Catfight milf

Go ahead and monetize, it's fine. Word count is about 2900.
If you fill this or plan to fill this, please notify me. Please don't make edits without asking first.
Author's Note: BECAUSE I DAMN WELL FELT LIKE IT, THAT'S WHY.
If you want to read this somewhere other than Reddit, it's also here.
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All right, where to begin… I suppose at the beginning would work. Sounds a bit boring, though, so let’s jump to the fun bits. Basically, Zeus and Hera were married, and neither of them were the happiest about it. I’ve heard a lot of different versions of this, and about half of them say that Zeus fell out of love because Hera was a petty, jealous, overbearing bitch, and the other half say Hera was perfect, and it was just Zeus was a slimy, unfaithful cheat. Hell, maybe it’s both. I myself haven’t been up to Mount Olympus and seen the two of them, so I ain’t gonna try to judge. What matters is Zeus didn’t really want to be married to Hera anymore, but since the concept of ‘divorce’ didn’t really exist, there wasn’t much he could do. He ended up having a ton of affairs, which is where most famous demigods came from, and also how we got some epic revenge stories from Hera. Revenge, in this case, of course being “punishing the blameless child for her husband’s infidelity.” Still, some of them were impressively creative- I digress. What matters at this point, was that a sea nymph by the name of Thetis caught Zeus’ eye. She was more special than most, though. He took her out on a couple dates, wined and dined her (while Hera was distracted, of course), and then was really shocked - heh, shocked. Y’know, because… lightning god? Never mind. He was surprised to find himself… actually caring about her? Yup, the skyfather was beginning to catch feelings. However, he knew he was still married, and didn’t want to risk Hera obliterating Thetis should he get too public with his new love. He needed to know how things were gonna turn out. So, he did what any sane god would do in that sitch and went to the Oracle. I’m sure I don’t need to give context on the Oracle, right? Mystical soothsayer, dispenses prophecies, perfectly neutral and yet her fates are inescapable, blah blah blah, all the usual mumbo jumbo. Never really liked the idea of a set future, but that’s not relevant. The point is, in the midst of a bunch of indecipherable crap about war and death and ankles, Zeus understood one very important phrase: Her son shall be greater than his father. Upon hearing this, Zeus backed the fuck up. He remembered what happened the last time it was relevant that a son was greater than his father: something something Titanomachy. Yeah, he didn’t wanna deal with the round two. So, he knew he couldn’t keep going with Thetis, much as that broke both their hearts. He figured she deserved something good, though, a consolation prize, if you will, and also needed to make sure that her child couldn’t be a legitimate threat. He decided to kill as many birds with one stone as he could, and decreed that she would be married to “the worthiest of all mortals,” one of the very few humans he could legitimately consider a trusted friend, King Peleus of… a name I don’t know how to pronounce. Phthia? Who the hell came up with that? What ancient Greek piece of- never mind. King Peleus of Phthia. I love imagining how that conversation went. “Peleus, my dude, how’s the kingdom? Gone on any heroic quests lately? Oh, by the way, you’re getting married.” “...wat?” I mean, not like you can say no when the big boss says so. So, to be married they were! And Zeus decided they were gonna have the best wedding ever. Maybe even better than his and Hera’s! He had Hermes send out invites to everyone. All the gods, major and minor, the most important mortals in the world, a bunch of less important mortals, huge sums of nature spirits, even a few sentient monsters and some of the smarter animals. Poor messenger god, honestly, the dude always gets the shaft on occasions like this. There are actually a couple interesting stories that spawned as part of this, like Chelonis, the nymph who wanted to stay home, so when Hermes went to double check her RSVP he got offended, because who would dare to turn down this kind of invitation? He ended up lifting her house, smushing her flat under it, and saying something badass and impressive like “then stay home forever” and turning her into a turtle, which is where the first turtle came from. Hooray! However, this also directly contradicts Hermes finding a turtle as a baby and turning it into the first lyre, and that story’s more important, so I’m gonna consider Chelonis non-canon unless further evidence presents itself- why am I getting distracted again. Ignore