Women pooping their

Preface: After doing some digging, I now see that Rythmia is a very controversial place. And frankly I think some of that is warranted. My intention with this review is not to suggest you go or not go to Rythmia. I don't really care what you decide to do with your life. I just hope this helps someone out there make the decision one way or the other. I think I have a very nuanced perspective and I feel like it's worth sharing for any people - like me - who are researching for their first trip. Thanks for reading this far! I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible, and limit how deep I go into my own personal experience.
My first impressions of Rythmia:

• Pretty nice digs, but I wouldn't call them 5-Star from resort standards. That being said, I'm pretty sure this is the nicest, most comfortable experience out there, in terms of just the facilities.
• Resort support staff are amazing. Leadership seems a little disconnected and culty. The program itself seemed pretty comprehensive and valuable at first. The "medical staff" I met with did not seem like doctors at all. They were extremely pretty, young, tattoo'd costa rican women. But maybe it's different down there? Immediately made me dubious of the whole "medically licensed facility" thing, but definitely nice people. The fact they do any sort of medical screening is probably a good sign.
• The food is amazing
• Immediately gained some insight and value from their classes. But by Monday I was starting to get a little turned off by some of what I was seeing/hearing (more on this below).
• I really thought the Shamans, especially 2 of the 4, did a pretty good job facilitating - all things considered. I will mention, that on the first day my immediate thought was "wow these shamans are really young!". I would have liked someone who seemed a little more seasoned, but I'm not entirely familiar with all of the shaman industry/culture, like some people.
• This place clearly calls out to the sick & hopeless. I expected some of that, but did not realize the extent of both physical & emotional trauma, baggage, and overall bad energy would be at a place like this. I grew to have a lot of love and compassion for the people I spent the week with, but I have to say it was pretty intense at times.
• The group experience, which they promote endlessly, is actually pretty horrifying. I would never do this as a solo person, especially if I was a woman. While I think I would probably come back, I’m definitely bringing a bigger group next time.
• Overall, I had a wonderful experience there with my girlfriend, but I don't think everyone would have the same experience as me. If you are in a dark place in your life, I could totally see this doing you more harm than good.

Facilities
Won't say much here, but from what I've seen, Rythmia has the best lodgings, food, etc. It's pretty expensive, even for what it is, but I rationalized it as you are paying for the safety. Which, at the end of the day may or may not even be true. I've read those stories too. But it definitely gives off a safer vibe than some of the more rustic scenarios. This is, obviously, a totally subjective and personal decision on what you would want more - modern or rustic. I personally thought Rythmia was a good first time location.
Staff/Leadership
All the support staff were wonderful and extremely helpful. Most of them had experience at the top resorts on the coast.
The specialty staff - massage therapists, breathework coaches, healers/shamans, etc. - were all equally amazing. I had amazing experiences with each of these people and I felt very deeply that they were there to help me be a better person. They really cared and it showed. Again, some of them seemed very young, but since I'm so new to this type of stuff, I felt like I really got some value from them. This includes the medical staff, but I just want to reiterate, none of the medical staff seemed like any doctor I had ever met. In fact, I didn't feel like 1 person I met the whole weekend was really skilled or experienced in dealing with crazy people or any real health concern. But, there were plenty of hands on deck at least.
The leadership, I have to say, was not impressive. For starters, half the people they brag about being involved in Rythmia, you never get any contact with. You're essentially guided through the program by the same 3-4 people, plus a few special guest speakers they have. I felt like leadership was fairly cold and uninterested in actually facilitating healing. Which makes perfect sense. They see 80 new people every week. But for whatever reason, the support staff are able to get it right, and these people can't. The only person who appeared to care was the 1 woman they have on staff (don't want to say her name). She's the only one that truly mingled with, and gave up her time for the residents. A lot has been said on this reddit about leadership, and I can't really confirm any of that, but I did come away feeling like they were a bunch of self-centered, ego-driven people.
Program
Like I said, I initially thought the program was amazing. You stay 7-8 days, 4 days of aya, and every day is full of classes. It just seems like there are so many resources at your disposal. I think, on some level, this is probably a good thing. I've read a lot about the more rustic experiences and people just having 0 tools to go into this process. So I think they've obviously put some effort into it, which is nice.
That being said, I think most of their classes ended up being pretty redundant for me, and borderline cultish. There were a lot of "hype" stories, including the owner's story, which I found to be an incredibly arrogant creation myth. You never hear about him actually making amends with all the people he apparently was terrible to in his previous life. He just ran away to Costa Rica. A lot of the leadership gave off vibes that they’re running from something. Idk, I just found it all kinda odd and it sort of hit me wrong.
For one, their intentions, and all the advice they give is necessarily vague and not really that helpful at giving context to the situation we are all about to experience. Beyond that, I really felt strongly that they were pushing the whole trauma thing a little heavy. Having heard a few different experiences from other people, I was shocked to not hear a damn thing about finding self love, acceptance, or a higher power in these required classes. It was all about how fucked up this journey is about to be, and you guys better strap in and face your fears head on. I just feel like this was a very iresponsible way of preparing a bunch of clearly traumatized people. They also REAAALLLY pushed consuming a lot of the medicine. The basic rule is, don't think, drink. Sounds like some weird frat rule. I feel like they are so focused on pushing people to the edge, just to induce this vague "miracle" they keep talkiing about. Anyways, didn't like that aspect.
By Tuesday night after my experience, I decided to stop going to the classes/meetings and just spent that time relaxing and integrating my experiences from the night before. After reflecting on it a bit, I really feel like the program is sort of dangerous for certain types of people - anyone who is highly unstable as it is. I just feel like it's not really the setting to have a highly unstable person (of which there seemed to be a handful) do 6-8 cups of medicine or whatever... I feel like it’s just asking for bad things to happen.
Last thing I’ll say is that it was abundantly clear to me that this program was meant to be some cookie-cutter thing. They don't have any real 1-on-1 support available. I talked to the "integration specialist" and it was a joke - just sat there and tried to sell me his books and shit. If you have a bad experience, I think you will be lucky to get any real help on that front.
Shaman Quality
I'm very torn about this aspect of the trip. I will say that I really felt like these people were there for the right reasons. There was only one head shaman I didn't care for out of the four nights (yage night, night 4). Overall, I got pretty good vibes from all the groups and saw numerous people make amazing connections with some of the healers that helped them throughout the week. That being said, all but 1 of the shaman groups seemed to have a lot of trouble keeping watch over our group. And we only had 45 people, rather than the usual 70-80. The thought of having that many people is terrifying to me.
Both night 1 & 2 got very hectic, and included them shutting down the "bar" early in the night. Multiple staff commented on how "fucked up" we must be the next day. I just felt like the shamans lost the rooms on those days. However, Day 3 - the divine feminine night - was absolutely amazing and the energy was entirely different. Some of the shares from that night were just incredible.
I've read reports on what is going on with rythmia and the shaman "industry" and how they've pushed out a lot of good ones and now it's all inexperienced people that don't really have a connection to the lineage. I could definitely see that. I do feel like they did a great job at other aspects of the ceremony though, like cleaning up and just responding to people that needed help. I'm not sure they always knew how to help but the vibe I got was that they were there to genuinely help.
I also felt very connected to the shaman's approach to the medicine - which seemed to differ immensely from Rythmia's approach - and I was saddened by the fact we don't really get to interact with the shaman or healers much throughout the program. Only when we are in a fucked up state at the end of the night do we get any sort of real wisdom from them. That side was a little disappointing. I wish the shaman were more involved in the program itself.
The Ceremony
There were parts of the ceremony I loved and thought were really cool, but overall I would say it was ruined by the number of random, traumatized people you're forced to do this with. Love all you guys, but damn that was horrifying at times. I can't imagine doing it with 80 people. The energy in the maloca was so dark come midnight, especially on the male side. I think if you can find a solid group to go with, it wouldn't be so bad, but I would not want to go solo, especially if I was a woman. I can't exactly describe it but there was just a lot of bad energy coming from the male side and the women there seemed so vulnerable. I've already heard one story of sexual assault from the week I was there and I heard of multiple people sleeping together during this retreat, which I just feel like is a terrible idea on something like this. So yeah, that weird sexual energy is there and worth watching out for.
Beyond that, I did actually have a pretty incredible experience. First, I want to say that I was totally into the music. I thought they did an amazing job curating the music and it was obviously very intentional at certain times of the night. I had a tough time telling what was being played live and what was on the speakers at times, but I think that points to how good of musicians they had there. The weird thing is you could definitely tell certain songs agitated the room. The harmonica in particular seemed to rile up the bad spirits. But yeah, overall I really enjoyed the music.
I also really liked the ritual aspect of it all. I thought the shamans really gave it an authentic feel. I’ve obviously never done it with a super legit well known shaman, but it definitely beats doing it in some guys apartment off the freeway. There was something special about the ritual itself. I found myself, throughout the process, imagining being in some maloca in a jungle 1500 years ago, and what that might have looked like or felt. I also felt like they had enough healers/facilitators to manage the room, which was nice. I’d say it was probably 2.5-3:1. If they didn’t exactly have experience, at least they had numbers and overall did a fantastic job given how crazy the scene was at times.
My Personal Experience
I want to preface this by saying I don’t consider myself a deeply troubled person. I have my fair share of “normal” traumas - past drug/alcohol abuses, toxic romantic relationships, parent traumas, etc. But I feel like I’m at a really great point in my life and feel very at peace with many of my past experiences. Also, I didn’t really buy into what Rythmia was pushing as far as their process and approach. Not that I think it was inherently bad, I just didn’t feel like it was right for me. As a result, I think I had a much different experience than most people.
First off, I didn’t really purge on the same level that most people did. Most nights I pooped once, and I only puked once in the 4 nights. They kept the bathrooms surprisingly clean. According to rythmia, I wasn’t “purging my traumas” but for the most part I didn’t have to fight it. I just focused on relaxing and trying to stay calm when I felt sick and most of the time it subsided. And a lot of the trauma stuff I wanted to work on going in, seems so insignificant now.
On average I did 2-3 cups per night. Of course, each night's brew seemed to be different. I had my most beautiful experience on just 1.5 cups (day 2). I didn’t appreciate all the pressure to consume so much, but I suppose it might make sense for some people.
Day 1, I had 3 cups and nothing really happened. I would equate it to taking about 3 grams of shrooms in terms of the body high. And then I just basically had pretty chill conversations with myself all night. Little did I know that most of those conversations would come back up in night 2 with much more significance.
The main theme for me day 1 was just managing my own energy in a room full of very fucked up energy. The energy was DARK and there was a very palpable sense that things were just barely in control of the shamans.
Day 2 was very nerve wracking for me. I was confused and frustrated with my lack of results the night before but I focused on just trying to stay centered in my own energy, and to surrender fully to whatever the medicine wanted to show me. Early in the night I had a mantra - “you are loved, you are protected, you are safe”. I pulled on the unconditional love from my mother and my beautiful girlfriend and this gave me an incredible sense of peace to start out the night.
Ultimately I was able to stay centered and received a full download from the universe that night. It was revealed to me what my purpose was in life, and the meaning/nature of life in general. I was shown my previous life as a healeshaman, and the medicine taught me to focus inward in order to project my positive energy into the world. I had visions about my girlfriend and our relationship. I had the most incredibly spiritual experience, where I felt like I was communicating directly with god (I’m not religious in the slightest). It was honestly amazing. I felt the deepest sense of gratitude and self love I had ever felt in my life.
That lasted probably half the night and then I was bitten by some bug and had to seek help. Through that sequence of events, I ended up connecting with an amazing healer who was working there and she was able to help me break down what I had just experienced and put it into perspectives for me. The last 3-4 hours of the night I just spent outside on a blanket staring up at the stars. Partly because I was called to nature, but partly because the maloca was a fucking horror show and I couldn’t focus on my own shit while in there lol.
Day 3 was interesting. I got no pintas, and no consultations. The best way I can describe it is I got to know myself more intimately and I experienced the most amazing sense of peace & joy. The energy inside and outside the maloca was beautiful. I got some downloads from the universe on how to live my life, and mainly spent the night in a hammock integrating my experience from the night before. I did 4 cups that night and had an amazing time.
One thing I do want to bring up is the number of people that were just calmly walking around outside, staring into nothing, touching trees, etc. I saw such a deep appreciation that night for nature and it was a beautiful thing.
Day 4, again, nothing much happened. It was a slightly more difficult night in terms of the physical discomfort. I also just didn’t feel connected to the medicine at all. I think part of this was the fact they didn’t really play music most of the night and a lot of time was spent on these group blessings which I just felt were kinda useless. By the time they got to me, even the shamans didn’t seem that interested. I was not a fan of how the day 4 shamans ran things, even tho I think they were the most experienced group of the week. Personal preference.
Overall, I’m incredibly happy with my personal experience. It seemed like most of my peers were going thru hell and back, and I felt pretty lucky to have had such a beautiful experience. As much shit as people seemed to be going thru in ceremony, I have to say I could really feel the healing in the room, especially on the 3rd night. A lot of people seemed to have breakthroughs by the end of it, which was a beautiful thing to see.
Final Thoughts

