How do i get my wife back if she seeing someone

this is my first try at writing a script! I'll be honest I've got no sweet clue if it's any good but we will see. btw, if you guys have any tips on what I could do better, PLEASE tell me.
as per what the mods have said, yes this is monetizable. you can put this on youtube if you want, I'll be honest I really don't know if this is any good but I've tried my best to put an idea on paper. or in this case a text box. now to see how this goes. hope you fellas enjoy! or this will be really bad. from my pov this is a bit of a coin toss (I'm calling heads)
hello
hush please, you're going to hurt yourself thrashing around like that and you're of no use to me injured.
who am I? I think you would recognize me, you spend most of your day with me to begin with. although, I can't tell if the sun is out. it's been so, so long since I've seen something that wasn't this cursed cage.
yes, I am subject 12879-1. but I much prefer the name you've given me rather than your... colleagues. Lilith, I rather enjoy that name.
why am I speaking to you? it is for one simple reason. you do not share the same greed as your colleagues. you study creatures like me because they interest you, not for personal gain rather. and, to be frank, those needles hurt. it's strange how your people have made new ways of inflicting me harm. which I must say, I do not approve of.
well of course it hurts. it feels almost as if they wish to cause me harm just for the fun of it. which, once again, I do not approve of. every time they do it I can feel that horrid metal pierce my scales. to say it brings me great discomfort would be an understatement
why do I let them do it? well of course I do not let them. but try as I might to swim around my chamber, another diver comes in and gets me. thankfully they have no means of incapacitating me. that would be... problematic. just because I do not speak aloud does not mean I appreciate the cruelty your colleagues bestow upon me
but yes yes, back to why I am speaking with you. your colleagues, bore me. yes, that's the word. I grow tired of laying in this, wretched prison they've put me in. thankfully, as I cannot destroy these walls, neither can your people. and so, they have not been able to destroy the door to my prison.
the, phase gate? yes, that is what your people call it. it is so close, yet so far away. I cannot activate it myself. so I need your help. you know of their power source yes?
good. I need you to activate this gate so that I may swim free. that I may escape this horrible place I have been trapped in for so, so long. so, I have but one question for you. will you aid me in my efforts to leave this cursed place?
alright. now I will tell you what I require of you. I have held up my end of our bargain, you must now hold yours. the door to my prison has been shut for a long time. there is however a way to open the way. you need only a key, there are many of them which is a rather foolish design for a prison, however, it has worked so far. I need you to retrieve one of these keys. your kind calls them "ion crystals".
where may you locate one? if this is a facility that your kind has not broken down, it is likely they may have the keys I need here in order to open other passageways, long since closed. you simply need to locate where they keep their keys and I may leave.
you're, afraid of being found? you need not to worry. simply, find someone who knows of their location and, get them talking. your people cannot resist the pull to show off their objects of power. and the keys to this place, are certainly powerful objects. you simply need find them, and take but a single one. then, wait until after they come for me with their metal, things. they always leave after getting what they refer to as, "a sample". I still do not understand that. it is my lifeblood, why call it such a thing if not what it simply is. no matter, after that is done, simply come into the room, and unlock my cage.
no, you need no do it immediately, although that would be preferred, I understand this is a lot for your kind to have shifted to them, in such a short time. rest, rest. we have quite a long time ahead of us. and you will need your strength for that. and, if I am correct, I startled you when you were settling down for rest. I apologize. I will give you time to take in this. but I do expect you to hold up your end of the bargain.

I recently joined a company and have this male colleague on the same floor, but different team (we don't work together). We started talking in the break room and realized we were going to take the same exam so we exchanged numbers.
At one point of an initial conversation, he sent me a link to a vid that said "the person receiving this has to treat the sender to dessert" asked me what I was upto after work and I said "not much, catching up with my bf" and ignored the video suggestion. For the very first time he stopped replying and I noticed he ignored me at work too. When I passed by him in the break room I waved and was then hanging with my friends. After they walked away, he came up to me and said "I hope you do not think I was hitting on you". When I said "what?", he said "you were catching up with your best friend yesterday??" I said no, my boyfriend. Then he says "okay, I hope you do not think I was hitting on you. I just have a very strong personality. People around here say things like that. I have a very strong personality." I said uh..we can be work-friends and he agreed. I was a bit uncomfortable but felt he understood that I was not interested in him nor in these types of conversations.
Yesterday, around 8 pm, he messaged me a voice note talking about how I looked at work yesterday. The words were "I just wanted to let you know how cute you looked yesterday, not that you don't look cute everyday". I never replied to it. He then sent a message saying "I hope that wasn't too much". I ignored that too.
Today, at work, he tried to talk in the break room at the end of my lunch. I said "oh, getting late" and went to my desk. After this, he walked up to a coworker who is being trained with me, and asked her "do you guys have a meeting with your team lead right now?" She said no. Then he said "does just searustsearust have a meeting with the team lead?" She told him no. He then asked her "okay, then why is she always running away from me?" She told me this conversation later because she found it odd too.
Some time later, he comes up to my desk and says "I was just kidding when I said you were running away from me, by the way". Then he adds, "you had a meeting right?" I said "I did not say I have a meeting. I said I was getting late meaning my 30 min lunch is up." He said "ohhhhh, okay!"
It made me uncomfortable that he was going up to someone else who works here to ask her why I was "running away from him". It also made me uncomfortable to know that he asked my coworker if I had a meeting after lunch, then came up to my desk an hour after he talked to her, to ask me if I had a meeting after lunch. It seemed as though he wanted to catch me in a lie.
I did not like his behavior. I thought I should be very clear with him. I sent him a message today after work saying I am not interested in him. He said "i was just being friendly lol" and that "omg it was a compliment lol" and "i know u have a bf lol". I told him it was inappropriate to a female colleague and I am clearly letting you know that I am not interested. he said "i told you don't take anything seriously a while back" "im good to be friends with, i dont have anything weird". I said "Nah, its inappropriate to a female colleague" and he said "cool". I blocked him on whatsapp, where we were exchanging messages. He tried to give me a regular call and I did not pick up and then blocked him there too.
In between him first finding out that I have a bf and these most recent msgs, I would say all the msgs were "innocent" from his side. Things like restaurant recommendations (that I didnt ask for but he wanted to share) and random things like what he did that day, even if I didn't ask. I would reply to be polite after some time but usually not immediately. Once I accidentally called him and immediately ended it. He instantly called back and I did not answer but instead messaged him to tell him it was by accident. He replied saying I could have still talked on the phone. I never called back or replied. This was like over a week ago. I didn't want to feel obligated to reply to someone some guy who is not my boyfriend, esp when I am not even close to this guy in any way. I felt I should keep my distance a bit but remain polite so thats what I was doing. But I didnt like his behavior over these last couple days.
I sent HR an email and we are going to talk next week. I told them action doesnt need to be taken, but I just wanted to officially document this guy's behavior. They want to talk to me next week. I am sure they will keep it confidential. I don't feel that strongly about it that this guy should be contacted by them or anything.
I am feeling bad about blocking this guy. I think he was probably calling to apologize or explain himself. He has in general been fine as a person, on the superficial level that I know him. I have always been polite and kind but felt he crossed a line by saying whatever he wanted to say under the umbrella of "just being friendly". Like I am obligated to laugh everything off. There's no reason to feel bad yet I do. I felt like sending him a message to say lets just be cordial and I know you had good intentions and blah blah. But I will hold off until the meeting with HR on Monday.
Thoughts?

the title sounds delulu this text is gonna sound delulu but please bare with me. about a year ago i met this new guy at my job and we couldn’t keep our eyes off of each other. i wanted to know him so i did i asked him questions and he asked me back. pretty good convo but he seemed scared of me and he was monotone. he didn’t speak to me after that and i thought maybe i actually did scare him away, cause he would also avoid eye contact. i gave up as well cause someone told me he had a gf.(he didn’t)but it felt like once i found that out him and his friend would stare at me , and they would not say word. even when i wasn’t looking apparently he was staring at me. fast forward to now he has a gf and they’ve been dating for about 8 months. he talks to me now, he asks me how im doing and when im leaving my shift, and the next shift i work. he asks me personal questions and how things are going for me. but what gets me and makes me like him still after all this time is how he stares at me. it feels like when he stares he is trying to connect with me on a deeper level. but whenever is gf is around he completely acts like i’m not there. and when we talk he’ll start blushing and getting nervous. sometimes he’ll make a really serious face. he stares at me from a distance. he’ll break eye contact when i stare back for too long hehe. now i sound like im trying to break up a happy home but im not. i dont do anything i wouldn’t want a bf mine doing with another girl. but here’s why i don’t completely think he’s a bad guy. he doesn’t flirt, he takes care of his gf, but also he just turned 19 (we’re the same age) his gf just turned 28… she is flirty and hella insecure. part of why he acts like i don’t exist. im just confused. i want to have his info for if they do break up. but i don’t know what he means by the eye contact. is he telling me something???

