Reading logs for elementary school

In the heart of Chicago, where the skyline pierced the heavens and the streets pulsed with life, there lived a man named Victor Kane. At 26 years old and a startling 6'3" in stature, Victor commanded attention effortlessly. His piercing gaze seemed to see through the very fabric of one's soul, and his knowing, flirtatious smirk hinted at secrets that few could ever fathom. Victor was a man of many faces, each one carefully crafted and expertly worn to blend into any situation, like a chameleon adapting to its surroundings. Each interaction with another human was as if it were another painting to be hung in the Art Institute of Chicago, a masterpiece of social maneuvering and charm.
To most, he appeared unremarkable, perhaps even a bit dim, an illusion he maintained with meticulous precision. Yet beneath this facade lay a mind as sharp as a dagger, honed by years of strategic thinking, manipulation, and the art of emotional deceit. Victor had learned from the best. His father, a man deeply entrenched in the shadowy world of organized crime, had mastered the art of bending reality to his will. A master chess player, he treated people like pieces on a grand chessboard, moving them at his whim, always six steps ahead. Victor had absorbed these lessons like a sponge, his young mind eagerly soaking up every tactic, every subtle nuance of control.
Battles with his father have left their scars, trailing off Victor like a snake's entrails as they slither through crowded streets, scanning for their next meal. They probe the aura of each passerby, tasting their energy, yet to their disappointment, they find no juicy, dirt-filled sponge of pain and suffering. They taste desires, yet nothing hits just right. Empty husks, devoid of the essence they crave. Living memories enshroud him in a cloud of black smoke, a spectral fog visible only to a witch. A demon, masquerading as a homeless man and muttering incoherent whispers, feels the snake's embrace tighten around him. He halts abruptly, turning to Victor with a knowing gaze. 'I see you,' he murmurs, 'Such discipline and composure may deceive the others, yet it's only a matter of time before they find you.' The homeless man continues his walk, pulling a black suitcase along, his tattered white shirt contrasting sharply with his black suit, and no tie to complete the ensemble.
Victor makes no comment, his mind a labyrinth of dark intentions and calculated moves. He viewed the world as a malleable entity, something he could shape and twist to suit his needs. The streets, the people, the very air he breathed; they were all part of a grand, intricate game where he alone held the key. He had no qualms about using others to achieve his goals, seeing them as mere tools in his grand design. It was a dangerous philosophy, one which required constant vigilance and adaptability. As he moved through the throngs of oblivious souls, he could almost hear the whispers of their deepest fears and hidden sins. The scars trailed behind him, living entities of their own, reaching out hungrily, desperate for a morsel of genuine suffering. Yet the city, with all its noise and chaos, offered little more than hollow echoes and fleeting shadows. Traces of happiness. Lost children in the never ending void of their own desperation. Victor's eyes flickered with a cold, calculating light. He was a master of this urban jungle, a predator in search of worthy prey. The demon’s warning lingered in his mind, yet it only fueled a burning hunger. He thrived in the shadows, where power and control were his for the taking. Each step he took was a step closer to his ultimate end goal, a twisted vision of dominance, only he could see.
In the distance, the city’s lights shimmered like false promises, yet Victor knew better. Beneath the surface, in hidden corners and forgotten alleys, darkness mirrored his own. In this abyss, he felt certain he would find what he sought: the true essence of his own hunger, the raw, unfiltered energy he could devour. Victor thrived on the underestimation of others, reveling when people perceived him as lesser. Such perceptions made his manipulations appear as innocent mistakes, acts of ignorance and oblivion. His favorite targets: those with inflated egos, individuals convinced of their invincibility.
"A person with a big ego is like an orgasm," he often mused, speaking as if to his shadow. "It's just so easy. Their first mistake: telling me we're not equals. Afterward, they reveal all the buttons and levers in their psyche. They hand me their own weapon on a silver platter, asking, 'Victor, please send me to meet Anpu. Please show me the gates of my own demise.' Their insanity begs to be freed from this curse of societal norms. Always the first mistake, then the rest follow." Laughter echoed from the snakes twining around Victor. As he whispered these musings, the words ensnared a group of Venezuelans nearby, inciting them into a frenzy of violence without understanding the spark. Victor watched, casually tossing a silver dollar their way as if to say, "Welcome to the sanctuary," his smirk a shadow under the flickering streetlights. He calls to the boys, 'there now before you boys get into trouble remember this, you're only seeing the lions teeth, yet you haven't seen what triggered it.' They stared at Victor, startled, as he bid them farewell with a two-finger salute from his left temple and continued wandering down the street.
A drone sliced through the air, its camera lens capturing the serpentine twists of the Chicago River below. Victor, watching its flight, was transported to his youth, to days spent cobbling together a demonic owl from discarded household trinkets and an owl decoy. He would pilot this macabre creation through his neighborhood, a spectral puppeteer orchestrating nocturnal ballets which both delighted and unnerved his unsuspecting audience. A sinister grin unfurled across his lips, a shadow's whisper, as memories of those simple machines mingled with the sophisticated arsenal he commanded today. In the digital age, Victor had become a maestro of manipulation, his tools refined yet no less mischievous. Social media platforms were his stage, targeted advertisements and spoofed numbers his actors, each one playing their part in his grand, deceptive symphony. With the deftest touch, he planted seeds of doubt, spun webs of misinformation, transforming allies into adversaries, stitching chaos into the fabric of daily lives with mere whispers masquerading as shouts. His schemes were crafted with such subtlety, woven so seamlessly into the warp and weft of reality, that his victims believed themselves architects of their own undoing.
The crowning jewel of his current machinations was a prototype drone, a whimsical homage to the contraptions of his youth yet imbued with the precision of modern technology. This drone, engineered to navigate from the chilly confines of his refrigerator to the steamy oasis of his rooftop hot tub, was a testament to his technical acumen. Crafted to be mended with mere baubles from any corner hardware store, it stood as a symbol of practical genius, a playful yet potent emblem of his enduring craft.
