To all guys and girls reading this and to the super Mom of 5 who lives near Selden who I once knew and saw intimately and dated for over a year. First out of respect, I wish your health and your wellbeing is good and all the best for your kids.
I mean this letter in whole heart, respect and honest of how I felt and I am man who admits when im wrong and I feel Im Right about all of this. I came across a nice facebook post real, where it showed a nice Love scene from the movie “The notebook. by angel alure. (Look it up)
Yeah, you are probably thinking im crazy for maybe writing about a woman I once knew. To the woman I once knew:
That fact is, I’m crazy about being in love with you.- I do miss you and im willing to “maybe” sit down with you , maybe and I consider it again. But not yet. your friend T******* was right when I saw her in april 2024 on a food delivery run, that “the heart wants what the heart wants”. After I surprisingly I delivered food for her. I guess that isn’t a sign right too? That we are not mean to be together and then hitting up your friend N**** in april 2024 who didn’t want to date me because she was friend with you. – Yeah both signs in my eyes that maybe we are meant to be together but I know you don’t believe in Love signs. – I do!
I wanted to let you know that our ultimate missed connection was not forgotten. This is the ultimate 21 year “missed connection”. I give you this story and a nice “song story” after this missed connection story to a woman I once knew and the “song story” is a song she once loved and grew up loving and she probably still does like the song below. I wanted to let you know from the facebook reel and the notebook that "This love does exist for a season or a year with a woman i once knew. I’m keeping her name private out of respect for me and her.
I dated a woman and was with her for off/on a year. Then she went back to her ex for the 4th time , in between me, and current fiancé per her FB post from 2017 lol ( i guess he was the whole time) like and you cheated on him. Like every girl i know and here does and plays commitment games with a guy. – Yeah I saw that old post you still make public for me and people to see , and way to rub it in to a guy who maybe still loves you.
For you and for everyone watch out for a woman like this. Sometimes, they use a guy to fill a void from the guy they hate, so she said, or the home life they are depressed from, used my good qualities for months to a year,, then go back to the guy she loved and has 3 kids with in the first place (and two others with a former exbf) after one little argument we had over edibles and nothing and trying to see you! She told me she loved me and then went to him "cause they worked it out for the kids" BS!.
The love existed for a season but when the love stress gets tough, women aren’t mature enough to find a solution to make it work! You say, you thought I was mentally ill or mentally retarted to not know your social boundaries, I knew your social boundaries and sometimes, I just didn’t care and maybe I would have respect you more if your life wasn’t an anxiety attack on me. I was sure as hell stable and good when we were dating from November to april 2023- oh well., - oh well , It didnt work out but we still have the future and its never too late to change :) She last told me she isn't interested in me anymore back in February 2024 after "calling me by mistake " according to her and just dialed me after i said goodbye to her in January 2024 to start a new chapter without you!. - I call bullshit and I’m right because according to dating experts, girls "will say they call a ex by mistake" to play games and see my reaction.
– Well this isn’t a game, it was true love and we messed up at it due to you not fighting for me. I guess everyone online that i read about is wrong and you are right? Pssh You just lied to me on how you really feel and you didn’t want the hard road and the transition to being with me over one argument we had back in april 2023 and December 2023. Ohh my god. Big deal. Guess what? people who love each other fight! and then they work it out! Good, I feel so much better now and not dealing with your toxic moments anymore.
By the way,- When we dated, even in June to august, then November to December 23rd 2024 while you were with your BF M***, I wasn’t mentally crazy was i? NOPE, Was i a mentally ill? NOPE i was not and you adored me when we dated. I was stable. - Maybe If you didn’t have your ex around, i wouldn’t have to feel anxious. Maybe I would not have texted you a lot and I would have felt comfortable dating you with him not around and I would have given you the space that you and I like. Yes, I liked my space too- Maybe if you didn’t hide me from your kids, If would have been special and stable for me to treated you stable. - Your actions created my instability and your home life affected both of us.
Simple You secreted dated me and him at the same time! - I’m not stupid! You made me crazy with your unstable life and not listening to my advice. I don’t control anyone but we could have been special and developed a possible long term relationship, leading to marriage. - I felt it and sorry you didn’t! You are just a user and woman who used men for your desperate time, and yes, I would have helped you watched your kids, in time, and changed my life for you and for the better. You just used me to get over your negative home life since Nov 2022 and lost the best guy that would love you until the end of time and your death, - I hope you are happy , Have fun being mentally happy with your award winning fiancé who you cheated on. Yup! (you know who you are) Life goes on! ""
To any woman that was with me and wants to be with me, in the future, they will get go with me to my 5 star Miami beach hotel getaway, like I did in march and share my beautiful 5 star new bathroom I have - Yup, I improved myself and will be better to improve my life.
Love will maybe exist one day again for me with a stable woman who knows how to commit to dating and not being shady! - I am so happy in my life , in at peace and back to being a cool confident person like I was in 2022.
So cheers to you and Im happy i let you go and so did you but only because i chose to walk away originally, - Don’t forget it, it was my idea to let you be in Janaury 2024 because of you choosing him over me. I knew it then and every time you left me. It was because of him and your kids driving you nuts.
– Admit it! I did everything I could as a good possible boyfriend to you. I cherished our memories but now I cherish my peace and maybe I will consider and be open to sitting down and having a positive conversation down the road with you when you are no longer with your ex or current boyfriend, whatever you two are, and no longer LIVING with him for good, not just sharing his bed for a month, and he moves back in like you did in NovembeDecember 2023.
Yeah I knew you were going to let him move back in after not allowing me over on weekends you had the apt to yourself and telling me you told him, Keep your bed here. Doesn’t matter right?. - If not, Im happy with or without you . Im not saying i will or will not ever date you and be with you again, but i "might" be down to having a nice catch up conversation with you one day when more times passes and maybe we both want that and maybe when I run into you again in life. Who knows? Small world as I connect with your two friends post breakup. - . Just "maybe" - like you always said to me and mess with my mind - Just one day....If not and .If we dont meet again for a open conversation IN PERSON like real adults doo. Not over the phone or social media., oh well, I guess you will never know what our love "could have been" and what i am and what i do on the side (That i never told you about) that would make you or any woman feel good about me and being with a husband who helps people and certain individuals you love, all over the country.
Too bad, I guess we will never know and you never got to see and date me in a healthy way, without your ex and fiancé "again" around you in your home. - Good luck until then or see you in the next life. Happy being happy with or without you! - At the end of the day, I truly do miss you and our time together but i dont miss our toxic times and it could have been positive if you wanted it to be. You wanted him over me, simple.
Admit and tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy as my grandma used to say, Just like your grandma used to tell you, "If someone doesn’t want you in your life, Leave them the F alone" – Well I did leave you alone 4 times and I was a fool in love with you and you came back to me as well. Four times over. Did you tell your dad and family you did continuing seeing me? Who cares what other people think and I only cared about seeing you and that’s it and trying to be with you. You just cared about how me or anyone helps our your situation because you were desperate and its all About you right??? . What do you expect me to do? With a woman I’ve known since 2002.
I guess you didn’t want your childhood crush and adult crush like I did.
You say, you cant force love? Well what do you call meeting you in 2002 at our legendary casino hotel?? What do you call talking to you over social media for decades? What do you call running into you again in 2012 at subway?
And chatting again on POF in 2014/2015 , which you never got back to me. yeah I remember “Ghost” - What do you call meeting you and reconnecting with you in 2017 at the very place we met in 2002? – what do you call re-connecting on tinder? Then we dated in 2022/2023 – Well I call it fate, you call it, taking advantage of a guy who YOU know always like you. You took advantage of my feelings. When we dated off and on - <- That why I hated you and miss you and was pissed at you in February 2024. – You used my feelings and energy to get back at your live in Ex boyfriend or finance now.
– Yeah, I still see your old post from 2017, I guess you always did love him while we dated. & you cheated on him from November to April 2023, June, July August 2023, Nov/Dec 2023. - Shame on you and you lied right to my freaking face. That you said “I hate him and I will never go back to my EX M*** in 2023 & end of 2022 - No, I cant get over you sometimes, because the heart wants, what the hearts wants.
Most of the time im good, but to be honest, whenever our songs come on, I have to let them turn off or I shed a tear and cry at work thinking of us. - However, I choose not to see you while you live with him and be with a unstable boyfriend and not go through what we went through again.
