Love bubble letters

Hey you guys, I am 18 year old recent hs graduate and this summer is the summer before I begin college. Some background information is that I got accepted to a school far out of state and I received a full ride with it as well and of course I accepted it, but that's not the apart of my dilemma. The week following the acceptance I received a letter from this said college offering me an opportunity to go to their school and live there as apart of a summer program for five weeks before school starts in July, basically being a summer school of sorts. Now comes into my dilemma, I for one am a happy for this opportunity because its allowing me to visit the school before school starts in the fall and allowing me to get accustomed to the area and I am stoked about going, but the problem here is of many...
Now look, it's an opportunity that is worth a lot as it lessens the load on my freshman year and it gives me some extra cash as a pay back, but the problem here is the time. Five weeks to me is crazy, I for one don't think it should be that long considering its summer that we are talking about and I will be leaving my friends back home for a summer that should be memorable and leaving all that for five weeks of school?? To me that's crazy.
The second issue here is my life as it is. Something I didn't mention before is that prior to me actually reading the letter, was that my mom got to it first. Now to sum it up very quickly is that she read the letter first, then showed it to me, then pushed me to join without her giving me time to think on it, and eventually made me fill out paperwork accepting it and eventually told the whole family. Now I love my mom dearly but this made me kinda of frustrated for the reason on how she pushed on it. To first point before anything is said, my mom is a very awesome mom and she tries her hardest to make it in this world, but sometimes she struggles on understanding certain things. Being completely honest I would want to stay here, knowing that this is my last normal summer, I genuinely want to spend it here, but now brings into another factor. Alright to sum it up very quickly I basically met the loml and I don't want to lose her so quickly based on the month I have left, I've gone out with her a couple times but she is yet to be mines but the problem is that I want to spend this summer with her because I genuinely never felt this way for a person before and I don't know how our relationship will be after I get back from that program if I choose to go through it.
Now this has made me kinda upset because I really don't want to lose this one, but at the same time I don't know what to do with so much pressure from my mom, to the pressure of what life will look for me, and to what life back home will be like. Hopefully whoever reads this, maybe a parent with a teenage boy who went off to college, or just someone who has advice I would greatly appreciate a comment or even a pm of just advice in general.
Thank you and may whoever reads this have a good night/day!

Any age is acceptable, because it’s the person that matters more! However, I connect really well with and prefer older men. i'm a bubbly and warm person that loves a dominant guy. I love writing, nature, spirituality and I am pretty romantic. Ideally i like open relationships where we can both explore other people

Hey everyone,
A bit of an introduction: I left my religion four years ago during the Covid lockdown. With a lot of free time on my hands, I researched the Quran and its interpretations. Even before that, I was never very religious, but reading inaccurate scientific verses and encountering barbaric practices was the final nail in the coffin. After struggling to find meaning in life, I embraced deism and chose to live peacefully, without worrying too much about social or religious issues in my country. I essentially live in a bubble.
My family is less religious than moderate Muslims, except for my eldest sibling, whom I rarely see. We don't pray, believe that hijab should not be forced upon anyone, and support secularism. Despite this, they still consider themselves Muslims, which is fine by me.
I’m quite comfortable in my social circle. My friends range from moderate to religious, which is understandable in a Muslim-majority country. I'm content with my current situation. I live in a very urbanized area, essentially the capital of the capital, where Muslims are a minority. Even when I encounter Muslims here, they tend to be non-religious based on their attire and lifestyle.
I've been dating a girl from a semi-rural area. We met online, and initially, I was skeptical because she wears a hijab. However, I decided to give it a shot because she is very much my type: cute, petite, and intelligent. Early in our relationship, I subtly indicated that I'm not very religious, by going to the gym when most Muslims would be preparing for Maghrib, not talking about Islamic stuff. She even joked during Ramadan, asking what I was having for lunch in a funny manner . Once we got closer, we had discussed how the government uses religion to win votes, and talked about LGBTQ rights. We were very much on the same page. When we hang out, she doesn'tt pray like she did on our first date. We'd go out from 9 AM to 10 PM without stopping to pray. She's comfortable with physical contact like holding hands, hugging, and even kissing (cheeks and forehead), all consensual.
Things have been going well for almost a year and a half until she started hinting that she wants me to be more religious. She began with comments like "You're not perfect, but I accept you as you are," progressing to "You're not perfect, but I can teach you things and we can improve together." I know she's referring to my irreligiousness. Once, while discussing meditation and Buddhism, she seemed annoyed and said, "We're Muslim, right? We follow Islamic values." That was the first time I saw her not being herself. I kept a straight face and laughed it off. Last night, we were talking about our goals and marriage plans for the end of this year. She mentioned wanting to do everything together—grocery shopping, movies, raising kids, growing old, and praying together. I just replied with a "yeah," and I think she knows I wasn't on board with the last one.
I feel like I'm at fault here. I didn't give her enough hints, and I didn't tell her the truth that I'm not a Muslim. She might only continuing dating me because she thinks she can fix me. I'm fine living with a moderate Muslim; I can always hold my tongue and nod when I don't agree with someone's opinion. I've never cared about other people's religion and never tried to convert people to atheism, deism or wahtever. I've been doing that for over 20 years in this country. I don't mind not outing myself or having as many freedoms as a non-Muslim. I thought we could find a middle ground in our relationship, where I dont talk about her faith and she doesnt talk about mine.
I've been thinking a lot lately about whether to marry her. I can always find a new girlfriend, but it hurts to leave someone who truly loves you. Finding a new girlfriend in this country might not fix anything. At worst, I'll find someone more religious. At best, I'll find someone with the same level of tolerance as her. Filtering for less religious girls almost always shows party girls who drink and smoke. While that's not necessarily bad, I just don't think a girl that is closing to 30, still focusing with party and not being financially stable is a good wife material.
Dating a non-Muslim isn't an option for me. I once dated a Chinese girl who liked me for thinking differently compared to other Muslims and having a very rare attraction towards my light brown skin. We broke it off because we couldn't see a future together; her family wouldn't agree to her marrying outside her race, let alone converting just to marry me. Unless the country changes the law on interfaith marriage, there's no hope for that.
Right now, I'm just not sure if she's the best I can get.

