My now bf and I started out as FWBs. You have to understand that i already loved this guy, he was my bi awakening and remains, the only boy ive ever been intimate with. However, I wanted to see if he'd even be interested in anything romantic with me so i poked around and got him to mention among other things that he wouldn't want to date someone who was a full year or more younger than him. His only interest for guys "that young" is sexual.
We already knew each other's ages but not our birthdays so i asked him his. Turns out he's 1 year and 6 days older than me but I didnt wanna lose him and i knew we'd be good together if he could just look past that. So when he asked for my birthday, I lied by slightly adjusting the date by 8 days. He laughed at the coincidence and later that evening I asked him on our 1st proper date.
Fast forward 10 months, and things are beyond great between us, the relationships ive had with girls dont even come close to comparing to what we have. Our birthdays are coming up and my friends and family are in on the lie and they think the situation is hilarious and are fully prepared to throw a party on my fake birthday to keep up the ruse. However, this has led to a ton of stress for me. I’ve had to hide all forms of ID from my boyfriend so he doesn’t discover the truth, which is getting increasingly difficult. We both still get carded so if we're going somewhere with alcohol where they might quiz me on my ID, either I get there first or I drop him off at the entrance so he gets seated to look for parking. I always pay so I'm also paranoid that one of my IDs will fall from my wallet and he'll see it.
Idk how or if to come clean at this point I don’t think the tiny age "gap" would bother him now that he loves me but ik 100% he'd be upset abt the fact that I lied to him for so long abt a basic information about me, he always says abt bad relationships "it all starts with a petty lie".
tldr: lied to reduce an already insignificant age gap so he would date me, everyone's in on it, it's been 10 months and our birthdays are coming soon

Decided to download BTC Core for multiple reasons. One of them is that when you download BTC core and setup, BTC Core, comes with its own wallet. The benefits of having a wallet connected directly to a node is that transactions are cheaper and faster over the network, since i would not be using a third party crypto exchange/company to do what i need with my BTC.
So ive been on here causing a ruckus about understanding why BTC cannot be adopted as a currency. Not going to go into that. But these are instructional videos directly from btc.org website, instructions on how to keep one safe while running a node. Worth a watch, to see what plagues BTC network. I mean instructional video itself is cautioning users, to never leave ones BTC on the wallet that comes with BTC core program as this is considered a hot wallet. Nodes are regularly it seems attacked by hackers.
Straight from instructional video "lighting network still needs maturing and does not support security features like multi-sig...."
Multi-sig if i understood correctly is the feature on the lightning network that would make it possible to conduct multiple transactions at a time rather than a node processing one transaction at a time. Pls do correct if im wrong.
Also, yes, if you love BTC, than show your love, support the network and run a node. No, will not get any profit out of it. You'll already know why its good if more people run nodes. However would definitely advocate watching all instructional videos. its not completely altruistic that im running a node. I send money back home to family and am tired of paying 40-50 per transaction and than family/friends have to wait 3-4 days to get it into their bank who also charges the recipient 30! lol. With BTC is about .20cents to send
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubj5wpsmqN8

Context: my boyfriend’s mother does not like me. Apparently she hasn’t liked any of his previous girlfriends either. She spat on me and screamed at me last time I saw her.
We have been together for nearly 3 years and I feel we are at the point of moving forward together. We live together, have two dogs and a cat together, and have spoken about the future.
I am ready to take the next step and get engaged, married and have children, but he said he can’t make these sort of huge life decisions without his parents in his life. They are currently not in speaking terms due to a falling out last year.
I feel like it’s a lose lose situation; if the relationship is rekindled, the family still won’t approve of me and the relationship probably won’t progress as they will persuade him away from me, or if he continues to not have a relationship with them, we won’t move forward either as he has already made the decision he wants them involved.
What should I do next? My family is interstate and I only moved for university, and met him and have hung around here for that reason as we both also have good jobs and friends here.

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Hello, I am looking for a student to transfer my lease over to for a studio apartment at Scape La Trobe.
Rent: 489$ a week (Includes all utilities and WiFi, double bed)
Move-in: 1st of July onwards, lease ends 2/2/25
Location: 50 La Trobe St, Melbourne VIC 3000
20th floor with natural lighting
5 minutes walk to Melbourne Central, QV and State Library Victoria.
5 minute walk to RMIT City Campus and 10 minutes to University of Melbourne.
Facilities at Scape La Trobe:

• BBQ area
• Laundry room
• Cinema room
• Games room
• Gym
• Pool table
• Ping pong table
• Common area kitchen
• Study rooms

Room Features:

• Private Ensuite Bathroom
• Flat Screen TV
• Study Desk
• Kitchenette
• Dining Area
• Unlimited Wi-Fi
• Air Conditioning

Accommodates those who are under 18
24/7 friendly staff at reception
Weekly social events!
Furnished
Please DM if interested!

