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2024.05.19 13:26 Orange_Menace1 Randyll Tarly - Blackfyre Supporter (my first theory)

Randyll Tarly - Blackfyre Supporter (my first theory)
Note: I started writing this and it got away from me. Rather than fill in the unfinished points, I've just left them there for everyone to consider

Preface

Randyll Tarly on a first read through is a jerk. He tortures Sam, insults Brienne, implements draconian justice and downplays the golden company threat. Prima-Facie, he is a violent commander with little political cunning.
Except for his results. By the end of ADWD
· He receives accolades for every battle fought (I hold fire on the term won)
· He holds the queen in his custody.
· He has a voice at council
· He secured his chosen heir in defiance of westrosi customs
If we assume these things didn’t happen by chance, we can re-examine some of his older achievements, actions, and then try to sort out his motives.

Randyll Tarly as a Commander

Roberts Rebellion

Battle of Ashford

Context: The battle of Ashford was Roberts one defeat in his rebellion. Tarly’s van sailed forward and defeated Roberts host, but the battle was inconclusive. Robert retreated to the stony sept, recovered, regrouped, and when his allies arrived and consolidated forces, used this new army to win the war.

Relevant Sections – directly on point paragraphs:

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion III

Tyrion had to bite his tongue at that. Robb Stark had won more battles in a year than the Lord of Highgarden had in twenty. ~Tyrell's reputation rested on one indecisive victory over Robert Baratheon at Ashford, in a battle largely won by Lord Tarly's van before the main host had even arrived.~

A Storm of Swords - Davos V

"Edric, you ought not boast," Maester Pylos said. "King Robert suffered defeats like any other man. Lord Tyrell bested him at Ashford, and he lost many a tourney tilt as well."

A Storm of Swords - Samwell V

"Your father is an able soldier," King Stannis said. "He defeated my brother once, at Ashford. Mace Tyrell has been pleased to claim the honors for that victory, but Lord Randyll had decided matters before Tyrell ever found the battlefield. He slew Lord Cafferen with that great Valyrian sword of his and sent his head to Aerys." The king rubbed his jaw with a finger. "You are not the sort of son I would expect such a man to have."

A Dance with Dragons - The Griffin Reborn

~He had lost it all at Stoney Sept, in his arrogance.~
~Robert Baratheon had been hiding somewhere in the town, wounded and alone. Jon Connington had known that, and he had also known that Robert's head upon a spear would have put an end to the rebellion, then and there~. He was young and full of pride. How not? King Aerys had named him Hand and given him an army, and he meant to prove himself worthy of that trust, of Rhaegar's love. He would slay the rebel lord himself and carve a place out for himself in all the histories of the Seven Kingdoms.

Other information gleaned from context

· Tarly did not inflict substantial casualties
· Robert won the battle of the trident within a year – Ashford is 282AC and the trident is 283
· Robert fled to and was sheltered in the stony sept, where Jon Connington failed to flush him out. The battle of the bells occurred in 283AC, as did the battle of the trident shortly after

Analysis

Randyll leads the van some distance ahead of the main force, gets into a battle with the rebels, and inflicts minor to moderate casualties before they escape. Tyrell takes the credit.
From a military point of view, if the battle had not been decided before the main force arrived, the war would have likely ended. A much larger force (with assumedly many more horsemen) would have won the battle both more conclusively, and been able to pursue. By all rights, the strategy enforced by Mace Tyrell should have won the war (this theme will come in later in this theory), but for the fact only a fraction of his army engaged far ahead of the main host.
As an aside and jumping ahead a little – Tarly avoids doing this after the blackwater, closing off escape routes and slaughtering everyone. This hints at the fact that Ashford was a tactical mistake.
The first three viewpoints we receive on the battle are of note.
· Tyrion points out the battle was indecisive, and ~decided before the main host arrived~. He focuses on the victory in ‘battle’ as opposed to war.
· Stannis points out how able Randyll is by defeating his brother once at Ashford. Although unable to ascribe any special military strategy to Randyll, he calls him ‘able’ and decided matters before Tyrell arrived. He also flags that Mace Tyrell claimed the honours for the victory and he thinks this undeserved. It’s interesting as it’s Maces host at Ashford, a host that by all rights should have crushed Roberts army in a single battle – given the van alone defeated him. He also ascribes the only kill of note as lord Cafferen
· Maester Pylos points out that Robert lost battles at Ashford and flags it was Tyrell who bested him.
The battle by all appearances, was a farce. Ashford could have ended the war. Arguably, even with the van alone deciding the fight, it very nearly did. Instead, the battle is determined indecisive, there is no ‘impressive kill and capture list’ indicating the host was not captured or killed (as opposed to routed), and Mace has this massive potentially war-ending host not doing much because Robert is in retreat before it arrives.
Furthermore despite all this, Tarly very nearly won the day at Ashford. Robert suffered a serious – but nonfatal wound that seemingly took months (and at least weeks) to recover. The fact that a seriously wounded Robert was able to escape despite distinctive armour and weaponry raises questions of its own.
Finally, when Robert was wounded and hidden in the aftermath whilst he recovered, narratively it allowed JonCon to lay siege to the stony sept. As a parallel, one of the themes I will later touch on is how Tarly changes after this battle, and we know JonCon swears to kill more and become Tywin 2.0. as a direct result of the events at the sept. We see a similar change in Tarly.
It’s also of note that Tarly and Tyrell at this point were on the Targaryen side. This crops up later when we look into other motivations and goals.
Aftermath
So we know that Robert suffers wounds and is somewhat detached from his host (be it they left him in the stoney sept or he scattered off from the main host). We know this as he ends up wounded in the Stoney Sept. After this, the battle of the bells and all the great victories that ended the war occur.
Notably, Tarly has no major military achievements after this battle. Since Mace Tyrell was invested in the siege of Storms end, it can be presumed Tarly was positioned with the main force. The next time we see him is in the battle of 5 kings –

Discussion with Renly – The Siege of Stannis

  • Renly outright ignores Tarly when he says they'll be charging into the sun. In renlys conversation with stannis he points out how overwhelmingly strong his force is and how it will be heavy horse charging into boiled leather. He's not wrong, if the armies clash, stannis will be crushed and waiting is potentially disastrous, as stannis may not engage or slow the whole process down.

Battle of the Blackwater

A Clash of Kings - Sansa VII

They came up the roseroad and along the riverbank, through all the fields Stannis had burned, the ashes puffing up around their boots and turning all their armor grey, but oh! the banners must have been bright, the golden rose and golden lion and all the others, the Marbrand tree and the Rowan~, Tarly's huntsman~ and Redwyne's grapes and Lady Oakheart's leaf. All the westermen, all the power of Highgarden and Casterly Rock! ~Lord Tywin himself had their right wing~ on the north side of the river, with Randyll Tarly commanding the center and ~Mace Tyrell the left,~ but the vanguard won the fight. They plunged through Stannis like a lance through a pumpkin, every man of them howling like some demon in steel. And do you know who led the vanguard? Do you? Do you? Do you?"

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn II

"I told you to hold Riverrun," said Robb. "What part of that command did you fail to comprehend?"
"When you stopped Lord Tywin on the Red Fork," said the Blackfish, "you delayed him just long enough for riders out of Bitterbridge to reach him with word of what was happening to the east. ~Lord Tywin turned his host at once, joined up with Matthis Rowan and Randyll Tarly~ near the headwaters of the Blackwater, and made a forced march to Tumbler's Falls, ~where he found Mace Tyrell and two of his sons waiting with a huge host and a fleet of barges~. They floated down the river, disembarked half a day's ride from the city, and took Stannis in the rear."

We know tywin likes to put his strength on his flanks and in the reserve

Interestingly, Mace is there too, and it’s a tyrell van this time, not tarly
Lord Tywin himself had their right wing on the north side of the river, with Randyll Tarly commanding the center and Mace Tyrell the left, but the vanguard won the fight. They plunged through Stannis like a lance through a pumpkin, every man of them howling like some demon in steel.
ACOK 62: SANSA VII

Analysis

First the parallels. Mace Tyrell is paralleled to Tywin on the two flanks. It is a tyrell in the van who decides the day. Randyll commands the center.
Logistically, the battle is won by Mace Tyrell (whom I love as a character) with a fleet of barges and a huge host already in position (allowing the army to cross quickly enough to intercept the battle of the blackwater). Also the messenger that draws in Tywin’s host comes from Bitterbridge – Tyrell Lands. Given the van wins the battle, there’s a fair argument that Mace could have won the battle alone, albeit with all the support he wins a crushing victory instead.
So Randyll is relegated to an important, but ultimately ancillary position. Whether the battle is won by Tywin or Mace (and by all logistical accounts, it’s Mace), is another question, but the ‘finest soldier in the seven kingdoms’ is once again, somewhat ineffectual. He still commands the center in such a battle, but he displays no logistical or battle prowess in this fight either, just being a renowned commander in the right place at the right time.

Battle of Duskendale

· Lord Randyll defeats a northern army. The army is mostly foot and misplaced
· This time, few excape – XXXX cuts off the retreat.
· Some theories say he was tipped off by Roose Bolton.
· This time he gets the commander
· Figth occurs in FIELDS AND FARMS. Bad terrain for a retreat. Glover TRAPPED against blackwater bay
· Note that Glover had to be captured lest bolton treachery be revealed. Cannot be allowed to send raven.
· Strong implication of a trap and tipoff

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn IV

When they brought him word of the battle at Duskendale, where Lord Randyll Tarly had shattered Robett Glover and Ser Helman Tallhart, he might have been expected to rage.

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion VIII

But who would be mad enough to contest Joffrey's rule now, after what had befallen Stannis Baratheon and Robb Stark? There was still fighting in the riverlands, but everywhere the coils were tightening. Ser Gregor Clegane had crossed the Trident and seized the ruby ford, then captured Harrenhal almost effortlessly. Seagard had yielded to Black Walder Frey, ~Lord Randyll Tarly held Maidenpool, Duskendale, and the kingsroad.~

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion III

"No," their father said. "With the war. Varys."
The eunuch smiled a silken smile. "I have such delicious tidings for you all, my lords. Yesterday at dawn our ~brave Lord Randyll caught Robett Glover outside Duskendale and trapped him against the sea. Losses were heavy on both sides, but in the end our loyal men prevailed. Ser Helman Tallhart is reported dead, with a thousand others. Robett Glover leads the survivors back toward Harrenhal in bloody disarray, little dreaming he will find valiant Ser Gregor and his stalwarts athwart his path."~

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion I

"Until Lord Redwyne brings his fleet up, we lack the ships to assail Dragonstone. It makes no matter. Stannis Baratheon's sun set on the Blackwater. ~As for Stark, the boy is still in the west, but a large force of northmen under Helman Tallhart and Robett Glover are descending toward Duskendale. I've sent Lord Tarly to meet them, while Ser Gregor drives up the kingsroad to cut off their retreat.~ Tallhart and Glover will be caught between them, with a third of Stark's strength."

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn IV

When they brought him word of the battle at Duskendale, where ~Lord Randyll Tarly had shattered Robett Glover and Ser Helman Tallhart,~ he might have been expected to rage. Instead he'd stared in dumb disbelief and said, "Duskendale, on the narrow sea? Why would they go to Duskendale?" He'd shook his head, bewildered. "A third of my foot, lost for Duskendale?"
"The ironmen have my castle and now the Lannisters hold my brother," Galbart Glover said, in a voice thick with despair. Robett Glover had survived the battle, but had been captured near the kingsroad not long after.

A Feast for Crows - Brienne II

Lord Randyll Tarly had commanded Joffrey's army, made up of westermen and stormlanders and knights from the Reach. Those men of his who had died here had been carried back inside the walls, to rest in heroes' tombs beneath the septs of Duskendale. The northern dead, far more numerous, were buried in a common grave beside the sea. Above the cairn that marked their resting place, the victors had raised a rough-hewn wooden marker. HERE LIE THE WOLVES was all it said. Brienne stopped beside it and said a silent prayer for them, and for Catelyn Stark and her son Robb and all the men who'd died with them as well.



