TLDR -
Our relationship began last summer, although we initially met in grad school during a Zoom class and later in person during our internships. I had an immediate crush but was too nervous to approach her. Fast forward to last April, we matched on Tinder, hit it off quickly, and went on our first date almost exactly a year ago. Despite my nerves, it was the best date I could have hoped for, and we connected deeply. Over the summer, we continued seeing each other, often spending late nights watching movies. Even though she initially said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, we spent a lot of time together, and eventually, we became a couple before I moved away for an artist residency.
The long-distance relationship was challenging but manageable, as we talked all the time, and became very ingrained into each other's lives. I often drove long hours to see her, and we communicated regularly. We had started talking about moving in together when I returned, as well as the possibility of marriage. However when I moved back, my workload increased, particularly with a ceramics, and our relationship began to strain, without me noticing. The stress from my work and the disappointment from a failed kiln firing led me to shut down emotionally, affecting our communication. She felt neglected, especially since I didn’t discuss my struggles in fear of worrying her about my health. As I feared I was borderline depressed, from the lack of motivation and burn out. I also applied to a different residency assuming we were on the same page about the situation, which would affect our plans of moving in together. Despite our deep connection and mutual support, my preoccupation with work and lack of communication caused her to feel pushed away. Now, she's unsure about her feelings for me, overwhelmed by her own challenges she needs to face within the next month, and needs time to think about our future. I’ve been trying to show her she is my priority, but I’m unsure what else to do and desperately seeking advice on how to assure her of my commitment and rebuild our relationship.
Things had been fine for 7-8 months until I started shutting off emotionally from the constant failure and disappointment of work outcomes. When I realized to make an effort to see each other more, it was too late as she felt too pushed away at that point. We talked yesterday and came to the conclusion that we're not breaking up, but she needs some time and space to herself while she decides how she feels about the relationship.
The long explanation
I guess I should start off with how the relationship started and how it's been for first 7-8 months.
We started seeing each other last Summer after her graduation. We had originally met in grad school, we had a Zoom class together and we met in person for the first time during our internships. I immediately got a crush on her, and tried to just say Hi to her whenever I got the chance. I saw her as someone way out of my league, and was nervous to talk to her.
Flash forward to last April, we match on Tinder and we really hit it off quite fast. I was still nervous about the whole thing, thinking she wouldn't be into me. I eventually got the guts to ask her out, and we finally went out almost exactly a year ago. I was worried the date would be awkward and she wouldn't like me, at this time I also hadn't been out with anyone else in years, I had gotten out of a very long term relationship previously and hadn't met anyone new yet.
It was honestly the best first date I could have hoped for, better than I could have hoped for. Since the moment of picking her up to dropping her back off, we were talking non stop. We got to know so much about each other that night and I fell for her almost immediately. We almost kept the workers at the restaurant late, we didn't realize an hour had gone by after we finished eating. We just sat there talking. Then we went to karaoke night at a bar, we didn't do karaoke as we're both very shy in front of crowds. Overall it was literally the best night I had in a very long time.
After our 3rd time going out, I thought I would ask her out properly, and see if she would like to be a couple. I did, but she said it was too early for her to start a relationship as she had gotten out of one 2 months prior. But that she enjoys our time together and just needed some time before going into a new relationship. Which was fine, I wanted to respect her space and gave her the time she needed. We still saw each other multiple times throughout the Summer. I went over to her place late at night quite often to watch movies until 3 or 4am.
During this time, I of course still had huge crush on her. I also drove by her work when I got the chance to drop off coffee. If she texted to ask if I wanted to watch a movie, I would drop everything I was doing. I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her. Because I also knew that she was moving away, just two hours away from where we both were, but that was still pretty far and I thought the distance would ruin any chance. It also didn't help that I was also moving out of state, 10 hours away from her. I was willing to do anything to make long distance work. I just needed to ask her again.
Before I actually asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship together, we finally had our first kiss while watching a movie, and that whole week we basically acted like a couple, but hadn't made it official yet. I told her my feelings, and she told me hers. Turns out she was very into me as well. I asked her if she was sure, since we were both moving far apart. We agreed that we could make it work. We had gotten along so well over the last 2 months. We like all the same stuff, music, tv, movies, games, etc. It felt like she was the person I was missing in my life for so long. Literally my second half.
She moved before I did, but I drove to her every weekend before I moved. And I always stayed from Friday to Monday. I helped her explore her new city, and move all of her stuff over. I fell for her more and more every day. After I made my move, we agreed to call each other every other night, to play games together or to watch a show or movie. It was hard, but we managed to do it. The roughest parts were having to deal with no phone service up there, or very little access to internet. But we made it, and she even drove all the way up to see me for one weekend. Which meant so much to me.
Over the next few months, I had started to struggle at my new place and in the position I was in in my career. I also managed to make time to see her once, sometimes twice a month. My drives would last 10-12 hours depending on traffic, but it was always worth it just to be able to see her.
I eventually left my position, due to very poor management, and for it being a nearly abusive situation. So in December I packed everything up and moved back home. Here's another important detail. My position was to be just for a year, which is one of the reasons we worked so hard to make long distance work. As we knew eventually we'd be close again. Our original plan was this. I'd move and work for a year, and when I come back we would look for a place together and hopefully move in. A this point, marriage had been brought up. We both knew we love each other so much, and that marriage was in our future.
I guess I should clear up what I do. I'm an artist, and the last few years have been spent with me participating in artist residencies. These vary in length, but the one I moved for was a year. I had hoped that I could gain experience in my field, in a proper studio setting, and develop my work further with the studio access I would have. It's specifically in ceramics. This was my first residency that was long term. In the past the max was 2 weeks. As a ceramic artist, woodfired ceramics is my thing.
Anyways, I moved back. Everything went back to the way it was before I moved. We alternated who drives to who on the weekends. We spent the entire week of Christmas/new years together. Before that on my visits, she was able to meet my family and friends. Everyone points out how well she and I get along, and that we're such a great match.
Starting in January, I was back in the mood to work on ceramics related projects. I had managed to get into some woodfirings, which for those unfamiliar, they're not very common. It's also a very demanding type of firing as we're stoking the kiln with wood constantly. These can be anywhere from 12 hours, to 100 hours straight. during this time I had also started working for my family's business again.
During January and February I was in my home studio constantly making work, often well into the night. Some deadlines started coming up, and as they got closer I was rushing as much as I could, and making as much work as I could. But it hadn't affected my life much, yet. Everything had still went well, and we were still calling each other at least twice a week, and seeing each other every weekend. Every other Sunday was D&D night with my friends, which she joined into as well. Everything was still going great.
March is when I think everything started going downhill. Besides the fact that I had a ceramics conference coming up, and that was a ton of pressure. I also had the biggest firing of the year happening 2 weeks after the conference, and I was one of the key leaders necessary to make the firing happen. There was tons and tons of pressure on me in March/April. I had to rush work for the conference AND the firings. And the previous firings I had earlier in the year turned out to not be very great, and left me very disappointed. But the biggest firing of the year was happening, and I need work. Because I had also been considering applying to another residency, I was so screwed over by the last place, that I wanted one more shot. It also didn't help that I also started up a Minecraft community my friends and I ran, but one that I mostly ran. I didn't realize how much time that took up either.
The conference went well, she went with me and she got to meet all of my ceramic friends, and we had our first road trip. the conference was a 12 hour drive for us. As soon as I got back from the conference, I knew I had to rush a lot of work and start prepping out at the kiln. I still set aside the weekends to see her, but I was just so busy during the week not just with the kiln, but also working for my family. I shifted my free time to playing Minecraft, as it's always been a comfort game for me since I was in high school. Some days I'd be so exhausted I didn't want to do anything else but just place blocks mindlessly for a few hours. At the conference, I met lots of people, and the hype from it all made me want to reapply to a residency. I had brought up that I was thinking about reapplying, and it felt like she was supportive of that decision. She was very aware of everything that happened at the last place.
the week of the firing I needed to be there as much as I could, I did 12 - 16 hour shifts on the kiln at a time, and I did overnight shifts. This meant for the whole week, she would work all day while I slept, and then I went and worked all night while she slept. I didn't realize how much this would affect her. I don't even think we saw each other that weekend, we waited until the next so she could come unload the kiln. That was the first time we spend more than a week without each other since I moved back.
I wanted to try another residency, and the deadline for the only place I was interested in was a few days after we finished firing. So I took that weekend to write out my application and send it in.
When we finally unloaded the kiln, it really really, really, disappointed me. So much time in the studio, so much time making work and starting over, so much time spent working on firing the kiln. Everything went wrong, and 90% of work I made was ruined. It really hit me hard, but I didn't want to show it. It affected me mentally and emotionally more than I thought it could. I kind of shut down for a bit. I went back to work, and when I came home in the afternoons I didn't do much, I just stayed in bed. On my off days during the week, I'd spent most of the day in bed. Barely talking to anyone. It just really sucked. So much. It sucked because I had hyped this up to everyone. I hyped myself up. I posted about it every day promising to update my followers on social media. I put in SO MANY hours into this. Just for almost all of my hard work to be ruined.
I didn't talk about how I felt. I didn't talk much.
I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to make excuses. I just shut down for a bit, and I didn't realize how much that would affect her. I had noticed since march, and especially in April we hadn't talked much during the week anymore. Maybe once a week we called to play something, or watch something. I was busy, and she was busy and going through her own struggles. She's a middle school teacher, and she's really been struggling the whole year in her position. I was always there to comfort her, and to be someone to listen to her about everything that's been going on. But all of that time just focusing on my work put a lot of strain on our relationship. You'd think that after the firing was over, I'd be free again and have time. But I was so disappointed I spent the whole week after making work again and rushing again, since I had a market to do, and I needed work to sell. the sale also wasn't great, and all of that just really hurt me. I didn't want her to worry about me. So I kept a lot of my thoughts to myself, of how I was feeling about the firing, and in general the career I've been trying to build in ceramics.
Me focusing on my work, and only my work, really really affected our relationship more than I ever though it would. And it was never intentional. And the rest of April/beginning of May was just rough. We saw each other maybe one day a week, or not at all, one day it was just for a few hours, since we had other things to do on the weekends. The market was out of state, and she wasn't able to go with me due to her work. I also realized I wouldn't get the residency, which was honestly kind of a relief.
Two weeks ago, I felt as everything finally cleared and I was starting to feel better. I went to see her on a Sunday, and I had taken a few days off so I could stay at her place until Wednesday. We hadn't had time together for more than a day in a really long time. So this was time to make up for some of it. Something had felt off that day though. I wasn't sure what it was, but I started to get worried. We would often tell each other "I love you" followed by "you promise, you swear?" It was always playful, while also being a little bit of a reassurance. I asked her that day, and it felt mostly normal. Later that nigh while getting ready for bed, she was just looking at me, and I asked "What's wrong"
This is when everything came out. She said she was afraid that we wouldn't make it. And then said that over the last 2 months, she felt pushed away and like she wasn't a priority to me. That it hurt that I applied to a residency without talking to her about it first, especially since our original plan was to move in together. I thought, we were on the same page on that. She seemed supportive, but we never had a real conversation about it. It was, "hey I applied for this thing" and "I hope you get it, you really deserve another chance!" She even looked for teaching jobs in the area I would move to, if I did get the residency.
Since that firing I wasn't there for her. I didn't tell her about my days where I just wanted to rot in bed. Some days I didn't now what to talk about. I felt borderline depressed. And I didn't talk, or talk about it, or talk to her much. I kept looking forward to the days when we would see each other on the weekends, but other things got in the way most times, and we didn't have the regular amount of time we had gotten used to. In person when we did see each other, things felt normal. I guess the weekdays after work are when she needed me the most, while I either stayed in bed all day, or got on Minecraft to mindlessly place blocks. Sometimes I didn't even do anything productive in game, I just ran around. I was sad. I just didn't want her to see me like that.
It sucks that I noticed too late. I knew we hadn't been able to have a lot of time together. I had planned to finally dedicate a few days together like before, and I brought over some board games so we could have stuff to do together. I knew that we would have to talk about moving in and planning out the rest of the summer.
The time apart, and the time of me not talking much really hurt her so much. I feel so terrible about it. Like I said it was never intentional. She said that her days for the last month were just going to work and coming home, hoping she would get a chance to talk to me. She said that night, that she doesn't know if she feels the same way about me anymore. She felt pushed away so much, and felt like she's already mourned the relationship. And she said it wasn't just that, that's made her afraid about our relationship. She's having trouble finding a new job, and her lease is up at the end of June, and she can't look for a new place, until she gets a new job. She's been applying for a lot of jobs closer to my area. But she also doesn't know if she needs to move back to her parents to take care of them, as they're not doing well either. And they live on the opposite side of the state. She has a lot of pressure on her right now and is very overwhelmed by everything going on, and all the decisions she's having to make in such short notice.
That night I, possibly stupidly, asked her if she wanted me to leave, after she said maybe she just needs some time and space. I say stupidly, because after I got home I felt like leaving wasn't the right decision. Before I left though, I told her everything. About how I had been feeling, and how I don't even know if I want to do a residency anymore. But she told me not to say that because of her. Of course not doing it would mean I get to stay with her, but I assured her this is something that's been on my mind. I told her that maybe we're just having a rough patch in the relationship and we should work together on it, and apologized for not being there for her. She said that with everything else going on with her, her parents, her work, her lease, everything, she needs some time to think about our relationship.
Since that night, I've been doing everything to assure her that she IS my priority and trying to prove to her that I do care and love her very much. I've been trying so hard to put myself back together, and just been reflecting on everything that's happened since we met. And thinking about the future, and trying to plan things out.
I wrote her a 6 page letter explaining all my feelings and how I felt about her, and reminding her of all the absolutely great times we had together. As well as highlighting my mistakes, and promising to never make her feel pushed away again.
She came over last weekend, I assume originally to return my stuff and call it off. It was different, there was a big elephant in the room, and I finally asked her how she's felt. And she says she still doesn't know. She had some time to think about everything, but doesn't know what she wants to do. We agreed that she would need some more time. We ended up going out for food and a movie, and she stayed the night. Though, opposite sides of the bed, and no kind of intimacy. Which is fine, she needs the space. She read the letter, and said it was very sweet and wished I put that much effort over the last two months. and I just said "I do too"
She came back this weekend, and stayed again. It almost felt back to normal. We spent Saturday and Sunday together, we went out, went shopping, went to one of our favorite restaurants, and another movie. I didn't bring anything up because I didn't want to ruin what felt like a regular weekend with her again. But before she left I just felt like I need to ask how she had been feeling. She said that she came over because she was wanting to feel it out, see how we would do together. And that she had fun with me.
She just still doesn't know if she feels the same way anymore. But that there's something keeping her from saying she wants to break up. She said that she still likes me a lot, and doesn't want to lose contact with me, and that she doesn't want to never see me again. That maybe, she just needs to settle down with her job, parents, and moving. I asked a question, I said "This might be a dumb question, but did we break up?" She said she doesn't know. We kept talking about stuff, and we came down to we didn't break up, but she still needs some time to get everything sorted out. Because, like I said, she's very overwhelmed with a ton of stuff. She still doesn't know where she's gonna move to, if she's gonna be able to move. But she said that she and I make a really good match, that we're best friends.
She's coming back over on Friday, and Saturday we're gonna spend the day looking at some apartments, in the general area where she's looking for a job.
I just don't know what else I can do. And I'm desperate for any advice anyone has to offer.
Here are my thoughts on from my side.
I know I can say she's my priority all I want, but I really need to show it. I've been more active in showing her that. Everything else aside, the last two weeks we've been talking more than we have been in a while. We still call to watch shows. We've been on Survivor, 90 Day Fiance, and Sopranos. I haven't suggested 90 Day lately though given the situation. She's gonna get Stardew soon, and we'll start playing together hopefully this week. Yesterday we started Shogun. I know that the last two weeks isn't going to magically fix all of our problems. I'm very aware of that. But I'm trying to show her she IS my priority.
Career wise, I've reflected a lot on this. I need to use my teaching degree, and get a job as a teacher. It's still my plan to be an artist/teacher. Part of the reason I wanted so badly to do a residency, besides having a studio, I thought it would help a lot on a resume. Plus more actual studio experience, felt like it would be great for my future students. It's always been my plan to teach. If I don't use my teaching certification for 3 years, I have to renew, which I've heard is a pain and expensive. this was my last year before I have to renew, so I felt I could get a residency out of the way before going into teaching full time.
But I'm 100% okay with not getting to do that. Like I said previously, I was honestly a little relieved when I realized it wasn't happening. I'm starting to look for job openings in the area, and I have an interview to be an instructor at a local studio tomorrow. Besides that I have no set in stone plans for a job and where I'm living. Since leaving the residency in December, I've had to move into my parents for the time being. I think no matter what I need to start looking for a new place soon. I hadn't looked before, because I was thinking I'd either move out of state again or move in with her.
If she were up for it after all of this, assuming it goes well, I'd move in with her anywhere she ends up moving to. I half jokingly said that if she has to stay in her current job, and city, that I looked into it and there's a place there I could potentially teach at as well. But she said she doesn't want to feel like she's making me uproot my life for her. But I would have anyways if things went well this whole time. And that if she moves back in with her parents, there's another place up there I could work out of.
Again, I know stuff like that isn't going to magically fix everything. If I said hey let's move in, I know that's not the solution. But I'm not saying let's move in, in hopes that it fixes everything.
She feels like I would be giving things up to be with her. I just don't know how to assure her that it's not me "giving things up" If we were to be together for sure, I would be more than happy to do what it takes to be with her. How to I assure her that "giving things up" isn't a bad thing. I feel like she feels that me staying with her, is the bad option. I also feel like she's afraid that I'd make her feel pushed away again. She asked what happens during the firing next year, and I gonna ignore her again? I assured her I wouldn't, and that I'm over woodfiring a bit. This year was just really rough in terms of my work being woodfired. Just disappointment after disappointment. I've also learned that my professor, who runs the firing, has been cutting off a lot of our regular shift leaders lately. He kept saying that they really needed me this year. I felt bad about our key people missing out, and felt pressure to work as much as I can do make it happen. Which is why I did up to 16 hours a night on the kiln, and spent so much time prepping it the week before, as well as all the pressure of having to rush work. After hearing everything that's going on, I feel almost taken advantage on with this whole situation. Since the firing I've learned about all the people he cut off, and accusations he's made about people.
Also, sorry about such a long post. I wanted to be as detailed as I can, so people don't get the wrong idea about things. I've tried to keep everything clear, while still leaving very personal details to a minimum.
I really thought she was the one, since day one we've gotten along so well. We quickly became each other's best friends. She's my best friend and my favorite person. It's really scary, the thought of losing her. But I hurt her so much, and I didn't even realize it until it was too late, and I feel so terrible about it. There's a part of me that's cautiously optimistic. If we break up what if we never talk again? She's become so ingrained into my life, it's scary to think one day I'll go a whole day without talking to her. I know she's really thinking about it, and taking her time. Instead of jut saying that. I'm very aware of my mistakes, and that I should have done things differently. I'm trying my hardest to make up for it. I know that it'll take some time, it's not something that'll be instantly fixed.
I just don't know what else to do, if I should just keep going the way things are right now, who to talk to about all of this. I just need any kind of advice and/or reassurance. She said that in the worst case scenario, we're just best friends, and she doesn't want us to stop hanging out at all or lose contact. Because we make such a good match.