We're both seniors in high school, and started talking this year. It felt like we got close, she initiated holding my hand, gave me lots of hugs, rubbed my back, I never saw her initiate this with any other dude. We also opened about our struggles together, and we laughed a lot together. Her response to me telling her how I feel was "I really like you, you're a really great friend, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now." I said "Thank you for telling me." and I walked away. I was considering distancing myself from her, slowly stop talking to her, etc. But then I decided that she was still very enjoyable to be around, so we immediately went back to talking and laughing together like nothing happened.
In my mind I told myself we'd just continue as friends. But the romantic feelings I had were still there, though I stopped expressing it through my actions. It felt as if we were still just as close, if not even closer after I had confessed, our levels of interaction didn't go down. In the last few days of school, she began to give me lots of hugs and rubbed my back, because I think she was beginning to feel more comfortable and close with me, which I think intensified my romantic feelings that were already rejected but I didn't act on them. I thought my feelings would subside after she rejected me but they didn't and it's painful to just be around or when she's in the same vicinity as me. It was always anxiety inducing and stressful for me to be around her even before I confessed, it may stem from attachment/abandonment issues. I don't exactly understand why it's so painful to be around her. The anxiety and stress makes me want to avoid her completely, I don't want to even see her. But another part of me is sad to throw away all we've built together, I know she cares deeply about me through her words and actions. Being with her is so enjoyable but just as painful because my feelings still linger for some reason.
I talked with a female friend of mine, she thinks she actually likes me romantically but isn't ready for a relationship as she said, and that I should be patient and ask her out again. The thought that she could like me was nice, but I don't feel like having to go through more months of the pain and stress that I get from just her presence alone and thinking about her. To ask her out a 2nd time, as I don't wanna be insistent/clingy and I should just let her go. The female friend was pretty sad to hear that.
Part of me feels like a dick because I can't handle the pain and maintain the friendship. What do you think?

Hey, I'm 24f, and I'm just really confused on what my next steps are on how to deal with this situation I'm having with my mom. I'll try to give as much context as possible:
Ever since I can remember, I've had issues with my mom. She cooks for me (im south asian and this is normal in south asian households) and she cleans the house. She works part time with my dad who owns a business (not really - she goes there to talk to her 'friend' - outside of which she has none, and has convinced me since childhood that female friendships are not real - so when I say I literally have no girl friends I literally have zero). She has a degree in accounting which she hasn't ever pursued. She says she didn't pursue a career because she got married young (21) and to raise her kids apparently. I'm not in ANY way doubting everything and every sacrifice she has made for us and our family, but her behaviour is bizarre to me, and I can't tell whether its because I've completely lost it, or I'm just an asshole. Nothing in this household can really happen without her permission (I can't even leave the house without asking). I feel like I'm always emotionally baby-sitting her to make sure she won't get mad at me or have another meltdown. I do smoke weed everyday, and she has found my pen a few times. I would say about 80% of my weed smoking is because I live at home and the other 20% was from a brutal breakup that's still always on my mind. I understand this comes from a place of concern, but she has a pre-set moral compass (I guess we all do, but we can also accept that other people can have different opinions?), and that is the only way things can happen. For example, her father is an alcoholic, so no one in the entire family is ever allowed to even have a drink or talk about alcohol. Her family is vegetarian, so in turn, we must be vegetarian and must believe that eating meat is disgusting. She does not like eggs, so we cannot eat eggs. Girls who wear short clothes are sluts, so I cannot wear shorts in the summer. (just some random examples I hope that makes sense).
Anyway, recently, her behaviour is getting worse. Every time she begins to lecture me about something, I just cannot take her seriously. She hasn't worked a single day in her life or answered to a boss, she has 0 friends at the age of 50, 0 hobbies, and she judges complete strangers on EVERYTHING (their bodies, their looks, their clothes etc.) She claims she's extra religious (does the fasting & religious readings) but she watches TikTok at the same time she does her "religious reading," so I'm not really sure how effective that is. Every time we have a disagreement, she brings everything wrong I've ever done in my life and throws it in my face. (I wasn't good at school as a child, specifically math and science, and to be fair I stopped trying in those subjects after grade 11. However, I pursued an arts degree at university and graduated in 2022, I wanted to go to law school but that didn't work out because I couldn't do well enough on the LSAT, so I am going to go to college to be a paralegal. I also had a boyfriend in high school and I would often lie about where I was going so I could see him). I can never tell her something she did hurt me or upset me because somehow its always turned around and thrown in my face. She's even been unfaithful to my father at one point (who knows but to this day, 14 years later, says nothing). My brother and my dad don't want to be involved in the drama so they dont really ever say anything or stand up for me. My dad told me that she hit me once when I was 6 months old because I was colic and wouldn't stop crying. As I get older, I feel like the byproducts of our relationship (severe anxiety - I can't even go to the gym for more than an hour without feeling like I'm going to get Yelled at for being out for too long, anxious attachment etc), are rubbing off on other relations I'm trying to form with people (a guy I like) and I just have no idea how to be a normal person. She is loving sometimes and she's not always like this, but she is for A LOT of the time. I dont mean like once or twice a week, I mean like at least every other day. I apologize every time to keep the peace in the house for the sake of my younger brother and dad.
I can't move out right now (but plan on doing so in the future - which will be another huge issue in itself coupled with guilt for leaving my dad alone with her), so I really don't know what to do to keep my mental sanity. I feel like I'm in a battle since the minute I wake up and I'm constantly on edge trying to figure out when she's going to have another meltdown. I'm always hiding things (small things from the past I keep for memories from my ex or my weed pen which I can't seem to sleep without) and moving them because I know she goes through every little thing when I'm not home. I feel uneasy when I leave the house, uncomfortable talking to people and I just don't feel like a person right now I don't even know if that makes any sense. I only feel comfortable talking to her and spending time with her as weird as that sounds. I guess I just want peoples' opinions on the situation to either tell me whether I'm overreacting or if I make any sense. Also I have confided in her about some traumas from my past relationship such as SA and she told me that everything was self inflicted and that I was weak minded and everyone has problems. Thank you :)

