Hello, i am going to move recently and have been looking at DTBK. The trouble i'm finding is figuring out which is a good area to live and which buildings are nice. I see a lot of listing for gold street but from what i see it's next to a busy highway so it doesn't seem like a great area to live. Other buildings that seem to be nice are the brooklyner, the ava and addison. I just wanted to know what people think of these buildings and if they have any recommendations? i got about 4k for rent, can be 1 bed or studio. I mainly chose the area as i wanted to be close to all the stations so it makes going to work easier for my girlfriend and I.
Thank you!

Hello. I'm not non - binary but i am a gay male and today i went to have a nice Sunday lunch with my uncle and my aunt. My uncle is my father's brother and since i was little i always viewed him as a second father. I loved him since i can remember. He always loved me like his own kid too. My whole family is extremely religious (greek orthodox) and very traditional and don't approve of everything lgbtq. When my parents found out that i like men a few years ago we had issues for a long time. Then i moved away in the country capital and everything was better. My only relatives close to me here are my uncle and my aunt where i go for a family meal every one or two weeks.
So yeah i went to my uncle, we were cooking and drinking coffee. I always kept personal things to me just because i knew my uncle wouldn't understand and when we discussed about everything else, he was very open and informative. Keep in mind that i always adored him like a superhero. Then i asked a simple question "Did you watch Eurovision?". He immediately said that it was great that he didn't because there was this "demon witch with the pentagram". I understand that a pentagram can scare an orthodox but i never expected what came next:

• Ok i understand, but the winner song was amazing. Such an amazing voice.
• No, it was disgusting. They try to provoke us and pass this "neutral gender thing" as a fashion and they hurt the children of the next generation.
• But they don't try to force it on anybody, they just try to express themselves. I have even met people like them and you have no idea what they struggle with. Some even "end themselves" and that's sad.
• Well, they better end themselves than show us these things. They try to force all these anomalies. All these people are followers of Satan etc etc etc

I understand that he may not understand or like the LGBT, he doesn't have to, but people, the momment he talked about how they should end themselves, i started panicking. I myself struggled with these thoughts and had many difficulties for many years. I have received a lot of support from friends, boyfriends and my sister. But hearing all these mean, inhumane things from a "christian orthodox that preaches love" was devastating to me. Funny thing is he "didn't want to hear a single word about it" but he kept talking to himself over and over as long as the words weren't coming from me. I went out to the balcony alone to try and relax. I was shaking. It was not that i was sad for me as an lgbt who previously wanted to end his life. I was sad that my childhood hero said mean things like these to people who just tried to find themselves. I found it unfair how Nemo grabbed the mic and preached for love and unity as a "satan follower" and the "god follower" wished death upon people. That moment i decided that even if it would hurt my uncle, i would pack and go back home for the day. My uncle said he wanted to talk but i was already packing. I know that maybe i should have stayed and talked but i was scared, sad and didn't have the courage to sit and eat or talk with him. When i was leaving he told me that "i was making him sad and that what i was doing was not right". I replied "you shouldn't go to sacrament (i had to google that) next Sunday in church". I left. I was shaking and crying all the way back.
The internet is a dark place. I know that here i might get some amazing tips about what to do next, a few discussions but also some mean things. Some people will hate the fact that a gay man tried to defend a non binary person. I mean, if people want to be mean to me they will find a way. Still, i felt the need to defend you people, even if it means ruining the relationship with my family members. I hope that i did the right thing. Even if i don't manage to get any more tips about what i should do next, the fact that i took all these thoughts out of my chest and expressed myself makes me feel relieved already. Thank you for reading my story.
P.S: Please don't show a lot of hate to my uncle :)

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America

Unique Ability

Founding Fathers

• (Base Game only) Accumulate Government legacy bonuses in half the usual number of turns
• (R&F, GS) All Diplomatic policy slots are converted into Wildcard policy slots
• (GS only) +1 Diplomatic Favor per turn for each Wildcard policy slot in the current government

Starting Bias: Grassland & Plains Mountains (Tier 3); Desert & Tundra Mountains (Tier 5)

• Starting Bias only applies when Teddy Roosevelt Persona Pack is enabled

Unique Unit

P-51 Mustang

• Basic Attributes
  • Unit type: Air Fighter
  • Requirement: Advanced Flight tech
  • Replaces: Fighter
• Cost
  • 520 Production cost (Standard Speed)
  • (GS) 1 Aluminum resource
• Maintenance
  • 7 Gold per turn
  • (GS) 1 Aluminum resource per turn
• Base Stats
  • 105 Combat Strength
  • 105 Ranged Strength
  • 5 Attack Range
  • 10 Movement
  • 4 Sight Range
• Unique Attributes
  • +5 Combat Strength against Air Fighters
  • Earns +50% more experience points
• Differences from Replaced Unit
  • +5 Combat Strength and Ranged Strength
  • +2 Movement
  • Unique attributes

Rough Rider
(Only available to certain leaders)

• Basic Attributes
  • Unit type: Heavy Cavalry
  • Requirement: Rifling tech
  • Replaces: Cuirassier
• Cost
  • 385 Production (Standard Speed)
• Maintenance
  • 2 Gold per turn
• Base Stats
  • 67 Combat Strength
  • 5 Movement
  • 2 Sight range
• Bonus Stats
  • Ignores enemy zone of control
• Unique Attributes
  • +10 Combat Strength when fighting on Hills
  • Earns Culture from kills while in the same continent as the Capital
• Differences from Replaced Unit
  • +55 Production cost (Standard Speed)
  • Does not require resources
  • -3 Gold maintenance per turn
  • Unique attributes

Unique Infrastructure

Film Studio

• Basic Attributes
  • Infrastructure type: Building
  • Requirement: Radio tech
  • Replaces: Broadcast Center
• Cost
  • (Base Game, R&F) 580 Production cost (Standard Speed)
  • (GS) 440 Production cost (Standard Speed)
• Maintenance
  • 3 Gold per turn
• Base Effects
  • (Base Game, R&F) +4 Culture
  • (GS) +2 Culture
  • +1 Great Artist points per turn
  • +2 Great Musician points per turn
  • +1 Citizen slot
  • +1 Great Work of Music slot
• (GS) Powered Effects
  • Base Load: 3 Power
  • +4 Culture when Powered
• Unique Attributes
  • +100% Tourism pressure from this city towards other civilizations starting from the Modern Era onwards
• Restrictions
  • Must be buit on a Theater Square district with an Arts Museum or Archaeological Museum
• Differences from Replaced Infrastructure
  • Unique attributes

Leader: Teddy Roosevelt (Default)

• Replaced by Bull Moose and Rough Rider personas when Teddy Roosevelt Persona Pack is enabled

Leader Ability

Roosevelt Corollary

• Units gain +5 Combat Strength in the same continent as the Capital
• +1 Appeal to all tiles in a city with a National Park
• Gain the Rough Rider unique unit

Agenda

Big Stick Policy

• Likes civilizations that have a city in his home continent
• Dislikes civilizations that start wars in his home continent