I 22F have not yet been told I have gout. I received my test results from my doctor in his portal since I have my weight management follow up appointment tomorrow. Well I saw that my uric acid was high and of course I didn’t really know what that meant and looked it up and saw gout and remembered it runs in my family. I have scoliosis and recently my back has been worse I cannot sit, stand, walk, lay down. My knees have been in pain, my hands have been in so much pain and I work on a computer all day so the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis is a lot. All my joints hurt basically and to finally have an answer (technically not yet) is relieving but also like what do I do now? How can I make my life better? My train of thought is like geez I’m 22 years old I’m a mom of 2 and gout just had to mess everything up. What does everybody here do ? What should I expect from my doctor ? What meds work the best ? I’m in so much pain and to finally know why I just bawled.
I need advice anything you want to give.

(TL;DR - Player wants to try running the game, I let him do so, he's not great at it, and his forced subplot ends up having negative health effects on the player he wanted to participate the most)
Not every problematic situation has a "bad guy". Sometimes the problems come from genuinely good people that either make a mistake, don't communicate properly or just end up trying to force one aspect of a game over others, sometimes to the detriment of other players. This story is very recent, the end of it happened last week.
I have a player in my games (fantastic guy, a great player, a good role-player, a little akward, but he's very enthusiastic) ask me if he can occasionally take the reins of being the DM once in a while. It's kind of healthy to do this sometimes just so that the forever DM's can actually get a chance to play, and some players can really begin to understand just how difficult our job is sometimes, so I agreed to it.
We finished up one of the main story arcs, I took control of an NPC in the party, and let this player be the DM for a little while. Initially really nothing was too terrible, he found a couple of modules that he wanted to run to kind of get an idea of how to do so, and the first one was sort of strange but it worked out pretty good.
But there was a slight hangup on the second one.
Players need a certain amount of guidance, if you describe a scene, it is up to the players to ask questions about it and it is up to you to describe it. Generally this all works great.
My friend, on the other hand, didn't quite read enough of the module beforehand, so he sort of didn't explain enough and more or less left us in an open town with very little explanation and too few leads. So what basically happened is we tried to be detectives in a town infected with some kind of weird fungus parasite, it was time sensitive, we didn't know that, and it turned out to be a murder-hobo slugfest when it was never actually intended to be that way.
An important take away from that one, one of which I spoke to him about in detail, is that the party had three fighters and a bard. The character that I chose was one of the fighters, and it would've honestly worked way better if I had played a mage of some kind. Knowing the way the module was written, he made no attempt to dissuade me from using that character. I explained that to him, and he very graciously thanked me and said that he would take party composition more into consideration when he ran the next one.
We do another story arc with me, and then he takes over again, this time using a short adventure he had written himself. I used a rogue this time, as per his suggestion.
This one in particular was something of a murder mystery. We arrive in town for a wedding to which we were all invited and at about the same time there is a tournament happening.
We arrive in the town, everybody is talking about the tournament. DM asks us if we're going to inquire about it, and no one replies. He asks if anyone wants to enter and we each decline in turn, as our characters are ill-suited or disqualified in some way. The wedding is getting ready to happen, and everybody is still talking about the tournament. The wedding banquet opens up, with everybody continuing to talk about the tournament, and finally I flat out ask if the tournament is actually important to this particular plot. He says it isn't really, it's just a B plot to "get more milage". Wonderful.
Just then the bride collapses, we are all deputized to investigate it, and are then left to our own devices.
So we start talking to people, and we try to get as much info as possible, but unfortunately due to a combination of bad rolls and the characters we were playing, we weren't getting anywhere.
We had a paladin, two fighters, a rogue, and an oracle. Not a single one of us had enough points in investigative skills or diplomacy.
How far do you actually think we got with this inside the span of a few hours?
So finally the DM capitulates and kind of throws a half-assed Scooby Doo ending at us to try to get some kind of resolution, and it really doesn't make any sense, focusing primarily on two characters we never encountered at all and the only character to pass the most important check was the gnoll, so the way he offered this information to the party was delightfully akward. We let it go and hoped that there was something more to it than that. The DM shifted through his notes for a moment before speaking again.
"So, uh, let's go on to the tournament!"
At this point in time the fighters player simply says "no" and gets up from the table and goes to bed. Keep in mind this was well past midnight, and fighter was supposed to be up at 4 AM to go to work. The rest of us kind of agreed that it was time to wrap it up and we called it a night.
So the next day I talk to my roommate (the fighters player) and find out that he called out of work because he was violently ill. The reason he needed to go to bed early is because he is hypoglycemic and if his blood sugar isn't controlled in the morning probably because he stayed up too late and slept in more than he should've, he gets mega violently ill. When I came home from work, he was still in a bad way, so I asked him why he didn't duck out earlier.
My roommate then told me that the DM had been borderline harassing him all week about playing and staying awake to play because he was "needed" for the session, because of the goddamn tournament that no one wanted to enter.
So the DM had made an earnest effort to try to include something for everyone, put way too much effort into one particular event that absolutely none of us even wanted to participate, and tried to railroad the one player that could do the event into participating to the detriment of that players own health.
An important thing to note is that during the session where we were doing the investigation, my roommate's character didn't do a single thing, mostly because it was outside of his specialty. He was up way later than he should've been, sitting in on a game, not doing a single thing, except say "no" five hours in.
So I tried talking to the DM, but he said he wants to at least do the tournament before handing the game back over to me. I told him we were going to vote on it, but not to expect that anybody would want to go ahead with it. I'm sure that it hurt his feelings, but at this point in time I just need to put my foot down. At the time of this writing we haven't had a session yet where we could call the vote.

I need help deciding if this is the right text to send to my pwBPD to save the relationship. Text is at the bottom.
Context: My pwBPD is the love of my life. We’ve been together for 6 years. The last two have been really rough.
Also, she’s married. She’s always told me they live like roommates, have no interaction except when they visit friends, are not intimate in any way and that he sort of knows, but it’s like a don’t ask don’t tell situation. We’ve always planned to move in together and have a life together.
Her husband found out a couple days ago. She broke up with me. I went over to her place to talk to her. She decided she wanted to be with me and that her husband made her send the text. They talked and are going to divorce. She said he would reconcile, but she wants to be with me. One of our issues is that she is very very avoidant and does not prioritize time with me.
We’ve been talking since and things seemed to be better. She seemed happier, more vulnerable, less avoidant. We were getting ready to plan her move in.
Last night she told me she had to cut our time short today for a work thing that she may have been able to move. I was disappointed and told her that it felt like I wasn’t a priority. I qualified it and told her it could just be my feelings, but then she started to get mean and defensive. Then I told her that hurt me, and it got worse. I asked her if she was afraid and wanted reassurance and she said ‘No’. Then got sort of mean. We ended the call and said goodnight shortly after. We had couples counseling scheduled for today. She wasn’t even that bad on the call.
Today I woke up to a text telling me she wouldn’t be able to do breakfast. I asked her if she wanted to share her feelings so I could reassure her instead of her hiding or testing.
An hour later she sent me a breakup text. Told me she was going to sell her business when she could and move to another state. She said her husband agreed to let her stay until she figures things out. Explained a bunch of things going on with her business that would mean we couldn’t spend much time. Said she was tired of hurting me. Said that it was a mistake for us to think we could move in together. Said she couldn’t stand the idea of not being able to run away when things got hard. A lot of self deprecation. She also said a lot of nice things about me. Said that she had lied to and hurt both her husband and I in different ways. She told me not to contact her or come to her house. She told our couples therapist she said that to prove it wasn’t a test.
She’s done this many times before, but this feels different because of what’s going on with her husband. We were just planning things. She seemed almost excited to move in with me.
I always try to be understanding and kind, but sometimes I slip up. It just feels like she is very sensitive right now because of everything.
This is what I want to send her:
“I love you so much. You are the most important person in the world to me, and being with you brings me so much happiness. You make my life better. I know you may doubt that, but it's true. I believe in you and in us. We both have areas to grow in, and I know we can learn to handle things better together. I have plenty I need to change too. A life with me isn’t a fantasy, it can be a reality. I know that deep down, when you're in a wise state of mind, you see that too. I know it feels impossible through everything you're feeling right now. We have been getting better and the last few days and conversations have been great. I'm sorry and I love you.
I feel horrible about how I failed to reassure and support you last night. I also feel like my response to your text this morning may have sounded mean when I meant it to sound soft and welcoming. Please call me tonight after you put Ms. ******* down. Even if you're still certain of your decision and just want me to move on, having a conversation for closure will help me do that. Even if it's the last time and all I get to do is apologize, tell you I love you on the phone one more time and say goodbye. Even if you just sit on the phone in silence while I talk. I’ll understand if you still want to end things.
This was a wake-up call for me. I need to do more to reassure you in moments when you're dealing with a lot, whether you ask for it or not. I also need to be more understanding about (her business) and the effort you’re making. I promise I will be. I know I'm still one of your top priorities, but right now (her business) will be in the way, and that's okay. Give me a chance to be better and prove I can be more supportive and understanding.
I know you feel these fears deeply and believe ending things is the only way to stop hurting me. But I want to reassure you that we can change. I believe in you and in us. Things may be hard for a bit and messy, but we will figure them out together. I'm here for you. Even if you don’t want to move in with me, or we get less time, or there are issues with your husband, it's okay. We will work them out together.
I understand you're feeling an incredible amount of fear and shame right now. I know your insides are screaming at you to run and hide, that I’ll leave you if we try to make it work, that all you will do is hurt me, and that you will never change. You are going through an incredibly tough situation trying to balance (her business), moving in, the divorce, and your relationship with your friends. I know that makes everything so much harder. I’m here for you. Last night I should have reassured you and been more understanding. I'm sorry I wasn’t. I'm going to work on being better at that from now on.
I understand you're afraid that dedicating so much time to (her business) means I’ll feel like I’m not a priority and leave. I understand why you have that impression. I want you to know I hear you about (her business) and understand we’ll get less time together because you need to attend to that. I still love you, want to be with you, and we can make it work, even if it’s only bits of time here and there. Last night I really was just communicating my own insecurity about whether you still love me and want this. I should have been more gentle, I’ll be better.
I really hope you'll give me a chance to prove to you that I can be better and we can make this work, but I understand if you can't. I know you're in a lot of pain. Either way, a call would mean everything to me.”

