Lamictal and dreams

I have a strange issue where I go through these periods of waking up too early - like 6-7 hours after bed and it kills me because I KNOW I need sleep.
Unquestionable N2 diagnosis in 2016, dealt with a loooot of imposter syndrome and have been medicated consistently since 2021.
Basically I wake up early, crave more sleep and lie there in that weird REM/awake zone, but everytime I start to drift off my arms and legs get so uncomfortably tingly and spasm. I know this is a rem/sleep paralysis kind of thing, and doesn't feel like RLS because it doesn't last. My body just jerks awake every time I start falling back asleep and it's TORTURE. plus I get all these very confusing lucid dreams just in my room and it's allllll messed up haha.
I take Armodafinil and Adderall XR 20mg (I take that one in the afternoon and don't have trouble falling asleep bc I sleep around 1am). I'm also on Lexapro and Lamictal for BP and just stopped Wakix and Sunosi a few days ago, but this has been an issue my whole life.
Lexapro 20mg morning, Armodafinil 150 morning, Lamictal 150 morning and 100 around 2pm (it's activating for me), Adderall around 12-1
Thankfully I know to take long naps to make up for it, but it's really inconvenient and feels awful. I wake up not only feeling like a groggy human piece of garbage (lol) but I know it exacerbates everything else and makes work really difficult.
I feel like I'm an outlier here. Anyone else struggle with this?
Side bar: I'm generally very good and lifestyle treatment. I eat low carb, intermittent fasting bc it works great for me, no food 3-4 hrs before bed, strict sleep hygiene with extreme, goody blue light glasses everyone makes fun of me for and no screen time, I do meditation and yoga and exercise and all the things. So it's not anxiety or anything like that. Pls don't tell me to cut carbs haha I already do.

I am 20F, and a college student. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the day I turned 18, and have been treated for it since I was 15 (my dad has it and I’ve always shown symptoms). I have been taking my meds for 5 years (lamictal, latuda, prozac). As a bit of a backstory… my first suicide attempt was last November, after my birthday. It was in response to my then abuse boyfriend breaking up with me. I took my entire bottle of Prozac and overdosed (I was told by doctors if I would’ve taken 10 more, I wouldve died).
Ever since, my life has not been the same. I quite literally can not function without my boyfriend, I don’t miss him, I miss the stability I had for two years of my life. EVERYTHING is different now. Every. Single. Thing. Waking up in the morning is my daily reminder that my suicide attempt failed. It’s humiliating.
In the start of 2024 in college I was introduced to cocaine for the first time. It was a social thing, but later became a daily thing. I got laced with fentanyl because I wasn’t careful, and ended up hospitalized. (I was fine within a few hours, just throwing up and rejecting the drugs in my system). My parents obviously found out through hospital bills, and they dragged me out of school immediately, made me come home, and demanded rehab. I somehow begged them out of it, given I don’t think I have an addiction. It was two weeks I was clean, now im back to using everyday. I can live without it, but knowing it makes me feel better, I use it. I’m trying so hard to not purchase any again, and just finish the bag I have.
I am unmedicated (for the absolut first time in my life) and struggling so badly. My parents want rehab, but I am fucking terrified. I’ve always been better at figuring things out by myself. I’m having issues with self esteem and boys. Ever since my ex and I broke up, everything has just been fucked.
I am so incredibly suicidal. To me, cocaine is better than death. That’s a shitty mindset, I know, but to me it’s true. I am in college for english and have dreamt of being an author since I was a toddler. For the first time in my life, I don’t care about my dreams.
Another HUGE issue I am fighting is the feeling that no one will ever love me. Boys are assholes, I just always seem to get entangled with the wrong ones. I don’t deserve to be loved. It’s just all I have ever wanted.
I don’t recognize myself. I am such a good person. I love people so deeply. But I am disgusted with who I have become. I’m stuck between wanting my old self back, and just wanting to end my suffering. I don’t have any plans or anything, but suicide is all I think about.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel like it’s over. If anyone relates to even the tiniest part of this, please comment. I’m truly at a loss.

I am very curious to understand more about your journey with Lamictal. What was your dosage titration like? Do you feel like it's the right dosage? Any side-effects both positive and negative? I could go on and on with questions but I imagine you understand.
Personally I was introduced to Lamictal after Seroquel was not handling the depressive episodes. I was told Lamictal would help fill that gap. It's been a very interesting journey. For example, I've never had a "psychotic" episode prior, but that isn't all bad. Mostly just auditory hallucinations and losing time. One of the tougher side effects is dreaming. Everything is so insanely vivid that I have to go back through my emails/texts/etc to have some idea what really happened and what was imagined. It has led to some awkward conversations. The most notable effect has been the ability to feel. I know I'm part zombie at this point and I don't care.
Just curious about your journey. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more specifically about meds and dosages.