• Rythmia is one of the nicer options out there, but there does seem to be a disconnect between the support staff & healers vs. leadership. I didn’t really care for the vibes of the place, but I do feel like a lot of the healers and what not really did have the best intentions for you.
• I would personally never go here alone, especially if I was a woman. I really feel like you need some sort of support on this journey.
• While I did see a lot of healing going on over the last couple days, I wouldn’t necessarily suggest this for people who haven’t done a significant amount of work before their first ceremony. It just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do if you’re unstable as is.
• I’m very interested in the shaman tradition and what they believe. Just from hearing them talk a bit each night, I could sense they took a little different approach to it than Rythmia. They talked about it in much different ways. I would have loved to hear more from them throughout the week.
• To me, the medicine is about connecting with your true self (not “who you’ve become”). It’s about realizing your purpose, your special gift on this earth. It’s about finally realizing all the small joys we miss out on by being in our head. It’s about connecting to the deepest sense of self-love, peace, compassion, etc. - all of the higher level energies. It’s about forgiveness, not just for others but for yourself. It’s about letting go of this person you think you are and accepting that there is better out there for you. It’s about feeling worthy. It’s about connecting to nature on an entirely different level. It's about understanding what’s sacred in your life and worth fighting for. I can totally see why they focus so much on trauma, but I feel like you miss out on this much deeper experience. But that’s just my perspective…

I’m one year & 2 months PO & starting off my Saturday morning by reflecting. These are some changes in how people treat me and the effects it’s had on me. I wonder if other people have gone through the same as for me it’s actually quite hard to accept mentally. I’d encourage anyone to share their experience as I think it’ll help anyone who feels alone.

1. I don’t know why but I feel like I’ve actually lost some friends in this journey. I went through my journey of weight loss alone, never saw anyone until I had lost a certain amount of weight, so most people just saw the bigger me, then all of a sudden saw me as a smaller thin woman. Some have completely distanced from me since the day they saw “the new me” (I know I shouldn’t care, but it is sad losing friends over something that made you a happier person)
   
2. Not being invisible anymore, now this one as much as it sounds like a positive one, for me an introvert, that gets socially anxious and overwhelmed when I see more than one person, not being invisible is definitely hard for me lol. I think it’s a mixture of confidence and seeming more approachable or bubbly now that people generally tend to start conversations with me, people come up to me just to compliment me, I’m noticed a lot more. Which for me has been hard because I just want to be in a corner and be invisable, do what I need to do without too much interaction, but I’m changing so I try to welcome these interactions!
   
3. Being approached a lot more, as a female we all know the experience of being approached. Now as a bigger girl I had been approached as well, but now it’s rather a bit more frequent, I don’t like that at all. I feel uncomfortable most of the time. But sometimes they say compliments about my jawline&cheekbones being so defined, so I try to just take it as them boosting my confidence rather than approaching me haha.
   
4. Just some little bits and bobs of things; people have let me skip queues, people ask me if I need any help whenever I’m do something like pumping my tyres up, I’ve gotten loads of free food, extra stuff given to me, I have actually made a lot more friends and socialised a lot more, I get approached in my workplace which is very awkward and I look like poop at work so always catches me by surprise.
   
5. I will say that loads of the older generation tend to say horrible things about me now. I’m always a topic of conversation amongst extended family and so on. I’ve been told I was “too fat” before but now I’m “too skinny”, some older family members have CRIED seeing how small I am lol. The same people who fat shamed me now skinny shame me, I’m so particular about my space & do not attend any family events, weddings etc.
   
6. Possibly my favourite one but the women empowerment. I’ve been stopped by women to say how nice I look , it is probably the BEST compliments to get, ones from other females! I absolutely want to cry whenever this happens to me, these ladies have no clue how much they make my whole year by that confidence boost!
   

Now I will say, most of this stuff happens to me because I think I have more confidence, so therefore I’m more open to talking to people and I think people are able to read that from me as well. I think as I’ve gotten smaller, my personality has gotten BIGGER, people see that and sway towards me in that sense. I feel unapologetically myself (because I’m not horrible, I’m just slightly odd and weird without hurting anyone else in the process) and I feel like I can be me!
Another thing I’ll say is I definitely put more effort into how I dress and present myself. I spent my whole life hiding who I was wearing all black and baggy clothes, it’s about time I was true to myself and I like being a stylish babe. I dress to the nines for anything now cos I can 🤣

what is divine help? Divine help refers to the assistance or intervention from a deity or higher spiritual power in human affairs. This concept is prevalent in many religious and spiritual traditions, where believers seek support, guidance, protection, or miracles from their god or gods. Divine help can manifest in various ways, such as through answered prayers, signs, healing, or a sense of peace and direction. It is often invoked during difficult times, crises, or when individuals seek wisdom and strength beyond their own capabilities.
I just learned what this word was, I understand it means receiving the necessary support that someone that believes, receives in unexpected ways. And in my life, I’ve always had these blessings, here and there, and I’ve received answers and in some cases, materials or maternalistic things and they came across me, this has happened to me so many times… Divine help I’ve just came across earlier today I can relate to. I was at the dog park just walking around in the park letting my dog enjoy the nice weather as my dog doesn’t get out often, but I decided today was the day, and I didn’t plan she would of went poop, it’s been a while since I’ve taken her out and I truly forgot the bags. But as we were about 1.5- 2 hours into the walk at the big pond we have here my dog went poop and I looked up, looked back down, and said out loud, “now I gotta come back”, and I looked up and to my left and a women with a dog was walking and I asked her if she had a spare bag and she did. And our dogs got along! Good situation! I truly feel like this is another situation I’ve had with divine help. If you have any situations I’d like to hear. The blessings are there with true faith!

Can anyone point me to a good source (or their own experience?) that describes, step by step and play by play, what it's like and everything that happens when a woman takes a fat dump in a port-o-potty?
A cisgender woman in my book has a turtle head popping out and is faced with choice of clenching it back in, or braving a filthy construction site port-o-potty on the side of the road.
But as a real manly man who wipes it with his hand, who had been led to believe that cisgender women do not poop until recently when i5 found out they do (dont ask), I need to know in incredible detail (medical and technical), exactly how a woman poos.
LADIES, PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS BELOW!

doesnt use divider “NO NO THATS MY STUFF”
brings item in which ik sign is there “how much is this?” reasonable price “oh no i dont want it”
poop on walls of womens bathroom “the womens bathroom needs addressing”
greets customer “…”
doesnt have a cart and has like 2 items Steals my cart
“do you have boxes up here?”
total is like $18.17 gives me $21
“I have water”
tells customer to leave eggs in cart nods and puts them on belt anyways
“Are you guys hiring?”
lets their kid sit on shelf for putting groceries in bags
lets their kid click buttons on card reader and register
grabs drink out of mini fridge and leaves it on top of mini fridge instead of putting it back
puts eggs in aldi finds freezers
puts milk in mini fridge

