Gum jaw head pain

The whole thing is my fault. We had been together 5 years. I knew a year or year and a half ago that it wasn’t going to work out but I didn’t know how to do it. My hand was finally forced since we were going to move soon. I had actually agreed to the move until I realized she meant it to be permanent in that city. It shouldn’t have taken that to make it happen though. Hell I broke up with her roughly 3 years ago and she convinced me to stay and try to make it work. I should have stayed with my gut then. I was to weak.
I have hurt her so much. I’ve shattered her. Probably caused scars that will last into future relationships. All because I was to weak. Because I wanted to keep the peace. I blindsided her because I always said what she wanted to hear. To try and make her happy. To keep the peace so I could do what I wanted or not get in a fight. My weakness has caused her so much more unnecessary pain. Wasted so much of her time.
Why couldn’t I do it? I do love her but I think long term this wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t see us being married and living happily ever after. I couldn’t see raising kids with her. But I couldn’t tell her that. She’s a wonderful beautiful kind person. We have so many good memories but my last memory will be her tears and the pain in her voice. Because I was too weak. She could be healed and likely forgotten me by now.
She begged me not to do it, was willing to give up so much to stay together. I can’t take that though. I can’t take away everything she wants in life to be with me. I can’t hold that gun to her head that I may break up if she ever wants to move. I can’t hold her back.
I stand by the decision that breaking up is the right move but the pain on her face made me want to go back on it. She doesn’t deserve what I did to her.
We lived together, had a dog, furniture, a joint card. Now I’ve blown it all up because I knew when I started it that it wasn’t going to last. She kept saying it doesn’t make sense and how could it? How do my actions make any sense. The only thing that came of them is more pain than if I had been honest to start.
That’s all gone now. The dog is hers. The dog won’t understand why I’m not there anymore. Why I can’t play or cuddle.
She’s going to think it’s her fault when it’s all mine. There’s no way to convince her of that though.
My family and friends keep saying they’re sorry to me like how? After what I’ve done how?
I knelt my head to God tonight for the first time in awhile and didn’t even pray for me but just for her to find all the happiness she deserves.
I’m sitting in a gas station parking lot at 4am after losing $400 at the casino. I can’t sleep or distract myself anymore. I think this is the worst thing I’ve ever done which probably isn’t all that bad it’s not violent or anything.
Idk just needed to vent all that out. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just to be clear, I’m not suicidal and I have some place to go but I’m choosing to stay out to try and process.

hello! i did not know where to post it here but i wanted to get clarification on what happened to our senior dog.
basically these were her symptoms: - sudden lethargy - no appetite (not eating any liquid food but drinks water when given in syringe) - sudden paralyzation of the body (she could move her neck and head tho) - very dry nose - no control of her bowel and urine movements - sudden spasms - would sometimes stare faraway
my parents decided to have her euthanized instead of letting her pass away of a natural and painful death that would only leave her to suffer. but they were still open to the idea of medicating her but the vet said there's a very low chance she'll survive with medications so we proceeded with euthanizing instead.
the vet was not clear about what might have caused our senior dog to have such a fast declining health but he said she might have been suffering from heartworm and did not show any symptoms until it was too late.
our senior dog was very healthy and suddenly became very sick like that. for the past few weeks i've been thinking if maybe it was paralytic rabies? but then if it was rabies, the vet would have told us and would suggested us to get post-mortem results and also my dog wasn't drooling or salivating on her last few days. i've also been thinking that maybe it might have been distemper? but there were no dogs around here who could have infected her in our area as we do not let her near other dogs.

Hello! I’m making this pretty late at night so super tired and might text a little weird, but I’m trying my best. So I got my wisdom teeth taken out April 26th. Obviously swelled up, but bruised super badly on my left cheek. Went away after a week or two I don’t remember. My right side reacted normally, I guess swelling wise and no bruise. Naturally my right side socket opened faster than my left. The thing is, it opened, but closed back up and started swelling up and getting painful in the span of maybe a day or two. Now, I also just got violently sick (super exaggerated), but I had a fever, headache that gave my jaw a lot of pressure, pains all in my body, sore throat, blah blah blah. I just got over it all but the sore throat but that’s kinda when the left side started to get super bad. I am very good when it comes to cleaning my mouth and everything. Should I be worried that it’s infected or can this happen??? My dad is going to make a follow up with the people who took them out though! And I’ll update this too so it can help people!!!

