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Hi all,
Im looking for solid colour yarn to knit a cardigan for a baby. I don't want to use synthetic materials if possible, but would like it to be washable. I need it in Aran / worsted weight for the pattern.
Any recommendations please? My local yarn shops don't sell anything suitable.

Hi everyone!
Longtime lurker, first time caller :) Just wanted to share some opinions on recent Sezane purchases in terms of fit, quality, etc. Hope it's helpful for anyone thinking about these purchases!
For reference, I'm 5'5", 135-140 lbs (depending on my menstrual cycle), athletic build but also quite curvy (broad shoulders and lats from years of rock climbing, wide hips, smaller waist). Measurements are roughly 37 inch bust - 28 inch waist. My complexion is dark (olive-tan skin, black hair, brown eyes).
Clyde Trench in Camel
I ordered a size 4 as I range anywhere from a size 2-size 6 in Sezane tops just depending on how I want something to fit.

• Pros: Fit me very well in the shoulders, which is hard to do sometimes! Fabric feels like it has a great heft being 100% cotton, lining inside is very cute and comfortable against the skin.
• Cons: Found the camel color to be a bit off-putting in person under fluorescent lights. Wonder if I should've gone for the light beige? Color has an almost beige-green-puke appearance to it instead of a warm-red brown. Very unflattering for my shape. So baggy everywhere but the shoulders. I'm not (that) short but the coat makes me look short and stout. It's also visually just so, so much beige. Drowning in a sea of beige. Really disappointed because I love how this coat looks on models!
• Overall: I would consider trying a size 2 but I'm guessing it'll be tight in my shoulders and for $350 USD, I really would want a coat to be both comfortable and very flattering. Also it's so annoying that it's dry clean only and not at all water resistant, though I would've kept it if I loved how it looked. I think this coat does look great on a lot of people but not me!!

Riddle Jacket in Pied de Poule (Houndstooth) Khaki
I love Octobre Editions and I'm obsessed with how Sezane does a lot of their Instagram reel styling with women wearing men's jackets and knit tops. I watched a reel where their social media ambassador Lise (Lisa?) tried on the Riddle Jacket and commented on being a European size 52 (US Size 42) (which seemed large but what do I know?) so based my sizing off of that.

• Pros: Fabric is very lightweight and cool for the summer, great pattern, extremely cool colors (the houndstooth is very subtly dark green). Construction is very precise and just makes for a very sharp looking jacket.
• Cons: Fabric is maybe even too lightweight, and the jacket has no lining (I think to make it more breathable), but it kind of has an effect of feeling and looking cheap. Which is just not at all what I want in a $450 blazer! In terms of sizing, unfortunately just absolutely gigantic on me everywhere. Not in a cute oversized way. Just a little kid in their dad's suit way.
• Overall: Lesson learned, will try a size 36 if I ever do a Octobre Editions jacket try on again. Also, for the price point, I would definitely just get one of their blazers with a nice lining and a nice heft (wool or 100% cotton instead of seersucker)

Paula Babies (in Polished Camel and Patent Khaki)
I have a quite flat, wide foot (very little arch) and I typically wear a size 7.5-8 Womens US. I've heard a lot of rumblings on this subreddit to size up in Sezane shoes, so I got both a size 8 (Camel) and size 9 (Patent Khaki).

• Pros: Beautiful patent leather (with that new car smell haha)! The colors are to die for! The heel is nice and wide and chunky and feels substantial. Everything is stitched together so I know that the lining won't peel away from the outer leather. Slingback and front straps allow for a lot of adjustability, so much so that I actually fit into both sizes quite comfortably. Decently comfortable in the sole for a dressier shoe.
• Cons: A bit of pinching on the side of my foot unless I let out the straps all the way, then it's mostly gone. Only notice it after sitting in them for a few hours. Walking around my apartment, I think there might be some potential hot spots if I walked a few miles in them, so they will probably need a break in period or a sock. Patent Khaki color looks a bit nicer in bright outdoor lighting and a wee bit dark for my tastes in more indoor lighting, but I still think it'll be adorable with a pair of jeans.
• Overall: Honestly kind of obsessed with them! I think they're incredibly cute and comfortable for a heeled mary jane. I am absolutely not a heel person but the wedge makes them easy to walk around and balance in. The aesthetic is very hard to beat in my opinion (and I stared at a lot of competitors, including Jonak, Bobbies, and Carel, etc), and the color options are really fun. I heard so many terrible things about Sezane's mary janes on this subreddit but I think I'm keeping them both (one for wearing barefoot, one with extra room for frilly socks, they're both so adjustable anyway). You could probably get a nicer shoe for more money but I think the construction and appearance are perfect for the price point.

Hope this experience helps anyone making a decision! Happy to answer more questions and post pictures of shoes (but probably not the jackets, as I've already re-packed them).

Hi I am a new knitter, working on my 3rd pair of socks. I have been dealing with ladders and have made adjustments accordingly (switching from 2 cable needles to 9 inch shorties has helped so much!) but I have noticed that when using stitch markers, they can cause a little bit of laddering. Is this a thing or not really? Does this mean I’m a tight knitter?
Another question - I want to make a hat and I have a yarn from my stash in mind. The pattern calls for DK weight and I have fingering. I’ve heard you can mix two yarns together to get to the bigger weight, what can I add to the fingering to make it DK weight? Or any other tips for what yarn would be good to mix with the fingering that looks nice but not itchy on the forehead?
And last question - I want to make my first sweater, I am comfortable with increasing and decreasing, short rows, German short rows, Kitchener stitch, etc. I would say I am a motivated and ambitious beginner not afraid of a challenge, and I have support in person if necessary for mistakes etc. So I feel confident in making my first sweater and I love PetiteKnit on Ravelry. If anyone is familiar with the Petiteknit patterns, the ones I’m interested in are the cumulus blouse, marble sweater, louvre sweater, or Wednesday sweater. If anyone has any input on which of these would be a better fit for a first sweater I would really appreciate it!
Thank you for taking the time to read this and help a newbie with her new hobby!

My husband works weekends so we did stuff on Friday. I told him I wanted a thoughtful surprise and a day on the couch playing Stardew Valley and knitting. He woke up with baby; they snuck out and came back with breakfast! Then I was escorted to the couch where I was handed my Switch Lite and project bag. I only emerged to put baby down to nap (which I like doing) and to make dinner (which I wanted to do). He got me a “mama” tshirt, teen titans on Blu-ray and an electric yarn winder! The yarn winder was broken upon arrival and he was very embarrassed but we can exchange it!
Yesterday (Sunday) baby slept through the night so we were able to go to church. Everyone was excited to see us! Our church tradition is to give pink carnations to all the women— not just moms. I haven’t been to church since I was a teenager so it was my first time getting one! My aunt and uncle surprised us in the parking lot after church. They got me a beautiful necklace made from a corelle dish in the pattern I grew up with “spring blossom”. Then we saw my nana and gave her a present. A stained glass suncatcher with a cardinal and humming bird. After that we went home just in time for a nap! After nap we had some girl time until it was time to make dinner which was a soft taco bake thing that was ridiculously unhealthy! 😎

