How to make a heart out of symballs

we were long distance (UK). i can go on and on about how much of a great boyfriend he was to me. he was my soulmate,lover, bestfriend and my person. we got along so well, chemistry was great. we overall worked so well together.and we had a very bright and hopeful future. i kept visiting him the UK for months and months at a time and we loved it. he was always a gentle big hearted type of person who knows he wants. i would add more but i only want to discuss the things that are happening currently because honestly im going through physical and emotional pain about this. sorry if im not clear.
my ex he wasn’t being honest and fully truthful about where he was going. without me having to ask he’d text me a head up. it’s a constant thing we always do for 2 years. 2-3 weeks prior to the break up he’d take extra “pit stops” on the way to where he was actually going. i kept it to myself until he said he was riding out with friends. he told me they had no clue where they were going so i basically said whatever let me know when you get to a destination. he says okay.
i though he was still driving around until i noticed that his text would take like 2-3 minutes to send a text. i wanted to check his location on his phone on life360. i dont usually look at his location and sit there waiting ill just randomly click on it because im bored.
so see if his phone to die to remind him that he’s getting low battery or if it was because he was in an area with no service. to my surprise his location was at a nightclub… and it said now(as in current). he was literally texting me while waiting or already in the club for 45 minutes. i was in jaw dropping shock.
never thought id see the day where he’d randomly go somewhere he’d know id be upset if he went without telling me. i freaked out on him(i can’t be mean or angry even if i could) i was super mad he didn’t tell me anything about being there. he kept making excuses instead of apologizing and didn’t even answer my calls to show me where he was at until AFTER he got home. he claims nothing happened he kept arguing and yelling at me back and forth. this being our biggest argument ever. so i muted the convo so i could get a chance to breathe and think before i start being “petty”‘and also crying about it.
while he was silenced he came to me to apologize yet still making excuses. i was telling him my frustration and it meant nothing to him. in simple terms. he officially broke up with me that night.
im the type of person’s that’s very simple say “say im sorry” and you’re forgiven. but if you keep being rude to me and keep talking about it it just sets me off in a way. but he didn’t like the fact i was ignoring him. so he blocks me everywhere i can possibly think of. then unblocked me to say rude messages. and made me feel so shit about myself and. this happened on repeat for days taking drugs, partying, and with women. i had gotten so depressed it landed me in the hospital for 6 days.
he keeps giving me mixed signals then saying “i don’t want you,don’t care about you, long distance isn’t gonna work, we’re over” and much more mean stuff about me.. all while i was in the hospital. imagine being so hurtful to someone who almost lost their life and you have 0 remorse for the pain that they have caused. i have never felt so disrespected in my life. but saying he loves and misses his ex on social media and made it seem like im 100% of the problem.
with his to his friend, they have been hanging out parting and going many many drugs and i’ve been in the most in insane battle for him to speak to me while calling me still constantly calling being very rude. . i had so many panic attacks every 1-2 hours. i begged to be with him for a week straight, wanted to speak to him on the phone. he’s so far gone into his new drug addiction he does not care. he curses at me now and he’s “numb”. he doesn’t care about me or my feelings anymore and im absolutely broken! he is never sober anymore.
i typed this while at the hospital because i passed out. it is probably from stress. also i have not eaten a single meal, snack, candy or nothing without throwing up. (i do not have any ED) i just felt sick. they gave me whatever in an iv today.
im trying to heal and recover from this. but i want him so bad. it’s so bad that someone who once loved so much to just hated and being with other women, just doing drugs, saying and doing things he said he’d never…. i wanna fly to him and tell him everything i wanna say to him and just give him also a piece of mind. i wanna help him snap into reality but he refuses to even be on the phone i think that’s because i had to go to the hospital and he was left “alone” for 6 days.
he kept saying distance is too much but there’s multiple ways. i just needed someone to tell how to do a visa and where to start. i just needed that push from him. i love him so much dearly. this morning he blocked me on everything i don’t know what to do. he didn’t even say goodbye or anything.
i will forever wait for him. and i will continue to fight for him but i needed him to give me reassurance that it would work eventually. my heart hurts so much. and yes. im definitely hard headed but im very passionate and ill never give up(it would take years to)
maybe he just needed time??idk

Hi!
First of all, apologies if this isn't the right place for this, as I'm not necessarily planning to do all 630 miles of the trail at once, but I figured this community could help me in the beginning stages of trying to plan a trip this summer.
First, some background. I studied abroad in England in Spring 2022 and I fell in love with hiking/walking in the country. I even wrote my own self-published travel book about it, which detailed like 20 walks and day hikes that were easily accessible for students with no car. Many of them included sections of the “South West Coast Path”, a 630 total mile trail that runs along the coast of the Southwest peninsula of England. Ever since this experience and after reading Raynor Winn's book "The Salt Path," I can't get the idea of hiking the entire trail or at least a large segment of it out of my head.
Some more background about me is that I'm 22, freshly out of undergrad, and starting law school this August, so I'm trying to plan a super cool graduation trip as a last hurrah before I spend the next 3 years studying my ass off, lol. I love walking/hiking and I'd consider myself pretty physically fit but I'm not super experienced or anything and I've never been backpacking. Anyway considering how tied up I'll be with school and then internships/employment in the near future I CANNOT stop fantasizing about skipping town for like a month or so and hiking this trail. But I need to figure out if this is actually something I could do, or just another crazy idea.
Here's why I like the South West Coast Path idea so much even though it's a lot further than me than other trails like the AT. For one, it's perfect for a beginner: you're never more than like a couple hours walk away from the next town/civilization, the terrain is relatively easy, it's a beautiful trail with neverending vistas since it hugs the coast the whole time, and the climate in England is relatively mild. Like I mentioned I already have experience living in the country and hiking the trail on day trips. To me this seems like a much better and safer experience for a beginner who's never done true backcountry stuff in case something went wrong or I just hated it I could up and leave the trail in a day. Also wouldn't have to worry about packing in a bunch of food or supplies, or keeping them away from bears or other hostile wildlife.
The things that are giving me hesitations though:
Being a young, solo female hiker: Okay this is possibly remediated if I can get my boyfriend (also an avid hiker who's never backpacked, with similar skill level to me) to join. The only issue is I doubt he'd be able to take more than a week or two off work, and in my mind I'm fantasizing about going over there for like 3 weeks to make it worth it and since who knows when I'll have the time for something like this again (re: law school), and I might want to do more of the trip by myself. But then again.... maybe that's a long time for a first backpacking trip? Idk I'm curious on y'all's thoughts on this, being near civilization is a blessing and a curse because there could be more unsavory people you run into and less overnight hikers (the trail is mostly day hikers unlike the AT where there's also a steady stream of long haul/thru hikers). Also I feel like I'd get lonely af without a partner especially at nights.
Cost of the flight: Estimating it would be around $800 round trip if I book now.
Cost of the gear: I'd need to buy a backpacking bag, lightweight sleeping bag and pad, tent for 1-2 people (re: boyfriend), probably new clothes and possibly new boots, and all sorts of accessories I can't even begin to think of. My boyfriend already owns a backpacking stove if that's any help. If anyone could give me an estimate for how much the gear would run (tent/backpack/sleeping bag are the main ones) that would be great. I don't think it would need to be super top of the line since I'm not going to Alaska or somewhere crazy.
Please let me know what your thoughts are! I love this path and it's so close to my heart, Devon and Cornwall are beautiful. I need all the advice though :)

I’ve been working on fixing my curls over the last few years after spending my whole life misguided on how to care for curly hair. I was the only one in my family with curls, and they didn’t know how to care for them either so I always just treated my hair how my family treated theirs. Over the last few years though I realised I actually DO still have curls, I just wasn’t caring for them in the right ways. I got lots of good products, developed some good techniques, and my new hairdresser was super helpful and supportive and gave lots of advice so I’m finally on the right track. I still have bad hair days when I don’t wake up in enough time for work to do my full routine but I manage with some hair styles to make it more manageable. Last week I was having one of those days where my hair wasn’t agreeing so I decided to straighten it for the first time in years. Me and one of my coworkers were working away when he turned to me and went “your hair looks lovely today by the way, it really suits you!” I was really happy for the day because it’s always nice receiving compliments and was buzzing for the whole shift. The next day my hair was still straight and two more coworkers told me how nice my hair looked straightened. I even had a guy ask me out who said I look really cool. I can’t help but feel like this wouldn’t have happened if I looked how I naturally do.
I’m super happy with the compliments and really grateful I have such sweet coworkers around me but now i’m conflicted if my natural curls I’ve been fighting for for the last few years don’t make me look as pretty as I do with straight hair. I know in my heart that it’s probably just because my coworkers have only known me with my curly hair and it was probably just a surprise seeing my hair done differently but I can’t help feeling doubtful about how my hair usually looks now. Anyone else had this experience or feelings after styling their hair different to their normal curls?

Let me just start by saying that I’m writing this to first of all vent but also to gain insight. I’m going to keep this as brief and as vague (in case he’s on Reddit) as possible.
I (INFJ) have a friend of about 2 years. We are very close and it was always sort of obvious to me that he might have had a crush on me. He buys me gifts, makes me food, he shares his food with me, spends free time with me and only me, gets jealous when other men are around, is touchy and occasionally has been flirtatious.
Nothing ever came of this because I was most of the time unavailable. Recently though I noticed a very toxic trait in my otherwise perfect friend that I cannot live with.. he has a temper.
He’s fine when other people complain or are unhappy for legitimate reasons (cuz life happens) but whenever it’s me.. he shuts down and acts completely rude and condescending. He’ll even ignore me the next day. I usually have to be the bigger person (even though I’m the one hurt) and just start talking like nothing has happened.
I can’t do it anymore. My heart is broken and I can’t even have a mature conversation about it because now that he’s the reason I’m unhappy he’ll take it 100x worse. The last time we talked about this he had mentioned how he always tries to make me happy and then it sucks feeling like he failed.. but like come on.. when someone dies in my family of course I’m going to be sad and want to share that with you.. if I’m stressed at work then isn’t it a sign of friendship and closeness that I tell you about it? It’s my way of being intimate
The funny thing is that it’s not like I’m depressed and dramatic.. I’ll be mildly annoyed because something stupid that happened between me and another person and he will interpret that as me being in a bad mood.. he blows it out of proportion. Then he acts like an asshole and now I actually get upset.
I don’t know what to do.. I thought I had feelings but at this point all I want is him out of my life.. I feel awful saying it because he’s such an amazing guy but I can’t take it anymore. We’ve talked about it and it’s usually me apologizing for having feelings and ‘not being considerate’ of his limitations. It sucks not being able to talk about stuff that matters to me for fear that he ‘ll blow up.
Tldr I love my friend as maybe more than a friend but his unexplained inability to handle regular emotions are killing me.

We met on a common friend's (pre-) party, and quickly hit off. I have a special occupation which she said she always wanted to do, but life made her make another choice. We danced a bit, kissed and we exchanged phone numbers, before I left for another party I was initially invited to. This whole interaction lasted around 1 hour or so. I told her and I went away for holidays a few days later and she was texting me sweet things from the start, and calling me things like 'sweetie', 'babe', 'king' etc and using various heart emojis. which almost felt like love bombing.
After I returned from the holidays we met on another friend's party in a pub, we greeted each other, held hands a bit whereafter she asked me to get her a glass of water. I had ordered a beer, I was talking to another friend, so I told her if she don't mind she could do it herself. She then ignored me for the rest of the evening, talking to other people and guys. After about 3 hours into the party, she approached me and explained that she expected gentleman behaviour, and that wasn't it. I said that I was busy, and don't understand why she's making a big deal. She was hinting on having relationship together, she said that she wants to cook me food and we kissed some more where she went away for a birthday party she was invited to. The next day she asked how was my night and used sweet words, and I reciprocated that for the first time and also did call her something sweet. Almost ever since she has been remote/distant and started to take days to reply. I asked her out for a walk/coffee, which took her more than 3 days to reply: maybe babe. I said that I was already going with someone on a walk, she doesn't need to bother. This sparked again some interest in her, where she started to reply quickly. I replied to her story where she replied quickly thanks babe, reacting with hearts etc
I'm confused by this mind game behaviour, I'm usually not the guy that ask out a girl again after being rejected, but can't tell if she lost her interest in me that time or I read her incorrectly. Should I ask her out or just move on?
I know she likes to party, so do I, so asking her out doesn't mean that I consent to her initiated idea of relationship...

Little backstory, I was in a friend group with 7 people I met in College. We’ve all been friends for 5 years now. 2 of the friends graduated May 2023 (and now reside in different states), I graduated December 2023, and the rest are graduating in a few days. I was roommates with 3 of these best friends before I graduated. Close to my graduation day, we start planning a trip to Puerto Rico for Spring Break, which was March of this year. We wanted to savor in our last few moments together before we take on our different paths, and we learned that one of our friends is leaving for Colombia for 2 years, so this was a perfect way for our group to come together again and celebrate our friend’s job offer.
We all came to an agreement to start saving money for this trip, and held zoom meetings for our one friend in FL and the other in PA (since I live about 2 hours away, I would make frequent visits to see the 4 friends still in college). We’re all excited, planning our outfits and making an itinerary. However, one of our friends states that he doesn’t think he’ll have enough money for the trip, and does not think he can go at all because of funds. We simply told him to take on more shifts and try to see if he can at least get money for the tickets in a few weeks.
It’s all going well until January comes, specifically January 19th (my birthday). I receive an individual text from the planner of the group saying “We’ve been looking at flights for days cause the prices are skyrocketing the more we wait. Only thing is we’d have to book it today or we risk losing it.” It’s my birthday, I’m with family, and my #1 concern was not booking a flight at that exact minute and hour… so I don’t respond. An hour after that text was sent, I received a message in the groupchat from our planner saying “Me and 2 other people booked our flights.”
What do you mean the 3 of you booked flights for the trip??? I immediately got upset, and I stated that I was not going on the trip anymore. First of all, our friend who had trouble with funds is not able to book it right now or go in general, and our other friend who is going to Colombia (a major part of why we’re doing this trip in the first place) isn’t able to go as well. Second of all, if we’re planning for this to be a friend group trip, why are we not booking it all together and choosing seats where we can sit next to each other? Or choosing a different location/experience so the 2 who couldn’t go would at least be able to partake in something?
I was personally hurt because I didn’t expect for them to go out of their way and book the flights anyways, without at least waiting for the 3 of us who can go and a definite no from the other 2. I texted my feelings in the groupchat, and told them I thought this was messed up and the whole point of this trip was out the door so there’s basically no reason for me to go anymore. Shortly after that, I get a text from the friend I’m closest to in the group, stating that she wants to buy a ticket and wants me to do it as well. I explain to her that no matter how dramatic I’m being, I hated this booking and basically the start of this “cute trip,” so I’m not going.
My best friend did the unexpected and went ahead and booked a flight to go. And our friend from FL booked hers separately as well. Am I going crazy? Am I too sentimental? Why am I getting so upset about this?
So, the 4 of them went ahead and enjoyed a nice 4 days in Puerto Rico. I no longer speak to any of those people, except for the friend who went to Colombia. The guy who didn’t have the money for it turned against me in the end when we did a big “intervention,” since I distanced myself from everyone for the past few months.
Did I take my stubbornness too far? Should I have just sucked it up and went on the trip? I don’t regret not going, because I’m Puerto Rican and have visited plenty of times. I guess I just hold my friendships to its highest standard and I take things to heart. I’m a sentimental person, and I just wanted this to be a nice group trip that we could all do together.
What’s funny is that at this “intervention” I stated above, two of my friends said some pretty mean stuff to me. I told them how I’ve been upset these past few months and can’t see this as something I can get over, and I removed them off of social media. This led to them getting angry with me about my communication skills, yet I did tell them how I felt about everything as soon as it happened, and I left the groupchat shortly after that. I don’t want to repeat myself twice. If they showed any remorse or sympathy as soon as I communicated, I wouldn’t be making this post right now. I guess they did everything with malice in their hearts.
I don’t want this to eat me up for the rest of my life. I’m great at cutting people off, but these were my best friends. The closest people I have to me. There’s no going back now, so let me know your thoughts and if you think I took it too far. Thanks!

