(OPEN & LOOKING)

Hello!
LONG POST! Image heavy (and shitty loading times). 5 Pages! Apologies for the length, trying to pre-empt your questions and show fixed scope.

Request:

One person with excellent, higher-order programming skills in Godot GDScript who could pair with my graphics and programming abilities for a highly popular 1990's game title, top down racer remake.

Game Synopsis:

Single player, Super Cars Clone but more realistic + crazy + more detailed and prettier graphics. With 1990’s styling and Roguelite-ish collect & combat precepts throughout.
Image set

Citing the Original Game:

Explanation video of Super Cars 2, 1990’s charm: Descriptive Video
Just flick through these next two videos, no need to watch to completion. This is to show you how dated they are.
Long Play video of original Game: Amiga Super Cars 2:
Earlier Super Cars 1: Long Play Video

Proof of Concept Test Video:

Here is a proof of concept video with artwork (no props except for road elevation).
Concept Video

Proof of Concept, Playable Game:

You can download and play it here. Do note: Road elevation changes marked by Red and Green rectangles on track, in case you’re confused about varying accelerations. AI is hypershit.
Playable Game Link
Some of the old video’s on there show the lo-res flippers, water cannons, pits, pins, rough roads, trains, etc, in working order.

Synopsis of Theme:

You are an up and coming racecar driver. It is the 1990's when flamboyant super cars, daring films(James Bond esq) and thrilling car races are all the buzz. Catching this excitement, a movie studio has noticed your driving talent. During a racing season, you'll be given access to 'unique' races at movie locations. Ie: "Blues Brothers Mall scene", or driving through a mine site with giant excavators and blasting of rock walls for that all important movie-shot. Or, many other weird and unusual prop-heavy locations, like a slime factory, or an industrial petrochemical plant complete with fiery explosions and other such spectacular events. To achieve access to these, you need to prove your worth on the daily race track. Many are non-ordinary tracks. They'll have things like giant water canons to push you around, wobbling roads, uneven rocky tracks, dips, jumps, giant pinball flippers, oil firing canons, trains and other devices all while in furious and intense competition with other NPC drivers.
Be forewarned, the video’s below show a distinct lack of polish. Ie: skidding-black level on packed dirt, no inertia correction in skid, no proper power to gear ratio etc, etc.
Mine Site and Prop Test Free Drive:
This one would be more or less representative of a special type track (due to location).
Katawarra mine
Plugin Functionality test:
Plug-In, Multi-Prop-Installations (shopping centre test), farmland, pushroads and cutaway view of mountains.
Plug In Building Test
And have another jungle track for good measure.
Jungle scene free-drive

Overview of Game ‘Chunks’:

Some Cars
Ok. in absolute brief: You start at ‘D’ category, have access to those cars and parts at that level. Above, cars on the left are ‘D’, then the next two are ‘C’, then next two are ‘B’, ‘A’, and the last two are ‘Ultra Class’ category. Each Category is an entire season of 10 tracks each. Including special event tracks.
On the roads, there are props, you plough into them for rewards, and special things called ‘chits’. Props are fences, oil drums, wood piles and anything that looks like it needs a good smashing.
Ultimately, Chits are used in a mini game (like Wheel of Fortune), to earn higher grade parts, cash prizes and even a better car than your current season’s level cap.
There’s a parts shop, a car shop, a Tv studio(for the WoF bit) and your assembly garage.
When you complete a season, if you make it into the top 3 racers at the end, you can upgrade to the next season D -> C. That means better and faster cars, higher grade engine parts, more challenging drivers, more tracks and bigger prizes on the Wheel of Fortune spin mini game. And you keep going until you reach Ultra class, where you’re driving monstrous hypercars against the best to win the entire full season.
It is meant to be a difficult game, just like the original. Practice makes Perfect.

Market Expectations:

Do note: Top down racers are NOT big money earners, so don't expect a huge audience. We would probably be lucky to fit just Below 'Make Way' at position 15.
Steam stats

What Happened and why am I doing this:

Me: Senior IT Manager. (BMech Eng.). + Hobby Artist (Pretty OK & particularly fast) + VB6 Coder (Strong skills). Was working on a BIG VB6 program for enjoyment. (https://nelfid.com/)
(https://www.reddit.com/roguelikedev/comments/1aeaoo8/2024_in_roguelikedev_monstergirl_resonance_call/ )
Had to stop. Looked at Godot for continuation, seriously impressed, started learning it, WOW. Decided to build a racer for shits and giggles and to learn from it. Ok, fun, easy, cool, and then decided to upgrade it with pretty graphics and decent gameplay. Game testers went nuts, I went nuts. Too much fun.
But, I’m long suffering from a sleep disorder. So re-re-re-learning Godot between medical hiatuses isn’t fun. However I can churn out art and Godot prop code no matter my condition.
I’m still a beginner at Godot, an advanced coder in VB6, I can prototype well. HOWEVER, I’m better at smashing out tracks worth of art, cars portraits, cars sprites, car cutaways and Godot track and props setup.
What I am NOT good at is the higher order setup of minimising repeat code and proper setout of node hierarchies (I haven’t learned it yet). I’m tired of bashing my head against, all the old vector math, engine math, gearing data and power curves. (I graduated that stuff at University too many years ago.)
I’m looking for someone who likes THAT, car-frictiony-enginey-handling-math. Someone who likes building car-part-shop-garage-drag-drop-thingy-interfaces. Someone who enjoys a good thrash and smash car game with a penchant for comedy and silliness. Someone who’ll also help with all the OTHER things needed to put a game on Steam and random marketing functions. Someone who knows how to handle multi-packed scenes and not build shit code.
As needed, I’ll be covering ALL the art, all the interface art, you-name-it, you just make it work. I’ll also be building and drawing all the tracks. Ideas and creation for silliness, wackiness, interesting tracks, cool props, etc, will be a duo effort for building them. If you have art skills too, great, join in.
Do note: I’m aiming at hand-drawing 50 tracks in grand total, their props and variants. This is an astronomical amount of work. I WILL get burnout, and the contingency is to ask the audience for fun and silly ideas too. This way, the track-select-bucket can be filled over time. Even after Steam’s Early Access commences. Seriously, you’ve got to go above and beyond to stand out nowadays.
Have SQLite skills? Good, because we will be using it.

Build Time:

Speculatively guessing for build time. Minimum time 3 months. Maximum time 6 months to complete.

Goal Post 1:

Schedule I'd like to do: Prep the game with a first stage demo. As per above, but with say 3 tracks, and 3 different user cars and proper NPC AI. Chuck that on Steam as a first port of call. This shouldn't take long as the shop/parts/Tv studio are not relevant here. Just racing and a simplistic track select menu. Car types can be basic hard coded engines and handling here (ie: no part swapping yet).

Goal Post 2:

Second stage demo: and with it, Early Access. Entire Season 1 Tracks ready. All stuff is here, shops, parts, Tv studio. Category 'D' racing is fully open here. The user can run through the whole 1'st stage, 10 tracks (with celebrity tracks included). However, more difficult grades C, B, A and Ultra cars, parts and other tracks are not available. This is so the users can get a 100% feeling for the game, and if they want to go to the next level (more difficult, more tracks, more parts, more cars, more excitement) they'll have the incentive to purchase the full game. Early access means we'll start dumping down new tracks and celebrity tracks as they get made so EA's can get them in the random bucket as we go along.

Goal Post 3:

Real Launch: Everything done, but tracks might not be fully complete yet (at least 50% done). Track selection is done from a diminishing pool randomly selected per each season. If short, it will select from the bucket again. At this stage the entire game should be coded in full, with the exception of new props for upcoming tracks. Which you'll be helping out with.

Marketing:

Marketing is informal at the moment, and happy to share ideas and discuss approaches accordingly. Currently I've been collecting relevant forum/group websites for those who love or may love this stuff.

Sound:

Music and sound effects assets will be from sites like Zapsplat and other affiliate style sites. (So we'll need to program in a car CD Player or Tape Deck, lol) If worthwhile to translate for other languages, we can do that as it's not a text heavy game.

Revshare:

Rev share will be pinned at 50/50 unless there is some other extenuating circumstances. Official company setup and final legals will occur immediately prior to Early Access -> pending interest level by users.
You won't be 'just' coding. Wherever we can both cover each other's backs to smash things out as fast as possible, you'll need to be flexible. Game's are not just coding and artwork.
I expect you to be proactive because I’ll have my hands full with art and technical props.
Let’s do our best to get it over the line.

Response:

I won’t be responding to Discord currently. My account seems to have been inactive-erased, I haven't ‘dug’ in my records for it, that’s a ‘later’ thing. DO NOT DM me, myself and others want to see and verify who you are first, exclusively write below.

Timezone:

East-coast Australia timezone, happy for any talent, anywhere. English language only.

About you:

If you are interested and have some seriously strong Godot skills, please introduce yourself, what you've done, programming background, any training or other videos you've made (please link them). Can you program caengine physics and road AI exceptionally well already? How do you avoid spaghetti code? How long have you been tackling Godot? Do you know shaders? What are your daily hours/location? What can you do for your 50/50 rev-share of this project?
Corso
^{Have some AI Generated art for theme and ideas fishing. Note: I won’t be using AI art anywhere, this is only for sticking into the ideas-box and to give you a feel for what the game is about.}
Coverart Ideas
^{Lastly, if you’re good and we work well together, I’m happy to discuss any future projects that require similar arrangements. There is a mountain of short-term, popular 90’s and similar games begging for modernisation and graphical updates.}

The highest honors I got in elementary school was 2nd honors in second grade. Our parents were always comparing us to the smart kids who were consistently in 1st and 2nd place on the honors list.
I wasn't able to duplicate my success after that quarter and it frustrated my parents. They were both consistent honor students as well in their youth and they couldn't understand why I wasn't performing well.
Their remedy was to have my mom tutor me in maths and science with a plastic ruler (she only struck my hand once though, every other slap was suffered by the desk) and frustrated screams at the ready if I couldn't memorize a science fact or get the right answers in division.
On top of that, since kindergarten, I was struggling with low-key bullying with my classmates calling me fat. I was taller than my age and bigger than them. I hated being called fat and being yelled at for being a slow runner during group games. It was true that I couldn't outrun kids smaller and lighter than me. I still feel horrible thinking about it.
Back to topic: one particularly stressful evening, I was shouted at for not being able to memorize a particular set of paragraphs for an upcoming test. It was bad enough that I was already sobbing at my study table. My flabbergasted mother told me I would not sleep until I had commited whatever that was to memory and gave me an hour. In that hour i was so distraught that I couldn't read anything through my tears and swollen eyelids.
When my mother returned to check on me I was still crying and she gave up and sent me to bed angrily.
After that night, I lost all motivation to excel. I would be content with an 80% grade (which in our country was considered average) or barely passing.
If I was motivated by myself, I could succeed, but whenever outside expectations or pressure showed up, I would fold.
I developed a strong dislike for studying science and mathematics. I preferred studying English, reading, writing, and art because they weren't as rigorous as STEM.
My teachers and professors noticed I had a lackadaisical attitude towards academics. I was intelligent enough, but not interested in honors at all.
This attitude has affected much of my life. Leading me to make bad decisions under pressure that have cost me a couple of jobs.
I found a job I adored as an art teacher in another country, but have struggled after the company that hired me fell apart after 5 years working for them. Bad business decisions on the part of the owner ended a job that made me feel fulfilled.
After a few years of struggling including a few more failures (still struggling for now) I'm a SAHM. In a way, I'm relieved to have that pressured to succeed off my shoulders. But when I see my classmates so and so successful and going on nice vacations, I feel some regret.
If you've read this far, thank you. This thought has been on my mind for years, and only now have I had the guts to type it out anywhere.
I'm breathing a bit easier now that I've got it off my chest.

Was doing some semi mathematical/philosophical thought experiments, and of all the things I did not expect to stumble on a paradox between these two concepts so I thought I'd share.
I'm going to give the main idea, but at the bottom I'll share some preliminaries for those unfamiliar with the relevant concepts, as in I explain it all so this post is still self contained. So if you're feeling lost below, skip to the bottom first. Even if you don't care for this specific argument, I think it's worth thinking about or extrapolating from the concepts in preliminaries, since a lot of people talk about God's infinite nature but don't often confront the paradoxes that have to do with infinity and are mathematically sound but can pose problems (the first time I engaged with it was after learning Cantor's theorem, since that seriously seems to imply either God's infinity is not the biggest infinity, or somehow not remotely definable/it doesn't even mean anything). So I think this is overall good practice.
EDIT (can skip this and go on to actual paradox if you’re getting impatient): While reflecting, I realized a lot of readers might think I'm a crank for writing something this technical on something related to God. I promise everything I wrote however is technically sound and coherent. The reason it is this technical is because it has to be to construct a logically precise question which God can no longer answer, if He's generous enough to share (even if we restrict to only being after an eternity) all His knowledge to any one person. And that's what it takes to show the paradox between being "the most knowledgeable you can conceive" with "the most generous you can conceive." I'm not myself convinced any of this argument is overkill.
The Specific Paradox
Suppose human lives are infinite, which you believe if there’s an eternal afterlife, then consider the set of “all knowledge humans would obtain after infinite time”. Obviously this set can be enumerated, f(1), f(2), f(3),… etc. Now what I'm about to describe is a construct that cannot really exist physically, but it is perfectly definable in math, in a sense that you can ask questions about it that have objective truth values. Basically define a modified Turing machine, but one where there is a second head, and instructions for when the second head takes a step, such that each step of the second head is essentially enumerating that set we just named (so in a single step it will print a new element of that set on the tape, wherever the head is). Now for this new type of machine, each such machine can be encoded with a number just like Turing machines, and such that you can code one machine to be able to simulate others when given the corresponding encoding. Each such machine can either halt or not halt like a regular Turing machine, and just like regular Turing machines, you can prove that no such machine in this class can solve the halting problem for this type of machine. This also means that the set of “all knowledge humans would obtain after infinite time” cannot contain the solution to this class of machine’s halting problem, since if it did that would be a contradiction with the fact this machine can enumerate that set as a feature.
Now, we can define a set, the set of all encodings of machines in this class, such that those encodings correspond to halting machines in this class.
If God is the most knowledgeable that we can conceive of, He can decide this set, can take any number and say whether it’s in the set or not.
That would imply God has more knowledge than the set of “all knowledge humans would obtain after infinite time.”
On the other hand, suppose a person really likes knowledge, and asks for “all knowable truths but after infinite time.” Then if God is the most generous we can conceive of, it seems not unfair for God to grant this, especially since the person is asking after infinite time, it’s not like they're even asking for it all at once/will ever really have it at one point in time. So it seems more than fair to grant that request, especially if you belong to one of the monotheistic faiths that believes heaven is where you're granted "whatever the heart desires that's possible." And it isn't inconceivable some nerd would want this, but if it is granted to them then it would contradict God being “the most knowledgeable we can conceive of,” since the set of numbers we described above and deciding it (meaning you can name whether an element is in it or not) would not be encompassed by the set of all of God's knowledge, since that would lead to the earlier halting contradiction we described. So you end up having one or the other, either the most generous we can conceive of or the most knowledgeable we can conceive of.
Analysis (skip below if you need preliminaries)
So a couple things. I'd like to repeat that even this request is somewhat restricted, since you're not even asking to be granted all of God's knowledge, you're asking to be “granted it only if we consider the set union of my knowledge at all future points of time.” And in fact, in some people's minds, "the most generous we can conceive of" would already pre-emptively entail an agreement to share all possible knowledge, since sharing knowledge is good no? So an explicit request isn't even necessarily necessary for this paradox.
Some other points. All of this falls under the framework that all knowledge in existence (including God’s knowledge) is a countable infinity, obviously God might instead have an uncountable amount of knowledge, but my issue with that is once you allow it, it becomes a “where do we stop” thing, because for every set you can define the set of all subsets of that set which will always be bigger by Cantor's theorem. So either the “set of all of God’s knowledge” is not even meaningful to talk about, or there is a limit, specifically a certain size of infinity where we stop at, and if it’s the latter then it seems very humanly arrogant to assume it’s any one specific cardinality (cardinality just means size but rigorously generalized to include size of infinities). Even if it's some specific uncountable cardinality however, you can easily modify this paradox to work with that cardinality as well.
You could also alternatively even reject any infinity exists, which would imply God is not an actual infinity and therefore can’t solve even the normal halting problem, that is a legitimate possibility too. But the property of being “greatest [insert property] that we conceive of” for most people is usually taken to mean an actual infinity, so they have to reckon with this. You could simply opt for agnosticism on this point, but in that case you cannot then use infinite as an adjective freely.
Ultimately, in the case that one does believe God exists and has an infinite nature and/or really does have attributes of the form "greatest [insert property] I can conceive of" (which would be infinite in certain cases like knowledge, e.g. even the standard halting problem has a solution but you provably need infinite knowledge to be able to solve it for instance, unless it having a solution is not in the possible knowledge you can conceive of, though that seems absurd), then this paradox illustrates that one of three things must be true:

1. God would grant the request of someone that desires “all possible knowledge given infinite time” but then God is no longer of the class of “the most knowledgeable we can conceive of” because there is a countable set of natural numbers we can even refer to that He cannot decide.
   
2. God would deny that request, and thus all possible sets we can refer to are decidable by Him, but then God is potentially not of the class of “the most generous we can conceive of."
   
3. God can’t grant that request to begin with because His knowledge is a greater cardinality than the natural numbers, and my usage of “infinite time” here was meant to be countable, although you could easily alter the paradox to include higher cardinalities in the request so this isn't really a point it just changes the goalposts.
   

