welp, i tried it. had appetite suppressed for maybe a week, after that - nothing. in recovery from bulimia, i now struggle with binge eating, which means i literally don’t even have to be hungry to overeat, its all in my head lol. first week the food noise was gone and it was wonderful and super helpful. i am taking the full dose daily. i have one pill left and will not be refilling. i lost maybe 2 pounds but keep fluctuating. i understand you still have to eat in a calorie deficit with this medicine, which i know is ultimately why i haven’t really lost. trying to not really count calories bc i dont want to fall back in to restrictive habits and i thought this medicine would help me eat more intuitively, i just didn’t have that luck. hope you guys have a better experience!! :) good luck to you all

Welcome to our fifth discussion of Leviathan Wakes. Hold onto your cool detective hats or your environment suits, because we finally get some answers to our mystery! This week, we will discuss Chapters 34-40. The Marginalia post is here. You can find the Schedule here.
The discussion questions are below. One note - this is a very popular book series and TV show, but please keep in mind that not everyone has read or watched already, so be mindful not to include anything that could be a hint or a spoiler! Please mark spoilers not related to this section of the book using the format > ! Spoiler text here !< (without any spaces between the characters themselves or between the characters and the first and last words).
Now brace yourselves: here comes the juice!
Chapter Summaries:
Chapter 34 - Miller: Detective Miller and the crew of the Roci board the hidden ship (the one that captured the crew of the Scopuli before destroying it), wearing environment suits because the ship has no atmosphere - someone left the doors open. They stick together at first as they move through the ship, discovering signs of a struggle, zombie vomit, and twelve torpedo tubes big enough to destroy capital ships like the Donnager or the Canterbury. Miller uses his detective skills to determine that everyone but Julie retreated to engineering. Once there, they discover a truly grisly sight: layers of human flesh and bones are sort of fused around the reactor, which has been shut down. Naomi and Holden gasp in shock and disgust, Miller turns on his cop brain to suppress emotion and view it as a crime scene, and Amos seems… calm and able to ignore the gore. The team splits up to look for more clues.
Amos stays in engineering to start up the computers and get the reactor back online. Naomi works on the ops deck to run diagnostics. Miller and Holden head to the bridge, which wasn’t affected by the fighting onboard. Miller reviews the internal feeds and finds footage showing the captured Scopuli crew being led onto the ship, stripped, and put in restraints. Julie fights back viciously but is knocked unconscious and stuffed in a locker with a jumpsuit (which is where we met her in the prologue). The crew is left in the galley for 132 hours before they decide to make a stand, but it is quickly suppressed. One of the crew is thrown out an airlock and the others are heavily restrained as they scream and cry. Just as Miller gets to the first appearance of a vomit zombie (at hour 160 of footage), Amos yells that he’s been exposed to some radiation because the human flesh blob had damaged the reactor shielding. He decides to keep working while Alex monitors his health status from the Roci.
Then Holden calls Miller over to view one of the last feeds Julie accessed. It’s a corporate presentation video created for a man named Dresden and the board of Protogen. It features a man Miller dubs “the sociopath” because of his cold, practiced smile…and because of the content. The sociopath tells the board (and us) the history of scientific discovery on Phoebe, which was thought to just be a moon and a source of water, but became a research station when a survey found complex silicon structures in the ice. Protogen was tasked with investigating and discovered that Phoebe is not a moon but evidence of a galactic biosphere: it is an alien weapon sent towards Earth 2 ⅓ billion years ago, which never made it because of orbital mechanics. Protogen has discovered that this weapon is not alive per se; rather, it is something they’ve termed the “protomolecule” which has the ability to maintain structure while replicating other systems and manipulating them at scalable rates. Of course, they alerted the proper authorities and made sure… just kidding, they’ve secretly been doing tests. The sociopath believes that whoever controls the protomolecule will gain control of all political and economic power going forward. Chillingly, the sociopath urges them to pursue large-scale testing to understand the protomolecule and its human applications. That large-scale testing is Eros.
TL;DR - Julie found evidence that Protogen (her dad’s company) has discovered an alien weapon, branded it the “protomolecule”, and secretly tested it on the people of Eros (and probably other smaller tests). The entire war has just been a distraction.
Chapter 35 - Holden: Naomi explains that most of the messages on the comm logs have been coded, but the last one is in plain text: the captain informed Thoth Station that the ship was contaminated, everyone was about to die, and the “materials” had been secured. He also planned to send vector data so they could find the ship. The Roci crew put two and alien-symbol-for-two together: they figure out that the captain has locked protomolecule samples in his safe. They also decide that the tightbeam messages were being sent to a secret research station Protogen was using to monitor the Eros experiment. Even though the fact “Naomi is the best” is a proven concept on par with “space is cold”, she is NOT able to open the captain’s safe, so they decide to cut it out of the wall and bring it with them on the Roci. They also scuttle the ship so no one can a) recover the stealth technology and alien weapons, or b) get exposed to the protomolecule-human soup inside. (Amos would have preferred to hack the frozen dead body goo off the reactor with a chainsaw and salvage such an impressive and expensive ship, which is… another way to go.)
It’s clear that someone else with stealth tech is searching actively for this ship, but the Roci won’t see them coming so they decide to get the hell out of Dodge. Naomi jokes that their options include turning the safe over to the OPA (they’d be heroes), selling out to Mars (they’d be rich), or starting their own biotech firm (just kidding, that’s evil). When Miller checks in with Holden about a decision on where to go next, he drops a figurative bomb on him regarding actual bombs in the news. Since Holden did his best Edward Snowden impersonation and leaked the data that the mystery ships are from Earth, Mars asked a few too many questions and in response, Earth has blown up a whole bunch of Martian ships and destroyed the Deimos deep radar station. Miller ruefully gives Holden credit for sticking to his guns about his belief in “free information”. He also points out that Holden’s principles make him responsible for all those deaths and the destruction of the Earth-Mars Coalition… and possibly the universe as they know it.
Chapter 36 - Miller: The war between Mars and the Belt seems like no big deal now that Earth and Mars are fighting. Miller watches the news feeds as the conflict turns into a blockade, and he realizes he is steeling himself for an announcement of a planetary attack on Earth or Mars, but it never comes. He and Amos deal with the stress by having beer for breakfast.
Miller meets up with Holden in the med bay for their routine blood flushes and cancer treatments, and they reopen their debate about what to do with the data files and who is to blame for the war(s).

• Holden’s position: Broadcast everything to everyone! (I know, I know, so out of character, right?) People will understand that they’ve been set up and will turn their wrath on Protogen instead of each other. Also, these are ancient conflicts. The Belt has always hated Mars and the inner planets in general. Mars and Earth have always had animosities secretly brewing and they do military training for the inevitable showdown. Or as Miller puts it, “Not my powder keg; I just brought the match.”
• Miller’s position: Stop and consider what people will do if they hear an Earth company did this. Every other data leak has been used as an excuse to shoot at someone the other side doesn’t like. Also, people suck. They aren’t going to hold hands and sing Kumbaya just because Protogen is the bad guy. They’ll move on to shooting each other so they can be the ones to control the protomolecule. Or as Holden puts it, “Maybe Protogen is a little right. People are too dumb to be trusted with big information so we should keep hard, scary stuff a big secret. That’ll totally work out.”

