Writing this because yesterday I was just spending a nice day with my sister in a city close to where we live (we're both away from home for study reasons, so we decided to meet halfway) when this guy, who was sitting near a bar, started to shout things at me. He first went like: "Ah, take off that sunglasses and let me see your eyes baby." We both just proceeded to walk and ignore him, but then he started to shout extremely vulgar things, the most terrible one was: "With that hair (my hair are pretty long and I was wearing them in a ponytail) you should see how I could grab you and destroy you (I guess in a sexual way)." I felt both disgusted, scared and angry, but the best we could do was just ignoring him and walking away as fast as we could. We were not even in a lonely street, there were a bunch of other people around us but that dickhead proceeded to say those things to me anyways, while another guy close to him was chuckling as if he was watching a comedy show.
I'm so tired of being harassed and having to go around with the constant fear of someone following/harassing me for whatever is going on in their shitty head. It was not the first time, and as I was on the traain to go back to the city where I'm staying for my studies I was thinking about the disturbing amount of times during the last year where something like this happened to me (and one of those was also physical, sadly), also considering the fact that I don't travel that much. I hate the fact that whenever this happens, I feel guilty for how I look like or I start to wonder if I was wearing too much make-up or too much revealing clothes (which I was not since I don't like revealing clothes that much and so I usually never wear them; this time I was wearing baggy jeans and a simple white t-shirt). The thing which hurts me the most is hearing from people (such as my parents or family members) to be more careful and to "hide" myself more when I go around... but what the hell? I should be free to wear whatever the hell I want.
I feel both mad and disgusted. I perfectly know that things like this might happen to men too (but let's be honest: numbers are way higher for women) and I don't wanna sound like a victim at all, but sometimes existing as a woman just feels like a curse to me.

For context, I’m 30F, my husband is 35M. We’ve been together for eight years, married for five. We have a beautiful daughter, 3F. We met in college, we never discuss politics nor did shared opinions about it but it was like we were on the same page At least, that’s what I thought. Everything changed a few months ago when the conflict in Gaza escalated.I’ve donated, and educated myself on the issue and I’ve seen the suffering, the destruction, and the pain through the eyes of those who live it daily. At first, I noticed small comments from him that seemed dismissive. “It’s complicated,” he’d say, or “There are two sides to every story.” I didn’t think much of it initially. I tried to engage him in discussions, hoping to share my perspective and maybe educate him further. But he was increasingly resistant, his tone dismissive, almost condescending. The breaking point came a few weeks ago. We were watching the news, and the footage showed the aftermath of an airstrike in Gaza. Children were crying, buildings reduced to rubble. I was heartbroken by the images. He turned to me and said, “They bring it on themselves, you know.” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was the man I loved, the father of my child, and he was blaming the victims. I tried to reason with him, explain the complexities and the suffering, but he was resolute. He believed that Israel was justified in its actions, that the Palestinians were mostly to blame. I spent the next few days in a fog, questioning everything. How could we be so different on something so fundamental? I realized that this wasn’t just about Gaza; it was about our values, our empathy, and our humanity. We had a long, painful conversation. I told him that I couldn’t stay with someone who lacked empathy. He accused me of being unreasonable, of letting politics ruin our marriage. But this wasn’t just politics to me; this was about human lives, about justice and compassion. How can I stay with someone who doesn’t understand my point of view or be with someone who doesn't care about the cause at all… Any advice of what should I do?

Hi y'all, I'm 21F and been dating my boyfriend (19M) for 9 months now. I would really like your advice on how to not spiral every single time I get triggered. We've had a lot of near break ups, the worst one being a few days ago. He is at his limit with me and I am terrified of losing him.
I'm in DBT therapy, taking meds and all, but still I find myself totally flipping out over the smallest things. How do you prevent it from escalating? (For example, I'll get ridiculously angry, he'll seem annoyed/disappointed because he knows it's happening again, I'll tell myself "he's never going to understand me", "this is it, he's gonna break up with me") Like even when I realize I'm having an episode, I'll just panic even worse because I start to feel like I will never get better and this relationship is doomed.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm scared to death of losing him because of my BPD. Thank you :)

Dday was almost 6 months ago, we’ve had our ups and downs. The first two months, he was obsessed with me, when i told him i was manipulated into a rebound (didn’t sleep with them though), he started questioning his feelings. I was extremely upset, since he started this and my experience was never intentional, or to get pay back. He came to his senses and claimed he confused losing feelings for the confusion and depression he was feeling. After that, he spiraled into a depressive episode, revolving around self-hate and self-sabotage. He never actually did anything though.
Anyway, for the past two/three weeks i can feel him withdrawing and noticing he doesn’t compliment me, touch me, rarely looks at me or maintains eye contact, and our only deep conversations revolve around his mental state, other than that, its just small talk. It hurts. I asked him to be more reassuring so i dont have to worry. He didnt. I asked him if there was anything he was afraid of telling me, and he admitted that he loves me but doesnt know if hes IN love with me (or anything for that matter). I was in shambles, i could see he regretted it as soon as he said it, and he broke down crying mad at himself, he said that it didnt feel “right” when he said it, and felt like he didnt mean it. I asked him if that was just the guilt talking, and he seemed genuine saying it wasnt. I made him think about us and decide to either leave or commit.
He stayed, but it still seems like we’re just chatting as friends. I dont know if its a mental health issue or if hes just texting me because he feels like he has to/owes it to me/feels guilty. And i dont wanna keep bringing it up in fear that it’ll push him away, or that im beating a dead horse. I dont know what to do.