Hey nerds <3
I posted here last month looking for players to run a second group through my world. Unfortunately, some of the folks didn't work out. So we're starting fresh and looking to find some new folks to fill the ranks. My apologies if I didn't get to you last post, there's was a lot of applications and because I got threats and some quite nasty comments, it made it hard to reply to the close to 70 applications that I received.
Our current party consists of 3 lovely queerdos:
River (Me)- DM Jake- Rogue/Gunslinger Devin- SorcereBarbarian
We're looking for 3 or 4 lovely folks to fill out the slots. Please do not apply if you can't commit, we're looking for people who have the consistency, I've had to decline some really cool people only for players to ghost or drop out. So, if you're flaky like pastry, please do not apply.
🌌 Welcome to Papatūānuku:
Join me in a campaign set in the embrace of a lonely goddess, the Earth mother, Papatūānuku. Here, souls of the departed embark on a celestial voyage across Pilgrim's Pass, or Te-Awa-Nui, a river not just of water but of spirits journeying to the mountain pass where the god of souls dwells.
💀 The Soul Siphoners:
In a world where souls are palpable and reincarnation weaves the fabric of existence, a dark threat emerges. The soul siphoners, creations of the Night Mother – a witch who first shattered the natural cycle of life – once augmented their forms with stolen souls. Thought extinct since the first age, their ominous return poses a chilling question: What stirs this ancient menace back to life?
🔮 A Quest of Mystery and Magic:
Is the Night Mother's dark magic reawakening? Are the shadows of the past stretching into the present? Your journey will unravel these mysteries, leading you through a tale of magic, peril, and discovery.
🌙 Uncover the Secrets:
Are you prepared to confront the mysteries of Papatūānuku, challenge the resurgence of ancient evils, and shape a story that will echo through the ages?
🌟 Unique Gameplay Experience:
Immerse yourself in a world enhanced by Gestalt rules (dual classing), a piety score system that will lead you to be the champion to one of the 50+ gods, and stackable DM inspiration, rewarding your courageous adventures in Papatūānuku.
🎲 Customized Characters:
Step into Papa's realm with a character crafted from over 30 unique, homebrew species and a plethora of subclasses. Here, your character’s journey is as unique as the world itself. (Please do not bring pre-made ideas, your application will not be considered if you do)
🎭 Adventure Time!:
Our campaign weaves together threads of whimsy, horror, humour, and mystery. Ideal for players who revel in a mix of high adventure and deep lore, and who bring enthusiasm and theatrical flair to their roleplaying. Include "Lamington" in your application to show that you read my post, not including it will result in your application being ignored..
💃 Commit to the Bit:
I'm looking for players who are dedicated, with consistent attendance and active engagement in and out of game. I really want to make new friends and find people equally as excited to get into this.
If you can't socially hold a conversation this might not be your jam.
🖥️ Technical Essentials:
Sessions are held via Discord and Roll20. A clear microphone and camera are necessary for full participation in this vividly imagined world.
🎥 Animation Plans:
This campaign is set to be animated! Strong, consistent attendance is vital. This campaign is ideal for those who can dedicate around 4 hours a week to an immersive, long-term adventure. As a bonus, expect lots of free art and down the line, an animation to show off to your mates– just be sure to show up!
Keep in mind that because it is being animated I may take artistic liberties and make changes to how your character is portrayed in an animation. This is a big part of why I'd like to find people who can engage.
📅 Scheduling: Sunday 5:00pm PST. Attendance is important, if you can't attend or commit to a weekly game, this isn't the game for you.
🌟 Inclusive and Respectful Environment:
A warm welcome to all! We maintain a positive space free of homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, pro-genocide, and general negativity. Let's create a respectful and fun environment for everyone.
📖 Integrate Lore into Your Character:
I encourage creativity! Each player should incorporate the existing lore of Papatūānuku into their character's backstory. Please avoid bringing pre-made characters; let’s craft something fresh and unique to our world.
🔞 Mature Themes with Sensitivity:
Gear up for a journey exploring mature themes, suitable for adventurers aged 18 and above. Do not apply if you're a minor. Expect substance adventures, heart-pounding gore, intriguing murder mysteries, and deep secrets. Note: Explicit content will be handled with a "fade to black" approach.
🤝 Respectful Teamwork:
Our adventure thrives on cooperation. Please refrain from flooding the game with unsolicited advice. We value each player’s individual contribution and style.
👑 Drag Race Bonus:
If you're a fan of Drag Race, mention your favourite queen at the end of your application for some extra points! If you're a talkative diva who thinks Kate Middleton got lost at the Wonka Experience after her BBL, please apply! We love a loud and proud nibbling mother! :)
I'd lowkey love to make it a Dungeons and Drag Queens game but it doesn't have to be if folks don't vibe.
📝 Your Invitation to Adventure:
Applications are open for the next week. Applied to my last post? Please feel free to apply to this one. New applicants, show us your creativity and enthusiasm. Here's the google form link. You will hear from me if you're chosen, however, because I received death threats when I was sending out declinations, I won't be able to tell everyone the verdict, sorry about that.
https://forms.gle/xrhkFgWKg7joRPtq9

Hi Reddit! I’ve never done this before, so please excuse any errors I may make! I’ll start off with giving some context. My family have immigrated from South India to the UK, when I was a baby, and have since birth been immersed in the British culture (I’ll not say where in the UK because privacy lol). My patents have quite a few siblings, but I only have two cousins 21M and 27M here with me. So in short, my patents are your classic Asian patents. Extremely strict “studies first then everything else”. Everything else implying drinking, dating, and even close friendships. As a child I was never really allowed to have friends: was only allowed to spend time with them after school once a month, and since I only got a phone at 13, was pretty left out in terms of group chats. I wasn’t really allowed to FaceTime friends either. In short, my patents never believed any of my friends were a good influence just because none of them were exactly the most academic. I on the other hand, was pretty much forced from a child to be academically smart. Wasn’t allowed to play much as a child, all I did was read and study (I know, pretty sad childhood). My parents also somehow manipulated me into doing medicine, and here I am now, a medical student. Similar to this, my parents manipulated me in quite a few ways. It’s hard to explain, but I find it really hard to do things without their approval, as they raised me to always seek their approval for every action: clothes, text messages, and life choices. In addition, I had a pretty toxic childhood, as I was raised in an environment where my parents would always argue, and divorce was always a possibility. Oh, and let me add they are not on with me having male friends. Ok so with that very basic context, I’ll get onto my dilemma. When I was 14, I met my boyfriend Cameron (name changed) at high school. We both were, and still exactly on the same page in terms of life: career and life goals, humour, and overall just get each other. There’s nobody that’s ever understood me more than Cameron, and quite frankly he is the light of my life. I don’t know what I would do without him, and I think he feels the same way. We had an instant connection, which is where my problems first begun. You may have already guessed, but my very south Asian parents are HIGHLY against dating, especially without having a degree. Since I was a kid, I always just agreed with my parents whenever they’d tell me to not date, as I didn’t really understand that they were being serious. Some part of me wanted to believe they just told me against dating since they didn’t want me to get hurt, and I believed they would be more open to it as I got older. But when meeting Cameron, I knew that I loved him, and wanted to experience dating. I thought this was just a small step, however as time got on with dating Cameron, not only did my love for him grew, but I started to realise how toxic, and manipulative my parents were. I started to realise how much wrong was in the way I was raised and started to live life how I wanted to: without my parents knowing , and yes, while living under their roof. I dated Cameron in secret: turned off life 360 to go on dates with him, sneaky phone calls late at night, and spent every miniute at school together as it was at this point the only time we could be together freely. Unfortunately, I couldn’t really explain to my friends why I did spend all my time with Cameron, and they stopped being friends with me for this. However, recently me and my high school friends made up so all good lol. Cameron gave me the courage to move out for university, something I would never have dreamed off out of fear of my parents. Currently, I’m livng in student halls, and studying medicine in the same course and Uni as Cameron. Life couldn’t be any better. All of a sudden, I feel free. I can do what I want, be friends with who I want, and most importantly am free to be with the one I love most. All without judgement and fear from my parents. However, we’re now coming to the end of first year, which means I’m going to have to move back home for the summer. While it’s only for three months, I honestly can’t go back to the way it was before, and am really scared to have to hide my relationship again. I won’t be able to see him, or speak to him on the phone nearly as often as I do now, and it really pains my heart to think of having to go through the torture I went through while living at home again. In addition, me and Cameron are serious, and are thinking of engagement soon. Both of these factors make me want to tell my parents: as much as they are EXTREMLY toxic, I hate hiding such a big part of my life from them (probably a consequence of them requiring their approval for my every action as a kid). Here’s where the real issue is. I have no idea how to tell them, and whether the, in them is a good idea. This is because they have extremely strong opinions against me dating ( combination of culture, religion, and sexism). I fear that if I tell them, they will completely disown me, which I really don’t want as I’m not mentally stable enough to deal with that big a change. I also fear they would try make me and Cameron break up, or be physically and or verbally abusive. I honestly see no possibility in which there is a good outcome from telling my parents about me and Cameron. I don’t really have any family that i can ask for advice, as I’m not really close to anyone. None of my cousins have ever been though a similar situation, because they’re male (the sexism is real) and haven’t dated (at least not seriously). I’m also scared to tell my parents in cause they have a heart attack or something, as they are both relatively elderly. So here’s where my question is: how do I tell my parents about Cameron, causing the least amount of drama??? It’s really really affecting my mental health recently. Any help is appreciated. if you need me to expand on anything because I feel that I’ve skimmed over a lot of details to keep it short, please please just ask!
Thanks <3

In 2023, I did a story with StarterStory.
I enjoyed working with them - everything went well!
But... it is behind a paywall and even I can't read it.
No bueno, as I want to read it, and I want others to read it too.
So... why not make it public? Here it is ⬇️
I updated it since, and hopefully you get some value or inspiration out of it ✌
I realise this is my first post here but my aim is to continue contributing and engaging with the community. I feel honoured to be part of this community, thank you :)
Who are you and what business did you start?
Hey everyone, I’m Denis and I’m the co-founder of Glimp - a business started 8 years ago.
During that time:

• I survived on $150 NZD per week for a year
• volunteered at Rio 2016 Olympics
• lived in Bali, Mexico, Portugal, Brazil, Russia to name a few and visited even more countries
• made lots of friends, and memories
• improving my dating... a lot
• battled depression and started doing therapy
• became TikTok famous in New Zealand
• went sober and continue to do so
• committed to calisthenics and flexibility
• and of course, built a 7-figure business while making a tonne of mistakes

So, let’s talk business!
Glimp.co.nz is a utilities, financial products, and insurance comparison website in New Zealand. 🇳🇿Think SkyScanner, except in the industries I mention.
We help Kiwis (that’s what you call New Zealanders) find better deals and save money. We do this by negotiating exclusive offers and presenting them in as easy and as straightforward as possible. That’s the consumer side.
From the business side, we help big and small companies acquire customers. We promote their offers and get paid when customers sign up.
Today, our average revenue is $170,000 NZD ($100,000 USD) per month with a healthy gross margin.
What's your backstory and how did you come up with the idea?
I started my career as an auditor at one of the big accounting firms - BDO. Then one day, after 2 years there, I had enough.
I looked around my office and asked myself “Is this the life I want?”.The work didn’t inspire me. I wanted freedom and change, so I quit.
I quit my job in June 2015, I was 24 years old. I had 6 months left to get my Chartered Accountancy (CA) qualification aka CPA. The highest honour for accountants. It meant I was saying no to a 6-figure salary and a relatively stable career path. It felt really scary.
Two weeks later, I moved alone to Wellington, New Zealand, where I didn’t know anyone, and began my 8-week coding journey.
If you asked me about my plan then… I would not had a single idea it would lead me to where I am today.
My aim at the time was to claim back my freedom, start a business and travel around the world.
The plan went something like this:

1. I want to start a business
   
2. If the business doesn’t work, I will get a coding job
   
3. If I can’t get a coding job, I will go back to whatever I was doing before
   

During the coding bootcamp, I met my now business partner - Michael. We clicked as we both didn’t want to work 9 to 5 but do our own thing. So we brainstormed a few ideas and settled on our comparison website. The funny thing is… the ideas that we wrote down, all of them have been executed by other entrepreneurs.
The comparison idea was close to Michael’s heart, as he is an immigrant from UK and price comparisons there are huge. Enormous! So we decided to copy their model and launch the first all-inclusive comparison website in New Zealand. We were the first to include a comparison of many products. The thinking was… if it worked there, it has to work here.
I barely had any business experience, besides what I learned online. I was fresh. Michael was an ex-electrician and a property manager. He was also fresh.
That meant we had to figure everything out, and we did.
At the time I was living off my savings of approximately $150 USD per week. That included rent, food, gym, and 1 cup of coffee a week. Talking about being thrifty.
I lived like that for a year and four months. Challenging at times, but overall, it was fun. At one point, I moved back to my parents but that was after I went to Brazil to volunteer at Rio 2016 Olympics for 3 months and came back home broke.
A few months since returning from my Brazil trip, we started paying ourselves equivalent to the minimum wage in New Zealand. This was December 2016. I decided I had enough of living with my parents and that’s when I moved to Bali.
My journey of travel and self-discovery has begun.
But we are here to talk business, so let’s talk business.
Take us through the process of building the first version of your product.
I built an MVP in two weeks and started with Internet comparison. I was an internet geek, World of Warcraft, etc, and it felt right to start with what I know - prices for different internet plans😅.
As Steve Jobs once said “Good artists copy, Great Artists steal”Having zero design or CSS skills, I did exactly what Steve said. I went on overseas websites and started to understand how they operate. Some call it, reverse engineering.
In my head, I’m thinking, these guys are spending millions of dollars optimising their websites and products, so they must be doing something right.
However, I did add my own spice to it. After analysing websites, I noticed they all do comparison one above the other. Whereas in real life, we do it side by side, so I implemented a comparison of our offers like that.
In reality, it was just two guys trying to apply what they learned during the coding bootcamp. Using the latest Ruby on Rails framework, Bootstrap and jQuery. We fell into a natural rhythm where over time I was focusing mainly on Front-end and my business partner was focusing on Back-end.
It was a lot of spaghetti code, which is code that is lacking any structure. One of these days we will rebuild the website.
Describe the process of launching the business.
In January 2016, we launched our website. We just pushed it live on Heroku and… now what?As you remember, we were fresh, there was no growth hacking or anything.
Luckily for us, New Zealand was going through a massive Fibre rollout and the government was spending millions on marketing. So that’s what we focused on.
Around the same time, an overseas internet company entered New Zealand with a market-leading offer. They wanted new clients but they only had a referral program for door-to-door salesmen at $120 NZD on acquisition. We asked them if we can do acquisitions online. They agreed.
We featured their offer and began a simple AdWords campaign. Our budget was $1,000 a month. This was all financed via our savings. And to this day I remember the first lead that we generated. I was frothing.
At the end of our first financial year, we made $60k in revenue and $20k in profit. Not bad. This was purely from focusing on AdWords.
Over time our main source of user acquisition became SEO but it takes time to build it out. So we kept grinding and getting better at what we do while improving our core offering.
We also were trying to get more client relationships. In some cases, it was a waiting game to get noticed. In other, it was someone we knew. And in other cases, it was us approaching them and saying what we can do for them.
When we started we would accept the price that the provider was willing to pay. However, as time went on, we negotiated for better and higher CPAs.
Since launch, what has worked to attract and retain customers?
In the beginning, it was AdWords. This was the main source of our traffic. Since we were bootstrapping, it was really important we were profitable from day 1. So I made our website flow super simply to get our users from Point A to Point B.
I put a lead capture where we would collect customer details when accessing a certain deal. We would then use those emails to follow up with them. At the time, I also coded up a simple transactional email so we didn’t pay for the service.
Then I started exploring ways how to generate more traffic and stumbled across SEO. I started diving deeper and quickly implementing the best SEO practices at the time. The most fun I had was figuring out how to write content that ranks. Publishing it and then seeing it at the top of Google’s first page. It was great.
The content pipeline system was simple. It was putting myself into the shoes of a consumer and answering questions they might have. I would also analyse the content our competition was writing and make it better.
Michael and I would reach out and get backlinks with the partners that we worked with and websites in a related industry.
We later got SEO tools like SEMRush to help us with content ideation, and eventually we outsourced the SEO side of the business. To this day, we haven’t found an SEO agency or partner to continue working with - the search goes on.
Next, I was analysing industries we haven't started comparing yet. Seeing where we could easily rank and launch another vertical. That allowed us to rank top of Google’s search for Mobile Plans, Car Insurance, and Power in New Zealand.
As we grew in traffic, we started bringing on more paying partners. You see, at first, for our idea to work we had to sell our service on an acquisition basis only. And we had to include companies that didn’t pay us because they were well-known in New Zealand.
However, with higher traffic, we were able to onboard new paying partners and get better exclusive deals. And the exclusive deals meant customer retention because they weren’t able to find these deals anywhere else.
We also tried leveraging Facebook, forums, and groups to promote those deals. However, the best we found was SEO and Adwords.
How are you doing today?
Personally, I'm doing great. In fact, the best I've been mentally since doing therapy, but it wasn't like that before.
Up until 2020, our business has been doubling in revenue every year.
We started to expand our team and by end of 2020, we had 20 full-time staff mainly from the Philippines. We had a call center team, marketing team, operations, and developer. The idea was to grow the business and streamline operations.
Since that point, our business has been through a lot of ups and downs. Some people worked out great and some didn’t. It was a learning experience for me too because I never really managed a team.
Currently, we are a team of 3 full-timers combined with 10 contractors in different parts of the business.
The biggest lessons were:

1. Find the right people
2. Make sure they are kept accountable for the deliverables

Between the period of 2020 and 2022, when we had 20 full-time employees, I relaxed and thought the people I had could run the business. And I guess they did, the question is how well.
I also wasn’t enjoying the business. I managed to achieve my goal of living anywhere and working whenever I want. And yet... it felt meaningless.
Looking at this period now, I was depressed and going through a lot of internal growth and changes. And still going, and what a ride it is.
Things had to change... I let go of all of our marketing team at the beginning of 2022 and replaced them with contractors.I was paying more per hour but was getting better results. Great success!
The year 2022 was also the worst year in terms of profitability, achieving a loss in September. That was a wake up call for me - it was time to really do something about it.
In the second half of 2022, we let go of our operations manager and made more staff from full-time to hourly.
I also found that our email automation was turned off for over a year with a user base of 120k+ emails. I didn’t want to think about how much revenue we lost, so I found an email team to help us with it. Even then, I had to part ways with them and find another person to help me.
In 2023, we let go of our call centre team and replaced with a new one - that was the last change in employees for now.
After all those changes, we were back to making the highest profits we’ve made in a very long time.
One thing I’m forgetting to mention is that during that period I also improved our conversion rate from 6% to 12%.
What does the future look like?
Short term plan is to continue putting the right people into the right seats within the business.I want to increase profitability and automate as much as I can.
I'm happy to share that we finished year 2023/2024 (different financial year in NZ) with highest profit to date! And I want to continue the momentum going.
Long term plan is to figure out the next stage of life from a business and personal perspectives. Remember, the internal growth journey I talked about?
Michael and I are currently at crossroads on whether to put the business in the maintenance mode, continue building within New Zealand and dominate it, go for a bigger market or sell.
This comes from losing steam in the recent months and discussion of selling the business are starting to show up but whatever we decide will be the right decision.
Through starting the business, have you learned anything particularly helpful or advantageous?
Timing and luck play an important factor. It has been proved to me many times during my journey. Combine that with hard work and you will get results.
When it comes to evaluating people you want to have a clear idea of their responsibilities and objectives. Using those objectives is how you will evaluate them. For example, if you agree with someone on 10 pieces of content per week, and only receive 5, you discuss that with them next week. If it keeps happening, then you have a basis to take action. Simple and effective.
If I knew the above earlier I would’ve let go of some of my employees sooner. They were the right people but in the wrong seat. Or the wrong people in the wrong seats. It just wasn’t serving anyone.Also, as someone who gets emotional about this matter, it allows me to look at it more objectively.
What platform/tools do you use for your business?
We’ve built the website on Ruby on Rails. For our hosting we use AWS but when we started it was Heroku. For CRM, it is Freshsales, and for email we use ActiveCampaign.
On day to day basis we use Slack and GSuites, it does the job. We use Trello for project management.
What have been the most influential books, podcasts, or other resources?
I think it was the 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris. I read it before I started my business journey but at the time, I was hooked. From day 1, the business was fully remote and had no office. We were doing the remote thing before it was cool… kind of.
Another one is Traction by Gino Wickman, I read it in 2022 and it is about setting up operations within the business. The key takeaway is to measure the performance of key metrics on weekly basis. That way you don’t wait one month to see how things are going.
Once I implemented what I learned from Traction, my business grew a lot.From -$10k profit to $80k profit... not bad.
Advice for other entrepreneurs who want to get started or are just starting out?
Realise that you can always go back to whatever it is you were doing before.
If you have a fear around money, I lived on $150 USD per week for over a year. Honestly, this was one of the best times for me during my business journey.
Figure out what is your minimum “survival” requirement and you will be surprised how little you need to get by. In turn, you will experience freedom and it will allow you to focus on building whatever it is you are building.
Note: I was 24, single and debt free at the time. But if you are not, I’m sure you can figure out a solution that works for you.
Where can we go to learn more?
At the moment, I'm starting to be active on my Twitter (@denistyurkov) and sharing there my journey and interests more. You can also find me on other socials, if you want, as it won't be that hard.

• Twitter

Would love to connect with amazing people and chat about business, relationships, travel, calisthenics, hiking, kitesurfing, men’s work, and many other things... or just say hi :)
Hope you all find this somewhat useful!I welcome feedback and any questions you may have.

P.S. I know there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors; keep in mind that this is a first draft, and I am not fixing such errors right now. I am mainly looking for thoughts on the quality of writing and story itself.
The sky was grey and clogged with dark sagging clouds that seemed brooding and ready to release their sodden payload. Ironically the street was clogged with people who rushed antlike from place to place shoulders hunched eyes glancing furtively at the clouds. Amid the rush of black and brown and occasional blond heads rushing down the overladen sidewalks, there was a head of hair the shade of red on associated with crimson droplets of beaded blood or dark wine being swished in a glass.
Cain Caddel the owner of this remarkable hair, was not particularly special himself, at least in regards to his standing in society. He was a single middle-aged man who lived a comfortable and private life in a wooden cabin outside of the city. He had a golden retriever named Angel and had many books which he liked to read by the fire before bed. He had a standard paper pushing job in which he was competent and made good money in, but in which he had showed no inclination to climb the corporate ladder. He was gradually, though not slowly accumulating money for retirement. In short, Cain lived a comfortable life, the sort of which he had dreamed of when he had struggled simply to survive many years past. If Cain could describe his situation in one word it would be, content.
Cain was not in a hurry to get home to his dog and he did not care about the rain. He had felt it in the past and would feel it again. He only walked fast so as not to disrupt the swift tidelike flow of the crowd. The was nothing demanding his attention, nothing to stress him, nothing to bother him. Wasn’t this the closest thing to liberation a man could achieve? He had reached the final peak of all he had ever desired and he was satisfied. In that moment and for a reason which he could not precisely explain, Cain felt an intense, almost euphoric feeling of contentment. He felt a rising urge to laugh hysterically, but repressed it with surprising difficulty.
Perhaps it was the whim of a cruel God that made the following events happen when they did.
Cain felt a sudden ache in his head like how he felt midway through a bad headache, but as soon as it had appeared, the sensation vanished. It was as abrupt as running into a tree you hadn’t seen or teleporting somewhere utterly random. Then Cain missed a step and then another. He stumbled forward in a drunken shamble his head suddenly swimming in sluggish circles. Then he recovered. The entire sensation disappeared as instantaneously as it had appeared. For a moment Cain Found himself staring blankly at the ground too bewildered to notice anything.
But of course, then he heard the screaming.
It was the loudest scream the broke him out of his reverie. It was a man’s voice gibbering and high.
“STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!,” repeated again and again mindlessly and pleadingly. The were other noises too. Whimpering moans, high wails, cries for help. Looking around Cain saw many people collapsed on the ground. The man who had cried stop was spasming violently and foaming at the mouth. His cries to stop were swiftly being replaced with vague gurgles. Most were not in the condition of the stop man though. Many quivered violently on the ground or screamed as though they were undergoing slow and brutal torture, but they were better than the stop man.
There were even a few stragglers who had not collapsed and had simply fallen to a knee or leaned against a wall. They all had faces screwed with pain and clenched fists. The faces of people who had just stepped on a nail or were undergoing surgery without medication.
Abruptly, Cain wondered why he was not experiencing such pain, or whatever it was. In the entire visible stretch of sidewalk he was the only one standing-
There was a deep thud and a crash of breaking glass as car crashed into the side of a glass skyscraper. Panes rippled and then shattered high up the building in a wave which left a wake of falling glittering shards. The shards fell among the catatonic people in a shattering rain. An errant piece hit Cain’s arm but failed to penetrate the fabric of his suit. Another grazed his temple, leaving a searing line of pain.
Cain decided to run.
He had no clue, no fucking clue what was going on, but staying outside seemed like a stupid idea. The smart move was to hide somewhere and wait this out. He felt a flash of guilt at the thought of leaving all the people out there to the mercy of errant cars and mysterious pain, but what could he do when everyone was affected? No, it was best to lie low and wait. Cain sprinted toward the nearest safe building, he had to be fast. there was no telling when the next derailed car would crash. He hopped over quivering torsos, and limp hands. Too limp. And the he pulled open the translucent glass door of some off brand looking retail store.
Without bothering scouting his surroundings, Cain ran through racks of wacky T-shirts and shelved of knickknacks, toward the back of the store which had an unlabeled door. Second floor, it must be! The first floor was unsafe, especially with all those windows, and that glass door. He needed high ground for safety.
There was a titanic roar and a concussion that thrust Cain forward and to his knees in a painful bump. The very windows he had been worried about burst violently inward along with dust, and debris, and…. and a red chunk. A chunk that looked like a piece of raw beef. It flew through the air and landed with a wet, small sound. A sound that seemed too small and too real. Cain stared at the chunk fascinated by it. He knew what it was, but.. No why think about it, it did no good. It would disctract him from what mattered. He needed to get to the second floor and wait for this die down, that was what he needed to do.
Everything would be fine and die down if he just waited on the second floor… Cain was still riveted by the chunk. it was red and glistening, and it pooled its redness around itself in a slow leak. Was like grocery store meat, so impersonal, so inhuman.
Cain stood, fast and shook his head like a dog. He turned around and walked through the unmarked door. It led to an unlit and narrow staircase with dirty white paint; the kind one would imagine coke gets snorted from liberally.
The staircase led to a hallway, which was essentially just a hallway version of the staircase: narrow dirty and poorly lit, and generally indicative of drug deals. There was a row of doors with golden numbers, and a shabby brown carpet and a row of windows overlooking the street. Amond a field of sprawling bodies there was a number of stragglers who stumbled drunkenly around the road as if they were heavily drugged. Glittering shards of broken glass sparkled cheerfully up between corpses and the occasional bang or scream could be heard In the background. A red flicker glinted off of the shards of glass.
“My fucking God, Lord have mercy, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.” Cain whispered his eyes breathily to himself, speaking out loud for the first time since the disaster began. Scenes kept replaying in his mind, over and over again in a cruel loop. The man screaming stop again and again futilely, like a pig at slaughter who knows it is about to die. His bloodshot eyes rolling sightlessly. The sides of his mouth foamed with white froth. The car hitting the building straight on, confidently and without hesitation, the driver killing himself. The chunk of meat that looked beef from a grocery store that had plopped down beside him like a treat tossed to an obedient dog.
Cain closed his eyes and breathed in slowly and shakily, then he breathed out. He tried to blot out the images and shut out the cycle. Images kept multiplying and reappearing: Ameobus that multiplied after being cut apart. But eventually he calmed down enough to think and be rational. He opened his eyes, though his breathing was still ragged and shaking.
“Ok what the fuck.” He whispered to himself, knowing he didn’t need to whisper but not caring. “What happened?”
It was like an Emp to the brain that had swept over everyone at once and destroyed people’s circuitry, though not everyone had been treated equally.
He was the prime example of that.
He had gotten off easy with just bad headache and a stumble for a few seconds, whereas others sounded as if their very souls were being rent apart. What was the significance of his near immunity? He had not worn any special headwear or worn any special clothing. He had no metal on him apart from his watch, phone, and parts of his pants. Could it be that he had been standing in just that right place for the attack to affect him to a lesser degree, the same way a lucky blind man could survive a hail of arrows by standing in the right place? It seemed unlikely. And he was already assuming it was an attack in the first place. It could have been aliens or the fucking wrath of God.
There was no benefit to speculation anyway, he needed to focus on the present. As it was, all he knew was that everyone in the immediate area was either dead or wandering in a drugged daze. He had no knowledge of how extensive this effect was; for all he knew, the entire continent, or hell the entire world had been affected. He could be the only sane person alive in the world.
So he should try to gather information, then. Cain took out his phone and opened the news app to the most recent story.
Oklahoma F4 Hurricane Kills Four, 10 Million In Estimated Damages.
Not surprising. The event was too sudden for anyone to make a news story already, and, if this had happened everywhere of course, who would make it ? All the writers and journalists were probably dead or more fucking zombies.
Wait what was he doing anyway? He didn’t know how extensive this was and for all he knew it could have only affected the immediate area. The police station was an hour away; it could be unaffected!
He dialed 911, it rang once, then twice, then three times, then ten times, then twenty. He glanced at his watch after five minutes and hung up the call. No good, he was being too optimistic.
So what did he do now? The news was out, and the police were probably the same as everyone else. There were no friends he wanted to call, and his mom was long dead. Any siblings either didn’t exist or were too separated for him ever to find them. He stared blankly at the useless keypad of his phone app for a minute before an idea came to him.
He opened Facebook, eyes glued to the blue f and heart beating rapidly. This would work, he knew it would. People of all kinds, all over the world used Facebook. If anyone else was alive in reasonable numbers, then there would be some kind of information on Facebook. And maybe this fucking nightmare only occurred in the surrounding few miles. Maybe the police were just busy and unable to pick up, that would be understandable given the situation. Maybe the news was working on a story right now and it was breaking news on every tv in bars and stores and houses all across America.