This ex FP (strictly platonic) that I have hurt last year and just really fucked things up with is haunting me. It doesn't make much sense as she's not dead and she's not angry at me. She doesn't holde a grudge. Yet whenever someone brings me up in a conversation with her, she will have no problem telling them she doesn't care about me. Personally "I don't care" apparently doesn't necessarily mean about ME but I think its obvious it is me she is referring to.
I have nightmares about her at least twice a week. At best I just see her and mentally freak out-at worst, well...she taunts me. My last dream was just her cussing me out over instagram DM's (she blocked me everywhere, but she made a spam account on instagram and must have forgotten to block me, like I said she is long over what I did she just doesn't give a crap about me anymore I could die and she wouldn't care) and the dream felt so fucking real when my mother woke me up from school i was RELIEVED. And as someone who relies on sleep 24/7 to escape and self regulate-I am NEVER really relieved when she wakes me, only pissed. I checked my instagram just to make sure it wasn't real, and it wasn't,
Honestly, again, I know she's not angry but the way she sees me now crushes me and this whole thing has been eating at me. Last year I've tried apologizing multiple times she wouldn't hear it. Her very existence is making me want to vomit and she was supposed to move out of town this year but things changed and she has a job in the same town i go to school in. I don't know where and I don't want to find out. Recently, someone who knows PRECISELY what i did to her and who was also very upset with me for a long time about it said my subconcious needs closure, and maybe I should apologize-IF I'm willing to bite the bullet . Meaning, my ex friends response might be hurtful. Apathetic, even cruel. But apparently if i can handle it i should go for it. (This was in an in-person scenario, I was never advised to do it online as i almost received a restraining order against me last year )
Honestly, I've googled best ways to apologize and EVERYONE says in person but ........I just can't. I can't even look at her after what I did. The last time I saw her was around this time last year.
I googled more and people said that apologies that cannot be in person should be best on a phone call because said person can hear your voice at least.
I hate phone calls. (Kinda has to do with me being autistic as well-i only ever have phone convos with family) I thought if I want to apologize I shouldn't wait to see her in person...if I see her in person I might just walk away very fast and not turn around. My idea is to send her a voice note on her insta spam account...
I remember just telling the person who gave me this advice "PLEASE tell me this is a bad idea"
For a long time I wanted to apologize
Only because I care about her (even though I know she doesn't care about me) and because I need to give a proper apology even if she doesn't respond. (Realistically, best case scenario is she listens to the voice recording and says nothing, or maybe just "okay"}
There's a decent chance she won't even open it-but I've never contacted her like that before. It was always written or texted words- useless "I'm sorry's".
This time will be different-except I'm shit scared.
I don't know..
Just...
SOMEONE tell me this is a bad idea..
Not because I expect her to validate me (i dont) but because i'm anticipating the potential pain that could come from this.
Honestly I just want her to listen to it.
Thing is...I don't have a plan. I don't have a plan at all. I'm just kinda gonna try and continue with my life (this is always in the back of my ehad though) and when I feel ready-I'll do it. Something might happen and trigger me into doing it-but I don't have a plan.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that all above options are bad ideas...this has been eating me up and while apologizing could be good for me I don't want anyone to be upset with me afterwards. (Was told not to contact her last year in April, things were shitty and this voice note isnt really initiating contact its meant to stand there alone.) Instagram only allows one message to a person you dont follow and then its up to the other person to allow u to send more. Anyways just kinda stressed out. I don't want ANYTHING from this proper apology except for her to listen. She can say "fuck you" she can ignore me, she can go tell her friends and gf (as much as that could potentially trigger me) but all my apologies have been petty "im sorry's" and manipulative BS that she didnt even read.
And it was all last year.
She's moved on-I haven't.
PLEASE FOR FUCKS SAKE tell me this is a stupid idea and that I'll be ruining everything and that I shouldn't do it...
Recently my lamictal was upped to 200.
Might be getting evaluated for depression bipolar and/or BPD.
Help me. This is killing me (and not just the whether to apologize part-all of it.)

hey y’all. 19 here.
i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 2 months ago, and i started taking lamictal and my doctor just raised it to 50 mg. it’s been an absolute lifesaver. the broken thinking i once had literally dissolved. i didn’t hate myself anymore and i slowly started like. breathing again.
my spring college semester has just ended, and i’m not going back for a bit so i can find myself. i don’t know why, but i just feel so good. i have a job i can actually work (receptionist, i’m very mentally ill and i have a chronic pain disorder that makes it impossible to stand or walk for over an hour), i have a girlfriend who says that she will be the breadwinner and make it so that i can invest myself in my creative endeavors and won’t need a regular job…i’ve been so elated with my life. i love my hair, i love my body, i love my life….im selling furniture that isn’t 100% me and replacing it with cheaper stuff that i can customize. i’m transforming my entire lower corner of my room to be my art studio. i’m chasing my dreams because for the first time, i feel alive again. i feel like i can! it’s wonderful. i’m just scared, is all. my decision to take a break from college, throwing out all the things i’ve held on out of guilt, old clothes that aren’t 100% me, and i’m investing in something that isn’t something as pivotal as education.
i’m happy, when i’m tired i feel excited, i sleep 4:30am-12:30pm, i’m doing all my hobbies again. i feel my heart rattling in my chest like i’m up walking around when i’ve been sitting down for hours. i don’t feel the drive i did when i had my first manic episode, but i’m happy. i don’t know what the baseline is, are people naturally entranced and enriched by their lives? are people normally this excited and nervous about their lives?????
i don’t know. i’m scared it’s too good to be true. either lamictal is working or easing me off my lexapro is putting me in emotional hot water. thanks for any help!