me. Back to the wedding. So, everything’s in full swing, the place is lively with all the immortals here to party and Dionysus keeping everyone’s cups full. People are having a good time, but finally… it’s time for the ceremony. Picture it: the groom resplendent in as fancy a tux as he could get (okay, probably not, but something nicer than his formal chain mail), the bride a vision of nymph loveliness walking down the aisle, the Olympians icons of strength and grace as they looked on… boom. The doors swing open, right when everything’s quiet so it’s most distracting. And at this point, anyone who knows anything about the gods will have guessed who it is: the one goddess in all creation who didn’t get invited. Eris, goddess of strife and discord, she who causes chaos. No one wants to see her at a party or a celebration, except maybe Ares, who just wants someone to talk to. So, she enters the room and is ready to ham it up, starts in with the “what a lovely party, it’s a shame my invitation must’ve been lost in the mail-” but Zeus ain’t having it. “You didn’t get an invitation, daughter, because you aren’t wanted here. Get.” “But what if I-” “Leave. Or I make you leave. One of these will hurt more than the other.” And now, well, Eris is as proud as any other goddess. So she tries to save face. Puts on a haughty expression, says “fine, I only wanted to deliver my gift and leave anyway,” turns, and walks out, but as she goes, casually tosses something back over her shoulder. Theoretically, this gift would go to the happy couple, right? Nah, it’s sailing straight for Athena, goddess of wisdom, strategy and tactics, arts and crafts, and a bunch of other things, and acting completely on instinct, she catches it. We all know what this is. Rocks have heard this part of the story. It’s a solid gold apple, with the words ‘To The Fairest’ written on the side. Now, normally Athena doesn’t really care about looks. She’s kind of the quintessential tomboy, more comfortable in chainmail than a gown, not interested in romance in the slightest. However, like most tomboys, when something makes her feel pretty and feminine, well… she likes that, and she really doesn’t want to let it go. She’s smart enough to realize Eris enchanted the fruit, I’m sure, but she doesn’t particularly care, since it’s just an apple, and it makes her feel good, and doesn’t she deserve this? I mean, it got thrown right to her, it must be meant for her. She must be the most beautiful of Olympians, right? Well, some others think differently. First and foremost, Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, calls across the room, saying that if it’s for the ‘fairest’ goddess, it must obviously be hers, give it over. Athena takes exception to that. There’s a little bit of squabbling, but meanwhile, Hera, queen of the gods, is getting off her throne. She comes up and says that, as queen of heaven and obviously the most beautiful one there, she should have the apple. Well now both Athena and Aphrodite take exception to that. At this point, I am fully prepared to believe there was an entire hair-pulling, clothes-ripping, name-calling three-way catfight until Zeus gets off his throne and yells “EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Okay, he probably said something a little classier, like “stop this madness!” but I’ve been getting dialogue wrong all night, no reason to change that now. He gets the three of them separated and is about to start chewing them out, when Hera says “All right, then, my love, you decide!” “Huh?” “You decide which of us is the most beautiful, who gets the apple!” And now all three of them are looking at him expectantly, and Zeus may be more powerful than the rest of the Olympians put together, but he sees the three most dangerous goddesses all staring straight at him and takes zero point zero five seconds deciding he doesn’t want any of that. “Well, my darling, I would love to choose you as the most brilliant light in the cosmos, but there is a conflict of interest here. You’re my wife, so if I were to declare you the winner, the other two could say I was biased and the selection was unfair for the rest of time! Surely you wouldn’t want that kind of qualification on your victory. Athena, you are my beloved daughter, so the same goes for you. And Aphrodite, well, a victory where the judge isn’t allowed to choose either of your opponents is no victory at all, is it?” And, even though the three of them are each pretty sure they would be okay with a biased victory, Zeus is adamant on this. Not him. And he sees the next pitfall coming, too. “And, of course, since no god may sit in judgment where even I cannot, no other god shall judge this contest. We’ll have to sucker a mortal into it.” Aphrodite, who