I know very well I’m not the only one going through this and I feel almost pathetic complaining about it when there’s other people going through much worse, but I’m having a lot of trouble coping with my appetite. I’ve been on the implant for about a year and a half now, and since the beginning of this year my hunger has been insatiable. The second I think I’m full, two seconds later I could eat what I just had ten times over. I’ve always been a little on the midsize/plus size side of things and I’ve never been exactly secure in my body, but now that insecurity has skyrocketed. I’ve tried to keep healthier things to snack on around the house, I try to stay active, but my hunger gets so bad and I always seem to give into the cravings. I’ve tried dieting again and calorie deficits, but my history with eating disorders makes it difficult to stay on a healthy path with those. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve gained so much weight and it’s so hard to feel happy with my body right now, especially when before the implant I was at a sort of peace with my body. My confidence, and in turn, my happiness, is at an all time low. I’m not at a place in life right now where I can get it removed, so any advice to cope or even relieve some of this?
TLDR: Nexplanon has turned me into a hungry bottomless pit and ruined my self confidence, any tips on how to help my appetite?

Maintaining a consistent exercise routine is widely recognized for its benefits to heart health, muscle strength, and overall well-being, but its impact on longevity and aging is also significant. Understanding how certain types of exercise can influence the aging process provides valuable insight for those looking to not only extend their lifespan but improve their health as they age.

The Science of Aging and Exercise

At the cellular level, exercise has been shown to affect several biological mechanisms that are directly related to aging. For example:

• Telomeres, the protective caps at the ends of chromosomes that shorten with age, are better maintained in individuals who engage in regular physical activity.
• Mitochondrial function, vital for energy production and commonly declines with age, is enhanced by regular physical activity.

Recent studies, including those published in journals like "Aging Cell" and "The Journal of Physiology," have documented how resistance training and aerobic exercises enhance longevity. These studies found that such activities not only improve physical function but also reduce the risk of chronic diseases commonly associated with aging, such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis.

Types of Longevity Workouts

Various exercise routines are touted for their anti-aging benefits:

• Strength Training: Helps combat the loss of muscle mass and bone density that comes with age.
• Cardiovascular Fitness: Improves heart health and increases lifespan by reducing risk factors for heart disease.
• Flexibility and Balance Exercises: Important for maintaining mobility and reducing the risk of falls, a common issue as people age.

Expert Opinions

Insights from fitness experts and gerontologists highlight the best practices for longevity workouts. They advocate for a balanced approach that includes a mix of:

• Aerobic exercise for cardiovascular health.
• Resistance training for muscle and bone strength.
• Flexibility routines to preserve joint health and mobility.

Real-Life Success Stories

Real-Life Success Stories of Longevity Workouts

The transformative power of longevity workouts can be seen in the stories of individuals who have dramatically improved their health and fitness through consistent exercise.
CrossFit Enthusiasts Over 65 CrossFit has not only served as a robust workout regime but also a community hub for many seniors. Mary Schwing and Sandy Stevens, both over 65, have seen significant improvements in their health due to their dedication to CrossFit. Mary, who started CrossFit at 59, has managed to outperform her younger self year after year, even placing in competitive events well into her 60s. Similarly, Sandy started CrossFit at 71 and has continued to push her physical limits, accomplishing feats like 26 wall walks in a single workout. Both women cite the community and the challenge as key motivators in maintaining their fitness regimes​
​Leah Misch's Journey with 'Minutes in Motion' Leah Misch's fitness transformation began with a simple commitment to 30 minutes of daily exercise, leading to significant lifestyle changes. Over three years, she not only lost weight but also completed several 5Ks and a half-marathon, significantly improving her overall health and vitality. Leah credits the structured challenge of "Minutes in Motion" for helping her stay consistent and motivated​
​HIIT Workout Transformations High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) has proven effective for people of all ages looking to enhance their fitness. Michael, a software engineer, used HIIT to gain muscle and strength, achieving results he never thought possible with just short, intense sessions. Lisa, a marketing manager and avid runner, overcame a plateau by incorporating HIIT into her routine, which improved her agility and firmness, and enhanced mental clarity​
​These stories highlight not just the physical benefits of dedicated exercise routines but also the mental and emotional improvements that accompany a healthier lifestyle. The success of these individuals showcases how adopting fitness regimes, particularly those involving community and structured challenges, can lead to substantial long-term benefits.

Integrating Longevity Workouts into Your Routine

Practical tips for beginning these workouts safely, regardless of current fitness level:

1. Start Slow: Gradually increase the intensity and duration of your workouts.
2. Consult Professionals: Get guidance from fitness trainers or physical therapists, especially when starting new exercises.
3. Stay Consistent: Regularity is key in achieving and maintaining benefits.

Conclusion

Exercise is a long-term investment in your health and well-being. Engaging in routines that focus on longevity can not only help extend your lifespan but also enhance the quality of your life as you age. As we continue to see advances in our understanding of how exercise impacts aging, incorporating these practices becomes ever more essential.

I started following Lacy back in her Free + Native days after she wrote a blurb for mindbodygreen about her hair growth infusion. I finally joined the Pathway in 2020 and did it in tandem with therapy and got a lot out of it at the time! But once I graduated from therapy I felt I had graduated from the Pathway as well. Even though I’ve since unfollowed TBM and Lacy and become a bit disillusioned by both, I realized just how much Lacy and her recommendations have influenced me over the years!