I'm heading to the EMU in a couple days and I'm freaked the fuck out about it. This on top of other incredible, unbelievable stress. On the one hand, I'm gonna get some real data on this. On the other hand, I'm terrified of nothing showing up and getting slapped with a PNES diagnosis, basically being told I have hysteria, and getting all my *other* neurological problems disregarded.
I can't work, I can't drive, I can't function. I have very little memory of my life. I have chronic dissociation and brain fog. I lose time, I get memory gaps. I got tons of deja vu since I was a little kid. I thought I could see the future in my dreams as a child. On a daily basis now I have deja vu, and nausea attacks that make me dry heave, vertigo, waves in my head, feeling like I'm in an elevator or a roller coaster, this feeling like wet cement in my head, this odd tingling in my sinuses that feels like I've been popped in the nose. I zone out, I have odd flashbacks, I get suddenly exhausted, sometimes I feel like I'm about to pass out, like I'm a zombie. I have gustatory and olfactory hallucinations, my stomach gets upset. I lose awareness in varying degrees. I constantly get myoclonic jerks and fasciculations, like literally constantly, at any given moment something is twitching. Sometimes I start rocking uncontrollably, or my arm and leg on one side begin kicking, or my eyes jolt around, or I tense up and feel like I'm about to start shaking. I see lights in my eyes at all times, and the patterns get worse when I have my episodes. I get bizarrely agitated, or I blow up. I've had experiences at the edge of sleep that I can only describe as "religious." I talk a lot in my sleep. I've developed sexsomnia. I sleepwalk and act out dreams when I'm stressed. That's only like half of what I experience constantly! Everything I read about TLE just sounds like me. While I understand it's mostly defunct, Geschwind syndrome seems to describe me to a T. Half of my favorite artists have TLE. There's a chapter in The Idiot where Dostoevsky just describes his subjective experience of a seizure, and it's precisely what I've experienced. His fucking notebooks, literal textbook examples of hypergraphia, look like mine from when I was a kid. Everyone I talk to with TLE, *my partner* with TLE, tells me they know exactly what I'm talking about. This shit has ruined my life since I was a little kid and it's just been treated as psychiatric the whole time. 20 years hasn't helped at all. I didn't even get to go to highschool, I just fell out of life by the time I was 14, playing catch-up since the second fucking grade. Everybody just *gave up* cuz nothing worked. I've tried CBT, DBT, EMDR, AIR, ketamine, neurofeedback (therapist said my brain looks weird on EEG btw!), two courses of TMS (which seem to have made things worse!), SGB, countless psychiatric meds of every class. Only things that helped significantly were things that are also used to treat seizures like klonopin, tranxene and lamictal. That and fucking mushrooms. Four mental health professionals told me my problem seems not to be psychological. I'm on my fourth and fifth neurologists. The one I saw last year told me I'm *too young* to experience this stuff and refused to listen to me, even after I (in a separate problem) lost motor function and got sent to the ER for stroke presentation. Just said it's all in my head, despite documenting months of episodes with consistent patterns. Hell, my partner got a TLE diagnosis because I was reading about it and urged them to see a neurologist since they experience most of the same things I do. They had to see multiple docs, they cleared an EEG, and only got diagnosed after blacking out and totaling their car on the freeway. I've been writing notes for over a year now and doctors seem generally uninterested, with the exception of this epileptologist who ordered the EMU.
I just barely trust doctors now. I'm freaked out to hell. I'm worried they're not gonna detect anything, which seems to happen very frequently, and seems to be a limitation of the current state of EEG technology. I'm worried I'm gonna get slapped with PNES, of which the existence seems dubious at best, and I'm going to have all my shit disregarded even after I've spent TWENTY YEARS treating it psychiatrically with no meaningful improvement. I feel like I'm fucking crazy. I've been *told* I'm crazy. I *believed* I'm crazy. I'd like to talk to more people with TLE. Compare experiences. Feel less insane. Commiserate about the harrowing ordeal of seeking neurological care. Hear what anyone has to say about lifelong misdiagnosis. Something. Because I feel like an island, like there's no other like me in the world. Plus I'm also just sort of pissed off I have to lay around in the hospital for a week, too.

