Lamictal manic depression

My sister (F30) and I (M26) are at a loss of what to do.
My parents have been married for 33 years and have only ever been with each-other (no sex before marriage Christians). For as long as I can remember my mum (57yo) has criticised and undermined my dad (56yo), degraded and mocked him. For a long time I brushed it off/got used to it as parents arguing but with growing up, I've realised how unbalanced all the arguments were, and my dad would rarely shout at my mum whereas my mum's go-to is shouting at him.
My mum suffers from severe anxiety and at times depression however my sister and I are also convinced she has NPD or BDP as she frequently displays a lot of manic behaviour. In the last 18 months her behaviour with others has gotten so much worse that it has caused strains on all the people in her life. However it is definitely my dad who faces the brunt of it. She is incredibly controlling and manipulative of all that he does in life. It all worsened when my grandad died last year and my grandma was diagnosed with dementia immediately after (my dad's side), subsequently as often happens with deaths, there were a lot of fallings out between my dad and his siblings regarding the care for their mother, and his siblings have largely neglected to take up caring responsibilities for her and it has almost all fallen on my dad to take care of her. This is to the point where he lived with her for 3 months last year, and the entire of this year he has gone to hers almost every morning to wake her up and bring her breakfast before he goes to work. He now also takes care of his mum's garden and does her food shopping once a week. He also attends visits her many evenings after work to make her dinner and spend time with her, although one of his siblings and some of her friends also visit her sometimes to take some of this burden off of him. Luckily in the last few weeks carers have started coming in to help regularly but this took a while to sort, and he had to deal with sorting this all himself.
My mum refuses to help him with any of the care for his mother as she is 'triggered' by his mum because she claims she can't cope with how his siblings have abandoned the care for their mother and left me to do it all alone. This is despite the fact she retired herself in December and has not taken up anything in the meantime and spends the majority of her time at home alone on her phone and watching TV. Despite this, my dad is still also taking care of all our gardens at home AND doing the food shopping for himself and my mum, whilst also still working full-time. Despite having all this going on in his life, while my mum sits at home in early retirement doing practically nothing, any time he is home with her she will constantly give him lectures trying to control everything he does or says. Even, when it comes to the care of his mother or how he deals with his siblings, despite her refusing to help him with her at all. She will give lectures that can last over an hour or two where she will barely allow him to get a word in. When he does get a word in, she doesn't listen to him but instead will interrupt him and raise her voice. When he shouts back with her, she will start to claim he is silencing and gaslighting her and that he has never loved her and will go on about female friends he has had in his life that she claims he wants to cheat with. If that doesn't stop my dad for standing up for himself, she will then scream at the top of her lungs, crying, threatening suicide, hitting herself in the head and sometimes throwing things at him. These lectures and outbursts happen so often that he started to record them and at this point he probably has hours and hours of recordings of their arguments, which mostly consist of my mum screaming at him. I could go on and on about the awful things she says and does to him but I'd be here forever.
My dad now knows he is in an abusive relationship but he feels too weak to leave her and his worried about how he would do it and also how my mum would re-act. To add to this my mum has always been the bread-winner of the two and controlled all the finances in the relationship, to the point where my dad has never even used online banking, so I think he is worried about the financial logistics of leaving her as well. Unsurprisingly he has suffered with him depression for the first time in 2016, and again in 2023-ongoing and he is currently on anti-depressants. He also started therapy but he stopped this as he told me he got bored but I have tried to encourage him to start it again as it would help him build his strength.
What more can we do to help? I want both my parents to be happy and healthy, and they are far from it right now. My mum is clearly very sick, but will do very little to help herself and seems to have no awareness about how awfully she treats my dad. My dad is the sweetest man I have ever met, yet he is weak and not strong enough to leave right now. What more could my sister and I do to help the situation?

