So sorry to waste your time...

This is gonna be a lot, and you, of course, are not force to read this. I was just looking for something, if anything, regarding an answer to a question I am going to have to face because of my own actions. I understand that if you do choose to read all of this and reply to me, you may wish to berate and insult me. By all means, do so, I deserve it. I don't mean to write a sob story so people will sympathize will me, I don't need people's attention, I'm not coping.
For a bit of context, I am and always have been a burden on myself and those around me. I've been nothing but lazy and useless my entire life. I was the kid that never did his homework, ever. I thought it was stupid and that was my justification to not do it. I was that kind of garbage. I hated when things imposed on my happiness and freedoms, and I resented things that did that to me, like homework. I have always been told that I am full of talent and that I'm so smart or whatever, but it has never translated in my studies. I have always gotten low marks in my courses, always because of homework. If there was a way to flunk out of high school, I would've flunked out a long, long time ago. I'm so pathetic, all I've ever cared about are the things that I enjoy and not the things that are important.
So like the idiot I am, I chose to go to college knowing the kind of person that I am, telling myself I would change because college is serious and what not. Spoiler alert, I didn't. I'm a piece of garbage and all I've ever done is waste the time and resources of those around me. I'm so fortunate that my parents paid for my college, but they said they would kick me out if I failed and all. I believed in my talents, but not in my work ethic. Sure enough, coming out of my first semester in college, I failed two out of the 5 courses I took and that put me on academic probation. Why did I fail? Well, I failed because of my crappy work ethic. I could've passed these courses with high marks if I had done my homework given that my test scores were always high or solid. As you would expect, my parents wanted to kill me, I was mocked and laughed at by my siblings, and I really didn't have a support system, not that I deserved one.
Miraculously, I was given a second chance to fix my predicament, and I honestly felt I was doing better. I was struggling to get my work in on time, but I was still making the effort to do it (Nothing to be proud of considering it wasn't on time). This semester, although spent in the comfort of caring friends who wanted nothing but the best for me, was extremely depressing and part of me wants to blame my shortcomings on that. Mentally, this semester was really rough for me and even though nobody knew it, I was going through a really, really hard time. The other part of me knows that blaming my mental health on my shortcomings is nothing but a cop out and I would just be making excuses for myself like I always do. Anyways, looking at my grades coming out of this semester, once again, I have failed two courses, one of which was inevitable, and the other, I am currently fighting for despite grades being posted. I want to really cling to the hope of the mark being changed even though my situation really won't change much, but if it is impossible, then I will give up right there.
As you can see given what I have provided above, it should be clear how much of an idiot I am. I have been nothing but a failure, a disgrace, a sloth, and a piece of trash. I have wasted the money of my parents, the energy of everyone who believed in me, and my own time. I should've known I would never amount to anything. If I want to keep living, I'll be homeless and left with only the few thousand I have saved from working my summer job as a lifeguard. I have been nothing but pathetic my entire life, and honestly writing this all out makes me tear up a bit. It kind of hurts that I want to cut my life short not because I hate my life, but because it feels that there is no other options left for me to progress forward. I have given myself nothing to use to go forward because I have been nothing but my own worst enemy. I am lazy and a waste of air. I truly wish to apologize to everyone whoever believed in me, I wish I could man up and just tell it to their faces, but I am too ashamed to even turn off my computer screen and see my reflection. The grades will come in soon, and my family will know, and that will be the end of me. Right now, I plan to run away from home soon and either try and find somewhere to go or just jump off a bridge, I guess (I haven't really thought it out, it's not something I really want to think about).
Some of you, who may be nice enough to reach out, may say that my best bet would be to negotiate with my family, or perhaps seek a job in trades, or maybe even consider community college. I can only refute those as my parents are not the negotiable type, even if some of you insist they will be. As for trades, it is something looked down upon by my family, by my friends, and it's rubbed off on me too and I have come to loathe the idea of it. Perhaps it will be my only option, but something I've never wanted for myself was to work day in and day out breaking my back in physical labor like that. As for community college, I would not be opposed to it despite friends and family looking down on it too, but even if that was the route I decided to go down, how would I do that? Once my parents see these pathetic grades, I will be kicked out and maybe even disowned right after I get beaten half to death. Some of you should now be realizing the piece of garbage that I am for saying that, and you have every right to take back any sympathy you may have had for me. I do not deserve any help, any support, and sympathy, or advice. Honestly, I'd rather the option of suicide be validated so I can just get on with it. I think it is finally time to put my pathetic life behind me and release the burden of knowing me off of so many people. All I have ever done is hold myself back and hold others back too. All I've ever done is wish I could be better but then never would I act on it. I wish a work ethic came naturally to me like everything else, because that's the one thing that has kept me from ever succeeding. But because I'm pathetic, I could barely bring myself to succeed at having a good work ethic for more than a week. I hate myself, I truly do.
Despite how I feel about myself and my life, I do want to clarify that I don't hate my life. I am so grateful and thankful that I have met the people that I have and I am thankful I had parents who were willing to support me. Everyone around me is better than I am and I'm so happy I got to be around such amazing figures, I just wish I could've been like that and committed to that. I'm pathetic, I have no more excuses. But I do have the question that I propose to any who have read this far: Do I stick it out, or do I just end my life already?
For all who read all of this, I appreciate you more than you will ever come to realize, even if you read it to laugh at me or so that you could have the knowledge of my story to berate me. You guys are everything, and I can only hope the best for you all. Please never end up like me, you're all surely so talented with bright futures ahead of you, I'd hate to see you be like me. Love you all!
I'm sorry for the giant wall this post is, and I'm also just sorry in general. So yeah, sorry.

Hi!
It's a lot of writing in a wonky English but it's been helping me mentally.
I started this Monday my removal journey with my B&W tattoo.
Everything went wrong this this tattoo. I drove a few hours to learn my tattoer was sick and nobody thought of calling me to cancel the appointment. I was quite angry and asked to get my deposit back as it was a poor behaviour from the tattoo parlor, and I didn't want any business with them anymore. The tattoo parlor offered me to get tattooed by someone else instead and I should never have accepted. The guy was a prick, he was annoyed to tattoo me and do extra hours so he hurt me really bad, did a poor job, and he tweaked the fine line tattoo I was supposed to have to this humongous atrocity without my consent. He did a gross and thick lineart on the ginko leaves as well. The ink spread really bad, my weight loss (~25lbs) fixed it a bit as my skin and thus the ink was more tightened, but it still looked awful and I'm heartbroken as the logo is from a franchise that has a lot of meaning to me.
So there we are. I wish like everyone else the result would be seen faster, the ink would look more faded but I think it's a good start. At least the girl at the clinic was really nice, I felt secure, a doctor was here too and there's an emergency line 24h/24h. Despite the lidocaine numbing cream not working I took it like a champ and did it in one go. It seems to have a smooth healing, the blisters already flattened on their own and the redness is mostly gone. The white ink didn't react nor oxidized.
Since I went to a clinic that offers the Q-switched technology and it has been enough for the B&W tattoo, I'm going to another one this afternoon that has a Discovery Pico laser, Nd:yag Pico laser and a ruby Q-switched laser to inquire for another tattoo that was done in watercolor style, so a lot of white and all the colors. (you can see it in Pic 1 and 5, it's on the inner of my arm holding the phone). I really like the first clinic I went to and I will finish the removal of the B&W tattoo with them, but they're not experienced in colors at all.
I know I'm still going to be disappointed as the chances to remove the colors it are slim and everything could go wrong with oxydation. The patch tests I did with the Q-switched laser look bad already, Pico might be better but I lost hope. I don't think I'm mentally ready to hear any more about this watercolor tattoo. I should feel happy with myself since I'm now at a good weight and I fixed a lot of insecurities I had of my body but these two tattoos are making me feel so miserable, especially the watercolor one. I miss my bare skin, and I know I'll probably never see it again.

