I want to create a thread to keep track of “receipts” and their status since there’s so much going on. Please lmk if there’s anything I’m wrong about or missing!
If you want to add something, adding the sources where you got the information from would be massively helpful.

Accusations against Drake and their status:

Things we know: 1. Baka not nice (long time drake friend and old bodyguard) has been charged with sex trafficking / assault and is a convicted woman beater. He was found guilty of beating an escort, but intimidated the victim to flee Toronto and not testify to get the sex trafficking case dropped. He also has a very lengthy criminal history besides this. Source 2. Drake got pissed on his leg and he didn’t do shit about it. Source 3. Drake has sent some very weird texts to Millie Bobby Brown and knowingly felt up + kisses a 17 year old. Source 4. Drake lied about not being a deadbeat at least once. 5. Drake has a history of “colonizing” sounds before the beef and has received a lot of shit for stealing music and sounds from up and coming artists (like The Weeknd, X, Rappin 4k, etc). This is pretty well documented and The Weeknd has even come out to say a lot of “Take Care” was taken from him. Here’s a video that sums it up for the most part: 6. He fucked Lil Wayne’s girl while he was in prison. Source is Lil Wayne himself in his memoir, but this article sums it up. 7. Nearly everybody in the industry seems to think he’s a POS. Notably, Drake notes YG as one of his gang officiated homies in FM only for Kendrick to use YG’s producer in his most successful diss track yet the next day. 8. His ab surgery and their resulting scars are pretty well known / public 9. Pro-Drake bots running rampant on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube. Whether these belong to Drake is another thing, which I address later on in the Kendrick section. This is pretty obvious if you’re online at all, but there’s a Reddit post with some pretty solid proof 10. Drake’s been accused of Sexual Assault in the past. However, it’s important to note it was settled and could’ve also just have been a money grab taking advantage of Drake wanting to avoid it becoming a prolonged thing. Source 11. Drake sent a cease and desist for “Like That” and tried to prevent it from playing on radios. (Added by gloomy-degree6027) Source is Metro Himself 12. Drake also got punched by Diddy and didn’t do shit about it. (Added by Grand-Gain-763) Source 13. Drake’s deal is a $400 million dollar 360 deal, meaning that UMG owns a part over everything Drake produces. This includes all songs, merch, publishing rights, and visual media projects (music videos, interviews, etc). Allegedly, this is also the reason he’s been publishing at a ridiculous rate, bc as part of this deal he also has to publish 2 albums a year. This makes him pretty much just a salaried employee. Now, this still looks like a pretty phenomenal deal as he’s still getting close to half a billion guaranteed, all of his projects expensed, and his master copies. However, it does mean that while Kendrick has to (allegedly) give 50% of publishing money, Drake has to (allegedly, this percentage is very likely but not public) give 100% of EVERYTHING. I assume that’s what he meant by “double” back at you since Drake owes twice the %. (Added / corrected by Jungkookenlover69420): source 13. Drake’s dad has been recorded feeling up a girl despite her being clearly being very uncomfortable throughout the entire thing: source
Some very popular opinions that are mostly based in facts (but still deserve their own section bc they’re opinions at the end of the day): 1. His latest diss was very badly received and showed a lot of about his character that Kendrick targets throughout the beef. To many, including a university professor who weighed in on the subject, he comes off as a gaslighter that got caught in the act. 2. Drake has a reputation of being creepy with many instances of him presumably grooming underaged celebrities very publicly. *
*Important note: none of the presumed groomed girls have come out and said anything against it. Personally, I’m a believer that you can still be a victim without publicly admitting you’re a victim. This is something that has held true many times in the lives of public and non-public figures alike. That being said, I believe it’s important to note in the mission of presenting the most unbiased version of the known truths.
Things we probably know:
This next section is tricky since it regards the leak.
We know that K Dot had a picture of Drake’s luggage and dropped a diss speaking on the same topics as Drake’s diss less than 15 minutes after drake dropped.
This confirms there’s a leak in Drake’s camp. Now, we just need to look into its trustworthiness to see what we can believe from it.
Drake so far has mentioned he planted the leak rather briefly in his response. However, it’s quite odd that he’s had various more opportune moments to show proof of this, like after the drop of MTG to remove all momentum K Dot had, yet he hasn’t shown any at all. It’s also curious that someone that’s famously played the roll of a troll throughout the beef (even risking a lawsuit for it) hasn’t taken the opportunity to troll on Kendrick and effectively end the beef swiftly, mitigate any attritional damage, and leave with an automatic W.
Another interesting thing to note is that, in the song where he claims “we fed you the information”, he later says that “the person that fed you information was a clown”. It’s an example of one of many instances of cognitive dissonance in his song “The Heart Pt. 6” and feeds in to his reputation as a lying manipulator.
UPDATE (05/11): Someone has allegedly come out on Twitter with videos of the suitcase and asked Drake and Ak to retract their lies or face legal trouble. This only reinforces the case for the leak being legit. Source
So, I believe that because the proof currently lies entirely with Kendrick, we can say we probably know:

1. Drake has a leak but lied about it to save face (proving the character stuff K Dot has mentioned throughout the beef).
2. There’s pictures of his Ozempic pills, meaning he lied about his weight loss.
3. There’s pictures of sleeping pills. He’s likely only using these to sleep, but it’s important to note that the sleeping pills are also often popularly used to facilitate SA. I
4. He has a daughter. Remember, all Pusha T had was also a leak from Drake’s camp.
5. This is the second time significant shit has been leaked from his camp during a beef.

The conspiracy shit that’s completely unconfirmed and purely speculative: 1. Drake is a sex trafficker, probably of underage women. 2. Drake’s house is about to be raided bc of the sex trafficking. 3. Drake partially owns a Russian Bot company. 4. UMG thinks Drake is losing and they, along with Drake’s other partners like Nike, are losing a lot of money bc it. They’ve asked Kendrick to publicly clarify that he’s not a pedophile and stop dropping.

Accusations against K Dot and their status:

What we know is true: 1. Kendrick Lamar bought a property in NYC recently. This may point to K Dot’s previously mentioned (from MMTBS) marital problems continuing, however Whitney has posted being in the NYC property w the kids various times. (Caveat added by Jungkookenlover69420) Source

1. TDE briefly threatened to remove their music from streaming platforms when the platforms were poised to remove R Kelly’s music. However, this was not directly Kendrick’s decision, and had less to do with R Kelly and more with how streaming platforms targeted controversial black artists more than controversial white artists. Regardless, it was quickly taken back after much backlash. (Added by elringo_ / vanillagorilla23) Source

What is probably true: 1. Some of Kendrick Lamar’s YouTube video views from MTG are likely bots. Whether these bots are Kendrick’s is another thing. Drake could’ve easily spun them up to discredit Kendrick’s numbers. However, in that same vein, Kendrick could also be spinning them up to drive home the manipulator image. Based on public personality and rumored business dealings, the former seems the most likely, but it’s important not to completely discredit the latter or even completely assume there’s funny business at all.
The unconfirmed speculation: 1. Kendrick beat his wife. This is an old 2014 rumor that’s been repeatedly debunked and denied by Kendrick. He could allude to it in MMTBS but it could also easily be alluding to his mom being beat. 2. One of Kendrick’s kids is Dave Free’s. This one is curious bc Dave Free is Kendrick’s cofounder at Pg Lang and long time friend. Only proof there seems to be on this one is a random comment by Dave Free showing love to Whitney (Kendrick’s wife) that Twitter dug up post MTG. Disappointed this is all Drake brought as “receipts” for an affair he’s mentioned in two different songs. 3. Whitney cheated on Kendrick with their body guard. There’s 0 proof of this and is purely speculative. 4. Kendrick gave up 50% of his earnings to his label. 5. Kendrick hasn’t spoke to Whitney in 6 months. Update: this one was allegedly made up by someone in K’s camp to just get the $150k bounty. Source 6. Kendrick isn’t officially married to Whitney.

Current thoughts:

The evidence seems to heavily be on Kendrick’s side. However, that’s bc most of it was already public and all K had to do was direct the public’s attention to it.
In that sense, it was quite puzzling to me as to why Drake wanted to take the angle he did. Especially since Drake’s a very public person with many enemies and a negative moral reputation, and Kendrick is a very private person with a very clean image (despite him literally releasing an entire album dedicated to how we shouldn’t morally look up to him. It’s like a Lisan Al Gaib situation: “only Mr Moral would admit to his moral wrong doings!”)

I first read about the Jett Plasma treatment a couple of months ago via a post on the Dryeye Reddit sub. I had never heard of it before that. The Jett Plasma Treatment device has been available and approved for use in the EU for DED/MGD since 2018.
The manufacturer has distributors in Europe, Asia, Africa Argentina, Brazil and Venezuela, Canada and Mexico. None in the USA as yet.
You can read about the company that manufactures the Jett Pen Device here: https://en.jett.eu/about-us
You can read about the different products the manufacture for DED/MGD here:
https://en.jett.eu/products/1404-jett-plasma-lift-medical
https://en.jett.eu/products/2545-jett-plasma-medical-ii
https://en.jett.eu/products/1406-plasma-pen-medical
Now there are other companies that make plasma pen devices other the Jett product. The others that could be adapted for use in DED/MGD were designed for the aesthetics medical field to make one look younger. That said one of them is USA FDA approved for aesthetics use might be used by a physician “off label” for DED/MGD purposes. That one is Subnovii Plasma Pen. Another FDA approved device for aesthetics called Plasma IQ could also probably be used “off label”.
Let’s dive in to learn more about this treatment option that seems to not be being used in the USA as yet for DED/MGD but is apparently being used a lot in Europe. I asked ChatGPT 4.0 a series of questions on Jett Plasma treatment. When I make any comments on what ChatGPT has to say I will put them in italics.
What can you tell me about Jett Plasma treatments for Dry Eye Disease and Meibomian Gland Dysfunction?
ChatGPT 4.0 Answers:
Jett Plasma treatment is a relatively new technology used in dermatology and ophthalmology, including for conditions like Dry Eye Disease (DED) and Meibomian Gland Dysfunction (MGD). This treatment utilizes plasma energy to provide therapeutic effects.
For Dry Eye Disease (DED)
Jett Plasma treatment can help in managing DED by stimulating the natural tear production and improving ocular surface health. It works by using a non-invasive, needle-free method to deliver plasma energy to the ocular surface. This energy can enhance cellular function and promote regeneration, which may help in alleviating the symptoms of dry eye.
For Meibomian Gland Dysfunction (MGD)
In cases of MGD, the Meibomian glands in the eyelids are dysfunctional, which affects the quality of tears and overall eye comfort. Jett Plasma technology can help by unblocking these glands. The plasma energy gently heats the eyelid margin, which can help in melting and releasing the oils blocked in the Meibomian glands, thus improving the lipid layer of the tear film*.*
Advantages of Jett Plasma Treatment
Non-invasive: The procedure does not require incisions or injections, which reduces the risk of infections and other complications.
Quick and Painless: Treatments are usually quick and painless, making them suitable for patients who are apprehensive about more invasive procedures.
Effective for various conditions: Besides DED and MGD, Jett Plasma is also being explored for its efficacy in skin rejuvenation and other dermatological conditions.
Clinical Evidence and Considerations
Although promising, Jett Plasma treatment is still relatively new, and clinical studies are ongoing to fully understand its benefits and limitations. As with any medical treatment, it's crucial for patients to consult with healthcare professionals to determine the best course of action based on their specific conditions and health profiles.
Patients interested in such treatments should seek out clinics or hospitals that specialize in advanced ocular treatments, where trained professionals can provide a thorough diagnosis and discuss potential treatment options, including the feasibility and expected outcomes of using Jett Plasma technology.
OK, well, so far it seems it does provide some value. I noted it does not say it can do anything about periductal fibrosis in obstructive MGD I noted. I really did not understand plasma energy thus this next question to learn more.
What is plasma energy?
ChatGPT 4.0 Answers:
Plasma energy refers to the energy associated with a state of matter known as plasma, which is often described as the fourth state of matter alongside solids, liquids, and gases. Plasma is created when a gas is energized to the point that some of the electrons break free from, but travel with, their nucleus. This results in a mixture of charged particles: positive ions and free electrons, which overall is electrically neutral.
Characteristics of Plasma
Conductive: Due to the free electrons and ions, plasma can conduct electricity and is affected by magnetic fields.
Energetic: The process of creating plasma involves energizing a gas to very high temperatures or using electromagnetic fields, which imparts high energy to the plasma.
Emissive: Plasma often emits light due to the energy released when electrons recombine with ions or drop in energy levels.
Applications of Plasma Energy
Plasma has a wide range of applications across various fields:
Industrial Processes: Used in plasma cutting, plasma arc welding, and surface treatments for materials.
Lighting: Plasma is used in plasma TVs and neon signs due to its light-emitting properties.
Astronomy and Space: Plasma is the most common state of matter in the universe, found in stars (including the sun) and interstellar space.
Medical Treatments: In medicine, plasma is used for sterilization, wound healing, and in dermatology and ophthalmology for treatments such as skin rejuvenation and improving ocular conditions.
In medical applications like Jett Plasma treatments for eye conditions, the plasma is typically generated at low temperatures using devices that can safely apply this energy to biological tissues. This "cold plasma" can provide therapeutic effects without damaging the tissues, using its energy to stimulate cellular repair, increase blood flow, and improve antimicrobial effects.
OK, so it is used widely in a lot of things not just in medicine. I then asked what type of device is needed as I had not seen one.
What type of a medical device is used in Jett Plasma treatment? How expensive is the device?
ChatGPT 4.0 Answers
Type of Medical Device Used in Jett Plasma Treatment
Jett Plasma treatments are conducted using a specialized device that generates cold plasma. This device typically features a handheld applicator connected to a console that controls the plasma generation. The technology within these devices often involves ionizing a gas—usually air or nitrogen—using electrical energy, which forms plasma. The plasma is then directed out of the applicator in a controlled manner to treat targeted areas of the skin or ocular surface without causing thermal damage.
Key Features of Jett Plasma Devices
Cold Plasma Generation: These devices operate at lower temperatures compared to industrial plasma generators, making them safe for medical treatments on sensitive areas like the skin and eyes.
Portability: Many medical plasma devices are designed to be compact and portable, allowing for use in various settings, including clinics and offices.
Control Settings: Advanced models provide adjustable settings to control the intensity and flow of plasma, allowing for customized treatments according to patient needs.
What are the risks involved with doing Jett Plasma treatment for Dry Eye Disease and Meibomian Gland Dysfunction?
ChatGPT 4.0 Answers:
Using Jett Plasma treatment for Dry Eye Disease (DED) and Meibomian Gland Dysfunction (MGD) would involve significant risks and considerations. While the procedure may theoretically offer some benefits for these conditions, its use in this context is not well-established, and potential risks could outweigh any potential benefits. Here are some of the risks involved:
Eye Damage: Plasma treatment involves the application of high-energy plasma to the skin's surface. Direct exposure to the delicate tissues of the eye could cause burns, scarring, or other damage.
Infection: Anytime the skin or mucous membranes are disrupted, there's a risk of infection. Introducing plasma to the delicate tissues around the eyes could increase the risk of bacterial or viral infections, leading to serious complications.
Corneal Damage: The cornea is particularly sensitive to trauma and damage. Plasma treatment near the eyes could potentially lead to corneal abrasions, scarring, or other vision-threatening issues.
I do know from looking at images/videos of the procedure at least some doctors put protective inserts over the eyeball to protect it when doing the procedure. Now some would be concerned that putting the inserts into the eye might also cause damage to the cornea. Other doctors do not use protective inserts it seems from my research.
Worsening of Symptoms: Since plasma treatment involves heat and energy application, it could potentially exacerbate symptoms of dry eye and MGD rather than improving them. Excessive heat can further disrupt tear film stability and exacerbate inflammation in the eyelids.
Well, while that is true, it is also true of a lot of “heat and squeeze” devices like iLux and LipiFlow to name two as well as IPL and Radio Frequency.
Lack of Evidence: There's limited research on the efficacy and safety of using plasma treatment for DED and MGD. Without sufficient evidence to support its use, there's a significant risk of undergoing a procedure that may not provide meaningful benefits.
Cost and Accessibility: Plasma treatment can be expensive, and it may not be covered by insurance for these conditions. Pursuing an unproven treatment option could result in financial burden without guaranteed results.
Well, here I would say maybe ChatGPT is referring to plasma treatments for cosmetic purposes which likely are very expensive. I have no information on what doctors are charging for the procedure in Europe for DED/MGD treatments. That said the procedure likely does require a doctor to do it unlike say LipiFlow or LLLT which would drive up the cost to the patient.
Alternative Treatments: There are established treatments for DED and MGD, such as warm compresses, eyelid hygiene, prescription medications, and in-office procedures like Meibomian gland expression. These treatments have a stronger evidence base and are generally safer than experimental procedures like plasma treatment.
Given these risks and considerations, it's crucial for individuals with DED and MGD to work closely with their eye care providers to explore evidence-based treatment options that are safe and effective.
I note that ChatGPT did not mention the other prominent device treatments like BlephEx, LipiFlow and IPL. Also I don’t think it would be accurate to say the plasma treatment is experimental when it is approved for use in the EU and other jurisdictions as well as by the FDA for asthetic purposes in doctors’ offices.
What are the contraindications for Jett Plasma Treatment for DED?
ChatGPT 4.0 Answers:
Eye Conditions: Individuals with certain pre-existing eye conditions may be at increased risk of complications from plasma treatment. These conditions may include corneal abnormalities, severe ocular surface disease, active infections of the eye, or a history of eye surgeries.
Skin Disorders: Certain skin disorders or conditions affecting the eyelids or periocular area may contraindicate plasma treatment. Examples include active eczema, psoriasis, or other dermatological conditions that could be exacerbated by the treatment.
Autoimmune Diseases: Individuals with autoimmune diseases such as lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or Sjögren's syndrome may have compromised healing responses and increased susceptibility to adverse effects from plasma treatment.
Pregnancy: Pregnant individuals are often advised to avoid elective cosmetic procedures due to potential risks to the developing fetus. While plasma treatment's specific effects on pregnancy may not be well-documented, caution is typically exercised.
Blood Disorders: Conditions that affect blood clotting or increase the risk of bleeding may be contraindications for plasma treatment. This includes bleeding disorders or individuals taking anticoagulant medications.
Implanted Devices: Presence of implanted medical devices such as pacemakers or defibrillators may be a contraindication due to potential interference with these devices by the electrical energy generated during plasma treatment.
Medications: Certain medications or treatments may increase the risk of complications from plasma treatment. For example, individuals taking photosensitizing medications may have increased sensitivity to light and should avoid procedures that involve exposure to intense light sources.
Well there you go. Below are the links to the post on the research for Jett Penn and Videos:
Jett Plasma Pen and Plasma Energy Treatment for DED/MGD… Research Review
Jett Plasma Treatment for Meibomian Gland Dysfunction ... Videos

I wasn't born a sex offender, not did I want to become one. I am ashamed of the choices of my life that brought me to where I am now. I have never physically touch anyone in an inappropriate way. But porn was my problem. Porn, come to find out is evil. It can be pictures, videos, or even sex stories. They all sent me on a path I wish I never would have gone. It started, I thought as a normal man thing. Porn. Porn was just coming out on the internet, mainly pictures, but it was there. I sat in aol porn chat rooms trading straight porn. I loved it. But for some reason, I started to get bored with the content. Straight porn was boring. So, now fetishes started to play in my fantasies. It started with lesbian or gay porn. From there it went into more extreme things. Like bondage, rape fantasies, beastiality. That got me going for awhile. But even then, it was getting boring and didn't get me going like it did when I first saw it. Here's were my life really started to go down the rabbit hole so to speak. I was stuck in a whirlpool of porn, and I was being sucked deeper and deeper into it. Would I ever hit bottom? There is no bottom. I was very close to the bottom when I was raised by the FBI for child pornography. My life was destroyed by my perversions. I lost my kids, my wife, and my life. I didn't lose my freedom for another 5 years. It took the FBI that long to get all the evidence against me for the conviction. After 5 years I had to turn myself in and face 9 years of prison for child pornography. I started off at a medium prison in Mississippi. Yazoo FCI. I didn't spend much time on the yard. I had to check in or die within 2 weeks. I did this after seeing a guy, a sex offender almost killed in front of me. They checked his paper work and they found out his crime. I checked in, and spent 4 months in the SHU, away from general population. I was transferred to her long FCI, I spent a year there before I could get my points corrected and be sent to a low. Right at the end, people had suspicions about me. But luckily made it out without being hurt. I made it to seagoville FCI low. I spent the rest of my term there. I fixed radios and things, and had enough respect from most of the gangs.and.groups in there. Not going into detail, a few stitches and broken ribs later, I made it out. But before I did, I had plenty of time to think and reflect on who I was and who I wanted to be. I was a terrible father and a piece of shit of a man. I blamed everyone but myself for being in there. I really had to dig deep and think of what I have become. I decided, when I did get out. I wasn't going to be the same man anymore. I worked hard and gave up my negative thinking, and focused on what I needed to be. I have been out for three years now. I'm not going to lie. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to look at porn, but stay away because I know where that would lead me. So, no porn. I have worked and started to rebuild my life with my kids. I have come along way, and most of my kids see this, and my ex's see this. I don't lie anymore. I'm truthful no matter how much I don't want to be. It's easier that way. And I stay away from what got me there. Porn was my trigger. No trigger, no issue. I'm now doing really good after prison. I have a good job, make a good six figures, I drive my dream care, and I have my life back. I just seams, the harder you try to better who you are on the inside, helps you on the outside. People see you better and better things come to you. If you have any questions, or need help. Please feel free to reach out. I want others to get the help they need and recover. Sorry this was so long and that my writing sucks. It was never a good subject for me.

22-minute read to cover the latest developments in Armenia beyond headlines.