Please note that medications are mentioned in this post, along with THC. Please mind that I was actively in an episode when writing this so it is a little all over the place and some days have more information than others. My husband is mentioned and not always in the best light- please keep in mind he also has bipolar disorder and while we’ve struggled when in episodes at the same time, he’s a generally a great support person for me and pulls so much more weight than I am able to.
11/2- heightened feeling of anxiety, restlessness. Likely due to psych appt this morning. Could not fully communicate feelings to psych NP and felt rushed.scheduled open door appointment, looking forward to that. I feel very very fidgety and anxious. Racing thoughts, can’t focus, can’t remain still, I have the “stuck in my chest” feeling as if I’m stuck in ny body. Everything feels FAST. Like my surroundings. I feel very stuck in my head and distracted. The day is zooming by quickly. I feel myself becoming very agitated with small things, like people speaking or the sound of feet dragging. Random thought, remembered something I’ve been experiencing lately: I have been having extremely realistic dreams about the most random things and people. When I wake up I can not remember if they are actual memories or dreams. It feels very very realistic. It can take me up to days sometimes to know if it was real or not. Husband suggests I keep a dream journal to kind of track this, probably not a bad idea, I will try it.
11/3: sleep wasn’t great last night, I think I counted twice that I woke up throughout the night. Had a super difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Currently feeling anxious, hot. I have a lot I want to do today. I want to wash the dishes, put away my laundry, and take a shower. I have no idea when was the last time I took a shower, but I’m guessing probably at least a week. I used to be able to use my hair as a reminder of when to shower but now I don’t have that and I just forget. I want to shave my legs too, I always say I want to when I shower and then get overwhelmed in the shower and don’t. I hate my hair and hate that I shaved it. I can either suffer sensory problems with hair, with wigs, or suffer a decreased self esteem with no hair. It sucks. I was called a “he” earlier. Overall I’m not very happy with my appearance, hygiene upkeep, but it’s so difficult for me to manage. My work wants me to come in tomorrow. I can’t do it. I’m not safe to be around patients. I know I’m not. I can’t focus correctly and my risk of making a medication error is high. I get so irritated so fast and unexpectedly and I’m so afraid I might accidentally be mean to a patient. I don’t know how long I can keep making excuses. Sometimes I just want to tell them that I am really going through a mental health crisis at the moment but also I think it’s pretty obvious why I don’t want to disclose that. But I know it is not safe for my patients nor my license for me to practice as an actual nurse currently.
11/5: I stopped taking Prozac yesterday because I do believe it has contributed to the overall sense of dissociation I’ve experienced over the last couple of months. I took my regular dose of Strattera today and noticed that it was my last dose, pharmacy is still out of stock so I am unsure how long I will be without it. I was not anticipating stopping both medications at once and am anxious about that. That being said, I still do not really want to take the Prozac.
Currently I am feeling weird. Sleep was weird last night but not to the degree that is has been. I think I slept a lot cause of the time change but I’m not sure. I feel very confused at the moment and my chest is thumping. My brain is zapping but I am pretty sure that’s Prozac withdrawal. My brain is going in circles and I am not sure how to feel. I do feel highly agitated which I am trying really hard to manage as I really do not want to direct that at husband or daughter. The dogs keep making this god awful licking sound, especially Arnold, but I guess that’s ok cause they can’t control it. I feel like the air is very thick and heavy, it’s very hot as well. I have an urge to cry and I’m not entirely certain why, I can’t think of any particular reason other than overall frustration. I can’t think of any particular stressors I may have etc.
Husband sounds so irritated with me right now. I don’t wanna be like this.
11/9/2023: I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been feeling great honestly and I guess it’s harder to remember that I need to do this when I’m feeling good. I had a very scary experience yesterday that I’m still feeling the affects of.
I started off yesterday by feeling fucking fantastic. Quite literally felt on top of the world, just absolute best. Day went way until I took a large dose of thc edible which I now understand was a grave mistake and thus no longer have any interest in cannabis products whatsoever.
It started by feeling anxious. This amplified and I did not feel like anything was real. I have had this feeling before, once previously triggered also by cannabis use (4 years ago, quit after, should have never started again) and the other was I believe triggered by being so abused, but I was also using cannabis at that time so probably both. Regardless, I felt the exact same as I did during those times. I felt as scared as I did during those times. I felt as ashamed of my life as I did during those times. I couldn’t tell which one of the times I was in and I couldn’t remember where I was or what was going on. This was accompanied by inconsolable, unexplainable sobbing, I went to lie down in my bed hoping it would pass soon. Actually, before that, I walked into my kitchen to get a drink. Everything was extremely distorted and I was hearing clattering everywhere. Then I went in my bed where it seemed to worsen. I was having a lot of involuntary movement, mostly with my legs and neck. Whenever I opened my eyes, everything seemed dark and unreal. Husband did not look like a real person to me. I wasn’t sure that I was a real person. I kept hearing that I had to kill myself, I had to go and stab myself and it would all stop. Everything would be better once I got that out of the way. I was so so fucking afraid I knew if I left my bed I would have done it. I only left my bed once today and the thoughts came back. I’m only safe in my bed.
Last night I eventually fell asleep but never really got a chance to process my thoughts as I woke up with one of the worst migraines I’ve ever experienced. I’m unsure if this is related or not. I did absolutely nothing throughout the morning except sleep and vomit. Eventually I was able to take a dose of Sumatriptan which helped the migraine go away. This consumed most of my day. As I start to feel better physically, I’m unfortunately realizing I’m still very out of it. I don’t want to be and it sucks so bad. Arnold keeps looking at me weird and I think he knows I’m not real. He’s 100% on to me, I think the real Me left and I’m some like, off brand me. I have an overwhelming urge to just cry and cry, I feel like I am mourning. I don’t know who I am. I just know that I am not an actual human and I’m not functioning as one. I have retreated back to my room as I spent some time in the kitchen and could only focus on reliving myself of this state, which unfortunately does involve stabbing my self. I’m not sure if that’s real and something I actually need to do or not.
11/11: it’s time for it to stop. I cause husband and daughter so much distress in my day to day life. I ruin their lives on a daily basis. I’m so unstable and it’s not fair at all for Husband to deal with. He deserves much better and deserves to stop having me weigh down his life. My daughter deserves a chance at a mother that isn’t me and can hold themselves together and be an active present mother. I don’t even know where I am. I want it to end I’m so tired of burdening everybody around me with this. Everybody is so tired of me I know they are and I can’t blame them. I love them so much and the best way for me to express that is to leave. I destroy them. I’m a terrible person that does nothing but destroy. Husband has to walk on eggshells around me. That’s not okay ever. I am such an awful person. He deserves to be freed from me. He said it’s on him to hold this family together and he’s right. I ruin his life. I ruin Daughter’s life. I am a black hole of energy. I am not mentally stable enough to be a wife or a parent. I fucked up really, really bad by creating this life. In the meantime, I destroyed both Husbands and daughters. It’s terrible. I’m not an adult. I’m not a functioning adult. I burden so much. I’m a major, major burden. Husband said he went through an episode and didn’t burden me with it. He’s right. He’s upset I haven’t had a lot of money for the last month. He’s right, I haven’t been able to work as much as I need to because I’ve been so out of it.
11/12: yesterday after writing that, I decided to take a 50mg of seroquel to try and end that state. It worked so much better than I expected. I felt so present and alive. It was the most normal I’ve felt in probably years at this point. I didn’t feel elated, I just felt normal. I didn’t have any negative side effects, not even drowsiness. I haven’t taken more as I don’t have an order for it and know it is irresponsible to take a serious psych drug without supervision. I think it’s wearing off now as I feel quite depressed. But I’m not like I was yesterday and for the previous days, so that’s good.
11/14: last night I attempted to go to bed at 10 and laid in bed struggling to fall asleep until 3 in the morning, woke up at 5:30 for work. I was expecting to be tired but I don’t feel tired at all, I feel like I have more energy than usual. Overall I’m feeling pretty good today and the last few days aside from racing thoughts. I am feeling a little paranoid as I know I have Been struggling for some time but did not think it was noticeable to others. My coworker today asked me if I was okay and mentioned that I’ve been seeming very “lost”. It is embarassing to me that others have noticed. She said I seem to be all over the place.
11/15: it’s currently 10Am and I’m in my car. I was supposed to be at work at 7. I was asked to do the wound rounds at 2pm. Direct patient care genuinely terrifies me right now. Fuck I hate being a nurse. I need to leave and I’m sitting in my car just anxious. I hate this. I hate that I can’t be fucking normal. Why???? What is my fucking problem? Sleep was wonky last night too, I slept a little more than the previous but woke up wide awake for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. I’m reaching a point where I think it would be beneficial to go on leave but k can’t.
11/20: ok I haven’t written much. On Friday I saw my psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on Latuda and Seroquel. The first night I took the seroquel, I fell asleep for 15 hours, I think my lack of sleep caught up to me.
Ever since, I haven’t found the antipsychotics for be sedating at all. I am still showing signs of being in a manic episode. I did not sleep much at all last night. I want to start writing erotica as a side hussle. I don’t know if that’s real or a hypomanic dream. I’m also struggling to differentiate dreams from reality again. I do feel very motivated and invincible. I can accomplish a lot right now. I’m at work absolutely kicking fucking ass. Husband is a great support person.
11/22: all over the space. Went for a drive to help clear my head, during the drive the “loud external” monologue came back for the first time since starting meds and was suggesting I commit suicide. I argued with this for some time while sobbing but it made very logical arguments as for why I should. I headed back home and contacted the suicide hotline text line while sitting in my car. It felt like I was texting a robot and I gave up and lied on the safety questions so they would leave me alone. I came home and sat on my couch for some time. I have covid so overall not feeling well. Very, very irritable. I hate the irritability so much, it makes me such a bitch. The irritability is actually one of the sound arguments the “internal dialogue” made for committing suicide, as I’m such a bitch that I would do more harm to those around me by being alive compared to dying. Tomorrow my dad is coming over for thanksgiving. I’m going to increase my latuda dose one day earlier as I’m afraid I won’t be able to tolerate being around him.
11/24: started yesterday, started seeing bright flashes of light. Both eyes, no pain or pressure. Also it is 5 am and I have not slept. Don’t feel tired.
11/24/11/25- went 30+ hours without sleeping. Did not feel tired at all. Had some “grand” ideas and thoughts. Swore I could switch careers to writing erotica full-time. Doesn’t seem very realistic (this is a backdated entry). Felt very flighty. Eventually Seroquel took me out.
11/27-11/28- these two days went well. I felt very “normal”. Did not feel sad or overtly happy. No loud internal/external monologue during these days. Felt hopeful.
11/29- highly, highly agitated throughout day. Said things I did not mean and highly regret to loved one, because they “annoyed” me during this state. Apologized profusely but felt like an absolute piece of shit for it, which worsened mood state. Found out during the day I was getting called into to work an overnight shift so did not get much sleep, was able to take around a two-hour nap. Work went okay, nothing out of the ordinary.
11/30- felt extremely depressed the second I clocked out of work. Sometimes, when I can tolerate it, work is a nice escape because I don’t have time to think thoughts. This is especially true when it comes to working the floor, which I can’t always tolerate as it can invoke extreme anxiety, but night shift is much easier on me than day shift. Cried the entire way home. Loud internal/external not me monologue back, considering the events of high agitation the day prior. Extreme guilt for the mean things I said. I am not actively suicidal so to whichever healthcare provider I give this to, please do not be too alarmed at the following sentences. While I do have these thoughts, I do not feel like I am going to act on them in the immediate future. I have a plan to immediately go to the emergency department if I feel like I will act which I hope to adhere to. My husband is aware of my safety plans and will assist in ensuring I get myself to a hospital if needed. Anyways, the voice tries to convince me to commit suicide. It rationalizes it by stating that while I will traumatize my daughter if I kill myself (this is one of the main reasons I’ve been able to not do so), I will traumatize her even more by being her mother and thus suicide is the rational choice. Sobbed the entire way home and argued with the voice further. I don’t like when it comes on when I am driving because it provides too “easy” of an opportunity. Did not sleep much, I got home right as husband was taking daughter to school and went with them. Got home and cried more. Husband commented on me seeming depressed and offered comfort. Slept for the few hours she was at school and woke up around noon to pick her up. Didn’t feel as bad when I woke up but still had some depression. My aunt, who had protected my grandpa (her brother) when I reported him for sexual abuse, popped up on my “People You May Know” on Facebook. I couldn’t stop myself. I sent her a very long, very cruel, message about what a cunt she is, accused her of fucking him as she grew up, told her how happy I was that he was dead and described in detail what I believed happened to him when he died since he died in a nursing home, and told her about how alcoholics die horrible, painful deaths (she is an alcoholic) and how I couldn’t wait to cheer on hers, essentially. I don’t really feel bad about it because she is a child sexual abuser apologist and I feel like what I said was justified, but luckily I highly doubt she still uses Facebook so she will likely won’t ever see the message. Took a Seroquel as I realied I likely needed it as I felt incredibly “ramped” up after sending that message, fell asleep around 8PM. I recognize that I likely need to increase my medications.
12/1: so far so good. It is around 10AM. Feel really good, working from home, blasting music. No complaints yet.
12/2: severe depressive episode. forced self to shower in evening and went shopping with Omar and Estelle which improved mood.
12/3: mild depression, less severe than day before
12/4: woke up with severe depressive symptoms again
12/4 I feel GREAT today. Buzzing in chest and eyes. A lil restless.
12/5: didn’t sleep good last night, took about an hour and a half to fall asleep, woke many times during the night, never felt like I was in a deep sleep, woke up after about 4 hours.
If you actually read all that shit lol, can you tell me if this sounds like someone that is actually bipolar or struggling with mental illness? I think I am, but of course, I wonder if I’m making it all up too or if this is just the norm

This is embarrassing to me to be feeling this way and have to ask, but I’m struggling a lot, mentally, right now and waiting for a new mood stabilizer to kick in.
I have a huge problem with aggression, anger and irritability right now (On top of other things, but this is the most concerning to me. It is probably due to manic-depression, but psychiatrist is still evaluating).
What are some self soothing/self-regulating techniques similar to wearing a rubber band and pulling it against your skin when feeling overwhelmed with anger? I think I need physical stimulation or something.
The following techniques are commonly recommended, but absolutely do NOT help me :’( •Taking a walk •Taking deep breaths •Stepping back and trying to cool down •5 things you see/smell/heaetc •Trying to go to a happy place •Mindfulness (because I KNOW I’m acting ridiculous, but I just can’t calm myself down. I feel like I’m out of my body)
I have a prescription of a benzodiazepine, but addiction runs in my family and I am trying not to default to taking one every time I’m overwhelmed with agitation (which is basically multiple times a day, every day).

