My friend invited me to a Tea at her church yesterday. I have obnoxious allergies! Anaphylaxis to all Phosphates (preservative, binding agents, flavor enhancer, used as a vitamin). Gluten allergy, shellfish and dairy.
So I played it safe and grabbed a plate full of fruits and veggies. Which I love! But I saw a delicious tray of colorful Macroons at the end. Which I was told were gluten free. I’ve had them at another event multiple times without any gluten issues. I know they have butter, but it’s not enough to cause anything more than a slight feeling in my stomach.
I had a headache increasing in intensity yesterday after the tea. I attributed it to exhaustion and worry. My 5 year old dog had had a cluster of seizures the morning before and so it was a rough day Friday. I also have a 4 month old service dog in training, that was confused why brother wasn’t himself. Not to mention how loud it was at the tea and my heightened anxiety (I left my SDiT at home).
I tried to sleep the headache off with a nap, but was unsuccessful. My sinuses went amuck, more so than the 3 small chocolates and the butter would cause, but I dismissed it. I started to itch a bit last night but thought nothing of it. When I woke up this morning itching the back of my arms, my back and my chest (with small bumps) that’s when I put it all together. The only thing it could have been was the Macroons. “But they’re gluten free right?”
I gave him his seizure meds, fed them both, took my morning meds and went back to bed. (His seizure meds are time sensitive). I always take an acid reducer which is an antihistamine blocker. When I woke up again, I was no longer itchy. I looked and found not bumps. So it had to be an allergy reaction.
So I guess this long ramble leads to a question. Are Macroons always gluten free? I’m not sure if these were homemade or store bought. I did eat a few different flavors. Thank you for both listening and for any input.

I’d say I’m going through moderate adult acne. I get it, everyone has acne at some point in their life. I’m in my mid twenties and it legitimately has me spiraling into very very dark head spaces. Stretch marks and scars and bumps and zits and uneven surfaces… it legitimately makes me want to peel off my skin. I want to hide away from everyone. I felt so embarrassed when I asked a trans friend for tips to cope, and he said he couldn’t help much because he doesn’t experience that. Is it not even trans specific? Am I more prone to it, being an enby? I can’t describe how hellish it makes me feel and the pit in my stomach. It makes me want to do stuff that’d require a trigger warning, if you catch my drift.
I’m desperately trying to set up an appointment with my doctor. No idea if she can even help, but I need to talk to her about potentially getting HRT anyway. But then HRT would cause MORE acne. I feel like I’m in a pit and can’t get out. Gender euphoria is less and less common nowadays. I don’t even feel like putting on pretty outfits and eye makeup like before.
Idk what to do anymore. I’m going insane.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and long, there's a TL;DR at the end. I just had my LEEP on Thursday and wanted to share my experience. Hopefully this soothes a fellow over-thinker.
Background: 30 yr old female, 130 lbs, 5'2". No moderate, severe or chronic health conditions.
I was diagnosed with high-risk (HR) HPV with LSIL/abnormal cells in February of this year. Not 16/18, but another HR strain. I got at least one shot of the HPV vaccine before I turned 26 so I was really shocked at this. I had a complete emotional breakdown because of the connection to HPV and cervical cancer, plus I just felt....dirty. I've gone through my sexually active years without getting as much as a yeast infection, and now I had just been hit with an STI, and the one that causes cancer. I went into a pretty deep depression and honestly I'm still in that depression zone but not nearly as much. I did a ton of research and my findings told me that even if it was cancer, it's one of the most curable ones especially given my age, health, etc.
My primary doctor referred me to a gyno's office connected to the hospital I go to, and I scheduled an appointment for March 1st. Gyno (who was actually not an OBGYN but an APRN/midwife?) basically did a slightly more advanced exam/questionnaire then I got another referral to an actual OBGYN for a colposcopy and scheduled it for April 1st. I thought I would have the colpo/biopsy with the APRN during my March appointment but I guess that's just a "yeah your primary is right you need a colpo" step. Idk, very confusing.
April 1st comes, the doctor that was available for that date (I wanted to get this done asap) had some less than favorable reviews on the internet so that made me a little uneasy. Between each appointment I was spending hours researching, redditing, googling, youtubing etc. so I wouldn't go into this completely ignorant and hopefully minimize the chance of any BS being pulled.
My doctor was, to my surprise, very chill, professional and knowledgeable. Took time to answer all my questions, we even had some laughs. Please ladies, find a doctor that makes you feel comfortable if you can. No question is a silly question and no doctor or nurse should make you feel like you're stupid for raising concerns or asking a lot of questions. If you feel something is off or a doc is being an a-hole, that's your sign to GTFO and find another doctor. Pleasant staff make this experience so much better.
The colpo: wasn't that bad. They crack you open like a pistachio with a speculum (like they would use for pap smear) and take a look at your cervix with this scope. A vinegar solution is applied to highlight the abnormal cells. My doc's colpo machine did have a screen that could show me what he was seeing, although it wasn't working and honestly I'm glad. I think seeing what was going on inside of me would make me worry more. So I just had to take my doctor's word for it when he said the area of abnormal cells was small.
I had a punch biopsy done during my colpo and oh man. It hurt. I wasn't instructed to take ibuprofen beforehand. I'm not sure if they didn't think I would need a biopsy or what but holy crap. 2 samples were taken, at 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock on my cervix, and I received a curettage as well. The curettage didn't hurt or was minor in comparison to the biopsy. After the biopsy, a "liquid bandage" was applied, this bandage is called Monsel's solution I believe. It's a mustard yellow paste.
The biopsy caused immediate moderate cramping and pain. The "6 o'clock" one, which was a larger sample, made me flinch and let out a little yelp. 6 o'clock hurt a lot. I will say that my doctor talked about what he was going to do before doing or as he was doing it so it's not like I was taken entirely by surprise. However, you don't realize how sensitive your cervix is until a chunk is taken from it.
After the biopsy, I felt this dull pain, nausea and cramping and apparently had excessive bleeding. Dribbles of blood were present on the procedure chair and floor, some of which had been cleaned up by the nurse/assistant prior to me sitting up so who knows how much was there. Doc confirmed this excessive bleeding in my after visit summary, but it wasn't so much so that it warranted some kind of emergency. I experienced some spotting for about 2 to 3 days after. I expected more blood in my pads but that never happened. I think seeing all this blood, knowing where it came from and why it was there made me even more nauseous.
The nausea and...weakness after the biopsy really had me messed up. I could barely focus as my doctor went into detail about what to possibly expect afterwards, what he saw (he even drew a little picture of my cervix), answered any questions I had. We said our goodbyes, I got dressed and made a mad dash to the waiting area's water cooler. I figured some cool water would calm my nerves and my stomach. I stupidly walked home after the procedure (I live in Chicago, very close to my doc's office). Nothing terrible happened but in hindsight, what if I passed out in the office, in the street? If you can ladies, have someone with you to get you home safely and for support. Or, at the very least, take an uber after.
After getting home I checked my pad, everything was good although I did have some "coffee grounds" in my pad from the Monsel's solution. The doc warned me about this and to expect it for a few days. I crashed on my couch for a little nap before going to a concert later that evening because I don't know how to take a day off.
The next month following my biopsy was largely uneventful, I did have intercourse about 2.5 weeks post-biopsy with no issues or pain, although the thought of infection and the whole process made it hard to enjoy sex (I healed up just fine so this was more unnecessary worrying). I didn't experience any pain, fever, or excessive bleeding, only some mild discomfort/cramping/lethargy (likely due to mentally stressing myself out) on day 2. I did however, experience one moment that freaked me out:
Day 3 post-biopsy: I got home from after work (my job requires me to be on my feet most of the day) and felt something in my vagina. It felt like a freshly inserted, regular sized tampon. I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and reached down to feel something coming out of me. Something was crowning and breaching my labial gates. I reached back down and slowly pulled out whatever object was in me. It felt like a horror movie. I knew I had inserted nothing.
Based on the feeling of said object, I thought my cervix was falling out of my body. I started panicking a bit. Panicking intensified after pulling out this...sac.
It looked alien. It was this membrane sac, about the size of a pitted date when rolled up. Within the sac contained those "coffee grounds." I knew it was the Monsel's solution and likely I had shed the liquid bandage. That logical thought didn't stop me from freaking out and gently wrapping my alien sac Starbucks trash baby in a piece of toilet paper and further sealing this HPV caused abomination into a Ziploc bag. My plan was to run to the ER and show them the freak I had given birth to.
Problem is, I had just lost my is insurance and was in process of getting a new plan, so a costly trip to the ER, waiting for hours for them to likely tell me I'm a panicky idiot wasn't really in the cards. So what does any overly anxious patient do? Turn to Dr. Google of course! I found a couple of reddit posts from women who had experienced the same thing but there wasn't much information on what had just slithered out of me. I found one of those "pay $5 for any kind of advice: legal, medical etc! Chat with an expert today!" sites that seemed legit enough. I got in chat with a doc quickly after some AI pre-chat prompts and he confirmed my suspicions: it was the Monsel's solution that I had expelled from my body. I was told this wasn't unusual and so long as I don't have an excessive bleeding, fever, pain, blah blah, I should be fine.
And I was fine. If you experience this and don't have any accompanying complications, you should be fine too. It is weird when it happens though.
My results came back about 2 weeks later. What was initially thought to be LSIL turned out to be HSIL/CIN-III, and my OBGYN told me I needed a LEEP sooner than later. My appointment was scheduled for next month and I still didn't have insurance. These month long waits between appointments were anxiety ridden depression fests, fueled by junk food and further exacerbated by internet research. The LEEP posts on Reddit had me so concerned, I reached out to my doctor to see if I could be put under general anesthesia for my LEEP, instead of receiving local anesthesia. Women on here described LEEPs as painful and traumatic. Just awful stuff. If you're reading this you've likely read those too. They described leg shaking after the shots, crying, etc. My doctor left me a detailed voice message and responded to my concerns with: "most women tolerate it well but if you're uncomfortable we'll send you to the hospital and put you under monitored sedation/anesthesia." I was still worried but was willing to see how I felt after local anesthesia. I was pleased he was open to working with me and my comfort level.
Fast forward to Wednesday last week:
The night before my LEEP, I got maybe an hour of sleep. I couldn't turn my mind off. My heart started racing an hour before my procedure and I had weird heart palpitations/irregular heart beat. I showered to calm myself down and be clean for my appointment, took 600 mg of ibuprofen as instructed, then headed out. Got a little snack from Starbucks (croissant for before since I was walking to my doc and some madeleines for after to help offset some potential nausea). For my LEEP I wore a big comfy sweater, some "period" leggings (leggings that aren't too tight and I don't care if they get blood on them) and brought a pad with me just in case. They should provide one for you but I'd rather be prepared. Got to the office, checked in, did the pregnancy urine test, got called in quickly, went through the whole height/weight/med history routine. About 5 mins later I sat down in my OBGYN's office. He described the lab findings (CIN-III), detailed the procedure, the tools and supplies they would use, aftercare and answered any questions I had. He then led me into a procedure room (pretty sure it was the same one I had my bloody biopsy in). I got undressed from the waist down like a pap, sat in the procedure chair, draped a little paper blanket over my bare bits and waited. The doctor came in with his nurse and went to work.
They again cracked me open with a speculum, this time it was rubberized on some parts. This is so your vagina doesn't get fried from the electrical current, otherwise your pubes and vulva will look like Marv in Home Alone. They also slapped a little rubber pad on my thigh to "ground" me like I'm some kind heavy duty machinery. Colpo machine comes forward so the doc can zoom in on your cervix. He applied 2 types of solution if I recall correctly: the normal vinegar solution to highlight abnormal cells and an iodine solution to highlight normal cells. Someone can correct me if that's wrong. The solutions and their uses were the least of my concerns.
He then went in with 4 lidocaine injections to numb the area, total of about 1 ml of lido I think. He used a very small needle and upon insertion, it felt like a little pinch. Now, for those afraid of needles, it is a long ish needle but the actual poke is minimal. Although some women report that the inject was the worst part. That was not the case here but the visual can be a bit alarming. After the first injection, I didn't feel the other 3. I felt comfortable going forward with the procedure, and my doc kept checking in with me to make sure I was ok. I did feel an increase in my heart rate post-lidocaine, but it wasn't concerning. I wasn't sure if this was from the "holy shit he's about to start zapping" or as a side effect of the lidocaine. Regardless, my heart rate came back down to a reasonable level given the circumstances in a few minutes. I was actually so comfortable at this point, I managed to relax my asscheeks after they were clamped together like a vise grip from the moment my derriere hit the chair.
I'm not really sure what happened after the injections, I knew he was using the LEEP machine but I don't know how long that lasted and when the wound was being created vs. cauterized as I didn't feel anything except some mild cramping/discomfort. I didn't flinch like I did with the biopsy. When the doc was finished, he applied a little bit of Monsel's, described how much he removed, went over aftercare again, we said our thank yous and goodbyes. I got dressed and went on my way, snacking on my madeleines on my way home (I walked again lol). I felt well post-procedure and even stopped at Target to do some shopping and smell some summer collection candles. I did feel myself bleeding but when I got home and checked the pad, there was a minimal amount of blood. Some women here have reported a distinct burning smell during their LEEP, I didn't smell anything but I also have sinus issues soooo maybe I just didn't pick up on it? My appointment was at 9 a.m. and I was out by 9:32.
When I got home I had some orange juice, water then slept for about 8 to 9 hours. I did have little cry sessions here and there after my procedure. But I was also sleep deprived and know I tend to get emotional. Regardless, take some time off after a LEEP, stay home around your own germs if possible. Get some of your favorite snacks, a face mask and a Nintendo switch or something. This is a good time for some self-care and rest, girlies.
Friday, day after LEEP: no bleeding, minor cramping/discomfort.
Saturday: Usual morning pee met with some blood in the toilet paper. Nothing in my pad though. Throughout the day I slept on and off, I've been more tired than usual. My body and mind has gone through some shit so I'm not mad at myself for being sleepy. I did experience some heavier bleeding throughout the day that was mostly dark colored. The blood level was about the same if not less than what I'd experience with a period. No unusual smell. I did shed the liquid bandage. Did have some mild cramping at certain points during the day but not debilitating or worth taking ibuprofen over.
Sunday: Energy levels finally back up to something normal, don't feel as tired. Still bleeding dark red blood/brown discharge but it's minor. Ran some errands today, I figured gravity would cause me to bleed more but it's about the same as yesterday if not less.
If there's interest, I'll check in at maybe the 2 week and 4 week mark, or whenever I remember since this is my throwaway account.
Overall the LEEP was way better than the biopsy in my experience. Reddit had me freaking out. I know I'm lucky, and this post isn't to dismiss any terrible or painful experience other women have had. I want to share my 'positive' experience, since most of my mental state surrounding my diagnosis, fears, the upgrade from LSIL to HSIL, has been negative.
Oh and I did get insurance literally a week before my LEEP, thank God.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them below!
TL;DR: -Colpo: easy -Biopsy: sucks. Most pain I've ever felt and felt nauseous/uneasy after. Ask your doctor if you can take ibuprofen prior to a biopsy. Monsel's solution/liquid bandaid came out in sac-like alien baby about 36 to 48 hours later. Was able to have intercourse 2-2.5 weeks post-biopsy. No insertion of anything for about 3 days after. -LEEP: easy-ish? 600 mg ibuprofen 1 hour before procedure. Anxiety inducing but once I was numbed with local anesthesia, I felt nothing except some mild cramping. The injection didn't hurt and caused no serious side effects. No smell. No excessive bleeding. Felt fine post-LEEP but did experience some bleeding. It's been less than a week so I'll update if anything spooky happens, if no updates then expect everything went fine. No intercourse/tampons/etc for 3 to 6 weeks.
Tips: -Prioritize self care throughout this experience especially. It'll help you stay calm and heal. -Dress comfy for procedures -Take some snacks and water to your appointments for post-procedure ick -Do your research. Knowledge is power even if it makes you uncomfortable. Youtube was a great resource for me, I like to see what's going to happen before it does. Just try not to get worked up like I did. -Ask questions. If a doctor makes you feel stupid, see another doctor if possible. -Have someone with you for support and to make sure you get home ok -If you experience fever, intense pain, soaking through pads, or notice any weird smell: GO TO A DOCTOR

