My mom's first husband died, paguwi ko sa bahay 2/4 of half siblings tahimik (the other 2 were busy umiyak sa morgue) I thought sad kasi nga they've lost their father yun pala gumagawa reels. Our gc was flooded ng vids and pics nilang umiiyak (gets ko naman for memories) pero mas nakakainis is sinabi pa ng Kuya ko dun sa isa pa nilang kapatid na nasa malayo "share mo nalang yung post ko, para makapag paalam ka kay Papa" "share nyo post ko"
Samantalang nung buhay pa, nagaaway away sila kung sino mag aalaga.
People are hypocrite. Cringe 😶

This story was originally written July 2023.
You might have heard of me. I was a social media influencer for two years.
I know kids have “influencer” as one of their top professions these days, but for me it was all an accident, really. I uploaded a few YouTube videos back in 2019, in the summer I finished school. All I did was rant about movies. I had a few notes, not a full script, and just spouted off to my laptop camera about inaccurate science, bad casting choices, real nitpicky stuff. In about six months I’d got 200 subscribers.
I was at university then, and I mentioned my videos to some of my uni friends. They subbed and told their friends, and I got up to 1,000 sub by January 2020. My videos were only about ten minutes long, and I had nowhere near the views to monetise. I was making one a week, but not on any sort of schedule. It was just something I did when I was bored.
Then the pandemic hit. A lot of students here in England basically got locked into their halls of residence (that’s dorms for any Americans reading), but I was lucky enough to get back to my parents’ before then. So I was doing what my uni laughably called “remote learning”, which basically meant a couple of video lectures a week, some worksheets, and lots and lots of my own research. I won’t bore you with the topic of my course; it’s not relevant.
I’m not exactly stereotypically pretty. I’ve come to accept that. My hair is stringy, my nose is too big, my face is profoundly asymmetrical, my complexion is strange and acned, my teeth are crooked … You get the idea. You can only do so much with makeup and hair that covers your face. I probably have fewer friends than I would if I looked like other people, and it actually took a lot of courage to make that first video - and even more courage to upload it.
I can only assume that’s the reason I went viral. It certainly wasn’t the high production values, or the tightly-written scripts, or the quality of my research. On the 9th of April I had 1,322 subscribers. On the 10th it was over 8,000. By the end of April it was up to 300,000, and I had actually monetised my channel.
The comments were … well, they were varied. Lots of hate because of my looks, but lots of love from people who just appreciated what I put out there, calling out others for their negative comments. I know many social media stars struggle with unkind comments, but I’d got used to it. Let’s be honest, they weren’t nice, but neither were they untrue. And comments under your video are easier to ignore than comments in the street. I was making decent money after all. If you were one of those commenters, you know which side you were on, and I love you either way. Thanks for the engagement - it’s not easy to gain financially from your unusual appearance!
The trouble with going viral is that it doesn’t last. Competing in the fast-paced world of internet stardom takes a lot of effort. I started experimenting with other things - YouTube shorts, TikTok, Instagram, pretty much anything going. The format that turned out to work best was actually TikTok. I’d bought some skimpy outfits and did ridiculous little dances. I quickly reached over a thousand views per video, and while I wasn’t up to their creator tier, it still worked. A well-known cosmetics company asked to sponsor my videos.
Cosmetics! Me! I guess they were going for woke points or something. I didn’t care, they offered me more money than I knew what to do with, as long as my views stayed high. So I started making 2-minute videos. A dance without make-up, then I applied the make-up - being sure to show the brand name clear and up-close - and then the same dance with make-up. If this is ringing any bells with you, then yes - that was me. And no, stupid - that’s not my real name.
I’d got used to undesired attention of course. Along with the unpleasant comments, I got my fair share of unwelcome male approaches. For a few hours after any upload, about half of my DMs were from men, and some women (or men with female account names), asking to see more of me. I wasn’t a camgirl, though I suppose I wasn’t a million miles away from one; but I could have been. I did seriously consider it a few times, but never actually followed through.
And half of the rest of my DMs, and a good portion of the public comments, were from angry women. What made me think I had the right to show off like that? How could I bring their favourite cosmetics brand into disrepute? But I’ve got pretty thick skin (hey, I can make that joke, you can’t), and mostly laughed the comments off and ignored them.
That was, in hindsight, a mistake.
By September my uni was reopening for in-person teaching. I was working six or seven hours a day just to keep up with everything, and had a couple more brands sponsoring me. Being an influencer isn’t just about filming for ten minutes a day and watching the money come in!
So I was going to tutorials an hour a day, watching video lectures at 2x speed, and ignoring my assignments in favour of making videos and replying to messages. It’s not like my pointless degree was helping with my real job.
Okay fine. It was geology. Rocks and stuff. You happy now? I bet you can’t tell the difference between sylvite and carnallite just by licking it, can you?
Anyway, the point is I came close to being chucked out. Actually I had to repeat the second year. At least I could afford it.
So anyway, I somehow got through to the end of my second year, the end of my second year again, and part way through my third year. I was passing my exams - just - and through several reinventions I had managed to maintain my social influencer role. Last Autumn I was getting some good views, and cash, back on YouTube. I was getting pretty good at make-up (I had an exclusive deal with one company on TikTok, and another deal with a different cosmetics company on YouTube). The videos that did well then were me with experimental hairstyles and not much in the way of clothes, putting on makeup for a few minutes, then reading out-of-copyright fiction in my patented “YouTube voice”. If you can imagine a cross between Shania Twain and Marge Simpson then… well, then you’re weird, but you’ve pretty much got it.
Then, last December, a week or so before the Christmas holidays, I went out with my friends. I had made a decent number, both girls and guys, by then. I could never quite tell whether it was my personality (which I assure you is fantastic), my influencer status, or the cash I was liberal with (it always seemed to be my round, and I didn’t mind). There were even a couple of boys who were keen on me, though I hadn’t done anything about it yet. Eight of us went out together to celebrate a birthday. It wasn’t actually anybody’s birthday that day, but Shireen had a Christmas Day birthday, and she wanted a proper party.
Now I look quite different in real life than I do online. I think the technical term is “frumpy” - jeans, trainers, fluffy jumper and a hat, or maybe a hoodie. The birthday girl had somehow convinced me to put a bit more effort in, and had helped me pick out some heels and a knee-length silver dress. Make-up was easy for me of course, and so I got dressed up and off we went to the Black Swan.
The Black Swan has several great qualities about it. One: it’s cheap. Two: it does good food. Three: it’s a couple of hundred metres from The Bar. We had a decent meal, a few drinks, and around 9 we walked to The Bar.
To be more precise, they walked. I wobbled. If you’ve watched my videos you might have seen me in heels, but did you ever see me walk in them? Didn’t think so.
The Bar is open til 3 in the morning. It looks respectable enough from the outside, especially in the afternoon; but after about 11, when most pubs close, it fills up with students drinking expensive-looking drinks. And almost every night, somebody jumps up onto a table, and then everybody’s up there dancing. In The Bar, either you hold your drink tightly, or you lose it.
I’d done this before, and I can handle my alcohol. I’ve stayed at The Bar till chuckout more than a few times, and I’ve been wobbly on the way home, but I’ve never thrown up or passed out. And so I was surprised when I woke up. The last thing I remembered was Stu saying he was tired, and Shireen replying that it wasn’t even midnight yet. Now I was lying on the hard wooden floor of my living room.
My head pounded. Daylight streamed through the window, and I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes. My hands were wet and sticky.
I looked at them. They were covered in blood.
I looked down. My heels were across the room, but I was still wearing my dress. It, also, was covered in blood, a huge stain across the chest.
Panic set in. What happened to me last night? I checked myself out and could find no injuries. Where did the blood come from?
Standing up, I realised it was worse than that. Red pools stained the wooden floor. I don’t know much medicine, but if somebody had lost this much blood, I couldn’t see how they could have survived.
I stood up, unsure whether my shaking was from the shock or the alcohol. This was when I saw a shirt on the floor behind me. White, with a subtle pattern. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that it wasn’t my shirt. I lived alone, and rarely invited people back to my flat. I looked around some more. A pair of men’s black leather shoes by the door. And then I saw it.
I suppose, rather, I should say him. He was naked except for a pair of dark blue jeans, slumped in the open doorway to the kitchen, covered in blood, and very, very, dead.
I panicked then. I’m calmer now, so let’s take a moment to describe my conclusions that morning. I had got very drunk. I had met a guy. We’d come back to my flat. We’d been getting naked (the shoes and shirt weren’t bloodied). Then, for some reason, we’d had an argument or a fight. The body had stab wounds in the chest, and a pool of blood had congealed onto the wooden floor of the living room and the linoleum of the kitchen where the man collapsed. How did those stab wounds get there? I didn’t know for sure, but a quick glance at my kitchen counter showed that my sharp carving knife was missing. It was all coming together. I didn’t know if he had picked up the knife, or if I had; I didn’t know why either of us would do that. I didn’t even know his name, and later when I checked his pockets, I couldn’t find any ID.
There was a lot I didn’t know. But I’m smart. So once I was done crying on the floor (I think it was about two hours), I came up with a plan. This man was dead, and I couldn’t do anything about that. But what would the consequences be? There’s no need for my life to be ruined as well. I decided not to call the police. People go missing mysteriously all the time, he can just be another statistic and I’ll get on with my life.