I got diagnosed end of the last year I’m 19 female. I went to Waldorf school(Steiner education) 1-6 grade in which I got kicked out :). I have old writings from teacher what they did when a pupil finishes a grade, in all of them they described me as a really talkative, “air headed”, hyperactive , messy, not holding attention, un organised, forgetting homework or forgetting my things home all the time. ( those are usually the symptoms that boys show, boys get diagnosed more). But i just got told that I’m weird. It was really hard for me to study and write( it still is very hard). Also this school had a lot of bullying and teachers were manipulating: example once teachers nose started to bleed and she told us that it was because of our behaviour.
But I wish I have gotten help sooner, I wish I have never been but to this school. After I got kicked out it was my downfall but I’m now okey and this year will be finishing 12th grade!
Have anyone had similar experiences? Sorry if there are grammar mistakes I’m to lazy to check:P
(There’s more things if something is unclear ask)

Bear with me as I describe what amounts to an almost religious experience after finishing the game for the first time. SPOILERS and nigh-rambling. But I just have to share. I hope you'll stay a while a listen. :)
I tried playing Cyberpunk a couple months ago. Corpo Male, strong roleplaying. When the Johnny Silverhand stuff started, I got really frustrated and quit. I didn't like how the game saw fit to ramrod me into this extremely narrow story when I thought the experience was going to be more open than that. I wanted to play a character who tried to rise to the top of Night City's corporate world through double-dealing and backstabbery...and now all the sudden my character is dying and has this voice in his head.
I was not going to be able to tell the story I wanted to tell.
It was that ludonarrative dissonance thing, like in the Witcher 3, I always struggled to justify doing too many side missions, given that Geralt (as I was playing him) was very concerned about finding Ciri, so there just didn't seem to be time to get embroiled in all these other adventures.
But then I saw this randomly come across my YouTube feed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0gR_C0Pd1k&ab_channel=JekavacTV
Dude. I don't care how linear your story is...that's incredible. And dark.
I've been on hard times lately. While I was never serious about unaliving myself, it was a thought that bounced around in my head here and there at my lowest moments...and this clip just...it hit me. I always believed that self-deletion was deeply wrong, if only because of the harm it did to others who loved you. Whatever was on the table, that solution could never be entertained seriously. I just couldn't do it to my loved ones.
But I've also been struggling with who I am, who I'm supposed to be, what my purpose is. LOL big club I know.
But that video convinced me to give 2077 another try. If an ending could be that hardcore and meaningful...there must be something worthwhile in this game. So I rolled a Nomad Male, and began my love affair with this game. I didn't try to concoct a character so much as just try to play V as myself. I really related to his leaving the Bakkers, and going it alone. Also I moved around a lot as a kid, and my Dad was a hippie biker in his heyday, and a mechanic. So it felt true to form.
And then when you meet Jackie...I mean c'mon, who's more loveable than Jackie?
I really started to get into the game then. And it finally started to dawn on me what the game's story is trying to communicate.
I figured 2077 would devolve into a lot of cynicism, and exploit the violence and sex for cheap thrills. Or maybe it would lean on shock value and become doomeblackpill fodder. But CDPR ain't no slouches. Night City is an exaggerated snapshot of where we are now. And V's predicament is one many of us are facing: we want to make our mark on the world, but is it worth it to step on everyone along the way? Even if we're trying not to die? Or worse, just be erased. Many of us struggle with a voice in our head telling us we're fuckups. We're pussies. We're slaves. We're not worth the trouble.
At first I took Silverhand for an antagonist, essentially. A nasty SOB I had to keep at bay, given that my V was a mostly good guy who just wanted a family again. Especially after Jackie died...man his wake, and helping Misty sort through his things? That got to me.
And of course there's that lingering fear that, no matter how much Silverhand may begin to charm you or appear like he's on your side - he's going to take over. V is actually warned that eventually, Silverhand will just make a play to do just that.
So I was careful with him, but I wanted to know more, because he was such an intriguing character, and its easily one of Reeves' best performances. Period. So I invested in his conversations and eventually his sidequests. I also did what I could to help others in Night City who helped me. I was dying, so...it felt like a good time to be generous. Even if sometimes I had to off a bunch of gangoons with a shotgun. XD
Then as the story developed, I began to see that Silverhand wasn't quite the legend everyone thought. He was a man who had sorely, sorely screwed his life up - as well as the lives of many others. He even seemed to regret it.
I even told Silverhand I'd take a bullet for him, after receiving his dog tags. I never expected that kind of a scene between those two.
It became clear that Silverhand was a ghost, stuck between life and death, looking for absolution, trying to do something right for once. And V could help. So I did. We found Alt Cunningham. We took Rogue on a date. We got Samurai together for one last gig. We tried to track Adam Smasher down. I was putting trust in Johnny, and it was clear that he wasn't really wanting to kill V after all. But he had no choice.
I also met Panam, fell in love, and became a de-facto Aldecaldo. Was never sure about Saul, but Mitch and the others were just salt of the earth man. Great little storyline.
I helped Judy, all the way until she finally left Night City, and was glad of it. I do wish she was romanceable by dudes, but...she was still just too precious, I couldn't turn a blind eye to her problems, or her kindness. Her little story with the underwater town was so moving and unique...I just wanted to give that girl a hug man. What a sweetheart.
Then it all came to a head. V is on his last leg. That fateful scene where you make your big choice. Silverhand pushing me to just take the orange pill and let him do his thing, since he's almost in control anyway. Or I could testify against Yorinobu, and put my trust in Arasaka. OR, I could call on my new family in Panam and the Aldecaldos, but put them at risk.
This entire game I felt like every choice was vital. I felt like one slip up and I could mess up my chances of living, or even worse, do wrong by the people I cared about, just like Jackie. But I stuck to my guns, helped who I could...
Which is why I chose to lean on the Aldecaldos for help. Yes, I was putting them at risk. But even though I was beginning to trust Johnny, this wasn't his fight anymore. Much as Johnny might have a shot, I couldn't just give up now. And I certainly wasn't going to trust anyone at Arasaka.
The raid on Arasaka HQ with the clan was rough. Felt like all my choices had led here, and I worried that CDPR was going to punish me for my past choices, given that Night City takes no prisoners and few get out alive. I also knew that Adam Smasher was bound to appear. And having seen Edgerunners...I knew that wasn't going to be pretty. I saw how Johnny's story ended, for example.
There were rumblings about Saul and Panam still being at odds, and I figured the game was priming me for a betrayal or a horrific upset somehow. But I forged ahead anyway, because I was with my family. I didn't want power. I didn't even want to be a legend. I just wanted to live.
I watched Adam Smasher kill Saul horrifically, heard Panam scream in horror...and I zeroed that MFer. XD
Protip: even on Hard Diff, if you have the right perks and implants, you can be virtually unkillable. Only died once. Not sure if that's impressive, but it felt impressive. XD
My V wasn't sophisticated, but he was tough as nails and determined. I wasn't about to let everyone's sacrifice be in vain. Not Saul's. Not Jackie's. Not Goro's. Not Johnny's.
I informed Smasher of Johnny's resurrection just before blowing his brains out with Johnny's own signature gun. Even though Johnny was subdued by the bluepill, it felt like my last gift to him...even as I was moments from death.
Then the moment of truth...Mikoshi. I asked Panam for parting advice. She said "Just be yourself." Normally I'd roll my eyes at that advice but, something about it felt prophetic.
The final choice. Alt had used Soulkiller on me, in order to save me, but now it seemed I wasn't going to get my happy ending. I could go with her beyond the Blackwall, and finally let Johnny have my body - or I could return, but only have about six months, since the Relic had just caused too much damage.
It wasn't that hard of a choice. Leave everything and everyone I had grown to love behind for some bizarre virtual afterlife? Or let Johnny finally rest, and let V return to the world, Panam and the Aldecaldos? I chose life. As Johnny laid me down in the 'well', gently, he said "Goodbye V." And it felt like two friends parting ways. It felt like he'd made a change, and I helped him get there.
And boy was I rewarded. Even though I didn't have long, I had a chance to start again, and maybe even find another way to live. I had Panam, I had the Caldos, and I could finally leave Night City in the dust. "I have everything I need", V said.
This game absolutely SLAPS with hard choices. Over and over and over, you're reminded about how unfair the world is. But if you keep your head on, and ignore the power plays, stay true to your friends, and don't take no shit - you can get out alive. And not just you. The ones you love can too.
Of course, many of you already know all of this. So why did I bother posting?
All my life I've felt like maybe I've been too nice, or too careful, or too unwilling to take life by the balls. But one thing I've always been good at is helping people in need when I can, and always being available to my friends. But for some reason I always looked down on myself for it. I never felt like I was worth anything. I never felt like I was making a difference in the world. There were so many hard choices, and I felt like I never made the right ones. And that I'd just die one day, and be forgotten. Never having made my mark. Just like so many in Night City...
Some days I'd think "Maybe it'd just be better if I was never born." Because I was such a fuckup. A loser. A nobody.
But the person who helps people, who's there for others even when its inconvenient? That's the kind of person who can make a REAL difference. Fuck money. Fuck politics. Fuck fame. None of its worth a damn if you aren't doing right by others.
And that really came through in the end credits. I'm not ashamed to say I was in tears as all these people from my playthrough reminded me how much I meant to them. How much they cared, and that I mattered. All these people had happy endings because of me. I never let them down, not even when the grim reaper himself was breathing down my neck.
It was like all my IRL friends and family were speaking to me in those moments. And finally, FINALLY, I could see myself as they saw me: a man who cared and was trying to be there for them. A man that made a difference in their lives.
Yeah I didn't save the world, per se. But, really, that's how we save the world for real, lame as it may sound. The sheer contrast between the ending I had earned by just trying to do right by all the people in V's life, and that horrific ending I posted earlier was...stark. If you give up, then everyone suffers, not just you.
This game saw me, and reminded me who I was. It rewarded me for it, and I'll never forget it. For all its flaws, all its quirks and failings, I adored this game and all the effort that went into it. It's clear CDPR were trying to say something with this work of art, and boy was the message received on my end.
I can safely say I'm less likely to despair now because of it. I feel more alive because of it. I feel more prepared for the real world because of it. And I wanted to share my experience, if only to remind one person that:
We can all make a difference. Live for others, not yourself. It pays off. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. It's the only legacy worth leaving in this fallen world.