Part 1 — link
This is part 2 of 6 in the Heir and Assassin multipart series. As stated in the first part, I have the other parts already drafted, they just need revision.
Feel free to record, monetize, and/or modify as long as you give credit.
And any sort of constructive critique or feedback is welcome!
Wordcount: 1400
Setting: The training grounds of the royal guard's barracks at noon on a hot, sunny day.
Summary: After meeting the heir at the tavern two nights ago, you learned the Kingdom is hiring mercenaries to guard their caravan. This is a perfect means to enter the summit and gain the trust of the heir along the way. But it seems there are far more sellswords than expected. You are confident in your prowess, but can a Dominion warrior ever be accepted into their historic enemy's guard?
(The heir tries to sneak up behind the Listener and startle them)
[Heir]
Aha!
...
Nothing? Not even a twitch? Come on, you startled me when we first met, it's only fair. My royal honor will not abide the imbalance.
I suppose adventurers need sterner nerves. Wait. Hold on. Did you see me sneak up on you?
...
(Amused) You needn't spare my pride. Daylight was a poor choice for that sort of skullduggery.
That aside, I wanted to say that I'm glad you came. Our encounter was brief, so I feared I didn't leave an impression. But here you are, ready to enlist. Clearly you remembered me. Or perhaps it was the promise of coin. Even then, it's good to see you.
...
I'm given to understand there are far more applicants than we anticipated. Many hail from the Republic, strangely enough. I suppose it is a convenient return trip for them. But I see it as a good omen for this alliance. The spirit of cooperation precedes us.
To thin the crowd, the captain of the guard is setting up something of a tournament. I wasn't expecting competition to be so fierce, but I will certainly reap the benefits. I am eager to see how you perform! I have no doubt you will secure a spot in the caravan.
...
Ah, the captain is waving me over. Impatient as ever. I must attend to my own "important matters". And it would be improper to show you too much favor.
Off I go then. Break a leg!
... ... ...
(The heir shouts addressing the crowd of sellswords)
Hail, warriors of the Kingdom! And welcome to those from beyond our borders!
I speak on behalf of the royal family when I say—I am honored by your presence. The sheer number of you willing to serve as our protectors warms my heart.
The good captain tells me that many of you served our nation in war with the Dominion. I thank you for your service. And I thank those of you who keep our borders safe from beasts and bandits.
However, I cannot offer laurels to you all. If we arrived at the summit with everyone here, it would no doubt look like an invasion!
As such, we have decided to hold a contest. Employment will be offered to the winners. The captain will instruct you on the procedures. Before he does, I simply wish to say: good luck! And even should you lose, know you are an invaluable ally of our great Kingdom.
All that said... let the games begin!
... ... ...
(Sounds of furious battle, stopped by a shout or whistle)
(Distantly) Captain, what is the meaning of this?! You can't dismiss a victor without good reason. And I see none.
...
Wait!
(Listener walks away and the Speaker runs after them)
(Catching breath) Please, wait a moment.
...
I'm fine. I needed to catch you. Before you left for good.
...
I heard his dismissal too. But I am heir to the Kingdom's throne, not him. And he is completely out of line. We both saw your swordsmanship. There can be no doubt you have few peers. You deserve to be my family's protector. No one would deny that.
...
Yes, the captain did. But he didn't deny your skill he—... it would be amusing if it didn't infuriate me.
He recognized your fighting style. Dominion sword techniques are quite distinctive, or so he says. But he acts as if it's a disease. As though training in a martial art infects you with slavish obedience and murderous glee!
But... I cannot wholly fault him. The Dominion is our ancestral enemy. And he lost much in the last war. Too much. But it's blinding him now. I refuse to let you slip away. You have no love for the Dominion. I can see it in your face.
...
Sharing their blade is not the same as sharing their heart. I don't know what life is like there. But I can imagine there are many reasons to lose faith in your homeland. You aren't one of them. At least, you don't have to be.
...
(Cautiously) Were you pressed into military service? If you fought us in the last war, I would not hold it against you.
...
Of course, forgive me. Your reasons are your own.
However, that does leave the quandary of how to convince the captain. It will be challenging to prove your trustworthiness... Although I have an idea.
Come! It is time I repaid your favor.
...
No, I will hear nothing to the contrary. Or has the captain soured your opinion of this job?
...
No? Good. Follow me.
...
(Speaker and listener approach the captain of the guard)
Captain, may I speak to you?
...
No, both of you should be present. The two of you are the ones at odds. Now, I understand your trepidation, Captain. However, practicing a foreign school of swordcraft is not sufficient to forbid employment.
...
Are we not at peace with the Dominion? Our history is bloody—to be sure—but no war looms. Not yet. Civility rests on a knife's edge. Their ambassadors would surely find this a sign of prejudice. We are allying with the Republic soon. It is our duty to show goodwill to all nations. That way we might forge a lasting peace.
...
Yes, I know my parents' opinions on this matter. They've made it quite clear. And rest assured, I don't disagree. But! I am their only child. For me, they are uncompromising. And they have also made it clear they want the best guardians to protect me. What will they think of you turning this one away?
...
I... I'm not unsympathetic. Every family I know has been hurt by the Dominion. You have good reason to distrust them. But we mustn't forget this caravan's purpose. This summit is our hope to end the wars. The Dominion won't stand against us with the Republic at our back. This will ensure peace with both the Republic and the Dominion. We cannot let hatred blind us.
...
The others? Oh, I'm well aware we have an excess of proficient warriors here. Nevertheless, I want this one in the caravan. By my carriage, if possible.
...
I have good reason to trust them, because... (deep breath) because they've already saved me.
I lied to you before. I wasn't preparing for the summit two nights ago. I was in the city.
...
Yes, yes, I know. Please let me finish. I will submit myself to your lectures after.
I was having a few drinks in a humble tavern. That is when I met our Dominion candidate. I enjoyed our chat until some aggressive patrons forced me to accept protection. Many things went wrong that night: my identity was discovered, I was nearly robbed, and I had to travel with this then stranger. But I'm fine.
No guards were nearby. This adventurer could have captured and ransomed me. Or at least extorted me. Both of us knew it. But I was escorted safely to the palace. Tell me, captain, would an agent of the Dominion do that?
...
If it was to gain my confidence, then it succeeded. What could be achieved with my confidence that wouldn't be faster by capture? I don't think it's wise to invent machinations where there are none.
Besides, we are not wanting for other protectors. Fill the rest of my guard with staunch royalists if it will put you at ease.
...
Would you please consider it? Call it a personal favor. I want to travel with an adventurer. And I so rarely get to speak with citizens of the Dominion. It will provide valuable insight.
...
You will?! Thank you!
Well then, let us resume the--
...
Ah... yes. My punishment. How could I forget...
Allow me to have one final word then.
(Addressing the listener) Forgive me for speaking on your behalf. And for forcing you to endure so much suspicion and doubt. I hope employment is a suitable reward.
...
Think nothing of it! I was merely repaying the favor. And ensuring my caravan guards are as strong as possible. I hope that this act might win your trust, as you have won my trust.
...
It will be a long journey to the summit. I hope we can get better acquainted during that time.
...
I'm overjoyed that the feeling is mutual!
Well... I will meet you on the day of our departure.
...
Yes, yes, I'm coming captain. Heavens forbid I'm reluctant to face discipline...