The blood on Dave was mostly dry by now. (Sure, I didn’t know his name, but every bloke’s called Dave, right?) So I put a badly-fitting vest on him to soak up the remaining blood, and his shirt over the top, along with his shoes. His jeans were bloody, but they were dark, so hopefully it wouldn’t show up in low light. I couldn’t find his coat, which was odd given how cold it was, but this would have to do. I put my dress and heels in a plastic bag, and grabbed a spade that I never used. Had I missed anything?
The knife. The fucking knife. I searched all over for it, but by the time it got dark I still hadn’t found it. I knew I couldn’t delay for long, so I figured it was best to deal with Dave now, and find the knife later.
Eight o’clock in the evening came. I’m lucky I have parking right outside my house, no street cameras, and a ground-floor flat. I put the bag in the boot of my car and came back for the body.
Have you ever tried to move a dead person? It’s not easy, and I’m not exactly strong. I put my arm around his waist and eventually managed to heave him almost upright. “Come on Dave, that’s it. We’re gonna get you home. Maybe calm down on the tequila next time right? Try to keep it in, and don’t you dare vomit in my car, you sexy bastard.”
Oh come on, what do you want from me? I’m an influencer, not a stand-up comedian. And anyway, I don’t think anybody saw me during the several minutes it took to drag Dave to the passenger seat. I really wish I’d got round to buying a bigger car than the Fiat Punto I’d had since I was 18, but it was too late for that now.
There’s a place about an hour’s drive from me called Epping Forest. The Heritage Trust reckon it’s most famous for its huge tracts of unspoiled wildlife, thousands of trees, and Iron Age settlements. But around here it’s best known as the place where murderers and gang members bury bodies. So off I trundled in my 1.2 litre pensioner-mobile. I arrived around 9:30, checked Google Maps, and drove offroad into the woods.
Do you know how long it takes to dig a grave? The answer is: a long time! By dawn I’d only managed a hole about two feet. Oh, and it was my third try, because the first two times I found too much rock. Well, it would have to do. In went Dave, and I shovelled the ground back over him. I thought I could put my clothes in with him, but it was a shallow grave, and when the inevitable dog-walker finds it I didn’t want them linked back to me. I mean, there’s my DNA in there for sure, but let’s not make it too easy for them, right? So I chucked the spade in a river, and the clothes went back home with me, including the vest I’d lent him.
Now in England we have a thing called ANPR everywhere. The police can just type in a car registration and see exactly where it’s been from traffic cameras. I needed an alibi. Why had I gone to Epping Forest? For a hike of course! So I walked around for a few hours, got breakfast at a pub, and told the staff about all the wacky adventures I’d had that night. And while I was there, for the first time in a good long time, I checked my phone.
Hundreds of messages, of course. But only one sent a shiver down my spine.
Jolly_Gal_56234
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID
My heart thumped. My ears started ringing. I felt dizzy, nearly passed out. How could anybody know?
Of course nobody knew. I actually got messages like this fairly often. Just some idiot trying to wind people up. They’d probably sent a dozen messages just like it, to random people, and I just blocked her. Still it rattled me. I finished my breakfast, paid up, walked back to my car, and drove home.
My flat was just as I left it. Dave was gone, but his blood was still there. I scrubbed the floor for hours, and it helped a bit, but you could still see the stains. Exhausted, I showered and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up. I hadn’t posted anything for a day and a half, so I needed to do something about that. Scrolling through my messages, one stood out like a police light.
Jolly_Gal_28473
YOU’VE BEEN A BAD GIRL 🔪
Shit. SHIT! What the fuck is going on? I stared at my phone, paralysed with indecision. When I finally snapped out of it I made sure the door was locked, and tried to come up with a plan.
I had no idea who was sending these. Maybe they didn’t really know anything. You send stupid messages like that to hundreds of people, you’re gonna come across one who’s actually done something bad, right? I poured myself a big glass of gin, decided that nobody could know anything, and made a video.
Remember that one where I didn’t speak at all, just danced for three minutes dressed like 90s Britney to 70s disco music, titled “HANGOVER DANCE”? Yeah, that’s the one. I didn’t trust myself to speak without breaking, but I could dance about as well as I ever could.
The rest of the day I answered messages, emailed my sponsors, and considered getting an agent. It’s still just me doing everything, and that Sunday afternoon, I really didn’t want to. I also spent a few hours scrubbing the wooden floor with baking soda and vinegar, and looking for the knife.
I kept getting messages from Jolly_Gal. It didn’t matter how much I blocked her, she just popped up again the next day with different numbers at the end of her username. Always all-caps, just a single sentence.
YOU DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU’LL GET WHAT’S COMING TO YOU
OWN UP
DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT
Exactly one message a day, but always at different times. I decided it was a bot, and it was just coincidence that it started when it did. Until Christmas Day.
I’d been back at my parents’ for a few days, and endured the usual conversations about what I was going to do for a “proper job” after uni. They’re great, and really supportive. They’ve just never understood what an “influencer” really is, and that “playing on my phone” for six hours a day counts as work. My brother Rich gets it, but the rest of my family is honestly baffled.
Anyway, Christmas morning comes. All four of us were in the house together (my brother’s 17 so he still lives there), and we gathered together in the living room opening presents. It was a couple of weeks since the incident, and I still had nightmares every night, and those sudden panic attacks - you know, when you’re sure you’re going to be found out - but I was getting used to it. It had happened, I couldn’t change it, and I’d have to keep it secret for the rest of my life; but it was becoming a sort of background hum. I don’t know if that’s too quick, but I suppose I’ve learned to handle difficulty in my life.
Until we finished opening presents and I checked my phone.
Jolly_Gal_814385
HAPPY CHRISTMAS
And underneath, a photo of my kitchen knife, stained with blood.
I ran out of the house in tears.
Rich found me, sitting on the wooden bridge down the road from the house, my legs dangling over the river. I came here a lot when I was a teenager, so it was the first place he looked. I’d left my phone on the living room floor, and the three of them had seen the message, so he knew what triggered me. He just didn’t know the full story.
Well, I told him. I mean, not everything, obviously. But I told him how this person had been harassing me for weeks. He listened sympathetically, like he’s always done, and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I didn’t say anything; I just turned around, hugged him, and cried into his Christmas sweater.
After about half an hour we went back to the house. Rich explained things to my parents, thank goodness. I don’t think I could have handled it.
The rest of the holiday was … okay, I guess. More messages from Jolly_Gal, but only text. I made videos most days, and met all two of my old schoolfriends for drinks, movies and shopping. They’re big fans of my channels. I even took Rich out for drinks one evening, though it took us four pubs to find somewhere that wouldn’t ID him. He’s a bit of a babyface.
I did all I could not to think about Dave. I put him to the back of my mind, letting him live in the shed at the bottom of the garden of my psyche where he couldn’t disturb me. I guess that’s why it came as a shock to me, when I packed my stuff into the boot of my car to head back to uni.
There was one suitcase I’d packed but hadn’t got round to taking into the house. And peeking around the edge was that plastic bag. I’d forgotten to get rid of it!
Dad was helping me load the car, so I couldn’t do anything about it. I tucked it out of sight, finished loading up, said goodbye, and drove back to uni. It was dark when I got back, so I unpacked everything else, triple-bagged my bloody clothes, left my phone at home (no tracking me!), and walked two miles to drop them into somebody else’s wheelie bin.
The next morning I checked my messages.
Jolly_Gal_12592
WELCOME HOME
And a photo of me dumping the bag the night before.
You know what? This didn’t bother me. I mean, it did bother me, but not as much as I guess Jolly_Gal hoped. I’ve been bullied and harassed most of my life, and I’ve got pretty good at ignoring it. Sure, it was an escalation - she was actually following me - but it was just one of almost thirty messages. Jolly_Gal was hoping to destroy me. Instead, she hardened my resolve.
Clearly she had enough evidence to go to the police, but she hadn’t. And obviously she lived nearby. Now I’m no hacker, but you don’t do a job like mine without learning your way around technology. So I started sleuthing. I hadn’t bothered blocking her after the third or fourth message, so I made a list of all the messages, including timecodes. I’ve got a geology degree (almost), and we have techniques to analyse rock strata. Finally I had a genuine use for all that studying I sort of did!
Jolly_Gal was not as clever as she thought. She’d got sloppy. About half of her messages were sent at strange hours, on the hour. These were presumably posted by her bot. But the other messages were all sent between 7 and 8 am, or between 6 and 10 pm. So I guessed that she has a normal 9-5 day job, or maybe she’s a student.
Next I searched all the social media sites I could think of for Jolly_Gal or JollyGal usernames. There are a few, so please don’t go harassing people with that username! I don’t want innocent people to get hurt. After a few hours I had profiles of all Jolly_Gals. Pictures, locations, partial travel history, even birthdays for some of them. I discounted those who clearly weren’t in England, but I still had too many to narrow it down. The photos had no EXIF data so I couldn’t tell the type of phone or camera they used.
So my days became something like this: Five hours doing uni stuff, five hours working on my socials, and an hour or two learning digital sleuthing. I still went out with my friends sometimes, but made sure not to drink too much. I know how to have a good time without being drunk!
The breakthrough came by total chance. I rarely read the local papers, and just got lucky one afternoon in March. I was waiting for a friend in the pub after lectures, and there was a copy of the Post somebody had left on a table. So I flicked through it. The local council was rubbish at doing traffic. Some group of OAPS was organising a May Day celebration. And a woman had been convicted of body-snatching.
