I’m usually far too shy or ADHD to sit down and make a full post. However, I mentioned doing this in Megathread earlier this week. The European Eras leg has given us a lot of interesting surprises.
Each day, it feels like she’s rewriting a narrative with them. So, this is my feeble attempt at putting together the puzzle to see what possible message or theme Taylor is telling by her song choices. And while this all feels very close to clowning, I can’t help but take my cues from Taylor’s apparent camp and articles we’re getting. This is just from Paris. I think the Stockholm songs have been covered. (Or I can make a similar post if anyone’s interested.)
I’m keeping this muse free. Mostly because I do realize the likelihood of either LSK or LSS being actual possibilities is minimal. That said, I do remember the absurdity of LA last year so who knows? I hink Taylor seems to be strongly hinting at wanting to reconnect with someone from her past. So, choose your own muse if you want, as circumstantial evidence did hint at both Karlie and Dianna possibly being in her orbit while in Paris and Italy respectively.
Anyway. That massive disclaimer aside…
I’m skipping the lyrical analysis as I feel I’m ill equipped for it. There’s others who do a much better job. I also just find it interesting to see how she stitched together the mashups, what new song emerged.
Here’s the sequence of surprise songs:

Paris N1

Paris - What’s there to say here? I expected Paris in Paris. And I love that it gives me sapphic vibes. “Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours…”
Your ex-friend's sister Met someone at a club and he kissed her Turns out it was that guy you hooked up with ages ago Some wannabe Z-lister And all the outfits were terrible 2003 unbearable Did you see the photos?" No, I didn't, but thanks, though I'm so in love that I might stop breathing Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling No, I didn't see the news 'Cause we were somewhere else Stumbled down pretend alleyways Cheap wine, make believe it's champagne I was taken by the view Like we were in Paris Like we were somewhere else Like we were in Paris, oh We were somewhere else Privacy sign on the door And on my page and on the whole world Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours Levitate above all the messes made Sit quiet by my side in the shade And not the kind that's thrown I mean, the kind under where a tree has grown I'm so in love that I might stop breathing Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling No, I didn't see the news 'Cause we were somewhere else Stumbled down pretend alleyways Cheap wine, make believe it's champagne I was taken by the view Like we were in Paris, oh Like we were somewhere else Like we were in Paris, oh We were somewhere else I wanna brainwash you Into loving me forever I wanna transport you To somewhere the culture's clever Confess my truth In swooping, sloping, cursive letters Let the only flashing lights be the tower at midnight In my mind We drew a map on your bedroom ceiling No, I didn't see the news 'Cause we were somewhere else In an alleyway, drinking champagne 'Cause we were in Paris Yes, we were somewhere else My love, we were in Paris Yes, we were somewhere else
loml - Oof. Keeps the theme of the past… song that starts with “who’s gonna stop up from waltzing back into rekindled flames” to “you’re the loss of my life.”
Who's gonna stop us from waltzing Back into rekindled flames? If we know the steps anyway We embroidered the memories Of the time I was away Stitching, "We were just kids, babe" I said, "I don't mind, it takes time" I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed I felt aglow like this Never before and never since If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary You and I go from one kiss to gettin married Still alive, killing time at the cemetery Never quite buried In your suit and tie, in the nick of time You lowdown boy, you stand up guy Holy Ghost, you told me I'm The love of your life You said I'm the love of your life About a million times Who's gonna tell me the truth When you blew in with the winds of fate And told me I reformed you When your impressionist paintings of Heaven Turned out to be fakes Well, you took me to hell, too And all at once, the ink bleeds A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme But I felt a hole like this Never before, and ever since If you know it in one glimpse It's legendary What we thought was for all time Was momentary Still alive, killing time at the cemetery Never quite buried You cinephile in black and white All those plot twists and dynamite Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry You said I'm the love of your life You talked me under the table Talking rings and talking cradles I wish I could un-recall How we almost had it all Dancing phantoms on the terrace Are they second-hand embarrassed That I can't get out of bed? Cause something counterfeit's dead It was legendary It was momentary It was unnecessary Should've let it stay buried Oh, what a valiant roar What a bland goodbye The coward claimed he was a lion I'm combing through the braids of lies "I'll never leave" ... "Never mind" Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire Your arson's match your somber eyes And I'll still see it until I die You're the loss of my life

Paris N2

-Is It Over Now x Out Of The Woods Talked about how there used to be rules but she decided that she can do whatever she wants. She launched into Is It Over Know. Smiled at Blue dress on a boat (she was wearing blue).
Once the flight had flown With the wilt of the rose I slept all alone You still wouldn't go Let's fast forward to three hundred takeout coffees later I see your profile and your smile on unsuspecting waiters You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor You search in every maiden's bed for something greater Baby, was it over When she laid down on your couch? Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? "Come here, " I whispered in your ear In your dream as you passed out, baby Was it over then? And is it over now? When you lost control Red blood, white snow Blue dress on a boat Your new girl is my clone And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs And my whispered sighs Oh, Lord, I think about Jumping off of very tall somethings Just to see you come running And say the one thing I've been wanting But no Let's fast forward to three hundred awkward blind dates later If she's got blue eyes, I will surmise that you'll probably date her You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor You search in every model's bed for something greater Baby, was it over When she laid down on your couch? Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? "Come here, " I whispered in your ear In your dream as you passed out, baby Was it over then? And is it over now?
Into Out of The Woods Remember when you hit the brakes too soon? 20 stitches in a hospital room When you started crying, baby, I did too But when the sun came up, I was looking at you Remember when we couldn't take the heat? I walked out, I said, "I'm setting you free" But the monsters turned out to be just trees When the sun came up, you were looking at me You were looking at me, oh You were looking at me… I remember, I remember…*
And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs And my whispered sighs Oh, Lord, I think about Jumping off of very tall somethings Just to see you come running And say the one thing I've been wanting But no Let's fast forward to three hundred takeout coffees later (Flashing lights) I was hoping you'd be there And say the one thing I've been wanting But no
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - she didn’t intro this one. And it was just a straight through run of it.
Oh, here we go again. The voices in his head Called the rain to end our days of wild The sickest army doll Purchased at the mall Rivulets descend my plastic smile But you should've seen him When he first got me My boy only breaks his favorite toys I'm queen of sand castles he destroys Cause it fit too right Puzzle pieces in the dead of night Should've known it was a matter of time Oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys There was a litany of reasons why We could've played for keeps this time I know I'm just repeating myself Put me back on my shelf But first - Pull the string And I'll tell you that he runs Because he loves me. Cause you should've seen him When he first saw me. My boy only breaks his favorite toys I'm queen of sand castles he destroys Cause I knew too much There was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever so he smashed it up Oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me Just say when, I'd play again He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens Cause he took me out of my box Stole my tortured heart Left all these broken parts Told me I'm better off But I'm not I'm not I'm not.

Paris N3

Hey Stephen - Singing one of her favorite songs from the Fearless album. Pretty straight forward Mmm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm Mmm-mm, mm-mm Mmm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm Mmm-mm, yeah Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving But I know I saw a light in you And as we walked we would talk And I didn't say half the things I wanted to Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing I don't always have to be alone 'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you Can't help it if there's no one else Mmm, I can't help myself Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling So I've got some things to say to you (ha) I've seen it all, so I thought But I never seen nobody shine the way you do The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving? I think you and I should stay the same 'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you Can't help it if there's no one else Mmm, I can't help myself They're dimming the street lights You're perfect for me Why aren't you here tonight? I'm waiting alone now So come on and come out And pull me near And shine, shine, shine Hey Stephen, I could give you 50 reasons Why I should be the one you choose All those other girls, well, they're beautiful But would they write a song for you? (Ha-ha) I can't help it if you look like an angel Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you Can't help it if there's no one else Mmm, I can't help myself If you look like an angel Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you Can't help it if there's no one else Mmm I can't help myself Myself Can't help myself, I can't help myself Oh, oh, oh Mmm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm Mmm-mm, mm-mm
Maroon - There was no intro, lol. But Sue did look a bit serious, smiled when she sang the “dancing in New York” the first couple of times. She did belt “ain’t that the way shit always ends.” Overall, it was significantly less angry that the infamous 8/3 performance. She was all smiles by the end, twirled in her orange dress, blew a kiss.
When the morning came we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf 'Cause we lost track of time again Laughing with my feet in your lap Like you were my closest friend "How'd we end up on the floor anyway?" You say "Your roommate's cheap-ass screw-top rosé, that's how" I see you every day now And I chose you The one I was dancin' with In New York, no shoes Looked up at the sky and it was The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon When the silence came, we were shaking blind and hazy How the hell did we lose sight of us again? Sobbin' with your head in your hands Ain't that the way shit always ends? You were standin' hollow-eyed in the hallway Carnations you had thought were roses, that's us I feel you no matter what The rubies that I gave up And I lost you The one I was dancin' with In New York, no shoes Looked up at the sky and it was maroon The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon) The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was (maroon) And I wake with your memory over me That's a real fucking legacy, legacy (it was maroon) And I wake with your memory over me That's a real fucking legacy to leave The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet (it was maroon) The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home, so scarlet (it was maroon) It was maroon It was maroon

Paris N4 (TK)

Begin Again x Paris Her intro was a favorite memory of shooting a music video as she started playing Begin Again.
Took a deep breath in the mirror He didn't like it when I wore high heels But I do Turn the lock and put my headphones on He always said he didn't get this song But I do, I do Walked in expecting you'd be late But you got here early and you stand and wave I walk to you You pull my chair out and help me in And you don't know how nice that is But I do And you throw your head back laughing Like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again You said you never met one girl who had As many James Taylor records as you But I do We tell stories and you don't know why I'm coming off a little shy But I do But you throw your head back laughing Like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again And we walked down the block, to my car And I almost brought him up But you start to talk about the movies That your family watches every single Christmas And I want to talk about that And for the first time What's past is past 'Cause you throw your head back laughing Like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again
And transitioned after “Wednesday in a cafe… I'm so in love that I might stop breathing Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling No, I didn't see the news 'Cause we were somewhere else Stumbled down pretend alleyways Cheap wine, make believe it's champagne I was taken by the view Like we were in Paris Like we were somewhere else Like we were in Paris, oh We were somewhere else
The Alchemy x Treacherous She goes on about how every single night should be special. She called out the 87th show. (🙄) and then launched into the song. She sang it significantly faster than on the record.
This happens once every few lifetimes These chemicals hit me like white wine What if I told you I'm back? The hospital was a drag Worst sleep that I ever had I circled you on a map I haven't come around in so long But I'm coming back so strong So when I touch down Call the amateurs and Cut 'em from the team Ditch the clowns, get the crown Baby I'm the one to beat Cause the sign on your heart Said it's still reserved for me Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy? Hey you, what if I told you we're cool? That child's play back in school Is forgiven under my rule I haven't come around in so long But I'm making a comeback to where I belong ...
into Treacherous
Put your lips close to mine As long as they don't touch Out of focus, eye to eye 'Til the gravity's too much And I'll do anything you say If you say it with your hands And I'd be smart to walk away But you're quicksand This slope is treacherous This path is reckless This slope is treacherous And I, I, I like it I can't decide if it's a choice Getting swept away I hear the sound of my own voice Asking you to stay And all we are is skin and bone Trained to get along Forever going with the flow But you're friction This slope is treacherous This path is reckless This slope is treacherous I, I, I like it She goes back to Alchemy skipping a verse into:
Shirts off, and your friends lift you up over their heads Beer sticking to the floor Cheers chanted, cause they said There was no chance, trying to be The greatest in the league Where's the trophy? He just comes running over to me Touch down Call the amateurs and Cut 'em from the team Ditch the clowns, get the crown Baby I'm the one to beat Cause the sign on your heart Said it's still reserved for me Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
Into Two headlights shine through the sleepless night And I will get you, and get you alone Your name has echoed through my mind And I just think you should, think you should know That nothing safe is worth the drive And I will follow you, follow you home I'll follow you, follow you home I'll follow you, follow you home I'll follow you, follow you home This slope is treacherous I, I, I like it” and then ends with The Alchemy “This happens once every few lifetimes These chemicals hit me like white wine”
Even if she isn’t really saying anything, it’s a fun Easter egg type puzzle to put together. Hope this was useful for anyone else.

I've read that you can't win against a narcissist. The more you fight back, it's like quicksand where they drag you deeper into hell. So I've tried just just agreeing for the most part with all the fucking garbage piles of shit that comes steaming out of her mouth. That works to a point until I blow up about whatever the situation might be. But it's like a kid outburst. Like I yell for a couple of seconds and get back in control.
There's this rage inside me at how selfish and entitled she is considering her lack of any semblance of good actions or intent. I'm holding back saying what I really want to say!
"You're a bad mother, you're selfish and being in your presence is offensive to me. I'm in your life only because I have to be. And you'll never ever understand what I'm saying"
Or something like that. Will I really feel better saying all that? Obviously there will be a shitstorm of guilting, crying etc. Have y'all been through this frustration and rage? What did you do with it????

57 years old.. multiple layers of complex trauma in childhood and early adult life (neglect, shame, verbal abuse, physical abuse, scapegoating, abandonment, bullying), major depression, anxiety, trust issues, fear of authority, perfectionism and self-hatred, masks. Then brain injury in 2006 causing perception problems including Prosopometamorphopsia (human faces look like monsters) and sensory overload and amygdala issues. So to the already amazing mix of self-hatred and inferiority- add intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, panic issues, hateful self-talk, and isolation to the mix. Everything is too loud and too bright and too smelly and too prickly.. I get terrified of random things at random times (as if my brain picks a random visual, or less often auditory, thing to be mortally afraid of) which I hate- because it makes me feel stupid and weak. So- for me, many of the self-help solutions only Add to my layers of fear and depression and stresses and feelings of worthlessness and failure. I have yet to find a therapist that Understands the levels of hell I am living in- or cares.
Going to therapy seems like .. trying to restore a car that has been crushed for scrap. I am genetically meds resistant, or they cause awful side effects that make things worse.
I hate my life. It is not mine and I feel trapped. All the usual advice :”think positive thoughts “ “reframe your narrative “ “try meditation “ “find a hobby” just seems like trite stupid s*** and I have tried many of them. And now, I am stuck in a place I hate, with a person I don’t love, in a situation I despise, and I see no way out. Everything about my life has no point.
I hate my life, and everything I try to do to help make it better only fails and makes it worse. I hate myself for being such a failure, for being so weak I cannot fight this. I am sliding down an icy slope into a pool of quicksand and no one can help. Or, according to the voice in my head- I am useless worthless garbage and no one wants to help.
My life in hell— There is no help

I feel like I never have any true alone time and it really gets on my nerves. I work in the wellness industry and it’s a struggle constantly holding space for others when I’m falling apart most of the time - dealing with this PMDD hell. I cannot afford a place of my own right now, so I share with others and I absolutely hate it because there is usuallly ALWAYS someone in the house. So on my days off from work, there is always someone in the vicinity and it really aggravates me. As an introvert, it impacts me deeply when I do not have sufficient time alone to recharge my batteries, after spending all day talking to people and helping them. The horrid combination of PMDD, Misophonia and Depression just feels like too much. Sometimes, it feels like I will never get out of this depressing living situation and the thought of that just sends me deeper into the quicksand of hopelessness. During a PMDD episode, all I want/ need is peace + quiet and to be left alone but I’ve realised that being an introvert and extremely sensitive person, I actually just need to be alone a lot of alone time. It also doesn’t help that I live in a loud area and the people in the house/ neighbours just make a lot of noise in general. I think it’s one of those days where it feels particularly hard to see the light in this long, dark tunnel.

