Make meth at home

Hey! I completed my 12th with PCM and computer science as my subjects(from isc board) Physics: 71 Maths: 58 Chemistry: 58 Computer sci :89 English: 88
well there is a reason why my maths and chem scores werent at all good but who cares, this is final marks
I am more interested in B.Tech Mechanical. I did not give JEE and this was a bulnder on my part, i did not know that other colleges gives admission on jee %tile. This was a overshight by me.
I gave VITEEE, ComedK and CUET, filled IPU CET(didnt realise that it takes jee marks and filled for for councelling without any jee 💀)
In vit i got 1.5L rank and have option to opt for vit bhopal/Andra. (Which folks at redtaganna dissed and said its not worth it)
Now the reason i left jee is because i was focused for NDA and still am, i will e giving september attempt. And the reason i wanna do B.Tech Mechanical is also partly because i want to go in army and my interest more in that field than CS. And going in army is my ultimate goal(as an officer) either through direct entry in IMA or OTA or CDS.
I live in Delhi NCR region and want to get out of home so farther the college the happier i am(also brownie points if the college has a good campus life) but ultimately is the college in Delhi NCR is better than the far ones, ill take the better one.
The colleges out there all advertise on CSE branch which makes it difficult to make a decisions as i talked to people of similar colleges and they said that they dont put focus on Mechanical branch hence it is not worth it.
Please help me with penning down a few good colleges at which i can apply!
Thanks alot for reading this one out and guidance, bhagwan 2cr ka package lagwayega aapka :D!

Should I insist on moving?
For summary, we are an outcast in our baranggay. But my family still wants to stay even though we have bought a lot far from our current home.
So i have been telling my family that we should sell our house and build a new one in our recently bought lot in another municipality. Why? Because I feel and concluded that we are an outcast here.
From what I think this started is from the time of my father. He is what you call the unwanted and unloved child of his family. I hear a lot of heart breaking acts made by his whole family. I wont get into details but you can compare to those soap operas where a child is absolutely maltreated by his family. He was dirt poor and of course was treated horribly by our community. They would make fun of him every single day and trick him when selling his farm goods, although I hear 1 or 2 story about someone showing my father acts of kindness which I wont forget to mention and godbless them. Yeah so all this maltreatment cause my father to develop mild psychosis which thankfully healed for a decades after going through treatment and pills.
After my mother and father met and wed, they absolutely done their best and through sheer effort and perseverance, we have a decent life where 3 of my sibling have already graduated in college.
But still, those bad treatment still lingers in our community. Also the place have a bad name to it as it was settlement from various provinces and its pretty secluded and was too far away from the next barangay. This is what you can hear from other people of other baranggay when they hear the name of our baranggay, "idiots" "violent" "short fused" and many other monikers. What was worse is that even our immediate neighbors is always picking on us (thankfully not physical but still im worried about our mental health) which is why im making a post. They would mock us at earshot while drinking, making comments that are making my blood boil but I cant do anything. The houses around us are connected by blood like they would do a reunion and most of them are there. There are also confrontation from made by them ( mostly they try to intimidate us while drunk). We just let them and ignore them but lately its getting too often (once or twice a month)
Now thanks for my 3 other siblings, they were able to buy a lot as an investment.
Now getting back to my question, should i still insist in selling our house because the place is getting hostile for us and day by day, the animosity from them and us is building up, and I fear for the future. But the catch is that my siblings got little knowledge of these while my parents is the most adamant on selling the house. I tried on various occasion on persuading them and still no use. I tried telling them some of it by slipping some of it in our debate about selling the house or not and 2 of them said no. Im still at my high school so I really don't know what to do.

I’m wanting to break into the rental market and have come up with many ideas that I’ve run by this sub, so here’s another…
I have a bit over $100,000 in equity I can pull out of my primary residence ($240,000 value with right at $100,000 left on the mortgage). I know people will borrow against the equity in their primary house to buy an investment property, so I’m wondering if that’s a way for me to break into investment properties.
A bit more info. I have the income that I can afford 2 mortgages pretty easily,supposing I don’t exceed $180,000 purchase of a rental property. I have enough cash to cover repairs so don’t necessarily need to borrow money for that. The houses I’m looking at are basically move in ready homes. I’ve looked into BRRR but I’m not convinced I understand it enough to do well. My long term goal is that in another 20 years, rental properties are my retirement income.
Is using the equity in my primary residence a good/bad/decent idea? Do the numbers make sense to do it?

he said "come wander with me love come wander with me away from this sad world come wander with me"
E T Y M O L O G Y
good afternoon, children of Sol. today i'd like to dissect the meaning of a word.
what is a word?
is it its character? it sound? the length and phrase, is it the tone and enunciation of it? is it it's light or dark, it's unsung or loud spoken?
what is a word?
does it live now or then? future-tensed or forever?
it is increasingly becoming clear to me, a face, that i may not understand the nature of a word.
that i may make it out clearly, but not hear it fully.
that they ring louder in my hands and pit than i do in my ears.
the power words exhibit, i cannot pinpoint its locus.
i can only be swayed by it.
C O N V E R S A T I O N
and maybe i can only speak words with words.
unsaid or past told, i can only speak to it with words.
whether the onset of night, or the rapture of day, i have discovered i cannot speak to words with words
i can speak to it with my body, pits, hands and all.
that i may be able to answer them back , and maybe then i can be able to engage them
the words that have made a home within me
S U R A
the physical form of a word is a face
startling, a mouth to hear
ears tilted either side, eyes on a mission to anywhere but here
now, it's easier to look at your hairline
a word is easier to recall than a face
many faces can say the same word
make it out clearly, a word
make it out clearer, a face
let the pit weigh, arms fall
sum it up, and it is a corporeal form
a word, and more than just a face
i write a word to a face
and give face to a word
for a face is a word, and a word is a face
give it form, child
he came from the sunset he came from the sea he came from my sorrow and can love only me