1. Beans- Oh the beans! I never did the bean protocol strictly, but after listening to Karen Hurd’s first podcast (let’s pretend that second one never happened) I figured it was a cheap and pretty easy way of incorporating more fiber in my diet, especially as I move toward eating a more plant based diet. And now that my baby’s eating solids he also eats beans most days 🫣
   
2. Flower essences- I will sing Alexis Smart’s praises until my dying breathe! Her flower essences really are amazing. I bought my best friend and I some on a whim after we had our babies because we were navigating so much postpartum and whoa did I notice a tangible difference! I’ve literally had her formulas on rotation ever since. I also DM’d her on Instagram and had the funniest, sweetest interaction with her. I won’t try and explain the conversation because it’s confusing without the full context but she actually came back and messaged me apologizing in case I took offense to her message (which I did not, there was absolutely nothing to be offended by! But I thought it showed how sweet, sensitive, and thoughtful she is that she’d reflect on what she recommended to me! It made me like her even more tbh.)
   
3. Hair growth tea- If you don’t know the one I’m talking about, it’s this one. Even though I’ve technically been drinking this infusion for years, I’m never consistent enough to tell if it’s actually making any difference. If it’s worked for you let me know and I’ll try and get better about drinking it 😅
   
4. Lara Elliott- I know someone on here recently asked about Lacy’s inner circle and Lara was mentioned. I had a life-changing womb healing session with her a couple years ago before I was about to begin trying for my baby. She was genuinely so warm and friendly! And I still talk about how powerful that session was to this day. She also gave me a really wonderful taco restaurant recommendation after our session haha. Seriously if you’re interested in booking a session with her, it’s worth every single penny!
   
5. Jenna Zoe- I’m not even into Human Design but I love Jenna’s app so much, specifically for the meditations! It’s so affordable for the amount of content that she is regularly uploading (ahem take note TBM). She also has one of my favorite Instagram accounts PERIOD.
   
6. Beekeeper’s Naturals- This stuff works amazing, I fear! We have a baby in daycare so the throat and nasal spray stay in rotation.
   
7. Infrared mat- I forgot I opened an FSA account so I had a lot of money to spend in very little time lol so I bought myself an infrared mat after literally seeing Lacy have one (I feel like she had it at the Forest Retreat House?). The brand she used wasn’t FSA eligible so I bought a different one. I still loved it! Again, not sure if it made any difference to my overall health, but I it was great for menstrual cramps, I always used it when I got sick, and my dog also loved to have a snooze on it which is obviously most important haha.
   
8. ION Biome- Bought this stuff after listening to Zach Bush’s Expanded episode when I was have a particularly rough bout of stomach issues. I don’t think it made them worse? But it definitely didn’t make them better. It also gave my husband the shits for days lol. I still gave it a couple months but traditional probiotics just work better for me 🤷‍♀️
   

I feel a real kinship with this particular community and would love to know what products/people you found through Lacy/TBM, and whether you recommend them or not!

Hello wise women,
I've been reading some of the posts about the variety of experiences with weight gain and HRT. My story is that I lost my period at age 43, when I happened to be running 250 miles per month. I wasn't overly lean IMO (I wasn't even down to my "normal" pre-child weight!). I was eating carnivore. Yes, all this was in response to a subtle shift in my body comp that I felt like a low pressure system deep in my being. The doctor and even my ND assumed I was in menopause after a year with no cycle. I worked with an amenorrhea coach and my ND. I started taken HRT due to my inability to get my periods back and my young age to protect my bones/ CV system. I had an insane reaction to the patches (wild deep red streaking all over my thighs and abdomen, not raised or bumpy or itchy). I switched to compound estradiol cream and 100mg of progesterone. My reaction to that? I got high. Laughing unable to walk upstairs to bed--it was awesome. But only lasted a few nights. I've since acclimated to the patch and have a higher dose since I keep testing low.
I have struggled with compliance. I would take the HRT and yes they helped w sleep and the bottomless depression; the mood help is pretty profound. My sex life is pretty great on HRT and pretty meh without. But on HRT the depression got worse in some ways bc of the rapid weight gain. In response, I would stop HRT, drop a few pounds and then inevitably the no-sleep demon and the other kind of marrow-deep depression would take me down. I would restart HRT. Each cycle was about 6 months. Then at the age of 47, I got my period back (last summer). For real. So I got to stop the hormones and wow I recognized myself in the mirror again very quickly (days!). I even went back to playing soccer - a lot. Maybe you can guess what happened a few months later...ACL rupture. Holy shit show. I did well w the surgery, excellent w the rehab and still, the depression/ the stress all of it, made my periods go away again.
I held out as long as I could but the no-sleep demon came for me and I had to go back on hormones. The weight gain is well, double-take level. As in, if I run into an old friend there is a visible swallow and eyes widening. I'm a former collegiate athlete, a surfer, I have a goddamn degree in exercise science and I have the discipline of an Olympian. I have a bike desk. I work out with impeccable form daily with proper periodization, planned rests, and have toned down the running (obs, see injury above). I can stick to any diet. I never overeat. I get my protein in daily. I hit my water goals. I take magnesium. All the things-done. I have never undereaten until this phase of my life. And this is crazy making. It feels like my body is gaslighting me. Oh you ate 1000kcals yesterday? Here's 3 extra pounds for your effort.
Like many of you, I had a traumatic childhood w a host of abuses. Trying and successfully figuring out cause and effect has saved my life on numerous occasions. It's important to me to understand why the laws of thermodynamics no longer apply. It's also bringing up some fear, uncertainty, & loss of control issues.
My pull-up game is weak (umm 1? If I cheat), my push-up game has suffered. My abs are still strong as hell but I can only see the top 4--the bottom part--WTAF is happening. I've put the work in, perhaps you may say too much work. If so, you a) may be right & b) maybe it will make someone out there feel better that someone with my track record/ experience is struggling mightily.
It's very important to me to feel in control of my body and I've tried to do so in a physically healthy way. For the mental part, I've done so much therapy. I've done every treatment under the sun short of electric shock therapy (thought about it) for mind and body. But the kind of stuff I went thru isn't the type of thing that really ever lets you feel safe again. This--my body, my health, my earning of my health has been my safety. Feeling fast and strong and fit has been my blankie. I want it back.
I'm currently 48, had a period last month, which I would love to think means I can stop HRT but since I re-injured my meniscus (PT had me jumping way too soon post-op sadly), I'm worried that my cycle has hidden again. I'm incredibly sensitive to stress and I always have been. Most of my life I've felt that I'm not quite cut out for it all due to my over sensitivity & insane hyper vigilance.
Has anyone else had such a clear weight up on HRT/ weight down off HRT experience? If so, did you say screw it, and just deal with low mood, no interest in sex, yet steamy, damp nights nonetheless...forever? Or did you go the other route and say eff it, I'm gonna see just how high my body fat can actually get to?
I'm tired of waffling between two of the shittiest choices on the market.