This post will provide dialogues of NPCs who used sarcasm at least once.
"You head over to pay the barman a visit. Have a good drink and come back then. No use talking to you now - you look like a controller has rearranged your brain." - Lebedev (That dialogue, like few other dialogues can be unlocked if you won't complete "Talk to the barman" mission and will start talking to other NPCs before talking to Cold)
"Hello, O, Wonder of the Zone! I heard Lebedev wanted to get a piece of your invincible aura! Go see him." -Gray/Novikov (Can be unlocked if you'll start talking to Gray/Novikov before "Ask Lebedev about what happened" mission)
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/4v9wgN.jpg
"You look pretty good...for someone who survived the Emission anyhow. What you really want is to sit by the fireplace at Lebedev's..." - Suslov (Can be unlocked if you'll start talking to him before talking to Lebedev and completing "Talk to Lebedev" mission)
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/dqfXS6.jpg
"O welcome, guest from foreign lands! What come you with? A bursting purse or prized exotic wonders?" - Suslov
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/tyRGo6.jpg
"We can do away with blindfolds this time. If you step into some quicksand, dying is ever so much more fun with your eyes open...I'm just kidding! Keep your eyes peeled and remember the way across the Swamps - next time you'll have to make it on your own." - Dialogue of Clear Sky Guide that can lead you to Cordon (Name of that guide is randomly generated)
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/TQ19dK.jpg
"What's it to you, huh? One look at you tells me you've got your own problems. Around these parts knowing too much can help you kick the bucket long before you're due. By the way, your bucket looks mighty nice - wanna trade before you walk upon an anomaly? Ah c'mon, get your panties out of the bunch - I'm just putting you on." - Dialogue of Random Bandit
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/zCQJZw.jpg
"What are you, some kind of journalist? Gonna write about me in tomorrow's newspaper? Ha-ha-ha! All right, listen here, boyo. We're the knights of the road and we rule the Garbage. You cut us some juice and we mind our own business. You don't pay up - you're in deep shit. This is a gold rush of sorts. That's 'cause these Soviet trinkets buried in this dump are now worth their weight in gold. So if you get into debt with us or try to be a hero, we'll send your ass straight to the camp. Working down there is about as much fun as mining uranium, what with all the anomalies and radiation. But hey, the good news is that at least your troubles would soon be over... along with your life." - Another Bandit dialogue
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/tCTxZm.jpg
"Well, this here is the flea market, so I guess that makes us flea marketers. He-he, we're traders, buddy - we sell small stuff here and there...I'll be straight with you: our goods are crap, but hey, at least we're still in business, right? So, you come to trade or just to chat?" - Dialogue of Flea Market Trader
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/uiNAIa.jpg
"Well, it's a difficult concept for you to grasp but...I live here! I also work here as a stalker. And we have a base here. Maybe you've heard of a clan called Freedom? Well, the Dark Valley is our territory. What do you think a Freedom member is doing on Freedom territory?" - Dialogue of Random Dark Valley Freedomer
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/CANPuV.jpg
"Well, I do my best work in the kitchen with a fork! Hah! Kidding, buddy. I'm a sniper expert. I can shoot pretty good myself and I help others too. I can work your assault rifle real nice - it'll fire like a Spetsnaz SVD when I'm finished with it. And if you get a real sniper rifle, oh baby - your enemies are gonna be taking real long detours to stay out of your way, that's a promise. I can also patch up your armor if need be." - Dialogue of Yar
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/f8SkNG.jpg
"Trying to decide which beast to bring the Inquisitor. He runs a zoo at our base where he holds specimens of the local fauna. I'd love to stick a controller in there, but he'd probably make us all into zombies even if we could get our hands on one." - Dialogue of Random Agroprom Dutyer
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/aSg8jG.jpg
"Agroprom is a former research institute. Obviously, after the Zone appeared there ain't much research going on here no more. Ha-ha. Instead, we're using the building as our base to fight off the Zone's spawns. We're holding the line against the monsters that come out from underground. We fight to save the lives of other stalkers, sometimes at the cost of our own." - Another Dialogue of Random Duty NPC
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/ONEwh2.jpg
"Don't mind him, that's our local dumbass Mitay. As one professor would put it, he's "nothing but a vulgar swine!" No garden is without its weeds, and Mitay is the designated weed in ours. He'd be a perfect fit for the Inquisitor's zoo - would complete the collection as the top show freak. Sometimes I wish a pseudodog would adopt him... But really he's much better off as a trader. If he spent his days in the bar he'd spent more time getting his ass beat than actually drinking - or worse. Even considering that manhandling is a sure way to wind up in the cooler, that wouldn't stop most." - Dialogue of Major Zvyagintsev
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/RowziG.jpg
"I'm loving our scientists, man! They're funny guys, that's for damn sure! Usually they don't stick their nerdy little noses out of the bunker, but when they do, like the other day... all hell breaks loose! Troops everywhere, choppers, APCs! Next time, they might as well haul a battleship here, or at least an armored train..." - Dialogue of Random Yantar Stalker
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/51spyn.jpg
"We got a job for you. You see, we didn't exactly come to this forest to pick mushrooms. There's an anomalous zone nearby, with whole mountains of artifacts. I know how to get there, but the road goes through the forest - and you've heard all about the forest, I'm sure. It's a friggin' deathtrap. So, you escort us there, keep guard for a short while, and we'll reward you with a nice and juicy artifact for your troubles. Deal?" - Dialogue of Red Forest Stalker
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/haGgsJ.jpg
"We've arranged a little deal with the military. They take our bullets and we take their base. Sounds fair to me. Me and the boys are "negotiating" as best we can." - Dialogue of Army Warehouses Freedomers
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/0PgNJU.jpg
Not really a dialogue, but nonetheless it also should be mentioned. Description of Eye artifact:
"This artifact, which resembles the human eye, considerably increases the body's metabolism, helping wounds heal quicker. Experienced stalkers say that the Eye also brings luck. Right or wrong, it sure brings in money. Emits radiation."
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/vVJh3c.jpg

A Comprehensive Discussion on Combat in Avatar Legends

Hey there, local guy here.
I've been fascinated with Avatar Legend's Combat Exchange System since the system got first introduced. The intricate rock-paper-scissors chaos that arises when a bunch of characters unleash their favorite moves on each other is amazing. Even better, it creates a narrative of combat unlike any other system I've GMed for in the past. I've read many discussions on this system and thought that I would speak my piece on this system and talk about how I run it in my games.
P.S: this is my first long form post, so don't go too hard on me

Introductions

Firstly, however, I want to give you a bit of background. I formerly ran Dungeon Crawler Classics for over ten years before migrating to this system. I think this is important to bring up because I've noticed that many of Avatar Legend's players can be broadly sorted into those who have migrated from rules heavy systems like D&D and DCC, and players who migrated from rules light systems like PBTA. Both sides seem to have different perspectives on the Combat Exchange System. As someone coming from the former category, I'll admit that I do enjoy the tactical elements introduced by Avatar Legend's combat. Although this is a PBTA system, The Combat Exchange system goes above and beyond what most rules lite systems provide. Regardless of your opinions, accept that I have a little bias towards mechanics and rules, but am trying my best to create a balance between tactical and narrative perspective when presenting combat.

The Flow of Combat

With introductions out of the way, lets get into the fun stuff! I'm going to list of some of the broad considerations I made whenever I've gone into Combat Exchanges.
Length
Each combat exchange is one unit of narrative fiction. it goes beyond simply doing damage and paying costs, and victory is not necessarily assured after just one exchange. I've always thought of combat exchanges as very similarly planned out to fight sequences in action moves or TV. The combatants will rush in and trade blows, dodging and blocking before splitting apart for just enough time to catch their breath again. Only very rarely are those action movie fight scenes over in just one exchange of blows, and the same is true for any important battle in Avatar Legends. However, on the flipside, if the number of combat exchanges are hitting double digits, you might start tiring out the players.
Here are some things I do when trying to make a battle longer so that I can increase the tension of the fight:

• Give NPCs defensive techniques such as:
  • Universal: Stand Strong, Take Cover, Doubling Down, Monologue
  • Group: Coordination, Shield Wall
  • Waterbending: Refresh, Ice Snare
  • Firebending: Flame Shield, Recoiling Jet, Fan the Flames
  • Earthbending: Earth Armor\, Rapid Tunneling, Earth Launch*
    • Earth Armor is an incredibly powerful technique...
  • Airbending: Air Swipe, Twisting Wind, Stunning Stance
  • Weapons: Parry, Disarm, Twin Weapon Sweep, Take the High Ground
  • Technology: Collect Materials, Flash Crystals, Hazardous Field
• Add minions such as:
  • Minor NPCs that can serve as bodyguards with their own suit of synergistic techniques
  • A group NPC that will require multiple party members to deal with
• Introduce special circumstances such as:
  • Empowered. Certain powerful NPCs are Empowered by default.
  • Hazards such as snow storms, erupting volcanos, or even a berserk sea serpent.
• Trigger custom moves that narrate an especially import aspect of the battle
  • Have the players roll some dice as their opponent ups the stakes in a terrifying way
  • Let the players choose between disastrous results when the enemy pulls out their ace

here are some things I do when trying to make a battle shorter so that I can keep things fast and cool:

• Give NPCs expensive techniques that cost lots of fatigue to use such as:
  • Universal: Overwhelm\*
    • Overwhelm refers to Hammer Playbook technique, not the Group technique
  • Group: Swarm, Protect Objective, Test Defenses
  • Waterbending: Crushing Grip of the Seas, Surf the Wave, Spike Drill Dive
  • Firebending: Fire Stream, Flame Knives, Wall of Fiery Breath, Fire Bomb
  • Earthbending: Rivers of Metal, Rock Cuff Barrage
  • Airbending: Directed Funnel, Small Vortex, Breathless Gale
  • Weapons: Dire Strike, Hurl Weapon, Boom!
  • Technology: Blinded by Science, Better Faster Stronger, Brawling Blast
• Mark as much fatigue on NPCs during combat exchanges
  • Always mark 1-fatigue when Impaired
  • Always mark 1-fatigue when using Strike
  • Don't spam Evade & Observe
  • Up their balance so they mark more fatigue on techniques they use
• Flee as soon as the fight is looking bad:
  • Have NPC's Seize A Position away from combat
  • Stun or Trap the PCs and use the opportunity to flee
  • Introduce some new narrative element that allows the enemies to escape

One last thing to mention on how many combat exchanges to run is that the game gives the PCs many techniques that rely on their being additional combat exchanges after the one they're used in (Quicksand, Ice Claws, Smooth Stride, Chart a Course, Collect Gears, Suck it Up, Flame Charge to name a couple), so its important to run enough exchanges so the PCs can make their techniques work.
Statuses
The different statuses in Avatar Legends range from the mildly annoying to the life threatening. I've found that its actually quite difficult to balance the effects of each status

• Impaired is the easiest negative status to inflict and it can be done with nearly no fictional justification. Sometimes Impaired will only last until the end of the next exchange (if you just throw some sand into an opponents eyes or angle your shield to reflect the sun in just the right way) but sometimes it can last longer (as with the technique Breath of Ice) or until the afflicted takes a certain action.
• Trapped is most likely the most dangerous negative status to apply. In order to free themselves, they'll need fictional justification (good luck to that bow users trapped in ice) and then they'll have to mark a combination of three conditions or fatigue to actually get out. Many of the more powerful antagonists your PCs will encounter will have the means to break themselves free of any trap, but this status should not inflicted lightly.
• Stunned is misunderstood in my opinion. A lot of tables might assume that Stunned simply makes the afflicted character miss out on the next exchange. However, GMs can resolve Stunned outside of the exchange system, by having other characters be able to act freely against the afflicted character until the clear it. Sometimes, this means the afflicted character will be taken out when another character takes advantage of the opportunity to land a finishing blow but sometimes the afflicted character will regain their senses fast enough. Sometimes there is uncertainty in how quickly a character can take advantage of a Stunned character's lapsing moment and they'll trigger a move. Some techniques can stun foes foe multiple exchanges (Squall Style Strike), during which that afflicted character is at the complete mercy of the technique's user. In these situations, there is no uncertainty at all. Regardless of the stun, try and resolve it without making a PC skip a whole exchange since it sucks for them to sit around while everyone is engaging with the system.
• Doomed can be kind of a joke to be honest. Marking 1-fatigue at the start of each exchange only matters if you're running lots of exchanges. However, its important to narrate how a character is Doomed. If they're on fire, their skin and clothes are going to be singed and ruined. There are other consequences to being Doomed other than fatigue. However, for the purposes of the Combat Exchange System, Doomed works best when used in longer battles
• Prepared is one of the easier positive statuses to acquire. In addition to spending it to negate an inflicted condition or to give +1 to a roll, it is sometimes used as a cost for techniques. Additionally, GMs can ask PCs to spend Prepared when taking on particularly dangerous moves ("Spend Prepared and you can Rely on Your Skills and Training instead of just Pushing Your Luck") or to negate dangerous fictional consequences.
• Inspired is the easiest status to give because the basic technique: BolsteHinder can pretty easily give it out. I always make sure to ask my players what they say/do whenever getting or giving Inspired but that's just because I like getting everyone into the battle more.
• Favored is a situation status that depends on where opponents and allies are. It is possible to be Favored against some opponents and not Favored against others, especially when combatants are taking advantage of high ground. When on High Ground, you would be expected to Favored when acting against opponents on low ground.
• Empowered is the supposed best status. This is mostly true, assuming that the combat is expected to go on for a couple more exchanges. Getting Empowered is pretty difficult, with only a handful of techniques, features, and moves allowing characters to gain the status. The easiest way to become Empowered is actually through special circumstances. Firebenders are empowered beneath Sozin's Comet, Waterbenders would be empowered on the moon (Space themed Avatar anyone?), Earthbenders might be Empowered deep beneath the earth, so on so forth. The important thing to realize about Empowered is that is specifically empowers players to keep going into new Combat Exchanges. When planning a PC to be Empowered, make sure to give them the fight of their lives.

Action Economy
The number of techniques NPCs use is determined by their balance rating at the start of their chosen approach's resolution, meaning that the difficulty of a Combat Exchange can be determined by the balance rating on combatants just as easily as the number of combatants. Depending on the style the GM employs when running Combat, they'll want to take advantage of NPC Balance to either increase the difficulty of the Combat Exchange or to modulate the action economy to keep things interesting. On the flipside, if an NPC has too high of a balance rating, they are susceptible to having their balance testing and ultimately Losing their Balance.
Here are some strategies I employ when modulating Action Economy:

• Have NPCs use the basic technique: Commit when they lose a comrade (if they haven't just elected to flee). this will even out the Action Economy and keep the combat interesting. It'll also accelerate the end of the battle since an NPC using more techniques each Combat Exchange will ultimately mark more fatigue.
• Have NPCs use the basic technique BolsteHinder to Inspire each other by yelling out helpful advice. Inspired will allow NPCs to shift their balance away from their center if the need to use additional techniques or towards their center if the PCs are trying to push them off their edge.

Here are some strategies I employ when increasing the difficulty of a Combat Exchange

• Keep NPC's principal's hidden until combat. Unless the party goes out of their way to uncover an NPC's principal before they fight them, they'll have to use Test Balance to uncover their principal before being able to shift it if they're aiming to have that NPC lose their balance.
• Start an NPC at a higher balance rating. Not all NPCs need to start at 0 when a combat exchange begins. Start them using 2 or 3 techniques off the get go to make things intense.

The Lull in Combat
When a combat exchange ends, the combatants break apart momentarily and the characters have a chance to act. Sometimes, NPCs will take the initiative here, taunting their opponents and calling on their principles. A player may survive an exchange to suddenly be confronted with a harsh reality and have to Resist Shifting Their Balance. Sometimes, the players may take the imitative themselves by leveling the playing field in some way. All kinds of moves, features, and factional spice can occur between exchanges. It's actually really important to have a lull in the action before deciding to go into another exchange because every exchange should represent a different phase of the battle either narratively, situationally, or even emotionally.
When that moment of respite passes and the table is certain of another combat exchange, its time to reselect engagements. Sometimes players will trade who they're engaged with or perhaps the NPCs will introduce new combatants. This changes up things in a mechanical way and allows the PCs to decide their better matchups when dealing with lots of enemies at once.
The most important thing to set up in between exchanges is how the next exchange will be different from the first one. I always keep some escalations in my back pocket to keep combat interesting, and if I don't have anything, that's a good sign that its time to wrap things up.
Range
Although the core rulebook does not specify range for anything, there is still a concept of range. Range is broken down into three broad categories by techniques:

• "Engaged" means that you have to be engaged with a foe to use that technique or move on that foe. When you're engaged with a foe, that means that you are in reach of their techniques just as they are in reach of yours. An example of a technique that uses this range is Test Balance
• "In Reach" means that your foe has be within the fictional reach of that technique or move. This depends on what technique you are using, but does not specify that you need to be engaged with that foe to use that technique or move against them. An example of a technique that uses this range is Strike
• "Not Engaged With" means that your foe cannot be engaged with you for you to be able to use this technique or move. This means you have to be specifically outside of the reach of their techniques. An example of a technique that uses this range is Charge.

Some techniques have specific ranges that go beyond these categorizations (such as techniques that target an area or position instead of a foe or foes). Range is most important when players select who they want to engage at the start of an engagement. An archer may choose to engage no one since their target is within reach of their bow (allowing them to Strike them) and an airbender may specifically not engage a certain foe so that they Cannonball them during the exchange.
Another implication of range is the idea of disengagement. Since engagement can change after engagements have been initially decided, characters can also disengage foes to prevent them from targeting them with techniques. Seize a Position is the easiest way to quickly run into cover and disengage a foe. Sometimes an Advance & Attacking foe may find that theirs no one around for them to hit by the time their approach is being resolved. Although this doesn't stop them from Smashing something important in the environment or Striking at a foe in a different engagement who didn't run into cover.
The BBEG
Its pretty obvious that Avatar Legend's Combat System is not meant for 4v1 encounters. I've already read half a hundred posts by now on how it doesn't work and I've even tried myself. So, how do you make it work then?

1. Add minions and bodyguards. If your BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy) is at least somewhat sane, he'll probably level the playing field by fighting with some minions. I'll admit that this option is a little less cool than just fighting the guy himself and I wouldn't want to be the player relegated to "Take Out Minion Duty". However, its the best By the Book solution in my opinion.
2. Special Circumstances is a broad term that Avatar Legends introduces to justify why Azula is always Empowered. By using Special Circumstances, Custom Moves, and Powerful Techniques, it is feasible to make a 4v1 work. However, keep in mind that you will have to be able to explain why this legendary badass is able to take on around 4 trained combatants and survive. These kind of combatants would be the pinnacle of their training and the party does not want to get on the bad side of them.
3. Don't use The Combat Exchange System. I know I know! That's a very controversial take coming from the guy who just sang the praises of the system, but sometimes its better to illustrate the power of your antagonist by not even letting the party properly fight him yet. Wait until the party has weakened the BBEG before introducing a standard Legendary NPC stat block, which the party will most likely eat through like breakfast.

