Couldn’t post this on the original subreddit I wrote it for since it breaks their rules about discussing relationships, so I’m gonna post it here instead.
I, (18F) have recently gotten a job and made friends with a girl we will call Jessica (18F) who I recently started clubbing with. We’ve only been friends for about a month and she brings along quite a few long term friends when we go out.
Where it gets complicated is when her friend (18?M) was introduced to me last weekend. Let’s call him Sebastian. I thought he was attractive, but after she told me she was kind of crushing on him I decided I was definitely not going to make any moves on him. The only part that confused me was that same night is when she decided to fully drop her ex since she was still talking to him and trying to get back together up until that point. I don’t know if she’s over him fully even now since the breakup is really fresh and they were together for over a year from what I remember. Because of the situation with her ex, I didn’t think she liked Sebastian THAT much, just kind of thought he was hot that night. Even so, I wasn’t gonna make any moves since I had just met him and didn’t know anything about him yet.
Later that night, Jessica came up to me and looked kind of sad, but not in a very serious way. Like putting on a joke sad face like an, “Aw I’m so bummed!” kind of expression. She said that Sebastian told her he thought I was hot, but I reassured her that if I was his type then the chances of her being his type was high, and that I wasn’t interested anyways. Looking back, me and her don’t necessarily have the same style. I get branded as “emo” by the way I dress and do my makeup and she is kind of borderline alternative but nothing that would make her look out of place, she just doesn’t dress boring. Her and I are also both bi and joke flirted with each other for most of the night after that conversation. I am also the kind of person to make out with people at the club which I know is definitely not for everyone but I ended up getting with a few people that night, which 2 of them were seen by Sebastian when I was dancing with them, so I thought for sure he would lose interest and go for Jessica instead.
Everything was great with Jessica at work after this and we got even closer. Last night we went out again and predrank together, so we were flirting before we even left to go to the club. There were even more of her friends last night that came and I met another guy who we will call George (19???M) not exactly sure how old he is but still definitely in the age range of the group. He immediately took interest in me, but I think most people who were there noticed both him and Sebastian flirting with me. We were also all pretty drunk at this point. I ended up making out with Jessica in front of Sebastian and George MULTIPLE TIMES, but somehow everyone pieced it together that Jessica was crushing on Sebastian.
As the night went on, Sebastian and George were both talking to me more and more. I was definitely getting along very well with both of them but could see that Jessica was getting more and more distant. I also have autism and have been told by my friends that I have a very flirtatious personality, but I genuinely don’t always realise when I’m flirting because me trying to be nice can come across that way, which I know is a struggle for other autistic people I’ve met. I also don’t always know when someone is flirting with me. Let’s just say when I’m drunk my “flirtatious personality” is amplified by A LOT. Every time I was speaking with George, Jessica was encouraging me and asking me if I was interested, which I just replied, “I don’t know.” which was true. Another one of my autistic traits is struggling with knowing whether my feelings for others are platonic or romantic or even sexual. Half the time I genuinely have no clue how I feel about someone.
George’s flirting was also a lot more obvious than Sebastian’s. Me and Sebastian were mostly talking about Radiohead because we both listen to him, which I could tell made Jessica feel really jealous. That wasn’t my intention, I was just having a general conversation. George on the other hand was talking about how his type was emo girls and saying things like “I can fix her” to me. I think my flirting with Jessica was the most obvious since it was intentional and we were both flirting with each other. One of their mutual friends came up to Sebastian when him and I were talking and told him, “Jessica is getting really jealous.” This confused him heaps since I guess he was the only one who didn’t know she liked him. He asked why and I said “It’s because you’re talking to me.” I got super overwhelmed and felt like I had ruined the night for everyone so I got up from our table and stood off to the side trying to calm down. I called Jessica over and gave her a big hug asking if she was okay because she looked super down. She said she was genuinely fine and became all smiley again, so we all went back to the dance floor.
I saw a guy I had made out with a few times at this club and we started dancing together. We ended up making out again and when I went back to the group Jessica seemed to have cheered up. That was until Sebastian started talking to me and then after a bit she had moved away from me with the other girls and wouldn’t even look at me when I tried dancing with her or talking to her. When the place closed and we had to leave she didn’t speak to me once and left without saying bye to me. Sebastian was supposed to be going with her but she left him too, so Sebastian, George and I were all stood there and I felt so bad. I was so drunk at this point and just started freaking out. Both of them tried calming me down and asking what happened. I was still panicking and saying how Jessica hates me and will never speak to me again and I’ve ruined everything. The part I probably shouldn’t have said was that she’s gonna hate me forever because I think Sebastian’s hot and she thinks Sebastian’s hot but according to her Sebastian thinks him hot but also I think she’s hot and everyone’s hot so blah blah blah. Basically I just freaked out and was way too honest. They both reassured me it would be fine and she’d get over it in the morning and Sebastian said he’d fix it and give her a kiss or something.
Skip to today, I texted her when I woke up asking her how she was feeling and she was super dry which isn’t like her at all so I apologised saying I genuinely didn’t mean for any of it and again she was dry and stopped replying to me. Sebastian also messaged me saying it’s all fine and she’s talking to him like normal as if no issues happened, so now I know she’s just really upset with me. I honestly feel like a terrible person because even though nothing happened between me and Sebastian I feel like I completely ruined my friendship with Jessica and now I have to go to work tomorrow which she will probably ignore me at even though all I want to do is talk it through. I honestly feel like it’s all my fault so how do I mend our friendship?

My husband and I are in a headlock. We will both be reading the comments. My husband wrote the main bulk of this and I've read and added where I thought appropriate.
2021 I just started a new job, colleagues are great. Joined a gym to use lunch time. Getting fit, kicking goals at work. I mentioned to my new colleagues that I used to be a personal trainer and they're more than welcome to join me for a session. So one of the female colleagues took me up on the offer. She is objectively attractive (all my colleagues are objectively attractive) but I'm not attracted to them.
After work, I tell my wife about my day which included my gym session with this girl, let's call her C. (My edit: My wife was a Stay at home mum with 2 kids under 2 years old and didn't get much help from me or anyone else. She was isolated, dealing with body insecurities from the pregnancy and was at a low point mentally). After I tell my wife, she blows up and says "I don't want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues". This upset me as I was just sharing my day.
There's a bring a friend to gym day on Wednesdays so sometimes people take me up on my offer, sometimes not. Most of the time, it's just me. But eventually, H started coming with me and we would go to the gym together maybe 2-4 Wednesdays a month.
At some point I thought maybe I should mention it but I remember the blow up and C, and figured my interaction with H is purely professional, So no harm no foul. But again, objectively H is also an attractive female so I was definitely not keen to get shouted at again for telling my wife stories of going to the gym with my hot colleagues. So I actively decided to keep this a secret because I didn't want to deal with any negative reactions from her.
Anyway my wife found out after I had been gymming with H consistently for 1 year. And it became a big thing mostly because she felt I was actively hiding my relationship with H - which I was. (My edit: I've never heard the name H before, ever. I didn't even know there was a girl called H in his office).
This argument was more than 6 months ago and my wife and I eventually got over it. She has no issues with me going to the gym with girls or H as long as she feels that I will be open and honest with her and not gatekeep informatkon.
But we had an argument today because she was showing me a FB post of a husband who wrote a self-reflecting letter about his inappropriate relationship with a female co-worker. (We were laughing about it because it was so extreme) But She said jokingly "where's your letter to me about your inappropriate relationship?" I said I never had an inappropriate relationship because I never flirted or had an affair with the coworker but she said she still considers it an inappropriate relationship because I actively hid it from her.
I don't think my relationship with H was inappropriate at all.
Please chime in on this situation and help us resolve the argument.
Edit to add: my second was a newborn when the original blow up happened.

