Camel crush cigarettes online
TobaccoHistory
2016.02.04 16:48 psychedelic100 TobaccoHistory
The history of tobacco consumption.
2024.05.26 07:35 Dammit_Meg If You're Struggling W/ FB Ads... Read This
So, a lot of you aren't going to like this.
Those of you who work at agencies ESPECIALLY won't like this, because it's gonna make those of you who are lazy and blame everyone else for your problems...
Well it's gonna make you look like you're lazy, and blame everyone else for your problems.
So here's my central thesis for this post, done in my best Alec Baldwin impersonation:
"Facebook's not weak, YOU'RE weak!"
Okay, fair enough, Facebook is actually kinda shitty. But have you heard that old (admittedly misogynistic) joke, "Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em?"
Well that describes FB.
I hate FB. I despise it with every fiber of my being.
But... it also makes me a lot of money. So I still run a lot of ads on there.
Quick note about me so you know I'm not some random dipshit: Been in online marketing for a long time, been running ads for about 5 years. Currently do about $5mm a year in spend, a decent chunk of it with my own personal cash for my own business. I still consult and run ads in JV/partnership deals, however, so not ALL my own money.
So, lots of posts lately about FB being shitty. Interestingly enough like many things there have always been these posts en masse. ios14 was a huge turning point in this industry. And it seems to keep getting worse and worse.
That said there's still people CRUSHING it on FB on a daily basis. Individuals who are doing 50k - 100k in spend a day (I've been one of them, right now more like 20k a day though.)
And these are direct response guys, not big ass brands who can afford to throw cash away.
So the question is... why are you struggling and they aren't?
Well first of all let me let you in on a secret: FB sucks for them too. It sucks for me, it sucks for all of us.
But if you want to be successful, you need to focus on what you CAN control, not what you can't.
So here's my rules for success:
Also understand something that works in your market is half the battle... you need something FB likes too. Which you'll never know what it is until you stumble upon it.
Which brings me to my next point...
My friend. 10 images is what I test in a day. I've been known to test 100 videos a week. I'll write ten pieces of copy for one day's testing.
Do I do this every day? No. I wish I could. I don't have the time/energy. But ideally I SHOULD be doing this every day.
Now if you're running a budget of $100/day obviously you have a lot less you can test.
But my point is... even for those of us who know what we're doing... it takes a LOT of creative testing to get a hit.
Creative testing should be 80% of your time on FB. The guys who tell you it's about the campaign structure or whatever... I mean yeah that stuff is important and can help. But if your creative is good you can kind of ignore that stuff and still get decent results.
Oh and every account is different in terms of what it likes. So you kind of have to treat them separately and test creatives on each. Have fun!
But any good media buyer should be able to take a guess at WHY the creative isn't working, and what should be changed. They should know how to test in a way that is getting these insights that can then be used to further iterate on and improve creatives.
I have met some media buyers who don't know shit about creative but are great at scaling. They're rare, but they're out there. Maybe 10 - 20% of great media buyers are like this. But these people could never fly solo. They only shine in a team with a big creative producing "engine". And they still know how to test to get that learning - they just don't really know why.
So many times I hear about people testing in different campaigns, or on different days of the week, or whatever.
No. Testing is in one campaign. Usually different ad sets because otherwise FB will pick a favorite, but if I could throw all ads in one ad set and have FB evenly spend I'd do that.
Furthermore, you should have a very clear goal when you test. "We're testing angles." "We're testing whether red or blue gets a better CPC." "We're testing which of these 10 pieces of ad text does the best."
Don't just throw up a bunch of random videos. At least not often. Test one element. An intro. A CTA. Whatever. Have a plan, and stick to it.
A small incomplete sample of bullshit things I've heard:
"Facebook has to get out of the learning phase."
False. A good creative will work pretty much straight away. FB's pixel's been dogshit since ios14. Yes, generally training a pixel will help, but this "it needs 7 days of learning" horse shit is just that... horse shit. Often said by people who want to make excuses rather than get down and dirty and do the hard work - making good creatives.
"The pixel takes time to learn."
A half-truth, see above.
"It takes a month to even start getting data"
If I took a month to get data I'd be destitute. You should be able to test if a campaign is going to work in a week, assuming you have the creative ready to go.
If you can't figure out whether something's going to work in a week or two and 1 - 2k of spend, you suck at your job.
If you can't spend 1k a week, then you're working with a client that's super small and that has its own set of challenges, especially on FB.
And if an agency tells you they can't give you some damn good data and an action plan on exactly what you should do in a week or two, run from them and find someone else.
There are more that get my goat but you get the point.
BTW... MOST (not all) agencies work like this:
They sell you a ton of bullshit. You sign on as a client. They give you a junior they get from the Philippines or Eastern Europe for like $400 a month while charging you $3k. They give you endless excuses for months on why results aren't there until you finally leave but hey at that point they got like $15k in profit out of you... they don't care.
WHY I POSTED THIS:
Full disclosure: I am considering starting a YT channel where I basically get drunk and/or high and rant about shit like this for 5 - 10 minutes at a time. But as you know there's no money in that.
IN CONCLUSION:
Most of the shit you've heard is dead wrong and spread by people who either don't know any better or want to sell you this fantasy that ads are impossible. They're not. They're just a lot of hard fucking work.
BTW, you can reach out to me via PM for questions but honestly I'd rather you post it here so we get a discussion going and please don't take it personally if I don't have the time to answer back.
Now stop being on reddit and go make some more creatives and write some more copy to test.
Oh, and to all the lame media buyers who are upset that someone's shining lights on just how lazy and useless they are:
Bring it on, bitch.
P.S. I don't know why the preview is showing all my numbers as "1". I swear I learned how to count, even if it took me longer than some of the other kids. If anyone knows how to fix that, please post a comment or PM me. Bonus points for a funny joke at my expense.
submitted by Dammit_Meg to FacebookAds [link] [comments]
Those of you who work at agencies ESPECIALLY won't like this, because it's gonna make those of you who are lazy and blame everyone else for your problems...
Well it's gonna make you look like you're lazy, and blame everyone else for your problems.
So here's my central thesis for this post, done in my best Alec Baldwin impersonation:
"Facebook's not weak, YOU'RE weak!"
Okay, fair enough, Facebook is actually kinda shitty. But have you heard that old (admittedly misogynistic) joke, "Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em?"
Well that describes FB.
I hate FB. I despise it with every fiber of my being.
But... it also makes me a lot of money. So I still run a lot of ads on there.
Quick note about me so you know I'm not some random dipshit: Been in online marketing for a long time, been running ads for about 5 years. Currently do about $5mm a year in spend, a decent chunk of it with my own personal cash for my own business. I still consult and run ads in JV/partnership deals, however, so not ALL my own money.
So, lots of posts lately about FB being shitty. Interestingly enough like many things there have always been these posts en masse. ios14 was a huge turning point in this industry. And it seems to keep getting worse and worse.
That said there's still people CRUSHING it on FB on a daily basis. Individuals who are doing 50k - 100k in spend a day (I've been one of them, right now more like 20k a day though.)
And these are direct response guys, not big ass brands who can afford to throw cash away.
So the question is... why are you struggling and they aren't?
Well first of all let me let you in on a secret: FB sucks for them too. It sucks for me, it sucks for all of us.
But if you want to be successful, you need to focus on what you CAN control, not what you can't.
So here's my rules for success:
- UNDERSTAND FACEBOOK SUCKS
Also understand something that works in your market is half the battle... you need something FB likes too. Which you'll never know what it is until you stumble upon it.
Which brings me to my next point...
- YOU'RE NOT TESTING ENOUGH
My friend. 10 images is what I test in a day. I've been known to test 100 videos a week. I'll write ten pieces of copy for one day's testing.
Do I do this every day? No. I wish I could. I don't have the time/energy. But ideally I SHOULD be doing this every day.
Now if you're running a budget of $100/day obviously you have a lot less you can test.
But my point is... even for those of us who know what we're doing... it takes a LOT of creative testing to get a hit.
Creative testing should be 80% of your time on FB. The guys who tell you it's about the campaign structure or whatever... I mean yeah that stuff is important and can help. But if your creative is good you can kind of ignore that stuff and still get decent results.
Oh and every account is different in terms of what it likes. So you kind of have to treat them separately and test creatives on each. Have fun!
- IF YOU'RE A MEDIA BUYER AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND CREATIVE YOU SHOULD GET A NEW JOB
But any good media buyer should be able to take a guess at WHY the creative isn't working, and what should be changed. They should know how to test in a way that is getting these insights that can then be used to further iterate on and improve creatives.
I have met some media buyers who don't know shit about creative but are great at scaling. They're rare, but they're out there. Maybe 10 - 20% of great media buyers are like this. But these people could never fly solo. They only shine in a team with a big creative producing "engine". And they still know how to test to get that learning - they just don't really know why.
- YOUR TESTING STRATEGY SUCKS
So many times I hear about people testing in different campaigns, or on different days of the week, or whatever.
No. Testing is in one campaign. Usually different ad sets because otherwise FB will pick a favorite, but if I could throw all ads in one ad set and have FB evenly spend I'd do that.
Furthermore, you should have a very clear goal when you test. "We're testing angles." "We're testing whether red or blue gets a better CPC." "We're testing which of these 10 pieces of ad text does the best."
Don't just throw up a bunch of random videos. At least not often. Test one element. An intro. A CTA. Whatever. Have a plan, and stick to it.
- WHAT AGENCIES TELL YOU IS BULLSHIT
A small incomplete sample of bullshit things I've heard:
"Facebook has to get out of the learning phase."
False. A good creative will work pretty much straight away. FB's pixel's been dogshit since ios14. Yes, generally training a pixel will help, but this "it needs 7 days of learning" horse shit is just that... horse shit. Often said by people who want to make excuses rather than get down and dirty and do the hard work - making good creatives.
"The pixel takes time to learn."
A half-truth, see above.
"It takes a month to even start getting data"
If I took a month to get data I'd be destitute. You should be able to test if a campaign is going to work in a week, assuming you have the creative ready to go.
If you can't figure out whether something's going to work in a week or two and 1 - 2k of spend, you suck at your job.
If you can't spend 1k a week, then you're working with a client that's super small and that has its own set of challenges, especially on FB.
And if an agency tells you they can't give you some damn good data and an action plan on exactly what you should do in a week or two, run from them and find someone else.
There are more that get my goat but you get the point.
BTW... MOST (not all) agencies work like this:
They sell you a ton of bullshit. You sign on as a client. They give you a junior they get from the Philippines or Eastern Europe for like $400 a month while charging you $3k. They give you endless excuses for months on why results aren't there until you finally leave but hey at that point they got like $15k in profit out of you... they don't care.
WHY I POSTED THIS:
- Because there are people on here who believe this shit and waste time spinning their wheels when they could be getting traction
- Because I hate lies and incompetence
- Because I enjoy watching all the terrible media buyers come out of the wood work and try to argue with me on why I'm wrong (seriously, do it. Let's go. I need to procrastinate when I should be writing copy.)
Full disclosure: I am considering starting a YT channel where I basically get drunk and/or high and rant about shit like this for 5 - 10 minutes at a time. But as you know there's no money in that.
IN CONCLUSION:
Most of the shit you've heard is dead wrong and spread by people who either don't know any better or want to sell you this fantasy that ads are impossible. They're not. They're just a lot of hard fucking work.
BTW, you can reach out to me via PM for questions but honestly I'd rather you post it here so we get a discussion going and please don't take it personally if I don't have the time to answer back.
Now stop being on reddit and go make some more creatives and write some more copy to test.
Oh, and to all the lame media buyers who are upset that someone's shining lights on just how lazy and useless they are:
Bring it on, bitch.
P.S. I don't know why the preview is showing all my numbers as "1". I swear I learned how to count, even if it took me longer than some of the other kids. If anyone knows how to fix that, please post a comment or PM me. Bonus points for a funny joke at my expense.
2024.05.26 07:16 Educational-Let-1027 I need some guy advice
Three years ago, I befriended “Eddie” on vacation. I liked him, and he liked me. He confided in the wrong people about his crush on me, and I found out. However, Eddie actually had a girlfriend, and cut contact with me. He was friends with mostly everyone else on social media except me. I never really got any closure or resolution around this situation. Eddie and I never spoke after the trip. So for years, I’ve always wondered about how he really felt about me.
Eddie and his girlfriend broke up two months later, but he never tried contacting me. I kind of suspected that he looked at my TikTok videos, but I also know that for months after, he wasn’t over his ex. This situation happened during the height of the pandemic, so while I knew it would be best to move on, I couldn’t. If this situation happened at any other time, I likely would’ve forgotten Eddie within a couple of weeks or months. But classes were online. I couldn’t meet anyone. For a good year, I had feelings for Eddie, but again, nothing ever came of it.
A few months ago, I was heartbroken over another failed crush. I was just going through a lot in general, and I spent most of my days high on drugs. I posted TikTok videos about heartbreak and depression. Sometimes I’d post five TikToks in a night. Sometimes, I’d reupload these videos. I don’t know why. I guess I was bored. And while I still wondered about Eddie, I didn’t think he ever looked my social media. I never knew if he watched my TikTok videos or not. Even if he did, I didn’t think he still did.
Little did I know, Eddie saw me posting these videos online, and contacted our friends. He asked them to see if I was posting anything else on my Instagram, which is private. Nothing’s happened since then, but I’m wondering why Eddie cares. I don’t think Eddie is this evil sociopath or anything, but it’s not like he showed me any care or consideration back then when he actually hurt me. So why? Is this some misguided way of absolving himself of guilt?
submitted by Educational-Let-1027 to offmychest [link] [comments]
Eddie and his girlfriend broke up two months later, but he never tried contacting me. I kind of suspected that he looked at my TikTok videos, but I also know that for months after, he wasn’t over his ex. This situation happened during the height of the pandemic, so while I knew it would be best to move on, I couldn’t. If this situation happened at any other time, I likely would’ve forgotten Eddie within a couple of weeks or months. But classes were online. I couldn’t meet anyone. For a good year, I had feelings for Eddie, but again, nothing ever came of it.
A few months ago, I was heartbroken over another failed crush. I was just going through a lot in general, and I spent most of my days high on drugs. I posted TikTok videos about heartbreak and depression. Sometimes I’d post five TikToks in a night. Sometimes, I’d reupload these videos. I don’t know why. I guess I was bored. And while I still wondered about Eddie, I didn’t think he ever looked my social media. I never knew if he watched my TikTok videos or not. Even if he did, I didn’t think he still did.
Little did I know, Eddie saw me posting these videos online, and contacted our friends. He asked them to see if I was posting anything else on my Instagram, which is private. Nothing’s happened since then, but I’m wondering why Eddie cares. I don’t think Eddie is this evil sociopath or anything, but it’s not like he showed me any care or consideration back then when he actually hurt me. So why? Is this some misguided way of absolving himself of guilt?
2024.05.26 06:10 AngiTheWeeb I (29M) have feelings for a close friend (30sF) but she doesn't. How do I get over her?
I've known my friend, we'll call her Alice, for 10+ years and been close friends with her for 4 years now. We're online friends and we hangout in a discord server with other close friends. She's a great friend and I care about her a lot.
Last year I started developing feelings for her but she was with someone at the time so I tried to stuff out the feelings, which worked at the time. She then split with her partner and my feelings came back and stronger. I kept it to myself for months but decided to tell her how I felt on New Year's Day as a sort of resolution. She told me at the time that she wasn't ready to date again. So I go on for a few months and she's around the discord less often and she's hanging out with someone else (we'll call him Dave) more often. About a month ago she told the discord that she and Dave had been dating since last December. We were all supportive of them. Since then I haven't been handling it the best, I've been jealous, angry, but mostly very, very sad. I try not to let it seep out but I'm not the best at it.
My friendship with Alice has be strained for months now. She's around very infrequently, which I understand but I still miss talking to her. But the last few days now when I see her post in the discord or on her twitter I just feel crushingly sad. It gets even worse when she joins VC. I've been considering taking a break from the discord server and muting her twitter but I have other close friends in the discord and I would still want to talk to them. I'm also unsure if leaving would even help to begin with or if it would just make me feel more lonely and isolated.
I just wish things could go back to how they were before without these feelings making me feel like shit. I feel like such an awful, bitter person. I just want Alice to be happy. I'd like to be happy too but I don't know how to do that while feeling this way.
Any advice is very much appreciated, I've been feeling absolutely terrible lately.
submitted by AngiTheWeeb to Advice [link] [comments]
Last year I started developing feelings for her but she was with someone at the time so I tried to stuff out the feelings, which worked at the time. She then split with her partner and my feelings came back and stronger. I kept it to myself for months but decided to tell her how I felt on New Year's Day as a sort of resolution. She told me at the time that she wasn't ready to date again. So I go on for a few months and she's around the discord less often and she's hanging out with someone else (we'll call him Dave) more often. About a month ago she told the discord that she and Dave had been dating since last December. We were all supportive of them. Since then I haven't been handling it the best, I've been jealous, angry, but mostly very, very sad. I try not to let it seep out but I'm not the best at it.
My friendship with Alice has be strained for months now. She's around very infrequently, which I understand but I still miss talking to her. But the last few days now when I see her post in the discord or on her twitter I just feel crushingly sad. It gets even worse when she joins VC. I've been considering taking a break from the discord server and muting her twitter but I have other close friends in the discord and I would still want to talk to them. I'm also unsure if leaving would even help to begin with or if it would just make me feel more lonely and isolated.
I just wish things could go back to how they were before without these feelings making me feel like shit. I feel like such an awful, bitter person. I just want Alice to be happy. I'd like to be happy too but I don't know how to do that while feeling this way.
Any advice is very much appreciated, I've been feeling absolutely terrible lately.
2024.05.26 05:35 ImportancePitiful188 Am i gonna be alone forever?
(sorry for the messy post, this is my first post and i just kinda need advice ig) I’m turning 17 this year, and so far in my life i just feel like i’ve never had anybody who cares about me. my parents don’t like me and im an only child, ever since i was a toddler people picked on me and my friends never actually cared about me. at school, people only talk to me if i ask them something, and all of my friends ignore and interrupt me and never bother to hang out with me. i don’t think im a bad person, i do my best to be as nice as possible and understanding to whoever i meet but it just feels like there’s something wrong with me that makes people hate me. ive never been invited to anything, never been to a party, never had or have been invited to a birthday party, and im usually just alone. i think the main reason im so unlikeable no matter what i do is that im ugly. i have a baby face and a high pitched voice ( for a boy ) and im kinda short (5’8) and the only person who’s ever had a crush on me turned out to be a violent jerk. i don’t really know how ppl online can help me, but is there anyway i can do to myself to make people like me more? or will anybody ever love me? i guess im just asking for advice as to how to better myself so i can just live the rest of my teenage life as a normal canadian teenager, and if anybody thinks ill ever be able to be loved by someone so im not single forever. i know my life is great compared to other people, and i don’t really have the right to be sad, but still. i don’t really know what else to say, but ill answer any questions that will help. any advice is greatly appreciated:)
submitted by ImportancePitiful188 to Advice [link] [comments]
2024.05.26 05:20 balkanfarmer I have no reason to believe he doesn’t like me but I can’t help but have doubts
I’ve been dating this guy for over a month (like 8 dates) and it’s going really well!! He’s a really great guy, he compliments me, communicates/shows how much he likes spending time with me, I’ve already met his friends and he has met some of mine. I’ve never had dating go so well for me before! (Never had a boyfriend) Yet I can’t help but have doubts.
I think maybe it stems from the stupid talking stages/crushes with guys from the past that seemed like they were interested but just ended up not and other people’s similar stories.
I had a guy in high school I really liked give me his hoodie and he seemed to really like me in general but completely led me on. This guy I’m currently dating also gave me his hoodie (idk if it was reluctantly or not) and he said I could keep it??
I’ve also heard online from girl’s in “situationships” where a guy will kiss the girl’s forehead but doesn’t want anything genuine with them despite how intimate the forehead kiss may seem. He kissed my forehead the last time I saw him and we were snuggling (god, it was so cute, he also kissed my nose)… I know I’m overthinking but I can’t help but have doubts I guess.
We haven’t talked about exclusivity but he deleted his dating apps in front of me (idk how much that means. just from that and other things he does I don’t think he’s talking to other girls?)
Anyone have tips for my situation? Or any overall late bloomer (I’m 23) (potential) first boyfriend tips
submitted by balkanfarmer to dating [link] [comments]
I think maybe it stems from the stupid talking stages/crushes with guys from the past that seemed like they were interested but just ended up not and other people’s similar stories.
I had a guy in high school I really liked give me his hoodie and he seemed to really like me in general but completely led me on. This guy I’m currently dating also gave me his hoodie (idk if it was reluctantly or not) and he said I could keep it??