For 16 years my mil an oldest sil have been awful, after dealing with it for so long I developed ptsd from their treatment. I been NC since April and it is absolutely wonderful, I juss wanna talk about some of the things they've done.
After the birth of my first daughter mil an fil were telling bf to not sign the birth certificate, and the nurses were giving me such a hard time for him to sign the paperwork. So when he came to the hospital after work I told him they wanted him to sign the papers he was refusing to go get them from the desk an I just had a c section, so I got mad and walked down there and got the stuff from them an took it back to him he did sign but mil an fil were not happy... it has always been difficult with husband until recently believing me about how awful his mother is to me he didn't wanna deal with any of it an basically wanted me to take their torture which the end result was my mental health, makes me really upset cuz I could of been smarter and just left an maybe today I would be able to go into a large crowd of people without feeling scared an panicking. I can barely go into stores now. But anyway....
Bf was giving me money to help buy baby stuff it was 100 every week, he was also giving mil 400 a week. Mil an sil cornered me and threw a fit about he was giving me to much money. Which i find funny bc he was literally giving her a lot of money, I was also on government assistance for like 3 months an she said bf was entitled to half of that money.
Mil put her electric in bfs name (he still lived there) she let the bill go up to over 2000 dollars and didn't pay it off till he gave her problems cuz they were sayin his wages were gonna be attached, we had juss gotten our first apartment when they threatened to attach his wages. She lied to him about paying it she did some but not all and he still gets letters about that bill.
During the first couple weeks at our new apartment mil would bring a plate of food for just bf an would give me dirty looks while he was eating it 🤣
Now it gets interesting...
Fast forward to our second child mil stated to both of us the baby wasn't his but was my brother's 🙄 that was the first time she did anything Infront of him an he threw a fit after that its all been backhanded she'd do shit when he wasn't in the room.
I had gotten a tattoo on the side of my neck just a lil star and she said only trashy people do that, but it was ok sil got 2 on both sides of her neck.
Mil sil and sils friend came to our wedding in pajamas it was at the courthouse but everyone was dressed up
Mil took both bottom tiers of my wedding cake my friend made for me and my mom had to fight her for the top of it. She had also stole my first babyshower cake I didn't even get a piece
Sometimes on the weekends we would drink beers an have people over, sometimes sil would come over and few times she'd bring her friend and their mutual friend would come now I knew right away they did this on purpose and it was absolutely intentional they had this girl flirt with husband I over heard this girl say something about how her crotch would get so wet and I went off it caused a big fight and when I told that girl we were married she acted shocked an left immediately never saw her again.
Mil brought me pants of this really really big lady we all knew and said these should fit u
This one is the beginning of the end my father passed away and a month after was my youngest bday husband was outside cookin on the grill and mil and fil came in an mil starting making jokes about funerals even fil told her thats fked up. My mom went home later in tears. A few months later after that we learned fil had the same cancer my dad passed of.
Youngest sil overdosed 2 years ago and is bedridden now and mil takes care of her and her 3 kids 2 months before that happened we were all sitting at my kitchen table and mil told everyone idc what kind of drugs you do just don't get caught with them... I thought wow this is insane shit.
In February of this year I had gotten a fb message from someone idk and they were sayin all these things that would definitely make me break up with husband, in the messages they had given their self away sayin only things mil would of known. There was a huge argument and mil ended up writing husband f you and your family. Then all of a sudden sils friend gets a job at husband's shop an works with him... husband an I sat down and were talkin about how that whole thing was a big plan to get us to break up and sils friend to weasel her way into husband's life.
There has been so much more but those r the things that stay vividly in my mind. After the whole fb thing I was done an the last time mil popped up at our home an i had a panic attack she was told to not come here anymore of course she knows nothing and has done nothing wrong 🙄 an is currently telling people she doesn't know what's going on... she has to tell people that so she doesn't look like the bad guy cuz she has talked so much trash about me to everyone that they would know. She even sent her nephew to tell husband to call his mom 🙄 he never did... he texted her happy mother's day and she said to tell me the same from her I'm at the point I don't want to hear from her, don't wanna hear her name, I wanna forget what she looks like.
I forgot to mention they were all on m3th an that just amplified their stupidness which is probably why they thought that fb idea was the plan to finally get husband an I apart 😆 oldest sil is really bad on that stuff now an her life is Fallin apart everyone says she is goin down the same path as youngest sil but all they do is watch and talk about it.
If you made it thus far thanks for reading ❤️

The man has had some wise words for his family and friends throughout the years. Two of my favorites:
-Don’t flip off anyone you can’t outrun
-You’re not going to know some maniac’s special tickle spot
What are some of his invaluable life lessons that you remember?