Analysis

Firstly we start with the obvious comparison. Tarly lets Robert escape when Mace otherwise very nearly won the war. Given another chance, Randyll pins his enemy against the sea and plans to not let a man escape. Having somewhat surrounded the opponent on known land, with reinforcements (Clegane) behind him, he still manages to suffer heavy casualties, and the target (XXXX) escapes.
What a colossal mistake. The only good news is he intercepted enough of the force that it seems no ravens got sent off showing exactly what happened, as if one message got back, the whole red wedding could have been undone.
Now prior posts have analyzed duskendale about allowing paths of retreat, and number of losses, but I think there are three key takeaways
1) The stark contrast between this and his tactics at Ashford
2) The fact that he failed to capture the host and Gregor Clegane had to clean up the mess
3) The fact he suffered heavy losses when by all rights he had every advantage (and still failed to capture the army)
Interestingly, the message that gets to Robb is that Tarly shattered glover. The actual message from Varys is only 1000 were killed, with Tallhart. Now its difficult to say how many foot there were, but it’s not unreasonable to assume that 1000 is less than to around half the force. Clegane captures Glover in the aftermath (thankfully), and Robb gets the report that Tarly shattered the force, when in actuality a good chunk of it was Clegane.
As a sidenote- this is indicative that Clegane actually isn’t a bad commander, and in turn this makes the fact that Edmure Tully threw him back more impressive.
We also don’t hear of any captives other than the ones taken by Clegane. It appears Tarly is putting men to the sword (SEE EARLIER).
Now before we get into conspiracy theories, we see Glover in ADWD conspiring with Madderly to help the starks and Stannis, so it seems this was not some cunning scheme where he secretly got himself captured.
Interestingly, the graves Brienne sees seem to indicate a crushing victory for Tarly, like the one described by Robb. This however is at odds with the report of Varys, and the fact Clegane had to mop up the leftover army. Now there are a few possibilities for this. Varys could be wrong/lying, heavy losses is being thrown around as a relative term (but that seems suspect), or the total of Tarly dead and Clegane’s role is being hidden. The last seems the most likely, Robb hears of a crushing defeat led by Tarly not Clegane (which we know is at least partially false), the dead he kills don’t add up, and there’s no mention of Clegane whom definitely did some of the work.
Also even assuming the whole situation is true and Tarly killed men at a 2/1 ratio, this assumes there are 500 heroes tombs under the septs at Duskendale. Simply put, there may not be that many. The whole aftermath stinks of a coverup. Tarly is getting Cleganes credit (and interestingly, it’s around now that Tywin decides not to give Clegane to oberyn).
Finally we get to the tinfoily bit. Helman garrisoned with Walder Frey to make sure he kept peace. Of the two lords, Helman is arguably more problematic, he knows more of Frey habits (when Tywin is scheming a betrayal) and his nephew is a possible hornwood claimant (cough Roose cough). If there was a conspiracy to kill one and ransom the other – I can see a world where Talhart is the one to be killed. In all reality though, this is a bit too ambitious, and in reality one just died and one escaped – without some super scheme that Tarly was involved in.
So in summary – once again Tarly fails his mission. At best, he bloodies an out of position army whilst taking heavy casualties, with his reinforcements on the way, and half the army breaks free (admittedly into Clegane). This is not a great display of prowess. We also know its possible to capture these men as hostages, as Clegane successfully does so – and Tarly fails to once again. Now it’s not catastrophic as the Northerners are bleeding men and trading troops tit for tat is beneficial, but the battle itself (the thing Randyll is in charge of) is highly unimpressive. The strategic victory goes to Tywin, whom in truth entrusts it as much to Gregor Clegane as to Tarly. As it so happens, Clegane delivers and Tarly doesn’t.


A summary as a commander

Talk about failing upwards
· Charging ahead, he is able to turn a crushing win into an indecisive one which ultimately leads to Roberts Rebellion succeeding
· He gives counsel to Renly about the sun when renly knows that the sheer strength of his cavalry makes the issue moot. Renly all but ignores him.
· He doesn’t appear to do much during the battle of the blackwater
· He manages to mess up essentially an ambush at Duskendale despite reinforcements being on the way
· As a result of the 4 above points, he is given, lands, titles, honors and a position on the small council.
Upon actually reviewing his achievements and each individual battle, I’ve 180’d on Tarly. George RR Martin does a great job building him up, and having everyone describe him as a great commander, but actually unpacking his battles, he looks pretty underwhelming. The most important battle he won was Ashford, but that was a strategic catastrophe which otherwise could have potentially let Mace Tyrell win the war. Afterwards he’s carefully managed, with Renly outright dismissing him, Mace keeping the key positions of command in other people’s hands and Tywin going so far as to dispatch a trusted force behind him in the event he fails again – WHICH HE DOES.


Politicks, Loyalties and Conspiracies

There’s a lot to get through so I’m not going to source everything here. Rather, I’ll list dot points, and we will be collecting everything under theories. In time it may be worth sourcing this all, but for now, I want to get something out – so it’ll be shortform
· Historically house is blackfyre
· Renly Sworn NOT STANNIS
· Joined at bitterbridge to Renly
· Shadowbaby and killing others
· VIEWS ON MAESTERS
· Killing Stannis supporters at bitterbridge
· Saving Brienne
· Helping Brienne / Bewilderment
· Views on Women and Strongmen
· Sam, Maesters, the Marches and Strength
· Maidenpool Rulership
· Renown amonst common men
· Downplaying the Golden Company
· Bravosi Debts
· Taking the QUEEN ahead of Mace Tyrell

Theoreis Stemming off Data

The Blackfyre Theory

Let’s assume that Randyll supported the Blackfyres because his house traditionally were Blackfyre Loyalists. This is a little thin on evidence, but quite a few of his actions also support this, lending some credence to the theory
1) He swore to Renly not Stannis.
a. Stannis was 17 or 18 when he held storms end. He is approximately 13 years older than Renly, making Renly 5 at the time. This means that during Roberts Rebellion, for all relevant purposes, Renly was a non-participant, whilst Stannis actively fought against the dragons. If Randyll is a dragon supporter, his repulsion at joining Stannis is apparent.
b. In fact, he goes as far as to kill stannis supporters at bitterbridge to consolidate the reach forces. This is interesting as it contrasts stannis whom takes pains to not kill the karstarks to a man once he realizes their treason.
2) He downplays the golden company
a. At the end of AFWC, Randyll is downplaying the golden company as much as he can. If we assume he is pro-dragon, this gives time for the blackfyre cause to swell, as he delays Kevan Lannister to the best of his ability
3) He hates the Maesters
a. Between the Grand Maester Conspiracy [LINK], lady Dustin’s general hatred of Maesters and Marwyn’s comments about Maesters and Dragons, it seems credible that dragon supporters may have cause to mistrust Maesters. Indeed, we get hints of this from Doran, and a general mistrust of Maesters by some of the lesser lords.
i. "I would need a bucket, with this pain. Thank you, but no. I want my wits about me. I'll have no more need of you tonight."
b. This explains also why he is so determined Sam will not become a Maester and why he drives him to the nights watch. If he is a loyalist, he’s never going to let a member of his family into an enemy order. If Sam is given any sort of free reign in a role other than lord, he’s going to end up a Maester (indeed even at the nights watch he ends up there, despite his protests and fears of his fathers wroth).
4) Do we actually see any trouble in the marches. I don’t think we do and it’s only STANNIS who fears dorne through the marches, not Tarly or Tyrell. In fact, this area is left undefended when they march on the blackwater.
a. I have a sub-theory that despite complaining a lot, we don’t see any real antagonism between Dorne and the reach throughout the series, just some loud complaining that makes us think of antagonism. Oberyn hints at this to Tyrion.
5) Killing Florents
a. Florents have ties to Stannis
b. Florents are Tyrell rivals
c. Florents instantly defect to stannis. Note they were set aside by dragons over highgarden
d. Their protests were denied by King Aegon I, perhaps because the Florents had fought House Targaryen when the Tyrells did not.
e. https://www.reddit.com/asoiaf/comments/3tr6gx/spoilers_all_house_of_the_week_house_florent/
i. Theories florents Green
6) This is of course also consistent with him racing Ahead of Mace Tyrell’s army and having the Tyrell queen taken into his personal custody. Unfortunately, this bodes badly for our lovely doe-eyed Margery. Oh well.
7) ~If it were up to me, I would send them all to the Night's Watch, and Connington with them. The Wall is where such scum belong."~ He’s setting it up so the only legitimate claimant of JonCon’s lands is in fact, JonCon. Obviously a new lord can be appointed, but this suggested move adds legitimacy to the blackfyre cause, removing the heir apparent and putting JonCon back in his ancestral lands without a real challenger.

1) The ‘show of strength / toxic masculinity theory’
a. This theory has to do with Tarly appearing competent millirarily rather than being competent. He doles harsh justice and havy discipline, which in some ways hides his lackluster results as a commander. I should note this is the weakest of the three theories, but it sort of feeds into the other two.
b. This would be indicative of his hatred for Sam. The moment the ‘veil’ of masculinity and strength is lifted, his actual achievements are lackluster
c. After ashford he appears much more brutal than before. We have no indication he was brutal pre Ashford, and post ashford he’s executing enemies, cornering and murdering northmen to a man (as best he can at least) and doling out harsher justice than his peers
d. Every character who speaks of Tarly speaks of his millirary accolades. I think his ‘larger than life’ persona has played at least a part in this, and Tarly looks the part as the veteran commander.
e. I ought to note this theory doesn’t stop Tarly from playing the game of thrones, it just suggests he isn’t an exceptional tactical commander. Logistically, he has always been with the winning side as a vassal, he’s been able to spin every battle to gain honors and accolades, and he has a knack for being in the right place at the right time (declaring for renly early, being in the van at ashford etc.)
f. All that aside, this theory also doesn’t stop Tarly from being a jerk. Given how he acts to Sam and both towards and around Brienne, we are naturally inclined to mislike him as a harsh leader.
2) Not as dumb as he looks theory
a. He’s taken the queen into his personal Custody. We literally heard from Renly back in book 1 – he who holds the XXXX holds the crown. With all the chaos in the recent books, it’s easy to miss, but this is a huge move in the game of thrones. The Tyrells do not have the queen. Tarly does.
b. As far as I can tell, he’s never been at real risk in a battle since Ashford. He had backup and numbers at duskendale, a massive host at the blackwater, The Siege of Storms End was just a great big preservation of army by Mace whilst Roberts rebellion raged, and the Siege on Stannis was totally lopsided but for magic shadow-baby.
c. Dorne does not seem to have acted against him once nor demanded concessions. [CHECK]. For a lord in the Dornish Marches which have been tumultuous for years, this is somewhat of a big deal. He also seems to be unafraid of moving his forced forward – we have no indication he left levies to protect himself from Dorne, hinting that he wasn’t afraid of Dorne misbehaving (even if only to harry border towns, a bit like Bolton grabbing up the hornwood lands).
d. He sucks up to the bravosi Banker when all the debts are being called in. We have this picture of this strong, just, military man, but the banker scene shows he’s not just a sword arm, and he knows when to suck up. This is important as it shows he is at least considering the wider world and the future outside of the battles, as opposed to a certain dwarf whom never actually meets the bankers.
e. He has turned a bunch of mediocre achievements into being renowned as the greatest soldier in the realm. By all rights, Stannis and Robb are much better commanders (with the caveat that Robb was only good tactically). If we want to get nasty, Mace Tyrell has only won crushing victories – with the exception of ashford (messed up by Tarly) and storms end (where he lost no troops in a rebellion that depleted most of the realm).
i. The most competent appearing thing he said was to not charge into the sun, which was largely irrelevant when plated heavy cavalry is charging into boiled leather. As Renly said to Stannis, his force wouldn’t survive first impact, so this whole sun business is a bit silly.
ii. Arguably the most competent thing was executing all the soldiers considering going over to Stannis, but I’m not sure if this is truly competent or just brutality – Stannis did not do the same with the Karstarks in a similar position.
f. He’s bypassed succession laws. By getting rid of Sam he has set himself up with his chosen heir. Look at the thorny knot Tywin tied himself with Tyrion, whom still arguably is the rightful heir to Castelry Rock (which he made full use of with the Second Suns). We know Maesters can be kicked out of the order (see our favourite necromancer), and can be used to play with succession (Aemon is a good example, albeit he said no) and I don’t really see Sam as a priest.
i. There’s actually a good question as to whether he would have killed Sam. The gods hate kinslayers, and the threat sufficed. If we assume tarly isn’t an idiot, he would have realized the threat likely sufficient.
g. Given how he sets himself up at Maidenpool, its hinted that the Maidenpool land is part of his reward for the blackwater. We never hear of exactly ‘what’ Tarly’s reward is, except in the aftermath he’s patrolling Duskendale (still seemingly with house Rykker),, Maidenpool and the kings road, and seems to be setting himself up in Maidenpool for the long haul. In AFFC, Tarly’s heir is married off to Eleanor Mooton (the seeming heiress to maidenpool) and Tommen pardons Moonton. Maidenpool is a major port in the world of Ice and Fire, which would make it a fine reward[[1]](#_ftn1).
1.

Other key takeaways

BRIENNE THING

A Feast for Crows - Brienne III

Randyll Tarly solved the mystery the day he sent two of his men-at-arms to summon her to his pavilion. His young son Dickon had overheard four knights laughing as they saddled up their horses, and had told his lord father what they said.

… "The gods made men to fight, and women to bear children," said Randyll Tarly. "A woman's war is in the birthing bed."
Someone was coming down the cellar steps. Brienne pushed her wine aside as a ragged, scrawny, sharp-faced man with dirty brown hair stepped into the Goose. He gave the Tyroshi sailors a quick look and Brienne a longer one, then went up to the plank. "Wine," he said, "and none o' your horse piss in it, thank'e."

