Jim ether is a art youtube channel that had these "poem time" videos from the early 2000's that has him tell funny and interesting poems and sometimes getting into funny situations with side characters like 'timmy the tomatoe", anyway he took them down a while back for some reason but did say he would re edit them into his new film. But that was a year or two ago and he hasn't updated me since.
He has posted on new grounds many times and has worked with many other artists such as "robert benfer" (specifically voicing a side character in roberts film "klay world: off the table"). The total number of poem time episodes was like 6 or 7. He has directed films under the distributor "perisarc", his films include "Alert" and "onward to Calgary".
I do have the very first episode here that I luckily saved: https://youtu.be/T1ZZh9Yvd0s?si=bOrcf9Zqd78kNMma
Ik this is kind of a long shot as his episodes never got a whole lot of views but does anyone else have any of the other episodes saved somewhere? I would really appreciate it.

Jim ether is a art youtube channel that had these funny videos from the early 2000's that has him tell funny and interesting poems and sometimes getting into funny situations with side characters like 'timmy the tomatoe", anyway he took them down a while back for some reason but did say he would re edit them into his new film. But that was a year or two ago and he hasn't updated me since.
He has posted on new grounds many times and has worked with many other artists such as "robert benfer" (specifically voicing a side character in roberts film "klay world: off the table"). The total number of poem time episodes was like 6 or 7. He has directed films under the distributor "perisarc", his films include "Alert" and "onward to Calgary".
I do have the very first episode here that I luckily saved: https://youtu.be/T1ZZh9Yvd0s?si=bOrcf9Zqd78kNMma
Ik this is kind of a long shot as his episodes never got a whole lot of views but does anyone else have any of the other episodes saved somewhere? I would really appreciate it.

3^rd Battalion under Captain Leah Holland had received the dubious honor of leading the way into the town at the crossing, backed up by some elements of 4^th Battalion (who had been hit the hardest by a long shot at the battle of the crossing, especially Sierra and Tango companies). In one case, several platoons of Sierra Company had either been either drowned in the river, cut down on the bank, or badly wounded, leaving 2^nd Lieutenant Hillingham the most senior officer remaining until 2^nd Lieutenant Becker recovered from her case of hypothermia. The hardest hit sections of 4^th Battalion rested at the crossing and treated their wounds, many a cold and bedraggled soldier drying her coat over a fire and shivering after the fight, while the other battalions began to file across the bridge in good order now that the T’au were no longer attacking.
Captain Holland rode up to the edge of town with her command Chimera and used a loudhailer to call ahead: “This is the Emperor’s Imperial Guard. Any and all loyal subjects of the Imperium, show yourselves now. All those remaining in hiding will be treated as hostile.” In retrospect, an impartial observer would probably point out that announcing your intentions wasn’t a smart move in a war zone, but in any case, not a single leaf stirred from the frozen trees in response to her call. “Very well,” she said, thumbing the vox handset. “All units, move in,” she ordered, and the small clusters of Praetorians scattered in a half-moon formation around the town began to close in. “Enemy sighted,” called in an officer from Kilo Company, and the crack of lasfire was audible. Only lasfire, though, no plasma guns, which struck Holland as odd. It clearly struck the others as odd, too. “Why aren’t they returning fire?” one of the company commanders wondered aloud as her troops poured shots into a small run-down bakery that appeared to have a dozen Auxilia holed up in it. “Closing in – “ the line went silent. “Lieutenant, status report.” “Ma’am…it’s a decoy,” the LT reported, infuriated. “It’s a bunch of broomsticks with helmets on them. We’ve been had.” Holland got the report and shook her head. This didn’t bode well for the rest of their time in this stupid little town.
She wished she could say that was the end of it. It wasn’t. There was an elaborately produced and totally fake field of anti-tank mines which nearly caused aneurysms in half a dozen Chimera drivers, and then after that, a section of the cobblestone road had been trapped with aerosol cans, spraying the most unbearably over-the-top deodorant scents everywhere in clouds that choked and annoyed the soldiers as they marched over them. Holland clenched her fist tightly on the rim of the Chimera’s hatch as the third group of soldiers were subjected to the aerosol trap, one girl in particular appearing to go into some sort of respiratory distress. “This is a total waste of time,” she commented darkly to her XO, Lieutenant Gracie Talbar, who nodded in response. “No argument from me. I’m sick of this stupid joke warfare they seem to have played on us.”
The worst joke of all was yet to come, though, until one of the Praetorians accidentally nudged one of the hand grenade-bearing teacups in the market of the town, and it broke, dislodging a very live grenade that exploded at her feet. This happened once or twice more, to Holland’s increasing fury, before the whole field had finally been cleared. “Status report?” she asked Talbar. “30 casualties. 10 killed, 20 wounded, 9 of them in critical condition.” “Fracking hell, we lost 10 soldiers to an empty town and a pile of traps?” “…Yes, ma’am.” “…Very well. That’ll be all, Gracie. Thank you.” Holland rubbed her face with her hand as she tried to figure out how she was going to explain this one in her after action report.
======
Colonel Penelope Braithwaite was surveying her troops as they packed in to the other side of the river and made ready to move once again, forming up for travel. She overheard a group of soldiers muttering among themselves before being called over to go help load a truck, which they did with a little grumbling. Nothing too unusual there, of course, but she stuck around in the area to see what she could hear. It sounded like a snatch of singing:
[Obviously based on “The Cruel Wars” by The Dreadnoughts. Listen along here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLV5GVWnVqs&pp=ygUOdGhlIGNydWVsIHdhcnM%3D, credit to Sidecharacter for suggesting it]

“A recruiting sergeant came our way From an inn near town at the close of day She said, my Jenny you're a fine young lass, Would you like to march along to the military brass With a scarlet coat and a white helmet And a lasgun at your shoulder The throne she took and she signed the book Oh poor Jenny what'll happen to ya?”

Singing wasn’t unusual either. But this was seemingly a new song. The group broke up and moved on, but as they moved out of town and reached the (actual) minefield, beginning the painstaking task of finding the mines and negotiating safe routes to disarm them, she heard the rest of the same song:

"The recruiting sergeant marched away From the inn near town at the break of day Jenny came, too, when they sent for her She was off to be a soldier for the Emperor In a far off war in a far off land To face the foreign soldier But how will you fare when there's blood in the air Oh poor Jenny what'll happen to ya?
Well, the sun rose high on a barren land Where the thin red line made a military stand There were lasguns, mortars, missiles too Chainswords and bayonets thrusting through Poor Jenny fell but the day was won And the Emperor is grateful to ya But your soldiering's done and they're sending you home Oh poor Jenny what'll happen to ya?
They said she was a hero and not to grieve For the two ruined legs and the empty sleeve They took her home and they set her down With a military pension and a medal from the crown But you haven't an arm, you haven't a leg The enemy nearly slew ya You'll have to go out on the streets to beg Oh poor Jenny what'll happen to ya?"

Braithwaite listened quietly without commenting, and then turned, her expression sour, to call her senior officers together. Commissar Jensen arrived with a crumpled paper which she unrolled on the table. “Colonel, you’ll want to see this,” she announced as soon as Braithwaite described the song she had heard. “Seems this ‘Jennie’ is becoming rather popular.”
[Based on Rudyard Kipling’s poem “Tommy”, https://www.kiplingsociety.co.uk/poem/poems_tommy.htm ]

You can call us ‘Jennie Guardsman’ ‘cause they never ask your name,
If you’re not an officer, to them we look the same.
It’s funny, we don’t matter till they need us on the field,
And a bunch of low-class girls are given guns to wield.
You know, it’s ‘Jennie, do this’, and ‘Jennie, do that,’ and ‘Jennie, go away,’
But it’s ‘Hammer of the Emperor’ when the band begins to play…
I went down to the mess hall, proper as can be,
They gave the officers fine food, but hadn’t none for me.
They whip us if we step out line, and berate us if we fail,
While talking big of honor and “The Imperium Shall Prevail”.
Truth is, we aren’t no heroes, but we aren’t no blackguards too,
But a squad of girls in barracks rooms, most remarkably like you.
And if sometimes our conduct isn’t perfect fancy paints,
Well, single girls in barracks don’t grow into plaster saints.
If you want us to be soldiers, then start by treatin’ us right,
And maybe listen once or twice ‘fore you send us off to fight.
It’s “Jennie, do this” and “Jennie, do that” and anything else you please,
But Jennie, she ain’t no fool, you bet that Jennie sees!

“This is a problem,” Braithwaite said bluntly. “Commissar, do you have the one you caught with the poem in custody?” “I do,” she said grimly. “What would you like done with her?” Lieutenant-Colonel Rittenhouse looked at Braithwaite for guidance. She knew what her normal answer would be – flogging and remedial duty – but in this case they risked making martyrs of those involved. “I want to talk to her,” Braithwaite said reluctantly. “Well, I don’t want to, but we need to address these issues on the surface before we have a mutiny on our hands.” Jensen nodded. “I’ll make it happen, Colonel. There will likely be others at this rate, story seems to be spreading fast.” “Then we must act faster before the rabble-rousers spread more of this drivel,” Braithwaite said fiercely. “I agree,” Rittenhouse said with a slight sneer. “This talk is bad for good order and discipline and perhaps even contrary to the intentions of the Imperial Guard. But I leave that in the Commissariat’s hands to judge,” she said, inclining her head to the Commissar. “True enough,” said the Colonel. She would have to face down the ideas of this “Jenny” one way or the other, and she’d rather do it now rather than at the point of one of her own troops’ bayonets later.
[Our local redcoats are already beginning to experience some discontent in the ranks after a slog at the crossing. Will they resort to more and more draconian discipline, or will Colonel Braithwaite temper her expectations? Time will tell...]