I choose my peace over us being toxic again. – IF you want it again, It could happen but it has to be healthy like IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SINCE NOV. 2022 AND IN FEBRUARY 2023 WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MOVE OUT? Did he really even move out by the way? Or was that another lie?
Now,. You said to me earlier this year, you don’t want to see me anymore, I call bullshit and I say you were confused. You wanted me in your life when you were with me, I just think you are confused and lost that loving feeling from you two exs or negative boyfriend. Im sorry you felt that way about me and you really lost out on a good and confident man! - Ohh well...and now I begin the process of becoming more confident and greater at loving myself and someone else then I ever did before! Have fun watching from a distance.
–P.S. I’m glad I didn’t date your so called friend N******A who you went to mall with in March. People like her need to give a guy like me a chance. Glad I avoided that train wreck and her thinking she is too good enough to date me because she is friends with you. – Who gives a fuck? Every girl and yes, I didn’t care about dating her either way, Tell her to stop showing her boobs if she wants a decent guy to respect her wishes lol. JK. See every girl has excuses to let love get in the way. .
Be well to you "super mama" Bella".. To give a happy ending, because I know you like one like a happy meal at McDonalds, and If you read this and got this far, I will now let you read a “song story” I wrote and tell you about a song that a woman I once knew grew up loving this song.
I will tell you a story about a little boy liking a girl he grew up with and fell in love with while he seen and was in love with her& did anything to just see her but with a twist……
.The song lyrics goes like this and maybe you know the song, not sure….but here goes…
“Once, I was seven years old, my mama told me "Go make yourself some friends, or you'll be lonely"
Once I was a seven years old and I started to learn about girls and wanted to make some friends.
“Once, I was 11 years old, my daddy told me "Go get yourself a wife, or you'll be lonely"
I was always dreamed when I was 11 years old of being and going down a wedding aisle with a beautiful brown skin girl and her kids but I couldn’t see her face after watching a lot of movies and love shows. – foundation of my love life 
Once I was 17 years old, and I met a beautiful brown skin Panamanian at a hotel party with friends who looked like Pocahontas and had the most beautiful face I have ever seen. – Ever! I wanted her like a hungry kid wanted McDonalds.
Once I was 18 years old and I heard she moved away from me. I asked a girl she grew up with me for her phone number but she didn’t give it to me or did not have it.I was sad and didn’t know how to contact her and wanted to be with her and going out on a date with her. I thought maybe we could be friends and maybe be in a relationship. I wanted love at that time and I loved her beautiful 1000 years and million dollar smile. – That move of her, was the start of the 21 year missed connection “Once, I was 20 years old, my story got told Before the morning sun, when life was lonely”
Once I was 20 years old & 21 years old and I thought about her in college and decided to write her on myspace or facebook. Don’t remember if she replied but I knew I wanted to see her millon dollar Panamanian smile. I missed seeing her in my college year. We chatted for years on social media or chatted through the years until my mid 20s and when I was 27 years old, Fated happen and we met again in October 2012
Once I was 27 years old and I met the beautiful brown skin Panamanian mom of two in front of and inside Medford subway sandwich restaurant, the same day I got out of the hospital in October 2012. I looked at her in surprise. She looked at me too but I don’t think she recognized me as she had her little girl and young son with her. I was too afraid to talk to her as I was feeling down that day. I watched her walk away from my life at that point and didn’t say a word. It just wasn’t met to be another “missed connection”
Once I was 29/30 years old and in 2015, I messaged her on a dating website called POF and I didn’t hear back from her for whatever reason, another internet “missed connection” we chatted for another 5 years until 2017.
“Soon, we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold We've traveled around the world, and we're still roaming Soon, we'll be 30 years old. Im still learning about life, my woman [I wanted a woman like her to bring] children for me [in marriage] So I can sing them all my songs, and I can tell them stories Most of my boys are with me, some are still out seeking glory And some I had to leave behind, my brother, I'm still sorry”
Once I was 32 years old and I met her again as a casino hotel where I shared a bed with her back in 2002. I had a talk with her and her boyfriend was somewhere there. She didn’t tell me that until after. I enjoyed reconnected and talking to her with her two woman friends, as she played the slots. – I certainly wanted her and I think she liked me then but didn’t wanted to say anything. We talked and then I left. We chatted all through the next 6 years until I met her again when I was 37 years old. – another missed connection or was it?
Once I was 37 years old, and I found out she “was single” through tinder. We dated in “sweet november 2022” and until april 2023. We broke up 2 times and then reconnected in July 2023 and then again in Sweet November 2023. I was so happy being with her off and on 4 times until the last day I saw her was in December 23rd 2024 to complete my Christmas wish. We also spend the days leading up to holidays together and I was so happy and in love with her.
Once I was 38 years old . I was unsure about her as I felt she used my feelings and she went back to her 4 times after she criticized my imperfections and made any excuse to just use my feelings since November 2022. I showed her good intent and her intent was to take advantage of me. throughout 2023, I was in love and hated our toxic times because of her home situation and her ex..
Once I was 38 years old and the beautiful brown skin woman saw me at night and slept over my place in November 2023 and December 2023. We had beautiful moments together and when we there for each other when times got tough for both of us. She saw me during the day when I was out of work and needed someone to talk to. I loved her as a friend , a possible dating girlfriend, a lover, a future girlfriend and maybe wife, but I think all she saw me was someone to make love to and use me for love and physical sex and love when it was convenient for her and she wasn’t getting it at home. I blame her and I don’t blame her. It was another truly good and bad missed connection at a shot at love that didn’t work due to whats written above this song story.
Once I was still 38 years old and once Im about to be 39 years old, I miss the woman I grew up with and miss the woman I want to maybe see one day over a conversation, when she doesn’t live with him or her boyfriend or ex finance anymore. If not, I will be happy and cherished our 21 year missed ultimate connection and cherish our times together. I will love you from afar, maybe, but only the good times.
Once I am 38 years old now, I am happy without you and maybe even happier if you find in your heart to realize how good I was to you, and how we had special times at C**** beach, Casino hotel, movies, restaurants, my place, your place a couple times. - I said goodbye to you in person on January 4th 2024, told you I love you . I was crying and looked at you as I was driving away. You then called me by mistake in February 2024 and we had our last argument. I wanted you so bad and to have another connection.
Once I was 38 years old and it now May/June 2024. – I haven’t seen you for real in over 6 months since 2 days xmas and for 5 mintues on January 4th, - I am really sorry, that me and you could not be together. It was not meant to be, because you didn’t want it to be and you didn’t see yourself with me. – I now realize you wanted him. So go be with you ultimate connection of your life with who you share 3 kids with. We had our time and I will cherish it..........
I am now happy without you but like I said, I “might” consider sitting down and talking to you in time If you would maybe want that after times, If that time comes and we run into each other again for another “connection” . – will it be a missed connection or a ultimate connection?
I last saw you on January 4th 2024, we average “running into each other” every 5 ot 6 years . so maybe see when Im 43 or 44 years old and I can say.
Once I was 44 years old…..To be continued Thank you for reading and Be Well to the super mama that lives near selden.
P.S. I do miss our times and our moments at the “selden post office” and our time together - Well see what the future holds for us and if we ever get to see what it would be like dating healthy and just us and no living with ex’s
Did you enjoy reading my story?
Do you see me and my story and what its like to be a boy being and wanting to be with a mom of 5? – do you see him?........
Now imagine it’s a girl chasing a boy she loved when was 17 and not 16 and now imagine it’s a woman chasing a guy of 5 kids when the guy was 37 years old and wanted it make it work What would you do B*******?
Would the girl continue to try and get that ultimate connection?
Time will tell and time heals all wounds. – Less is more right?
– How would you feel if the roles would be reversed. – Well See
To all : I hoped you enjoyed reading my “song story” – The real song is sang by Lukas Graham and it’s called 7 years. Feel free to listen to it. – I have to turn it off and aother songs that make me remind me of her. ..To everyone else and all of my single guys "this love doesn’t exist anymore, unless 2 people make it work and not make excuses! - simple as that. - Watch who you date and watch out for the narcissist two faced woman who I seen and dated. Love is sure interesting sometime in your life. Lesson learned. Good luck to all and thanks for reading.-
Would could have been B****? – Once I was XX year old and we will find out or we wont with us – Follow your heart and the rest we’ll figure out – I promise and I don’t break them. – simple 