Normally (at least from what I've read) an apparently popular belief when considering this scenario is to represent the Potter family dynamic as: James/Sirius is the fun/relaxed/permissive and sometimes even irresponsible father and godfather, while Lily is represented as the strict mother who must put order
But I don't really agree with this, and I think that in reality they would BOTH be fun/relaxed parents and Harry and his siblings would be the center of their world, but they would also always be looking out for Harry's safety and well-being and therefore I don't think they would encourage him to do many reckless things, as people often seem to believe, especially talking about James and Sirius.
I believe this mainly because of Lily's letter

Dear Padfoot, Thank you, thank you, for Harry’s birthday present! It was his favorite by far. One year old and already zooming along on a toy broomstick, he looked so pleased with himself. I’m enclosing a picture so you can see. You know it only rises about two feet o↵ the ground but he nearly killed the cat and he smashed a horrible vase Petunia sent me for Christmas (no complaints there). Of course James thought it was so funny, says he’s going to be a great Quidditch player, but we’ve had to pack away all the ornaments and make sure we don’t take our eyes off him when he gets going.

And the photo

At last, lying facedown on the floor, he spotted what looked like a torn piece of paper under the chest of drawers. When he pulled it out, it proved to be most of the photograph that Lily had described in her letter. A black-haired baby was zooming in and out of the picture on a tiny broom, roaring with laughter, and a pair of legs that must have belonged to James was chasing after him.

It seems like the paternal instincts of both of them came out strongly when Harry was born and that translated into loving him and protecting him to the limit (which is confirmed by their sacrifices) and that is why I think they pampered him a lot but I don't think anyone wants to talk to him about James' bully phase (because I don't know any parents who like to remember those phases of their life), they would probably tell him about the more harmless parts, like exploring the castle to create the marauder's map and escape to Hogsmeade through the secret passages, but for anyone more extreme or dangerous than that, I think they would take Sirius' attitude in canon.
I also think that they instilled in him to be a good person, that is: No racism against Muggleborns and I think in general no type of discrimination considering that James was friends with Remus and Peter. A social outcast and someone who definitely doesn't fit the standards for being popular (although perhaps they instill in him a hatred for the dark arts, blood supremacy and anyone who defends those ideas)
And I think overall he could have the best of both, I mean, James' self-confidence but without being arrogant in an unpleasant way and being more charming like Lily, also with the help of both parents being talented wizards, It is likely that his grades could be better because instead of having to do his homework secretly in the sheets at 2 in the morning at his abusive uncles' house, he could do it quietly at home and ask his parents for advice on anything he needed
Obviously, it depends on what scenario we're talking about where they survived to raise harry but in case it's one where voldemort comes back and the order of the phoenix reconvenes, and they meet Molly I'm not sure they would really get along well.
I mention this because I have seen many fans who want to portray Lily as practically a Molly 2.0, but honestly, I see Molly as a much more traditional mother while I don't see Lily that way, so I'm not sure they agree in the way children should be raised and honestly whether they get along or not I think it depends on whether Molly can moderate her opinions and not get too involved in Harry's upbringing
Lily is not a person who reacts well when she feels attacked or hurt.

…I'm sorry, Tuney, I'm sorry! Listen – ”She caught her sister's hand and held it tight, even though Petunia tried to pull it away. “Maybe once I’m there – no, listen, Tuney! Maybe once I'm there, I'll be able to go to Professor Dumbledore and persuade him to change his mind!
“I don’t – want – to – go!” said Petunia, and she dragged her hand back out of her sister's grasp of her. “You think I want to go to some stupid castle and learn to be a – a…”
Her pale eyes roved over the platform, over the cats mewling in their owners' arms, over the owls, fluttering and hooting at each other in cages, over the students, some already in their long black robes, loading trunks onto the scarlet steam engine or else greeting one another with glad cries after a summer apart.
“ – you think I want to be a – a freak?”
Lily's eyes filled with tears as Petunia succeeded in tugging her hand away from her.
“I'm not a freak,” said Lily. “That's a horrible thing to say.”
“That's where you're going,” said Petunia with relish. “A special school for freaks. You and that Snape boy…weirdos, that's what you two are. It's good you're being separated from normal people. It’s for our safety.”
Lily glanced toward her parents, who were looking around the platform with an air of wholehearted enjoyment, drinking in the scene. Then she looked back at her sister, and her voice was low and fierce.
“You didn't think it was such a freak's school when you wrote to the headmaster and begged him to take you.”
Petunia turned scarlet.

or

I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!'
Lily blinked.
'Fine,' she said coolly. 'I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.'

or when she feels that someone is trying to impose something on her

“They don't use Dark Magic, though.” She dropped her voice. ”And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there – “
Snape’s whole face contorted and he spluttered, “Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends too! “You’re not going to – I won’t let you – ”
"Let me? Let me?"
Lily's bright green eyes were slits. Snape backtracked at eleven.

So I think if Molly goes into her controlling mode and tries to impose some kind of parenting on Harry and his potential siblings I see Lily fully capable of telling her to mind her own business (although I personally don't think it will happen, I think Molly is capable of recognizing the limits with non-orphan children or at least I hope so)

I know this is very much a first world problem, but I’ve just got to rant a minute. My mother loves shoes. I do not care about shoes. I have three pairs of shoes that I ever wear. My tennis shoes that I just wear out and about. My house shoes that I wear in the house. And then my dress shoes that I wear to formal events. The other seven-ish pairs of shoes sitting on my floor have hardly even been worn, but my mother insists I need more, particularly on gift-giving holidays like my birthday and Christmas.
Mom: What do you want for your birthday? Shoes?
Me: I don’t care…except PLEASE not shoes! I’ve got ten pairs of shoes you’ve given me over the years…and I only wear two of them and don’t know where to put all the others!
My birthday comes around, and guess what? Another pair of shoes I’ll never wear! 😅
Come on, be a little more creative. Heck, give me a gift card to Walmart or Amazon. I can buy my own shoes there…but I won’t. I’ll spend it on something more interesting like a new sauté pan or fancy coffee or something. Literally anything but shoes. Shoes are a necessity, not a luxury. I couldn’t care less about a new pair of shoes as long as the ones I already have keep my feet warm and keep me from stepping on rocks.
I think maybe this is just a “woman thing.” Women love shoes. Men don’t care. Which is why I guess my mom always gives me shoes. I don’t know where she keeps all her hundreds of shoes though. I keep mine on my bedroom floor, and they keep piling up so much that I don’t know where I’m going to put the new pair I get for my next birthday. They’re about to block my bathroom door.

Religion good you say?
Anarchism is a political theory that postulates that authority, coercion, and subjugation are unnecessary, harmful, and wrong.
Why does this not include supernatural forms of authority and so-called gods? Why would it be OK to submit to the authority of God, Allah, Yahweh and so on, but not men? And what do you do when someone comes along and convincingly argues that they are the chosen representatives of that deity, as they always do? What rationale do you have that invalidates the authority of prophets and preachers but not the authority of the deities they claim to represent?
In order for something to be called a religion it needs a standardised set of core beliefs--tenets, principles, rituals and so on--and that can only exist by way of enforcement and/or indoctrination. Without a fairly rigid dogmatic core then religion is something so disparate and personal that it's hard to say what a religion even is much less assign it a moral weighting of good or bad. A non-hierarchical, non-dogmatic, entirely decentralised religion is functionally indistinguishable from any given child's belief in magic.
Ultimately, all evidence points to the conclusion that religious belief is a man-made creation. Submitting yourself to a doctrinal belief system is just a roundabout way of submitting yourself to the will of other people. It is incongruent with anarchism as an ideology and as a moral, political, social, and ethical framework. Even if there were not centuries upon centuries upon centuries of recorded history that all unanimously scream out in massive, blood-red letters that RELIGION IS BAD then I don't see how you could possibly justify saying otherwise, other than that you maybe think some of the things Jesus said were pretty cool, or you think it's very rude to tell people they have no evidence for the things they believe.
Religion bad.

Kruger Kayla

· Don’t give up usually the miracle happensAfter things get so tough that we think but then remember why we started I didn’t come this far to go this far I didn’t survive , child sexual abuse, human trafficking, herion , fetynal, meth , pills addiction, car crashes / high speed chases, 3 overdoses,in and outta jail 4 years total , being beat up head shaved , ex’s who beat and used and abused me to benefit only them ,trama , tried to kill me, hospitals, mental institutions ,Melosing my son at 23 and him 3 then to lose his father whom died over drug overdose and who I dated for8 years ) loosing my grandma who raised me to grade 9 ,( only mother figure I ever known) foster cares from grade 9-12 , shelters for abused women and kids for years in and out, rehabs x5, abandonment issues fromNot growing up without BOTH parents, being bullied my whole life And bashed all over google .. having my whole addiction posted and mocked ALL over the BC news and o ratio news sites and websites and then bashed all over Facebook , dirty etc.. also I’m now raising a child who when I found out I was pregnant was in Toronto being trafficked and beat, guns held to my head on the daily , shot up right drugs in my sleep. When I found out I was pregnant was on 55 mls methadone and I went to Toronto hospital and stayed 3 weeks of hell , feeling like I was gonna die from withdrawal so she wouldn’t be born addicted cuz that’s the kinda women iam. Nurse says in 30 year career she’s never seen someone follow through but I did … I’m without a license or any help fromAnyone really !!! these past 3 and some years all while slowly weening of methadone down half my dose im one yearAnd it’s not easy also keeping up with all these different socialMedia accounts, and doing cannabis influencing etc cannabis cures saving me while I get off this crap seriously way better than any pill or drug Paired with healthy food and exercise all while trying to make content and share my life and be realAnd to be honest and it’s Lonley ASF but I’m learning so much about myself , when you get clean, it’s not easy or everyone would do it learning to live again and find the things I like.. but most my attention,money, energy is spent on my kid.. but I’d DO anything to get us in a better position in life ..I wasted10 years that just flew by on dating loserMenAnd doing so much drugs and booze .. these past 3+ years I swear, I been made as an easy target , because I’m so new In sobriety and don’t drive or have much right now cuz I can’t work like I’m used too and many have been so rude and toookadvantage talked a lot of and hate when they see me yell out windows calling me names despite never actually meeting me .. but I won’t give them the satisfaction hell no … I’m out here and I’m a warrior built like they don’t makeMany of.. loyal to those who are to me .. show love to allWho have never judged or gave upAnd either motivated me or helped me with their words heck even my haters y’all help me so much thank you for making me famous in lindsay lol but ya girl had a taste nowShe want it ALLAnd by any meansI fit necessarily I will get to the top and as long as I have my kids and I stay clean and sober she good choices imma be Good … ASF duhhh obviously feeling super blessed super greatful and humble and I pray for those who wish me harmAnd whom are talkin my name and because y’all got issues too that’s why you so quick to point the finger at my flaws … well girl for once in my life I’m legit. Sober and clean I have everything I need technically that I can handle right now but this mama is on fire and there’s not a damn thing y’all can do bout it imma keep winning Kruger Kayla

A few weeks ago (like I said: QUICKLY falling in love lol) I matched with this guy on a dating app. Our first date was honestly one of the best nights/days of my life. I wish I could relive it. I’d been online dating for about a month at that point and although I’d found plenty of men I clicked with, I never felt truly comfortable around any of them and was never able to have sex because I’d get too tense/dry and it hurt really bad, so much so that I thought it might have been vaginismus and seriously considered seeking medical intervention. But this guy was super patient with me and I was so attracted to him that it finally worked. It was the first time in all my life that I’ve ever actually liked having sex. And every time we’ve been together since that first date has been good. We decided to be exclusive a couple weeks in, which isn’t that long but we’d had five dates by then, and spent the night together for all but one of them. And since then we’ve always spent the night after every date. I come over to his apartment and we fall into a routine. I put my backpack on the same chair every time I arrive. We get ready for bed and wake up in the morning and it all feels very natural to me. That's how it feels being with him - natural, easy. It's hard to find someone who makes me feel at ease. I'm as happy with him as I am when I'm alone, and I really like being alone.
Yet I'd assumed from the start that this couldn’t possibly be a long-term thing. For one, he is much older than me. He’s 35, meanwhile I’m 21. He isn't preying on me. I'm an adult, I know what I'm doing. It's just that he’s a bit immature for his age (not in a bad way exactly, but let’s just say I can definitely see why he couldn’t get a woman his own age to fall for him), meanwhile I’m somewhat mature for my age. Ever since I was a teenager, I've never been able to date anyone who was less than 3-4 years older than me. So in a way we're kind of on the same level there. Even so, our relationship is still far from perfect. Like I said, he can’t get a girlfriend his own age because he still has a lot of growing up to do, as he himself would probably admit. And I don’t know if dating a 21-year-old is going to help him with that. Kind of related to the age gap: He wants kids, and I definitely do not. He probably doesn't want to put it off for much longer, meanwhile if I do eventually decide to have kids it won't be for many years. Also, he watches porn, and while there’s nothing wrong with that necessarily, I personally don’t want to date a guy who watches porn while we’re in a relationship. I know that’s kind of contentious and maybe some would call it an unrealistic standard. And to be fair, I would never demand that he quit watching porn. I just wish I could have fallen for someone who doesn’t even watch it to begin with, or who stops watching it while they’re in a relationship with me. But I know he’s not gonna do that.
In general he just gets on my nerves a lot and sometimes he says the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my life. And most of all, I don’t believe he really quite understands me. Maybe this will change over time, but I doubt it. He doesn’t make much of an effort. He doesn’t ask me many questions and doesn’t always take any interest when I try to tell him about my life and my inner world.
I believe these are all perfectly fair reasons to break up with him. Yet despite all this, and despite only having known him for a few weeks, rather than wanting to break up, I find myself falling in love with him. I feel this kind of unfolding inside my chest when I look at him. I remember things he says to me and think about them all day long. I want him so bad, I can’t even think of anyone else in a sexual way. He is literally the only person I’m physically attracted to right now. Even though I suspect he doesn’t feel the same - maybe he’s too old/experienced, or maybe he just doesn’t have that type of personality. I can see he likes me a lot, but sometimes I’ll let slip some hint of just how absolutely down bad I am, and I don’t get the sense that he feels the same, at least not yet.
Before I started falling for him, I thought I could just ride it out, have some fun, see where it goes, and not take any premature action. Given our compatibility issues, I assumed we’d just fizzle, or have an argument and decide to end it right there. And maybe that could still happen. But we’ve had plenty of disagreements and we’re still solid. I just feel good when I’m around him. I don’t like it when he’s away. And when we are together, I don’t like it when he isn’t touching me or talking to me or looking at me. There are many reasons why I shouldn’t be with him but none of these matter to me when we're together.
I just don't know what I should do. Break it off before I fall in love with him to avoid a more painful breakup somewhere down the road? Or stick with it and accept that our relationship will have all these issues? Will avoiding the potential for future pain be worth ending something that feels so right? And if I choose to stay, will being with a man who feels right be worth so much trouble?
Basically it comes down to emotions vs. reason, as it always does lol. I can plan out how I'm going to break up with him (if I decide to break up with him), but I don't know if I could bring myself to do it if I was actually in a room with him, looking at his face. I'm sure if I did, the pain would go away soon enough; our relationship was brief, I'm very young, and there are many other fish in the sea. But I'd also feel a lot of regret and I don't want that weighing on me.
Another reason to stay with him that I shouldn't be too quick to discount is something my mom said when I went to her for advice: You'll never find a man who checks off every single box. You'll never find a man who is both age-appropriate, intelligent, curious, caring, reasonably handsome, clean, sexually compatible, AND on the exact same page as me in terms of work/religion/kids/marriage/etc. And even if I were to find a man who meets these standards, there's no telling whether we'd really vibe with each other the way I vibe with my current boyfriend. Sure he only checks off 4, maybe 5 of those boxes, but the vibes are off the charts. The chemistry is perfect. Maybe I should "settle," for now, and be happy with what I have until we're forced apart by our differences, which I'm sure we eventually will be.
Idk. What are you supposed to do in these situations?

