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I don't know any other game I've played that constantly teaches you how to play the game. I don't need to pick up an exosuit upgrade map and relentlessly be reminded without any way to turn it off. Except for throwing it into a far away storage locker and swallow the key, then forget about it completely when I need it because there's a million things to do.
There shouldn't even be a prompt asking "turn this notification off". It should come up the first time, then tell you to view catalog/guide for information.
It's exhausting. I don't always have hours and hours. I've literally had to switch my brain to seriously focus on completing tasks in this game and not deviate. This makes it just so much worse.
Also the item menu system is terrible. I want my things organized. There isn't even an option. I could be mistaken, but I havent seen a tab that allows to sort by whatever means. Other than the galaxy map (that's another issue, getting there). There's the left tabs that highlight four categories. That's not much better. The items are still scattered around like everything inside your girlfriend's purse. I should be able to sort by alphabetical order, usage order (crafting, upgrades, trading), price low to high and visa versa; and if I was a producer I'd do something cool like organize raw elements into a periodic table. That would be fantastic. Like a keyboard you would know where to look. I already try and organize my materials in a way like that so I can focus my eyes and save time.
I use my storage containers in collaboration with my freighter, as you would, to store mostly every material I need to progress. But I land at my base, I need to physically walk my ass over and transfer back and forth because why? Because fuck you I guess. I hope you waste more time and your wife gets mad then sleeps your neighbor. Then you miss little Timmies baseball game where he got his first home run. Then you were 2 minutes late to that Microsoft teams meeting with that client willing to invest in your "jump to conclusions mat" prototype model before production.
Then I have to waste more time and jump into my fucking space ship and go into space, just to look at the fucking map (unless on the bridge yes). But hey! Surprise, there's fucking half a dozen loser npc pirates you now have to fight off just so you can look at that map. There's another 5 minutes.
It's such a good game but there's sooo many incredibly annoying factors that could be changed. The most important one in my opinion is time factor. -
-More menu shortcuts -One time first experience training prompts -Fully customizable controls -option to eliminate some repeated animations -option to mute repeated audible warnings and status updates -BASIC ELEMENTS available more for purchase (I've changed the settings and still I'm like "kidding me oxygen, I need fucking oxygen and it's not for sale) -what about purchasing a ship, then hiring a pilot. Maybe I have a dope ass ship, but I don't want to use it and I hired a dope ass Tom Cruise top gun. But top gun is strictly bound to his f-14 tomahawk. When I have the f-22 lighting in the fucking hanger!
Oh and one more thing. The Minotaur mech warrior exo craft. Like where's the sprint feature. I've played mech warrior, Gundam wing, all those. Sick games. And what's common. They can at least double time with pace. I want to run full speed inside an exo mech destroying combat ready machine, boost 100' into the air, rain down rocket fire, land right after they blow the fuck out of everything and just blast everything still breathing.
If I haven't seen something to change one of these I would love to know. But y'all gotta be frustrated as hell with one of these no doubt.
Hello is still making money. They can afford to do their nerd thing and tippity type away at a keyboard and go John Cena, to make issues disappear.
This concludes my TED talk, thank you for listening.

I may be late to celebrate his royal badness' birthday, but I did this to honor him. . Wedding Feast - 0:00/0:54 My Little Pill - 0:00/1:09 An Honest Man - 0:00/1:13 Sister - 0:00/1:31 Breathe - 0:00/2:01 All the Midnights in the World - 0:00/2:21 The Flow - 0:00/2:26 Extraordinary - 0:00/2:28 There is Lonely - 0:00/2:29 Don't Play Me - 0:00/2:48 The Marrying Kind - 0:00/2:49 Everywhere - 0:00/2:54 Noon Rendezvous - 0:00/3:00 Aintturninround - 0:00/3:02 Dream Factory - 0:00/3:07 I Like It There - 0:00/3:15 Da Bang - 0:00/3:19 The Same December - 0:00/3:24 Pretzelbodylogic - 0:00/3:26 When Eye Lay My Hands on U - 0:00/3:41 S.S.T - 0:00/3:42 Funky Design - 0:00/3:45 4ever - 0:00/3:47 Solo - 0:00/3:48 The Morning Papers - 0:00/3:57 $ - 0:00/3:57 Valentina - 0:00/3:59 Make Your Mama Happy - 0:00/4:01 The Latest Fashion - 0:00/4:02 Screwdriver - 0:00/4:14 Work That Fat - 0:00/4:35 U're Gonna C Me (MPLSound) - 0:00/4:36 Circle of Amour - 0:00/4:43 Illusion, Coma, Pimp and Circumstance - 0:00/4:45 Mr. Happy - 0:00/4:46 Dance 4 Me - 0:00/4:58 Dolphin - 0:00/4:59 7 - 0:00/5:10 Thunder - 0:00/5:45 Big Tall Wall v1 - 0:00/5:58 Van Gogh - 0:00/5:59 3 Chains O' Gold - 0:00/6:03 Chocolate Box - 0:00/6:13 . The Rest of My Life - 0:01/1:40 Feel Better, Feel Good, Feel Wonderful - 0:01/3:52 Strange But True - 0:01/4:12 Slow Love - 0:01/4:22 The Love We Make - 0:01/4:39 Housequake - 0:01/4:42 Wally - 0:01/4:44 Man 'O' War - 0:01/5:15 Sex in the Summer - 0:01/5:57 The Holy River - 0:01/6:55 . For You - 0:03/1:08 Teacher, Teacher (1985) - 0:03/3:08 If Eye Was the Man in Ur Life - 0:03/3:09 Teacher, Teacher (1982) - 0:03/3:36 What It Feels Like - 0:03/3:53 Violet the Organ Grinder - 0:03/5:00 Call My Name - 0:03/5:15 Cloreen Bacon Skin - 0:03/15:37 . Cybersingle - 0:04/2:43 Escape - 0:04/3:30 Damn U - 0:04/4:25 Another Lonely Christmas - 0:04/4:53 It - 0:04/5:09 Mad - 0:04/5:35 . Satisfied - 0:05/2:50 I Wanna Melt With U - 0:05/3:50 Like A Mack - 0:05/4:04 Anotherlove - 0:05/4:16 No Call U - 0:05/4:29 Let's Go Crazy - 0:05/4:40 White Mansion - 0:05/4:47 Glam Slam - 0:05/5:07 Sexy M.F. - 0:05/5:26 . Comeback - 0:06/1:59 Let's Have A Baby - 0:06/4:07 . Do U Lie? - 0:07/2:44 Witness 4 The Prosecution v1 - 0:07/4:00 We Gets Up - 0:07/4:18 Call the Law - 0:07/4:21 . Walk in Sand - 0:08/3:29 Strollin' - 0:08/3:47 Alphabet St. - 0:08/5:38 Big Tall Wall v2 - 0:08/5:46 The Cocoa Boys - 0:08/6:05 I Rock, Therefore I Am - 0:08/6:15 Holly Rock - 0:08/6:38 . Splash - 0:09/2:59 Way Back Home - 0:09/3:05 Kiss - 0:09/3:37 Dreamin' About U - 0:09/3:52 Good Love - 0:09/4:55 5 Women - 0:09/5:13 . Starfish and Coffee - 0:10/2:50 Pearls B4 The Swine - 0:10/3:01 What's My Name - 0:10/3:03 Walk Don't Walk - 0:10/3:07 4 the Tears in Your Eyes - 0:10/3:25 In A Large Room With No Light - 0:10/3:27 On the Couch - 0:10/3:33 Musicology - 0:10/4:24 Rockhard in a Funky Place - 0:10/4:34 Dead On It - 0:10/4:40 Slave - 0:10/4:51 200 Balloons - 0:10/5:06 . Objects in the Mirror - 0:11/3:27 Lemon Crush - 0:11/4:15 One Kiss at a Time - 0:11/4:41 Same Page, Different Book - 0:11/4:41 Hot Wit U - 0:11/5:09 La, La, La, He, He, Hee - 0:11/10:53 . Sarah - 0:12/2:52 Boom - 0:12/3:18 A Case of U - 0:12/3:39 Judas Smile - 0:12/6:33 Something Funky (This House Comes) - 0:12/7:04 . Marz - 0:13/1:48 Velvet Kitty Cat - 0:13/2:42 Da Bourgeoise - 0:13/3:23 One of Your Tears - 0:13/3:27 Silly Game - 0:13/3:30 Resolution - 0:13/3:37 Incense and Candles - 0:13/4:04 Lolita - 0:13/4:06 Moonbeam Levels - 0:13/4:22 I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man - 0:13/6:29 . Have a Heart - 0:14/2:04 Into the Light - 0:14/2:46 Gotta Stop (Messin' About) - 0:14/2:57 You're All I Want - 0:14/3:00 Thieves in the Temple - 0:14/3:20 I Will - 0:14/3:37 Hardrocklover - 0:14/3:42 Stare - 0:14/3:45 When You Were Mine - 0:14/3:46 All A Share Together - 0:14/3:47 There's Something I Like About Being Your Fool - 0:14/3:49 Everybody Loves Me - 0:14/4:08 Lion of Judah - 0:14/4:10 If It'll Make U Feel Happy - 0:14/4:12 The Most Beautiful Girl in the World - 0:14/4:25 Soul Sanctuary - 0:14/4:41 The Arms of Orion - 0:14/5:03 S&M Groove - 0:14/5:07 Planet Earth - 0:14/5:51 . Had U - 0:15/1:26 Tangerine - 0:15/1:33 Make-Up - 0:15/2:26 I Would Die 4 U - 0:15/2:59 The Other Side of the Pillow - 0:15/3:21 Old Friends 4 Sale - 0:15/3:28 Girl - 0:15/3:48 Why You Wanna Treat Me So Bad? - 0:15/3:49 When Will We B Paid - 0:15/4:07 Partyup - 0:15/4:22 Mellow - 0:15/4:24 Private Joy - 0:15/4:28 I Pledge Allegiance to Your Love - 0:15/4:41 Joy in Repetition - 0:15/4:53 The Dance (3121) - 0:15/5:20 I Wanna Be Your Lover - 0:15/5:50 Just as Long as We're Together - 0:15/6:25 Do Me, Baby - 0:15/7:44 . Dinner With Delores - 0:16/2:46 Soft and Wet - 0:16/3:05 Act of God - 0:16/3:13 Tell Me How U Wanna Be Done - 0:16/3:15 New World - 0:16/3:43 Free Urself - 0:16/3:47 Graffiti Bridge - 0:16/3:51 When 2 R in Love - 0:16/3:59 Rocknroll Loveaffair - 0:16/4:01 Breakdown - 0:16/4:04 The Dance - 0:16/4:45 Loveleft, Loveright - 0:16/5:00 Uptown - 0:16/5:29 Peace - 0:16/5:32 The Daisy Chain - 0:16/6:12 Sleep Around - 0:16/7:42 . Arrogance - 0:17/1:35 I Wish U in Heaven - 0:17/2:48 Life Can Be So Nice - 0:17/3:13 Dionne - 0:17/3:13 Wonderful Day - 0:17/3:47 Cinnamon Girl - 0:17/3:56 2 Whom It May Concern - 0:17/4:00 Sweet Baby - 0:17/4:01 Supercute - 0:17/4:13 Money Don't Grow on Trees - 0:17/4:19 Vavoom - 0:17/4:35 Nothing Compares 2 U - 0:17/4:39 High - 0:17/5:05 Girls & Boys - 0:17/5:29 Baby You're A Trip - 0:17/5:51 Wouldn't You Love to Love Me? - 0:17/5:56 Get Yo Groove On - 0:17/6:31 Positivity - 0:17/7:11 . The Morning After - 0:18/2:11 Tamborine - 0:18/2:44 Manic Monday - 0:18/2:51 Last Heart - 0:18/3:01 Jack U Off - 0:18/3:09 Fallinlove2nite - 0:18/3:12 Fury - 0:18/4:02 Don't Say U Love Me - 0:18/4:20 Now - 0:18/4:30 Don't Let Him Fool Ya - 0:18/4:34 Ripopgodazippa - 0:18/4:38 Jealous Girl v2 - 0:18/4:52 Jughead - 0:18/4:57 Little Red Corvette - 0:18/4:58 Witness 4 The Prosecution v2 - 0:18/5:02 Daddy Pop - 0:18/5:17 I Need A Man - 0:18/5:33 Trouble - 0:18/5:36 Eye Hate U - 0:18/5:53 Ain't Gonna Miss U When U're Gone - 0:18/6:01 Purple Rain - 0:18/8:40 Come - 0:18/11:13 . Lavaux - 0:19/3:03 Man in a Uniform - 0:19/3:07 I Feel for You - 0:19/3:24 Forever in My Life - 0:19/3:30 Katrina's Paper Dolls - 0:19/3:30 My Love is Forever - 0:19/4:11 Horny Pony v2 - 0:19/4:21 You're My Love - 0:19/4:23 Prettyman - 0:19/4:24 Goodbye - 0:19/4:34 Money Don't Matter 2 Night - 0:19/4:47 U're Gonna C Me - 0:19/5:16 Damned If Eye Do - 0:19/5:21 Adonis and Bathsheba - 0:19/5:27 We Can Funk - 0:19/5:28 Schoolyard - 0:19/7:11 She Spoke 2 Me - 0:19/8:20 . Gotta Broken Heart Again - 0:20/2:16 X's Face - 0:20/2:38 The Lubricated Lady - 0:20/2:39 Jungle Love - 0:20/3:03 Boyfriend - 0:20/3:08 It Be's Like That Sometimes - 0:20/3:19 Ain't About 2 Stop - 0:20/3:38 New Power Generation - 0:20/3:39 Crimson and Clover - 0:20/3:51 Boytrouble - 0:20/3:53 Compassion - 0:20/3:55 The Question of U - 0:20/3:59 Tip O' My Tongue - 0:20/4:08 Love and Sex - 0:20/4:11 Silicon - 0:20/4:15 What Do U Want Me 2 Do? - 0:20/4:15 Chaos and Disorder - 0:20/4:19 Life 'O' the Party - 0:20/4:29 Blue Light - 0:20/4:38 The Voice - 0:20/4:42 Anna Stesia - 0:20/4:57 Willing and Able - 0:20/5:00 Hide the Bone - 0:20/5:03 Beginning Endlessly - 0:20/5:27 When the Dawn of the Morning Comes - 0:20/6:16 Northside - 0:20/6:31 . Crazy You - 0:21/2:17 Shut This Down - 0:21/3:03 Reflection - 0:21/3:04 Baby - 0:21/3:10 Face Down - 0:21/3:17 Sexual Suicide - 0:21/3:39 Strange Relationship - 0:21/4:01 Silver Tongue - 0:21/4:22 Trust - 0:21/4:24 The Work, Pt. 1 - 0:21/4:28 3121 - 0:21/4:31 My Computer - 0:21/4:37 Sticky Like Glue - 0:21/4:46 Crucial - 0:21/5:06 My Tender Heart - 0:21/5:06 When We're Dancing Close and Slow - 0:21/5:19 Dear Michaelangelo - 0:21/5:22 Acknowledge Me - 0:21/5:27 Beautiful, Loved and Blessed - 0:21/5:43 Love 2 the 9's - 0:21/5:44 Bold Generation - 0:21/5:53 Get On the Boat - 0:21/6:11 Last December - 0:21/7:57 . New Position - 0:22/2:20 Interactive - 0:22/3:03 The Truth - 0:22/3:33 Do It All Night - 0:22/3:41 Elephants and Flowers - 0:22/3:54 Love... Thy Will Be Done - 0:22/4:07 2morrow - 0:22/4:13 Gett Off - 0:22/4:32 Props'N'Pounds - 0:22/4:35 1010 (Rin Tin Tin) - 0:22/4:42 Standing at the Altar - 0:22/4:49 The Sun, The Moon and Stars - 0:22/5:16 (There'll Never B) Another Like Me - 0:22/6:02 . She Loves Me 4 Me - 0:23/2:49 Sex Shooter - 0:23/3:06 Look At Me, Look At U - 0:23/3:27 Pope - 0:23/3:29 Raspberry Berret - 0:23/3:33 Love Like Jazz - 0:23/3:49 Breakfast Can Wait - 0:23/3:55 La, La, La Means I Love You - 0:23/3:59 The Future - 0:23/4:07 Horny Pony - 0:23/4:19 Annie Christian - 0:23/4:21 Train - 0:23/4:22 It's About That Walk - 0:23/4:25 Mr. Goodnight - 0:23/4:26 The One U Wanna C - 0:23/4:29 Hold Me - 0:23/4:36 Eggplant - 0:23/5:18 In This Bed Eye Scream - 0:23/5:40 All the Critics Love U in New York - 0:23/5:56 Rearrange - 0:23/6:11 Pink Cashmere - 0:23/6:15 . I Wonder U - 0:24/1:39 Everybody Want What They Don't Got - 0:24/2:08 Christopher Tracy's Parade - 0:24/2:11 Courtin' Time - 0:24/2:46 Papa - 0:24/2:48 Curious Child - 0:24/2:57 With You - 0:24/4:00 Something in the Water (Does Not Compute) - 0:24/4:01 Glasscutter - 0:24/4:40 Head - 0:24/4:42 Dance On - 0:24/3:44 How Come U Don't Call Me Anymore - 0:24/3:53 Running Game (Son of a Slave Master) - 0:24/4:05 Wall of Berlin - 0:24/4:16 Undisputed - 0:24/4:20 Muse 2 the Pharaoh - 0:24/4:21 Shy - 0:24/5:03 It's Gonna Be Lonely - 0:24/5:30 Billy Jack Bitch - 0:24/5:31 Cosmic Day - 0:24/5:39 Sexmesexmenot - 0:24/5:40 18 & Over - 0:24/5:40 Superfunkycalifragisexy - 0:24/5:58 Cindy C - 0:24/6:18 Gold - 0:24/7:22 . Horny Toad - 0:25/2:13 319 - 0:25/3:05 And God Created Woman - 0:25/3:18 She's Always in My Hair - 0:25/3:27 Check the Record - 0:25/3:28 Tick, Tick, Bang - 0:25/3:31 Promise To Be True - 0:25/3:38 I Love U in Me - 0:25/4:13 Darling Nikki - 0:25/4:14 Wow - 0:25/4:28 The Song of the Heart - 0:25/4:36 Strays of the World - 0:25/5:06 U Make My Sun Shine - 0:25/7:05 Automatic - 0:25/9:24 . Loose! - 0:26/3:26 2 Y. 2 D. - 0:26/3:49 U Know - 0:26/3:56 Skip to My You My Darling - 0:26/3:57 A Million Days - 0:26/3:50 Movie Star - 0:26/4:25 Power Fantastic - 0:26/4:45 Electric Intercourse - 0:26/4:57 The Ladder - 0:26/5:28 Blanche - 0:26/5:36 Hot Thing - 0:26/5:40 Push - 0:26/5:53 Everyday is a Winding Road - 0:26/6:11 United States of Division - 0:26/6:18 Ol' Skool Company - 0:26/7:30 Shockadelica - 0:26/3:31 . New Power Generation pt. II - 0:27/2:57 Madrid 2 Chicago - 0:27/3:14 Stopthistrain - 0:27/3:41 Whitecaps - 0:27/3:43 Peach - 0:27/3:48 Vicki Waiting - 0:27/4:52 Cause and Effect - 0:27/5:00 The Beautiful Ones - 0:27/5:13 Our Destiny/Roadhouse Garden - 0:27/6:25 2045: Radical Man - 0:27/6:34 Internarional Lover - 0:27/6:36 Time - 0:27/6:49 Joint 2 Joint - 0:27/7:52 Days of Wild - 0:27/9:18 . Betcha By Golly Wow! - 0:28/3:31 Te Amo Corazón - 0:28/3:35 Eye Love U, But Eye Don't Trust U Anymore - 0:28/3:36 Mountains - 0:28/3:57 Still Waiting - 0:28/4:28 Calhoun Square - 0:28/4:46 Da, Da, Da - 0:28/5:15 Stand Up and B Strong - 0:28/5:18 F.U.N.K. - 0:28/7:36 The Everlasting Now - 0:28/8:18 . Yes - 0:29/2:56 Martika's Kitchen - 0:29/4:21 Magnificent - 0:29/4:36 One Day We Will All B Free - 0:29/4:41 Guitar - 0:29/3:45 U Got the Look - 0:29/3:47 Erotic City - 0:29/3:55 Can't Stop This Feeling I Got - 0:29/4:24 Paisley Park - 0:29/4:41 Future Baby Mama - 0:29/4:47 This Could Be Us - 0:29/5:12 Walkin' In Glory - 0:29/5:14 Turn It Up - 0:29/5:23 The Greatest Romance Ever Sold - 0:29/5:33 The Sacrifice of Victor - 0:29/5:40 . Partyman - 0:30/3:11 Here On Earth - 0:30/3:23 Tictactoe - 0:30/3:38 Melody Cool - 0:30/3:39 The Ballad of Dorothy Parker - 0:30/3:55 Lauriann - 0:30/4:15 Sign 'O' The Times - 0:30/5:02 Dreamer - 0:30/5:30 Can I Play With U? - 0:30/6:39 Style - 0:30/6:40 . Ronnie, Talk to Russia - 0:31/1:57 Fixurlifeup - 0:31/3:12 Welcome 2 the Dawn - 0:31/3:17 Take Me With U - 0:31/3:54 Electric Chair - 0:31/4:08 No More Candy 4 U - 0:31/4:12 Emancipation - 0:31/4:13 Rock 'N' Roll is Alive! (And It Lives in Minneapolis) - 0:31/4:34 Right the Wrong - 0:31/4:39 Saviour - 0:31/5:48 Hey U - 0:31/6:10 I Can't Make U Love Me - 0:31/6:37 Controversy - 0:31/7:13 . Baby Knows - 0:32/3:18 So Far, So Pleased - 0:32/3:24 Hot Summer - 0:32/3:32 Pop Life - 0:32/3:43 Delirious - 0:32/3:59 The Word - 0:32/4:11 Cream - 0:32/4:13 1000 X's and O's - 0:32/4:27 Poom Poom - 0:32/4:32 Gigolos Get Lonely Too - 0:32/4:41 The Cross - 0:32/4:45 Free - 0:32/5:08 Shhh - 0:32/7:17 . Laydown - 0:33/3:06 In Love - 0:33/3:37 Emale - 0:33/3:38 This Could B Us - 0:33/4:10 Love and Sex - 0:33/5:00 Play in the Sunshine - 0:33/5:05 Still Would Stand All Time - 0:33/5:23 The Continental - 0:33/5:31 Bob George - 0:33/5:39 When Doves Cry - 0:33/5:53 Gangster Glam - 0:33/6:05 Le Grind - 0:33/6:47 Lady Cab Driver - 0:33/8:16 . Wherever U Go, Whatever U Do - 0:34/3:17 Dig U Better Dead - 0:34/3:59 Sexy Dancer - 0:34/4:18 Alice Through the Looking Glass - 0:34/4:18 Get Blue - 0:34/4:43 Dark - 0:34/6:10 Adore - 0:34/6:31 Feel U Up - 0:34/6:42 Purple Music - 0:34/10:58 . Black Sweat - 0:35/3:11 Underneath the Cream - 0:35/3:59 Y Should Eye Do That When Eye Can Do This - 0:35/4:31 Clouds - 0:35/4:34 Streetwalker - 0:35/4:48 Letitgo - 0:35/5:32 Chelsea Rodgers - 0:35/5:41 Love - 0:35/5:45 . Around the World in a Day - 0:36/3:28 Vagina - 0:36/3:28 Sea of Everything - 0:36/3:49 Diamonds and Pearls - 0:36/4:45 Here - 0:36/5:15 Hypnoparadise - 0:36/6:03 We Can Fuck - 0:36/10:17 . Yah, You Know - 0:37/3:10 Anotherloverholenyohead - 0:37/4:00 Scarlet Pussy - 0:37/4:19 Colonized Mind - 0:37/4:48 Future Soul Song - 0:37/5:08 Welcome 2 America - 0:37/5:23 Jam of the Year - 0:37/6:10 . Baltimore - 0:38/4:33 Somebody's Somebody - 0:38/4:43 3rd Eye - 0:38/4:53 I'm Yours - 0:38/5:02 Groovy Potential - 0:38/6:16 Black Muse - 0:38/7:21 . When She Comes - 0:39/3:45 Animal Kingdom - 0:39/4:01 Sexuality - 0:39/4:19 So Blue - 0:39/4:30 The Human Body - 0:39/5:42 The Last Dance (Bang Pow Zoom And The Whole Nine) - 0:39/5:36 Do Yourself A Favor - 0:39/9:00 . Under the Cherry Moon - 0:40/2:56 Dirty Mind - 0:40/4:13 Irresistible Bitch - 0:40/4:13 Dear Mr. Man - 0:40/4:14 Bambi - 0:40/4:23 Emotional Pump - 0:40/4:59 Lovesexy - 0:40/5:49 Scandalous - 0:40/6:15 . Zannalee - 0:41/2:43 A Place in Heaven - 0:41/2:57 Endorphinmachine - 0:41/4:06 Funknroll (Art Official Age) - 0:41/4:08 Funknroll - 0:41/4:10 Rebirth of the Flesh - 0:41/5:28 The Dance Electric - 0:41/11:29 . Avalanche - 0:42/4:24 Race - 0:42/4:28 Xtralovable - 0:42/5:00 If I Was Your Girlfriend - 0:42/5:01 Somewhere Here on Earth - 0:42/5:45 Wonderful Ass - 0:42/6:24 . Computer Blue - 0:43/3:59 17 Days - 0:43/4:00 The Max - 0:43/4:30 Right Back Here In My Arms - 0:43/4:43 Better with Time - 0:43/4:53 1000 Light Years From Here - 0:43/5:46 . One Nite Alone... - 0:44/3:37 Open Book - 0:44/4:59 Live 4 Love - 0:44/6:59 . Million $ Show - 0:45/3:10 June - 0:45/3:21 The Glamorous Life - 0:45/4:11 When She Comes - 0:45/4:46 Beautiful Strange - 0:45/4:56 Born 2 Die - 0:45/5:03 P. Control - 0:45/5:59 Possessed (1984) - 0:45/7:56 . Golden Parachute - 0:46/5:35 Possessed (1982) - 0:46/8:47 . She Gave Her Angels - 0:47/3:52 Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic - 0:47/4:19 Baby I'm A Star - 0:47/4:24 . Let's Work - 0:48/3:55 The Ball - 0:48/4:34 Friend, Lover, Sister, MotheWife - 0:48/7:37 . Spirit - 0:49/4:32 My Medallion - 0:49/5:07 . America - 0:50/3:45 Space - 0:50/4:28 The Gold Standard - 0:50/5:53 1999 - 0:50/6:15 . Young and Beautiful - 0:51/2:44 God - 0:51/4:02 Let's Pretend We're Married - 0:51/7:18 Temptation - 0:51/8:20 . 100 MPH - 0:52/3:30 The Ride - 0:52/5:13 . One of Us - 0:53/5:19 . Love or $ - 0:54/6:55 . All My Dreams - 0:55/7:24 . Digital Garden - 0:56/4:07 It's Gonna Be a Beautiful Night - 0:56/9:01 . D.M.S.R. - 0:57/8:17 . Pain - 0:58/5:57 . Art Official Cage - 1:00/3:41 We March - 1:00/4:49 . Insatiable - 1:01/6:39 . Revelation - 1:03/5:21 . Fascination - 1:04/4:55 Big City - 1:04/6:25 . Pheromone - 1:11/5:08 My Name is Prince - 1:11/6:38 . 1+1+1 is 3 - 1:16/5:17 . Eye No - 1:22/5:46 . Rainbow Children - 1:27/10:03 . Sometimes It Snows in April - 1:33/6:48 . Crystal Ball - 1:34/10:27 . Hello - 1:59/6:19 . When the Lights Go Down - 2:33/7:11 . Condition of the Heart - 2:45/6:47 . Family Name - 3:01/8:16