I would like to know how those of you that believe in an omni[something] God and afterlife personally reconcile this paradox. As someone who does lean towards believing in a supreme monotheistic creator, I personally lean towards 2, that the knowledge precedes generosity, but I honestly don't have a philosophical justification yet.
Now, as I promised, here are some preliminaries:
Preliminaries
Countable and uncountable infinity, turtles all the way down
One relevant concept I brought up that might be unfamiliar to people, that I think should be the most well known though it's not central to the argument, is that of sizes of infinity. Honestly, I'm a little lazy so I'm just going to link this 8 minute video that does a marvelous job at explaining it. I know 8 minutes is a tough ask but I promise it's worth, and the rest in this post is self contained.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elvOZm0d4H0
No technical background needed, a grade schooler can understand it, and I think it's worth learning about regardless of who you are, since Cantor's theorem really is one of humanity's greatest intellectual achievements.
Note he goes into the specific example of a countable infinity (the natural numbers) and how the first uncountable infinity is bigger (using the real numbers as an example). However Cantor's more general theorem applies to all sets, saying the set of all subsets of that set will always be a bigger set, even when our sets are infinite. Stated differently, there is always a bigger infinity. If you haven't seen this theorem before, depending on who you are this is either surprising to you or not surprising to you, and in both cases I can guarantee whatever reasoning you're using is wrong, but to see why watch the video :)
The exact proof in the video is a proof by contradiction similar to the halting problem proof I'll do below. But for Cantor's more general theorem I just stated, the proof while in the same spirit is a little more abstract than the specific example in the video, so I won't explain it here but feel free to check it out on wikipedia if you're curious.
Turing Machines
So the most relevant concept is that of a Turing Machine. While this may sound fancy, it's actually not hard to understand at all. Imagine a mathematician who can only write one symbol at a time. Except the chalkboard he's using to write is infinitely long. Do you get that? Then congratulations, you now know what a Turing Machine is.
Why the exact details of Turing Machines don’t matter
Sometimes people will present it as more technical, as a head that moves along an infinite tape writing only 0's and 1's. But that is basically what we just described, minus the limitation to 0 and 1. But the reason people use 0 and 1 is to show that in fact, this simplicity where you only have a 2 letter alphabet, is still powerful enough that you can use this model still to simulate other models that have a bigger alphabet. So the point when people do that isn't that we're intentionally restricting to 2 letters, but that 2 letters is all we need, even to do stuff that requires more! Even other details like the number of tapes or the dimension of the tape don't matter, since they can all simulate each other. So the point really is just that we can get away with something as minimal as possible, and that in some sense the details really don’t matter.
Why Turing Machines philosophically matter
Really the more relevant point though is that a Turing Machine is simply philosophically codifying what was already intuitive to humans, namely the idea of any finite procedure. Like an algorithm, a recipe, etc. As long as you allow instructions for behavior, and that behavior is allowed to be unbounded (while loop), then you basically have a Turing Machine.
On the other hand if you have a programming language with programs that contain if statements ("if [this] do [this"), for loops (which is just specifying an action to be done a certain number of times, but not infinitely), but NOT while loops (while [this is true] do [this'), then this is not a Turing Machine, because the "while" is the key, the infinite chalkboard, since what that opens up is the ability to never stop. Which might seem like a flaw at first, and it is in certain respects, but opening up that possibility is actually what gives computers the expressive power they have in solving problems believe it or not.
Footnote on Turing Machine usefulness in real life (can skip to next section if you don’t care): An asterisk here is that in real life there is no infinite memory so computers will always eventually stop, but A. we obviously don't want programs to run out of memory because they would have needed infinite memory anyway, both cause it's bad to use all memory but also you'd ideally want to know to stop it short before it meaninglessly loops like that and B. In some cases programs are meant to run for long enough/as long as possible before hitting some constraint that it's more or less still useful to model them as functionally infinite. Regardless for the sake of this paradox and mathematicians, even if it wasn't useful the idea of algorithms that might not stop still represent perfectly definable mathematical objects we can meaningfully talk about which belong to "the set of all possible knowledge".
Universal Simulation
Turing Machines are encodable. Once you settle on the specifics of the machine, like what the alphabet is etc (which isn't that important), then there will exist a way to encode each machine as a single whole number. And in such a way that you can define a Turing Machine that can in fact parse this number in order to simulate the machine.
You can even define a machine that takes in the encoding of any other machine, and all it does is simulate it, essentially a universal computer which is conceptually like your laptop at home. Also you can define the encoding scheme to involve every natural number, simply by having non valid encodings (which can also be recognized by machines as non valid) represent by default a basic machine that just does nothing. So essentially all natural numbers are Turing Machines. From now on if M is a Turing Machine, will refer to the number encoding it.
Undecidability of the standard halting problem
Anyway so because we have the possibility of our programs never halting, the halting problem is quite literally to decide whether a Turing Machine will halt or not halt.
(More specifically you have a number, and you want to decide if that number represents a Turing Machine that halts. Technically it's if the Turing machine halts on a specific input, so you would need an input in addition to the number, however we can actually change our encoding so that every natural number encodes both a Turing Machine and input for it. If you do that, then the problem really does become equivalent to "you have this well defined set of numbers, each representing Turing Machine-input pairs, and you're trying to decide for any number if it's in that set, meaning it represents a Turing Machine-input pair that halts" which is how I prefer to think of the halting problem, I'm just abusing my language and will keep doing so for consistency, but it's not that important).
Now if the halting problem is solvable, by a mathematician, computer, whatever, we can represent that as a Turing Machine Q that takes in an encoding of a machine and an input x, (so we can represent it's behavior as Q(, x)) and tells us whether M halts on x or never halts. You can then easily construct a machine Q' where Q'() does the following:
Q'():

Simulates Q, specifically running Q(, ) and thus checking if M halts on the encoding that represents itself.
If it does not halt, this program Q' halts.
If it does halt, this program Q' loops forever.

Now, what happens if we run Q'()? If Q' halts on itself then it loops forever, and if it does not halt on itself, then it halts, a contradiction. Yet this program is easily constructible if the halting problem is solvable, since it's built by simulating the program that solves that. Therefore that assumption must be wrong. So no program, no mathematician or anyone, can take in an encoding of a Turing Machine and some input, and tell us whether it halts or does not halt. The only way to do that would be if you have infinite knowledge, and I would assume most monotheists here upon learning about this problem really would believe "God can do it. God can solve the halting problem," thus implying God's knowledge is an actual infinite, since otherwise you would run into contradiction like this proof. In fact for some, this may even be used to reinforce why God must be of an infinite nature, that omniscience wouldn't be compatible with any fact to the contrary. The alternative is either believing He can't, or choosing agnosticism on such matters.
More turtles all the way down
Note that you can always define a new type of Turing Machine that's exactly the same but has an oracle that can solve the halting problem. Just like before this machine is also encodable. And just like the modified machine in the paradox this can't really exist remotely physically, even if we forgot finiteness constraints since we already showed the halting problem is unsolvable - this oracle is purely a theoretical construct. However, this new type of machine will have it's own halting problem that it can't solve for equivalent machines. And then you can define an oracle for that halting problem. But once again you'll just get an even higher level halting problem. So even if you can solve the halting problem there are higher level halting problems you still can't solve (google "arithmetic hierarchy" if you're interested, it's more general but basically quantifies how "unsolvable" a set is, yielding an infinite tower of classes, each containing sets "more unsolvable" than the last). Of course if you're like me, you would just shrug it off as God can solve all of these problems.
EDIT WITH SOME MORE THOUGHTS:
Just wanted to add you can also use the argument I presented to show that assuming the set of "all of God's knowledge" is a real infinite set (I argue in preliminaries why most who accept omniscience would agree it's infinite), you can always construct a question that's solution is not in the set, a paradox of omniscience alone since we can refer to a question that by definition can't be solved by God. To be fair this also runs into issues of epistemology itself, since you could use the same for the set of all knowledge in general, and therefore one could even argue that in some sense certain "truths" just don't exist/truth isn't definable. Which I guess has already been sorta established by folks like Tarski using other methods. In any case I presented the argument I'm giving as a generosity paradox, since once it's a question that is derived by being defined as unsolveable with respect to the set of all of a human's knowledge (which is what we're doing in some sense), that feels far more like intuitively it should have a solution by the being that's "the most knowledgeable we can conceive of" than a question that's specifically defined to be unsolveable with respect to all of just their knowledge (which again, defining it like that is what we're doing in some sense, though we need to do work to show it's well defined which is what the proof was). Maybe what I'm trying to say is, if omniscience alone can't deal with logical omniscient paradoxes, perhaps it should always at least maintain the hierarchy/superiority aspect of it, and that even that sorta goes into disarray if we allow a maximal generosity (in the context of this post, that being sharing all of one's knowledge, not necessarily all at once, I used a more relaxed condition, where it's in a way that they'd still get all of it given infinite time).

Raised by a single mom, I was a very naughty and sensible child who never asked for what my mother couldn't get me (other than ice cream). My father came back to us when I was in 5th grade, and I was sent to a hostel where I got a scholarship to study until the completion of high school for free.
Everything went well until my mom gave a surprise visit to my hostel the same week when my stupid face was bitten by bees (obviously, I was breaking a beehive with my friends). She took me back home on the same day I was in the 2nd semester of 8th grade.
The Downfall
By the end of the 1st semester of 9th grade, I started feeling that my father acted differently with people outside and at home. Once, I followed him just to get caught and slapped. By the middle of the second semester, one day, I asked my father for 100 rupees to change the tube of my cycle tire. He unwillingly gave it to me (the last time I spoke to him). At night, my mom and I hugged each other and cried as he left us with massive debt acquired by gambling.
My mother gave a police complaint against the debt collectors who were harassing us.
In the meantime, my thought process collapsed as my maternal family was against me staying with my mom.
I just asked myself what is important: "Amma (Mom)" was my answer.
I again asked myself what should I do in these hard times for her: make her happy.
I asked myself for one last time how should I make her happy: with my actions. I started studying (I was smart but never focused on anything). I went to one of my friends and asked him to let's go to the hostel and study. My mom supported me. For 6 months, I didn't know what happened at home; it's not that I didn't care, I knew it would not matter as I couldn't do anything about it. I just studied with my friend. I completed my 10th grade, which is a major exam in India. I scored full marks in math and science and got a very good percentage.
I took the result sheet home. All my maternal family were in disbelief, and my grandma said, "Where did you photoshop this?" I didn't care; I only wanted to see my mom smile after a long time. She held my hand, went to the cyber center, checked it herself, and made everyone's mouth shut.
Now I'm 25: my maternal granny (a doctor) is bedridden with Parkinson's, and my mom is a successful lawyer who helps people in need. I'm an engineer. We bought a house two years ago and completed the home loan, living happily.
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For my rising second grader currently 7.5
Math mammoth blue series add and subtract 2b
Tgatb grade 3 😳 (I didn't like them for math in the past but we are enjoying grade 3 pdf so I'll buy the book)
Supplements ixl WORKBOOK grade 3,homeschoolmath net worksheets, MWC grade 3 for games, think tank scholar triangle math flash cards, beast academy BOOKS series 2.

What I'm trying to understand is what Jung means when he says 'That was when I learned what a neurosis is', and how I can apply that to ending challenges with studying.
I did some research and to my current understanding, (please correct me if any parts are different) he seems to say that neurosis is about avoiding reality due to anxiety related to performing a certain task?Would Jung fainting be a symptom of the neurosis around studying here?
And it seems he's saying he was fainting on purpose, or perhaps 'allowing' the fainting because he didn't want to study? He finally overcame the fainting by having a change of mindset of wanting to avoid not being able to work in the future, and then proceeding to simply push through the fainting and study the Latin grammar. When he says that day he finally understood what a neurosis is, is he saying the anxiety around study was bringing about the physiological response of fainting, but such responses, if brought to the conscious, can be controlled (and controlled immediately in one sitting, albeit with a string drove to do so in his case)?
Also, why does Jung feel guilt and shame around the event, (intrinsically it seems, aside from others' opinions too) and seem to give the idea that he orchestrated the event, it seems he's referring to being the cause of even the part where he got pushed by the other boy? Is this more of a spiritual take where because he didn't want to study, his desire became reality (in a painful way) and therefore he felt guilty for wanting to find escapism from study? Or is it more literal?
Also is a point being made in the final paragraph that being in solitude for the purpose of exploring nature and spirituality, and using escapism, away from society, can lead to and exacerbate a neurosis?
So I ask all of this yes out of a growing interest in psychology especially Jungian, but very practically because I'm trying to understand how I can solve challenges regarding my own studies.
I'm currently studying maths at university, and have had challenges with studying since the time following Covid 19. These included moving school to one where I was one of very few new students, bullying, longing for the past (both previous school and how life was pre-covid), along with study becoming a lot more independent. As well as away from school: having challenges navigating my beliefs, home life as a 2nd gen (born in country of origin but moved as a baby) where cultural values between home and current country clashed, and just generally (especially following standstills due to lockdowns), realising both practically and in in my observations (which I would ruminate on regardless of if I could do anything to solve the challenges whether personal or in some news article), very suddenly and rapidly, that the world is a very harsh place, very different from how I once viewed it with rose-tinted glasses.
There's several factors to consider, that could be making studying effectively more challenging, of course even without what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Studying poses its own innate challenges as learning new content is challenging in itself. So now differentiating this from these challenges is yet anther challenge to overcome.
Nevertheless, alongside working on overcoming the 'side challenges' I'll call them, my main pursuit has consistently been to 'push through' as it seems Jung did to improve his studies. I would say I've done well overall, come a long way, and I am proud of my achievements, yet there have beent several occurences of not meeting goals, (causing an unplanned gap year), and also a failed exam despite consistent efforts. Yes, there's more I could have done to avoid that failure, and I know there are topics I didn't fully understand even by the time the exam came, and there are extended practice sheets (not complusory but helpful practice, and I did all the compulsory work and then my own extra study including asking questions on what I didn't yet understand) that were available that I'm doing now in preparation to re-sit the exam. All of this is to say, despite this, it feels too much like some sort of cycle of underperformance I need to break out of, yet pushing through seems to be becoming less effective. In slightly-post-covid-but-pre-university times, it was things like missing the top grade I needed by a few marks, but I have never failed an exam before this.
For more context, just a few months pre-Covid I was scoring not only best in year but in the whole school in mathematics, and yes I worked very hard, but it didn't feel like I was walking through fire to do so, and was excelling in almost all of my subjects, and also really enjoying the process of learning, with much better mood overall, and was even getting quite fit! Even if I was albeit on auto-plilot of having a streak of good previous results, and didn't even believe mental health 'existed' or could have a serious impact on how people function from what I'd heard, and they should just push through, which of course is what I'm actually now trying to figure out. In regards to getting my mental health sorted, I'm working on doing that as much as I know how to, and learning through knowledge on reddit and more, without being triggered to the point of having study affected, and have reached out for advice.
These days I'm fighting the self-doubt of repeated underperformance and anxiety about my current study methods and more fundamentally if I'm even targeting the right areas, not being completely sure of what went wrong in certain past exams since scripts aren't returned.
I've done so much research on studying smarter not harder, and fighting perfectionistic tendencies of reading the notes on the topic that precede the questions for so long that I've used all energy on that rather than active practice, (and then procrastinate or even fall asleep at my desk) especially for a subject like mathematics where practice is key.
If anyone of this subreddit could give any insight into this I'd truly appreciate it. If it helps, I'm INFJ-T the last 5 times I did the Myers-Briggs test. Thank you.
I've pasted an excerpt below on Carl Jung's book 'Memories, Dreams and Reflections' approx pages 44-49:
EXCERPT:
"Whenever it was a question of an equivalence, then it was said that a : a, b : b, and so on. This I could accept, whereas a : b seemed to me a downright lie or a fraud. I was equally outraged when the teacher stated in the teeth of his own definition of parallel lines that they met at infinity. This seemed to me no better than a stupid trick to catch peasants with, and I could not and would not have anything to do with it. My intellectual morality fought against these whimsical inconsistencies, which have forever debarred me from understanding mathematics. Right into old age I have had the incorrigible feeling that if, like my schoolmates, I could have accepted without a struggle the proposition that a : b, or that sun : moon, dog = cat, then mathematics might have fooled me endlessly--just how much I only began to realize at the age of eighty four. All my life it remained a puzzle to me why it was that I never managed to get my bearings in mathematics when there was no doubt whatever that I could calculate properly. Least of all did I understand my own moral doubts concerning mathematics. Equations I could comprehend only by inserting specific numerical values in place of the letters and verifying the meaning of the operation by actual calculation. As we went on in mathematics I was able to get along, more or less, by copying out algebraic formulas whose meaning I did not understand, and by memorizing where a particular combination of letters had stood on the blackboard. I could no longer make headway by substituting numbers, for from time to time the teacher would say, "Here we put the expression so and-so," and then he would scribble a few letters on the blackboard. I had no idea where he got them and why he did it--the only reason I could see was that it enabled him to bring the procedure to what he felt was a satisfactory conclusion. I was so intimidated by my incomprehension that I did not dare to ask any questions. Mathematics classes became sheer terror and torture to me. Other subjects I found easy; and as, thanks to my good visual memory, I contrived for a long while to swindle my way through mathematics, I usually had good marks. But my fear of failure and my sense of smallness in face of the vast world around me created in me not only a dislike but a kind of silent despair which completely ruined school for me. In addition, I was exempted from drawing classes on grounds of utter incapacity. This in a way was welcome to me, since it gave me more free time; but on the other hand it was a fresh defeat, since I had some facility in drawing, although I did not realize that it depended essentially on the way I was feeling. I could draw only what stirred my imagination. But I was forced to copy prints of Greek gods with sightless eyes, and when that wouldn't go properly the teacher obviously thought I needed something more naturalistic and set before me the picture of a goat's head. This assignment I failed completely, and that was the end of my drawing classes. To my defeats in mathematics and drawing there was now added a third: from the very first I hated gymnastics. I could not endure having others tell me how to move. I was going to school in order to learn something, not to practice useless and senseless acrobatics. Moreover, as a result of my earlier accidents, I had a certain physical timidity which I was not able to overcome until much later on. This timidity was in turn linked with a distrust of the world and its potentialities. To be sure, the world seemed to me beautiful and desirable, but it was also filled with vague and incomprehensible perils. Therefore I always wanted to know at the start to what and to whom I was entrusting myself. Was this perhaps connected with my mother, who had abandoned me for several months? When, as I shall describe later, my neurotic fainting spells began, the doctor forbade me to engage in gymnastics, much to my satisfaction. I was rid of that burden--and had swallowed another defeat. The time thus gained was not spent solely on play. It permitted me to indulge somewhat more freely the absolute craving I had developed to read every scrap of printed matter that fell into my hands. My twelfth year was indeed a fateful one for me. One day in the early summer of 1887 I was standing in the cathedral square, waiting for a classmate who went home by the same route as myself. It was twelve o'clock, and the morning classes were over. Suddenly another boy gave me a shove that knocked me off my feet. I fell, striking my head against the curbstone so hard that I almost lost consciousness. For about half an hour afterward I was a little dazed. At the moment I felt the blow the thought flashed through my mind: "Now you won't have to go to school any more." I was only half unconscious, but I remained lying there a few moments longer than was strictly necessary, chiefly in order to avenge myself on my assailant. Then people picked me up and took me to a house nearby, where two elderly spinster aunts lived. From then on I began to have fainting spells whenever I had to return to school, and whenever my parents set me to doing my homework. For more than six months I stayed away from school, and for me that was a picnic. I was free, could dream for hours, be anywhere I liked, in the woods or by the water, or draw. I resumed my battle pictures and furious scenes of war, of old castles that were being assaulted or burned, or drew page upon page of caricatures. Similar caricatures sometimes appear to me before falling asleep to this day, grinning masks that constantly move and change, among them familiar faces of people who soon afterward died. Above all, I was able to plunge into the world of the mysterious. To that realm belonged trees, a pool, the swamp, stones and animals, and my father's library. But I was growing more and more away from the world, and had all the while faint pangs of conscience. I frittered away my time with loafing, collecting, reading, and playing. But I did not feel any happier for it; I had the obscure feeling that I was fleeing from myself. I forgot completely how all this had come about, but I pitied my parents' worries. They consulted various doctors, who scratched their heads and packed me off to spend the holidays with relatives in Winterthur. This city had a railroad station that proved a source of endless delight to me. But when I returned home everything was as before. One doctor thought I had epilepsy. I knew what epileptic fits were like and I inwardly laughed at such nonsense. My parents became more worried than ever. Then one day a friend called on my father. They were sitting in the garden and I hid behind a shrub, for I was possessed of an insatiable curiosity. I heard the visitor saying to my father, "And how is your son?" "Ah, that's a sad business," my father replied. "The doctors no longer know what is wrong with him. They think it may be epilepsy. It would be dreadful if he were incurable. I have lost what little I had, and what will become of the boy if he cannot earn his own living?" I was thunderstruck. This was the collision with reality. "Why, then, I must get to work!" I thought suddenly. From that moment on I became a serious child. I crept away, went to my father's study, took out my Latin grammar, and began to cram with intense concentration. After ten minutes of this I had the finest of fainting fits. I almost fell off the chair, but after a few minutes I felt better and went on working. "Devil take it, I'm not going to faint," I told myself, and persisted in my purpose. This time it took about fifteen minutes before the second attack came. That, too, passed like the first. "And now you must really get to work!" I stuck it out, and after an hour came the third attack. Still I did not give up, and worked for another hour, until I had the feeling that I had overcome the attacks. Suddenly I felt better than I had in all the months before. And in fact the attacks did not recur. From that day on I worked over my grammar and other schoolbooks every day. A few weeks later I returned to school, and never suffered another attack, even there. The whole bag of tricks was over and done with! That was when I learned what a neurosis is. Gradually the recollection of how it had all come about returned to me, and I saw clearly that I myself had arranged this whole disgraceful situation. That was why I had never been seriously angry with the schoolmate who pushed me over. I knew that he had been put up to it, so to speak, and that the whole affair was a diabolical plot on my part. I knew, too, that this was never going to happen to me again. I had a feeling of rage against myself, and at the same time was ashamed of myself. For I knew that I had wronged myself and made a fool of myself in my own eyes. Nobody else was to blame; I was the cursed renegade! From then on I could no longer endure my parents' worrying about me or speaking of me in a pitying tone. The neurosis became another of my secrets, but it was a shameful secret, a defeat. Nevertheless it induced in me a studied punctiliousness and an unusual diligence. Those days saw the beginnings of my conscientiousness, practiced not for the sake of appearances, so that I would amount to something, but for my own sake. Regularly I would get up at five o'clock in order to study, and sometimes I worked from three in the morning till seven, before going to school. What had led me astray during the crisis, was my passion for being alone, my delight in solitude. Nature seemed to me full of wonders, and I wanted to steep myself in them. Every stone, every plant, every single thing seemed alive and indescribably marvelous. I immersed myself in nature, crawled, as it were, into the very essence of nature and away from the whole human world."