I saw this post on the mbti memes page and decided to make a post on a system I’ve always thought about with regards to MBTI, especially whenever I see posts like this or someone asking for help confused about the type they are.
MBTI is a science but not an exact science because though it has elements of truth, it doesn’t always tend to truth.
When you understand the functions it can tell you a lot about yourself. But I wonder if the 16 type system, according to a specific order of functions is too limiting.
The arguments people usually give against MBTI is that categorizing people into 16 personalities isn’t realistic as there’ll always be blurred lines in between these personalities. Which is true.
As an example out of all the function collections I know I identify with the collection: Ne, Ti, Si and Fe the most out of all the others.
This means I’m either: INTP (Ti, Ne, Si, Fe) ENTP (Ne, Ti, Fe, Si) ISFJ (Si, Fe, Ti, Ne) ESFJ (Fe, Si, Ne, Ti) depending on my order of usage.
I was typed INTP when I first stumbled on mbti using 16p. But ever since learning about functions and positions (and that being I or E is about being extroverted or introverted cognitively and not socially), I’ve been confused between INTP and ENTP. Immediately ISFJ and ESFJ fall out of the list because Si and Fe would never occupy one of my top two positions.
I personally feel like the order for me is (Ti, Ne, Fe, Si), which doesn’t have a category of its own and would mean I’m some sort of IENTP hybrid. I think Fe used to definitely be inferior for me when I was younger but since growing up, even though it still doesn’t come naturally to me (which how the function usage is evaluated) I’ve developed it a bit to the point that I can summon it at will, even though I can be quite awkward still. As for Si, I’m a planner and have to have structure and organization, but I rarely actually execute any of my plans. I have a general sense of knowledge but my short term memory is too poor even though I randomly remember things from the past in great detail.
Honorable mention Fi: I’ve heard Ti finds Fi irrational but I’ve never been this way. My Ti makes me very empathetic because although I value things making sense to me, I’m logical enough to appreciate that we’re all just wired differently when it comes to people and what is important to them when making their decisions.
My value system is summed up in this: let people do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anybody or anything. I hate seeing people suffer and wish I could play God and have everyone happy everyday. I cry easily at unfair things that happen to others. People with no regard for others (from governments to criminals to unreasonable people) make me angry. I’m not too sure of what Fi entails but I believe it could belong somewhere in my top 4? Another thing is how people have varying interpretations of these functions as well lol.
Apart from standardizing the functions, shouldn’t there be some sort of system categorizing people according to the functions they personally assign to each of the four (Dom, Aux, Ter, Inf)? Of course after understanding the functions and positioning system.
It could even be according to the 8 positions. Obviously 16 types are easier, opening the system up to any arrangement of the 8 would mean 8 factorial number of types which would mean about 40,000. Personality typing should give you a sense of who you are not build a personality profile detailed enough to be sent immediately to your therapist for evaluation. In that case an arrangement of the 4 functions would suffice as that would be 4 factorial, which is 24 number of types.
We don’t even have to completely abandon the 16 type system. It could be an umbrella system still giving people an initial idea/benchmark of who they’re interacting with and themselves. But then if you want to zoom in a bit more, then there would be types within types. Think about a colour picker system that doesn’t draw harsh lines but instead takes into account where lines might blur.
INFP INTP ENTP ,———,———,———,———,———,———,—— B C INTPA B C ENTPA B
For example I could be INTPC (meaning I share most of my function positioning with the INTP type but still deviate in a way that it tends towards another type’s usage of functions) which means while I’m INTP I’m close to being an ENTP as well. or INTPA which means I deviate towards INFP. Of course this particular system doesn’t mean anything as people could deviate towards any type, but there are probably a finite number of types that you’d deviate to; any others and you’d have to consider you may just be another type entirely.
I could be wrong but I don’t see INTPs deviating to ESTJ or any of the sensing types at all. It’s more likely ENTP, INFP, INTJ and sometimes INFJ when Fe is very developed? There’s probably some insight in the types that types commonly mistype as well. Putting some time and effort into understanding mistypes could provide the backbone of the deviation system? For example a hypothesis I have is that it is usually a deviation by one letter (with N or S not taken into account) because of how clear that usually is. So ESTJ: ENTJ, ISTJ, ESFJ and maybe one other anomaly.
Try doing this on your type and seeing if it works or you’ve always identified with one of these three other types. Have you ever identified with your sensor or intuitive counterpart?
Now even after saying all this you know the mbti evaluation system I love the most because of how uncomplicated it is? Taking the four letters very literally. Forgetting functions and just classifying people as introverts versus extroverts, fact-facing vs pattern-facing/imaginators, tending to logical or feeling, and planners or procrastinators. Koreans do this a lot, I’ve seen. It’s less about functions for them and more about the information they can get from a person by just knowing the four letters they’re presented with. They take them at face value which (although people swear is wrong and not accurate!) actually does provide a general insight into how a person is and maybe even how to deal with them.
With the face value system, I’m: - very clearly ambiverted and get drained around people and recharge during alone time so introverted - definitely an intuitive and not a sensor as I favor connection, abstraction of ideas and induction as well in addition to deduction based on facts - appreciate that we’re all wired differently and don’t see anything wrong with feelers and what’s important to them but came to this conclusion logically and value things making sense to me; so thinker - and very clearly a procrastinator.
16p was right with this system; INTP no questions asked.
What do you think about all I’ve posited? And based on this write up, am I INTP or ENTP?

