Upon patwa

What is your worst party story?

2020.12.27 23:39 IChawt What is your worst party story?

I'll start, I(M22, yes this is relevant) didn't have any plans for Christmas so my cousin(F34) invited me to a Christmas 'party' at her friend(F~40)s house. Now this is a place I've been to before but it was fairly recessed into my memory, a story for another time, and I was desperately trying to recall which friend of her's this was. "Bring casual clothes for before the party and a nice shirt for dinner" Okay, I set off and I reach the house before my cousin, there are 4 cars parked, despite my cousin's friend, heretofore referred to as Aunt Jemima, being home alone.
Now this house was of no small size, yet the level of hoarding employed by Aunt Jemima was to an absurdist degree, upon entry to the house you could see three christmas trees, one fake(and worth $1000 apparently) and two real, with one of the real trees being 3 years old and somehow still speckled green. Now despite being advised to dress nice, Aunt Jemima ushered me in while wearing printed tights under a short santa skirt, a red graphic tee and a santa hat with a bottle opener at the end. I was immediately put to work cooking while Jemima set up three different ring light tripods and forced me to go on facebook live, to sate her i simply had my phone recording video that I could later delete. All the while she was yelling, something something "fucked up house but its okay because its not a normal day" and so such and the other. She asked me if I was live like 50 times too. I chose to remain as quite as possible while she narrated everything I did out loud for her 1 viewer on facebook live.
Luckily my cousin arrives, and she asks me if I was okay because she knows Jemima can be intense, my cousin brought her boyfriend(M, ?? years old) whom I could somewhat relate to, little did I know this was the extent of the guest list. None of Jemima's 3 kids wanted to come, none of her other friends, and none of the apparently 50 people she nows around the neighborhood. My flight response activates and remains on for the rest of the night, whenever Jemima wasn't preoccupied with my cousin I'd escape to the backyard to see what her boyfriend was up to on the grill, he was also forced to cook, I was in the kitchen preparing a whole chicken and a chunk of beef, while he was cooking 60% of a pig. As I drove I didn't want to drink, as the one sober one, my cousin and Jemima forced me to usher her to the liqour store to which she is a regular, she bought 200 dollars worth of alcohol, I had to carry all of it because I'm "a young military man who should be able to handle it." about 200 more words were said than that but at this point i couldnt be arsed to percieve every second of Jemima's speech patterns.
I've failed to mention that at any given point of time there were three active sources of music being played, the patio radio, the alexa placed next to the triumvirate of ring lights and the christmas tree with electronic ornaments. So after another hour or so of yelling, linkin park and christmas reggae, Jemima's husband, uhhh, Barbados Slim arrives. A man who is NOT the man she is depicted with in all of the household photography, the man in her photos is her current fiancee but I digress. Immediately things get a magnitude more dicey, he introduces himself to me and the other two guests, when Jemima arrives tailing him, she starts yelling at him for some reason, and she walks up to me and tells me to go up to him and introduce myself as Joseph. Not my name. Her son's name as I'd later learn. I glanced at my cousin, eyeing to her what I should do and she shrugged. So out of fear I did it and Barbados Slim laughs and looks at me and back at his wife "She told you to do that right? A wha' do her"(patwa for "What's wrong with that woman")
I hardly myself understood why Jemima wanted me to do this, she couldnt remember my name, nor my familial relationship to my cousin. one argument later, Jemima yells at Slim "It's for a instagram! Everything's a instagram[sic]" And she forces me to reenter the kitchen and continue her facebook live stream, she dissapears again and the next time i exit the kitchen and Barbados slim is holding his christmas present, purchased by my cousin, in two peices, in the time I was gone Jemima both split the present in half and threw a bunch of shit on the floor. At this point I am now biding my time until I hear the words "You can leave" I laboriously reorient the night into a stealth mission, and as the night comes to a close, I remember that I dropped some of the beef on the floor and I speed out of that place like a bolt of lightning.
​
TL;DR: In one of the weakest uses of my judgement, I accidentally end up stuck in a house with a crazy hoarder twice my age
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2017.12.20 02:27 19djafoij02 Personal naming conventions from [Spaceship Caribe]

Context lore
So what do Caribbaeans name their children? Depends on ethnolinguistic background, class, and generation. Ethnolinguistic background determines the major name sources, class in turn affects which of those are popular (for instance, English names are seen as lower-class in parts of Northern Europe while euphonic "ghetto names" have the same connotation in the US and names taken from brands are seen as trashy in Japan), and there will often be generation names (Jewish-origin names may be popular at one point, followed by names that sound similar to one another).
