Weed emoticon

Excuse me if saying X isn't customary, we're both nonbinary so obviously M or F doesn't fit. I'll also be using fake names! Anyway, on with the (long) story.
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My roommate, let's call them Aaron, and I first met last February while both trying to find someone to live with for the next semester. We're both in college, but they're a year above me. I should have known it would be a bad idea when they promised to set a meeting time in the next couple of days and then never did. I texted them almost two weeks after, saying "Hey, when is a good time for you :)" and they replied back almost instantly "Oops, I forgot to text you lol. We actually decided on someone else." It sucked, but I was trying to be understanding and to let it not affect me.
The next month, while I was still searching for other roommates and apartments, I get a text from them. "Hey, are you still interested in being our roommate" What happened was they chose someone over me because she knew a plug, but ended up being super "annoying". Later on they clarified to me that the annoying part was just her quoting tiktoks. So, naturally, I was their next best option despite not knowing a way for them to get discounted weed.
I met up with them and their other roommates: Cody (20M) and Julia (20F). We had dinner and it was fine, I ended up really hitting it off with Cody and now we're practically best friends. Julia and Aaron are actually best friends too, so it creates an interesting dynamic of what feels like "teams".
There were some bumps in the road with Aaron before that kind of signaled to me that they were inconsiderate. Nothing huge. They would plan to hang out with me and then cancel at the last second, told me the wrong amount of money to get on the bus with them so I had to rely on someone paying the rest, and mumble even though I told them I have slight hearing problems. I kind of let these things roll off my back at first because they aren't big deals. Then, over the summer, it started to click that Aaron's behavior towards people goes much deeper than inconsiderate.
Honestly, at this point, it's been so long (and after much worse things) that a lot of events of the summer are forgotten about. There are some notable things.
One is that Aaron and Julia told us that they were going to bring their own pots and pans. We don't have that big of a kitchen, so it was distressing for me. Cody and I decided to share everything, especially because we both don't have a lot of money. They both implied that they didn't want to share things because they each brought their own set of plates, cups, and utensils despite Cody and I bringing a bunch willing to share. We even had a whole checklist of items that were slowly being ticked away and I would, most of the time, say something along the lines of "Hey! I got us a whole set of spatulas!" whenever I got an item from that list. Well, come move in day, and I find out that a lot of the items I bought have duplicates that Aaron or Julia brought. I'm pretty sure Aaron is the one that made the checklist, so I'm confused what the point of it was if they didn't want to rely on the items others brought.
Another notable thing that I expressed to them over the summer, after finding out they were bringing their own plates, etc., that we wouldn't have enough room in our cupboards. It turned into kind of a heated debate on how to split up our things because Aaron, at first, tried to say we each get our own cupboard. I told them it wouldn't work out because Cody's pots and pans with their plates and cups wouldn't all fit together. Eventually Julia, who is the closest thing to a mediator of the apartment, advocated that we have cupboards for glasses, for plates, and for pots and pans. However, the topic of where to place our food came up. Aaron told Cody and I that we would be sharing a singular cupboard while Julia and them would be using the entire pantry (5 shelves). Obviously, this is unfair, but Aaron was adamant so we agreed at the time to not cause a fight. In the future, we would move in and take the bottom shelf without consulting everyone because our cupboard overflowed. Aaron confronted me "I thought the pantry was going to be me and Julia's" and I stood up for myself (for the first time probably) that one cupboard wasn't enough for two people. Aaron tsked and walked away.
The huge thing that caused a heated text debate was about Aaron's cats. They were bringing cats to the apartment despite Julia being severely allergic. Alongside this, Aaron wanted to have the kitty litter in the living room. Julia obviously wouldn't be able to be in the living room without a mask because of this and I had told everyone I have a gag reflex from bad smells. Aaron then tells us that the kitty litter would be in front of my room. Cody and I have never heard of kitty litter being out in the living room, especially with carpet, but Aaron insists they only know people who do that. I'm so confused because I have a cat, my best friend has 7, and I have a lot of friends with cats. Never once have I heard or seen anything about kitty litter in the living room. Regardless, Cody and I try to come up with compromises. I even suggest that Aaron puts the litter box in their room (they have the biggest room with the biggest bathroom), but they reply back that they wanted to close and lock the door while they were gone. In the future I'll come to find that they leave their door open some, when no one else does, while gone. Our compromise on the situation is no compromise: Aaron gets what they want because, from what I've seen, any boundary put down gets refuted. However, in the future, while Cody and I were on vacation together over Fall break, we came back to find out the cats were gone because Julia had to go to the ER for a bad allergic reaction. After that event it was confirmed Julia would be gone next semester.
Eventually we all move in and it gets even more tense.
It's a lot, and I don't think everyone wants to hear all the details, so I'll try to give a run down of the notable stuff. It's still a lot, sadly :(
Some background on me: I'm super sensitive to tone. I grew up with low self esteem that made me a "people pleaser" and worry about what others say/think about me. This is important.
The first week of moving in our carpets needed to be replaced, so we had to stack all our belongings in our bathrooms and the kitchen. Aaron and I both have mini fridges, so I got home late to them and Cody told me we were going to stack them on top of each other in the pantry. Me and Cody placed mine on top of Aaron's, but we found out the next week Aaron discovered 5 scratches on top of their fridge. They say their fridge was "new... or, at least, it was." and I asked "How did that happen with the blanket in between" Then an hour later Aaron calls us into a roommate meeting over it. Cody and I basically get chewed out because we didn't instantly apologize and Aaron makes sure to comment on how cheap Cody's blanket protection was. We apologize and then Aaron tells us they don't believe us because it was *after* They told us to apologize. They said they always apologize when things get destroyed, and this is when I chimed in. Earlier their cat ripped up my shower curtain and when I told them they laughed. Aaron replied something similar to "That's what I do! I laugh! But I know I apologized, I definitely did!" and went on about how their laugh didn't mean anything for awhile, very flustered. Honestly, that entire conversation was a blur in the moment because I was so confused where this came from. I'm pretty sure Aaron didn't apologize, and if they did it was done in a mumble (again, slight hearing problem). I found out later that messages after I sent my question didn't go through until after the meeting, and it turns out Aaron and Cody got into a tense conversation over if the blanket was ripped and how gentle we were placing the fridge down. Aaron wrote a paragraph that filled my entire screen, claiming that they never agreed to it (Cody says they actually said it was a good idea, and I can vouch they were there telling me the idea when I got home) and they said, in quotes, "no means no." I'm sure we all know how horribly placed that phrase is. This entire process made me sick to my stomach and I actually broke down crying in my room, just to give you some context on how badly I react to conflict and Aaron's affect on me.
After that, I met up with the apartment office about whether we can have someone mediate one of our meetings. They said it was possible, so this has been in my back pocket as a last resort.
Cody and I will come to find that we work best as a duo because we enjoy cooking, baking, decorating, and are both clean. We cook something at least 3 times an average week -- more than Aaron or Julia -- and we almost never leave our dishes out. I especially make a point to hand wash and dry my dishes either immediately after or before I go to bed. Julia and Aaron, on the other hand, do not make this a habit. We've had dishes grow moldy and hatch an army of gnats in our apartment from them being left there for weeks. It started piling up so badly to where it was impossible to wash my own dishes. Cody is more confrontational, so he's usually the one to tell everyone to clean their dishes. This sometimes works, but then the dishes pile up again. We told them we're good with sharing our stuff, but they use my things and don't even wash them either. Eventually we have a big texting conversation over this and it boiled down to a routine that worked for all of us. Aaron told us in this conversation, however, that they don't leave dishes out because they never eat in the apartment. I'm not going to police where they eat, but Cody and I have definitely found one of their cups in the sink with mold growing in it. We didn't fight on this though.
This next event is more me being petty than anything, but it sticks in my head. Aaron's cats were handfuls, to say the least. One of them is sweet, but likes to create holes on the bottom of the couches to crawl inside of. The other cat is insanely playful, though is too comfortable biting and scratching. That cat has bit me and drawn blood so many times. One time he was pestering me while I was organizing things on the coffee table and Aaron told me from the kitchen "If he's ever bothering you feel free to slap him, that's what I do." I don't remember if I said anything, but that comment was enough for me to just get up and go to my room. On the way I heard Julia say "I think people can water train their cats." to which Aaron replied "Yeaaah... but I heard that's abuse" I went into my room then, so maybe there's a part of that conversation missing. I want to think they weren't being serious. I water trained my cat and she never misbehaves like Aaron's. I don't know if its a cat personality thing or the fact they aren't being properly trained though.
Throughout the semester Cody and I started to notice that it felt like Aaron was targeting me. Cody has autism, and he says that makes him more blunt and unaware of shifts in tone. He told me Aaron has probably said things that were mean looking back at it, but it didn't provoke a reaction. He thinks this means Aaron didn't get any satisfaction out of picking on him, so he thinks they pick on me because I give a big reaction. This could be a stretch, however all my friends agree that I have never come across as intentionally rude.
On top of this, Cody is intentionally rude sometimes when things annoy him. I tend to text with emoticons and exclamation marks because I want to sound happy and expressive, so it's hard to understand how my messages could come across mean. I've had a problem with my word choice before, so some things I say come off blunt, but it's usually backed up with a "!!" or a ":)".
While Aaron does do quite a bit of arguing on our group chat to both of us, it seems like they always have some mean comment towards me whenever I talk on the groupchat. It got so bad that at one point I tried not to talk on the group chat and avoided Aaron in general. The group chat part didn't last long for obvious reasons, but I basically stay in my room whenever Aaron is out in the living room now. They make me extremely stressed out to the point where I hate texting anything because I know whatever I say will be picked apart. I often ask Cody to relay messages for me, but he sometimes doesn't have the energy.
In person, Aaron has even done the same. An early example: I told everyone I live in Washington (I go to college out of state) and Aaron said "Oh, my family went there, but it was so expensive. So then, you're rich, right" I told them no, I'm not. They went on to say probably something about how their family didn't want to spend money there, but they asked me again immediately after "So you're rich" They had a smile on their face, like they thought they were calling me out. I had to actually stumble out an explanation of my financial situation because they wouldn't let me just say "no". The whole interaction was uncomfortable for Cody as an onlooker as well, so I know I'm not being sensitive. For anyone reading this wondering the same thing though: no, not everyone in one state has the same financial standing.
The funny thing is: Aaron is richer than me. They told me they get money from their doctor brother and even got a free car from him. They bought a TV for the living room to replace the apartment provided one because they "didn't like the color". They buy fast food more than me, which isn't a huge indication of wealth, but I can barely afford groceries. They also buy a lot of weed. They turned the heat up to 76-78 in our apartment because they "rather spend money than freeze" and said a combined electricity bill of $160 "isn't that bad". Listen, I suffer from bone chills, but I have a different priority. I don't want to spend $40 I don't contribute to increasing with my monthly budget of $250... I need gas, food, cheap electricity bills, and SOME money for fun so I don't go insane. In comparison, Aaron is richer than me. Not that it matters, but what they said before irks me now.
Speaking of weed, Cody and I literally told Aaron AND Julia to stop smoking inside. Before we moved in they promised they would smoke outside, but for some reason they started doing it indoors. It got so bad that I would go to my bathroom at 3am and get dizzy from how strongly it smelt from the vents. I'm on the opposite side of the apartment to Aaron. Regardless, despite being told not to, Aaron started doing it again after some time passed. I want Cody to be confrontational about it, but he hasn't gotten around to it yet. I wouldn't dare tell Aaron what to do because everytime it ends in me being the villain.
There was a big event that happened in early November. At some point Aaron went to a mental hospital, however Cody and I didn't know. We both noticed Aaron wasn't around the apartment much, but I personally assumed it was them being angry at us and staying at their parent's. I was in the kitchen alone with Julia when I felt brave enough to even mention Aaron. I asked where they were and Julia told me about the mental hospital. I did genuinely care, so I said "Oh, no! I hope they're getting the help they need!" and something else along those lines. The next day the group chat gets a text from Aaron similar to "Since you guys don't care about me, I want everything of ours to separate."
This just came out of nowhere for Cody and I, especially with such boldness of an accusation. There was more conversation after that, but it boiled down to Aaron thinking we didn't care because we didn't ask about them sooner (they implied we didn't ask at all a couple times though). Cody justified it by saying that he was raised to mind his business and I said that I thought Aaron was at their parent's. We both backed it up by saying we do care. Aaron goes "You don't need to explain yourself! I cared about you guys, but it's good to know now you guys don't feel the same way! We can just be civil from now on!"
After almost an entire semester of bad treatment, that was enough to make me act in anger. Since when has Aaron acted like they cared for my well being either. When Cody and I got home we took out almost everything in the kitchen that was ours and put it in his storage closet. This made the kitchen especially vacant because we did most of the cooking. No spices, no knives, no nice spatulas, no cutting boards, no measuring cups, no mixing bowls, and so on. The only thing we left in the kitchen was our keurigs, the toaster, a couple of Cody's plates and glasses, and some decorations. Those were just for our convenience.
Over the course of that weekend the entire apartment would be locked in a pretty nasty texting argument. Mind you, we're all in the apartment while this is happening. I even expressed to Aaron they made me uncomfortable in my own apartment and they replied back, "It's not my job to cater to your feelings." So much for caring about us, huh. I even texted Julia at some point wondering if she wanted to meet somewhere because I was feeling lost, so I was looking for advice on what's the best way to talk to Aaron from someone who knew them well. Julia told me she was busy, but she was just in her room with Aaron all day. Julia did tell me that Aaron isn't evil or anything and I can talk to them normally, which felt uplifting at the time. Aaron eventually came on the chat to apologize if they'd done anything rude in the past, but then told me they think I say rude things. They said "you" in a general chat, but it felt directed at me because it came after something I said. Reading that felt like a punch in the gut because, in my opinion, no apology should be worded "I'm sorry, BUT you should be sorry too." Cody, like I said before, will say intentionally rude things and rarely gets as much clapback as I do. I feel like I'm going insane because everyone says I do nothing wrong, but Aaron is the only one who says I am and they're treating me so rudely over it. Hell, I don't like Aaron at all at this point, but I am still civil and try my hardest to be nice. I'm a walking doormat to them because I don't want to ever upset them. They told me "I treat others how I'm treated" in that same text which is... not fair. In what world am I nitpicking Aaron's words and starting fights everytime they say something in the chat. Am I the one that mumbletalks at someone who has slight hearing loss. Are they the person who does all the chores and tidies up their own decorations in the living room. Do they sometimes water their own plants. Did they buy themselves a pot for their own plant that they don't even take care of. I feel like I serve them sometimes, not that they ask me to do these things. I'm just trying my hardest to appease them so I'll be appreciated, but it goes unnoticed. The list goes on of small acts of kindness I do for them, but it feels like it's never good enough.
That weekend was horrible and most of it is a blur that I don't really care to remember much of. The entire thing boiled down to us needing to set expectations and boundaries for each other. It started to look up when my roommates threw me a surprise early birthday party on the 20th of November. We hadn't all hung out together since September, so it was a huge surprise for multiple reasons! It was fun! We did shots, got high, Cody and I baked muffins, and we all watched one of my favorite movies. Aaron left to go to their room quite often and at one point even said "Wait... is it your birthday" but I let those things slide because I was enjoying myself around them for the first time ever.
Okay, now, we're almost caught up. Since the party the apartment actually felt less tense and I considered us to get along quite well. For winter break Aaron was going to stay the entire time while everyone left. Before I left, Aaron, Cody, and I watched a Christmas movie the night before. Very nice!!
On Christmas (looking back, I was shocked I did this on Christmas, I definitely forgot what day it was), I texted the group chat this exact message: "hey btw i forgot if i said this but i'm coming back on the 3rd and my best friend is sleeping over from the 4th-7th! :) make sure the apartment is cleeeeean hehe"
Aaron's response came: "There's a way to say things to people and that's not one of them OP. I knew to clean the apartment before you guys came back. Thanks."
I felt so horribly guilty I replied back "i'm so sorry, that was my bad excuse at a joke. i wasn't trying to be mean. if i say anything that hurts your feelings again, you can tell me so" I added that last sentence because I wanted to subtly say "hey... you could have worded what YOU said better". No reply back though all break.
I got super obsessed with that message. I had trouble sleeping, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I cried over it multiple times. I just felt so bad for hurting Aaron's feelings, but also felt so hurt over their response. I thought we were finally becoming friends, but I said one thing wrong and blew it all. I told everyone I could what happened and got their opinions. It stacked up to 10 people saying I was in the right because I was setting an expectation. Those people agreed that what I said wasn't rude, although some pointed out it could have been nicer with a "please". They understood my intention too: a simple reminder or a playful comment. Only one person said I was being rude, but their reasoning was because it sounded like I was babying them. They reasoned it's because Aaron should know to clean and I also added a "hehe", but I literally say hehe all the time. It's my period at the end of most of my sentences. I probably could have worded it in a way that was catering to Aaron, but this was my way of setting expectations. If I hadn't said anything, and came back to a dirty apartment, then I would feel responsible for not setting those expectations. I still feel guilty though.
And, guess what. I came back to a dirty apartment. Exhausted after 7 hours of flying, a 3 hour time difference, and feeling gross from airport AND bus stench I was excited to unpack and relax in my bed. Instead I come home to Aaron blasting music from their room while I stand in awe of the absolute disrespect.
Cody and I are the only consistent ones who clean the apartment, this much is very obvious. Julia and Aaron probably have cleaned before as I don't want to entirely discredit them, but it's not really that obvious to either of us. I'm actually the only person who was organized the living room (we have fabric protectors on the couches that get very messy anytime someone sits on it) except one singular time someone else did it. Cody is the only person who cleans the stove burners. Everything else is shared between the two of us: sweeping the kitchen, putting dishes away from the dry rack, vacuuming, generally keeping the living space well kept.
When I come home there's dried up mud all over in the entrance (We have a doormat). There's a pile in the kitchen of swept up food, dust, and other gross things next to the carpet with a broom leaning on the wall. There's a cardboard box with stuff inside it next to the trashcan and unwashed dishes in the sink. The couches are incredibly disheveled, to the point where one of the covers is off the cushions where it's usually attached to by a cord. There's trash, used fabric softeners, and big pieces of lint in random places on the floor, including what I assume is a bag of crushed up weed outside Aaron's door. I tried making myself dinner and I set the fire alarm off because apparently there was burnt food in two out of our four burners. There wasn't any smoke, but it smelled so smokey. I even notice that things of mine are unwashed in the sink or on the drying rack. Things I'm pretty sure I had in Cody's storage closet, though I do have a bad memory. I just can't figure out why I would have one of my cutting boards out in the kitchen before I left. Aaron also bent the handle of one of my measuring cups. I called Cody after the fire alarm incident because it really spooked me and I needed comfort after the mess I've walked into. During then I probably was a little loud over my measuring cup being bent because the next morning I saw it in the drawer, still unwashed.
I spent the next day working my ass off making the apartment clean for my friend. I literally soaked the floor of the entrance in soap and water before the mud would come out. I had to soak the counters too because there was gunk on them. I swept the kitchen and came up with an even bigger pile of food. You know that sound vacuums make when you suck up a bunch of shit and it sounds all crunchy. Yeah, the entire carpet sounded like that. I even vacuumed my own room for the first time ever and it never made that sound despite me wiping crumbs onto the carpet all the time. Whatever Aaron did over 3 weeks was worse for the carpet than what I did over 4 months.
At some point Aaron came out while the entrance was still drying, so I said "Sorry, I put the shoes from the entrance on the carpet because the floor is still wet. I cleaned it." and Aaron slammed the door on the way out. I would like to think not intentionally though because that was a loud slam.
Aaron even came out another time while I was wiping down their crockpot on the counter because it had grease all over. I had to move it around, plus other things, because several items were just out of their cupboards.
At some point, while I was vacuuming in front of their door, Aaron came out to interrupt me. They asked if I wanted their cow stickers, which I was super happy to get because they're my favorite animal. Despite getting a gift from them, the interaction left a sour taste in my mouth. It felt like it was their way of trying to manipulate or appease me without addressing the problem.
All throughout this no "thank you" or "sorry I didn't clean".
I was cleaning up after roommate the entire day. This person has never given me anything (besides the cow stickers, thank you Aaron). I don't believe they've put in effort to understand me. Everyone I've talked to about this, and it is MANY (people in my class, professors, friends, friend's families, etc... This is because I come off clearly upset and they ask "what's wrong" btw), say that Aaron just sounds spoiled and I shouldn't worry myself too much over them. I just find it so incredibly hard. I mean, I'm living with them.
Cody tells me to just be myself and not pay any mind to whether I'm up to Aaron's standards. My dad tells me to play their game and be mean back. My dad's girlfriend tells me to go even crazier and break glass to show I'm not to be messed with. And everyone else just says "fuck this person, punch them!"
I show evidence for things, as well. I have texts, pictures of mold in the sinks, etc. so when I tell people my woe I try my hardest not to be biased.
Not everyone is on my side all the time, obviously. Sometimes I am sensitive about an interaction and I'm told "it's not really that bad" and other times I have unreasonable expectations where Cody will tell me in a blunt way to reconsider my opinions.
I'm writing this four days after getting home and even now, after cleaning the whole apartment without a thank you, I've already got 2 more points on the board for "times Aaron has said unnecessarily mean things to me". I won't get into it though, it's all just too much at this point.
There is just no way that Aaron actually cleaned. There is no way they would consider what they were living in as clean. They told me they knew to clean, so why didn't they. My only assumption is that they purposely didn't clean out of spite, and everyone else seems to think so too. Multiple people tell me it's their way of being manipulative, that having me do it for them is like I'm allowing them to rule over me.
At this point, I'm pissed. I'm alone in an apartment with someone who hasn't shown me any compassion and is now disrespecting me in my own home. At this point I don't know how to approach them, much less this situation, because anything I say gets refuted with a backhanded comment or scolding. I'm really tired of playing nice and I wonder if I should just be an asshole, or take the high road, to show them I'm not lesser than them. I already went ahead and pettily wrote down a chore list on the kitchen's whiteboard with a filled in section "done by" with just my name. Thanks Cody for the idea <3
I'm stuck, sad, hurt, angry, and at a loss.
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TLDR: I've felt disrespected by my roommate for the past 11 months. I've dealt with a lot of passive aggressive comments while I've been trying to stay positive. I told them to clean the apartment before I got back from break and they left it dirty in an obvious intent to punish me for hurting their feelings. I'm sick and tired of the way they treat, and I don't know what to do anymore.