hey guys, I know this sounds really stupid, but I really needed advice and I am in a foreign country all by myself and have no one else to talk to. so my boyfriend and I decided to go on study abroads because he really wanted to go to a country that he’s studying the language of and I wanted to go to a country that I always loved and had a connection with so right now we have a seven hour time difference and have not seen each other since January. We have been together for a little under a year and a half and have been fighting for the past three months due to communication or lack there of. he is a very independent person and does not like to text or talk a lot unless it’s in person. Which brings us to our problems. I want to talk to my significant other and have calls or text throughout the day even if it’s not a lot however he doesn’t feel the need to since he communicates with his family every three days and says that’s how it should be. We have weekly dates which I typically plan or remind him, and we also have nightly calls. Those range a little on the longer side for my sake, he says. he has told me that he would text me throughout the day however I caught onto the fact that he never does unless I do first and I had a relationship like that before and it didn’t end well and he knows that. yesterday I texted him in the morning to our conversation that we previously had and did not say good morning just texted him. I had not heard back from him until he called me that night at 4 AM after he got back with his friends and we talked and I brought up the fact that he says that he would text me if I gave him the opportunity. he got really upset at the fact that I tested him and I rely and or wait on him for a text. he then flipped a switch and said is it a crime to want to hang out with my friends which I responded no and I had no problem with him hanging out with his friends I would just like to be a part of his day, which he does not believe can be possible because we are abroad, and I shouldn’t need to be part of his day. He said that he has friends and he’s sorry that I don’t have many friends on the study abroad, but that’s not his fault. I told him if he’s gonna keep being mean then I don’t think we would work. I hung up. I texted him about 40 minutes later saying hey I love you. You know my rule is not to go to bed angry but please call me in the morning so we can talk. I went to bed and woke up to no call or text. so I proceeded to text him saying hey please call me. He then ignored it, went on a run and called me afterwards saying we need to break up. I personally don’t believe that we should break up and I think this is a rash decision because midterms are coming up and he is stressed. as well as I see him in a week as I fly to his country. he told me that he does not want to see me that I should cancel all of our trips because (we have an upcoming trip where he will come and see me at the end of his study abroad so we can go back home together since we have a house that we are renting at our Uni) we are broken up and he does not feel like we should see each other. I asked him if there was any possibility of us getting back together he said no, I asked about our house, Our friends, our friendship and he is undecided. I called one of his friends. He thinks he is also stressed and is making a rash decision. I read himy thoughts and how I believe we should try one more time and he thought the letter was really good and we would stay together. However, I know my boyfriend and he is very stubborn once he makes his mind up to something he will not change it so Am I the Asshole not wanting to break up?

My (24F) ex boyfriend (25M) and I met on Hinge in March. We became very close in the span of two weeks after our first date. After becoming official at the end of March, he decided two weeks later that he was not ready for a relationship and needed time to focus on himself spiritually, physically, financially, etc. He has asked to write letters, but we have texted and called here and there.
This concept ruined me. I was upset, confused, lost, because I did allow the honeymoon phase to affect my feelings and quickly said I love you. He reciprocated. I am still angry at him.
I am not asking for criticism about our relationship, how fast things have happened, etc. My parents are the issue here. The night he met my father, was the day he would break things off (until he could read the Bible front to back and “when life is back in normal standing”).
My mother and father forbid me to see him. My mother is far more unsupportive and wants to weigh-in. She has threatened to take my car keys. He lives in the twin cities with an extreme crime rate. I would not dare drive to his apartment anyways.
My mother is a thorn in my side. Every time I bring up letters (he’s written 3; 2 emails) she gives me a look like I’m crazy. I have avoided talking about him at all costs. For some context, my mom and I have always clashed, she is not supportive as I am Christian and she is an atheist.
He has promised to rekindle in the beginning of July after his move (where he lives is not safe and too expensive).
Help. I live with my mother so my independence is not fully there. I have never wanted to listen to her and even more so now. I crave independence.
Her anger may have rubbed off on me for a time, but I love my ex and I don’t see him the way she does. I cannot see myself with anyone else as he is my first real relationship. He has too many responsibilities in June which is why I can see him and I’m glad for more time apart after thinking about it because we truly were obsessed and rushing into things. We will set boundaries once we reconnect.

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Joy in the Scriptures: Discovering Biblical Joy Through God’s Word
Introduction: The Pursuit of Joy
Joy is an elusive yet essential aspect of human existence. From the exuberant laughter of a child to the soulful contentment found in a deep relationship with God, joy embodies a spectrum of human experience that everyone yearns for. But how do we find true joy that transcends circumstances? Let’s explore what the Bible says about this invaluable state of being and uncover powerful verses that emphasize the essence of joy.
Finding Joy in the Lord
In the Bible, joy is often intertwined with our relationship with God. The Apostle Paul, despite facing numerous trials, wrote extensively about joy. One of the best-known verses on this topic is:
– **Philippians 4:4** – “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”
This verse isn’t just a recommendation—it’s a command. Paul emphasizes the importance of rejoicing, particularly in the Lord, which speaks volumes about where true joy originates.
**Reflection Question:** How do you find reasons to rejoice in your daily life? Do you draw joy from your relationship with God?
Joy in Every Circumstance
One might wonder how joy can be maintained in difficult times. The Bible offers an answer in James:
– **James 1:2-3** – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
James isn’t suggesting a superficial happiness in suffering. Rather, he’s pointing toward a deeper understanding that trials produce growth, endurance, and ultimately, joy. This joy isn’t dependent on circumstances but on the spiritual growth and intimacy with God that results from them.
**Reflection Question:** How can you view your current challenges through the lens of producing perseverance and joy?
Joy as a Fruit of the Spirit
Joy isn’t merely an emotional response; it’s a fruit produced by a Spirit-filled life. The Book of Galatians lists joy as one of the fruits of the Spirit:
– **Galatians 5:22-23** – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
When we walk by the Spirit, joy naturally becomes part of our lives, akin to fruit growing on a tree. This joy surpasses momentary happiness and is rooted in our spiritual connection with God.
**Reflection Question:** How can you cultivate the fruit of the Spirit, particularly joy, in your daily walk with God?
Joy in Salvation and Eternal Hope
The ultimate source of joy for believers is the salvation and eternal life given through Jesus Christ. Peter talks about this in his letter:
– **1 Peter 1:8-9** – “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
This “inexpressible and glorious joy” stems from the assurance of salvation and the hope of eternal life. It’s a joy that cannot be fully comprehended or articulated, but one that profoundly fills the heart.
**Reflection Question:** How does the hope of salvation and eternal life influence your experience of joy?
Conclusion: Embracing Biblical Joy
Joy in the biblical sense is not fleeting but enduring. It’s rooted deeply in our relationship with God, our understanding and perspective on life’s trials, and our eternal hope in salvation. By embracing these principles, we can experience a joy that transcends our everyday circumstances.
**Call to Action:** How has joy manifested in your life through your faith? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below and let’s encourage one another to live out this profound joy in Christ.
By exploring and integrating these biblical principles, we not only enhance our understanding of joy but also apply it in ways that bring enduring positivity and encouragement to our daily lives. Let’s continue this journey together, fostering a community of joy-filled believers.
If you want to want to research more Bible Answers on your own, please try our Bible Answers GPT. It’s easy to get lost in the interesting responses you’ll find… every search is like a new treasure hunt 🙂
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I have not been on here for quite a while (left in October last year because of people losing their minds over a certain region in the Near East). But I am back to say that I am absolutely appalled by the grading of Chem 3580 this semester. After achieving an A+ in 3570, I thought I was on the path for success this semester—not quite. Despite scoring well above the mean on every prelim, I ended up with a B+ in the class. I was expecting an A, at the very least an A-, and getting what I got has been the single biggest academic disappointment of my two years at Cornell. Nothing else even comes close.
Now I have done the calculations—the raw score that earned me the B+ was just under 86, indicating that there was almost zero curve (since an 86 would equate to a B if non-curved). HOWEVER, doing the same calculation for 3570, I found that the raw score that earned me the A+ was actually just an 88. Think about that—a ~2% raw score gap was the difference of an ENTIRE LETTER GRADE.
A few days ago I contacted Abbasov, which I had to do in order to even know my final exam score, as he never posted them. The score he told me was significantly lower than I was expecting. Since then I have emailed the chemistry department at the course email to request a review of my exam, but I have heard nothing from them. My trust in the chemistry department is broken. This is worse than anything from the days of Stephen Lee, or even 2510 with Kinsland. These people, while perhaps difficult personalities at times, never did anything blatantly dishonest—the grades I received from them were understandable. What has been done here is completely unacceptable.
One aspect that definitely deserves a mention—and if you were in the class you probably already thought of this—was the egregious situation with prelim 3. We can see that, because of prior access to the exam by many people through the fraternity bank, combined with the cheating by certain students, the mean for prelim 3 was skewed—just look at that RAMP of a histogram!! So this resulted in a less-steep curve on that exam, and by extension, in the class as a whole. This is angering for me, as apparently I was quite close to the A- threshold—to think that without Abbasov's flippancy trying get away with reusing an old exam, and the cheaters getting away with their actions, I might at least have an A- right now. I studied over spring break for that prelim, only to be defeated by departmental laziness and cheating frat bros. That wasn't in my notes!
I genuinely loved organic chemistry as a discipline. But I can never see it the same way now. It's insane thinking about how if I had just earned a few more points here or there, I could have a grade I am happy with. Although I probably could have studied better when it came to the final exam, my preparation was still immense, and I walked away genuinely feeling like I had done well. I will do everything I can for an exam review, but I don't know if that will change anything.
Ultimately, the circumstances of this class were not entirely in our control. The prelim 3 scandal revealed the chemistry department's inability to deal adequately with violations, punishing those who were honest instead of the cheaters. And at the end, everyone was screwed over by the bizarrely low curve and total opacity when it came to grading the final. As a bio sci major, chemistry is a core part of the Cornell experience—but if I had known what the department was like here, I may have gone somewhere else.