My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) have been dating for 5 years. Early on in the relationship I was worried she was putting herself in situations that were unacceptable. I addressed this and we set boundaries about what was considered cheating and inappropriate behavior and I had thought that was the end of it and things were set in place for both of us to follow as we didn’t want to hurt each other. We’ve spent time living with each other for a while now and that has built a lot of trust in our relationship where I don't have to worry about spending time apart when necessary. For the most part I’ve felt secure and trusted her during our time living together.
Let’s jump to the issue now, she recently attended a bachelorette party of one of her close friends she’s known longer than me. The party consisted of many of these friends. They decided to travel to a coastal country in Europe. We had a brief conversation before to reestablish boundaries. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want me doing and don’t let your friends convince you into doing something that you’ll regret.
They spent a week out there going to the beach, bars, and dinner. Contact with her was very limited, we didn’t talk that much which I get since she was basically on vacation but it was weird cause she said previous to leaving that we’ll talk every day whether that was text or phone. The first day we exchanged a few texts. Nothing much of substance. The second day we barely texted at all but we had a phone call and I could sense when she was telling me about her day that she was being really vague. I acted normal and went about my day but it made me think. This continued on till she returned.
When she got back I decided to confront her and ask her what’s going on. Initially she said nothing is going on so I pressed the issue and said that I knew. She broke down and said that she got a lap dance from a guy. When it happened she said no and didn’t want one but her friends just cheered the dancer on. She did nothing to stand firm in her decision so she got a dance. I feel like I’ve been clear on expectations with our relationship that she also said she shares so this is inappropriate in our relationship.
What bothers me about this whole situation is that we are supposed to go to their wedding and now I am unsure about attending since they seem to be actively going against our relationship instead of stepping in to help her when this happened. As for her she should have been more vocal about saying no and standing her ground. The whole thing could’ve gone differently.
Our last conversation has me questioning why she let that happen, then didn’t tell me, lied to me when I asked, and only admitted when I said I know. Did she only admit to the dance but in reality there is more to this and she regrets it? I can’t be 100% sure and what she tells me is what I have to work with. I don’t by any means want to break up but I still have an uneasy feeling. She’s proposed changes like canceling any future plans to attend any bachelorette parties with these friends, traveling less to work on us, and not attending the wedding. I don't know if I want to do this as it will cause drama among her family/friends and it will cause her and everyone in her life to resent me. I will certainly be judged as the bad guy regardless of her actions.
Either way my trust is broken. I don’t want to break up but I also feel like I can’t trust her to make the right decision and remove herself from situations like that, something she has promised to do more aggressively after our conversation. I want to work things out if this is the only thing that happened. She asked me multiple times to just give her a chance to prove she can respect this boundary and I want to. I want to believe her and make this work but I also don’t want to be some doormat that lets things like this slide. I’m conflicted about it and I don’t know what to do at this point. What should I do?

I’m just having a tough time, honestly. Let’s vent.
My focal dystonia isn’t responsive to meds or Botox, but I’m giving Botox a 6th try with a new doctor this week. I’ve had dystonia since I was a teenager, and we think it could be genetic on my dad’s side (he has something similar, not exactly), but I’ve tested negative for the big genes we know of.
I live a relatively normal life. I weight train when I can, I switched to my left hand for writing and daily tasks when my tremor kicks in (mascara, eyeliner, etc), and so on. I like to think I’ve adapted to it as best I can, despite the pain and discomfort.
I would’ve loved to be a nurse, but know I can’t because the dystonia/tremors would mess with my ability to give shots/deal with needles/etc and since it’s not responding to anything, that’s just a lost cause. I’m fortunate to work somewhere that I type all the time and don’t do much writing or fine motor movements, but giving up what I actually wanted to do with my life wasn’t exactly easy.
Dating has also proven to be an incredibly difficult thing with this. I have been turned down numerous times by guys I have seen a few times when I tell them about the dystonia. Why? Here are their reasons:

1. “You might give it to a child. What if they can’t write with their other hand or deal with the pain? It’s not fair to have kids knowing it could be genetic.” (This is the biggest one. This one hurts more than any of the other reasons. I like to think my life isn’t defined or made worthless by a disability, just like my child’s wouldn’t be. It’s also a hypothetical.)
   
2. “There are too many unknowns with treatments.“ (when we discussed what happens if Botox doesn’t work again, which is DBS discussions)
   
3. “It’s just a lot to deal with.”
   

How do I not struggle mentally with this? How do y’all get through the days where you just feel awful about everything and like there’s not really any reprieve in sight?

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give
us a general description of yourself. I prevere kiting my age and gender private
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
I maybe have adhd but I'm not sure, but I don't think it has a big impact
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
I'm in a religious family, but I'm still learning from that religion, and I'm not fully prepared to follow it. I need more time
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I'm still a student and I'm studying economics and financials no i don't like school
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I will feel extremely refreshing and un peace. i would love to
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I like doing martial arts
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas than you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
I'm very curious about many things
I have many ideas, but it's mostly for fun. When I get an idea, I immediately know if I'm gonna execute it or just think about it for fun?
My ideas can be very simple and sometimes not at all the most of things I take an interest in
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
No, I'm a lone wolf But yes, I do think I make a good leader My leadership style would be pretty chill do what you want as long as result are coming I give everyone independent and care about people well being but I also strive to productive
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
I'm not coordinated at all. I often hit myself against something or hit something and accept break things
I like using my hands on many things Activities I do martial arts I like making jewelry even if I'm not the best at it, and I also like bow shooting
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particularly artistic but can appreciate art, please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
I like making paintings but I'm not really good at it but I still can enjoy other paintings and art I can enjoy all kinds of paintings and music I just don't like poetry
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
Past = useless. You can't change anything at all, so it's better not to stay stuck in it. i would eventually forget everyone, but I do like history, and I can be nostalgic
Present = it can be fun and boring and annoying. Still, I think not enough people focus on it all the problem you need to solve are in the present and if you don't got problems then just enjoy I don't get people who will think about past mistakes or future problems when they is nothing to worry about in the present it almost give the impression that those people want to be miserable Short said not enough people think of the present in my opinion
Future = unpredictable intriguing, yet I prevere letting the future for the future whatever is happening is not my business right now
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I would think of why they need my help and what I can do to help them
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Jes, it hurts my head when their is no logic
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Very important, but self health comes first physically and mentally
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
No, I don't control others even if I try. I am bad at it
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
I already have described wat kinde of activities I like
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
Very adaptive I can learn different things in different ways and learning style but my teacher say I should learn more my theories and I should also learn things more by heart still struggling on that part
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
My strateging is bad as hell, and I'm more of an improviser
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
Becoming rich and better at communication and better organizer
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why? Deadt pain exams test and school
• What do the "highs" in your life look like?
Having good grades and not too much work for school
• What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Having bad grades and much to do for school
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
99% of the time I daydream no I'm not aware but this last time I'm starting to daydream less and also be more aware of my senrrounding still need to go a long way to stop daydreaming to much and need to improve my focus on my surroundings
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about it?
I'm a prisoner?
No Then I probably rest enjoying the peace and silent
Yes Try to think of a way out try to find the door find no door try to call for help get on my phone if something answers explain the situation than wait for that person to come so i get on my phone playing games not capable to call for someone try to Hit the wall try to think of others way to get out don't find any give up realize I'm tired go to sleep a bit and try again when I wake up this wall can't resist me for ever i will get out one way or a other
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
The needed time some desicion I think longer other less time. Yes, I can change my mind if it's shown that my decision wasn't the right one. If not, I won't change it
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
Not long I don't have complex emotions I can deal with my emotions in a peaceful way and I know it's important for my mental well-being I now when I can express emotions and share them and I also know when i have to keep them for myself
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
I tend to agree with people who are right, or I'm too tired to start a debate/argument
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I don't often break the rules authority should be challeng and but in their rights places cause to many of them are stupid idiots but it's not my responsibility do that I prevere to chill and I only break rules if I know their will be no consequences

Hi, I just wanted to come on here and just let myself ramble on a bit about my own personal experience with my ex girlfriend and what happened between us. Also briefly about how I’m dealing with it.
So a little over 2 months ago my gf and I were doing good. I felt happy in the relationship and while my anxiety was still high considering it was still a fairly new relationship I never let it cloud my judgement of how to behave in that relationship. Never questioned her to her face and always had enough faith to believe that she was 100% committed to me. But I did always feel like something was up. Little things like never allowing me in her dorm room because her roommate “hates guests” and calling me her friend to someone after we had been together for 3 weeks at that point. I chose to look past every little thing like that because I truly did (at the time) love her at lot. She was very cool and really meant the world to me!
I kept this up until one week I got the weirdest vibe and couldn’t shake that something was truly changing. She was texting me less which is fine because I don’t require a lot of attention. The days that we barely talked never bothered me because it’s her life and she’s not obligated to make sure I’m given her undivided attention at all times. But this week felt different almost. Her cute good night texts went away and she didn’t even say that she missed me at all. Then when the day came for us to hang out I asked if we were still doing anything and if I could come up to see her. Mind you she lived about 50 minutes away from me so making plans was always tough. I texted her and it took a little bit for her to get back to me and she responded saying that her friend was pregnant and that she needed to stay with her to figure everything out with her and she was so sorry. I was rightfully bummed out considering we only saw each other once a week but I suggested we should just reschedule with a FaceTime on Friday. She seemed to be happy with that and we planned that instead. I felt better and went on with my week. Friday rolls around and I texted her saying I needed to tell her something really important on FaceTime and I hope that’s still on. She leaves me on read and says nothing to me for the rest of the night. She did text me at 2am saying she was so sorry but I just looked past the obvious fact she didn’t want to do it (lying by saying she fell asleep) and ask if I can come up to see her. By the time I responded it’s the next morning and we always said good morning to each other. So I send my good morning text and ask about a potential hangout/visit and she leaves me on read once again. Now I’m freaking out.
Some background as to why I was freaking out. I had seen and knew she lied to people so she wouldn’t have to go do stuff. She started to do this shit to me and I wasn’t happy with it. Actually the week before she had lied to me by saying she fell asleep to avoid talking on the phone with me. I knew she was lying because I saw her active on instagram all night. I didn’t say anything in the moment but looking back I really should’ve stood my ground and said something. Also one night when we were hanging out a girl asked her to get dinner sometime soon and she told her she was too busy all the while telling me she really didn’t want to and that she always canceled on her. Safe to say when you see it first hand it’s easy to believe it’s happening to you.
Alright back to my shit. So after she leaves me on read I sent a big long text expressing my concerns and that I’m worried maybe the relationship was going to potentially dissolve. She texted back saying that she tends to isolate under stress and that she was just becoming super busy with school. I believed it until for the rest of the month she was SUPER distant with me. Never texting me first and no longer sending me cute TikToks. Even at her busiest in the beginning she made time for me. I thought I had done something so horrible after that. I had assumed I had ruined our relationship and I was just insecure and I was being too clingy. Looking back, I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. The worst thing I ever did was double text in that moment but when you lie to get out of stuff and leave me on read when I ask to hangout. Yeah, that’s the bigger problem here. I talked to my sister about it and she said that her reason to cancel made no sense, she lies too much, and that I wasn’t clingy or a problem. And I’ll be the first to say that my sister criticizes me on everything I do. So seeing her take my side really makes me feel better about the whole thing.
So after about a month of her being distant, one of my coworkers told me to do a loyalty test on her. And guess what, she failed. He messaged her on snap and it wasn’t good. Telling him she was single and that she could Netflix and chill with him that Saturday. At that moment I knew it was over. No saving that shit, I was done for. I called her and I couldn’t tell her I was done. I lied and made up some story about something happening at work. With her being so distant from me, I lost all of my self-respect and couldn’t walk away. It hurt so bad knowing I couldn’t do it. It did end that night thankfully. My coworker eventually told her that he knew me and that she shouldn’t be fucking up her relationship like this. Her response was the most heart breaking part. She told him that she didn’t care and then blocked him and me on everything. Not a goodbye or anything. Gone. Like I never existed.
I eventually got in contact with one of her exs and she told me that my ex also got really distant with her too and she broke it off for that exact reason. This is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through because unfortunately this was my first ever relationship. I’ve never had a girlfriend before her and for her to do that just put salt into the wound a little more.
I’ve dealt with this whole thing by looking forward and realize that no one deserves something like this. I’m looking towards the future and never hoping she would come back. I do miss her just a little bit but I’m missing who I thought I knew. I don’t regret anything about the relationship and I’m glad I gained some experience for the next person I meet.
Sorry this is a lot. It’s been over a month since we broke up but I still feel a little gross about the whole situation. Feel free to ask questions if you have any :)