can think startlingly quickly when the situation demands, immediately starts making eyes at Peleus, but Zeus ain’t having it, and for once, Hera agrees. Peleus is married (or about 2 seconds away from it), so his eyes should be on his wife, not the three loveliest goddesses in creation. (I find it interesting that, nowhere in any version of this I’ve read, did anyone consider for a second giving it to the bride, even lovely as she was. Seems only polite, but maybe that’s just me.) If you’re interested, Peleus and Thetis had a happy, mostly uneventful marriage, and that son Zeus was worried about? They named him Achilles. Yeah, we’re gonna talk about him later. But anyway, Zeus tells Hermes (again) to go out and find the most handsome mortal in all the land to judge the contest, and here enters Paris. This lad has his own entire backstory, which we ain’t gonna delve through just yet, but to summarize: prince of Troy, abandoned at birth, raised as a shepherd, not too bright but really good-looking. He’s chilling with his sheep one day when Hermes appears in a flash of light and says “Hot ladies incoming. Cover your butt.” “Cover my what? AUGH-” Sorry, obligatory lego movie reference. Hermes gives ‘im the rundown, and pretty much the second he’s finished the three appear, having made themselves as lovely as possible and wearing their finest adornments. Most versions agree that this comes very close to none of them wearing anything at all, but I ain’t a fashionista, you’ll have to go to someone else if you want the sordid details. But, and now we get into the flowery language, such a triplicate visage of loveliness has never been seen by mortal eyes before or since. Paris is kinda shellshocked, just staring at them with his jaw hanging below his knees. Maybe he’s drooling a little, maybe he’s got an anime nosebleed, dunno. But he ain’t judging anyone right now, and Athena, the smart one, who really wants it, decides it’s the perfect time to step in. While Paris is stunned, she starts making promises, offering what she’ll do if he chooses her. Maybe Zeus meant bribing the judge to be illegal, but he didn’t exactly establish any rules, so anything goes, I guess. Athena starts whispering in his ear about… the gifts she can give him, mind outta the gutter. She says she’ll make him the wisest man on earth and the cleverest, capable of leading armies and ruling kingdoms better than any general or scholar, and it’s at this point she reveals his true parentage, so he does know that these are applicable skills. And he hears all of this, and he thinks it sounds nice, so he starts reaching out to hand her the apple, she’s nodding and getting excited- Hera cuts in. The queen of heaven, who feels she deserves the apple, will not be outdone on the scale of rewards, so she offers him power. Says he’ll be a king, an emperor, rule over all of Asia, have servants and concubines, dictate the fate of nations, have armies bow at his command, luxuries everywhere and anything he ever wants in the palm of his hand. And, it’s worth noting: Hera doesn’t look bad either. If Athena’s everything lovely about tomboys dialed up to 11, Hera, goddess of wives and mothers, is the quintessential MILF. There is a reason Zeus married her in the first place, and it is not her sparkling personality. Paris probably couldn’t have chosen between the two on appearance alone, but now he starts extending his arm again, ready to make his choice, and it’s Aphrodite’s turn to step in. Now, who we have here is the goddess of love and beauty. She is completely certain that the apple is hers, after all, it’s in her job description. And, well, she might not be wrong. Most of the differing versions agree: all three goddesses are so lovely that any difference might as well be a moot point, but if you have to give an edge to any of them, it’s Aphrodite. She steps up, and suddenly the air smells like rose petals, and the birds are singing a little louder, and Paris is feeling things he never felt about any of the sheep, and she promises him… love. Not power, or the means to gain it, something much simpler yet infinitely more complex. In this case, the love of the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen of Sparta, who she conveniently forgets to mention is already married. Now, Paris has been having an interesting day. First a god shows up and tells him he has a new job. Then very strong contenders for the three most beautiful beings in the universe show up, start showing off for him, and say he has to choose one of them as the best. He learns he’s secretly a prince, and gets offered both the intelligence to be a good prince and the power to scoff at mere princes, respectively. It’s fair to say his head’s still spinning, but