The following groups have their own general naming conventions:
Muslim Brothers - Higher classes generally use single-word names from the Qur'an or great Islamic leaders, while lower classes tend to include a long string of names; depending on one's second language, European names will also appear, although they are often cyclical. The Arabic penchant for turning any old noun into a name by adding "Abu" in front of it is taken to ridiculous extremes among the working class.
Higher income, old-fashioned: Omar, Laila, Ali, Murad, Hassan
Higher income, trendy: Ibrahim, Irfan, Idris, Iskandar, Irina
Lower income, old-fashioned: Abu Bakr ibn Abu Ibrahim, Abu Hurayrah Mustafa
Lower income, trendy: Eddie Abu Muslim, Khalif, Tony, Maryam Nour
Hindavis - Higher classes generally use English, Dutch, or Hindustani origin names, while Spanish and Italian ones are seen as lower class. God(dess) names are in vogue among all classes.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Vinod, Ashwin, Frank, Isha
Upper income, trendy: Lakshmi, Krishna, Carol, Rosemarie
Lower income, old-fashioned: Lorenzo, Diego, Brenda, Teena
Lower income, trendy: Antonia, Kali, Shakti, Robbie
Patwas - English-language and authentically African names are more prestigious than Mediterranean ones, especially misspelled Mediterranean ones. Celtic names are quite popular.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Kwame, Cudjoe, Bennett, Eleanor
Upper income, trendy: Maeve, Rhea, Siobhan, Tesfaye
Lower income, old-fashioned: Vincente, Andreya, Renee
Lower income, trendy: Shavonne, Gian, Cesca, De'angelo
Charvas - What were once preppy and hippie names brought by American expats are seen now as outdated, and along with "chav" names can be seen as lower-class. Plain and generic names as well as those that work in a variety of languages are increasing in popularity.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Jade, Joyce, Brian, Kevin
Upper income, trendy: Maria, Antony, Simon, Frank
Lower income, old-fashioned: Pixie, Augustus, Fern, Paige
Lower income, trendy: Alesha, Shanelle, Antoine, Aidan
Afros - Names of authentic Spanish, African, or English ("Jhon" is an acceptable transcription of the J-sound in English) origin are prestigious, while strangely German, Latin, and celebrity names are seen as trashy.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Jesus, Raquel, Babatunde
Upper income, trendy: Jhon, Jheorjhe, Andrés, Inés
Lower income, old-fashioned: Johan, Ingrid, Ludwig, Jhon Kennedy
Lower income, trendy: Rex, Brigida, Hansel, Leonhard
Indios - Names from their own language, along with Spanish ones, are generally more prestigious, but French and English names are becoming acceptable thanks to contacts with other Amerindian groups.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Cristina, Diana, María Jose, Pushaina
Upper income, trendy: Anastasia, Wanda, Wayne, Marcel
Lower income, old-fashioned: Shayna, Tiara, Aldo, Kathy
Lower income, trendy: Brenda, Diamond, Wally, Antoinett
Andeos - Double-barreled names are more common among the upper classes, while Basque/Catalan names are distinctly trendy.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Gabriel Maria, Jose Maria, Maria del Carmen
Upper income, trendy: Iker Domingo, Lluis Eduardo, Maria Gabriela
Lower income, old-fashioned: Luis, Virginia, Rodrigo
Lower income, trendy: Iñigo, Iñaki, Marc, Llucia
Centros - Similar to Colombian and Venezuelan, but less Basque and more Anglo-Celtic. The shorter the name, the less cultured in general its holder.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Maria Elena, Juan Antonio, Cristobal
Upper income, trendy: Patrick Anselmo, Carolina Mary, Agnes Florentina
Lower income, old-fashioned: Conrado, Carlos, Diego, Ana
Lower income, trendy: Escarlet, Ewan, Hugh
Tayinos - Lower classes tend to have names that have unusual spellings, are nicknames, or are of Slavic origin. Combined names are quite popular lately.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Carlos, Edgardo, Susana
Upper income, trendy: Juanicolas, Marianna, Christiana
Lower income, old-fashioned: Kenny, Bladimiro, Delviss
Lower income, trendy: Marvinny, Gabbiannie, Oksanna
Samedis - French names, or those rooted in vodou, are upper class. Untranslated Kreyol is popular, though. But don't even try English, Spanish, or - shudder - Italian unless you want to be stereotyped.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Helene, Stephane, Yannick
Upper income, trendy: Ezili, Clement, Klara
Lower income, old-fashioned: Francisco, George, Harold
Lower income, trendy: Kristofer, Karla, Edwardo
Sinae - Traditional Mandarin names are the most popular, along with transliterated English ones. Names with unconventional or confusing/"kool" romanizations (especially using the syllables lü and nü and spelling them with a "v") are frowned upon.