Not finished yet but nearly done just need to know if it's decent.
Spider-Man VS The Punisher
A man walking his footsteps sounds like mini explosions as a row of computers with people typing on them. The man stops upon a window looking down to a glass cage with yellow electricity emerging from it.
“He's here, he's taking us all out. We need back up. Noooo.” The man looks at one of the scientists saying “wait for him to get here.” The man cleans up his suit and tightens his tie.
“Ohhh you're getting dressed up just for me. I shoulda brought flowers.” The man looks up where he sees a man in a red and blue webbed suit. “I should have killed you years ago. Well after today you will be.” “We both know that's not going to happen Willy. I'll arrest you and you'll escape, Rinse and repeat, it's always been like that.” The man grinds his teeth and grips his hands. “Unleash him.” the scientist looks at him and then at the computer pressing a button.
“Unleash him Fisk are you cheating on me with another hero.” as he says this a bolt of lightning strikes through the glass levitating in front of him. “You must be Spiderman. I'm electro, the man that's been tasked to kill you.” Spider-Man whispers to himself. “This guy's making my spider sense go crazy. I don't think this will go well.” he coughs then says. “Shouldn't you be at the circus.” Electro looks at Fisk and says “Leave Mister Fisk now.” Fisk and the scientists walk out into an elevator. “Don't disappoint me Max.” The elevator goes up with Spider-Man and Electro looking at each other “So electricity man are we gonna start.” He looks down to his hands where they start to glow brighter with electricity shooting out. BANG electricity shoots out his hand Spider-Man just dodging it. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG Spider-Man narrowly dodges the bolts. He creates a continuous line of lightning towards Spider-Man. Cracking Peter tries to dodge it but fails on the ground Peter feels his muscles shut down. Electro walks over to him, shocking him again. “Ahhhhhhh.” He stops Spider-Man trying to crawl away BANG “AHHHHHH.” An alarm goes off as sprinklers also go off hitting Electro causing him to grunt.
Spider-Man using this crawls up a wall into a vent leaving the building Spider-Man takes off his mask feeling the rain hit his face. He hears Fisk talking to Electro below. “Is the job done.” “No, he escaped. The sprinklers set off burning my skin.” “You let him escape. I gave you one job and failed me." Electro looks at him sternly saying “Mister Fisk you gave me these powers and you want me to kill Peter I will. You know where he lives, I can go over there and kill him and his family.” “You will do no such thing. He will not try to kill us if we just go after him he won't understand.” Electro nods and walks away with an umbrella.
Spider-Man looks at his web shooters. “Great, they're gonna have to get the train. May's gonna kill me when I get back.”
Brooklyn, New York, 21:32
“PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. I HAVE A FAMILY LOOK. PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING. WHAT DO YOU WANT MONEY, POWER.” A man shouts breaking down in fear of whoever is trying to kill him. “I want to know why you do it. Why commit crime when there's hundreds of heroes. I think I know why though. They won't kill, they won't just take the godam leap and end you scumbags. So I chose to do it myself.” The man says in a deep voice wrapping a cord around his neck. He picks him up, showing him a fifteen floor drop. “No, no, please don't do this.” He starts to cry as looks at him blankly, throwing off the building with him screaming for about three seconds till the man hears a snap. “Good Riddens.”
Queen's, New York, 9:29 pm
Walking into a house a teenager walks in “Peter where have y- My god what happened to you?” Peter looks at his aunt and says “Some people tried to rob me, it's alright May.” “Did they take anything? Did you call the police.?” “No and no May I'm fine May.” He looks at May. “I'll call the police.” “DON'T. I never saw what they really looked like, you'll just waste their time.” She looks at him saying “From now on you'll be back before it gets dark.” Peter nods “Now Peter time for your cake Happy Eighteenth Peter.” Peter looks at a cake with candles on it. He blows them out “Thanks May I'm just gonna go to my room I've had a ruff day.” May looks at him. “Are you sure you don't want some cake I've made? It's your favourite.” “I'll have some tomorrow really.” Peter walks up to his room turning on the TV playing the daily bugle. “Today Spider-Man failed to capture this so-called Lizard. I think he's just too lazy to put in any work. When the police lose a suspect their back on the streets trying to find him but Spider-Man swip swap swoops his way down and destroys peoples properties.” Peter looks at it in a rage “People would have died if i wasn't there yet I don't get thanked but hated. Why do I do this?” He looks at the picture next to his bed of him and uncle Ben. The time when he didn't worry if Aunt May would see him tomorrow. If she'll be targeted by villains. “Ben would call me stupid for doing something like this. Even more stupid I was responsible for his death. I couldn't just tell him where I was, I just had to storm out. He goes looking for me and ends up getting shot. I'm sorry Ben.”
Manhattan, New York, 06:34
“What will it be?” “Coffee, milk and two sugars.” She turns around and the man looks at his watch as he checks the time. “06:36 still have seven.” “It's ready. Have an amazing day.” he hands her a ten and leaves. He walks to an old burned building. Walking in he goes up five floors and goes towards a sniper pointing out a window. He takes a sip of his coffee checking his watch. “06:42 one minute.” A minute later a limousine drives up to a small building. A man dressed in a white and gold suit walks. “Gotcha.” BANG, a single bullet from the sniper shoots the man in the head obliterating the back of his head. He walks away with screams of people running and people shouting. “It's him, Punisher, he's here.” Pointing their pistols in the air looking where the shot came from.
Queen's, New York, 7:45 am
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BE-. Bang Peter hits his alarm destroying it. “Uhh, great way to start the day.” Peter goes to the bathroom brushing his teeth. He leaves the bathroom getting changed into his new clothes then goes to check on his web shooters. “Thank god for the science lab.” Checking his costume he sees it burnt and destroyed. He messages MJ to ask her to bring his spare costume she's working on. He gets his bag and web shooters going downstairs. “Hey Aunt May I'm off to school.” “Not so fast, I've got some cake for you to take.” Petter goes up to May and takes it. “Thanks May love ya bye.” Peter walks out to the school bus.
On the bus he sits next to his girlfriend Mary Jane. “My god Pete what happened to you. Also you suits in my bag.” Peter looks at her saying “New villain in town calls himself Electro.” “You've got to stop doing this Peter really you're going to kill yourself. How many villains do you have?” Peter looks down and says “Well Theirs the lizard, Shocker, Electro, Fisk, Otto Octavius and sin eater. Don't forget about the small time.” She looks at him saying “God why do I put up with you.” “Because I'm irresistible.” She smirks.
A couple hours later Peter only had two lessons left. Peter in the back of his English class looked at his web shooters making sure they still aren't broken and that he fixed them during science. Peter looks at his phone where he sees a notification from the daily bugle saying that sandman is robbing a bank. “Can I go to the bathroom?” Peter shouts. “Sure Mister Parker uh just take the pass.” Peter takes it and leaves. He goes to the janitor's closet putting on his Spidey suit and web shooters jumping out of the window. He looks at his phone while swinging. “Sometimes I wish I had a GPS in my suit instead of needing to use Oscorpe maps.” He swings wondering why sandman is robbing a bank. “He's stupid but not this stupid to rob a bank, especially during the day.” He swings across Queensboro into Manhattan.
When he arrives the swat team surrounds the area with Captain Stacey on standby. Spider-Man drops down in front of him. “Hey.” Looking up Captain Stacey talks to Spider-Man. “Spider-Man good thing you're here we need your help. Sandman has taken over the bank and he has three hostages.” Spider-Man looks at him saying. “Guess you can say things are getting out of sand.” “Sure just when you go in don't destroy much will you.” “I won't captain you know me, just get your officer's to sand back.” Spider-Man does finger guns at Captain Stacey swinging in. “Everyone shut up. I'm gonna pay it off with this score.” Spider-Man slowly swings down “It's ironic that you're named Flint. You know because flint and steel create fire and fire turns you into glass.” “WHAT.” Spider-Man sighs as he launches a kick towards him. He kicks him with Spider-Man going straight through him as this happens he webs his feet and pulls causing him to fall. He goes to punch sandman but punches him through the glass into a police car. CRASH, the police start firing at him but they do nothing. “SPIDER-MAN GET UP.” Captain Stacey shouts at spider-man. Spider-man jumps in slingshotting himself into sandman. He goes straight through him knocking sandman back as well. “Stop this Flint, think of all the good you've done.” He jumps onto the wall looking at a fire hydrant. “Like you've no that won't cut it. Ok you haven't done anything good but that doesn't mean I have to kick your ass again.” Sandman gets up. “You think you can kick my ass again. Not happening.” Spider-Man sighs. “Ok.” Spider-Man jumps down and grabs the fire hydrant and pulls. CRACK, the fire hydrant breaks splashing water all over sandman. “I told you Flint, I always win.” Flint starts to turn into a pile of wet sand. Spider-Man webs the hydrant to stop the water then walks over to Flint. Barely able to keep your normal form. “Screw you.” Spider-Man looks over at the captain. “He's all your captain enjoy.” Spider-Man jumps onto the side of a swat van. “Where do you go when you finish?” “School, besides I'm only missing one class.” Peter says this jumping and swinging away. “About ten minutes getting there. HEY I'M SWINGING HERE. Five minutes there and ten back is enough to miss english.”
Last lesson goes pretty boring for Peter. He's thinking about the lizard and how he escaped yesterday.
Bronx, New York, 15:45
“Nah he'll be here soon. The boss says after today's shipment the police are going to leave the Bronx alone.” An unknown man, clearly a gangster in a suit, is talking to another man in a suit. “Yeah, isn't he worried, though I mean what happened yesterday? You know Freddy.” One of them says “Nah, his new guy almost killed Spider-Man yesterday. He was talking about how he was crawling to escape only got away because of the sprinklers.”
BANG, BANG, The Punisher walks into a restaurant with seven men in suits in it. “HEY WHO LET THIS GUY IN.” The Punisher grabs his M4 and start to spray into a crowd killing three of them. Two of them pull out micro uzi's shooting at him. The Punisher grabs a grenade and throws it at the bar. BANG, The grenade goes and kills the two of them. The other two put their hands up and surrendered. Frank drops his AR. BANG, BANG, He shoots them with his pistol. He walks upstairs where five line a wall of AK's. The Punisher pulls out a stun grenade throwing it at them. BANG, they all drop their guns blind and staggering The Punisher walks in picking up one of their guns firing on them all. He walks to a door with the dead piled up next to it. He kicks it open to see a man in a suit. “I wondered how long it would take for you to find me, Frank. Now I have some you want and in return you'll let me go, unde-.” BANG, “No deal.” Frank starts to pack a duffel bag with money. Once he's done he lights the office on fire and leaves.
He walks to a van getting into the driver's seat. He drives for about thirty minutes to a small house. Walking in he puts the money in the pantree where about fifteen of the same bags are. He puts on the TV playing the news and works on making bullets. “Spider-Man today was responsible for the destruction of one bank. One I go to, when i wanted to go there today I realised I COULDN'T BECAUSE SPIDER-MAN HELPED SANDMAN DESTROY IT AND WHEN THE COPS SHOWED UP HE THREW HIM UNDER AND PRETENDED TO BE THE HERO. Now why do I have to pay for it? Why doesn't he? We know who Captain America is and he destroys a bank because he's civilised and not a maniac.” Frank looks at the TV turning it off and continues working.
Manhattan, New York, 4:21
“PARKER, PARKER, these photos are blurry I'll give you fifty.” Peter looks at him “Mister Jamerson I need a hundred and twenty.” “I need better pictures.” A man walks in “We need pictures Jonah.” He looks at Peter. “Ok one twenty.” He sighs a check giving it to Peter.
Peter leaves and goes to the woman working at the desk in front. “Hey Betty.” Peter gives Betty the check to Betty who gives him the money. “Thanks.” Peter leaves the daily bugle checking phone. He sees that he's missed a call from Captain Stacey. He calls him. “ you at the station up town.” “Ok but which one?” He runs into the alley next to the bugle changing into his costume swinging away. “So which one.” “You won't miss it kid really.” The call ends. “Ok, quite weird but he didn't even say why he needed me.” It takes him about thirty seconds to realise what he's about. In the distance he sees a giant ball of electricity. “Oh no.”
“Where is it?” CRACK, BANG, Electro kills three police officers. Captain Stacey tells all the police officer's to get into the building. “YOU CAN'T HIDE.” Spider-Man swings down checking the pulse of one of the dead police officers. “no. SURRENDER NOW.” Electro flies in front of him. “Or what. At least I'll get to kill you now. Peter.” Peter feels nervous looking around and Captain Stacey shouts for him to get in. “STAY INSIDE CAPTAIN.” The captain goes to one of his men. “Is it ready?” “yeah” Electro shoots electricity at spider-man. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. Spider-Man webs a man hole throwing it at him. Electro catches it, Spider-Man using this moment slingshots himself punching Electro multiple times. “I'M DONE PLAYING. YOU KILLED COPS I'M NOT GOING EASY.” Electro smirks at Peter creating an emp knocking Peter down. Electro drops to the ground, shocking him. “AHHHHHHH. BANG, AHHHHHHHH. BANG, AHHHHHHHH.” Electro walks up to Spider-Man who is crawling away. “Poor little Peter Parker. Once I'm done with you I'll deal with the ones you love. Rest in piece Peter Parker.” Electro charges his hands then. BANG.
Manhattan, New York, 16:23
Punisher loads his sniper talking to himself. “Really, they would kill me immediately. At least I'll kill this freak.” He toggles with the scope. “SURRENDER NOW.” “He won't do that kid” he waits for a clear shot. “YOU KILLED COPS I'M NOT GOING EASY.” he waits for his moment. Bang “AHHHHHHH.” Electros hands start to charge he lifts them. “bang.” BANG. A single bullet goes through the chest of Electro. Frank picks up his sniper and walks downstairs.
Walking down he sees Electro holding his chest on the ground and Spider-Man next to him barely alive. The Punisher walks up to Electro with a knife. “No please d-dont do this.” He gets close to Electro as tries to crawl away. The Punisher grabs him and turns him around. Fear in Electros eye's “Once I'm done with you I'll deal with your loved one's.” “No please.” The Punisher stabs him in the throat, killing him. “You know kid stay away from fisk for the next couple of days you understand. Deal with that giant lizard terrorising the city. Got me Parker.” Peter just looks as he starts to lose consciousness. “Good.” Gorge Stacey and his men leave the building telling The Punisher to surrender. He walks away as no one dares goes to arrest him. Gorge gets his men to help Peter.
Manhattan, New York, 7:32 pm
“You've got to take it easy kid. The doctors said you could have died.” Peter listens to Captain Stacey saying. “I know but with this guy out there, bloods gonna spill in the streets.” The Captain sighs. “So what are you going to do.” Peter coughs “I'm going to try and find the lizard first.” “Stay safe kid.” Peter jumps of the empire state building swinging through the city calling MJ to tell May he's staying at hers tonight.
Thirty minutes Later Peter hears on the police radio that a giant lizard is destroying Oscorpe. Swinging over he feels the stitches in him starting to rip.
When he arrives he sees a fire and a chunk of the side of the building gone. He swings in where fire and dead security guards are. “W-who is he?.” He hears a continuous clicking sound. “There aren't any alien space hunters down there, ha ha.” He laughs nervously. Suddenly a human sized lizard runs towards him trying to eat him. He dodges jumping on a wall “Hey I'm from the zoo, they said a lizard needed to be put down. That doesn't make sense. I don't kill. Hey no bitey.” He sees on the lab coat he's wearing it says Dr Connors. Still dodging “Connor's wait Curt Connors how did you. AHHH.” The Lizard scratches Spider-Man across the chest leaving a claw mark. Spider-Man looks up and sees him jumping to bite him. Spider-Man cartwheels backwards into a jump webbing his head and face planting him. “If you chill out I'll give you a box of insects to eat.” The Lizard gets up. “AHHHHHHHH.” Spider-Man looks at him. “Uh I don't know what to say to that. Raw maybe." As Spider-Man gets ready to attack, the Lizard's left arm starts to turn grey. It looks at it and runs away. Spider-Man swings after him through the streets of Manhattan “YOU MIGHT UGLY BUT I'M FINE WITH IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN.” As he swings the lizard throws a hotdog stand at him. He webs it to a wall and keeps swinging. “SERIOUSLY A HOTDOG STAND IF YOU DON'T STOP I'LL TURN YOU INTO A LIZARD DOG. WELL I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.” The lizard goes into an alley into a sewer. Spider-Man follows him slingshotting himself in shouting. “YEAAAAH.”
Inside of the sewers Peter looks around and sees only one way forwards. He crawls ol the walls seeIng the destruction Connor's did. “UH MISTER CONNOR'S, CURT, LIZARD, ANYONE. AM I JUST TALKING TO MYSELF, YES, why did I shout that.” He keeps crawling till he hears shouting. “PLEASE I DIDN'T HAVE CONTROL PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.”
Manhattan, Sewers, New York, 19:28
“Where is this freak? This vermin to society.” The Punisher walks through the sewers trying to find the rat killing innocent people. “HISSSS.” He hears a hiss and feels something watching him. “SHOW YOURSELF YOU FREAK OF NATURE.” A black figure crawls out from the shadow. “Tries to hurt me, hurt Edward. AHHHH.” He hisses and screams at him. He goes to attack him but The Punisher unloads bullets from his M4. Vermin shouts in pain “AHHHHHHHH.” Frank slowly followed him. “YOU CAN'T RUN VERMIN. I'LL KILL YOU MATTER WHAT. I'LL DO WHATEVER, YOU'RE COWARD THAT PREY ON THE WEAK.” “Vermin doesn't prey on the weak. I DON'T HAVE CONTROL, AHHHH. Vermin needs to eat, Edward needs to live.” he scurries away. After a minute of walking he arrived in a circular area where Vermin threw him in. “AHHHHH. Vermin will kill you now.” Frank picks his M4 up again, shooting him. He screams crawling up the wall. The Punisher pulls the trigger when vermin is above it and doesn't do anything. He checks the mag to see it's empty. Vermin drops down Scratching Frank across the face. He pulls out his pistol shooting him in the eye. “AHHHHHH, AHHHHH.” Frank goes up and shoots him on the head, killing him.
He hears a scream further down. Going down the tunnel he sees lab equipment and a lizard transforming into a person. “The Lizard, perfect timing.” Limping, he goes over to The Lizard waiting for him to transform. “AHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHH, HELP PLEASE, AHHHHHHH.” Frank just stands there till he transforms. He pulls his pistol out and points it at Connor's. “You're the lizard. What's your name? WHAT YOUR NAME?” “Connor's. Dr Curtis Connors.” Frank starts to pull the triggers. “PLEASE I DIDN'T HAVE CONTROL PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.”
Peter drops down in front of him webbing his pistol. “We don't kill people, understand.” The Punisher grits his teeth “Back off kid really.” “So you can kill him. Like you did Electro. You told me you were going against Fisk, why are you going for The Lizard.” The Punisher smirks at Peter, making nervous. “I wasn't here for him. It's just a coincidence.” Peter stands there wondering what's next. The Punisher runs towards him Peter jumps over him kicking him in the back. The Punisher hits his head knocking him to the ground Peter uses this to web him up.
“Ok we need to get outta here understand.” Connor's nods and starts to pack his stuff. “I won't kill you kid.” Peter looks at him. “Good because neither will I.” “I'm ready Spider-Man.” Curt says to Peter “Alright let's get outta here.” Peter swings Curt Connors out of the sewers
Manhattan, New York, 8:53 pm
“Ok you need a cure. Uhh, I've got it. I'll take you to the Baxter building. Reed can help you.” Connors thinks. “What if he finds me?” Peter sighs. “It's probably got more security than the raft and it's got four of the best heroes in the world in there.” Connors agrees and Peter swings him there.
When he gets there they walk in. Peter shouts. “REED YOU HERE. REED RICHARDS.” “Peter.” They turn around to see Sue. “Hey Miss Richard's I need your help.” She looks at Peter then at Connor's “What's wrong Peter are you in trouble.” Peter looks at her then Connors. “Not me. Have you ever heard of The Punisher?” She looks confused. “Uhh no why.” “He's trying to kill him. He needs a secure place to stay. And he needs a cure to stop him from turning into a lizard.” She looks. “What about you? Will he kill you?” He sighs “No he won't. He just wants to kill villains.” She looks at Connors saying “Reed is out but he'll be back soon he can make you a cure. Be safe Peter this stuff doesn't end well.” Connor's looks at Peter “Thanks Parker I would never expect you to be a superhero. Miss Richards, can you get my family?”
Peter leaves, going to the top of the Baxter building for some peace. “I'm too tired. I just want to go home but I need to find Fisk.” He checks the wound Connor's left. “I'm losing too much blood. My costume is destroyed and I helped the guy escape death. How am I going to explain this to May my wounds? I can't believe it. First day as an adult and I might not live to see the second. Uncle Ben must think I'm stupid.” He shakes his head. “I've got to go to Fisk tower and warn him.” Peter swings to Fisk tower.
Manhattan, New York, 9:01pm
Spider-Man arrives feeling light headed. He swings up to the office where Fisk and his men are sitting. He opens the door, his men immediately pointing their guns at him. “DROP YOU WEAPONS.” Fisk tells his men. Reluctantly they do Peter Limping towards him. “I need to warn you. A guy, a guy is uh is uh going to kill you.” His voice started to slur and he was barely able to keep his eyes open.” Fisk walks towards him. “You two get the medics now.” Peter falls unconscious.
Waking up Peter wonder's where he is looking around and he sees medical equipment. He gets up and walks through a pair of doors into a room full of men and Fisk working at a desk. “You're awake. You've been out for nine hours.” Peter realises that his face is exposed and Fisk notices this. “We all know who you are, Parker.” Peter walks up to him. “Why did you save me? You're goon tried to kill me yesterday.” Fisk calmly got up saying. “Yesterday you came to warn me. I knew why because of the Punisher. When you came here you were close to death. I saved you because. I need you to defeat the Punisher. I've asked every mercenary in this city and it's the same answer. No before Punisher was a myth but now after the men he's killed. The only one who can defeat him is you.” Peter looks at him. “Who's to say I'll stop him.” “Because yesterday you came here to warn me. The only one who wants me dead that can do anything is him.” Peter looks at him. “Where's my stuff.” Fisk clicks his Fingers and one of his men comes over to Peter giving him his phone, suit and web shooters. Putting them on Peter goes to the window telling Fisk. “Thanks Fisk. You really should leave the city.” Peter swings away.
Queen's New York, 6:09 pm
Peter swings through Queens arriving at his girlfriend's house. He goes to her window knocking on it. She wakes up opening it. When Peter enters he takes off his mask. “I can't do it anymore Peter last night you never showed up. I thought you were dead. This Electro almost killed you and the lizard. Peter I ju- AHH.” She screams seeing Peter's face covered in stitches. “I'm not that ugly.” Peter jokes but MJ says. “What happened yesterday.” Peter sits down “It's a long story.”
Manhattan, New York, Sewers, Time Unknown
“DOWN HERE, THERE'S A LAB.” Two police officers walk down the sewers seeing a lab. They both walk into Connor's lab looking around. “What the hey Chris, what is this place? Chris.” Click the police officer feels a gun to the back of his head. “I'm going to take your gun and handcuffs. And Chris is alright just incapacitated.” Frank takes the cop's gun and handcuffs him to a metal pole.
Leaving the sewers Frank feels the cold air on his face. Checking his watch he realises it is broken. He goes to his van and drives off to his house.
When he gets inside he goes to the kitchen checking the clock. “Wasn't down there for long.” He puts on the TV while he makes shotgun shells. “Breaking news this morning we have word that Spider-Man and the Lizard destroyed Oscorpe hours ago, fleeing in the sewers. They also found the cannibal serial killer known as Vermin dead. They say it's a man dressed in black wearing a white skull on his chest. Now I don't condone murder but I want to personally thank this heroe for dealing with someone Spider-Man probably thinks isn't worth his time.” Punisher looks at the TV and at his shotgun loading. “That's all for now J, Jonah, Jamerson signing off.”
Frank goes into his pantree grabbing a bag of cash. He looks in it seeing about hundred and fifty grand. He takes it to his van with him driving off.
Manhattan, New York, 04:41
Frank walks into a small café and enters. “Mister Castle, quite a busy night was it.” Frank walks up giving him the bag of money. “Do you have the thing?” the man clears his throat. “Yes, your coffee is ready. Hot, two sugars and no milk. That'll be one dollar fifty cents.” Frank looks at the bag and at the device he's buying. He picks it up and leaves. “Keep the change.”