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

I first started noticing that something was wrong around 3 months ago. At the time, I was working from home and would usually light a scented candle while I worked, which usually helped me relax and stay focused on my work. I would usually burn through a candle a week, but over time, the candles started to take less time to fully burn up. At first, I thought that this was because of a change in ingredients the company that made the candles used, but the problem persisted after I switched candle brands, which I once again blamed on the candle manufacturers.
I kept this belief for another week until the first incident. While getting up from my computer desk, which faces away from the candle, to take a quick bathroom break, I caught a glimpse of the lit candle. A two-inch layer of molten wax rested on another three-inch layer of solid wax, the wicks rising out at first and being somewhat visible through the molten layer, finally breaking the surface and being slowly burned away. The flames flickered as I swung the door open and walked out of the room. When I returned 10 minutes later, the molten layer was gone, and the wicks had been shortened so that the flames rested right above the solid layer of the wax. At first, I thought that the glass jar that contained the candle was leaking, but after a short inspection, I was only able to find two small drops of candle wax that had solidified right next to the candle on the bedside table. I still had 2 hours of work left to do, but I was too lost in thought and was unable to do any work for the rest of the day.
Every night before I go to sleep, I like to read for at least 30 minutes, and while reading, I usually light a candle. Around 4 days later, I had mostly forgotten about the incident and went back to using candles. Due to my naivety, it returned.
I fell asleep while reading with a candle lit on my bedside table. I woke up to loud slurping noises. As I opened my eyes, the brightness of the light I had not turned off almost blinded me. As my eyes tried to readjust to the light and focus on what was in front of me, I saw a somewhat humanoid dark gray to light blue blur that contrasted with the white paint on the walls behind it. Another gray line stretched from the shape's head to the candle on my bedside table. I could feel my heart skip five consecutive beats. I opened my mouth and tried to force out a scream for help, but the pressure I applied to my throat was way beyond what it was able to handle, leading me to only produce a light wheezing sound. I tried to sit up or to at least prop myself up, but my muscles failed me. Trying to push myself up with my arms felt impossible. As I stared at the figure that had suddenly appeared in my room, my eyes finally managed to focus, making it possible for me to see the intruder who was now staring at me. The figure was a man at least 7 feet tall, fully naked; he looked bloated; his eyes were bloodshot and looked like they would pop out of their sockets; at any point, his skin was a grayish light blue.
HIS LIPS
His lips extended from his mouth like an elephant's trunk, which had been split in half. The lips extended from the man's face to the candle; the flames had been put out. He was using his lips as a makeshift straw, slowly sucking up all the molten wax from the candle, which had fully liquified while I was asleep. I laid in bed, unable to move, unable to scream for help, staring until he emptied the jar. His lips retracted back to his face, the molten wax solidifying on their tips and cracking, flakes of wax falling off the man's lips and falling to the floor. The man grinned, staring at me. The ridges and gaps between the teeth were filled in with wax, making it impossible to make out where one tooth ended and the next one began. The man opened the door he was standing next to, but instead of walking out of the room, he stepped behind it. His face peered at me from above the door, and then once again, like he had done to drink the wax, the man puckered his lips, which stretched from his mouth and floated to me. I shook and tried to roll over away from him. I wanted to get up and run, but my fear had taken over my body. Tears flowed from my eyes. He kissed me on the cheek, leaving flakes of wax and light moisture. He retracted his lips and lowered his head behind the door.
I don't remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, I saw the empty glass jar, which at one point contained the candle. Even though I had hoped that what had happened was a dream, it wasn't. I still had flakes of wax on my cheek, and on my bedroom floor, the wax in the jar had disappeared. I called the police, but they were unable to find anyone in my apartment; they also could not find any evidence of a break-in.
After the break-in, I started looking for a new apartment to move to, thinking that the man was tied to the building I was in, but even though I had thrown out all of my candles, I could not stomach spending another hour in my apartment, constantly looking over my shoulder or walking around with my back pressed up against the wall to not allow it to creep up on me. Thankfully, my friend Emma was able to let me stay over at her apartment while I looked for a new one for myself.
Me and Emma have been friends since we were 8, and we've been there to support each other when times get rough. This isn’t the first time I've had to stay over at her house for an extended amount of time; in fact, I have had to stay over at Emma’s as many times as she has had to stay over at my apartment, whether it was because of evictions after losing a job, breakups, or a candle wax drinking squatter. I didn't even know if it was human. I mean, sure, it looked like one, but human lips are not supposed to do what his did, and somehow it didn't have a reaction to molten wax being poured down its esophagus. I didn't tell Emma about what happened—the details at least—I just told her that a man had broken into my house and was watching me sleep. The only people I told the truth to were my therapist and the cops, and all of them disregarded what I told them as my mind making things up after a traumatic event.
For a while, I believed what they said—I mean, why wouldn’t I?—but then I started seeing him again. For a few days, I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me again like it had done during the night of the incident. For split seconds out of the corner of my eye, I would see the outline of a tall, bloated figure. At first, they were hours apart, but after a while, it became constant. He was standing in each room I passed, in every single dark corner I glanced past, and then he spoke.
“FeeD MeEeee”
It stood in the kitchen, peering over from a small gap between the fridge and the sink, where the trash can that had been knocked over onto its side usually stood. His voice was raspy, and every word that came out of his mouth was distorted as if he were gargling water, but still, I could somehow clearly make out each word he said from over 15 feet away.
“Please just leave me alone I… why are you following me?”
I shouted at the figure, the same fear that had taken over my body during the night I saw him for the first time paralyzing me, making it impossible for me to move anything other than my eyes, eyelids, and mouth.
“i’M sTarviNg, I nEEd You To FeEd ME”
It replied again. Now, stepping out from behind the fridge, he stepped directly onto a rotten banana. Its mushy brown content’s seeping out of the peel under the pressure of his decomposing foot, which was covered in scabs, and took up the same grayish light blue color as the rest of his body. He mostly looked the same; his bloodshot eyes bulged from their sockets, but now his tongue was swollen. It peeked out from between his bloated, cracked gray lips; it stared at me, waiting for an answer.
“Ok, I’ll.. I’ll feed you, but please just... leave me alone.”
I replied, the tone of my voice shifting into high-pitched squeals with every quick breath I took. He looked satisfied by my response. He somehow squeezed his bloated body back into the gap that was at least four times smaller than him. After peering over at me from above the fridge, he bent over backwards, his spine releasing a series of sickening cracks until he was fully obscured by the fridge, and then he vanished.
Still barely in control of my body, I limped over to the couch tucked away in the back corner of the living room, it took me at least 10 minutes to steady my breathing and 20 more to fully regain control of my body again but as soon as I did I ran out the house and to the nearest store, during the 15-minute walk he stared at me through dark windows and the backs of cars, peered out at me from gaps between leaves in the trees and bushes, he even followed me into the store staring at me from the middle of deserted isles before disappearing right before my eyes were able to fully catch him, once I finally got the candles I randomly picked four off of the shelves and rushed to the self checkout.
When I arrived home, I had 2 hours before Emma got off work. I didn't want to feed it while she was home, and I didn't want her to see it. I pulled out two of the candles from the black plastic bag and placed them on the kitchen table, the first a light blue candle named “Garden Rain” and the second a red candle named “Juicy Watermelon." I pulled out a lighter from one of the drawers Emma used after her stove stopped lighting on its own and lit each of the 6 wicks on the candles. As soon as I started seeing the wax melt under the heat of the burning wicks, I dropped the lighter onto the table next to the candles and ran out of the room. I could not stomach seeing that thing again; even just thinking about it made me shudder and hyperventilate. The paralyzing fear that seeing him caused me made me want to vomit.
At least 30 minutes later I started to hear it drink even though the living room and kitchen were separated by a wall, even though I had closed the door I could still hear what at first started as slurping sounds which were followed up by loud gulps, then it stopped, and once again 30 minutes later it started drinking, as the slurping started once again I heard the door to the apartment crack open, it was Emma, as she stepped through the door I saw her carrying two large brown paper bags of groceries in her hands, she was headed to the kitchen.
“Hey let me grab those for you”
I said running over to her, my voice shaking.
“Oh, thanks. Are you… okay, you look scared?”
My eyes shot wide open in a mixture of fear and surprise. I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Yeah just umm… I didn't expect you to come home so early and I got a bit spooked”
“shit sorry, I know I should have called you, work let me off early today,”
I started to turn away from her walking to the kitchen.
Trying to keep her away from the kitchen I told her to wait for me in the living room because I wanted to talk to her about something. I didn't know what I would talk to her about but that was a problem for future me to resolve, somehow it worked.
“What's that sound?”
She called out to me while walking towards the living room couch. It took me a few seconds to come up with an excuse.
“I think it’s the sink, or the pipes at least”
I opened the door to the kitchen with my eyes closed at first hesitant to look knowing what would be greeting me. slowly prying my eyes open I started to see its outline, my muscles started to lose strength as the details of the man came into my view, I felt the grocery bags start to slip from my arms, my knees buckled, face first I fell onto the kitchen floor scattering the groceries all over the floor, I mixture of a light scream and a yelp escaped from my mouth as my body made contact with the floor, Emma concerned for my safety ran into the kitchen, she didn't scream, using all of the strength and mobility I had left in my muscles I rolled over expecting to see her face drenched in terror, her body frozen still unable to move just like my body had done the first time that I saw him, but Emma looked concerned, the man was gone, she crouched down beside me.
“Oh my god are you ok? What happened?”
I looked around observing my surroundings.
“I um… I… I tripped on the little thing at the bottom of the doorframe”
I finally managed to blurt out another excuse, not being able to remember what the name of a door sill was. I started to sit up using a part of the energy that had returned to my body, pain pulsed through my chest and arms, Emma looked at me with a concerned face.
“You've been acting really weird since I got home, are you sure you're ok?”
“Yeah… I think I’m just having one of those days you know”
The confusion on Emma’s face said that she didn’t know and to be honest I didn't either, I guess my luck of pulling random excuses out of my ass ran out, Emma thought that she triggered some sort of PTSD response after barging into the house unannounced at first apologizing then trying to change the subject to stop my trembling which I was still unsuccessfully trying to hide from her.
“Did you buy candles?”
Emma asked picking the groceries apart from the garbage that spilled out the can that the man had knocked over, placing them on the table next to the now half-empty glass jars, the flames flickered above the inch or so of molten wax the man was unable to finish drinking.
“Yeah I’ve been struggling with work lately, they usually help me focus”
“Huh Interesting combination you’ve got going on here”
She looked at me and smiled slightly, I smiled back and chuckled to seem normal.
“Yeah even I don't know what I was trying to accomplish here, to be honest”
I tried to help Emma clean up the spilled groceries but she did not let me, she told me that I needed to recover like I had been in a car crash instead of having taken a little tumble. After a few seconds of silence, Emma spoke again.
“Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about earlier?”
A quick jolt of stress shot through my body, in a jumbled mess of lies and fear I had forgotten what I had told Emma, I sat there in silence for a few seconds unable to come up with an excuse
“I…umm… I don’t remember, it wasn't anything serious though”
“Damn did you hit your head too?”
She said once again proudly smiling at her joke.
At this point Emma picked up the last bag of potato chips from the floor and placed it on the table, then she opened the fridge and started loading the groceries into it.
“Anyway I gotta go get back to work’’
I blurted out after a few more seconds of awkward silence.
“Alright well good luck”
I walked over into the living room and sat down in front of my workstation, which now consisted of a laptop sitting on a small foldable TV tray that had just barely enough room left on it to fit a small USB mouse.
The last thing I remember, before I fell asleep, was me mindlessly scrolling through apartment listings while Emma watched a random 90’s horror movie I’m positive only had a budget of $500.
I woke up with a light stinging pain shooting through my dry throat, and a dim hissing sound caused by thousands of water drops striking the ground outside filled the room. I pressed the spacebar on my laptop, the brightness of the screen blinding me temporarily, after taking a few seconds to let my eyes readjust I managed to make out the time, 3:45 AM. A strong smell I was unable to make out the origin of assaulted my nostrils. Lavender.
The smell hitting my nose had the same effect on me that I would expect smelling salts would have on a weightlifter right before they set a world record. Before I knew it my legs were moving on their own at an almost uncontrollable pace, fighting back against my mind which was telling them to slow down after years of being used to navigating both mine and Emma’s apartment as steadily as possible to not bother the neighbors.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity I stood before Emma’s bedroom door, a faint, yellow, pulsating light radiated from a lamp and snuck out of a small gap between the door and the doorframe, reluctantly I pushed my left hand up against the door, my right hand grasping onto the door frame for a sense of stability, once the door was fully agape I scanned the inside of the room my heart skipping a beat for every humanoid shadow cast up onto the wall by the lights from the wicks which were set ablaze and were being slowly burnt away.
I walked into Emma’s room and made my way over to her bedside table to put out the candle, as I stepped closer towards her, her face became more defined, I could finally make out her features, she was awake, but no she could not have been, even though her eyes were wide open they never blinked, she didn't even move slightly, as I moved closer I finally managed to fully make out the expression of pure terror on her face, her mouth wide agape as if she was about to release a deafening screach, but she could not have, a single drop of solidified wax dribbled out of the corner of her mouth and clung to her cheek, my eyes traced the cream colored path back towards her mouth, first up her cheek then between the corner of her mouth and finally behind her teeth, there instead of her tongue or the roof of her mouth I saw a wall of wax which had filled in the entirety of her mouth.
I fell to my knees and hunched forward supporting my body weight with my arms, I was too late, I resisted the urge to vomit and got back up onto my feet, a mixture of tears and snot slid down my face and onto my lips, shaking now I slowly started limping over towards my phone which I had left on the couch next to where I had awoken just minutes before, just minutes before my life was destroyed because of my lies if I had just told Emma what I had gone through, if I had just told her what had happened on the night of the incident which now seemed trivial, even if she thought that I was crazy, I know that she would have complied just to make me feel comfortable.
It took me at least 30 seconds of repeated attempts to stabilize my hands enough to properly dial 911. “Someone broke into my apartment and hurt my friend” was the only reasonable explanation I could come up with that would not get the operator to hang up on me thinking that this was a prank call.
I sat there in the living room for an agonizing 10 minutes, crying, my sadness slowly transformed into anger towards myself, and my mind raced thinking of all the lies I’d told, I kept thinking that if I had just told her the truth she would not have been laying there in her bed, her body bloated, “every single orifice has signs of forced penetration and has been filled with what seems to be candle wax” is what was written on her autopsy report.
For a few days I was the main suspect in Emma’s murder, but due to the almost unstoppable crying and the unresponsive state that I was in when the police arrived, mixed with the lack of evidence of me having a way to produce 30 pounds of candle wax led to me being released out of police custody, but because I was the main suspect I was not told any details about what had fully happened to Emma, for days all I had to work off of was the image of her face frozen in terror, and a short glance I caught of her bloated body as she was being carted out on a stretcher.
I recounted every single word of our last conversations over and over again until they became permanently etched into my brain.
Emma’s parents originally wanted to cremate her, as that is what she had somewhat jokingly asked for whenever the topic of funerals came up, well she had joked about wanting to have had unpopped popcorn shoved down her throat before she was sent off to “scare the shit out of the guy cremating me” but due to all the wax which would have been impossible to get out of her body they were forced to bury her.
A few days before Emma’s funeral her body disappeared.
After Emma’s death, her parents took me into their home, after reading the autopsy reports and seeing her corpse they had thrown out every single candle they owned which made their home the safest choice I had, still, this did not stop me from buying a machete and keeping it under my bed, just in case.
I was laying on the bed in their guest bedroom The day that the police informed Emma’s parents about her disappearance, the bedroom is right above the front porch of the house, at first I heard them ring the doorbell which was followed up by 3 powerful knocks on the door, for about a minute I laid there on the bed listening to muffled voices exchanging distorted words I was barely able to make out which slowly transformed into distorted weeps, curious I lifted myself up from the bed, made my way over to the window and carefully lifted the bottom panel making Shure to not make too much noise, the distorted muffled sounds started forming into coherent words “We checked the security footage but the only strange thing we could see was a 5 second time jump” one of the officers spoke in a serious and almost monotone voice “which meant that the security guard who was the only person in the building had to climb down 2 flights of stairs walk through a 40 foot long hallway and then drag her body back up stairs and out of the building in 5 seconds” Emma’s mom let out yelp “ but don’t worry ma'am that’s actually good news because we know that her corpse is still somewhere within the building and was probably brought to the wrong floor by an intern, we’ve already warned all of the staff at the hospital to keep an eye out, and we also sent 5 officers to search the hospital”
I could not believe what I was hearing, my breathing quickened, but this time instead of fear I felt anger, that fucker stole her corpse and was probably in the weird separate plane of existence he always went back to after terrorizing me, cutting off chunks of her body, melting her, and drinking her.
I closed the window Emma’s mom's cries once again turned into a muffled rumble which was only possible to make out if you knew what to look for, I took a few steps back away from the window planning to lay back down, not wanting to bother Emma’s parents. I bumped into something, not something, someone, its fleshy towering form as solid as a wall sent me tumbling forward, I knew it was him, he had returned to take me too, to stretch his swollen cracked lips, push them down my esophagus, fill my lungs and stomach with wax. But despite all of that this time I was not scared, I was angry, and I was not going to stand there in terror like I had the last time I saw him.
I fell forward onto my knees my face missing the window sill just by mere inches, I put my hands onto the floor, lifted one of my knees, and rotated 180 degrees now facing the monster, to the right of him pushed up against the wall was the bed, light from the sun reflected off of the metallic button which kept my machete in it’s sheathe, the man started to stretch his lips, they were moving towards me, waving a wiggling through the air like a snake slithering towards me.
I dove towards the bed one of my feet pushing off of the floor and the other pushing against the wall which creaked under the pressure applied to it, I flew for a few moments before slamming down onto the carpet and sliding forward, the heat generated by my skin brushing against the carpet released a sharp stinging pain throughout my body, my outstretched arm landed just a few inches short of the machete, I quickly bent my arms, pushing my body up and crawled towards the machete. my fingers wrapped around the handle I spun around, my back pushed up against the bedside table, once again facing the man, he was still facing the window but his lips faced me and were just a few feet away from me, for what felt like minutes but was most likely no longer than a second, I struggled to hook my finger under the strap securing the machete into its sheath, as the lips inched towards me the man started producing gurgling noises, he was regurgitation wax.
I finally pulled the machete out of its sheath, I swung the blade at the man's lips, the blade was not met with any resistance as it sliced through the man’s lips which landed on the carpeted floor with an audible thud, the man did not have a physical reaction to my counter-attack, his lips kept creeping towards me, once again I slashed at the lips, still no reaction, I repeated this at least 3 more times.
I wanted to kill him, I wanted to take revenge for what he had done to Emma, but fighting back was pointless. I realized that no matter how much I tried to hurt it, I could not kill him, I could not get rid of him.
My rage dissipated and a mixture of fear and sadness crept in, and soon took over my body, I screamed for help, I screamed in fear, in agony, tears streamed down my face as the man's lips finally reached my face, he wasn’t met with any resistance as his lips snuck between mine, pried my jaw open and finally started to slide down my esophagus.
I heard the cops run up the stairs, they started banging on the door asking if I was okay only to have been met with muffled screams, hot wax started to pour down inside of me, the stinging pain of the heat made me want to plunge the machete which I had dropped onto the ground next to me into my stomach to create a gaping wound that the wax would hopefully funnel out of, the texture of the man's slippery, oily lips matched with the poison like flavor of the wax caused me to start gagging, I felt my insides bulging like at any moment my intestines would have been filled to the point where they would pop, I wanted to vomit, the drain myself of the filth I was filled with, but his lips had plugged my throat not allowing anything to get out.
Hearing my muffled screams the cops started kicking the door down, the man retracted his lips, the suction aided my attempts at cleansing my insides, I got onto my hands and knees streams of molten wax pouring out of me, solidifying on the the carpet, with another loud thud the door swung open slamming into the wall, the man was gone.
That’s the last thing I remember before I passed out, but according to one of the doctors who was in the ambulance that brought me to the hospital, I was still semi-responsive during the first 10 minutes of the ride to the hospital.
Approximately 13.4 pounds of wax were removed from my body, the doctors said that I was in a critical condition and some of them did not expect me to make it.
One of the officers who was there the day the man attacked me took a report of what had happened to me, due to the unmistakable evidence of what had happened to both me and Emma, and the fact that this was the 3rd instance of me reporting something like this the police finally started investigating who this man might have been.
Around a month later I was discharged from the hospital and once again have been staying in the living room of Emma’s parent's house.
I’ve been seeing the man again, candles were not allowed in the hospital I stayed at, which means that he’s probably very hungry, he’s close to attacking me again, I know it, he wants to finish what he started and I don't know if I have the power to fight back, I’m not sure if defeating him is even possible, I’m tired.
I’ve been seeing Emma too, her bloated, reanimated corpse often appears to be standing next to the man. If I let him take me will I get to join them? I’ve tried asking but they don’t answer, they just stare, I can’t keep living in constant fear, always looking over my shoulder, I miss Emma.

I(15M(do t know if underage posts are allowed but ok) had a confusing revelation today. I gotta give some background though. Basically till high school I didn’t have nearly any friends. I kept trying to form friendships with people that I was probably better off not being friends with. I changed my personality so much because I desperately tried to conform to other peoples views of a “good friend.” But being as socially AwKwArD as I am, still didn’t make many friends until I started acting immature and kind of let a personality that’s not me be me. I was so desperate to find someone that liked me for who I am(I didn’t even know who I really was at the time(still don’t really)) so I put myself out of my comfort zone at the time just to try to find someone outside of my family that actually loved me or even actively wanted to be around me. Every. Single. Time. I ended up making a fool out of myself, I fell for someone’s obvious lie about wanting to go out with me, I was laughed at for asking someone to a school dance in middle school. I thought that would all change in high school and it did but not in the way I hoped it would. I got some friends that I like but don’t really like me but rather just the part of me that I don’t know if is really a part of me or just my affliction to make friends(idk if that makes sense) and I even went to homecoming with someone freshman year(turned out to be a flop but what do you do?) I ended up making friends with more mature people like seniors in my robotics team thinking maybe these people I hold in high standard would be good for me to learn from but it just didn’t end up being as simple as just talking with them a bunch or liking what they liked. Thinking about all that’s happened over the last two-three years had made me realize two things: 1. I’ve been (and am) always in a state of feeling lonely 2. I don’t know if anyone will ever love me for who I am and not just this show I put on for all these people because I’m fed up with the pressure to have friends.
Alright the tmi is over. Today I went to my sisters’ play to help setup and do the cast party. Most of the cast is also my age. I chatted with a few of the fellow sophomores and finished eating and everything. At the end of the party, someone that I talked to for less than a minute came up to the group of people I was talking to(her friends) and told me I was hot. Now I later came to find out she says this to a lot of people as a joke, but when I found that out, a fellow sophomore said that I am attractive though. I by no means am attractive. I’m not really ugly just not the best looking(bushy eyebrows, other minor stuff) definitely below a 6/10. I realized at the time, it felt good, that was the single first compliment on ME, not my actions, that I had gotten in months if not years.
I’ve been thinking about this for the last few hours. This might seem desperate but I do really want a girlfriend, I’m not very picky and am already good friends with so many wonderful girls but don’t think I’m their type/like that to them.
TL;DR Semi-Unattractive teenager doesn’t know how tf to handle compliments. Unloads on Reddit about how down bad he is for someone to care about him more than just a text. I don’t know how to handle serious relationships with adhd and need help.
Obviously mods if I can’t post this the. Take it down but I’m in need!

Going to concerts.
Dancing at a party or a club.
Casually flirting with the gender you're attracted to.
Sex, fucking SEX!
And so much more.
Before you ask why I can't do these things. I live in an extremely strict, extremely religious country where these things don't really exist. I can't have sex until I'm married, I can't dance my ass off in a hot outfit at a club, or even flirt with a guy.
As for concerts, singers don't come here or any celebrities really as it's not allowed, my old classmate/friend had to book a flight to see her favourite artist perform. Which is not possible for me as I'm not rich 😭
I just really want to live life, I'm not the kind of person who would sit on a couch the whole party just people-watching. I'm usually the fun one, cracking jokes with my friends, I love music and dancing; life of the metaphorical party.
So I'm jealous of the people who can easily do these things. things that are so effortless to do for most people is impossible for me. It's accessible and normal to them, but I'm not sure I will even have a chance to experience it when I'm going to be living here my whole life.
Enjoy it on my behalf though! Dance your heart out, flirt, sing along at the concert of your favourite artist and more 😊

