Adderall and aging

I can’t enjoy life. I haven’t been able to enjoy my life for a while now. Everything costs money. Now everything is so damn expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck. After I get paid, once I pay all my bills the small amount of money I have left immediately goes to gas, groceries, laundry, etc. I had to even cancel all my subscriptions (Netflix/CrunchyRoll) in order to have more money to get by. Now I’m broke and bored. It feels like job raises don’t even matter at work anymore especially in retail.
I currently make $22 an hour as a retail supervisor. I haven’t done anything nice for myself in months. When I get invited out I feel bad because I have to keep declining because I can never admit that I’m really struggling. Sometimes I resent my parents because it feels like I never had a fair shot at life like others. Grew up with a mother that was very financially irresponsible. I remember being age 19/20 and having to take out pay day loans along with my brothers so we could pay rent because my mom would randomly quit her jobs. I started working at age 16 to support myself and I got sucked into paying bills in my household because my mom refused to keep a job. All I knew was survival and never really got the opportunity to use my money for myself and my future. We always had to make up for our mom’s mistakes and carelessness. I try not to be a victim to my past but it’s rough and I’m working on moving on.
The worst part is improving your mental health also cost a lot of money. Therapy, medication, and Psychiatrist, etc. I haven’t been able to get my adderall prescription in two months because I ran out of money on my work medical card and couldn’t afford an appointment. I’ve been avoiding getting a second job because my goal was to find one good job but I’m tired of being broke. If I have to sacrifice some free time to make more money I’m going to do it.
Anyone else working two jobs? How do you balance?

The age old question of those of us with ADHD, it is currently 10 am and I hear birds chirping outside my window, after another long night of no sleep.
I have struggled with insomnia my entire life, was recently prescribed adderall (20mg, ER). My sleep schedule has suffered even more than it already was, and I have been falling asleep around 8-9 am and waking around 2-3 pm.
I am considering just taking my adderall right now so I’m not miserable the rest of the day today, and just going to bed early tonight to fix my sleep schedule.
Should I sleep some now or ride it out?

Trigger Warning : suicide. Backstory to give context; 34f, I was recently diagnosed. I started seeking out therapy 3 years ago, I've displayed all the adhd symptoms, but I guess because of my age/gender adhd hasnt occurred to anyone (including me). I've gotten the usual general anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I've been through antidepressants and xanax, it just makes me feel nothing and sleepy all the time. It's hardER to function like that.
I got breast cancer, I got the full monte treatment with some heavy chemo, and I'm in remission (with no tatas lol). This stripped me of ALL my masking abilities and I was almost non functional (you know what i mean). My oncologist connected me with the psychiatrist in their network. After some time with him he suggested I may have adhd and wanted to evaluate me. I was stunned by the 50 page paper "quiz". It asked me questions that hit me at my core. I'm prescribed adderall xr and it has changed my life for the better in every way.
My mother has quite a few diagnosis under her belt, and I'm sure they've missed something. She has attempted suicide 3 times. I lived with my father beginning at age 8. At 63, she's still competent and holds down a full time job. In my adult life, we've become very close. I used to call her almost everyday (we live in different states).
She simply does not believe I have Adhd. She laughed when I first told her and stopped when she saw I was upset. She has continued to deny that I have it and I find myself reasoning with her and explaining myself!! She counters with the fact I was in gifted classes and was "a good kid". No, I didn't jump on coffee tables screaming and bite teachers, but I didn't talk to anyone at home! My mother was absent and my father and stepmother were too involved with each other to even notice my brother or myself. I masked hard and didn't realize it, my father wasn't really nice (he is now that he's old). It's so frustrating that she is willing to accept literally any other diagnosis but ADHD. It really feels dehumanizing talking to her about it. I don't want to call her like I used to. When I talk to her we avoid the subject, but it's heavy on me that she thinks of me that way.
So I'm thinking of cutting her off for a while. I can't stand the tension. I've sent her things to read for education and her response is to kind of laugh and say "yeah maybe later ha". I can't change or mind or convince her. I don't even think I want to at this point. I'm not going to ghost her, but I think I'm going to tell her just like I'm telling you guys. I'm going to say "getting the correct diagnosis has improved my life and I'm sorry you feel like you do. I have sent you education material and I'm sorry, but until you can accept this and be respectful.. I need to cut off contact for my well being." I'll figure out how to tell her she's welcome to come back when she can be more respectful.
I could cut her off at the knees, I could ask her how would she know because she wasn't there... but I don't want an argument.
Thanks for reading, i needed to get that off my chest. Hope you guys have a wonderful day.

I (27F) have an older brother, 33M. We didn't get along very much as kids due to the age gap, not for my lack of trying. I never really understood why my brother didn't really like spending time with me, because he was one of my favorite people in the world, despite all his bullying.
For context, I'll give some examples of what my brother has done to me over the years with some vague age ranges of when they occurred.
When I was about 3, my brother convinced me that red was orange and orange was red because I was learning my colors in preschool. He also used to steal food like tater tots off my little high chair tray and would pretend he didn't do anything when my mom checked on why I was crying (I was NOT a fussy baby/toddler, so it set off alarm bells when I did.)
I think when I was 4 or 5, my brother came into my room after I had already been put to bed, and he woke me up. Thing is, he was hovering over me with a scary mask on, only the hallway light, and a butterknife. Not sure I really have to explain why that was traumatic. I'm still afraid of masks to this day.