I need friend for this server to join just send me a DM with your discord if you got discord (I am probably gonna stream a lot on this server and I’m a family friendly content creator)

My ex fiancé of 10 years left me in early 2023. He has a new gf - we still talk sometimes via text, he usually initiates. I know it’s unhealthy but I can’t seem to bring myself to block him. I’ve been on dates with various men for the past 6 months but I can’t form a connection. I literally have no chemistry with anyone (at least from my side). I feel like he was the love of my life and I’ll always be alone now forever. All my friends are married or in relationships. I miss my ex and I feel so so alone and sad… I’m 35f and I do want a family but I feel like it’s too late for me and I won’t find anyone.

This is gonna be long so bear with me pls. I (f21) used to hook up with this guy (m22), I started liking him a lot, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I didn’t take it personally plus I was transferring to another school abroad at the end of the year and then I’d probably never see him again.
About 3 months after i moved (so march 2023) he spontaneously booked a flight and came to visit me during spring break, he stayed with me and we were together basically the whole time, we hooked up but it was kind of an fwb situation? but throughout he kept dropping hints which I decided to ignore since I knew he wasn’t interested in being more than friends.
I do want to mention that I come from a rather well to do family and i might be a little spoilt in the sense that my family pays my tuition so I don’t have student loans and I get my rent money and some pocket money from home because my family doesn’t want me to work yet so I can focus on school more, but since I moved I have been working 2 jobs (without my family knowing) to save money because I like to live comfortably, go shopping, travel, and I’m trying to save up for my masters so I’m pretty comfortable financially, which he saw on his visit since I paid for p much everything. (Now that I think about it, I took a leave from work and didn’t have school that week so he didn’t actually see how hard I work, to him i was just chilling all day and living rich).
When he went back after his visit he kept talking ab how he has such a good time with me and how he really likes me and we started talking a lot more and I was kinda into him again. After like a month he started telling me that he wants to stop seeing other people and he dsnt want me to see other people either, still no mention of a relationship but he wanted to be exclusive. I had been on a couple dates since I moved but I wasn’t really interested in anyone so I agreed. Within a month of that (so june 2023) he started saying he loves me and for the longest time I hesitated to say it back but eventually i did. He kept saying he wants to visit me again etc but he cnt afford it. I agreed to pay bec i wanted to see him too but I thought that since I didn’t have school all month we could go on a little vacation instead of just him coming over, since I could afford it. We planned an trip for July and decided everything but before I paid for anything I asked him if he sees this ever turning into a relationship and he told me no at first but after i said if it’s not going anywhere (I was going to pay for his flights, all the stay and we would split the money we spend there) I don’t want to invest financially in it like time is one thing but i work really hard for the money, he said he just doesn’t feel like he’s ready for a relationship now but gave me hope saying that might change as we spend time together. I was naive enough to fall for that and we went on our little vacation.
Towards the end of the vacation like 2 days before we were supposed to go back, we were at a club and I was sitting down with my drink while he was on the floor and I saw him make a snapchat call and he was on it for a while and in the middle of it his screen lit up and a girl’s (let’s call her K) bitmoji was on it, so i went up to him to ask who he was talking to, he straight up lied and told me it was one of his guy friends and i just went and sat back down. After he finished the call he came and sat next to me and held his phone in a way that he obviously wanted me to look at the screen bec he had called his guy friend now the bitmoji was on the screen, which was such a failure because his guy friend didn’t even answer the phone he just showed me the “ringing” screen. I didn’t say anything tho because we both were pretty drunk and I didn’t want to start a fight in that condition. The next was our last night there and it went well but on the way back to our hotel at the end of the night i forgot my phone in the uber and used his phone to call the uber driver to ask if there was any way i could get it back. He was almost passed put by the time the uber driver came back around to bring my phone so i asked him if i could take his phone outside while i go to bring my phone just in case I need to contact the driver, he agreed and unlocked his phone and gave it to me. When i was going, K called him and i just rejected the call but then she sent him like a million texts and my suspicion got the best of me and I opened the chat. I barely had to scroll up before I saw several explicit msgs and photos (all very recent) and it made me sick to my stomach. I got my phone back and went back to the room to find him passed out I threw his phone at him and he woke up and we talked about it basically all night, I was crying like the whole time and in the end he promised me he wouldn’t do it again and he only wants to be with me and all this other emo (and in hindsight, toxic) crap that I fell for at the time and the next day we flew back.
Things were okay for like 2 months after that. On Halloween we were both on facetime, getting ready to go to halloween parties (in our respective countries lol) and I was telling him how to do his makeup (he really likes my style and often asks me for advice on clothes, makeup, hair etc) we talked for a while it was all great and after we got ready we ended the call and I went to the party (it was like 10min from my place) and as soon as I got there I tried to send him a snap but couldn’t find him on my snapchat friend list, so i tried to text him on Instagram only to find he had blocked me, on everything.