Final Thoughts
Everything I've written about here describes The Combat Exchange system under a pretty tactical light, but I don't think that makes it mutually exclusive with how PBTA games play. I've come to love the system because of how it brings mechanics into the fiction in such an interesting way when done well. One of the reasons I decided to try my hand at doing a post was because I'm hoping that more people will realize the depth this system has and will become interested. Its different than what rules lite fans may want and its different from what rules heavy fans may want, but its the balance between those two schools of thought that make it one of the best systems I've worked with for awhile.

Two-steps forward one step-back diary of a 20 year old loner
Hey y’all I’m 5,7 male and I been lurking in this sub for a while and just wanted to I guess vent about the difficulties I’ve experienced and how I dealt with them.

1. Loneliness

Something I been dealing with pmuch forever just because how I was raised. I can’t really form relationships with men or women that last. I’ve done the whole “muh blame society” cope which is like 90% true but only takes you so far. End of the day though I can’t really control what happens to me so I just gotta learn to live like this. But what I can do is change my reaction to shit life throws at me and other little things but the grand scheme is already created I’m just along for the ride.
Ever sense the end of high school I haven’t talked to anyone. Even in highschool I didn’t really have any friends. I was a fairly energetic and social child I don’t wanna get into it but me becoming a introvert when I got older was

1. Abuse by parents (alcoholism/bipolar)
2. Abuse by teachers (3/4th grade was put in sped classes because I was too talkative alienating me from my peers)
3. Continued abuse by teachers in Catholic school was put into corner of room away from peers because disruptive
4. This destroyed my confidence and self esteem and took me until my early adult years to even be able to have conversations with people also got diagnosed anxiety probably from abuse.
5. And finally my own fault here got into drugs and didn’t show up to school for a month and nobody called my parents (and nobody reached out to me either)
   
6. Nobody cares
   

Nobody cares is what I titled this section but it’s more just people don’t really care about men in general. I feel like my purpose to other people is just to be used and then discarded (often happens at school or work.) the hard pill I had to swallow was that at least in the west this is how most people work. So, unless muh society changes I just have to accept it and try to avoid letting people take advantage of my kindness and generosity.
I live in an area that has a lot of homeless drug addicts and most of the time they are men or veterans. Nobody really cares about them or they reached their wits end with em. I talked to a decent amount of em and give them some money when I see them after work. I remember one day I talked to an homeless Indian man with some from of schizophrenia. He told me that his family disowned him because they thought he was cursed and so that’s why he is homeless and that he had some form of cancer. Then one day he just disappeared. I feel like that really changed my view on things. Hopefully he got help but reality he probably just got moved by the cops away from the commercial area or he died… alone and forgotten.
Regarding my own issues I can vent online and garner sympathy from people but people in my life don’t care so it’s pmuch worthless whatever pity I get.

1. The is glass half empty

The glass for me is half empty. Hell I’d even say it’s not even half probably a 1/4th. The older I get the more jaded I become. It’s a cope but the way I see it is like this. I’ll probably never have all of Maslows hierarchy of needs met so I will never really be able to fully develop as a person. Iron sharpens iron type shit. Humans are not designed to function alone and so when we are forced to fucks with our head and makes us go crazy. I’ve experienced this myself with severe emotional outbursts and seasonal depression (summer)
Anyway, I still have some hope that’s only real reason I’m here. I work a job I hate but end of the day I need money so I can finally leave my parents. As we all know in this economy you are super fucked if you are alone so I pmuch at just bidding my time and saving money so that hopefully one day I can I guess just be alone in a apartment or something.
I started going to the gym about 6th months ago it’s alright but it’s not some magic panacea like people make it out to be. it’s just something I do because I get to leave the house for once besides work.
That’s pmuch it I guess I’m making somewhat progress in my life but it more feels like I’m in quicksand and moved a bit yeah it’s progress but so what. Wish me luck y’all

I’m writing this because I genuinely can’t acquire the help I need. I am a black woman, mid thirties born and raised in Brooklyn.
I am currently “going through it”. But who else isn’t in this city, right? I’ve been unemployed since last December. (Even with six IT certifications and two bachelor’s degrees, I’m still drowning in quicksand.) Struggling to acquire a job in this city, even on basic entry level IT is absurd in itself. For now, I was able to get SNAP and Medicaid for myself.
Due to the free time from unemployment, I’ve been able to “see” my mental health for what it is without daily distractions or back to back work shifts.
Looking back on past childhood experiences to the adult that I am now, I strongly suspect that I am most definitely on the ADHD/autism spectrum. I have always been ‘eclectic’ in various ways or actions from my peers or west African family members that was always looked down upon as ‘What is wrong with you?’ ‘Why can’t you act like a normal person?’ ‘It’s weird that you’ll say/do that!’
As I get older, I realize that its actively hard for me to follow dialogue in conversations, I hyper focus like no other on every small detail, I am not able to swiftly do one task at time because I am flooded with all 20+ tasks all at once in my head. All of this derails my productivity to insane levels.
Overall, I’m gradually becoming undone at the seams and I want to get on the forefront of taking care of myself appropriately as my top priority. If do turn out to be neurodivergent, I want to be sure to have proper access to medication. I want to live and function again to my benefit.
I have Anthem BCBS Health Plus Medicaid, I used the online portal to find potential psychiatrists that accept my insurance. I wrote down a list of 25, across Brooklyn and Manhattan, directly called for insurance acceptance or new patient availability. All resulted in inform that they no longer accept Medicaid, no longer accepted new patients, or wait-listed until next autumn.
So, I have spent the entire last week researching for ADHD/Autism evaluation or screening facilities or clinics. I found that many are asking for $1000+ for one evaluation. If I had the budget I would but I am broke as hell, thank god my mom is paying the bills because I can’t even afford to ‘breathe’ air in this city at all.
Thanks for reading this far, I just wanted to know if anyone can guide me any options in NYC that would be available to me because I am just zombie sinking is despair at this point.

The nonstop pitter-patter of the cold rain against my bedroom window set the mood. I found myself rubbing my eyes, unable to follow the now swaying lines. My book was a jumbled mess of dyslexic text. I spent another minute trying to decipher the words, but my exhausted state of mind could not put meaning to them. I folded the top right corner of the page and gingerly placed Bram Stoker’s, Dracula, back on the windowsill.
I must've dozed off at some point because I found myself dreaming. Eyes. Red eyes the size of saucer plates peered into the depths of my soul. No matter how hard I tried to look away, I could not break the gaze. I felt as if I was staring into the abyss itself, a black hole pulling me into its inky embrace. That peculiar dream held me captive for God only knows how long.
The fear was overwhelming. It held me fast, like quicksand I found myself descending into the blackness. It was the first rays of light that finally broke my standstill, as if my body was frozen solid and the warmth of the sun was slowly dethawing my bones. I remained sitting in my armchair for a moment, letting the effects of the queer dream wash over me.
Finally, my mind began to return to a semblance of normality. I glanced outside to see the sun dancing happily in the orange and yellow of the fall leaves. My heart leapt at this sight. Shortly with the resilience of youth, I found myself forgetting entirely about the uncanny daydream. With a shout of glee, I found myself barreling down the staircase three at a time. No longer a care in the world, rushing towards blind adventure.
In school we had been reading Robert Louis Stevenson’s, Treasure Island, and I had been convinced there was buried treasure somewhere in my backyard. My first attempt was a five-foot deep pit. The buried treasure wasn't found, but I did succeed in severing our sprinkler system. The hole was shortly filled with water, and my parents put a stop to my digging efforts. At least it put a stop to my digging in the yard. I was too stubborn to give up on my dreams of finding pirate treasure to entirely stop.
I went into my dad’s shop, pilfered a flat head shovel and trekked down the trail where I could resume my search without my parents' oversight. Looking for the tell-tale signs of pirate interference, I found myself wandering off the beaten path. That is when I saw it. It was the largest oak tree I’ve ever seen. Massive, barren branches loomed over me like the hands of a twisted god. For some reason, that daydream came back to the forefront of my mind.
With the clarity of scared eyes, I saw a rickety cross held together by ancient twine fraying at the ends. A spark of excitement burned away all my concerns. Quickly, I clambered down the hill to the base of that giant oak to get a better look at the marker. At closer inspection, I saw one name carved into the base of the cross. It said, “Victor P. Alexandre.” It didn’t sound like a pirate's name, but still it was worth investigating. After all, one place was as good as another.
That first day, I shoveled loose dirt and clay for nearly 8 hours. The hole was larger and deeper than I had ever managed in the past. Even still, I found nothing. No buried treasure. No time capsule. Nothing of interest whatsoever. I was on the verge of giving up, when my shovel suddenly hit with a clink. Uncaring, I threw it aside and slowly began to sift through the loose dirt. To my utter shock, my hands felt a smooth surface.
Using the water from my bottle I washed the dirt away, scrubbing it clean with my hands. The surface was white as bone, yet it was flat. At closer glance, I realized it was smooth marble. My heart was beating fast. If this wasn't hidden treasure, God only knew what else it could be. That second day, I dug like my life depended on it. The marble slab was bigger than I had expected, already I had exposed nearly four feet of it. The day was growing short, and the shadows had been growing longer, yet even still, I found myself scouring that slab.
Right before the day turned to night, my hand ran across a large padlock. One of those old-fashioned, cast-iron locks. The heavy ones. It was rusted and the metal was beginning to flake, but still, I couldn't break it. I tried to smash it off with the pointed end of the shovel, yet it resisted my attempts. I heard my mother's voice calling to me.
I went scurrying towards the sound of her voice, doing my best to brush clean the dirt off my arms and legs. I mustn't have done a good job, because as her suspicious eyes fell upon me, I saw disappointment flash in them.
She looked me up and down and said, “Jack Dempsey, did you cut any more sprinkler lines this time?”
With a sheepish grin I responded, “No ma’am.”
She gestured towards the bathroom and said, “Wash up before your father sees.”
Immediately I obeyed, not wanting to push my luck. The rest of the night was uneventful. I slept like a babe. It was the last full night’s sleep I’ve had since, the final night not plagued by monsters and nightmares.
I was woken by the first tentative rays of the morning light. The excitement of my find robbed me of my ability to sleep in. It was a Saturday morning and not a cloud was in sight. The wind was blowing in playful gusts tugging at my hair and the folds of my clothes. It was the sort of morning I'd dedicate to the flying of kites, yet today something else had my full attention. My mind raced at 100 miles per hour, fantasizing of all the possibilities. What lies under the marble floor? It must be something of great value to be buried so deep and guarded by such a lock. I thought that perhaps it was a treasure cove, hidden by conquistadors. Maybe it was a secret entrance to a hidden civilization. The possibilities were endless, only limited by my willingness to imagine.
My idea was simple. If I couldn't break it off with brute force, then I'd cut it off with a grinder in my dad’s shed. To my great amusement I had seen him cut off the heavy lock I used for my bike when I lost the key a year prior. Luck was on my side that day, or perhaps it was misfortune.
With a hollow thump, I leapt carelessly down into the hole. Those eyes flashed feverishly bright into my mind. The sudden feeling of fear almost made me clamber back the way I came. As suddenly as it came, it passed.
The curiosity of a ten-year-old was too great for any reservations I might’ve had. Within moments, I found myself cutting away. The grinder cut through the metal as if it was butter, showering the pearly white marble with orange sparks. A thunderclap brought me back to my senses. With a start, I nearly dropped the still spinning grinder. I looked up to see thick, black clouds beginning to roll their way towards me. It wasn't supposed to rain today. Yet, the inky blackness barreled towards me blocking the sun’s brilliant rays.
The light all around me seemed to dim. It felt as if time itself fast forwarded, stranding me in dusk. It was eerie, and a little shiver erupted all over my body. The storm seemed to be triggered by the cutting of the lock. But that's not possible; it can't be possible. Yet even so, I couldn't divert my mind from this line of thought. It was preposterous, but there was no storm before and now there is.
I heard a grinding, crunching noise and felt the slab beneath my feet begin to slide open. To my horror, I felt the ground give way, and then I slid into pitch darkness. I rolled a couple of feet and ended up sprawled on my back. The darkness down there was almost complete, except a single ray of light that peeked through the opening of the marble slab. I saw nothing down there, but I couldn't shake the feeling as if I was being watched. It felt as if the darkness had eyes peering at me from all sides.
I didn’t remain down there long. I couldn’t take the silence anymore. I kept imagining Dracula staring at me from the comfort of the shadows, his heart remaining eternally still. No need for it to beat, when one is already dead. I clambered up the steep incline as if my life depended on it, for all I knew it did. I didn’t stop running until I was safely in my room under my bed. I know it was silly, but I couldn't shake the feeling as if I narrowly escaped death.
I determined that tomorrow morning I would refill the hole and never look at that marble slab again. Now with a plan of action set into place, my fear began to lessen. When my parents finally made it back home to fix supper, I had forgotten about my near-death experience. I ate my meatloaf and broccoli and had a large bowl of ice cream, while I watched SpongeBob on the television.
When bedtime came, I didn’t even argue with my parents about staying up later. I did something that night that I had never done before. I grabbed my mom's hand pulling her down to me and kissed her directly on the forehead, then I walked to my dad and repeated the sentiment. I looked each of them in their eyes and said, “You guys are the best parents a child could ask for. I want you to know I love you.” Tears welled up in my mom’s eyes and even my dad looked close to waterworks. Something happened in the silence that preceded. Our relationship matured. I had seen them and accepted them as the individuals they were, not as the parents who exist for my well being. We had looked into each other's eyes and acknowledged one another.
I think fondly of this memory, and I thank God that I had this one final moment to make known all that my childish mind thought but didn't have the ability to put into words. It was a tender moment, and it was the last time I saw my parents breathing.
I fell asleep almost the moment my head hit the pillow. It was a deep sleep, the kind in which there are no dreams. The kind that leaves you well rested and excited for the next day. But it wasn't the morning when I woke up.
This watch of the night goes by many names; the dead of night, the witching hour, midnight, the time the moon goes to rest. They all mean the same thing; it's the period in which the night is darkest, and the hope of morning is nearly nonexistent. This is the time owned by the nightmares, where the boogey man walks freely.
It was a gentle tapping on my window that awoke me. My body became stiff, and I couldn't move. Fear paralyzed me and I lay in my bed, senses hyper alert. I remained there hoping it was a branch against the window but knowing better. The window in my room was directly above my head. With very little effort I could be certain of the cause of the sound. I didn’t want to be certain. I'd rather lay trying my best to convince myself it was caused by some ordinary means, than look and see the glowing red eyes of Dracula.
And in one way or another, I knew it was him. I was certain I’d look up and see his pale face shining as pristine as the marble slab that must be his resting place. As the night crawled along, the scratching only got louder until it was nearly deafening. It was then that my curiosity got the best of me. I couldn’t fight the urge any longer. It was like a scratch your mom told you not to itch; the more you thought about it, the harder it was to ignore. My eyes flung wide, and I looked up.
I could hardly believe what they saw. There on the other side of the glass was my old kite, the red and blue one that came loose and flew away a few weeks ago. I thought my fear would ease learning the source of the awful sound, but there I remained unable to get those red eyes out of my mind. The kite didn’t help persuade me of the silliness of my fears, in fact, it solidified them, as if it gave some sort of credence.
My alarm clock on my nightstand ticked slowly, and I watched as the digital numbers changed. Each minute seemed to take hours. Slowly the night’s grasp yielded to the onslaught of the coming day. The darkness faded leaving pockets of thick shadow cast by the steady rising of the orange sliver on the horizon. Even these strongholds of the night were unable to stand in the face of such an overwhelming adversary, and shortly I was left in the shining light of morning.
I made a decision while I was warring with my fear. I was going to tell my parents about the marble slab and what I had done. They would know what to do. In fact, they would probably tease me for letting it scare me, but at that point I didn’t care. I would have welcomed the lighthearted jokes made at my expense. It would mean my fears weren't reasonable ones. All would go back to normal, and I’d be another kid who had a silly nightmare.
The nightmare began in my parents' bedroom. I barged into their room hoping to receive the comfort I so needed. I found everything but comfort there. The room was entirely normal, except it lacked the presence of my sleeping parents. They were gone. I went into their bathroom thinking they might’ve gotten up early. It was empty. As I made my way back into the room, I noticed the window nearest their bed was open. Lying on the windowsill was an enormous droplet of blood.
My heart dropped and I knew exactly where they’d be. Dracula hadn’t intended to get me; he wanted my parents. The kite was a distraction, a way to settle my rational mind. I was right to fear, if only I had feared enough to run straight to my parents' room. Would things be different now? I think they might. In my book, belief was the only way to combat vampires, and children have a knack for it. He must've known I'd never let him in my room. But tonight, he can come freely for me.
My parents. I failed them. No, I killed them. I never should've opened that door. I should've buried the hatch closed the moment I saw it. Of course, it was a grave. It had the marker above it and all. I’m an idiot, a God’s damned fool. The marker. What did it say on it? “Victor P. Alexandre.” So, this isn't Dracula after all, but in a way he still is. He can be killed the same way.
It took me the remainder of the day to gather the required materials. I found garlic cloves in the spice cabinet, my family are catholic, so it was no difficulty finding a cross, the thing that took me the longest was making the wooden stakes. In the end, I used the legs of our kitchen table filed down to a nasty point. As an afterthought, I grabbed the massive padlock my dad used on his shed sometimes. It never hurts to have a backup.
I followed the blood droplets of my parents to the hole I dug. I remained staring down at the marble slab, now drenched in my family’s life blood, unable to move from the spot. I watched in horror as the sun slowly began to make its descent, knowing that my chance was slipping between my fingers. A thought occurred to me. What if my parents are down there? Will I be able to look them in the face while I slide a stake through their heart?
Call it what you want, but a few minutes before the sun sank behind the horizon, a metallic glint caught my eyes. At closer examination, it was the little silver cross necklace my mom always wore. This spurred me into action, as if someone poked me with a red-hot brand. It burned my fears away and left me with a numb sense of responsibility.
Without a second thought I launched myself down into the hole scooping up my mom’s pendant and ignited the flashlight. I didn’t have much time; the sun was falling. The shadows were lengthening. My heart beat a steady staccato against the inner walls of my chest. I was scared my damn heartbeat would wake the creatures giving me away. But I didn't have time to worry, so I didn’t. In a clarity unlike anything I've experienced before or since, I made my way through the opening of the sepulcher.
As I moved forward, I couldn’t help but think that I had been swallowed alive by some mythic monster. Jonah in the belly of the whale, I suppose. The darkness closed in on me and the faint glow cast by my flashlight only went about 4 feet in front of me. It looked as if I was in a catacomb. Urns and vases lined the walls on each side of me. Every few feet or so was a nook that held an empty casket. Panic seized my limbs, threatening to lock them up for good. What if he’s behind me or hiding in one of those alcoves? I was afraid to breathe or make any sudden noises. Thoughts of waking him and having to face him upright nearly stopped me in my tracks.
It was the sound of my parents' voices that pushed me forward. They gave me the resolve to see this thing through. I heard my mom tell me, “If not you, then who?” and the strong voice of my father admonishing me, “Do the right thing, even if it’s hard.” And so, I kept moving one step at a time, my footsteps being muffled by the suffocating blackness. Before I knew it, I was there looking at three closed caskets.
There was a grand coffin in the middle, the others were near the two side walls. I knew immediately which one would contain Viktor. I walked straight to it, then hesitated and opened the one against the right wall. My mom was in it. She looked to be sleeping, nothing out of the ordinary besides two small puncture marks on the side of her throat. The coffin against the left wall held my dad. Tears filled my eyes, and I knew they had been turned. I stood there, a stake in my hand, not quite able to plunge it deep into the heart of the woman who gave birth to me.
I closed the casket, making my way to the coffin of the monster who took my parents. I looked forward to shoving a stake through his heart, and as I opened the lid a wicked smile was plastered on my face. The smile evaporated the moment I looked and saw that it was empty. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I heard rich laughter echoing down the hallway directly behind me.
“I must admit, you've surprised me. I’ve had fools rush in here before trying to kill me, but usually they are glory seekers. This is a first. I’ve never come across a child brave enough to meet me in the dark,” purred Viktor in a smooth, slightly European accent.
Maybe it was the anger, maybe it was my body being unable to process the fear; regardless, my voice came out strong and confident, when I said, “And that’s why I’ll succeed, where others failed.”
Viktor began laughing, wiping tears from his eyes. “May I know the name of the person who will be the death of me?” asked the vampire, a cruel smile beginning to form on the pale landscape of his face.
“The name is Jack Dempsey and those people you killed last night were my parents.”
“Ahh, I see. It’s rage that brings you down into my domain. Your anger may have temporarily burned your fear away, but before I am done with you, it will come crawling back. I will make you envious of the stillborn. Your blood will bring me back to full strength,” snarled Viktor.
Mouth running unchecked, I shot back, “I don’t need to be an adult to put a stake through your cowardly heart. After all, I’m not the one who locked himself away, too scared of being bested.”
“I wasn’t hiding you fool; I was locked in here by foes much cleverer than yourself. They weren’t stupid enough to think they could take me on their own. They locked the entrance and buried my whole sepulcher, until you haphazardly released me,” said the vampire.
I gulped knowing that he was at least partially correct. I had released him, and my parents were the ones who paid the price. This was my cross to carry. My mess to fix. By God, I was resolved to see this thing through till the end.
Without warning I lobbed a whole clove of garlic directly at his face. The creature ungodly fast swatted it away with one hand, hissing as it made direct contact with his skin. I saw a nasty burn appear suddenly on the flesh of that hand. I had time for a moment of triumph, before the creature blurred towards me.
He struck me with the back of his hand sending me sprawling into the coffin that held my mother. I heard a bone crack in my ribs when I made contact. Pain filled my body, and I cried out. This seemed to please the vampire as he slowly stalked towards me, my backpack filled with supplies held in his left hand. The stake I had been holding flew out of my hand when he hit me, and I was left with nothing to stop his advance.
He knew this too; I saw it in the smug smile he wore across his face. It was done, my parents died because of me. I couldn’t even get revenge on their killer. I had failed them. And now, this creature was going to rip me apart slowly, enjoying every moment of it.
My mom’s voice cut through all my fears, and I heard her say, “I gave you my necklace, now kill this motherfucker.”
My hand reached to my neck, and I felt the comfort of the cold silver against my skin. With one smooth motion I pulled it off, concealing it in my left hand. I knew I’d have to time it right. I would get only one chance at this, I had to make it count. The element of surprise was working in my favor, but even still the creature was fast as hell. I’d have to let him get close, painfully close before I struck.
I gave him what he desired most, I pleaded for my life. “Please, I didn’t mean it. Have mercy on me. I’ll serve you. I’ll do anything you need me to. I let you out, didn’t I?”
Viktor smiled a smile filled with pointed teeth. I shuttered; it wasn’t hard to act. I truly was terrified. This seemed to please him. He laid his well-manicured hands on my shoulder, holding me like a father holds his son.
“You have been very helpful to me; I can think of one way you can be even more useful,” said Viktor.
He leaned in almost as if he was going to kiss me, then at the last moment he bent his head back as if he was a snake preparing to strike. I expected him to do this, and with one fluid motion I shoved the crucifix directly down the throat of the creature. His sharp teeth cut my hand into ribbons, but the moment the silver touched his throat it erupted in blue flames. I watched in fascination as the vampire's head began to melt, then disintegrate. Within about thirty seconds the entire body of the vampire was reduced to ashes.
My mom’s necklace remained sitting on top of the pile of ash. I reached down and pocketed it. I breathed a sigh of relief, then I looked at the other two caskets. Tears made my vision swim. This is impossible. How am I supposed to kill the people who raised me?
I opened my mom’s casket again; she looked so beautiful laying in perfect peace. They looked happier than they had in years. The wrinkles beginning to form under her eyes were gone, smooth skin replaced it. Bottle that formula and sell it. For one low price of drinking a vampire's blood, you too can have skin that shines bright in the moonlight.
Something caught my eye. I looked down at the now torn backpack and saw the massive padlock I had taken from my dad’s shed. An idea sprung into my mind. Maybe I don’t have to kill them. I can lock them up and re-bury them. The night was nearly here, and a decision needed to be made. In a moment of weakness, I chose.
It was well past midnight when I finished packing the rest of the loose dirt back into the hole. Shortly after I started, I could hear a clawing noise coming from within. I didn’t so much as stop for a water break. When the hole was half filled, I couldn’t hear the cries of my parents anymore. Although I do hear them in my dreams sometimes.
The moon was hidden behind rain clouds, making it difficult to see. In my mad scramble out of the catacombs, I dropped my flashlight. I began my long trek back home, no longer fearing the shadows in the night.