i can even feel it, the aura, the way she looks at me with disgust, from the moment she wakes up i feel uneasy, in my own room i feel uneasy, as if she’s watching me, i can feel not being welcome, being hated by my own mother. i dont want to stay, i really want to leave, i’d rather be homeless than live with this fucking narcissist any second. she wishes i was never born, she wishes i’d disappear, she wishes she never i was never even conceived, i can see it in her eyes.
this is the first time i call my mother that, i have never insulted her, never yelled at her or even raised my voice, in every “argument” it’s her screaming at me or saying very harsh things and me sitting there, taking it. but calling her that word after years of torment feels good.
she never smiles at me, i dont remember the last time she did, everytime i try to talk sweet to her and show her i love her, she says “i dont talk all lovey dovey” and implies she only knows how to communicate in insults and arguing.
im 18, im supposed to be in college, i cant afford it. i dont know what to do. do i apply to a college abroad? would they take me with my weak passport? my father died in august 2022, things went downhill from there, she became more bitter, she became harsh, and while i understood at first, it is taking a toll on me and i cant take it anymore.
she now torments me for the smallest of things.. like one time i came back from the gym, poured a cup of water, then poured another cup of water because i was thirsty and i had finished my water at the gym. she yells “who drinks like that!!? drink like a normal human.” and while that seems like just a minor inconvenience, the issue is it happens with every small action i make, over and over, daily, every single muscle i move, she has a negative comment about, and that was when i told her to just give me a fucking break.
how about that one time when i was 15, i came out to her about the fact that i was raped as a child, and couldnt say anything because of the extreme fear, and as any normal mother does, she had zero empathy and her eyes and just said “well why didnt you defend yourself?”. im not going to say how that made me feel. im just going to let you guess.
today i came back from friday prayer and got the car washed like she asked, she sees i came home wearing the home sandals instead of the main sandals i wear to go out, both normal sandals, but one is plastic sort of like a croc. she glares at me, raises her voice and says “is this what you wear to friday prayers? wont you dress like a normal person?” implying people were going to stare at my sandals which are taken off during prayers and judge me. i just cant. and when i told her i couldnt find my main sandals and was in a hurry, she said “fucking look for them, i put them right here in this drawer, use your head.”
when i forget small things she mentions, she gets pissed and talks to me in that same tone she always does, and that same glare, even though she knows im riddled with ADHD, but she doesnt care enough to learn a single thing about her son’s mental health problems, not the ADHD, not the BPD, not the chronic depression, all of which im not being treated for, and all of which i have been diagnosed with, all of which she was told and warned about.
did i mention, this one time? i had an insane tooth infection, the right side of my face was VERY swollen for days, i was in the worst pain of my life, i was terrified, and having already experienced an extreme panic disorder and health anxiety, god knows i was afraid of sepsis, and when my blood test results came back and i saw my white blood cell count was high, god forbid.. i panicked. i couldnt control it. i wanted to go back to the dentist, just to let him look at the report and tell me im okay, which was for free, in a dentist that was very close to my home, she didnt like that. she didnt like that i was riddled with health anxiety after spending 30+ minutes on top of my dad’s dead body trying to revive him, she couldnt accept that i had been traumatized. she kicks me out. so here i am, on the streets, face swollen, sleeping and shitting on the street with a fever and diarrhea, wiping my ass with pieces of cardboard, hoping to god nothing bad happens to me because that infection was sucking the power out of me.
she wants me to provide, im trying to provide, im trying to pay her back for the money she spent on me ever since i turned 18, but i JUST got qualified legally for work, and im JUST now able to even look for work, yet she has been shaming me for it before i was legal. so for now, until i find a job, im getting money from my ex, which im not so proud of, but so far i sent her 300 dollars hoping she shuts up, and 300$ is a good amount in my country. but she questions how i got that money, she thinks im selling my body for it. which honestly, im very willing to do at this point, i have a nice body and even though males are not as valuabe in that field, if it makes me money until a place im applying at accepts me, i dont have any morals and i’ll happily do it.
about the money she spent on me, usually food, and gym subscriptions, and an amount of money she spent to get me my driver’s license (which was in her best interest, by the way), did you know that i got nothing of my father’s inheritance? she took it all, no, i didnt even look at it, i didnt ask for it, and she sometimes even reminds me that i didnt deserve it, even though i never fucking had it, and it was a GOOD portion of the inheritance too.
and by the time i was 18, she claimed i blew all my side of the money on going to the fucking psychiatrist to stop me from killing myself, and gym memberships, she loves to talk about some “legally you owe me”, but arent you supposed to spend that much until im 18? legally speaking, since we wanna go that way. legally speaking, dont you OWE me that money? i didnt spend any of it, YOU did, and you’re way more happy to let me drive 140kms to get you packs of cigarettes that are cheaper that arent being sold here, spending a shit ton of gas money, every two weeks, rather than letting me see my girl who by the way offers to pay for any inconvenience for her because she knows how my mother is. but no, its not just the money that bugs her, 25 minute drive to see my girl is too much, but a 2 hour round trip just to spend more money on cigs isnt, right? no, she doesnt want me to be happy, she KNOWS she doesnt pay anything out of her own pockets when i go see my lady, she KNOWS seeing her gets me out of that depressed state, but she doesnt want me to, and when the money excuse gets old, she says “maybe 6 months ago i would have been happy for you, but you simply ruined it, your actions did this”.
actions, she says, or basically, my lack of action, yes mother, im terribly sorry i was born in a country that will not allow me to work until a month ago, im sorry that i couldnt apply to college because i cant afford it, and because i knew nothing about life, lived in the middle of nowhere my whole life and didnt start learning how the world works until i turned 17. you didnt teach my how to ride a bike, you didnt teach me how to defend myself, you didnt teach me how to speak english, you didnt teach me how to fucking swim, you didnt introduce me to any physical activity and fucking locked me at home my entire childhood, with just internet access, until i became overweight as a child, and until i took matters into my own hands and changed that. and guess what? my other two sisters? 9 and 16, one is overweight and the other is OBESE since she was a child. great fucking parenting, leaving a 9 year old glued to an ipad because you never knew how to be a mother. and when i tried to take matters into my own hands and restrict the 9 year old from spending 12 hours plus a day on the ipad doing god knows what with god knows who, so she can have real fucking friends, real life fucking experiences, “give it back. im her mother, not you”. well you’re the reason she’s fat, you’re the reason we all got bullied. maybe introduce the poor kid to a fucking sport? fuck.
and guess what? i kind of hated my dad too. he always called me useless, always had that same fucking stare in his eyes, always yelled at me to shut up and be a man if i ever cried as a kid, so much so that i WISH he beat me, i wish they beat me as a child rather than getting neglected, after my face got swollen at 5 years old from being slapped hard by him in a barbershop, they were too scared to do anything else because of the consequences it would cause them. so they decided to neglect. i wish you fucking taught me how to fight, i see all these dads teaching their boys how to defend themselves and you never taught me how to throw a punch, i had to do it all myself, i had to workout myself, i had to fill that lack of sense of masculinity up by getting as big and scary as possible, i had to teach myself how to not be a fat slob like you taught me anymore, because guess what? they were both fat slobs themselves, no fucking wonder they didnt know how to show their kids healthy habits.
if you think that these stories are just minor inconveniences, i agree with you, but imagine it happening every single day, every single second you’re at home, for years, it slowly builds up and becomes unbearable.

