Laser treatment stop to smoking

If I’m not on birth control, I generally don’t get periods. The longest I’ve gone without it about 2 years, and I only got it because I gave in and went to the doctor. I think in the 20 years I’ve been having periods, I’ve probably only had 15 without medication, and I’ve never had anything remotely close to a 28 day cycle.
Anyway, I am wondering what treatment has been successful for you to ovulate?
Also, what counts as a “cycle” if you don’t have a period?
So far I did one round of 2.5mg letrozole and basically one week of metformin (had to stop after starting it for HSG), but the ultrasound on day 11 showed I won’t ovulate at all. The doctor said that “next cycle” they want to put me on a higher dose of letrozole, but this cycle they want to try trigger shots (which require me to go the doctor an extra 3-4 times in one week - annoying!)
I know everyone is different but would love to hear what yall are doing. Thanks!

Before dating my ex for the last 3 years I found out she has bpd, she was with an “abusive” guy and I helped her out then she started liking me, when she left the relationship she was drinking a few beers a night on top of smoking bong daily. Eventually it became problematic because she’d try to drink in my car which could get me in lots of trouble, she got better when I left the first time and went to AA and stopped the minute I came back.. whenever we went places she’d yell at me saying I was looking at girls when I wasn’t, judging me and letting me have no friends who were females, etc.. eventually we went to a festival where she met two old friends her ex knew but they stopped hanging with him, you can tell these people were trash and druggies, about a year later she went bowling with her family and they were there so she went out with them after, I could tell she did coke and lied about it, and those people told her to lie to me to about it, ended up breaking up with her and eventually after her crying I decided we could be friends because she was like, I’ve never seen someone cry this hard but it was bad, we started to be fwb which was okay for a bit until she started hanging around those guys again and some of their friends who were also friends with her ex, needless to say she made rules saying we couldn’t see other people or anything, I ended up hacking her messenger one morning and saw some messages from the main guy I broke up with her over, the guy and his gf that got her back into coke, and they were disgusting like “you looked good naked last night” “come over me and my gf want a 3 sum” and at that point I screenshotted, picked her up and threw it in her face and she cried again and blamed me for hacking her phone and changed every password, we weren’t together but she made rules, she didn’t fuck anyone but she did make out with the guys gf drunk , I believe the non sex thing because the guys like 500 pounds and gross, after that I took her back once more and she said those guys got kicked out of the group for being gross and she was just trying to get the convo to go away (she deleted it) I told her if I didn’t go on her phone I’d of never known and that’s what hurts the most, she would’ve hid it, she said she couldn’t remove them because she’s scared of them being druggies, in all this I have been caring less and less but we tried one more time and this weekend I picked her up from the house to go on a walk, got her dinner and then she wanted beer and weed and spent like half her paycheck in one night on it, I realized me buying her dinner was just letting her buy more drugs, she kinda said the weather was bad and we should go another day all while texting her new best friend a girl coke head who doesn’t work, I got her in crap before because our hangouts are her messaging them non stop, I realized now I can’t help her out of the addictions and need to leave it kkeeps getting worse, shes caring less about me and barely messages me when shes out with them etc, and i need to leave as hard as it is, she lives paycheck to paycheck and her life revolves around going to their house all weekend and doing drugs, all of them are failures and they rent some crap apartment and buy drugs weekly, it hurts to see but I feel it’s easy to leave as she blocked me the last time we fought and now I blocked the only other way we talked, if she unblocks me on insta after this weekend because she’ll be back at home without them, then I will block her, I need to avoid her social media and move on it sucks

Male 22. Chronic urge to go pee can’t stop thinking about it, pelvic pain, never finish urinating always have to go. So long story short, I developed these symptoms I think at age 18, and now had it for four years. It was off and on for a while, used weed to cope with it but then seemed to just get worse and worse so I finally went to a doctor. Well they did tests and everything seemed okay and they referred me to a urologist and they performed a cystoscopy and found nothing. The guy quite literally told me to “drink less coffee” and sent me on my way. I knew that wasn’t the case, but I did get some pills and they managed for a bit, I had to go off work for a while, while I found the right ones.
So I managed it for a bit, started working again and stopped smoking weed but eventually went back because it helped me numb the feeling. Well then a year or two later, smoking seemed to increase it andd make the anxiety so bad constantly thinking about it, so I ditched weed completely and don’t really wanna go back but that’s irrelevant to this post. I also have went to a pelvic therapist, and checking the pelvic muscles, said I was obviously tight as hell and started to do some stretches. The stretches actually seemed to help a TON and seemed to relieve a large amount of pain and pressure after consistently doing them every day. Well, still doing them every day, but my pain is back to being awful as hell and I have tried accupuncture as well recently because it was so bad, but that hasn’t seemed to do much, although it did alleviate some tension and stiffness.
I guess like many in this forum, I’m just trying to see if anyone else has any other ideas like maybe to get a second opinion from a urologist? I booked an appointment with my doctor but it’s not for another 2 months :/ My “emergency” pills don’t even seem to ease the pain either anymore and they are like my last saving grace for flare ups. I’m debating taking off work again. I’ve read that these things are more common in women, but it’s just very scary to think that I’m a man, and very young, and that I thought this is a problem you develop when you’re older. It’s just scary because I’ve already developed this at such a young age, and I’m scared for my body and I don’t wanna live like this forever. (Obviously I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy either). I’m completely miserable snd snap at my girlfriend all the time and feel terrible about it and just can’t seem to find happiness these days and I know it’s because of this awful thing 😞 I used to be happy and even now I’m clean off of drugs but it’s just making me more hopeless by the day. I don’t go outside, I don’t want to do anything, and complain about everything. This turned into a sap story but again, just wondering if anybody would have any ideas or insight for me, as I’m getting very overwhelmed and more scared by the day. Thank you all.