My (19M) friend (19M) texted me 3 months ago to tell me that he could no longer speak to me because he is in a committed relationship and he was starting to develop a crush on me. In order to prioritise his boyfriend, whom he loves very much, he had to cut contact with me, for a non-specific amount of time. In his words, it is “dangerous” for us to speak.
This all starts when we were 16- 3 years ago. Something important to know: this did not start platonically. We were two 16 year old boys who had similar interests and who could sustain one another intellectually, and thence began a romantic long-distance summer fling. He is a classical musician and actually composed me some pieces. After a while, it died out because of the distance. We remained friends after the fact, but I most certainly did not forget him. He told me at 16 that I was one of those people you’re told your whole life that you’ll meet. Those words have stuck with me.
For the next two years that followed, contact remained spotty. Any conversation we had revolved around music (mostly), philosophy, life, anything. Usually long conversations, but very infrequent.
Then August 2023 rolls around. I’m 18 and I’m about to begin uni on the other side of the country. In a new city….. in his city. Yes, I moved to his city. Not on purpose. I post my arrival on my Instagram story, and he replies that we must get coffee together sometime soon. Basically, I was head over heels. I had a crush on this guy. He’s a local, so he ended up picking a pizza restaurant. I arrive first and I’m waiting in front of the restaurant, facing the window. All of a sudden, I see his reflection in the window; a guy wearing a violin case like a backpack. I turn around and he crosses the street to come give me a hug. This was our first meeting in person.
We spoke a while in the restaurant. Spoiler: He has had a boyfriend since March at this point (I HAD NO CLUE). At one point in our pizza-filled conversation, he mentions his boyfriend. However, in our language, the word he used can mean either boyfriend or friend. I really didn’t think he was in a relationship, so my delusional ass interpreted it in the platonic sense. After the restaurant, we walked to his music school, where we found a room. I sat on a chair and he took out his violin. He asked me to name any composer and he would play a piece from said composer. I neglected to mention that he is extremely talented. One in a million. If it isn’t obvious, I thought this was a date. It was not a date; not for him at least.
After said encounter, I felt quite disappointed that I didn’t get any romantic vibes from him (duh, it was not a date. He literally mentioned his boyfriend lol). I complained to my old roommate for days about this. My roommate, on some intoxicated bender, texts this guy and tells him that he needs to let me know if he has feelings for me or not. I was furious. My roommate guiltily confessed this to me the following morning. He told my roommate that he is not single and that he is not at all interested in me. He does say, however, that “we would have been the perfect match”; something that he probably shouldn’t have said but it is not something that I will contest. What my roommate did was a gross violation of my boundaries, of course I’m upset. However, in a way, it almost needed to happen. A few days later, I reply to his story about some other restaurant, and he says that his bf/friend (the word is ambiguous in our language) recommended it to him. I ask him if he has a boyfriend and he clears it up then and there. It was after this interaction that my crush dissipated. Knowing that he wasn’t interested in me really helped with me moving onto other guys.
Over the following months, we speak every now and then. When we spoke, the conversations would not end. The kind of conversations where you know that you have to go to bed, so you wished the other person goodnight, yet there you are talking about fucking Ligeti 50 minutes later. Anyways, while I was supposed to working on a philosophy assignment, I told him that I USED to have a crush on him, but I was firm on the fact that I no longer did. I told him the “date” story as a funny anecdote. He had no clue that I ever liked him like that at any point. The conversation got a little awkward, but he told me that he really loves his boyfriend, but that he “does not forget”. He tells me that we would have been a perfect match. Funny.
A little while after, he invites me to one of his concerts at the museum. There, I meet his mother and grandparents. Also, his boyfriend. The concert was great, and the three of us chat for a while afterwards. Unfortunately, he has to leave, but he suggests that I tour the museum with his boyfriend, so his boyfriend and I tour the museum together. Interesting experience. Something important to know: I don’t have the best impression of his boyfriend. Their relationship is (was???) an open relationship and it felt like this guy really had to convince him to join his polyamory, based on what he told me in their conversations. Also, they were apparently on a break at one point earlier in the year because my friend’s mental/physical health was really bad, so to me it seems as though his boyfriend abandoned him in his time of need because the relationship “got hard”, so I already don’t have the best impression of him based on what my friend has told me. Anyways, I honestly thought that his bf was flirting with me??? (I guess he is allowed to because it’s an open relationship, but still…).
Fast forward the following month: we were supposed to see a concert together but something bad happened so he couldn’t attend. I end up buying him a CD which I had signed because this is a very famous pianist who just happened to visit our city. For like 3 months, we didn’t see each other, but I reminded him regularly that I had a specially-signed CD to give him. He has classes next to my apartment sometimes, but we can’t seem to get our schedules to fit…. until the end of February.
He has this class thing where you can invite people to watch you play and get critiqued, which he invited me to! After watching him play, I greet him outside the room and one of his colleagues. Let’s call her F. We all chat a little and I give him his disk. Literally such a mundane interaction.
BUT THEN THREE DAYS LATER, he texts me that he is very sorry, but that we have to cut contact. He has been dishonest toward himself and toward his boyfriend, because he has a crush on me. He doesn’t WANT to have a crush on me. And look, I get it. His relationship is important and he is putting the guy he loves first. You can’t control how you feel about people, but you CAN control what you do about it. So I get it. Wouldn’t I do the same? I told him to promise me that he wouldn’t forget about me completely. I screamed “what the actual fuck” multiple times because I didn’t know how to process this. This is definitely not an event I expected to have in 2024… The only links we have in common are now: we have each other’s phone numbers, we are Facebook friends, and I am friends with F on Facebook because she also happens to be in my programme at uni. But we have not spoken. Not a single word between us since February 24th. I respect his decision, so I will not speak to him.
This guy occupied my mind rent-free. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Frustrating because when he told me that he wasn’t interested back in August, that was enough to help me move on. And all of a sudden, my mind can’t let go of the fact that this guy has a crush on me. This guy, whom my type is kind of based on honestly. Middle of March rolls by, and I meet F (his colleague) again at an event hosted by our programme. We all got drunk, especially me 🤦🏻‍♂️. And of course, being drunk, you have a tendency to bring down your inhibitions. We’re on the bus and she asks me how I know the friend. I tell her it’s a long story, but that I can’t speak to him anymore. I say that “he’s soooo dramatic”. She asks me to explain further, but I tell her that I can’t.
The next day, I felt like an idiot!!! Wow. I almost told her what happened. I don’t need that spreading around his school. I saw a uni therapist at the beginning of April, which didn’t really help much. Every time I took the bus, I would check to see if he too was on the bus. Never was.
BUT THEN, I met someone new. We’ll call him T. T has been successful in getting my mind off of the friend. It’s quite recent, but we’re seeing each other and it’s moving along smoothly. Beginning of May, I barely think about the friend anymore. I have a new guy in my thoughts and I’m very happy about it. So T and I go to see a concert together. Guess who just had to be doing a pre-concert in the waiting hall. The violinist friend. T and I are walking up the stairs and all of a sudden the violinist and I made eye-contact and I basically just had a hot flash. I had not seen this guy since February… And I seriously had to make eye-contact with him while I’m on a date with T???
I feel like my progress is ruined. Ever since I saw him at the concert hall, he is on my mind again. I keep checking his Facebook. I can’t listen to my favourite music without thinking about him. But I refuse to give up the music that feeds my soul just because he likes the same stuff. I feel awful toward T, because I have another guy in my thoughts.
All I know is that this person is special. I have known this for years and he is not someone I could accept never having in my life again. He has never forsaken me. I have a deep desire to share my life with him and to be apart of his, and I am perfectly okay with it being platonic. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life without it being a soap opera.
TL;DR: An old friend that I had a crush on, but no longer had a crush on once I found out that he was in a relationship and was not interested in me, ended up having a crush on me and has had to cut contact with me in order to not be dishonest toward his boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me mad.