Throwaway because some of the people in this story know my real reddit.
I (25M) am married. My wife (28F) and I are separated, and will probably, eventually, divorce. She lives in the Midwest, I live in New York. She's close (geographically) to her parents, I'm an immigrant and all the people I love live so far away they may as well be on the moon. My likely soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a decently good relationship - there wasn't any big fighting before the split. She just didn't like me anymore. According to herself, she still cares a lot about me and wants to see me do well and be happy. She wants us to remain friends, but plainly I don't fucking want to. It makes me violently sick to my stomach to imagine myself bearing witness to the woman I loved getting together with some other dude, no matter how much she says she "doesn't think about it in terms of betteworse, just 'right' for her". This is important context.
I have a good career making alright money (enough to live on, at least - not many luxuries) in probably the most prestigious institution of its kind in the US. I graduated from a meh university in a field I never intended to work in. I'm not anything special at my job, just an office drone that occasionally plans events for my section of the company, but it's a hell of a thing to put on a resume. I don't have many friends here in NY outside of my cubicle buddy - lots of acquaintances that I make at the bar every time I go, because people love me when I'm wasted and funny, but nobody that stuck around after I stopped drinking for fitness reasons. I live in a tiny bedroom in an apartment shared with 4 people. I don't go out to save money. I occasionally engage with my hobby, which is scale models of military stuff, but lately I've had little will to do so. I spend close to 1/4 of my salary on a personal trainer, because I can't get the idea out of my head that my ex dumped me for not being hot enough, and I spend two hours every morning before work and three hours on Saturday at the gym, which is basically my main hobby right now. All this is to say, I'm a vain boring guy with no friends stuck in a shitty office job.
I wasn't like this when I was younger. I went to every party back in my hometown. Every time I visited on Spring Break or Summer people would fall over themselves to invite me to parties, when I left for college at 18 something like 200 people got together to burn an effigy of me as a big joke farewell. I was somebody. Every time I used to talk about this to my STB ex, she would get this look on her face like I was telling her I used to do heroin and crack. She's very proper, very ladylike, very respectable. I used to do keg-stands and break into abandoned water parks to smoke weed and graffiti the walls. I also come from a respectable family, so I had triple pressure between my parents and my sister and her to become an upstanding member of society. So now I don't do any of the shit that used to make me happy, and I'm no longer with the person who used to make me happy. It's not even like I can go back to doing that, either - my alcohol tolerance plummeted, I get bad hangovers since I turned 23, and I just don't really *feel* like it anymore.
My best friend back home and I were military otaku. We were always going off about how we'd join the French Foreign Legion together, or the Spanish Legion, or whatever mercenary army would take us. Back then I was out of shape so it was a pie in the sky dream, literally teenage bullshit. My best friend recently lost his long term girlfriend to leukemia, and he called me to tell me he's going to go enlist in the Spanish Legion. I knew he was telling me because he wants me to go with him. The way I am now I could absolutely crush the physical portion of enlistment and being that I have no criminal record and a college degree, the other requirements are taken care of. Absolute worst case scenario, this being the military, I get shot or blown up and die or end up disabled. Best case scenario, I survive the tour and get to live in Spain, with a nice climate, people of a familiar and less friendless culture, and lots of cultural things I like to do. Compared to here, even if I have no friends over there, I could at least go watch my favorite football team play on a regular basis.
Every time I've told my family that I want to go back home, they freak out, because they think I have the perfect life, making shitloads of money working in a super-prestigious office, helping the needy, in the "world capital", so I know that if they found out that I ditched all of that to go march around in tight green pants for a flag that isn't even mine they'd likely disown me. My stb ex-wife also would probably freak out. They all think I have such a great life, that this was all a great opportunity and that I'm living the dream, and yet I'm miserable and lonely and literally purposeless. I just wake up every Monday and go put in a shift at a place I couldn't give less of a shit about and go home to do nothing except play FIFA and chat with my guys on Discord. If I just fucking die over there, I don't have to see my ex build her life without me. I thought Midwest-New York would be enough miles. It isn't. If I leave, I would just get rid of all my devices and tell my friends back home to tell my sister, who would probably filter it to everyone. I want to just disappear and be unreachable so I don't have to hear about their happy lives ever again.
Would I be the asshole if I ditch this supposedly perfect life to follow my friend into the military of a country that isn't ours in a completely different continent? Would I be the asshole for rejecting the "opportunity" to live the way I live?

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

First I’ll (35F) acknowledge that on the disability spectrum I am quite privileged: I’m ambulatory, don’t need mobility aids, I make decent money so I can afford more supports, etc. However, I don’t see much in this sub on this topic and thought I could post some of my tips and experiences to open a discussion. I would love to learn about what others cope with and how they manage. While I do work in the disability sphere as an OT (occupational therapist), which helps me navigate, I’m by no means an expert on disability and travels.
I started solo traveling around 2017 after a breakup. Personally my biggest struggles are POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), fatigue, muscle tone / pain issues, and a previous brain injury / craniotomy. I take regular daily medications and use a CPAP. I used to joke that it isn’t a u/stinkspiritt solo trip if I don’t fall and face plant in public, but I think I’m breaking that streak (fingers crossed). Some things I like to do / started to do:

1. 3 Ps of Energy Conservation: Pace, Plan, Prioritize. This is an OT thing and most important for me. Try and space out my day with rest breaks and take naps if possible. Prioritize what is most important for me to do that day and what I’m ok with skipping if I start to feel poorly. Slow down! Actually I’m trash at that, but I’m working on trying not to do everything all at once.
   
2. Make sure my hotel is near public transit, or research good ways to get around that isn’t all walking. In Vietnam I loved their Uber motorbike app (can’t remember what it’s called).
   
3. Listen to my body, and not feel upset or disappointed when I need to rest. Rest is great. Additionally I try not to be hard on myself for not doing everything. I do what I can and I enjoy it.
   
4. Be mindful of my nutrition: I don’t know about you but I can get caught up in the excitement and suddenly it’s end of day and I only had breakfast. I also get a little queasy with travel so it’s easier for me to skip food. I’m in the habit of forcing myself to stop for food at regular times, which honestly brings my appetite right back. I also make sure to have plenty of water and started traveling with my stainless steel insulated water bottle.
   
5. If available I like to take a hot bath to soak the muscles. I was spoiled in Japan by picking up some epsom salt packs at the convenience stores.
   
6. I regularly do a yoga stretching program from a creator I follow on YouTube. I also try to add some of my PT exercises as well.
   
7. I started journaling lately to help me remember all of my experiences better.
   
8. I am trying to regularly bring my CPAP. Every trip I want to leave it, but it’s worth it I know. I cannot justify $1k for the mini travel CPAP, not yet at least.
   
9. Schedule some self care if possible: I got massages like every other day in Vietnam and Cambodia, got a manicure in Kyoto, etc. good way to force me to sit down.
   
10. Breathe: a good deep slow breath when feeling overwhelmed.
    

It seems like a ton of pre planning but I actually don’t plan much. I usually figure out my itinerary day of. Maybe I could do more if I planned ahead more, but also maybe I’d have more disappointment if I plan and that day I don’t feel well and can’t do it? Not sure.
Any other disabled travelers here? I would love to hear about what you do to adapt and where you’ve been able to visit!

As a kid I remember watching my cousin play through Sly 1 at his house, but never having the opportunity to play the games myself (we were a Nintendo house until we got a PS4). These past few weeks though I was able to finally play all four games through PS5 emulations (brave, I know. Dealt with a lot of streaming hiccups but I powered through!) and I just wanted to give my thoughts on each game as a new-ish fan of the series.
SLY 1
Highlights:

• The platforming levels are amazing as well as the atmosphere of each level
• The soundtrack is also very good (I think Mesa City has my favorite tracks)
• I actually like the levels where you get to drive the van/use the hovercraft (I'm honestly surprised future games didn't let you drive the van)

Low Points:

• I really don't like Bentley in this first game. He's kinda obnoxious here tbh (and his hacking mini-game at the end sucks)
• The boss fights aren't the greatest. Mz. Ruby would be fun if the music wasn't desynced, Panda King is a joke, Mugshot wasn't fun, and Clockwerk is okay but they needed to add a checkpoint at the end or something because I did not want to have to do that boss like 10 times before I beat him
• I HATE the one-hit life system. It's why I can't play Crash Bandicoot, it genuinely is not fun to me

SLY 2
Highlights:

• Getting to play as the entire gang is fun
• The open-world/mission structure is a lot better than the first game's design
• Probably the most consistent story of the four games

Low Points:

• Any section where I have to use a turret sucks. The final boss took me over an hour and I genuinely despise it, despite the story payoff.
• I didn't care much for Neyla tbh. Her just becoming Clockwerk at the end wasn't very interesting.
• THE. FREAKING. WATER. BUG. MISSION. That's all I have to say.

Sly 3
Highlights:

• Having this game basically be an Ocean's Eleven heist is a cool concept to follow up on the story of the second game
• The airplane and pirate ship are both surprisingly fun to use
• The Cooper Vault gauntlet is hands-down the peak of platforming in this series

Low Points:

• This might be the weakest story imo. None of the villains connect to each other, and Dr. M should have been built up to more instead of him just dumping his backstory on you at the end of the game
• Screw the dragon boss fight in the China level. That was not a fun experience at all
• There are too many mini-game sections here for my liking and not enough pure Sly gameplay compared to the other games.

SLY 4
Highlights:

• This is my favorite game in terms of visuals and music. It looks like a Saturday morning cartoon come to life and I love it
• The gameplay is also very fun, with everyone being fun to control and unique environments for each time period you visit. It's the only game I actually went out of my way to get all of the treasures in, that's how fun it was for me to play and run around the open worlds
• I like getting to meet the Cooper ancestors and how the villains are all tied together like the Klaww Gang was in Sly 2

Low Points:

• Motion controls on a PlayStation controller are not fun to use, so screw that ball hacking mini-game
• I like that everyone has a wheel of gadgets/costumes to switch between, but the mechanic to switch between them is too clunky for my taste. Loading in general is an issue (even if the PS5 mitigated that somewhat)
• The ending gauntlet level is amazing, but the final boss could have been more than just some QTEs (especially since Le Paradox being an evil foil to Sly was pretty cool in concept) and I will be forever salty that Sony didn't let the devs make Sly 5 or at least wrap up the story with DLC because that cliffhanger is a mean one to leave the series on

So overall, if I had to rank the games from best to worst, I think I'd put them as:
Sly 2, Sly 4, Sly 1, Sly 3
I've heard it's a "hot take" to enjoy Sly 4, but I honestly had a lot of fun with the game as much as Sly 2. The real TL;DR of this is that I'm now officially a fan of the Sly Cooper series, and Sony seriously needs to give us a new game already!

Quick summary: yes, it's cheap but heart and talent seemingly come cheap. My full review v
I've heard plenty about this non-equity Shrek tour, albeit AFTER I bought tickets because I saw the advertisement in my theater. I thought about getting a refund in the weeks before the show but in every review, I heard praise for the cast. Also, I've loved this musical for a while so I decided to take a risk and went today.
It was WELL worth it :D
To address the dragon in the room, yes, it's clear the budget wasn't high. If nothing else I say will convince you to try this show at the prices they're asking, you won't hurt my feelings finding another thread. I'll be clear that I hate that the cast and crew don't get pay much in a non-equity performance.
That said, the art direction was nice. I consider it akin to the 1st Toy Story, where the CGI is dated but the art direction still makes it nice to look at (not to mention the story and acting ;) ). There wasn't much in sets but what was there were nice, storybook-like structures and hangings. Nothing like Broadway's but the designers did what they could and succeeded.
I won't defend the Shrek make-up. I could see the edge of the bald cap from my seat (row P, orchestra section) while I can barely see the mesh ear holes in the proshot. That said, I do like the tour Shrek's proportions better; while it looked cool, I thought Broadway covered Brian d'Arcy James in too much padding and latex to make him look like the animated Shrek. You just need a bald head and the ears; Shrek's pretty distinctive :)
On that note, if you're not going with puppetry, it's hard to depict a lot of the characters in Shrek. The Broadway costumes DO look a lost better but the tour costumes did a good job to suggest their characters. Not exactly Tony-winning or Broadway caliber but serviceable (if I had unlimited power for a Shrek revival, comparisons to The Lion King would be apt; not a complete copy of LK's style but certainly puppet heavy like it).
Really, the only bad thing I can say about the tour is that there were a few moments where a cast member's mic isn't turned on in time for a lyric/line. That was annoying, especially during adult Fiona's big intro in "I Know It's Today." Otherwise, there were only a few moments where the mixing was off but it was overall good (and I don't think my theater has the best acoustics).
Now for the unabashedly good :D
The cast was phenomenal. If they agreed with this subreddit that the production was cheap, they didn't let that affect their performance (or it did and they worked harder to compensate). In particular, Nicholas Hambruch, Cecily Dionne Davis, and Naphtali Yaakov Curry as the main trio (Shrek, Fiona, & Donkey respectively) were excellent and up there with both their Broadway and animated counterparts (and the 1st tour that came years ago to the same theater, even if I don't remember their names). Everyone else was excellent. They sang, danced, and acted to the T and deserved every applause and laugh they got. I can't say enough.
Music was good. The six-person band did the show good (not sure if there were prerecorded tracks to make the music fuller). I didn't re-listen to the cast album as I like going to shows as fresh as I can so I can't judge between Broadway and tour arrangements but the tour did the score good.
It's also fun to see how the show evolved from the original version and proshot.
To those use "woke" the same way most people use "f", "s", or "autotune", the changes would drive them crazy. Quite frankly, the changes fit the show and does not hurt it. Heck, you'd only notice them if you're familiar with the proshot and cast album.
The most noticeable is that Farquaad is no longer short and the short jokes are gone. Turns out, Farquaad is still a campy, prima donna that's a hilarious parody of a typical dashing, brave prince. We lose his second song in favor of a brief reprise of "What's Up, Duloc" and his back story that's revealed there. I do miss it and the depth it gave him (even if it turned out to be bull-squirt at the end) but the show isn't really hurt by it.
Also, some songs have preludes with the ensemble acting as narrators/Greek chorus (I enjoy the fact that Shrek is the type of franchise where I have to clarify that I don't mean LITERALLY a Greek chorus :D). Doesn't really add much to the show but not bad changes. Them holding scenic elements does make some moments funnier, particularly the forest animals in "Morning Person" and flowers in "I Think I Got You Beat." The puppets used for the kid versions of Shrek and Fiona were pretty good too (and understandable if they're keeping costs down).
There's 2 lyric changes that I noticed (might be more but I'm not remembering) that were just as good as the original and only stood out because I've heard the cast album so many times. One is that the wolf is not called a hot & tranny mess but now mocked for his fashion sense dressing like a grandma. The other (I remember) is Shrek no longer calls Fiona fat during "When Words Fail" but gets flustered mentioning love. Like I said, more inclusive yet still keeping in spirit with the show.
A major change that I ADORE, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, is Shrek's participation in the "Freak Flag." Broadway's Shrek-less version isn't bad and I do miss "Build A Wall" but Shrek being a part of it means he gets to share in the fairytale creatures' epiphany of accepting yourself. Granted, the subtle approach of the film and Broadway production worked just as well but, if you're gonna make a big showstopper song out of the moral, it works really well including the main character.
We do lose "Don't Let Me Go" and "This Is How A Dream Comes True." It IS a little disappointing but, in fairness, I didn't realize until writing this review that "Don't Let Me Go" was missing and the reprise of "I Know It's Today" isn't a bad replacement (although I do wish "This Is How A Dream Comes True" was kept).
Also no "I'm A Believer" but, again, the tour's budget likely precluded it (being a song not written for the show and only ever used after the curtain call).
In summary, no, I can't defend paying normal tour prices for the less than Broadway/high school production value. However, if you can afford it, you get a production that keeps the Broadway production's heart and humor with updates that doesn't fundamentally change the show's DNA. I know it's disappointing Shrek isn't getting the budget it deserves but this tour proves Shrek is a strong enough show to survive a low budget with good actors/singers.
That said, at least the Broadway version exists as a proshot if my review wasn't persuasive :)
(Added some pics. Im not always comfortable posting my face online so please excuse the edits to my selfies. I think they improvements :P ;). The last 2 pics are of my souvenirs; I like magnets and the pen, a floating pen starring Donkey is cute :D)

Well tbh, I didn't just ignore her, i tried to run away, yeah i dunno what happened to me, i got nervous, and stressed, she wasn't my type, but she was objectively hot, like nice body, big ass, curvy, light skin and cute face.
I dunno what happened to me these Last few months because i never experienced anything like this, i was always a smooth talker and my friends know that, so when he saw me freaking out, he said bro you freaking me out, that girl is still there waiting, i just rejected his offer and we always joke about me being gay cuz i didn't date much since highschool and rejected alot of opportunities, so he just told me "they weren't jokes were they", i felt like shit because i was straight, but i just... developed this fear of women that want me.

Do you like props? I like props. Saved by the Bell, being a school show, features a lot of books. Here are some of them.

American History

Of all the books in the series, this is the most heavily featured. Miss Bliss is the history teacher and this is the book she uses. This is the book that in "Practical Jokes" supposedly contains the guidelines of a criminal trial in chapters six and seven. If you're wondering, no, it doesn't have anything like that. This is also the book used for Mr. Testaverde's freshman history class. They're still using it as sophomores in Mr. Dickerson's class. The book continues to make appearances throughout the series, probably because they had so many of them. The actual book is American History by John Garraty, a middle school history textbook from 1982. You can check out the teacher's edition here.

Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare Made Easy

In "The Substitute" they use various books in the Shakespeare Made Easy series from Barron's. You're familiar with this style of book, right? Elizabethan English on the left, modern English and explanations on the right. Apparently they had a set of books for various Shakespeare plays, covered the titles, and wrote Romeo and Juliet on the covers. So when Screech is serenading Lisa, he is actually reading out of Hamlet. Note the prominent skull on the cover. Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Lisa. You can read the actual Romeo and Juliet version here. Tony Crane meanwhile has what might be an evaluation copy.

Physics Made Simple

In "Beauty and the Screech" Kelly is failing physics. Screech agrees to tutor her and they fall in love. Kind of. We've all been there. All the while they're using these slim red books that don't look like textbooks. That book is supposed to be Physics Made Simple, a title in the Made Simple Self-Teaching "Encyclopedia" series. The pretense of being part of an encyclopedia explains explains why the spine looks like that. Presumably, the production had several different books in the series and someone added the word Physics to all of the covers. The contents are simple and threadbare with crude illustrations. It is indeed not the sort of textbook you would find in a US high school in the 80s. These books appear in many other editions and you can read one here. You can spot these books in other episodes filling out some book shelves.