Holden’s idealism starts to fade as he takes in Miller’s hard truths about humanity. To be fair, Miller loses a little idealism over his perceptions of the inner planets’ relationship which, to the Belt, seemed stable and friendly enough (and united against them). Miller encourages Holden to use Naomi’s judgment as a measuring stick for whether something is right (similar to how he uses illusion-Julie as his conscience and sounding board) and then he goes back to the news feeds to watch Ceres slowly collapse into chaos. Holden decides the only person and place he trusts - or at least doesn’t completely distrust - is Fred Johnson on Tycho Station, so they head there. Holden also wonders why they don’t just destroy the safe and make sure everyone stays away from Eros and Phoebe; Miller admits it’s because the protomolecule might just be the holy grail.
Chapter 37 - Holden: The crew of the Roci is taking a break from doom scrolling to cook fake space lasagna for dinner and bond over the food and conversation. As Holden watches the crew laugh at Amos’s belches and Miller’s wild story about cheese smuggling, he reflects that they represent all three prongs of the conflict: Naomi and Miller are Belters, Amos and he are from Earth, and Alex is from Mars. Yet they’re friends, and Holden knows this is what they have to fight for. The cheese smuggling makes no sense to Amos (why cheese and not drugs?), and Naomi points out that this illustrates how little people from the inner planets understand Belters. Earthers have free air and easy access to resources, while Belters know everything that sustains life is rare and their access to it is fragile. And this is why Protogen didn’t blink an eye before killing 1.5 million Belters on Eros: they’re “other”. Then Alex points out that this doesn’t make sense; it's a risky and unnecessarily complicated way to kill people just to satisfy prejudices. It becomes clear that Eros isn’t a hate crime, it’s a vacuum-sealed test tube to let the protomolecule learn how to do its job better by giving it access to a huge amount of biomass. The early transformations looked incomplete, as if it didn’t know how to work with human flesh yet, so Protogen was giving it a chance to train. Holden wants to know where they would even find enough people who would support an evil operation like this, and Miller promises to ask Dresden (the Protogen board member mentioned in the video) when they meet him. Something tells me that conversation won’t go well.
As the Roci approaches Tycho station, Holden and Miller take in the view of the Nauvoo, the partially constructed Mormon generation ship. When Miller says the Mormans may be in for a long and lonely death if they don’t find a habitable planet, Holden notes that this is the good kind of galactic exploration humans can accomplish (the protomolecule being the bad kind). Miller then asks Holden why he trusts Fred, and Holden explains that in addition to being the only person who hasn’t tried to jail them or blow them up since all this began, Fred is “real OPA”: he’s a politician and not part of the war-mongering factions who think they can survive indefinitely without the inner planets. When Miller points out that there isn’t a political solution to Protogen, Holden insists Fred has other skills, too. Later, Fred reads through all the information on the protomolecule and is incredulous that anyone could think to do this. Miller assures him that genocide is an old-school crime and it’s important that they stop it. Holden offers up the location of the observation station in exchange for enough OPA fighters to take down Protogen, and the right to retain custody of the safe and its contents. Fred agrees only after Holden points out that no one else can be trusted to do the right thing with a secret this big. Plus, he says Fred already knows what Holden will do with it.
Chapter 38 - Miller: It feels strange to Miller to explore the wide open spaces of Tycho Station, the fanciest place he has ever set foot on. He notices Naomi working on her hand terminal and letting her food get cold; she is too preoccupied with trying to figure out the location of the station to enjoy the amenities. As they talk, Miller is reminded of Havelock’s advice to just let go when he got pulled off a case, which jogs his memory that Havelock actually works for Protogen! (I’m surprised he didn’t get there faster; maybe everyone had a point that he was sort of a washed up detective.) He rushes off to make contact with his old buddy - probably his last real partner ever - in an encrypted drop site of a Ganymede server cluster. As he waits for a response, Miller is amused to realize he has started thinking like Holden: he feels like someone should warn the Mormans that they could potentially run into the alien creators of the protomolecule who may want to kill them. Havelock comes through, passing along the coordinates to a “very scary deep research and development lab” and asking Miller to be discreet never contact him again so he doesn’t get killed for betraying his employer. Miller sends him an encrypted warning to quit his job ASAP and not take postings at any black ops sites, before saying goodbye for the last time to the only person that still respected him as a cop. (I may or may not be sniffling a bit at this.)
Miller rounds up Naomi and Holden so they can bring Fred the coordinates. In Fred’s office, Miller starts lecturing him about the serious nature of the mission and the need to have a solid plan with adequate firepower, not the usual OPA shenanigans. Everyone’s a little confused until they realize that Miller doesn’t know that Fred is “the butcher of Anderson Station” and a former Colonel in the Earth Navy. Fred assures Miller he’s no amateur and will plan ahead. Miller then insists that he get to come along for the assault on Thoth Station. Eight days later, the plan is set in motion and Miller begins packing his meager belongings into a very small bag, figuring he’ll never see the Roci again. Even if he makes it off Thoth alive, he’ll have to figure out a way to make money and improvise a life plan of some sort. He tries to thank Holden and say goodbye, but the Roci’s captain interrupts Miller to ask where they’ll all meet up after the mission is complete. Miller is confused at first, then overcome with emotion when he realizes Holden considers Miller part of the crew! I’m not crying, you’re crying. Actually, it’s Miller who is weeping. But he pulls himself together so he can head to the assault ship.
Chapter 39 - Holden: The Rocinante needs to sneak up on Thoth Station, so they are pretending to be a loose cargo container that broke off the Guy Molinari (the Belter ship carrying the assault team, which is pretending to be a cargo ship). They fly with everything shut down so that it’s more convincing, hoping they can get close enough to the station to do some damage before Thoth starts firing back. As they approach and are able to reboot everything needed for battle, a stealth ship is spied hanging out near Thoth Station. Then, suddenly it becomes clear that there are two small stealth ships, which will be much harder to fight off. Everyone does their jobs efficiently on the Roci, but in the ensuing battle with the stealth ships, they start to take some damage. First, the Roci is hit by a gauss cannon that goes straight through the machine shop and galley. Holden mourns his coffee maker. Amos notices a leak in the maneuvering thrusters and heads to fix it between the inner and outer hulls, which isn’t an ideal place to be floating around during a battle. This stresses Naomi out, but Holden orders everyone to stay focused. They are able to take out one of the stealth ships, but the other gets close enough to do some impressive damage to the Roci. There is major hull damage as well as loss of four maneuvering thrusters, a PDC, their O2 storage, and the crew airlock. Alex is about to destroy the second stealth ship when the Roci’s point defense cannons (PDCs) detonate an enemy warhead up close. It knocks everyone out, punches holes throughout the Roci (narrowly missing Naomi), dislodges equipment, and fills the ship with debris. Holden marvels that they are alive at all, and Alex points out that is only because the ship’s anti-spalling webbing eliminates shrapnel. They make contact with Fred, who says he’ll find them a place to land, and the Guy Molinari prepares for the assault on Thoth Station. It’s Miller’s turn to shine!
Chapter 40 - Miller: On the Guy Molinari, Miller is talking to a Belter kid named Diogo as they wait for the assault to start. Miller realizes that while he has fancy Martian armor from the Roci and experience with gunfights in station corridors, he is surrounded by inexperienced young Belters with borrowed gear, and he will likely have to watch dozens of them die during the battle. But Diogo isn’t worried; he is confident and eager to get started. Fred announces that they are ready to start boarding since the Roci gave them the “all clear”, and Miller is happy to hear his friends have survived. The assault on the station starts off rough, with Protogen soldiers fighting them in the corridors and automatic defense lasers taking out some of the Belters in the first wave. But Fred knows how to command his OPA “troops” and keep them in line, and things start to go more smoothly as they slow down and maneuver carefully. Miller and Diogo are part of a group taking shelter at Fred’s direction and fending off Protogen counterattacks, and they start to talk during a lull. When two Protogen soldiers sneak up on them from behind, Diogo is hit and Miller chastises himself for chatting during a battle and not staying alert. He thinks Diogo is dead, but he pops up laughing and streaked with white goo from crowd suppression rounds, which Miller finds an odd choice of weapon. It’s the first sign that Thoth Station may not totally understand what’s happening. The OPA soldiers cut their way through the blast doors to get to the operations center, where they find Dresden (the dude mentioned in the sociopath’s Protogen video). Fred arrives to take command of the station, and Dresden offers to negotiate, clearly misunderstanding the reason for the assault. He offers to give the OPA whatever resources they need to go back to fighting their war (money, medical supplies, weapons, ordnance) if they’ll just leave and let the station get back to their very important work. Fred points out that they know about Eros, but Dresden insists no one knows what they did there, and there won’t be a better bargaining position for Fred when Earth sends its battleships. Fred basically calls Dresden Satan, but Dresden doesn’t understand the reference.