I’ve also heard online from girl’s in “situationships” where a guy will kiss the girl’s forehead but doesn’t want anything genuine with them despite how intimate the forehead kiss may seem. He kissed my forehead the last time I saw him and we were snuggling (god, it was so cute, he also kissed my nose)… I know I’m overthinking but I can’t help but have doubts I guess.
We haven’t talked about exclusivity but he deleted his dating apps in front of me (idk how much that means. just from that and other things he does I don’t think he’s talking to other girls?)
Anyone have tips for my situation? Or any overall late bloomer (I’m 23) (potential) first boyfriend tips
2024.05.26 05:02 Synful5765 I Ghosted My Husband Literal Days After Our Marriage
Alright y'all, this is going to be a journey so I recommend you buckle up. I honestly debated posting this for a really long time, but I've never told the whole story to anyone before.
Several years ago, (I think I was 19 at the time) I (now 29) started up a relationship with the man of my dreams. He was beautiful, in the Army, strong, and was essentially the " All-American man." Lord knows he certainly ended up proving he was an all-American man (I'm talking the 50's stereotype complete with the raging misogyny and low-key God complex). I'd always been super self-conscious and had some wild insecurities, so when this drop-dead gorgeous man wanted ME, I was over the moon and quickly fell head-over heels for him. He was funny, kind, encouraged my passions, and always let me know in little ways that he appreciated my quirks and loved me even more because of them. He was perfect. I never saw it coming.
The next two years became a nightmare. Having ensured that I felt I couldn't live without him, the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation began, so slowly that I never even noticed it. I used to be one of those women who thought "Oh, you're in an abusive relationship? Just leave him babe, you deserve better." It is never that simple when you're in it. He made me feel like I was never going to do better, that I didn't deserve better, that I was too difficult to love because I was just "so much," and only he was strong enough to give me what I thought I needed. Its funny now, but he used to always tell me that no-one could "give me dick" like he could as well. Honestly, I can get better dick from the draw in my side table, but that's neither here nor there. When I say this man was a master manipulator, I mean it. He had me fully believing that his fetishism of my bisexuality was totally cool (i.e. it didn't count as cheating if I slept with a woman).
As for what he did to me, it started with the "where are you" texts and graduated to "who are you talking to" and "are you talking to men." He ruined my working relationships, isolated me from family and friends, and made me feel so out of my mind crazy. He used to threaten me with leaving because I had to talk to customers and would gloat when I would essentially apologize for just breathing in a man's direction. I was so deep in the hole of depression and obsession that I couldn't even see what what wrong at the time.
Eventually, he proposed and of course I said yes. The picking of my engagement ring was a whole mess of course. I didn't care about having an expensive ring, but apparently ring price is directly tied to virility or some shit because he insisted that everything I wanted was cheap and reflected poorly on him as a man. Not that the ring we ended up agreeing on was good either. It was simultaneously too cheap, too expensive, and not flashy enough. My taste sucked and I was shitty for insisting I wanted that garbage.
He wanted to get married immediately, but I had always wanted a big wedding where all my family would be present (I have a MASSIVE family and I'm incredibly family oriented). I also wanted to live together for a while before getting married anyway so we could decide whether we could stand each other in close quarters (this made me the devil and proved all I wanted to do was cheat on him). Eventually we agreed that I would move across the country to move in with him where he was stationed.
We were so isolated. We weren't in base-housing and our apartment was miles away from base or any major town and I was by myself for most of the day. He also had the only vehicle so I had no way to leave on my own. During this time, I was trying to get a degree and find a job and he insisted that I drop out of University and enroll in online courses and find online jobs so that I never left the house. He insisted that all I needed to be happy was to take care of him. Cook his meals, clean HIS house, and stay barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life. The dream of any "good" woman.
After a week, I ran out of birth-control pills, which shocked me because I had a 3 month supply (I later found out he'd flushed them). We had discussed having kids before and I told him, that for some serious health reasons, I didn't want to risk pregnancy. Also, my health issues make me the pug of people and I really don't want to pass those short-straw genetics on to future humans because that feels like an asshole move. Anyway, of course we had a pregnancy scare. The women in my family get pregnant if you so much as sneeze at them, so the frat bro who thought I was cruel for asking him to wear a condom didn't take long to try and "lock me down" with his spawn.
I miscarried. It was traumatic, I was alone, and his sympathy couldn't even fill a thimble.
Now onto our "wedding." He took me to a courthouse after convincing me while I was grieving that it was the only way to prove that I loved him. I had just killed his child and the amount of money he'd spent on me meant that I was his anyway. Yeah, I know, disgusting. So we had to go get our marriage license signed by an officiant, which meant going to the cheapest immediately available person with the correct certifications.
This next bit is impossible to make up. I felt like I was on a bad trip. We found an officiant on frickin Craig's List. We show up to their "place of business" and it's just someone's house, and it looked super sketchy. Still, we were here and he wasn't about to listen to my protests so we just went in. And it was just someone's residence. No one was around and we were just walking around in a random house like a couple of confused trespassers until we came across a room full of babies and a really startled woman. She started questioning us in rapid Spanish and he became really irate with me that I couldn't translate fast enough (I know a litttle Spanish, but I understand it better than I speak it). This woman is becoming frantically terrified and that's when the officiant came bustling around the corner to see what the fuss was about and was able to explain our presence.
They took us into this room that was the most ridiculous thing I had seen in my life. There was a lime green "grass" rug strip leading to an ikea style garden arch with plastic vines just everywhere, the walls were papered with positive affirmation posters (think the hang-in-there-kitty poster), and the room smelled so heavily of incense that my nose and eyes immediately started running like a faucet. The officiant ran us through the Mario-Cart speed-run of ceremonies and 10 minutes later, we were headed back to the courthouse to get our marriage legalized.
That was it, my dreams of a wedding surrounded by the love of my family and friends, walking down the aisle with my dad, sharing the intimacy of the day with the most important people in my life, crushed. I will never accept this was my first marriage. It was a hostage situation. But that memory will always be there. Getting married with a poster of a mountain view underscored with the words "A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step" in my direct eyeline.
We get back home and it's time for our "honey moon" which meant I laid on my back and made all the appropriate noises while he did his thing, crowing about his prowess the whole time and, while thoroughly disappointing his now wife, suggested we call up one of his numerous "satisfied" exes to have her espouse the virtues of his vainglorious weeny. In bed. With me. On the day of our wedding. I was so numb inside that the absolute clown-show of this man was starting to reach my subconscious. And boy did she have some tea to share with my conscious mind. The fog was beginning to lift.
Fast-forward two days. I made a joke. I don't even remember what it was, only that he was the butt of it. If you've made it this far and you know anything about abusive relationships, you know what comes next. He took me to the floor (remember he's military) and had my arm pinned so far up my back that he dislocated my shoulder. Oh boy was that like jumping into an ice-cold river. I knew instantly that I had to get out. I was awake and I was terrified. I made all the obsequious apologies, went into survival mode, and waited until he was at work to call my dad and beg him for help. He bought me a next day flight. On Spirit Airlines. Never thought I'd ever say god-bless Spirit Airlines, but hell.
I made up some bullshit story about how I had to go home because my dad had gotten into a horrible car-crash and might not make it, and convinced my "hubby" to drive me to the airport. I felt sick with terror that he'd figure it out and refuse to let me leave while we sat in total silence for the nearly 3 hour drive to the airport. I didn't feel safe until I'd boarded the damn plane. BTW there was literally duct tape holding the wing together and I still felt like tongue-kissing the frickin floor of this joke of an aircraft in gratitude.
Needless to say, but I made it home. That's definitely not where the story of escaping this sociopathic toddler ends (if you can believe it, it gets crazier), but just getting this much out there has been exhausting. I will absolutely get part 2 out if anyone wants to know.
submitted by Synful5765 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]
Several years ago, (I think I was 19 at the time) I (now 29) started up a relationship with the man of my dreams. He was beautiful, in the Army, strong, and was essentially the " All-American man." Lord knows he certainly ended up proving he was an all-American man (I'm talking the 50's stereotype complete with the raging misogyny and low-key God complex). I'd always been super self-conscious and had some wild insecurities, so when this drop-dead gorgeous man wanted ME, I was over the moon and quickly fell head-over heels for him. He was funny, kind, encouraged my passions, and always let me know in little ways that he appreciated my quirks and loved me even more because of them. He was perfect. I never saw it coming.
The next two years became a nightmare. Having ensured that I felt I couldn't live without him, the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation began, so slowly that I never even noticed it. I used to be one of those women who thought "Oh, you're in an abusive relationship? Just leave him babe, you deserve better." It is never that simple when you're in it. He made me feel like I was never going to do better, that I didn't deserve better, that I was too difficult to love because I was just "so much," and only he was strong enough to give me what I thought I needed. Its funny now, but he used to always tell me that no-one could "give me dick" like he could as well. Honestly, I can get better dick from the draw in my side table, but that's neither here nor there. When I say this man was a master manipulator, I mean it. He had me fully believing that his fetishism of my bisexuality was totally cool (i.e. it didn't count as cheating if I slept with a woman).
As for what he did to me, it started with the "where are you" texts and graduated to "who are you talking to" and "are you talking to men." He ruined my working relationships, isolated me from family and friends, and made me feel so out of my mind crazy. He used to threaten me with leaving because I had to talk to customers and would gloat when I would essentially apologize for just breathing in a man's direction. I was so deep in the hole of depression and obsession that I couldn't even see what what wrong at the time.
Eventually, he proposed and of course I said yes. The picking of my engagement ring was a whole mess of course. I didn't care about having an expensive ring, but apparently ring price is directly tied to virility or some shit because he insisted that everything I wanted was cheap and reflected poorly on him as a man. Not that the ring we ended up agreeing on was good either. It was simultaneously too cheap, too expensive, and not flashy enough. My taste sucked and I was shitty for insisting I wanted that garbage.
He wanted to get married immediately, but I had always wanted a big wedding where all my family would be present (I have a MASSIVE family and I'm incredibly family oriented). I also wanted to live together for a while before getting married anyway so we could decide whether we could stand each other in close quarters (this made me the devil and proved all I wanted to do was cheat on him). Eventually we agreed that I would move across the country to move in with him where he was stationed.
We were so isolated. We weren't in base-housing and our apartment was miles away from base or any major town and I was by myself for most of the day. He also had the only vehicle so I had no way to leave on my own. During this time, I was trying to get a degree and find a job and he insisted that I drop out of University and enroll in online courses and find online jobs so that I never left the house. He insisted that all I needed to be happy was to take care of him. Cook his meals, clean HIS house, and stay barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life. The dream of any "good" woman.
After a week, I ran out of birth-control pills, which shocked me because I had a 3 month supply (I later found out he'd flushed them). We had discussed having kids before and I told him, that for some serious health reasons, I didn't want to risk pregnancy. Also, my health issues make me the pug of people and I really don't want to pass those short-straw genetics on to future humans because that feels like an asshole move. Anyway, of course we had a pregnancy scare. The women in my family get pregnant if you so much as sneeze at them, so the frat bro who thought I was cruel for asking him to wear a condom didn't take long to try and "lock me down" with his spawn.
I miscarried. It was traumatic, I was alone, and his sympathy couldn't even fill a thimble.
Now onto our "wedding." He took me to a courthouse after convincing me while I was grieving that it was the only way to prove that I loved him. I had just killed his child and the amount of money he'd spent on me meant that I was his anyway. Yeah, I know, disgusting. So we had to go get our marriage license signed by an officiant, which meant going to the cheapest immediately available person with the correct certifications.
This next bit is impossible to make up. I felt like I was on a bad trip. We found an officiant on frickin Craig's List. We show up to their "place of business" and it's just someone's house, and it looked super sketchy. Still, we were here and he wasn't about to listen to my protests so we just went in. And it was just someone's residence. No one was around and we were just walking around in a random house like a couple of confused trespassers until we came across a room full of babies and a really startled woman. She started questioning us in rapid Spanish and he became really irate with me that I couldn't translate fast enough (I know a litttle Spanish, but I understand it better than I speak it). This woman is becoming frantically terrified and that's when the officiant came bustling around the corner to see what the fuss was about and was able to explain our presence.
They took us into this room that was the most ridiculous thing I had seen in my life. There was a lime green "grass" rug strip leading to an ikea style garden arch with plastic vines just everywhere, the walls were papered with positive affirmation posters (think the hang-in-there-kitty poster), and the room smelled so heavily of incense that my nose and eyes immediately started running like a faucet. The officiant ran us through the Mario-Cart speed-run of ceremonies and 10 minutes later, we were headed back to the courthouse to get our marriage legalized.
That was it, my dreams of a wedding surrounded by the love of my family and friends, walking down the aisle with my dad, sharing the intimacy of the day with the most important people in my life, crushed. I will never accept this was my first marriage. It was a hostage situation. But that memory will always be there. Getting married with a poster of a mountain view underscored with the words "A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step" in my direct eyeline.
We get back home and it's time for our "honey moon" which meant I laid on my back and made all the appropriate noises while he did his thing, crowing about his prowess the whole time and, while thoroughly disappointing his now wife, suggested we call up one of his numerous "satisfied" exes to have her espouse the virtues of his vainglorious weeny. In bed. With me. On the day of our wedding. I was so numb inside that the absolute clown-show of this man was starting to reach my subconscious. And boy did she have some tea to share with my conscious mind. The fog was beginning to lift.
Fast-forward two days. I made a joke. I don't even remember what it was, only that he was the butt of it. If you've made it this far and you know anything about abusive relationships, you know what comes next. He took me to the floor (remember he's military) and had my arm pinned so far up my back that he dislocated my shoulder. Oh boy was that like jumping into an ice-cold river. I knew instantly that I had to get out. I was awake and I was terrified. I made all the obsequious apologies, went into survival mode, and waited until he was at work to call my dad and beg him for help. He bought me a next day flight. On Spirit Airlines. Never thought I'd ever say god-bless Spirit Airlines, but hell.
I made up some bullshit story about how I had to go home because my dad had gotten into a horrible car-crash and might not make it, and convinced my "hubby" to drive me to the airport. I felt sick with terror that he'd figure it out and refuse to let me leave while we sat in total silence for the nearly 3 hour drive to the airport. I didn't feel safe until I'd boarded the damn plane. BTW there was literally duct tape holding the wing together and I still felt like tongue-kissing the frickin floor of this joke of an aircraft in gratitude.
Needless to say, but I made it home. That's definitely not where the story of escaping this sociopathic toddler ends (if you can believe it, it gets crazier), but just getting this much out there has been exhausting. I will absolutely get part 2 out if anyone wants to know.
2024.05.26 04:41 Grand_Cookie5146 No Boyfriend Since Birth
I'm already in my twenties and I've never had a boyfriend because my parents won't allow it. They believed it would ruin my future and said I could only have one after I graduate. Though I had crushes in high school and sometimes we understood each other, I couldn't act on my feelings due to the dating rule. There was a guy I liked for years who joked about my father's approval. So, I thought, why not just have fun talking to guys to ease my boredom from studying? But during senior high, I met a guy and we talked for months, but he wanted a serious relationship while I just wanted to have fun, and I ended up hurting him. I felt guilty about it. This habit continued into college. During the pandemic, I met a guy online, we talked for a year, but I didn't have feelings for him, I just wanted someone to talk to. Later, I learned he was my classmate's cousin and wanted to court me. I got scared and rejected him, feeling guilty again for neglecting his feelings. I didn't know he would like me because I was insecure. After that, I still talked to various guys but refused to meet them, just wanting someone to talk to since I'm still not allowed to be in a relationship so what's the purpose of being serious?
My friends urged me to try dating for experience, but I doubted it. However, last November 2023, I met a guy, and he asked to court me. Due to peer pressure, I said yes. I was wary since I didn't know him well, but he's a friend of my friend, so I felt at ease. I thought it might only last for weeks, but he started to court me seriously. It was the first time a guy brought me food and the first guy I went out with. He respected my boundaries and introduced me to his parents, which stressed me out because his mother wanted to talk to me, and I didn't know what to say. I was often nervous when meeting him. I was happy, but I became an overthinker, ashamed of myself, and unsure of how to treat him. I restrained my feelings because I was afraid of being left or played with. I tried to tell my parents about him, hoping they'd agree, but they weren't happy. It added to my stress, especially as graduation approached. I became distracted, trying to spend more time with him. I became obsessed with communicating with him, knowing I had my part-time job and graduation to focus on. So, I decided to end it. He asked why, but I couldn't explain properly. I couldn't tell him my true feelings because I'm not used to showing them. I was hurt, but I thought it was better to end it that way.
After that encounter, I decided not to entertain any guys anymore and to focus on myself, as I usually do. But sometimes I think I'm too naive or immature in relationships at this age and I'm lack of experience. I want to experience them, but I don't know how to maintain them since I value my peace more. I was even told to lower my ego, but I don't think that's the right approach. I am just confused nowadays. I want to date and at the same time I don't want to.
submitted by Grand_Cookie5146 to OffMyChestPH [link] [comments]
My friends urged me to try dating for experience, but I doubted it. However, last November 2023, I met a guy, and he asked to court me. Due to peer pressure, I said yes. I was wary since I didn't know him well, but he's a friend of my friend, so I felt at ease. I thought it might only last for weeks, but he started to court me seriously. It was the first time a guy brought me food and the first guy I went out with. He respected my boundaries and introduced me to his parents, which stressed me out because his mother wanted to talk to me, and I didn't know what to say. I was often nervous when meeting him. I was happy, but I became an overthinker, ashamed of myself, and unsure of how to treat him. I restrained my feelings because I was afraid of being left or played with. I tried to tell my parents about him, hoping they'd agree, but they weren't happy. It added to my stress, especially as graduation approached. I became distracted, trying to spend more time with him. I became obsessed with communicating with him, knowing I had my part-time job and graduation to focus on. So, I decided to end it. He asked why, but I couldn't explain properly. I couldn't tell him my true feelings because I'm not used to showing them. I was hurt, but I thought it was better to end it that way.
After that encounter, I decided not to entertain any guys anymore and to focus on myself, as I usually do. But sometimes I think I'm too naive or immature in relationships at this age and I'm lack of experience. I want to experience them, but I don't know how to maintain them since I value my peace more. I was even told to lower my ego, but I don't think that's the right approach. I am just confused nowadays. I want to date and at the same time I don't want to.
2024.05.26 04:30 PM_ME_YOUR_EYELASHES Do I need to replace my drain plug after a diy oil change?
I've seen online it might have a crush washer but I'm not sure
submitted by PM_ME_YOUR_EYELASHES to MechanicAdvice [link] [comments]
2024.05.26 04:24 maddio2437 A friend blocked me with no apparent motivation and I am hurting
In this case it is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t do well with making or maintaining friends for that matter, I haven’t for a very long time. As I go into adulthood (f23) I am working harder everyday to put myself out there and try to make connections, but lately it has not been working in my favor. I have been dealing with a series of losses, people I meet maybe online who I hit it off with, really enjoy talking to, and I notice them putting the same effort into me. But then suddenly one day, they just go silent. For the people I have tried to communicate with and asked why they left, they choose to block me and never respond again. For the people I have not inquired after they went silent, they just sit there in my contacts like strangers in the night. A few days ago I found someone new online who seemed infatuated by me. We spoke every day constantly, we had a lot in common, shared the same interests, and he put in just as effort reaching out to me as I did to him, things were great. Just yesterday I made a mild comment about how I don’t have friends mostly as a joke. He asked why and inquired about any friends from college. I informed him I tried really hard to make friends in college but they just didn’t really like me very much. He told me he could never understand why people wouldn’t like me. Over these last few days he’s told me multiple times how incredible I was, how smart I was, how amazing it was to have found someone out there who recognizes the things he enjoys and feels so in sync with him. And I am telling you we would talk for hours on end, all day even when we also had a time difference between us. Last night he told me he would message me when he was free today so I held off. A few hours ago I went to send him a message, and in that exact moment his name disappeared from my messages list. This was actually on Snapchat, so I went to my story, checked the viewers, went to his profile and tried to add him, but it gave me an error saying the account could not be found. He blocked me. The last notes we sent each other were goodnight messages with hearts, and today he vanished, and it’s hurt me. Usually I don’t let it get to me, I know people have their own lives and issues and whatever but after a build up of so many people doing this it has affected me quite a bit. He also lead me astray to believe there was hope here after what he told me yesterday, and I can’t for the life of me understand what I did wrong again. It keeps happening, I feel it must be something wrong with me, what am I doing… what’s wrong with me… I truly just want one person who I can talk to…
submitted by maddio2437 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]
2024.05.26 04:22 Jazzlike_Elk_6535 I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death
I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CP, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account, wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored on, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since I was 14, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
She was the only one I ever felt loved by unconditionally growing up, and now I don't even feel that from her.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him, and he raped her without me knowing.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 19 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things like gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I can never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I've begun therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I started missing my childhood and wanting to go back at around 13, all I wanted was to relive memories.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
submitted by Jazzlike_Elk_6535 to u/Jazzlike_Elk_6535 [link] [comments]
I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CP, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account, wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored on, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since I was 14, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
She was the only one I ever felt loved by unconditionally growing up, and now I don't even feel that from her.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him, and he raped her without me knowing.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 19 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things like gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I can never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I've begun therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I started missing my childhood and wanting to go back at around 13, all I wanted was to relive memories.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
2024.05.26 04:17 HeavyRadio Hell Grows in Oregon
No one grows up dreaming of becoming a Mycologist. However, ever since I saw the first Planet Earth movie in college, I have had a deep love and curiosity for fungi. Whether it be for cooking, recreational uses, or just studying the way that Fungi operate, these organisms are deeply complex and rather overlooked for more glamorous taxon's such as mammals or reptiles. However, these organisms are deeply compelling. One such example is the world’s largest organism, which is a 3.4 mile long fungi that resides in the Malheur National Forest in Oregon. When I got word that the area that this fungi inhabits had opened up due to a sinkhole, I boarded the first flight to Boise to meet up with several of my colleagues to study this creature up close.