Leader: Teddy Roosevelt (Bull Moose)

• Required DLC: New Frontier Pass or Teddy Roosevelt Persona Pack

Leader Ability

Antiquities and Parks

• Breathtaking tiles gain additional bonuses when adjacent to specific tiles
  • +2 Science when adjacent to a Natural Wonder or Mountain tiles
  • +2 Culture when adjacent to a World Wonder or Woods tiles
• +1 Appeal to all tiles in a city with a National Park

Agenda

The Bull Moose

• Attempts to settle near tiles with high Appeal and build districts and wonders to maximize Appeal
• Likes civilizations with many high Appeal territories
• Dislikes civilizations with many low Appeal territories

Leader: Teddy Roosevelt (Rough Rider)

Leader Ability

• Required DLC: New Frontier Pass or Teddy Roosevelt Persona Pack

Roosevelt Corollary

• Units gain +5 Combat Strength in the same continent as the Capital
• Each Envoy sent to city-states that has a Trade Route with America counts as two Envoys
• Gain the Rough Rider unique unit

Agenda

Big Stick Policy

• Likes civilizations that have a city in his home continent
• Dislikes civilizations that start wars in his home continent

Leader: Abraham Lincoln

Leader Ability

• Required DLC: Great Negotiators Pack or Leader Pass

Emancipation Proclamation

• Industrial Zones grant +2 Amenities
• (R&F, GS) Industrial Zones grant +3 Loyalty per turn
• (R&F, GS) Plantation improvements reduce 2 Loyalty per turn
• Receive a free Melee unit upon constructing Industrial Zones and their buildings
  • Free units do not require resources to create or maintain
  • Free units receive +5 Combat Strength

Agenda

Preserver of the Union

• Likes civilizations that have the same government as him
• Dislikes civilizations that have a different government as him, especially governments forms of the same era

Civilization-related Achievements

• Let Teddy Win — Win a regular game as Teddy Roosevelt
• Addressing Gettysburg — Win a regular game as Abraham Lincoln
• 100th Anniversary — As America, make a National Park each of Crater Lake, and both tiles of Yosemite in one game
• A Man A Plan A Canal Panama — Build the Panama Canal as Teddy Roosevelt
• Pizza Party — Activate Leonardo da Vinci in New York housing Great Works from Michelangelo and Donatello, and a Sewer built in the city

Useful Topics for Discussion

• What do you like or dislike about this civilization?
• How easy or difficult is this civ to use for new players?
• What are the victory paths you can go for with this civ?
• What are your assessments regarding the civ's abilities?
  • How well do they synergize with each other?
  • How well do they compare to other similar civ abilities, if any?
  • Do you often use their unique units and infrastructure?
• Can this civ be played tall or should it always go wide?
• What map types, game mode, or setting does this civ shine in?
• What synergizes well with this civ? You may include the following:
  • Terrain, resources and natural wonders
  • World wonders
  • Government type, legacy bonuses and policies
  • City-state type and suzerain bonuses
  • Governors
  • Great people
  • Secret societies
  • Heroes & legends
  • Corporations
• Have the civ's general strategy changed since the latest update(s)?
• How do you deal against this civ if controlled by the player or the AI?
• Are there any mods that can make playing this civ more interesting?
• Do you have any stories regarding this civ that you would like to share?

There’s 2 major points of context I need to share to help you understand where I’m coming from.
The first is that my dad and I have never had a great relationship. When I was young I never felt like I was “man enough” for him. He always worked manual labor and would build things around the house. I was a really passive kid who clung to my mom and came to rely on her as my role model for how a person should act. And I relied on her even more when my dad started traveling for work. We’d see him maybe 5-6 times a month when he wouldn’t really engage with us and there would be constant screaming matches with my mom, and later my sisters. And before you think to ask yes, there were multiple affairs. At least 5 my mom found out about and most likely a lot more. I saw how that impacted my mom and it made a huge impact on me and my feelings towards relationships. They got divorced eventually and my mom, like the saint she is, had the lawyer file it as an ‘amicable’ divorce. No blame was placed on anyone, no fault was assigned, no custody battle was waged. She had them split the assets and the debts 50/50 and walk away completely free and clear. It was benevolence that my dad frankly didn’t deserve.
As I got older, and he got older, things started to improve between us. He wasn’t really good at guiding and teaching a child but he was great at meeting me as an equal. He readily saw me as an adult, a responsible man. Someone he could converse with honestly and openly. We were working on getting on better terms. (He’s a stubborn 1960s kid with some more conservative views than me but nothing bigoted.)
Which leads to the second context point and the real linchpin of my issue. My mom passed away just over a year ago. She’d been battling cancer a long time so it wasn’t out of the blue but it just left me broken for months. Her estate is beginning to settle (aka payout to her debtors, allow transfer of ownership of her house, etc.) and I found out that my dad put a claim against her estate. A claim for his half of the credit card debt he and my mom amicably spilt in the divorce and he has since paid off.
This absolutely fucking incensed me like nothing else I have ever experienced. The amount of money is relatively small and not the issue at hand. What I cannot stand is the idea that he thinks he is owed this money from her estate (literally her cold, dead hands) when she isn’t here to fight him anymore. He was given such a clean break from the marriage when my mom could have saddled him with all the credit card debt, all the mortgage debt, all the car payments, all the student debt, demanded alimony, she could have buried him if she wasn’t such a better person than him. And even now, with her dead and gone, he just has to pick at her a little more, make himself out to be the victim in all this who was so unfairly saddled with this credit card bill. A credit card that paid for me and my siblings to take dance classes, and buy soccer cleats, and cheerleading outfits none of which he ever bothered to be around for!
Obviously when I’m mad it’s easy to think “yeah fuck him” but at the end of the day it is just money. My family tree has gotten so thin in the last few years I don’t want to lose both my parents before I’m 30. I just don’t know if this is even a reasonable response and I think some unbiased 3rd parties might be needed.
Thank you for reading all this, just typing it out helps.