even so he’s been trying to consider. This has gone a long way past a beauty contest for him, at this point, he’s trying to determine his entire future. Now, Athena’s offering him the ability to lead armies, the means to earn power, but does he want that? He’s just a shepherd, that’s what he’s been all his life. What does he know about conquest, or scholarhood, or any of that? Hera’s offer is a bit better, having all the power without having to work for it sounds pretty good, but that also comes without even any extra smarts to manage it all. Even with all the power in the world, he doesn’t think he’d last long. But then along comes Aphrodite, gorgeous as a summer’s day, and if the other two are tomboy and milf she’s just plain beauty, of the purest, truest kind, and she’s offering the love of a woman apparently almost as beautiful as she. The mountain and the sheep get pretty lonely, after a while, and he’s been longing for company, especially female company, for a long time. It doesn’t take much before he’s made up his mind. He gives the apple to Aphrodite, who’s very happy about having her title validated, and the other two go “You’ve made your choice. I hope you don’t come to regret it” in the most ominous, unsettling voices they can, and then poof away. Aphrodite takes Paris to go yoink Helen, some say she went willingly, others say she was kidnapped, again, I wasn’t there so I dunno. Either way, the two went off to Troy, the city-state Paris was a prince of, and were accepted by King Priam. King Menelaus of Sparta, and his daughter by Helen, Hermione, were left behind, and, in a lot of situations, that would’ve been the end of that. However. However however however. This was not a lot of situations. Menelaus was upset, and he had the Oath of Tyndareus (which I believe we’ve talked about previously) on his side. There were… extended consequences to follow. Yes, the kind of consequences involving 20 years, a horse, and more heroism and godly shenanigans than you can shake a stick at. Athena and Hera did, in fact, hold a grudge, Eris made everyone regret not inviting her, and a lot of people died, but hey! The wedding was nice! Not sure there’s much of a moral in all this. “Listen to the Oracle,” maybe, or “don’t offend powerful goddesses.” Regardless, it’s a pretty cool story, I like thinking about it.
I’m sorry, what about Golden Delicious apples? I fail to see the relevance.

Go ahead and monetize, it's fine. Word count is about 2900.
If you fill this or plan to fill this, please notify me. Please don't make edits without asking first.
Author's Note: BECAUSE I DAMN WELL FELT LIKE IT, THAT'S WHY.
If you want to read this somewhere other than Reddit, it's also here.
​
All right, where to begin… I suppose at the beginning would work. Sounds a bit boring, though, so let’s jump to the fun bits. Basically, Zeus and Hera were married, and neither of them were the happiest about it. I’ve heard a lot of different versions of this, and about half of them say that Zeus fell out of love because Hera was a petty, jealous, overbearing bitch, and the other half say Hera was perfect, and it was just Zeus was a slimy, unfaithful cheat. Hell, maybe it’s both. I myself haven’t been up to Mount Olympus and seen the two of them, so I ain’t gonna try to judge. What matters is Zeus didn’t really want to be married to Hera anymore, but since the concept of ‘divorce’ didn’t really exist, there wasn’t much he could do. He ended up having a ton of affairs, which is where most famous demigods came from, and also how we got some epic revenge stories from Hera. Revenge, in this case, of course being “punishing the blameless child for her husband’s infidelity.” Still, some of them were impressively creative- I digress. What matters at this point, was that a sea nymph by the name of Thetis caught Zeus’ eye. She was more special than most, though. He took her out on a couple dates, wined and dined her (while Hera was distracted, of course), and then was really shocked - heh, shocked. Y’know, because… lightning god? Never mind. He was surprised to find himself… actually caring about her? Yup, the skyfather was beginning to catch feelings. However, he knew he was still married, and didn’t want to risk Hera obliterating Thetis should he get too public with his new love. He needed to know how things were gonna turn out. So, he did what any sane god would do in that sitch and went to the Oracle. I’m sure I don’t need to give context on the Oracle, right? Mystical soothsayer, dispenses prophecies, perfectly neutral and yet her fates are inescapable, blah blah blah, all the usual mumbo jumbo. Never really liked the idea of a set future, but that’s not relevant. The point is, in the midst of a bunch of indecipherable crap about