I recently transitioned from low-contact (very-low-contact) to full no-contact with my toxic parent. However, they do have my house address, where I live with my spouse and small children. This makes me very uncomfortable to even think about the what-ifs. Anything from receiving potentially unwelcome postal mail in the near-to-distant future, to possible unannounced visits (or in-person confrontations), up to and including the (non-zero) potential for actual physical retaliation.
I’ve read from other posts to not open door // get door cam // call police for trespassing etc. if they don’t leave and to “Return to Sender: Not at this address” any and all sent packages using different handwriting. However, I also read some advice to just not answer door (or call police) to avoid causing drama, which is what some toxic parents actually thrive on (making a scene). Some posts even advised not sending back postal mail because that would acknowledge receipt and effectively reward the toxic parent with a response.
Besides moving (not an option in foreseeable future due to work), do I have ANY other options for peace of mind? I already have a home security system, door cam, curtains/blinds, etc. but still don’t feel safe from a psychological perspective. It’s almost like going full no-contact made me ironically feel worse instead of better due to fear of all the potential what-ifs associated with my home address.
Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Long story short, I (42F) left Christianity in my early twenties. I live in Canada (QC) where religion is not as intertwined in society as it is in the US but I've started to see new churches rise that are more imposing. This is a new phenomenon in my town in the last 5 years. It worries me.
My husband and I have 2 kids that we raise to be critical thinkers and respectful citizens. It's not always easy answering their questions but they get that religion is not a reliable path to truth.
Yesterday, I went to the grocery store with my boy. At the register, volunteers were packing purchases to help raise money for low income families so they can receive a free backpack and school supplies for the next school year. Wonderful cause I thought !
I didn't have any cash on me and I cannot use a credit card to donate so they ask that I make a donation online. I said that of course I will. They gave me a card with their contact info and I went home.
When I came to make the e-transfer, I noticed that their address is to one of those new hard core churches. Their signs at the grocery store didn't mention the church nor did they told me verbally. Now I feel like they lured me in making a donation to their church. What will they truly do with the money ? Will it all go to kids/families in need ?
I feel like a fool. I should have seen this coming. Now my kids are asking me what I will do. Not donate and walk back on my word or donate to their church ? My husband suggested I give the money to a charity of our choosing instead. Maybe ? Should I write to the grocery store owner ? Should I write to the church and explain why I won't donate ?
Do you have other suggestions ?

I’m not kidding, I’ll write anything. I simply do not care anymore. Do you think you have talent? Do you think you don’t? Doesn’t matter, I’ll write that erotica anyway. I’ll lie all the way to the moon for a politician and paint you a god instead of a nobody with money. Just please give me money, I am begging you.
Now, I see you may be wondering, why hire me, an uneducated sad little man living alone in a trailer park after his wife kicked him out of his own house. Why not hire Phil instead? He’s a lawyer, he knows how to write, doesn’t he? And he sure does make a lot of money, haha. I will have to point out, however, that the fact is that his chiseled jawline and dreamy eyes really do not make up for a ridiculous lack of intelligence — seriously, Imma murder that sonbitch and he doesn’t even see it coming. Acts all nice like, “We’re all friends here, please put down the pencil”, as if I couldn’t see through his handsome facade and light blue eyes alight like the sea on a summer’s day. Guy can’t count to ten to save his life without first taking a break to bang my whore of a wife!
Now, I hope you understand my situation. I’ve been in love with her since I was only a child — without the addition of man-. When you love someone so much for such a long time, eventually you start to forget what it’s like without them — then it hits you in the face. Every time I was accused of plagiarism, racism, sexism, xenophobism, disdain for truthfulness, and general vileness of character, she was always there to be disappointed. She waited on me coming home just to tell me how much she pitied me, how sorry she felt that I of all people was forced to be alive when so many good ones died for nothing. She was my rock, my reef in a turbulent sea and I miss her like deserts miss the rain.
Anyway, your money will go towards a good cause, the best cause imaginable. I will win her back if it takes all my remaining sanity. If all else fails, at the least I can buy a revolver and live out my childhood dream of recreating the opening of Shawshank Redemption for real this time.
Thanks in advance, kind people, you are my last remaining hope and hold onto this cruel reality. Cheers!