(Sorry for the bad grammar in advance, english is my second language and grammar isn't my strength even in my native language)
I am 19 years old at the time of writing this, heavily addicted to nicotine and weed, taking antidepressants and I lie to my therapist on a regular Basis. I am still in school and have a good chance to get a Job after school. I am from a middle class family and have a good relationship with all my family members, even with extended Family. Everyone is pretty supportive despite my depression.
And still, I feel like dying, still can't focus on school or building a Solid Future for myself, still can't stand myself and still fear the future, passt and present. At times I feel Happy and having fun with friends at partys and other social events and excessively drinking.
Despite supportive Parents and Friends I feel like dying. One day everything is fine, the next day I can't move Out of bed. I Just can't stand it anymore. As mentioned earlier I lie to my therapist, I never talked about my suicidal thoughts or that I fear every new day. I also never talked about my conflicting emoticons that tend to change quickly, from rage and Anger to sadness to euphoric highs.
I don't even know if I want help or suffer in silence. I Just feel indesicive and don't know what to do about it.
I often wanted to write down my thoughts and share my thoughts with random people on the internet but didn't know if I could stand being judged by random people. Today I don't care about judgement, and I hope it was the right call to write down my thoughts for strangers to ready and react to it.

MBTI: INXX (50:50)
DCNH: Creative Subtype
ENNEAGRAM: 1w2 - instinctual variant: sx/sp
BIG FIVE:
https://bigfive-test.com/result/623853dd3967b900088ab75d
CHARACTER ALIGNMENT:
chaotic good (adblocker): https://anotepad.com/note/read/b5d6kkke
*I don't deliberately break laws just for the sake of it.
ATTACHMENT STYLE:
Secure mostly: https://www.reddit.com/infj/comments/lxco5d/comment/gpn3c1j/
ORIENTATION:
Panromantic-Demisexual
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- - - -
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NEVER HAVE I EVER...

1. Used Netflix, TikTok, etc
2. Part take in the hookup culture
3. Used an online dating app or site
4. Used recreational drugs or weed
5. Eaten an authentic taco before
6. Smoked cigarettes first-hand
7. Drunk alcohol apart from a few sips
8. Touched a cat - protect cat virginity..!!
9. ㅤ

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I AM A...

1. ㅤ

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I BELIEVE...

1. Honesty is the best policy
2. Organised religions are BS
3. Simple is sometimes best
4. ㅤ

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I CANT OR DISLIKE...

1. condiments: mayo pickles mustard wasabi sauces ..
2. avocados papayas soda runny yolks, etcetera
3. red meat and pork, some poultry and fish
4. lactose, onions, pepper, high fibre food
5. caffeine - gives me anxiety/panic attack
6. mainstream porn so I 'make' my own
7. emojis but classic emoticons ftw!!
8. appearance/fame-based idolatry
9. ㅤ

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I HAVE...

1. IBS, therefore plenty of food intolerances
2. Only 3 social media: YouTube, Art services, Reddit
3. Weird habit of saving pictures/ads/things I hate
4. The need to document nearly everything (derp)
5. ㅤ

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I LIKE...

1. I like my food mild with texture: not too sweet too salty ..
2. (but now I can't taste or smell much because of covid fml)
3. ㅤ

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Music: ► 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 - YouTube
May finish this someday, made something similar in the past somewhere. Warning: Kinda cute and somewhat cringe.

You: Hi!
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Stranger: Hey
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You: Whachu upto?
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Stranger: Chillin smokin
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Stranger: You?
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You: Nothing much, lol
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You: Just burning time
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Stranger: Same 😂
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You: Smoking you say? Whachu smoking, if I may ask.
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Stranger: Kush
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Stranger: Purple kush
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You: Nice
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Stranger: You want some?
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You: Never smoked my entire life. So no thank you. I did vape a couple of times tho
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Stranger: If you never smoked Stay that way
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You: 👍
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Stranger: This is bad for your health 😂😂
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You: I'd imagine so :D
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Stranger: Whats your name?
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You: My real name?
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Stranger: Of course
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You: Wait, shoot. Ofc lol
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You: It's Taylor
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You: Wbu?
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Stranger: Oliver
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You: Nice
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You: I assume you're a dude?
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Stranger: Yes i am
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Stranger: What else a pot head at this time and hour bem going here if he wasnt a dude?
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You: Lmao
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You: I have many female friends that are potheads too, so
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Stranger: Not judging at all, don't get me wrong
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You: No worries, man
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Stranger: Im just way to high 😂
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You: Understandable.
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You: What time is it there, whereever you're from?
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Stranger: Its 6am
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Stranger: In Portugal
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Stranger: And there?
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You: Yo. That's early af
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You: In America, currently 11:17 PM MST
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Stranger: Way too early
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You: Lol whachu doing getting high at 6 AM?
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Stranger: Im getting high since 4:20 am
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Stranger: 😂
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Stranger: Woke up , rolled One
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Stranger: Here i am
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You: Of course. Standard Protocol to wake up for your 4:20 AM roll of weed 😂
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Stranger: See? You know it as well
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You: Lmao yup
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Stranger: How old are you?
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You: 17
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You: You?
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Stranger: I'm 23
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You: Nice
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Stranger: You need to enjoy this time and age
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Stranger: Not talking about this pandémic that's been going on
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Stranger: Which btw sucks
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You: Yeah it does
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You: Yeah man, I'm trying to enjoy my time, but this pandemic do be eating away at every inch of my sanity.
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You: But I'll keep on trying
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You: How about you? How's life?
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Stranger: Same here, i've Been dealing with depression and anxiety
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Stranger: And my sanity drops down every day
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Stranger: Its been hard
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You: Oh that's not good.
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You: Have you seeked therapy of any kind? I'm not sure how else to help
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You: I don't even know if that works
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Stranger: I have a job, i have a home thankfully
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You: Awesome!
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You: What sorta job do you do? Do you enjoy it?
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Stranger: Yeah Im seeing a therapist, it is helping a lot
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You: That's good to hear
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Stranger: I am an IT manager
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Stranger: I love it, i wake up everyday with a big smile because ido what i love
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You: Awe man, that makes me so happy!
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You: I'm just hoping one day I can get a job that will actually make me happy
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Stranger: Im sure you will
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You: 'Preciate the optimism 😂
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Stranger: Enjoy your youth
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Stranger: Party hard
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You: Thanks. I'll try my best
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You: (but no promises :)
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Stranger: To enjoy the best on life you have to live a little
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Stranger: Don't ever forget that
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Stranger: The best in life**
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You: I'm gonna try to live the best three years of my life, so that when I look back on to it, it genuinely makes me feel bitter-sweet with nostalgia
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You: I feel like the last couple years of my life has been pretty black-and-white
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Stranger: You need to put some colors in your life
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Stranger: That is what makes it special
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Stranger: Sprickle here and there
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You: I will definitely try
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Stranger: From time to time
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Stranger: And enjoy the little momentos
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Stranger: Moments*
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Stranger: Little moments are always the best ones
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You: I love your wording lol. You sure you're high? You honestly sound poetic af rn. But thanks for the advice. I agree with all of this.
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Stranger: Yes i am, but Im like this whenever Im high or not
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You: Ah I see
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Stranger: Im glad i can be of help
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You: I hope your life gets better too, whatever it is you have to deal with.
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Stranger: Thank you, that means a lot
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You: I'm sorry I can't be as much of help
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Stranger: Don't worry, everyone has a personal fight that only ourselves can battle
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You: Yeah, agreed
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Stranger: With or without help
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You: I used to feel guilt for not being of much help for some of my closest friends, one of whom had bipolar disorder. I really want to help them out however I can, but most of the times, I simply don't know how.
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You: But oh well, if there isn't much I can do, I can pray that they get blessed with a miracle
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Stranger: Sometimes you just have to BE there to support
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Stranger: Your friends
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You: Oh you mean just be there by their side, giving them the emotional support?
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Stranger: Anytype of support
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Stranger: Doesnt matter which
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You: Yeah, that makes sense.
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Stranger: Just be there
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Stranger: Sometimes you can help
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Stranger: Sometime you can't
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Stranger: And sometimes its just out of your reach
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Stranger: No matter what you do
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You: I really do feel that sometimes
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You: I just hope just because I do not know how to help them, doesn't mean I abandoned them.
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You: It still feels me with some amount of guilt from time to time.
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You: What if I had kids, and I am unable to help them, ya know?
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You: Stuff like that
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You: Anyways, my guy, I gotta bolt
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You: 11:46 PM here
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You: Totally lost the track of time, lol. It was AWESOME talking to you. I did not expect to run across someone like you on this cursed website today.
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You: It was an awesome, fruitful talk. Have yourself a great rest of the day!
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Stranger: Sorry
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Stranger: I was having a ahowe
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Stranger: Shower
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You: Wait, this whole time? Lol
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Stranger: Don't feel guity
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Stranger: Research watch videos on YouTube search for ways you can help
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Stranger: Yeah, i was gone like what 5 min? 😂
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You: Ah. Didn't feel like that long honestly. Probably because I was typing for 5 minutes
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You: But yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Instead of guilting over my shortcomings, do some actual research. I'll definitely be working on that.
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Stranger: You're getting the picture
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Stranger: I'm proud of you
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You: Thanks man. 'Preciate it a ton!
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Stranger: 😎
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You: I'm legit still utterly surprised that I got some genuine useful help, on a site as cursed as Omegle 😂
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Stranger: Glad i can be of help
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You: Yeah man, you're genuinely fricking awesome!
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You: Thanks for this talk
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Stranger: I think you just got lucky 😂😂
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Stranger: Thank you too Taylor
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You: Oh 1000%. This site is literally filled with horny dudes trying to seduce me, even though I said I'm 17 😂
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You: Yeah you too, Oliver
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Stranger: Thanks, your awesome too 😎
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Stranger: Those dudes need to get a life
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You: I'm sure they get like 1 or 2 people every day to click on their sketchy links, and that's how they make their income
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Stranger: It sure seems like that happens 😅
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Stranger: Dudes nowadays just think of One thing
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Stranger: Social status, how much they can have sex and rub that on peaple faces
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Stranger: The fuck is up with that ?? 😂😂
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Stranger: Do they even know how to engage in a proper convo with someone
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You: Yeah that is just one of the most pathetic things ever. Like they don't even care about the fact that it makes them seem kinda mysoginistic. Like women to them is just a tally for social status points.
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You: It's just really toxic, idk. Especially when they shame other men for not having sex.
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Stranger: Do they know that woman are human ? Not some random Numbers or a random object
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You: Exactly
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You: Like, dude, try to get to know them at least.
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Stranger: Exactly
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Stranger: They don't know
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Stranger: They don't know what a good friend a soma is
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Stranger: Woman
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Stranger: From every perspective
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Stranger: You know what i mean?
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You: Yeah exactly
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Stranger: Woman give the best advices ever
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Stranger: And every woman need to get the respect they deserve
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You: Thanks man. Honestly, men like you also need to get all the respect you deserve!
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You: A lot of my closest friends are male, and I'm genuinely happy we actually treat each other with respect
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Stranger: Thank you, that means a lot, its because of this dudes that the expression "Nice guys finish last" works
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Stranger: That's super important
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Stranger: And thank God you have such good friends
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You: Ugh, hate that so much. Especially a lot of people say nice guys are just effiminate or not swolen up with raw testosterone. It's just so toxic.
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Stranger: Very Toxic
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You: Yeah thanks man. I'm kinda socially awkward, so don't gravitate towards people easily. But I'm so lucky the ones I did gravitate towards turned out to be some of my best friends.
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Stranger: Its a shame
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Stranger: Men have a sensitive side as well
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Stranger: Most don't show because its a weakness
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Stranger: Not for me at least
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Stranger: I don't speak for every dude out there in the world 😂😂
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You: Yeah, I feel like that's what makes us human (having a sensitive side). To some, not showing this side is a sign of "emotional strength", and by extension, "coolness" and "edginess". Shame that people actually think this way.
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You: I have yet to meet a woman who thinks guys showing their sensitive side and being open about their very human vulnerabilities, is a shameful thing. Of course, I don't speak for every woman, but guys that... actually act like humans, are the best to get along with
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Stranger: You can be strong emotionally and bem emoticon its not that hard
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Stranger: Be emotional*
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You: Absolutely!!!
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You: Emotional Resolve =/= Bottling up your emotions
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Stranger: I totally agree
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Stranger: And don't be a dick about it most important 😂
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You: Oh absolutely
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You: Kindness and nicety is just a basic human decency. Nothing "weak" about it.
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Stranger: Men are just too proud!
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You: Actually, bit of a cliche, but I'd argue that knowing when to open up to others and seek for help, is the bravest thing a man can do. Being toxic about it is just cowardice imo.
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Stranger: I think that being Toxic its plain stupid
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You: Lol, that's the simple truth of it
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Stranger: Its not a chiche, i agree with you, some men don't have a problem with that
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Stranger: Its super Brave
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You: I wish those men just knew... how cathartic it feels to show kindness towards someone, and be greeted with kindness in return.
​
Stranger: And in end of the day, men can't be men without a woman
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You: True, exactly
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Stranger: Its a gigantic pleasure talking to you
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Stranger: It really is
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You: Oh same for you too
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Stranger: You know your shit, and Im really proud
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You: Oh thanks man, I try my best. My guy, you should give yourself a pat on the back too. I originally came here to waste some time, but it's so refreshing to actually have a productive conversation every once in a while.
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Stranger: It truly is
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Stranger: And i dont have One in a while
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Stranger: And this One is by far One of the best
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You: I feel the same way
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You: On Omegle too, of all sites, haha
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Stranger: Feeling is mutual
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Stranger: Wear your crown with Pride girl 😎
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Stranger: Don't let mean dudes get in your head
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You: You too, king!
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You: Lol, we've been shittalking guys, but honestly, there are some awful girls as well. I hope you don't run into any of them, haha.
​
Stranger: I had my fair share 😂😂
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You: That makes the two of us then :D
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You: Anyways, my guy, I'm so so sorry, but it is 12:33 AM here, and I got to go to bed for that early 10 AM gym 💪💪
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Stranger: You go girl
​
Stranger: 💪💪
​
Stranger: I need to get ready for work also
​
Stranger: Glad i have this convo with you
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You: Yep, looking for some jobs as well, before college inevitably grates at my mental health, haha.
​
Stranger: College are the best years
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Stranger: Remember that
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You: Yeah you too man. Absolutely incredible. It was AWESOME talking to you.
​
You: Yeah, I'll try my best to enjoy college lol
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Stranger: And the worst also, its a mixed feeling
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You: That's what I've been hearing, lol
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You: Anyways dude, I'll go get some sleep. Please, have yourself an AWESOME rest of the day! Goodbye!
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Stranger: Goodbye Taylor , you're awesome, have a good night sleep
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You: Thanks 👍