2 years of "experience" 16 years old 191lbs 6'2 bodybuilding/hypertrophy training
I'm currently in the process of cutting weight for summer, and I'm not exactly where I want to be. I plan on competing naturally in the future in some capacity, but as it is right now, this cut is purely "for the soul". Just wanna see how peeled I can get for the hell of it, snap some pics, and then hop into a mass-gaining phase. I've had a few too many screwups, but I'm deciding to officially lock in from now on. My TDEE is likely sitting at around 3000kcals and my plan is to go with a 2400cal diet that includes fasted cardio. Macronutrients would consist of around 190g of protein, 90g of fat, and 200g of carbs. I started at 215lbs and have lost 25ish pounds over the course of roughly 5 months. That aside, I'm trying to assess where I sit right now in terms of bodyfat %. With water retention fluctuations and other factors, it's hard to tell where I'm at with such a discrepancy between how I look when I'm pumped and how I look in natural lighting with no pump. I'll include some pictures in both environments, but I'd appreciate some educated guesses just so I know roughly where I'm sitting right now.
Pumped physique with good lighting:
https://imgur.com/a/dAa8EBR (Imgur link includes multiple photos so be sure to scroll)
No pump w/ natural lighting:
https://imgur.com/a/keCjx91 (Imgur link includes multiple photos so be sure to scroll)

Hi everyone, I am seeking advice on tips to keep my two (2 year-old tabby neutered) boys from getting UTI again. Both of them had UTI in the past two months. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong or what’s going on. I’ve adopted my boys for one year and a half now. They were neutered when they were 8 month old. And they are from the same litter so I want to be mindful of their genetic similarities.
I’ve kept them on a dry food diet ( ARCANA indoor cat food w/ an auto feeder feeding them 4 time a day) occasionally with some wet food as treats. They have a water foundation that’s always running. They also drink from my cups around the house. Back in March, my older boy had symptoms of UTI. He had a hard time peeing and went into the litter every few minutes. It’s my first time having male cats and I thought about the worst case scenario so I took him to the ER due to holiday schedule that all primary vet nearby closed. It costed me $800 for some antibiotics, a urinalysis, and a visiting fee. I don’t have insurance for them so that was fully out-of-pocket. The ER doctor said that male cats tend to develop UTI issues and there is not much I could do besides keeping a clean litter box, making sure there is not much stress factors trigger them. Two days ago, my other cat show symptoms of UTI, he was in the litter box for over 3-4 mins and had a hard time peeping. I felt his belly it wasn’t firm, but with his brother’s history I took him to the vet. The primary vet suggested me to put them on a fully wet food diet and I will get the urinalysis result in the coming days with some antibiotics prescribed.
Last time my older cat had UTI was after I came back from a two-day trip while my husband was at home with them. This time we had guests over the day before my younger cat had UTI. They were nervous at first, but came out and played with us very affectionately. We don’t have guests that often, but when we do, they never had health issues afterwards. If they don’t want to play, they could just hide in the bedroom. I don’t know if was the trigger?
Any advice would be appreciated on how to take care of male cats with a history of UTI ( diet, environment, hygiene, etc.) In addition, I am looking into cat insurance. They are young and healthy except this UTI issue. What factors should I care the most when choosing insurance ? ( my own research has been focusing on criteria like covering visit fee, lab tests, imaging/ x-ray, low deductible ~$250, high coverage 80%). Anyone had insurance recommendation for cats with UTI history?

