her boyfriend's male friend's group and she initiated a conversation at first and so as she was the girl of my best mate so I also even started entertaining her in a playful and respectful way and gradually we both became good friends like we were each other's go to person with any kind of gossip or sauce and we became really good supporting friends of each other. We used to call each other babe, my heart and all the other cute nicknames (and she said her boyfriend which was my friend knows about these little pookie vibes between us and he was fine with it) I never laid eyes on her with the intention of sleeping with her. I used to flirt but that was in a very cheerful way like hyping a girl by saying yeah, you're the princess, you're the champion blah blah you getting me? Then gradually we became more close with each other and then we used to talk on calls sometimes for hours and sometimes she used to call me in the morning or planned a hangout last night and meet me alone in the park where we used to sit beside each other on a bench sharing our things. She used to express her affection or affinity and aversion about my friend and I used to console her not to break ties and resolve everything if she continues to rant about the fight between them but I never misguided her towards breaking up or back biting about my friend in front of her. She slowly started to see me as her best friend, even did she have female best friends, in some matters she only trusted me with stuffs and I used to listen and calm her down. Also, when we used to meet in the park she used to lay her head down on my shoulder getting close to me (she's just resting her head on my shoulders and we're doing nothing, I know she's my friend's girl so I can't even imagine to do anything with her) but things started to get more crisp as I came to a new city where I used to get drunk and call her sometimes because she liked talking to me very much and I used to flirt and shower her with flowery words from my drunken mouth which she didn't wanna let go off and sometimes we took it to a higher level of intimacy like I used to say My fantasy is to sleep with my boss and get a promotion to which she replied okay, I'll be your boss But when I got back to my hometown , one day I invited her to my place when there was no one in my house. I smoked zaza and she was just watching me and then we were sitting really close to each other and at that point of time I really wanted to have hugs and cuddles because my life was so upsetting those days so after smoking I held her close to me from behind and laid her head on my stomach (I was sitting with my legs wide open lol, you could imagine our position) whispering silently into her ears the replies to her talk and she was also relaxing inside my arms and her eyes were closed and she was also really into that moment and me either. And out of nowhere a thought in my mind came across to kiss her idk why (I guess it's because we have known each other for 2 years or more and we were so attached to each other and we were very much comfortable around each other.) I then leaned my head towards her laying head and she realized what moment is it coming so she closed her eyes, gave all her implied consent to do it but when I initiated that kiss on the back of my mind it was always that she's my BESTFRIEND'S GIRL so when I tried to lean towards her mouth, the nose collapses before you kiss and with that collapse it hit me that nahhh, I'm doing something wrong and stopped it. (we didn't exactly kiss because I stopped). Now, things got awkward between both of us (if I had kissed that time, we might have felt more awkward later but that stop from me literally made that awkwardness and silence temporarily. And after that, she got home she texted me and yelled at me for doing so but I somehow tried to console her that we didn't exactly kiss and we were just hugging, don't friends hug each other? Some stupid philosophy of mine stopped her from creating a big scene but only for a time. I knew she was in total guilt and I had much remorse as her because I did that. But things were fine for few days when suddenly one day I texted her Can I call you? I'm drunk let's have a chat she denied and mentioned me to call my friends instead so I didn't complain, I respected her decision and she once used to text me early in the morning as if I'm her go to morning person but now things were different and she didn't text me for a day, for 2 days and it's been a week. I tried texting her but was unable to deliver the message then I presumed something's not good but I couldn't do anything but to wait. Then after she gave her competitive exam she texted me and burst out of rage early in the morning at 8 am I was in my sleep so I agreed and apologized for everything as I was sleepy and didn't have much energy to go on a argument or just explain myself. Then I couldn't get over it that That she came out of the blue after many months like 3-4 months and she just vent down to me with all her outrageous thoughts and the guilt and then she left me and blocked me from that platform. But I couldn't overcome with how she came and conquered me with all her rage and blamed me for everything as she was the only victim here and also somewhere through that incident I believed that she wanted to have that moment between too it's just she didn't wanna initiate it from her side and didn't wanna make things worse for her relationship so I couldn't help but to went on to text her on a different platform and where I pointed out every points and clarified myself in a very sophisticated and mature way that it wasn't only myself who's wrong here and she also partook in that wrong act between us then she came forward realizing that she wasn't right about everything and it was not a good idea to blame me for everything then she apologized and we things quiet became calm between us so se started talking to each other asking about how is our current life going on and what the crucial events we are delved into and also I interrogated her with some questions that WHAT THINGS HAS SHE ACTUALLY TOLD HER BOYFRIEND? She said she told him about our morning rides because of the guilt she was beholding in her heart and some other stuffs I suppose (she claimed that other of her female friends told her boyfriend about these but I don't trust her) also I made sure that she didn't exactly tell her boyfriend (which was my friend) that we came this close from kissing yet we stopped and she said she didn't say anything about this hugging and half kissing thing and I think so that she must not have said it as it would only cause her more harm and worsen her relationship with her boyfriend. She was the best girl I could ever get to talk to about my days and other shits about my day to day experience or anything as she didn't judge me at all but now I've lost her because of stupid mistake but it's okay, I'll get another and better girl and also I've learned a very important lesson throughout this whole experience that I shouldn't be getting much close with my friend's girlfriend as things might seem to go to in a different way. Also, when I met my friend after some time he was nothing like before he used to be with me, more like interacting or asking others for anything when it was only me where he used to go to for any kind of favour or plans as he asks a third guy for any hangout plan but before all of this incident I was the one where he came for any execution of plans or hangouts. Though, I have never confronted him with this thing as I feel very ashamed of myself if I do that and it will only escalate things in a bad way I guess and also I don't care now anymore about that girl and my friend who used to be my very close friend once.
Now, I'm not very certain about many things hope you guys fulfill the gap of my conscience.
1.Did I actually kiss her?
2.Did I break my complete trust as a man to a man? Does that count as complete betrayal with my friend)?
3.Wasn't I loyal to my just friendship with her?
4.Did she develop feelings for me too?
5.Did she like me from the very start? She used to know me before we even started talking (I was committed to a different girl from her school only but when things were like besties between me and my friend's girl, I was single for more than a year) I felt that she perhaps liked me as the eyes never lie and I looked into her she gazed me with a very fascinating look as she's interested in me. (I'm just assuming this, not boasting)
6.She blocked me from everywhere. Is it because she didn't wanna end things with her guy or is it because she was falling deep for me?