My mother had been ill for my entire life. Lots of chronic illness and things they couldn't quite pin down to an exact cause, but were nonetheless there. She had cancer twice in my life, and that was the easy stuff compared to this. My parents didn't get along and were separated. When I was around 10~ she made a deal with my dad. She would get back with him on the condition he helped raise my sister and I.
Well, to say the least, he was still a pretty shitty person. I don't think he has a bad heart, but he certainly is not upto the task of taking care of other human beings. Taking care of my mother essentially got sicced off to my sister and I. She would have grand-mal seizures, blood pool in her legs and come out off blisters that would develop all black, have these weird age regression episodes and all sorts of other medical disasters. She was extremely narcoleptic between when I was about 10 and 16 (this is when she had the regression things too). She also had a rare condition called Addison's which means she couldn't really control her emotional responses and didn't produce the proper hormones. So when my dad would be a dick it'd put her into shock and she'd start turning blue. When this happened you'd have to give her a solu-cortef emergency injection to bring her back into a state of not dying from shock.
My dad was of course clueless and left this all up to my sister and I when we were adolescents, pre-teens and teenagers. I had severe social anxiety my entire life and stunted social development. My mom advocated to put me into home-school after 7th grade since she thought I might do something drastic. I was in home school until we moved to be with my dad as well because of it. She was always my strongest advocate and understood me like no one else on the planet did.
Anyways, to continue her little story. I got sent off to a specialty clinic thousands of miles away with her. Just her and I no one else when I was 14. I lived in a hotel for about a year and then in an apartment near the clinic after that for another year with her. Taking care of her when she could barely move. There was a good half dozen times she was on the brink of death and we barely scrapped by. There was times her heart literally stopped or she completely ceased breathing only to be resuscitated. She would forget who I was for days at a time and regress to being a teenager. She would think I was her brother who molested her when she was little and get moderately violent or irritable towards me (understandably, from her perspective. I do not hold it against her at all). In her times of lucidity she begged me to return to my home with my father. She forced me since she thought she'd really hurt me and my bestfriends father (not even my own father) drove all the way down and picked me up. He drove me thousands of miles all the way back. My dad sent my sister out to take care of her instead for the last year (of 3 she spent down there).
Well, eventually she and my sister came back. I started working at 16 pretty much right after I got home because university was certainly not in the cards economically anymore. When they returned my mom was functional enough to live somewhat normally. She was permanently immune-compromised and prone to fatigue so she was really in no state to work or anything of that sort, but my dad essentially forced her to start working after a few years. He refused to help fix her car (which had just been sitting in the garage rotting away while she had been sick all this time) and would get rough with my sister and I. This would upset my mom so much every-time that she would need her emergency injection or go into seizures. Sometimes he would pin her down or push her down and I would have to fight him off of her and this would make him more and more upset.
My sister left and ex-communicated him. So it was just my mom and I. She secretly stashed away some of her money and came up with a little plot to escape from my dad. Hired a traveling mechanic to fix her car, got extra money from her brother who she barely talked to in years because of history from their childhood. It was a whole situation. She was working in home care for elderly people and turns out one of my dad's childhood friends was on disability. So she took him in so she could take care of him in the comfort of our own home. Less stress, easier, etc.... My dad was naturally pissed for reasons only god knows for her being able to fix her car.
Anyways she finally had enough money. Her and chuck hatched an idea that she takes care of him, she gets paid, and I help with the rest of the apartment cost. I chose last second to stay with my dad. The rationale was I've seen my father have suicidal episodes and knew he was deeply troubled and not fit for the world. He is very old fashioned, only worked for his family, retired at 44 (and then went destitute because the medical debt). I mean this dude can not use a phone to save his life.... He has never written a resume because he never had to. He alienates everyone he has ever known because his ego does not match his status because of our families legacy. He thinks he is some brilliant person that knows all and is infallible no matter what. If you even challenge him he gets violently upset and angry. BUT I still was worried about him. So I stayed with him because I knew he'd be screwed alone.
My mother is much smarter than him.... So I thought she'd be okay with the situation. She was still Ill but I think I was blind to it. Having experienced it my entire life..... So I didn't go with her. Because of her fragile constitution even before she left she had a hip that had broken (and fused back together, without her even knowing), several broken ribs that had done the same, broken knee and a collapsed lung. She also got / had constant shingles because her immune system just couldn't stop it.
Anywho. My mom had been having a rough time after 5 or so months... Seemed the guy she was taking care of was running her super ragged and she was getting super worn down. Due to my stunted development I couldn't drive and my dad was no help there either. He just cash cowed me for my work money like he did to my mother. I was trying to save for a car and driving classes (I'm 24) so I could get a car and visit my mom and help her.
I finally had the resolve... enough of my dad... to admit to her that I should have gone with her. We decided I'd get a car and we would move in together just her and I. Go someplace far away and the rest would be history. She was going to be fine. I was going to be fine. I missed her dearly. When she was gone for 10 months I only saw her face twice when she dropped by. She would hug me and tell me how much she loved and misses me. She absolutely didn't want to see my dads face so I couldn't get him to bring me to where she lived. She didn't want him to know where she was in general.
She was dead less than 48 hours after we had that phone call. She overdosed on her pain medication she had taken for 20+ years while in the ICU (she was in the ICU a lot). The last person she talked to was my grandmother saying she felt like she couldn't breathe and is suffocating. I think it was an accident but I'll never know.
I know the guy she was taking care of was abusing her and that is when I decided that we should move in together. About a week before she died he shit on her carpet and would drag a bunch of homeless people into their apartment and do drugs while she was in the hospital. She kept putting him into rehab and he kept just leaving and coming back. It turns out he fakes a lot of his disability so the government helps him and so he can push people around and is just a drug addict asshole. Last conversation I ever had with her was like 36 hours before she died she asked to borrow money for her phone bill. I of course gave it to her.
After she died and we got the news, by the time we got to her apartment for her belongings everything was taken. Her safe was broken into. The entire place was desecrated and destroyed and looted. Her phone, cards, wallet, purse, car... everything gone. Luckily they left most of the sentimental stuff. There was only 2 people that could have robbed her and the police just kinda don't care.
My dad has been heartless about the whole thing. He doesn't seem to care that much and has been pushing me around harder than ever. Asking me for super large rent payments to live in his house when I told him I need to get a car. It's like he wants me to be imprisoned to him like he imprisoned my mother. Since if I leave he will be absolutely alone. I pay for anything he asks me to already. Thousands of dollars. I didn't mind helping.
I hurt so much inside, since if I went with my mom... chances are she would still be alive right now. She wouldn't have to stress herself nearly as bad ending up in the ICU... getting out and going back to work and repeating. She was always so sick her ending up in the ICU didn't even set off my mental alarms. I would have never known she was so close to death.
She was truly the closest person to me in the entire world. Not a single person was ever more important to me. She made me who I am. She was the only person I saw as not only my parent but an emotional confident. She advocated for me my entire life. She understood me. She in spite of all her own trouble was my rock and my comfort. I loved her with all my heart and I grieve her loss with that and more.
I fear for all the times only her and I shared. Only I have those memories now. I worry about the slow sands of time warping my memories and thoughts. I can never ask her "is that how you remember that". I can never ask her what she thinks of something or for her wisdom. So much of my life just with her it's like it never existed since it only exists within me now. I can never be assured the voice in my head matches her voice in life. I can never be sure she didn't die in loneliness because I didn't make a good enough effort to visit her by my own means.
She was only 48. The idea I'll have lived exactly half my life without her when I reach her age is scary to me. Even more frightening yet is the idea that once I'm old I'll have lived only a fraction of my life with her. She will fade in my memory into the distant past; a nostalgia. I fear becoming someone she wouldn't recognize. I fear every day I have to continue to live without her. When I see the blue skies I think about how it's a blue sky she will never have seen. When I see a TV show I think she would have liked it hurts me to think that I'll never know for sure. It devastates me all the questions I didn't ask her that I'll never know the answer to. What flowers did you enjoy mom?
I wish I would have been less frugal and done more for holidays and her birthday. I so desperately wish for even one hour to talk to her about all this in a final parting.
And what makes me feel just a little better? She had mostly online friends. A self proclaimed recluse. She was very much like me and shy herself. Introverted and just interested in what she was interested in without a care in the world. A lot of her friends have messaged me and other people from throughout our lives telling me how much I resemble her. Not only her physical likeness but in personality. She of course would say this to me herself when she was alive. It comforts me in a weird way to know that I'm so much like her, that I am truly in every way her son, that if I like or dislike something I can say with some confidence she probably feels the same. In a way I feel like I can really experience the things she wanted to do for her. This is the only thing that drives me forward right now. I had been incredibly suicidal until I made this realization.
It also comforts me to know how much people cared for her even when she was in her own world away from the world. When people tell me I have her kind heart and gentle soul I realize that those are qualities they saw in her and respected. And I feel great pride that people would see her in me because I loved her so dearly.
Finding meaning without the person you cared for more than anything is truly a Sisyphean task.
Love you forever and ever mom, I'll never forget you. I'll forever be your little pessimist!