Upper income, old-fashioned: Mei, Wei, Jiemin
Upper income, trendy: Suzi, Wanda, Lisa, Lin
Lower income, old-fashioned: Xixian, Chi'an
Lower income, trendy: Lvsi/Lüsi, Ka'eKarl, Cheyenne/Shayan
These are just examples; individual communities have their own traditions.
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2017.04.12 09:02 scarleteagle World-Builder Wednesday: Shadows of Kingston

I figured it was time to have a WBW in Caribbean League, or rather more specifically, Kingston, Jamaica. Cyberpirates! was a top-notch sourcebook that introduced us in depth to the pirate filled islands of the Greater and Lesser Antilles. I collated lore notes from just about every book I could find that mentioned the League, Jamaica, or Kingston (including the unreleased Shadows of Latin America). I’ll include all the canon lore notes in this top level post and my own fanlore in the comments below. So let’s delve into a city where “chummer” is a person who feeds their friends to sharks, and the criminal game is more about flash and bravado over anonymous professionalism.
Let's see if we can't flesh out the Shadows of Kingston.
"How can you tell the difference between a Seattle Runner and a Carib Pirate? A Runner will hijack you because a Johnson wants the cargo, a Pirate will hijack you because the media crew behind him going, GO!GO!GO!"
Background
Kingston is the capital and largest city of Jamaica, located on the southeastern coast of the island. It faces a natural harbour protected by the Palisadoes, a long sand spit which connects the town of Port Royal and the Norman Manley International Airport to the rest of the island. In the Americas, Kingston is the largest predominantly English-speaking city south of the United States.
The majority of the population of Kingston is of African descent. Large minority ethnic groups include East Indians and Chinese, who came to the country as indentured servants in the late 19th century. There is also a minority of Europeans, mostly descending from immigrants from Germany and Great Britain. Syrians and Lebanese form one of the most influential ethnic groups in not only Kingston, but the entire island.
History
  • Kingston was founded in July 1692 as a place for survivors of the 1692 earthquake that destroyed Port Royal (yes, the Port Royal famous for piracy and debauchery).
  • By 1716 it had become the largest town and the center of trade for Jamaica.
  • In 1872 the capital was moved from Spanish Town to Kingston, after the British took the island from the Spanish.
  • From 1958 – 1962 Jamaica was the largest member state of the short lived West Indies Federation, perhaps a precursor for the later Caribbean League.
  • In 1962 Jamaica leaves the Federation and gains its impendence from the United Kingdom (though still within the Commonwealth).
  • Through the 1960s Kingston (more specifically Trenchtown) became known as the birthplace of reggae and the home of Rastafari ambassador and reggae singer Bob Marley.
  • Through the 1970s Kingston saw a deterioration of economic conditions and an increase in violence.
  • In 2010 Kingston, Jamaica was the first city in the Western Hemisphere to be hit by VITAS, likely due to the Indian immigrants and tourists from New Delhi. While Jamaica and Cuba could foot the bill for medical care the lesser Antilles looked to help from the corps, indebting them to their saviors. One in three Caribbean citizens and tourists fell victim to early strains of the VITAS plague. Tourism dropped off significantly, tanking Caribbean economies.
  • In 2011, by the time the Awakening actually came around, many in the Caribbean did not have access to proper news and a lot of misinformation was passed around. However, to those in the Caribbean, magic didn’t really “come back”, they believed it had always been there, it was just easier to see now (Academic mages have found it inconclusive if anywhere in the Caribbean had higher mana flow in the 5th world than any other area). The Jamaican magical tradition of choice is Obeah and suddenly the rural Obeah Men and Women were able to do a lot more than pass around herbal remedies.
  • The Ghost Dance messed with weather in the Caribbean in a bad way from hurricanes to weeks of flooding and weeks of drought. Sugar cane crops were destroyed further hurting economies. In this damaged economic state, we begin to see raiders and pirates taking to the sea.