Azeri public continues to discuss the possible return or exchange of Armenian exclave Artsvashen currently under Azerbaijani control

Context in Monday news digest. A ranking member of Azerbaijani parliament suggested returning Artsvashen to Armenia in exchange for the Azeri exclaves, or swapping them so each side can keep what it currently controls. An Azeri analyst called it dangerous to allow Armenians to return to Artsvashen because he believes it would make the entire territory of Azerbaijan "up to Ganja" vulnerable.
AZERI JOURNALIST (Fatima Movlamli): There are currently [Azeri] military positions near the entrance of the village [Artsvashen]. Although the local population is not strictly checked upon entry and exit, some control appears to be in place. The army checks "strangers". The village is also observed from far away. All the houses are empty; they are crumbling. There is no one around. The only people you see are nearby villagers who take their cattle to [Artsvashen's] pasture.
NEARBY AZERI VILLAGER: I visit the [Armenian] village to feed my cattle and my family. If they give it to Armenians, it will be my end. This is our source of bread, and these areas will no longer be safe for us. Many of us rely on these territories for a living. There is total unemployment and none of us have other jobs. We will have to emigrate if they give this village.
NATIN JAFARLI (ReAl party): There are two reasons why the village was not populated [by Azeris, after the capture in 1992]. The first is for legal reasons because Armenia could claim it's their land and demand compensation. There are also socio-economic components that have forced the population to migrate to Baku over the past 30 years. If there was a normal socio-economic policy, there would be no migration. It's not easy to create social infrastructure in Bashkend [Artsvashen] for natural reasons. If we decide to swap the enclaves, then referendums must be held in both countries. Can you imagine the Armenian police or army marching 30 kilometers deep into Azerbaijan? It doesn't sound realistic. The same about Azeris entering the exclaves inside Armenia. How will you guarantee the population's food, banking, communication, gas, etc.? It doesn't seem realistic.
ELKHAN SHAHINOGLU (Atlas research center): Even if Armenians return our 4 villages [presumably within Azeri exclaves], it will be difficult for Azeris to live in them because we will be forced to reach the villages through Armenia. The same is true if we transfer [Artsvashen] to Armenia. Therefore, I believe this issue can be resolved if the lands are exchanged.
AZERI RESIDENT: I used to work as a nurse in [Artsvashen]. I remember how I attempted to save the lives of the soldiers who captured it. I don't want it to be returned to Armenia because I'm concerned that the same events will repeat. Nothing good will happen if Armenians return here. This place connects Shinikhi to the entire Ganja region. Should we allow Armenians to stand between the two? I'm 65 so the future generations will have to live here but no one will dare to come if they hear about the presence of Armenians.
source,

Azerbaijan is still reluctant to include the Almaty Declaration in the final peace agreement despite the April 19 separate agreement to use it for border demarcation

FM MIRZOYAN: Recently we agreed that the demarcation should take place on the basis of the Almaty Declaration and the Regulations of the border commissions should also refer to the Almaty. This is one of the principles, and if we manage to include Almaty in the peace agreement, then we will get very close to a final resolution. Our neighbor is still reluctant to make a clear reference to the Almaty Declaration in the peace treaty, which is a more comprehensive document.
The second issue is with the unblocking of communication routes. Armenia is ready to become a part of the international transit route. The Crossroads of Peace will benefit Armenia and the entire region. Turkey and Azerbaijan would also benefit by connecting East and West. If this is implemented, it will be another interesting way to connect the Persian Gulf countries with the Black Sea economic region.
QUESTION: You froze your participation in CSTO. Do you plan to join NATO?
MIRZOYAN: We do not want to be part of a dysfunctional mechanism [CSTO]. But we are still a CSTO member so it's necessary to take steps to make it function; we are discussing the issues on the AM-RU agenda. Simultaneously we have launched a process to strengthen AM-West relations and to diversify Armenia's economy.
source, video,

interview with Azeri opposition activist-in-exile Arif Yunusov

REPORTER: Azerbaijan had long refused to use 1991 Almaty for delimitation but on April 19 they agreed to launch the process based on Almaty. Why did they change their position?
YUNUSOV: Because of the problems Aliyev developed with the West. When Blinken makes a phone call, that means extensive work was done prior to the call. The issue of sanctions raised earlier this year was also raised after months of work. The collective West is pressuring Azerbaijan. We have entered the decisive phase of the West-Russia confrontation. The physical fights are taking place in Ukraine, while diplomatic wars rage in the South Caucasus.
Russia attempted on several occasions to destabilize Armenia's internal stability by using Azerbaijan but their efforts have failed and there hasn't been any serious escalation on the AM-AZ border. Pashinyan was not exaggerating the possibility of a war in Tavush a few months ago; there was indeed a real threat. However, the likelihood is much lower now and Azerbaijan has given its approval to launch the delimitation process. The ongoing delimitation process is part of the effort to regulate AM-AZ relations and push Russia out of the region.
REPORTER: Blinken spoke on Sunday with Aliyev and Pashinyan. I'm under the impression that this AM-AZ delimitation, despite being called "bilateral", is actually being moderated by the US.
YUNUSOV: Absolutely agree. Aliyev has a lengthy history of rejecting many Western efforts and being close with Putin, so the fact that he didn't reject it this time indicates serious pressure from the West. By the way, Aliyev became president in February but Biden hasn't congratulated him yet. For Aliyev, it's very important to receive a congratulation personally from Biden.
The US is moderating this process step-by-step. This process began in 2022 when Pashinyan recognized Nagorno-Karabakh as part of Azerbaijan; that was part of the US plan to normalize AM-AZ relations. Under this plan, Azerbaijan announced the formation of a commission to "integrate" Nagorno-Karabakh Armenians. Obviously, it all changed later and the US officials began to raise the issue of Aliyev being too close to Russia and about a need to pull him away from Putin. It appears the US is gradually getting what it wants because the US's role in this demarcation process is huge.
REPORTER: Is this also why Azerbaijan asked Russia to withdraw its military base from Nagorno-Karabakh? Was it under the US pressure?
YUNUSOV: I'm not entirely sure about the full details behind their withdrawal. I don't even know if they are truly being withdrawn because there is a motive to calm the Azerbaijani public that's anti-Russian.
There is also the fact that Russia was unable to deploy those peacekeepers on the AM-AZ border and push out the EU border monitoring mission from Armenia. Russia attempted to achieve this in December 2023 during a meeting in St. Petersburg but Pashinyan rejected Putin's efforts. Moreover, Pashinyan said that Armenia is no longer interested in the fate of Russian peacekeepers in Nagorno-Karabakh and that this topic must be resolved between Russia and Azerbaijan. This was followed by Pashinyan's order to remove Russian agents from Yerevan's airport by August 2024. So Russia's effort to pressure Armenia with the hands of Azerbaijan has totally failed.
It's a strange situation, the withdrawal of peacekeepers. We don't know how many were removed and how many remain. I do not have information that the US pressured Azerbaijan to remove the Russian peacekeepers. [audio cuts off] The US is only strong when there is Armenia, during meetings, and we tend to receive information whenever Armenia is part of a negotiation process, whereas Azerbaijan-Russia talks are more secretive.
It appears Russia is withdrawing the equipment first because they need it ahead of the May offensive in Ukraine, before possibly a wider withdrawal by September.
Regarding the demarcation of the AM-AZ border, Russia understands that if the parties reach an agreement, that could mean the end of Russian presence in the South Caucasus. The AM-AZ border is a geopolitical issue. Russia will publicly formally welcome the delimitation efforts but it's not in their interest.
REPORTER: Why is France silent about the April 19 delimitation agreement?
YUNUSOV: France has adopted the correct position. First of all, Western states coordinate their policies [including on delimitation], but in each region, each Western state takes up a different position. For example, on the Ukraine issue, France provides support to Ukraine but the main locomotive is the US. In the South Caucasus, it's the opposite: the US provides the moderation efforts while the main locomotive - in this case, support for Armenia - is France. There is a crisis in FR-AZ relations. So France doesn't want to hinder the delimitation effort by intervening; they let the US handle it. There is currently an anti-French hysteria in Azerbaijan. The French endorsement of the AM-AZ delimitation agreement would be a big blow to the process.
full,

ruling party rejects opposition's motion to conduct the AM-AZ border delimitation based on 1993 "de facto" borders instead of 1991 Almaty borders

Context and debates in April 23 news digest. The opposition is against delimiting borders with the 1991 Almaty maps.
The opposition accuses the ruling party of serving Turkey's interests while the ruling party accuses the opposition of attempting to derail the 1991 delimitation process so they can drag Armenia into a new conflict before bringing the Russian "empire" as a savior to establish their rule in Armenia.
One thing that struck the ruling party's nerves was the opposition's narrative that "Armenia ends where the Armenian soldier stands". The ruling party believes that this principle is both dangerously expansionist [in the case of 2.5 Azeri villages] and would also endanger the fate of occupied Armenian lands. "We have a clear border with Azerbaijan, and it must be reproduced on the ground," said a ranking ruling party MP. Yesterday the government said over 50% of the task was done on a section of the Tavush-Gazakh border.
In response to the opposition's accusations that the ruling party serving the interests of Azerbaijan by "surrendering lands", a ruling MP accused the opposition of pressuring the government to surrender a corridor to Russia and Azerbaijan.
RULING MP: Mr. Sharmazanov [ex-president Serj's party] routinely says the quiet part out loud. At first, he spoke about the need to give a corridor [to Azerbaijan and Russia, via Syunik], and more recently he made another fantastic statement. Sharmazanov said "a homeland is eternal while a state is variable. The state's borders can expand or shrink." This stems from their mentality that today they are MPs of the Armenian parliament but tomorrow they could just as easily be Russian Duma MPs, representing the Armyanski Oblast. This is the clash of values: a stable state with borders vs. a "homeland" with variable borders. For us, the Republic of Armenia is irreplaceable and the independence of Armenia is non-negotiable. //
source, video, source, source,

the independent TV & radio regulator was summoned to parliament to report the 2023 activities

REGULATOR: Last year the broadcasters under our watch operated freely, without government intervention. The TV outlets stated that they were not pressured or obstructed by any branch of the government to limit their freedom of expression.
The issue persists with misinformation and hate speech, but our 3-year-long monitoring reveals that this negative content has been significantly reduced in public multiplex. This positive trend has multiple reasons, including our Committee's fight against the abuse of "freedom of speech". This type of negative content has, by in large, moved from television to the internet and social media.
We are strongly against the government's electoral code amendment that required private media outlets to allocate a limited number of free hours to candidates during electoral campaigns. How is this different from requiring gas stations to provide free gas to candidates? The media outlets are deprived of hours that they could use to generate income.
We've been calling for reforms in the law regulating the media. The 2020 law on liberalizing media regulations is a welcoming change. The field is free, with minimal intervention from the Committee (regulator) or the government.
However, this liberalization also endangers Armenia's media security. For example, foreign channels broadcasted over Armenia's public multiplex and cable often spread content illegal under Armenian law and against the Republic of Armenia's interests. The law does not grant the Committee enough powers to curtail this. At the moment, the Committee has jurisdiction over public multiplex TV and licensed radio channels only. This creates an uneven competition field with channels broadcasted over the net, which do not have to follow the same rules. Under European directives, a minimal level of regulation of internet content has become a requirement for European countries. We advise the government to follow European practices.
The public often wonders what share of cable TV content is in Armenian or made in Armenia. Our research reveals the content based on the country of origin: Armenian 71 (vs 68 last year), Russian 174 (vs 167), European 75, American 38, Other 15. As you can see, relevant parties should take steps to increase the share of Armenian content.
We have very important progress in another metric: Armenian-language programs aired over Armenian channels, nationwide or in Yerevan. The Armenian-language programs accounted for 95% of the air. This includes foreign content translated into Armenian or with Armenian subtitles.
2018: <60%
2020: 79%
2021: 81%
2023: 95%
We have progress in another important area. Over the last 3-4 years, on the public multiplex, the share of partisan ideological content has been gradually replaced by content more beneficial to the general public. For example, (1) we now have a sports program that promotes the development of local sports and provides coverage of local events. (2) We have a family channel called Noor available in Yerevan. Despite some challenges and flaws, they are doing their best to establish themselves as a family channel. (3) We have an educational channel Bun. (4) We have a music channel Dar21.
By in large, the public multiplex still falls short of delivering what we envisage. We believe the time has come to adopt a new state strategy on media to prevent a crisis. We could have a crisis because the state has too many regulations and not enough incentives to allow channels to use their slots to generate income and produce quality content.
We fear that during the next auction for slots in 2027, several slots could be left uncontested, which could pave the way for the entry of propagandistic channels or clearly weak channels unable to deliver quality content. If the channels fail to generate income, they could also be sold to foreign buyers. Therefore, some channels could begin to serve the interests of foreign states and serve foreign propaganda to Armenian citizens.
We advise the government to...
(1) reduce the number of channels on public multiplex. It's an unreasonably high number for a country size of Armenia. Fewer public multiplex channels means each channel would receive more ad dollars, which would raise the quality of content.
(2) establish a media assistance fund to incentivize quality content over the public multiplex.
How do we monitor media channels for compliance? The monitoring phase lasts 2 months per year. In Lithuania and Georgia, it's 1 month. The rest of the time the monitoring is done by NGOs, the public, and other institutions.
We penalized 34 companies for broadcasting pirated content. This is a shamefully high number. There are unfortunately companies that do not respect intellectual property. The only option left is to ramp up the enforcement. The atmosphere of impunity among channels is driven by the fact that the size of the penalty is only $130, which is a lot less than what they'd spend on obtaining the rights to the content.
We've been enforcing rules more vigorously, and in 2023 alone there were 64 administrative proceedings. In comparison, between 2011-2018 there were a total of 17 such proceedings.
2011-2018: 17
2021: 84
2023: 64
Reasons for administrative proceedings: copyright violation, illegal ads, content harmful to children, gore & violence, cussing on air, failure to meet the minimum threshold of 20% for certain types of content, etc.
In December we made a decision to suspend the re-broadcasting of [Russian] Sputnik Radio for a month. We were accused of violating their free speech [by Armenia's opposition factions], however, the radio's leadership visited Armenia, apologized for their content, and agreed to exclude the violating show [Kremlin propagandist Tigran Keosayan] from their programming aired in Armenia. We lifted the suspension.
Once again, the Committee reminds that it will suspend any foreign outlet that broadcasts content that spreads hatred towards the Republic of Armenia or its people, interferes with Armenia's internal affairs, questions Armenia's sovereignty, or engages in provocative actions.
Along with increased enforcement, we also have more complaints filed against our decisions in courts, which shows that the enforcement & appeals process is functioning freely. Sometimes we lose these trials. We learn and gain experience.
We recently signed the first-ever agreement with a country outside Eurasia. The agreement with friendly Argentina's state media agency will allow Armenia's public channel to film a big սերիալ.
The Committee is cooperating with the high-tech ministry to use AI in our work to save resources and raise efficiency.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: The law requires television to provide content in the Assyrian language. Similar programs exist for Yezidis but not Assyrians.
REGULATOR: The law requires the content to be either in Assyrian language or about Assyrian culture. The latter requirement was met.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: But we would like to hear content, speech, in Assyrian language.
REGULATOR: We want to do that by requiring local television channels [presumably where Assyrians mostly live] to provide content in Assyrian language, rather than requiring the public channel to broadcast that content nationwide, because the vast majority of nationwide consumers would not be able to consume content in a language they do not speak. It should be more targeted. Assyrian subtitles on public nationwide channels are also an option so submit your suggestion and we'll negotiate with H1.
RULING MP: I welcome your decision to take action against [Kremlin's] Solovyov and Keosayan for their anti-Armenian and anti-Armenian Republic content, but people wonder why you don't take similar measures against others, like [Kremlin's] Kisilyov. What have you done in this regard and what suggestions have you sent to the high-tech ministry?
REGULATOR: Our Committee has the authority to suspend re-broadcasted radio channels, as in the case of Sputnik, but we cannot suspend television channels. We can only send complaints to the high-tech ministry so they can take action against TV channels based on the AM-RU interstate agreement. We have been frequently sending reports to our high-tech ministry, and after 3 years of inaction, they finally decided to take steps recently. You already know about their actions against Solovyov's content. The ministry is working with Russia to replace the [empty] Solovyov timeslot with other cultural or entertainment content. You can forget about Solovyov. As a reminder, this program was banned in Armenia not for being "anti-Armenian", which is a vague term, but for violating specific laws of Armenia. They often call for violence, incite steps to launch a war, etc. Even Armenian channels are not allowed to broadcast such content. We need to revise the AM-RU interstate agreement to grant the Committee more powers to regulate foreign channels as well. In the future, we should entirely ban all foreign channels on Armenia's public multiplex.
RULING MP: What is Shoghakat TV, who owns it, and does its content meet the requirements? [It's the channel operated by the church]
REGULATOR: Shoghakat was formerly called a religious-cultural channel. Under the new law, it must broadcast cultural-educational content; its genre legally is not religious-cultural. A recent study shows that the share of religious content is too high and it must be reduced by raising the share of cultural-educational programs to meet the requirements. The channel is receiving funds from the state and must therefore meet the cultural-educational programming requirements.
RULING MP: In other words, Shoghakat is a public channel, at least in part financed by the taxpayers, and does not provide the content it is legally required to? Religious content is not a bad thing but we must be mindful of the state resources.
REGULATOR: It's co-financed by the church and state. Shoghakat is also operating from a building owned by the church, and not the public TV.
OPPO MP: Isn't it time to also regulate the TV channels' social media accounts on Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok? They get more views than the content aired over the public multiplex. Children consume dangerous content on YouTube and TikTok. There are countries that are attempting to regulate it. Can Armenia do this? There are also unlicensed channels on the internet that spread whatever they want. How do we regulate all of this?
REGULATOR: This morning the EU's Ursula von der Leyen announced the possibility of banning TikTok in the EU. The same about the US. Even the most democratic states restrict platforms that pose a danger to their societies. It will be expensive to technologically restrict these platforms in Armenia but we must consider any measure that would protect the Armenian society. Armenia is falling behind the EU directives in terms of content restrictions.
OPPO MP: Today a 9-year-old boy sees as many naked girls in one day as the world's richest sultan throughout his whole life. This is going to have a negative impact on children. The same about narcotics. When are we going to amend the law to regulate this?
REGULATOR: In the case of the 9 y/o boy, the most important institutions are the school, parents, and the surrounding environment. As for regulating the media field, I've been saying this for 4 years and this appears to be a bipartisan issue so let's get together and decide how to regulate it.
RULING MP: Under the existing media regulation law, foreign companies are not allowed to operate a cable service in Armenia. Why is Rostelecom able to operate? Should we lift the ban on all foreign firms or should we ban Rostelecom?
REGULATOR: I believe they meet the requirement by not owning over 49% of the company shares. I believe 51% of their shares belong to an Armenian resident company. In their defense, Rostelecom has voluntarily banned Solovyov's show in Armenia.
full report, source,

անախորժ միջադեպ պառլամենտի բակում

The bodyguard of Armenia/ARF MP Levon Kocharyan, the son of ex-president Robert Kocharyan, is accused of punching and knocking down a journalist in the backyard of the parliament building after the outlet's criticism of opposition churchman and his portrayal as a corrupt agent of Russia.
REPORTER (Davit Levonyan, civic.am, affiliated with ruling party): After finishing an interview with a ruling party MP, I noticed that Levon Kocharyan's assistant/bodyguard Arthur Sukoyan was waiting nearby. He approached me and asked to speak for 2 minutes. I asked my operator to stand a bit further from us so we could talk. The bodyguard attempted to provoke a fight. He was unhappy about my opinion about churchman Bagrat [the co-organizer of the opposition's road closures in Tavush] and he said my actions were blasphemy. I said dear Arthur I have the right to free speech and I don't force my opinion on others, and that he can express his own opinion and that I don't really care about his opinion. He went on to escalate it into a physical fight in a way to present it as "two boys fighting" rather than hooliganism. He began to cuss at me. I said, "If you think I'm that type of person then I can say the same about you". I never punched him, knowing well that it was a provocation. He punched me and knocked me to the ground. I got up and cussed at him but chose not to fight. I told him that "you and the likes of you will answer for this". I wanted to verify whose assistant he was so he said Kocharyan's, and he invited me to his office to "settle the dispute". I told him to get the hell out of here and that he will answer later pa lyubomu.
QUESTION: Were there witnesses and is there a video recording?
REPORTER: My operator witnessed it and it was in front of the parliament building's security cameras. //
The alleged suspect, Arthur Sukoyan, is the son of Judge Alexei Sukoyan whose duties as a judge were terminated by SJC last year for "severe violations".
OPPO MP (Mher Sahakyan): That guy has no right to be called a journalist because I've seen his video [about the opposition churchman] and as a Christian Armenian, it's prosto unacceptable for me. Are you telling me you can describe a representative of a church any way you like and not answer for it? //
MP Mher Sahakyan himself was arrested last year after punching a ruling party MP and forcing him to get stitches.
What was the outlet's report that angered Kocharyan's bodyguard? The outlet accused the churchman of serving Russian interests and owning a meat production business in Tavush. A fact-checker has found that the churchman is indeed reported as a 25% shareholder of the company but the company says the churchman hasn't received profits. The ruling faction accuses the church of unethically using the church's media resources to advertise the "churchman's meat business".
source, source, source, source, source, source, source, source,

PM Pashinyan hosted the European Commission's Director-General of EU Neighborhood and Enlargement Negotiations

Pashinyan considered the AM-EU-US high-level meeting held in Brussels on April 5 as key and emphasized the need for effective implementation of the agreements reached.
Koopman noted that the European Commission is ready to contribute to the implementation of the priorities of the Armenian government to strengthen the resilience of Armenia and its economic growth.
Koopman expressed confidence that Armenia-EU relations will continue to develop and expand dynamically. The interlocutors discussed a wide range of issues related to Armenia-EU cooperation.

... On Tuesday Armenia, the EU, and Germany signed an agreement to reduce the Armenian rural population's reliance on imported Russian gas

They want to help low-income villagers and municipal buildings of Tavush, Shirak, Gegharkunik, and Syunik provinces to switch to solar energy. It will include solar water heaters, etc.
EUROPEAN COMMISSION rep.: The EU-Armenia relations are stronger than ever and the EU's dedication to Armenia is reflected in the agreements reached on April 5 in Brussels. This is a 3-year program worth €12.5 million.
GERMAN EMBASSY: Why not use the sun's energy for daily activities? Yesterday we noticed on our faces and skins how powerful the Armenian sun is. [please SPF 100 yourselves]
source, source,

World Bank’s Board of Executive Directors approved a $116 million program for Armenia to enable reforms aimed at promoting green, resilient and inclusive development

It includes a $100 million loan from IBRD and a $16 million grant. This budget support will help the Government of Armenia to build climate resilience and reduce vulnerabilities to future shocks, as part of the 2021-2026 plan.

It includes actions that will fortify anti-corruption measures by implementing a robust framework with a whistleblowing system and gift monitoring mechanism for public servants. Further, it is aligned with the Paris Agreement.