What I'm trying to understand is what Jung means when he says 'That was when I learned what a neurosis is', and how I can apply that to ending challenges with studying.
I did some research and to my current understanding, (please correct me if any parts are different) he seems to say that neurosis is about avoiding reality due to anxiety related to performing a certain task?Would Jung fainting be a symptom of the neurosis around studying here?
And it seems he's saying he was fainting on purpose, or perhaps 'allowing' the fainting because he didn't want to study? He finally overcame the fainting by having a change of mindset of wanting to avoid not being able to work in the future, and then proceeding to simply push through the fainting and study the Latin grammar. When he says that day he finally understood what a neurosis is, is he saying the anxiety around study was bringing about the physiological response of fainting, but such responses, if brought to the conscious, can be controlled (and controlled immediately in one sitting, albeit with a string drove to do so in his case)?
Also, why does Jung feel guilt and shame around the event, (intrinsically it seems, aside from others' opinions too) and seem to give the idea that he orchestrated the event, it seems he's referring to being the cause of even the part where he got pushed by the other boy? Is this more of a spiritual take where because he didn't want to study, his desire became reality (in a painful way) and therefore he felt guilty for wanting to find escapism from study? Or is it more literal?
Also is a point being made in the final paragraph that being in solitude for the purpose of exploring nature and spirituality, and using escapism, away from society, can lead to and exacerbate a neurosis?
So I ask all of this yes out of a growing interest in psychology especially Jungian, but very practically because I'm trying to understand how I can solve challenges regarding my own studies.
I'm currently studying maths at university, and have had challenges with studying since the time following Covid 19. These included moving school to one where I was one of very few new students, bullying, longing for the past (both previous school and how life was pre-covid), along with study becoming a lot more independent. As well as away from school: having challenges navigating my beliefs, home life as a 2nd gen (born in country of origin but moved as a baby) where cultural values between home and current country clashed, and just generally (especially following standstills due to lockdowns), realising both practically and in in my observations (which I would ruminate on regardless of if I could do anything to solve the challenges whether personal or in some news article), very suddenly and rapidly, that the world is a very harsh place, very different from how I once viewed it with rose-tinted glasses.
There's several factors to consider, that could be making studying effectively more challenging, of course even without what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Studying poses its own innate challenges as learning new content is challenging in itself. So now differentiating this from these challenges is yet anther challenge to overcome.
Nevertheless, alongside working on overcoming the 'side challenges' I'll call them, my main pursuit has consistently been to 'push through' as it seems Jung did to improve his studies. I would say I've done well overall, come a long way, and I am proud of my achievements, yet there have beent several occurences of not meeting goals, (causing an unplanned gap year), and also a failed exam despite consistent efforts. Yes, there's more I could have done to avoid that failure, and I know there are topics I didn't fully understand even by the time the exam came, and there are extended practice sheets (not complusory but helpful practice, and I did all the compulsory work and then my own extra study including asking questions on what I didn't yet understand) that were available that I'm doing now in preparation to re-sit the exam. All of this is to say, despite this, it feels too much like some sort of cycle of underperformance I need to break out of, yet pushing through seems to be becoming less effective. In slightly-post-covid-but-pre-university times, it was things like missing the top grade I needed by a few marks, but I have never failed an exam before this.
For more context, just a few months pre-Covid I was scoring not only best in year but in the whole school in mathematics, and yes I worked very hard, but it didn't feel like I was walking through fire to do so, and was excelling in almost all of my subjects, and also really enjoying the process of learning, with much better mood overall, and was even getting quite fit! Even if I was albeit on auto-plilot of having a streak of good previous results, and didn't even believe mental health 'existed' or could have a serious impact on how people function from what I'd heard, and they should just push through, which of course is what I'm actually now trying to figure out. In regards to getting my mental health sorted, I'm working on doing that as much as I know how to, and learning through knowledge on reddit and more, without being triggered to the point of having study affected, and have reached out for advice.
These days I'm fighting the self-doubt of repeated underperformance and anxiety about my current study methods and more fundamentally if I'm even targeting the right areas, not being completely sure of what went wrong in certain past exams since scripts aren't returned.
I've done so much research on studying smarter not harder, and fighting perfectionistic tendencies of reading the notes on the topic that precede the questions for so long that I've used all energy on that rather than active practice, (and then procrastinate or even fall asleep at my desk) especially for a subject like mathematics where practice is key.
If anyone of this subreddit could give any insight into this I'd truly appreciate it. If it helps, I'm INFJ-T the last 5 times I did the Myers-Briggs test. Thank you.
I've pasted an excerpt below on Carl Jung's book 'Memories, Dreams and Reflections' approx pages 44-49:
EXCERPT:
"Whenever it was a question of an equivalence, then it was said that a : a, b : b, and so on. This I could accept, whereas a : b seemed to me a downright lie or a fraud. I was equally outraged when the teacher stated in the teeth of his own definition of parallel lines that they met at infinity. This seemed to me no better than a stupid trick to catch peasants with, and I could not and would not have anything to do with it. My intellectual morality fought against these whimsical inconsistencies, which have forever debarred me from understanding mathematics. Right into old age I have had the incorrigible feeling that if, like my schoolmates, I could have accepted without a struggle the proposition that a : b, or that sun : moon, dog = cat, then mathematics might have fooled me endlessly--just how much I only began to realize at the age of eighty four. All my life it remained a puzzle to me why it was that I never managed to get my bearings in mathematics when there was no doubt whatever that I could calculate properly. Least of all did I understand my own moral doubts concerning mathematics. Equations I could comprehend only by inserting specific numerical values in place of the letters and verifying the meaning of the operation by actual calculation. As we went on in mathematics I was able to get along, more or less, by copying out algebraic formulas whose meaning I did not understand, and by memorizing where a particular combination of letters had stood on the blackboard. I could no longer make headway by substituting numbers, for from time to time the teacher would say, "Here we put the expression so and-so," and then he would scribble a few letters on the blackboard. I had no idea where he got them and why he did it--the only reason I could see was that it enabled him to bring the procedure to what he felt was a satisfactory conclusion. I was so intimidated by my incomprehension that I did not dare to ask any questions. Mathematics classes became sheer terror and torture to me. Other subjects I found easy; and as, thanks to my good visual memory, I contrived for a long while to swindle my way through mathematics, I usually had good marks. But my fear of failure and my sense of smallness in face of the vast world around me created in me not only a dislike but a kind of silent despair which completely ruined school for me. In addition, I was exempted from drawing classes on grounds of utter incapacity. This in a way was welcome to me, since it gave me more free time; but on the other hand it was a fresh defeat, since I had some facility in drawing, although I did not realize that it depended essentially on the way I was feeling. I could draw only what stirred my imagination. But I was forced to copy prints of Greek gods with sightless eyes, and when that wouldn't go properly the teacher obviously thought I needed something more naturalistic and set before me the picture of a goat's head. This assignment I failed completely, and that was the end of my drawing classes. To my defeats in mathematics and drawing there was now added a third: from the very first I hated gymnastics. I could not endure having others tell me how to move. I was going to school in order to learn something, not to practice useless and senseless acrobatics. Moreover, as a result of my earlier accidents, I had a certain physical timidity which I was not able to overcome until much later on. This timidity was in turn linked with a distrust of the world and its potentialities. To be sure, the world seemed to me beautiful and desirable, but it was also filled with vague and incomprehensible perils. Therefore I always wanted to know at the start to what and to whom I was entrusting myself. Was this perhaps connected with my mother, who had abandoned me for several months? When, as I shall describe later, my neurotic fainting spells began, the doctor forbade me to engage in gymnastics, much to my satisfaction. I was rid of that burden--and had swallowed another defeat. The time thus gained was not spent solely on play. It permitted me to indulge somewhat more freely the absolute craving I had developed to read every scrap of printed matter that fell into my hands. My twelfth year was indeed a fateful one for me. One day in the early summer of 1887 I was standing in the cathedral square, waiting for a classmate who went home by the same route as myself. It was twelve o'clock, and the morning classes were over. Suddenly another boy gave me a shove that knocked me off my feet. I fell, striking my head against the curbstone so hard that I almost lost consciousness. For about half an hour afterward I was a little dazed. At the moment I felt the blow the thought flashed through my mind: "Now you won't have to go to school any more." I was only half unconscious, but I remained lying there a few moments longer than was strictly necessary, chiefly in order to avenge myself on my assailant. Then people picked me up and took me to a house nearby, where two elderly spinster aunts lived. From then on I began to have fainting spells whenever I had to return to school, and whenever my parents set me to doing my homework. For more than six months I stayed away from school, and for me that was a picnic. I was free, could dream for hours, be anywhere I liked, in the woods or by the water, or draw. I resumed my battle pictures and furious scenes of war, of old castles that were being assaulted or burned, or drew page upon page of caricatures. Similar caricatures sometimes appear to me before falling asleep to this day, grinning masks that constantly move and change, among them familiar faces of people who soon afterward died. Above all, I was able to plunge into the world of the mysterious. To that realm belonged trees, a pool, the swamp, stones and animals, and my father's library. But I was growing more and more away from the world, and had all the while faint pangs of conscience. I frittered away my time with loafing, collecting, reading, and playing. But I did not feel any happier for it; I had the obscure feeling that I was fleeing from myself. I forgot completely how all this had come about, but I pitied my parents' worries. They consulted various doctors, who scratched their heads and packed me off to spend the holidays with relatives in Winterthur. This city had a railroad station that proved a source of endless delight to me. But when I returned home everything was as before. One doctor thought I had epilepsy. I knew what epileptic fits were like and I inwardly laughed at such nonsense. My parents became more worried than ever. Then one day a friend called on my father. They were sitting in the garden and I hid behind a shrub, for I was possessed of an insatiable curiosity. I heard the visitor saying to my father, "And how is your son?" "Ah, that's a sad business," my father replied. "The doctors no longer know what is wrong with him. They think it may be epilepsy. It would be dreadful if he were incurable. I have lost what little I had, and what will become of the boy if he cannot earn his own living?" I was thunderstruck. This was the collision with reality. "Why, then, I must get to work!" I thought suddenly. From that moment on I became a serious child. I crept away, went to my father's study, took out my Latin grammar, and began to cram with intense concentration. After ten minutes of this I had the finest of fainting fits. I almost fell off the chair, but after a few minutes I felt better and went on working. "Devil take it, I'm not going to faint," I told myself, and persisted in my purpose. This time it took about fifteen minutes before the second attack came. That, too, passed like the first. "And now you must really get to work!" I stuck it out, and after an hour came the third attack. Still I did not give up, and worked for another hour, until I had the feeling that I had overcome the attacks. Suddenly I felt better than I had in all the months before. And in fact the attacks did not recur. From that day on I worked over my grammar and other schoolbooks every day. A few weeks later I returned to school, and never suffered another attack, even there. The whole bag of tricks was over and done with! That was when I learned what a neurosis is. Gradually the recollection of how it had all come about returned to me, and I saw clearly that I myself had arranged this whole disgraceful situation. That was why I had never been seriously angry with the schoolmate who pushed me over. I knew that he had been put up to it, so to speak, and that the whole affair was a diabolical plot on my part. I knew, too, that this was never going to happen to me again. I had a feeling of rage against myself, and at the same time was ashamed of myself. For I knew that I had wronged myself and made a fool of myself in my own eyes. Nobody else was to blame; I was the cursed renegade! From then on I could no longer endure my parents' worrying about me or speaking of me in a pitying tone. The neurosis became another of my secrets, but it was a shameful secret, a defeat. Nevertheless it induced in me a studied punctiliousness and an unusual diligence. Those days saw the beginnings of my conscientiousness, practiced not for the sake of appearances, so that I would amount to something, but for my own sake. Regularly I would get up at five o'clock in order to study, and sometimes I worked from three in the morning till seven, before going to school. What had led me astray during the crisis, was my passion for being alone, my delight in solitude. Nature seemed to me full of wonders, and I wanted to steep myself in them. Every stone, every plant, every single thing seemed alive and indescribably marvelous. I immersed myself in nature, crawled, as it were, into the very essence of nature and away from the whole human world."