We are two daughters of our parents. My father is a business man. He has always been dominating and had the audacity to raise hand on my mother. He had that arrogance of providing us with food and stuff. Though he gave us good education, he was very restrictive and strict. There was no TV, we were not allowed to go out with our friends, we were not allowed to invite our friends at home too and much more. I am a younger one. I use to be good in studies. I use to be an obedient child and always made sure to make my parents proud. On the contrary, my elder sister was average in studies. Even there were 1000 restrictions on us, my sister did some blunders in past like bunk school or having male friends (which obviously we were not allowed to at all). She once was caught with a phone (it was her friend's phone) when she was in 10th class and my mother beat her so bad. She promised that she needs to mend her ways otherwise she will tell our dad. But my sister got so scared that she attempted suicide. But by god's grace, she was saved. I just can't forget that day. This way you might get a glimpse at what level we were afraid of him. My mother never raised voice against my father even after physical abuse. I remember the days when i use to sit outside their room for hours and hours during night with a pillow as they use to fight. I use to be scared what if something happens wrong, though i never has the courage to stop them. I thought that this might be disrespectful. Many nights i just use to sit outside their room with a pillow and when they get to sleep, i use to go back to my room and sleep. When I was 17-18 years old, my father made a plan to thailand with this friends. We were not so happy as we also wanted to go for a trip. Anyhow, not seeing our reaction, he planned. Our mother never had an issue with this as our father use to bribe her with some gold or something (she was fond of jewelry). Also, he never treated our mother right (especially during trips-physical abuse or marital rape we can say) so she use to avoid going out. I myself sensed this thing many times. I use to share bed with them when any relatives use to come to our place. I use to sense him asking for sex and then my mother denying. He use to hold her from neck and that use to rip me apart but i never had the courage to stop him. So yeah, he travelled to thailand and cam back home. One fine day, he asked me and my sister to delete our the unnecessary photos and videos from him phone. I took the phone and started deleting. The next thing i saw was a video and i trembled. We saw a video of my father dancing with a girl in a hotel room. I WAS JUST SO SCARED. Phone fell from my hand. It was a long video, but i only saw 5-6 secs of it. Me and my sister deleted the video and never told anyone about it. We ourselves also never discussed it with anyone. My father use to click pictures with air hostesses and some random girls that he met in thailand. He use to post those pictures as no one had the courage to say him anything on this face. Punjabi people, especially men find it very normal but not normal if any women does it. Years passed, my sister turned 23. One day my sister got caught with a boy in a hotel room. She told that she had a bf who was 5-6 elder from him and was involved in a travel agency job. He belonged to a service class family, average looking and middle class background. My father refused. He met the guy and was not happy. Proper blackmailing like you broke my trust, how can you find a bf, it is our responsibility to find one for you etc started. She was tortured. She was made sit at home for one year. All household work was done by her and she was always taunted. They turned everything hell for her. I also was not able to do anything as I had no idea how could i help. Even i didn't had that mind to understand if she was right or no. When she turned 24-25, marriage talks popped up. My father found a rich business class guy for her. We all were happy and she got married in two months. Thankfully it turned out good for her that she got to get out from this home. I started having problem with my father here. He use to pretend such a nice guy infront of everyone. He use to portray that he is the nicest man and can do anything for her family. Though deep inside we were aware he is the worst person who beats up his wife, makes every little thing work as per his own choice, does not give a fuck about his daughters and does not respect. Every other person started thinking that he is such a gentleman and my mother is arrogant which was not true. My father is a business man and knows how to talk in a group of people and how to pretend. My mother on other hand, is introvert, so some might think of her as an arrogant person. He started gifting expensive stuff to my sister's in laws place to make himself look good. And when we use to ask for money and stuff, he never gave us enough to meet our needs. We always use to compromise. Never wore brand or never went to good place for dinners etc but they were gifted brands, thousand and lakhs of money were given to them, though they never demanded and always use to say no to those gifts. At this stage, my age came of getting married. And my perspective for my father changed. Whenever my marriage talk popped up, it use to scare the shit out of me. I started thinking what if my partner turned out to be just like my father. What i will do where will i go and how will i manage everything. Because i was aware once i get married, there is no turning back. I have to make that marriage work no matter what happens. My parents will never support me or take me back if my partner turns out to be bad. They will ask me to accept it saying it is your destiny. When it comes to marriage, every girl try to sees her father's characteristics in her to be husband. And when i use to imagine, i started running away from the word of marriage. I just got scared that every other men is like him who is dominating, disrespectful and raise his hands on his wives. I tried to escape from it saying i want to pursue my studies. On the other hand, I met a wonderful guy. I never thought i would fall for a guy like him. He is a goofy guy with a good heart. He is a senior manager in a government bank. The man of my dreams, i never ever met guy in my life who was so nice and kind to talk. Though i had few male friends, i never felt like that for them. I opened my heart and my mind infront of him. I shared everything with him, even those things which i never use to think of alone or which use to scare the shit out of me. Now the problems comes. He is basically from Himachal Pradesh, further from a small town, a very simple family. Our teva also doesn't matches. We belong to a upper business class family. I talked about this with my father and mother and my god, it turned out so bad. He threatened me saying he will boycott me and ask my sister and other relatives too to cut me off. I don't want to lose touch with my sister as she is the only one who i have. She also cannot do anything for me. I love him alot and we cannot live without each other. My sister's husband is nice but he will also not approve of him because he also has that richie rich mentality. I don't have anyone's support and now i feel suicidal. I don't know what to do and where to go #pleasehelp

Jared Goff is money in a clean pocket. His clean-pocket IQR* (adjusted passer rating) of 115.8 led all quarterbacks last year. But when he is under pressure, which happens about 33% of the time, he falls apart. His IQR under pressure dips by 51 points to 64.3. His clean-to-pressure drop was the largest in the league last season. *IQR is Sports Info Solutions’ proprietary quarterback metric that builds on the traditional Passer Rating formula by considering the value of a quarterback independent of results outside of his control such as dropped passes, dropped interceptions, throwaways, etc.
Goff didn’t have the worst IQR under pressure, he just had the worst delta because his clean-pocket rating was so good. The lowest IQR under pressure was Daniel Jones with an adjusted passer rating (IQR) of 26.8. Because his clean-pocket IQR was so abysmal (71.3), he only had the third worst clean-to-pressure drop, despite his league-low 26.8 IQR under pressure. To make matters worse, Jones was under pressure 44.8% of the time, 2nd worst in the league, behind teammate Tyrod Tayor (46.1%). In fact, the top three worst pressure rates in the NFL belong the all three Giants (Jones, Taylor and Devito who is tied for 3rd with J.Fields)
On the flip side we have Joe Burrow, who actually had a higher rating when pressured vs a clean pocket. Burrow's IQR was 105.0 under pressure last year, 14 points better than his clean-pocket rating of 90.8. Burrow’s clean-to-pressure increase leads the league, but there are a few other QBs in 2023 who had a higher rating under pressure than with a clean pocket. J.Burrow, D.Prescott, L.Jackson, R.Wilson, B.Purdy and D.Ridder all had a higher IQR with pressure. One of these guys is different than the others, and that’s Ridder. He only has a higher IQR under pressure, because he stinks in a clean pocket as well. He is bad at both (clean 74.8, pressure 76.6).
Under pressure, Lamar Jackson (114.6 IQR) and Dak Prescott (114.1) are better than every QB’s clean-pocket IQR except for Goff. And both of their pressure IQRs would rank 1 and 2 in the NFL against all quarterbacks total IQR.