Hey all! So I wanted to give a part two since I'm not high now lol, and also I wanted to clear up some things and add in some other details I left out that I just remembered. If you haven't seen the first part of this post then I suggest going to that, otherwise you'll be very confused. Also, I forgot to add this in my first post but DON'T READ if triggered by certain topics like r*ape, SA, murder, abuse, etc. Another thing is, this post is going to be a lot darker and aside from talking about what happened, I'm also looking for advice on my mental state and how to cope. So please read with caution because I'm going to be talking about what happened with B, but also about my past before him and how what happened is affecting my past trauma.
So, I'm not going to retell the whole story but I am going to be bringing up a lot of parts from it and things I didn't realize until after the incident happened. And some of the things I didn't think of until my friend brought it up. So in my first post, I was talking about how B (26M) was REALLY into Jeffrey Dahmer. Well, in the show we watched with Evan Peters, I noticed a lot of things Jeffrey did as well as already knowing a lot about him before watching it. I noticed that B was doing a lot of things similar to him. Now, I forgot to add in this part last time, but B was really 'straight phobic.' Now I'm a bi transman but I don't hate cis / straight people. In fact, a lot of my friends are cis and in straight relationships. For some reason though, he did, to a weird extent. And even though he was being respectful in the beginning, I'm starting to get a feeling he wasn't actually gay or cared about trans people. Because it seems as though ALL of his former partners were transmen. Which isn't that weird I guess, and he did tell me he tried dating a cis man before but it didn't work. After I met him in person he was telling me that he really liked his trans partners to still have sex vaginally and he liked tits. So, I was kind of confused at that. I think what was really going on was that he isn't gay but wanted to be so he could be like Jeffrey Dahmer. I know it's a bit of a stretch, but you'll see why later. So another thing is, Jeffrey would always ask his potential victims to go back to his place for drinks and to take photos, particularly sexual ones. Jeffrey would then lace the drinks and go on to do weird things to his victims while taking their pictures. And while I was trapped at his place, B kept pushing alcohol on me, A LOT. So much so, that when I kept refusing he started getting angry. However, once I pretended to take a sip it was like his whole attitude changed. He also kept joking it was laced, like EVERYTIME he offered me some. Even though I didn't actually drink any, like I said in the first post, I still got a few drops on my lips and in my mouth. After that I started to get a headache and was a bit dizzy. Also, he had told me before that he liked to take pictures of his partners in sexual poses while they held his guns. Aside from the guns, that's EXACTLY WHAT JEFFREY WOULD DO. For some reason, I didn't piece any of this together until afterwards. I guess I was too shaken up to think clearly. I said this before as well, but when I first entered his house, it was pitch black and he had black out curtains on EVERY WINDOW in his house. His bedroom, living room, kitchen, I mean his whole house made it seem like it was night outside. Another thing that is eerily similar to Jeffrey, is that B told me before I met him in person he always liked dating someone younger. I, at the time, was nineteen and he was twenty five, about to turn twenty six. I honestly don't know what was wrong with me so have not seen the BIG RED FLAGS in the beginning, but he played it off so well I didn't even notice them until after everything happened. And it isn't like me to go for older guys, I usually try to go for someone two years older or younger than me, as I don't like have a huge age gap between me and my partner. Anyway though, Jeffrey always went for younger guys, as well as sometimes KIDS. So, that's another thing similar between them, as well as the fact that B told me he was into little brother play. Where he makes his partners act like a younger brother during sex, etc. He also told me he liked for his partners to SUCK ON BINKIES. BRUHHHH, no thanks bro, I'm good. See, if it was just one of these things that he liked / was into, then I guess it would be normal. Just a guy into a weird ass kink, but all these things combined just did not sit right with me as well as how he was acting. Now, I said in my other post that basically the ENTIRE TIME I was with him, he had a weird ass expression on his face that made me uncomfortable. I wish I could explain better, but it was like constipated / confused look, like Edward from Twilight when he does those weird facial expressions. His brows were always furrowed and he looked like he was uncomfortable / anxious the whole time. He was being super sketchy. His body language was just really off-putting and made me feel weird. And the thing he kept ranting about the most was how Jeffrey Dahmer was misunderstood and just needed someone to be there for him, and then maybe he wouldn't have killed people. The thing that scared me the most was how he said he felt the same way, that he wished he could just have someone not leave him and how he had trust issues after his former partners. Especially the one I mentioned in the last post, about how his ex partner before me snuck out in the middle of the night and got his family to come get him. His family lived across the country, so it had to have been pretty bad for his ex to call his parents and tell them to come get him. Because they drove across multiple different states to come pick him up in the middle of the night so he could sneak away. I have a major feeling that B left out a lot of their fight and why his ex actually left. Not to mention while I was with him, he watched every move I made and wouldn't let me get on my phone without him seeing what I was doing / texting to people. I have a feeling if he thought I was trying to leave him he would've done something bad. Just like Jeffrey. Jeffrey wouldn't always hurt his victims (Not at first anyway) it was always when they said they had to leave that he would get angry and force them to stay. So, idk man, I could've been killed or worse. Also, I know I said I could've been killed or worse, and some of you are probably thinking what's worse than being killed? Well, to me, a lot of things he could've done would have been worse. Especially if he was trying to be like Dahmer, then I could've gotten acid injected into my brain or been r*aped. Which is exactly what I think he was trying to do, with how much alcohol he was trying to push on me. He also kept 'petting' me and touching my thighs while he told me all the ways he'd kill me 'if he was a serial killer.' I genuinely think that something bad would've happened if I didn't have one HELL of an excuse to leave. Because honestly, my mom couldn't have given a better excuse for me to go that also sounded real and not like a lie. Because, like I said before, I had told him before I met him that my mother had health issues and was always in and out of the hospital, so it was perfect that she used that as an excuse. He got really cold and wasn't speaking to me when he heard my phone call and that I had to leave, but I think if I would've tried to leave without that excuse or by giving him an obvious lie, then I might not be here. I'm also super grateful to my best friends who let me come to their place and stay late instead of going home. Me and my best friend, basically my sister, have talked about this a lot since it happened and every time we do, we try to rationalize why someone would act like that, other than being an actual serial killer / r*pist. But we can never think of a reason besides the fact that he simply is what he seems like. A really unhinged person who could've hurt me badly. Also, this was my FIRST TRUE experience in online dating and I honestly think I'm never going to try that again. I've run into so many creeps trying to date online, AND in real life. Most people who aren't trans probably don't realize or know this, but there are a lot of men that want to do really weird and fucked up things to trans people because I guess they think we are some mutant or something, or 'the best of both worlds.' I've run into them a lot, and when I met B, I thought that was over. I thought I had met an actual good person who was educated on trans topics and was respectful of my boundaries and my body. Nope. Now I'm starting to think dating, at least where I live now, is almost impossible and I think I'm going to be alone for awhile. :') Not to mention, I'm now traumatized after what happened with B, and I already had trouble trusting men, and just people in general. Before meeting him I have already been SAed before, multiple times. I guess I'm simply asking for advice on how to move on from something like this. I was trying, and doing kind of ok, moving on from things that had happened before I met B, but now after what happened with him I feel like I'm back sliding and it's making me relive all my past traumas. I basically trust no one, when it comes to sexual things, besides my two best friends I've known since childhood. I tend to over sexualize everything, even things that aren't sexual at all, and get scared around ANYONE, even family members, who I know deep down don't see me like that. I was also abused as a kid and wasn't able to get out of it until I was eighteen, and I've only just turned twenty now, so it wasn't even until two years ago I was still being abused. I feel I've fallen into the dark again and my panic attacks have gotten worse again. I feel depressed and I didn't realize until recently that I'm suicidal again. I didn't realize it until recently, because when I was younger and suicidal, I knew I was. I've tried unaliving myself before so I didn't think about it because I don't feel that way now. It's different this time. Instead of my thoughts directly wanting me to pull out a gun and, ya know, this time it's more subtle and more of a subconscious action. Like closing my eyes for a few seconds while driving. Or intrusive thoughts about ramming head first into the car in the other lane. Or going hiking and thinking of what it would feel like to step off the cliff. I'm honestly just tired. I feel like every person I meet has some kind of ulterior motive, whatever it is. I'm working at a really nice job but it seems like every time I save up money and am doing good for my future, I have to use it on something unexpected that pops into my life. I'm living with my grandparents for now because they said they weren't going to charge me rent, and I'm super grateful for that, but even still I can't keep money and I kind of just don't see my future anymore. Both my parents were drug addicts, my mother to pain pills then xans after that, my father was mainly an alcoholic but also did meth, pills, and other things. It doesn't help because when I was younger, around my early teen years (13-16) I started smoking cigs when I was 12, then I started smoking weed, which I still do, but then it got worse and I've tried xans, snorting pills I didn't even know what they were, drinking, and I've even done shrooms and LSD. I've also had some really bad trips on LSD that made my severe panic disorder worse and after that I now disassociate a lot too and have trouble knowing if I'm in reality while having a panic attack. And after what happened with B, his house and the smell (Cigs and booze) just reminded me what it was like living with my parents in that crack house looking trailer. It's like my brain won't let me let go of the past and move on. It's like I'm constantly stuck there still. And aside from dating, it's also super hard to meet people as friends where I live. I love my two best friends, one of which has been with me since we were basically fetuses and her parents and mine were friends, so her parents were also abusive drug addicts. It's nice to have someone so close and how we can relate to what we went through. We joke that we were traumatized by our parents, but also by each other's parents as well lol. Even though I'm grateful for them, you never know what's going to happen in the future and I don't want to be solely dependent on them and be able to make new friends, but I just can't. I feel so alone, and my friend I grew up with has been moved out a lot longer than me and has had time to heal, and I don't wanna keep dumping my mental problems on her because it's unfair to her. I feel like I'm just bringing her back to our past with me. When I moved out, I completely cut ties with my father, I don't even like calling him that, as he was the first person to SA me and he is, in general, and evil person. I try to think that evil people don't exist, but then I think of him and I realize they do. My mom though, is a good person when she isn't on anything. Recently though, I blocked her and haven't talked to her in over a month because she OD again on xans and amphetamines. I kind of realized recently that she is almost as bad as my father, even though I never wanted to admit that to myself. Because when I was younger, I admitted to her that he had SAed me and she kept pressuring me to tell her what happened, like, IN DETAIL. I told her no because I didn't want to relive it and think about it, even now I have a lot of repressed memories. And because I wouldn't tell her EXACTLY what happened, she doesn't believe. I think she does, deep down, but she doesn't want it to be real. And after her OD last month, she tried telling me she didn't and that it was just her BLOOD PRESSURE. LIKE OH MY GOD BITCH, WHY DO YOU LIE? She must think I'm stupid or something. Before I blocked her, I cussed her out over text and said something like "Who do you think was the first person at the hospital? Not grandma, not your husband, ME. I've always been there for you first. Who do you think told me you had OD? The doctors when I first got there!" And she still denies it, even though when me and my friend got the hospital she was lying there naked (they had to cut her clothes off to save her) with a breathing tube stuck down her throat. I've tried helping her my whole life but apparently she doesn't want help. So now I've gotten tired of her BS and I blocked her and now my grandma is pressuring me to talking to her, luckily though, my grandpa went through something similar as a kid and understands how it is so he isn't guilt tripping me into talking with her. I'm just tired of having to put into traumatic situations. My mental health just keeps getting worse. Somehow, trauma always finds me and nowadays, it seems my only friends are my demons. It used to not be like this, but now even when I'm with my two closest friends, I still feel lonely. Like they are reminding me that when I leave my friends, I'm alone again. Anyway, I know this probably isn't the right subreddit for this, but I kind of just started ranting, sorry for that.
Also, to clear some things up, no I don't use drugs, not anymore. I've never really been an addict at all in my life, somehow. I just did drugs because I wanted to escape when I was younger, and thankfully I never got addicted to any of them. Not like you can get addicted to LSD or shrooms anyway. The only thing I've got addicted to was cigarettes, which rn, is the least of my concerns. And as for weed, I used to be a major stoner but it started making my panic attacks worse so I stopped for a few years, cold turkey, and only recently started smoking it again. So, I'm not worried about weed and if anything, it's been helping now. Especially since I don't smoke it nearly as much as I used to. So, for those worried about me being or getting on drugs, don't worry I'm fine. I have made a clear boundary for myself to never do anything besides smoking my cigs and weed. Cause I've seen how drugs affect my parents and others I've known and I've sworn to myself that I won't become them. It also sucks though because I see psychedelics as something that can help a lot of people with trauma, and the first shrooms trip I ever did changed my life for the better. Now though, after my bad LSD trip, I don't know if I can every do them again. Maybe one day, but not for the foreseeable furture. Again, sorry for going on a rant. I'll probably post this to another subreddit and see if anyone can help. I'm not looking for therapy as I don't have the money or health insurance. Just looking for someone who can relate that has been able to move past similar things and find happiness. If you've read this far, thank you. Like seriously, from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot to me that someone would read about another person's problems and life experience. I hope whoever is reading this is having a great day / night wherever you are, and are living your best life. And for those reading that are going through a similar situation right now and can't get out, I promise you aren't alone. I haven't really gotten better, so I can't say things get better, but I can say it DOES get easier. All I can say is, you aren't alone in it. There are others, like me, who know your pain. Keep living, it'll be worth it. Even though I'm not doing my best and my mental problems are still with me, that doesn't mean it's all been bad. I've made a lot of amazing memories after I moved out. Keep going.