  • Goblinization however DID NOT go over well in the Caribbean. Some thought it was contagious, others thought more superstitiously. Some pirate crewes haven’t slept on dry land since goblinization.
  • In the early 2020s Corps were buying up the failing economies. In 2022 Guadalupe Martinez from Cuba proposed the idea of a League to remain separate from the corps.
Kingston 2078
  • Everyone can find a home in Jamaica regardless of race, metatype or affiliation. Just about everything, illicit or otherwise, passes through Jamaica eventually.
  • Most of Kingston has become dangerous aside from the district of New Kingston where the borders are patrolled by the Jamaican Defense Force. It is a poverty stricken city controlled by Jamaican gangs known as posses.
  • Anyone with something to sell or buy goes to Kingston to find out the going rate.
  • Jamaica offers the general beach side fun of the rest of the Crib League, but the real tourist attraction to Kingston is the illicit entertainment and swashbuckling pirates.
  • Jamaica was one of the few islands that accepted people on ties of friendship rather than skin color or metatype (though they still are distrustful of the Awakened).
  • Obeyifas are the practitioners of Obeah (also known as Obeah Men or Obeah Women by the locals). Obeah are less organized than general voudoun and are typically seen to have lower level more general purpose magic. The majority of those who say they are Obeah are mundanes that stick to poisons and herbal recipes. However the magical Obeyifa have an affinity for conjuring and enchanting with extensive use of fetishes. Obeyifah work extensively with nature spirits (known as Duppies in Jamaica).
  • David Lloyd Ford is a Jamaican ork minister who proclaims that life in the Awakening is God’s test of noble souls, so metas should be leading society, not bowing under. Metas from all over the Carib, the CAS, and CalFree have flocked to Jamaica to hear him. Newsfaxes are calling the best chance for international racial peace. He welcomes anyone who will follow his gospel of Fordianism, so they’ve got all kinds is Jamaica, including ghouls, vampires, and anything with the right number of limbs. They’ve been arriving in boatloads, joining the Hell’s Teeth posse that bodyguards Ford. Rumor has it that he pays runners to break human rights victims out of jail and bring them to him for protection.
  • League legislature meets once every six months for two weeks in Havana. It is about 90% socializing and 10% legislation. The event has evolved into a mixture of Mardi Gras and piracy, a massive party where everyone is invited. For pirates and runners it is a great place to pick up leads on new jobs.
Swashbucklers and Bandalus
  • Reputation is everything in the Caribbean Leage, establishing a hierarchy is vital. If you do something, make it flashy, you need your rep in order to survive. Piracy has become so common in the Crib League that the League Dollar is nicknamed the Doubloon.
  • Laws are loose in the Caribbean, vices are cheap. However, get caught messing with tourists and you’ll get busted quick, no amount of smuggling makes up for tourist dollars and you can bet they will lock you up if you mess with that enterprise. Outside of the tourist areas just about everywhere in the Crib League is gang territory.
  • Most Caribbean Pirates don't rely on Mr. Johnsons. Pirates listen to contacts and get info on shipping, smuggling, corporate activity, and what other pirates are doing. They find a job, do it, and look to get paid once they have the cargo on board. Pirates will typically carry a bit more cash on hand than your average runner, they need it for bribing officials to look the other way and to get info from contacts.
  • The Round Square is the Crib League's homegrown Data Haven. It is the place to jack in for any pirate (hah!) material, and a constant source of annoyance for neighboring Aztlan. Many illicit services, like gambling, in the CAS and UCAS route their data through the Round Square to try and avoid detection.
  • Caribbean pirates love to test out the Continentals by throwing slang their way, it's recommended you pick up a dialect linguasoft in New Orleans or Kingston, they'll cost a bit more than average but are a great way to ingratiate yourself with the local criminal scene.
  • Pirates will store cargo underwater or hidden away when under duress. There is a network of informants throughout hospitals and street clinics so that when an injured pirate comes in “vultures” will run off to find where they stashed their cargo.
  • When it comes to smuggling, magic and weapons go through New Orleans while electronics, BTLs, drugs, etc. go through Miami.
  • Pirates don't just smuggle illegal goods, in order to pad their income there are those who will smuggle uncommon commodities like sugar, fresh fruit, coffee beans, etc.