Xue Feng Though the modern medicine has limited knowledge of human bodies, what we have known is enough for us to admire the excellent human body structure and functions. Each system and organ in the human body is designed by the Greatest Creator. Even those trivial body parts have great functions. For example, there are several types of hairs on human bodies with distinct forms and functions. The head hair is designed to protect and beautify the head. It can grow long. According to the Bible, “But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” The eyebrows can divert sweat and rain, preventing them into the eyes. That’s why they are lined above the two eyes. Eyelashes can prevent the dust and other things from entering the eyes. That’s why they are lined on the sides of the eyelids. Also they stand forward in a special curve because it wouldn’t hinder the eyesight or pierce into the eyes when closing the eyes. If the eyebrows and eyelashes are too long, they will hinder the eyesight. That’s why they wouldn’t grow as long as the hair or beards. The nasal hairs can filter the inhaled air. That’s why they grow inside the nostril and stand sideways and outwards. If they stand inwards, the other things will find it easy to come into the nostrils and difficult to go out. The armpit hairs can prevent the partial friction and help the sweat evaporate. Without the armpit hairs, we have to raise our arms. Otherwise the skin under the arm will become inflamed because of the friction and moist. Required by the function, the armpit hairs cannot grow as long as the head hairs, or as short as the eyebrows. Besides, they are soft and curving. If they are rigid and coarse, they will hurt the skin. And cilia grow on the intestinal epithelium. The cilia grow downward and vibrate together. The vibrating waves move downward from upward to help move down the intestinal contents. Cilia also grow on the airway and bronchus epithelium. However, they grow and vibrate in the opposite direction as those on the intestinal epithelium. Only in this way can they move the sputum upward to the throat and spit them. If they grow downward, the airway and bronchus would get stuck by the sputum and the humans would die from it. Now I wish to take two simple reflections of human bodies as an example. When foreign matters enter the nostrils or airways, they will arouse two protective reflections, sneeze or cough, which is designed to repel the foreign matters. But due to different situation, these two reflections differ in their approaches. The foreign matters in the nostrils are not urgent so the sneeze reflection can be prepared in a composed way. First, inhale slowly; open the mouth, and the soft place move upward to block the nostril. Then breathe in enough air through the mouth, and the pleural body contracts sharply to emit the air in the lungs quickly. When the emitting reaches its peak, the tongue rises abruptly to block the mouth to repel the air to go out swiftly through the nostrils. In this way the foreign matters in the nostrils are driven out. However, if the foreign matters enter the airway, it is an emergent situation. If the foreign matters are not driven out timely, the life will be put at risk. The inhaling is strictly forbidden because it will make the foreign matters go deeper and cause suffocation. So the cough doesn’t include the inhaling. Instead, the glottis closes immediately. At the same time, the pleural body contracts suddenly and adds the lung air pressure extremely. When the pressure is at its strongest point, the glottis opens suddenly and the lung air sends out explosively, compelling the foreign matters in the airway to the throat via the glottis. At this time, the soft place rises to block the nostrils. The foreign matters are spit out through the mouth. If the tongue and the soft place perform the same way as in the sneeze, the foreign matters emitted out of the airway will enter the nostrils, causing another trouble. In these two reflections, the body parts must cooperate closely. Any failure in the coordination will lead to the failure of the reflection, causing serious consequences. So these activities are not done freely. Instead, they are done as required by their functions and set procedures. These procedures are not learnt or practices. The program has been rooted in our brain nerve structure (nerve nucleus) when we are born. Otherwise, the babies will not survive. The advanced computer science has made it possible to simulate these activities. However, the simulation requires 3 conditions: 1. Device simulating the inhale and exhaling of human mouth, nose, throat, pleural and the sensing device; 2. The central control equipment simulating nerves and body system (compute, input and output devices). The above two devices are hardware. And software is also needed, namely (3). A program composed in strict compliance with the requirements to control the performance and procedure of each link, and arrange them in perfect coordination. All the three conditions are imperative. Otherwise the reflections can’t be realized. The program itself is not a substance structure. Instead, it is a smart use and spiritual result. There will be no such a thing as the program without the smart use. So we have to ask, the program is composed by the humans and stored in the computer, how about the control program in the human brain. Is it also composed by someone and stored in the human brain? Sneeze and cough are the simplest examples. There are numerous automatically controlled physical, bio-chemical and pathological human body activities, which are even more sophisticated than reflections of cough. Even today, some of them remain mysteries to us. So how are these sophisticated control programs composed? And where do they come from? Now let’s have a look at the sensory organs on human bodies. Why do we have two ears? The reason is that one ear is not able to identify the direction. With the ears lying on two sides of the head, the sound reaches the ears in sequence of time. Based on the slight receiving time difference, the brain can judge where the sound comes from. The auricle is the most outward component of the ear. It can introduce the sound into the external auditory canal. Within the auricle there is a thin layer of cartilage helping to retain the form of auricle, giving it wonderful elasticity and protecting it from the clashes. Without the cartilage, the auricle is just two useless pieces of skin hanging on the head side. If the thin bone is inside the auricle, it will break easily even if when you are sleeping on your side, damaging the auricle. There is fuzz on the outer segment of the external auditory canal preventing the sand and dust. The inner segment secretes cerumen to prevent insects. When foreign matters enter the external auditory canal, it will trigger head shaking, instead of sneeze or cough, to get the matters out. Because the external auditory canal is a blind passage, it is impossible to repel the foreign matters with air. Why don’t the foreign matters in the nostrils arouse the head-shaking reflection to repel them? That’s because the nostrils of humans almost lie in the middle of the head. The shaking is not able to produce enough centrifugal force. Besides, the human nostrils face downward and it is improper to repel the foreign matters by shaking the head. The sound is produced by the mechanical vibration of objects and is transmitted by the air fluctuation, or the sound waves. The human ears are actually working like a precise mechanical vibration monitor. In the inner ear there are a number of keyboards with different sizes, producing nerve impulses produced by echoing with corresponding frequencies. The brain, in accordance with the features of these impulses, identifies the strength, tunes and timbre of the sounds. We must note though there are many sensory organs in human bodies, only the inner ear is protected by the most solid and firm bones. In fact, it lies in the cave part of the temporal bone. Of all the sensory organs, only the ears monitor the mechanical vibration, which needs a relatively fixed position. Otherwise, it is not able to monitor the sound. If the inner ear lies in the soft tissues, when the sound wave arrives, the inner ear will vibrate with it. Thus it can hear nothing. Now the inner ear lies in the firm bone and it can’t sense the air vibration. So it is imperative to reduce the density waves to the mechanical vibrations before sending them to the inner ear. And there is such a reduction device at the middle bottom of the external auditory canal, which is called the eardrum. The eardrum has enough space to receive the air pressure. It is thin enough to vibrate when the sound wave arrives. Meanwhile, the eardrum is strong enough to push the transmission device. The long handle of the middle ear cartilage is attached to its inner side, the tensile force of which makes the eardrum sink inside slightly to maintain certain tension. This allows the eardrum to accurately reduce the arriving sound waves into the mechanical vibrations. No matter what the temperature is, the vibration function is not impacted. After the sound waves are reduced into the mechanical vibration, some rigid objects are needed to transmit the vibration to the inner ear. Of all body tissues, the most rigid objects are the bones. However, the bones are heavy in general and covered by the soft tissues, which are not suitable for the audio vibration. However, in the tympanic cavity between the eardrum and the inner ear, there are three unique tiny bones with delicate forms measured in millimeters. They are almost completely exposed to the air in the tympanic cavity. These three tiny bones are connected by ligament and form a transmission chain in curve with excellent audio vibration function, able to transmit accurately the vibration of the eardrum to the inner ear. The transmission device can properly multiply the weak vibration and reduce the strong sound wave. All of these structures are the super designs required by the acoustics. There are even smarter designs in the hearing organ. For example, to make the eardrum vibrate freely following the arriving sound waves, the two sides of the eardrums must be exposed to the air. As a result, there is a tympanic cavity full of air in the middle ear. If the cavity is filled by liquids, just as other cavities are, the eardrum is not able to vibrate because the liquids can’t contract. Besides, the cavity does not only need to be filled with air, but also needs to be connected to the outside world with a proper passage, to balance the static air pressure in the cavity with the outside air pressure. Otherwise, the air in the cavity will gradually be absorbed, causing the eardrum to sink excessively or damaging it. When the outside air pressure changes, (such as in mountain climbing, diving, the airplane takeoff or climate change), it will arouse uncomfortable feelings or lead to hearing malfunction. But the middle ear can’t be opened to the outside world directly, just like the external auditory canal or nostrils can. The reason is that the direct exposure will make the arriving waving sound reach the two sides of the eardrums at the same time via the external auditory canal and middle ear passage, counteracting the sound pressure. Thus the eardrums will not vibrate at all, unable to produce the hearing. So it is a difficult problem to connect the middle ear and the outside world. However, the human body, with a smart design, solves this problem. The middle ear is opened at the two sides in the upper rear of the pharynx via a half-opened passage (the so-called auditory tube). The auditory tube is locked in common times and only opened temporarily when taking the swallowing actions, balancing the air pressure in the middle ear shortly. After the swallowing action is over, the auditory tube is locked again. Apart from eating, human body would regularly take swallowing action unconsciously, even when he or she is sleeping. Thus the air pressure in the middle ear can be adjusted from time to time and avoid the hearing from being hindered. Besides, when swallowing, the swallowing segment and the soft palate will definitely rise, blocking the mouth and nostrils against the outside world. So on the moment when the ear and throat are opened shortly, though the air in the throat can enter the middle ear, the sound waves from the outside world are blocked against the middle ear. As a result, the hearing will not be interfered and can receive the outside sound and voice. Only the throat in the body can meet the special demand of the hearing organs. The throat is originally designed as part of the digestion and breathing system, it does not belong to sensory system. However, it can cooperate so smartly with the hearing organs. We have to admire the extremely delicate body-wise design. The vestibule in the inner ear controls the balance of the body. In the vestibule there are 3 semicircular canals. When the body loses balance, the mutually-vertical semicircular canals produce the balance impulse, which triggers the corresponding reflection via the balance center in the medulla brain. Why are there 3 semicircular canals instead of 2 or 4? And why are they mutually vertical? The reason is apparent. Humans live in the 3-dimensional space. There are 3 mutually-vertical movement directions, namely, front and rear, left and right, upward and downward. So the 3 mutually-vertical semicircular canals can monitor the movements. The number less than 3 or more than 3 would be insufficient or redundant. We can see the delicate and smart structure and function, and the supreme wisdom in them. They can’t be the accidental results. As the most important perception of human bodies, vision provides more information than that provided by all other perceptions. The vision is the perception of image and space and the visual organs must have the most precise and accurate structure completely different from other sensory organs. As a result, in the perspective of the embryo-genesis or neuro-anatomy, the main structure of the eyes is not just the common receptor. Instead, it is part of the cerebral cortex. The so-called optic nerves are completely