war and death and ankles, Zeus understood one very important phrase: Her son shall be greater than his father. Upon hearing this, Zeus backed the fuck up. He remembered what happened the last time it was relevant that a son was greater than his father: something something Titanomachy. Yeah, he didn’t wanna deal with the round two. So, he knew he couldn’t keep going with Thetis, much as that broke both their hearts. He figured she deserved something good, though, a consolation prize, if you will, and also needed to make sure that her child couldn’t be a legitimate threat. He decided to kill as many birds with one stone as he could, and decreed that she would be married to “the worthiest of all mortals,” one of the very few humans he could legitimately consider a trusted friend, King Peleus of… a name I don’t know how to pronounce. Phthia? Who the hell came up with that? What ancient Greek piece of- never mind. King Peleus of Phthia. I love imagining how that conversation went. “Peleus, my dude, how’s the kingdom? Gone on any heroic quests lately? Oh, by the way, you’re getting married.” “...wat?” I mean, not like you can say no when the big boss says so. So, to be married they were! And Zeus decided they were gonna have the best wedding ever. Maybe even better than his and Hera’s! He had Hermes send out invites to everyone. All the gods, major and minor, the most important mortals in the world, a bunch of less important mortals, huge sums of nature spirits, even a few sentient monsters and some of the smarter animals. Poor messenger god, honestly, the dude always gets the shaft on occasions like this. There are actually a couple interesting stories that spawned as part of this, like Chelonis, the nymph who wanted to stay home, so when Hermes went to double check her RSVP he got offended, because who would dare to turn down this kind of invitation? He ended up lifting her house, smushing her flat under it, and saying something badass and impressive like “then stay home forever” and turning her into a turtle, which is where the first turtle came from. Hooray! However, this also directly contradicts Hermes finding a turtle as a baby and turning it into the first lyre, and that story’s more important, so I’m gonna consider Chelonis non-canon unless further evidence presents itself- why am I getting distracted again. Ignore me. Back to the wedding. So, everything’s in full swing, the place is lively with all the immortals here to party and Dionysus keeping everyone’s cups full. People are having a good time, but finally… it’s time for the ceremony. Picture it: the groom resplendent in as fancy a tux as he could get (okay, probably not, but something nicer than his formal chain mail), the bride a vision of nymph loveliness walking down the aisle, the Olympians icons of strength and grace as they looked on… boom. The doors swing open, right when everything’s quiet so it’s most distracting. And at this point, anyone who knows anything about the gods will have guessed who it is: the one goddess in all creation who didn’t get invited. Eris, goddess of strife and discord, she who causes chaos. No one wants to see her at a party or a celebration, except maybe Ares, who just wants someone to talk to. So, she enters the room and is ready to ham it up, starts in with the “what a lovely party, it’s a shame my invitation must’ve been lost in the mail-” but Zeus ain’t having it. “You didn’t get an invitation, daughter, because you aren’t wanted here. Get.” “But what if I-” “Leave. Or I make you leave. One of these will hurt more than the other.” And now, well, Eris is as proud as any other goddess. So she tries to save face. Puts on a haughty expression, says “fine, I only wanted to deliver my gift and leave anyway,” turns, and walks out, but as she goes, casually tosses something back over her shoulder. Theoretically, this gift would go to the happy couple, right? Nah, it’s sailing straight for Athena, goddess of wisdom, strategy and tactics, arts and crafts, and a bunch of other things, and acting completely on instinct, she catches it. We all know what this is. Rocks have heard this part of the story. It’s a solid gold apple, with the words ‘To The Fairest’ written on the side. Now, normally Athena doesn’t really care about looks. She’s kind of the quintessential tomboy, more comfortable in chainmail than a gown, not interested in romance in the slightest. However, like most tomboys, when something makes her feel pretty and feminine, well… she likes that, and she really doesn’t want to let it go. She’s smart enough to realize Eris enchanted the fruit, I’m sure, but she doesn’t particularly care, since it’s just an apple, and it makes her feel good, and doesn’t she deserve this? I mean, it got thrown right