I recently got a job working in a retail pharmacy as an Rx Tech in training. When filling out my certification paperwork, they ask if you have any prior convictions, drug treatment, or mental health disorders. (Don’t even get me started on the fact that mental health is in the same category as crime) But anyways, this put the paperwork to a dead stop until I could get a “letter of compliance” from my counselor, a notarized letter explaining my situation, and a signed medical release. My counselor was upset and called this an invasion of privacy, I agree, but I need and want the job. My counselor begrudgingly agreed to write the letter, and I signed a medical release for the letter and a progress report.
After all that, I sent everything in, only for the board to call me and tell me they are returning my paperwork because they didn’t receive access to my medical records.
Has anybody else had issues with this? Is the procedure like this in every state? Does Arkansas Board of Pharmacy have a right to my medical records?
I’m disheartened to say the least. I’ll give them what they want if I have to, but I’m disgusted just thinking about it. I feel violated, as this is the second time I’ve had to release my medical records for bogus reasons related to mental health. I’m not an opioid addicted axe murderer, I’m a 19yo kid trying to stabilize after 2 traumatic years of college and a mental health crisis. I just want some peace and this has been yet another roadblock.
I’m done ranting now, any feedback is appreciated

I've hit a crash where it's hard to lift a fork to my mouth, let alone do much else. Takes so much concentration just to type. I'm scared because my dad is visiting but after this, I'll be alone. I'm currently undergoing Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation for severe depression as meds were all way too hard on my body. Apparently though, I did not know tiredness could be a side effect. I've since read that for some CFS peeps, it can cause a crash for the entire duration of treatment for over 7 weeks. I don't know how I'll feed myself and I'm supposed to be going to a PHP for depression and I don't think they it the insurance understand how CFS works so i can continue to be off work (which will only be through June anyway and then i have to go back as i cannot afford housing on full disability). I'm desperate for relief from the depression as the SI is so bad and it is interfering with basic functioning. Now this treatment might be doing this (I crashed just before treatment started a week ago; thought I recovered quickly, then started TMS on Tuesday and felt like I hit a wall of debilitating fatigue Thursday with a tiny bit of relief on Friday evening only to crash today). So I'm here just whining. There is so much more. But I'm too tired to relay it. I am praying that the crashes stop, that the depression resolves/the TMS is successful, etc. I am so desperate and I want to stop the state of being with SI and thinking the best possible solution is to end in a way where my organs could be used to help others.
I was doing so well with managing my CFS* but now it seems like I'm just stumbling through crashing and existing (the existing part reminds me of some of the depression the effects of which were similar to those of CFS and struggles with daily living). *In terms of my physical ability, I felt almost "normal" at times and could run groceries errands for myself regularly (if not debilitated by depression). And I was trying to behaviorally activate to help the depression with mild exercise and socialization (so, so desperate with the depression and waiting for my first TMS appointment) which again, led to the crash earlier this week just before TMS which I think has led to the current one.

ive had ideation for as long as i can remember but recently its felt more real than it ever did in the past. im not sure what else to do. i was on countless kinds of medication in the past, ive dealt with addiction, trauma, trying to pick myself back up by myself, etc for my entire life. as a child i didnt feel safe telling my parents about the symptoms and feelings i was experiencing in order to save them the trouble since my older sibling had a lot going on as well so i slowly became independent and had to keep the façade going that i had everything put together. it eventually fell through over time and it eats me away knowing that my parents did their best but their best still wasn't enough and that's ok, i understand that's just how things are sometimes. i finally managed to move into an apartment with my loving partner and our two cats. they are my world but i can't shake this feeling that's been with me since i was a single digit age. im in weekly therapy and plan to start emdr to work through the rougher bits of my past but when i stop and think about everything - im tired. im just really tired. my hallucinations are more frequent now, i think its from sleep deprivation and stress. but can hallucinations from sleep deprivation and stress go on for years? can delusions from those causes go on for years? it only gets worse. i can dismiss these thoughts and feelings for so long. distract myself here and there but it only feels like im continuing to live for the sake of others. to be something for others. i cant do what i want to do because what i want to do is die. work has been taking everything out of me. i stare at my hands when i try to engage in hobbies that i once genuinely loved and was glad to participate in. now there's nothing. i cant even bring myself to reach out to anyone about it because i dont want it to escalate. i dont want to go back to the hospital. i dont want to be prescribed medication that will numb some symptoms but bring on a variety of others only to be pushed more pills. i dont want to put myself in a situation where i could potentially relapse. it seems like more trouble and more money than its worth. money that i don't have. i love my pets. im holding off for them. i love my partner. im enjoying my time with them while i still can. its just hard when we work opposite schedules with soul draining jobs. i worked so hard to be where i am. and yet ive never felt more remorse for not being successful or serious about previous attempts. it no longer feels like a cry for help. i know no one will answer the cry. it feels like a goal that i can work toward. but this time once i reach the goal, this feeling wont follow me. my mind feels like a torture chamber that no medicine, treatment, therapy, injection, drug, action, or reaction can change. it's simply part of who i am and i can accept that thats just the way it is but i can also accept that im so fucking tired. this country is going downhill so fast. it feels like theres no hope. there is so scenario where i can make it and feel fulfilled. it won't go away. people always try to respond to this sort of thing with something along the lines of "reach out to your support system!" or "talk to a friend!" but it genuinely feels like something is holding me back from even humoring that thought. it's easier to post this anonymously. my personal struggle can't be added to someone's plate that is already way too full. i understand that going through with this would add to the plate anyway. but would it be easier to be remembered or forgotten or to watch someone fall back into their old bullshit just for the sake of keeping them alive? would the good times you had together still be good if you knew that during those laughs, and smiles, and memories that they were entirely miserable and trying to push through or distract themselves for the sake of your own feelings? it's not going to get better. i dont know when it will happen. i just know i need to follow through with completing my plan.