Seeing a psych tomorrow. Currently going through an extreme depression. Currently on 100 mg of lamictal and 20 mg of Latuda which both currently do nothing for my depression. They did in the past but even when I increase I get no relief just more side effects.
My question is…I want to ask about cymbalta(dad takes it), Wellbutrin(tried previously for a week), and viibryd.
Biggest obstacle and why I’ve been on bipolar meds when I only have MDD is insomnia. Out of the three which will likely have less in your experience? Gonna ask for a strong sleep aid regardless
I don’t want mirtazapine, seroquel, or trazodone.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I'm 31 and Bipolar 1. I've had mutiple manic episodes, major depressive ones, I tend to have the depressive ones way more.
I feel like I lost my 20s. It took a very long time to find medication that remotely worked. At one point my doctor prescribed me Olanzapine. When I told her I wanted to try something else, go back to lamictal, she said I had tried everything else and just kept uping the Olanzapine dose. Eventually she got me up to 300 miligram tablets. For reference, I take a 2.5 now.
So I was a zombie for 10 years until I got a new psychiatrist that actually worked with me to help me.
In my manic episodes I have spent my savings, I have almost died on mutiple different occasions, but the worst thing is I keep ruining relationships.
When I'm in a manic (or mixed) episode I can't think clearly, read context wrong, do things I'd normally know is a bad idea. I've never hurt anyone other than myself. But I've blurted out crushes to girls that are just being friendly, fucking up our friendship. I'll pick up on signals that aren't signals because I'm so infatuated.
And now I did it again, with a girl I really like, who I think I might have even liked me back, and I fucked it up by being weird because I ran out of my mood stabilizer, coudn't get more, despite my every effort to get it filled on time.
I don't send dick picks, run over to soemone's house, don't bombard them with messages: I just fuck it up because I'm not thinking with my right mind and I sound weird.
And as much as I try to control myself and just not send the message when I'm in that state, it's a thought controlling my head and I need to do something to alleviate the pressure and the suffering. And that's when my impulse control is at its all time low.
And then people will hear what I did and say, "Gee, what is he bipolar?"
Not knowing that I am, and it keeps ruining my life. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone to share my life with because I have this disease.
And if anyone finds out I'm bipolar, they'll just think I'm a freak, or some out of control person capable of violence.
I am just so tired of waking up from a mood episode to find my life in pieces.
I got my mood stabilizer this morning and took it, hopefully I'll be better sooner rather than later, but now I have to deal with fucking up my life for the 1000th time.
I don't know how many more times I can go through this before I quit.
TL:DR - Sorry for the long post. I just think I lost the part of me that wants to keep going.

I feel like I am giving up albeit I take full responsibility for the part I played in this.
Typical sob story. I was a good kid K-12, gifted program, full ride scholarship to university. Family problems but who doesn't have those? Been dealing with constant depression for 10 years now (starting to believe it's Bipolar II and I'm now medicated). I've been hospitalized twice and made an attempt once 2 years ago.
I went to school for a useless degree because I really enjoyed theatre, arts, acting etc but thought it would be ridiculous to get a B.A in theatre. Unfortunately, it's not like I enjoy what I did go for, either. Haven't been able to find a job in that market that pays more or equal to serving.
The two therapists I saw via my college's counseling program, and especially the last one, were my absolute rocks. I had tons of mood swings, ups and downs, etc but was able to finally get my degree this month. I was no longer enrolled, so they had to kick me out kindly. I found another therapist later in the week and he ended up being a sexual predator. So I decided to take a break from that for now.
The truth is working flares up my mental illness very badly. Like verging on sue-of-side. I have had over 20+ jobs since I was 16. I wake up one day and feel like a ton of bricks are on me and very, very depressed. I've cried several times in the bathroom at work and I just can't help it. No, employers don't care. Or they fire me eventually.
So I've been stuck in a shitty food service/retail/low pay spiral over the last two years. At least during school I just saw this as a pit stop or a means to an end, but now, there isn't any. I'm just kind of realizing that this is it. And I don't want to do it. And now, unfortunately, I have to move back home and 2 hours away from my only and best friend in the entire world. He's kind of emotionally unavailable and appears to be unaffected but I know he isn't.
My resume is gappy and the job market is horrible right now. It's just 4+ years of serving, so no grownup jobs take it seriously. Thankfully, I had an interview to be a flight attendant and I thought that'd be a great opportunity for me since I'll be living with my mom anyways. It could potentially lead to a more "big girl" career and some upward mobility, maybe. I also interviewed for a WFH job but it is only paying $10/hr and rent starts in my area at $900 for a 1-bed. But I'm waiting to hear back from those and if I'll even hear back at all. It is stressing me out.
Thankfully, I just started taking Lamictal so I hope it helps. But right now it just makes me feel empty and miserable. Everyone keeps saying to tough it out and the side effects will subside but I just don't know.
I have hobbies. I love baking, cooking, and yoga. Just got back into reading. I would take a bullet for the people I love. I had dreams of going to grad school to become a therapist but those are being put on hold because it would just be a financial disaster for at least the next 5 years. What is the point? What am I even doing?

I feel like I am giving up albeit I take full responsibility for the part I played in this.
Typical sob story. I was a good kid K-12, gifted program, full ride scholarship to university. Family problems but who doesn't have those? Been dealing with constant depression for 10 years now (starting to believe it's Bipolar II and I'm now medicated). I've been hospitalized twice and made an attempt once 2 years ago.
I went to school for a useless degree because I really enjoyed theatre, arts, acting etc but thought it would be ridiculous to get a B.A in theatre. Unfortunately, it's not like I enjoy what I did go for, either. Haven't been able to find a job in that market that pays more or equal to serving.
The two therapists I saw via my college's counseling program, and especially the last one, were my absolute rocks. I had tons of mood swings, ups and downs, etc but was able to finally get my degree this month. I was no longer enrolled, so they had to kick me out kindly. I found another therapist later in the week and he ended up being a sexual predator. So I decided to take a break from that for now.
The truth is working flares up my mental illness very badly. Like verging on sue-of-side. I have had over 20+ jobs since I was 16. I wake up one day and feel like a ton of bricks are on me and very, very depressed. I've cried several times in the bathroom at work and I just can't help it. No, employers don't care. Or they fire me eventually.
So I've been stuck in a shitty food service/retail/low pay spiral over the last two years. At least during school I just saw this as a pit stop or a means to an end, but now, there isn't any. I'm just kind of realizing that this is it. And I don't want to do it. And now, unfortunately, I have to move back home and 2 hours away from my only and best friend in the entire world. He's kind of emotionally unavailable and appears to be unaffected but I know he isn't.
My resume is gappy and the job market is horrible right now. It's just 4+ years of serving, so no grownup jobs take it seriously. Thankfully, I had an interview to be a flight attendant and I thought that'd be a great opportunity for me since I'll be living with my mom anyways. It could potentially lead to a more "big girl" career and some upward mobility, maybe. I also interviewed for a WFH job but it is only paying $10/hr and rent starts in my area at $900 for a 1-bed. But I'm waiting to hear back from those and if I'll even hear back at all. It is stressing me out.
Thankfully, I just started taking Lamictal so I hope it helps. But right now it just makes me feel empty and miserable. Everyone keeps saying to tough it out and the side effects will subside but I just don't know.
I have hobbies. I love baking, cooking, and yoga. Just got back into reading. I would take a bullet for the people I love. I had dreams of going to grad school to become a therapist but those are being put on hold because it would just be a financial disaster for at least the next 5 years. What even is the point.

I feel like I am giving up albeit I take full responsibility for the part I played in this. I know it's an extremely long post but please bear with. I feel like I am at my wit's end.
Typical sob story. I was a good kid K-12, gifted program, full ride scholarship to university. Family problems but who doesn't have those? Been dealing with constant depression for 10 years now (starting to believe it's Bipolar II and I'm now medicated). I've been hospitalized twice and made an attempt once 2 years ago.
I went to school for a useless degree because I really enjoyed theatre, arts, acting etc but thought it would be ridiculous to get a B.A in theatre. Unfortunately, it's not like I enjoy what I did go for, either. Haven't been able to find a job in that market that pays more or equal to serving.
The two therapists I saw via my college's counseling program, and especially the last one, were my absolute rocks. I had tons of mood swings, ups and downs, etc but was able to finally get my degree this month. I was no longer enrolled, so they had to kick me out kindly. I found another therapist later in the week and he ended up being a sexual predator. So I decided to take a break from that for now.
The truth is working flares up my mental illness very badly. Like verging on sue-of-side. I have had over 20+ jobs since I was 16. I wake up one day and feel like a ton of bricks are on me and very, very depressed. I've cried several times in the bathroom at work and I just can't help it. No, employers don't care. Or they fire me eventually.
So I've been stuck in a shitty food service/retail/low pay spiral over the last two years. At least during school I just saw this as a pit stop or a means to an end, but now, there isn't any. I'm just kind of realizing that this is it. And I don't want to do it. And now, unfortunately, I have to move back home and 2 hours away from my only and best friend in the entire world. He's kind of emotionally unavailable and appears to be unaffected but I know he isn't.
My resume is gappy and the job market is horrible right now. It's just 4+ years of serving, so no grownup jobs take it seriously. Thankfully, I had an interview to be a flight attendant and I thought that'd be a great opportunity for me since I'll be living with my mom anyways. It could potentially lead to a more "big girl" career and some upward mobility, maybe. I also interviewed for a WFH job but it is only paying $10/hr and rent starts in my area at $900 for a 1-bed. But I'm waiting to hear back from those and if I'll even hear back at all. It is stressing me out.
Thankfully, I just started taking Lamictal so I hope it helps. But right now it just makes me feel empty and miserable. Everyone keeps saying to tough it out and the side effects will subside but I just don't know.
I have hobbies. I love baking, cooking, and yoga. Just got back into reading. I would take a bullet for the people I love. I had dreams of going to grad school to become a therapist but those are being put on hold because it would just be a financial disaster for at least the next 5 years. What is the point? What am I even doing?