I've posted pics of my face and my body to this sub before. A lot of you agreed with me that it is very likely for me to have cushings. I'm currently very insecure about my body's fat distribution, puffiness and inflammation so these were things that I was so unhappy about but now there's something worse happening. I've lost a lot of my muscle mass in my arms and legs. I cannot carry a glass of iced water without shaking. Most of my selfies are blurry bc my hands won't stop shaking (I've lost strength). My legs are getting a lot worse too. My legs shake like crazy when I go down the stairs and I always almost fall. I need help from someone else to get all the way down. I just turned 26 and it's crazy that I'm even experiencing these symptoms. I used to be very out of shape in the pandemic to the point where I could only walk very short paths but I've become more active since 2023. Now I can go for long walks that go over an hour. It felt amazing for both mental health and physical health benefits but now when I walk for so long I get leg pain. I feel like I have enough energy to keep walking but my calves start to hurt. I used to have thick calves but they've gotten a lot smaller which is odd bc I've never had that before. My arms look so small compared to the rest of my body that someone on another subreddit accused me of editing my arm to make it look smaller which is quite ridiculous lmao. My arms and my legs are getting smaller and my face is very inflamed in an odd way despite maintaining the same weight that I've been maintaining for a year. I have not gained or have not lost weight but my face looks like Jabba the Hut bad in terms of how bad the inflammation has gotten and my belly is my widest body part while everything else looks smaller. My doctor says it's just my genes but nobody on either sides of the family gains weight like that. The women in my family are either pear shaped or hourglass, even if they're plus sized. When I was younger I was actually pear shaped and now it's changed to complete Cushings shape. To me it is horrifying. I feel like my youth was spent looking like an ogre. I've really been affected by this for almost 10 years. The endo I saw at the beginning of the year has refused to test me bc she insists that I do not have it and that I'm just not obeying her diet. I followed her diet for months but I did not lose weight. It was very strict and my primary doctor said that it felt a little restrictive but I was so desperate that I gave it a shot for a few months. Even when I lost weight in 2019, I looked thinner but still had the same fat distribution. I was at the same weight that I was in right before my cushings mightve developed (2014-2015) and I looked a lot more puffy in 2019 than I did in 2014/2015 despite being the same weight. I made an appointment to see another endo and I've had to wait for months. It's June and I have to wait until September. I was put on a cancelation list but I honestly have to keep calling every week to see if someone has canceled their appointment. I hate waiting and having to live any second longer this way. It's limiting my mobility, I get very bad fatigue so I'm always tired, the way it makes me look makes me so sad that I'd rather not try dating anyone bc I feel like this disease has me looking awful. I know that i have a pretty face but it doesnt matter when a lot of people keep reminding me that I would look better if I just dropped 90lbs. (If it wasn't for cushings and insulin resistance I would have by now lmao). People make a lot of assumptions of who I am bc of how I look and I've been called 'built bad" before. I've been single for 4 years and I'm wondering if I should keep being alone until I get my diagnosis and my surgery, possibly also spend 2 years after that recovering. I have a lot of internal work left to do anyways so I might as well. I wonder what my late teens and early 20s would have looked like if I didn't look this way. If I had more energy and didnt experience pain or shame I know all types of women and men get treated badly but I think I've faced a lot of cruel acts because of how I've looked for so long. People attacking me for my looks, just not taking me seriously bc of what I look like, and people admitting to me that they were mean to me bc of my looks. I just wanted to be treated like a regular human with feelings :(. From all of the blood work it looks it started developing at 16 and I'm now 26. I don't want to keep going on with this disease bc of the scary health issues that I've developed as hell. Please pray for me lmao

I (34F) had a lipid panel done 7 years after my first and am confused as to my numbers, especially the low triglycerides and high LDL.
2017 results: Total: 150 (normal below <200) Triglycerides: 36 (normal below <150) HDL: 60 (normal above >40) Cholesterol/HDL Ratio: 2.50 (normal below <5.00) LDL: 83 (normal below <100) Non-LDL: 90 (normal below <145)
2024 results: Total: 197 (normal below <200) Triglycerides: 48 (normal below <150) HDL: 63 (normal above >40) Cholesterol/HDL Ratio: 3.13 (normal below <5.00) LDL: 124 (normal below <100) Non-LDL: 134 (normal below <145)
Nothing in my diet or activity level has changed. If anything, I'm eating way less red meat (summer sausage was often part of my lunch). I eat oatmeal 6 days a week, maybe have beef 2x/month, and eat out 1-2x/month. Ground turkey and chicken are mainly what my mom cooks with. I don't drink alcohol, fruit juices, and maybe have a sugary drink (sweetened tea) once a week. I do drink a lot of milk, but I always have. I eat whole grain bread 95% of the time. I'm not great with fruits and veggies, but I have been eating a lot more salads in the past couple of months.
I have a disability and expend a large amount of energy just doing everyday tasks, like getting ready for the day. I am 5'3" and 116 lbs, and I've weighed about this since I was 17. My doctor once worried when I lost 6 lbs, so I know it's not my weight. On paper I don't exercise, but just doing taking a shower and getting dressed takes a lot of energy (and time), and I'm not sure my doctor understands as when I had my last appointment she commented on how much I sleep. Anyways...
The only thing I can think of that has changed, besides getting older, is that in the summer of 2017, I switched from Lexapro 20mg, which I had been on for nearly a decade, to Sertraline 150mg. I had a relapse in my depression and anxiety, and it was pretty severe.
Now, here's where I really wonder. All of my mom's siblings have high cholesterol; one had a heart attack at 38 and needed triple bypass. Five of the seven siblings are overweight, but two are/were not, including the one who had the heart attack. He admittedly did have a poor diet at the time. My mom's first lipid panel at 58 (no idea why she wasn't tested sooner) showed her total cholesterol was 292. She tried diet and supplements but eventually went on Lipitor 10mg. Hers is still borderline, but her doctor (same one I see) doesn't want to increase her dose.
Also, one of my paternal uncles has had high cholesterol since he was a teenager. I'm not sure about my dads's other 11 siblings. My dad hasn't had his checked in over 2 decades so he's no help. He did have a very minor stroke at 47, but his sister, a lab tech, went over his labs and said he did not have high cholesterol at the time. But that's family history, I know.
I know this likely has zero impact on my results this week, but in the two previous weeks, I ate out way more than usual due to traveling...like 6x in a week, which is very unusual for me. Can something like that impact test results?
My doctor requested a follow-up to address my high LDL. She's extremely cautious and ready to treat when it comes to anything and everything, so I'm not sure what to ask. I read a lot about additional testing when it comes to LDL. Do you think it's warranted?
I don't want to go on meds as my disability already causes chronic muscle pain, but knowing my doctor, she'll recommend it if I can't get my LDL down.

