Poems to haterz

This is my first post on this subreddit.I wanted to speak on this situation for a long time other than a therapist. I’m hoping maybe can heal.from.it or get some feedback on it, since I kept everything to my self for so long. I want to not be completely one sided as it would not.be right to.put the blame on them..
I graduated high school in 2013, and I had been awarded a scholarship to an art school for 45,000 ( 11,000 per year or semester I.think). This is considered a big deal to my family at the time since I'm a first generation and we weren’t an affluent family so college for me would be expensive. I'm thinking before I officially start as a freshman that I should work on my mental health so that I did not behave the same way I did in high school as I was currently seeing a new therapist.. My mom totally disregarded this and said " You just need to work on your art". One side told.me.to disobey her the other part of me says to obey and listen...
I got to pre collage at the same art college I attended. At first it was okay but very lonely... then I started feeling like I didn't belong/ talked about/ despite this not being the case.
During final a portrait I made had been run over by a truck and because of my perfectionism it made me like huge feelings of feeling like a failure, etc.
During critique, I walked out when I stated this, I felt a part felt like they were laughing at me. One My head is swirling, big wave of emotion. I felt like walking out of the situation ( like a girl in my class did before ) and to avoid a huge emotional episode...
The instructor chases down the hallway asking me if I’m okay, I asked to be left alone... I threw all my art away, mom picked me up.. I didn't want to be seen or acknowledged.
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After I had calmed down, I felt embarrassed and I didnt want there to be no discomfort in college ( because some of the people in my pre college course would also be attending the school) I thought to.email them.and explain the situation ( plus doing so in person at the time made me squeamish and afraid of conflict).Didn't have any social media info, I messaged one online , but another a teacher assistant I got angry at. Knowing sending this email would be a bad idea and it felt better putting out whatever negative angry thoughts and throwing it away... However when I went to.discard the message on my old touch/keyboard board phone.. I accidently pressed 'Sent'. Immediately think' shit what the fuck did I just do!?’
First week in college and I am nervous... new people take awhile.to get comfortable and even then I keep to myself...
So one day in class, ( can't remember what week it was) they were talking about " someone being from here.. at first I'm thinking are they referring to me? But learning from.my.therapist that I can get paranoid I disregarded the feeling.
Here where things really took off…
So the person that I have message them, told others that I messaged.them... the teacher assistant told one of students.... I'm.hearing other people on campus talk about it...
Hearing words like stalker come up..at this point I know they are referring to me..and wanted to explain myself but I was scared/ nervous..So I tried to left it alone.
Since I have a learning disability and I have trouble being able to translate my thoughts verbally meaning things will sound like jibber jabber. It’s difficult when I want to opinion on something and a part of you can’t an withewls you from doing so. In addition, people will assume you have no idea what you are talking about and therefore will try to simplify/ repeat what you are saying and assume I am stupid. I tried to explain before ( to even one of them who had ADHD), and they sa
Also this has caused me to be shy among other people. Like I would want to talk to people, and I end staring, because internally two personalities are fighting with each whether or not I should say “ Hi”.
It started happening multiple times, when I would try to speak my mind in class and people will make snarky comments that I need to shut up ( especially with this particular girl who had a bull ring on her nose that I HATED), or assume I’m uneducated or said something offensive. In addition in this same class we had an exercise where we needed to respond to a ( poem?) by typing them on other people’s laptops. Now I use Windows, and Macs for some reason feel weird to type on. I don’t know if it’s the keys placement or how small they are. So typing on them felt weird and unnatural to me. I go back to see the responses and everyone made their fonts super big, meaning they probably assumed I was stupid( which happened in all of my classes).
I felt guilty in saying that I did try to appease any of these people into thinking otherwise without explaining myself. Like at the time, I did not know how to control my big feelings, even though I have a half that is more rational thinking. All it really did was support their argument. Ending in one one liking me at campus. Shit, I even ended up seeing who the hell these people were on facebook. Like this stuff was really affecting me, but like I didn't know what I could do really.