Hello, just made an account to post this question. I’ve been reading posts here for months, and it’s been so helpful. I just read Precious Little Sleep thanks to you all! I’m hoping there are parents here who can share their insights. Thank you in advance :)
Background: Baby has a nurse to sleep association. First sleep training attempt when baby was 7mo. We tried pick up/put down and FerbeTCB, but the crying was just horrific when we were in the room. We gave CIO a good try for 2 weeks based on Taking Cara Babies (baby only got nursed if he was sleeping, if he woke up he had to fall back asleep on his own. Basically dream feeds only). Baby still had multiple wake ups after 2 weeks and eventually we stopped using CIO for night waking. Also our first night of CIO, baby took 3 hours to fall asleep. After that it was usually only 15-30min but we were all traumatized from night 1. Then baby was sick a bunch this winter and we stopped the sleep training. I wanted him to stay hydrated/have comfort when he was sick, and there wasn’t enough time between illnesses to re-sleep train.
The situation: baby has been nursed to sleep for about 4 months now. He’s 12mo. He is waking more and more frequently. He seems very angry about being left in the crib. Takes multiple attempts to get him in the crib all night. I feel ready to start night weaning him along with the sleep training.
Our schedule (advice appreciated):
7am- wake up
10-11:30am- nap 1
3-4pm- nap 2. I usually have to cap this nap
6pm- dinner
7-7:30pm- bath time, pjs, brush teeth
7:30-8pm- bedroom time. Night light on with lullaby music, no loud voices. Play with stuffed animals, read 2 bedtime books, 1 lullaby. Sleep sack, snuggle, turn off light and turn on white noise.
8pm- baby nurses to sleep. Transfer to crib.
Usually baby has 3 wake ups per night. He stays asleep in our arms but either wakes up immediately when transferred to crib, or wakes up anywhere from 5min-3 hours later.
My plan:
Step 1- move last nursing session to 30min before bedtime. Put baby in crib awake after his usual night routine. Let him CIO and hopefully he’ll remember how to do it???? Any of his night wakes the first few nights I will respond with nursing.
Step 2- baby has to stay in crib until at least midnight (no feedings or rocking back to sleep if he wakes up before). After midnight baby will be fed or rocked back to sleep if he wakes up.
Step 3- Start night weaning. Now baby has to stay in crib and fall back to sleep independently until 1am, then 2am, then 3am, etc. until he maybe only needs a “snooze button feed in the early morning, and eventually stop that one too.
Questions: -Is it a good idea to gradually remove feedings in this way? -should we do something like rocking to sleep to replace feeds or just let him CIO? -Do 1yr olds respond well to CIO, or should I try a more gradual method first?
THANK YOU!