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Azerbaijani regime arrested another pro-democracy activist as part of a crackdown on an independent outlet

Mammadli, the head of the Election Monitoring and Democracy Studies Centre, had his home raided by the police and was detained on Monday on charges of smuggling.
EUROPEAN UNION: This detention is the latest in a series of arrests of independent journalists & activists, and a matter of concern for the EU. All those imprisoned for exercising their fundamental rights should be released.
UNITED STATES: We are deeply concerned about the ongoing arrests of representatives of the Azerbaijani political society, in particular, Anar Mammadli. We call on the government of Azerbaijan to immediately release all those unjustly arrested. We continue to call on the government of Azerbaijan to respect the human rights and fundamental freedoms of all.
source, source,

Armenia's Ambassador to the US Lilith Makunts met the experts of the US-based analytical center RAND that recently advised the West to provide defense assistance to Armenia and not to pressure Armenia to cut all ties with Russia prematurely

Ambassador Makunts presented the latest developments in the AM-AZ peace process and the Crossroads of Peace logistics process.
source, source,

Hungary is blocking the €10 million military assistance to Armenia

Context in April 17 news digest. Hungary is so far preventing the transfer of European Peace Facility resources to provide Armenia with a mobile field camp capability for a battalion-size unit, including a medical treatment facility as well as relevant services and facilities
Armenia submitted the application for funding in 2023. Georgia had earlier received €30 million in assistance as part of the same fund. They received equipment for controlling artillery divisions and engineering equipment.
Hungary, led by Turkish-Azeri-Russian ally Orban, demands that Azerbaijan receive assistance with demining activities in exchange for authorizing the transfer to Armenia. However, since Azerbaijan has not formally requested assistance with demining, it's possible the process could reach a dead end. The internal negotiations continue.
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Armenia's Defense Minister discussed AM-FR defence cooperation and army reforms with a French Senator

MOD Papikyan hosted Ronan Le Gloyot from the French Senate Committees on Foreign Relations, Defense, Armed Forces and European Affairs. The parties discussed AM-FR defense ties, the AM-EU ties, the Armenian army reforms, etc.
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Armenia and France discussed cooperation in military industry and aerospace (🤔)

High-Tech Minister Mkhitar Hayrapetyan hosted the French Senate delegation led by Ronan Le Gloyot. They discussed cybersecurity, digitization, the establishment and operation of French high-tech firms in Armenia, defense, military industry, and aerospace cooperation.
source,

France donates 4 diesel power generators with 100 kW to city halls and hospitals in Syunik

source, source,

Saudi Arabia's ethnic Armenian Prince Abdulaziz bin Talal Al Saud will visit Armenia

The agreement was reached during the recent visit by Armenia's Labor Minister to SA. The Prince and the Minister also agreed to establish cooperation between the Prince's AGFUND and Armenia's labor ministry.
source,

Armenia's Central Bank continues to cut the refinancing rate

2020: 4.25%
2022: 10.75%
2023: 9.25%
Jan 2024: 8.75%
Mar 2024: 8.50%
Apr 2024 8.25%
source, source,

Armenian migrant workers are sending fewer remittances from Russia and could find working in Armenia more beneficial

The net inflow of individuals' remittances from Russia in Q1 2024 amounted to $656.6 million compared to $1.1 billion in Q1 2023.
CENTRAL BANK: There is a decline this year due to economic and geopolitical issues, the exchange rate, and the ratio of salaries. It is necessary to have an understanding of whether Armenian migrant workers plan to continue working in Russia. Some prefer to return to Armenia and work here, as the difference in salaries now is much smaller than, for example, 10 years ago.
source, full,

agreement is signed to build a World Trade Center in Yerevan

Details in September 7 news digest.
Construction company RenShin presented the $212 million project to the government for approval. It's expected to create 10,000 jobs. There will be 4- and 5-star hotels as well.
PASHINYAN: It will be in place of the HayPost [post office] building on 22 Saryan St. Modern construction standards will be introduced in Armenia. Since our independence, there has never been a complex of this scale. It will help Armenia raise the "we are open for business" flag.
MHER GRIGORYAN: Armenia is the only country in the region without a World Trade Center. Being the last means we can have the best quality and newest technology. //
Armenia-based Renshen will invite the international architectural giant Norman Foster, known for developing the Apple Park in California, Germany's Reichstag Building, New York skyscraper Hearst Tower, the City Hall of Southwark (London), Millennium Bridge in London, Bilbao Metro, and more.
Who will own the complex? 50% investors, 30% HayPost, 20% Government. The company will buy HayPost's shares within the next 5 years. The revenue will help develop HayPost. It will have a new modern sorting facility to handle more parcels.
source,

16-year-old boy survives a fall from Kievian Bridge

source,

Yerevan's Yeritasardakan subway station has new lighting: VIDEO

It's the first of several to come.
video,

My husband (32M) and I (31F) are a military family. Been married 3 years but together 7. He’s deployed right now to a pretty calm location, with no combat and short work days + weekends off. Currently I live alone in our home, and we’re stationed overseas. He’s set to return here in a few months. For context, it’s nice in a way, to have him deployed. I have the home to myself to present it the way I like. I don’t have to rub his back every night the way he likes. No meals to cook unless I want to. And because he’s not here, I don’t find or feel any crumbs or dipping tobacco in my sheets. But it does get lonely here sometimes. Right now, I’m alone in this foreign place. But I try to make the best of it, because it’s beautiful.
My husband isn’t really there for me emotionally, the way I’d like him to be. But I get by, and for the most part, I try to be patient. Generally he is very loving and affectionate. But he doesn’t like to talk. He doesn’t like to be bothered with much outside of his job. He doesn’t like to plan for the future, or strategize in terms of career. He doesn’t like to talk about finances, and has made a few financial pitfalls. Last year he bought 2 cars he couldn’t afford, insisting that he’d sell them for a profit. He never tried to sell, and the cats are sitting in parking lots out here growing rust. But we all make financial mistakes. When he was here, he had a hard time being here for me emotionally. I like to explore new places, go for walks, and spend time with people I love. He outright refused to do those things with me for a long time, and when I’d ask him he’d get upset and talk about his job. Things got better and he started taking me out some, but he can still be this way with me. He prefers that I don’t go for my daily walks. That I stay home, rub his back, and watch tv or movies with him until he falls asleep. In a lot of ways, this deployment is a great break from that chaos. For a while he seemed happier out there, with a different group of people from other units. But things have apparently taken a turn.
This past week, I asked if he would spare time and talk with me for a few minutes later in the day, as I’d received awful news about a close family member that I needed to talk through. He said sure, and the day went on. But he never offered up a set time. He got off work early that day and told me he was going to take a nap, and when push came to shove, he flaked on talking at all, saying he wasn’t feeling good. The next day I checked in on him and broached the topic of us talking as planned, and he told me he felt he was going through depression. That a lot of dudes out there were going through something similar, and that he could go and do things, but talking was taking a lot out of him. I pivoted and tried to encourage him and asked if there was anything I could do to help. He told me sending funny videos would help and that he enjoyed seeing photos and videos I was taking of my life out here, so I sent some of those along, but he didn’t really engage with it much.
The week went on like this, with very little communication on his part. I would get bits and pieces, he would he out with colleagues to eat, have drinks, and spend time after work. But he didn’t talk to me, wouldn’t share what might be going on with him internally. I told him this hurt my feelings, and that I didn’t feel like he was prioritizing his relationship with me. Specifically during a time when I really needed to talk.
Cut to this past weekend. My husband and I did talk a bit Saturday evening. It was a short phone conversation about channel passwords. At the end of the convo, I’d again told him, I felt frustrated and sad because he wasn’t really communicating with me. My husband told me he understood and that he loved me. We hang up and I feel glad we got to talk, and that he could understand where I was coming from. I call it a night Saturday night and fall asleep haphazardly, forgetting to text him goodnight.
It’s Sunday morning and I wake up, and husband hasn’t texted, his phone is actually off. It remains off for most of the day. I text him good morning and go about my day, and hours later he texts good morning. I ask him how his night went. Usually, when his phone dies over night, there’s been drinking involved. He’s fallen asleep and forgotten to charge his phone. Stuff like that. There’s radio silence on his end, and then it starts to hit me that just last night, he told me he could understand where I was coming from with my frustrations with him. But he’s just continuing to fail to communicate, or prioritize us. I tell him I’m feeling a slight way about all of this. He texts me back a little bit later and is like give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll give you the rundown about last night.
Two hours go by, and nothing. Then he tells me actually, he “had an accident” last night (not the car kind) and used the bathroom (unsure #1 or #2 on himself), on his bed, and on his rug. He tells me he’s spent the last bit of time trying to clean that up, and that he feels awful about it.
I tell him I’m so sorry that this is happening, and that it sounds terrible. But I add that it has nothing to do with what’s been going on between us. He gets upset and says “Yeah, I’m going through some things right, but I’ll be sure to sit and take a look at how you’ve been feeling.”
I tell him that feels like a slap in the face response. Then he tells me he wants “some space”. These words really trigger me, because 1. He tends to ask for “space” at the slightest hint of conflict between us, but he never, ever offers up a time for reengagement, to sort through our issues. For him, space can take days or weeks, if left unchecked. 2. I just feel so beyond let down by him shutting down for the umpteenth time, right when I’m airing out valid concerns.
This is the part that I’m not proud of. I feel deeply ashamed and responsible for my actions, and at the same time I feel so upset and righteous: I call him non stop for 2 hours, demanding that he talk to me. I text him message after message, imploring him to pick up the phone. I tell him not to speak to me for the rest of the deployment, and then I’m begging him to just talk with me for 5 minutes. It’s chaos. And I’m doing this for about 2 hours straight.
He blocks me on iPhone but keeps me unblocked on WhatsApp. And he just lets the phone ring and ring, which baffles me. In hindsight, he might have been letting it ring to show his buddies how “crazy” his wife is. Or to have documented evidence of how “crazy, unhinged, and disrespectful of boundaries” I can be, just in case we split and get a divorce.
Whatever the reason, he lets me keep calling and calling, until after midnight his time and 2 am my time.
And this is where we’re at.
How do I recover from such a messed up thing that I’ve done? I feel so bad, for ruining this man’s night and potentially fucking up his Monday morning. And I also feel so frustrated that he doesn’t care about me. I feel hurt. And I also feel like I lack self respect or love for myself. How do I recover from all of these hurt feelings and shame I have over what I’ve done?
You know what I hate? I hate that this fucked up relationship I have with this guy can sometimes make me so desperate. Why do I care and try and try with someone who is soiling themselves in drunken stupors, and actively avoiding having solid communication with me?
I feel so bad about myself this morning. I feel alone in my relationship and afraid to just be here, alone with myself. How do I make things right, first with myself, and later with him. Despite his piss poor treatment of me, I do deeply feel that I owe him an apology, for calling like that and not respecting his space. That’s not who I want to be. But is this who I am? It’s what I did in my moment of weakness. How do I recover from this?
TL;DR: I went nuts oh my emotionally and physically absent husband. I feel hurt by him and frustrated, but I know that was wrong. how do I recover from my bad behavior?

General Content Warning for this entire write-up, so everyone can have a good time: - Extensive discussion of topics related to mental illness, including self-harm, suicidal ideation, mania / bipolar disorder, distortion of truth, medication, involuntary hospitalization, medical abuse in a hospital setting, and romanticization of mental illness. - Non-detailed mentions of domestic violence (implied abuse by intimate partner and parents) and sexual / gender-based violence (including rape, child sexual assault, grooming, sex trafficking and torture). These last few items feature prominently in one installment, pertaining to a work of fiction; descriptions may be a bit more specific/detailed in that segment, but not graphic. - Mentions and quotes of unchill bigoted behavior, including ableism (mental and physical), white nonsense / white fragility / racism, fatphobia, prejudice against drug users.
Additional CWs may be added at the beginning of specific segments when relevant. While these are heavy topics, the tone of this write-up is generally light-hearted and aims to entertain. If this approach sounds uncomfortable or trivializing, this may not be a good read for you; please trust your gut!
*
Picture this: it's the early 2010s, somewhere in the western world. Instagram is a novelty, Harvey Weinstein runs Hollywood, almost no one on Earth leans one way or the other about RNA vaccines, and Donald Trump is that one real estate guy you vaguely remember from Home Alone 2. New player Lady Gaga is the most interesting thing to have happened to pop since Madonna, and the whole industry is attempting to catch up; Miley Cyrus is the chick who used to be on Hannah Montana; Melanie Martinez hasn't hatched yet. The time of Oddball Concept Divas is dawning just below the horizon.
You're a Bowie-loving student who skipped goth night at the club to tag along with your art school friends for a very special evening. You're a giddy sixteen-year old rocking cat ears, purple Wet 'n Wild eyeliner, a polyester petticoat, and a coffin-shaped backpack. You're an effete theater kid who sewed his own waistcoat for the occasion, but won't dare wear it to school the next day. You're a buff, bearded dude in a Venom shirt who's trying not to look too excited, since your girlfriend supposedly had to drag you here. You're a slightly bemused parent leaning against the back wall of the venue, sipping a warm half-pint, wondering if this isn't all a bit dark for a tween. (“It's called 'Victoriandustrial', mom,” you've been told in the car, “and it's not dark, it's art.”)
On stage is a pink-haired woman, with red porcelain-doll lips and a heart painted on her cheek. Among a set of antique consoles, twee tchotchkes, teacups and plastic rats, she pounces and twirls in glittery platform boots, tattered striped stockings, and a tightly laced crystal-studded corset that looks like it's splattered in blood. This is ostensibly a concert, but there is no live band. Where one would expect a drum kit or a bass, three bedazzled burlesque vixens act as back-up singers and dancers, with the occasional vaudeville act – a fire-twirling number, a fan dance, throwing pastries and spitting tea into the audience. Lots of wholesome girl-on-girl kissing, too. The music on the backing track is a genre-bender of clanging beats and beeps, lofty orchestral strings, and the frantic hammering of a MIDI harpsichord, as the pink-haired frontlady sings of heartache and betrayal and drowning. Think if the Brontë sisters had invented industrial rock.
The audience gasps in excitement when the lady whips out a vamped-out wireless electric violin. With rockstar cool and virtuoso poise, she leans into the instrument, touches the bow to the strings, and tears out a single plaintive, impeccably distorted high note. Then her fingers go wild, and for a few seconds, everything is perfect suspended animation. Uncannily perfect, almost. Just behind you, you hear someone whisper: “Wait, is she miming it?”
*
Forgive the theatrical intro, but I had to set the stage for... the drama. And I do mean drama in the thespian sense of the term! This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Shakespeare play: wordy and confusing, but it's neat how the main character's opening lines foreshadow the tragic climax. It's a Greek tragedy for the digital age – if, instead of killing his dad and banging his mom, after becoming king, Oedipus was doomed to becoming uniquely obnoxious. It's The Rocky Horror Show under the grim direction of Samuel Beckett. Like all good theatre, this story is about how fiction bleeds into reality – through the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, and how all the world's a stage and all that.

WHO IS EMILIE AUTUMN, AND WHAT'S THE DRAMA?

Here's the Broadway Weekly blurb, so you can decide whether the show is worth your time: Emilie Autumn, also known as EA, is a US-American alternative singer-songwriter, author, and actor. She became known in alt circles in the mid-2010s for her violin skills, unique fashion, outspoken stances on feminism and mental health advocacy, and the way she dramatized and sublimated her own life story in her art. In 2009, she self-published a semi-autobiographical book that became a sort of bible to her creative universe and fandom. She toured extensively and enjoyed niche, but considerable success until the mid-2010s – with hordes of devoted fans adopting her fashion sense and lingo, and crediting her music for getting them through dark times.
For the past twelve years or so, EA has mostly been focused on adapting her book into a stage musical, releasing two more albums of songs intended for the libretto. At the time of this write-up, it has been six years since the last album and a decade since the last live show. Although she still talks about the musical as an ongoing, Broadway-bound project, in recent years, she's often gone dark for months at a time on social media. There is no forum, no large Discord, no active community to speak of; comments are restricted on her currently-inactive Instagram and blog.
Who is she hiding from, you ask? Why, you've probably guessed it: the hordes of devoted fans whom she infuriates every time she does anything.
And what are they furious about? (Or frustrated, flummoxed, or plain ol' flabbergasted?) Well, it depends who you ask. For some, it's disappointment in her artistic and marketing choices (what are fans for?). Others cite unkept promises or absurd release delays. For others yet, it's the AliBaba merch sold at jaw-dropping markups with three paragraphs of purple prose in the product description.. Or maybe it was the angry rants on Twitter? Okay, it's the casual bigotry that she staunchly denies or dismisses. It's the criticism she can't take. It's the fact that she won't stop lying about her own life! Either way, I don't personally know of any fanbase that has been so consistently exasperated, for so many years, and for such a diverse array of reasons, by their favorite artist.
In truth, each individual mini-scandal isn't all that juicy or scandalous. Nobody died, no one got sued; nothing of significant value, other than time and sanity, was taken away from anyone. What I find interesting here is the years and years of bizarre parasocial codependency (and antagonism) between a fragile woman who became addicted to her own poppycock, and an obsessive fanbase who cared way too much not to take it personally.
Before we even get to EA's relationship with her fans, you're going to need some lore about EA herself. A “Hobby History” of sorts. Strap in! There's romance, tragedy, laughter, character development, variety numbers, numerous costume changes, (actual) celebrity cameos – and based on how long this OpenOffice doc already is at the time of my writing this, we're probably going to need several intermissions too. This write-up is link-heavy, both with receipts and with additional watching and listening material. Not all of them need to be clicked in order to understand the story; I'm merely providing the rabbit holes. I've tried to make things more easily navigable by including a little glossary about the nature of links; one emoji-indicator carries over the next link until I use a different one.
🪞 = picture / visual 🎵 = music 📺 = video 📝 = primary source / receipt 🔍 = press article / write-up / further reading 🎤 = song lyrics / spoken word audio 🐀 = anonymous fan confession 🦠 = reaction / meme

BAROQUE BEGINNINGS: THE VIOLIN YEARS

VampireFreaks: Do you ever smile to yourself knowing your old music teachers might be seeing your success? EA: I smile to myself knowing they might be dead. (Long-lost interview, late 2000s)

Born in Malibu in the late 70s, Emilie Autumn, often known as EA, was originally trained as a classical violinist.
By her account, she started playing the violin at age 4, and was homeschooled at age 9 so that she could focus on her instrument. After stints at various performing arts colleges, some rather prestigious, she dropped out of formal schooling in her mid-to-late teens to embark on a solo violin career.
In 2001, after disappointing experiences with major record companies, she created her own label, Traitor Records, and released a EP of chamber music, with minor success. The stuffy industry of classical music didn't “get” the twenty-something manic-pixie-fiddler, who played Bach just a bit too fast, but with electric stage presence – wearing period corsets, combat boots, and the occasional fairy wings. But EA evidently knew that there was an audience for that somewhere.
And that somewhere – drumroll – was Illinois.

VW: What do you most hope to accomplish? EA: Everything. (‘Virtual World Radio’ Interview, 2002 📝)

ENCHANT ERA: BRUSHES WITH FAME ON FAERIE WINGS

What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep? (...) What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep? (“What If”, 2003 🎵)

Soon, EA relocated from her native California to Chicago. There, in between odd jobs, she veered away from baroque and began performing her own “fantasy rock” stylings at piano bars, holiday fairs and local venues – and building a decent following through her LiveJournal, website, and IRL friends. People loved the whole renegade genius thing, loved the violin, loved the nightingale voice, loved the fairy wings and costumes🪞, loved the handmade merch and general disdain for The Business, loved her deadpan humor and bookish nerdiness. In 2003, she released her first LP, Enchant 🎵 – an ethereal, introspective indie-pop joint, born under the sign of Imogen Heap, with a moon in Fiona Apple and Tori Amos rising.
Everything about EA's act was exquisitely DIY, personal, and intricate. For instance, the Enchant booklet folded out into a Masquerade-style puzzle of her own design.🪞 The first person to solve the puzzle would win “the Wings, Ruff, Fan and Scepter of the Faerie Queene herself” – all lovingly handmade by EA, and depicted in peak 2003 graphic design on the booklet. For months, YEARS after Enchant came out, people poured over the cryptic metaphors and literary references, the historical symbolism and visual puns of the artwork, looking for hints and patterns. They read every fan chat, every interview, every relevant Shakespeare play, hoping to decipher the inner workings of EA's mind and find new keys to the puzzle. Sure, it's been two decades now and no one's ever managed to crack the damn thing 🔍, which is by now widely assumed to be flawed and unsolvable; still, it's the kind of zany, brainy, immersive experience that tends to cultivate a niche but hyper-invested fanbase.
So it makes perfect sense that underground aficionada and internet frontierswoman Courtney Love (she haunted public AOL chatrooms as early as 1995! 🔍) would take an interest. Just a few months after releasing Enchant, EA was off to southern France to record violin and vocals for Courtney's new solo album; a few months after that, in early 2004, she joined Courtney's band on a brief tour to promote the record.
Alas, no cigar: America's Sweetheart flopped. Maybe because most of those summer recording sessions were ultimately lost to an engineering oopsie; maybe because Courtney was having an especially rough year – and going through all the “rock-bottom moments” that she would discuss in group therapy, later that fall, when she began her sobriety journey at court-ordered rehab. EA, a former homeschool kid who had never done drugs, seems to remember the tour as a generally terrifying experience; she later stated, with some bitterness, that the experience was not worth the time it had taken away from her own solo career.
But it was a good year for TV appearances! Here she is on the David Letterman Show in March 2004, rocking out on a perfectly inaudible violin as C-Love fades in and out of her own body. 📺 She also landed a cute tutorial segment on HGTV's Crafters: Coast to Coast, making sushi-shaped soap and fairy wings. In December, she accompanied Billy Corgan for a Christmas song on a Chicago station.
All of this was chronicled in quirky, wordy posts on her blog – interspersed with late-night musings about casual misogyny in the media 📝, including against Courtney, handmade crafts and clothing auctions, candid pictures of outings with friends in Chicago... as well as periodic updates on the progress of her next opus: Opheliac.

God, too much to even begin to tell right now, and I’m recording anyway, but I can give you this update: I just finished yesterday recording violin parts and backing vocals for B. Corgan’s first single (...) More later, recording piano for my new track “GOD HELP ME”…why do I torture myself with my own self-inflicted drama…or is it a way of exorcizing…yes, I’ll go with that one for now…☠ (“Whirlwind...”, December 2004)

By that point, EA was starting to be more open about her conflicted relationship with what would later be diagnosed as bipolar disorder. The galaxy-brain moments, the trance of creative frenzies, the liminal high of going three days without sleep, the magic... the crippling sensitivity, the restless anxiety, the Zoloft that one both needs and hates, the ever-lurking suicidal thoughts. As EA gradually revealed over the course of 2004, Opheliac would be an exploration of the “mad woman” archetype. The title was a medical neologism for “the syndrome of Ophelia”, as in the tragic character from Hamlet 🔍, driven to insanity and ultimate self-destruction by the fuckboys who rule her life. Here's EA explaining it in her own words. 🎤 The album would dive into how psychiatry and romantic relationships are governed by old misogynistic tropes, and how the “mentally ill” label is used to silence and downplay the justified anger and hurt of abused women.
In a striking case of life imitating art (are you picking up on the theme yet?), this concept was about to become more painfully relevant than ever to EA's personal existence.
CW: implied partner abuse, suicidal ideation.

DISENCHANTMENT: A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

In the lake, you will find me Behind your house, behind your house (...) My ocean is bluer than the heart you had to break My sea is deeper than your lake (“In the Lake”, 2005 🎵)

Where were we? Ah yes, the Christmas song with Billy Corgan at the end of 2004. Around that time, EA was also recording violin parts and backing vocals for his upcoming solo album. 🎵 They had presumably connected through Courtney, they both lived in Chicago, I guess something clicked.
In January of 2005, EA abruptly went off of her meds, broke up with her live-in boyfriend-slash-bassist, packed up her violin and corsets, and moved into Corgan's mansion. In March of 2005, she posted very melancholy lyrics about drowning in a lake to haunt a deceitful lover. The post was entitled“In The Lake (The Zoloft is calling my name...)” 🎤📝. Later, after the song was released as a B-side, EA disclosed that it had been intended as a public suicide note 📝.
Blog entries from that time touched on a “whirlwind of action and emotion”, “changing residences” and feeling like “you're falling through the air, but you don't know if you'll hit the water or the rocks” 📝. But, EA being an expert vague-poster, her posts remained very elusive about what was going on, who was involved, and how it impacted her. (The specifics were pieced together years later, by fan-led forensic efforts – which, obviously, involved ascertaining the existence of an actual body of water in Billy Corgan's backyard 📝).
Whatever happened over the course of those months was never disclosed explicitly by EA, but is widely assumed to have inspired songs such as “Liar” 🎤, “Misery Loves Company”, “Let the Record Show”, and “I Know Where You Sleep”, , recorded that same spring. A solid quarter of the Opheliac tracklist – which was shaping out to be decidedly darker and grittier than Enchant.

You can lie to the papers, you can hide from the press (...) I know your tainted flesh, I know your filthy soul I know each trick you played, whore you laid, dream you stole I know the bed in the room in the wall in the house Where you got what you wanted and ruined it all I know the secrets that you keep I know where you sleep

Even as her personal blog posts grew more somber, nihilistic, and generally fed-up in the face of what she called “the worst breakdown of her young life”, even as the songwriting process had her rummage through traumatic memories [CW: CSA] 🎤, and even as the Corgan-adjacent trauma was compounded by various rushed moves and broken friendships over that summer and fall, EA remained remarkably (some might say frantically) prolific.
Other than progress on Opheliac, 2005 saw multiple violin collaborations with alternative bands, numerous auctions of, mh, visually strident “punktorian” fashion pieces 📝🪞 (“STRESS COUTURE!” 🦠📺), and an updated re-issue of her 2001 poetry collection, complete with audiobook. ("...The book has been selling like crack in a limo with Courtney Love (and believe me, I know)." - Ooooof, EA. Low-hanging fruit. 📝)
In October, she started recruiting:

WANTED: Hot goth bitch to join touring band of other hot goth bitches. (...) Must be able to: sing backing vocals in a wide range with excellent pitch, growl à la Kittie, handle minimal keyboard parts, push buttons/turn knobs with killer attitude, be extremely comfortable on stage in bloomers and a corset, reside in the Chicago area, know the difference between a crumpet and a scone, have at least one hidden talent. 📝

By winter, most of her blog post titles were written in THIS FORMAT!!!!!!!! In December, she announced that “Emilie Autumn and the Bloody Crumpets” would preview Opheliac live at the Double Door in Chicago, on Friday the 13th (ooh!) of the following month. “We are coming to destroy your world,” the post threatened enticingly. "Miss it and suffer. We really don't want to hurt you.” The flyer advertised a dress code:

Masquerade, Ophelias, green girls, Victorian insane asylum escapees, princes of Denmark, bloomered harlots and rogues – general burlesque ribaldry!

Exit diaphanous butterfly wings and elven tiaras 📺, enter the haunted murder-doll with the blood-red heart on her cheek; out with Elizabethan chamber-pop, in with Victoriandustrial. The fairy had to die to make way for the iconic, the sublime, the tragic, the ridiculous, the positively bananas...