I got rugged today, for the first time on a three day old ‘token’. Fraud is a big problem, and so are abandoned projects. But, because we dont want too much regulation, we need to take matters into our own hands - to protect ourselves, our investments, and to keep the good cryptos going.
1.). Double your due diligence. 2.). Share resources, apps and methods you use, to verify project owners, validate a project and their claims, analyze a contract, assess security, find a project owners true identity, etc.. 3.). Down vote any obvious hype-only cryptos (usually seen with lots of emoticons and bright colors) in moon shots and other subs. Some have decent websites and ‘plans’. We need to make it far less welcoming for every Tom, Dick, and Rohit to create a crypto. They aren’t vetted, they aren’t business people, and not all have good intentions. 4.). When scammed, blast the user names / group who led the scam within the channels they pumped. The scam I fell prey to was pumped by 1+ year Reddit accounts. 5.). Report them. To Twitter, Reddit, police, internet fraud. I avoid the SEC and state regulators, because I don’t want regulation. I want to weed out the bad apples, not limit OUR options.
We know it’s all risky. But, we can’t make it easy for the jokers to steal and hurt all crypto. They’re the reason certain countries, provinces, and states ban crypto.

I'll start by saying that I hate the Air BnB business for multiple reasons, but first and foremost because of the way that its made my lifestyle as a working class hobo far more difficult.
As a hobo that works and makes money in most of the places I travel, my routine strategy is generally this:
Step One: Find relatively safe spot to camp for one month in my tent/hammock, safe meaning that it (hopefully) won't be bothered by thieves or cops while I'm sleeping or away from work.
Step Two: Find a job, typically seasonal work on marijuana fields, fruit orchards, produce farms, canneries, warehousing, landscaping, restaurant/hotels, tourism sector, etc.
Step 3: Save 80% my first two paychecks (usually 1,000 - 1,500), and rent a room or studio apartment to live in while working the rest of the season.
And its that Step 3 that is bein hurt so badly by the Air BNB business.
Finding a room or small studio for rent (usually 300 - 500/month) is now nearly impossible due strictly to the Air BnB business.
And couchsurfing isn't left undamaged by the Air BnB boom either...
What's happening is pretty obvious, but for those that haven't been clued in, I'll explain briefly: Upwards of 70 percent of all of those rooms, studios, and couchsurfing opportunities have been turned into an Air BnB.
And it ain't cheap either. Its not even remotely affordable for most...
Sure, in the early days of Air BnB, when it was new and didnt have the large customer base that it has now, you could find weekly/monthly Air BnB deals that were cheap, even vheaper than your budget motels or rooms for rent. $200 weekly deals, 2 nights 1 free, and other sweet deals that would come along with shaking a hand and letting the landlord know your situation/budget/plans.
However, these days? Those rooms, those prices, those longer-term options and handshake deals? Those are done. Over. GONE.
And the rooms for rents, the studio apartments, the guesthouse monthly rentals? Well those are all Air BnB accomodations, many of which are going for exorbitant prices that are not only unaffordable to the regular working class vacationer, but certainly too pricy for the underpaid working class hobo.
$150 a night and upwards for someone's spare bedroom or renovated garage. The fuck?
But, Oh HONEY look its worth it because you can do a free tour of their organic farm and they also provide a free brunch.
Factor in the fact that the organic farm consists of 2 raised garden beds growing daffodils and tomatoes from Ace Hardware, in which case most of those tomatoes are left unharvested and eaten by crows and caterpillars.
And the brunch? That MIGHT consist of toasted bagels and a glass of Tropicana orange juice, or a bowl of Kashi oat cereal and OH MY GOD LOOK HONEY GOATS MILK FROM THE 2 GOATS IN THE BACKYARD.
And so that leads me to my second biggest complaint about Air BnB: Its mostly a bunch of novelty overpriced bull shit that comes with most populist fads and new-age marketing hype. What next, free tarot card readings and get "lei'd" with a 3 night stay? Wait for it...
Of course, this is all so that we can post our "cottage Air BnB retreat" pictures all over Facebook and Instagram, so that we can make sure all of our former high school friends and coworkers think we are living that dreamier "oh so perfect" life that everyone wishes and PRETENDS to be living. Right. We got it Tom and Nancy, you blew a meteor-sized hole in your fuckin blue-collar savings account so that you could spend 3 days and 4 nights taking smartphone pictures of rotting tomatoes in some assholes backyard garden, and eating KrogeSafeway brand bagels sloppily ans overly-slathered in generic cream cheese.
Also, conveniently don't tell Facebook that the Air BnB failed to mention that part of the complimentary package included 2 spoiled pomeranians and an asshole tabby cat waking you up at 7am and getting their hair all over your clothes and luggage, or perhaps the neighbor wakin you up as they weed-whack the fenceline outside of your window.
Oui oui motherfuckers, post the edited over-saturated jpegs on FB/IG and hold on tight to your precious 30 likes and 3 smiley faces. Shhhhhhh and pretend that everyone thinks your living the Air BnB dream life and, in trade, we will all pretend we definitely-don't-know that you blew most of your savings and will spend the rest of the fiscal year half broke.
As an added bonus, we will all pretend-not-to-know that half your trip was arguing over directions with your fiance, buying over-priced refrigerator magnets for your nieces and nephews that say "Montana: Big Sky Country", and eating whatever luke-warm deep fried and microwaved garbage that's left up to grabs at Pilot/Flying J just off of Exit 302b. Vacaaaayyyyyy time lolz heheheh smiley fucking face surfboard emoticon...pfffff.
In going to be real here: Motel fucking 6 or any hotel that costs less than 100 a night will have 120 channels, a shower that actually gets cleaned every single day, free coffee, bagels/cereal/oranges/bananas/wtf-ever-continental-breakfast, free pool, and is likely 10x closer to the airport/national park/beach/gentrified-historic down town.
Oh, and bonus, it doesn't come with 2 loudass Pomeranians, an asshole cat, and some shitty neighbor jamming Pantera at 2am or weed whacking the fenceline at the break of dawn.
But hey, a picture of a Holiday Inn Express doesn't get 30 Facebook likes does it? Doubt it.
Alright. My rant is over. I have to do 2 weeks worth of laundry, buy a never-ending supply of shit for my sailboat, hand out appears ximately 3 cigarettes to 3 homebums loiteriv on bus benches, pretend that I have room in my laundry bag for a ripe coconut I found laying near a hotel sidewalk, and eventually get back to my sailboat.
And thank god for that boat or else I'd be shit out of luck trying to plant strawberries in central California and worrying about all of my shit getting stolen in the tent I ld assumably have hidden in the tree line next to the river.
Instead, I'll be doing Wednesday type shit that a hobo typically does on a boat: scraping barnacles, folding laundry, eating a coconut, drinking 2-3 beer, meticulously over-analyzing weather and wind predictions, read/listening to books, masturbating to lesbian Latina and Asian porn, cooking dinner and spillin it all over my boat, and writing more of my book.
Its Wednesday. Bleh. Play some Lana Del Rey or Led Zep and lets get this fucking day over with. Fridays only day after tomorrow and we gotta book that Spring Break Air BnB deal in San Diego and blow dat stimulus money woot woot!
Edit: edited 8 millions time for literacy and auro-correct typos.
Edit Two: Extra adjectives and F- bombs
Edit Three: Apparently its not even Wednesday. That's how terribly shitty Tuesday is folks, you're left in disillusion HOPING/PRETENDING its the second worse week of the day, Wednesday. Fuck it anyway, I'm a hobo, half the time I don't know what day it is anyway, plus the fact that I live in the middle of the fucking ocean and time doesn't even exist there anyway.