Getting organized to sit down and write a major term paper is such a daunting task for us folks with ADHD. As a student I would have vague ideas of what I want to write, but lacked the executive function to get to the job done. I would stare at a blank Word doc, type a sentence, delete a sentence, repeat. Unexpected for a writing major, I know. Are you looking for a way to break out of this cycle?
May I present: the Index Card Method.
As a high school student in the 1990s, I was forced to use this method to write a ten page senior thesis. Nearly all senior level English classes in my school used this method. Prior to that year, I had seen students carrying around fat stacks of index cards, protecting them like their ability to graduate depended on them. It did. I begrudgingly followed this methodical approach even though it wasn't "the way I write." Ironically, I found it so helpful I continued using this method throughout college, and admittedly even in grad school 25 years later.
What is it?
It's a low-tech system of organizing your sources, topics, details, citations, and anything else that goes into your paper.
Why low-tech?
It is a hands-on process loaded with sensory actions. Physically handling and arranging the index cards helps me focus on a task. Filling out an index card and setting it aside and then picking up another FEELS productive. Seeing a growing pile of index cards as you move through the project LOOKS like productivity. These sensory activities boost my momentum.
The best part of this method is how it breaks down a mountain of a project into smaller tasks without requiring me to create a big plan before I can start working on it. The size of each task is literally the size of an index card. Plus, it is an opportunity to use those cool pens you bought the last time you said you would start journaling.
The Index Card Method cannot be done the night before a paper is due, at least I wouldn't try it anyway. If you don't like writing outlines or drafts, give this method a try - but if you're cramming, do give yourself a week to get it done.
How does it work?

Step 1: Cards

Get some 3x5 index cards. For a 10-page, double spaced paper, you will need around 300 cards.
Do not get 150 4x6 cards. They must be 3x5.
For this post, I will assume anyone following this method is using lined index cards. It does not matter if the cards are lined, but know that when I say "On the top line write..." I mean where the actual top line of the card would be. This also means you will be writing across width of the cards in landscape orientation, meaning a full line of text on a 3x5 card runs 5 inches, not 3 inches.
There are two simple, but vital rules to remember when creating cards.

Only write on one side of the card. Leave the other side blank. You will need to see all of a card's contents at a quick glance.
If you make a mistake on a card, immediately tear it in half so it doesn't get mixed up with the ones you want to keep.

Step 2: Thesis card

You will only have a thesis card if you are writing a thesis (argument) paper.
In the center of the top line of your thesis card, write "Thesis Statement."
Now write your thesis statement below that.

Step 3: Topic cards

In the center of the top line write "Topic." Below that, write the name of a topic related to your thesis statement.
Topics should be broad, written as one or two words. Create as many topic cards as you think you will need. You can always create more later, so don't get stuck on this part.
Example: topics related to a thesis on the healthcare industry may include: Insurance, Costs, Medicare, Medicaid, Prevention, Prescription Drugs, Hospitals, etc.

Step 4: First Layout

Spread out your topic cards on a table. Select the broadest topics and line them up in a row in the order in which you would like them in your paper. Now arrange the narrower topics in columns below the broad topics in the order that makes sense to you. Using the example of the healthcare industry in the previous step, "Costs" may be a broad topic with "Insurance" and "Prescription Drugs" listed beneath it.
Split a topic if you need to. "Costs" could also be split into "Consumer Costs" and "National Costs", then "Insurance" and "Prescription Drugs".
Don't expect to have a lot of topic cards at this point. You may only have one or two subtopics for each broad topic. This is fine. You can always add more as you go along.
Take a picture of your topic cards in this arrangement.
Congratulations, you just made an outline!
Now type it out. Title it "Preliminary Outline."

Step 5: Sources

Go find sources you would like to use for your paper. When you find a source you would like to use, create a bibliography card.

Step 6: Bibliography cards

In the center of the top line write "Bibliography".
In the upper left hand corner of the card on the top line, write the number "1", as it is your first Bibliography card. This is your source ID.
Now write the complete and proper reference of your source, formatted according to your citation style. Include doi links, if applicable. Where italic font is used in a citation, underline it on your card.
Open a new document file. Title it "References", "Works Cited", etc., depending on your citation style. Type out your bibliography cards in the order appropriate to your citation style. Most likely they will be alphabetical by author. As you find more sources and write out bibliography cards, add them to this document.
About citation styles:
A citation style is a way to reference your sources, specifically how you list them out and how you identify where you found a fact or quote.
If you are in highschool, your teacher will tell you how to write write and format sources and citations. If they don't, ask.
If you are an undergrad, most professors don't care which style you choose, but they want it consistent. If this is the case, I recommend using APA or MLA because they use simple, in-line citations.
If you are a graduate student, use the appropriate style for your field. If your reference style uses foot notes or end notes, please be aware you may need to create citation IDs later to help you stay organized.

Step 7: Read and Highlight

As you read through your sources, highlight anything that stands out to you that you may want to use in your paper.
This is where I would normally say it does not matter if your sources are printed or digital, but for many of us it does matter. Stepping away from technology is one the reasons I find this method so effective. I encourage you to print articles or photocopy sources when possible.
Your school likely has access to full-text articles online that can be downloaded as PDFs and printed later.
If your source is text from a website, right click on in the body of the text and select Print. When the print window pops up, select PDF (or Adobe PDF) as your printer. In the next pop up, select where you would like to store your file. Your source is now saved as a PDF. By the way, printing to a PDF is the easiest way to save a file while maintaining its formatting. Try it from any program. Now when you print it to paper, it will look like the PDF.