different from other cerebrospinal nerves. In essence, the optic nerves are inner structure in the brain, transmitting the most sophisticated visual information. The eyes function like a precise camera. The retina composed of the photoreceptor cells is just like the films. The crystal, iris and the cornea works like the lens, diaphragm and the filter. However, the precision and automatic adjustment of the eyes is no match of any high-quality cameras. For example, the lens in modern cameras is made of special glass or hard plastics with fixed focal distance. When taking pictures for the landscapes with different distances, the lens position must be adjusted. Otherwise, the image will not be produced on the films. But this is an awkward approach. Imagine when the eyes are watching landscapes with different distances, the eyeballs have to protrude or recess alternatively, which looks ugly or damages the health and function of the eyes. However, the crystal in the eyes are transparent and elastic colloid, which can adjust automatically the focal distance in accordance with the distance of the objects to make sure all the objects can be imaged on the retina, without changing the position of the crystal. Such automatic adjustment function can’t be fulfilled by any camera. If we observe the eyes in the perspective of modern TV technologies, the eyes are more like the television camera, but thousands of times more precise than the television cameras. The TV image is composed of dense pixels (the mixed dark or brilliant light spots). Till now, the best TV image only contains less than 1 million pixels. However, the human eyes can produce image containing 20 billion pixels. Only the eyes can see the details of objects. No matter how clear or accurate the image is, it is still a plan view image. Then how the eyes can provide the dimensional image is a key issue of providing the complete vision. But it is not an easy task at all to convert the flat view image into the dimensional one. For a long time, people have been puzzled by how the conversion is done. Of course, we later knew the smartness and delicacy of the human body shown here. The two eyes send the flat view images they receive into the same nerve center, which contrasts and analyzes the images and judges the distance of the objects based on the slight visual angle difference caused by the position difference of the two eyes. Thus the dimensional image is produced. That’s why people have to have 2 eyes to establish the complete vision. Based on such understanding, humans have invented the dimensional movies. But the above is only the external process of how vision is formed. People have little knowledge about how the visual center works inside. We have to admit that the mysteries of human body structure and functions are beyond the intelligence of mankind. As a matter of fact, the distance judgment with two eyes is the triangulation technique which is precise and automatic. The accurate measurement needs two premises. First, the two eyes must focus on one object at the same time. Otherwise, there will be double vision, which means the one objects will be seen as two objects. As a result, the complete neuromuscular system is equipped on the outside of the eyeballs, making the eyeballs the most flexible and accurate organs. The ciliary muscle inside the eyeballs can adjust the conversion rate of the crystal at any time to focus on the object and form the clearest image. Second, the retina of the two eyes must be strictly symmetrical. Otherwise, the image contrast of the two eyes will become impossible. Furthermore, the images received by the two eyes must be transmitted at the same time to the same visual center for contrast and analysis. There are two visual nerves on the left and right side of the brain, supervising respectively the two sides of the vision field. The objects in the left of the vision field are reflected, via the eye pupil, on the retina of the right sides of the two eyeballs. The corresponding images in the two eyes, via the visual nerve, are sent to the visual center on the right side of the brain. The objects in the right of the vision field are reflected, via the eye pupil, on the retina of the left sides of the two eyeballs. The corresponding images in the two eyes, via the visual nerve, are sent to the visual center on the left side of the brain. The two visual nerves contrast the corresponding images coming from the eyes and produce the full-field dimensional images. The pairs of human parts are often symmetrical on the outside. Only the retinas are symmetrical in the same position. Namely, the left side is symmetrical to the left side and the right side symmetrical to the right side of the two retinas. That’s because the light rays come in directly. Otherwise, the visual centers can’t receive the corresponding images or get the coordinated vision. The structural symmetry of the retinas in the two eyes must be accurate to the utmost. Otherwise the images in the two eyes will not comply with each other and the ambiguity will occur. Besides, the corresponding images from the two eyes must be sent to the same visual center. Thus the optic nerves must have the corresponding special structure to realize the cross-transmission of the images. This is the unique “chiasma opticum” unique to the optic nerves. This function is not possessed by any other nervus cerebrospinalis because they don’t handle the information of images and space. If we use the computers and monitoring cameras to simulate the process of human vision, the input network of the computers has to have a similar chiasm. No other design can do it. Judging from the above, we can find all the human organs, structures and functions have shown the supreme wisdom. And these are the ways they should be. Some people think that human body has some useless organs, such as the thymus gland, appendix, tonsil and coccyx, in order to prove the human structure is imperfect. Some people used to believe that these organs were not that useful. Instead, they tend to arouse diseases such as appendicitis and tonsillitis. If these organs are cut off, it will not have much impact on the human body. In the past, people used to classify spleens and other organs into the useless organs. There was a list of useless organs in the past which included over 100 organs. But the list was long not because these organs are useless but because people at the time were ignorant. As more we know about the organs, most of them have been deleted from the list and there are only a few still remain in the list. Some people think that these organs are the leftovers of human evolution, which are called the “waste back organs” and use them as one of the evidences of evolution theory. This is a complete misunderstanding. Till not we have understood there are no such things as the “obsolescent organs”. It is simply the lack of knowledge of these organs. Take the thymus gland as an example. In the past, people didn’t know its function. Now we have understood it is the warning device of the human body against the inner and outer infection sources. As a result, the thymus gland contributes a lot to the human health. Another example, if the coccyx fractures, it will cause serious functional disturbance. So the coccyx is also an imperative part of human body. Some people might say these organs can trigger diseases. Then all human organs can lead to diseases, even brain and heart are of no exceptions. Why don’t we say the brain and heart are useless? Some organs, though they are not as important as the heart and brain and wouldn’t endanger life immediately when eliminated, are also useful. Just like if the hands or feet are lost, though not fatal, the human body is handicapped. After knowing the supreme and smart design of human structures and functions, you might want to know how they come into being. Who has designed and made such sophisticated and precise organs? We cannot avoid the question. Any truth-seeking person would admit that the extremely delicate organs and structures are not produced naturally or accidently. For instance, if someone gives you a top-class camera and tells you it is a natural one without designer or manufacturer; do you think his words are scientific and acceptable? The human body, which is even more delicate, accurate, flexible and practical, must have a supremely wise and capable creator behind it. On a spring Sunday morning in 1954, I saw a young stranger sitting in the chamber of a Church. When we started to talk, I knew that he was a student at Peking Union Medical College. He said to me, “Since I studied anatomy and physiology, I have felt the human body is really a wonder. It is not possible to understand it unless we interpret the wonder with a God.” He came to the church to seek an answer. The wonder of this young man is not the only example. I remember that when I was studying anatomy and physiology in school, some students surrounded our physiology teacher and kept asking him questions. Finally, the teacher, annoyed by so many questions, told us, “Please stop the questions because they will lead to religion in the end.” Because of the special political background at the time, the teacher’s warning silenced all the students. But his warning impressed me deeply and remained in my memory till today. My thought at that time was that the teacher was right because all the things were created by the God. Though he was not a Christian, he had to admit the truth and the further probe into the human body mysteries (part of the Universe mysteries) would definitely lead to the existence of the God (religion) in the end. Otherwise, it would be impossible to explain the wonders of the human body. The Bible says, “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse.”(1:20 Romans 1) Was the teacher demonstrating his scientific spirit? No. The scientific spirit means the truth and boldly pursuit of the truth without avoiding any controversy. The teacher knew very clearly that one more step forward would lead to the God but he dared not move onto the path towards the truth. Instead, he asked his students to stop there. It has shown that many people refuse to admit the existence of God not because they don’t have the scientific spirit but because of the social pressure, individual consideration for their interest and prospect, just as what the teacher was doing at that time. Nevertheless, the existence of the God would not change. And we cannot live in such considerations for the reality forever. One day in the future, when we have to face the ultimate choice, we will have to face the supreme master who has created the Universe and the human beings. The Bible says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.” If we don’t accept the immoral God now, we have no excuse when it comes to the day. When we talk about the origin of all things in the Universe, some young people often ask, “You have said the humans are created by the God, then who has created the God?” The analogizing logics seem to be reasonable. But it is not true. Because the God is the creator instead of the created, you can’t link these together. The table is made by the carpenter. But you cannot say the carpenter and the table have the same origin. Human benings’ understand of the God is only limited to the enlightenment from the God to the humans. Otherwise, humans cannot understand the mystery of God’s nature. The God says, “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.” (Exodus 3:14 and Revelation 1:8). For the God, there is only the eternality, and there is no time, beginning or ending. Even in the scientific field, too many analogizing questions won’t be tolerated. One scholar was talking about the belief in the God with his students. One student asked suddenly and proudly, “Where does the Universe come from?” The scholar answers, “The Universe is created by the God.” The student continued to ask, “Who has created the God?” The scholar answered, “The God is Alpha and Omega and I am not created.” The student said, “This is not scientific at all.” The scholar then asked the student, “Where does the Earth come from?” The student answered, “The Earth comes from the Sun.” The scholar continued to ask, “Where does the Sun come from?” The student answered, “The Sun comes from the Galaxy.” The scholar asked again, “Where does the Galaxy come from?” The student hesitated and answered, “The Galaxy comes from the nature.” The scholar continued to ask, “Where does the nature come from?” The student couldn’t answer this question and said in anger, “The nature is the nature and comes naturally.” The scholar then laughed, “This is not scientific at all.” So we can conclude that the “scientific” answers are not scientific. Another example is that the sciences tell people that substances are composed of the molecules. Then what are the molecules composed of? The molecules are composed of the atoms. But what are the atoms composed of? They are composed of the electrons, protons and neutrons. Then what are the electrons, protons and neutrons composed of? Till now, we cannot find an answer to this question. The atomic physicists are now working hard to find the “elementary particle”. They are called “basic particles” because the scientists don’t expect the substances to be divided limitlessly. So they believe that one day they will find the ultimate component, the “elementary particle”. Of course, the scientists will not ask such question of “what is something composed of?” This is the extremity and everything ends here. The materialists claim that the Universe is limitless and that the materials are eternal and can be divided limitlessly, etc. They are simply the groundless conclusion of the philosophers. And there is an extremity in their logics, the materials. They say that the materials are Alpha and Omega but can’t tell where the materials come from. Now let’s have a look at the math. All numbers come from 1, followed by 2, 3…. You can’t ask what the 1 is because 1 is 1, and not other numbers. It means that 1 is the origin of all numbers. The Greatest Creator has created all things and the Greatest Creator is the origin of them. It will be meaningless to ask where the Greatest Creator comes from.