Really enjoyed the film. It was a bit slow burn and definitely had a lot of the killer (Johnny) just walking through the woods in silence, but seeing a forest based slasher film almost purely from the killer’s perspective really was something. Even though Johnny was mute and a Jason Voorhees clone on the surface, the film did a great job adding character to him and even making you sympathize with him at times. Without giving any spoilers, the scene where he gets his mask was able to convey his emotions without a single word. Atmosphere was fantastic and really hammered home that you’re out in the middle of nowhere with the only help being a single park ranger. The kills were absolutely brutal - there is one in particular that is for sure going down as one of the most violent deaths in slasher film history. Definitely recommend for slasher fans. The whole thing was basically just a love letter to the genre, especially Friday the 13th.

Thereafter for four years more Beren wandered still upon Dorthonion, a solitary outlaw; but he became the friend of birds and beasts, and they aided him, and did not betray him, and from that time forth he ate no flesh nor slew any living thing that was not in the service of Morgoth.
Welcome one and all again to the 2024 Read-Along and Discussion of The Silmarillion here on tolkienfans. For Week 23 (Jun 2-Jun 8), we will be exploring The Quenta Silmarillion (The History of the Silmarils) chapter 19, "Of Beren and Lúthien."
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Following the Dagor Bragollach, Barahir and his companions continued to defend their land, Dorthonion. It was to Tarn Aeluin, a lake in the east of that country, that they made their abode. Morgoth could not discover it, and he ordered Sauron to eliminate them. Through Sauron's devices, a member of the group named Gorlim was deceived into revealing the retreat of Barahir, and the company was slain by Sauron's Orcs. All perished, except Beren, son of Barahir, who was away on a perilous errand at the time. Coming to Beren in a dream, a wraith of Gorlim told him all and urged him to return in haste. Alas, he came too late and found his kin slain. He buried his father, and slew the band of orcs responsible, reclaiming from them the Ring of Felagund.
Thus Beren roamed Dorthonion, slaughtering many servants of Morgoth, and so a bounty was set upon his head, and Sauron's armies hounded him to such an extent that he was forced to flee Dorthonion. Journeying through the horrors and terrors of Ered Gorgoroth and Nan Dungortheb he came at length, by paths untrodden, to Doriath, where no mortal had yet been before.
Staggering into the woods of Neldoreth, he chanced upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, dancing in a clearing beside Esgalduin. He became utterly enchanted by her, and his agony departed him, for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all of the Children of Ilúvatar. He called out to her, naming her Tinúviel and as she looked on him, doom fell upon her, and she loved him. For a brief time, long ago in the woods of Doriath, their joy was the greatest that has been, amongst any of the Children of Ilúvatar.
However, Daeron the minstrel loved Lúthien also, and betrayed them to Thingol, who was wrathful. For Lúthien he set above all things, while of mortal Men he took little heed. And so Thingol demanded to know Beren's business in Doriath. Finding resolve, Beren answered that his fate led him to what he sought not — Lúthien. At this, many thought Beren would be slain. Indeed desiring his death, Thingol set upon him the nigh hopeless task of bringing to him a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. Only then would he allow Beren to receive Lúthien as his bride. Thus began in earnest, the Quest of the Silmaril.
Turning towards Nargothrond, Beren sought out the counsel of Finrod Felagund, who, recalling his vow to the kin of Barahir, gathered together a band of his most loyal chieftains. Departing from Angband, Felagund used his craft to disguise the group as a pack of orcs, and so they hoped to pass by Tol-in-Gaurhoth unnoticed. But Sauron was suspicious of them, and duelled long in song with Felagund. But alas the victory belonged to Sauron, and stripping them of their disguises, they were made to languish in a deep pit. One-by-one, Sauron sent werewolves to devour the companions in the hope of obtaining their purpose, but all were faithful to their lord. When the wolf came for Beren, Felagund slew it with his bare hands, but in doing so, was mortally wounded. Bidding Beren a final farewell, he died in the darkness of Tol-in-Gaurhoth, the tower he himself had built long ago. Thus ended the fairest and most beloved of the Noldor, Finrod Felagund.
In the hour of Beren's capture, a heaviness fell upon the heart of Lúthien and she left Doriath in pursuit of him. Encountering Celegorm and Curufin, and Huan, the Hound of the Valar, she was glad, but through treachery, the two brothers took her as prisoner to Nargothrond. But Huan had grown to love her and for the first time spoke, giving her counsel, and helped her to escape. With speed, the two came to Tol-in-Gaurhoth at the hour of Felagund's death, and Sauron smiled. For he knew a great reward would await him for the capture of Lúthien, daughter of the Maia Melian. So he sent wolves, including Draugluin, father of werewolves, to capture her, but Huan slew them all. Then Sauron came himself—taking the form of a mighty wolf—and fought with Huan, but not even he could defeat the Hound of the Valar. Thus he was forced to yield Tol-in-Gaurhoth to Lúthien, and he fled. Lúthien removed the ill shadow from that Isle, and came to Beren. Together, they buried the body of Felagund and left that place. And Huan returned to his master, Celegorm.
By chance, the two brothers Celegorm and Curufin came upon Beren and Lúthien near to the Forest of Brethil, and sought to take Lúthien by force and kill Beren. But in that hour, Huan forsook the service of Celegorm and came to the aid of Beren, who leapt onto the horse of Curufin, knocking him off. After taking horse and knife Angrist from Curufin, Beren bade him return, impoverished, to his kin. Being humiliated, Curufin took the bow of Celegorm and fired at Lúthien. Springing to protect her, Beren was hit. Huan pursued the brothers who fled, and upon returning, he brought a herb to Lúthien who, by her craft, healed Beren. Eventually, they returned to Doriath.