JUSTICE THING


Battle of the Blackwater – a step Sideways



In short
Randyll Tarly is a shrewd Blackfyre loyalist who now has custody of the queen, a position on the small council and whom is not considered a political threat. He’s not half the commander he’s made out to be, probably has anti-maester sentiment and is possibly friendly with Doran Martell. And he has an army.
This has been quite a ride and I’m sure I got many details wrong so let’s end on a high note. Given all this, I expect Randyll to sacrifice Margery and prove ser pounce’s lineage to the age of conquest. Tommen will blindly stamp a document marrying himself to the cat, the white walkers will be appeased (their problem is only humans), and everyone lives happily ever after except for Danerys who dies.
Maidenpool
https://preview.redd.it/4gfx1jxsbd1d1.png?width=217&format=png&auto=webp&s=a6c648fe2853a80f249aeae5546a21b38b4123e9

submitted by Orange_Menace1 to asoiaf [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:23 Neither_Train_8579 2 Memories that plague my mind that shows signs of PTSD that my family refuses to believe that happened

The first one is I (3-4 female at the time) was picked up by my mom's the en boyfriend at the time (21-22 male at the time) from the head start program in my neighborhood which is to teach kids as early as 3 years old. I got in trouble that day for telling a kid who we will can Devon to fuck off because he had been bullying me ever since school started that year. When I got home my mom's then boyfriend whooped my ass because of me cursing and my mom came home and told him he wasn't my father and that he wasn't allowed to put his hands on me. Then that night it was around maybe 11PM I was in the bathroom using the bathroom and after I was done I decided to go through the cabinet under the sink because I had never seen what was under there before. I found a little tape and didn't know what it was but all I knew was the film could come out and I had hella fun taking it out. Reminder I was 3-4 at the time I didn't know better. My mom's then boyfriend caught me and was fuming like if smoke could come out of his ears it would've. He snatched the tape out of my hand and tired to fix it but when he couldn't he picked me up by the cooler of my shirt and tossed me into my room which is kind of right in front on the bathroom. (Which is now his daughter's room.) And I slid and hid my head on my dresser which right in front of my window right across from the bedroom door. And my mom heard the commotion and took me to the doctors and I got stitches. Oh and they're not together now but he still lives with us, my mom gave birth to his first and only child in 2020. He's only here to be apart of her life and help around with the house.
The send story is again when I was younger but only a bit older I had to be around 6 because I was in first grade. I went to school on he bus like I usually did and got my breakfast on the way there. This is were I mention I'm a person of color and the following people I'm about to mention weren't in the slightest. I got both apple juice and orange juice. This group of boys who sat at a table not too far away from me asked me if I wanted to join their little "apple juice race" as they called it. I told them a clear no and they kept trying to insist until I started ignoring them. I naturally drink everything I drink super fast and my teacher who happened to be standing behind me heard everything and I finished breakfast as I normally did but when I was done she pulling me out of the class room aboutthe conversation and I told her that they wouldn't leave me alone and I naturally drink things fast and she could ask me my mom. She thought I told them no but still joined without them knowing and I kept denying it and instead of listening to the crying little girl telling the truth she went with her own thought and gave me detention but the boys who were engaging in peer pressure didn't and here it's literally against the law. So I had to stay after school and my mom picked me up after finding out I had detention and when I explained what happened all she said was "It's a choking hazard so it may have worried her." But that's not a good reason at all to give someone detention that's on my record for life now. I told some people as I got older and they were saying because I'm a child of color she was profiling and she was being racist. I'm not sure though. If she some how find out abt this fuck you Mrs. Fowly I hope your daughter breaks a limb or two. :3 You've literally scared me for life hope ya happy.
So what do you think is his PTSD? Or am I tweekin?
submitted by Neither_Train_8579 to TrueStoriesOnly [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:10 greek_and_geek Another FTM struggling with guilt

Hi all, I'm going to tell a similar story to so many others I've read here and there about feeling guilty for feeding my baby formula.
I have a 3 month old son, currently combo fed - I pump and give him one meal per day from me and the rest is formula. I wanted to breastfeed because I know natural mother's milk is the best thing for a baby, but I wasn't ready for the challenges ahead.
Since he was born he was a very hungry baby, 1 oz was often not enough for him. Meanwhile my milk did not come through straight away, I had to pump my colostrum and gave it to him with a bottle. I tried to breastfeed him without giving him formula as much as possible, but he was falling asleep on my breast every time, I had to keep waking him up and repeat, and when I was putting him down he was always waking up hungry. This process of course would take hours and it was physically and emotionally draining.
Eventually, because I was supplementing with formula my supply dropped and the LO would latch for a couple of minutes and then start screaming on my breast with frustration every single time - that was heart breaking 💔 watching his little face in pain. I felt useless that I was unable to feed my son, something that so many moms have done successfully.
I know that so many women have successfully breastfed for over a year and were willing to keep their baby on their breast 24 / 7, and for that I blame myself that I didn't have the strength and patience. I keep reading about women who breastfed for 1 or 2 years and beyond and I'm wondering if my baby will ever have health issues because he's mainly formula fed.
I know deep down that most likely he will be just fine as so many other formula fed babies, but I do worry about his health in the future. There are so many articles which focus on the benefits on breastfeeding, plus WHO recommends breastfeeding for at least a year 🤔 Anyways, I still struggle with guilt at times and I hope I'm not harming my baby. At least for now, he's a very happy chap smiling at me all the time bubbling his little words 😊
I just wanted to unpack a little bit here in this community.
Thank you for reading.
submitted by greek_and_geek to FormulaFeeders [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:04 doodoobear666 Wah

Ughhhh i really thought the way in my last post would really last a little bit longer but it did not.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still pretty positive and pushing but lifes stressors just fucking blow major chunks dude.
Everything is making me angry, every person that makes me angry i get the ideations. Its always the same body part/s i focus on.
My clients are driving me up a wall. I have to fly across the US to Texas for a graduation party and wedding. I haven’t even booked my tickets and I’m supposed to leave in two days😭
Man all i see is literal liquid red everywhere. I’m terrified to go home because my grandpa gets violent everytime i do something he doesn’t like. Like lets say i get long acrylic nails, he’ll grab my hand’s until they hurt while he lectures me on them. I am a 21 year old woman dude i am grown😭
A few years back he beat tf out of me for coming out as gay to my grandma, since then I’ve forgotten it for my grandmas sake as she is the last tie i have to my dead mom.
I got my lips injected i have blonde extensions i look like dolly fuckin parton man. I look like a whore…thats literally what i am and i have no patience for my grandpas bs.
I’m scared we’re gonna fight again and hes gonna attempt to beat me and I’m actually gonna loose it this time. I find myself wishing they would both just d13 so i didn’t have to deal with their bs. Even tho i love my grandma more than anything in the world.
I’m just scared as shit of him and myself. I cant exactly not stay with them because my grandmas only child is dead and she also has bpd and will freak if I dont stay with her (unless her husband kicks my ass in front of her then ig she understands it then) so i cant really explain this to a pushing 80 year old woman all this stuff.
Ugh this shit sucks i wish i had healthy coping mechanisms i literally just am gonna be high the entire time which tbh will prolly get me whooped too but at least ill be too sedated to do something dangerous so in the words of ric flair woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
submitted by doodoobear666 to homicidalrecovery [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:59 MorpheusTheKnight My guardians stole 28k+ from me.

I’ll try to put in as much information as possible, but I’m not sure anything can even be done as I’ve already been kicked out as of 4 months ago, and I turned 18 in December of last year.
My mother died of breast cancer in October of 2019, and she was my primary parent, she had nothing money wise left for her kids as she had been fighting cancer for months and wasn’t able to work. My father was not in the picture. My aunt(SAHM 30) and uncle(30) in law on my dad’s side took me and my younger sister in, she was 10, I was 14. They also have their own child, who is very young, she mightve been 4 when we came?? But For majority of that time it was absolutely horrible, not because my mom died, but because the people who took us in are emotionally abusive and manipulative. They even admitted that they never wanted me or my sister in the first place.
My dad died from drug overdose April of 2022, two years ago. Officially making me and my sister Orphans. I don’t know when my aunt and uncle started getting security benefits, but I know they never saved any of it. Not for me, and not for my sister. We never got allowances, (my sister still isn’t) either. For the first year our living situation was very unstable, we first lived with my uncles mother for a few months before we got evicted, then we lived with my aunts grandpa for a few months, and then we found a place to actually settle down, we lived there for the remainder of the time. I can understand them having been tight on money for the first year, even year and a half. But my uncle had a steady well job for the entire time I lived there, that allowed for them to buy themselves plenty of pleasures(despite claiming to have lived paycheck to paycheck) such as new mattresses for them and their kid, a trampoline(that only their kid could use or she’d scream and cry about it), at LEAST 4 packs of cigarettes a week, as well as vapes and pens and weed too, a Nintendo, a Xbox, maybe 5 controllers, a small pool, new phones, new iPads, new TV’s, so much goddamn food because my aunt is nearly obese and eats 5 meals a day with her toddler, ymca memberships, daycares, every streaming service possible, new furniture for themselves, new cars, too many (expensive)toys for their kid, they put their kid in special therapies and private school too(because she is “autistic”, she’s not, my aunt is just trying to get disability checks) and there’s a million more things I could go on about.
I’ll describe half of my 16th year, and majority of my 17th year for you. When I was sixteen, I got my job and I worked every week, I got paid into my back account every week, and I saved money. I obviously had newfound financial freedom and would spend money and buy myself stuff all the time, when I turned 17, my guardians decided that it was too expensive to drive me to work anymore or school or pick me up(it was my senior year and I had two senior study halls), yet i wasn’t allowed to have a car until I turned 18 because they didn’t want me on their insurance, and also refused to let me get my license until a few days before my 18th birthday because “if you have a license and live here we have to add you on our insurance.” I also had at this point bought my own phone with my money, and paid my own phone bills, I also was working 2 jobs ontop school to afford to Uber to work, to school, and home (the school wouldn’t allow me to stay during my off periods), as well as my phone bills, and feed myself because by the time I would get home it was late and they wouldn’t save me any dinner. I was relying on my older sister, my brother, and my friend’s mom to transport me in the times I couldn’t afford it. The last few months, I was at my friends house more than I was actually at my own. I told my guardians I was going to graduate a semester early, January of 2024, that way I could take a full year break to save money for college. shortly after I told them they told me how much the security benefits have been, 1,200 a month, and that if I graduated early, because I wouldn’t be in a primary school anymore and be 18, they won’t get money anymore. They told me that if I stay for the remainder of the year they would give me my 1,200 every month for the few months I’d be in school until I graduated and they’d charge me rent, but if I DONT stay I needed to be out of the house by February.
They never saved any of the money for me, in all four years of them receiving social security, they never saved it, never bought me anything big or expensive, except some parts for a PC(after they sold my first one.) at some point, when my dad died I inherited a car, they told me they’ll buy it from my grandpa for 1,000 and when I go buy my car, he’ll give that to me. When I asked my grandpa about it, he claimed they never gave him any money, when I asked them about it they told me to talk to my grandpa.
Over the two years I knew for sure they were getting security deposits, I was supposed to have 28k, but I’m pretty sure they were getting it for all four years I lived with them, it would’ve been over 50 thousand.
My brother has been able to help me get a running vehicle, and I live with my sister for cheap rent but even then Im barely scraping by every month, and my sister is moving next month so I’m soon to be homeless if I don’t find somewhere to go, and all my savings were blown trying to buy a car. I can’t imagine how better off my life could be right now if they ever even gave a single fuck about me or my sister.
I’m wondering if there’s anything I could even do now? There isn’t much of a way I could prove they never used the money for me, but you never know. I live in South Carolina.
submitted by MorpheusTheKnight to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:58 Amyla53 Puppy having diarrhea because of cerenia before neuter

Species: Dog Age: 8 months Sex/Neuter status: No Breed: Boston Terrier Body weight: 17lbs History: Recently ate some toy stuffing but vomited it back up Clinical signs: Diarrhea Duration: Past 2 days Your general location: Pacific Northwest, USA
On Friday, my dog vomited up some toy stuffing. I didn’t know how long ago he ate it or how much. Afterwards, he was pooping fine and eating, leading me to think that he got it all out of his system. I went to the vet who gave him a physical examination and said that he was fine but just to monitor him. She prescribed him some Cerenia to help with the vomiting. He is due to get neutered on Monday, and he needs to take cerenia the night before anyways, so the vet gave me 3 doses and told me to just give him 1 a day, Friday Saturday Sunday. On Friday, the vet gave it to him mid-day, and Saturday I gave it with his dinner, and both times around 9 hours later he has explosive diarrhea. I'm thinking this has to be because of the meds. His other poops throughout the day are normal, and he is eating fine. I reaaaaallly don’t want to give him the last dose, especially if it means cleaning up diarrhea at 2 am. Also, I feel like making him have diarrhea 3 days in a row can’t be good for him. Are there any alternative medicines I can get for the neuter or do I just have to suck it up? The vet did say they could give him a cerenia shot the morning of the neuter instead of the pill, would that have different side effects (no diarrhea)? The vet is closed on the weekends, so I can’t ask them directly. I can take him to an emergency hospital to get other medications though.
submitted by Amyla53 to AskVet [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:57 Logical_Act_6927 My boyfriend makes me paranoid and I don’t know what to do