1. Should I ever confront my friend with this thing or let it go? (Ever even after his breakup should I? )

8.Was it a good idea to resist myself from escalating into a proper kiss because I did lose from every aspect of this incident.(As I lost the girl, my bond with that friend and I didn't even kiss her)

1. What if she comes back to me after her breakup, should I finish the unfinished business with her and get laid down with her to get over those remorse I had? lol

Also she used to talk to me more than her guy and that's because I guess he didn't use to treat her well like I used to do. Also, she once sent me her cleavage video which she recorded in a hotel with her guy lol 💀 but she sent it to me after I sent her my video of being shirt less which I made for myself to post it on the gram' not for her exclusively.

I had a friend who was my best friend and after 4 years of our friendship he started dating a girl and they were dating since 2-3 years after our friendship. I usually didn't have much interest talking to a girl like being a simp to whosever she was. So I kept at very formal relation with her as she was my friend's girl I knew my limits but some girls have a tendency to get along with her boyfriend's male friend's group and she initiated a conversation at first and so as she was the girl of my best mate so I also even started entertaining her in a playful and respectful way and gradually we both became good friends like we were each other's go to person with any kind of gossip or sauce and we became really good supporting friends of each other. We used to call each other babe, my heart and all the other cute nicknames (and she said her boyfriend which was my friend knows about these little pookie vibes between us and he was fine with it) I never laid eyes on her with the intention of sleeping with her. I used to flirt but that was in a very cheerful way like hyping a girl by saying yeah, you're the princess, you're the champion blah blah you getting me? Then gradually we became more close with each other and then we used to talk on calls sometimes for hours and sometimes she used to call me in the morning or planned a hangout last night and meet me alone in the park where we used to sit beside each other on a bench sharing our things. She used to express her affection or affinity and aversion about my friend and I used to console her not to break ties and resolve everything if she continues to rant about the fight between them but I never misguided her towards breaking up or back biting about my friend in front of her. She slowly started to see me as her best friend, even did she have female best friends, in some matters she only trusted me with stuffs and I used to listen and calm her down. Also, when we used to meet in the park she used to lay her head down on my shoulder getting close to me (she's just resting her head on my shoulders and we're doing nothing, I know she's my friend's girl so I can't even imagine to do anything with her) but things started to get more crisp as I came to a new city where I used to get drunk and call her sometimes because she liked talking to me very much and I used to flirt and shower her with flowery words from my drunken mouth which she didn't wanna let go off and sometimes we took it to a higher level of intimacy like I used to say My fantasy is to sleep with my boss and get a promotion to which she replied okay, I'll be your boss But when I got back to my hometown , one day I invited her to my place when there was no one in my house. I smoked zaza and she was just watching me and then we were sitting really close to each other and at that point of time I really wanted to have hugs and cuddles because my life was so upsetting those days so after smoking I held her close to me from behind and laid her head on my stomach (I was sitting with my legs wide open lol, you could imagine our position) whispering silently into her ears the replies to her talk and she was also relaxing inside my arms and her eyes were closed and she was also really into that moment and me either. And out of nowhere a thought in my mind came across to kiss her idk why (I guess it's because we have known each other for 2 years or more and we were so attached to each other and we were very much comfortable around each other.) I then leaned my head towards her laying head and she realized what moment is it coming so she closed her eyes, gave all her implied consent to do it but when I initiated that kiss on the back of my mind it was always that she's my BESTFRIEND'S GIRL so when I tried to lean towards her mouth, the nose collapses before you kiss and with that collapse it hit me that nahhh, I'm doing something wrong and stopped it. (we didn't exactly kiss because I stopped). Now, things got awkward between both of us (if I had kissed that time, we might have felt more awkward later but that stop from me literally made that awkwardness and silence temporarily. And after that, she got home she texted me and yelled at me for doing so but I somehow tried to console her that we didn't exactly kiss and we were just hugging, don't friends hug each other? Some stupid philosophy of mine stopped her from creating a big scene but only for a time. I knew she was in total guilt and I had much remorse as her because I did that. But things were fine for few days when suddenly one day I texted her Can I call you? I'm drunk let's have a chat she denied and mentioned me to call my friends instead so I didn't complain, I respected her decision and she once used to text me early in the morning as if I'm her go to morning person but now things were different and she didn't text me for a day, for 2 days and it's been a week. I tried texting her but was unable to deliver the message then I presumed something's not good but I couldn't do anything but to wait. Then after she gave her competitive exam she texted me and burst out of rage early in the morning at 8 am I was in my sleep so I agreed and apologized for everything as I was sleepy and didn't have much energy to go on a argument or just explain myself. Then I couldn't get over it that That she came out of the blue after many months like 3-4 months and she just vent down to me with all her outrageous thoughts and the guilt and then she left me and blocked me from that platform. But I couldn't overcome with how she came and conquered me with all her rage and blamed me for everything as she was the only victim here and also somewhere through that incident I believed that she wanted to have that moment between too it's just she didn't wanna initiate it from her side and didn't wanna make things worse for her relationship so I couldn't help but to went on to text her on a different platform and where I pointed out every points and clarified myself in a very sophisticated and mature way that it wasn't only myself who's wrong here and she also partook in that wrong act between us then she came forward realizing that she wasn't right about everything and it was not a good idea to blame me for everything then she apologized and we things quiet became calm between us so se started talking to each other asking about how is our current life going on and what the crucial events we are delved into and also I interrogated her with some questions that WHAT THINGS HAS SHE ACTUALLY TOLD HER BOYFRIEND? She said she told him about our morning rides because of the guilt she was beholding in her heart and some other stuffs I suppose (she claimed that other of her female friends told her boyfriend about these but I don't trust her) also I made sure that she didn't exactly tell her boyfriend (which was my friend) that we came this close from kissing yet we stopped and she said she didn't say anything about this hugging and half kissing thing and I think so that she must not have said it as it would only cause her more harm and worsen her relationship with her boyfriend. She was the best girl I could ever get to talk to about my days and other shits about my day to day experience or anything as she didn't judge me at all but now I've lost her because of stupid mistake but it's okay, I'll get another and better girl and also I've learned a very important lesson throughout this whole experience that I shouldn't be getting much close with my friend's girlfriend as things might seem to go to in a different way. Also, when I met my friend after some time he was nothing like before he used to be with me, more like interacting or asking others for anything when it was only me where he used to go to for any kind of favour or plans as he asks a third guy for any hangout plan but before all of this incident I was the one where he came for any execution of plans or hangouts. Though, I have never confronted him with this thing as I feel very ashamed of myself if I do that and it will only escalate things in a bad way I guess and also I don't care now anymore about that girl and my friend who used to be my very close friend once.
Now, I'm not very certain about many things hope you guys fulfill the gap of my conscience.
1.Did I actually kiss her?
2.Did I break my complete trust as a man to a man? Does that count as complete betrayal with my friend)?
3.Wasn't I loyal to my just friendship with her?
4.Did she develop feelings for me too?
5.Did she like me from the very start? She used to know me before we even started talking (I was committed to a different girl from her school only but when things were like besties between me and my friend's girl, I was single for more than a year) I felt that she perhaps liked me as the eyes never lie and I looked into her she gazed me with a very fascinating look as she's interested in me. (I'm just assuming this, not boasting)
6.She blocked me from everywhere. Is it because she didn't wanna end things with her guy or is it because she was falling deep for me?