Yes, this is a GENUINE question. I want to know if other people, doesn’t matter the gender, have met men who are none of the above.
I’m 24F and I have only been in one relationship in my life and it was with my ex of 6 1/2 years. We have a 2 year old together. One of the biggest points of contention throughout our relationship was his porn habits and constantly following women on every form of social media. I do not mind if a guy casually watches porn, we all have needs but it’s the fact that his manifested into so many aspects of his life and it did create a deep insecurity in our relationship. Personally, I don’t watch much porn because I find it boring and not very stimulating compared to just thinking of my partner, you know? But maybe this is because I am unable to enjoy sex with someone unless we have an emotional bond. For men i understand from a biological standpoint why their minds are more sexual but still, at some point I feel like it becomes TOO much.
For example, my ex followed many many many models and SWs, especially when only fans blew up a couple of years ago. He would always watch those skits on YouTube that were comedy mixed with sexual undertones, with a ton of different attractive women. He also likes watching the fanbus interviews and any kind of interview where a woman is being interviewed about sex. It’s like his mind is always thinking about sex and women. This is not normal, right? Can someone please just tell me there are men out there with healthy relationships with porn?
I always see snarky comments from men when this subject comes up, they are so quick to label a woman as insecure and that was something my ex did to me frequently. Instead of owning up to how his behavior made me feel, he deflected and said I was “tripping” and called me insecure and jealous. Is it not normal to start to feel an insecurity when your partner is taking in so much sexual content on a daily basis? When he is seeing so many different types of women he finds sexually attractive on a daily basis? I don’t feel like it’s insane to imagine someone becoming insecure from this especially when their partner deflects and gives no security.
Many things fell apart in our relationship, but what made me break up with him is finding his hidden twitter porn account. He made it in April of 2023 and by December of 2023 when I found it, he had followed 800+ accounts. That’s baffling. And what’s sad is during this time period, before I knew about it, I asked him if he had a twitter porn account out of curiosity because at one point TikTok kept talking about twitter porn. Especially on SW pages, comments like “the twitter is crazy”. In the back of my mind, no matter how much he told me he wasn’t watching porn (we had established that he had an addiction and that there is no “healthy” amount for him to watch, he needed to break the addiction first) I still knew in the back of my mind that he was. He told me after our breakup that it was like a habit for him, it felt natural. He would do it inbetween games, when he was bored, when he was pooping, basically any time. It wasn’t just brought on from him being horny. This is STRANGE, right? Am I crazy?
I just don’t want to feel this kind of heartbreak and insecurity again. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want a man to EVER watch porn, I’m not religious or a prude, but I just want someone with a healthy relationship with porn and who isn’t a pervert. Like come on, even the anime my ex watched had to be a harem or sexual in some way for him to watch it.
Side note: I’m not saying if you’re religious you automatically don’t believe in watching porn, I’m just adding context to show that I do not have outrageous views (like some extreme religious people have).
Edit: I need to clear some things up here, since more context is needed based off the replies I’ve received already. 1. I am not a “prude” or uptight or believe I’m better than anyone. I have sexual thoughts and perverted thoughts just like the next person. And I don’t like “vanilla” sex or whatever you envision a prude to be like in your mind.

1. I used perverted too loosely here. Everyone has perverted thoughts. I’m talking about extremes.
   
2. If you’re offended that I’m singling out men here… this is a subreddit about dating and I am asking advice so guess what, I’m not going to ask about another gender! Also, historically men have oversexualized women and over sexualized EVERYTHING. Just take a look at history, please. Don’t bother responding if you’re a menist, or a “not all men type”. If you can’t see that there is an issue with the way sexual content is thrown in our faces and catered to men, then you are either delusional or just uneducated. Which is okay. Just do some research.
   
3. I don’t have high standards or extreme standards for the people I date. This is just the one boundary I set because of my experiences with my ex as well as just being a woman in a society where women are held to high standards sexually.
   
4. Believe it or not this IS a genuine question. This is not meant to be a man-bashing post or even a post to bash my ex. I brought him up to discuss my experience and give context. Porn addiction is real, just like being addicted to social media or your phone. I have heard so many disgusting comments come out of the mouths of so many men in my life, so yes I would truly like to know other peoples experiences. Again I have been with one person, I do not have much experience to go off of.
   

Maybe take some time to actually read my post before becoming a keyboard warrior ready to bash me just because you’re offended anytime you hear a negative comment about men.

Greetings -
I am 43F, 5'9" 157 lbs, caucastion, large-ish bone structure. Current meds (taken the same ones for a number of years): adderall, bupropion, vestura. My problem pre-dates these medicines.
I have had slow GI movement since childhood. It bothers me because I often feel uncomfortable and bloated. Sometimes it's hard to pass anything. Hoping for some direction on speeding up GI movement, possibly for recommendations on books on the topic. I do not want prescription meds.
The issues with slow GI movement compounded when I gained quite a bit of weight as I crept towards my 40s. I decided to do something about my weight and size, so I embarked on a relatively rigid diet, vitamin/supplement, and exercise program. I lost over 90 pounds (yay). Even though I made great strides in decreasing my size and improving my general health, I still have slow GI movement! I am at a loss. If I want things to "move" I have to take exceptionally large amounts of magnesium. I'm talking between 1250-2000 mg in a day. Even in amounts that high I do not get diarrhea. I have never taken laxatives or stool softeners on a regular basis.
Yes, I have seen doctors about this. The doctors I see give me confused looks and don't have many answers for me because I eat right, exercise, drink lots of water, my weight and BMI are good, and my labs are excellent.
I just want to poop like a normal person and not feel bloated. :(
Here is a summary of my lifestyle:

• I started to use a food tracker app so I can stay within calorie/macro goals. I can tell you everything I have eaten/drank every single day of last 16 months.
• Weight loss was a journey - I played with my macros for months until I found a ratio that worked for me. My maintenance-weight macros are in the neighborhood of 40% fat, 35% protein, 25% carbs.
• I initially restricted calories to support weight loss but am now maintaining current weight with approximately 1500 calories per day.
• I take in about 3 liters of water per day.
• I do not eat gluten/bread - I don't have celiac's disease or gluten sensitivity. I did this because I found that eliminating gluten encouraged me to eat less carbs/less snacks.
• I rarely eat processed foods/things that come in a box or a package. I also tend not to eat at restaurants because it gets expensive.
• I do consume dairy products, including milk and cheese, but not in large quantities. I tried to eliminate dairy at times over the last few years and saw no difference with GI problems.
• I do moderate intensity cardio 5x per week and light weightlifting 2-3 times a week.
• I work a desk job, so getting steps AND a workout in is sometimes a challenge, but I try to get at least 5 thousand a day in addition to my workout.

Here are the supplements I can confirm I have taken for approximately the last three years, their amounts per day, and their purpose:
astaxanthin12 mgheart and skin health resveratrol180 mgcholesterol quercetin1000 mg antioxidant / inflammation turmeric curcumin500 mginflammation evening primrose1000 mginflammation niacin1000 mgcholesterol vitamin D310000 iubone health, immune function super Kvariousblood/bone health nmn1000 mgcellular repair women's probiotic 40 million digestion
The only thing I know I'm allergic to is Ashwagandha, an herb in many women's multivitamin supplements. Found that one out the hard way.
My labs are excellent - every measure is within range.
I welcome your thoughts.

You ever see a cat or rabbit give birth? Usually it's done with ease and less than 30 minutes. For them it's just like taking a large poop.
Now, human birth is horrific. Firstly, because we are bipedal, the hips are more narrow, making it harder for a baby to fit through and even then, most human babies are born * early * and helpless because if they came out any latet it would be 100% fatal.
Secondly, the human baby's head is massive, combine this with narrow hips of the mother and you get one of the most painful, difficult and risky births in the natural world.
But now we have assistance and medical care, but before this, death by childbirth was the 2nd most common way for a person to die in all of human history! Only behind malaria! That is just shocking and honestly makes me feel ill. Like we shouldn't even be here as a species with these rates of mortality.
Did you know that wealthy women in the Victorian age would write their will when they found out they were pregnant?

Hello all!
TLDR: Boyfriend (33M) watches reels of women instead of sleeping with me (31F), What can I do to not let this bother me?
I’ve (31F) been with my boyfriend (33M) for almost 7 years. When we started out we were having lots of intimacy (sex, cuddling, etc.) but it wore off after about a year or two naturally. We went from having sex multiple times a day/more than 8+ times a week, to once every week, to every other week. He voiced that he was upset at the lack of intimacy so I tried to initiate more and things got a bit better.
A few years later he started a new job that took a heavy toll on our sex life. He was very stressed with work so of course wasn’t in the mood as much as before, which was fine! I have toys and he would hang with some neighbors in the garage to let off steam and I got my rocks off in the bedroom, no worries there. Things continued to get even more stressful (sex was now once a month) and then he quit his job.
Covid started and he and his dad opened a family business that I work for. Since then sex has been once every few months and I feel like I’m drowning, it’s been like this for a couple of years. Granted, owning and running a business are really hard, but it would be nice to feel appreciated a bit more. He used to compliment me all the time and that is a very rare occasion now. I gained some weight during Covid but have worked really hard and now am smaller than I was when we met (5,0 110lbs). I’ve expressed a desire to have more sex and every time he says it’s because I’m always arguing with him. I’ve explained that I only argue because I’m upset all the time but it never really clicked until this past weekend when I explained that I would argue less if I wasn’t so pent up all the time. That seemed to click in his brain and since this weekend we’ve had sex twice, I came once which was nice, but still I want more! He also knows I’d love more. He knows I’m down to have sex every single day, morning and night, join me in the shower, flop me on the bed while I’m folding laundry, anything! He also used to be like this. He’d wake me up in the mornings and we’d have sex, come home from work have sex, etc.
So here’s my dilemma (besides wanting more sex lol) he’s watching reels of girls showing their boobs and *other stuff* all the time, not in front of me, but while in the bathroom in the mornings and in the bathrooms at work. In the mornings he gets up a couple of minutes before me and goes in the bathroom and watches videos (I’m assuming to ‘get off’ but maybe he’s just scrolling while pooping? idk) But he knows I’d be happy to be woken up to help! I just don’t get why he would go the bathroom instead. He also watches them when I’m doing arts and crafts in the other room or doing puzzles instead of coming in to tell me he’s horny. I would drop whatever I’m doing most of the time to go have sex, so I’m just confused.
The women he watches all have stick straight hair (mine is super curly) and have big fake boobs and butts which I don’t, 5.0 110 with a modest b cup and no ass. Should I try doing butt workouts so I have a larger bum? Mine is absolutely as flat as cardboard, if I flex my booty it concaves inward, I kid you not. It’s an anti-butt. Or straighten my hair more? I can't grow boobs or I would.
I just don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but it’s really hard not to when he still seems to not actually want me. Or is it normal for guys to watch stuff like that throughout the day?
Anyone have any advice or been in this boat? Thank you for your replies!!
TLDR: Boyfriend (33M) watches reels of women instead of sleeping with me (31F), What can I do to not let this bother me?