STEP 8: Detail cards

In the center of the top line write the topic related to the highlighted text. If you do not have a related topic card, make one.
In the upper left corner on the top line, write the source ID that matches the one on its respective bibliography card.
In the upper right corner on the top line of each card write the page number(s) from your source as "p 87" or "pp 87-88". If your source does not have page numbers, write your source's equivalent as it applies (act/scene numbers, time stamp, etc.). Look up a style reference guide for requirements.
Now in your own words, write about an area you highlighted. If you want to directly quote the article, make sure you use quotation marks. Otherwise, simply paraphrase it. Use complete sentences.
If you are copying a long quote and run out of room on a card, write the topic, source ID, and page number on another new card and continue writing your quote. In the bottom right corners write "1 of 2" and "2 of 2" respectively.
Create bibliography and detail cards for all your sources. Find more sources as needed. For a 10-page double spaced paper, expect to have around 150-200 detail cards.

Step 9: Second Layout

Lay out all of your topic cards in the same order as your preliminary outline, only this time line them all up in one row.
By this time you may also want to combine or eliminate topics because your project took a different direction from when you first wrote them. This is fine.
When you think you have enough detail cards, sort them into piles by topic. Now arrange your detail cards in columns under their topics in a way that makes sense to you.
Take a picture of all your cards in this arrangement.
Congratulations, you just layed out your final outline!

Step 10: Type Your Outline

Save a copy of your preliminary outline and title it "Final Outline." Fill in the text from the detail cards. Each detail card should be a separate bullet point on your outline. After typing out a detail card, add the citation at the end. You already know the source because you wrote the source number in the upper left hand corner of each card.
You should not have anything in your final outline that is not written down on an index card.

Step 11: First Draft

Save a copy of your final outline and name it "First Draft." Now arrange your bullet points into paragraphs. This is your draft.
Now print it . Proofread it. Ask a friend to proofread it. Mark it up and make any necessary changes on paper. Don't change any quoted text because quotes are ...well ...quotes.

Step 12: Final Copy

Save a copy of your First draft and name the file "Final Copy." Type the edits you handwrote on paper. I realize with today's technology a lot of proofreading and peer editing is done electronically. This is fine. If you're using Google Docs, be sure to use Suggestion Mode. If using Word, turn on Track Changes.
Your paper is done.
High school students, if your teacher doesn't think you've made enough changes between your draft and your final copy, hand over your stack of index cards, both outlines, and your highlighted sources. They will know you didn't use ChatGPT or copy someone else's work because you can't fake what you've just handed to them.
Edit: See my other post for a technique that harnesses your ADHD to help you organize a project or to present new ideas to a group.
https://www.reddit.com/TwoXADHD/s/Y4pUfQR0R3

“Before I met the Savior, I was a worthless piece of garbage, barely a human being,” Lovebug droned at the front of the enormous room. Lovebug was a monster of a man, two-hundred and fifty pounds of hard tattooed muscle. Like myself, he was a high-ranking member of the Church.
His flat gray eyes scanned the room with a fanatical gleam. I sat in the first row, watching and waiting. Followers of the Savior would tell their stories, how the Savior had reached down and lifted them out of sin and filth to bring them up to the divine. The bright fluorescent lights overhead droned on with a low hum. Thousands of men crammed together in seats or stood at the back of the room.
The Savior taught only two commandments: to murder is holy, and to die for the Savior is the highest bliss. An army of warriors followed the Savior, knights on a holy crusade, priests who wouldn’t hesitate to burn the foul bodies of any witches or demons we encountered. I thought of myself as a knight for the holy king, our Savior, the mouthpiece of the eternal.
“Now, it is like the hand of God has reached into my heart and loosened all the knots there, the knots of anxiety and fear and uncertainty.” He raised his black, military-style rifle into the air for emphasis. “I never realized the true nature of reality before- the fact that we are living in a simulation where the final battle of good versus evil is playing out before our very eyes. And I will be on the side of the good, until my dying breath. I will be on the side of the Savior and of God!”
The crowd roared and clapped. Men got to their feet, sweating heavily in the boiling hot conference room. I felt the surge of energy pass through me like a tidal wave, the pure confidence and iron will of truth. Lovebug lumbered down off the stage as the Savior came out from behind the red curtains, walking with the straight spine of a soldier. He wore a silky black robe that fluttered softly around him, the hood pulled back.
The Savior had horrific burns running the length of his body. His arms had melted folds of keloid scars visible all the way to the tips of his fingers. His scalp had also melted, and the Savior had no hair except for his eyelashes and eyebrows. But the fire that had nearly killed him had spared his face, an aristocratic visage with ferocious green eyes like those of a cat. That face seemed like it had been sculpted out of marble by DaVinci himself, the high cheekbones jutting out over a chin so sharp that it looked like it could have hammered nails into boards. He stared out at the crowd for a long moment, his gaze unblinking.
“The final battle has begun,” he said in a low voice, no more than a whisper. Yet, in the deathly silence of the hall, his words rang out loud and clear. “Those in charge of this illusory world know that we see them. We see them very well, how they hide behind the curtain. They control the world economy, the justice system. Every government, whether they call themselves communist, authoritarian or democratic, is no more than a puppet in their dancing fingers.
“When anyone tries to stand up and lead the masses of suffering people towards freedom from slavery, they are vilified by the mainstream media, brought up on false charges or killed, their bodies staged to look like a suicide. Look what they did to Jesus, and for what? For telling people to love God more than their rulers? And those who speak out today are also crucified, murdered in prisons or killed by their governments. Truth is the most precious commodity, after all. It is one that can only be purchased with blood.
“So what can we do? How can we fight against such evil?” There was a quiet muttering among the pale, frozen faces that stared up at the stage with adoration and love.
“We can fight it by using their own weapons against them!” the Savior said, his voice rising in speed and pitch. He raised his fisted hands to his chest, accentuating each syllable with a back and forth stab of his hands. “Fight fire with fire, and pay back blood with blood! The only thing these global terrorists understand is greater levels of force. We must show them death on a scale they have never before imagined.” I felt nervous as the Savior delivered his message. I saw other men shuffle anxiously in the crowded auditorium, most of them having high-caliber rifles slung around their shoulders.
I felt the rising violence and bloodlust in the air like electricity before a lightning storm. At that moment, I knew we would all have to fight before too long.
***
The Savior called me and Lovebug back to his office after the speech had ended, sending his squirrely assistant over to deliver the hand-written note in the Savior’s blocky, copperplate handwriting. For a long moment, I simply watched the crowd filtering out of the doors, heading back towards the complex where all the holy soldiers of the Savior lived. Feeling dissociated and light-headed, I followed behind the massive muscular form of Lovebug, the heavy weight of the M16 bouncing against my chest. We pushed through the blood-red velvet curtains, winding our way past stage equipment and down a hallway of pure marble.
Mystical paintings similar to those of Alex Grey covered both walls, showing the inside workings of the human body through art. It was as if the painter had X-ray vision and could see the heart chakra and the countless thin vessels that spiderwebbed up to the crown. But, unlike Alex Grey’s hopeful depictions of mysticism, these showed men and women being burned alive, crucified, decapitated or strangled. Dark colors composed the paintings: the dark blue of a suffocating face, the clotted red of an infected stab wound, the black of death. They captured the essence of struggle perfectly.
The Savior’s office had a thick mahogany door with silver engravings of leaves and vines running the length of it. At the top stood a single staring eye with twelve wavy tentacles emerging from the perimeter of it- the symbol of God, who the Savior had seen personally. God would sometimes speak through the mouth of the Savior, always during times of great tribulation or suffering. Lovebug knocked at the door. The Savior’s deep voice echoed out faintly.
“Come in.”
We entered slowly, the sprawling desk of the Savior filling half of the room. He sat in a comfortable chair behind it, reclining. On the walls behind him, he had pictures of Jesus, Saint Stephen, Gandhi, Hitler, Jim Jones, Shoko Asahara and others who he taught had fought against the world elites and been killed for it.
The Church of the Final Rapture was not a church in the conventional sense. The main teachings didn’t revolve around the divinity of Christ or the nature of original sin. What the Savior taught was far more profound- an illusory or simulated world where every single person could become their own Christ, could awaken to the truth and perform miracles, but only if they believed fully and followed the Savior.
“Sit down, please,” he said in his gravelly voice. “I have a mission I would like to discuss, and you two are the only ones competent and loyal enough to carry it out.”
***
“There is another anomaly spreading,” the Savior said, staring between me and Lovebug with his fanatical emerald eyes. “It is located in a rural part of the United States, in a town called-” he glanced down at the sheet of paper in front of him- “Frost Hollow. Supposedly, there are black-ops sites located nearby, secret alphabet agencies experimenting with magnetic distortion systems and creating rips in the fabric of spacetime with micro-wormholes.
“I don’t think it is much of a leap to say that the anomaly was likely started, either intentionally or unintentionally, by the government, as part of their research. The Cleaners would like to control that power, after all. They have been sending their men after it for years like sheep to the slaughter, expending billions of dollars researching it. If they and the US government end up being able to control the creation and spread of anomalies, they will use it to enslave the world. There is no question about it in my mind.” He leaned forwards towards us, his eyes growing cold.
“There is only one path forward I can see. We need to spread the anomaly, make it become unstable so the demons of Hell contained within it can spill out onto the real world. Perhaps it will awaken the downtrodden masses enough to begin the final revolution. We must fight terrorism with greater terrorism, and violence with greater levels of violence. For this mission, I am sending the two of you into Frost Hollow.
“Your job will be to find the Titan or Titans and lead them out to the border of the anomaly. These are horrendous beasts- indeed, the Church has seen them before. They are nearly impossible to kill. I want you two to go inside, bait it and have it follow you back to the edge, beyond the veil.”
“What’s a Titan?” Lovebug asked, his eyes flicking left and right nervously. The Savior stared at him stonily for a long moment. Then his eyes rolled back in his head, showing only the whites. All the blood seemed to drain from his face. His teeth chattered, his mouth opened, and through it, God spoke, the words pouring out like crashing stones. The voice did not sound anything like the Savior’s. It sounded much deeper, more mechanical, more alien somehow.
“I see you very well. I saw you when you were no more than a blood clot in your mother’s body. I see you even as corpses, rotted, putrefying, crawling with scavengers and insects. I see everything, every moment of time. But, in the anomaly, there are things I cannot see. For this, my holy ones must go forth.
“In the center of Hell, you will find a rose, a bird and a stone. These will be your salvation, if salvation can be found at all. Go with the blessing of Yaldabaoth.” The voice cut off abruptly, the silence deafening. I could hear my own heart pounding in my ears.
The Savior’s eyes came back down, looking confused and uncertain. His pupils were dilated and he was sweating heavily, even though it was cool and air-conditioned back here in his private office. We stared at each other across the table, a no-man’s land that protected me like a shield. For there seemed to be something dark in the Savior along with the light, and I didn’t know if any man could contain that power.
But there was no question of disobeying. Within the hour, Lovebug and I were on one of the Church’s private jets flying to the town of Frost Hollow.
***
The gently rolling hills of Frost Hollow loomed below us as the plane circled the small dirt airstrip in the middle of some cow farms. I looked up at Lovebug, trying to judge his stony expression. He had done many years in prison before joining the Church and finding salvation, even being the leader of one of the gangs. I knew he wasn’t afraid of violence. He had never told me what he did, what tortured him so much.
The Savior had told us much secret knowledge- how to find a Titan, a massive, bloated abomination that could come into being only within an anomaly, a combination of many rotted body pieces fused together in some sort of hellish black magic. The Savior had spies around Frost Hollow and the surrounding towns who had been monitoring the anomaly, watching the unstable gateways leading in and out and mapping them as best they could. We would be given a fast car, plenty of weapons and some body armor. I had no idea how nightmarish the journey would become, however.
“I’m driving,” Lovebug said as we descended the steps. A man in a black suit with the symbol of the eye and tentacles pinned on his black button-up shirt pulled up with a Mercedes AMG-One. It was a sleek, silver thing of immense luxury and power. The craftsmanship made it look like a work of art. I sighed, keeping my finger nervously on the trigger of my rifle as I glanced around the strange, empty town.
“If this thing won’t outrun a Titan, then nothing will,” I said, trying to break the tension. I looked at the speedometer, seeing it went up to 220 miles an hour.
“Damn fucking right,” Lovebug growled as we slid into the futuristic-looking leather seats. The engine turned on like a softly purring kitten. The GPS automatically turned on as well, the soft robotic voice leading us toward one of the more stable portals to the anomaly.
Lovebug sped down the empty forest roads of Frost Hollow, going twice the legal speed limit the entire way.
“The speed limit is only for the lowest common denominator,” Lovebug said pedantically, waggling a tattooed finger for emphasis. The GPS said we would reach the gateway to the anomaly in five minutes. Based on Lovebug’s speed, I thought it would be more like two. “Someone who actually knows how to drive and isn’t drunk or high can easily do 80 in a 40. Easily.” I glanced nervously at the speedometer, realizing he was going over 100 miles an hour now. The sports car hugged the tight corners of the winding forest roads with absolute precision.
“Turn right onto Snake Island Road Extension in five hundred feet,” the robotic female voice. Lovebug slammed on the brakes a few seconds later, the tires skidding and locking up. We looked around frantically, seeing no streets anywhere except the one we were on.
“What the hell?” Lovebug asked. The night was crawling in by now, the darkness covering the forests like a curtain. I squinted, looking at the thick grove of trees on our right, scanning it back and forth over and over. After a few seconds, I realized there was an overgrown dirt path there with no sign. It was nearly impossible to see at night, however, and calling it a road was somewhat of a joke.
“Oh, damn,” I said. “They should’ve given us an SUV.”
***
According to the GPS, our destination was only a thousand feet down Snake Island Road Extension. The low clearance of the Mercedes was a problem as Lovebug tried to navigate the flooded forest path. Deep tread marks flooded with black, stagnant water marked the entirety of Snake Island Road Extension. But ahead, the headlights illuminated something unusual.
Cutting straight across the trees and brush like a razorblade was a shimmering wall of translucent energy. It reminded me of a mirage, curving upwards in wavy spiral patterns. I could see through it easily, but it gave everything a dark, sinister covering. The forest seemed to be in constant motion as the grayish light distorted it.
“Look how huge it is!” I said in awe, staring up at the starry sky. The flat wall rose up seemingly forever, disappearing in the cold void of infinite space. Lovebug slowly ambled the car towards the anomaly, trying to keep the Mercedes from getting stuck with its low clearance.
“You ready for this, man?” Lovebug asked in a quavering voice as we inched towards the anomaly. It was only seconds away now. He grabbed my shoulder. “This is it. Remember the commandments.” I closed my eyes, concentrating my heart on the Savior’s words. Dying for the good is the highest bliss, he had told us.
“Let’s do this,” I said, my eyes flying open from my silent prayer as the hood passed through the anomaly. It disappeared in front of our eyes. We could see the forest on the other side, but the Mercedes looked like it was going through some sort of teleportation portal, being ripped apart layer by layer and sent somewhere else. Lovebug nervously grabbed my hand.
“For the Savior and for the Good,” he whispered as we passed through.
***
I heard screaming and wailing, full of agony and unimaginable horror, like the screams of those burning in Hell. My vision went white. A carpet of morphing dark colors covered everything as the shrieking intensified, until I thought my eardrums would explode.
“Stop!” I cried, feeling the pressure in my head like a splitting migraine. “Stop screaming!” I started kicking, punching, trying to get away.
“Calm the fuck down!” someone whispered, slapping me hard across the face. Stunned, I looked up, seeing Lovebug holding me down in the seat. He was covered in sweat, his face a blank mask of terror. “Don’t scream. There’s things outside that are looking this way.” I blinked fast, my senses coming back to me. I felt like a man waking up from surgery, confused and disoriented, my memories only returning in small trickles and drops.
We were sitting in the Mercedes on a road that looked like it had been made of human skin. The headlights showed the ragged patches of pale, leathery flesh sewn together with black thread. The road disappeared ahead of us in a straight line. The land here looked as flat as Kansas. Like a mirror world, it had houses and restaurants and churches lining both sides of the road, but they were all wrong.
The stone church looked like it was constructed of some kind of red volcanic rock. Baphomets and upside-down pentagrams covered the outer walls, engraved deeply into the glossy surface. Mutilated bodies covered the front lawn, impaled, crucified, skinned alive or burned at the stake. Hundreds of men, women and children lay dead in front of the Satanic temple.
Overhead, the sky bubbled and frothed with red clouds and constant explosions of blue lightning. Like missile flashes, the lightning illuminated the world around us, shining brightly before going dark. The incessant strobing gave the entire place a kind of circus freakshow vibe.
Many of the homes looked like they had been constructed from bones and covered in human skin, like some sort of hellish teepee. Arm and leg bones wrapped in razor-wire formed the pillars. Grinning skulls lined the top of the flat, rectangular roofs, thousands of bleached human heads staring down.
Staring out of the dark doorways, I saw gleaming, silvery eyes. They loomed eight or nine feet in the air on spidery bodies. Their limbs looked as thin as bones, jet-black and dull. The only color from these still revenants was from their unblinking eyes and grinning mouths, where teeth like those of a dragonfish jutted out. Every pair of eyes on that street was fixed intently on the Mercedes, the sick rictus grins on their alien faces never faltering.
“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling weak. “I thought I was in a nightmare for a minute there.” Lovebug shrugged his massive shoulders.
“Yeah, I felt it too, though I came out of it a lot faster than you did,” he said, glancing over at the Satanic church as we passed. It had protective black spikes rising high into the air all around it. The broken body of a child who had been burnt at the stake stood in front of the gates like a death omen, his small, withered hand holding a black rose. Lovebug choked, retching. He nearly rolled down the window, until his eyes met the silvery ones of a nearby abomination.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking closer at the church. On top of the roof, I saw an enormous statue of a black raven, its wings spread as if it were flying. It had three gleaming, silvery eyes embedded into the dark rock.
“That boy just reminds me of my son,” Lovebug whispered glumly, inching along the streets.
“I didn’t know you had a son,” I said, surprised. Lovebug had never mentioned a family. He shrugged.
“I don’t. Not anymore. I killed him. I got drunk and high one night back when I was selling drugs. Fell asleep in the living room with a lit cigarette and burned down the whole house. I killed my wife and son, burned them. They sent me to prison, but what did that matter? The prison up here is far worse.” He tapped the side of his temple.
I was about to say something, but at that moment, many things happened at once.
***
Lovebug was staring at the corpse of the child when an inhumanly long arm reached up from the side of the car. It had fingers like spikes, as sharp as a knife and twice as long as normal human fingers. I gasped, a warning shout welling up in my throat, but the hand came smashing down into the driver’s side window and grabbed Lovebug’s neck.
The window exploded in a shower of safety glass, shattering like brittle bones. Lovebug’s scream was cut off as he was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the car. I swung open my door, leaping out and bringing my rifle around.
The Cheshire Cat grin of the abomination never faltered as it held Lovebug in front of its body like a human shield, holding him by the neck above the ground. Lovebug’s legs kicked and squirmed, his face turning blue as he slowly suffocated. His eyes bulged from their sockets, panicked and rolling, uncomprehending in their total animal panic.
I flicked on the laser sight. It danced over the ground, flashing over the body of Lovebug and the abomination. But I couldn’t aim for its torso or face, as I would probably hit Lovebug in the process. It was far too close.
I aimed for the monster’s thin, skeletal feet, the black toes twisting over each other like the roots of a tree. The gunshots rang out as a deafening counterpoint to the thunder blasts.
The monster gave a hissing gurgle as two bullets caught it in the right ankle. The creature seemed bloodless, and only dust and ashes rolled out of the exploded insectile flesh. It tried to skitter away, but its destroyed ankle caused it to fall forward, throwing Lovebug.
His body rolled across the road, the soft leather that looked like it was made from tens of thousands of human skins. Gasping, his lips still showing a faint blue cast, he struggled to crawl away.
I saw furtive movement from all around us. The creatures in the houses and doorways were moving forwards, drawn by the bloodshed or noise. Hundreds of glowing, silvery eyes surrounded us. I sprinted forward, dragging Lovebug to his feet.
“The church,” I hissed. “It’s the only place.” Still pulling the weak, confused Lovebug behind me, we staggered towards the black gates. They opened with a shriek of rusted metal.
***
The creatures stopped at the gates to the blood-red church, simply staring at us like statues. They didn’t even seem to breathe, their lidless eyes never blinking, the silvery glow never fading.
“I think this is the place we’re meant to go,” I whispered as we made our way towards the massive pointed doors. “When God spoke to us, he said something about a stone, a bird and a rose, that we would find the Titan through that.” I pointed back at the burnt body of the boy. “He’s holding a rose. On top of the building, there’s a bird. And the church is all stone. Maybe this is the place where God wanted us to go all along.”
“Maybe,” Lovebug muttered through heaving gasps, still grabbing at his bruised neck. “God, this hurts. It feels like I got hanged.” Side by side, we pushed open the doors to the Satanic church and walked inside.
***
Row after row of pews stretched out in front of us. Thousands of black candles were set up all around the perimeter of the enormous chamber. They sputtered and flickered constantly, throwing dancing shadows in every direction.
A small pair of bright eyes glanced up at us from under one of the nearby pews. I nearly jumped out of my skin, pointing the rifle at them and yelling.
“Show yourself! Come out now, or I shoot!” Lovebug looked at me, confused. He hadn’t seen it. But a few heartbeats later, a little girl crawled out, her eyes big and blue, her body an emaciated wreck. She wore ripped strands of what looked like leathery human skin to cover herself, tied together with black string. In one small, grime-streaked hand, she held a half-eaten raw mouse.
“Please, don’t kill me,” she said in a small voice. “I’m Emma. My mommy and daddy got dragged away and I’m scared.” I felt sick and weak looking at this small victim. I reached down and helped her up.
“I wouldn’t hurt you,” I said, kneeling down to her level. “I thought you were one of the bad guys. This is Lovebug, and I’m Jack.”
“This isn’t part of the mission, man,” Lovebug said nervously. “What are we supposed to do with her?”
“Well, we can’t just fucking leave her here,” I whispered back. “We need…” But I never got to finish that thought. Because, at that moment, the church woke up.
***
A red glow started at the front of the chamber, the altar where the priest would have stood and given speeches or holy communion. Here, they had a podium that looked like it was carved from a single block of obsidian. Reflected in it, I saw the screaming faces of people burning in Hell, grinning demons ripping off strips of human flesh and spiraling waves of flames, all sculpted by an artist who was able to capture the most miniscule details of agony and torture.
I looked around, realizing Emma had gone. I hadn’t seen her scurry away and hide, but her absence gave me a feeling of crushing dread in my chest.
“Lovebug, something’s wrong,” I whispered, still staring up at the altar. I heard a floorboard creak behind me. I glanced back just in time to see a man wearing full SWAT gear. I caught the flash of a pistol coming down, the butt aimed at my forehead. I heard the cracking, felt the immense pressure and pain. For a few moments, I swam in the currents of consciousness, trying to stay awake, but then the blackness crept in and stole me away.
***
I awoke suddenly, my hands tied so tightly behind my back that I couldn’t feel my fingers. I felt sick and wanted to throw up. I quickly choked those feelings back down. I tried to shake my head, to clear it, but that just brought jolts of pain like electricity shooting through my skull. Nearby, I heard a gunshot, then another.
“Bring it, fuckers!” Lovebug screamed in an insane voice. The explosion of a grenade rocked the building, and I smelled choking black smoke. I opened my eyes, seeing three men in SWAT gear laying dead, their bodies scattered haphazardly around the chaotic scene. One wall of the church had blown outwards, the stone still sending out gray wisps of wavy smoke into the air. I looked at my partner, seeing he had a bullet hole in his left arm and another one in his stomach. He was bleeding heavily, but the adrenaline and insanity seemed to keep him afloat- for now, at least.
I saw something walking towards us from the stage. It looked like a small boy, but black shadows spiraled up around his chest and face, translucent and shimmering darkly. He looked about five or six, his skin pale and smooth. As Lovebug’s face grew slack and distant, the boy abruptly erupted into flames.
“Don’t kill me again, Dad,” the small boy whispered in a hoarse voice choked with pain. The flames rose from his head and skin, melting his flesh, blackening it. Drops of boiling fat dribbled off his nose and chin. “Don’t send me to the dark place again, Dad…” He continued creeping closer to Lovebug, moving like a lion stalking an antelope.
“I didn’t know!” Lovebug cried, his face going paler. Tears streamed from his eyes as the rifle trembled wildly in his shaking hands. For a long moment, he looked torn, the finger tightening on the trigger as sobs escaped his chattering lips.
“Kill it, Lovebug!” I screamed. “Don’t let it get to you!” But as he dropped the rifle and knelt before the small boy, I knew it was too late.
The shadows spun faster and faster around the burning, dying body of the boy. He gave a scream of soul-shattering agony, reaching out to a small hand towards Lovebug.
“Help me!” the boy cried. Lovebug hesitated before bringing an arm up to take the boy’s hand.
“I missed you, Robbie,” Lovebug said before his fingers brushed the boys. The boy lunged forward, grabbing Lovebug’s hand with an iron grip. I saw Lovebug’s eyes widen in shock and surprise. A moment later, I heard the bones in his hand grinding together before breaking with a sound like snapping tree branches. The boy’s eyes darkened into jet-black orbs, the melted lips splitting into a sadistic grin.
“I missed you, too,” the thing hissed as its right arm changed, melting and reforming into something black and blade-like. The insectile limb swung forward in a blur, coming straight at Lovebug’s heart. He gave a panicked squeal a moment before it hit, trying to pull away with all of his considerable strength, his face turning chalk-white as the shattered bones in his hands ground together.
I closed my eyes, rolling away, trying to undo the knots that held my hands in place. Lovebug must have been greatly outnumbered. He would never have let that man tie me up. I heard the sounds of tearing meat and crunching bone nearby. Lovebug’s final breaths gurgled through the air, but I still kept my eyes closed, not wanting to look.
I felt a small tickle on my wrists, then heard a little voice next to my ear.
“I’ll get you out of here,” Emma whispered. I waited a few moments, then I heard the ropes snap. I looked back, seeing her holding a piece of sharp, broken glass in one tiny hand. In her other, she had the car keys. I wondered how she had gotten them, the little pickpocket.
“Thank God,” I said, rubbing my wrists. I looked around for my rifle, seeing it was laying next to the body of one of the SWAT guys. I wondered who these men were. I crawled towards it slowly, not wanting to draw attention.
“Don’t move another step,” a voice growled behind me. I glanced back, seeing the small boy, his features morphing into those of a demon. Curving horns spiraled from his temples. His jet-black eyes stared down at me with hatred and coldness. “You’ll follow your friend who killed my servants. His soul will stay alive forever within my body, a sickly thing wrapped up in an eternal shriek.”
“Fuck you,” I cried, lunging for my rifle. Emma disappeared behind a pew, running on all fours without looking back. I spun as I hit the ground, turning the barrel towards the morphing face of the shape-shifter. Its jaw unhinged, a snake-like tongue flicking out as it flew through the air towards me. Hollow fangs dripping clear venom grew from its mouth in a heartbeat, elongating and sharpening before my very eyes.
I fired twice, the bullets entering through its mouth and coming out the back of its head. Its flesh disintegrated in an instant, the body turning into light, gray ashes that disappeared in the breeze. Breathing hard, I waited, wondering if it was all over.
I heard a rumbling far below me, as if an earthquake were starting. A moment later, the church floor exploded upwards, sharp rubble and splintered boards flying in every direction.
***
“It’s coming!” Emma screamed, running over and grabbing my hand. I lay there, shell-shocked and unmoving for a long moment. In hindsight, the girl was a natural born survivor with much sharper reflexes than me. It was likely the only reason she survived as long as she had.
“The Titan,” I whispered grimly, trying to pull myself up to my feet. But it was like trying to walk on a heaving, sinking ship. Parts of the floor collapsed down into a seemingly never-ending abyss beneath us.
Near the stage, I saw hundreds of long, pale arms pulling something bloated and monstrous out of the ground. It was a Titan, and no explanation can ever convey the true horror of that thing.
It looked like countless human corpses had been melted together, fused into a ball with sagging, boneless chests, deformed faces and millions of writhing maggots. It groaned and gurgled with many lungs, exhaling a rotting, sulfurous breeze that made me want to retch. A soft susurration of many pained, muttering voices continuously emanated from the Titan.
“Emma, run!” I screamed, but she was already sprinting back towards the front door of the church. I backpedaled, afraid to look away from the creeping monstrosity, the juggernaut of rotting flesh moving towards us.
I heard the Titan closing the distance as I sprinted through the front door. The abominations with the silver eyes still slunk around the gate, blocking the car. I raised the rifle, firing blindly at the creatures, careful not to hit the little girl.
“Go to the car!” I screamed at Emma, feeling around for the keys. As the abominations saw the Titan, those still alive scattered, moving in a blur back into the shadows and homes of this rotten place.
The Titan broke the front wall of the church, sending splinters of red stone flying in every direction like bullets. It groaned and gurgled faster, its sickly cries more insistent. I ran to the Mercedes, starting it up and pressing the accelerator to the floor. I pulled a U-turn, heading back to the border of the anomaly.
***
The engine roared, the car bucking like a wild stallion as it pressed me and Emma back into our seats. But the creeping Titan continued gaining speed behind us, and for a few seconds, I feared we would be crushed to death under its massive weight.
The anomaly shimmered ahead of us. I crashed through it at two hundred miles an hour, skidding wildly as the Mercedes hit the dirt road. I nearly flew into a tree. I managed to right it at the last second, pulling onto the paved street as the Titan broke through behind us.
It followed us out. It’s in the real world now.