I DID NOT handle that well. After he had been nc for a week, he called me. Of course, I couldn’t resist and answered. He asked for help with a school project (I would often help him with things like that, even tho he was in a much complex course i would learn his stuff and then help him with homework and stuff). Even tho I was not in good condition physically bec of the withdrawals and even tho he hadn’t even addressed the fact that he had blocked me on everything out of nowhere I decided to help him again because I was just so desperate to talk to him and I basically made the whole thing for him and he got a good grade, he thanked me and stuff and when i asked him why he blocked me he just said “idk i was just upset idk why” he just always refused to talk about it. But i mean social media is so accessible, i did see that he had been commenting on K’s old Instagram posts (he commented on ALL her posts actually) throughout the week, so i’m sure it had something to do with her, but I didn’t ask because he seemed irritable whenever i would bring it up.
We started talking like before again, he graduated (i’m still in school) and we planned for another vacation for new years eve. Big surprise, even tho he was the one who proposed the trip, now he was unemployed so he couldn’t afford it, again. And another big surprise, I agreed to pay for it again. It was all good except I brought about $1000 in cash to spend on the trip and every time I took money out of it he would comment about how it was such a “fat stack” which sussed me out a little but whatever. About halfway through the trip I got really drunk and passed out and when I woke up the next morning all my cash was gone and I asked him if he kept it with him and he refused and got mad at me for losing such a big amount of money (as if I wasn’t stressed enough) and how he was going to have to pay now (hotels and flights were already paid for, he’d be paying for drinks and food basically). I still don’t think he would steal from me bec if he wanted money he could just ask and I would have just given him and not even asked for it back but there’s nowhere it could’ve gone because I never took the whole cash out of the hotel room and it was just us two there. I didn’t want to accuse him of anything so i let that go and never mentioned it. But that was the first time I got sus ab him with the money.
Fast forward to two months ago, we planned another trip (to my home country this time) which was supposed to be two weeks long but while we were there we were having so much fun that we kept extending it and it ended up being a month long. I saved up hella for this trip because I knew exactly what hotels I wanted to stay at, what places i wanted to go etc and i knew it was gonna be kinda expensive but even then because we stayed much longer it also costed way more than expected. At this point he didn’t even have to tell me he couldn’t afford it, it was just understood that i would be paying since he was still unemployed. But this time he had this new credit card and wanted to increase his credit score so he asked if i could use his cards to book everything and pay HIM back instead, i was like sure whatever. So i booked both our flights on my card and hotels and stuff on his. We had the best time on this trip, felt closer to him than ever so I didn’t mind paying. We decided that I would give him a certain amount in cash (to avoid international transfer fee) and transfer the rest (because countries have a limit on how much cash u can bring without having to report to customs). Once again towards the end of the trip I saw he was still talking to that girl, and it wasn’t just sexual, he called her the same nicknames he called me, he sent her the same reels and stuff on Instagram that he sent me it was like reading his chats with me. I didn’t say anything then, but a couple hours later I asked him if we should see other people too, like keep seeing each other but also see other people (i even said “we both” so he dsnt feel the need to get defensive) and he said no he dsnt want to and he dsnt even want me to. Him lying again when i gave him a chance to end his lie really broke my heart completely (bec at this point he was just lying for the sake of it) but it was just 3 days before we were gonna leave so i decided not to ruin the rest of the trip and end things with him after I paid him back for the credit card (I’d already given him more than half the amount in cash as soon as we met). When we were booking flights to go back he insisted that be take pne with a layover in a third completely put of the way country because it was cheaper and i was like sure, but then he also said because it’s two really long flights he wants to stay in this third country for a couple days bec he wouldn’t be too exhausted and wanted me to pay for the airbnb, I already wasn’t a fan of paying for a whole solo trip for him where I wasn’t going (it was one of my bucket list countries too) so i tried to tell him to just suck it up and take a couple hour layover instead but he wouldn’t listen. AND to make it worse, i saw his phone again (I didn’t even checking his phone or anything even once on this trip, he had the conversation open while he was sitting next to me and i could see) and he was talking to this girl who was around that country and asked her if she would travel there for a couple days to meet him and she agreed at first but once he sent her an airbnb and asked what she thought about it, she left him on seen and never responded even after he offered to pay (im guessing bec initially she just thought he meant they would hang out and when he brought up staying together even she got creeped out). THIS MAN WANTED ME TO PAY FOR HIS INTERNATIONAL TRIP TO MEET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HE TOLD HE WAS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.
That was my last straw i got so mad and we had a big conversation , highlights: (Note: this is all in a very calm tone, i was holding back tears but no one was being aggressive)
Him: she’s just a friend and I haven’t even ever slept with her or anything PLUS that’s not even happening i’m not going to see her Me: because SHE left you on seen, u were clearly trying in fact ur the one who asked her to begin with Him: sighs & shrugs
Me: what about the girl in (hometown)? Him:
Me: why did u block me after halloween Him: i cnt tell u that Me: is it because u were also lying to K, telling her u were not seeing other people n she found out u were talking to me and to keep her from leaving u blocked me till she calmed down? Him: sighs, leans back and looks away