Special thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.
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I'd also like to thank u/xskipy10 for their awesome fanart of the main cast as well as their recent Tohba meme and their fanart of Michael baysitting. You're work is a treasure!
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Thank you as well to u/Accomplished-Golf-59 for his take on Michael, Teylim, and Tohba in his submission for the Banner Art Contest, and u/Spacer_Catgirl4969 for their awesome music video featuring a pixel-art Dohkar in his bar. Be sure to give ALL of these awesome creators your love and support.
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And let's not forget u/Guywhoexists2812 who has been an awesome source of memes as well as sick pixel art, such as THIS and THIS!!!! And even THIS!!!!!! And how could I forget THIS!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!
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Today, we join Dohkar as he finally completes his mission and puts an end to the horrors of the Five Meadows Guild once and for all. Now all that's left...is to pick up the pieces...and prepare for whatever comes next... And finally...a family is made complete... LETTUCE...continue...
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First
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Previous
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Songs Mentioned/Used: N/A
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Memory Transcript Subject: Dohkar, Venlil Bartender Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I’m not sure what I expected to see or experience when I finally caught up to Albiel, but it wasn’t this. What I saw before me had me completely off-guard. Albiel, on the ground, with a plasma burn straight through his knee, and standing above him, was…
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“Jerrick…put…the gun…down…”
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I held my paws up, doing my best to talk him down. I hadn’t even SEEN Jerrick since the concert. Honestly, I hate him for what he tried to do to Mike, but looking at him now…all I felt as pity…
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His fur was stained from dirt, grime, and stars know what else. Just like Teylim, he had a collar around his neck, and his ears weren’t so much as pinned back, as they were just play glued back from all of the filth he’d no doubt been wallowing in this whole time. Albiel really did just lock him away in a cell the moment her was no longer useful.
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“HE DESERVES IT!!!”
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“I know. Believe me, I know. But this isn’t the answer.”
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Sure. I hated Albiel. I despised him. I detested him. And yes, I wanted to kill him, too. But for people like him, death alone isn’t enough. And it certainly wouldn’t help Jerrick in the long run.
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“Jerrick, listen to me. You’ve been through this exact situation before. At the concert, remember.”
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He flinched as soon as I mentioned that paw.
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“You could’ve hit that shit dead on. You and I both know it. But you missed on purpose, didn’t you?”
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Jerrick’s shaking got worse and worse. I could see the conflict happening behind his eyes. I could tell I was making progress when I saw the small twinkles building up in the corner of his eyes.
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Poor kid… Just a kid…
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“I…I-I just wanted a… j-just wanted him to-“
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“Be a father. I know… That’s what we all wanted. We were just pups, with no one to love us, to care for us, to help us grow.”
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At this point, I felt like I was talking to both of them now. I slowly took a step toward them, and then another, and another. I looked down at the pathetic monster at my feet. Bleeding…broken…and for the first time I think in his life…afraid…
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“We didn’t want some ‘grand purpose’. We didn’t want to inherit some empire. We just wanted a family.”
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I looked at Jerrick. I’d managed to get right next to him. I didn’t grab for the gun. I simply kneeled down beside him, and spoke calmly…
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“That’s why you missed, isn’t it? You saw what Mike had. You saw what you’d be taking away from them.”
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“It’s not fair… It’s just not fair…”
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“It never is…but you have to understand that you CAN still have that. I’m the proof. If I was able to walk away, and have a chance at a life and a family, then so are you.”
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For the first time, his eyes left his target and met mine. At that moment, I saw Jerrick for who he was, without any of the dogma, arrogance, or misplaced loyalty. He wasn’t an exterminator, PD patient, or a murderer. He was a child, just a child who lost his way.
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“You didn’t have to pull the trigger then, and you don’t now.”
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It was only then, that I held out my paw, and with more than a little hesitation, Jerrick handed it to me. Before I was tempted myself, I threw the thing down the hall. Before I could do anything else, I heard that same, smug, arrogant, if slightly choked up laughter coming from the absolute disgrace behind me. I turned to face my father, my abuser, my monster as his signature look of pride came back, his stupid horn glinting in the light of the building’s ceiling lamps.
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“So that’s it, then? Just like that? Where is all that rage and fire I saw in your eyes, when I held that sub-sapient primitive in my grasp, and threatened to find and kill that spawn of hers?”
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He’s baiting you.
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I know.
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“Even when you’re saving my life, you’re still a disappointment, Dohkar.”
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“I’m not saving your life, I’m just prolonging your death.”
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I held an arm out to shield Jerrick. I wasn’t going to let him bait me into attacking. Instead, I’d turn his stupid trick against him, and I wanted to make sure Jerrick was safe.
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“You don’t deserve to die, Albiel. You deserve to LIVE, to sit in a cell and rot just like all the others whose lives you’ve helped ruin, and watch as everything you built crumbles down around you. You’re no leader. You’re just a pathetic disgrace to weak to stand on your own if you aren’t stepping on someone else to feel taller. And I’m going to make you live with that fact for the rest of your miserable life.”
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And then, just a moment, the mask slips one last time…
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“I’LL KILL YO-“
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Whrp-prrrck!!!
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Before he can lunge at us with the last of his strength, my tail wraps around his neck, and before he can choke out another word, his head is slammed into the ground…at just the right angle…to snap that horn of his at the base.
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SLAM!!!
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CRACK!!!
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Just like that, it was over. Jerrick let out a shaky breath, staring down at our unconscious father figure. Before he broke down completely, I pulled him into an embrace. We just sat there, him crying, and me holding him in what was probably the first real hug he’d ever recieved.
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“It’s alright, son. It’s over… It’s over…”
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Eventually, he finally ran out of energy, and fell asleep. Once everything was calm, I placed a finger to my ear piece.
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“This is 1-2 Dohkar. VIP subdued. Objective complete. Patients evacuated. Hostages secured. All hostiles neutralized. Mission accomplished. Over and out…”
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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My head was slightly foggy. I was barely paying attention to what any of the medics around me were saying. All I knew was my leg hurt, my ribs hurt, my pretty-much-everything-else hurt…and I missed my joeys…
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“There you are! I was hoping I could catch you before they moved you.”
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I turned my head and saw a pleasant, familiar, face approaching the cot I was laid out on.
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Heeheehee. Handsome face…
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These painkillers must be really something…
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“Dohkar! You’re alright.”
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“Yeah… Mission accomplished. It’s finally over.”
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“Good. Wait. W-what about Tohba, Michael, and Khornel? I heard them over the loudspeakers but-”
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“Easy, Teylim. Don’t strain yourself. They’re fine. They’re already on the way here.”
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My mind was instantly put at ease for the most part. My body protested as I took in a long breath and let it out in a relieved sigh. They were alright. My joeys were alright.
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[Transcript Time Progression: 15 minutes…]
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“So I don’t think I’ve EVER seen YOU cry before.”
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“I’m never living that down, am I?”
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“Oh, absolutely not. The great, brave, oh so stoic Dohkar putting on the waterworks for Little Ol’ Me!”
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“Pfft. Please. I was just sobbing in despair over getting stuck with two pups to take care of.”
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“Ha Ha.”
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Before I could chuckle at our stupid banter, my body quickly reminded me why that was a bad idea.
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Ow! Ow. Yep. Still hurts to laugh.
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Dohkar looked up for a moment and looked off into the distance.
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“Huh. Speak of the devil.”
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“MAMAAAAA!!!!” “TEEEEEYYY!!!!!” “MS. TEYLIM!!!!”
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MY BABIES!!
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We need our joeys.
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YES!
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With some effort, I turned my head in the other direction, and almost broke down instantly at what I saw.
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My joeys…all three of them. I felt a paw on my shoulder before Dohkar left.
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“I’ll…leave you to it… I still have to visit Clem and a few others.”
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After a moment, the soldiers guarding the field hospital let them through, and they immediately sprinted to my side. I couldn’t have them in my arms fast enough. After a solid minute of their voices combining into a jumbled slurry of “Are you okay”s and “I’m so sorry”s, things finally calmed down enough for a full conversation.
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“Mama….”
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“My precious…”
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Michael slowly lowered my Tohba into my arms, and as soon as he clung onto me, it felt like a massive piece of my heart and soul had been restored. He was alive! He was safe! They found him! And now he was back in my arms!
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“MAMA!!! MAMAAAAAHAAAAA!!!”
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“I’m here, Precious. Mama’s here…”
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It hurt. My body protested against the weight of my joey. My arms burned and my breaths were still ragged, but I didn’t care. I held onto my Tohba like I hadn’t held him in cycles, placing lick after lick on the top of his head. Once I was content with my grooming, I held an arm out to bring my other two joeys in.
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“Michael… Khornel… Thank the stars, you two are alright…”
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“Tey…” “Ms. Teylim…”
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“I heard you two over the loudspeakers. You did so well. I’m so proud of you…”
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We stayed like that for a while. As much as holding them hurt, I just didn’t want to let go. We did finally break free of our group hug however, when one of the soldiers came along and gave Khornel a salute.
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“Are you Ms. Khornel?”
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“Y-yes… That’s me…”
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“One of the other patients is asking for you. Clem?”
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“YOU FOUND GRANDFATHER?!”
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“Yes. He’s currently receiving medical attention but he’s stable. I can take you to him if you like.”
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Khornel jumped to her feet and almost sped off right there, but hesitated after looking back at the rest of us. Michael simply gave her a nod.
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“Go. We’ll catch up.”
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Every single feather she had ruffled in excitement before she let the soldier lead her away. I tried to listen as she got further and further away. Eventually, I was able to hear her.
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“Grandfather!”
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“Little ‘Nel! My Little ‘Nel!”
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I couldn’t help but smile.
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I’m so happy for you, Dear.
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And speaking of dears, I looked back up at Michael. We were alone now, just the three of us. He’d been remarkably silent this whole time. Now though, once he was sure no one else could here, he broke down completely.
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“I’m sORrY, TeY. I aM so, SO, SorRY…”
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“Sssshhhh… It’s alright. Whatever for?”
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“I sHouLD’Ve bEEn tHeRE. I ShOUld’Ve BeEN aT tHe hOUse. I shOuLdN’T hAve-”
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“Hey… Hey… None of that… Michael, sweetie look at me…”
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Michael sniffled and wiped away his tears, doing his best to hold it together. His bright blue eyes were filled with regret, regret that was entirely undeserved. All I had to do to prove it was point out the joey in my arms, fast asleep.
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“You found Tohba. You kept him safe. You agreed to stay behind even if you didn’t want to. And when the time came, you all found a way to help without putting yourself or the others in danger. You could NOT have handled yourself better today.”
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I strained to raise up my free arm and cup the side of Michael’s face in my paw, wiping away another tear streak with my thumb. I looked into my son's beautiful eyes with all the love I could muster.
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“I am SO…proud of you.”
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Without another word, he held my paw in his hand, nuzzling into it with his cheek. I finally had my boys with me again. And for the first time in a long time…everything felt like it was going to be alright…
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Memory Transcript Subject: Tevis, Magistrate Intelligence Operative Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I walked around the grounds of the field hospital. All around me, human medics and professionals were tending to the patients and hostages. The raid had been a success.
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Albiel was in custody… UN Custody…
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Many of the other exterminators were deaf from WHATEVER THE HELL that human did over the intercom.
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I watched as a large Krakotl was led to one of the elderly patients by a soldier.
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“GRANDFATHER!!!”
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“Little ‘Nel!!!!”