Anyone else not LOVE Aiden? Trust me! I don't hate the guy! I think he's a perfectly good character, decent story, good design, and overall a good guy. That being said? I don't get the hype.
He's a really average character in my opinion, nothing special about him except the fact he's the first canonly trans character in a show like this. He also just isn't super interesting on his own, his whole character revolved around James or so it felt like. That's not to say he isn't a great friend and I'm super happy with his development and how he's becoming his own person and is able to stand up for himself and be stable! This totally isn't Aiden hate!!!!
But what's all the hype about, I can name a few characters that are much more interesting or as interseting who get much less attention: Gabby, Grett, Alec, Hunter, Tom, etc.
Though I will note I COULD be salty. My fav s2 characters were Hunter 🤍, Tess, Conner, and Rosa Maria. I many times thought s2 felt like Jaiden took up a lot but that might just be me, I didn't feel this way watching s1 at all, it all felt very balanced I guess they put a lot on Aiden and James this season? Or maybe I just feel that way bc they're the fan favs and they have a lot of media. I could just be salty it isn't my favs who are getting all the attention but, that's me
He's really just not all that interesting to me and I wanted some insight on what I might be missing?
On that note: THIS IS NOT AIDEN HATE!!!!

The earliest common Gen Z start date is 1995, entering school after Y2K. It seems to be the most popular Zillennial start date (1994 is considered Zillennial on the subreddit, but they've never been called anything but Millennials, entered school pre-Y2K, and most people consider them safely Millennial). I'd consider them to be the very, very first Zillennials, albeit definitely more Millennial overall.
While most people here consider 2001 the first off-cusp Z year, I do not consider them off-cusp; their lasts (college age adults pre-COVID being the biggest example)
The most popular Gen Alpha start date on social media is 2010, and most people on here consider 2010 as the first Zalpha year (more Gen Z but still cusp regardless). I don't myself; to me 2012 is the first cusp year for many reasons.
The end of Zalpha is not entirely defined. I would place the end in 2016 (in school during COVID and before the Ukraine-Russian war, could have vague memories beforehand), making 2017 the first clear-cut Gen Alpha birth year.
The biggest differences between those born in 1995 and 2002:

• Those born in 1995 can vividly and clearly remember using things like dial-up and VHS when they were relevant/mainstream. This is not true for anyone born in 2002, unless they lived in a country where VHS and dial-up lasted longer in the mainstream.
• 1995 borns are clear cut 2000s kids and can remember the early 2000s vividly. Someone born in 2002 is not; their childhood was spent roughly equal in both the 2000s and 2010s.
• It is possible for those born in 1995 to remember the very late 90s (moreso 1999), although their memory of life before and during Y2K will be limited. Someone born in 2002 was born well after Y2K. 1995 borns also technically entered school during the 2nd millennium, so one could make the argument that 1995 is an off-cusp Millennial.
• Someone born in 1995 could vividly remember life before 9/11, whereas someone born in 2002 wasn't even alive when it happened. This is a massive difference of epic proportions, and it is why I can't ever view 1995 as being actually Gen Z. Calling someone born in 1995 Gen Z is like calling someone born in 1982 or 1983 Gen X. They do have some cuspy traits from Z and X, respectively, but they're clearly Millennials.
• Another huge difference: someone born in 1995 was a grown adult possibly out of college when COVID-19 happened, whereas someone born in 2002 was still in high school and had their prom and graduation ruined. This makes it clear that 2002 borns are not Zillennials at all.
• 1995 borns could vote in the 2016 election; those born in 2002 could not.
• Someone born in 1995 was a teenager during the early 2010s and even late 2000s; it is possible that a person born then could've used MySpace when it was still relevant to some extent. They actually entered high school in the late 2000s (2009). This is not true for anyone born in 2002. They were kids during this time and were teens during the late 2010s and early 2020s.

The biggest differences between those born in 2002 and 2012:

• Someone born in 2002 could vividly remember life when smartphones and tablets weren't relevant or widespread. This does not hold true for someone born in 2012, as these things were everywhere by the time they could have memories at all.
• Those born in 2002 grew up with traditional cable TV (or PBS for those without cable), watching cartoons like SpongeBob, Penguins of Madagascar, Avatar, Gravity Falls, Phineas and Ferb, Kim Possible, Kids Next Door, Ed Edd N Eddy, Chowder, Cyberchase, Dragon Tales, and Arthur, among others. While someone born in 2012 could've still watched these shows and watched them on cable, it's more likely they would've seen these on streaming services like Netflix or Disney+ than on traditional cable TV.
• 2002 borns spent their childhood roughly equal in the 2000s and 2010s. Those born in 2012 grew up as kids roughly equal in the 2010s and 2020s.
• Those born in 2002 could vividly remember using physical media, such as DVDs, Blu-Ray discs, and game discs. 2012 borns could've also used DVDs, Blu-Ray discs and game discs, but it's much more likely they'd use digital media instead.
• 2002 borns were in high school before Trump was elected, and could've voted in 2020. Whereas a 2012 born's memory of life before Trump will be vague at best, and their understanding of Trump-era politics will be far more limited.
• When AI exploded in popularity, 2002 borns were adults in their 20s. Those born in 2012 were 10 year old elementary school kids and their adolescence and adulthood will be entirely in the AI boom.
• While both 2002 borns and 2012 borns were still in school during COVID-19 lockdowns, someone born in 2002 was a high school age teenager that could understand the situation far better than a elementary school age 2012 born.

The biggest differences between those born in 2012 and 2017:

• Someone born in 2012 could remember a pre-AI world much better than someone born in 2017, who were Kindergarten-age children when it started getting big; most of their childhood will be spent after the AI boom while someone born in 2012 spent most of it before it was big.
• Those born in 2012 likely would've been too old for Cocomelon, and would've grown up with preschool shows like Sofia The First, Doc McStuffins, Arthur, Clifford The Big Red Dog, and Curious George. Although these shows were still around as someone born in 2017 was a kid, they were in the age demographic for Cocomelon, and would've likely watched that instead (or alongside the other preschool shows mentioned).
• Someone born in 2012 was in school pre-COVID and can easily remember life beforehand, and were in elementary school during the pandemic years. Those born in 2017 cannot. They will have virtually no memory of a pre-COVID world and entered school after the pandemic era.
• Those born in 2012 grew up as kids roughly equal in the 2010s and 2020s, but 2017 borns were/will be kids for the entire 2020s.
• While memory would be vague, it is possible for someone born in 2012 to remember a world before Trump's presidency; someone born in 2017 wasn't even alive before he entered office.

Let’s get it out of the way: Crystal is boring and yes she was opportunistic. But she has a point about how Holly has openly disliked her for years, and that their experiences are very similar.
Holly’s always been a ‘sniper from the side’. She throws rocks and then hides her hands. She did it with Kendra, and gets away with it because Kendra overreacted with the explicit tweets. But her shade is subtle and steady with just enough plausible deniability to feign innocence.
An example of that is here, where Holly calls Crystal and the twins ‘the skanks next door’ and then says ‘I didn’t say that, people who commented on my Myspace said that’
When she returned to the mansion to see Hef she said to Crystal “You take care of him or I’ll be on you!” here
In her conversation with Kendra and Mary for the ‘Hef’s Runaway Bride’ special here she’s shady, again making the Hef ‘dodged a bullet’ comment and sarcastically saying she left ‘at the right time for her single’.
This one struck me because she continues to dismiss Crystal even after Mary tells her that Crystal called her at the Jazz Festival in tears saying she ‘couldn’t do this and needed a shrink’ —which Holly wrote about a nearly identical situation going on antidepressants and wanting to talk to a therapist and Hef just saying to talk to Mary.
——————————
In 2011 she questioned Crystal’s intentions
“I’d like to see Hef settle down,” Holly told the tabloid. “I just want it to be with the right person, and I feel like he’s making a hasty decision. I’m not sure Crystal is the best thing for him.”
Referring to her fellow giant-breasted blonde as “mysterious,” Holly adds that she’s wary of Crystal’s intentions: “I’ve seen a lot of girls try to date Hef, and some have ulterior motives. I don’t think it would be a bad idea for him to get to know her a little better. I think it’s possible Crystal could break Hef’s heart. They could end up divorcing, and she could take half his money.”
Is she jealous that the man she once wanted to marry has asked for the hand of someone else? No. It’s simply: “I just don’t want it to be a girl who’s using him to start her career.”
Here’s an article about her Tweets following the ‘Runaway Bride’ saga.
Hollywood Lifehttps://hollywoodlife.com › holly-m...Holly Madison Attacks Crystal Harris On Twitter!
“That’s disgusting and whoever booked her is tacky!” tweeted Holly in response to a reporter talking about Crystal’s arrival at The Wet Republic. The Peepshow star also wrote, “That’s a new low!!!” in response to pictures of a bikini-clad Crystal living it up at the Vegas pool.
“Trust me, NO ONE is interested in filming Crystal! She left Lifetime high and dry while filming a 2 hour special!” was Holly’s response to the reporter wondering if camera’s would be documenting Crystal’s day in the sun.
That wasn’t all the Queen of Vegas had to say about Hef’s cold-footed fiance! In addition to dissing Crystal for promoting herself on the day she was supposed to say “I do” to the man who made her famous, Holly also tweeted Crystal’s decision may have been a blessing in disguise.
“Where does one find the “Dodged a Bullet” mylar balloons?” tweeted Holly a few days after the wedding was called off.
But to prove her off-handed remarks were really attacks on Crystal, Holly took her tweets one step further and declared a “war of words” with her fellow platinum playmate! When Crystal tweeted, “Hard times show your real friends…” Holly boldly shot back with, “No, they show HEF’s real friends…”
She jumped in to comment on Crystal taking her dog with her that was attached to Hef (even though she re-homed her own dogs she got with Hef to her parents and immediately got 3 new ones)
"Why did you voluntarily give the dog to Hef (who loves him too) after you left, only to ask for him back a few months later?" Madison, who stars in Holly's World and also appeared on the eighth season of Dancing with the Stars, wrote on her Twitter account Monday.
"Dogs shouldn't be yanked from happy homes on a whim. She needs to quit attention-seeking!"
Took a shot at Crystal with her usual passive-aggressive style when asked about naming her daughter Rainbow:
“It's definitely a unique name. I like unique names and I wouldn't have picked it if were common. But, growing up, there was a girl in my class named Rainbow. I grew up in Oregon, where a lot of hippies went to start families. There was a girl at school named Rainbow, and I was so jealous and I wanted it to be my name."
"So it's definitely unusual, but it's a name. It's not like I called her Coffee Table. People love to say, 'That's a stripper name.' But I've spent a lot of time in Vegas and strippers aren't named Rainbow. They're named Amber, Crystal and Jessica."
https://radaronline.com/photos/holly-madison-hugh-hefner-feud-wife-crystal-stripper-name-playboy-takedown/
It’s probably also not a coincidence that the other 2 ‘stripper names’ she chose were the names of Kendra’s 2 close friends at the time when they had their own falling-out.
And finally, a couple of Crystal comments in her book:
I have to say, I was a little curious about this Crystal character. Though I kept far away from Hef and Crystal (in part to avoid replicating how Tina had made me feel after her departure), it still seemed like Crystal had major jealousy issues. A few weeks earlier, I had run into a Los Angeles magazine editor I knew socially who told me a story about Hef begging him to retract a statement he had made about my being welcome back in his life anytime.
The editor threw up his hands and said he told Hef he couldn't retract it, that he had him on tape saying it and that he heard his new girlfriend threw a fit about it when it came out. When it came to being dramatic, it appeared Hef had met his match.
Crystal acquired the seemingly requisite boob and nose job shortly after moving into the mansion, and after her plastic makeover, Hef handed her a December 2010 centerfold.
Crystal just didn't come off as comfortable or clever enough to think up even a lame zinger like that. In fact, most of her dialogue on the show was painfully awkward at best.
"Ugh," I groaned. I had heard through the grapevine that Crystal was still moping around the mansion because she had "her show taken away" and was upset that I was the one still on television. Any suggestion of my presence anywhere near Playboy sent Crystal into a frenzy.
What happened to the laid-back Crystal I had seen the last time I visited the mansion? "Are you serious? We didn't get into a fight," I snapped, exasperated by her immaturity. "Someone on Twitter pointed out that she copied my underwater photo shoot, and later I made a generic post about hating copycats. That's it. I didn't even mention her name or reply to the person who pointed it out! "I'm sorry that she has a guilty conscience," I huffed, rolling my eyes. Over the past few years, I definitely began to feel that for whatever reason Crystal was trying to Single White Female me. "And I'm sorry that she can't deal with people's comments on the Internet."