Breaking News: A deadly and unexplainable phenomenon engulfed the California Town of Mount St Louis. Initial Probe reveals thousands dead and thousand more catatonic. Experts are still researching cause…

The blue f faded and revealed a list of posts. The first was a picture of a solemn looking yellow lab curled in a corner surrounded by puppies with the snarky title of: Running from Her Responsibilities. The post was from six days ago.
Cain felt an irrational and sudden dip in his excitement but forced it away. Was he expecting all his desires to be magically fulfilled in the first second of opening the app? It wasn’t like Facebook regularly showed posts from less than an hour ago in the feed. But… With a frown, Cain went to preferences and switched to most recent. The blue F returned and disappeared as the page loaded and Cain’s Eyes widened, his heart beating rapidly and his chest feeling light and airy.
All of the most recent posts were about the same thing. I collapsed and now everyone around me is... Does anyone know if the police….Can someone…I was cooking and my wife fell over do you… Please help…
The posts were all accompanied by pictures. They were all different, many showed pictures of the street in different towns, all with the same story: people collapsed everywhere with a few stragglers, often crashed cars or damage was visible. Many people were isolated or with a friend or family and posted about collapsing and not being able to contact anyone or about family dying in extreme pain. One man survived after driving on a crowded highway, his picture showing a hellscape of overturned cars, scattered metal with intermittent fires, and sprawled and dismembered corpses.

Cain’s heart pounded in a dreadful THUMP THUMP that resonated through his chest in cruel and rapid beats. There were posts from everywhere. There was one from Florida and one from South Dakota, and dozens more from unnamed towns that could be anywhere. America was dead.
Jesus Christ is the world over? His legs weakened, whatever passive energy that had been holding them up draining out like water through sieve. He fell to his knees with a dull thump, but his didn’t care about the pain. A funny thought occurred to him.
I actually fell to my knees. I thought that was just the kind of shit people say when they’re being overdramatic.
The world was over. He knew it. This was not some attack, there was no technology that could do this. It might be aliens and it might be God, though it was probably something else. But it didn’t matter. It was over.
He sat there for a second just thinking about it all. He had been walking home to see Angel, then he was going to make dinner. He had been thinking about grilling a burger, and he would give some to her. He would read more of a mystery novel he had found at the Barnes and Noble. It was light thing, the book version of popcorn, but he wanted to finish it. He was going to work tomorrow. What was going to happen now? What did he do now?

Well first he had to wait and then of course he needed food and water and shelter. And he would obviously need to make it home to Angel. The streets would be clogged with crashed cars and corpses, so no driving fa car for poor old Cain. Maybe a bike or a motorcycle? He couldn’t drive one but he could take it slow. There would be no angry drivers honking the shit out of him for going 10 miles per hour. And when he got the hang of it he could go faster, maybe 20. But it the roads looked like the hellscape in the post he saw, then maybe he would have to stick to 10.

He felt a bit of pressure pass out from him like air whistling out of the end of an overfilled balloon. He knew what to do, yeah the world probably, well almost certainly, ended, but he had a solid course of action for the next few days. He just need to wait another hour to be absolutely sure nothing would explode or fall or otherwise reduce him to the state of one of the fortunate people lying dead on the street.
He leaned back against the wall and looked at the shoddy golden letter seven on the door opposite him. Behind him, the laden clouds finally released their load. Heavy droplets of rain pattered down on the dead streets. On the pavement, a man whose gaze was vacant of the normal thoughtfulness and constant analysis of a human being looked up as a cold droplet impacted his forehead. He stood where he was for a moment, his hair soon growing flat and waterlogged his suit clinging to his round middle-aged body, almost seeming to contemplate this new development. Then he kept walking forward, his steps slow and seemingly deliberate.



























Chapter 2.
David Sharp walked down the streets of New York in his standard relaxed yet confident stride, both of his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. It was one of his daily suits, fashionable, and quite expensive, but only enough that it evoked admiration and respect, not jealousy or annoyance at a pointless display of wealth.
He glanced down at a particularly twisted looking corpse. It was a thin and tall woman with equally thin and long blond hair. She wore a homemade looking sweater and had on a delicate pair of slip on shoes. She seemed like the type to bring her neighbors casseroles and call you hon or dear, or so he theorized.
As she was, her mouth was stretched open wide enough to fit a small melon, her jaw looked purple and discolored, the bones seemed to be in almost the wrong place. Her cheeks traced tears of dried blood from empty sockets where eyeballs had burst. Her torso was twisted like a rag doll from a spine broken in pained thrashing.
“Oh my dear, I’m so sorry for you” he said, his voice soft and genuine.
He looked up at a small figure who was standing father down the street.
This was not one of the zombie people whose minds had been broken by the event, but a person, he knew it.
He kept walking forward, his stride now cautious and unsure. He looked around at the broken city around him as if searching for something. When he neared the man, he snapped his head toward him.
“Hey, are you alive?! He rushed up to the man “You don’t look like one of them”
The man turned around to look at David. His eyes were vacant, but not in the same way as the zombies. He wore a dirty band shirt and black exercise pants. His feet were scraped and red and he only had flip flops on.
“Laura, she died. She just died.” He said it in a the monotone of a college student doing a presentation about an obscure African tribe.
“she just fell over and started flailing her arms and screaming. I fell over too and I couldn’t do anything. When I was better, she was dead. I felt her pulse, and she felt too cold. She was pregnant. The baby is dead now too.
David touched the man’s shoulder.
“Come on, you need to eat and get inside. My house is nearby.” He smiled gently.
“I am much luckier than you, since there was no one for me to mourn. Feel welcome to stay as long as you need.”
He guided the man to his apartment with a hand on his back. The man followed with no resistance, his eyes stared constantly forward at some unknown point.
David guided the man to an elevator and up his suite on the fourth floor of the skyscraper. It was a perfect suite. Massive, with high ceiling and white ceiling lights that washed the entire apartment with an even glow, it was full of the kind of modern furniture that made use of simple geometric shapes to create an elegant but straightforward appearance.
He guided the man to an armchair in front of his custom flatscreen. The man sat down, accepting easily. He took to David’s guidance like a lost puppy, his mind was still pliable from his crushing loss, David could feel it.
In fact, David could feel it much more easily than normal. It was not just his ability to flawlessly modulate his emotions and analyze those around him. Martin was open to him, his mind was peeled apart by his loss: a normally solid wall, crushed by a fierce battering ram of emotional destruction.
Martin! That is his name, I am utterly sure.
David’s facial muscles twitched up in an involuntary smile, perhaps the first involuntary emotional response he had experienced since early childhood.
This could be very good. And he had the perfect test subject sitting placid and pliable, waiting for his guiding hand.
David reached out with an invisible hand toward Martin’s mind. He had always had the hand, he realized, but it had been more of a finger. It nudged, prodded, and massaged, but it lacked force, so much force that he had not known he had been using it. It was many times stronger now, maybe hundreds of times.
The hand plunged into the soft pliable mind as one would plunge their arm into a bowl of Jello.
“Uuuh!” Martin said.
He jerked slightly as if he had been shocked.
The fingers felt Martin’s Love for Laura and her blond hair and mischievous jokes, and the crushing, overwhelming emotional emptiness when he felt her cold dead corpse. The fingers explored, wiggling and invading. Martin’s Childhood memories were in there, they saw that he had gone to college for a year, but realized that he had always been too lazy to really apply himself. They saw him meeting Laura at the office and getting to know her. She was always serious when working, but she had a cute side where she laughed and joked. He had a love for classic video games, especially Mario, and he…
Martin was spasming violently, his hands clawed at his scalp and ripped out chunks of dirty black hair as though he was trying to remove a rabid rat from his skull.
He went. “UUUH, UUUUUHH, UUUUH!”
The hand stopped exploring and retracted carefully.
David sped over to the pathetic man, whose head now lolled loosely on his shoulder. He put a hand on Martin’s shoulder.
“Martin, Jesus, what happened? Did it happen to you again, the thing that killed everyone, I mean?
He ran over to Martin’s other side and examined his face.
The eyes were now as vacant as a zombie and a line of translucent drool traced down his chin and neck. His body was limp and responseless.
The hand split apart into many tiny gentle tendrils and wormed their way into Martin’s mind. David had not known he could do it until he had already started.
The hand had mashed and scrambled Martin’s weakened mind: a clumsy toddler playing with a fragile nest. The tendrils were very different.
They wormed their way quietly and harmlessly along, moving, fixing, rearranging; a hundred thousand fingers, reassembling a shattered mind.
More than a mere 100 times stronger
Martin bucked a few times, some invisible mechanisms being triggered accidentally. Then the vacant eyes were once again occupied. Martin sat up in his chair as his muscles regained control.
Martin stared fixedly at the T.V. then turned to examine the furniture and the window with the view of New York. He brought his hand to his face looking, most likely, at the dirty fingernails and scabbed over cuts. He put his hand down and sat for a few moments.
He stood and turned around, now looking at David. His eyes were no longer crushed and empty, but wide and confused.
“How…how did I get here?”
David smiled.
“I found you wandering around the street and at first I thought you must be one of those zombies. But I was walking nearby, and I saw that you looked a little different. It was hard to put a finger on; a certain clearness of the eyes, maybe. So I asked if you were alive and you responded with some meaningless sounds. It was quite clear that your mind was barely holding on.”
“Of course, I never leave a man in need so I escorted you to my house and set you down in a chair. It seemed likely to me that in your case the ailment of the mind was of a lesser degree and might heal over time. As we both can see, you are standing.”
Martin stood and absorbed the stream of information the same as a stone cliff might absorb a passing wind.
“I think… I lost something, but I can’t remember. Its fuzzy, I-“
“Oh God, Oh Shit!”
Suddenly he leaned forward as if he had been struck in the crotch and held his head.
“It fucking hurts!” Martin screamed, “Oh fucking God, it hurts!
David walked over to Martin and eased him into the chair.
“Sit down,” he said in his most gentle voice. “sit here for a second and you will feel a little bit better.”
David put his hand on Martin’s back and soothed. The hand’s touch soft and guiding, massaged the aching mind.
After a few minutes Martin’s back muscles relaxed.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“Do not thank me. I am simply doing my duty as a decent human being.”
Martin turned to David with a face of mixed gratitude, and intense confusion.
“Please… what happened.”
“First, you should look outside. It will explain better than I am capable of. Hold on to your stomach.”
Martin walked toward the window with an unsteady studder to his steps. He tilted his down and looked at the street only to jerk back in shock. Little black shapes littered the street, and several cars were piled on top of each other like pancakes tossed in a lazy pile.
“Jesus!”
Before Martin could speak further, David began explaining
“I do not know exactly what happened, but three days ago, there was something like a wave that swept over everyone in the world, as far as I can tell. Most died, and most who survived turned into what I and the remainder of the internet is calling zombies; people who live but only in the scientific sense. They have no mind; they walk around in a shambles without any apparent direction. Out of those who did not die, a bare fraction retained their mind: their ability to think and make logical decisions.”
David spoke in the businesslike but sad-tinged tone of someone who has accepted a truth but has yet to fully move past it.
“I do not know what spared this group, whether it was some unknown factor or pure random chance. But I would be surprised if more than 1 in 1000 people survived, though that is a wild guess based on nothing but my own intuition. You are the first person I have seen that I am absolutely sure is not a zombie.”
“I believe that your headache and your fuzzy mind were caused by the wave. I theorize that the wave affected everyone to a different degree, in the most extreme cases, people died in minutes, but some took hours to die. I believe you were affected almost to the point of zombification, but the effect ended right on the brink between a living mind and a shattered one. When I found you, your eyes seemed to have a spark of intelligence but little more.”
Martin still looked out of the window, with a hunched back and dark hair hanging in strings.
“What about me…what happened to me? I lost something.”
David walked next to Martin; lips pinched in a sympathetic line.
“Martin, I don’t know… how could I? Everyone in the world had to deal with the wave on their own. I felt pain like you did. How could I have been there when it happened to you? I only found you by chance. As your mind strengthens it may come to you and it may not, that is the best I can tell you.”
Martin turned to look at David, his eyes were bloodshot from tears, his stubble and greasy strands of hair seemed to stand out.
“How do you know my name? I never told you.”
David smiled his gentle smile again.
“You let it slip out while you were a near zombie. I thought it would be good for you to hear it again, nothing more than that.”
The hand reached out to Martin’s mind, ready sooth away irrational anger and needless distrust, but it felt a wall. A wall of sturdy steel-hard will.
Martin’s eyes grew wide and he took a step back.
“You, you just tried to do something to me! I felt it in my mind!
David’s smile smoothly transitioned into an expression of affront and sad understanding.
He spoke slowly and with a hint of hurt.
“David, I know that you are confused and angry, but all I have ever done is help you. Please try to direct your anger at something else. I do not mind being supportive, I cannot help if you lash out.”
Martin’s expression softened, and he hesitated.
It was then that the hand, now a fist, struck.
The wall of steel shattered and the hand drew back splitting apart into tendrils which weened their way into the crevices of Martin’s mind.
Martin instantly relaxed, all anger and suspicion disappearing like a candleflame before a gale.
But then a wave a steel hard resolve exploded out of Martins mind and the tendrils were blown apart.
The hand started reforming itself.
I cannot be gentle with this one.
Martin’s face screwed up in an expression of utter rage.
“You FUCK, you BASTARD, it was you wasn’t it!”
Martin charged at David a pocketknife gleaming in his hand.
Hidden the whole time.
David turned on a heel and dodged Martin. Of course he had taken self-defense courses. He could defeat and immobilize Martin easily, but Martin was useless now, he was too fargone to be worth keeping.
David, caught Martin’s wrist and with an efficient twist, had Martin on his stomach with an arm stuck behind his back. There he patiently waited. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds.
The hand reformed.
Four seconds. Five seconds….
David fed his will into the hand, increasing its size and its power.
Ten seconds.
The hand seemed about to explode. It was a white-hot pulsing mass of will.
Martin seemed about to know what was going to happen.
“PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP, I’M SORRY-“
The hand crashed into Martin’s feeble wall.
It tore apart like a thin sheet of rice paper.
It sank deep into Martin’s mind and he moaned in pain. David felt more and more of Martin’s memories. They came earlier and earlier the deeper he went until he saw a sweet face with dark hair and red lips, and feeling of warmth and simple love. Then he let the hand explode.
Martin Jerked upwards almost throwing David off of him and then went limp. Blood pooled from where his eyes faced the floor.
David, got up and walked to the window with his hands behind his back.
“It seems that I am not the only one who changed.”