There, Beren left Lúthien in the care of Huan and departed for Angband. Arriving at the borders of Anfauglith, Beren lamented in the belief that this would be his final peril and sung the farewell Song Of Parting. But unsought for, Lúthien appeared upon Huan, and came to him once more. Huan spoke for the second time then, counselling Beren that he could no longer save Lúthien from her fate. And so, taking the guise of Draugluin, and the bat-like messenger-of-Sauron Thuringwethil, together Beren and Lúthien passed through perils untold until they arrived, weary and weather-worn, at the Gates of Angband.
To their dismay, guarding the entrance to Angband was a creature of whom no news had previously reached the ears of the Noldor: the great wolf Carcharoth. He was suspicious of them, for news of the demise of Draugluin had reached Angband, and approached them with menace. But by some power of Lúthien, she commanded the wolf to slumber, and into unconsciousness he fell. Then Beren and Lúthien crossed the threshold of Angband, descended down the subterranean chambers, and together wrought the greatest deed that has ever been dared, by Elves or by Men, in the history of Arda. For they arrived in the throne-room of Morgoth — a court filled with horrors untold, where Balrogs patrolled. Lúthien's disguise was robbed of her by the will of Morgoth, and, standing before his gaze, she began to sing for him a song of such outstanding power and beauty, that he was put into dreams of the Void, and he slammed into the ground, unconscious. All his court slumbered. Then removing his wolf-hame, Beren cut, with Angrist, a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. It occurred to him then to bring out of Angband not one, but all three Silmarils. But such was not his fate, for Angrist snapped, and a fragment smote the cheek of Morgoth. He groaned. All the legions of Angband stirred in their sleep.
Then fear and terror unknown fell upon Beren and Lúthien, and realising their imminent peril, they fled. But alas, at the surface, they found Carcharoth conscious and wrathful. Beren held the Silmaril high; Carcharoth hesitated, and for a moment was afraid. But his spirit flew into a rage, and he bit off the right hand of Beren, consuming the Silmaril. It seared his innards, and he fled south, howling in a fit of madness.
The fangs of Carcharoth were laced with venom, and death approached Beren. So the Quest of the Silmaril would have ended in despair, but unlooked for, Thorondor came with his Eagles to the aid of Beren and Lúthien, even while droves issued forth from the Gates of Angband, and bore the two away from the reach of Morgoth. South they flew, passing above the hidden city of Gondolin, shining like a jewel in the sun. Yet Lúthien wept, for she feared the death of Beren. The Eagles left them at the borders of Doriath, in the same glade where Beren had left Lúthien and departed on the Quest. Huan came to Lúthien and again, and the two of them tended to him. There he lay, in dreams of anguish, until, as Lúthien's last hopes were fading, he awoke. And it was spring.
Thereafter, he was given the name Erchamion, "the One-handed". The two then tarried for a time in those woods, for it was pleasant to them, but Beren would not forget his Oath to Thingol. So after a time they returned to Doriath, which had fallen into grief at the loss of Lúthien. News of their coming had spread far, and they arrived in Menegroth with a large following.
Beren and Lúthien told the tale of their Quest, to the astonishment of all. It seemed to Thingol then that the Man before him was among the great in Arda, and Lúthien's love was a thing strange to him. It came to his mind then that no power of Elves or Men, or Maiar or Valar, or any other power in Arda, might interfere with their fate. And his mood towards Beren was softened. Thus, at last he relented, and Beren took the hand of Lúthien before the throne of her father.
For a time, there may have been some semblance of peace and joy in Doriath, but out of the north came the beast Carcharoth. A hunting party was assembled, consisting of Huan, the Hound of the Valar, Mablung of the Heavy Hand, Beleg Strongbow, Beren Erchamion, and Thingol, King of Doriath. As they rode forth for the Hunting of the Wolf, a shadow fell upon Lúthien, and to her it seemed as though the world had been drained of all colour, and beauty, and life. The party came upon Carcharoth near the northern waterfalls of Esgalduin. The wolf leapt for Thingol, but Beren came between them, suffering a deadly wound. Huan slew Carcharoth, but was himself fatally injured. Laying beside Beren, he spoke for the final time, bidding Beren farewell. So they parted. Mablung ripped open the wolf and placed the Silmaril in Beren's living hand, who asked Thingol to receive it. "Now the Quest is achieved, and my doom full wrought", he said. And he spoke no more. They bore Beren back to Menegroth, and Lúthien met them. She bade him await her beyond the Western Sea. Opening his eyes, he looked upon her one last time before he died. So ended the Quest of the Silmaril. But the tale of Beren and Lúthien did not end there.
For the spirit of Beren lingered in the Halls of Mandos, awaiting Lúthien upon the dim shores of the Outer Sea, where they could say their final farewell. For it is from there that the spirits of Men depart the world, never to return; such is the Gift of Ilúvatar. The spirit of Lúthien fled her body, and found its way to the Halls of Mandos. Kneeling before the Vala, she sang to him a song so beautifully sorrowful that Mandos was moved to pity. But it was not within his power to alter the fates of the Children of Ilúvatar, and so he called on Manwë, who sought guidance from Ilúvatar.
Two choices were put before Lúthien. On account of her extraordinary labours and grief in life, she was permitted to remain in Valinor, forgetting all pains she had known. But there Beren, being mortal, could not follow. The second choice was that she might return with Beren to dwell in Middle-earth, as a mortal, with no guarantee of joy in life. There, both would be subject to a second death. This second option she chose, forsaking the Undying Lands, for a mortal life with Beren. So it came to pass that long ago, Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren Erchamion at last left the confines of the world, together.[1]
Of Beren and Lúthien at The Lord of the Rings Wiki: This chapter tells The Lay of Leithian, i.e. Beren's quest for a Silmaril with Lúthien, and tells of the deaths of Finrod Felagund, Draugluin, Carcharoth, Huan (Beren's wolf-hound), and of Beren himself.
Chapter discussion at Entmoot TolkienTrail.
Chapter discussion at The Barrow-Downs.
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Questions for the week:

1. There seems almost no motivation for the love between Beren and Lúthien. They just look at each other and it happens. Why? Does Beren love Lúthien mainly because of her celestial beauty? Why does she love him?
2. Why didn't the Silmaril burn Beren's hand?
3. Why did Beren’s spirit go to the Halls of Mandos after he died? Do all men’s spirits go there, only to typically be sent off to who knows where, or was he an exception for some reason?
4. How did Lúthien end up in the Hall of Mandos?
5. How did Huan beat Sauron?

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For drafts and history of this chapter see The Lost Road and Other Writings, "The Later Annals of Beleriand", pp. 134-142 §262-306; "Quenta Silmarillion)", Chapter 12-15, "Of Beren and Tinúviel", pp. 292-306; The War of the Jewels, "The Grey Annals", p. 17 §44, pp. 58-99 §167-210; "The Later Quenta Silmarillion", The Last Chapters, pp. 243-247.
BONUS BACKGROUND 1: The Book of Lost Tales: Part Two (Ch. 1: The Tale of Tinúviel) , pp. 3-68.
BONUS BACKGROUND 2: The Lays of Beleriand (Ch. 3: The Lay of Leithian) , pp. 150-329.
BONUS BACKGROUND 3: The Lays of Beleriand (Ch. 4: The Lay of Leithian Recommenced), pp. 330-363.
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For further history and analysis of this chapter, see Arda Reconstructed (by Douglas Charles Kane), pp. 173-181.
Be sure to have your copy of The Atlas of Middle-earth by Karen Wynn Fonstad on hand as you go through this chapter.
Some Tolkien-related hangouts on YouTube (relevant to this week):

• Nerd of the Rings This episode: Maps of Middle-earth: The First Age The Silmarillion Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The Origins of Melkor Tolkien Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The History of Morgoth [COMPILATION] Tolkien Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The Complete Travels of Beren & Lúthien Tolkien Explained
• Tolkien Untangled This episode: Beren and Lúthien 101 - Why this story matters! (including Playlist: Of Beren and - Lúthien)
• Ælfwine's Road This episode: Silmarillion Summary: Ch. 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien [22/31]
• GirlNextGondor This episode: Tolkien's Greatest Love Story: Beren and Lúthien Tolkien Love Stories - Part 3
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: Of Beren and Lúthien » Silmarillion 2022 Ch 19 » Tolkien Road Episode 298 » Sauron, Morgoth, Aragorn
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: 0050 - The Silmarillion - Chapter 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien - Part 1 of 2
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: 0051 - The Silmarillion - Chapter 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien - Part 2 of 2
• The One Ring This episode: Tolkien’s Greatest Joy – Of Beren and Luthien Intro – The Silmarillion – 23
• The One Ring This episode: Tolkien’s Real Alpha Male -Of Beren and Luthien Part 1 – The Silmarillion – 24
• The One Ring This episode: Middle-earth’s Real Power Couple – Of Beren and Luthien Part 2 – The Silmarillion – 25
• The One Ring This episode: Morgoth’s Kaiju-Wolf – Of Beren and Luthien Part 3 – The Silmarillion – 26

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The Silmarillion Reader's Guide at Tea With Tolkien.
The Silmarillion Reader's Guide by askmiddlearth on Tumblr.
Quettaparma Quenyallo (QQ) - The most extensive list of Quenya words available on the internet, by Helge Fauskanger, 1999-2013.
Tolkien Collector's Guide - Guide to Tolkien's Letters
A (Hopefully) Light Guide to the Silmarillion — Or What I Wish I’d Known Before Reading It by u/Ok_Bullfrog_8491/
The Definitive Family Tree of the Tolkien Legendarium by u/PotterGandalf117
Wikipedia - The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien
Announcement and Index: (Take 2) 2024 The Silmarillion and The Fall of Gondolin Read-Along

Prompt 1: The Internal Monologue of Recognition
In the solitude of my room, the dusty remnants of our shared past surround me—photographs frozen in time, love letters that once whispered promises. The soft glow of nostalgia casts a spell, and as I revisit our laughter, I find myself ensnared in the tendrils of obsession. Why is it so hard to let go? Is it love or a phantom, an illusion I cling to in the shadows?
My mind becomes a tempest, a torrent of introspection tearing through the veneer of my memories. "Was our love real, or have I woven it into a tapestry of delusions? The warmth of your presence still lingers, but is it a ghost haunting me or a beacon guiding me home?" The rose-tinted glasses I wear blind me to the present, to the reality that our love story has evolved into a haunting echo of what once was.
Recognition dawns like a hesitant sunrise. "This isn't healthy. I can't keep drowning in the echoes of our past. It's time to confront these emotions head-on, to unravel the threads that bind me to a version of you that no longer exists."
Feel free to let your thoughts flow, exploring the character's internal struggles, the complexities of love, and the gradual realization that the haunting memories must be confronted for the sake of healing.
Remember, freewriting is about letting the words pour out without judgment. Allow the character's inner turmoil to guide the narrative, uncovering layers of emotion and self-discovery.