Hi I take 150mg lamictal twice a day, and stick to it, i am very forgetful so maybe once or twice a month i miss a dose. With nearly a year, ( I am diagnosed 3 years in Christmas 2024), my dreams are extremely vivid, any topic they can be about, but after most I wake up upset. I do make a record of them and interestingly enough I can forget to lock my doors when I leave but I can remember my dreams. Im lead to believe from some internet searching that dreams can be vivid with epilepsy

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post.
So I recently got diagnosed with BP2 and have so many questions. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety ever since I was a child (started therapy when I was 10), but ever since starting antidepressants about 14 years ago my life has been pretty stable. I’ve had moments where I attempted to go off medication which resulted in pretty bad depressive/anxious episodes, so always came back to it. The thing is, almost nobody in my life would guess this about me because I always present as a super happy-go-lucky, outgoing person. From an early age this became my coping mechanism because I was made to feel burdensome if I brought up these bad feelings. But also, I do truly see myself as someone who is generally happy, although i’m sure the medication has something to do with that. So that’s confusing to me.
I recently went off Wellbutrin and have been sticking with Lexapro after getting diagnosed with ADHD last summer. In the past few months, I’ve struggled a lot with feelings of overstimulation, detachment, a sense of doom, and general sadness, which I’ve been trying to work on through therapy but not having a lot of success. I’ve been telling myself it’s a phase.
Anyways, one of the main things that happens after a very emotional or anxious episode is that I get pretty bad insomnia. I’ve had it go on anywhere from weeks to months at a time. Then, after a certain period, I’d go back to normal like nothing happened. This has probably only happened 5 times in my life, the most recent being the whole past month of January. That being said, my normal is going to bed super late and needing a ton of sleep. Also, I regularly have terrible, really gruesome nightmares, repeated dreams about family dying, and dreams where I’m full of rage and just can’t stop yelling and being angry.
The sleep pattern was what first got my psychiatrist thinking about Bipolar II, and then after exploring some more about my depressed state, spending habits, and the fact that I signed up for lots of different classes recently, said she believes I could have it. I’ve never questioned these things because they seem relatively normal to me. She prescribed me Lamictal, and after some debate, I started taking it yesterday.
I guess my question is…how do I know if this is bipolar or just depression? How do I know if this is the right or wrong thing? I feel confused and lost. In a way I’ve felt like a fraud my whole life because so many people don’t take me seriously if I tell them I’m depressed, and I feel like maybe they’re right and this diagnosis is an overreaction. It’s certainly something that I can’t share with a lot of people in my life because it would probably be invalidated. But at the same time, I’m questioning if maybe I’m being dramatic or am too sensitive and I led my psychiatrist astray.
I’m very new to this and a bit scared I guess. Not sure who to ask or turn to, so I ended up on Reddit :)
Appreciate any advice or insight, and I’m sorry for the massive post!

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post.
So I recently got diagnosed with BP2 and have so many questions. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety ever since I was a child (started therapy when I was 10), but ever since starting antidepressants about 14 years ago my life has been pretty stable. I’ve had moments where I attempted to go off medication which resulted in pretty bad depressive/anxious episodes, so always came back to it. The thing is, almost nobody in my life would guess this about me because I always present as a super happy-go-lucky, outgoing person. From an early age this became my coping mechanism because I was made to feel burdensome if I brought up these bad feelings. But also, I do truly see myself as someone who is generally happy, although i’m sure the medication has something to do with that. So that’s confusing to me.
I recently went off Wellbutrin and have been sticking with Lexapro after getting diagnosed with ADHD last summer. In the past few months, I’ve struggled a lot with feelings of overstimulation, detachment, a sense of doom, and general sadness, which I’ve been trying to work on through therapy but not having a lot of success. I’ve been telling myself it’s a phase.
Anyways, one of the main things that happens after a very emotional or anxious episode is that I get pretty bad insomnia. I’ve had it go on anywhere from weeks to months at a time. Then, after a certain period, I’d go back to normal like nothing happened. This has probably only happened 5 times in my life, the most recent being the whole past month of January. That being said, my normal is going to bed super late and needing a ton of sleep. Also, I regularly have terrible, really gruesome nightmares, repeated dreams about family dying, and dreams where I’m full of rage and just can’t stop yelling and being angry.
The sleep pattern was what first got my psychiatrist thinking about Bipolar II, and then after exploring some more about my depressed state, spending habits, and the fact that I signed up for lots of different classes recently, said she believes I could have it. I’ve never questioned these things because they seem relatively normal to me. She prescribed me Lamictal, and after some debate, I started taking it yesterday.
I guess my question is…how do I know if this is bipolar or just depression? In a way I’ve felt like a fraud my whole life because so many people don’t take me seriously if I tell them I’m depressed, and I feel like maybe they’re right and this diagnosis is an overreaction. It’s certainly something that I can’t share with a lot of people in my life because it would probably be invalidated. But at the same time, I’m questioning if maybe I’m being dramatic or am too sensitive and I led my psychiatrist astray.
I’m very new to this and a bit scared I guess. Not sure who to ask or turn to, so I ended up on Reddit :)
Appreciate any advice or insight, and I’m sorry for the massive post!