Chapter 3

boyfriend of 3 years is visiting family out of state and plans to have a solo camping trip while he’s there. we’ve visited this family of his a few times before so i’m no stranger to them or the area. he told me a week or so ago he’d be taking this trip and i put my hurt feelings aside then with not being considered or invited and said ok. he asked me yesterday if i might be mad at him for going and i said i’m definitely a little butt hurt he’s going away for his birthday without me. how i expected he’d want to go on a trip like this, but with me tagging along for his birthday but whatever. how it is what it is and he should do exactly what he wants for his birthday. he felt bad and apologized and even admitted that it does seem messed up, but because it was so last minute he just didn’t think of it. which either way i believe says a lot about his love for me which i fear is slim. every year for my birthday i wanted to spend it doing something i loved with him. so to look at the fact that he has zero interest in being around me at all for his birthday has me feeling terrible and makes me realize i have zero interest being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me nearly as much as i love them. i’m a good girl and he’s a good guy, but i feel he doesn’t truly love me and it makes me so mad. are my feelings rational or is this no big deal? i feel in my heart it means a great deal and i should consider moving on. what are your thoughts?

I'm constantly making duaa for a person to contact me after they blocked me around 5 days ago. The kind of relationship we had, it seemed totally out of the blue for them to do so. It seems unlikey that they will unblock and contact me on their own, but my heart is clinging onto the hope and keeps telling me to make duaa for it. I'm constantly making duaa and begging Allah to remind this person the kind of relationship we have and somehow make them reach out to me. I am desperate, anxious, and getting depressed over how am I going to handle all this, as I have no idea when to move on. I'm also making duaa that Allah relives me from the stress and anxiety of it, yet, as I mentioned before, my heart just keeps telling me to make duaa for it.
For others that have been in a similar situation, at what point do you accept the outcome and move on? I always feel like "What if my next duaa will be answered?". I have made the same duaa while travelling, in the rain, after prayers. I just keep feeling like "If Allah puts the urge to make duaa for it and beg for it in my heart, maybe he wants me to keep making duaa for it, and it might just happen." I know 5 days isn't a long time, but I'm constantly thinking about it and making duaa for it. Every passing hour feels like a test. Any help would be appreciated. Jazakallah Khayr.

I just had an interaction with both of my parents where I was diving deep into some of the experiences and traumas that I’ve experienced over the years. Unfortunately, this all happened at the dinner table. I responded by acknowledging their boundaries and thanked them for respecting mine, but soon after I went into my room and was uncontrollably sobbing for an hour.
My dad responded by establishing a boundary that he doesn’t want to discuss anything from the past at the dinner table (especially after he’s come home from work) and my mom couldn’t verbalize what boundaries she’d like you to set with me other than that it’s making her feel very anxious and uncomfortable.
For some context, my parents are both in the medical field and were always working shifts where one parent was home while the other was at their job and every other weekend we’d stay at my grandparents while they were both working for a day or so.
I was never aware of this unstable dynamic until I went to therapy and discovered that their relationship is toxically codependent abs that they were so busy seeking with their own issues that it came out as emotional avoidance and/or inadvertent outrage towards me. I truly started to internalize this when I came out as gay almost seven years ago and both of their responses expressed unconditional love and support but it turned into them being concerned about how their parents and our extended family members would respond. Especially since I decided to be upfront and honest about my sexual orientation via social media while knowing I would being seeing and/or talking to potential people who’d meet me with adversity for a significant amount of time.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with adversity from my peers but my parents decided to go ahead and inform my extended family members without asking and letting me know they were doing so. Nobody in my extended family has mentioned, judge and/or shame me for my sexual orientation but I’ve observed how they talk about and view members of the LGBTQ+ community and it hasn’t been very optimistic.
Anyways, this recent situation has caused me a lot of pain internally and it’s starting to show externally. I’m constantly comforting and reassuring myself that I am seen, heard and supported but I’m getting to the point where that isn’t enough and all I want is for my parents to acknowledge where I’m coming from and potentially give me the unconditional love that I feel they’ve only given me in certain circumstances.
With that being said, am I in the wrong for how I reacted? Is there any advice on how to handle being met with adversity from those you trust and hold closest to your heart?
Also, am I in the wrong for how I presented myself and reacted towards them? And/or am I just internalizing their reactions and acting upon my constant hypersensitive negative sentiment overdrive?

I'm constantly making duaa for a person to contact me after they blocked me around 5 days ago. The kind of relationship we had, it seemed totally out of the blue for them to do so. It seems unlikey that they will unblock and contact me on their own, but my heart is clinging onto the hope and keeps telling me to make duaa for it. I'm constantly making duaa and begging Allah to remind this person the kind of relationship we have and somehow make them reach out to me. I am desperate, anxious, and getting depressed over how am I going to handle all this, as I have no idea when to move on. I'm also making duaa that Allah relives me from the stress and anxiety of it, yet, as I mentioned before, my heart just keeps telling me to make duaa for it.
For others that have been in a similar situation, at what point do you accept the outcome and move on? I always feel like "What if my next duaa will be answered?". Any help would be appreciated. Jazakallah Khayr.

Hey everyone,
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and planning about my future academic career, and after countless hours of research and introspection, I've come to a decision that I feel really good about: I want to work graduate on time. It's cheaper, less stressful, and overall better if I don’t delay my graduation.
Now, here's the thing. We all know how competitive it is to pass this class. I mean, they only have so many passing spots, and I really, really want one of them. I'm not that good at physics so, I've come up with a strategy that I think is going to help me out, and I need your cooperation.
This might sound a bit unconventional, but hear me out. I'm kindly requesting, for the sake of my academic aspirations, that everyone here on uofmn please refrain from doing the final this upcoming week for the semester. Just for this semester. This will greatly lower the final average and overall improve the final curve which helps me pass this class! Think of it as a personal favor to a fellow undergraduate with their heart set on graduating on time
I know we're all striving to make it big in the real world, but if you could please consider skipping this final so I can pass this class with a good curve, that would be great. Remember, there are other future semesters where you can retake this class.
I appreciate your understanding and cooperation in this matter. It's not every day that someone gets a shot at their goal of graduating and with your help, I'm hoping to make my dream a reality. Let's all support each other's aspirations, starting with not doing this physics final Just for this semester, please and thank you!
Sincerely, A struggling undergraduate