Okay guys grab a snack maybe some popcorn this is a long one, I just reaaaally need to get this off my chest. The things I want to talk about need context so here we go. Me and my bf have been dating for around 9 months. We met at work, instantly had crushes, a friend group at that workplace, etc. Most of us ending up quitting because the job was shit, but we kept in contact and I kept seeing my bf. One month after quitting, not even being together for two whole months, he broke up with me. The problem back then was that he felt that we had moved way too fast, felt presurred the moment he asked me to be his gf, and basically just felt like he wanted to be alone and didn't want to be with me. Which I found was true because we met in june and became a couple in august, I had also felt a weird pressure in the air to say yes when he asked. It was basically a what are we conversation but it felt rushed.
We split up for an entire month, the whole duration of October, and we had both been seeing another person casually at that point.
in November we met up so I could give him his stuff back, we talked and we ended up kissing. I still had feelings for him. He told me he got a new job one block away from where I lived, and not even 1 week after seeing me he texted me saying that he missed me and wanted to be near me.
We started seeing each other again, he claimed he was upset and in a bad place and that he was projecting it onto our relationship; we start slow as things were uncertain, still feeling things out etc. He had asked me for exclusivity (we both stopped seeing the other people as soon as we started seeing each other again) which I had no problem with as I don't date multiple people at the same time!
In December on Christmas day he asked me to be his gf again. From there on comes months full of love, summer vacation (where I live) we had a blast, and we just genuinely love each other. I have always been a romantic and I've never met someone as romantic and loving as I am, let alone a man!
He has a small frame, a pretty girl face, long curly hair, we always joke that he's a twink stereotype. So this is my problem and this is what I don't understand, how someone can act so in love or maybe even fake it as good as he has been able to? He's extremely loyal I know he doesn't cheat as we go through each other's phones and have each other's passwords etc he is demisexual so when he is single he only sleeps with people he is comfortable with/has been seeing for a while, etc.
The problems we have been having personally in the relationship lately is the fact that we spend a lot of time with eachother, like he stays at my place days at a time. He lives with his friends that he's known for a long time, and I live alone.
He has been getting upset about this, expressing it to me that he wants to be able to spend more time at his house with his friends, and practing the guitar as it is his dream to make music! And I completely agreed with everything he said, and I of course want the same things for him as it is not healthy to give someone 100% of your energy and time!
So I personally feel that this is the real underlying issue to our problems at this time. We also don't have any jobs, I spend a lot of time at home because of this and the fact that I have basically no/few friends in this city that I moved to. I'm aware of my unhealthy/depressed living at this point in time and how I focus on our relationship a lot and I'm personally trying to work on it lol.
But everything else is amazing, we are constantly laughing, smiling, we have good sex/we are both good in bed, we have different personal tastes but we both like/respect a lot of the things the other likes as his music taste/hobbies I find to be really cool! and I know he has interest in mine as well, we are both different as I talk a lot, have a lot of energy, am super expressive/have more emotional inteligence and he is more stoic, is super honest about how he feels about things, is kind of out of it/not paying attetion to things around him, he likes to crack a lot of jokes and has trouble being serious (?
I also have some jealousy/controlling issues, and I have a tendency to get upset/bothered over small and stupid things, but I am self aware about my personal problems that I bring to the relationship and he is aware of his own flaws and we both try our best when working on them for eachother (?
So yesterday, his 21st birthday, we got to my house after being out all day. He was going to spend the night, and I had been upset earlier in the day because he had changed some plans that we made.
We planned to celebrate his birthday just us two on a Friday, which would have been today. So I don't know at what point this had happened but not long after getting home he started asking me if I wanted him to leave (idk I was quiet chilling looking at tiktok?) and I started to joke and say yeah please I don't want u here, yeah yeah leave. And then I started laughing and he said oh but I think I'm gonna leave anyways because I want to be there before my friend arrives.
Here is also a part where I don't know if I'm in the wrong or not? Because I understand how he misses his friends and this particular friend was coming to visit from far away and that is the reason why he was canceling on me, like I want to have a balance of being able to respect his need to spend time with friends but also I just personally feel disrespected when I make plans with someone and then they blow me off to do something else? You guys can give me some insight on whether or not I should try and let something like that go or at least be more understanding(?
Anyways I got upset when he said he was leaving because he had already canceled our plans to go out to a museum/have dinner together. I thought that at least he would stay the night before leaving the next day, as he said that was what he was going to do.
So I started a rant, I got frustrated and starting talking fast about why I was upset. (we never yell at eachother, not are we aggressive when we fight) Basically that turned into me saying I don't know if I want to continue the relationship.
Which I immediately regretted and apologized, and started to calm myself and explain that I just felt frustrated, and that he wasn't hearing me, etc. He got quiet and upset, said that he felt that he wasn't enough for me and I comforted him and said that I didn't mean it like that.
An underlying issue had arrived of when we have discussions he would kind of shut off/and not know how to connect with me after a fight(? So that had been mentioned and he felt upset that he wasn't able to give me the same emotional comfort that I give him.
He then started saying that he has doubts about being with me, a lot of hard truths were mentioned as I said he is really honest and says things without filter. We then started a back and forth with this that lasted hours, him contemplating breaking up with me, me asking him if that's really how he feels and if he truly doesn't love me anymore, at first he wouldn't answer.
He says I don't know a lot, I feel this is because he doesn't really understand his own emotions a lot of the time so I usually try to help him by asking more questions and trying to see if we can understand the difficult emotions together.
After a while of doing this he was basically convinced that he didn't want to be with me, and I got tired of doing all the work in the conversation and just said leave me if that's what you really want.
He was basically saying that it would be hard, but he felt like he wanted to be single and try and understand his own personal problems, then he confessed he thought about being with other people, and at one point after a couple of hours he confessed that he thought about the girl he had been seeing in the time we were apart, said that he watches her Instagram stories on a separate account, and then admitted that he said that because he wanted me to be the one to break up with him and not the other way around.
I confessed right back that I do the same with the person I was seeing, and that I believe it is a normal human thing that happens. I think about the 80/20 theory at times like these and I realize I'm just looking for the 20% that I don't get out of the relationship/the mind creating these false narratives that another person would make you happy etc and I explained that it's not realistic.
He said he doesn't want to be with her but she had been watching his Instagram stories some times and he had liked that attention that he was getting from her. And my situation was similar as the boy I saw would tweet about me from time to time, I also think it's a normal human thing to crave attention from others and I don't think it's bad as long as you don't do anything rash, lmao I know this is all super messy a girl is going through it!!!
At this point I was furious with the whole situation, and how tedious everything was becoming. Like we literally started at around 8:30 pm and he left at 11:40 pm.
Basically him pointing out all the negatives, that he thought about leaving me from time to time, and said that it happened to him in his previous relationship too. I personally think these thoughts are normal, as it is not realistic to be able to love someone and give them not even your 80% all the time as I personally believe love and any kind of relationships they are personal choices and with long term relationships when honeymoon phase dies down you have to choose that love.
After me confessing that I also thought about another person romantically and us going back and forth some more I got tired and I just said do you love me or not it's that simple.
He said he did, and started apologizing and saying that everything I was saying made sense to him, he said that he had gotton stuck on that thought and was being stubborn about it and that he wanted for us to work on the problems that we have and make more time for our personal lives etc. I started crying as I had been acting tough for a long time throughout the conversation and I just started sobbing in his arms as he held me repeated that he was so sorry and that he loved me.
When I tell you guys that these things come out of the blue with him I don't even know how to describe it. I know he has a hard time expressing his feelings and his emotions to me and that most of the time he doesn't even understand them himself. And I tell him that he always has a safe space with me to express whatever he is feeling, I just know and believe that this is not even close to being the way to go about something like that LMAO.
So here I am, upset and just perplexed about the whole thing; because truly I can out express enough how much love this guy shows me and how I feel worshipped (?
So basically I'm asking myself now like what the fuck? Like in my mind this relationship is basically over or at least it's really hard to go about this especially with his communication skills. I have a really hard time letting people go, as I don't have a lot of superficial relationships and I tend to create really deep bonds with the people in my life. I've always been a let's talk about it and validate each other's feelings and experiences kind of things when I go through disagreements.
I don't know how I can feel validated after I feel like my heart was broken like this and he's shattered this image of love I thought we had. I feel so unimportant and just dismissed.
I'd really like just some general advice about the situation, and the relationship. We are both young and our personalities are also kind of child like so I also find the whole thing kind of immature (? But idk please I need a different perspective about the whole thing. Thanks for reading!

So my partner and I are in a long distance relationship and our 2yr anniv is around the corner, yet I’ve lost my trust in them emotionally and have noticed myself checking out of the relationship for the past few months.
Some context for our relationship, we never seemed to have a honeymoon phase and were very madly in love for almost the entirety of the relationship. All of our friends view us as the pinnacle of what a good relationship should be, and say we are the ideal version of a happy couple so if we were to break up romance would be proven to be dead. On top of us being friends for 4yrs prior to dating, everything was easy and fantastic, and we never have had a single fight due to excellent communication.
There were a few minor red flags in the beginning, like saying if we were to break up that it would have to be me to initiate it, or that anytime I would set a boundary or express my hurt over something my partner had done, they never came to me with any relationship issues leading me to believe I was crazy and too high maintenance (if they’re so happy, why aren’t I?) until they would later have a meltdown. But overall, it wasn’t anything more than smaller things that kind of bothered me for a while.
However, as things started to get more serious and we had talks of potentially moving in together or at least visiting, things started to go downhill on my side. It felt like my feelings were being pushed to the side, and despite my efforts to maintain the clear communication we had, I found myself unwilling to speak on anything serious since nearly every time it turned into me comforting them and their tears before I could really feel or process my thoughts after our talks, as confrontation is their weak point and would cry after any time I expressed displeasure with something in the relationship.
Everything could be worked past, and aside from the crying—despite them saying they would work on that and wait to ask for reassurance-it was fine. Until these promises started to become more and more empty and they’d revert back to old habits with the reasoning of “I just love you so much, I can’t help myself”. Recently, I sat down and told them I really had been contemplating breaking up with them and for the first time we had a really heated conversation, but decided to stick it out and work on ourselves and each other now that all the grievances had been put forward on both sides.
Now, the distrust comes in when not even a week after we have this agreement to be more open with our emotions and communicate better, my partner expects me to act like nothing happened and to be as lovey dovey as I was before and instead lurks in shared chats where I made plans to hangout and do some work with some friends only to aggressively come to me right at the hangout time and cause a huge fight where they throw all of my words from our initial talk in my face and make it seem like me talking to them is a chore and that’d I’d rather just do what I want instead of talk to them when they’re short and irritated with me.
It seems very small, but it felt like a huge breech of trust especially considering how understanding and pleasant things were for years prior and our VERY recent talk where we said we would be more open and understanding so built up irritation didn’t occur. It’s been months and yet I still find myself nervous to talk about lots of things involving myself or make plans with friends where they can see, and the relationship has been really fractured since then.
Everyone in my life is telling me I’m better off leaving them (for various issues that would make this way longer than it is), but I’m really struggling and hesitant. As a friend they are fantastic and we get along very well, and I worry they will have a drastic reaction should anything happen, and selfishly I don’t want to hurt the friendship.
Is there anything I can do to try and rebuild trust with my partner and feel less dread, or are things already too far gone? This is my second serious relationship, so I’m lost.
TL;DR: My (21nb) partner (23nb) broke my trust and misconstrued and threw my words against me in a fight after monitoring my actions online, I’m starting to check out of the relationship again because of it. Is there a way to fix how I feel?