1. Should I ever confront my friend with this thing or let it go? (Ever even after his breakup should I? )

8.Was it a good idea to resist myself from escalating into a proper kiss because I did lose from every aspect of this incident.(As I lost the girl, my bond with that friend and I didn't even kiss her)

1. What if she comes back to me after her breakup, should I finish the unfinished business with her and get laid down with her to get over those remorse I had? lol

Also she used to talk to me more than her guy and that's because I guess he didn't use to treat her well like I used to do. Also, she once sent me her cleavage video which she recorded in a hotel with her guy lol 💀 but she sent it to me after I sent her my video of being shirt less which I made for myself to post it on the gram' not for her exclusively.

I had a friend who was my best friend and after 4 years of our friendship he started dating a girl and they were dating since 2-3 years after our friendship. I usually didn't have much interest talking to a girl like being a simp to whosever she was. So I kept at very formal relation with her as she was my friend's girl I knew my limits but some girls have a tendency to get along with her boyfriend's male friend's group and she initiated a conversation at first and so as she was the girl of my best mate so I also even started entertaining her in a playful and respectful way and gradually we both became good friends like we were each other's go to person with any kind of gossip or sauce and we became really good supporting friends of each other. We used to call each other babe, my heart and all the other cute nicknames (and she said her boyfriend which was my friend knows about these little pookie vibes between us and he was fine with it) I never laid eyes on her with the intention of sleeping with her. I used to flirt but that was in a very cheerful way like hyping a girl by saying yeah, you're the princess, you're the champion blah blah you getting me? Then gradually we became more close with each other and then we used to talk on calls sometimes for hours and sometimes she used to call me in the morning or planned a hangout last night and meet me alone in the park where we used to sit beside each other on a bench sharing our things. She used to express her affection or affinity and aversion about my friend and I used to console her not to break ties and resolve everything if she continues to rant about the fight between them but I never misguided her towards breaking up or back biting about my friend in front of her. She slowly started to see me as her best friend, even did she have female best friends, in some matters she only trusted me with stuffs and I used to listen and calm her down. Also, when we used to meet in the park she used to lay her head down on my shoulder getting close to me (she's just resting her head on my shoulders and we're doing nothing, I know she's my friend's girl so I can't even imagine to do anything with her) but things started to get more crisp as I came to a new city where I used to get drunk and call her sometimes because she liked talking to me very much and I used to flirt and shower her with flowery words from my drunken mouth which she didn't wanna let go off and sometimes we took it to a higher level of intimacy like I used to say My fantasy is to sleep with my boss and get a promotion to which she replied okay, I'll be your boss But when I got back to my hometown , one day I invited her to my place when there was no one in my house. I smoked zaza and she was just watching me and then we were sitting really close to each other and at that point of time I really wanted to have hugs and cuddles because my life was so upsetting those days so after smoking I held her close to me from behind and laid her head on my stomach (I was sitting with my legs wide open lol, you could imagine our position) whispering silently into her ears the replies to her talk and she was also relaxing inside my arms and her eyes were closed and she was also really into that moment and me either. And out of nowhere a thought in my mind came across to kiss her idk why (I guess it's because we have known each other for 2 years or more and we were so attached to each other and we were very much comfortable around each other.) I then leaned my head towards her laying head and she realized what moment is it coming so she closed her eyes, gave all her implied consent to do it but when I initiated that kiss on the back of my mind it was always that she's my BESTFRIEND'S GIRL so when I tried to lean towards her mouth, the nose collapses before you kiss and with that collapse it hit me that nahhh, I'm doing something wrong and stopped it. (we didn't exactly kiss because I stopped). Now, things got awkward between both of us (if I had kissed that time, we might have felt more awkward later but that stop from me literally made that awkwardness