before i get into my post, just so everyone is aware, this will be a detailed post- so the length may be very long. *tw: suicidal thoughts\*
as many fellow transguys experience, i have close to never felt important in my body. im afab, and i remember being 2 years old and having a breakdown every single time i was put into a dress; matter a fact, ive always had a deep disliking of wearing dresses. to be quite frank, they have always made me uncomfortable. stemming from this, ive always, also, have had a weird approach through femininity as a whole- i remember being 5 years old and at the YMCA kidzone, and how we went around sharing our favorite color- and as i pointed out my favorite color as being red, i was met with distasteful responses, and many individuals pointed out how red is a "boys color". from then on, i reflected on how nothing i had done was considered to be feminine to me- i can singlehandedly admit that i've never played with dolls, played dressup (not that doing such is meant for specific individuals), and doing such has always made me an outcast among my peers.
fast forward to middle school, and as you may expect, i was bullied. my mom does hair, and with being a first generation African, this meant that my hair always had to be done. i went almost 4 years showing up to school, with braids, crochets, sew ins- you name it i most likely have had it. i absolutely resented this. it was so embarrassing switching up a style and getting compliments from my close friends knowing that i adored short, masculine haircuts. in 7th grade, i finally came out to my parents as a lesbian, which is a moment i remember up to this day since it changed the entire course of my parent's outlook on me. i remember my dad being so excited for me and naming all of the female celebrities he knew that were lesbian, and claiming how i could be just as, or even more successful than they were. my mom- not so much, and i could tell that she was more worried about explaining my sexuality to her friends who would ask (even though it is absolutely none of their business). in 8th grade, i decided to do something different- this was the year i had my first girlfriend, and also the year i was valedictorian- and i knew that for graduation i wanted to make a statement. so, i wore a creme colored suit and got my first masculine haircut. funny enough, i remember so many girls complimenting me- one even being flirtatious, which made my girlfriend jealous lol. but during graduation, this was the first time my mom's friend pointed out my sexuality, and in turn, she was happier about me being valdictorian than being a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
fast forward to high school, freshman year was amazing. i had finally attended a school where everyone was so caught up in their own drama (and just being straight up racist) that no one really cared about how i looked. in fact, throughout high school i had gained much popularity due to both my intelligence and fashion taste. i identified as being non-binary and knowing that i had my first job at 14, people would interchangeably use both she/her pronouns and, he/his. i was so embarrassed, and my coworkers would laugh about this making me feel worse and confusing me even more about my gender identity. i have always been a huge fan of Chella Man, and remember watching double incision top surgery videos, along with transmasculine Youtubers 24/7.
moving onto sophmore year, this was when COVID-19 quarantine shut down school. i was in a few friendships, most were toxic and of course didn't last, but some were meaningful and shaped me in the individual i am today.
sophmore year allowed me to grow, but i began to receive toxic and harassing messages from people who i thought were my friends, which drew me away from being my authentic self. to top it off, i was extremely suicidal and just conflicted. no matter how high my gpa was, or how many college credits i earned, i couldn't get past not truly loving myself. this resulted in countless- there was so many i assume the number is between 9 and 14, attempts of suicide. and at the end of the day, it was because i felt like i couldn't live my truth or tell my biggest secret- that i am trans.
after an attempt which led to me being hospitalized, i stopped talking to everyone. i didn't talk to anyone from my school, and completely stopped texting my friends for around 9 whole months. shortly after the hospitalization, i was gifted a journal, and decided to make my first book, which was filled with poems and experiences of being myself and what i would say to my "past self".
since i was in a dual credit program and had to take summer classes at a local university, i couldn't get myself to speak up and answer questions in that class either. i remember that so vividly, since it was a Sociology class- i always asked myself "why can't i be social? oh yeah, no one in this program is like me". it was a program full of cliques, and i did not fit into a single one.
eventually, it was my junior year- my actual worse year of school, ever. junior year was so bad, i decided to graduate an entire year early due to the bullying and disrespect from both individuals and teachers in the dual credit program i was in. i left my friend group due to the toxicity and bad energy altogether. theres so much i could say, but id rather not.
this was also the year i came out to my parents as trans, and i doubt they took me seriously. my dad surprisingly, at first, showed no support and had assumed i was in psychosis, which broke my heart. my mom, on the other hand, admitted that there was nothing wrong with me and promised that she would do everything in her power to allow my dad to understand what i was saying, and the feelings ive felt.
ive definitely had many ups and downs with my parents, yet they have always supported both my major choice (Social Work) and, the choices i desire to make within my body. the first year after high school, i went to a catholic university (which was, no offense, but the worst decision i could've made. too expensive, little to no diversity etc.) i decided to transfer to a much cheaper community college- which is honestly a much better school! i went from the most expensive university in my state, to a much affordable community college in hopes of transferring to a cheaper university after i graduated community college- i wanted to do this after highschooler, but my parents refused to allow me to go down that route. look who's saving money now :3!
today, ive come so far from the negative past ive encountered. i just turned 19 last friday, and i graduate next week friday with my degree in Social Work/Sociology (an entire year early)! i plan on assisting individuals which face disadvantages both economically and systematically on the basis of their race, ethnicity, and sexuality.
today, is also the day of my first testosterone shot! im super excited and have administered the shot about an hour and a half ago! ive never been happier than how i feel right now.
i wrote this essay (lol) for two reasons- one, i want individual's which can relate to my story and situation to know that although you may have experienced a similar, identical, or familiar experience as i have being within the school system to know- you have so much hope and time ahead of you. do not perform a permanent action with temporary emotions- there is always a light at the end of a tunnel, and with the right support- whether this may be a non-profit therapy office, friends you may have, or the Trevor Project (i highly recommend!), you have hope! the second reason is to simply document how excited i am to start testosterone! it is fully covered by my insurance (im on disability) in a state that is pretty chill about trans people (if you are in a state which puts you at some sort of risk that may challenge you being trans, i apologize but hang in there!). nothing though, can top my work enviornment- i make pretty good money and work at a job WHICH HAS OTHER TRANS PEOPLE! There is a trans woman who is literally my work mom, and a fellow transguy!!
nevertheless, i finally feel alive- i feel as if i can live without fearing what i would do to myself in moments that i feel bad or down. everything seems as if it's fallen into place. i don't want to go on about how proud i am, but yeah!
thank you for reading such a long post, and i truly hope that whoever is reading this has a sense of euphoria and can relate to being proud to be on t!
(tl/dr: i started testosterone after hating everything about myself and being bullied.)

Hi everyone. Here is my last season review for TAR 23... and boy oh boy did I miss TAR 23 while watching 24...
Also, polls! Here is TAR 24, the masterlist with the links to the polls, and the leaderboard.
Ugh. Why did we need a returnee season this early in the series? We just had people return from TAR 18, and quite frankly, I don't think many of the seasons that followed really should have had that many returnees anyway! The casting reminded me a lot of Caramoan in Survivor, where the favorites cast were not favorites, and the all-stars cast this season were not all-stars. I am in general mixed on the 3-peters as well, even though I know that is a controversial topic among TAR fans. My issue is that yes the 3 teams on this team probably shouldn't exist. But they still were by far the most entertaining part of the season and they are top half for me anyway so like I can't hate them too much.
But of course, the main storyline of the season, the Brenchel hunt, became really taxing, annoying, and overwrought, and the whining of the teams just became a lot. I do not blame Brenchel at all here because they were fueling the drama, but the self-righteous nature of the country singers, old men, and Afghanimals was just way too much when in the context of the u-turn. Like throughout the season, it just felt like we were bowing down to Dave and him being old, and like we were supposed to root for them! But him saying he was an old man and his overreaction to the game mechanic was just so entitled. Yes, Brenchel may have been playing a little too aggressively there, but like it felt way too much against two competitive people and just based on my initial perception of her. It ruined a lot of the endgame for me because it became really repetitive.
The route was OK this season, I guess? There were some interesting tasks and I always like when the show goes in the opposite direction. The running with the bulls tasks in Spain was probably the most memorable for me, but I also enjoyed the Welsh poem. Also, anything with a donkey gets a plus from me, even if it has Dave and Connor whining in the background. Some of the tasks drove me crazy like the DJ one because all I kept hearing was record scratches for like 40 minutes of the episode, but overall it was mostly solid. The first half of the season in general I would say was stronger than the second half too so the tasks from there seemed more memorable in a lot of senses, and also the cast, but I am not prepared to call it good either, lol.
Anyway, time for the cast rankings - you will never believe who my bottom 3 are!

1. Dave and Connor (0/10) - Guys, I am not sure if we know this or not, but Dave is an old man who tore his Achilles Heel in his first season and he is also a cancer survivor! Look, that story is very inspirational in of itself, but that is literally their only content, beyond their new complexity where their self-righteous attitude comes out after getting u-turned. They take it so personally and that just completely dominates the final few legs that I feel like nothing new is happening. Them constantly winning and getting heroic music over it drove me up a wall too, and the fact that Dave did fewer roadblocks than Connor should also be a massive criticism for the season. Connor literally carried the team, and Dave was just there complaining the entire time (Connor was not perfect either, btw, he was almost as whiny as his dad).
   
2. Caroline and Jennifer (0/10) - Someone in the group where I live commented on my thoughts in called them the Sierra Dawn Thomas of TAR, and I can't get that out of my head. In case you don't know who SDT is, she was a very boring player on a previous player who was brought back under the guise of a game-changer, which makes no sense considering how irrelevant she was in her season. Caroline and Jennifer are the same deal, where they are still very boring narrators who see no growth between their seasons. Their support of Dave and Connor drove me crazy, and I swear to god it felt like they just copied and pasted the same confessionals about "who would u-turn Dave!" which became a lot. That was especially annoying because they were pissed at Dave and Connor for ditching them on the road, and then they immediately switched up with Dave's good old boy attitude. My last critique of them is the flirting began to get old at points, especially when they kept doing it with Jet and Cord because they had spouses at home. Like I am sure it was innocent at points, but it was just rough to watch at points, and with their adamant support of Dave and Connor, it somehow made them worse than their first appearance.
   
3. Leo and Jamal (0/10) - Afghanimals came back with all their annoyingness and none of their grit. I raised an eyebrow when they said out loud that they were not going to cheat or lie on the season because it seemed like an interesting story, but then they just were annoying party guys for the rest of the time. And then the stupid U-turn happened, and their character got completely tanked. The old Afghanimals would have been livid if Dave and Connor u-turned them, and most of their content in that episode was them talking about how they didn't want that to happen. But because Dave and Connor did it, it was like a gift from god! Their attitude in the next few episodes was beyond insufferable, and they were one of the biggest falls from grace this season, as they were on their knees for Dave and Connor the rest of the time. Accidental alliance genuinely might be one of the worst stories on the show up to this point.
   