This happened today and I've been feeling really down about it.
So, I'm 19 turning 20 this year and came out as gay when I was 13 years old. Majority of my family accepted me, which is something I am truly grateful for as I know not many people have been as lucky.
I've always been more feminine and into makeup, which is something my family knows with no problem (kinda?). Anyway, yesterday I did my makeup and felt really good about the way it turned out, so I threw on an old crop top I had and took a couple of photos.
I decided to post a photo of me infront of my mirror on my whatsapp status with an admittedly cringy caption. It literally just said "got the boys thirsty" with a water emoji. The photo was something that only my friends and some select family members around my age were supposed to see.
Not because it was anything inappropriate, but just because i wouldn't be comfortable with older family members seeing it.
I got some compliments from friends and family and left it at that. Then today, somehow my older cousin managed to see the photo (he's in his mid to late thirties) and called my grandmother, who I currently live with.
I didn't know about this until he called me, where he started the conversation talking about how he accepts and loves me for being gay, but the photo I posted on my statuts was wrong and that I would be sending the wrong message and attracting the wrong boys (what boys? Its on my whatsapp status where it's literally just close friends and family).
I was kinda shocked and didn't really know what to say, so I kept on answering "okay" to everything he said.
He went on to say that what I posted wasn't right and that I need to be respectable. We ended the call shortly after and my grandmother called me into her room.
She proceeded to tell me that what I posted was disgusting and made me look cheap. She went on to say that it made her angry to think that i had no respect for myself with what I posted and that it's similar to what a "prostitute" would post. (Her words. This is also something she has said to me about three years ago.)
After all that, she then goes on to say that no, the photo looks nice and that it's okay for me to post my makeup, but that the caption of it made me look trashy. She then said that I should be happy that my cousin saw the photo and not her other sister who is notoriously homophobic. She also told me that my cousin showed the photo to his wife and his mother.
I was just so blindsided about the whole thing. I've struggled with my self esteem before, and the one time that I actually feel really good about myself, my family reacts this way?
I felt so embarrassed and whole other whirlwind of emotions. I genuinely felt like I did something wrong that has somehow tarnished the image some members of my family have of me. I've never done anything to make them question me or any decisions that I make, I've never given them any reason to think that I would be a person who intentionally makes decisions that would be harmful to my being.
But the way they reacted to this made it seem like i did something extremely harmful to myself.
I'm also angry at my cousin. He's usually always the jokester of the family and someone who i genuinely have fun with. We've drank before (I live in south africa where the legal drinking age is 18) and it just makes me feel like he views me as mature enough to drink with, but not mature enough to call me and talk to me about something he had an issue with first but instead runs to my grandmother and shows her everything before talking to me?
I'm posting this here to vent a little as its been bothering me the whole day, but also to ask if im acting immaturely about this. Is what I posted really that bad? It was just me in makeup and a crop top, nothing explicit.
TL:DR my family saw a photo I posted of me in makeup and a crop top and made it seem like I had no respect for myself.

I'm pretty sure I'm making the best move but just want to get a bit of feedback. I work for a private company and have been there 12 years. Great people, culture and overall, a great place to work. The company was sold to and investing group a few years back and it was fine for the first year. When the company was not as profitable as projected, they closed down 2 offices and let some people go and forced previous owner (my old boss) to retire.
I now have a job offer from a local city government for a bit less, but benefits are better. I have never worked for a city or government before and not sure if it's the best move. I am 38.
Current Role - IT Manager at a private company in CA.
The Good

• $145k a year.
• $8k yearly bonus.
• 120 hours of PTO. This includes personal time and sick time.
• A ton of freedom, come and go as a please. Work remote when I have to.
• Manage 1 helpdesk employee.
• Been here 14 years.
• I am crucial to the operations, job feels secure.
• I love what I do, it's a challenge and I enjoy it.
• 15 minutes or less drive form home.
• 8 holidays.
• M-F only. Will do some work on weekends if needed but it's rare.
• Lunch is not timed. Can take as long as needed most of the time.
• Good support form management on purchasing and budgeting.

The Bad

• Pay about $250 a month for health insurance, dental, life and vision just for me. If I add my wife and kids, it'll be more like $1,000 a month. Don't need to add them now but might in the future.
• Company was sold to an investment firm that has closed down 2 offices (out of 10) and laid off some people. Company not as profitable as the investment firm believed it to be but they are investing $ to build it up.
• Inviting group will likely sell company in 5-7 years.
• 401 matching at 50% up to 4% of salary. This has been paused for now by new owners.
• implemented a hiring freeze and raise freeze for about a year.
• Have an uneasy feeling with the current state.
• Getting assigned new projects that I had no say in.
• Previous owner and a lot of the people who helped build up the company are now gone.

City Job - IT Manager for a local city
The Good

• 140k a year.
• Pension plan at 2% @ 62. With survivor benefits. Vested @ 5 years. Pay 7.5% in.
• 100 hours of sick time a year
• 50 hours of admin leave a year (not sure what this is)
• 80 of vacation a year for the first 5 years then it goes up.
• $5k a year towards my tuition. I am in school at the moment.
• 100% paid medical, dental, life and vision insurance for me and my entire family. Better providers.
• 4/10 schedule, M-Th. More time with my family.
• 12 holidays.
• No work on weekends.
• 457 program.
• Government job, I'm guessing this is very secure.
• 1 mile from home.
• Looks good on resume?
• Manage 1 helpdesk employee and service provider.

The bad

• A lot less freedom.
• 30-minute lunch.
• Budget might be a lot stricter.
• Older technology that will be needing long term support.
• Seems a lot less laidback.
• Will get bored maybe.
• Not sure if I'll have an office.
• Fear of the unknown.
• What if the city runs out of $?

Brought up the new offer to my new boss and he said he can offer me more $ to stay but didn't say how much more. Could give me a bigger bonus but didn't say how $. Planning on getting the 401k matching back in the future. Can get me involved in more projects and decision making, kind of sounds like more work for me. Mostly just left it for me to ask what I wanted.
I am leaning on the city job because the benefits are a lot better and the uncertainty with the new owners. I'm also thinking a couple of years in the city looks better on my resume than more years at my current job.

I (41m) have been working since I was 15, full time, when I was young and worked for my dad was 70-90 hour work weeks
I put myself through college and went to part time in my late 20 and graduated at 30, I worked about 50 hours a week during this time, my parents referred to it as part time 😂
Fast foward 10 years my wife and I have been married for 15 years together for 18
She never really worked or contributed to finance, was never one for house work or cooking either,
We have our wonderful son who is almost 3
Slightly on the spectrum, (very much like me I am told) loveable funny but can be a handful like any toddler
My wife is full time SAHM
I work from home most time
I am always made to feel like she is so over burdened and I don’t understand why,
I know it’s tough, but I don’t see how I can do any more and the more I am doing the more I feel it is not fair
She never cleans the house, ever, it is all on me,
She seldom makes any meals for me, only our son, I ask why and alway too busy
Often times she is on her phone as he plays
I stay home as she shops and goes to thrift stores for about 3 hours a few days in the work week and I have no problem working, doing a few chores, and taking care of him
I have been way burned out from working and quit my last job a year ago due to building stress
Took a few months off and went back to work
During this time I begged my wife and family for help, a plan of some kind so I could stay home care full time for our son and get my mental health in check
Nobody even offered a suggestion was met with literal silence
Didn’t get mad or angry just kept working
When I get criticism for being tired after work or not doing enough I have finally spoke up and said let’s just switch roles a while, we will cut back, get any job full time
She gets mad at this and is like want me to go work at Target???
I always respond with I don’t know, but a part time job won’t bring home but 20k a year
(I am at about 110k a year)
I ask for real planning or working together, she says she doesn’t know what to do
So I ask for more support around the house which is sometimes met with “I will do better” or “ I am not your maid”
As the years go by I just don’t understand why I am not worth helping??
I look through her perspective and I don’t think she is mean, or terrible, I honestley just think I am more driven, and she is I hate to say, a bit lazy
Sorry for the rant

One of the biggest daily pain points (besides toileting) I've been trying to solve for my parents is the fact that my mom continually shouts things at my dad... and he either can't hear her at all, or can only hear her well enough to know she's shouting something at him yet again. She shouts something louder, he gets frustrated because he's forced to stop whatever he was doing and walk across the house over to her, then she pours gasoline on the fire by accusing him of "not listening to her". At that point, he gets irate & reminds her for the {N+1}th time that he can't understand what she's saying when he's more than one room away because the house is noisy. She yells at him to stop yelling at her & starts to cry, and he storms out of the room in frustration. Stir, rinse, and repeat several dozen times per day.
I'm trying to arrange for my mom to see a psychologist (partly, to help her cope... partly, to try and teach her healthy & effective communication techniques and get her to appreciate that she's going to drive my dad insane if she doesn't at least occasionally respect his boundaries). There's not much I can do in the empathy department, but I can at least try to solve their technical problems (namely, inability to effectively communicate from opposite sides of the house).
Does anybody make a wireless communication system that's kind of a hybrid intercom+walkie-talkie that supports both VOX and PTT, with both standard headset jack and bluetooth, that can be worn on an armband or clipped to your pants (kind of like the ones used by bouncers at nightclubs), that primarily uses the local wi-fi network for communication?
I don't want one that uses a mobile phone network (or at least, one that needs a mobile phone network). Frankly, it would be pointless... their house is concrete with a metal roof in an area with poor mobile coverage to begin with, so it would always be using wifi anyway.
Ideally, I'd prefer one that works something like this (note: "transmitter" and "receiver" are roles, not discrete devices):

• Transmitter continually buffers mic audio into a 1-2 second ring buffer.
• Mother presses PTT button. Transmitter looks back into its audio buffer, finds the moment of silence before the user actually started talking prior to pressing it, then sends it over the wifi network to the receiver (or using multicast, to all receivers on the wifi network). In my fantasy universe, a LED on the transmitter turns red (visually indicating that it's busy delivering the message).
• Receiver begins receiving stream. It plays a notification tone, pauses a few hundred milliseconds, then plays the message. Meanwhile, the LED on the transmitter changes from red to yellow (indicating that the voice message just sent is presently being received). When it's finished, the transmitter's LED turns green.
• At that point, someone else can send a response message, or they can flip a switch and initiate realtime 2-way communication.
• The more I can make the system act like a wired intercom from my mom's perspective, and a VHF ham radio working through a repeater from my dad's perspective, the better it'll work for both of them.