In addition, people on campus were thinking I was following people around campus after I had made a trip to try to go to the doctor I’ve been going to since I was a baby by transit ( this was my first time doing so by myself since I did not know which routes to take, I was very sheltered). I saw one of my classmates on the block I needed to get to. I’m thinking to myself… shit they are going to think I’m following them now…
Next day, in class, people were making comments ( you know like those comments that seem they are not talking about you but they are..) and this was pissing me off. Then the nose ring had to audacity to make an off racist comment..and I tried to call them out. This lead to me asking them why is it that everyone was so insistent on talking about me, and doing shotty shit like wondering who I was without asking me.. Meanwhile across the room, a student drew a caricature of me, and saying that it was not me even though the drawing shared similar physical characteristics ( curly hair, hoop earrings), meanwhile the instructor was distracted by another student. In addition, they added in a speech bubble to the drawing with a quote of something I told a security guard from the other night when I wanted to take a cab home because I did not want to have another anxiety attack on the transit.
So all them left the classroom annoyed. While I looked at the drawing, I thought of taking a picture.. I erased it instead. And my instructor told me while looking at the drawing, how kids can be so mean.. Despite one of them being 25…
I told some friends of mine what had happened.. And they asked me if I took a picture. I tried to show them a negative of the white board. And one of them said, that if what I said was true (meaning they didn’t believe me, I mean who would)... I could sue them. But I didn’t want to resort to that.
Stuff like this basically happening everyday for the rest of the year…..

1. People thinking I’m stealing laptops and looking on their phones. A girl snatched my phone out of my hands thinking it was hers ( we had the same model). It ended up being on the other side of the table.
2. During a group presentation, since I was not ready ( going through this, and stuff a home). My groupmate proceeded to make fun of how I was standing to the other class. Instead of saying, I could not focus on a project because I am not able to mentally handle this, and shit at home. I tried to explain to them I had ADHD, they also had it but they were saying that " You knew you had a presentation". But even then does it excuse how you treated me?
3. People constantly thinking I had this “They are haterz” mentality… yet I found everything to be annoying and did not want any of this attention. Dissociated at class a couple of times, wishing I was out of my body.
4. Me feeling I could not make friends and enjoy college since everyone believed based on what others told them. I wanted to tell them.
5. Feeling paranoid, to the point I felt nervous going to campus. Having to make alternate routes to make sure that others did not think I was following them.. Ex. Had this ha group setting where I saw someone look at me assuming I was stalking this said group of people. Made me feel like I could not hang out with anyone outside of school because of this.
6. Hearing from people who go to the school, even outside of campus talking about it and mentioning how it ‘ technically’ isn't bullying. Making me feel like I had deserved this treatment and brought it onto myself.
7. The group warning someone who I was talking to before ( we were having a nice conversation actually..), after getting done from a therapy appointment. Then I heard “ thanks for the warning ..”, and this person never talked to me again….
8. People constantly making comments on what I was wearing ( saying how I looked like a bum), my shoes, my music ( like they were listening in on my music and I heard them., my eyes especially since they go wayward, people suggested making memes.
9. People , and entire classes sitting away from me, and not critiquing my artwork ( meaning they sat there for a whole 5 mins not saying anything or not talking about off conversations.), and the instructors reaffirming anyone to comment on my work. This happened a lot.
10. Talking about me… in front of me thinking I did not notice ( this also continued into the next year.) Everyone was so hush hush about everything, talking about certain things that happening in classes I was in.
11. People listening in when I talked to a school counselor and talking about it with others.
12. Since I felt mentally stressed out, I felt defeated and was having trouble adjusting to the workload. I had a group project I was made to present to. One of the people in my team made fun of my stance as I talked.
13. During a field trip to Chicago, all day people talked about me. I even heard the security guards at the Museum mention how all the students were talking about a single person. I couldn’t even enjoy it…..