Victor glimpsed a universe of possibilities within this project, each drone a seed from which new opportunities might bloom. "Perhaps I could craft a model for a dive shop in Australia," he mused. "A sentinel to monitor the slow dance of decay among the coral reefs." Such a gift could forge pathways, perhaps even secure an internship, an opportunity to wield his 417 subclass visa before its flame flickered out. The prospect of traversing Australia's vast landscapes, of weaving his influence through uncharted territories and minds, sparked a thrill within him. Beyond the realm of circuitry and code, Victor possessed a profound mastery over the human psyche. He had the uncanny ability to read individuals, to delve into the murky depths of their insecurities and desires. With the finesse of a sculptor, he could mold a woman’s perception, convincing her of a soul-deep connection, crafting mirages of perfect compatibility. Yet, for all his prowess in the art of deception, Victor adhered to his own strict code. He eschewed physical violence, never staining his hands with assault; his dominion was the mind, his influence woven through the delicate fabric of psychology.
In Chicago's suffocating underbelly, Victor's father regarded him not with paternal concern, rather with venomous animosity. Their relationship was a battleground, devoid of affection or empathy, cloaked threats masquerading as concern. "Victor, if you don't see a psychiatrist, I'm cutting you off," he declared, his voice a cold hiss, a deeper wish for Victor's demise lurking beneath. Victor's laugh, hollow, echoing through the night, a sound devoid of warmth, knew well the true nature of the psychiatrist and the deeper machinations of his father's cruel intentions. His father viewed him not as a son, yet as a nemesis, a presence he wished to erase from existence. Surrounded by the oppressive cityscape, Victor stood alone atop his building, the L line screeching past, the lights below mere distant, watchful eyes. "Tomorrow, I bend reality once more," he whispered into the void, his voice merging with the cold wind sweeping the rooftops.
The relentless pursuit of his father's malice shadowed him into the darkest city corners where shadows moved with intent, whispering of ancient, sinister forces. Here, in the corner of his eyes an oozing of black liquid drenched an alley, a tar monster, a grotesque manifestation of the city’s darkest secrets, its gnarled face and gleaming teeth mirroring the twisted relationship endured. Against a backdrop of a city thrumming with malevolent energy, Victor pondered the fragile line between delusion and reality. "It's only delusional till it works, so is it really delusional?" he mused aloud, his words dissipating into the night where the distinction between madness and genius blurred by darkness.
Retreating from the alley, his figure melded into the shadows, each step deliberate, burdened with the weight of a cursed legacy. He was acutely aware of his dual role, both manipulator and pawn in a grander, more malevolent game, a game orchestrated by forces predating the city itself. Every movement influenced by the sinister energy pervading Chicago, a legacy of corruption and darkness intertwined with his own existence. Victor understood his every action overseen by the ancient entity had taken interest in him, an entity finding delight in his struggle, offering protection at a dreadful cost.
Emerging from the shadows back into the flickering city lights, Victor found no solace in the illumination yet his smile stretched reaching his eyes showing his gleaming razor sharp teeth. These lights did not offer hope only humor; they were beacons of a foreboding reality. He resolved to continue bending reality, wielding the cursed power both protecting, ensnaring him, and pointing out the irony of his situation. Day after day, he would play this dark game, a master of deceit entwined with an ancient force more profound and sinister than any could fathom.
With one final, lingering look at the alley where darkness reigned supreme, Victor Kane laughed, a hollow echo fading as he stepped into the nearby pub. Inside, the warm glow contrasted starkly with the night's chilling embrace, yet the shadows seemed merely to lurk at the edges, waiting. At their usual spot by the worn bar, he found Billy Smith, his old high school Basketball teammate, with two pints of beer ready. They clinked glasses, the sound slicing through the hum of conversations around them. "To the unexpected," Victor intoned, his voice laced with a hint of irony. As they settled into the rhythm of their catch-up, the conversation inevitably turned toward the unfolding news, the war in Ukraine, an event that had caught the world off guard.
"No one ever saw it coming," Billy remarked, his tone a mix of wonder and concern.
Victor's eyes flickered with a dark amusement, and raising his glass again, he offered a toast, this time in Latin, a language that carried the weight of history and secrets. "Ad profundis malorum," he declared, which translated to 'To the depths of evils.'
Billy paused, the words hanging between them like a veil being slowly drawn back to reveal a hidden scene. The toast was enigmatic, resonant with Victor’s acknowledgment of the chaos brewing both near and far, a chaos that, perhaps, only he could navigate.
As the night deepened within the grimy confines of the pub, where every corner whispered of misdeeds and the air hung heavy with the scent of stale beer and lost hopes, the laughter and chatter provided a deceptive cover for the profound game silently playing in Victor’s mind. His cryptic toast, "Ad profundis malorum," echoed a darker undertone amidst the jovial noise.
Across the bar, a woman with long jet black hair and piercing grey eyes watched Victor. Clad in a striking red full-grain leather trench coat, her presence was undeniably conspicuous, yet paradoxically, she remained unnoticed. Despite her short stature, she was fit, her features sharply defined, an attractiveness seemingly almost otherworldly amidst the grime of the pub. Curiously, not even the barkeep spared her a glance, as if she existed in a separate realm, visible only to those she chose to confront. As Billy excitedly shared his plans to open a dive shop with a taco bar on the roof, the woman’s lips moved in a whisper, her voice a soft, clear bell in the din, carrying a dire warning. "I know what you are. We found you." At that moment, a flashback surged through Victor’s mind, a haunting image of a colonial girl he once saw in the Fraser Experimental Forest. His girlfriend at the time had turned to him, her voice tinged with unease. "Victor, do you see what I see? The girl? Yeah, the girl. I can feel something following us. As if it knows what we are yet won't approach, yet I can feel it." This vivid recollection now seemed a prelude to the current moment, a chilling reminder the forces he had glimpsed back then were the same now declaring their presence.
The evening wound down with plans made and stories shared, yet the woman’s prophetic words and the ghostly memory of the girl hung unseen in the air, portending looming confrontations between the light she embodied and the shadow following Victor Kane. As the patrons began to drift away, the shadows reclaiming their territory within the pub, the mysterious woman’s figure faded into the background, her message delivered, her purpose yet unclear but undoubtedly intertwined with Victor’s fate.
The end.