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The two embraced, the smaller Venlil running his claws through her feathers.
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“My Little ‘Nel…”
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“I missed you so much, Grandfather. I’m so sorry I let you get-”
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“Don’t you dare blame yourself. I’m just glad you’re alright…”
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I shook my head and continued moving. So that’s another family that will need housing. Pretty much every patient here is going to be a personal settlement case all on their own, with, more than likely, PLENTY to say about the state in which they were held in…
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I watched a frantic looking Gojid enter the hospital constantly looking around.
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“Scolina?! Has anyone seen my daughter?! Scolina?!”
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The Gojid eventually made their way closer towards the Krakotl and old Venlil from before. One of the Gojid patients on a nearby bed seemed to hear his call.
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“D…Daddy…?”
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The two made I contact, and the younger Gojid was almost immediately tackle hugged by the elder.
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“‘LINA!!! My sweet little ‘Lina, I’m so sorry!!!!”
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“DADDY!!! DADDY!!!”
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They broke away from the hug for a moment as the older Gojid looked in horror at the burn scars covering the girl.
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“Oh, ‘Lina what did they do to you?”
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“They…said it would fix me… Am… Am I fixed now, Daddy?”
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Just hearing the words seemed to make the man break down entirely all over again.
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“There was never anything wrong with you… I should never have sent you to this place… It’s all my fault…”
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“Daddy…”
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Judging from the girl’s speech patterns, she must’ve been taken in while she was a pup, which meant lots of special education as well as whatever this human “therapy” was.
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What a load of sanctimonious-
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I calmed myself before I could go on a rant.
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After doing the rest of my rounds, watching more and more people reunite with their family members, I walked off and went make a call back to HQ. As far as I could tell, this was the rundown: The bar was now filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, the Guild Office was filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, Albiel was now in custody, there were still exterminators on the Guild roster that were MIA, pretty much all the patients were now out and able to give testimony, and I had a LOT more paperwork than usual to take care of.
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Yep! Just about NOTHING has gone to plan.
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Time to change that…
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[Warning!: You Are About To Access Restricted Files: Continue?: Y/N…]
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[The Following Is A Clip From A News Broadcast Archived By Magistrate Intelligence…]
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[The clip opens up on a well-groomed Venlil reporter behind a desk with the logo of “Prime News”...]
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“Tensions rise once more in the Soulroot District as events continue to heat up in their border village of Five Meadows. We here at Prime News have been following the events of what is now being labeled, ‘The Five Meadows Incident’ over this past month, starting with the failed assassination of a human refugee and seemingly ending with the temporary shutdown of the Five Meadows Extermination Guild as a whole. However, while the crisis with The Guild does seem to have passed, things are still not well in that small border town. We go now to our newest seeker, Rose McDermott, out in the field. Rose?”
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[The camera changes to view a female human reporter standing in front of what appears to be a border checkpoint…]
​
“Thank you, Talen. As anyone who has been following this incident with us would know, just two weeks ago, I was just actually IN the town of Five Meadows, just outside the former Guild Office, watching as patients, hostages, and soldiers alike were treated for their injuries and traumas. However, before we could get any interviews, we were quickly escorted from the premises by Interim Guard officials. And while The Soulroot Magistrate HAS released a public statement regarding the situation, their actions have led many to question their intentions, this checkpoint behind me being one chief example. As said in their public announcement, The Magistrate is now enforcing a full lockdown of Five Meadows, stating their intent to track down any exterminators who escaped the raid on their office and are still considered, “at large”. However, after the events of the Five Meadows Incident, many incriminating recordings being leaked online, as well as the upcoming election, many are wondering if The Soulroot Magistrate truly had the people’s best interests at heart. Back to you, Talen…”
​
[The camera changes once more to show the Venlil reporter. They seem to take a breath before reshuffling the papers on the desk…]
​
“Now…you all watching are more than aware of my opinions on such things as Extermination Guilds and Predator Disease Facilities. But…this is a news station. We can’t just sit here blindly theorizing and getting lost in conjecture. My opinions aside, and leaving just the facts alone, it is clear that what has happened in this small town is nothing short of tragic. And we here at Prime News will continue to cover these events as they unfold. And to any who are in or even from Five Meadows, our hearts and minds go out to you, and we hope you remain strong in these uncertain times. This is Talen with Prime News…signing off…”
​
[Clip ends…]
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 24, 2137
​
“I’d like to thank you for joining us today, Ms. Teylim. I do hope you’re healing well.”
​
I gave a smile to the kind man on the monitor as I shifted on the motel room bed.
​
“Thank you. It’ll still be a little while before my leg is able to be walked on normally, but otherwise, I’m healing well. Thank you, Dr. Jacobson.”
​
“I’m glad to hear it. Now then, onto the reason why I asked for this group session. It appears there’s been a slight breakdown in communication between you and Michael…”
​
I gave a confused look to Michael, sat on the other bed in the motel room. He shifted uncomfortably and simply looked down at his hands.
​
“What kind of breakdown?”
​
“It seems that ever since things have been…brought out in the open between you two, he’s stated that he’s been experiencing ‘guilty’ feelings whenever trying to express affection.”
​
“Is this true, Michael?”
​
“It’s just… I don’t know what it is. I felt like…like I was wasting your time…”
​
“Wasting my time?”
​
“Tey… Be honest… When…exactly…did you start thinking of me like your son?”
​
I did my best to think back. Honestly, after the first time he sang for us was probably the first time I felt something like that, but at the time, I just thought it was leftover mom hormones from having Tohba.
​
“Honestly, the first time I felt something akin to motherly love for you was after you sang for us the first time. You just…looked so sad, lost, confused, and scared, and I just…gravitated towards it. Afterwards, things calmed down somewhat, but when I really started feeling it was Thanksgiving.”
​
“Oh. I wasn’t aware that you tried having Thanksgiving. It makes sense in a way, though. That holiday, along with Christmas the following month, have great emphasis on spending time with one’s family.”
​
Suddenly, a horrifying realization popped into my head.
​
“Oh no! Michael, we forgot to celebrate Christmas!!”
​
“Tey, it’s fine. All the present deliveries got canceled, anyways.”
​
“It is not ‘fine’! We are celebrating Christmas! I don’t care if I have to drag a tree into this room myself!”
​
“Ugh… Fine…”
​
After a moment of laughing at ourselves, Dr. Jacobson continued.
​
Well, we’ve established that one end of these feelings truly began around Thanksgiving. What about you Michael? When would you say you truly started seeing Teylim as a mother figure in your life?”
​
“Honestly…I don’t know… Not for sure, anyways. In some ways, it feels like she’s always been that way to me, but maybe that’s just because even after just meeting her, she was already treating me better than my own mom did.”
​
Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. A part of me was giddy that he’d apparently always thought of me as a mother to him, another part was completely shattered by just how much his birth mother had affected him. It was like hearing his tale of abuse all over again.
​
“I think…once I got used to actually calling her that in my mind, that was when the idea actually became real. That’s when I really started thinking about her as my mom. Not A mom…My mom… But even then, I just…couldn’t say it, no matter how hard I tried. Like I said, in some ways it just…always felt like she was my mom. So when I think about how long it took me to actually start acknowledging it and expressing it… I just…feel guilty. I wasted so much time…”
​
I turned and sat facing toward him. I couldn’t let him truly believe that.
​
“Michael, it could’ve taken three days, three months, or three years. I would’ve accepted your love whenever you were ready.”
​
“But you shouldn’t have had to! You shouldn’t have had to wait for me just to get over myself.”
​
“Michael…”
​
“The fact is…you were right. That egg donor that gave birth to me isn’t my mom…you are…”
​
My heart skipped a beat as he looked straight at me, my mind filling with just those last two words.
​
I…am…
​
“You’ve done more to raise, love, and nurture me in three months than my birth mom did in TEN YEARS. And you DESERVE a son that’s actually capable of accepting your love and giving it back. And I just…wasn’t able to do that…”
​
I felt my heart breaking more and more. I had no idea he’d been feeling this way, and I wanted nothing more than to help him through it.
​
“But that’s over now. I’m done blaming myself for something that wasn’t my fault. I’m done letting the words of a monster dictate what I am. That’s why I want to keep having sessions with you and Dr. Jacobson. I want to get better. So that I CAN be the son you deserve.”
​
Oh, Michael. If only you knew. You already are.
​
With some mixed feelings, I pulled over my satchel. There was something I’d been meaning to give him for a while now.
​
“Michael, you are already a wonderful son, one I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’ve already said that much. And I’m so happy you’re committed to getting better. There is nothing I want more than your happiness. When you were about to leave, before the concert, I was so scared I was about to lose you. The way you so easily gave up like that…it scared me. It felt like…like I failed.”
​
“Tey, I-”
​
That’s why…”
​
I slowly opened up my satchel and pulled out a small packet of papers. They were a bit torn and faded after fishing them out of the wreck that was my office, but I managed to find them.
​
“I got these for you.”
​
I handed him the papers and watched intently as he read them. I won’t lie, most of it is legal mambo jumbo that even I can’t fully understand, but I could tell exactly when he got to the important bit. I’d memorized that one beautiful line:
​
I, Teylim Andrews do hereby fully and officially acknowledge ________________ as my-
​
“Tey… Are these…adoption papers?”
​
“You’re only half right.”
​
He looked up from the papers, his eyes full of shock and awe.
​
“You ARE a full, legal, adult, by both human and Yotul standards, so I can’t technically ‘adopt’ you. BUT, what we CAN do, as legal, consenting adults, is BOTH agree to sign these papers, fully acknowledging each other as family, me as your mother, and you as my son. This does a LOT of weird, quirky things involving Venlil law, mostly involving inheritances and insurance. BUT the most important thing, is that by legally becoming a part of my family, the door is open to you for FULL. CITIZENSHIP. You won’t have to be a refugee anymore.”
​
Michael was speechless, just looking back down at the papers.
​
“Tey, I… I don’t know what to-”
​
“You don’t…have to sign if you don’t want to…”
​
He looked back at me, waiting to hear me out.
​
“At the time, I’d only gotten these to show you as proof, proof that I really AM serious about this. I truly DO see you as my own, Michael. And paper or no paper, that much will never change. I truly, completely, and purely…love you. And I want nothing more than for you to be happy…”
​
I looked down at my own paws. I knew that presenting him with this choice meant having to accept the fact that he might say no. So, I just curled in on myself and braced for it…just in case.
​
“But…I know that you’re still healing. I was going to give these to you after the concert. But then you got shot, and even after that, you were still recovering. I wanted to make sure things were slightly calm again before going through with it. Now, I know it’s a big decision and I completely understand if you don’t feel comfortable-OOF!!!”
​
Before I could even react, I was pushed backwards, fully wrapped up in a giant hug.
​
“MIchael! What are you-”
​
“I’ll do it… I’ll sign…”
​
With just those five words, I found myself struggling to find a response. My heart was racing and I couldn’t even tell if I heard him right.
​
“You… You mean-”
​
“I want to sign! I want to be your son!”
​
For a moment, I was still paralyzed. My rapidly wagging tail was the first part of me to move before I practically dove into him.
​
My son! MY SON! MY SON!
​
“OH, MICHAEL!!!!”
​
I couldn’t contain myself. I hugged. I squeezed. I nuzzled. I licked. I kissed. I held…my son. MY! SON! And soon, not even a government official would be able to say otherwise.
​
And then…as if I needed any more confirmation. He uttered four more words. Just four. Four words that I’d never heard him say before, at least not together, and not toward me. Still, hearing him say those four words…the last time I remember being that happy…was when my Tohba was born.
​
“I love you, Mom…”
​
Did he just call us…?
​
Mom… Mom… MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!! HE CALLED US MOM!!!
​
“I love you so much, my joey! Mama loves you so, so, so much! Never forget that.”
​
“Mom…”
​
Our lovely, perfect moment was then interrupted by the only thing that could’ve made it more perfect. A small, adorable yawn came from the small crib behind us.
​
“Mama…? Whad goin’ on?”
​
I turned to see Tohba peeking through the bars at us. It appeared our little moment had woken him from his nap.
​
“Hmmm… Tell me, Michael. Now that things seem like they’re becoming official, is there anything you’d like to say to young Tohba as well?”
​
“\sniff** Yeah… I think there is…”
​
I watched with bated breath as Michael walked over and plucked Tohba from his crib, before sitting next to me. Tohba, for his part, looked really worried, probably because we were both complete sobbing messes.
​
“Mikey zhad?”
​
“No, Bud. I’m not sad. I’m happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
​
Tohba didn’t seem entirely convinced yet. He only seemed to get more worried when Michael composed himself and took on a somewhat serious tone.
​
“Bud? There’s something REALLY important you need to know. So, I need you to listen real close, okay?”
​
Tohba’s fear only seemed to grow. The last time Michael said something like that was when he left for Twilight Valley.
​
“Tohba… You…are the BEST…baby brother a guy like me could ever ask for. You hear me? The BEST…”
​
Tohba’s fear and worry seemed to go away for the most part, only to be replaced with partial confusion.
​
“Mikey…bwudhew…?”
​
We both almost broke again just from that one, adorable word. Michael was quick to confirm it, nodding frantically as he tried to hold it together.
​
“That’s right… And your big brother, Mikey loves you SO much, Tohba. SO…much… More than you’ll ever know…”
​
“Mikey…beeg bwudhew…”
​
Tohba seemed to take a moment to think, trying to truly comprehend the words he just said. Once he understood however, it was impossible to hide his excitement. His tiny tail became a blur behind him as his eyes lit up with glee. Before he could react, Tohba used his still developing hind legs to launch himself into Michael’s face.
​
“BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
​
“OH, JEEZ!”
​
In a flash, Michael was knocked onto his back, laughing as Tohba licked and nuzzled every inch of his face.
​
“MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW! MAMA! MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
​
That was it. That was what finally broke me. I sobbed openly and clapped as my Tohba shared the amazing news with me. Mikey IS beeg bwudhew.
​
Once his energy had wound down, Tohba saw fit to simply snuggle into Michael’s arms, letting out a long, contented sigh, as if anything that could’ve possibly been wrong in his tiny, perfect world had been made right again.
​
“Wuv you, Mikey… Wuv you Beeg Bwudhew…”
​
“I love you too, Bud. I love you so much.”
​
I couldn’t hold back any longer. I rushed forward…and held my boys in my arms. And in this one…perfect moment, I could only think one thing.
​
I love my boys. I love my family. I love my life.
​
Next