Two questions in this. First question is for everyone, second question is for therapists.
This may be a silly request, but some of you might remember that meme a long time ago about the girl who made a PowerPoint outlining her mental health history/traumas for a therapist. Basically, it was implied she was sick of running through it over and over again so created the PP to make it easier. I actually want to do something like that, but not in powerpoint format. Has anyone made anything like this and have a .doc template that I could yoink? If not, I'll just figure out something myself, but I wanted to ask.
More backstory of why I want to do this (and a more therapist directed question as to my difficulties with therapy). Prepare yourself, this is long-winded:
I'm trying to find a new therapist for the 6th time in the last 2 years. I want to be able to send my history "resume" during a consultation so I'm not wasting my time with someone that doesn't meet my needs and can handle my therapy..."difficulties". I'm 40/f/cis/pan (from rural SC 🙃) in a het marriage with complex trauma from childhood abuse, MDD (but recently given a treatment resistant diagnosis), GAD, PTSD, ADHD, BED, extreme self-hatred, and BPD. Basically, an alphabet of mental illnesses that I'm sure can be condensed under one umbrella or another, but no one has yet. I wasn't diagnosed with anything, and on medication, until I was 25 (but I definitely had issues as early as 9 or 10 that I can remember). Unfortunately, I wasn't on medication consistently due to lack of insurance until 33. I also didn't know I had anything other than MDD and GAD until my mid 30s, and only recently was diagnosed with BPD (quiet and self-destructive subtypes) this past year. All of this to say, I didn't get the right help when I needed and had no clue about the different types of therapy approaches--particularly finding someone with experience in trauma. Anyway, once I figured that out (which was last year 😩), I still had a very hard time with therapists and therapy approaches (especially CBT). Here's the gist of my difficulties:

I have the hardest time wrapping my head around changing my behaviors to stop my brain from doing the things it does or feeling the way I do about myself. I get that behavior modification, affirmations, etc work for people, but I feel I can't "behavior modification" my way out of chemical imbalances and a brain rewired by childhood abuse. I have things I've figured out myself to try and mitigate my symptoms that I've learned are actually suggested as behavior modification strategies, but they're literally bandaids and haven't made a difference in my overall mental health. I'm also well aware my thoughts can be completely irrational, but I can't stop them from being that way--even when trying to consciously block them--because they're intrusive. Moreover, my self-hatred is so woven into my identity, it's part of my core beliefs--another thing I feel I can't just fix with behavior modification. I haven't had a therapist do core belief work with me and didn't know that was a thing until last year. Despite my feelings, I have given behavior modification a shot each time it's suggested and it's always felt ineffective and hokey.
During other parts of therapy (and this is the biggest thing, I think), I have problems not questioning the logic behind what the therapist is saying. Or asking questions and giving scenarios or saying "yeah, but..." I promise I'm not trying to be purposely difficult, but I can't always accept what they're saying at face value because there's so much grey area. Most of the time it feels like they're applying a standard/blanket "everybody" response to my personal situation when it feels like it doesn't fit. For example, when I was in an extremely low place this past year, a therapist told me I wasn't a bad person and didn't deserve the bad things that happened to me--which, let's be honest, sounds like a line straight out of the therapy 101 text book and didn't feel like it came from a genuine place. And while yeah, that's true (and good grief, I know that..no child/young adult deserves what I went through), I got really upset because I can have bad self-destructive tendencies at times (hello BPD). I said to them, "How do I not deserve the bad things I've brought on myself? Why can't I stop doing that? I've also now hurt another person in my self-destructive tornado when I've only hurt myself in the past. How does that not make me a bad person? I may not have meant to and it may have been a result of my illness, but I still did it. Where is the line drawn? At what point do I take responsibility and not blame my illness? Can I simultaneously not have meant to and be remorseful, but also be a bad person and deserve to be punished because I have seriously affected someone's life?**" They knew my story and why I was saying those things and didn't really have an answer for me. We had reached the end of our time and then didn't pick it back up next session even though I wanted to. Eventually, I picked up from their change in body language, distracted behavior in sessions, and switch from being warm and welcoming to cool and clinical in responses that they had become frustrated with me. I brought this up to them and they got defensive rather than talking through it with me. That told me all I needed to know so I didn't feel comfortable going back. That was my last therapist and the therapist I had gone to the longest (10 sessions over 9 weeks). Previous therapists, outside of 1 PHP program I was in last year, were only a handful of sessions before I dipped out. They all had their various issues that, for the most part, had nothing to do with my therapy difficulties.