4. Mark and Mallory (1/10) - They were just awkward to watch, and I think we all know why. Mark clearly did not have his head in the game, and I think this was the most stressful time we watched Mallory. After watching them, I don't really know why TAR wanted to do more teams where the partners did not know each other, but oh well. I gave them both 0.5 points though just because I like Mark and Mallory separately, and I am curious what they look like if they went longer.
   
5. Joey and Meghan (2/10) - Thankfully, these two were not relevant to the great scheme of the season, so I wasn't as annoyed with them, especially because they were only in 3 episodes. I did like the continuity with John and Jessica though and their alliance, and it was kind of funny how they got stuck in the same situation again.
   
6. Natalie and Nadiya (3/10) - It was a crime they went out first, especially since they were the only TAR 21 representation this season! We still have some good twinnie content between them and their classic bickering (Nadiya calling Natalie the worst partner ever made me giggle), but unfortunately, we could always use more twinnies, and it is just circumstance.
   
7. Margie and Luke (4/10) - So what I liked about the 3-peaters is that they were all put in different situations that I think represent the traditional concept of what we think they could turn out to be. With Margie and Luke, we learn something new. Luke came out to his mom, and they finally discussed that on the show which I found to be sweet. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to make them better than half the cast. I also loved their relationship with Rachel in that drinking challenge.
   
8. Flight Time and Big Easy (5/10) - With FT/BE, their representation of the 3-peaters was "no change, but obvious for why they were cast." The globetrotters largest strong suit in all their seasons was their entertainment value. They are naturally entertaining, and while we continued to see their usual issues (separation from the larger cast, weakness of mental tasks), they were still hilarious, and some of the strongest laughs I got from the season were them on the donkeys in the Italy leg. Nothing special, and the weakest of the season, but they added some much-needed levity to the season.
   
9. Jessica and John (6/10) - Again, these two weren't anything special personality-wise, but they had another humorous ending that was connected to their overconfidence. They thought that the country singers were behind them, so they helped the Afghanimals and the globetrotters at the task, and they got out and ran from the back. They wanted to prove themselves all season, but old habits and overconfidence die-hard
   
10. Jet and Cord (7/10) - Jet and Cord were the last 3-peater, and with them, the thing they added was they were put into new situations. They were forced automatically to communicate with other teams when they got the express pass, and they seemed to be more in the fold this season and not being able to run away with the win as easily. The first u-turn shows that perfectly where they had to stand aside while Dave and Connor accepted their fate. While their storyline does fall into the same pratfalls as earlier (u-turned out of the game, terrible navigation, dominating tasks), they were still some of the comedic highlights and very entertaining. Those damn cowboy hats make me laugh way too much, and whether it smashes to one of the guys wearing both on their heads while another does a roadblock, Phil throwing Cord's at the end of the season, or them putting them on the monks during the calligraphy roadblock, I always laughed way too hard. And whenever I heard oh my gravy I almost fell out of my chair.
    
11. Brendon and Rachel (8/10) - Love Brenchel always, but they had almost the exact same issues as their first appearance, where they should have won the seasons or beat other teams, and ultimately became the third-place team again. These two are always going to be effortlessly entertaining (their entire story being about babies, Brendon praying aggressively to god, Rachel sobbing over the wrong boot size, them getting hyper-competitive at the end, etc.) so that was never an issue. Drop Brenchel in to read a phone book, and you'll still get entertaining results. But the Brenchel hunt, because god forbid they were competitive against an old man who felt entitled to skate to the end, villainized them and forced them to play harder. That's not really the issue with them, but I just wish they won over Dave and Connor because they made it so toxic when Brenchel were not trying to be personal. My last note on the team before I get heated with this season is that I found Rachel's arc about not getting hyper-emotional to be really interesting, and a deviation from her usual characterization we saw in BB and TAR.
    

Season Ranking: 1/10 - The endgame really killed any good will on this season, and beside the fact that it should not really exist in the first place easily makes it at the bottom of my list.
TAR 25 time - I've been having a lot of fun with it so far, and there are some great characters this season!
Season Ranking

1. TAR 14 (10/10)
2. TAR 5 (10/10)
3. TAR 2 (10/10)
4. TAR 3 (10/10)
5. TAR 1 (9/10)
6. TAR 11 (9/10)
7. TAR 21 (9/10)
8. TAR 10 (8/10)
9. TAR 7 (8/10)
10. TAR 23 (8/10)
11. TAR 12 (8/10)
12. TAR 19 (7/10)
13. TAR 17 (7/10)
14. TAR 18 (6/10)
15. TAR 13 (5/10)
16. TAR 16 (3/10)
17. TAR 15 (2/10)
18. TAR 4 (2/10)
19. TAR 22 (2/10)
20. TAR 9 (1/10)
21. TAR 8 (1/10)
22. TAR 20 (1/10)
23. TAR 24 (1/10)
24. TAR 6 (0/10)

1. Haiku for Hanukkah:
   
   • Craft a series of haikus capturing the essence of Hanukkah, focusing on the symbolism of light, the menorah, and the joy of shared traditions.
2. Sonnet of Diwali Delights:
   
   • Write a sonnet that explores the colors, lights, and festivities of Diwali, incorporating themes of triumph over darkness and the spirit of renewal.
3. Kwanzaa Villanelle:
   
   • Create a villanelle that reflects on the seven principles of Kwanzaa, exploring the repeated refrains to convey a sense of unity, purpose, and cultural celebration.
4. Las Posadas Limericks:
   
   • Compose a set of limericks capturing the humorous and heartwarming moments of Las Posadas, focusing on the characters and the reenactment of the journey to Bethlehem.
5. St. Lucia's Day Free Verse:
   
   • Write a free verse poem that explores the sensory experience of St. Lucia's Day, using vivid imagery to convey the sights, sounds, and emotions of the candlelit processions.
6. Winter Solstice Cinquains:
   
   • Create a series of cinquains that capture the anticipation, stillness, and eventual rebirth associated with the Winter Solstice.
7. Chinese New Year Acrostic:
   
   • Compose an acrostic poem using the words "Chinese New Year," incorporating each letter to convey the energy, symbolism, and cultural richness of the celebration.
8. Ganna Elegy:
   
   • Write an elegy that reflects on the Ethiopian Christmas (Ganna), exploring themes of faith, tradition, and the emotional resonance of the holiday.
9. Oshogatsu Haiga:
   
   • Combine haiku with visual elements in a haiga to capture the serene beauty and cultural significance of Oshogatsu, incorporating traditional New Year imagery.
10. Global Celebrations Ghazal:
    
    • Craft a ghazal that weaves together the diverse elements of global holiday celebrations, exploring the shared threads of joy, love, and cultural exchange.

Hi everyone ! Before i start i justed wanted to say i'm happy to be here because i discovered a good amount of greats Emo records in this sub, thanks to this community. You guys are great, really educated about the scene plus you're funny af xD
Anyway, greetings everyone, my name's Alice. I'm from France ! I'm into Emo music, Poetry (i also write my own poems), i love going to screamo/post-hardcore concerts near the city centre and watch cartoons/movies and Animes !
I wanted to get this off my chest for quite a while so here goes ! I wanna talk about the contradictions/flaws concerning the arguments defining the Emotional Hardcore scene. Now before you attack me and say i wasn't there to experience whatever or some shit, i'm not trying to disregard the history of Emo music in any way.
Eor months (even before i entered this subreddit) i studied the subculture and the evolution of the scene, i came accross many YT videos and i wanted to find new albums so that's why i'm here. Since my arrival here, i was always checking to see if the bands i cherished were actually considered a part of the scene. Eventually i found that a good portion of the redditors here were showing disdain at the Third Wave Bands from the 2000's and even more to the Emo Rappers.
I wanted to writed this to give you my point of view on the subject matter. I thought that it would be great for me to share how i see it. Just to clarify, i'm into Emo-Pop and Emo Post-Hardcore (which some of you call mallcore. My favourite bands are: Alesana, Pierce The Veil, Senses Fails, Silverstein, Chiodos, Taking Back Sunday, Mayday Parade, MCR, Thursday, Flyleaf, Scaring Kids Scaring Kids, Hope Dies Last, Eyes Set To Kill
Funny enough i also love Midwest and Emocore bands. Here are my standouts:
( Midwest: Cap N Jazz, Modern Baseball, SDRE, The Promise Ring, Modern Baseball, American Football, The Hotelier)
(Emocore: Embrace [my favorite out of all of them], Moss Icon, Gray Matter and Gauge)
But i digress, i noticed there's a contradiction in most arguments coming from both of musicians and the fans of the scene, i will try to understand all of the points you guys argumented in this sub without going to much in detail as much as possible, so here we go.

• 1- Third Wave: being called fake emo or Mallcore

First off i wanna talk about the biggest elephant in the room. Can you guys explain in what way the Emo-pop and Emo Post-Hardcore bands are not Emo? I noticed a recuring pattern that says that bands like My Chemical Romance, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Fall out Boy are not Emo because either:
A- they're from a major label
B- Their music is not considered Emo (which you need to remember means Emotional Hardcore (just without the core part)
All of theses bands are Post-Hardcore ones and yes maybe they're not 90's Post-Hardcore Bands that's why i use the word Emo Post-Hardcore. They're Post-hardcore bands that were influenced by Emo, Pop Punk and Post-Hardcore bands. I think this helps breaks the confusion everyone has with the "Post-Hardcore" term.
However if others bands are Emo-Pop they STILL have Post-Hardcore roots (not HARDCORE ROOTS) even if they're from a major label, even if they're mainstream that doesn't remove the fact thaty're an EMO POST-HARDCORE which is something entirely different than regular Post-Hardcore or regular Emotional Hardcore bands.
They're between the lines of these two, that's the nuance that i want to show you. We should NOT OVERLOOK that they still have hardcore into their sound, they got the speed, they got the guitars, the distortion, the desperate vocals, the only difference between a MCR, FOB, The Used song and a The Get Up Kids songs is the polished studio mix and mastering.