Prof. Gene Wilson met me at my flight’s gate holding up a sign with my name on it and wearing a blue and pink Hawaiian shirt. Gene and I had met back at a college party during my freshman year at Boston University when he had punched a man who got a little too “handsy” with me. Ever since that day, he has been like a brother to me. As soon as he saw me, he quickly walked up to me and gave me a hug.
“Kim, it has been far too long!” He exclaimed as he let go of me.
“It has!” I said as I patted him on the shoulder “We both chose the wrong professions for keeping close contact”.
“Definitely” Gene said with a hearty laugh, “you ready to see some fun guys!”
I rolled my eyes at his horrible dad joke as he picked up my luggage and we both made our way to his car.
“So what do you know about the site, will it be safe to walk around or will the park rangers give us trouble for being there?” I asked.
“Quite the contrary!” Gene said as he struggled with holding my duffle bag. “We’ve gotten full authorization to go into the sinkhole”.
As soon as I heard this I stopped walking and stared at Gene with a confused and clearly excited expression.
“Don’t fuck with me like that Gene, surely you can’t be serious”. I said as I tugged on his arm.
Gene patted my hand and gave me a big smile, “I’m as serious as a heart attack Kim, got express approval from the CDC to study Mr.Humungous himself”.
“Oh my god Gene” I said as I gave him another hug, “this is gonna be the best day of my life!”.
“It’s gonna be a day, that's for sure!” Gene said as he unlocked his GMC Yukon, “Dr. Alisha Johnson will be meeting us there as well”.
As we got into his car, Gene turned to look at me. “Kim, National Geographic is going to publish a story about us!”.
“Gene, you better stop giving me good news or I might ugly cry all over your leather seat” I said as I wiped my eyes.
Gene laughed as the ignition came to life and we began our 4 hour road trip to Oregon.
“So, what has Kim been up to for the last couple years?” Gene asked endearingly.
“Well, I recently accepted a job offer from Boston University” I replied as I looked out the window.
“That’s incredible! Though truthfully I never saw you as the teaching type” Gene replied.
“Ouch, that’s cold Gene” I said sarcastically.
“Oh stop it, you know I don’t mean that in a bad way," Gene said as he quickly looked over at me. “You’ve just always been about working in the field, not in a classroom”.
“Fair enough” I said as I unfolded my arms, ”I guess I just decided that it's time for me to settle down. Plus having six months of paid sabbatical is always good. How have you been doing?”
“I’ve been really good!” Gene said as a wide smile started to form. “Eric and I actually decided to begin the adoption process!”
“Oh my god you’re gonna be a dad!” I yelled enthusiastically, “Gene, you and Eric are going to be wonderful parents!”
“Thank you Kim, that means a lot”, Gene said as he let out a heavy sigh. “It’s been so stressful lately having to meet with lawyers and child proofing our home. That’s why this trip means so much to me!”
For the rest of the trip, Gene and I continued to talk about our plans for the future, our work and reliving our college days. Finally around 11 a.m we saw the sign for Malheur National Forest. As we got closer to the research site, a wave of anxiety and excitement washed over the car. Neither of us spoke but we both knew what the other was thinking, we were about to make history.
When we pulled up to the site, we saw that there were two cars parked to the side and a young man leaning against a nearby tree.
“Wow, look at the fanfare” Gene said sarcastically.
“They really rolled out the red carpet this time,” I replied as we both let out a laugh and stepped out of the vehicle.
As we grabbed our research kits from the truck, the young man began to walk towards us.
“Hi, are you Dr.Wilson and Dr.Bishop?” the young man asked.
“That’s us!” Gene said, “are you our mighty escort?”
“Sure am!” the young man said as he grabbed one of the bags on the ground, “I’m Connor Peters, I work under Dr.Johnson”.
“It's a pleasure to meet you Connor” I said as I shook his hand, “lets see the site!”
After walking for what seemed like a lifetime, we finally made it to a roped off section of open land. Standing about twenty feet in was Dr. Ashley Johnson and a middle aged man with a camera around his neck.
“Dr. Johnson, we’re all here!” Connor yelled as we stepped over the rope.
“Wonderful!” Dr. Johnson said as she and the man made their way towards us, “Dr. Bishop and Dr. Wilson, It's great to see you both again”.
“The pleasure is all mine” I said as I shook her hand.
“Everyone, this is Dan” Dr. Johnson said as she turned to look at Daniel “He’s a reporter from National Geographic”
“It’s a great honor to be able to venture into this unknown with all of you!” Dan said as he snapped a picture of Dr. Wilson and I.
“So how far away is this sinkhole?” I asked.
“The sinkhole is right over this small hill, but that's not where we will be going doing our research” Dr. Johnson said as she led the group towards the hill.
“But isn't that why we planned this excursion?” Gene asked.
“It is, but I am more concerned with studying the cave system that the sink hole managed to unearth,” Dr. Johnson said as she began to smile.
“A cave system? I asked.
“Yes, a cave system which will allow us to get extraordinarily close to the armillaria ostoyae fungi”. Dr. Johnson said as we neared the top of the hill
“How close?” I asked excitedly.
“Practically inside the organism” Connor blurted out.
“Dr. Johnson, are you serious?” Gene chimed in.
“Take a look for yourself”, Dr. Johnson said as she pointed down the hill.
From the top of the hill you could see the massive hole where the ground had given way and begun to expose the vast web of black armillaria roots along the holes sides. As we got closer to the opening, it was apparent that the hole went down about a hundred feet and had a twenty foot radius.
“Jesus Christ, this is fucking massive” I said in pure disbelief.
“Dan had sent his drone down the hole earlier and the entrance to the cave is about a hundred and twenty get down, so I hope you’re all good at climbing”. Dr. Johnson said cheerfully as she began to hand out harnesses.
“I haven’t climbed anything since middle school but I guess you’re never too old to pick up a new hobby” Gene said as he struggled to put on his harness.
“Let’s hope then that whoever taught you did a good job” Dan said as he attached the rope to his harness. “I’ll go down first”.
We all watched intently as Dan slowly made the climb down to the bottom of the hole. Once at the bottom, he attached the bottom of the rope to a spike and waved the rest of us down. One by one Dr. Johnson, Connor, and Gene hooked in their harnesses, grabbed their gear and began the descent. Once Gene had successfully unhooked himself it was finally my turn.
“Just take it slow and steady” Dan called up to me as I began to descend the rope.
As I went down, I noticed that the roots on the walls began to get more prominent until the entire wall had been enveloped in a pulsating black mass. After several minutes of slowly belaying myself down, my feet touched solid ground again. Once I had unclipped from the rope I turned around to see that the group was staring at something.
“Is that the cave?” I said as I walked over to Gene.
Gene just nodded in disbelief.
Once I reached where they were I stopped dead in my tracks. In front of us was a ten foot opening covered in the veiny roots of the fungus. Each root quivered as if to create an optical illusion of waves in the open ocean. Along the floor of the cavern entrance were ancient drawings of symbols that I have never seen before. As we tried to take in the sight of this lost cavern, our fixation was broken by the flashing of Dan’s camera. As the flash illuminated the cave, we watched in awe as the pathway ahead seemed to stretch on indefinitely.
“Are these ancient ruins?” Connor said as he began to walk towards the cave.
“You’re guess is as good as mine” Dr. Johnson said as she turned on her flashlight.
“Wait, before we go in we should put on respirators”. Gene said as he started looking through his bag and I quickly joined him.
“Why do you need a respirator?” Connor asked as he watched the rest of our group put theirs on.
“You never know what sort of mold or spores are going to be down here” Dr. Johnson explained, “you brought a mask with you, right?”
“Sorry Doc, I think I forgot to pack one”. Connor said sheepishly.
Dr. Johnson let out a sigh of deep disapproval. “How can you be going for a doctorate but can’t follow simple instructions in an email?”
Connor shrugged and began to walk into the cave. With this, the expedition had begun.
The further we went into the cavern, the higher the density of roots became, turning what had once been a spacious open area into a narrow passage that forced our group to walk in a single file line. It felt as though we were walking through the nervous system of a body rather than a naturally occurring cave. After a half of squeezing through the narrow path of tendrils we finally came to a larger opening where we could take a break. As I entered the area, I saw Dr.Johnson giving Connor a water bottle as he was in the middle of a coughing fit.
“Should’ve worn a respirator” Dan said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box of American Spirit cigarettes.
“Says the guy whose about to smoke in a fucking cave” Gene said, “Are you trying to give us all lung cancer?”
“Seriously Dan”, Dr. Johnson said as she walked towards us. “I expected a National Geographic reporter to have a little more class than having an American Spirit in a cave”.
“Look, I don't tell you how to live your life, so please don’t tell me how to live mine” Dan said as he leaned against one of the thicker roots.
As he took off his respirator and put the cigarette in his mouth, Dan pulled out a box of “strike anywhere” matches from his breast pocket and took one from the pack.
“Do you guys think the root will mind?” Dan said sarcastically as he pulled out a match.
“Wait Dan! The roots are sensitive to heat, they’re like a nerve receptor” I exclaimed as Dan struck the match onto the root.
As he did this, the root quickly recoiled and slithered up the wall as if it had felt the heat of the fire. Surprised by the quick reaction speed of the root, Dan dropped the lit match onto a different root, which also recoiled at a tremendous speed. We watched in awe as the whole cavern began to shift and coil rapidly like a hungry pit of snakes that found a sliver of meat. This brief awe quickly turned to terror when we heard a loud rumbling from above us.
“What the fuck was that” Dan said as he quickly grabbed his grab.
“I don’t know, but we should probably keep moving,” Connor said.
“Oh Fuck!” Gene yelled.
I quickly turned around and saw that the roof of the cave was beginning to crack.
“The cave’s gonna go!” I yelled.
Before we could even escape, the roof of the cavern exploded causing the ground we were walking onto given way. We had walked only several hundred feet into the cave and were already being swallowed by it. I watched in horror as Gene, Dr. Johnson and Connor plunged into the darkness below. Grabbing onto a root, I looked over at a petrified Dan.
“Hold on Dan!” I yelled as my hands were being sliced by my skin slipping on the coarse roots.
“I’m trying Doc!” Dan said as he tightened his grip around the root.
“What the fuck?! It grabbed me!” Dan yelled.
I turned to look at Dan but before I could respond, my grip finally gave and I started to fall into the abyss below. I fell for a second before I was knocked unconscious by the drop. When I came too, I saw from the dim sunlight above that the area of the cave where we had taken our break was now 20 feet above me. Looking around, I couldn’t see anything more than 10 in front of me and I had no source of light that I could use.
In a panic I started calling out to the void.
“Guys! Are you ok? Where are you?”
Suddenly I heard a weak voice to my right.
“Doctor Bishop…” Connor croaked out in between coughs.
“Connor, where are you, are you ok?” I asked frantically.
“I’m over here” Connor muttered, “just follow my voice”.
Not wanting to test my balance, I crawled on my hands and knees towards where I had heard Connor. Several feet in front of me, I accidentally grabbed what felt like a metallic cylinder. Feeling around the object further, I found the button and the room exploded with light. My brief excitement over being able to see was quickly crushed by the sight in front of me. Laying bloody and crumbled on the ground was Connor. Looking at his right leg, it looked as though it had taken the shape of the letter Z. Connor stared at me with a solemn look, as though he knew from my reaction that his situation wasn’t good.
“Guess I’m not the prettiest sight right now huh”, Connor chuckled before having another coughing fit.
“Take it easy Connor, you’re going to be fine” I said as I kneeled down beside him. “We just have to get out of here”.
“How are we going to do that?” Connor said, “there’s no way I can climb that wall like this. Even if I could, I’ve been having these terrible coughing fits ever since I got here”.
“Once I find where Dr. Wilson, Dr. Johnson, and Dan went, we will think of a plan. We have spare ropes in our bags, remember”. I said as I slowly stood up.
“Good luck Dr.Bishop” Connor said as he gave me a small smile, “please be safe”.
As I was standing, it became clear to me that I had suffered a concussion from the fall. Holding my head to help my searing headache, I slowly made my way down the corridor. As I did, I began to see more of the symbols from before. Pointing my flashlight at the opposite wall, I saw that there was an illustration of a group of people praying to what appeared to be a black scribble. As I stared at the drawing, I saw something slither by the peripheral of my vision and I quickly shined my flashlight on the floor. Slinking away into the darkness was another black root. Using the wall as a crutch, I slowly followed the root further into the tunnel. Along the walls were even more pictures depicting the black scribble. One picture showed a white glow from the scribble as the people rejoiced over a good harvest. Another picture showed people gathered around the black scribble performing acts of ritualistic sacrifice. The last drawing I saw was the people running from the black scribble. Before I could look at any more drawing, I felt my left foot get stuck on a root before collapsing to the floor.
As I went to stand up, I suddenly heard a sound further down the corridor.
“Guys… Guys… Where are you…are you ok…”
“Hello, is anyone down there?” I replied as I inched towards the voice
“Are you ok… Guys… Guys…”
“Dan? Gene? Alisha? Is that you” I called out to the darkness.
“Dan…”
After slowly making my way towards the voice for a couple minutes, I could finally see what looked like a shadow at the edge of my flashlights range.
“I see you, who’s there?” I called out again with a shaky voice.
“Dan…”
As I got closer, I could see Dan standing still in the middle of the corridor about 200 feet in front of me. As I moved closer, he started to wave at me.
“Thank god you’re ok Dan, I was worried…” I quickly stopped in my tracks
Dan was still waving at me. Now that I was about 50 feet closer, I could tell that the way he was waving was almost as if his body was stuttering. He wasn’t looking at me either, instead he was staring down at the floor. Before I could get any closer, I felt hands grab me by my mouth from behind and pull me into a small alcove. I tried to kick and scream but whoever was dragging me was much stronger than I was. Once we had backed into the darkness the person spoke.
“That isn’t Dan” Gene whispered in a scared tone.
As soon as I heard Gene’s voice my body eased up and I turned to face him.
“That’s definitely Dan” I reassured Gene, “He was standing right there”.
“I know Kim” Gene whispered, “He’s been standing there waving for 2 hours now”.
I felt my whole body go numb when he said that. How could he have known that Dan had been waving at me.
“What the fuck is this place?” I muttered.
“I have no clue but we need to get the fuck out of here” Gene said as he put on his backpack.
“Where’s Alisha?” I asked in a hushed tone.
“We split off earlier, I think she was heading towards where we had fallen to try and find Connor” Gene replied.
“Connor is down this corridor, but he’s in really rough shape” I said as I looked around for where my flashlight had fallen.
“Fuck, how bad is he hurt?” Gene asked.
“Bad, he won't be able to walk on his own” I replied as I found my flashlight.
As I went to grab it, I hit the button shining the light across the corridor. As soon as it turned on Gene quickly reached over and turned it off.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck”, he muttered as he backed to the edge of the alcove. “Quick Kim, get over here”.
“Why?” I asked as I slowly scooted towards Gene.
Before Gene could answer, I heard the sound of scraping coming from down the hall.
“Gene… Alisha… Dan… Where are you guys…”
The scrapping began to grow louder.
“Kim, as soon as that thing gets here, you need to be absolutely silent”, Gene said in a serious hushed tone.
“What are we going to do?” I whispered as I curled up next to Gene.
“I don’t know” Gene said, “we have to wait for it to get distracted so we can get the fuck out of here”.
“Where are you guys… Guys… Guys… are you ok…”
The voice grew louder.
“Doc… Where are you…”
As the voice came closer, I realized that whenever the voice spoke it lacked a form of cadence. There was no rhythm, tone or inflection. Whatever was speaking to us did not comprehend the basics of human communication.
“Where are you… Are you ok…”
Suddenly I could make out the silhouette of a figure standing right in front of the alcove. Looking at its legs, I could see that it was hoisted several inches off the ground by roots protruding from the back of its legs. Its arms and head dangled like a limp stuffed animal. The figure rose about a foot off the ground and began to lean forward at a 45 degree angle. Suddenly, it lurched towards the wall of the alcove where Gene and I were hiding. As it crept towards us, I heard the sound of a soft thud a couple feet in front. The sound of the thud caused the creature to stop dead in its tracks.
I remembered that Dan had kept his matchbook in his breast pocket. If this silhouette was Dan and that is what made the noise, then using the match could be our only chance of escape. As the figure stood only a couple feet in front of us, I slowly crept towards where I had heard the sound. I was just out of reach of the object when my knee landed on a small pebble, causing me to let out a soft gasp. At that moment, the whole world went silent as I noticed that the body of the figure was now at a much steeper angle. I couldn’t see it, but from the angle of the body I could tell that it was dangling directly above me. Holding back tears, I held my breath as I reached down and grabbed what he fell off of the figure. As soon as I picked up the object, I knew from the texture and shape that it was the matchbook. Taking one more deep breath, I laid on my stomach and held the match in front of me. I only had one chance to do this, so I couldn’t afford to fuck it. I took a breathe and counted down in my head to calm any nerves
“3”
I put the head of the match to the stone floor.
“2”
I gripped the match so that it wouldn’t fall out of my bloody hands
“1”
I said a quick prayer in my head as I struck the match.
As soon as the match head scraped the stone floor, the head burst into flames. Without thinking, I quickly tossed the match onto the root holding up the body. With incredible speed, the body jolted out of the alcove and slithered quickly into the darkness from which it came. As soon as it was out of sight, Gene helped me up and we bolted back towards where I had left Connor. As we got closer to the light of the open cavity above, we started to hear talking. Gene put out his arm to stop me and we hid in darkness along the wall.
“What should we do?” Gene said.
“I’m sure that it's just Connor, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”. I said I began to walk toward, but as I did Gene grabbed my arm.
“Kim, that fucking thing mimics voices and uses bodies as puppets. I think not rushing into a potential trap is jumping to conclusions”. Gene replied in an annoyed tone.
“You’re right, what should we do then?” I asked
“Lets walk up slowly and stay out of sight until we are absolutely sure who or what is over there”.Gene said, “follow my lead”.
As I got behind Gene I saw him grab at his waistband for an object. He quickly pulled out an orange revolver and held it in front of him.
“What the fuck is that? A toy gun?” I asked sarcastically.
“Bitch this is a flare gun, I got more class than that” Gene retorted.
We both let out a light chuckle as we inched closer.
“Hey who was that?” Connor said nervously. “We don’t want any trouble, ok. Just leave us the fuck alone.
“Seriously Connor” Alisha snapped.
Gene stopped and looked at me.
“Yup that’s for sure them” Gene said as he hid the flare gun.
“Don’t worry, it's just Kim and I, '' Gene said as we both stepped into the circle of light.
“Oh thank god!” Alisha said as she hugged Gene, “We need to get out of here right now”.
“Tell me about it! What do you have with you” Alisha said as she pointed to Gene's backpack.
As he pulled his items out of his bag, our hopeful outlook was quickly diminished.
“We have 1 bottle of Ibuprofen, a Fine Garden magazine, a hand flare, a notebook and pen, and a bottle of red wine” Alisha said in a defeated tone. ‘How the fuck is any of this useful”.
“Well for starters that wine is aged so show it some respect, but more importantly I wasn’t planning on being attacked by a fucking fungi!” Gene snapped.
As Gene and Alisha began arguing, I took some of the ibuprofen and sat next to Connor.
As I got closer to him, I noticed just how bad Connor’s situation had gotten in the last hour. His skin had taken on a yellowish hue, his mouth had a white outline of crust around it and his eyes had become blood red.
“I look like shit, don’t I?” Connor said in a joking tone.
“You definitely looked a bit better this morning,” I replied as I sat next to him.
“A bit better” Connor said with a laugh, “Ouch Doctor Bishop”.
“Please, call me Kim” I said I felt Connor’s forehead, which had become hot to the touch.
“Kim, I don’t want to die like this,” Connor said as he leaned back on some rocks. “I have so much I have to do, and even more that I have to make up for”.