My (19M) friend (19M) texted me 3 months ago to tell me that he could no longer speak to me because he is in a committed relationship and he was starting to develop a crush on me. In order to prioritise his boyfriend, whom he loves very much, he had to cut contact with me, for a non-specific amount of time. In his words, it is “dangerous” for us to speak.
This all starts when we were 16- 3 years ago. Something important to know: this did not start platonically. We were two 16 year old boys who had similar interests and who could sustain one another intellectually, and thence began a romantic long-distance summer fling. He is a classical musician and actually composed me some pieces. After a while, it died out because of the distance. We remained friends after the fact, but I most certainly did not forget him. He told me at 16 that I was one of those people you’re told your whole life that you’ll meet. Those words have stuck with me.
For the next two years that followed, contact remained spotty. Any conversation we had revolved around music (mostly), philosophy, life, anything. Usually long conversations, but very infrequent.
Then August 2023 rolls around. I’m 18 and I’m about to begin uni on the other side of the country. In a new city….. in his city. Yes, I moved to his city. Not on purpose. I post my arrival on my Instagram story, and he replies that we must get coffee together sometime soon. Basically, I was head over heels. I had a crush on this guy. He’s a local, so he ended up picking a pizza restaurant. I arrive first and I’m waiting in front of the restaurant, facing the window. All of a sudden, I see his reflection in the window; a guy wearing a violin case like a backpack. I turn around and he crosses the street to come give me a hug. This was our first meeting in person.
We spoke a while in the restaurant. Spoiler: He has had a boyfriend since March at this point (I HAD NO CLUE). At one point in our pizza-filled conversation, he mentions his boyfriend. However, in our language, the word he used can mean either boyfriend or friend. I really didn’t think he was in a relationship, so my delusional ass interpreted it in the platonic sense. After the restaurant, we walked to his music school, where we found a room. I sat on a chair and he took out his violin. He asked me to name any composer and he would play a piece from said composer. I neglected to mention that he is extremely talented. One in a million. If it isn’t obvious, I thought this was a date. It was not a date; not for him at least.
After said encounter, I felt quite disappointed that I didn’t get any romantic vibes from him (duh, it was not a date. He literally mentioned his boyfriend lol). I complained to my old roommate for days about this. My roommate, on some intoxicated bender, texts this guy and tells him that he needs to let me know if he has feelings for me or not. I was furious. My roommate guiltily confessed this to me the following morning. He told my roommate that he is not single and that he is not at all interested in me. He does say, however, that “we would have been the perfect match”; something that he probably shouldn’t have said but it is not something that I will contest. What my roommate did was a gross violation of my boundaries, of course I’m upset. However, in a way, it almost needed to happen. A few days later, I reply to his story about some other restaurant, and he says that his bf/friend (the word is ambiguous in our language) recommended it to him. I ask him if he has a boyfriend and he clears it up then and there. It was after this interaction that my crush dissipated. Knowing that he wasn’t interested in me really helped with me moving onto other guys.
Over the following months, we speak every now and then. When we spoke, the conversations would not end. The kind of conversations where you know that you have to go to bed, so you wished the other person goodnight, yet there you are talking about fucking Ligeti 50 minutes later. Anyways, while I was supposed to working on a philosophy assignment, I told him that I USED to have a crush on him, but I was firm on the fact that I no longer did. I told him the “date” story as a funny anecdote. He had no clue that I ever liked him like that at any point. The conversation got a little awkward, but he told me that he really loves his boyfriend, but that he “does not forget”. He tells me that we would have been a perfect match. Funny.
A little while after, he invites me to one of his concerts at the museum. There, I meet his mother and grandparents. Also, his boyfriend. The concert was great, and the three of us chat for a while afterwards. Unfortunately, he has to leave, but he suggests that I tour the museum with his boyfriend, so his boyfriend and I tour the museum together. Interesting experience. Something important to know: I don’t have the best impression of his boyfriend. Their relationship is (was???) an open relationship and it felt like this guy really had to convince him to join his polyamory, based on what he told me in their conversations. Also, they were apparently on a break at one point earlier in the year because my friend’s mental/physical health was really bad, so to me it seems as though his boyfriend abandoned him in his time of need because the relationship “got hard”, so I already don’t have the best impression of him based on what my friend has told me. Anyways, I honestly thought that his bf was flirting with me??? (I guess he is allowed to because it’s an open relationship, but still…).
Fast forward the following month: we were supposed to see a concert together but something bad happened so he couldn’t attend. I end up buying him a CD which I had signed because this is a very famous pianist who just happened to visit our city. For like 3 months, we didn’t see each other, but I reminded him regularly that I had a specially-signed CD to give him. He has classes next to my apartment sometimes, but we can’t seem to get our schedules to fit…. until the end of February.
He has this class thing where you can invite people to watch you play and get critiqued, which he invited me to! After watching him play, I greet him outside the room and one of his colleagues. Let’s call her F. We all chat a little and I give him his disk. Literally such a mundane interaction.
BUT THEN THREE DAYS LATER, he texts me that he is very sorry, but that we have to cut contact. He has been dishonest toward himself and toward his boyfriend, because he has a crush on me. He doesn’t WANT to have a crush on me. And look, I get it. His relationship is important and he is putting the guy he loves first. You can’t control how you feel about people, but you CAN control what you do about it. So I get it. Wouldn’t I do the same? I told him to promise me that he wouldn’t forget about me completely. I screamed “what the actual fuck” multiple times because I didn’t know how to process this. This is definitely not an event I expected to have in 2024… The only links we have in common are now: we have each other’s phone numbers, we are Facebook friends, and I am friends with F on Facebook because she also happens to be in my programme at uni. But we have not spoken. Not a single word between us since February 24th. I respect his decision, so I will not speak to him.
This guy occupied my mind rent-free. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Frustrating because when he told me that he wasn’t interested back in August, that was enough to help me move on. And all of a sudden, my mind can’t let go of the fact that this guy has a crush on me. This guy, whom my type is kind of based on honestly. Middle of March rolls by, and I meet F (his colleague) again at an event hosted by our programme. We all got drunk, especially me 🤦🏻‍♂️. And of course, being drunk, you have a tendency to bring down your inhibitions. We’re on the bus and she asks me how I know the friend. I tell her it’s a long story, but that I can’t speak to him anymore. I say that “he’s soooo dramatic”. She asks me to explain further, but I tell her that I can’t.
The next day, I felt like an idiot!!! Wow. I almost told her what happened. I don’t need that spreading around his school. I saw a uni therapist at the beginning of April, which didn’t really help much. Every time I took the bus, I would check to see if he too was on the bus. Never was.
BUT THEN, I met someone new. We’ll call him T. T has been successful in getting my mind off of the friend. It’s quite recent, but we’re seeing each other and it’s moving along smoothly. Beginning of May, I barely think about the friend anymore. I have a new guy in my thoughts and I’m very happy about it. So T and I go to see a concert together. Guess who just had to be doing a pre-concert in the waiting hall. The violinist friend. T and I are walking up the stairs and all of a sudden the violinist and I made eye-contact and I basically just had a hot flash. I had not seen this guy since February… And I seriously had to make eye-contact with him while I’m on a date with T???
I feel like my progress is ruined. Ever since I saw him at the concert hall, he is on my mind again. I keep checking his Facebook. I can’t listen to my favourite music without thinking about him. But I refuse to give up the music that feeds my soul just because he likes the same stuff. I feel awful toward T, because I have another guy in my thoughts.
All I know is that this person is special. I have known this for years and he is not someone I could accept never having in my life again. He has never forsaken me. I have a deep desire to share my life with him and to be apart of his, and I am perfectly okay with it being platonic. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life without it being a soap opera.