Me: why is one girl not enough Him: bec I’m not 40 Me: so why do u lie instead of just being honest and saying ur also seeing other people Him: bec i dnt wanna hurt feelings Me: i never asked u for anything u were the one who insisted on being exclusive, u were the one who said u loved me first while u knew the whole time u were lying, u really had no reason to lie? Him: u wouldn’t treat me the same if u knew i was seeing other people Me: i was treating u the exact same before u said all that? When u came to visit me i still paid for everything, u really didn’t have reason to lie Him: sighs
Me: what do u expect me to do now? Him: idk i guess u can see other people too(?)
Me: i didn’t mind paying for u if u were seeing other people n honest about it but dnt want to pay for someone who goes out of their way to lie to me for no reason (i p much never get pissed ab anything as long as it’s honest so there’s really no reason to lie which is why i cnt stand when people lie to me) Him: i understand
Me: did u at least use protection with other people (he told me he was clean and wasn’t seeing other people so i agreed to not using protection since i was on birth control anyway) Him: yes u can get tested if u want (i did and turns out he was lying i came home with a nasty std, I haven’t slept with anyone else in about a year)
After the long conversation we went to sleep and he noticed i was still crying so he hugged me and said “i dnt want u to cry talk to me” so i started saying how idk how to feel or what to do it’s just too much to process that he would do this bec i trusted him so much even when I didn’t want to but he rolled his eyes in the middle of my sentence which ticked me off so i turned away and was like “no dont turn away” to which I said “when im not talking u have an issue, when im talking u have an issue, what do u want?” This was the first time i dropped my calm in from of him and picked up an actually annoyed tone, which seemed to set something off in his head and he just blew up at me like YELLING about how im the one making a big deal out of everything and im the one who keeps turning away and refusing to talk to him etc and then he got up from the bed and punched the wall REALLY hard so i grabbed both his hands and sat him down on the bed and told him to shut up and calm down bec he was gonna get hurt if he keeps punching shit. He already hurt his hand p bad and he just held his hand to his chest and i could tell he was trying to hold in screams bec he was so much in pain. I called room service to bring ice and went downstairs to get him a painkiller. He finally calmed down and fell asleep. The next day he didn’t talk to me for 8 hours, didn’t go out or anything, we just sat there in the hotel room in silence, whenever i tried to bring up anything he just shrugged and continued to not say a word, Finally we both got hungry and went to get dinner after which we got drinks, once we got a little buzzed he started talking to me again and told me he got triggered bec i yelled at him (I didn’t yell but i did get annoyed so i got what he meant) and i apologised.
We were fine for the rest of the day and the next day and the night after that we finally flew back home.
He asked me to transfer him the money for his credit card and i asked him how much it was. The number he gave me was ridiculously higher than the number i had on my spreadsheet (since i made the bookings i even had the receipts) so i showed him saying these were the numbers that I had and he said “no but this is what my card got charged” and he sent me his own spreadsheet that me made (v poorly made no dates or anything, there were even some amounts without descriptions) so i said ok this isn’t helpful, just send me the credit card statement and i’ll see what went wrong in my calculations and he has been making dumb excuses for the last 2 weeks every time i ask him to send the statement like “there’s other payments too on the statement so u might get confused” (as if idk how to read??) or “oh i’ll send it when i open the credit card website next” but he keeps asking me to send him the money like constantly. Another thing that’s weird to me is that he completely disregarded the part where I told him I would only be paying for my half of the trip bec of him lying to me, which I already gave him more than half in cash in the beginning of the trip. Thirdly, not only does he want me to pay full he is also disregarding the money i gave him in cash bec he “spent it on the trip so it didn’t go towards the credit card payment” which I never agreed to give him spending money, that’s supposed to be on him, I brought my own spending money separately so it wasn’t even like he had to pay for both of us.
So basically, he wants me to pay for the whole credit card bill (which he won’t send me the statement for) on top of what i gave him in cash which was more than half of the number HE is giving me (and close to 80% of the number I have) ALL AFTER he lied to me, tried to make me pay for him going to meet another girl in a different country, yelled at me, punched a wall and made ME apologise.
The amount he’s asking for is big and I know he’s unemployed and if that’s the actual number, he definitely can’t pay it. While i can afford it (just barely after everything I already paid for including previous trips, flights for this trip and the money i gave him in cash) i did already tell him I would only be paying for my half (which i already did) and he agreed at the time, and i’m still extremely hurt and angry about all the lies and the drama. If he sent me the credit card statement I would still help him a little bit but he even refuses to do that. He hasn’t talked about anything else except asking me to send him the money for the past few days. I was going to cut him off after I paid him but he’s being kind of not cool about it and it’s not like i just have the money lying around. So would I be the asshole if I just ghosted him with his credit card debt that i know he can’t pay?
Also want to add: i keep mentioning his unemployment bec until February i was helping him improve his resume, prepare for interviews etc (I’m studying HR and recruitment) but after this trip he told me he is not even looking for a job bec if he got a job he “wouldn’t be able to travel as much” which pissed me off more bec im working my ass off to afford all this.