I do think some of this stems from trust issues now that I've typed it out. Also, not believing them when they say certain things because I'm their client, so I don't feel like they care about me (I mean, why should they? I'm not their friend or family member). Or we haven't built enough rapport for me to feel it's genuine--let alone feel like they remember me from Adam's house cat session to session. I've had bad experiences with therapists in the past where I've spilled my guts very emotionally in one session, and in the next, they don't remember a thing I've said. I mean, they didn't even bother to read their notes from the previous session to give some semblance that they gave a crap. Granted, this particular instance was a free mental health center, so I'm sure they were overrun, but it kept me from trying therapy again for 10+ years. I've had a couple other therapists behave in a similar manner, just not as egregiously. Anyway, if anyone has any insight beyond what my thoughts are, I'm open to hearing them. Or advice on if should be upfront with therapists about my issues around therapy so they can be prepared (or would that skew the sessions?). My issues are definitely standing in the way of me getting any benefit out of therapy, but there's a small part of me wondering if there's a chance some of it is because I haven't found the right therapist yet.
**I felt the need to explain this. I didn't physically hurt anyone. I got myself and my husband into a terrible financial situation where we're both in significant debt and his credit is ruined along with mine. I didn't take loans or credit cards out in his name or anything, but I spent money we didn't have and let the situation spiral out of control when I couldn't get a handle on things. I was on medication that made me spend excessively (Abilify) and then ignored our bills piling up because I was overwhelmed by the mess I made. There's more to the story, but that's the CliffsNotes.
If you made it this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling mess.

“Before I met the Savior, I was a worthless piece of garbage, barely a human being,” Lovebug droned at the front of the enormous room. Lovebug was a monster of a man, two-hundred and fifty pounds of hard tattooed muscle. Like myself, he was a high-ranking member of the Church.
His flat gray eyes scanned the room with a fanatical gleam. I sat in the first row, watching and waiting. Followers of the Savior would tell their stories, how the Savior had reached down and lifted them out of sin and filth to bring them up to the divine. The bright fluorescent lights overhead droned on with a low hum. Thousands of men crammed together in seats or stood at the back of the room.
The Savior taught only two commandments: to murder is holy, and to die for the Savior is the highest bliss. An army of warriors followed the Savior, knights on a holy crusade, priests who wouldn’t hesitate to burn the foul bodies of any witches or demons we encountered. I thought of myself as a knight for the holy king, our Savior, the mouthpiece of the eternal.
“Now, it is like the hand of God has reached into my heart and loosened all the knots there, the knots of anxiety and fear and uncertainty.” He raised his black, military-style rifle into the air for emphasis. “I never realized the true nature of reality before- the fact that we are living in a simulation where the final battle of good versus evil is playing out before our very eyes. And I will be on the side of the good, until my dying breath. I will be on the side of the Savior and of God!”
The crowd roared and clapped. Men got to their feet, sweating heavily in the boiling hot conference room. I felt the surge of energy pass through me like a tidal wave, the pure confidence and iron will of truth. Lovebug lumbered down off the stage as the Savior came out from behind the red curtains, walking with the straight spine of a soldier. He wore a silky black robe that fluttered softly around him, the hood pulled back.
The Savior had horrific burns running the length of his body. His arms had melted folds of keloid scars visible all the way to the tips of his fingers. His scalp had also melted, and the Savior had no hair except for his eyelashes and eyebrows. But the fire that had nearly killed him had spared his face, an aristocratic visage with ferocious green eyes like those of a cat. That face seemed like it had been sculpted out of marble by DaVinci himself, the high cheekbones jutting out over a chin so sharp that it looked like it could have hammered nails into boards. He stared out at the crowd for a long moment, his gaze unblinking.
“The final battle has begun,” he said in a low voice, no more than a whisper. Yet, in the deathly silence of the hall, his words rang out loud and clear. “Those in charge of this illusory world know that we see them. We see them very well, how they hide behind the curtain. They control the world economy, the justice system. Every government, whether they call themselves communist, authoritarian or democratic, is no more than a puppet in their dancing fingers.
“When anyone tries to stand up and lead the masses of suffering people towards freedom from slavery, they are vilified by the mainstream media, brought up on false charges or killed, their bodies staged to look like a suicide. Look what they did to Jesus, and for what? For telling people to love God more than their rulers? And those who speak out today are also crucified, murdered in prisons or killed by their governments. Truth is the most precious commodity, after all. It is one that can only be purchased with blood.
“So what can we do? How can we fight against such evil?” There was a quiet muttering among the pale, frozen faces that stared up at the stage with adoration and love.
“We can fight it by using their own weapons against them!” the Savior said, his voice rising in speed and pitch. He raised his fisted hands to his chest, accentuating each syllable with a back and forth stab of his hands. “Fight fire with fire, and pay back blood with blood! The only thing these global terrorists understand is greater levels of force. We must show them death on a scale they have never before imagined.” I felt nervous as the Savior delivered his message. I saw other men shuffle anxiously in the crowded auditorium, most of them having high-caliber rifles slung around their shoulders.
I felt the rising violence and bloodlust in the air like electricity before a lightning storm. At that moment, I knew we would all have to fight before too long.
***
The Savior called me and Lovebug back to his office after the speech had ended, sending his squirrely assistant over to deliver the hand-written note in the Savior’s blocky, copperplate handwriting. For a long moment, I simply watched the crowd filtering out of the doors, heading back towards the complex where all the holy soldiers of the Savior lived. Feeling dissociated and light-headed, I followed behind the massive muscular form of Lovebug, the heavy weight of the M16 bouncing against my chest. We pushed through the blood-red velvet curtains, winding our way past stage equipment and down a hallway of pure marble.
Mystical paintings similar to those of Alex Grey covered both walls, showing the inside workings of the human body through art. It was as if the painter had X-ray vision and could see the heart chakra and the countless thin vessels that spiderwebbed up to the crown. But, unlike Alex Grey’s hopeful depictions of mysticism, these showed men and women being burned alive, crucified, decapitated or strangled. Dark colors composed the paintings: the dark blue of a suffocating face, the clotted red of an infected stab wound, the black of death. They captured the essence of struggle perfectly.
The Savior’s office had a thick mahogany door with silver engravings of leaves and vines running the length of it. At the top stood a single staring eye with twelve wavy tentacles emerging from the perimeter of it- the symbol of God, who the Savior had seen personally. God would sometimes speak through the mouth of the Savior, always during times of great tribulation or suffering. Lovebug knocked at the door. The Savior’s deep voice echoed out faintly.
“Come in.”
We entered slowly, the sprawling desk of the Savior filling half of the room. He sat in a comfortable chair behind it, reclining. On the walls behind him, he had pictures of Jesus, Saint Stephen, Gandhi, Hitler, Jim Jones, Shoko Asahara and others who he taught had fought against the world elites and been killed for it.
The Church of the Final Rapture was not a church in the conventional sense. The main teachings didn’t revolve around the divinity of Christ or the nature of original sin. What the Savior taught was far more profound- an illusory or simulated world where every single person could become their own Christ, could awaken to the truth and perform miracles, but only if they believed fully and followed the Savior.
“Sit down, please,” he said in his gravelly voice. “I have a mission I would like to discuss, and you two are the only ones competent and loyal enough to carry it out.”
***
“There is another anomaly spreading,” the Savior said, staring between me and Lovebug with his fanatical emerald eyes. “It is located in a rural part of the United States, in a town called-” he glanced down at the sheet of paper in front of him- “Frost Hollow. Supposedly, there are black-ops sites located nearby, secret alphabet agencies experimenting with magnetic distortion systems and creating rips in the fabric of spacetime with micro-wormholes.
“I don’t think it is much of a leap to say that the anomaly was likely started, either intentionally or unintentionally, by the government, as part of their research. The Cleaners would like to control that power, after all. They have been sending their men after it for years like sheep to the slaughter, expending billions of dollars researching it. If they and the US government end up being able to control the creation and spread of anomalies, they will use it to enslave the world. There is no question about it in my mind.” He leaned forwards towards us, his eyes growing cold.
“There is only one path forward I can see. We need to spread the anomaly, make it become unstable so the demons of Hell contained within it can spill out onto the real world. Perhaps it will awaken the downtrodden masses enough to begin the final revolution. We must fight terrorism with greater terrorism, and violence with greater levels of violence. For this mission, I am sending the two of you into Frost Hollow.
“Your job will be to find the Titan or Titans and lead them out to the border of the anomaly. These are horrendous beasts- indeed, the Church has seen them before. They are nearly impossible to kill. I want you two to go inside, bait it and have it follow you back to the edge, beyond the veil.”
“What’s a Titan?” Lovebug asked, his eyes flicking left and right nervously. The Savior stared at him stonily for a long moment. Then his eyes rolled back in his head, showing only the whites. All the blood seemed to drain from his face. His teeth chattered, his mouth opened, and through it, God spoke, the words pouring out like crashing stones. The voice did not sound anything like the Savior’s. It sounded much deeper, more mechanical, more alien somehow.
“I see you very well. I saw you when you were no more than a blood clot in your mother’s body. I see you even as corpses, rotted, putrefying, crawling with scavengers and insects. I see everything, every moment of time. But, in the anomaly, there are things I cannot see. For this, my holy ones must go forth.
“In the center of Hell, you will find a rose, a bird and a stone. These will be your salvation, if salvation can be found at all. Go with the blessing of Yaldabaoth.” The voice cut off abruptly, the silence deafening. I could hear my own heart pounding in my ears.
The Savior’s eyes came back down, looking confused and uncertain. His pupils were dilated and he was sweating heavily, even though it was cool and air-conditioned back here in his private office. We stared at each other across the table, a no-man’s land that protected me like a shield. For there seemed to be something dark in the Savior along with the light, and I didn’t know if any man could contain that power.
But there was no question of disobeying. Within the hour, Lovebug and I were on one of the Church’s private jets flying to the town of Frost Hollow.
***
The gently rolling hills of Frost Hollow loomed below us as the plane circled the small dirt airstrip in the middle of some cow farms. I looked up at Lovebug, trying to judge his stony expression. He had done many years in prison before joining the Church and finding salvation, even being the leader of one of the gangs. I knew he wasn’t afraid of violence. He had never told me what he did, what tortured him so much.
The Savior had told us much secret knowledge- how to find a Titan, a massive, bloated abomination that could come into being only within an anomaly, a combination of many rotted body pieces fused together in some sort of hellish black magic. The Savior had spies around Frost Hollow and the surrounding towns who had been monitoring the anomaly, watching the unstable gateways leading in and out and mapping them as best they could. We would be given a fast car, plenty of weapons and some body armor. I had no idea how nightmarish the journey would become, however.
“I’m driving,” Lovebug said as we descended the steps. A man in a black suit with the symbol of the eye and tentacles pinned on his black button-up shirt pulled up with a Mercedes AMG-One. It was a sleek, silver thing of immense luxury and power. The craftsmanship made it look like a work of art. I sighed, keeping my finger nervously on the trigger of my rifle as I glanced around the strange, empty town.
“If this thing won’t outrun a Titan, then nothing will,” I said, trying to break the tension. I looked at the speedometer, seeing it went up to 220 miles an hour.
“Damn fucking right,” Lovebug growled as we slid into the futuristic-looking leather seats. The engine turned on like a softly purring kitten. The GPS automatically turned on as well, the soft robotic voice leading us toward one of the more stable portals to the anomaly.
Lovebug sped down the empty forest roads of Frost Hollow, going twice the legal speed limit the entire way.
“The speed limit is only for the lowest common denominator,” Lovebug said pedantically, waggling a tattooed finger for emphasis. The GPS said we would reach the gateway to the anomaly in five minutes. Based on Lovebug’s speed, I thought it would be more like two. “Someone who actually knows how to drive and isn’t drunk or high can easily do 80 in a 40. Easily.” I glanced nervously at the speedometer, realizing he was going over 100 miles an hour now. The sports car hugged the tight corners of the winding forest roads with absolute precision.
“Turn right onto Snake Island Road Extension in five hundred feet,” the robotic female voice. Lovebug slammed on the brakes a few seconds later, the tires skidding and locking up. We looked around frantically, seeing no streets anywhere except the one we were on.
“What the hell?” Lovebug asked. The night was crawling in by now, the darkness covering the forests like a curtain. I squinted, looking at the thick grove of trees on our right, scanning it back and forth over and over. After a few seconds, I realized there was an overgrown dirt path there with no sign. It was nearly impossible to see at night, however, and calling it a road was somewhat of a joke.
“Oh, damn,” I said. “They should’ve given us an SUV.”
***
According to the GPS, our destination was only a thousand feet down Snake Island Road Extension. The low clearance of the Mercedes was a problem as Lovebug tried to navigate the flooded forest path. Deep tread marks flooded with black, stagnant water marked the entirety of Snake Island Road Extension. But ahead, the headlights illuminated something unusual.
Cutting straight across the trees and brush like a razorblade was a shimmering wall of translucent energy. It reminded me of a mirage, curving upwards in wavy spiral patterns. I could see through it easily, but it gave everything a dark, sinister covering. The forest seemed to be in constant motion as the grayish light distorted it.
“Look how huge it is!” I said in awe, staring up at the starry sky. The flat wall rose up seemingly forever, disappearing in the cold void of infinite space. Lovebug slowly ambled the car towards the anomaly, trying to keep the Mercedes from getting stuck with its low clearance.
“You ready for this, man?” Lovebug asked in a quavering voice as we inched towards the anomaly. It was only seconds away now. He grabbed my shoulder. “This is it. Remember the commandments.” I closed my eyes, concentrating my heart on the Savior’s words. Dying for the good is the highest bliss, he had told us.
“Let’s do this,” I said, my eyes flying open from my silent prayer as the hood passed through the anomaly. It disappeared in front of our eyes. We could see the forest on the other side, but the Mercedes looked like it was going through some sort of teleportation portal, being ripped apart layer by layer and sent somewhere else. Lovebug nervously grabbed my hand.
“For the Savior and for the Good,” he whispered as we passed through.
***
I heard screaming and wailing, full of agony and unimaginable horror, like the screams of those burning in Hell. My vision went white. A carpet of morphing dark colors covered everything as the shrieking intensified, until I thought my eardrums would explode.
“Stop!” I cried, feeling the pressure in my head like a splitting migraine. “Stop screaming!” I started kicking, punching, trying to get away.
“Calm the fuck down!” someone whispered, slapping me hard across the face. Stunned, I looked up, seeing Lovebug holding me down in the seat. He was covered in sweat, his face a blank mask of terror. “Don’t scream. There’s things outside that are looking this way.” I blinked fast, my senses coming back to me. I felt like a man waking up from surgery, confused and disoriented, my memories only returning in small trickles and drops.
We were sitting in the Mercedes on a road that looked like it had been made of human skin. The headlights showed the ragged patches of pale, leathery flesh sewn together with black thread. The road disappeared ahead of us in a straight line. The land here looked as flat as an ocean. Like a mirror world, it had houses and restaurants and churches lining both sides of the road, but they were all wrong.
The stone church looked like it was constructed of some kind of red volcanic rock. Baphomets and upside-down pentagrams covered the outer walls, engraved deeply into the glossy surface. Mutilated bodies covered the front lawn, impaled, crucified, skinned alive or burned at the stake. Hundreds of men, women and children lay dead in front of the Satanic temple.
Overhead, the sky bubbled and frothed with red clouds and constant explosions of blue lightning. Like missile flashes, the lightning illuminated the world around us, shining brightly before going dark. The incessant strobing gave the entire place a kind of circus freakshow vibe.
Many of the homes looked like they had been constructed from bones and covered in human skin, like some sort of hellish teepee. Arm and leg bones wrapped in razor-wire formed the pillars. Grinning skulls lined the top of the flat, rectangular roofs, thousands of bleached human heads staring down.
Staring out of the dark doorways, I saw gleaming, silvery eyes. They loomed eight or nine feet in the air on spidery bodies. Their limbs looked as thin as bones, jet-black and dull. The only color from these still revenants was from their unblinking eyes and grinning mouths, where teeth like those of a dragonfish jutted out. Every pair of eyes on that street was fixed intently on the Mercedes, the sick rictus grins on their alien faces never faltering.
“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling weak. “I thought I was in a nightmare for a minute there.” Lovebug shrugged his massive shoulders.
“Yeah, I felt it too, though I came out of it a lot faster than you did,” he said, glancing over at the Satanic church as we passed. It had protective black spikes rising high into the air all around it. The broken body of a child who had been burnt at the stake stood in front of the gates like a death omen, his small, withered hand holding a black rose. Lovebug choked, retching. He nearly rolled down the window, until his eyes met the silvery ones of a nearby abomination.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking closer at the church. On top of the roof, I saw an enormous statue of a black raven, its wings spread as if it were flying. It had three gleaming, silvery eyes embedded into the dark rock.
“That boy just reminds me of my son,” Lovebug whispered glumly, inching along the streets.
“I didn’t know you had a son,” I said, surprised. Lovebug had never mentioned a family. He shrugged.
“I don’t. Not anymore. I killed him. I got drunk and high one night back when I was selling drugs. Fell asleep in the living room with a lit cigarette and burned down the whole house. I killed my wife and son, burned them. They sent me to prison, but what did that matter? The prison up here is far worse.” He tapped the side of his temple.
I was about to say something, but at that moment, many things happened at once.
***
Lovebug was staring at the corpse of the child when an inhumanly long arm reached up from the side of the car. It had fingers like spikes, as sharp as a knife and twice as long as normal human fingers. I gasped, a warning shout welling up in my throat, but the hand came smashing down into the driver’s side window and grabbed Lovebug’s neck.
The window exploded in a shower of safety glass, shattering like brittle bones. Lovebug’s scream was cut off as he was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the car. I swung open my door, leaping out and bringing my rifle around.
The Cheshire Cat grin of the abomination never faltered as it held Lovebug in front of its body like a human shield, holding him by the neck above the ground. Lovebug’s legs kicked and squirmed, his face turning blue as he slowly suffocated. His eyes bulged from their sockets, panicked and rolling, uncomprehending in their total animal panic.
I flicked on the laser sight. It danced over the ground, flashing over the body of Lovebug and the abomination. But I couldn’t aim for its torso or face, as I would probably hit Lovebug in the process. It was far too close.
I aimed for the monster’s thin, skeletal feet, the black toes twisting over each other like the roots of a tree. The gunshots rang out as a deafening counterpoint to the thunder blasts.
The monster gave a hissing gurgle as two bullets caught it in the right ankle. The creature seemed bloodless, and only dust and ashes rolled out of the exploded insectile flesh. It tried to skitter away, but its destroyed ankle caused it to fall forward, throwing Lovebug.
His body rolled across the road, the soft leather that looked like it was made from tens of thousands of human skins. Gasping, his lips still showing a faint blue cast, he struggled to crawl away.
I saw furtive movement from all around us. The creatures in the houses and doorways were moving forwards, drawn by the bloodshed or noise. Hundreds of glowing, silvery eyes surrounded us. I sprinted forward, dragging Lovebug to his feet.
“The church,” I hissed. “It’s the only place.” Still pulling the weak, confused Lovebug behind me, we staggered towards the black gates. They opened with a shriek of rusted metal.
***
The creatures stopped at the gates to the blood-red church, simply staring at us like statues. They didn’t even seem to breathe, their lidless eyes never blinking, the silvery glow never fading.
“I think this is the place we’re meant to go,” I whispered as we made our way towards the massive pointed doors. “When God spoke to us, he said something about a stone, a bird and a rose, that we would find the Titan through that.” I pointed back at the burnt body of the boy. “He’s holding a rose. On top of the building, there’s a bird. And the church is all stone. Maybe this is the place where God wanted us to go all along.”
“Maybe,” Lovebug muttered through heaving gasps, still grabbing at his bruised neck. “God, this hurts. It feels like I got hanged.” Side by side, we pushed open the doors to the Satanic church and walked inside.
***
Row after row of pews stretched out in front of us. Thousands of black candles were set up all around the perimeter of the enormous chamber. They sputtered and flickered constantly, throwing dancing shadows in every direction.
A small pair of bright eyes glanced up at us from under one of the nearby pews. I nearly jumped out of my skin, pointing the rifle at them and yelling.
“Show yourself! Come out now, or I shoot!” Lovebug looked at me, confused. He hadn’t seen it. But a few heartbeats later, a little girl crawled out, her eyes big and blue, her body an emaciated wreck. She wore ripped strands of what looked like leathery human skin to cover herself, tied together with black string. In one small, grime-streaked hand, she held a half-eaten raw mouse.
“Please, don’t kill me,” she said in a small voice. “I’m Emma. My mommy and daddy got dragged away and I’m scared.” I felt sick and weak looking at this small victim. I reached down and helped her up.
“I wouldn’t hurt you,” I said, kneeling down to her level. “I thought you were one of the bad guys. This is Lovebug, and I’m Jack.”
“This isn’t part of the mission, man,” Lovebug said nervously. “What are we supposed to do with her?”
“Well, we can’t just fucking leave her here,” I whispered back. “We need…” But I never got to finish that thought. Because, at that moment, the church woke up.
***
A red glow started at the front of the chamber, the altar where the priest would have stood and given speeches or holy communion. Here, they had a podium that looked like it was carved from a single block of obsidian. Reflected in it, I saw the screaming faces of people burning in Hell, grinning demons ripping off strips of human flesh and spiraling waves of flames, all sculpted by an artist who was able to capture the most miniscule details of agony and torture.
I looked around, realizing Emma had gone. I hadn’t seen her scurry away and hide, but her absence gave me a feeling of crushing dread in my chest.
“Lovebug, something’s wrong,” I whispered, still staring up at the altar. I heard a floorboard creak behind me. I glanced back just in time to see a man wearing full SWAT gear. I caught the flash of a pistol coming down, the butt aimed at my forehead. I heard the cracking, felt the immense pressure and pain. For a few moments, I swam in the currents of consciousness, trying to stay awake, but then the blackness crept in and stole me away.
***
I awoke suddenly, my hands tied so tightly behind my back that I couldn’t feel my fingers. I felt sick and wanted to throw up. I quickly choked those feelings back down. I tried to shake my head, to clear it, but that just brought jolts of pain like electricity shooting through my skull. Nearby, I heard a gunshot, then another.
“Bring it, fuckers!” Lovebug screamed in an insane voice. The explosion of a grenade rocked the building, and I smelled choking black smoke. I opened my eyes, seeing three men in SWAT gear laying dead, their bodies scattered haphazardly around the chaotic scene. One wall of the church had blown outwards, the stone still sending out gray wisps of wavy smoke into the air. I looked at my partner, seeing he had a bullet hole in his left arm and another one in his stomach. He was bleeding heavily, but the adrenaline and insanity seemed to keep him afloat- for now, at least.
I saw something walking towards us from the stage. It looked like a small boy, but black shadows spiraled up around his chest and face, translucent and shimmering darkly. He looked about five or six, his skin pale and smooth. As Lovebug’s face grew slack and distant, the boy abruptly erupted into flames.
“Don’t kill me again, Dad,” the small boy whispered in a hoarse voice choked with pain. The flames rose from his head and skin, melting his flesh, blackening it. Drops of boiling fat dribbled off his nose and chin. “Don’t send me to the dark place again, Dad…” He continued creeping closer to Lovebug, moving like a lion stalking an antelope.
“I didn’t know!” Lovebug cried, his face going paler. Tears streamed from his eyes as the rifle trembled wildly in his shaking hands. For a long moment, he looked torn, the finger tightening on the trigger as sobs escaped his chattering lips.
“Kill it, Lovebug!” I screamed. “Don’t let it get to you!” But as he dropped the rifle and knelt before the small boy, I knew it was too late.
The shadows spun faster and faster around the burning, dying body of the boy. He gave a scream of soul-shattering agony, reaching out to a small hand towards Lovebug.
“Help me!” the boy cried. Lovebug hesitated before bringing an arm up to take the boy’s hand.
“I missed you, Robbie,” Lovebug said before his fingers brushed the boys. The boy lunged forward, grabbing Lovebug’s hand with an iron grip. I saw Lovebug’s eyes widen in shock and surprise. A moment later, I heard the bones in his hand grinding together before breaking with a sound like snapping tree branches. The boy’s eyes darkened into jet-black orbs, the melted lips splitting into a sadistic grin.
“I missed you, too,” the thing hissed as its right arm changed, melting and reforming into something black and blade-like. The insectile limb swung forward in a blur, coming straight at Lovebug’s heart. He gave a panicked squeal a moment before it hit, trying to pull away with all of his considerable strength, his face turning chalk-white as the shattered bones in his hands ground together.
I closed my eyes, rolling away, trying to undo the knots that held my hands in place. Lovebug must have been greatly outnumbered. He would never have let that man tie me up. I heard the sounds of tearing meat and crunching bone nearby. Lovebug’s final breaths gurgled through the air, but I still kept my eyes closed, not wanting to look.
I felt a small tickle on my wrists, then heard a little voice next to my ear.
“I’ll get you out of here,” Emma whispered. I waited a few moments, then I heard the ropes snap. I looked back, seeing her holding a piece of sharp, broken glass in one tiny hand. In her other, she had the car keys. I wondered how she had gotten them, the little pickpocket.
“Thank God,” I said, rubbing my wrists. I looked around for my rifle, seeing it was laying next to the body of one of the SWAT guys. I wondered who these men were. I crawled towards it slowly, not wanting to draw attention.
“Don’t move another step,” a voice growled behind me. I glanced back, seeing the small boy, his features morphing into those of a demon. Curving horns spiraled from his temples. His jet-black eyes stared down at me with hatred and coldness. “You’ll follow your friend who killed my servants. His soul will stay alive forever within my body, a sickly thing wrapped up in an eternal shriek.”
“Fuck you,” I cried, lunging for my rifle. Emma disappeared behind a pew, running on all fours without looking back. I spun as I hit the ground, turning the barrel towards the morphing face of the shape-shifter. Its jaw unhinged, a snake-like tongue flicking out as it flew through the air towards me. Hollow fangs dripping clear venom grew from its mouth in a heartbeat, elongating and sharpening before my very eyes.
I fired twice, the bullets entering through its mouth and coming out the back of its head. Its flesh disintegrated in an instant, the body turning into light, gray ashes that disappeared in the breeze. Breathing hard, I waited, wondering if it was all over.
I heard a rumbling far below me, as if an earthquake were starting. A moment later, the church floor exploded upwards, sharp rubble and splintered boards flying in every direction.
***
“It’s coming!” Emma screamed, running over and grabbing my hand. I lay there, shell-shocked and unmoving for a long moment. In hindsight, the girl was a natural born survivor with much sharper reflexes than me. It was likely the only reason she survived as long as she had.
“The Titan,” I whispered grimly, trying to pull myself up to my feet. But it was like trying to walk on a heaving, sinking ship. Parts of the floor collapsed down into a seemingly never-ending abyss beneath us.
Near the stage, I saw hundreds of long, pale arms pulling something bloated and monstrous out of the ground. It was a Titan, and no explanation can ever convey the true horror of that thing.
It looked like countless human corpses had been melted together, fused into a ball with sagging, boneless chests, deformed faces and millions of writhing maggots. It groaned and gurgled with many lungs, exhaling a rotting, sulfurous breeze that made me want to retch. A soft susurration of many pained, muttering voices continuously emanated from the Titan.
“Emma, run!” I screamed, but she was already sprinting back towards the front door of the church. I backpedaled, afraid to look away from the creeping monstrosity, the juggernaut of rotting flesh moving towards us.
I heard the Titan closing the distance as I sprinted through the front door. The abominations with the silver eyes still slunk around the gate, blocking the car. I raised the rifle, firing blindly at the creatures, careful not to hit the little girl.
“Go to the car!” I screamed at Emma, feeling around for the keys. As the abominations saw the Titan, those still alive scattered, moving in a blur back into the shadows and homes of this rotten place.
The Titan broke the front wall of the church, sending splinters of red stone flying in every direction like bullets. It groaned and gurgled faster, its sickly cries more insistent. I ran to the Mercedes, starting it up and pressing the accelerator to the floor. I pulled a U-turn, heading back to the border of the anomaly.
***
The engine roared, the car bucking like a wild stallion as it pressed me and Emma back into our seats. But the creeping Titan continued gaining speed behind us, and for a few seconds, I feared we would be crushed to death under its massive weight.
The anomaly shimmered ahead of us. I crashed through it at two hundred miles an hour, skidding wildly as the Mercedes hit the dirt road. I nearly flew into a tree. I managed to right it at the last second, pulling onto the paved street as the Titan broke through behind us.
It followed us out. It’s in the real world now.