I recognised her! There was a photo of a woman in her early twenties. She’d been arrested when a corpse went missing back in December, and they’d seen her take it on the morgue’s CCTV. She’d been released on bail. “Prevention of the lawful and decent burial of a dead body” is a rare crime these days, so she hadn’t been sentenced yet; instead she was released until her sentencing, expected to be in August. Her name was Jenny Smith, which is so common as to be almost useless - that is, if you don’t have a profile of her on your laptop at home!
The report also gave her address. So I started hatching a plan. I texted my friend that I wouldn’t make it, and went home.
Jolly_Gal, or rather, Jenny, lived near me, and actually went to the same university. She had accounts on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, and a few others. Of course you can’t get Jolly_Gal by itself these days, but my profile gave all her precise usernames. I spent my evening watching her videos and reading her tweets. And then I found the smoking gun.
Jenny had posted a video on TikTok last June bitching about me. She’s way prettier than me, and yet I’d got all the subs and follows. She deserved all those sponsorship deals. It wasn’t fair that I had hundreds of thousands of subs and she only had a few thousand. She even said I was ugly and deserved to die.
Well, she got one out of two right, I guess. You can decide which one.
It all started to slot into place. Jenny was absurdly jealous of me, so she’d hatched a plan to destroy me. She must have roofied me in The Bar, got me and Dave back to my place, stabbed him, poured blood everywhere, and taken the knife home. I mean, I don’t know anything about forensic science, and I was drugged and panicked when I woke up that morning. I’d have no way of knowing that Dave had died days before he ended up in my flat!
I’d never managed to get all the blood out of the wooden flooring, and ended up putting a really misplaced rug over it. I chiselled off a sample and gave it to one of my friends who was doing a PhD in biology. It took a bit of persuading, but he ran an analysis on it.
It was pig’s blood.
Fuck Jenny. She’s not Jenny, or Jolly_Gal, she’s fucking Carrie!
She planned to destroy me. She ruined my mental health, she framed me for murder. All because I was more popular on TikTok than she was. Well, two can play at that game. I didn’t deserve what Jenny did to me. She did.
I thought about this all night, coming up with plan after plan, weighing them in my head. I wanted two things: to destroy Jenny, and to feel good about it for myself. Finally I had a course of action I’m actually rather proud of.
I decided to start slow. I did something anybody could have done - I mocked up a poster. At the top was “Jenny Smith - body snatcher!”. Underneath were two pictures, her Insta profile pic and the courthouse photo from the paper, and between them: “From This … To This!” And all her various social media handles to top it off. I printed hundreds of these, and pinned them all around the university and her street.
I’ve never thought of myself as an unkind person - God knows I’ve suffered enough myself to be sympathetic to others. But I’m willing to admit I felt a lot of satisfaction seeing her comments fill up with accusations and links to the online article. Jenny carried on making videos, but I could tell she was suffering. Good!
That was stage one. I had to up the ante for stage two. Jenny had covered me and my flat with pig’s blood, so I think we all know what’s coming next.
I pondered for a long time whether I should do it in the day or the night. But you know what they say - go big or go home. I scoped out her house for a while, and found out that she leaves her kitchen window, at the back of the house, open. Now I’m not the most athletic girl in the world, but I can be pretty determined when I want to be. So one night around 2 am I walked to her house - it’s only about half a mile - and climbed through the window.
I almost gave myself a heart attack when I knocked a glass over on the kitchen sink! Luckily it didn’t smash. I hid in a corner and waited for a full half hour before I decided Jenny hadn’t heard me. Then I snuck upstairs, slow as anything, and crept into her room.
Actually, the first room wasn’t hers. She shared with a couple of other students. Thank fuck I checked first! The second room was the right one. She was asleep, alone, in a double bed. I was so quiet that the only thing I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest as I opened my canvas bag, gently deposited its contents onto the pillow next to her, and took a photo. It didn’t come out that well - I couldn’t use the flash - but hey, I have a souvenir!
I really wish I’d seen her face when she woke up the next morning, staring at a pig’s head. She didn’t post on her socials for a week after that, and for two days she even forgot to send me a threatening message.
I’m sorry? You think I’m done? Oh, my sweet summer child. I’ve barely begun.
Jenny had a boyfriend, Abdul. I made sure he wasn’t around when I broke in, but stage three involved him in a big way.
Abdul was also at our university, a year younger than me, a year older than Jenny. He wasn’t very active on social media, but he did tend to broadcast his activity on Twitter. And what do you know? He’s also a fan of The Bar. So I spent the next month planning my move. I bought a new clubbing dress and heels - hey, I kinda missed that outfit! - and asked around for the other thing I needed. Some things you can’t just buy in Next, or a local butcher’s, but eventually I managed it.
I got my chance one Friday in May. Abdul had loudly announced on Twitter that he was excited for his boys’ night out in The Bar, and Jenny had been gushing about a girls’ night on the whole other side of town. Perfect. I spent hours on my makeup, and got to The Bar around ten. Abdul and his mates were having a drinking contest, and leching up at the girls dancing on the tables.
I figured I had a good long while before he would be ready, so I had a couple of drinks - not too much, but like I said I can handle myself, and I knew Jenny wasn’t around - and got up on the tables myself for a bit. Then about midnight Abdul’s friend got another round in, while Abdul was in the loo. This was my chance. I walked up to their table - which had no dancing feet on it, but a heck of a lot of spilled beer - and started talking to them, saying I thought their friend was hot.
“Uh, what the fuck?” “Not a chance in hell.” “Get lost, freak!”
Lovely chaps. But they were too far gone to notice me dropping something into Abdul’s double-whiskey-and-coke. For all I know, it’s the exact same thing Jenny used on me all those months ago.
Abdul came back and downed his whiskey in one gulp. I was worried he was going to vomit it up, but he held it in and blamed his difficulty on the coke fizz. Yeah mate, sure, sure.
Not too long after, he started to fade. His friends were really taking the piss out of him for being such a lightweight. Well, when I came over, the pisstaking just got worse. I introduced myself (with a fake name, duh) and told him he was hot. Believe it or not, it was only about twenty seconds before he put his tongue down my throat. Wow, I’m not sure I even needed to bother with the roofie!
His friends, who had been so intent on being mean to me, now turned their attention to him. I suggested we ditch them and go back to his place (I’d checked, it was only five minutes’ walk sober) - and off we went.
That was the first time I had sex. I’m sure I don’t need to go into details, but we did a lot of stuff, and I enjoyed it. I’m not sure if that’s because it was good, or because he was good, or because I knew what it was all for. I was impressed that he managed to keep going as long as he did in his state, but I do feel a bit sorry for him; from his Twitter he seems like a decent guy.
When he finally fell asleep I left. I’d got what I came for - pictures. And the next day I made a new account and sent a DM to Jenny.
At first I blurred my face, or chose shots that didn’t include it. A bit of editing and I could have been anybody. I watched their messy breakup on Twitter, Jenny hurling accusations, Abdul protesting his innocence. I know this is the age of social media, but I never understood why people play these things out in public.
And then, after posting a picture a day for a few weeks (I’d taken a lot of pictures), I sent one that showed my face clearly.
Jenny had managed to restrain herself from replying before, but now she knew who I was. She was furious! The very idea that her boyfriend had cheated on her with ME, of all people, was unbelievable. And this was exactly the outcome I’d been going for.
Jolly_Gal was broken. She’d ruined her reputation. She’d lost her boyfriend. She had nightmares about pigs (okay, so I don’t know that for certain, but in my imagination she woke up screaming every night). She was possibly going to prison. And now she knew that not only was I more successful than her as an influencer, but I was the one to steal her lover. She still sent messages, at first angry, but they soon degenerated into pleading. “Please stop.” “I’m sorry.” “We can work this out.” Jolly_Gal without CAPS LOCK, it was glorious to see.
In fact it was almost perfect. Three stages of my plan were complete, and only one remained. Jenny’s sentencing was in three weeks, so I had to move quickly.
She had two flatmates, so I needed to work around them. They weren’t particularly active on Twitter, but Jenny was. I knew from her tweets that while her flatmates had gone home, she was staying on a couple of weeks after the end of term. She didn’t say why publicly, but it was for her trial. No flatmates, no boyfriend. Now was the time.
And that brings us up to date. I’ve typed this up over the last few days, and saved as a draft. The final chapter, hopefully, comes tonight.
*******
I’m at Jenny’s house, and I’ve just called the police.
I turned up at Jenny’s door just after seven. Luck was with me - she’d tweeted that she was expecting a Deliveroo takeout. And I got there first.
The idiot actually kept the knife. I’d seen it when I was in her room. When she answered the doorbell, expecting food, and saw me - ah, the look on her face was priceless.
“I’m so sorry! Please, let’s just talk. I didn’t mean it to get this -”
I stalked towards her, anger in my face. Jenny fled upstairs. Perfect! She went into her room and shut the door, but I was like the furies of Greek legend. I smashed the door in, and looked on as Jenny cowered on her bed.
In full daylight, I saw the knife took pride of place in what looked like a shrine. She had photos of me printed out, and she’d written on them “BITCH”, “WHORE”, “FREAK” and all sorts of other hateful words.
Jenny had tried to make me into a murderer, so I gave her what she wanted. I grabbed the knife and stood over her. The coward shrank into the bed, begging for forgiveness, pleading for her life. Unfortunately for her I was not inclined to oblige. I plunged the knife into her chest, just as she had done to Dave all those many months ago. Jenny whimpered like a whipped dog, and after the ninth stab (yes, I counted), she stopped.
The police are on their way. I’m definitely going to jail after this. But Jenny got what was coming to her. We could both have lived happily, but Jenny chose otherwise.
And me? I passed my degree. I have friends. And jail or not, I have a life.
Burn in hell, Jolly_Gal.