In 2010, I was facing felony charges for distribution of drugs. I was a drug addict. Hook line and sinker. But never admitted that to myself. My drug of choice? Anything I could get my hands on. Cocaine, ecstasy, weed, Xanax, Oxycontin, ciggys, alcohol, ativan, seroquil, spice, mushrooms.. You name it.
Desperately wanting to avoid prison time, I did whatever I could to turn my life around. The potential pain in carrying on was too great to tolerate. This was my rock bottom.
I enrolled in college, started working out every day, got rid of any "friends" that wanted to continue that lifestyle.
And quitting my daily drug use?
It wasn't a factor. I was too scared. I was willing to do anything to escape my prison sentence so I dropped them all without looking back. I was lucky. Lucky I had hit rock bottom. Lucky that everything collapsed around me. I needed a push and this was it.
Apparently the judge saw that I was making real change and I was able to avoid prison. I was slapped with a couple of felonies, fines, and drug and rehab classes.
Having felonies on my record was hard. I couldn't get a decent job. Even Walmart was excited to hire me, but then rejected me because of my record. I knew that I had turned a new leaf. I just needed someone to see that I was changed now.
Luckily, I found a family that needed help with their special needs kid.
I worked for them for long enough to get my felonies reduced and expunged off my record.
When hard drugs turn into soft drugs.
I thought I was "drug free" because I had stopped all illegal drugs. But soon I found myself consuming copious amounts of caffeine in order to lose weight and get "Jacked". You see, I found a passion for natural bodybuilding and Jiu-Jitsu around 2011.
I consumed endless content on how to lose body fat so I could finally get a six pack. A lot of YouTubers at the time were promoting pre-workouts like Jack3d. Which also had another stimulant called 1,3 dimethylamylamine - or DMAA. Which was banned after it had become known to be problematic.
So there I was, taking Jack3d, working out, and trying to figure out how to get a six pack. I hired the same coaches that my favorite YouTuber Matt Ogus had. 3DMuscleJourney. I got very serious with Diet and training.
When I started with 3DMuscleJourney in 2012, I had been working out for a solid year. I had gotten down to 195lbs from 215. Not a huge difference. And I had put on a good amount of Muscle in that time.
3DMuscleJourney taught me and guided me on how to train effectively while dieting and how to diet efficiently by tracking macros. But my preworkout and caffeine use had spiked up 1,500mg a day. I used caffeine as a substitute for food. After 12 weeks, I was down to 160lbs.
I was fit by any person's definition. My new found glory would soon collapse as my caffeine and DMAA use caught up to me. I started having bad shoulder pain, my joints were achy and cracky, popping every time I moved. I started stretching and doing mobility exercises but the pain in my body only got worse. I was unable to sleep. I would have fits of rage followed by lows of doubt and depression.
Then, I broke. I was no longer able to exercise because of the pain. I started eating more to see if it would help my joints. I quickly gained 30lbs. Probably within only a few weeks. I ended my coaching and started to slip back towards the abyss
That's when I figured out that caffeine and DMAA were both a huge problem.
I had been consuming caffeine my whole life. But never thought twice about it. It was a legal substance that a kid could go buy in a vending machine. How bad could it be? Broken, I decided to quit.
I was quickly able to cut out DMAA. But every attempt at quitting caffeine left me in so much pain that I would quickly rationalize going back to it. I never made it past two weeks.
Why was this harder than quitting all of those harder drugs?
I guess decades of using a softer drug still carves out some pretty steep ravines in your reward pathway. Caffeine was my last vice. Or so I thought..
I read the book "Caffeine Blues". This book explained that caffeine is not healthy in any way. It is a stimulant that causes your body to break down over time just like any drug. The book outlined some of the negatives associated with caffeine.