Lore:
Nothing here, fill whatever you want with it. I don't particularly care.
System:
Rheosemion, from the prefix rheo- ( which means flow in Greek) and -semion ( sign) is a runic and alchemical magic system. Originated from rift-cracks, which are supernatural fracture surfaces that churn out Uno fluid. When Uno crystallizes, it forms Unozite, a hexagonal-structure crystal that is used to carve onto a surface following a specific pattern, creating scratches with the capability of storing liquid with a predetermined volume.
The runes are a set of logographs, discovered scatteredly across that world, yet mostly discovered surrounding places with rift-cracks.
To activate the rune, firstly it needs to be filled up to the brim. When the runes is filled up and overfilled, it creates a state called Overflow, and during this state, all of the liquid would flow out until the rune is empty again. ( You can have perpetual machines, great.) During Overflow, the rune is activated, and how long the effect lasts depends on the liquid volume, flowing rate, viscosity, etc. However, during Overflow, the rune is not capable of absorbing fluids and only starts to reabsorb after emptying everything.
Rift-cracks interestingly can only absorb Uno, yet when Overflows it always flows out more than it absorbs, so it is quite regenerative. During overflow, the volume within a rift-crack expands. Regardless, rift-cracks reabsorb Uno quite slowly, so you better find another flowing rift-cracks
The rune can be filled with any kind of liquid, yet it can transform liquids alchemically. This is a highly selective process, one type of rune can only transform one kind of liquid. Runes also have special thermal properties. It can only transform liquid-to-liquid: the liquid it is holding and the transformation result must share an overlapped range of temperature that both are liquid. For example, water can be converted to anything as long as its melting point is higher than 0 but smaller than 100. ( Still can be transformed into something that melts at 95C, and that is another thermodynamic hack. ). Reabsorption will cause the rune to cease to repeat the Overflowing cycle due to density and volume change, and even if the same liquid conducts Overflow, it will no longer transform; the transformation is directional.
Special runes include rift-cracks, which can not be replicated, and Rheomancite. It can create a field surrounding which blocks the flow of liquid - which can even block the absorption of a rune. If a Rheomancite activates, all the runes surrounding it cannot Overflow.
Application :
Potions. Eh.
Mostly this system offers an excellent method for storing extremely dangerous substances like acids, or flammable substances like gasoline, by storing liquids on 2D surfaces. You can have a tablet made of inert materials carved by Unozite, then install it inside a pipe - that would discharge enough liquid across the system. With a carefully arranged system of runes within a syringe, you can turn water and juices into high-grade potions, which can be injected directly into your veins.
What was not mentioned, is that the runes have their effects during Overflow: from discharging electricity, chilling, heating, manipulating surrounding pressures, releasing toxins....etc. Imagine if you throw a bottle in which the runes heat the liquid, or have a staff that telekinetically hovers an Unozite crystal carving into some surface behind the enemy line, then conjure a rain. The what-it-can-do is quite a lot.
Kinda wet isn't it.
edit : the system name should be Semiurrhea instead.

Tl;dr at the end
This is about field experience btw:
I needed 15 field hours for two classes I had: one for reading literacy (10) and another for math (5). It was already off to a rough start because usually it took about a week for me to get placed at a school, but this time it took me almost two months and half of my semester had gone by. I finally got in contact with someone at the school and I was told to come in to be placed with a teacher. This was all new to me because when I had done my field experience in the past, the coordinator in charge just sent me an email with the teacher who I’d be doing observations with after I explained what my requirements were. This time I was sent to a teacher who I assumed was the field coordinator and she asked me what I needed done…which I had explained through email, but I guess she had forgotten. I needed a few hours a math at any elementary grade level (she was a 5th grade math teacher), and a few hours of reading in a K-2nd grade classroom. She agreed to let me do my math hours in her classroom and said she would need time to find a reading teacher for me and that I had to wait. I finished only one day of observations with her before everything went left.
I came back another day to complete my hours at the arranged time we set up and when I came to the front desk, the office clerk told me she (the math teacher) wasn’t there and that I’d have to come back another time. Plus what really made me think she wasn’t there was because I saw her walking to her car and she didn’t come back for a while, so I was going to go back home. She comes back into to the building right before I left and asked me why I was leaving because she had no intentions of going home for the day, so I was basically given incorrect information from the office clerk and wasted a lot of time. That day I didn’t really get that many hours done because so much time had passed, so I asked to schedule a time again to finish up the rest of my hours and to see if there was an update on finding a reading teacher.
About a week later, I was able to be placed with someone to do my reading hours, but it was hard trying to schedule a time to meet. She’d tell me to come in one day, but cancel on me like 10 or 20 minutes before I was supposed to come in multiple times and the more she did it, the closer my deadlines were. I tried getting an extension from my professor because another month had passed and I still wasn’t finished, but unfortunately, we weren’t allowed to do that. Anyway, I went to the school’s office again I think to finish up the last day of my math hours and I saw the reading teacher and asked if she’d be available to have me come to her class on a day that we hadn’t originally agreed on since her schedule was so busy and that was the only other day I had available. She told me it was fine and so the next week I show up on that day and she goes “Oh, I don’t know why they let you in here. I wasn’t expecting you today” after she literally told me I could come!! And then when I came back to the front of the school, I get a call from the math teacher who began to speak to me in a very condescending tone and proceeds to tell me that I couldn’t just show up to their school whenever I wanted to and that this whole situation was my fault because I didn’t communicate and never showed up on time. I was only ever late once due to traffic, but besides that, I came when I was supposed to and arrived on time. I also communicated with them through email, but the day I spoke to the reading teacher in the office I didn’t get her words in writing and I think that really messed me up. Lesson learned though.
After that encounter, I was pretty upset because all I wanted to do was finish my work and it wasn’t happening, so I contacted the principal and added the teachers to an email and I guess she spoke with them because they both started attacking me. They told the principal that they didn’t need to be held liable for anything because I was always sleeping in their class, didn’t pay attention because my back was always turned to my laptop, and didn’t interact with their students. IT’S AN OBSERVATION!! Nowhere in my requirements did it say that I had to interact with their students. I greeted them of course because I’m sure they were curious about why a new person was in their classroom, but I was strictly told I was only there to observe and take notes. My back was turned because I was trying to complete my assignments and there was no time for me to sleep even if I wanted to because for one, I had plenty of work to do, and for two, the chairs and desks were so uncomfortable and tiny and there were times where I was sitting on a floor. I just thought that was interesting to say the least because there was no time to sleep….
Anyway, long story short, I got in contact with whoever was in charge of field placement for my district and I was just so upset when I talked to him that I was just in tears and couldn’t even tell him what was wrong. I guess somehow he understood what I telling him because eventually I was able to get placed at a different school, but that whole experience was just so off-putting and I’m just afraid that I’ll have to go through something like this again. I really want to be a teacher and I understand that teachers have to go through a lot, especially those who are tasked with dealing with their students and helping those with field experience, but it doesn’t hurt to be kind and have patience. I’m just trying to learn and take in as much as I can before I actually start doing this on my own.
Tl;dr: Basically, I was assigned to this school to do my field hours and the teacher who was in charge of field placements was a bit disorganized and irritable. I was assigned another teacher who I needed to complete a portion of my field hours with as well who claimed to me very busy and could barely accommodate me at all. It resulted in me having to prolong something that really should’ve taken about a week to complete and as a result, it made me very frustrated because I had deadlines to meet. I start my student teaching soon and I am worried that I’ll have a similar experience, so I am looking for any advice or just anyone that can relate to what I’ve gone through to see how they were able to overcome it.
Sorry for the long message :)

TW: SH, co-dependency, divorce, drug-use, alcohol-use
This is long, apologies and thank you if you get through the whole vent.
I used to be quite popular as a kid. I had a group of friends I had known from Pre-Primary to Year 8. Then the GFC hit, my parents went bankrupt and we moved across the country. From Year 7 (I had to go back a year due to school age laws differing across states) to Grade 10 I had another group of friends. Things were good.
In Grade 10, I became co-dependent with my best friend and I began to isolate myself because I didn't feel the 'need' to nurture other friendships because we had each other. It was obsessive, possessive and entirely unhealthy. I subconsciously and consciously rejected anyone else's attempts at friendship. This worsened as my parents' relationship broke down.
The friendship continued until Grade 12 and ended in a dumpsterfire. My depression became severe. I moved back to my home state and started university while living with relatives. My co-dependency with my mother became severe. My depression increased. I self-harmed every day.
I met my next best friend. She was also severely mentally ill. I repeated the pattern of obsessive, possessive co-dependency. She introduced me to her friendship group, where alcohol binging became heavy weed use and then heavier drugs. I became friends with others in the group then my behaviour while on intoxicants ruined those friendships. I was diagnosed bipolar during this time.
Eventually my behaviour pushed my best friend too far and we 'broke up'. I tried to make friends with people from a group that sometimes partied with us but that went nowhere. I was friends with one girl who was also an ex-group member and we would meet and complain about the group and smoke weed. We had nothing else in common. We drifted apart.
I started dating a boy and desperately tried to befriend his friendship group. I was an alcoholic at that point and still smoking weed. Our relationship broke down due to my behaviour and his inability to be honest with himself. Four of his friends became my friends instead. Three of these friendships didn't work out for various reasons.
I now have one friend. He's great. No co-dependency or possessiveness or obsessiveness. Healthy. I have my own partner and the relationship is likewise healthy and co-dependence free. I'm low contact with my mother. I'm better.
But I don't know how to make friends. I'm scared of making female friends. I'm scared of my brain and my past patterns and behaviours.
I've signed up to MeetUp groups and on Bumble BFF but I can't commit to the time and effort it takes to make new friends. I just delete and never go back.
I'm terrified of rejection. I'm terrified of repeating the past.
I'm 27F and I have one friend.
Thanks for reading.

In Nikken's Threefold World, which is "the world of unenlightened beings who transmigrate within the Six Paths" [Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Humanity and Heaven] ... the 2nd chapter describes the structure of Nikken's World of Hunger.

Table of Contents

1. The Takanos
2. Temple Gucci
3. A Diligent and Useful Priest
4. Seeya, Shiba ... Or, How To Keep Your Temple
5. Who Are These Guys ?
6. Definition of Hunger (Gaki)
7. Getting Some Help
8. The Survivor Gita

1. The Takanos

It is well known that Nichiren Shoshu high priest Nikken Abe has acquired the name of Abe through legal proceedings, because his mother, the tonsured (bald) Nichiren Shoshu nun Myoshu Ama was originally named Suma Hikosaka, and he was born as the out-of-wedlock progeny of Nikkai Abe, the 60th High Priest.
What is less well-known ... is that sly Suma played a trick on the old man Nikkai. She simply could not get pregnant from the dried up old prune, so she had another priest boy-friend on the side, by the name of Hogen Takano (later renamed as Nichijin). The resemblance between natural father and son, and lack of resemblance between the two Abes is very obvious.
So it's no surprise that Taishin Takano, the latest edition of the Takano clan became the "American Nikken", and has held court at the center of NST activities at Myohoji Temple in Los Angeles.
This is even though Taishin Takano's parents had still been in the SGI. Takano is the king of Gakkai-haters ... maybe because of their courageous resistance to Nikkenism.

2. Temple Gucci

Taishin Takano's wife at court in L.A. is from a famous Temple family, so of course she's a big shopper. She has always shown up in her latest Gucci coat, sporting a Luis Vuitton bag, and looking very decked-out reflecting the posh of Rodeo Drive.
This is in the pattern of the high priest's wife Masako Abe, who has been known as "the Japanese Imelda Marcos".
This makes Taishin Takano's wife, the "American Masako Abe". A perfect Brahmin wife.
In the American church tradition, the parish priest's wife (even the Bishop's wife) would always wear a cheaper coat and clothes than the richer parish wives, so as not to offend those churchgoers whose contributions were critical to supporting the church in its activities. You simply would not attack people's sense of charity lightly !!!
This sensible church tradition is not followed in Nichiren Shoshu or in any of the danto (temple-follower) Buddhist religions, where they have spread to the United States. This Brahminist cultural phenomenon is startling: where the believers support an upper class of priests and their families and their pets, while suffering in squalor and denying their own children.
This is the same as the Nembutsu tradition of Japan, where up to 70% of Japanese Buddhists have believed in a Pure Land after death, and that praying at and supporting Amida Buddha's Temple with gobs of cash will allow priestly prayers to reach their suffering departed relatives in the Western Kingdom where Amida rules, and also gain their own entrance to the Pure Land after their dreadful, suffering life and hastened departure.
They are willing to suffer this disparity of fortune, because the priesthood is a higher caste of human being, and therefore entitled to a richer and more superior life. They will bow and scrape and take better care of the priest's lodgings than their own home, and of the priest family's pets than their own children.
What is surprising is that in America, the land of opportunity and clothe coats for parson's wives, that this kind of subjugation of a hard-working underclass by a parasitic priesthood can persist !!!
And it does, right in the heart of Los Angeles at Myohoji Temple for the Takanos. America IS the land of opportunity for priests of the Asian danto tradition. [As well as crime families, like The Sopranos. Is there a difference? Yes, the Sopranos deliver on their promises.]

3. A Diligent and Useful Priest

Taishin Takano, wanting to extend his domain Northward, has sought to bring the rich territory of the San Francisco Bay Area under his control, this includes Marin County in the North, Silicon Valley to the South, the Peninsula, the vast East Bay region and the jewel in the center, San Francisco.
This incredibly wealthy area is supported in Nichiren Shoshu by Myoshinji Temple, in the East Bay.
Since 1999, the priest for Myoshinji had been Cho'on Shiba. He had, according to the members, been careful and attentive, insofar as he could be with a responsibility stretching through Washington to Alaska.
Shiba remained loyal to Nikken in the late 1980's and early 1990's, when assigned to Myohoji in Los Angeles. At that time, the Chief priest of Myohoji was Gen'ei Kudo, who left Nichiren Shoshu and became the leader of the Association for the Reformation of Nichiren Shoshu in 1992.
Remaining to face the criticism and shame at the hands of the new chief priest Takano at Myohoji, at the time of Kudo's attack on Nikken in 1992, must have been painful austerity. But Shiba did not give in and remained loyal.
Seven years later in 1999 Cho'on Shiba became Myoshinji's chief priest. It would appear that his loyalty had paid off.
Cho'on Shiba appeared to be the kind of priest that made members want to stay and support Nichiren Shoshu.
Truth was, however, that he was deceptive and sneaky in his practices, like all Nichiren Shoshu priests. Even though he was quite fluent in English when he arrived, he feigned that he could neither speak nor understand English.
This allowed the members to speak freely around him, without concern of being understood.
Of course, he understood and took note of every utterance, including who said what and whom they were talking to.
Did your priest when he initially arrived, or does your new priest appear to have struggles with English? Are there translators or English readers there at the welcome speeches? Be careful what you say when they are around, because this is a standard modus operandi for new and visiting Nichiren Shoshu priests.
In the following posting from Loree, Shiba (at Myohoji at that time) expresses the liberal attitude ... in appearance not your typical rigid authoritarian or distantly superior priest. He appears to express the world of Humanity, of concern for his parishioners ...
Green Gables ([loree.......@aol.comphilia](mailto:loree3924205677@aol.comphilia))
"Re: Food and Sex, are there any rules in Nichiren Shoshu?"

Myohoji Temple has a question and answer period sometimes after the Sunday morning gongyo. A young lady asked the priest about the guidelines for sexual activity in NST. the priest said there were no rules but if parents wanted to come and discuss it he would be happy to discuss it with them, he also said as a father he had a natural concern for his own children. He said that sexual relationships were usually okay if no one gets hurt..so he did NOT say that it was NOT permissible outside of marriage. He didn't get into the question about extramarital affairs, but that is a question for next time. His basic guideline was that no one should be hurt.

I can understand his ducking the question on extramarital affairs, a clever priest wouldn't want to drive away anyone by saying outright that some behavior is wrong. He is appearing to be nice.

Another member asked whether as Buddhists we should eat meat and he explained at length that both animal and vegetable both have the ten worlds so by choosing only one we are making a distinction. In addition he said that the animals nourish us so that we both can attain Buddhahood. He especially said that we should enjoy our food and we can chant daimoku before eating too like we do at Taisekiji.

A poison plant has ten worlds as well, and that is a specious argument. But he is appearing to be nice.

Last week I asked my priest whether it was possible to be reborn as an animal and he said that is possible for the same reasons stated above. So watch out when you are eating those carrots from hell and don't get sick.

greenie
Ummm, no comment. He is still appearing to be nice.
In another story about Shiba, Patrik observes that there is wagoso (unity following the priest) present at Myoshin-ji Temple.
Patrik A. Patterson:

Of course in Nichiren Shoshu my observation has been the priests and the members working in unity.
I remember being at Myoshinji last year and talking with one our kanji (member representitives) and Rev Shiba, and Rev Shiba was talking about his ideas for expanding our temple, because it is getting small for our growing congregation.

He has big plans for Myoshinji. He really wants to grow the Temple.
Here is a piece reposted by Craig on the Myoshinji website he maintained, where he posts the glorious results of Cho'on Shiba's Myoshinji campaign...
Craig Bratcher quoting Shiba:

On the Occasion of the 750th Anniversary Tozan By Reverend Cho-on Shiba
...
4,321 Hokkeko believers from 36 countries around the world attended the first tozan pilgrimage in October. There were 631 participants from the United States. Of these participants, 191 were from Myoshin-ji Temple. There are 78 believers currently on the second commemorative tozan pilgrimage from Myoshin-ji Temple.
There were 191 believers from Myoshinji temple who attended the first tozan pilgrimage, and this was a record for the most tozan participants from our temple at one time.

So, Cho'on Shiba's Myoshinji sent 191 out of 631 participants in the U.S. contingent to the 750th Aniversary Tozan. That's 30% of the first wave to Nikken's do-or-die Tozan from the United States, coming from just Shiba's Myoshinji Temple. [Such dedication!!! Will that be rewarded?]
I wonder how much of the remaining 70% came from the much larger Myohoji Temple? It couldn't have been larger than 30%, since Hawaii is in there as well. Uh-Oh. I wonder if that made The Takanos jealous?
Now, you would think that having that much success from one of six Temples in the United States, and a smaller one at that ... would gain Cho'on Shiba and Myoshinji Temple some consideration from the Head Temple?

