Why cant you crush topamax

Hello everyone, this is probably going to be a long post (so thank you in advance if you read it all) and a post where some of you might think I'm nuts one way or tge other.
Guess we'll start of with a bit of an intro to me ans a bit of a backstory. I'm a 42yo male that has suffered from chronic migraines all my life. They have progressively gotten stronger and more frequent. To give you a round about level of pain factor. I have shattered my elbow, dislocated a shoulder, had a 12lbs piece of metal fall on and crush my nose. I would still rate all of those items an 7-8 on the old scale of 1 being nothing 10 being the worst pain ever meter. My migraines are still at number 10.
I get extremely nauseous, extreme photo,and audio sensitivity. My eyes loose all focus. Us all I can see are colored blobs. And vertigo that make a dizzy bat competition child's play. Even just the movement and sound of breathing is excruciating. When I have a pang of the pain it feels like someone is pulling my skull apart right at my temple and pouring electrified lava directly into the wound and into my brain.
I keep a basket of face rags and bottles of waterer to damoen and put on my face and forehead. A window air conditioner on my side of the bed blowing directly on my and a mixing bowl under my bed so if I go to puke in can just slide the bowl out do my thing and lay back down. ( see above vertigo and blurriness) They were so bad that 14yo me made a pact with myself that no matter how bad things got. How much they hurt. J would never commit suicide. That pact has saved me from myself so many times that I have lost count. I have however prayed for some one to be armed, break in, get startled, and do what crooks do so Well when they get startled and are armed. No takers yet.
Now flash forward to two years ago. I can't find work anywhere. So get the ball rolling on disability. When you have 15-20 of these a month. Who's gonna hire you. The guy that was overseeing my case sent me to the head of neurology at the local mercy hospital. Told me if he can't fix it. I'm disabled. Sound good right. Well I go and see him. It usually takes me the better part of a half of an hour to teach most doctors what they need to know. He knows every thing he needed to know in less than 15 min. It was friggin amazing!
He put me on one set of meds. Didn't do back squat for me. The he move me to my current set of meds. Amitriptyline and vorapamil! Oh baby did I notice them at once. the migraines were a lot fewer an farther in between. But I was so groggy that I literally had to will myself out of bed with every fiber of my being. Just concentrating long enough to oit sentences together was a massive chore. But those issues faded away after a couple of weeks. The ones that stayed with me are ones that aren't hugely detrimental to me. But they do change who I am as a person.
The main issue I have is only detrimental to males out there in the audience. "Little Roger" can't seem to get the elevator even halfway up. Its only a little frustratening for me. But it has really put a strain on my marage. My wife had our son at about The same time I started on these meds so for tge last year or so she thought that it was all her. I've tried several fetish ways involving rings to no avail. Can't take the blue pill. All three pills I take now react deadly with the blue pill.
The other issue I have. Is I don't take joy from anything anymore. I used do build models and work on cars as a hobby. I haven't touched either pretty much since I started on these all back then. Basically I'm not able to be me. I have no joys really anymore but I don't have any lows or anything like that either. I'm just here floating through life. Just existing. Not really living it.
And this is where my conundrum comes in. It's been an amazing blessing to be pain free for the last little over a year. But I want to be able to be with my wife and feel joy again. I was really going back and forth on this inner battle. Do I live without the pain and just never live? Or do I drop the meds go back to a life of agony and misery on a grand scale?
That was all last week. Then friday of last week my wife woke me up at three in the afternoon. I sat up in our bed and went to talk to her. I was slurring bad. Half my face wasn't working. I when to stand up and to get her. My whole right side was numb and was just barely able to be controlled. I got my wife and went to the hospital they ran a CT scan and an MRI on my head. They said they couldn't find anything up there at all. Lol . But long story short; I am one of the lucky, miniscule, infinitesimal people that get what is called a Hemiplegic migraine. Its a lovely migraine that so mimics a stroke that even neurologists can tell the difference right a way. What in the fifth circle of hell is this piece of psychotic dodo?
So now I have topamax added to the cocktail of drugs I'm on. And they have the same side effects as the other two. And it has the extra added bonus of possibly putting you into a coma for a couple' a days. So yay theres that now. Which makes it that much more difficult to say no to the meds, and go back to the life omg it hurts.
Thought? Comments? Questions? Concerns?
I'm just seeing what the group would suggest. What do you see that are pro's and con's. If you had to choose what would you choose? Why?
I really need help guys I'm really on the fence with this one.