Has anyone here experienced a particularly nasty transition off of an SSRI? I had my diagnosis changed from MDD to BP2 about three weeks ago, and as a result my doc wanted to add lamictal to my drug regimen, and take out Vilazodone (which I never felt helped me much anyways). Since the appt, I've been titrating up on my lamictal and down on my vilazodone simultaneously. Yesterday I increased my lamictal and had my first day with no Vilazodone whatsoever, and it's been a fucking nightmare. I've had horrible headaches, rapid mood swings, sobbing out of nowhere, brain zaps, etc. The worst though, was last night. I had the most vivid and horrifying nightmares I've ever had. They were so vivid and had layers (think dream in a dream inception style) that I couldn't tell if I was actually awake or not once I finally woke up. When I did wake up, I was convinced that there was a shadow entity in my bedroom that was going to hurt me and my wife (carryover from the nightmare). I was able to talk myself down and chalk the weirdness up to the SSRI withdrawal, but I sat awake in bed with the lights on for the rest of the night, afraid to fall back asleep. I'm now terrified to go to bed tonight, which sucks because I know how important sleep is to my mental health. I took a small dose (5mg) of vilazodone this morning, since it was the dosage I've taken for the last week and was completely fine on, and I think I'm just going to have to either suck it up and power through or taper down the last 5mg really slowly.

So I started lamictal recently and have been experiencing what I can only describe as “Fever dreams.” For context, my dreams are typically vivid but follow a direction or plot, and I’m usually lucid in them. Now my dreams seem very disorganized and random, like the way they’re portrayed in movies/TV. It’s an absolute clown show at the midnight theatre, and it’s honestly a bit amusing. Anybody have a similar experience?

Helllo all,
I just started lamictal at 25mg and I’m getting extremely vivid dreams and insomnia where I keep waking up multiple times per night. Anyone else have this side effect and did it go away with time?
Thanks.

Hi everyone! I used to post on my old account, but I lost access, so I’m posting with my new account. I was diagnosed bipolar at the end of 2023, and they started me on Lamictal and titrated me to 100mg. It was effective, and then it wasn’t. I was having very big breakdowns at work (in a clinic). I work with my PCP (and he’s a close friend), so he would pull me into his office frequently to just talk. He didn’t know what to do, and my insurance didn’t cover my psychiatrist anymore (I still don’t have psychiatry coverage 😔). He didn’t know much about effectively treating the issues I was dealing with (derealization, dissociation, anger outbursts, suicidal thoughts, self-harm), so the best he could do was increase my Lamictal and adding Seroquel. I had a period where I slept maybe 5 hours in an entire week, so he added the Seroquel to give me some relief and help me sleep. We tried upping the Lamictal to 150mg, but that didn’t change much. I was still having hypomanic episodes and SEVERE depressive episodes. I was having such intense derealization that I couldn’t differentiate reality from dreams. I truly thought I wasn’t from this universe and was misplaced somehow. About a month ago, he increased me to 200mg Lamictal, and it has improved EVERYTHING. At first I thought for sure it was just hypomania making me feel happy, but a month later, I’m realizing this is just “normal” emotions. For the first time since I was 9, I haven’t had a single suicidal thought in a month. I used to have them every single day. The derealization is dramatically decreased (I’m still having an occasional episode). I’m just posting to let everyone that’s struggling know that it can take a long time to get things adjusted to your needs, but it’s possible. I would tell my PCP everyday that I’m a lost cause, there’s no fixing me, but he kept trying, and now I’m stable for the first time. Keep trying, everyone. You’ll get to where you need to be!

I stopped my meds last week. Cold turkey had a bad time and now I’m okay. Finally off lamictal and still taking Zoloft only 50mg. I did this last time nothing happened but this time cold turkey was so scary. Anyways I’m depressed I have adhd and anxiety. Oh and I guess a mood disorder. I’ve been anxious since I can remember. At 36 had my son with my high school sweetheart. Married in 2020. Bought our home, we both live remote and have good jobs. Raising our little guy. I have it all really. But after 2021 my mental health has gone down hill. Postpartum hit hard, I found out my brother who is 2 years younger than me sexually abused my niece. Mom and dad stood with him. I stood with my sister but it’s always just felt like this hit me so hard like she still kept contact with the them. I cut everyone off. My mom and I used to be so close. We are getting better. My dad won’t leave me alone. He wants me in his life but this has triggered flash backs and I think I was abused as a kid. Honestly idk I always blacked it out but now it’s starting to make sense. I woke up from my bunkbed eyes just adjusting when I realized my underwear around my ankles. I turn to quickly see his black Curley hair turn away fast I know I saw his eyes and then it goes blurry. When my Dads dad died my sister told me she had woken up with her underwear off and they were the only ones in the house. She said this to me at the same time we found out what my brother did. It’s kinda feels like a confirmation as to what I think and tried to forget happened. Honestly I don’t even know anymore… I also remember laying underneath my bunk bed eyes closed imagining or dreaming I was on a table and people were touching me?? This was when I was little I always have had those flashbacks in the back of my head but I always assumed it must have not been real maybe I dreamt it? I must have been like 5 or 6? Not sure but since my sister told me what she experienced I can’t help but think something happened. My dad has always been weirdly attached to me more than allll his kids. If always hear about how my dad went crazy over me when I was born. He didn’t love my sister because they had lost their bond when my dad came to the states and my mom stayed back in El Salvador with my sister then came to the states and by that time my sister had forgotten my dad and she only wanted my moms dad. I’m assuming that angered him idk but she was beat by him and I was treated like a princess. I was born here in the USA. Now all these memories are coming together like something not so pleasant since finding out my brother is a pedo and my parents protected him. Even to some point my sister felt bad for him. It’s 2024 now everyone’s kinda moved on seems like, family dynamics have changed but I am here still stuck in grief.
I went back on meds just to feel nothing And weed became an addiction for me
I’ve always been the “responsible” one or whatever feels like I’m a golden child.
I hate myself
I always have and it grew when I turned 13. I’ll be 30 in November and for the first time ever I really do feel suicidal. I’m not just emo anymore.
I quit my meds and seriously went into withdrawal. I’m better now but with just 50 of Zoloft and I just feel like they never even helped and alll the hurt I’ve ignored is knocking at my door and each panic attack gets scarier and I become more dissociative. I want to be alive for my son but now death just seems so inviting, the guild of what that would do to him is the only thing keeping me grounded. I really don’t want to be on meds. When I’m happy I’m so motivated and just nothing can stop me.
What do I sound like to you? What can I do