Starting today I will set short them goals. I hope that I will be able to achieve them and set new ones.
I will give myself 40 days and I will try to log them here on Reddit.
So the goals are: 1. Losing at least 10kg. I currently weigh 126kg and tbh I’m really scared. I have no energy to do things and this affects other aspects of my life.

1. Finishing 1 programming tutorial and create 1 small project ( nothing complicated, it should be a calculator, a shopping list or a to do list ).
   
2. Stop eating sugar.
   
3. Read 20 pages every day
   

I think that 4 are enough for begging. I hope that I will be able to accomplish and change some bad habits.
I will come with a post on my profile talking about my day.
Thank you for reading!

So I'm gonna try my best to explain how I'm feeling right now. It's related to school and personal life ig. A couple days ago a friend of mine in school was selected to go to a funded trip to a European country for the finale of a contest he participated in. Now I've been an A/A* student my whole life and i just didn't partake in that contest because most of the times we never really get the rewards mentioned in the contests and they always sound like money-grabs. That particular contest i don't partake in and that happens.... Now since that day I've been feeling like shit. The moment i get a smile on my face i get reminded of that moment and my heart just constricts and there's the weird wave of depression and anxiety i feel.
The thing that hurts me the most is that i lost the chance to make my mother feel so proud. She always has high hopes for me and this would've just made her so happy. Thing is this has never happend before and being in a third world country its a pretty big deal to have a trip like that. And everytime i think about it i go into this whole thought about what my mom would've felt like how happy and proud everyone would've been.... This right here is what makes me just want to sit and hate myself over and over again.
I feel like I've lost motivation or something I don't understand but everything feels so much dull now. It's not like my parents or anyone else hated me for it, but there's just that feeling inside.
Please help me out. I try to tell myself it's God's will but i still feel depressed.
Thank you for reading this.

I (M42) and my spouse (F40)
I just had the shock of my life, and possibly the most dramatic upheaval imaginable. I'm scared, concerned and i wonder if anyone else has a similar experience. This is concerning my soon to be ex-wife. Not an easy read or even to type, but strap yourselves in. We were married for 13 years, had known each other for 23. She was a child that grew up in a war in her home country, and was effected by it more than she let on. During the last 4 years of our relationship, she started developing incredible anxiety and depression. She would become like an exposed nerve, and every perceived slight became something she would ruminate on for days at a time. We had some events in our marriage that were incredibly stressful. Our son was born prematurely, our daughter when she was born was also traumatic. She was always highly strung when i knew her. i was very much the calming influence to her and it was a role that developed in our dynamic. i would be her rock and safe place. Things started to change, and dramatically so. I travel with work and she would look after the kids. i would be home large parts of the year, but i would have to go away sometimes for 4 weeks at a time. When covid hit, we were both home for a better part of 18 months, and i started to notice things that concerned me. She began to become incredibly paranoid about neighbours. She was certain they were spyi ng on us somehow (even though they were 80, and not at all interested in us). This spiraled from the neighbours commenting on the length of our grass. It effected her, and she became fixated. Any new neighbours she instantly distrusted, and she believed they all spoke badly of her.none of it was true, but in her state of hypervigilance, she was misinterpreting signs. A strange look, or half glance was enough to make her feel unsafe and scared. This slowly devolved into her being fearful of being spied on in the shower, people who walked dogs the same time each morning past our house were doing it to spy on us, etc. I could see it was draining her, and making her very ill with stress so we discussed maybe going to therapy, which she did. During the years we were together, she had been on various anti-depressants to cope with depression. I always chalked it down to post natal depression and the stress being a mother brought to her, especially when i went away. She attended therapy, but would stop when it became uncomfortable. She then opened up to me one day regarding it. It turns out that she was molested as a child by a family friend, and had buried it. that coupled with seeing her childhood friend die from an explosion (which i knew about) had effected her more than we knew. The therapy seemed to make it worse, and since that point things took a massive nose dive. She was an incredibly bubbly, happy and cheerful person to everyone. or so i thought. She would sometimes drop the mask at home, and i could see the turmoil developing. I hate to admit it, but i was blind to it for many years. she had masked it from the very beginning. Her paranoia got worse and worse. she came off of her antidepressants and started using weed vape pens to be able to cope with the incredible anxiety. I watched her drift apart from me over the last two years, her kindness towards me vanishing and almost a resentment towards me. She would complain about the new house we had bought and that she hated it because of the neighbours. We discussed moving, but she realised in her more lucid times that the issue would follow her whereever she went. The last year together she would speak about moving to another country. I said i would, but after my parents, who are old, passed. i didn't want them to not see our children in their final years. We had grown apart, she had this strange push-pull dynamic with me. One day she'd love me and be this caring person, the next cold and distant. I tried incredibly hard to pull us back together whilst dealing with her delusions of paranoia that were still ongoing, but the more i tried (and at some points i was quite combative and forceful) to get her to communicate, the more she pulled away. There was hardly any intimacy, which i yearned for and would comment on. She would initiate it sometimes, but for me, i'm ashamed to say, i complained about it a lot. She would have sex with me on occasion, and then if we argued later say "i didn't really want sex, it was like rape". This hurt me to my core, and made me bitter about how we were. The arguments became worse and worse. She started resenting me for trapping her. That was her reality. i had trapped her in the relationship. It wasn't true, but she was upset i travelled with work and could escape when she couldn't. It was never escape for me, i travelled because i had to. Her and the kids were all i wanted to be with. Travel to me was a chore.
Slowly she withdrew more. The more i tried to help and talk, the more she withdrew. All the time she was still paranoid, and now believed the neighbours were spying on her with cameras in the garden. the "cameras" were garden lights.
After three years of constant paranoia and her anxiety, it was starting to effect me. We couldn't go out in the area as she hated the neighbours. Yet to their faces she was bubbly and happy, smiley and almost overly kind. Yet when we were alone, the mask would slip and all her thoughts about them would spill out. Our social life started to be affected,
Anything i said was misunderstood or taken in such a way that i was insulting her. If i said she was silly for thinking in a certain way, i was calling her stupid. Anytime i tried to logic something out with her regarding the neighbours (for example she believed they were watching her shower) it was dismissed. I actually showered and told her to ask if she could see me from the garden. She was confused when she saw she couldn't.
The delusions became worse, and she became more and more paranoid. The textured glass in the bathroom was the wrong way around in her eyes, so people could see in. The motion activated light at the bottom of the garden was a camera, for sure. things like this.She withdrew more and more. I had to go away on a work trip, and the day before i left she asked for a divorce. I was hurt, but said "we can talk about it when i get home" when i arrived at the destination i was working across the world, i messaged her. No response. I tried multiple times until eventually i got a text "The kids will be taken away from me, and i will be sent back to my home country" I rang my father who lived very close to us to find out what was happening.
She had asked him to take her to the police station. She said to report the neighbours for spying, which she did try to do. they obviously didn't listen. She was taken to hospital by my father as she was having a mental breakdown and behaving strangely. I told my boss i had to fly home as something was happening. he booked me the earliest flight and i flew back. I was arrested from the plane. She had accused me of Rape, Control and coercion and ABH. Things i would never do. I was arrested, questioned and told not to go back to my home or to contact her. In one day i lost everything. I was in shock and was an emotional wreck. Worst of all i was concerned and scared for my wife and kids. She blamed me for her emotional state. said i had caused everything and had abused her constantly for years. After a week of staying at my friends house, social services got involved as the kids were missing school. It turns out she was taking the kids to hotels because she was terrified of staying at home. The kids told me later that "mummy thinks men are after her" instead of telling any authorities this, she said it was because she was scared of me. Social services believed everything she said. I was under investigation for the allegations, although not charged. The investigations were ongoing for three months, and in that time i wasn't allowed to contact her at all. Unfortunately in my fear i contacted her repeatedly. She had me arrested for harassment, and i was charged and convicted. I wasn't ever abusive in the texts, but i did contact her a lot.
I secured access to my children through a rushed family court order. I also placed a block on her leaving the country without seeking my permission with the children, as she had taken my passport details to apply for the kids passports without my knowledge. I did this due to her erratic behaviour and i knew she wasn't stable. My father thought i'd over-reacted, but my ex was so good at masking she hid how she really felt even to him. Oscar level masking.
Looking back i realise how bad it was. She ran from her home country at 18 and always ran. she always wanted to move jobs if something went wrong. She would cut off long term friends in an instant if she felt any pressure form them. Her first instinct would always be to flee anything. Any littlle insignificant thing or slight would become something she'd chew over for weeks, often applying the worst case scenario that would then become her reality. The truth was she was constantly afraid. I think at the end i became something she was afraid of too. My determination to keep us together and keep her from falling apart became too much for her. I wasn't always kind and was exasperated a lot. I was too demanding on someone that was exhausted, anxious and clearly unwell. Unfortunately i didn't realise this until too late. I still see the children, but have zero contact with her. She filed a restraining order due to the harassment conviction which i will adhere to. I'm currently going through family court again to secure further rights. She applied for full custody and has said some very terrible untruthful things at court to almost destroy me and remove me from her life. I'm a broken man because of it all, but staying strong for the kids.
I hope there will be some sort of resolution in the future, but i realise that she's scared of me now as she is scared of everything. She told me near the end that she trusts nobody. This broke my heart. The court on the last visit realised that something wasn't right. they have ordered a investigation into our family, and it will hopefully be reported in June when we go back to court. Her medical documents have been re-visited and statements taken. My father witnessed some very strange behaviour and has reported it. We just have to see what happens. She has requested to sell the property we lived in, and i'm slowly watching the life we built implode. She also has asked for the order that stipulates the need for permission to leave the country lifted. June will be the crunch time.