HS class of '007 here.

• 1990ish -

Age 0-5: Internet is rare, but as a small kid I have no use for it anyway. Most of the time I use consoles or maybe word processors. "Brick" cellphones and beepers are widespread but completely uninteresting to a child.

• 1995ish -

Age 5-15: Internet and Windows explosion, but it's still heavily anonymized and mainly used for research or leisure on a desktop computer. "Screen time" worries are mostly still about the TV or consoles/games. Cellphones begin to show up more widely, but they're dumbphones for the most part with the exception of your mom's/dad's corporate-issue BlackBerry.

• 2005ish -

Age 15-20: Smartphone and social media explosion. You probably moved from desktop to laptop around this time and might've gotten an iPod as well. Again, the new hardware and software is perfectly age-appropriate for a high schooler or college student; MySpace remains highly anonymized and Facebook is still gradually rolling out to non-student audiences.

• 2010ish -

Age 20-30: App explosion. Dating, e-commerce, Uber, etc. all show up at a very convenient time for a young, urban professional, and a surge in LinkedIn users reflects the millennial population coming of age. Facebook (and Skype and Kik) make it easier for young, urban, workers and college students to keep in touch with friends and family back home, even if it does perversely lead to loneliness because it makes socialization so damn trivial. Instagram is absolutely besieged with meal photos, pet photos, travel photos, and friends/family photos of every Millennial worker in the country.

• 2020ish -

Age 30-???: [This is all science fiction to me, and indeed is also science fiction to those of us 5 years older or 5 years younger who grew up either with G1 Transformers or with Bay Transformers, so I'll skip this part]

For fun, if a character was social media or a website, what would you pick? Which website would personify that character best? Choose as many characters per social media/website as you please, keep it PG13 and within the rules of the sub, obviously lol. Any class is up for grabs so even DJH can be used to sites not available in the 80's.
Twitter- Paige: a distributor of gossip, a love for celebrities, popular
Instagram- Craig: a place for beautiful pictures, deep quotes or song lyrics
Myspace (classic) - J.T.: a place for friends, memes, old school, young humor
Linked In- Liberty: professional connections, a place for showing off accomplishments
Pinterest- Holly J? Not fully sure on this one. Maybe Holly J would enjoy the ideas, board and making pins, the organization.
Facebook- Snake: keeping in touch with old friends, older memes
Deviant art- Eli: the art, the unhinged, poetry, teenage angst
Snapchat- Hazel: flashy photos, popular, communication through photos, she'd love it
What are your choices?

No Labels. No Platforms.
There, I said it. We got the talking part out of the way.
Now what does this look like when applied?
Am I crazy? Is this a knee-jerk reaction from some guy that’s just had enough of trying to fit into whatever cookie-cutter bullshit is hot this week?
Possibly, but let me explain-
I was born in 1980. Let’s get that out of the way off top so you know what tone to read this diatribe in.
I was barely a walking, talking human by the time of Regan’s inauguration. This ushered in the era of preppy excess on one side of the spectrum and the crack epidemic on the other. Rarely did these worlds coincide but they definitely coexisted. Suburban kids were watching the ‘Corys’ (Haim & Feldman) hoping to be the coolest kid on their block with the freshest vehicle, courtesy of mom & dad, that would surely get them the girl. The rest of us were bringing paper food stamps to school to hit the corner store during class break. And the cats we looked up too weren’t named Cory and they definitely weren’t daytime TV or even USA Up All Night material.
And the music? I can’t explain how fresh it was. You had to be there. I’m not gonna gas you up like some of these cats and attempt to explain it well enough that you ‘get it’. You have to understand that back then, a million things that are now firmly planted and rooted in our culture hadn’t happened yet-
No Biggie. No Tupac.
Nothing even remotely resembling an Eminem.
No Rock Steady Crew. No Kid Capri. No Def Comedy Jam.
No Outkast. No DJ Screw. No Three Six Mafia.
No Dipset. No Rhymesayers. No WuTang. No NWA.
None of it.
Imagine for a second that all you want to do is be Bruce Lee. Or save up enough money for a skateboard or some other semblance of identity or individuality. Then you walk by the park and see some young cat, not too much older than you, moving like a fucking robot. Better than a robot. And these big ass house speakers were drug to the park in the back of someone’s Suzuki so that the dude in the neighborhood with the dopest record and break beat collection could come down and spin and receive accolades for doing so. Over time, those accolades started to reach way past the block in which they originated. Enter The DJ-
House party flyers were probably the first tangible collectable item that was Hip Hop related. After that it was the MixTape. In the beginning, no two MixTapes were the same. You may get a dubbed tape from your boy or snatch a copy from the bootleg tables on the corner if they had their business together like that. But, for the most part, these were put together by the end user of the product itself: The Consumer. Some business savvy DJs of that time realized quick that the biggest money having mufukas they knew in real life were the drug dealers in the neighborhood. They would pay certain DJs to customize a MixTape for them that featured the bangers of that week/month/year but also the DJ shouting out the dealer that paid for the tape. Fixated on notoriety, it wouldn’t take long for money motivated individuals to position themselves beside the artists, producers and DJs of the time and, in the absence of a label, become boutique indie labels in their own right. These illicit proceeds would do more to perpetuate Hip Hop in its infancy than any corporate dollar. But these influxes would call enough attention to the culture that before we knew it, everyone from McDonald’s to the Chicago Bears would look to this new phenomenon to stay relevant.
Fast forward to the 90’s and Hip Hop was fully infused and rejuvenated with the hustler spirit. Artists like Too Short and E-40 proved that real money could be made in Hip Hop with the farm-to-table approach. It made an artist say, ‘If I create a product that is custom-fitted to my consumer, who better than I to deliver that product?’. Cutting out the middle man, artists themselves paid for and oversaw the production process, organized album art and duplication and released the product directly the streets. Selling albums literally out of the trunks of their cars as well as fostering relationships with independent record store owners who also benefited from blocking the labels out. They themselves knowing full well what it means to be force-fed label-curated top tens and other pop bullshit.
Vinyl record collections, cassette tape collections, books full of Compact Disks and in some cases DVDs with music-related documentary content. These things slowly grew as we aged and found ourselves. Even to look around at all of the items we had procured gave us a sense of who we were. The room that housed our music was like a glimpse into our soul. A snapshot with a million words and stories and moments behind it.
Now we have our phone. That’s it.
See how the words just dropped all lonely out of the paragraph like that?
It’s a sad state of affairs.
But there is hope
Billboard (Really? After all that, his source is fucking Billboard?) has reported that the sales of vinyl records has increased for 17 straight years. 43.46 million vinyl albums were sold in 2022. That’s 43% of all album sales the year over. Social media and streaming services are slowly but surely losing their grip and once again being relegated to novelty convenience applications. The curtain has been pulled back to reveal that Jay-Z’s famous line ‘Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t’ has not aged well. Saweetie has been kind enough to serve as case-in-point. The ‘rapper’ who, at the time of this writing, has an Instagram following of 12.9 million was recently roasted in the press when she dropped an EP that only sold 2,000 copies.
What In The Actual F*ck?
It that doesn’t prove to you that it doesn’t matter, you’re a lost cause and my advice to you would be to never step foot in the entertainment industry. However, if you too are bothered by this correlation (or lack there of), please read on.
We have now come full circle. Movements that preach the need to cleanse the artistic mind of the preoccupation with social media are quickly gaining popularity. Reverting back to the era when guerrilla marketing was King. The concept of a street team blanketing a city with your stickers, posters and flyers and all of the supporters and connections made while doing so is making its way back into the fold. Word of mouth advertising will never be replaced, though social media has brought us close. That may be the why the current pendulum swing is so dramatic. People are simply sick and tired of scrolling to find the meaning of life. The fact that the term ’social media cleanse’ is a thing (and has been for some time) denotes that it is dangerously pervasive. With the recent popularity and ease-of-use offered by AI, one’s first instinct would be to say to themselves, ‘Wait, that means anyone can do it’. With the all-too obvious downside being: Anyone can do it. The day Canva dropped their Magic Write AI option for document edits, i ran across at least 30 videos in which the quintessential content creator was explaining to me how this would be a game-changer in a way we could never fathom and that now, more than ever, I need to start taking my content making seriously by letting computers do all the work for me. The same work they are doing for everyone else. Except, somehow it’s supposed to be different and unique. But that’s the part they leave out. How can I be unique and on some never-before-seen shit if I’m doing precisely what everyone else is doing? Another heartbreaker for the AI buffs? Google has already put in place AI detecting technology that will automatically initiate their own form of shadow-ban on all of your SEO if they find or suspect that AI has been used to create it. But don’t fret. When you wake up tomorrow, there will a million other content creators dropping videos instructing you on how to skirt AI detection software. Do you see where I’m going with this? Is your motivation to create a commodity that is appreciated by your core audience? Or have your career goals transitioned from that to a computer hacker that minors in internet marketing?
More than ever, people crave connection with an artist, regardless of the media. Audio, video or conceptual, they want YOU.
Many artists are adjusting their focus back to website presentation. With the ease in which an artist can create their own e-commerce website through companies like Squarespace, complete with comment sections, like counts and whatever bell or whistle is commonly used to satiate the viewer.
Point is, we can do it too. We can do it better.
An artist can release a project to their own site and utilize the ‘Proud To Pay’ option where the consumer can pay as much or as little as they’d like for the download. Merchandise or other gated content can be sold right along with it. You can literally build your support system 1 fan at a time. That connection will also endear much longer than the ones garnered my viral Tik Tok or Instagram Reels. That being said, we aren’t idiots. Social Media should still receive updates from those whose main focus is there website community. The website is headquarters. There should always be more content, options, action and opportunity on your website than what is offered on social. Social should be utilized for the sole purpose of drawing traffic to YOUR PLATFORM. Say it: I Am The Platform.
I’m not telling you to delete your Instagram, FaceBook or Tik Tok.
But you should delete them from your phone.
Tim Ferris wrote The 4-Hour Work Week in 2007. In it, he laid a strategy for being less busy and more productive. Interestingly enough, this book was written the year the first iPhone dropped. But already our society was looking for anything to get them away from the rat race. The desire to always be available. A slave to what was then your BlackBerry. The need to check and reply to emails within minutes of reception. MySpace was the only social media platform to speak of at the time and even then, folks took it too far. The book spoke about setting time aside weekly to check and reply to emails. Another to check and respond to social media. The bulk remaining for actual work and whatever interaction that work required. You can set aside as little as one day a week to share all the clips of your content, respond to comments and DM’s and interact with folks you regularly interact with. What you’ll find in doing so is that your hyper focus on social media was for naught. And no one missed you while you were gone. And all that time you used to spend scrolling can be spent creating content for your website and making your community as inviting and comfortable as possible. Through email and text lists, the integrations on your own website can forward content directly to everyone who gives a fuck immediately. Stop posting content to social media FIRST hoping that whatever platform you’re on is in a good enough mood to show it to 4% of the people who actually follow you in hopes of seeing it. Ask yourself what your goal is. Do you want 1 million supporters for a year? Or 10,000 for 20 years? If you can get those 10k to spend $10 a year, you’ll never work again. Are you listening?
This entire essay was designed using no AI. It was however concocted to persuade you. Just like everything else you’ll listen to or read today. The difference? I implore you to stop listening to the noise. Even if I myself become a distraction to you, It warms my heart to know you’ll never listen again. Go. Be the most amplified version of yourself and don’t stop until you’ve pissed a lot of people off. Only then will you have created anything worth fussing over in the first place. When that happens, the world outside of that computer in your pocket will open up in ways that will make you want to leave it there. Do not waste another second looking to the next man for direction or inspiration. Get YOU out first. Fortunately, I’m not going to push you towards any apps or sites that will simplify your process. That alone will simplify your process. You’re welcome.
Kream Soda