So I’m going to the city morgue show in Prague on July 6th and I just had a couple questions since this is my first time.

• Does anyone know when the show in Prague starts?
• Would it be a wise idea to bring in a camera to get a couple pics?
• Any tips or things I need to know before hand?

Thanks!

i want some old rare pics of 69 for my city morgue and 69 fanpage

I will keep this as short as possible but since it’s a long story,some facts matter.
I (F45) chose to have a child through a donor at 37. I had no steady relationship,but also had gone through a procedure that took part of my cervix,2 years prior. (Pre-stage cervical cancer)
In always was sure I wanted a child and spoke to my OBGYN,after my diagnosis,they said;If you would have come a year later,you wouldn’t have made it. So I was super blessed to be able to get surgery on time AND still be able to have a child.
So after the procedure,I moved ahead and asked a good friend of mine if he wanted to be the donor. He agreed,we spoke about terms(basically my child is mine,he is not on the birth certificate and he doesn’t pay for anything,which we agreed to and I am completely fine with that)
When I told my father I was pregnant,he said it was bizar,insane and told me not to expect me to help out or babysit.
I was devastated about the fact that he thought it was bizar his 37 yo daughter choose a path that makes her happy. I never asked,or expected him to pay for anything,or babysit at all. And to this day, I never did!!!
It is important to mention,that upon the day I told him I was pregnant,we had a fairly okay relationship. Or so I thought. (Some background;my mom passed away October 12th ,a couple of moons ago.But after 3 weeks,my “dad”, told me he had a new girlfriend and he wanted her to attend Christmas with us.I wasn’t ready to have a new woman in the place of my mom,after so little weeks. I told him I was happy for him,but I would need a bit more time to process He wasn’t happy with that and begrudgingly said;FINE,but you will meet her at my birthday,which was a month later.
I did go to the event,because I was trying to be supportive.
Now,here comes the part where I might be the AH! Shit hit the fence,almost 3 years ago. My “father” hasn’t spoken to my brother for 13 years (and my brother tried so many times to make amends) but one day ,I got a call from the police,stating…”your brother isn’t doing so well”
They didn’t want to tell me over the phone he passed away,but I knew,so I pressed for answers,and they told me he in fact was gone. I asked them,if at least he died peacefully,because they told me he was found on his bed,but they told me…the way he was found,and the position of his body,it was very unlikely he died peacefully.
So after that call,O still had to wait for the medical examiner ,but already called our “father”, to inform him my brother,his son is dead. He cried for 3 seconds and then told me to not accept his inheritance.
I waited for the police to call me back,to release my brothers body,and they did so, after about 2 hours after the initial call.
When they did,I went over to his house,to see him (they asked me if they should take his body to the morgue,or leave it up to me,and I told them to leave it to me,because otherwise,I would never be able to fully believe what happened) So I went over, and saw him,but police never told mw he was unrecognizable,because apparently he died 4 days ago,and summertime isn’t a forgiving factor
So that is some trauma I have to work through.
Since my “father”didn’t speak to my brother for 13 years,he assumed that a drug overdose killed him. Yes my brother used drugs,but he has been clean for at least 10 years. One credit to the donor;he payed for the funeral services.
That being said;other then that;he did nothing. He showed up to the funeral but had his wife speak for him,his wife who never even met my brother. After the service,they were very happy to sit there and drink a coffee,while I was handling all of the small issues.
Now,sorry this is so long,but it’s been a lot! So after my brothers service,I started to go back to work in 5 days,I am a single mom ,self employed,with no financial help what so ever.
After about 4 weeks, the wife of my “father” send me a message that her +80 mother was committing assisted unaliving. And she wanted me to be at the funeral service. I told her that I couldn’t deal with a funeral service this soon after my brothers.
She completely LOST it!!! Started yelling at me,tol me she expected me to be there and she saw me as a family member,and that’s why she was disappointed.
That is when I LOST MY SHIT!!!! Because I’d you see me as family,you don’t stay ducking quiet for a whole month after my brother passed away. Not her,or my “father”…ONCE asked how I was doing. But she compaired her elderly mom, CHOOSING death,to my sibling,unexpectedly dying,and told me I was an asshole for not coming to her moms service.
This is where I KNOW I am the asshole;My brain went blank but furious at the same time,so I send her a picture of my brother,how I saw him, deceased in his house. (Remember he was unrecognizable,swollen and blue) In my mind,at that time…I was like….Maybe if you see what I saw,you wouldn’t be such a dick!! Obviously,a horrible,horrible thing on my part!!!
I know I shouldn’t have done that,but he took revenge by taking my brothers ashes,the ashes he never wanted,and he also was angry enough to report me to CPS with a claim I have Munchausen by proxy.(a week after I send this pic)
All of a sudden claiming he cares so much about he grandchild,but never saw her more then 12 times before this (travel time is 2 hrs at most) He filed a report with CPS and they investigated ! I was cleared of all charges.
He took my brothers ashes,but didn’t even want them…. He reported me to CPS ….
Am I the AH for keeping my child away from her grandparent?