TLDR: My boyfriend is amazing, but has depression which makes him constantly upset and irritated with me, making me extremely paranoid and on edge with everything I say because i’m scared he’ll get upset. He keeps saying he’d change, but goes back to how he was, but he is now seemingly making more of an effort to change by changing his medication and going to therapy. I still feel very paranoid and anxious with him even though he is doing better, but i’m worried that in the process of him getting fully better, he’ll go back to how he was, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. He is an amazing man and I love him so much, but I’m worried I will always feel on edge when I’m with him. Any advice?
Hi! A little backstory, my boyfriend (19M) suffers from depression, and has always taken medication for it since he was younger. Right before we met, he had taken a gap year to focus on his mental health, and got to a point where he went off his medication because he didn’t like how it made him feel (zombie-like). We first met (we technically already knew each other but that’s besides the point)around 4-5 months before he would’ve started college again, and got together around 2 months into being friends. As school came around, he became really scared that he would have to take another gap semesteyear, because even though getting off his medication helped to an extent, he was still struggling with dealing with his mental health. At the same time, he was worried about getting on medication because he told me that he experiences and adjustment period for the first 6 weeks that causes him to become irritable and agitated very easily and have increased suicidal ideation, but even after the adjustment period, irritability would still be a side effect that he had to deal with and manage.
Eventually, when school started, his mental health did become worse, so he decided to get on medication again, and he did go through an adjustment period. It was a struggle- it was hard seeing him very sad and depressed all the time, and I always tried to help him as best as I could- offering to help him get ready in the morning/drive him to school if he couldn’t get out of bed, helping him with assignments, etc.
At the same time, he definitely became constantly agitated with me. If I didn’t hear him say something and asked him to repeat it (although this was also an issue before he started the medication, but i feel like it got more pronounced), he would basically get very clearly annoyed and quiet, barely talking to me or shutting me down with one word responses. If i didn’t text him for a couple of hours (i have adhd and will sometimes forget to text, which i know is reasonable to be upset about, but he would also do the same thing when playing games with friends), or talked just a bit too much (another adhd symptom, which again i understand can get annoying because i can sometimes go on for VERY long), or if i forget something (an item, memory, or something he told me before), or if we have a recurring joke but for some reason just didn’t like it that day, or if i called him on the phone unprompted (which he does to me too, so i didn’t know that was something i couldn’t do) or if i just say any normal thing but for some reason he just didn’t like it that day, i would be met with irritation, passive aggressiveness, and the silent treatment. I would’ve been slightly more okay with it if it was just a few minutes and then he was back to normal, but he would continue like this for HOURS. If we started talking in the evening, and i said something that slightly annoyed him, it was basically a guarantee that he would be essentially silent for the rest of the night. Not only that, but this happened almost every single day.
I’d like to note that he never expressed his irritation in an angry way, or yelled/said harmful things about me/did anything physical, he would just become very quiet, and anything he did say was very clearly in an irritated voice, as well as passive aggressive remarks.
Eventually, I talked about this with him. When i did, i basically completely forgot that his medication was a reason for a lot of what was happening, so when i talked to him about it, I didn’t mention medication at all. He told me that his medication caused a lot of his agitation and at first accused me of not believing that his medication caused side effects/not taking them seriously, but eventually apologized and said that it wasn’t an excuse and that he’d do better, but also said that sometimes i misinterpreted him as upset when he really wasn’t (which tbh i don’t believe, because sometimes if i pointed something out that he did, he’d say he wasn’t upset or annoyed at all, but a day or two later, tell me he was irritated with me).
He did do better for a bit, but after around a month it basically went to the same way it was before. This went on for a few months, I continued to have conversations with him, he continued to tell me he’d do better, and he would be a bit until he wasn’t. To be fair, after the 6 week adjustment period was over, he still was not doing well at all for about another month, and so he increased his medication dose, which made him have another adjustment period, and he did tell me that his biggest concern was how he’d treat me during that time, so I decided to keep being patient until he got his medication under control.
Fast forward a couple of months, and I was seeing improvements- until about 2 months ago. We saw each other a lot more often; before this time, we’d usually see each other 1-2 times a week and we’d have some sleepovers, but in those two months, i’d stay over at his house for 3-5 days a week. During this time, his irritation got way worse. He definitely valued his independence, but would continuously ask me to stay over, it wasn’t like I urged him to let me stay over. Here are some examples of things that happened:
  1. before i came over, he told me how he didn’t want to think about making food because he was stressed over schoolwork. I asked him if I could make him something, he told me yes, so I made pizza while he showered. I’ve made pizza several times before, he made it once with me(also, i’ve cooked for years while he only started occasionally baking things when we got together since i liked to cook/bake), and when he came down, he saw the pizza dough was slightly stickier than it looked when he made it with me. He got annoyed and kept asking what I did wrong, and that from now on, i should only cook when he was with me to make sure I don’t mess it up, and then basically became extremely quiet for the next 15-30 minutes. I think he realized he sounded super weird saying this, and tried to turn it into a joke after those 30 minuted, but it made me feel really bad in the moment becsude I only wanted to do something nice for him. By the way, the pizza turned out great- my friend came over to eat with us and told us it was one of the best pizzas she’s ever had.
  2. These next few are connected: The next day, he was at school, and I happened to not have school that day so I stayed at his house while he was there to rest because I had a really bad headache. Again, the past few days he told me how stressed he was about school, so I wanted to surprise him. I cleaned his room, made pizza sauce for pizza since we had extra dough (he really likes the pizza), and made him cookies because he told me he was craving them a few days before. He took an uber to school (he couldn’t drive yet at this point), and so I also offered to pick him up.
* The first thing that happened was he has a mildly confusing alarm system I had to disable before going outside to get to the car. If i didn’t do the steps correctly, the alarm would sound. Basically, I had to disable the alarm, go through the garage door and close it fully, press the button to open the garage, go back inside and press another button tot turn the alarm back on, and go out the garage door while it’s beeping and fully close the door again to stop the beeping. He told me these directions and I followed them, and the beeping continue to happen even after I closed the door. i texted him that I was walking out the garage but there was still beeping, he told me it was okay, but then the alarm went off. I think he thought that I didn’t close the garage door yet, which is why he thought it was okay? But apparently I didn’t wait for him to fully give him instructions (which I was genuinely confused about bc even looking back at the texts now he did), and he got extremely frustrated with me, telling me that because I didn’t properly follow directions, it was now going to call his parents. He kept saying that it was whatever, and that he’d just take an uber, but I apologized profusely and kept telling him that I’d do it right. He texted his mom, and apparently he told me to press the wrong button, and that i need to press a different one instead after going back in through the garage door. In the moment, he kept saying that the other button was still right and always works for him, but later he admitted that he was probably wrong about it. * The second thing that happened isn’t really a big deal, but i’ll still include it. My boyfriend also has anxiety, and is a very big backseat driver. However, backseat driving makes me extremely paranoid and be a worse driver, so it’s just a never ending cycle. I would be following the directions on the GPS, and he would keep telling me the directions as if I can’t see them myself. For example, if i’m about to turn right, he’d would keep repeating “turn right over here” a bunch of times, each one more with more urgency, as if it isn’t what I was already doing. He will pick apart everything I do, and tell me not to talk too much or turn the music up too loud because it would distract me. Again, to be fair, because of my ADHD, I do get distracted easily, even on the road, but it’s usually pretty manageable, and I’m able to talk on the phone/listen to music when driving when I’m by myself. The problem is with him, I get paranoid over what i’m doing, so I get distracted, and I guess that makes it seem like the music/talking is what’s distracting me. Again, when he backseat drives, he also gets extremely agitated/quiet, and he basically continued on like that for the next few hours. * Lastly, when we got home, he was irritated over everything I did. I did leave a bit later than I told him I would because of the things I was preparing (i think i left at 3:15 instead of 3), but I told him beforehand, and he told me to take my time and come anytime I wanted to since I was going out of my way to drive him(be told me this right when I offered to drive him and after I told him i’d be a bit late). When we got home, I told him about what i made and that I cleaned his room, but he got upset because I made the pizza sauce/cookies because he wanted us to do it together. I told him that I would’ve loved to make them together, but just wanted to surprise him because he told me he had a lot of work to do and told me he was craving cookies earlier. He said that he didn’t have as much work anymore, and told me that he thought I knew that because he told me the assignments he need to do (i did know that most of the deadlines were for that day and the day before, but he told me he had some deadlines for a few days after and had told me his whole week was busy, but I guess to him I should’ve know that most of his pressing work would’ve been done that day). He was upset with me again for another few hours, and I tried to tell him there were things we could still do together like assemble the pizza, make something the next day, etc, but he wasn’t having it. Eventually a few hours later he got over it and told me he appreciated that I made him those things, and he was disappointed that we couldn’t do it together, and then mentioned that he was grateful that I cleaned up for him (he didn’t mention it before). 
Several other things happened, but I think that’s enough to somewhat get the picture. The biggest thing that happened though was just a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t seen each other in maybe 2-3 weeks, and so I was really excited to get to see him. He had an exam that day, so I offered to drive him, and he again said that he didn’t want to worry about making food. The day before he told me he was craving pizza, so yet again I said i’d make it before i came over (starting to think pizza and me driving is cursed). I asked him before if it was okay that I made him pizza, and he said yes, and so we agreed that I would get to his house around 2 (it was maybe 10 am at the time). I bought supplies and started making the pizza. after a while though, I guess he changed his mind about me making the pizza because it took a while. Around 1, I could tell he was getting annoyed. He kept saying that the pizza wasn’t important enough bc i could’ve been at his house already. I finished making the pizza and got to his house pretty early, maybe 5-10 minutes before 2. After that, I was still waiting in the car for another 30 minutes because he was still getting ready, and he got to my car around 2:30. He was still very upset and annoyed with me and gave me the silent treatment. I tried to keep the mood light, but again, he just didn’t say anything. When we were driving, I asked him if he wanted to play music, and what song I should play, but just… complete silence, not even a nod or head shake or anything. For the entire ride he was just on his phone, texting a few friends, and I started to silently cry because I felt so unappreciated. When we got to his campus, he went to a reserved room, but I had to stay in the car because i have a tutoring job that’s online, and had a session at the same time we parked. The person I was supposed to tutor wasn’t there for the session, which was lucky for me because right when my boyfriend left, I started sobbing. When I got out of the car I was still crying as I was walking across the street, and decided to call my friend to take my mind off of everything. Her girlfriend also went to the same college as my boyfriend, and I didn’t know exactly where I was supposed to go, so I called her to help me find where I needed to go. Since we were calling, I didn’t see some texts my boyfriend sent me, but I finally found the room. I was a bit cheered up from my friend but still sad, but wanted to act happy and normal in case he was just randomly in a bad mood and just needed a distraction. When I came in, I was happy to see him and made some jokes, but all he said was “why didn’t you text me” in the most monotone, upset voice. I told him that I was sorry and forgot, would do better next time, and was going to explain that I was on the phone so i didn’t see his texts, but he interrupted me and said something like “i don’t care about you telling me you’re going to do better, just actually do it” in the meanest, irritated tone. It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all, but he has never retorted at me like that before, especially in the way he did. That was my final straw, and I just completely broke down and started crying. He kept asking me to talk to him and tell me what I was thinking, which only made it worse because it was pretty clear as to why I was crying. He comforted me, apologized, and then had to leave for his exam. For the next 4 hours he was in his exam, I was just crying nonstop. When he came back, I was still crying, and he kept apologizing and asked if I was going to break up with him. I told him I wasn’t, and then told him that this happened so often and I felt like no matter what I did, there was something I was doing wrong, and that I felt unloveable. He again apologized a lot and told me he loved me, and later told me that he really wanted to change his medication and get therapy.
A few days later, a similar thing happened, but not to that extent. My boyfriend just got his license and offered to pick me up from one of my exams. I told him I wasn’t sure how long the exam would be, and didn’t want to let him know yet because it could’ve taken very long. I was right- it was supposed to be from 12-3, but I ended up starting later end ending around 6:30. I texted him after I finished, but he told me he wished I would’ve let him know earlier because he wasn’t comfortable driving in the dark yet, which is reasonable. He became very quiet and upset again though, and again, anytime I made conversation, he would shut it down and be really upset. I also told him that I had to move out of my dorm, and so he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to because it would’ve been a lot of things to haul out. He said that it was okay and that he wanted to see me, and so he came over. When he did, he got upset again because we fooled around for an hour or two instead packing everything up (which he initiated), and then as we started pskcking, he became mean and frustrated again. He kept saying that he just didn’t expect to be moving me out, and that he just wanted to pick me up and go home, even though so told him before that that’s what was going to happen. After everything was packed up and we were in the car, he was still silent and upset but a bit less so. I felt really bad and became quiet, and he told me and i quote: “i’m feeling really anxious to drive this car at night, so can you just act normal”, which felt weird for him to say because I was only acting like that because of he as acting mean. I wanted to get home though because it was pretty late, so I just played some music and acted like my normal self, and that made me feel a bit better. When we got home, he apologized again, and thanked me for being patient with him, and that he’d be getting help soon.
After that, he did become a lot nicer to me. There were things I’ve said which I was sure he was going to get upset over, but he just didn’t at all. Usually, even after he’d apologize other times, he would still get a bit upset with me, but it’d only last a few minutes before he became normal again. This time, he wasn’t upset at all even for the things he’d most commonly get upset about (like me not hearing what he said for example). Hes been this way for around 2 weeks, and had not been getting upset at all, and he said he’s getting therapy soon.
The problem now is, especially because of the last two incidents, I still feel extremely anxious and paranoid when I’m with him. I am constantly on edge because I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing when I’m with him, and it’ll be just like how it has been for the past almost one year.
Looking back at what i just wrote, these instances don’t really seem like that big of a deal, especially compared to how some other people are treated on this subreddit. I think what makes me upset is just how often it happens and how it completely messes up our entire day because he’s just upset the entire time. In the past 3-4 months, I don’t think we’ve ever had a call/hangout where he upset for at least 1-2 hours. I think another thing that really hurts me is that he just acts completely different around me vs anyone else. A lot of the times when I call him, he will get so upset and annoyed so quickly for menial things. He plays games for hours a day, so sometimes when we’re facetime and he wants to play with some friends, he’ll set his camera up so I can watch him play while i do other things, kind of like a youtube video. Whenever we’re on call and he’s upset, and then tells me he wants to play and sets his camera up, his mood instantly changes. His face literally brightens up, and he seems so much happier and talkative. I will sometimes hear his friends on the other end, and they will say/do the exact same things that he gets annoyed at me with, and it just is not a big deal at all, he doesn’t even seem to notice that it happened. Same with my friends- One day, we were planning a trip to the beach, and were supposed to leave around 12 PM. When he came home, he became upset and quiet with me again, and I kept asking him what was wrong and if we’re still going on our trip, but he just ignored me. Finally, at around 6 PM, he was normal again, and then took another hour and a half to get ready, so we ended up leaving at 7:30 PM. My friend was texting me at the same time, so I told my boyfriend to talk to her while I was driving. As we were driving (we were around 15 minutes away at this point), I realized I forgot my license. I asked him if I should turn around, he kept telling me he wasn’t sure, and he was just very upset and annoyed with me, even though judt before we left a whole 7 hours later because he was upset. We drove for an hour before he decided that I should drive back, and I kept apologizing for forgetting my license, and that we could try again tomorrow morning. His mom told us we could go to dinner or something to make up for the day, and I asked him if he wanted to do that, and he just said “why would we do that what would we even eat” in a harsh tone. Again, I tried to keep it light, telling him that I was sorry and we could start fresh tomorrow, and he said that he didn’t want to go to the beach anymore in an upset tone. Again, for half of the night after we came home, he was upset and irritated with me. Later that night, I looked back at. the texts between my friend and boyfriend, and I was in shock with just how different he was acting with me in real life vs how he was acting with her. As he was upset with me, he was texting her with updates, making jokes, and basically just making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal at all that I didn’t have my license. In real life, he acted like I was so stupid for forgetting it, and that it was the worst thing I could’ve possibly done.
I feel like most people who read this might just think he values his independence, and that aim too clingy. I too thought that maybe I just wasn’t giving him his space, especially because I’m his first girlfriend. I will not offer to call/come over as much just to see if I’m the one asking too often and he feels too bad to say no, but when I don’t, he will keep asking me to call him and come over, and ask why I haven’t been talking to him as much/initiates calls or hangouts. He’ll tell me to call more often and hang out with him more often as well. If we hang out, I’ll tell him that I’ll go home for the night and don’t plan on sleeping over, and he’ll keep asking me if I could sleep over or when I could sleep over, and continue to make plans.
Despite what I’ve said, my boyfriend is genuinely the most amazing guy anyone could ever meet. He’s sweet, kind, and thoughtful with genuinely everyone- his parents, my friends, his friends, his professors, everyone. He is an amazing tipper, he goes out of his way to do things for my friends, and anytime i mention the slightest thing he’ll go out of his way to do it for me. For example, in the first month we met, he noticed my backpack and headphones were completely broken, so he bought me a new ones without me saying absolutely anything to him. When I drove him places, he saw that it was difficult for me to look at my phone to follow GPS directions, so he randomly bought me a car phone holder. On my birthday, he made me a card out of the acknowledgement page of the first book we read together, crossed out the authors name, and put my name, and wrote a bunch of sweet, adorable things about me. Because of my adhd, I would constantly forget to chargemy phone/laptop or bring my chargers, and would constantly have no charge on both, so he bought me a pack with 10 of each type of charger, as well as a portable charger. I offhandedly mentioned that I get really carsick, so he bought me dramamine and those carsickness goggles. He bought pads to keep with him just in case I need some, and always carries pepto and advil around because i get headaches a lot and have lots of stomachaches. He helped me move into my dorm, and bought me so many food and supplies even when I insisted that he didn’t. Whenever we go out with my friends, he always covers everything. For my friend’s birthday, everyone was going to chip in to buy her airpods, but he told them he’d cover their part and essentially just bought them for her. He is an insanely hard worker, and I am so proud of him for everything that he’s been through, and he is also just the most fun person to be around. I love him so so much, and I know that a lot of the way he’s acted is because of his depression, and I know that that’s not really him. I visited him yesterday and we had a really good time, but the entire time I kept being really careful with what I said because I was scared of him becoming upset. I’m scared that this anxiety I feel around him will last forever. I want to wait until he has everything under control, but if he becomes the same way that he was before again, I don’t know how much of it I can take. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here- can anyone help me?
submitted by Logical_Act_6927 to Advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:52 ExpensiveComplex745 Can you be unhappy in a relationship while you think you're doing ok? Me - 20M GF - 19F