chinese history can’t be separated from the problem of eunuchs, a political class, that was in theory supposed to be loyal to the emperor but turned out to be as self-interested as any other clique
a particularly messy rebellion against them
as a matter of interest, they also had the penis as well as the testicles removed giving rise to urinary tract problems that were highly unpleasant and even so, the imperial concubines usually took eunuchs as lovers
i think on balance they probably did facilitate many centuries of highly centralised rule, a role today filled by communications and surveillance technology
the bottom line of any addiction is what is it excluding ?
what is the opportunity cost ?
usually its so high because you have recognised it as an addiction
human beauty
i have none of
its not sadness that leads one to grasp it
too fragile to be held
but a deep melancholy
death is too close
to
beauty
the female world
sorta isolated
its own bubble
sorta tangential
to reality
propaganda and dictatorships work by controlling information and hence beliefs and opinions and it is amazing how easily we driven by these into various insanities
from the control point of view, any creativity is a threat or poison and is dealt with by the force of suppression or aversion
in delusian terms "creativity is an act of resistance"
when on reddit and you get downvoted, just repeat to yourself "a downvote is an upvote" which it really is since you have distressed an idiot !
the freedom
of good health
in old age
there
is
no
other
women
the burden of ovaries
undercuts
an entire life
seeker and sought
the religious parlance
meaning
nothing
"zen" is a wrapped up box with some writing on it saying "i promise the answer’s inside" and when you open it up, its empty
i would guess the royal family has been boosted to the gills for covid and king charles and princess catherine both getting cancer makes me wonder
the precipice’s edge
unstable
dangerous to be there
walking
back
takes
time
on the other hand
stability
is an illusion
st. isaac the syrian
quotes I
quotes II
“ for it is more expedient to be bruised than dead ”
he’s very underappreciated
the
female
need
for
faces
deep
genetic
programming
han china
umpteen million
one
grain of sand
amongst many
must alter your perspective
the
system
can
do
without
you
existential angst
when tears roll from a baby’s eyes
its a bit early to be thinking about these matters
pillars of salt
we are always looking behind
but at least we can see
what has gone behind
what we can’t see
is
what is behind
other pillars
of
salt
plucked from life
unto death
another state of being
the former from the latter
distinctive is
but how the latter
views the former
we can never know
ed. a poem i wrote on looking at a photo of emily dickinson’s nephew, gilbert dickinson who died of typhoid aged eight, the rhythms and semantics of the poem make it seem like it could have been written by emily ?
a non traumatic demonstration of how a caesarean delivery is done
its not a trivial procedure, i’ll say that
something i had never thought about
not surviving an operation
it happens
even
with
the
routine
the unwanted
stalks
us
everywhere
.
something i had never thought about
surviving an operation
it happens
even
with
the
routine
the unwanted
stalks
us
everywhere
feeling
the travesty
of how ill it fits
with the way this world works
the thought of nothing squared
halve it
then triple it again
is still nothing squared
travelling and living in a new place you like for a while and then leaving again
its like falling in love and then breaking up, what can you do ?
continuities
dreams
stitching together
what is discontinuous
interior stresses rend
apart
what is held together
for a while
all rivers run
as coleridge said
to oblivion
ed. these lines below from coleridge’s most famous poem have always puzzled me, now i think about it, my poem is an alternative, more abstract version of his full poem which has always puzzled me and now it has sort of solved itself, i can’t believe it has sat in my brain for thirty or forty years as a puzzle looking for a solution
where alph, the sacred river, ran
through caverns measureless to man
down to a sunless sea
i give credit to coleridge claiming the poem is unfinished, but i am not sure that level of intense creativity can be sustained and even in terms of the existing poem it was starting to fall apart by the end
this is such a zen/religious thing, taking other’s words and paintings, not a single thing is their own
this is because the moment they say something or draw something of their own its laughable
you can’t tell 'em, diet and exercise are extremely important in keeping good mental health “ recent research published in the journal clinical nutrition reveals a significant link between high consumption of ultra-processed foods and an increased risk of developing depression
this study, conducted in brazil, indicates that individuals adhering to diets rich in ultra-processed foods are more likely to experience depressive symptoms over time these findings underscore the potential mental health risks associated with dietary patterns characterized by processed and convenience foods ”
i nearly ran into a cyclist a week ago on a windy back road because neither of us was keeping far enough to the left, then a little later nearly hit a car because, again i was not keeping far enough to the left
hopefully i have learnt, i think i was driving like i drive at night when you can assume you will see any oncoming traffic well ahead because of their headlights
daylight gives no such clues and cutting blind corners seems to be a local habit
“ taken together, our data highlight the profound impact of exercise in rejuvenating aged microglia (ed. reverting their gene expression signature to that of young microglia), associated pro-neurogenic effects and on peripheral immune cell presence in the ageing female mouse brain ”
julliard
clone factory
squashes
creativity
assembly line
performance
when OP’s bleed
their writers
in denial
about their injury
but
a portion
of
their
brain
cries
ed. certified GPT-free
the double edged sword
cuts
its holder
as one brought up on a very patriarchal version of english history its interesting to see that william the conquerer’s success was in part due to having a very politically competent wife
ed. video has 3 parts
also interesting is that due to harold godwinson having been captured in normandy and kept there for a while, he knew both mitilda (possibly even having an affair with her) and william very well and should have been more au fait with norman battle tactics and strengths i have a theory that the middle ages and somewhat later had in effect a breeding program through intermarriage within the nobility/aristocracy creating a politically competent class, because politics is not a natural skill to the species, same thing for ancient egypt, in fact today’s international politics suffers a lot from people lacking any sort of the rationality and largeness of mind required

So I didn't have anything planned for dinner. My child missed lunch and there was a cheeseburger that nobody ate for lunch. I heated up the cheeseburger, added lettuce, tomato & onion. I ate ¾ of it. Now I'm concerned I will vomit it up. So my question is, have any of you eaten a cheeseburger while in this trial? How did you fair with the cheeseburger? Am I in for some suffering?
I stayed within my macros/calories and haven't over eaten. For some reason when I made an adjustment to a macro setting it switched me to a 1200 calorie diet. I'm not complaining.😂 It should supposedly be higher but I eat a lot of lettuce. It's not exactly full of calories or carbs. I struggle to pack in the protein every day. I feel like a brick right now. I'll eat light tomorrow and Monday since I do my shot on Tuesdays. I get concerned fried or fatty foods will make me feel sick. So in 3 months, this was my first cheeseburger. This could be a long night or I could be assured others have done fine eating a cheeseburger.😰😬