SABOTAGE?! And it all started out as such a nice idea… A cliche as tall as my ex-roommate’s erection live-blending Kelly Bundy Mike Kelley and Ted Bundy parafernalia wearing blondes to the sound of gekko’s mating in the Amazon. Cut the bullshit! There’s no such thing as a nice idea getting detourné by some smart art postpostsituationist pranker or right-wing gaswhitey flexfrat, no, my dear well-meaning peace dove friends, if an idea can gets turned into its opposite during its execution, it probably was flawed from the start! Sometimes people use Woodstock 99 - the limp dickshit rape and pillage slash and burn disaster edition - as an example of how a great, positive, wonderful, hell, holy idea can turn into the worst kind of evil in the hands of the wrong people. Well, dear naivopino’s, let me inform you: bull-shit! The whole idea of Woodstock, be it ’99, ’94, ’69 or 2219, is just batshit dumbwhat asking for the baddest kind of trouble right from the bat. Or, what? Do you honest-to-dogly think that during the original (I retrovulsely puke into my stomach even using that wretched word) edition of 1969 nothing was burned, stolen, no women were raped? What, just because there were no sperm dna tests, nigh to none options for women to speak up against sexual violence let alone the fact that speaking up against rape during that whole shitshebang of a weak acid trip’s campfire get-together was near to blasphemy in the hippie community means that no women were raped? Because men all of a sudden turned into meek little dickies lambs for three years from 1968 to ’71? Fuck that shit. Please. I don’t even want to spend a single move of a single digit of my old hands having to make anything about that largest circle jerk-off in history clear to you. Read your books. Do your homework. Anyway, that’s what I was thinking about when a friend told me recently about another of those so-called great ideas gone hilariously wrong in a little map smudge of a town in of all fucking places Belgium for chrissakes. Let me admit to you, right here and now, no smirk no smile on my face: I laughed so hard when I heard it I shat my new Calvins. Framed them afterwards, too, in a nice little Nielsen A2 birch. It’s sitting there, stinking the fuck out of my storage, waiting for a good stock market crash to come. Never underestimate the potential of the future art market gold rushes. My shit, my gold, bruv. So, these two clowns of artists in Belgium (are there any other there? don’t get me started on rené ma bite or marcel bread arse here!) had the ammazing idea to get themselves funded by the local government in this hamlet of three houses called Watou which apparently would be part of - ok, stop me here. Not in the history of mankind has ever ended a sentence well which tried to explain any aspect of Belgian politics, topography or whatever the call the thing there where a man rides a horse stark naked and bites the neck of living goose hanging from a tree? (See, that sentence didn’t end well either, did it, what’d I tell you? Cursed stuff!) Let’s try that again: two artists in the Belgian town of Watou had the splendid idea to organize a festive event, in the middle of summer, whereby all the people of this little village (if you’re thinking of blue skinned vikings charging Roman legionnaires in a berry-induced bad trip frenzy, well, so am I) for one day left their houses, dropped the key of their house in a transparant bowl on the town square and all went to the field adjacent to their village to well be (as in: not fornicate) together and thereby, if I had a press release I’d quote this from it: practiced a performative experiment in hospitality and neighborship where no fixed rules are applied. I’m guessing if you’re sensitive like I am to the finer things a life, you might as well start looking for your nearest Nielsen frame too by now, but hey: we haven’t even gotten to the joke yet! This was all the serious stuff. Let me summarise it even more briefly for you, just to get it out of my haemorrhoidical system: Imagine a village. Everyone leaves their house at the same time. Leaves their front door open. Drops the key to said door in a large bowl. Drifts into a field somewhere off to do fripp knows what (no rules applied, but probably: no fornication whatsoever.) Got the mental image? Good. Now get the fuck out of that dream and imagine any sad little teardrop of a town you know. Imagine who lives there. Imagine all the people you know who live in a town, or rather, fuck that, imagine all the people you know. Now imagine that some dogoodydoodydoobywah wants to “bring the people together again” and “mend the social bonds which had been broken by” yaddah yaddah yaddah. Okay? Now imagine the fucking assholes - they might even be you - who get they absolute mostest pleasure out of ruining the naive, well-intentioned ideas of others? You see what I see? The doodygoodoo is a bit all alone on his white ivory hilltowertop, right? All the others apparently prefer to start mayhem, to jinx other people’s efforts, to laugh - loud! - at their friends tripping over their own feet. No? You think in your ‘reality’ people are ‘decent’ and ‘rough diamonds’ or ‘deeper than you’d think they are’? Well, my dear, that paradisiacal odor you’re smelling all around you is the smell of your own shit cause you got your head up your ass! Listen and suffer! Because what happened in our not-just-proverbial Belgian village on that sunny morning in July… a couple of the townspeople - we’ll never know how many but I’m guessing almost everyone except for the government-funded, from-the-city hippie artists was in on the joke - had invited some acquaintances from the town next door to quietly enter the village while everyone was not-fornicating on the idyllic field, to take all the keys from the bowl, lay them on the train tracks which run along the town, flattening them to perfectly unusable little steel flabs and placing them back in the bowl. So when our supposedly resocialised townspeople entered their village that afternoon, ready to get their key, run to their house and close their door for at least the next 364 days, the immediately realised they couldn’t close their doors anymore. Total mayhem ensued. Men started chasing women, people pillaged their neighbours houses, children and adults alike pooped on all toothbrushes they could find, underwear was thrown into compost heaps, compost heaps were thrown into unlawful indoor spas, hundred thousands of untaxed euro piles were find inside old televisions and grandmas paintings. There was no stopping them. Housewifes hung themselves after their portrait, tits out and all, was found hanging above at least three beds in different houses. It was bad. Real bad. By the time news of this feast of anarchy and murder had spread to the nearest villages and the police arrived, the artists had of course long disappeared, no doubt to narrativise their failure into a story of experiment and learning and cash in a couple of fat pay checks.
And you know what the name was the artists had given their beautiful day of harmony and collective connecting: Open Doors Day. They sure got it, their open doors day, they sure got it. Serves them right. Serves them damn right.
peace - out!

So I'm a veteran recently diagnosed with PTSD. My ex-wife is a veteran diagnosed with PTSD/MST. Her trauma occurred before we met. It was horrible and she never shared it with me. I was hooked from the moment she transferred to my platoon. We quickly began an affair for the ages. Hot, steamy, carnal like you wouldn't believe. Wasn't uncommon for us to have sex 5-6 times a day on work days. After maybe close to a year she asked me to marry her. I was still a kid myself as she was 5.5 yrs older with a little boy. But I said yes. Soon she was pregnant, and that was when things began to change. As hot as she was she was far more experienced than i was, quick tempered, and very skillfully manipulated her environment. I started picking up on suttle things but once we were engaged and she was pregnant it was like a light switch and alm kinds of crazy started to emerge. Her sexual appetite was almost exhausting too. I was 19 and was burning the candles at both ends trying to keep up. But, she pushed the envelope professionally, didn't necessarily get along with other women although she was desperate to. She was beautiful and sexy and I felt she intimidated a lot of girls. Guys flocked to her and this was another complication. But then she got in trouble. I found out she was moved to our unit due to disciplinary issues and she found herself in trouble again. While pregnant she was charged with assault. I didn't think she really dis anything wrong as I was the sole witness but they prosecuted her anyway and kicked her out. But prior to that she became intoxicated and attempted suicide. Loosely but still counted. She was admitted to a psych facility for 72hrs very pregnant. During our courtship she would drink, and smoke pot occasionally. I didn't approve but she had a fuck it attitude. She never failed a test though, but it became concerning to me. In order to keep government quarters we had to be married so it rushed our marriage. She blamed me for her being kicked out too. While she was in the hospital I learned of her sexual assault by her team leader. She later told me she had been assaulted by multiple men. Instead of charging anyone they transferred her to my unit. We were MPs. Imagine what she must have gone through. No justice, called a trouble maker and shipped off to another unit where she would be sexually harassed by ANOTHER team leader. I was there and I knew this man's proclivity.we reported him together only to be threatened by the LT. While defending her to my leadership, hers, the battalion leadership and even brigade I became a target to my command as they disnt like being dragged into her shit. Looking back it was a losses cause but I felt she was being railroaded and I believed in truth and justice and morals and integrity. I THOUGHT these senior NCOs and Officers did too. After her discharge she snapped. She abused alcohol, drugs, verbally and physically abused me, our children, was always volatile, suspicious, driving drunk, accusing me of cheating, etc. After six months without a job we became financially destitute. I couldn't even out gas in the car. She didnt leave the house hardly, always angry, and our marriage was imploding. She disnt even give our daughter my last name! We fought in the hospital over it! It was terrible. I was stressed. She started making my life hell and interfering with my career. I came home to my quarter to find her smoking pot...on base! I was on duty as a military investigator! I could smell it outside! It's like she was trying to destroy me too. One day I came home and she informed me she was working at a strip club! She began drinking a mnd doing drugs. Sometimes she didnt come home. One day we got into an argument and she wouldnt let me leave. I left to smoke a cigarette and called the MPs. When they arrived and she opened the door she had given herself a black eye. I was arrested. I was stripped of my rank, remanded to the barracks, removed from investigations, etc. I filed for divorce. I was ordered to stay away from my home and remanded to the barracks. She started having parties, men in my house, keeping my daughter from me, started stripping, was continually drinking and getting high, not cleaning the house or cutting the lawn. I got chewed out by my 1SG and housing SGM for 4 ft high grass! Ordered to clean it up. When I went there with a witness the house was destroyed. Ani.al poop everywhere, moldy dishes everywhere, dirty laundry everywhere. A cat tied in my babies crib! It was so bad I asked the SGM to evict her which he did. She took both cars leaving me with no transportation. When I took one back she sent someone on base to take it back while she was out of state. It was a constant nightmare. She was getting me in trouble left and right. Eventually I practically had a nervous breakdown. My career was ruined, I had leaders threatening me every day to separate me, I lost all my rank, was on permanent CQ duty, not even allowed to urinate without permission. You read that right. I was going through all this and recovering from major knee surgery. After 5 weeks my CPT cancelled my rehab. My mom came out for a month to help me because no one in my unit would help. Mo one would talk to me for fear of the 1SG and CPT. They whispered their support a d apologies to me when they could. I eventually lost it when the 1SG demanded I have my room inspection ready while on crutches in a knee immobilizer. He threatened me again and I called him on it. 6 months later I was separated. I was not in combat but the PTSD my ex suffered I suffered but I didn't know at the time what she was going through. I just thought she was nuts. I guess in a way she was. Today she is service connected 100%. Tosay I am diagnosed with PTSD from what I went through and what she put me through. Can a soldier develop PTSD from dealing with the PTSD of their military spouse? I think I did and the VA says I did. But I'm not service connected. I. Pursuing a claim at the moment among other injuries sustained in service and secondary conditions as well. Have any of my fellow veterans developed PTSD from a fellow military spouse's PTSD amongst your own experiences and if so what were those experiences? What did you contend with from your spouse and how did you handle it? How did it contribute to your PTSD then and today? Are you service connected due to secondary PTSD from your military spouse? Thanks for reading my long winded experience.