TL;DR: Fulgrim's soul being hollowed out for the daemon in the Laer Blade. Snake Fulgrim is still Fulgrim.
Often when I see discussions on Fulgrim and Reflection Crack'd, it feels like the people who like one despise the other, mostly over the fate of Fulgrim. I'm currently up to Book 20 in the Horus heresy series with the anthology containing Reflection Crack'd and I'm a little confused over the disparaging reactions that I've seen to these books. I'd like to think that the events of the two books can be considered consistent over his fate assuming the rule of "everything is canon, not everything is true", combined with a theory which can be rationalised in part based on a few other tidbits of lore from outside the series itself. I would like to clarify and apologise beforehand though, as I've not read any EC content as of yet outside of the Horus Humbug, and cannot provide excerpts.
So the question I'd like to ask is exactly WHY we believe that the Fulgrim at the end of Reflection Crack'd is still the same Fulgrim, because I reckon the answer is mixed, not quite on either side. What if Fulgrim were not possessed by the daemon, but his soul carved up and diluted/ replaced in part with the Daemon. I have a few ideas I'd like to share as to why/ how this is:

• Ending of Fulgrim (book)
  • When Fulgrim gives himself over to the Daemon at the end of Fulgrim, I believe that his soul was also conceded to the Daemon (they may have said this, but can't find the excerpt) and I believe this is what is referred to by the transformation. The corruption of Fulgrim up until this point involves the Daemon imitating Fulgrim in his own head, and I do not believe there is a reason to assume that the Daemon would simply stay out of his soul when fully in control, he is able to actively move Fulgrim's soul in Reflection Crack'd, it assumes some degree of control over Fulgrim's soul.
• Transformation in Reflection Crack'd
  • The transformation referred to throughout Reflection Crack'd is where I believe we see the Daemon carving up Fulgrim's soul, replacing Fulgrim's soul in part with himself. We hear descriptions of what is happening to Fulgrim's body through Fabius, yet despite "excising" and having reassumed control long before supposedly, he is still "transforming". At the end Fulgrim even confirms that he had completed his transformation. You could argue that turning part Daemon would've made Fulgrim into a possessed or daemon prince at that stage, but rather than Fulgrim turning into a daemon, what I'm suggesting is the opposite. The Daemon turned into him. We do not know at what stage the Daemon Fulgrim is in charge or not, but I believe at the time of the Ferrus visions in the crystal forest, the reaction of the Daemon is a giveaway, as it is taking on his traits and feelings.
• Presumed honesty of Fulgrim in the final scene
  • When Fulgrim is talking with his legion at the end seems to be the basis for the assumption that it is Fulgrim at this point without the Daemon who is in charge and willingly or otherwise fully corrupted. I would argue that Fulgrim here, or whatever he is, is an extremely unreliable source of information as some of the things he says regarding not being particularly moved over the death of Ferrus is a lie. We can base this off of the moment itself where he gives into the Daemon, and post-heresy where we hear about the repeated cloning of Ferrus, he was affected and feels guilt. With this clear contradiction, it seems odd to trust the sincerity of Fulgrim there on being able to regain control of his body when any sort of Daemon corrupted version of him would have no incentive at all to be honest about that. So in the same speech, we know he was both lying and had no reason, to be honest.
• The Observations of Lucius
  • We do not know when Lucius looked into the painting the first time, just how much of Fulgrims soul was in there, just that he knew that what was in there was surely "Fulgrim" based on his own suspicions. Later on at the end, he looks at the painting, he believes he sees the enmity of an eternal soul trapped in the painting and relishes in the idea of such a creature being trapped. But we do not know whether or not he is correct here, we just assume he is. It could be the final piece of Fulgrim which had been carved out to make room for the Daemon, it could be the Daemon, it could be Fulgrim in his entirety. He was already wrong at least once or twice, when he first observed the painting (which could've been any of the three above suggestions) and when he tortured Fulgrim, where he asserts that Fulgrim is the daemon when Fulgrim otherwise (seemingly correctly) claims to be himself.
• Clonegrim
  • I know, I know this one is a dead horse commonly discussed about primarch returns and all that. I wish to clarify that I intend to get around to the clonelord series and that I am not arguing for some loyalist Fulgrim clone or whatnot returning. What I am here to argue is the idea that this clone has the primarch aura effect because he in fact has part of Fulgrim's soul. That this was, as claimed in clonelord, a true clone of Fulgrim and that this Fulgrim had at least in part a piece of Fulgrim's soul. The soul of a primarch which is supposed to cause the primarch aura effect, and is of more consequence than their bodies, it is that which gives them real power. Something is in that clone, I would argue its the tossed-aside part of Fulgrim, the seed pit of his soul as it were that was replaced to make room for the Daemon.

Now I love these books, how insidious the presentation of Slaaneshi corruption is, and the particular subversion of Fulgrim through the Laer blade. When I look at Fulgrim, I see a dementia patient who is being subverted not through the loss of memory but rather a reinterpretation of it through what he believes to be himself. I see a Fulgrim who is being broken down, ready to be reconstituted and with this theory I believe that's exactly what happens. Fulgrim still falls, he does it through his own ignorance and arrogance, with the Daemon in the blade using Fulgrims insecurities as a means of leading him to damnation, but not driving him there. That was done by Fulgrim himself, and with the end of Fulgrim (book) we see where his fate is sealed, at the mercy of the Daemon in the blade.
I want to be clear, this theory is not to diminish the fate of Fulgrim, the flaws of his which lead him there, or what Fulgrim is the "real" Fulgrim. The idea behind this is that snake Fulgrim is still the principal Fulgrim, and that the involvement of the Daemon is more similar to the fate of Lotara's ghost. The difference is that he wasn't forced out from behind the wheel, he gave up control willingly in the selfish desire for oblivion. This theory is a means of connecting the two images people have of Fulgrim from between the two books and how one might explain why he "willingly" fell to Slaanesh after all he was put through in Fulgrim (book). He did do so willingly, it is just that after submission to Slaanesh and the Daemon, not all of him was needed.
Other reaches for evidence/ ideas:

• The Daemon in the Laer Blade has yet to be named (as far as I'm aware). This could be intentional as the Daemon had yet to reach the point of WHO it was supposed to be until it got its mitts on Fulgrims dangly soul bits. Or it is just unimportant.
• Comments from the Author of Fulgrim which discuss the belief that Fulgrim's "angel" would have won out in the end without the influence of the Laer Blade. The idea being twofold in that the "devil" side as it were was already present in Fulgrim (figuratively speaking) and was what the Daemon exploited. Perhaps the angel bit could be extrapolated as a bit of less useful Fulgrim soul that a daemon could replace, though I'm not claiming the authors intent on that second point.

(If this theory already exists somewhere sorry for the rehash)

Reddit Account: MallAffectionate9
Discord Tag: m.ro
Name and House: Marq Grafton.
Age: 32.
Cultural Group: Valeman Andal.
Appearance: Taller than a Grafton has any right to be at six-foot-four, wide of shoulder and hard with muscle. Blonde and fair-skinned, with wavy short hair and an equally short beard. Blue-eyed and handsome, most commonly dressed in fineries bearing the colors of his house.
Trait: Strong.
Skill(s): Two-Handed Weapons (E), Andal Knight (E), First Man Warrior.
Talent(s): Hunting, axe-throwing, playing dice.
Negative Trait(s): N/A.
Starting Title(s): Ser, Heir to Gulltown, the Magnificent.
Starting Location: King's Landing.
Timeline:
7 BC - Marq is born in Gulltown as the first child of his parents.
3 BC - Marq's younger sister, Maris, is born in Gulltown.
0 BC - Marq's father, Ser Mandon, dies after Vhagar sets the Gulltown fleet on fire during the Battle off Gulltown. Marq becomes the heir to Gulltown.
1 AC - Marq is sent as a page and cup-bearer to [placeholder].
4 AC - Marq is sent off to [placeholder] to squire for [placeholder].
11 AC - Marq is knighted for valor at one of the many melees hosted at Driftmark.
14 AC - Marq wins a melee at Driftmark.
16 AC - Marq attends the festivities in the Kingswood, only narrowly escaping with his life but distinguishing himself as a warrior and not a mere tourney knight.
20 AC - Marq marries Corenna Corbray, the first-born daughter of Lord Corwyn Corbray of Heart's Home.
21 AC - Marq places well in the lists at the Strawberry tourney, though is defeated by Ser Roland Arryn. The two befriend eachother.
23 AC - Marq places second in a melee at Driftmark.
25 AC - Marq travels toward the capital for the name-day celebrations of the two heirs to the throne to represent his lord grandfather, who cites reasons of age for not attending - but in truth just refuses to attend a dragon's celebrations.
Family Tree: Link.
Supporting Characters:
Lady Maris Grafton - Ship Captain - Younger sister, Captain of the Beacon Fire and the de-facto Admiral of Gulltown. Wife of Ser Jonos Arryn.
Maester Osfryd - Scholar - Maester of Gulltown, a landed knight's bastard from a small village near Rosby. An experienced historian who dabbles in the healing arts - among other things.
Non-Archetyped NPCs:
Ser Gerold Grafton - Lord Commander of the City Watch of Gulltown, uncle.
Ser Jon Grafton - Sworn shield of Lord Mathos, son of Ser Gerold, cousin.
Rhea Grafton - Cousin, daughter of Ser Gerold.
Uther Shett - Seneschal.
Mandon - Septon.
Alys - Septa.
Ser Qyle Stone - Master-at-Arms.
Ser Creighton Arryn (of Gulltown) - Captain of the Guards.
Ser Pate the Sailor - Harbormaster.
Alloquo of Braavos - Shipwright.