Story time..
I met this girl at her job a few months ago (she's a bartender) and I felt she was really cute and has this bubbly personality that is very contagious. That's biggest reason why I started subtly flirting with her on this night. That same night I got her information and we started texting on IG. IG dming went well and she gave me her number on her own some days later when she felt comfortable. When we hung out for the first time, we immediately hit it off. We always had fun with what ever we did, she would even come over and hang out at my place after our first few times out. The first time we hooked up was nice. It was just us, in that moment. Sex is sex but eventually after our first initial time, it felt like it was becoming more & more romantic. She would always ask me these random questions though that would give her reassurance about us. So come recently, after we stopped and laid down, we continued kissing and minutes later, had a very in depth conversation. She's the one that told me after sex and the passionate kiss we shared, that she felt like she was falling in love with me. I was very surprised that she said that. I wasn't ready for that kind of statement and she asked me if I felt the same. (I was slowly starting to feel that way as well.) So I just said "mhm" and shook my head and kissed her forehead.
Fast forward after that, (this happened almost a week ago now.) I haven't seen her in a couple days after our talk in bed. I get a phone call from her while I'm closing up at work. I start talking to her on the phone and she's asking me when I get off, I tell her an hour from then because I'm pretty busy with closing work. She's telling me she really wants to see me, and that she's sad. So I ask her why she's sad and she gives me this really vague reason (I hear her friend in the back ground) and her friend takes over the phone and said basically she's sad, had a bad night, was crying and that I'm the only one that makes her feel comfortable and makes her really happy. So I say "Okay. Well I'll be there soon after I finish up." I continue working and ended up missing a phone call from her 30 minutes later and didn't realize it until I met her in person. (Eager for me to see her I guess.) She likes to hang out at her job every now and then so that's where we went. I'm walking in the parking lot making my way inside and I see her friend. Her friend is sitting in her car with her door open and waves me over and says: "Hey, so she's drunk and I don't know how much longer I can do this with her, essentially she went out with this guy tonight at the movies and he belittled her and said demeaning things after the movie which proceeded to make her cry. I don't know why she uses men to cope with her feelings and that aggravates me. But you're a good guy and anyway, she's inside and she's really drunk and wants to take her anger out, maybe you could calm her down?" I sighed and knew exactly what I was getting myself into. It had been a long night for me already and didn't want to do this, but I went inside to the first place I met this girl at.
This moment on is where things get bad...
She was hanging out with people and some I noticed were regulars. (I, myself at this point am a regular as well) So she sees me and comes and gives me a hug from behind while I'm ordering my drink from the bar. Over the course of the night, things were going okay. We start talking at the bar and eventually came to the decision to play pool 1 on 1 together to help calm her mind and that way we would continue talking to catch up. Pool was one of the first things we did when we met, turns out she was good at it. As we're playing pool, this regular guy, i'll call him Alex. Alex approaches us, (and she's still very intoxicated by the way.) Alex also plays pool. So hes watching as we're playing, she's very close to him at one point and he's very close to her and towards the end of the game that we're playing, they kissed infront of me. Like wow wtf. Not cool at all, I lose my cool later and told her about it. And now that I think about it, I should've asked Alex for space/privacy for us while she & I talked.
Anyway, we went back to my car and we're talking in private now after me seeing this BS. I'm buzzed at this point. Not fully drunk but the liquor is hitting me. She says apparently before I got there that she and Alex had already made out. She didn't really know that until someone told her what she did. Tells me she didn't remember doing that beforehand and said she regretted it and apologized to me. Okay, whatever, but I'm not that person to let that kind of thing pass or slide without saying anything. That's why I brought her to the car to talk. We went back to my apartment to continue talking after I sobered up a bit.
So now we're in bed and speaking on this topic of other people, and she tells me about this guy that's a childhood friend of hers
(We'll call him Jacob.)
I'm cutting straight to the point and asking the important questions about if they have anything going on that I should know about after she completely ruined my trust infront of me with some other guy. So she says yes, sort of. He's a friend. I pry a bit and ask with benefits? She says yes, basically. Also proceeds to mention that he already knows about me and now I know about him. She says that she likes him a bit but mentions she likes me a lot more. He's from out of town. Her home town actually. Almost an hour away, and proceeds to mention that he lives with her dad and is taking care of him. I'm hurt by this information, but I appreciate the communication & honesty. So I just tell her okay and remind her that she's the only person I'm seeing at this time. (My last relationship was 6 months ago so I'm trying to get back out there.)
After all of this happens, another day passes. We text and she says she's working, as was I when I sent the message. It was a bit slow at my job. So I was bored and decided to ask her how it's going and don't get a reply, so I assumed she's busy. Still no text back but I popped up on her that night after work with a coworker who's a really good buddy of mine. Since he's the one that introduced me to the place, I figured I'd bring him as well. I had already planned and anticipated on seeing her when I got off anyway.
She sees me walk in and smiles ear to ear. She makes her way over and rubs my arm and asks me how I am, how work was and what I want to drink. I didn't really want to get drunk or anything after the other night that we had, so I got something light. I get the drink and talk to my buddy. Time goes on and we begin whispering and talking lightly. I tell him I see a guy at the bar that MAJORLY has her attention and vice versa. I'm glimpsing his way every now and then just to get a look at him. He has the same style as I do. There were times when I would see out of the corner of my eye, that he's just blatantly staring me down as I'm talking to people.
Over the course of the night, she's kind of making her way back and forth to me and him and is kissing on me and stuff like that while we were outside & away from the guy. She typically didnt do that kind of stuff while she's working so I asked if she was drunk because her demeanor changes a bit and I can pick up on that from her easily. So she says yes, she's kind of drunk and told me that she snuck her own liquor in and started drinking it. I said alright then. And think to myself that there's not much I can do at this point to stop her from drinking too much because shes already drunk. But I then proceeded to ask if she wanted to hang out at my place afterwards while we were talking outside. She gave me this half-ass yes style answer. We always go home to my place to hang out after she gets off work, and I've helped her close a handful of times before. And now that we've made our way inside with our conversation, we walk to the other end of the bar, away from but still infront of the guy. She's like "well, what time do you work tomorrow, is it early again?" I said "no, that was only a special occasion, remember? It's normal hours this time. So we don't have to wakeup early." Neither one of us are early birds. She says she can't come because I work tomorrow. I'm genuinely confused and say "What? That's never stopped us in the past. We always sleep in before I leave for work." She says "...okay, I'm going back to (insert hometown) tonight for 2 days." We look at each other for a couple seconds. She says "...you don't want me to go?" So I put 2 & 2 together and didn't want to assume anything just yet. About 15 minutes pass and my thoughts are killing me. I asked her to step aside in private for a minute and asked who that was sitting at the bar. She says that was the guy she told me about the other night. Jacob. My heart sank. He knows about me. I know about him. Now it was all hitting me at once and it all made sense in my head. He came to town.
My buddy is still there, so I make my way over to him after I had that conversation with her and he's killing it at this arcade game that he's playing with a bunch of people. I go over and watch. The only people behind us are she and him at the bar. I'm watching the game being played, but for a second, I glance back and see them kissing. I had seen enough at that point. I'm ready to go but my buddy isn't. I go outside. A little while later and everyone is closing out. Jacob is helping her do closing duties. Me and the other guys, including my friend are all outside talking. 45 minutes go by and the other guys with us leave the area for a sec and I look at my friend and ask, "..did you see that?" He says "no, what?" I said "she was kissing that guy in there, the one I had a feeling about." He was shocked. A couple more minutes later, Jacob walks out, holds the door open for her and she walks right past me. She goes to get in the car with him. My friend is standing there and he looks at me and whispers "dude, I love you.. I'm so sorry." As soon as he says that, I see her from around the corner of the pillar my friend is leaning on and I tell him to pause a sec. She makes her way over back to me and looks at me and says "I feel like such a butt hole.." I just looked back at her in the eyes and shook my head. She walks away and repeats it again and leaves with him and texts me the next day trying to continue the conversation we had prior to me popping up at her job. Like everything was okay. I couldn't believe the audacity of that so I never replied. Yesterday she texts me again saying something about a shirt. I text her back and make it to the point in a paragraph explaining how I feel.
Me: "Hey, so it's been on my mind these past couple of days and I'd much rather tell you this in person, but I think it would be best just at this time for me to back away for a little while. Because I feel it's clear that we want two different things, and don't get me wrong, I like you. But I feel like it's the right thing for me right now, for my peace."
Her: "You don't wanna hang out any more?"
Her next message shortly after: "I need a little time after my relationship and I am sorry but I do like hanging out with you"
(Granted, she just got out of a relationship. An abusive one. We discussed it in person)
Me: "I do understand that reasoning, but to answer your question, yes. I'm sorry."
"Okay" is what I got back as the final text.
I got home from work last night 30 minutes after that short string of messages and my eyes start watering. I'm getting out of my work clothes and begin to put my stuff away to get ready for bed. I see some of her jewelry and shades on my night stand and couldnt hold it in, I lost it. I broke down. We were supposed to hang out tonight and go on our first official, real date tomorrow.
I don't know if I made the right decision with how I went about doing this, I'm very conflicted and I know I can't go back on my word now. This is the first time I've came to Reddit for something at all but I seriously need help, and a second opinion on this situation. Thank you guys so much for reading this far into my f'd up situation.