The Major Players
  • De Mon's Black Light Posse: De Mon is a Jamaican Dwarf Pirate King whose fief includes a swathe of Jamaica's highlands, numerous ports, harbor, and fields. The infamous Gingerbread Man (from the trideo show The Cyberpirates of the Caribbean) got his start with this crew. De Mon's Posse is about 200 strong with numerous other workers, growers, and pushers. They are known for the red LEDs they wear on their armor and the UV lights under their guns. De Mon can be distinguished by his vibrant red cybereyes and his sukuyan (Trinidad vampire) girlfriend. He controls about 10% of the piracy in Jamaica and is most likely to be found in Port Royal, though he owns a large Jamaican estate where his posse meets from time to time.
  • Gingerbread Man: The Gingerbread Man was Aztlan's Most Wanted criminal, and the Scourge of the Caribbean, leader of the Caribbean pirates, the Gingerbread Gang. The NBS network based the action trideo show The Cyberpirates of the Caribbean on the Jamaican Pirate's exploits. Late 2074, the Gingerbread Man apparently finally meet his demise in his hands of Kane. Gingersnap, his daughter, took over his position and is now running the pirate King island of Black Diamond.
  • Raj Makhija - Raj was once the infamous Decker known as the Lion of Punjab, renown for his hack-and-snatches on Renraku datatstores. He later became a banker for a large overseas banking company in the Bermudas, before announcing his retirement and started investing in Jamaica. His investments have earned him considerable clout on the island to the point where he is now the Jamaican representative to the Caribbean League.
  • Cut Eye Crewe - The Cut Eye Crewe is currently the most powerful posse in Kingston, led by a man named Bull Locke. They ousted the former Kingston Machine Posse and are sitting tall on a pyramid of violence.
  • David Lloyd Ford - The ork minister who founded Fordianism. For more info see above.
  • Ed Patterson - He is the de facto head honcho of Kingston. He is a former gun runner turned fixer whose network controls about a third of all illicit materials that go through Jamaica. He is richer than most megacorp execs but lives his life through a bottle at his favorite dive bar the Sargasso.
Jamaican Patwah
Jamaican Patois, known locally as Patois (Patwa or Patwah) and called Jamaican Creole by linguists, is the dialect you think of when you think "Jamaican". While you don't need to learn how to talk the twang, there are a few keywords you want to know if you're running in Kingston.
  • Babylon - n. The corrupt establishment (usually the government, police, or megacorps).
  • Bag-O-Wire - n. Mr. Johnson. Connotation denotes someone who you believe will destroy you.
  • Bandalu - n. Shadowrunner. "Bandalu bizness" is shadowrunning.
  • Bredren - n. Slang for anyone who is a friend.
  • Sistren - n. Slang to refer to ladies.
  • Coil - n. Stacks of Money.
  • Duppy - n. Refers to spirits. plural. Duppies.
  • General - n. Someone who knows everyone and can get anything. Usually used for fixers.
  • Obeah Man/Women - n. Though it specifically refers to a particular magical tradition, it is extended to include all Awakened. Same connotation as witch.
  • Obeah - v. To cast a spell.
  • Pickney - n. Child
  • Salt - adj. Broke or low on funds.
  • Tief - n. Thief, adj. To teal
  • Uptown - adj. To be corporate affiliated.
  • Yardie - n. A Jamaican living abroad.
Example phrases...
Patois: A cors mi nuh truss him, him a bag o wire. English: Of course I don’t trust him, he’s a Mr. Johnson (betrayer).
Patois: Mi nah guh, mi si an obeah man call a duppy in deh. English: I’m not going, I saw a magician summon a spirit in there.
Patois: Bredren ya nuh easy, mi a bandulu, mi know what fi do. English: Chummer you're not chill, I'm a runner, I know what to do.
Bits of Inspiration
The maroons were escaped slaves who fled to the interior of the island when the English attacked the former Spanish colony, forming an insular community and fighting two wars to maintain their freedom. Even to this day the maroon communities are treated with respect and allowed the right of self-governance. I imagine it could be fun to talk about orks or trolls who continued this creed and have hidden communities deep in the jungle.
Queen Nanny or Nanny, was a well-known, 18th-century leader of the Jamaican Maroons. Much of what is known about her comes from oral history, as little textual evidence exists. She was born into the Asante people in what is today Ghana, and escaped from slavery after being transported to Jamaica. Historical documents refer to her as the "rebels' old 'obeah' woman" who was rumored to be able to catch a bullet in her palm. Sounds like an adept if I've ever heard one...