Geometry for Fun and Challenge

The class that drives Jesse to stimulant abuse is Geometry. Jesse spends the episode buried in and stressing out with this book. High school geometry is not hard but in her defense everything is hard when you're not getting enough sleep. Anyway, the book is called Geometry for Fun and Challenge. Here is a copy of a later edition. Despite the casual and playful name, it is a standard high school textbook.

The many books of Date Auction

In "Date Auction" we meet Brian. He is a stuck up intellectual-type who is reading the Hunchback of Notre Dame at The Max. I think it's a hardcover edition of this Signet Classics translation which you can see but not read. Lisa comes on strong multiple times and I think he makes a good case that they don't have anything in common. Unwilling to take no for an answer, Lisa pretends to get sophisticated. She shows up talking about Tolstoy and carrying an armful of random books. What books? There's the Gault-Millau Le Guide de Paris, a travel guide full of stuff that doesn't make the usual travel guides. I think her copy is in French. Here is an English version. There's another book called In The GAP, an evangelical Christian how-to book. I'm guessing it was chosen for the cover. A third book, The American Character, is a book from the 1940s exploring why Americans are the way they are. A fourth book is Alexandre Dumas: The King of Romance, a biography. I think this is the only one that is fit for purpose.

Odds and ends

Toward the end of sophomore year, the production started using book covers. You know, brown grocery bags cut up and used as a jacket. Or maybe you don't know. I think it's an American thing. No more taping over stuff or trying to change the title of a book but also basically no more bookspotting. Here are some odds and ends to fill things out. Miss Bliss usually has a couple volumes of The Illustrated Library of the World and its Peoples on her desk among other books. World Geography and You cameos in a few scenes. In "Screech's Woman", we see Zack sleeping before class starts with Spanish for Mastery 1 on the desk in front of him. In "Driver's Education" there's an unknown textbook. I was surprised to learn that driving textbooks are real (I would have assumed it was all handbooks and workbooks) but I don't think they're using one because they've taped over the cover again. In the later seasons we see a few magazines, including Wrestling Superstars and Hot Rod.
That's enough, right? Too much? Okay.

Location: Defense Line Husky, Datsot-3

POV: Motsotaer, Malgeir Federation Planetary Defense Force (Rank: Pack Member)
The shrieking whistle of incoming artillery shell was among the most terrifying noises known to living beings.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Boom. Boom. Boom.
But it meant you were still alive.
Pack Member Motsotaer wondered if the poor pups in the forward trenches heard them coming as the enemy high explosive pounded into their lines.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
One of their anti-aircraft concrete bunkers took a direct hit; its roof collapsed on itself with a loud crumble.
Grass Eater artillery was voluminous, destructive, but scariest of all, it was incredibly precise. Their intelligence assets in orbit knew all, saw all. Their kill chains were short. Once they saw you, they would call it in, and the remainder of your life was measured in minutes and seconds.
There was nothing vegetarian about the efficient and bloodthirsty way the long-eared Grass Eaters fought, and the numerous intelligent predator species they’d exterminated on their way to Datsot… some of those tales gave even Motsotaer nightmares.
The defenders of Datsot had no choice. No choice but to defend their homes against the psychotic enemies pounding their lines to bits. And the ones who remained had learned the hard lessons of war, either through experience earned by blood or via the process of not-so-natural selection.
Motsotaer clutched his rifle against his chest as he laid in his own shallow hole, eyes closed. If the end was going to come for him, there was nothing else he could do but huddle in his freshly-dug grave.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
The blasts continued walking across the defense lines, undoubtedly killing scores of his comrades. But he accompanied each shockwave with a sigh of relief; they let him know that he was still alive. Still breathing.
One final rumble. And then there was silence across the battlefield.
Motsotaer waited a minute before he peeked out — another lesson that smart defenders of Datsot had discovered the hard way. A couple brave medics were already on the move, their shouts left and right, pulling bodies and the groaning injured alike out of the rubble aftermath of the shelling.
With a grunt, he pulled himself out of his hole, rushing towards the neighboring anti-air bunker. The concrete roof had collapsed, but he could still hear cries from the dark. He squeezed through the cluttered entrance.
It was a mess on the inside. The lights were all gone. Scattered sandbags. It smelled like blood and death, and he pushed aside the still body of a Head Pack Leader he only knew of, only to find the corpse of yet another Pack Member, her limbs sprawled in an unnatural position.
“Anyone still alive in here?” he asked in the dark as his eyes adjusted. “Hello?”
There were a series of loud coughs. “I’m here. I’m here.”
“Pack Leader Nidvid!” he shouted as he recognized the familiar shrill voice. “Keep talking! Where are you?”
“Here. I’m here. Help me up.”
As she continued to cough, he had the sense to fish a flashlight out of his pocket, fumbling around until he found the on button. As the light activated, he could see Nidvid half-buried in the dirt, her lower limbs trapped beneath some sand from the broken sandbags.
“Pack Leader!” He got onto his front paws and started digging. “Are you injured?”
“I don’t think so,” she shook her head in the dim lighting as she experimentally wriggled her legs. “Here, I think I’m loose. Help me up.”
Motsotaer grasped her under her arms, and with a heavy grunt, pulled her out of the dirt.
“Whew,” she said, checking her body again for wounds. Nidvid looked around at the other bodies splayed in the bunker. “Oh no… Head Pack Leader…”
“That was a close one. I can’t believe you lived through that!”
“Yeah, me neither… Wait a second,” Nidvid said as she began rummaging through a pile of rubble near the Head Pack Leader’s body. “The radio…”
“What are you looking for?” he asked as he aimed his flashlight towards where she was looking.
“Oh no, no, no…” her voice trailed off as she picked up the device she’d been looking for. “Our hardline communicator…” It was clearly broken from the strike, its shell perforated with a hundred holes and its connection to the landline severed. In disgust, Nidvid threw it back to the ground.
“What uh— what did you need that for?” Motsotaer asked. “Were we supposed to tell them we were being attacked?”
“No… It was— before the strike, we got a high priority order.”
“A high priority order?”
Nidvid recalled, “There’s a special platoon in our salient… We were supposed to get an important message to them!”
“Special platoon?” Motsotaer asked. “Are you okay, Nidvid?”
“Yes, yes,” the Pack leader replied, visibly distraught. “They only had a physical line to us because they’re supposed to be keeping in the dark. Emissions control or something like that so they can activate the flying machine swarm in time. They said this was life and death and our whole defense line hinges on it!”
“Emissions control? Flying machines? Pack Leader, we should get you to a medic,” he said skeptically.
“No! Motsotaer, this is important. We need to get the message to them now. They’re only a couple kilometers south from our position. If we run over to their position now, it might not yet be—”
He looked up at her face in alarm. “Run to another position? Outside the trench line?”
“Yes! We have to go!” she said, as she peeked out of the concrete bunker towards the barren zone ahead of the trenches. “Now! Before they start their offensive.”
Motsotaer began to protest, “But that’s no creature’s land. If we get spotted by their troops, we’ll be hunted down by the Grass Eaters ships in orbit…”
She was insistent, “Pack Member Motsotaer, get it together. We still have a job to do. Are you with me or are you going to sit here and die like a coward to the long-ears?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, straightening up. Death or not, he was no coward. “I mean… I’m with you.”
“Good. Then let’s go.”
With a grunt, she leapt out of the trenches and jogged south, keeping to the defensive side of it for the modicum of cover it provided, and Motsotaer quickly followed. As they sprinted away from the tattered defenses, they ran into a thick tree line that hopefully provided them with some concealment from the Grass Eater ships above.
After a couple more minutes of running in the forest, Motsotaer started to tire and pant. He weighed his burning lung and how embarrassed he’d be if he complained. Luckily for his ego, Nidvid gestured for them to stop after another minute and tossed him her canteen. “Take a break before we get going.”
He chugged as much water as he could in a single swig, and returned the canteen to Nidvid. He gasped out, “How much further, Pack Leader?”
“About one more kilometer south,” she said, aiming her snout up at the treetops. “I recognize the smell of this area.”
“What’s this even about? The message… what was it?”
Nidvid exercised her limbs. “That Grass Eater artillery strike… it was to prepare for their offensive on our lines. They’ve gathered an armored division on the other side of that,” she pointed out into the barren fields beyond the trees. “We have an hour at most before they roll over us.”
“An armored division?!” Motsotaer squeaked. The enemy’s Longclaws — their armored vehicles — were legendary. They could kill from kilometers away. And their thick shells protected them against all but the most powerful artillery in the Federation’s arsenal. He’d never seen one of them personally. If he had, he suspected he wouldn’t be alive to tell anyone about it. “What can we do against a Grass Eater armored division?”
“That’s why we have to get to the special platoon,” Nidvid replied. She pointed in the southern direction, “You ready? Let’s go.”
They galloped for a few more minutes. Motsotaer’s limbs tired and his breaths shallowed as his lung burnt. As he was contemplating whether to ask for another break, Nidvid pointed at a shape in the distance. “There, that’s their position!”
He squinted at it. It was not easy to see, but buried in the tree line was what looked like a bunch of out-of-place branches and leaves over a small vehicle. Buoyed by the anticipation of the end of the marathon, he managed to keep up with Nidvid’s pace.
As they approached, there was a loud shout.
“Hi-yah! Stop!”
They halted their steps and looked for the source of the voice.
“Not one more paw step, deserter! This is a restricted area! Turn around or you’ll be shot!”
Motsotaer looked up at the voice hidden up in the branches. After a moment, with some help from his nose, he found the yeller. It was a short, stout middle-aged male with strange-looking green and brown paint smeared all over his fur and face. He had a rifle aimed squarely at the duo.
“Don’t shoot!” Nidvid yelled back. “We’re runners. We’ve got an important message! For your platoon commander.”
The male in the tree looked suspiciously at them as he leapt down. He lowered his rifle, but didn’t seem any less on guard. “A message?”
“Yes, we’ve got an urgent message for Special Platoon Commander Graunsa. Take us to him right now!”
He sized the two of them up. After a moment, he said slowly, “I am Graunsa. Why are you here, and what is the message?”
Nidvid recovered some of her breath and explained, “The Grass Eaters hit us hard with an artillery strike. Our Head Pack Leader is dead. Our landline is gone. We ran all the way over from our lines north of you.”
Graunsa nodded and gestured for her to continue.
“The Grass Eater armored offensive is about to start. They’re moving into position and ready to go, and there’s a special message embedded—”
“Wait a second,” Graunsa interrupted. “Give me the special message exactly, without omission or your own interpretations.”
“Yes, Platoon Commander,” Nidvid nodded. “The message is: bunny water carriers are in play, red-five-zero-eight; come out of the dark and introduce yourself. Authorization is three-three-greyhound.”
Graunsa looked thoughtful for a moment as he pondered it.
“What does the message mean?” Motsotaer whispered at Nidvid.
“I have no idea,” she shrugged, whispering back. “The Head Pack Leader just told me to memorize it.”
The platoon commander seemed to have made up his mind. “Alright, that seems legitimate. Thanks for the message.” He turned around to leave.
Motsotaer shouted behind him, “Wait, what are we supposed to do now?”
Graunsa turned around. “I don’t know. I’m not your commanding officer.” He paused for a moment. “I wouldn’t recommend going back to your lines though. Might not be there when you get back…”
“What?!”
“You can’t just leave us! Where else are we supposed to go?” Nidvid asked.
Graunsa seemed to contemplate the question for a few heartbeats and sighed, “You said you’re from the position up north?”
“Yup,” they replied in unison.
“And you’re a spotter, Pack Member?” he asked, looking at the rank and position patch on Motsotaer’s chest.
“Yes.”
Graunsa relented. “Fine. We might find a use for you. Get into the bunker… before the Grass Eaters in orbit see us dawdling out here.”
“What? Where?”
The officer pointed at a patch of dark green leaves on the forest floor. As they approached it, he grasped a latch and lifted it to reveal a ladder. The three of them descended into the darkness and Graunsa secured it behind them. With a quiet swoosh, a lamp mounted on the wall lit up to reveal a small hallway leading to a heavy-looking door.
Graunsa knocked on it twice. He turned around and looked at Motsotaer and Nidvid. “What you’re about to see in here is of the highest secrecy level of the Malgeir Federation. If you tell anyone what you see in here, you will be executed for treason. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Platoon Commander.”
“Swear it, on your honor.”
“We swear,” they replied in unison, their voices infused with growing excitement.
“Good enough for me.”
The heavy steel door swung open, showing a room that was vastly different from what its primitive exterior suggested. It resembled a command center far more than a field base, and Motsotaer felt a blast of cold air conditioning in his face as he passed the door threshold.
At the front, a main screen showed a map of the defensive lines in the sector. Facing it, two rows of sleek, new computer screens lit up the dark. Their operators worked busily at their controls, and only a couple faces looked their way in mild interest as they entered.
“What is this—” Motsotaer started to ask. Nidvid grasped his shoulder and shushed him.
Graunsa cleared his throat. Several faces looked towards him in anticipation. “Platoon, we just got the message. Activate the FTL handshake and authenticate us in the network.”
“Yes, sir.” A young-looking communication officer near the front operated a few controls on her console. “I’ve got the advisors on the line.”
Motsotaer read his nametag: Gassin. She was a Gamma Leader, much higher ranked than he, but she looked not a day over twenty. He noted that many of the people in the room sported high-ranking insignias despite their apparent youth.
“On screen,” Graunsa ordered.
A communication window appeared on the main screen, streaming video of someone in a jet-black EVA suit.
Motsotaer stiffened. It was obvious that the subject was alien; at around 1.7 or 1.8 meters, it was far too tall for being a Malgeir. Too small for a Granti. And from the side profile of the suit, it didn’t bulge nearly enough for the tails that the Malgeir’s Schpriss neighbors were known for. A strange new species of aliens.
From the blackened visor, it was obvious that whoever that was… it was the reason for all this tight secrecy.
“Special Platoon Commander Graunsa,” it transmitted in perfect Malgeirish. The alien was either a trained-from-birth Federation Channel One newscaster with a perfectly inoffensive accent, or its translator was far better than anything the Malgeir themselves had invented. “This call is encrypted, but the enemy Znosians in orbit are trying to find your location from the signals, so we’ll have to make it as quick as we can. Have your defensive lines completed your preparations?”
Graunsa stepped up to address the screen directly, “Yes, advisor. Our fire support platoon is ready for tasking.”
“Excellent. Transmitting the first batch of targets in your sector now.”
A series of symbols scrolled onto the screen, showing a number of coordinates.
“We’re getting the enemy positions now,” Gassin exclaimed.
Graunsa turned to her and nodded his appreciation, “Sixteen armored targets. Weapons free.”
“Yes, sir. Programming the sequence.”
A camera on the main screen activated, remotely showing a small hole with some machinery in it dug a few hundred meters away just at the edge of the tree line.
“Launching flying machine swarm!”
As Motsotaer watched, a thicket of metal erupted from the hole in a blur, roaring into the sky.
The main screen was replaced by a four-by-four of windows of black and white images. It took him a couple seconds to realize that he was looking at the battlefield from above. The Malgeir had rotary wing, airplanes, and jet — some were even armed, but they were usually much bigger. And their air assets had been grounded since the early days of the battle for Datsot when the enemy took the orbits.
Not these tiny devices though.
He focused on one of the sixteen windows.
The ground sped past below the camera’s vision, tree line after tree line, the flying machine seemed to know where it was going by itself: Motsotaer looked at the other occupants in the room. None of them seemed to be directly controlling it.
He stiffened.
Is this controlled by a thinking machine?
“We’re getting in range of the target coordinates, Platoon Commander,” Gassin updated the room a few minutes later.
As if on cue, the flying machines flew higher, and the trees on the ground grew smaller, as if further away. Until…
“Targets identified!” Gassin reported with excitement in her voice.
As an infantry spotter, Motsotaer had been trained — barely — to identify enemy armored vehicles. As in, he’d been given a cheatsheet containing the silhouettes of the different types of vehicles the enemy drove. But even he couldn’t tell at this distance what the white-hot smudges on the screen were.
The machine had no such issues though.
Several red boxes materialized on the screen, clearly marking several enemy vehicles in the thermal imagery and adorning them with detailed information.
The one Motsotaer was watching said:
Hostile vehicle, Longclaw MK4 (top armor: ~25mm), 4.2 km.
No hostile EW detected.
Without additional prompting, the flying machines raced in towards their targets, each recognizing a different one as its final destination. Afraid to blink, Motsotaer stared intently at one of the video streams.
A new line of text appeared at the top of the screen:
ETA 20 seconds.
It counted down the seconds, number by number.
The enemy Longclaw got larger and larger until… the screen went black, replaced by static. As he looked around, the other windows were similarly replaced with static one-by-one.
Motsotaer frowned, wondering where the videos had gone.
Then, it hit him. The flying machines were on one-way trips.
The sixteen windows disappeared, and another one appeared, showing the enemy assembly area from a much higher perspective. And instead of the vehicles he expected, he counted sixteen burning wrecks, the black smoke from their flames reaching up into the sky in columns.
“Targets destroyed, Commander,” Gassin said. Several of the officers in the room looked at each other excitedly, but their celebration was muted.
Graunsa nodded. “Call our advisors again.”
The alien appeared on the screen again. “Excellent work, Platoon Commander. We’re assessing the lines and getting the second batch of targets to you now.”
“Understood.”
As the new target coordinates scrolled onto the main screen, Gassin didn’t need additional prompting, “Launching flying machines!”
Another sixteen of them flashed out from the pre-dug position. Another sixteen windows appeared on the screen, replacing the odd-looking aliens’ video.
“Wait a minute,” the aliens’ voice cut into the quiet hum of the control room’s operation. “Switch back to the high-altitude drone. Something’s happening.”
The main screen’s image was replaced by the previous camera looking down at enemy lines. There was a flurry of activity in the enemy base area. Numerous dots representing the ground troops moved to-and-fro. And worryingly, the red squares that surrounded enemy armor began appearing en masse as enemy Longclaws drove out of their covered positions into the open.
Dozens of them.
Then, hundreds. And more appeared every second.
“What’s going on?” Graunsa asked, his voice reflecting Motsotaer’s worry.
The alien took a minute to get back to him, its black helmeted face filling up the screen again. “They’re attacking. They don’t know what hit them in the last strike. But they must have realized that they’re not safe in their assembly area, and they’re doing the only thing they can… We estimate they’ll get to your first lines in thirty minutes.”
“Can we stop them?” Graunsa asked. “We can—”
The alien looked directly into the video. “Not sixteen drones at a time. And if you launch the whole swarm at once, it’ll reflect enough signal for them to sniff out where you are with their counter-battery radars and take you out from orbit.”
Graunsa swallowed. “That’s— that’s— The machines can fly themselves without us, right?”
The alien didn’t say anything for a few heartbeats. “Theoretically, yes. But even if you evacuate your position now, your people won’t get out of range from the orbital strike they’ll call in.”
“I understand. Feed us the enemy targets.”
“Delta Leader, we can’t ask you to—”
“I said, feed us the enemy targets,” Graunsa insisted.
Quietly, hundreds of coordinate pairs filed onto the main screen. Graunsa looked at the faces of the young officers under his command. Dozens of them. He turned around to look at his two guests. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s the right choice,” Nidvid replied, shrugging.
Motsotaer nodded at him.
“I know,” Graunsa said, turning back to the main screen. “Just doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Sir, we’re ready to launch,” Gassin reported.
“Weapons free. Release everything.”
“Yes, sir.”
The ground shook and rumbled, hundreds of flying machines leaving their canisters for the sky. They were close enough to hear the outgoing buzzing as the munitions launched. This time, more and more windows filled up the screen with the visuals of the outgoing flying machines — hundreds of them, and Motsotaer was surprised that the computers could even handle it all.
The visage of the alien returned to their screen. It said calmly, “Enemy orbital launch spotted. Multiple launches. High yield. Missiles incoming to your location, ETA twelve minutes.”
“Understood, advisor.”
POV: Slurskoch, Znosian Dominion Marines (Rank: Five Whiskers)
“Scramble! Scramble! Scramble!”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.
“What’s going on?” Longclaw Commander Slurskoch sat up in his turret cupola as the sirens rang loud through the hull.
“We’re under artillery attack!” his Controller yelled back at him through the roaring startup sequence of the turbine anti-grav engines. “The Lesser Predators… they’ve got some kind of new weapon! Took out a whole battalion’s worth of Longclaws in the 194!”
“But we’re not ready!” his Driver complained. “Our artillery is supposed to pound them for another hour before we—”
Slurskoch shook his head as he checked the friendly force tracker on his screen. “Doesn’t matter! If they’ve got some new weapon, we can’t sit still while we get pounded to bits by whatever they have. We gotta get out there. Hurry it up!”
It took them another two minutes to fully warm up the engines, and with a roar, the Longclaw burst out of its camouflaged emplacement, kicking up a curtain of dirt in front of it.
“Let’s go! Go! Go!” Slurskoch yelled as his lagging Longclaw joined the armored formation already on the move.
The Controller spoke with one of her ears in the radio, “Their artillery just launched… something at us. We’ve pinpointed their location, and orbital support is on its way.”
His Gunner whooped twice, and Slurskoch nodded silently in agreement. That’d flatten those carnivorous abominations where they stood. He drew a few symbols and circles on the digital battlemap as the Longclaws drove toward the enemy lines. “Gunner, watch those potential trench lines in front of us,” he instructed. “Their anti-armor may not look scary on paper, but their infantry can always get a lucky hit in.”
Slurskoch was taught in training that it was better to overestimate the enemy than underestimate them. Luckily, the predators usually fell below expectations, which was why the Dominion controlled the orbits of Datsot now and not them.
His Controller frowned at something in her radio, “They’re saying something about the enemy artillery… The engineers at the base assessed the strike aftermath. There’s something strange in the rubble. The attack was more precise than anything we’d ever seen.”
“What does that mean?” Slurskoch asked in confusion.
“The sensor officer in charge of the assembly area has taken full responsibility. They didn’t see the incoming at all. Higher ups are speculating that the Lesser Predators have a new weapon in their arsenal.”
“The predators made new weapons?” Slurskoch snorted. “Useful ones? That’ll be a first. Well, whatever it is, maybe our Design Bureau will get a good look at it when we finally cleanse this planet of their filth. Make our next battle a little easier when we have to take their home planet.”
His Gunner agreed, “And then, the Prophecy shall be fulfilled.”
A few kilometers into the charge across the open, the Gunner remarked with one eye on her targeting computer, “Looks like even the local winged predators know that there’s about to be a slaughter here.”
The Driver, in his open hatch, looked up at the cloud of them flying over the enemy lines. “Looks like it. A nice juicy feast for them in the coming battle. The irony of the barbaric carnivores being eaten by themselves.”
A few thousand years ago, winged predators would have curdled the blood of any natural-born Znosian. On the original plains of Znos, they were one of the most dangerous threats a lone Znosian faced. Now, that fear had been completely bred out of the gene pool, replaced with contempt for predatory primitivism, the courage to face them in battle, and the drive to exterminate them all.
Curious, Slurskoch stared up into the cloud of winged predators with his Longclaw commander optics. He frowned.
One of them shimmered.
Shimmered.
He zoomed in.
Then, he saw a metallic glint. His whiskers tightened.
“That’s— those aren’t winged predators,” he barely made out in shock. “Incoming!”
“Huh?” his Driver asked, craning his head up to look at the dark shapes in the distance.
“Get inside! Secure the hatch!” Slurskoch shouted at him.
His Driver was not very good at thinking on his own, but he had been bred to follow direct orders without question. He ducked into his seat, quickly securing the hatch above him close with trained claws.
He barely secured the Longclaw as other commanders began yelling out similar instructions on their radios.
“Incoming!” his Controller advised, about ten seconds later than necessary. “Enemy… artillery?!”
“Gunner!” Slurskoch gestured in the general direction of the sky.
“I can’t get a shot on them. They’re too high up!” she screamed back at him.
A trio of air defense vehicles next to him opened up with their six barrels towards the sky, lines of bright tracers stabbing out at the dark swarm. He saw one of the… flying machines hit and fall out of the sky. Then another.
It wasn’t enough.
As Slurskoch’s optics tracked the incoming, he saw them dive. They were fast, and they flew erratic patterns, almost organically, like actual winged beasts. If he hadn’t had that specific fear bred out of his bloodline hundreds of years ago, he would have been frozen in shock. Instead, he yelled out, “Brace! Brace!”
Boom. Boom. Boom.
The world exploded around his Longclaw.
Through his friendly force tracker, Slurskoch watched an entire battalion disappear off the map on his right flank, and two Longclaws in his line of sight brewed up in massive fireballs, throwing their turrets into the sky as their plasma ammunition detonated. One of the anti-air vehicles brewed up next to his, splattering its parts against his hull.
His Driver drove for all he was worth, ducking and weaving in the open field. So did the other Longclaws. Some deployed curtains of smoke in front of them in desperation.
None of it seemed to help.
The shockwaves hit his Longclaw in quick succession, knocking him around the armored cabin and rattling his teeth.
Boom. Boom.
More Longclaws exploded. Many more. They were disappearing off his screen faster than the software could update the signals. He closed his eyes waiting for the end.
It didn’t come.
It was hard for Slurskoch to tell when the last Longclaw near them was hit. His hearing organs must have been damaged some time during the attack. His auditory senses ringed as they returned to normal, recovering when his Controller shook him with a paw on his shoulder. “—Five Whiskers! Five Whiskers!”
“What is it?” he snapped, keeping the quivering out of his voice.
“We’re alone in our company, and I can’t contact the six whiskers! And I’ve been trying to reach battalion without success!”
“Try the regiment commander!” he yelled out against the noise of the anti-grav engine.
“Can’t reach them either!”
“What about division headquarters?!”
“I think division’s gone, sir!”
“What?!”
“Nobody there has been responding. All I’ve got is a seven whiskers in the reserve infantry division behind us! They’re saying they see black smoke in the direction of our division field command!”
“What in the Prophecy? How is that possible?!”
“What do we do, Five Whiskers?”
Slurskoch had been trained for a wide variety of combat scenarios and contingencies, including losing his immediate superiors, losing most of his unit, and losing his communication link to command. But he’d never been trained for all of those combined at once. That was just not something predators were supposed to be able to do to you.
He fell back to the next best thing.
“What’s the combat computer say?” he asked.
His Controller operated the controls on her console, and after half a minute of querying, she replied, reading off the instructions, “Absent orders, continue the attack. Maybe we can push through.”
“What? Did it take our losses into account?” he protested as he checked the battlemap. Of the nearly five hundred Longclaws that had pushed out of the assembly area, only a quarter remained. At most. Some of the signals on the map were flagging themselves as mobility or mission killed.
She shrugged, “It did. That’s what it says.”
He squinted at her screen. That was indeed what it said.
Slurskoch thought for a moment, sighed, and bowed in prayer, “Our lives were forfeited the day we left our hatchling pools.”
The other crew members all did the same, lowering their heads to mutter the familiar mantra.
That ritual out of the way, he drew up to his full height of 1 meter and mustered all the confidence he could into his voice, “Attack! Attack! Attack!”
POV: Graunsa, Malgeir Federation Planetary Defense Force (Rank: Delta Leader)
The command center watched glumly as the hundred or so surviving Grass Eater Longclaws emerged from the wrecks of their comrades and slowly resumed their charge across the open toward the defense lines.
The flying machines had gotten a lot of them. Quite a few disabled too. And they were disorganized from the loss of their command. Yet they still charged. Diminished as their numbers were, they rolled towards the battered defensive lines with psychotic determination.
We’ve failed.
Graunsa sat down heavily into his chair. He brought up his communication console, connecting it to the advisor network.
The alien appeared on the screen, and though he couldn’t see its face, he could hear the sympathy in its translated voice, “You’ve done all you can, Special Platoon Commander.”
“It wasn’t enough,” he said, shaking his ears sadly. “They’re going to break through our line. Our infantry can’t stop them.”
It tilted its head. “I wouldn’t count them out completely, Delta Leader. They might. They might not. But your next defensive line certainly will hold them. The city behind you will be held.”
“Tracking enemy orbit-to-ground. ETA three minutes,” Gassin reported quietly from next to him.
Graunsa sighed. He looked at the alien, “I think I understand your people now, advisor.”
“You… do?”
“Yeah, at first, when we were picked for this mission, I wondered why your people were doing this.”
“Doing this?” the alien asked, seeming confused.
“Helping us. The weapons. The equipment. The training. The targeting. It was all in secret, but you didn’t have to do it. The other species around us didn’t do it. The Schpriss…” Graunsa snorted, “The long-tails can’t even find it in their spines to send us field rations. I thought your species… your people were just generous. Or perhaps you simply enjoyed the craft of war, being so adept at it.”
“Are we… not?”
“Those reasons may be part of it,” he conceded. “But more importantly, I think your people understand one thing the other species don’t… that we might stop the enemy here. Or we might not.”
“We didn’t set you up to fail, if that’s what you think—”
“But the next defensive line certainly will hold them,” Graunsa said, staring the alien in the eye. “You will hold them. Isn’t that right?”
It sighed. “I would be lying if that wasn’t part of the strategic equation. Our star systems are indeed next in line — sometime in the next decade or two, probably — if these bloodthirsty Buns conquered your Federation. That harsh astropolitical realism. But there’s something else too.”
“Is there?”
“Yes,” it nodded its head firmly in a familiar manner. “Yes, there is. We aren’t a particularly long-sighted species, Graunsa. We can plan, yes, but wars are fought by true believers. People don’t sign up to put their lives on the line for a hypothetical, potential invasion of our Republic twenty years in the future. They— we signed up for this because we truly believe what’s happening to your people… it shouldn’t happen to anyone, ever.”
Graunsa looked at the helmeted head for a while, then nodded. “I believe you, advisor.”
“I’m sorry this didn’t pan out, Graunsa. If I could, I’d be down there with you. We’d have made them pay for this.”
Graunsa smiled. “I believe you about that too. Thank you, advisor, whatever your name is.”
“You may call me Kara,” it said simply. A deft snap of its paws — he hadn’t noticed how soft its claws were before — and it released a latch on its helmet with a hiss. Lifting it from its head, it revealed a soft, smooth face without much fur except a bundle of long, brown strands on its scalp tied up in a neat spherical shape. Its hazel forward-facing eyes stared at him with the empathy that only other predators were capable of, filling him with mild relief. “Don’t tell anyone though,” it joked lightly, mirroring his smile back at him.
You’re not as ugly as I thought you’d be. Not nearly.
Graunsa’s grin widened at the thought. He put it out of his mind. “Ah. One last thing, advisor— Kara.”
“Yes?”
His mind drifted to his cubs at home. Perhaps they were still alive. He chose to believe that. “Our people’s clans and packs…”
“We’ll let them know,” she interrupted him softly. “And when the information quarantine is lifted, we’ll let your clans and packs know what you did here — everything.”
“Good. Thank you.”
Gassin sat down next to him, “Delta Leader, enemy missiles incoming. ETA thirty seconds, they’re entering—” She stopped her report and stared at the unmasked alien on his screen with equal parts wonder and sadness.
“Take a closer look, Gassin,” he ordered softly. “That… that is who will avenge us.”
On screen, the alien put its gloved paw up to its temple, forming a stiff triangle with its arm in a recognizable salute. “It was an honor, Graunsa.”
Graunsa returned it crisply, letting a primitive fire shine through his face. “Happy hunting, Kara.”