This chart compares each quarterback’s IQR in a clean pocket to their IQR under pressure.

https://preview.redd.it/cdw0k5blkd1d1.png?width=872&format=png&auto=webp&s=ae55af09cea87cb69006f776c3720b9c7ae99bd5

This chart segments quarterbacks into quadrants based on how often they are under pressure and what their pressure IQR is.

https://preview.redd.it/fhvciwxpkd1d1.png?width=915&format=png&auto=webp&s=c3f41f4eb1d9330d96ac32aeb2f4b3bddb04bbde
Notes:
All data, and splits are from Sports Info Solutions (subscription based)
The minimum attempts used were 100 attempts in a clean pocket + 50 attempts under pressure
Pressure includes pressure inside AND outside of the pocket. QBs also have some attempts outside of the pocket with no pressure, that data is not included here.
The deltas are not rankings of QBs. There are great QBs with a high clean-to-pressure gap, and there are great players with a low or inverse clean-to-pressure gap. There are also poor QBs on both ends of the scale. A QB who is shitty with a clean pocket and shitty under pressure will have a minimal gap.
Also, Passer Rating or IQR adjusted passer rating isn’t a be-all-end-all metric. Sack avoidance, running, success rate, etc are not a part of this. As with any single stat, IQR has benefits and flaws. I’m only analyzing how well QBs pass in these two categories, not overall effectiveness.

I always found my grandmother to be an enigma, living alone in her old Victorian house on the outskirts of town. When she passed away, I inherited the house and all its contents. Eager to escape my mundane life, I moved in immediately, drawn by the mystery of the place.
The house was just as I remembered from childhood visits: dark wood paneling, intricate wallpaper, and an overwhelming sense of history. But the attic intrigued me the most. My grandmother had always forbidden me from going up there, but now, the house was mine to explore.
The attic was dusty and filled with old trunks and boxes. Among them, I found a peculiar journal bound in cracked leather. It belonged to my great-great-grandfather, who had been a renowned occultist. The entries detailed strange rituals and experiments, but one, in particular, stood out: a ritual to communicate with the dead.

Whatever you do, never drink to cure a mental issue.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Gillab, Gojid Citizen, Father
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 28, 2142
I made sure to wake up as early as possible so I could do what I needed to do before Billy woke up. First things first, get rid of all the liquor in that fridge. If Billy was going to get better, the first thing he needed to do was stop drinking. He was only running from his problems and as long as he had that out he was going to take it.
I pulled a trash bag in front of the fridge, propped it open as best I could, and started stuffing it full of bottles. Cheap Venlilian liquor was being poured down the drain by the second, it almost made me feel bad for anything living in the sewers. This stuff had enough alcohol in it to kill someone, a rat would be dead in seconds.
By the time I poured the last bottle down the drain, I had probably sanitized the entirety of the New York sewer system. I hoisted the bag onto my back, making sure not to break the bag with my quills, and started to make my way to the dumpster. Thankfully Billy’s apartment was on the first floor so the journey wasn’t too long.
I tossed the bag into the dumpster carelessly, causing a few of the bottles to break when they hit the others that had been thrown in yesterday. It was only the second day, but I felt like we had already made some progress. I was able to make him admit he was just scared of feeling the pain of his memories, even if it was only accidental. Small steps were still steps, now all I had to do was make him realize that he didn’t deserve this. I have a feeling that once he jumps that hurdle, everything should come much easier.
A familiar song brought me out of my thoughts, drawing my attention to my phone. I had changed the ringtone to the first Human song I had ever heard, T-Shirt, to always remind me of my time on the Cradle. I pulled out my phone and accepted the call, smiling as I saw just who it was.
“High sweety, having a good morning?”
The camera shook up and down in sync with my daughter's face. “Yeah, but I wish you were here.”
“Oh sweety, I know you do, but I have some important work to do and I can’t come home. Just know that I will always love you. Now you have a good day at school, you hear?”
“Mmhm, I will. Here’s mommy.”
The camera shook again as it passed from my daughter’s claws to my wife’s. In the background, I could hear the chitter of my daughter’s voice and then rapid footsteps away. When the camera stopped shaking, I was met by the most beautiful woman in existence.
“Hello, Sweet-fruit.”
Kirala smiled and tilted her head. “Hello, my big guolo tree. I missed you this morning.”
“I missed you too. I had to sleep on an uncomfortable couch and I think it messed up my back a bit.”
“Oh, how the mighty veteran is felled! Surviving a plasma wound to the chest but felled by the mightier couch.”
I flicked an ear in amusement. “To be fair, it was one vicious couch.”
I couldn’t help but melt at her laugh, it was like sunshine during the darkest night. It was light and cheerful and genuine, and I couldn’t imagine myself living without it.
With a final few chuckles, Kirala pulled herself together enough to respond. “Well, it sounds like you need to wear some armor to bed then.”
I feigned a thoughtful expression. “Maybe I will, I already sleep with clothes on.”
She threw her head back in disgust. “Ugh, I still don’t know how you do that. I still feel a little uncomfortable when I wear them when I’m awake, I couldn’t imagine sleeping with them.”
“It’s an acquired taste, you’ll come around.”
“Mmhm, I’m suuure.”
I sighed. “How’s Julaly doing?”
“Well, she misses you, obviously, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. She was good yesterday, but we both wished you had given us a little more of a warning. I didn’t expect your little trip to the memorial to turn into an impromptu therapy session.”
“Sweet-fruit, you know I wish I could have too. It was sprung on me just as much as you. I’m just glad I found him when I did, do you know what I found in his room? A suicide note.”
Kirala gasped slightly. “Oh dear I… I really-”
“It’s fine. I didn’t know either. But just think, if I had come back for just one day, he would be dead. I made the right call here, even if I was torn at the time.”
“You need to get back to him then.”
“I’ve got a little longer. He’s still asleep. I was throwing away some alcohol when you called me, and when I get some free time I’m going to go to the nearby bars and tell them not to serve him. Today I’m thinking I’ll try and get him to go to a veterans’ meeting so he can connect with some others like him, let him know he’s not alone and it’s not just me who cares about him.”
“Still, you should go back to him. And stay safe. He sounds unstable, just keep an eye on him.”
“Sweet-fruit, he’s not dangerous.”
“You don’t know what’s going on in his head. Promise me you will stay safe.”
“I promise.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I promise with all of my heart that I will stay safe.”
“Good, now get back to it. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
The call blinked out and left me staring at my home screen. It was true that I missed them both dearly, even a day without them left me longing, but I knew what I was doing was right. Billy needed someone to save him, and I was the only one available. Kirala was right, I needed to get back to it. I couldn’t leave Billy alone for too long, it would only end in disaster.
As soon as the door clicked open, Billy descended upon me. “Gillab, what did you do?! Where’s the liquor?!”
I stepped past him and made my way to the living room. “I threw it all away. You were poisoning yourself and I needed to put an end to it.”
Billy was stunned for a moment. “You fucking- GILLAB! Get the FUCK out of my house!”
“I’m not going anywhere! Not until you heal!”
Billy looked back and forth, raising his arms in frustration. “What the FUCK does that even mean?! You keep spouting this fucking ‘healing’ word like it’s some catch-all miracle wonder word that means everything!”
“I mean, you need to come to terms with what you’ve done, accept them, and move on! Otherwise, you are just going to rot in this room for all eternity. You are so much better than this, and you know it. You are strong enough to carry on, and you know this. You know, deep down, that you don’t deserve this life. But you are stuck thinking that you do! I saw you at the memorial and I literally didn’t recognize you, remember? That is how much you have changed, but it doesn’t have to stay like this. You can end the pain, and not in that way, all you have to do is trust me. And not just say that you do.”
I paused for a moment to catch my breath. “You said that you would go through the motions for me, right? This is just another motion. The next one is to find other veterans who are or have been through what you have and talk to them. They will make you realize that you aren’t trash or a parasite or any of that! It’s just another motion, right?”
Billy growled and stormed towards me. “You are on thin fucking ice right now.”
“Good. It means you care. Now sit down, we are going to set up a meeting with a group of veterans.”
“I don’t want to go meet some fucking soldier. I’m fine without that.”
“It’s just the motions, right? Humor me.”
With a deep sigh, Billy sat in the chair across from me. That was all I needed to see to confirm it, Billy really did want help, he just couldn’t even admit it to himself.
“You still haven’t given me your promised speech from yesterday. The hour-long one about how much I don’t deserve what I’m doing to myself.”
“Oh trust me, it’s coming. But right now we are going to set up a date for you to meet a veterans’ group. After that, let’s clean up a little more, get some food, maybe go for a walk in a park, then you’ll get the speech. Okay?”
Billy rolled his eyes and waited for me to pull up a website. After a bit of scrolling, I found a phone number I could call to find a meeting time. I prepared everything and set the phone on the table, but didn’t call yet.
“Okay Billy, I’m leaving this up to you. All you have to do is say your name and ask for a time you can come to the meeting.”
“Why can’t you set it up for me?”
“That’s not how it works. You need to be the one that calls them, not me. Plus, I don’t think they would accept me signing you up. The person coming has to be the one to set it up. Are you ready?”
Billy sighed. “Yeah.”
I called the number, set the phone on a table between Billy and I, and waited. After a few rings, a man began to speak.
“Hello, you have reached Richard’s group therapy for veterans, how can I help you?”
Billy looked up to me for guidance, to which I only motioned for him to speak to the man. “H-hi Richard, m-my name is Billy. I was… wondering if I-I could join your next meeting.”
“Oh course, we are always open for more. You didn’t even need to call, you could have just shown up at the meeting. We accept anyone and everyone at any time. Our next meeting is tomorrow at noon if you are available. If not, the next one is that same day at six-thirty.”
Billy glanced at me twice before giving his answer. “The… six-thirty one sounds good.”
He was pushing it back as much as he could, but at least he would get to it eventually. There was some quiet clacking in the background before the man responded. “Great, I’ve reserved you a seat. I’m happy to have you join us. Is there anything else you need?”
“No, that’s all. See you tomorrow.”
Billy set his phone down and sighed deeply. His face quickly changed from concerned and awkward to angry and annoyed. I could see him prepare to say something, but it ended up dying in his throat. Instead, he stood up suddenly and stomped back to his room, wanting to be left alone.