Keisha woke up to the sound of her phone blaring WAP. It may be as filthy a bop as it gets but as far as alarms go, this one actually perked her up in the morning. Like most 16 (almost 17!) year old girls, the first thing she did in the morning was check her socials and throw a 15 second vid out into the world. Filter : cat ears. Greeting : peace, love, and good vibes from KeishaKittyKat0604😸. As routine as brushing her teeth and getting dressed for the day.
Despite the school’s strict no-cellphone policy, Keisha was able to surreptitiously check her socials between classes - or in class, if it was math. She was already on a calculus level when the rest of her class was struggling with algebra. Makeup trends, dances, true crime stories, she had her favourites. She was also a whiz with analytics, which was as much fun as the content itself.
By the time the final bell sounded, Keisha was on her way home to go spend more time on her phone. Extra-curriculars weren’t an option. “We don’t have money for that!” became such a repetition that she didn’t even bother to ask her parents anymore. Not like they noticed. They were too busy fighting.
Her parents always fought but it had gotten much worse lately. It turns out that grown ups use social media too, but they tended to use it for airing the family’s dirty laundry. Embarrassing. Most nights now ended with raised voices and slamming doors. Her sister, Chloe, was two years older than her and often just cranked up her music. Megan Thee Stallion, Rico Nasty, Playboi Carti, King Von...Chloe only liked the freshest of the fresh on her playlists. Keisha would sometimes tag team content with her sister. They had some good sibling rivalry happening on social media. Everyone knew they were sisters. Keisha always reminded Chloe that she had way more followers, but it was all in good fun. They were pretty tight and often tagged one another in videos and posts.
The videos were a good distraction from the fact that their world was falling apart around them.
It was a Friday night when their Dad finally packed up his tattered suitcases and left the house.
That’s the night Keisha went live to pour her heart out to her followers. She received the usual love and support she was used to getting from half a world away. A few new people joined the live stream but one name stood out. DemiGod666 😈. Keisha found it hard to believe they’d have anything in common. “What if they listen to like, Marilyn Manson? Ew.” It just made her uncomfortable. Mixed in with names like PinkPixie99 and Fairy_Felicia, it just seemed out of place. After she told her her followers what just happened at home, she let them know she’ll likely be making some different type of content to take her mind off things. “Drop you suggestions in comments Guys, I need something different to take my mind off all this crap. Have a good night fam.” She flashed the peace sign, offered a pout and ended her stream.
She joined Chloe in their shared bathroom. Time to scrape off the day’s makeup. They’d usually talk about their videos, cute boy followers that slid in their DMs, giggle and sing. Tonight was different though. The mood was somber. Chloe didn’t even have music playing on her phone. Just silence.
“How was your night? Did you go out?” Keisha broke the silence.
“I did for a little while. Me and Jasmine went over to Darrell’s house but then the boys showed up and it got boring so we jetted. You?” Chloe answered.
“Nah, I just stayed home in case Mum needed anything. She hasn’t gotten out of bed much today. I got her to eat some toast and tea after school, but she just went back to bed. Didn’t want dinner. I just made some KD. You should see her hair right now. Don’t think she’s showered in a few days,” Keisha said.
Chloe responded, “I know. She looks awful. I feel so bad for her. I’m really mad at Dad right now, I really don’t want to see him but he says he wants to see us this weekend. Ugh.” She wrinkled her nose.
“He's still our Dad.” Keisha reminded her sister.
“Whatevs, let me be in my feelings right now,” Chloe retorted.
Chloe wasn’t one to hide her anger. She was a bit of a hot head. Typical Aries. They both recently watched a video that explained the traits of the zodiac signs. Chloe was her birth sign through and through. Keisha was a Gemini - she thought meant that she had this deep dual personality, but the video she watched said that she’s simply addicted to drama. Touché.
Keisha went to bed, face lit by her phone as she checked her stats and messages. Over 110 000 followers and counting. One comment suggested she start doing some scary videos as part of a little series. Like dare videos. Keisha always saw herself as being pretty tough and she enjoyed the creepy side of the internet. She liked true crime stories and scary movies. She watched all those paranormal shows where the people hunt ghosts with special equipment.
She let the idea roll around in her head, coming up with scenarios while she drifted off into an unrestful sleep.
A few of her followers suggested she partake in some 3:00am ghost hunting challenges where she and her sister would play with a spirit board and various apps on her phone. They played Charlie Charlie, which caused both girls to scream and end the video. The creepier the content she shared, the more followers and comments she got. It was a rush. She went deeper. Keisha was aware of a new trending app that mixed adventure, creepiness, and coincidence. As long as you believed…
Rando-Journey insisted that the user try to “manifest” their end result. Want to find money? See a dog? A colour? Think hard, set your intention and then generate a location through the app. The girls started small. “Show me purple,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes. This was one step above a child’s treasure hunt. She was sure she had better ways to spend her time right now. The app generated a location, and off they went.
They walked mere blocks before arriving at the location. The girls looked around and saw nothing but streetlights, a SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING sign, and the bus stop they used to use in elementary school. This was their neighborhood and they knew there was nothing purple around here. Chloe sucked her tongue, aggravated at the waste of her time when Keisha spun her around.
“Remember that tall-ass hedge around the property behind the bus stop?! We always wondered what was behind those bushes!”, she hissed.
Chloe nodded in the affirmative. And then she saw it.
What was once a thick, some-type-of-evergreen-looking hedge that completely disguised what lay in the offing was gone. Nothing but sawdust, and stumps that suggested whoever cut them down was a chainsaw rookie.
And a purple house.
How had they not noticed that before.
Keisha was pumped. Chloe was not.
“So someone bought the property, painted the house purple, and cut down the hedges. So?”, she said.
“It’s still purple.” Keisha said firmly.
Chloe knew her sister was right.
Subsequent journeys manifested a friendly dog, a not-so-friendly cat, and $40. Keisha figured they could have just manifested the chicken nuggets they bought with the money to skip a step, but Chloe reminded her that this way they got the nuggs - and got to keep the change.
The girls became more and more detached from reality as they spent almost all of their waking time online interacting with strangers. Retreating into their bedrooms more and more, the house itself became a ghost.
Struggling to fall asleep as ideas for new videos ran through Keisha lay in bed struggling to sleep, with ideas running through her head like a freight train. 2:14am. It was Friday night so there was no school in the morning. She sent Chloe a text.
K: 3 a.m. Rando-Journey? 🧭
C: Dude. No. Too tired. Tomorrow.
K: Pffffft. Sneak out with me? TONS OF VIEWS GUARANTEED ☠️
C: 😴😴
They had agreed when it came down to these adventures that they would never do it alone. An anxious Keisha broke the rules that night.
She carefully grabbed the car keys off the table downstairs, and left quietly through the back door. She had just passed her driving test making it legal for her to drive, although she was supposed to have a licensed driver in the vehicle with her. She drove down the street out of sight and parked. She had her iPad for the app to generate coordinates while she filmed inside her car. She hit the “Live” button.
“Ok Guys, so I’m going on a Rando-Journey, I know, I know, I’m by myself but my sister was being a wuss so…” She gestured to her virtual audience. “I’m going to document everything and take you all with me.” She proceeded to warn the hundreds of people slowly joining her live not to be stupid and do it alone. “I just feel confident tonight guys, I’m going to be careful don’t worry. I have my pepper spray with me. You like the 3am challenges so much that I thought, why not go on a late night Rando-Journey and see what happens.” She continued, “Tonight,” she spoke aloud, “show us something unexpected, no death, I don’t wanna die or anything, but show us something unexpected.”
A few moments later she had her coordinates, which she shared with her viewers. She narrated while driving, pausing only briefly to pull over and respond to comments. Some viewers were saying that they knew the general area she was in. Some people recognized a few landmarks nearby. Then she saw him again. DemiGod666 😈💀💀. He had added a couple of skulls. She never interacted with him, he never commented. She just all of a sudden felt a quiver of unease go through her. She knew she was being watched by more than a thousand viewers but this time, she actually felt like she was being watched.
The coordinates led her to what felt like the end of the earth. The pavement dropped off and all of a sudden she was on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Alone. It was then that Keisha concluded that this may not have been the wisest of choices.
“Guys, I’m a little creeped out right now, I’m not gonna lie. This road is so bumpy and dark. Ooof, my mother is gonna kill me if I bottom out in her car.” It was right about then that an old abandoned house came into view. Now, Keisha and Chloe grew up in this area their entire life. They’ve driven everywhere and thought they knew all of the abandoned creepy places in town. So how did this, too, not end up on their radar?
“Looks like an old abandoned farm house guys. This is unexpected most def. Chloe and I have lived here our whole lives and we’ve never seen this place before. Never knew this road even existed. I brought some gear, let me grab my flashlight.” She looked into the camera on her phone when she saw a shape coming up behind her. She felt something hit her hard on the back of her head, everything went black. The livestream cut out.
Chloe woke up to her phone buzzing with notifications. She tried to ignore it, thinking one of her videos must have just gotten a lot of hits. She looked at the time. 3:44am. The notifications kept coming and she got a sinking feeling in her stomach.
They were all notifications from “CLICK”, her video app. They weren’t notifications though, they were DMs.
Something happened to Keisha! Exclaimed one user. Someone’s got Keisha. Another user. Call the police now! A regular viewer. Call the cops, I recognize that area. Another user in their circle. I think I may know where that house is. From Pixie_Girl19, which was not just a random user but a friend of theirs from school.
Chloe’s heart raced as she checked her sister’s empty room with its unmade bed and then dashed into her mother’s room shaking her awake. “Mom, something’s happened to Keisha, she went LIVE and people are saying something happened to her”, Chloe blurted out. “We need to call the police.”
In that instant, Donna sprang out of bed and threw on some clothes, all while dialing 911. Chloe hadn’t seen her mother move that fast since she tried to do one of the girls’ dance videos with them - the time she popped her knee out and had to stop.
Within minutes it seemed the police were knocking on the door. Chloe pulled up her CLICK app and hit the LIVE button.
“Ok Guys, I need your help, I need to know what happened during Keisha’s Live. Fill me in, the police are here now and we need to find her.” She pleaded on the screen. A few eyeball emoticons started popping up in the video.
“She was driving down the old highway that cuts off near Elmsdale,” advised one user. “She was heading north towards the old Oak pass,” another person chimed in. Chloe was watching the comments closely and relaying the info to the police officers at the same time. She heard them radio an alert for the area, and a BOLO for Donna’s Toyota.
“I think she could be at the abandoned Fairclough Mansion, I’m almost sure of it. Someone came up behind her and hit over the back of the head. She’s gotta be there!” Thank you, Pixie_Girl19.
The police sped off to investigate. Officer Browne and his partner Cruz responded first and found the old road that led to the Fairclough property.
“Man this place has grown wild over the years,” remarked Officer Browne. They parked further down and turned off their headlamps ready to walk. “Wait! Is that the Toyota?” The two officers got out of their car, flashlights in one hand, the others resting on their pistols. It seemed to be the girl’s car. Her purse was still in it and her cell phone on the ground nearby.
The two men kept walking, approaching the doorstep of the creepy old house. Weeds had taken over the stairs now. Browne motioned for Cruz to go around back while he went through the front. The front door wasn’t locked.
Cruz cautiously stepped around the back of the house trying to not step on any twigs to make a noise. He went in through a busted old window, landing in the kitchen. He met Browne in the lobby.
To the left, at the end of the hall there a soft glow of light. The two men approached, floor creaking beneath them. When they approached the lit room at the end of the hall they drew their guns and entered yelling, “Police!” The room was empty other than a small woman’s pink an black hoodie draped over a lone chair. The only other thing in that room was a lamp on the floor with no shade on it, giving off a harsh blinding light.
The officers scoured the rest of the building and called for backup to search the nearby road and fields. The GPS had been turned off on the phone making it impossible to ping and locate. The last known location was this house.
For three weeks volunteers from the community led that search, stapling posters of a smiling innocent Keisha in her favorite pink and black hoodie. No one had heard or seen anything. Leads went nowhere and the trail simply grew cold.
Donna and Chloe tried their best to keep it together although a large piece of them was now missing. Chloe was still trying to get ready for college but had major hesitations about leaving her mom. She had been accepted with honors to the Sciences program. Her plan was to become a microbiologist and Keisha would have been the mathematician, always with her stats. God, Chloe missed her sister, the pain weighed so heavy on her heart. That night she cried herself to sleep and dreamt about Keisha.
Keisha tied to a chair, being beaten, abused, starved, or worse. Keisha’s colorless face looking up at her through lake water with dead eyes. Keisha with worms and snakes coming out of her mouth and eyes. Keisha’s dismembered body being found in a suitcase somewhere. The nightmares were always the same. She figured she’d have them for the rest of her life.
Eight months later. Chloe’s home making dinner for her and her mother. While she waited for the lasagna to bake, she opened an app she hadn’t opened since shortly after her sister disappeared.
The bright light of CLICK opened with a video immediately playing. Right away she noticed messages that had gone unread for so long. She went through them one by one. Friends sending their love and regards. Sending prayers to the family. She was even tagged in a few videos made by fellow creators discussing the case, still trying to find answers.
When she got near the bottom of her message list. There it was. KeishaKittyKat0604😸 with a video attached. Only the video was dated three months ago. Chloe’s heart raced as she opened it not knowing to shout for her mother or not first. The video was only 60 seconds long. You see a dark warehouse with one light on, no lampshade. A male voice is heard, “Welcome to the show Chloe, by the way… You will NEVER find her.” He followed that up with a loud obnoxious, bordering on maniac laugh. The video ends with one close-up large brown bloodshot eye and, “I see you…”
Chloe dropped the phone.

Keisha woke up to the sound of her phone blaring WAP. It may be as filthy a bop as it gets but as far as alarms go, this one actually perked her up in the morning. Like most 16 (almost 17!) year old girls, the first thing she did in the morning was check her socials and throw a 15 second vid out into the world. Filter : cat ears. Greeting : peace, love, and good vibes from KeishaKittyKat0604😸. As routine as brushing her teeth and getting dressed for the day.
Despite the school’s strict no-cellphone policy, Keisha was able to surreptitiously check her socials between classes - or in class, if it was math. She was already on a calculus level when the rest of her class was struggling with algebra. Makeup trends, dances, true crime stories, she had her favourites. She was also a whiz with analytics, which was as much fun as the content itself.
By the time the final bell sounded, Keisha was on her way home to go spend more time on her phone. Extra-curriculars weren’t an option. “We don’t have money for that!” became such a repetition that she didn’t even bother to ask her parents anymore. Not like they noticed. They were too busy fighting.
Her parents always fought but it had gotten much worse lately. It turns out that grown ups use social media too, but they tended to use it for airing the family’s dirty laundry. Embarrassing. Most nights now ended with raised voices and slamming doors. Her sister, Chloe, was two years older than her and often just cranked up her music. Megan Thee Stallion, Rico Nasty, Playboi Carti, King Von...Chloe only liked the freshest of the fresh on her playlists. Keisha would sometimes tag team content with her sister. They had some good sibling rivalry happening on social media. Everyone knew they were sisters. Keisha always reminded Chloe that she had way more followers, but it was all in good fun. They were pretty tight and often tagged one another in videos and posts.
The videos were a good distraction from the fact that their world was falling apart around them.
It was a Friday night when their Dad finally packed up his tattered suitcases and left the house.
That’s the night Keisha went live to pour her heart out to her followers. She received the usual love and support she was used to getting from half a world away. A few new people joined the live stream but one name stood out. DemiGod666 😈. Keisha found it hard to believe they’d have anything in common. “What if they listen to like, Marilyn Manson? Ew.” It just made her uncomfortable. Mixed in with names like PinkPixie99 and Fairy_Felicia, it just seemed out of place. After she told her her followers what just happened at home, she let them know she’ll likely be making some different type of content to take her mind off things. “Drop you suggestions in comments Guys, I need something different to take my mind off all this crap. Have a good night fam.” She flashed the peace sign, offered a pout and ended her stream.
She joined Chloe in their shared bathroom. Time to scrape off the day’s makeup. They’d usually talk about their videos, cute boy followers that slid in their DMs, giggle and sing. Tonight was different though. The mood was somber. Chloe didn’t even have music playing on her phone. Just silence.
“How was your night? Did you go out?” Keisha broke the silence.
“I did for a little while. Me and Jasmine went over to Darrell’s house but then the boys showed up and it got boring so we jetted. You?” Chloe answered.
“Nah, I just stayed home in case Mum needed anything. She hasn’t gotten out of bed much today. I got her to eat some toast and tea after school, but she just went back to bed. Didn’t want dinner. I just made some KD. You should see her hair right now. Don’t think she’s showered in a few days,” Keisha said.
Chloe responded, “I know. She looks awful. I feel so bad for her. I’m really mad at Dad right now, I really don’t want to see him but he says he wants to see us this weekend. Ugh.” She wrinkled her nose.
“He's still our Dad.” Keisha reminded her sister.
“Whatevs, let me be in my feelings right now,” Chloe retorted.
Chloe wasn’t one to hide her anger. She was a bit of a hot head. Typical Aries. They both recently watched a video that explained the traits of the zodiac signs. Chloe was her birth sign through and through. Keisha was a Gemini - she thought meant that she had this deep dual personality, but the video she watched said that she’s simply addicted to drama. Touché.
Keisha went to bed, face lit by her phone as she checked her stats and messages. Over 110 000 followers and counting. One comment suggested she start doing some scary videos as part of a little series. Like dare videos. Keisha always saw herself as being pretty tough and she enjoyed the creepy side of the internet. She liked true crime stories and scary movies. She watched all those paranormal shows where the people hunt ghosts with special equipment.
She let the idea roll around in her head, coming up with scenarios while she drifted off into an unrestful sleep.
A few of her followers suggested she partake in some 3:00am ghost hunting challenges where she and her sister would play with a spirit board and various apps on her phone. They played Charlie Charlie, which caused both girls to scream and end the video. The creepier the content she shared, the more followers and comments she got. It was a rush. She went deeper. Keisha was aware of a new trending app that mixed adventure, creepiness, and coincidence. As long as you believed…
Rando-Journey insisted that the user try to “manifest” their end result. Want to find money? See a dog? A colour? Think hard, set your intention and then generate a location through the app. The girls started small. “Show me purple,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes. This was one step above a child’s treasure hunt. She was sure she had better ways to spend her time right now. The app generated a location, and off they went.
They walked mere blocks before arriving at the location. The girls looked around and saw nothing but streetlights, a SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING sign, and the bus stop they used to use in elementary school. This was their neighborhood and they knew there was nothing purple around here. Chloe sucked her tongue, aggravated at the waste of her time when Keisha spun her around.
“Remember that tall-ass hedge around the property behind the bus stop?! We always wondered what was behind those bushes!”, she hissed.
Chloe nodded in the affirmative. And then she saw it.
What was once a thick, some-type-of-evergreen-looking hedge that completely disguised what lay in the offing was gone. Nothing but sawdust, and stumps that suggested whoever cut them down was a chainsaw rookie.
And a purple house.
How had they not noticed that before.
Keisha was pumped. Chloe was not.
“So someone bought the property, painted the house purple, and cut down the hedges. So?”, she said.
“It’s still purple.” Keisha said firmly.
Chloe knew her sister was right.
Subsequent journeys manifested a friendly dog, a not-so-friendly cat, and $40. Keisha figured they could have just manifested the chicken nuggets they bought with the money to skip a step, but Chloe reminded her that this way they got the nuggs - and got to keep the change.
The girls became more and more detached from reality as they spent almost all of their waking time online interacting with strangers. Retreating into their bedrooms more and more, the house itself became a ghost.
Struggling to fall asleep as ideas for new videos ran through Keisha lay in bed struggling to sleep, with ideas running through her head like a freight train. 2:14am. It was Friday night so there was no school in the morning. She sent Chloe a text.
K: 3 a.m. Rando-Journey? 🧭
C: Dude. No. Too tired. Tomorrow.
K: Pffffft. Sneak out with me? TONS OF VIEWS GUARANTEED ☠️
C: 😴😴
They had agreed when it came down to these adventures that they would never do it alone. An anxious Keisha broke the rules that night.
She carefully grabbed the car keys off the table downstairs, and left quietly through the back door. She had just passed her driving test making it legal for her to drive, although she was supposed to have a licensed driver in the vehicle with her. She drove down the street out of sight and parked. She had her iPad for the app to generate coordinates while she filmed inside her car. She hit the “Live” button.
“Ok Guys, so I’m going on a Rando-Journey, I know, I know, I’m by myself but my sister was being a wuss so…” She gestured to her virtual audience. “I’m going to document everything and take you all with me.” She proceeded to warn the hundreds of people slowly joining her live not to be stupid and do it alone. “I just feel confident tonight guys, I’m going to be careful don’t worry. I have my pepper spray with me. You like the 3am challenges so much that I thought, why not go on a late night Rando-Journey and see what happens.” She continued, “Tonight,” she spoke aloud, “show us something unexpected, no death, I don’t wanna die or anything, but show us something unexpected.”
A few moments later she had her coordinates, which she shared with her viewers. She narrated while driving, pausing only briefly to pull over and respond to comments. Some viewers were saying that they knew the general area she was in. Some people recognized a few landmarks nearby. Then she saw him again. DemiGod666 😈💀💀. He had added a couple of skulls. She never interacted with him, he never commented. She just all of a sudden felt a quiver of unease go through her. She knew she was being watched by more than a thousand viewers but this time, she actually felt like she was being watched.
The coordinates led her to what felt like the end of the earth. The pavement dropped off and all of a sudden she was on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Alone. It was then that Keisha concluded that this may not have been the wisest of choices.
“Guys, I’m a little creeped out right now, I’m not gonna lie. This road is so bumpy and dark. Ooof, my mother is gonna kill me if I bottom out in her car.” It was right about then that an old abandoned house came into view. Now, Keisha and Chloe grew up in this area their entire life. They’ve driven everywhere and thought they knew all of the abandoned creepy places in town. So how did this, too, not end up on their radar?
“Looks like an old abandoned farm house guys. This is unexpected most def. Chloe and I have lived here our whole lives and we’ve never seen this place before. Never knew this road even existed. I brought some gear, let me grab my flashlight.” She looked into the camera on her phone when she saw a shape coming up behind her. She felt something hit her hard on the back of her head, everything went black. The livestream cut out.
Chloe woke up to her phone buzzing with notifications. She tried to ignore it, thinking one of her videos must have just gotten a lot of hits. She looked at the time. 3:44am. The notifications kept coming and she got a sinking feeling in her stomach.
They were all notifications from “CLICK”, her video app. They weren’t notifications though, they were DMs.
Something happened to Keisha! Exclaimed one user. Someone’s got Keisha. Another user. Call the police now! A regular viewer. Call the cops, I recognize that area. Another user in their circle. I think I may know where that house is. From Pixie_Girl19, which was not just a random user but a friend of theirs from school.
Chloe’s heart raced as she checked her sister’s empty room with its unmade bed and then dashed into her mother’s room shaking her awake. “Mom, something’s happened to Keisha, she went LIVE and people are saying something happened to her”, Chloe blurted out. “We need to call the police.”
In that instant, Donna sprang out of bed and threw on some clothes, all while dialing 911. Chloe hadn’t seen her mother move that fast since she tried to do one of the girls’ dance videos with them - the time she popped her knee out and had to stop.
Within minutes it seemed the police were knocking on the door. Chloe pulled up her CLICK app and hit the LIVE button.
“Ok Guys, I need your help, I need to know what happened during Keisha’s Live. Fill me in, the police are here now and we need to find her.” She pleaded on the screen. A few eyeball emoticons started popping up in the video.
“She was driving down the old highway that cuts off near Elmsdale,” advised one user. “She was heading north towards the old Oak pass,” another person chimed in. Chloe was watching the comments closely and relaying the info to the police officers at the same time. She heard them radio an alert for the area, and a BOLO for Donna’s Toyota.
“I think she could be at the abandoned Fairclough Mansion, I’m almost sure of it. Someone came up behind her and hit over the back of the head. She’s gotta be there!” Thank you, Pixie_Girl19.
The police sped off to investigate. Officer Browne and his partner Cruz responded first and found the old road that led to the Fairclough property.
“Man this place has grown wild over the years,” remarked Officer Browne. They parked further down and turned off their headlamps ready to walk. “Wait! Is that the Toyota?” The two officers got out of their car, flashlights in one hand, the others resting on their pistols. It seemed to be the girl’s car. Her purse was still in it and her cell phone on the ground nearby.
The two men kept walking, approaching the doorstep of the creepy old house. Weeds had taken over the stairs now. Browne motioned for Cruz to go around back while he went through the front. The front door wasn’t locked.
Cruz cautiously stepped around the back of the house trying to not step on any twigs to make a noise. He went in through a busted old window, landing in the kitchen. He met Browne in the lobby.
To the left, at the end of the hall there a soft glow of light. The two men approached, floor creaking beneath them. When they approached the lit room at the end of the hall they drew their guns and entered yelling, “Police!” The room was empty other than a small woman’s pink an black hoodie draped over a lone chair. The only other thing in that room was a lamp on the floor with no shade on it, giving off a harsh blinding light.
The officers scoured the rest of the building and called for backup to search the nearby road and fields. The GPS had been turned off on the phone making it impossible to ping and locate. The last known location was this house.
For three weeks volunteers from the community led that search, stapling posters of a smiling innocent Keisha in her favorite pink and black hoodie. No one had heard or seen anything. Leads went nowhere and the trail simply grew cold.
Donna and Chloe tried their best to keep it together although a large piece of them was now missing. Chloe was still trying to get ready for college but had major hesitations about leaving her mom. She had been accepted with honors to the Sciences program. Her plan was to become a microbiologist and Keisha would have been the mathematician, always with her stats. God, Chloe missed her sister, the pain weighed so heavy on her heart. That night she cried herself to sleep and dreamt about Keisha.
Keisha tied to a chair, being beaten, abused, starved, or worse. Keisha’s colorless face looking up at her through lake water with dead eyes. Keisha with worms and snakes coming out of her mouth and eyes. Keisha’s dismembered body being found in a suitcase somewhere. The nightmares were always the same. She figured she’d have them for the rest of her life.
Eight months later. Chloe’s home making dinner for her and her mother. While she waited for the lasagna to bake, she opened an app she hadn’t opened since shortly after her sister disappeared.
The bright light of CLICK opened with a video immediately playing. Right away she noticed messages that had gone unread for so long. She went through them one by one. Friends sending their love and regards. Sending prayers to the family. She was even tagged in a few videos made by fellow creators discussing the case, still trying to find answers.
When she got near the bottom of her message list. There it was. KeishaKittyKat0604😸 with a video attached. Only the video was dated three months ago. Chloe’s heart raced as she opened it not knowing to shout for her mother or not first. The video was only 60 seconds long. You see a dark warehouse with one light on, no lampshade. A male voice is heard, “Welcome to the show Chloe, by the way… You will NEVER find her.” He followed that up with a loud obnoxious, bordering on maniac laugh. The video ends with one close-up large brown bloodshot eye and, “I see you…”
Chloe dropped the phone.