Edits: added a couple late votes, added the other polishes with CA warnings, restocks (5/7), out of stocks (5/8)

Restocked: Pandemonium (7), Catfished (2), Prickly Pear (2), Fields of Elysium

So, I spent my morning sorting the comments on this post into a list:

https://www.reddit.com/mooncatpolish/comments/1cl3ytz/you_can_only_keep_5_of_your_mooncats_and_not_buy/

It helped me find some of the more unique polishes ahead of the sale. Maybe it’ll help someone else, even though I still don’t have a finalized cart Q.Q I don’t own enough MoonCat colors to add to the list myself, but I do love my Queen of the Dead and Fool’s Gold.
Dragon Scales, despite it’s popularity, is in another category because it has a California Warning (YMMV, but it’s a factor for me).
It’s super helpful to watch YT videos of the colors to really understand how each shade works, so I’ll also share some channels I used in combination with my list.
For colors that weren't swatched in the video shared in this post:

https://www.reddit.com/mooncatpolish/comments/1cl8vtm/swatches_recommendations_for_sale/

Searching the name of the color on either of these channels generally works:

https://www.youtube.com/@ColorExpression
https://www.youtube.com/@PolishedYogi

(I just found them through Google, let me know what channels you like)

Available (votes):

• House of Hades (19)
• Full Scream Ahead (7)
• Pandemonium (7)
• Sabertooth (7)
• Gates of Hell (6)
• Mermaid Bait (6)
• Sand Viper (6)
• Devil's Ivy (5)
• Flight of the Monarchs (5)
• Merkitten (5)
• A Midsummer’s Dream (4)
• Dark Horse (4)
• Fake Halo (4)
• Ghosts of Hecate (4)
• Moonicorn (4)
• Moonrise (4)
• Poisonberry (4)
• River Styx (4)
• Whiskey Sunrise (4)
• Artemis’ Deathkiss (3)
• Bottled Rage (3)
• Moonfairy (3)
• Pixiestick (3)
• Spaceoddity (3)
• Take Me To Your Leader (3)
• Tectonic Shift (3)
• Catfished (2)
• Curse of Calypso (2)
• Fool's Gold (2)
• Garden of Evil (2)
• Head In The Clouds (2)
• Like A Moth To A Flame (2)
• Mercury's Tears (2)
• Molten Lava (2)
• Prickly Pear (2)
• Siren's Deceit (2)
• Shattered Glass (2)
• Stolen Ambrosia (2)

Available, but only 1 vote:

• A Dolls House
• Am I Everything You Fear
• Aphrodisiac
• Bootlegger
• Cosmic Cowboy
• Curiosity’s Prey
• Drown My Demons
• Fields of Elysium
• Heart of Stone
• Heavenmetal
• Illusionist
• Insomniac
• Lovebomb
• Maelstrom
• Midnight Drive
• Millennia
• Monsters Under Your Head
• Moonflower
• Moonjelly
• Mortals Be Warned
• Neverland
• Pangea
• Petals for a Narcissist
• Plankton
• Pomegranate Seeds
• Poseidon’s Prize
• Queen of the Dead
• RAAAWR!
• Raven
• Sealed with a Hiss
• Strangeberry
• Sweet Nightmare
• The Dark Side
• The Stranger
• The Trouble with Immortality
• This is a Storm Warning
• To All Who Ghosted Me
• Triceratops
• Ultrahot
• White Rabbit
• Your Heart’s a Black Hole

Available, but have California Warnings:

• Dragon Scales (7)
• Smokescreen (2)
• Apparition (2)

Other colors with CA warnings, but no votes:

Supervillain
Malevolent
Velvet Rose

They all contain chromium or nickel.

Unavailable, “notify me”:

• Outlaw Country (2)
• Misery Is My Favorite Color
• Quicksand’s Embrace

Unavailable, “sold out”:

• Warp Zone (2)
• Haunted Forest
• If Frogs Had Wings
• Mood Ring
• Snake Charmer
• Tyrannosaurus Hex

Unavailable, not on website:

• A Very Merry Unbirthday (6)
• Cyborg (4)
• Mad Hatter (3)
• Ragdoll (3)
• What a Brilliant Nose (3)
• Cheshire Cat (2)
• Moonkitten (2)
• Moonwalk (2)
• My Bugs! My Bugs! (2)
• Sunken Splendor (2)
• Arcade Monster
• Everybody Scream
• My Sandy Claws Outfit
• Superclusterfck
• Wrathful Devotion