OPHELIAC ERA: LET THE RECORD SHOW

EA: What's more interesting, and what's more fun to watch, than a crazy girl's self-destruction? Nothing. Nothing in the world. (The Opheliac Companion, 2008 🎤)
If I'm going down Then I'm going down good I'm going down Then I'm going down clean (...) The prettiest broken girl you've ever seen (“Let the Record Show”, 2006 🎵)

CW: mania, self-harm, abortion, suicidal ideation, hospitalization.
If you haven't gathered as much by now, what fans were witnessing in real time on EA's blog, without necessarily seeing it, was the ebb and flow of a months-long manic episode. That's not me armchair-diagnosing: EA herself has discussed penning and recording a lot of her best material in a trance-like rush, “when you're writing on the ceiling because there's not enough paper to contain your thoughts”.

...Once I became stable and healthy, I realized that I had no memory of how a great deal of my music had been created. I had written and even programmed most of my best work in a similar manic state, and, when stark raving sane, I didn’t know how to do it anymore, because the part of me that really composes never needed to know how to do it, it just did. (2019 Instagram post 📝)

It's not an uncommon experience for artists with bipolar disorder. Before you burn so hot that you wind up in the back of an ambulance, and/or before the pendulum swings back towards debilitating depression, the boundless energy, heightened sensitivity, and unexpected thought patterns associated with mania can lead to periods of prolific and effortless creation.
Mania also has the potential to lower your inhibitions, making you more bodacious, more quick-witted – more dazzling, more fun at parties, more dramatic. All traits that are valued in the entertainment industry, especially one that, with the rise of social media, was coming to rely increasingly on parasocial engagement and “personal branding”. Why would you refrain from oversharing, overreacting, overworking, overpromising, overcurating a fantasy image of yourself... when new industry models reward exactly that?
My point is that, in retrospect, “the end was built into the beginning”: all the things that would make fans go “What the hell, Emilie!” in subsequent years were brewing below the surface before the album even dropped.
In the summer of 2006, EA said goodbye to her Chicago friends and returned to California, where she moved in with her new beau, another Illinois-born guitarist with an impressive forehead: Brendon Small, of Dethklok/Metalocalypse quasi-fame. (If you're into that sort of thing: the orchestral strings on “Detharmonic”? Yep, that's EA! 🎵📺)
In September, Opheliac was released into the world. Expectations were high... And many sources agree it was a goddamn banger. It was ultrafemme, ultradark, unhinged, hilarious and deadly and brilliant. It had gnarly kitchen-sink drums layered under angelic string harmonies, fauxperatic swells, and guttural screaming. It had sarcastically self-aware double-entendres that were also literary references that were also musical notation jokes. You get the idea: it was the album that a small, but sizable demographic of tormented millennial teens had been waiting to obsess over. Some time in late 2005 or so, EA had signed with German label Trisol Records, which gave her access to better promotion, press coverage and touring opportunities in Europe when the album came out in the fall. By winter, she was on the cover of alternative mags, and the talk of the town on underground music webzines. Within a year, she was embarking on the first of three almost-back-to-back European tours.
It was around that time that EA started giving her fanbase a more defined, aesthetically on-brand identity. EA, funnily enough, disliked the term “fan” due to its proximity to “fanatic”, and started calling individual supporters “muffins” or the "Bloomer Brigade". (After The Book came out in 2009, they would become “Plague Rats”. You know how pets get weird if you re-name them too many times? I wonder if the same is true of fans.) Meanwhile, EA's fanbase as a collective – as well as her home, her recording studio, her online forum and her inner brainspace... – became canonically known as “The Asylum”. Cue infinite jokes about her fans being “committed.”
And they really were, in a slightly more intense way than your average indie-alternative fanbase. Many fans enthusiastically adopted facets of EA's mannerisms and lingo, which gave the fandom a definite LARP-ing bend; and the official forum did, in fact, offer a subforum for Asylum-themed role-play. (In a number of ways, the Asylum was basically Juggalos for socially anxious theater goths. Substitute the clown facepaint, Faygo, and hatchets for cheek-hearts, Earl Grey tea, and obsolete medical tools.) While there was always some side-eye at the embarrassingly candid, often very young Plague Rats who took the Asylum thing too seriously (always speaking in character and worshipping the ground Mistress Emilie walked on), a lot of people were quite thrilled to play romantic Victorian madhouse with their new favorite artist. Live shows were like costume balls. The forum thrived.
It was like Opheliac had opened a portal to this vibrant and inclusive alternate dimension, which the community was now bringing to life in the real world. And each tour brought more inmates (muffins, Plague Rats, you get it) to the Asylum. “Spread the Plague!” was the name of the game.
So, on paper, in the three years that followed Opheliac, EA kind of won the high-concept-indie-artist equivalent of the lottery. After going through her own personal hell of abuse, major upheavals and serious mental health crises, she had decided to gamble on a radically different tone and musical direction. She came out the other side with critical acclaim for her soul-baring record, tons of live shows with a badass girl squad, photoshoots so iconic they pop up on random Pinterest boards to this day, snazzy corporate sponsorships (including Manic Panic and RockLove Jewelry), and an exponentially growing fanbase who couldn't get enough of whatever she had to give. And she gave quite a lot!
Within those three years, in between tours, EA released A Bit O' This & That 🎵 (a compilation of demos and back-catalogue curiosities), Laced / Unlaced (a full-instrumental double album - one side was the baroque recordings from her late teens, the other was demented, distortion-heavy classical-prog), and three EPs packed with new songs, covers, remixes and bonus content. There was also a deluxe reissue of Enchant, without the puzzle, but with a brand new booklet of handwritten lyrics and marginalia. All came in lovely inter-matching digipaks that really made you want to collect them all – much like the handmade merch 📝🪞 that EA still sold on some legs of her tours. She spent time with the fans at most shows, eventually holding meet-and-greets and private showcases for VIP ticket-holders. She also released “The Opheliac Companion”, a kind of “director's commentary” of the album – roughly 10 hours worth of lyrical deep dives, microphone specs, tangents within tangents within tangents, and whacky (tipsy, sometimes unintelligible) banter between EA and her sound engineer🎤. On top of all that, she wrote, designed and self-published a fully illustrated 200-page coffee-table book, the first print of which sold out within a year. Not bad!
Of course, things that seem to good to be true usually are: at this stage in the story, EA is never as enthusiastically prolific as when her personal life is falling apart behind the scenes.
In the three years that followed Opheliac, along with soaring success, EA got to experience: more rapid-cycling between manic phases and the pits of depression, multiple harrowing medication adjustments, an very-much-unwanted pregnancy followed by a traumatic abortion, a suicide attempt, at least one inpatient stay, and a break-up in the aftermath of it all. There were also a few physical health scares that required hospitalization. On one occasion, she had to go off all her meds cold-turkey when they were confiscated at the EU border right before the start of a tour. In some pictures from her summer 2007 festival appearances, you can make out faint self-harm scars on her thigh through the layered stockings. (Obvious CW, for the morbidly curious.🪞(But if you weren't, would you still be reading?))
So yeah. EA was not doing great.
She didn't share any of these struggles with her fans in real time; her posts were all droll banter and updates on tours and releases. Most of what I just listed was disclosed in late 2009, in the autobiographical part of The Book. (The Book gets at least one instalment of its own. Bear with me, there's a LOT to unpack.) And The Book, while never specifying a timeline, kind of really made it sound like the Bad Stuff (the abortion, the suicide attempt, the hospital stay) had taken place a while back, before the release of Opheliac. In fact, EA plainly stated as much, citing “getting locked up and being put in the asylum" 📝 as the reason for the shift in sound between Enchant and Opheliac.
She repeatedly referred to herself as “stabilized” and “now properly medicated” in interviews. As far as the fanbase was concerned, she had triumphed over her abusers, turned trauma into beauty, and lived to pass on her story of survival. And now she had found balance and community and true acceptance of herself, all that good stuff – and all was fine and dandy within the Asylum. On stage, she sang about blind rage and all-consuming despair and general hopelessness, but she didn't actually feel like that – not anymore, right?
This narrative was both inspirational and quite convenient for the fans. We love our Mad Hatters 🎵📺, our Rainmen, our manic pixies. We love and celebrate “crazy” when it manifests as outside-the-box brilliance and/or bubbly eccentricity. But in my experience, even in spaces that ostensibly focus on "destigmatizing mental illness", positivity and support can quickly turn to rejection and awkwardness when your “quirks” manifest in more challenging ways – like through erratic decisions, aggressive or dishonest behavior, or increasingly untethered beliefs about yourself and the world. No matter how much people claim to “embrace the madness”, it just isn't that fun or in good taste for a large group to play-act ~ whimsical insanity ~ with someone who is for realsies mentally falling apart.
Before time has had time to do its thing, "revisiting your trauma" is just called ruminating. And it's rarely good for you, even when you commit some of greatest art in the process.
I think fans had to assume that there was some critical distance in EA's act, that these extreme negative emotions were all theater – because if they weren't, then the Asylum wasn't an empowering performance about healing from past hurt. It was more like a years-long reality show in which a woman picked at her wounds publicly, again and again, in real time, to the cheers of oblivious strangers who thought they were watching a play.
All I'm saying is that EA was essentially still in the thick of raw trauma when she became a poster-child for overcoming it; that the last thing a person needs, at such a vulnerable stage in their life, is an intense parasocial relationship with sad goth teenagers, let alone one centered around romanticized retellings of their own darkest moments; and that if more people had declined to actively engage in pretend-play that toed the line of self-harm... there is a chance that things might have turned out differently. Maybe EA would still be a successful musician whose career isn't plagued by conflict and mutual disappointment, and maybe some fans wouldn't have wasted years getting red in the face at an over-exposed mentally ill woman for not getting her shit together.
OKAY, THAT GOT HEAVY (and preachy), apologies and thank you for your patience. I will now quit my soapboxing, resume telling the story, and let you draw your own conclusion as our dark plot unravels.

EPILOGUE: DEAD IS THE NEW ALIVE

A quick taste of the poison A quick twist of the knife When the obsession with death, the obsession with death Becomes a way of life ("Dead is the New Alive", 2006 🎵)
I am still over-glorified My reasons to live Were my reasons to die But at least they were mine (“306”, 2006)

In summation: becoming an overnight success thanks to your darkest trauma will do things to person's mind.
As EA kept hyping up how much her fans meant to her, and what an amazing and inclusive and free-thinking motley crew the Asylum was, she was also growing more and more controlling of her increasingly large (and opinionated, and overall rather young) fanbase – and more generally, of the way people ought to talk to and about her.
It was during the Opheliac era that she started reveling in made-up stories about her own life. Then came the habit of losing her shit on fans that she perceived as ungrateful or disrespectful. It was also then that massive kerfuffles became routine on the merch and planning front, and EA's creative output started to routinely fall short of her promises. The more fans started raising legitimate complaints, the more defensive and uncompromising EA became in her public interactions. The more people expressed weariness of the Asylum theme, or started questioning EA's hot takes on mental health and feminism, the harder she doubled down on the Asylum lore and fictional universe. Which is where the drama really starts.
Alright, the time has come. Let's talk about The Book.
...Actually, let's not. I'm nearing my character limit, and you could probably use a break and a stretch after making it this far. This is our intermission, and we'll get to The Book in our next instalment.
Thank you for reading! Stay tuned if you're interested in how it all comes tumbling down.

Anyone else finding the new FB messenger update confusing with the new Meta AI thing? I remember MSN and AOL, back when we had Dial-up, and Google and YouTube didn't exist. iPhones and smartphones weren't around, lime wire was where most of us got our music, unfortunately caused viruses. Our parents had mixed cassette tapes, that they recorded from the radio, while we had burned CDs. Social media wasn't a thing and we had to talk to people face to face, or have mom yell at you to get off the Internet so she could use the phone. Myspace was fun back in 2007, customizing your own profile page how you wanted it, adding a music playlist and teaching us kids how to essentially create our own webpages. Us late 80s and 90's kids experienced a technological revolution between the end of the 20th century through the start of the 21st century. We're constantly adapting and learning from the newer generations, just as we're also teaching what we've learned to the new generation. I'm not saying any generation is better than the other cuz we had toys and products that were proven to be dangerous, and don't get me started with the terrifying animatronic Furbies, where the first release had a lot of defective ones. We had Techno, creepy crawlies, pogs, start of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Our grandparents knocked eachother out with yo-yos, and took their eyes out with jacks or that ball in string cup toy. All in all we're all pretty dumb at first because we have to try in order fail and try again and again to succeed and make a better outcome. Granted people have got hurt or died doing something in order for people to realize yeah let's not do that or yeah now we know. Common sense and street smarts have dwindled, but I would gladly have a 20ish year old help show how to work something on my phone or computer that they can figure out in mere seconds or minutes that is 30-40 yr olds spend forever looking it up and Google sends you to unrelated pages that have nothing to do with what what your looking up, and get overly frustrated, but little cousin Johnny finds the answer or fixes what you need like it's second nature. Then they try to push a pull door. Certain things like that fascinate me that our kids our teaching us and our parents who our now grandparents, yet there are a few eating Tide pods. There are also some pretty inept 30-60 year olds as well. You can't blame a generation on how today's society is because every generation past present and future has molded from eachother. Anyway FB messenger is annoying and I hope I'm not the only one having the same issue with the update.
P.S. the 90s had the best cartoons just saying.

Ok, so minor spoilers, but the premise in The Warning is the gang stumbles upon a (glorious 90s dial up, 56K modem being the best high speed) website dedicated to revealing the Yeerk conspiracy to the world, complete with a chat room where it sure seems like there's a couple people who actually seem to be telling the truth, so of course the gang decides they need to investigate if this is a purposeful Yeerk trap or not, but they need access to Web Access America itself. Anyways... after an brief adventure to get there (that still manages to involve body horror, and life threatening trauma...) they're outside the main control room for WAOL. In the middle of the work day, and they can't wait for night to sneak in, so they're debating how to get access without anyone noticing a gang of teenagers in the said Control Room...
They come up with two basic plans. One is to morph, cause a big distraction, have their computer experts (Ax and Marco) sneak in and get the info they need/want while everyone else is dealing with the sudden zoo. The other, and shot down plan, was to morph one of the employees who works there, and just waltz on in and do what they need. Which gets objected to as "We can't get consent from said employee to morph them, we're doing exactly what the Yeerks do taking over a human host!"
Um... no. They've all pretty much morphed another human at one point before, not to mention their nearly two dozen various animal morphs at this stage... and never, even in their morphing of sapient animals (like dolphins, or when Cassie morphed Rachel, Ax morphed Jake, or Ax's normal mixed gang Human Morph) have they ever encountered an full separate consciousness, like a full thinking, hopes and dreams mind. Just the base animal instincts. Cassie even specifically talks about this when morphing Dolphin for the first time to go rescue Ax in #4 The Message.
So they acquire one or two control room employees... to the employee perspective, they get a bit hazy for a minute, maybe not even really notice/remember the odd out of place kid who suddenly grabbed their hand or whatever... and then that's about it. They go about their day, everything for the most part being nice and normal. Ax and Marco get a facsimile disguise, and maybe while morphed their human has a little bit more jumpy instincts, or they have a desire to listen to Country radio instead, but that's kind of about it. The worst danger is the office Chatty Cathy who wants to talk to Mark about whatever while "Mark" is pulling up the Yeerk website info....
But their Zoo distraction plan? The one they go with? Well, even if absolutely zero people in the building, or the Police response, are Controllers... the chances of the Yeerks *NOT* hearing about sudden appearance (and disappearance) of that specific animal combo of Tiger, Bear, and Hawk (even if Cassie was a Skunk instead of Wolf)... it's still gonna set off some sort of alarm bells that the Andalite Bandits are up to something at WAA...
How do the Yeerks investigate? They're gonna grab Mark, and/or Chatty Cathy and/or whoever else works in there, and actually fully enslave them. No facsimile body copy, straight up enslavement. Oh and while Ax can probably work his magic that no WAOL employee will see what they did (no one is even looking), but a Controller looking explicitly for signs of Andalite tampering on the primitive Human computer systems? Yeah they'll pick that up. And as good as the Ax-man is... well we all know he suffers from "Andalite Superiority Syndrome" and there's an even chance the Yeerk controlled AOL discovers the "Yeerks are here!" website, and decide to just turn everyone in the chat who isn't a Controller... into one.
In other words, if you've followed along with my rant so far, by going "We can't be as bad as the Yeerks and temporarily use a facsimile body copy with no real mind of it's own, that doesn't affect the original person in any noticeable way"... they would end up dooming said person to actual Yeerk enslavement. And like, it's not the first (nor I believe IIRC the last) time they were in a sticky, convoluted situation they could have avoided straight up by using a human disguise instead...
Le sigh lol
(I guess it's a good thing there's even more crazy horrors involved towards the books end that allow them to wrap things up, potentially without getting the Yeerks to take a closer look at WAA thanks to their zoo distraction shenanigans, but still.... lol)
Rant over... think I'll go find some cinnamon buns.. bunz... no men.. bun-zah!

Last summer, I run into this guy I had a crush on in highschool after 15 years. We hit it off.. he lovebombs the shit out of me and I start falling for him hard. One morning, a few weeks later, I wake up to no text back. I wait a day, start feeling anxious, the next day I become brave and ring him up… find out I’m blocked. Completely crushed I go out and get drunk and text his blocked number something like thanks for ghosting me. A week later I meet up a friend at the bar we all hang out, he walks in, I immediately exit to meet my friend outside and sit with her. He comes out side and stares at me. I politely say hello but because he hurt me play it off like everything’s cool. A bit later I walk to my car to get something and he follows me, I’m dying on the inside cos I already fell for him and he hugs me and tells me he’s sorry. I once again feel elated, I go home we resume texting like before, completely high on him again. A week later, I realize I’m blocked again… once again my moon goes from happy to complete depression. I say to myself fuck him this time. Depressed, I plan to go to the beach a few days later, he texts me ‘I’m sorry I’ve just been going through a lot’ I get that rush of dopamine, to where I’ll do anything I feel bad for him, he tells me how he fell of a tower at work and was in the hospital and has a broken rib, and lost his job….oddly he never goes into details like the story is never clear on what happened to him. I invite him to the beach with me, our I guess first date. We have a great time, and we stop at a local bar before we go back to our own cars and have some drinks.
At that point he starts talking weird. I’m high on love but he starts saying how he’s starting a new job tomorrow out of state, and how he can’t do it cos he has feelings for me. I try to encourage him that everything is okay cos work is important, and also cos I adore him and will wait for him. He tells me I just don’t get it, we hug and part ways. On my drive home he calls and there is a new side to him. He’s drunk and my anxiety is through the roof cos he’s talking crazy. Convo turns bad, I hang up, he begins to call me, every time I answer he’s starts screaming… I just throw my phone down and start crying not understanding what to do. He then begins to escalate texting me how he is going to kill himself and how it’s all my fault, terrorizing me. I was begging him to stop trying to show endless compassion and support until he told me he’s up on a tower and that he wants me to leave messages for his son and daughter. That’s when I contact the police. Long story short… they find the tower he’s at but he dodges them there, but they find him hours later at home and take him to a mental institution. He spends a few days there. When he comes out, he tells me how he’s gonna change his life, how he lost his drivers license, his job, is on probation and a bunch of legal and financial problems as a result… I am now FULLY traumatized and feel so bad for him and wanna be there for him and support him. When he comes out, he calls me crying how I saved his life, how he loves me.. he asks me if I have a restraining order and I assure him that I’m just glad he’s okay. He asks me if he can see me one more time. I agree. We meet up for a walk and talk about life, I share about myself some private stuff, I’m completely trauma bonded to him now…
A week later, he gets another job out of state. Last time I’ll se whim before he leaves is on his birthday, completely high on love and each other, I trusted him to have sex with him that night, I’m so in love that it’s amazing even though he said a few things that made me feel weird. He was holding my head and demanding I look him in the eyes, and said ‘this p**** belongs to me. The sex was great but also overwhelming. The next morning he was going out of state for work for a few weeks. I was completely in love and happy… as soon as he got to Florida, not a few days went by, late at night we’re talking on the phone about our plans for our future when he comes back, something eventually triggers him (he was drinking) and he starts saying how he can’t do this and that he is gonna come back now… eventually it turns into him smashing his fists And screaming, I freeze in horror hoping to get him back but he is yelling… I hang up, he calls yelling, I keep hanging up and eventually stop answering cos I’m bawling my eyes… he proceeds to call over 100 times in one night, leaving me 50 voicemails, all striaght to jail. Threats of suicide, threatening to kill me, calling me an ugly dumb whore, telling me my p%**# stinks, telling me I’m worthless. Telling me I ruined his life by calling 911 and putting his financial stress, legal problems as my fault. I text him it’s enough and that there is no coming back from what he just did. Completely heartbroken and devastated… all I wanted was him back but how could I after this? I meet my friend and confess to her what is happening. She listens to his voicemails and tells me ‘he’s disgusting’. My spirit is crushed and low like never in my life, I’m still in love with him and did nothing wrong but it’s ruined beyond repair. The next day he texts me ‘I’m an idiot for what I said to you, you know I love you right?’ By this point I’m beyond trauma bonded. I continue talking to him for a few days to find myself blocked again one day. He crushes me again…. Then he discards me with explanation that ‘he needs to work on himself, that I’m amazing, that he wants to be the best man he could ever be for me and leaves me. Final discard. I spend the next two days bawling my eyes out, got sent home from work cos I’m unable to function. I try calling him and texting him and he is radio silent, I completely loose my mind. I humiliate myself texting him over 60 times, met with complete silence, and he can read my blocked texts. That was one of the lowest points in my life, I felt like I experienced a psychotic break, I had a knife in my hand crying on my bathroom floor, and I’ve never done something like that. He unblocks me for a day to tell me the ‘you know I adore you right?’ Type message and then blocks me again. My messages turn from begging him to talk to me to telling him what a pos he is. I accuse him of not falling at work, I accuse him of not going to a mental institution, I tell him how he traumatized me with his threats of suicide, I jsit go crazy texting talking to myself. He then proceeds to tell me how he’s coming back to town but won’t be speaking to me cos he’s staying away for my own good, (why announce it)how he ‘has love for me’ but is going to ‘work on himself’… I feel like it’s another lie so I go to his house two times to drive by and see if he’s back like he says or lying. I don’t see his car but also I literally degraded and humiliated myself at this point to where I let go. Completely traumatized and discarded.
I learn about narcissist abuse on the internet at this point. I spend the next few months in severe shame, depression and ruminating thoughts trying to make sense of it all, feeling low having to live with the horrible names he called me and said to me. What’s messed up is I knew I was so attached to him that it hurt me more that he won’t talk to me than anything else he’s done/said.
Read my part two please to learn how we reconnected and he jsit discarded me again, and now I’m left feeling like he’s right about me and I’m the narcissist/ abuser if interested.