Hey everyone, I don’t frequent this sub or anything, but I wanted to share this with you all and I hope it helps someone!
My dad was a nurse for about 30 years before he retired, and when he finally did enjoyed about a year of it before he started getting RLS.
Nothing the doc did helped him, or could really explain it, but he did cure it himself in about two or so weeks. He says it was his cure!
I told him he should share how he did it on the internet, and he said he didn’t really know how, so I’m gonna try his treatment, which may not work for everyone, it in hopes that someone else out there maybe finds some help.
First I wanna say, again, he was a nurse and helped patients who couldn’t help themselves, and worked in the field for a long time.
In researching how some women were getting it, in pregnancy, or around their period, he was thinking that it could have something to do with pelvic nerve impact. He also remembered that when he was taking care of patients with epilepsy, back in the day, there would be some that could actually get seizures triggers by having really bad constipation, and basically impacted colons.
He said doctors actually told him to check that with patients, and a lot of times once the impact was cleared and removed, patients would stop higher frequency of them etc.
All this is to say, in his mind, he thought maybe nerves in his pelvic area or belly were being impacted by build ups in his colon or maybe he wasn’t pooping as often as he needed to; so he decided to do a test on himself.
He took milk of magnesia for two weeks (I know, it seems like a long time) but his idea was to make sure nothing was building up inside or getting too solid, and he noticed that it was lessening. His RLS was getting better, and by two weeks it completely left.
Edit: if he senses nerve impacts he will take a dose, which is rare after his initial two week treatment. He hasn’t really lost sleep because of it since.
I’m not saying this will work for everyone, but for him - he was convinced it was the pelvic nerve issue was one caused by build up in his colon, for others it could be a whole host of stuff. I just wanted to share it because I’ve never heard of a cure like this! And I was really happy for him.
Edit: his words “the idea is that even internal varicose veins, or period vascular congestion can cause it, so I thought maybe a full bowel could too. “ based on the epilepsy stuff he knew from being a nurse etc mentioned above. He thinks that maybe as nerve endings run down out of the base of the spine, to innervate the legs etc, they run by the colon, that they’re getting impacted etc
Edit on dosage: For dosage, he said just one dose a day, to start, as the idea is to keep the stool moving and not sit and back up. But people’s bodies are different, so adjust if needed etc.
He also adds lol “but pople have to stick with it.. if they try it for four days, not enough time. If they complain about too much diarrhea, they are just not being made miserable enough by the restless leg stuff. for those of us who really were , diarhhea was nothing to deal with”
I hope this helps someone!

I was super excited about the menstrual cup and did a bunch of research on it. Unfortunately when I tried it for the first time I found it pretty uncomfortable.
I got it inside very easily and also managed to get it to open (using punch down). I was on cloud nine since I thought that would be the hard part. When I got it to open it was only halfway in. I wanted to try removing it since I wanted to test getting it out when it was half hanging out of me. I guess a part of me was irrationally worried that I wouldn't be able to get it out once it got too high inside. I squeezed the bottom and tried to pull but it was painful. I got it out and tried a couple more times with some more folds (triangle, 7 fold, origami fold) but with not much more success. I was getting more and more stressed out with each try and gave up in about 5 tries.
my best guess for why I was feeling pain was maybe since when you fold and insert it, it is quite small but when I'm squeezing the bottom and removing its a lot larger. Note: I wasn't feeling any pain inserting it.
I really don't want to give up since I've seen so many beautiful stories of women finding their cups and loving them so I want to try again tomorrow. Please shower your advice on me, more experienced menstruaters :)
EDIT: I GOT IT TO WORK here's how I did it incase anyone who's had the same problem is reading
1: first, instead of pinching the bottom I slid a finger up and broke the seal by pressing against the side of it (near the top and not the bottom)
2: after I broke the seal I used my other hand to slowly drag it out (with my finger still pressing the cup to stop the seal from forming again also bearing down the way you would do when you poop.
3: once I got enough of it out I pinched the bottom and kinda refolded it back into a c fold shape (with my finger still at the top)

1. after this I could just take the cup out by wiggling it out and tipping one end out and then the other. ta da! you're done

if anyone thinks this is that helpful I'll make this into a separate post so more ppl will see.

Hi fellow menstruating humans, I was super excited about the menstrual cup and did a bunch of research on it. Unfortunately when I tried it for the first time I found it pretty uncomfortable.
I got it inside very easily and also managed to get it to open (using punch down). I was on cloud nine since I thought that would be the hard part. When I got it to open it was only halfway in. I wanted to try removing it since I wanted to test getting it out when it was half hanging out of me. I guess a part of me was irrationally worried that I wouldn't be able to get it out once it got too high inside. I squeezed the bottom and tried to pull but it was painful. I got it out and tried a couple more times with some more folds (triangle, 7 fold, origami fold) but with not much more success. I was getting more and more stressed out with each try and gave up in about 5 tries.
my best guess for why I was feeling pain was maybe since when you fold and insert it, it is quite small but when I'm squeezing the bottom and removing its a lot larger. Note: I wasn't feeling any pain inserting it.
I really don't want to give up since I've seen so many beautiful stories of women finding their cups and loving them so I want to try again tomorrow. Please shower your advice on me, more experienced menstruaters :)
EDIT: I GOT IT TO WORK here's how I did it incase anyone who's had the same problem is reading
1: first, instead of pinching the bottom I slid a finger up and broke the seal by pressing against the side of it (near the top and not the bottom)
2: after I broke the seal I used my other hand to slowly drag it out (with my finger still pressing the cup to stop the seal from forming again also bearing down the way you would do when you poop.
3: once I got enough of it out I pinched the bottom and kinda refolded it back into a c fold shape (with my finger still at the top)

1. after this I could just take the cup out by wiggling it out and tipping one end out and then the other. ta da! you're done

if anyone thinks this is that helpful I'll make this into a separate post so more ppl will see.

AND there are cleaning aunties sitting inside the washroom. I know they're just doing their job and I'm so GRATEFUL to them for keeping the stalls clean. BUT I just cannot do my thing when I know they're right outside and can hear every single noise that comes out of my stall 😭
This actually happens to me a lot in public washrooms that I end up just holding it in instead of using the toilet because I feel very awkward. Is it just me? because honestly I see other women use these toilets without any hesitation. I think I also have social anxiety so that makes things a lot worse. I just HATE silent washrooms. Even if there are no cleaning aunties, there are still women in other stalls and honestly I cannot do my thing in peace while I constantly have to worry to not make any noises that are a normal part of pooping. It should be mandatory for washrooms to have some kind of noise system, maybe like a loud exhaust fan.

Hey everyone! I recently had my laparoscopy and endometriosis excision after years of pain and infertility, and was confirmed to have advanced endo. I myself am a doctor and hope that by and sharing a "surgery action plan" including both my personal and professional experience, it might help you as well! It includes all kinds of things big and small that I found helpful or wished I'd thought of sooner that made the experience much more manageable.
~DAYS/WEEKS PRIOR TO SURGERY:~

• Pick up at a drug store:
  • Ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin)
  • Acetaminophen (Tylenol)
  • Miralax (stool softener)
  • Liquid IV packets (or other hydration powder)
  • Prescriptions: depends on your surgery but may include things like ondansetron (Zofran) for nausea, and oxycodone for extra pain relief if needed
  • Organic/cotton pads (if you have a hysteroscopy where they look inside your uterus with a camera during the surgery, you will likely have some bleeding the first couple days)
  • Optional:
    • Extra strength simethicone (Gas-X) — theoretically may help dissolve the gas they use to insufflate your abdomen, which causes significant shoulder pain
    • Diphenhydramine cream (AKA Benadryl cream) — the surgical glue over the incisions commonly makes people itchy, and can be treated with benadryl cream
    • Chloraseptic sore throat spray or throat lozenges — for sore throat after the breathing tube
    • Herbal tea packets — I found warm tea helped my throat after the breathing tube more than anything else)
• Buy a weighted microwaveable heat pack if you don't already own one. I cannot emphasize enough that having some light warm pressure on your abdomen does wonders for the pain in the first couple of days! These packs are like a smaller version of a weighted blanket, but designed to be warmed up in the microwave. There are some great natural options that are filled with things like corn or flaxseed. It was also surprisingly helpful for the shoulder pain that you get from the CO2 gas they use insufflate your abdomen during surgery, so I alternated placing heat there too, but Etsy also has some great combo options that have both a belly and shoulder heat pack (Bonus: they come in some really cute prints!): https://www.etsy.com/market/corn_heating_pad
• Start taking miralax to loosen your stools 5-ish days before surgery, since you will get narcotic pain medications that can cause constipation. Nothing is worse after this surgery than feeling like you need to strain to poop! I bought a box of Miralax with 10 packets and took 1 per day, mixed with a packet of Liquid IV in a 32oz water bottle starting 5 days before surgery, and continued this through 5 days postop. It made a world of difference! Of course, hold off on taking for a couple days if your stools get too loose.
• Hydrate! Water and Liquid IV are your friend. You have to fast for a certain amount of time leading up to surgery depending on your hospital’s guidelines, which can make you dehydrated. Drinking lots of fluids will will help keep your poop hydrated (see above) and will make your day of surgery better for everyone — it makes your blood vessels more plump and easier for your preop nurse to get your IV. And most anesthesia medications can make your blood pressure drop, so you want your blood vessels nice and hydrated so you have “room” in your blood pressure for the drop when it happens. Don’t sweat this though, if they feel like you need more fluid, they can easily give it through your IV once you're back there!
• Head to the grocery store to pick up nutritious, easy-to-make foods for recovery since you won’t feel like going to the store in the first few days postop. Things like fruit, scrambled eggs, plain pasta dishes, and avocado toast worked well for me.
• Plan your comfy outfits ahead of time (see sections below)

~DAY OF SURGERY:~

• Clothing: Wear loose fitting DARK clothes made out of a very comfortable material since the material will make contact with the area right around your incisions. I say dark because you may get a little blood on the clothes after surgery where the incisions ooze some. You won’t want to put your normal-size underweabra on after surgery because the bands will feel tight, so you might want to just do a pad + loose dark pants. I also put on a dark soft t-shirt and got a couple splotches of blood on it. And then over it all I put on a thick zip-up sweatshirt that I would be comfortable wearing out of the hospital without a bra on (zip-up so you don’t have to reach over your head and use your abs to pull it on). I also recommend slip-on shoes – pulling on tennis shoes was surprisingly painful!
• Bring to the hospital: Pad to wear home, Liquid IV packets, and the pain/nausea medications you've already picked up (not to use at the hospital, but in case you need them on the ride home). Don't wear any jewelry, makeup, or lotion.
• You’ll be brought to a preop area and asked health history questions, likely be asked to provide a urine sample, a nurse will start your IV, and you’ll have a chance to meet your care team. Ask your surgeon and anesthesiologist/anesthetist all the questions you have!
  • Ask the surgeon how/when they plan to inform you and your family what they found, about activity/weight-bearing restrictions, and how long you have to wait before “anything in the vagina” (menstrual products, sex, etc).
  • Ask your anesthesiologist specifically about their plan for pain and for nausea. This surgery is very high risk for postop nausea – those with the highest risk of nausea are young women, who don’t smoke, get narcotics during the surgery (which you will), and have a history of motion sickness or prior postoperative nausea. Add the fact that they are operating on your reproductive organs and that they will insufflate (basically inflate) your abdomen with CO2 gas and this is a huge recipe for nausea! Don’t hesitate to ask your anesthesia team for all the extra preventive measures they can offer for postop nausea.