I'm afraid.
Things have been absolute shit, and the last time I was at my psych's office he upped my lamictal-it was 175 mg, it's now 200.
He knows about my symptoms and about the fact that it's been going on for years.
Like most borderlines I do not display EVERY single symptom on the list.
I remember when I was diagnosed as autistic when I was a little girl my father was FURIOUS with the psych at that time because there were plenty of symptoms that I didn't display (of Asperger's, I mean) Soon my parents educated themselves , but their struggle with what to do with me and general parenting mistakes led me to be abused by mutliple caretakers throughout my life, majority verbal but also sexual once. I suppose that could have contributed to my potential BPD.
Anyways, flash forward to now, my psych said if this upped dosage no longer works, then I can get evaluated.
I am 19 years old. He will gladly do this without my parents consent despite the fact that they are the ones paying for it. I feel like shit on that regard.
Thing is my lamictal wasn't working much.
I remember catching the common cold and realizing i had an opportunity to kill myself. I asked my mom for a hot bath and when I was alone I tried to drown ...
This only resulted in a coughing fit, a burning throat and my lips smeared with saliva.
I knew I couldn't do this. My body, as well as my knowledge of the fact that my family was home, it wouldnt let me do it.
I tried drowning myself a second time in the same bathtub, less successful than the first because i was afraid of the pain and discomfort that comes with drowning and attempted drowning.
My psych knows about all the shit on my other posts, the last time I saw him he doubled checked with me the name of the person majority of my posts were about (the one i really fucked up with and almost had legal action taken against me) and I confidently told him her first and last name and now that I think back I need to ask...is this normal?
She's an adult too so he can't do much but I have a general distrust of people in the psychology department...maybe he just had trouble remembering who I was talking about? (I mention a lot of people)
Anyways my issue is-
If I have BPD (Bipolar and depression or a mix is also possible) I will tell my parents. No doubt about it. I'm doing the evaluation behind my back but results will be shared, which means they will then know about the evaluation too.
For context I live with my parents, I will always envy autistic individuals who are independent enough to move out at 19 but I'm not one of them.
They pay for everything and I feel like shit for doing this behind their backs.
The reason I'm doing it is because my mother, has well, ...issues. Issues with accepting me having it. She does agree I show symptoms but she wont discuss evaluations/ She seems against it but she never forbade me from it either.
My father on the other hand is supportive and will be the first to forgive me for doing it behind his back but the reason he wont know is because while he is a great dad he is a great husband too. Couples dont keep secrets like that from each other, and so he wont keep the fact that I'll be doing that to himself.
So i plan on keeping them both in the dark till then.
Someone tell me I'm not a selfish spoilt little bitch?
Or am I?

I often come here and vent bc you guys really help. Just want to say thank you for that…
In 2021 I had a manic episode that lasted 6 months and destroyed my whole life. I was diagnosed bipolar and put on disability shortly after. Since 2021 I haven’t had any physical activity at all (I’m 5 ft 105 lbs but I don’t gain unless it’s caused by a medication) they say that a sedentary lifestyle is worse for you than smoking multiple packs of cigs a day, and I’m freaked out.
I’m still so blah and nothing is working. Not therapy, not meds (I tried a lot). Im currently on lamotrigine and Wellbutrin. I’m so unhealthy. I eat like shit, I smoke weed everyday and I just sit on my phone… FOR TWO YEARS NOW. I know all of the things I need to do to make a change but I can’t do them. The depression has gotten a little better, but half of me still feels like there’s not much of a point in doing anything. My self confidence has plummeted so I just haven’t been taking care of myself like I should.
I haven’t moved my body in two years. I haven’t seen any friends aside from two. I’ve isolated myself. During my manic episode I was posting 500x a day to over 20k followers that I had. Everyone that mattered in my life experienced my episode, and I lost most of them. I know ppl say that the ones who truly matter will stick around (my friends since kindergarten did, I’m 33 and so grateful for that), but I think it was just too hard for most people to understand… scary and embarrassing to be around. I hurt a lot of people, I ruined my career reputation (and entire rep in general), my finances were destroyed, I lost my apartment and my car … everything. And now I’m back with my parents in my mid 30s.
All I want is my own family. I want kids but it’s getting too late I think. I’m turning 34 in a month. I don’t know how anyone could love me if I can’t love myself.. i don’t know why anyone would want to date someone who is bipolar. Let alone financially wrecked. I had half a million saved (stocks) and now I’m in 38k of tax debt bc I pulled it all out and toured front row with dead and co for two months. Along with other crazy shit.
Ahhhhdbeiendveksbdvekamdb I just want to be loved and love someone in return. I want to be working again. I want to be on my own again. I lived in nyc for 10 years before all of this shit. I was stable and a hard worker. Now I can’t even commit to going for a walk.
Idk what the point of this is. I’m just bitching bc I know I’m super unhealthy right now and miserable with circumstances that I should easily be able to change.. but can’t.

so, to condense, i was ‘diagnosed’ with bipolar and put on medication as a teen, but to my understanding it was only temporary, but i really don’t remember much from this time period, i didn’t even remember being diagnosed, i found out recently. the medicine they put me on i remember made me feel 10x crazier, so i just stopped taking it. this was about 5 years ago. right after this I met my girlfriend and she’s been so great. I haven’t had a major ‘’manic” episode since the time mentioned above, but my uncle died in february and looking back, i was on a complete downward spiral since then.
i’m normally not a drinker but i started drinking, i don’t watch porn, i started consuming it everyday. i was calling every number in my phone making all these grand plans about business ideas i had, talking a million miles a minute, getting into fights, looking into moving to asia and was looking at dating websites in asia.
she found a screenshot on my phone and i had to explain the whole dating website thing and she broke up with me and she was really hurt by me telling her that i was considering moving away, but she forgave me after a week or so and we worked it out, she was very understanding of my grief and she was working with me to correct how i spoke to her when she caught me. (calling her crazy, minimizing, ‘gaslighting.)
then i went to a race with my dad and then we went to a bar and i was unreachable for over 16 hours, and she panicked like she didn’t trust me, and she asked if I just wanted to be single. I told her yes and then tried being friends with her but she was really short towards me (she says i was hostile towards her and had no empathy for her situation) I told her i was working on myself which wasnt a lie, but i was also on tinder, dming girls on instagram, following a bunch of girls from high school, talking to girls irl, getting their numbers texting them whatnot, all while i had told her i wasn’t even thinking about that stuff.
she figured this out because she knows me better than anyone and always seems to know things before i can tell her, and so she was heartbroken asking how i could do this starting only a day after we broke up, but like i said, we were broken up, so i didn’t see anything wrong with it.
she forgives me and still tells me she’ll be there for me, she expresses for the first time she thinks i might have bipolar and i got pissed off and yelled at her. we called a few times because she wanted to and she was taking the breakup very badly (not eating, crying everytime we talked, etc) and i told her i’d call her one night and i didn’t and she ghosted me for a week.
for that week i was so fucking depressed not having her text me, and this i think made everything worse. she texts me on mother’s day asking how id been since it had been a week and she was worried and i was so excited to talk to her, i was sending message after message and she was so dry (“that’s great!” “im so happy for you”) then i would text her little updates but she wouldn’t answer unless i asked something, this went on for about 4 days.
during this time shit was so bad between my dad and i that i moved out to my cousins house, and that went bad just because my cousin is a piece of work and wasn’t super interested in helping me, so i was in a vulnerable place and i called her like 4 times before she answered and she was drunk as fuck. i got mad and she basically got sad that i was mad and i told her i wanted to get back together and she told me no while crying and we talked about everything and i wanted her advice because like i said, she’s really smart and she always knows how to talk to me and what to say.
the next day i was so pissed off because she had told me no that i called her at work and told her i don’t want to get back together until 6 months from now. she started crying and i just had to go, i couldn’t hear that at that time with everything going on with my cousin.
fast forward i told her i was just salty about her rejecting me and i couldn’t only be nice to her if she was my girlfriend and she didn’t say anything so i didn’t really give her a choice i just told her that she was my girlfriend again.
she’s been very understanding but brought up the bipolar thing again. i hadn’t been sleeping and i was getting the cops called on me left and right and i was keeping information from her, i broke my phone and went out into the woods for days just carving “jude loves emily” into trees in 101 degree weather was unreachable for 18 hours because of my phone, got into a car accident, got into countless screaming matches with my dad in front of her, left her with my dementia patient grandmother for 72 hours while me and my dad went to arizona, she was trying to call not knowing what was going on. i called her on my dads phone crying a few times. she’s been weird and i can’t get home for several hours because im walking on foot, but she’s definitely going to break up with me and i don’t know what to do. she told me i need to go to the hospital but even then she’s going to be fucking checked out of the relationship and i don’t know what to do no other girl cares about me like this. what do i do