Auxiliary Character:

Name and House: Mathos Grafton.
Age: 74.
Cultural Group: Valeman Andal.
Appearance: Wrinkled and nearly bald, with white hair and equally white whiskers - save for a stubborn bit of his moustache that maintains the Grafton coloring, Mathos looks just about how you'd expect a man of his advanced age to look like. Standing at five-foot-ten, the years have withered away what was once a slim albeit muscular body. Blue-eyed and fair-skinned, with an authoritative look about him. Though he just looks old now, he was considered a dashing young man in his prime.
Trait: Numerate.
Skill(s): Avaricious (E), Scrutinous
Talent(s): Finance, reading, hawking, brooding.
Negative Trait(s): Elderly.
Starting Title(s): Lord of Gulltown, Warden of the Bay of Crabs, Protector of Trade, Ser, the Old.
Starting Location: Gulltown.
Biography:
Timeline:
49 BC - Mathos is born as the second son of his sire, Lord Maladon Grafton.
30 BC - Mathos is knighted after a naval battle in the Narrow Sea, where a Gulltown merchant convoy comes under attack by pirates from the Summer Isles.
29 BC - Mathos is wed, and soon after his first-born son, Mandon, is born.
26 BC - Mathos embarks on a journey across the world, travelling from the Arbor to Qarth. During this time, his elder brother Alesandor throws himself out of the Moon Door at the Eyrie for reasons not entirely clear to anyone else, making Mathos the heir to Gulltown.
22 BC - After the death of his father from injuries sustained during a duel of honor against the Lord of Longbow Hall, Mathos becomes the Lord of Gulltown.
19 BC - Mathos's second-born, Gerold, is born at Gulltown.
12 BC - Mathos enacts a new customs policy, bringing in lucrative amounts of exotic trade from Essos. With his new-found wealth, he finances a vast fleet to be constructed.
7 BC - Mathos's grandson, Marq, is born at Gulltown.
3 BC - Mathos's granddaughter, Maris, is born at Gulltown.
0 BC - Mathos' eldest, Mandon, dies at the Battle off Gulltown after the Gulltown armada's defeat of the Targaryen fleet. While the Vale of Arryn, and Gulltown with it, swears fealty to the three-headed dragon, Mathos swears a vow of vengeance in secret.
7 AC - Mathos discreetly finances a Riverlander plot to assassinate King Aegon I Targaryen, which succeeds.
11 AC - Mathos's grandson and heir, Marq, is knighted.
20 AC - Mathos arranges a marriage between his grandson, Ser Marq, and Cyrenna Corbray.
22 AC - Mathos withdraws from the council of advisors at the Eyrie, citing reasons of advanced age.

It’s a long one but it’s a must read ..
I want to say this all started beginning of this year. Let’s get right into it. I’m going to give a backstory of the house I live in for context. I live in a very spacious home in CT with my boyfriend and his family. I’ve been there for 3 years. My boyfriend and I live in the basement which is fully finished, basically our own apartment. The house was built in 2000.
One of the first things that was weird about this property to me was the fact that it comes up on maps as a church cemetery. When you google that cemetery though, it is set about a mile or so down the road on the other end. Weird little coincidence I think. Anyways, I started noticing out of the corner of my eye a grayish/white shadow in my kitchen area at night. I chalked it up to seeing something only because I had drank that night and I let it go. Well I kept seeing this figure a few times a week and when no drinks were involved, I started to think it was weird. The figure was tall but I couldn’t really see any facial features, it was more so a side profile and then it would disappear.
*Now it’s March and I see a post on Facebook from my boyfriend’s mother. She and I work at hospitals and she had asked if anyone else in healthcare had brought a spirit home. She felt like she was being “watched”. I ran to my messages to let her know about that figure I saw in the basement. This was on March 6th of this year. I believe she saged the house after I told her this. Honestly, everything was good for about a month. I wasn’t seeing the shadow and life resumed.
*Here comes April 24 2024, my boyfriend’s mother made another post saying that she needed a house cleansing, and that things were good for a little bit and then started up again. Hearing knocking and the dogs going crazy at weird hours. And once again I tell her about my experience I had before she even made her post. I was getting up in the night to pee, I swing my legs over and as soon as my feet touch the floor, my printer in the corner of the room near my kitchen completely illuminates and I can see every inch of the basement. It creeped me out but I did my thing and went back to bed.
*A week later I am in bed again and my boyfriend is asleep and I have been having trouble sleeping so I was barely asleep. All of the sudden I’m woken up from the feeling of the edge of my bed being hit and I feel the hair near my face move. That one definitely scared me. I just pulled the covers up to my head and went back to bed.
*May 10th 2024, she posted that she saw a dark black/grey mass floating in the house. That specific night my boyfriend and I were in Maine for the weekend and came home the following day. I had not seen her post until two days later after my experience on Mother’s Day
*May 12th 2024. On this day, it was the one year anniversary of having my baby removed after a second trimester miscarriage. It was also Mother’s Day. I was enjoying the day with my boyfriend’s family and I went in the house to get food. As I’m standing at the island I see something move, it was a black floating shadow somewhat low to the ground not tall at all. I looked at it as it moved down the hallway that is right in front of my basement door. When I asked my MIL about her experience and where she saw the shadow, she said it was in the EXACT spot I just saw it. As we stand there talking about it, the smoke alarms go off. I want to say that so far, my boyfriend’s mother, his sister and I have all seen and experienced things in the past months. My boyfriend and his father have not seen/heard anything. I am terrified to be in the house alone, I just get this awful feeling when I’m there alone.
**A woman at my work is a paranormal investigator and I was telling her my story when she interrupted me and asked “do you light candles?” I said yes but not recently. She said “ I have something telling me, “Go ahead, light that candle” so please do not light any candles” We just found out that there was a previous house on the property, which had burnt down. I am beyond freaked out.