Purtle's Internet Lineup for February 19th, 2024 4:40pm
Pics:

• “This is the best pie I’ve ever had!” “This pie is DISGUSTING!!” https://twitter.com/mantisofmagic/status/1759230590958662075
  
• if they sold this in theatres instead of popcorn i’d be so happy https://twitter.com/invis4yo/status/1759049345582682124
  
• Pokemon news
  
  • Additional details for you for next week's GoodSleepDay. Utilize these details to maximize that Drowsy Power! Sleep well, everyone! https://twitter.com/PokemonSleep/status/1759412492512485741
  • first new Pokemon manga cover dropped and it looks so fun. https://twitter.com/Lewchube/status/1759580493127831630

Clips:

• now that's what i call a radical highway https://twitter.com/DaveAced/status/1758957024178471146
  
• Rynge_ mentioned, the 2nd hit of OD fireball burnout Punk, so Tokido didn't get the frame advantage yet. That's why Punk got the counter hit https://twitter.com/HiFightTH/status/1759352857776754987
  
• amsa cooking! https://clips.twitch.tv/AmazingEnjoyableSparrowBudStar-KDYnBUM4-u6msAPe
  
• Just doing some aim practice https://twitter.com/LillyKyu778/status/1758991060145930585
  
• Waku Waku 7 is the greatest character select song in the history of gaming https://twitter.com/Papapishu/status/1759431802433720635
  
• Yoo I found these sick shoes over here https://twitter.com/IceAshera/status/1759251047913046345
  
• reach the goal without touching the ground https://twitter.com/xiaofan05351083/status/1759187935105257515
  

Videos

• FIRST LOOK at the Hotel Mario Beta for Philips CDi! [11:24] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk2i07t-uE4
  
  • unused Hotel Mario intro dialogue discovered in the year of our lord 2024 https://twitter.com/Akfamilyhome/status/1759633876694278306
• Femke Bol, sets new indoor 400m WORLD RECORD! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pDiNHykUSg
  

Articles/News/Other

• Ladies and Gentlemen, today we've made modding history... The Limp Bizkit mod for Fallout: New Vegas has been found and restored! https://twitter.com/DeMickyD/status/1759258113243308127
  
• Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny’s body found bruised in Arctic morgue https://old.reddit.com/news/comments/1au51ny/russian_opposition_leader_alexei_navalnys_body/
  
• Reddit user content being sold to AI company in $60M/year deal https://old.reddit.com/technology/comments/1aunu6b/reddit_user_content_being_sold_to_ai_company_in/
  
• At least 1 dead, 5 injured in shooting at Indianapolis Waffle House https://old.reddit.com/news/comments/1auqq65/at_least_1_dead_5_injured_in_shooting_at/
  
• Gensis WITH AN UP SMASH WATCHED AROUND THE WORLD, iBDWSSBM IS YOUR GX CHAMPION! https://twitter.com/Genesis_Smash/status/1759459200164389071
  
  • ibdw winners tweet https://twitter.com/iBDWSSBM/status/1759459395719577802
  • amsa tweet https://twitter.com/aMSaRedYoshi/status/1759470275760996599
  • reminder amsa - still look for new esports teams:) https://twitter.com/aMSaRedYoshi/status/1759669254629302503
  • new emote just dropped https://twitter.com/Genesis_Smash/status/1759459476338249976
• Japan Box Office“Haikyu!!: The Dumpster Battle” Movie debuts at No.1 earning a massive 2.23 Billion Yen in its first 3 days! The 5th-highest opening weekend in Japan's box office history, congrats to the entire “Haikyu!!” team! https://twitter.com/Haikyu_EN/status/1759446385282236581
  

Anyone know if he fell out with City Morgue? I just realized he’s not following Zilla or Sos anymore and archived their pics together. He was like Mulas right hand man.

So.... I'm at the moment when I talked to Darrow at the Convention Center and I successfully talked him into revealing me Saldoval's hideout at the backstage. I got a bug wher, no matter what I do, Sandoval is hostile. After knocing him out I did the "Smash the state" quest.
So I defeated Jacob White, disarmed his bomb and wanted to exit the sewers. The problem is I did exit into... the police station. The same police station that you're not supposed to enter either from the front not from the sewers.
That would be nothing if... everyone was alive and kicking! I knocked every one out during the morgue quest (just for fun) and everyone was in their places.
But... it would be nothing if... the game bahaved if I really did the morgue quest once again!
These are pics:
https://postimg.cc/gallery/RB2CCs5
​
So I talked to the guy at the morgue and he said was he was supposed to say... When I got the neuralhub, Sarif connected and told me what to like in the original quest. The guy at the morge, the third time I talked to him, realized I wasn't the guy he was waiting for. Everythign hackable was un-hacked. However, email were already read.
Did any of you encounter this? My game is DXHR DC, unmodded.
PS. In the pic with the neural hub you can see the guy from the morque in the corner of the room. In two other pics you can see the guy on the table in the background.

Morgue.
Do you know what's cool about DCSS? Besides the fact that it's just an awesome game? In DCSS, what's cool is that it's full of subtle synergies, and discovering these synergies provides a lot of satisfaction. Have you noticed how well Wall of Briars works with Hailstorm?
But this time, it won't be about Fedhas.
You know what's cool about one probably underrated (by me) spell, Yara's Violent Unravelling? That, in fact, everything is a status. Exploring Vaults, and a convoker just raised a red flag? Status! Yara! An elven demonologist summoned tzitzimitl or some other nastiness? Hold your horses, Johnny. Yara! A lich cast haste on itself? Status! Yara!
And you know what a hexer, one of Hep's ancestors, does?
That's right! They cast statuses!
Slow, confuse, paralyse, and mass confusion at level 19. Additionally, disrupted magic (level 24) is also a status.
So, I used this spell 345 times throughout the entire game.
Pic rel.
Recommended, 11/10, would Yara again.
Kind regards, Pan Saczeczos

This is my build
All other parts turn on with no issues and all plugs/cords are plugged in fully, video card won't take power or turn on but everything else will. Pics of tower will be provided if needed, just wanna know if its screwed and need to spend another $500+ for a new one.