Hi everyone. It's been about nine days since my last update. I just wanna say, thank you all for your support and advice. There were a lot of people asking similar questions, and it was all a bit overwhelming so I didn't respond to any of them directly, but I will answer those questions here before I get on to the actual reason for this update. So, a lot of you were saying that I should talk to a school counselor or something. The thing is that I do virtual homeschool, and my mom works from home a lot, so I'm honestly just a bit too scared to try that. Plus, even if I did talk to my counselor without my mom being around to hear, I really don't trust any adults to keep these kinds of things to themselves. I know that sounds a bit dumb and paranoid, but it's really just how my brain thinks. A lot of you also said that I should bring up the therapy thing with my mom again, but I know for a fact that won't work. My mom really doesn't believe in therapy and believes that praying to God or having her preach about the bible to me will solve everything. As for my stepdad, I love the guy like a real father, and I see him as my true dad even if he doesn't want to adopt me, but he really is no help with the therapy issue either because he always just agrees with whatever my mom says to avoid arguments. But I'm doing fine right now though, and I honestly think things are going to start getting better. And I think this because I'm pretty sure my mom is finally gonna file for sole custody and court-ordered child support. One thing I guess I should've made clear is that my parents sorted out their custody and child-support agreement amongst themselves when they divorced. The agreement is that I spend weekends with my dad, and he pays my mom $100 per week. I'm pretty sure my dad only stuck to that agreement to keep himself looking good until he could finish his U.S. legalization process, since he used to be an immigrant from Canada. Once he was legalized, he stopped paying child support and began spoiling his new fam. Anyway, I went to my dad's house last weekend. This time, my mom didn't force me, and I actually decided I wanted to go because I wanted to give my dad one last chance. He picked me up from my mom's house, and we didn't get down the street before we were fighting. I was excitedly telling him about a business idea I had where I can make book-boxes and sell books with DIY necklaces and hand-painted bookmarks that match book covers, and he was telling me my idea was stupid and unprofitable and a waste of money and time. It was an hour-long drive to his house, and he was getting political or angry over every little thing I said. When I told him I was thinking about applying to colleges like Harvard or University of Chicago in the future, he began to yell about all the "dangerous Cuban and Mexican immigrants" in Chicago and began saying that Harvard is a waste of time since it's just as good as any other college, but "rich people go there, which is why it's so famous". I wound up yelling at him that he can't act so high and mighty over non-white immigrants because he was also an immigrant not too long ago. Also, I never understand why it is my dad is always so racist about Hispanic people when my mom and his current wife are both Latinas. He went on one rant after another, and I was so sick of it that instead of staying quiet like always, I actually argued back. Because of that, my dad spent the whole weekend complaining about my bad attitude. I told my mom about all of this. I think the final nail in the coffin that finally pushed her to want sole custody was when I told her about a rant my dad went on about "the difference between men and women". I wound up memorizing and writing down everything he said and texted it to my mom. I asked her not to talk to him about it, but she was pissed at him. Here are some of the things he said: "99% of women want to latch onto rich men", "Nearly all women are greedy and unloyal", "Men don't like successful and independent women because they're prideful and bossy", "It's more important for a wife to respect her husband than it is for him to respect her", "It is wrong for wives to make more than their husbands", and so much more. And then he smiled and said, "But you're the exception, pretty girl." There was so much more that happened just last weekend, like him saying some of my guy friends don't count as real men since some of them are gay, and trying to tell me my summer volunteering opportunity in DR is a bad idea since "the people there are different", even though my mom's side of the family comes from there. I won't list every annoying thing he did, and I'm finally done. This was his last chance, and he blew it. I just want to say I'm pretty sure my mom is not sending me over anymore. She spent all morning looking for my birth certificate because she's wondering if she needs it for court. She wants to get me full time, and have my dad pay child support. At the moment, he owes a lot of child support, and having him contribute financially would help me so much with preparing for college. Also, I did not mention the names of my books in the other posts. I didn't share them because I didn't want a bunch of internet strangers seeing my social media tags at the back of the book, but I will share the titles with anyone who DMs me. I will probably make another update if anything else happens. Hopefully, my next update will be after we've gone to court.