(Part 2 out now)
I woke up with a cough of blood and pain. I felt something metal with my hands as I looked down. A long stint of rebar poked out of my ribcage and through my chest plate, covered in a mix of my blood and the bile of a bug.
I reached down and grabbed my Senator, feeling its trusty weight in my hands. I haphazardly tried to place the barrel against the portion of rebar sticking out of my back. This had better work, I thought. I pulled the trigger once and with a loud Crack I felt the vibration from the shot in my stomach. I tried to choke down vomit and pulled the trigger twice more Crack, Crack. With the third shot the rebar gave way and I rolled to my side and collapsed on the ground. Agony shot through my body as I hit the dirt.
I realized then, Hmmph, they left me. During Extraction one of the other divers called in a 500kg as we were about to board Pelican 1. She had thrown it over one of those damned chargers in an effort to kill one last bug but... it started charging us. I was the last one in line and just as I was about to board... i was thrown 200 feet away from extraction site. I don't blame them. I'd have left me too. We had successfully evacuated a number of scientists and other military personnel, but we'd lost the planet. No hard feelings I guess.
I tried to pull my mind away from those thoughts and just focused on one. Survive. I pulled myself to my knees and looked at the rebar again. Cant park there bud, I thought tryna cheer myself up. I had dropped my senator when I fell and ended up with two free hands. I reached down and with the assistance of my servo-assited armor prepared to wrench the rebar from my chest. Alright, count of three, I thought. One my heartrate quickened. Two I adjusted my grip ever so slightly. Three I ripped the metal rod out and felt a hot stinging pain shoot through my body. I quickly grabbed a stim and applied it.
I winced as the stim numbed my broken ribs and began rapidly working to heal them and my open chest wound. After a couple seconds, I could stand.
I took quick stock of my inventory. My Senator with 23 rounds left, two ration packs, a canteen of water, 1 stim, a knife, and a bag of oatmeal. Oatmeal? Seriously? I'd rather have ammo but... beggars can't be choosers.
I looked around me. Snow and beaten down rubble surrounded me. This was some kind of research station, I think. Didn't bother grabbing the name. Cold as hell and nothing really around to get my bearings. Great. I thought. Im gonna die inside a freezer. I started looking through the rubble for anything useful. I found a corpse of one of the scientists that hadn't made it to evac. I grabbed the ID card off his jacket. Figured It'd get me inside a building if there were any left standing. I crawled out of the rubble and onto the snowy tundra.
The sun had set and with it most of the light I would've been able to utilize. I scanned the horizon for a blinking light. Blinking like meant beacon. Beacon meant possible radio, maybe some ammo. I clocked one to the southwest and began walking that direction senator drawn.
I spotted a few distant bug patrols illuminated by moonlight but they had no interest in me. I kept my head down and kept moving towards the light. Details started to take shape and I could see this was a research station. Perfect I thought.
I reached the door and used the key card. There was a Beep and the red light flashed green. The door cracked open before jamming. Oh no you dont, I thought and with one hand yanked the door open. I closed it behind me with the same hand to keep the wildlife disinterested.
Inside was dark and damp. I had lost the seal integrity on my suit so there was barely any oxygen regulation. Didn't need it on this planet but still, it's a bitch to fix. I turned my flashlight on and started scanning the room for a light switch. I found one but wouldn't ya know it... dead. At least the beacon had power. I walked over to the radio and pulled off my helmet. I wedged the flashlight in my neck and leaned my head to the side. I started flipping switches and turning dials to see if there was a response. Nothing. Id have to find the master terminal. I grabbed the flashlight and donned my helmet again. I began scanning the room again before I heard it. A little shuffle behind me. I turned quickly and drew my senator raising it at the source of the sound.
It was a small child. At least... thats what it appeared to be. At first glance I could see bindings on its legs and arms. A hospital gown with little ducklings on it and a teddy bear tucked under its arm. I lowered my senator as it spoke.
"Dr. Mehon told me to wait here. He said hed be right back."
Dr. Mehon was probably dead I thought. I knelt down and put my hand on the child's shoulder. "Whats your name kid?"
"3". I felt a rage build up. I swallowed it quickly.
"Well 3, what uh... why.. why do you have bin.." I stopped myself. Whatever those scientists were doing here...
3 looked up at me and I noticed it. A cat like set of eyes. Other little details started to click as well. Four fingers on each hand, slightly pointed ears, a discoloration of skin and a rigid scale-like spine on the shoulder.
"The radio doesnt work mister." 3 seemed to have understood their situation. "Dr Mehon destroyed it before he left."
I realized then that it was unlikely either of us would make it off this planet alive.
EDIT: Part 2 out now! (Part 2's a lil shorter) I Didnt think itd get this many upvotes and comments. Ill keep writing then. Feel free to suggest names for 3!