to her, it must be meant for her. She must be the most beautiful of Olympians, right? Well, some others think differently. First and foremost, Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, calls across the room, saying that if it’s for the ‘fairest’ goddess, it must obviously be hers, give it over. Athena takes exception to that. There’s a little bit of squabbling, but meanwhile, Hera, queen of the gods, is getting off her throne. She comes up and says that, as queen of heaven and obviously the most beautiful one there, she should have the apple. Well now both Athena and Aphrodite take exception to that. At this point, I am fully prepared to believe there was an entire hair-pulling, clothes-ripping, name-calling three-way catfight until Zeus gets off his throne and yells “EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Okay, he probably said something a little classier, like “stop this madness!” but I’ve been getting dialogue wrong all night, no reason to change that now. He gets the three of them separated and is about to start chewing them out, when Hera says “All right, then, my love, you decide!” “Huh?” “You decide which of us is the most beautiful, who gets the apple!” And now all three of them are looking at him expectantly, and Zeus may be more powerful than the rest of the Olympians put together, but he sees the three most dangerous goddesses all staring straight at him and takes zero point zero five seconds deciding he doesn’t want any of that. “Well, my darling, I would love to choose you as the most brilliant light in the cosmos, but there is a conflict of interest here. You’re my wife, so if I were to declare you the winner, the other two could say I was biased and the selection was unfair for the rest of time! Surely you wouldn’t want that kind of qualification on your victory. Athena, you are my beloved daughter, so the same goes for you. And Aphrodite, well, a victory where the judge isn’t allowed to choose either of your opponents is no victory at all, is it?” And, even though the three of them are each pretty sure they would be okay with a biased victory, Zeus is adamant on this. Not him. And he sees the next pitfall coming, too. “And, of course, since no god may sit in judgment where even I cannot, no other god shall judge this contest. We’ll have to sucker a mortal into it.” Aphrodite, who can think startlingly quickly when the situation demands, immediately starts making eyes at Peleus, but Zeus ain’t having it, and for once, Hera agrees. Peleus is married (or about 2 seconds away from it), so his eyes should be on his wife, not the three loveliest goddesses in creation. (I find it interesting that, nowhere in any version of this I’ve read, did anyone consider for a second giving it to the bride, even lovely as she was. Seems only polite, but maybe that’s just me.) If you’re interested, Peleus and Thetis had a happy, mostly uneventful marriage, and that son Zeus was worried about? They named him Achilles. Yeah, we’re gonna talk about him later. But anyway, Zeus tells Hermes (again) to go out and find the most handsome mortal in all the land to judge the contest, and here enters Paris. This lad has his own entire backstory, which we ain’t gonna delve through just yet, but to summarize: prince of Troy, abandoned at birth, raised as a shepherd, not too bright but really good-looking. He’s chilling with his sheep one day when Hermes appears in a flash of light and says “Hot ladies incoming. Cover your butt.” “Cover my what? AUGH-” Sorry, obligatory lego movie reference. Hermes gives ‘im the rundown, and pretty much the second he’s finished the three appear, having made themselves as lovely as possible and wearing their finest adornments. Most versions agree that this comes very close to none of them wearing anything at all, but I ain’t a fashionista, you’ll have to go to someone else if you want the sordid details. But, and now we get into the flowery language, such a triplicate visage of loveliness has never been seen by mortal eyes before or since. Paris is kinda shellshocked, just staring at them with his jaw hanging below his knees. Maybe he’s drooling a little, maybe he’s got an anime nosebleed, dunno. But he ain’t judging anyone right now, and Athena, the smart one, who really wants it, decides it’s the perfect time to step in. While Paris is stunned, she starts making promises, offering what she’ll do if he chooses her. Maybe Zeus meant bribing the judge to be illegal, but he didn’t exactly establish any rules, so anything goes, I guess. Athena starts whispering in his ear about… the gifts she can give him, mind outta the gutter. She says she’ll make him the wisest man on earth and the cleverest, capable of leading armies and ruling kingdoms better than