I am wanting to knit a very basic sweater in mohair and when I looked at this one on Ravelery, you can see in the second picture it shows increase lines. How can I avoid this?
Pattern: Novice Sweater Mohair edition

After making endless hats to learn, I'm now making a baby's cardigan . It starts from the bottom of the back of the cardigan with rib stitch which was fine and then just garter stitch forever.
I'm now getting to shape the neck and the pattern says:
"knit 18, turn, leave remaining on a stitch holder"
Which I understand. It then says
"work three rows decreasing one at neck edge in every row. 15 stitches".

1. When I've looked at decreases before there are lots of different types e.g. Left leaning decrease etc. It doesn't specify here just says "decrease" so does that mean it doesn't matter? I can just knit two together?
   
2. I don't understand where in the row I do the decrease / knit together. Where is the "neck edge", isn't the whole row the neck edge?
   

Pattern is "wool couture Emma baby jumper".
Thanks!

Sitting in bed ready for sleep but seriously frustrated with purling on dpns. I have no problem when knitting but I can’t seem to avoid ladders when purling. I’ve started this gnome hat about 6 times trying different dpns, magic loop and even flexi flips (with the last I seem to get ladders even when knitting so no surprise for me there). I really want to use dpns for the project and would rather not do my workaround of knitting the first 3 stitches onto the current needle and then moving them onto the new needle.
I’m knitting a gnome with this pattern: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/gnome-de-plume.
Any hints that don’t involve mixing stitches around on the needles would be amazing.
I’m treating this like a diary entry so I can get if off my mind and go to sleep 😀.
I've been knitting for close to 50 years now (started early) but there's always something to catch you out!
Thanks!

Hello!
My coworker is pregnant and I asked if I could knit some clothes for her upcoming baby (a boy but she definitely doesn't care about gendered stuff so I only say that because I'm not actively looking at dresses currently but she might not even care about that!) and she got very excited and (jokingly and with love) was like "if you can make him look stupid that would be even better" so I am wondering if anyone has pattern recommendations for baby clothes with silly patterns/clashing colors/things that are a little weird?
I'm on Ravelry of course but finding so many beautiful patterns and not enough that are just ridiculous. Give me your recommendations please!
Edited to add: I am an advanced knitter who has worked in a yarn store, complex patterns are completely fine and welcome.
Second edit: the main thing I have thought of so far is Fish Hat (Dead or Alive?) by Thelma Egberts but the pattern doesn't have a baby size! Just for an idea of silly things I am looking for.
Third edit: I work at a vegan establishment. I am not a vegan at all (and my coworker knows this) but I respect the vibe and totally didn't think about that when I mentioned the dead fish hat. Probably not looking for dead animal themed things just to be safe! That one is on me, whoops.

My daughter has finished her Senior Project- she organized people at her high school to knit preemie hats for our local NICU. She’s collected several and knit several herself according to the very specific parameters required by the hospital (no pets in the house, yarn type, size, pattern, color). Unfortunately the hospital has now told her they have enough and don’t want hers. It’s such a shame for these all to go to waste, not to mention she’s a former NICU baby and has been pretty excited about this project all semester and has worked hard. We’ve been anxiously looking for another NICU in our area but so far no luck.
Any recommendations where we could deliver these little hats and they’d be happily received?? We’re in the SF Bay Area but will gladly ship wherever. Thanks for reading! 🧶

I have a 10 week old boy who is sweet as pie. I love him sooooo much. However...he's mildly colic and cries... A lot. He gets to the point of the screech cry and it's absolutely gut wrenching and heartbreaking. I baby wear him constantly, we co sleep, EBF, I snuggle, hold, kiss, and love him as much as I possibly can.
I also have a beautiful 22 month old daughter. There are times I have to put my poor newborn down and he has to cry. Times when I'm putting my toddler down for her nap (diaper change, sleep sack, then place her in the crib- 5 mins tops) tending to her needs, she gets hurt, etc etc. I put him down and he screams and screams. I feel awful but I can't hold him 24/7 and I'm genuinely wondering if this could hurt his attachment to me? I know when he cries like that, it's distressing for him but my husband works in a construction field and is rarely home so it's just me 99% of the time. When he's home he helps a bunch! Mainly takiny over toddler duties so I can hang out with my son, etc.
With the colic he cries a lot even if I'm holding him and it's so hard and I know it's stressful for him and I'm really really trying to mitigate any attachment damage. I know it will get better, and when he's not crying he's Mr. Happy and coos and smiles and makes the cutest noises.
Anyway, does anyone have any experience or advice from the other side of colic and/or 2 under 2?
I love my babies so much and I can't give either of them the attention I want to it's hard to split right now!

I’m finally admitting it…I don’t like knitted clothes!!! Sweaters and socks end up either frogged or thrown into the back of the closet forever. But I love knitting! So I’m looking for engaging home decor patterns for an intermediate knitter. I’d love to cover my whole house in yarn, but idk what to do beyond some table runners and dish clothes. I love color and have a massive yarn stash, and love to try new things.
Does anyone have pattern suggestions for me? Ravelry’s selection is okay but nothing is really grabbing me.