Location: Atlas Naval Command, Luna

POV: “Kara”, Terran Reconnaissance Office
Kara watched solemnly as the green signal blinked off the battlemap. She closed her eyes for a moment in silent prayer for the fallen.
Beep. Beep.
Another light on her console blinked urgently for her attention. Four thousand kilometers from the previous one. The war raged on — day and night — across four continents on the besieged planet. Fifty light years from the Republic, its defenders’ sweat, tears, and blood lined the fields and valleys of the beautiful blue sphere not so different from her own. Tens of millions of them: many who she knew would not see the end of this war.
They didn’t all know it, and some might not have cared, but fifty light years away, someone recorded their names, and someone felt a pang of loss for their sacrifice. In the cold, dark forest of the galaxy, somebody heard their trees fall.
Kara collected her thoughts, adjusted the bun in her hair, and lowered the tinted EVA helmet over her face once more.
She cleared her throat as she glanced at the screen and activated the microphone in her helmet, “Special Platoon Commander Treiriu. This call is encrypted, but the enemy Znosians in orbit are trying to find your location from the signals, so we’ll have to make it as quick as we can. Have your defensive lines completed your preparations?”

Meta

Thanks for reading my story! This is a standalone chapter in my Grass Eaters story, meant to be enjoyable all on its own. If you're interested in more of my writing, please do subscribe to the update waffle bot or check out the rest of the universe in Grass Eaters.
(Grass Eaters posts every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. We are closing in on the end of Book 1.)