• 2- What does Emotion Hardcore mean ?!
  I think part of the problem who confuses everyone comes from the original tag itself. The thrasher magazine used to call Emo-core bands likes Embrace. And honestly the the genre's name is too MUCH VAGUE ! In French:
  

Emotional: In relation to emotions.
On the other hand, in America/UK you guys have a different meaning of the word "Emotional". There's a cultural difference.
In English means: If someone is or becomes emotional, they show their feelings very openly, especially, because they are upset.
But why does being Emotional only comes from a place of sadness? And why should Emo music be the only music genre that provides this such harsh feeling ?
My answer is that it only works in the context of the Hardcore scene + the socialpolitical context. Being quote on quote "EMOTIONAL" was seen as fragile/weak in the Hardcore scene, you could only talk about Politics because that's whats the Hardcore Punk was about. So that's why in context, in the 80's "Emotional" was such controversial ! And it still is to this day, mens all around the worlds are scared to show dispair and sadness.
The problem is, every musical genre can be used to display sadness, hate, anger, etc. Plus Emotional Hardcore does not mean: "Hardcore Punk without the political themes, that talks about negative feelings". It means: "the CENTER of Hard Emotions". EMOTIONAL. TO. THE. CORE. That's the meaning of the word "Hardcore".
Therefore you should see Emotional Hardcore as way of being Emotional without social norms, without political norms, without any others obstacles. The Emotions of sorrow ARE THE CORE of the musical genre and since it doesn't tries to be fancy or socially acceptable in our society, it's gonna be insulted and made fun of. THAT'S WHY people hate Emotional Hardcore, it's dark, it's in your face, it's disgusting, it's tragic, and theses emotions, these negatives traits represent a taboo. It's against any social and acceptable status-quo.
To make it simple: Every musical genre provide a variety of Emotions. But that's the way that EMO does it that's different from the rest of it. It's the sincerity, the honesty behind it that makes it so much scary and intimidating. The intimacy is far too strong for casual or sensitive people to tolerate.

• 3- The arguments of the influences

Another point that i always see is that Emo bands can only be defined as Emo if they were touring with other legimitate bands of the genre of if they were influenced by them. This argument doesn't fucking make sense at all. In some sense, i agree with it BUT ONLY if you can hear it the resemblance.
How the fuck midwest bands were influenced by 1st wave Emotional Hardcore bands like Rites Of Spring? There's no remotely a similarity between the two ! And btw, how exactly are they hardcore in the same way of the first hardcore bands? In terms, of lyrics and singing, maybe but in terms of sounds, no.
In fact, i'd argue that Emo Post-Hardcore bands are more CLOSER to the sound of Emotional Hardcore from the 80's than the Midwest Wave of the 90's, but that's just me i guess. The problem is that all of you only define an Emo band/artist by influences and vague resemblance to the hardcore sound. But it's nonsense.
If Taylor Swift said she was influenced by Moss Icon would you categorize her music Emo? Would you call her "Emocore" if she was touring with all these obscure Hardcore Bands ? I don't think so...
For example, Michael Jackson said that he was influenced by james brown. Sur they maybe have simikarities in terms of singins or dancing but NOT in terms of SOUND !
Sound Influence is the only type of influence we could judge and agree on some musician legitimacy.

• 4- Bands refuting that they're an Emo band

This one will not be long but i just wanted to say JUST BECAUSE AN ARTIST SAYS HE'S NOT FROM A CERTAIN SCENE OAND MUSICAL GENRE DOES NOT MEAN IT'S TRUE !
Robert Smith said that The Cure is not an Goth Band even though they literally made Pornography.
Same here. The musicians DO NOT CARE ABOUT LABELS AS MUCH AS WE DO They're supposed to just make the music, the rest is superficial to them.
5- What makes a song Emo
I listened to all the Emo waves from now to all way back in the 80's. And it's safe to say THERE ARE ways to tell True and Fake Emo songs apart:

1. The lyrics are confessional similar to the Elegy (a special type of poetry)
2. The themes are around sadness, anger and pain
3. The singing is desperate/whiny
4. THE MUSIC FUCKING KICKS ASS lol

I'm putting this together to contexutalise the album for anyone confused or wondering what it addresses and what it all mean.
Song Subject Matter:

• Matty: Tortured Poets, Down Bad, But Daddy, Fresh Out The Slammer, Florida, Guilty As Sin, I Can Fix Him, Smallest Man, The Black Dog
• Joe: My Boy, So Long London
• Both: loml, getyouback, Chloe and friends, How Did It End?, Peter, I Can Do It, Fortnight
• TK: The Alchemy, So High School, The Albatross (IMO)
• General: The Prophecy, The Manuscript, I Hate It Here
• Fame: But Daddy, Who's Afraid, I Can Do It, Clara Bow, The Albatross, How Did It End, I Hate It Here, Thank You Aimee, I Look In People's Windows, The Prophecy, Cassandra, The Manuscript
• I could almost put I Hate It Here in every category.