any general or scholar, and it’s at this point she reveals his true parentage, so he does know that these are applicable skills. And he hears all of this, and he thinks it sounds nice, so he starts reaching out to hand her the apple, she’s nodding and getting excited- Hera cuts in. The queen of heaven, who feels she deserves the apple, will not be outdone on the scale of rewards, so she offers him power. Says he’ll be a king, an emperor, rule over all of Asia, have servants and concubines, dictate the fate of nations, have armies bow at his command, luxuries everywhere and anything he ever wants in the palm of his hand. And, it’s worth noting: Hera doesn’t look bad either. If Athena’s everything lovely about tomboys dialed up to 11, Hera, goddess of wives and mothers, is the quintessential MILF. There is a reason Zeus married her in the first place, and it is not her sparkling personality. Paris probably couldn’t have chosen between the two on appearance alone, but now he starts extending his arm again, ready to make his choice, and it’s Aphrodite’s turn to step in. Now, who we have here is the goddess of love and beauty. She is completely certain that the apple is hers, after all, it’s in her job description. And, well, she might not be wrong. Most of the differing versions agree: all three goddesses are so lovely that any difference might as well be a moot point, but if you have to give an edge to any of them, it’s Aphrodite. She steps up, and suddenly the air smells like rose petals, and the birds are singing a little louder, and Paris is feeling things he never felt about any of the sheep, and she promises him… love. Not power, or the means to gain it, something much simpler yet infinitely more complex. In this case, the love of the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen of Sparta, who she conveniently forgets to mention is already married. Now, Paris has been having an interesting day. First a god shows up and tells him he has a new job. Then very strong contenders for the three most beautiful beings in the universe show up, start showing off for him, and say he has to choose one of them as the best. He learns he’s secretly a prince, and gets offered both the intelligence to be a good prince and the power to scoff at mere princes, respectively. It’s fair to say his head’s still spinning, but even so he’s been trying to consider. This has gone a long way past a beauty contest for him, at this point, he’s trying to determine his entire future. Now, Athena’s offering him the ability to lead armies, the means to earn power, but does he want that? He’s just a shepherd, that’s what he’s been all his life. What does he know about conquest, or scholarhood, or any of that? Hera’s offer is a bit better, having all the power without having to work for it sounds pretty good, but that also comes without even any extra smarts to manage it all. Even with all the power in the world, he doesn’t think he’d last long. But then along comes Aphrodite, gorgeous as a summer’s day, and if the other two are tomboy and milf she’s just plain beauty, of the purest, truest kind, and she’s offering the love of a woman apparently almost as beautiful as she. The mountain and the sheep get pretty lonely, after a while, and he’s been longing for company, especially female company, for a long time. It doesn’t take much before he’s made up his mind. He gives the apple to Aphrodite, who’s very happy about having her title validated, and the other two go “You’ve made your choice. I hope you don’t come to regret it” in the most ominous, unsettling voices they can, and then poof away. Aphrodite takes Paris to go yoink Helen, some say she went willingly, others say she was kidnapped, again, I wasn’t there so I dunno. Either way, the two went off to Troy, the city-state Paris was a prince of, and were accepted by King Priam. King Menelaus of Sparta, and his daughter by Helen, Hermione, were left behind, and, in a lot of situations, that would’ve been the end of that. However. However however however. This was not a lot of situations. Menelaus was upset, and he had the Oath of Tyndareus (which I believe we’ve talked about previously) on his side. There were… extended consequences to follow. Yes, the kind of consequences involving 20 years, a horse, and more heroism and godly shenanigans than you can shake a stick at. Athena and Hera did, in fact, hold a grudge, Eris made everyone regret not inviting her, and a lot of people died, but hey! The wedding was nice! Not sure there’s much of a moral in all this. “Listen to the Oracle,” maybe, or “don’t offend powerful goddesses.” Regardless, it’s a pretty cool story, I like thinking about it.
I’m sorry, what about Golden Delicious apples? I fail to see the relevance.