I've been doing NoFap for about 3-4 years now, I have lost over 100 lbs, started college, earned a full ride grant, became the top salesman of the company I work for, got my first gf, consistently go to the gym 6 days a week, go into Martial arts training, improved my diet, improved my hygiene, started reading more, learned how to make friends, and I'm currently on my way to start my own business.
Recently I saved a bunch of money and decided to quit my current job due to safety reasons, with all these free time I found myself with lots of urges. I decided to indulge in porn, I thought I was going to go back into my old ways and lose all my progress. However, to my surprise I didn't even get aroused. I felt like sharing because to me this was a crazy moment, I cant remember the name of the adult actresses anymore. Even though I gave in for about an hour (I didn't even edge at all lol) I was shocked at how desensitize I am about porn, it was like a curse was finally lifted. The girls on the video have nothing compared to the girls IRL, girls IRL just have a beautiful smile, sense of humor, dorky, kind of dumb lol, but most importantly they're unique.
I don't know what to say, porn detoured my life into a dark hole that I've had to work twice as hard to get out. They journey has been worth it, I cant believe it, i don't get aroused by porn anymore lmao

Hello everyone, I need help or advice from anyone knowledgeable or anyone once in a similar position to mine on this matter. All input is welcome! I am a 6 foot 4 former D1 and professional soccer player who has had struggles with my weight since retirement from the sport.
In college (Age 17-20), the most I ever weighed was around 185lbs and was less than 12% body fat. This was due to my everyday tough physical activity including gym for an hour every morning and training for 2 hours immediately after. I never ate healthy because I would always burn whatever I ate by the start of the next day. I was blessed to be in that position in life to not have to worry about such things. I know.
Post graduation (Age 21), COVID happend and I gained around 20-25lbs over 2 years. I could see and feel the changes in my body around this time and it made it hard to reach a “healthy” physique again. I tried to stay as fit as possible with quarantine restrictions, but I was never someone who really looked after their health and fitness because I was always just that…fit.
Pro life (Age 23&24), COVID period made it difficult to get back to peak fitness but I managed to land a professional contract to play for a team for 2 years. By this time my weight was around 220lbs and for the sport I play and the lack of fitness and momentum I’m sure some could assume this led to injuries such as muscle tears and reoccurring knee injuries. Picked up a few during this time and this is what has forced me into retirement from the sport I love and have since moved onto other things (I’m content with this).
On to today (Age 25), I weigh 245lbs…and I’m not quite sure what to do. I’ve tried doing CrossFit gym daily but the pain from my injuries has haulted me from these types of intense workouts that I was oh so use to…dieting also is a problem for me as I don’t really know where to start. I would like to weight around 200lbs but I don’t know how to achieve that.
If anyone can give any advise or opinions it will be greatly appreciated, thanks!

A few years back, this sub helped me lose 22kgs. After a year of maintenance, I fell pregnant and all my healthy eating habits went out the window as I ate whatever I could (nausea and morning sickness is no joke!).
Everyone told me I would lose the weight after baby came. When that didn't happen, I tried to lose it myself. I had no idea what calorie consumption was normal for a breastfeeding mumma, and ended up accidentally starving myself at times. This developed into Binge Eating Disorder - something I am in recovery for now (and still attending Psychology support for).
I've managed a mental shift from "have to lose the weight" to "I want to be healthy and happy". Part of that is learning intuitive eating, finding ways to eat more balanced meals, and finding fun ways to move my body.
It's been a wild ride, and because my ADHD doesn't help with remembering to do things and finding motivation, I decided to use this sub as an accountability buddy. At the start of every month I will post progress photos ( https://imgur.com/a/2ZyUgwk) and share my scale and measurement progress.
With Binge Eating Disorder Recovery, the goal is slow and steady weight loss, with the focus on habit change.
Weigh lost this month: 1kg Weight lost in total: 3kg
Hips: -1 cm
Belly: no change
Waist: -3 cm
Bust: no change
Leg: no change
Arm: -1 cm
Chin: -1.5 cm
I'm honestly shocked at how many centimetres I've lost across my body so far. It's a reminder that even if there is small change on the scales, there's plenty of change happening across my body.
What habits am I working on?

1. Balanced eating: I've researched what balanced meals look like and I've added things into my diet, like wholemeal or whole grain options. I've come up with snack options that are easy to remember and grab.
   
2. Reducing portion size to prevent possible binges. If I have less to eat in front of me, I'm giving myself a fighting chance against Binge urges and I am allowing myself to learn how much I need to be 'full'.
   
3. Meal prep! I meal prepped some burritos and have them in the freezer for quick grabs to prevent take out urges.
   
4. Zumba! I've been going once a week for the entire month. It's fun and gets me moving.
   

Sometimes I feel a bit like I'm going backwards. Today's check in revealed I'm still making progress. I am hopeful for continued progress over this next month!