FIRST:
*** Read Taylor's prologue and Stevie Nick's poem here, both very telling (Basically maps out her two breakups very clearly, especially the phrase "Out of the oven and into the microwave") ***
Shoutout to this 2014-2024 timeline, recommend reading it first.
Let's Begin:
2014: Taylor and Matty meet when Taylor attends numerous 1975 concerts. By November, Matty is dedicating songs to her and dating rumours are flying. Then it seems to end as quickly as it began, Matty's tone shifts and he denies the dating rumours. IMO the title track of Tortured Poets Department is based around this period of time or wanting to evoke how this time felt.
2015: Taylor and Matty attend the Brit Awards, the same night Taylor meets Calvin Harris. Could this be what Question is referring to? ("Did you realise, out of time, she was on your mind with some dickhead guy that you saw that night, but you were on something..."). Throughout 2015, whenever Matty is asked to comment on Taylor he says some variation of "nothing really happened/I found her fame intimidating".
2016: Matty makes his infamous "emasculating" comment (and is still intimidated by her fame): "[I would fear losing myself in a relationship], absolutely. If I had gone out with Taylor Swift I would’ve been...f-cking hell! I am NOT being Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. You know FUCK THAT. That’s also a man thing, a de-masculinating, emasculating thing.” The interviewer clarified she didn't feel he was being sexist, but making a broader point about being primarily known for dating someone (more) famous, rather than your own art. I wonder now if the Question lyric "Politics and gender roles, you're not sure and I don't know" is referencing this, too.
2019: In August, Lover is released and, amongst the numerous love songs about Joe, there is a thread of anxiety and frequent fighting throughout the album. The Lover video depicts her partner possibly flirting with another woman. Taylor says the chorus of Lover comes from a place of fear about losing someone. Cornelia Street expresses similar. False God talks about using intimacy to repair big fights. Taylor reveals she had nightmares after watching the film Someone Great, about a 9 year relationship that ends when the man falls out of love (as well as stress caused by the woman's career). Taylor writes Death By A Thousand Cuts based on this.
2020: In Miss Americana documentary, Taylor says she is not ready for marriage/kids yet (filmed in 2018-2019). Taylor and Joe cross paths with Matty at the NME Awards in Feb. In April, Taylor starts Folklore with Aaron, invents the 'fictional' love triangle, encourages Joe to write with her, and The 1 and Hoax are written last minute, meaning Cardigan and Peace were the original start/finish. During the folklore long pond sessions, Taylor confirms Peace is about anxiety surrounding Joe and her fame. She confirms Hoax is partially about Joe, too. In December, after Evermore, she mentions being obsessed with divorce stories. IMO I Hate It Here links to her mindset during this period of time (pandemic yes, but TTPD-album also links imagination and fantasy to feeling trapped in an increasingly difficult relationship)
2021: In March, Taylor records the 3AM Midnights songs with Aaron. This might prove High Infidelity can't be about Matty, as some theorised. 29 April 2020 was the first lockdown. 2019 seemed like a happy year for her and Joe (Me! was released April 2019). We see in Miss Americana they were good during Rep Tour (May-Nov 2018). Mid 2021, Taylor and Joe live in Dublin/Croatia while he films Conversations with Friends, and she re-records Red TV. In July, Renegade is released ("Is your anxiety stopping you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?"). In November, Red TV releases to huge popularity. Joe lands a role last minute and has to fly out within days, so he misses Red TV release week. Taylor later confirms she began writing Midnights with Jack during this time. Taylor flies to Joe for a couple days in the middle of Red TV promo. She records You're Losing Me on December 5. Also this year, The 1975 are working with Jack and work with Taylor for Midnights (can't find specific dates, just Matty confirming they worked on music that wasn't used)
2022: Engagement rumors are not denied by Joe or Taylor's teams in January. In spring, Midnights is completed. Taylor has said she immediately began writing for what would become Tortured Poets. In May, Conversations with Friends premieres and ultimately underperforms. An August Pitchfork interview with Matty mentions Taylor: "Swift, who got an early listen to the [new] record, summed it up in three words: “It’s so funny.” I also found this ick quote from Matty: “Because I’m in therapy a lot, this is one of my new things: watch out for gaslighting. I didn’t know that was a thing. Now I have a way of being aware of when I’m manipulative. Sometimes I’ll do it and I’ll go, ‘Hold on, I’m doing the thing and I know what that is and I’m sorry.’ It’s growing up.” Midnights is released in October, and we're introduced to Question...?, which samples Out Of The Woods. Now I wonder if this was a Harry red herring (a red harrying), when really it was a way to reference 2014, when the song was recorded and the year she first 'dated' Matty. There's also Maroon, which no one can fully agree who it's about, and is later referenced in Chloe/Sam/Sophia/Marcus. In December, Taylor's in New Orleans with Joe and Jack. Tortured Poets album credits confirm Fresh Out The Slammer was partially recorded here, so that confirms her state of mind about Joe and Matty at this time ("I know who my first call will be to, it's gonna be alright, I did my time")
2023: Taylor performs at The 1975's concert on January 12. Fans report Question is on their pre-show playlist. Joe is at Taylor's Grammys afterparty on February 4. Eras Tour begins March 17, and The 1975's song About You is on the pre-show playlist. Joe is overseas filming. March 28 is their approx split date . On April 1, Taylor swaps Invisible String for The 1. April 8, the split is public, reportedly happened a few weeks prior. On May 5th, Taylor mouths "This is about you, you know who you are, I love you" during Cardigan, as did Matty a few days earlier. Matty joins Taylor from 5 - 26 May. May 17, the fan backlash against Matty peaks. Some swifties post an “open letter” to Taylor about Matty. May 20, she performs Question and says “I'm the happiest I've ever been". May 24, she records Florida!!! with Florence, and Matty is there too. May 26, You're Losing Me is first released to CD only. So, the first time fans get context for her split from Joe. May 26 is also when Matty likely left to return to The 1975's tour. May 29, a Matty feature article mentions everyone close to Taylor and Matty are saying “this time, its real”. May 31, Taylor is recording Fresh Out The Slammer again. June 3, Taylor is visibly sad during surprise song I Don't Wanna Live Forever ("wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life"). June 5, Taylor and Matty's split is confirmed. June 5-6, Zach Sang says in an interview that he heard through Selena and Taylor's social circle that "Taylor was talking about Matty like he was the one". June 29, Taylor records Down Bad. July 1, Taylor covers ‘I miss you I’m sorry’. July 26, Travis talks about his friendship bracelet attempt a few weeks prior. Mid August, fans/public swarm Jack's wedding rehearsal. Based on their comments since, Taylor and Travis start dating around this time. September 5, Taylor stories a Griff song called Vertigo, the lyrics are an obvious aim at Matty. September 25, Taylor and Travis hard launch when Taylor attends his football match. In October, 1989 TV is released and fans discover Slut! was supposed to feature The 1975. November 29, You're Losing Me is widely released. November 30, Tree blasts DeuxMoi for continually pushing marriage/other inappropriate rumors regarding Joe. A day later, Taylor likes a tweet implying Sweet Nothing was referencing Paul McCartney and his wife.
2024: Tortured Poets announced February 4, Taylor begins mashing surprise songs together from February 17, TTPD is released April 19. Everyone is surprised when the album is not a takedown of Joe, but mostly Matty. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived claims Matty ghosted Taylor once he went back on tour ("You tried to buy some pills from a friend of a friend of mine, they just ghosted you. Now you know what it feels like" / "I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal?"). Down Bad also supports this. Taylor mentions "love bombing" repeatedly in the lead-up to the album release.
Safe Assumptions:
• The songs about Travis can only be written between August 2023 – April 2024. The Alchemy seems to reference the Super Bowl so perhaps early February? So High School mentions “Get my car door, isn’t that sweet?”, perhaps referencing their date on 16 October 2023 where everyone fawned over him doing that.
• Fortnight, I Can Fix Him, loml, I Can Do It, The Smallest Man, getyouback are all negative toward Matty so they can only be June 2023 onward.
• October 21, 2023 – Post Malone stated he’d recently been with Taylor and mentions Travis too, so they either wrote/recorded Fortnight or filmed the video in early-mid October.
• Is Cardigan about Matty? It has the PeteWendy reference (continued in Peter), mentions smoke like many Matty songs do, "I knew you'd haunt all of my what ifs", and was written a few months after they saw each other again at that awards show. What would this mean for the love triangle story? Some other songs that have me wondering now are Illicit Affairs, Maroon and Ivy. Even Out of The Woods...maybe she's blended muses together this whole time.
* Guilty As Sin and Fresh Out The Slammer basically confirm Matty and Taylor were talking pretty...intensely prior to her split from Joe, and he perhaps "lured" her out of her relationship even though it was already dying (or maybe because it was, and he saw his chance).
Other:
• Was But Daddy I Love Him written before or after Matty left? Maybe both? I'm leaning toward after because she'd need time to react to/process the fan backlash. I think the final verse isn't referencing Travis, it's her deluded fantasy for everyone coming around to Matty.
* “You saw my bones out with someone new” - could this reference 2015 when Matty saw Taylor with Calvin at the Brit Awards? Calvin also looks like someone who could bully Matty lol.
• Chats and Reacts made a pretty convincing connection between Guilty As Sin and Labyrinth. Labyrinth mentions "falling in love again" and Guilty mentions falling back into the "hedge maze"...the "labyrinth of my mind"? Labyrinth is another song that confused most people and we couldn't really place it/what it was referring to.
Song meanings:
• Fortnight thru I Can Fix Him is when Matty is still around (Fortnight literally referencing 2 weeks, though it was 3 ultimately). Fortnight addresss the frustration of becoming strangers to exes who move on. The video depicts her as allowed to work/be free if she takes the "forget him" pill, then she writes alongside "Matty" ("our tragic tortured hero") until they create a story for themselves, but it doesn't last. I think the telephone box scene represents them communicating prior to her breakup ("Move to Florida, buy the car you want but it won't start up til I touch touch touch you" aka I can do all these things to escape but I won't actually be free until I have you)
• Tortured Poets: Basing it in 2014 would explain the Charlie Puth lyric, since he blew up in 2015.
• My Boy: Potentially Joe going from good to toxic, especially "You should've seen him/me when he first got me" aka when they first started dating it was so different to how they ended up. But there's elements of Matty too.
• Down Bad: Obviously being ghosted/dumped by Matty. Likened the love bombing and false promises to being abducted by aliens, enjoying it, then being sent "back to Earth" (reality).
• So Long London: It might've been written late 2023 because "You say I abandoned the ship" implies they talked about their break up at a later point. There's also a tone of acceptance or grace in "Had a good run/You'll find someone" so it seems like some time has passed.
• But Daddy I Love Him: The "daddy" is a metaphor for the public judging/trying to control her dating life.
• Guilty As Sin: Mentions "him" sending her the song Downtown Lights, a song Matty loves and has covered.
• I Can Fix Him: The illusion/fantasy ends here. The lyrics acknowledge Matty is gross/problematic. She has a rude awakening that he will not change for her.
• I Can Do It: Obviously about touring while coping with two breakups. I can see her writing this after seeing the Barbie film because it has a similar vibe lol
• The Alchemy: Beginning point of getting back on her feet again ("Back from the hospital, worst sleep of my life")
• getyouback: The "bike" and "house" lyrics reference a 1975 song.
* Side 2 deals frequently with the pitfalls of fame and the damage done to her life, relationships and wellbeing as a result. There's also themes of youth, growing up too slow (Peter) or too fast (The Manuscript) and some leftover feelings about 2016/the Kardashians. Perhaps because she's been re-recording Reputation? I can imagine The Prophecy was written sometime around June/July because I cannot imagine dealing with two breakups while the world worships you/your career.
IMO the theme of putting herself on trial/showing evidence is a symbolic response to the Matty backlash. The theme of "This chapter is now closed" is to say "Here's the warts and all story, everything that happened and that I ever felt in those two awful years, do your worst, I'm now done with it all".