Ok, this is gonna be a rant about the things I didn't like about the ending. Not the whole series, just the ending arc or episode. Although it does effect the whole series. So be prepared for criticisms 😬
I just finished watching the last part of AOT.
TL;DR: While it was overall entertaining, I'm unsatisfied with some of plotlines, characters, and how things turned out at the end of the story.
SPOILER ALERT if you haven't watched it already.
First thing comes in my mind, Eren killing his own mother. Why was it necessary? To ignite the flames of hatred within his past self? That titan eating his mother in front of him could have been a random occurrence or unforeseen incidence and that should have been enough to ignite any kind of hatred inside him. I mean if he was trying to protect his friends why would he kill his mother? She wasn't his friend? This just felt so out of character.
How, in the end, did everything turned out to be a 'romance' or love story? Ymir loved king Fritz? That just came out of nowhere. Ymir going to war, sacrificing herself to save the king. These just show that she is a slave who lost or lacks her will. There wasn't any love or romantic feeling in that. But who knows the king might have loved her in offscreen. But I didn't know that. It was more like a 'stockholm syndrome'. But there was no mention of it, nor was there any explanation.
Also Eren loved mikasha so much that he wants her to stay unmarried for ten years after his death and mourn for him? Why! Where did that even come from? These plots felt like what some might call an 'asspull'.
But what I disliked most is all these 'asspulls' becoming central plot points. How do you stop rumbling and end titans? By showing that mentally ill girl that it is possible to kill the person you love who is your abuser. Who knew in the end AOT is all about overcoming stockholm syndrome.
But I still don't get it why Ymir stopped Titans? What did she think about Mikasha kissing Eren's severed head? The main issue I have with it is that they didn't have any direct control over all these titan thing. It was completely dependent on Ymir's will. What if she didn't wish for it even after seeing Eren's death. It just felt so unconvincing.
There is nothing to talk about Mikasha. Her whole character revolves around 'Ereh'. She barely has any purpose for 90% of the story. She is like a walking mannequin. I enjoyed Gabi character far more than her.
I already talked about Eren. That whole time travel thing 'mindfucked' him upside down. Did he really think that the people who hate them to death for their titan blood will suddenly accept some of his friends after they stop him, a literally titan god with an over 300 thousands titan army, who massacred 80% of humanity? You just gave them more reasons to Assassinate your people. Morally grey? He didn't even have any moral. He is villain, straight up. His character is very inconsistent. And author tried to redeem it by saying, he is stupid. Although it was effective it wasn't convincing enough because you can literally make a character do any random out of character staff and just call them 'stupid'.
Lastly Levi's character handled poorly. He was overpowered so ofcourse the author had to nerf him to bring the plot in Eren's favour. He didn't kill him that time . But in the end his death resting on that rock would have been best conclusion for his character. But the author still kept him alive and decided to give him a wheelchair instead. You know 'Jujutsu Kaisen' has this same kind of issue, an excessive OP character who isn't protagonist. I wonder what's going to happen to him. Although I've seen few other series handle it properly.
OST, voice acting, animation, all the chaos going on in the background elevate the anime and make it more entertaining and kind of distract viewers from the plots. That's why I'll give the anime adaptation a 9/10 and plot wise the ending was 4/10 for me. And because "All is well that ends well", even though it didn't end well for me, it was still entertaining and full of thrill, I'll give the whole AOT a 7.5/10.

Hi, I’d like some advice on how I can cope while we try and move out of here, as my mental health is starting to get severely impacted. For some background I am a 23 year old f and my 24 year old boyfriend has moved into my parents home from England, I’m in Scotland. Before he moved here I warned him my parents house was bad, but he said he didn’t care and just wanted to get a job up here ASAP. Then the recession was announced lmao. We’ve been here a few months and the longer he’s here the more comfortable my parents get. It’s not that they’re massive hoarders, although we do have a huge accumulation of things that aren’t needed, you can walk around and use things without it being too messy. However, they are filthy. The last time the shower was cleaned was September when I last done it, I’m doing social sciences in uni, I’m their adopted daughter diagnosed with BPD, and they have two sons who are 25 and 29 who don’t help either. I try to keep the place clean, but it’s getting to the point of impacting my school work, if I want to eat, if I want to do anything, I need to clean up after other people first. My dad is obese and can’t clean himself correctly after the toilet, and will often clean himself in the shower and then leaves poo all over the shower floor. When I tell him about this he will get mad at me for bringing it up, and my mum will “clean” it by spraying water at it but it never gets cleaned. I constantly am scared of getting e. coli or something when I shower. We have even been encouraged to list as homeless by a local charity who was concerned for me, but I’ve been waiting for months now with no luck because of Scotlands housing emergency. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done everything I can so far to get out, it’s just a waiting game. How can I cope?????

Hi, you can call me Storm! I'm 30 and the mom of a loud and demanding cat.
I’m a multiple paragraphs/novella style writer. I love to write detailed descriptions and delve into a character’s head/emotions as well as surroundings. I compare it to writing a novel together. Not every reply has to be novella length, however. If there are action or dialogue heavy scenes, I tend to do a shorter back and forth to keep the momentum going.
I only do MxF (with me writing the female role). I don’t double, but I’m more than happy to write side characters of either gender to help move the story along.
I'm really hoping to find a friendship, someone who can add to our story, and most importantly, someone who wants a long-term connection.It's difficult for me to write with someone if I don't feel that genuine bond. It's also important to me to have a high level of activity, with at least one reply a day.
If you suddenly stop replying ic and ooc, I'll drop the story after 2 attempts of gauging interest spaced a week apart. But feel free to message me if you want to pick the story back up again, even months later.
Searching For:

• 21+ partners (Our characters will be 21+ as well)
  
• An excellent grasp of grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. (Literate to advanced writers only, please. I'm not looking for newbies)
  
• Enthusiasm to chat about our character and ship, how to crush them and then gushing over fluffy moments. I love crying over characters and what the heck they’re doing. I want my heart ripped from my chest from angst, then feeling like it’s going to burst from overwhelming cuteness. I want us to love these characters and the world we create. I want to make pinterest boards, spotify playlists, graphics, and toss headcanons back and forth until late at night.
  
• Have an idea for a scene? Found a picture that inspired you? Send it to me! Be invested when it comes to plotting/worldbuilding. There’s nothing worse than receiving one sentence in reply to two paragraphs of ideas, or having a doormat partner who says “sure” to whatever I ask. Building ideas one on top of the other, watching them snowball into amazing plot threads brings me joy. But having to pull plot ideas like I’m pulling teeth makes me think you’re not interested, and I will lose interest in return. Don't make me carry the entire story.
  
• While I'd prefer real life face claims, I'd also be open to using realistic art if you're uncomfortable with real life. Though I draw the line at anime/cartoon style art.
  

Interests:
modern fantasy, monsters, sci-fi, post apocalyptic/dystopia, soulmates, southern gothic/midwest gothic (i’m a sucker for that southern/texas drawl), horror, grumpy dark men x fiery sweet women, height/size difference, enemies to lovers, slow burn romance, spooky small towns, mysteries/crime, and much more!
I have lots of original plot ideas in mind as well.
Fandoms (OCS ONLY)
Star Wars, Stranger Things, Mercy Thompson Series, True Blood, The Last of Us, Hunger Games, Fallout (TV Show)
I only use discord to write. Drop me a PM or chat message. The most effective way to grab my genuine interest is by messaging me as if we've been friends for years. Please let me know which interests you liked from my ad.

Day 1: - Land at 11AM - Check in @ el colonial - Explore old San Juan -Dinner at el jibaro -Drinks @ la factoría
Day 2: Check out of hotel - el yunque and Luquillo’s tour -Uber to ceiba from Luquillo for 6:30PM FERRY -arrive to vieques &dinner
Day 3: explore vieques
Day 4: check out & head to ferry for ceiba then culebra -take e ferry back to ceiba at 3:30 then Uber back to San Juan -check into hotel by 6 - dinner and Santurce
Day 5: leave to airport at 3:30AM
IS THIS TOO MUCH? I wanted to do 2 days in Culebra or vieques. Should I just choose 1? And two days in San Juan. We have to be in San Juan the last day to get our flight early morning. I also thought of just going straight to Culebra or vieques but my mom wants to see old San Juan first. Please help!!!!