My Aunt was the MC for the wedding so I got to hear about all the fun her and my Sister had planning the wedding. She did a little song and dance, where she just changed some words to fit the situation. I wish I could remember it. I would have LOVED to have made up a song and dance, I grew up directing my siblings and cousins, we’d put on shows for the adults all the time. I was feeling overwhelmed so I went outside before the song finished to collect myself. Not a single member of my family picked up on the fact that I might be hurt, but my sister's best friends managed to piece it together. They followed me outside and asked if I was okay. My SISTER'S FRIENDS managed to ask if I was okay but not a single member of my family did. We had mostly the same people at both of our weddings who would have seen the difference in my wedding compared to my Sisters. They would have noticed that I wasn't at any of the events leading up to the wedding, so I imagine they'd just take whatever excuse my Sister or Aunt gave as to why I wasn't involved and believe it. I was super uncomfortable at the wedding, my Sisters maid of honour had cornered me so I had to make small talk with someone who I felt had replaced me in my Sisters wedding. I just know that if I was in her position, I would be very uncomfortable coming between family and I would have encouraged my friend to really consider the decision to cut out their only Sister from anything to do with the wedding. I wanted so so bad to help, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My sisters wedding could have been exactly what I needed in order to keep my mind busy instead of dwelling on what I could have done different to save my relationship. I would have been more than happy to contribute financially to the wedding, I would have done anything just to be included.
I'm having a hard time continuing writing this with everything going on right now. My Brother and Nephew have the same birthday so we had my Grandfather and his girlfriend over. I don't ever mean to ruin events in anyway but the evening ended with my Grandfather asking my opinion on Trump and him leaving to go watch “his old buddy Joe Biden” give his big speech he just did. My family watches the news and for whatever reason they hate Trump, it's the Trump derangement syndrome its a real thing, you cannot have a rational conversation with someone with it because they cut you off and yell over you trying to talk. No mature conversations with this group because if i make a single point to my Mom she goes into “you're right, I just suck at everything” when she knows I don't need to be right I'd just like to be heard.
I realise that everyone is just trying to make sense of the information we're given but anyone whose ever known me, knows how much I hate fighting. Biden just stated his plans to continue providing weapons and funds to a war that Trump will end. I will always like the guy that would rather talk to Putin himself rather than making assumptions and generalised statements that aren't based in facts. No one has any interest in learning what I believe in, only to ask specific questions and then be disappointed with my answer when I would be happy to see Trump in office again. The grabbing by the pussy thing really didn't offend me at all but I like to look at things in context and for the other side to have released that recording right before the vote, if that's the worst they got on this guy then that just makes me like him more. Mom bought me a MAGA hat when she went to Florida “as a joke” she said, I wasn't joking when I asked for one so I didn't get the joke. Anyways, after my Grandparents left I just happened to come across the report Tucker Carlson had posted that had to do with the “January 6th attack” being a setup so I sent it to them with a message saying “I just want you guys to have all the information, we are being lied to” sort of thing and as per usual got nothing back in response. My Brother invited them over again this weekend but they didn’t come this time, but they could have had other plans or something.
Then this morning I decided that I was going to check if my ex had messaged me at all because I've had him blocked up till now. He wished me a Happy Birthday on my birthday back in January, then he sent me a YouTube link to the song Please Forgive Me By Brian Adams which melted my heart the more I listened to the words. Since then he texted me “Hey Sarah” on February 24th and “Hi Sarah” on the 25th and then nothing. I sent the link to my Mom and asked if she thought this was him being manipulative and why now? I don’t usually tell my Mom about things until I've had time to process and I’m ready to listen to someone else's perspective of things.
Anyways back to the story. Once all the stress and worrying that I had about going to the wedding was gone, that's when the guilt for having another child in the house multiplied. My boyfriend at the time had just started getting into tattooing, so he was busy practising. I was his first tattoo, he did a great job. But the little boy wasn’t getting the attention he needed and I hated myself when I'd pick him up instead of my own kids and it just sucked. If I would have met this man before I became such a mess of a person we could have had a good life. Another thing that didn't sit well with me was that when I told him that I wanted to build my own house he laughed and said I couldn’t do that. For him not to believe in me, it hurt in a way that it felt like he was insulting me in everyway. It's completely possible that I made something out of nothing, I'm sure it's something I'm capable of doing and I'd never doubt that I've been wrong about the meaning behind a statement. Anyways, the breakup was hard. I could see how this guy could have been a really great role model for my boys, he went to work and did what he had to in order to provide for himself and his son and I really respected that. I think it was his baby Momma and how quick her visits started and then were done and how happy the little boy was to be back to us that I really started to hate other women.
From there I figured out that there's a pattern to when guys get lonely, it could be the same for women for all I know, but I decided that sex without commitment is absolutely pointless and reckless and that's not the example I wanted to set for my children. I hadn’t stopped responding to guys that would message me but when all they wanted was to sleep with me I lost interest in responding to them. Id just imagine what my kids would be seeing and what they must be thinking and it wasn't possible for me to have a “friend with benefits” and lead the example I want to for my kids. I don't want my daughters to think that it's normal to have guy friends that cant keep their hands off of them. I didn't want to be setting up my parents to babysit, just so I can give someone else what they want. I don't need the sex, sex was always about connection for me. I miss having people who genuinely cared about my opinion, who came to me for advice. I miss having someone I can run my ideas by and debate the meaning of life. I don't believe that im super smart or anything, I've had too many instances of me saying the dumbest possible thing for me to believe my intelligence is anything beyond average.
The “soup or salad/super salad” thing people did on Tictok, I really did that. After my Mom told my siblings and I the name of the town we were driving through “Wahnapitae” , I asked “what's a pitae?” thinking she was offering me one. Even as an adult I was working at a clinic and dealing with an incredibly vulgar pompous woman who had said something along the lines of “that explains the colour of your hair”, and it wasn't until I looked in the mirror and remembered I had just recently changed my hair colour to blonde that it clicked in that she was insulting me. I'm not a dumb person by any means, I just have my moments. I don't know how I got so off track with my story..
So he had filled for court once, we agreed that it was a bad idea that we couldn't do it. He kept the money, I kept the girls and he cancelled the court thing the first time. I got served by some kids, I don't remember exactly when but I could look it up, but it's the only time I was ever served something. The first time he filed for court he sent the paperwork over with his Sister to give me, she just said she didn't know what it was. I brought up to him that we had already been through this, he hired a lawyer this time so I tried explaining things to her. I had been in contact with his Mother and we were making plans to get the girls together when I got blocked by her. All of these messages, I'm happy to show because I wasn’t doing anything sinister- I wanted to get the girls together.
I wanted to show his family the messages I had been receiving from him because I hoped that his family would have stepped in and done something, but he made it so I could get in touch with anyone. I just wanted them to be aware of what I was dealing with so they understood my reasons for keeping the girls away from him. I knew if they just saw the texts that it would help them understand, but he made that impossible. My ex has always done this thing where he'll accuse me of doing exactly what he's doing to me and I just came across a message today of him saying that he had been asking for my Dad's number and trying to get in contact with him. He had all my family's cell phone numbers, he deletes the numbers while he's mad and then expects me to give the numbers again when he's going off about what a slut and a whore I am and I'm not putting that onto my family. My Mom and Sister both still have the messages he sent accusing me of neglecting him for not making him food after the attempted overdose he had neglected to inform me of. In what world.. I can't even finish the question. It's so ridiculous, like I'd actually allow him anywhere near the kids if I thought for one second he might die at any point? I didn't find out he had taken any extra medication till the next day, I would have had him in the hospital getting his stomach pumped THAT NIGHT, that's why he didn't mention the pills till the next morning.
I think from here on I started saving the text messages and I might have written down everything that happened with my ex because he used anything he could against me. We had met up because by that time it started to feel like he wasn't a real person anymore and I needed to see how he could turn a completely rational and calm conversation into the opposite. (I forgot to mention that I had been feeling like I was being watched for months and I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't keep the blinds open, I covered windows I was worried he could look into. I had no reason to worry but I could not shake this feeling. One day my Brother's baby Momma came over and we got to talking for a bit. Within an hour of her leaving my house my ex had messaged her. It could be nothing but it stuck out to me, once my parents parked the trailer in the driveway I felt more covered).
I found what I was looking for, I have the next part of my explanation already written out but I'm going to have to black out addresses and phone numbers and possibly names. I’m mostly just afraid of being sued, so I think because I've already warned my ex that I plan on making our story public if he doesn't leave me alone, that I should be good there. I'm more than willing to share all my conversations with anybody involved in this, I just don't know the rules when it comes to posting the emails between the lawyer and I. I wish I had all my phone calls and interactions with the police.
This whole thing has caused me to hate the police and anything to do with the government being involved in my life. I've wanted nothing more than to move far far away so I wouldn't be on edge every second of the day. Everytime there's a knock at the door, everytime I get a phone call from a private number my heart jumps into my throat and I'm so tired of living like this. I want to have someone I can depend on, I have no interest in being the head of my family.
Yesterday my Sister and her husband dropped off her kids for another sleepover. I LOVE my niece and nephew, so I hate that I feel bitter as soon as I see them walk through the door. It's not their fault that I live here and don't have someone to hang out with. I think it's more because nobody tells me when we'll have the kids. With Mom being in bed most of the time, the kids end up coming downstairs which I really don't mind, but when the kids want to play downstairs where the dogs live, I can't just make it look nice. I can't stand it when the kids get full of dog hair and they insist on crawling down there, so I have to give that entire floor a good wash. The dog pads are gross and smell bad and I won't allow the kids to play next to them while their dirty. I shake out the blankets the dogs sleep on daily but they still need to be washed regularly. Now that my Brother's dog is gone, I don't have to worry about him sniffing out anything and everything that I might have an attachment to. He chewed cords for my brand new plant lights I had just got, he destroyed stuff I bought for making t-shirts and stuff for my Cricuit. He chewed one of my favourite hats, he chewed at least 5 different styles and sizes of baskets, he chewed my son's $400 glasses, he shredded the furniture my parents had down there . He ate his way through 2 gates. I have a lot of things to say about my Brother's dog living with us that I won't go into detail about because this story is already super long. All I will say is that I hope that my Brother has learned from this and won't own another animal until he's living in his own house, not a Co-op. I also hope he can see how much time he wasted playing video games rather than training his dog to be better behaved, especially since he loves the dog so much, you'd think he’d want to give him the best chance at getting adopted first. Buttttt I've come to find out that not a lot of people think like me, so I don't know.
Since I wrote that last paragraph I found out my Brother’s ex girlfriend had posted him on a Facebook group “warning” people of my Brother and how he abandons animals, which simply isn't true. I don't know what happened when I saw that big ass picture of my Brother being blasted, something inside me went Momma Bear and I might have really made that woman think about her actions and opening her mouth. I went in on her so bad that I could watch my family read what I replied and see them react. I used everything I knew about her which is exactly what my ex used to do to me, I don't know know why I felt so bad and wanted to reach out to my Brother’s ex and ask her if she's okay. Why do I feel bad for stating the truth and questioning the purpose of making the post? Why am I so mean about everything? Is it wrong that I expect people to act like adults and put our children and what they might come across first?
Anyways, I think I removed the names. Some of the information is repeated but it's not bad. I was very angry when I started writing my first post, I was writing it almost as stuff was happening. I didn't know who I was writing to but it helped me make sense of things to write down all the dates, please keep in mind that I'm not an angry person, it actually takes a bit for someone to get a reaction from me. I don't want it to be seen as an excuse but I've been different since the break up, I'm still trying to figure out if I’ll ever feel normal again. This whole break up has shaken me to the core, I don't feel like I know anybody like I thought I did and I'm still waiting on the day that someone let's me in on the test or the weird joke.
How is it possible for a man who screamed at me “why are you trying to ruin my life?!” after I told him I hadn’t aborted our youngest daughter, who took my offer of keeping the over $10,000 that we had put into savings so we could buy a house for our family, if he would just walk away and let me raise the girls on my own but then came back once the money was gone and his family began asking questions. How is it possible for a man who goes on insane biblical rants about why he thinks I’m a whore and a pig and how my family is evil, whose called me at 3am after months of no contact asking if we were still meeting the next day because the radio told him to check up on me, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO GET EVERYTHING HE ASKED FOR??? I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I wasn’t invited to the final court date, from the judge’s mouth I was told that the final hearing would take place on September 11, 2023. I did the financial paperwork I could on the courts website, I couldn’t find anywhere to upload my Notice of Assessment but I printed it out and kept it with all my court documents and then I took my kids up to camp to enjoy the summer. I got back in town only to find out that court had taken place already, my ex said I would have been served something but I definitely was not, I ran over to the mailbox but there was nothing, all I’ve seen is this judgement texted over by my ex. Do judges not ask if everyone involved was properly notified before they go ahead and make a judgement with only half the story? I've learned that having the police be included into the court order isn't a normal thing, he went out of his way to make sure it was in there. How could a judge listen to what he was asking for and not even consider that maybe the reason I won't hand over my children is because I have legitimate concerns about exe's's mental health and don't believe this is in the best interest of the girls?
Me You can't just pick them up, they don't know you and won't feel safe if you drive off away from me. Why would you ever do this to your children? We just had a VERY traumatic day yesterday that I and the girls could have used your help but you have no interest in that job. J I was sleeping yesterday when you messaged. J Court is done, court order says I pick them up tomorrow Me How can court be done it was scheduled for the 11th? J I talked to a judge about not traumatising them.. that's why it's just Wednesday's to start J Don't worry I got your back… on everything You need not worry any longer, you can relax
Through my experience with the Sudbury Police I learned it’s best not to bother trying to explain things to them, they have a job to do it’s best just to let them say what they have to and not add to it because it serves no purpose. My ex has called the police on me multiple times now, I don’t believe in calling the police unless it’s a life or death matter, I’ve never called the police on anyone ever, even times that I should have. My ex couldn't understand that I wasn't threatening him, I was making him aware that if he chooses to fight me for the girls I'm going to have to bring up all the shitty things he's done, he called the police accusing me of harassing and extorting him. When the police contacted me the officer's words were "I'd let the lawyers deal with it", the fact that I wasn't allowed to contact him was not made clear, which is why I responded to him when he messaged my Brother's ex literally within the hour of her being over at my house.
Message from my ex to my Brothers baby Momma It's all good, things never got better.. would you be willing to talk to a detective about the things that happened with that post and in the community after I left Sarah? You wouldn't be in trouble or anything.. just give a statement if they find it necessary Brothers Baby Momma to me Does he have a hidden camera at your parents because that was fucking creepy Message from ex to Brother's Baby Momma Jacey! As if you narced on me.. she's not supposed to be messaging me anymore.
So I responded to him with…
Me Nothing happened in the community after I made that post.. you said you liked Moms and I couldn't stand the thought of you putting more innocent children through what our children went through.. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I was trying to save them.. Because when you take you out of the relationship I'm a good person who takes good care of my family.. where with you nobody gets looked after as long as you aren't happy.
Why you choose to involve more and more people into this situation I don't think I'll ever understand.. you just keep digging the hole for yourself and it's making me really scared for your mental health.. like you really thought you were in the right calling the cops on me again when I was literally just texting you things you didn't want to hear yet I have all this proof that you made your own porn and sent explicit photos of me to your family and friends.. you're only doing more damage as you go.. you think this is going to be like the time in court with Ex's Baby Momma but this is a completely different situation and it's not going to go how you think. Us not communicating was a suggestion just so you know.. it's not harassment when all you have to do is hit the block button for it to go away.. I have said it right from the very beginning that I don't want to do this.. I just want to move on with life instead of reliving the bullshit.. putting on a show for complete strangers to talk about amongst themselves and their friends and families.. I never wanted to air out dirty laundry, I just wanted this to be done… you don't think a judge will see how all you do is instigate? You don't ask about the girls or for pictures.. you only ever messaged me to make your demands and then call me as many names as you can before I block you.
Why else would I be unblocked if it wasn't for you just playing games? you don't play games when it comes to children.. Are you honestly not concerned about what would happen if all of a sudden I had to start handing over the girls to you every second weekend? You don't think that could cause mental trauma? You weren't around for anything and any chance you had to take off work, you passed it up! You didn't want to be here changing bums and feeding bottles.
You don't get to do the things you've done and still have unsupervised access to the children we share.. you don't get to steal my medication, and put your hands on me and send my picture and spend all my money then go back on our deal.. you can't just pretend like none of that happened.. it's just facts that you did some incredibly shitty things while you were blaming me for our relationship failing.. I did too.. just nothing as bad as you did.. and I always told you I wasn't doing anything bad.. you always chose to believe that crazy imagination of yours instead of me.
I don't know what he told them but the police officer was already mad at me when he showed up. He claimed that I had already been warned not to contact my ex, which wasn't the case, when I heard "I'd let the lawyers handle it" I took it as a suggestion as you can see, I feel like such an idiot for thinking I knew better than him. I knew there was no way that they read what I had sent my ex. The first one was about how I still manage to miss him sometimes and another asking him to please put the girl's safety above what he feels entitled to. I explained this to the officer, but he shut me down pretty quick. He demanded that I bring out any screenshots and paperwork with regards to the case. I explained that I was hoping to come into the station and make a formal statement while presenting my evidence, but right away he threatened to close the case if I couldn't provide the proof right then. I didn't have everything in one place together, I had all 5 kids in the house behind me and some of the pictures had explicit content which I had already explained, it wasn't the proper circumstances for me to present anything right then standing in my driveway. I couldn't believe that someone could call the police on somebody for harassment, it didn't matter that he could just blocked me "why should he have to?" Were the officers exact words, and I may have responded with "because we're adults" but I'm not sure. By the end of it he had threatened to take me to jail if I contacted my ex again. This is when I let my emotions get the best of me and I slammed the door in his face which is completely unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances, I'm embarrassed I didn't handle it better. Once I calmed down and talked to my Mom and learned that she and my Brother watched the entire interaction on our doorbell camera. I decided to call the police department and explain what had happened. This is a mistake I won't make again, the officer I had on the phone seemed really great until he decided that it wasn't even worth listening to my version of the interaction with the officer at the door even after I was made to wait and listen to what the other officer had reported start to finish. He had flat out lied and said he offered for me to come to the station, he did not. My Mom got him on the phone so she could bitch him out for the way he treated me and lying and he was very apologetic once she told him about the camera, except he never told the other police officer that he lied. I absolutely HATE that the people who are meant to protect me and my children think less of me because my ex likes disturbing my life. He likes it when he can convince somebody new that I'm a horrible person causing him so much pain for all these years, when that isn't what happened at all.

My mom's life has been nothing but a long string of lies, mistakes, horrible choices, and selfishness. She has never done right by me (29F) or my older brother (30m). Between drugs, incarcerations, pathological lies, excuses, and God knows what else, she's hurt us so many times, and we kept giving her chances. But now I'm done.
This past Friday (March 8th), I got a call from the nursing home that my grandma, the woman who raised me and my brother from babies after Mom lost custody, who had survived all manner of illness and injury, was actively dying, and would only have hours to days left to live. So I grabbed my brother and hauled ass over there. I called everyone; my aunts, my uncle, and even my mom, though I hadn't spoken to her in years. I told them all they would have a limited window to come and say goodbye.
My uncle dropped everything and drove 3-4 hours to be there that same day. He hadn't been on great terms with Nana, but he still came. My older aunt and cousin drover for 7 hours straight and got there the next day, after we hadn't seen them for YEARS due to time and distance. My other aunt called off work and came as well. My mom... told me she had 'already mourned Nana a long time ago'. Over Facebook. We all called her over and over for almost two days, and not once did she answer a call. She would wait a while and then text of Facebook chat. And she fed me all kinds of excuses as to why she 'couldn't' come, which I learned from my stepdad's relatives were all bullshit. She had almost TWO DAYS to get there, and she lived less than THIRTY MINUTES away. Even if not for her mother, she wouldn't even come to support her own KIDS, when we were grieving.
Well, around 4 am Sunday morning, Nana passed away. Again, I called everyone. And again, Mom was the only one who didn't answer. She wouldn't respond to calls, texts, or messages. Not a word. I didn't hear from her until TWELVE. HOURS. LATER. When she messaged me on Facebook, not even a CALL, asking if I'll send her some of Nana's ashes after we cremate her. This woman was radio silent while we needed her, REFUSED to be there for her kids, her siblings, or her own mother, and then had the nerve to ask to have a part of Nana anyway! She was the ONLY one who made no effort to be there, and she didn't even have the guts to ask it over the fuckin phone!
She's fucked up so many times before, but this was the straw that broke my back. I couldn't even respond because I was so angry and hurt that I was seeing red, and that was ON TOP of the hurt of losing the woman who had actually raised me, flawed though she might have been. So I blocked my mom's Facebook, and I blocked her phone number because I just couldn't deal with her selfishness.
I'd like to say I feel free and light, like a weight was lifted from my life. But the truth is, I want to unblock her, and I want to call her, and I want to tell her how I really feel. I want to tell her she's hurt us for the last time, and that she doesn't deserve to call herself our mother or Nana's daughter, and that if she ever decides to set foot near me or my brother again, I'll call the cops on her myself. I want to tell her how I've felt about everything she's ever lied to us about. I want to tell her how much it hurt when I realized I would never get to have the mommy I always wanted as a kid. I want to tell her she'll never lay a hand on anything of Nana's belongings, let alone her ashes, unless it's over my dead body. I want to tell her every little thing I've kept bottled up for all these years, because they've been roiling and boiling inside me for so long. But at the same time, I don't know if it would help anything to give her even that much attention after all of this. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated, and I'm not sure what's ever going to make it feel better. I want to be free of this woman and all the pain she's caused, but I don't know where to start.