I would rather be fat than pregnant FYI, neither are also "bad things", except, well pregnancy to me is.
Do you think it's possible to be pregnant and test negative all pee tests and bloodwork too?
I know t cannot affect the hcg production which is what pee and blood tests look like.
I think I'm just getting chunky but it is really centralized in my abdomen. It really feels like fat I think but it's hard to tell. Not many other areas are gaining fat yet but maybe it starts in my stomach. My chest isn't getting chunky due to liposuction during top surgery.
Here are some factors: - I'm on steroids all my life and accidentally have been maybe taking an extra dose or two as I've been forgetful. Holding onto more fat bc overmedicated? - I'm getting older. Fat rests in tummy more. - I've always had gi issues so can't tell if it is related to that - I've had protected vaginal sex with one man and unprotected anal sex with him as well so I am worried that sperm would be on his mouth or fingers and possibly enter me (and condoms are not 100 percent effective) - I've been on t ten years - my mom and twin sister both had major fertility issues (so maybe I'm not likely to be very pregnant)? - I notice fatigue but I'm always fatigued - no spotting, blood, no unusal nausea during the day, maybe slight loss of appetite but I think it's anxiety related - snowboarding season ended so less active - I'm tired but pretty positive I'm always tired - I smoke lots of weed
Any thoughts? I read a study that marijuana may raise hcg levels to cause the hook effect where so much hcg levels exist and then create a false negative for urine and blood.
But how likely is this really? I used to have unprotected vaginal sex with him many many years back and never worried about pregnancy (stupid me lol). So I'm probably just getting chunky and not pregnant. I just think I'd die if I was pregnant (though thankfully I am in a state that protects abortions).
Apologies for the word vomit, I am literally just so anxious about it and soonest I can see my primary doc is 10 days from now.
Just thoughts with any trans men or even women being pregnant or not getting positive tests but still feeling pregnant?

I (27F) have been having a difficult time going to family gatherings that are not hosted at my house. I always seem to get symptoms of food poisoning the day of and day after the event.
For example, I went to Easter at a relative’s house and soon after leaving the event started vomiting everything I ate that day.
Another example is went to another family members house for Christmas and was sick with stomach flu like symptoms for a week afterwards.
Recently, I just went to another family event hosted this weekend and started getting sick the day of and have been unable to leave the house.
At this point, holidays have become stressful for me. I don’t believe my family is making me sick on purpose but I may have developed an allergy of some type and I haven’t been able to pinpoint it. It isn’t fair to restrict what others plan to cook if I can’t figure out the root cause of making me sick.
So, AITA if I start refusing to eat meals made at family gatherings?

I've been dealing with severe irritant/allergic contact dermatitis to linalool and rubber for the past 2 years. Something odd about my dermatitis is that it is non-localized, meaning if I touch rubber or scented soap with my hands, my flair-up is ALWAYS on my lips and surrounding skin. I was unaware of the cause of my dermatitis for about 1 1/4 years though, until I got more extensive patch testing and confirmed my allergens. I was able to cut out all products containing linalool and found ways to avoid rubber (I'm allergic to a rubber accelerator so not all rubber poses as an allergen, but it's difficult because not all companies list the rubber accelerator in their MSDS or ingredients lists because accelerators are so frequently used).
Anyways, recently, I came in contact with linalool (from "Fragrance" in Aquaphor which I didn't know contained fragrance, as well as perfume). After being free from flair-ups for more than 6 months, and my skin being at the healthiest and strongest it's been in over 2 years, it all went away in a week. It started as some irritation and cracking in one corner of my lips and slowly spread to the entirety of the skin surrounding my lips. It's not NEARLY as bad as my flair-ups from when I was constantly exposed to my allergens, and I haven't been in contact with any of my allergens since the event in which I was, which was approximately 3-4 weeks ago. However, the symptoms did not begin to appear for about a week after my exposure.
My symptoms include:

• Red, itchy skin
• Mild swelling
• Burning sensation
• Skin peeling/constant exfoliation
• Raw skin/cracking
• Clearish-yellow fluid weeping and crusting over (BIGGEST CONCERN)

As I highlighted, my biggest concern is the weeping and crusting over. Its uncomfortable, makes me self-conscious, and also makes me think its a staph infection (which my derm also thought initially until antibiotics posed no change). Currently, I have been using tacrolimus 0.1% ointment to reduce the redness, swelling, pain, and weeping, which also leads to my skin healing slowly. Although, I do not like having to rely on tacrolimus because when I stop using it or after several hours of applying it, my skin goes back to the way it was before. I've also been taking benadryl to help me manage the pain and itching but don't want to keep using it everyday.
I guess what I'm looking for is some tips on how to manage/treat my allergic and irritant contact dermatitis without the use of any over extensive products or medications.

I was having such a good week mon-Friday, consistent bowel movements, no more trapped wind (have had it for 2 months straight prior to this), had much more of an appetite thsn I have in months, actually was wanting and enjoying food. Then wanted to make sure even though I wasn’t hungry and was working on Friday night not to miss dinner so bought a sandwich, saw it had onion in the description but assumed it would be fine (it never has been). Ate it, thought it was fine, then started tasting really strong onion, before I knew it my stomach had tripled in size, no wind was able to come out, I felt that horrible rock feeling in my right side that I had been dealing with for months, I felt sick and nauseous and completely lost my appetite. I had ruined the streak and initiated a flare up because of my own stupidity…
Since then I’ve felt so upset and angry with myself I’ve taken it out on food, making things so much worse. For me when I’m flaring the best thing to do is just not eat, give my stomach time to play catch up as it sluggishly tried to digest a single bit of bread. But have messed up countlessly by forcing myself to eat thinking it’s the ‘right thing to do’ when deep down I know I’m only doing it out of comfort. Wanted and needed to skip dinner tonight, instead made a massive salad (I literally NEVER eat salads so dk why or where this came from) full of kale, lettuce, cucumber, walnuts, goats cheese, roasted root veggies etc. I am so stupid.
Idk what to do, I want to fast and give my stomach a break from food but keep messing up and giving it worse things. I’m mostly just so angry at myself for ruining this streak for no good reason, I would’ve been better to just have missed dinner and caused some bloating rather than eating a sandwich with a trigger food in it and initiate a flare up and not get back to that good streak for god knows how long (last time it took 1.5months for a good couple of days after constant wind and lack of appetite)
I guess I’m looking for advice on a what to do now, what to eat, what to avoid, how to lessen the damage and how to never be stupid to do this again? Just feeling super deflated that I ruined what had been a massive step forward in terms of digestion and now I’m sitting on the toilet with my stomach convulsing in all kinds of ways…

I was having such a good week mon-Friday, consistent bowel movements, no more trapped wind (have had it for 2 months straight prior to this), had much more of an appetite thsn I have in months, actually was wanting and enjoying food. Then wanted to make sure even though I wasn’t hungry and was working on Friday night not to miss dinner so bought a sandwich, saw it had onion in the description but assumed it would be fine (it never has been). Ate it, thought it was fine, then started tasting really strong onion, before I knew it my stomach had tripled in size, no wind was able to come out, I felt that horrible rock feeling in my right side that I had been dealing with for months, I felt sick and nauseous and completely lost my appetite. I had ruined the streak and initiated a flare up because of my own stupidity…
Since then I’ve felt so upset and angry with myself I’ve taken it out on food, making things so much worse. For me when I’m flaring the best thing to do is just not eat, give my stomach time to play catch up as it sluggishly tried to digest a single bit of bread. But have messed up countlessly by forcing myself to eat thinking it’s the ‘right thing to do’ when deep down I know I’m only doing it out of comfort. Wanted and needed to skip dinner tonight, instead made a massive salad (I literally NEVER eat salads so dk why or where this came from) full of kale, lettuce, cucumber, walnuts, goats cheese, roasted root veggies etc. I am so stupid.
Idk what to do, I want to fast and give my stomach a break from food but keep messing up and giving it worse things. I’m mostly just so angry at myself for ruining this streak for no good reason, I would’ve been better to just have missed dinner and caused some bloating rather than eating a sandwich with a trigger food in it and initiate a flare up and not get back to that good streak for god knows how long (last time it took 1.5months for a good couple of days after constant wind and lack of appetite)
I guess I’m looking for advice on a what to do now, what to eat, what to avoid, how to lessen the damage and how to never be stupid to do this again? Just feeling super deflated that I ruined what had been a massive step forward in terms of digestion and now I’m sitting on the toilet with my stomach convulsing in all kinds of ways…