So me f(19) was dating this guy one and off for about a year. It was good in the start I got princes treatment and all that but then it started going downhill and he seemed less interested so we took a short break. He came back all apologetic and we carried on dating. He genuinely just used me for my body and would give no after treatment just leave or game with his friend. Can’t lie it made me feel like shit. One time when we were yk he started videoing it and I was like wtf no. I told him to stop and delete the video and he said it’s just for me to look at on my own I said no and he’s apprently deleted it. I forgot about it and we continued going out for a few months. One day I went into school and everyone was looking at me or whispering I was so confused until my friend told me he still had the video and he sent it round THE WHOLE SCHOOL. I went home and didn’t come back to school for two weeks I cried for those whole two weeks. Then this boy had the nerve to try and contact me saying it wasn’t him. Be for real. Anyway once I got myself together I returned to school and told everyone he f* his cousin And everyone believed me for some reason and no one was his friend and he had to move schools Did I go too far or was it deserved

Hello everyone, I stopped smoking weed two months ago, I’ve went on a few ride along and decided this is something I want to do. How long do you think I should wait to actually apply since I’ve smoked weed pretty recently. To me it’s not a bid deal since it’s the only thing I’ve done, but what do you guys think ?

I have a chest keloid that is so freaking itchy and constantly irritated/causes pain. I know chest keloids are super hard to treat. I’m currently getting kenalog and laser on it but the progress has been slow. The pain/itching would subside after treatment but then it would start up again before my next session, so I know it’s continuing to grow 😭 What treatment methods work best for chest keloids? Anyone successfully treat their chest keloids?

I'm at the point in this (grueling) process where I am turning to the internet for unbiased commentary, guys. Somebody, anybody lol
After 30 years on this planet, many friendships and a few boyfriends, I don't think I've ever just stopped talking to anybody without some kind of a departing conversation. In most situations I think the fair thing to do is amicably go separate ways, both know where the other stands, etc.
Until 2 wks ago when I felt like I was being played and chose to go No Contact with a guy I've been in a 'situationship' with since the Fall. But the way I chose to go about it has me feeling like I did it wrong...and I need advice before I do something too nice like reach back out.
I'm going to spare the full story but just know there were little things that led up to the big thing lol. And if you've been in that stage of seeing someone where you don't know what you guys are, but they're telling you it is going somewhere, this ones for us baby, Cheers.
Let's just say this guy has decently important job, where he's in the process of leveling up in his career (or so I know). He's busy and I've respected that. We make time when it works, which is usually at night and I always accepted that. Our relationship started in the gym, and I'll admit is mainly intimate; we're together at night, talk most of our days thru work, and don't get a lot of time to go out/date. For what it's worth, I'd been committed to him and we agreed we were exclusive (or I would not be involved with what we're doing).
His birthday was coming up. When I asked what he'd like to do, he said it wasn't a big deal this year, that he would be working and he doesn't care to celebrate (go out). That felt odd but I figured since it fell on a weekday it made sense, and that we'd still be together that night after work.
We spoke the morning of his birthday, he said he was working all day and we agreed if he wanted to do anything together later on he'd let me know what's up after work... this man didn't call me til 11PM.
The next day when we spoke, he said he ended up going to the gym and then out to dinner with a co worker very last minute. I was left under the impression he was busy with work!
The day after that he added on to the story that the co worker was a female, I had to ask. A female, married, long time friend and coworker he said I didn't need to worry about. This person met him for dinner at 9PM on a week night on HIS BIRTHDAY without her husband, or me.
I feel like this warranted a reevaluation of what we wanted together convo... both attempts did not go well or get me anywhere. I won't get into how, but just know he basically shut the convo down twice yet still tried to act like everything was fine by continuing to talk to me daily, ask when I was coming over etc. Meanwhile I was stewing, confused, and just trying to process and plan.
Granted, we're not in "a relationship". But I feel so disrespected and it changed my outlook on what I thought we had entirely. All things considered I just know I deserve better than that treatment, and even if this co worker is really just a friend, it's not just that he had his bday dinner with another woman alone. It's that he didn't choose me.
So a week, one last time hooking up (don't judge me please), and some small talk over those few days later, I've just stopped responding to him. I woke up one day and I felt like I deserved way more reassurance than I got and that I just let him slide. The birthday situation just doesn't sit right.
He's called a lot and from multiple numbers. But the few texts he's sent aren't endearing at all. He hasn't apologized, asked what he did, and hasn't professed any love LOL, now he just wants to know if I'm really going to ignore him.
DO I OWE HIM AN EXPLANATION?! Was my timing way off and confusing? Or does he know why?
I don't think he is a bad person. He's just not ready for me.
I went No Contact to protect myself but I also left the line open to see how he acts and what he says. I'm grown enough to know that if the man couldn't live without me I wouldn't be writing to Reddit. So I'll do the math there.....but do I at least owe him a response, or is it better to do what I'm doing?
My empath heart is going to pop help :(

Hello. I really need advice. support. opinions. anything, ill take it.
I (29f) am totally lost.
My significant other 30m and I are going through it. We have been together 5 years and have worked thorough a lot of things together that we probably should have just gone to therapy for but we grew, and I'm so thankful for that and proud tbh. My issue is however, that he has a very addictive personality and it effects his personal growth and ambition in life. He is addicted to nicotine, was as addicted as you can be to smoking weed in high school + a few years after, he had an issue with watching porn for a while in excess, and drinks alcohol though, not excessively.
The alcohol thing is where i need to explain. Its not how much he drinks, its how many consecutive days he drinks, even if its just one or 2 drinks a night. His brain chemistry changes. i'm no scientist but i know it effects his brain. He doesn't get black out drunk by any means. But after 3 days of having 1 or 2/3 drinks after work he is less able to control his emotions, less able to be rational during arguments or discussions. Less compassionate, less present, this list goes on and on yall.
This has been a topic of discussion for years. more than once he's committed to being sober ( although it obviously didn't stick) so he is aware that he'd probably be better off. Us as a couple sure as hell would and he knows that!
We have had had bigger issues in the past with his drinking and he cut back quite a lot. Like previously stated, he usually has 1 or 2 (maybe 3 if I'm thinking about it) beers or drinks or whatever is in the fridge a night. he will do this for three nights then skip two. then three again then skip 3 then 4 nights in a row then skip two...that sort of pattern,
Cutting back isn't going to cut it, with what I've had to deal with and learned about how he functions even with small amounts of alcohol periodically were not going to stop having issues until he just stops altogether.
He grew up with alcohol all around him. its normal in his family to have a beer rain or shine. Drinking is for sure linked to "manliness" in his family. Addiction also runs rampant in his family as well, but drinking is just so normalized none of them would ever think to try the sober route in life. I on the other hand could give a shit less about drinking anymore and hardly drink.
His drinking is honestly effecting his ambitions. More often I find myself feeling like his mom, encouraging him to work on his career, reminding him that if i can find time to do my school work he can find time to do his computer programming certificate thing ( that I honestly don't think he will ever finish)
We are both late bloomers. Except once I figured out what I wanted to do with my life I shot out of the gate like a race horse. And I was chomping at the bit for years trying to figure it out! Reading blogs, buying books, joining groups etc etc. I started going to school. 3 quarters in, Deans list every quarter. I started building a brand. I have all these side projects and I'm so excited for my days off so I can work on those side projects. Him on the other hand.....yeah I just wouldn't describe him as excited about anything in life. Or ambitious.... I'm tearing up writing that but its true
He is such a hard worker when it comes to the jobs he's had. He is such a loving understanding boyfriend ( 60 percent of the time unfortunately, and it pains me to admit that to myself). I love him dearly and he loves me dearly also. He is literally my best friend and I'm his. I am just so sad that 40 percent of the time I have to deal with someone I don't love because of something so stupid as alcohol. And I'm so upset he wont just stop casually drinking even though he can clearly see it effects him and our relationship so much.
Am i wrong to think that one day he's going to grow up and stop drinking and be the perfect man? Should I just accept him for the 60 percent of the time I'm happy, and love him with his flaws the other 40% of the time? Should I end this? did i out grow him? I'm lost. I'm sad. i don't want to lose my best friend.