I 20M started dating a girl 19F around 8 months ago. She was the best thing that happened to me. Even before meeting her, I was pretty good and socially popular, but meeting her was just icing on the cake (she was literally the best, she comforted me, she did all my homework, and somehow Idk if it's good at all but it seemed I was the center of her life, all her future plans were with me, her every action connected to me somehow). She on the other hand had severe emotional trauma, and an identity crisis, including a lack of independence, and a lack of awareness of what she wants (all accredited to her parents). She also had some personality crisis, like she had been faking herself for so long that she forgot who she really was. I helped her through all of these things, she can now accept her true personality and be as she is (she was always pressurized to be this certain version by her parents), and she knows what she wants (earlier all her outfits were selected by her mom, now she has a voice of her own and wears what she likes), etc. Lately, every person and I'm not just talking friends here, the uni authorities the educators, the seniors, everyone has just one thing to say - this girl is sucking the life out of this boy, he is not the same cheerful kid he was some months ago, and his smile is long gone. My question is is it even possible, I don't suspect a thing, but everyone around me is thinking the aforementioned and not a single is saying otherwise. The seniors are saying that I'd end up ruining my career if I stick with her, I really don't know if it's possible - she's the sweetest most innocent girl I've ever seen. One thing that stuns me is that we've never in 8-9 months had an argument, never have we had a fight (minor things exist like I crack a joke and she's not in the mood, but that's very rare), and never have her opinions been different from mine! To be honest I'm a very difficult guy to be with, for eg since we almost spend the entire day together in uni, I'm not the guy to specially take her out on weekends, I'm not really the gifting type either (tho I'll add that I verbally praise her a lot), i crack a lot of offensive jokes, especially targetted at her parents (ya know, for what they did to her), I make her jealous often (all in good spirits, lol), and she somehow agreed with everything as well, like she had no problem with anything whatsoever. I'm actually so surprised at these points that make me question if what everyone is saying is true (like the too good to be true case). I didn't wanna bring this point in, but (and let me say i do not believe in astrology), 3 astrologers (first when I was around 10, the other when I was around 15, and the last very recently) told my family, that before I turn 21 a girl would come in my life, who would distance me from my mom and eventually, ruin my careelife. My mom has disliked my girlfriend since the 3rd month or so, earlier she tried hard to like her. My mom has had huge fights and given silent treatments to me for the last 5 months, and the epicenter of almost all fights (when I say fights I literally mean hours of yelling) and silent treatments (which I do not defend at all, and have been min 3 to max 10 days long) have been her. My mom, in addition to all the points she has against my gf, thinks that she might be a gold digger. I really don't know what to say, tbh it goes without saying that earlier I was very cheerful and had a very positive mindset as compared to the present, like in the last sem vs this sem. Please, is it even possible??! Edit 1: Some other details Since the first month she's been talking about marriage Also, one of my first interactions with her was her praising how my house looked based on a story I posted Edit 2: I don't think that she's a gold digger, but my family does. She often visited my house after college and we had lunch together. Some things were picked up by my family which to them were indicative that she, in a very short time, had planned to settle down with me, like her saying that one day she'll also have her name outside our house and all.
submitted by ExpensiveComplex745 to LifeAdvice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:48 AriFR06 AITA for refusing to wear headphones in order to let my neighbour sleep?

I (17f) am a music student on an advanced level (which means this is not a hobby for me, it's really serious) and I have my piano exams in less than a week, so I have to practice really hard (more than 2-3 hours a day).
As this weekend is a long one, my parents decided to go to our town for all weekend, where I have an electric keyboard, which obviously is not good enough for the kind of detailed study I need right now, but anyway...
When we moved to this apartment my mother befriended this neighbour (50something f) who has a son in his 20s. This morning my mom recieved a text asking if I could use headphones when I play because his son had gone out last night and I wasn't letting him sleep. Yestersday I started playing at 10-10:30 am, when my country's regulations state that it's okay to play after 9am. Obviously wearing headphones means less quality of study and I really want to use my time left to enjoy my town in which I haven't been for months, and not being restricted to only get out of the house early in the morning or late at night. So... AITA?
submitted by AriFR06 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:26 Business_Drama_4557 AITA for not helping sister financially with her kids?

Hi reddit,
I'm a married M32 without kids. My sister is an unmarried F28 with 3 kids. I am the godfather of her oldest son 6. My sister is a stay at home mom that never really worked and who always seemed to find someone taking care of her. At first our parents, who had to help her out a lot because "she really didn't have it easy with all her health stuff" - she has allergies - and then her boyfriend (father of the 3 kids). Money with them is always tight since the guy doesn't earn a lot and my sister has a good habit of spending cash on cloths she really can't afford. Now, out of the blue, she asked me to have a serious talk with her. Long story short, she confronted me about not helping them out money wise since " you don't have any kids, and it takes a village to raise children. Also, you are the godfather of M6 and by agreeing to that you should feel at least some responsibility to take care of him". I was mildly shocked at that and told her that this is again her not owning up to her own life choices and wanting others to take care of whatever mess she got herself into. I gift generous presents to all 3 kids, I watch them sometimes for days just so their parents can have some time off and her comments hurt me deeply. Especially because she said that "Mom and dad agree with me and are a little disappointed to help me out financially". I refused all of it, got angry and told her to leave. Now she calls me childish, resentful and selfish for putting myself above the children of the family. In her opinion, its all because I am still jealous of her being the favorite child and getting along better with our parents.
Is that the case? Am I the bitter asshole that doesn't want to help, I am upset she always got away with things and still does? In all honesty, that is a point that still bugs me ... do I know let that out at her children with not helping?
submitted by Business_Drama_4557 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:25 ATOMIC_PoohBrain My experience

Hello. I would like to tell you my experience about having a brain tumor. More specifically a pilocytic astrocytoma and hydrocephalus. So how I found out was I went to work as usual. I would also like to say I have been having headaches for quite some time and have gone to the doctors. All they did was give me a shot of something in the butt which helped a lot and I thought that was the end of it. So I was at work when I started to feel really sick. I then realized I was going to throw up so I started to go to the bathroom. When I was walking to the bathroom I could not remember where it was and ended up in management office. I then threw up all over the floor and sat down for about twenty minutes. It was almost as if I was completely drunk at this point. I finally got up and started to walk to my car. When I made it my car I started it and went home. When I got home I couldn’t remember how to put my car into park. So I hit my garage before my dad came out of the house and told me what to do. I then put my car in park, got out of the car and went inside. My parents thought I was on drugs or something because I then went into the garage and was looking for something. My dad was in the garage with me and so was my mom. I had also thrown up on my dad which made him upset so he left me there. My mom told my dad I probably needed to take a nap. My dad said that we should probably go to the emergency room. When we made it to the emergency room I started to have some anger issues which the nurse asked if I have always had these problems, and my mom said I did not. Apparently I was very rude to the nurses and what not, which makes me very upset at myself. While at the emergency room I peed into a trash can because I was so out of it. I even lifted the lid and thought I was actually in the bathroom. After that I was taken to another hospital that is about an hour and thirty minutes away. I was taken by ambulance even though it was about 1:30 in the morning. All while my parents were following me. After that I was scanned and had to have emergency surgery where they put tubes in my head to drain the excess brain fluid. I then was laying in the hospital room for two days while they were draining the excess fluid. The only thing I remember from this was talking on the phone with my grandma and grandpa. I had to have a shunt put in my brain to continue to drain the fluid in my head because the tumor is blocking my normal drainage path. When I finally went home I was feeling fine but my parents decided that I should go to UCLA and get a second opinion. We set up an appointment at UCLA a few months after the emergency room visit. When they said I had to get the tumor removed I cannot remember what I was thinking. Also I would like to say this was all at the start of covid so it was very difficult. I went into the surgery and it went well but they couldn’t remove all of the tumor. I had forgotten everything about my life except who my family was and I kept saying zoinks from scooby doo. I had to stay in the hospital for about two or three weeks after the craniotomy. While I was there the nurses had to teach me how to walk again. Afterwards I had to go to rehab which was kinda nice. Of course I don't remember the drive to rehab but I remember almost every time I talked to my mom I said do you know I'm at a rehab facility and she would say yeah because of your drug and alcohol addiction. I knew that was not the reason because I had a huge scab on my head and half my head was shaved. Rehab was very difficult but I finished my time there after three weeks. When I went home I was super excited to see everyone and my dog. I then had to do more therapy because my short term memory was destroyed and I couldn’t remember the last five years of my life. It was so bad that you could tell me something, ask me to remember it and ask me what you had told me to remember and I would not be able to. I remember after one therapy session my mom asked me what she told me at the end of it and I could not remember and started crying. After about two months of therapy I had finished physical therapy, but I still had to do occupational and speech. I did the therapies for probably about half a year before I got my next MRI. During this time it was decided that when I could get a tattoo everyone of my immediate family would get a brain that said I forgot below it. When we were talking to the doctor it was November and he said that the brain tumor had grown. He said I would either have to do radiation or chemotherapy. So about a month later they decided on radiation therapy. Which wasn't good news but I thought it was better than chemo. So it is now December 2020. I have been in therapy for about half the year. I told the therapist that I will be going into radiation. So I had to stop going to therapy and went to Santa Monica for my radiation treatment. I started radiation in January 2021. I really liked the people who did my radiation. They were very nice. I also had one of the nurses from UCLA come and see me one day of my radiation. Sadly I did not remember them. So radiation was not bad but not great. It made the expression dead tired so very true. I would also like to mention that my parents had gotten an apartment for us a few miles away. So I would have to walk to and from the radiation treatments every day. It was really hard but I'm glad that I did it. I also had some delicious food while down in Santa Monica. The radiation nurses also gave me a little cake because it was my birthday while I was doing radiation. On the last day of radiation I gave everyone something I cannot remember what it was that I gave them. I hope that they liked it. I also remember that I got to ring a bell on my last day but I thought that I didn’t deserve it unlike the people who did chemo. When we went home I had to continue doing speech therapy. I kept doing speech therapy till 2022. I did not get told that I did not need to keep going to speech therapy. I ran out of days that my insurance would pay for it which sucked. I remember at one point when my mom was working from home she was getting annoyed at the insurance representative. I would also like to say that they had made it very difficult to get approved for therapy multiple times. I had also developed a twitch or jerk that I could almost feel coming which I had since after the craniotomy. Skip to 2023 I had been taking some pills because they thought I was having seizures. I had to set up a week in the hospital with some stuff attached to my head to try and catch one. It was not the best and they did not catch one. I would also like to say that my head was so itchy. So they decided to try again at a later date but I would be able to be at home. So I went to get the wires and machine on my head and meet a very nice nurse who braided the wires together to make it easier for me. After a week with it on I went back to UCLA and got it taken off and they found that I was having seizures. I would like to say that none of what I went through was easy but it could have been worse. I am very thankful and happy that I had my family and friends with me through all this. I would also like to say that it gets better. I have my next MRI next month and hopefully it will be a year apart so I can get my tattoo.
submitted by ATOMIC_PoohBrain to braintumor [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:24 Shot-Basket-7347 Hypomanic on lithium?