Last time, Dennis showed up at my door in the middle of the night... DRUNK. Up to that point, he’d claimed to be a virtuous teetotaler, but something had apparently gone amiss. He staggered into my apartment, hurled tequila all over the place, and claimed to have pooped his pants. Neither seeing nor smelling evidence of dookie, I surmised that he was pretending to need clean underpants because he wanted to wear mine for some damn reason. And my lovesick, dong-struck, smitten AF ass was flattered.
The freshly showered, drunken little horned-up weasel finally stretched out on the couch, wearing a pair of my black boyshots. His semi-alert junk was pitching a tent, and the sack was hanging out of the small undergarment that wasn’t made to contain a male package. He kept slurring something about certain body parts being blue. I knew better. Mr. Butt-Blaster over there was in the Psych Research program, while I was in the MFT/Sex Therapy program, although we had to take a few of the same classes. Having some sex therapy training under my belt, I knew for sure that BBs are a MYTH. Genito-pelvic pain resulting from prolonged and unreleased arousal may feel subjectively painful to a small number of delusional horndogs (although self-report measures are notoriously unreliable). However... more often than not, manipulative horndogs use blue balls to coerce potential partners into pity bangs, pity tugs... pity what-have-yous. And I have receipts. Or as we say in academia... REFERENCES.
Me: Dude, that’s not a real condition. Plus, your... stuff’s hanging out of my underwear. Nothing’s blue. I’d feel better if you covered yourself with that blanket.
Dennis: It’s real, I swear! I’m in so much pain!
Me: Go yank it in the bathroom if it’s bothering you so much.
Dennis: But that’s a sin.
Me: Oh for fuck’s sake. I won’t tell Jesus.
Dennis: I need to call my friend first. We gotta paray. Pray.
Me: You need to sleep it off. You can paray in the morning.
I covered him up with the blanket as he continued to mumble about his private parts. I think I heard him apologize for being drunk, but I don’t know if he was talking to me or to Jesus. No matter. I got in bed and stared at the ceiling, both irate and elated that Dennis was on my couch. I didn’t sleep at all.
As the dawn crept through the curtains and provided a gentle golden glow in my little studio apartment, I heard The Golden God stir. Footsteps. I heard the bathroom door close. Water running. Toilet flushing. There was a bit more rustling around. And then I heard the door open. I watched through half-closed eyes as he tip-toed towards the door in clothes that still looked damp. He gingerly turned the deadbolt.
Me: Sneaking out?
Dennis jumped. “Uh. No. I didn’t want to wake you.”
Me: You really think I’d be able to sleep? I’ve been writing stories in my head all night. You’re in them...
Dennis. Sweet! Can I play myself in the movie version?
I glared at him, but I don’t think he could see my face clearly. His glasses were perched on top of his head.
Me: Anything you’d like to say to me?
Dennis: Honestly, babe. I don’t remember much. I think they goofed and put alcohol in my drink even though I ordered a virgin.
Me: Don’t call me babe.
Dennis. Oh. Okay. Sweetie, I really don’t remember last night.
Me: Do you remember the past MONTH? You asked me for a really revolting sexual favor, I declined, and you dropped off the face of the Earth. It really hurt my feelings. Am I nothing more to you than a butt to screw?
Dennis: Noooo! Babe! Uh. Sweetie... It was just an idea. I love you and I... (He said some more words, but that Delphic L-bomb was making the blood rush through my ears to the point where I couldn’t hear anything else he was saying.)
He was leaning down to kiss me when I floated back into my body. “What?”
Dennis: See you next week?
Me: Ummmm.. Yeah. Text me the details. I’m half-asleep and I’m not sure I’ll remember.
Dennis. I got you, babe.
Me: Hold up. Are you still wearing my underwear?
Dennis grinned. “Yep!”
I shook my head, laughing a little and feeling slightly flattered that he wanted to keep something of mine so close to himself. “Keep them. Consider them a reminder of the treacheries of tequila.”
He nodded, kissed my hand, and sauntered out the door. What the actual fuuuuu had just happened???
Girl Talk
The next evening, I met up with Lucy and two of her friends from a recent show, Pick-Me and Doormat. These three had bonded over a shared burning desire for a forever love. Out of the three, Lucy remained the most jaded and skeptical. After all, she could override her own desires and read people well enough to discern the possibility that Scooter (her crush) was a skin-fluter. Skin-flautist? He was GAY. He’d at least had the decency to come out to her when he picked up on her romantic feelings for him. But Scooter was still deep in the closet to the rest of the world, though.
Doormat: Lucy, what’s going on with Scoots??? You guys would make suuuuuch a cute couple.
Lucy: Yeah, that’s not happening. He’s got too much baggage from his ex-wife.
Pick-Me: Well, maybe you could find out what she did to run him off and do the exact opposite???
Lucy: Yeah, I don’t have the money for that...
(Lucy and I both laughed. Doormat and Pick-Me didn’t get the joke.)
Lucy: Okay, Val. These are my boy-crazy backstage gal pals. Present your case!
Me: The whole case? As in... butt stuff...
Lucy: No! Maybe no butt stuff with this crowd.
Pick-Me giggled. “Butt stuff? I can handle talking about that. What’s going on? Your guy wants to try anal?”
Lucy: Okayyyyy... Apparently they’re fine with it?
Me: Yeah. But that’s not even the worst of it. He disappears. And then he reappears acting like nothing was ever wrong. And he’s a religious fanatic when it’s convenient, but he’s never mentioned actually going to church. He doesn’t even wear a cross. And he lied about this summer camp...
Doormat: Girl, just give him the booty!!! That’s why he’s being shifty. He wants something taboo. Most guys need to feel like they’re bending the rules a bit.
Me: Yeah, but I don’t...
Pick-Me: Do you love this guy or not? At least try things his way.
(Yeah, that thought had unfortunately already occurred to me. And I’d dismissed it.)
Lucy: I don’t know. Ladies, we’ve gotta consider her personal limits. Then again, if you really think it’ll land you the love of your life, what’s 30 seconds of discomfort?
Pick-Me and Doormat giggled.
Me: It’s not always that quick....
Lucy: Okay, girl. But George Gay and I have already started scripting a sketch called “The Prematurely Popping Butt-Blasting Hobbit!” We’re doing it in a show at The Imp as soon as it’s ready! And I talk about him in my stand-up. He’d be good at border control ‘cause he’s a MINUTE MAN. A miniature Minute Man. He’s already a one-pump chump, and he seriously wants to put it in the donut instead of the eclair??? “Hey babe... Sorry I haven’t called. How about we... Uhhhh! Uhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Damn. I didn’t even get my pants off! But I at least I GOT MY ROCKS OFF.”
I tapped her on the head with my straw, secretly trying not to laugh. “RUDE! Please never let him hear that.”
Lucy: I promise you that no good Christian boy would ever come to an open mic night at The Raunch Room. Or a show at The Imp. That place has gotten vile. The other girl in our troupe up and quit, and the director replaced her with this fatass sex manic. She’s disgusting. She’s obsessed with George Straight and she won’t stop going on about how much she needs some Georgie Porgie sexy time... Because she’s got “blue lips.” And then she sits there in her micro-miniskirt with her fleshy hoo-hah hanging out, rambling on about all this freaky stuff she wants to do with this dude who’s like my freakin’ brother. I can’t stand it.
Me: Gross.
Pick-Me: Wait... Lucy, did you say Denny’s a good Christian boy? Val, you have to reel him in!!!
Me: That’s the problem... I’m not sure I believe him when he says he’s a Christian. George Gay thinks he’s using religion as an excuse to ask for weird stuff in the sack.
Doormat: I bet he’s totally a Christian. They make the best husbands. You do what you gotta do to lock this one down! And if you can’t give him exactly what he wants in bed, give him something close. He’s a man. You can’t blame him if he goes looking for it elsewhere.
(I felt my fists clenching. Pick-Me and Doormat were making my brain implode.)
Me: Or maybe I need to admit that I’m not right for him and walk away? I mean, that sounds impossible right now, but I think it’d be for the best in the grand scheme of things.
Pick-Me: Nooooo! As a woman, it’s your duty to make yourself into exactly what your man wants. It sounds old-fashioned, but old-fashioned WORKS. That’s why our grandparents never got divorced!
(Yeah, I’m not sure Grandpappy was running around trying to put in in Granny’s hiney.)
How (NOT TO) Prepare for a Date
My lovestruck brain convinced my lovestruck ass to prepare itself for the possibility of an invasion. Dennis had texted me that he was coming over on Saturday night around 8:00 PM, and that he wanted nothing more than conversation and respectful making out. But he also asked me to wear lingerie...
On Friday, I went to Victoria’s Secret and abused my credit card with a very pretty, very flattering halter teddy with Swarovski crystals adorning the plunging neckline. I’m pretty flat-chested, but I’m also short-waisted, so the plunge gives the illusion of length. Once I was all set for lingerie, I got my hair professionally done, extensions and all. Then I went to the dentist and had my teeth whitened with medical grade lasers. This plunged me even further into debt, and it hurt like hell. I was crying and shaking by the end of the procedure. And my teeth hadn’t been even slightly yellowed beforehand. But I wanted Hollywood-caliber blinding white teeth.
And then, feeling like I’d just been punched in the mouth, I went to the day spa to have every bit of body hair removed, save my eyebrows. Dennis disparaged body hair on women, even the vellus hair (peach fuzz) that tended to crop up when you’re a bit malnourished. So I had everything waxed. And when I emphasize the word “everything,” I’m not just talking about my crotch and my armpits. I’m talking about my forearms. My back. My cheeks. My toes. It was like he wanted a plastic doll. And I was more than willing to get as close to that as I possibly could.
And, listen. I know this was dumb AF. No matter how much I abused my credit card with flattering garments and beauty services and cosmetic dentistry, I’d never be “Hollywood Hot.” I was “regular person attractive with a former scene kid slant,” which basically meant that nerds, theatre weirdos, and recovering scene kids found me irresistible, normal attractive dudes flirted with me some, gross guys gushed over me (although I still didn’t know how to describe or even identify a bona fide neckbeard... remember this was the 20-tweens), and image-conscious posers didn’t give me the time of day because I was a bit weird.
And I’d always been relatively fine with the way I looked until Dennis and his hot and cold whiplash got into my head. If only I were Hollywood Hot enough to serve as a trophy on his arm, maybe he’d consistently pay attention to me? BARF. And sure, I had considered that our personalities didn’t quite mesh. Even so, he kept calling (sporadically) and I kept answering (faithfully), so I decided to focus on something that I could pretend to have some semblance of control over... I could waste a shit-load of money on superficial crap that most straight guys probably wouldn’t even notice (but that might make me feel more confident in my own unnaturally hairless skin). Oh, and then there was the butt stuff...
On Saturday morning, I went to the Sal Paulo Center for Wellness and Healing and got my very first high colonic... just in case. I wish I had a disgusting story to share, but it actually wasn’t that big of a deal. My colon hydro-therapist was named Harmony, and she was able to put me at ease. I explained that I might try anal sex with my boy... with a guy I was dat... With this guy I’d been kinda seeing. So I wanted to be clean. Harmoney enthused, “Oh, that’ll be fun! But these are sooo good for you, even if you’re not planning on having visitors in there. A high colonic flushes out years and years of toxins that get trapped in the pockets of your large intestines.
This was complete BS, but Harmony was really sweet and she did a good job of keeping my mind off what was happening. Ultimately, it wasn’t painful (just a bit uncomfortable), and I did feel better and lighter and more energized when it was over. Probably no different than the way the average person would feel after taking a giant dump. Before I headed home, I popped by another salon for eyelash extensions, a mani/pedi, and a bottle of snake oil that was allegedly packed with pheromones. Well then... I suppose I was as prepared as I could be. Lightheaded and woozy from the emptying of my lower intestines, combined with the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since Wednesday of that week, I made the long drive back to my apartment in Wellsprings and started tidying up.
As the 8:00 hour grew nearer, I wiggled into the halter teddy. I checked my hair and makeup. I changed my shoes three times. And I poured myself a small glass of Rosé to take the edge off. I gently brushed my insanely white (and incredibly sensitive) teeth and gargled with Listerine so that Dennis wouldn’t be able to smell booze on my breath... and to counteract any fasting-related halitosis that might have been present. The clock said 8:15, so I dimmed the lights, lounged on the couch, and waited.
He never showed.
Laugh at me. I’m not kidding. Please laugh. Or at least cringe. This was some of the dumbest BS I’ve ever done in an effort to please some dude. And then to get stood up... It felt like the end of the fucking world at the time, but it just seems pathetic when I look back on it. Although... to give my lovesick younger self some grace, it really was a pretty harsh blow to my little ego. I mean, at least call to cancel! Right?! Oh, that’s too much to ask from a spiritually confused young man? Okaaayyyyy... For whatever it’s worth, I wore the halter teddy for Axton a few years later and he seemed to really appreciate it. He also didn’t give a fuck about the peach fuzz on my forearms. M’kay, back to the story!
Stood Up? Stand-Up!
George and Lucy soon figured out what was going on, came over with hard liquor and a carton of Marlboro Lights, listened to me cry, shared some of their own stories of being sorely disappointed by men, and cracked me up with their “Prematuely Ejaculating Butt-Blasting Hobbit” sketch... which would eventually lead to me becoming a regular at The Imp. But, in the meantime, how did I cope with the crushing disappointment that seemed to permanently permeate my mind long after The Golden Weasel went completely radio silent... AGAIN?
Well, once we were in tech week for Cats, I barely had time to eat or sleep, let alone obsess over Dennis. And once the show opened, I took up smoking again, I dyed my hair purple, and I had a green finch, a linnet bird, a nightingale, and a blackbird tattooed on my ribs to commemorate my first leading role in a semi-professional production. It’s a very pretty and meaningful tat, and I’ve never regretted it. I loved having purple hair, although I eventually got tired of the upkeep. And I finally managed to quit smoking for good just last year. That may have been the hardest freakin’ thing I’ve ever done. But I’m a soprano again!!! In my world, that’s very, very important.
So... About halfway through the run of Cats, my phone rang at 2:00 AM. It was a number I didn’t recognize. 716 area code. Must have been a wrong number. I pressed Ignore and rolled over. The phone rang again. Same number. Again. Same number. Why the hell am I trying to create suspense??? I finally answered the butt-fucking weasel’s call.
Me: Who the fuck is this???
Dennis: Uhhh... Hey, babe. Good to talk to you, too!
Me (with as much venom as I could muster): YOU. I had written you off as a lost cause.
He laughed. “Nah, babe. I told you. I’m staying with my bro here in Buffalo. But I’m coming back to Cali in a few weeks. Whatcha... wearing?
Me: Dennis, it’s 2:00 AM...
Dennis: Ah. Darn it. It’s 11:00 here. Didn’t think about the time difference.
Me: Yeah, well. I have a matinee tomorrow. If you really wanna talk to me, call me tomorrow evening.
Dennis: Sa-sweet! What show ya doing?
Me: Cats. I told you that.
Dennis: Ew. Nobody likes that play anymore!
Me: I DO. Our audiences seem to.
Dennis: Hey, you wanna hear about the show that I just helped direct here in New York?