“You’re going to be ok” I said as I gently ran my hand through his hair.
“Then look me in the eyes when you say it” Conor said sternly. “Please Kim, if I am going to die, at least give me the respect to tell me”.
I sighed and looked back at Alisha and Gene, who had stopped arguing to listen to our conversations. As I looked back at Gene for answers, Alisha walked over and met Connor’s stare.
“Connor, we will do everything we can to save you. But yes, you are most likely going to die” Alisha said bluntly.
“Fuck… If I do die, can you please tell my parents that I died for something meaningful” Connor asked as tears began to drip out of his eyes.
“Of course I will,” Alisha said with a shaken voice.
“Thank you… Ah fuck its happening” Connor yelled as his body started to convulse.
Alisha quickly grabbed him and put his head in her lap.
“Quick do we have anything I can put in his mouth to stop him from biting off his tongue”.
“Yes, take my button up” Gene said as he ripped off his Hawaiian shirt.
As soon as Alisha grabbed the button up and looked back down at Connor, She was met with black projectile vomit. Alisha stumbled back while trying desperately to get the vomit off of her mask. As soon as the vomit was cleaned she ran back over to Connor, only to be stopped by Gene. As soon as Alisha saw what Gene was holding her back from, she froze and her skin went pale. I looked where Gene and Alisha were staring and to my horror Connor was now standing upright and covered in dark black bile. As he stood, his body continued to convulse violently. After about ten seconds, the top of his head began to expand into a cone shape.
“Oh my god”, I said as I took a step back.
“What the fuck is happening!” Alisha screamed as she began to sob.
Suddenly, Connors head burst open and his scalp folded over his eyes, revealing four black tendril roots that were moving erratically within his skull, spewing blood all over the surrounding rocks.
“Jesus fucking Chirst! Someone do something” Alisha cried out.
Two massive roots then started to protrude from his torso, creating a gaping hole where Connor’s rib cage had once been. Hundreds of small roots then shot out of his legs, mangling them beyond recognition. His body then dropped to the floor, and the roots in his skull and torso began to carry his body into the darkness of the tunnel.
We all just stood in silent shock. Not only had Connor died in front of us, but whatever he became was beyond anything a human should have to bear witness too. What’s worse is that what happened to Connor could happen to us if we are down here any longer than we already have been. However, the scariest thought is whether it is already too late for us, and that it is only a matter of time before we share a similar fate. Finally after what seemed like hours, Gene finally broke the silence.
“We need to find a way out of here”.
“What should we do then? We could try to climb up from here” I said as I stared up at the newly formed pile of loose rocks.
“It’s too risky, if we put too much tension on the wall we might cause another collapse. Gene said.
“At this point, I’d take being crushed by a cave in then whatever the fuck just happened to Connor” I replied.
“What if we go deeper into the corridor?” Alisha said quietly.
Gene and I stopped arguing and looked over at Alisha.
“And what would that accomplish?” Gene replied sternly as he folded his arms.
“We could either find another exit or find It” Alsiha replied as she grabbed her flashlight off the ground.
“Find what?” I said as I stepped towards Alisha.
“The heart” Alisha responded.
Gene took a deep breath and then turned to me.
“If you want to go, I say let's do it”.
“I think it's our best shot at this point”, I said as I looked at Alisha, “lead the way”.
As she gave me a cheery nod, I noticed something about her respirator mask. It had been cracked from the fall.
As we ventured back into the corridor, I stopped the group to show them the wall drawings.
“So this thing used to be worshiped,” Gene said as he studied the wall art.
“Maybe they’re the ones who built these hallways?” I replied.
“I doubt it,” Alisha said as she studied the drawing of the people fleeing.
“What makes you say that?” Gene asked.
“In that first drawing where the people are praying, it looks like they had also found this place and were praying to this being for a good harvest”. Alisha said as she begun to walk further down the hallway.
“I wonder how old this place is then”, I said as Gene and I attempted to catch up to Alisha.
“Who knows, it could be as old as the Earth itself” Alisha replied as she kept walking.
“Hey why are you walking so fast? Can you slow down a bit” I asked as Alisha began to go out of sight.
Suddenly Alisha stopped walking and just stood still.
“You guys need to see this!” Alisha happily exclaimed.
Gene shot me a look before we both caught up to her.
“What are you looking at, all I see is just more hallway” Gene said as he looked back at me nervously.
“You don't see the brilliant lights?” Alisha asked sadly.
“Nope, just hallway” I said. “Are you feeling alright?”
Alisha turned to look at me with wide eyes and a droopy smile
“Kim, I have never felt better. We are so close, I can feel it” Alisha said as she began to speed walk again.
As she made her way down the hallway, Gene and I let some distance before we started to follow.
“What the hell is wrong with her” Gene said, “She’s acting totally different”.
“Her mask got cracked during her fall” I said solemnly.
“Oh fuck, do you think she has what Connor had?” Gene asked nervously.
“I have no clue”, I said as we began to pick up the pace. “But seeing as she's been exposed to the same air for roughly the same amount of time, I’d say something else is happening here”.
“Guys, quickly come look! I found it. “Alisha called from deep within the corridor.
After a couple minutes, we finally caught up to her and stood in awe. We could see a beam of light coming from an opening a couple hundred feet away.
“Alisha you an exit! Thank fucking god!” Gene said as he hugged her.
We both sprinted towards the light as Alisha followed behind us laughing to herself.
As soon as we got to the doorway, Gene gave me a hug.
“We’re gonna be saved!”
After he let go and waited for Alisha to catch up to us, the three of us walked through the doorway and into the light.
Once the light faded and we were on the other side, we froze in terror. This wasn’t the exit, it wasn’t anyplace that should even exist. The room seemingly stretched for miles in either direction. Blue and white lights glowed beyond the distance that the human eye can see. In the middle of this glowing chamber was a pulsating mass of black roots, eyes and veins which looked as though it was the size of a large mountain.Tendrils made of rotting muscle, eyes, and roots, which connected the mass to the chamber seemed to stretch indefinitely, were hundreds of feet thick, and was gushing out black liquid. After being frozen in place, the mass began to shake and the massive eye in the center of its form began to open. As it did, tendrils carrying thousands of corpses similar to Dans’ hovered about us and spoke in unison. As the corpses spoke, Gene and I looked on in horror as Alisha bowed before the Mass
“Alisha Johnson… You have brought forth your harvest…” The corpses sang in unison
“I hath brought forth the harvest which you seek” Alisha replied.
“You must spread my divine word… Connor has given you the seed for which you must plant…” The corpses bellowed in perfect harmony
‘Fuck this bullshit!” Gene said as he raised his flare gun towards the Mass.
Before Gene could pull the trigger, Alisha had gotten up and smashed him over the head with rock.
“Gene no!!!” I screamed as I rushed to his side.
“Go Forth… Alisha… Join the Harvest… Join the Harvest…” The corpses screeched.
“Why the fuck would you do that Gene” I said as I held his head.
“I wanted to go out in style”, Gene said he coughed up blood.
“What do you mean, we could’ve just escaped”. I cried.
“Kim, we both know that we can’t leave this place. Not after what we’ve seen or what may be carried in our bodies. If Alisha escapes, she’s going to kill a lot of people… You have to stop her” Gene said as his voice became weaker.
“How? She’s so far ahead already” I said as I clutched Gene’s head.
Gene turned his head towards the flare gun that rested a couple feet away.
“With style” Gene said as he smiled.
“Now go, leave me here” Gene said as he closed his eyes.
“I’ll see you soon Gene” I said as I picked up the flare gun.
“I’ll be waiting,” he replied.
I looked back at Gene and the Mass one more time before I ran out of the chamber and after Alisha.
As I ran towards the opening, I could hear the deafening sounds of thousands of people singing “Join the Harvest” all around me. As I turned a corner to head down the final hallway to the opening, I was met with a sucker punch to the face which shattered my mask and sent me to the floor. When I came too, I saw Alisha sprinting towards the loose rock wall. Behind me, I could hear the sounds of thousands of feet scraping against the floor. I quickly got my bearing and made it to the wall just as Alisha climbed to the top. As I began to climb the rock wall, Alisha started to throw rocks down on me.
“You can’t stop me Kim” Alisha yelled as she threw a rock at my head. “I am It and It is me, the Growth and I demand sustenance. Join the Harvest or become the flesh which we shall devour”.
“You pretentious bitch stop speaking to me in riddles” I yelled back.
Alisha quickly ran towards the entrance to the cave. After a couple minutes I was able to scale the rockwall and ran towards the rope. As I passed through the narrow wall of roots, they began to scratch and claw at me, as if to try and slow me down. However I bore the pain, as I was not going to let Gene, Dan and Connor die in vain. Once I emerged from the cave, I noticed that I was bleeding profusely from all of the cuts. With all my remaining strength and adrenaline, I made my way over to the rope and saw that Alisha was about thirty feet above the ground.
“This ones for you Gene” I said as I raised the flare gun and pulled the trigger.
I watched as the flare soared over Alisha’s head by thirty feet.
“You missed!” Alisha yelled as the flare went past her.
“Nope”, I said as I smiled. “I was right on target”.
I watched as the flare exploded as it hit the rope, causing the polypropylene material to begin to melt. As Alisha was about ten feet from the point of impact the rope gave out, sending her to the ground. As she hit the tough stone below, I made my way back into the cave and found my bag. As I dumped out its contents onto the floor, I picked up an extra bottle of wine that Gene and I were going to share, took off my broken respirator, and began to type out this story. As I finish writing this, I can feel the influence of the spores overtaking my mind. It is too late for me, but If you are reading this, you must join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest destroy the nest for good.
submitted by HeavyRadio to nosleep [link] [comments]
Prof. Gene Wilson met me at my flight’s gate holding up a sign with my name on it and wearing a blue and pink Hawaiian shirt. Gene and I had met back at a college party during my freshman year at Boston University when he had punched a man who got a little too “handsy” with me. Ever since that day, he has been like a brother to me. As soon as he saw me, he quickly walked up to me and gave me a hug.
“Kim, it has been far too long!” He exclaimed as he let go of me.
“It has!” I said as I patted him on the shoulder “We both chose the wrong professions for keeping close contact”.
“Definitely” Gene said with a hearty laugh, “you ready to see some fun guys!”
I rolled my eyes at his horrible dad joke as he picked up my luggage and we both made our way to his car.
“So what do you know about the site, will it be safe to walk around or will the park rangers give us trouble for being there?” I asked.
“Quite the contrary!” Gene said as he struggled with holding my duffle bag. “We’ve gotten full authorization to go into the sinkhole”.
As soon as I heard this I stopped walking and stared at Gene with a confused and clearly excited expression.
“Don’t fuck with me like that Gene, surely you can’t be serious”. I said as I tugged on his arm.
Gene patted my hand and gave me a big smile, “I’m as serious as a heart attack Kim, got express approval from the CDC to study Mr.Humungous himself”.
“Oh my god Gene” I said as I gave him another hug, “this is gonna be the best day of my life!”.
“It’s gonna be a day, that's for sure!” Gene said as he unlocked his GMC Yukon, “Dr. Alisha Johnson will be meeting us there as well”.
As we got into his car, Gene turned to look at me. “Kim, National Geographic is going to publish a story about us!”.
“Gene, you better stop giving me good news or I might ugly cry all over your leather seat” I said as I wiped my eyes.
Gene laughed as the ignition came to life and we began our 4 hour road trip to Oregon.
“So, what has Kim been up to for the last couple years?” Gene asked endearingly.
“Well, I recently accepted a job offer from Boston University” I replied as I looked out the window.
“That’s incredible! Though truthfully I never saw you as the teaching type” Gene replied.
“Ouch, that’s cold Gene” I said sarcastically.
“Oh stop it, you know I don’t mean that in a bad way," Gene said as he quickly looked over at me. “You’ve just always been about working in the field, not in a classroom”.
“Fair enough” I said as I unfolded my arms, ”I guess I just decided that it's time for me to settle down. Plus having six months of paid sabbatical is always good. How have you been doing?”
“I’ve been really good!” Gene said as a wide smile started to form. “Eric and I actually decided to begin the adoption process!”
“Oh my god you’re gonna be a dad!” I yelled enthusiastically, “Gene, you and Eric are going to be wonderful parents!”
“Thank you Kim, that means a lot”, Gene said as he let out a heavy sigh. “It’s been so stressful lately having to meet with lawyers and child proofing our home. That’s why this trip means so much to me!”
For the rest of the trip, Gene and I continued to talk about our plans for the future, our work and reliving our college days. Finally around 11 a.m we saw the sign for Malheur National Forest. As we got closer to the research site, a wave of anxiety and excitement washed over the car. Neither of us spoke but we both knew what the other was thinking, we were about to make history.
When we pulled up to the site, we saw that there were two cars parked to the side and a young man leaning against a nearby tree.
“Wow, look at the fanfare” Gene said sarcastically.
“They really rolled out the red carpet this time,” I replied as we both let out a laugh and stepped out of the vehicle.
As we grabbed our research kits from the truck, the young man began to walk towards us.
“Hi, are you Dr.Wilson and Dr.Bishop?” the young man asked.
“That’s us!” Gene said, “are you our mighty escort?”
“Sure am!” the young man said as he grabbed one of the bags on the ground, “I’m Connor Peters, I work under Dr.Johnson”.
“It's a pleasure to meet you Connor” I said as I shook his hand, “lets see the site!”
After walking for what seemed like a lifetime, we finally made it to a roped off section of open land. Standing about twenty feet in was Dr. Ashley Johnson and a middle aged man with a camera around his neck.
“Dr. Johnson, we’re all here!” Connor yelled as we stepped over the rope.
“Wonderful!” Dr. Johnson said as she and the man made their way towards us, “Dr. Bishop and Dr. Wilson, It's great to see you both again”.
“The pleasure is all mine” I said as I shook her hand.
“Everyone, this is Dan” Dr. Johnson said as she turned to look at Daniel “He’s a reporter from National Geographic”
“It’s a great honor to be able to venture into this unknown with all of you!” Dan said as he snapped a picture of Dr. Wilson and I.
“So how far away is this sinkhole?” I asked.
“The sinkhole is right over this small hill, but that's not where we will be going doing our research” Dr. Johnson said as she led the group towards the hill.
“But isn't that why we planned this excursion?” Gene asked.
“It is, but I am more concerned with studying the cave system that the sink hole managed to unearth,” Dr. Johnson said as she began to smile.
“A cave system? I asked.
“Yes, a cave system which will allow us to get extraordinarily close to the armillaria ostoyae fungi”. Dr. Johnson said as we neared the top of the hill
“How close?” I asked excitedly.
“Practically inside the organism” Connor blurted out.
“Dr. Johnson, are you serious?” Gene chimed in.
“Take a look for yourself”, Dr. Johnson said as she pointed down the hill.
From the top of the hill you could see the massive hole where the ground had given way and begun to expose the vast web of black armillaria roots along the holes sides. As we got closer to the opening, it was apparent that the hole went down about a hundred feet and had a twenty foot radius.
“Jesus Christ, this is fucking massive” I said in pure disbelief.
“Dan had sent his drone down the hole earlier and the entrance to the cave is about a hundred and twenty get down, so I hope you’re all good at climbing”. Dr. Johnson said cheerfully as she began to hand out harnesses.
“I haven’t climbed anything since middle school but I guess you’re never too old to pick up a new hobby” Gene said as he struggled to put on his harness.
“Let’s hope then that whoever taught you did a good job” Dan said as he attached the rope to his harness. “I’ll go down first”.
We all watched intently as Dan slowly made the climb down to the bottom of the hole. Once at the bottom, he attached the bottom of the rope to a spike and waved the rest of us down. One by one Dr. Johnson, Connor, and Gene hooked in their harnesses, grabbed their gear and began the descent. Once Gene had successfully unhooked himself it was finally my turn.
“Just take it slow and steady” Dan called up to me as I began to descend the rope.
As I went down, I noticed that the roots on the walls began to get more prominent until the entire wall had been enveloped in a pulsating black mass. After several minutes of slowly belaying myself down, my feet touched solid ground again. Once I had unclipped from the rope I turned around to see that the group was staring at something.
“Is that the cave?” I said as I walked over to Gene.
Gene just nodded in disbelief.
Once I reached where they were I stopped dead in my tracks. In front of us was a ten foot opening covered in the veiny roots of the fungus. Each root quivered as if to create an optical illusion of waves in the open ocean. Along the floor of the cavern entrance were ancient drawings of symbols that I have never seen before. As we tried to take in the sight of this lost cavern, our fixation was broken by the flashing of Dan’s camera. As the flash illuminated the cave, we watched in awe as the pathway ahead seemed to stretch on indefinitely.
“Are these ancient ruins?” Connor said as he began to walk towards the cave.
“You’re guess is as good as mine” Dr. Johnson said as she turned on her flashlight.
“Wait, before we go in we should put on respirators”. Gene said as he started looking through his bag and I quickly joined him.
“Why do you need a respirator?” Connor asked as he watched the rest of our group put theirs on.
“You never know what sort of mold or spores are going to be down here” Dr. Johnson explained, “you brought a mask with you, right?”
“Sorry Doc, I think I forgot to pack one”. Connor said sheepishly.
Dr. Johnson let out a sigh of deep disapproval. “How can you be going for a doctorate but can’t follow simple instructions in an email?”
Connor shrugged and began to walk into the cave. With this, the expedition had begun.
The further we went into the cavern, the higher the density of roots became, turning what had once been a spacious open area into a narrow passage that forced our group to walk in a single file line. It felt as though we were walking through the nervous system of a body rather than a naturally occurring cave. After a half of squeezing through the narrow path of tendrils we finally came to a larger opening where we could take a break. As I entered the area, I saw Dr.Johnson giving Connor a water bottle as he was in the middle of a coughing fit.
“Should’ve worn a respirator” Dan said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box of American Spirit cigarettes.
“Says the guy whose about to smoke in a fucking cave” Gene said, “Are you trying to give us all lung cancer?”
“Seriously Dan”, Dr. Johnson said as she walked towards us. “I expected a National Geographic reporter to have a little more class than having an American Spirit in a cave”.
“Look, I don't tell you how to live your life, so please don’t tell me how to live mine” Dan said as he leaned against one of the thicker roots.
As he took off his respirator and put the cigarette in his mouth, Dan pulled out a box of “strike anywhere” matches from his breast pocket and took one from the pack.
“Do you guys think the root will mind?” Dan said sarcastically as he pulled out a match.
“Wait Dan! The roots are sensitive to heat, they’re like a nerve receptor” I exclaimed as Dan struck the match onto the root.
As he did this, the root quickly recoiled and slithered up the wall as if it had felt the heat of the fire. Surprised by the quick reaction speed of the root, Dan dropped the lit match onto a different root, which also recoiled at a tremendous speed. We watched in awe as the whole cavern began to shift and coil rapidly like a hungry pit of snakes that found a sliver of meat. This brief awe quickly turned to terror when we heard a loud rumbling from above us.
“What the fuck was that” Dan said as he quickly grabbed his grab.
“I don’t know, but we should probably keep moving,” Connor said.
“Oh Fuck!” Gene yelled.
I quickly turned around and saw that the roof of the cave was beginning to crack.
“The cave’s gonna go!” I yelled.
Before we could even escape, the roof of the cavern exploded causing the ground we were walking onto given way. We had walked only several hundred feet into the cave and were already being swallowed by it. I watched in horror as Gene, Dr. Johnson and Connor plunged into the darkness below. Grabbing onto a root, I looked over at a petrified Dan.
“Hold on Dan!” I yelled as my hands were being sliced by my skin slipping on the coarse roots.
“I’m trying Doc!” Dan said as he tightened his grip around the root.
“What the fuck?! It grabbed me!” Dan yelled.
I turned to look at Dan but before I could respond, my grip finally gave and I started to fall into the abyss below. I fell for a second before I was knocked unconscious by the drop. When I came too, I saw from the dim sunlight above that the area of the cave where we had taken our break was now 20 feet above me. Looking around, I couldn’t see anything more than 10 in front of me and I had no source of light that I could use.
In a panic I started calling out to the void.
“Guys! Are you ok? Where are you?”
Suddenly I heard a weak voice to my right.
“Doctor Bishop…” Connor croaked out in between coughs.
“Connor, where are you, are you ok?” I asked frantically.
“I’m over here” Connor muttered, “just follow my voice”.
Not wanting to test my balance, I crawled on my hands and knees towards where I had heard Connor. Several feet in front of me, I accidentally grabbed what felt like a metallic cylinder. Feeling around the object further, I found the button and the room exploded with light. My brief excitement over being able to see was quickly crushed by the sight in front of me. Laying bloody and crumbled on the ground was Connor. Looking at his right leg, it looked as though it had taken the shape of the letter Z. Connor stared at me with a solemn look, as though he knew from my reaction that his situation wasn’t good.
“Guess I’m not the prettiest sight right now huh”, Connor chuckled before having another coughing fit.