I haven’t journaled yet today, it’s 6:23pm so I guess I’ll start now. It’s been a fine day, I’ve been so sleepy though. But not drained tired, sleepy tired? I slept fine though, as per usual. I still managed to be pretty productive work wise which I’m proud of myself for.
I read an article today about assisted dying for mental health related reasons as opposed to physical health. It seems to be somewhat controversial, which is fine but I am firmly on the side that if all options have been exhausted then you should be able to use a healthcare service like that. I do realise I’m very pro assisted dying, I’d use the E word but lord knows I’d get chat requests being like blah blah blah you need god blah blah blah. I try and avoid certain searchy words for that reason, I clearly fail a lot of the time. Anyway I think it’s a good thing. I don’t think it should ever be considered a light decision, and I agree that there should be layers in place to ensure the person is entirely informed and clear on the decision. It’s hard though, because for those with psychiatric illnesses some may not be considered “in their right mind” so their application might be denied based on that, but I feel like the whole point of their application is because of their mind so… ? I’m sure there’s a smart way about deciphering who’s safe to get it and who’s not, but I just know it will always err on the side of caution and if there’s even a seed of doubt they’d get denied. But I think it’s important to have psychiatric illnesses included too, not just physical illnesses - both are suffering an unbearable amount, it’s just that one is visible and the other isn’t - and I don’t feel like other people should be able to make health related decisions for someone purely because they can’t see the illness. Anyway I’m glad it’s an option for some people, because killing yourself can be so violent and messy and a lot more traumatic for their family, whereas I think if they can choose to go peacefully then that’s a lot better. I realise it’s still hard for the family and friends and things, but I hate when people call it selfish. It is NOT selfish and I feel like the only people who say it’s selfish are the people who can’t fathom the amount of pain you can experience. And even if they haven’t experienced the feeling, so what? They likely also haven’t experienced cancer or paralysis or whatever else, but they show more sympathy then. It’s like they think people choose to hurt in their head or something. Anyway I think it’s very sad but I could not feel more strongly about the fact you should have control over your life - which includes how it ends. I don’t think some random doctor or government who doesn’t even know you should be able to dictate how you end your life. I think putting measures in place to review applications is important but I think there should be less decision from strangers and more decision from the individual that it’s actually affecting. Anyway. I’m a BIG believer in this and I’m glad that those suffering in their head might have some sort of option.
I love him so much. He just sent the cutest thing. So I asked if he could call me when he wakes up even if I’m asleep, and I said I know I can be clingy which is not news to him, anyway he said this is you with a lil smiley and it was a lil video of a baby panda latched on to a zookeepers leg and it wouldn’t let go. He is the zookeeper to my baby panda :) He just makes me so… everything. I can say things like I’m clingy and I miss you and can you please call me and I know he won’t think I’m silly or annoying or anything, or maybe he does sometimes but he doesn’t ever make me feel bad about it. I just love him so much it hurts.
His keyboard is all set up now and he’s so thrilled with it and it makes me so happy!
I wish I could use retinol, but I know my skin will go berserk if I do :(
I haven’t really done anything this evening. I’ve had a shower, read my book, watched some YT and tried to shape my nails a bit and failed. I’m so so so so bad at shaping nails.
There was an earthquake :(
I really need to book my usual appointments, I mean I can go longer with my brows but I do also kind of need hair, brow and nails appointments… I think I’ll wait a bit longer though. Especially for hair. And I can do my own nails and save $80 considering they do next to nothing anyway.
I really have nothing to say so night night

Medical settings are my biggest issue by far. I always feel so triggered and not listened to and I just had an amazing experience with a clinic.
It’s only a small thing but they called me to book in an appointment (I’ve seen them before and they know I’ve got autism but I didn’t feel like they had really taken it on board). This woman was so good, she said she knew that I preferred to have appointments in the morning so she was finding me the earliest available. She also said ‘am I right in thinking you would prefer to have all the information about the medications and procedures before the consultation so you can read up’ 🤩🤩🤩 and then she called me back and said ‘actually I think it would be good to book you a double slot so you have more time and don’t feel rushed, would that be helpful?’
I’m just so happy, I finally feel relaxed and listened to properly! It’s completely changed my mindset about the appointments (and rather scary procedure). I wish all medical places could be so accommodating.