Hi I started lithium in February, it’s been amazing. However I just woke up at 5am with my brain racing. I haven’t felt this since before lithium. My sleep sucks past two days. My mom was in the hospital and is staying with me so I don’t know if it’s stress related. I will never go back on a antipsychotic so I’m kinda freaking out. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or what.
submitted by Shot-Basket-7347 to BipolarReddit [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:23 Strong-Trip-7453 Complaining about my bday

This is soo petty and insignificant. But I just have to get it off my chest cuz like wtf. They didn't buy me anything when i turned 18 it's literally been 7months and I can't stop crying about it, It's one of those things that I find so hard to let go off cuz it's kinda supposed to be significant. First of all we are a pretty stable middle class family so its not about the money. They just didn't buy me anything, I remember cutting cake and waiting for them to hand me a gift. I sat there next to my friend while they were in the kitchen i opened up the gift. My friend and i were so excited to see what it was. I'm not type of person who needs a masive gift i rly dont ask for much. I open the wrapping and guess what it was... a light up sign saying 18. My smile dropped so did my friends cuz we both knew that this was the gift it was a small light up sign saying 18. Nothing else, if this sign was something rly unique or just better quality i would not complain. But it came with the 18 birthday kit... guys it was part of a 20euro birthday kit it wasn't even supposed to be a gift its supposed to be a prop in the back of my bday photos with the balloons ect. I just sat there dumbfounded. Idc what my friend thinks shes like a sister she definitely doesn't even remember my bday and isn't the type to judge. It's rather that it was my last yr for any birthday party. My parents aren't the type to celebrate anything after 18 because I'm officially an adult.
I cried that night so hard it wasn't just the bday gift which was the issue. On my bday i had to ask one of my friends to go out with me. I bought her lunch and she was great company i love this girl to the moon and back but obviously. She thought i would go out with a different friend or something, she cancelled her plans for the day and hung outwith me. My other rly close friends at that time were busy. My friends aren't bitches dw they just arent that close to me if that makes sense. They came to cut cake and give me gifts a few days later. But by then i was sick of my bday i just wanted it to be over wished i was never born so i didn't have to be in this awkward situation.
It hit me that it kinda sucked that my parents couldn't love me enough that day. You would think if i don't friends i would at least have my parents. But damn they didnt even buy me a birthday card. The one birthday that ive been looking forward to since a child thinking its supposed to be the best and most important birthday turned out to be the worst bday possible. The realisation kicked in that i have never actually had a single good bday in my life. And this was the last shot at it and it's fucked.
Just when I was beginning to realise how stupid i sounded. I am religious, i know that i should always be greatful for what i have and shouldn't ask for more. Materialistic desires never lead to a true feeling of fulfilment.
My friends suggested that we suprise a different friend for her bday. We walk into her house and her parents did the same thing for her they wanted to suprise her for her birthday. We walked in and the living room was fully decorated they put in so much effot for their daughter. They picked out 18 gift for her 18yrs. This family isnt rich either same as mine middle class all the gifts were simple and reasonable. Clothes, some small mini make up, nail polish and face mask and some of her favourite snacks. And they bought her one expensive main gift.
If they wanted to they would. Went home and felt so fucking useless. My parents couldn't even get themselves to write a card for me. I don't need a shit tone of bday gifts i just wanted a bday card with words of encouragement from my mom and dad. I just wanted a lil small tiny ring, didn't even have to be a fancy expensive one.. they could've gave me a gummy ring and i would just laughed it off and not cared and would've been happy with the card.
Idk it just sucks I'll probably laugh at it 30yrs in the future but it still sucks. Its so dumb to cry over somthing like this. There definitely are bigger issues in my life but i just wanted one important bday to go well. I wish bdays didn't exist. I don't even want my next birthday to come cuz it's just embarrassing sitting and writing in my journal about how shit my day was.
Sorry im on my period and wanted to rant. Also Im dyslexic asf ignore the typos. This is soooo embarrassing. Idk if this is the right place to be posting this either tbh.
submitted by Strong-Trip-7453 to DysfunctionalFamily [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:20 AfternoonOne13 My boyfriend (26M) discussed our fight with his parents, now they think I (28F) am not good for him.

This is my first post here. My partner and I have been together a little over a year. We’re both in the military, but he has been deployed since January and will come back in July. A week ago he was allowed to come back for a week as a holiday leave.
We were planning on moving in together after he got back from his deployment, but due to my roommate moving out and me not being able to afford the rent on my own we agreed that I should look for an apartment for the both of us and he would move in with me after his deployment. In February I found an apartment to which he also agreed after seeing it on video, and I moved in by myself in April. I was able to take some furniture from the old apartment, but we still needed some essentials like a couch, chairs and dining table. We agreed on these items online and through video call and already ordered them since I would already be living at the apartment.
Our big fight happened two weeks before his return over the dining table. For context, we live on the second floor and there is no elevator in the building. When the table arrived the delivery company refused to carry it upstairs (for insurance reasons apparently) and it was too heavy to carry it by myself. Luckily I got help from my neighbors, but it was still a hard task as the table is made out of massive wood. I then set up the table by myself and immediately video called my partner to show him the table. After I showed him the table from all angles he declared he didn’t like it and I should pack it back up and send it back. Barely recovered from all the heavy lifting we just did I told him I wasn’t keen on going through that again, and suggested we wait until he got back for his holiday so that he could see the table for himself and then send it back together if he still wanted to do so. The return policy was 30 working days and he would be back way before that. He said he didn’t want to wait so he could immediately order a new table so that it would arrive in time before he got back for his holiday, that way the apartment would be completely “ready” for his arrival. The discussion got out of hand after that, I reminded him that I had taken care of everything in the apartment so far and told him I didn’t appreciate his attitude, that I felt like he was taking the easy way out being away and coming back to an apartment that was completely ready without having to lift the finger. He said I was being difficult and didn’t think that he was asking a lot, he said if the roles were reversed, he would take care of everything because that’s what partners are supposed to do. We discussed some more back-and-forth, but the main points were that I didn’t feel appreciated for all the work I had done for the apartment so far and he didn’t feel the need to be appreciative as he saw this as normal within a relationship.
The next day, he talked to his parents and reported back to me what they said, I never asked for this information. His mom apparently completely agrees with him, she thinks I’m being unreasonable and is of the opinion that if you’re in a relationship, you do everything for each other without questioning it. His dad said that he didn’t want to see him make the same mistake that he made with his ex by staying in a relationship that’s not good for him. They also said some things about me personally, like how it’s noticeable that I grew up an only child and feel like I need to have everything my way. This hurt me a lot as I thought I had a good relationship with his parents. I went on holiday with them multiple times and never noticed any tensions. The remark about me being an only child is especially painful as they know my brother passed away when I was a child. He said he thinks his parents are wrong about the part of me being not good for him, but agrees with everything else they said. Honestly, at that point I wondered whether I was making a mistake with moving in together, but I decided it would be best to wait until he got back for his holiday and discuss everything face-to-face.
His mom came over a week later to bring all his clothes and stuff that he still had at their place, his aunt was there as well. I could feel a cold vibe from his mom, but his aunt was being very friendly and she even brought me a small housewarming gift. When they were getting ready to leave, his aunt already went to sit in the car while his mom hovered by the doorway. She then said that she still likes me and feels bad about the whole situation, she said it was all a big misunderstanding and said she wanted to talk it out soon.
Last week, I picked up my partner from the base for his leave. When we arrived at the apartment he was in awe of it. We talked it out and he told me that he regrets discussing our fight with his parents, he said he wanted to make a point and he admitted exaggerating the story to make me look bad. He said that he will do everything in his power to restore my relationship with his parents, as their approval of me is extremely important to him. On Monday we said our goodbyes again for the last phase of his deployment, but I can’t help lying awake at night ruminating over everything that happened the last few weeks. I’m scared this ordeal has completely spoiled the relationship with my inlaws, but I also feel like my trust has been broken. I’ve had multiple relationships, but I’ve never seen myself grow old with someone before I met him. I’ve never had a child wish or wanted to marry, until I met him. I sincerely love him and want to build a future with him, I do believe he feels the same as he has always said he dates to marry and we even already discussed a timeline of getting married and starting a family.
I’m scared that my partner will one day feel like he has to choose between me and his family, and that’s a choice I will not put him through. Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I just need some perspective. His mom also still hasn’t reached out to talk about what happened, even though she said she wanted to. Should I be the one reaching out to her? I feel like an apology is due from her side, therefore I don’t think I should be the one to reach out.
TL;DR! - He discussed our fight with his parents, they said some not so nice things about me. I’m having mixed feelings about my relationship now.
submitted by AfternoonOne13 to relationships [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:17 Top_Dragonfly2024 thoughts or advice?

i recall constantly being in intense screaming matches with my mother since my earliest memories. i’m not quite sure what we would argue about, but i felt like i could never do anything right. she would blow up all the time. i never knew when to expect it, but i was always a failure for something.
she wasn’t available emotionally. or maybe i just wasn’t able to talk to her. i don’t feel comfortable telling her anything about my life, if i think of anything one may typically share with a mom, i feel great shame thinking about speaking about it to her.
i didn’t really realize any of this affected me or was “trauma” until i did EMDR therapy this past year, and my therapist and i connected these memories to my body dysmorphia, ocd tendacies, anxiety, and overall constant and intense self hatred. i kind of just thought this was normal, or that i must really suck and deserve to dislike myself so badly.
after doing this reflecting, it’s hard to be back home for the summer (im back home visiting as a college student) and see her faults. to see her continuously fail to be there as a mother, or have any interest or care about me. throughout therapy and comparing my situation to my friends mother-daughter relationships, i always still felt that i am the spoiled brat my mom always told me i was, and that maybe my therapist was telling me what i would want to hear. but being back allows me to see that my memory isn’t skewed, my mother truly is an incapable mom and unfortunately overall human being.
it’s just frustrating knowing a lot of my mental health and self esteem issues can be attributed to lacking any loving parental figure. (dad died in an accident when i was 6) i always just thought of myself as hyper independent, i pushed away any emotions of not having a mom or dad. overall im a pretty emotionally numb person. but now i just wonder what life would be like if i had at least one loving parent.
i wish things were different. i think my mom wants to be a mom as she always talks about how proud she is of her kids. she likes to “show us off,” im not sure why as i feel my sister and i raised ourselves. but it seems my mom genuinely believes she’s a great mom. but she doesn’t know anything about me. i just don’t think she has the empathy or intelligence to know how a mom should care and support a child emotionally. it’s like something in her brain is missing, she’s not outwardly trying to be a horrible mother.
i’m so sad to be back home, and just really wish i had a mother to express my emotions to and receive love. however, my sadness is due to my mom, or lack thereof, so i can’t talk to her about it obviously, so it’s just an endless loop of sad and i’m not quite sure how to deal with it.
submitted by Top_Dragonfly2024 to narcissisticparents [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:16 Idkwhatmyuserisrn AITA for unintentionally causing drama in my group