I'm 28M getting those headaches on average once every few weeks. Its pulsating strong pain, ether on left or right side of my head. Tried visiting doctors to figure out why it's happening, but nobody really knows why. I had a benign tumour on the auditory nerve on left side, that got removed, not sure if this could be the cause. Am doing MRI every year, to check if its not getting any worse after gamma knife surgery.

Been chewing falim gum and it seemed to be going fine for about 2 weeks before I started feeling like it was giving me more fat under my chin. When I turn my head to the side it looks like I have a lot of fat under my jaw. I’m wondering if somehow chewing gum worked a muscle under my chin or something? Is this possible?

Hi all f59,m58 in a relationship 4 years Had post while back as homeless is reality Knowing you been a placemat for a while is heartbreaking and frankly just leaves one self wanting to just curl up and die just end pain and hurt and not again face that lonely road once again Facing having to regime animals cos my bad choices does my head in and the constant abuse is grinding All I do and say is shit My job shit My love stupid chickens shit I switch off cos these my loves and nobody else’s and to be frank I know it shows what horrible person he is There is no good in this man This I know and I’m starting to slowly get my affairs into order cos the once girl that had confidence and love life is gone and I haven’t the energy to find her again but to just say that out for someone to hear takes a tiny bit of my mind and small bandage over a gaping hole in one’s heart Never believe a persons words ,believe in their actions they tell you who they are

I had a septorhiniplasty last Wednesday. I'm on day 5. Anyway, on the day I had the op I scrunched my nose up by accident trying to take a big bite of the food they gave me at the hospital. It hurt like hell.
Then I had to get home the next day by train so I did a lot of heavyish lifting of bags and tried to bend down with my back straight and my head up when picking things up.
On the third day during sleep I accidently kncoked my nose gently with my hand with slight pressure. It caused pain and that's it. Nothing else happened. I did it again this morning when I woke up, I reached up and knocked lightly the bottom of my nose.
Im getting very fed up with this cast and my nose. Im so anxious about touching my nose and something going wrong. I'm trying my hardest , but it's sleeping that scares me the most. The meds make me dizzy and im scared I'll fall out of bed or I'll fall when Im walking and hit my nose. I barely even sleep and I can't even control my hand movements when i wake up.
I'm already worried I've ruined my nose and that it's going to look broken still when the cast comes off. Can anyone suggest if it's possible I've ruined my nose? Have any of you guys bumped your nose a little and it all turned out fine?
I'm just worrying here. Thanks. :)

Hi,
I'd so appreciate any feedback or reassurance as I really don't want to call my endodontist over the weekend unless there's a real chance this could be an infection.
I went in for an apiectomy on Friday morning. (I had severe pain starting Tuesday evening due to an infection in a tooth that had a root canal 7 years ago.) After starting antibiotics (clindamycin 3x/day) Wednesday, by Friday the pain was down to manageable with Tylenol + motrin. I applied ice when I got home, but by Saturday morning, that side of my face has swollen up. My cheek feels like it has a balloon in it and it has that chipmunk cheek look I associate with wisdom teeth removal or jaw surgery. (It looks a bit worse than the pic could capture.) Pain-wise, it feels identical to how it felt the morning I went in for the procedure. I thought it would be better by now since they removed the infection.
Anyway, I was wondering if this amount of swelling for an apiectomy seems normal, or if it could be a sign of an infection or other issue? On google I couldn't find any pics of others with the chipmunk cheek appearance from apiectomies.
Thank you SO much!!!!