“Take it easy Connor, you’re going to be fine” I said as I kneeled down beside him. “We just have to get out of here”.
“How are we going to do that?” Connor said, “there’s no way I can climb that wall like this. Even if I could, I’ve been having these terrible coughing fits ever since I got here”.
“Once I find where Dr. Wilson, Dr. Johnson, and Dan went, we will think of a plan. We have spare ropes in our bags, remember”. I said as I slowly stood up.
“Good luck Dr.Bishop” Connor said as he gave me a small smile, “please be safe”.
As I was standing, it became clear to me that I had suffered a concussion from the fall. Holding my head to help my searing headache, I slowly made my way down the corridor. As I did, I began to see more of the symbols from before. Pointing my flashlight at the opposite wall, I saw that there was an illustration of a group of people praying to what appeared to be a black scribble. As I stared at the drawing, I saw something slither by the peripheral of my vision and I quickly shined my flashlight on the floor. Slinking away into the darkness was another black root. Using the wall as a crutch, I slowly followed the root further into the tunnel. Along the walls were even more pictures depicting the black scribble. One picture showed a white glow from the scribble as the people rejoiced over a good harvest. Another picture showed people gathered around the black scribble performing acts of ritualistic sacrifice. The last drawing I saw was the people running from the black scribble. Before I could look at any more drawing, I felt my left foot get stuck on a root before collapsing to the floor.
As I went to stand up, I suddenly heard a sound further down the corridor.
“Guys… Guys… Where are you…are you ok…”
“Hello, is anyone down there?” I replied as I inched towards the voice
“Are you ok… Guys… Guys…”
“Dan? Gene? Alisha? Is that you” I called out to the darkness.
“Dan…”
After slowly making my way towards the voice for a couple minutes, I could finally see what looked like a shadow at the edge of my flashlights range.
“I see you, who’s there?” I called out again with a shaky voice.
“Dan…”
As I got closer, I could see Dan standing still in the middle of the corridor about 200 feet in front of me. As I moved closer, he started to wave at me.
“Thank god you’re ok Dan, I was worried…” I quickly stopped in my tracks
Dan was still waving at me. Now that I was about 50 feet closer, I could tell that the way he was waving was almost as if his body was stuttering. He wasn’t looking at me either, instead he was staring down at the floor. Before I could get any closer, I felt hands grab me by my mouth from behind and pull me into a small alcove. I tried to kick and scream but whoever was dragging me was much stronger than I was. Once we had backed into the darkness the person spoke.
“That isn’t Dan” Gene whispered in a scared tone.
As soon as I heard Gene’s voice my body eased up and I turned to face him.
“That’s definitely Dan” I reassured Gene, “He was standing right there”.
“I know Kim” Gene whispered, “He’s been standing there waving for 2 hours now”.
I felt my whole body go numb when he said that. How could he have known that Dan had been waving at me.
“What the fuck is this place?” I muttered.
“I have no clue but we need to get the fuck out of here” Gene said as he put on his backpack.
“Where’s Alisha?” I asked in a hushed tone.
“We split off earlier, I think she was heading towards where we had fallen to try and find Connor” Gene replied.
“Connor is down this corridor, but he’s in really rough shape” I said as I looked around for where my flashlight had fallen.
“Fuck, how bad is he hurt?” Gene asked.
“Bad, he won't be able to walk on his own” I replied as I found my flashlight.
As I went to grab it, I hit the button shining the light across the corridor. As soon as it turned on Gene quickly reached over and turned it off.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck”, he muttered as he backed to the edge of the alcove. “Quick Kim, get over here”.
“Why?” I asked as I slowly scooted towards Gene.
Before Gene could answer, I heard the sound of scraping coming from down the hall.
“Gene… Alisha… Dan… Where are you guys…”
The scrapping began to grow louder.
“Kim, as soon as that thing gets here, you need to be absolutely silent”, Gene said in a serious hushed tone.
“What are we going to do?” I whispered as I curled up next to Gene.
“I don’t know” Gene said, “we have to wait for it to get distracted so we can get the fuck out of here”.
“Where are you guys… Guys… Guys… are you ok…”
The voice grew louder.
“Doc… Where are you…”
As the voice came closer, I realized that whenever the voice spoke it lacked a form of cadence. There was no rhythm, tone or inflection. Whatever was speaking to us did not comprehend the basics of human communication.
“Where are you… Are you ok…”
Suddenly I could make out the silhouette of a figure standing right in front of the alcove. Looking at its legs, I could see that it was hoisted several inches off the ground by roots protruding from the back of its legs. Its arms and head dangled like a limp stuffed animal. The figure rose about a foot off the ground and began to lean forward at a 45 degree angle. Suddenly, it lurched towards the wall of the alcove where Gene and I were hiding. As it crept towards us, I heard the sound of a soft thud a couple feet in front. The sound of the thud caused the creature to stop dead in its tracks.
I remembered that Dan had kept his matchbook in his breast pocket. If this silhouette was Dan and that is what made the noise, then using the match could be our only chance of escape. As the figure stood only a couple feet in front of us, I slowly crept towards where I had heard the sound. I was just out of reach of the object when my knee landed on a small pebble, causing me to let out a soft gasp. At that moment, the whole world went silent as I noticed that the body of the figure was now at a much steeper angle. I couldn’t see it, but from the angle of the body I could tell that it was dangling directly above me. Holding back tears, I held my breath as I reached down and grabbed what he fell off of the figure. As soon as I picked up the object, I knew from the texture and shape that it was the matchbook. Taking one more deep breath, I laid on my stomach and held the match in front of me. I only had one chance to do this, so I couldn’t afford to fuck it. I took a breathe and counted down in my head to calm any nerves
“3”
I put the head of the match to the stone floor.
“2”
I gripped the match so that it wouldn’t fall out of my bloody hands
“1”
I said a quick prayer in my head as I struck the match.
As soon as the match head scraped the stone floor, the head burst into flames. Without thinking, I quickly tossed the match onto the root holding up the body. With incredible speed, the body jolted out of the alcove and slithered quickly into the darkness from which it came. As soon as it was out of sight, Gene helped me up and we bolted back towards where I had left Connor. As we got closer to the light of the open cavity above, we started to hear talking. Gene put out his arm to stop me and we hid in darkness along the wall.
“What should we do?” Gene said.
“I’m sure that it's just Connor, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”. I said I began to walk toward, but as I did Gene grabbed my arm.
“Kim, that fucking thing mimics voices and uses bodies as puppets. I think not rushing into a potential trap is jumping to conclusions”. Gene replied in an annoyed tone.
“You’re right, what should we do then?” I asked
“Lets walk up slowly and stay out of sight until we are absolutely sure who or what is over there”.Gene said, “follow my lead”.
As I got behind Gene I saw him grab at his waistband for an object. He quickly pulled out an orange revolver and held it in front of him.
“What the fuck is that? A toy gun?” I asked sarcastically.
“Bitch this is a flare gun, I got more class than that” Gene retorted.
We both let out a light chuckle as we inched closer.
“Hey who was that?” Connor said nervously. “We don’t want any trouble, ok. Just leave us the fuck alone.
“Seriously Connor” Alisha snapped.
Gene stopped and looked at me.
“Yup that’s for sure them” Gene said as he hid the flare gun.
“Don’t worry, it's just Kim and I, '' Gene said as we both stepped into the circle of light.
“Oh thank god!” Alisha said as she hugged Gene, “We need to get out of here right now”.
“Tell me about it! What do you have with you” Alisha said as she pointed to Gene's backpack.
As he pulled his items out of his bag, our hopeful outlook was quickly diminished.
“We have 1 bottle of Ibuprofen, a Fine Garden magazine, a hand flare, a notebook and pen, and a bottle of red wine” Alisha said in a defeated tone. ‘How the fuck is any of this useful”.
“Well for starters that wine is aged so show it some respect, but more importantly I wasn’t planning on being attacked by a fucking fungi!” Gene snapped.
As Gene and Alisha began arguing, I took some of the ibuprofen and sat next to Connor.
As I got closer to him, I noticed just how bad Connor’s situation had gotten in the last hour. His skin had taken on a yellowish hue, his mouth had a white outline of crust around it and his eyes had become blood red.
“I look like shit, don’t I?” Connor said in a joking tone.
“You definitely looked a bit better this morning,” I replied as I sat next to him.
“A bit better” Connor said with a laugh, “Ouch Doctor Bishop”.
“Please, call me Kim” I said I felt Connor’s forehead, which had become hot to the touch.
“Kim, I don’t want to die like this,” Connor said as he leaned back on some rocks. “I have so much I have to do, and even more that I have to make up for”.
“You’re going to be ok” I said as I gently ran my hand through his hair.
“Then look me in the eyes when you say it” Conor said sternly. “Please Kim, if I am going to die, at least give me the respect to tell me”.
I sighed and looked back at Alisha and Gene, who had stopped arguing to listen to our conversations. As I looked back at Gene for answers, Alisha walked over and met Connor’s stare.
“Connor, we will do everything we can to save you. But yes, you are most likely going to die” Alisha said bluntly.
“Fuck… If I do die, can you please tell my parents that I died for something meaningful” Connor asked as tears began to drip out of his eyes.
“Of course I will,” Alisha said with a shaken voice.
“Thank you… Ah fuck its happening” Connor yelled as his body started to convulse.
Alisha quickly grabbed him and put his head in her lap.
“Quick do we have anything I can put in his mouth to stop him from biting off his tongue”.
“Yes, take my button up” Gene said as he ripped off his Hawaiian shirt.
As soon as Alisha grabbed the button up and looked back down at Connor, She was met with black projectile vomit. Alisha stumbled back while trying desperately to get the vomit off of her mask. As soon as the vomit was cleaned she ran back over to Connor, only to be stopped by Gene. As soon as Alisha saw what Gene was holding her back from, she froze and her skin went pale. I looked where Gene and Alisha were staring and to my horror Connor was now standing upright and covered in dark black bile. As he stood, his body continued to convulse violently. After about ten seconds, the top of his head began to expand into a cone shape.
“Oh my god”, I said as I took a step back.
“What the fuck is happening!” Alisha screamed as she began to sob.
Suddenly, Connors head burst open and his scalp folded over his eyes, revealing four black tendril roots that were moving erratically within his skull, spewing blood all over the surrounding rocks.
“Jesus fucking Chirst! Someone do something” Alisha cried out.
Two massive roots then started to protrude from his torso, creating a gaping hole where Connor’s rib cage had once been. Hundreds of small roots then shot out of his legs, mangling them beyond recognition. His body then dropped to the floor, and the roots in his skull and torso began to carry his body into the darkness of the tunnel.
We all just stood in silent shock. Not only had Connor died in front of us, but whatever he became was beyond anything a human should have to bear witness too. What’s worse is that what happened to Connor could happen to us if we are down here any longer than we already have been. However, the scariest thought is whether it is already too late for us, and that it is only a matter of time before we share a similar fate. Finally after what seemed like hours, Gene finally broke the silence.
“We need to find a way out of here”.
“What should we do then? We could try to climb up from here” I said as I stared up at the newly formed pile of loose rocks.
“It’s too risky, if we put too much tension on the wall we might cause another collapse. Gene said.
“At this point, I’d take being crushed by a cave in then whatever the fuck just happened to Connor” I replied.
“What if we go deeper into the corridor?” Alisha said quietly.
Gene and I stopped arguing and looked over at Alisha.
“And what would that accomplish?” Gene replied sternly as he folded his arms.
“We could either find another exit or find It” Alsiha replied as she grabbed her flashlight off the ground.
“Find what?” I said as I stepped towards Alisha.
“The heart” Alisha responded.
Gene took a deep breath and then turned to me.
“If you want to go, I say let's do it”.
“I think it's our best shot at this point”, I said as I looked at Alisha, “lead the way”.
As she gave me a cheery nod, I noticed something about her respirator mask. It had been cracked from the fall.
As we ventured back into the corridor, I stopped the group to show them the wall drawings.
“So this thing used to be worshiped,” Gene said as he studied the wall art.
“Maybe they’re the ones who built these hallways?” I replied.
“I doubt it,” Alisha said as she studied the drawing of the people fleeing.
“What makes you say that?” Gene asked.
“In that first drawing where the people are praying, it looks like they had also found this place and were praying to this being for a good harvest”. Alisha said as she begun to walk further down the hallway.
“I wonder how old this place is then”, I said as Gene and I attempted to catch up to Alisha.
“Who knows, it could be as old as the Earth itself” Alisha replied as she kept walking.
“Hey why are you walking so fast? Can you slow down a bit” I asked as Alisha began to go out of sight.
Suddenly Alisha stopped walking and just stood still.
“You guys need to see this!” Alisha happily exclaimed.
Gene shot me a look before we both caught up to her.
“What are you looking at, all I see is just more hallway” Gene said as he looked back at me nervously.
“You don't see the brilliant lights?” Alisha asked sadly.
“Nope, just hallway” I said. “Are you feeling alright?”
Alisha turned to look at me with wide eyes and a droopy smile
“Kim, I have never felt better. We are so close, I can feel it” Alisha said as she began to speed walk again.
As she made her way down the hallway, Gene and I let some distance before we started to follow.
“What the hell is wrong with her” Gene said, “She’s acting totally different”.
“Her mask got cracked during her fall” I said solemnly.
“Oh fuck, do you think she has what Connor had?” Gene asked nervously.
“I have no clue”, I said as we began to pick up the pace. “But seeing as she's been exposed to the same air for roughly the same amount of time, I’d say something else is happening here”.
“Guys, quickly come look! I found it. “Alisha called from deep within the corridor.
After a couple minutes, we finally caught up to her and stood in awe. We could see a beam of light coming from an opening a couple hundred feet away.
“Alisha you an exit! Thank fucking god!” Gene said as he hugged her.
We both sprinted towards the light as Alisha followed behind us laughing to herself.
As soon as we got to the doorway, Gene gave me a hug.
“We’re gonna be saved!”
After he let go and waited for Alisha to catch up to us, the three of us walked through the doorway and into the light.
Once the light faded and we were on the other side, we froze in terror. This wasn’t the exit, it wasn’t anyplace that should even exist. The room seemingly stretched for miles in either direction. Blue and white lights glowed beyond the distance that the human eye can see. In the middle of this glowing chamber was a pulsating mass of black roots, eyes and veins which looked as though it was the size of a large mountain.Tendrils made of rotting muscle, eyes, and roots, which connected the mass to the chamber seemed to stretch indefinitely, were hundreds of feet thick, and was gushing out black liquid. After being frozen in place, the mass began to shake and the massive eye in the center of its form began to open. As it did, tendrils carrying thousands of corpses similar to Dans’ hovered about us and spoke in unison. As the corpses spoke, Gene and I looked on in horror as Alisha bowed before the Mass
“Alisha Johnson… You have brought forth your harvest…” The corpses sang in unison
“I hath brought forth the harvest which you seek” Alisha replied.
“You must spread my divine word… Connor has given you the seed for which you must plant…” The corpses bellowed in perfect harmony
‘Fuck this bullshit!” Gene said as he raised his flare gun towards the Mass.
Before Gene could pull the trigger, Alisha had gotten up and smashed him over the head with rock.
“Gene no!!!” I screamed as I rushed to his side.
“Go Forth… Alisha… Join the Harvest… Join the Harvest…” The corpses screeched.
“Why the fuck would you do that Gene” I said as I held his head.
“I wanted to go out in style”, Gene said he coughed up blood.
“What do you mean, we could’ve just escaped”. I cried.
“Kim, we both know that we can’t leave this place. Not after what we’ve seen or what may be carried in our bodies. If Alisha escapes, she’s going to kill a lot of people… You have to stop her” Gene said as his voice became weaker.
“How? She’s so far ahead already” I said as I clutched Gene’s head.
Gene turned his head towards the flare gun that rested a couple feet away.
“With style” Gene said as he smiled.
“Now go, leave me here” Gene said as he closed his eyes.
“I’ll see you soon Gene” I said as I picked up the flare gun.
“I’ll be waiting,” he replied.
I looked back at Gene and the Mass one more time before I ran out of the chamber and after Alisha.
As I ran towards the opening, I could hear the deafening sounds of thousands of people singing “Join the Harvest” all around me. As I turned a corner to head down the final hallway to the opening, I was met with a sucker punch to the face which shattered my mask and sent me to the floor. When I came too, I saw Alisha sprinting towards the loose rock wall. Behind me, I could hear the sounds of thousands of feet scraping against the floor. I quickly got my bearing and made it to the wall just as Alisha climbed to the top. As I began to climb the rock wall, Alisha started to throw rocks down on me.
“You can’t stop me Kim” Alisha yelled as she threw a rock at my head. “I am It and It is me, the Growth and I demand sustenance. Join the Harvest or become the flesh which we shall devour”.
“You pretentious bitch stop speaking to me in riddles” I yelled back.
Alisha quickly ran towards the entrance to the cave. After a couple minutes I was able to scale the rockwall and ran towards the rope. As I passed through the narrow wall of roots, they began to scratch and claw at me, as if to try and slow me down. However I bore the pain, as I was not going to let Gene, Dan and Connor die in vain. Once I emerged from the cave, I noticed that I was bleeding profusely from all of the cuts. With all my remaining strength and adrenaline, I made my way over to the rope and saw that Alisha was about thirty feet above the ground.
“This ones for you Gene” I said as I raised the flare gun and pulled the trigger.
I watched as the flare soared over Alisha’s head by thirty feet.
“You missed!” Alisha yelled as the flare went past her.
“Nope”, I said as I smiled. “I was right on target”.
I watched as the flare exploded as it hit the rope, causing the polypropylene material to begin to melt. As Alisha was about ten feet from the point of impact the rope gave out, sending her to the ground. As she hit the tough stone below, I made my way back into the cave and found my bag. As I dumped out its contents onto the floor, I picked up an extra bottle of wine that Gene and I were going to share, took off my broken respirator, and began to type out this story. As I finish writing this, I can feel the influence of the spores overtaking my mind. It is too late for me, but If you are reading this, you must join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest join the harvest destroy the nest for good.
2024.05.26 04:00 OliviaChesterfield Venting more or less about friendships, dating and purity culture, since deconstructing.
(Beware: This is long, but I think it’s therapeutic for me to type it all out, lol.)
The last few months have been really rough for me. A little back story, I’m 35 years old. Grew up with alot of Baptist and Mennonite type teachings. I walked away from Christianity two years ago, and the last couple of years have been ones of deconstructing. My family still does not know, so I’ve been alone in this whole process. I’m #3 of 7 kids, and the only one who has walked away from Christianity.
I am still a virgin. During the last two years, I was getting to know a 46 year old man. He took me out on a date, and shortly after our first date he mentioned “the distance between us” — meaning having sex. I told him I still needed time to get to know someone first, before having sex with them. I had shared with him that I had, or was walking away from my Christian upbringing, and it was challenging for me with my family… but I didn’t tell him yet I was still a virgin. I wanted to know if I could trust him. I did let him know that sex wasn’t all I was looking for. I said I wanted something more. I told him if a sexual relationship was all he wanted, we could part knowing we both have different needs, and I’d wish him well. He said ‘oh no, he wanted the same things as well.’
A month after our first date, I found out that he had a girlfriend that he was hiding. I was not comfortable with it, and didn’t want to be another number on his list, so I told him we should stop talking.
(Side note: He hides evidence of her online, and has no pictures of them together. His status is “single” on Facebook. I found photos of them at an event—holding hands — shortly after his and my date, and he’s taken her home to his parents a few times.) When I asked him about her, he said he “didn’t know what I meant.”
6 weeks went by, and he and I spoke again. He said he was bummed with how I ended things. He said how he wanted to say more to me, but he was glad I was doing well. We both were so attracted to each other, and there was alooot of chemistry there. I enjoyed talking with him, and so, we started texting again. He would text me every so often, wish me well, wondered how I was doing or tell me he was thinking of me. Every now and then, he’d send a “hug” emoji on my Facebook photos. Sometimes he’d send photos of himself (clothed, haha) and ask me if I could see a difference. (He had lost 21 pounds). Somewhere in there, he suggested that we should go travel to Italy together in 2024 — and to which I said, “that would be so fun!”
In December (5 months ago), I ran into him again, and he gave me a very passionate hug and nuzzled his cheek against mine. He texted me later to say how good it was to see me. I unexpectedly ran into him again in February, and he gave me another passionate hug, but this time nuzzled both my cheeks — one side and then switched to the other side, and moved his hands up and down my back and lower back. I enjoyed it (haha), and he reached forward to kiss me, and then suddenly went, “Noooope!” And ran out the door with a slight grin. I was so disappointed that we didn’t kiss, and felt very self-conscious about it — like, maybe it was my fault for being awkward? Did he get scared? He texted afterwards, ‘it was good to see me, and I looked great.’ A few days later, he asked if I’d ever want him to come over for dinner. I said, “I’d love that!” Then he asked, “Would you ever want me to spend the night?” And I said, “Maybe.” 😜 He just said, “Haha.”