SURGERY/POSTOP:

• You will likely be offered some optional “relaxing medication” (usually Versed, which is like a cousin of Xanax) if you want, then rolled to the OR. You will move to the operating table, have your monitors hooked up, breath fresh oxygen through a mask, and the team will let you know you are going to sleep.
• Next thing you know, you will be in recovery! A lot of recovery is about managing pain and nausea. If you need narcotic or non-narcotic pain medications, don’t hesitate to ask! I however was already feeling very nauseous and had cramping pain, so I personally did not want more narcotic and asked if I could have all the non-narcotic options first (so they gave me a form of IV ibuprofen called ketorolac).
• Warm pressure is your friend! Ask for a warm blanket on your abdomen and around your shoulders if you’re having pain in those places.
• Every time the nurses offered me to try something to eat, even just the thought of it made me so nauseous. But I brought a Liquid IV packet to the hospital with me and that was leqitimately the only thing that revived me (they aren’t paying me to endorse them I swear!! But if there are any Liquid IV reps reading this that would like to sponsor me let me know!! Lol)
• Before you leave the hospital, have your recovery nurse write down when you are allowed to take your next doses of ibuprofen and acetaminophen

LEAVING THE HOSPITAL/FIRST FEW DAYS:

• For the first 72 hours, you can take 600 mg ibuprofen and 1000 mg acetaminophen (typically in the form of two 500 mg pills) every 6 hours on a scheduled basis to stay on top of the pain (unless you have a condition that prohibits you from taking either of these, such as liver or kidney problems. Please check with your doctor!). While you're asleep, your surgeon likely will do numbing injections at the sites where the laparoscopic ports are, and those injections usually wear off around 12-18 hours after surgery, so don’t be surprised if it initially feels more sore with time — this is why I recommend taking the pain meds in a scheduled manner to help! I staggered mine so I got to take one or the other every 3 hours (see below), but you can also choose to take both at the same time every 6 hours if that is easier to keep track of. My example:
  • 4:00- take 1000mg Acetaminophen (typically 500mg pill x2)
  • 7:00- take 600mg Ibuprofen
  • 10:00- take 1000mg Acetaminophen
  • 1:00- take 600mg Ibuprofen …and so on
    • This schedule helped me avoid having to take any of the narcotic I was sent home with, but everyone is different, and if you feel you need some for pain then don't hesitate!
• The CO2 gas that was used to insufflate your abdomen during surgery is totally safe, but sticks around for a couple of days as it slowly diffuses into your blood stream, and you breathe it off naturally (CO2 is a main component of what you normally are breathing off, so you won’t notice a difference)! What you will likely notice is it causes shouldeneck pain! The gas collects under the diaphragm and the nerve irritation actually refers the pain to your shoulder(s). The best thing you can do for this is move around to help the gas dissipate! Gas-X theoretically may help dissipate the gas, so I took this twice a day the first few days. Warm heat on the shoulders/neck and sitting or sleeping propped up may help as well.
• Eat something bland and healthy. I had fruit, scrambled eggs, plain noodles, and avocado toast during my first day, and that sat pretty well for me. Your throat may be sore and dry from the breathing tube, so keep that in mind if considering dry foods! You can also drink warm tea or use chloraseptic spray for your throat.
• For the coming days after that, have lots of loose fitting, soft clothes to wear! Move around to help the gas dissipate, and stay well-hydrated. Take care of yourself, and lean on your loved ones to help you as well. You've got this!!

Oh good.... I've never posted on reddit, but it looks like I can "save draft" and come back later. I don't know how long this will be. EDIT: I have finished typing. It's long. I will go back through and label it in different "parts" which I'll put in all caps. You can make it a shorter read by skipping down to part 2
PART 1:
Anyway, a little background. I grew up being a bit depressed all my life. I looked good to women and got approached during the times I was thin, but always had a weight problem. I was always shy around women and never dated much. My only saving grace was that I got into a field of work that I loved. I became a nerd. In 1989 I got my license and got to do what I enjoyed. '89 was a big year for me. I quit smoking got thin and healthy I felt good about myself.
In 1993, I got a computer and joined a live chat group, I think was called IRC (for Internet Relay Chat). I joined a group called 30's singles. It was there, that I felt safe and comfortable flirting with women. It was fun. I, (a male, 39 years old at the time) had never been married nor had a serious relationship. I had had sexual encounters a few times since I was in my twenties, but not a lot. It was on 39 singles where I met a woman, lets call her SWMBO ("She Who Must Be Obeyed" for those of you who never saw "Rumpole of the Baily" It should be said aloud with a shudder in your voice for full effect). Anyway, SWMBO was a very conflicted woman. We became a bit of an online off and on romance. We talked for some time on the phone, and spent a lot of time on "30 Singles". At one point I drove from Denver to Albuquerque over the weekend to see her. Over time, she slowly confessed things to me. (for instance she wasn't in her 30's, she was 41, she also confessed that she was married but separated (which I found out later was a lie). While she visiting me in my motel room she, at one point, laid on my bed and said "kiss me". I refused, since she had told me she was married (albeit separated). It (later) became apparent that she was looking for a husband before she was going to go for a divorce from her husband. Another time, she came to Denver and stayed with her son and DIL and we met up again for a nice dinner. (She we religious, and against premarital sex, but she had this son when she was 17 and still in HS). Again very conflicted.
Anyway, I kind of stopped having much to do with her because of her marital status. After some time (months) SWMBO showed up on my doorstep announcing she was divorced. She had lost a lot of weight and was extremely attractive. We started dating and getting sexually active. I was head-over-heels about her. Her sister lived in the the same city and hooked her up with an apartment management company, where she got a free apartment, and was the manager. Although we had some rocky times, I was in it.
In 1996, my dad died. I grew up with a great set of parents. My dad love my mom very much and would have done anything for her. We grew up in a very healthy lifestyle. I even felt guilty about my being depressed for all those years, because I later met so many people who have had such a hard time. We were white, dad was an engineer and made enough to support mom and us three boys. I was hurt. I went immediately to mom's house in North Carolina and we grieved with my mom, brothers, and other relatives who came to support us. I was on the phone with SWMBO every day. During one of the conversations, she told me she was going to go on a date with Bob. A guy she had met there. I asked her why she would tell me that at this time and pointed out that I was grieving the death of my father. I just couldn't understand why she would tell me that.
In 1998, I lived in what we call the "foothills" which is the flat plains area east of the Rocky Mountains. I saw an opening for a job on (what's locally referred to the Western Slope) and drove 5-1/2 hours away to talk to the hiring person about working for him. It was a higher cost-of-living area and would mean more pay because it was considered a hard to fill position. I was offered the job (partly because I was the only candidate). I took it. When I got home I told SWMBO that I was taking the job and she could move there with me if she wanted (mistake number 53, I think). Anyway, we moved. After we got there, SWMBO started talking about how she would have to get a job, and I would need to start helping out with some of the housework. I was like, whatever, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. She kept putting off trying to get a job. We found a house we both liked and I bought it. After closing, she got all pissed that I had not put her on the deed. (She didn't even come to the closing. Obviously she would have had to sign a lot of closing papers if she was going to be on the deed. Anyway we were in that house for a year. and she started talking about how we weren't married, and that her son was giving her crap about it be it being against the Bible or some such thing to live together out of wedlock. She also adopted the saying "You can't have the milk if you don't buy the cow" (or however that saying goes). So she said we have to get married. I was like "whatever". So we did it. We had a ceremony at the house inviting friends and family. I number of my relatives came a lot because it was such a beautiful area and a very touristy town. This was in 1999. Later, she started talking about how she felt that this house had bad juju. She could feel. She even invited over some people she had met from church and they "could feel it too". Yes it's obvious I was an absolute simp. But she was insistent that we get another home. I was just like: "whatever". I know you all see it coming. She wanted to get on the deed.
In 2001, there was another job opening back in the foothills that would have been a promotion for me. I applied and got the job. We now moved back across the mountains. SWMBO and I had stopped having sex not long after we got married. She was controlling and I had lost all attraction for her. I was just living my life and supporting the dead weight. It was like being single only cost a lot more money. SWMBO, over the years, had started touting that she was a housewife. I earned the living and she would take care of the house and my needs. She started out washing and folding my laundry making dinner and keeping the house clean. She slowly tapered off, complaining that I never put my clothes away, etc. She eventually quit doing my laundry altogether. She started making less meals (she never made breakfast or lunch). It got to where she would say that since I got weekends off, she felt she deserved weekends off and I had to figure out what to make for dinner. But even during the weekdays she would say something like "I'm having a protein drink and you're on your own for dinner". She would make a dinner maybe two or three time a week. She also started saying we needed to hire someone to clean once a week. Basically, though, no one was good enough for her.
Now her oldest son let's just nickname OS (he's another side story I can tell about at a later time) lived in the same city as us. He was a bodybuilder and a big womanizer. One of his women moved in with him. She had been in prison (another side story) and after she moved in, she was getting custody back of her son. When she told him that he kicked her out. Let's call this woman MH (for meth-head). MH somehow found a place she couldn't afford. SWMBO hired her to clean once a week at our house. She actually did a very good job (I just don't know where she got her energy (lol)). MH was getting evicted. She wasn't looking for a new place to live very much and SWMBO stepped in. Dragging her out to look at apartments she couldn't afford. SWMBO finally said we would have to put MH up until she found an apartment. Now we were stuck with her and her son. (PS MH was not a very good mother.) This was sometime in 2018 or maybe early 2019. I had again lost a lot of weight (dropped from 255 down to 175 over the course of a year.) My health we extremely improved. I was as happy as I had been since 1989.
PART 2:
I was turning 65 (it felt like a big milestone for me), I had decided to retire the month after my birthday, I was getting a pension after 28 years with the same organization, it was the year of SWMBO and my 20 year anniversary of "blissful" marriage. On the day of my birthday, SWMBO's niece (let's call her "Niece", was visiting us from the western slope. SWMBO was planning a birthday celebration that night for me. It came. SWMBO was not very happy. She was kind of making her day miserable. She decorated. We had a pretty bad "party". At nightfall, Niece and I started listening to music on the back patio and drinking. (I have always drank every day after work. I am not a mean drunk and had never been mean or abusive). After her son was in bed MH joined us. SWMBO stayed in the house and stewed. At one point she got angry with MH and said she was going to get out. (I never wanted her to move in in the first place, but I was hard-pressed to kick her sone to the curb). The three of us sat out on the patio until the wee hours (maybe 2:00 on the morning) having a grand old time.
(sorry it's taken so long to get here).
In the morning, I got up around 9:00 a.m. My wife was pissed at me and told me that I had to kick MH out. I told her "no". (maybe the first time I had ever stood up to her). She was MAD. She asked "So your siding with her over me?" I said "yes". I never saw her so mad. Just anger in her eyes. She hauled of and slapped me as hard as she could. I have never slapped or fought anyone in my life, but I slapped her back. HARD. That made her even madder. She was seeing red 100% (for John that translates to 1M%). SWMBO then hit me VERY hard on the side of the head with a closed fist. She was still trying to fight me and I grabbed her and held her off. I absolutely lost it. She later said that I had her in a choke hold. I don't know but she finally stopped struggling. I started cursing her out loud (which I never did before, and telling her all the things wrong with her. She went and sat down at the dining room table, totally deflated. MH and Niece came out of their respective bedrooms to see what all of the commotion was about. I went and got SWMBO's gun and hid it in the shed. I called 911, had second thoughts and hung up. Then called and hung up again. I didn't know it at the time, but if you call 911 and hang up, it puts them on high alert and the sheriff's office came out (so did EMT). They interviewed every one in the house about what they saw and heard. I was in a daze, but told them everything as I recalled it. I told them that she hit me with a closed fist. They asked me where, but I said I didn't know exactly, but that I had a headache that seemed to come from right on the left side of my skull. I also mentioned that I wasn't prone to headaches. The one shining light was that when they talked to SWMBO, she admitted that she hit me first. I think they would probably have believed her over me if she had not said that. They hauled her off in handcuffs and had her put on an MRO (Mandatory Restraining Order). She had to spend the night in jail, and couldn't come back home.
The sheriff deputies told me I could go to the emergency room at no cost to me. I declined. Five days later I was still acting dazed and confused. I mentioned what had happened at work and some suggested I should maybe go to the hospital. I agreed and one of them took me there. I was in and out surprisingly quickly. An ER doctor saw me, and I told him about getting hit in the head and that I still had a headache. He asked me several questions along the line of whether I had fell down, and other things to help him decide how serious it was. I said "no" to all of his questions. He then told me that, based on my answers that I probably did have a concussion, but the questions were aimed at whether there was a possibility that something else may have happened. He said that there was no real way to test for a concussion and that my headache would probably get better.
It didn't, although maybe your brain eventually get's used to it. I don't know. But I kept having troubles. In retrospect, I don't think I should have been driving. I had about three or four accidents with the car. One time I hit a parked car and dented it by the front fender. I left a note with my name and number on it. They called me and I paid to have it repaired. Two other times I hit a curb and ruined a tire. One of them times, I just couldn't get the tire changed by my self (I later realized I was super weak on my right side). Another time, it was after midnight, and it just took me forever to get the tire changed. (That was a rental car and another story that I might tell in a different post).
I kept getting worse. Three months after the big fight, I decided to walk to a convenience store after dusk, to get some cigarettes. I was 100% (ie 10,000,000%) sober, but I had a VERY hard time walking. I didn't seem to be able to lift my right foot of the ground. I was stumbling around. I kept finding myself in the middle of the street and would work my way back. I finally made it there and back home. I walked up to my front door leaning against the house. I should have called an ambulance, but stayed home and drank. The next day, I was still bad off (MH had been telling me I should go in for a while). I asked her to take me. I got there, and told them about what had been going on. They did a brain scan. It turned out that I had been bleeding into the left side of my brain for 3 mos. (to the day). The surgeon told me that I was scheduled to have surgery @ 10:00 the next morning. The nurse taking care of me, introduced himself as "George". He said that a lot of people there called him "Beau". (lol it later struck me that I was being watched over by "Beau George". All you youngsters out there look up "Boy George" in your internet machines.) Anyway my headache started getting very bad. I told Beau George that I was having the worst headache in the world. That I couldn't stand it. (honestly, I finally realized about why sometimes people kill themselves because of pain). Beau George got me a prescription dose of Tylenol. I kept complaining. Eventually he told me that the surgeon was coming in to do the brain surgery. As I was being wheeled in, I texted my two brothers at 2:00 a.m. that I was on my way in for brain surgery (in case it wasn't a success).
Anyway, he had to cut a gash in my head and drill a hole in my skull. They put in a tube and a put a clear bladder on the other end which they put in my front pocket. I felt great. immediately. I had to stay in NTICU (Neuro-Trauma Intensive Care Unit) while the monitored how much blood was coming out every day. It had to get down to less than so much before they could remove the tube and staple me up. (the gash they cut open that is for where they drilled.)
Sorry.....not over. I got out on Thanksgiving Day of 2019. I felt GREAT. I made a turkey, and had just a wonderful couple of days. Then on Saturday, I was in the foyer, when I had a full-blown seizure. It was weird, the feeling before I went down. I came to, and had started trying to crawl up on an easy chair. MH found me and there was blood everywhere. I had full-on pooped my pants. It stuck to high heaven. She (MH) called 911 and they took me in. I was in the holding area for a vey long time. I had a robe on and took off my shit-filled pants and underwear and asked a passing nurse to throw them away. I finally got in and had to have same thing done all over again. The drain tube, the bladder thing 3 weeks in the hospital. I went through the exact same ordeal.