Of course sunken in Kingston Harbor is the infamous Port Royal, once the largest and most prosperous city in the Caribbean, it was actually a center of pirate activity. It was struck by an earthquake, tsunami, several hurricanes, and another earthquake. Half the city was claimed by the ocean. If that doesn't spell out magical activity, I don't know what does. And of course there are the lost treasures hidden beneath the waves...
Away from Kingston and across the island in Montego Bay you'll find the Rose Hall Plantation. According to legend the spirit of "Annie Palmer", the White Witch of Rose Hall still haunts the grounds. Her adopted nanny supposedly taught her witchcraft and voodoo. Upon moving to Jamaica from Haiti she supposedly killed hr husband, the two that followed, and many male slaves before being killed herself by a slave named Takoo. It feels like the perfect plot hook for an adventure to me, and having been there twice in real life, the place is actually pretty damn scary. I wouldn't want to be caught dead there at night, the former mistress of the plantation had an affinity for secret passages... and knives.
submitted by scarleteagle to Shadowrun [link] [comments]

2015.03.30 04:17 StarsWanderlust Lardma ruins my little sister's birthday

Hey Reddit, it's jellybean girl back with her second story. I'm thinking of making a series about the events involving my insane relatives that are hams and who live by the fat logic bible. Anywho, this is about my rude and judgmental grandma and her wonderful tidbits of advice bestowed upon me a couple days ago.
Background? Background.
Be me, SW, 120 pounds (formerly 110, this is relevant) and 5'2
DON'T BE Lardma, 5' and 200 plus pounds, I would like to say 235.
Can be Aunty B, she's the best, a ham but doesn't push that ham logic and is trying to lose weight with change in diet and exercise. Lardma lives with her with no type of contribution besides adding to the grocery list.
Mom,also ham, she's....okay. Decent in this story, 5'2 and 230
Basically it was my little sister's belated birthday party. Cue the adults with the cheesy "Oh my God!!! She's growing up so fast!!!" and the cheek pinching and awkward conversations about college etc. Aunty B called a couple days in advance to say she'd make the trip down and would bring some food to contribute.
More background: She is my father's sister, everyone on my father's side is cheap, self entitled and oh so stingy (Learned from Lardma obviously) except for her. This selfishness and cheap behavior is extreme, i mean to the point where I never got a card for my birthday or christmas until this year (I'm 16) because "It's a piece of paper, who needs that?" I mean it's to the point where they never visited me in the hospital the 2 weeks I was there because then they'd miss work and would not get overtime. Explains why my parents got a divorce, my mom was to 'big' a spender, Lardma planted the bug and the rest is history. Despite this Aunty B and mom remain close, but whenever Aunty B comes Lardma trails behind her (hence ruining her marriage as well, but that's another tale) Back to the story....
Aunty B brought a banquet. When I say a banquet I mean a feast for an army. 6 XL pizzas, 4 bags of King's Hawaiian rolls, wings, soda, a kit-kat cake, ice cream, cupcakes, chips, and glorious bean dip. On top of all this, she brings me red velvet brownies. Red. Velvet. Brownies. RED. MOTHERFUCKING. VELVET. BROWNIES. TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS IN ONE.
I'm not going to lie to you, I was planning and eating at least three that night. Before I could even take them Lardma bustles through and snatches them from Aunty B while sneering at me. "You've gotten so fat. You need to skip 5 or 6 meals."
wut.
"My LORD you are as big as a house. How do you expect to get a boy looking like this? I'll take these and give them to your mother, hopefully she won't eat them, Lord knows she can't handle these either."
My mouth is agape, my aunt is shaking her head and I'm hoping no one else heard that. I was, and still am, pretty self conscious about the weight. My doctors said this weight is healthier and I could still afford to gain a couple more pounds. I am still under weight somehow, I have no idea how this is though, but I'm contemplating if I should try and lose the weight, maintain, or gain. The real reason this was such a shock to hear is because I've had an eating disorder that I'm just recently getting over after a relapse. She knows this, my aunt knows this, my parents know this, it's not a secret, though I wish it was. After 8 years of struggling with food, either having too much or not enough, I was finally in a better place.