When I was around 10-12, my brother kept drinking all the milk or kool aid that I would make and never replenish/remake it. I told him to stop, he wouldn't, of course. My mom was fostering other children and didn't have time for squabbles like this. So I very visibly spit on top of the kool aid pitcher and left the lid off so it was seen. What does my (reminder, 17-19) brother do? He wrenches the bowl of cereal I'm currently eating out of my hands, spits in it, and shoves it back at me hard enough that it spilled all over me. Now, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a violent person. But I was still a child and fed up with being bullied by someone who was/almost an adult. I never tried getting physical before because I was so much smaller, but I hit puberty kind of early. So I splashed the bowl back at him to see how he liked it. He threw me to the ground and hit me. My mom had to break us up and told us we were both to blame, so he didn't even get punished.
Several times, he would turn the lights off on me when I was on the other side of the room in the basement away from the switch, because I was afraid of the dark for a very long time.
We had Sonic Adventure 2 we shared. If we ever fought about something, or I reminded him it was my turn, he threatened to say goodbye forever to my chao. I am extremely soft hearted so that accomplished what he wanted.
Sometimes I would notice my things go missing. I had assumed maybe my mom put them away somewhere and forgot, but I'm pretty sure I know what happened to them. Especially gamecube games-- Those discs were tiny! He was pawning them for drug and booze money. One time he was drunk and admitted he had been selling his adderall for other drugs. That came to a head one terrible Christmas Eve. Brother was home for the holiday and I'm not very clear on what events led up to it, but my parents caught my brother in the bathroom with a baggie of various drugs that he was already doing. He insisted it was just weed, but my parents didn't believe that. I wouldn't know, I only briefly saw the bag, but it was full of both a large green ball of like leaves and lots of white powder. It was a vicious screaming match for a few hours. I hid out in my room on a different floor and played a video game as loud as I could so I didn't have to hear my family. The screams died down after a while, and I cautiously went out of my room. My brother had left the house for a while. I had a few holiday assignments and decided to just crank them out while my family cooled off, and I did it at the dining room table because that's where our Christmas tree was too and I desperately needed that good cheer magic. I was quietly writing, not saying anything, not making much noise, when my brother came back in the house. He stopped off at the kitchen for something and muttered something rude and belittling to me. At this point I'm a preeten-early teen and he had already ruined the day that had always been magical to me before, as my grandma used to stay over with us on Christmas Eve. She had died rather recently at the time. And I can't tell you exactly what I said. I think I've blocked out as much as I can. I made some snide remark, something like 'at least I don't do drugs' and in the next second I was yanked out of my chair. My brother picked me up by the neck and slammed me against the wall. I know I clawed and kicked against the wall as hard as I could. I blacked out, and I woke up on the floor with my parents absolutely screaming at him that he could have killed me. As a side note to the whole ordeal, he never apologized, and it's made my adult life a lot harder as weed becomes more and more commonplace. Just the thought of it used to send me in a panic attack, I could feel the hands choking me again. I've gotten better about dealing with it, but I still refuse to have it in any part of my life whatsoever. It's cost me a few relationships.
When I was in college, my brother had moved back in with me and my parents because his girlfriend dumped him for being a piece of shit that worked at walmart and did nothing but drink all day despite having a state paid scholarship, that he wasted, because he couldn't keep his GPA above 2.8. He was a music major. The classes he took were things like 'History of Jimi Hendrix' and 'The Beatles'. He just partied too much to even attend class. He took the dog they got with him, not at all prepared for her. The dog is a high energy breed that is difficult to train, and we had two small 5-10 pound dogs at home. At 1 year old, bro's dog was about 30 pounds. He often left for several hours during summers/breaks when I was home, without telling anyone, knowing that I would either hear the dog cry if he crated them and feel bad and let them out or that I wouldn't banish them to a crate if they were already in a room with me. The dog bullied our other dogs and bit at everyone. Dog was incredibly overly protective of my brother-- Trait of the breed. I was back at college for a few months and had spent a good month mourning the loss of a 5 year relationship. I never really heard anything from him. Then out of the blue, my brother asks me if I can let him and dog stay for the night (we live 2 hours from the college) because my mom had kicked him out. The dog had bit her and she snapped at my brother to control his f'ing dog and he responded by calling her, the woman who birthed him, payed for his other college costs, paid back loans he promised to pay to other family members, never charged him rent, and he called her a f'ing female dog. She snapped. While I agree that my mom was completely in the right to do that, I have too soft of a heart to just leave him with nowhere to go. He promised it was just a night so he could get in touch with some friends closer to home and figure shit out. I let him come to me.
I really regret that decision.