Hi folks,
I’m 16, in the middle of my GCSEs and have had Type 1 nearly 9 years. My TIR is 83% and last HbA1C was 5.6%.
First of, I have a lot of non-diabetes related issues at home and my school,especially my history teacher and mental health lead, are invaluable at supporting me and they actually try to learn about my diabetes, unlike the horror stories I’ve read here.
Like when we went out the other day, my mum said I shouldn’t bring my bag with hypo treatments because I could run home to get it if I went low. What? Just what? That’s incredibly stupid advice.
I had 2 days of double exams and ate after my last exam of the day so my BG didn’t go crazy eating at the wrong time (2nd exam started at lunch), yes I’ve lectured my self internally already, I know this was stupid. I got home and got torn a new one about how I need to look after my diabetes better and I should be making my life easier by eating, which would have thrown my BG majorly off for my exams.
Whenever my parents hear a Dexcom alarm they’re always like “Really,again?” And sound really exasperated over my going low. So now I feel like a complete inconvenience.
Is this behaviour normal?

I had a reading once with a psychic and she told me I have a spirit guides. I kinda don't believe it because I haven't seen one nor I have a 3rd eye. Several days after that I dream about my spirit guides telling me that they're always by my side and that they love me. There were two of them 1 guy and 1 woman. They have buff bodies and the woman has long black curly hair. In that dream, it was also night and they talk to me a lot and when morning came they said they have to go since they have other works as well. I was sad and beg them to stay and even have them promise me to meet again at night, I woke up after that. The 2nd night, I can't sleep no matter what I do, I'm also skeptical wether what I dream was real or not so yeah no meetup in dreams happen again but that night I can feel like there's a static electricity at the back of my head just below my neck I don't know if it's related to that. There's also a scene one night where I was so frustrated because I couldn't bought the thing I badly need. So even though I kinda find it ridiculous, I keep thinking "If I really have a spirit guide, please help me get it, I badly need that" when I didn't get it, I really cursed them in my head and said a lot of bad things because of so much frustration. I sleep that night and when I wake up, I feel the static electricity at the back of head again (I don't really know how to describe it but it really feels like a static electricity and is tingling) and I was like where they trying to communicate with me again? That day I receive a news that I can finally bought it, when that happened my left ear feels hot all of a sudden like someone literally lit a match to close to my left ear . It was aggressively hot (I don't have tinnitus btw, it happened that one time only) and I laugh because I remember what I did last night. I think that's their way of telling me, "You get what you want, so don't curse at me". So when I apologize, it stop. There were also times were I feel a pressure in my forehead like some invisible hand is pressing against it and sometimes I can also smell ritual oils though we don't actually use one. I also think they're giving me signs specially when I'm about to do a bad decision like one time "I decided to skip my exam, because I'm prioritizing my other workloads, suddenly I smell ritual oils again and I feel like my forehead is getting cold. I didn't think much of it. I was on my way home, when my groupmates told me that the deadline for my workload was moved, that means I don't have to skip my exam, so yeah I went back to school again that time (that was a waste of money and time seriously). Do I really have a spirit guides or maybe it's just in my head? I don't know, If I do can you give me tips and advice on how to communicate with them?

I think I am doing whats best for my kids and the right thing to set them up for school and succeed.
My kids go to bed a 9pm, for a few years now, as they need their sleep. They have ADHD and sleep is extremely important for them, to make sure they are rested, to help them focus, and be able to regulate themselves. They need their rest, as they are a little behind with writing, reading and spelling due to delayed brain development, in relation to ADHD.
In winter 9pm is no issue as its dark at that time, but every summer the kids go to bed when it is still light at 9pm. And when they go to bed, often their friends are still outside playing. When they are in their bedroom and look out the window at their playing friends, my heart breaks. I would love for them to play with their friends, but I think rest and school is more important. They are only in 2nd grade of primary school. But the bases of succeeding and making life easier down the line, starts in primary school imo.
I love my kids more than life itself, and when they ask me why they have to go to bed when its still light outside, I explain why they need their rest. Which for a kid is just blah blah of course. It is not causing big fights or anything, just disappointment on their end. Which is probably why my heart is hurting.
Am I doing the wrong thing here? I think I am not, but like to hear your opinion.