I broke up with my gf of 5 years at the beginning of 2024, and I was pretty confident about my decision until some of my friends and close family members said the way I did it was "brutal", so I thought I'd ask reddit strangers to quench my doubt, I guess.
To begin, the context is that I've been extremely stressed out with university, I'm a CS student, and I've been spending a lot of money on my girlfriend especially since her birthday was in December. Mid December, I had final exams and after that moved back home. For context, my mom has schizophrenia and my dad has epilepsy, so I've been living with my aunt since I was four. She's 70 years old, and my uncle has Parkinsons, so I understand she has a lot on her plate, but whenever I go home, it is literally such a mess, I cannot stand being in that house anymore.
So when I got home, I feel guilty about this in retrospect, but I told her to her face that the house was too dirty for me and I didn't feel productive, so I asked my girlfriend if I could go to her house. I have a good relationship with her mom, more than my own mother, so she gave me a key to the house, and lets me drive her car. For context on my (now ex) girlfriend, her mom is a single mom and had left the country during finals week, so my ex got stuck taking care of her 14 year old sister. When they both came back home from her dorm on Dec 23rd.
December 24th, we went to my cousins house, and my ex had nicely gotten chocolates for everyone, even though hearing her complain about not having enough money for xmas and having to do everything without her mother being in the country was starting to get irritating. When we got home that night, she got pink eye for the first time in her life and although I understand it was painful, but she was bedridden for like three days and decided to play Minecraft with her sister. For Christmas, she made me a crochet duck with her own hands, which I guess was cute, but I'm a 21 year old man, I don't want stuffed animals anymore. Her gift annoyed me, and I didn't get her anything this year, cause I had spent enough money on her for her birthday.
The issue with the Minecraft is that I had literally told her before I got to her house that I need some space to focus on my school work. Originally, I had told her I couldn't be with her for the holidays, but the state of my aunt's house changed that decision obviously, and I had no choice but to come to my gf's house. But eventually, I felt encouraged to play Minecraft and it felt so icky cause I had been trying to get off videogames and do my homework. I get she was sick, and kinda depressed that her mom wasn't in the country cause they have a very close relationship, but she basically made me wanna play Minecraft and Idk why she couldn't just do something more productive. On top of that, she was kinda mean to her sister during those couple of days, from the 25th to the 27th, like I get it's a 14 year old teenager who doesn't wanna shower of fix her bed, and my gf even told me that I don't have siblings to take care so I shouldn't really be criticising her way of taking care of her sister, but I just wanted everything to be calm it was annoying. She was also kinda snappy when playing Minecraft, and it made me regret even playing it with her in the first place.
The Wednesday the 27th, my ex was the first of us to get up and go shower, so I decided to be productive and start cooking some Spanish meals with guacamole. The 28th and 29th my ex went to work, and i picked her up from work using her mom's car. On the Friday before work, my ex had started crying in the living room cause I guess she's been stressed and didn't wanna go to work, and I was kinda annoyed cause I just wanted to cook and do my hw and didn't wanna have to emotionally support her. I gave her a very awkward hug when she was crying, and asked her if she wants to go grocery shopping with me, cause anyways, I was running out of ingredients. When we got to Trader joe's, I started buying healthy vegetables and stuff, and she bought...corndogs. She said they were for her sister, but all I could think was if I'm being healthy, why can't she just pick up what I'm putting down and follow my example?
When I picked her up after work on Firday the 29th, even though she grateful for me driving, at one point she asked me why I was parking diagonally and too close to the trash cans, and I snapped at her and said "well, you don't know how to drive, so I wouldn't expect you to understand." I get she has her drivers license, but her making fun of my driving was really annoying. She went inside and sat on the couch really silently, and I didn't think much of it. I went downstairs in the basement and started playing Minecraft with strangers in a random Discord server, and she came to check on me still sad. I ignored it, not wanting to ask her why she was sad, but when I went upstairs, I asked her if she wants to go to a xmas party with me at my friends house, and she said she cant cause of work. Then, before I could go upstairs to sleep, she sat me down and asked me if I thought what I had said to her in the car was the wrong thing to say. I said, well it wasn't the right thing to say. I said sorry, but she started crying again and also said how me being in discord with random strangers made her feel like I would rather talk to strangers than her. I said sorry, hoping she'd drop it and went to bed.
The next day, Saturday the 30th, she went to work again, and I went to the party without her, but even though they leave her sister home alone all the time, I was kinda enjoying her sisters company and didn't want her to be home not eating anyways, so I brought my ex's sister with me. At one point, her sister had called her during work, complaining about a bellyache, and my ex called me really angry about how I could bring her 14 year old sister to a party with others adults our age, without her, and without even asking her. I hung up on her, and she called me again an hour later, and calmly explained why that made her really uncomfortable. I didn't really get why, so I just said sorry again and moved on. That night, I tried to stay nice to her because I think I had already come to the conclusion that she just sucked. She was so emotional, and all I wanted was to do my homework and focus on myself, but she was not letting. That night, I made one last attempt to cuddle with her, but she fell asleep pretty quickly.
I don't really remember when I decided to do it, but the next day, Sunday the 31th, we were supposed to go to my aunt's for a new years party but she woke up so late while I had cooked and folded clothes, so around 1:30 PM, I decided enough was enough, and packed up all my stuff while she wasn't looking. I then called her to the door, said "I'm breaking up with you. You've been a big part of my life, but it's time to move on." and then got into the uber behind me and left. I immediately blocked her on everything, but when her mom called me, I sent her a short voice message basically saying that my ex hadn't been fueling my fire or encouraging me to do my homework, and all her negativity really got to me.
January 1st I posted a meme on my Instagram story saying like "no more negativity, we don't hang with negative people", honestly kinda hoping she'd see it. Instagram was the only place I hadn't blocked her on. Luckily, my ex left me alone for like a week until January 7th when her sister called me and asked me if I could come pick some stuff up from her house, and also asked me when I would talk to my ex about what happened, since I went completely radio-silent. I said when I'm ready. But when I messaged my ex on Insta, she told me she'd prefer giving me my stuff back while also having a conversation with me about what happened, so I got mad and blocked her.
The next day, the 8th, my aunt came up to me to say that my ex had called her (that annoying bitch), and my aunt agreed with her that I need to "give the poor girl closure". I got pissed off and eventually called her before kinda yelling at her about everything that happened, and how she was just so negative and we had grown apart and there's nothing more to be said. However, she would keep trying to speak up making excuses for what happened or even trying to explain the psychology behind me being an avoidant attached or some bullshit like that, so I straight up told her she was manipulative and traumatised. Thats when she told me, "if you've made a decision you're already sure about, and me saying anything causes you to doubt your decision, then maybe you didn't make the right decision after all." I got mad af and just hung up on her.
Then, I didn't talk to her for a while. I heard my aunt went to go visit her in the hospital from some pain or something, and I was so pissed off that she was bothering the rest of my family now with her existence. It wasn't until January 16th when I was supposed to move back into my dorm, that her mom had finally come back to the country, and called me. Her mom basically told me very calmly that she understands how I feel, and it would be nice if I could talk calmly to my ex cause the way I had ended things was "brutal"...that's when I kinda snapped and felt really guilty because I really do respect her mom, so I started feeling lots of doubt about my decision.
Eventually, I thought to myself no, I really can't go back on this decision, and sent her a message on Discord basically restating all the same things, I'm sorry, you're a great person, I just need to focus on school, and you were negative, lazy, made fun of my driving, etc. She ignored my message. That's when I got pissed off and called her the next night after giving her a whole day, but she declined my call and said she'd rather talk tomorrow morning. I don't know why, but her ignoring me really made me feel like I'd made the wrong decision. So we called on Friday January 19th and it was the first time I had heard her voice in a while, so the self doubt in my mind for some reason increased exponentially.
I told her that I really couldn't do a relationship right now with school and all that, even though this was really hard for me and I still kinda liked her. I didn't know what it was like to truly miss her, and maybe we should take the next couple of months for school so I can learn to be independent and then reconvene after school ends. She straight up told bold of me to assume she wouldn't move on by then, and defeated, I just said, then I'll have to accept it if you move on.
After that, I was feeling incredibly alone and had no one to talk to, so I started making Youtube diaries where I just vent for 30 minutes on my dorm room floor. On Feb 29th, I made a video titled "Love and Motivation" obviously talking about my relationship, and my ex broke no contact to ask me to take down the video cause she said I have no right to talk about her publicly on my channel that has my "government name" and is subbed by most of our mutual friends from highschool. I didn't even say her name, of course everyone knows I'm talking about her cause she was my only longterm/5 year relationship, and I did kinda imply that she was lazy and behind me in life, but I don't see what the big deal is honestly. I also talked in my video about going to many activities like rock climbing and already having a crush on a girl. My ex says that around the 20 minute, I said quote, "I've been meeting a lot of females and femaliens", and calling girls that in a public Youtube video was mighty bold. I told her my cousin told me to make video diaries if I felt I had no one to talk to, and she said, well if it's for you, then make it unlisted, otherwise the publicity is just seeking external validation. Really don't get what her deal is, but I refused to take it down. My friend had even reached out to me and said the video was strange and kinda sociopathic, but I don't think he meant it, honestly.
Eventually, she asked my aunt to get it taken down, and my aunt eventually harassed me enough until I deleted it on Feb 7th. I thought finally now my ex will leave me alone, but I realised she blocked me on Instagram, so I made my account private in retaliation. I started going out and talking to more girls, and there was this one blonde girl who I really wanted to fuck honestly, so I hung out with my friend who watched the video and another friend, where I told them I broke up with my ex. My second friend was surprised and thought I was moving on too quick, but I said I don't care, and here's my plan to get this girl into my room cause I thought she was really hot. My friend told me that was really creepy, and he said I'm prolly gonna get Title 9 on my ass, but I don't think he was serious about that. I kinda gave up on that girl anyways.
Around Feb 25th, I started getting a crush on an African American girl, however, I was raised as a mixed kid white and black, and my black mother is racist, and grew me up wanted to date other fair skinned races. This has always been my dating pattern, and my ex was also white. Though recently there was this girl who was a green flag, and is romantic and cares for me, though she's black, and my racisism is keeping me from committing, I feel like other people will judge for the fact that I'm dating the same race, and in my eyes seems too easy as we are the same race. Though I see other same race couples, and am conflicted. She's on paper attractive, but I can't bring myself , even though I want to, I guess I just need a second opinion, I know I'm being irrational, but it's this feeling I just shake.
I had become more active on Discord, and when I came back onto my friend's server, she was still in it because of our mutual friends, and she had been posting things like working out and an outfit pic from Valentine's Day where she went on a date, so I decided to respond to her messages saying "300 cashapp" hoping she'd get the hint. Essentially, I was asking her to pay me money on Cashapp cause I was so angry I had spent so much money on her last semester, and I felt like she owed it back to me. Then, I went offline for a week, and when I came back, she was still posting and talking to everyone in there, and even though I eventually blocked her from seeing her messages, I could still click on it and see it and I could never stop the temptation to click on her messages. Eventually, I clicked on one and saw it was a screenshot of her phone screen at 4:44 (she likes angel numbers), and she had a picture of a guys hand as her background. I was so pissed that she was trying to make me jealous, I closed the app for the day.
Eventually, I had unprivated my account on Instagram after realising she had unblocked me a couple weeks ago, but yesterday, March 10th, I noticed I was blocked again, and I'm not quite sure when I snapped but I was so sick of being reminded of her presence that I went to friend on discord and forced him to ban her from the server. Even if they were her friends too, she was literally invading my space and I was mad sick of it.
Other than that, I was also kinda triggered probably cause I've started doing edibles, it's ironic given I used to give my younger sisters shit about smoking weed cause its scientifically proven to be really bad for people with schizophrenia in their genetics, but I no longer care, I'm trying to distract myself with everything. I doubt it'll cause a schizophrenic break or something. However, they haven't really been working on me, so Idk what's up. In terms of girls, I been going out with them as huge groups or friends or solo, on dates, and honestly, why do women eat out so much, always trying new restaurants I’ve never gotten it. It's just the same food marketed differently. I'm honestly starting to think girls are just a huge waste of money lmao.
TLDR: Broke up with ex, but people have been telling me all kinda of differing opinions, some friends criticising me (the ones who know her), and others telling me I should just move on (my friends at school that don't know her), so I been feeling some self doubt? But I still believe I made the right decision, cause she keeps harassing me and doing crazy shit. If she does anything else, I might make an update post lol.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/06/13/the-surreal-case-of-a-cia-hackers-revenge
Note: I'm not going to repost the whole article, just copying and pasting starting from the part I thought was relevant to discussing the child sexual exploitation and other sexual violence perpetrated by the subject, though it's not the author's main focus. The tl;dr for the beginning parts is that a man named Joshua Schulte was working for the CIA's Operations Support Branch as a hacker. He had very combative and aggressive mannerisms, felt a strong need to one-up others and win over others and go overboard with getting justice for perceived slights with no reasonable sense of when to stop, and became angry at his workplace and administration for not siding with him on a bogus complaint. He then felt he needed petty revenge by leaking state secrets over a tiny issue. They suspected him but couldn't prove it. The below text opens to a part where they're searching his apartment for proof he did the leaks; they also stumble across CSEM on his hard drive.
The article seems to be trying to portray "immaturity" or "childishness" as the problem with these types of men. I don't agree, as someone who supports youth liberation as the best and most necessary solution to the problem of child abuse and sexual exploitation, because it unfairly stigmatizes traits associated with or belonging to the most marginalized class in society (similar to misogynists calling abusive men feminine or "not real men," when the actual problem is them adhering to masculinist principles; and more often the abusers are more traditionally normative because that's what enables abuse). IMO there are better ways to call out entitlement, lack of accountability, and lack of restraint that is disproportionately allowed because of privilege other than punching down. Instead I prefer to highlight the role in cishet male privilege, adult privilege, bigotry, abusive entitlement overlapping with other interpersonal behavior and broader political oppressiveness, and institutional issues in producing his sexually abusive behavior.
I also want to clarify that I don't believe it's inherently wrong at all to leak classified government info; I believe in the abolition of the USA as an oppressive, systematically racist entity that enables and protects CSA and misogynistic/patriarchal violence, etc. etc.; this individual had no such lofty ideals, of course. I also support workers being "insubordinate" to their bosses/management in general; this guy was just doing it in a way that also intersected with actually bad traits. I cropped out some parts which I thought were not necessary to read to understand the relevant parts of the story, and parts which I found objectionable.
Also, I'm not sure if this subreddit is solely about CSA and about people who are GNC- or transphobic in a hypocritical way, since I've also seen some posts about cisgender perpetrators of CSA in general without knowing their ideology. I'm not sure if misogynistic sexual violence against adults is also relevant here. I don't know Schulte's own exact views about drag queens or queetrans people, but he's portrayed as a rightwinger, misogynist, neo-Nazi/antisemitic harasser, and USA patriot and sometimes government surveillance/anti-individual-privacy supporter who wanted to "fight terrorists"; the article says that "He was a devotee of Ayn Rand, and came to believe that, as he put it, 'there is nothing evil about rational selfishness,'" so I think it can be reasonably expected that he also holds the usual other rightwing libertarian culture-war views such as thinking drag queen = groomer, etc.
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[…]
The investigators had a warrant to search Schulte's apartment, so they all went together to his building, on Thirty-ninth Street. It was full of computer equipment. When F.B.I. agents obtained a warrant for Schulte's search history from Google, they discovered that, starting in August, 2016—when he was preparing to leave the C.I.A.—he had conducted thirty-nine searches related to WikiLeaks. In the hours after WikiLeaks posted Vault 7, he searched for "F.B.I.," and read articles with such titles as "F.B.I. Joins C.I.A. in Hunt for Leaker." For a guy who was a supposed expert in information warfare, Schulte seemed shockingly sloppy when it came to his own operational security. Even so, the F.B.I. hadn't found a smoking gun. It had amassed circumstantial evidence tying Schulte to the Vault 7 leak, but it hadn't found any record of him transmitting data to WikiLeaks—or, indeed, any proof that the secret files had ever been in his possession.
Schulte was not under arrest, so he got a room at a hotel while the search of his apartment continued. The F.B.I. seized his computer hardware, for forensic analysis. When computer scientists at the Bureau examined Schulte's desktop, they discovered a "virtual machine"—an entire operating system nested within the computer's standard operating system. The virtual machine was locked with strong encryption, meaning that, unless they could break the code or get the key from Schulte—both of which seemed unlikely—they couldn't access it. But they also had Schulte's cell phone, and when they checked it they discovered another startling lapse in operational security: he had stored a bunch of passwords on his phone.
One of the passwords let the investigators bypass the encryption on the virtual machine. Inside, they found a home directory—also encrypted. They consulted Schulte's phone again, and, sure enough, another stored password unlocked the directory. Next, they found an encrypted digital lockbox—a third line of defense. But, using encryption software and the same password that had unlocked the virtual machine, they managed to access the contents. Inside was a series of folders. When the investigators opened them, they found an enormous trove of child pornography.
When the news broke that Schulte was a suspect in the Vault 7 leak, Chrissy Covington, a d.j. and a radio personality in Lubbock who had attended junior high school with him, took to Facebook to express her surprise. "The gravity of his crimes? OMG. Y'all," she wrote, in a group chat with several classmates who had also known Schulte. Covington and Schulte had been friendly; as teen-agers, they chatted on AOL Instant Messenger. She was surprised to learn not only that he might be the leaker but also that the C.I.A. had given him a job in the first place. "How could you hire Josh Schulte?" she said when I spoke to her recently. "007 he's not." Schulte had always struck Covington as an "oddball," but mostly harmless. On Facebook, however, she started to hear from classmates who shared unpleasant memories of Schulte crossing boundaries and making others uncomfortable. Several former classmates recalled to me that Schulte was infamous for drawing swastikas in school, and that, on at least one occasion, he did so on the yearbook of a Jewish student.
Other classmates recalled sexually inappropriate behavior. One woman told me that he had repeatedly exposed his penis to students when they were both in the junior-high band. "He would try and touch people, or get people to touch him—that was a daily occurrence," she said. She loved music, but she was so intent on getting away from Schulte that she asked her parents to let her quit the band. She was too uncomfortable to explain to her parents exactly what had transpired. "It's hard to put it into words," she recalled. "You're twelve. It's just 'Hey, this kid is super gross, and it makes me want to not be part of this school right now.'" Her parents, not grasping the gravity of what had happened, insisted that she remain in the band. "I was traumatized," she told me. I also spoke to a friend of the woman, who remembered her recounting this behavior by Schulte at the time. A third woman told me that Schulte and some of his friends got in trouble at school after trying to stick their hands into her pants while she slept on the bus during a field trip. Schulte, she said, took revenge by sending her an AOL message loaded with a virus, destroying her computer. He boasted about the hack afterward, the woman said.
Schulte's friend Kavi Patel acknowledged that Schulte would "draw swastikas all over the place." He wasn't anti-Semitic, Patel contended; he just relished getting a rise out of people. He recalled Schulte telling him, "I don't really care one way or the other, but it's fun to see the shock on people's faces." Patel was also in the junior-high band. When I asked him if he remembered Schulte exposing himself, he said that he never witnessed it, but had heard about it happening "two or three times." According to Patel, Schulte seemed to confirm it to him on one occasion: "I was, like, 'Dude, did you do this?' And he was, like, 'Heh, heh.'" Patel added, "It's not something that's out of his character. At all." (Presented with these allegations, several attorneys who have represented Schulte had no comment. Deanna recalled learning that Joshua had drawn a swastika in his notes for a lesson on the Second World War, but she and Roger said that they were not aware of other incidents involving swastikas or the junior-high band. They dispute the classmate's recollection of the incident on the school bus.)
When Schulte was in college, he argued on his blog that pornography is a form of free expression which "is not degrading to women" and "does not incite violence." He went on, "Porn stars obviously enjoy what they do, and they make quite a bit of money off it." Of course, some women are coerced into pornography, and if you mistake the simulated enjoyment in a porn performance for the real thing then you don't understand much about the industry. But more to the point: child pornography is not free expression; it's a crime. After Schulte realized that the illicit archive had been discovered, he claimed that the collection—more than ten thousand images and videos—didn't belong to him. In college, he had maintained a server on which friends and acquaintances could store whatever they wanted. Unbeknownst to him, he contended, people had used the server to hide contraband. He "had so many people accessing it he didn't care what people put on it," Roger Schulte told the Times.
But, according to the F.B.I., as agents gathered more evidence they unearthed chat logs in which Schulte conversed about child pornography with fellow-enthusiasts. "Where does one get kiddie porn anyways?" Schulte asked, in a 2009 exchange. This was another instance in which Schulte seemed recklessly disinclined to cover his tracks. His Google search history revealed numerous queries about images of underage sex. In the chat logs, people seeking or discussing child pornography tended to use pseudonyms. One person Schulte interacted with went by "hbp." Another went by "Sturm." Josh's username was "Josh." At one point, he volunteered to grant his new friends access to the child-porn archive on his server. He had titled it /home/josh/http/porn. Sturm, taken aback, warned Schulte to "rename these things for god's sake."
When F.B.I. investigators searched Schulte's phone, they found something especially alarming: a photograph that looked as though it had been taken inside the house in Sterling, Virginia, where he had lived while working for the C.I.A. The photograph was of a woman who looked like she was passed out on the bathroom floor. Her underwear appeared to have been removed and the hand of an unseen person was touching her genitals. State investigators in Loudoun County subsequently identified the woman and interviewed her. She has not been publicly named, but she told them that she had been Schulte's roommate and had passed out one night, with no memory of what had happened. The encounter in the photograph was not consensual, she assured them. According to subsequent legal filings, the investigators concluded, after consulting the victim, that the hand in the photograph belonged to Schulte.
On August 24, 2017, at 5:30 a.m., a dozen armed federal agents hammered on the door of his apartment in Manhattan, startling him awake. Once inside, they bellowed, "Turn around and put your hands behind your back!" According to an account written by Schulte, he was led "like a prized dog" into the federal courthouse in lower Manhattan, where he was cuffed and shackled, then turned over to the U.S. Marshals. At this point, the F.B.I. and federal prosecutors had been investigating Schulte's possible role in the Vault 7 leak for five months, but they still hadn't indicted him. Instead, they now charged him with "receipt, possession, and transportation" of child pornography. Schulte pleaded not guilty. When he heard that the government was pushing to keep him detained pending trial, his stomach dropped. "The crime I am charged with is in fact a non-violent, victimless crime," he objected, displaying an obdurate heedlessness when it comes to how child pornography is made. (In a recent court filing, Schulte asserted that he has been "falsely accused" of acquiring child pornography.)
A judge ultimately ruled that Schulte could be released on bail, on the ground that he posed no immediate threat to society. But his release came with stringent conditions. He would be under house arrest, unable to leave his apartment except for court dates. And he could not access the Internet. Schulte bridled at this, observing, "Today, everything is done online so it's incredibly difficult." Never one to meekly adhere to a directive that he found objectionable, Schulte chose to ignore the condition. In December, the government presented evidence that he had defied court orders by going online, and on several occasions had even logged on to the Internet using Tor—a system that enables users to access Web sites anonymously. Meanwhile, authorities in Virginia charged him with sexual assault, citing as evidence the photograph discovered on his phone. Schulte was taken into custody once again and locked up at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, in Manhattan. He was still there in the summer of 2018, when the government filed a superseding indictment with ten new counts and charged him with leaking Vault 7.
"Ifinally meet my new celly," Schulte wrote, in a prison diary. "He's in for bankruptcy. He's a nice guy who is on medication for a mental illness." Schulte hated confinement ("If you try to shower without purchasing shower shoes then you will almost certainly contract MRSA or some other skin-eating staph bacteria"), but he appears to have found ways to keep his temper under control, having observed that it was necessary to exercise basic diplomacy, given that some members of his new cohort were convicted murderers. He was fascinated by the innovative ways that inmates gamed prison regulations, noticing that many people "claim to be Muslim or Jewish" because doing so entitled them to supposedly better food. And he made some friends on the floor where he was housed, including Omar Amanat, a Wharton-educated financier who was facing charges related to conspiracy to commit securities fraud, and Carlos Luna, a seasoned drug trafficker. Schulte reflected, "I've lost my job, health insurance, friends, my reputation, and an entire year of my life—and this is only the beginning." But he vowed to go down swinging and "bring this 'justice' system crumbling to its knees."
First, he would need a phone. At the prison, he could make calls on pay phones—but they were monitored and did not offer Internet access. Luckily, black-market smartphones were easy to come by: Luna had a sideline in smuggling them into the facility. According to a former inmate who did time at the M.C.C. alongside Schulte, the going rate there for a contraband smartphone was several thousand dollars. Schulte figured out a way to hot-wire a light switch in his cell so that it worked as a cell-phone charger. (The person who knew Schulte during this period praised his innovation, saying, "After that, all M.C.C. phones were charged that way.") Schulte and Amanat, who had also obtained a phone, would meet in the cell of a guy named Chino, and Luna would serve as lookout while the others used their clandestine devices. On an encrypted Samsung phone, Schulte created an anonymous Facebook page called John Galt's Legal Defense Fund and posted some of his prison writings. He set up a Twitter account, @/FreeJasonBourne, and, in a drafts folder, he saved a tweet that said, "The @/Department of Justice arrested the wrong man for Vault 7. I personally know exactly what happened, as do many others. Why are they covering it up?" Schulte also contacted Shane Harris, a journalist at the Washington Post. In messages to Harris, Schulte pretended to be other people—a cousin, or one of his three brothers—and promised to share explosive information. In this sock-puppet guise, he sent Harris what the government alleges was classified information about his case.
Astonishingly, it appears that Schulte may have even made contact with WikiLeaks during this period. In a Twitter post on June 19, 2018, WikiLeaks released seven installments of Schulte's prison writings, billing them as an account in which the "Alleged CIA #Vault7 whistleblower" would finally speak out in "his own words." Schulte seems to have envisaged these essays, which combined diaristic accounts of prison life with a broader critique of the criminal-justice system, as a sort of "Letter from a Birmingham Jail." He titled them "Presumption of Innocence." Perhaps WikiLeaks simply stumbled on the Facebook page where these essays appeared—or perhaps it was in touch with Schulte. If indeed Schulte managed to contact WikiLeaks from prison, he was adopting a curious strategy: it would be pathologically self-sabotaging to counter allegations that he had shared a set of documents with WikiLeaks by sharing another set of documents with WikiLeaks.
In one of these jailhouse meditations, Schulte wrote that, in prison, it is prudent not to discuss your case with anyone, because "people are vultures and will do anything to help their own situation"—including barter your information for a better deal. "Any scenario that encourages disloyalty, dissention, and 'snitching' is a powerful psychological tool," he warned. But Schulte may not have appreciated quite how true this was, because at a certain point his trusty lookout, Carlos Luna, informed prison authorities that Schulte had a cell phone.
When this news reached the F.B.I., officials panicked: if Schulte could surreptitiously make calls and access the Internet, there was a danger that he was continuing to leak. "There was a great deal of urgency to find the phone," one Bureau official later acknowledged. One day in October, 2018, no fewer than fifty agents descended on the Metropolitan Correctional Center, accompanied by a cell-phone-sniffing dog. After they recovered the device, investigators found that it was encrypted—but also that Schulte, true to form, had written the password down in one of his notebooks. He was placed in solitary confinement.
The criminal trial of Joshua Schulte, which commenced on February 4, 2020, at the federal courthouse in Manhattan, was unlike any other in U.S. history. A decision had been made to postpone the child-pornography indictment and the Virginia sexual-assault charge; both cases could be pursued at a later date. For now, the government focussed on Vault 7, issuing ten charges, ranging from lying to the F.B.I. to illegal transmission of classified information. It had taken federal prosecutors three years to assemble the evidence that they would present in court, in part because of the official secrecy involved and in part because they intended to summon more than a dozen C.I.A. officers to testify, under oath, about Schulte's tenure at the O.S.B. This was a delicate and highly unusual strategy. To speak in public about what happens on the job is to violate one of the signature prohibitions of an agency career. It was an indication of how seriously C.I.A. officials took Schulte's alleged offenses that they were prepared to forgo this traditional reticence for the purposes of a trial.
[…]
One morning in March, 2020, the jurors in the Schulte case entered the courtroom to discover a giant bottle of Purell on a table. The attorneys had been so consumed by the case that they had hardly noticed the pandemic barrelling toward them. Meanwhile, one of the jurors ended up being removed from the case, because, much like Schulte himself, she couldn't stay off the Internet. (The normal prohibition on jurors reading press coverage was particularly acute in this instance, because, if the jury knew that Schulte had also been charged with sexual assault and possession of child pornography, it could prejudice the verdict.) The juror seemed only too happy to be cut loose, telling the Post, "Sitting in that chair for five weeks was like punishment for my ass." After Shroff delivered an emphatic closing argument in the case, she visited the bathroom, where she crossed paths with one of the Stepford Wives. Up to this point, none of these C.I.A. women had uttered a word to her. "Nice job," the woman said, crisply, and walked out
As the jurors began deliberations, they sent out a series of notes with questions that seemed to indicate some genuine confusion about the technical aspects of the government's case. On March 9th, they convicted Schulte of two lesser charges—contempt of court and lying to the F.B.I.—but hung on the eight more serious counts, including those accusing him of transmitting national-security secrets to WikiLeaks. Judge Crotty declared a mistrial.
The prosecution had clearly blundered by getting so mired in technical minutiae, and Shroff had ably defended her client. But it was also tempting to wonder whether in the years since WikiLeaks was established, in 2006, public attitudes toward both the intelligence community and the act of leaking itself might have shifted. Endless revelations concerning warrantless wiretapping, the use of torture, and extrajudicial killing have done little to enhance the prestige or the moral standing of America's defense and intelligence establishment. And many people consider Snowden and Manning, along with Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, to be heroes. Of course, in Schulte's case there did not appear to be any moral imperative driving the leak. If he did it, he wasn't blowing the whistle but seeking payback. And he continued to deny that he did it. Edward Lee Howard, the disgruntled C.I.A. officer who handed secrets to the Soviets, went to his death denying that he had done so. The person who served time with Schulte in the M.C.C. said, "What Josh told me is that he thinks Amol set him up."
The mistrial was a devastating turn for the government, but Schulte's father, who came from Texas with Deanna to attend the proceedings and staunchly believed in his innocence, was disappointed. Roger Schulte, who didn't know what a hung jury was, asked Shroff, "You mean he wasn't acquitted?" The child-pornography and sexual-assault cases have still not been resolved. When I asked Roger and Deanna about those charges, they said that, though they believe in Josh's innocence, they haven't spoken to him about the particulars of either case, or examined the available evidence themselves, so they were not in a position to offer any preview of his defense. But the U.S. government, rather than push forward with these other cases—which might have resulted in an easier conviction—instead announced that it would put Schulte on trial again for Vault 7.
Schulte currently resides at the Metropolitan Detention Center, in Brooklyn, where he has been preparing for his new trial. Most observers of the case agree that Schulte is fortunate to have a lawyer like Shroff, but he doesn't necessarily share this view; after the government announced that it would retry him, he dismissed her and opted to represent himself. Shroff has stayed on, however, as standby counsel. "I've been with Mr. Schulte for five years," she said. "We went through a pandemic together, we went through a trial together—most marriages don't survive this kind of trauma." Shroff told me that she and Schulte spend hours on end in the SCIF, where he is formulating his new defense, along with another lawyer, Deborah Colson, and a paralegal. For security reasons, they can't take garbage out of the room, so trash accumulates among the boxes of highly classified documents. The lawyers used to bring Schulte snacks (gummy bears, Dr Pepper) before the Marshals banned food in the SCIF. "He's such a persnickety eater," Shroff said, with affectionate exasperation. "If I go to Chipotle, it has to be white rice and only black beans." In prison, Schulte has grown an impressive beard.
[…]