I immigrated to the United States from Russia ten years ago, but before that, I was a truck driver. I often drove the route with the seemingly innocuous name of the “M56,” a road that Stalin had built with the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, slaves to the Gulags. They were people the state had, in effect, condemned to death, and the state didn’t want them back. About half of them died. They froze to death, starved and collapsed from exhaustion- and to this day, many drivers swear they see ghosts on the M56.
Traveling up on the M56, I would come to the Kolyma Highway, which translated, means, “The Road of Bones”. It isn’t a metaphor. When the Gulag prisoners died constructing these roads, they wouldn’t bury their bodies, due to the permafrost making the ground too hard. So the prisoners’ bones were mixed in with the road, and covered over. The road itself literally has the bones of many tens of thousands of people mixed in.
To call the M56 or the Road of Bones “roads” gives the wrong impression, at least on the last time I drove the route, back in 2010. It isn’t a paved road, but covered in stones laid thickly over the Siberian dirt that turns into quicksand when it rains. The M56 runs straight north into Siberia, and there are still countless deaths on this road. It often washes out, and portions of the road used to just collapse. Massive dust storms sweep across it, causing collisions and deaths as trucks and cars swerved into trees, or passed into the other side of the road.
And my cargo was entirely uninsured. I drove with tons of beer in glass bottles in the back, some of which ended up shattering from the endless vibrations of driving over the sharp rocks all over the road, which also ended up slicing up my tires. I would go through over fifteen tires a month, sometimes twenty-five. Take a truck loaded with between fifteen to eighteen tons of beer and blow out a tire, and you could be sitting on an instantaneous fatal crash waiting to happen. All down the M56 you would see thousands and thousands of discarded tires on the sides of the road.
As for the beer, the people living in northern Siberia loved beer. I think they drank it more than water. Beer is more popular there than vodka, despite the fact it’s in Russia. Maybe beer is cheaper than bottled water. In some places, it is.
The story of my encounter on the M56 started before I had stopped at the warehouse dock to load up fifteen tons of beer in my aging, secondhand Japanese truck. It started when I saw a man standing outside, just staring at me. He had very dark eyes, and a round Siberian face with ruddy cheeks. He wore a fur jacket, but I couldn’t tell which animal it could have come from. He looked bundled up, with sweaters and multiple layers of pants. The fur coat also included a hood, which still had the face of the animal attached, though flattened and distorted. I immediately recognized that it had come from a brown bear.
I got out of my truck, lighting up a cigarette, and I started walking in his direction, pulling my jacket closed and putting a thick, woolen hat on my head. The wind whipped crazily all around me, sending the snow sideways and directly into my face. I cursed, trying to turn my head. The front door stood just beside the strange man, and I needed to go inside. Might as well start the paperwork now, I figured.
The man just kept staring, however, even as I got near. I was about to ask if he had a problem, when he started speaking.
“You are going on Kolyma- the Road of Bones?” he asked.
“Yes, I take the M56 north first,” I said. “That is my job. I travel here and travel there. As long as most of the cargo doesn’t get broken or fall off the truck, I make a decent living.”
“You should not go alone,” he said. “The Road of Bones will break you. It will crush you, as it crushed the bones of those who built it. You will not survive this journey, my friend. Not alone.” I laughed, but a chill ran down my spine.
“What are you, some kind of Siberian shaman?” I asked. He smiled, but said nothing. “Are you a psychic, friend? Do you tell me my future?”
“I only tell you the truth,” he said. “No more and no less. Many thought they would survive the Road of Bones. Most still lay there, skulls eternally grinning under the wheels that pass over them.”
“So what are you asking me?” I said.
“I’m not asking you anything,” he said. “But if you want any chance to survive, I should come with you. I will travel with you to Magadan, at the end of the Road of Bones, and then you will be free. You will have seen the true nature of the Road of Bones, and maybe, you’ll be alive.” I squinted at the man, wondering if I was talking to a madman or a drunkard, but he seemed completely coherent and logical. I wondered if maybe this was just the strangest hitchhiking ruse anyone had ever dreamed up. I stepped back, feeling cold. The smell of fumes from the other trucks pulling into the warehouse parking lot mixed with the scent of the evergreens that surrounded us here at the edge of town.
“What’s your name?” I asked him, looking closer at the skin on his fur coat. It looked like bear. It felt too hot standing next to the heat of the warehouse to be wearing fur.
“Yakov,” he said. “In my town, they call me Yakov the Seer.” I suppressed a slight smile at this.
“Yakov, my name is Nikolai. Yes, I am a truck driver. Why do you not just ask me for a ride?”
“Because I want you to prepare yourself,” he said cryptically, and then he would say nothing else on the subject, but simply told me he would come back once my cargo was loaded. I smiled and shook his hand, but as I walked away, I felt him staring at my back. Goosebumps rose on my arms and legs, and I wondered whether I had made the right call.
***
Soon, the truck was loaded, and I was ready to leave the lot. I stood in front of the door and looked around Yakov, but the thick snow obscured my vision. I couldn’t see farther than fifteen or twenty feet in any direction. Shrugging, I pulled myself into the driver’s seat and pulled the door close. The warm air from the truck made my tingling toes and fingers warm up. I took off my snow-covered jacket and hat. The smell of wet wool still reminds me of winter to this day.
Then there was a sudden rapping at my window. I jumped, reaching under my seat for my P-96 pistol, which I always kept loaded and hidden in case of bandits. But as I looked, I saw Yakov’s round, serious face looking in at me. I sighed, motioning for him to go around and get in. Because this was an old Japanese truck, it meant that the driver and passenger sides were switched from typical US or Russian convention, even though I still drove on the right side of the road.
Yakov had a small, leather sac with him that bulged with his few possessions. He sat down, looked over at me, and gave me a faint smile.
“Let’s go,” he said. “We have a very long ride.” Indeed, we did- at least 72 hours up to Yakutsk, where I would drop off the entire load of beer, and then a trip from Yakutsk to Magadan, which could take another five days. I then had to pick up another load in Magadan, a contract I had already accepted. They expected me there in 8 days. I would have to drive, perhaps, 17 or 18 hours a day to make it in time.
I set off slowly, the wind howling outside and the snow quickly covering the windshield. As I puttered down the paved road and towards the M56, Yakov told me a story.
***
“I used to be a driver on the M56 as well,” Yakov said. “One time, I had a load of vodka to transport to Yakutsk. It was summer.
“Dust blew so thickly across the road that I couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of me. I was afraid I would go off the road and flip the truck. Night had started to fall, so I pulled over on the side of the road and fell asleep.
“I awoke to a tapping on the door. I looked out, but no one stood there. I wondered if it was a trick. Bandits are known to rob truckers along these roads, as you know, and sometimes they even block the road with disabled vehicles to force the trucker to stop. Then they come out, drunk and armed, and steal whatever he’s transporting.” I nodded. I had heard many such stories.
“I had an old Makarov pistol, must have been from the time of Stalin himself.” He laughed. “But I’ll tell you, the Makarov is a good gun. As long as you clean it and take care of it, it lasts a long time. Just like the AK-47. Cheap and durable.
“I grabbed my Makarov and a flashlight and began to shine the light out the windows. The dust had greatly receded, and now I could see at least thirty or forty feet in every direction. To my amazement, I saw people working, in the middle of the night. But they looked strange and ethereal. They dug at the road with their hands, using half-broken shovels and rocks and ancient, rusted wheelbarrows to move the dirt. I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I was just dreaming. I saw the identification sewn into the back of their jackets- a series of numbers that would replace that person’s name, as they used to do in the Gulags.
“I started my truck, intending to get the hell out of there, and as soon as the engine made a noise, they all turned to look at me. They had woolen caps and thinly-padded jackets, with holes in their pants. None wore gloves. They shivered, trembling, even though it was warm out at the time.
“And then I noticed the horrific wounds each of them had. Many had gunshot wounds to the head, while others had crushed arms or hands. Each looked like a skeleton, starved nearly to death.
“They were all dead. They had to be.
“I drove forwards, hoping they would move out of the way, but they didn’t. Very slowly, I drove towards one of the men in the group, one whose face had been destroyed by a gunshot wound, turned into a mask of bone splinters and gore. He just stared up at me as I approached. I kept moving forwards slowly, and I passed right through him. By the time I had gotten a few dozen feet up, I turned around, and saw they were all gone.”
We had come onto the M56 by this point, and the whole truck vibrated horribly, shaking on the loose dirt and stones that comprised the road. I looked over at Yakov for a moment, wondering if he was pulling my leg.
“Haven’t you ever seen anything?” he asked.
“Well, I have, but not ghosts,” I said. “Not the ghosts of Stalinism.” I opened a fresh pack of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it. I rolled down the window slightly. The bitterly cold wind began to whip into the truck, raising goosebumps all over my body. A cold wave of dread went down my spine, but for another reason. I didn’t want to think of the story.
And yet I told it anyway.
***
“It was winter, very cold, just like now. I was driving down the M56 and found a car on the side of the road. Its hazards were on, and its engine was not running. We never turn our engines off here in the winter, because they won’t start again in the freezing cold. Not at -60 or -70 with the windchill. I instantly knew the driver was in trouble.
“I pulled the truck over and got out. I examined the car, and saw the windows smashed, shards of broken glass all over the seats and floor. And the driver’s seat- it looked like it was covered in blood. And yet, no driver. I checked under the car and looked in the nearby forest, shining my flashlight through the trees. I called out for the driver, asking if he was hurt.
“For a long moment, no one answered me. And then I heard it. An answer, very faint but with each of the words still recognizable.
“‘Please,’ it said, ‘I’m hurt. Come deeper into the woods and help me.’
“It’s voice did not sound normal. At first, I wondered if it was just the voice of an injured man, but it had a hissing quality, a low, gurgling tone. I tried to think fast, and simply called out a question.
“‘Did you get in a car crash?’ I asked. ‘What happened?’
“The voice came back again after a few long seconds of silence. And it just said the same thing, in the same identical cadence and speed, as if a recording played in the woods on repeat.
“‘Please, I’m hurt. Come deeper into the woods and help me.’ At that point, I decided that I would leave immediately. Something felt wrong with the situation. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but my intuition screamed at me that something didn’t add up. I turned to go, and on the other side of the road, I saw- well, something. I’m not sure what it was.
“It was like a man, but hairless, its skin shrunken and pale, totally bleached-white against its bones. It looked starved, its knees knobby, its legs just consisting of bones wrapped with skin, like white sticks. Standing there totally naked, without sex organs, without eyebrows, its nose and ears missing, I wondered if it was human at all. Now, looking back on it, I know it was not.
“Its eyes looked like shining orbs of pure blackness, huge pools of liquid black that stared at me, unblinking. And then it opened its mouth, showing many twisted and crooked yellow teeth.
“‘Please, I’m hurt,’ it said, never changing its expression. It sounded like a recording. And I heard the same words behind me, coming from the forest. ‘Please,’ another one said, maybe only ten feet behind me from the sound.
“I ran towards my truck, and I heard footsteps behind me, at least two pairs and maybe more. I didn’t look back. I ran for my life and flung open the door. Just as I was closing it, a hand grabbed my leg. I shrieked, trying over and over again to close the door. I kept slamming against the thin, long white hand that had me. Eventually, it let go, and I started the truck and got out of there.
“When I looked back, I saw dozens of pairs of black eyes, staring at me, unblinking.”
Part 2
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/16k0p69/i_worked_as_an_iceroad_trucker_in_russia_along/

Hey everyone, here is this weeks rundown of new releases across the alternative music scene! Please drop a comment for anything I missed! Spotify users, please drop a follow on my playlist for regular new music updates:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Lms13s7L5pllq0gDJJ87s?si=KGizgBqMSnaHVD3UawzfkQ&pi=u-JEd7m4KkQHGr
​
Pop-Punk:
Microwave - Let's Start Degeneracy (Album)
Boys Of Fall - Boys Of Fall (Album)
An Honest Mistake - The Lonely Hearts Club (Album)
Like A Motorcycle - Pretty Pleased (Album)
The Losers Club - Ban This (EP)
Say Anything - ON CUM (Single)
The Dangerous Summer - What's An Hour Really Worth (Single)
Slow Joy - King Cowboy (Single)
Action/Adventure - Real Juicer Hours (Single)
Spanish Love Songs - Haunted - Acoustic (Single)
Midfield (feat. Goalkeeper) - Southpaw (Single)
Cawston - Quicksand (Single)
Whitsett - A Promise Kept, at Very Best (Single)
SUCKERPUNCH! (feat. trxvis) - 99 (Single)
Dial Denial - Flatline (Single)
Lost Trees - Kaleidoscope (Single)
My Cousin's Girlfriend's House - All For Love & All For Nothing (Single)
Pushing Veronica - Jack of the Drought (Single)
Shady Fat Kats - Erase Me (Single)
Ray Hawthorne - Flatline (Single)
Three Minute Picture - On Fire (Single)
FXRLY - Linger (Cover)
Smrtdeath - Holy War (Single)
PainKillers - SuRrEaLe (Single)
Loose Lips - Heartbreak Radio (Single)
Lonely Spring (feat. DAMONA) - Secondhand Heart (Single)
The Dutch Rudders - Luann Van Houten (Single)
Jake Goodrum - BACK DOWN (Single)
Chad Tepper - Let You Down Again (Single)
jxdn - STRAY / SAD OCTOBER (Singles)
Yung Beathoven - NET EK EN JY (Single)
YUNGBLUD - I Was Made For Lovin' You (Cover)
Huddy - 21 (Single)
NLM - ur the air i breathe - stripped (Single)
​
Other:
Wake Up Hate - DRAG ME TO HELL (Album)
With Sails Ahead - Infinite Void (Album)
Full Of Hell - Coagulated Bliss (Album)
Diamond Construct - Angel Killer Zero (Album)
Gutter King - Chemical Messages (Deluxe Album)
Hot Milk - Hot Milk II (Live at Manchester Academy) (Album)
Alien Ant Farm - ~mAntras~ (Album)
Lift The CUrse - Overtake (Album)
Matriarchs - Scandalous Jointz 2.0 (EP)
Tezura - The Silent Remain Forgotten (EP)
Twenty One Pilots - Backslide (Single)
Knocked Loose (feat. Poppy) - Suffocate (Single)
In Hearts Wake - Hollow Bones (Single)
Black Veil Brides - Bleeders (Single)
Born Of Osiris - Elevate (Single)
Rain City Drive (feat. Dayseeker) - Medicate Me (Single)
Hands Like Houses - Hollow (Single)
Periphery (feat. Mike Dawes) - It's Only Smiles (Single)
156/Silence -- Unreasonable Doubt (Single)
The Narrator - Devastator (Single)
Bodysnatcher - Severed (Single)
Fame On Fire - Spiral (Justice) (Single)
Elyne - Clinical Death (Single)
Extortionist - When It All Goes Dark (Single)
ASkySoBlack - Boy Like A Bruise (Single)
Ghost!InTheWall - CALAMITY (Single)
Confessions Of A Traitor (feat. Convictions) - Hail Mary (Single)
FOXCULT (feat. Michael Skaggs) - ASTRAL GALLERY (Single)
Tyler Rossow (feat. Late 9) - Now Trending (Single)
Nik Nocturnal (feat. Lindsay Schoolcraft) - Never Again (Single)
The Missing Peace - skii ball (Single)
Promise Everything - Closer To You (Single)
Asuna - Sixty (Single)
REFORMISTS (feat. Changing Tides) - Venomous (Single)
Alleviate (feat. Nik Nocturnal) - Gravity (Single)
Crooked Souls (feat. Dropout Kings) - The Villain You Create (Single)
The Weight of Silence - THE OTHER SIDE (Single)
PORTENT (feat. BRACES) - ATONE (Single)
Virtue Furnace - Everything is Broken (Single)
Haunting Ghosts - The End (Single)
Heaven Unknown - Decline (Single)
DEADEND - Bury The Lie (Single)
Iridium - Social Warriors (Single)
NaySayers - To The GRave (Single)
Sounds Like Color - Wasteland (Single)
Cellar Twins - Inertia (Single)
Fire To Breathe - Candy (Single)
Islander - Ritual Of Death (Single)
Chaosbay - THE WAY TO HELL (Single)
Softcult - One Of The Pack (Single)
Creeper - Love And Pain (Single)

Hey everyone, here is this weeks rundown of new releases across the alternative music scene! Please drop a comment for anything I missed!
​
Pop-Punk:
Microwave - Let's Start Degeneracy (Album)
Boys Of Fall - Boys Of Fall (Album)
An Honest Mistake - The Lonely Hearts Club (Album)
Like A Motorcycle - Pretty Pleased (Album)
The Losers Club - Ban This (EP)
Say Anything - ON CUM (Single)
The Dangerous Summer - What's An Hour Really Worth (Single)
Slow Joy - King Cowboy (Single)
Action/Adventure - Real Juicer Hours (Single)
Spanish Love Songs - Haunted - Acoustic (Single)
Midfield (feat. Goalkeeper) - Southpaw (Single)
Cawston - Quicksand (Single)
Whitsett - A Promise Kept, at Very Best (Single)
SUCKERPUNCH! (feat. trxvis) - 99 (Single)
Dial Denial - Flatline (Single)
Lost Trees - Kaleidoscope (Single)
My Cousin's Girlfriend's House - All For Love & All For Nothing (Single)
Pushing Veronica - Jack of the Drought (Single)
Shady Fat Kats - Erase Me (Single)
Ray Hawthorne - Flatline (Single)
Three Minute Picture - On Fire (Single)
FXRLY - Linger (Cover)
Smrtdeath - Holy War (Single)
PainKillers - SuRrEaLe (Single)
Loose Lips - Heartbreak Radio (Single)
Lonely Spring (feat. DAMONA) - Secondhand Heart (Single)
The Dutch Rudders - Luann Van Houten (Single)
Jake Goodrum - BACK DOWN (Single)
Chad Tepper - Let You Down Again (Single)
jxdn - STRAY / SAD OCTOBER (Singles)
Yung Beathoven - NET EK EN JY (Single)
YUNGBLUD - I Was Made For Lovin' You (Cover)
Huddy - 21 (Single)
NLM - ur the air i breathe - stripped (Single)
​
Other:
Wake Up Hate - DRAG ME TO HELL (Album)
With Sails Ahead - Infinite Void (Album)
Full Of Hell - Coagulated Bliss (Album)
Diamond Construct - Angel Killer Zero (Album)
Gutter King - Chemical Messages (Deluxe Album)
Hot Milk - Hot Milk II (Live at Manchester Academy) (Album)
Alien Ant Farm - ~mAntras~ (Album)
Lift The CUrse - Overtake (Album)
Matriarchs - Scandalous Jointz 2.0 (EP)
Tezura - The Silent Remain Forgotten (EP)
Twenty One Pilots - Backslide (Single)
Knocked Loose (feat. Poppy) - Suffocate (Single)
In Hearts Wake - Hollow Bones (Single)
Black Veil Brides - Bleeders (Single)
Born Of Osiris - Elevate (Single)
Rain City Drive (feat. Dayseeker) - Medicate Me (Single)
Hands Like Houses - Hollow (Single)
Periphery (feat. Mike Dawes) - It's Only Smiles (Single)
156/Silence -- Unreasonable Doubt (Single)
The Narrator - Devastator (Single)
Bodysnatcher - Severed (Single)
Fame On Fire - Spiral (Justice) (Single)
Elyne - Clinical Death (Single)
Extortionist - When It All Goes Dark (Single)
ASkySoBlack - Boy Like A Bruise (Single)
Ghost!InTheWall - CALAMITY (Single)
Confessions Of A Traitor (feat. Convictions) - Hail Mary (Single)
FOXCULT (feat. Michael Skaggs) - ASTRAL GALLERY (Single)
Tyler Rossow (feat. Late 9) - Now Trending (Single)
Nik Nocturnal (feat. Lindsay Schoolcraft) - Never Again (Single)
The Missing Peace - skii ball (Single)
Promise Everything - Closer To You (Single)
Asuna - Sixty (Single)
REFORMISTS (feat. Changing Tides) - Venomous (Single)
Alleviate (feat. Nik Nocturnal) - Gravity (Single)
Crooked Souls (feat. Dropout Kings) - The Villain You Create (Single)
The Weight of Silence - THE OTHER SIDE (Single)
PORTENT (feat. BRACES) - ATONE (Single)
Virtue Furnace - Everything is Broken (Single)
Haunting Ghosts - The End (Single)
Heaven Unknown - Decline (Single)
DEADEND - Bury The Lie (Single)
Iridium - Social Warriors (Single)
NaySayers - To The GRave (Single)
Sounds Like Color - Wasteland (Single)
Cellar Twins - Inertia (Single)
Fire To Breathe - Candy (Single)
Islander - Ritual Of Death (Single)
Chaosbay - THE WAY TO HELL (Single)
Softcult - One Of The Pack (Single)
Creeper - Love And Pain (Single)