We've been together 5 months but have known each other for almost our entire lives.
Some context: I'm a full-time student and spend much of my day reading and doing homework. I watch his dogs when he's out for the day, which is literally 7-7.
Our most recent fight that ended in a "breakup" was that I didn't call my grandparents at the time I texted him saying I would, and instead called them an hour later because I got caught up with homework. He reminded me after he got home and smoked. Now I've been sick the past week and wanted to make sure I was better, and initially planned on waiting one more day to see them, but when my grandmother picked up the phone she seemed very cheery and invited me over to dinner, to which I then asked if I could bring my boyfriend, and she said yes. Well after I asked him, he completely lost it and started yelling at me saying how he just smoked and now he can't see them and how I planned this and did it on purpose. This triggered my fight or flight, so I left and had a full blown panic attack from this.
I didn't text him for most of the night because I was very upset by the way he spoke to me and the accusations he made that were completely false. He did try to call me, but I wasn't ready to speak yet. Then he calls me at like 10 pm asking me to pick up my stuff. My heart starts pounding again. Because am I not allowed to feel upset and take time to myself?
We had a long, and extremely difficult conversation that seemed very one way to me. Every time I tried to speak up for myself for what I knew to be true, he would flat out reject it. Forcing me to admit something I couldn't. Although I did understand his perspective eventually- he was upset because he knows how much my grandparents mean to me and would have loved to see them, but because of my "poor planning" of calling them an hour later, I deserved this explosive reaction. He "broke up" with me, then once again, my fight or flight is back. I beg profusely to stay together, he eventually caves.
Fast forward to last night. I was feeling upset again because this is the third time he's threatened to leave me. He says he does it because it's the only way I'll "listen." I just feel like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don't feel safe expressing myself, but I love him so much it hurts. I feel like I can't do anything right. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been here before. I don't know how to move forward. Despite us only dating 5 months, he's talked about proposing, wanting kids, and he also just bought a house with our future family in mind.
There's so much that has happened the past week. I feel sick. I've hardly been eating. I feel totally unstable and heartbroken.
tl;dr boyfriend is highly critical of me but gets upset when I'm upset by the things he does

The mta has recently, and almost completely by now, rolled out their OMNI pay system. It's an inconvenience for many, as they most often must pay directly from a checking account or use an "omni-card" that's loaded from your bank account.
I feel the main reason for this change, is the fact that especially in the last 15 years of metrocard's run, bums and assorted criminal types were hustling metrocards and most of them were empty and people got scammed.
Now the Mta just had to do something about the bums making themselves at home in the stations

I travel pretty continually for my job. Basically, every other week I am on the road in a different American city. I see hotels at least twice as much as my own house.
Life on the road is pretty cool, I am very thankful that I have a job that is going really well and that company pays for me to stay at nice places, have nice meals, and all that. But one side effect that I've learned through all this is that it makes having a dating life virtually impossible.
When I am at home, it's difficult to make anything happen as far as dates mostly because of scheduling. Whenever anyone is free, I'm traveling and not home. And when women realize how much I am gone, they seem to discount me because I won't be available much.
While traveling, it's the same sort of situation. When I hit it off with someone at some event or maybe at a bar, they realize that I'm only in town for a week or so and then they kind of shut it down when they know I'm just passing through.
I've tried dating and hookup apps of course, but those have more or less turned into a sausage party wasteland where I feel like it's laughably unrealistic to expect anything other than an amusing human slot machine.
I see a therapist off and on to try to keep my head on straight and she suggested kind of a different option recently. She was talking about the scene in Fight Club where they meet on the plane and they briefly consider themselves "single serve friends." She said maybe find a way to have "single serve girlfriends." Not necessarily for a one night stand or anything, but just to have someone to hang with and share life with briefly for one night as a way to temporarily have some companionship and intimacy until my next chapter of life where I'm not on the road so much.
Thing is, I have no idea how to find that. I don't think I've met any women who would realistically be okay with that.
TLDR - Does anyone have any advice on how to approach my situation? Is there realistically any chance that I can find anyone who wants to build anything given my scheduling? Is finding a "single serve" date realistic? How would I best approach someone for that?
Any advice at all is appreciated, thank you!