I wish it ended there. After she took the brownies my aunt told me to forget about it, Lardma was grumpy because my aunt refused to buy her Wendy's after the Sonic on the 2 hour trek. Apparently Lardma had a pretzel, a hotdog, and a slushie on the way down and demanded fries and a burger when she saw there was a deal. "TWO for FIVE Aunty D! How can you pass that up?!?!?! We can both get something for 10 dollars!" because obviously that second burger couldn't be given away, her bellowing stomach demanded nourishment to maintain her rolls.
Over the course of the night we did enjoy our food. IT was a couple of family members and their friends having a good time. The most anyone of them ate was 2 slices of pizza, 2 or 3 wings and some cake. Most just picked at the rolls or cupcakes and sipped soda or water. No, not Lardma. She was on her 3rd soda and 5th slice of pizza when we were going to watch my sister open her presents.
"She can wait can't she? At least until I'm done"
"And when would that be? When the pizza is done?" my mom replied with the bitchiest teehee you could imagine. "I'm teasing Lardie dearest, but this is for your grandchild, remember? Now sit down and watch her open her presents."
Lardma, outraged, inhales her remaining pizza and cupcakes and sits down next to me. I had a cupcake in my hand and a roll on my plate that I'd really just been playing with. I get horrible anxiety around food and even worse anxiety around people, especially strangers. I can't eat around people, it makes me sick and nervous and I get all panicy (spelling?). Lardma didn't make it better. This isn't fatphobic, I swear to God (as a former ham as well) but sometimes when I see hams stuffing their faces with no self control it reminds me of a past self and I can't bring myself to eat. It's just scary and uncomfortable but I didn't want anyone to worry so I took food anyway.
Cue Lardma "Hey SW, pass me that roll, you don't need it."
"Lardma, please, let lil' sis open her presents. C'mon wait five minutes"
"Don't tell me to wait! I need something to counter the starch or my gout will act up."
"Lardma, I don't think that's how it works..."
"What do you know about my condishuuuuns! Nuttin' at'all gyal!" (gotta love that selective jamaican accent)
"Y'know what? Take it" at this point I figured 'no food on the plate no one worries. She wolfed it done and needed moaaaar.
"SW go get me MOAR!" At this point everyone heard this and looked her way.
"Stop it! You're taking attention away from lil' sis."
"That twig can barely open the box. She has no meat on her bones, she needs some food! Go get her some, and me too while you're at it!" At this point I start to ignore her. "FINE! Never mind, you'd probably be too tempted anyway, you've got no self control. If you had any, you wouldn't be so fat."
'Don't do it, control yourself for little sis'
Then, all is well for a while. Lil' sis opens all her gifts and is smiling and laughing looking like the happiest little girl in the world, the guests are smiling and taking pictures, mom is serving up cakes with Aunty B and then I hear it.
Rustle, rustle, rustle Then I smell a hint of ranch dressing and bbq sauce. I look over to see Lardma eating a giant hunk of meat that she gnawed off a rib bone she retrieved from her purse.
Wut.
She devours it in 30 seconds and pulls out a Quik Chek sub and quickly gets to work on that.
Why....
Fast forward to the end of the party, the guests have slowly thinned out and it's just Lardma, Aunty B, and mom. Lil' sis is sleeping and I'm reading some poetry.
"Instead of reading Poe you should be reading a diet book" Lardma says while stuffing her mouth with chips.
"Lardma stop antagonizing my daughter! What is wrong with you!" My mom snatches the chips from her, "Don't you have anything better to do than bully a 16 year old?"
"She's right mum, you've been on her all day and you're in no better health. The doctor said you need to be put on a diet, the seatbelt can't even fit around you with a struggle anymore." adds Aunty B.
Oh no, cue the rant.
"MI CURVES AH TO NICE AN' SEXI FI UNU. YAH FADDA, BLESS IM SOUL, LOVED ME CURVES! THEY ERR' GOOD ENUF FI IM' AN I'M NOT CHANGIN'. I'M HEALTHY!" (for those who aren't that great with patwa that says' my curves are too nice and sexy for you. Your father, bless his soul, loved my curves. They were good enough for him and I'm not changing. I'm healthy)
The funny and ironic thing is that grandpa cheated on her and had another kid who we all found out about 3 years ago when he knocked on Aunty B's door and explained he was her half brother.
So Lardma spews fat logic and how she's healthy but I'm obese blah blah blah. She discusses how I need to diet and I'm fat and no guy will want me blah blah blah, I'm over it, mom is fuming but realizes there's no point in arguing, and Aunty B has given up. When the rant is over she grabs her coat, mutters "Let's go, I'm hungry!" grabs a box of pizza and says she wants to stop by the caribbean place on the way home.