and silence temporarily. And after that, she got home she texted me and yelled at me for doing so but I somehow tried to console her that we didn't exactly kiss and we were just hugging, don't friends hug each other? Some stupid philosophy of mine stopped her from creating a big scene but only for a time. I knew she was in total guilt and I had much remorse as her because I did that. But things were fine for few days when suddenly one day I texted her Can I call you? I'm drunk let's have a chat she denied and mentioned me to call my friends instead so I didn't complain, I respected her decision and she once used to text me early in the morning as if I'm her go to morning person but now things were different and she didn't text me for a day, for 2 days and it's been a week. I tried texting her but was unable to deliver the message then I presumed something's not good but I couldn't do anything but to wait. Then after she gave her competitive exam she texted me and burst out of rage early in the morning at 8 am I was in my sleep so I agreed and apologized for everything as I was sleepy and didn't have much energy to go on a argument or just explain myself. Then I couldn't get over it that That she came out of the blue after many months like 3-4 months and she just vent down to me with all her outrageous thoughts and the guilt and then she left me and blocked me from that platform. But I couldn't overcome with how she came and conquered me with all her rage and blamed me for everything as she was the only victim here and also somewhere through that incident I believed that she wanted to have that moment between too it's just she didn't wanna initiate it from her side and didn't wanna make things worse for her relationship so I couldn't help but to went on to text her on a different platform and where I pointed out every points and clarified myself in a very sophisticated and mature way that it wasn't only myself who's wrong here and she also partook in that wrong act between us then she came forward realizing that she wasn't right about everything and it was not a good idea to blame me for everything then she apologized and we things quiet became calm between us so se started talking to each other asking about how is our current life going on and what the crucial events we are delved into and also I interrogated her with some questions that WHAT THINGS HAS SHE ACTUALLY TOLD HER BOYFRIEND? She said she told him about our morning rides because of the guilt she was beholding in her heart and some other stuffs I suppose (she claimed that other of her female friends told her boyfriend about these but I don't trust her) also I made sure that she didn't exactly tell her boyfriend (which was my friend) that we came this close from kissing yet we stopped and she said she didn't say anything about this hugging and half kissing thing and I think so that she must not have said it as it would only cause her more harm and worsen her relationship with her boyfriend. She was the best girl I could ever get to talk to about my days and other shits about my day to day experience or anything as she didn't judge me at all but now I've lost her because of stupid mistake but it's okay, I'll get another and better girl and also I've learned a very important lesson throughout this whole experience that I shouldn't be getting much close with my friend's girlfriend as things might seem to go to in a different way. Also, when I met my friend after some time he was nothing like before he used to be with me, more like interacting or asking others for anything when it was only me where he used to go to for any kind of favour or plans as he asks a third guy for any hangout plan but before all of this incident I was the one where he came for any execution of plans or hangouts. Though, I have never confronted him with this thing as I feel very ashamed of myself if I do that and it will only escalate things in a bad way I guess and also I don't care now anymore about that girl and my friend who used to be my very close friend once.
Now, I'm not very certain about many things hope you guys fulfill the gap of my conscience.
1.Did I actually kiss her?
2.Did I break my complete trust as a man to a man? Does that count as complete betrayal with my friend)?
3.Wasn't I loyal to my just friendship with her?
4.Did she develop feelings for me too?
5.Did she like me from the very start? She used to know me before we even started talking (I was committed to a different girl from her school only but when things were like besties between me and my friend's girl, I was single for more than a year) I felt that she perhaps liked me as the eyes never lie and I looked into her she gazed me with a very fascinating look as she's interested in me. (I'm just assuming this, not boasting)
6.She blocked me from everywhere. Is it because she didn't wanna end things with her guy or is it because she was falling deep for me?