14. At Senior Thesis, I felt alone. And the student teacher admitted to someone that they felt responsible. Since the entirety of my class had talked about me all year.

Then, there was this one incident has permanently affected me. Basically I was researching on a paper, one for my sources lead to a very sketchy website. It was based on a forum I was half reading since it was so late…I clicked on the link it was a site where I assuming people had recorded girls who gone of those webcam chat sites. And it made me panic. Because I did that at 16… The next day, people were huddled in class wondering why I was on the site. This was more confirmed that this was something they were talking about when girl in my class told them how she is on it. Then I assumed they might’ve found a footage of mine, because they started watching it… laughing at it… the instructor even came around and told them to turn it off.
The main guy suggested that it be funny if they made copies and sent it to around campus. A girl told them how they shouldn’t for legal reasons while looking at me. ( Because of this.. I keep all my privacy settings on everything private).
I saw them do all this..and I froze… tried to remove myself from the situation.. I didn’t know how to handle it.. Or what to say to someone…
You may be thinking why did I tell anyone?..
I did.. I told my counselor during the first and she said “ Sounds like you are stuck in High School”, and “ I’m not a therapist”..
I told about the caricature to my parents. Constantly telling them ( I panic when I do this. I didn’t know what to do in this situation. I left out the stuff of the website. Besides, how would they react to find out about the webcam stuff. ). My mom called the Dean. I sat down with him, and I do not know how to exactly explain this ( because who would really believe me? I thought. that a whole group of students was doing this to one person? He was going to think I was crazy.). So I pretend that I maybe overreacted. I tried to tell them who.He asked me last names.. And I didn’t know last names..I wanted to focus in school.
I think a few teachers had heard about this, as they heard students talking about it...I’m thinking how the hell do they even know? I was at home! Even the next year, my ex boyfriend's friend , was checking my computer ( like he knew coding so he was really intelligent with it). Saw that they were some virus or maybe a spyware, and who even made it was doing a good job at hiding it. Even then, I could not prove that it was them as I had some pirated art programs downloaded.
I’m struggling to not show that all this talk of me being a stalker, making me scared of myself, feeling like I was alone and crazy ( with the addition of problems at home) was affecting me. And I ended up with an anxiety attack... And this person told me that “ You know this is how we are going to view you as for now on right?”. And I just sat quiet, because I felt there was no point in trying to explain, because everyone is going to think I am lying or making excuses.
( Side note currently I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which explained these actions, but it still doesn't excuse. ).
By the end of the semester, few of them friended me on facebook. I only accepted so that the whole thing would be over ( even though i wanted to block them). The next semester it was still affecting me.. I self harmed. Friends at did make at campus, whenever I wanted to talk to them about it, I’d try to talk about something else… or I felt since a few of them were friends with the group/ individuals that did these things.. I got the impression either were withholding some things from or they didn’t know.
Even one class that they were talking about me, watching me read... and one of them said " Look she knows how to read", and I asked my professor if I could leave class early.
The next year I was thinking, it would be better…
I walked down the hall form an Adobe Class, I heard a bunch of girls mentioned how “ We should tell..”, but nothing came from it. I’m thinking why are they still talking about me..? Girls from another english course would talk about how “ it’s a good think that’s she’s straight”, apparently they learned that I was dating a guy at the time.. (biphobia much? ).
Then we had a messy breakup at a party, that’s when the girl with the bull ruing kept saying how I show shave my head, one girl noted how I looked “sane”. Even those same girls who said about telling what had happened, I assumed ( I questioned this maybe thinking I was hearing things ) they invited my ex-boyfriend to the campus. And how I know is, when they were laughing.. He had a distinct laugh.. People were suggesting how I needed to grow up... despite the actions of others.
So then, I decided that I didn't want to go through this again for another year, and that I was done with everything ( working a factory job working a double shift, constantly giving my mom money, my parents in fighting ).