I just wanted to share my experience here and as I had never seen something like this and I actually had an OVERWHEMINGLY positive experience with this surgery. I realise there is luck + age(29) involved but pre-hab really paid off.
There will be a tl;dr + my final PREHAB exercises.
On march 3rd I tore my MCL (2nd degree) + ACL (full tear) + Lateral meniscus (2nd degree leision) from my MRI. I couldn’t bear any weight and upon ER visit I was given a brace.
First 30 days I wore the brace (because of the torn MCL which requires it to heal on its own) and could only put a very minimal amount of weight on my injured leg. Did that, then started PT on day 30.
Day 30 after injury - had no muscle on my leg, couldn’t bend my knee at all. Had my first PT session where they removed my brace. I started PT 3 times a week at a sports centre where they also worked with the best surgeons in my city. PT was kind of painful and started out slow but it was getting better each day. On week 2 of PT I started doing all the exercises at home on rest days, so basically I did PT 7 times per week.
Day 60 after injury - was supposed to have my surgery here but my Physio suggested to my surgeon to delay. I still went for a check up where my surgeon said he could have done the surgery that week and it was good enough but I/We declined and opted in to wait another 2 weeks of PT. At this point in time my leg was still a bit stiff but after warming up I could bend it properly. My extension was also pretty good / flat but couldn’t match my hyperextension.
Day 60 - 74 after injury - I kept going hard at PT for the last two weeks before surgery, sometimes I did PT at home twice, even went for stationary bike at the gym. At this point for the extra added two weeks, my leg actually started feeling like my own leg again. The progress, as suggested by my PT, was INSANE. Day and night difference. Some days still felt a bit stiff but I was able to lower the bicycle seat a lot, gained a bunch of muscle back, swelling in the mornings was VERY minimal. I could sleep on my side etc. I felt like a normal person again. Sure I could only walk slowly but I didn’t have ANY limp anymore, so much that car drivers would get annoyed at me at crossroads for walking slowly.
Day 75 after injury - SURGERY DAY. I went in pretty nervous but I talked to my PT who as I mentioned also worked at the clinic and was there right before my surgery. He gave me encouraging words but I was still in panic mode. My turn for surgery came, went in, had the ?partial anasthesia where you stop feeling your legs which felt super weird to me. I was still pretty nervous and kind of shivering so they asked if I wanted full anasthesia or just some sort of drugs added to my systems to relax. I said I wanted the funny thing (LOL) and sure enough, the nurse puts in the funny thing and within what felt like 30 seconds, I started laughing in my head and hearing my own voice saying funny shit like “lol finally getting surgery this shits cool haha”. It felt super weird as my anxiety disappeared within seconds. That’s when the surgeon popped in my view and told me the good news - my meniscus had healed properly (as well as the MCL) since I wore the brace for 30 days after injury and did prehab. The guys at my prehab place did tell me most times with the brace and prehab the meniscus can fix itself but I didn’t think that would be my case. So when surgeon told me I did a big thumbsup, laughed a bit and said some dumb shit like “awesome” lol. My entire 2 hour ACL surgery felt like 5 minutes after they had put in the “relax” drug. I loved it, I barely remember any of it other than seeing my leg being thrown around a bit. DEFINITELY ASK FOR THE FUNNY DRUG IT MADE ME SO CALM AND HAPPY (I never do any other drugs, rarely drink etc but this felt like getting verrrryyy tipsy right before going black out drunk usually lol). Surgery’s done, it’s a success, they send me back to my room. This place also uses drainage for 48hr so you stay in the clinic. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but I was so buzzed up with the funny things and kept telling each nurse how good the stuff they put in me was LOL. I probably still looked worried as they kept making jokes about me being very worried and how they’d take care. They kept asking me if I had any pain and that’s when I used my REDDIT KNOWLEDGE and told them my pain was 1/10 but I heard you wanna take meds preemptively as if you feel any pain - meds not gonna work. Some time passed and they gave me the hardcore painkillers in my veins. They had some “program” where they give you stuff each 4 hours. I felt NO PAIN AT ALL. My accident felt WORSE than laying in the hospital bed post op. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but it never did.
ONE DAY POST OP - I was playing on my switch when at about 9 AM my PT storms into the room and starts telling me to quit playing lmao. He asked me if I could do a leg raise, and sure enough I could. I knew I could because while laying down I kind of kept checking my mind muscle connection and even after surgery I could still feel my muscles. He tells me to do 25 and he’ll be back later. Mind you, 25 leg raises with a drainage and a heavy-ish brace, under painkillers that were given me an hour earlier as part of the 1 per 4 hour things. But I was able to do them.
Fast forward one hour and my PT is back. He’s telling me that we’re gonna start walking. I’m happy and get up. Immedietely a bit lightheaded so I took some water and was standing up on two crutches. They had previously shown me how to use crutches at PT, so I tried to walk as fast and normal looking as possible. To my shock, 3 steps in, my PT literally laughed and KICKED THE BACK OF MY OPERATED LEG and said “go faster nothing to worry about, I don’t gave much time here lol”. The kick kinda hurt but it made me more confident walking. I did about 10-15 steps on two crutches, he told me to not lean on them but just use for balance. Did some more steps and he literally grabbed one of my crutches and ran away laughing. Told me that I only need one and sure enough - I could walk with one crutch (and the basic support brace). He then taught me how to go up and down stairs and gave me 6 exercises to do in my hospital bed. I did them and that was it. He said “no limit on walking and bear as much weight as you can”. I literally couldn’t believe it. Day ONE post op, one crutch. I had NEVER even read a story like that on this sub. Felt crazy good to know that doing the 6 weeks PT with him saved me so much trouble. As a side note, the other patients in my room, some of which with the same doctor felt TRAMENDOUS amount of pain, couldn’t sleep, kept hearing them do little screams from the pain etc. etc. etc. I was the only one who did extreme PT before surgery from my room.
Day 2 post op - had drainage AND BRACE removed and was told to only rest up to not have any more swelling (drainage is used to remove swelling basically). So I laid around in the hospital bed, got up to the toilet a few times and could only walk with one crutch no brace and that was day 2.
Day 3 post op - I went home, managed to fit in car front seat, did the exercises I was told to do and could sort of walk one crutch only to get around even tho it was not easy and felt a bit sus.
——
My FINAL PRE-OP list of PT EXERCISES in the correct order: 1. 12-15 minutes of stationary bike on the lowest possible seat where I felt no pain or light in my knee. 2. 3x15 or climbing up a stair, as high as I could. You put your injured leg on the stair, you climb up with your other leg and then put the other leg back on the ground. At this time I could do a pretty good height on this exercise and do slow negatives. The height was about 3 standart staircase steps or 3x a regular stepper. 3. 3x20 slowly walking down a stair, from as high as possible. Walking down was harder for me, so my maximum was about 2 steps high (66% of climbing). You step on the top step and use your healthy leg to touch the ground and then “jump” back up on your injured leg which never leaves the higher step. 4. 4x20 Squatting on a very low bench. Basically slowly sitting down to something as low as you can while making sure to bend your knees equally. I could do this at two steps heigh where my knees would bend quite a bit more than 90 degrees. Still felt a bit of pain here 5. Walk around for 30-60 sec instead of rest between all of these. If I had energy left, I would add in a few mins at the bike at a lower seat.
That’s it, do all of them as slowly as possible. I did these sometimes twice a day if I had the willpower and my knee felt good. Also used ice after doing them sometimes and made sure to have mind muscle connection and use my injured leg as much as possible. ——-
Tldr; DO PRE-HAB. Managed to walk one crutch only DAY ONE after ACL reconstruction with a temporary brace that was removed day two and went out of the hospital on just one crutch. Only minor pain after surgery 2/10. A bit painful to walk around and bear weight but that’s as expected. Do your prehab because others in my room couldn’t walk at all and were in agonizing pain for 3 days after surgery.
Thanks for reading, I hope this post is helpful for fellow sports lovers. I am 29 years old / 6’1 / 180 lbs, did mostly bodybuilding at the gym and bicycle.