Short version: This question is more towards men than women, as I seek the answer to a question: would you still love someone after nearly two decades? And what would you do if your ex from decades ago express her still ongoing feelings towards you?
*************************************************************************************************************
Long Version:
I (F40) and my ex (M40),we had some most passionate and deep love story in our early 20s.. We were together for 3 and half years, living, travelling together as well as moving countries and being in distance.. We would be most comfortable with each other and happy, popping each day with energy as fireworks! Indeed, it was hot but also very intense, very not well communicating time for both of us. We were young and with past childhood traumas.. He was INTJ and avoidant, I am INFP and anxious person..
The break up came from my part. After arguments on and off, I was feeling like he couldn't understand my emotions and I couldn't understand his logical mind. I cheated, he was broken. Yes, I still see his eyes and face breaking in pain that I caused.. I also didn't understand why I would have done such a thing, I felt shame, still feel it.. And yet, he still wanted me back, after all.. But, so ashamed of myself, and arguments, I was too scared to move to his country.. I was too guilty and ashamed but never really stopped loving him.
Life went on and every now and then we would reconnect online. As friends. Meanwhile, I would start family, on his side- he progressed with his work and passions.. And every time I would write to him, send him picture etc, he would "love" it. When my first one was born and they rolled me to emergency c section, i was worrying, if i die, who will inform that man that I'm no longer here? I would still cry, missing him terribly, while caring for my children.While exchanging few messages, he would jokingly invite me to his country to visit which made butterflies to my stomach. All of this was happening and at some point I realized i was still emotionally attached to him and it was unfair to my current life and children..and that I need to stop writing as I had still feelings towards him. And so, he stopped . That was 5 years after breaking up.
From that moment, our communication only happened for birthdays, I would send him wishes.. And each year passing, my feelings never really subsided. Meanwhile my marriage falls apart (for other reasons, from the beginning we were great friends and not really partners) and my ex husband and I, we remained great friends, doing really fine co-parenting.
I know my ex had a girlfriend in meantime, that he eventually broke up-information that he shared with me. Recently, as now divorced, I happened to travel across Europe and accidently transited (on train that stopped there ) via place we used to live together and ..I sent him pic of that train station that we both remember so well, which he "loved " again. That placed triggered me , I saw our past again.. and how actually happy we were and how I and my actions, have let that go..
This year 16 years passed. Yes, this is ..as ridiculous as it gets.
We wrote in the past to each other about forgiving ourselves and appreciating that time.. but I never once said that I still love him and I always loved him. I never stopped loving him. And I don't want him to get scared that I'm to be an obsessive person now who with no shame comes into someone life again.. But I really wish I could open up and let him know about my feelings.. Hoping, that perhaps he has similar feelings still too..
Perhaps I am writing all this vent here to ask : what would you do, lovely strangers?
Do love can exist after 16 years? Do men actually still care after such a long time? Should I tell him all of this..
I am too old for walking ashamed after my actions in the past.. But I also know I want to be honest with myself and wont accept being with anyone else.. That's something that life brings once we get wiser and mature.

This is a case for a 78-year-old female. The issue arose when her hernia mesh deteriorated with time and caused an infection. So her surgery was put on hold because of her rising vitals and infection. And got admitted to a hospital. They found out she was dehydrated and had high blood pressure. Also, she already has thyroid ( hypothyroidism) and colon issues which she is on medication. Doctors believe that might be the main cause of the issue at hand now which is cirrhosis. At first, they found out that she had fluid in her stomach which she was diagnosed with ascites and then fatty liver. Now to cirrhosis in a matter of days. So what I am asking now is to understand the results and reports until her next appointment with a doctor. What kind of meals and lifestyle changes would she need to make now? I have written down the results someone can explain it, please?
P. S sorry about the grammar. English is not my first language. Also not from the USA
The results are for urine
Test
Physical Examination
Volume Fresh sample
Aspect Slightly Turbid
Colour Yellow
Sp. Gr. Q.N.S
Chemical Examination
Albumin Trace
Bilirubin Nil
Blood Nil
Urobilinogen Normal trace
Nitrite Nil
Glucose Nil
Acetone Nil
PH Acidic
Microscopic Examination
Mucus Nil
Pus Cells 12-14
R.B.Cs 4-6
Crystals Nil
Amorphous Nil
Epith. Cells +
Ova Nil
Casts Hyaline cast
Hormones Report
Test Result Unit
TSH 1.04 ulU/ml
Free T3 1.32 pg/ml
Free T4 1.07 ng/di
Test Result
HAIC (Glycosylated Hb.) 8.1
Serum Albumin: 2.8 g/di
Creatinine (urine) 35.0 mg/di
Albumin in Urine 17.7 mg/l
Albumin / Creatinine Ratio. 50.6 ug Alb /
ABDOMEN & PELVIS ULTRASOUND
Status: * Liver: small in size with course echopatter, irregular border. No focal lesions. N biliary dilatation or hepatic venous congestion. * PV is not dilated. * Spleen: Average size. No focal lesions. * GB: Average capacity, Normal wall thickness, No stones or polyps. * CBD: not dilated. No stones. * Pancreas & para aortic region: sonographically free. * Right Kidney: normal site, size, and increased echogenicity. Reduced parenchymal thickness. No back pressure changes. No stones. It shows multiple simple renal cysts largest is about 5x6 cm * Left Kidney: normal site, size, and increased echogenicity. Reduced parenchymal thickness. No back pressure changes. No stones. * UB: empty. • No sizable adnexal masses of cysts. * Moderate ascites. CONCLUSION - Cirrhotic liver. - Bilateral grade III-IV nephropathy with right simple cysts. - Moderate ascites

I havent been to a doctor i just got an antihistamine. Sorry im new but is itchy eyes and very runny/blocked nose symptom of allergy? And sneezing a lot? What causes sudden allergies?? Im 26 and never had other than watery eyes. So why now? I feel awful. Also my nose is kinda dry? I get some blood as well mixed to the mucus sometimes (usually mornings)

Hi all,
This morning I went to my local ER and was order by the Dr. to get a CT scan of my abdomen. To give further context I’ve been having on and off again stomach pain with changes in bowel movements and so the doctor recommended to do a CT scan( I believe there were 3 images done with and without contrast ). I didn’t want to but went through with it and regret it. (Although I am thankful the results were good and what I am experiencing is more than likely a side effect of the medication I’m taking) This week I will be getting a biopsy on my thyroid for a nodule growth and I’m terrified of developing cancer in my body down the road. If my body is unable to stop cells from becoming a nodule what if my body isn’t good at killing dividing or mutating cells ? I read that CT scans cause damage to cell DNA and can cause cancer. I am really young (25 Male) and am afraid of developing cancer in my life because of it. I understand there are things we do and come in to contact with daily that can cause cancer (Foods, Soda, Chemicals) but read somewhere a CT scan on your abdomen is the equivalent of radiation of 100 flights all at once and this is literally causing me to shake out of fear. I lost my grandmother and a close family friend 5 years ago both due to cancer. And watching how it destroyed their bodies have truly traumatized me. I lost my grandmother on my mom side to cancer and both grandparents on my dad side passed from cancer. I already haven’t been able to sleep well or eat for the past week from stressing about this upcoming biopsy. Am I overreacting ? Can a CT scan with and without contrast cause a thyroid nodule to become cancer ? What are the increased risk of developing cancer from CT Scan ? I had a X-ray done 2 weeks ago at the dentist as well. So the X-ray from 2 weeks ago, CT Scan this morning, and in October doing an international flight from (Philadelphia - Cancun) so even more radiation. Is that too much radiation within a year ? I’m literally shaking at the idea of cancer and just want help putting things in perspective.

Been doing Carnivore for 5 weeks now and have had much more energy after the initial transition. I started carnivore as I have asthma, nail fungus, crohn's, iron deficiency, and depression. I did notice when eating a standard american diet some meals (Chipotle was a big offender) would make me feel extremely sad after. Within 30 minutes of eating I would feel abysmal, stomach discomfort, and the need to retreat to my room and lay down for at least an hour.
Carnivore fixed all of that, I've been exercising more because I've actually had the energy, my asthma has improved, and one of the biggest benefits was no more mood instability after certain meals. I did have my first cheat day yesterday and had some pizza with garlic honey, and I felt terrible within 30 minutes. It was like "oh wait I remember this feeling" as I had sort of forgotten about it. I felt really sad and anxious shortly after eating, and needed to lay down for about 90 minutes to recooperate. I had forgotten how common this feeling was and how it would happen nearly every day, but never since starting carnivore.
I was wondering if anyone had any insight on what could cause that type of a feeling after eating pizza (I don't think it's a psychological thing), I was thinking maybe reactive hypoglycemia makes a lot of sense. Anyways I'm straight back to the diet and more motivated than before to stick it out. Will one carbohydrate/honey meal mess up fat adaption too bad? How long will it take to get back into ketosis?