“Before I met the Savior, I was a worthless piece of garbage, barely a human being,” Lovebug droned at the front of the enormous room. Lovebug was a monster of a man, two-hundred and fifty pounds of hard tattooed muscle. Like myself, he was a high-ranking member of the Church.
His flat gray eyes scanned the room with a fanatical gleam. I sat in the first row, watching and waiting. Followers of the Savior would tell their stories, how the Savior had reached down and lifted them out of sin and filth to bring them up to the divine. The bright fluorescent lights overhead droned on with a low hum. Thousands of men crammed together in seats or stood at the back of the room.
The Savior taught only two commandments: to murder is holy, and to die for the Savior is the highest bliss. An army of warriors followed the Savior, knights on a holy crusade, priests who wouldn’t hesitate to burn the foul bodies of any witches or demons we encountered. I thought of myself as a knight for the holy king, our Savior, the mouthpiece of the eternal.
“Now, it is like the hand of God has reached into my heart and loosened all the knots there, the knots of anxiety and fear and uncertainty.” He raised his black, military-style rifle into the air for emphasis. “I never realized the true nature of reality before- the fact that we are living in a simulation where the final battle of good versus evil is playing out before our very eyes. And I will be on the side of the good, until my dying breath. I will be on the side of the Savior and of God!”
The crowd roared and clapped. Men got to their feet, sweating heavily in the boiling hot conference room. I felt the surge of energy pass through me like a tidal wave, the pure confidence and iron will of truth. Lovebug lumbered down off the stage as the Savior came out from behind the red curtains, walking with the straight spine of a soldier. He wore a silky black robe that fluttered softly around him, the hood pulled back.
The Savior had horrific burns running the length of his body. His arms had melted folds of keloid scars visible all the way to the tips of his fingers. His scalp had also melted, and the Savior had no hair except for his eyelashes and eyebrows. But the fire that had nearly killed him had spared his face, an aristocratic visage with ferocious green eyes like those of a cat. That face seemed like it had been sculpted out of marble by DaVinci himself, the high cheekbones jutting out over a chin so sharp that it looked like it could have hammered nails into boards. He stared out at the crowd for a long moment, his gaze unblinking.
“The final battle has begun,” he said in a low voice, no more than a whisper. Yet, in the deathly silence of the hall, his words rang out loud and clear. “Those in charge of this illusory world know that we see them. We see them very well, how they hide behind the curtain. They control the world economy, the justice system. Every government, whether they call themselves communist, authoritarian or democratic, is no more than a puppet in their dancing fingers.
“When anyone tries to stand up and lead the masses of suffering people towards freedom from slavery, they are vilified by the mainstream media, brought up on false charges or killed, their bodies staged to look like a suicide. Look what they did to Jesus, and for what? For telling people to love God more than their rulers? And those who speak out today are also crucified, murdered in prisons or killed by their governments. Truth is the most precious commodity, after all. It is one that can only be purchased with blood.
“So what can we do? How can we fight against such evil?” There was a quiet muttering among the pale, frozen faces that stared up at the stage with adoration and love.
“We can fight it by using their own weapons against them!” the Savior said, his voice rising in speed and pitch. He raised his fisted hands to his chest, accentuating each syllable with a back and forth stab of his hands. “Fight fire with fire, and pay back blood with blood! The only thing these global terrorists understand is greater levels of force. We must show them death on a scale they have never before imagined.” I felt nervous as the Savior delivered his message. I saw other men shuffle anxiously in the crowded auditorium, most of them having high-caliber rifles slung around their shoulders.
I felt the rising violence and bloodlust in the air like electricity before a lightning storm. At that moment, I knew we would all have to fight before too long.
***
The Savior called me and Lovebug back to his office after the speech had ended, sending his squirrely assistant over to deliver the hand-written note in the Savior’s blocky, copperplate handwriting. For a long moment, I simply watched the crowd filtering out of the doors, heading back towards the complex where all the holy soldiers of the Savior lived. Feeling dissociated and light-headed, I followed behind the massive muscular form of Lovebug, the heavy weight of the M16 bouncing against my chest. We pushed through the blood-red velvet curtains, winding our way past stage equipment and down a hallway of pure marble.
Mystical paintings similar to those of Alex Grey covered both walls, showing the inside workings of the human body through art. It was as if the painter had X-ray vision and could see the heart chakra and the countless thin vessels that spiderwebbed up to the crown. But, unlike Alex Grey’s hopeful depictions of mysticism, these showed men and women being burned alive, crucified, decapitated or strangled. Dark colors composed the paintings: the dark blue of a suffocating face, the clotted red of an infected stab wound, the black of death. They captured the essence of struggle perfectly.
The Savior’s office had a thick mahogany door with silver engravings of leaves and vines running the length of it. At the top stood a single staring eye with twelve wavy tentacles emerging from the perimeter of it- the symbol of God, who the Savior had seen personally. God would sometimes speak through the mouth of the Savior, always during times of great tribulation or suffering. Lovebug knocked at the door. The Savior’s deep voice echoed out faintly.
“Come in.”
We entered slowly, the sprawling desk of the Savior filling half of the room. He sat in a comfortable chair behind it, reclining. On the walls behind him, he had pictures of Jesus, Saint Stephen, Gandhi, Hitler, Jim Jones, Shoko Asahara and others who he taught had fought against the world elites and been killed for it.
The Church of the Final Rapture was not a church in the conventional sense. The main teachings didn’t revolve around the divinity of Christ or the nature of original sin. What the Savior taught was far more profound- an illusory or simulated world where every single person could become their own Christ, could awaken to the truth and perform miracles, but only if they believed fully and followed the Savior.
“Sit down, please,” he said in his gravelly voice. “I have a mission I would like to discuss, and you two are the only ones competent and loyal enough to carry it out.”
***
“There is another anomaly spreading,” the Savior said, staring between me and Lovebug with his fanatical emerald eyes. “It is located in a rural part of the United States, in a town called-” he glanced down at the sheet of paper in front of him- “Frost Hollow. Supposedly, there are black-ops sites located nearby, secret alphabet agencies experimenting with magnetic distortion systems and creating rips in the fabric of spacetime with micro-wormholes.
“I don’t think it is much of a leap to say that the anomaly was likely started, either intentionally or unintentionally, by the government, as part of their research. The Cleaners would like to control that power, after all. They have been sending their men after it for years like sheep to the slaughter, expending billions of dollars researching it. If they and the US government end up being able to control the creation and spread of anomalies, they will use it to enslave the world. There is no question about it in my mind.” He leaned forwards towards us, his eyes growing cold.
“There is only one path forward I can see. We need to spread the anomaly, make it become unstable so the demons of Hell contained within it can spill out onto the real world. Perhaps it will awaken the downtrodden masses enough to begin the final revolution. We must fight terrorism with greater terrorism, and violence with greater levels of violence. For this mission, I am sending the two of you into Frost Hollow.
“Your job will be to find the Titan or Titans and lead them out to the border of the anomaly. These are horrendous beasts- indeed, the Church has seen them before. They are nearly impossible to kill. I want you two to go inside, bait it and have it follow you back to the edge, beyond the veil.”
“What’s a Titan?” Lovebug asked, his eyes flicking left and right nervously. The Savior stared at him stonily for a long moment. Then his eyes rolled back in his head, showing only the whites. All the blood seemed to drain from his face. His teeth chattered, his mouth opened, and through it, God spoke, the words pouring out like crashing stones. The voice did not sound anything like the Savior’s. It sounded much deeper, more mechanical, more alien somehow.
“I see you very well. I saw you when you were no more than a blood clot in your mother’s body. I see you even as corpses, rotted, putrefying, crawling with scavengers and insects. I see everything, every moment of time. But, in the anomaly, there are things I cannot see. For this, my holy ones must go forth.
“In the center of Hell, you will find a rose, a bird and a stone. These will be your salvation, if salvation can be found at all. Go with the blessing of Yaldabaoth.” The voice cut off abruptly, the silence deafening. I could hear my own heart pounding in my ears.
The Savior’s eyes came back down, looking confused and uncertain. His pupils were dilated and he was sweating heavily, even though it was cool and air-conditioned back here in his private office. We stared at each other across the table, a no-man’s land that protected me like a shield. For there seemed to be something dark in the Savior along with the light, and I didn’t know if any man could contain that power.
But there was no question of disobeying. Within the hour, Lovebug and I were on one of the Church’s private jets flying to the town of Frost Hollow.
***
The gently rolling hills of Frost Hollow loomed below us as the plane circled the small dirt airstrip in the middle of some cow farms. I looked up at Lovebug, trying to judge his stony expression. He had done many years in prison before joining the Church and finding salvation, even being the leader of one of the gangs. I knew he wasn’t afraid of violence. He had never told me what he did, what tortured him so much.
The Savior had told us much secret knowledge- how to find a Titan, a massive, bloated abomination that could come into being only within an anomaly, a combination of many rotted body pieces fused together in some sort of hellish black magic. The Savior had spies around Frost Hollow and the surrounding towns who had been monitoring the anomaly, watching the unstable gateways leading in and out and mapping them as best they could. We would be given a fast car, plenty of weapons and some body armor. I had no idea how nightmarish the journey would become, however.
“I’m driving,” Lovebug said as we descended the steps. A man in a black suit with the symbol of the eye and tentacles pinned on his black button-up shirt pulled up with a Mercedes AMG-One. It was a sleek, silver thing of immense luxury and power. The craftsmanship made it look like a work of art. I sighed, keeping my finger nervously on the trigger of my rifle as I glanced around the strange, empty town.
“If this thing won’t outrun a Titan, then nothing will,” I said, trying to break the tension. I looked at the speedometer, seeing it went up to 220 miles an hour.
“Damn fucking right,” Lovebug growled as we slid into the futuristic-looking leather seats. The engine turned on like a softly purring kitten. The GPS automatically turned on as well, the soft robotic voice leading us toward one of the more stable portals to the anomaly.
Lovebug sped down the empty forest roads of Frost Hollow, going twice the legal speed limit the entire way.
“The speed limit is only for the lowest common denominator,” Lovebug said pedantically, waggling a tattooed finger for emphasis. The GPS said we would reach the gateway to the anomaly in five minutes. Based on Lovebug’s speed, I thought it would be more like two. “Someone who actually knows how to drive and isn’t drunk or high can easily do 80 in a 40. Easily.” I glanced nervously at the speedometer, realizing he was going over 100 miles an hour now. The sports car hugged the tight corners of the winding forest roads with absolute precision.
“Turn right onto Snake Island Road Extension in five hundred feet,” the robotic female voice. Lovebug slammed on the brakes a few seconds later, the tires skidding and locking up. We looked around frantically, seeing no streets anywhere except the one we were on.
“What the hell?” Lovebug asked. The night was crawling in by now, the darkness covering the forests like a curtain. I squinted, looking at the thick grove of trees on our right, scanning it back and forth over and over. After a few seconds, I realized there was an overgrown dirt path there with no sign. It was nearly impossible to see at night, however, and calling it a road was somewhat of a joke.
“Oh, damn,” I said. “They should’ve given us an SUV.”
***
According to the GPS, our destination was only a thousand feet down Snake Island Road Extension. The low clearance of the Mercedes was a problem as Lovebug tried to navigate the flooded forest path. Deep tread marks flooded with black, stagnant water marked the entirety of Snake Island Road Extension. But ahead, the headlights illuminated something unusual.
Cutting straight across the trees and brush like a razorblade was a shimmering wall of translucent energy. It reminded me of a mirage, curving upwards in wavy spiral patterns. I could see through it easily, but it gave everything a dark, sinister covering. The forest seemed to be in constant motion as the grayish light distorted it.
“Look how huge it is!” I said in awe, staring up at the starry sky. The flat wall rose up seemingly forever, disappearing in the cold void of infinite space. Lovebug slowly ambled the car towards the anomaly, trying to keep the Mercedes from getting stuck with its low clearance.
“You ready for this, man?” Lovebug asked in a quavering voice as we inched towards the anomaly. It was only seconds away now. He grabbed my shoulder. “This is it. Remember the commandments.” I closed my eyes, concentrating my heart on the Savior’s words. Dying for the good is the highest bliss, he had told us.
“Let’s do this,” I said, my eyes flying open from my silent prayer as the hood passed through the anomaly. It disappeared in front of our eyes. We could see the forest on the other side, but the Mercedes looked like it was going through some sort of teleportation portal, being ripped apart layer by layer and sent somewhere else. Lovebug nervously grabbed my hand.
“For the Savior and for the Good,” he whispered as we passed through.
***
I heard screaming and wailing, full of agony and unimaginable horror, like the screams of those burning in Hell. My vision went white. A carpet of morphing dark colors covered everything as the shrieking intensified, until I thought my eardrums would explode.
“Stop!” I cried, feeling the pressure in my head like a splitting migraine. “Stop screaming!” I started kicking, punching, trying to get away.
“Calm the fuck down!” someone whispered, slapping me hard across the face. Stunned, I looked up, seeing Lovebug holding me down in the seat. He was covered in sweat, his face a blank mask of terror. “Don’t scream. There’s things outside that are looking this way.” I blinked fast, my senses coming back to me. I felt like a man waking up from surgery, confused and disoriented, my memories only returning in small trickles and drops.
We were sitting in the Mercedes on a road that looked like it had been made of human skin. The headlights showed the ragged patches of pale, leathery flesh sewn together with black thread. The road disappeared ahead of us in a straight line. The land here looked as flat as Kansas. Like a mirror world, it had houses and restaurants and churches lining both sides of the road, but they were all wrong.
The stone church looked like it was constructed of some kind of red volcanic rock. Baphomets and upside-down pentagrams covered the outer walls, engraved deeply into the glossy surface. Mutilated bodies covered the front lawn, impaled, crucified, skinned alive or burned at the stake. Hundreds of men, women and children lay dead in front of the Satanic temple.
Overhead, the sky bubbled and frothed with red clouds and constant explosions of blue lightning. Like missile flashes, the lightning illuminated the world around us, shining brightly before going dark. The incessant strobing gave the entire place a kind of circus freakshow vibe.
Many of the homes looked like they had been constructed from bones and covered in human skin, like some sort of hellish teepee. Arm and leg bones wrapped in razor-wire formed the pillars. Grinning skulls lined the top of the flat, rectangular roofs, thousands of bleached human heads staring down.
Staring out of the dark doorways, I saw gleaming, silvery eyes. They loomed eight or nine feet in the air on spidery bodies. Their limbs looked as thin as bones, jet-black and dull. The only color from these still revenants was from their unblinking eyes and grinning mouths, where teeth like those of a dragonfish jutted out. Every pair of eyes on that street was fixed intently on the Mercedes, the sick rictus grins on their alien faces never faltering.
“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling weak. “I thought I was in a nightmare for a minute there.” Lovebug shrugged his massive shoulders.
“Yeah, I felt it too, though I came out of it a lot faster than you did,” he said, glancing over at the Satanic church as we passed. It had protective black spikes rising high into the air all around it. The broken body of a child who had been burnt at the stake stood in front of the gates like a death omen, his small, withered hand holding a black rose. Lovebug choked, retching. He nearly rolled down the window, until his eyes met the silvery ones of a nearby abomination.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking closer at the church. On top of the roof, I saw an enormous statue of a black raven, its wings spread as if it were flying. It had three gleaming, silvery eyes embedded into the dark rock.
“That boy just reminds me of my son,” Lovebug whispered glumly, inching along the streets.
“I didn’t know you had a son,” I said, surprised. Lovebug had never mentioned a family. He shrugged.
“I don’t. Not anymore. I killed him. I got drunk and high one night back when I was selling drugs. Fell asleep in the living room with a lit cigarette and burned down the whole house. I killed my wife and son, burned them. They sent me to prison, but what did that matter? The prison up here is far worse.” He tapped the side of his temple.
I was about to say something, but at that moment, many things happened at once.
***
Lovebug was staring at the corpse of the child when an inhumanly long arm reached up from the side of the car. It had fingers like spikes, as sharp as a knife and twice as long as normal human fingers. I gasped, a warning shout welling up in my throat, but the hand came smashing down into the driver’s side window and grabbed Lovebug’s neck.
The window exploded in a shower of safety glass, shattering like brittle bones. Lovebug’s scream was cut off as he was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the car. I swung open my door, leaping out and bringing my rifle around.
The Cheshire Cat grin of the abomination never faltered as it held Lovebug in front of its body like a human shield, holding him by the neck above the ground. Lovebug’s legs kicked and squirmed, his face turning blue as he slowly suffocated. His eyes bulged from their sockets, panicked and rolling, uncomprehending in their total animal panic.
I flicked on the laser sight. It danced over the ground, flashing over the body of Lovebug and the abomination. But I couldn’t aim for its torso or face, as I would probably hit Lovebug in the process. It was far too close.
I aimed for the monster’s thin, skeletal feet, the black toes twisting over each other like the roots of a tree. The gunshots rang out as a deafening counterpoint to the thunder blasts.
The monster gave a hissing gurgle as two bullets caught it in the right ankle. The creature seemed bloodless, and only dust and ashes rolled out of the exploded insectile flesh. It tried to skitter away, but its destroyed ankle caused it to fall forward, throwing Lovebug.
His body rolled across the road, the soft leather that looked like it was made from tens of thousands of human skins. Gasping, his lips still showing a faint blue cast, he struggled to crawl away.
I saw furtive movement from all around us. The creatures in the houses and doorways were moving forwards, drawn by the bloodshed or noise. Hundreds of glowing, silvery eyes surrounded us. I sprinted forward, dragging Lovebug to his feet.
“The church,” I hissed. “It’s the only place.” Still pulling the weak, confused Lovebug behind me, we staggered towards the black gates. They opened with a shriek of rusted metal.
***
The creatures stopped at the gates to the blood-red church, simply staring at us like statues. They didn’t even seem to breathe, their lidless eyes never blinking, the silvery glow never fading.
“I think this is the place we’re meant to go,” I whispered as we made our way towards the massive pointed doors. “When God spoke to us, he said something about a stone, a bird and a rose, that we would find the Titan through that.” I pointed back at the burnt body of the boy. “He’s holding a rose. On top of the building, there’s a bird. And the church is all stone. Maybe this is the place where God wanted us to go all along.”
“Maybe,” Lovebug muttered through heaving gasps, still grabbing at his bruised neck. “God, this hurts. It feels like I got hanged.” Side by side, we pushed open the doors to the Satanic church and walked inside.
***
Row after row of pews stretched out in front of us. Thousands of black candles were set up all around the perimeter of the enormous chamber. They sputtered and flickered constantly, throwing dancing shadows in every direction.
A small pair of bright eyes glanced up at us from under one of the nearby pews. I nearly jumped out of my skin, pointing the rifle at them and yelling.
“Show yourself! Come out now, or I shoot!” Lovebug looked at me, confused. He hadn’t seen it. But a few heartbeats later, a little girl crawled out, her eyes big and blue, her body an emaciated wreck. She wore ripped strands of what looked like leathery human skin to cover herself, tied together with black string. In one small, grime-streaked hand, she held a half-eaten raw mouse.
“Please, don’t kill me,” she said in a small voice. “I’m Emma. My mommy and daddy got dragged away and I’m scared.” I felt sick and weak looking at this small victim. I reached down and helped her up.
“I wouldn’t hurt you,” I said, kneeling down to her level. “I thought you were one of the bad guys. This is Lovebug, and I’m Jack.”
“This isn’t part of the mission, man,” Lovebug said nervously. “What are we supposed to do with her?”
“Well, we can’t just fucking leave her here,” I whispered back. “We need…” But I never got to finish that thought. Because, at that moment, the church woke up.
***
A red glow started at the front of the chamber, the altar where the priest would have stood and given speeches or holy communion. Here, they had a podium that looked like it was carved from a single block of obsidian. Reflected in it, I saw the screaming faces of people burning in Hell, grinning demons ripping off strips of human flesh and spiraling waves of flames, all sculpted by an artist who was able to capture the most miniscule details of agony and torture.
I looked around, realizing Emma had gone. I hadn’t seen her scurry away and hide, but her absence gave me a feeling of crushing dread in my chest.
“Lovebug, something’s wrong,” I whispered, still staring up at the altar. I heard a floorboard creak behind me. I glanced back just in time to see a man wearing full SWAT gear. I caught the flash of a pistol coming down, the butt aimed at my forehead. I heard the cracking, felt the immense pressure and pain. For a few moments, I swam in the currents of consciousness, trying to stay awake, but then the blackness crept in and stole me away.
***
I awoke suddenly, my hands tied so tightly behind my back that I couldn’t feel my fingers. I felt sick and wanted to throw up. I quickly choked those feelings back down. I tried to shake my head, to clear it, but that just brought jolts of pain like electricity shooting through my skull. Nearby, I heard a gunshot, then another.
“Bring it, fuckers!” Lovebug screamed in an insane voice. The explosion of a grenade rocked the building, and I smelled choking black smoke. I opened my eyes, seeing three men in SWAT gear laying dead, their bodies scattered haphazardly around the chaotic scene. One wall of the church had blown outwards, the stone still sending out gray wisps of wavy smoke into the air. I looked at my partner, seeing he had a bullet hole in his left arm and another one in his stomach. He was bleeding heavily, but the adrenaline and insanity seemed to keep him afloat- for now, at least.
I saw something walking towards us from the stage. It looked like a small boy, but black shadows spiraled up around his chest and face, translucent and shimmering darkly. He looked about five or six, his skin pale and smooth. As Lovebug’s face grew slack and distant, the boy abruptly erupted into flames.
“Don’t kill me again, Dad,” the small boy whispered in a hoarse voice choked with pain. The flames rose from his head and skin, melting his flesh, blackening it. Drops of boiling fat dribbled off his nose and chin. “Don’t send me to the dark place again, Dad…” He continued creeping closer to Lovebug, moving like a lion stalking an antelope.
“I didn’t know!” Lovebug cried, his face going paler. Tears streamed from his eyes as the rifle trembled wildly in his shaking hands. For a long moment, he looked torn, the finger tightening on the trigger as sobs escaped his chattering lips.
“Kill it, Lovebug!” I screamed. “Don’t let it get to you!” But as he dropped the rifle and knelt before the small boy, I knew it was too late.
The shadows spun faster and faster around the burning, dying body of the boy. He gave a scream of soul-shattering agony, reaching out to a small hand towards Lovebug.
“Help me!” the boy cried. Lovebug hesitated before bringing an arm up to take the boy’s hand.
“I missed you, Robbie,” Lovebug said before his fingers brushed the boys. The boy lunged forward, grabbing Lovebug’s hand with an iron grip. I saw Lovebug’s eyes widen in shock and surprise. A moment later, I heard the bones in his hand grinding together before breaking with a sound like snapping tree branches. The boy’s eyes darkened into jet-black orbs, the melted lips splitting into a sadistic grin.
“I missed you, too,” the thing hissed as its right arm changed, melting and reforming into something black and blade-like. The insectile limb swung forward in a blur, coming straight at Lovebug’s heart. He gave a panicked squeal a moment before it hit, trying to pull away with all of his considerable strength, his face turning chalk-white as the shattered bones in his hands ground together.
I closed my eyes, rolling away, trying to undo the knots that held my hands in place. Lovebug must have been greatly outnumbered. He would never have let that man tie me up. I heard the sounds of tearing meat and crunching bone nearby. Lovebug’s final breaths gurgled through the air, but I still kept my eyes closed, not wanting to look.
I felt a small tickle on my wrists, then heard a little voice next to my ear.
“I’ll get you out of here,” Emma whispered. I waited a few moments, then I heard the ropes snap. I looked back, seeing her holding a piece of sharp, broken glass in one tiny hand. In her other, she had the car keys. I wondered how she had gotten them, the little pickpocket.
“Thank God,” I said, rubbing my wrists. I looked around for my rifle, seeing it was laying next to the body of one of the SWAT guys. I wondered who these men were. I crawled towards it slowly, not wanting to draw attention.
“Don’t move another step,” a voice growled behind me. I glanced back, seeing the small boy, his features morphing into those of a demon. Curving horns spiraled from his temples. His jet-black eyes stared down at me with hatred and coldness. “You’ll follow your friend who killed my servants. His soul will stay alive forever within my body, a sickly thing wrapped up in an eternal shriek.”
“Fuck you,” I cried, lunging for my rifle. Emma disappeared behind a pew, running on all fours without looking back. I spun as I hit the ground, turning the barrel towards the morphing face of the shape-shifter. Its jaw unhinged, a snake-like tongue flicking out as it flew through the air towards me. Hollow fangs dripping clear venom grew from its mouth in a heartbeat, elongating and sharpening before my very eyes.
I fired twice, the bullets entering through its mouth and coming out the back of its head. Its flesh disintegrated in an instant, the body turning into light, gray ashes that disappeared in the breeze. Breathing hard, I waited, wondering if it was all over.
I heard a rumbling far below me, as if an earthquake were starting. A moment later, the church floor exploded upwards, sharp rubble and splintered boards flying in every direction.
***
“It’s coming!” Emma screamed, running over and grabbing my hand. I lay there, shell-shocked and unmoving for a long moment. In hindsight, the girl was a natural born survivor with much sharper reflexes than me. It was likely the only reason she survived as long as she had.
“The Titan,” I whispered grimly, trying to pull myself up to my feet. But it was like trying to walk on a heaving, sinking ship. Parts of the floor collapsed down into a seemingly never-ending abyss beneath us.
Near the stage, I saw hundreds of long, pale arms pulling something bloated and monstrous out of the ground. It was a Titan, and no explanation can ever convey the true horror of that thing.
It looked like countless human corpses had been melted together, fused into a ball with sagging, boneless chests, deformed faces and millions of writhing maggots. It groaned and gurgled with many lungs, exhaling a rotting, sulfurous breeze that made me want to retch. A soft susurration of many pained, muttering voices continuously emanated from the Titan.
“Emma, run!” I screamed, but she was already sprinting back towards the front door of the church. I backpedaled, afraid to look away from the creeping monstrosity, the juggernaut of rotting flesh moving towards us.
I heard the Titan closing the distance as I sprinted through the front door. The abominations with the silver eyes still slunk around the gate, blocking the car. I raised the rifle, firing blindly at the creatures, careful not to hit the little girl.
“Go to the car!” I screamed at Emma, feeling around for the keys. As the abominations saw the Titan, those still alive scattered, moving in a blur back into the shadows and homes of this rotten place.
The Titan broke the front wall of the church, sending splinters of red stone flying in every direction like bullets. It groaned and gurgled faster, its sickly cries more insistent. I ran to the Mercedes, starting it up and pressing the accelerator to the floor. I pulled a U-turn, heading back to the border of the anomaly.
***
The engine roared, the car bucking like a wild stallion as it pressed me and Emma back into our seats. But the creeping Titan continued gaining speed behind us, and for a few seconds, I feared we would be crushed to death under its massive weight.
The anomaly shimmered ahead of us. I crashed through it at two hundred miles an hour, skidding wildly as the Mercedes hit the dirt road. I nearly flew into a tree. I managed to right it at the last second, pulling onto the paved street as the Titan broke through behind us.
It followed us out. It’s in the real world now.