So, initially, this was going to be a post asking for advice regarding dating people with borderline personality disorder, but it turned into me writing out my story. It was pretty cathartic! Even though I’m not asking any direct questions, I would love to hear some experiences and how people navigated their loved ones' BPD. My previous partner is not formally diagnosed. This could all be conjecture for all I know, but once I got out of the relationship and could think through his behaviors, things just added up. Thanks for the read and I am open to any and all advice!! 🙂
I felt like my partner could never celebrate me. Ever. He never asked for details about my accomplishments or plans. And on the off chance he did, it was always riddled with doubt and subtle disapproval. Sometimes, it felt like he didn't know much about me, and I'm starting to realize that maybe I didn't know him at all.
He would always complain about not being able to meet my family. Apparently, family is really big to him. My parents were finally okay with meeting him and invited him on a day trip to attend my graduation. It would take less than 10 hours to drive there, attend the ceremony, drive back, and have dinner. He'd get to meet my parents and siblings. His dream is to be part of a healthy family dynamic, something he said he lacked growing up.
He said he'd love to come. Excitedly, he started planning that night. His mood was electrifying. But of course, he backs out the day before the trip because he suddenly needs to finish some HUGE school assignment. He said he was sorry but would make it up to me when I got home. He promised. I met him later that evening. The first thing he told me was that my hair looked frizzy.
Congratulations to me.
But that statement was justified because he bought me my favorite flowers. God knows that only happens once a year. I should be grateful. He said he'd do better. He believes I am the best thing that's ever happened to him—the perfect girlfriend, even a potential wife.
But he hates the way I move my hands when I talk. He doesn't like the way I kiss. It's awkward. Like a bird.
He also thinks I'm kind of a slut. But that's ok since that's how we met. He's set his boundaries around it. He leaves when he wants. If I dare THINK about another man, he'll never want to work things out with me. He eloquently stated, "Once someone has had you, I don't want you. I'm possessive." But let’s be fair. When he unceremoniously disappears, he can meet other people. It's not his fault. It just happened. Nothing is intentional. It's different from my unscrupulous behavior.
I'm annoying as well. I move too much. Can’t I just be still for a minute? It makes him dizzy. I’m giving him a headache. He’s upset. He won’t say it, though. He just grows quiet. The air is thick. He’s angry. Now, he’s saying hurtful things. He ends his spewing with “Bye, baby girl.” That’s my cue to leave. His signal. He’s reached a point of no return. He’s done with me.
But he reaches out. Like he always does. The time varies. Could be hours, could be months. I never know. I just see his name flash across my phone. I’m disoriented. I don’t know which way is up. He says he loves me. He can’t wait to see me again. He thinks I’d make a fantastic mother. Oh, and don’t forget the flower he got me. I left them on his kitchen counter when I left in a hurry last night. He has to go now; he’s planning a date night for us.
This was back in 2022, and I still held on despite the obvious issues. We met in 2018, and the rollercoaster just never seemed to stop.
An endless cycle of push and pull. Love and hate. The more I push, the harder he pulls apart. The further I walk away, the faster he runs towards me. There's an unspeakable imbalance. But we just called it love.
He loves to help, but he never helps me. Ever. Even when my life was unraveling, he told me I had everything together. I don't need him like he needs me. But he also doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone. He's isolated. He moved across the country from all his family and friends. Or so I thought. He has no friends. He boasts that he’s independent. He’s self-sufficient. He enshrouds his family with a constant waiting state—waiting to talk and resolve things. He's paralyzed. He can’t explain what he’s thinking. They can’t see him weak. He’s the savior. But he’s hurt that one reaches out to him. Only they do; he just refuses to pick up the call. He doesn’t need them. They just add so much stress to his life. He needs no one. He just needs me. He just has me. He loves me. Sincerely, he says. It's different from all his other relationships. I'm too much, yet not quite enough.
He doesn't know why. He can't explain how he's feeling. He just knows he loves me. He can't express it. His behaviors never match his words.
So he tries again. It fails. I tell him, let's work on it. It’s simple: Do what you say you’re going to do. He's hurt. I didn’t appreciate his efforts. His hurt manifests as silence, which turns into frustration. Suddenly, I'm the bad one. He lists all the reasons he’s a horrible human being and why he can't make me happy. He says I'd be happier with some other guy. Someone taller and conventionally attractive. I try to soothe his wounds. It makes things worse. This anger boils. He picks at me. He tries to exploit my insecurities. I try to disengage. That slight discomfort ignites something in him. Suddenly, that rage is replaced with hugs and longing gazes. He’s telling me not to leave but not trying to stop me. He thinks this is Passion. I am receptive because I love him. I want it to work. We hug. We make love—explosive bandages for unhealing wounds. Passion rapidly transforms into distance.
There it is. He's gone again—radio silence. The whiplash is severe.
Eggshells. My knees hurt from trying to maintain the balance between walking softly to avoid upsetting him but firm enough that his unpredictability does not throw me. It doesn't matter. I'm doing it wrong anyway. He wants me to crawl to him, so he always has the advantage. He’s masterful. Calculating. So long as he’s above me, he can escape me before I stand and gather my bearings. I hear the cracks. I'm getting weak. Just like he said I was. No resolve. I can’t even fight for the man I love. It’s getting harder to maintain, but I pray to God for stability. Surely, if this is love, we push through the descent. My feet waver. I’m trapped in quicksand–slow and painful. I struggle to free myself, but the sinking continues.
It's present day, and we're trying to reconcile again.
Things have been going well. He's communicating, consistent, and seems to want to put in the work. He's been stressed because of his pending job offer. He was supposed to start in February, but things keep falling through. He doesn't want my help. He'll let me know, but he's okay for now.
He just wants to focus on us. The plan is for him to get stable, and we'll start to make plans to live together—something new. Things will be better. He'll be financially stable. According to him, instability was the definitive reason we struggled so much in our relationship. It'll be better now—or so he thinks. He can't really explain it, but he knows that's the issue.
He says he can finally be the man I deserve. The money will solve: The poor communication, The lying, The distancing, The vilifying, The cheating, The lack of trust, The lack of accountability, The isolation, The ghosting, The silence, The quiet mood swings, The insecurities, The love, The hatred.
The hurt—This money is going to be our key to happiness.
The job comes through. He's on cloud nine. He told me he cried. I'm so happy for him. The love of my life is finally experiencing some peace.
He suddenly starts talking about marriage. We've been on and off for six years, so I just thought he was finally wanting to get serious and settle down. I didn't think it was an unusual conversation, and he seemed to be intentional. I was excited to see some initiative on his end. Things seem to be going great—a natural progression for a man heading into his 30s.
One week later, he randomly drops communication—out of nowhere, as usual. I'm frustrated. I keep my distance but eventually reach out, telling him I'm not doing this back-and-forth with him again. I'm exhausted. Enough is enough. If I'm the only one keeping this relationship afloat, I want out.
He responds. Almost immediately. Apologizes. He's been caught up with work and gaming over the weekend. He'll do better. He promises. He’s going to show me he’s serious this time.
I try to be understanding because I'm also drowning in my own responsibilities, but I always make time. I save that argument for another day.
I'm not saying anything new.
I decide to take the peaceful route.
I am out of state for school, so naturally, I miss him. I told him this and asked him to call me over the weekend so we could catch up. He said he missed me too and would call me this weekend.
He never called.
It's been over a month.
Messages have yet to be read.
He encapsulated me in silence.
An abandoned doll on a shelf, waiting to be played with once again.
But it's okay. He said he loved me.

So, initially, this was going to be a post asking for advice regarding dating people with borderline personality disorder, but it turned into me writing out my story. It was pretty cathartic! Even though I’m not asking any direct questions, I would love to hear some experiences and how people navigated their loved ones' BPD. My previous partner is not formally diagnosed. This could all be conjecture for all I know, but once I got out of the relationship and could think through his behaviors, things just added up. Thanks for the read and I am open to any and all advice!! 🙂
I felt like my partner could never celebrate me. Ever. He never asked for details about my accomplishments or plans. And on the off chance he did, it was always riddled with doubt and subtle disapproval. Sometimes, it felt like he didn't know much about me, and I'm starting to realize that maybe I didn't know him at all.
He would always complain about not being able to meet my family. Apparently, family is really big to him. My parents were finally okay with meeting him and invited him on a day trip to attend my graduation. It would take less than 10 hours to drive there, attend the ceremony, drive back, and have dinner. He'd get to meet my parents and siblings. His dream is to be part of a healthy family dynamic, something he said he lacked growing up.
He said he'd love to come. Excitedly, he started planning that night. His mood was electrifying. But of course, he backs out the day before the trip because he suddenly needs to finish some HUGE school assignment. He said he was sorry but would make it up to me when I got home. He promised. I met him later that evening. The first thing he told me was that my hair looked frizzy.
Congratulations to me.
But that statement was justified because he bought me my favorite flowers. God knows that only happens once a year. I should be grateful. He said he'd do better. He believes I am the best thing that's ever happened to him—the perfect girlfriend, even a potential wife.
But he hates the way I move my hands when I talk. He doesn't like the way I kiss. It's awkward. Like a bird.
He also thinks I'm kind of a slut. But that's ok since that's how we met. He's set his boundaries around it. He leaves when he wants. If I dare THINK about another man, he'll never want to work things out with me. He eloquently stated, "Once someone has had you, I don't want you. I'm possessive." But let’s be fair. When he unceremoniously disappears, he can meet other people. It's not his fault. It just happened. Nothing is intentional. It's different from my unscrupulous behavior.
I'm annoying as well. I move too much. Can’t I just be still for a minute? It makes him dizzy. I’m giving him a headache. He’s upset. He won’t say it, though. He just grows quiet. The air is thick. He’s angry. Now, he’s saying hurtful things. He ends his spewing with “Bye, baby girl.” That’s my cue to leave. His signal. He’s reached a point of no return. He’s done with me.
But he reaches out. Like he always does. The time varies. Could be hours, could be months. I never know. I just see his name flash across my phone. I’m disoriented. I don’t know which way is up. He says he loves me. He can’t wait to see me again. He thinks I’d make a fantastic mother. Oh, and don’t forget the flowers he got me. I left them on his kitchen counter when I left in a hurry last night. He has to go now; he’s planning a date night for us.
This was back in 2022, and I still held on despite the obvious issues. We met in 2018, and the rollercoaster just never seemed to stop.
An endless cycle of push and pull. Love and hate. The more I push, the harder he pulls apart. The further I walk away, the faster he runs towards me. There's an unspeakable imbalance. But we just called it love.
He loves to help, but he never helps me. Ever. Even when my life was unraveling, he told me I had everything together. I don't need him like he needs me. But he also doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone. He's isolated. He moved across the country from all his family and friends. Or so I thought. He has no friends. He boasts that he’s independent. He’s self-sufficient. He enshrouds his family with a constant waiting state—waiting to talk and resolve things. He's paralyzed. He can’t explain what he’s thinking. They can’t see him weak. He’s the savior. But he’s hurt that no one reaches out to him. Only they do; he just refuses to pick up the call. He doesn’t need them. They just add so much stress to his life. He needs no one. He just needs me. He just has me. He loves me. Sincerely, he says. It's different from all his other relationships. I'm too much, yet not quite enough.
He doesn't know why. He can't explain how he's feeling. He just knows he loves me. He can't express it. His behaviors never match his words.
So he tries again. It fails. I tell him, let's work on it. It’s simple: Do what you say you’re going to do. He's hurt. I didn’t appreciate his efforts. His hurt manifests as silence, which turns into frustration. Suddenly, I'm the bad one. He lists all the reasons he’s a horrible human being and why he can't make me happy. He says I'd be happier with some other guy. Someone taller and conventionally attractive. I try to soothe his wounds. It makes things worse. This anger boils. He picks at me. He tries to exploit my insecurities. I try to disengage. That slight discomfort ignites something in him. Suddenly, that rage is replaced with hugs and longing gazes. He’s telling me not to leave but not trying to stop me. He thinks this is Passion. I am receptive because I love him. I want it to work. We hug. We make love—explosive bandages for unhealing wounds. Passion rapidly transforms into distance.
There it is. He's gone again—radio silence. The whiplash is severe.
Eggshells. My knees ache from trying to maintain the balance between walking softly to avoid upsetting him but firm enough that his unpredictability does not throw me. It doesn't matter. I'm doing it wrong anyway. He wants me to crawl to him, so he always has the advantage. He’s masterful. Calculating. So long as he’s above me, he can escape me before I gather enough strength to stand and find my bearings. He has to leave first. Never the other way around. Ever. If I start to slip through his fingertips, he tightens his hold just to ensure he'll be the first to let go.
Control. Something he seeks out but rarely experiences. I am now the sounding board for all his failures. My presence reflecting back his inner turmoil-- it's blinding him. The confinement of my love collapses his throat. He's trapped now. The distance is immense, even as our elbows collide in bed. Wordless glances are shared. He studies my face. The trigger point. Culpability starts to inch up his spine, it's physically pains him. So, he turns away. The wall is firmly up. Buried object constancy. I've been devalued in an instant .He does not see me, therefore I do not exist. Crisis averted and yet another conflict left unresolved. I hear the cracks. I'm getting weak. Just like he said I was. No resolve. I can’t even fight for the man I love. It’s getting harder to maintain, but I pray to God for stability. Surely, if this is love, we push through the descent. My feet waver. I’m trapped in quicksand–slow and painful. I struggle to free myself, but the sinking continues.
It's present day, and we're trying to reconcile again.
Things have been going well. He's communicating, consistent, and seems to want to put in the work. He's been stressed because of his pending job offer. He was supposed to start in February, but things keep falling through. He doesn't want my help. He'll let me know, but he's okay for now.
He just wants to focus on us. The plan is for him to get stable, and we'll start to make plans to live together—something new. Things will be better. He'll be financially stable. According to him, instability was the definitive reason we struggled so much in our relationship. It'll be better now—or so he thinks. He can't really explain it, but he knows that's the issue.
He says he can finally be the man I deserve. The money will solve: The poor communication, The lying, The distancing, The vilifying, The cheating, The lack of trust, The lack of accountability, The isolation, The ghosting, The silence, The quiet mood swings, The insecurities, The love, The hatred.
The hurt—This money is going to be our key to happiness.
The job comes through. He's on cloud nine. He told me he could cry. I'm so happy for him. The love of my life is finally experiencing some peace.
He suddenly starts talking about marriage. We've been on and off for six years, so I just thought he was finally wanting to get serious and settle down. I didn't think it was an unusual conversation, and he seemed to be intentional. I was excited to see some initiative on his end. Things seem to be going great—a natural progression for a man heading into his 30s.
One week later, he randomly drops communication—out of nowhere, as usual. I'm frustrated. I keep my distance but eventually reach out, telling him I'm not doing this back-and-forth with him again. I'm exhausted. Enough is enough. If I'm the only one keeping this relationship afloat, I want out.
He responds. Almost immediately. Apologizes. He's been caught up with work and gaming over the weekend. He'll do better. He promises. He’s going to show me he’s serious this time.
I try to be understanding because I'm also drowning in my own responsibilities, but I always make time. I save that argument for another day.
I'm not saying anything new.
I decide to take the peaceful route.
I am out of state for school, so naturally, I miss him. I told him this and asked him to call me over the weekend so we could catch up. He said he missed me too and would call me this weekend.
He never called.
It's been over a month.
Messages have yet to be read.
He encapsulated me in silence.
An abandoned doll on a shelf, waiting to be played with once again.
But, it's okay.
A haunting echo still resonates.
He said he loved me.
TLDR: Think my ex might have quiet BPD. Any tips for recognizing and navigating relationships?

https://preview.redd.it/2hnea5i3iowc1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=b37c6917f44df273e3e96948887272b4483003df
Hi, my name is Sleepy but here it is Ghosterized. I'm fundraising for a project of mine that I feel like other people could get excited for too. A One Piece Minecraft server built from the ground up with all custom plugins. It would include a multitude of things and I'm going to share them with you here. This is a brief overview of the systems I'd like to incorporate into the server. This is One Piece World. A fully fledged Minecraft open-world MMO RPG with raids, trials, mounts, devil fruits, and unique GUI's and systems. I have been wanting this for awhile and I plan on delivering on it. I need the money to hire: developers, modelers, artists, effect artists, and other freelance work. I have a lot more to discuss that I want added and hell, who knows, maybe 20k isn't enough, but at least is it a start. I believe in this project with my heart and soul and I know I could manage a team and deliver an amazing One Piece experience like no other. I will listen to the community and add features suggested by them, I will engage with the community, do Q and A's, I want my community to know I love what I'm doing.

Race System

When players join the server, they are randomly assigned a race, each with unique abilities:
Mink:
Increases player speed.
Grants bunny ears for a whimsical touch.
Fishman:
Enhances swimming speed.
Adds a fin on the player’s back.
Skypiean:
Allows higher jumps.
Provides angel wings.
Humans:
Gain an extra 2 hearts for increased durability.
Players can also purchase race tokens to customize their race. A custom GUI displays race options, and there’s even a race spin wheel for random selection.

Haki System

Players have an extra hotbar slot for haki abilities:
Armament Haki:
Hardens the player’s skin, increasing damage dealt.
Applies to fists or swords (if equipped).
Gives a black, hardened appearance to items/entities.
Observation Haki:
Allows detection and sensing of nearby entities.
Entities appear with a blue, misty soul-like aura visible through blocks.
Conqueror’s Haki:
Rare chance upon joining the game.
Unleashes chaotic red waves of energy, damaging everything nearby.