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Let's show some love for Cameron and his dedication to crafting homes where comfort is key!

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after he asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

In the early 90s, when most people had barely heard of the Internet and things like MySpace weren’t even a twinkle in their creator’s eyes, those few of us who were online could feel something coming. We knew everything was about to change. The Internet was coming baby, and it was going to turn everyone’s lives upside down in ways they couldn’t even imagine.
Hipster publications (back before anyone really used the term “hipster”) like Mondo 2000 had a name for it: “The New Edge”. And for 99% of us on that New Edge, for almost all of us prophets and heralds of the coming age, one thing gradually became clear: being early didn’t matter.
It didn’t give us any real advantages. Sure, some people rode the hype cycle to riches (as some do in all hype cycles), but for most of us, we just watched it all happen and went “Wow, cool. I guess.”
Some of us snapped up email addresses with our names in them (without a bunch of numbers at the end!!) and immediately regretted it as we were bombarded by emails meant for someone else with the same name. That’s about as close as the average case came to really experiencing something unique from surfing the very tip of the New Edge.
Being there before it was cool didn’t make us cool. The ultimate lesson of hipster life.
So here comes AI and here we go again: this thing is going to change everything. It’s going to saturate every part of our lives and for a glorious decade it’ll be incredible before corporations figure out how to lock it down and chop it all up into a handful of membership fees, which we’ll gladly pay just to tread water alongside our peers. It’ll be messy. And then it’ll be clean, and we’ll miss the mess.
But will it make us smarter, braver, richer?
Did the Internet?
I’m not a pessimist on this. Not really. But this is all feeling very familiar, and makes me think optimism is just as silly as any other feeling when it comes to what happens next.
There’s only one thing that I’m starting to suspect is true about all of this: apart from the irritating ability to say “I knew this was coming before everyone else,” being early just won’t matter. Someone who held off on taking any of this seriously until AI companies competed for their mindshare on morning talk shows will be at absolutely no disadvantage compared to folk chomping at the bit today for the new version of Stable Diffusion.
Despite the rapid pace of advancement, ironically, there simply is no hurry.
EDIT: ITT people who are worried that I’m underestimating the profundity of the singularity and are frantically flailing in response, desperate to defend their religion… which I’m not actually attacking. I’m just saying that your early devotion will never be rewarded. All boats will rise with the same tide regardless of which captains anticipated it.

Inspired by the Crystal thread; so many digs directed at both Crystal and Kendra that get overlooked because of Holly’s finesse. Their quiet fight goes back well before Kendra jumped on Twitter. And just to get it out of the way, I won’t be linking to Kendra’s tweets about Holly after her book came out. I think we all know about them and they’re on Google.
This is a timeline on the backstory leading up to the 2015 tweets detailing their feud up to that point.
For starters, check out the book recaps from each of their memoirs, with quotes both Holly and Kendra made toward each other.
Kendra’s book comments about Holly
While Holly and Bridget were indignant and calling Kendra’s book ‘lies’, a lot of what they called out as lies were either a matter of interpreting her retelling of events from her perspective, or have some plausibility.
Like her ‘lie’ about not sleeping with Hef before moving in. If you read the excerpt from her book, it’s just a matter of when Kendra officially became a girlfriend after what was essentially a ‘trial run’. It’s semantics of when she technically considered the relationship official.
Or the idea of Hef asking her to move in the first night without a ‘casting couch’ situation being unprecedented—Playmate and ex-girlfriend Stephanie Heinrich describes a very similar courtship
Holly and Bridget were taken aback at the ‘lie’ that Kendra felt lost at the mansion and wandered around, but in the commentary both things happened—Kendra was overwhelmed and Bridget helped. The retelling doesn’t make it a lie. Or that Kendra said they didn’t re-wear outfits when they did, and Izabella spoke about the pressure to always have new, non-repeat outfits for promotional/press events and Kendra didn’t specify the difference.
Any comments about Holly in ‘Sliding into Home’ basically boil down to ‘we weren’t close at first, her focus was Hef, our interests were different, but we grew closer over the course of the show’.
But in Holly’s ‘retaliation’ through her book, there are nonstop digs at Kendra, both subtle and explicit. To name just a few: a loudmouth, entitled, lazy person who fried her brain with drugs.
Holly’s book comments about Kendra
Seriously, she goes in on Kendra.
During the course of the show, there are some revealing moments in the form of passive-aggressive digs at her over the commentary here and here
And a couple out of so many examples of Holly changing the topic on any Kendra-relates scenes to not have attention on her here and here
This article cites reporting from Page Six about the end being near for GND and that Holly and Kendra are fighting:
“Holly and Bridget hate her,” a friend of Wilkinson told Page Six. “They’re totally jealous. She has her own empire now. She’s got a clothing line, a modeling career and an exercise empire. They’re just sitting there hangin’ with Hef.” The friend expounds, “Kendra was never really Hef’s girlfriend. She was cast for the show [E!’s ‘The Girls Next Door’] because Bridget and Holly are old, and they needed a young hot girl for Hef. She was selected from a bunch of Playmate wannabes.” Madison is 28, Marquardt, 34. Wilkinson celebrated her 21st birthday last year. Wilkinson is said to be eyeing her exit from “The Girls Next Door” and the famed mansion next season. “She’s definitely out,” her friend said. “There are too many rules and Holly and Bridget want her gone. They’re so mean to her.”
Holly responded on her MySpace that the article was a lie, and she and Kendra get along fine with no jealousy, only to make a bunch of digs at her expense:
“The latest Page 6 story is especially dumb. Saying I am jealous of Kendra because she has an "empire" and I'm "just sitting around with Hef"? What "empire"? I guess because I have a real full-time job aside from The Girls Next Door (excuse me for having a brain and having something REAL going on in my life as opposed to following in the footsteps of the socialite-of-the-week) means I am "sitting around" doing nothing. I guess having people announce clothing lines and workout products that never come to fruition means you are doing something.”
https://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/25635091.html
In Kendra’s 2011 book ‘Being Kendra’ she wrote:
Of course I’d had relationship with people like Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt in the past, but they were really just roommates, not close friends. We shared a boyfriend, we shared the spotlight, but now that I’m a mom we’re all just in different places. I just changed. I think it’s something that just happens naturally when you become a mom. You just grow up. Someone like Holly has a different lifestyle from me. I love her but I don’t know the people she hangs out with—they are more on the party scene, and I’ve put those days behind me. We still talk (she always gave me amazing words of encouragement during Dancing with the Stars and sent me fun little notes) but being a Vegas showgirl and constantly on the prowl for a new boyfriend . . . that’s her world, not mine. When it came to the baby, people like that just weren’t around. I was very alone.
[this 2015 article](RadarOnlinehttps://radaronline.com › photos › h...holly madison kendra wilkinson feud hank baskett ...) goes into their falling out—basically that Holly called Kendra fake, and her husband Hank wanted her to distance herself from Playboy:
According to Holly, Kendra cut ties with both her and Bridget after their run on the show ended in 2009; Holly said after she texted Kendra calling her cowardly and the "fakest person," the aloof reality star shot back, "WHO ARE YOU???? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS. IT WAS ALL JUST WORK."
"He wanted no ties to anyone from her Playboy lifestyle even though that's how Kendra and Hank got together," the friend claimed.
"A lot of it has to do with the fact that Kendra lacked a father figure," the friend claimed. "She just sought father figures in the relationships that she was in."
Shaded Kendra in this 2013 interview:
Wilkinson herself has a 3-year-old son, yet the 33-year-old Madison has revealed that she still talks to Bridget Marquardt, but not Wilkinson or Hugh Hefner. Madison explained that: ''Bridget and I are still friends, but I don't talk to anyone else. I moved on from the whole Playboy thing five years ago and really never looked back. I'm not one of those girls who goes back to all the parties and things.''
“I tried to be friends with her. I’ve known about three different Kendra’s since I met her.”
“Here was a rookie who had just gone all the way with an old dude and her only concern was how big her room was going to be”