At the time I had a new roommate (she was very nice though, I liked her) and a sort of FWB who doted on me for a little while. I texted FWB and asked if he could bring some alcohol by-- I was still 19 at the time, underage to buy it, but FWB was old enough and agreed the man could probably do with a drink. We stayed out on our little porch area to make sure that we wouldn't be disturbing my roomie in any way while we socialized. My brother got really wasted. He told me terrible things about our deceased grandmother (who he knew I had really loved growing up, and had no idea about who she really was because she had always loved me). And he laughed. He laughed when he saw the discomfort on my face. My FWB was feeling pretty bad for me and suggested we go to bed because it was also like 3 in the morning and both of us had class in the morning, so we go inside. The apartment has a shared common room/living room, little kitchen area, and laundry closet. My bedroom is on one side and roomie's was on the other-- Both bathrooms are also ensuite to the bedroom. So I went in and changed out of my clothes into something comfier to sleep in and crawled into my bed, letting my brother do his own thing in the bathroom. I'm just trying to rest and suddenly my brother is pulling me out of my bed and dragging me out of my own room. He's yelling that he's taking my bed, did I really expect him to take the couch? And I'm not very confrontational. I'm flustered, tired, and honestly a little afraid after the neck choke incident. FWB steps in like a hero and tries to calmly explain that its my bed, and I will sleep in it, I have been kind enough to let him stay and he should not be so ungrateful. Brother fucking loses his mind. Starts screaming his head off about how selfish I am and how reliant I am on our parents and won't be able to do anything on my own as an adult (I was financially dependent on my parents at 19 while in college, shocker). He starts drunkenly trying to pick up his dog's toys and searching for his keys, and both FWB and I step in and tell him he can't go driving like this, after like half a bottle of fireball. He at least needs to sober up before he can drive. I stand in front of the front door, as my brother is still searching for his keys, and there is no way I'm letting him out of here right now. Brother has found his keys, and starts pulling at me and hurting me. Lucky for me, FWB had been a pretty good wrestler in highschool. He got my brother pinned down and I snatched the keys, hiding over by the sink in case I had to throw them in there. He's screaming his head off and my poor roommate comes out and asks what the hell is going on because she knows I'm very quiet and tend to keep visitors in my room. I'm like half sobbing trying to explain and the FWB, still pinning my brother, tells her that we're trying to keep him from drunk driving. My roommate does not play around with that. She was in nursing school, and had recently lost a friend to a drunk driver. I don't know how it worked, but she put on her stern nurse tone and told my brother that he was free to leave when he sobered up, or she herself would be calling the cops on him, and both me and FWB could press additional charges for assault. He reluctantly agreed to this condition and FWB let him off the floor, but sat in front of the front door just in case. When he was sobered up, he left, saying 'I hope you like mom and dad, because I'm not your family anymore'.
And that was devastating. I couldn't stop crying. My FWB went back to bed with me and laid me down in bed and let me cry until I passed out. He skipped his class that day to be there for me. I know I don't paint a good picture of my brother, but I did/do love him. I thought now that we were older that he'd mellowed out and we could be good friends like I always wanted. I mean, I made like 300 fake facebook accounts back in the day to vote for his band to be a headliner at a large concert. Just a few years prior when he was home on a break he introduced me to a TV show we binged and he let my lay on his shoulder. (I was/am very touch starved but paralyzed by fear that I'm annoying the other person, and all my friends were made later in life and are states away). When Pokemon Go came out we would take late night drives around quiet places of town while hunting pokemon together. We traded off the controller on online battlefield games and compared scores and the most ridiculous deaths. I really thought that he loved me too, finally, after years of resentment.
He didn't speak to me for 2 years. I didn't find out until later, but my parents lied for him on my behalf that he still loved me and was just annoyed, and gave me birthday/christmas presents that they told me had been from him, just that he was working. I really treasured those objects when I didn't know the truth about them. I got a really stupid mug with the first letter of my name on it in pink and zebra print (two things I don't really enjoy) but I used that thing every single day.
So, these are glimpses into my previous relationship with my brother. I don't really remember when he started speaking to me again, but I sure know he never apologized. He had finally hit rock bottom and asked my father to put in a good word for him at (insert facility with decent pay and good benefits but hard work), which he had previously rejected by telling my parents that it was a shit job. My brother's name got put closer to the top of the resumes. He got in. It wasn't easy work, or comfy sometimes, but it paid well enough to endure that, I guess. My brother used to be rather athletic.
Between the cut off point and then, my brother had worked at a (also generic job) a town or two over and hated the commute. He also happened to find a girlfriend with an apartment sort of close by. She didn't like having him over because of his dog, and almost never let him do any overnight. But now that my brother had a better paying job, she was willing to move in with him, of course. My brother bought a house in our home town and she came with it. She pays a ridiculously low amount of rent to my brother.
If she was home and brother wasn't, the dog stayed crated up because she didn't want to deal with it. Both of them worked, but her job isn't at all difficult. And yet somehow, sometimes pulling doubles, my brother ended up doing most of everything. My brother, who didn't learn to do his laundry until his 20s, ate pizza every single day, and had left used condoms on the floor of his bedroom in our parents house when he left. He did most of the cooking because she says she's bad at it. But will make pies for her mom. When the holidays came around, instead of discussing or rotating, they will always go to her family first. If my brother can come to ours at all. He often misses entire occassions (we don't go out big, but like, cmon. Hand your dad the gift card on his birthday at least, not 2 weeks later).
I also used to get to hangout or see my brother sometimes. Maybe once every few weeks, and it was fun! It was the friendship I had always dreamt of. Now I can't even get him to do anything online with me from the comfort of his own home. I don't have a single text from him this year past 1/27.
At first, we all understood. She was quirky. I was quirky. We share several similar traits and interests. I used to like that and be excited to have a family member like me, but now I dread the day she becomes family.
Let's start with the smoking car. Me and my parents were driving near his street so we could cut through to the highway, and out of nowhere, black smoke starts coming from the hood. My father tells me and my mom to get out and he'll get it to my brother's and out of the road to look at it and see what was going on. This was like.... early August. It was very hot outside. Since I've 'been in the house before' and 'know what it's like' I am 'allowed' to come into my brother's house to cool off. But GF refuses letting in either of them, referring to the messy state of the house. Which, okay, fair-- But its HER messes. My brother cleans up after her. I learned later that GF snapped at him about his family always coming over unannounced and how she has to hurry to put on a bra and everything is messy and we can't just drop in its rude! She says, as her mother and brother do the exact same thing, in a house she doesn't own. But my family let it be water under the bridge for now. My brother called me a f'in a'hole for telling my mom about the conversation. Because my mom was livid.