We have been seeing this discussion a lot this week since Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker made a commencement speech at a CATHOLIC university saying it is good to be a tradwife and even encouraged it. Here is what I am talking about for those out of the loop:
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/harrison-butker-kansas-city-chiefs-backlash-benedictine-college-speech-rcna152433
I'm not religious, but I think it is good to be a tradwife. However, I also think it's good to be able to choose to be one. For someone reason, his commencement speech struck such a nerve for a lot of women and I find it very amusing. We live in a world where being a "progressive" is dominant in our culture, which includes mainstream media, academica, Fortune 500 companies, Hollywood, etc. The establishment supports women going to get careers and being a strong independent women. Since the "establishment" supports this, when a women says "You know what ? I like being a tradwife. I want to stay at home, have babies, cook for my husband everyday, etc.". This is punk rock in the loose sense because this attitude is going against the modernt establishment opinion. It's a middle finger to progressivism and I like it. Harrison Butker really struck a nerve to so many progressives and even the NFL said "we don't agree with him". In general, going against the establishment grain is "punk rock".
Now a lot of you say that no, being left wing and progressive is punk rock and I'm not here to make that argument. To me being punk rock is going against the mainstream and criticizing the establishment opinion. If you disagree with my definition, then replace "punk rock" with something else. Don't be in denial, progressivism (or whatever you want to call it) is the establishment's state right now.
I see girls on TikTok, Youtube, etc that like being trad wifes and they look so much damn happier. Men who have tradwives are so lucky. To the smug leftists/liberal/progressive Redditor male reading this right now: if a beautiful blonde hair 10/10 blued woman came up to you and said "I'm in love with you and want to marry you and have a bunch of babies, but under the condition that I am a tradwife". I bet you would change your viewpoint real damn fast dude. No, seriously, I bet even the most smug progressive soy boy Redditor would love a beautiful trad wife. Come on, don't lie, lol. People criticize tradwifes because it goes against mainstream progressivism. It's not "trendy", lol.
Anyway, rant over. You can be whatever you want ladies, but if a woman wants to be a tradwife, I don't know why you all get offended by that. You all seriously get offended about it for some reason, lol. Every women political commentator is so mad at Butker for some reason and I find it amusing. All the women on these mainstream shows are so angry about it, lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4syRnq9O38

My wife has had a series of bad spinal surgeries, the last one a year and a half ago left her barley able to walk as well as the loss of function in her right hand. She was given temporary in home care, she was assigned to 24hour HomeCare, she managed to get it extended twice, and I began working for 24Hour last March, this allowed me to not and stay at home with her. She literally needs assistance to do everything.
The problem is we moved and had to switch county’s for her medical, and she’s having another surgery in a month. So she’s not only trying to reset up her healthcare, we need to get her set up with IHSS for long term assistance, but I’m trying to find out how hard it is to get assigned as her caregiver. I’m a clinical applications specialist for medical device companies and make way more doing that but she needs a lot of help and we don’t trust anyone else.
Where would I find the requirements for becoming her care giver, and what’s that process consist of, and where would we find the process for her to get approval?
Thank you

Hello Reddit, I never thought I’d be making this post, but things have reached a boiling point and I really need advice. My step-father (49M) has been in my (18F) life ever since I was a kid. He’s done everything for me, advocated for me, got me out of the projects into suburban schools, cared for me, gotten everything I could I ever want. But ever since I was a teenager he was acting different—I know dads do this, become more overbearing, helicopter-like.
I am the eldest and designated “problem child” for the following: I struggled so much in a math class to the point of failing and lied to my parents. This set off the course of events for years. I feel so much regret and shame at my cowardice—and I’ve apologized numerous times.
Not to mention, I had a boyfriend in middle school—for two weeks and came out as gay. And I was displaying sexual behavior, like talking about crushes with my girlfriends and saying the “type” of men I like.
So for all of you, it might explain his behavior. I haven’t been perfect. I’ve been callous, hot headed, anxious, and displayed very little emotional control at many points.
He stalked my every move, monitored every message I ever sent friends. I know he’s had bugs installed in my phone, paid people to stalk me, had a report on every keystroke I made. If there were any boys, they were to be vetted as well—if they were gay I was berated and forbidden to speak to them for years. I once sent a racy meme about “cock and ball torture” when I was 12, and I got caught at 14. They banned me from speaking to all my friends. This was in 2020, and I was left virtually friendless and alone.
I was never allowed to speak against this as a child. I was a very depressed and anxious teenager and I attempted twice. I never told my father this however, because any mention of depression or suicidal thoughts makes him angry to the point of violence. He saw “evidence” as I’m calling it once and he took knives and tried to cut me—yelling that he will take my life if I wanted to. This and many other reasons is why I am not that close with him to this day.
Today, he came into my room kissing me on my neck. Like one would do with a baby, that’s not what I had a problem with. I had thought he mumbled in a baby voice “This will turn you on won’t it?” While making vroom vroom car noises. I freaked out because I won’t let THAT fly even if we are playing. My father is not a pedophile, he’s very vulgar and touchy with me especially now as an adult. This was along the lines of something he would say. I shot up shaking my head and stormed away mumbling “I am not having this or doing this.”
My father got very angry, and told me to come here and tell him why, “It made me uncomfortable, and I did not like it.”
This set him off. He started yelling and screaming, pushing against floors, tables, throwing pots and pans, remotes, water bottles anything at me. When I froze and didn’t react, he just kept going. He was slapping me, punching me, hitting me with objects. This beat down lasted for two hours, but the screaming and threats didn’t stop until 7 AM. He threatened to kill me multiple times, kick me out, beat me in front of my family, also to keep me home and do online.
He revealed that he’d been stalking me for 8 months. Recording my every move. Every thing I’ve said in my dorm. In class. Outside my dorm. He showed receipts of him paying people to stalk me. Showed how he bugged my phone.
For added context, I recently got a boyfriend (19M) and he apparently forbade me from them. Though I say he forbade me from sex. Now, he says my mind is tainted from all the sex I’ve been having (For the record, I’ve been intimate with him, but I am still a virgin. Which my father does not believe because of the ‘look in my eye’). I’ve kept him up to date with everything including private intimate details about my life. I mean really intimate. The only things I hadn’t told him were the frequency and when. He demanded to know that night—to see if I am willing to lie.
That meant he’d been recording our intimate encounters, IN FULL! To see if I’d lie! At this point, I’m like WTF?!?!?? We had a long talk about every detail, in which I was shamed, spat at, and treated with vitriol. He said I was bringing shame to the family, himself, and to myself as a woman.
I’m an Honor Student, 3.9 GPA, already accepted into grad school and TWO leadership positions? But I’m shameful? But he doesn’t care about that, I’m not pure and innocent in the way that matters—and I feel so sorry and embarrassed.
My shock and anger dissipated into this overwhelming feeling of shame. Guilt.
I understand no person wants to be called a pedophile, but I wasn’t insinuating that. I said that an action he did made me uncomfortable. He’d provided for me, cared for me when my biological father wouldn’t, have me the best chance in life. And I am squandering it. He points out times when I painted him in a bad light to my friends as a kid, or a few years ago when I was joking and exaggerating with this boy that I didn’t have a bed to sleep on and my dad was making me walk in the hot sun with no water. Most of that was untrue, he was getting a bed and I could go back inside for water. I know he was very hurt by that. I never mean to hurt him.
I agree it was rude and disrespectful of me to storm off and not look him in the eye.
But, I can’t help but think his actions were disproportionate to mine. But I can’t lose my dad.
I know he’s somewhat in the wrong, but to what extent, and how can I fix this?