Hello. I don't usually frequent this sub, and I've only skimmed the rules so I hope I don't make any mistakes in formatting.
tl;dr: 5 years ago, I (now 22F) broke up with a long time friend (now 23M) who I was very close with, almost romantically involved. In the meantime, he became diagnosed with schizotypal disorder, was institutionalized by his parents, refused to go to treatment, and began starving himself (eating about once per 1-2 days, regularly not sleeping for 30-40 hours). More than half a year ago, I was contacted by his mother, who said that he was really not doing well, and that he told her I was his closest and most trusted friend. She asked me to help him, but I'm close to giving up. The only reason I haven't is because I feel bad about his mother and that he says he's always in pain.
Just to quickly summarise, the reason we broke up initially was because we had many many arguments over the years -- he had issues obeying boundaries set by others (he claimed that he wanted to hear facts and logic rather than emotions), and I had been insecure, emotionally unstable, and often did not express myself clearly. The breaking point came when he tried to obliquely pressure me into participating in a furry petplay bsdm roleplay with him as a 'dominant' (without using any of the words -- he claimed it was just about ownership, which is really a type of companionship). We argued about it for days before I said okay, fine. (For context, I was neither a furry nor had any knowledge of bdsm, also I was 16.) Incidentally, he has informed me recently that apparently he had already been roleplaying as a submissive for years online at that point, objected to my characterisation of that as grooming, and claimed that he was trying to be subtle about it because it was taboo.
Now to the present. What I've been doing is mostly ignoring him until I'm mentally ready to say something to him, because it causes me some stress to talk to him. However, he has a plan where he'll reveal the root cause of his pain to me, and that'll allow him to finally work on other things I've been asking him to work on (namely, actually eating, sleeping, keeping a diary, and generally taking care of himself). For this reason, the entire week he has been spamming my dms or even calling my phone. Furthermore, he has started calling me on the telegram app whenever he requires my attention and I don't respond. It frustrates me because often he either calls at past midnight hours, where I'm almost asleep, or in late evenings when I'm either doing work or having fun with my actual friends. Once I was drawing with a friend and he insisted I drop what I was doing to tend to him. Even though I always decline the calls, it serves to draw my attention and force me to engage his chat.
This came to a head yesterday night, because it was 2am, and I was about to fall asleep when he called again. He insisted that he needed to call me now, that it was a life or death situation, a once in a lifetime chance for him to "open his muzzle" and reveal truths. I told him no, and he continued asking/begging, either by saying that he was in a lot of pain, or by asking me if I could hide in the washroom for a 5 minute call or type while he talks (I said that it was bloody 2am, I wanted to sleep, and I didn't want to disturb my family). I maintained a flat no and managed to go to bed again after an hour of this silly back and forth.
The next morning he complains that he hasn't slept, feels immense pain, and that he's extremely upset that I did not pick up his call the night before. We argued even further, and when I returned from lunch he had spammed my dm with upwards of 50 messages. I told him to go to sleep if he was in pain, and when he said he couldnt because he was hungry, to get some food. We argued further and he complained that I wasn't supposed to answer to those messages, and that I knew food was a trigger for him.
After even more arguments, I said that if he cannot stop sending messages to me by himself, I can block him and unblock him for a few hours so he can actually sleep. When I blocked him, he called my actual phone, and told me that it's not the correct method to deal with him (because 'denying curiosity is fueling it', and that 'I should tell him to relax and go to sleep'. I told him to screw off and stop calling my phone without permission, and he told me that he wanted me to delete all the messages since the 50 message spam. So now I've told him I've blocked him until a few hours later, and that I will block him if he calls me thrice today (which he did and I promptly blocked his phone number).
The thing is that I know he is deeply sick, but I don't think I can continue helping him if he continues to repeatedly overstep clearly stated boundaries and continuously making excuses for his behavior. Furthermore, he claims he has been trying hard, but I learnt from his mother that he lied about quite a few things prevent his image from being damaged in my eyes. He also never discusses actual steps he takes to improve his problems (namely, starvation??) but would repeatedly write messages about being in pain, about being a feral animal, and about his paranoia about institutions being out to catch him.
Apologies for the long post. Appreciate if anyone has any input. I understand that being in pain makes self-control difficult, but sometimes I feel like he's just using it as an excuse to act on the first impulse that pops into his head.

Hi, you can call me Storm! I'm 30 and the mom of a loud and demanding cat.
I’m a multiple paragraphs/novella style writer. I love to write detailed descriptions and delve into a character’s head/emotions as well as surroundings. I compare it to writing a novel together. Not every reply has to be novella length, however. If there are action or dialogue heavy scenes, I tend to do a shorter back and forth to keep the momentum going.
I only do MxF (with me writing the female role). I don’t double, but I’m more than happy to write side characters of either gender to help move the story along.
I'm really hoping to find a friendship, someone who can add to our story, and most importantly, someone who wants a long-term connection.It's difficult for me to write with someone if I don't feel that genuine bond. It's also important to me to have a high level of activity, with at least one reply a day.
If you suddenly stop replying ic and ooc, I'll drop the story after 2 attempts of gauging interest spaced a week apart. But feel free to message me if you want to pick the story back up again, even months later.
Searching For:

• 21+ partners (Our characters will be 21+ as well)
  
• An excellent grasp of grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. (Literate to advanced writers only, please. I'm not looking for newbies)
  
• Enthusiasm to chat about our character and ship, how to crush them and then gushing over fluffy moments. I love crying over characters and what the heck they’re doing. I want my heart ripped from my chest from angst, then feeling like it’s going to burst from overwhelming cuteness. I want us to love these characters and the world we create. I want to make pinterest boards, spotify playlists, graphics, and toss headcanons back and forth until late at night.
  
• Have an idea for a scene? Found a picture that inspired you? Send it to me! Be invested when it comes to plotting/worldbuilding. There’s nothing worse than receiving one sentence in reply to two paragraphs of ideas, or having a doormat partner who says “sure” to whatever I ask. Building ideas one on top of the other, watching them snowball into amazing plot threads brings me joy. But having to pull plot ideas like I’m pulling teeth makes me think you’re not interested, and I will lose interest in return. Don't make me carry the entire story.
  
• While I'd prefer real life face claims, I'd also be open to using realistic art if you're uncomfortable with real life. Though I draw the line at anime/cartoon style art.
  

Interests:
modern fantasy, monsters, sci-fi, post apocalyptic/dystopia, soulmates, southern gothic/midwest gothic (i’m a sucker for that southern/texas drawl), horror, grumpy dark men x fiery sweet women, height/size difference, enemies to lovers, slow burn romance, spooky small towns, mysteries/crime, and much more!
I have lots of original plot ideas in mind as well.
Fandoms (OCS ONLY)
Star Wars, Stranger Things, Mercy Thompson Series, True Blood, The Last of Us, Hunger Games, Fallout (TV Show)
I only use discord to write. Drop me a PM or chat message. The most effective way to grab my genuine interest is by messaging me as if we've been friends for years. Please let me know which interests you liked from my ad.

Hi, you can call me Storm! I'm 30 and the mom of a loud and demanding cat.
I’m a multiple paragraphs/novella style writer. I love to write detailed descriptions and delve into a character’s head/emotions as well as surroundings. I compare it to writing a novel together. Not every reply has to be novella length, however. If there are action or dialogue heavy scenes, I tend to do a shorter back and forth to keep the momentum going.
I only do MxF (with me writing the female role). I don’t double, but I’m more than happy to write side characters of either gender to help move the story along.
I'm really hoping to find a friendship, someone who can add to our story, and most importantly, someone who wants a long-term connection.It's difficult for me to write with someone if I don't feel that genuine bond. It's also important to me to have a high level of activity, with at least one reply a day.
If you suddenly stop replying ic and ooc, I'll drop the story after 2 attempts of gauging interest spaced a week apart. But feel free to message me if you want to pick the story back up again, even months later.
Searching For:

• 21+ partners (Our characters will be 21+ as well)
  
• An excellent grasp of grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. (Literate to advanced writers only, please. I'm not looking for newbies)
  
• Enthusiasm to chat about our character and ship, how to crush them and then gushing over fluffy moments. I love crying over characters and what the heck they’re doing. I want my heart ripped from my chest from angst, then feeling like it’s going to burst from overwhelming cuteness. I want us to love these characters and the world we create. I want to make pinterest boards, spotify playlists, graphics, and toss headcanons back and forth until late at night.
  
• Have an idea for a scene? Found a picture that inspired you? Send it to me! Be invested when it comes to plotting/worldbuilding. There’s nothing worse than receiving one sentence in reply to two paragraphs of ideas, or having a doormat partner who says “sure” to whatever I ask. Building ideas one on top of the other, watching them snowball into amazing plot threads brings me joy. But having to pull plot ideas like I’m pulling teeth makes me think you’re not interested, and I will lose interest in return. Don't make me carry the entire story.
  
• While I'd prefer real life face claims, I'd also be open to using realistic art if you're uncomfortable with real life. Though I draw the line at anime/cartoon style art.
  

Interests:
modern fantasy, monsters, sci-fi, post apocalyptic/dystopia, soulmates, southern gothic/midwest gothic (i’m a sucker for that southern/texas drawl), horror, grumpy dark men x fiery sweet women, height/size difference, enemies to lovers, slow burn romance, spooky small towns, mysteries/crime, and much more!
I have lots of original plot ideas in mind as well.
Fandoms (OCS ONLY)
Star Wars, Stranger Things, Mercy Thompson Series, True Blood, The Last of Us, Hunger Games, Fallout (TV Show)
I only use discord to write. Drop me a PM or chat message. The most effective way to grab my genuine interest is by messaging me as if we've been friends for years. Please let me know which interests you liked from my ad.