The next thing is my father. My dad's family has a pretty big history of strokes and heart attacks, and he's had one heart attack. My dad had been in pain all day and he finally gave up at about 3AM and woke my mom up to drive him to the hospital. I don't have a license at this point, so there's little that I can do. My mom says the surgery he probably needs isn't even done here and they're transferring him, my mom asked me to keep my brother in the loop. So I told him about this and about the time they would reach the hospital, because my mom dad gran and I share locations. I asked if he would take me up, I had a bag full of things that might make him more comfortable or less stressed. The hospital they're taking our dad to is a little over an hour away. Everyone is more or less frantic. My brother is talking to work for him, I'm making sure that for however many hours that our pets will be okay and talking to my mom's work. We drive there and nothing major happens, but it was so... Uncomfortable? Tense. The thing that's hurting my dad is a blocked or enlarged blood vessel that cuts off oxygen to the tissue around it, which, cells die, and you really need your colon, the area my dad has an issue with. The thing is, until they can do the surgery, it was like he was a ticking time bomb. My brother takes me home when visitor hours are over and I hold my dogs tight. The next day is filled with lots of pricks pokes and prods at my dad so we don't go that day. We do go the day after, Friday. My brother's GF is in the truck with him. I'm not really paying attention to much of anything because for all we know my dad could die before we got there. Brothers' GF goes to get some snacks from the long drive and the fact that she's not exactly family yet. My brother, mom and I rotate who is away in the cafe and eating with GF. I see GF and my brother whispering angrily at each other. She's tugging at his arm. I manage to pick up 'We're going to miss my mom's dinner!" And I am just stunned. Her mother has a small family dinner every single friday and makes meatloaf. His GF wanted us to head back from our critical father, because she didn't want to miss a weekly event. And I really have to hand it to my brother for not snapping right then and there. He waited until we were in his truck and out of the hospital parking lot and says "How in the f'ck do you say something to me like that? Like, for real, wtf!" GF starts crying and says its a family tradition and her mom is all she has left-- False. She has her mom, sister, and brother, at least. Her father died in a car incident that hospitalized her as a kid. So my brother snaps again like 'are you seriously telling me you value a f'ing loaf of meat over a life? we have no idea what will happen, my dad could die within the hour and i'm not there, he could die tomorrow, how long d-" And GF cuts him off wailing that her dad is dead. Which, yes, is a horrifyingly traumatic experience. But she does not get to play the 'my dad is dead' card ten years after the fact, to justify leaving our possibly dying father before visiting hours ended. She tried to emotionally blackmail my brother by apologizing to me through tears that this must be so hard for me but honestly I was doing my best to block it out, staring at pictures of dogs in hammocks. I shared my brother's sentiment.
But wait, there's more! Remember that car accident GF had years ago? You would think that, if nothing else, she would be empathetic for someone/their family in a car crash? You'd be wrong! I was rear ended at 60 mph right in front of my house after coming home from work (the ambulance took me straight back to work lmao). The physical damage to me was pretty minimal, bruises and a sprained ankle because my foot was pressed on the brake, waiting for an opportunity to cross into the driveway. This was late October 2020. Covid regulations were pretty strict. So I was alone in a room for a while and in pain. My parents had followed the ambulance. My dad had actually heard the crash and went 'huh she usually comes home now' and runs over after seeing the wreckage. My parents had the crash footage, grainy, but there thanks to the cameras set up outside our house. I hadn't realized it by that point but I had a pretty good concussion, and I was hurt, and scared. I was texting my mom constantly but my dad had left his phone at home in the rush to get my mom and she hadn't charged her phone, they'd been in the parking lot for like an hour and a half already. They promised me they'd be back soon, they'll just pop in and let my brother know since he lives nearby. My parents didn't even ask to like, stay and sit with them instead of a cold car. My mom asked to pee and to borrow a charging cable (they had one, GF has the same model phone) given the, you know, situation. My brother barely cracked the door to speak with them. He said no, because GF was uncomfortable, because they were waiting for their second negative test to come in. Read that again. They had tested negative. It's not like my mom would go near anyone to the bathroom either-- The back door that's used more often is literally inches away from the bathroom door. My brother didn't even try to argue with his GF about his own home and some empathy for someone else dealing with a car crash. It absolutely disgusted my parents. And later on brother told me he got another earful about our parents just dropping in without notice and its like? Excuse me? Its his house!
Unfortunately, a tire popped on my parents' car when we were nearby. It was like, 3 years since the first issue with the car. I went inside and asked my brother to let my mom in because its raining. GF did not like that, and didn't realize I could overhear her down the hall, arguing with my brother and his family again. I went over the next day to my brother and he was actively cleaning up GF's mess so it wouldn't be as 'embarassing' for her. I sat him down and talked to him as realistically as I could. I have depression, anxiety, emotional abuse trauma, agorophobia, and very few friends. But I'm okay. He started very quietly expressing his frustration towards GF. She doesn't do much around the house or contribute financially, lets her family over but not his, him doing most of the cooking despite regularly pulling 12s. I sat there calmly, because of course I knew this. This is what makes the situation somewhat even more sticky. I asked my brother, "Do you actually love someone like that? Or are you afraid to be alone?" He's been in one relationship or another for most of my life. Lately he had been confiding in me about how bad his mental health was falling and I was like 'that's not a slump, that's. that's depression.' So when I asked my brother the question, he hesitated. That spoke loudly enough in my opinion. But then I also saw my brother's face crumpling as he admitted he just didn't want to be alone. GF wants babies but my brother knows with her medical history and condition on top of being so lazy and bluntly told me she would not be a good mother and hopes to God that day doesn't come. He is so unhappy being with her. We both heard the rustling of a comforter and my brother lowered his panicky voice and asked me to leave so she doesn't see me here. That is incredibly messed up, especially since its his name on the house. I haven't seen my brother at his house since then, and that was over 2 years ago.