so, to condense, i was ‘diagnosed’ with bipolar and put on medication as a teen, but to my understanding it was only temporary, but i really don’t remember much from this time period, i didn’t even remember being diagnosed, i found out recently. the medicine they put me on i remember made me feel 10x crazier, so i just stopped taking it. this was about 5 years ago. right after this I met my girlfriend and she’s been so great. I haven’t had a major ‘’manic” episode since the time mentioned above, but my uncle died in february and looking back, i was on a complete downward spiral since then.
i’m normally not a drinker but i started drinking, i don’t watch porn, i started consuming it everyday. i was calling every number in my phone making all these grand plans about business ideas i had, talking a million miles a minute, getting into fights, looking into moving to asia and was looking at dating websites in asia.
she found a screenshot on my phone and i had to explain the whole dating website thing and she broke up with me and she was really hurt by me telling her that i was considering moving away, but she forgave me after a week or so and we worked it out, she was very understanding of my grief and she was working with me to correct how i spoke to her when she caught me. (calling her crazy, minimizing, ‘gaslighting.)
then i went to a race with my dad and then we went to a bar and i was unreachable for over 16 hours, and she panicked like she didn’t trust me, and she asked if I just wanted to be single. I told her yes and then tried being friends with her but she was really short towards me (she says i was hostile towards her and had no empathy for her situation) I told her i was working on myself which wasnt a lie, but i was also on tinder, dming girls on instagram, following a bunch of girls from high school, talking to girls irl, getting their numbers texting them whatnot, all while i had told her i wasn’t even thinking about that stuff.
she figured this out because she knows me better than anyone and always seems to know things before i can tell her, and so she was heartbroken asking how i could do this starting only a day after we broke up, but like i said, we were broken up, so i didn’t see anything wrong with it.
she forgives me and still tells me she’ll be there for me, she expresses for the first time she thinks i might have bipolar and i got pissed off and yelled at her. we called a few times because she wanted to and she was taking the breakup very badly (not eating, crying everytime we talked, etc) and i told her i’d call her one night and i didn’t and she ghosted me for a week.
for that week i was so fucking depressed not having her text me, and this i think made everything worse. she texts me on mother’s day asking how id been since it had been a week and she was worried and i was so excited to talk to her, i was sending message after message and she was so dry (“that’s great!” “im so happy for you”) then i would text her little updates but she wouldn’t answer unless i asked something, this went on for about 4 days.
during this time shit was so bad between my dad and i that i moved out to my cousins house, and that went bad just because my cousin is a piece of work and wasn’t super interested in helping me, so i was in a vulnerable place and i called her like 4 times before she answered and she was drunk as fuck. i got mad and she basically got sad that i was mad and i told her i wanted to get back together and she told me no while crying and we talked about everything and i wanted her advice because like i said, she’s really smart and she always knows how to talk to me and what to say.
the next day i was so pissed off because she had told me no that i called her at work and told her i don’t want to get back together until 6 months from now. she started crying and i just had to go, i couldn’t hear that at that time with everything going on with my cousin.
fast forward i told her i was just salty about her rejecting me and i couldn’t only be nice to her if she was my girlfriend and she didn’t say anything so i didn’t really give her a choice i just told her that she was my girlfriend again.
she’s been very understanding but brought up the bipolar thing again. i hadn’t been sleeping and i was getting the cops called on me left and right and i was keeping information from her, i broke my phone and went out into the woods for days just carving “jude loves emily” into trees in 101 degree weather was unreachable for 18 hours because of my phone, got into a car accident, got into countless screaming matches with my dad in front of her, left her with my dementia patient grandmother for 72 hours while me and my dad went to arizona, she was trying to call not knowing what was going on. i called her on my dads phone crying a few times. she’s been weird and i can’t get home for several hours because im walking on foot, but she’s definitely going to break up with me and i don’t know what to do. she told me i need to go to the hospital but even then she’s going to be fucking checked out of the relationship and i don’t know what to do no other girl cares about me like this

So for context, my mother had bipolar disorder with manic depressive episodes. She passed away in 2018 when I just turned 21 and my entire life. My mom side of the family would never include my sister and I in family trips, holiday dinners, birthday parties. Mind you my one aunt lived a mile away from me for 18 years of my life (I’m 26). My other aunt and uncle would visit my aunt who lived in my area 3-4 times a year and she would also go visit them in California.
After my mom passed away, they kind of put an effort to build a relationship with me. My aunts birthday is on Mother’s Day and they invited me on a Disney trip for her birthday/Mother’s Day was the first Mother’s Day without my mom. It was an emotional time to say the least but I went the first day at the park with them…. That was aunt #2 (the eldest) unexpectedly showed up to my uncles house where we were staying…. I do not like this woman because her entire life she was jealous of my mother and put her through a lot of emotional abuse that still resonated before she passed.
During this stay when she arrived, and I set up my plate of food she told me “wow you’re eating so much don’t you think you should consider your weight?” Mind you I’m one diabetic, I dealt with a lot of hormonal issues that also made me gain weight but generally speaking I have a healthy diet. That set me off because the nerve…. Putting my mother through hell, me being a victim of that as well because that was my mother. I didn’t say anything but I left that night.
She attempted to send us letters in the mail and I sent her a text message to stop trying to contact me and if you do, there’s going to be a real problem… I told her I know that she doesn’t know me, but I am not quiet like my mother and she will watch her mouth when she speaks to me.
My sister and I are no longer on talking terms because long story short it’s better for my well-being to not have my older sister in my life as she is emotionally abusive.
Now that a few years have gone by and I don’t really have anybody in my life I want to reach out to my family about how I feel. Only problem is I feel like me going off because of the grief I had losing my mother unexpectedly and feeling neglected by these people growing up thus blocking them of my life, they may have me deemed as mentally insane like they did my mother. My aunt sent me a friend request on Facebook and I added her, but she hasn’t really said much to me.
How do I send a group message to these people (aunts, uncles, cousins) asking them to hear me out and telling my side of the story and how I feel/ felt and that’s why I cut them out of my life? I feel like maybe they have me deemed as crazy but I still feel like I needed to do what was necessary to protect myself emotionally and mentally.
Any advice on how to approach this? Or if I should just forget about it?

I’ve been in a horrible manic depressive state for months. It started off mild but now it’s escalating. Every time someone randomly looks at me for more than 3 seconds — and rationally I know it means nothing — I get so overwhelmed with rage and embarrassment because I know they’re trying to intimidate me or they’re amused because they know how easily I can spiral for no reason. And it’s so unfair because I’m always just minding my business bothering no one but people like to taunt me
They just upped my lithium and it’s only been a few days, but every day I can’t stop crying and every day I think I’m being punished for something. I’m “functioning” somehow, as I’m still able to work I just cry in the bathroom between meetings. I’ve never been to residential before and I don’t know if it’s something I should consider

Hello everyone, my name is Erik my fiancée has bipolar. I try to learn as much as I can about bipolar because I love her so much. You can't even imagine. She struggles so much at the moment and I can't convince her that everything will be alright with time. She is on quetiapine xr (550mg) for couple months, valproate(400mg) two weeks and clomipramine (75mg) two weeks. What doctor said is that she is going through major depressive episode. She cries few times a day, she feel like she's not herself anymore and she want to back like she felt before hospitalization which was cause by manic episode this year in January. Meds she's taking is ATM were changed from aripiprazole 30mg, olanzapine 20mg and additional propranolol and akineton. Her biggest enemy is "time", not like it's not enough time during the day but like it's to much time in a day because she can't do anything what she once liked doing or hobbies she had. Whenever she tries doing something she likes, that put a lot of stress and anxiety to her. When she thinks of doing anything, the first thing she feels is stress and thought "it's pointless, that's gonna take me 5 minutes and I do not feel joy by doing it". She also struggles with OCD. She also feels like is never going to end, like she put that barricade on herself. She says that she "told herself to not do things because they stress her out", she also is scared that she will never be back to her old self and that she will not be able to just laydown in bed and scroll on her phone without stress. She also can't lay down in bed without being stressed, like she just can't relax. She also mentions that she feels like an alien, that when she looks at people and see they live their lives without any care and with routines. She also can't plan a day and she can't think of what she could do during the day. I'm sorry I'm all over the place but English is not my first language. Did you feel the same way? Even if someone feel in similar way she says that is different with her and she says she can't anyone feeling or felt same way and that she's screwed. Please if you feel or felt the exact same way, let us know. All the best for you all.

Hello everyone, my name is Erik my fiancée has bipolar. I try to learn as much as I can about bipolar because I love her so much. You can't even imagine. She struggles so much at the moment and I can't convince her that everything will be alright with time. She is on quetiapine xr (550mg) for couple months, valproate(400mg) two weeks and clomipramine (75mg) two weeks. What doctor said is that she is going through major depressive episode. She cries few times a day, she feel like she's not herself anymore and she want to back like she felt before hospitalization which was cause by manic episode this year in January. Meds she's taking is ATM were changed from aripiprazole 30mg, olanzapine 20mg and additional propranolol and akineton. Her biggest enemy is "time", not like it's not enough time during the day but like it's to much time in a day because she can't do anything what she once liked doing or hobbies she had. Whenever she tries doing something she likes, that put a lot of stress and anxiety to her. When she thinks of doing anything, the first thing she feels is stress and thought "it's pointless, that's gonna take me 5 minutes and I do not feel joy by doing it". She also struggles with OCD. She also feels like is never going to end, like she put that barricade on herself. She says that she "told herself to not do things because they stress her out", she also is scared that she will never be back to her old self and that she will not be able to just laydown in bed and scroll on her phone without stress. She also can't lay down in bed without being stressed, like she just can't relax. She also mentions that she feels like an alien, that when she looks at people and see they live their lives without any care and with routines. She also can't plan a day and she can't think of what she could do during the day. I'm sorry I'm all over the place but English is not my first language. Did you feel the same way? Even if someone feel in similar way she says that is different with her and she says she can't anyone feeling or felt same way and that she's screwed. Please if you feel or felt the exact same way, let us know. All the best for you all.

Sorry kung magulo, magulo rin isip ko. Nagpacheck ako sa Psychiatrist last Jan dahil nag seself harm ako at nag attempt twice. I was diagnosed with Manic Depression. Dahil na rin sa sunod sunod na problema na dumating. Binigyan ako ng meds pampakalma at pampatulog na tinetake ko pa rin hanggang ngayon dahil ongoing pa din yung treatment ko. Nagresign din ako sa work dahil dagdag din sa stress.
Akala ko okay na ako pero bumabalik na naman lahat. Walang gana kumain, di makatulog, biglang naiiyak at laging pagod. Gusto ko sana sabihin sa family ko kaso parang pagod na rin sila sa akin. Nakita kong ang hirap pag may kapamilya kang nagsasuffer sa ganto, apektado silang lahat. Kaya ngayon ayaw ko nalang mag open up sa kanila. Gusto kong humingi ng tulong pero pinipigilan ko kasi feeling ko tingin nila okay na ako. Ayokong maramdaman na nahihirapan sila dahil sa hirap akong kontrolin nararamdaman ko. Sobrang bigat pero di ko mailabas, wala akong masabihan.