Anyone know that zombie movie where one of the characters was a mute girl that speaks with emoticons (not emojis) and a zombie where he speaks with his inside voice
I can remember the details:
The movie opens up with a zombie walking through talking about how he still got his consciousness and wanders around a mall then he meets this survivor lady. He then attempts to rescue the lady by spraying his blood all over her to stop from other zombies biting her. Then another character gets introduced, a police officer out of a coma looking for his son since he got hit in the head by a baseball. He then discovers that his son is a host of a club where then his wife gets bitten in the chest.
Things go blurry over in the middle but I remember the near end having them weed out in a barn of some old couple with their niece. Then the cure gets announced and so they spray the zombies with the cure. The end becomes some couple kissing(the son of the police officer and the mute girl, the niece and one of the survivors, the zombie from the start gets healed and lady survivor) and all that.
I swear it's not Warm Bodies and I most likely watched it before Shaun of the Dead. I can't seem to put my finger on it.
If anyone knows the title That would be very appreciated, cheers!

hi everyone
this is gonna be a long post with multiple parts and discussion points, pick and choose what you’d like to talk about, this is not everything going on with me but its the most prominent issues that ive learned to recognize (though i can almost never catch myself);
my name is u/lamotrigator, i recently started lamotrigine because my psychiatrist suggested bipolar as a possible diagnosis
im going to explain my “story” as background context but condensed: - got hit like a train by depression at age 13/14 which lead to hospitalization (tried to OD on Abilify)

• before hospitalization i had some strange and wild behavior such as holding a knife (not a sharp one, i think it was a butter knife) at my twin brother because he made me so mad for whatever reason, something dumb probably, but i cant remember this point in my life very well.
  
• lots of sudden out of nowhere self harm and weeks of suicidal thoughts and plans prior to hospitalization.
  
• ended up switching to a new antidepressant (sertraline). i didn’t stay on it for more than a year and didn’t really have a reason why i wanted to quit and don’t remember much like i said
  
• senior year of highschool was very much a blur of school -> sports -> homework -> games until late into the night every night
  
• after graduating i went to university and experienced freedom in the first time in my life, leading to originally alcohol abuse, binge drinking on every weekend or sometimes weeknights. i still would spend hours and hours a day on schoolwork (mainly Calculus II) and, at the time, i felt very healthy and normal besides constant stress from school and my awful roommates. i would walk across campus every time i felt like drinking to a friends place, drop money on cheap liquor, and go at it. not sure if this was a freedom/regular university thing, or what
  
• during this time, i continued holding a 3.8 GPA, getting a job as a tutor, trying to start several bands, creating a club where i teach workshops on programming, making as many new friends as possible, playing on a esports team for the school, staying up super late, avoiding riding the bus because i for some reason wanted to walk to class even though each one was very far, personal programming projects i give up on money because i was over my head in terms of the scale of the project etc. basically stretching myself so thin that i honestly am surprised when i write down everything i do (all of this is ongoing, im graduating in 2 semesters hopefully.)
  
• i would be very irritable, offended, make rash social decisions and outbursts including in one class at the start of my freshman semester (yelling at random people for not doing their own work for no reason, i was very mad) which almost drove a good friend away who witnessed this
  
• at the end of my sophomore year i still felt like i should go back on antidepressants because thats what i was diagnosed with (extreme depression, some disorder describing my weird “unpredictable” anger and irritability as well as being extremely offended and instantly spiral into sadness
  
• after i was on sertraline again (May 2020->Aug 2020) i realized that i dont think ‘normally’. i also started smoking weed daily and picked vaping back up. i ended up going off after talking with my psychiatrist briefly and am now trying lamotrigine currently on a low 50mg.
  

ok autobiography out of the way
now to my current problems/situation:
my girlfriend of 9 months has been telling me for months (slowly getting worse) that i am extremely easily offended (she put it as my parents would sadly, overly-sensitive), this means quick to irrational anger, sadness, self isolation, blah blah blah you guys know about this from what ive read on here.
this is when i first noticed something was not normal about my thoughts. almost every single thing anyone says i over analyze. for example, someone saying ‘excuse me’ could make me think i’m in the way and theyre angry and i immediately respond ‘sorry’ sadly and move out of the way maybe even out of the room. this extends into normal conversations including in person, friends, Discord/online, text (oh god texts suck, especially when people dont use emojis or emoticons, i REALLY overanalyze and its impossible to figure out emotions), etc. i just can never no matter what take words at face value and just relax.
from this i realized my extreme mood shifts are not a regular shared experience among people and im the only one sitting there thinking about every word that was said and trying to find underlying meaning, usually hostile meaning towards myself or others.
i also realized im not really depressed, im in a weird state where i get stuff done and i cant stop thinking about doing things/whats happening/what i should do/what i want to do/everything i can possibly think of in a 5 span time period. i will lay in bed, not because i am loathing doing things, but because i have so much i need to do that i cant stop thinking about it and how much time it will all take and deciding between stuff i think i should do vs what i should do (work on a game im making for hours then smoke and play a game vs eating food for ex.) its like my mind is reading a decision tree and going through what i need to do in my head
my main current issues are all of that on top of me not knowing how long these symptoms have been happening because i cant remember when they started, let alone what i did last night (i can remember big pictures of things i did recently but if someone asks me to go into detail it takes awhile to remember everything, almost like my mind is repressing what i did.) i dont remember when i last felt fully depressed but i know its happened several times in my life (like i talked about when i was hospitalized).
my memory affects me knowing if i took my medicine (i got an app now), what i said to people, plans ive made, homework, work, my club, etc. i solve a lot of this via sticky notes and reminders but sometimes a reminder will pop up and i forget entirely i made it. biggest issue is double booking plans and my girlfriend saying things i said id do but i forget i said it because i was feeling very ‘plan-makey’ and excited at the time
i also have bad issues with cleaning and other things. when i moved home this summer i cleaned years and years of outgrown clothes and my closet which i havent cleaned since i was 13. this took 6/7 hours of straight work (i also moved myself back in and without help on ANY of this.) afterwards i drove to the dump 20 minutes away and dumped all the trash bags (and donated) myself.
i do this in other times too, for example, after hanging out with friends, even at someone else’s place, i clean up after and during, i used to not care about mess and my room used to be super messy. i originally chalked this up as a new OCD symptom but sounds like mania to me now; this seems to be related to how i sometimes will forego eating and showering to do things, even useless stuff. especially games or homework or programming or seeing friends (calling friends late at night to hang out)
i have trouble understanding my own emotions
i will get stuck on doing something and will get mad or stressed or sad if it didn’t go my way. this couples with wanting to buy useless stuff, try/start things i shouldnt, and high sex drive (sometimes its 0 but other times 100) to cause a perfect storm of trying/wanting to do things like buying an apple watch at 9:30 when Walmart stops letting customers in at 9:40 and im 25 minutes away and then being ANGRY and thinking about just running in/yelling/crying and i cant get my mind off of it until its done or im onto something new
an example situation of everything culminating together was the other night:
i wanted to have sex with my girlfriend and one time she mentioned she would enjoy it if i shaved. so at 2 am after being high from hanging out with friends before i shaved everything down there. at 3 i showered, watched videos, then slept. the next day i went to her house and tried to make advances, she turned them down bc she has low sex drive and i got into such a funk that i didn’t even know what i was sad/irritable/angry about. this lasted from 8ish pm until 3 am when i walked from the couch back into her room and went to bed. that night i wanted to kill myself and when i woke up i felt like i was in a limbo state. we argued the whole night mainly her being confused and me saying things like i was on crazy backwards autopilot.
i also have periods of dissociation especially when doing mundane tasks and my mind is racing. this is coupled with how i have felt unreal and like im watching my life replayed. i feel like i basically have no choice in my actions and i’ve not been myself for an undetermined amount of time.
going from thinking i’m as smart or talented as people like Da Vinci and that i’m going to get unrealistic internships to thinking everyone hates me and i’m better off sitting in my room alone making zero noise and not even wanting to leave it for food has been making me want to get off life’s silly ride for weeks.
i cant tell if im experiencing hypomania/mania or if its my original diagnosis of severe depression, severe GAD, and OCD. i want to see if other people are currently going through this, it feels like my entire life was a movie and i cant remember how the characters were feeling and i want to know what i can do to help me not only figure out for sure if this is bipolar, but also coping techniques.
i cant tell what i have because i second guess everything and think im lying about my symptoms to myself and am making my brain think these ways. i dont feel stable in every area in life and am constantly worried about my relationship falling apart due to a rash sentence or bad life decisions.
my grandma had a horribly debilitating case of Bipolar I and basically ruined her life from it. i have been subconsciously blocking the idea out of my head for years that i might have bipolar because of her. i didnt wanna be like her. but if i do have it then i know for a fact im strong enough and smart enough to get better with therapy and medicine and a great support group from my girlfriend and friends. it sucks not knowing who is your friend and who isnt due to my brain but i know that, just like with anything, i can learn how to beat it.
thanks for reading if you got this far, i love you for that.
edit: i also sometimes have issues with hallucinations, normally auditory, i think people are talking about me behind closed doors and sometimes, rarely, i can hear a voice but its short and usually at most 2 times when it happens.

I had never posted anything in this or any other forum. However, according to recent events, not being able to leave my house because I am pregnant (where I live there is a high incidence of COVID cases) and not having the resources to pay a therapist (Ive done therapy many times), I urgently need to speak with someone empathetic In this situation.
It's been about 10 days since I blocked my dad.
A little context ... My dad has been a "functional alcoholic" since before I was born. His routine was to leave for work at 6:45 am and return at approximately 3:30, already with some drinks on top that he got at the hotel restaurant where he worked. From there it was to get home and have another strong drink or two, and the rest of the afternoon to finish at least 2 bottles of wine and weed. In addition to this it has always been handled under the "law of minimum effort" for everything. Never in his life did he leave his comfort place to do something for his family. That is to say, he did not drive or take us anywhere, he did not like going to the movies so we never went or at least not with him, he never took us to a friend's house, etc. If we tried to do some family activity and pushed him to get involved he would get mad and end up yelling at us. Basically no other activity ever apart from drinking in his bedroom and watching tv and watching tv from 3 pm to 9 pm and falling asleep from drinking and smoking weed. We asked him to get help constantly. Never did, never tried. When I was 15 years old, I took all the bottles away from the house to help him. He stopped for a while then started again.
He always complained that there was no money, but he didn't stop buying alcohol or tried looking for another way to get ahead (my mom also worked, I even worked on my weekends since I was 15 ). The cars were always broken due to lack of maintenance, his mother (my grandmother) has always been and to this day continues to support him with money which is spent on him or mismanaged. He never paid my insurance for medical expenses my grandmother did. Also 80% of my university costs, etc. All my life was my grandmother. And when I moved in with who is now my husband at 22 years old, I was left without health insurance (while still in college) for making that decision. He never even asked or worried that I didn't have health insurance. Before that I actually kept to myself that I got a little job that payed me $200 usd a month , so he wouldn’t use it as an excuse to stop sending me money while I finished the last semester of my career. Before this, I had committed the big mistake of telling him I got some savings from working at the mall on my weekends, and he tried to manipulate me into giving my money to him so I could help with the expenses of the house one summer. (I didn’t even live with them since 18 that I went off to university)
If you had to ask for money for something, happened 1 of 2 things:

1. If it was money to go out or entertainment (15 usd or so to see friends, etc ), he would tell us things like "but if I just gave you x amount " without it being true, to see how we reacted and if he had forgotten that he gave us some money recently.
2. If they were "larger" amounts for whatever it was, he said NO , there was a lot of drama, screaming, fights, bad manners. After all that drama, if there was no option, he ended up giving in.