Me: Tomorrow.
I hung up on him and silenced my phone.
But he didn’t call the next evening. Midway through the following week, I tried to call the 716 number. No answer. I had fumed and stewed and cursed his name and gotten dangerously intoxicated and written about a hundred pages of scorned woman rage after he’d stood me up. But in time, I put my focus into rehearsals. I planned activities with my parents and my brothers since they were coming to Wellsprings to see Cats. I got back into burlesque. I enjoyed mocking “the weasel” with Darius during my voice lessons and I admitted that he’d been absolutely right about the intolerably arrogant character of the man I’d idealized. And while I wasn’t taking summer classes, I looked forward to the classes I’d be taking in the fall. Things had evened out, and I had pretty much gone back to being my perky, happy-go-lucky self.
And then Dennis rang again, claiming to be back in town. He claimed he was desperate to see me. I caved and agreed to meet him at his place. Things got spicy. And then he clutched his nuts, hung his head and begged me to whip him as he wept over his wicked sin of desire. NO. A little light BDSM (just for fun) between consenting adults isn’t shocking or off-putting to me. But this felt unhealthy.
Even students of psychology battle with mental health issues just as med students sometimes get physically ill. Dennis needed help. My best guess was that he needed some combination of psychological and spiritual counseling, but I’m not sure that an ideal hybrid exists. I tried to assure him that I was perfectly happy to avoid engaging in anything “intimate,” I offered to lend an ear, and I assured him that I didn’t think less of him because he had certain *ahem* fantasies. But he banished me, accusing me of being a wicked siren.
And my head was re-fucked after that bizarre encounter. So before long, due largely to my insistence on making things much, much weirder than they needed to be, things... got suuuuuper weird. Still dazed by Dennis’ bizarre behavior and ensuing radio silence, I decided to take drastic measures in an attempt to forget about The Golden God once and for all. That drastic measure was... Scumbanger. I’d rather not talk about that again. It’s embarrassing. Apologies to anyone who applies Rule 34 to Cats. No smut for you!
But fun random fact! Furries are NOT into Cats (the musical). They despise it. Mainly because the actors in Cats don’t wear fur suits (we wore elaborately decorated leotards and tights). And the actors in Cats have human faces (we were wearing heavy makeup, but you could still completely tell that we were people). There isn’t the anonymity that a “fursona” would allow. So, no. We didn’t have to deal with any furries yanking it in the audience or skulking around by the stage door.
Let’s pop back over to The Imp! Once Cats had opened, it was much, much easier to see the weeknight shows. The improvers were elated since George Gay’s rehearsal schedule (which was the same as mine) no longer forced them to rehearse during absurd hours. And once “The Prematurely Popping Butt-Fucking Hobbit” was ready to perform, I started seeing shows at The Imp on the regular.
It was tons of fun at first! Moe hadn’t disclosed to me that I was in his boom-boom crosshairs, so I thought he was just some eccentric old dude who made up bizarre stories using tarot cards as prompts. The fatass sex maniac that Lucy had told me about was terrible at improv. But holy crap... I laughed my ass off at her outfits, and at the fact that she often got onstage, plopped down with truckloads of grub, and proceeded to engage in what we’d now call a “muckbang” while the real comedians acted out a sketch. Was she ahead of her time???
Within the month, Cats wrapped up. Moe divulged his disgustingness and pitched a hissy fit because he was being rejected by an “older woman.” Even so, I continued to spend my Thursday nights at The Imp, careful to avoid Moe and determined to keep a safe distance from Mary. But the fall semester was upon us before I’d had enough time to get Dennis out of my system.
I’m embarrassed to admit that Moe had given me a “love banishing” spell that involved a candle, a pendulum, a few drops of my own blood, and myrrh oil. He’d passed on this “super chill Wiccan bro wisdom” before he revealed his romantic intentions, and he lorded his generosity of spirits and spells over me when I rejected his advances. Whatever. I still nicked my skin, mixed the blood with myrrh, smeared it on the pendulum and let the pendulum swing over the flame, allowing the ideomotor effect to “magically” push the pendulum clockwise or counterclockwise depending on what I wanted to hear. If I’m being brutally honest, it comforted me in those moments.
The Fall Semester (just before the events of Married Mary)
The golden weasel, prematurely popping butt-blasting hobbit, religious fanatic horndog, women’s underwear wearing weirdo... indeed resurfaced when our class schedules forced him to. We had Biological Psychology together, which didn’t exactly thrill me. That had been my favorite class as an undergrad, and I was psyched to experience the grad school version. I wasn’t about to let Dennis ruin it for me. So I vowed to keep my contact with him purely surface level. Even if that meant busting out Moe’s bullshit spell every week after class.
Of course, Dennis tried to yank me around a little more once the fall semester was in full swing. Though it was heartbreaking to keep him at arm’s length (and though I faltered many times), I realized that I simply liked him more than he liked me. And that was nobody’s fault. We met. We clicked. We low-key dated. We hooked up. And it all meant one thing to me and quite another thing to him. The longer things carried on and the more opaque the emotional connection became, the harder I tried and the harder I loved. Meanwhile, he slacked off and loved far more lightly (if indeed at all). My feelings waxed as his waned. Yes, he should have manned up and had a conversation about his waning feelings with me. That would have suuuuucked in the moment, but it would have saved me heaps of heartache in the long run.
The Diary...
Where did I go wrong with Dennis??? I think I went wrong right off the bat when I dreamt up my own version of him, fell madly in love with it, and then gave that pompous ass undue attention and too much forgiveness because he was the avatar of the dream guy I’d invented. It’s happened to me before. I think I’ve been in love with fictional characters (mostly my own) more times than I’ve been in love with real human beings.
Is that weird? It’s probably weird. I’ve also heard it’s an aro/ace thing. I’m grey aro and grey ace in case anyone’s confused by my undying love for Dennis and the crrrrazzzy hot sex with Axton. Oh, I left that part out of the Funky epilogue, didn’t I? Best to keep those details private. And I’m not gonna launch into an explanation about what “grey aro/ace” means. I realize that it’s annoying to go on about such things. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you probably don’t care. I’m not offended at all. It’s a completely understandable indifference.
So what else went wrong with Dennis? Does he deserve to get tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, locked in the stocks to have rotten food thrown at his face? I don’t think so. I think he might have been on the spectrum. I think he was far less experienced than he let on when we entered into something vaguely resembling a romance. Eventually, I succeeded in backing away from him, although I never dramatically cut ties. That would have required giving him more undeserved attention. I simply allowed myself to lose touch with him.
Am I angry that he led me on? Not anymore. Early into the fall semester, he tried to recreate the vibe we’d had initially, but I just couldn’t trust him. I still liked him more than I cared to admit, but I politely refused his quasi-romantic advances... for the most part. But as I slipped a few times and found myself alone with him (resulting in varying degrees of intimate contact), a bizarre new behavior emerged. Dennis would sometimes ignore me at school. Grad school? Nah, son. We were back in middle school. It was infuriating. The ignoring usually happened when things had gotten spicy between us. But it wasn’t consistent. Sometimes, he was extra sweet and touchy-feely after things got spicy. It was unpredictable, inconsistent, senseless, smokin’ hot, ice cold, and completely maddening.
And I captured every little thing that transpired between us in that dreadful, dramatic diary of mine, which was brimming with saccharine statements about my undying adoration of... Dennis? The Golden God? The Golden Weasel? The Prematurely Ejaculating Butt-Blasting Hobbit? His moniker depended on my mood. I often took inspiration from Sex and the City and tried to write like Carrie when she was pining over Big. I wrote terrible poems. I tried to close the door on Dennis by writing a definitive ending to our dalliance. I tried to rewrite some of the more confusing interactions and make them make sense. I cried myself to sleep in an effort to maximally suffer because I still believed in the notion that one must reach a “suffering quota” before she’s earned the right to be happy. That’s total BS.
But now that Dennis was partially reinforcing my pining, the emotional high was off the charts whenever he would randomly pop up and express romantic desires. The high was even higher when he continued to acknowledge my existence following an expression of romantic desires. I briefly became a Behaviorist and worked privately with one of my professors to research schedules of reinforcement and the Partial Reinforcement Extinction Effect in relation to a phenomenon that Dr. Helen Fisher calls “frustration attraction.” In layman’s terms, we were researching The D.E.N.N.I.S. System. So my unintentionally hilarious giga-cringe diary also included crap-tons of research notes, many of which were terrible ideas. If you’ve ever made notes on a project, you know that the cutting room floor is there for a reason. As for me? I had accidentally saved my cutting room floor as a word document...
A year or so later, Funky hacked into my computer, found my diary, and posted it to Tumblr. I wouldn’t find out about this “publication” until a few years after I dumped Funky. And by that time, an older, even weaslier version of Dennis had seen it... More on that in The Abridged Goblinization.
Pre-Funky
I suppose I have to close this out with a small mention of Whiskers. Ugghhhh... He didn’t leave much of an impression on me until he upped his game and got waaaaay more obvious with the flirting. My head was rammed so far up Dennis’ ass (even when I hated him... perhaps most of all when I hated him), I paid no attention to any other man. With the obvious exception of the superficial attention I paid to Scumbanger.
At some point, once Mary fully loathed Whiskers and once Whiskers was able to socialize freely without Mary keeping tabs on him, I basically told him exactly what I wrote in this post about my feelings waxing while Dennis’ waned, and how I was working on accepting things for exactly what they were instead of what they might have been under different circumstances, blah, blah, blah. He sniffed out my weakness and put on this creepily consistent “attentive, emotionally available guy” act. It didn’t work on me at first because I still thought Whiskers was butt-ass ugly. But then I checked myself for being shallow and decided to give him a chance since he’d been consistently kind for several months.
After some awkward initial missteps, Whiskers (now Whisky, not yet Funky) and I got along really well and I felt proud of myself for finally being able to enjoy male attention from someone other than Dennis. I gave myself too much credit for helping Whisky escape the crazy clutches of Mary, and I broke Girl Code when I dated the bearded giant (even though Mary had been through four new men since the night of the Christmas show... and was still MARRIED). Girl Code is tricky when you’re dealing with a delusional maniac. Some would probably say that I didn’t break Girl Code. Mary said that I did. And that had some suuuuuper dramatic consequences that I’ll touch on later.
I neglected to mention this in the first Dennis chapter, but it's relevant to the story; so I'm mentioning it now. Remember how I wasn’t able to sleep next to Dennis at first because I didn’t feel comfortable enough (even though I was fine with banging him). Was that weird? It seemed a little weird to me. And I had a long think about it after I began to accept that Dennis was a douche. So I made up a new rule. No banging until I felt comfortable enough with the guy to literally sleep next to him.
I broke that rule with Scumbanger. Of course, I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with that dreamy, depthless douchebag. I also broke that rule with “Whisky.” Once. And by the time he convinced me that he had simply been too “in his head” because he cared so very much, I flat-out told him that I wasn’t going to bed him again unless I reached a point where I felt more comfortable with him. And... Dude managed to make me feel at ease. Was this an act? Of course! But how was I supposed to know it was an act? Especially when he was being infinitely kinder and more attentive to my emotions than Dennis had ever even come close to being? It honestly felt like an improvement in the beginning.
So. I fell asleep in Funky’s Whisky’s bed one night. And I took that to mean that I must have trusted him and that he might be worth considering as a legitimate romantic partner. I had established a boundary for myself long before things got real with that masked beard. And although I had faltered a few times, I felt like I was finally getting it right. A few more platonic sleepovers, and I felt confident that I had somehow walked into a hidden gem of a relationship. I was dating a guy who wasn’t my typical “type” (theatre weirdo/attention-seeking pretty boy). But he had been consistently kind. Even when he was weird at first, he was awkward and apologetic. And once things settled down and I convinced him to stop worrying about boom-boom and focus on being a genuine gentleman... He did just that. It was honestly a legitimately enjoyable companionship. AT FIRST.
And that’s how it began. Dennis, by being a middling piece of shit, had paved the way for Funky, a bona fide piece of shit alcoholic psycho, to do his very convincing impression of a normal human being (an impression that he’d honed over the many years he’d spent as Vert’s maître D), to seem like an improvement over the last guy and the guy before... Which resulted in a sense of accomplishment and personal growth when I began to catch feelings for this "hidden gem of a man." Or so I thought.
I’m still not sure if these chapters really explain anything... I think if you’re determined to dismiss my reality, you’ll never accept anything I say. I spent a few weeks writing very defensive entries in my journal, and I think I got all the poison out. So that wasn’t intended to be a passive-aggressive statement. Just a statement that hopefully demonstrates my current understanding of human nature. On the flipside, if you’re already an ally to me, you probably didn’t need this long-winded explanation in order to feel some semblance of empathy. But hopefully it was a little bit funny?
So is Dennis an entertaining character? I’m breaking the fourth wall and asking ReddX as well as the audience. Because I personally feel like this trash fire of a relationship belongs in the book version. And I’m already deep into the re-writes, so the Dennis mess is woven in from the get-go. Also... I’m not dropping any hints that Whiskers is pre-Funky. I think letting the audience in on Whiskers' future identity creates more confusion than comedy. Plus, it's probably not that hard to figure out, so I should let the audience/readers solve that mystery. I’m totally open to constructive feedback! Even if you're politely saying that I suck, I'll take it in stride and try to do better.
Alright. I’ve taken you very patient people on the lamest romantic journey of my life! And with that out of the way, let’s go have a drink at nasty-ass Beer Goggles next time!
And here are some peer-reviewed articles debunking BLUE BALLS!!!
https://academic.oup.com/smoa/article/11/2/qfad016/7148610
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Peter-Anderson-38/publication/10707600_Tactics_of_sexual_coercion_When_men_and_women_won't_take_no_for_an_answelinks/59874c9745851560584cede8/Tactics-of-sexual-coercion-When-men-and-women-wont-take-no-for-an-answer.pdf