Hello and welcome to episode 100 in a series inspired by u/kamikazeb0y and CinemaSins, where I'll be sinning each and every episode of Gumball.
Before we start I just want to point out that (not including the Early Reel) we have officially reached Episode ONE HUNDRED of Every Wrong With The Amazing World of Gumball!
It's been an incredibly fun journey so far, and with some very iconic and important episodes still to cover we have a lot to still look forward too! WIth 140 episodes left to cover, I've still got my work cut out for me! But trust me, no matter how long it takes, I will get to the end...hopefully before Season 7 releases and pushes the finish line further away!
Hope you enjoy, and I'll see you for the next one hundred episodes!
Quick Disclaimer: I know this is just a children's cartoon and isn't meant to be taken seriously. This, like the show itself, is not at all meant to be taken seriously or considered an actual critique of the show. It is all in good fun. With that out of the way I present you, Everything Wrong With: The Man!
Granny Jojo: Why are there so many candles? I'm only sixty-three. Anais: Sorry. We didn't know exactly how old you were, so we based it on looks Firstly, I understand the kids not knowing how old she is, but Richard? How does one not know the age of their own mother!? +5
Secondly, BWAHAHAHAHAA! -5
Richard: The alphabet of my mom. "A" is for "Amazing" 'cause that's what you are. "B" is for "Breakfast", one of my twelve favorite mealtimes, and because you're amazing, Mom. "C" is for... [He continues talking] Granny Jojo: Nicole, I just wanted to say that you look really average today. Nicole: Oh, yeah? Well, you look like someone drew an ugly face on a butt with a— wait, what? Did you just say "average"? That's gotta be the least offensive thing you've ever said to me. You need a lie down? Gumball: Yeah, and you gave us real candy instead of your expired fungus medication- Darwin: And your face looks wrong. It's like your mouth is upside down- Anais: It's almost as if you are...smiling. Richard: ...why? Because I like them. And "Z" is for "Zebra", an amazing mythical creature. But not as amazing as you, Mom. Okay, there's no way Richard read through A-Z already. He had to have skipped like half the alphabet to fit it all in that short conversation +1
[Richard slams the door in Louie's face. His outstretched arm sticks out through the letter flap. Granny Jojo reopens the door] Granny Jojo: This is Louie. He's my boyfriend. Okay, what is with episodes and huge lore reveals/changes recently? First Gumball and Penny become a couple, then Carrie's origin and Dad are revealed, and now Granny Jojo is dating Louie. Feels the writers change one thing in The Shell then went wild with power and did a whole bunch more.
I mean, I'm not complaining though. They're pretty cool -1
[Richard finally recovers. He sees Gumball, wobbling in his vision. His voice is distorted and echoing] Gumball: Dad, are you alright? Darwin: What's with the voice? Gumball: [Distorted, but no longer echoing] I don't know. It just felt appropriate. PFFT -1
[Gumball takes a pack of nachos and hands it to Nicole] Nicole: Clear! [She opens it. Immediately, Richard springs up, biting into the nacho bag and chewing on it wildly] I don't know why, but the writers were on point when writing the jokes for this episode and I love it -10
Granny Jojo: To be honest with you, I have no idea what he said. My hearing isn't what it used to be. Louie: Me, neither! I was just laughing and hoping it wasn't a question. [They laugh] Louie: We got so much in common. Granny Jojo: Yeah, we're both falling apart. [They laugh again. Louie kisses Granny Jojo] Awwww -5
Richard: Call me son one more time! I dare you! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU! You MOTHER ROBBER! God damn it actually kinda hurts seeing Richard like this. It's so unlike him to act so aggressively and it makes it really clear how much his Dad leaving him affected him. I demand the entire family give him hugs now! -1
[Richard grunts, and pushes Louie away on his scooter. Afterwards, he storms back inside to confront Granny Jojo] Somehow all of them have, in the span of a few seconds Nicole ahs gone and made a cup of coffee and Gumball and Anais have sat down and started an entire card game. +1
Though, Gumball and Anais just casually hanging out and playing some card game is pretty cute. We never really saw him or Darwin actually hanging out with or chilling with her that often, if ever, so this is nice to see -1
Granny Jojo: Let me explain something— Richard: No, let ME explain something! I don't want you to see that guy anymore! Granny Jojo: Well, I don't think it's for you to decide, young man! Richard: When you're under my roof, you follow my rules, old lady! Gumball: I don't think anyone should follow your twelve-meals-a-day rule. Granny Jojo: Richard, I'm old enough to make my own rules, and I'm seeing Louie TONIGHT! Richard: Go to your room, you're grounded! Granny Jojo: You go to your room, you're grounded! What? But surely Jojo is just visiting for her birthday right? Plus even if she wanted to stay there isn't really any rooms she could stay in except Anais', and it's debatable if said room even exists or not +5
Granny Jojo: Gumball. [Opening an eye, he sees his grandmother beside him, wearing fancy clothes with make-up on. The jump cuts closer to her face] Gumball: [Gasps] Oh wait, this is clearly a nightmare. Nothing could be this ugly in real life. Darwin: We helped Granny Jojo make herself pretty for Louie. What do you think? Gumball: Huh, what do you know? [Screams hysterically] Anais: Yeah, I agree with you. But this is the best we could do short of a face transplant. Okay, I get you think she looks hideous, byt after what happened between her and your Dad earlier I very highly doubt she's in the mood for such insults nor appreciates such comments. You can think it, sure, but you reaaally don't need to say it out loud +5
Granny Jojo: Oh, Gumball, if you could only understand the meaning of true love. The yearning to be at one with another soul. To hold them tightly in your arms- Gumball: Please stop, I'm getting a mental picture. It's really high-def. Granny Jojo: Hear them whisper in your ear: I love you, I love you- Gumball: Fine! Fine! We'll do it, just, please stop talking. Firstly, pretty sure he does know that feeling considering he was crushing over a girl for who knows how long, and is now finally with said girl +1
Secondly...Jojo actually bothered to learn Gumball's name since The Kiss? Neat -1
Nicole: Richard, your mother's never been this happy... or nice. I don't want you to ruin that. Richard: Alright, I'll speak with her. Aww, nice to see Nicole actually helping out Jojo for once...even if it is partially for selfish reasons -1
Gumball: Alright! So the plan is we knock over the DVDs, which sets off the mouse trap, which sends the golf ball up there, which sets off the dominoes, which sets off the toy car, which will switch on the fan, which will send the turtle to the rope, which she bites through, dropping the desk, propelling Granny Jojo through the window and she uses her bloomers to land safely in Louie's arm. Everybody ready? Gumball calls the Evil Turtle "she" here despite the Wattersons not yet knowing that she is a she. Aka, the writers pretty much unintentionally spoiled that twist reveal almost an entire season beforehand +5
Also, Gumball's entire plan here relied on the fact that the Evil Turtle would actually bite the rope upon reaching it. And a plan that relies on someone else out of your control maybe doing something isn't a very good plan +1
Richard: Get away from my mom, get out of our lives! I am the man of this house! So much for talking to him +1
Gumball: Next round: Man washing! [Anais evaluates them washing themselves. Richard washes himself with his clothes on, and Anais is grossed out by his smell. Louie washes himself with a toothbrush. When Anais smells his breath, her head spins around, her ears pop off, and she melts] Ew. No man actually washes like this. At least I'd very much hope not +5
[Louie cooks some meat, and Gumball eats it. He spits it out] Gumball: Ugh, it's rare!Louie: That's how a man eats. No, that's how you kill your grandson +1
[Gumball, Darwin, and out two man-off contestants are sitting around the living room table.] Gumball: And for the final challenge: sharing your emotions! Louie and Richard: What? Gumball: [Evil laugh] Yes! All of this was a trick to make you confront man's deepest, darkest fear: talking about your feelings. Gumball taking Granny Jojo's idea and turning it into a clever plot to trick Richard and Louie into talking things out is actually genius. Which is why It'll never stop annoying me that despite a mountain of evidence proving otherwise the show continues to portray Gumball as stupid. He isn't, and I'm fed up of seeing otherwise -10
Granny Jojo: Oh, Richard, what about your dad? I thought you understood he didn't really go to get milk? [Richard suppresses his emotions. He struggles to keep himself from crying.] Richard: I know… I know. It's just that I really… r-really… Granny Jojo: I know, I know. I liked him too. It's just…he felt otherwise. Come on, just let it all out. [Richard cries hard. Granny Jojo comforts him amidst the shower of tears and mucus.] Granny Jojo: Come on, kid. That's it. Richard: [Stops crying] It's just, I'm worried that you'll like Louie better than me— [Sniffs] And then-and then, I'll lose you too. [Sniffs] Granny Jojo: [Kisses him on cheek] Don't be sillier than you already are. Your brain might stall once and for all. Richard: You know, I want you to be happy too. LOUIE! [Hugs] From now on, I'll call you Daddy! Louie: Um, [Clears throat] A lot of weather we've been having lately. [Richard puts him down, and Louis pats him] Anais: Are you gonna be okay, Dad? Richard: Yes, sweetie. There comes a time when in your life, you have to grow up, and become a man. [Richard hugs his family. Louie and Granny Jojo kiss happily, making him gag one last time] Awww, now this is how you end an episode like this. Wholesome and poignant. -5
Total Sins: -11
Most Sinned Episode So Far: The Hero (1,490,894) Least Sinned Episode: The Shell (-999, 958)
Previous Episode: https://www.reddit.com/gumball/comments/1d9wxta/eww_the_mirro