Rookie here. What online company is the best to buy gold coins from? Are coins more/less valuable as the little mini bricks? Last question, should I buy now or should I wait for the price of gold to come back down from this peak? Any help is greatly appreciated.

We met in December through social media from the same area. I was in a place at that time after having 2 2 year relationships that ended when I was 21, I was ready to be open if something came along. I was single for 8 years. Initially I wasn’t 100% bought in on her. The lifestyle she portrayed on social media gave off the vibe she was like a fancy influencer which I’m not a fan of. Had a bit of a social media presence. I had one myself for a few years but pulled back because I realized it wasn’t for me knowing the mental health effects of it. I expressed that I don’t care for social media anymore and want a low key life. She seemed cool though so I pursued it. Off the bat our convos were deep. She was reading our comparability. And then I took her out. First date she was already saying she was admiring me and obsessed with me. Found out later she texted a friend on the side and said she was going to marry me. She traveled for this social media stuff almost every weekend. She also had her real job. I still didn’t see this going anywhere due to her circumstances but I was interested after the date however I wasn’t 100% bought in. Thinking back now, I think maybe my gut was telling me not to pursue.
I was supposed to run a marathon in another state and she said she wanted to fly down (second time meeting) and spend the weekend with me. She did and that’s when it started. I learned all her trauma. Everything moved so quickly that weekend. No relationship with family, father was a drug addict and left, mother was BPD and bipolar and so was the sister. Kicked her out at a young age was couch surfing for years. Never had a stable home. Didn’t seem to have any long term friends. Told me she had went to therapy and was all good but also told me she has fear of abandonment and ptsd. I thought she was squared away though and gave the benefit of the doubt. We already discussing futures together and the lovebombing started. Saying things to me no one’s ever said or noticed. Long story short she traveled almost every weekend for the next month and a half and i really wasn’t a fan of it. Aside from not liking the influencer stuff, it was just not the type of relationship I was looking for. Never being able to plan. Only spending a couple hours during the week because we worked opposite schedules. This went on for the first 2 months. She was supposed to travel the first 3 weeks in March but wound up telling me she’s having an identity crisis. Wants to stop traveling wants to stop on social media. It’s bad for her mental health she used it as a distraction bc she had nothing else and now being with me she has a different perspective on life and has a reason to be home. She also said she used it for validation for herself bc her family never gave it to her and people only praised her for her success and i was the first person to love her for who she is. I thought that was awesome and wanted the best for her because she told me how bad it was affecting her. She canceled all her upcoming trips and was bought in on living present, pulling back from being on her phone because she was addicted to it and just enjoying life. Would constantly express to me how much healthier she is, eating more, sleeping better etc. told everyone she knew the same thing. She’d express how she used to “self sabotage” with all this work. I would always say don’t do anything unless you truly want to and she’d emphasize how she felt this way before me, I just gave her a different perspective on life and she doesn’t want to bury herself in work anymore because she doesn’t have a reason to distract herself.
This is when the clingy stuff started. She wanted to be with me every second of every day which for some reason i didn’t see as bad at first. She started getting separation anxiety when I’d go to work and constantly fear that i was going to just abandon her. She’d take things and small jokes so seriously and somehow link it to me subliminally meaning i was going to leave her. If i wasn’t all over her in the morning she took it personal. We’d wind up in arguments of me explaining what i meant and it would either end with her insisting i take her emotions into account or she’d apologize but blame it on her past and fear of abandonment. I found myself completely losing myself constantly going above and beyond to show her how much i loved her and wasn’t going to leave her. Taking off of work spending time with her buying her things and also just constantly telling her and showing her love. It was never enough because when she had these spirals it was all forgotten about. Got to the point i was living with her basically and couldn’t go home and see my family without her coming.
Dealing with this for about 2 months fast forward to 3 weeks ago. A girl she met through social media deaded her out of nowhere and told her something she said she didn’t like. She remembered last time she spoke to her she was saying how she was pulling back from social media because it was bad for her mental health and how happy she is actually having a life outside of work and thinks this girl took that personal because social media is her life. She was upset but didn’t seem to distraught. I gave logical reasoning like If she can drop you like this clearly she’s not someone important. I kept reassuring her she doesn’t need someone like that. If she was a real friend she’d be happy for you. I made jokes about it that made her laugh. What i didn’t know until one night she was crying was that it triggered the abandonment issues and she was down another spiral and associating it with me leaving. Once i saw it was a big trigger i tried to really console her. Show her love and affection and be there for her. Everything seemed fine until a couple of days later. We woke up, i was tired maybe a little quiet (i really don’t know I’m blaming myself) and we were talking like normal. She kept asking me what’s wrong and i kept saying nothing nothing. I wound up leaving for work and i texted her. She was being very short with me until she just didn’t answer. Me thinking ok she’s busy at work no big deal. Normally she would check in during the day at work. She didn’t. I was still like okay no problem until i saw she was checking social media. So after the entire day passes without hearing from her i finally reach out and was like what’s the issue. She claimed she was busy but i said ok you were checking social media and im sure if you were to screen shot your texts you were texting other people and i was the only one ignored bc she was always on her phone(not actually saying send me your texts, I’ve never done that). She said that rubbed her the wrong way and we need to have a conversation. We hopped on the phone and BOOM everything came out. She needed me and i wasn’t there for her to comfort her i made jokes about it and didn’t take it seriously (i was there for her but didn’t realize the extent of why it was bothering her until she told me and i did everything i could to make her happy) then she started bringing up how she lost herself since she’s been with me. She can’t post on social media freely anymore because she feels like im going to judge her even though it was her who made the decision to pull back and praised how much of great decision it was(not to mention she never stopped posting 3 times a day regardless of everything she said) I went to her place and all my stuff was out and ready to go. We spoke again and the same things came up. I don’t like social media and was pulling back myself so that means i don’t support her and how i wasn’t there for her emotionally. It was literally just a big mind f. Brought up like 2 or 3 other completely random things as well as excuses as to why she was leaving again contradicting things she’s said or done. Anytime i would bring up but what about this and when i did this or said this or how you said this it was like deflected and didn’t matter. What matters is what she is perceiving and that’s it. Like I’m this horrible person who did nothing for her.
At first I blamed myself since this happened because I really don’t know what more i could’ve done. I reached out to someone who I’m friends with who knew her growing up and they told me that it seems like a reoccurring thing with her past friend ships and relationships that they all just ended randomly. It really messed with my head and I didn’t know how to deal with it. She isn’t diagnosed with anything as far as i know but it’s been brought to my attention about the BPD stuff and reading this forum a lot of the things are very familiar.
I know I’m not perfect but after years of not wanting to commit to anyone or open up i finally did and i really meant how i felt for her and it hurt me so much that i could just be discarded like that. But I’ve learned what it is and am accepting it for what it is. I’m not a codependent person normally, never have been. But somehow fell into this savior role. I truly just cared for her and thought that maybe she had a bad upbringing but we can make the next chapters happy. I truly had good intentions. Been NC for almost 3 weeks now. Would never reach out i really don’t care how much it hurt. I have a great support system and a lot to look forward to. There’s good days and bad days but the bad days are getting less and less. I think back and I recall how uneasy I felt the whole time. I thought maybe it was me. But I truly think I just always suspected something wasn’t right.
Just wanted to tell my story and see if anyone had any advice or could relate in anyway.