1. Should I ever confront my friend with this thing or let it go? (Ever even after his breakup should I? )

8.Was it a good idea to resist myself from escalating into a proper kiss because I did lose from every aspect of this incident.(As I lost the girl, my bond with that friend and I didn't even kiss her)

1. What if she comes back to me after her breakup, should I finish the unfinished business with her and get laid down with her to get over those remorse I had? lol

Also she used to talk to me more than her guy and that's because I guess he didn't use to treat her well like I used to do. Also, she once sent me her cleavage video which she recorded in a hotel with her guy lol 💀 but she sent it to me after I sent her my video of being shirt less which I made for myself to post it on the gram' not for her exclusively.

I had a friend who was my best friend and after 4 years of our friendship he started dating a girl and they were dating since 2-3 years after our friendship. I usually didn't have much interest talking to a girl like being a simp to whosever she was. So I kept at very formal relation with her as she was my friend's girl I knew my limits but some girls have a tendency to get along with her boyfriend's male friend's group and she initiated a conversation at first and so as she was the girl of my best mate so I also even started entertaining her in a playful and respectful way and gradually we both became good friends like we were each other's go to person with any kind of gossip or sauce and we became really good supporting friends of each other. We used to call each other babe, my heart and all the other cute nicknames (and she said her boyfriend which was my friend knows about these little clingy vibes between us and he was fine with it) I never laid eyes on her with the intention of sleeping with her. I used to flirt but that was in a very cheerful way like hyping a girl by saying yeah, you're the princess, you're the champion blah blah you getting me? Then gradually we became more close with each other and then we used to talk on calls sometimes for hours and sometimes she used to call me in the morning or planned a hangout last night and meet me alone in the park where we used to sit beside each other on a bench sharing our things. She used to express her affection or affinity and aversion about my friend and I used to console her not to break ties and resolve everything if she continues to rant about the fight between them but I never misguided her towards breaking up or back biting about my friend in front of her. She slowly started to see me as her best friend, even did she have female best friends, in some matters she only trusted me with stuffs and I used to listen and calm her down. Also, when we used to meet in the park she used to lay her head down on my shoulder getting close to me (she's just resting her head on my shoulders and we're doing nothing, I know she's my friend's girl so I can't even imagine to do anything with her) but things started to get more crisp as I came to a new city where I used to get drunk and call her sometimes because she liked talking to me very much and I used to flirt and shower her with flowery words from my drunken mouth which she didn't wanna let go off and sometimes we took it to a higher level of intimacy like I used to say My fantasy is to sleep with my boss and get a promotion to which she replied okay, I'll be your boss But when I got back to my hometown , one day I invited her to my place when there was no one in my house. I smoked zaza and she was just watching me and then we were sitting really close to each other and at that point of time I really wanted to have hugs and cuddles because my life was so upsetting those days so after smoking I held her close to me from behind and laid her head on my stomach (I was sitting with my legs wide open lol, you could imagine our position) whispering silently into her ears the replies to her talk and she was also relaxing inside my arms and her eyes were closed and she was also really into that moment and me either. And out of nowhere a thought in my mind came across to kiss her idk why (I guess it's because we have known each other for 2 years or more and we were so attached to each other and we were very much comfortable around each other.) I then leaned my head towards her laying head and she realized what moment is it coming so she closed her eyes, gave all her implied consent to do it but when I initiated that kiss on the back of my mind it was always that she's my BESTFRIEND'S GIRL so when I tried to lean towards her mouth, the nose collapses before you kiss and with that collapse it hit me that nahhh, I'm doing something wrong and stopped it. (we didn't exactly kiss because I stopped). Now, things got awkward between both of us (if I had kissed that time, we might have felt more awkward later but that stop from me literally made that awkwardness