I took a lot of my pills, swallowed them the previous night. I woke up… thinking it didn’t work. I had walked to my room, and the next thing that happened was I thought I slept on my bed.. I really just collapsed on the floor and ( according to my mom) I was seizuring. Ended up in ER for a week and inpatient next week…
Tried to finish the rest of the year, and by that time I did not want to spend another year there. I dropped out, my school counselor I even told that I had attempted to take my life, they asked if there was anything they could do. It was like why bother? Just play the role that I am disillusioned instead of telling the truth.
I've even talked about it with my therapist, and even doubted myself all this time. Thinking maybe I have schizophrenia and I’m imagining all this and hearing voices ( despite most of the time visually seeing this happen). Maybe I deserve to be treated so, for how I was acting sometimes. All could say that she was sorry that it happened.
I was even brought up again, during a Trump protest two year later..
Even a few months ago, before I moved and was talking to my therapist regarding getting my Bachelors. I was worried about this happening again. .. She told me “ I thought you were over this already”, but she understands I needed a new start. I’ve told a psychiatrist before and he basically didn’t believe me and thought I was super paranoid…
It’s still affecting how I trust people, my relationships with others, where I can walk freely, and I'm worried that this is happening again at my new college. I tried to forgive, rationalize it, and move on but I still go back to this. I can’t go on another year going back to that mind frame. I understand not wanting to associating with anyone based on how they act, and I accept that I did something things that did not put me in the best light. But I wonder if they will every admit what they did and take responsibility for their actions.
I even considered trying to talk to them to ask “ Why”, ask if all this really happen. Like why have so much focus on me for two years? I kept thinking back and forth wondering was I really bullied.
But it’s been 4 years since then, and everyone of them has graduated. I’m trying to better my life, but this thing keeps holding me back. I regret every single day that I didn’t take the picture of that caricature, or told the Dean, or did anything to stop it. I still feel angry..
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What do I do, reddit? Am I really crazy? Did I deserve any of this?

This is a fairly short slam poem I wrote for school. It is based around the theme Haters and all feedback is greatly appreciated. Enjoy:
Slam Poem You wake up another day
You feel like you're throwing you life away
Like there's no purpose no motivation to go on
But why?
Because people like to hate
People like to recognise, criticise and pulverise you
They do it how they choose
There is no stopping them, they can get you one way or the other
They will find a way to make your life a living hell
Make your room seem like a prison cell
They sit back and take in everything about you
Then make you feel like everything that is you, is wrong
The way you look? Stupid
The way you wear you hair? Gay
How you dress? Retarded
They get to you, and pick on every little detail until there is nothing left
Nothing to smile about because you look stupid when you do it
Nothing left trying for because you’re a failure one way or the other
Nothing good to do because you suck at everything
No matter where you go
No matter what you do
No matter what you say
They reach you, they find ways to insult you and everything you stand for
They make you feel lower than the dirt
To them you are worth less.
They constantly remind you of your wrongs and your mistakes
Tell you how your this, or hoe your that.
They never seen any sort of good in you
The sad part is they like doing this
They enjoy putting you down over and over
They sit back with their friends and point and laugh
They dim your flame to make their burn brighter
They make you feel hopeless
They hate instead of appreciate who you are
And what you have going of you
The want you to falter
They want you to fail
Just so that they can rub it in your face
And tell you how you're such a disgrace
But a hater is simple thing you see
They hate because you are what they aspire to be
They're Jealous
They are someone that can't simply reach you success
So they do in their mind what they think is best
For themselves
They hate on you to try and build themselves up
But if you don’t react to those haters then they are all outta luck
Don’t let them phase cause then their tricks don’t work
Continue being who you are because they tell you when you're doing something right
Through their hate
So at the end of the day you can't stop 'em
Because haterz are going to hate and
behind every successful person lies a pack of Haters
The End