Today is our third anniversary, my plan was just to wake up and have a candle lit dinner on video chat with her, after that we would watch a movie and read our first messages to each other and talk about our first conversations, after that I would just read her a book to sleep. This was my plan, I just wanted to spend time with her. I had planned a picnic beforehand in a different city she wanted to go, I would do a video tour with her there so that one day we could do it in person together, she told me she didn't want that and that we should just stay home and cuddle. The last year's I wrote her songs for her birthday and sent letters or packages for our anniversary, this year I thought she just wanted to relax. Yesterday she sent me some pizza and chocolates and I was so happy, I decided that instead of cooking something we could just eat pizza again for our candlelit dinner. We have a 7 hour time difference so we try to always be on the phone, yesterday I was busy organizing some things and I gave her a happy anniversary 15 minutes late (because of the timezone difference sometimes it's hard to tell the time), after that we just watched a show and she fell asleep, I woke her up when it was midnight here to wish her a happy anniversary, when I went to bed we were still on call. Today I woke up 2 hours earlier than usual to call her and i could tell as soon as i grabbed my phone that she was/is mad, I called and texted for almost 2 hours without her answering, when she finally did she told me she was mad because she spent our anniversary alone (while I was asleep for 7 hours and we were on call for 2 of them), I tried to explain things but it just led to arguing about how I hadn't planned anything for today and didn't do anything special, she previously told me she just wanted to spend a quiet day at home and that she would probably even be working most of the day. I know I could have planned something different like us video chatting and sketching each other but I thought she just wanted to spend time together. After the pizza date yesterday I decided we should eat pizza again for the candlelit dinner to make it more special, this just got her even angrier, because most of the food apps don't work properly I had ordered her some cookies and other things last week but they arrived before our anniversary, I thought it didn't matter because she knew why I sent them. I didn't want to write a note or a card this year, I just wanted to sing her the old songs I had already written for other events, I just wanted to spend the day with her but instead we ended up fighting. I love her more than anything, always have always will, sometimes I think I'm just not enough, I thought I was doing what she wanted, I thought she would be happy today. I don't know what to do, even if I try to plan something or do something now she will just get even angrier saying I just did these things because she got mad at me, I'm doomed if I do something and doomed if I don't. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent.

We’ll be in Barcelona for a few days next month then staying in Tamariu a few days more until we head back home. 1. Our plan was to rent a car on last day in Barcelona and drive to Tamariu and while there make some day trips to near by areas. Any suggestions on what places would be good to visit for family of 4? All will be of adult age (18+). 2. Looking to do one of those day trips to Andorra France but maybe there are day trips we can do to other cities in Spain. Thinking Valencia or Zaragoza? Or is there another city in France we can get to by train that can be done in a day? 3. Also, how early should we plan to arrive at BCN airport day of leaving from depart time?

I just hurt so much anymore... I just want to be a girl... but it just feels impossible...
I'm 28 I live at home still, I have crohn's disease and non-verbal learning disorder, I barely work part-time because of my poor health and I get disability support over it.
My Dad is totally transphobic and there's never been any reasoning with him... he's said before he'd disown me or my Sister if we ever came out... My Mom I don't really understand because she's said the same before that if one of us were trans she'd never support us or speak to us again... but then her friend at work has a trans son who she's apparently supportive of so I don't know... My Sister never really makes sense she's seems very transphobic one minute and the next seems supportive.... My Brother-in-law has a friend whose brother is trans and she was very supportive and vocal about him when he was transitioning even defending him. The next she's saying awful things about trans people... I don't know if it's more of she's transphobic when its a child involved and not so much with a grown adult she has said she's fine with adults doing it. But she also seems more transphobic towards transwomen like me so.... I don't know no one really feels safe to talk to...
I have no friends.... I never have really... probably between having non-verbal learning disorder, being depressed my whole life and all the bullying I went through in school... plus now all the social anxiety I have now... I've just never been able to really form a connection with someone... I have one girl who I was closer to then anyone else, she's always been very kind to me. We meant in elementary school after I changed schools in grade 7 and became friends there but she moved away in a year... we haven't seen each other since... but we have kept in touch and I told her I was trans she was super supportive. She still lives far away... and always seems super busy, she says I can talk to her about anything whenever I need to... I just feel like I'm abusing her kindness though...
I've tried looking for therapists around where I live and they all want like $300 a session... I can't really afford that... and they're really hard to navigate... like the one I tried contacting and they had a bunch of people to see and they're just like pick the one that speaks to you, and wouldn't offer any other help deciding....
I doubt my family Doctor would be of much help either... I've never felt like she's ever listened to me when I've gone to see her... I don't know if she'd even listen to me or believe me.... I'm so bad at explaining things especially if I'm scared... I probably couldn't even properly explain what's going on.... plus I don't know if she's maybe retiring soon but there's another Doctor there I've never meant before and if I did make an appointment what if I ended with with him.... that'd just make my anxiety way worse....
I just don't know what to do.... I've read both stress and depression can make crohn's disease worse and like the past year I've been to hospital 3 times over it... basically for me I get a lot of pain in my tummy from it... I'm just stuck in a negative cycle of my mental pain causing physical pain... and everything just keeps getting worse... but if I want things to get better all I have to do is say they're bad.... but I'm too scared to... and so on the cycle goes... at this point I'm just doing it to myself...
Maybe if I could just be brave, maybe I could break this cycle... but it requires strength I don't have... I've never stood up for myself... I always just have gone with the flow and drifted along... I don't know if I could change course even if I wanted to... but somethings got to give... I need help... I can't do this anymore... but I'm too scared to ask for it.... so I continue as always to suffer in silence... even when the suffering becomes physical no one will witness the war that rages within...no one will hear my silent cries...
I just wish I was born a girl... I'd take everything else... just if only I felt human... if only I felt like me... maybe I could carry all these burdens if I was just a girl....
I just want to be a girl....... is that so wrong...? I can't help it... things have always been this way... it doesn't go away it doesn't get better it just gets worse and worse, and she keeps yelling at me to listen to her... but I continue on as if all is fine... well wishing in silence just to be a girl... like wishing absolves me of the need for action and instead leaves it to God to grant me a miracle... but it never happens... if I want change I have to fight for it... but I'm not a fighter...
So once again I utter this useless stupid pointless wish that will never come true unless I can make it.
I wish I was a girl.