First Previous Next
Patreon Official Subreddit Series Wiki Royal Road
The Grand Dining Hall. Local time: 1210
Emma
The dining hall was, for all intents and purposes, the den of gossip.
[Grand Dining Hall. Add: Alternative Designator - DEN OF GOSSIP]
This was proven true by the incessant and rampant whispers, most of which were eventually hidden under privacy screens.But some of which were allowed to permeate through the air like a foul and sickening stench.
“What’s he trying to prove?”
“Usurpers. Tepid-blood minor nobles thinking themselves bigshots in their ill-gotten castles. This is all they know — power through brute strength.”
“Do you think this could be some sort of a roundabout statement for the House Choosing Ceremony?”
“Could be, or maybe the newrealmer is rubbing off on him. I heard those savages live in hunting-packs that deal exclusively in violence.”
“Poor Lord Ping… the man’s been dealt so many blows both to his ego and integrity. He truly is the victim in this upstart’s rebellion.”
“Let us hope the pious Ping prevails over his undeserving trials and tribulations. The man’s a saint, a pious soul that must hold fast for those of us adherent to the eternal truths.”
“Or perhaps we should wait and see how things develop. I, for one, wish to side neither with the narrow-minded bull nor the aggressive upstarts.”
“Lord Qiv may prove to be the more suitable candidate for class sovereign… but only time will tell.”
“Never in my wildest of imaginations would I have ever considered that the one to threaten our position, our place, our image, and our very survival in this sky of feral drakes to be you — Prince Thalmin.” Ilunor managed out incredulously, breaking me out of my long-range acoustic reverie. Though unlike his prior confrontations with myself, his current voice lacked the same intense vitriol. Instead, that was replaced with what I could only describe as a genuine sense of disappointment, as if confronting a friend who knew better than to commit to a dumb decision.
“That’s an understandable statement to make, Ilunor.” Thalmin replied uncharacteristically calmly, as if he hadn’t even registered the Vunerian’s assaults. Or at least, that seemed to be the case, until he shot the deluxe Kobold a predatory side-eye. “Because creatures that lack honor, integrity, and personal dignity, often conflate sacrifices and risk-taking, for foolishness and idiocy. For within the heart of a Nexian, lies only compromise for the sake of convenience. Whether that be the convenience of survival, the convenience of continuity, or the convenience of the status quo, you will sacrifice everything to maintain it — even if it means allowing your honor to remain sullied and trodden when there exists a pool to cleanse away that shame.”
Thacea’s eyes grew wary with concern at that statement, one of the few instances I’d seen her genuinely worried about an Ilunor-Thalmin interaction. In fact, even I didn’t dare to interrupt, especially after both parties had shot death-glares towards our elven waiter as he arrived with the lunch platter.
“Restraint, Prince Thalmin.” Ilunor responded with a deep and calculating breath. “This isn’t the adjacent realms, this isn’t Havenbrockrealm.”
“Oh that much is very clear to me, Ilunor.” Thalmin interjected with something just short of a growl. “In Havenbrockrealm, we would sooner slash, stab, flay, or lash our enemies in fair and open combat, than reduce ourselves to cowardly attempts at assassination or retreat with our tails between our legs at the earliest signs of defeat.”
Ilunor took another breath, placing a small hand atop of his snout. “I… empathize with your desires to follow through with what you believe is a morally sound decision.” The Vunerian responded in a surprising display of maturity. “However, and this goes for you as well, newrealmer—” He paused for a moment, taking the time to glare at me before shifting back to Thalmin. “—we are not acting as independent actors anymore. For better or for worse… which, mind you, I still strongly believe this is very much for the worse in my case… we are now a peer group. And as such, the actions we take and their resultant fallout, should represent the interests of us all.”
“These are bold claims.” Thalmin began with a restrained snarl. “Even bolder when considering your actions the week prior. If the measure of a man were dictated by his words alone, then I would be inclined to acquiesce. However, considering the measure of a man extends beyond the weightless chatter of an exhaled breath, I feel far more inclined to reserve such actions for those far more deserving of my respect.” At which point, the lupinor turned towards both Thacea and I, following that up with a dip of his head. “I apologize, Thacea, Emma, for conducting myself in the way I did.”
Thalmin took a moment to pause, side eyeing Ilunor as he acknowledged him once again. “Whilst his character may sully his words, there is some truth to them. I have, admittedly, overstepped my bounds in committing to an action which undeniably affects the group. However, I genuinely hope you understand the reasons behind my otherwise brash decision. For I must stand on principle, lest I decide to stand at all.”
“Given the crap Auris Ping pulled last night, I’m inclined to agree with you, Thalmin. More than that, I would’ve gladly taken your place and dueled him the good old fashioned way if I could. Besides, the look on his face when you chose him to be your dueling partner? It was just priceless.” I offered with a snide grin. “In all seriousness, I’m really not in a position to chastise anyone on the issue of just gunning it with your gut instinct anyways. Heck, the entirety of last week was one long drawn out escapade for my sake, which came at the expense of the group after all.” I chuckled nervously. “So… yeah, this is incredibly tame by those standards, Thalmin.”
“Whilst… unexpected, and indeed a risk, I can understand the reasons behind it, Thalmin.” Thacea nodded uneasily. “However, I do not advise any of you to make a habit out of this.” She commanded, making an effort to make individual eye contact with each and every one of us.
Thacea’s group-mom vibes were definitely showing at this point, which was probably for the better. Given the group seemed to be a magnet for this sort of thing, it was good to have an anchor of sorts.
Sure thing, mom. Was what my gut instinct screamed at me to say.
But instead, I decided to tone it down a notch.
“As you command, princess.” I dipped my head in acknowledgement, garnering a look of abashed confusion from Thacea, and just plain-old confusion from the other two.
“In any case… I… believe you wished to discuss matters outside of classroom priorities, Emma?” Thacea quickly attempted to shift past that little bit of prodding, which I obliged with an affirmative nod.
“Yep. Well, it’s more of a small change of plans that I think is worth discussing with you guys. So, you remember how I was planning on deploying an infil-drone on Mal’tory after the end of class right?”
All three nodded, urging me to continue.
“Well, since Mal’tory was a no-show, and with Larial taking the reins instead… I think it’s best if we stick with the plan anyways, just swapping out Mal’tory for Larial. I honestly don’t see any other way we can continue the library’s questline, or any other way to find evidence to support the Auris Ping-Mal’tory hypothesis we have going on. I know it’s a huge gamble since there’s no way of knowing if she’ll even head to Mal’tory’s office after class. But honestly? This is our best shot right now.”
“I concur, Emma.” Thalmin announced with a nod.
“Given her proximity to the professor’s orbit, we may in fact gain a greater bearing on his actual state. Which in itself may prove useful.” Thacea offered, more or less acknowledging my change of plans implicitly.
“We don’t seem to have any other choice, earthrealmer. So a shot in the dark is better than stowing your wand.” Ilunor acknowledged in a rare display of solidarity.
“It’s settled then. I’ll deploy the drone right after class is dismissed. Then, we wait and see what the drone comes up with.”