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

So I’ve (M22) been seeing this girl (F19) for the past 2 months very casually. I broke up with my long term (2 yrs) ex a few weeks before and surprisingly got to know and like this girl. We’ve been out a few times and been back to each-others places. We’ve had lots of deep personal conversations and I really like her. The thing is it’s been so unclear to me whether she’s interested or not. She has reassured me that she is but sometimes her actions don’t match up, but then other times it’s clear she is. A few days ago we went out for drinks and it was great. I bit the bullet and asked her if she sees me as just friends, as it’s something I had started to wonder. Her response was that I am a good friend but also someone she’s interested in romantically. But she doesn’t want to lose me out of her life as a friend if things don’t work out romantically. She also said she thinks she sees it heading in to a friendship more, but right now that’s not the case. Fast forward a few days later we’re together in a group setting with a bunch of work friends at a party (we work together), it was almost like she ignored me, I just accepted this is probably because she doesn’t want work friends speculating about us. She then got very sick from getting too high and stepped outside. I was there to help her regardless of the ignoring, along with a couple other friends. It seemed like she didn’t want any of my help and almost wanted to shrug me away. But anyway I was really concerned and took her home with the others, and then she asked the other girl to go inside her place (she can only have 1 guest) so I just waited outside for an hour. The fact she didn’t want me there to help but did want this random girl, was weird to me? The next day she called me apologising for her being so high etc and thanking me a lot for helping her out. I heard from a mutual friend that she thinks I’m too good to be true. This friend also said that she thinks I’m too shy for her (she’s a Latina for context) This is so true and it pains me because I am an incredibly awkward person when dating. We’ve barely shared any physical affection, I get so nervous to make first moves to her. And it hasn’t exactly helped my confidence to do so when she’s been kind of giving me mixed signals about her feelings. I find it so hard to cross that barrier from just hanging out to light physical touch, cuddling, kissing etc. Sex seems like ages away. I feel like I will lose her soon or I’ll become friend-zoned, all because of my shyness. What should be my next step? I really like this girl and will be gutted if it doesn’t work out. But at the same time, the mixed signals stress me out and I don’t know if I can change my awkwardness unless she makes the first moves for me.