Ok idk what it is but lately my pure harm ocd has been TERRIBLE the past week and I just started lamictal 25mg a week ago like scarily bad I haven’t felt like this in so long. My np wanted to up the dose at I’m only on 25 mg but Im terrified of it getting worse I genuinly would probs end up going to the hospital if it intensifies anymore. I put off iop for a whole year and came to the point this past week that I need to do it just broke down to my mom I need to go in and ive never had it this bad before or come to the breaking point I need iop help as I’ve always deflected it which is not like me to feel that badly that I need outpatient help. Was genuinly considering going to a wlak in place. I had the issues before starting but it has been SO much worse. I take my dose at night and you know what I find extremely weird is that towards night time my ocd goes down significantly. It’s almost like the lamictal wears off during the day until I take it at night. 10 minutes after I take my night dose the ocd is bad again. I’ve had dreams of my intrusive thoughts and the seocnd I open my eyes I’m uncomfortable and have terrible harm ocd right away so I definately feel it’s the medication. I’m really dissapointed because my agoraphobia feels almost cured. So I tested it out and didn’t take my dose last night and what do you know? The pure harm ocd doesn’t bother me at ALL today I also feel way more happy and clear minded. My irritability and lashing out is back weirdly again so I KNOW it’s the medication. Wtf is going on? Is it the meds or just in my head? I also didn’t wake up with the crippling uncomfortableness or intrusive thoughts. Idk what to do bc I need it for my agoraphobia and panic but I can’t take a risk on upping the dose ugh. Has anyone has this issue? Also my np said 25 mg would not be doing that to me at all because it’s such a small dose but I trust myself and know this isn’t me. What should I do? Should I stop completely or up to 50? I didn’t take it last night and my np doesn’t respond to emails or texts so I have no one to help me besides my mom at the moment lol. I just don’t want to ruin a weeks progress but I also don’t want to keep feeling like that. Such a kind game

I just sent this list to my psychiatrist. I can only assume she will respond with telling me to stop and, yet again, try a different medication. Just curious if anyone thinks some of these things will improve with time, or are these just a clear sign that this is not the right medication for me. I also take 50mg of Lamictal, 20 to 40mg of Adderall, and 2mg of Guanfacine daily.
Nervousness / Anxiousness
Difficulty Falling Asleep / Winding Down for Sleep
Vivid Dreams (Yelling in my sleep, per my fiancée, who will wake me)
Difficulty Waking Up, Especially w/o Adderall (Sedated / Groggy Feeling)
Occasional High Blood Pressure
Tinnitus
Intermittent Headaches
Temperature Regulation Issues (Feeling Too Hot Mostly)
Difficulty Staying Still or Sitting for Long Periods without Restless Legs
Frequent bowel movements
Intermittent Nausea (which I was expecting)
Physically Uncomfortable / Unable to Relax
Difficulty Concentrating, Focusing, Staying On Task
Feeling Like I Need To Be Doing Something Most of the Time
Difficulty Quieting My Mind
Sudden Interest in Online Shopping
&
Intermittent Counting (Something I did when I was on Zoloft, Risperdal, & Depakote together about 10+ years ago)