I’m typing this as I hold my five week old baby. When I was 32 weeks pregnant with him, my husband got into a very serious car accident literally right in front of our house – he wasn’t even fully out of the driveway, I was sitting at our dining room table when I heard the crash, ran outside in my bathrobe with no shoes on and pulled him covered in blood from the car while calling 911.
His injuries were very serious and could’ve been life altering but he somehow made a complete, miraculous recovery and against all odds was somehow back to normal by the time our baby was born. Our car narrowly avoided being totaled, spent a few months in the shop and we literally just got it back last night. There were a few nights in the immediate aftermath of his accident where I had vivid nightmares about the sound of the crash and woke up screaming thinking there had been another accident, but we got through it and we’ve all been feeling really well. We were even talking last night about how much has changed in the few months the car has been in the shop and how grateful and safe we feel.
Three hours ago, a small child was hit by a truck and catastrophically injured right in front of my house, right in the same spot where my husband’s accident occurred twelve weeks ago. My mom is an RN and she was here snuggling with the baby when we heard the crash so she ran out to evaluate the child and work with emergency responders to stabilize him while I called 911 and cared for the baby. The injured child was riding a bike with no helmet, thrown several yards and landed with his head on the curb so you can imagine how terrible the situation is. When the fire department arrived, they also got into an accident and the fire truck crushed another large truck that was parked on the street, but for about a minute we believed the truck had crushed another person so I am feeling extremely paranoid and unsafe right now.
I feel so stupid writing this because I don’t actually know what I’m looking for. I’ve had remarkably good postpartum mental health – no signs of PPA or PPD or intrusive thoughts, just sort of a light bliss – but this has triggered serious anxiety and I’m concerned about my ability to get through the night. I feel psychologically unwell enough that I would normally ask my mom to come spend the night with us, so there’s an extra set of hands to care for the baby, but she’s extremely traumatized as well, perhaps more so than I am because she physically cared for the child and evaluated his injuries.
Tomorrow was supposed to be my first time out of the house without the baby but now I can’t stop freaking out. I keep having terrible visions of things happening to my family. We heard another fire truck elsewhere in our neighborhood and I keep envisioning it accidentally jumping the curb and driving into my house. I keep picturing my baby’s beautiful head being crushed on the pavement, or imagining getting the call that my son and husband were in an accident together and having trying to choose which hospital I would go to.
My 6 week postpartum appointment is on Thursday and I’m obviously going to bring it up then, and I’m going to start making phone calls on Monday to see how quickly I can start EMDR treatment, but… what do I do until then? How do we make it through tonight? I’m so afraid to get in the car and even go to any of our upcoming appointments, terrified to put my baby in the car, terrified to leave the house, terrified to stay here. Newborn sleep is already naturally scarce, but I’m afraid of nightmares and anxiety keeping me up now, especially because I keep experiencing unwelcome memories of what these car accidents sounded like and all of the screaming after.
My most practical and immediate concern is that I may inadvertently endanger baby somehow while sleep deprived – so if anyone has any sort of words of wisdom or advice to share about how to safely parent in the first few days following a traumatic event I would really love to hear them. I’m sorry this is so long and rambling, thank you for reading.

I’ll start out with a short background. I’m a 38 year old Male. I remember getting my first cluster headaches when I was about 11-12 years old and I was diagnosed when I was about 25. Way back then I would take way too much Excedrin Migraine but looking back I don’t think it helped at all. When I got the sense the CH was coming, there was nothing I could do except get an ice pack, lights off, get a garbage can (for throwing up), and lay down while screaming in agony.
I will usually get my Cluster headaches for a few months once a year. Rarely it will skip a year. When I have them nothing stops them BUT I have noticed over the years that Heat, Alcohol, Caffeine, Cigarette smoke and maybe even Marijuana makes my headaches worse and brings them on faster. I absolutely get them more often in the summer during the warmer months as well.
About 2 years ago I went back to the Neurologist and got prescribed the 6mg Sumatriptan Rescue Injections.
My mind was blown the first time I used it last year and within 10 minutes the CH was gone. I couldent believe it. I used them briefly last year and have been using them for the last month.
I’m just here to give hope to some of you that are struggling out there. It’s impossible to explain to people how painful and debilitating CH’s can be. I’ve been through a lot of dark times because I thought I would have to deal with the pain my whole life….
If you have not yet tried the emergency triptan injections, and you’re fortunate enough to be able to take them TRY THEM. They have changed my life.
If anyone wants to talk or ask me questions you can just message me. I have quite a bit of experience dealing with CH and I know how hard this shit is to deal with sometimes.
Take care of yourself and keep positive! Treatments are getting better every single day!

(40 late diagnosed w/ Autism, high masking. I've struggled with this my whole life)
Does anyone else experience blackouts when undestimulated (when nothing is going on, silence or ambient background noises) or doing tedious things like sorting through lists, clearing out emails, etc
If I'm even remotely comfortable and bored... Hell even sometimes if I've had a busy/chaotic day, th moment things are even remotely calm again.
Cant keep my eyes open, cant focus, eyes start watering, rapidly deteriorating audio processing issues, within minutes of calm... I'm blacking out and once it starts happening it's nearly impossible to stop it.
(like nearly narcoleptic in symptom description but I've been tested for that as well as tested for epilepsy.... Negative for both, even tho I had a blackout during th epilepsy test, nurse actually shrugged after & said "yep noticed that you passed out... Don't know what it is, but it aint epilepsy")
Is there a comorbid condition among people with autism that fits this... Descriptions of shutdown just don't seem severe enough for whatever this is.
Please if anyone has any ideas, even if like so many things with autism, hEDS, POTS, etc... there isn't really a treatment, just KNOWING exactly what's up will help me deal with & tolerate it emotionally & mentally.
Thanks for any suggestions & help with this.

So earlier there was an argument as we’re on holiday and my mum ‘f 43’ and her partner Jenna ‘f 37’ had a little argument over what we should do when I thought everything was already planned. That was that nothing major, but she ended up leaving for nearly two hours.
Me, my boyfriend and step brother (my mothers parters son) were sat around and Jenna started saying she’s had enough and not to repeat anything but she’s fed up of my mum being pissed off all the time. I thought that was going to be it but no… found out my mum takes all of Jenna’s money every time she gets paid and only gives her a TINY bit. My mum is always constantly buying things and everyone is always wondering how she has the money for it and turns out it’s hardly ever her money. Jenna has struggled and asked her own mother for help with gas and electric when they’ve ran out and her mum barely has anything herself when my mums had money and lied about it.
Jenna has started questioning where her moneys been going and as a joke picked up my mums phone and said she’s going to check her bank and my mum snatched her phone back and got pissed off but then tried to play it off as a joke. Jenna knew something was up and went to the ATM with my mums card and checked her bank and there was £800 in savings… definitely not my mums money, if any is then it’s barely any of hers.
She said my mum also came in a few weeks ago and dropped 1k in cash on the table, for bills I think. WHERE THE HELL DID SHE GET 1K?! But the thing is I’ve lent my mum HUNDREDS at a time to catch up on all her bills then I have to wait months for it to be paid back and then she’s back in grands of debt again with money that’s NOT hers and it’s not even HER paying it back it’s always 100% Jenna but I never knew this until today. She says she’s bought people things like on birthdays or Christmas but SHE hasn’t because it’s NOT HER money.
Jenna broke down crying saying that time they broke up for 5 days she had the time of her life by herself and said she doesn’t even want to marry her but im unsure if she’s still going ahead with the wedding. She said my mum controls every aspect of her life, I’ve witnessed today Jenna ask for permission to buy something. And she’s wanted food and my mum hasn’t got her it. My mum has bought takeaways for herself with JENNA’S MONEYA BUT NOTHING ACTUALLY FOR JENNA. I’ve heard Jenna say she wants this and that and my mum goes “with what money”. I think my mum gives her £40 a month out of £1.5k (ish).
I’m not even sure if that’s the worst bit but apparently my mum threatens suicide and forced Jenna to get back with her and one time not that king ago my mum said she’d taken quite a few tablets after an argument then later on emptied out another packed of tablets into the bin and acted like she had taken an overdose and after hysterics from Jenna she said she was joking and that sent Jenna over the edge.
I can’t even look at my mum the same. My mum says to Jenna she needs more money to spend on petrol for when I drive her places but guess what…? She never gives me the money she always says no and she never has any money. Fucking bold faced lie. I ask her for petrol and she says she doesn’t have it but Jenna’s constantly giving her petrol money for EVERY trip I take her on.
She controls Jenna’s house with her constant cleaning. No shoes, sure that’s fine, but Jenna doesn’t care. Wash your hands as soon as you walk in.. okay? Sure. But don’t touch certain things. She’s made Jenna stop smoking in her own house. Tells everyone not to vape even though Jenna doesn’t care but she says it’s Jenna when it’s actually her. She makes everyone constantly clean everything. After a trip to a hospital you have to strip off at the front door and shower head to toe and wash your hair. She makes Jenna clean everything when going out, like now, we’re on holiday and she made Jenna clean the place five times over in a row. Jenna said she doesn’t care and wouldn’t do any of this. I don’t think she knows how to leave because if the suicide threats and my mum showing up to her house early hours in the morning and not leaving when they have had a breakup. They’ve been together for about 11 years now.
I’m really truly at a loss as I thought my mum was one of the most lovely, nice, respectable woman, how do I go forward?
TLDR my mum is financially abusive by taking all of her partners money and not letting her buy anything and getting them grands and grands in debt, lying about savings and how much money she has and making suicidal threats when there’s an attempt to leave, her partner doesn’t know what to do and neither do I