I chug what little nasty warm energy drink I got left sitting in the consul of my truck and head to the ER. I get there and they have a room for me almost immediately. I sit there in agony as they get the info they need. Que the Dr. she walks in sees my face and looks at my BP 187/113 just says… “I’m really glad you came in” (I low key think this is funny cause the way I dress and talk I thought of all the farmers memes about them going in and Dr.s instantly freaking out over it)
I instantly get hit with morphine and finally pass out for a-little. An hour passes they get me into a holding room for admitted patients. Then hit me with more morphine once it’s safe. I’m in and out of consciousness, they keep hitting me with pain killers and my BP is finally around a stable level 130-150/ 60-90. The pain is still there but the stress response is gone. They finally get me to my room maybe 4-5 hours after admission. Whole time I’ve been getting hit with morphine and finally IV antibiotics as well as some type of steroid. ENT Doc comes immediately says “listen… the IV antibiotics are going to stop the spread right now but your eye is already becoming inflamed and you have a huge abscess. Suggests he drain it, and no fucking shit I’m all for it. An hour passes or so it’s around 2:45p they roll me into surgery. Hit me with fucking fentanyl and I’m fucking gone. Wake up and the pain is gone the pressure too I’m floating… and can’t fucking swallow for about 30 minutes. (Fuck it beats the agony.)
This was fucking Tuesday… Wednesday was spent all in the hospital but because of bed space they ask if they can discharge me. Tell me to stay with the antibiotics I got and I’m free. (On this front I’m finally clear.)
I get home. Instantly I’m met with demands from my wife. I try to fulfill them but I’m fucked. Entire fucking time she’s locating about how I need to rest but pushing me in all the directions. My puppy who is an absolute snuggle tyrant causes chaos whining at night so I wander downstairs where he stays over night and end up sleeping down there keeping her calm. Occasionally woken up to a cold nose but n the leg.
Next day. Also may I add my mom came up in a fury to help out even though she has nearly no PTO and it’s the busy time of year for a corn geneticist. (They plant and do shit at weird times). My wife disappears for the first time this whole experience. (Please note also on top of all this shit my infant son has been home sick from daycare) my mom hold my little tyrant all day keeping him happy. I finally get some rest slept about 6 hours that night and then 7 during the day. I wake up and try to be social as possible. My son appears to be doing better so my sickly mother in law comes over. To help out, I’m awake and able to do things alike be it very slowly.