and silence temporarily. And after that, she got home she texted me and yelled at me for doing so but I somehow tried to console her that we didn't exactly kiss and we were just hugging, don't friends hug each other? Some stupid philosophy of mine stopped her from creating a big scene but only for a time. I knew she was in total guilt and I had much remorse as her because I did that. But things were fine for few days when suddenly one day I texted her Can I call you? I'm drunk let's have a chat she denied and mentioned me to call my friends instead so I didn't complain, I respected her decision and she once used to text me early in the morning as if I'm her go to morning person but now things were different and she didn't text me for a day, for 2 days and it's been a week. I tried texting her but was unable to deliver the message then I presumed something's not good but I couldn't do anything but to wait. Then after she gave her competitive exam she texted me and burst out of rage early in the morning at 8 am I was in my sleep so I agreed and apologized for everything as I was sleepy and didn't have much energy to go on a argument or just explain myself. Then I couldn't get over it that That she came out of the blue after many months like 3-4 months and she just vent down to me with all her outrageous thoughts and the guilt and then she left me and blocked me from that platform. But I couldn't overcome with how she came and conquered me with all her rage and blamed me for everything as she was the only victim here and also somewhere through that incident I believed that she wanted to have that moment between too it's just she didn't wanna initiate it from her side and didn't wanna make things worse for her relationship so I couldn't help but to went on to text her on a different platform and where I pointed out every points and clarified myself in a very sophisticated and mature way that it wasn't only myself who's wrong here and she also partook in that wrong act between us then she came forward realizing that she wasn't right about everything and it was not a good idea to blame me for everything then she apologized and we things quiet became calm between us so se started talking to each other asking about how is our current life going on and what the crucial events we are delved into and also I interrogated her with some questions that WHAT THINGS HAS SHE ACTUALLY TOLD HER BOYFRIEND? She said she told him about our morning rides because of the guilt she was beholding in her heart and some other stuffs I suppose (she claimed that other of her female friends told her boyfriend about these but I don't trust her) also I made sure that she didn't exactly tell her boyfriend (which was my friend) that we came this close from kissing yet we stopped and she said she didn't say anything about this hugging and half kissing thing and I think so that she must not have said it as it would only cause her more harm and worsen her relationship with her boyfriend. She was the best girl I could ever get to talk to about my days and other shits about my day to day experience or anything as she didn't judge me at all but now I've lost her because of stupid mistake but it's okay, I'll get another and better girl and also I've learned a very important lesson throughout this whole experience that I shouldn't be getting much close with my friend's girlfriend as things might seem to go to in a different way. Also, when I met my friend after some time he was nothing like before he used to be with me, more like interacting or asking others for anything when it was only me where he used to go to for any kind of favour or plans as he asks a third guy for any hangout plan but before all of this incident I was the one where he came for any execution of plans or hangouts. Though, I have never confronted him with this thing as I feel very ashamed of myself if I do that and it will only escalate things in a bad way I guess and also I don't care now anymore about that girl and my friend who used to be my very close friend once.
Now, I'm not very certain about many things hope you guys fulfill the gap of my conscience.
1.Did I actually kiss her?
2.Did I break my complete trust as a man to a man? Does that count as complete betrayal with my friend)?
3.Wasn't I loyal to my just friendship with her?
4.Did she develop feelings for me too?
5.Did she like me from the very start? She used to know me before we even started talking (I was committed to a different girl from her school only but when things were like besties between me and my friend's girl, I was single for more than a year) I felt that she perhaps liked me as the eyes never lie and I looked into her she gazed me with a very fascinating look as she's interested in me. (I'm just assuming this, not boasting)
6.She blocked me from everywhere. Is it because she didn't wanna end things with her guy or is it because she was falling deep for me?