For context: Me (F30) and my husband (M32) got married 8 years ago. After we had our 1st child I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. I was not a pleasant person to be around during this time, but we had yet to really fight, until I happened to see that my husband was messaging & flirting with a woman I did not recognize. I was able to read the convo before he noticed I was looking. I confronted him, he was immediately defensive stating he was talking to one of his friends before storming off. I had never been a paranoid person up until that moment. I dropped the argument, went through his phone a few nights later and found conversations with several women. I took photos and confronted him a couple of days later, and tried to show him that I had proof and found it had been deleted from my phone. This is the first time he had told me I was crazy. The next several years were plagued with arguments and mental breakdowns. At some point I started to believe I was actually crazy. Similar scenarios played out over the next 2 1/2 years. I would have some kind of proof of his indiscretions and it would always be deleted. At some point, he was drunk and admitted to me that he was talking to other women. He to convince me it wasn’t “really” cheating, because it was only online and it was the same thing as watching porn. When this confession was later brought up, I “imagined it” and he had never said that. In the next couple of years I had our 2 child. Around our 5th wedding anniversary, he left his phone unlocked for the first time in 3 years. I saw he was messaging multiple women. I still vividly remember what I saw. I took photos and reached out to several women. He had been talking to one for as long as we were married, and I learned was not just “online fun.” I confronted him and left. We were separated for over a year. I had not filed for divorce, yet. I’m one who believes in fighting for your marriage. I sought out counseling and one day, he cried to me to let him join the counseling. We attended counseling together for multiple months and eventually moved back in together. I remained guarded and paranoid. He’s never truly owned up to what he did. Counseling faded away over time. I’ve always wanted answers, I want to know everything and I want to hear it from the horses mouth. I’ve never gotten that.
To the best of my knowledge, he has stopped talking to other women and has been more attentive and loving. Recently he has been considering taking a position within his company that would require frequent traveling to different locations across the country. This has resulted in arguments. I bring up the past and he responds by telling me that it’s been long enough, and that I need to let go. This has caused a huge rift between us again, and he says that I am in the wrong for trying to control him.
AITA for not letting go of the past and trying to prevent him from taking a traveling position?