Hi,
I'm asking for advice on quite a complex situation with no legal knowledge or experience. Any help is greatly appreciated.
I'm a neutral party and stuck in the middle (31f). My sister (I'll refer to as Jan, 43f), and our father (Tim 70m) have a 'turbulent' relationship.
For context, Tim is terminally ill with months to live.
4 years ago, in 2020, Jan and her partner at the time with 2 children had a messy separation. There was an allegation of assault which resulted in dropped charges. During this investigation, Tim wrote a witness statement with the partner's solicitor which effectively destroyed Jan's character and behaviour, and protecting the partner. This statement was not used in this case.
Fast forward to 2022, Jan and the ex-partner went to family court after a complaint regarding Jan's parenting. There were numerous allegations of a serious nature. The statement that was written in 2020 appeared in Family court and was used heavily by the defence. As far as I'm aware, the family court is now concluded with custody decided (Jan will be weekends only after supervised contact etc).
Jan is incredibly hurt by the statement written by Tim. She sees this statement as a 'legal bomb' and it will always be used against her regarding the children. Jan wishes Tim to rescind this statement and is urging me (as she cannot directly be involved with facilitating) to make contact with the opposing solicitor to rescind. Jan believes that this statement hugely impacted the outcome of the case.
Tim is extremely angry that Jan's legal team did not challenge this statement. Tim believes that Jan's legal team should have been the party to prove/disprove this evidence.
I have spoken to Tim at length, he does believe Jan's character has changed over the last 4 years but does somewhat stand by what he said in the initial statement. I am aware that Jan is confronting Tim regularly about this statement, but I'm unable to prove/disprove intimidation.
Due to Tim's health, he is unable to leave the house for pro-longed periods of time.
I'm just looking for an overview of this situation from a legal standpoint, so I can support all parties as much as I can within suitable boundaries. I have not focused on the children in this case as Jan is happy with the case outcome (weekends only) and her only focus is this statement.
Thank you for reading.

I've recently halfway come out of an episode and became sort of self aware of my actions, but I realized during this time that I've been trapped in the dreaded cycle of isolation basically my entire life at this point. I have always had an issue with being able to have uncomfortable conversations with people, and when that does happen or someone does hurt me whether it is intentional or not, instead of talking to them about it I will usually resort to something drastic like completely taking myself out of their life either online or even in person too. I have been doing this for so many years at this point even with people that I never wanted to lose simply because I was afraid of uncomfortable conversations or genuinely taking accountability for certain things I said or did when I was hurt and upset at everyone.
This cycle has left me with basically nobody left in my life because I will always go radio silent and never find my way back into their life, usually online where most times I'll usually never be able to find their username again because I delete my accounts to get away. I had never realized until recently how much this has only hurt me and the people who I loved and were close to, especially when I told them that I did truly love them, but I was so afraid of those feelings and closeness that I pushed them out of my life. I cannot express to anyone how much I miss a lot of those people that I pushed away and out of my life, but there isn't a way to go back to them because I can't find them and I can't imagine ever forgiving anyone if I was ever put into a situation like I put other people into when it comes to that.
I have always had an insecurity of being a selfish person my entire life, but I just wish I could go back and explain to them what was going through my mind and my reasoning wasn't entirely selfish and that I was doing it for them because I didn't want them to be miserable or hurt when they were with me anymore. I never realized that nobody was really miserable around me even when I was so scared of it, but the people who abused me were the ones who said that even though I did everything I could to keep them happy and entertained while with me. I just don't know what is real and what is fake anymore at this point, I have been struggling for so long to just forgive myself and forgive the people who hurt me and not let myself lose the new people who care about me right now like all the other times.
I recently got out of a difficult situation with someone who was abusive in some aspects and used me a lot for sexual favors, which led me to spiral when I realized afterwards and let myself feel that pain. I still doubt myself and that situation more than anything because they got me in a position to make me feel bad about myself when they knew what they were doing the entire time and I'm sure of it. I became really close with their friends too because they were all I had at the time, but I ended up confiding in them at that time and when I look back at that now I still feel like I was using them even when I know that it's okay to let people help me and that some people do actually care about me which has been hard to accept. When I look back, I realize now that I was extremely hurt at that time, and I did and said things that were not okay at all.
I tend to hurt people when I'm the most hurt myself, even when I know that isn't an excuse for my actions but an explanation of something that I continue to work on every day. I was hurting the people around me who were hurt as well by what that person had done because of my pain, and I know now that I need to do what is best and apologize for what I did during that time even when that won't make it completely right in any aspect. I caused the people I love to lose that other person who hurt me because I was hurt and that caused them more pain, which is never what I ever wanted for anyone to begin with and I just feel so guilty, but I know I should. Even at this point where I haven't been talking to any of them for a month at this point and I know they want me to come back, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to face that again and own up to how I acted during that time.
I want to apologize more than anything, and I want to be able to break the cycle and absolutely by any means not lose these people close to me again but I don't know what is better for me and everyone at this point and I feel stuck in this neverending cycle. In my mind at the time, I had every right in the world to be upset with these people and do what I did because that one person was abusive to me in some aspects and the other person I'm really close with was having a relationship with them behind my back while I was at the mental hospital. I have tried to find every excuse in the book for why they did what they did, but I still don't know if I'm allowed to be hurt by what they did or if I should just forgive and never forget. I still love them, but it hurts to be around them without talking about what they did constantly and asking them what they were thinking at the time.
Talking about it is tedious too, I have never liked talking about my own feelings because of confrontation, but I know at this point that I might have to if I want to break the cycle and keep these people in my life. I don't know how to go about putting myself back into their life because I fear that they might have become tired of waiting for me to come back, and I don't blame them for that. It has just been so frustrating and difficult, I don't want to lose that person, but at the same time I can't handle confronting them about anything at all in case I'm wrong or they feel like I'm stepping out of line and end up leaving me regardless. I just get so afraid at the same time that when I try to keep people in my life and work on our relationship, that I'm too much for them and I overwhelm them all while boring them at the same time. I will convince myself that they don't like me and they're lying, all while they're asking me over text to come back, and I just don't know how to feel or what to do.

I really need some reassurance.
So I'll try to keep this short (sorry if it isnt)
my childhood seems relatively normal. Personally I can't remember much, but I do remember feeling a bit different and being a bit messy and in my own world. But I can't remember exact memories and it's impossible to really speak to any teachers I had then for reasons.
According to my father, step mother and mum (although she was in a different country when I was 6-12); I was a lively, happy child.
But I feel that especially when it comes to my dad and step mum they're looking at it through rose tinted glasses ESPECIALLY since they don't really "believe" in mental health.
I'm just really scared that during my assessment comes around (which I'm on a waiting list for), it'll just end with me being dismissed as having anxiety or not adhd basically because I have few early childhood memories and no one to back me up.
But I don't see how this is anxiety or anything else... my life is in shambles at the moment because I cannot focus, I cannot get things done, I can't be consistent with routine that could even potentially help.
So like my mum tells me to go for walks to help a bit with my anxiety (she knows it won't cure it suddenly) and I do get walking out would help a bit but I cannot for the life of me stick to it. Either because I get bored or because I just can't do it as I'm too occupied with something else and procrastinate. And that's one example but this is basically what's going on in all aspects of my life. Self care, socially, academically, professionally, all of it.
I'm really struggling and I'm starting to lose hope that I may actually get that support I really, desperately need. And it's making me miserable and really depressed.