1. Should I ever confront my friend with this thing or let it go? (Ever even after his breakup should I? )

8.Was it a good idea to resist myself from escalating into a proper kiss because I did lose from every aspect of this incident.(As I lost the girl, my bond with that friend and I didn't even kiss her)

1. What if she comes back to me after her breakup, should I finish the unfinished business with her and get laid down with her to get over those remorse I had? lol

Also she used to talk to me more than her guy and that's because I guess he didn't use to treat her well like I used to do. Also, she once sent me her cleavage video which she recorded in a hotel with her guy lol 💀 but she sent it to me after I sent her my video of being shirt less which I made for myself to post it on the gram' not for her exclusively.

I had a friend who was my best friend and after 4 years of our friendship he started dating a girl and they were dating since 2-3 years after our friendship. I usually didn't have much interest talking to a girl like being a simp to whosever she was. So I kept at very formal relation with her as she was my friend's girl I knew my limits but some girls have a tendency to get along with her boyfriend's male friend's group and she initiated a conversation at first and so as she was the girl of my best mate so I also even started entertaining her in a playful and respectful way and gradually we both became good friends like we were each other's go to person with any kind of gossip or sauce and we became really good supporting friends of each other. We used to call each other babe, my heart and all the other cute nicknames (and she said her boyfriend which was my friend knows about these little pookie vibes between us and he was fine with it) I never laid eyes on her with the intention of sleeping with her. I used to flirt but that was in a very cheerful way like hyping a girl by saying yeah, you're the princess, you're the champion blah blah you getting me? Then gradually we became more close with each other and then we used to talk on calls sometimes for hours and sometimes she used to call me in the morning or planned a hangout last night and meet me alone in the park where we used to sit beside each other on a bench sharing our things. She used to express her affection or affinity and aversion about my friend and I used to console her not to break ties and resolve everything if she continues to rant about the fight between them but I never misguided her towards breaking up or back biting about my friend in front of her. She slowly started to see me as her best friend, even did she have female best friends, in some matters she only trusted me with stuffs and I used to listen and calm her down. Also, when we used to meet in the park she used to lay her head down on my shoulder getting close to me (she's just resting her head on my shoulders and we're doing nothing, I know she's my friend's girl so I can't even imagine to do anything with her) but things started to get more crisp as I came to a new city where I used to get drunk and call her sometimes because she liked talking to me very much and I used to flirt and shower her with flowery words from my drunken mouth which she didn't wanna let go off and sometimes we took it to a higher level of intimacy like I used to say My fantasy is to sleep with my boss and get a promotion to which she replied okay, I'll be your boss But when I got back to my hometown , one day I invited her to my place when there was no one in my house. I smoked zaza and she was just watching me and then we were sitting really close to each other and at that point of time I really wanted to have hugs and cuddles because my life was so upsetting those days so after smoking I held her close to me from behind and laid her head on my stomach (I was sitting with my legs wide open lol, you could imagine our position) whispering silently into her ears the replies to her talk and she was also relaxing inside my arms and her eyes were closed and she was also really into that moment and me either. And out of nowhere a thought in my mind came across to kiss her idk why (I guess it's because we have known each other for 2 years or more and we were so attached to each other and we were very much comfortable around each other.) I then leaned my head towards her laying head and she realized what moment is it coming so she closed her eyes, gave all her implied consent to do it but when I initiated that kiss on the back of my mind it was always that she's my BESTFRIEND'S GIRL so when I tried to lean towards her mouth, the nose collapses before you kiss and with that collapse it hit me that nahhh, I'm doing something wrong and stopped it. (we didn't exactly kiss because I stopped). Now, things got awkward between both of us (if I had kissed that time, we might have felt more awkward later but that stop from me literally made that awkwardness and silence temporarily. And after that, she got home she texted me and yelled at me for doing so but I somehow tried to console her that we didn't exactly kiss and we were just hugging, don't friends hug each other? Some stupid philosophy of mine stopped her from creating a big scene but only for a time. I knew she was in total guilt and I had much remorse as her because I did that. But things were fine for few