Author's note:
This was certainly a challenge for me, as Nature of Knights is radically different to anything I've written and most of what I've read. In the end, I decided to focus on Rhea, and her experience being rescued by Tom after her time with the Arxur. These events follow from the events of chapter 5.
I had a couple more scenes I wanted to write, but I ended up running out of time, so I decided that this was a good place to end it. I may do a follow up chapter with the other scenes I had planned out, if I have the time and motivation.
I hope you enjoy!
original fic:
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Transcription note: the subject was operating through a significant language barrier for much of the period encompassed by these transcriptions. Some relevant dialog has been reconstructed from a combination of other transcription subjects and phonetic reconstruction. These words are indicated with a strikethrough, to show that the subject couldn’t comprehend their meaning.
Memory transcription subject: Rhea, Fevarian attack mutt
Date [standardized human time]: July 12, 2275
I sat curled in the corner, my snout resting on my knees, holding my legs against my chest. Most of the wooly people stayed in the opposite corner of the room, clearly frightened of me. Did they know what I had been forced to do, what I’d- WHO I’d eaten to survive, broken and desperate on that Arxur ship? I still remember the fear in their eyes, eyes that I could see the sapience behind. I remember the way they pleaded, begging in a language I didn’t know, but what they meant was obvious. Food isn’t supposed to be something that can think, that can speak, they never should have been cattle. I can feel their wool on my gums as I-
At least I tried to make it quick.
I clutched my legs tighter, a whimper escaping my lips and tears seeping into my fur as my claws dug into my skin.
I could hear the wooly people talking amongst themselves in that same musical sounding language, with a few talking to the “Humans” who had slain my handlers in a different alien tongue. I tried to block out the musical language of the wooly aliens, and the memories it brought, by trying to glean meaning from the conversation with the Humans. Without any context, my emotion-addled mind couldn’t find any useful patterns in their speech. They sounded kind, though, much kinder than the Arxur, with their jeering growls and hisses. I hoped that the Humans would treat me better than my handlers had. Not that it’d take much.
With a shudder and a whimper, I tried to force my thoughts of the past and worries for the future out of my mind, letting the sounds of the Humans’ language wash over me, as the tears seeped into my fur.
…
Advance memory transcription: 9 hours, 14 minutes, 29 seconds
Date [standardized human time]: July 13, 2275
…
As I returned to consciousness on the hard floor, I heard the speech of one of the wooly people, and smelled their scent on the air. I curled in on myself deeper, waiting for the screams, or the beatings to start, as my handlers forced me to eat. But they never came. After a few minutes, I tentatively opened my eyes. I wasn’t in the kennel?I remembered, I remembered that armored person. They shot my handlers, but they didn’t hurt me. They said they wouldn’t, that I was safe. I hope it’s true. They are a Human. They brought me here, with all the wooly people.
As I looked around, I saw less wooly people than I remembered from the previous day. They probably just went to another room. I hoped they just went to another room. I then noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see the armored Human setting down a glowing device displaying what I assumed was Human writing, and putting their helmet back on. They turned to me and spoke in Arxur. “Good morning! Did you have a good sleep?”
I replied as best I could, “Yes, sleep was good.”
“I’m glad. Before we get you some breakfast, I have something for you, and I also need to ask you a couple of questions.” I cocked my head in confusion, wondering what they wanted to give me, and what else they had planned for me. They handed me some folded pieces of thin, tightly woven white fabric, and continued. “We saw that you wear clothes like us, and Sarah thought that you might want to cover up a bit more. This isn’t much, but it should do until we can make something better for you.” I took the fabric, but continued to look at them confused. He slowly reached out with a single armored finger, and gently plucked at my [shirt]. Or what was left of it. I suddenly realized how little my tattered clothes still covered, with much of my front visible through the gashes my handlers had left in my shirt, and my [skirt] was so shredded that my… everything could be seen by anyone who made the effort to look amongst the tatters and my matted fur. I instinctively tried to cover myself with my tail and arms, and the armored human seemed to sense my embarrassment. They moved to sit between me and the rest of the room, facing away, and reached back with a bottle and a roll of gauze in their hand. “For your wounds. Do you want me to help clean your wounds, or should I give you some privacy while you do it yourself?”
“Yes, clean my wounds.” And though I knew they wouldn’t understand, I added in my own language, “Thank you, truly.”
They turned around to face me, and, with more care and dexterity than I would have thought possible from such a heavily armored form, they explored the fur of my arms with their fingers, inspecting each of my cuts. When they found one that was still seeping, they unscrewed the lid of the bottle, which smelled strongly of distilled alcohol. They wet a cloth with it, before carefully dabbing it into the wound, and wiping away the pus and the worst of the dried blood. The alcohol burned, but I knew it was better than allowing my wounds to fester.
I still didn’t know the name of my savior, or even if they were male or female. At least I assumed Humans had males and females. Surely, with how kind they’ve been, they wouldn’t mind if I asked? While they cleaned and bandaged my arms, I tried to think of the best way to ask my question with my limited knowledge of the Arxur language. My handlers hadn’t exactly prepared me for social niceties. When the armored Human had finished with my arms, I took the opportunity.
“I am Rhea, She. You are?”
They cocked their head for a moment, seemingly confused, before responding.
“Oh, I never did introduce myself, did I? I’m Thomas Jones, he him, or you can call me Tom for short. Most do. I’m a knight of the Coalition, trained and sworn to protect its people and its ideals. To be the best the human race has to offer. I’m the shield that protects and the sword that strikes down evil.”
Once he had given his name and informed me that he was male, he seemed to fall into a rehearsed speech. As with everything else he said, there was so much of it I didn’t understand, but the unknown words he spoke were entirely new to me, and many of them seemed somehow less harsh than the rest of the language of the Arxur, as though they had never been touched by the cruelty of the people who took me from my home. And the way he was filled with confidence and nobility in his shining armor as he spoke made me think of the armored [knights] who gladly gave up their lives to try and protect us from the Arxur. His words too, a mantra of strength, excellence, and most of all protection, evoked their noble code. Is that who he is? A Human [knight]? Will he protect me too, even though I am not of the “Coalition”, whatever that is?
Will he still protect me if he finds out what the Arxur forced me to do?
I saw that Tom was looking at me for some kind of response, so I nodded to indicate I understood, and he nodded back, returning to my injuries. It seemed our species shared that gesture. He eased my [shirt] up out of the way, and I went ahead and removed it entirely, and turned away from him so he had better access to my back and sides. Judging from his sharp intake of breath, it was probably pretty bad. I clenched my teeth and braced for the pain of him treating my injuries, but even still, I let out a loud, pained whimper as the dull throbbing of my many cuts and scratches were thrown into sharp clarity, as the alcohol found and painfully cleansed each one.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry,” he said, as he rubbed one of my gashes clean, drawing out another whimper. “I’m doing my best to be gentle, but this has to be done.”
“I know.” I hiss through clenched teeth.
One by one my wounds were cleaned, and the worse ones packed with gauze. As he worked his way around to clean the few cuts I had on my front, I marveled at how he was able to be so dexterous and gentle with his armored fingers. He then took a fresh roll of gauze, and started wrapping it around my shoulders and upper torso, covering my wounds. The gauze stuck to itself, without aid of any glue or knotwork, and soon enough, most of my injuries were properly bound. The cuts on my legs and haunches swiftly followed. They clearly weren’t as bad or as numerous as the injuries to my back, as in seemingly no time at all, he had finished his work. He then handed me the white fabric again, and then stood with his back facing my corner, as if to guard my privacy while I dressed myself.
I unfolded the cloth, and found that Tom had given me two rectangles of fabric about [5 feet] by [3 feet]. I pondered how best to make something like clothing from them as I carefully removed my tattered [skirt]. Finally, I settled on folding over the end of one of the pieces of fabric to make it slightly shorter, and then tying it behind my neck so it covered my front like a baggy apron, before wrapping the other piece around my waist with my tail parting the seam like my [skirt], and rolling it over itself a few times to secure it so it wouldn’t slip down. I tugged on the fabric, adjusting it so it laid well against my body and so I was sure it wouldn’t slip, and that everything I cared about was covered. I wished that my crude [skirt] had some way to fasten it around my tail, but it would do, so long as I kept my tail fairly low to protect my modesty. Finally, I picked up my old clothes. I didn’t really know what to do with them. They weren’t really in any state to be worn, but they were all I had left of my home, so I couldn’t bear to get rid of them. In the end, I carefully folded them, and tucked them into one side of my crude skirt, where the bright colors of the ragged cloth contrasted against the pure white of my makeshift outfit and the bandages covering much of my arms and torso.
“Tom, I’m done.” I said, and he turned around to face me again, looking at me and giving me a small nod.
“Good. Now that you’re dressed, I need to know a bit more about your diet before we have breakfast.”
I cocked my head, unsure of what he wanted me to tell him, before he clarified.
“What do you eat?”
…
I froze.
He knows what I’ve done.
I began to hyperventilate.
How did he know? Did he even know?
“I didn’t want to! They made me-” I began in Fevarian, before halting myself and trying to explain myself in Arxur.
“They made me do it. I didn’t- I wouldn’t have if they didn’t- they made me eat them, they hurt me, hurt me when I didn’t!”
“Slow down. What did they make you do? What did they make you eat?”
I shuddered as tears dripped down my muzzle. I couldn’t hide what I’d done. Not now, not even if I wanted to. As the tears poured from my eyes, and a pained whine started in the back of my throat, I looked past Tom to the opposite corner of the room where a few of the wooly people stood, and whispered, barely loud enough to be heard.
“Them.”
I tensed up, bracing for his response.
As he processed what I had meant, I saw a shift in his demeanor as he tensed up, enraged by what I’d done. I cowered into the corner, expecting him to strike me down, but instead he hastily shifted his posture, forcing himself to relax.
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at them. I want to kill those fucking cannibal bastards a second time for what they did to you. We will hunt the Arxur down, until they can’t do that to anyone else, ever again.”
He removed his helmet and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, and for the first time, I was able to look him in the eyes. They were so alien, but I could see the kindness in them.
“It’s okay, you’re safe now.” he said in his Human language, and while I didn’t understand the words, I knew what he meant. I could see it in his face, and the tone of his voice. He wasn’t going to hurt me. I was safe with him. I hugged his armored torso, and buried my face into his neck, allowing myself to just break down and sob. I cried and cried until I had no more tears, as Tom stroked the fur on my back and comforted me.“It’s okay.
Let it all out.
You’re safe now.
I’ve got you.”