During COVID, GF started working from home, and it stayed that way. My brother still takes care of most things.
In the mean time, he's proposed to her. Yeah. I managed to save things when all our faces dropped at the Christmas dinner he announced their engagement at. My brother calls her by a nickname that was also the name of a beloved family dog that had passed away only one month ago. My dad and my reactions at that time were genuine confusion and sadness about him bringing up our passed pet. Everything was pretty quiet after that. When we got home, I texted my brother and told him that hearing our dog's name in conversation after losing her so recently shattered us, be we were, in fact, happy for his engagement.
I lied.
None of us want him to marry her. I dread the day that I get a wedding invitation or GF shows up pregnant. She would be a terrible mother. My brother is aware of the fact that my parents think she's a rude, inconsiderate brat that only thinks of herself, from that earlier conversation that I talked to my parents about. My mom snapped that they don't have to like her, all they were required to do was be civil, and we are, so shut up.
At larger family functions GF tends to gravitate around me. Like I said, we have similar interests and personalities. And I have never told her to get lost or had it in me to upfront tell her we don't like her. I am absolutely horrible at confrontation, but my patience is wearing thin.
Last year my parents set up brunch for Mother's Day. We were at the table when my brother called and said they were going to urgent care because GF had another one of her migraines that make her vomit. Which, she takes medicine and has injectable solutions. Some situation always comes up with her right before my brother would come to us.
My parents tried again with the Mother's Day brunch last week. On the day of, he said that he was too tired to come, can we try next week? Please insert the eyeroll of the century.
Because of our clear dislike, my brother doesn't often bring his GF around anymore on the offchance she lets him. It occurred to me that my parents planned the same brunch as last year, and I was dreading my question. "Is GF coming with us for brunch?" They don't know. All my brother did was confirm the time and place. The thought of having to deal with her in the morning and pretend that I don't see her for what she is, is already exhausting me. I can barely get my brother to even play online with me. I feel like this has been festering long enough that at some point, its all going to overflow at once. But I am absolutely disgusted by how she takes advantage of my brother's fear of being alone and how the world revolves around her.
I had a dream the other day, actually, it was a good dream. I was at their wedding, and the priest guy said the standard 'speak now or hold your peace' and I stood up and loudly shouted OBJECTION! Every single person in the room turned to look at me, one because I don't raise my voice like that, two my patience is vast, and three, to upset me to this level of shouldering my anxiety by making a spectacle of myself. I then explained every detail, especially how much she was charged for rent, that my brother admitted he wasn't happy, and I wanted better for him than to just be an ATM maid.
If I bring this up to my brother again, I may lose him forever. But if I don't, he may be miserable together. And on the third side-- Do I actually really want my brothers' friendship at this point? Like, I'm definitely fed up dealing with his GF like she is. Plus, I pointed out and reiterated to him before that he admitted he wasn't happy.
I am very, very quiet by default. Never got into much trouble. I was and still am a gentle soul at my core being. If things get to a point where I cross lines of polite manners and call someone out on their bs, people around know that someone did something almost unforgivable. I'm wondering if my brother would know that.
TLDR; Brother's fiancee is disliked for good reason. My brother has isolated. I miss him, but also never want to see him again. I want to remind him that this marriage isn't a good idea, but I don't want to antagonize him.

Hi all! My pediatrician previously prescribed ADHD meds (adderall, vyvanse) but I aged out. I have documented adhd via neuropsych and testing. I’m having a hard time finding an adult provider that accepts insurance and will prescribe to an adult. Any recs for NPs or psychiatrists in CT that specialize in adhd? TIA!!

Me (31F) and my fiancé (34M) been together for 6 years. When we met, we were broke 20-somethings working service industry jobs and probably having TOO much fun, but having fun. Neither of us was looking for a relationship but we fell in love. We now have decent jobs, a car we use for adventures together all the time, really love each other, and are generally supportive of one another. We’ve been engaged for a year and I have taken no steps to plan a wedding (which feels relevant…lol).
A few years ago my drinking got really bad. I’ve spent the last few years trying to get and stay sober- I’ll go 6, 7, 9 months going to AA meetings and not drinking then fall off the wagon for a week or two. Those 2 weeks are really bad. I’ve spent years feeling like everything wrong in our relationship is because of this. I feel so guilty and have regarded him as a saint. I’ve felt like he stays even though he’s seen the worst of me, because he is my safe place and because he loves me.
He told me last week that for two and a half years, he hid a drug addiction from me. He stopped late last year after a particularly bad argument between me, one of our friends, and him. He doesn’t usually fight with his friends that I’ve ever seen, so it was definitely jarring at the time, and pretty embarrassing. That fight made him look in the mirror at himself, he said. What bothers me is- he isn’t acknowledging that logic would follow he’s been that way to me plenty of times in the past, only there wasn’t a third party there to observe. Being an asshole to his good friend was enough to stop, but being an asshole to me was not.
I obviously understand addiction. But what upsets me is that during those years, he let me feel like everything wrong in our relationship was because of my drinking. That he stayed with me out of love and patience and the goodness of his heart. Now I can’t help but feel like part of it was because his addiction(s) didn’t seem so bad compared to mine. I don’t drink often but when I do I get really out of control – so as long as it doesn’t look like that, the drugs can’t be that bad.