This is gonna be a long one since I don’t have anyone to turn to for help. My brother has been doing substances for years and ever since he moved back from University he still does but since he’s been back he’s saying the most weird things, that people are controlling every second of his life, and being extremely aggressive with me and my family. I don’t feel safe around him I feel like he might actually hurt one of my family members because of the mental illness as well as the aggression. It’s ruined my parents life, and my sisters have really bad mental illness as well, they both attempted suicide last year. This has also deteriorated my mental health and I can’t really function normally anymore seeing my family go through hell like this. My brother starts insulting me out of no where, he came into my room at 5AM demanding that I give him a joint and I said no please let me sleep, and then he got mad and started insulting me. I don’t know what to do anymore I can’t live with him anymore but I also don’t want to abandon my sisters and parents. I really need to figure out how to save my family but I don’t have anyone I feel like would help me but I really need it

Hours ago, I cried over a bar of Irish Spring because it smelled like someone I terribly miss.
We typically use a different soap brand in our house, and because of that, our bathrooms smell like that brand of soap. Earlier, when I got in the shower, I was taken aback because it smelled different.
I am not exaggerating when I say that I got goosebumps when I realized I was smelling the scent of Irish Spring. Irish Spring was his soap.
I know this sounds silly, but I got teary-eyed, staring at the newly opened bar of Irish Spring on the soapdish. Naging isang oras tuloy ang 15-minute shower kasi nag-emote pa ako, haha!
It's been some time since we last spoke. He wants no contact with me, and I respect that. Kahit nga nung nagkasalubong kami the other day, hindi ko siya nilapitan in honor of the unspoken pact of peace between us. But scents evoke the strongest and most profound emotions in me. I can ignore all my other senses, just not my sense of smell.
Kaya naiyak talaga ako sa amoy ng Irish Spring. All the thoughts I had suppressed the past weeks came bursting out. I didn't like thinking about how I felt abandoned. I didn't like thinking about how he made my failures about him.
I busied myself to get him off my mind, and every time I did think of him, I forced myself to see him in a good light. He's a great guy, and I will continue to admire him for a long time. But he has hurt me very much, and I would've never known the extent of my anguish had I not smelled Irish Spring in our bathroom.
So ayun, naligo akong malungkot at namimiss siya. Hindi ko ginamit ang Irish Spring; nag-body wash nalang ako, haha!
Right now, I wish things were different. I want a chance to talk things through. I want to see him one last time to confront him with all this. But if that is impossible, I just want his sincere apology.
TL;DR: boycott Irish Spring. Kidding!

I, 27f, and my ex D.D., 27m, had been high-school sweethearts and moved in together after high school. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and we were happy for years. Then, in the last year of our relationship, he grew cold towards me and borderline abused me. After attempting to talk to him, he left me one week when i was extremely sick and I ended up in urgent care after my family came to get me. My ex was not there nor did he care so I left him. After some time, I kept him in my life as he was still a friend in my heart. I kept him at a distance, but still friends. I never got over him. It's 4.5 years later and he started talking to me more, telling me about work and complaining about his gf, C.S.. I had never met C.S. so I gave him advice. He then starts talking about how he misses me and dreams about me. This makes me feel nice but I kind of ignore it. He again complains about C.S., then goes into detail how much he misses me. Days go by with this. Then, he stops messaging as much one day. After a week, he talks about how he can't leave his gf and how he's not available. I understand but I told him he hurt me. He then goes on to insult me by saying I use him as therapy, that I haven't changed, how we could never be in a relationship, and thay his gf is amazing and he won't leave her. I was baffled since he was complaining about her, saying he thought she was only using him since she was self reliant. I asked if he told his gf what he did and he said she had access to all his texts. He then goes on to tell me I make him uncomfortable and how he's going to block me. I have been a sobbing mess ever since and feel like i lost a friend. I can barely eat, i cant sleep, and he haunts my dreams. I hate it. I have no idea what this is or why this happened. I feel heart broken and don't know what to do or what to make of this situation. What do I do?

I found out that my now ex bf is married. We were only together a month but it still hurts and it’s humiliating.
He was orthodox too. Apparently he had cheated on his wife and she wants a divorce. They’ve been estranged for a year.
The thing is, I knew something was wrong but I ignored my instincts because I tend to be negative. I thought I was just being seeing the bad as usual and I ignored my intuition.
I knew he wasn’t good for me spiritually. He convinced me to sleep with him (I know it takes two to make that decision). I stopped praying out of guilt. Every time I’d say we had to stop, he’d get me to do it again.
After he confessed everything, he said he still wanted to be with me and he didn’t know if he was orthodox anymore and that we could still be together. I obviously couldn’t.
I can’t even say I’m shocked. When he told me, I just thought “of course”. I just knew.
After I broke it off, he said I “as you wish”, and then sent me a 🤗 and then blocked me.
I’m just sad. It was only a month but I still developed feelings for him and care about him. I know that’s stupid to care so much about someone who obviously doesn’t care about me. But I do.
Please pray God will have mercy on him and me. That God would forgive us. Please pray that he find his way back to the church.

Hey everyone, hope you’re all doing well. I (23M) recently got diagnosed with autism. I’m originally from Kochi, Kerala, and currently working in Chennai. This diagnosis came just a few weeks ago. After college in Chennai, I got a job offer from a company here, and since then, I started noticing certain things about myself. My team lead had a talk with me, suggesting I look into my well-being, and eventually, I found out I’m autistic.
I shared this with my dad, who lives in Kochi, and we realized he might also be on the spectrum. We’re planning a joint consultation when I visit home. Initially, my dad thought I was exaggerating, but after doing some research, both he and my mom agreed with me. So far, I’ve only discussed this with four of my friends because of the misconceptions about autism in India.
I haven’t figured out how to open up to the rest of my family about this. For a long time, I’ve been annoyed by certain things they do but kept it to myself to avoid causing a scene. They generally think I’m laid-back and mostly chill, though socially awkward. If someone disturbs me, I might react strongly, which has led to a few incidents. I come across as rude sometimes without meaning to, but they attribute it to social awkwardness. I also avoid texting, preferring long conversations over the phone or in person, which they just see as part of my character. And also generally VERY clumsily. But mostly positive and think good of me,
But I wanted to let them know that I am autistic, just so that in the future I can avoid any misunderstanding and fights. But after a recent event I am shit scared. So My oldest cousin got married to this guy back in 2018. But later turned out he had BPD and the shit that they talked and done to him is just appalling. The only person who were supporting him was my parents and a few cousins (There is no SA for DA, its just that my sister found him odd and after he was diagionised she just left him cold, like they have 2 kids with him, but still she just left him like she never knew him cause of u know misconption), My parent where like at least lets support him for his treatment but they were like NOPE. And the shitest thing is they got divorced by telling the court he was abscounding and did some shady stuff so they can be legally divorced but doesn't have to inform him because they got scared on how he would react. FFS they even denied to have the kids visit him. I ain't no legal expert but long story short they got divorced and the poor guy thinks she would come back to him with the kids after he gets his MH in order.
So after this incident I am shit on how to proceed, cause I feel something similar can happen to me. My parents also warned not to tell anyone about this. I have a cousin who is the US, she is my first cousin and the same age is me. We are pretty close so i was wondering starting from there, and she is from my mom's side of the family (the same one where the divorced story happened) and for my dad's side I have a cousin who lives in Bangalore, he is like very old, like his son is 4 years younger than me. But a very chill dude, I can rely on him. But I have no clue on how to proceed with this so if anyone who has a similar experience or any idea on how to do it, do let me know cause i have no clue on how to tell another person that I am autsitc.
Also thank you to everyone who took their time to read this very long post, sorry for that.