The Grand Concourse of Learning. The Hall of Light. Local Time: 14:00 Hours.
Emma
Mana field perception was, as one would expect, dry, bland, and utterly nonsensical.
Throughout most of it, the lesson was taught as if it was referencing something obvious, something mundane, something so typical that a lot of the topics were all but overlooked as ‘self evident’.
A lot of what was taught reminded me of a mix between perception-theory, and situational awareness training. However, instead of relying on your eyes, ears, heck, even your nose or sense of touch… it was instead relying on something completely outside of the human experience.
“Mana field perception, is at its core, a subject that is inherent to the sapient condition. However, the extent to which it is appreciated, understood, and most important of all — applied — varies exponentially. To an untrained mind, and an untempered soul, the world feels tepid.”
The apprentice paused, gesturing to Sorecar, who answered his cue by pulling out a massive painting of a beautiful mountainscape that seemed to play through a closed animation loop; the effect was like a high-definition e-ink display.
“To a trained mind, but an untempered soul, the world feels… distant, unaccommodating, and frustrating to emotionally comprehend.” Larial continued, prompting Sorecar to pull out yet another painting. This one, the exact same as the first, with literally no differences between them.
“To an untrained mind, but a tempered soul, the world feels… unpredictable, erratic, and frustrating to logically put together.” Once again, another painting was brought out. This one, just like the previous two, looked completely identical.
“But to a sufficiently trained mind, and a tempered soul, with enough time invested into both theory and practice… the world becomes open, expansive, and above all else… it becomes rich with sights and sensations that would be impossible to feel with the physical form alone.” Larial concluded, just as Sorecar pulled out what looked to be yet another identical painting.
The EVI’s analysis concluded that there were absolutely no differences between the four paintings. Moreover, the mana radiation signatures for each were likewise exactly the same.
It was only after slipping a note towards Thacea with a question written in High Nexian did I finally get my answer.
‘What’s the deal with these paintings? They’re all identical.’
Thacea quickly slipped me a blank piece of parchment in response.
Though it didn’t remain blank for long, as words and sentences started appearing on it; mirroring Thacea’s furious ‘note taking’ in her own notebook.
‘They’re artisanal pieces imbued with the purposeful manipulation of the subject’s aura, mana-field, and the surrounding mana. They were brought out in order to demonstrate the different degrees of mana-field perception by exaggerating the most common shortcomings found in those training in the magical arts. The first piece was, similar to your memory shards, lacking in any mana-fields or auras. The second and third pieces demonstrated a failure to imbue one or the other of the two fundamental tenets of mana-field perception. The fourth piece is representative of a perfect balance of both tenets, and is an exquisite work of art that completely outshines the first. It radiates beauty, whilst the first is flat and lifeless.’
It took a moment for me to really register all that. Longer still, as I eventually became fixated on that last line in particular.
Flat and lifeless… is that what the world is like from my eyes?
It was around that time that a thought hit me, and a realization truly sank deep into my very being.
The world that Thacea, Thalmin, Ilunor, and the rest of the magical beings across the interdimensional plane experienced… was one that I was utterly blind to.
It’d been referenced before.
In fact, it’d been drilled into me time and time again by the likes of Ilunor that I was lacking in something fundamental.
But up until now, everything was either circumstantial, or outside of my general focus. So much so that I never was able to digest the implications of it.
However, as much as a pit formed in my stomach, growing tighter by the second as Larial went on and on about the ebbs and flows of mana, so too did a very human resolve suddenly dawn upon me.
“I’m going to see what you guys see one day.” I wrote down on Thacea’s magic paper.
“How?” Was the message I received back.
To which I only had one thing to reply with.
“The same way we overcame all of our other shortcomings.” I wrote cryptically, garnering a look of confusion from Thacea as she read the note, to which I only had to point at my armor for added effect.
By once again defying nature. I thought to myself.
If we weren’t born with the ability to ‘see’ this beauty, we’d find a way to break it down into its fundamental components, dissect it, analyze it, and then reinterpret it for ourselves.
The class continued on after that exchange of notes, as we touched upon what Ilunor had so eloquently described on that second day of the grace period:
One: that manastreams were everywhere around us.
Two: that manafields generated by living organisms were akin to rocks that not only parted those streams, but at times, interacted with them.
Three: that using manafields, one could make out the presence of other manafields through the manastreams, and thus detect and extract information as is pertinent to the context of the situation.
And while Ilunor would’ve blabbered on and on about the ability to see and sense the emotional state of others through the manastreams, what Larial seemed to be focused on instead were the practical applications of this natural ability. Namely, she focused on exactly how to detect a spell being cast, what sort of spell was being cast, and most importantly — she focused on how it all tied back to Light Magic.
“In summary, only when one is proficient in the detection and analysis of manafields, can one finally start to dissect the intricacies of a manafield during spellcasting. And only once one masters the detection of spellcasting, can one even hope to begin the process of dispelling. The first step of which is to know exactly what a manafield looks like during spellcasting. Is there anyone in the class that can tell me what that looks like?” The professor asked, looking around, before picking one of the many raised hands.
This one belonged to Qiv.
“Yes, Lord Qiv?”
“Influxes and effluxes, Professor. One will see the influx of ambient mana through the manastreams into a manafield, and the potential efflux of mana through a manafield back into the manastreams in the form of a controlled mana-construct.”
“Very good, Lord Qiv! Five points! Now, hold your thoughts on that latter part, because that ties into my next question!” Larial responded with a giddiness and chipperness that seemed to be lacking in every other class up to this point. “The fundamental means of detecting a spell being cast is by looking out for a point of influx, and a point of efflux. Influx being the more difficult of the pair to detect, for what you have to look out for is mana is being funneled into a manafield. A weak spell being cast, will incur less disruptions in a manastream. However, the opposite is also true. As the more powerful the spell, and the more powerful the mage, the greater the rate of influx, as the amount of mana needed to fulfill the requirements of the spell increases. Paradoxically this would mean it will be easier to detect a powerful spell before it is cast, as the reduction in the concentration of ambient mana will be more palpable as a result. Efflux however, is rather straightforward, and will be the primary vehicle through which Mana-field Perception will be taught. As it is through efflux that we can ascertain the most useful details of a spell, or as Lord Qiv so eloquently puts it — the mana-construct. Does anyone know what this next point may be referring to?”
Surprisingly, and out of a clear bias towards Qiv, Larial once more called him up.
I couldn’t blame her though.
The man, despite being a certified bully and teacher’s pet, was one of the few students who didn’t openly doubt the apprentice’s capabilities during the start of class.
“Yes, Lord Qiv?”
“The mana-construct refers to the skeleton of a spell; the arrangement and unique form it takes before manifesting into a proper spell.” The gorn-like lizard responded confidently.
“Outstanding, Lord Qiv! Five points! Now, whilst a mana-construct is indeed a vital step in the process of spell casting, its manifestation is rarely the point in time in which a spell can be intercepted — save for those who have mastered the art of Light Magic. As a result, a spell can be halted before it even has the chance to form. To most however, the mana-construct acts as a cue to prepare. It is a signal that demonstrates the irrefutable start to a spell. And as a result, it provides major structural clues as to the form of Light Magic that must be employed to combat it. Which leads me to my next point.”
The apprentice once more paused, as she manifested literally nothing visible to the tune of more than a dozen mana radiation warnings.
“When broken down to their basic components, every spell is a complicated meshwork of mana, channeled and contained within a dynamic pattern that continuously evolves throughout the duration of a spell. Because unlike artificing, the casting of magic evolves with unpredictability and thrives on organic change. No offense to you, of course, Professor Pliska.” The apprentice turned towards Sorecar worryingly, who simply responded with a bellowing laugh.
“None taken, my aspiring understudy!”
With that, Larial continued, her hands moving through an empty section of air that everyone seemed to be focused on; as if manipulating a hologram that I wasn’t privy to. “However, in spite of this unpredictability, the goal of Light Magic and Mana-field Perception in particular is to untangle the aforementioned meshwork of mana. For every spell is a puzzle and a series of knots to untangle. Your goal in this class, if I am to be reductive, is to untangle the complex mesh that comprises a spell, unraveling it to a point in which it can no longer maintain its form — collapsing it and thus, rendering it inert.” The apprentice emphasized this by miming what looked to be tiny little motions with her fingers, before pulling both hands backwards, garnering a series of affirmative nods from the crowd. “And with that, we now reach the conclusion of today’s class.”
“Or more accurately, the leadup to the climax of this class.” Sorecar quickly chimed in with a wave of his hand, prompting the room to change once more. Section upon section of the front of the classroom’s floor was dragged down into the impossible void, only to be replaced just as quickly by an elevated stage resembling that of a fencing strip. “Will the aspiring duelists please rise and approach the stage?” Sorecar turned back towards the crowd, prompting both Thalmin and Auris to stand, the pair giving each other some strong side-eyes before both marching up and towards the front of the class.
From there, with not a single word exchanged, they took their places, Thalmin at the far right, and Auris on the far left.
“The purpose of this demonstration is simple.” The apprentice began, as Sorecar began moving towards both Thalmin and Auris, insisting them to pay attention. “It is to show that even in spite of the complicated principles behind Light Magic, that there exists far simpler, far more basic principles that can achieve similar means. A precursor to more contemporary methods; spell-breaking. A maneuver that involves overpowering the structure and flow of a spell using a concentrated burst of pure mana irregardless of the type. However, unlike traditional dispelling seen in contemporary Light Magic, spell-breaking oftentimes requires a user to concentrate a disproportionately larger amount of mana in order to properly break a spell. It is thus highly inefficient, and as a result becomes rapidly impractical upon encountering spellcrafts of sufficiently advanced tiers. This demonstration will be aptly limited to a simple barrier-spell for the likes of the reciprocator, so as to not overburden the initiator with this simple task.”
The apprentice quickly passed on the torch to Sorecar, who quickly took center stage with a few steps.
“Now, as this is not a traditional duel for dominance, nor is it a sporting duel for the purposes of victory, I will explain the narrow context by which this duel will be held.” Sorecar continued, his hands clapping together, generating an empty and resonant CLANG in the process. “To our right, is our initiator, who will be demonstrating the principles of spell-breaking in an active capacity. To our left, is our reciprocator, who will be taking on the role of demonstrative spellcaster, casting only barrier spells for the duration of this short demonstration. Remember, there is to be no additional spells cast or demonstrated outside of these parameters. Is that clear?” Sorecar paused, making sure to meet both of the opponents’ gazes with his empty helm.
“Yes, professor!” Both parties shouted simultaneously, barely containing their frustrations beneath a veneer of calm and restrained fury.
“Then we shall begin on the count of three.” The apprentice continued, taking the reins over from Sorecar, as she stood just a few steps away from the stage’s combat-lines. “One.” She began, as Auris began moving into position, practically grinding his booted hooves into the stage, and taking on the posture of some unknown martial art. “Two.” Thalmin reciprocated by taking a more aggressive posture, as if positioning himself to leap towards the bull in a ravenous rage at the drop of a hat.
“Three.”
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 225% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 350% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
Nothing seemed to happen.
At least, not to my eyes.
Within a matter of seconds, all I witnessed were two mana radiation warnings timelogged as only a few seconds apart from one another.
No physical effects were evident to me. Nothing, except for the flinching of a few muscles, and the waving of arms. As if they were conjuring make-believe magic spells, without the added special effects that came with it.
Ironically, this was how I was expecting most Nexians to react to the reveal of laser weaponry. Silent, invisible, but otherwise omnipresent and deadly threats.
Though despite the lack of any physical effects I could discern, there were certainly more than enough context-clues to go by when it came to exactly what had just occurred.
Auris’ features had more or less swelled up into a fury. His nostrils flared just short of snorting out fumes, and his teeth were bared clearly holding back a few choice words for the now-grinning Thalmin.
“Again.” He demanded, and barely a second after a nod of approval from the apprentice, came two more mana radiation warnings.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 300% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 425% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
Once again, no noticeable physical effects had manifested. Though judging from the bewildered and shocked expressions of the crowd, something was definitely happening within the invisible world that was accessible through mana-vision.
“Again!” Ping announced, barely garnering approval from the apprentice this time, as things took a sudden enough turn that even I could notice them.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 400% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
It started with that ‘barrier’ again.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 500% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
Followed by Thalmin overpowering it.
However, instead of letting things go, Ping instead pushed towards a frenzied series of attacks.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 375% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
As one—
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 400% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
—after another—
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 400% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
—after another—
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 400% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
—after another ‘barrier’ spell seemed to actually be causing Thalmin some pushback now. His movements now resembled someone attempting to dodge invisible projectiles, yet Auris made no moves to actually fling anything at him, only maintaining his prior stance.
Though of course, this came with the same expected response.
As Thalmin retaliated with his own attacks. Or rather, one, very large attack that truly outclassed what Auris could currently muster in his furious state.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 550% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
This spell that mildly shook the room seemed to be enough to ‘break’ the sudden incursion, prompting both Ping and Thalmin to turn towards the apprentice — the former blasting steam from his snout and the latter slashing his tail in the air — for yet another round of fighting, only to have Sorecar step in, placing a hand on both of the duelists who were barely a foot away from each other now.
“Wonderful! Excellent! Put your hands together for our introductory duelists, everyone!” The professor quickly coerced both of the parties to face the class, actively grabbing them by the small of their back, and thus effectively entrapping them with his iron grip — forcing them to face the class who cheered on with a series of applauses.
Not a second later, the pair of them bowed, though it was unclear how much of this was Sorecar’s doing, and how much of this was done out of their own will.
“In any case, seeing as both of our aspiring duelists have gone above and beyond in their demonstration, and seeing that this is merely a demonstration, and not a challenge—” Sorecar emphasized that last point, forcing the pair to sweat in his over-shoulder grip. “—I believe it would be prudent to award them each a fair share of this duel’s fifty points.”
“Given the enthusiasm shown, I am inclined to agree, Professor Pliska.” The apprentice quickly nodded, prompting the armorer to quickly push both of them off-stage, and back towards the staggered raised steps of the lecture hall.
“Twenty-five points for both of our duelist’s groups.” Larial reiterated, and with a final round of reluctant applause, barely overpowering the incoming band marking the end of class… the apprentice made her final statement. “This concludes this week’s first lesson. Considering the house choosing ceremony coming up this weekend, along with the Elaseer school supply shopping trip to town… I am inclined to grant this class some clemency. No homework will be required. So please, enjoy the rest of the day, and prepare yourselves for what could be the most decisive day in your academic career here in Transgracia. Class dismissed!”
No sooner were those words uttered did my eyes quickly turn towards my HUD, and a flash of commands came through without a second of delay.
INFIL-DRONE01a ACTIVE, STATUS: NOMINAL. OBJECTIVE: PRIORITY TRACKING AND RECONNAISSANCE OF SUBJECT A109. MISSION PARAMETERS: TRACK, OBSERVE, MAP, AND RETURN-TO-BASE WITHIN PREDETERMINED PARAMETERS. CONFIRM COMMAND Y/N?
“Command confirmed.” I replied vocally, prompting the newly-printed replacement drone to pop out of its docking bay, before charting a course parallel to that of the apprentice.
The drone’s signal was lost just as the apprentice left the room through that dark threshold behind the lectern, at which point, the entire class began shuffling out to the tune of the encroaching band.
Only time would tell what would come of this mission.
But hopefully, we'll get our answers sometime later this evening.
However, instead of blending right into the crowd, or more specifically… being ignored by said crowd, quite a few eyes managed to find their way onto our group. Moreover, the chatter seemed way too interesting to ignore.
“You were right, Cynthis… perhaps there is something about this mercenary prince after all.” A female voice spoke from an all-girl group, eliciting a series of giggles, which were promptly silenced by a privacy screen the moment Thalmin craned his head around.
“Lord Auris Ping has yet again demonstrated his integrity. Let us ensure his pure-hearted determination is lauded this evening, lads! The fearsome strikers shall band together with the most pious of intent!” A tortle-like-turtle jeered, moving strategically to position themselves around Auris Ping’s group, as the expected schmoozing began in full.
“Newrealmer.” Ilunor began, generating a privacy screen in the process.
“Yes, Ilunor?”
“How long do you expect your insect to take in its dastardly escapades?”
“Last time it took a good few hours. So, given this probably isn’t a one-and-done deal, I’d say… maybe three to four hours at the least this time around?” I offered.
“Well then. Splendid. I shall be off, and return within that time frame.”
“Wait wait wait wait. Hold up. Where do you think you’re going?” I inquired firmly.
“I have my own life to lead, newrealmer. Now please, I shall return to our group’s escapades in due time.”
“Where, Ilunor?” I reiterated.
To which the Vunerian could only sigh in response. “The student lounge. Top floor today, if I am to be interrogated for every ounce of information…”
“Then let’s go. Together.” I proclaimed, garnering a few looks of surprise from both Thacea and Thalmin. “Perhaps it’s time we start getting a feel for the lay of the land. We’ve been cooped up in our own little world for far too long, maybe, just maybe, we should all expand our horizons just by a little bit.”
First Previous Next
​
(Author’s Note: The much anticipated round two between Thalmin and Auris has concluded! And following its conclusion, we also get quite a few reactions to Thalmin as a result of his daring display of magical prowess! We also get a pretty hands on demonstration of Light Magic this time around! This is perhaps one of the more hands on class, and indeed one of the more straightforward classes so far! Moreover, the end of classes marks not only the beginning of the little spy drone adventure, but also a little peak into exactly what Ilunor has been up to! I hope you guys enjoy! :D The next Two Chapters are already up on Patreon if you guys are interested in getting early access to future chapters!)
[If you guys want to help support me and these stories, here's my ko-fi ! And my Patreon for early chapter releases (Chapter 81 and Chapter 82 of this story is already out on there!)]