Hey! Would someone be willing to help me straighten out the bullet points on my resume before I repost it?
I have some examples ready here! If you only want to look at one bullet point that's fine and I appreciate it! I'm just struggling to make these and even after reading through the wiki and looking at success stories I'm still not including what I need to. I'll just do the work section for now and hopefully I'll get a hang of it so I can replicate it on the project sections. If you want to see the project sections I can always edit the post to add them :)

Section 1: Work

• 'Updated, corrected, or clarified company engineering drawings using SolidWorks or Autodesk depending on original file type in order to meet customer needs and maintain standards'
  
• 'Reduced the amount of parts being sent back with issues by 25% and ensured quality standards by using various inspection methods and tools such as calipers, thermometers, pyrometers, and multimeters'
  
• 'Fabricated thermocouples and RTDs using methods such as welding, brazing, and sandblasting in order to generate product that could be shipped to customers in a timely manner'
  

For my job, I create thermocouples and RTDs- small electronic parts. Also the thermowells and ceramic tubing that protects them. It's mainly shop work with TIG, Micro, and Hydrogen welding, oxy-acetylene brazing, sandblasting, mills, lathes, belt sanders, wire wheels, hydraulic tube bearers and what's essentially a horizontal impact hammer used to get MgO out of the tubing to get to internal wiring.
When I graduated I was titled 'engineer' but I still do mostly the same things, just with the added responsibility of fixing 3D drawings that are outdated, need a change, or just outright bad and confusing to read. I also will do quality control on parts shipping out and I'll take measurements with pyrometers, multimeters, and calipers in order to make sure that the parts were built to spec and are working (and look good and have the correct quantity). I also have to fix various machines as they break, though I do have help with that. And I was responsible for setting up the brand new hydrogen welder. Have been learning coding on the 5D cnc mill but I'm not listing that since the last time I did it was high school, though I do know how to do it just not that well.
Sorry that's a lot to read. Thanks for the help!! I really do want to do this right and get a job.

EXTRA: From a project

• 'Wrote code using MATLAB with Simulink block libraries to calculate needed aircraft performance parameters and revealed reasonable figures for static and dynamic damping coefficients'

I’m trying to recall the name of this book I remember really enjoying as a kid. I wondered if anyone else out there could help me think of the name. I’m honestly not sure if it was popular at all or if it was pretty obscure. I’m 25 and probably read it when I was around middle school age. So, I think it was like a young adult fiction novel. I can only remember really random pieces of it, and I remember these certain parts very vividly but can’t put them all together to think of the right thing to search. I believe the front cover was like a dark foggy looking forest, maybe with a bear?, and I think? there was a girl’s, the main character’s, face on it.. This girl lived in the woods I believe by herself and I think she was special somehow like had powers or something but not like a super hero book or whatever if that makes sense, more like Native American legend vibes it had. The most vivid scene I remember is there was bear stalking or chasing her in the woods and I remember it being super spooky. I think at one point in the book she comes across a village or some community in the woods maybe. I tried google search like “book about girl in woods chased by bear” or “book about girl living in the woods” but all books like “girl in the woods” or “girl in the forest” come up and it definitely was not a name like that. The name was different like unique going along with that Native American-y vibes. Maybe this rings a bell for someone! It’s on the tip of my tongue and it’s killing me to remember.

Can anyone please recommend anything I can watch/listen to/read in French that will help me improve? I was taking 5 30 minute lessons a week with an online school. However, I found it was really difficult learning certain french grammar rules etc because the teachers spoke no English at all. I'm taking lessons with a different school now and while I'm learning a lot, I only have 1 1-hour class a week and I need to supplement my learning with something. I do have conversational sessions over italki, but it can be expensive.My plan is to go to France for 1 month sometime in the future and go to a French school to improve more, but until then I need something to help me improve. I'm currently intermediate level. I can understand/speak well but I find it hard understanding french at normal conversational speed.

So... Guess I'll start by a acknowledging I know I could be in a worse place rn. I've had a lot of ppl tell me recently some version of "you're so smart, you have a lot going for you, it's really good you're doing so much for yourself, you'll have no problem finding a job, you have so much going for you" and it just.... Makes me feel hollow.
God I'm sick of hearing it. I have to smile and nod and say thank you and assure them of my plans to follow thru with this supposed success of my career... Which it isnt. I'm in my final yr of my grad program, taking an extended break from classes after a severe mental breakdown. Working up the courage to go back to work and the only thing going on in my head is, maybe this will work out ... If I get my shit together.
If. Always the critical bit.
It's just... So tenuous. I'm already at my limit. I have depression, anxiety, a panic disorder, a trauma disorder. I've switched therapists twice in the past 3 weeks and can't see my new one for a couple more due to some insurance problems. I just broke up with my partner and moved out, now I'm feeling both amazing relief and dread. Im so sick of trying and failing. I've been barely holding it together my entire life. I didn't just get depression in grad school, ive been like this since high school. And it's always "if" this works out, maybe things will get better. Well I did my best. Idk what to do anymore.
Again, logically, I know it's probably expected that the moving/breakup/depression phase all clashing is making this worse than it seems. I just can't get over how completely incapable I'm feeling right now. I'm just on autopilot. But autopilot won't be enough for me to graduate-- I actually have to work hard to finish. I just think I'm out of steam. It feels so stupid to be losing a battle like this. I don't even feel like a person
Thanks to any that read. Sending whatever support I can to you all as well

Prologue

Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.

Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.

I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.

With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.

Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.

To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?

I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give the English translation of my title as your own.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again

Salaam,
I (18) have been speaking to a guy (22) for 3 months. I would like to do nikkah so I do not fall into zina. However as I am still young I do not believe my father would agree to this, as he wishes for me to complete my education first.
Of course, I do understand that I am young and I haven’t known this guy for a long time to make a accurate judgement and yes, I also understand that I shouldn’t have spoken to him in the first place but what is done is done and I want to rectify my sin. I want to make this halal and do it right. I trust Allah and I believe the idea of marriage was planted into my head for a reason.
I also understand that it would be wise to consoled with my father first, but like I have said it would be extremely difficult for him to agree, I am the eldest child.
To be honest, even writing this I feel extreme stupidity. I shouldn’t have got myself in this situation in the first place and the most wise desision would be to leave him, and when my father is satfistfed with my amount of education then consider marriage. But, I know how I am and no amount of advice will allow me to stop talking to him, I think after a certain point you become attached to a person and even now if I wanted to leave him I could, but mentally I think it would be too much for me to bear. Which is why I am trying to find a way to rectify this situation, in a way that Allah will be pleased with me.
I’ve read about the Hanfi school of thaught. I don’t want to get a nikkah done and it not be valid because then it would still be zina.
For the nikkah, dosent the whole of society need to know that these two people have came together? I’m not sure, maybe the whole concept of a secret nikkah is wrong?
These days, it has been made so difficult for nikkah and there are so many expectations on the man. I read somewhere, if you do not have a lot you should still get married and Allah would give you more via blessings and barakah.
It’s not something I really want to do, I would rather have a wedding and invite everyone but with my current circumstances it would be too difficult to do, which is why I have started to consider this option.
Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
Jazakallah.