Obviously paragraphs and paragraphs of explaining the lore of your world is considered infodumping, but where would you draw the line?
I don't know if what I try to do is considered infodumping. Basically, I insert one paragraph of a character using their knowledge of the world to explain something in the middle of your usual descriptory prose.
For example (an excerpt of chapter 4 from my first attempt at writing a full length novel. I'm about 11k words in):
Despite the boy standing at least two dozen paces away from her, Emily felt like he had drilled stakes into her eyes with his gaze. They were green-within-green without any trace of human white in them. They weren’t natural. They weren’t human. Her heart raced. Foreboding trepidation rushed through her veins. She became aware of her panting and her sweat inching down her forehead. She trembled, all of a sudden warming up despite the stale, cold air in the great hall.
She lowered her head, realising that she had torn holes into her gloves from balling her fists.
Before her stood a Roamer. Samira had taught her about them in her lessons. She was told the last of them died a century ago. A race of mutants created to serve as the personal bodyguards of lords and kings centuries ago, one of them served the Embelwoods of the past. Along with her great-grandfathers, they built the great duchy of New Calinthia on the backs of honour and virtue.
Her right palm throbbed. Pulling off her glove, Emily looked at the angular birthmark on her right palm again, and she noticed that it glowed gently with the same shade of green from the boy-Roamer’s eyes.
From under the boy’s coat, the characteristic Roamer’s dark-veins crept up his pale-skinned neck, stopping short of his jaw like serpents slithering through snow. He took off his hat, revealing a head of black hair. As he made his way through the great hall, nobody spoke a word. She saw tense looks on many soldiers’ faces, the look of shock given by bystanders witnessing a murder.
I've italicised the paragraph in question. It's not really describing action and feelings like the other paragraphs around it, but it also isn't a large wall of text describing the lore and such–that would be an obvious infodump. How large of a break from the flow of action to describe something about the world would you consider an infodump?
Edit: The paragraph also doesn't fully explain what they are fyi. I'm planning to explore the Roamers' abilities later in the story and sprinkle in more tidbits of lore throughout. I can add the premise of the story here for context if someone requests it.

I'm having a rough time with my mental health lately due to multiple factors, including trying to help my oldest son with newly emerging anxiety and depression problems of his own, but yesterday I took a huge step backwards and I just feel completely lost.
As a teen, I struggled immensely, not helped by a narcissistic mother who regularly berated me out of nowhere, calling me horrible, mentally scarring things, which I never dared talk back to her about, at one time punching me in the face which required dental surgery to repair, and kicking me out of home and then emotionally blackmailing me to come back for a number of years, resulting in a lot of self hatred, self harm, and internalising which took me years to rise above.
In recent years, whilst I've never forgotten, I have had a better relationship with her, and her behaviour has been reasonably in check, with me noticing her triggers and removing myself and my children from her presence if she's on edge, and over all, we've been quite close.
Until yesterday that is, when my teenage son (who is also fighting a battle with depression and anxiety right now, which age knows about) said something small that triggered her to go on the worst tirade I've seen in years, with her belittling him and saying the most horrible things, calling him a scared little boy and worthless person etc. Unlike me, however, he didn't stay silent and responded with a barrage of insults and swearing, which, whilst nasty and horrible, did not equate to the smiling horrors my mother bestowed upon him. I ended up crying for them both to stop and yelling at my mother that she CANNOT say that sort of thing to anyone, let alone a struggling teenage child - he's anything but worthless, he's worth more than the world. Immediately after, I had a panic attack, which caused them to hurl more insults at each other, because they both blamed my panic on each other.
I managed to get myself together enough to take my son and myself home and get away from the scenario, and my son, even though he's hurt by the words she said, seems to be coping much better than I am, and hasn't taken it to heart. On the other hand, I feel like I've regressed to that scared little girl again, playing it over and over again inside my head, to the point that for the first time in over 15 years, I ended up cutting myself, and that felt like bringing an old friend home. I know it was wrong, but it was a release, and I don't know if I can stop myself again. I'm not suicidal, it just feels like the only pain I can control, and that makes me feel better, if only for a little while. All the memories, all the horrid words that a mother should never have said, have all flooded back, and that's my only release.
I've worked so hard to have a good relationship with my mother in recent years, but I refuse to have my son exposed to that kind of mental torture, and I don't think I can get passed that. I love my mother, and feel like I've lost her again, and I cannot forgive her for saying what she did to my child, especially knowing his mental state leading up to it.
But on top of that, in one afternoon, I feel like I've lost myself again. I need to pull it together for my children, and I'm terrified that they might see the cuts on my leg, or realise what a wreck I am. I'm terrified for my son, and that he'll carry her words with him like I always have, and I'm scared for myself because those words have dug up every other memory of the awful things she said and did to me, surfacing the shame, fear and self loathing that I thought I'd dealt with and was a thing of the past.
I don't know what I'm expecting from this post, I just wanted to get it out, I suppose. Advice perhaps? I don't know. I feel lost and sad, and like I'm an absolute failure as a mother for exposing my son to her, a failure as a daughter for not noticing her being on edge before, and a failure as a person for regressing so fast and immediately falling into bad habits.