My best friend (18F) is visiting me for the weekend. Our families are very close so we’ve been friends for more than a decade, I don’t see her very often so I was excited to make plans with her.
She’s been talking and seeing this guy (21M) that lives in the same city as me, so lately when she’s been visiting me she’s been meeting up with him. She was only staying for two days so for the first day we hung out, the second she met up with him. After their date, he dropped her off and she started telling me that they had sex in the back of his car. This was fine until I asked if they used protection which she answered, “No, but he pulled out!” I was literally baffled. I knew she wasn’t the smartest person but I didn’t think she could stoop to that level, I let her know that pre-cum is a thing and that it was totally irresponsible of her to which she said was a MYTH, and then she said that guys can’t feel anything with a condom and that if i ever want to have sex I should respect how a condom makes a guy feel.
I was literally just in shock at this point so I told her, point blank, “Any guy i’m going to have sex with will respect my body and will use a condom no matter what. Just because you’re willing to risk pregnancy to please some freak in the back of his dusty car doesn’t mean i will, gain a little common sense and take sex ED again and get back to me.”
I was very harsh in my tone and it really wasn’t one of my proudest moments, but to cut it short she got angry and stormed off. She’s leaving today and it’s super awkward, but she literally left me speechless. AITA?

I'd like to preface this by saying I do not think any advice that promoted toxicity is worth typing out. I feel like unhealthy behavior in relationships is often encouraged in our society and I want nothing to do with that. The reason I say this is because too often I see straight monogamous couples consider even making eye contact with the opposite gender as some form of cheating or categorize innocent interactions as forms of cheating.
In my relationship, I 100% trust my partner and believe that he behaves appropriately and is kind to everyone he meets. He is a genuine soul and is full of love light and laughter. He treats me like royalty and I've never felt more loved than I have with him- not even from my own family members. I feel I have to place emphasis on his personality because I know from the depths of my soul that this person will never ever do anything to hurt me.
He and I both share the view that we do not wish to partake in this toxic heteronormative culture of having to ask eachother permission to do something in case it's considered cheating because we both know right from wrong. So here comes in his coworker, she's a lovely woman and they are all a part of a group that frequently spend a lot of time together .
They all travel together as well and I've noticed that she happens to be next to him in a lot of photos- which on its own says nothing. However one time we were all watching a movie and I had been fidgeting between a cramped sofa and floor for 2 hours because I dislike sitting on the floor but when I finally asked my partner to swap so I could sit on the couch she made a comment saying im making him sit on the floor but said nothing when i was the whole time. She was sitting in his seat and I assumed it was because she wanted to befriend me but that threw me off.
Not sure if this should raise alarms because I don't want to be the woman who sabotages female friendships with the delusion that someone is attracted to her partner. But I can't help but think, he is such a lovely soul and I would understand if she did have a minor crush but I don't know how to wrap my head around that really if that were the case.

(First one had a decent reception so uh... heres part two. Im gonna do these as often as I can as long as people still like em. If they fall off then oh well. Im still happy so many people like it.)
I contemplated, for what seemed to be an eternity, whether or not to kill it. Just... another bug I told myself. My hand was shaking... why was I shaking? Why couldnt I do it? Why? Just lift your gun, and fire. Do it you coward. Do it. My fingers desperately clutched the pistol grip. I could feel a bead of sweat drip down my wrist inside my glove.
3 must've picked up on my sudden anxiety. They handed me their teddy bear. "Its okay mister. Mr Ears will keep us safe. He usually protects me but you can borrow him if you want."
I stared at the bear. It was a ragged thing. A typical brown teddy bear that had been torn and resown multiple times. It had bloodstains on its belly and the color had faded from what I can only assume was years spent as a sponge for tears. Its ears were strangely enough a bright yellow color. The same yellow every helldiver knows all too well. Despite its condition you could tell this bear was well loved. And here this child was offering it to me.
I holstered my senator and grabbed the teddy. It felt oddly void of stuffing. Most likely from the constant resowing that was done. I held it back out to 3. "Ill let you hold on to him for now kid. But keep him close okay? Were gonna have a tough time gettin out of here so he'll need to help out alright?"
3 nodded. Damn. Hell of a name for a kid. Gotta think of something else. For now though, I had to find another way to get the beacon working. It had power, but no way to activate it. I wondered if I could reroute one of the broadcasting stations to send out a signal. Hell, we blow em up enough cant be too hard to get it working. I pulled up the local scan on the planets surface. There were a few points of interest I logged before I lost contact with the Mother of Iron.
First, was obviously extract. Needed to keep that saved. Second was a number of different bug holes we managed to clear out before extract. Ill keep those in just to be safe. Third, here it was. An illegal broadcasting station. It was a longshot for a number of reasons. One, I had to find a way to carry the beacons transmitter 4 miles north on a bug infested planet. Thats the easy part. Second... well. Ive got to get 3 there alive with me. I didnt know what had stopped me from killing them at the moment but now I think that it was the thought that maybe our on ship doctors could cure her. Yeah. Thats it! If.. IF I could get us off this rock then we would both be able to get the best care there is. That.. yeah. That could work. Third though. Third was the hardest part. It was rare for a superdestroyer to turn around and send extract for a single Helldiver that had, in their eyes, failed to make it on board the first one. I had to convince them it was worth the time, and money, needed to be spent. Damn. I guess I had time to think of a pitch. For now. Beacon. Broadcasting tower. Simple.