I'm confused about a couple of of aspects of ER treatment, tl;dr at bottom.
30F, 5', morbidly obese and working on it. GERD, cPTSD, depression, migraines, and papilledema. IIH diagnosed in hospital. Taking welbutrin, lexapro, prilosec, lamictal, sumatriptan as needed, and now diamox.
I was walking in a parking garage, got really dizzy and disoriented, and fell. Didn't hit my head or go unconscious, but still too dizzy to walk. I called 911, it was only like a three minute wait, thankfully. They transferred me to a wheelchair then stretcher then ambulance. Still couldn't stand straight.
Anyway the EMT said I had tachycardia, which I always do, always have. My RHR is around 100. We got to the ER and I was taken back and this is where the gaps in my memory start. I should have been completely lucid so I don't know why I don't remember things.
I remember some of the bedside stroke tests that I passed. I don't remember an IV being put in. I remember being asked over and over if I was in pain or anxious. I kept saying no pain, normal anxiety for being in the ER. I don't remember changing into a gown.
I don't remember being asked to give a urine sample. According to my chart, I refused even though there was urine in the toilet. That's not like me, either refusing or not flushing.
According to all the documentation, this happened before I was given any medication.
A couple hours after I arrived, I was given zofran and two doses of ativan. Then stuff starts getting really weird, which is probably normal for pain killers. Weird texts to people, weird hallucinations, weird dreams, etc.
I'm assuming the zofran was given to counter any nausea effects from the ativan, but I guess I don't know that for sure. It was an assumption based on timing.
What I don't understand is why I was given those in the first place. I kept reporting no pain and minimal anxiety. Maybe it was an effort to get my heart rate down? Now I think it may have caused some retrograde amnesia and creates holes in my memories. But I know it wouldn't make me act out of character. What's bothering me most of all is why I was given the Ativan. It gave me some pretty horrific nightmares and hallucinations and I guess I don't understand why it was indicated.
I guess I'm just confused about a couple main things.
Tl;dr questions

1. Can Ativan cause retrograde amnesia?
   
2. What would be an indication for Ativan use in an ER patient who denied pain or anxiety?
   

I just upped Lamictal from 200 to 250 and it seems to be making me mostly not depressed or suicidal and is somehow quelling hypomania (how?). So I really want to stay at this dose. I somewhat regularly have hallucinations upon waking from sleep, but I had one last night that was much, much more intense than usual.
If this happened to you: Were you able to stay on that dose and have the hallucinations calm down over time?
If you hallucinate surrounding sleep without meds: Has a med increase ever made it worse? Did it level out without changes or did you have to reduce the dose?
What happened: I was 3 doses into this increase. I fell asleep, then heard my door slam open. I looked down and a person was running at the bed. Then they stopped and stood at the edge. I screamed and leaped across the bed. I stared at them, then finally realized I was awake, oriented to reality, and it went away. I haven't had an incident that severe in 2 years. Although for many years I did see a person at the end of my bed often.
Bonus background on my sleep, if you're interested in going down the rabbit hole: I do all the weird stuff in my sleep -- the hallucinations, talking extensively, acting out my dreams in real life, having things in reality impact dreams, having dreams impact my perception of reality, also dreaming very realistic things that leave me wondering if it was real or not.
So much so that once we were waiting for the title to our vehicle to come in the mail. I dreamt we received it and I opened it, but couldn't remember where I put it. I could picture exactly opening the envelope and everything. I literally did not know if this was a dream or not until the title came in the mail. It was such a unremarkable real-seeming dream that it was impossible to know. This happens from time to time with other things but I can usually spot something wrong and realize it was a dream.

Hello there, I wanted to ask ya'll a question. I was wondering about getting disability from being bipolar, I was diagnosed as early as 6 years ago but have had dyslexia and ADHD my entire life, I was also in a lot of fights due to bouncing and getting my "bell rung" before this job which I think might have given me CTE. I was treated as depressive and they assigned me Xanax for the anxiety, I thankfully was able to get off that and just take my recently increased 200mg of Lamictal (up from 150mg). I am scared to death to ask some of these questions.
Someone mentioned they worked for a tech company in CA. I do too and I disclosed I had a breakdown. My career is likely over and if they don't fire me, I am sure I am going to get the cold shoulder and never get promoted again if I can even get myself to go in anymore. They placed me on a two-week forced PTO and told me I could talk to HR about extending it. I am thinking of applying and going through the disability process knowing that if I quit my job, I am likely homeless. I live in the most expensive city in the US and it's criminal how badly they treat the unhoused and I am concerned with my ability to at least maintain a semi-autonomous life and my safety.
I had another break in the past, going to the hospital and almost having a 24-hour hold on myself, I was able to talk them out of it. I have only had 2 jobs that last more than a year and I just can't do it anymore.
Has anyone had this experience? I want to hire a lawyer to represent me, but I don't know who (recommendations in CA are welcome) or if I will qualify.
What happened to you when you went to your appointments (if you don't mind me asking)? Did you play it up by answering like, every day is torture? I have a week maybe a month that I'm manic and feel AWESOME - my mind is quick and I can make life work. What were the "gotcha" questions, I have read that people that are honest are typically denied.
I don't feel like dying but it would be an ok thing that being said, I don't make plans to do it any further than my dreams of cashing in my life savings and going on one good vacation to die on a beautiful beach somewhere topical, then having my ashes spread in my hometown.
Did you pay for any long-term disability insurance? My work offers it and I took it up over a year ago, I am wondering if they just pay because the state does or if there are hoops to jump through. In my present condition, I just don't see how I can do that. I don't want my former company to get in any trouble I overworked myself into this break, but it has been bubbling for a while - they always do.
Also, since I will be out of work, do they look at when you were employed for that salary or it is 70% of the SSI that I would receive if I am granted disability? I believe mine said something about 70% of my pay. I would like to be able to live, but if I have to stay on SSI I just don't know what to do.
Sorry for all the questions, I'm struggling and scared here, my brain is broken and I've started talking to myself, the other day I kept seeing things moving like cats in my peripheral view and I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't even get out of bed and I haven't showered in a week. I feel like my life is over and I can't deal.