4. Seeya, Shiba ... Or, How To Keep Your Temple

I'll repeat the comment from above ... Seven years later in 1999 Cho'on Shiba became Myoshinji's chief priest. It would appear that his loyalty had paid off.
But appearances are deceiving. Takano recognized in Cho'on Shiba a hard working and dedicated person, who could be used to build up Myoshinji, which could then be passed off to a highly connected crony of Nikken, to increase Takano's prestige and power, by creating connections. [Did he never study the daimyo and the Shogunate? A debt owed is a dangerous thing ... for those less-connected who have the well-connected in their debt. Never do a favor to the powerful.]
Shiba's Mistake: This is the mistaken belief that making yourself indispensably useful to the evil masters, will bring benefits and safety to the slave. The truth is otherwise.
____________ Sidebar _____________________________________________________________________________________
In the movie "Schindler's List" a Jewish inmate in a Nazi concentration camp approaches Amon Goeth, the camp commandant, demanding to be heard. She points out errors in the architecture of the construction of the building that will make it fail to function correctly later. She mentions that she was a construction supervisor with architectural training, and that she desired to make herself of use to the Germans. She is clearly oblivious to the true nature of this particular evil.
Goeth orders her to be shot. She is forced to kneel, complaining that he is making a mistake, and she can be useful. At the end, she says that this is insane (which for her is clearly true). The guard shoots her through the head (destroying this thought). Then Goeth orders that the changes she listed be made to the structure, exactly according to her intent.
This is what is known as the "cold joke" which undermines the humanity of all who hear it, by extermination of compassion. Remember this point, as it occurs again, further on.
Let's call this: "The Myth of the Useful Slave."
Slaves are dispensable at the whim of their masters. Period.
There is an interesting comparison to be made generally between:

• Nazi concentration camps with Guards and Commanders.
• Plantations in the Ante-Bellum South with Overseers and Owners.
• Slanderous Buddhist Temples (especially Nichiren Shoshu Temples) with assistant and chief priests.

Which of these is worse? I know, for myself, that one is profoundly worse than the other two.
____________ End Sidebar _________________________________________________________________________________
Shiba's big Tozan victory was later recognized by a BIG meeting. With lots of important visiting priests who have smelled chum in the water. Fresh blood. More text from Craig Bratcher's Myoshinji website ...

Myoshinji Temple World General Meeting, December 8, 2002 (this is text from a web photo album of what transpired that day, no longer online ...)

Some of the captions to note, accompanied by my commentary:

The visiting priests entering the Gohonzon room of Myoshinji Temple to begin the commemorative ceremony

The circling sharks settle in to feast.

Reverend Cho'on Shiba, Chief Priest of Myoshinji Temple, approaching the alter to make offerings to Gohonzon.

Very pretty altar. The unconnected priest is offering his life to the more highly-connected priests. "An unfortunate selection of ancestors.", they surmise.

Reverend Nisshi Obayashi, Director of the Nichiren Shoshu Overseas Bureau, presenting his address

The jaws of the largest shark distend as he darts in for the first slashing BITE. The waters turn red, then yellow about the poor, foolish, unknowing, and now fatally stricken priest.

Reverend Nitto Ohmura, Chief of the Nichiren Shoshu Study Department, presenting his address

Ohmura thinks: "There must be something in the Gosho about submitting to evil authority, mustn't there be ???... Let me see ... Oh, re-interpreting the Gosho correctly is such a lot of work, what a bother. Some other time."

Reverend Taishin Takano, Nichiren Shoshu Temple President, presenting his address

Takano thinks: "This is my address, and is where to send the Gokuyo offerings in the future, so parishioners, don't forget !!!"

Reverend Cho'on Shiba, Chief Priest of Myoshinji Temple, offering words of appreciation

This is a much smaller picture. As if he is receding into the distance already. "And a little severed hand sinks into the swirling waters..."

396 People attended the 750th Anniversary Commemorative Ceremonies

Quite a large crowd for a Nichiren Shoshu gathering.
Get a clue, priests of no consequence:

• If you want to keep your temple for another week, don't have big turnouts when the powerful, well-connected visitors show up.
• Don't send large numbers on tozan.
• Don't report the large donations.
• Get the koto on your side and hide the money ...
• Anywhere.
• Above all, do not tempt the dragon in taisekiji with a tasty morsel.
• He has an enormous appetite. And don"t post pictures of all of the fun you are having with the members on the web.
• Just take your temple to the other side (Soka Gakkai), before it gets rolled up into the High Priest's extended family business.

Which is clearly what will happen with every single Nichiren Shoshu Temple in every country. They will all ultimately be run personally by someone from the six Brahmin families in the First Rank (Abe, Takano, Ishii, Hayase, Kimura and Imano).
Then the families will start the final battle for dominance: one by one, they will be edged out until a single Survivor family is left, as the ultimate winner of the Survivor Gita.
So, Shiba's big triumphant meeting was followed in 13 months by ... the transfer ceremony. Shiba is going to work for Obayashi [the biggest visiting shark, above] as a secretary in the Nichiren Shoshu Overseas Bureau. Also from the website:

Jan 21, 2004 -
The Ceremony conducted January 21, 2004, upon the reassignment of Reverend Cho'on Shiba. Reverend Shiba was the 3rd Chief Priest of Myoshinji Temple.

Past tense. Was. Man, that was fast. These guys don't waste any time. If Shiba had known, there might have been enough time to grab the Temple and join the Reform movement.

The Gongyo ceremony preceding the formal transfer of the Chief Priest's duties from Reverend Shiba to Reverend Takano.

Now it's Takano's Temple to give away. He has an astonishing plan, to make a move that works if the First Rank families win, if the Nichijyun Fujimoto-Obayashi alliance of the Overseas Bureau wins, or if there is open rebellion against Nikken's successor.

Reverend Takano, the Nichiren Shoshu Temple President, accepting his temporary appointment until Reverend Kimura is officially appointed in March 2004.

1. Kimura is one of Nikken's six families in the First Rank. This satisfies the insatiable greed of the Brahmins in the First Rank.
2. It undermines Shiba's family, and he is Nobody. If a tree falls in the forest, and Nobody is around, is there a sound? Nobody knows. Nobody notices.
3. This is such an overt move, it is sure to strike fear into the hearts of those in the big and wealthy overseas temples, who are in Second Rank clans (Kshatriya - Proxy-Ruler and Warrior caste), or Third Rank clans (Vaishya - Merchant, Farmer caste). Takano knows this, as does Obayashi and Nichijyun Fujimoto. This plays into their hands, as it raises the twin demons of hostile resentment and fear in those unconnected priests, outside the Brahmin enclave.

Win. Win. Win. Taishin Takano must be hugging himself in delight.

Reverend Ishibashi, Chief of Internal Affairs for the Overseas Department, between Reverend Takahashi and Reverend Shiba. Although Reverend Shiba had a sad face for the camera, it is believed he was actually looking forward to his new position with the Bureau of Foreign Affairs.

This comment, actually public in the website, about Shiba looking sad? It is a textbook example of the "cold joke", which removes one's compassion. It is designed to get all website readers and viewers of it to gloat. Gloating on anyone's suffering is the behavior of the Devil King of the Sixth Heaven, in each and every case.

Reverend Shiba's family performing Gongyo in the temple lobby during the Transfer Ceremony.

His family doing Gongyo IN THE LOBBY. Man, do they look tiny and forlorn. Well ... off they go. It's not too late to join with Gen'ei Kudo and the Reform movement. You've dug a deep hole, Shiba, but you can get out. The exit door is a phone. Just dial it.
Cho'on Shiba was elevated to a great height by the priesthood, and given an opportunity to show what he could do, be all that he could be. In the end his reward for all that effort went to those who were better connected than he.
He was in the Second Rank, a Kshatriya warrior, placed high in the order of names at any gathering of priests.
Now Shiba has slipped into obscurity, and he has joined the Fourth Rank of Shudra ... the Laborers of little consequence and no hope for the future.

5. Who Are These Guys?

Well, Shogu Kimura is well-connected. He has correctly executed his selection of ancestors, unlike Cho'on Shiba, who has chosen obscurity and isolation from power.
You make your bed, and then you sleep in it. That is, unless you can kick someone else out of their carefully-made bed.
In Shogu Kimura's case he has selected a brother, named Shinryu Kimura, who has married the oldest daughter of Yuriko Abe and Gijun Hayase, who is the grand-daughter of high priest Nikken Abe. Excellent work, Shogu !!!

Kimura's installation:
Myoshinji Temple's Fourth Chief Priest
Transfer Ceremony
March 7th, 2004
(San Francisco, California, United States of America)
On March 7th, 2004, at San Francisco's Myoshinji Temple, Rev. Shogu Kimura's Transfer Ceremony was conducted solemnly and successfully. The former Chief Priest Rev. Cho'on Shiba recently became a Chief Secretary of the Overseas Bureau, and Rev. Kimura was transferred to take his place.

Some events went unmentioned here. As in the "Silence of the Lambs", when Clarice of the FBI visits the site of Buffalo Bill's first victim, she remembers Hannibal Lecter's words about "simplicity" and "we covet what we see".
First, they see what Shiba has built, then they covet what Shiba has built, and then they remove him, to take what Shiba has built.
Dai-Rokuten-No-Mao, the Devil King of the Sixth Heaven (another famous Brahmin) is the function which gloats in enjoyment while enjoying the fruits of the labor of others, making sure that those others are crushed in the process.

The day before the ceremony, at 11:00 am, Myoshinji's affairs were passed from the NST president, Rev. Takano to Rev. Kimura, and the next day, March 7th, at 11:00 am, the Transfer Ceremony was held.
From Japan, Hoshoji Temple's Chief Priest, Rev. Eijyun Ishii, as well as several other relative priests attended this ceremony. From the U.S.A., the NST President and Los Angeles' Myohoji Temple Chief Priest, Reverend Taishin Takano, as well as some representative priests attended. Myoshinji Temple's Koto, as well as a large number of this temple's believers also attended to celebrate and welcome the new Chief Priest.

Eijyun Ishii, brother of Shinryo Ishii (the number-one "Uchideshi" who married Nikken's "Osage Watashi": Natsuko), is the BIC for this ceremony: Brahmin-In-Charge representing Nikken. "Let's Get This Party Started" is the motto for the day.

Rev. Kimura sincerely conducted Kenzen (the offering of rice), Dokkyo (the ceremonial recitation of the Lotus Sutra) and Shodai (chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo). Rev. Takano then gave his congratulatory speech, and officially introduced Myoshinji Temple's new Chief Priest, Rev. Shogu Kimura. Next, Rev. Ishii, and the Myoshinji Temple Koto, also shared congratulatory speeches. Lastly, Rev. Kimura addressed all participants in Japanese and English, asking them to sincerely and respectfully share his appreciation and determination.

Definitely, congratulations are in order. Shiba has built up a real cash-cow operation here, and the Koto runs it smoothly and automatically. It's like ... Nirvana for our brightest Brahmin boy, Shogu Kimura.
And it's a well-earned reward, received from Shiba. Shiba's begrudging the gift ... only improves the savory taste in Shogu's mouth.

After an intermission, a commemorative photo was taken in the Main Hall, smoothly completing the Transfer Ceremony.

Bbbbut ... where's Shiba? Guess he didn't feel like having fun.
You really ought to show up at your own wake, since the funeral's over and a party's a party. No sense of humor !!!
The participating priests from Japan: Rev. Eijyun Ishii, Rev. Jido Kimura [father], Rev. Kido Harada, Rev. Shinryu Kimura [brother], Rev. Shomyo Oba, Rev. Shoshun Sato, and Rev. Yuo Kimura. The participating priests from NST and other countries: Rev. Taishin Takano, Rev. Doko Sato, Rev. Yuzui Murata, Rev. Shokun Takahashi, and Rev. Shingaku Kato.
Notice the large crowd of priests in attendance. They really show up in droves, when one of the Ishii brothers is in town.
The Ishii boys have unlimited cash, and know how to have a good time. There will be fun, girls and booze overflowing !!!
And always remember the words of the high priest Nikken Abe to Eijyun Ishii's brother Shinryo:

At the National Teacher's guidance meeting held on 26 May 1994, Nikken attempted to protect Shinryo from the criticism of [a priest] Nikken said, "If someone asked you whether you have visited a red-light town while you were young, just answer "Yes, I did." If someone asked whether you have bought a land, just answer "Yes, I did." Don't worry about such trivial matters!"
Yeah, worry about the party matters. Babes and booze are non-trivial issues, as the high priest will tell you anytime !!!

6. Definition of Hungry Spirits (gaki)

From the SGI Dictionary:
http://www.nichirenlibrary.org/en/dic/Content/H/84
hungry spirits ［餓鬼］ (Skt preta; Jpn gaki): Also, hungry ghosts. Spirits who suffer from hunger and thirst as karmic retribution for their greed, selfishness, and jealousy while they were alive. Buddhist scriptures describe hungry spirits as beings with throats as small as needles and distended bellies. The realm of hungry spirits is said to be located five hundred yojanas beneath the earth, above the realm of hell. In that realm, food and drink turn into flames and torment the inhabitants. The realm of hungry spirits is one of the three or the four evil paths. From the standpoint of the doctrine of the Ten Worlds and their mutual possession, it represents a potential state or condition of life in which one is tormented by relentless craving. Hungry spirits are called preta in Sanskrit, which in ancient India meant the spirits of the dead. In China and Japan, the story of Maudgalyāyana's saving his mother from the realm of hungry spirits is well known. See also service for deceased ancestors.

7. Getting Some Help

If you are a Nichiren Shoshu Priest, or a Hokkeko member from anywhere in the world, and are thinking about switching to the SGI call (310) 260-8900 or contact the Headquarters at SGI Plaza.
Tell them that you are a Nichiren Shoshu Priest or Hokkeko member, and wish to speak to someone about the SGI, and what to do.

8. The Survivor Gita

Nikken, the self-appointed Usurper King of the Rats at Taisekiji, has been replaced by Nichinyo, who is an angry member of the elite, due to too many blows to the head in fights. A little punchy, he rules from weakness, since Nikken publicly had plans for his son to take over.
One thing that is known for certain: There will be a new Rat King. And then there will be another.
Another thing that is known for certain: All the alliances will change, and more than once. Anyone that has watched Survivor knows this.
Rule Number Zero:
The War of the Rodents can only be won by ... King Rat.
More to come ... These questions will be answered !!!