I was texting my friend last night and the converseation turned sour. For context, she has a pretty important test this morning. We were chatting, I was talking about how I listen to music before exams and she said she liked to cram
She said she was doing some active recall whilst watching Netflix, and I asked "Why the Netflix?". She said she liked it as background noise and didn't want to work, so I said it would be better to focus just on working or relaxing. She said that I listen to music while revising, and I said that me doing something wrong doesn't mean she isn't doing something wrong.
Her "How am I doing something wrong? Isn't wrong your own opinion?"
Me "yeah?"
Her "Should you really talk about right or wrong?"
Me "That's not the question at hand though."
Her "It is though, ur question only directs to one answer because its based upon opinion."
Me "Uh huh. Then that's my opinion."
Her "Good for you, thank you so much for expressing your opinion."
Me "Cool."
An hour passes. Then, she says how she appreciates my advice but it made her feel sad and she still feels miserable despite an hour passing, and she wished I hadn't said it. So I said "Yeah, that's fair, sorry for saying it. Hope you feel better, I didn't mean to make you feel bad when I said it."
Then she goes on to say how she's ended up crying because I didn't want to address the fact that she wasn't happy with something that I didn't think was a big deal.
I said I didn't realise she was so upset by it, and it was my mistake for not mentioning it earlier.
She says she's not that bothered by the phrase, but instead by the fact that I won't get why she's upset, so I won't feel sorry .
I said that my other friends have different emotional tolerances to her so i'm not that quick at catching whats going.
She says that me saying the phrase is like pushing someone over before a marathon and that even if nothing happens, you shouldn't just go "oops" and leave. How it didn't matter if I thought she was just a bit annoyed or very annoyed, I should've apologised either way.
After this, I say "sure, thats fair enough."
She says "I don't think you get it, you're still too stubborn and i'm still too sensitive but what does it matter." She sends a long text talking about she's "clinically mentally off" and how my comment kicked off a terrible migraine and she's very upset and that I should've genuinely apologised when I realised I was wrong. She says that when I apologise, I should do it without setting boundaries like "I'll apologise for this even though I didn't do this or I that, or my other friends react differently to you".
I thanked her for explaining and told her good luck, but I'd like another pair of eyes on this. I never wanted her to feel bad, and I am sorry for hurting her feelings, but I feel like there wasn't much else I could've done. She has mentioned she has mental health issues before, but extremely vaguely and rarely.
AITA?

TW: not a happy ending unfortunately
So there’s some stray cats by my work that stay around because people leave food out for them. Noticed recently one looked pregnant and two days ago she gave birth to a litter of kittens.
She was with them the first time I saw her with the kittens, however before leaving work later I went to check on them and saw she was on the other side of the fence just lying down while the kittens were just piled up on eachother crying for her, I searched online and saw it’s normal for the mom cat to leave for a bit then come back, so I thought nothing of it.
Wasn’t able to go to work the next day but today when I came I saw the entire litter unfortunately passed away and the mom was still nearby doing her own thing not even concerned about it.
I wish I did something sooner but unfortunately I had no way of knowing she would just leave them on their own and not even go feed them or anything. Does anyone know why she just abandoned and neglected them like that? Just makes no sense, it was a litter of 7 as well

Awhile ago my sophomore literature teacher read a poem to the class and i quite literally cant find it anywhere. I have asked her and she says she doesn't remember. It was about a person talking about their life, the key lines i can remember are "i have been very happy lately" , "my lover will return from the store with bags of vegetables", and near the end "everyone will die alone." The entire poem had a feel of "i know this happiness wont last, but I'm taking it as it goes" This is very long winded, I'm sorry, I've searched everywhere. My last ditch effort.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four months, and until now have shared what I thought was a mutually loving relationship. At the beginning of the relationship, I told him in depth about my experiences of being cheated on, and deceived in my past relationships, and how trust is now a struggle for me. For him it’s his first relationship. He told me at the time that he wanted to be the man who helped me heal from this, and I committed myself to giving him my trust unless he gave me a reason not to, even though it scared me. And I have. I’ve been getting counselling and have worked really hard to give our relationship its best chance, and I had so far managed to build a solid foundation of trust with him which I had never quite achieved in previous relationships. I really started to believe that he was different and that I could actually trust him. We had a conversation early in the relationship about porn, and while I did say that I wasn’t super comfortable with it, and that I didn’t think it was ideal to view while in a relationship and can also be quite harmful to the viewer, I didn’t say it was a dealbreaker for me. He at some point after that conversation then told me that he had stopped watching porn. Recently, I have moved into his house where he lives with his mum, on a temporary basis until we return from a holiday that I’m due to join him on in a few weeks. While we were laying in bed the other night, he opened his laptop in front of me and there was a tab open of a girls Tik Tok account that he clicked on and then quickly closed after I saw it. I asked him what it was and he looked sick and started acting cagey and wouldn’t answer my question. Eventually after me asking several more times, he said what it was. I asked why he had been looking at it and he again wouldn’t answer until I asked several times, and then said to me “it’s what you’re assuming probably”. I told him I wasn’t assuming anything and needed him to tell me himself, and he said that he had been masturbating to one of her tik toks the other day when I left for work, after we had already had sex that morning. I asked who the girl was and he said it was just some random, but he then elaborated that he’s met her before and has hung out in the same circle as her in social settings several times before we met and he thought she was ‘hot’ but has never actually spoken to her. I asked if he’s friends with her or follows her on any of his socials and he said no, which he then confirmed. I asked him how many times he’s masturbated to other women that he’s met in real life while he’s been with me and he said around 10 times. He said that his sexual attraction for other women didn’t end when he got into a relationship with me and that he thinks it’s just that “red-blooded male” thing of desiring variety, and that he’s had thoughts of these women and masturbating to them has been like a release of these sexual thoughts. It hurts me a lot as I’ve only been sexually attracted to him and haven’t desired or thought of anyone else sexually since we’ve been together, but we obviously have different natures which I can understand isn’t something that can be controlled even though it breaks my heart to know. In saying that, I said to him that even if his sexual urges for other women didn’t stop when we got together, what should have stopped out of respect for his commitment to me is him acting on it in any way. He said that it’s a normal thing for men to do and that he viewed it as being in a similar vein to watching porn as to him it was just a visual that he found sexually stimulating, but to me it feels akin to cheating even though logically I know it’s not, as he hasn’t been getting off on the act of sex but rather the fantasy of another person (the tik toks weren’t sexually explicit and were just of the girls face and body). To me it feels like he would sleep with these women if he had the opportunity, even while in a relationship with me, and it especially hurts that he’s done this after we’ve just had sex as if I’m not satisfying enough for him. We have a very active and fulfilling sex life and have had sex every single day that we’ve seen each other since we got together, he’s had many new sexual experiences with me and has been very vocal since the beginning that our sex is the best sex he’s ever had and that I’m everything he could ever want, and that he’s intensely attracted to me and satisfied by me in every way, so I don’t understand why it hasn’t been enough. Even after this he’s still saying that I’m everything he wants and I’m his dream woman, which is pretty hard to believe given what he’s been doing. He said he himself that he doesn’t understand how he could have everything he could possibly want and need and still feel the urge to do what he’s done as well. I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing and he said he would feel sick and disgusted, and he admitted that he never wanted me to know because he knew it was wrong and would hurt me, yet has done so anyway under the basis that what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me, so I’m struggling to believe that he even loves me when he hasn’t been doing so behind my back. To add insult to injury, he’s an extremely self-disciplined man in other areas of his life. He’s an mma athlete and I’ve recently just watched him go through a training camp which he put his absolute all into and made many sacrifices for, yet he hasn’t afforded me or our relationship the same level of commitment. Anyway, he’s since been extremely apologetic and remorseful and has been crying constantly as I’ve been contemplating whether to continue the relationship or not. He said that he feels sick for hurting me like this and doing the opposite of what he said he was going to do, and that he’ll never do it again and will do anything to earn my trust back and repair the relationship. He’s deleted and blocked certain girls on his socials and removed other ‘temptations’ from his view, let me see his phone and messages on his socials to assure me that it never went beyond this, and arranged to get counselling in a couple days which he’s said he will commit to doing as regularly as he needs to change and be the partner I deserve. I don’t know what to do as I believe he means it when he says he wants and intends to change but firstly, he’s still going to have his socials (and I wouldn’t ask him to delete them) so it would be very easy for him to unblock and go to these public profiles that he’s been using, and at the end of the day he’s still going to be who he is at the core regardless of what’s on his socials. I’m also worried that he’s just saying whatever he can so I won’t leave him and that it wouldn’t hold up once he felt comfortable again. I love him to bits and we’ve had an otherwise happy and healthy relationship so I want to give him a chance to do what he’s said but any trust I had in him has been completely destroyed. I know that he would have continued doing what he was doing had I not accidentally seen what I did and he’s admitted that he wouldn’t have been honest if I hadn’t of seen that and had just randomly asked, so I know he’s dishonest now. I’m scared that if he’s already been doing something that he knew would hurt me and has given into his sexual urges for other women in a way, that he could go all the way with it and sleep with someone else. And I’m worried that these habits might be too deeply ingrained (he’s been doing this for years and years) so he may not be able to change, and while I’m willing to give him a chance and at least just see how it goes and if he doesn’t stick to what he’s said then I’ll end the relationship, I’m concerned that he might continue to do what he’s been doing and just get better at hiding it and continue to deceive me because he doesn’t want to lose me. And lastly, my biggest concern is that giving him a chance will ruin my mental health in the process. He’s now on his way to Thailand where I’m supposed to be meeting him in three weeks time, and I’m already full of worry knowing all of this now, wondering if he’ll be unfaithful during his time alone over there and then keep it from me. So reddit, please weigh in, should I give him a chance?
TLDR: My boyfriend has been masturbating to the social media posts of other women that he’s met/knows in real life while he’s been in a relationship with me, and has hidden this from me. The trust is gone and I don’t know whether to give him another chance or end the relationship.