27/28. Batgirl Begins - 4/5 (Starting this in medias res was a good choice, since if you're already familiar with Batman stuff, you know Barbara was gonna become Batgirl in this (and even if you don't, the title would reveal as much). So starting with a Poison Ivy fight made me more curious to see everything that lead up to it was opposed to just waiting for the "reveal" that Barbara becomes Batgirl and Pamela becomes Poison Ivy. Plus, Barbara's snarky narration was amusing. Introducing Batgirl as Batman's first sidekick (even if this was merely due to a stupid embargo) as well as making Poison Ivy be her best friend turned arch nemesis is pretty fun because of its uniqueness alone. Especially because it makes the stakes more interesting when Ivy has a personal grudge against Gordon. And I liked Batman's "not every child gets the opportunity to rescue their parent" comment. Yeah, it's cliché, but that stuff is the core of Batman, so it's nice to see this side of him acknowledged, since it rarely is in this series. Also, making Gordon not able to recognize Batgirl as Barbara because he wasn't wearing his glasses was pretty "clever". "Clever" in quotations because it's still dumb, but since most DC shows love to sell you on the idea that people cannot recognize each other's face by simply putting a mask on the top half, it's funny that this series bothered to give an explanation at all. He should still have recognized her voice, but you can't win 'em all.)
29. A Dark Knight to Remember - 3/5 (Freezing Poison Ivy in the previous episode, then defeating the Kabuki Twins by freezing them in this as well? Batman is becoming Mr. Freeze. Anyway, here's a pretty standard amnesia cartoon episode. Decent gimmick, and they also added a stock Secret Identity Almost Discovered:tm: plot to spice things up. The circumstances of Bruce's amnesia being the perfect cover for Barbara dropping the idea that he could be Batman is fun, but Bruce's actual amnesia is just cartoonishly illogical. Even if he lost memories of his last few years as the Batman, how would that also genuinely make him a self absorbed playboy? He was always a broody guy with a heart of gold, even before donning the cape and cowl.)
30. A Fistful of Felt - 3/5 (This is just a poor man's Double Talk. It treads the exact same stuff; Wesker is cured of Scarface so he lives a peaceful life before Scarface forcibly reappears at the hands of someone trying to bait him and he succumbs to it before Batman eventually confronts him and Scarface gets destroyed. Except this is way less substantial and lacking in drama and emotion. It's a shame, because during the group therapy scene, I was excited that this could potentially be a formula bender, having it take place entirely in Arkham Asylum and focusing on Wesker's recovery process. But then I remembered this is The Batman, so yeah. Also I HATE Snooty's design!)
31. RPM - 2/5 (Wow, after seeing this, I immediately went out and bought The Batman Batmobile #2 with working lights & sounds, firing disc launcher and opening cockpit! No, but really, did I actually just watch a toy commercial for 20 minutes? I get that that's where action cartoons make their profit, and that's fine, but this was so blatant it's not even funny. Like that scene of Batman arriving in his new CGI Batmobile as the camera spins around it. Give me a break. Not to imply the writers were being hacky or anything. It was clearly an executive mandate. They just wrote a lame episode around it. Gearhead wasn't very interesting, although it's cool he was voiced by Will Friedle I guess. And the episode is just about cars, a subject I do not find interesting. I did laugh at Barbara asking Gordon "taking the car?" and he just opens the door and stares at her.)
32. Brawn - 4/5 (At this point they should rename the series "The Batgirl" since most episodes now put her in the main role, having to save Batman's butt. Not a complaint, it's a nice change of pace from the repetitive Batman Stops Villain:tm: plots. This episode is pretty darn good though, which is surprising since it's really nothing but a long fight scene. Most of it consecutively takes place in real time on one street street as they duke it out. You'd think that would get boring, but Bane-ified Joker is a cool enough concept to genuinely carry enough entertainment value on its own. And Batgirl using the Batbot was fun.)
33. The Laughing Cats - 4/5 (Two Joker episodes in a row? Also a Catwoman episode, which... Yeah, Joker being in it was obviously an improvement. Making her team up with Batman to stop Joker was more interesting than had it been about Batman stopping another one of her generic jewel thefts. Them being stuck in a maze with Joker using their gadgets was fun, and I liked that his hyenas were not loyal to him at all, LOL. As a side note, Kilgore Steed's hunter schtick makes NO sense. Capturing animals to put them in a giant maze full of traps that will just automatically kill them is not much of a "hunt".)
34. Fleurs du Mal - 3/5 (I guess the show isn't going to acknowledge any drama between Barbara and Poison Ivy and she's immediately relegated to stock villain who does her villainous schtick and gets defeated? Clayface all over again. It also wasn't much of a mystery who the villain could be since it literally begins with the mayor being taken over by flowers. The characters themselves uncovering the mystery and battling the plant replicas was neat enough, so whatever. And Batman punching an old lady was funny. I don't understand why Poison Ivy replaced Penguin, though. She's replacing the people who control Gotham, and he's a washed up nobody who's lost his fortune. Also, Batman is lucky he only fought the plant replica or he would have killed Penguin. He fell right into spinning blades which clearly shredded him... Although he's still intact when they land, so I guess logic took a break for this scene. Side note, the show is getting WAY too reliant on ending with a zoomout of Batman and Batgirl as she makes some snappy comment.)
35. Cash for Toys - 2/5 (So Cash can return but not Yin? There is no justice in this world. He wasn't funny in his first appearance, and he's...slightly less unfunny here. So yeah. Add a straight up Toyman ripoff instead of just Toyman, for some reason, and you get a pretty lame episode. I get that he's a Superman villain, but the series didn't have a problem using Solomon Grundy, so Toyman shouldn't have been off the table. You could assume they just embargo'd him because he made cameos, albeit speechless, in JLU. But then, Grundy was the main focus of a JLU episode less than a year before Grundy's Night, so this doesn't add up! Not that Krank being called Toyman would make a difference, because I still wouldn't like him. So, YEAH.)
36. The Apprentice - 4/5 (Joker getting a sidekick is definitely a fun idea, and while I obviously liked this episode, it plays out exactly how you'd expect. I liked how wholesome Joker was to Donnie at first when he was brainstorming ideas and then turned grim when Donnie didn't want to hurt people. It definitely adds at least one more layer than the average Joker Shenanigans:tm: episode. You can definitely feel how genuinely scary it would be to simply be around this lunatic, especially if he has it out for you. Also, Donnie's jokes probably doesn't get laughs because he's in high school doing kindergarten tier jokes.)
37. Thunder - 3/5 (It's Maxie Zeus, the most iconic DC character of all time, doing his typical Olympus schtick. Yeah, so, the episode isn't really about him. His scheme is just a setup to show how well Batgirl can carry herself. And in that aspect, I do find it fun. It's a bit dumb that she yaps to Batman about how she wants to be in the loop though, as if she isn't just Batgirling of her own accord. He never agreed to be a team, she just stalks him. Side note, Gordon sternly correcting Grange with "batarang" made me chuckle.)
38. The Icy Depths - 4/5 (Despite being the umpteenth episode about stealing jewels, this was refreshing due to presenting it more as an actual mystery and having two villains, alongside Alfred and his old chum, trying to uncover it. It was fun how they all got the upper hand on one another, and I always like Alfred being involved in an adventure. I don't understand why Batman even needs to stop this "crime", though. The treasure doesn't belong to anyone anymore. And if it DOES rightfully belong to someone, that would be Penguin. What was up with a random rotating shot of the boat here though?)
39. Gotham's Ultimate Criminal Mastermind - 3/5 (Mr. Freeze's Arkham number is 800B5. I bet they thought they were really funny with that one. Unlike the previous BTAS ripoff episodes, this was only vaguely a ripoff of Heart of Steel, so I'll cut it some slack. But it's pretty thin. D.A.V.E. is just super smart and wants to defeat Batman, then Batman wins by just telling him something that does not compute. I guess it's neat that they finally built on those vague hints about Hugo Strange being "evil". It's just a shame the antagonist is merely his robot, not actually him. And why does he get locked in Arkham after being caught? He's not insane.)
40. A Matter of Family - 3/5 (Who sharpened Bruce's jaw?! Also, Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy. As for the actual episode, I was underwhelmed. It's a pretty straightforward telling of Robin's origin story, but it rushes the emotional moments and doesn't let them get too "heavy", which makes them less effective. Zucco is a pretty upfront mustache-twirling villain instead of a mysterious figure, and they don't really acknowledge how devastating such an event would be, or the awkwardness of immediately being adopted by a rando. Dick just gets some watery eyes then he's instantly comfortable at Wayne Manor. But I liked tying "Robin" into something his mom used to call him. Batman speaks with a much deeper voice in this episode. Must've come with the new jaw.)
41. Team Penguin - 4/5 (Did it really take seeing teamwork in a movie for Penguin spawn the brilliantly unique plan of "more villains = harder for Batman"? This was a fun teamup, though. I'm glad they didn't go for the obvious choices like Joker, Mr. Freeze, Riddler etc and instead opted for the "misfits". Croc is the only one of the group I didn't care for. But I liked seeing Ragdoll again, and Killer Moth was pretty funny. I liked that he remained a suckup even after being horribly mutated. I liked the theme of teamwork the episode had, since it ties nicely together with the valid jealousy Barbara would have for some rando in red becoming Batman's sidekick and knowing his identity when she has been wanting that for ages. Also, Robin immediately wailing on Penguin for calling him a lackey made me laugh.)
42. Clayfaces - 4/5 (Nice to see my buddy Bennett again. Guess they wanted to redeem themselves after the nonsense they pulled with Grundy's Night. But given this is his last appearance, this was a pretty unsatisfying "arc". Him going full-blown villain didn't make sense from the start. His desire to take revenge on Joker I get, but aside from that, it shouldn't have taken him THIS long to realize he should use his powers for good instead. Basil Karlo wasn't a super compelling character or anything, but him being an ugly dweeb was quite funny, and the spectacle of two Clayfaces duking it out more than makes up for it, because that was pretty awesome. Side note, why is this company so picky with who they cast in their fricking dog food commercial? It's dog food. Just show dogs.)
43. The Everywhere Man - 3/5 (I like the concept of the Everywhere Man, but was disappointed at how little they truly utilized it for story/action potential. The first half is just a mystery where you're supposed to think it's two guys (provided you did not read the episode title), then Johnny just expositions how his powers work and Batman fights a bunch of copies. The villain himself being a copy is a cool twist, but it would've been more interesting if the copies mostly worked as a hivemind and they utilized that to make fighting them really hard for Batman since they'd be such a perfectly synchronized army. The episode wrapping itself around some girl saying Johnny was cuter as a nerd, and then the real Johnny getting the girl in the end was so random it's almost hilarious.)
44. The Breakout - 4/5 (Black Mask being in this episode is pretty neat, as he is a fairly well-known character who, despite that, doesn't seem to appear in animation a lot. That said, he was not very compelling. He's just a stern, no-nonsense mob boss. Which for the plot of this episode is all he needs to be, so I won't give him flack for that. It's a fun change of pace to have a mostly Batman-free episode with focus on his sidekicks instead. Batgirl and Robin have a pretty charming dynamic; I liked when they guessed what Black Mask's face looks like and he got pissed off. LOL. And it was interesting how it's sort of a bottle episode, with most of it taking place within the police station as they try to prevent Black Mask's militia from breaking in. Batman ending the episode by telling them to wash the Batmobile was a certified LOL.)
45. Strange New World - 5/5 (This was great. I really like Hugo Strange, so it's fun to actually see his sinister side now that he's been outed as a villain. And while at first it felt mostly like a standard zombie story, the dramaic tone and hellish visuals, alongside the crazy ways the zombies jump around, made the whole thing a pleasure to look at. But the twist is what really got me. I didn't put it all together myself until right as Batman was figuring it out, and it really made all the scenes of him fighting zombie Batgirl/Robin/Gordon amusing to think about in retrospect. That said, isn't this a Scarecrow-tier scheme? I guess since he couldn't be in this show they just gave it to Strange.)
46. Artifacts - 3/5 (For an entire episode set in the future, I was expecting more than just the spectacle of a generic Mr. Freeze battle. But that's really all there is to it. That said, I liked the W I D E Batman design. I know it's an homage to The Dark Knight Returns, but I've never seen or read that, so yeah. Mr. Freeze blatantly saying that title after seeing the Batman was so funny, though. It works contextually, but when you know the reference it felt no different than if he had said "Batman: The Animated Series". LOL. I see Barbara will go the Oracle route in this show. Sad. Also, they can blatantly reference Bennett and Yin, but refuse to show them any further regardless? Screw. You.)
47. Seconds - 4/5 (The Batman's take on Clock King? He's not officially named as such, but it's pretty much a Cosmo Krank/Toyman situation again. I found his time travel abilities fairly interesting, as it was fun to see some random schmuck effortlessly upstage Batman. HOW he got those powers though... He got bored in prison and was surrounded by clocks, so one day he could shift time. What? Also Batman has an atomic clock that is not affected by time literally shifting backwards. What?? Yeah, so, this episode has a lot of "okay buddy" moments. But really, they just added to the fun. If you're gonna be nonsensical, might as well go all in. And that ending really caught me off guard. Imagine reliving 17 years of your life like that, only to still end up a fricking clock repairman. He really couldn't have invested in stocks he knew would have gone up?)
48. Riddler's Revenge - 4/5 (I certainly wasn't expecting this series to try and pull off an emotional Riddler episode. One that actually works, no less. But here we are. It's not the deepest thing in the world, but I thought seeing his origin handled this "seriously" was an fun take, and it was interesting that his own origin was a "riddle" that he got wrong. Wrapping the origin around him and Batman being trapped in a crate was pretty clever. Although after unwrapping his entire life story to Batman, I would've thought he would be a little less hostile towards him after they escape. But no, he just goes back to being evil. I liked Batman's final line though. "When is a villain, not THE villain?".)
49. Two of a Kind - 4/5 (They got Paul Dini in just to write the Harley episode. It's pretty good, though. The different take from Mad Love is amusing to see. I think showing Harleen as a loudly outspoken ditz makes her descent into jester-themed criminal more believable. Especially since they directly give her a personal vendetta to push the criminal aspect further. But since this episode is mostly banking on showcasing the "unique take", it's hard to look at it past comparisons. Without them, it's sort of just The Apprentice but with Harley instead of Donnie. But Harley is funnier, and generally I liked all the zany stuff she and Joker gets into, so this is the better "Joker gets a sidekick" episode. Plus, it has a whole ass Joker musical number.)
50. Rumors - 3/5 (The Batman's take on... Lock-Up? Okay, not really, but the similarities did cross my mind. The premise here is pretty basic. Rumor was not a very thrilling antagonist or anything. He's some generic guy who works for another generic guy, who's just a red herring because he blames being a cripple on Batman. Really, the spectacle of Batman fighting all his past villains in the final scene is the best part of the episode. Although I'm confused why some of them are even there and in costume. Cluemaster only had one goal, why would he still be Cluemastering? And is Spellbinder really Gotham based? How did Rumor even capture him? He's a psychic! And Harley Quinn literally JUST became a villain. I liked Penguin begging Batman to stop him, though. LOL.)
51/52. The Joining - 4/5 (Oh geez, it's Martian Kronkhunter. Couldn't Patrick Warburton voice him instead of Cash Tankinson? I liked the way he casually outs knowing Batman's identity. But on that note, they sure talk about that in public a LOT here. Including the aforementioned scene, both Robin and Bruce himself yaps out "Bruce Wayne is Batman" on two separate occasions. Robin says it in a crowded street, Bruce in a small diner. Yeah, I'm sure absolutely NO ONE within the vicinity could have possibly heard those things. It's not like Bruce and J'onn are having a lengthy conversation about it right where the waitress, chef, and any potential surrounding customers could hear it or anything.
This was a pretty basic alien invasion story, and it's quite a leap in stakes compared to the usual jewel thievery. But I liked the usage of Martian Manhunter. I thought he and Batman had an interesting chemistry. Their initial fight scene was so stupid, though. "Oh no, the Batman discovered I'm an alien. Better not explain anything and instead just beat him up and run away until he catches up and then say I'm on his side". I thought the emotional anchor of Batgirl and Robin feeling unwanted was a bit undercooked, but the moment when Batman says he worries about losing them was sweet, so whatever. And I liked the scene of the villains helping the police fend off aliens.)
53/54. The Batman / Superman Story - 3/5 (With the show finally being allowed to bring in more expansive DC lore, the first thing they make is the most generic Superman story they could think of. Yeah, okay. I liked the way Batman discovered Superman's identity, and seeing the villains of Gotham take him down was fun. But a whole episode just for that that setup, with the second being a prolonged Batman vs. Superman fight scene and then stopping Lex Luthor from doing something evil? Yeah, I didn't really jive with it. Also, with literally ALL of the sky available, did Superman really just fly right into Robin? AND ignored it? Not very boyscout-y.)
55. Vertigo - 3/5 (This was decent, but it mostly thrives off of the novelty of being a Green Arrow crossover as opposed to being an organic Batman story. In fact this would have been improved by cutting out Batman entirely. I liked seeing Green Arrow's origin, and they could've explored his attempt to take revenge on Vertigo and such on his own. And while he DOES do that here, since it's a Batman show, most of it is from Batman's perspective as Green Arrow recaps his story. So, ultimately, they should just make The Green Arrow.)
56. White Heat - 4/5 (Neat revamp of Firefly. He was never a particularly compelling character, but the fact that he was already established in this show makes his descent from petty thief to molten monster in this more compelling by default than had this been his first episode a la Killer Moth or something. And with the inclusion of his girlfriend, it had some genuine emotion. Not a tearjerker or anything, but his last appearance being his girlfriend dumping him and walking away as he's stuck in a pitch black prison cell with him still faintly glowing in the dark is pretty bleak. So the fact that they managed to get all of that out of an episode that can be summed up to "Batman stops molten villain cause he's too hot" is impressive. The battle at the power plant itself was pretty awesome though. But Bruce is really risking his identity fighting with half his face exposed like that.)
57. A Mirror Darkly - 3/5 (Just like the Superman episode, the writers barely do anything to justify its existence besides thinking I should be thrilled by the mere presence of Flash. Well, when the plot is as generic as one of Flash's iconic rogues coming to Gotham to be evil so Flash stops him and Batman helps because it's a Batman show... I'm not. And just like Superman again, Flash didn't leave much of an impression of me. Adding the trait that he talks incredibly fast was amusing, I suppose.)
58. Joker Express - 3/5 (I would have thought with free reign to utilize all of DC lore, this show would be over their generic Joker Scheme:tm: episodes. Guess not. There's literally nothing to be said about this one that hasn't been said about the others, though. Batgirl being infected with Joker's laugh was definitely a very enjoyable scene. But after that, it's as predictable as Topsy Turvy, JTV or The Apprentice.)
59. Ring Toss - 3/5 (Green Lantern. I wonder what fresh, unique plot The Batman crew will conjure up for this one. Oh, Sinestro comes to attack Hal Jordan, but Hal wins. And Batman helps in between, because it's a Batman show. Starting to sound like a broken record here, but that's how unimaginative these episodes really are. It's competent, but it's pretty much shut-your-brain-off-and-enjoy-the-action tier. This one does have the middle part of Penguin with a power ring, which was genuinely gold stuff. The only problem is, it doesn't last for long enough, and ultimately Penguin's inclusion is really just time filler in between Sinestro being defeated.
60. The Metal Face of Comedy - 4/5 (Let me get this straight, Joker is digitally copied by wearing a helmet connected to a laptop while getting shocked? On top of the common trope of cartoon writers not understanding how video games work, logic is clearly not this episode's strong suit. The phrase "mentally download money" pretty much speaks for itself. Regardless, the prospect of Joker vs. Joker is fun enough alone. All the wacky antics Joker 2.0 is able to get into with his morphic abilities were visually fun. It's especially amusing to see the real Joker completely discombobulated by being upstaged and betrayed by, well, himself. Even cheering on for Batman to win.)
61. Attack of the Terrible Trio - 3/5 (The Terrible Trio were fun as a group of misfits, but it's pretty laughable how these college students are being bullied like it's middle school. Also do they really expect me to believe the hot, edgy chick is considered a loser? Jake is the only loser here. It's cool that this show actually had them transform into animals, even if the designs are little...awkward. It's also neat that they gave them a connection to Barbara's personal life, but at the same time it's disappointing that they didn't put Batgirl in a bigger role because of it. Batman's still the one saving the day. Also I was a little disappointing David's final transformation wasn't any more creative than just a griffin. As a side note, it's nice that this closes the door on Langstrom's Man-Bat arc.)
62. The End of the Batman - 3/5 (Fake title, there's three more episodes. The idea of an Anti-Batman and Robin is pretty fun. Wrath served as an entertaining foil to Batman what with figuring out his identity and everything. I think the ending is a little cheap, though. Joker uses his smile-gas so much, you'd think there would be a common antidote by now. Not like Wrath and Scorn are gonna be like that for the rest of their lives. Also a portion of this episode is pretty reminiscent of Team Penguin. Something which they even acknowledge themselves. But just because they point it out doesn't make it not true! Joker being annoyed by being put on menial tasks was funny though.)
63. What Goes Up... - 4/5 (Same as the previous Justice League members, Hawkman didn't leave much of an impression on me. But this time it doesn't matter as much because the episode doesn't put half the spotlight on him. It's mostly focused on Batman stopping Black Mask's, a villain whom I already thought should be utilized more, scheme. Which is stealing a whole building! I mean how cool of an action setpiece isn't an airborne building? On top of Robin being nth metal'd, it was a very fun watch. Really, Hawkman and Shadow Thief feel more like afterthoughts. But even that isn't a bad thing, because they had very enjoyable action scenes. And geez, poor Number One #2.)
64/65. Lost Heroes - 4/5 (Oh, the actual Toyman appears in this show. "Toyman" my ass, that's a damn Jester. Cosmo Krank is more of a Toyman than you will ever be, bud. This episode is pretty fun, if only because I think the narrative of non-superpowered heroes proving their capabilities and humbling the heroes with superpowers when they can't use theirs is amusing. Batman and Green Arrow as a duo was good, and everybody fighting their robot counterparts was cool. I think the robots had pretty rad designs. The only "bad" aspects of the episode is rehashing The Joining as the threat again, and Hugo Strange's inclusion. Not that I don't like him, I think he's a great villain. But this wasn't really a story fitting for him. He's better working from the shadows with the intent of studying the behavior of his victim, not just being a pawn to some alien robot.)