(PART 1)
I recently broke up with someone and I’ve been feeling upset and angry so I thought it would help to share.
I (f23) met my ex (m21) May of last year (22 and 20 when we met). I was sitting alone at school and he walked up to me and asked for my Instagram. The following two days we went on two dates which went well. A red flag that stood out for me at the start was 20 minutes into our first date he brought up his ex, and kept mentioning other girls and how there was drama and they hated him but he was “over it.” He was going to go home (4 hours away) for the summer so in my head I wondered what he was expecting with me. During a FaceTime call he told me he was an open book and I could ask him anything. I told him I was wondering what it is he wanted from me/what is it that he was expecting if he was going home so soon. He told me he did want a relationship, but if I didn’t want to talk over the summer he would be okay with it but I could still expect him to hit me up next semester. He also knew that at the time I was on a dating app. I told him if he didn’t want me to talk to any other guys I could do that but he said he wouldn’t make me do that.
After thinking about it for a day, I told him that not talking over the summer doesn’t make sense because I would just find someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him. I told him I know my worth and I know that I’m special, so I wouldn’t wait around for anyone. We decided to pursue each other and we FaceTimed and slept on FaceTime almost every night over the summer. While talking to him I also stopped talking to other guys on the dating app and eventually deleted it and focused on him.
He had planned all summer to take a trip to come visit me. At the end of July he came and we hung out for 3 days. He got a hotel and we went on various dates. On the 3rd day he bought me flowers and officially asked me to be his girlfriend. During our talking stage I told him there was something big about me that he didn’t know that I wasn’t ready to share yet. I told him it the same day he asked me out officially. The secret is that I have a chronic illness, which after telling him the story he said he supported me and whatever happened he would be there for me. At the beginning it was like a fairytale since he went above and beyond for me with his efforts.
When college was about to start again he sent me a message saying he personally wanted to give me the best experience having a boyfriend because I deserve it. At the beginning it was very fun for me since it was my first real relationship (besides a 3 week middle school one). I enjoyed having someone to spend time with, buy gifts for, and do romantic couple stuff with. He was my first for everything (kiss, cuddling, holding hands, sex). He didn’t have a car so I drove 35+ minutes to go see him and I drove us around when we went on dates/off campus.
Our first real fight happened because I was annoyed with him mentioning the girls before me daily. For reference, shortly before me there were 3 other girls. One of them (we’ll call her X, his age I think) didn’t bother me much since they no longer speak, but he told me he was heartbroken over her. The longest text message he ever sent me was about her, where he wrote a paragraph about how he would get depressed and disappointed in himself when she wouldn’t reply (he sent it at the beginning of us being official). She was from the semester before we met. At the beginning of the semester we met he liked two Asian girls (I’m Asian as well, we’re all different countries, they were 18/19) one of them he had essentially a situationship with (We’ll call her Y.) He told me they were intimate (not fourth base but other stuff). She was the main conflict/strain out of the other girls. Everything he told me about her was things he didn’t like (Ex - kissing her was like kissing a dead fish, cuddling her was like I was in a morgue cuddling a dead body, she had no personality, being with her was like I was a parental figure and I was taking care of a child). He told me how one night he made her leave his dorm in the middle of the night because he wanted to be alone due to mental health and she teared up in the elevator and he said “it’s not about you” (I never agreed with him on this.) He said he has trauma from her and he felt bad because he really broke her heart. I’m still not sure about the exact timeline/how long the situationship lasted but he told me on Valentine’s Day, after a month of knowing each other, she said I love you and he said it back even though he didn’t mean it. He later said to her that he took back what he said.
I became irritated with him because he would bring them up a lot, and every time we walked down the hallways at school he was on edge wondering if he saw one of them and would often say “I thought that was _____.” Once when I asked him a question about X he said “that’s funny, you’re giving me flashbacks.” There was one more girl that he liked right before me (We’ll call her Z.) He told me he was heartbroken over her as well, and I assumed she never liked him back because he said she became mean and didn’t reciprocate towards the end. I was also upset because he wrote letters to X and Y and he kept them in his google docs. I told him I didn’t like that he kept them because he wouldn’t be able to move past it if he kept the letters. I also told him I wondered why he would say he has flashbacks and why he gets paranoid about seeing them when he has me and he said that wasn’t what it was. We compromised that he would mention the other girls less and would delete the letters. He never actually deleted the letters and he did mention them less but he still talked about them, mainly Y. Later on in our relationship, he told me on Valentine’s day he bought a heart shaped donut for Z. It confuses me since he told me the timeline was that he liked Y and then after her he liked Z, but there is a clear overlap with the events on Valentine’s Day. All the events with Y, Z plus him meeting me all happened in one semester so I always felt like he wasn’t fully moved on/healed when he came up to me.
About a month or so into our relationship he called me at work and said he saw Y at school and she walked right past him. He said he panicked and had trouble breathing because he has trauma from what happened with her. I wasn’t upset and told him I understood, and since I’m very confident I told him I hope I can make you happy enough so that you can move past it and she won’t make you feel like that anymore.
There was an incident where I was planning to drive to see him after my appointment, but he told me sort of last minute he thought he wanted to be alone so he could study. I was sad because I wish he decided it earlier since I had already drove my own car instead of saving gas by riding with my dad. I almost cried but I decided not to because he didn’t do anything wrong. My plan was to drive home and be sad, but I texted him a few more times asking if I could come and that I wouldn’t distract him and I could buy us sushi. He ended up saying I could but he would be glued to his chair studying. I got to his dorm and we ate the sushi and he studied until he had to leave for the exam. When he came back I asked him how it went and he picked up the calculator sitting on his desk and said he forgot it so he got a zero. I was in shock and asked if he was okay and he kept saying yes. We didn’t talk for the next hour as we did our own work. During that time I was thinking in my head that I really should have just left him alone cause it seemed like he didn’t want me there. I felt like I overstepped his boundaries since he said he wanted to be alone but I kept asking to come, and he told me in the past he has a hard time saying no. The next day we had a deep talk about it and I apologized because I felt like I overstepped his boundaries and I should’ve respected it when he said he wanted to be alone and study. He told me that night he was on the edge of wanting to take a break and be alone so he could focus on school (He did engineering and ROTC so he was very busy and stressed all the time.) I told him I don’t believe in taking breaks and that with me you get one chance and that’s it.
A couple habits of his I didn’t like were him complaining about things like spending money and carrying my stuff. He told me he loves to spoil and would offer to pay for things, but when he payed he would complain and say things like “$9 for that, that’s crazy.” When I got onto him about complaining he said he was “always gonna complain, even if I was a billionaire I would still complain.” Sometimes he would try to compare the amount of money we spent on each other. I would say I bought him things and he would say things like “I buy you MORE things.” And that he spent this amount of money on this certain day. When carrying my stuff sometimes he would complain about “all the weight” he’s carrying and I would offer to carry some of the stuff, sometimes he would let me and sometimes he would say no cause he “has to be a gentleman.” I told him a gentleman doesn’t complain and he said “they do on the inside.”
A couple of months into our relationship he became friends with Z again. I found out because one day he was supposed to meet with me but he was running late. I walked down the hall and saw him talking to her and I even talked to her a little bit. I was a little confused since I thought he didn’t want to speak to her, but I was happy since I would have rather have them be on good terms than bad like the other girls. I have a lot of security and confidence in myself, and I would tell him that I know I’m prettier and better than the other girls which he would agree with and said he loved my confidence. I told him I didn’t feel threatened that they talked and were friends again, but shortly later he tried to (joke?) that I felt threatened but then I told him literally my exact words were I don’t feel threatened. I also wasn’t worried about her since I assumed she never liked him back based on what he told me.
Something that began to make me feel uneasy was almost 3 months into us dating, he told me he actually knew the whole time that I had a chronic illness. He knew from looking at my Instagram, and saw everything before we even went on our first date. When he asked for my Instagram at the start, I almost asked if I could give my Snapchat or number instead since I knew he could have seen all of that, but I still gave him my Instagram. I assumed guys didn’t stalk as much as girls but he later called himself a “certified stalker.” In this case I mostly blamed myself since I knew he could have seen everything. He didn’t necessarily do anything wrong since when you get someone’s Instagram, especially someone you’re interested in, you’re going to want to stalk and look at everything. I felt lied to in a way, and started to mourn the way it was/the way I thought it was. I didn’t want him to see or know that side of me yet, I wanted him to see the fun and healthy version of me, and I thought once he learned that stuff he would see me in a new light and like me more. It felt sort of unfair since at the beginning I knew nothing about him since his Instagram was very dry, but he secretly knew a lot about me. The positive spin I try to put on it is that he knew everything, but he still liked me and chose to keep talking to me and pursuing me.
On our 3 month anniversary I dressed up and went to his dorm and we studied before having dinner. At first he texted me saying he didn’t know if he wanted to have a date and I told him it was okay if we didn’t and I was fine with just being with him no matter what we did. While he was listening to a lecture, his speaker fell on the ground and he yelled “F***ING H*LL” and slammed his speaker down and left the room. My heart dropped when he did that and I stared at the door for a bit while my heart pounded because it really frightened me that he reacted really angrily, especially on our anniversary. I heard him use the bathroom and when he came back I opened the door and asked if he was okay and he said yes. I asked him why he slammed it and he said he was just annoyed because he would rather study for his test than listen to the lecture. I hugged him and told him it’s okay if we don’t go out and he said we could go. He was a bit dry on the date but I understood that he was stressed.