Mom and I then went to go assess the damage. Not only was she responsible for eating 2 of the pies and taking a third but she also ate half the cupcakes and chips, drank half the soda, and ate her arms weight in wings and bread. On top of that she ate 4 of my 10 brownies. I didn't even want them anymore after she contaminated them.
Tl;dr- Lardma ruins my sister's birthday and berates me on my weight constantly as she stuffs her face
submitted by StarsWanderlust to fatpeoplestories [link] [comments]

2015.02.20 20:19 Hitlers_bottom_Jew Live update review of 50 Shades from the perspective of a Pats Fan [Live Update Megathread]

As said I'll be doing a review from the perspective of a Patriots fan. Seeing how Belicheck and the Brady bunch have played into the themes and nuances, the patwa as it were.
Stay tuned for an in depth, completely serious and unbiased review of every teens favorite rape flick, 50Shades of Grey.
Let's watch.
Upon stepping into the theater I was blasted by a wall of pheromones. Perfume cut thick, but not quite so thick as the putrid smell of lee movie road head and the lingering odor of vag on the hands of every man in the theater. I felt as though a quick hand check was in order before the movie should proceed.
The movie starts off with a collage of previews designed to excite and defile the female mind. Bull riding. Scary paranormal sex with zombies; all you can think of and more. Still no mention of the Pats Victory over Seattle. But as it is, we are on to the intro...
"I put a spell on you" is forced into our ears as the whiny voice and untimely bass deflates the balls of every man in the theater. Regulations are being broken, and this time it's post production.
Lips smacking all around me. Bullshit. Get that out of you before you come in.
We're introduced to the main character. A stubby brunette with a forced stutter and a terrible fashion sense. She's a klutz from the get go. It's clear this woman is to be taking the role of Wes Welker in the Movie. The meeting has begun, and her free agency value is being evaluated. According to inside sources, she'll sell out for a low number and has an ability to take balls all the way downfield when told to do so.
Still no mention of the World Champs.
After an interview so awkward it could rival Belicheck's, the character is offered an internship. But declines. The movie, for all intents and purposes, should be over. But the game has just begun. As the Ravens showed us twice, there is no easy game worth winning. It's clear from the casual acting and terrible, cut off and mediocre acting that yes gentleman, I will be in this for the long haul.
So anyway, after turning down a good opportunity with no explanation to return to a crappy job at a local hardware store, the man himself shows up to purchase rope. But of course. The plain plot of a beefed up porno story has been revealed. The only question left is, where are the titties and when can I click the buffer to get past all the bad scripting and get to the dirty? Well. God only knows when that could be, but I doubt he's watching anyway. Not out of moral rectitude but out of sheer boredom in the first five minutes.
We're introduced to the psychopath, Christian. The name play here makes me want to puke up the two 4$ hot dogs I ate waiting for the flick to get going. He's as you'd expect. An asshole. Not much to see here. He plays this bullshit game about telling her to stay away, but let's not be fooled. There's a whole hour and a half of irrelevant parts to deal with before we're through.
If you're just joining us now, up until this point here's been no sex to speak of. Only the vain ploddings of a drinking, partying hardware store clerk. Christian has just called up Anna at midnight. You know, to check on business affairs that haven't even been arranged. I presume. The plot holes are becoming larger the more complex the writer has tried to make this Smut story. All of the sudden the plumber fixing the sink for the sex starved horny wife is looking all the more likely.
The girl awakes in bed next to a nice gesture. Some pills and a glass of water, and of course a home intruder or her kidnapper. After he undressed and slept with her. the Twitter and tumblr warriors probably had a field day with that one. The smell of either sweaty palms or moist britches continues to rape my own senses. I must trudge on though, and take the beatings just as what's her name in the porno is going to.
Okay not much to report on until the first sex scene. Apparently she's a Virginia or something. But then the dude changes that. Pretty good porn scene. Good cinematography although I couldn't see the vag besides some lives. Kinda let down by that. Next sex scene may prove to satisfy more. Haven't heard any dicks being hammed on so looks like my view is shared by the rest of the hormone raging teens in the audience.
Onto the next one. The relationship has progressed to the point of a normal one. The two are agitated and hopeless. I'm about to walk out as it's turning into just another Disney love story.
submitted by Hitlers_bottom_Jew to Patriots [link] [comments]

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