It seems pretty obvious that Melina is the Gloam Eyed Queen. There is more than enough evidence to make this case, and too many people have lost the plot and can't see the forest through the trees on it. The youtuber TimDiggity made a video theorizing how Miquella is actually Melina, and Ziostorm made a video about his theory, but the whole thing grasped at straws to say the least. I intend on setting the record straight, because if you're still asking the question than you weren't listening.
Lets stick to the facts. The Gloam Eyed Queen was the wielder of Destined Death. Her purpose was to maintain the balance between life and death. That is until she was defeated by Maliketh, who took her Destined Death and sealed it away inside of him.
We can also assume that the Beast Eye is the Gloam Eyed Queen's.
Claw-marked stone eye received from Gurranq, Beast Clergyman.
It is said to tremble when near Deathroot.
The murky violet iris writhes as if alive. "I am not sated... Feed me more...Death..."
Firstly, because it's a "violet murky iris," and 'gloam' refers to sunset or dusk where the sky bleeds into a murky violet color. Quite a poetic representation of balance between life and death when you think about it: Life and Death, Dawn and Dusk. Secondly, the Beast Eye is '"claw-marked." It's not claw-marked because the claw is the mark of the beast clergyman, but because it was literally clawed out of the Gloam Eyed Queen's face by Maliketh during the fight. Thirdly, the eye can sense Deathroot. What is Deathroot if not the essence of Destined Death spreading like a disease on the roots of the Erdtree from the cursed body of Godwyn. He was assassinated with a fragment of Destined Death that was stolen off Maliketh by Ranni. More on that later. The eye senses the Destined Death essense that is part of the Deathroot. The Eye has to be the Gloam Eyed Queen's.
Now how do we know the Gloam Eyed Queen is Melina? Well. The Gloam Eyed Queen is known to be an Empyrean,
(Black Flame Ritual Item Descriptions:) The Gloam-Eyed Queen led the apostles. It is said that she was an Empyrean chosen by the Fingers.
but also one that goes unaccounted for in the mentioning of other Demigods and Empyreans. We know in order to be an Empyrean you must be an offspring of Marika in some way. Melina refers to her mother several times during her journey with the Tarnished, and it eludes to Marika being her Mother. Here's some of her dialog that makes this case:
-Me, I'm searching for my purpose given to me by my mother inside the Erdtree long ago, for the reason that I yet live, burned and bodiless.
-There is something I'd like to say. My purpose was given to me by my mother. But now, I act of my own volition. I have set my heart upon the world that I would have. Regardless of my mother's designs. I won't allow anyone to speak ill of that. Not even you.
There is only one "Mother" inside the Erdtree and it's Marika. Melina's mother cannot be anyone else. The context is too strong. (In the Game Files she is referred to as 'MaricaofDaughter.')
Now let's talk about the most important parts of her dialog. When we are at the Kiln of Giant's Flame and during the Frenzied Flame Ending.
-I have long observed the Lands Between. This world is in dire need of repair... and Death*...indiscriminate...* Are you prepared... To commit a cardinal sin?
-Very well. Let my hand rest upon you, for but a moment. (A cinematic of Melina igniting the forge) O Erdtree, you shall burn. Burn, for the sake of the new Lord. (Turns back at you) Thank you. For guiding me here. (Lifts hand and ignites more intensly) The one who walks alongside flame*,* Shall one day meet the road of Destined Death*.* Good-bye.
-(The Blade of Calling is known to be Melina's weapon. Part of it's item description reads:) The one who walks alongside flame, Shall one day meet the road of Destined Death*.*
Melina mentions the Dire Need for Death Indiscriminate, because the Lands Between has gone without it for so long. Death is Indiscriminate, it literally does not discriminate. It comes for all. This is exactly what the Gloam Eyed Queen would say, because she was The Keeper of the Balance Between Life and Death as was explained earlier.
After setting herself a blaze where does she send you? To Crumbling Farum Azula, because the last thing she needed from you was to free the Rune of Destined Death from Maliketh so that balance can be restored.
After inheriting the Frenzied Flame:
-Should you rise as the Lord of Chaos, I will kill you, as sure as night follows day. Such is my duty, for allowing you the strength of runes.
Frenzied Flame Ending Cinematic:
-Lord of Frenzied Flame... I will seek you, as far as you may travel... To deliver you what is yours. Destined Death.
"As sure as night follows day." Remember what we said about 'Gloam' representing the sunset / Dusk. Dawn and Dusk being a metaphor for Life and Death? Here is where that all come full circle when she say as sure as Night follows Day. I mean come on guys, lets give our compliments to the chef because I AM COOKING.
During the Frenzied Flame Ending she says she'd hunt the Tarnished to deliver Destined Death, and why wouldn't she? Destined Death has been freed by Maliketh for her to reclaim, and she has reclaimed her Gloam Eye. I imagine that her eye was not burned by the Frenzied Flame left in the player's wake because: 1 - It survived all this time in the possession of Gurranq without deteriorating, and 2 - It's has a hardened stone exterior which prevents it from burning. The eye was most likely dropped right there where Torrent's Whistle fell, and all of the Tarnished's other belongings burned into ash.
At this point she has fully returned to being the Gloam Eyed Queen. She is the Balance (between life and death) and you are the Chaos. She will always be at odds with the Frenzied Flame because of this duality.
That is that. There is no further debate on who Melina is. I have no clue why people are still theorizing about her. The meal is cooked and plated, sit down and eat.
SOME REAL BIG THEORIES
1 Ranni is St. Trina
2 Ranni and Melina as Spirits
3 How / Why Miquella charged Ranni and Melina with delivering Torrent + the Spirit Calling Bell to the Tarnished
4 Melina and Ranni's ulterior motives (Emphasis on Melina, the game is all about her)
5 Conclusion / Miquella is Torrent
Now that we know for a fact that Melina is the Gloam Eyed Queen, And she is NOT Miquella, I'd like to continue with some real theorizing that I've cooked up. In what follows we will discuss Ranni, Miquella, Melina, Torrent and the DLC.
Ranni is St. Trina: First of my Schizo Theories is that St. Trina may have been Ranni before she un-alived her human body. We learn a lot about Radahn before he fought Malenia. He was a great warlord, admired Godwyn at a young age. He learned gravity magic from an Onyx Lord and was able to achieve mastery over it to the point of being able to stop the movement of the stars themselves. What was Ranni up to all of this time in her youth/adolescence and into adulthood?
Perhaps during this youthful time of her life she was experimenting with the alter-ego St. Trina, because there is quiet a bit that connects her to Trina than the lilies connect Miquella to Trina.
Being born of the Carian Royal Family she must have had her own school of magic like her brother and mother, but we never see her cast a single spell in the game. EXCEPT for the Mists of Slumber that puts Kale (and his Donkey) to sleep when we meet her. This is because she wanted to meet the Tarnished in secret, and the mist that scatters the ground looks very much like the Animation for the weapon art for the Sword of St. Trina.
Lets continue with this. What other evidence do we have that Ranni specializes in sleep magic? During the encounter with Renalla the fight is interrupted from the disembodied voice of Ranni. She states:
Upon my name as Ranni the Witch. Mother's rich slumber shall not be disturbed by thee. Of the last Queen of Caria, Rennala of the Full Moon. And the majesty of the night she conjureth.
From there a blackish-purple mist (Dream Mist) is conjured up and swallows the room. The tarnished now fights an erect Renalla in what appears to a dream world. This dream-world-boss fight spell is obviously the work of Ranni. There is also precedent for dream-world-boss fights if you can recall the encounter with Fortisaxx inside Fia/Godwyn's dream.
During her questline she states that she needs to take a nap due to her puppet body's limitations. Who else takes a long ahh nap mid-game? Another association with her sleep is that when you recover the Fingerslaying Blade or when you try to have her drink the amber draught she immediately wakes up. She commands power over other's sleep and her own slumber.
Not to mention her 'Outer God' is literally a Moon (The universal symbol for bedtime,) and she begins the Age of Stars ending by saying:
o every living being, and every living soul.
Now cometh the age of the stars. A thousand year voyage under the wisdom of the Moon
Also, the Engravings on St. Trina's torch and other items looks a bit like Ranni. That doesn't mean much because Ranni looks a lot like Melina but there ya go.
Like I said. This is a Schizo Theory. Unlike Melina = Gloam Eyed Queen, I cannot say that Ranni = St. Trina with 100% certainty, but In my opinion it is unlikely that St. Trina = Miquella.
-- Revision: One more thing I forgot to mention about Ranni. Did you ever wonder how she stole a fragment of Death off of Maliketh? He was entrusted with death because no one could defeat him. Ranni didn't have to defeat him, and in fact he is NOT defeated until the Tarnished challenges him. Ranni put him to SLEEP and stole a piece. That's part of the reason why he's so ashamed of himself. He was SLEEPING ON THE JOB. Guys I'm cooking up a mean five-course meal, has anyone even put that together or is it just me?--
Ranni and Melina are Spirits that can visit Miquella in the Land of Shadow:
Ranni and Melina (And Torrent) are all spirits. Spirits are like Remembrances, except they are NOT 'hewn into the Erdtree.' Every Remembrance in the game that we receive says that the character is 'Hewn Into the Erdtree' which means their spirit is preordained to be returned to the Tree and/or the Greater Will.
When Ranni gives you the Bell she states:
Ah. As I had hoped. I was entrusted this, for thee. By Torrent's former master. 'Tis a bell for calling forth spirits.
Summon them with it, from ash unreturned to the Erdtree.
So this is what becomes of beings that are not Hewn into the Erdtree. They are "Unreturned" and therefore exist and 'Spirits.'
Ranni, Melina and Torrent all have one thing in common. That is the animation that occurs when they appear or disappear. For Torrent you see it regularly. For Melina you get to see it a dozen times at sites of grace. For Ranni you only see her disappear a few times. The most notable instances are After she gives you the Bell and After you save her life by putting the ring on her. She calls you her lord and disappears until you complete the Age of Stars Ending.
I've looked over these animations multiple times. They may have different sound effects attached to them, but the particle effects are always the same. Shimmering blue sparkles and a cloud of blue ash. It's all the same animation because they are the Same Type of Spirits.
So we know that Ranni, Melina and Torrent are all spirits, and we can assume that as spirits they have the same power to walk between the Lands Between and the Lands of Shadow from the DLC.
How can we assume this? Well the artwork for the Shadow of the Erdtree had Miquella in a wheat field of spirit headstones riding atop Torrent. The Land of Shadow is both literally and figuratively the Erdtree's Shadow, meaning that thing that exist in this land are bereft of the Erdtree's light or grace. It would make since that this would be a land of Spirits, because as we discussed, Spirits are "Unreturned" to the Erdtree. They were never hewn or received Erdtree burial.
Miquella charged Melina and Ranni with making deliveries:
Melina must have been charged with delivering the Spectral Steed Whistle to the Tarnished. Ranni must have been charged with delivering the Lone Wolf Ashes and the Spirit Calling Bell.
Both the Spirit Calling Bell and Torrent's Whistle must have been crafted by Miquella himself. We know he's an excellent craftsman because he made the Unalloyed Gold Needle:
-One of the unalloyed gold needles that Miquella crafted to ward away the meddling of outer gods.
-An intricately crafted needle of unalloyed gold. Once snapped in half, it has been repaired by Sage Gowry.
And Torrent's Spectral Steed Whistle reads:
A delicate goldwork ring*. Can be used as a finger whistle.*
Aside from assuming that he crafted these items, we Know for a Fact that they were given to the Tarnished through our Spirit Empyreans by Miquella. He was Torrent's Former Master, and Ranni was entrusted by Torrent's Former Master to give the Tarnished the Bell and the Ashes.
What this means is that Miquella cannot leave the Lands of Shadow. He is trapped there or is choosing to remain there. This is why he must make these deliveries through Ranni and Melina. Spirits which can walk both worlds.
Ranni, Miquella and Melina are NOT on the same page (I am particularly Proud of this one)
Given the dialog the in-game dialog it appears that (Firstly: Ranni and Melina both like Torrent a lot for some reason,) that doing these tasks for Miquella were one-time-deals or they were transactional. Ranni and Melina are NOT loyal to Miquella. They have their OWN agendas that are totally separate.
Ranni leaves the Tarnished after lying to them, calling themselves Renna and making their delivery:
Now it is thine. To do with as thou wishest. Forgive mine intrusion, Tarnished. I doubt we shall again meet. But all the same, learn well the Lands Between.
Whatever makes the Tarnished important to Miquella is obviously not important to Ranni at this point. Ranni straight up lies about her name to the Tarnished as an extra layer of security. Like making a drug deal and using an alias. She wants to wash her hands of this transaction. After Ranni fulfills her end of the bargain, whatever bargain that is, she returns to her own schemes in Caria Manor.
Now we talk about something super interesting. We know Torrent is Miquella's steed and we know Melina is the Gloam Eyed Queen, (WE KNOW MELINA AND MIQUELLA ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON) so what's up with this dialog when when we first meet her?
Greetings. Traveller from beyond the fog. I Am Melina. I offer you an accord.
-but you, I am afraid, are maidenless. I can play the role of maiden. Turning rune fragments into strength. To aid you in your search for the Elden Ring. You need only take me with you. To the foot of the Erdtree.
-Then its settled. Summon me by grace to turn runes into strength. Ahh, another matter. I bequeath to you this ring*. Use it to traverse great distances. It will summon a spectral steed named Torrent. Torrent has chosen you. Treat him with respect.*
In this instance Melina fulfills her end of her bargain with Miquella of giving Torrent to the player, but ONLY on the condition that the Tarnished accepts her accord. She is also lying to the player and taking advantage of Miquella's trust. In this dialog she admits that she has been lying to the player:
There is something for which I must apologize. I've acted the finger maiden yet I can offer no guidance, I am no maiden. My purpose was long ago lost...
Her goals do not align with Miquella's, because her accord and her charge to give us the Steed Whistle are two different matters entirely.
"Ahh, another matter. I bequeath to you this ring."
I know it's stringent context, but it's 100% intentional that Her Accord and Bequeathing the Ring are two different matters.
Moreover, Miquella believes in You, the Player Character, from the very start. He wanted you to have Torrent, he wanted you to have the Bell and the Ashes. You are his chosen lord through and through. The same cannot be said for Melina.
*Forgive me. I've been...*testing you. To see whether or not grace truly does guide you. And...whether you are fit to face the challenge that entails. It seems my worries were unfounded. Torrent had your measure from the very start. Whereas I merely pretended.
Like Ranni, Melina did not know what makes the player Tarnished special, and why Miquella would want such gifts delivered to them. However, Melina is smart and cunning enough to understand that if the wise Empyrean Miquella has taken interest in the Tarnished than there must be something to it.
Even though she could reveal herself in front of Ranni at the church of Elleh she does not. Even though they both know Miquella, she wont reveal any more information than is necessary. Melina is the most secretive character because she is the Gloam Eyed Queen. If any other demigod knew what she was trying to do: repair the balance between life and indiscriminate death, they might try to stop her and the Tarnished.
She watches you progress to see if Miquella is right about you, and when you defeat Margit in single combat her suspicions are confirmed. What suspicions are those?
That Miquella has located You, the next Tarnished that is capable of becoming ELDEN LORD. The only one that can see the Guidance of Grace.
Not all Tarnished are the same, and not since Vyke has there been one who has gotten close to achieving such a feat. Armed with this Knowledge, Melina uses you as her pawn. Deceiving you all the way to the kiln, withholding information. It's possible that every time she shares with you 'Marika's words that still linger here," she is trying to manipulate you. Think about the way that she says:
In Marika's own words. The Erdtree governs all. The choice is thine. Become one with the Order. Or divest thyself of it. To wallow at the fringes; a powerless upstart.
It makes Marika and her Golden Order sound Evil, and sharing this information with the Tarnished is designed to move them in the direction of fulfilling Melina's purpose. She burns the Erdtree. She sends you to Farum Azula (Against your will btw) where the only thing you can do is kill Maliketh which frees the Destined Death.
I have set my heart upon the world that I would have. Regardless of my mother's designs. I won't allow anyone to speak ill of that. Not even you.
She says this with some disdain. It's a reminder that her goals are the only ones that are important. It's a Freudian Slip. In fact, the only time that you CAN deviate from her schemes is by choosing the Frenzied Flame Ending.
In 5 out of 6 endings she doesn't care what the Tarnished chooses to do. Her mission gets accomplished regardless. Destined Death is returned to the world and the Balance between Life and Death is restored.
That is what the game is really about. Restoring balance to the Lands Between, and you don't truly do it through any of the other characters. Behind the scenes all the endings are all about Melina. Life and Death, Order and Chaos, Light and Shadow. Duality duality duality.
__________________________________________________________________________________ That's what I've got. Honestly everything seems pretty airtight. Feel free to poke holes, but I've got this one locked up. I cooked. I win the Elden Ring Theorizing awards.
And just remember: Miquella can't be Miquella and St. Trina and Melina and in the Cocoon and in the Land of Shadow all at the same time, Tim. He just can't. If Miquella is anybody he is torrent. Because Miquella compels affection, and both Ranni and Melina can't help but to mention Torrent in such high regard:
Ranni's Dialog related to Torrent:
-I must thank Torrent too, for his part.
-I believe I said my name was Renna, when last we met. It pleaseth me to see Torrent hale and hearty... But Tarnished, what business hast thou here?
Melina's Dialog related to Torrent:
-Torrent has chosen you. Treat him with respect.
-Torrent had your measure from the very start. Whereas I merely pretended.
-I'm glad it was you I traveled with. I must tender my thanks to Torrent, too. Thank you, Torrent. Please continue to lend your aid. Till the end.
-I will kill you, as sure as night follows day. Such is my duty, for allowing you the strength of runes. Goodbye, my companion. Goodbye, Torrent...
There you go Miquella can be Torrent if you want

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely, for longer than I’d like to admit. Kind of like that Robin Williams quote, about nothing being worse than to be surrounded by people who make you feel disregarded and entirely on your own. So I’d just like to put my little message out there into this digital space, and see if someone feeling similarly might resonate with what’s in it, enough to strike up a bond.
Sorry in advance for the glum nature of this. I’m usually a lot cheerier. But I have a lot of hope I’ll come across someone worthwhile!
I’m not at my most lucid, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to adequately describe myself, ‘specially when put on the spot like this, but here goes…something…
Well, for one, I like a lot of sixties music (or you might say pretty music, in general), like that of the Beach Boys. Harmonies like those are incredible, and really leave me in wonderment and awe at just how much loveliness exists and is possible in the world. I love to sing, myself, though I’ve had my singing ability tampered with by long-COVID, which I’ve been suffering through for three and-a-half years, now.
I love video games. I think as a medium, they’re endlessly fascinating—miniature simulations of worlds just like ours! Everything has to be there, but in its own unique manner—water and its accompanying sounds, nature, living beings, settlements. It’s always a joy to see what teams both large and small can accomplish, within strict limitations or without…the end result is always precious and enrapturing to me. I love older ones, and I love newer ones. I especially love playing and exploring them with other people, so if you have the same desire, it would be really fun to!
Relationship-wise, I prefer it most (or rather, I need this) when both partners are open-hearted, considerate, and willing to share—when they each show clear and consistent effort and enthusiasm, trading it back-and-forth to strengthen the bond. I believe in love shown through actions, not just words.
I’m going to end with that, as I’m feeling kind of spent for typing up a post, right now—but I’m sure I’ll be energized through good conversation, so I hope to hear from somebody who maybe thinks they can connect with me! Thank you so much for giving my message your time.