Hello. A little over a month ago I notice my scalp breaking out with sebderm and I've been testing a variety of products and medications since. I also had a flare on my face for which I was prescribed an oral antifungal and oral steroid, which helped on my face but did absolutely nothing for my scalp. I've tried pharmaceutical 2% ketoconazole, 1% selenium sulfide, 1% pyrithone zinc, and 1.8% saylilic acid shampoos. All of these were used after an aveno gentle acid cider vinegar shampoo.
Based on testing, the ketoconazole, selenium sulfide, and pyrithone zinc shampoos all seem to work about similar (only preventing flaking for about 6-12 hours) while the saylilic acid shampoo caused significant stinging and i stopped using after trying it twice. Using just water and no shampoo makes it worse. I may do a test where i just use the aveno shampoo only and see if using any shampoo at all helps just as much as antifungal shampoos. I found that using squalane oil and aloe vera after I get out the shower does help, but MCT oil makes it worse. I've used each product about 3 times a week for at least a week each with no changes to how effective or ineffective they are throughout that period. All products were ran through sezia and no major problems were found.
At this point I don't know what to do. My dermatologist appointment isn't until August and I just have to deal with it until then as 2 doctors both said that I am doing everything correct and I just need to see a dermatologist if it is not helping. As for my diet, I don't make enough money to make significant changes to my diet such as cutting out carbs completely or a carnivore diet, as I need less expensive carbs in order to effectively reach 1800-2000 calories a day with my income and can only afford chicken in terms of meat. Also I haven't noticed my seb derm getting worse after eating anything specific like dairy or sugar, so I am unsure how much my diet is contributing to my seb derm.I also have been taking a multivitamin and getting outside more to account for any vitamin deficiencies.
I am super defeated (although after going through a really bad flare up on my face I will say it makes my scalp sebderm seem like much less of a deal than before) does anyone have tips?
For context I am a 20 year old male with pretty dry skin and dry, wavy, hair if that is important at all.

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend (f 31) of 14 years broke up with me (m 32) a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist, I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend of 14 years broke up with me a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?