When I was in junior high a transfer student arrived in the middle of the semester; a kid that was different from everyone else. Right away he had caught my eye, in fact he caught everyone's attention because he had a very unique disability; he couldn’t speak. I guess you could say he was deaf, though it was clear to me after getting to know him that he could in fact hear; every word spoken to him was understood with simple nods or gestures; facial expressions contorting into understood language; so I guess he was mute; yeah, that would describe him best. He was an oddity to most but to me he was a unicorn, something that sparkled in our dim monotonous lives and it wasn’t until he revealed who he was did I become terrified of him and his shine.
I was in 7th grade maneuvering my way through the jungle of middle school, avoiding trouble and premature violence. I was an undersized boy for my age, no more than 5ft tall; puberty had yet to visit me leaving me left out of the herd; the other students or the ‘sheep’ as I called them that infested my school. They were all the same, kids that were driven by hormones constantly talking about boys or girls, their deep voices riding on the coattails of the wind that breezed in and out of our hallways. I was a mere shadow, always walking a few paces behind the others not wanting to be seen or acknowledged; I saw what others that looked like me went through, they were tortured and abused for simply existing.
Once Bryce Ellis and his friends stuck Timmy Easton’s face in the shitter for over 10 flushes, I was in a stall over, hiding and waiting for the torment to be over. I slithered my feet up on to the stall caressing them to my chest as I sat in a fetal position horrified of how one human could treat another. Eventually the bullies had gotten bored, their short attention span driven minds directed them to another endeavor leaving Timmy to fester in his tears and possible filth.
He sobbed for minutes that felt like hours as I remained silent in the stall over, I placed my hand cautiously on the barrier wall trying to absorb a bit of his pain, my heart ached for him in that moment and I wanted to lend him a compassionate hand if only I had the courage to do so. So yeah, I did my best to stay hidden, unseen to all the dwellers that mindlessly walked in and out of our school on a daily basis, the boys that believed themselves to be men or the girls that pontificated to anyone that listened. I was lost into an enteral sea of vindictive young adults that searched for any reason to lash out at anyone that stood in their way.
So when ‘Tape boy’ — as they would eventually call him — came to my little middle school that stood still in the secluded hills of our small town I was enthralled almost immediately with his existence. He was introduced to my home room class, I sat in the back burying my head into my arms, occasionally lifting my head to listen on the days lecture. My day dreams entertaining me as the clock slowly ticked away at our lives and it wasn’t until my teacher promptly stopped talking did it trigger a primal emotion in me to sit up and pay attention. I postured myself up straight, pausing the internal movie that played in my mind to see what the interruption was about.
There he was, a new boy that no one had ever seen before, by middle school everyone knew each other; we had went to the same elementary school, the same holiday events and grocery stores. So getting a new student was like getting a new flavor at Baskin Robbins; a mystery taste simmering on the tip of your tongue as you digested every drop, his presence was intriguing. He wasn’t small like me, I would say average height for a 12 year old; about 5'4, slender body with unkempt dark black hair. He looked timid, his head tilted towards the ground not wanting to accidentally lock eyes with any of us as the teacher introduced him, my mind wandering with such intrigue because to all of our astonishment he was wearing a surgical face mask — mind you this was in the 90’s; eons before the Covid pandemic breached the windows of our thoughts.
Right away I could hear the murmurs, the questions erupting throughout the classroom as everyone pondered of why this boy sheltered his face. I stared on for what must of been minutes as the shy boy kept his gaze down, I could see him slightly squeezing the arm straps to his backpack nervously the longer he stood there on full display for all.
I had my fill and I relaxed my postured sinking back into my chair directing my stare out the window but then Billy Sherman asked the question we all had on our minds,
“Uhm, why is he wearing that mask?”.
Our teacher explained to us that it was because of some weaken immune system, something about how his ticker didn’t click like the rest of ours, she then also told us about him being mute. This drew my eyes right back to him, I think it did for all of us and for a moment the quiet kid raised his head and locked eyes with me. His dark black eyes glistened with despair, the deep purple bags that sagged under his eyes were more indicative of someone that hadn’t slept in days. I felt something for him in that moment, our third eye conversing in some cosmic dialogue and as quickly as he rose his head did it drop once again towards the ground. I could still hear all the the other kids snickering, questioning and some even giggling; it made me sick, if I was a braver boy I would of stood on top of my desk and verbally lashed out to all the sheep, instead I rose my hand asking something Mrs. Willis never said, what was the timid boys name?
“Oh I’m sorry, how rude of me, this is Gabriel”.
She sat Gabriel upfront next to her desk, wanting him close in case he needed to write or sign something to her and just like that everyone went back to their simple lives; including myself.
The next few weeks I saw little of Gabriel other than the back of his head during class, once the bell rang everyone that my eyes glimpsed at for the day disappeared or just maybe it was me who dissolved into the ambience of our school. Either way I saw little of the boy who wore a mask, the one that sheltered his true identity and my curiosity with the new flavor of the week gradually faded into the abyss of non-existence; well, that was until the day I saw the mask slip.
It was end of the day, I spent most of the time turning corners anytime Bryce Ellis approached; evading the wrath of him and his band of merry men who were the pinnacle of human torture; finding any opportunity to demean those who crossed their path. I remember leaving Chemistry class, my mind all to occupied with leaving the hell hole of every kids dread and that’s when I saw Gabriel walking down the hall towards the cafeteria; his head still tilted down; his gaze tracking every step he took; face mask still tightly fitted around his face.
This time I saw someone was following him, it was Tom Ingram one of Bryce’s guys, a kid that tried to be the “alpha male” of the group numerous times, doing his best to dethrone the reign of Bryce. He was a big boy for his age, probably about 5'9 and easily weighed 200 pounds, he was a wild card alright; he got caught pouring sugar down Mr. Whitakers old Pontiac gas tank for giving him a poor grade. So when I saw him berating poor Gabriel; taunting him as grotesque laughter followed every insult, I felt like I had to do something and my consistent stealth veneer of camouflage morphed into into a full on sprint towards the two. I saw Tom was closing in on him, other kids looking on with bewilderment on their faces — not knowing if they should laugh out of fear or grimace from disgust. For the first time in a long while did a burning sensation of courage ignite in my soul, I was tired of seeing monsters preying on the sheep and I was going to stop it somehow.
Finally Gabriel had stopped walking and stood still, his head hanging even lower than before, the strands of his long hair covered the remainder of his face. Tom began slapping the top side of the poor kids head, yelling out obscenities, angered that he didn’t stop sooner. I was close, I was gonna stop this since all anyone else could do is cower in fear while looking on and then it happened causing me to stop dead in my tracks, my eyes widening with befuddlement. Tom had torn away the mask from Gabriel's face, awes with groans came from everyone then silence blanketed the entire school and for those few seconds our existence had been swallowed up by the earth itself.
“What the hell” Tom yelped out breaking the still but heavy disquietude.
I wanted to say something, but no words could be manifested only gurgles as I choked on my own disbelief. The timid boy under the mask of intrigue had a strip of black duct tape covering his mouth, it stretching from the side of his face to the other almost resembling what would be some hideous smile. The timid boy then collapsed his hands over his face as faint muffles of sobbing protruded from him, he ran into the nearest restroom only for Tom to pursue. Finally my thoughts had been gathered while my body came back to life, I brushed off the bizarre occurrence of that grizzly smile and I reminded myself of what was about to happen. Tom was going to punish Gabriel for simply existing as he and his gang have been doing for years and like some old factory machine the cogs of my body set into motion as I ran towards the restroom.
Before I could open the door the most horrid scream exploded outwards into the hallway, the sound sending a cold shiver down my spine and Tom came running out of the restroom gripping at his face crying. He was hysterical running and bumping into the walls until finally crumbling onto the floor only to continue sobbing. My mind was clouded with a whirl wind of confusion, I no longer knew what to do, I mean I was going to run in there and stop the assault but now the assaulter was on the floor destroyed. Then Gabriel calmly came out of the restroom, his mask firmly back on and he turned to look at me, his dark eyes burning an image of anguish into my mind. I asked if he was okay of course he said nothing though, he didn’t need to I could just sense his response and it was one of gratitude. I almost could see him smiling at me from underneath the mask and I reminded myself of what was under it; that abysmal duct tape that looked like a sinister grin.
From that day on most of the kids were afraid of Gabriel, I could see the look of terror in their eyes anytime he passed by them even though his headed was still shifted downwards but that’s the day whenever someone mentioned him they referred to him as “Tape boy”. I had heard through the whispers of our school that Tom had suffered some mental breakdown, that the doctors couldn’t find anything psychically wrong with him, it was as if his mind had shattered. He remained in some mental hospital, memories of him gradually fading and the sheep went on with living their mundane lives. Bryce even slowed his bullying, I think he knew that their were now more eyes watching everyone after the altercation and he didn’t want to get caught in some bad situation, though I could see he was itching to get at Gabriel. I went back to being a shadow, avoiding all the others still not too confident that the days of torture were over.
Even though Gabriel was regarded as some magical or perhaps malevolent being by most; not sure which one; he still appeared to be sad; lonely, his head always dragging with despondency. I made an effort in getting to know him, I wasn’t afraid like the rest of them something about the day we locked eyes gave me the resolve to understand he wouldn’t hurt me. I approached him during lunch break, he was outside sitting underneath a tree, the shade showering him a gloom of haze. I think I surprised him or maybe it was just my stealth nature but I saw him jump when I sat next to him. I began talking about the origins of Darth Vader, of how he was originally a hero using his force power for good only to eventually turn to the dark side.
Gabriel just looked at me confounded of why I was even talking to him, his stare looking on with indifference. I told him that he was like a super hero, doing whatever he did to Tom was just like a super power, that I was thankful. His gazed then returned back to the floor almost out of shame, I guess whatever he did that day he didn’t see it as something special, or something to praise. I then told him that I still envied his ability to defend himself, that having such an ability was better than winning the school lottery — which was a week supply of free cafeteria food. I kept blabbering on for the remainder of the break while he still postured his stare towards the floor until the bell had finally rung. Before getting up I told him that if I could have a super power mine would be invisibility that’s when he turned to me pulling out a small spiral from his back pack writing something down, he then showed me.
“Why?” it read.
I told him that I didn’t like being seen, that if I could I would melt away into the noise, then life would be better he just stared at me with what I could assume was disbelief. He didn’t write anything back, he just remain seated while I stood to my feet. I asked if he was coming back to class but he ignored me and just stared out into space presumably lost in his own thoughts.
For the next several months I would catch Gabriel in the hallways, talk to him about the latest edition of whatever comic I was reading, Superman being my favorite and I would go on and on about how his true super power wasn’t strength but hope. I think he became more comfortable with me, pulling out his spiral notebook to write down his thoughts; his questions and answers — a new gateway of communication had formed between us. Most times I could tell what he was going to write by looking at his eyes, those dark haunting eyes, he was a mysterious book slowly being revealed to me and I was completely beguiled by his friendship. Bryce and his little posse slowly went back to bullying the sheep, though they kept their distance from Gabriel and me.
I guess I had a new protector one that wouldn’t be crossed and something about that protection left me feeling proud. I knew in my heart that the timid kid that now went by “Tape boy” wouldn’t hurt a fly that maybe the day of Tom going crazy was all by chance, perhaps his rage snapped his mind. I tried asking him about that day numerous times but he never explained what happened he would redirect the conversation back to super hero’s. I would walk home with him on certain days, well, more like he would walk me home I never got to see where he lived, he was too reserved to give up that kind of information but the days we would walk together was always fun. I finally felt like I belonged, the longing emotion of needing acceptance was found by his friendship.
One day when I was walking home by myself I decided to stop in at the gas station to pick up a drink and scour the latest edition of comic books in the small rack of magazines. Before entering the store I could hear arguing voices engaging in combative dialogue and it became vividly clear that it was more of a yelling match than conversation. It was coming from the side of the building, most times I would just ignore it but one of the voices sounded all too familiar and I crept slowly to the edge of the building poking my head out to get a glimpse of the disturbance. It was Bryce, his back was up against the wall while someone who I presumed was his father berated him with such a vicious snarl on his face. The angry man kept slapping Bryce across the face anytime he tried to say something and soon tears began drizzling off the face of the mighty bully only for the man to laugh.
I didn’t know why the older man was treating Bryce the way he was, information cut out of my understanding, for all I know it could of been because of something the bully did at school. I found it to be poetic justice that the boy that caused so much heart ache suffered the same amount only at home. It felt like a cliche, the angry kid was angry because of the angry father; a cruel loop of never ending proportions. Eventually the man or father walked away getting back into his car leaving the bully to brush away the tears from his face. I cautiously retreated my head away deciding to ditch the store completely when that same broken voice only minutes ago shouted out to me with a hefty dominance.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Bryce howled out.
I didn’t bother turning around, I just ran home, dodging into alley ways trying my best to not been seen. It didn’t appear as if he was following, but seeing him in such a vulnerable state was bemusing. We were a small town how could I not know who the man was, we all knew each other since we were small and then it hit me; Bryce’s dad had left when he was little. This man must of been his step dad or perhaps mom’s boyfriend, it didn’t matter I was going to mind my own business, I was going to slither back into the shadows; but my attempts would only fall on defeated shoulders.
I didn’t want to tell anyone of what I saw, I hoped that keeping my mouth shut would of been enough for the bully to leave me be. Unfortunately there is no reasoning when it comes to human beings, we base our actions on emotions, our anger and Bryce confronted me the next morning in front of Gabriel.
“Hey fairy, did you enjoy the show?” the angry kid spouted out at me.
I tried explaining to him that I wasn’t trying to intrude, that the arguing concerned me, that I didn’t like seeing him being mistreated and then he punched me right in the gut. I fell to the floor gripping at my stomach, the pain slicing through every fiber of my body. I tried catching my breath but inhaling was too painful and I sheltered my face expecting another punch but the bully walked off leaving me to sweat. Gabriel kneel down to me taking out his spiral notebook writing the obvious question, I gestured to him to give me a moment and I honestly felt like crying. I had spent years doing my best to blend into the background, the invisibility power I was so desperate to have amongst the sheep was now gone; I was on Bryce’s radar.
For the remainder of the school year I tried avoiding the bullies, the monsters that preyed on the sheep but their leader would actively search for me, he was no longer intimidated by Gabriel; his once menacing allure had dwindled and now we both were sitting ducks. Luckily there was only a few weeks left until summer break and I only had hoped that the time off would be enough for the monster of monsters to cool off.
Entering summer was a relief much needed for my sanity, I took a few thrashings but it was over, me and Gabriel had big plans on spending time together. He wasn’t an out door kind of kid, he usually would just come over my place and we would read my comic books. He quickly grew enchanted with the idea of super hero's, their powers restoring balance to the nature of our world. I enjoyed every minute of it, my parents on the other hand looked less jovial to our friendship, they didn’t like the mask; it worried them. They thought that whatever illness he had could be passed on to me, but they didn’t do anything to stop us from seeing each other, they only silently protested.
So after awhile we decided to meet somewhere outdoors, away from my parents judgmental stares, there was a creek close to my house, the trees giving us enough shade to stay cool on those long summer days. The small stream that flowed through the trenches of the creek enriched our view as we would find the perfect rock to perch on while reading our comics. We didn’t see much of any of the other classmates that summer, the sheep kept their distance or maybe it was just us, but the days seem to pass quickly and before we knew it summer was coming to an end. I couldn’t remember how many volumes we must of read but Gabriel was now a fan of almost every super hero. He tend to raise out his arms while walking, mimicking the premise of flying like Superman; his ponderous eyes cutting through the brush as we escaped our secluded summer spot.
It was on the final day of our summer break did I pressure the shy timid boy to explain to me what had happen that day, the day Tom lost his marbles, I needed to know. Gabriel as always tried redirecting the conversation, holding up a comic of Batman, pointing at some dialogue. I got upset, I raised my voice telling him that if we were friends then he should tell me, that there wasn’t secrets between us. His heavy eyes collapsing to the ground, shifting his posture on the rock that we both sat on.
“Look, I just need to know, you’re my best friend” I told him with genuine longing.
The school year was about to start up again and I could already envision a future of slithering through the hallways how I have always done, but with Gabriel maybe that could change. I needed to know and I was done guessing, fantasizing that he was some super hero or at least my hero; my protector. I stood up off the rock walking over to the stream, the sound of water colliding unto the small stones that infested the trench triggered something awful in my gut. I took a deep breath and made my final stand with my best friend.
“If you don’t want to tell me then I’m going home, see ya” I said with impatience dripping off of my words.
Gabriel ignored my warning and continued pointing at the comic book, that’s when I noticed what he was pointing at, it wasn’t dialogue it was one of Batman's villains — he was pointing at Clayface. This made me stop, my minding halting after speeding at 100 miles per hour; it crashing my thoughts.
“Yeah, what about Clayface?” I curiously asked with a withered and tired voice.
That’s when his pointer finger was no longer on the page but rather it was pointed towards his mouth; the mouth that was hidden behind his mask. He could see my face drop with sadness, whatever disfigurement he had underneath that horrid black duct tape must of been something like the villain from the comic and my heart broke for him. Gabriel’s eyes gleaming with absolute sorrow, the boy that only wanted to be left alone, the person all the others feared just wanted solitude and here I was badgering him to no end about something so insignificant. We stared at each other for several seconds, our eyes meeting in some altered state and I reached my hand up to his face tenderly taking off his mask. There it was, the black duct tape that resembled a grin, a nightmarish one that could only been seen in some horror movie. I then placed my fingers on the edge of the tape, my cold grip causing him to shiver and I slowly began to remove it.
“What the hell are you fairy’s doing?” a voice called out from the brush, one that sank my heart into my stomach.
I turned trying to locate the voice and sure enough there he was, the bully that had tortured so many for so many years — it was Bryce. His body slowly revealing itself from the brush like some despicable ooze frothing from the depths of hell. Though, something about him was different, his cold stare no longer fictitious but more intimidating and as his body fully emerged did I see the blood trickling down his soaked stain shirt. He was covered in the crimson fluid, there was even some on his cheeks almost as he had some open wound and smeared the remnants of it on his face. The devilish grin that bestowed his bruised and beaten face quickly led me to a conclusion; one that I wish I didn’t conclude. A purplish black infested the out layer of his left eye, it practically closed shut and his nose had been bent to a unsightly angle. I started to whimper as my lips trembled from fright because this Bryce was not the same one that had given us wedgies or swirlies this one was a true monster, a beast that devoured souls. His gaze was enough to display a vacancy of any humanity and my eyes crawled down his arm into his hand to see the black pistol that he firmly gripped.
“Uh, Bryce what happened? Are you okay?” I groaned out while sniffling.
He didn’t answer, he just kept grinning at me, the ghastly smile that stretched ear from ear plagued my vision and I knew that he had done it, that he had hurt someone badly. I was terrified and in the moment I had completely forgotten about Gabriel, my tunnel vision only focused on that firearm.
“Where the hell did the other one go?” the monster asked, I turned and realized Gabriel in fact had run away leaving me behind.
I wanted to run, I wanted to flee while screaming but horror kept me in place and I felt like some dear trapped in headlights contemplating my entire life in mere seconds.
“Everyone always messes with me!” Bryce yelled out with such ferociousness.
There was no talking my way out of this one, no pleading, I knew in that moment he was going to kill me; his rage over flowing to the point of lunacy. He quickly pounced dropping me to the floor, screaming with madness and he repeatedly hit me over the head with the but of the gun causing me to see stars. His words became incoherent sounding like muffled tones that slushed it’s way into my hearing, I shook my head trying to collect myself, just maybe I could figure a way out of this but as soon as my vision corrected itself Bryce would strike me another time causing it to blur once again. I fell into a darkness, my world collapsing into an eternal void of loneliness as my body began to float effortlessly but as soon as I thought this was my final moments flashes of Gabriel flooded into my mind awakening me out of whatever slumber I found myself in. That’s when I realized Bryce was no longer hitting me, instead he was talking to someone and as I grabbed at my head trying to steady my balance I saw it was Gabriel standing still head as always tilted downwards.
Bryce confronted him pointing his 9mm directly at his head yelling, screaming at the top of his lungs but my best friend remained unmoved, just quiet and then he slowly removed his mask. This caused Bryce to pause, his tone weaken and I think for the first time he digested if he should proceed doing what he was doing.
“What are you doing freak?” the bully yelped out.
Gabriel remained quiet, eyes still directed towards the floor, his breathing escalating; I could see his chest pump more vigorously with each passing second. With the mask off me and Bryce could see the bewildering black duct tape strapped to his face, Gabriel’s face began to tremble violently as if he was trying to yell through the bondage. He then finally began to peel of the thick layer of black duct tape and it came off with a wicked screech as I could see my friends eyes squint with pain.
Bryce was no longer pointing the gun at Gabriel, no longer was he even saying a word his arm lowered to his side and both him and I stared on with amazement. What was under the tape was layers of skin, twisting and binding to each other like some thriving organism living it’s own life on Gabriel's face. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t say anything I was in shock and my head still throb from pain. Then Gabriel's mouth — if you want to call it that — began to stretch open, he tilted his head backwards while the mountain of dead flesh started to drip down his face allowing some endless void to open up inside of him. I could hear the cracking of bones breaking, his jaw shifting to accommodate the massive hole that was now his mouth and then horrid dwindling fingers began to protrude from the darkness.
My mouth gaped open with trepidation and if I had the ability to adjust my head I would think Bryce had the same facial expression. Then a grotesque head forced it’s way out of my friends mouth revealing a face that could only exist in the realms of the dead, this new creature having two large almond shape eyes; eyes that looked very similar to the ones that were attached to my friend. This ‘thing’ then stared at Bryce, that’s all it did, no words were spoken no violence was created it just stared at him and soon the bully grasped at his face and began to yell. He ran frantically in different directions, his gun firing out into the tree line, I jumped for cover; falling to the floor sheltering my head with my arms. Bryce’s terrified screams caused my stomach to turn and soon those dire cries stopped along with the gunshots.
I must of stayed on the floor for what felt like hours, too scared to rise to my feet and through my peripheral did I see the sun begin to set plunging the small creak into darkness. I eventually mustered up enough courage to get up and I looked around, Bryce was mere feet away from me, he lay still on the floor blood spewing out of his head; it appeared as if had shot himself. I walked over to his body befuddled of what to do I then remembered Gabriel, I turned to look for him but he was gone it was only me and Bryce's dead corpse. I ran home telling my parents about everything, of the encounter I experienced, at first it seemed as if they didn’t believe me but they still phoned for the police.
I led them to the creek to the bullies dead body, I initially thought perhaps they would blame me, connect me to his death but the police believed me; well the believed me about Bryce but not about Gabriel. They told me that Bryce had killed his step father, apparently they had gotten into some altercation and afterwards he went into his mothers bedroom and shot her to death. They told me that the once bully was a disturbed individual, suffering abuse for many years; that I was lucky to escape from his wrath. I told them that they needed to find my friend I wanted to know if he was okay, but all the officers could do was pat my back with sympathy trying to relax me.
It has almost been 30 years since the event, I still have nightmares of what had happened, I see the dead stare Bryce had while pointing his pistol at me, I see him repeatedly hitting me over the head again and again. Though, what still haunts me more is Gabriel's mouth contorting into that horrid shape revealing the creature that lived inside of him. He was never found, I’m pretty sure he moved on to another city, another place where bullies like Bryce tormented their schools and I could only imagine Gabriel was there to balance the wrongs of the world. I am scared of my best friend, but I know at the same time he is my protector; my super hero, he is out there doing good, I can feel it and I hope he can sense my love for him. Maybe we will never meet again, perhaps it’s not written in the stars for us to reunite but one thing is for sure, I get comic books mailed to me randomly every month; most are of Superman and I know exactly who they are from.