Watching Wolf Creek 2 and I still find it kinda funny that the English guy was tied up by a deranged serial killer and his plan for staying alive was to sing random Australian songs and recite limericks. Imagine waking up to John Wayne Gacy and you just start singing John Denver songs or something and he’s like “fuck me this guys alright isn’t he? I better go pour us a cuppa whiskey”
Fun movie though
What’s the weirdest stalling scene you’ve ever seen?
I find them especially weird when the villain is like “you are trying to outsmart me?” and the hero is like “no… I’m stalling!”

Would a kind soul tell me which episodes have her funny poems? My scatter brain can't find it but I did find this one
Over the hills in a weird little land. Live fairies and goblins with more than two hands. Some gremlins they say, can come with four eyes. The dragons can scorch with the simplest of sighs. The scariest things to people like us, cos nothing can touch them, they're allergic to fuss. Until their mother appeared, started roaming their valley. Hiding and pouncing from damp, dark alleys. No noise, No chewing, No signs of a fight. Devouring the children with a plate of French fries. The bitch as she's called in the company of elves. Brought this tormenting curse upon herself. She'd been on a bender and staggered home pissed. Found an eighth and some Rizlas and rolled out a spliff. Got the munchies and reached for the handiest snack. She hate her own kids and then spat them straight back. "Forgive me, my beauties, what a dreadful mistake!" The children can't hear her they've gone it's too late.

Lesson Plan: Exploring Exciting Language Tricks
I. Introduction A. What Are Special Language Tricks? B. Why Do Authors Use Them? C. Today's Fun Journey: Discovering Language Magic!
II. Epistrophe: Echoing Words for Effect A. Definition: Repeating Words at the End B. Example: "Friends, friends, friends, we will always be friends." C. Activity: Find Repetition in a Short Poem Together
III. Anadiplosis: Building Word Bridges A. Definition: Repeating the Last Word at the Beginning B. Example: "Hope leads to dreams; dreams lead to possibilities." C. Activity: Build Your Own Sentences with a Word Bridge
IV. Aposiopesis: The Suspenseful Pause A. Definition: Leaving a Sentence Unfinished B. Example: "I was so excited, but then—" C. Activity: Create Your Own Suspenseful Dialogues
V. Epizeuxis: The Power of Repeat Power A. Definition: Repeating a Word for Emphasis B. Example: "Never, never, give up!" C. Activity: Boost Your Message with Repeat Power
VI. Chiasmus: Mirror, Mirror on the Sentence A. Definition: Flipping Words to Create Balance B. Example: "Reading books is enjoyable; enjoyable is reading books." C. Activity: Make a Balanced Sentence Mirror
VII. Enjambment: Words Skipping Happily Along A. Definition: Sentences Skipping Over Lines B. Example: "I skipped down the road,\nLaughing all the way." C. Activity: Create a Skip-and-Jump Poem
VIII. Paraprosdokian: The Sentence Surprise A. Definition: Ending a Sentence with a Twist B. Example: "I wanted a pet, so I got a fish, but now it barks!" C. Activity: Surprise Your Friends with Funny Sentences
IX. Anaphora: Friends, Friends Everywhere A. Definition: Repeating Words at the Beginning B. Example: "I love playing; I love learning; I love laughing." C. Activity: Share What You Love with Anaphora
X. Hendiadys: Two Words, Double Fun A. Definition: Using Two Words for One Idea B. Example: "Jump and dance, not sit and watch." C. Activity: Mix and Match Words for Fun Expressions
XI. Litotes: Saying More with Less A. Definition: Making a Situation Sound Less B. Example: "The homework wasn't too tricky." C. Activity: Describe Your Day with a Touch of Modesty
XII. Conclusion: Language Magic Recap A. Fun Recap of Our Language Tricks B. Exciting Homework: Pick Your Favorite Trick and Use It in a Short Story or Poem!
This toned-down lesson plan aims to introduce sixth-grade students to literary devices in a playful and engaging manner, encouraging them to experiment with language tricks in their own creative expressions.

``` I have nowhere to be, nothing to have been,
no one-to-one time, nobody to bury,
no sense or direction, no when to resort to;
Not a moment goes by without another on its heels –
a neverending null of nows
``` 1; 2; 2.5 (incidental fb offered in limerick form xD)
i'm new to poetry and wanting to workshop more here. some things i'm wondering about specifically: a. How does this poem feel to you? b. How does it read on the page (like form/lines stuff)? c. Should it be longer? d. Should i add hyphens in "one-to-one" ??
any othegeneral feedback or CC is always appreciated as well :)