Hey. I assume a couple of you are older or know someone who grew up in the early 2000s. Here's the thing... I don't know if anybody actually remembers or it was just a dream... For starters people tossed slurs around like candy. Everyone was posting crap like 2 girls 1 cup or cartel videos of guys getting heads cut off. Horrible people like Shane Dawson were popular. Bullying was what people on the early internet did for fun. It's still around to an extent but nothing to the level it was in the early internet.
People would post viruses in YouTube comments to screw with people. Bands like Mindless Self Indulgence were popular without taking themselves seriously or caring who they offended. Fucking Fall Out Boy tricked there fans into going to a porn site. MTV reality shows were about showcasing the worst of humanity. People would have Halo 2 parties where you'd hear 12 year olds scream the n word constantly.
I don't necessarily think it's bad those times are passed. It's probably for the best honestly. But like... The cultural shock is real. It felt like yesterday I was watching Orgrish videos and now you guys are getting offended by Family Guy jokes. I saw 10 people get there heads cut off but you guys are mad Peter said the F word?
It gives me the impression older people from my generation are fucking lying to fit in. I know guys from my generation didn't care. People in my high school and college were all like this.
But now suddenly you guys care about social justice and being a good person? Pretend you didn't like American Pie or Jackass?Such fucking liars.
Edit: This post was mainly for the current Generation Z. Millennials are straight up lying to you and themselves. Don't believe for a second the people who used to post Goatse under Myspace threads and laughed at Shane Dawson doing black face suddenly magically changed overnight.
There following cultural trends to fit in. I've seen a few comments that do seem sincerely condemning those times. But I think the majority of people just do whatever they can get away with. If culture hadn't of shifted I guarantee at least 85% of Millennials would still be the same terrible people they were in the early 2000s.

This year. I caught In Flames set. I don't really listen to the band all that much, but last time they were at Rockville I managed to catch their set right before the rain delay which I loved. I also like Lorna Shore and they seem to be that bands biggest influence.
I watched this years in flames set left side stage about 8-9 rows back. It was a pretty spread out crowd, so it was super easy to see the performance and the people around us. Alot of people around us knew every word, which is pretty shocking seeing how little you can really understand vocally. But always a great thing.
There was specifically a younger girl behind me (about 13-14 years old MAYBE) with her dad who was there and they both knew every word. I'm 22 and it reminded me of when I was at shows when I was younger, seeing Asking Alexandria and Myspace deathcore bands that I really liked. Well, at the end of the performance I managed to catch a drum stick. I have a pretty solid collection of drum sticks and guitar picks labeled, but the daughter and father combo both were like "aw man! It was right there! So close but congratulations on getting it" attitude so I gave it to them. The girl started tearing up and the dad thanked me and shook my hand.
I hope I made their festival experience alot better.
I hope you see this and if an opportunity reveals itself to do something good or right for someone else, to make their weekends that much better do so. I haven't had anyone do anything nice to me in the years of going to this festival (quite the opposite tbh) but i'll tell you. The joy of seeing their face with the drumstick was worth more to me than that drumstick ever could be.