hi everyone, it's my first time posting here so please excuse any and all mistakes I make. I'm 20M and I'm unable to get over the pain and emotional trauma(?) my 3 year long (on and off 2 months) manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive, toxic, unfaithful gf (i did not see any of those until after the breakup when my brother helped my hopeless ass out)
it's a long story but I'll try to keep it tidy. We met when we were both in 11th grade, and we started dating after I very obviously showed I was head over heels for her in 12th grade (covid had just hit and lockdown had started). We had been friends before and lived nearby so we'd go on long walks and talk about anything and everything and enjoyed each other's company. She had been broken up with her ex for about a year but would not stop talking about him, matter of fact even up until 8 months into our relationship she was not over him, constantly mentioning him and their relationship and all that. in those early months, she also repeatedly established that she was "better" than me and I should follow her every word and would go ballistic and "break up" with me if I didn't. Now, I was(still kinda am) a very very VERY naive and gullible guy and loved her with my whole heart, she was my first girlfriend and first love and so I held nothing back. It kept going and we eventually went to our universities. she wanted for us to go to the same one but I resisted and said that we would have ended up resenting each other as we had different majors. but we were in the same timezone so that was a plus.
Man oh man if I tell you that for the first and second years of my uni I did not leave my room before 11 am and never after 7 pm, I would not be even exaggerating. She would become so fucking jealous and manipulate me into staying in my room, on a video call w her. oh how I wish I could share every single thing she did that I then thought was "awww she loves me so much" and later realized was "oh that narcissistic b-word was just using me"
I spent over $2000 on her alone, gifts and whatnot which as a student on a low ass budget is a lot for me. I would learn to cook her favourite meals, do all the romantic cheesey things she wanted. I even fucking developed characters that were cute so that we had our own little universe to escape to even in an LDR. and we would meet every 2-4 months for more than 2 weeks so it wasn't even THAT long. and in my mind at the time everything had been going great, i was so chill that she literally would yell at me "dude you never fight w me!", it had been 2 and a half years, we had just met in the summer and..... then she met a dude at her uni who had a car and I had a bad feeling in my gut since day one. she literally said "yeahhh i understand and and I love you but I'll just go with the flow". that fucking broke me and like i feared, 5 days later she kept delaying our night vc for hours and then when we hopped on, her hair and makeup was a mess and she'd met that guy in the day. I asked her bluntly and she lied to me... for 5 mins after which she confessed they had been making out for the past 3 hours, even as she texted me that everything was fine and they were just hanging out. and then she broke down and told me that that guy's mom had found out and figured out she was just using her son for his car and apparently for his body too. and me being the dumbass loverboy simp of a loser I was literally started asking her "are you okay? tell me how you're feeling, we can work through this" before she even said anything.... she had to yell at me for 30 mins a day over the next week before I finally broke down and asked her why she did it... how could she... and all that jazz.
We talked a lot about it and she agreed not to talk to him again and she even made us do couples counseling... at age 19..... which i saw nothing wrong with until after the breakup when my brother pointed it out.
we dated for another 6 months and i did everything because i blamed myself for her unfaithfulness. i had and still do have self esteem issues and thought anyone would have cheated on a loser like me ( i have been told by my brother, his gf, 15 friends and my parents that i am a sweet soul who is not meant for this cruel world) and spent like crazy on her, went into a deep depression, got diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, gained weight, flunked out of classes and oh did i mention i was pretty much not allowed to have any friends throughout the relationship?
how it ended was that it was summer, 2nd year was over and I'd popped over to visit my brother and his gf was living w him. I was crashing on their sofa-bed so they would hear my crying when one night on a call w my ex she jokingly said "heyyy so you remember how i cheated on you in October? (it was may) and how i swore it was just that one time? well.... it might have been 4 or 5 times.... i don't remember hehehe." i wish i was joking but she said that with a smile on her face, and it was a real confession and that conversation then went to her asking for a break or an open relationship because " i met you too soon you are the perfect husband and I would want you to be the father to my kids but right now I feel like I have to explore and figure out my wants and needs" and she had said this many, many, many, many, many many times before. but every time I said if you want a breakup please let's just end it. and then we would talk again because I did not want an open relationship. I just just prefer monogamy. I have nothing against people who don't. it is just my preference and I explained that to her. but every time she would just end with no. I love you. I just want to stay with you. and and then I asked she as she said that on that day I broke down completely just I could not tell like day from night and I just started crying and wailing and my brother came outside and he was worried about me and I basically begged my ex to stay with me and not leave me because I had had f****** did everything there get her. but yeah then the next morning I finally told my brother what happened which was the first time I had told anyone in my life who was a well-wisher of mine. what had been going on and he just heard about the cheating and he was like no dude you got to go. you got to get out of this and then I slowly told him everything. and yeah okay. it was a very very messy breakup. she was screaming at me on the phone. she was craving and begging and danced and all of those things we were very God dependent. she was entirely reliant on me for Annie and all like emotional gifts, support and decisions and mental support and all of those things. yeah it was messed up but I'm sorry this has gone on for a very long time but it has now been more than a year's since this happened. during this relationship she would also repeatedly over and over. try to get me and turn me against my parents and my brother spewing all shots of wild s*** about them into my ears for 3 years. so I didn't let all of it get to my head but to a point. yeah my relationship with my parents was very rocky.
I am in a better place now. I reconnected with my friends. after that I have a good relationship with my my parents and my brother and I basically blocked her on that day and I have not contacted her since. she did try to contact my friend and also emailed me around November a long ass email which genuinely seemed so weird and like AI generated which side basically that she was sorry and never meant to hurt me and all that BS and I kid you not her Instagram profile. bios for a few months has been " I thought I was being mature but in the end it was a classic case of self-sabotage" and I cringe and roll my eyes. and just yeah every time I see that not which is not very often. I I am getting better but sometimes I just look her up again on Instagram to see how she's doing. just because I, I'm not a kind of person who wishes bad for anyone. even if like someone has wronged me. I'm like sure you can still eat just not at my table like Tupac said. but yeah she is someone that I genuinely hope gets what she gave. and yeah
so even though there's it's been a year and I've I've moved, I've heard a lot of realized a lot of things that were wrong about our relationship. I realized that none of it was right even before the cheating. it was messed up very much so but but even then I can't seem to completely let go of all the memories and all the pain and grief. and more than all of that. just a lot of bent up anger that I have not only towards her but also two words. my old self where why did I like myself go through all that? why did I not stand up for myself? and yeah I guess I'm posting here. I just didn't know what to do and I've been thinking about this for a long time and I've read a lot of other posts. and yeah I hope this reaches someone who can help because I was in clinically diagnosed depression before I even got into a relationship with her and just those three yours took so much out of me. I am still in a in depression and I have now been diagnosed with ADHD and traits of OCD and I am on medication. I'm taking therapy and trying to make my life better but there are still many many days where I can't even will myself to get out of bed and I keep having suicidal thoughts and I have tried many times to end it all because I have sadly of very good memory and I remember all of the conversations and memories and fights and every single word she said and it's agonizing and I can't. I can't deal with it anymore. I need help. I can't do this anymore

hi everyone, it's my first time posting here so please excuse any and all mistakes I make. I'm 20M and I'm unable to get over the pain and emotional trauma(?) my 3 year long (on and off 2 months) manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive, toxic, unfaithful gf (i did not see any of those until after the breakup when my brother helped my hopeless ass out)
it's a long story but I'll try to keep it tidy. We met when we were both in 11th grade, and we started dating after I very obviously showed I was head over heels for her in 12th grade (covid had just hit and lockdown had started). We had been friends before and lived nearby so we'd go on long walks and talk about anything and everything and enjoyed each other's company. She had been broken up with her ex for about a year but would not stop talking about him, matter of fact even up until 8 months into our relationship she was not over him, constantly mentioning him and their relationship and all that. in those early months, she also repeatedly established that she was "better" than me and I should follow her every word and would go ballistic and "break up" with me if I didn't. Now, I was(still kinda am) a very very VERY naive and gullible guy and loved her with my whole heart, she was my first girlfriend and first love and so I held nothing back. It kept going and we eventually went to our universities. she wanted for us to go to the same one but I resisted and said that we would have ended up resenting each other as we had different majors. but we were in the same timezone so that was a plus.
Man oh man if I tell you that for the first and second years of my uni I did not leave my room before 11 am and never after 7 pm, I would not be even exaggerating. She would become so fucking jealous and manipulate me into staying in my room, on a video call w her. oh how I wish I could share every single thing she did that I then thought was "awww she loves me so much" and later realized was "oh that narcissistic b-word was just using me"
I spent over $2000 on her alone, gifts and whatnot which as a student on a low ass budget is a lot for me. I would learn to cook her favourite meals, do all the romantic cheesey things she wanted. I even fucking developed characters that were cute so that we had our own little universe to escape to even in an LDR. and we would meet every 2-4 months for more than 2 weeks so it wasn't even THAT long. and in my mind at the time everything had been going great, i was so chill that she literally would yell at me "dude you never fight w me!", it had been 2 and a half years, we had just met in the summer and..... then she met a dude at her uni who had a car and I had a bad feeling in my gut since day one. she literally said "yeahhh i understand and and I love you but I'll just go with the flow". that fucking broke me and like i feared, 5 days later she kept delaying our night vc for hours and then when we hopped on, her hair and makeup was a mess and she'd met that guy in the day. I asked her bluntly and she lied to me... for 5 mins after which she confessed they had been making out for the past 3 hours, even as she texted me that everything was fine and they were just hanging out. and then she broke down and told me that that guy's mom had found out and figured out she was just using her son for his car and apparently for his body too. and me being the dumbass loverboy simp of a loser I was literally started asking her "are you okay? tell me how you're feeling, we can work through this" before she even said anything.... she had to yell at me for 30 mins a day over the next week before I finally broke down and asked her why she did it... how could she... and all that jazz.
We talked a lot about it and she agreed not to talk to him again and she even made us do couples counseling... at age 19..... which i saw nothing wrong with until after the breakup when my brother pointed it out.
we dated for another 6 months and i did everything because i blamed myself for her unfaithfulness. i had and still do have self esteem issues and thought anyone would have cheated on a loser like me ( i have been told by my brother, his gf, 15 friends and my parents that i am a sweet soul who is not meant for this cruel world) and spent like crazy on her, went into a deep depression, got diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, gained weight, flunked out of classes and oh did i mention i was pretty much not allowed to have any friends throughout the relationship?
how it ended was that it was summer, 2nd year was over and I'd popped over to visit my brother and his gf was living w him. I was crashing on their sofa-bed so they would hear my crying when one night on a call w my ex she jokingly said "heyyy so you remember how i cheated on you in October? (it was may) and how i swore it was just that one time? well.... it might have been 4 or 5 times.... i don't remember hehehe." i wish i was joking but she said that with a smile on her face, and it was a real confession and that conversation then went to her asking for a break or an open relationship because " i met you too soon you are the perfect husband and I would want you to be the father to my kids but right now I feel like I have to explore and figure out my wants and needs" and she had said this many, many, many, many, many many times before. but every time I said if you want a breakup please let's just end it. and then we would talk again because I did not want an open relationship. I just just prefer monogamy. I have nothing against people who don't. it is just my preference and I explained that to her. but every time she would just end with no. I love you. I just want to stay with you. and and then I asked she as she said that on that day I broke down completely just I could not tell like day from night and I just started crying and wailing and my brother came outside and he was worried about me and I basically begged my ex to stay with me and not leave me because I had had f****** did everything there get her. but yeah then the next morning I finally told my brother what happened which was the first time I had told anyone in my life who was a well-wisher of mine. what had been going on and he just heard about the cheating and he was like no dude you got to go. you got to get out of this and then I slowly told him everything. and yeah okay. it was a very very messy breakup. she was screaming at me on the phone. she was craving and begging and danced and all of those things we were very God dependent. she was entirely reliant on me for Annie and all like emotional gifts, support and decisions and mental support and all of those things. yeah it was messed up but I'm sorry this has gone on for a very long time but it has now been more than a year's since this happened. during this relationship she would also repeatedly over and over. try to get me and turn me against my parents and my brother spewing all shots of wild s*** about them into my ears for 3 years. so I didn't let all of it get to my head but to a point. yeah my relationship with my parents was very rocky.
I am in a better place now. I reconnected with my friends. after that I have a good relationship with my my parents and my brother and I basically blocked her on that day and I have not contacted her since. she did try to contact my friend and also emailed me around November a long ass email which genuinely seemed so weird and like AI generated which side basically that she was sorry and never meant to hurt me and all that BS and I kid you not her Instagram profile. bios for a few months has been " I thought I was being mature but in the end it was a classic case of self-sabotage" and I cringe and roll my eyes. and just yeah every time I see that not which is not very often. I I am getting better but sometimes I just look her up again on Instagram to see how she's doing. just because I, I'm not a kind of person who wishes bad for anyone. even if like someone has wronged me. I'm like sure you can still eat just not at my table like Tupac said. but yeah she is someone that I genuinely hope gets what she gave. and yeah
so even though there's it's been a year and I've I've moved, I've heard a lot of realized a lot of things that were wrong about our relationship. I realized that none of it was right even before the cheating. it was messed up very much so but but even then I can't seem to completely let go of all the memories and all the pain and grief. and more than all of that. just a lot of bent up anger that I have not only towards her but also two words. my old self where why did I like myself go through all that? why did I not stand up for myself? and yeah I guess I'm posting here. I just didn't know what to do and I've been thinking about this for a long time and I've read a lot of other posts. and yeah I hope this reaches someone who can help because I was in clinically diagnosed depression before I even got into a relationship with her and just those three yours took so much out of me. I am still in a in depression and I have now been diagnosed with ADHD and traits of OCD and I am on medication. I'm taking therapy and trying to make my life better but there are still many many days where I can't even will myself to get out of bed and I keep having suicidal thoughts and I have tried many times to end it all because I have sadly of very good memory and I remember all of the conversations and memories and fights and every single word she said and it's agonizing and I can't. I can't deal with it anymore. I need help. I can't do this anymore

So, this girl in my class, who I will call "A" for privacy reasons, seems to be giving me signs that she may be interested in me.
She's not my type and I generally tend to talk with girls minimally since I get unconformable around them, but "A" always tries to initiate small talk with me. She also greets me with a hand clap and only does that with me because "she likes doing that with me" (I overheard that while she was talking with her friends).
Usually, I avoid continuing the small talk she initiates since (I repeat) she's not my type, but these signs piqued my interest, so I decided to test her by talking about some stuff related to school like tests, grades etc. "A" then asked me about my grades and I mentioned how I was doing well in everything except Math (it just came out of my mouth). When I mentioned that, "A" seemed supportive and said that "Even passing Maths is impressive considering the professor that teaches our class" and "Even a student with excellent grades like me is only getting okay grades in his class".
(I'm paraphrasing so these are not her exact words but they are similar enough to get the point across)
(Our professor usually expects more effort out of his students than the other Math professors at our school and makes his tests harder in an effort to make us study more)
The thing is that I'm not viewed too highly in my class, so I think she may just be teasing me.
Fellas, I need your help.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that she also gets super close to me at times, like right next to me for no reason.
To give an example, I was studying in the school hallway (our classrooms are locked during breaks) and then "A" walked up to me and was asking stuff like "What are you reading" and "Are you prepared" in what I thought was a flirty manner. I tried to give a nonchallant answer like "I'm getting ready for the test" to get her to walk away, but then she was like "This must be easy for you" (again, paraphrasing since I don't remember the exact words she said).

Hey everyone, upcoming sophomore alto sax here.
I need more respect and friendships. I am looking to become drum major my junior year and I need more connections in the band to achieve that. I tried out for drum major at the end of my freshman year and made the final 3, but I fell short in a key part of the final audition. Drum major auditions at my school have a lot of components. The first round of auditions consisted of a demo-block of marchers who had purposeful mistakes. I was tasked to call them out and correct their errors (which I successfully did within the 5 minute timeframe) the next part was to conduct a 2/4, 3/4, and 4/4 pattern in both active and passive conducting (I did that well). Then I did my salute (done that well), and I do my conducting pattern for a song (done that well.) finally, I had to do a Q & A, which with the three judges, I did very very well. My first round audition went, if I may say, perfect.
Now, the final round audition. It was conducted exactly the same, except I would audition now in front of the entire band (150 people) and I would do everything except the demo-block and I would do Q & A with the seniors. I have a hard time auditioning in front of big groups of people, I’m working very hard to overcome that. I got through my audition with a few slip ups, but it was overall ok. The Q & A was TERRIBLE however, and I ended up, as I usually do, by repeating my answers over and over and over in different context without really knowing where my sentences were going or what I was even eluding to.
Another part of the audition is the vote. Everyone in the band votes for who they wish to be drum major, and it counts for 1/3 of the overall score. I knew I would not get the majority. 1) because I was a freshman and 2) because I just don’t know enough people.
I am a generally liked person, but people just haven’t really tried getting to know me since I began marching in my 8th grade year. I feel like it’s because of my height, which people find intimidating (I’m a 15 yo girl and I’m 5’11) and also because I have a hard time making conversation (once I start talking, it’s hard to shut me up).
I just really need advice on how to get to know more people, and how to gain more respect and have a better response to questions when dealing with my anxiety. My director (who just retired this year, sadly) told me my time was very close to reality, and I would be a very big person in the band one day. I know I could get the job done, but I keep retaining myself due to my anxiety. And now, I have a new band director who doesn’t even know me or how hard I’ve worked since 6th grade for my band. Sorry for this essay of a vent, but please help!