I (22M) has been dating this girl (22F) for almost year and I knew her from a friend group from our Covid hangouts during highschool. I should’ve known I was wrong for dating her. Let’s call her Caitlyn and her husband Thomas (22), I first met her because she needed help with trying to cope with her abusive husband who at the time talking her into having xes at the age of 15 and getting pregnant. In our culture it’s okay to date and marry young but not with the same last names as it’s considered a taboo and she still went and married him because she fell in love with him only after 6 months of dating. Every time Caitlyn had a child it was due to him struggle snuggling her and wanting her to not leave the house or so I thought… she had told everyone that story only because Thomas was a known cheater and slept with Janice’s cousin on their wedding day Thomas is a cheater at heart because towards the end of their divorce he told her that he wouldn't stop sleeping with other women and to sleep with other men because he does not care. Continuing on to 2023 when she finally divorced after a couple of years and having 4 kids she became a single mom. I always thought to myself that I love helping people and maybe I shouldn’t let the kids get thrown away from their dad because I also come from a single mom home. I reached out to her and ask if she needed help and surprised to know that she doesn’t know how to drive. I told her I can take you to practice as long as you promise to get your permit, she agreed and we first vibed right away. Laughing, talking, and even agreeing about how things were in our lives and how shitty it’s been. Later that night we hook up and I immediately fall in love, note that this entire time after the divorce we’ve started dating only 2 days after her divorce. During the start of the relationship Caitlyn would think about her ex husband and how there were so many great memories, one of which when they first had a kid together. I told her that if she still had feelings I wouldn’t mind just ending it here if she still needs to figure herself out. She was firmly strong on saying that she is over him and just reminiscing on the past that’s all. I just left it at that to cut her slack. Although I knew that she still needed some closure she did get it from Thomas when he told her he wanted to get back together but knowing she was with me she couldn’t. She chose me but it felt like she only did it out of obligation to use me as an escape goat. Caitlyn suppressed her feelings and took it out by going out to the bar with her friends leaving behind the kids to Thomas’s cousins. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea but I left it as is because again I was cutting her some slack, but the part where it gets a little frustrating is because her friends are always backing her up even though she committed to being a mom. Her friends are the typical party girls that love to go bar hopping and I never really wanted to go because I rather use the money to go traveling but Caitlyn never liked the idea because she was always wanting to go drink since she never got to live her 20's. Note that I never realized how bad her living situation was, she had roaches all over the house, food left on the floor, plates in the sink, bathroom with poop smeared on the walls, plushies that were molding, blankets with obvious spoiled and crusty milk in them, clothing that hasn't been washed yet, no couches, no food in the fridge, and the kids were always making a mess. If I ever wanted to hangout at her house I would have to bring an extra pair of clothes to deal with the roaches and dirty living situation. At this point I'm even more surprised to see how she is as a person, to add on to the unresponsible acts of being a parent. Whenever her children were hungry they would always scream at her because they were hungry and she instead would just give them snacks and chips. I eagerly told Caitlyn that she needs to get her shit together because none of this will slide if CPS found out the situation she is currently leaving them in. Caitlyn first cried and said she will fix herself to be a better mom and girlfriend, I knew instantly that she will try from here on but nothing really changed because Caitlyn never took initiative I did. I would come in during my half days and clean her house, set out poison to kill the roaches, make food for her and the kids when they come back home being dropped off by her mom. I also bought her a new desk so that she can get her permit. None of which she worked towards when we got towards the end of the year, she never got her responsible act together, throughout the year when she had kids she said she couldn't get her permit/license because the kids were home. When her ex husband took the kids, she would then just go bar hopping with her friends because she needed a break, then when her friends are busy and she doesn't have the kids she would just say she is tired and that she's lazy. She always blamed that because she is anemic she is lazy and always cold hence why she always blast the fuck out of the heat increasing her bills and the growth rate of the roaches. Circling back to the end of the year, I tell her I'm losing interest and feelings because its the same thing over and over, just bar hopping and no overall growth. During the relationship Caitlyn was dealt with a car that she cosigned for Thomas during the marriage and when he divorced her, Thomas promised to take the car back but never did. Which I helped her by selling the car since she didn't know how to, she had no idea how the entire process worked especially with negative equity in the car she had to take out another personal loan. I was okay with her having those problems as long as she works on getting her permit/license. I can go on and on but that's the gist of the background story. The main story is when I break it off on the week of New Years because I told her I can't handle her not being a responsible mom. She begged for me back but I turn a blind eye. Fast forward 1-3 months we try to work it out as long as she tries to get her permit I would get back with her because I still love her. I can handle a bad wife but not a bad mom, I forgot to mention that she also hits her kids because of the anger she gets from finding out that Thomas cheated on her so she is used to hitting them. I told her that she must fix her habit of hitting the children because they don't know any better and that she must stop going to the bar because it's helping her in any way. One day I had the urge to release some tension and I called her to see if she wanted to hook up but I wanna take her out on date before doing so, she agreed but just wanted xes because she had her kids. I come over and after half an hour into our session, she kept on making remarks like "Oh Thomas said my ass got fatter and that he was jealous that you and I were sleeping together." Which initially made me think on how did she get this information, I then asked her to swear on her life that she never slept with him and she wouldn't, she would just say I needed some dick okay? At least he didn't cum... My blood boiled, I then cuss her out and tell her that she is a bad mom and that her kids doesn't deserve her. When Thomas decided to leave her for another woman in another country she was struggling, when she couldn't get the roaches out of her house I helped her out, when her credit fell I helped consolidate her loans and educated her about credit, when she didn't know what to do when she owed the IRS money she ran to me for help I helped her with a cousin that's a tax attorney. I helped her with everything and I tell her that while crying, I tell her that she would never get me back and that she could never ever come to me for help. That same time her friend calls me and tells me that I shouldn't have said all that, and that I should apologize for even saying those things to her. I respond back by saying that you and her girlfriends should be helping her instead of taking her to the bars, but instead you all just enable her and tell her she is doing great in life. Caitlyn's friends tell me that I am just being insecure and that I can't expect her to live to such high standards, and I tell them I can because any mom would do what it takes to make sure their kids are fed and healthy not with rotting teeth and constant stomach aches. Her kids even call me daddy and tell me they are hungry because mommy won't cook for them. I forgot to mention that the kids are only 5, 4, 3, and 2 years old. I leave the house by saying that she is her downfall and that she is a bad mom to them, and that I would've been a better parent to the kids than she will ever be. Her family tells me I did just fine but her simps and friends are all trying to text me and call to tell me I'm the asshole, for just letting her go over some dick that she needed. A part of me is telling me to go back to her because she made a mistake but a part of me is saying that she created her own mess and I shouldn't be apart of it. She wants me back but I can't take it, what should I do?