Devil Fruits

Fire Fruit:
Fire Bullets: Shoots three fire bullets.
Fireball: Shoots a big fireball.
Fire Column: Creates a column of fire shooting up from the ground.
Ice Fruit:
Cold Tornado: Generates an icy tornado that sucks players in, throws them high into the air, and stuns them.
Ice Wall: Creates a wall of ice.
Ice Shards: Shoots three shards of ice.
Water-to-Ice Transformation: Turns water into ice when walked upon.
Dark Fruit:
Dark Slash: Executes a black slash attack.
Blackhole: Summons a black orb that pulls entities toward it, dealing damage once they reach the hole.
Blind: Creates a smokescreen of darkness that blinds nearby players.
Light Fruit:
Golden Sword: Comes with a golden sword made of light.
Light Ray: Fires a golden ray of light.
Light Bullets: Shoots three golden bullets.
Reflection of Light: Enables teleportation.
Gum-Gum Fruit:
Pistol: Extends the arm forward, dealing damage to everything in its path.
Smash: Extends the arm into the air and comes down, creating a powerful smash attack.
Sweeping Kick: Performs a leg sweep with knockback.
Love Fruit:
Pink Bow: Comes with a pink bow with infinite heart arrows.
Heart Shot: Fires a pink bow shot that moves faster and in a straight line, dealing more damage than regular bows.
Heart Explosion: Fires a pink bow shot that moves fast and explodes into a heart on impact, causing area-of-effect damage.
Heart Attraction: Temporarily prevents affected entities from harming the user.
Phoenix:
Transformation: Transforms into a blue-fiery phoenix with wings, gaining the ability to fly.
Blue Fire Ray: Shoots a ray of blue flames.
Slam: Flies into the air and slams down, creating a fiery explosion.
Blue Fire Bullets: Shoots three blue flame bullets.
Lightning:
Lightning Ball: Creates a stationary ball of lightning that damages those near and inside it.
Thunderstorm: Unleashes a barrage of lightning strikes.
Judgment: Delivers one massive lightning strike lasting for three whole seconds.

Virtual Dojo

A dedicated space where players can enter and face waves of enemies or complete obstacle courses. Mastery points are rewarded for both Devil Fruit powers and Haki.

Bosses

Bosses will have portals at spawn for raids:
Captain Buggy: Can separate his body parts to attack. Drops: Captain’s Coat.
Crocodile: Uses sand powers to create sandstorms and quicksand traps. Drops: Hook.
Enel: Strikes with lightning bolts from a distance. Drops: Golden Staff.
Rob Lucci: Transforms into a leopard, with increased speed and strength. Drops: Cipher Pol Jacket.
Gecko Moria: Summons shadows to fight alongside him. Drops: Giant Scissors.
Donquixote Doflamingo: Controls players with strings and creates clones. Drops: Pink Feather Coat.
Kizaru: Moves at the speed of light, delivering fast attacks. Drops: Marine Admiral Coat.
Charlotte Linlin (Big Mom): Summons homies to attack players. Drops: Napoleon Hat.

Bounty Multipliers

Apply multipliers to bounties based on specific conditions. For example:
Notoriety: Bounties increase faster if a player defeats other high-bounty players.
Crew Influence: Bounties rise when a player leads a powerful crew or alliance.
Quest Accomplishments: Completing challenging quests grants temporary bounty boosts.

Bounty Quests

Create special quests related to bounties. These could involve hunting down notorious players, retrieving stolen treasures, or capturing elusive criminals.
Completing these quests rewards players with both experience and bounty points.
Bounty Notices.
Broadcast bounty notices globally or within specific regions when players reach a certain bounty/rank, creating excitement and encouraging PvP interactions.

Factions

Faction Leaders: At the spawn, there will be distinct areas designated for each faction leader. These leaders can be NPCs (Non-Player Characters) that provide quests, information, and faction-specific interactions.
Point System: Each faction will have its own unique point system. Points can be earned through completing faction-specific quests, defeating enemies, or participating in events. These points can be used in faction shops to purchase items, upgrades, or special abilities.
Shops: Every faction will have its own shop with items and perks relevant to their theme. For example, the Pirate shop might sell ship upgrades, while the Marine shop could offer armor and weapons.
Bounty Points: In addition to their unique points, all factions will reward players with bounty points. These points reflect a player’s notoriety and can be used to unlock special content or participate in server-wide events.
Faction Ranks: Players can rise through the ranks of their chosen faction by earning points and completing objectives. Higher ranks unlock more privileges and access to exclusive areas.

Crews

Crew system: acts like the traditional guild system found in other servers and games that players can create and recruit for. However, this does not mean you can attack another player or crew and destroy their base. Destroying other players' bases is prohibited. There will be protection for player bases. Crews can accumulate crew points based on the bounty increase (if you join with a high bounty it won't matter, you only affect the crew points for raising your bounty once joining the crew) or by beating bosses and other trials. Crew points can be used to purchase items and weapons.

Misc Information:

Currency, PVP arena (a battlegrounds where everyone fends for themselves), weapons, gear, misc items, foods, crate shop. Ranks and prefixes. Have an NPC that has quests for ranks, like getting 1000 marine points, killing 20 players, idk stuff like that. It’s basically like a title. It will show up beside your name in chat. Spawn is a safe haven with portals to dimensions with bosses, trials, events, quests, the virtual dojo, faction NPC’s, shop NPC’s, crates, haki quests, and the devil fruit trader (3 random devil fruits will be available daily, however you are allowed to purchase all devil fruits with IRL money and you get to keep them forever. Fruits sold with the in game currency will not get to be kept if you eat another devil fruit). Outside of spawn you may play normally and build your bases and complete quests for your factions, however PVP is enabled and expect to have to fight from time to time!
A link to the GoFundMe can be found on the discord! Only join if you're interested in investing or donating!
https://discord.gg/zZbx9HBe6J

This is her paid substack from the 18th, for anyone who cares:
"You guys… I haven’t shared this on social media, but I bought something pretty big.
I also have a few fun and not-so-fun updates to share, so I’ll just dive straight into it before posting a few outfits that were missed between all of my travels at the bottom of this post.

• Let’s start on a positive note. In very exciting and positive news: I bought myself something! (EEP!) I’d been eyeing a classic car for a very long time and I finally just say “screw it you only live once” and bit the bullet. She arrived a few weeks ago, in between my trips to Cabo and Japan and I’ve been having such a fun time cruising around town with her. June thinks it’s “her car” (haha). I’ll be taking more photos and video to share soon, but for right now we’re just having fun getting to know the new car! I still have my regular SUV for day to day. It’s a 1985 300TD Mercedes Benz Wagon. You might think I’m absolutely crazy and that’s okay. I know my parent's think I’m having a full blown mid-life crisis but I call it an awakening. The car isn’t for everyone, but that’s okay too. She’s for me! I love her. What can I say… after a break-up some girls get hair cuts, I bought a classic car (haha).
  
• In not so fun news: I flew home a day early from Japan because I started to feel sick on our last day. My intuition told me it wasn’t going in a positive direction so I bumped my flight early so that I could get rest and have a guarantee to see my kids. That went out the door when on my flight home my symptoms worsened and I ended up going straight from LAX to urgent care and was diagnosed with strep throat. Honestly? It was the worst flight of my life. I was in debilitating pain and felt positively awful. I spent the new few days in bed, heart-broken to see my kids after being gone. I’m definitely better, but still feeling the effects of jet lag which is making me still feel “sick” even though I’m not. It’s been a hell of a week trying to recover. Not only am I waking up at 2am with jet lag, but my kids haven’t been sleeping great this week so I’ve been up all night with them. I really hate complaining, so I haven’t posted about any of this on social media. But, in an effort to keep things “real” and “basic” with you all, there’s the truth.
  

It’s natural to get home from what is considered a “vacation” and want to dive straight back in to work and routine. The feeling that I’ve got so much to catch up on from being gone feels very real this week, but I’m also finding myself with energy that feels like it’s in quicksand. Yesterday was my 41st birthday and I was hardly able to keep my eyes open long enough to enjoy it (no room for naps with a toddler and 5 yr old). So I’m taking Friday off to rest and repair!
I somehow missed a few outfits between Easter and travels which you can find below!"

link to previous series
During the 2023 NFL season I lost a bet that resulted in me writing a paragraph about every single song Taylor Swift had ever released, all within the span of 7 days. I had a blast posting them for you and when some requested that I do the same for future albums, I wasn’t sure if I would or not. After all, I don’t listen to music in my day-to-day. That experience was a wild week to be sure, but the energy an excitement I felt when there was interest from you could easily have been a lucky spark that I can’t reproduce. Do you really want to read more of my poorly informed perspective? My takes are as lukewarm as a half-microwaved hungry man dinner, still frozen in spots and already over-burnt around the edges. Oh well – if I’m honest, I’m back and writing because I enjoyed spending the time on Taylor Swift, and I hope you’ll find some fun in the resulting nonsense I’ve written below. Enough stalling – let’s enter The Tortured Poets Department!
Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)
I always knew Taylor was a drinker. This song is so synth heavy – I mean this in a good way, it reminds me of some of the songs that were in Napoleon Dynamite. I can imagine listening to this song while driving through a city at night for sure. Lonely and melancholy but still confident, that’s how it makes me feel. I heard something about this being related to Matty Healy, who I don’t know but supposedly was a rebound fling for Taylor after breaking up with Joe? IDK the timeline well enough to comment on anything but the lyrics sure feel like a quick fling story.
The Tortured Poets Department
Hey this sounds kinda like old school Taylor to me! Like almost Debut vibes. Reminder, I’ve only heard each album once (plus TVs) so I’m doing my best to recall memories from the previous entries on this project. I really like the gentle harmonies supporting her voice. One of the fears I had after hearing the title of this album was that it’d be kind of cringe. Like, too up it’s own butt to be taken seriously. But I don’t get that from this song. I’m optimistic now that the tone will be balanced enough to avoid being out of touch. I may be particularly sensitive about that because my degree is in English composition, dual focused in essay writing and poetry. Which means that for awhile there, I was wayyyy too up my own butt about this kind of stuff.
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
Drums front and center. I hate the title of this song. I have kind of a sensitivity about things breaking, it makes me emotional. So having to hear about someone breaking things is not fun. As a result, I’m not a fan of whoever she’s singing about. 'Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me’ really sounds like she’s talking about the rebound relationship again. Like she’s in a bad relationship while she heals up and then she’ll get out of there. Yuck, I can’t vibe with this story.
Down Bad
OK I heard that opening line as ‘did you really beat me off’ and I was like, wow she really is down bad. The synth heavy sound so far has started settling into a trancelike effect. ‘They’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you’ is a little awkward as phrasing goes but it does remind me that she has to deal with the psychological trap of wanting to sing about her relationship but knowing it’ll spark discussion in the media again. ‘I might just not get up, I might just stay down bad’ is pretty solid. I also really like that she’s cursing casually in music that’s otherwise not that explicit. Culture is changing, and she’s writing the way I expect people to talk – not using curse words as some shocking thing.
So Long, London
Wasn’t there a terrible song about London on a previous album? I know Joe is British so I’m assuming this is her waving goodbye to that London chapter of her life. I’m starting to get bored of the synth sound, hoping for some relief from the numbness. Honestly it feels like the stuffy, congested feeling you get when you take cheap allergy medicine. As far as the writing goes, this blows that other London song out of the water. This is my favorite song lyrically so far. Her talking about going down with the ship and white knuckling to hold on while her friends think she should abandon ship is poignant. I guess the song was ultimately a little more driving than the last few but I’d like a mix up.
But Daddy I Love Him
Aw man, we got softer instead. At least I’m not continuing the desensitization under the synth noise. Once again I’m feeling early Taylor in this one. Ooh, the chorus picked things up. This is a good song, and I totally assumed by the title that I’d be out on it. Yeah man, put this on Fearless or Speak Now and it’d totally work. I might sound crazy but there’s been so little instrumentation on this album so far that the snare drum and guitar chords of this chorus make a big impact. I know her music is more about her voice and lyrics but sometimes I want more a more complete ensemble for her. Should we dig into the line where she lies about being pregnant? Nah, I’m already gonna be running up on the character limit! This song finishes really strong, just like the last one.
Fresh Out The Slammer
LETS GOOOO I needed this guitar. Why do I want an alt rock sound from her so bad? I would go hard on an album that drew on some Red Hot Chili Peppers or some other garage band shit. I spent this entire song fantasizing about what it’d be like to hear that and I think it would be really weird, in exactly the way I like.
Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine)
LMAO what?? My friends all smell like weed or little babies? That is an all-time Taytoo candidate. BANG BANG BANG BANG this song is unhinged. Yo this other voice is haunting. No clue who Florence is but she sure got me sitting up straight. BANG BANG BANG BANG BAG Florida is a hell of a drug! I have no idea what to do with this track but I like it. Fuck me up, Florida.
Guilty As Sin?
Well this isn’t exactly an alt rock sound but it does sound like the radio I listened to in the mid 90s when I was really young. I’ve never been into body writing but, uh, that line about writing on her upper thigh is pretty steamy. Oh damn, that line about breaking a lock and throwing her life to the wolves or the rocks is kinda hard. I wanna jam so hard right now but we are staying right outside the go zone.
Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me?
‘You don’t get to tell me about sad’ sounds like it came straight out of Rep, haha. The Speak Now vibe is still in here but it’s swimming in a more sinister tone that also has some of the depth and gentle touch of Folkmore. I’m very impressed by this track – even if it isn’t one of my favorites, I feel like I’m hearing all of Taylor here. I want to hear her yell more. It’s so funny, I hated Rep the first time and nowadays I’m like, man I wish this had more attitude. There she is talking about being drunk all the time again. There’s a drunk lore thread waiting to be exposed in her discography methinks. I think this is the closest I’ll get to a rock out number this go around.
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Ooh, this is very thematic. I grew up in the southwest and this evokes a dusty western town sound for me. Oh, yeah she really leaned into that with the saloon stuff and the pistol and everything. We’re in a western today. I’ve never personally dealt with an ‘I can fix him/her’ mentality but it sounds like a yikes. Is this about that Matty guy again?
loml
What is loml? Sounds like something an eccentric character from Gilmore Girls would name their little scraggly dog. Oh, love of my life? That makes way more sense than what I said. What a sad song. She has wanted real love over so many of these albums. ‘Get love quick scheme’ is a solid phrase. I wish I could sit around a fire with Taylor and talk about life over some cocktails. She has so many feelings I want to learn more about. Maybe that feeling is what bonds her fanbase so strongly. Oh, she said loss of her life at the end, maybe that’s what loml is.
I Can Do It With A Broken Heart
We’re threatening some electronica vibes in here. Maybe this is like a refreshed 80s sound she’s going for. YO that transition into the new beat is SICK. This is my favorite track for sure so far. Aww, and it went away just as quick as it came in. What a tease. LET ME BOP, TAYLOR. Lights/Camera/Bitch Smile is another good taytoo candidate. There’s nothing better in music than an upbeat happy sound and the vocalist talking about how depressed they are. Fun and sad is like salt in ice cream, they need each other.
The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
If I had this cd in my car I’d be hovering over the skip button for this one. Not feeling it. The melody has some strength with these low breathy notes but it isn’t enough to keep me invested. I’m bummed about it because I do enjoy a good dramatic ballad. Maybe I’m just not invested enough.
The Alchemy
We’re staying in smoky voice and alcohol for this one. ‘I circled you on a map’ is a great line. Touchdown? Cut them from the team? Ay yo is this a Travis Kelce track? If so, talking about the chemistry and ‘it’s like heroin but with an e’ is pretty exciting. Oh, trying to be the best in the league and where’s the trophy, yeah we’re in football land now. Fuck yeah, her entrance into the NFL was what brought me here and I’m so down to hear about it in her music. I listened to a lot, A LOT, of her music to get back to this point on the timeline.
Clara Bow
Not gonna lie, had to google who Clara Bow was. Breath of fresh air through the smoke rings is pretty strong wordplay. I get that this song is about dealing with being famous, but I think she has written stronger songs on the topic. Especially I Know Places, if I’m remembering it right. This is still pretty and it’s not like she can’t talk about this topic in lots of songs, it certainly must be a huge part of life for her. Hah, she changed it at the end to her name. That’s a trick I liked from her previous albums and I have definitely seen a lot of people try to look like Taylor Swift. Looking at you, QTCinderella! Jk qt is an icon in her own right. Some of you are concerned that I brought up a twitch streamer in the middle of a music review. I will move on. Watch Master Baker, it's really good. Sorry, sorry!
The Black Dog
Back to heartbreak songs, aw man. I’m sorry for being a little disappointed but I got excited about hearing a football song and I want her to be full of enthusiasm and excitement again. But we aren’t really there yet. More smoke imagery here, there’s been a lot of that. I’m going to assume Matty was a smoker. Was this intended to be the final song on the standard edition of the album, before the anthology half? Or did we already transition?
Imgonnagetyouback
This is what glam sounds like in 2024. ‘Somebody still wants me,’ that’s a complex thought that deserves to get fully unpacked. Especially in a song about trying to rekindle a relationship. That context makes that line even more interesting. Car Lore enjoyers might have caught that she referred to herself as an aston martin, which is a British luxury car. AND it crashed, and we’ve seen her beat up nice cars before. I’m on to you, Taylor. ‘Whether I’m gonna be your wife or smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet’ …I don’t know where motorcycles fit into car lore but I’m tempted to find out.
The Albatross
I found a note that several songs on this album are references to pubs in England. That explains The Black Dog from earlier. I’m not able to dig into it more deeply but it’s nice to see Taylor continuing to do stuff like that. The narrative here is dense and I can’t tell if she’s referring to herself as the dangerous albatross or someone else. This is the limitation of doing these write-ups using only my first listen, but I’m here to be honest and this one went over my head.
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
This reminds me of some of the story songs from Folkmore. The sound itself is pretty fanciful, which isn’t my jam but I can appreciate it. Not sure I have much more to say about this one. I’m in a lull here.
How Did It End?
Is this song about how her fans/media coverage was trying to figure out why she and Joe broke up? I’m gonna go with that. She surely has had to deal with people prying about all her relationships, and she’s used the topic as creative fuel for sure. Maybe it isn’t entirely about her, but inspired by how she feels when she sees speculation on why her relationship ended. ‘Sitting in a tree, d-y-i-n-g’ kicks ass as a lyric. The ‘come one come all, it’s happening again’ line really does sound like the general public seeing her break up with someone and be like, ooh showtime.
So High School
Hmm. If there’s something deeper going on here, I’m having a hard time connecting with it. Is this nostalgia for being a teenager? We’re talking about video games and being silly and young, and going to practice. Wait, is this about Travis? Like, he makes her feel like a teenager again? If so, that’s very sweet. ‘You know how to ball’ yeah I think I’m onto something there. This is definitely a tonal shift, more of a happy and carefree track.
I Hate It Here
Track 23. Phew, how did I listen to hundreds of these songs in 7 days? They’re jam packed with meaning, allusion, and storytelling, it’s like trying to eat an entire wedding cake in one sitting to hear this whole album through in one shot. ‘Only the gentle survive’ isn’t something I expected her to say about a place she hates. ‘I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine’ is a line I feel like I’ve heard in a couple songs of hers before. Oh, she’s escaping into secret gardens in her mind, maybe that’s where only the gentle survive. LOL ‘poet trapped inside a finance guy’ with that stumbling rhythm is pretty good, and is another great example of her not being full of herself with this material.
thanK you aIMee
So I heard there was a song about Kim Kardashian and I’m betting this is the one. I know basically nothing about the feud between her and Kanye/Kim but this is a very pretty song about being bigger than them. I did laugh out loud when she said my mom is really nice but she wishes you were dead, that’s very funny. Oh, she’s also saying that the feud helped her grow, that’s cool. And their world looks so small to her from where she is now. Hah!
I Look in People's Windows
Aw man. Gorgeous guitar and vocals here, I like this sound a lot. Another one that feels Folkmore-ish. Oh yeah, very Folkmore-ish. This is the best track on the album up to this point for me. ‘I’m addicted to the if only’ and talking about being on the outside looking in, and the window lore, this is dope. NO, WHY IS IT OVER SO FAST!
The Prophecy
There’s another motorcycle reference. We’re talking about being barefoot and single at home again. Jeez, Taylor, this is rough. Can somebody just be the man she needs so we can get her back into her shoes? Rhyming quicksand and blood from pricked hand is a serious lyrical flex, that was excellent. We are still in Folkmore land, too. Big fan of this one. Coven around a sorceress’ table is a cool visual. Do I hear a banjo in that bridge??
Cassandra
More storytelling. Unfortunately I’m struggling to keep up on this one and since the music isn’t rightly the focus, I’m just listening to the story and being lost.
Peter
We are in the storytelling forest now. This one I can track a little better, maybe because she repeats the hook a few times. I like the feeling she’s tugging on here, the idea of a childhood love that you think will come to fruition someday but doesn’t really exist once you’re grown. I can certainly relate to that. I was a person who wanted to grow up while being in love with someone, and while I did ultimately get that experience, it was different than I had fantasized about it being when I was young. Very nostalgic and melancholy. Did you ever promise someone that if you both turned 30 and were still single, you’d marry each other?
The Bolter
OK, did she just have a bunch of songs left over from Folklore/Evermore and want to put them here? Seriously, the second half of this album feels like the 3rd sibling. We’re literally talking about taming a bear. I guess that does kind of link back to the western song about fixing a dangerous guy, too. Taylor is good at writing songs. Leaving felt like breathing is powerful. So is feeling like falling through the ice and coming out alive. Very visceral. The chorus also sounds like young Taylor again. It really does feel like she’s so many more parts of herself nowadays.
Robin
This piano ballad feels like it’ll be a very nice slow pitch during a live show. I can see her leaning into the mic at the piano with this one. The idea that this tiger looks ridiculous but people are keeping that from him out of kindness, and they’re cheering him on, is a difficult thing to hear about. I think I relate to that and I don’t like acknowledging it, but I’m probably being silly. It’s part and parcel with taking risks and being confident, that’s just what happens sometimes. I wonder if she’s calling herself the tiger, here, and it’s an encouraging message after all.
The Manuscript
Wow, last track. Half a dozen tracks ago I was feeling fatigue but we got here fast. This is very poetic, it feels like reviewing her story in montage. Getting little vignettes that bring certain relationships to mind. Deciding to date men her own age, that reminds me of someone specific. Someone not showing up for the dance, that reminds me of someone too. She says here that the story isn’t hers anymore, because she’s made it into art and it belongs to the world now. I think that’s a very nice message to end on.
The End
I enjoyed TTPD, and though it won't make my top three of hers, it was an enjoyable listen. But I’m conflicted. It was nice to see Taylor again, and write about her again. I wanted to come back to this place and talk with you all in the comments about her art and our experiences with it. But it was a mostly sad album, and it leaves me feeling hollow about how once this thread is done, I’ll go into hibernation again. The original series of 7 days was a very special moment, and I feel blessed to get to step back into this space again so soon. For those of you who enjoy reading through these, thank you for having me again - it was a lot of fun to spend another afternoon this way. Until next time: Go! Fight! Win!