In the midst of an episode, especially if it’s extreme or lasts a long time, how do you expect to function normally? In a manic state you’re constantly doing irrational things and think you’re an alien from outer space on a mission from God. While in a depressive state you can hardly get out of your bed and do normal activities. In a mixed state you can’t sleep at all and there’s a constant irritability and the outside world doesn’t seem real. Ymmv but how are you able to function during these terrible episodes that take who you are away from you. How are you expected to hold down a job, your relationships, and your normal everyday life? I feel like I’m going insane. Why can’t I just be a normal person again? You’re telling me this is lifelong…

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Set in the universe created by u/SpacePaladin15
MASSIVE THANK YOU, LIKE SERIOUSLY HUGE THANKS to u/weithbec (this chapter would not be nearly as good if not for your help) and additional thanks to u/Liberty-Prime76 for further proofing on top of Weith's monumental efforts
As always, some appreciation to u/brotanics, u/LeWombat545, and u/JimDandy117 for the art they have done for this little story of mine. It means the world to me to see my characters brought to life. Links to their work at the bottom of the chapter.
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Memory transcription subject: Jack Carver, Human Trail Guide
Date [standardized human time]: August 17, 2137
Following the tracks left by Tevri’s captor was easy enough. Whatever it was that the captor carried left behind a trail of long lines drawn in the moist dirt, carving a wavy trail of depressed grass in its wake. The impression of the claw marks weren’t all that different from that of other birds, with the obvious difference of the impact they left.
I was probably walking straight into a trap; in fact, I knew I was walking straight into a trap. I also knew that I had no choice but to spring it.
My promised support from authorities didn’t arrive as I pushed forward. They doubtlessly would, given enough time, but at the moment, time was a rare commodity and it was slipping through my fingers.
Mud covered my boots and ran up the length of my pants. Sweat soaked the inside of my shirt, and my hair hung like a wet mop from my head. My legs strained beneath me, their muscles burning as I pushed them further than even I knew they could. Nothing could stop me now. Not if I could help it.
The trail led me even deeper into the woods, which for the most part were flat and unchanging. It wasn’t until I practically stumbled into what it was I sought that I stopped — and rather suddenly at that. I had expected some kind of wrecked ship or the remains of a crashed shuttle. Much to my surprise, a small hovel with a roof of grass and walls of dirt mixed with wood took their place.
The shelter wasn’t anything particularly special from what little I could see beneath the light of the moon, but it certainly seemed to do wonders at hiding itself from a distance. If not for the tracks, I likely would have never seen it. Only the door and some faint lights shining through ramshod windows of cracked glass gave it away.
It couldn’t have been up very long. This exterminator had only been out a few months short of a year. That whole time they must have been planning for this exact circumstance. How ‘lucky’ we were to be the ones to fall victim to their trap.
This is it. I looked up to the sky, hoping to see something, anything, but there was nothing other than the pale light of the moon and distant twinkling stars. I didn’t want to do this alone, but I had no other choice. Time was running out. There was no telling what already could have been done to her.
I stood among the shadows of tall, looming trees that fractured what little light the moon offered into thin bands that covered the forest floor. I took a deep breath and leaned back, supporting myself with the trunk of a pine. For once in your life, don’t fuck up. You’ve got one shot—she has one shot. Make it count.
The inside of my mouth was sticky with saliva that had coalesced during my uninterrupted sprint. I dared to take a sip from my canteen, swirling the water around to moisten my mouth and spit out the saliva. With my mouth now cleansed, I took a greedy gulp and let out a gasp before continuing to my rapid, shallow breathing.
As I took a moment to recover, I whipped my bag around from my back and pulled out my handgun, struggling to silently slide in a magazine as my hands trembled. It fell in, and I pulled the slide back and let it go with a heavy metallic click.
Silence. For a few long seconds, I looked up to see if I was heard, but nothing indicated that I had been given away. Gently, I set the bag I had pulled the weapon from beside a tree and raised the sidearm forward, both hands on the handle as I aimed it dead ahead.
The last time I used this thing was a time I would have much rather forgotten, but today wasn’t a day for forgetting. My rifle was an instrument of precision that had picked off the Krakotl from a distance. For those I hadn’t been able to down in a single shot, the far less precise instrument that I now held was terribly effective.
The path forward was a well-trodden one. No grass grew where this exterminator’s footsteps had surely passed by hundreds or even thousands of times. The mud clung to my boots with a soft squelch that I felt more than heard with every step. I had only been standing maybe a hundred feet away from the entrance, and I cleared that distance in a matter of moments despite my slow pace. Nothing seen through the windows indicated motion as I approached. Good. Maybe I’ll catch them off-guard.
Memories of dispatching so many of these exterminators, the memories I saw so often in my dreams, flashed before me like a footage reel. I knew how to handle these bastards. If it came to it, I could do it again.
As I reached the door, I placed an ear against it, listening for anything, but no sound came. Right. Take a deep breath. Focus. Breathe. Just breathe.
With my left hand, I pushed it forward. To my surprise, there was no resistance. With the right hand, I held the gun aloft, pointing it ahead into the darkness.
My heart stopped.
The faint lighting I had caught glimpses of kept most of the single room in darkness, but it was more than enough to illuminate what I was looking at.
Of all the faces in my nightmares, one had haunted me more than any other. I wasn’t exactly well-versed in reading the expression of aliens, but from what little I had learned, fear was an expression that could be read on a universal level. Fear was the last thing I remembered of the child. I spent far too many nights lying awake, wondering to myself what had happened to them after I had let them run free in the forest. Had they frozen to death? Starved maybe? Did another hunter find them, or did something else find them first?
Now I could put such thoughts to rest. The two beady eyes that stared back weren’t filled with fear as they had been the last time I saw them. The plume on their head had also grown, but the feather patterns and beak that had been burned into my mind were still the same.
No… It—it can’t be them. That’s impossible. How did they last this long out here, and alone for that matter?
They held one hand across Tevri’s chest and used the other to press a knife up to her throat. My hands shook as I pointed the weapon directly ahead towards them. I didn’t have a clear shot. They were using Tevri’s body as cover, standing behind her and a makeshift chair.
Tevri’s eyes widened as she saw me and her tail began to wildly flap. A gag was shoved into her mouth, and I could see that she was breathing heavily, trying as best as she could to make up for her lack of nostrils. Despite the excess movement, the exterminator — the child — stood still. To me, their face was indecipherable, other than that uncanny stillness that spoke louder than words. If not for their appearance, I don’t know that I could have said this was the same child.
They nodded my way. “Human. Before you do anything, you should lower your weapon. It’d be a shame if Tevri here was hurt, wouldn’t it?”
Tevri’s shouts were muffled through the gag. Flecks of dried orange coated her forehead and her eyes were far less focused than they normally were. I scowled something fierce, but ultimately complied, aiming the sidearm’s barrel into the dirt.
“Good. See? There’s no reason this needs to get violent.”
My eyes lingered on the blood atop Tevri’s crown. “What did you do to her?”
“Oh, nothing much, but I think I speak for us both when I say Venlil have a tendency to flee. She was never going to come along willingly, and we couldn’t have had that, now could we?” I froze. He knows. He’s been watching us, hasn’t he? He must have seen her go running.
“What do you want, you bastard?”
A huff of air left their beak — is that amusement? “Revenge. Your blood. This wretched world of yours burnt to ash like it should have been ages ago. That would all be nice, but how about something a little more palatable for both of us? I want off this world. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“And you really think I can provide that?”
“I know you can. A warrior as bloodthirsty as yourself has to command the respect of your people, no? You wouldn’t have your own slave if not for that.”
“Slave?! What the fuck!” I growled. “I’m the one in her service, not the other way around.”
“Ah. Right. Of course you are. Now, your hunting party may not be with you now, but I’m going to need you to call in your fellow predators. Oh, and be sure they bring a space-worthy vessel with them.”
“Wha— even if I could get that for you, why the fuck would I do anything you ask?”
As I asked this, the Krakotl tugged on Tevri’s left ear and yanked her head back, driving the dagger even closer to her neck. “This seems like reason enough, wouldn’t you say?”
“Alright, alright!” I raised both hands, pointing the gun to the ceiling rather than the Krakotl. “There’s no reason anyone has to get hurt.”
“You’re right. There isn’t. Now, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. You are going to call in an FTL capable vessel that I am going to use to escape this planet. To make sure you humans don’t shoot down the craft before I jump, I’ll keep Tevri with me, then allow her to leave using any onboard escape craft before exiting the system. Oh, and for good measure, go ahead and slide that weapon between us, would you?”
The Krakotl didn’t stutter once as he spoke, instead staring me directly in the eyes the entire time. It was unsettling to say the least. Relinquishing my weapon was a terrible idea, no less terrible than letting him take Tevri. I knew that it was, so I stood there delaying my fulfillment of his command. It only took a few seconds of silence however before he pressed the blade closer to her neck, going so far as to dig into the fur that covered her skin.
“Alright! Fine! J-just take that thing away from her throat.”
“Gladly, if you’ll drop the weapon and do as I say.”
I lowered my aim and bowed down, setting the gun on the dirt floor and doing my best to slide it towards the Krakotl. It didn’t go all the way, but it was far enough that I could no longer reach it. As I stood back up, I raised both palms above my head to show I was no longer a threat. “There, now… please, just don’t hurt her.”
The Krakotl scoffed and made an expression that imitated a sneer. “It’s funny, I remember begging just like that not too long ago. Do you remember it?” They pulled away with the dagger, still allowing it to hover close to Tevri’s throat but not close enough to dig into her skin.
I didn’t offer an answer, not that I needed to.
“You probably relished their screams didn’t you? You and the rest of your deranged species can’t help but find joy in the suffering of others. Well, you and your people may have been able to fool some members of the Federation into believing you’re capable of empathy, but when I make it back to Nishtal and tell them what’s been going on down here, I’ll make sure the whole galaxy sees you monsters for who you truly are.”
Nishtal. He doesn’t know.
He couldn’t know, not since he’s been down here without contact for months now. “You’re picking the wrong fight kid. The war’s over. Has been for months now.”
“And you think I’m just going to believe you? Tevri here spewed the same propaganda, no doubt heard from you or other humans. It’s not possible. We far outnumber your pathetic forces. You barely survived the battle above your planet and that was only because your Arxur allies swooped in at the last moment to save you.”
“They weren’t the only ones to support us,” I spat back. “After the truth of the shadow council’s crimes against sapient life came to light, former members of the Federation flocked to our aid. The Zurulians, the Yotul, the Venlil, they all helped us in taking down the same bastards that destroyed their culture and broke their people with that damned cure.”
The Krakotl growled. “You’re lying.”
“And you’re delusional! I’ll gladly try and get you that ship for all the good that it’ll do you once you get to Nishtal, but the world you left behind doesn’t exist anymore.”
The kid screeched, pointing the knife my way rather than towards Tevri. Good. That’s it. Focus on me instead of her.
“SHUT UP! JUST—SHUT UP!” The composure he had seemed so full of moments ago melted away to reveal his manic state. He was far too calm before. This attitude better matched his actions.
“No more of that shit. No more of your lies. I’m not having any of it! If you value your pet’s life, I’d suggest you give the propaganda a rest before I trigger that blood instinct of yours.” He returned the makeshift knife to her throat, erasing any sense of satisfaction I had taken from seeing his true nature reveal itself.
I nodded. Okay, just stay still. As much as it might sting, you’ve just gotta listen to what he wants. For Tevri. This is all for Tevri.
“Good, Now, go ahead and call in that transport.”
“I’ve not called one in, not that I could if I wanted to, but I’ve called some folks who might have access to one.”
“Good. I suppose we wait for them then.”
“Right, well I’ve done what you asked. Could I… Can I speak with her?”
The Krakotl scoffed. “I’ve waited almost a full year for this. You can wait a little longer to speak with your pet.”
With every use of that word I could feel the rage within me begin to boil over and spill out. Control yourself. For her sake. “So help me if you call her that one more time I will—”
“You’ll what? Kill me? As skilled of a hunter as you may be human, I guarantee you, my talon is quicker than anything you could attempt.” As if to display this fact, they spun the knife around in their hand once only to press it back up against Tevri’s neck once more, eliciting muffled squeaks. Her eyes darted back and forth, to him with fear and to me with pleading.
My brow furrowed as I stared daggers at the Krakotl. “She’s not a pet.”
“Sure. Whatever you say. Not that I will, or even can, take your word for it.”
It was as he said this that it finally hit me. How I hadn’t realized it before, I chalked up to whatever sense of urgency and the panic that drove me to confront the child. But it was clear now. There was no point in negotiating. To this child, I was nothing but a monster. He would only accept absolute cooperation from my end. Nothing less, nothing more.
I can’t let him just take her. Who’s to say he won’t go back on his word and take her with him to Nishtal? It’s not exactly federation space anymore, but it certainly isn’t within UN jurisdiction either. I’ve got to get her away from him.