Hello everyone,
I’m a 30 yr old Canadian, currently working as a software developer with 4 years of experience and a bachelor’s degree in science. I have a decent income of around $100k, and realistically, I might make up to 200k ish if I get lucky in my career. I’m single, and I’ve recently started looking into the field of aviation.
I have several friends who are currently first officers at a regional airline, and after talking to them and doing a discovery flight myself, I found the experience truly amazing. Up until now, I’ve been happy with my work. I enjoy programming, I work fully remote, and my hours are always 8-4 with no overtime or stress after work. However, I’ve started to realize I’m missing out on a lot in life. I’ve lived in the same city for 30 years, always in my comfort zone.
Lately, I’ve noticed that my passion for software development is waning. I’m finding it increasingly boring, and studying for professional development in the field feels more like a chore than an opportunity and the information I need to cram into my brain is not anywhere near fun at all.
At the same time, thinking about a career in aviation excites me and makes me genuinely eager to study for it. It gets my heart jumping, and I haven’t felt this way about something in a while.
I’m in good mental and physical health, and I’ve passed the class 1 medical exam. I have, for the past 5 years been going to the gym daily and I am physically fit.
If I choose to quit my job and go all in with aviation school near my city, I’d aim to earn all the necessary ratings (PPL, CPL, multi, multi-IFR) and the 250 hours of flight time required to work as a first officer at a regional airline within the next 2 years. The cost is around $80k, which I can afford without taking out a loan. I also have enough to support myself through studying until I find myself a job as a first officer.
After finishing flight school, I’d work on the ramp until a first officer position becomes available, with a starting salary of around $40k-$50k. Assuming everything goes as planned, it should take 3 years or less (hopefully less) for me to reach this stage. I don’t want to keep comparing numbers, but I have to, to stay realistic. My end goal is to become a captain at Air Canada.
I’ve heard about the cons of being an airline pilot, such as unstable schedules, rough early career stages, and not being able to come home to spend time with (future) family. I don't know how I will feel about this, but I am both scared and okay at the same time. One of my biggest concerns is how the career is so seniority-based, given I am starting relatively late compared to people starting in their early 20s.
Main concern is how realistic it is for me to become a captain at Air Canada and start building my career there, knowing that seniority from a previous airline won’t transfer. How realistic is it that I will be able to make a comfortable living while doing the thing I love?
I want to make this change, but I’m scared. I know there are thousands of posts about whether 30+ is too old, and I’ve read them all, but I’m still scared I might not make it past the regional airlines.
Should I go for it?
Thanks for any advice.

Going through a rough breakup and the dreams are the worst part… for some reason lately I’ve been dreaming of my high school sweetheart, in increasingly sharper detail. Tonight, I was teaching him all the cool things about the native language of my current ex, and exchanging the poetry we used to read together.
It’s weird. This person is from 15 or so years ago, it’s crazy to think about him. It was an real, intense, and long-lasting love for sure. I wonder how he’s doing. I even followed him on IG because the feeling of closeness was so vivid. (He didn’t follow me back lol.) I get a little lost in dreamworlds.
Anyway. Better than dreaming than the current guy, those ones are crushing.
What should I do? I always have really vivid dreams when going through potent experiences. This is pretty uncomfortable. I don’t want to shy away from it necessarily. I guess my brain is processing and filing things away. This feels so traumatic.

Salaam,
I (18) have been speaking to a guy (22) for 3 months. I would like to do nikkah so I do not fall into zina. However as I am still young I do not believe my father would agree to this, as he wishes for me to complete my education first.
Of course, I do understand that I am young and I haven’t known this guy for a long time to make a accurate judgement and yes, I also understand that I shouldn’t have spoken to him in the first place but what is done is done and I want to rectify my sin. I want to make this halal and do it right. I trust Allah and I believe the idea of marriage was planted into my head for a reason.
I also understand that it would be wise to consoled with my father first, but like I have said it would be extremely difficult for him to agree, I am the eldest child.
To be honest, even writing this I feel extreme stupidity. I shouldn’t have got myself in this situation in the first place and the most wise desision would be to leave him, and when my father is satfistfed with my amount of education then consider marriage. But, I know how I am and no amount of advice will allow me to stop talking to him, I think after a certain point you become attached to a person and even now if I wanted to leave him I could, but mentally I think it would be too much for me to bear. Which is why I am trying to find a way to rectify this situation, in a way that Allah will be pleased with me.
I’ve read about the Hanfi school of thaught. I don’t want to get a nikkah done and it not be valid because then it would still be zina.
For the nikkah, dosent the whole of society need to know that these two people have came together? I’m not sure, maybe the whole concept of a secret nikkah is wrong?
These days, it has been made so difficult for nikkah and there are so many expectations on the man. I read somewhere, if you do not have a lot you should still get married and Allah would give you more via blessings and barakah.
It’s not something I really want to do, I would rather have a wedding and invite everyone but with my current circumstances it would be too difficult to do, which is why I have started to consider this option.
Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
Jazakallah.