days when suddenly one day I texted her Can I call you? I'm drunk let's have a chat she denied and mentioned me to call my friends instead so I didn't complain, I respected her decision and she once used to text me early in the morning as if I'm her go to morning person but now things were different and she didn't text me for a day, for 2 days and it's been a week. I tried texting her but was unable to deliver the message then I presumed something's not good but I couldn't do anything but to wait. Then after she gave her competitive exam she texted me and burst out of rage early in the morning at 8 am I was in my sleep so I agreed and apologized for everything as I was sleepy and didn't have much energy to go on a argument or just explain myself. Then I couldn't get over it that That she came out of the blue after many months like 3-4 months and she just vent down to me with all her outrageous thoughts and the guilt and then she left me and blocked me from that platform. But I couldn't overcome with how she came and conquered me with all her rage and blamed me for everything as she was the only victim here and also somewhere through that incident I believed that she wanted to have that moment between too it's just she didn't wanna initiate it from her side and didn't wanna make things worse for her relationship so I couldn't help but to went on to text her on a different platform and where I pointed out every points and clarified myself in a very sophisticated and mature way that it wasn't only myself who's wrong here and she also partook in that wrong act between us then she came forward realizing that she wasn't right about everything and it was not a good idea to blame me for everything then she apologized and we things quiet became calm between us so se started talking to each other asking about how is our current life going on and what the crucial events we are delved into and also I interrogated her with some questions that WHAT THINGS HAS SHE ACTUALLY TOLD HER BOYFRIEND? She said she told him about our morning rides because of the guilt she was beholding in her heart and some other stuffs I suppose (she claimed that other of her female friends told her boyfriend about these but I don't trust her) also I made sure that she didn't exactly tell her boyfriend (which was my friend) that we came this close from kissing yet we stopped and she said she didn't say anything about this hugging and half kissing thing and I think so that she must not have said it as it would only cause her more harm and worsen her relationship with her boyfriend. She was the best girl I could ever get to talk to about my days and other shits about my day to day experience or anything as she didn't judge me at all but now I've lost her because of stupid mistake but it's okay, I'll get another and better girl and also I've learned a very important lesson throughout this whole experience that I shouldn't be getting much close with my friend's girlfriend as things might seem to go to in a different way. Also, when I met my friend after some time he was nothing like before he used to be with me, more like interacting or asking others for anything when it was only me where he used to go to for any kind of favour or plans as he asks a third guy for any hangout plan but before all of this incident I was the one where he came for any execution of plans or hangouts. Though, I have never confronted him with this thing as I feel very ashamed of myself if I do that and it will only escalate things in a bad way I guess and also I don't care now anymore about that girl and my friend who used to be my very close friend once.
Now, I'm not very certain about many things hope you guys fulfill the gap of my conscience.
1.Did I actually kiss her?
2.Did I break my complete trust as a man to a man? Does that count as complete betrayal with my friend)?
3.Wasn't I loyal to my just friendship with her?
4.Did she develop feelings for me too?
5.Did she like me from the very start? She used to know me before we even started talking (I was committed to a different girl from her school only but when things were like besties between me and my friend's girl, I was single for more than a year) I felt that she perhaps liked me as the eyes never lie and I looked into her she gazed me with a very fascinating look as she's interested in me. (I'm just assuming this, not boasting)
6.She blocked me from everywhere. Is it because she didn't wanna end things with her guy or is it because she was falling deep for me?

1. Should I ever confront my friend with this thing or let it go? (Ever even after his breakup should I? )

8.Was it a good idea to resist myself from escalating into a proper kiss because I did lose from every aspect of this incident.(As I lost the girl, my bond with that friend and I didn't even kiss her)

1. What if she comes back to me after her breakup, should I finish the unfinished business with her and get laid down with her to get over those remorse I had? lol

Also she used to talk to me more than her guy and that's because I guess he didn't use to treat her well like I used to do. Also, she once sent me her cleavage video which she recorded in a hotel with her guy lol 💀 but she sent it to me after I sent her my video of being shirt less which I made for myself to post it on the gram' not for her exclusively.