The screaming was always present at home, from both parents. But on his part much more, and more aggressively. Any dissagrement called for bad reactions, screaming, bad manners, slamming doors, etc. You could hear my parents fighting blocks away from my house.
They finally got divorced about 7 years ago. I have been there for him at all times. I have always tried, I have worried about his alcoholism, He continues to yell at me and (and I at him or I just hang up). Its been almost 3 years since he went to live in another state, he lives in my grandmother's house “taking care of her” so he doesn’t work, doesn’t go out, he uses her money, and he has no interest in his 3 children or in anything but himself. The most he does is send a WhatsApp message in the morning saying hi, not asking about anything or anyone, and that's it. And for him to do that,took me years of being behind him telling him that he had to be more in contact with his children, and trying to mediate his relationship with my brothers. Before that we could not hear from him in weeks or a couple of months.
All my life I have felt that I have to worry about him, endure his yelling, machism, uncomfortable jokes, infinite arrogance, intimidation, emotional manipulation. I have anxiety and gastritis since I was a child, and the last few years I have been behind him so that he is more in touch, worried about his alcoholism, his chronic depression, his properties which are legally in chaos (and he doesn’t do anything to solve it and keeps all related information from us even though I work in Real Estate), the fact that he does not have any type of medical insurance, life insurance or anything. Every time I want to talk about this or any important matter, he ends up screaming at me in mistreating me.
Now I am pregnant, 31 years old. In 2 and a half months I will have my first child. Apart on how he acts on money he has ALWAYS acted as if he’s always been there for us. He ALWAYS told us that he would be there no matter what economically and emotionally. We know that’s not true, but 15 days ago I told him that I was going through a very bad time economically and emotionally due to the current situation of COVID. We could lose our house, couldn’t pay the water bill, losing our jobs, paying a mortgage, first baby on the way,etc. Immediately the conversation turned to him and he started yelling at me about other things that were not even related to me. I hung up on him. He apologized for whatsapp (as always, minimal effort) to which I replied to leave me alone and that I did not want any support from him. He replied with an “ im sorry I adore you ok” plus an emoticon blowing a kiss. That week he wrote me messages of “hello, how are you today?” DAILY at 7:30 am. As if nothing was wrong, and of course he didn’t ask about how I was dealing with any of my problems at the moment ever again or tried to continue with any kind of conversation.
A week later, he asked me if I knew something about my sister because she doesn't answer his calls (I knew that in addition to me, he was in a fight with my brother and my sister as well) and I told him that I had just talk to her, and that he knew perfectly why my sister did not answer him. Again asking him to Stop getting me involved.
From there he started with excuses and nonsense. So finally, I blocked him.
I am at a point where I want peace in my life, I don't want to bring my family's vicious cycles and toxicity home. Yesterday he tried to dial my husband to tell him that he was calling to see how I was and that he had the "2,500 usd" (never asked him for that or any amount of money, and I actually told him I didn’t wanted a penny from him after how he acted) . I deblocked him for a moment to tell him not to write to my husband ever again and to no get him involved. Then he began writing exactly what he thinks I wanted to hear, that HE could not be without talking to me (chased him for years to be more in touch), He adored me, and would make an effort, that he almost got the money, etc. etc. (Manipulation/honeymoon phase.) And at the end he writes what he wants to say to my sister using me again to mediate and tell her. I didnt respond, just blocked him again on my phone.
I don't want a person like that in my life. Ignorant, Embarassing, Agressive, alcoholic, extremly arrogant, dramatic, anything is enough to make him yell at you. There is no topic of conversation at all. There is no empathy, no REAL interest or preoccupation for his family, no emotional support. There is no financial stability in him, and money was ALWAYS a problem and controlled by him (my mom actually saved money behind his back for us). I have always cared more about him than he about me. I have ALWAYS been aware of him. Every time he calls me he causes me tension, anxiety, depression and worry. My mom has some narcissistic issues as well, but she has actually made a BIG change over the years, so Im still in touch with her and I even work with her.
I would love to know what you think and if I should continue with this toxic relationship or permanently remove it from my life once and for all. I feel like even if he changed now, Im no longer interested in that relationship, Im burned out and I want a new chapter inm y life, but at the same time I feel guilty and sad.
Sorry for the long post!
TL;DR: I blocked my (funtional alcoholic, mediocre, arrogant, disrespectful, abusive, narcissistic) dad on my phone and dont know if Im right about considering it a permanent solution for his toxicity towards me and my family
Edit: spelling

I had never posted anything in this or any other forum. However, according to recent events, not being able to leave my house because I am pregnant (where I live there is a high incidence of COVID cases) and not having the resources to pay a therapist, I urgently need to speak with someone empathetic In this situation.
It's been about 10 days since I blocked my dad.
A little context ... My dad has been a "functional alcoholic" since before I was born. His routine was to leave for work at 6:45 am and return at approximately 3:30, already with some drinks on top that he got at the hotel restaurant where he worked. From there it was to get home and have another strong drink or two, and the rest of the afternoon to finish at least 2 bottles of wine and weed. In addition to this it has always been handled under the "law of minimum effort" for everything. Never in his life did he leave his comfort place to do something for his family. That is to say, he did not drive or take us anywhere, he did not like going to the movies so we never went or at least not with him, he never took us to a friend's house, etc. If we tried to do some family activity and pushed him to get involved he would get mad and end up yelling at us. Basically no other activity ever apart from drinking in his bedroom and watching tv and watching tv from 3 pm to 9 pm and falling asleep from drinking and smoking weed. We asked him to get help constantly. Never did, never tried. When I was 15 years old, I took all the bottles away from the house to help him. He stopped for a while then started again.
He always complained that there was no money, but he didn't stop buying alcohol or tried looking for another way to get ahead (my mom also worked, I even worked on my weekends since I was 15 ). The cars were always broken due to lack of maintenance, his mother (my grandmother) has always been and to this day continues to support him with money which is spent on him or mismanaged. He never paid my insurance for medical expenses my grandmother did. Also 80% of my university costs, etc. All my life was my grandmother. And when I moved in with who is now my husband at 22 years old, I was left without health insurance (while still in college) for making that decision. He never even asked or worried that I didn't have health insurance. Before that I actually kept to myself that I got a little job that payed me $200 usd a month , so he wouldn’t use it as an excuse to stop sending me money while I finished the last semester of my career. Before this, I had committed the big mistake of telling him I got some savings from working at the mall on my weekends, and he tried to manipulate me into giving my money to him so I could help with the expenses of the house one summer. (I didn’t even live with them since 18 that I went off to university)
If you had to ask for money for something, happened 1 of 2 things:

1. If it was money to go out or entertainment (15 usd or so to see friends, etc ), he would tell us things like "but if I just gave you x amount " without it being true, to see how we reacted and if he had forgotten that he gave us some money recently.
   
2. If they were "larger" amounts for whatever it was, he said NO , there was a lot of drama, screaming, fights, bad manners. After all that drama, if there was no option, he ended up giving in.
   

The screaming was always present at home, from both parents. But on his part much more, and more aggressively. Any dissagrement called for bad reactions, screaming, bad manners, slamming doors, etc. You could hear my parents fighting blocks away from my house.
They finally got divorced about 7 years ago. I have been there for him at all times. I have always tried, I have worried about his alcoholism, He continues to yell at me and (and I at him or I just hang up). Its been almost 3 years since he went to live in another state, he lives in my grandmother's house “taking care of her” so he doesn’t work, doesn’t go out, he uses her money, and he has no interest in his 3 children or in anything but himself. The most he does is send a WhatsApp message in the morning saying hi, not asking about anything or anyone, and that's it. And for him to do that,took me years of being behind him telling him that he had to be more in contact with his children, and trying to mediate his relationship with my brothers. Before that we could not hear from him in weeks or a couple of months.
All my life I have felt that I have to worry about him, endure his yelling, machism, uncomfortable jokes, infinite arrogance, intimidation, emotional manipulation. I have anxiety and gastritis since I was a child, and the last few years I have been behind him so that he is more in touch, worried about his alcoholism, his chronic depression, his properties which are legally in chaos (and he doesn’t do anything to solve it and keeps all related information from us even though I work in Real Estate), the fact that he does not have any type of medical insurance, life insurance or anything. Every time I want to talk about this or any important matter, he ends up screaming at me in mistreating me.
Now I am pregnant, 31 years old. In 2 and a half months I will have my first child. Apart on how he acts on money he has ALWAYS acted as if he’s always been there for us. He ALWAYS told us that he would be there no matter what economically and emotionally. We know that’s not true, but 15 days ago I told him that I was going through a very bad time economically and emotionally due to the current situation of COVID. We could lose our house, couldn’t pay the water bill, losing our jobs, paying a mortgage, first baby on the way,etc. Immediately the conversation turned to him and he started yelling at me about other things that were not even related to me. I hung up on him. He apologized for whatsapp (as always, minimal effort) to which I replied to leave me alone and that I did not want any support from him. He replied with an “ im sorry I adore you ok” plus an emoticon blowing a kiss. That week he wrote me messages of “hello, how are you today?” DAILY at 7:30 am. As if nothing was wrong, and of course he didn’t ask about how I was dealing with any of my problems at the moment ever again or tried to continue with any kind of conversation.
A week later, he asked me if I know something about my sister because she doesn't answer his calls (I knew that in addition to me, he was in a fight with my brother and my sister as well) and I told him that I had just talk to her, and that he knew perfectly why my sister did not answer him. Again asking him to Stop getting me involved.
From there he started with excuses and nonsense. So finally, I blocked him.
I am at a point where I want peace in my life, I don't want to bring my family's vicious cycles and toxicity home. Yesterday he tried to dial my husband to tell him that he was calling to see how I was and that he had the "2,500 usd" (never asked him for that or any amount of money, and I actually told him I didn’t wanted a penny from him after how he acted) . I deblocked him for a moment to tell him not to write to my husband ever again and to no get him involved. Then he began writing exactly what he thinks I wanted to hear, that HE could not be without talking to me (chased him for years to be more in touch), He adored me, and would make an effort, that he almost got the money, etc. etc. (Manipulation/honeymoon phase.) And at the end he writes what he wants to say to my sister using me again to mediate and tell her. I didnt respond, I just blocked him.again on my phone
I don't want a person like that in my life. Ignorant, Embarassing, Agressive, alcoholic, extremly arrogant, dramatic, anything is enough to make him yell at you. There is no topic of conversation at all. There is no empathy, no REAL interest or preoccupation for his family, no emotional support. There is no financial stability in him, and money was ALWAYS a problem and controlled by him (my mom actually saved money behind his back for us). I have always cared more about him than he about me. I have ALWAYS been aware of him. Every time he calls me he causes me tension, anxiety, depression and worry. My mom has some narcissistic issues as well, but she has actually made a BIG change over the years, so Im still in touch with her and I even work with her.
I would love to know what you think and if I should continue with this toxic relationship or permanently remove it from my life once and for all. I feel like even if he changed now, Im no longer interested in that relationship, Im burned out and I want a new chapter inm y life, but at the same time I feel guilty and sad.
Sorry for the long post!
TL;DR: I blocked my (funtional alcoholic, mediocre, arrogant, disrespectful, abusive, narcissistic) dad on my phone and dont know if Im right about considering it a permanent solution for his toxicity towards me and my family
Edit: spelling