I am about to start a colorwork sweater (Nightbook). I have previously tried 2 methods for swatching in the round: carry long “floats” across the back, so I only knit one side of the tube; or cast on ~2.25-2.5 times more stitches and knit a tube that is (hopefully) a little wider than 4”/10cm when flattened.
I don’t enjoy the long floats method, because the edges get so weird and loose, and the floats can get quite tangled (I try to leave them pretty loose so they don’t impact the drape of the fabric. I’ve also never washed one of these swatches.
I prefer the second method, but it takes longer because you double the stitch count, which is annoying (especially if I end up trying multiple needle sizes). And you know… I’m usually excited to get to the actual project!
Based on past projects, I’m guessing I’ll want to compare 2 needle sizes for this project. I was thinking of using the second method (a tubular gauge swatch)… but using needle size A on one half and needle size B on the other. So I would use 2 circular needles and switch between them half way.
Are there any downsides to swatching this way?

This week I wrote an autobiographical account of my history with sleep paralysis, RLS, and hypnagogic hallucinations.
I was not sure where to share it. I added it and deleted it from a few subs. The only place it ended up was the creative writing sub, though.
And this appears to be the right spot! There are several themes but the hypnagogia is the focus. So it's quite long and probably no one reads it and that's fine. I just wanted to find somewhere to put it in case my experience could benefit someone.
⚠️ ⚠️ WARNING first part is scary and a bit gory... ⚠️ ⚠️

Childhood

The first time that I encountered sleep paralysis was when I was nine or ten. I woke up screaming, my mind gripped with the sensation of searing pain radiating from my left big toe. Though my mouth wasn't moving, I could hear my own blood-curdling cries, echoing through the darkness. An eerie orange glow spilled into the room, illuminating a sinister cauldron at the base of my bed, around which stood three squat witches. Their dark, smoky faces shifted and morphed constantly, eyes glowing red like embers recessed deeply into the shadows of their crawling flesh, jagged teeth gnashing along with their discordant laughter as roaches crawled from their mouths and disappeared into their black straw hair.
Each witch held their own dainty knife and fork, shaking along with their trembling bony hands, and one was slicing expertly down the center of my big toe with the impossibly sharp blade of their knife. I struggled to move my arms and legs, feeling as though I had freedom of movement, but my physical body remained paralyzed. Unfathomable terror washed over me as I realized that I couldn't scream for help; my mom wouldn't hear me, and I was powerless to stop these witches from feasting on my toes.
I lay there, unable to break free from the oppressive paralysis, forced to endure the excruciating pain as my toes were sliced off and consumed. The air buzzed with the witches' terrifying, joyous laughter, as if they delighted in my agony more than the taste of my flesh. Eventually, my body in a full state of terror jarred itself awake, heart beating more wildly than I had ever experienced, my lungs struggling to gasp more than the tiniest breath. After perhaps a full minute of gathering myself, I drew a deep breath and screamed into the night.
My mother came, of course, but was unable to understand the depth and terror of my experience. Her own reality did not include anything close; for her, it was an exaggeration born of childhood fear, and she became exasperated after a time with my refusal to admit that it was a dream, despite being an extremely caring parent.
The witches appeared to me several times between the ages of 10 and 15, their ghastly faces returning to torment me with each episode of sleep paralysis. Every time, I would be trapped in that terrifying limbo, my body frozen while my mind drowned itself in screams of agony and horror. I knew that they would feast on my toes, the slicing of their knives relentless, inexorable. They would smack their lips and toast each other with my blood-covered flesh as I watched.
During those years, restless legs syndrome (RLS) also began to plague my nights. As soon as I began to drift off to sleep, a discomfort would arise in my legs, like there was a swarm of fat round beetles exploring, searching for an exit. A quick kick would settle it down, but it would rise again in a cycle of building tension, acutely uncomfortable climax, and brief relief of a second or two would follow before it began again. My mother, again meaning well but busy and unfamiliar with RLS, told me it was leg cramps and made me eat more banannas. This didn't help.
It became an increasing problem, stealing precious sleep that my young body needed to thrive. The frustration of RLS merged with the terror of a potential visit from the witches. Without medication, I would lose entire nights to the relentless discomfort.
By the age of 15, the sleep paralysis episodes had occurred at least 10 times, each leaving me with the gut-wrenching memory of being eaten alive that I would carry all the next day in my gut like a sack of bricks. As I lay sleeping, every single night, I wondered if they would visit, and braced myself for an encounter.

Early adulthood:

I can't remember how many times the witches visited before I finally stopped panicking. It was after countless God awful nights when I finally accepted that no matter how terrifying or painful the ordeal felt, I would be whole once it was over. I had survived the agony a hundred times before and could endure it again. One night, when the eerie glow of the cauldron illuminated their shifting faces, I felt a calm settle over me. I saw the witches, but for the first time, I wasn't afraid.
They noticed my defiance, their laughter fading into an uneasy silence. Without fanfare, they stood up, collected their cauldron, and retreated into the darkness of my room. Though I still saw them occasionally at the foot of my bed, they became more present than threatening. Sometimes, at the start of an episode, they'd appear briefly before disappearing altogether. They had become inconsequential, and I couldn't even be sure if they were there half the time.
In my early 20s, I discovered that I could almost guarantee a bout of sleep paralysis simply by sleeping during the day. At first, nothing particularly unusual happened, but the paralysis always returned whenever I dozed off, particularly between the hours of 11am and 2pm. I was often sleeping during the day because by then, the restless legs syndrome (RLS) had grown so severe that many nights passed without sleep at all. My body felt like it was full of angry snakes now instead of beetles, desperate to escape. The sensation soon crept upward from my legs to my arms. The cycles of build up, climax, and agonizly brief relief increased in frequency and magnitude. I would often resort to sitting in the shower, flipping the water from icy cold to scalding hot all night, simply to keep myself alert enough to avoid the twitching and spasming until the blessed relief of dawn arrived.
With the daytime paralysis came a variety of hallucinations. Sometimes the witches stood at the foot of my bed, other times they'd disappear, leaving behind benign apparitions like tickling gnomes. There was nothing threatening about these visions, and I began to find a strange sense of comfort in them. I would relax into a dark place where I felt my own energy burning like a sun, present but without physical form. In this state, I felt euphoric, fully aware yet separate from myself. I started taking naps during the day and eagerly anticipated this odd experience.
Yet at night, my sleep remained troubled as RLS tormented me. Eventually, I began taking ropinirole to manage the symptoms, and it brought much-needed relief, helping me reclaim my nights and giving me several years of mostly not worrying about RLS unless I forgot to take my medicine, or the odd night where it bothered me but was still less severe.

New experiences:

I spent several years relishing those euphoric moments of peace, where I could feel the pure energy of being alive without a personal history or identity. In those moments, everything else faded away, and all that remained was a brilliant, infinite energy. My waking life was absorbed by study of comtemporary and historical teachings of non-duality, and with my family and progressing my career as a software developer. I was absorbing Eckhart Tolle and Gautama, Meister Eckhart and Seuhn Sang and integrating their teachings into my daily life. The feeling inside of me that reality ultimately made no sense had found an expression, and I dug in every waking moment for a clue as to the true nature of experience. Given this context, I especially looked forward to and found solace in the experience of being impersonal, boundless energy.
In my late 20s, I also experienced a new type of sleep paralysis hallucination. One day it began that there were no visions or hallucinations; instead, I simply lay in a state of paralysis, aware of the room as a darkened and monochrome version of itself. I entertained myself by trying to move my arms and legs against the paralysis, and developed the idea that I had two bodies; my physical body lay on the bed, while my energetic body struggled and flailed. It was like my energy body could move separately, creating a phantom limb sensation. I felt my energy arms and legs extend out, yet my physical body lay still. As my energy body reached further from my physical self, it would snap back as if held by a rubber band.
Intrigued, I began experimenting with this phenomenon, managing to build enough momentum to "pop" out of my body one afternoon. Suddenly, I found myself looking down at my own sleeping form, resting on my back and breathing gently beside my wife, who was playing a game (probably Candy Crush) on her phone in the bed. It was surreal, and I wasn't sure whether I was hallucinating or truly perceiving my own body from a different perspective. Regardless, it was a revelation, and I felt a new sense of exploration as I gazed down at myself.
That first time, I found myself drifting through the house, checking on my two young stepdaughters as they slept. I had recently married, and it was a quiet weekend afternoon with everyone napping peacefully. Once satisfied, I ventured outside, where I took to the sky and flew around the neighborhood, spying on my neighbors. Though it felt like I was limited in speed, I seemingly had no constraints on the continuity of this hallucination. Everything appeared as a perfect physical representation of Earth, and I could travel without interruption.
The landscape was strikingly accurate, but it appeared in monochrome hues — grays, blacks, and whites — with no bright colors. Letters and numbers were unreadable, reduced to blurred nonsense. Despite these distortions, the sensation of soaring above the rolling hills and rooftops was pure euphoria. I sped along at hundreds of miles per hour, basking in the freedom of movement, and immersed in the stunning view that stretched out below me. There did seem to be some sort of very generous limit to how far I could travel, but I thoroughly explored within the boundaries for hundreds of miles around my home.
Over the years into my early 30s, I tried to pursue this opportunity of flight and exploration every chance I could. But during that time, my restless legs syndrome also became more relentless. In the past, no matter how agonizing the night had been, dawn would bring relief like a cold bath washing over me. I would sit outside and watch the sunrise, and the sensation of snakes slithering through my body would finally calm down, perhaps due to circadian rhythms and dopamine regulation. The cycles now began to climax in totally involuntary movement, spasms that caused me to tense my whole body and draw in a sharp breath every time. It would be 5 seconds of rapid buildup, spasm, a second or two of relief, repeat.
Eventually, even the dawn failed to provide respite, and I struggled during night or day whenever I relaxed too long or became even a bit drowsy. Napping became impossible, depriving me of the euphoric dreams I had learned to look forward to. I switched from ropinirole to pramipexole, hoping for relief. The medication helped me sleep five or six hours a night on good nights, but I still missed one or two nights of sleep entirely each week and rarely could nap during the day, because I took the medicine only a couple hours before bed.
Even though my restless legs syndrome worsened, one out of every ten times, I'd still manage to avoid twitching and drift into that state of peaceful paralysis during the day when I dozed off involuntarily. I gradually lost interest in pursuing out-of-body travel and instead sought every time the burning energy of the sun inside of me — the sensation of being infinitely powerful and formless simultaneously. I would retreat into this boundless feeling whenever I had the opportunity.
During these rare occasions when I could sleep during the day, I stumbled across a third type of experience. It felt like I was being sucked into space at impossible speeds, zooming past the planets of our solar system and beyond until I reached a darker patch of space. This spot seemed like a vast, corrugated sewer pipe that swallowed me whole. I rocketed through the universe, traveling at what could only be the speed of light. Eventually, I would break into the atmosphere of some unknown world, drifting down to its surface sometimes, others crashing painfully into terrain. Sometimes, I would hear a loud sound like an explosion in mid travel, and suddenly aterialize on another distant world without any sort of entrace.
These journeys were exhilarating, and each new landscape presented a mystery, revealing worlds unlike anything I'd ever seen.

The Traveling Years:

One of the first journeys I had involved zipping through space before drifting down through a hole in the top of a greenhouse. The world was painted in shades of orange and brown, its dirt swirling in powerful winds like clay cyclones. The greenhouse itself was dirty and grimy, almost opaque with crusted dirt, and filled with dense green plants — ivy and other dark green foliage that covered every inch inside. Outside, the orange sky churned with the swirling clay, making visibility nearly impossible.
I made my way down a ladder and emerged outside, where I found a man and a boy standing beside a white pinto horse. They both wore hardened leather over rough potato sack-like clothing, their long hair dotted with bone jewelry, their noses and eyebrows profusely pierced with other fragments of bone adorned with feathers. The man seemed to be instructing the boy on something to do with the horse. I approached them cautiously, fully aware of my lucid dreaming state and retaining all my memories, reasoning, and thoughts. Everything about the scene was vivid, from the clay dust swirling around to the squinting struggle to see in the wind.
Unlike the man and the boy, I had no long hair, no mouth covering, and no leather visor shielding my face from the swirling clay-dust. As I tried to speak, it seemed like they couldn’t hear me, and I wondered if I might be invisible to them. Unconcerned, I reached out to pat the horse on its nose, but before I could make contact, the man swiftly drew a long knife from his belt and stabbed me. He struck again, and the intense pain and feeling of my own scalding hot blood streaming down my pants legs snapped me awake.
Not long after my experience in the greenhouse, I found myself learning more about the worlds I could explore, though the opportunities remained rare. One day, I was transported to a beautiful blue tropical world, crashing into the dunes of a pristine white beach. There, I encountered three women, each towering over me at seven or eight feet tall. Their long black hair framed their pale faces, with blood-red lips striking against their alabaster skin. But what stood out most were their fingernails — long and crimson, curling back upon themselves dozens of times like spiraling ribbons. They were two or three feet in length and added a surreal menace to their presence.
They asked me my name and the name of my father, along with other odd questions, and seemed absolutely intriqued with me. There was a certain sort of heavy molasses quality to their voices that was more than sound and impossible to describe. It had the effect of making me feel drowsy and stupid and slow to move.
As I stood there, they began touching me with their nails, tracing them across my body in elaborate, almost ritualistic patterns. I felt my energy drain with every stroke, a profound exhaustion seeping into my core. The sensation was so intense that I woke up feeling completely drained, my limbs heavy and my spirit sapped.
Another time, I appeared without explanation after my space travel in a cavern brimming with glowing fungi and luminescent crystals. I wasn't myself in this world but instead had taken the place of someone else. My father stood beside me, guiding me through the luminous landscape. He taught me how to identify the bizarre and fascinating flora surrounding us — lessons that etched themselves into my mind and last to this day despite the surreal, made-up nature of this world. The glowing crystals and fungi cast eerie shadows across the cavern walls as my father explained the properties and uses of each.
In real life, these experiences would last for about five to eight minutes, but in the dream realm, the passage of time was different. What seemed like mere minutes could stretch into hours or even days, and in rare cases, the dreams spanned much longer.

RLS becomes terrible:

I had a new busy career, an infant daughter, two active growing stepdaughters, and a wife with a hectic job, and I struggled hard through the years between 35 and 39. Each night was pure torture, as restless leg syndrome robbed me of sleep. Days of sleep deprivation left me barely functioning, often teetering on the edge of collapse while the disease gnawed away. The unrelenting discomfort made it impossible to fall asleep, even as my body craved rest. I had no choice but to continue, as I had yet to find a doctor that knew how to move past the ropinirole and pramipexole stage of treatment, and these medicines had almost entirely ceased to be effective for me. My love for my family drove me to conceal the intense effort that day to day living had become. I managed to keep up with my career by farming a prescription for Adderall. I don't have ADHD, so it had the effect on me of methamphetamine and allowed me to push through the God awful existence that life had become.
The toll became overwhelming. I couldn't escape the agony, even after days of desperate attempts to sleep. More than once, I ended up in the emergency room after going four or five nights without sleep. For some people, this will seem like an exaggeration; I assure you, it is not. I would be nonsensical, having conversations with people tha weren't in the room, drifting in and out of intense 1 second dreams before snapping awake with painful spasms. At the hospital, they would give me percocet, and the painkillers provided brief reprieve from RLS for some reason, allowing me one solid night’s sleep, but the relentless cycle quickly resumed, leaving me struggling once again.
Eventually, I found a neurologist who prescribed Neupro patches that provided temporary relief. For a few months, I managed to sleep more consistently, but the patches quickly lost their effectiveness. It wasn't until I added methadone to the treatment that I finally found more lasting relief.
During those difficult years, I immersed myself in non-dual philosophy. In that crucible of suffering, my conviction solidified: my true nature was more aligned with the energy hallucinations I experienced than with a body made of skin, bone, and brain. That transcendent energy, more real and enduring than the physical form I occupied, became my identity in daily life, watching peacefully as my body and brain navigated the situational complexity of life.
Approaching my 40th birthday, I found that I could sleep at night and dream during the day. My life was in good shape, I lost 60 pounds without effort, and I felt fundamentally and imperturbably peaceful. Suddenly, life was in the palm of my hands, every moment pristine and still and perfect. I felt weightless without the burden of needing to endure trauma every night.
Most importantly to this story, I worked from home and could nap on my lunch breaks.