This hell started for me 2.5 years ago with Covid. I came down pretty bad and presented with CFS / ME symptoms - crushing fatigue, Fluey feeling, brainfog, vertigo, POTS. After 2 years of wading through that route, I tested positive for Bartonella, Borellia amongst a host of co infections like HSV, EBV etc. i remember having a tick bite as a late teen (although never got it seen to - ffs WHY), and all my adult life I’ve definitely been weaker than friends, fatigued, bad immune system, couldn’t tolerate working out, joints swelling that the rheumatologisy couldn’t explain. So I am thinking I probably had Lyme for 10+ years kept vaguely in check by my body, unleashed by Covid
I started IV via a picc line this week. On my second day of Azithro I started vomiting for 20 hours, 0 sleep, 2 anti sickness drips later I finally could eat rice. We dropped the dose to 1/2 and pulsing. I still feel TERRIBLE like the worst flu I’ve had in my life but not throwing up. Also have chills, stiff neck, headaches, etc. By day 2 this semi passes but I feel very out of it still (and then it’s time for the next IV)…
Doing everything under the sun to detox. Infrared sauna blanket, salt baths, multiple tinctures, alkaseltzer gold, glutathione drip, lympathic massage, foot baths, 3l of water etc
I’ve fought so hard for the past 2.5 years to have some quality of life back. Yes, my life is still awful, I’m housebound but at least if I stay inside my symptoms are minimal. It’s a shell of my old life (2 jobs, planning a huge wedding, massive social life) but I wasn’t suffering 24/7. It took me 2.5 years to reach that stage. Now I’m worried I’m fucking it all up. If I am having this response to one antibiotic, what happens next week when we add another, and the week after when we have a 3rd?! Am I going to do permanent damage by treating like this? Or would the Lyme do more permanent damage untreated? Both options are awful. I’m so scared, I’m so sad. I will do about anything to get better, and will suck up the terrible herx, but my big fear is making myself permanently worse.
Please help and please be kind :(