I still hadn’t told him yet that I was a virgin. I decided after a year and a half of knowing him, and feeling the possibility of us being together intimately soon, I needed to tell him. SO, I did. I told him I was still a virgin due to my upbringing, but I no longer held to those beliefs, and I was no longer saving it for somebody. I told him I did want sex, but I just don’t want to do it with somebody I don’t know.
He was silent in thought for a bit, and then he said:
”You should not be ashamed of that...in reality you should be proud of that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or that situation at all. You should NOT just ‘get it over with.’ You will regret that forever. Just go with the flow. It will happen at the correct time. But don't force it and there is absolutely NOTHING you should be ashamed about. It's actually very respectable.”
When he responded with that, I was so relieved! I thought he took it very well!
We talked alittle about my vibrator, and he said it was “giving him some thoughts, for sure!”
Not long after that, he completely ghosted me. (This was a couple months ago.) I have been completely devastated. I’ve been doing some reading, and I’m fairly certain he has an Avoidant Attachment Style. He was married once for 7 years, and got divorced 13 years ago. He hasn’t married since. I have found evidence of his having atleast 4 girlfriends in the last 5 years — who knows, there may have been more.
But I ask myself, if all he wanted was sex, why did he “hang in there” for over a year and a half? Why didn’t he ghost after a month or two? I suppose me telling him I was a virgin was the “nail in the coffin” for him, but I still don’t understand. It’s been deeply hurtful. Just because I have no experience doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have a good time? (Sorry for the TMI.) 🤣🙈🙊 The chemistry was really, really strong between us. I really thought he was going to be my “first one.”
I also feel like I have lost a friend. We would always text here and there—never sexual, but just chit chat. (Even though the chemistry was always flowing underneath.)
Deconstructing from Christianity has been a deeply lonely experience, and to have this happen on top of it has been crushing. Couldn’t he atleast have sent a goodbye message, like, “Sorry, I don’t want to teach a virgin,” or something? 😭
The other day, a former best friend of mine (who is Seventh Day Adventist) texted me and asked me how I was and what was new in my life. I’ve been hurting so much over this situation, so I told her how a guy dumped me for being a virgin, and how it’s hurt my self-esteem, making me feel like worthless rubbish.
She said: “Remember that your virginity is a special gift you are saving for your husband and he will be grateful for it. …You can always change to be like the world, but they can never change to be like you.”
I know she meant well, but her message really irked me. After I told her, I wished I had never told her in the first place. She and I are no longer on the “same page” with these things. I’ve been wondering if it would be best if I slowly cut ties with her—because we believe so different.
I feel so alone and lonely—not to mention how hurt and stuck I feel over this whole guy situation. 😞 I really, genuinely cared about him — as a friend, and I had hoped, more. (That’s why I’m on Reddit, ha!! Thank you all for listening. I have no one else to talk to.) 🩷
submitted by OliviaChesterfield to exchristian [link] [comments]
The last few months have been really rough for me. A little back story, I’m 35 years old. Grew up with alot of Baptist and Mennonite type teachings. I walked away from Christianity two years ago, and the last couple of years have been ones of deconstructing. My family still does not know, so I’ve been alone in this whole process. I’m #3 of 7 kids, and the only one who has walked away from Christianity.
I am still a virgin. During the last two years, I was getting to know a 46 year old man. He took me out on a date, and shortly after our first date he mentioned “the distance between us” — meaning having sex. I told him I still needed time to get to know someone first, before having sex with them. I had shared with him that I had, or was walking away from my Christian upbringing, and it was challenging for me with my family… but I didn’t tell him yet I was still a virgin. I wanted to know if I could trust him. I did let him know that sex wasn’t all I was looking for. I said I wanted something more. I told him if a sexual relationship was all he wanted, we could part knowing we both have different needs, and I’d wish him well. He said ‘oh no, he wanted the same things as well.’
A month after our first date, I found out that he had a girlfriend that he was hiding. I was not comfortable with it, and didn’t want to be another number on his list, so I told him we should stop talking.
(Side note: He hides evidence of her online, and has no pictures of them together. His status is “single” on Facebook. I found photos of them at an event—holding hands — shortly after his and my date, and he’s taken her home to his parents a few times.) When I asked him about her, he said he “didn’t know what I meant.”
6 weeks went by, and he and I spoke again. He said he was bummed with how I ended things. He said how he wanted to say more to me, but he was glad I was doing well. We both were so attracted to each other, and there was alooot of chemistry there. I enjoyed talking with him, and so, we started texting again. He would text me every so often, wish me well, wondered how I was doing or tell me he was thinking of me. Every now and then, he’d send a “hug” emoji on my Facebook photos. Sometimes he’d send photos of himself (clothed, haha) and ask me if I could see a difference. (He had lost 21 pounds). Somewhere in there, he suggested that we should go travel to Italy together in 2024 — and to which I said, “that would be so fun!”
In December (5 months ago), I ran into him again, and he gave me a very passionate hug and nuzzled his cheek against mine. He texted me later to say how good it was to see me. I unexpectedly ran into him again in February, and he gave me another passionate hug, but this time nuzzled both my cheeks — one side and then switched to the other side, and moved his hands up and down my back and lower back. I enjoyed it (haha), and he reached forward to kiss me, and then suddenly went, “Noooope!” And ran out the door with a slight grin. I was so disappointed that we didn’t kiss, and felt very self-conscious about it — like, maybe it was my fault for being awkward? Did he get scared? He texted afterwards, ‘it was good to see me, and I looked great.’ A few days later, he asked if I’d ever want him to come over for dinner. I said, “I’d love that!” Then he asked, “Would you ever want me to spend the night?” And I said, “Maybe.” 😜 He just said, “Haha.”
I still hadn’t told him yet that I was a virgin. I decided after a year and a half of knowing him, and feeling the possibility of us being together intimately soon, I needed to tell him. SO, I did. I told him I was still a virgin due to my upbringing, but I no longer held to those beliefs, and I was no longer saving it for somebody. I told him I did want sex, but I just don’t want to do it with somebody I don’t know.
He was silent in thought for a bit, and then he said:
”You should not be ashamed of that...in reality you should be proud of that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or that situation at all. You should NOT just ‘get it over with.’ You will regret that forever. Just go with the flow. It will happen at the correct time. But don't force it and there is absolutely NOTHING you should be ashamed about. It's actually very respectable.”
When he responded with that, I was so relieved! I thought he took it very well!
We talked alittle about my vibrator, and he said it was “giving him some thoughts, for sure!”
Not long after that, he completely ghosted me. (This was a couple months ago.) I have been completely devastated. I’ve been doing some reading, and I’m fairly certain he has an Avoidant Attachment Style. He was married once for 7 years, and got divorced 13 years ago. He hasn’t married since. I have found evidence of his having atleast 4 girlfriends in the last 5 years — who knows, there may have been more.
But I ask myself, if all he wanted was sex, why did he “hang in there” for over a year and a half? Why didn’t he ghost after a month or two? I suppose me telling him I was a virgin was the “nail in the coffin” for him, but I still don’t understand. It’s been deeply hurtful. Just because I have no experience doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have a good time? (Sorry for the TMI.) 🤣🙈🙊 The chemistry was really, really strong between us. I really thought he was going to be my “first one.”
I also feel like I have lost a friend. We would always text here and there—never sexual, but just chit chat. (Even though the chemistry was always flowing underneath.)
Deconstructing from Christianity has been a deeply lonely experience, and to have this happen on top of it has been crushing. Couldn’t he atleast have sent a goodbye message, like, “Sorry, I don’t want to teach a virgin,” or something? 😭
The other day, a former best friend of mine (who is Seventh Day Adventist) texted me and asked me how I was and what was new in my life. I’ve been hurting so much over this situation, so I told her how a guy dumped me for being a virgin, and how it’s hurt my self-esteem, making me feel like worthless rubbish.
She said: “Remember that your virginity is a special gift you are saving for your husband and he will be grateful for it. …You can always change to be like the world, but they can never change to be like you.”
I know she meant well, but her message really irked me. After I told her, I wished I had never told her in the first place. She and I are no longer on the “same page” with these things. I’ve been wondering if it would be best if I slowly cut ties with her—because we believe so different.
I feel so alone and lonely—not to mention how hurt and stuck I feel over this whole guy situation. 😞 I really, genuinely cared about him — as a friend, and I had hoped, more. (That’s why I’m on Reddit, ha!! Thank you all for listening. I have no one else to talk to.) 🩷
2024.05.26 04:00 taknangmgayawa Maling Akala EP 2 Season 1
Hello mga kababayan, ngayon I kukuwento ko sainyo ang aking STE story at ang title na Ito ay ang maling akala Ito ay base sa totoong storya ko.
Ako ang gumawa ng kuwento na Ito at ngayon ay grade 7 pa lamang ako huwala ako masyadong kilala SA aking mga kaklase at wala akong kaibigan subalit noong sinubukan ko uli mag roblox nakilala ko ang pinaka kaibigan ko SA roblox at yon ay si jam(Di ko na ilalagay user for privacy reason) siya ay aking isang kaibigan SA online game na Roblox Kami ay nag lalaro halos araw araw ng pet simulator X at Kami ay laging sinusubukan lumakas sa laro na yon hanggang na kamit na namin ang aming pangarap na maging mayaman at malakas sa laro na iyon. Subalit ang lahat na iyon ay huminto nuong lumakas na Kami hindi na Kami masyadong nag lalaro dahil para samin ay tapos na ang aming pangarap at nag simulang mag labo, na kaming dalawa ay mag laro at dumating sa puntong hinde ako nag Roblox Ng matagal dahil aa online class iniwan ko muna ang online games para mag aral Ng mabuti at nuong natapos na ang 2nd quarter bumalik ako sa roblox at nakita ko siyang nag lalaro kaya sumali ako pag ka join ko agad siyang nag chat Kung bakit hinde ako nag laro ng matagal, sinabi ko sakanya ang lahat, naintindihan Naman niya at nag laro Kami Ng matagal. Ngayon punta Naman tayo SA ora's na ikinasaya at ikinasira Ng buhay ko, nuong half 3rd quarter na ang aming akademya sinubukan Kong mag seen sa aming online gc na hinde ako nag chachat, at first time ko mag chat nag hi ako tapos may mga bumati saakin don ko rin nakilala si Cedi ang aking naging unang kaibigan. Dahil ako ay may depression nuon at wala akong confidence na makipag usap kahit kanino sa aking kamagag aral. Nag bago ang aking buhay nuong sinubukan ko makipag socialize sa aking mga kaklase at duon sumaya ang aking buhay nakilala ko sina Cedi,Mark, Lawrence,Aaron. naging kaibigan ko sila, Sila ang dahilan ng pagkasaya ng aking buhay subalit ang iba ay nagdulot Ng pagkasira Ng aking buhay. Ngayon punta Naman na Tayo SA recognition day dahil wala Naman importanteng nangyari SA ibang quarter na iyon, nuong pag punta namin SA recognition day nakita ko ang aking mga kaklase at may nakita akong isang magandang babae siya ay Maputi,tahimik,maganda,at siya ay napaka tahimik akala ko nuon siya ay high standards. After ng recognition pag Ka uwi chinat ko agad si Jarsen, aking kaibigan noon. Dahil alam kong siya ang maaring makakakilala sakanya at nuong Una tinanong ko sakanya Kung sino Yong Maputing naka salamin na tahimik na babae at duon ko na nalaman na ang pangalan niya ay ******* nag Ka gusto ako sakanya nuong after Ng recognition day, at lipat naman tayo sa sept 23 7:08pm nag chat ako sakanya dahil nabuo ko na ang aking confidence at nag chat back siya, ayon nag chat kami araw araw Kami nag chachat at sinabi ko kay Sha na crush ko siya at hinde ko akalain na nuong sept 27 ni block ako ni ****, at ako ay halos laging nag papa send Kay Aaron ng mga message tulad Ng Kung ano ang dahilan Ng pag block, pag sorry ko maski wala akong kasalanan,at iba pa subalit, after ilang months ng pighati nalaman ko lang na pinagkalat pala ni Sasha na crush ko siya at nag sabi siya ng mga hinde totoong impormasyon about saakin at ang mga ibang tao ay nagbago ang pag tingin saakin dahil sa pangyayaring iyon. Inakala Ng ibang tao na, nasa gc Kung Saan kinalat ni Sha na ako ay racist,homophobic,etc. Ito ay nagbigay sakin nang masaklap na insecurities, depression, lost of confidence, etc. Ako ay nagalit ng sobra nuong araw na iyon at nag chat agad ako Kay Sha noong ona tinatanggi niya. Pero nag send ako Ng MGA proofs na kinalat niya at nuong una tinuring niyang as a joke yoong ginawa niya at wala siyang pake dahil hinde niya alam kung gaano kalaki maaapektohan ang aking buhay sa kaniyang ginawa ni block ko siya at ako ay laging nag ra-rant kila Aaron at Cedi about doon sa nangyari at tinutulungan naman nila ako. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang grade 8 subalit nuong December Kami ay nagusap uli ni **** at tumagal ito Ng mahigit tatlong buwan at muntik na kami naging magkaibigan sa personal dahil sinabi ko sakanya Kung pwede ako makipag usap sakanya sa personal sapagkat siya na lang ang aking kaklase na hinde ko pa nakakausap sa personal at siya naman ay sumang ayon na gawin ko ang itong plano ko subalit hinde ko magawa-gawa ito dahil pag sinusubukan ko na kausapin siya subalit bumabalik dila ko dahil hinde ko mabuo ang confidence na makipag usap sakanya, kaya sa chat na lamang ako nakikipag usap sakanya. Subalit nuong march 3 last ko na chat at hinde ako nag chat ng march 4 at march 5 sapagkat ito ay sabado linggo at mami ay lumabas. Nuong march 5 Ng Gabi nakita ko na unavailable na ang kayang account SA akin at ibig sabihin non ay ni block niya ako ule ako, ako ay nanahimik na lamang at hinde na ako umasa uli na ako ay I unblock or kausapin uli. Sinabi ko ito kay Aaron at siya ay nabigla ren dahil maayos naman ang aming pag kakaibigan at walang impormasyon Kung bakit ulit ako ni block. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang school year 2022-2023 at hanggang ngayon hinde ko na kinausap si ******* muli at ako ay hanggang ngayon walang confidence at balak na kausapin siya sapagkat nahihiya na ako sakanya dahil SA aking nakaraan malapit na ang recognition SA tingin niyo ba may part 2?? Sa tingin ko wala pero hinde natin malalaman ang ating kinabukasan kung hinde tayo pupunta dito. At Yan ang aking grade 8 life ako ay kasulukuyan na masaya dahil SA aking mga kaibigan at hanggang ngayon may poot parin ako kay ******* dahil sa nakaraan salamat sa iyo Kung umabot Ka dito ako ay lubos na masaya dahil na labas ko na ang aking mga nararamdaman salamat ule at paalam SA iyo kababayan. Magandang Gabi kababayan, ngayon ay ako ay nasa ika-9 na baitang na. Madaming nangyari bago matapos ang recognition Ng aming ika-8 na baitang. Bago matapos ang recognition, si Jamal II, ang dati Kong kaibigan ay biglang nag open up sakin, na siya raw ay nag kaka gusto sakin, kung di niyoko kilala, ako ay isang taong hinde alam Kung paano ang gagawin ko pag may mga sitwasyong ganito. Hinde ko na lang pinansin at nanahimik na lamang ako. Sinabi ko Kay Aaron ang nangyari at tinulungan niya akong maka lipas sa problemang Ito. Ngayong pasukan, hinde ko na pinapansin si Jamal II, sapagkat ako'y nakakaramdam ng Sama Ng loob dahil nararamdaman ko na ako ay pinipilit nuong panahong iyon na magustuhan si Jamal II. 3rd week pa lng Ng aming klase, at hanggang ngayong araw hinde ko na muli kinausap si ****, itutuloy ko iyong storya na Ito hanggat sa graduation Ng junior high school. Dito ninyo malalaman lahat Ng aking pinag dadaanan SA buhay, kung pighati ba, pag mamahal, pag kakaroon Ng sama ng loob, isyu, at iba pa. Aking babasahin lahat ng Ito pag dumating na ang tamang ora's at yon lamang sa araw na ito madaming kuwento pa ang aking ibabahagi sa inyong lahat, paalam. Akoy nag babalik ulit mga kababayan ngayon may bago akong kwento, so noong sept 23 sabado biglang nag pop up Yong acc ni Arianne sa fb tapos na curious ako Kung bat nag pop up and chineck ko tapos pag Ka check ko, WTFFFFFF di na ako naka block?????£??'? Nagulat ako Ng sobra pero hinde masaya kasi sa Wednesday eh 1 year na Yong block tapos Di pa pinaabot nagalit ako ng onti that time and parang na weirdan ako dahil bakit suddenly wala na Yong block? Pero Di ko na inalam and di ko na Lng pinansin and may na alala ako habang patulog ako na biglang gumising sakin Ng sobra. Kasi noon guys nong sa alt acc niya ako nag cha-chat may na mention siya na may nag send daw Ng proofs Ng something Kaya siya na creepyhan sakin, and yon ang curious na curious ako gusto kong alamin nang sobra Kung sino yong taong yon kung totoo man sinasabi niya at yon lamang mga kababayan paalam muli pero bago tayo mag tapos para sa isang parte ng kwento na ito may gusto akong sabihin sainyo huwag kayong umaasa pag wala na talagang pag asa di ko sinasabing gusto ko si **** pero mung mangyari man sainyo ito soon wag niyo akong gagayahin dahil masisira ang buhay niyo. Tulad Ng sinabi ni Duterte "huwag mong subukan, masisira ang buhay mo". Hello mga kababayan parehas parin na araw and may nagawa akong katarantaduhan, so mag lalaro dapat kami ni emman Ng valorant at sa maling acc ko na send, hulaan niyo Kung sino, sino pa ba kung di Kay ******* tapos ang nangyari nag react siya ng laugh sa message ☠️☠️☠️ at yon ang nangyari shocking hahahaa yon lng para sa araw na ito kababayan paalam muli saludo sainyo. Magandang Gabi mga kababayan andito muli ako para may sabihin sainyo so chineck ko Yong convo namin ni Arianne kanina dahil noon nag reply siya na Mali daw react niya tapos ginawa ko eh like sinend ko tapos sinend ko Kay franz tinanong ko siya, ano Kaya mangyayari?, tapos Sabi niya possible block ulit then yon nga naka block ulit ako hahhaha Kaka check ko kanina hahahaha, yon lamang para sa gabing Ito paalam mga kababayan. What is up mga kababyan wala pa akong kwento para sa ngayon dahil naubos na ang interesting na storya na nangyari sa buhay ko, ngunit may gusto akong sabihin. Balak kong gumawa ng panibagong mga storya na nilalaman ng mga andito ren na storya ngunit ang mga maikling storya na aking gagawin ay may mga detalye na dagdag na wala dito sa aking "Best selling Novel" HQAHAHAHAHAHA at pag natapos ko na ang itong "Best selling Novel" ay ako ay gagawa ng panigabo muling kuwento at andito ang buong kwento ng aking buhay kung paano nga ba nag simula ang aking buhay simula pagkabata hanggang grade 10 gagawin ko ang storya na iyon pag nag graduate na ako at bakasyon na. Balik tayo sa mga maikling kwento na may padagdag na detalye para sa mga kwento na andito. ang mga title na aking balak ilagay ay 8:37, M.U as magulong ugnayan, martilyo, pananalikod. at madami pang iba, pangako ko sainyo mga kababayan na hinde ako mag tatapos ng aking "Best selling Novel" sapagkat ito na rin ang daan ko upang ma ilabas ko ang aking nararamdaman sa mga bagay na hinde ko sinasabi sa iba na ako man ay, nasasaktan, kinikilig, kinagagalitan, kinaiinisan, at iba pa. ngunit since gr. 5 pa ako last nagalit sapagkat ako ay nagbago nuong nag quarantine. Ito na lamang muna para sa gabing ito paalam muli mga kababayan at ako ay mag hahanda na muna para sa ibang mga storya na aking isusulat Paalam :))))). Ako'y nag babalik mga idol parehas parin na gabi at ngayon gabi ay gusto ko lng masabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Wala pong confession dito dahil wala naman po akong crus,h almost 1 year na po akong walang crush, pero ang timeline po ng crush mo eh biglaan na lang po ako nag kaka crush sa isang babae randomly at mostly after a few years every time ako nag kaka crus. Mga anim pa lng crush ko buong buhay ko at ni isa doon di ako nag confess dahil ako yong tipong may crush pero ayaw ma crush back dahil ayoko ng relationship, since bata pa ako at hinde ko pa alam ang sarili ko pag dating sa relasyon at mga nararamdaman ko sa mga nagugustuhan ko as a crush.... pero sa ngayon ang aking hinala eh mga senior high or collage na uli ako mag kaka crush dahil wala na akong feelings na mag ka crush ulit sa ibang tao, btw may ikuwento pa ako sainyo guys, si ******* pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga kong minahal, like as in, sa lahat ng naging crush ko siya pa lamang ang nakaramdan talaga ako ng pag mamahal papunta sakanya siya pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga akong nag ka feelings at hinde lamang dahil nagandahan ako, well sa tingin ko nangyari ito since matured na ako ngayon di tulad dati, at mas na iintindhan ko na ang relasyon since ako ay isang teenager na. grabe guys itong gabi na ito andami kong nasulat dahil pag dating talaga sa feelings ko eh hinde ko na napipigilan sarili ko mag salita kapag kinakausap ko sarili ko pag dating sa mga pag kakamali ko sa buhay..... marami akong pag kakamali, pero wala na tayong magagawa doon dahil lahat ng nangyari ay may dahilan at sa huli mo malalaman.