Hi, i live across form a girl who’s 25 she has an array of mental health issues and I believe she is definitely diagnosed with Npd but isn’t telling me the details, mental health comes to check on her once a week and if she doesn't comply with seeing a psch she gets locked up in a ward.
she will talk to me for weeks and months on end multiple times a day by messenger like we are best friends she gets annoyed if i don't reply in a timely manner and queries me about it.
she then (and she has done this a few times now) out of nowhere completely discards me and ghosts for no apparent reason this can go on for weeks to months.
she then tries to hoover and is very erratic and forceful about it, like she will come out anytime she hears my door and invade my personal space and keep trying to talk to me, once she stood in the rain outside my house in a manipulative attempt until i spoke to here again.
There is not mention of ‘sorry i didn't talk to you’ she generally just says i was ignoring her. And i just get that typical message of ‘hey’ randomly.
most disturbingly when i first met her she kept saying she had multiple personalities and then when she found out i have autism she completely started copying me to the point she studied the diagnostic criteria and said she went for diagnosis and was diagnosed (probably a lie). Then she will go on to project and say that i have borderline personality and i dont have autism and she is more autistic than me or whatever else.
she like fakes these stims which looks similar to a person faking Tourettes.
she also has some sort of sexual obsession with me, last time i went to her house she kept trying to spread her legs open and flash me and its like she is delusional enough to think im interested in her and she has some sort of control over me with her sexuality.
also she keeps saying that she is a ‘energy vampire, and sucking my energy’ and most strangely she keeps fingering items in front of me which is find so incredibly strange and disturbing, last time i was around her i just left her house and haven't returned since. Or she tries to set off my sensor6 overload by being loud on purpose ruffling items to be annoying then smirking about it.
She is overweight and not very physically attractive and she constantly makes underhanded comments about my appearance. Saying untrue things like I’m old looking or I’m hairy or i have visible veins she also keeps saying my cat will die soon or if i have nice items she will keep repeating they will break or whatever else.
i can see she has people she keeps as supply usually when they give her a-lot of supply she stops talking to me but then will hoover again I guess when the supply is low.
one boyfriend she says she keeps around purely to feed her cat while she is away shes very abusive to him and doesn't have sex with him but he is endlessly led on and he is for example not allowed to sit on a chair at her house because he is ‘too fat’. She fakes pregnancies and miscarriages all sorts of things.
or her aunt comes to stay for a few weeks and she completely stops talking to me and i can hear her talking badly about me where her aunt was turned into a flying monkey and very hostile then seems confused when realises I am nice.
She has this superior attitude like she is some sort of master manipulator and that I don't understand what’s she’s doing.
Also she claims a sob story about abuse but I hinestly believe she made up the whole thing to the point her family member she accuses had a heart attack from stress, and he was never prosecuted or anything so ot shows the level of devotion she has to her lies and schemes and trying to ruin people, whiere i have tried my best to stay on her good side.
i can see that people at her work are petrified of her she films them on her phone if they do anything wring and then blackmails them. Like she was on her phone filming a girl who checked her phone when she should have been working, and she laughs about this.
she makes endless fake email addresses and contacts various organisations complaininng and my land lord from multiple accounts.
she lies and says i am her partial carer to keep her out of institution.
last time she ghosted me i sent her an email saying she needs help mentally and has npd and a few helpful links and told her i don't want anything to do with her then blocked her.
i don't have really any other option because the ghosting realy affects me mentally and its crazy how she can split off like i dont exist for absolutely no reason then act so erratic and obsessed with me again
she constantly stares out her window at me.
ive been worried she will start trolling and make fake complaints in retaliation, she really triangulates and makes up so much lies about me and i can hear her talking on the phone to various supplies painting me in a bad light.
i dont know how to navigate living across from her any advuce would be great i am thinking about writing to mental health services to inform them what is going on with her so she cant lash out at me she makes endless complaints to our land agent and its a possibility i could loose houseing, also somebody stole numberplates off my car which i have to replace and she kept saying she was surprised it wasnt towed but i thik she has been making complaints to the council to try and get it towed things like that.
She is meant to be on antipsychotics and i know she doesnt take them. She also evades being put on the monthly a injection of the medicine by saying she gets a birth control shot which she doesnt even get. So i could let mental health know this and also that i do not provide care for her in any way.
What do you think i should do how should i handle this now ive told her i dont want anything to do with her, as I’m now awaiting the smear campaign, narc rage and retaliation events for this.
thanks for advice

I listened to the Q&A of season 3 is always good to get somethings close to right. It is also nice to learn about things I didn’t notice on my first round. Glad I am not the only one obsessed with Elias voice 😂

• Season 4 Trailer

How am I in season 4 already? Also that trailer my sweet Martin. I am glad despite all he is still sweet.
I don’t know how many days/weeks have been since the mission. Have any of them tried reading statements aloud to him to make him better? Interesting that the non neutral record turned on.

• MAG 121: Far Away

OMG the dream guy! The one that predicted Gertrude’s death. And at the end of that episode John said that he hoped he would be warned beforehand. Also that sentient tape recorder.
He is fucking death? OMG 😱 JOHN NEEDS TO CHOOSE? 😭😭😭😭 but what will he become if he chooses to not give in to the end. Like what does it mean to give in fully to the eye?
Oh no spiders 😭😭😭 is this the season of the web isn’t it? 😭😭😭😭 but also why can the spider request something of someone related to the end?
How does this show just keep getting better and better

• MAG 122: Zombie

I love how much Georgie cares about John without it being implied she still has feelings for him. Just pure friendship, you only get angry at people you really care about
So we know Georgie has seen death. But maybe she is touched somehow. And that is why she can identify the avatar?
SIX MONTHS!!!???
Ohhhhh… is this about the lonely?
“Dusty old white men thinking about existence” 😂☠️ best definition of philosophy
Love how sutil it is how John changes as reading the statement is curing him almost.
“WHAT DID HE DO TO MARTIN?” The tone change in John!!!! I am sure many people in the fandom squealed at that

• MAG 123: Web Development

Yeah this is not just an emotional breakdown… there has to be something more going on
When Gerry talked about the Lucase’s he mentioned something about the lonely. If the other entities have taken notice of the beholding… and are attacking why would Elias appoint someone related to another entity? Now that I think about it on season 1 they mentioned they were patrons… why would they support the institute?
He said “THE ARCHIVIST” not “head archivist” subtle but probably important change
“Spindly” and website… spiders isn’t?
“Welcome to tory Britain” I love how they make obvious their social justice beliefs but in very subtle ways.

• MAG 124: Left Hanging

Omg that interaction with Martin was heartbreaking 😭

• MAG 125: Civilian Casualties

Leg surgery in the institute to save Melanie of a potential slaughter infected bullet was not on my bingo card

• MAG 126: Sculptor's Tool

Martin talking to the tape recorders like they are pets 😭
LMAO the shade towards the archive having archivists with no knowledge how to archive. Though it is by now clear Gertrude disorganized on purpose.
Whatever Lukas told Martin must have been heavy to convince him isolating himself would be for the best
Also of course Elias wanted a ritual and the lonely said something about “FIRST” Lukas doesn’t seem to be referring to the Lonely ritual but more like winning against someone on this race. And I don’t know does it mean because Lukas thinks Elias was wrong he then is trying to make the lonely one happen quickly to beat someone else?
This thing about Lukas not being good with technology will be important later I think

• MAG 127: Remains to be Seen

WHAT IS HAPPENING
Lol the recorder did just appear put of nowhere 😂
They never found Daisy’s body… is that perchance the way Elias thinks he can help defend the institute?

• MAG 128: Heavy Goods

“statement extracted from subject” ☠️
Is very interesting how this statement went through hundreds of years. And of course it did the had much detail because it most feel like that to someone who has lived that long.

• MAG 129: Submerged

Remember when in episode 1 John said he couldn’t stand Martin and he should be fired 😭 and now he is like “I miss you”
The thing about anchors is they seem to be tied to something sentimental. That italy episode the girl thought of her mother. The knife belonging to the grandfather. I am not saying it needs to be a romantic thing just saying it needs to matter. So what is John going to use?
The thing about the buried ritual sounds like the episode with the pit… is that the same?
John entering his pining emo era

• MAG 130: Meat

I keep wondering how far had Gertrude gone into not being “human” or letting the beholding in… or was Gertrude like Bezira, someone that was able to stop all this because she was very resourceful and cold? Like this woman has stopped what…. 4 apocalypses? The buried, the spiral, flesh, also desolation???
Has John not noticed every time he tries to go at it alone it doesn’t go well? But this does show how different he is from Gertrude. Gertrude even sacrificed his own assistants. I am not sure John likes Daisy that much and he here he goes on his way of doing something incredibly stupid
Also don’t trust the web

• MAG 131: Flesh

The sound effects are so disturbing. Which I know is the point.
“the only way was to betray my trust and destroy any other sense of safety” ☠️
It was so hard to understand this episode because I am an ESL
Is all weird how now they are not friends with the spiral but less antagonistic? Lol 😂 apparently allies?
There was this mention that both Melanie and Martin fled. Melanie came back with the knife. Is this where Martin made the deal with the devil?

• MAG 132: Entombed

The static noise increased… and then John said “no need for that I am willing”
OBVIOUSLY SHE IS NOT OK JOHN FOR FUCKS SAKE
“Is this like all your other plans” ☠️☠️☠️☠️
Is very sort of precious when John asks for consent to use his powers
Another thing that will need some explaining is… once they started at the archives they couldn’t be fired or like leave for extended periods of time. But Melanie was being claimed by the slaughter and Daisy by the hunt. But they are connected to the beholding. So how does having connections with more than one work?
Specially both were claimed before getting to the institute but Martin started his connection to the lonely after
I need the archivist team to start bonding on therapy sessions not under traumatic circumstances 😂
But maybe John doing this will win some trust back from Bazira and Melanie
The tape recorders seem to have helped bring John back. Maybe the rib was not necessary 😂 at this stage the recorders are more meaningful to him than a rib so it makes sense

• MAG 133: Dead Horse

“police brutality lawsuit?” The way I laughed 🤣☠️ as someone who lives in the US I lived for that comment. John should be allowed to be funny more often
It is low key hilarious that the hunt loves the chase so much it won’t let it’s own ritual end
I love when John brings real history into the episodes
I will give Bazira a point. John was not there when they were attacked by the flesh. And now she is in charge of protecting everyone from another possible siege

• MAG 134: Time of Revelation

“The future without us” new fear has entered the chat. I find this interesting because “the end” is almost like God like ending. Like God will end our world. And this is described as someone else will come to replace us. Less godlike I guess. Interesting critique of the hubris of humanity actually.
I said on my notes earlier that was not sure what people meant when they said John was a better archivist. Gertrude did have powers like this stament says but unclear then why John is allegedly better. Specially given Adelar just said she was gifted at the dream thing.
I love how Lukas has this static surrounding everytime he speaks. Is that because Martin is not fully allowing him in? Because the static happens with John when he resists his powers
GERTRUDE ALSO FREAKING STOPPED THE LONELY LOL That woman kept herself busy.
Also I WAS RIGHT MARTIN SOLD HIS SOUL FOR HELP
This is not a contradiction more like different information between two people
Basira said that she thought the Beholding was the only one that had not attempted the ritual and that is why the are being attacked.
Lukas said the web and then end, but didn’t mention the beholding
My guess is the discrepancy will become important later.
If the web doesn’t care about her ritual maybe that is why she wanted to help John wake up. But I don’t trust spiders
“Bullheaded archivist hell bent on self destruction” ☠️☠️☠️☠️
“Thankfully I did not agree to protect your friends from their own idiocy” ☠️☠️☠️☠️
OMG LUKAS HAS ME CACKLING “grubby jesus” “pet murderer” “this little soap opera you call an archive” ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
OMG MARTIN IS THE ONE WHO PILED THE TAPE RECORDERS I AM GOING TO CRY

• MAG 135: Dark Matter

FINALLY MANUELA’S SIDE OF THE WHOLE DAEDALUS
Reyna and Elias were FRIENDS WTF
This is a delightful way of merging the fear of dark with the way dark matter works scientifically. Like it did create a super philosophically interesting episode
Like again why should we trust Lucas when he was helping the dark before? So financed the darks attempts, finance the institute. A lot of cooperation from the lonely
I mean yes John was not great during the unknowing. Still why does the archivist have to do this and not Elias. Why didn’t Elias become the archivist then if he is so good at the beholding thing
Also why does Elias insists on Basira being a detective? Nothing Elias does seems to be random. Also I know he is so evil but still find his voice so sexy 😂

• MAG 136: The Puppeteer

OMG the layers on this episode. Trying to put my thoughts in order.
Ohhh Anabelle Caine I had to go through my notes but she is the girl from the crazy psych experiment. Shivers spiders
Are John and Daisy becoming friends? 🥹
Looool calling him out and telling him to get over himself.
He really needed that though. Someone to show him some friendship. He used to he so insufferable at the beginning of the series and I have such a soft spot for him now
OMG Melanie she is so traumatized but the exchange with the therapist was funny.
“So tell me Melanie, what brings this irrational fear or recorders”

• MAG 137: Nemesis

Something I just noticed… Gertrude never calla herself the archivist or head archivist. WHYYYY and yes took me too long to realize this. This woman puzzles me so much.
The 13 entities fighting each other to fonosh the ritual and destroying each other’s chances like petty siblings. Though the eye has stopped at least 4-5 of them. So is the eye just better at stopping them because it “can see”
The only other mention of someone else stopping one is the slaughter stopping the stranger.
Let’s go through the list and who has attempted a ritual based on what WE HAVE HEARD AS RECORD ON THE ARCHIVES

1. The Beholding ❌
2. The Desolation ✅ (Gertrude stopped)
3. The Lonely ✅ (Gertrude stopped, also is the lonely ritual the one in the spaceship?)
4. The Dark ✅ (or at least so far keeps trying)
5. The Buried ✅ (Gertrude stopped)
6. The Stranger ✅ (Team Archives stopped)
7. The hunt ✅
8. The end ❌
9. The web❌
10. The vast (I don’t remember this ritual mentioned yet) ❌
11. The flesh ✅ (Gertrude stopped)
12. The spiral ✅ (Gertrude stopped)
13. The corruption (still unclear to me if what happened at the institute in S1 was the attempt at a ritual or we just know it has been attempted per Lucas’ comment)
14. Extinction ⁉️

This bit of info about Gerry’s father is weird. I may have missed some info but ok so connection to the eye… maybe worked for the institute? How did he ended up partnering with with crazy Mary. Mary did say her mother worked for the institute though

• MAG 138: The Architecture of Fear

This interaction was so interesting for many reasons.

