This post is for all you highly functional stoners out there just tryna live your life and get a job.
Let me start off by saying that I live in a state where recreational marijuana use is legal. Unfortunately, I am a healthcare worker and due to the battle between state and federal government on this subject, my job(s) continue to screen for the Mary Jane. It’s a huge disappointment for me because I smoke mainly to relieve anxiety and to get to sleep at night (and cuz it’s fun) and when I heard that it would be legal recreationally I thought my drug test stress would be a thing of the past. Ugh, oh well. As for a little background, I am a female who is about 120 lbs, exercises frequently, and smokes at least 1-2 chillums daily. Most days it’s more but it’s never less than that. Also, I’m not affiliated with any detox products so you’re getting the absolute truth about this stuff, I’m just a girl who likes her weed.
Anyways, here is my method to passing hospital grade and Quest Diagnostics urine drug screenings. I speak from experience, my track record is 3-1 (we’ll cover that one L at the end) and all of these tests were done 6 days after I stopped smoking. So my first recommendation is don’t be stupid, stop smoking (if you can) the moment you think a drug test may be ahead of you. My anxiety is always through the roof in the days before the test because I like to smoke right up until the week before, but don’t be like me. Do yourself a favor and give yourself plenty of time to detox naturally, even if it isn’t 100% necessary.
So here’s the deal. I use QCarbo16 (for you heavier users and stoners 150+ lbs get QCarbo32) and I follow these steps. Side note I’ve read some users like to double up and get two bottles and to each their own but I can only handle so much of that sugary ass drink. The steps I take were explained at this website if you want further confirmation (
https://qcarbo.dangeroustactics.com/contact/).
- Drink a dieuretic (coffee, soda, etc) to get yourself peeing frequently.
- Don’t eat much the day of the test cuz your body absorbs the detox drink better on an empty stomach. I usually have something light like toast or nothing at all.
- Start pounding the H2O. To be honest your water intake should be elevated the week of the test but really hit it home the day of.
- The detox takes an hour to kick in and lasts for approximately 5 hours so time it right. I like to plan for the test to be right in the middle of that window.
- When you drink the detox pound that shit and chase with a refill in that same bottle of just water. This ensures you got it all.
- Try not to piss yourself and continue drinking as much water as possible. I tracked it last time and I consumed 188 oz of water. It was very uncomfortable but every bit worth it when the test comes back. Plus the detox tints your urine so if you don’t drink enough water it will look greenish because it is too concentrated.
- Pee least 3 times before your test but try for more. Be careful around the time of your test though because you need to reach the fill line on that cup and you don’t want your urine to look too pale. Mine always does but no one has questioned me before.
- Give yourself a pep talk and go make that drug test your bitch, you are ready.
- Last and finally, roll yourself a fatty to celebrate evading this stupid system !
Extra comments:
I am prescribed adderall for my ADHD and this always shows up on the drug screen (without detox on board). Interestingly, even when I take the pill the day of the detox still manages to pull off a faint negative! Amazing!
The tests I have taken at the hospital itself spit out results within 5 minutes so I am able to see the negative lines developing. From this I learned that the negative isn’t even faint! It’s not super strong either but it’s definitely enough to be a clear pass. Keep in mind though I avoid weed for 6 days, so your outcome may differ.
I did read that too much exercise in the 2-3 days before your test causes THC in your fat cells (which you are burning) to be released into the bloodstream. So be careful of this. Plus let’s be real unless you are Michael Phelps there’s no chance you’ll burn enough fat to clear your body of THC.
The L I spoke of earlier was because my immature ass ordered the first detox that came up on Amazon and thought I’d be okay if I stopped smoking 2 days before the test. The detox was some kind of pill and let me tell you when I sat in my employer’s office and listened to the voicemail list off that weed and niacin (substance often used in detoxes to attempt to cover up the THC) were both found, I was hella embarrassed. I tried to find the link to that product so you guys know what to avoid but it was so long ago that it didn’t come up. Bottom line, don’t trust any random pills on the internet.
I wrote this post to reassure you functional pot heads that there is a magic detox out there to solve your problems but mainly because I hate the stupid rule in the first place. Weed should not be a schedule I drug and quite honestly, as long as you aren’t high as shit and messing up at work, people should be allowed to smoke weed and have a job!
P.S. If you came across this post and had a drug test, please share your experience! Even if you did things differently, for the purpose of science and pee tests I would like to gather more data!