I’m f(21) dating (m21) for 2 years. for a while now ive felt like he’s been getting too comfortable, for example he’s on his phone 24/7. he can’t even brush his teeth without having an AirPod in watching something on his phone. It’s constant. Makes me wonder why I’m even over at his to begin with. Besides the point. I’m over at his house currently after HE invited me over to stay for a week after we hadn’t seen each other in a month, and won’t be seeing each other for another month after this said week. Every day that I’ve been here he’s been wanting to hang out with his friends. Not me. Again im asking myself why am I even here? He went out twice already after a couple of days of me being here, each time saying he’d only go for an hour but ended up being 3 (no exaggeration) while I just sit at his house alone with no communication. Also it was our 2 year “anniversary” yesterday, and he gave me the silent treatment all day and blew off our dinner date all because I said he shouldn’t hang out with his friend on our anniversary, which also I cried myself to sleep next to him that night and he shouted at me to “stop sniffling”. I’m lost and I feel stuck. I struggle with leaving people who are toxic to me. why invite me over when this is how he’s gonna treat me? :(

I’ve been sober for a little over two years. Most of that time has been amazing. However life has gotten more and more stressful the past 6 months. It’s been a combination of work stress, life changes, and just a general mental health lull. It has made me want to drink. so. badly. I’ve had cravings for alcohol almost every day the past few weeks, and it’s taken everything in me to stay away. I even got so far as to have a mini-episode where I frantically ran out of my house, went to a liquor store, and bought a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes. My girlfriend found me on a bus stop bench smoking (which i haven’t done in forever), luckily before i opened the bottle, and took me home.
I’m really glad I stayed sober, but damn. Every day feels like a battle. You’re telling me I seriously need to feel my feelings in full? Every day? Come on!
IWNDWYTD.