Whenever I would react badly to something, he’d act like it was because I just “didn’t understand him” or because I was being unreasonable and asking too much. When we went on our first vacation together and it wasn’t the trip I was hoping for, for example. He would wake up in the mornings just furious I wanted to be up early so we could go out exploring. He stayed up all night one night by himself and slept through most of the next day, including during a particularly awesome drive (I was driving, I drove that whole trip). So there were plenty of moments I spent alone, and I started thinking, man, is this what vacation is going to be like for the rest of my life? He has been better since then, but now I realize it’s because he’s not on drugs anymore. When he could sense I was disappointed after that trip, he acted like I was breaking his heart for ruining the memory of it (he’s often used the phrase “breaks my heart” to describe the way my reactions make him feel).
I’ve been trying to get better about money the last year or two, and I kept wondering why he makes ~15k more than me a year but it always seemed like he had no money. One time I even asked “where does the money go, are you on drugs or something?” But he said I asked it in a hypothetical way so he wasn’t technically lying. Or sometimes I’d get upset or annoyed because he is messy, but instead of actually cleaning he would “shuffle things around” (his phrase). Like, I was prescribed Adderall in college, I know what it feels like to stay up all night rearranging furniture! But he was always able to turn it around on me, that he was just trying to help and I, basically, was just being a bitch. He always has the ~best of intentions~…
This is not the first time a boyfriend has used drugs in secret, unfortunately. And that part is forcing me to take a look at myself. Like am I just weak for allowing men to talk me out of my suspicions? I also have always kind of felt like, ok, we might not be 100% compatible about every single thing, but he is my safe place and we love each other and he loves me despite my flaws. I’m just can’t help seeing the whole situation a little differently now.
He regrets telling me because he didn’t think it would be such a huge deal, since he stopped using on his own last year. But I’m really hurt that he would let me take on all that guilt, all the time, that he was doing his best and I was hurting him by drinking. I know I WAS really hurting him, but he’s not as.. like.. virtuous as he let me believe. He says he didn’t lie to me because I never asked him outright, which I think is a bullshit thing to say. Just feels like he’s making excuses. When I tell him it feels like he is not taking ownership but instead turning thing around on me, he says he is trying to “meet in the middle.” So his idea of meeting in the middle is pointing his finger back at me, I guess. Like because I have struggled with drinking (spent all but 6 weeks of the last 2.5 years sober, btw), I don’t have the right to be upset about any of this.
When we finally talked last night, it devolved into an argument. All I want is for him to hug me and apologize and acknowledge how hurt I am. But that’s not what I’m getting. When I said “I was so lonely during a lot of that time,” his response was that he was ALSO lonely. Not an apology.
He's just not the saint I thought he was. Which is fine! I don’t need or want a saint. But he is not taking enough ownership of his actions. And for years he let me carry around the weight of feeling like the only one fucking up our relationship. We talked about my drinking in therapy SO MUCH. But like.. just because an addiction is quiet, doesn’t mean it’s not affecting the relationship. Again, it’s not even really the drugs. It’s the way he’s acted so virtuous for years, and the way he’s not giving me the apology I feel I deserve right now. That’s what I’m mad about. I’m at the age where some of my peers are already starting to get divorced. Some of whom I would’ve never guessed wouldn’t work out. So I’m just not feeling very confident about any of it right now.

TL;DR – fiancé hid a secret drug addiction for years. I struggle with addiction as well, but my struggles have always been out in the open. For two years he let me feel like my actions were the only thing holding our relationship back. He quit on his own 6 months ago. I am feeling both blindsided by the news and also validated, because over the years I have had some suspicions. Am I being reasonable? How do I convey how deeply important it is to me that he takes ownership of this?

here's the demographic and other info the rules ask for (my previous post was removed for leaving this stuff out):
age: 22 sex assigned at birth: female height: about 5'2 weight: about 130 medications: adderall, abilify, tranexamic acid (bc I'm currently menstruating and it won't stop...that's a separate issue lol), ferrous sulfate (bc I'm anemic bc of the nonstop menstruating). and I take b12 (bc im vegetarian) and fiber supplements (bc ferrous sulfate/iron tablets can cause constipation). and i just started vitamin c supplements to help with iron absorption..more on that below. smoking status: I don't smoke
so I have what seem to be mild allergic reactions when I eat fruit/drink fruity things. it's been this way for awhile and my mom has the same thing, only worse, and her dad also seemed to have had the same thing. the reaction seems to only be my throat getting sore.
fruits I have reactions to from what I know of and from what I eat: pineapple, oranges, tangerines, etc., limes, lemons, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, cranberries, (any berry really), cherries. there's probably more but I don't eat enough to really know for sure. watermelon doesn't seem to give me that reaction.
the reason why I ask today is the last two days I've been taking vitamin c supplement gummies in the morning like i mentioned in the info above, and my throat HURTS. I only had a few sips of my "apple burst" gatorade today so I don't think that would make my throat hurt this much. I've also been eating a lot of "doritos dinamita chile limon rolled flavored tortilla chips" (bc its my safe food right now) and also getting what seems to be acid reflux maybe? after I eat them.
idk im just confused and tired of this because I REALLY love fruit. I wish I could eat it everyday but it hurts and I dont want to make it worse.
does anyone know what's going on?

Dutch Test
Female 27 aprox 125lbs 5'2, Medications: 15mg adderall, conditions: Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility type, PCOS, POTs, and Craniocervical Instability
I have been struggling with my PCOS for the past 3 years. My PCOS symptoms include polycystic ovaries, hair loss, Acne (face and body), weight gain, a little more than normal body hair, rapid body hair growth, brain fog, fatigue, and severe depression. Might be worth it to mention that I had none of these symptoms, apart from depression, before 3 years ago, I never even got a single zit before the age of 21. I had a progesterone IUD from 20-25 if that helps. I have been treated with Spironolactone in the past. It was honestly life changing. My depression vanished, I lost 30lbs in 2 months, and all of my symptoms either went away or got significantly better. Only down side was that I was constantly bleeding on Spironolactone, nothing too major but I need a panty liner everyday.