Pam made her way to school eagerly. Not that she wasn't always eager to learn, it was just that school could be terribly dull at times, but today the Terrans would arrive. It was the most exciting thing to happen at school since Ms. Ocia got sick for a deciday and they got to spend the Cultural Studies period watching old entertainment media, even if the Terrans coming to the school were in her grade, and probably not heroic soldiers or tides-blessed super-pilots or anything yet, but everyone knew that Terrans meant adventure. Just like everyone knew that first contact with the Terrans resulted in just one Terran, ONE, killing an ENTIRE PLANET of evil villains. Mai said that that story was exaggerated, and that Sneaky only took out a gang, but Mae was fat, so what did she know? She didn't know how to not be fat, that's for sure. Anyway, even if the real story wasn't quite that exciting, with the war on there was a new Terran hero every deciday. Who knows, maybe the one joining her class would know one?
With such pleasant thoughts to occupy her, Pam skipped beside the canal where her classmates passed her by as she took the much slower land route. Most of her classmates thought she was funny for walking the whole way, but she didn't care, she liked keeping her clothes and fur dry all day long. Besides, she never got a zero on homework because of a backpack leak. Even so, she was on time. She was always punctual, boredom was no excuse to be rude, after all.
However, the Terran wasn’t anywhere to be seen as Pam and her classmates took their seats, but there was a slightly bigger desk near the door sitting empty. It didn't surprise her in the slightest that pretty much the entire class was looking around and whispering about the missing Terran rather than paying attention to Ms. Ocia until she shwacked her still-strong tail on the hard tile floor and shouted, "Settle down!"
Once her charges had assumed a semblance of prepubescent order, she said with the exasperation familiar to those who mistakenly pursued a career that involves children sitting quietly with patience, "As I was saying, we have a new student today, though from your gossip, I think you know already. Neville Neman comes from a planet in the Republic of Terra, but I'll let him introduce himself." She turned to the classroom door and called musically, "Neville, come in please."
Pam's heart pounded in her chest and her ears practically vibrated in anticipation as a bipedal form darkened the doorway, but the second the boy's gangly frame awkwardly ambled to the front of the class to take a nervous pigeon-toed stance, the sheer disappointed shock dropped her jaw open. His clothing was ill-fit and garishly colored, he wore thick corrective lenses over his eyes, his head-fur rose in an untidy mess of orange-ish curls, and all of that was made worse by the way he jittered and fidgeted in place. Pam didn't think that he looked heroic in the slightest.
Neville audibly sucked in a deep breath and let out in a rush as if to get it over with, "I’m Neville Neman, and I come from a planet in the Republic called Hope Eight. I know, it's not the most creative colony name, but I can tell you about it later if you care. Anyway, my dad's here to consult with your latest shipbuilding project and Mom doesn't like station life, so we're living planetside. I hope we can be friends if you want."
Then, he just stood there until Ms. Ocia realized that he'd rambled through his little introduction without pausing for breath. "Thank you Neville, please take your seat I'm sure you'll make lots of friends here," she told him before activating the board to show the basic math lesson they'd left of with on the last math lesson and going into an explanation of decimals that Pam tried super hard to pay attention to. Followed by a lesson on poetry that Mae tried less hard to pay attention to, and then it was time for recess.
The very instant that Ms. Ocia dismissed the class, all fifteen students, except for Neville for obvious reasons, attempted to crowd around the gangly boy. However, he proved more deft than he had at first appeared. That, or the general press of grade-schoolers trying to all swarm through desk rows against the grain gave him a few precious seconds to make good his escape through the door. Pam wondered whether he could psychically tell that everyone wanted to ask questions, and so ran away before anyone could get him.
The entire twenty minute recess was wasted by practically the entire school looking for a single boy without success, but he did appear again when the bell tolled for class to begin again. Then, he materialized in the hallway while his new classmates were filing into their classroom to continue their lessons for the day. Pam was so distracted by trying to figure out how in the currents he could have possibly done that, that she had no idea what Ms. Ocia was droning on about until lunchtime. Could Terrans turn invisible? Some cuttlefish could blend in to their surroundings, so maybe Terrans could do that too? Or maybe his shipbuilder dad had super-top-secret stealth tech he gave him? She just had so many questions!
Then, the bell for lunchtime was tolling, but Ms. Ocia was giving instructions, "Now, I know you're excited, but it's obvious that Neville doesn't like to be crowded or charged by a mob of fifteen of you. So you're to give him at least a tail's length, and allow him to eat his lunch. Understand?"
The usual put-upon drone of children on the receiving end of a lecture they deserved came, "Yes, Ms. Ocia."
"Okay, you can go to lunch now, anyone who breaks that rule will take a demerit home."
More groaning and mumbling answered as the class dug lunchboxes, meal-tickets, or credit chits out of their backpacks and filed out the door. Pam had hoped to walk and talk with Neville, but those gangly legs just ate up the tile, and try as she or any of her classmates might, the gap between him and they only grew. However, they did catch up to him at the lunch tables where he was already eating… well he was eating something. "What are you eating?" Mai asked between panting breaths. Of course Mai would waste the first question on food, the fatty.
"Oh," Neville said after swallowing a bite. "It's a sandwich, sliced filling between two outer bread slices, this one is ham and cheese."
"What's ham?" Mac asked, and Pam glared daggers at Mai for getting the topic stuck on food instead of something more interesting like what kind of super powers Neville might have.
"Ham is a cured meat product made from a livestock animal," Neville answered before taking another bite.
Pam decided that whatever language he was speaking with under what her translator implant was playing in here ear sounded nice as someone else asked, "What's bread?"
"Uh… well so there's like grains that get farmed an-"
"Oh, so it's grain based? I wonder if we can eat it…" Mai interrupted, because of course she did.
Neville only shrugged before taking a pull from a water bottle and Pam took the opportunity to ask a real question, "Can you read minds?"
Water shot out of Neville's nostrils and he started making the most awful hacking coughing sounds as some of the other girls glared at Pam while somebody asked, "Are you okay? Do you need medical?"
Eventually, Neville managed to wheeze, "I'm fine. I'm fine. That's just what happens to a Human if we laugh while trying to drink something," to which Pam let out a relieved sigh. "Erm, no. I can't read minds. Why would you ask that?"
"Well, 'cause you escaped at recess."
"I could see you all coming. All of you looking at me, all of you coming my way… I just didn't want to get squished."
Bix piped up, "How did you hide?"
"I'm not telling that. What if I want to hide again?"
"Do you have camouflaging pigment sacks in your skin?" Pam pressed.
Neville tilted his head to one side and said slowly, "No… that's a weird thing to ask…"
"Is it? We don't know how your biology works."
"I thought that us being warm-blooded bipeds was common knowledge by now…"
"Well, did you use advanced top-secret stealth tech from your dad?"
"If I did, I wouldn't be allowed to say so."
"Wait," said Bix, "I thought you were a Terran, but you said you're a Human?"
"Oh, I'm a Terran because my ancestors are from Terra, and I'm a Human because that's my species, or race? Whichever, I guess. Not all Terrans are Humans, if you didn't already know."
A low murmur of excitement ran through the crowd and Mae asked, "What other races are Terrans?"
"The Doggos, the Bigkitties, the Digitans, and the Chimpmandos."
"Did you evolve together on Terra?"
"Erm, I don't know really. Except the Digitans, they're digital sapients, so they didn't evolve, exactly."
"Did you ever meet Sneaky?" Pam asked before anyone could ask another boring question.
"No, it's not like every Terran knows every other Terran. Besides, he died before I was born. Oh, and his name was Greg George."
Mae got a positively evil look on her face as she bared her fangs and laid her ears back asking, "Is it true that Greg George killed a whole planet of evil villains?"
Neville snickered at that, and Pam's heart sank right through the floor as he explained, "Nah, he and some Star Sailors took down a major crime syndicate because they'd kidnapped a kid from the family who was helping him come home. I can find the whole story in my history texts later if you want. I like the whole planet story though, it sounds super cool."
Mae had her tail raised in an infuriatingly smug way as she asked, "Only a baby would believe the planet story, huh?"
Pam slunk away to eat her clams alone before she heard the answer to that one, and hoped that everyone was too busy paying attention to Neville to notice.
After spending the rest of the lunch period stoically contemplating the nature of the world, or rather, sulking, Pam found the ensuing history lesson a lot more easy to pay attention to. It gave her a reason to not see Mai's stupid smug face cutting her eyes at her. Then, Ms. Ocia held the class past the bell to give Neville a thirty second head start claiming, "He probably could use some rest," as if Terrans weren't basically unstoppable.
The next day, Pam's class was markedly less distracted by the Terran, and his lunch table crowd had diminished by precisely one, Pam. Then, the next day, it diminished further, and the same the next day, and again until Neville was merely another student to the rest of the school. Or to most of it, anyway. Then, before anybody had realized it, two decidays had gone by, and the Terran was merely a weird looking alien student who nevertheless wasn't that weird once the novelty of him wore off. That's when he decided to sit down next to Pam one day and ask bluntly, "Did I hurt your feelings? I'm sorry for laughing at your questions…"
Pam had to fight to keep her ears up and shoulders square despite the urge to cringe into a ball. "You didn't hurt my feelings… I just really thought it was true…"
"That Terrans are all superheroes with laser eyes and lightning breath?" he asked wryly.
Pam giggled and told him, "Maybe not like that exactly."
"I'm not a hero or anything. I'm just a kid. I'm sorry."
"I just thought Sneaky Adventures Through Space was… like…"
"You like SATS?" Neville asked with glittering eyes and a wide smile, to which Pam nodded weakly. That was all the encouragement Neville needed to launch into a discussion of his favorite cartoon, which was more than enough for Pam to do the same. They almost didn't notice the bell tolling the end of the lunch period. It struck her later on her walk home that cheering up a lonely kid is just the kind of thing a hero might do.
From then on, Pam and Neville met and talked about the latest episodes of SATS, their favorite older episodes, or Pam's favorite, what was and wasn't true about Terrans or Sneaky in real life from the show. She found out that Humans really did drink insane amounts of ethanol, but only adults, that they could eat almost anybody's food, and that the "Power of Friendship" was a very real thing. Neville said that it was, and Mai and her fat face could just cry about it.
Then, one day Pam saw some older boys had cornered Neville by a canal a few blocks away from the school. She didn't recognize them, so they must have been from a different school, and they looked mean. They had surrounded him, and despite being shorter than the Terran, they were shoving him around and jeering at him as he tried to keep his balance.
"What's the matter Terran?" one taunted, "Where's your super strength?"
"Come on, pull out your Terra gun!" Another jeered.
"Maybe they're only tough in armor!"
"I heard they can breathe under water, let's try it!"
"Let's see if he can swim first," said another as he shoved the beleaguered Terran into the canal. Pam stepped forward, but let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in relief when she say Neville treading water.
"I can't breathe underwater! No gills! Mammal!" Neville shouted as the bullies dove into the water to swim about him in darting circles and splash him with their strong rudder tails as they laughed and jeered before darting off down the canal.
Then, Pam went forward to her friend asking, "Neville, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, they didn't hurt me. I just need to find my glasses."
Pam didn't stop to think about it, she dove into the water and darted to the bottom of the canal. They had drifted a little way, but they weren't hard to find. "Here they are," she said proudly as her head broke the surface.
"Thanks," he muttered and took them.
Three sodden blocks later, Neville was nowhere near as good a swimmer as any Lutrea, and Pam asked what was on her mind, "Why didn't you stand up to them?"
"Huh?"
"Why didn't you fight them?"
"Oh…" Neville forced a smile and said, "I told you, I'm not a hero or anything. Besides, there were five of them. I would have had to hurt them to make them stop. I dunno if I could do that."
"But they're bullies, the deserve to be hurt!"
Neville shrugged and said, "Maybe, or maybe not. I don't like fighting though, and I don't like hurting people."
Pam couldn't say why that answer made her so mad, but it did, so she said, "Well if they do it again, I'll stand up to them!"
Neville laughed in a friendly way, "Now I really feel sorry for them."
Pam only grunted in reply.
The days became decidays became months, and Pam didn't see any more evidence of anybody picking on Neville. In fact, it seemed that despite his atrocious fashion sense, he was becoming rather liked. In fact, their lunchtime talks had something of a circle of other kids who'd come and go for chats on SATS, homework, recently found books, the latest movies, and sundries, which was great because that meant that Pam wasn't by herself so much anymore. She was having such a great time that she had forgotten all about Mae. Mae hadn't forgotten, however.
One day, Pam found a note in her desk reading "Pam, I have something important to talk to you about, please meet me in the gym equipment room at lunchtime. Bix." What could be so important you had to leave a note to arrange for a private chat? Didn't Bix know he could just come up and ask her for a word by now? Well, sometimes boys did things that made no sense, so Pam decided to just go along with it and see what he wanted. She realized that she had made a mistake when the bucket of spoiled clams and hagfish slime clattered off of its precarious perch on a shelf above the equipment room door and onto her head, leaving her with a bruised noggin, and the rest of her covered in filth. Things got worse when the gym doors were flung open and a gaggle of about fifty students led by Mae came in to see Pam in her sorry state.
"Oh look, the slime girl is all covered in slime! What a filthy little thing!" Mae crowed as she puffed out her chest and lifted her tail in a display of dominance.
Pam cringed into a humiliated ball in anticipation of the laughter of her classmates, but instead Neville called out, "Are you proud of yourself Mae?"
"What?"
"I asked you if you're proud of yourself," he repeated with an almost sad note to his voice.
"Sure, why not?"
"Do you think being a petty, cruel, hurtful, jerk is something to be proud of?"
"Shut up! What do you know!"
"I know that you wanted to hurt my friend for no good reason, and you're proud of it. I know you're not the kind of person anybody wants to be friends with," Pam tried to sink through the floor, but Neville was there anyway whispering, "Come on, let's go to the office."
"You lied," Pam sniffled as he helped her to her feet.
"Huh?"
"You are a hero."

Skip to the bottom for the TL;DR Summary Recap... or if you care to go along for the ride with the long version, buckle up:
Tested STEP on 5/20 and just got my results two days ago and I'm still feeling like I'm floating. I took STEP first and then did COMLEX Level 1 with two days between just cramming OPP and it was intense but worked out well. I'm still waiting for my Level 1 results but am feeling pretty confident since I got the P for STEP.
I am a pretty average DO student... haven't honored at all in preclinical but I definitely kept respectable grades in the A & B range, a rare C here or there. I am super involved in extracurriculars and leadership and prioritize my physical and mental health above grades. I would say my US DO school has an okay curriculum... some professors have been spot on about covering what we need to know for boards while others have been really awful about it, and our school gives us a very short dedicated so I was pretty stressed out leading up to these exams.
I started TrueLearn practice questions required by my school starting in August of last year, did a mock half exam over Winter Break, another over Spring Break, and a final one the last week of April. We were required to do weekly TrueLearn questions until late April when classes ended and they steadily increased from 10 per week to 40 per week.
I feel like TrueLearn has awful explanations and sucks to learn from... I much preferred UWorld and bought the version that also had OPP questions added in. I started doing 30 UWorld questions a day on top of my assigned TrueLearn questions over Spring Break the second week of March. My goal had been to start in January but it took me until Spring Break to figure out how to balance still being in classes with Board Review. Figuring out that balance is tricky so be kind to yourself when you are figuring it out in your own studying journey. I did ~280 practice questions over Spring Break and that got me into a rhythm that allowed me to start prioritizing board review over classes because the count down to STEP & Level began to put the fear of god in me.
I relied heavily on Pathoma & Dirty Medicine and used them to get through the rest of the curriculum I was learning while also reviewing systems we'd already covered on those platforms. I also really liked the First Aid Clinical Patterns book that I used in addition to the regular FA book. It was great for helping me delineate between differentials that I'd struggled with when first learning in systems. I am NOT an anki person... I freaking hate it. I need a "big picture" type context for information to stick so I am one of those weirdos who passed STEP without anki... so everyone out there who isn't a fan, IT'S POSSIBLE!
In mid April, I took the first UWorld Assessment and I bumped up my UWorld questions to 80 per day. I got a 51% on the UWSA 1 and freaked out about failing. On top of my 80 questions per day, I started taking every Saturday from 8a-12p to do content review on a different system or a concept that I felt like I kept missing on my practice questions.
Our school goes late with in-person responsibilities and classes, so I did not start dedicated until the last week of April. I technically only had 3 weeks of full-on dedicated before my 5/20 test date and I was FREAKING OUT. I upped my UWorld questions to 120 per day and did the UWorld Assessment 2 the weekend I finished classes. This time, I got a 67% and breathed a sigh of relief that the extra practice questions and content review was paying off.
I did 120 practice questions a day after that while maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine. Questions, exercise, & adequate sleep and nutrition became my top priorities. I was determined to optimize my productivity without burning myself out before the exam.
1.5 weeks out from the exam I switched gears and started doing NBME's twice per week. I started with Form 28 - 66%, reviewed content all day the next day, then did 120 UWorld practice questions on the days between that and Form 29 - 66%. 1 week out, I did Form 30 and felt the worst about this one, but ended up with a 65%. All 3 of those predicted a pass rate of 97% on the real thing. I was frustrated I wasn't really budging from the mid-60s range though, because you crazies on here are always talking about breaking 70% and that mid-60's on NBME's 'may not be enough.' After my Form 30 score, I abandoned UWorld practice questions on my days in between and went into HEAVY content review on the concepts that I noticed I was continually missing. Each UWorld Assessment & NBME I took a running list of the concepts I got wrong so that I could reference it on my content review days and check them off like a check list. I'd consolidate that content after reviewing it into something easily reviewable that I could quiz myself on for a spaced repetition effect for those concepts.
This seemed to pay off because when I took Form 31 the Wednesday before my exam, I got a 71% with a 99% chance of passing the real thing and breathed a sigh of relief. I was feeling a little burnt by this point so I took two days to review the content from that form over the next two days... then I took the free120 but kinda messed it up. What I mean by that is I tried to simulate "fatigue" by reviewing content all day before I took it and started it at 7pm at night... I ended up getting a 60% on the free120 three days before I took the exam and tried not to shit my pants about it. I chalked it up to the fact that I had simulated "fatigue" a little too intensely and should have taken it fresh in the morning before my content review. I wondered about putting off the exam but felt like it was a now or never situation for me. My school was making us do more bullshit to prep for clerkship the week after my scheduled exam so I felt boxed into a corner and also felt like I wouldn't be able to mentally and physically handle the stress and studying that would go along with extending my date.
I spent the last two days before the exam doing passive learning by watching Dirty Medicine on any concept that I felt fairly weak on and I made an "oh shit" panic note sheet that had all the high yield details of concepts that I found myself continually forgetting... it consisted mainly of histology images of various diseases, the cytokines/interleukins mentioned in Pathoma Ch 2, screenshots of Dirty Medicine's mnemonics for the HIV & Diabetes drugs, mnemonics for the hereditary dyslipidemias and apolipoproteins, stroke syndromes, Lysosomal Storage diseases, Glycogen Storage Diseases... it was basically a hodge podge of the things I felt like always melted together in my brain and would be useful to review the morning on the exam to calm my nerves.
It was hard to get to sleep the night before, but I did my best, tossed and turned for an hour or two, and then got to sleep. Woke up right at the strike of my alarm from sheer anxiety... forced a good breakfast down and packed a lunchbox to the brim with nutritious snacks, lunch, and various tasty beverages like protein shakes or little pre/probiotic teas. I am a caffeine-free psycho so none of that for me. My partner drove me to the testing center and I reviewed my "oh shit" notes one last time.
I was delighted when the first question of my first block was a slam dunk open and shut case that I'd seen at least 3 times on NBME forms 28-31. It really boosted my confidence. I recognized SO many questions as being incredibly similar to the NBME concepts. I would say that the free120 was very representative for the LENGTH of the real-thing questions, but the NBME concepts were repeated heavily on the real-thing more than the actual concepts of the free120. It felt like a melting together of the NBME's, UWorld, & the free120... all combining different aspects of all of them. The stems in the real thing are super clear and give ample info to help you narrow down your diagnosis, but I’d say the great majority of questions are second order or third order and ask for another symptom, an associated condition, the defective enzyme/gene, or the MOA of the treatment. I gotta say I'm pretty proud of myself because almost everything I put on my "oh shit" notes showed up on the actual exam.
My last block was the worst and I prayed it was one of the experimental sets. I barely finished and actually just had to click an random answer that I'm sure I got wrong for the final question of that block. I came out feeling the same way I had on pretty much every NBME and so I had an inkling that I didn't fail but I was also still terrified that I was just gaslighting myself. My partner said that when they picked me up, they felt confident I had passed because of my demeanor, but I am unsure of if I had just numbed myself from taking that long of an exam, LOL.
Anyways, yeah, that was a wild ride. I hope this helps someone else get that P... this is a BEAST of an exam and my heart goes out to all of you who did not get that pass on the first try or have yet to take it. All of your emotions are valid and you are capable, I promise.
TL;DR:
Test Date 5/20/24
-Did weekly TrueLearn questions steadily increasing since August 2023 -TrueLearn mock Exam over Winter Break [first week of January] -Didn't start really cranking it on UWorld until Spring Break in mid-march of 2024 [30Q's per day] -TrueLearn mock Exam over Spring Break [mid-March] -UWSA1 51% in mid-April -UWSA2 67% end of April - bumped UWorld questions to 80 per day -TrueLearn mock exam also at the end of April - 61% -Dedicated began last week of April - bumped UWorld Q's up to 120/day -went thru Pathoma Ch 1-3 and took notes I repeatedly referenced over the next weeks -NBME 28 2 weeks before - 66% [97% chance of passing] -NBME 29 1.5 weeks before - 66% [97% chance of passing] -NBME 30 1 week before - 65% [97% chance of passing] -abandoned 120/day UWorld questions and focused heavily on content review -First Aid, Dirty Medicine, Pathoma, & AMBOSS were my main sources for content review -NBME 31 0.5 weeks before - 71% [99% chance of passing] -free120 2 days before - 60% [i messed this up and took it too late in the day when I wasn't sharp, made a lot of stupid mistakes because of that on questions I should have gotten... don't be me, lol] -final two days: passive review of weak concepts on dirty medicine, dirty medicine ethics, reviewing Pathoma Ch 1-3 notes, and compiling an "oh shit" list of concepts that I always seemed to mix up or jumble in my head -got a good breakfast, decent sleep, packed solid nutrition for the exam, and reviewed my "oh shit" notes the morning of the exam
Best summary advice I can give: -DON'T GIVE UP & DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR HEALTH. Take a break when you need to. Go on a walk. Go on a run. Go lift weights. Eat nutritious food. You are an entire person beyond this exam. Nurturing your body is what is going to help you think more clearly and sharply. -Allow yourself to do one fun thing a week and don't care about studying [i.e. go to a concert, hang with a friend, do a relaxing craft, go play a game with a friend, etc.] -- if you are lucky and get 8 weeks for dedicated, take a whole damn week for yourself. I wish I could have. -Don't be afraid to take the exam without getting through the full UWorld question bank. I didn't make it through the whole thing and sacrificed that for more focused content review in my problem areas and I feel like that really payed off. -Rely on your support network and don't be afraid to do that. Let your partner, your friends, your family, [whoever it is that's special in your life] help you and support you. Let them cook for you, or drive you to the exam, or do whatever they can to make your life easier. -Pack plenty of snacks and drinks for test day. Take deep breaths. YOU GOT THIS. -Side note: I did this all during my second trimester of pregnancy. So all you med school mammas out there... YOU CAN DO THIS TOO!