Typing the above literally is hammering in how insane this is but I wanted other perspectives on this anyways. Firstly, I have had an iPhone for the past ~11 years. Recently I switched careers that semi-required I build an online portfolio (I am a hairstylist and posting photos on Instagram is a great way to build clientele) of my work. The camera quality on my iPhone was terrible. I have friends that have Androids, specifically Google Pixels, and I have always been envious of the quality of their photos. As my iPhone was on its last legs, and I was due for an upgrade, I decided what the hell, let's make the switch. Also change is fun and exciting.
Now, I was in a group chat with three of my friends, Leo (M, 28), Mark (M, 29), and Jared (M, 32). Jared and I became friends years ago when he lived in my city, and he introduced me to Mark. The three of us became friends, sort of a trio. I met Leo when I moved into my current apartment a couple years ago, he was a neighbor, and we immediately hit it off. Right after COVID Jared moved to the east coast (USA) with his boyfriend, and last year Leo moved out west. Mark still lives in my city. Leo met and is friends with Mark, they met when the three of us were all living in the same city, Leo and Jared met when Leo and I visited and stayed with Jared last year and they made friends, albeit mostly virtually due to never having lived in the same city at the same time. For context, all four of us are gay men and our group chat is heavily centered on pop culture, internet humor etc. The group chat is fairly active on a daily basis and it's a lot of fun!
That's why this has been so bizarre. A couple days ago I told them I was getting a new phone and then announced that I was getting an Android. Now, I knew this would be annoying as the group chat would now feature green texts, an inability to heart/thumbs up/laugh react to messages, and another inability to facetime. 1) the internet is vast technology abounds- there are several other platforms. Mainly we could've had a group chat on Instagram, Twitter, etc. 2) I can admit I relished a little bit in fucking up the vibe of the group chat. This is a group where we like to annoy each other. We would all admit that.
But lord almighty did they get their knickers in a goddamn twist Jesus h Christ. Mark especially sent paragraphs of texts about how annoying android users are, how he mutes any and all group chats that have a single android user, and that I was killing the group chat. Jared and Leo concurred with this. I explained I had already ordered/purchased the phone and that this was happening, and I explained my reasoning ie that it was business related. They did not budge.
Yesterday I get the phone- radio silence from all three. Save to say that I killed the group chat. I don't pay much attention to it because I'm busy exploring my new phone etc. Also, the sense that they were being overly dramatic was overpowering. Cut to today, I'm still getting the silent treatment. I tried making a group chat on Twitter, they all leave. I text them individually, nothing. Finally Mark calls me, laughing, and says they have a group chat with just them, and Jared even went so far as to block my number. I laughed along with him and was basically like, "haha okay well tell him he has 5 mins to unblock me haha"; playing it off.
But the more I thought about it the more hurt and pissed off I got. Like seriously? It's a fucking software format change. Big deal? Like oh my god grow up?? I've been made to feel very expendable in this friend group, and I'm not entirely sure I want to be friends with people that would do this. Like I'm sure this is a bit, but I feel it's gone too far? To be iced out completely? Because I don't have an iPhone? Because it's 3v1 my instinct is to feel that I am in the wrong, but my perception is that they have picked an incredibly benign hill to die on and at the expense of my feelings.
Added context: I can't think of anything I could've done or said to angehurt any of them to serve as a real reason for this treatment; and that getting an android is just a convenient vessel for them to drop me as a friend. Also, my mom (lol yes I cried to my mom about it and she does know all of them personally) floated the idea that maybe they're doing this as a setup to surprise me for my birthday this weekend, as in Leo and Jared, who live out of town would visit/surprise me. Wishful thinking most likely.
Anyways I just wanted to float this out there, get some unbiased and objective POVs on this. Even as a lifelong iPhone user I can't fathom reacting like this? It's so over the top to me? But maybe I'm desensitized to green text bubbles because I have several close friends with Androids. Thanks!

Like 20 minutes ago as of posting this, I finished the "End of the Line" mission in SA and I have to say there are gonna be spoilers up ahead so warning, although everyone here probably already knows.
For context, this was my very first GTA game and Rockstar game, and I gotta say it was VERY VERY immersive. I genuinely felt connected to these characters, almost like real people. I always liked Sweet, Cesar, Kendl, Woozie, and I always hated Catalina and Ryder. But in a human kind of way, as if they were real. Although the sad part is that Big Smoke's betrayal and whole Crack Fortress thing did get spoiled to me on Youtube which made me kinda mad and disappointed.
I liked most of the missions and gameplay, although there were some tedious ones like the stupid "Learn to Fly" and "Freefall" missions which SUCKED, but I suppose it was necessary. I played the Definitive Edition, which I know is controversial, but since I never played the original anyway it didn't affect anything.
I think Tenpenny and Pulaski were AMAZING antagonists and I liked how in the story we ended the same way and with the same people we started with. Big Smoke and Los Santos. The story was great tho, although sometimes it felt pointless what I was doing like why am I helping The Truth get a jetpack from Area 69 when my brother is in a PRISON HOSPITAL??
And the map was excellent too. My favorite city by far was Las Venturas, because of how chill and colorful it is. Very vibrant fun, and creative, and lots of activities to do too. I also liked that you get 4 starts when you leave Los Santos in the beginning and the roads only unblock when you progress through the game.
Gang wars are also really fun, I avoided them at first because they seemed tedious but when I HAD to do them for the last mission I realized they are really fun.
And the radio in this game is FUNNY as hell, also in places like Ammu-Nation the things they say are hilarious. I don't know if it's like that for other GTA games but this radio was really funny. I liked that after helping OG Loc and giving him Madd Dogg's rhyme book he appears on the talk radio along with Big Smoke. Also, CJ's rap and the theme song are EXCELLENT.
Overall, I LOVED San Andreas, and while I'm gonna miss the story missions, there is STILL so much to do, like Kendl said in the end cutscene, this is neverending. I still have to do the quarry missions, the heist with Woozie, Zero's dumb toy plane missions, driving school (which I avoided because I'm terrible at it), and explore the rest of the things I can do.
I give GTA: SA a 10/10.
P.S.: Taking down Big Smoke's Crack Fortress felt like I was taking down Osama Bin Laden lol.

(This was written for my Facebook, for an audience who may not know Green Day like we do)
Green Day has been my all time favorite band since 1994 when I bought Dookie with a gift certificate to Strawberry’s music in New Hampshire from my aunt when I was 11. Then Insomniac came out in 1995 and solidified my love for them. From here, I went backwards in their discography to discover their pre/fame albums of Kerplunk and 1039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours. On the latter album, they covered a band called Operation Ivy. I’ve never heard their music before so I went and got that album, which is considered one of the most influential album of punk/ska, and was the first band of two members of Rancid. I also learned through AOL chat rooms that Mike Dirnt played bass on a Screeching Weasel album, so once again dove into them with albums such as Boogadaboogadaboogada and Kill the Musicians. Needless to say, Green Day has had an overwhelming influence on not only my musical taste, but who I am at my core.
Nimrod came out in 1997 and surprised me with their genre experimentation. From ska, to a couple of the most hardcore punk songs ever written, acoustic ballads, to relaxing instrumentals, it once again solidified my love of them. At this time, their mainstream acceptance was waning, and I would constantly be roasted (in a friendly way) about my love for a fading band.
Warning came out in 2000 and it was probably their least popular album. To me, it was pure gold. It laid the groundwork for who Green Day is becoming at their core. I think this album is the closest glimpse as to who Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool really are as musicians.
Then came 2004 with the release of American Idiot, a rock opera concept album with critiques of the Iraq war sprinkled throughout. Green Day initially had an album called Cigarettes and Valentines almost completed, until it was stolen/deleted off their servers and lost forever. So they went back to the studio from scratch and created this masterpiece. Very few bands have been able to rekindle their initial mainstream success to an entirely new generation of fans the way Green Day did with this album. This album allowed me to laugh at all the people who mocked me for loving a “fading band”.
21st Century Breakdown in 2009 was a very under rated successor to American Idiot. It had some very creative songs and styles, and was a great album front to back.
Then came the trilogy of Uno! Dos! and Tre! In 2012. I could not connect with these albums. They seemed very bland and “made for radio”. I was very dissatisfied and didn’t even completely listen to the trilogy.
In 2016, they released Revolution Radio. At this point I had essentially given up on Green Day. I didn’t even really give this one a listen, which is a shame because it might be one of their best albums!
2020 they release Father of All Motherfuckers (sometimes shortened to Father of All…). I listened to their first single, Oh Yeah, and it made me angry at who they have become! I ignored the rest of the album.
And here we are in 2024 with Saviors. They released four singles before the albums release, and it HYPED me for this new era of Green Day. Dilemma might be one of their best songs ever written. It’s about the temporary joy, but chronic tragedy of relapsing an addiction. The rest of the album is not as good as those four singles, but that’s ok, it’s a great album! I’ve been playing it non stop since it came out a week ago. However I started getting a little played out from it. I was also needing a new playlist for my Lyft and Uber rides, but didn’t want the harsher old Green Day forced into my passenger’s ears. So I thought why not make a playlist of the Trilogy forward, and just shuffle it?
This playlist has made me realize how closed minded I was. After a few listens, these albums are just as appealing as any other Green Day album, and now I have six albums of fresh Green Day music to love! I feel like I have found a part of myself that was lost. I can say with confidence, it is my personal opinion that Green Day is the greatest band to ever play music and I cannot wait to see them play with Rancid in August!

i only want her. i thought things would change as time passed or i meet new people but they haven't. i try to open myself up and get outside of my comfort zone but it's all pointless when i don't even like the person that i'm with anyways. what's the point of building a relationship with someone who you see no future with. that's what my ex told me before she broke up with me but that's how i feel about every single person besides her. she feels like the only person i've dated that has been permanent, as it's been years and it's still the thing i think about more than anything else. i think of how good i had it and how i fucked it all up for taking it for granted. i miss you. i'm not going to look at her page for another month. maybe another one after that. but no matter what i do, i will always feel the same way about her. i know we will talk again but the question is when. what will i say. hundreds of messages are drafted in my notes app, someday i'll read them over with her and laugh at how dramatic i was being. i'll think it wasn't such a big deal like how i perceive other trauma in my life. no matter what, i am in it for the long run and i am not giving up. i have been radio silent for well over a year and a half now and i have a feeling she wants to hear from me. she looks at my stories on the rare occasions i post one, she's unblocked me, and even though she's in a relationship i can tell the guy is a pushover and she deserves better. i will get her back. and before you say kill the hope or whatever, i have been exploring the alternative for years. i would rather be single and working on my hobbies instead of wasting my time with someone i don't love. and even if she doesn't love me now all it takes is one chance for me to prove to her all she means to me. that's really what i'm saving for, it's nice to have money in the bank in case shit happens but once she's back in my life i'm ready to settle down. buy a house. take care of her, because that's what i was put on this planet to do. because no matter what i accomplish, nothing compares to the feeling of being with her. and i will stand tall with that conviction, no matter what has happened and will happen. forever

I did it again. I overthought something related to the Fratellis...
So recently I got a free month of Apple Music and I was quite curious to see how much different the services were in terms of UI, I wasn't expecting any difference in what was available. But in the process of adding songs to my account, I saw something that made me stop in my tracks. "We Need Medicine (Deluxe Edition)" this version of the album is something I've been vaguely aware of for a while, and I did mention it in this post under the impression that it was a Japanese exclusive. This version has 2 bonus tracks that are alternative versions of We Need Medicine and Jeannie Nitro. This sent me down a rabbit hole to see what, if any, other discrepancies there are between Apple Music and Spotify's offerings. The following is my best complete list of the songs available on each service.
Note: I did manually type this out, so cut me some slack if there's anything I missed or got wrong.
​
Self-Titled EP & Costello Music:
SPOTIFY

1. Chelsea Dagger (Radio Session Version)
2. Chelsea Dagger (Radio Edit)
3. Creepin Up The Backstairs (Osborne Mix)
4. Henrietta (Single Version)
5. 3 Skinny Girls
6. Henrietta (AOL Session)
7. Henrietta (Live @ The Great Escape)
8. Doginabag (Napster Live Mix)
9. Creepin Up The Backstairs (Napster Live Mix)
10. Vince The Loveable Stoner (Napster Live Mix)
11. Henrietta (Napster Live Mix)
12. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie (Napster Live Mix)
13. Stacie Anne
14. The Gutterati?
15. Whistle For The Choir
16. Nina
17. Whistle For The Choir (Unplugged)
18. Whistle For The Choir (Zane Lowe Session)
19. Baby Fratelli
20. Ooh La Hot Love (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
21. Ole Black ‘n’ Blue Eyes
22. Baby’s Got A Brand New Second Hand Disguise
23. Johnny Come Last
24. Mon Yous, Mon Us, But No Them
25. Ole Black ‘N’ Blue Eyes (Live At Barrowlands)
26. Henrietta
27. Flathead
28. Cuntry Boys & City Girls
29. Chelsea Dagger
30. For The Girl
31. Doginabag
32. Creepin Up The Backstairs
33. Vince The Loveable Stoner
34. Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night
35. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie

APPLE MUSIC

1. Whistle For The Choir (Unplugged)
2. Whistle For The Choir (Zane Lowe Session)
3. Doginabag (Napster Live Mix)
4. Creepin Up The Backstairs (Napster Live Mix)
5. Vince The Loveable Stoner (Napster Live Mix)
6. Henrietta (Napster Live Mix)
7. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie (Napster Live Mix)
8. Henrietta (AOL Session)
9. Henrietta (Live @ The Great Escape
10. Henrietta (Single Version)
11. 3 Skinny Girls
12. Creepin Up The Backstairs (Osborne Mix)
13. Stacie Anne
14. The Gutterati?
15. Chelsea Dagger (Radio Edit)
16. Chelsea Dagger (Radio Session Version)
17. Ole Black ‘N’ Blue Eyes (Live At Barrowlands)
18. Ole Black ‘n’ Blue Eyes
19. Baby’s Got A Brand New Second Hand Disguise
20. Johnny Come Last
21. Mon Yous, Mon Us, But No Them
22. Flathead (Edgy in Brixton)
23. Creepin Up The Backstairs (Edgy in Brixton)
24. Baby Fratelli (Edgy in Brixton)
25. Baby Fratelli
26. Ooh La Hot Love (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
27. Whistle For The Choir
28. Flathead
29. Creepin Up The Backstairs (AOL Session)
30. Chelsea Dagger (AOL Session)
31. For The Girl (AOL Session)
32. Whistle For The Choir (AOL Session)
33. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie (AOL Session)
34. Ole Black ‘N’ Blue Eyes (iTunes Live 2007)
35. Creepin Up The Backstairs (iTunes Live 2007)
36. Vince The Loveable Stoner (iTunes Live 2007)
37. Flathead (iTunes Live 2007)
38. Doginabag (iTunes Live 2007)
39. Henrietta (iTunes Live 2007)
40. Whistle For The Choir (iTunes Live 2007)
41. Chelsea Dagger (iTunes Live 2007)
42. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie (iTunes Live 2007)
43. Henrietta
44. Chelsea Dagger
45. For The Girl
46. Doginabag
47. Creepin Up The Backstairs
48. Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night
49. Got Ma Nuts From A Hippie
50. Cuntry Boys and City Girls

​
Here We Stand
SPOTIFY

1. A Heady Tale (Radio Edit)
2. Lazybones
3. Lonesome Anti-Christmas Blues
4. Look Out Sunshine!
5. Look Out Sunshine! (Live)
6. B Movie Saga
7. Z Movie Saga
8. The Good Life
9. Mistress Mabel (Radio Edit)
10. Mistress Mabel
11. Boy Done Good
12. Ella’s In The Band
13. When All The Lights Go Out
14. My Friend John
15. A Heady Tale
16. Shameless
17. Stragglers Moon
18. Jesus Stole My Baby
19. Baby Doll
20. Tell Me A Lie
21. Acide Jazz Singer
22. Lupe Brown
23. Milk & Money
24. Nobody’s Favourite Actor

APPLE MUSIC

1. Look Outside Sunshine! (London 2008)
2. Ole Black ‘n’ Blue Eyes (London 2008)
3. A Heady Tale (London 2008)
4. Whistle For The Choir (London 2008)
5. Johnny Come Last (London 2008)
6. Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night (London 2008)
7. Baby Doll (London 2008)
8. Milk and Money (London 2008)
9. When All the Lights Go Out (London 2008)
10. Cuntry Boys and City Girls (London 2008)
11. Mistress Mabel (Radio Edit)
12. Mistress Mabel
13. Boy Done Good
14. Ella’s In The Band
15. When All The Lights Go Out
16. Look Out Sunshine!
17. Look Out Sunshine! (Live)
18. B Movie Saga
19. Z Movie Saga
20. The Good Life
21. A Heady Tale (Radio Edit)
22. Lazybones
23. Lonesome Anti-Christmas Blues
24. My Friend John
25. A Heady Tale
26. Shameless
27. Stragglers Moon
28. Jesus Stole My Baby
29. Baby Doll
30. Tell Me A Lie
31. Acid Jazz Singer
32. Lupe Brown
33. Milk & Money
34. Moriarty’s Last Stand
35. Nobody’s Favourite Actor

​
We Need Medicine
SPOTIFY

1. Seven Nights Seven Days
2. She’s Not Gone Yet But She’s Leaving (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
3. Whisky Saga (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
4. Halloween Blues
5. This Old Ghost Town
6. She’s Not Gone Yet But She’s Leaving
7. Shotgun Shoes
8. Whisky Saga
9. This Is Not The End Of The World
10. Jeannie Nitro
11. We Need Medicine
12. Rock n Roll Will Break Your Heart
13. Until She Saves My Soul

APPLE MUSIC

1. Seven Nights Seven Days
2. She’s Not Gone Yet But She’s Leaving (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
3. Whisky Saga (Live from Glasgow Barrowlands)
4. Halloween Blues
5. This Old Ghost Town
6. She’s Not Gone Yet But She’s Leaving
7. Shotgun Shoes
8. Whisky Saga
9. This Is Not The End Of The World
10. Jeannie Nitro
11. We Need Medicine
12. Rock n Roll Will Break Your Heart
13. Until She Saves My Soul
14. We Need Medicine (Alternate Version)
15. Jeannie Nitro (Alternate Version)

​
Eyes Wide, Tongue Tied
They are straight up identical. Apple Music does have the option to stream the non-deluxe version though.
​
In Your Own Sweet Time
Again, identical in terms of track listing. They both have “Let’s Go!” available under singles. Spotify still has the listings from each single released from IYOST available in the singles.
​
Half Drunk Under A Full Moon
Once again, totally the same, and again Spotify still has the single releases available.
​
Extra Stuff
Apple Music does not have the Codeine Velvet Club album available in the UK.
Apple Music also has Aeroplanes available on Psycho Jukebox in the UK.
I am interested if there are similar "discrepancies" in other regions so if you're insane like me and have the ability to check, I, a weirdo on the internet, think it'd be cool if you did.

been in this sub for a while now, doing better from when i first joined. but the repercussions of this breakup seem to be leaning towards the long term end of the spectrum and i don’t know how to deal with it. it sucks because he was my first everything, but besides that he was my best friend. Actually, scratch any romantic part, if we had never dated, and I lost him as a friend, I’d be just as broken if not even more shattered. I think the fact that it became romantic, helps me cope because it makes sense why he wants to let go so much, I just can’t fathom the fact that he forgot about our friendship and what the connection meant to me, us more than anything. I’m so happy for him because he’s finding happiness without me, but I don’t understand why I can’t do the same. Honestly, if he was just a boyfriend, I would’ve moved on so long ago, genuinely, but he was everything to me before he was my love, and then he was my love and still everything, but then he forced me to make him nothing. Just because he started seeing me that way a while back. The trust issues are insane. Honestly, the last time we talked, which is hopefully the last time, he told me that, he had been thinking of letting go since our first break up. That’s almost a year ago from today. And the most recent break up was in September, there were only two so don’t say anything about on and off relationships, but it just made me realize that anything from the first break up to the last break upprobably wasn’t real. that kills me. Honestly, that thought causes me physical heart pain every single day, because between those few months, not only did we rebuild the friendship that we had but we also fell in love again, or at least that’s what it was in my head. I don’t know why people keep their feelings to themselves. Communication is so important and I cannot stress that enough. I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me earlier I would’ve felt so much better. It’s just so hard to trust people. Now I can’t even let my friends in and it’s killing me. I was already someone who didn’t felt seen and him being my friend made me felt seen I feel invisible again I have the same friends. I love them, but they just don’t give me the same feeling of vulnerability and connection that he did. I don’t know if that’s selfish to say because, what if the connection was never a friend connection in the first place? But I know to me he was my best friend and that’s all that matters. I just don’t understand how I’m expected to move on I can feel myself becoming bitter and pessimistic, and I refuse to let him affect me so badly when he changed my life for the better, this is not an experience I want to affect my life in a negative way. I just can’t help but thinking that he was just another person I poured too much love and too, when he never loved me as much as I did in the first place. God, I hope that’s not the case. I’ve been trying to convince myself that, but that’s even more painful than this. Actually, I lied if I were to try to move on with the truth or whatever bullshit he gave me as the truth then I’m expected to move on from someone who loves with me, even though they dated someone a week after we broke up😂😂😂😂😂😂. I don’t know. This whole thing is honestly making me go insane so many of the things he says just doesn’t matter. I was the one who initiated the break up when I never wanted it. It wasn’t even a break up. It was a stupid argument. He hung up on me, and I was mad and I sent him a breakup text, which isn’t fair, but literally two hours before he was telling me he loved me that he wanted to spend his life with me and that everything was fine he was making it seem like everything was fine. After the text i blocked him on ig and his number but left things unblocked thinking he’d try to reach out. idc, i believe the, if they wanted to they would. radio silence for 3 days. i ended up having to reach out to get him to talk to me, meaning he was ok me just ghosting him. I just can’t trust myself anymore. I can’t trust my heart anymore. I feel so pathetic. Towards the end he made me feel so pathetic because he wanted no contact which is valid but when he first told me he just said that we’re not friends and he didn’t want to be friends. Obviously I respected his space and gave him time, But I just kept reaching out and making it worse just cause the absence of his presence in my life was something I couldn’t ignore. I’m happy I felt this love, but I’m so heartbroken that he didn’t feel it with me. I just can’t believe I can have such a connection with someone and just have to walk away from it with nothing left to show for it other than the memories we have in my brain and the love I carry for him in my heart. I can’t believe he could let go of what we had. Sadly, this is probably one-sided considering his actions but I like to think that he’ll never find a friend good as me. But I also no that’s not true because he’s an amazing person who attracts amazing people. I don’t really understand or know what happened towards the end, but I know that fundamentally I did not fall in love with the bad person I guess I just fell in love with the wrong one fuck that hurts to say or write or even think. I guess I can feel myself doing better, but I can’t help but feel like he was everything to me and I was just a heartbreaking experience?