After 3 months on 100mg of Spironolactone, I noticed my fatigue started coming back and my mood started getting a little worse. My dose was increased to 200mg and immediately felt better.
Another 3 months and the same thing started. They tested my free testosterone and it had literally doubled while taking it.
Cut to January of this year, my doctor wants to discontinue the Spironolactone because of the chronic bleeding. She wants to use this opportunity to get a clearer picture of my hormones and their metabolites. So I wait an excruciating 4 months and take the Dutch hormone test. I am a little confused by my results.
My 5a-Reductase Activity is pretty low, but all research I've looked into shows that it is usually high in PCOS patients. My DHEA-S is actually on the low end and my testosterone is high. I'm having trouble interpreting these results. I'm wondering if this is an expected result for someone with PCOS and hyperandrogenism. Should I be asking my doctors to look into anything else? Does anything here explain why my Spironolactone would stop working/not lower my testosterone? Dutch Test

I’m 16 and I have noticed some more impairments in my episodic memory recently, I have had significant difficulties in remembering my day to day life and events since I had been hospitalised for my asthma (blood oxygen of 52% for about an hour) and after prolonged substance use (marijuana, alcohol, nicotine for 5+ months), I did find a few studies that suggested prolonged use of amphetamine based medications in children with ADHD could possibly cause a reduction in volume of certain subregions of the hippocampus (namely, the left Cornu Ammonis 1 and left strata radiatum/lacunosum/moleculare sub regions) but said study didn’t have enough data to fully support that notion, and the participants were aged between 6 and 12 years, it also noted there were no significant effects on cortical thickness or surface area, it was also noted that further research was needed to determine if the volumetric decreases are directly associated with impairments in episodic and long term memory function, another study puts into question the effects of amphetamines on episodic memory retrieval, I have also seen it proposed that in long term use, resulting neurotoxicity can inhibit neurogenesis in the hippocampus, but to add; this is not me wanting to get off of Adderall XR (I was recently increased to 20 mg), I just want to properly voice my concerns and seek answers, I’m very worried my memory will stay this bad or get worse, I can genuinely not remember more than yesterday without being reminded and it is a living nightmare, my memory was getting almost as good as it had been previously but then I was put under general anaesthesia and I was thrown back to square one

I want to share a story of my life since I don't know how prevalent this is, who else has gone through similar things and whether i'm in a similar boat to anyone else.
Ever since I was young, as early as 5 or 6, i've always been using a computer. Back then I used to bide my time on flash games and watching pirated movies. My parents were not cautious with me on the internet, possibly due to that time being before we knew of any of the consequences of "iPad children" or even just the dark side of the internet being a rather niche thing to know about for the average person at the time.
At the time of this PC usage I also had every sony console and used to spend most of my day before and after school in front of a screen, playing san andreas, watching tv shows, cartoon network, nickolodean, there is very little of my childhood that wasn't spent in front of a screen of some kind.
Years pass and I am now 8 years old, I encounter sexual imagery and feel a curiosity towards it. Over time I constantly look to these images and videos, not pleasuring myself but simply watching out of curiosity. There does come a day sometime during this period where I gradually increase the intensity of what i'm watching, I'm not even joking here when I say watching cartoon p\*rn and playing cartoon p\*rn games was something I did regularly, eventually curiosity grew to lust, I had soon realised that I could pleasure myself during those viewings of content.
During all of this I had homework to do, eventually there would be exams to study for, things I had to do for my life which I would unsurprisingly neglect to do. I would neglect all my homework for games or anime or just TV. I wouldn't study due to my constant internal desire to look at a screen, it was like a heroin addiction towards a screen.
My parents would often tell me to study and do whatever homework I had, I would do my homework sometimes and other times completely neglect it, when you're in elementary/primary school it doesn't seem to matter too much as long as you did enough work in school.
Things get worse as I enter secondary school (Ages 11 to 16), in the beginning I would do my homework more often than not, and I paid attention in class, not being too distruptive or talking to others around me. But as time passed i became more neglectful of homework and extracurricular things, wanting to spend my time gaming with my friends online on my PC instead.
I regularly got detentions due to my laziness in doing my homework and I procrastinated everything to do with school. I woke up, went to school, maybe occasionally did stuff with friends then went home to game till midnight or later, repeating this cycle for 5 years of my life. Somehow I paid attention enough in class and got lucky enough to pass the big final exams at the end of secondary school.
The next stage of education, in college (UK Ages 16-18) were particularly bad, these are probably the worst years of my life so far. I had moved away from where I grew up, went to a different school in a new environment with new people, still addicted to my PC and I hated school. The subjects got harder to a point where you can no longer just pay attention to pass, I hated studying and spent all my time outside school on a PC, watching anime, gaming, sexual content etc.
I felt like a real degenerate, drifting through life without a purpose, borderline suicidal, I was failing my classes and had a horrible teacher that would often mortify me in front of the whole class due to my lack of ability. But then all of a sudden a blessing in the form of pestilence hit the world and I had a reason to not go to school anymore, COVID-19. COVID caused schools to shut down and the UK to go into lockdown where I could now freely spend all my time gaming, wasting time and just being lazy in general.
Months pass and life is uneventful, I make a decision to myself to resit a year hoping to change and work harder, to study harder, to move forward in life. But real life isn't a movie, the redemption arc of the real world is in most cases a tragedy, as is the case with me where my short-lived aspirations were quickly shot down by the fact that changing is not such an easy thing to achieve.