I was originally going to post this is dating_advice but I kept going on into my problems so I think I need some different kind of help (i copy pasted the text I was writing there here, but also kept typing on it.) Halfway through I start talking a lot about my family so that’s not as relevant. Also this is an alt account because I wanted to be anonymous while posting this. I tried formatting it by different issues I guess. I formatted it after writing and i’m on phone (i’m trying to follow the community rules. Lemme know if this is acceptable or not):
(Intro and main topic) ———————————— • As of last year i’m a freshman in college just finishing up the second semester and I haven’t even made a single friend in college. Well I have met and talked to some people but the connection isn’t all too deep. It’s like we would call each other friends because we see each other “sometimes” but it’s not like we hang out for the sake of hanging out if that makes sense. So this entire year of college I haven’t made a single friend. This problem of not being able to approach people extends to my inability to find a girlfriend. I’ve never been in a relationship like that so i’m not even sure I would make a good boyfriend. But I know i’m longing for deeper connections with new friends or a girlfriend. I’ve never tried approaching someone or asking someone to go on a date. Except one time in high school where I thought I had feelings for someone but I’m still unsure I even did. I texted them asking them on a movie date but they said no. It was upsetting a little bit and made things awkward because I was unsure how to talk to them after that but I also wasn’t that worried about it later.
(Why approaching people is hard) ———————————— • Sometimes I think about approaching someone but then I think that there’s no point. The interaction won’t go anywhere besides a couple little back and forths and then we’ll never talk again. Or lots of times never see each other again. Why should I say anything. I end up overthinking like this until the chance is gone. I tend to keep to myself a lot.
(Personal issues I guess) ———————————— • I think I have social anxiety. I don’t like places with a lot of people so it makes approaching even harder because if I say something stupid other people will hear. Since middle school i’ve been conscious of my volume thinking other people might listen in on my conversations with others. It’s easier to talk to people one on one. It made it hard to be myself to the point I didn’t know how to be myself. I acted like other people. Adopting their mannerisms because I thought it would help me fit in. One time I got called out on it and I felt.. despair I guess. They didn’t directly say why I acted like that but they did point out that I acted like someone else specifically they said “you’re not (person’s name)”. I try not to act like others. I feel like I’m a boring person to others because I can be very quiet. I try and balance this by speaking confidently on the rare times I use my voice.
(Why I don’t think I can get a girlfriend or be a good boyfriend) ———————————— • Back tracking to the relationship thing. I also don’t know if i’m even worthy of having a girlfriend. As i’m writing this i’m trying to find the words to defend that sentence because I know everyone is worthy of love and I know that what I wrote is wrong but all I have is the reasons I feel like this. I’m already 18 and I don’t feel like i’ve matured enough to deserve a girlfriend. I’ve never had a job, I don’t have my license, and it’s embarrassing to admit but I live with my grandparents because they live 10 min away from campus. Maybe if I was really good looking or something none of that stuff would matter but i’m just average. Not fat, not muscular, just skinny and kind of short but I am pretty athletic actually but I have asthma (my body is a system of checks and balances). I’m taller than my dad who’s kind of my role-model so that gives me a confidence boost.
(Why i’m grateful for my family/not as relevant) ———————————— • I don’t see my dad a lot (only in the summers) but he’s an amazing father and I want to be just like him when have children someday. I can’t help crying right now. I’m very thankful to all of my caring family. Even if I can’t make friends I know every single one of them will always be there for me. I know not everyone is as lucky with the family they are born into and I cherish the connections I have with them. I’ve been told many times by them that they’d accept me for who I am no matter what. Just recently I had some awful news that was difficult to tell my mother but she didn’t get angry like I thought. She just said calmly that she’s glad I told her and then she comforted me about it. I’m so glad my dad taught me the importance of honesty and owning up to my mistakes quickly. I’m sorry if this is off topic but I just suddenly feel like I need to give them thanks. I will always be connected to my brothers and sisters as we grow older. When I lived with my mom over the school years I always had a best friend but when we drifted more and more apart I felt more alone. I couldn’t make that connection with anyone else again. We’re still friends but I can’t honestly call him my best friend. We were friends in elementary and middle school is when we drifted apart. Still close then but not as close as I thought especially because now we went to the same school(in elementary we didn’t). So i’m very grateful for being able to understand the experience of being an only child when I lived with my mother and the experience of having siblings when I was with my dad. It makes me grateful for my siblings because i know i’ll never be alone in the world. Not truly. My mom eventually gave me sisters when I was 12 and I love them to death.

Sorry for the long paragraph. I don't know which community is right. I am new here.
just to give you a bit of background, yes I changed it a little,
I would appreciate it if any of you take the time to read it. it took a lot to share my problems.
So, um when I was in class 8. We have a board exam that year. So I kinda started my year with a banger. I was studying more attentively. I was being more present in class. I was answering questions. I never answer unless the teacher picks me, which rarely happens. I am a good student. This makes me a bit arrogant, cuz if I got such decent results by not even properly studying, I don't need to stress. So yeah. My year was going super good. And boom covid fucking started. And even tho I was super studying. I am way too lazy too. Now that we were in lockdown. I completely abandoned my books. Forget studying. I was on my phone all day. Like actually all day. To give a bit more info. Class 8 has a board exam. Class 9,10 are studied with the same books, it's where we choose majors like science, commerce, and arts, I was a science student. 11,12 is college and we still have majors like science, commerce, and arts, still choose science. After that is uni. Class 8,9 went like this. Then in class 10. We finally went to school. Like I said classes 9, and 10 are the same book. Soo, I didn't touch my book for a year now I know nothing. That went like this. In the class sitting helpless cuz I know nothing. Then my sister told me about her tutor, so me and my friend went to him. He, we will call him C, introduced us to his friend, and we'll call him K who also became our tutor. Side note, I got comfortable with K, way more than C. K was kinda of my motivation, I wanted to make him proud, but I didn't, I failed. I haven't called him in a year. I am so sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you of all people. But I did.
I think since all I did during lockdown was be on my phone I am still kind of stuck at that age in some ways, mentally. I am almost 18. I was 13 when COVID started. Me and my mum were in some bad blood at that time, probably she asking me to study, but I not. Other than studying for my tutor's homework. I didn't touch my books enough. Suddenly it was exam time. It was a fucking board exam. It would decide my college. To be honest, even at that point I don't think I ever realized the importance, the gravity of the exam. I was prepared I'd say 60%. And yeah. when it was exam time, she became all affectionate. Bringing me milk, stay with me at night. You better believe I fucking hated that. I wanted to be alone. she didn't leave me alone. She was in my room. I hated her sooo much at that time. Just leave me alone na. So just to fucking spite her I didn't study until she was here. I would be on my phone and phone and she still wouldn't leave so I went to study at around 1 or 2 at night. In case you couldn't tell I was heavily dependent on my phone at that time just to well forget what's happening in my life. I kinda got addicted, maybe. So even if I was watching videos I was making plans about how I would study and all. In my head. I was preparing myself mentally. Guess who it took to crash all of this down. Yes, my one and only mum. While I was encouraging myself and all, my mum would come and be like you don't study, look at the maid's daughter doing much better than you ever will. My luck was this bad that I was your mum and all that shit. My maa always talks about how she didn't have to worry about me ever cuz I did everything myself. I don't understand what she thinks this will make me feel. Maybe I didn't want to do shit alone. Now that I truly want to be left alone, yall up my ass.
You think I will study now. Hell, nahh. So I didn't. Some day I went to my exam after barely reading the book at around 8. My exam starts at 10. Yeahhh. good times. It went like this all exam season. Of course, I didn't do well. I got a GPA of 4.52. Of course, I wasted all my free time for 6 months after the exam. I bed rotted the whole 6 months and more. I put on a lot of weight. Soo, I got very insecure. So when me and my friends went to the same tutor I also went there. But suddenly everything was new. I couldn't get past if I went like I was before. I went for a month maybe. I got behind them. I got so scared and insecure. All of them got into the government college there. Only I didn't. I got more insecure being there. I felt like I couldn't catch up even if I tried. So I did what I am best at. Run away. The college started with me bed rotting. I put on a lil more weight. I got even more insecure. It's been almost a year since then, I can count the times I went. Not more than a week. And the half-yearly exam, I failed it's my fault. I didn't study. Only time was passing by. I still am where I was a year ago. In my bed rotting. I haven't touched them, my textbooks, I mean it, they are still brand new. Now my final is in a month. I am still in my bed rotting. I just am soo insecure with my weight and study now. I can't bring myself to study. I feel like I already failed. More my mum started staying with me cuz it's hella hot. I felt like me studying would make her win. I would lose the battle I started. My brain is like unless someone tells me step-by-step detailed instructions on how to do life, I can't do shit. What do I do?? I am so lost mentally. I am just soo scared that I will be the one left behind. I mean I already am. My friends are not mine anymore. I am just one of many of theirs. I fear I would be left behind to rot. I know I am not some saint. I know what I am doing isn't what I of all people should be doing. But how do I win against my brain? It's like if I can't catch up with everyone in a day then it isn't worth trying. If I can't lose that weight, it isn't worth trying. What do I do?? I can't go to a gym. Can't jog or stuff. My mother becomes angsty if I starve. What do I do? Sometimes I just want to disappear for a while.
truth be told, I have no motivation. I don't have anyone, I am willing to work for, not even myself, parents, a better life, everything I dreamt of, future, nothing seems worthy. the only thing I can do is daydream. I understand I am not hardworking as much as I should be. I am quite privileged in life. but I don't know what to do. I am like a sponge, I am all my environment is. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself like this. I want to change. I like studying. I like knowing things. I just physically can't bring myself to do the necessary things. it feels like I already lost, I can never catch up. it's upon me to get into a good fucking university, even if I plan to go abroad for higher study.. see I have soo many dreams, yet I can't bring myself to work for them. it's like I am being physically stopped. I am just waiting for something to happen that will be the push I need, but I fear it will be too late then. it's my life I don't need a reason to change myself, especially when I know that this version is doing me more damage than good. I guess it seems from the fact that others know this version, and change is terrifying, especially when you are alone. I am always jealous of the people that have somebody to look up to. I have a lot to add. But I just need to do this it's been 2 days since I wrote it. Sorry if there are any typos. Thank you, if you took the time to read all that. -♡♡