Just another fun little story idea I had. I am still working on Humans are the violent ones but I like to bounce around and experiment with ideas to see what I really like. I also suck at writing more casual stories, as they give me severe writer's block as I try to map out how to make a scene feel genuine in my head, but I promise I'll update that soon. If you like this story and want to see more, then like and comment. I'll gladly continue this series as well.
Start of Personal Log
Humans don't like being told what to do. They don't like being commanded, put in their place, or snubbed. It was an inexorable, inalienable trait of humans, at least any noteable humans, to go against any authority that they believed was against their interests.
Humanity would not fit amongst the stars. Few ever did. It was a trait of most successful species to be willful, ambitious, and to desire more. But once they reached the stars the new (and simultaneously very old) pecking order either quashed any spirit such species had or simply eradicated them. Countless tomb worlds and diaspora served as painful reminders of what became of the nails that chose to stick out. The hammer of order would always strike. There could be no compromise, the very soul of the authority that held the Jurisdiction together relied on a show of unmatched power, or at least the illusion of item.
In reality, the Jurisdiction was an old, fat, and lazy beast. It filled its belly on the corpses of empires far and wide, and sated its bloodlust on the shattered dreams of hopeful cubs. It had every right to, for none could challenge it: there were no new frontiers to explore, nor were there any other enemies to conquer. The Milky Way, as humans had so strangely dubbed our cradle galaxy, as well as Andromeda, had long since been warred over and settled for millennia before humanity had arrived, bright-eyed and with familiar yet otherwise foolish dreams of cooperation and prosperity. The Jurisdiction did not cooperate, nor did it ensure prosperity. Oh, it claimed it did, but in reality it simply took. The rest was just the peace that came with not being the direct target of the biggest fish in the pond. The humans didn't like that, but they had no choice.
Slavery was a common tribute. The Jurisdiction had no use for other resources: it simply took. No, it wanted those who could facilitate that unequal exchange, those raised in a world where the only morality was the one set by your lord. The Jurisdiction was held together by expectations, obligations, and dury more than any kind of shared dream, so when you were ordered to take you did so without question. Humanity was new: they had no niche or value that set them apart, but they had a penchant for killing and taking, so the Jurisdiction gave them a taste of how the galaxy worked. They killed and they took. The humans didn't like that, but what choice did they have?
Humans were strange. They learned, but not in the way most species learned. Most species learned to adapt in a passive way, to adhere to the world around them. They flowed like water, moving past and around obstacles and confirming to the boxes they were assigned too. Humans didn't confirm, nor did they adapt: they made their circumstances fit their desires. They would not move around obstacles, but rather smash through them, and they refused to stay in one box for too long. The Jurisdiction merely saw them as a particularly loud nuisance, but those who faced their wrath knew better.
It is said that when a beast seeks to make an example, it shall humble its rival by killing it's cubs. Children were one of those universal constants that brought entire communities together: the Sok’klar saw their hatchlings as gifts, shaped by the fruitful currents of the universe in perfect harmony. The Yarrack saw each and every newborn whelp as an uncut gemstone, ready to be shaped into something magical. Humanity oftentimes referred to their offspring as angels, or spirits of unbridled good sent by the gods themselves. Children were seen by most of the galaxy as gifts.
The Jurisdiction saw them as a lever to inflict suffering. It had become quite effective at enacting psychological punishments on those that stood up and spoke out. You dare to disobey? You believe you can speak out? Your gifts shall be taken from you, and you shall be without joy.
Humans didn't like this, but the Jurisdiction would have their pound of flesh, and humankind would kneel. And they did. But humans were patient creatures: most species who retained that trait of willful spit also lacked patience.
I had long since become desensitized to the Jurisdiction’s actions: it was simply how the universe worked now, as if it were a constant akin to gravity. Cruelty was the unspoken rule of this seemingly unending age, where our lives never appeared to move forward or backwards, only lay dormant. The Jurisdiction had been the unyielding authority that ruled the galaxy for thousands of years, venerable yet feared all the same.
And for the longest time I was just another cog in its wheel. My name is Kalnuracht Sedjuur-Noumar VII, and was the scion of the noble house Sedjuur-Noumar. I was born into what most would describe as veiled apathy, living a life that could be attributed to the privileged class of feared scribes that enacted the will of those above. I was an administrator and nothing more. And now I am doomed to be far less than that in the eyes of my former constituents within the endless administration. I am the only scion, as is tradition, and without an heir I am the last of my house, our name to be scrubbed from the records, worthless, meaningless, and forgotten.
I am merely Kalnuracht, nothing else and nothing more. I have seen from their eyes, the eyes of the downtrodden, and it makes my crimes of association with the Jurisdiction feel all the more damning on my worthless soul. I am worthless to the world, and this is my story.
End Personal Log #1
Start of Neural Lace Narrative Log #1
They came from the black like carrion birds in the night, encircling our convoy as if it were a dying animal ready to be picked clean without remorse. There was no warning, no list of demands sent out as civilized peoples did, nor was there either any requirement for unconditional surrender nor chance to parlay, as was done so under letter of marque: this was an unmistakable call for violence and nothing else. They sought to reduce us to slag and scavenge the rest.
So, as one would expect, the entire bridge of the ship was nearing a panicked state. This was not the actions of those practicing civility, but rather the common behaviors of despoiling barbarians, the kind that tore their way through the dark reaches of the galaxy as if they owned it.
“Wayfinder, what do your probes see?” Shouted the ship’s sovereign. He was an older Kar’Rowmach, an amphibious cephalopod species with a venerable history within the Jurisdiction going back thousands of years. Normally one such as him would be above me if it weren't for the fact that I was under the authority of the Jurisdiction’s seal of office. He didn't like me very much, but most of his kind shared the same sentiment.
“All dark, honorable Sovereign: the sensor arrays are wailing but the feedback we're reviewing is beyond incomprehensible,” the wayfinder replied with a certain restrained temper in his voice. The Sok'klar wayfinder swayed gently, his tentacled limbs grasping different metallo-liquid braille output arrays, the liquid gallium flexing and reshaping unnaturally to allow him to to take in multiple different sources of sensory output at once, with the primary navigation computer plugged into the cybernetics surrounding his opaque, gelatinous head and plugging directly into his tube-shaped brain.
The Sovereign cursed in Loskat and pointed to his bridge crew while I simply sat in the back, near the Sovereign’s symbolic throne. “Prepare countermeasures and spool up the warp drive, we cannot allow the amanuensis to be taken! He carries sensitive information that only he can translate and transcribe!”
As the bridge crew nodded and began fiddling with their own systems, I preened my feathered hide anxiously. I wasn't a fighter: us nobles of the cloth were the educated minority above all else, not those who waged war or partook in hard labor. Special cybernetics in my brain allowed me to translate triple-encoded messages that usually took a ducal signet codekey or above to parse, but even without that I was a skilled mathematician and logician. I had terabytes worth of knowledge stored within the hardware installed in my head, all well protected of course, but if I were to die it would still be a waste. I could only imagine the damage any malcontenders could do with it if they were able to get their filthy hands on me.
Suddenly, the ship rocked, and the gallium overhead display began to form crescendos like I'd never seen before. “Sovereign, decks A-3 through C-12 are venting atmosphere and our coolant systems have been obliterated,” the Wayfinder spoke in an almost serene voice, as if he was completely unconcerned by current events. I knew they were simply incapable of tonal displays, but it was unnerving nonetheless. “Once we jump, we will not be able to risk another until the vacuum of the void can reduce temperatures to acceptable levels within the plasma capacitors.”
“Damn them,” the armored nautiloid hissed, his barbed feelers coiling in frustration, “May the currents take them. What are our options? what can we see? This fleet cannot fall to the void today, not with such vital cargo.” My hackles rose lightly at the Kar’Rowmach referred to me as some object rather than an esteemed amanuensis of the Jurisdiction, but I bit my forked tongue. Now was not the time to squabble with the sovereign over who was what and what titles I deserved, not while he was so desperately attempting to keep what semblance of order within his fleet that he had left.
I could not blame the crew for being panicked either: wars were practically mythologized now, having been long since rendered obsolete with the rise of the Jurisdiction, and that felt like an eternity ago. Now, either being levied into or joining a ducal naval force was simply another career, more akin to serving as an officer of the law rather than a fully fledged soldier. Minimal training was required, most of it being the technicals of one's duty rather than any kind of combat conditioning, so expecting a fleet to actually be prepared for a combat scenario in a universe where peace was the norm was laughable.
“We are practically blind, Sovereign,” stated the Sok'klar Wayfinder, “our probes are offline, and shipboard graviton displacement sensory arrays have been rendered unreliable at best.”
“What about the particle emission array? Has there been a spike in radioactivity where we were hit?”
The Wayfinder seemed to think for a second, his gelatinous form flexing and morphing a bit before answering. “Affirmative, a jump from negligible to forty billion becquerels along decks A through E-5 on our starboard side.”
“Torpedoes…” the Sovereign hissed, stroking his barbed feelers, “Human Torpedoes. Only those primitives would rely on crude nuclear warheads.” He then turned to his militant leaders on the ship. “Noddos, Rel’ads: organize your phalanxes and prepare to repel boarders. We are bound to be assailed by those rancorous primates, and I want their skulls piled at my feet if they dare set foot on our ship.”
“Your wish is our command, Sovereign,” the two militant commanders spoke as one. Noddos, a large bipedal with multiple sets of curved spines running down his back, a pair of graceful horns sprouting from his head, and multiple rows of sharp teeth in his snout, bowed first, followed by Rel’ads, a marsupial with long saberteeth and thick fur. They both must have been fierce warriors in their own right to each lead a phalanx. They wore thick, semi-powered armor and held dueling polearms alongside their usual plasma casters, and seemed completely unfazed by the situation we were in. As they stomped out of the brightly lit bridge, I let out a quiet squawk of discontentment. “Sovereign, why haven't we jumped again? We are wasting precious time.”
“I am working on it, you spineless beaurocrat!” He warbled back, his feelers tensing in anger, “besides, it's not as if you're the one who will be spilling blood today, amanuensis, so flatten your wretched beak or I shall weld it shut with a plasma torch.
I was about to reply with something indignant, but the ship rocked again, this time causing the lights to flicker and the air to become… thick. The skin under my feathers began to blister, and I became lightheaded and confused. “Seal the damnable vents, initiate radiation scrubbers, and activate secondary life support!” Shouted the Sovereign, “Their nuclear weapons are rendering the ship inhospitable!”
I coughed up magenta blood accidentally, and I could feel more seeping from under my eyes. Some of the crew was in a similar position, but others were more resistant to radiation than I. The Sok'klar seemed completely at ease as he ran his tentacles across his morphic braille arrays before calmly announcing the ship’s status. “I've regained some control over our probes: ten, twelve, and seventeen are active and fully functional, the rest are either still malfunctioning or permanently inoperable. A rapid rise in localized radiation is also interfering with the detection of graviton displacement; we can't sense photon redirection, thus readings will remain inconclusive.