After 3 months into us dating we hit a rough patch which in my opinion began the falling out of our relationship. He told me that the night before he had a 4 hour phone call with Z where she admitted she liked him the whole time he liked her. During the phone call they gave each other’s point of view of what happened/why they did things/what went wrong. He also gave her advice on a guy that she currently liked (they ended up getting together, don’t know if they’re still together now.) Later that night after ruminating on it I began to feel insecure because I started to feel like I was a substitution/rebound of her. I told him I was feeling insecure and needed reassurance and he said we could talk on the phone. I was crying on the phone for a bit before I told him what was bothering me. I told him I was starting to feel like I was the substitution, and he asked “You’re saying you feel like the only reason I’m dating you is because I never got to be in a relationship with her?” And I said it was probably me overthinking, and he responded “I understand that, I wasn’t thinking about her at all when I came up to you.” And I said okay, that was what I needed, I just needed reassurance. I told him that was the first time I ever felt insecure in our relationship, and the reason she never bothered me before was because I thought she never liked him back.
He said he wanted to mention another thing but he wasn’t sure if it was the right time, but I asked him to tell me. He said sometimes he felt uncomfortable with the sexual memes I would send, and I apologized because I didn’t know they made him feel uncomfortable. Since we began having sex I thought he wouldn’t mind me sending things along that nature but it was a bit too much for him. We also had a small incident 2 weeks into knowing each other since we started talking about sexual stuff, but we set the boundary that it wasn’t appropriate yet so we stopped. He then told me he told his friends something and he didn’t know why but he told them he didn’t feel “sexually attracted” and I asked “to?” And he said “to you.” And my heart broke as I asked “what?” I asked him then why is he so complimentary, why does he call me sexy, why does he say all these things he likes about my body then says he’s not sexually attracted to me? He complimented every part of my body, even the parts I didn’t like, making me think he thought of me like I was perfect. I told him I felt broken because that was the last thing I ever thought he would say to me and it was the last thing I thought would ever be a problem. He said the human body gives him the “ick” and sometimes even the photos I sent would make him feel weird and I told him I thought you liked those cause of how you reacted, and he said he reacted like that because he wanted to hype me up. He said there was nothing wrong with my body and insisted he did enjoy being sexual with me.
He explained after maybe 20 minutes that what he meant was he wasn’t super interested in sex *currently*. My sex drive was higher than his, and he said he enjoyed it at the beginning but he thought we started to do it too much. I asked him how come sometimes he initiates it, and he said because he feels like I want him to. He said he felt very sexually attracted to me at the beginning, he would just rather focus on school than do sexual stuff as often as we did. I felt better after he explained that, but for a solid 20 minutes I thought he was saying he was never sexually attracted to me the whole time. I still wish he never said that/worded it in that way, because it felt like my world was collapsing in on me and it was the most soul crushing thing anyone has ever said to me. It felt awful because I’ve felt in the past I wasn’t sexually attractive, and I was excited because it felt like I found someone that thought I was perfect and sexy and enthusiastically wanted to be intimate with me. Finding out he didn’t always want it/enjoy it and him saying he wasn’t sexually attracted to me was very hurtful for me, especially because he took my virginity. I felt embarrassed because I thought he always enjoyed it and that I was being fair with the amount of sexual stuff we did. He told me with his ex she would want to have sex every time they saw each other, so I would only ask for it a couple times a week but he said that was too much for him. He said he preferred innocence and would rather cuddle or nap than have sex a majority of the time.
There was also an incident where I wanted to have sex but he said he would rather do homework but I still asked for it (I take accountability for this, I shouldn’t have done that.) we had sex and later on he texted me saying he fell asleep and missed out on an assignment and then said “we shouldn’t have done that.” I told him I was sorry and he said he was disappointed then kept sleeping. I didn’t want to argue, but I thought in my head that it wasn’t my fault since he had 2+ hours to do it from the time I went home and it wasn’t my fault he fell asleep.
He also said during the phone call that he was starting to feel bad about the situation with Y again. He said it got to the point where he wondered if he built our relationship because of her, but he didn’t think that was what is was, he just feels “haunted” by her. He insisted that he didn’t miss her, he just had trauma. During the call I said I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to break up and he said he didn’t want to either. He asked if I wanted to take a break and I said again that I don’t believe in taking a break.
The next day I was feeling really awful from our conversation and I had to go to work while feeling down. That night I had a FaceTime call with two of my friends where I explained everything. They assumed the worst since they wanted to protect me and want the best for me. The general consensus was they didn’t like the things he did and the way he spoke to me and they didn’t think it was fixable. They didn’t like that he said “we shouldn’t have done that” after having sex and missing out on an assignment, and said he needed to manage his time better (this was also in response to me saying he deletes Instagram sometimes because he gets distracted by reels when he needed to do work) in this case I defended him because he was very busy with ROTC and engineering and I saw him work hard every day with little sleep. During this time he began asking me for more space so he could focus and study by himself. My friends interpreted it that he was blaming me for his failures as was pushing himself away from me. They reiterated that they were just assuming the worst and they didn’t know him and they can’t dictate what I should do since they’re not in the relationship and don’t fully understand everything.
The next day we were gonna see each other at school and talk and I cried on the car ride there. We talked at school and I cried more. I told him how him saying he wasn’t sexually attracted to me didn’t make sense especially since at the beginning I was the one that made him wait. He would say he wanted it but I would tell him “soon” and “not yet” since I was a virgin and wasn’t ready yet. It was a huge blow to my heart that I let him take my virginity and he suddenly said he wasn’t sexually attracted to me, but he said since he explained it and I know what he actually meant there’s no reason to bring it up anymore. He claimed since he’s circumcised he can’t feel much so he’s just not a very sexual person.
I mentioned that I had mixed feelings about him knowing the whole time that I had a chronic illness, and he said although he saw TikToks and photos and stuff, he didn’t actually know “everything” or exactly what I went through and he waited and wanted to hear everything from me.
I also mentioned how when he complained about spending money it made me feel like a burden, and he said he wasn’t blaming me, he was blaming the economy. I mentioned that I felt like he didn’t treat me the same way he did at the beginning, and he said for one thing he was broke, and I told him it’s not about how much he spends. He said didn’t care if he was broke, he wanted to make me feel special. I told him it would make me feel better if he complained less and he said he would.
I told him I didn’t feel threatened by Z, but Y still boiled my blood because I literally had everything she didn’t so I didn’t understand why she was still in the back of his mind, since everything he told me about her was things he didn’t like. He claimed that during the phone call with Z, he began to also feel closure with Y. I also told him to correct me if I’m wrong, but it seemed like all he did with Y was sexual stuff so I wondered if he enjoyed it with her and not with me. He said he didn’t enjoy it with her, and they didn’t mainly do sexual stuff but they mostly studied. He would see her around school with 2 guys and would assume and call one of them her “boyfriend” and would say “good for them” and he’s “happy for her.” He also told me last semester she had a “bodyguard” (a friend of her’s) that she would always have with her after they stopped talking because she was scared he would do something to her.
I asked him if there was anything he wanted from me besides asking for sexual stuff less, and he said to not mention Y anymore which I said was completely fine since I didn’t want to anyway. I told him that sometimes I would stalk Y and Z, which in my opinion isn’t unusual for a girlfriend to do. Later in the relationship I told him it seemed like Y was in a certain club, and later on that night he said he went “too far in his stalking” since he found the Instagram of the club I talked about. I asked him why he was looking at that, she wasn’t worth it and he had better things to worry about and he said “very.” There was also one day where he started making a list comparing me and Y, and on my side he put “prettier,” “funnier,” "creative,” “personality” and other things, and on her side he didn’t put anything. I told him he didn’t need to make a list cause I already knew I was better than her and he said “exactly.”
I made the mistake of telling him some of the things my friends said and he got very upset and offended. He said he takes “personal offense to judgement without a foundation.” I told him he shouldn’t take it personally since they don’t know him and don’t understand the full context since they’re not in the relationship, but he still continued to take it personally. I told him they said it sounds like he’s pushing himself away from me and he’s giving me reasons to break up with him since he wanted me to break up with him and he didn’t want to do it himself. He said that wasn’t what he was doing and he wasn’t planning to leave me. I told him one of my friends said “who the f*** would say that to their significant other?” (About him saying he wasn’t sexually attracted to me) and his response was “Um, someone that’s trying to be honest.” I also mentioned the incident where he fell asleep and blamed me for missing his assignment, and he said the way he saw it was during the time we had sex he could have done his assignment.
I also mentioned to him that sometimes I felt like he undermined me. There was a time that I texted him that I couldn’t wait to be done with the stress of school so we could feel better and be happier in our relationship, and his response was “You with stress?! HA!” and also during the phone call where he said he wasn’t sexually attracted to me we were talking about balancing our time for each other. I told him I felt like I did a good job balancing my time since I had my job and school and I made time to see him, and he responded “You don’t have 5 math classes to deal with (my name).” I told him that was the point I was getting at, because I already knew his major and responsibilities are heavier and harder than mine. When I told him I felt like he undermined me and I gave those examples, he said they were just jokes. I kept telling him that my friends said they can’t fully judge because they don’t understand the full context and they just assumed the worst and he sarcastically responded “Yeah, sure, they said that.” Although some of his words and responses didn’t sit right with me, after talking we decided we would stay together and keep trying.
A couple days after this there was a day where I decided to ask him to give me a good apology. When I was about to arrive at school I called him and I felt a little annoyed because he said he was in the parking lot waiting for a bit because he thought I would’ve been there by now. I explained to him that there was a lot of traffic that I couldn’t control and he would keep pestering and say things like “yeahhh okay, sure.” He joked around like that a lot and he said that was just his personality and he liked joking around, but I always found it irritating and not funny. After telling him some of the things my friends said, like them saying he didn’t manage his time well, he would keep repeating in conversations “Because APPARENTLY according to your friends I don’t manage my time well.” Which really bothered me and I kept trying to tell him don’t take it personally. While walking to find a place to study I carried his guitar on my back and after carrying it for a bit I would say it felt heavy. He said “That is NOT heavy AT ALL you’re crazy/lying what are you talking about?” It’s easy to tell from my face when I’m upset and it seemed like he noticed so he kept asking if I was okay and I said yes because I didn’t want to fight. When he noticed my facial expression dropped again he asked “What’s wrong with you, seriously you’re not talking to me. What’s wrong with you, dude?” When we got in the elevator he asked one more time what was wrong. I only mentioned that I didn’t like when he said “APPARENTLY I don’t manage my time well.” And he said it’s just a joke. I’m aware that saying things are “just a joke” is a gaslighting tactic so it never sat right with me when he would say that.