Hello this may be a bit long but looking for some help.
I’ve struggled with Emetophobia since I was about 17 to now “25” It kind of came out of nowhere one day. It was all pretty mild here and there something would spark and I wouldn’t feel well for the day. Gradually it got worse and worse over the years. Now it’s everyday, I work out of town and drive 2.5 hrs sometimes more to where I have to work for the week. I eat about 1 meal a day sometimes two while working and when I eat I immediately feel ill about 25mins afterwards. I can’t burp after a meal because the pressure from it makes me feel like I’m about to vomit so I hold it in till my body forces it out. Also get self induced heartburn with a weird lump in my throat that makes it feel like I’m going to vomit and then anytime my upper or lower stomach starts to hurt I immediately go into a panic and all of the above starts to happen.
I’ve dealt with this for so long and never tried to get help. Just felt like maybe one day this would all go away. I haven’t thrown up since I was a kid maybe 9 years old and never had a traumatic experience with throwing up.
I am open to any suggestions y’all have that may help me or any self remedies to help calm myself down while going into a panic.
I know i probably should talk to a therapist since I haven’t tried to talk to anyone about this issue before. My work schedule is a bit crazy and would rarely have the time to talk to a therapist about my issue but I can try to schedule one here hopefully soon.
Thank you! and sorry this post is kind of all over the place 😅

Hello this may be a bit long but looking for some help.
I’ve struggled with Emetophobia since I was about 17 to now “25” It kind of came out of nowhere one day. It was all pretty mild here and there something would spark and I wouldn’t feel well for the day. Gradually it got worse and worse over the years. Now it’s everyday, I work out of town and drive 2.5 hrs sometimes more to where I have to work for the week. I eat about 1 meal a day sometimes two while working and when I eat I immediately feel ill about 25mins afterwards. I can’t burp after a meal because the pressure from it makes me feel like I’m about to vomit so I hold it in till my body forces it out. Also get self induced heartburn with a weird lump in my throat that makes it feel like I’m going to vomit and then anytime my upper or lower stomach starts to hurt I immediately go into a panic and all of the above starts to happen.
I’ve dealt with this for so long and never tried to get help. Just felt like maybe one day this would all go away. I haven’t thrown up since I was a kid maybe 9 years old and never had a traumatic experience with throwing up.
I am open to any suggestions y’all have that may help me or any self remedies to help calm myself down while going into a panic.
I know i probably should talk to a therapist since I haven’t tried to talk to anyone about this issue before. My work schedule is a bit crazy and would rarely have the time to talk to a therapist about my issue but I can try to schedule one here hopefully soon.
Thank you! and sorry this post is kind of all over the place

hi im(24f) and very confused and frustrated.
alittle back story so ive always dated men. always been attracted to them, always had the biggest crushes on boys in school. i never really thought about being with a women at that point. now that ive grown and dated 3 men, for around 2years each, and 2 have cheated on me and the other guy was extremely abusive. my close friend has been through this all with me and watched what ive gone through. she says that i would be happier with a women and wishes i would date a women. to me women are beautiful and i have made out with a few and hocked up with one i have also been on a couple dates with two different women. on the dates i felt more of a friend bond i couldnt really picture anything more then making out. when i had sex with the one woman she was more rough then i would have liked so it wasnt the best sex ive had.
after the dates i had a feeling of like ‘man i should text this guy or that guy to hock up’ 🥴
i could see my self with a women or a man. i guess what im trying to say is idk if im bisexual or gay or straight im not scared to be gay if i was, its not at all the issue.
i feellike my friend may be saying tht because she strongly believes i am gay.
ive always been a tom boy, and felt conversations with men to come easy bc i like talking about trucks tractors and wheelers stuff like that. ive always struggled with girls keeping a conversation going bc yall wanna get deep and into feelings and im just not big into that.
i recently found out tht my high school crush has feelings for me. i was told tht everytime he gets drunk he talks about me. about 2 years ago we went on a date and really hit it off it was amazing we have so much in common and would have ao much fun together. but i was fresh out of a relationship and my head wasnt in the best spot so i communicated tht to him and he was very understanding. then after a month he was back with his ex. sadly he is still with tht girl, but its not the best relationship and hes not happy and i know shes just kinda bummin off him😞.
i read my horoscope and it said something like “ - The current aspect at play means that you have a wonderful opportunity to share your deeper feelings with someone special, and for once you won't be at all worried about what you have to reveal. There is a powerful feeling of harmony and warmth around, which is contagious. Perhaps you have never spoken to a loved one in such a way - they will want to repeat the experience”
so idk if i should ask him how hes doing? or wait to find a women i bond with like my best friend thinks?