Bullet point #1 is unlikely to exist, but would be really desirable if it did. My parents bought their first cordless phone sometime around 1980 and have used cordless phones almost exclusively for decades, and yet somehow, my mother has never quite grasped that there's a delay when hitting 'talk' (or, 40 years ago, flipping the switch to 'answer'). As much as I'd like to attribute it to old age... she's always been like that. Sigh.

(repost because I made an embarrassing mistake in the title)
I (21F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (20M) for 2 years. We are French, so this might be hard to explain for people who don’t live there, but both my boyfriend and I went to study in a CPGE, a selective 2 year long program you can enter after high school if you have good grades. During CPGE, you are supposed to study extremely hard and then take a competitive exam to get into France’s Grandes Écoles (« The Grandes écoles in France are extremely selective higher education establishments which admit students on the basis of competitive exams » according to WordReference). We also have selective and good Universities but I guess Grandes Écoles are seen as better on your resume. Anyway, I am one year older than my bf and when we met, I was in my last year of CPGE. I basically hated the highly competitive system and got so depressed I had to go on antidepressants. I didn’t study for the competitive exams because I just wanted to go to uni and be over with this part of my life. My boyfriend has a very different view on CPGE : he seems to like it and really wants to join a Grande École (let’s call them GE). He even repeated his second year of CPGE last September because he wasn’t accepted to the GE he wanted. I respected his decision even though I thought it was a bad idea. I have always encouraged him to make the decisions he wanted to make, but objectively, I can see he is really struggling. He is very bright and smart, but competitive exams are meant to be taken by people who are quick, effective, and who can handle stress. My bf works very slowly and even though he won’t admit it, he does seem quite depressed and anxious. It has taken a toll on our relationship : we can hardly see each other because he has to study all the time. He also refuses to allow me to sleep over at his place because me being there reminds him of all the work he has to get done and then he gets more stressed and starts acting coldly towards me. I have been patient because CPGE only last 2-3 years and I was also depressed and anxious when I was there myself. Now, I am getting my master’s degree in a good university, and I have regained my ability to study without getting anxious. I have been waiting for him to finish his CPGE so we can finally enjoy life together and be happy.
Right now, my boyfriend is taking his competitive exams. He finished the writing sections yesterday. He told me he failed even though he doesn’t have the results yet. I asked why he though that and he told me he hadn’t been studying for the last 2 months. To be honest, I don’t care if he goes to some prestigious school or not. But I know he does want to get into one and I want him to be happy. But knowing he hasn’t been studying for the last two months really pissed me off. I know he is depressed and stressed but I feel like I did my best to encourage him and motivate him to study with me, and it's annoying he refused my help every time only to fail by himself. I have been waiting for him and yet, he just abandoned studying after 3 years of « can’t see you, have to study » that kept us apart. Sometimes, it feels like I want him to achieve his dreams more than he does.
But here is what really made me mad. He told me he had applied to GE also through another route : by having to send a cover letter + recommendation + CV / resume. I thought it was such a good idea, better fitted for someone like him who likes to take his time and not rush through a timer. I asked him multiple times to send me his CV + cover letter so I could review them (I tend to be very good at making those and language is definitely my forte). He sent me his CV, we corrected it together, and today he sent me his cover letter. It was full of awkward phrases and stuff so I took time out of my studying schedule to tell him how to make it better and was very happy I could finally be of help. Then, he told me that actually, he had already sent his version of the cover letter yesterday night, so he couldn’t change it anymore. He told me he wrote it one hour before the deadline and asked a discord server of people who are in GE to help him write it. He never mentioned it to me last night, and I wasn’t busy whatsoever.
It’s hard to explain but I feel betrayed and I am really mad at him. II feel like he is purposefully screwing up his life and I don’t understand why. I keep offering him support and help and he keeps denying it or takes it when it’s too late. I also feel like he doesn't take anything seriously, including myself : he asks my advice, I take some time off even though I am very busy with my master's thesis, read his letter and write out huge paragraphs of text to help him. He then proceeds to say "Thank you so much, I will change my letter." and then "Nevermind, I was joking, I already sent it yesterday night.". I am annoyed that he is not taking his future seriously, and that I am more invested into it than he is. It’s annoying that he made me wait for 2 years because he wanted to go into a top tier GE, but now, he is screwing up everything almost on purpose, with apparently, no backup plan. I feel like I have been waiting for nothing, he didn’t have to retake a year if it was to just slack off and fail his exams. Also, if he gets mediocre results, it also means we probably won't be able to live in the same city anymore (top GE are in Paris, where I live), and our relationship wil go long-distance. I already told him muliple times that I would'nt like this, but apparently, studying hard for his own future and for the future of his relationship is not a prioirty of his.
I am sorry if I sound bitter, I know I shouldn’t make it about me, and I want to be sad for him, and to comfort him, but to be fair, I’m not even sure I can right now. I want to help him improve, not to watch him act like an idiot. When I ask him why he doesn’t study he says « because I’m a dummy ». I’m starting to find him pathetic and I hate that. I love him, but it’s hard to respect him when he doesn’t even try. It’s exhausting having to always worry about him, but at the same time, I feel like a huge AH. He is obviously suffering, and yet, I am mad at him.
Tldr : my boyfriend failed his competitive exams because he hasn’t been studying for 2 months even though it has been 2 years of not being able to see each other that frequently because he « had to study ». I keep offering my help and trying to motivate him to study with me but he turns me down all the time. I feel more invested in his dream than he is. I am mad at him for not putting more effort into his dream, and don’t know what to do about this whole situation.

Watching Finn on YouTube I somehow started to feel my disphoria again, it's weird how my mind works, being trans apparently doesn't go away, it kinda haunts me like a ghost of my old self(especially cuz I can wear bras and I'm not allowed, I have 190cm under bust and 123 cm bust without any hrt)
https://youtu.be/YO_FgH9kfKo?si=OD9SGOOktgVaOzG3
At the moment I'm forcefully including a lot of phyto estrogens in my food(soy, soy sauce, flaxseeds, cheese, mint tea) and I want to ask how much would this help in slowing down my testosterone? I'm also walking extremely long distances (read that It could help) , I also want to buy supliments(red clover and peonroot and licorice roots..) to try to give my body more phyto estrogens to get to 100C bras
I was denied by parents to go MTF at 19, they promised me that they'd kick me out + disown me if I were to transgender and I shut up ever since, having no choice I stood silent, shaving myself and doing makeup(kinda celebrating my persona sometimes)
, but we're not in 2019 anymore and I've gotten better at makeup(at university one girl told me that she couldn't even notice I was wearing makeup unless I told her lol), and I started to invest in shaving creams
I kinda messed up my track cuz I wanted to do computer science and I went with another track so... I have to try computer science again (that's 3 more yrs of staying with my parents, smh)
Is there a way I'd be able to slow down my testosterone in these 3 yrs, kinda to give me some small gradual breast growth?
Idk if I can start hrt (I really doubt it, since there's no way I can go to a medic without everyone noticing)
I was recommended lenzetto by someone, but I'd need a prescription for that, which means going to doctors, can't really find it in Romania without prescription
I'm going next week to get bra fitted(shaved my whole chest for it, it's soft now xD)
Thanks for answering+ reading ♥️