The week was a complete failure. By Thursday, I was ready to go home. I tried to save the account, but the shipper refused to negotiate. A general rate increase across the board was straight up bullshit and there weren’t enough fancy restaurants or Grizzly tickets to convince the owner otherwise.
“Are the Grizzlies going to pay my shipping costs?” he repeatedly asked. “I don’t give a damn about anything in Memphis.”
Friday morning, I woke up with little sleep and a torturous headache. The company preferred hotel smelled like mildew and bleach.
“Room 202, checking out” I exclaimed loudly.
“Ok. Hope you enjoyed your stay,” bellowed a jovial young woman.
“I didn’t. This place smells like shit and a poor attempt to clean it up.”
Her demeanor soured and she squinted her eyes in anger as she slammed my receipt down on the desk. She reached under the desk and it looked to me as if she was pushing on something.
“You’re a good candidate. I’m sure no one will miss your sorry ass.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
“Nothing,” flashing a large smile as she spoke.
I tossed my luggage in the back of the rental, got in the car, and punched my address into the phone. Arkansas to Nashville, a good three and half-hour drive.
The floodplain leading up to the Mississippi River and the bridge into Tennessee was a broad swath of yellow on either side of the highway. The floral waves were unbroken up until they approached the muddy, lifeless banks of the river.
It wasn’t long until I was on I-40 East, the last major leg of my trip home. I turned off the radio and listened to the hum of the road. I was contemplating some way to make money without working. I entertained different scenarios, some reasonable, but most were incredibly unrealistic. My fantasies always spiraled into insanity, but there was something more sinister this time. A darkness crept into my imaginary world. Reality had encroached upon my mind, prying my thoughts away from invention and upon something more absurd, something undeniably situated in existence.
There was a slow cognitive awakening that I hadn’t noticed until I concentrated on what I was perceiving. I-40 had an inordinate number of roadside memorials. Crosses and plastic flowers of every sort lined the highway. There would be a stretch of miles where there were no memorials, but then suddenly a string of twenty or so in formation, lining the road like a battlefield fence.
The exhaust brake of a diesel engine growled as a tractor trailer pulled up behind me. The truck was riding close, right on my rear, the vision of the rig encompassing the entirety of my rear-view mirror.
“Get off my ass dickwad!” I said to myself.
I pulled the car over to the slower lane, but the truck still didn’t have enough room to pass. The driver laid on his horn, making me jump in my seat. The horn blared incessantly; I could feel the anger and the impatience. If it was morse code, it was telling me to get the hell out of the way. The driver kept on honking until I pulled over onto the shoulder of the road.
I came to a complete stop and watched as the tractor-trailer passed. The tractor had a long sleeper cab attached. It was black, with dark tinted windows, and bright silver wheels. The most incomprehensible aspect though was the length of the trailer. I watched as the trailer passed by for a good ten minutes. It was as if a train was on the road. As the end of the trailer passed, I realized why it couldn’t pass. The trailer occupied not only the lane it was in, but half of the other lane.
I waited for at least ten minutes. I wanted to let that monstrosity get further down the road. I looked in my rear-view mirror to see if the road was clear and noticed the crosses behind me. I hesitated to pull out onto the road, but there was nothing to impede my progress towards home, so I forced myself to resume my journey.
I stayed in the outer most lane and drove slower than usual. I expected other cars to overtake me, but the road was desolate and forsaken. The isolation worried me. The sky grew darker with the approach of fat, indignant storm clouds.
A sudden downpour of rain bludgeoned my windshield. The wasn’t a natural crescendo from sprinkling to heavy; a river fell from the sky. My windshield wipers couldn’t move fast enough to keep my view clear. I slowed down and moved closer to the window, my chest touching the steering wheel. Up ahead in the distance I saw some red taillights.
As I got closer, I realized the headlights were not moving. They were stopped and in the middle of the interstate. It was the extraordinarily longer tractor trailer that had passed me earlier. The shoulder of the road was wide and smooth. I figured I had enough room to drive past the rig and get ahead of it. From there, I would push the accelerator to the floor and put some distance between me and the rig.
I maneuvered the car halfway onto the shoulder and blew past the end of the trailer. The rig accelerated from a dead stop and got back in front of me. It wasn’t a slow acceleration that was the norm for most tractor trailers. It shot beyond me like a drag car, but without any clumsy veering to the left or right. It was a smooth movement from nothing to eighty miles per hour.
I was staring at the back of the trailer once again. Following the rig produced an agitation in my soul. My heart rate increased and my stomach churned. I pulled off to the shoulder of the road and stopped. This time though the rig did the same. It stopped and pulled over and then drove in reverse until it was damn near on the top of my hood.
I put the car in reverse and started backing up. When I looked back from the direction I was traveling in and towards the rig I saw the door slowly rise and disappear into the top of the trailer. The curtain was drawn, the villain revealed.
There, positioned at the end of the trailer, was a spindly entity dressed in black leather. Its head was covered with a hood and its eyes concealed by thick, tinted googles. The beast was almost as tall as the trailer. It manned what looked like a gigantic harpoon gun, with a four-pronged hook.
When I saw the gun and the entity behind it, I mashed down of the accelerator. I turned and concentrated on the road behind me. I didn’t know how fast I was going, but I knew I had to get as far away as possible. I felt a sudden jolt and heard a clanging and the release of steam and fluid. I looked bac to see that the rig had backed up with the same amount of speed. The harpoon had been shot. My car was tethered to a thick chain and I was being reeled in towards the trailer. The engine died and the dash lights flickered off. I was caught. The rig immediately reversed its direction and began dragging me along, while slowly pulling me inside the trailer.
A ramp extended from the back of the trailer; sparks flew as it touched the moving road. The front wheels of my car ascended the ramp. I looked around for a weapon. We were going too fast for me to bail. I had no choice; I had to fight, but there was nothing in the car that would suffice as a weapon. As my car was pulled into the trailer, the beast and his gun moved further into the trailer, as if on a track. When the car was completely in the trailer, the trailer door slammed shut. I was in utter darkness.
I could hear the beast in the dark. It was making a sound, both a clicking and a growling. A flood of light came on, bright fluorescent lights lined the length of the trailer. The trailer was so long that I couldn’t see the end of it. Hanging on the trailer walls were saws, needles, and other such surgical instruments. The beast lumbered off from its gun towards the front of the trailer.
I once again searched the car for a suitable weapon before I realized the stupidity of my actions. On the walls of the trailer were hanging an assortment of weapons. I preferred a gun, but if hand-to-hand combat was the only thing available to me, then that was better than nothing.
I opened the door of the car and got out. I surveyed the instruments before me. They neatly hung on the walls, with labels above them, wording in a script I did not recognize. Further down the trailer, I saw a long pike with a sharp point. I figured this would be the best bet, since the beast and his supposed cohorts were so tall.
I took the pike down off the wall. As soon as I did, the lights shut off. Once again, I was in darkness. I was at a standstill. I didn’t know if I should make my way back to the car and wait, make my stand there, or get to the cab and surprise my abductors. After much deliberation, I decided to crawl up to the cab and fight. There wasn’t any escape. I figured if I fight, I’d either win or they would be forced to kill me quickly. I sure as hell didn’t want to be an experiment with a drawn-out, extended amount of suffering. I needed a victory or a quick death.
I got down on my hands and knees and began crawling, hugging the side of the trailer, dragging the pike as I went. The further I got, the worse the inside of the trailer smelled. It felt as if I crawled for more than an hour before I bumped into the nose of the trailer. I could hear a strange alien language from the other side of the wall. I would wait in ambush. In time, they would come for me.
But they never came. I waited for an extended amount of time. I lost patience. I reached up and felt around for some sort of handle. There had to be an entrance from the trailer to the cab. I didn’t hear anything, a presence, or any kind of movement, as I was moving through the trailer that would have indicated the creature was still in the trailer. I didn’t find a handle, but I did feel a large smooth button. I pushed it and the lights came on.
Instead of tools hanging on the wall, now there were animals or beings of all sorts pinned to the walls with large bronze spikes. Their abdomens were split open to reveal a diverse assortment of entrails and organs, some human, but most from species not endemic to Earth. It looked like a macabre collection of beings for an aspiring universe-travelling naturalist, a glass case of classified dead beings, a taxonomy of murder.
The light must have alerted the creatures to my close proximity, because within a short time of me turning on the lights, a door opened. The tall leather-bound creature bent through the door. Instinctively, I thrust the pike into its neck. It screeched and grabbed at its neck. I pulled the pike out and then shoved it into its abdomen. It fell to the ground, writhed and squirmed, and then suddenly went stiff- an instant rigor mortis.
From the cab I heard a babbling of nervousness, the driver speaking in an unknown language, but the inflection unmistakenly communicating fear. The creature in the driver seat was exposed, not dressed in any clothing. It had a demonic human face, with fangs and large red eyes, but its body was insect like, with a bulbous, green thorax and a small red abdomen. It had six appendages, the upper most have human-like hands. The creature was a hybrid of human and insect.
It slammed its deformed hand against a button on the dash. Through the windshield I could see a spinning vortex open up and reveal an alien world just on the other side. The creature reached back and tried to push the door shut. Before it could do that, I shoved the pike into its deformed face. The creature grabbed the shaft of the pike and tried to pull it out, but as it exerted more effort, the quicker it died. It slumped in its seat and its arms fell from the pike.
Time slowed; the rig was caught in a force field. I made my way to the front of the cab. I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds, barely able to pick up my feet. With excruciating pain, I worked against the exponentially growing force of gravity to get to the passenger door. I pulled the door handle with both hands, and pushed the door open. I moved in slow-motion, the rig gaining precipitously close to the vortex. Finally, I pushed my head and shoulder beyond the door. I felt a release as if I was trapped in quicksand. Time resumed its normal pace. I jumped as far as I could from the cab to the grass on the side of the road.
I landed on my side, bounced and rolled. I felt a jolting, sharp pain in my ribs. I watched as the truck and trailer slowly disappeared into the vortex. I closed my eyes and rested for a while. The rain began falling again, but this time it was a comfortable, soothing mist. I finally stood up and started walking, hoping for the first time in my life that I could hitchhike and catch a ride to the nearest hotel. I promised myself that I would be nice to the receptionist, exceptionally nice.

If you are part of the party about to do this, stop reading now, especially not the spoiler parts.
My party is (for varying reasons) going to work together to break into the/a vault of Mammon in the third level of Hell. I have no plans of them meeting Mammon himself while there, but the lord of all greed would certainly have guards, traps, and other deterrents against thieves.
The items they are (maybe unwittingly) looking to steal are: The Eye and Hand of Vecna , A Legendary Greatsword from a previous campaign, and several other magic items.
The party will have some assistance getting in (and maybe out) by a friendly devil who is secretly Asmodeus in disguise.
I'm wondering what kind of encounters and challenges I could pit against them. It would be interesting to include some puzzles too. Any less vague "help" from their devil friend would be good too.
So far I've had the idea of golems made of gold that come to life to fight, and a "quicksand pit" of gold coins.
They are level 8, but have the magic items and builds to punch above their weight, and the wherewithal to run or stealth from dangerous enemies.

If you are part of the party about to do this, stop reading now, especially not the spoiler parts.
My party is (for varying reasons) going to work together to break into the/a vault of Mammon in the third level of Hell. I have no plans of them meeting Mammon himself while there, but the lord of all greed would certainly have guards, traps, and other deterrents against thieves.
The items they are (maybe unwittingly) looking to steal are: The Eye and Hand of Vecna , A Legendary Greatsword from a previous campaign, and several other magic items.
The party will have some assistance getting in (and maybe out) by a friendly devil who is secretly Asmodeus in disguise.
I'm wondering what kind of encounters and challenges I could pit against them. It would be interesting to include some puzzles too. Any less vague "help" from their devil friend would be good too.
So far I've had the idea of golems made of gold that come to life to fight, and a "quicksand pit" of gold coins.
They are level 8, but have the magic items and builds to punch above their weight, and the wherewithal to run or stealth from dangerous enemies.