“I have a relatively good life but my wife doesn’t really want to fuck me and neither does anyone else.”
Saw this on some dudes post and this is basically why I came to MRP.
33yo, married 8 years, known for 12, 2 kids: 2.5y daughter and 4mth son and there will be no more.
Got a great girl, she has a good job and a sound mind on her too. Financially comfortable and saving for early retirement. Classic story; raunchy and kinky at first, got engaged/married it's been almost nothing but lame duty sex since. Says she enjoys it when we do it but not always in the mood (rarely in the mood) yada yada....
We had our second kid in Feb and shit is starting to settle but still chaotic with the toddler. Neither of us get a minute to ourselves, we have 1 hour 1:1 a day and just chat/watch an episode of a series. She's still post-partum and breastfeeding like a champ, dissatisfied with appearance (no time to take care of it) so says her body isn't even hers yet, let alone mine and I respect that.
We've pretty much contracted that there'll be no fucking until I've had my nuts sorted: my vasectomy, and there's also a complication down there needs fixing first which I'm waiting on the results for* so I'm (kind of?) laissez-faire with the whole situation for now, but god no this is not where I'm letting it stay.
*tempted to keep her in the dark over this, but I think it's *just* a varicocele.
Sex life was pretty shit before kids too. Been dead bedroom relationship for a long time (exc. periods where it's off limits/impossible!), lame ass shit like "it takes you too long to cum", "not tonight babe". Never her best fucking. Got a few bj's, fj's, massages from escorts in past 4 years but haven't really enjoyed it all that much when it has come to it. Very transactional and not feeling any dominance over them whatsoever.
August
We'll have the youngest on a better sleep and weaning routine from August so we'll have more time together, she'll be less tired, he'll be sitting up/ can play with sister etc (while I work on their mum) and hopefully all my balls stuff is sorted by then too, her body feels a bit better, etc.
Interested in the community's view on these priorities for my start:
Do now:

• Lift in home gym 3/week, run 1/week (5'7, 183lbs)
• Journal gym work and establish routine
• Sort out appearance. Fresh wardrobe and shoes for work and casual, whiten teeth, new fragrances
• Explore game. Understand where to start on how to stimulate women. Game wife (no expectation of sex yet per above, but could please her man in other ways......) and others for a bit of practice. Realise I've stumbled on this effect in the past without knowing it or knowing how to sustain it. Easy come, easy go!
• STFU (needs a bit of work - finding it tempting to seek validation "I'm going in my gym for a bit") and work on frame control. I realised I do this pretty well naturally and find it easy with the wife (have full agency to exercise my frame whenever I want [critique?]) so going to try it with others.
• Engage in more conversations with men and women. Spend more time talking (poss flirting) with mum-friends and good looking birds at work. Attend office 2 days a week (our minimum). Work on eye contact.
• Eugh, the bit that makes me cringe to say I need to do: cut out porn, daily masturbation, weed and binge eating before bed. Made good progress into these (except the weed) past few weeks and is what kicked off this reseaching which led me to MRP.
• Figure out where to make a start. There's so much to navigate. I like the look of 60 Days of Dread.
• [Suggestions?] Decide which book align most closely to my short-term goal of laying these foundations (pre-August) and read it.

Do later:

• Join public gym (impractical with such a young baby and minimal childcare outside of daycare [while I work] right now)
• Increase office attendance occasionally / unexpected late stays or work trips, etc. as a tool to build dread
• Scope out other books worth reading first
• Explore more 'do laters'

Feel confident starting here but I want to understand if I'm missing anything or misinformed about anything

First time asking for advice on here, after being a spectator forever. Been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, I'm 35, he's 33. I'm verse, he's a bottom, so I've become the top in our relationship. It was going good with no issues before. Around the end/start of the year I started going soft during sex. Couldn't even get hard to masturbate.
Thought it was a Testosterone issue, so I saw my Dr about my levels. While it was within normal range, it was on the low end so I got a T prescription. It eventually did help with getting hard but mentally I still feel the same. And sex happens like once every two week now..
My last relationship I was a bottom, but sex was so bad, I thought all the problems were because of how bad it was. Which is true, but I'm now realizing that I didn't like bottoming all the time either. Missing bottoming in my current relationship, made me realize that'll I also missed topping in my last relationship and that I am truly 50/50 verse.
Frustrated that I'm just finding out that I'm very much 50/50 verse at age 35. Feel like this is something I should of figured out years ago. Even though I miss bottoming, the mood to top still comes up and that's when I'm less worried about sex. But a lot of the time I have to suppress my mood to bottom since I have to top. And then that puts pressure on me to stay hard.
We have tried having my boyfriend top but it's clear on his face he doesn't enjoy topping and I can feel it in his energy too. I truly appreciate it that he tries, but it's not enjoyable if he's not into it. We recently got into a little spat because of our sex life getting smaller and smaller and he broke down crying and feeling ugly. I feel terrible, because the problem isn't him.
He also suggested an open relationship for my sake. But he's against open relationships and knowing that, there's no way I can go through with it cause I know that would hurt him. I love him a lot and trying to figure out how to fix my mental state around this but I don't know what to do. I was wondering if any other verse men had to go through this? And how did you go about the problem?

Hello everyone. This is my [28F] first reddit post ever, so please bare with me. This question stems from a conversation that I had with my therapist years ago and a romantic relationship that I am involved in and have been involved in for about 10 months - but I would love to get a mans perspective
For context on the point about the therapist. I had just gotten out of a toxic 5.5 year relationship. My ex 35M was an ex-nfl player whose career ended shorter than he would have liked due to injuries. As you could imagine, as the years went on and he was further away from football it was harder for him to cope and transition into “normal people life.” He refused to get a “regular job” or work in corporate America and was convinced that he was going to be an entrepreneur and become rich that way. Shocker, it never happened. The farther he got from football, the further he got from really prioritizing the relationship or seemingly caring about me and my needs being met at all.
We broke up due to me finding out about him cheating (and a whole other bunch of traumatizing items) and when I went to see a therapist, one thing that stuck out to me that she said was that it is really hard for a man to focus on a relationship or be a good partner when his finances and career are not where he wants them to be. She went on to say that because of society, many men use their financial state or their career as their identity and when they don’t have it together, it can feel like they are just “floating through society” and its hard for them to really be great anywhere else
Fastforward to today. I 28F have been dating a man 32M for about 10 months now. It started off super casual last summer but got more serious in the beginning of the year. Towards the end of last year he had to drain his savings account to help out with a family emergency on his mothers side of the family. His mother makes a bit of income but he is the one that she turns to in case of emergency. Shortly after that, he made his transition out of the military (Army) and has been trying to figure out what he wants to do next. He’s taken security jobs here and there to meet ends meet. He’s working with a buddy of his on his online business, making several hundred dollars a week. His goal is to be a police officer, but apparently he has some debt in collections (didn’t make the best financial decisions when he was making good money) and he can’t move forward with the process to become a police officer until that is paid off. So I can imagine he feels really stuck
We talk everyday and see each other every week, sometimes multiple times a week. Since he’s in a tough place financially, I’ll grab him stuff from the store when I go grocery shopping and have paid for our dates to take some pressure off of him. If I see he’s having an extra stressful week, I’ll take him to lunch or have him come over and raid my fridge. Its to the point that some days he just won’t eat as much because he only has so much in the fridge. Prior to shit hitting the fan, he would pay for the dates and bring me food when he would come over.
I asked him the other day where he saw this going. Theres no right or wrong answer, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He said that he had feelings for me, liked me, cared for me (a lot) and was “invested in the relationship”, but that right now he doesn’t even know where he will be or what he will be doing in a couple months and so its hard for him to give me an answer. I referred to our relationship as a “situationship” aka more than friends + romantically involved, but not boyfriend and girlfriend and he got offended/defensive and said that what we had was not a situationship. I asked him to clarify what we were and he said that we were dating and that I was a person he was dating that he cared about a lot and that its def not a situationship because he is not seeing anyone but me. He seemed kind of hurt and was like "you don't think I want to do amazing things for you??"
However, he said that right now, all he can think about is getting his life together and getting back financially to where he was before (he was making above $150k/year prior) because he has multiple family family members that rely on him (including a son he had prior to meeting me). He made a comment about only being able to “focus on one thing at a time” which was interesting to me because I always thought the whole “only women can multitask” thing was a stereotype. But him saying that reminded me of the conversation that I had with my therapist years ago about how its hard for men to be good partners or prioritize a relationship when their finances/career are not in a great place
So I guess my question is, is this true? Is it possible for a man to want a relationship with a woman and have feelings for her - but it be clouded by the fact that he is essentially in survival mode trying to make a transition from one career to another and get his career and finances together? Or is that just a convenient excuse that he is using?

First / Previous / Royal Road / Patreon (Read 12 Chapters Ahead)

When the sun had finally fully set, Pale put her plan into motion. She took one last glance out at the checkpoint ahead of them, then turned to Kayla.
"Lie down on the ground and cover your ears."
"What?" Kayla asked. "What does that mean? What are you planning to do?"
"You'll see. Just do it."
Kayla pursed her lips, but didn't argue, instead following Pale's directions to the letter. Once she was situated, Pale turned her attention back to the checkpoint. She'd done some thinking about this, and ultimately decided that the most efficient and least destructive way to get through would be to sacrifice a pod. This was a bit of a problem, as she only had a few pods to begin with, but it was better than using heavy ordinance in order to punch a hole clean through.
"You ready?" Pale asked.
"What?" Kayla said, looking to her in confusion with her hands still clamped over her ears. "What'd you just say?"
Pale took that as her cue to act. She snapped her fingers, and a few seconds later, a flaming piece of metal came hurtling down from the sky, embedding itself directly in the center of the berserkers' checkpoint. From inside, she heard panicked shouts escape from the occupants, as well as a few pained moans; clearly, the impact had incapacitated a few of them.
Then the pod exploded.
The log walls to the checkpoint buckled under the shockwave, rolling across the ground before coming to a rest a short ways away. Through the ringing in her ears, Pale heard the men from inside the fort screaming in terror and agony. Several spells were being launched blindly in the night, their casters unable to hit anything thanks to being disoriented from the blast and blinded from the resulting cloud of smoke and dust.
Pale grabbed Kayla and thrust her to her feet, then charged in towards the camp, shotgun in hand. The smoke had begun to clear just as she got there, revealing the full extent of the destruction. Mutilated bodies lay littered across the field, scattered around a large crater dug deeply into the center of the area. From the looks of things, most of the bandits had been killed outright by either the impact of the pod or the explosion, and the few survivors had been completely deafened by it and were riddled with injuries. Many of them looked like they could barely stand, and several were only being kept alive thanks to that same red magical aura from earlier.
Pale didn't waste any time. She shouldered her weapon, then took aim at the nearest bandit and fired, reducing his head to little more than a fine pink mist. Pumping her shotgun, she transitioned to her next target, putting him down just as easily. Next to her, Kayla opened up with some of her lightning, sending streaks of it arcing through the night and towards the nearest survivor.
That seemed to be too much for the few who were still left. Rather than stand and fight, they turned and tried to run away, sprinting off into the night. Kayla immediately stopped engaging; Pale, meanwhile, took aim and continued to fire until her weapon ran dry, riddling each fleeing man with a shell full of buckshot straight to the back.
And just like that, it was over. A heavy silence fell over the camp, the only noise that interrupted it being the nearby waves lapping at the shore. Pale began to thumb loose shells into her weapon, then motioned for Kayla to follow after her.
"Come on," she urged. "I think I see some boats over on the shoreline."
Kayla tore her gaze away from the carnage around them, looking back to her. Pale half-expected her to say something about how she'd just shot fleeing men, but Kayla stayed silent, instead simply nodding, stone-faced. Together, they made their way over to the shore, and sure enough, there were several boats lined up on the sand.
"Do you know how to work one of these things?" Kayla asked. "I've never been on one before…"
"We'll figure it out," Pale said. "Take that small one, it looks like it has room for three people."
Kayla looked at her, surprised. "Only three? What about the others?"
"If there are any others, they'll have to fend for themselves."
"We can't just leave freed slaves there!"
"And we won't," Pale assured her. "Slavery is a taboo even among my creators, and they made sure to pass their hatred of it on to me as well, but our first priority is getting your father back safely. Once we've done that, we can start going back for others. And as much as a large boat would help us with that right now, it's simply not feasible with just the two of us here to operate it. Understand?"
Reluctantly, Kayla nodded. "...I suppose so. Alright, let's go get him."
–
As it turned out, the northern isles weren't too far from their current location – as dawn broke, Pale realized they were actually visible in the distance through the steady morning mist that had descended upon their boat.
Unfortunately, the boat they'd commandeered was little more than a small sailboat with some oars attached in case the wind was unfavorable, which it had been since they'd first stepped into the water. For the past few hours, her and Kayla had been forced to row, even through the night. Only now, as the sun began to rise, did the wind shift and start to blow from behind them, allowing them both to rest for a time.
It was still going despite that, however. Logic dictated that they ought to have taken turns sleeping or otherwise resting up during this time, but somehow, Pale couldn't bring herself to do it, and neither could Kayla.
"Nervous?" Kayla asked.
Pale shrugged. "Eager, more like. This entire quest has taken the better part of a week, by my estimation. In that time, I have killed several people, nearly been killed myself multiple times, and have apparently been inducted into someone's family, whatever that means. Frankly, I am ready for this to be over so I can resume finding a way back to my home system."
Kayla hesitated for a moment. "About that… what made you think I was able to assist in the first place? I-I mean… not that I'm ungrateful for your help or anything, quite the opposite, but… I'm so… normal. I don't know anything about space travel, and hells, I barely know anything about the world outside my small little village. And yet, you seemed to think I was capable of helping you when we first met. Why was that?"
Pale shrugged. "I ascertained that this was uncharted territory for anyone from my system pretty much the moment I arrived here. From that point on, I knew I was going to need someone who could not only lead me around, but that I could learn the language from and trust to watch my back. Serendipity did the rest."
"Ah… what does that-"
"It means you were in the right place at the right time for both of us," Pale specified. "You need help, I needed help, and now we're helping each other."
"And… you don't regret doing this?"
Pale shook her head. "I have no reason to regret anything so far. This quest has only taken about a week, which is nothing for me in the grand scheme of things. Plus, you have been very reliable so far, particularly in combat. You have kept your cool in a way that suggests some kind of training."
"Oh… um, I'm not really trained." Kayla brought a hand up to rub at the back of her head. "I-I mean… I'm my father's apprentice, of course, but I don't have any kind of combat training. All the offensive spells I know, I only know because he insisted that a young woman like me should know how to defend herself if she's going to be heading off on her own."
That got Pale's attention. She sat up a bit straighter in the boat, focusing on Kayla. "You were planning to go your own way?"
"Mhm," Kayla confirmed with a nod. "There's a very prestigious magic academy down south, I was hoping to take their entrance exam sometime soon, before… well, all this happened. I don't really know what I would do after that – being a fire mage restricts me in a lot of ways; I'd basically be forced into a combat role for something, whether that was as a professional soldier or as a bodyguard or something along those lines – but all I know is I really want to study magic more in-depth. My father is an excellent teacher, but he doesn't have the same resources the Luminarium does."
"There's something I've been wondering," Pale admitted. "No offense, but you're… meek, to say the least. You don't like to fight or hurt people, and yet you use fire magic. Why is that? Did something make you pick it in particular?"
"Pick?" Kayla asked, tilting her head. "I didn't pick my affinity. Very few people can. Really, your affinity is determined when you unlock your sjel – and before you ask, generally speaking, that happens when you come of age, which for most people is around fifteen years old, maybe a bit younger or older depending on who they are. To put it briefly, when your sjel is unlocked, an Archmage – basically a very accomplished caster who has dedicated their life to the study of magic – can serve as a witness, and somehow determine the type of magic you will have an affinity with. Generally, it's not something you choose; the vast majority of people just are naturally more tuned to one type of magic. Nobody knows why, but that's just how it's always been. Occasionally, you get someone who has multiple affinities, but that kind of thing is very rare. Come to think of it, it really only ever happens with the royal families…"
Pale scowled at the implications of that, but said nothing. Instead, she watched as Kayla shook her head.
"Anyway, that was my plan for after we rescue my father," she said. "What about you? How were you hoping to get back to your people?"
"Truthfully, I do not know," Pale replied. "The technology of this world is far too primitive to be of any help to me. I was hoping a magical solution existed somehow, but if not, then I will have to take matters into my own hands, and essentially kickstart my own industrial revolution."
Kayla gave her a panicked expression, but Pale held up a hand, calming her.
"It's different than an actual, violent revolution," she assured Kayla. "Ideally, there would be no bloodshed involved."
"Ideally…? What would you be doing?"
"Using the knowledge gifted to me by my creators to rapidly improve the technology of this world to the point where it would actually be useful to me," Pale specified. "I would go more into detail, but that would likely be premature. All you need to know at this point is that, should no other solution present itself, I will begin pushing the technology of this world forward at an incredibly rapid pace."
"How rapid?"
Pale thought for a moment. "By my estimations? Basic space flight within twenty-five years, off-world colonies and terraforming within forty, faster-than-light travel within fifty."
Kayla began to sputter. "Y-you…! Are you serious?!"
"Deathly so, yes. I know exactly what is needed in order to get there, the problem is obtaining and refining the materials for it all. But give me time, and I can have you all looking at colonizing other planets within four decades." Pale suddenly peered behind Kayla, a deep scowl crossing her face. "But this conversation will have to wait, I'm afraid."
Kayla went deathly white. Slowly, she turned to look behind herself, and began to tremble when she saw land fast approaching.
"We're here," was all Pale had to say.