I (16 f) had a girls night at my house recently. I invited my whole friend group which all up was around 15 people. I had planned snacks, movies, dinner etc. I paid for the expenses and the cost turned out to be around $200. I was fine with it and knew I was going to have to pay some fee to have a good time with my friends.
I should also mention since the girls night was big and involved alot of people, my parents said I could host it however I wouldn’t have a birthday party later that year as they tend to struggle when accomodating people, feeling like they can’t let anything bad or anyone get hurt otherwise it’s their fault. I understand and honestly fair enough.
Anyways I had all of these things planned and fast forward to the night I had spent ages decorating, tidying, setting up and making everything look nice. Everyone showed up and at the start it was really fun. We played twister and talked about school and whatever. We eventually headed into the lounge room and started talking.
One of the girls in my group (let’s call her Marissa) has always had an issue with me. We have had arguments and disagreements before with me always ending up having to be the bigger person. One time she was talking shit about me behind my back and then when I confronted her she said that it wasn’t her fault and we just weren’t similar enough. I even ended up apologising for prying. To say the least we haven’t always been on good terms yet we finally were normal and I didn’t want to not invite her because ik that would cause a stir in the group.
We were all talking and she asks me which of my friends that are guys, don’t like her. I said I wasn’t comfortable saying that, that I thought she would go and contact them afterwards and also the wool group was there and no one needed to know nor did she have a reason. She kept begging me and calling me a gate keeping bitch so I reluctantly agreed to tell her privately in another room and if she promised to not go to them or anyone else afterwards.
She agreed and I told her. I instantly regretted my actions but said nothing as we both headed back to the lounge room. Without a second of hesitation she jumped on her phone and started texting someone.
I asked her if she was texting someone who I had told her and she said no.
I checked my phone a few minutes later and 2 of my guy friends had contacted me furious that I had said what I did. I apologised profusely because I know what I did was wrong. I then revived messages from other people in my class about what I had said (not people I had said to Marissa) and it sounded like she had completely exaggerated and twisted everything around. I was so upset. I went to go back to the lounge room and act like nothing had happened when I heard her talking shit about me. In my own home.
I stayed in my bedroom for most the night with a few girls staying with me unsure of what had happened.
School started two weeks later and Marisa was acting as if nothing had happened. I had tried to let the incident go over the break but when she started acting normal(except for giving me the cold shoulder) I was furious.
I contacted her that night demanding to know why she would break the promise she made to me and then proceed to talk about me. She left me on read so I kept sending her texts saying I wanted to work things out and if she was going to ignore me on text she couldn’t at school.
I showed up at school the next day to see her mom at the front office. I was concerned but tried not to think much of it. I was called to the deputy office later that day. The deputy told me that Marissa was saying I was harassing her and bullying her. Her evidence was screen shot of my texts that yes did involve swearing as I was angry but nothing violent. She showed them to her mum who apparently was asked by Marisa to take it up with the deputy .
I told the deputy my side of the story and luckily she believed me. Otherwise I would have been suspended or worse. I later found that those were her intentions.
This completely divided our group with majority of them siding with her as she told them I was bullying her but continently never showed them the messages. The news spread fast and now I have a bunch of people talking about me and rumours are spreading about what a horrible person I am. Sorry this was so long but AITA?
submitted by Idkwhatmyuserisrn to AITAH [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:12 Niam890 I can't help my dad when he needs it

English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance if there are any mistakes.
I've had emetophobia since I was a child. Mostly I've been able to live with it. Whenever something happens that could trigger me I just escape the situation.
However, my dad got diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and started chemotherapy a month ago. Since then he's been at the hospital due to some complications.
Due to all this, there have been a lot of moments where he has been v. And the only thing that I can do is run and escape. Since I'm an only child this means that I leave my mum alone to take care of him. I just feel so helpless and I'm anxious constantly because I can't do anything and at the same time I feel terrible because of it. I can't be with him when he needs it, I feel anxious constantly because I can't help and scared of him getting s. Also because I leave my mom alone with the problem.
And a lot of people don't understand what it means to have this phobia, so they just might think that I'm a terrible and useless daughter.
I just realized I'm not going to be able to take care of anyone in this kind of situations. Friends, partners, family, my mum...
I just feel so bad. I wish I could just get rid of my emetophobia in an instant, has anyone been able to do it?
I've tried to just suck it up and be there but I can't, I just have a panic attack and I have to leave.
I just hope that it gets better.
Thank you for reading.
submitted by Niam890 to emetophobia [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:11 MeatJordan Where CAN I protest this?

Let me start with the summary version:
It all began when I first stumbled upon Inside Edition's videos of women - that's WOMEN getting slammed, insulted, and blasted for "showing too much of their body (with kids around)". Then it escalates further when they show a school is photoshopping out women's cleavages to make them look "modest" for their yearbook. I feel this type of treatment towards the female human is all wrong! Like, can't anybody learn to appreciate and look at the female body without censoring it in any way? Can't you let ANYBODY, including kids, get a chance to learn about the differences between the male and female human bodies????
Then comes along... you guessed it. That one video Inside Edition publishes. And after seeing her top blurred, my inner voice in my head: "That's the last straw!" Like, can't some of us get a chance to learn something new that just aroused our curiosity? Such as how the human body changes with time in terms of both genders? Like, now, I can finally visualize myself (my whole body) from little boy to fully grown man. But when Inside Edition published that footage, the new question that took me by storm is: what would a female look like from little girl to fully grown woman?
But with YouTube's broken comment system GHOSTING certain-to-random comments, even on my backup YouTube account, I can't seem to get ANY messages across!
Speaking of which, when I tried to post this on Feminism and AskFeminists, they BOTH perma-banned me for NO REASON and muted me from talking to their mods for 28 days!
Why do I say "no reason"?
"Hello, You have been permanently banned from participating in this subreddit because your post violates this community's rules. You won't be able to post or comment, but you can still view and subscribe to it.
If you have a question regarding your ban, you can contact the moderator team by replying to this message.
Reminder from the Reddit staff: If you use another account to circumvent this subreddit ban, that will be considered a violation of the Content Policy and can result in your account being suspended from the site as a whole."
As you can see, there is no specific reason listed in the message above. So this is why I claim or what I mean by "banned from a sub for 'no reason'. - Even for something that was never officially listed on that sub's rule board.
Once more, I, along with these parents of their own daughter proved one major point: if a male can go topless/show their body, then so can a female - regardless of age!
Can't I get a chance to learn something new? Some evolution/development processes for certain things can be a little more complicated then you originally first thought.
Now here's the detailed version:
Ok, before you start reading below, I want you to visit this and read the whole article to better understand my situation: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/kitchener-waterloo/guelph-parents-angry-after-topless-girl-8-told-to-cover-up-1.3124762
I got banned from Lemmy social site servers for "CSAM" all because of this: the Napalm Girl pic and another thing I saw on Inside Edition's channel in addition to some nude statues - literally artwork of naked people - all because I was trying to protest ~the inconsistencies of censorship towards the female human~ - regardless of their race AND age!
Let me be clear on one thing: I didn't post any "CSAM" on the Lemmy servers! I'm protesting something that I feel is unfair towards the female human.
Please ~actually watch these before jumping to conclusions~ so you can actually understand what I’m really protesting!
Women Who Were Told Their Outfits Were ‘Too Revealing’
Mom Says She Was Kicked Out of Gym For Revealing Tank Top: I Felt Humiliated
Cops Dragged Woman Off Beach After Complaint About Her Bikini
It’s one thing to say a girl’s outfit or body is “too revealing”,
Teens React After Yearbook Photos Are ‘Modesty Edited’
it’s two things to photoshop out a girl’s cleavage to make her look “modest” for a yearbook or a portrait!
9-Year-Old Saves Family From House Fire
But censoring a topless preteen girl who thought up an ingenious strategy to stay cool like her friends in the same stuffy room while at the same time not caring who’s around her? THAT’S REALLY CROSSING THE LINE!
It's all thanks to some videos from Inside Edition's YouTube Channel.All these videos Inside Edition posted are developing a question in my mind that's getting the better of me: why so much hate on the female human - even as children? Like, why do they censor the little girl's chest? Can't anybody learn to appreciate the appearance of the female body? Just like those parents of their own 8 year old daughter, I too am genuinely outraged by this type of treatment towards the female human!
And what's the big deal with nipples? I'm just trying to ensure everyone is treated equally regardless of race, and gender... AND age (after what I just witnessed). And if no one's gonna speak up about this, I might as well step up to the plate. After all, somebody's got to do it!
That little girl in the final video made two non-verbal messages clear: one: if a boy can do it, then so can a girl! And two: no one is too young for anything! As long as you have the knowledge capacity and I.Q level to do it properly and safely, you'll be fine. I was able to refuel my dad's car and cook my own dinner when I was 6 and without setting anything ablaze by accident.
However, when I try to illustrate with that video, even though Inside Edition is an official news channel, the responses I get back are rather bitter! They remove my post or ban me from the sites I post on for "promoting nudity involving a minor"!
~WHERE~
~CAN~
~I~
~ASK~
~OR~
~SHARE~
~THIS~
~SUBJECT?!~
Due to my autism, I only know basic English. So I need to illustrate to get most of my messages through. I thought hard, I tried, and low and behold, they were removed hours later mainly because they "didn't fit the subject of the forum". Even though my multi-subject based thread does have some material relating to this forum's topic. These sites and mods are all really stretching my problem solving skills beyond the breaking point for this one. I'm merely protesting with these pictures and videos as illustration. I'm not that good with words, so I need pictures to get half my messages across as noted above.
Many subreddits or forum sites don’t accept URLs, pictures, specific website URLs, or even a combination! Thereby hindering my ability to fully explain what I’m witnessing! In this case, the sentences “It’s one thing to say a girl’s outfit is ‘too revealing’, it’s two things to photoshop out a girl’s cleavage to make her look ‘modest’ for a yearbook.” actually corresponded to several videos I beared witness to on Inside Edition’s YouTube channel.
I actually tried to post that URL with that blurred 9yo girl in a subreddit in the past and you won’t believe this: I actually lost my reddit account for 2 days for “promoting nudity involving a minor”! Other sites like the adult video forums who accept uncensored nudity-based images I mentioned just delete my thread! Another site I recall banned me for 1 year for “spam” - even though I only made this protest post twice (after they removed it once).
So that meant I had to approach this from a different angle: after that experience, I got a little paranoid from using that said video URL to illustrate. So I tried explaining this protest without the URLs - and this is in conjunction with certain sites restricting my ability to post images, URLs, certain site URLs, or a combination. It seemed to end up making things worse! Because without the visual evidence, it makes it much harder to fully explain what I’m witnessing.
So without the URLs included - that visual illustration, on the sites I tried along with Lemmy World, it actually made things worse! That’s what lead Lemmy.World mods to ban me for life for “CSAM” or made other people think I watched child porn when I clearly didn’t. The lack of visual evidence (due to my past reddit experience combined with the site’s posting restrictions) is what lead to this “pedophile” confusion. So please help me talk some sense into the Lemmings world, Lemmy.ml, and Lemmy.world mods that this was all a major misunderstanding and Lemmy is pretty much the only reddit alternative out here where I can try asking another question. My attempt to appeal has failed on 3 Lemmy social sites - even after I tried notifying the mods on the third Lemmy server site before making the post, so I need your help now!
I felt after Inside Edition uploaded that blurred 9yo girl video… I thought to myself “That’s the last straw!” Someone needs to protest these absurd censorship laws that they apply to the female human!
Why can males show most of their body but females can’t? - In most cases that is? Whatever happened to "Free The Nipple"?
Children should have the same… rights to do things as any adult! It’s about possessing the knowledge capacity and I.Q level to safely execute this action. E.G, on those “Family Day” episodes of The Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal; those kids made smart choices when picking the correct numbers to items to win a prize.
I’m not joking around here! This type of treatment towards the female human needs to stop - this includes race and age. - It’s like racist people, but in age form.
Does it look like I’m laughing for fun? Of course not! Since no one else is protesting this, and YouTube has a flawed comment moderating system hindering my ability to post on even random videos (I.E, "ghosting"), I have to take more drastic measures to protest by stepping up to the plate and shouting out “Can’t we all be equal in terms of a huge variety of traits?” Yeah, the last thing I need is a vein-bleeding broken-record robot impeding or hindering my ability to seek answers to a question!
We need to learn to appreciate or accept how the female body appears regardless of race and age!
Stop trying to blame it all on me! None of the stuff in the vids posted, is that. If it was, Inside Edition would be the guilty party, and Youtube for not having already deleted them. If it doesn’t violate Youtube’s TOS, it should be fine to post anywhere. If there was even a hint of impropriety to it, at the minimum the vid would have been age restricted.
No one would answer! Not even Inside Edition themselves were willing to offer an answer when I even found their email address, the sites dedicated to helping those in mental, suicidal, or emotional distress (those forum sites even PERMA-banned me for "spam" - that's right, SPAM! (Even though there was absolutely no mention of a permanent ban or rule about "spam" in their forum guidelines!) Is that the definition of "spam" when I make a bad thread only once?! And when I try to appeal the ban, the same message "please contact the administrator if it was done in error" is blocking my ability to click the contact button! Or sometimes it's a blank white page with that message in the top left corner of the window! - Which adds more insult to injury, because I can't click anything as all the buttons have disappeared! That means I can't log out of that site either!), OR the adult video forums that support uncensored nudity images would accept that video link URL let alone the entire topic itself! So I really am at a loss for thoughts and words on what I just experienced! Heck, I even tried the professional therapists of talkingforchange.ca But even they too were too reluctant to talk as they claim my post regarding the censorship of women is not for their platform and they disconnected the chat 2 seconds after their last reply to me. And I highly doubt that ANY site will allow me to illustrate with a picture of the Napalm Girl (Phan Thi Kim Phuc) when she was 9, certain pictures of Pampers diaper boxes (why do you think they (Pampers, Huggies, etc.) even allow a pic of a topless little boy or girl to be plastered on a diaper box we see in grocery stores/supermarkets everyday?), Leela when she was an infant in the episode Leela's Homeworld, or even Belgium's famous kids: Manneken Pis/Jeanneke Pis. That, combined with YouTube having a flawed comment moderating system hindering my ability to post comments on certain-to-random videos (I.E, "ghosting"), I'm forced to take more drastic measures to get my messages across. All this combined, ~I'VE NEVER FELT SO SHUNNED FROM THE INTERNET IN ALL MY LIFE!~
But here's a strange catch: sometimes on some sites, Napalm Girl is censored, other sites she isn't. So I felt that I need to protest this. It seems everyone is too chicken to even start this subject! Don't these numbskulls know not to judge a book by it's cover?! This is where I ask myself "NOW WHAT?!". This can't be one of those "exceptional" cases where they say "suicide never solves anything" doesn't apply to these types of situations. In other words, all hope for resolving these types of situations really is lost. I really do feel left in the dark on both the subject of sound effects and nudity!
Once more, I'm not being a ped, I'm protesting all these absurd censorship rules and regulations that revolve around the female human - regardless of race and age - after what Inside Edition posted. Watch the videos I found again for clarification. In other words, ~the inconsistencies of female human censorship~.
Can you really - you know, hurl insults at Inside Edition or blast them for what they did? It was their idea to publicly publish the footage. Just like how that one photographer made the choice to publicly publish footage of the Napalm Girl when she was 9 and completely nude. Therefore, it should be ok to share this footage anywhere.
But some areas censored Napalm Girl's nipples, but others did not - excluding her groin. Then there's the diaper boxes I found in any supermarket. And finally... Surprise surprise: typical women being scolded by other people for wearing something "inappropriate" or "showing too much of their body". I look around and since no one else is protesting about this, I might as well do it! After all, someone's gotta step up to the plate to hit that ball! I will not sit idling by the sidelines and continue to watch the female human get treated/censored like this! I will stand up, step up, and speak out towards these absurd reactions, rules, and regulations that revolve around the appearance and censorship of the female body! What about the famous Jeanneke Pis in Belgium? Do you think she along with other nude statues are trying to promote pedophilia?
submitted by MeatJordan to whatsbotheringyou [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:11 unmaskingMe Am I reading too much into this