Some background. When I (26F) was in college I did a summer program where I got to perform with other students ages 16-22ish. The program was not affiliated with any school. I was 18 the first summer and I became really close with the guy ("Gus" 39M) who was in charge of teaching me and my peers. I took a summer off to do some service work for a church and went back the year after, where Gus was still in charge of teaching students. While I was gone, Gus and I communicated frequently via email and FB, with him giving me lots of support because it was hard being away from home. Over time, as I leaned on him for support, he began to do the same.
The summer I went back, Gus and I remained very close. While he would be teaching me and my peers, we would also still be exchanging messages and joking around. Outside of the program, we would hang out and get food, he would give me rides (he said physical touch was his love language and would often give me long hugs or put his hand on my knee). He would always pay, saying he knew I was tight on money because of college. I didn't realize at the time that this was weird or not right for someone in a teaching position to do with a student, even an adult one. When people started asking me if Gus and I were dating, I let Gus know that people thinking that made me uncomfortable and we should reevaluate how we act because I wasn't interested in that. We were just friends. It seemed like he understood, but over those next months, he would get upset with me when I had more free time to give to my boyfriend (now husband "Shaun") than I did Gus.
Shaun and I got engaged and Gus was upset I didn't tell him directly (we told our siblings and parents and then made a FB post for everyone else). It really soured my excitement. At our wedding, Gus sat a table the whole time and didn't come to the dance floor where I was the whole night. He was then upset that he didn't get a picture with me in my wedding dress before I changed.
Over the next few years this same pattern continued where Gus would be upset when I didn't spend more time with him, he'd get upset if I wasn't texting him every day, but he didn't want to hang out with me and Shaun together because "he didn't know Shaun that well". I tried to set boundaries multiple times and tried to explain to Gus that I was feeling like he was using me as a fill in SO, but he wouldn't ever finish talking through it, would say he understood or had questions, things would cool for a few months and then he'd start complaining about the lack of time we spent together again. I was still teaching at this school with him. My husband started teaching there as well and Gus complained saying "this was the last thing we had that was just us". I had started feeling anxious having to spend any time with Gus.
When I started working with the summer program, Gus was still there as well. I had to do a training for safety with minors in order to work there and that's when I started to realize Gus had developed a weird, unhealthy emotional attachment to me and had been ignoring the rules teachers are meant to follow concerning students (even adult students). He had been love bombing me, gaslighting me and emotionally abusing me for years. And I had no clue what to do with this realization. My heart sank. I loved being friends with Gus but he had abused me, my trust and my friendship. I decided I would just start cutting him out and leave it at that.
The following summer, I had a friend who had also been a student in the program who was now working with the program ask me how I got Gus to leave me alone. Apparently, she'd been feeling uncomfortable around him as well for similar reasons (though she was older and smarter than I was when he started pushing on her). I told her I hadn't, really, I just stopped talking to him.
This past year, I got a more permanent position with that same school. I had thought that Gus was no longer working there much, so I thought it would be okay. I work directly with someone who I'd known for years, and had known Gus for decades. Gus and him hang out every Sunday and they had worked together for just as many years. Like I said, I thought Gus wasn't working in that same role anymore, so I took the job and thought nothing of him. I was wrong. And I had a breakdown knowing I'd have to work directly with Gus now. My boss had no clue any of this was a thing and I hadn't previously mentioned any of to anyone besides my husband. After realizing I'd be working with Gus, I broke down to my boss who encouraged me to let the program coordinator of the summer program know about what had happened. I was worried at this point because it was clear it wasn't just me - if it had been, I would've suffered in silence. So, I let the coordinator know. I also texted Gus one last time to let him know I could not and would not be involved in this sick twisted friendship any longer. I would work with him, but that was it.
Gus was asked to resign from his position as a result and he was informed that I was the individual who had made the report. I still think it was wrong for whoever to betray my anonymity but I haven't done anything about it.
Now onto the problem as a result of all of this. The school we all 3 work with has no clue that Gus was asked to resign his position working with students because of an inappropriate relationship with a student. Gus and my boss exclude me from major decisions, even though Gus is hired as a para professional and I am hired as an Assistant Coach. On paper, Gus and I should at least be on the same level, if not me above him, but he has years of tenure.
I kept asking my boss why I wasn't being included, and he kept giving me bullshit excuses about how I wasn't intentionally being excluded, Gus and him just hang out a lot and end up talking about work at the same time. Things finally came to a head a few days ago when I was excluded from our staff FB chat group for the past few months until that day. I confronted my boss on why I had been excluded, telling him it wasn't really about the chat, it was about everything else leading up to it. I asked him again why I had been excluded from major decisions and he finally told me it was because Gus was uncomfortable being around me. To say I was shocked and angry was an understatement. I was already crying from frustration before he admitted this.
I reminded my boss that I was the victim, not Gus. He told me "well he's not NOT the victim, his whole life is different now because of your report". I reminded him that he encouraged me to bring it forward and he said "don't turn this on me, you chose to do it" completely ignoring that I had told him I was unsure what to do but just wanted him to know because Gus and I would be working together. He has no concept for the idea that he's shaming me as the victim. He told me he was trying to "mitigate" the situation and every time he had suggested bringing me in on things, he "could just see Gus tense up and get comfortable" and so he decided to leave me out, instead. My boss is choosing his best friend over me. I asked my boss what my future here could possibly be if he was going to choose Gus over me, and he went off on how he values me, but if I feel I need to leave, then that's my choice.
I'm just so angry that I'm getting punished for something Gus did. I'm losing out on opportunities because I was emotionally abused. And no one else on the staff has any clue and they all use love Gus. It feels like no one knows or cares that I'm getting pushed out of my dream job because an older man got the hots for one of his students and couldn't control himself. I don't even know how to bring this up to the administration, because I clearly can't work in these conditions and they need to know if I leave it's because my boss is siding with my emotional abuser on all of this.

I'm totally new to the bowl and read a lot in this sub before deciding to share my story here. So please be gentle with me as I seek answers and advices from more experienced people in this community. Sorry for the novel.
This is my story:
I'm a Canadian female in her mid-30's. Since the nature of my work allows me to work 100% remotly, I finally realised a big goal of mine this year and spent the winter in the Caribbean. Six months of winter is not really my forte haha! I really enjoyed the lifestyle and made a lot of wonderful friends. Needless to say, I was living my best life in my bikinis, soaking up the tropical sun.
And when I thought things couldn't get any better, I met this man, an American in is mid-50's through mutual friends at a bar. He was obvioulsy very interested in me and wanted to go on a date. I vanilla dated older guys before (10y) but never someone with that age gap. That said, I'm in a point in my life where I'm over dating boys who don't have their act together. I want a man who will elevate me, not drags me down. Plus, our mutual friends being sneaky little matchmakers that they are lol, told me that he was a real gentleman and a very successful businessman. Off to a good start!
We clicked on our first date and discovered that we had A LOT in common. He too works remotely, except when he has occasional meetings in the States, we both loveeeee to travel, we both practice water sports, we both grew up skiing, and the list goes on. He actually stays in the Caribbean almost half the year since it's his second residency.
For the first three weeks or so, we dated 3-4 times a week, mostly for diner dates and fun activities on the weekend. He spoiled me so much, sending lunch deliveries everyday, flowers and gifts, etc. And then we started to get intimate and had so much fun in the bedroom which I think was a relief for both of us haha!
But then, not long after, I lost my main client and source of income (thanks to the recession -_- ). I was so stressed out and heartbroken that my dream life of traveling while working remotly might slip throught my fingers after working sooo hard to get there. When I told him about my financial struggles, he would answer back not to worry about money. But then I was thinking to myself that diner dates and gifts don't pay my bills lol.
So after reading many many posts in here on SLF, I took matters into my own hands and sat down with him to ask him what he meant by "not worrying about money". He told me that he would cover all my bills from now on, but that he didn't want me to stay with him just because of the money, which I thought was fair. I couldn't spend that much time with someone whose company I didn't enjoy anyway. I told him I'd be comfortable with an allowance agreement and he agreed on an amount higher then my monthly salary. He replied that he'd never done that for a girl before when I asked him, as it was the first time for me too. I was a little surprised when he told me this because he behaved like a SD by spoiling me and taking care of me like he did. He also gave me what we jokingly call a starter package lol of the generous amount of xx,xxx to invest money for my retirement. I just couldn't believe it tbh but my bank account surely did!
Since then, we've spent a week at his place in the States, before heading off a week later to another city for a music festival. We really had a blast. It had been a very long time since I'd had so much fun and felt so comfortable and valued with a man. After the festival, I went home to Canada and he went back to his home. The plan was to meet up again in NYC before going on a two-week trip to Europe. The plan was also for me to stay on my own for two more weeks in Europe to visit friends. But he cancelled the trip at the last minute because a family member had a medical emergency on the day I was due to fly, and also because shit hit the fan at work. He felt so bad about it, even though I reminded him that he couldn't control such events. Still, he rebooked all my flights and accommodation so I could go and see my friends and spend a summer vacation in Europe. Again I just couldn't believe it!
Over the past few months, I've met some of his family members and closest friends. He is divorced and on good terms with his ex-wife. He had a girlfriend in his age range for a while. Both ex-wife and ex-girlfriend are very successful ladies. He also dated younger hot girls hehe. We have great communication and honesty with each other. We make each other laugh. It's so nice to have someone who cares for me the way he does. This sounds like a made-up story, believe me, even sometimes I wonder why me haha!
My questions for you would be:

1. Is he a SD? Is he a SBF? I know he doesn't really like the term SD
2. Does it make me a SB? Or a SGF? Or something else?
3. What is your experience with on and off long-distance SR? Ex: 2-3 months together then 1-2 months long-distance and so on
4. Long-distance SD or SBF, when visit your SB ou SGF, do you prefer going to a hotel or to her place?

Thank you so much for reading this!