age regression and attachment (FP)
Heyyy,
So my names Ash (female), I’m turning 21 in September. I’m currently in my second year of uni and live at a residential college.
A bit about my background, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, my mum is a drug addict with psychosis, my dad passed away by suicide before I was born and my step-dad sexually abused me for most/all of my childhood. I was eleven when I went to the police and told them what was happening, after that I was placed in long term care with my carer (nan) and she was not physically abusive or unsafe but just very emotionally and psychologically abusive.
In year 7, after I had just been placed in care, I got very attached to my year 7 teacher, let’s call her Melissa, I was an eleven year old dealing with major ptsd and no support was given to me, anyways, I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her, obviously now when I look back I just wanted her to be my mum because I didn’t have one anymore, but as an eleven year old who spent the ages of 3 - 11 being molested, I thought it was normal to express love that way, anyways, she ended up filing a restraining order against me, expelling me and I got a formal caution from the police for harassment and stalking. My carer ended up hitting me and calling me weird, so ever since then our relationship has been very strained and I feel a lot of shame about my attachment problems but I know I need to be compassionate and kind to myself about it because it all stems from my mum and trauma.
Fast forward a few years, I kept forming attachments to different mother figures and over time I’ve learned how to manage the intensity of it better although internally I struggle with it just as much as I used to, it just doesn’t present the same way anymore.
Okay so that was all just for context, what I need advice on is my current attachment. As I said I live at a residential college, there we have a wellbeing and student support person, her names Anna, the moment I saw her I knew I’d get attached so I avoided her for weeks during my first year at the college last year, didn’t last long because I ended up having to see her for drinking too much and passing out at a club, I was given a drinking band for a week 😅 After that I emailed her many times and one of them was asking if she could be a parental figure type of person for me as I don’t have parents and she said yes but I don’t think she knew what she was getting herself into with me and my BPD and stuff lol rip
After that she gave me her number, a lot of the residents have her number, and then I started messaging her all the time and asking to come see her in her office all the time, I’d send her drunk text messages, I’d basically explode over text messages to her about my feelings and my thoughts and my trauma and everything really, she’d always respond in a caring manner. Last year I told her to go away and then come back so many times, it was very back and forth but she never took it personally because I think she understands why I behave the way I do sometimes, I had to make a statement to the police last year and she drove me there in her car.
Now it’s 2024 and it’s my second year living at the college and knowing Anna. I can open up to her more about things and talk more to her in person rather than messages all the time now, I do send goodnight and goodmorning texts though most days. I haven’t seen her or been in contact with her for almost a week now because she’s been so busy with running the college and everything and I guess I feel like I’ve been going crazy, my BPD favourite person symptoms really be going hard, the amount of messages I’ve sent about random ass shit argh. I just, she’s the first adult in my entire life who I have a stable relationship with, she doesn’t judge me or hate me or think I’m weird, all she wants is to support me and help me grow, I’ve never had someone like that in my life before and I just, I don’t know, I don’t want to lose her because she very much does feel like a mother figure to me, I feel like I’ve learnt so much from her over this past year already.
I just don’t know where this relationship is going, I don’t know if she actually cares about me or if she’s just doing her job and I don’t know, I don’t know what I want or my expectations, I know she can’t be my mum, she already has a family of her own but she did say when i leave she’s more than happy to catch up over coffee together
I just feel like when im with her I’m a child again and I act like one too it’s embarrassing but also she’s giving me a safe space to express myself and grow as an individual I guess
I don’t really know what I’m asking for I just want someone’s opinion on the situation and advice or something idk I’m sorry
Thank you for reading I’m kinda a bit stoned ngl ahaha

My mum went on a big holiday from two months and I was alone at home with my older brother, this has been the most peaceful two months of my life, she called every now and then but I always made sure I was busy, since the first call we had ended in a fight
It was amazing to feel like I was actually my age, I could go out and not worry about her calling me every hour for my exact location, not feeling like I was trapped or talked down to, I felt so much freedom.
My mum keeps telling I wouldn't survive on my own when I move out, but aside from my brother cooking some dinners and not as much expenses to pay compared to moving out, I did REALLY well. I was financially stable cause she didn't find any dumb reasons for me to fork over cash to her, I felt happy with myself, I was going out more often and making bigger strides in my career, I was getting things done and going out to the living room to relax without any dread. I was able to be more openly queer and not have to hide and endure her back handed comments towards my community
She's been back for one day and I've already gone back to putting my headphones in an hiding in my room
My mum doesn't like ANYTHING that belongs to me existing outside my room, including food and toiletries so she chucked everything right back in, making a mess of it.
She's told me off for every tiny things I've done in the past 24 hours, and put all the restrictions on how I can live back up, I despise it. I've struggled with trying to live with my ADHD, and it's impossible because she just refuses to give me any space to breathe, when she was gone, I got so much work done, I started taking driving lessons. My room never looked more organised. I felt free to actually USE my coping mechanisms and techniques without her making it more difficult for me
I woke up and heard her moving around the house and I felt absolutely depressed
It's too unstable out there for me to confidently move out, but not having her around for two months has made me know how much need to
She constantly tells me how she can't wait for me to leave and get out of her hair, but whenever I makes steps to leave, suddenly I can't survive in my own and I need to stay
She was aware I was happier without her, she mentioned it multiple times while on speaker with my brother. She's been aware that I don't love her for a very long time, but instead of looking at her behaviour, all she does is guilt me and push me further.
Her leaving made me finally realised how little I missed her.