A little back story, my sister is like a second mom to me. She always took care of me when I was younger, we had a little gap in our relationship once I reached my teenage years until I turned 22 I believe. She also helped me out a lot as an adult when I was doing bad, and helped with the kids, which I am very grateful for. I am doing 100% better financially and life wise thankfully and we grew very close. She comes over to my house daily and we chat. I love her very much. She is or was? My best friend.
On Friday, our mom had a gastric balloon inserted and the plan was that my sister will drive her to the hospital, and then she will drop mom off to stay with me and I will look after her for a week.
Unfortunately, or irresponsibly I kept postponing my oil change and drove 400 miles over and my plan was to get that done and a few other tasks on Friday before it was time to get kids from school and watch mom. Plans changed and my sister made an appointment on Friday at 10 AM and I had to go to the hospital and switch out with her. My mom and I left the hospital around 11:30 AM. I called my sister, asked her if she will be able to come keep mom’s company at 3, so I can get kids, change oil, and go get my bonus child “A” from an hour away. She told me no she cannot leave work, and I said ok. She asked me “why?” I answered and told her my to do list. She told me everything can be postponed till Saturday, and my husband can borrow her car and pick up “A” alone. I said “aww ok” she asked why do you wanna go anyways? I told her I enjoy it. She told me ok well u got a more important task which is take care of mom. I agreed and we hung up.
My mom overheard me mention my oil change. She said she was okay because of the strong meds and to go get it done because its bad for the car. I asked her are you sure? About three times before I turned away from the house and went to get it changed. Now, I know what I did was wrong. I should’ve just kept it to myself and drove us home. I was a bit stressed because of the over 400 miles and indeed could’ve waited till Saturday. I was selfish and very wrong for it and was unaware mom was being a mom.
My sister called me yelling and said angrily: “Where are you?! Ima come get mom! Screw my important work I’ll call in so u can go enjoy doing things” Me: “Take 5.” and she proceeded to yell at me extremely loudly bc I’m at Take 5 and about how selfish and unreliable I am. I asked her why is she talking to me like this? She said because I don’t want to watch our mom. I’m selfish, etc. I said to her that was not what happened and that I agreed to watch her and I have no issues. She accused me of gaslighting and that I am only watching her because she “blocked” all the excuses I had to not watch her by lending my husband her car for the long drive, and suggesting it can wait until Saturday. I said “that’s not what happened. You asked me why I was asking you to watch our mom.” (I thought I was talkin to a friend and told her whats on my mind..) Her “This is the first time I see a toxic trait from you!!” and kept interrupting me (the whole time yelling) “I’M NOT UR EFFIN HUSBAND I’M NOT GONNA GO IN CIRCLES WITH YOU. I’M ON MY WAY TO GET HER.” I said “ok I’ll see u” and we said bye then before hanging up she said in a disgusted tone “Gaslighting bich” I sent her the address and texted her that she was very mean.. She called me immediately yelling “You wanna fight?! I’ll fkin fight” and said many mean things yelling… I said “No. I’m not trying to” she kept going off and I repeated many Okay’s as I couldn’t let a sentence out.
The oil change was done, and I had to leave the area, so I called her to let her know. “Hey where are you? I just got done and left take 5” She started screaming at me even more “Are we playing games?!! I’m already effin here!“ Me: “I had to leave to the main road, Take 5 exit force-“ Her: “ ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES! COME BACK IMMEDIATELY! YOU SHOULD’VE CHECKED WITH ME BEFORE LEAVING.” Me: thats what I was doing… but no worries I am making a U-Turn, I literally just left.” She said many things and I just kept saying “ok” she called me disrespectful for saying many okays and hung up.
I immediately started crying because I felt so bad about myself. The whole time I was talking in a respectful tone and I felt so misunderstood.. she was not listening to me. Maybe I’m sensitive..I understand what I did was selfish, but I believe in effective communication and not attacking ppl.
Mother’s day comes up, she texts me abt a present at the door. She bought me a balloon and a teddy with flowers with a really sweet note. Mind you, I did not talk to her for almost two days. I was giving her space bc when I tried telling her she was mean to me she went off on me even more. I texted her thank u and cant wait for the day where we celebrate it together. (She wants to be a mom soon)
Monday, mom comes over and my sister calls her and finds out she is at my house. My sister called me and asked “why are you not talking to me?” I said because of Friday. The yelling and calling me gaslighter, toxic, b*ch really hurt my feelings. She yelled at me some more and said “after everything I’ve done for you, YOU cutting ME off?!! YOU?!” And listed a few major things she done for me and that she has a car seat in her car right now for whenever I needed help. Her: “WHO DOES THAT FOR SOMEONE? NOBODY!” Me: “I know you’re a great sister , bu-“ Her:“YOU UPSET WITH ME? WHAT U DID WAS WORSE! AWFUL AND SELFISH”
I couldn’t get a sentence out. She was crying, I was crying. I said please let me talk.. she said go ahead and right as I was starting my sentence she told me she wants nothing to do with me, or my kids. To not show up at her wedding or house or else cops will be called. Then blocked me.
I found out she forgot to block me on an app so I messaged her there but then she blocked me there too without reading any.
Yesterday, Friday, I was driving mom to DPS to get her D.L & sis called mom and asked her to put her on speaker. She indirectly was talking to me “Hey mom I think “M” is tryna come up with excuses to not show up, and using the cops as an excuse. She obviously has lots of grudges deep inside towards me bc no way all these feelings came out of nowhere. She is hateful inside.”
She said I have a victim mentality, and need serious mental help and that I knew she was all talk and sisters fight.
I responded: “I’m not used to being yelled at, disowned and blocked casually. Never happened before. Of course I took it seriously.”
Her: “Obviously I will not call the cops on u if u show up. There ya go. I did what I should do & invited u and ur welcomed but it makes no difference to me whether u show up or not bc now I know where I stand. What my “value” is to you. Obviously ur looking for a reason to not talk to me or show up to my wedding. Just know ur welcomed but idc if u come or not.”
I love her very much but my feelings were hurt badly.. She said I am unappreciative and “you know whats going on with me! I have many issues, the wedding, work/school, and just got my period!” then compared herself to my husband who yelled at me last week that “I kiss his a** and excuse him, but me, u dont excuse me and stopped talking to me for two days?”
Me: “that is not true bc my spouse and I didnt talk till he apolog-“
Her: u know that BS
Me: I always excuse yo-
Anywho she said “we will never go back to being close again.” and as a sister I am welcomed to the wedding. I said to her that I am too old to be yelled and screamed at like this, we’re not kids anymore. She said “Shame on u to say that. That’s exactly what a child would say. If you’re so mature you would’ve came and talked to me like an adult and let me know that you’re upset with me.”
Me: “that’s literally what I did and got screamed at and insulted, I gave you spa-”
Her: stop I’m not acknowledging what ur saying and ur not acknowledging what I’m saying so its best to not talk until you can comprehend what I’m saying. For tonight, lay in bed and put yourself in my shoes. Picture everything I’ve done for you and how you’re treating me.”
Me *sobbing: “BUT I ONLY DIDNT TALK TO YOU FOR TWOO DAYYYYSSS I WAS GIVING YOU SPACEEE YOU WERE YELLING ATT MEE. I SAID A COMMENT TO YOU AND YOU DIDNT TALK TO ME FOR TWO WEEKS AND I APOLOGIZED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DA-“
Her: Yes and then I came over even cried and apologized for cutting you off for two weeks.”
Me: finishing my sentence I EXPRESSED TO YOU HOW YOU HURT MY FEELINGS U BLOCKED ME AND DISOWNED ME.”
Her: “Yes. and I apologize for calling u a gaslighting bi*ch.”
Me: U DIDNT.
Her “I am now! I just said I APOLOGIZE. And look at you I am talking to you all normal and look at you all yelling at me and I’m still cool and calm.”
Me: “ I WASNT YELLIN I AM SOBBING MY VOICE IS CRACKED IM CRYING AND MOM HAS YOU ON SPEAKER AND I AM DRIVING ON A HIGHWAY”
Her: “no u were yelling. Even ask “S” I have u on speaker she hears u right now. You have a victim mentality, bro. Seriously. If this is how u see it then u just got a victim mentality. I’m genuine ur sick u need that checked out thats very serious.” (S is my other sister, here for the wedding)
Me: “Idk maybe I do. All I know is this is how I feel. I’m very hurt.”
Her: “What broke me the most is that I got you a mother’s day present like an idiot and lost a part of my pride unknowingly while ur there upset. What? Ur waiting for me to come kiss ur a**?”
DetailsI said an insulting comment a few months ago. She spotted and I told her its abnormal and that preggos usually spot. I know she’s a virgin, and have no doubts. That’s why I said it is abnormal. She thought I was hinting she was pregnant, yelled at me and said “YOU THINK EVERYONE IS A WHRE LIKE YOU?!” and she didnt talk to me for two weeks. I cried and apologized to her many times at the time, but she was too angry. Which is why I thought in this current situation space would be a good idea because she seemed very angry at me, but I guess I was wrong.
I am losing my mind. I feel so wronged but she says I’m wrong?! She said I do not value or appreciate her bc I didnt let her know I was upset and that I purposely didn’t talk to her for two days? But when I said “it goes both ways! U do not value me u rather disown me and block me over-“
Her: “theres a big difference between u and me. I did a lot for u. We’re not the same.” Her: “go trauma bond with your husband over what I did and disrespect me together. Isn’t trauma bond the reason y’all together? You’re welcome”
WHAAAAT?!! HOW CAN I DISRESPECT MY SIS OR ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO DISRESPECT HER?!!
She was very angry that she bought me a mothers day present and said if she had known I was upset she wouldn’t have gotten me a teddy. I said “u didn’t know bc I’m the one that got yelled at..” she shut me up basically and said I am sick in the head and love to be a victim.. I’m so frustrated.
What should I do? I am very hurt but also don’t want to make it a bigger deal by not showing up. I felt like dirt.. I’m not a punching bag.. she doesnt yell at me often. Just this week.. Last week she yelled at me for parking her car wrong and I apologized then texted her and apologized some more bc she was furious and then she said its ok that she was just hungry… How is it my fault she’s hungry?
Do I show up to the wedding? Do I let our relationship die and just be casual sisters? Do I apologize to her for overreacting?
P.s. all the dashes are her cutting me off.
I wish it allowed me to upload screenshots of what I texted her

So I’m 28M 200lbs and 5’10”. I’ve got a blue collar job as an auto tech. My weight has always been right around 200lbs. My heaviest has been 220 and my lightest has been 180 after being sick for a couple weeks. It’s been this way since high school. I wouldn’t say I’m fit but I’m definitely relatively strong from my job.
I’ve been doing the body weight workout thing on here (I think?). I downloaded the 3x8 app and have been following that for about 2 months now. During the rest periods in between sets I stretch since I’m not flexible at all. On the “rest days” I run 2-3 miles and sometimes do push ups if I’m not sore at all (typically I can do 75-100 in sets of 25-30 pretty easily).
For my diet I eat about 1 cup of cottage cheese with some fruit for breakfast. I never eat lunch. And then for dinner I make a HelloFresh meal so not usually the healthiest but not fast food or anything like that. I don’t eat too much sugar but occasionally I’ll have a cookie or some ice cream with my daughter. On the weekends I usually go out to eat for one or two meals.
Would you guys keep up this routine? Any suggestions for improvement? I honestly don’t know when to see improvement since this is the first time I’ve ever been serious about being less of a lazy bastard.