Hello everyone and sorry for the long post but I think you need to know all the story to have a clear view.
5 years ago I came from a hard breakup (which was also my fault but at the very last I tried to recover but my previous gf had already moved on which at the time emotionally killed me, it took me almost a year but then I started going out and having fun, meeting a lot of girls etc. and I had promised myself that I would have continued that way, no more relationships in fear of suffering again) during my "fun time" I met a girl (23) when I was 25 in a bar, at the time I was a successful and world touring artist (I never got proof to this but I think she kinda knew), she approached me and we started talking and we had a very random but good conversation and exchanged numbers. We started texting until we went out together one night and we kissed. We kept on soft-dating for a month or so until I went to her place and we had sex. She said "my god you're also good at this" and after some days we were on her couch and she told me something like "am I yours?" and I said "I guess?" and she said "are you mine?" and I said "well yes..." (felt a bit forced to be honest but didn't wanna ruin the situation/feelings etc.) and she said "then it's like we're together?" and I said "yeah..." ... basically that's how I got officially together with her.
We kept on texting and seeing each other, she had university 6 hours away from here so every once in a while she had to leave for a week or so and we wouldn't see each other but kept on texting all the time, watching movies on skype together and having a great time talking. Based on what she told me in more recent times I was being the perfect boyfriend and she would have sworn she would have married me (had I stayed like that). All was perfect, to me she was very smart and also good looking, I was happy but I was trying to keep it chill because deep inside me I secretly knew I had suffered before and I was still emotionally affected by my previous ex.
Fast forward 6 months, I was minding my own business at home and I received a message from my previous ex: she told me that she read the letter that I wrote to her (I wrote it several months before even knowing the current girlfriend I had) and that she really appreciated what I wrote on it and letting me understand that she was thinking that maybe we could see each other again... I was blown away... The girl I had suffered for for 1 year had just written me a message and she was there for me, again. I didn't know what to do, I was so happy to hear from her but on the other hand I knew I got myself (tricked?) into another relationship.
At this point I start being confused and I start misbehaving with my current girlfriend by telling her that I'm not really sure if we should continue talking to each other because my ex wrote me and I was feeling something for it. At this point my mom comes into action and tells me to never dare leaving this wonderful girl I just met for the idiot ex that just wrote me. At this point I'm even more confused, I try to stick with my girlfriend but the feeling for my ex is stronger and stronger until I basically tell her that I don't wanna be with her anymore and that I wanna go see my ex girlfriend. So I met with my ex girlfriend but I realise she wasn't anymore the real love of my life. (Now I don't remember exactly the timing of this or how it exactly went because at the time I had also started smoking a lot of weed and my mind was fogged to say the least) somehow after a bit of time I tell to my (latest) girlfriend that I'm not so sure if I wanna go back with my ex and that I would stay with her, at first she was skeptical and refused but I convinced her that now I had my mind clear that it's her I want and no longer my ex.
She accepted and we stayed happily together for more months before I had another breakdown and started missing those "good old times" when I was going out and having fun and fucking a lot of girls, and I was so bad that I even told her things like "I don't wanna stay with you, I wanna go out and fuck all the girls, I miss fucking a lot of girls, go away etc". She was so in love with me that she suffered for this but tried to stay together with me but the more she tried to stay with me the least I wanted her and the more I told her stuff to make her go away. I was feeling the weight of her on my shoulders. It came the day that she finally went away. So I started going out again but I was seeing that it wasn't like before, I wasn't able to have fun or get a lot of girls as I used to but the weight of her was still on me so I was feeling fine without her.
A couple months go by and I start missing her so I wrote her again, obviously this time she was even more skeptical of coming back with me, so I went to her place and surprised her and she was being friendly but not wanting to come back with me, I insisted I told her I changed etc. and I convinced her again that this time I would stick with her.
We get back together, months go by and we're doing fine, at this point we've known each other for more than a year, until I had another breakdown for the same reason, I was missing those times of freedom and having fun with other girls etcetera and I tell her again I'm tired of this relationship and told her that I was gonna leave her. On the same night that I left her I hook up with one of the girls I used to fuck during my "freedom times".
(This is an important passage for the future of this story) my current girlfriend (at this point we're not together but I call her current girlfriend for the sake of understanding) somehow gets to know that I'm in a bar with this fuck-buddy and text me something like "I know where you are, I know what you're doing, you're disgusting". (I will reveal how she knew, later in the story).
Some days (or weeks) go by and I'm outside with a friend and I receive a text from my gf (ex)... just an emoticon... Inside of me I missed her so I was happy to receive it. She then asked me where I was and told me where she was, so we met up at this party and she told me that she was pregnant, I knew it wasn't true and she was joking/testing and I told her that I don't care that I'm happy now without her (even though it wasn't 100% true), I was so bad that it kinda make me feel good to emotionally hurt her. Anyway we kissed but I refused her again. A month or so go by and I randomly meet her at a party, she comes up to me and she started kissing me and I stayed, then we went home together she came to my place and we had sex.
We were back together again, but this time we tried to approach it more seriously, I admitted that I probably had some emotional problems and I went to a shrink trying to solve this. What the shrink told me basically is that I should have had more confidence in myself as a person and stop trying to find confirmation by fucking other girls and that I should stop being influenced by my mother that treated me like a baby.
Let me add that many times, I would have stayed in bed all day, feeling like depressed or something, and she would take her car and come to my place to make me get up and go out, and sometimes I just wouldn't and tell her to go away. Some months go by and at this point we've known each other for almost 2 years. We're together doing quite fine, and we decide to move away together. So we went living abroad together, thinking that going to live alone away from my mom would also help me solve the problem of being depressed in bed all day and actually start living.
So we have moved and 4 months go by living together, moments we're happy, moments less happy, and here I start again having troubles, (still smoking tons of weed) , at this point I need to clarify that I was working from home and she wasn't working, of course she was taking care of the house cleaning, cooking etcetera. but we were together in a house 24/7, plus I was lazy/stoned all the time so we barely went out even we she begged me to I often refused. During the time that we lived together I started not wanting to make love with her anymore because I was seeing her as a sister more than as a girlfriend more and more. She starts having anxiety problems, we have moments when we're happy together accompanied by moments when I would stay in bed all day because I was feeling like depressed or something again. I start telling her again that I miss going out and fucking all girls, that to me she's a sister not a girlfriend and things like this. We went on for 2 more months like this until it became unsustainable for her and she decided to leave and go back to her home-place in my total indifference. Let me mention that my fame at this point had went down and I wasn't as successful and touring as I was before. Also let me add that I was suffering (not appreciating) the fact that she was behaving almost like a mother to me, maybe taking too much care of me and the more she did that the more I let her did that.
During the time that we were living together my best friend said he was gonna come and meet us, and she also invited him. He bought flight tickets, we organised everything and on the very last day he pulls back and sends me a message with something like "your girlfriend is a bitch"
I was going crazy, I got super angry with him and ask why he would say such things, he said that he had fucked her several times when I had told her to go away from my house back where we lived, he told me that every time I treated her bad she would call him and go to his place and get naked and fuck him.
I told him to fuck off, I was not believing him, I didn't want to believe. And she denied.
Anyway she has now left my place to go back to her homeplace, I'm a couple months living alone, being super happy, I never felt happier, I feel the freedom again, I go out, party, meet girls etc. I was feeling a great positive vibe all around me.
That friend of mine anyway is still insisting that what he said was true, and also told it to my mom and gave her proof. At this point I start believing him.
Several months go by and I'm living alone but day by day I would start realising she was actually helpful in my life, preparing me dinners, being there when I needed someone etc... so I start kinda missing her, so I wrote to her and we started texting again from 1000 miles away and I invited her over for a couple days. She came but we didn't have sex because she said only couples do that and we're not a couple. I did not tell her I want her back though because quite soon enough I started feeling again that weight on my shoulders of having her around and after a couple days she went back to her home-place.
1 year go by, I'm living my life, moving house a couple times, going out but finding it very hard to get girls because I wasn't really interested or to be more honest I was feeling ashamed toward my gf (ex) like a strange feeling, like if she was always there behind me judging me interacting with other girls or like I was doing something bad to her. Anyway I try to "mute" this feeling and try to live my life just going out with friends but deep inside me I'm not happy at all. Deep inside me I miss her. I was missing that girl that had decided living her life with and for me. I star realising the importance and the miracle of finding someone that really cares about you, that is there for you 24/7 and I start realising that even your best friend in the end is just living his life, he's got his problems, his relationships, he's not part of your life as such a girlfriend would be. And I start missing her more and more but I try to go on, also because the last time she went away I had promised her to never contact her again because of the many times I had told her to fuck off and then went back looking for her. This time I take my responsibility, I suffer but I don't write her. That's what I keep repeating.
I kept repeating that to myself and tried to avoid any contact, I blocked her everywhere to not fall for it again wether it is for my or her respect I will not contact her as I promised. Anytime I would suffer for her I just said to myself: "karma". That was the karma making me pay for the way that I behaved with her and for not loving someone that was there for me.
6 more months go by and I had been living tough times, dealing with work problems, house problems etcetera and all the time I was thinking to myself how easy everything would have been had I have someone always by my side no matter what to love me and support me. I kept realising every day how of a miracle finding someone that love you it is. And after that I start realising how beautiful it is to be able to love someone, to give yourself to someone else, to love someone else to be there for someone when she needs you, go out together do stuff together. All things that I wasn't doing when I had her with me.
One night I'm out and I meet a friend of mine, I'm (un)happy doing my things and he tells me: "you know your ex hooked up with my friend?" (I also knew his friend and we met him years before also together with my girlfriend, he also is a successful and world touring artist). I got hit by that.
I started suffering for that. Probably the combination of the several months that I passed thinking how much I lost, the beauty and the miracle of having someone like her by my side and plus the thing that my friend told me I had a breakdown. I started thinking of ways I could do it to try and get her back but I knew I couldn't just write to her because I had promised her not to. I also knew there were no chances whatsoever that I would have bumped into her at 1,000 miles of distance.
I also started bringing all of what I understood in comparison to my mother that I had left there alone (my father died) for living my life abroad and that maybe she would have needed me next to her because life isn't forever and I started feeling bad for that too so I decided to move back.
So I go back to my home-place with my mom (and closer to my ex gf) but still I haven't contacted her, I'm trying real hard to stick to my promise of leaving her alone, thinking that maybe she's happy now and it's not my right to interfere with her life again after all I made her go through. I try real hard to see if this feeling I have goes away but it doesn't. Months go by and I start thinking: "what if she also misses me but she doesn't write me because she thinks that I'm happy without her and I don't want her" - what an opportunity of love are we both missing here? She was the one that taught and showed me what real love is, the importance of someone that lives her life for you. If there's anybody that deserves this "new me" it's her.
I start thinking that maybe I should just let her know that I miss her, just that. And if she also misses me maybe she's got the opportunity to know it and let me know back.
I wait a couple more months and then I decided to text her: "I miss you".
No replies.
I take it as an "I don't" and try to move on. At least now I let her know that I was there still missing her, if she did too she could have told me.
At that point I tried to move on, trying to stick with the promised I had made to her to leave her alone, but my bad feelings won't just go away. After 6 months I decided that maybe I should tell her all the truth, tell her what I thought during all this time and tell her that she was right all along.
So I wrote her a message, explaining how right she was in everything, how much I fucked up and how much I truly missed her. I told her that I understood the importance of everything etcetera (see above).
She replied and then she called me and she basically said with a friendly voice (she knew I was feeling really bad) that she appreciates what I said, I told her I would like to slowly start a relation with her again and that I'm changed thanks to her that I understood that fucking girls for fun is not what I want nor what I like and I'm ready to live the rest of my life with her.
She said that she believes me (more or less) but that she's not ready for a relationship now because she has exams to do and she's got big troubles to deal with. I told her ok and if that she doesn't want to hear again from me, fine, as long as she knew what I was really thinking and she still decides not to get back with me that's fine. I just wanted her to know this.
At that moment I felt euphoric, kinda free from all that I've kept inside me from such a long time and the fact alone that I heard her voice made me feel great. That night though I could not sleep because said to myself "did I really agree to not talk to her anymore? Was that the last time I talked to her?"
So the day after I called her back and I told her in a jokingly way "hey you know what, you tricked me! Hearing your voice was like a bump of cocaine, it made me feel so good that I would have agreed with anything you said but I'm not really fine to not talk with you anymore" - she laughed and she said that she had an idea, because from the past history we had we clearly could not get back together, she thought that maybe one solution would be if she kept being present to me, answering the phone and let me know what she was up to during the day, like if we were friends. I took the chance and I said ok let's be friends (of course that was not what I wanted but it seemed like a door to be opened).
Some weeks go by and we're messaging and I ask her to meet up for a simple drink, she at first said yea why not and the pulled back. I then tried to insist a bit and after a couple days I managed to get her out.
We went out we had a good laugh, I explained her again all that I had thought during that time and told her how right she was in everything and I then accompanied to her car. At the moment I was saying her goodnight she came in like to kiss me on the lips and she kinda did.
I went home all happy, thinking that there might be a chance. We kept on texting for several days and I asked her out again. She said "no because I don't want to start it all over, because I know myself, if I start dating with you again I know I will possibly fall in love with you again and I don't want it to happen"
Some weeks go by and it's my birthday, and she invited me for dinner. That was the best gift I could have wished for. We go out have dinner, but still in a "friendly" way. We kept on texting and going out every once in a while, slowly increasing the frequency and every time I tried to let her know my feelings, let her know I know I made many mistakes and how much I regret, she said it's good that I realised but she doesn't want me to think that she's coming back because she doesn't know what to do and she needs first to finish her exams and then she will probably decide.
We go out and we started kissing, I'm happy because it was a bad time for her and I'm able to bring her out and let her pass some nice days outside etcetera, she thanks me and I thank her back for letting me do that. The things seem to start going in a good direction but every once in a while she has a breakdown and tells me how much she doesn't trust me and she's afraid that if she gets back with me it would be nice for 6 months and then bad again.
We start going out basically as if we were together, we don't have sex but we travel abroad we sleep together and we kiss even have some foreplays but no sex. She starts telling me how much she's also been thinking about me all this time, how much she suffered when she went back home, but not only for me but mostly because of the problems there are in her family and that her mind is occupied thinking to those bigger problems and exams and maybe we will see how it goes between us when she's done with it.
5 months like this and I start suffering a lot from this situation of uncertainty, she tells me she maybe wants me but she doesn't know, she text me and calls me several times a day, we start seeing each other almost every day but she just wouldn't decide to get really involved in a relationship with me. A couple more months go by and also suggested by my friends I start telling her that if she just can't decide then maybe it's better I pull back let her go and when she decides what to do to come back and write me and I added that of course if she comes back in 2 years I could possibly have moved on. I was trying to apply some pressure on her to decide wether she wants to get back into a relationship with me or not. She says ok... and the day after she would write me random stuff.
It's harder than me but when she writes me bullshit or send me funny stuff I can't help but reply to her because maybe she just wanted someone to talk and I wanted to be there for her. This is only making it worse though because whenever I reply she goes on with funny stuff and then she tells me how much she doesn't know what to do etcetera. It's really hard for me to keep up with it because I suffer a lot of her not deciding or letting me know and I try real hard to be there for her but then she never talks about our relation or if she talks about it she says she doesn't know what to do and to give her time. So again my friends suggested me I should try to stick to her game and just be her friend. I tried to but it's hard for me. Also I'm worried that if I play her friend she gets used to me being her friend and she would only see me as a friend. I really want to get back to her.
Lately, before the coronavirus quarantine she started not wanting to see me as often, if I asked her out she would say "we're gonna meet tonight" and then pull back or invent excuses. I accepted it for a while and then I told her "let's do like this: I will no longer ask you out, whenever you want you will tell me, we decide a time and we stick to it". She said ok, and she barely asked me out again. Until one night that after waiting all day for her to ask me without her writing to me I decided to go out with my friends, she wrote me to go out and I told her "why you ask me now? I decided to go out with my friends, it's not like I can pass days sitting here waiting and hoping for you to ask me out and you never do, I'm also trying to live my life." She said that I could have asked her out and I explained her again that I had told her a while back because she would say yes and then pullback in case she forgot.
She started complaining and I spent more than one hour on the phone with her while I was at my friends' trying to talk with her and to know what she was gonna do with me, begging her to take a decision. She told me she was gonna go to a shrink to help her, and I told her that I wouldn't like a shrink to make her take a decision on me and she said she wasn't going for me but for her to help her solve the problems she developed from her family issues and once she got it clarified then maybe she had a clear mind to take a decision on our relationship.
At that point I knew it was another of her things that would go on months and months, it's not like you go to a shrink once and you know what to do, so I knew that meant that she would probably take a decision on us in several months to come.
I started telling her that I would stop writing to her and she should stop writing to me as long as she wants to see me and go out. Some days went by and she wasn't texting, she kind of pulled back. Every once in a while she would write me bullshit or funny stuff and there we were again. One day I told her ok, I'm gonna leave you alone, and she said the she doesn't want me to leave either.
Now we're quarantined for the virus, which I think is perfect for her because we cannot see each other for State laws plus she's fine in knowing that I also cannot go out and possibly see or get to know other girls (and I'm convinced that is playing a big part on this as she doesn't have anything to worry), so now she maybe calls me once every 4 or 5 days (when before we were texting/calling all day every day) and when she does she says she just wanted to know how I am and how my mom is doing. I asked her if she misses me because to me it doesn't like she misses me a lot and she jokingly replied that she only missed me if I was a cat... I said well I'm not a cat... and she said well then you have the answer... "so you don't miss me" I asked... and she said it's a delicate matter to just stay quiet for now...
So how should I behave? What should I do? I have a feeling this quarantine is getting her used not to seeing me frequently and this detached way she got now to only call me every once in a while is also getting her used to not talk with me.
I don't know if I should be the one calling or texting her because before the quarantine we remained that I would not write to her or she would not write to me as long as it is for agreeing on going out (but now we just can't).
Should I just lower my "attack" and start writing and calling her at least while this quarantine is over? Should I get her used to talking with me frequently?
She said she's getting used to this now and she seemed quite fine in staying home and not seeing me.
Why wouldn't she just tell me that she misses me or text me often?
And in the long term how do you think I should act and behave to have a chance of getting her back?
Sorry for the long post.
TL;DR: trying to get back with my ex after 2 years of no contact. I misbehaved by leaving her several times for stupid reasons but now after 2 years alone thinking, I would pay to get back with her but she not taking a decision.

From a straight male, drug addict, this was a stroke desperation with crumble of "glad I survived".
Used this many times, in many states, and its incredibly useful.
I had been given the impression that the transgender world was both smaller, less "basic" in terms of product selection, both are true.
Make a profile. Fake pic or neck down. Honestly doesn't always matter. White guy, white guy etc. Your at an air BNB for x on your profile. John Doe, etc.
First just click through. Many have legible emoticons. Money=money. Tree=weed. You might think they are only buyers, but 99% of the time they got a guy with a guy if you can present yourself well. Where there is weed is is the snow capped peaks. Meth or 'tina' is popular as well.
Run that play first.
Be nice. Maybe flirt very lightly, by that I mean. "Hey girl!" Just chill. Easy.
Option two. Not as dope but very viable.
Pick the sketchiest bitch on there, looking probably like what you think, and break that ice. "Hey hey, what's good".
Or "Hey ---- not tryna blow you up but I'm in town overnight looking to overspend on some party favors lol"
They generally know the game enough to recognize a fellow player and it's defiantly worked. Keywords: cash money, broke bitch, aint got time, etc. These people always (not sometime s) are drug addicts, emotional damage in a way I'm not familiar, and they are not the most stable sector of drug dealers. Proceed with caution. Minimize valuables.
I'm also more comfortable dealing with an effeminate drug dealer I suppose?
To Grindr management, your app probably spreads STDS, sells cocaine, mushrooms, methamphetamine, and pot.

We dated for 8 months when we were 17/18 (so maybe some aspects of our bad relationship was just due to being teenagers, but I also believe he was/is truly abusive and manipulative.) We broke up because we were both mentally unwell and he was just tired of being with me. Tried to stay friends for 6 months at his insistence.
Our breakup even began with him insisting that he was still in love with me and I had to wait for him to get better. I was so naive I trusted him.
One night I was having an “episode” of sorts, not so sure what it should be called. Felt incredibly upset and panicked. I reached out to him for comfort and thus began the most horrible conversation we ever had.
He told me it was his BPD that made him hurt me. He used this excuse dozens of times but he was never actually diagnosed and never talked to a professional once, just smoked weed, got drunk, and treated people like shit.
"You can hate me all you like right now but in a few months you'll come back and realise i was right" - he wasn't. He loved to tell me he wasn’t my therapist, but then analyse me and acted like he completely understood my problems.
He told me I was exaggerating my mental health problems, I kept insisting I wasn't and he kept insisting that I was. He quoted me telling him I wanted to die in a mocking tone to back up what he was saying. I repeatedly asked him to stop and he said he wouldn't stop and continued to tell me I was exaggerating. When I told him he didn't know what I was feeling and thinking he insisted that he did.
I told him I was contemplating suicide and his immediate response was "last night I jumped in front of a car and you dont see me making a big song and dance about it." Proceeded to call me mean and a hypocrite for telling him that being hit by a car may not have killed him, only injured him.
Told me he didn't care that I was suicidal, and happily told me he didn't care whether I lived or died with a smiley emoticon.
After ALL OF THIS, had the fucking nerve to say that I'm being a cunt while he's "sitting here trying to make polite convos with me" The only bad thing I said throughout that entire conversation was the car comment, whereas he was constantly verbally abusing me and not giving me any relief when i practically begged him to stop.
I told him to stop twisting everything onto me, asked him if he understood that Id been trying to contact him all day scared he was dead (he'd messaged me at 4am telling me he was drunk and wanted to die) but he'd ignored me all day. he said he didn't care.
He said "fuck off, youre pathetic" and when i asked him why he hated me so much he said he didnt. I said he must if he says such mean things to me and he said "youre just a cunt lol"
I was having a panic attack/depressive episode when I was talking to him and he called it "a huff." He accused me of brushing off his suicide attempt and when i said he did that to me first, he said "no, i brushed off your emo feelings"
After this we didn't talk for a month until he messaged me out of nowhere at like 3am this big huge paragraph about how sad he is and how I'm "nice" and he was never ready to be in love or date me.
I don’t know how much of this is just silly teenage BS, and I’ve not spoken to him in nine months now. I shouldn’t have read that old conversation but I was feeling down and just wanted to be reminded of what a toxic person he was. It’s important to remember so I can identify red flags in the future and make sure nobody treats me like that again. It’s upsetting to remember how naive and forgiving I was back then. I just let him walk all over me.