submitted by taknangmgayawa to Storyako [link] [comments]
Ako ang gumawa ng kuwento na Ito at ngayon ay grade 7 pa lamang ako huwala ako masyadong kilala SA aking mga kaklase at wala akong kaibigan subalit noong sinubukan ko uli mag roblox nakilala ko ang pinaka kaibigan ko SA roblox at yon ay si jam(Di ko na ilalagay user for privacy reason) siya ay aking isang kaibigan SA online game na Roblox Kami ay nag lalaro halos araw araw ng pet simulator X at Kami ay laging sinusubukan lumakas sa laro na yon hanggang na kamit na namin ang aming pangarap na maging mayaman at malakas sa laro na iyon. Subalit ang lahat na iyon ay huminto nuong lumakas na Kami hindi na Kami masyadong nag lalaro dahil para samin ay tapos na ang aming pangarap at nag simulang mag labo, na kaming dalawa ay mag laro at dumating sa puntong hinde ako nag Roblox Ng matagal dahil aa online class iniwan ko muna ang online games para mag aral Ng mabuti at nuong natapos na ang 2nd quarter bumalik ako sa roblox at nakita ko siyang nag lalaro kaya sumali ako pag ka join ko agad siyang nag chat Kung bakit hinde ako nag laro ng matagal, sinabi ko sakanya ang lahat, naintindihan Naman niya at nag laro Kami Ng matagal. Ngayon punta Naman tayo SA ora's na ikinasaya at ikinasira Ng buhay ko, nuong half 3rd quarter na ang aming akademya sinubukan Kong mag seen sa aming online gc na hinde ako nag chachat, at first time ko mag chat nag hi ako tapos may mga bumati saakin don ko rin nakilala si Cedi ang aking naging unang kaibigan. Dahil ako ay may depression nuon at wala akong confidence na makipag usap kahit kanino sa aking kamagag aral. Nag bago ang aking buhay nuong sinubukan ko makipag socialize sa aking mga kaklase at duon sumaya ang aking buhay nakilala ko sina Cedi,Mark, Lawrence,Aaron. naging kaibigan ko sila, Sila ang dahilan ng pagkasaya ng aking buhay subalit ang iba ay nagdulot Ng pagkasira Ng aking buhay. Ngayon punta Naman na Tayo SA recognition day dahil wala Naman importanteng nangyari SA ibang quarter na iyon, nuong pag punta namin SA recognition day nakita ko ang aking mga kaklase at may nakita akong isang magandang babae siya ay Maputi,tahimik,maganda,at siya ay napaka tahimik akala ko nuon siya ay high standards. After ng recognition pag Ka uwi chinat ko agad si Jarsen, aking kaibigan noon. Dahil alam kong siya ang maaring makakakilala sakanya at nuong Una tinanong ko sakanya Kung sino Yong Maputing naka salamin na tahimik na babae at duon ko na nalaman na ang pangalan niya ay ******* nag Ka gusto ako sakanya nuong after Ng recognition day, at lipat naman tayo sa sept 23 7:08pm nag chat ako sakanya dahil nabuo ko na ang aking confidence at nag chat back siya, ayon nag chat kami araw araw Kami nag chachat at sinabi ko kay Sha na crush ko siya at hinde ko akalain na nuong sept 27 ni block ako ni ****, at ako ay halos laging nag papa send Kay Aaron ng mga message tulad Ng Kung ano ang dahilan Ng pag block, pag sorry ko maski wala akong kasalanan,at iba pa subalit, after ilang months ng pighati nalaman ko lang na pinagkalat pala ni Sasha na crush ko siya at nag sabi siya ng mga hinde totoong impormasyon about saakin at ang mga ibang tao ay nagbago ang pag tingin saakin dahil sa pangyayaring iyon. Inakala Ng ibang tao na, nasa gc Kung Saan kinalat ni Sha na ako ay racist,homophobic,etc. Ito ay nagbigay sakin nang masaklap na insecurities, depression, lost of confidence, etc. Ako ay nagalit ng sobra nuong araw na iyon at nag chat agad ako Kay Sha noong ona tinatanggi niya. Pero nag send ako Ng MGA proofs na kinalat niya at nuong una tinuring niyang as a joke yoong ginawa niya at wala siyang pake dahil hinde niya alam kung gaano kalaki maaapektohan ang aking buhay sa kaniyang ginawa ni block ko siya at ako ay laging nag ra-rant kila Aaron at Cedi about doon sa nangyari at tinutulungan naman nila ako. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang grade 8 subalit nuong December Kami ay nagusap uli ni **** at tumagal ito Ng mahigit tatlong buwan at muntik na kami naging magkaibigan sa personal dahil sinabi ko sakanya Kung pwede ako makipag usap sakanya sa personal sapagkat siya na lang ang aking kaklase na hinde ko pa nakakausap sa personal at siya naman ay sumang ayon na gawin ko ang itong plano ko subalit hinde ko magawa-gawa ito dahil pag sinusubukan ko na kausapin siya subalit bumabalik dila ko dahil hinde ko mabuo ang confidence na makipag usap sakanya, kaya sa chat na lamang ako nakikipag usap sakanya. Subalit nuong march 3 last ko na chat at hinde ako nag chat ng march 4 at march 5 sapagkat ito ay sabado linggo at mami ay lumabas. Nuong march 5 Ng Gabi nakita ko na unavailable na ang kayang account SA akin at ibig sabihin non ay ni block niya ako ule ako, ako ay nanahimik na lamang at hinde na ako umasa uli na ako ay I unblock or kausapin uli. Sinabi ko ito kay Aaron at siya ay nabigla ren dahil maayos naman ang aming pag kakaibigan at walang impormasyon Kung bakit ulit ako ni block. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang school year 2022-2023 at hanggang ngayon hinde ko na kinausap si ******* muli at ako ay hanggang ngayon walang confidence at balak na kausapin siya sapagkat nahihiya na ako sakanya dahil SA aking nakaraan malapit na ang recognition SA tingin niyo ba may part 2?? Sa tingin ko wala pero hinde natin malalaman ang ating kinabukasan kung hinde tayo pupunta dito. At Yan ang aking grade 8 life ako ay kasulukuyan na masaya dahil SA aking mga kaibigan at hanggang ngayon may poot parin ako kay ******* dahil sa nakaraan salamat sa iyo Kung umabot Ka dito ako ay lubos na masaya dahil na labas ko na ang aking mga nararamdaman salamat ule at paalam SA iyo kababayan. Magandang Gabi kababayan, ngayon ay ako ay nasa ika-9 na baitang na. Madaming nangyari bago matapos ang recognition Ng aming ika-8 na baitang. Bago matapos ang recognition, si Jamal II, ang dati Kong kaibigan ay biglang nag open up sakin, na siya raw ay nag kaka gusto sakin, kung di niyoko kilala, ako ay isang taong hinde alam Kung paano ang gagawin ko pag may mga sitwasyong ganito. Hinde ko na lang pinansin at nanahimik na lamang ako. Sinabi ko Kay Aaron ang nangyari at tinulungan niya akong maka lipas sa problemang Ito. Ngayong pasukan, hinde ko na pinapansin si Jamal II, sapagkat ako'y nakakaramdam ng Sama Ng loob dahil nararamdaman ko na ako ay pinipilit nuong panahong iyon na magustuhan si Jamal II. 3rd week pa lng Ng aming klase, at hanggang ngayong araw hinde ko na muli kinausap si ****, itutuloy ko iyong storya na Ito hanggat sa graduation Ng junior high school. Dito ninyo malalaman lahat Ng aking pinag dadaanan SA buhay, kung pighati ba, pag mamahal, pag kakaroon Ng sama ng loob, isyu, at iba pa. Aking babasahin lahat ng Ito pag dumating na ang tamang ora's at yon lamang sa araw na ito madaming kuwento pa ang aking ibabahagi sa inyong lahat, paalam. Akoy nag babalik ulit mga kababayan ngayon may bago akong kwento, so noong sept 23 sabado biglang nag pop up Yong acc ni Arianne sa fb tapos na curious ako Kung bat nag pop up and chineck ko tapos pag Ka check ko, WTFFFFFF di na ako naka block?????£??'? Nagulat ako Ng sobra pero hinde masaya kasi sa Wednesday eh 1 year na Yong block tapos Di pa pinaabot nagalit ako ng onti that time and parang na weirdan ako dahil bakit suddenly wala na Yong block? Pero Di ko na inalam and di ko na Lng pinansin and may na alala ako habang patulog ako na biglang gumising sakin Ng sobra. Kasi noon guys nong sa alt acc niya ako nag cha-chat may na mention siya na may nag send daw Ng proofs Ng something Kaya siya na creepyhan sakin, and yon ang curious na curious ako gusto kong alamin nang sobra Kung sino yong taong yon kung totoo man sinasabi niya at yon lamang mga kababayan paalam muli pero bago tayo mag tapos para sa isang parte ng kwento na ito may gusto akong sabihin sainyo huwag kayong umaasa pag wala na talagang pag asa di ko sinasabing gusto ko si **** pero mung mangyari man sainyo ito soon wag niyo akong gagayahin dahil masisira ang buhay niyo. Tulad Ng sinabi ni Duterte "huwag mong subukan, masisira ang buhay mo". Hello mga kababayan parehas parin na araw and may nagawa akong katarantaduhan, so mag lalaro dapat kami ni emman Ng valorant at sa maling acc ko na send, hulaan niyo Kung sino, sino pa ba kung di Kay ******* tapos ang nangyari nag react siya ng laugh sa message ☠️☠️☠️ at yon ang nangyari shocking hahahaa yon lng para sa araw na ito kababayan paalam muli saludo sainyo. Magandang Gabi mga kababayan andito muli ako para may sabihin sainyo so chineck ko Yong convo namin ni Arianne kanina dahil noon nag reply siya na Mali daw react niya tapos ginawa ko eh like sinend ko tapos sinend ko Kay franz tinanong ko siya, ano Kaya mangyayari?, tapos Sabi niya possible block ulit then yon nga naka block ulit ako hahhaha Kaka check ko kanina hahahaha, yon lamang para sa gabing Ito paalam mga kababayan. What is up mga kababyan wala pa akong kwento para sa ngayon dahil naubos na ang interesting na storya na nangyari sa buhay ko, ngunit may gusto akong sabihin. Balak kong gumawa ng panibagong mga storya na nilalaman ng mga andito ren na storya ngunit ang mga maikling storya na aking gagawin ay may mga detalye na dagdag na wala dito sa aking "Best selling Novel" HQAHAHAHAHAHA at pag natapos ko na ang itong "Best selling Novel" ay ako ay gagawa ng panigabo muling kuwento at andito ang buong kwento ng aking buhay kung paano nga ba nag simula ang aking buhay simula pagkabata hanggang grade 10 gagawin ko ang storya na iyon pag nag graduate na ako at bakasyon na. Balik tayo sa mga maikling kwento na may padagdag na detalye para sa mga kwento na andito. ang mga title na aking balak ilagay ay 8:37, M.U as magulong ugnayan, martilyo, pananalikod. at madami pang iba, pangako ko sainyo mga kababayan na hinde ako mag tatapos ng aking "Best selling Novel" sapagkat ito na rin ang daan ko upang ma ilabas ko ang aking nararamdaman sa mga bagay na hinde ko sinasabi sa iba na ako man ay, nasasaktan, kinikilig, kinagagalitan, kinaiinisan, at iba pa. ngunit since gr. 5 pa ako last nagalit sapagkat ako ay nagbago nuong nag quarantine. Ito na lamang muna para sa gabing ito paalam muli mga kababayan at ako ay mag hahanda na muna para sa ibang mga storya na aking isusulat Paalam :))))). Ako'y nag babalik mga idol parehas parin na gabi at ngayon gabi ay gusto ko lng masabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Wala pong confession dito dahil wala naman po akong crus,h almost 1 year na po akong walang crush, pero ang timeline po ng crush mo eh biglaan na lang po ako nag kaka crush sa isang babae randomly at mostly after a few years every time ako nag kaka crus. Mga anim pa lng crush ko buong buhay ko at ni isa doon di ako nag confess dahil ako yong tipong may crush pero ayaw ma crush back dahil ayoko ng relationship, since bata pa ako at hinde ko pa alam ang sarili ko pag dating sa relasyon at mga nararamdaman ko sa mga nagugustuhan ko as a crush.... pero sa ngayon ang aking hinala eh mga senior high or collage na uli ako mag kaka crush dahil wala na akong feelings na mag ka crush ulit sa ibang tao, btw may ikuwento pa ako sainyo guys, si ******* pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga kong minahal, like as in, sa lahat ng naging crush ko siya pa lamang ang nakaramdan talaga ako ng pag mamahal papunta sakanya siya pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga akong nag ka feelings at hinde lamang dahil nagandahan ako, well sa tingin ko nangyari ito since matured na ako ngayon di tulad dati, at mas na iintindhan ko na ang relasyon since ako ay isang teenager na. grabe guys itong gabi na ito andami kong nasulat dahil pag dating talaga sa feelings ko eh hinde ko na napipigilan sarili ko mag salita kapag kinakausap ko sarili ko pag dating sa mga pag kakamali ko sa buhay..... marami akong pag kakamali, pero wala na tayong magagawa doon dahil lahat ng nangyari ay may dahilan at sa huli mo malalaman.
2024.05.26 03:55 Operabug Will sealing the attic help significantly reduce odors from my neighbors?
I posted several weeks ago about how I moved into a townhouse and can smell odors from my neighbors (on both sides) which includes , cooking, drier fragrances, and occasionally cigarette smoke among other things. I got a consult (the company primarily does energy evaluations but also odor assessment as well). He suggested I seal my attic, which requires the removal of all the loose insulation, cost of disposal, and new (loose cellulose) insulation among other recommendations for my HVAC vents. I live in a high cost-of-living area and the total for the attic alone is just under $3000. The sealing, itself, only costs around $450 (which includes a new scuttle cover) , but because of the insulation removal and new blown cellulose batting, that's what jacks up the cost. From my understanding, my insulation isn't that old (but I was told when I bought the place that other things weren't old and they were, so I'm not so certain about that), so I asked if they could work around it and they didn't recommend it and told me they wouldn't be able to do a proper seal.
1. Will sealing the attic help SIGNIFICANTLY reduce neighbor's odors? and 2. Is it true that all the insulation must be removed for them to properly seal it?
I do not have a lot of money right now, especially since I just bought my first home and I would have to dip further into my savings to do this. I would be more than furious if I put all this money in and it didn't solve the problem at all or only slightly reduced the problem. Everything I've researched online tells me to seal any cracks in the walls, outlets, etc. and sometimes mentions the attic.
If it matters, they also recommended things like sealing all the air ducts, which I don't think will help much, and getting a VERY expensive air purifier which brings the total up to $8000. I'm not going to do those other things, but I added them here to see if any experts here think this company is trying to take me for a ride, or if this is really legit and sealing my attic will greatly reduce the negative air pressure that's sucking in my neighbors' odors.
submitted by Operabug to HomeImprovement [link] [comments]
1. Will sealing the attic help SIGNIFICANTLY reduce neighbor's odors? and 2. Is it true that all the insulation must be removed for them to properly seal it?
I do not have a lot of money right now, especially since I just bought my first home and I would have to dip further into my savings to do this. I would be more than furious if I put all this money in and it didn't solve the problem at all or only slightly reduced the problem. Everything I've researched online tells me to seal any cracks in the walls, outlets, etc. and sometimes mentions the attic.
If it matters, they also recommended things like sealing all the air ducts, which I don't think will help much, and getting a VERY expensive air purifier which brings the total up to $8000. I'm not going to do those other things, but I added them here to see if any experts here think this company is trying to take me for a ride, or if this is really legit and sealing my attic will greatly reduce the negative air pressure that's sucking in my neighbors' odors.
2024.05.26 03:09 Psydequest 3 years and I still want to go home. Despite it all. Wtf??
So I've been as active here lately as I ever have been anywhere online. I've told my story a dozen ways dozens of times in posts and responses asking for clarity, offering support. I've even had some very significant breakthrough days where it all felt clear and easy and the weight lifted.. But then I go home and go to bed and dream and the minute I wake up reality hits me like an anvil dropped right into my gut. My home is gone. My friend is gone. The family I didn't even dare dream of being lucky enough to find doesn't exist anymore. It's been 3 years (just shy). I'm trying to date again but really it's too soon. I'm looking for proof that I can feel something with someone else is what I'm doing, because it feels like the woman I had was everything I ever wanted, physically, mentally, humor, sex it was all very literally my fantasy come to life, a fantasy that existed before I met her and that she fit perfectly. Now I know she wasn't exactly who I thought she was and the things she did to me were really fucked up. I think she started dating me to make someone else jealous and then slept with him behind my back to bond with him over betraying me but eventually she grew out of that and we were married and had a kid but she always denied it despite it being pretty obvious and little bits of evidence appearing over the years. I left because that knowledge ate away at me like a cancer that she refused to work through. I absolutely would have stayed had she been willing to meet me half way and put my feelings before her own, and his (which is what really crushed me). This was something she refused to do. But it had been years since all that and our lives were completely different. We were different and where we were and who were were was pretty great. And I still miss it all. I miss her. I miss our home. I miss her family. I miss all the trips home and vacations etc. What makes it harder is that her family was wealthy wealthy so we were always going to stay in some gigantic $18 million dollar home somewhere or being flown to their place in the Bahamas and now we have this amazing little 3 year old girl which we could be doing all of this with who now had to visit me separately in squalor while mommy and the boyfriend have become the family we should have been. She chose to replace me instead of help me. The fantasy is clearly not the reality and yet I miss it so much. Which is not uncommon. The issue I'm having is despite the recognition that she was never the good person I believed her to be who never truly cared about me as much as I thought she did and that even given the opportunity there is no way to ever go back. It would never work. I KNOW all of this. Yet I am sad every single day thinking of the life I lost, romanticizing it and I miss her. I miss my family. It's been far too long to be holding on this tight to what I recognize is not real. I think maybe it's because her life was made and left 10x better by all the work we did on her business and life and home within our marriage while mine is 100x worse as I traded everything in to make our life together better and her being an attorney she made she had protections on everything so in a divorce I wouldn't get anything of it (and I also didn't ask. I actually believed I didn't have the right since it was me that left. I still saw her as someone I loved and wanted to take care of and protect even on my way out.) So maybe the fact that I have to stay with and care for a sick parent in a shitty little house having lost my own house, jeep, boat, bike, everything while she lives in the other house we built together after selling mine, making $250k a year with the law firm I helped her build and being supported by her ultra wealthy dad. The only real family I had was her family. She has them too. My father in law was probably my best friend. My brother in law was very important to me. It's all gone. Someone else has it. I have nothing. I'm slowly trying to claw my way back into a house. Im a disabled Vet so I might be able to get another VA loan and do it but I bought my house in 2015 for $140k. It's now worth almost $350k. That's fucking insane. It's a nice house on a double lot with a huge covered lanai and a pool on a canal in a great neighborhood in Port Charlotte FL. She made me sell it because she didn't want me to have the option of staying there, she said if your serious you'll get rid of it and we will live in my house (that her dad bought her). I used the money from the sale on our honeymoon. I handed her a big bag of cash to pay down her student loans and spent like $17k on a month long vacation and cruise around central America. And I wanted to. I gave everything I had to that marriage, gladly. My time, energy, money, anything I had I have freely and gladly. And she took it. And now I have nothing.
And yet I miss her and want to go home to her? I guess not really but the fantasying that is still very real and haunts me day after day. THREE YEARS LATER. That's the problem. Will this fantasy and longing and depression ever abate? Can I ever see her and not want to touch her or call her babe and get in the car and drive us off into the sunset? I know it's not real. I know it would and could never go down like that and yet... I dream it.