“Wayfinder, damn you, get me some kind of out here! We're easy prey until we can respond in kind!”
“Negative, something has gone awry with our processing hub, I am attempting to troubleshoot-”
And with that, the Wayfinder’s bulbous head exploded in a cascade of opaque lavender blood, covering the front half of the deck crew like a morbid art piece. Some of the crew screamed and shouted in terror before removing their cranial adaptors and choosing to interact with their displays manually. Others died just as quickly, unable to unplug in time as their brain stems fried or their blood boiled. It was a horrible way to go, having your insides neutralized by your own cybernetics, so I was glad I wasn't connected to the system.
“Cybernetic warfare! All systems are to be considered compromised, switch to manual settings or you'll be killed!”
The lights in the bridge flickered again, and the displays went haywire. The bridge crew, which obviously weren't acquainted with working without being hard-linked into the mainframe, moved at a much slower pace.
“Launch missile pods A through F and set to self-target after five hundred kilometers, then rely on their ballistic coordinates to begin firing broadsides! If we can't see the humans due to their meddling, we'll just have to feel them.” Shouted the Sovereign, “and got me a detailed report on the ship’s diagnostics readings. I need to know if this flagship is still capable of escaping or if we'll have to scuttle it and retreat on another.”
“Acknowledged, Sovereign, launching now,” affirmed another deck officer as he swiped across his own gallium output array. I could hear the dull thunk, thunk, thunk of missiles pushing out of their pods before racing off to their intended targets, then the mechanical whirring as the pods rotated to be reloaded by slaves in the lower decks. I was regaining my bearings as the many horrible sensations of being overwhelmed by radiation poisoning were beginning to subside, but I still felt as if I had been microwaved. The air was stale, the crew was horribly sick as well, and even the sovereign himself seemed to be on his last leg. I was beginning to believe that I might die here.
“Sovereign, a message from the lower decks,” shouted a communications officer, his chitin scraping against itself as he turned quickly, “they're requesting reinforcements, something about being overrun.”
“Impossible,” the Sovereign hissed out in a vain attempt to exude confidence, “We must outnumber the humans, they always go for bigger targets out of arrogance.”
“I've received reports that it's not just humans: the primates seem to make up only a third or so of the assailing force, along with some Phaeldaer and Vrex.”
The commander slammed his clawed hands down on his own output array in a fit of rage, obviously overwhelmed by the circumstances, “Then this wasn't just a typical assault, but something more sinister!” The nautiloid warbled, blood seeping from his shell as the full effects of the radiation took hold, “Get Rel’ads on the line, have him divert all spare lances to the lower decks or else we'll lose the only offensive capabilities we can use.”
“Rel'ads has gone dark, Sovereign, his vitals are critical.”
“Then either get me Rel'ads tail-leader or get me Noddos!” He screamed in rage, “don't give me this nonsense! If we don't pick it up we're all going to die, is that what you want?”
“No, Sovereign, I'm simply overwhelmed-”
“We're all overwhelmed! By the tides, I'm dying of radiation poisoning you nincompoop! Get me something I can work with!”
The officer didn't even acknowledge the Sovereign after that, simply turning back to his display. Eventually, the Sovereign was able to get Noddos on the line.
“Sovereign, two thirds of my phalanxes have been decimated by combat with the primitives and the radiation, the rest are in shambles. We must retreat and fortify elsewhere!”
“Then the ship is compromised! Rel'ads is unresponsive and the lower decks are swarming with intruders. We must evacuate the amanuensis to another ship.”
Just as the Sovereign spoke, I heard several gentle thumps rattle against the bridge’s door, and it made me uneasy. Some of the bridge crew seemed to feel the same, as they looked incredibly nervous and some even drew their sidearms. Just as the sovereign turned to give further orders, the door blew inward with a deafening explosion, followed by shouting and gunfire. Several of the bridge officers were dispatched quickly, brain matter and blood splattering against the delicate electronics. Others were shot in the legs, the torso, or in any other exotic yet non-vital body parts. The humans poured in, brandishing primitive ballistic firearms and jury-rigged energy weapons while wearing scavenged, legion-grade powered armor.
The Sovereign was the next to go, but he wasn't afforded an honorable death. He was shot along the arm with a particularly potent plasma caster, burning off his clawed hand and cauterizing the wound, the acrid smell of roasting chitin filling the already hot and cramped bridge. He fell back against his output array, the gallium reaching new highs and lows as more diagnostics and casualty reports were delivered, and he clutched his stump angrily. “I'll burn every last one of you in the foundries! I'll tie you to stakes, cover you in wax and set you alight! Your screams will be broadcasted all over the galaxy!”
One human warrior stomped up and slammed the butt of his rifle into the sovereign’s face, shattering his facial plates and causing blue blood to splatter across his section of the bridge. “Shut the fuck up, you mutant lobster,” the human said before dragging him by both antennae towards the center of the bridge and receiving a stained breeching axe from one of his comrades. “Emmanuel, start recording. We need proof.”
The other human nodded and pressed a button on his armor before lifting up his gun again. The rest of the humans fanned out, holding everyone else at gunpoint. I tried to get up and sneak out, but a human grabbed me by my neck and nearly wrung it out as he forced me to my knees and pointed a sidearm to my skull. “Get down, you piece of shit, before I blow your brains out too.”
“Damnable primate,” I hissed, but he bashed me in my skull with the base of his sidearm’s grip and sent me sprawling, making my already pounding headache worse. Another human shouted at him in a language I didn't recognize, but he sounded furious. The first brought me back up to my knees again, and I complies with a hiss and a groan, blood still leaking from my eyes and mouth and my world was spinning.
The Sovereign struggled, but he was weak from the radiation poisoning and he couldn't exactly resist on account of his lost arm. The human with the breaching ax kicked the Sovereign down and forced him to kneel before lifting up the breeching ax and splitting his chitinous head down the middle with one powerful swing, sending more blood and brains across the floor. “Execution confirmed, take his antennae just in case and we've got ourselves a bounty. Now all we need is that ugly cat’s teeth and the fat hedgehog-thing’s grimy spines and we'll be in business. Although, they do have skulls… we might as well just take their heads.”
The real horror of the situation dawned on me at that moment: they were going to kill us all, or maybe worse. They mentioned a bounty for the commanders, and multiple of the higher ranking ship officers were already dead, their brains splattered against the walls or their bodies torn apart by gunfire. I wasn't dead yet, but that didn't mean much since I wasn't an immediate threat.
“Alright, round them up and bring all the grunts to the hanger bay, then kill the rest,” the leader of the humans said in such a lackadaisical manner that his complete disregard for life almost made me sick… almost. I had seen worse from the Jurisdiction before, but usually that was from me delivering some kind of ordered judgment on a world that had sinned against order. I might have simply been the messenger, but I had seen many of the outcomes. “And make sure to collect whatever proof of bounties you can, we'll need to deliver them to the office to get cashed out. Don't let this be a repeat of last time where Juarez fucking forgot to take a few heads and it ended up cutting our profits in half, the fucking retard.”
Some of the humans chuckled at that as they dragged more of the senior officers away, out of the room and into the hall,where I heard gunshots. The rest of the bridge crew froze in place, different fear instincts kicking in. The remaining Sok'klar corralled together into what seemed to be a singular, semi-congealed mass as if to try and trick the humans into believing that they were much bigger and much more threatening than they actually were. The one Thei’chi on the bridge, an ensign who had clearly thought this would be a simple mission, bore her curved fangs at the humans and growled as they approached, her hackles completely vertical and her eyes dilated. They quickly muzzled and bound her before beating her over the head with a gun stock, sending her sprawling onto the ground. Many others simply cooperated, eyes wide and yet simultaneously empty, as if they couldn't quite process that the ship had been taken and the commanding officers were being executed as the rest were escorted to the hangar.
“Get the damn messenger down to the hanger as well, we need whatever data's in his ugly lizard head, then we can decide on what to do with him.”
I spat at him in spite, as if to try and seem brave, but it was clearly an empty gesture. “You won't get anything, primate! You couldn't possibly crack the encryption!”
The human holding me seemed to wind up for another swing, but the commanding officer simply held up his hand to stop my tormentor before strolling over to me. He knelt down and removed his helmet, revealing a beige-colored face covered in scars, wiry black hair cut down to the scalp, and multiple tattoos. “You're really fucking mouthy for a hostage,” he said before punching me across my beak faster than I could register. I heard a sharp crack as his fist connected, and my head spun again as the metallic taste of blood pooled into my mouth. “I'd advise you to shut up, but I'm sure you won't listen: you aristocratic types are so full of yourselves. Maybe I should have you flogged in the public square until your vocal chords give out once we rip those cybernetics from your head, huh? How's that sound?”
“It won't matter… it won't change anything… the Jurisdiction will hunt you down.”
“Maybe, but I doubt it will happen for some time: they really suck at doing anything that requires effort, even when they're mad enough. They just keep sending their rabid lapdogs to try and smoke us out, and they always end up full of holes,” the human officer said with a smirk, his yellowish-white teeth and green eyes sending shivers down my spine as he drew his knife. “They're just horrible at their job, you know? You've all gotten so lazy and incompetent after being able to just take what you want without resistance, and now that you've met people who are angry and crazy enough to fight back you act as if we're committing some grave injustice,” he placed the knife against my throat, the flat just underneath my now bent beak, “No, we just took a few pages out of your book, ‘cept we've got standards. No kids, for one…” he seemed to look off into the distance as his sneer deepened, “but it's more than that, we don't attack the defenseless in general and we still win against you all in fair fights.”
I went to say something else snarky, but he quickly grabbed my thin tongue with his fingers and yanked it out, blood from my mouth pulling to the floor as he held the blade of his knife against it. “No no, none of that. Say one more thing and I'll cut that rancid little tongue of yours out of your mouth and feed it to you,” he hissed at me, pressing the blade down just hard enough to draw blood. “Do you know what it's like to see a planet turn into a tomb?" he asked me, gritting his teeth, “Do you know what it's like to see everything you've ever known crumble to ash and glass, all the life and the green stripped away leaving nothing but bones? I do. I've seen it happen to countless worlds, and my grandfather always told me stories of how you bastards did it to Earth. He still prays in its direction five times a day, to Mecca, but he knows the Kaaba is gone now, or maybe it's still there, buried in the bones of those who sought refuge there.”
I didn't care for the human’s nonsensical beliefs, but I did care to correct him. “I've seen it before, and I'll see it again. And so will you, it's inevitable. The Jurisdiction will always have its judgment fulfilled, there is no alternative.”
“One day, I hope we can rectify that,” he said, then he sheathed his knife and slammed my head against the metal floor with enough force to nearly knock me out. As I lost consciousness, I could hear him speak. “Take him to the Chop Doc, and make sure the cybernetics don't get damaged: they're supposedly more valuable than any bounty on this ship.”
Warning: Severe radiation poisoning detected. Flush system immediately.
Warning: Neural Lace removal detected, chance of neurological damage high. Proceeded with caution.