TLDR: MY daughters dad showed up 2 years ago and has been inconsistent at best in these two years. AITA for wanting to block him and proceed as if he never contacted us?
AITA
This is gonna be probably pretty long and all over the place but I'll try and keep it straight and to the point.
So I have a daughter. She is 11 almost 12. For the first 9+ years of her life her dad had not been involved. ( She was a fortune product of a one night stand) When he showed up almost two years ago it was with some fabricated story that a child support case worker alienated him and threatened him with harassment if he pursued a relationship with his daughter. I did try to reach out a couple times when she was younger trying to encourage a relationship between them and all attempts went ignored. He says this is because he was afraid I was setting him up. Well up until this past December I took him at his word. He was semi involved until that point. In December he met a woman and all contact stopped minus a few check ins and multiple inappropriate messages to me considering he was in a relationship. Each time this happened I would lay a boundary. During one of these contacts he promised he'd send his child support and $100 for Christmas/Birthday gift for her. That did not happen. He instead sent me a dirty video saying he "hoped that made up for it" 🤮🤮🤮 at this point I lost my iiisssshhhhh on him and told him essentially he was in a relationship and needed to knock it off. I didn't want to see that and it was disrespectful to me and his partner.
He moved in with this partner within a month of meeting her. Red flag right?
Before he met her I was trying to help him find an apartment locally as he lives 200 miles away. I absolutely advocated for him to have a relationship with his daughter from the second he showed up because I've never been the type to keep my children from their father unless it was for good reason. He was supposed to get her a phone and pay for it so they could maintain contact. Never happened. I supplied the phone and the service and it was silent.
After he had sent me that video I had put him on restricted on FB so I didn't get any messages from him. I finally get a call from him on Valentine's day apologizing for his behavior and letting me know he was sending some child support that day.
Then at some point in March he reaches out again saying he was no longer with this girl and he was sorry for his absence and he'd do better. The following week our daughter's phone caught fire and I let him know (not that he was contacting her anyways). The next day he said his cousin had gifted him a phone and he wanted to send it to our daughter. Cool. Let's do it. Then he texts a few days later saying he would be in a town 45 miles south of me and could I meet him and said girlfriend to receive the phone and bring our daughter so he could see her. (At this point the last I knew him and chick had broken up). I said no thanks you can drop it in the mail and I would not be bringing our daughter to meet him with the on again off again girlfriend. I found that extremely disrespectful as he had stopped contact with our daughter when he met this woman and I did not feel comfortable bringing my daughter to meet her or even really dealing with her myself. They obviously have an unstable relationship. He called me petty, we had som choice words and again I didn't hear from him.
Two days ago our daughter was admitted to a psychiatric facility after I found some very concerning diary entries by my daughter talking about Una living herself.
Since coming into our lives my daughter has turned into a mean spirited person. She will fat shame her brothers, hit and push her you get siblings and is just kind of generally abusive to everyone around her. She's told me multiple times she's angry at him and very hurt.
Anyways, I figured he ought to know she's being admitted as this is pretty serious. His response was "we are trying to figure a way up there". As in him and the girlfriend were going to come up while our child was in crisis. I went off again. Telling him again he has chosen this woman over our daughter and how dare he think it's appropriate to bring this woman up here while outr daughter is in crisis. I told him it is up to our daughter if they are involved and just showing up ESPECIALLY with the person she feels (justifyibly so) that he chose over her while she's in crisis. He come back with he has no idea why I'm bringing it back to him and the girlfriend when we should be focusing on getting our daughter better. My stance is, he brought it up. He asked for eventually for us all to be able to be cool and again he implied he was going to try and bring her up here to visit our daughter in the hospital. I laid a boundary. And some how I am the one not focusing on our daughter right now.
This was yesterday and I have not heard one word from him. He has not inquired as to how our daughter is, what facility she is at, how he can contact her. Nothing. I am so irate at this point I am seeing red.
AITA for being so angry at him? In my state abandonment is after 6 months. He was gone for 9 years. He has been inconsistent at best especially the last 6 months or so. Would I be justified in just blocking him and continuing on with our life like he never showed up?

This might not be a big issue, but I really needed to get this off my chest. I have a good life, I really do. I could be homeless, starving, or living in a country where you would probably die by the age of 3. But why is it that I have one of if not the most potential(math-wise) in my school, yet other people get to have special programs that they can go to that they don't even care about? My family can't afford that because it's a thousand dollars for one class! Yet they act like it's no big deal, that it's nothing to care about. I would love to go to that program, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. But they don't even care about it! It's like they never have to go through any hardships, and when I started asking them about their life, it turns out they don't! Their parents aren't divorced, they have a stable income, nobody in their family has any medical complications, and from what I can tell, they never have had a family member die! But can you guess what happens in MY life? In 2023, my family almost ALWAYS had an argument that resulted in shouting every, SINGLE, DAY! My parents are divorced, my grandfather died, my dog who had been there my whole life passed away, my cat who isn't even that old is having life-threatening seizures which my family can't pay for because it's $3,000.00 for a scan to see what's the issue, NOT INCLUDING THE MEDICINE! My parents are divorced, my oldest brother went to Texas in 2020-2021, and my dad is having to do rehab and my mom is always talking shit about him behind our backs! In 2023, she didn't even talk shit about him behind our backs, SHE DID IT RIGHT INFRONT OF US! WITH NO REGRET! The kids that get that wealthy lifestyle don't care about anything. They're often times disrespectful, don't participate in class, and really just don't have any actual effort to do things. Meanwhile me, I constantly think about my family's financial situation. I always try to be nice to the people that deserve it. The last half of the time I got to do a project on, I gave up ALL of my school free-time to go and do that! And you wanna know what my team members did on the FINAL DAY, when we could still improve our grade? Two of them who said they'd show up didn't, one of them went in but didn't do SHIT, and the ONLY ONE who actually helped started helping when there was 8 minutes left. I know that life isn't fair, but I'm trying to find some reason that this is happening to me, BUT I CAN'T! I can't find a singular reason that any of this is happening to me! I'm academically gifted, I try and be respectful and kind to others, I work hard in school, yet all of this happens to me while everybody else that I know doesn't have any issues in their lives, but in my life, apparently I just deserve all of this that's happening to me.