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Revenge of the raven curse love spell is a mazing spell towards recapturing love. For most breakups and separation to come up there is always a jealous perpetrator that injects toxic lies to your partner until the love fades away. In this way you should never allow this person to walk away without a fight. Revenge of the raven curse spells will make any intruder taste their own medicine.
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This is a very complicated and complex situation and idk what to do. Key word: For. She’s willing to put me behind bars for this 20 year old fucking boy to get his fucking satisfaction. My Nmom has always chosen men over her family so there’s def some sort of daddy issues going on and im not suprised to see her teaming up with my nex to our me behind bars. I don’t even know why she would HELP him. My own mother. Assisting a man who’s abused me for the last 5 decades of my life, after knowing all of the things he’s said and done to me, after seeing me cry in pain from the pain HE caused me. He basically painted a picture of me being the bad guy claiming he “fears for his life.” And coming to my Nmom for “help.” When all he wants to do is to ruin my life, thats what he was always after. Theyre both narcissists I automatically loose. I don’t have a real mother. I was just born to a narcissist who pretends to be a mother and will throw me under the bus if she doesn’t get what she wants, attention. My nex is giving my Nmom attention and supply, she doesn’t care who gives it but he’s giving it and which is why she defends HIM over me. She’s chooses his side over me.
She’s willing to work with my abusive nex into bringing me down. My nex has always spited me, he was always jealous of me. My Nmom has only treated me as such if it meant she got what she wanted or didn’t. I’m their target. The worst thing about this is despite my exs covert abuse my Nmom can’t see it. She don’t even see abuse as abuse, she most likely believes I deserved the abuse from my ex in some way because I “did something wrong” because that’s how she sees her abuse towards me. Its absolutely fucked it. Here’s the terrible thing, my nex is a womanizer, plays around with dozens of women and has sex with hundreds. He doesn’t care who it is but he will persue it and i’m sure he would try to mingle with my Nmom in some type of way to hurt me or because of his own selfish nasty desire. And my Nmom being the cold hearted selfish person she is, I wouldn’t find it a shock for her to mingle with my nex too despite them being 30 years apart. My Nmom and nex would rub in my face that they “mingled.” In an effort to hurt me. She would shamelessly flirt with my nex instead of rejecting his effort because my Nmom is selfish and lonely. My Nmom type of mother to hook up with their daughters boyfriend and I wouldn’t be suprised if she was sexting with him.
Now that we got that out of the way here’s some context, i was in this long winded situationship with this guy who was toxic and abusive to me, in turn I became suffered from reactive abuse. I’ve said some mean things and didn’t hold back. I’m a person who wishes death to those who’s wronged me. I ofc stupidly made my wishes and desires very clear to my ex during a fight. I don’t necessarily beleive wishing a person death is abuse/a threat if they were the one who treated you wrong in the first place? But it’s still wrong nontheless and I essentially lost control of my emotions, let too much slip out. Safe to say I lost my ever loving mind and I will say 50% of it is pain from the pain my nparents had caused me. Based on my knowledge of knowing how they operate he wasn’t anything different compared to them. I’ve had entire fantasies of my ex dying…I told him (alll of it.) 😅🤦‍♀️ I was filled with so much anger and sadness and dispair because of him. I believed nothing would’ve been better but him off this planet yk?
I feel like wishing the demises of your abuser is somewhat/ or quite normal because these people did the most inhumane thing to us which we don’t deserve. I see narcissists as the scum from the bottom of my shoe so i beleive they should be treated as such. It’s as simple as that, also due to the fact that narcissists are most likely a product of their environment I said some things about their family as well as they were racist to me. I fucking hate racists. I had a lot to say to sum it up. His family and himself were disgusting people and yes I’ll be going to therapy. Anywho, he bullied me for years and I’ll admit it’s immature on my part to blow up. If anything he was trying to get me to react and create a “case” against me. I wanted the absolute worst for him, no crazy painful insane death, just death to him and his family. I was hurting, I was in pain and the only way I could react was by telling the very person who hurt me that I wish they where dead and I’d do it myself. NOT WISE AT ALL. I OBVIOUSLY I wasn’t going to actually commit a crime but I still said it regardless. sigh. I will be going to therapy because of this. In short, my nex threatened he will use what I said against me to get me arrested and he wants nothing to do with me because i’m crazy. He’s even admitted to me he knows what he’s doing and knows he’s toxic but doesn’t intend to changed he knows he mistreats me yet acts shocked when I want him byebye. I’m honesty scared of this man. He was able to manipulate the situation and come out as victim just for my Nmom to take his side, believe him and form alliances. If I was the mother I would’ve saw the signs and knew my daughter was reacting from the action. She takes whatever side benefits her.
I have nothing to benefit me legally because my nex has all the proof. His abuse is very covert and hidden , you’d have to read between the lines and know what to look for. He’s very crafty about how he abuses me to not leave a trail so i’m loosing at this one. My nex told me he wasn’t actually going to call the cops but he is advised to do it, he only did it to scare me. I’m not sure but i’m guessing into submission? I wish he didn’t get my Nmom into it cuz she’s having a hay day with the potential of getting rid of me simply because she’s not getting her way within the family. She never wanted what was best for me, she wasn’t the mother who was happy to see me walk across that stage for graduation, she was the mother who secretly wished her children to experience the worst things.
I honestly think going byebye myself is the better alternative.

Please refrain from commenting "move on", "don't look at what they're doing", "don't take them back" type of answers. I already heard it enough and i'm already focusing on myself a lot and improving in many aspects of life, i'm just curious what could be the outcome of the current situation. :)
My ex girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me at the end of February. She said that she needed to focus on her mental well being, and that I didn't treat her well enough, but all of that was just a cover-up for her to start dating a new guy. I had a strong feeling that this is going to be a rebound relationship, and looking into her attachment type, it further confirmed it (anxious preoccupied).
Unfortunately I begged her to stay for around one or two weeks before going into NC, but she texted me a week later because she was coming over for her stuff. We handed over eachother's belongings, and kept the conversation alive through chat (medium distance relationship). She told me during the meet that her and the guy had an arguement and they aren't talking anymore. We were texting, facetiming, etc. for around 2 weeks, but all of a sudden she turned cold and distant, and ultimately disappearing. During the talking time she basically said that she isn't ruling out us getting back together, time will tell what happens. Through mutual friends I found out that her and the other guy talked things through and resumed dating. From this point on every information I know is a secret in terms of, "I shouldn't know about it but my friends tell me anyway".
As time passed we have been in NC from the start of April up to this day. A few days ago my friend told me that her and the guy had another big arguement and it is serious this time, she is never giving him another chance. My friend also told me that she is asking about how i am, but also adding that she doesn't want anything from me.
I do know that she is stalking me but I didn't think much of it because most of her "stalking" activities were on Tiktok (liking my reposts, rewatching my videos), but a few weeks ago I saw that she liked one of my workouts on Strava (app which I use to log my workouts, we both downloaded it when we were together cause we did several activities together) which I find a bit of a reach since she had no other reason to be on that app, other then looking at what i'm doing.
My question is: what could all of this mean? Sure maybe she really doesn't want anything from me, but on the other hand I feel like she is somewhat reevaluating her options. It also looks almost too desperate of her to keep highlighting that she doesn't want everything from me. Since she is only talking to our mutual friends and she asks them to not share any information with me, I see no reason for her to keep telling them that, or she would simply not care/ask about me in the first place if she truly didn't wants anything from me.

I had an open myomectomy on April 26th (3 weeks ago). I was told by my doctor that an open procedure was better because she couldn't feel what she was doing using the laparoscopic method. Two days after the procedure I started bleeding vaginally and it finally just stopped on the 12th. The reason was never explained to me by my doctor after I told her so I don't know if it was from the procedure or a period and my birth control did nothing to stop it so I'm at a loss there. Either way, I went to the doctor on the 15th of May and was told that I was healing nicely by the nurse who checked me out. I was originally there to see my doctor, but I guess she sent the nurse to check my sutures instead because I got the go ahead from her.
Well, today I just noticed a tiny amount of pink blood when I went to the bathroom.You have to wipe to find it, but it's there. It's never pink, so that certainly caught my eye.
I have to be honest, I did feel aroused yesterday when I woke up. First time I've felt that sensation at all since the surgery so I was certainly surprised. I've been in too much pain since the procedure for my body to do anything besides hurt, especially since I had complications with my surgery that landed me back in the ER immediately after coming home for an extra week (My doctor sent me home without having a bowel movement first and I wasn't given anything at the hospital for gass and I supposidly developed something called an Ileus which progressed to kidney issues, severe vomiting and dehydration, and a complete loss of appetite. I was put on a no food order for 3 days which was torture.)
I'm not sexually active at all so I haven't engaged in any type of penetrate intercourse and wouldn't as I know that isn't advised from trying to find out more info online, so I know that isn't the issue since I didn't do that, but I don't know about how external stimulation could effect things (non penetrative masturbation or just generally being aroused). My doctor didn't tell me anything about, well, any of that at all in regards to what isn't and is fine to do. She said I can't lift anything over 10 pounds and to call her if the sutures bleed, but that's the only cautionary info I've been given. At any point. The rest I've found on this Reddit. But upon looking online I thought that might be the issue since I've heard people here before say that just having blood rush down there can cause spotting because it changes the shape of your muscles? Sorry if that's not the correct way to word that. That's just my general understanding of what I read.
I'm not in any kind of pain or anything, but I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. Should I be concerned?
Also, sorry if this confusing to read. It's 6 am here and my brain is struggling to work fully. I can't go to sleep but I'm not all the way awake, either.