Hi, (26M) here posting to see if anyone has any advice or anything that can help me. I’ve unfortunately have struggled with anxiety since my late teens and early twenties. I’ve had a good couple of years where it felt like it had become almost dormant as I’ve focused solely on myself and living a life of independency. However I feel like I don’t always want to live my life on my own and wish that I could pursue a romantic connection without this overbearing anxiety ruining my chances.
I’ve been on regular medication of Sertraline 100mg for a couple years now which has helped with my emotions and I feel like I’ve been able to go through life in a more monotonous way instead of the strong up and downs I had felt previously. I’ve also had therapy/CBT for a few years (stopped a couple years ago due to scheduling conflicts) and had been taught ways to try counteract the anxiousness I experience however I’ve found it not very useful when put into practice and all goes out the window when I feel it coming on.
The problem seems to occur when I pursue any type of romantic relationship. My anxiety seems to take over to the point where I feel so overwhelmed and filled with the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I find myself violently vomiting to the point where I burst blood vessels in my face and at times spit blood out in my phlegm afterwards. It’s such an unpleasant experience and feels very emasculating when I have to excuse myself from a date or a situation to go and throw my guts up. My mind constantly races and feel like I can’t fully relax.
It’s put me off pursuing anything romantic with anyone. I usually would just accept this and live a single life but I’ve recently started to explore the possibility of a relationship with my best friend (25F) who I’ve been close with for 10 years. We have so much working for us and feel like we could be such a good match if it wasn’t for my anxiety issues holding me back.
Fortunately she’s extremely understanding and patient with me and I’ve been transparent with my issues as I felt like it’s something I can’t hide from her but it’s ruining what should be an exciting journey for us. I just want to not feel overwhelmed around her all the time. When we visit each other my appetite completely disappears and I can go a few days without eating and feel myself losing weight whenever we spend a weekend together only to try put it back on when I’m no longer in her company. It’s tiring on me and I feel like it’s a never ending downward spiral.
I don’t want something like this to have such a hold on my life anymore. I really want to be able to explore a romantic connection with this amazing person and not live a life of solitude anymore. I feel like I can offer more of myself to this person and hate that I feel held back by this.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you if you’ve read this all through, I appreciate it.
TLDR: Anxiety causing me to vomit and lose my appetite. Starting to explore a romantic connection with my best friend but the anxiety is ruining it. What can I do?