A terrible silence fell between us both as we waited. With my gun now out of reach, I had next to no options for helping Tevri escape his clutches. This was only confirmed as my gaze darted throughout the room searching for anything I might be able to take advantage of. There wasn’t much to take note of. This hovel consisted of a single room, of which every wall was packed dirt. A small nest made of twig and torn up fabric rested in the back right corner of the room while a makeshift table made of wood that looked to have been reclaimed from park benches was shoved against the wall to my left. The two windows I had seen earlier allowed a small amount of moonlight to filter inside while allowing the dull light of a nearby lamp to escape in turn. The seat that Tevri now sat in was no less primitive than the workbench, with each leg being nailed together using small branches and more pieces of reclaimed wood. Out of everything there though, nothing could help me in any way, not that I could reach for anything before the Krakotl reacted by sealing Tevri’s fate.
I felt stupid, standing there as the Krakotl’s gaze bored into me, but there was nothing I could do. I had no choice but to wait for backup and hope against hope that they could somehow negotiate for her release.
I moved on from looking for solutions and instead settled on Tevri. Her chest heaved with exertion from the heavy breaths that the gag demanded of her, and her eyes were stuck in a state of perpetual wideness. Her tail sat still, and both ears stuck up straight. The wool on her head was matted with mud and blood, while thin scrapes of orange marked her forearms and ankles.
We locked eyes, me and her. The Venlil’s orange irises quivered as she did, and shone as a light among our dim surroundings. Then, for a split second, they looked down to something. I stood still, confused for a moment until she repeated the gesture. It wasn’t until the third time that she repeated the motion that what she meant dawned upon me.
The Krakotl’s gaze was still focused upon me. This didn’t change as my own view shifted down at a pace slow enough to not draw his immediate attention. I saw a flash of movement from behind Tevri’s back.
Were those… no, it can’t be. I could have sworn I just saw her hand peeking out. This wasn’t all. A length of rope dangled beneath her legs. The end was frayed, no, not frayed. It was cut.
Smart girl. Those claws of hers were sharper than I thought. They were also sharper than the Krakotl thought as was all too apparent. Okay, I can work with this.
As I looked up, I saw that the Krakotl’s focus hadn’t shifted. He didn’t notice Tevri’s handiwork. Right. If I can just find a distraction to get that knife away from her throat, she can get out of harm’s way.
“So, uh, what’s your name kid?”
“What’s it to you?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Only curious. If we want to solve all of this without violence like you’re saying, maybe it’d help to know each other’s name.”
His glare softened, if only somewhat. “Omopaulim. Though I’d prefer Omo.”
“Right,” I said, pressing a flat palm against my chest. “And I’m Jack.”
The Krakotl only gave a grunt of acknowledgement as a response.
“So, anything that you would like to know about me while we wait?”
“No,” he said flatly.
Right. He probably thinks he already knows everything he needs to. “Oh come on, there’s got to be something.”
He paused this time before responding. “Fine, I’ll peck. Why did you do it?”
“Do what?”
“You murdered my only companion in this world. What would compel you to do something like that?”
I hadn’t expected him to ask the question so bluntly, even if it was one I had anticipated. “Despite what you might say, we humans do have empathy. I was like you are now when the bombs that your fleet dropped took my brother: lost, scared, broken, hurting. Hell, I still am.”
If my words had any impression upon the kid, it wasn’t an apparent one. I kept going anyway.
“But you and your people were right about one thing with us. We can be dangerous. We don’t need to be though. We don’t want to either. But, when you hurt a human just wrong enough, you’re only asking for trouble.”
“You would have been trouble anyways if we hadn’t had the foresight to deal with you as early as we did.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong. We humans, we only ever wanted to meet others like us out there. If you and your people hadn’t showed up on our planet’s doorstep with bombs in tow, you’d still be home with your family, living the life that should have been yours.”
“And if you and your people had gone extinct centuries ago like you should have—“ As Omo said this, he took the knife from Tevri’s throat and pointed it at me.
He was interrupted mid sentence as the back of Tevri’s head slammed against his beak and he was sent reeling. With that, Tevri leapt forward, toppling the chair and throwing herself into the dirt. With her surprisingly strong legs, she managed to clear most of the distance between us.
I rushed forward to pick her up, earning an ear flick of acknowledgement as I yanked the gag from her mouth. “Thanks,” she said with hoarseness to her voice. “I—” A loud screech in the form of Omo interrupted her. The young exterminator rushed towards both of us with his knife pointed at me.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I stood back to my full height and ran to meet the Krakotl rather than let him approach us first.
Omo lunged, attempting to plunge the knife into my abdomen. For the bragging of how dextrous he was with the blade, it was clear he had little to no experience when it came to actual combat. This didn’t mean he couldn’t still be deadly. The knife flicked past me, cutting through the air and striking nothing. He tried again, with slightly more success, managing to slice open my clothes and nick my waist as I danced to the side just in time.
As he extended his arm to make the attack, my hand shot out and seized the wrist that held his makeshift weapon. With a sharp twist, the Omo cried out in pain and dropped it. A single punch decked the kid, and I pounced, making sure to pin him.
He fought back as best he could, but the comparative size between us left no room for competition. I continued to whale on him, throwing punch after punch, each landing home. The last of them spawned a spiraling web of cracks that branched out from the point where my fist met his beak. Despite the blows, he was still up and kicking, screeching and scratching at my arms with his claws.
“P-please,” he sputtered, spitting up violet blood as he spoke. “Don’t—Hrrk“
My hands wrapped around his long neck and squeezed. His eyes bulged from their sockets and his beak opened wide as he struggled to breathe. My grip tightened as he scrambled and clawed at my hands, trying and failing to free himself.
Any sentiment of sympathy for him was washed away by the adrenaline surging through my veins. With every attempt of his flailing talons to swipe at my hands and arms, my grip grew tighter around his throat. I dug my knee into his abdomen, forcing the air from his lungs as I put the full weight of my body against his chest.
He deserves this! Look what he did to her! He could have killed her!
He deserved to die for what he did to her. She was innocent and he could have killed her for nothing more than associating with me. Tevri never could have known about what I did, yet here she was, drugged to high hell and dragged through the woods by this bastard that couldn’t learn to change.
Every time I had killed an exterminator all those months ago, I had made certain my job was done. No loose ends were left, and the town and those I cared about were safe because of it — well, all loose ends but one.
A snarl escaped my lips as I watched the Krakotl’s eyes begin to fade and his struggle grew weaker and weaker. His hands no longer scratched at mine, reaching away from me instead as if he was trying to find some escape. He would find none.
“Stop!” Tevri’s cry cut through the haze of rage. “He’s harmless now! J-just let him go!” I swung around to look at her, and she flinched as I locked eyes with her. The same terror that I had inspired mere hours ago was plastered across her. It was this that yanked me back to reality — to the reality of what I was doing. What was I doing?
My grip loosened, but didn’t relent entirely. Oh fuck. I—I’m doing it again.
Yes. You’re doing it for her, just as you did it for Nick.
For her? Look at her! She’s petrified just standing near you! She’s asked—no, begged you to stop. Can you really excuse this as being for her?
He was with the ones who bombed Earth. He deserves the same fate.
Does he? He’s a kid. Do you really think he was the one to pull the lever? To issue their commands? To muster their fleet?
He’s complicit.
He’s a child*.*
If you take his life, you’ll prove that he and the federation were right. You’d be the monster he thinks you are. He’s helpless. His death by your hands would be murder and nothing less.
So, what will it be then? What are you?
What am I?
I’ve killed before. I’d kill again if I had to, but this… this is different. Even if it was a loose justification, I had something to drive my rampage against the Krakotl. This kid though… they’re helpless against me.
“Please!” croaked Tevri. Her voice was strained and on the verge of breaking as she pleaded with me.
You might not be able to undo your actions, but you can choose to not perpetuate them. This child had suffered enough. You have suffered enough. End the cycle. Be better.
My clenched hands gave way as the tension holding the Krakotl’s neck was released. Omo gasped, coughing haggardly immediately after taking in a breath.
I looked at my hands. Crimson rivers trickled down them from where my forearms had been scratched and scraped by Krakotl claws. Droplets of violet speckled them, but for the most part, the blood was my own.
After poring over my hands, I turned to Tevri, whose tear-filled eyes and terrible condition tugged at my heart. She didn’t speak, but she didn’t need to. She had already done enough.
It was her guidance that helped me make this choice. If she even cared to talk to me after this was all over, it was my hope that she could only continue to better me.
She was panting, her mouth left agape as she tried to catch up on the breath lost by the gag covering her mouth. She looked better though. Then again, it isn’t difficult to look better after you’ve been tied up and held hostage.
Despite it all, despite everything, I gave a weak chuckle and smiled. She wasn’t nearly as capable of smiling as a human, but her lips turned up and her ears stuck upright as her tail flicked behind her.
I-I think that’s a good sign. Maybe things will turn out alright after—
My thought was interrupted as a thunderous bang reverberated through the room.
My ears rang. I saw Tevri’s mouth open, but didn’t hear anything come from it. The brief return to something resembling a comfortable state was shattered, and fear once again constituted her countenance.
It took a moment for reality to catch back up to me. I thought I was safe. I thought we were safe. It was idiotic of me not to remain vigilant considering that this kid had been attempting to stab me mere moments ago, but reveling in my moment of self-triumph had been a bit too much.
I went from sitting on my knees to screaming and scrambling backward across the ground. My hand shot to my abdomen where a stab of pain sprouted from nothing. Heat began to form where the pain originated, and as I looked down, I watched a red spot grow beneath my shirt.
The shot came from Omo, who lay on his back with both claws holding up the same weapon that I had once threatened him with. His eyes were wide, and his face was a terrible mess of blood and bruises. More than a few feathers had fallen free during our scuffle, and those spots were just as apparent.
Tevri stood still, shock and fear taking over her body. The relief at being pried from the Krakotl’s clutches was just as quickly warped into terror.
Omo stood himself up on wobbly legs as I scooted backwards, pressing myself against the wall in an attempt to put as much distance between us as I could manage. Another indecipherable expression coated his face, though it was different from the last. He ignored Tevri and walked past her towards me.
The gun I had tossed aside was held up in both hands. It was far too big for him, but he managed to wield it, pointing its barrel into the dirt.
“I would have thought you’d be a better hunter than to let your prey get the upper hand like this.” His voice was weak and hoarse, but the conviction he spoke with was audible even through my translator.
“You could have killed me, but you didn’t. Why? Why kill Maiatim but stop to give me mercy? Twice!”
The Krakotl still sucked in ragged breaths of air, but as he stopped, he raised the weapon and aimed it directly at my head.
“I—I won’t make the same mistake. You’re too dangerous to be left alive. I can’t say I’m sorry for this, b-but I do regret that it had to be this way. Goodbye, Jack.”
I would’ve been lying if I said I was ready to go. My parents certainly wouldn’t take the news well, not after they had already lost their other son. I doubted my friends would take it much better either. I had no control over how others would react to my passing, but if the general attitude of those in Healy towards aliens was anything to go by, they wouldn’t react well. Atop the pile of all these worries, the prospect of leaving Tevri behind almost hurt more than the growing pain in my abdomen.
She’s strong. She didn’t need you before you met her, and she sure as hell won’t when you’re gone.
You did your best. You changed. Even if you couldn’t stop the violence, you chose to quit participating in it. The sidearm shook as Omo's trembling claw wrapped around the trigger. I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.
The seconds stretched; every beat of my heart lasted minutes, every breath took hours. I had heard of your life flashing before your eyes, but I wasn’t a believer of such experiences until now.
As time slowed, I saw my childhood, the years spent with Nick, our summers spent together goofing off and spending long nights talking beneath the stars as we ignored any semblance of a curfew set by Ma and Pa. I saw us attending school together, me standing up for him against those who dared push him around and the flak I always caught for it. Pa was proud though, and that was all that mattered to me. I sat through every failed relationship I’d ever had, each of which I was probably better off for not having followed through with. I watched through my own eyes as we celebrated Nick’s graduation and acceptance into university, then struggled to stand by as I told him to leave home behind in the pursuit of something greater. The rampage that ensued following his death was just as vivid as ever, every death, every kill, played back as though it were recorded and transmitted back to me. And last, but certainly not least, there were the events of the last week or so.
A hard, crack and thunk were followed by yet another deafening boom.
If this was death, then it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I was still pretty sore, and that pain in my side hadn’t gone away yet. My heart was still beating and my breaths were still ragged. The stale, earthy air continued to flow in and out of my nose.
For all my lack of belief in religion, I could have sworn I saw an angel wreathed in light as I cracked open my eyes. The figure only grew in brilliance the further my eyes opened — that is until recognition dawned upon me.
Tevri?
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Cover Image
Tevri in a sweater - By u/Brotanics
Tevri - By u/Brotanics
A Depiction of Jack's Dream - By u/LeWombat545
Tevri (Discord Nitro Exchange Commision >:D ) - By u/JimDandy117
Lil' Goob Tevri - By u/JimDandy117
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First Previous Next