• Poor sleep, even if you didn't consume caffeine close to bedtime
• Joint pain from increased muscle tension.
• Poor vitamin and mineral absorption.
• Energy crashes and mood swings.
• Irritability.
• Psychosis.
• Masking negatives of caffeine with drugs and alcohol.

The list goes on. This was crazy. The book recommended tapering off of caffeine. While I was able to wean down to 300-600 most days. I couldn't get myself to fully commit. I started to look for some help.
Maybe I needed something to give me energy and focus while I quit?
I started to look at "Nootropics" to help me focus. I tried a large variety of them.

• Noopept
• Modafinil
• Piracetam
• Aniracetam
• L-Theanine
• Phenibu
• Kratom
• Nicotine
• A large variety of other supplements.

Non of this helped me quit caffeine. I soon realized that these legal "Performance enhancers" were just drugs. With their own highs and lows. And negative effects over time. I ended up quitting all of this after a year.
It was back to the drawing board.
Around the end of 2015, I ended up doing a 3 month or so long caffeine taper. Using caffeine powder and a mg scale I bought off Amazon. The plan was slow and steady. 1-2mg per day. I didn't want to notice my caffeine levels were dropping. After about a month under 25mg, I started feeling great.
My joints felt great, Arizona heat was more comfortable, I craved healthy food and exercise, I slept like a baby, the list goes on. I had raised my testosterone levels from 320ng/dL to 575ng/dL.
But then, just as I finally let go of caffeine. There was a surprise. A curve ball that would change my life forever.
The boy who lived...
My first child was to be born. The 24 hours in the hospital was an introduction to the lack of sleep I would face over the next few years. I caved..
One or two cups of coffee later, my son was born, and a new cycle of baby wake me up > being tired > caffeine to get me through the day > poor quality sleep > baby wake me up had begun.
I got got even more dependent on caffeine. I could no longer just take a nap whenever I wanted. I was a mess. Feeling like shit, with high stress, I also started drinking alcohol and smoking weed again. My testosterone levels plummeted down to 275ng/dL.
Great move dad..
I wanted to get healthy again. I started reading books about health, nutrition, meditation, etc. I wanted to attack this problem from multiple angles. I started eating a plant-based diet, meditating, exercising, taking ice baths, etc. I quit alcohol and weed again. Tapering my caffeine down below 100mg again.
I was starting to feel better. Even got my testosterone levels all the way up to 575ng/D
The girl who lived..
Sorry about the Harry Potter references...
Just when I thought it was over, another curve ball to my health goals. Something that would start the lack of sleep cycle all over again.
You guessed it.. another child! This time, there was a baby girl in my house. This new baby came with new challenges. Our daughter was born with cataracts. She had to have surgery at around 3 months old to get them removed. So not only did we have to deal with the lack of sleep stress again, and boy did she excel in that area, we had to deal with putting contacts in a baby...
Imagine a grown man squeezing their fist closed. And you have to delicately open up their fist, and place a sticky note on their palm without bending the paper. And the grown man is also having a seizure at the same time. Also, you haven't slept a quality night of sleep for weeks.
Needless to say, but I'm going to say it, our stress levels shot through the roof. We had new worries and fears about our daughter's condition and the caffeine cycle ramped back up again. All while trying to focus on my new career in IT and raising our other child.
Testosterone Replacement Therapy
I think sometime early 2023, a friend told me he was on Testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). I knew my low test levels were due to stress, caffeine use, lack of sleep, belly fat, poor eating habits, etc. But I was desperate for some edge that would help me finally quit caffeine and get healthy again.
I thought, if I can use Testosterone to help me get healthy, then I can get off of it later and not suffer any consequences.
Boy was I wrong
TRT did give me more drive and gusto to get stuff done. It also made me work harder than my body wanted. I started getting more back pain from harder weightlifting session, I actually started doing more caffeine, and even weed again. I was like 6 years clean from weed at this point.
This made me over confident. Like I could handle anything, which led to poor decisions. I felt like a horny teenager and it made it hard to focus. I started masturbating furiously..
After 4 months stabbing myself in the ass, and draining my life essence, I decided to quit TRT cold turkey. I knew this wasn't what I needed.
Withdrawals from TRT were bearable. I had waves of depression, lack of energy, etc. But I got through it. I'll probably get my levels tested again soon. As I write this, I have been off of TRT for 12 months now.
I leaned more heavily on caffeine while I was coming off of TRT. My current levels are around 400mg per day. But tapering off is my primary focus. Or maybe I should try cold turkey again? Not sure how I can afford to be a useless zombie for weeks while I have a full time job and 2 kids to look after.
"Semen retention" and NoFap
For years, I had made half ass attempts at doing No Fap and quitting porn. The benefits claimed by people who have tried it are:

• Increased energy
• Vigor
• Willpower
• Can function on less sleep
• Increased confidenc
• Better focus and concentration
• Muscle growth
• Increased Libido

I started to read some books about the topic. This big two were "Your Brain on Porn" and "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". These books took a more Science-based approach. There were also a couple books that were a little off tilt such as "Bliss of the Celibate" and "Why You Should Never Masturbate". These books included a lot of hokey about chakras and religion.
I never made it passed two weeks.
After TRT, I decided to give it a real go. NoFap/ Semen retention felt like my final try at getting an "edge". I lasted over a month. Just around the 3 week mark, I had felt the same benefits of TRT without all of the negatives. I also learned, that you have to be all in.
Any sexual thoughts had to be banished. Just think of something else. If you entertain lust at all, you will fail. Stay off social media where you may run into soft porn, which can start the spiral that leads you to porn, etc.
I was able to control my caffeine intake finally, my sleep was better, my wife was more attracted to me, I was more patient with the kids. I finally found the answer.
But then, I relapsed. And lost sight of the benefits. I had forgotten.
Slowly everything started slipping again. With small nofap stints here and there never lasting more than two weeks.
As I write this, I am realizing that caffeine was never my problem. It was a symptom of something else. I am currently on day 6 of retention and have made it my number one priority again. I need to remember this. I need my edge back.
The journey continues..
Life is full of ups and downs. And decisions you make (good or bad) compound over time. I know all of the positive effort, and commitment to personal development has paid off over time. Even though it may have been slower than I had hoped.
This story leaves out a lot. But I'd love to have a conversation with anyone who has had similar struggles. I have been going at this alone. I can only imagine how much more growth there can be surrounding yourself with like-minded individual
Ta Ta for Now.