We've been low contact with MIL since I was pregnant with D for a number of reasons. She always plays the victim, and if you challenge her on anything, she acts like she doesn't understand, cries, or lashes out. There’s a history of this type of behavior with MIL where it feels like she is being covertly aggressive but always acts innocent and confused. We are in our hometown visiting for the weekend and are staying with my family which is always an issues with MIL, and she says we favor them, but we don't enjoy being in their house and feel uncomfortable. MIL invited us for dinner at 5 o'clock, the kids had loads of energy so we decided to go to the park first to let the kids run around and get their energy out. I texted MIL around 3:50 to let her know our plan. She immediately replied, asking when we would be there because BIL was anxious to see the kids.
When we arrived, things were okay. MIL was acting weird, wanting to show me various things and all the prizes she won from the casino and offering them as gifts.(she goes the casino every week and people who bet money get prizes for being a gold memory base on how much they spend) She barely tries to talk to her son my HB and instead after I have said, I need to sit down my allergies are really bothering me and I need to close my eyes. She insists on me following her around the house to show me all the things they have. We had supper, and then they MIL asks if she can give our D her gift since they won't be coming for her birthday. Even though we have invited them she says they won't be coming since my mother is going up. So they gave our D her birthday present: a hat, sunglasses, and a t-shirt size 7/8-year-old. We don't expect much from them anymore, they have stopped asking for gift ideas and now just get junky gifts like plastic toys that break shortly after or have nothing to do with the kids interest. I thought it was not a scant for a birthday present for your only granddaughter on her 5th birthday. But what really upset my HB and I is after they started taking all of BIL's toys out of his room and showing them to her. All of a sudden, you could see D look at her gift bag, and sadness washed over her. She said, not in a demanding way but confused, "I want another gift." MIL, clearly not understanding, offered her a cup you put boiled eggs in and then proceeded to walk D around the house, offering her random things. D started crying, and MIL came downstairs while FIL went to check on her. D said, "NO, I WANT MY MOM!" So I went up, and D could barely get the words out before bursting into tears, saying she wanted to go home and she was trembling. I picked her up and motioned to HB, who already felt off and not into the situation, and started taking D to get her shoes on. She just kept crying heavily, saying she wanted to go home. MIL came up to us, asking, "What's wrong, D? I am so sorry I don't have anything else for you." She kept going on, and I put my hand up and said, "MIL, it's not about a gift. It's about realizing someone hasn't thought of you beforehand. Your gift was okay, but then parading a bunch of toys around after you gave her a shirt and hat is insensitive." Then MIL disappeared and came out with a full art set. ( and our D loves painting and doing art) D was still in tears, pleading to leave. She took it in shock, and then MIL gave her a hug. I was standing there, completely confused. So now I am left feeling like a psychopath for wondering if they got her the art set and took it away out of spite because we didn't come to dinner early enough. When I mentioned this to HB, his immediate response was, "Well, at his birthday they said they didn't have money, didn’t give him a gift, and then got one for his brother and went on a trip right after." To add to the confusion, MIL had taken me upstairs earlier and showed me all the extra stuff she has—pillows, water bottles, mug sets. The art set was not there. So now I am wondering if I am overreacting to the situation.
submitted by unmaskingMe to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:09 dumbprocessor German Roommate keeps inviting herself and makes things awkward

So me and my gf live in a house with a German girl the same age as us. Now we love cooking/eating and so does everyone in our friend circle so we often invite our friends over for dinner. Now we always want to be friendly and also invite our roommate to join to eat but the problem is she ends up wanting to take over as host and ends up cooking stuff double the amount of what we do. Now there's like two sections of food on the table and to be polite, she is not the best at cooking so not many people end up eating her food.
Now where we come from its quite rude when someone invites you to show up with enough food to feed everyone. Is it just German culture to "share" your guests and if so how can I let her know that it's not alright or welcome without hurting her feelings?
submitted by dumbprocessor to AskAGerman [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 12:05 SleipnirRanch Was i abused?

I'm 42m.
I have never had close friends and have no family. I try to think of why i turned out like this. I grew up in a middle class home. My dad made ok money but worked night shift my entire childhood, he rarely spoke to me or did things with me. My mom was a stay at home mom until i was a teenager.
I think most days my parents did not really interact with me except for essential things, so they gave me food and clothes, but doing things with them was very rare, like we went on vacations maybe 3 or 4 times during my childhood. I never learned to ride a bike or to swim. I think i learned to tie my shoes when i was 12, i taught myself. I remember that i did not learn to use the bathroom until i was 3, and that also i taught myself, i didn't understand for a long time when i was at other peoples houses or my cousins houses why they had small toilets for the babies.
I remember specific things that happened that stand out in my mind as being especially bad. There are 3 that i can think of.
When i was like 5 or so, i remember being in my room very cold. I didn't understand at the time, but later i came to understand that our house was very drafty and cold in the winter because we had wooden windows and they should have been painted about once a year, they were not maintained and so did not shut all the way were always cracked open a small amount. Also the furnace did not heat the whole house, it only heated it until the thermostat on the 1st floor reached it's preset point, so the upstairs was usualy 10 or more degrees colder. My mom didn't think that we needed blankets (my sister and me, she is about 4 years older). We had sheets on the bed and that was all. I don't remember if it was my sisters idea, i think it was, we went into the hall closet at night to get more blankets and my mom caught us and yelled at us and made us put them back. She said that the blanket i took was a wedding present and i didn't need it. Years later i remember my sister as a teenager having several arguments with my mom about a comforter that she had bought herself. When i moved out of the house i stole that same blanket that was still folded up in the closet never used. Still have it.
When i was 9 i got very sick. My mom thought i had some kind of flu. I kept throwing up. She did not take me to the doctor. She always said how dumb it was how people took their kids to the doctor all the time just because they were sick. She kept giving me ice cream because she said that was good for throwing up and keeping energy up. I was sick for i think more than a whole week, not sure if it went on for 2 or not. Still didn't take me to a doctor, i kept throwing up. Then one day i collapsed and they called an ambulance. It turned out that i was diabetic and was throwing up because my blood sugar was too high.
Later, i think i was 12 or 13. I developed ingrown toenails. My big toes would bleed and ooze every day. When i came home from school they would be stained with blood and some yellow. My mom would yell at me for this and scold me for not taking better care of my feet. This went on for about 6 months. My mom got a foot bath for me, and told me to soak my feet in warm water and gave me these sharp sticks to try to pry the nail out of the skin, but it didn't work. Eventually she did take me to a doctor who performed the surgery to cut the toenails out.
Other things that i remember, smaller things, were things like i asked to join the boy scouts at one point and my mother told me she didn't have to do that because she had already done that when my sister was in girl scouts, and i asked to learn to ride a bike at one point and my parents told me i was too old to go ride a bike with training wheels so i wasn't allowed. I told my mom at one point that when i grew up i wanted to have a family with lots of kids, and she told me i couldn't have a family because of my diabetes, it was going to be too expensive.
My parents never hit me, or denied me food, and when i got diabetes my mom would always track all of my sugar levels and how much insulin, she still has stacks and stacks of the monthly sheets for tracking everything the doctors office gave us. But i don't remember ever playing with her or my dad, my dad didn't take me to football games, though he went with my grandma all the time, they had season tickets together. My parents never told me i should join anything at school like sports or anything.
The older i get, the more i think of these things, and look at how much i hate my life, and i blame them and get angrier at them, i hate them. They are in their 70's now, they invite me over for dinner, on the weekends sometimes, i hate going over there, when ever they text me asking me to go i yell at my phone and i wish they would both die already.
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2024.05.19 12:04 Key-Review5550 Just need a caring person

I have been so fucked by the mental health system. How the government claims to care could give a shit less about people like me. Just a tiny bit of background just have someone please help me right now I need it badly. I’ve been beyond traumatized not fun to put out there I don’t need sympathy or want people feeling sorry for me I’ve healed. But I’ve been not just traumatized the kind of trauma they only right books for the kind where the only few times I tell it someone just stares at me and cry’s and wonders why I’m even still here or how I made it. Yea life sucks so when I hear people complaining while there’s people like me that been thru so real ass shit that have healed and are happy living life just being happy. I judge the people that always want to complain coming from someone like me it’s not worth it shit just be happy. Anyway I need peoples help right now I don’t know where to turn to or what to do. I’ve surrounded my life with nothing but positive people and don’t even know where to start and don’t want to give anyone the slightest rumor that could be started about me. I’m medicated. It helps me. Been medicated since 10 going thru the shit I’ve been thru you get issues you learn how to cope with it so I did and since 10 been taking adhd medication, bipolar disorder, and sometimes Xanax for my sever ptsd lmao ain’t it crazy to be diagnosed with that one at just 10 years old. Anyway I hardly even take it only time I even take one is when I can’t even breath anymore when I’m on the the floor hyperventilating from my past is the one single time I’ll take that Xanax because it makes me have a certain high I hate. Love me some weed, will smoke famn near anyone under the table I love weed. Weed helps. But so does my adhd medication probably more then anything because out of everything the sever adhd I have makes it damn near impossible to live with. So someone somewhere tell me how it’s possibly fair and I mean the slightest bit fair to take the one medication I’ve been on for over 15 year away because people have chosen it to get high on? I don’t even get what other people use it for it just makes me feel normal doesn’t make me hyper or anything I’ve gone into detail here so not one damn person can judge me for asking what I’m about to. I have children that I have to be okay for. I’m going on 2 weeks of being denied and not being okay trust me I’ve tried every damn legal avenue. Tried paying it out of pocket because of how long I’ve been diagnosed. Tried going to other therapist even fucking tried begging my doctor but they all just look at you as a addict wanting there fix. So someone for the love of god please tell me if these illegal online pharmacies are real. I just need some kind of stimulant doesn’t even matter what at this point just has to be a bigger mg because of how severe I am. All I want to do is take my medication all I’ve ever wanted to do is to be stable for my children I love them and give them more love and attention then most do I broke the stupid cycle. And this is now starting to cause me to get angry at my kids for little shit and they look at me in a way they’ve never have please just anyone help me I don’t care how or what I have to do I just fucking need it I need someone to please here my sincerity and help me this isn’t fair it’s just not fair. I mean I’m posting on Reddit for god sakes just help me
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