So this is a long one. Like, I'm going back over it and damn. This is longer than I thought it would be. Throwaway account, I've only made one other post to this relating to what's going on. Instead of updating the other post, I figured I'd make a separate one about the whole shit show I experienced, and the shit circus I uncovered and avoided. I'll try to keep this in as chronological an order as I can.
As the title says, my abusive/narc mom and pos/delusional/golden child brother started trying to reach out to me a few months ago wanting to make amends and build bridges with me again. There were a few people that commented on my previous post in another subreddit that may be a little disappointed in me for how I handled this, and a few that might enjoy that I handled it the way I did. Someone commented to not let them use my good nature. My nature is dependent on who I'm dealing with, and when it comes to that side of my family, I'm more stick than carrot. So their attempts did not go ignored, and did not go unpunished.
Growing up, I was always closer with my Dad than my mom. My brother was the epitome of "pampered mamma's boy". He started having seizures as a child and was diagnosed with epilepsy, which I thought was why my mom babied the absolute fuck out of him long into adulthood. He would go a year or 2 without any seizures, and then there would be a few months where he'd be having them every other day. At Anytime he got in trouble at home or school, my mom would find a way to blame me, for not making sure he knew whatever he was doing would get him in trouble, or she would blame my dad for not being "involved enough in their baby's life." My dad was in the Navy and I remember any time he'd deploy, I'd dread every day until he came back. My brother would taunt me that he knew whatever he did, I'd be the one to get in trouble for it. My dad would always make things up for me when he got back from his deployments though. We'd often have weekend trips just the 2 of us. And then around my 12th birthday, my mom insisted on sitting us all down and explain to that she and my dad were getting a divorce. We got the whole talk about how they still love us and they just can't be together anymore, etc. my dad told us both that he still loved us and he would be there for us whenever we needed him. He explained that he would be moving out, but he would be by to pick us up to spend the weekends with us. I was nervous and honestly scared of what it would be like without him. But I was looking forward to the weekend when I got to see him again. That never happened though, and that was the last time I ever got to see him.
Right before his weekend with us, my mom explained to us that my dad didn't want anything to do with us anymore. There was some news story about a father that killed his kids when he had custody of them and she used that to terrify my brother and convince him that our dad wanted to kill us to start his life over. We left damn near everything behind and moved in with my mom's brother in Florida (from Virginia) a couple days before my dad was supposed to come get us. After that, she went to great lengths to make sure we had no contact from him.
Years went on, my mom seemed more indifferent towards me than ever. She never seemed interested in anything I did unless my brother also seemed interested in it. She didn't show any interest in my wanting to learn guitar until my brother also showed interest in it. Then we got one guitar that we had to share, I'd take lessons on the condition that I taught my brother whatever I learned in them. My brother eventually wound up breaking the guitar and I was blamed for not storing it in the case it came with. I had to share my N64 with him whenever he wanted to play it. I was playing perfect dark one day and having a hard time killing the skedar leader at the end of the game. My brother burst into the room saying he wanted to play his MegaMan game, to which I just replied "give me a minute, this boss fight is hard, once I'm done you can have your turn" He didn't like that. He left the room and came back with a hammer and smashed the console while I was still playing. My fault for not letting him play it. The only thing I had that he could not use was a pair of roller blades my aunt got me for my 14th birthday. I specifically asked for roller blades to get around instead of a bike because my brother and I had different shoe sizes, so he couldn't wear them Because of constant shit like that, I never really put much value in having things growing up. I didnt want to buy something or get something as a gift just to have it fucked up in a few weeks or months. At some point, my "little" brother became the larger one, so my clothes all became "hand-me-ups" as he outgrew everything. So, because I didn't really have any distractions at home, I turned into a high achieving student, rarely got in trouble. made the honor roll all throughout school. But that wasn't something to celebrate as it was expected of me. I had long since decided that I was moving out as soon as I could once I turn 18. I got a job working at a Walgreens as soon as I could and started saving up for a car. My mom however took issue with this and would never agree to take me looking for one and absolutely refused to ever have it put on her insurance. This is where my Aunt comes in. She and her son are the only 2 on my mom's side that aren't some sort of degenerate. She had her son young, but put herself through college while raising him alone and eventually got her MBA and a cushy upper corporate job. She told me to tell my mom I had to go in to work on one of my days off, that she would pick me up and she would take me car shopping. So that's what we did. I couldn't quite afford a cash car, but she helped me with the financing. I put down what I had as the down payment, the arrangement she made with me was that 1- as long as I was in school, she would cover the insurance and payments for me, however, if I got into an accident, I was responsible for paying the deductable. And 2- as long as i was living with my mom, the car remained in her (Aunt's) name. And if anything happened to it, to let her know so she could get the appropriate authorities involved. My mom was PISSED when she found out I now had a car. Her reasoning (that she said in front of my aunt) was that she didn't think it was fair for one of us-either me or my brother- to have something the other couldn't use. Due to him being 13 and having epilepsy, he couldn't drive, so why should i have a car if my brother doesn't? That turned into a long shouting match between my mom and Aunt that basically ended with my aunt explaining that since it was her car, and all paperwork on her name, I was just on the insurance for it so I could drive it. But if anything at all happened to it while I was living at my Mom's, that the police and insurance companies would get involved. My mom still kept track of all the miles on the car to "make sure I was only going to work and school and wherever she told me I could go". Most of the time, when I hung out with friends, I wasn't the one driving. From that that point though, my mindset was very much "keep my head down and nose clean until I can leave." I graduated a month before my 18th birthday. After graduation, my mom and i got into an argument about me contributing to her bills. I eventually dropped the ball that I planned on getting back in touch with my Dad and leaving. She started laughing. Something about that laugh made me really uncomfortable. She then said "well, you can certainly meet up with him whenever you want! I'll supply the gun if you buy the bullet!" And told me my dad had died when I was 15. That. Fucking. Broke. Me. Later that night, i called my best friend and vented everything to him. He was in the DEP program for the Navy and would be shipping out in a few months, he told me to come by first thing in the morning and talk with him and his parents about the whole situation. I basically packed up all of my clothes and left the day after my 18th birthday. I just left my house key and a note that said "I'm not your problem anymore." I couch surfed for a little while until after my best friend left for boot camp, then I was able to move in and live with his parents (chosen parents basically). My only real rules were keep the house and my space clean and make sure I had a job and/or going to school. I spent a few months mourning my dad and kind of in a haze. Since he was in the Navy though, that meant I was reliable for financial aid for school. My second dad helped me get everything put together to start receiving that so I could start college.
Well, after a couple years of this, my brother, who had spent his time at school more as "forced socializing" instead of learning, was expelled from public schools for allegedly setting off a fire extinguisher in a classroom. He had to enroll at an alternative school called "the drop back-in academy" that was specifically for dropouts or anyone that got the boot from the public school system. My mom reached out to me and asked me if I would drive him to this school in the mornings, she'd pick him up in the afternoons, and she'd pay me $20 a week.I agreed to it thinking this was out of character for her, but she surprisingly held up to that agreement. I drove him for a couple years until I was ready to start my bachelor program. My second parents were getting ready to move back to their hometown and I was going to start school on the other side of the city. So, I was moving to that side of town and couldn't really drive out of my way to pick up and drop off my brother anymore. He continued his enrollment at this place for another 3 years (5 years total) and it turned out, he was never attending. I would drop his ass off there every day and he'd just walk home immediately after I pulled out of the parking lot. He'd just tell my mom that he finished his work early and decided to walk home instead of wait around for her. One afternoon, I'm coming home early from work and my brother is just sitting on the steps to my studio apartment. He tells me that he and our mom got into a really big argument and he needs a place to stay. I (reluctantly) let him in. I'm stuck thinking he must be really desperate if he's coming to me for help. But I start thinking at this point, he's 24, jobless, and probably needs to learn some self discipline and responsibility, and our mom just never did that for him. So I try to help. I ask him what their fight was about and he tells me that he started dating this girl at his alternative school. She was 21 and got the boot from the school system for being too old to attend (we actually have several relatives that were kicked out of the school system for the same reason) and that he accidentally got her pregnant and our mom did not take kindly to that. I called my landlord and explained the situation to him. He was okay with it, so I let him crash on my couch for a little bit (until the end of my lease, then I'd be moving) and just told him to clean up after himself, take care of himself, etc until we could all work this out. He crashed there for a few months and did Jack shit. He would complain that I didn't have a computer for him to use (I only had a laptop I bought for school) and I didn't have any video game consoles for him to entertain himself with. So he was stuck there bored all day. I got tired of the complaining and lack of effort and told him he had to go back to our mom's if he wasn't going to be an adult. We started shouting at each other until he dropped this little bombshell. He yelled "I can't go back to Mom's!" And when I asked why, he just blurted out "because it's to close to that elementary school!" That stopped the whole thing. "And why is that a big deal now?" I asked him. I already knew why that would be the problem, but 1% of me was holding onto the hope that he was got jumped by a gang of 5th graders and the trauma was too much for him to bear. I told him he could either tell me what's going on, or I could make a phone call and get every last detail I needed. He confessed that he had been leaving that school and going over to his "girlfriend's" house and waiting for her to get home. And that one day, her mom ended up catching them in the act. I explained to him that he was leaving out important details if that was the reason he couldn't be near a school.
He told me she was 14, not 21. I. Lost. My. Shit. Everything after that is kinda fuzzy, but he was arrested, mom posted bail, and since she lived right around the corner from an elementary school, he couldn't stay there. So they told his parole officer that he'd be staying at my address until his court date.. his PO had swung by a couple times, but I was always either at work or school or out somewhere. At this point, I told him the lease was up in 6 weeks, I couldn't stand to be around him. I packed my stuff early, moved out into a storage unit, and I stayed at an extended stay hotel until it was time for me to move. Called my landlord and told him what was going on, and if my brother was still there the last week of the lease, nail him for trespassing. My landlord was a good guy. I never had any problems with him. I paid up the last 6 weeks and threw him since extra cash for his troubles as I knew I wouldn't be getting my deposit back. That was the last time I saw my brother. After I moved out of state, I cut all contact with everyone in that family except my Aunt who was the only one that ever helped me out or even had my back. But even then, it was just through email. We'd mainly email birthday and holiday wishes to each other. Updates from my side on how life and career are going.
I never had a myspace or a Facebook growing up. I either never had a computer to check it on, or I was just so accustomed to not having any online distractions that I just never got around to making one. I did finally make a Facebook and I did get in touch with my dad's side of the family and reconnected with them. I hadn't seem most of them since I was 4 or 5. Some of them had been in contact with my brother (he fucking knew our dad died) and was spinning some sort of web about how he graduated high school early, had gone to college for pre-med and then got some sort of full ride scholarship to some prestigious medical school in Florida. He told them I wasn't on social media because I had been arrested for selling drugs and that he was taking me in after I got released. He was also using my senior portrait as a profile pic. They were surprised when they saw me and how I "looked just like my brother!" I had set the record straight. They looked dumbfounded when I told them that he couldn't get himself out of the 9th grade in 10 years, and now would likely never complete his high school journey due to the fact he can't be within 100 yards of a school.
So, fast forward to last week. I checked my email for the first time since late January (for my aunt's birthday) and noticed a few from her saying my mom wanted to reach out, then several emails from a new address. It was my mom's first initial and last name. Subject lines usually read "please respond" and "let me know you're okay" and stuff like that. I'd copy some of them over, but holy shit this is already a novella. Basically she got my email address from sneaking my aunt's phone (aunt did not sell me out). She's trying to apologize for how she treated me growing up and trying to excuse it by saying I reminded her of my dad and then she was going through menopause and just any excuse to dishes full accountability it seems. She acknowledges that it was wrong to hold me accountable for my brother's fuck-ups but dismisses that by saying he didn't know any better and she needed me to be a good role model for him. Things have been hard for her since I left, since she "had" to take my brother back in (I would've left him on the street or in jail), she had to sell her house (she was only 10 years into her mortgage) and buy another smaller one further from a school for him. He never did get a hs diploma or GED because how can he? And she's been going through breast cancer treatment for the last several months and just doesn't have the energy to take care of her 33yo baby anymore. She asked me if I lived close enough to them to take him in for a little bit while she focuses on her health. I left Florida 8 years ago and haven't even lived in the same time zone in 6 years. She can only check her email at work since she no longer has Internet at home. She had to cancel her home Internet service because of him. So, I decided to just put my brother's name into a search bar and the first thing that pops up is a FDLE sex offender's page. And holy shit has he gone downhill. He had a second arrest when he was 27 for the same thing, and then was caught in communications with another girl (like Chris Hansen sting) and was released from prison at the beginning of the year. And the mugshot.... You know the pale lady from the scary stories to tell in the dark movie? Think that, but with a patchy beard. Beady eyes, bad skin and all. According to the sheriff's office inmate search, he's been arrested 5 times in the last 10 years. Twice for lewd and lascivious battery of a minor (aged 12-15), once for solicitation of a minor, and twice for probation violations.
The TL/DR: abusive mom took all her frustrations out on me, blamed me for everything my brother did, hid my father's death from me until I was almost 18, and reaches out after 8 years of no contact and wants me to take care of her pedophile son while she's in poor health.
I'm attaching my response to her below.
Hi. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm also not okay with you contacting me, especially under the circumstances that you violated the privacy of your own sister to get my contact information. I have read your apologies and excuses and I do not accept either. You say I reminded you of Dad? He spent more time with me and showed more interest in my well-being than you ever did, and that's including the 6 years he was absent from my life by your own selfish design. Menopause? I find that hard to believe as this went on for the better part of half a decade and not once in that time did your attitude towards brother change. You always treated him with the same coddling infantile obsession and patience that one would show a toddler. It was and is clear that you have a preferred child as that adult-sized pile of shit is still living comfortably with dear old mama. I'm guessing no one else is willing to take him in? Are Uncle and Cousins afraid of him doing something to their daughters or grandchildren? I do believe you when you say you want to rebuild the bridge that you nuked from orbit years ago, but I can't believe it's not for your own selfish desires. And I can't find any reason or way my quality of life could be improved with your presence. The reality is, my life has been far better without you than it could be with you. I've never said this to anyone, but if there is a sense of karma and balance in the universe, your current situation is proof of that. The next time I see your name on my computer screen, had better be for your obituary. But since you and the monster you raised both decided to keep Dad's death a secret from me, and remove any choice I had to mourn or pay my respects, I'll return that kindness to you.
Please die away from me.