Background:

• M25
• Been having symptoms for about 6 years, diagnosed about 5 ago
• With doctors advice I used to take 4 Zyrtec a day and now I take 2 at night and that’s it
• I drink some but like maybe once a week I have 5-8 drinks and 2 more times 1-3, often less.
• I smoke weed decently frequently but that actually usually helps I think due to being antiinflamatory. It happens a decent bit regularly but seems more frequent when I havnt smoked in a while
• I vape, but I’m working on quitting been weaning myself off and I’m in my second to last 1% device
• I’m allergic to a pesticide or something where some fruits and veggies like honey dew, cantaloupe, raspberries, carrots, and a good couple other fruits and veggies make my tongue feel itchy and tingly for like 5 minutes. This ONLY happens when they are raw but no other allergies that I have found and I’ve kept a detailed food journal and went a week and a half without eating any fruits or veggies to test it and I still had flair ups of hives and swelling
• Overall I’m pretty healthy. Work out regularly and monitor my diet because my physique is important to me. I have a dog and walk 10k steps most days. Never really had any significant health issues aside from this

History with this:
I was originally diagnosed with chronic idiopathic urticaria and angiodema, but idiopathic means they don’t know what causes it and now they replaced that word with spontaneous because they think it’s related to an auto immune disorder. Basically what this means is that I randomly get swelling in my face, specifically my eyes and lips and randomly get hives. I often get them where things rub on me like my waistband or my wrist when I’m wearing bracelets or the end of my sleeves. There are triggers like if my sheets are dirty. I sweat a lot in my sleep but literally wash my sheets twice a week more than anyone I know. Stress can make it worse. One weird thing that I have a theory makes it worse is when my vape is burnt the swelling happens more often (one of the MANY reasons I’m quitting). They say it’s not hereditary but my aunt is one of two people I have met in my entire life that has this. Obviously there could be more that just didn’t tell me but most people I’m close with know about it
I get hives pretty often. It used to be damn near constant but now with medicine it’s a couple days a week I’ll get minor ones that go away quickly and maybe every two weeks a bad one. The swelling happens probably 1-2 times a month
What I want to know:

1. What type of doctor would be an absolute expert in this? It took me like 5 doctors to originally get diagnosed. An allergist was the one that figured it out but I also tried a dermatologist, 2 other allergists, and my physician. Is allergist the best or is there someone more specialized?
   
2. Can anyone explain better what causes it? Now that it’s not idiopathic I assume they understand it better but I can only really find either very simple 1 sentence answers or very complex medical answers that I’m struggling to understand
   
3. Does anyone have any experience with this and important insights you’ve found?
   
4. Are there any new treatments availible? Anything I can do? Zyrtec is the best otc antihistamine for me but it still only kinda works
   

Thank you so much for anyone that can help. This is such a major disruption in my life that is constantly happening. I really struggle to leave my house or be productive when the swelling happens but a lot of that is mental. Shits so embarrassing and noticeable

My wife and I dated for 2 years before getting married and we had our moments but then we got married and for some reason things have gotten worse.. Not that I’m in a shitty marriage I’d just wish after all this time that we’ve spent together she’d be more understanding.
I’ve now gotten a better handle on my “tantrums” but still can’t express myself the way I want to. I know what triggers me and I’ve learned how to control my physical outbursts but without it I just go into this catatonic state and leave the situation entirely because I know if I stay it won’t get any better for me.
My wife can’t seem to understand that I need time and space when I feel a overwhelmed and “talking” right after isn’t going to further our conversation, it’ll just make it worse. I don’t have a switch on my body that gives me the option to calm down immediately, I have to take time to do so. I don’t know if anybody else experiences this feeling. But if I’m really upset about something I get this pit in my stomach and I have an immediate reaction to cry and punch. I’m now in a place if I start to feel upset I get quiet and I just walk away. I need to give myself some time to process everything that happened and everything I’m feeling.
My wife on the other hand wants an immediate response or wants me to snap back to happy after being angered. Example; last night, we got food and my wife ate the rest of my food without asking. She then got upset with me because I was upset which only furthered my rage so I went to sleep. Everytime we get like this I have to keep everything to myself because when I try to talk to her about it she takes it as an attack and I’m not understanding if it’s the tone of my voice or situation itself but she try’s to argue with me or she makes no attempt to rectify the situation.
I don’t know how to get her to understand that I’m not just upset that she did it I’m upset that it has happened enough times for it to bother me at this extent. I know she didn’t do it on purpose but her lack of self awareness is starting to agitate me. I want her to understand that I’m upset that I can be considerate enough to ask. I want her to understand that when I make mistakes I at least try to make it right.
I want her to understand that I’m upset that this situation has sent me down a rabbit hole of memories of every situation where she wasn’t considerate of me and I had to act like it didn’t bother me when it did. I’m upset that she’s upset because I’m upset. And this where the meltdown/catatonic state comes in because everything is hitting me at once and I need to process everything I’m feeling before I say or do something I regret.
I don’t know how to talk about anything that bothers me without her taking it as an attack because it’s not just about the food it’s about everything in between, her finishing my food was just the cherry on top. This is an add on to all the other things that she’s done that upset me or made me feel discarded.
How do I talk about anything with her if everything I say comes off as me being upset when I am in fact upset? She takes it as me overreacting even though thats not the case. I’ve been keeping things in and it’s starting to fester. I love her but sometimes wonder if I’d be in a better place mentally if we weren’t together cause I’m getting closer and closer to the point of just giving up.

TW! Suicide
HELP!! Ever since i was 7-8 I have had anxiety, though every year it gets worse and worse. Im at the point where i never go outside and lay in bed all day, rotting away. I have done this for maybe 4 years, though the past 2 years i legit haven’t went outside at all, where as before i would maybe go to the store with my mom or something. I was even homeschooled due to my anxiety. The most embarrassing part is that its all because of the fact that i have to fart/poop when i am anxious. Knowing this, i get even more anxious. Its a snowball effect.
When i did go to school, i would cry and beg my mother to not make me go because of the fact that i would constantly have to fart during class. I never did, i would just hold it in. Even when i did so, my stomach would make loud growling noises that i swear the entire class could hear but idk if they did. When i was finally homeschooled, i stayed inside because i was afraid of having to fart. Yes, even around my family.
But after some traumatic events this anxiety has caused which i cannot go into detail abt, i never want to leave my bed again. Unfortunately, my family is broke and we can’t afford to live in our trailer anymore so we are getting kicked out. My mother can’t afford to buy a home and we don’t wanna keep getting kicked out of homes because we can’t afford rent. So, she decided on getting a camperv for all of us to live in. I thought this trailer was bad, but i cannot imagine having to live in an rv with my family. I get bad anxiety thinking about it, and as im typing i am shaking.
I know i am dramatic for being so afraid of these things, especially around my family, but i don’t think i have any control over it. I just don’t know what i am gonna do. All my life i’ve felt hopeless and isolated from the world. I have even gone so far as to considering suicide multiple times when at my limit. Im just so tired. I don’t wanna live this way, but i am too afraid to get out of my comfort zone or tell anyone.
Im only 15 and i have had no childhood. Its just been me on my device in bed all day long. I don’t even remember anything due to my anxiety sometimes, like most of my childhood. My mom tells me she wishes the old me before my anxiety, though i dont remember it. I wish i could live life like a normal person and not like a freak with my stupid anxiety. Rn all i know i can do to prepare to move into the rv is to not eat which i haven’t for 2 days so far. I am so afraid of getting a stomach ache or diarrhea, especially in a car. I haven’t even been in a car for years, but every time i was in one it would be a terrible experience.
Im writing this to maybe get some reassurance or tips, and to get it off my chest as i am having a mental breakdown. I read some others having a similar issues on here, so i got a bit of courage to share my own story. Srry its long.

Hi, (26M) here posting to see if anyone has any advice or anything that can help me. I’ve unfortunately have struggled with anxiety since my late teens and early twenties. I’ve had a good couple of years where it felt like it had become almost dormant as I’ve focused solely on myself and living a life of independency. However I feel like I don’t always want to live my life on my own and wish that I could pursue a romantic connection without this overbearing anxiety ruining my chances.
I’ve been on regular medication of Sertraline 100mg for a couple years now which has helped with my emotions and I feel like I’ve been able to go through life in a more monotonous way instead of the strong up and downs I had felt previously. I’ve also had therapy/CBT for a few years (stopped a couple years ago due to scheduling conflicts) and had been taught ways to try counteract the anxiousness I experience however I’ve found it not very useful when put into practice and all goes out the window when I feel it coming on.
The problem seems to occur when I pursue any type of romantic relationship. My anxiety seems to take over to the point where I feel so overwhelmed and filled with the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I find myself violently vomiting to the point where I burst blood vessels in my face and at times spit blood out in my phlegm afterwards. It’s such an unpleasant experience and feels very emasculating when I have to excuse myself from a date or a situation to go and throw my guts up. My mind constantly races and feel like I can’t fully relax.
It’s put me off pursuing anything romantic with anyone. I usually would just accept this and live a single life but I’ve recently started to explore the possibility of a relationship with my best friend (25F) who I’ve been close with for 10 years. We have so much working for us and feel like we could be such a good match if it wasn’t for my anxiety issues holding me back.
Fortunately she’s extremely understanding and patient with me and I’ve been transparent with my issues as I felt like it’s something I can’t hide from her but it’s ruining what should be an exciting journey for us. I just want to not feel overwhelmed around her all the time. When we visit each other my appetite completely disappears and I can go a few days without eating and feel myself losing weight whenever we spend a weekend together only to try put it back on when I’m no longer in her company. It’s tiring on me and I feel like it’s a never ending downward spiral.
I don’t want something like this to have such a hold on my life anymore. I really want to be able to explore a romantic connection with this amazing person and not live a life of solitude anymore. I feel like I can offer more of myself to this person and hate that I feel held back by this.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you if you’ve read this all through, I appreciate it.
TLDR: Anxiety causing me to vomit and lose my appetite. Starting to explore a romantic connection with my best friend but the anxiety is ruining it. What can I do?

TW! Suicide
HELP!! Ever since i was 7-8 I have had anxiety, though every year it gets worse and worse. Im at the point where i never go outside and lay in bed all day, rotting away. I have done this for maybe 4 years, though the past 2 years i legit haven’t went outside at all, where as before i would maybe go to the store with my mom or something. I was even homeschooled due to my anxiety. The most embarrassing part is that its all because of the fact that i have to fart/poop when i am anxious. Knowing this, i get even more anxious. Its a snowball effect.
When i did go to school, i would cry and beg my mother to not make me go because of the fact that i would constantly have to fart during class. I never did, i would just hold it in. Even when i did so, my stomach would make loud growling noises that i swear the entire class could hear but idk if they did. When i was finally homeschooled, i stayed inside because i was afraid of having to fart. Yes, even around my family.
But after some traumatic events this anxiety has caused which i cannot go into detail abt, i never want to leave my bed again. Unfortunately, my family is broke and we can’t afford to live in our trailer anymore so we are getting kicked out. My mother can’t afford to buy a home and we don’t wanna keep getting kicked out of homes because we can’t afford rent. So, she decided on getting a camperv for all of us to live in. I thought this trailer was bad, but i cannot imagine having to live in an rv with my family. I get bad anxiety thinking about it, and as im typing i am shaking.
I know i am dramatic for being so afraid of these things, especially around my family, but i don’t think i have any control over it. I just don’t know what i am gonna do. All my life i’ve felt hopeless and isolated from the world. I have even gone so far as to considering suicide multiple times when at my limit. Im just so tired. I don’t wanna live this way, but i am too afraid to get out of my comfort zone or tell anyone.
Im only 15 and i have had no childhood. Its just been me on my device in bed all day long. I don’t even remember anything due to my anxiety sometimes, like most of my childhood. My mom tells me she wishes the old me before my anxiety, though i dont remember it. I wish i could live life like a normal person and not like a freak with my stupid anxiety. Rn all i know i can do to prepare to move into the rv is to not eat which i haven’t for 2 days so far. I am so afraid of getting a stomach ache or diarrhea, especially in a car. I haven’t even been in a car for years, but every time i was in one it would be a terrible experience.
Im writing this to maybe get some reassurance or tips, and to get it off my chest as i am having a mental breakdown. I read some others having a similar issues on here, so i got a bit of courage to share my own story. Srry its long.