Hello people, I'm posting this from a throwaway if that is not really obvious, well for obvious reasons.
So, me and my GF are both INTJs and have been in a long-distance relationship for about 7 months. We both began the relationship with the purpose of a long term commitment from a dating site meant for prospective couples to meet (For context: such sites tend to be popular in India for people exploring serious engagements). We are both 30, work in the same domain, with pretty successful careers with both of us having very little previous relationship experience. We live barely 1.5 - 2 hours by flight or 1K kms apart.
When we began seeing each other, we were our usual selves, very analytical of each other - chalking timelines planning how we'd proceed, explaining our traits and gradually trying to open up. I started with the opinion that we should set an end date to the exploration process by the end of which we'd choose to take the next step or separate. This date was set to be 6 months, with a 2-monthly review of sorts. We pretty much sailed past the first 2-3 months. I would visit her about 1-2 weekends every month, were connecting and were pleasantly surprised at so many things we loved and shared. After the first two months she agreed to marry me and I was like woah. However, everything that happened after that seemed like a downfall. These are things we'd have massive friction on such as:

• Being "too cool bruh 😎" to the point where the last time she expressed any form of affection was > 2 months back
  • She is utterly cold to the point where she'd refuse to even use "cheesy" emoticons, while making me feel cheap for using them
  • In the entire duration of our relationship we kissed once, in a cab, under uncomfortable circumstances
  • She even came to my house once (after much assurances that I was not trying to "jump" her), for an hour and talked random stuff
  • Citing arbitrary reasons so I'd not be able to visit her in her city
  • Refusing to come to see me in my city
  • Citing how she was a woman and needed her space and independence, everytime I brought up the above points
• Always being on a morally high ground, contexts:
  • I smoke weed with my friends on weekends (and play board games) and she calls me a serious drug addict (not jokingly)
  • I smoke cigarettes, which I tried to progressively reduce, while being met with constant scorn and never a semblance of acknowledgement
  • I tried to lose weight (which I thought I was doing for her!) by limiting calories and once by following the keto diet (for a month) only to face constant accusations of having a "bad diet"
  • I like to blurt out cuss words sometimes, in native Indian languages (for the "feels"), which she scorns me for (abusing in English is totally fine though)
• Casting herself to be always on an objectively-always-right horse (?)
  • She is right about how she and her friends think relationships and general humanity works
  • Constant belittlement - I'm mostly wrong about almost everything (and she has to "mother" and "babysit" me - which I probably even like, anticipating some affection)
  • Her friend circle has > 50% divorcees within 2 years of marriage - and yet they're right, they always are
• Staging breakups back to back last 2 months during her PMS-es, and after the time period passed she acts like nothing happened ("just a low point")
• With-holding information - the tiny irrelevant but irksome ones (though I did get past that)
• Insecurity (mentioned for completeness sake! we learned and helped each other to handle such instances in a mature fashion - it was actually wonderful!)

Meanwhile, I did some REALLY stupid things as well

• Being really moody and shouting at her in public - did that twice
  • First time at a coffee shop where I raised my voice so as to invite some stares
  • Second time at a mall cause I really wanted to find some us-time instead of a crowded public place
• Reminding her how she puts much less effort into the relationship than me
  • Citing I traveled several weekends to her city, she flew in once
  • Trying to get her to reciprocate opening up or make her talk about "serious topics"
  • Of me being the only one to always have to initiate everything (though I assumed as a male I was expected to do so - fucking patriarch I am)
• At some point of time, I decided I could trade some control of my life in exchange for affection, but got nothing but nagging in return
• Bluntly pointing out her erratic behaviors could be due to PMS (which was true, though pointing it out was probably wrong as it's a sensitive topic?)
• We agreed that whoever would find a job in other's city first would move - I did not yet find one and found out yesterday she stopped looking sometime back
• Getting jealous over things she'd say (like her saying "I wish Mr. XYZ was my boyfriend" and I'd flip)
• Sometimes being too much analytical and "optimizing" for stuff that should be left up to intuition
• Focusing too much on physically meeting up and spending time, instead of respecting her space
• Constantly trying to discuss about "us" and bring up serious topics

She's been maintaining that she wants to marry me (and I think I still believe her to some extent). I see some of the above points as her trying to make me a better man, in her version at least and I can truly empathize with that intention. However, I have ended up constantly losing in the power dynamics and control and have been willingly doing so while expecting something (literally anything except daily robotic conversations) in return. We reached a point where even our parents started connecting and the whole thing is one big mess now, and obviously I am to blame equally if not more.
Finally, I did something incredibly stupid - I took a tab of LSD today morning, in a moment of weakness as an act of defiance to get some feeling of control (oh so so ironically) -- which was so old it did not even work. I told her what I did pretty much like 10 mins after I put the tab in my mouth, idiotically hoping she'd perhaps get angry and would want to listen to my part of the story once she calms down. Of course that did not work.
I think I'm starting to mentally fall apart now and I have no idea what to do neither do I have anyone to dump my feelings upon. I'm totally lost now. What do I do? Where do I even begin? Am I the bad guy here? Am I trying to manipulate her?
I've become like this bitter whiny little bitch who seems to always crave for affection (in ANY form) and pretty much hate what I am becoming. I'm so sorry for this shitlong post but I really need to tell this to someone, anyone.
Thanks for reading!

Hello people, I'm posting this from a throwaway if that is not really obvious, well for obvious reasons.
So, me and my GF are both INTJs and have been in a long-distance relationship for about 7 months. We both began the relationship with the purpose of a long term commitment from a dating site meant for prospective couples to meet (For context: such sites tend to be popular in India for people exploring serious engagements). We are both 30, work in the same domain, with pretty successful careers with both of us having very little previous relationship experience. We live barely 1.5 - 2 hours by flight or 1K kms apart.
When we began seeing each other, we were our usual selves, very analytical of each other - chalking timelines planning how we'd proceed, explaining our traits and gradually trying to open up. I started with the opinion that we should set an end date to the exploration process by the end of which we'd choose to take the next step or separate. This date was set to be 6 months, with a 2-monthly review of sorts. We pretty much sailed past the first 2-3 months. I would visit her about 1-2 weekends every month, were connecting and were pleasantly surprised at so many things we loved and shared. After the first two months she agreed to marry me and I was like woah. However, everything that happened after that seemed like a downfall. These are things we'd have massive friction on such as:

• Being "too cool bruh 😎" to the point where the last time she expressed any form of affection was > 2 months back
  • She is utterly cold to the point where she'd refuse to even use "cheesy" emoticons, while making me feel cheap for using them
  • In the entire duration of our relationship we kissed once, in a cab, under uncomfortable circumstances
  • She even came to my house once (after much assurances that I was not trying to "jump" her), for an hour and talked random stuff
  • Citing arbitrary reasons so I'd not be able to visit her in her city
  • Refusing to come to see me in my city
  • Citing how she was a woman and needed her space and independence, everytime I brought up the above points
• Always being on a morally high ground, contexts:
  • I smoke weed with my friends on weekends (and play board games) and she calls me a serious drug addict (not jokingly)
  • I smoke cigarettes, which I tried to progressively reduce, while being met with constant scorn and never a semblance of acknowledgement
  • I tried to lose weight (which I thought I was doing for her!) by limiting calories and once by following the keto diet (for a month) only to face constant accusations of having a "bad diet"
  • I like to blurt out cuss words sometimes, in native Indian languages (for the "feels"), which she scorns me for (abusing in English is totally fine though)
• Casting herself to be always on an objectively-always-right horse (?)
  • She is right about how she and her friends think relationships and general humanity works
  • Constant belittlement - I'm mostly wrong about almost everything (and she has to "mother" and "babysit" me - which I probably even like, anticipating some affection)
  • Her friend circle has > 50% divorcees within 2 years of marriage - and yet they're right, they always are
• Staging breakups back to back last 2 months during her PMS-es, and after the time period passed she acts like nothing happened ("just a low point")
• With-holding information - the tiny irrelevant but irksome ones (though I did get past that)
• Insecurity (mentioned for completeness sake! we learned and helped each other to handle such instances in a mature fashion - it was actually wonderful!)

Meanwhile, I did some REALLY stupid things as well

• Being really moody and shouting at her in public - did that twice
  • First time at a coffee shop where I raised my voice so as to invite some stares
  • Second time at a mall cause I really wanted to find some us-time instead of a crowded public place
• Reminding her how she puts much less effort into the relationship than me
  • Citing I traveled several weekends to her city, she flew in once
  • Trying to get her to reciprocate opening up or make her talk about "serious topics"
  • Of me being the only one to always have to initiate everything (though I assumed as a male I was expected to do so - fucking patriarch I am)
• At some point of time, I decided I could trade some control of my life in exchange for affection, but got nothing but nagging in return
• Bluntly pointing out her erratic behaviors could be due to PMS (which was true, though pointing it out was probably wrong as it's a sensitive topic?)
• We agreed that whoever would find a job in other's city first would move - I did not yet find one and found out yesterday she stopped looking sometime back
• Getting jealous over things she'd say (like her saying "I wish Mr. XYZ was my boyfriend" and I'd flip)
• Sometimes being too much analytical and "optimizing" for stuff that should be left up to intuition
• Focusing too much on physically meeting up and spending time, instead of respecting her space
• Constantly trying to discuss about "us" and bring up serious topics

She's been maintaining that she wants to marry me (and I think I still believe her to some extent). I see some of the above points as her trying to make me a better man, in her version at least and I can truly empathize with that intention. However, I have ended up constantly losing in the power dynamics and control and have been willingly doing so while expecting something (literally anything except daily robotic conversations) in return. We reached a point where even our parents started connecting and the whole thing is one big mess now, and obviously I am to blame equally if not more.
Finally, I did something incredibly stupid - I took a tab of LSD today morning, in a moment of weakness as an act of defiance to get some feeling of control (oh so so ironically) -- which was so old it did not even work. I told her what I did pretty much like 10 mins after I put the tab in my mouth, idiotically hoping she'd perhaps get angry and would want to listen to my part of the story once she calms down. Of course that did not work.
I think I'm starting to mentally fall apart now and I have no idea what to do neither do I have anyone to dump my feelings upon. I'm totally lost now. What do I do? Where do I even begin? Am I the bad guy here? Am I trying to manipulate her?
I've become like this bitter whiny little bitch who seems to always crave for affection (in ANY form) and pretty much hate what I am becoming. I'm so sorry for this shitlong post but I really need to tell this to someone, anyone.
Thanks for reading!

According to guidelines, one star if "the title or description contains emoji or emoticons."
​
Why are humans screening these things out? Why isn't it caught automatically on submission? Or even better, prevented from submission altogether at the scanner app?
​
Unicode ranges for emoji are well known. Regular expressions can catch most common emoticons. (Yes, there are probably pathological emoticon cases that would still require human screening, but it would be super easy to at least weed out the emoji and reduce the human toil.)
​
I reviewed a perfectly good candidate the other day, and was sad to have to reject because of an emoji in the title.

The beige walls of Mateo’s cubicle blurred around him as he kicked the desk, spinning his chair in faster and faster circles. There was nothing to do in this dumb office. A bunch of middle-aged men in headsets, like two women (also middle-aged) and a perpetually lukewarm water cooler were his only potential sources of entertainment. And none of the people would even talk to him.
Well, the water cooler wouldn’t either. Except for that one time Mateo had showed up to work high, but he definitely wasn’t allowed to do that, and after the talking to he got last time, he wasn’t keen to risk it again. Drugs weren’t his style anyway, except for, like, nicotine, which hardly counted. In a couple months he’d be legal to buy the stuff, which would take all the fun out of it anyway. He wondered whether he’d brought his juul to work with him. Maybe he’d be allowed to go outside if he said it was a smoke break.
As he brought his chair to a crashing halt, his phone vibrated in his pocket (which was, unfortunately, juul-less). He typed in his passcode and opened up the snap.
"US Government: issues orders to proceed
SS-7 ICBM 1500 miles north at 1800 hours."
Who ended a snapchat with a period? Old people were so weird. Mateo double-tapped on the chat and took a dog-filter selfie. Meaning: Mission accepted. When he'd first joined the Minors Expanding Mission Extracommunication Squad (MEME Squad, for short; someone in management was way too pleased with themself over that one), he'd tried to explain to the head CIA guy that boys didn't usually use the dog filter.
"It might seem kind of suspicious," he'd bullshat, feeling very stupid. "Ya know, they say those snaps disappear after you send 'em, but I'm pretty sure they save them all... you sure we should be using it for top-secret missile codes or whatever?"
The head honcho looked unimpressed. "I assure you, you will never have access to any ‘missile codes.’” He drew quotes in the air around the words. “And who do you think controls all those saved snaps, Mr. Rivera?"
"Big... Brother?" Mateo had tried.
"We do. The government. Please, do not concern yourself any further with matters above your station." After that exchange, the MEME Squad had got in the habit of calling the man 'The Government.' Half as a joke, half because they still didn't know his real name.
Snapping (ha) back to the present, Mateo hit 'send' on his reply to The Government and glanced at the clock. 17:47. Thirteen minutes left to craft the perfect meme. He cracked his knuckles one by one until the paunchy man in the cubicle next to him looked like he might crack Mateo's neck instead, and spun back around to face the keyboard. After a few minutes on Tumblr, which Mateo would never admit to using outside work, he came upon a meme format with potential.
Once he was done editing the Israeli president's face onto Lucky Luciano’s, Mateo fired off a quick text to The Government, and another to Caitlyn, the mysterious girl who was usually on the receiving end of his 'extra-communication.' He'd tried a couple times to get The Government to set up a meeting so he could see her— what if she turned out to be secretly super hot? But it was to no avail. The Government had rubbed his temples theatrically on each occasion and left the room.
His phone dinged.
THE GOVERNMENT: Mission completed. Please exit the building promptly and return home so as not to raise suspicion.
Mateo launched himself back from his desk, snagged his Supreme hoodie off the back of his chair, and gave a cheerfully sarcastic salute to his cubicle neighbor as he ran from the office.
​
+++
​
Though this signaled the end of the day for Mateo, work had only just begun in Australia. Along with Switzerland, it was up to the Aussie team to translate Mateo’s memes into usable information, which was then stored in the JOANNA 4 database. They sent some outward communication as well, but it was mainly the US who came up with new test results and political intel.
Caitlyn, who made up half of the Australian squad, had just about had it with Mateo. For a long time, every meme he sent her was accompanied by vague flirtation. She'd debated sending Mateo an actual picture of her face a couple times, figuring her shoulder-length, half-wavy black hair and flat brown eyes would set her thoroughly outside of his usual target girlfriend range. But then she'd gotten to know him better... and realised he'd try to shag any girl with a pulse. He'd even gone so far as to tell her that 'Indian girls were super hot,' which had fallen short of his goal of setting her at ease and just ended up being mildly offensive. Caitlyn had no qualms about telling him this outright.
youre kind of a douche, she had said.
☹️, was his only reply.
It wasn't really the reaction she was expecting. The "all women are bicthes!" or "I'm just being nice can't you take a compliment??" kind of backlash would have been somehow more reassuring than whatever that emoji was supposed to indicate. Despite her career, Caitlyn didn’t speak emoticon. As a result, she’d left him on read and they hadn't spoken outside of work since.
(To his very slight credit, Mateo's lack of a response was due to utter humiliation more than anything else. He'd sent her the text while drunk, and it wasn't like he could tell her that because A) it would seem like a shitty excuse, and B) The Government read all correspondence between the pair. It was technically a work number, and Mateo wasn't so dumb that he couldn't predict the consequences of a minor confessing to inebriation on the job, even if he couldn't spell the word 'inebriation.' And even if he’d smoked weed on the way to work once.)
On the day our story begins, after Mateo had finished spinning his work hours so idly away and made it through the oppressive summer heat to his car, he wanted nothing more than to become as drunk as he'd been the night he sent Caitlyn that fateful text. It was Family Night in the Rivera household, you see. When Mateo had gotten his first job scrubbing equipment at a car wash, his parents had decided that once a week the family would have a “nice sit-down dinner” and “actually talk to each other for once, away from all those screens you kids love so much.” The excruciating tradition had endured for almost four years now.
It really wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for his mother. Ever since Mateo had turned twelve, anytime his mother was within a quarter-mile radius of either of her children, she'd have something to complain about.
It was for this reason that he'd devised a system: every Friday, Mateo would make sure to have a "date." This actually worked like a charm; the only thing his mother liked more than vicious mockery was the promise of future grandkids. He usually just hung out with his best friend, Sebastian, but a couple times he'd actually gotten a hot date out of the whole deal. Tonight was a Seb night, meaning that if he wasn’t careful, he’d have to lie to his mother's face for five minutes before he could escape.
It was still pretty early, though. If he prayed to some long-dead pagan gods, he might be able to get in and out of his house before his mom was even home from work. He made it up to his bedroom without anyone noticing, and had his phone plugged in to charge and a clean, non-nerdy shirt halfway over his head before he heard the unmistakable sounds of his mother arriving.
One: The doorbell in the front foyer being held down for way too long, because God forbid she’d have to dig her keys out of her cavernous designer purse and let herself in.
Two: A chirpy "I’m hoo-ome!”
Three: An even chirpier “No one’s going to come say hello?” Even though Ariana, Mateo’s fourteen-year-old sister, had obviously just answered the door for her.
Four: Heels clacking on hardwood.
Five: Heels muffled by the carpet on the stairs.
Six— shit, she was coming to his room.
Mateo snagged his phone off his desk, rammed his wallet into his jeans pockets, and jumped out the window.
​
Chapter 2

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