Im so lonely, I have no family or friends. I feel numb and empty. I can’t put into words how pathetic and useless I feel but I’ve made the decision to take my life in this forest tonight. I have been depressed for a very long time and I’m just not getting better. I’ve tried waiting for things to improve but I’ve come to realise and accept that the few good times will never outweigh the constant bad times. I’m in debt, I’m homeless and I’m just a broken man. I have nothing else to say and to be honest I doubt anyone will see this but I wish you all the best. I’m actually happy because I’ve finally accepted this is the best thing for me and I’m not even scared of death anymore, In fact i welcome it now. In about 30 minutes I will have ended my life. I feel bad for the person who will find me tomorrow and I’ve made a note that explains that it was my choice and im sorry they had to find me like this. This is a very selfish act but for once im going to do what’s best for me.

Only we don't know it at first. Suddenly we are relying on whatever survival skills we have and whatever we managed to bring with us (friends, family, finances). The realization comes on slowly, as it seems that help and salvation is just beyond the next wave. But it never comes, and time rolls on. Life continues as normal all around us, oblivious and uncaring of the life and death struggle we endure.
Battered by the world and our survival. We can only hold onto the things most dear to us or necessary for survival. We are stripped of the many protections we have in the process, including things that protect our self identity. Giving many of us us a glimpse into our true selves, both good and bad. Everyone has a limit for pain and suffering. In this fragile state, clinging on desperately, hurting, confused. How long can we hold on?
After a few years (if we are lucky) or decades (if we are not) its like missing an arm, not ideal, not easy, but you learn to live with it. Its that or die.

Just a bit of a Friday rant/vent. Wondering if it’s just me who feels like this.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the essence of my job but I feel like every day is filled with so much frustration: the not so amazing pay, the lack of actual training and education, having to battle over funding for a course/event, the demands on our time outside of work (audits/projects/prepare for journal club blah blah), the length of the training pathways, the level of service provision, dealing with rota coordinators, dealing with annoying CS/ES demands, how difficult it is to go to another country as a doctor and such limited time for family/friends/hobbies and yet without real financial compensation.
Just wondered if anyone else feels this frustrated by it all and has the “ffs what’s the point” moments in their day.

Friends with your exes ex
Now I know that many people think I am nuts because I am friends with my ex's exes. But why is my question? It is obvious that the men I dated had at least one thing in common, that had great taste in women.
Yes, the women they picked are all beautiful, kind, intelligent, and strong women. It's a shame they couldn't be a real man and keep these women. So the question is, why shouldn't we be friends? What do we have against each other? Just because we all had the same lousy taste in men, should that make us hate each other? Oh, please grow up.
The first time this happened was with Mr. Con Artist. I reached out to his wife. No, I didn't know he was married until I threw him to the curb and did a background check on him and found out he lied about being divorced and everything else. So I reached out to his wife to let her know what had happened. Yes, I felt she should know what he was doing to her. When she dumped him, I knew she had moved down here and had no family and friends. So I reached out and said if she ever needed a friend that I was here. I also invited her to Thanksgiving dinner as I knew she had nowhere to go. She came and we became good friends after that. We went out together, we went to the beach and yes, had holiday dinners together. She is an amazing woman who also fell for his bullshit. How could I possibly hate her? She was great, and none of this was her fault or my fault.
The next time was with an ex I dated in high school. I knew his wife when he was married, and when they divorced, we started dating again. I reached out to her in the beginning to make sure she was okay and she wished us the best. She never told me what kind of man he was even when I asked. She was classy till the end!
When we broke up, I asked her why she didn't give me the lowdown on him. She said that maybe he really loved me and had changed. She didn't want to come off as the bitch ex wife talking about him. That right there made me respect her more than anything and yes, we are friends too! She is an incredible woman, and it is truly his loss.
So today, my friends, let's not hate one another because we dated the same people. I chose to open my mind and learned that these were amazing women who just happened to fall for the same guys' bullshit. And even though I no longer have that relationship, I've made a good friend out of it. Which to me is way better. We women need to stick together, we need to let go of jealousy and pettiness and realize that not all exes are bitches. That's just what they want you to believe because they don't want you to be friends with their exes. “Be the change you want to see"