I had a strange relationship with deconstruction as my dad was trained at a university level to do apologetics. He was an LDS chaplain in the Army, and every night for scripture study, we got discourses on the nuances of our faith and justifications for every question we ever had. I didn’t swear until I was 18 years old, or drink caffinated anything until about that time as well, because it was never a matter of justification. It was what my family, my tribe, my people did, to go to church on Sunday, and to be worthy. I was senior patrol leader and assistant to the bishop if that clarifies who I was. I didn’t have “God will reveal it in due time” parents. I had “Here’s the answer, here’s contemporary discussion about it. Here’s some reading material if you want to learn more” parents, except for they were wicked smart, and had biased conclusions.
I was called to serve in the Mexico City East mission. Shortly before opening my mission call, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time. i left BYU-I and went home to prepare. I received my endowments after lying to my stake president about my worthiness to enter the house of the lord. I came clean, and he threatened to not let me go out for a year because I was unclean. The prick made me talk to a therapist to be cleared for the mission field. The therapist had a brain and let me go out. When I was giving my mission farewell speech, I wrote it to include the teachings of many religions in it. I had drawn inspiration from the 13th article of faith “We believe all things, hope all things-“ and wrote a poem about how Adam and Eve related to the Resurection and Atonement of christ. My dad tells me the stake president was shifting in his seat like he wanted to pull me down from the pulpit. Prick.
The CCM was a pleasure to attend because of my district. The guys in my district there held a secret thanksgiving feast after hours when we were supposed to be in bed with food we had smuggled out of the cafeteria. We had look outs so we wouldn’t be caught by the patrolling teachers. My district was placed under surveillance because of politics against our spanish teacher who we could tell actually cared about us, and we were transferred into a classroom with one sided mirrors, and microphones hanging from the ceiling. An apostle came to speak to the entire CCM, and I thought we would get a chance to meet with him directly, or that he would be even remotely accessible in some way. He was kept away from us, separate and removed even though we had the same mission. I played a lot of volley ball, and got into shape enough that I touched the rim of a basketball hoop for the first time while I was there.
My first companion was a native speaker, and liked to spend the mornings in the cyber (Internet Cafe). He would make sure I was on LDS.org while he looked at softcore porn on instagram. We would spend hours there, and I was disappointed that this was the mission.
We went to a previous investigators house, and while there, we saw preparations for an animal sacrifice. These guys were putting alcohol, cocaine, and blowing smoke onto a white chicken, and placed in into a cardboard box with a bunch of black chickens. They showed us a room full of weapons, with blood and feathers strewn all over the floor. We noped the fuck out, and went home.
I requested an emergency transfer after spending most days in the cyber, watching my companion deface JW’s property, and being an all around dick to me by telling me how to shower and how to sleep.
For his replacement, the person that would help me with his bastion of knowledge, they gave me a white guy who spoke as much Spanish as I did because he was only a transfer further into his mission than me. They made this poor kid senior companion to me before his first transfer was over. Why? Because the kid was a workaholic.
The first thing this elder and I did when we got to our apartment was to pick up and leave to go to the house of a member who had just died. We sang at the wake. I sang in a language I didn’t know, for people I didn’t know, with a companion I didn’t know. We sounded pretty damn good. The elder began setting appointments with the non-believing family members during the service. I just sat and watched the mindless kids chase the family dog.
This elder skipped lunch every day, and made me do the same. We knocked every door in our area twice that transfer. One time, he got very sick, and was delirious out in the sun with me while we were walking. I made us go home for lunch that day, and he made me promise to wake him up after thirty minutes so we could get back to the Lord’s work. Three hours later he woke up, chewed me out for letting him sleep that long, and then begrudgingly thanked me for making him rest.
One time, while walking, this Elder expressed to me that he also had some questions, but he was afraid to share the details because he knew my own testimony was fragile. I pressed him for details of his plight, and he revealed to me the darkest part of church history that he had learned while we were in the CCM, that Joseph Smith had drank alcohol while in Carthage Jail before he died. Thoughts of Fanny Alger, of Mountain Meadows Massacre, and of my own mother’s rather recently implemented looser interpretation of the word of wisdom all flashed through my head. This guy was supposed to be my teacher? All I could do was express how sorry I was for his confusion, and told him to have faith. Heaven knew I couldn’t help him.
One night with this companion, it was storming hard, and the streets were flooded. This guy refused to let us go home. We climbed along fences to avoid getting our already wet shoes soaked, and waded through a foot of water to get to the doors that were slammed in our faces. There was a loose wire on a door bell, and when I rang it, I was shocked by the completed circuit the water made. Rejection after rejection piled up. Finally, my “senior” companion said that this was the last row of houses. On the last house of the last row, there was a family that was all deaf. The father opened the door, and was suprised to see us and didn’t know who we were. I remembered the sign for Jesus from my grandparents who started and ran the ASL endowment ceremony in the Saint George temple. The family was thrilled we knew the sign. When I asked if we could come in, the family politely waved goodbye and closed the door on our faces.
Another time when it rained, something fell into my eye. It was one of those freak nature accidents, and small enough that I couldn’t figure out how to get it out without a mirror. The thing stayed wedged in the corner of my eye for hours before we got home and I could finally get the foreign object out. Looking at it on my finger, I could see it was a small green spider. Days later, still in pain, I pulled what I can only assume was accumulated webbing from the spider that I’d crushed against my eyeball off of my lower eye lid. The pain stopped after that.
I bought a $500 camera. It was stolen within a month.
This Elder and I had the good luck before transfers to baptize two children. They would have been baptized anyways, so I didn’t do any actual converting, but I taught a few lessons, got in the water and did the dunk. Bucket list item, check.
I didn’t have enough time for laundry on P-Day, so I’d wash my outfit and dry in on the radiator through the night. Transfers happen, and my new companion lied to our land lords about the electricity bill, paying it in full but not giving a reason as to why it was so high. I didn’t care anymore, I just needed something clean to wear, but these land lord had treated me and my previous companion well, better than the previous landlord who had stolen our cleaning supplies. I felt these people deserved honesty. My senior companion capitulated eventually, and he and I butted heads regularly after that on the morality of things. I think in hindsight he was a smarter and better man than I was.
The new land lords, the “Lagunez Family”, were wonderful. They included us in their activities, and I felt like I had some people in my corner. When I eventually came home from my mission, a daughter of the family had written me a goodbye letter. She is currently serving a mission. They made some great music, and I have “Infiltradors” on CD, the official name of the band the father of the family was a part of (he was the drummer).
I knew the whole area by heart by that point, so I navigated us to our appointments. Half of the landmarks I watched for to know our location were interesting buildings with unique colors. The other half of my landmarks were dead dogs whose decaying corpses had become second nature to see. I began marking how much time had passed by how deeply a certain dog on a certain dirt path’s chest was caved in.
There was an apartment complex in my area that I had been told not to proselytize in because “It’s dangerous.” Turns out, those people didn’t have any money, so the church didn’t want them. That complex was past the dog and to the east about ten blocks.
My companion and I knocked on a door, and visited a man who was missing his legs. His daughter was there, putting dirty water on the aching wounds. He had a single room for a house, and wheezed when he spoke. He couldn’t afford medication. He still went out and worked all day for his daughter, and gave her whatever money he made, trusting her to keep him alive somehow. The church expected this man to pay tithing. The church expected me to tell this man to pay tithing.
I got the chance to hike up a mountain. At the top, I played chess with a chess set I’d procured from one of the best rapid chess players I’ve ever met. He had been the ward mission leader. He was a good man, a good father, and I wish him the best.
I found another man who was deaf and spoke sign language. I sat with him, and convinced him to come to church all by myself while my companion talked with some tienda tender. I was so excited because this was my own personal project and it was going well. The man came to church, and I sat with him through sacrament meeting. In Sunday school (I can’t believe I did this), I accidentally drooled on the guy. I was just talking so he could read my lips, and I guess I forgot to swallow at some point because a dolup of spit landed on his arm. I apologized profusely, and he played it off, but I never saw that investigator again.
My companion and I knocked a door one day, and a man answered. He wore tattered clothes, and maggots were burrowing into and out of his feet. He muttered something about the stars, missing his wife, and he began to tear up. My eyes stung from the stench. The door closed. Somehow, I knew the man would be dead in a matter of weeks.
I had lost hope that I was doing anything worth while. I looked down on the Doc Martins that had stayed with me five months at this point. I was angry with myself for being so useless in the field, angry with the church for giving me leaders that didn’t listen to my needs or perspective, angry with my mom for drinking while I had to teach people that it was a sin, angry with my dad for giving me the skills and knowledge to justify anything, even pedophilia in the early days of the church, to the point where I could look someone in the eye, and knowing the kind of man Smith was, tell them he was a good man and a true prophet of God. Suddenly a man approached us. He said he recognized us as missionaries, and asked about our message. This never happened. People didn’t just come up to us unless they were crazy or dangerous. But this was a public place, and this guy was genuine. My companion talked to him, and gathered his story, but I was plotting something else. I was done with not caring about these people in a way that mattered. I was tired of walking in another man’s shoes, a man who wasn’t me, who believed different things than me. The chopped leg, the rotting dogs, the infested feet, it all swirled into a single thought in that moment.
What would Jesus do?
I walked over to the man, and in broken Spanish asked him to stand next to me. He did so, and I compared my shoe size to his foot. It was a perfect match. He protested, but I didn’t let him get a word in edge wise. I took off my shoes, put them on his dirty feet, and laced them up nice and tight. Those shoes had cost a ton, and had been meant to last the whole mission. All I had left at this point were my fancy dress shoes that gave my blisters back at the apartment. I didn’t care. I walked home in my socks that day, happy as a lark.
Covid-19 hit a month later. I was one of the few they brought home instead of quarantining. After having served only 6 months. I told God if he wanted me to stay home, he’d have to make them release me.
They released me. I think I was one of maybe a hundred missionaries that were released due to Covid. The church realized their mistake pretty soon after I was released. Once Covid infrastructure began to develop, they didn’t release any more. I guess I didn’t serve a full two years, but I did serve a full mission.
My brother served, and he nearly killed himself due to intense depression brought on by Covid quarantine and poor leadership (I’ve got a few mission president stories, but those are for another time).
I learned lying to someone’s face from my mission, and spent the rest of my time at BYU-I as “nuanced” until the last two years, over which the most epic hoe phase imaginable became my new mission. I spent those years terrified of getting a call from the honor code office.
I’m married now, with my degree irrevocably in my possession. I have friends and loved ones that are in the church and are working on their mission papers. I’m beginning to feel powerless again. I’m seeing the decay again, not on legs, feet, or dogs anymore, but in the souls of the people who the church raises to do their dirty volunteer work. I see them like the animal sacrifices I saw being prepared. I’m not sure what shoes I have left to give to those people that I know are going to be in pain.
My parents are out completely now. It was a long time coming, but they are out and so much happier. I’m working on building a new relationship with my family, one based off of the fact that we won’t be together forever, so we have to make the most of our time together now.
Happy Sunday guys, best of luck to you all. And most importantly, chupa la piña.