This happened 10-ish years ago and pops back in my mind once in a while. I just find now the courage to share it.
One of my (M) best friends (F) has been invested as “best man” role for a civil partnership (M+M) of one of her friends, since she was the reason behind the weird way the couple met the first time. They’ve been a couple for years, so as soon as the civil partnership law passed in our country, they started preparing their ceremony. My friend invited me as her +1 since she believed I could have found my match during the event, obviously thinking that could have been full of gay men (spoiler: it was).
A couple months passes while I just have some ONS with different Mr. Wrong, the usual.
(insert here an I know where this is going)
When the day to take the flight to reach the city of the ceremony, a national strike happened, and our previously “confirmed as unaffected by it” flight (we called the company the day before) has been cancelled last minute while in airport. So we managed to get back our bags after hours of waiting, and reserved another flight for the day after (arriving one day before event instead of two). I was attending the baggage belt waiting, my friend was at the desk queing and taking care for the ticket exchange.
While waiting, I opened my Grindr and… well… how can I say it… I just find someone to spend some “quality moment” with. No further detail is needed.
(insert here another I know where this is going)
Bags on a trolley and tickets in hand, we decided to take a room in an hotel near the airport for the night since the new flight would have took off at 7AM and it was already 5PM (timesaving and moneysaving move).
The next day we travelled as expected. We arrive and first things we do after arriving to hotel: I went to get our wedding outfits ironed urgently and friend went to meet the happy couple (she wanted to have some time with them alone before the wedding).
Wedding day! Both ready to leave, we rushed to the location because she didn’t knew she had to be there at least one hour before until one hour before (but we were 5 mins walking distance).
She leaves me alone for her duties and, not knowing anyone else, I open my Grindr. I was feeling hot in that custom fit suit that I would like to profit of it someway. Met (just met this time, I swear) another guest through it so I wasn’t awkwardly alone anymore, and this guy introduced me to his friends.
The happy couple enters. Both under the arm of their female “best man” likely a bride comes with her father.
Could I be more embarassed.
I had met one of them during the days before the wedding (he travels for work).
I had met the other in the airport (that, I discovered it later, was going back home from his bachelor party).
(insert here an how are you not embarassed)
I was trying to avoid their eyes any possible ways while they were talking around with guests and greeting them (we were quite a crowd), waiting for the officiant, and at a certain point I sneeked out, discreetly.
I immediately texted my friend that I needed to talk her ASAP after the ceremony, but she was immediately available (the officiant arrival was planned later to give the couple the time to enter and greets everybody one by one) and reached me. I told her what I did… well, what THEY did. I had to, so to avoid her any issue, not for any possible guilt from my side, because I did nothing wrong.
Before you ask: No, none of them told that was engaged (didn’t spoke a lot honestly) and no, I didn’t know I “knew” them because I was honestly not-interested in an unknown people wedding. And also no, I don’t ask guys “are you engaged/married/a priest” before doing stuff. If they want to cheat, is their problem.
Back to my friend. At first, laughing an “are you serious?” like she knew some juicy gossip and she had an exclusive. Then a nervous “are you sure?” because it was something that she had to be buried with her. All followed by a desperate “what do we do now?” like she was trying to escape the embarassement.
In the short time we had, I made clear that the decision if I had to leave was only up to her, if she felt anyway I could have caused more troubles. And so she asked. While heading back to the hotel, I received a text from her that was saying (more or less): Screw them, please come back. Sorry if I let you down, not your fault, next time they’ll act better”. Never felt so proud of being someone’s friend.
None of both, so, met me before the ceremony. But as it ended, the airport-guy saw me and went totally pale (there’s a photo of him in that exact moment and it wasn’t just my imagination, he became whiter than white, he created VantaWhite).
We slowly moved to reception (another location but also close enough to walk there), while couple went away with photographer, and my friend wanted some juicy detail (that I didn’t shared - except the “unusual” location of the airport encounter). She didn’t saw the now-married guy in the airport at all and was also surprised she didn’t knew why he came (we discovered the bachelor party part in a later moment). And yes, she noticed the scared face too. One of the guests picked up some words from our coded conversation and we went out saying it was about another guest, not the happy couple.
As they finally arrives at reception, the one that noticed me sees me immediatly and turned his sight away, but then the other one sees me, but wasn’t that scared and had is eyes making and losing contact with mine every couple seconds, like trying to understand if he knows me (or if it’s me or not).
Some time passes and I can’t tell you the embarassement I could feel in their eyes and voice while talking to me and my friend (they were making a kind of a tour, talking to everybody).
Everything went smooth then and we started eating and drinking and dancing… until…
One of the couple (the one I met before at his hotel) come close and bumped me while dancing. I said sorry, he hugged me and said into my ears something I couldn’t ear, so I asked him to repeat it, twice (loud music), and it was a “don’t you ever dare to tell anything to anyone”. While I was reassuring him joking with an “about what”, the airport-one saw us talking and rushed there. He asked to his husband what could I have said and that’s when all started to fall down.
Basically, airport-guy suspected that I told about the airport-thing to hotel-guy, so the questioning made hotel-guy suspicious, but so suspicious that hotel-guy came back holding airport-guy hand, asking if I knew him from before. “Why should I?” was the first vague reply that popped out of my mouth, and I should have stopped, because (maybe for the alcohol, maybe for the drama effect) I added an “You shouldn’t have secrets anymore now, if you still have some, go tell each other”. That was the confirmation that hotel-guy was expecting, even if then to me wasn’t looking bad at all to say. They went then arguing in a corner before and somewhere else after. Then their best-women were called in and joined them… and while we all were still dancing and having fun, my friend came to pick me to go and give confirmations. She was fuming, not with me but with them.
Basically, hotel-guy was accusing airport-guy of cheating again, not confessing that he did the same and menacing legal action to have a refund for the money spent from actual husband and me.
And boom! Since the hotel-guy intended my fake not-knowing about what he was talking about like a real one and that wasn’t me the one who met, and he was faking innocence, I pulled out my Grindr with still his photos and messages and phone number.
Screenshotted and sent the chat I had with hotel-guy to airport-guy and viceversa. That was the end of the civil partnership and of the party. Not even arrived to the cake.
No legal action were taken by their part, and they legally started separate lives the day after. Came out that if airport-guy was a serial cheater, hotel-guy was helding other undisclosed secrets to his partner, but, so he says, he cheated just once, with me (how unlucky can one be?).
I wrote “no legal action were taken by their part” because some guests requested their gifts returned, as the union was untied and, after a bit, some lawyers letters arrived. So they had to refund some gifts too.
Me and my friend didn’t dared to ask for our.
But, hey… I met airport-guy again. And again. And again… For few years, anytime he was coming in the area he always texted.
But, shamefully, he never spilled the tea about his ex-husband other secrets.

Hello Normally I’d scour across the internet for recent reviews of different cruise ships and routes but sometimes fall short. I’d love to get into every fine detail about this recent trip from May 10-17 but I feel like I’d be endless.
Quick background about myself, I’m in my 20’s and this is the second cruise I’ve gone on with NCL. First one was with the Sun to Bahamas back in 2019 which was honestly one of the few vacations that I consider very memorable.
This particular cruise started in Boston, a day at sea, 3 days in Bermuda, another day at sea, 8 hours in Bar Harbor and finally back to the Boston port. Total of 7 days.
We arrived at the port around 12pm so the traffic wasn’t super bad but all I can say is people need to watch out or you won’t even make it onto the boat to begin with haha. Port workers were lovely and were dancing to get the mood going, even the cops were getting into it. Security was fast, same with check in. Coming onto the boat we were greeted with 2 employees who directed us to the atrium where 2 other employees showed us how to put on life jackets and took our info. Apparently we didn’t have to go to our muster station since she showed us how to put the life jackets on and where to go, made it even easier to just start the cruise without worrying about anything else which I didn’t know was possible.
We got 2 drinks but was not told about paying state tax on them, no issue since it was just $3. At this point it was 1:30pm and we decided to get to our floor with the idea our room was ready (I know please don’t make fun of me). It was a family inside stateroom for the 4 of us. Obviously it wasn’t ready but they allowed us to put our bags into the room. Rest of the day was just full of activities and a whole lot of drinking.
First day at sea was just more activities and getting to know our cruise activities director who was literally everywhere and very friendly, she definitely is in her element and loves what she does.
The 3 days in Bermuda were good. I wish there were more ferry’s that took you from the ship to St. George, especially later ones but you can always take taxis or mini buses. I’ve taken both and have the impression that they do not like each other at all however taking taxis were definitely cheaper. I read enough reviews about Bermuda to know how expensive it can get and while it is true, I’m fortunate enough to be financially comfortable where I can spend quite a bit each day I was there without having to worry about the cost of it. Looking over my receipts today definitely made my eyebrows go up because with on-island excursions, taxis, rentals, food and souvenirs all 3 days came out to over 1.5k+ but it was definitely worth it to me. Great island and surprisingly very safe. Met locals and went to not so popular areas to get away from the crowds and it was worth it as well. I did get a moped and while it was my first time riding, it was easier to simply just ride than to think about what if I fell haha.
Tons of activities on board during the 3 days.
Next day at sea was full of activities and shows, which were great.
Maine was our next stop and imo it was beautiful but not much to do. Tours booked up immediately and we simply walked, shopped, and ate at the local restaurants which were great. Jordans on Cottage St. was good, as well as Galyns on Main St..
Arrival to Boston was definitely the worst part of the cruise since it felt like there was no A/C onboard and organization was a nightmare.
Now… I have a few points to make.
Food was mediocre. Not bad but not good. Only the specialty restaurants were pretty decent.
Casino was full of degens haha. Jokes aside, I have never been in a small casino where more than half of the people were smoking cigarettes, made the place a bit unbearable at times.
The dance show followed by the crew appreciation speech was definitely one of the highlights of this trip. I’ve been to big shows in Las Vegas, New York, France, and others but this shows production blew it all out of the water, especially it being on a literal cruise. Beyond amazing and want me to be honest? Seeing the crew on stage who keeps the ship together everyone in my group a bit emotional. Seeing the people I’ve had conversations with throughout the trip and getting to know them as well makes the speech more touching. The crew definitely work well together and I love them.
The older folks (60+)were very and I mean very critical of the food and liquor. I’d hear complaining basically 24/7 from the older crowds but not so much of the younger ones. Honesty I saw more complaining how the sports Channel was playing boring sports and not the Bruin games against Florida haha. When it was played at the sports bar it was packed, basically every public tv screen all around the ship had at least 20 people around it. It was loud, lots of cussing, and the Boston accents were HEAVY. I loved it.
It was a good cruise and having 4 people in the small inside stateroom was cramped but did not get hot at all. I normally go for a balcony but this trip was with in-laws who needed assistance and we booked very last minute so balcony wasn’t an option.
All in all I give this trip a 8/10. Even though the buffet and other food was mediocre, the vibe was always there throughout the ship during the full 7 days.
I’d be more than happy to answer any other questions if ya’ll have any.

I’ve dated a guy for about a month and a half. I’d say it’s been smooth sailing up until Saturday two weeks ago, when we had our fourth date. Spending time with him has been a pleasure so far and I was surprised by how much I liked this person.
For some context: I’m a graduate student pursuing my master’s degree while he’s an entrepreneur running his own company. He’s successfully launched, scaled and managed a few companies in the past, but the one he’s currently building is struggling. It’s taking a toll on his overall wellbeing and it’s been something we have had conversations about. I honestly admire his dedication to his work and it is one of the reasons I’m attracted to him, so I haven’t had an issue with dedicating time during our dates to talking about it, seeing how important it is to him.
Anyway, after our date Saturday two weeks ago, I noticed a change in his demeanour, and I thought his interest was decreasing. Towards the end of the week last week, he had sent me perhaps a text a day, and it was mostly I who had to keep the conversation going. I decided to ask him if he was feeling less interested in me or if it were something else. He sent a very long, honest message explaining that he felt like he was drowning in work. He apologised for letting it affect us and said it had nothing to do with me. He suggested that we call the day after, which we did. The phone call offered some concrete insights into his current struggles at work and also some difficult circumstances in his personal life. I did appreciate how earnest he was and told him that all I would need is communication, and that I didn’t want to assume anything because there is a lot we don’t know about each other. He said he really would want to see me after an event he was going to host Friday this week for his work (so yesterday as I’m writing this) I left that conversation feeling reassured.
Fast forward to today: the conversation really picked up and while a lot of it surrounded his work, I did appreciate the effort to share his day with me and keeping me in the loop. Yesterday, after the conclusion of his event, he had gotten some major traction in a few national newspapers due to some influencers he had been collaborating with, which I congratulated him on. He was happy, although tired, and at some point, the conversation turned sexual. We’ve slept together twice and both times have been wonderful, and he does oral sex like no one else I know, so it was easy to both let myself get carried away in the conversation and add to it. He texted me this morning telling me how hot he thought it was and that was he more aroused than usual as a result. He made it clear he wanted to continue the sexual nature of our conversation, which I didn’t mind. And he also made it clear he was using our conversation to please himself. After about an hour of intense back and forward he told me he had finished, and then he .. disappeared. After about 30 minutes, I felt slightly unappreciate. The guy had mostly been concerned with himself during our talk, which is fair enough when you’re aroused and want to get off, but I would’ve expected him to properly tell me he enjoyed it or say thank you, or anything to that effect. I was expecting some level of aftercare and affection, like you would normally express to someone after sleeping with them. Might not seem like a big deal to the people here, but it was pretty intense lol. I just wanted him to understand how it came across, and truthfully, that I felt a bit neglected afterwards.
I semi-jokingly texted him and the conversation went like this:
Me: “I feel a bit used lol - never experienced a digital cum and run before 😅” Him: “A digital cum and run? 😅” Him: “I was just in the shower, and then my birthed called 😘” Me: “That’s hard for me to know. It felt similar to someone disappearing right after you’ve helped them get off. Not super fun :)” Him: “You could not have known that, I agree with you.” Him: “Did not mean for you to get a cum and run impression ❤️” Me: “I get that- it just ruined parts of what was otherwise a very pleasant thing :)”
This clearly set him off. He possibly felt wrongfully accused of doing something he had no intrusions of doing, because he answered this:
Him: “Got it. But hear me out? I'm trying to explain now that I got a phone call, and then it was a bit difficult to answer you:) It wasn't because I gave a damn, it was just because I find it a bit difficult to continue a chat correspondence at the same time as I’m speaking on the phone :)”
Him: “This was not a cum and run situation, or so I think.”
I didn’t answer this right away. I did not want to see it escalate so I was working on ways to tell him that I was trying to get how I felt across and not accuse him of anything. It took some time, because in the meantime, he followed up with a new message saying this:
“Really didn't mean to give you that impression :(“
Me: “I didn't think you had any intentions of doing so either. Appreciate you saying that ❤️”
Him: Good ❤️
This is five hours ago. About an hour later, he sent me a video from his event yesterday. I simply hearted the message.
I’m at a bit of a loss of what to do now. He hasn’t reached out again, so I find myself wondering if we are just incompatible. I accepted that work would take priority the past few weeks (which I still think is fair, we don’t know each other that well yet), but I am also thinking that he’s either unwilling or unable to make the effort to make me a part of his life. I made it clear to him early on that I’m not looking for anything casual. I don’t know if I should reach out, what to say if I do, or just let things fade. I would appreciate any kind of perspective this forum could offer.

’ve dated a guy for about a month and a half. I’d say it’s been smooth sailing up until Saturday two weeks ago, when we had our fourth date. Spending time with him has been a pleasure so far and I was surprised by how much I liked this person.
For some context: I’m a graduate student pursuing my master’s degree while he’s an entrepreneur running his own company. He’s successfully launched, scaled and managed a few companies in the past, but the one he’s currently building is struggling. It’s taking a toll on his overall wellbeing and it’s been something we have had conversations about. I honestly admire his dedication to his work and it is one of the reasons I’m attracted to him, so I haven’t had an issue with dedicating time during our dates to talking about it, seeing how important it is to him.
Anyway, after our date Saturday two weeks ago, I noticed a change in his demeanour, and I thought his interest was decreasing. Towards the end of the week last week, he had sent me perhaps a text a day, and it was mostly I who had to keep the conversation going. I decided to ask him if he was feeling less interested in me or if it were something else. He sent a very long, honest message explaining that he felt like he was drowning in work. He apologised for letting it affect us and said it had nothing to do with me. He suggested that we call the day after, which we did. The phone call offered some concrete insights into his current struggles at work and also some difficult circumstances in his personal life. I did appreciate how earnest he was and told him that all I would need is communication, and that I didn’t want to assume anything because there is a lot we don’t know about each other. He said he really would want to see me after an event he was going to host Friday this week for his work (so yesterday as I’m writing this) I left that conversation feeling reassured.
Fast forward to today: the conversation really picked up and while a lot of it surrounded his work, I did appreciate the effort to share his day with me and keeping me in the loop. Yesterday, after the conclusion of his event, he had gotten some major traction in a few national newspapers due to some influencers he had been collaborating with, which I congratulated him on. He was happy, although tired, and at some point, the conversation turned sexual. We’ve slept together twice and both times have been wonderful, and he does oral sex like no one else I know, so it was easy to both let myself get carried away in the conversation and add to it. He texted me this morning telling me how hot he thought it was and that was he more aroused than usual as a result. He made it clear he wanted to continue the sexual nature of our conversation, which I didn’t mind. And he also made it clear he was using our conversation to please himself. After about an hour of intense back and forward he told me he had finished, and then he .. disappeared. After about 30 minutes, I felt slightly unappreciate. The guy had mostly been concerned with himself during our talk, which is fair enough when you’re aroused and want to get off, but I would’ve expected him to properly tell me he enjoyed it or say thank you, or anything to that effect. I was expecting some level of aftercare and affection, like you would normally express to someone after sleeping with them. Might not seem like a big deal to the people here, but it was pretty intense lol. I just wanted him to understand how it came across, and truthfully, that I felt a bit neglected afterwards.
I semi-jokingly texted him and the conversation went like this:
Me: “I feel a bit used lol - never experienced a digital cum and run before 😅” Him: “A digital cum and run? 😅” Him: “I was just in the shower, and then my birthed called 😘” Me: “That’s hard for me to know. It felt similar to someone disappearing right after you’ve helped them get off. Not super fun :)” Him: “You could not have known that, I agree with you.” Him: “Did not mean for you to get a cum and run impression ❤️” Me: “I get that- it just ruined parts of what was otherwise a very pleasant thing :)”
This clearly set him off. He possibly felt wrongfully accused of doing something he had no intrusions of doing, because he answered this:
Him: “Got it. But hear me out? I'm trying to explain now that I got a phone call, and then it was a bit difficult to answer you:) It wasn't because I gave a damn, it was just because I find it a bit difficult to continue a chat correspondence at the same time as I’m speaking on the phone :)”
Him: “This was not a cum and run situation, or so I think.”
I didn’t answer this right away. I did not want to see it escalate so I was working on ways to tell him that I was trying to get how I felt across and not accuse him of anything. It took some time, because in the meantime, he followed up with a new message saying this:
“Really didn't mean to give you that impression :(“
Me: “I didn't think you had any intentions of doing so either. Appreciate you saying that ❤️”
Him: Good ❤️
This is five hours ago. About an hour later, he sent me a video from his event yesterday. I simply hearted the message.
I’m at a bit of a loss of what to do now. He hasn’t reached out again, so I find myself wondering if we are just incompatible. I accepted that work would take priority the past few weeks (which I still think is fair, we don’t know each other that well yet), but I am also thinking that he’s either unwilling or unable to make the effort to make me a part of his life. I made it clear to him early on that I’m not looking for anything casual. I don’t know if I should reach out, what to say if I do, or just let things fade. I would appreciate any kind of perspective this forum could offer.