After sitting down for a bit I told him there was something I wanted to ask from him so I could feel better. While I said that he laughed cause a person walked by and he said something about me not having awareness cause someone walked by while I said that. I asked him if he could give me a good apology because I felt really awful and felt the worst I’ve felt in a while. When I was asking him to give me a good apology he was laughing and I asked him why but I don’t remember his response. I asked him if he could do that and he said yes and asked what else I wanted to say. I told him I was fine with him being friends with Z and I was even willing to try to be friends with her too. I told him I was fine with him texting her and a short phone call was fine but I would prefer no more 4 hour phone calls. His response was “That’s not gonna happen anytime soon.” Since it seemed she was going to get together with the guy she liked that he gave her advice on. For his apology he grabbed my hands and I don’t remember everything he said but it felt half hearted. In the apology he said something along the lines of “I guess I was just saying whatever came to my head and I wasn’t thinking about how it would make you feel.” I didn’t like that he laughed when I told him I felt awful and asked him to apologize, and I didn’t like that he said “I guess” in the apology.
Things were better until around 4 months of us being together. The stress from school was really getting to him with finals coming around and I always understood and supported him. I was always very supportive and put in a lot of effort in our relationship. I would often buy him food/drinks when he said he was hungry/broke and I liked surprising him with gifts. He would say sometimes that he felt dumb or like a failure and I always reassured him. Around this time I would tell him that I wanted to help him and support him and he would say he “needed to be alone” and he “needed himself.” There was one day where he was stressed out because he had a Chemistry test and he said he wanted to study with his friend in the same class. After he was done with ROTC I called him and was talking about one of my assignments and he cut me off and said “I don’t have time, (my name.)” I said “Oh, okay, I’m sorry” and he said yeah I just have a lot to do I need to study. It hurt my feelings when he cut me off and said that because the way he did it was so blunt. After maybe 30 minutes I decided to walk up to the library to try and find him and ask if he wanted a smoothie. When I found him he was talking to a group of people which confused me because I thought it was just gonna be him and his friend studying. He would ask to study alone without me so he could focus, but I was confused because I felt that a group of people would be more distracting than me alone. I asked him if he wanted a smoothie and he said no and that he was busy and needed to focus so I hugged him and went back downstairs. He then texted me saying that he was sorry and he did want a smoothie but he was just stressed and I told him it was okay and I understood. I had a bit of my smoothie left so I walked back up after a bit and told him he could have the rest cause I didn’t want it and he told me it’s okay and I should keep it. I hugged him again and went back downstairs. He walked to where I was on the way to his exam and talked to me for a bit. Since he expressed he wanted more time to study alone I asked if he wanted to be alone tomorrow and he seemed unsure but then said yes.
Later that night he texted me saying that talking to a “new person” helped. I asked if it was a certain person I saw him talking to when I walked up, an Asian girl, and he said yes. It felt a little weird to me, cause I wondered why this “new person” helped instead of me as his girlfriend. Especially since when I would tell him I wanted to help him he said he needed himself/to be alone and wanted to help himself. I wasn’t the kind of girlfriend who told him to not talk to/be friends with other girls so I was okay with it but obviously suspicious at first since I knew nothing about her. This was how I was with another female friend of his (The one he studied with) since he said once she said he had a soothing voice which seemed like flirting. But I told myself that since he met her before me if he liked her he would’ve done something about it, and after meeting her I saw she was nice and there was nothing to worry about. Even with XYZ, since I have security in myself I didn’t feel threatened or felt like he would go back to them since I knew I was the one he wanted. It only bothered me when he talked about them and when he had a 4 hour phone call with Z, especially because he didn’t even have 4 hour phone calls with me. I asked what the “new person” looked like and he said he found her pic in groupme but it wasn’t really a photo of her. I asked him to tell me what it was and he said “I asked for it” and sent it, it was a mirror selfie where she covered her face but you could see her cleavage. He said after sending it he deleted it. I also told him I would’ve just been fine with a description. He then said he looked back at the photo to “analyze” and he noticed in her phone case it looked like there was a photo of a guy so she had a boyfriend (This was later confirmed, don’t know if they’re still together.)
The following morning we had a phone call where we communicated about what happened and I shared what I was confused about. He told me he told his friend he felt bad because because he basically shunned me away. I told him I didn’t mind that because I knew he needed to study and I didn’t want to bother him, but the part that bothered me was when he interjected and said “I don’t have time” on the phone. I told him that I felt confused that he was with a group of people when I thought it was gonna be his one friend and he explained they were all in Chemistry and it was a study group. I also said I was confused when he said talking to a new person helped and he said he meant that in the sense that making a new friend helped him. Although he told me the day before he wanted to be alone, he said I could come and we had a good day studying together. I was happy because I was starting to feel good about our relationship again.
However, a couple days later things began to get really really bad. He texted me saying he quit ROTC and thinks he failed classes and he didn’t know if he wanted to date anymore. I was upset and consoled him that he would be okay regarding school and his future. We didn’t officially break up so I put it aside. The next day I was at school taking my exam, and I told him I wanted to talk about what he said yesterday cause I wasn’t feeling good. I asked him if he meant what he said and he said “Idk, I don’t think so.” He said he wanted to be alone and I said I still thought we should talk about it so I could feel better. I called him and during the call I asked “So you don’t want to see me today?” And he said “I have no idea, I’m just trying to get through life.” I also mentioned him saying he didn’t want to date and he said it was just him impulsively wanting to do the worst. He said he would meet with me, but then changed his mind and said he wanted to be alone cause he was out of it. I told him it felt like he didn’t care about me and he was pushing me away. He said that wasn’t what it was and he did care about me, he was just worried about his future since the plan he had was ruined. I had a bag of stuff for him I wanted to give him, and I asked if I could drop the stuff off outside his door and he said yes. My plan was to drop off the stuff then go home, but I impulsively knocked on his door. He opened and I asked how he was doing and he said terrible. I asked if I could use the restroom and he said yes and that I could stay if I wanted. I asked “Do you want me to stay?” And he said it was okay.
We talked for 3 hours and he said a lot of things that didn’t sit right with me. One of the first things he said was he knew a guy that never dated in school, and he wondered what it would be like if he never dated and just focused on school. I said “So you wish we never dated?” And he said no, it’s just a “what if” question and he ponders about what if’s a lot. I thought it was strange that as his girlfriend he was telling me he wondered what his life would be like if he never dated anyone. I told him it felt like he becomes really cold with me when he’s stressed and he said it felt like I “wasn’t taking his feelings into account” and it was “annoying.” I told him I wouldn’t reiterate what my friends were telling me but they said he’s f***ng it up with me and he keeps hurting me and he asked “How am I hurting you?” And while I cried he said “I don’t know why you’re crying, there’s no reason to cry.” And “I don’t know why you think I don’t care about you.” He said “I mean you can follow you FRIEND’S advice and find a better guy, but I don’t think you could find someone that’s gonna spend $1000 on the first date.” I told him to not stay stuff like that and he asked why not. I told him to not bring up money because it’s not about money and he said it’s not about money it’s about the effort.
He said he told his friend that I was perfect and everything I did was perfect, it was just him, he was the problem. I told him it was the perfect time for me to be in a relationship but it wasn’t the right time for him at all, it was probably the worst time, and he agreed. I asked him if he was ready for a relationship when he came up to me, and he said he talked about that with his friend and he didn’t think he was and I said I don’t think so either. He also said he “maybe” wasn’t mentally ready for a relationship. I also mentioned that it hurt my feelings when he told me he “didn’t have time” during that one phone call and he said “because I didn’t.”
The main point I was trying to stress to him was that he needed to word things better because the way he communicated wasn’t empathetic to my feelings. I would often see him and want to hang out/study so I asked him if he blamed me for distracting him/him failing classes and he said it has nothing to do with me, it’s his fault. I kept telling him I wanted to help him and he kept reiterating he needed to be alone and help himself. I asked him if by being alone he wanted to break up and he said the answer is always going to be no I don’t want to break up, but if I wanted to leave he wouldn’t stop me and I should do what I feel is right. I told him I felt like he was giving me mixed messages by saying he wanted to stay with me but if I wanted to leave he would be fine. I told him I felt like the person I’m dating should never want to lose me and would do whatever it takes to stay with me, and he said his priority is always going to be himself. I told him that this was the third occasion where he alluded to taking a break/breaking up and he said “I never said that, what are you talking about?” And when I gave him the examples he would say he didn’t remember and said “If that’s what you want to believe.” My heart felt pain after almost everything he said, and I kept telling him I didn’t like the things he was saying and he would ask “What am I saying?”
Many red flags were waving at me and I knew I shouldn’t stay with him because of the way he was communicating, but I didn’t have the strength to end it yet. I even said “I don’t think I can be happy with you.” And he said “Then let’s break up” and I shook my head because I wasn’t ready to let go yet. He said if we dated next semester we wouldn’t go on dates and he would study by himself and only see me occasionally. I told him it would be like we weren’t even together and having a person to have company and spend time with was a big part of a relationship for me. I told him I was ignoring gut feelings because I didn’t want to be alone and he said “Now that’s just pity” like I was pitying him and “that’s just pitiful.” I then told him I would give him one more chance.