I just wanted to share my experience here and as I had never seen something like this and I actually had an OVERWHEMINGLY positive experience with this surgery. I realise there is luck + age(29) involved but pre-hab really paid off.
There will be a tl;dr + my final PREHAB exercises.
On march 3rd I tore my MCL (2nd degree) + ACL (full tear) + Lateral meniscus (2nd degree leision) from my MRI. I couldn’t bear any weight and upon ER visit I was given a brace.
First 30 days I wore the brace (because of the torn MCL which requires it to heal on its own) and could only put a very minimal amount of weight on my injured leg. Did that, then started PT on day 30.
Day 30 after injury - had no muscle on my leg, couldn’t bend my knee at all. Had my first PT session where they removed my brace. I started PT 3 times a week at a sports centre where they also worked with the best surgeons in my city. PT was kind of painful and started out slow but it was getting better each day. On week 2 of PT I started doing all the exercises at home on rest days, so basically I did PT 7 times per week.
Day 60 after injury - was supposed to have my surgery here but my Physio suggested to my surgeon to delay. I still went for a check up where my surgeon said he could have done the surgery that week and it was good enough but I/We declined and opted in to wait another 2 weeks of PT. At this point in time my leg was still a bit stiff but after warming up I could bend it properly. My extension was also pretty good / flat but couldn’t match my hyperextension.
Day 60 - 74 after injury - I kept going hard at PT for the last two weeks before surgery, sometimes I did PT at home twice, even went for stationary bike at the gym. At this point for the extra added two weeks, my leg actually started feeling like my own leg again. The progress, as suggested by my PT, was INSANE. Day and night difference. Some days still felt a bit stiff but I was able to lower the bicycle seat a lot, gained a bunch of muscle back, swelling in the mornings was VERY minimal. I could sleep on my side etc. I felt like a normal person again. Sure I could only walk slowly but I didn’t have ANY limp anymore, so much that car drivers would get annoyed at me at crossroads for walking slowly.
Day 75 after injury - SURGERY DAY. I went in pretty nervous but I talked to my PT who as I mentioned also worked at the clinic and was there right before my surgery. He gave me encouraging words but I was still in panic mode. My turn for surgery came, went in, had the ?partial anasthesia where you stop feeling your legs which felt super weird to me. I was still pretty nervous and kind of shivering so they asked if I wanted full anasthesia or just some sort of drugs added to my systems to relax. I said I wanted the funny thing (LOL) and sure enough, the nurse puts in the funny thing and within what felt like 30 seconds, I started laughing in my head and hearing my own voice saying funny shit like “lol finally getting surgery this shits cool haha”. It felt super weird as my anxiety disappeared within seconds. That’s when the surgeon popped in my view and told me the good news - my meniscus had healed properly (as well as the MCL) since I wore the brace for 30 days after injury and did prehab. The guys at my prehab place did tell me most times with the brace and prehab the meniscus can fix itself but I didn’t think that would be my case. So when surgeon told me I did a big thumbsup, laughed a bit and said some dumb shit like “awesome” lol. My entire 2 hour ACL surgery felt like 5 minutes after they had put in the “relax” drug. I loved it, I barely remember any of it other than seeing my leg being thrown around a bit. DEFINITELY ASK FOR THE FUNNY DRUG IT MADE ME SO CALM AND HAPPY (I never do any other drugs, rarely drink etc but this felt like getting verrrryyy tipsy right before going black out drunk usually lol). Surgery’s done, it’s a success, they send me back to my room. This place also uses drainage for 48hr so you stay in the clinic. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but I was so buzzed up with the funny things and kept telling each nurse how good the stuff they put in me was LOL. I probably still looked worried as they kept making jokes about me being very worried and how they’d take care. They kept asking me if I had any pain and that’s when I used my REDDIT KNOWLEDGE and told them my pain was 1/10 but I heard you wanna take meds preemptively as if you feel any pain - meds not gonna work. Some time passed and they gave me the hardcore painkillers in my veins. They had some “program” where they give you stuff each 4 hours. I felt NO PAIN AT ALL. My accident felt WORSE than laying in the hospital bed post op. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but it never did.
ONE DAY POST OP - I was playing on my switch when at about 9 AM my PT storms into the room and starts telling me to quit playing lmao. He asked me if I could do a leg raise, and sure enough I could. I knew I could because while laying down I kind of kept checking my mind muscle connection and even after surgery I could still feel my muscles. He tells me to do 25 and he’ll be back later. Mind you, 25 leg raises with a drainage and a heavy-ish brace, under painkillers that were given me an hour earlier as part of the 1 per 4 hour things. But I was able to do them.
Fast forward one hour and my PT is back. He’s telling me that we’re gonna start walking. I’m happy and get up. Immedietely a bit lightheaded so I took some water and was standing up on two crutches. They had previously shown me how to use crutches at PT, so I tried to walk as fast and normal looking as possible. To my shock, 3 steps in, my PT literally laughed and KICKED THE BACK OF MY OPERATED LEG and said “go faster nothing to worry about, I don’t gave much time here lol”. The kick kinda hurt but it made me more confident walking. I did about 10-15 steps on two crutches, he told me to not lean on them but just use for balance. Did some more steps and he literally grabbed one of my crutches and ran away laughing. Told me that I only need one and sure enough - I could walk with one crutch (and the basic support brace). He then taught me how to go up and down stairs and gave me 6 exercises to do in my hospital bed. I did them and that was it. He said “no limit on walking and bear as much weight as you can”. I literally couldn’t believe it. Day ONE post op, one crutch. I had NEVER even read a story like that on this sub. Felt crazy good to know that doing the 6 weeks PT with him saved me so much trouble. As a side note, the other patients in my room, some of which with the same doctor felt TRAMENDOUS amount of pain, couldn’t sleep, kept hearing them do little screams from the pain etc. etc. etc. I was the only one who did extreme PT before surgery from my room.
Day 2 post op - had drainage AND BRACE removed and was told to only rest up to not have any more swelling (drainage is used to remove swelling basically). So I laid around in the hospital bed, got up to the toilet a few times and could only walk with one crutch no brace and that was day 2.
Day 3 post op - I went home, managed to fit in car front seat, did the exercises I was told to do and could sort of walk one crutch only to get around even tho it was not easy and felt a bit sus.
——
My FINAL PRE-OP list of PT EXERCISES in the correct order: 1. 12-15 minutes of stationary bike on the lowest possible seat where I felt no pain or light in my knee. 2. 3x15 or climbing up a stair, as high as I could. You put your injured leg on the stair, you climb up with your other leg and then put the other leg back on the ground. At this time I could do a pretty good height on this exercise and do slow negatives. The height was about 3 standart staircase steps or 3x a regular stepper. 3. 3x20 slowly walking down a stair, from as high as possible. Walking down was harder for me, so my maximum was about 2 steps high (66% of climbing). You step on the top step and use your healthy leg to touch the ground and then “jump” back up on your injured leg which never leaves the higher step. 4. 4x20 Squatting on a very low bench. Basically slowly sitting down to something as low as you can while making sure to bend your knees equally. I could do this at two steps heigh where my knees would bend quite a bit more than 90 degrees. Still felt a bit of pain here 5. Walk around for 30-60 sec instead of rest between all of these. If I had energy left, I would add in a few mins at the bike at a lower seat.
That’s it, do all of them as slowly as possible. I did these sometimes twice a day if I had the willpower and my knee felt good. Also used ice after doing them sometimes and made sure to have mind muscle connection and use my injured leg as much as possible. ——-
Tldr; DO PRE-HAB. Managed to walk one crutch only DAY ONE after ACL reconstruction with a temporary brace that was removed day two and went out of the hospital on just one crutch. Only minor pain after surgery 2/10. A bit painful to walk around and bear weight but that’s as expected. Do your prehab because others in my room couldn’t walk at all and were in agonizing pain for 3 days after surgery.
Thanks for reading, I hope this post is helpful for fellow sports lovers. I am 29 years old / 6’1 / 180 lbs, did mostly bodybuilding at the gym and bicycle.

The Gold Squad situation made me realize that we cannot force someone to love another person. It’s no secret that after Andrea and Seth’s breakup, the group started to drift apart. After their split, Seth and Chin began to be shipped together, while Kyle and Andrea went on to live their own lives separately until they had a project together.
That’s the gist of their situation, and we can observe how these boys treat Chin and Andrea differently. Even if it's subtle, for someone like me, it’s clear. The way Kyle treats Chin is really different from how he cares for Andrea now, and the same goes for Seth with Andrea and Chin (though I’m not implying there’s any malice).
But what amazes me more is how Kyle shows his affection towards Andrea now. (He wasn’t like that with Chin and he even admitted that it was just for work).
Maybe, the way Kyle treat Andrea now is partly because of their love team, but the wattpad reader in me refuses to believe it’s just for work.
Kyle wasn’t like that towards Chin when they were a love team. You cannot convince me that Kyle cares for Chin the way he cares for Andrea.
For those who aren’t wattpad readers or maybe we read different stories, most of the time, the male lead will have other girls in his life while moving on from his ex, but eventually, he will still go back to her and love her like he used to. Nothing changes.
And yeah, you can see that in Kyle. Watching him kiss Andrea on her head, cheeks, shoulder—it wakes up my wattpad era. He didn’t do any of those things to Chin (or maybe he did, but it was probably because Chin’s mom was strict, so he never had the chance).
But no, Kyle definitely is in love with Andrea or Blythe (for who she is).
You cannot convince me that Kyle loved Chin. No, he did not! Maybe he was infatuated or attracted, but if you’re going to say he loves Chin the way he loves Andrea, no!

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.