The Situation: I've managed to control most of these “anxiety attacks”, but still get a lot of these strange symptoms. I think I've been suffering from derealization and neurological problems. Every other day I get a weird feeling like everything is familiar, or things are constantly reminding me of past events and dreams. It’s kind of like deja vu, but not as strong as to think "I've experienced this before", more of just a feeling of familiarity. I have in my life had such surreal deja vu where I think I can see the future but that occurs very sporadically. Along with all of this, I keep getting random childhood l/adolescent memories and old dreams popping into my head, totally insignificant to anything I'm doing at the time. This happens almost 24/7 nonstop since mid-January. However, the scariest symptom that keeps periodically recurring is this phantom smell of chemicals, quickly followed by a stinging sensation of my tongue. Right after this, I experience a dreadful/impending doom feeling and then my chest is feels like it sinks inward. Shortly following this my limbs are enveloped by an icy hot sensation, causing them to shake internally. This terrifying state can persist for as long as 15-30 minutes. During these episodes, my heart rate accelerates anywhere from 150-175 beats per minute, which adds to the intensity of the situation. I feel a severe sense of dread the whole time and believe I am dying every single time this happens. So far it has happened a total of 3 times with 2 of them occurring in the last week. I have a fear these incidents will start to become more frequent. My symptoms are also beginning to vary with increased eye floaters/blurry vision, random twitches in my limbs and face, weakness in my arms and legs, slurred like speech, random head shaking feeling, and moments of mild confusion.
I was originally told these were all stress/anxiety/OCD type symptoms, like I'm just focusing on it more and more so it's happening more. However, I feel like a neurological condition is more likely to be at play here. These constant never ending symptoms are completely ruining my day to day life and I keep feeling like I’m constantly trapped in a dream or some alternate reality. The only time I really feel any sort of peace is when I’m asleep, and even then my dreams are so vivid and surreal that they stay with me for hours after I wake up.
Most Likely Triggers: Anxiety/Stress Lack of Sleep Nostalgia Illness
Other Possible Triggers: Overeating/Under-eating Dehydration Sugar and/or too many carbs Surreal situations
Impacts: Constant state of fear Severe anxiety at all times Emotions are out of control Can never get out of my head or stay present. Don’t do things I love anymore (play video games, listen to music, go out with friends etc.) Can’t interact with people like I used to. Don’t want to leave my room or house. Feel like I lost myself. Extreme bouts of depression. Lost 25 pounds from not being able to eat.
Medicines I’m Taking: Lamictal 100mg twice daily 1mg of Ativan for emergencies or sleep Propranolol for anxiety inducing situations

I am unsure if this is a medication issue, I’m on these daily:
*50 Mg of Zoloft
*50 mg of Lamictal
*20 mg of buspirone
And I’ve started taking 5 mg of melatonin on my psychiatric nurse practitioner’s recommendation.
I only recently started the melatonin like two weeks ago or something, but idk if it’s cause of one of these medications or what but I’ve had horrible dreams. Like I’ve had bad dreams in the past but it’s changes to every night I have dreams about the worst OCD obsessions I have and it’s so freaking scary. It’s gotten really worse in like the past five days or something.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is it the medication or my mental health issues? I want it to stop.

Okay went to an out patient therapy place and got put on Naltrexone for opiate use Seroquel for sleep and Lamictal for bipolar. A month or 2 ago
Never took the Naltrexone because I can’t stay sober for 7-10 days to prevent the precipitated withdrawal and the dumb bitch didn’t mention I’d ever get sick because she specifically said not to quit my Kratom intake while I take the naltrexone. But a quick google search prevented me from suffering. So I have a full script of this shit sitting around for the day I’m finally sober and may use when I feel like relapsing.
Take one 100mg Seroquel a night and it helps me sleep but I have end of the world dreams every night but I wake up feeling refreshed. It gave me a rash for 2 days but I used some ointment and it never came back so all good there.
Started on 25 mg of Lamictal and gradually got to 100mg. When I went from 25 to 50mg I woke up with my jaw hurting horribly when I bit down and I powered thru till it stopped. No mental change at all.
Went from 50 to 100mg and woke up feeling like my right cheek bone was being crushed and used an ice pack but the pain moved to my eye and side of head and for 3 days now this shit hurts. No mental change.
So now I’m saying fuck this I took 50mg today and plan to taper off and quit the Lamictal because this isn’t worth the pain, I’d rather be bipolar than suffer this bad.
And get this when I went back to another appointment and told her the naltrexone would’ve made me more dope sick than fentanyl ever made me feel she said “oh sorry” so now I’m definitely never going back there and plan to attend a new place for a Subutex drug program because that’s my biggest problem anyway. My bipolar isn’t even my top 3 concerns.
So anyone have any thoughts or experiences relevant or helpful to mine? I’m new to all this shit and I’m not even kidding opiates never did me this dirty compared to this medicine that allegedly is supposed to help me.