2022 was the best year of my life, until November, especially during May—October. List Of things:
So during the summer to October, I was taken cared of, I hid myself in my room for months during summer and wouldn’t talk to my dad and had major mental health problems during the past 8 months leading up to it, my parents were really worried about me, so they made sure one of them was always home, and they took care of me. This ended in November once my mom. Had gotten a second job and wasnt home as much anymore.
that year, all the pop stars from 2009-2012 era were making music, like Taylor Swift, Rihanna, nicki, Adele, Katy Perry, and so on.
I had 2 best friends: I am 15 now at the time 14, and I had a 12 year old friend, and a 17 year old friend, now 13 and 18 I think. They were not generic at all, very unique and interesting, they were very relatable to me and got me, they were both really funny, and their skill levels at call of duty zombies were on par with mine. Then by august the 12 year old(Faddr, or TSR) found this really shady group (at the time I knew they were shady, I didn’t know they were really shady). And he went on to Play with them, and stopped running the super egg with me and the 17 year old (Remy). during September and October I blocked him even more, cuz it was annoying cuz he only wanted to play what that really shady group wanted to play, and he was changing his personality.
Being a kid, so even during the months leading up to it, I wass playing with Faddr, and this controlling and possessive 12 year old who the latter I had finally blocked for good in June of 2022, he was a gaslighter, a manipulator, a constant petty drama Queen, super controlling, possessive, and condescending, constantly took jokes too far, was full of himself, arrogant, constantly keeping track of our behavior, constantly called us out for being hypocrites, when he was a hypocrite a lot himself. when I would block him he would make faddr block me, and now I’m realizing he was doing it to leverage faddr against me so I would unblock him, and bow down to him. also faddr Said he wasn’t an asshole to him, he Probably was, I saw him be an asshole to faddr a few times, and he was likely being nicer to faddr than me because faddr bowed down to him, although hunter did have control over me to an extent, I was simply really hard to gaslight into his full control. if I bowed down to him he probably would have been nicer, although still be an asshole at times, and try to gaslight me. when I left a match and said I lied and said I disconnected, and I had blocked hunter for a second, then unblocked him, he said something like “bruh did you really block me? I try being nice to you, (i don’t remember what he said next, but I think he said something across the lines of me making it really hard or sum), he Basically was like “Yall should stop selfishly being yourselves and start bowing Down to me for my sake”. Also he didn’t see faddr as a threat and looked at him as a littl kid (hence was condescendin) cuz he was 12 years old. And he didn’t see me as a threat cuz I had told him that I am an Aspie, and I couldnt think clearly at all, and rushed into many things without thinking at all, etc. and was really vulnerable, and was easy to influence, etc. so he took advantage of us. my brother said early on like i think In december of 2021, to not play with hunter cuz he was an assdhole to me, wheen my brother was in the party with us, my brother said he couldn’t tell if he was jokinh or what, and my brother was exactly right. Hunter also said sometimes that it’s hard to tell when I AM joking sometimes, which is one of the biggesst deflections in the history of deflections cuz it was really hard to tell when he was joking, and now looking back I now know he actually was never joking and said he was so he could be as much of an asshole as possible.
(OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, so from 2019–early 2023 I wasnt eating healthy at all, i occasionally ate cereal or dinner my mom would make, but other than that I barley ate healthy, and I ate and still eat a TONN of salt and sugar, now I eat fruits, and drink more water, and have cut down on salt and sugar, and I can think clearly now, when I played with hunter I couldnt think clearly).
. if It wasn’t for the really shady group, he would be like the second worst friend on Xbox that I have ever known for a fact that I have had. However, Faddr and Hunter (the controlling and possessive 12 year old) and to a small extent some of their friends cuz I had played with some of their friends who are also my age Range, and the vast majority of people I’ve played with on Xbox over the years, are or were years older than mee. ive also spent 10s of thousands of hours reading the internet for years So. Last year I got to be a drama Queen, be petty, act my age and mature at the same time, etc. I got to actually be A kid. This entire year, and having the mindset that ?I am 15 now in my head, and also hunter being an asshole last year gaslighting us and constrantly tracking our behavior, being super condescending, and calling us out for being hypocrites, and also me being able to actually think clearly now, I feel a lot of pressure to act mature now, be a perfectionist, think everything through, etc.
​
I had The mindset that I’m a kid in my head last year since I was 14, my social skills therapist I used to have would talk to me a certain way, now I realize it’s cuz she thought I was a lot less competent than I was, and i guess more autistic and not knowing what I’m doing, and she would talk to me in certain ways, and I realize that now, we’ll she partially did it naturally, partially did it cuz she thought I was this way. However, she would always tell me things like “you see how many people it took to make this” or “how much stuff it took to make this”. Etc. it made me appreciate things more, and also since I couldn’t think clearly and rushed into everything etc. I would fall for the way she talked to me, and have a more positive outlook on life, when in reality, she was partially being condescending (she was very nice, to my knowledge, she wasnt a bad person, she just thought I was more Autisdtic and not knowing what I am doing than I was.) however, I had a more positive outlook on life, not feeling the pressure of being mature and having the mindset that I’m a kid, not being able to think clearly and rushing into stuff, falling for the way people would talk to me, and having a more positive outlook on life, and my old speech therapist is gone now, so now I don’t have anyone to give me a positive outlook about life, and my dad also used to give me some of a positive outlook, and positive news, but doesnt much now, so now I dont have a positive Outlook of life, and life just feels really dark green ish.
during September and October, although running the super egg stopped, I had that group , idk at the time it was a really shady group, but I had a group, I was watching cod zombie YouTubers, I had my positive outlook of life, was being a kid, my parents were will taking care of me, I had several new friends, was playing with other shady/really shady groups that I didn’t realize at the time, was more accepting of people due to this one shady person in this shady group telling me “this person is the only person who I know is an asshole, while other people in his group I played with were a bit rude, but I couldn’t think clearly, was Easy to influence, and rushed into things, so I was thinking anyone who isn’t like that isn’t an asshole”, and was more accepting of people. And I also tried to unite Everyone and at the time I was going through a self doubt due to the gaslighting hunter, (and everyone else) did, cuz faddr As well as everyone in the main really shady group I was in did gaslight me to an extent. I tried to come up with ways for everyone else to be valid, and for hunter to be an asshole. And keep in mind that earlier that year I started developing an ego, I had super low confidence due to being in the call of duty community, and started feveloping an ego wheen I dstarted listening to Rihanna. And keep in mind, in many games especially call of duty, if you arent the best, you Suck, thats how people look at it, so my self esteem was super low. I started developing an ego, hunter was hurting it and I didn’t feel like a badass being bossed around by a 12 year old and feeling like a child due to the way he was super condescending and stuff, and feeling invalid, and like everyone else around me was invalid, cuz he would call out other shady people and everytime he was right, and looking back at it now, he was happy about those people being shady cuz then he was able to gaslight mee that way, by being right about that, cuz when our friendship first started for a while no matter how hard he tried I didn’t take him seriously, until he called out thi shady person and was right, then I started Listening to him.
Also, in 2019, I would watch these “Z-House videos that these 5 zombie YouTubers did in the summer of 2016 and 2017, and haven’t done since due to scheduleds and stuff. this one specific video where they had reacted to their old videos, they were paying a lot of attention to each other and stuff, and were energetic and stuff, starting in 2021 I started knowing that people in real life generally aren’t assholes, cuz in real life ur fac to face witn people, and online you can act toughm however, it wasn’t until November of 2022 tag I started realizing people weren’t paying as much attention ass I thought they were. Also people on call of duty I would ask if they knew these certain pop songs or whatever, and most of them didn’t know most of the songs, and also most people on call of duty would constantly praise people for being badass in anyway, so I always felt like if I did this or did that people would give me compliments and a ton of attention and stuff, unfortunately, I realized that everyne has heard many of these songs as they get played on the radio a ton, people Aren’t paying attention to me, and doing this or that really doesn’t make me a badass. People not paying as much attention to me as I thought is a good thing in a way, due to less anxiety, but a bad thing in a way, due to more depression. Although for the past over a month I’ve pretend people are paying more attention to me than they are, not to the extent people on call of duty are, but you know.
Also, from that really shady group, they are APPERANTLY the best players in cod zombies, I say APPERANTLY cuz you have to take everything they say and do with a grain of salt. But they were APPARENTLY the best players in cod zombies, and they played with me, and called me decent, well they We’re APPERANTLY 100x better than me but like, they said I was decent, like I was much better than thee vast majority of ppl. Having the apprantly best players approve of me made me feel better.
​
​
and as of the shady group part and losing my friend. So I still have contact with remy, although remy is waiting to get his Xbox back, and ever since faddr had left us and stopped running the super egg, remy barley touched his Xbox, and didn’t feel like playing on it again cuz it feels weird without faddr. Cuz faddr was sooo funny, fun, and stuff. So faddr went on to this really shady group, cuz he didn’t think highly of me, faddr being a petty drama Queen, knowing stuff and allowed to curse at 12 years old, trying to be cool, following people around, etc. and Wanting to be liked, you could tell unless he was a different person in real life, or behind the scenes, his parents or guardians probably don’t care for him, and he just wanted to bee liked. He only played with people who were decent, or people who were cool. I wasn’t really a cool type at all, and I had super low confidence, hence he didn’t think highly of me at all, he thought highly of remy, but remy is onee person. he found this entire group of really cool people, who were 100x Better than me and they were going to play with him and teach him how to become good, and so he went on to play with them. I don’t think he really knew what hewas doing, and I don’t think his self awareness levels are great. That really shady group, everyone tried gaslighting me a lot, and the leader (Moisty) decided to allegedly leak a rumor about this person being a ped, cuz he quit out of a 6 hour match, blocked him on everything, and I think trashed talked his stream, I dont Doubt he was a really shady person regardless, and ti isn’t who Moisty spreaded the rumor about, it’s the fact that he is willing to spread rumors like that about people to control them and trap people and stuff. He basically said he was waiting on proof to be sent over, and said that he quit out of a 6 hour match, blocked him on everything, i think trashed talked his stream, and at the end of that message he said “yeah, F that dude”. I couldn’t think clearly at the time and didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t want moisty and hiss group to diss me or give me a bad reputation or something, so, I stayed in the group, when I should have just blocked them all. Then in late january, moisty I unadded me, I lied a lot to faddr, hunter, a lot of other people, but I lied a LOT to moisdty and his group and I lied pretty bad. this time I didn’t lie, on Xbox app it showed he unadded me so I unadded him , I got on to Xbox to makes sure he unadded me, he didn’t, and so Ivreadded him, and he would get a notification so I explained myself, and he said that was 110% a lie, but oh well, I am not fun to play with, and have been a Dick to everyone, he said don’t cut others down, especially not those who are your ‘friends’. a few days prior me him and faddr were playing something with his friend who was really bad at x zombiees as hee played multiplayer and stuff, and I was an asshole to him kind of, called him a retard, was being cocky cuz he wasn’t paying attention or didn’t know what to do, Moisty didn’t like it, so a few days later he did that. Keep in mind Moisty and that entire group are toxic af, constantly brag about being better than everyone apperantly, probably give people diss tracks and bad reputations, and is actually willing to spread horrible rumors about people. And they all gaslight peeople a ton. after Moisty unadded me, I blocked him, and blocked everyone else, I didn’t block faddrs second account tho, faddr messaged me on his second account saying I blocked him for no reason, and like 2 or 3 days prior me faddr and remy had played together for the first time in months, and for the last time, and I usd the N word a few times, and faddr said how I used the N word was F’ed up. (Keep in mind that, 2023 april n may of 2023 weren’t good, the rest of 2023 wasn’t great, and November of 2022 to March of 2023 were awfulm my self esteem was extremely poor at this point and I had a really fragile ego, in november i got into Nicki Minajds music more, and started idolizing her to raise my self esteem, horrible idea and I lost my childish personality and positive view of the world doing It, although I probably would have lost it anyway so that’s why I said the n word. Then after that, I blocked and reported faddrs second account, and reported moistys main account. Later 2 accounts, I think Moisty, and one other account messaged me. The other account said that they made a new account to rock up some records (records for cod zombies), they said I messed up big time and they were going to send all their gay love to me or something like that, keep in mind that that group is homophobic and transphobic, almost certainly cuz of the fact that gender discrimination is a means of control for people. And they wanted to control people and stuff. And I sounded gay and stuff and one of the members literally didn’t add me cuz I sounded gay. Then i think moisty messaged me saying you will officially have no friends, I hope you off yourself you pos, he spent 3 messages with K. Y. S, he was trying not to cuss so I didn’t report hisd second account, and he said at the end “cry baby d bag”, this other member messaged me on 2 accounts, or maybe 2 accounts if the other one really is him, cuz again you have to take eveeeything they say with a grain of salt, and he messaged me one letter I think an H on both, likely to remember my username or whatever. they likely dissed me or gave me a bad reputation, however remy said he doesn’t think they gave me a bad reputation , they are trolls. Also Moisty telling me to not cut people down’ and calling me a POs, and a baby dbag are major deflections, and called me a lying POS so he can point out whatever flaws I have And gaslight/ deflect that way. Also one of the other members messaged me saying something like “Moisty had nothing to do with anything (I think cuz it started with faddr messaging me on his second account and pissing me off so that’s why I reported his second account and moisdty) and you reported his main account?” You have issues man, you reported someone that has nothing to do with anything, and earlier I told him about it, and either he didn’t care until the group told him to, or he didn’t pay A lot of attention, and didn’t even care. But he said I have issues which is another deflection. I blocked everyone, although it wasn’t until like a month later that I read thee messages that I think Moisty, and the other account messaged me cuz I was nervous to read them. i blocked them and have everyone blocked now. I now notice that I’m pretty sure every group I was In, they we’re world record groups for cod zombies btw, im pretty sure they were all really shady people, as outside these groups, I could never find anyone to go for records with, everyone in the main really shady group I was in troed gaslighting me a lot, as well as hunter, these different groups tell m econflicting stuff, and these really shady people tell me conflicting things, they also all have discords, and I think they a.l try to gaslight me and talk behind my back on discord, I didn’t have discord tho, but caddr sent me a picture once of this person tryna gaslight mee on discord. And faddr made a video of this person on stream going to my world record account on this website and roasting me. And they all try to hide stuff. I think they’re All gaslit into it, and they are all gaslit into being shit people and stuff. And so on.
​
I want last year back so bad, I just need to find out how to be a kid again, or at least not feel the pressure to be mature since I’m 15, I need to pretend certain things like postivie outlooks on life, i used to have are true. I need to stop being a perfectionist, be a kid, have fun, have a Posituve outlook, etc. also my mom said that’s she is hoping to get a new job soon, though she hasn’t started looking, I’m hoping if she gets a new job she can to take care of me again. I also should find friends my age who can curse and stuff and understand mature stuff, but are childish, and I can be petty and a drama Queen and stuff, and not have to worry about the gaslighting or manipulation on top of it, and I should pretend like people are paying more attention to me then they are. Etc. I miss last year until November so much. November was when I weent from 5 months of happiness and color, to 5 months of miserableness, and darkness. Then April and Mnay were bad, and the rest of the year wasn’t great.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/xenalove87 in AmItheAsshole and updated on MarkNarrations.
This was previously posted here. I added in some comments and responses from OOP, particularly the last one which closes things out.
mood spoilers: OOP comes to her senses

AITA for reporting a co-worker who wanted to set me up with someone then trying to apologize after i became interested? - 10 May, 2022
It’s important to note that I’m (34F) a lesbian who isn’t completely out but I’m not completely in the closet either. I’m “out” when I’m with my close circle of friends. No, I don’t live in a conservative area….it’s just a personal thing and I have my reasons for keeping it this way at the moment.
So I work with a guy (31M). We’ve worked together for roughly 6 months. We aren’t close but I’d say we’re work buddies. We don’t follow each other on any socials but we do chit chat here and there at work about insignificant stuff. Our political views align so that’s mostly what we talk about when we do talk.
Last week we were walking out of the building together at the end of shift and he asked me if I was single. We’d never really asked each other anything that personal before so I was taken a back a bit. I’ve had plenty of men in my life hit on me and usually it’s no big deal to let them know im not interested….but I’ve been single for almost a year now and I’ll admit my relationship status is kind of a sensitive thing at the moment. I told him something along the lines of “sorry but im not interested”. He stopped me and said he wasn’t asking for himself. I was just trying to get to my car and leave work and I felt really annoyed at this point. I told him I wasn’t going to hook up with his friend and I’d appreciate it if he just left me alone.
He stepped back and asked me “what's your problem?” I told him if his friend was anything like him then I really have zero interest. As I walked away he said “no wonder you’re single!”
When I told all this to my roommate/bestie they told me my reaction was extreme and that I was the AH in the scenario. I felt he was out of line and doubled down.
The following day I told our manager what happened and that the whole event made me uncomfortable. The manager had a “coach and counsel” talk with my co-worker. That was yesterday. My co-worker has been radio silent with me ever since. I expected he’d apologize, but nothing. The manager and I are friends outside of work. She knows I'm gay. When I asked her how the talk went she told me I should have heard him out. I was confused and asked what she meant…..turns out he wanted to set me up with his sister. How did he know I was gay? He told our manager it was the Xena warrior princess screen saver on my desktop and his “gay-dar” from growing up with 2 lesbian sisters. She knows this employee somewhat well and gave me his sisters name and said to check her out on instagram…..yeah, she’s a 10. Walks that fine line between butch and femme perfectly and looks very liberal like myself.
Now I feel bad because not only did I miss out on possibly meeting someone but I was beginning to think I was indeed the AH and he just caught me at a bad time. I’ve always had issues interacting with men. The next day I planned on apologizing but he put in a shift change request and got moved to 2nd shift. I have his phone number but I’ve been blocked.
So, reddit. Was I the AH here?
EDIT: I've accepted im a huge AH. The only way i know how to reach him is through work email. I sent him message apologizing and asked if we could talk.
2ND EDIT:Co worker had no interest in talking. I reached out to his sister on Intagram regardless. We've been chatting. I got her digits. She has no idea who i am and says she doesnt talk to her family much about her love life. So im gonna see where it goes and cross that blown up bridge somehow when i get to it. We've been talking non-stop since i hit her up so i think im in!
Thanks reddit!
Some notable comments:
Comment 1
YTA
this wasn’t just some random man asking if you’re single. this was your coworker that you knew and trusted well enough to talk politics at work. even if he was asking you out, i see nothing in your post that indicates he was being disrespectful or out of line whatsoever.
you are clearly extremely sensitive about your sexuality and dating life. from another queer, i get it. it can be very complicated and emotional to live outside of heteronormativity. but you took this private pain out on someone who had been nothing but a friend to you.
this is assholish enough on its own, but the fact that you doubled down on this asshole move and got a manager involved? triple asshole supreme.
no wonder you are single indeed.
edit: because i guess i’m just so irritated by you. another thing is that you don’t seem to actually feel sorry for this guy. you only changed your tune when you realized he had a hot sister. even after your friends told you were an asshole! yikes!
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA and i’m glad you didn’t get a chance with her too.
Comment 2
Not only does she not feel sorry, but she's also still expecting an apology.

I expected he’d apologize, but nothing.

How can a person write all of this and still not understand they're the TA.

yeah, she’s a 10. Walks that fine line between butch and femme perfectly and looks very liberal like myself.

Now I feel bad
Seriously, YTA.
OOP gets ripped into for getting her manager involved:
This is actually pretty disgusting. You almost cost this guy his job because you felt he was inappropriate. But wait his sister his hot so now you want to buy him off so you can get a chance with her.
For someone who want men to respect her you're not showing this woman to much respect here by trying to manipulate her brother to get with her.
OOP tries to defend herself:
He didnt get a formal write up and his job isn't in jeopardy at all.
​
(Update) AITA for reporting a co-worker who wanted to set me up with someone then trying to apologize after i became interested? - May 20, 2022 (ten days later)
Someone DM'd me that my story was on marks channel. I just listened to it. AITA mods wouldnt let me update so figured i'd post it here for you guys. You can see my original post in my my post history.
---
The sister and I started talking quite a bit after I reached out to her. I didn’t tell her who I was. After a few days it became pretty clear I’d fucked up massively. There was genuine chemistry between us. She wanted to meet in person. I was getting the feels. She was getting the feels. I had to come clean. I told her who I was. I told her what had happen between her brother and me. It didn’t go well. She said she needed space. She blocked me.
Maybe she’ll unblock me….maybe she won’t. Her brother did send me a text saying he appreciated me being honest with her despite being pissed I reached out to her. I apologized to him again. I told my manager I was out of line with my coworker and wanted my complaint retracted.
All in all I got what was coming to me. I’m working on being a better person. I honestly don't know how it even got to that point or why i acted so crazy. Hopefully I can make amends with both of them in the future.
Top comment on the update:
All I can say is OP needs to leave the family alone. Very shady to go after the sister behind the brothers back after what she did. Good for sister for blocking her.
OOP responds:
You do know i posted this update lol.
I am leaving them alone and backing off.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.