I'm writing this because in another thread someone said something about just making music because you feel like it and then deciding whether to post it online or not. That got me thinking.
I know there are people saying things like "I just make music because it's fun and I don't care about money, fame etc", but I always felt like this was some kind of virtue signal and/or a cope. It always seemed strange that people would make music that they never had any intention of showing off to other people.
Now I know for myself I'm one of those people "who have to" make music, but then I started to wonder is there a big blurred line between doing it because you need to do it for yourself and because you have some external goal you want to attain? If you removed that goal whether it be money, recognition, "passive" streaming income a.k.a an easy life etc, would your life actually just be happier overall?
Being someone in his mid thirties and having started music production around the time just a bit before myspace came around (a lot of us were on soundclick before then from what I remember), it just seems like it was a given you would make your track and upload it online for recognition or critique etc, but if you think about it, that was probably quite a new phenomenon in general for young people who were just getting into what was still only in the early stages of becoming an ever more accessible art form. We didn't know of the struggles the generation which proceeded us had to deal with, e.g. having to go through the gate keepers and various processes just to have a record released. So in a way, we were trained from young just to make music, release, make music, release like it was completely normal - and it's almost like it's had some sort of neurological imprint / effect on us.
Now, they say that the root of suffering is desire, but if you have no desire to "make it" or make anything for that matter in the world of music, would your existence just be generally happier and more peaceful? Would you even make that much music? You hear about people who just play the piano for themselves, so why don't producers do that?

Like most (if not all) of us my life was on MySpace and later Facebook. I never really thought about it then, but I was creating the photo albums my parents kept stored away in their closets.
Eventually I needed a more professional email than the one I created Hotmail and had mostly moved on from MySpace at that point. Years later I would realize Facebook was an awful place and delete my account.
I've completely lost access to my MySpace account/profile (yes they're still out there if you haven't looked). And more frustratingly over the years of hard drive swaps, and thumb drives, and iPhoto, and Google Drive, I've lost my Facebook data dump.
When people share photos of the good old days I have hard stop that isn't older than about 10 years.
I'll never be able to show my kids my Mohawk and lip ring, they'll just have to take my word for it.

Hey, I'm 32 and work from home. Thankfully I'm not being made to go back into the office, which is nice. However I'm realizing that talking to co workers in person was how I got my limited need for social interaction fulfilled.
So now I'm looking for someone to be that sparky co worker during the day between meetings. Maybe if we become good enough friends we'll chat and hangout after work too.
I want to complain about the emails I get asking for info I already sent over and talk about the shows we just binged over the weekend. Encourage each other to treat ourselves cause we work hard and need a break. Complain about missed appointment windows from repair companies who were supposed to be her hours ago and now I'm stuck and can't go to the grocery store. We even used to do potlucks at work, so maybe we can swap recipes and do a virtual one.
Anyway, this seems to be my new normal for now. Let's talk about boring things from the 1900s we miss in today's technological age. Things were much simpler in 8 bit. Send me your A/S/L and let me know the song you had up on your MySpace

warning: this post is long
I (29M) went no contact with my dad about 6 months ago…
A little backstory about dad. He’s had a somewhat difficult life. He immigrated here from vietnam as a teenager in the 70’s around the time the US pulled out of the war. He was adopted by a family in a very small town in Tennessee. i’m sure dealt with bullies, racism and being socially ostracized at school (this was a backwoods bible belt HS in the 70’s/80’s) but he made it through. He had a terribly traumatic experience as a teen where he accidentally killed his younger cousin while playing with a gun, which I know for a fact still haunts him to this day. After he graduated, he served in the navy for a couple years, went to college, met/married my mom, became a citizen, had my older sister, started a career in engineering, and had me six years later.
We had a good relationship when I was a kid. He’d take me fishing, ride bikes, soccer games. My mom divorced him when I was in second grade. He moved across town into a furnished basement where my grandma (his mom) lived upstairs. it was honestly not a bad spot at all.. but our relationship started to deteriorate around this time. The custody arrangement was he got me and my sister every thursday and every other weekend
bc of the divorce, i had to change schools in 3rd grade, leave my childhood friends behind, and start a new life. Mind you, i was a very shy child. I went to a small town school where everyone’s parents grew up with each other, went to church together, went to everyone’s birthdays, holidays, ect. My mom is from new york and my dads an immigrant, so I had a hard time fitting in and making friends right off the bat. I didn’t understand this at the time, and thought I was just destined to be a weird kid, bottom of the social totem pole.
I did not do well in school, and this is about where the rift in our relationship started. Dad is very old school, he was a big fan of corporal punishment and used it liberally. if he thought I was being a smartass, back talked, disobeyed, or came home with bad grades (which was often) he would scream, smack me in the face, spank (with bare hands or a belt depending on his mood) and made sure HE was the consequences for my actions. Mind you, I was not a bad kid. I was shy, quiet, and just wanted to fit in. I was not a class clown, i didn’t get in much trouble, i was honestly afraid of drawing attention to myself. I internalized much of my anxiety. But the grades and the “back talking” (which looking back was just me sticking up for myself against him) were enough to bring out his most abusive characteristics. I remember one time in 4th grade, I was having trouble with my math homework. I stayed up for hours trying to finish. when I told him i was tired and didn’t want to do it anymore , he stood up and smacked me so hard i fell out of my chair. i still remember how my head was throbbing in paid going to bed that night
middle school was not much better. grades were C average at best. I started growing my hair out, got into skateboarding, wore black clothes, listened to heavy music and rap, started smoking weed in 7th grade. i made friends with the other social reject skater kids at my school, and honestly made a lot of great memories from back then. relationship with dad got exponentially worse. then one day in 8th grade, a week before summer vacation, someone told on me for having weed in my locker, and i was expelled. this obviously caused an uproar with dad. i once again had to give up all the friends i made and any social life i managed to cultivate during those years.
so my freshman year, i had the choice of either home school or alternative school, which my parents chose home schooling for me. i’d go to work with mom and do my schoolwork on a laptop in a spare office. the only social life i had was a girlfriend a met on myspace (really showing my age here lol). she lived in the next county over so i was allowed to see her some weekends, but i broke up with her at the end of the year.
fast forward to sophomore year, i’m back at public school. gave up skateboarding and took up guitar. still had a hard time making friends, still got yelled at for poor grades, but i was able to have a car and a job, and i started smoking weed again. dad found makeshift bowls a couple times and i got yelled at for that too. wound up graduating as a C average student, so apparently all those beatings i took as a kid for my grades didn’t help at all (i know, shocker)
as a young adult, much to my dads ire, i decided i wanted to pursue music as a performer. it was my passion all through middle and high school, and i thought i had a gift for it. so i worked at restaurants and construction jobs while pursuing music on the side for years until i was able to quit my job and start performing full time, making more money than most of my peers who went to college and worked normal jobs. dad discouraged me the whole time
in 2019 dad helped me out by co-signing for a car. i wanted a cheap beater i could run into the ground, but he convinced me i needed more reliable transportation. i’m pretty sure he thought this was his way to make me quit music and get a real job so i could make the payments/insurance, but it was around this time i was starting to book way better, higher paying gigs. it wound up working out just fine
2020 comes around, pandemic hits, and i go from playing 5-7 nights a week to zero. had to call an old construction boss and to go back to work. he put me on a job out of town where i stayed 5 nights a week at the job site, came back home to the spot i was renting on the weekends. i really struggled that year financially and mentally, i missed a few car payments that year, but paid what i could. dad would call me every now and then demanding i make my payments, tell me i’m ruining his credit (he has a great job and makes plenty of money btw), and basically making me feel like an absolute dead beat as if there was no pandemic and the only reason i’m falling behind is bc of my life choices.
well, things opened back up, i went back to playing music full time in 2021, and got caught back up on my payments. dad still thinks i’m wasting my life away, that i should go to college or trade school and get a real job.
fast forward to 2023, my girlfriend and i decide we want to move to south florida. there’s a ton of bars and restaurants i can perform at, make way more money, and my girlfriend is very attractive so we figured she would do good serving tables on the beach. we spent all year renting a shitty trailer on some guys property in our hometown so we could save money to move. we managed to save about $15k and started looking for apartments in ft. lauderdale. once this started becoming a reality, i told my dad when i was visiting one day about our plans, and his reaction (predictably) was to mention everything that could go wrong. it’s expensive, there’s hurricanes, there’s lots of ppl down there trying to do music so what makes you think YOU can, it gets hot in the summer.
it was at that moment i decided i don’t need him in my life anymore. his negativity is infectious, he has never been supportive or encouraging of anything i’ve wanted to do in my life, he is the voice in my head that makes me doubt myself, he’s the reason that even with all i’ve been able to accomplish as a musician, i find it difficult to feel proud of myself. he spent my entire childhood/teen years crushing my spirit and destroying my self esteem
before i moved, i had a back-and-forth with him on messenger, explaining all the ways his behavior, actions, and abuse have affected me over the years. his response was to essentially deny all of it, accuse me of cherry picking, called me ungrateful, and hit me with the classic “sorry i’m not perfect”
that was our last conversation. now i’m living in ft. lauderdale with my beautiful girlfriend. we’ve been sober for almost a full year, my calendar is full of gigs, we’re making more money than we’ve ever made between her serving tables and me playing music. i feel great about where i am in life
i feel guilty and sometimes i get really depressed thinking about my dad. i still have a hard time making friends as an adult, i feel like the self hatred i inherited from him caused me to miss out on a lot of experiences in my most formative years. i have difficulty opening up to people. i know in some twisted way, my dad cares about me. he did his best, but his best was not great, and at this point i think he’s too old and stuck in his ways to make any meaningful changes that could recover our relationship
i’m gonna stop here because i feel like i’ve actually written my whole life story in this post. thanks for reading
TL;DR: dad has been a huge dick my whole life so i went no contact. now my life is great but i’m riddled with guilt and depression about my childhood