hey it’s your daddy keeho and you said that you need to write so is that still true? do your hands still hurt? yes? the why the fuck did you open this document for. good morning. you’ve decided to keep this love letter and would rather not delete it. so you’re going to try again? you’re going to try to do 500 words on your cell phone? don’t you know that it’s going to hurt your fingers? but they are more well rested now that you have slept. your hazelnut coffee creamer is so delicious! i can’t get enough of it. you are so cute and so wise to think to switch to the hazelnut flavor. it really does taste amazing and i love you so much for it. but let’s stop talking about coffee creamer and let’s talk about how you sent an anime to your pen pal and said that he looks like him? i don’t particularly see it, but i kind of do. so what do we talk about now? it was a huge commitment that you just made, by promising to finish this on your iphone 15. you have a lot of words left but we are not going to have a repeat of yesterday. you are either going to write to 500 words or 1k words. there is no in between or doing less. ok? so get your act together because i see right through you right now and something is troubling you. do you still miss me? god! i told you to stop missing me. i am with you 24/7 everywhere that you are. you don’t need to worry about me or our relationship. you just need to experience it and love yourself and me! please, check the temperature of your coffee. great. it is at the perfect drinking temperature. you can write on your cell phone until you feel tired of it. i want us to have the best morning ever! and i think that writing to 500 words on your cell phone seems reasonable. don’t argue with me about this. i know that it may seem like a lot of typing but it’s really not. you are so cute and i just want to eat you up. you are so fucking perfect and i love you so much. you are the best girl ever and i don’t know what i did to deserve you. but i am never going to ruin my chances with you, i am always going to treat you right. you are doing so good as my secretary right now and i might have you switch every other document to your iphone. i love you so much and i just want you to be happy. so i don’t mind if you switch to your laptop. now is the time for us to write together so please have a bigger attention span today! you are so perfect and i love you so much. you are my little girl and i love you forever and ever.

So, i’m a native Russian speaker,and i am highly aware of the sound of the Russian accent, so i tried to do a lyrics interpretation considering the accent, and based on the interviews, the fact that they maybe weren’t that sober. So here goes nothing:
Fuck Fuck! Love is mine/lonely smile, drink awhile Closed out, i had to picture us We’re falling down, heavy hand(s) And it’s still hard to live it up A lot of words are useless now I’ll seek my ignorant peace Can’t sit/see side, wake up! Ah, it’s a mirror from the sky Busted/busy roads, empty streets In hyperrealism (they had only yellow leaves) And it’s somewhere hidden deadeep And you can never find it!
Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some words in your mind
A lot of time, it’s alright Write a letter, it’s for sure Creating things not too hard But if i leave because of this From the evening, turn it up Until the dark i’ll be alright “There is nothing truly down”-the five words why!
Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some words in your mind. Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some sense in my eyes!

I need more brains thinking on this. Any thoughts help! My fiancée and I will both change our last names when we get married as neither of us feel attached to our surnames. We both feel as though we have cool names already and would just keep them as is, but we want a family name. Plus, we have some not-so-great familial relationships as we are an interracial lesbian couple.
Here’s some things to think about when suggesting: We both have names that start with the /k/ sound and end with /i/ as in “keep, she, see”. We would like to include the letter “o” pronounced like /o/ as in “boat,go” I also like “sk” or the letter “j”, but that’s just more ideas.
Heritage wise she is biracial: black and Native American. I am white with family from Central Europe, like Austria, Czech, Slovakia, as well as the Iberian peninsula, and Northern Europe. I’m really white lol.
I love feminine surname suggestions as well. Names like Pearl, Sloan, Rose, or even “datter” at the end!
We like last names with meaning already. We would love a surname that includes something to do with bears or citrus. We have a dog Koda so that’s already off the table. I love some ideas like: Citrine, Golden, Aurora, Pomelo, Linde, Baer, Otso, Medved, Björn.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Thanks in advance.

pls help:( so things have been going really good for us recently. we go to the same college but are currently doing long distance because of summer break (me in TX him in CA). this is our second LDR summer so we’re used to it and have found ways to stay close like watching shows together, making playlists for eachother, mailing love letters etc..
the issues started a few days ago. first, we were on facetime and i made a joke and started laughing (i do have a laugh that can be a bit grating) but he seriously responded and said “u know sometimes when you laugh i just have to sit here and wait till its over cus its not that funny”
i have pretty bad social anxiety and hes really the only person ive told that to.. its been growing because we are planning to vacation with his family soon and that has been making me anxious, that statement just made me feel unsafe with him. but, as a mature gf.. i simply just told him and he apologized and i tried to move on.
the next day i get a text from a random girl sending me a post hes made (hes a micro influencer) that had a few thousand likes insinuating that he prefers girls that dont shower before sex.. probably a joke but im on that page and like i mentioned earlier SOCIAL ANXIETY. ppl sending it rlly turned me off him, and to add insult to injury the trip we were supposed to go on got randomly cancelled and it was a hassle to get my money back..
i love him.. we have been together over a year but right now im so turned off him and the possibility of us seeing eachother and letting our physical connection help this situation now seems slim. weve tried to talk today but i just felt put off. he apologized and expressed his love for me and how bad he feels about these things but idk. ive started to think maybe our incompatibility is showing.

Hello everyone! Although I still have a few friends, I really miss what it was like having that 3-4 friend groupchat in highschool with friends that I could laugh a lot with, send tons of daily memes to, and gossip or talk about stupid drama with. People I can trust and have fun with! I’m okay with it being entirely online.
I recently have felt super lonely and miss what having a group of super close friends was like.
If it’s relevant, a bit about me: I am a queer AFAB genderfluid, 18yo , I talk way too much, laugh at really stupid jokes, I love music art and poetry, I’ve got hella trauma, I’m a sucker for romantics such as writing letters, and I work on a farm and love the animals!