Special thanks to my good friend and co-writer, Ickbard for the help with writing this story.

So I see a lot of SA girls on TikTok and other social media sharing their insecurities about how they are perceived because of their race in society. I resonated with this when I was younger - so many people making videos and comments perpetuating all sorts of horrible ideas I don’t want to describe.
I would like to share some things that made me feel more comfortable in my skin and beautiful as an Indian woman who grew up in a white-majority community. A lot of these are physical and perhaps superficial, but many of these are based on mindset as well. This will be a long post.
Of course these are just my experiences and I don’t want to say that it will work for everyone, and I encourage other women in the comments to share any positive experiences/changes they’ve had as well!

1. Haircare routine and styling

This one takes time. But I think having healthier hair is a huge step to feeling more physically attractive. For context, I have very thick, wavy hair and used to straighten my hair to temporarily get rid of frizz - not so good on a regular basis! So I decided to do some research on my hair type, experiment w different products and routines.
What has worked excellently for me - oiling hair and leaving it overnight before a wash day, using keratin hair products, washing hair off with lukewarm to cool water, and wearing a silk bonnet at night. My hair has never felt so soft and silky and I love it! Also, I believe that for thick, long and wavy hair, a layered haircut work absolute wonders since it tends to frame the face better.
I was told that when my hair grows really long, it seems to ‘wash out’ the rest of my face because of how thick and large it is. I think the haircut part depends on your hair texture and type, but the other advice could be helpful.

1. Experiment with makeup as a hobby

I do know especially in Indian households, women are often discouraged from wearing too much makeup, or putting even the slightest amount of effort into their appearance. Not sure why? Many possibilities, but anyway. I believe there’s nothing wrong with trying to be more beautiful AND accomplished, even though it is a lot of pressure. There is a conflict between many South Asian parents setting very high academic+career standards with less focus on looks AND the beauty standards society sets for a woman (not to mention how much power and leverage looks can give a woman). So I thought it wasn’t an unreasonable goal to set!
I started off simple with a drugstore concealer and lash curler. Once I was in college, I had a lot of freedom to use money from my part-time job to buy more products. To treat myself, I tried tinted moisturizers, lip glosses, lipsticks, mascara, blushes, and more! Maybe I got a bit too indulgent, lol. But it was fun and helped me find a nice signature look.
For reference, I have wheatish brown skin, I think the same shade as Freida Pinto, and a round face with dry skin. A pigmented lipstick/gloss (NYX is great) with concealer, cream blush, and sometimes mascara is the sweet spot for me. I think this will vary based on your preferences. But my Indian dad, who wasn’t excited about my makeup addiction in the beginning, is more accepting and even likes some of my looks lol. Maybe because I’m an adult now, or I was stubborn.

1. Clothes

Maybe some of you have fashionable parents unlike me lol. I think my parents bought me things that are unflattering - didn’t complement my figure or just didn’t resonate with me. I’m sure they had their best intentions lol, just wasn’t my style. Shopped alone or with friends. Generally, I love to wear long skirts, flare pants, cardigans, anything that isn’t too revealing but still flatters the curves of my figure. Not only do I feel prettier, I also receive so many compliments on my style!
Low neck tops and “sexier” outfits are for going out with friends. I think dressing very sexy is a bit more difficult for me because of personal reasons + the conflict between South Asian and western media fashion ideals (modest vs sexed and revealing). But I personally think us South Asian girls can never go wrong with a long skirt!

1. Decentering Men

I feel so much more beautiful, confident, and powerful after I decided to stop pandering to men. Do not chase men and feed their egos, make sure they are the ones pursuing you. And even if you do pursue them, make sure they think they are the ones doing the pursuing. If you feel they are clingy/disrespecting boundaries repeatedly, drop them immediately. This will save much energy and peace.
Some SA men send sexually suggestive messages and expect me to show interest just because we are the same race. White men will do the same, but expect me to comply because they think Indian women as well as other POC are ‘easy’ and automatically throw themselves at any white man. This is hilarious and I block/unfollow/unadd immediately.
I also want to add that these men will try to make beautiful SA women think they are inherently undesirable because of their ethnicity and put them down. They may suggest that you shouldn’t be ‘choosy’ and should settle for any man that comes near them.
This is a way of gaining power over you. They know you wouldn’t normally pay any attention to them! So they want to bring you down and make you believe you are incapable of attracting a high value man, so that you think they are doing you a favor by going out with you. Never pay heed to this.
I know MANY South Asian women who date and even marry wealthy, well-established men (of any race) who spoil them well. When I changed my mindset, I started attracting higher value men who offer to take me out on proper dates, do the work for me, just putting in the extra effort. Focus on yourself first and you’ll attract better quality men. Never, ever settle.

1. Consume media that portrays SA women and their culture as beautiful

I believe the media rep of South Asian women has improved over the years, even though there are still flaws. It is comforting to see a South Asian woman to be portrayed as beautiful, but without being exoticized.
One example of this is Bridgerton, specifically the second season. South Asian women are not only shown as beautiful, but sought after and chased after, not just for their race. The characters are well-written in my opinion. In addition, I appreciate the beautiful dresses and styling of these women, in contrast to Parvati and Padma’s rather disappointing Yule Ball outfits in the HP movies.
Something else that personally works for me is watching videos or looking at pictures of cultural dance/weddings/outfits that are worn. It brings me a sense of pride for my identity.

1. Study what I want to, not necessarily what my parents want

There’s nothing wrong with being more than a pretty face, so here’s some academic advice. Many of us have been diligent when it comes to studying, setting goals for our career and future. The dream parents have for a doctolawyeengineer child is real.
But I think if you know of a career that is fairly lucrative and interests you that is not any of those three, you might want to pursue that instead of going with the status quo. Studying what I want has made me much more passionate and dedicated to my career than I would have been if I just did whatever my parents said. They used to be skeptical, but now they support me and have a lot of belief in me as well.
These are the things that helped me the most! It may or may not work for everyone because of the diversity of family upbringing and socio-economic circumstances, but I just wanted to share my experiences. I encourage you all to share any you have as well!

Gonna try to keep this organized and easy to follow but I apologize if it ends up being a mess, my brain feels like a mess itself right now.
This was my first relationship and my first for many other things as well. I met my ex at work and we currently are still working together. We became friends at work and overtime our friendship blossomed into something more. It wasn't easy to convince her to give me a shot being so much younger than her, but I really thought I felt a connection with her. I felt safe around her, she made me laugh, and I found her attractive and in time she agreed to go on a date with me.
Initially things went extremely well until my depression reared its ugly head after just one week. We were making out and chatting in my car after our second date and she started to pick up on something wrong with me and kept asking if I was alright and touching me in a comforting manner. Said she was seeing an immense sorrow in my eyes until I broke down and explained to her I've been getting treated for my depression for 10 years now, 10 years of the same pill. I was terrified initially but she seemed unbothered, in fact she was happy I felt comfortable enough to share that with her.
She recommended we get a bottle of wine and head inside her place to chill out. The morning after though she hit me with something big. Why don't I leave my pills she asked me. Told me that after so many years of taking them they could be damaging my liver and even be having the opposite effect, but I explained that the withdrawal from them is super rough and she recommended I stay at her place for the week it would take to get though, told me she'd be my pill from now on. I relied heavily on her for those days and suffered like hell but I trusted her and believed it would make me a better person in the end.
In the end I felt different, better, happier, and I loved her even more for doing this all for me. So I took a risk and asked her if I could move in permanently to which I experienced some pushback but eventually she agreed. This was all like a dream, I was so happy until we had our first real fight after a month. I had a special needs friend at work that she didn't know about and for some reason she got jealous over him. Especially the fact that I had "hid the fact that I had went out to eat with him and his parents" but this was way before I even had met her and I'm also straight+ I'm not a monster. Not going to take advantage of a special needs person, that alone was extremely offensive but on top of that she kicked me out with all of my stuff only to send me a text later telling me to comeback after 3 hours. I was so mad and hurt, I trusted her with effectively my life and she dumped me aside so easily, I could have easily had an ugly spiral into something awful without my meds but she didn't care, didn't stop to think how that would affect me.
So I was already blackout drunk at my mom's house crying so I didn't come back initially. I saw her at work the next day and she was laughing and chatting with coworkers like nothing had happened. I felt even more hurt, I didn't understand how she could be acting like nothing. I didn't speak to her for two days until she texted me again telling me she's sorry and that she misses me. I came back after, and we chatted some more in person. She accepted blame but said it was also partly my fault for hiding this. I explained that I wasn't hiding anything but, in the end, I just accepted it. I was naturally a little distant after this happened and she wasn't happy about that, said I was treating her differently and I accepted that I was and defended my position to which she responded that she will change as well then.
Something that didn't help with the process of trying to forgive her and put this behind us and in time I saw her change but in a much more negative way. She started to get jealous over everything and saying toxic stuff like when a young pretty girl would walk past us "why don't you leave me and go with her" and I tried to push through it all but after just 3 weeks I ended up back out in the street with all my stuff after I tried explaining to her that she was just being mean in response to me trying to protect myself and that I can't even start the process of forgiving her like this. She told me she doesn't want to share the same bed with someone who can't forgive her and has doubts about her.
This time we didn't speak for two weeks; it was absolutely heart wrenching for me. I was stuck seeing her day in and day out at work being all happy and whatnot when I was super miserable and just wanted to never see her again. I loved her with my entire heart still, but I couldn't go on like this. She texted me out of the blue again and we chatted a lot until she convinced me to go to her in person. She asked for a hug when I arrived, and I broke down in her arms. I felt so weak and pathetic, but I couldn't hold it all in anymore. Once again, she blamed me but this time that it was my choice to leave but I wasn't left with one. If someone tells me " I will help you pack your stuff and that I can't share a bed with you" what else am I left with?
I was so broken down by this point that I just accepted and worked on forgiving her for the first time. I moved back in after 3 days from this meeting and in time (2 months went by) I thought we had reached a point where we could be happy and in peace together. But her other faults started to become apparent to me and were starting to weigh on me. I knew I had already lost my self-respect, but to feel unappreciated, not understood, and even unloved was too much. My depression would rear it's head here and there + the stress of trying to make plans with someone who doesn't hold the same priorities as me would get to me.
I'd shut down for a little to sort out my brain because I loved her and only ever wanted to do right by her but she'd take my silence as mistreatment to her. I could be driving her around, opening doors for her, carrying stuff for her, holding her hands and she would only think about how my sorrow or stress was affecting her even though the stress may have been from trying to make a better life for us. I hated where she currently lives, it has cockroaches, the shower burns me to the point my skin was flaking, there's not a kitchen because it's a hotel in reality only with monthly rates with no lease. But she never cared or shared my urgency to find somewhere else to live. We had the means but she was more interested in planning the next outting or vacation plans to complete later in the year (she wants 3!? vacations).
I would voice how I felt but she would seem to be unfazed and so one day I told her I'm gonna move back in with my mom and it only escalated from there. We ended up separated after I said this is the end and the very same day we split she tells me she's going to leave the country (back to PR) and her job. I panicked and begged for a chance to talk one last time. Something she initially didn't want to do but she changed her mind after a few days and now I'm planning to see her tomorrow and I don't even know what I'm doing at this point. I just feel so lost and hurt. I don't recognize myself anymore. It was only 5 months all in all and it wasn't all bad, but I don't think this sustainable.
I don't know what I expect to achieve by talking with her tomorrow, I gave her so many of my firsts and made so many pretty memories.. is there really no hope here? can I do anything different or say something to change her?