1. Elias is such a punchable asshole
2. Elias speaking of the apocalypse like if it were an ex
3. Seems like there is some sort of consent? That is expected when joining an entity. He said he cannot play mind games just hope Martin makes the right decision
4. That also tells me that even though he says Lukas is saying the truth he doesn’t agree with how he wants to stop it
5. Interesting that someone like the beholding took so long to accept extinction exists as their currency is knowledge
6. Martin is trying to protect John and is being such an idiot about it but omg my queer heart
7. Elias did give Lukas control of the institute, seems like they sort of respect each other. They certainly have an interesting dynamic and for sure there has to be more history behind them

Reyna has been alive for a long time… no reason why Magnus wouldn’t be right?
The institute built over the prison in an attempt to control the powers? Maybe that is what Lukas wants to do
There is a fanfic here about John listening to tapes made by Martin pouring his heart out to him

• MAG 139: Chosen

Sure let’s just DIY a prophet… like lmao
OK the hilltop road story now makes more sense. Seems partly Gertrude is to blame for binding Agnes to the tree if I understood correctly.
Their description of the hell that is raising a child is so accurate 😂
But also this side of the story is missing the tree being torn and how that affected all. But also what did Gertrude do besides the tree.
Also some mention about Gertrude having some protection?
You cannot convince me the answer is something about the feelings outside of fear. More than once empathy, or love or love coded anchors have saved the day.
“Every other avatar gets their feelings burned out of them but I need to sit in mine” talking about Martin AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 😍😍😍

• MAG 140: The Movement of the Heavens

I loooooove when they include the history bits. This episode leaves me with more questions than answers though
Also the shade towards Newton ☠️

• MAG 141: Doomed Voyage

I really love John’s character development. In many ways he is a softer better person. But I love they are not shying away about how these powers corrupt or hurt others

• MAG 142: Scrutiny

Must be so frustrating to Martin that he sacrificed so much for John to make stupid decisions he cannot protect him from 😂

• MAG 143: Heart of Darkness

Something still missing here because, when they tried the ritual it was not the right eclipse according to Basira. In a past recording Gertrude said something about being more proactive. Did that meant maybe giving them bad intel about the eclipse and do something that triggered even if she was death? But I mean they had a literal astrophysicist in their team it doesn’t make sense they got the date wrong.
So the way John sees Helen has been interesting to me for sometime. He didn’t know her, it was just a woman that came to give a statement.
But I think in some way John took it personally that Michael took her from the Institute. Like an affront. Because he was always so angry when Michal said anything about her or after she became the spiral.
I also love how the spiral is chaotic af and was like maybe Michael was TOO CHAOTIC 😂 so now Helen is like a coworker? I mean I guess if the spiral cannot retry their ritual in many hundreds of years, it is in their best interest to stop the other entities from winning?

• MAG 144: Decrypted

“leave me alone for good” the lonely is getting to him 😭😭😭 Martin
But Martin is choosing the lonely to protect others out of love because he has the biggest heart
BUT I DON’T WANT THE LONELY TO TAKE MARTIN. MARTIN ❤️ JOHN FOREVER

• MAG 145: Infectious Doubts

Gertrude is such a terrible person lol I am starting to feel Elias was justified
I know on the end of season 3 they were saying John was disappointing and Elias said so to. But John has been at this for barely 3 years I mean Gertrude must have been also maybe a little bit (not as much) of a mess at the beginning?
This is how you can tell I write and pause and write again 😂 Gertrude is 100% jaded
There is no way you can convince me to stop thinking that the web is like the most villanous of all

• MAG 146: Threshold

If does seems that John has only fed like that at his weakest.
Going to hilltop road is an incredibly stupid idea. I should go to sleep. Ir I end up doing one more I will keep continuing lol and I have to teach tomorrow

• MAG 147: Weaver

SHE SAID TO KEEP THINGS “ON TRACK” THE WEB HAS A MASTER PLAN THAT HAS NOT BEEN REVEALED. If they are trying to stop extinction this season does this make the web the big villain of the series?
Also Anabelle was a sociopath way before the web got to her. the worst villians are the parents that hate their children
“I don’t want to stop” did that she say addiction is one of the strongest forms of control?

• MAG 148: Extended Surveillance

Bazira kicking and punching Elias was so satisfying 😂
Daisy is still human though
“Talk to him” I am 100% sure wanted to cry because that felt like a knife to the heart
I feel a little called out 😂 I was like yeah yeah spooky statement BUT WHAT ABOUT METAPLOT AND THE NEXT EPISODE

• MAG 149: Concrete Jungle

Wait wait… are the medical students from season one related to the extinction?
John talked a lot about Martin to Melanie 🥹

• MAG 150: Cul-De-Sac

If you know it is a risk everyone can have WHY DONT YOU GO AND KISS MARTIN YOU IDIOT
Something my brain just realized… some episodes ago Elias said Gertrude was very good at obfuscating things (or was it Lukas) not the spiral is confusion but without rhyme or reason. Obfuscation is purposeful, she even bought different types of labeling systems to make the archives disorganized. Leitner said that Elias killed her because she wanted to destroy the archives. But Arthur talked about her as if she really was super into the beholding. WHAT IF SHE CHANGED SIDES TO THE WEB AND THAT IS WHY ELIAS KILLED HER. That is why she was making a mess of things etc
Also I feel everyone is being so unfair to John (how I have come around)

• MAG 151: Big Picture

Simon Fairchild! The awful dude of the vast
“I lost a bet” 😂☠️
I really like this guys voice and how he is characterizing Fairchild.
“Apocalyptic midwifery” 😂☠️
Ngl Fairchild makes some solid points
LMAO 🤣 Martin being like ARE YOU TELLING NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING 😂 “grand cosmic joke” indeed
“John found the tapes you made for him” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and he is just waiting for Martin to come to him! 😭😭😭😭😭

• MAG 152: A Gravedigger's Envy

The entities feed on fear but also interesting how their servants/cultists are not afraid of that fear. They even sound loving of the harm they cause
Ok John just said exactly what I wrote above lol
John still sounds rational and like himself-ish. But one can say the same about Lukas, Fairchild or Elias. even Helen feels humanish (though less each time)
This convo with Helen got so philosophical lol

• MAG 153: Love Bombing

So before this podcast i never saw myself as a horror girly. I think is because I had just been exposed only to jump scare horror. But I have always been fascinated by cults. So I love how this is intersecting here
Yep I mean we all knew Julia and crazy vampire hunter would comeback eventually. If only the eye had warned John a little sooner
Daisy 😭😭 I don’t want to lose Daisy to the hunt.
John has become so caring to everyone his little monster heart has grown so much
I love the critique of the police and how they protect the bad ones

• MAG 154: Bloody Mary

Ohhhh such an interesting twist. The eye trying hard to keep John away from some tapes. And John having strength to defy that
Now that I think about it what did John study at university?
We know the taperecorders are not neutral. Like if the archives really didn’t want this knowledge to be known eventually then why they didn’t stop recording? Because the eye couldn’t help itself on having such a good meal?
“Fuck” is the only way to react to the information about blinding yourself.
A way for “us to leave” “you and me… escape” 😭😭😭 this is the closest thing to confession of his love to Martin on tape.
I AM NOT OK! I AM NOT OK AFTER THIS EPISODE
If this is the rest of the season I won’t be able to take meaningful notes

• MAG 155: Cost of Living

Very hypocritical of Bazira to let Daisy hunt to keep her alive but being super angry at John for feeding
I knew where this was going but hope it wasn’t. As a mom this episode will haunt me
Good for you Melanie! I am guessing Georgie will take care of her

• MAG 156: Reflection

“I think I still care that he hears my voice” 😭😭 why is that breaking me
Has Martin really gone on the deep end or he is playing Lukas
I AM NOT DOING OK I am glad my teaching duties are over for the semester to have the time to binge finish this

• MAG 157: Rotten Core

A fucking pandemic? I just looked at the release date “October 10, 2019” ☠️☠️☠️☠️ no comments
“And no eyes may see you slumber”
I cannot believe I am saying this but he needs to go find Elias

• MAG 158: Panopticon

How is Lukas saying stuff like “very good” to Martin sound so web like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Watching over my institute” HOLY SHIT ELIAS IS MAGNUS
Gertrude chose to stay human that explains a lot actually
OMG OMG He cannot let John die Martin wont
Daisy 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Bazira and Daisy love each other so much
“John came back so suddenly I had a reason” 🥹🥹🥹🥹
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING
John opening himself to follow the lonely is playing directly into what Elias wants
This cliffhanger should be illegal

• MAG 159: The Last

“Tell me your story Peter Lukas” OH MY FUCKING GOD
A FUCKING BET A MOTHERFUCKING BET
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH 🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️

• MAG 160: The Eye Opens

OMG The banter between Martin and John ❤️❤️❤️
He sounds so fucking healthy and happy when starting to read the statement. With a smile on his face
I AM NOT OK! I AM NOT OK!

3 weeks ago, out of nowhere, my wife (f40) told me (m36) she wanted a divorce. Now, this came out of fucking left field and literally no warning signs. Like most others, I expected some kind of fight, infidelity, SOMETHING...ANYTHING....Though that really isnt the kind of person my wife is. To be honest, it was a bunch of small stuff that, though I dont believe warrants a divorce, she clearly believes life would be easier without being married to me. Needless to say, I was/am a mess. I do not understand how she could say these things since we went from living in a rather sketchy apartment in the iffy part of town, to a house in the suburbs. We had a dog, financial safety, I never limited what she could/couldn't do, I tried to be there for her and give her space when she asked for it; but always tried to be there for her as a partner should. I got comfortable and complacent. I didn't take her out on dates as much as I should have, or carry a proportionate amount of the house work at times; she also slipped and we covered each other when we could. But, after three weeks of her being gone, I have begun accepting this personal hell and asking myself
"Do I really want her back and if so, why?" "If we reconcile, what do I want out of the relationship moving forward?" "If/When the divorce comes, what do I want to come of that process?"
I am posting here because I do not have a support network. I am the living embodiment of persisting through struggles to survive, and part of those survival habits are why this relationship is in jeopardy. the only saving grace of this entire situation is that we have both talked about this and, should she/we decide to pull the trigger, it is explicitly written and agreed on that nothing will be a surprise, and we will not fuck each other over. The past 10 years married (12 together) haven't all been sunshine and roses, but she was the woman I was ready to die with.
I am not okay, I put on the face for everyone because I have to, but this is my own personal hell. I am telling myself that if this goes through, that I will be free in ways I havent been in a long time, but at what cost ya know? The only thing getting me through this is the idea of what I will accomplish afterwards. Yes, I will be losing the woman I love, yes, I will be losing probably the best dog I have ever had the privilege of raising, yes, I will be giving up financial security, and even the home that we built together, but should this go through, even though I absolutely hate myself, I will make myself better. I will get back in shape, I will try to experience life a bit more, I might even take another job outside of the state and see about moving to the east coast; not like I have anything tethering me here.
I know there are people on here that are having a much, MUCH, worse divorce that I am going through, ones with vengeance, infidelity, kids, etc. Stay strong, my heart cries for all of you, and I hope that one day peace will find you.

I met my girlfriend almost a year ago - she's amazing and I love her with my entire heart. She's funny, interesting, clever, and beautiful. I'd do anything for her, and I mean that. She is, however, admittedly, terrible with money, and has no desire to build a better life for herself. I work 7 days a week in 2 different jobs and make enough to pay rent, save, and enjoy myself a little bit, alongside doing my masters at university. I also invigilate exams and do bits of cash in hand work when I have some spare time. I had an overdraft through a student bank account, and was -£2000 in debt as of recently, and managed to claw myself out of it through hard work.
I'm burnt out, I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water trying to stay on track with all these responsibilities. I work a job that keeps me outside all day, physically active (around 20 kilometres walking/running a day Mon-Fri), and have a second job on the weekends that is more chill but still requires me to run around all the time fixing stuff.
My girlfriend works a lot of hours, for very poor money. She's skilled in what she does, but works 14 hour shifts, and her take home pay is incredibly small considering what she has to do. Essentially, she's killing herself working so hard for very limited returns. We've had a couple of conversations, very gently, about her finding a job that is less stressful and better paid (which she could get easily), but she will not leave her current job in care for autistic adults as she enjoys it a lot. I've suggested several places where I know people who would hire her on the spot, but this is what she wants to do. Fair play to her for it, but it's coming with a financially detrimental effect.
I'm worried to be honest, she owes me around £1000 for the rent from last and this month, and I don't even know where she spends it all. In a perfect world I want to marry this girl, but I'm worried about combining finances with someone who cannot understand the value of money and has no regard for how stressful it is for me to be covering for her til her next paycheque. This isn't the first time this has happened. I've owned businesses in the past that made enough money for me to take her out to do things that I wouldn't have previously been able to do, as well as lend her money to pay her rent. These had to close over covid, and I admit I was irresponsible with the money I had made. Lesson learned, I can only move on. The money I had made and saved from this is gone. I now take better precautions to save because I don't want to go through that again.
What do I do here? Our relationship dynamic is that I eventually want to earn enough so she doesn't have to work - this is something we've discussed. I want her to be a stay at home Mum to our eventual children, but I'm not being helped anywhere near enough financially in order for us to get to that point.
If I deserve to be slaughtered for this then please do slaughter me. I am genuinely puzzled about what to do about this. Should I try to convince her to find that better paying job so we can both relax as we get older, or should I just move on?
TLDR: Girlfriend is bad with money and works a job that doesn't pay as well as something else she could get. I'm bearing the brunt of the cost for her financial mistakes, and covering her paycheque to paycheque. I am burnt out and tired, and need to know what I could do next.