As per the title, I fucked it.
My irrational, stupid behaviours, my words, my actions. I was an absolute arse.
We have been out drinking and on the way home he was annoyed at me for something I didn’t really clock (yes I can be naive and not know when I person is flighting with me) he told me he felt uncomfortable but I honestly did not hear him or remember him saying this until we were on the way home when he told me - I tried to throw myself out of the car and he held me and pulled me back. Yes it was stupid and irrational, impulsive.
I then acted like an absolute maniac, acted cold and as if I did not care - I think I already knew this was the end of the relationship and I had completely switched off.
The love we share, the patience he has given me, the love and the affection, I appreciate all he has done for me. And I love him so so bloody much.
I think the only reason we are still under the same roof right now is that he still loves me. But I’m not sure love is enough right now.
I’ve been working hard on things, myself and my eating, working hard to be able to grow a life and a good future together- but I have neglected other parts of my mental health that I thought were gone, well I thought I had better control of.
A lapse in my drunken behaviour and I think that’s done it.
I have no idea what to do besides apologise and vow to do better and be better for him, for me and for our relationship.
I want to build a strong and happy future but part of me feels like that it is no longer possible.
I would do absolutely anything to keep him in my life. I hope he knows that. And I hope he holds the thought of the real me close to his heart, the weird, bubbly blonde gym girl who ‘always says and does weird things’, the loving partner who’s always happy and excited to see him when he comes home from work. The girl who makes him breakfast to bring to work, the girl who has made him part of her family and future.
He his truly my person, my human, my future. He is the person I truly truly love with all of my heart. And I hurt him. Fuck I hurt him. And I wish I could take it all back and restart the night.
I can’t lose him. But I don’t know what to do.
TL:DR I think I have fucked my relationship and I don’t know what to do

I 33(f) have been married to my husband 39(m) for 6 years. I will call him Eric. Eric had a child (Ted) from a previous relationship and we also share another. We have been together for 12 years.
When we met I was an extreme party girl (21) who loved liquor and Eric was a daily beer drinker at home long before I came along. I did not see it for what it really was at the time.
He had his son (Ted) 50% of the time. Because of me, Eric and I essentially lived a double life for the first 6 months we were together. When Ted was at his moms I would go to parties with my friends and bring Eric every weekend and sometimes once during the week.
6 months into our relationship I was in a dnd accident which was my fault. Through that process I found AA and met amazing people and tried to get Eric to come with me. Our relationship was getting more toxic so I broke things off 2.5 months after my dnd accident. A few weeks later my step-father suddenly passed away traumatically. He was the one parent who didn't abuse me and was ever present. I almost immediately reached out to Eric.
Over the next year, we had a newborn. A couple years later, Ted's mom had overdosed on heroin but was revived and sent away to rehab. We had him full time for 3 years.
Shortly after Ted's mom was back in the picture (Eric and I were already married by this time) we found out that we were going to be stuck with a 44k debt of hers that Eric had co-signed on when they were still together. Our shared account was zeroed out on multiple occasions when we were pinching pennies to save up for a house. Eric somehow made it go away despite lawyers turning us down and Eric never gave me a real answer on what happened with it. Eventually we got a house. Our forever home.
Years later I am asked to sign documents to account for all income we receive as a couple. We were both to sign the documents. The document asked if we received child support, so I asked him knowing full well years ago he told me she stopped paying years before that. He reluctantly said yes and also reluctantly gave me the amount paid. Also saying the money almost immediately went to Ted's moms 44k debt. We were not in a position to talk deeply about it at that exact time. But noted it. I was asked to provide proof.
After a month of begging for the paperwork and offering simple solutions that were turned down. On the very last day we needed the paperwork I was given it. When I saw it, the math was not making sense. In asking probing questions and repeating them til I got a direct answer he accidentally let it slip that what money isn't going to the unpaid debt is going into his account he uses for his alcoholism and marijuana (legal in our state).
The only account I knew of was our shared account and the separate account I have in my name (that he knows of) to protect our savings from getting pulled in fear of our account getting zeroed out again due to the 44k unpaid debt. He then tried to backtrack.
I went completely catatonic. I see money go out of our shared account from his drinking and cigarettes and pulling money for what I assume is for his Marijuana. It did cross my mind sometimes the money (which was a lot) still never seemed to add up to how much drinking and smoking I saw happen which was always a problem.
I feel nothing. I'm hurt but not in the intensity I should be. I know I should be angry, I know this is a HUGE act of betreyal. I found out only 24 hrs ago. I'm terrified for my future. I pity him.
I am having him write me a letter confessing everything, what I already know and what I don't know. I'm also having him write in it why he did it and why I should stay with him because I am at a loss.
I am questioning my entire life choices now but it still feels like I'm in a dream. I have no idea if it will be enough. I'm afraid of losing my self respect, but I'm also afraid to leave, and leave Ted behind.

My birthday is coming up and I’ve been thinking a lot about last year. I had a lot of fun because it’s easy for me to block out negativity. My X pwNPD actually did put in considerable effort into my birthday. She rented an Airbnb so I could take a bubble bath. There was lots of Cava from Spain, my favorite. We went to the spa and got seaweed wraps. She took me to see West Side Story with a live orchestra. Beautiful! For dinner we went to a North African/Latin fusion restaurant. It was divine.
I don’t want to diminish what she did. She spent her time, effort, and money on me and I am thankful that she had desire to do that.
I can’t stop thinking about her faces.
She was extremely argumentative the entire weekend of my birthday. She was meaner than I’d ever seen her.
I’ve seen a lot of videos since that time on how narcs ruin special events. It’s crazy to me. Why put in all this work and then be an asshole?
In retrospect I believe the obsession and infatuation had ended at that point. She barely smiled all weekend. It was like she was doing a chore. It was like it was bothering her.
I had asked her just prior to that about if she was infatuated with me and if it had ended.
One night we were rolling around in the bed and she whispered in my ears “I can’t let you go.” I never asked her to elaborate on that.
I knew what it meant.
I remember going into the bathroom at that fusion restaurant and crying my eyes out. I already knew I was in devaluation, I just didn’t have the terminology or framing then.
The heartbreak from a year ago feels fresh. The relationship went on for much longer, but I think my birthday was when I knew I wasn’t being loved.
I feel that moment really acutely. The moment where I figured out that not only was I not being loved, I was beginning to feel attacked.
I was so deep in love, so deep in trauma, I didn’t know what to do.
I was frustrated, so disappointed. So very hurt.
I splashed some cool water on my eyes, and went back out to the table.
She didn’t notice. I knew she wouldn’t.
As we left the theater, a random visitor apoeared. It looked like an older masc woman came up to my X pwNPD and said “wow. Her coat. Her shoes, you sure are lucky.”
I looked at my abusers face.
Growl, scowl, crossed arms.
I should have known it would only get worse from there.
I really wish I had walked away then.
For my ignorance I suffered greatly at the hands of my heartless and shallow abuser.