I’ve been wearing pads all day every day. I absolutely cannot for the life of me do it otherwise. I wear boxers with a sock packer, and maybe female underwear to keep the pad better. My issue is two things: I am horrible with doing laundry due to motivation issues, neurodivergence, and currently school finals. And the second one being the discharge itself. It’s messy, it smells if it’s just in my underwear, it feels horrendous, gets me very dysphoric at times, and the sudden discharge from arousal.
I don’t think it’s healthy to be wearing pads so often but I have chronic cramps and I am not about to accidentally read or see something that gets me excessively wet and then deal with soaked underwear and warm down my thighs and have to deal with that the rest of the day, plus with the laundry issue I tend to wear pads to keep them clean and reduce how much laundry I do and another task that shouldn’t feel so daunting but it really really is and yes I know it’s really gross but I’m trying.
Advice would be appreciated 😓

Hiya, 18y/o transfem here. I'm almost done with high school, and I started HRT (150mg spiro, 4mg oral E tablets) in February. Apologies if the structure of this post is hard to read, I'm kinda thinking in bullet points right now lol
After this summer is over, I'll be in college. I will also likely have a job over the summer. I have no idea what to do about this.
I have been boymoding hard, and I'm only out to my friends at my school. Hell, I've known I'm trans for over 1.5 years and still don't have a name figured out.
I think it'd be really cool to be mostly transitioned before college, but I just don't know how to approach that, or how to approach having a job and socially transitioning during it.
I think I'll be able to pass decently, especially as my HRT progresses. But I don't know what to do about the social side. I don't know if I should wear makeup everyday, and to what extent, and I have very little experience with makeup.
I haven't been voice training, and I want to keep my (somewhat deep) voice pitch but have it be more feminine (I love deep feminine voices and want to have one) but I just haven't been working on it.
I haven't gotten any new clothes, and I've just been wearing my standard "boy clothes; "pants and my standard t-shirts plus light jackets/hoodies (I wore hoodies during winter but it's getting hotter now so I've been wearing a lightweight and thin black smartwool jacket, mainly to hide my growing breasts. I made a sports bra out of some boxer brief underwear I have but that's about it. I don't think I have the confidence to wear more feminine clothing at the moment, and I'm not sure I want to because I like to present somewhat androgynously/like a tomboy.
I haven't picked out a name, I've pulled my hair out over some names, and figured out some ones I might like, but I just cant decide on one that feels like it "clicks" if that makes sense. I've been attempting to come up with desert and weather related names because I like those aesthetics a lot.
I guess I'm just overwhelmed, naive, and thoroughly stuck in my comfort zone. How do I proceed? Does it make sense to wear makeup? How do I present myself? Do I wear different clothes? Maybe buy a bra (well, I guess I gotta do that eventually lol)? How do I start voice training but while keeping a deepish pitch (I tried getting into transvoicelessons' videos but i just got lost with information)? How do I figure out a name that I like? How do I approach work while transitioning? Is it even reasonable to go mostly stealth before college, and would I need makeup to wear everyday? I guess some of this depends on what I look like, but I don't currently feel comfortable with posting pictures of myself to strangers lol
(sidenote: I'll be dorming with my friends, so I'm not too worried about
TL;DR How do I proceed to transition socially before college, and is it even possible to do so? What do I do in regards to clothing, makeup, my name, and my voice?
Any advice is appreciated, or just reading this is fine :) It does feel nice to write down these feelings at the least, lol. Thanks for reading all of this

Hi everyone! I've only been hanging out here a couple of weeks, but I love the vibe. Just wanted your thoughts on something. This recent lore.fm drama just got me thinking.
I'm in my 20s right now, and I've been participating in fandom spaces since I was 12/13 years old. My first real experience with a community was on deviantart, in an anime fandom with a relatively young, female audience (think 13-17). It felt like it was easy to make 'friends' (only one has survived the test of time, but they were all fun while they lasted), and people were making fun, indulgent stuff and didn't seem to take themselves too seriously.
I've got a tumblr blog now, which is my main 'fandom stuff' avenue. And everyone seems so isolated from each other, even though interaction features are better than ever; or they're just sending each other asks that honestly seem performative. I get 100-150 likes on my posts, a handful of reblogs... and actual communication like once a month. So... someone's reading it but no one SAYS anything, in the replies, in their reblogs, wherever.
I love the comments I get on AO3, because they're very thoughtful, and seem genuinely so happy to read my work; but we all know the etiquette seems to be comment-> reply-> done.
And then I saw some of the screenshots that were shared re: the comments on lore.fm tiktoks, and it just felt so consumerist. Calling our work 'content', being annoyed that the authors wanted some say in how their work was shared, and all that. I know the tiktok audience skews young, but I just don't think I'd ever have said these things at 13 years old.
So... is this the online equivalent of becoming best friends in elementary school because you both have the same favourite colour vs struggling to move past small talk with acquaintances in adulthood; or has the way people interact online really changed?
It's just a little disappointing, because I used to love sharing the things I made, but it feels pointless to make that effort sometimes. Are there still places that are both conducive for writing AND have community features?