My wife whom I’ll call Kermit here, and I got married in 2022 after meeting her at university. She was taking env sci and I was taking mechengg
Kermit was a pretty lady, initially kinda shy in public, revealed an eccentric personality when I got to know her. She had a quirky personality and I liked that. Kermit kinda hated her dad. Her dad owns a local grocery store and the business was his life. He was very involved in his business, not very good at it and completely absent from Kermit and her mom’s life. She also lives pretty far from university and her friends. She hated where she used to live because she couldn’t just go and meetup with her friends whenever she would like. And the train ride was 1.5 hours to university. Neither could she drive. I blame her parents for all of her miseries because she was an only child and they brought her up as one. She didn’t have any responsibility around the house and her parents wouldn’t trust her with any.
Fast forward, we get married with the blessings of our parents. I was an international student but I was on my 16 month internship term at a well paying company so money was not an issue. But because Kermit was her parents’ only daughter, they insisted that I move into their basement and live with them for the first year so that Kermit’s transition to this new life becomes easier. Hesitant at first, I finally gave in to Kermit’s plea and moved in even though it was not a proper basement suite. It did not have a kitchen, so we would have to go upstairs to cook. Big mistake. I insisted on rent but they wouldn’t take it.
Soon I realized a drastic change in Kermit’s behaviour. She stopped listening and responding to my requests like she used to. She would wake up at 4/5pm and go to sleep after fajr. Essentially she would go to bed when I would wake up to go to work and would wake up when I would come home from work. I used to take transit to work that would be 1.5 hours each way, yet she would barely wake up before I would get home. She would leave her laundered clothes on our couch for months in without folding them. She never cleaned the washroom, and she would always keep the sink messy and wet. Messy and wet sinks are a big no for me but I still said nothing. I would clean all the gunky gooey face wash and soap residue after her. She would stuff clothes in her dressing table drawers without folding them, it was so bad that it would spring out whenever I would open the drawers. She would wear expensive clothes and then would pile them up on the bottom of the closet, wouldn’t even hang them. When we had discussions about it she said she didn’t have enough space, so I moved all my clothes out and gave the closet all to herself. I took out all the stuffed clothes from the drawers and I folded all the clothes for her a few times and asked her to maintain it. After a couple of months it would be back to square one. Our beside table was her garbage bin, full of garbage, even though I put 3 garbage bins just in the basement alone.
I requested her to pack lunch for me a couple times but she would get extremely agitated. She never cooked anything for me, but I made her steaks and cooked food here n there. She never planned anything for our anniversary, birthdays or any special occasions, but I would always pour my heart out. We had 2 cats and 1 of them started pooping on the carpet around the litter box instead of inside the litter box. Initially it would be because it would be full, but eventually she just started avoiding the litter box completely. She would poop on the carpet in a corner between 2 couches. And that would stay like that for weeks and the stench would be deadly. I wasn’t allowed to clean the litterbox or the poop because apparently if we mix the cleaners our cats would die. I tried to talk to her about all these but she would just keep quiet and not respond and say yes she will try to do better but then forget all about it the next day.
Now comes the worst part, she wouldn’t shower for 2/3 weeks at a stretch and that is outright disgusting to me. Most of the nights I would sleep alone in the basement and she would be upstairs either wasting time on social media or sleeping with her mom or she would be cross with me for expecting too much from her, although I barely got anything from her.
During our whole marriage she never called my parents to ask them about how they are. Whereas I would regularly not only do things for her parents around the house, I would wake up at around 5:30am go to work, come back at around 6pm, eat something and the go slave around her dads business, ofcourse free of cost. I fixed their car multiple times saving them thousands of dollars. But she and her family took it all for granted and always made me feel like I am below them.
I would always come straight home after work to spend time with Kermit, but she would always make up excuses. We couldn’t go for simple walks, cause she wouldn’t feel like it, we barely watched 6 movies in 15 months of our married life, she wouldn’t wanna do any couple activities, and her physical fitness was taking a toll on our love life. She would cancel plans left and right depending on her mood. Funny but I would also be jealous of her female friends because whenever they would plan indoor hangouts, she would doll up very beautifully but she would never do that for me, or when she would go out with me. Whenever we would go out on trips, I would have to plan A-Z and she would have zero input in them. I slowly started to get frustrated and depressed.
The basement we lived in was also very messy when I first moved in. It was full of cardboard boxes and business papers from the 2000s. It took me 3 months to clean everything and make that place in a small cute place we could call home. I wanted to invite our friends over to our small little place and hangout but unfortunately, Kermit had 0 say in it and she barely cared about it. I was choosing all the couch positions carpets, lamps, I got a TV, shelves, our pictures and everything. I wanted her to enjoy the basement and not just stay upstairs, but she never cared. Whenever we would talk about these things, she would get angry but would keep quite. Sometimes she would get pissed off and would leave to go upstairs and stay there for a few nights until I would apologize and bring her downstairs again. I left my friends, my social life, my everything to spend all my time and efforts into helping her get better but she would not understand my perspective at all. I never looked at other women, I don’t drink, smoke, and I have never done anything to deserve all this. I never felt loved and cared for ever in her presence whereas I made sure I took care of her in every possible way. She would have the most random cravings and at the weirdest times and I always tried to fulfil her wish. Whatever she wanted to buy, I would buy her, whatever she liked I would get her, I would plan cute dates, take her on long drives, help her with her assignments and studies, make her snacks and the list is endless. But nothing was being reciprocated. We had a marriage counsellor and even she started pointing things out to Kermit as to how she can get better, and she would remember that for a couple of days, and then again back to square 1. She was not serious about life, about getting her drivers license, about finishing her degree and these would stress me even more.
My depression started getting worse. When I saw talking to her normally and nicely was not working and she would not respond, I would get frustrated and I started yelling at her. Yelling became my way of coping with the situation, at least I’m getting all my anger out. Although I do get it that it is not the best way, but I was helpless. Every time she would or wouldn’t do something after asking her for weeks and months, I would take up yelling and she would get cross with me and abandon me in the basement for a few days until I would apologize and bring her down to the basement again. Her parents started to take note of me yelling and they started accusing me of anger issues and told me to get therapy. I felt so helpless, they were not ready to listen to Kermit’s faults it was all my fault.
This one day, I came home from office and I started watching YouTube videos laying on my bed just before getting to my study table as I’m also taking 2 classes at uni. Kermit was sitting on the bed, she turned to me and goes, “why are you wasting your life on some YouTube videos ? You can read Quran or do something productive instead”. I was kinda taken aback. Being the person Kermit is, she is telling me that I am not serious about my life. I told her this is my way of relaxing and if you don’t like it then you can leave. She had my AirPods close to her hands, so she threw the case towards my face. And that made me extremely furiated. I started bringing up everything she doesn’t do and everything she lacks behind in and mentioning them 1by. While I was telling her all these, she got up and started to leave. I got up from the bed and I didn’t let her leave. I blocked her with my body but she was pushing me. I had my phone on 1 hand and the AirPods on my other hand so couldn’t use my hand but I pushed her back with my body. Once we were both close to the bed I picked her up and put her on the bed. The blanket was under her and I didn’t wanna use my hand to keep her on the bed to avoid her being hurt by any means so I held the blanket at her waist and I started yelling at her about the things she doesn’t do and she’s not serious about and how dare she come lecture me about wasting me life. After a few seconds she started banging on the wall and I let her go. She pretended as if I was choking her.
The next day I took her to uni, and drove her back from uni. Over the next several days we remain angry at each other and she was living upstairs. On the 6th day, the cops show up. Kermit and her parents filed a report on me for physical abuse. The cops mentioned that they will not arrest me but it is better to talk to Kermit in public or record conversations from now on. They said she had a lot of claims but no proof and yelling is not a crime. And asked me to reach out if I think they are ganging up on me. Kermit’s parents ask me to leave their house as soon as possible and changed all the locks upstairs and her whole family cut communication with me. They also blocked my parents. My parents tried to communicate with them via multiple ways and times but they are not responding at all.
I was shocked seeing the cops being called on me, I stayed in that basement on our bed for 2 straight days with no food or drink. My whole world came crashing down on me, I never imagined a day like this would ever come where the cops would get called on me, and I would get divorced. I left the second night, pretty late at night. I was very weak so my brother came to pick me and that’s when I had some food. I packed whatever emergency things I needed and left their house.
Now it’s been 4 months that l live separately. Still no communication from Kermit or her mom or any of her family. I tried reaching out to them but they all blocked me so that failed. Kermit’s dad has been making my life a living hell, he wouldn’t let me get my stuff and is sending me emails about random bills adding up to over $20,000 and asking me to make an immediate payment. He is a little shady money wise, he borrowed some money 2 months after I got married and he yet hasn’t returned the money. He made Kermit apply for student loans and used all the funds for his business. He even opened a credit card under Kermit and used the funds for his business and never paid them back. Kermit’s credit score was so low we were having issues getting a house for rent. But that’s besides the point now.
I have yet to finish my degree and I feel extremely demotivated and demoralized. My appetite is gone, I don’t like to do anything, everything seems pointless. I can’t sleep at night and living like this is getting really difficult. On top of that, I don’t even know where to start getting a lawyer and how to defend myself in this situation. I have worked really hard for 6 long years here in Canada and I don’t want everything to go astray.