Hello All,
Brief summary about my current vocal status: I'm used to singing everyday, currently in a band, and started noticing some vocal trouble over a month ago during rehearsals (voice wasn't easily reaching notes and felt strained after rehearsals). After that, I went on a Vegas trip with some friends, and after attending some concerts, my voice was pretty much gone for a day or two. After I came back from the trip, decided to give some vocal rest and let it heal, but never noticed such a feeling in my throat (hard to describe but its almost like a Sore Throat, but I can feel pain on the left side of my neck). A week ago, I decided to go to the doctor to see why it hasn't healed, and I was told its probably just a cold and he wrote me down for 'Acute Pharyngitis'. I was told to reach out a week later if symptoms didn't resolve. Well its been a week later, and I went to the Dr. today because my symptoms haven't improved, my voice hurts from talking and I have not been able to sing my usual range at all (I can sing within the normal register but trying anything a bit higher is not possible).
At the Dr. today, I was prescribed Pantoprazole (Proton Pump Inhibitor) and methylPREDNISolone (steroid). The thought process behind the Pantoprazole is that acid reflux may be swelling my throat, so I will start taking that tomorrow. For the methylPREDNISolone I was told to give it a few more days, and if still no improvement, to give it a shot. I was also referred to an E.N.T to get in touch and schedule a possible appointment for a Laryngscopy if symptoms do not heal.
I'm making this post to share my symptoms and see if anyone shared something similar because I initially thought this may be related to Vocal Nodules/Polyps, but based on my symptoms now I feel like they still fall under the category of a Flu/Cold thats just lasting a while and not letting my voice heal. I'm currently trying to do vocal rest, drink lots of fluids (including tea with honey), but its difficult as I do have to talk quite a bit at work.
Symptom List: (First 2 symptoms have been going on for about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks currently)

• Vocal Fatigue (From just talking. Singing obviously aggravates it more)
• Pain in Neck (I feel pain on my left (mostly left side), and sometimes on the right side, the middle area and under the jaw sometimes as well)
• Phlegm - Started noticing green and yellow phlegm for 2 days (started 2 days ago), but that has now subsided
• Vocal Hoarseness - Interestingly, people around me do not notice my voice being hoarse when I talk, but I can feel that it is not as smooth as before, and there is some gravely quality there.

I am really hoping this isn't a vocal nodule/polyp and is related to coming off a cold, but if symptoms do not get better I'll definitely be going to the E.N.T to get a scope done and check any other causes for these symptoms.

i got home from work yesterday at 1 pm and heard my baby meowing from the closet. i found her and she wasnt moving and just kept meowing for me. when i held her she stopped. i couldnt get her to eat or drink anything, and she was so weak she couldnt walk. she was fine and now she wasnt and it all happened so fast. i rushed her over to the nearest pet hospital and they told me shes too far gone and said we can do anesthesia so she wont be in pain anymore. i said yes of course and thats when it started to really hit me.
i always thought she would be in my life forever and i still cant comprehend how i can live without her. i sat in that room stroking her head as the doctor put the injection into her chest. it took so long for her to finally give in, shes always been a fighter. five minutes later she took her last breath and i dropped to the ground. i got her body in a box and i couldnt stop looking at her and petting her. i just want her here with me forever.
now shes at the cremation facility where i will get her fur, pawprint, and ashes, but i just want her body. it hurts so unbelievably bad coming home to an empty apartment. we have been together since i was 9 years old so most of my life i can remember shes always been there. i swear i still smell her and i keep hearing her walk around just for it to be nothing. i cant even cry anymore im just tired.
i dont deserve to ever be happy again. how am i supposed to when she was my whole life. i just wish i could be with her now i dont care about anything else in life. i dont care about my job. i basically dont have a family. i cant do this and i dont want to do this. its only been 12 hours and it feels like ive been hurting for an eternity. im dreading the end of my shift today because that means i will have to walk into my empty apartment and she wont be waiting for me there.
i know im not alone and this happens all the time to almost everyone but i seriously do not ever want to love like this again. she was my whole life and all that i have and i have nothing now. i just hope somehow posting here will help me get these feelings out and if anyone responds it might help to soothe me, though i think i prefer to feel the pain.

I am 20 years old and have just been diagnosed with PCOS, what should I know about this diagnosis? I have done my research but I would like to learn from others with this same diagnosis. What has your experience been like?
Doctors finally made the diagnosis after 7 years of consistent doctor appointments. I was hospitalised due to fainting, hitting my head which caused a concussion and extreme cramp pains. I am now being tested for endometriosis.