This hell started for me 2.5 years ago with Covid. I came down pretty bad and presented with CFS / ME symptoms - crushing fatigue, Fluey feeling, brainfog, vertigo, POTS. After 2 years of wading through that route, I tested positive for Bartonella, Borellia amongst a host of co infections like HSV, EBV etc. i remember having a tick bite as a late teen (although never got it seen to - ffs WHY), and all my adult life I’ve definitely been weaker than friends, fatigued, bad immune system, couldn’t tolerate working out, joints swelling that the rheumatologisy couldn’t explain. So I am thinking I probably had Lyme for 10+ years kept vaguely in check by my body, unleashed by Covid
I started IV via a picc line this week. On my second day of Azithro I started vomiting for 20 hours, 0 sleep, 2 anti sickness drips later I finally could eat rice. We dropped the dose to 1/2 and pulsing. I still feel TERRIBLE like the worst flu I’ve had in my life but not throwing up. Also have chills, stiff neck, headaches, etc. By day 2 this semi passes but I feel very out of it still (and then it’s time for the next IV)…
Doing everything under the sun to detox. Infrared sauna blanket, salt baths, multiple tinctures, alkaseltzer gold, glutathione drip, lympathic massage, foot baths, 3l of water etc
I’ve fought so hard for the past 2.5 years to have some quality of life back. Yes, my life is still awful, I’m housebound but at least if I stay inside my symptoms are minimal. It’s a shell of my old life (2 jobs, planning a huge wedding, massive social life) but I wasn’t suffering 24/7. It took me 2.5 years to reach that stage. Now I’m worried I’m fucking it all up. If I am having this response to one antibiotic, what happens next week when we add another, and the week after when we have a 3rd?! Am I going to do permanent damage by treating like this? Or would the Lyme do more permanent damage untreated? Both options are awful. I’m so scared, I’m so sad. I will do about anything to get better, and will suck up the terrible herx, but my big fear is making myself permanently worse.
Please help and please be kind :(

Numerous panktis written by Guru Arjan made me question some things:

1. gur naanak jin suniaa pekhiaa se fir garabhaas na pariaa re
2. sabh te vaddaa satigur naanak jin kal raakhee meree
3. gur naanak dhev govi(n)dh roop
4. gur naanak naanak har soi

And then Guru Ram Das:

1. chaar baran chaar aasram hai koiee milai guroo gur naanak so aap tarai kul sagal taraadho

I cannot find any references to Guru Nanak, when looking at the writings of the first 3 Gurus. But Guru Ram Das and then Guru Arjan does write directly about Guru Nanak quite a fair bit.
Then in the Bhatt Savaiyes, there are numerous writings glorifying the Gurus and equating them to God. There is also this famous pankti where the prayer is offered not to God, but to the Guru:
eik aradhaas bhaaT keerat kee gur raamadhaas raakhahu saranaiee
Sathaa and Balvand also glorify Guru Ram Das and talk of his "miracle", and directly say that he is the embodiment of Guru Nanak, Guru Angad and Guru Amardas:
dha(n)n dha(n)n raamadhaas gur jin siriaa tinai savaariaa pooree hoiee karaamaat aap sirajanahaarai dhaariaa
.......
naanak too lahanaa toohai gur amar too veechaariaa gur ddiThaa taa(n) man saadhaariaa 7
I have always understood that the Guru Granth Sahib was about the greatness of God, yet here in the times of Guru Ram Das and Guru Arjan, there are numerous panktis that seem out of line with the central idea of Japji Sahib and Guru Nanak's teachings and writings.
One reason I can think of is that Guru Arjan was responsible for institutionalising Sikhi (efforts might've started during the time of Guru Ram Das, why passed away at a faily young age of 46). Therefore, it was in his interest to glorify Guru Nanak and include the Bhatts writing glorifying the Gurus.
Does anyone have another way of looking at this.

Worst ride availability I've ever experienced:
-Smiler - closed all day.
-Oblivion - closed since this morning.
-Th13teen - Closed intermittently throughout the day (it's sunny and dry today).
-Galactica - closed intermittently.
-Sub Terra - Only joined queue because of long wait for Nemesis, claimed 20 mins but has broken down I think as been in stationary queue for 45 mins (as if it's worth it!). Zero communication about this.
Even many of the kids rides closed today.
Seriously regret having bought a gold annual pass now. People have complained about breakdowns and I've found it annoying this year but today takes the absolute p***. The park is clearly slipping on maintenance.