Am I completely fucking broken? This is waaay too long for this shit right? I'm not an idiot. I'm just a sensitive and sentimental Disabled Army Ranger combat Vet with PTSD and I think I have more PTSD from this relationship than I do from combat. Which makes sense because for a long time when I got home I longed to go back overseas even though I didn't actually want to. I missed it and fantasized about that too. Idk. Anyone else have anything like this at all? Or heard of shit taking so long to process? What do I do? I feel like talking about it is just me talking in circles. I feel better for a minute and then I go to sleep only to wake up to that same fucking anvil in the gut.
submitted by Psydequest to Divorce_Men [link] [comments]
And yet I miss her and want to go home to her? I guess not really but the fantasying that is still very real and haunts me day after day. THREE YEARS LATER. That's the problem. Will this fantasy and longing and depression ever abate? Can I ever see her and not want to touch her or call her babe and get in the car and drive us off into the sunset? I know it's not real. I know it would and could never go down like that and yet... I dream it.
Am I completely fucking broken? This is waaay too long for this shit right? I'm not an idiot. I'm just a sensitive and sentimental Disabled Army Ranger combat Vet with PTSD and I think I have more PTSD from this relationship than I do from combat. Which makes sense because for a long time when I got home I longed to go back overseas even though I didn't actually want to. I missed it and fantasized about that too. Idk. Anyone else have anything like this at all? Or heard of shit taking so long to process? What do I do? I feel like talking about it is just me talking in circles. I feel better for a minute and then I go to sleep only to wake up to that same fucking anvil in the gut.
2024.05.26 03:01 NineInchRadioTool2 i will not answer 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 66, 67, i have no idea what 69 means, 70, i don't know what 71 means, 72, 75, 76, 77, 100, 101, 102, i don't know what 106 means, 107, 108, 109, 110, 121, 135, 143, 144, 146
 | submitted by NineInchRadioTool2 to TeenagersButInsanity [link] [comments] |
2024.05.26 03:00 NineInchRadioTool2 i will not answer 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 66, 67, i have no idea what 69 means, 70, i don't know what 71 means, 72, 75, 76, 77, 100, 101, 102, i don't know what 106 means, 107, 108, 109, 110, 121, 135, 143, 144, 146
| | submitted by NineInchRadioTool2 to MyGroupChatLol [link] [comments] |
2024.05.26 02:10 Educational-Let-1027 I need some guy advice
Three years ago, I befriended “Eddie” on vacation. I liked him, and he liked me. He confided in the wrong people about his crush on me, and I found out. However, Eddie actually had a girlfriend, and cut contact with me. He was friends with mostly everyone else on social media except me. I never really got any closure or resolution around this situation. Eddie and I never spoke after the trip. So for years, I’ve always wondered about how he really felt about me.
Eddie and his girlfriend broke up two months later, but he never tried contacting me. I kind of suspected that he looked at my TikTok videos, but I also know that for months after, he wasn’t over his ex. This situation happened during the height of the pandemic, so while I knew it would be best to move on, I couldn’t. If this situation happened at any other time, I likely would’ve forgotten Eddie within a couple of weeks or months. But classes were online. I couldn’t meet anyone. For a good year, I had feelings for Eddie, but again, nothing ever came of it.
This past summer, I was heartbroken over another failed crush. I was just going through a lot in general, and I spent most of my days high on drugs. I posted TikTok videos about heartbreak and depression. Sometimes I’d post five TikToks in a night. Sometimes, I’d reupload these videos. I don’t know why. I guess I was bored. And while I still wondered about Eddie, I didn’t think he ever looked my social media.
Little did I know, Eddie saw me posting these videos online, and contacted our friends. He asked them to see if I was posting anything else on my Instagram, which is private. Nothing’s happened since then, but I’m wondering why Eddie cares. I don’t think Eddie is this evil sociopath or anything, but it’s not like he showed me any care or consideration back then when he actually hurt me. So why? Is this some misguided way of absolving himself of guilt?
submitted by Educational-Let-1027 to introvert [link] [comments]
Eddie and his girlfriend broke up two months later, but he never tried contacting me. I kind of suspected that he looked at my TikTok videos, but I also know that for months after, he wasn’t over his ex. This situation happened during the height of the pandemic, so while I knew it would be best to move on, I couldn’t. If this situation happened at any other time, I likely would’ve forgotten Eddie within a couple of weeks or months. But classes were online. I couldn’t meet anyone. For a good year, I had feelings for Eddie, but again, nothing ever came of it.
This past summer, I was heartbroken over another failed crush. I was just going through a lot in general, and I spent most of my days high on drugs. I posted TikTok videos about heartbreak and depression. Sometimes I’d post five TikToks in a night. Sometimes, I’d reupload these videos. I don’t know why. I guess I was bored. And while I still wondered about Eddie, I didn’t think he ever looked my social media.
Little did I know, Eddie saw me posting these videos online, and contacted our friends. He asked them to see if I was posting anything else on my Instagram, which is private. Nothing’s happened since then, but I’m wondering why Eddie cares. I don’t think Eddie is this evil sociopath or anything, but it’s not like he showed me any care or consideration back then when he actually hurt me. So why? Is this some misguided way of absolving himself of guilt?
2024.05.26 01:55 Confident-Star-6841 I have a platonic crush..
I have a platonic crush on someone. Fine. That’s normal. I’ve had one before, and I would be okay if I just told them. They know about platonic crushes, have had them before, and are also aromantic.
The issue is they’re an online friend. We’ve called before, sent pictures, videos, everything. I just worry with online friends they’ll be uncomfortable knowing how I feel about them. They know in my whole life I’ve only had one other platonic crush.
Idk, do I tell them? Do I just leave it alone?
submitted by Confident-Star-6841 to aromantic [link] [comments]
The issue is they’re an online friend. We’ve called before, sent pictures, videos, everything. I just worry with online friends they’ll be uncomfortable knowing how I feel about them. They know in my whole life I’ve only had one other platonic crush.
Idk, do I tell them? Do I just leave it alone?
2024.05.26 01:55 Innoxious- Help (tw: sh)
 | [After writing this I noticed the length, sorry for the long read, this is clearly overdue. I really appreciate any of you taking the time out of your day to concern yourselves with my problems.] submitted by Innoxious- to sillyboyclub [link] [comments] An amalgamation of problems has lead to aggressive, constant, and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I can only really sleep if I take melatonin and/or cut. To start, internalized homophobia constantly ruins me. I feel as though I hold no biases towards anyone else, just against myself. I love the idea of cross dressing and I gain a significant amount of happiness anytime I feel I can validate femininity in myself. Unfortunately, progression only lifts my mood temporarily and I hate having to hide it. Shaving my entire body provided me with a feeling of happiness I don't even know how to describe. I also struggle with whether or not I am trans, I am constantly invalidating and overthinking my feelings. I have a few fears with respect to me being trans. Very common with a lot of people, I live with a person who is transphobic. I am scared of painting my nails, wearing jewelry, I even dress very neutral because I am horrified of any comments/bigotry. I still hold biases against myself, I am 20 and just finally admitted to myself that I am pansexual, so the jump to admitting I may be trans adds to my constant fear. A fear of judgment is not exclusive to my physical representation. However much I may lurk (which I have here for a while), I try not interact with online spaces much at all (Frankly, the only reason I am posting here now is pure desperation. I am so suicidal and I have been living with constant mental anguish for almost 8 months now). Continuing on, I constantly stress about whatever combination of words others may come up with to say in response to something I post. It is no real mystery as to why, growing up most everyone around me constantly criticized my every action. I in real life remain docile, I have no voice for myself and avoid confrontation entirely. This may feed into the idea that I don't want to admit anything to my friends and concern myself with being a burden. I also don't want any of them to worry about me. My physical representation also destroys me, whether it be my masculine traits, my weight, or my general looks it all hurts me. I intentionally don't eat for days at a time, I only do eat to hide the fact that I restrict my eating. I haven't binged ate anything in 8 or 9 months. I have lost 80 lbs going from mildly obese to almost "healthy weight" and I perceive no change in my physical appearance. I hate what body hair I do have and hate having to shave all the time. I try my best so space my cutting. I would be covered in lacerations from head to toe if I had no self-control. Fortunately, I genuinely do not think I am addicted to the feeling. I do wanna add, I love the people here. It's nice to read about others to whom I relate to, not something that was really the case for me ever. It makes me really happy to see others uplifting one another. Lastly, and more broadly (partly because I don't want to accidentally reveal who I may be), I guess I struggle with things other people my age probably struggle with. Imposter syndrome has been a reoccurring problem for a long time. I came out of high school being one class short of an associates in mathematics. I took 8+ college classes, did ap's and all of that purely out of my own volition. However, I couldn't feel less able to do anything. I feel I have no aptitude for anything, even in my hobbies. I "represent" top 0.whatever% but I always downplay my ability and convince myself I will do poorly with anything no matter how much I may "prove" otherwise. Initially graduating I was crushed I did not get into any schools I desired, but I now think I likely would feel the same even if I did. Due to several life factors, I am not in school right now, and worry that life is fleeting me as I see others in my personal life progressing through college. Trying to stay silly <3 |
2024.05.26 01:40 ilyssalevy TIFU or actually 14 years ago I f'ed up
How I met my abusive (ex) boyfriend
I "dated" a pedophile. It started when I was 13 and he was 17. When I was 13 I was interested in drawing, illustrating, making comics, digital art, the whole shebang really. I had a DeviantArt with cringy meme drawings and Lion King OC's judge me all you want I was a kid, I made Harry Potter fanfics I was 13. I made an account on a now deleted website called Art Spots. It was like Aggie.io or drawesome. You just drew online with random other people and there was a chatbox on the side and, in retrospect I think it was a furry website... Anyway, one day someone popped in and said they liked my drawing and they asked how old I was. I said I was 13, they said they were 17 and they thought my art was sooo good that I had to be an art teacher or smth. This may seem like a compliment and it is especially from someone older than me, and that's exactly what I was thinking but considering what would later happen this is called "grooming" which is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purpose of sexual abuse, explotation or trafficking. The predator gains the child's trust, breaks down their defenses and then convinces them to engage in their sick and disgusting desires. This guy shared his entire life story with me, he was graduating high school, had a crush on this girl who friendzoned him and he was severely depressed and all he wanted was a "friend" but, and this is important. He told me to never tell my parents about our "friendship" why you may ask? "Because they wouldn't understand us, we're like Romeo and Juliet, okay?" Which is what he said. So eventually we moved our conversation to AIM, then Skype and eventually texting, as time went on he demanded more and more of me and he never seemed to understand that I was 3 hours ahead of him. I lived in NC and he lived in CA so I couldn't exactly stay up late and chat to him every night. So he accused me of ignoring him and hating him and one night when I fell asleep I woke up to a barrage of text from him saying he would kill himself because I was ignoring him and after hours of calling and texting him saying I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again and he finally responded and, thankfully he was alright and okay. But I was not, at 13 I couldn't imagine being the reason someone killed themselves no matter how much stay up till 1, 2 or 3AM was destroying me but from that night on out of fear I stayed awake. By highschool our "friendship" completely took over my life because when I was with friends and family he'd do anything to make me abandon them to talk to him, he'd blow up my phone during dinner and if I didn't respond he'd call me awful things just to bait my into giving him attention. Heck even during prom night he tried convincing me to stay home and when I refused he went silent which worried me to death and he later explained he did this as punishment for "ignoring" him. He would do anything and everything to keep to isolated from friends and family. His favourite tactic was threatening suicide! Even if I logged off he had my home address so he could SWAT me. Death was something he constantly held over my head. That's terrifying for a high schooler. So why did I stay? Stockholm syndrome. So every time he threatened suicide I would talk him off the cliff by saying exactly what he wanted to hear. After months and years of saying exactly what he wanted to hear I started to believe it. Just like he wanted. I felt brainwashed, trapped in my own mindgames and slowly he broke me down, made me choose sides and do anything he wanted. Why did he wanted me so badly? Well, when I was 15 he used these tactics to take inappropriate pictures of me and save them in his computer in what he called his "Personal Collection" by this time, he had just turned 21. This is where our friendship turned into a relationship. Everday, after-school, during the summer even when I was at work he demanded I dropped whatever I was doing and send him no less than 30 nude photos of myself per day and when I said no (which I did) he'd find a way to force me. I remember one time I begged him for hours to leave me alone. I even told him this was considered CP and that he could be arrested. Now you think anyone who was confronted with this kind of information. They'd go "Oh man, I don't wanna go to jail" nope, not Haris. These pictures of me were so important he'd do anything to get them so he found a way to deny, deflect and blame me for everything. This is called gaslighting which is where the abuser denies reality and convinces the victim do doubt their own memory, perceptions and sanity. Like always Haris threatened suicide if I didn't go along with him. So when I tried to tell him what he's doing is wrong, disgusting and against the law I ended up being the one apologising to him. For making him cry! This went on until I graduated high school and went to college and remembered that girl who friend zoned him in high school? Around this time she reached out to me telling me to run and block him, to cut him off immediately because truly he harassed her in high school, stalked her in real life and when she blocked his phone number. Haris used a website to make up fake phone numbers so he could still contact and harass her. I didn't want to think this was true but then again if it happened to someone else maybe it was. So I brought these allegations up to Haris and he became so angry at me. He denied doing any of that despite the proof she presented. He accused me of lying, he told me to never speak her again and he demanded all of my password on social media to make sure of it. He also threatened to kill me and then himself if I didn't comply. Also I couldn't have said no because I was terrified, you don't know what it was like! You don't get to say "You could've just said no" to me and millions of other young children who are lured into this kind of evol every day! We don't need to be told what to do or how to feel because we've had enough of that from the awful people who hurt us. What we need is for someone to finally listen and believe us. People like Haris to not deserve the benefit of the doubt or your empathy. People like him thrive when others are complaisent the more we turn the other cheek and say "that's none of my business" or even worse, blame the child for the evil they had to bear and the childhood they had to sacrifice. The more this happens, the more that people like Haris get away with it and do it again. This is why I'm telling you this story years after it happened. I want to warn others, especially those watching who are as young as I was! Sadly this story is only the tip of the iceberg.
TL;DR: When I was 13 a 17 year old called Haris complimented my art (which was actually grooming) and when I was 15 it escalated to me sending 50+ nude photos. The reason I didn't tell anyone was because I developed Stockholm Syndrome. If I failed to obey his commands he'd threaten suicide and one day an ex of his warned me to block him everywhere but Haris gaslit me into almost giving him all my passwords to ensure I blocked the lady. I told this story to spread awareness of pedophillia. PS: He also stopped me from going to prom to chat with him.
submitted by ilyssalevy to tifu [link] [comments]
I "dated" a pedophile. It started when I was 13 and he was 17. When I was 13 I was interested in drawing, illustrating, making comics, digital art, the whole shebang really. I had a DeviantArt with cringy meme drawings and Lion King OC's judge me all you want I was a kid, I made Harry Potter fanfics I was 13. I made an account on a now deleted website called Art Spots. It was like Aggie.io or drawesome. You just drew online with random other people and there was a chatbox on the side and, in retrospect I think it was a furry website... Anyway, one day someone popped in and said they liked my drawing and they asked how old I was. I said I was 13, they said they were 17 and they thought my art was sooo good that I had to be an art teacher or smth. This may seem like a compliment and it is especially from someone older than me, and that's exactly what I was thinking but considering what would later happen this is called "grooming" which is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purpose of sexual abuse, explotation or trafficking. The predator gains the child's trust, breaks down their defenses and then convinces them to engage in their sick and disgusting desires. This guy shared his entire life story with me, he was graduating high school, had a crush on this girl who friendzoned him and he was severely depressed and all he wanted was a "friend" but, and this is important. He told me to never tell my parents about our "friendship" why you may ask? "Because they wouldn't understand us, we're like Romeo and Juliet, okay?" Which is what he said. So eventually we moved our conversation to AIM, then Skype and eventually texting, as time went on he demanded more and more of me and he never seemed to understand that I was 3 hours ahead of him. I lived in NC and he lived in CA so I couldn't exactly stay up late and chat to him every night. So he accused me of ignoring him and hating him and one night when I fell asleep I woke up to a barrage of text from him saying he would kill himself because I was ignoring him and after hours of calling and texting him saying I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again and he finally responded and, thankfully he was alright and okay. But I was not, at 13 I couldn't imagine being the reason someone killed themselves no matter how much stay up till 1, 2 or 3AM was destroying me but from that night on out of fear I stayed awake. By highschool our "friendship" completely took over my life because when I was with friends and family he'd do anything to make me abandon them to talk to him, he'd blow up my phone during dinner and if I didn't respond he'd call me awful things just to bait my into giving him attention. Heck even during prom night he tried convincing me to stay home and when I refused he went silent which worried me to death and he later explained he did this as punishment for "ignoring" him. He would do anything and everything to keep to isolated from friends and family. His favourite tactic was threatening suicide! Even if I logged off he had my home address so he could SWAT me. Death was something he constantly held over my head. That's terrifying for a high schooler. So why did I stay? Stockholm syndrome. So every time he threatened suicide I would talk him off the cliff by saying exactly what he wanted to hear. After months and years of saying exactly what he wanted to hear I started to believe it. Just like he wanted. I felt brainwashed, trapped in my own mindgames and slowly he broke me down, made me choose sides and do anything he wanted. Why did he wanted me so badly? Well, when I was 15 he used these tactics to take inappropriate pictures of me and save them in his computer in what he called his "Personal Collection" by this time, he had just turned 21. This is where our friendship turned into a relationship. Everday, after-school, during the summer even when I was at work he demanded I dropped whatever I was doing and send him no less than 30 nude photos of myself per day and when I said no (which I did) he'd find a way to force me. I remember one time I begged him for hours to leave me alone. I even told him this was considered CP and that he could be arrested. Now you think anyone who was confronted with this kind of information. They'd go "Oh man, I don't wanna go to jail" nope, not Haris. These pictures of me were so important he'd do anything to get them so he found a way to deny, deflect and blame me for everything. This is called gaslighting which is where the abuser denies reality and convinces the victim do doubt their own memory, perceptions and sanity. Like always Haris threatened suicide if I didn't go along with him. So when I tried to tell him what he's doing is wrong, disgusting and against the law I ended up being the one apologising to him. For making him cry! This went on until I graduated high school and went to college and remembered that girl who friend zoned him in high school? Around this time she reached out to me telling me to run and block him, to cut him off immediately because truly he harassed her in high school, stalked her in real life and when she blocked his phone number. Haris used a website to make up fake phone numbers so he could still contact and harass her. I didn't want to think this was true but then again if it happened to someone else maybe it was. So I brought these allegations up to Haris and he became so angry at me. He denied doing any of that despite the proof she presented. He accused me of lying, he told me to never speak her again and he demanded all of my password on social media to make sure of it. He also threatened to kill me and then himself if I didn't comply. Also I couldn't have said no because I was terrified, you don't know what it was like! You don't get to say "You could've just said no" to me and millions of other young children who are lured into this kind of evol every day! We don't need to be told what to do or how to feel because we've had enough of that from the awful people who hurt us. What we need is for someone to finally listen and believe us. People like Haris to not deserve the benefit of the doubt or your empathy. People like him thrive when others are complaisent the more we turn the other cheek and say "that's none of my business" or even worse, blame the child for the evil they had to bear and the childhood they had to sacrifice. The more this happens, the more that people like Haris get away with it and do it again. This is why I'm telling you this story years after it happened. I want to warn others, especially those watching who are as young as I was! Sadly this story is only the tip of the iceberg.
TL;DR: When I was 13 a 17 year old called Haris complimented my art (which was actually grooming) and when I was 15 it escalated to me sending 50+ nude photos. The reason I didn't tell anyone was because I developed Stockholm Syndrome. If I failed to obey his commands he'd threaten suicide and one day an ex of his warned me to block him everywhere but Haris gaslit me into almost giving him all my passwords to ensure I blocked the lady. I told this story to spread awareness of pedophillia. PS: He also stopped me from going to prom to chat with him.
2024.05.26 01:30 Scratchfangs Having homophobic christian parents...
It’s so hard tbh. I came out to one of my friends who’s a lesbian a couple weeks ago. Then my mom asked for my phone and the pin. A few minutes later, she stomped upstairs into my room and showed me the DM, asking why I was telling lies online to other people. I had to lie and say I only said that so she would hang out with me more, so there wouldn’t be any tension about me having a crush on her. Somehow, she believed me but she took my phone away and spanked me and said writing that I was gay online was immature! Like, I don’t get it! She tells me not to copy others and not to "be conformed to this world," but I literally have to "conform to this world" if I wanna seem straight to my parents! It’s a loophole because being gay is "conforming to this world" according to my religious parents! Even though being gay isn’t a choice and I didn’t wanna be gay at first, it just is what it is, and I accept myself. I don’t know what to do; I legit can’t reason with them at all, and they’re just stuck in their stupid views! She’s even started reading the Bible to me and my sister and making me watch a church livestream every Wednesday and Sunday!!
submitted by Scratchfangs to highschool [link] [comments]