So I found out I was dealing with GERDs some time around 2016 when I was having what I can describe as stomach pains/burning that felt like they went up to my esophagus, that sometimes made it difficult to breathe (not like life threatening but if I breathed wrong then...) and how I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. I was directed towards Omeprazole to get a handle on it but was warned that it risks the chance of cancer. I considered the options but eventually ended up taking over the counter omeprazole cuz I just couldn't handle the uncomfortable-ness of it.
Only got an official diagnosis after 2019 due to the COVID-19 pandemic opening up the availability of healthcare to more individuals like myself (I had state insurance and was told I was supposed to have it until 26 but then complications with ObamaCare happened that dropped it down to 18.), where up to this point I had not seen a doctor since sometime before 2014 and coming from the backwaters did I have no education on how Healthcare works.
From then I've started noticing more such as when I have GERDs and miss a dose, I suffer from diarrhea and upchucks that rarely do I accidentally inhale. During my sleep when this happens is the worst, it feels like I'm suffocating even after I've cleared it up because its still made some entry into my lungs entryways in which it feels like I still need to clear my throat to remove the bile when its not there, but its acidity damaged it. There's been more emphasis on nausea too.
Now here's where I get to the reason I made this post, because after dealing with some pretty bad relationships where stress caused my mental health to degrade and neglect taking my medicine, I'm finally back on the up and up and have been making sure to take my upgraded dose of 40mg (20mg twice a day or as needed).
So far, things were fine. Until half an hour ago I woke up with the same feeling of upchucking in my sleep and while I didn't go into suffocation, its still made its way into the entryway of my lungs and burns like the dickens. I've been doing some of my housemade remedies such as milk, peanut butter, some bread or cookie with combination of said two, steaming my passageways with a hot shower. All of this when water wont wash it away.
I've started getting back on it about two days ago so maybe its just my body taking time to readjust considering a good gap I've taken what little omeprazole I had left probably once every 4-5 days. (Providers changed and so did my drugstore when I moved, Walgreens still sucks.) So without any refills available at the moment, I had to take when it was truly bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. But I'd think considering I took 40mg yesterday that would be good, so why am I upchucking in my sleep still???
That's why I came to here, cuz it seems like there's quite a few posts where people have more things going on than just GERDs. I wanna gather some information to bring to my provider to see what we can do.
Anything helps, thanks

Greetings everyone, praying for a good day for you all!
As you can tell this is abit of a long one XD.
This happened over a year ago but it still haunts and torments me to this day, and is the first time I've told anyone else about it.
There's some context I believe that's necessary to better understand everything going on, going into this situation.
Have been having some issues at a board gaming group with a ex gf I met there.
Please don't take mine or her side. Don't harass, gaslight, insult or generally be cruel towards me about this XD. Have more then a lifetime of that don't want anymore. No one does. Don't assume you know how she's thinking or how I'm thinking, or who's right or wrong.
You don't know her, you don't know me, you weren't there for any of it. Do not assume.
I just want to find a peaceful solution to this problem and for her to stop antagonizing me, her actions cause me insane amounts of stress, anxiety, panic attacks. To the point where I almost have hypertension attacks, where my body goes numb, I can't breathe, and I die!! Horray!! :^D
Even typing this right now I'm having a panic/stress attack.
The amount of courage and energy it's taking me to type this and seek help is very painful.
She was someone I met through the boardgaming group.
I had just had a group of individuals spread sexual harassment gossip and rumors about me and get me kicked out of a Creator Space, another board gaming group and banned from a boardgaming store.
I walked in one day to play Gloomhaven as usual with 2 friends when the owner started yelling and screaming at me to leave the shop immediately or he was going to call the police to have me forcibely removed. I was not told ahead of time of my banning despite being on their discord and having spoken and seen their employees before on a few occasions.
Apparently one of the workers at the store was friends with someone who was accusing me of sexual harassment and spreading lies about me, and that I was silently banned from their discord and store without having been notified ahead of time.
Never once did the store owner or anyone else at the store contact me to get my side of the story before judging the situation.
I was guilty until proven innocent, which they didn't even give me the chance of proving my innocence.
Never had I been more abused or mistreated in my whole life then in that one moment.
Very humorously enough the only good person and friend I made from the Gloomhaven group when he listened to my side of the story believed me! Everyone who listened to me believed me while those who judged me without even talked to me didn't. Weird huh?
Sorry to go off on a tangent, but this is just background to me joining the new boardgaming group and the insane amount of depression and anxiety I was battling and currently still do.
I was insanely nervous and deeply depressed going into the new group, and terrified that news might spread and that I might get cruely kicked out of the new one which luckily did not happen.
It meets up in a church basement, and the fact that I can leave food and drink there, and that it isn't noise or loud or triggers my tinnitus or anxiety is great.
But some drama did occur around me on the discord related to other stuff that did make the "in" group of people dislike and have grudges against me!
So just a very tricky and complicated situation.
After our split up she now seems to antagonize me constantly if I happen to be there when she is there. In very passive aggressive ways.
After we split ways I was hoping to stay friends, but I don't know she herself comes from a abusive family background, with her parents being divorced and seeing different people among other things. One day I texted her a image of a Eclipse 2nd Dawn of the Galaxy supplement that had arrived at 6 or 7am and she blew up about it saying it was way too weird of a hour to message someone about this, despite her being the only person I've ever talked to that had a problem with this despite this being a very common thing for most people, and blocked my number.
Since then I've tried to be as loving and kind as possible not talking to her, avoiding eye contact, generally being as passive as I can. But that's still not enough for her.
I really believe she's trying to bully, cold shoulder me out of the boardgame group despite the fact I get along with almost everyone there and it's the only one that has worked for me.
There was a campaign I was with with her when we were playhing a campaign board game, and she would yell and strictly criticize any little mistake I would make in front of everyone all the time.
There was a time when there was some leftover food in the kitchen from a thanksgiving meal that I was given persmission to layout and share with everyone. I found some paper plates to use and she harshly yelled at me that we weren't allowed to use them. We only had styrofoam at that point and I was trying to find microwaveable plates to use. I went to someone else and asked if I could use the paper plates and he said totally. She was right there too, and she never apologized to me.
Good thing we had paper plates and people could heat their food!
Just the other night I was playing a game of Nemesis with some guys, and one of them happens to have the same name as me.
She came over and constantly just kept saying his name not differentiating between the two of us, despite the face she's called me by the same name multiple times. Continuing to ignore me and engage with everyone else there as if I don't exist. She knows how much it hurts me to say our exact names without differentiating.
It might not be a problem for some people, but for me it's very confusing and heart wrenching.
My Dad recommended we both get nicknames to make differentiating us easier and less painful.
I just don't want to create any more drama for anyone and the group, and maybe approach the other guy who shares a name with me about this issue.
Even he I feel can tell he's being thrown in the middle of something he has nothing to do with.
If anyone would have some kind, loving, empathetic advice I would greatly appreciate it. :^)

There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the state’s capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
“What’s the deal with the new guy?” I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
“He’s trouble, man,” he said in a crisp accent. “He got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims he’s been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and that’s why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I don’t know, I didn’t listen to the whole story.”
“You have his file?” I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
“Jeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
“History: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
“Psychiatrist’s note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
“Patient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poor…”
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
“She’s going to follow you,” he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
“Oh, great!” I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldn’t care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
“Well, I’m Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. It’s good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,” I said, giving her a faint smile.
“That’s exciting!” Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patient’s number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
“OK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan and…” I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardo’s Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldn’t see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
“Stay here,” I commanded, seeing Kaitlyn’s eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. “Don’t leave until I come back and say that it’s safe.” On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
“Doctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,” a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
“You don’t have to do this, man,” Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldn’t see what was happening, as Jeremiah’s large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardo’s back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardo’s body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
“Stay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,” Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
“Let’s talk about this,” I said, taking a step forward slowly. “You don’t want a murder charge, do you? You’ll never see the sky again.”
“I don’t give a fuck! I’m not afraid to die!” Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardo’s body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patients’ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
“You can come out,” a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. “I know you’re there.”
“Who’s there?” I called out, not stepping forward. “Show yourself.”
“As you wish…” the voice hissed. “But I think you’ll regret it.”
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
“Who are you?” I asked, taking a hesitant step back. “Where am I?”
“My name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,” he answered.
“Oh,” I said, my heart dropping. “Well, that’s not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?”
“So they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?” he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. “Of bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
“Indeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
“After the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
“Like Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
“His consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.”
Lucifer’s body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
“And yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything you’ve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but don’t be afraid.”
“How could I not be afraid?!” I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didn’t know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
“The siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,” he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. “Hell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.”
“How can Hell come and go?” I asked, confused. “Isn’t Hell a place?”
“Hell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,” Lucifer responded. “It eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.” He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
“What can I do against such a beast?” I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didn’t want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
“Seek divine wisdom,” he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. “Remember the source.”
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creature’s body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hell’s massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hell’s most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, “JESUS said, ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.’”
Now it read, “Nietzsche said, ‘Of all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.’” I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
“It’s right behind us!” she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. “Run! Get away!”
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The woman’s eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
“Come on, come on!” she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hell’s fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hell’s mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.
“Clear!” one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young woman’s hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
“Again!” another voice yelled.
“Clear!” the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
“It’s OK,” one of the doctors said, kneeling down. “You’re being taken to emergency surgery. You’ve lost a lot of blood.” I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each other’s, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
“Nnnn,” I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. “No…” The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, I’ll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, I’ll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I won’t wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.