I will try to describe my condition as quick as possible ....
Age : 25M
Occupation : university student, education stopped because of current mental issues, hoping to return to school.
Diagnoses before the onset of current issues : ADHD, suspected OCD. Symptoms were never serious enough to seek help or use medication.
Current issues : 13 months ago I heavily abused synthetic weed (HHCp) for 2 months straight.. when I quit cold turkey I experienced massive acute withdrawal full of anxiety and severe insomnia.
Later I entered what can only be described as post acute withdrawal syndrome.
I experience cycles of feeling totally normal, anxious, severely depressed or mixed anxious and depressed. These cycles last a couple of days but I often had cycles of feeling normal last for as long as 2 weeks and cycles of severe depression lasting only a day or two. Its completely random.
These cycles don't seem to have any triggers and happen at random.
Reading from other peoples experiences online with PAWS from synthetic cannabinoids lasting 2-3 years I decided to try medication.
Benzos - completely remove my symptoms but cause rebound anxiety the next day. And as an ex addict I don't want to use them...
Zoloft - no help
Lexapro - no help
Mirtazapine - better sleep and appetite, mood swings remain the same.
Wellbutrin - had to quit because of unbearable anxiety.
After trying these meds I was hospitalized and had 6 session of ECT that did not help.
Duloxetine/Seroquel combination - FINALLY a partial response, improvement in anxiety but still experiencing frequent depressive lows that last a few days at a time.. Duloxetine was maxed out at 120 mg while Seroquel was at 200mg XR.
Currently cross tapering to Effexor XR.... too soon to judge..
So me and my doctor decided that if Effexor won't help we will try lamictal.
Is this in your opinion a good decision ? Could lamictal help ?
I experience no mania or hypomania, I feel normal during my good days and experience intense emotional suffering during my bad days..
UPDATE : in the middle of writing this I got the message that my doctor is no longer sick and I can go for a check up now, she has decided to start the lamotrigine now while increasing Effexor further.
Could lamotrigine be the "missing puzzle piece" to get my mood swings under control ?

Just hit day 7 which marks when to start dosing twice a day. I wake up on average between 5:30-6:30 am and take my, vyvanse, lamictal and auvelity then. I take my zyprexa and Vraylar between 7:00-8:30 pm. Takes a few hours for those to help with sleep (more so with zyprexa). I’ve had mixed messages on taking my first weeks dose in the morning or at night. I personally felt much more energized than drowsy on Auvelity, so I kept it in the mornings. I’m seeing some positive effects. I think vyvanse compliments it well. I’m not spending hours in bed depressed. Still catching a nap though which is ok. I hop out of bed rather than laying there like I had been for a few months. My hygiene routine is getting better. That’s always a clear sign I’m depressed when I don’t take daily showers and other morning self care routines. Still getting bad side effects like dry heaving in the morning, feeling kinda shroomy/rolly (sometimes kinda enjoyable but the upset stomach that goes along with that kills most of the fun). Also, tmi, but I can’t finish during intercourse. Hoping after a month, these side effects will go away.
So, all that being said, how many hours should I wait between doses?

Hi! So I’m bodily age 20 and looking for friends over the age of 18 that are also littles to see if this will help me feel better and less anxious when regressed and bc I need friends haha am lonely and bored like allllll the time so I wanna make friends for a changes!
Lil facts about me;
Name: Sora Age: 20 (little age 1-14 I think) Likes: anime, reading, manga, writing, wolfblood, Bluey, cartoons Dislikes: bullies, loud noises and when little the dark and thunderstorms Extra: I have yet to be diagnosed with bpd, manic depressive bipolar, and a dissociative/personality disorder. What I have been diagnosed with is depression and anxiety Ik for a fact the other three I’m suspecting heavily
If you’d like to know more about me you can always just ask!
My discord is ; sorathealltiny