Rapid learning through iteration:

Rarely, I would fail to nap at all due to RLS. Sometimes I would simply doze off and wake up 10 minutes later to my cell phone alarm. But three out of five times, I would travel.
I visited dozens of worlds in a matter of a few short months and quickly was able to confirm some rules that I had suspected were true from my previous adventures.
One rule is that no one I know in real life ever shows up in the travelling dreams. No matter the place or circumstance or strange beings that I encountered, there was never a familiar face.
Another rule was that no dream person ever had a name or a father. The absence of both seemed to be an unspoken universal truth among these dream world inhabitants. Once I had internalized the significance of this, I began introducing myself to most beings that I encountered as "John, son of Michael." It left a strong impression. My name and lineage seemed to set me apart, bestowing an almost mythical quality upon me that earned me a peculiar reverence among all that I met. This knowledge became the key to navigating the dream worlds with confidence and a consistent purpose of discovery.
I learned accidentally of a unique ability during my travels: a form of telekenesis that allowed me to project force from the palms of my hands. This development led to many episodes of paralysis spent ignoring exploration and instead hilariously and painfully attempting to master this ability for the purpose of travel. Over time, I refined my skill, learning to fly much like Iron Man, but solely through the focused propulsion from my hands. Without stabilization from my feet, I had to carefully control the angle of projection and the amount of force applied to control my trajectory and speed.
Mastering this ability took significant practice, but eventually, I could navigate obstacles with ease and travel great distances in short amounts of time. I also no longer crash landed, thankfully. Importantly, I could harness this power to overcome any threatening beings that I encountered. Previously, my best option was to hide or flee, and that did not always work out. Now I had this amazing sense of fearlessness and confidence that simply cannot be rivaled by real world experience. Every time I heard the buzzing sounds and felt the WUM WUM WUM of energy as I prepared to launch into space, I embraced the journey with eager anticipation, confident in my ability to protect myself and learn about whatever strange world awaited me.

To Present Day:

As I grew more confident in my ability to travel almost at will, I began to incorporate spirituality into my experimentation. One day, on a whim, I expressed to the universe that if there were a being that had my best interests at heart and loved me fully, then I gave them permission to guide my dreams and lead me to greater truths, even if they were uncomfortable. This openness led to a new experience immediately, and I began to preface many of my journeys with a similar, simple prayer.
That first time, I fell down instead of up -- into myself, into the infinite dimensionless darkness where I could spin and burn and bathe in the euphoric sense of my own eternal nature. But my peace was quickly interrupted by an intense feeling of pressure at the base of my spine, though I couldn't have pinpointed where the body was that the spine inhabited. Very, very slowly, with a CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA noise for every milimeter of ground gained, it crawled upwards towards my head.
As it climbed, the energy below it intensified, growing exponenentially as the surface area covered grew. It wasn't painful, exactly, but it was terrifyingly intense. That first time, I managed to stay calm long enough for it to reach my shoulder blades before it became unbearably frightening and I jerked myself out of it, sure that I would die if I allowed it to continue upward. Over the last few months I have vowed to myself that I would endure any level of discomfort to see what happens at the end, but I keep chickening out. I have let it go as far as the base of my skull, at which time my head started vibrating so much that I could feel my teeth chattering violently even in my paralysis.
Another time recently when I made this prayer, I went to space as usual, but when I entered the atmosphere of a lush Earth-like world, my telekenesis failed me for the first time ever. Instead, I was pulled like in a slow tractor beam down beneath the perfectly round canopy of a giant, unfamiliar kind of tree. I felt a great sense of calm and peace and simply meditated there for quite some time, maybe 9 or 10 hours of relative time, before I heard a voice from behind the tree.
The man who stepped out from there had his face hidden in shadows. He wore a long dusty leather coat and a huge cowboy hat that shrouded him. As I write this, I find that I am not yet prepared to write about what he said to me, or how I responded. But when we had spoken, he walked solemnly over to me and lay his hand upon my head, and I jerked awake in a state of perfect bliss, despite some conflicting emotions surrounding our conversation. I call him Cowboy Hat Man, and maybe I will write more about him later.
A third time with the prayer, right before I sped off to my normal adventures, I felt a cat jump onto my bed and snuggle against my left leg, purring. It curled up there, and I assumed that it was my actual cat in real life, although it would be very uncharacteristic for him. I actually thought to myself, "Wow, I guess Buddy Socks is my spirit guide today." However, when I awoke, I realized that my door was shut and the cat was not in the room. On that trip, I went to a world that was reminiscent in quality perhaps to 15th century Europe, except on a world where the surface was far more underneath water than on Earth.
I followed the invisible cat to an old man and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He answered, "No." I followed the invisble cat to young boy and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He also answered, "No." It was an odd one, really.
Every time I do this, I am setting an alarm for ten minutes. Sometimes the dreams last days in relative time, but I have never yet failed to wake up before that alarm goes off.

Present Day (like seriously earlier this week is what me want to write this):

I lay down eagerly for my lunch break nap, hoping to avoid the disappointment of an off-day. I flew into the atmosphere of a world that seemed to made of rock, with nothing growing on the surface. However, I caught glimpse on the surface of a bright spot, and when I descended, I found that somehow there was a relatively thin crust of sorts around a hollow inside-world.
I lowered myself slowly through a great opening in that crust, down into a lush jungle. It was beautiful but uncomfortably humid, and I quickly found a cool and dry cavern complex to explore rather than dealing with sweat and unfamiliar insects.
As I navigated through the cavern system, able to see somehow with dim light despite no obvious light source at times, I broke out into a very large open cave with a huge exit out into the jungle. I saw that it was dawn and realized that I had spent the night, however long it was on this world, in the caves.
Suddenly, my four year old daughter, Curly, with her naturally bleach-highlighted rings of long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, drifted slowly over my left shoulder and out towards the exit. She moved at a brisk adult walking pace, her back to the cave opening, her expression curious yet slightly concerned. She called out, "Dada?" in a tone that suggested wonder and slight confusion, but no real alarm in the presence of her father.
Reacting instantly, feeling my gut clench solid into a fist of rock, I used my telekinesis to close the gap between us and gathered her into my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and settled her butt onto my forearm, a ritual that we have practiced every day of her life. The force gripping her evaporated instantly, and suddenly, my darling girl was there in my arms, as real as any physical embrace. I could feel the tickle of her hair on my neck, the beautiful warmth of her skin, and was enveloped in her familiar scent.
Initially, I was filled with white hot rage, fueled by my instinctive reaction to the thought that some idiotic dream world inhabitant had decided to mess with my family and harm or kidnap her. But as I held her and she nuzzled her nose into my neck, the anger gave way to sheer amazement. For the first time in a decade of navigating these dreamscapes, someone that I knew from my waking life had entered the dream. This was a rule-defying moment that really rocked me, a serious breach of the established norms of these experiences.
A group of maybe 8 or 10 small winged goblins flew down from out of sight above the top lip of the exit and fluttered into the room, laughing in a very non-threatening way. They radiated a sense of innocent mischief, and my fear and anger subsided and gave way to annoyance. I whipped my right hand out and blasted a huge hole in the cavern wall to my right, startling Curly into a yelp. Unphased, I raised my voice and demanded, "Who is your King? I am John, son of Michael, and this is my daughter and she WILL NOT BE TOUCHED AGAIN."
The goblins scattered, their merriment giving way to concern that I might blast them into dust. Behind me, a deep chuckle seemed to rise from the ground itself. A voice echoed in the cavern, neither kind or cruel, full of what felt like wisdom, though that doesn't make sense in the waking world.
It spoke: "I am Eloxman, and I am their King." At hearing him announce his name, my head whipped around in the dream and in real life so hard that I woke immediately with a sprained neck that is still bothering me. I looked at my phone and saw that there were two minutes and fourteen seconds remaining in my ten minute window. I lay on the couch in shocked disbelief: Curly was in my dream, and someone had a name. As I replayed it over and over in my head, I realized that Eloxman was still speaking. I think he may have been preparing to provide the name of his father.

The End:

Sorry, that's actually it. I am going to just see if this continues somehow, but if it does not, then I might get creative with it and make up my own ending. I hope that you enjoyed this if you read this far!