Demographics

• Gender: Male
• Race/Ethnicity: Latino (Mexican)
• Residence: Chicago
• Income Bracket: 500k+
• Type of School: Competitive Magnet, 500/class
• Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): URM, first-gen (for hs too)

Intended Major(s): cs or math or both
Academics

• GPA (UW/W): 4.0, no weighted
• Rank (or percentile): graduated top 10, don't know which place. also didn't mention this in apps bc they didn't tell us.
• of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: 14 APs
• Senior Year Course Load: AP US Gov, AP Comp Gov, AP Calc AB (lol), AP Physics C: Mech, AP Physics C: E&M, AP 3D Art, AP Lit, Intermediate CS class, also TA for AP CSP.

Standardized Testing
List the highest scores earned and all scores that were reported.

• SAT I: 1520 (790M, 730R)

Extracurriculars/Activities
List all extracurricular involvements, including leadership roles, time commitments, major achievements, etc.

1. Powerlifting - Started a team at my school for powerlifting during my Sophomore year. Got a lot of people into the sport and created a successful team. We went to nationals twice. Individually I am ranked pretty top 10 nationally in my weight class. Also offer coaching services online.
2. Job - Been working at my parents restaurant since I was in 7th grade. I basically spend my entire weekends there. Over time I have learned the ins and outs of the place and I can manage the front of house by myself. Really improved my social and problem-solving skills.
3. MITES Semester - Did this 'prestigious' summer program. Was not that interesting but took two classes through MIT and got to interview a professor for my science writing article.
4. TA for head of CS Dept. - I grade papers and make resources like posters and slideshows for the class. I also made a website for my club 1st quarter, did leetcode 2nd quarter, soldered some projects 3rd quarter, basically nothing 4th quarter
5. DJing - I just do this for fun. I make mixes in my room and I have played a couple of gigs for free.
6. Physics Team - We would just do physics problems. We did F=ma two years but no one qualified.

Awards/Honors

1. Powerlifting stuff (redacted regional and state placings, top 10 at hs nationals junior year (USAPL))
2. Seal of Biliteracy
3. Principal's Scholar all 8 semesters (glorified honor roll)

Letters of Recommendation
My recommenders all liked me but I'm sure the letters were nothing crazy. I did not choose anyone who overlooked the powerlifting team but got my coach from outside of school to write a letter for schools that would take it.
Interviews
MIT: Rly good, talked for over an hour at a coffee shop. Talked about how the powerlifting community was very close-knit and I basically knew everyone bc I'm very social, then on the way out I saw someone I knew from powerlifting and dapped them up. I told my interviewer about the interaction in my thank you note, in case he didn't hear it.
Essays
Personal statement was about my powerlifting journey, which started with helping me get over health issues to me helping others improve their quality of life. Also showed my leadership and social skills in personal statement.
MIT essays were good, did RD instead of EA to really work on them (btw it doesn't matter if you apply EA or RD for MIT, they tell you in the MITES webinars)
Also my FUN form (February updates) was fire imo. Wrote about how I was starting to play lacrosse and was currently soldering an LED heart for my gf at the time.
Decisions (indicate ED/EA/REA/SCEA/RD)
Acceptances:

• MIT RD + committed
• UIUC pure CS EA + stamps scholarship
• Northwestern RD
• UMich EA
• UW Madison EA
• BU RD
• IU Kelley RD (don't ask lol)
• Penn State rolling

Waitlists:

• Columbia RD

Rejections:

• Harvard RD

Additional Information:
Just have fun in school. Do what YOU like. Be passionate.

My problem is huge, and I could be spending weeks writing down how colossally-large this problem is, or at least, how large the problem appears to me.
Well, when I say "problem", I mean multiple problems, that just seem to join into a single & large problem.
I'm posting this under a new & separate account (mods, please don't delete this), as I do not want all of this being associated with my real identity. And just to clarify, these problems are real, and they are happening to me right now, and have happened to me all my life. I just want to be as anonymous with this as I can.
First paragraph starts here...
The first memories of my life started when I was only three years old. Well, not my first memories, but at least my first comprehendible blobs of memories. It starts off with me being woken up by my father, which at that time he was around his early 40s. After he woke me up, I [barely] remember me following my dad, at a hallway, at my dad's job. He worked as a professor at a university. I remember the ambient being very cold & dark, so I remember lying down on the sofa, at my dad's office. I'll go back to this in a moment.
I never knew that there was something wrong with me, until I saw how others perceived me. I've gone to many therapists & doctors in my lifetime, concerning mental health, and never had anything resolved, just more problems added. Although I am currently 16 years old, I turn 17 in a few days. A few years ago, I was in an argument with my father (I don't remember why), and he started saying somewhere along, that [whatever that started the argument], was because I had autism. I already knew/suspected that there was something wrong with me at that point in time, but that's the first time I ever was informed that I was diagnosed with autism, and that's the first time I knew that I was truly fucked up in the head. I believe he told me somewhere along, that he knew, because the psychiatrists, or whatever doctors I've met, had informed him about the diagnosis, but not me. He told me that many of my teachers already knew. I remember a few years before, a substitute was asking everyone in the classroom (while I was at the restroom), if I had autism, as what I assume that he was making fun of me. I only ended up knowing about this, because some of the kids told me about it. That's when I knew that his purpose of asking his question was to make fun of me. But about what my father told me, I was surprised, and when I went home, I asked my mother if I had autism, and she broke down and said yes.
Back to the first paragraph, I remember that many following days of the year, whenever my father would leave me in his office to go print some papers, I would start to cry very loudly, sometimes even getting other staff involved, as they were worried of what was going on in my dad's office. I don't know why this happened. I usually look back to those times, and sometimes make myself conclude that I was crazy, ever since I've ever gained consciousness. However, sometimes, I also feel like this isn't true.
Either before this, or after, I remember also attending a daycare, where there were many other kids my age. I remember only having maybe one or two issues there, but any normal person has one or two issues every once in a while—right? There, I was capable of socializing with the kids of my age, without any problem at all. Matter of fact, my best friend at that time, was actually a girl, completely opposite of my gender, something that isn't really common, or at least I believe isn't that common. I'll later reference this. I met her when I was three years of age, and the last time I met her, was around 1 or 2 years ago. Me and her hung out a lot, as the daycare was in the university that my dad worked at, and her parents also worked there too. Last time I saw her, she lost a lot of her family members, however I don't exactly remember who, and don't want to share what I do remember, because I believe that would be invading her privacy. So when I heard about this (my father told me), I realized that maybe my life wasn't as bad as it was (I'll reference this later as well).
At three years of age, I don't really remember having issues with my father, and only my mother. She was always a very strict person, however I would sometimes bypass/break her rules, no matter how strict she would get. And even with all of this said, I was still attached, and still loved my parents, despite these issues. Although me & my parents live in the U.S., they are from South America (I was born in the U.S., and both of my parents became naturalized a few years ago). I remember that also, around the age of three, my parents were visiting South America, to visit some family. My mother took me to her friend's house, and there, was a lot of toys, as a three year old, I wanted to stay there, and so when my mother decided that it was time to go, I refused. I remember that she grabbed me, and started to walk to a taxi (this was probably around 2010). As she was leaving, I started hitting her and pulling on her hair, because I wanted to stay. I've had tons of other incidents like this in my life, however I do not know if this is normal with normal people, and I assume it isn't. I guess I was always a violent kid, because I always attacked and/or insulted my mother certain times.
But if all children are born innocent, then how can one become violent? This is something that was never answered. I was never violent with my father, until I turned 13. But I was never violent with any other family members. I only remember attacking my mother, and my father. All of this violence ended at my mid 14s. And all of this always contributed to my belief that I was crazy. I always had this almost-involuntary sense of rage, which a lot of times I've felt that have been triggered by my parents on purpose.
And still up to this day, when I feel rage, I'll insult my parents. But I've never done this with other family members, or anyone outside the household. I've never in my life felt the same level of rage that it takes to be violent with people, outside of the household. I don't know why.
I feel like a lot of this has stemmed from the fact that as a younger child, my father has been violent with me as well. I remember that when I was a child, I would hyperventilate after being [what most call] "spanked" by my father. My father has hit me since the age of what—three years of age, all until around 13 or 14.
Sometimes, I feel like the only solution is to start again from zero; to find a way, to run away, or to find a new family. But for me, it would be really painful to do so. Practically all my life I've felt that I love my family, but that I also want to run away from my family.
Back to the end of the fourth paragraph, although I only had a few major issues, such as the violence going around between me and my mother, and my father and me, things would change.
Back then, temporary but periodic problems like this one occurred. But when there weren't issues, everything else seemed fine. I seem to had [at that time], no other problems. By age 4, my mother and I moved from the city to a town. At the town, I attended a preschool. I made friends with another kid, but for some reason (I seriously don't know why), I also bullied (maybe that's a too harsh word) the kid. I don't know why, but this is a behavior that I would repeat a lot later. Although this was the first time I reportedly done something like this, I didn't actually know that I did it until my mother told me about it a few years later, during an argument. And that's when a flashback came, a blurry blob of memory; we were being served our food at the preschool, and when we all sat down, I pushed his food off of his plate, and onto the floor, but I don't actually know if it happened or not, I just suspect so. With all of the other memories of the preschool, I don't really remember any other problems with anyone.
When I turned 5, I attended kindergarten, like many others did, right? In kindergarten, everything went fine, besides one incident that I remember, in which I was messing with my best friend's (at that time) glasses. Again, that bullying behavior that I had. I don't know why I did this. I feel like I felt pleasure doing it. But I have no other memories of that happening that year. When I reached first grade, nothing else really happened, everything seemed fine, except that I would only see my father every weekend, as he worked at the city because of his work. I would cry some nights, begging my mother to move from apartment and get a house where we could have a backyard and could live all three together. So at three-quarters of the school year, we moved into the city, into a house.
Everything went normal, I switched schools, and things were fine. When I moved to a new school, for second grade, everything suddenly went wrong. I was bullied, at a much larger scale, and probably went through what maybe a few of you (those who are reading) have faced. This was every day of every week, of every month, of the school year.
I continue to believe today, that this bullying has changed who I am. I feel like I lot a lot of my innocence in the second grade. Before, I was a clean kid, usually shy, and after, I became a dirty person, and one who got in trouble a lot. I remember coming home from school, telling my parents how much I hated my life. After the second grade, that's when I stopped getting good grades, when I started getting phone calls home, and when I took a very bad downward spiral into a pit of misery and hopelessness. And with all of this bullying, I started bullying others too, in third and fourth grade, and a lot, and not like single incidents, now I mean repeatedly. Fifth grade became much more calm, and things seemed to have been getting better, with no problems with bullying, both incoming, and outcoming.
Since second grade, my mother stopped working at the university in the town, and started working for a private school in the city. Matter of fact, this school was, and still is one of the best schools in the state that I live in. When I turned 11, during the summer, I was accepted into the private school, for the sixth grade of middle school. When I attended, it was great. Everything was going good. I'll come back to this in a moment, but I must mention something important.
I've always been a person who was interested in the wonders of technology, especially with computers. As a kid growing up, anything that belonged in the category of electronics, was my passion. For me, it was my only way of escape from problems I faced IRL. When people turned to books during times of boredom, sadness, or grief, I turned to electronics. I don't know why. Maybe because since the age of two, I ripped keys off of my parent's old laptop.
Back to the seventeenth paragraph, the school required us to bring our own laptops. With this, I started learning a lot of things, such as programming, and physics. I loved it. Me and my friends would sneak to the back of the school during lunch, and would sometimes play a videogame together, or watch a funny video together. It was like our escape from turbulent households, even when being in the household physically. My parents would argue a lot, and my escape would be through the wonder of the internet. But one day, I lost all of the benefits, and still had to carry out the responsibilities. My parents took my laptop away from me, and I don't know why, but this caused a load of sadness onto me. I begged my parents to just leave me in school, and to never pick me up. Believe it or not, this happened in September. This put me in a state of nonsensical depression that I still feel up to this day. I was only 11 at this time, and I started becoming extremely dirty with my language, and very pornographic. Nobody else that I knew was at this level of dirtiness. Up to this day, I still am this way. The only things I find funny are pornographic jokes, and pornographic material. You could show me a regular meme, and if it's not pornographic or pornographically-related, dirty, or vulgar, I wouldn't find it funny. This has destroyed my personality, and I no longer am capable of socializing with women, and a good portion of men, because how weird and obscene I have become. I find it a lot harder to socialize with even my own mother. Just right now, opening my Downloads folder, there's 17 videos and images that I saved as "memes", and they're all either racist, offensive, pornographic, or just gore material.
I know I'm really fucked up in the head. Back to what was going around in sixth grade, all of the racist, offensive, and vulgar jokes & actions that I've made have brought so much emotional distress to my parents, that they've chose that I'd no longer go to private school, and onto a charter school instead. I was loved by many, or at least they showed approval of me at the private school, despite the fucked up things I've said and done. But in the charter school, things changed a bit.
Charter school is when I had to do sixth grade again. No, I didn't fail sixth grade at the private school, but my parents instead made me do sixth grade again. I actually passed with all A's and B's. Of course, my behavior there in the private school was never good. I got multiple punishments, for pointing the middle finger at my math teacher, saying disgusting sexual comments about one of my robotics instructors, and insulting a trans student, all of which I deeply regret today, not because I truly feel any embarrassment, but because I have forever left a mark on my mother's reputation at her job (or at least that's what my parents have told me), and am no longer able to attend that private school. I do not believe that these victims by the incidents I mentioned still care about what happened, but I truly apologize to them, if they, by any chance, ever see me again, or are reading this themselves.
As I moved onto charter school, there were new people, new chances, new everything, but I fell into another downward spiral, and ended up doing the wrong things, and hanging out with the wrong people. At age of twelve, was when I first actually saw violent pornography, and gore. I was friends with a kid who, both of us, were very vulgar. He showed me porn for the first time, and that's where I actually got addicted. A lot of other shit has also happened, but from here to now, at almost 17 years of age, I am a very messy person. My appearance is all messed up, my humor is messed up, my capabilities of socializing are messed up, my hygiene is messed up, and now my intellectual abilities are worsening as well.
As the last major problem that I'll be listing here, my mind is rotting. I don't know if it's all of the vulgarity, me not sleeping right, not exercising, not having enough socializing, not being the happy person I once was, or if it's all of the new medicine I'm taking. Yes, lately the medicine I've been prescribed has been really degrading to my mind, and my health, and I don't know if that's another major contributing factor or not.
I really, really need help, guidance, or ideas, because not even the tons of different doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, and the different psychiatric hospitals have been able to successfully help me out of this endless & dark tunnel.
I don't want to take my own life as a solution, as my father has told me that it is an upmost cowardly act, and don't want to leave my family with all of this pain.
I don't know if I should or shouldn't separate away from my family & find a foster home, and I don't know how I would do so if I had to. If I had to separate away from my family, how would I forget all of the good times I've spent with them? How would I forget my childhood? How would I run away? How would I tell my parents that it's time for me to go? Where would I find a job? What would I tell the rest of my family when it's time for me to go? How do I fix this?
I really need your help, whoever is reading this, please, just drop me a suggestion.