Yesterday while i was brainlessly scrolling through YouTube shorts and videos i came across one specific videos that really got my attention. The video was made by one of those YouTube channels that only make those cringy anime edits with too many filters on, the channel in question had about a few thousand subscribers, but the thing that made this channel different than the others of its kind is that every video on the channel was titled only with a lowercase letter of the English alphabet. The video that i am searching was titled "g" and it was no shorter than a minute. The video showed some random anime girl in a white void with light brown hair reaching her shoulder in a Japanese school uniform of the same color using her hand to just straight up perforate her head exactly like Muzan did when he finished off Akaza before transforming him into a demon in Kimetsu No Yaiba. The video was also accompanied by an excessive amount of filters and some forgettable slowed + reverb music and it was the most popular video on that channel by a large margin, with this particular video having about 88k views and the second most popular video on said channel reaching only about 4k views. I have no fucking idea to what anime the clip of the video belonged to so if you know that anime l'd be really cool of you could tell me. Although I generally find anime edits of this type pretty cringe and edgy, this one really got etched into my memory due to its distressing nature and i also found it really cool since it had that weirdcore aesthetic that i so dearly love. I've practically spent this entire afternoon attempting to insert the right key words into the YT search bar futilely trying to get that goddamn video to pop up only to be met with random videos with barely any views and family friendly videos that just so happened to have the letter "g" in the title of the video. I don't remember the name of the channel and the details that I've listed above are all l've been able to dig up from my memory. I'm getting desperate and I hope that someone here will be able to answer my question.