I struggled to even get started on studying, the virtual world had a grasp on me that I couldn't shake off, when I all of a sudden thought I wanted to study or do something productive, my body forced me back to wasting time like a curse. I thought I might ADHD and started doing some research into things like adderall and ritalin.
I aimed to obtain those things through the dark web, but I had no money as a broke student living in my parent's house. I instead looked to things like nootropics such as aniracetam, turmeric, piracetam, real questionable things. Regardless, during this time period it escalated to a point where I started doing drugs, I took edibles, I bought LSD thinking it might give me the life altering perspective or epiphany to change my life completely.
I almost died doing some shady xanax i bought and was sent to the hospital, worrying my whole family which made me feel a horrific shame internally, it really made me want to either commit suicide or change my life, and the easier one was more tempting.
After this I went through a whole year of trying various drugs, not studying, fucking around and whatnot, It would take me a whole year to decide enough is enough and quit all drugs.
I will skip a lot here but time passes, I get through school, There's exams which I don't study for because I can't, my body forces me away from it. Even though I decided to resit that year, I still fuck up the year because I can't study. My predicted grades were high however, which allowed me to enter a university on an unconditional offer, I got in without much effort studying something which I could give less of a shit about, that being Law.
My life is a mess, I need an overhaul while i'm still young, before I grow old unable to have even achieved anything. To this day, I still can't do any form of work without something compelling me towards a time waster.
I would like advice from anyone, I left a lot out of this story due to the length so if you have any questions let me know.
Thank you for reading all that I have written.

Dutch Test
Female 27 aprox 125lbs 5'2, Medications: 15mg adderall, 1.5mg naltrexone (for pain), conditions: Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility type, PCOS, POTs, and Craniocervical Instability
I have been struggling with my PCOS for the past 3 years. My PCOS symptoms include polycystic ovaries, hair loss, Acne (face and body), weight gain, a little more than normal body hair, rapid body hair growth, brain fog, fatigue, and severe depression. Might be worth it to mention that I had none of these symptoms, apart from depression, before 3 years ago, I never even got a single zit before the age of 21. I had a progesterone IUD from 20-25 if that helps. I have been treated with Spironolactone in the past. It was honestly life changing. My depression vanished, I lost 30lbs in 2 months, and all of my symptoms either went away or got significantly better. Only down side was that I was constantly bleeding on Spironolactone, nothing too major but I need a panty liner everyday.
After 3 months on 100mg of Spironolactone, I noticed my fatigue started coming back and my mood started getting a little worse. My dose was increased to 200mg and immediately felt better.
Another 3 months and the same thing started. They tested my free testosterone and it had literally doubled while taking it.
Cut to January of this year, my doctor wants to discontinue the Spironolactone because of the chronic bleeding. She wants to use this opportunity to get a clearer picture of my hormones and their metabolites. So I wait an excruciating 4 months and take the Dutch hormone test. I am a little confused by my results.
My 5a-Reductase Activity is pretty low, but all research I've looked into shows that it is usually high in PCOS patients. My DHEA-S is actually on the low end and my testosterone is high. I'm having trouble interpreting these results. I'm wondering if this is an expected result for someone with PCOS and hyperandrogenism. Should I be asking my doctors to look into anything else? Does anything here explain why my Spironolactone would stop working/not lower my testosterone? Dutch Test

How do I fix this?? I’m currently 26 and 93 lbs at 5’3. This is not normal for me at all!! For the past few years my weight hovered around 103-108 and my heaviest and healthiest looking I’ve been (imo) was at 113 when I was 21, but that may have been the result of binge drinking. I’ve always been thin and my weight tends to fluctuate, but not like this. And I’m super unhappy about it.
I never intended to lose the weight it just kind of happened. I moved to a new city, got a new job, and cut off my toxic relationships. Then in the last year I’ve had dental problems and it made it harder to eat. I was also depressed and lonely because I had no friends. Now that’s fixed, I was already underweight at around 100 until recently my dr put me on adderall to treat my adhd which she claimed was “severe” lol. So I’m an adderall and Wellbutrin girly now and I’m much happier in general and better at managing myself and my life but I’ve always sucked at feeding myself and adderall hasn’t made it any better. Additionally, somewhere between the ages of 24 and 25 my hips got bigger so my pants size went up& I didn’t realize I had lost so much until I was recently weighed at the doctor’s (I don’t own a scale because I see no reason to) plus now with the additional weight loss I’m constantly hitting my hips with my elbows or my hips catch on door knobs and table edges and I bruise!! It’s not cute!! At all!!
(this part may be kinda problematic I’m sorry) When I was younger I would look at pictures of Ariana Grande and see her ribs through her upper chest and feel like “I may be thin but I’d never let myself get THAT thin”… and now years later I am that thin. Guess I got my karma! I feel gross when I get undressed and see my ribs showing through my chest in the mirror. I’m also afraid to lose or ruin my tits, which I love. Seriously. The thought of losing them makes me want to break down and cry! I’m sure that’s the look for some people but I don’t like it on me. I’m trying to embrace my new look but it just looks unhealthy. Now I’m seeing videos by YouTubers pointing out celebrities and influencers with unhealthy bodies, and they look just like mine and I think ughhjjhj… that’s probably how they feel when they look at me. I don’t want people to be concerned.
Summer is coming and it’s the first I’ve ever been scared to wear a bikini. I keep looking into weight gain focused content and it’s all about counting calories and these influencers are spending hundreds of dollars on organic groceries and protein powders and green juice, I just look at all the food they eat in a day and I think that’s far too much money. I’m kinda broke… I buy my groceries at dollar tree lmao.
Additionally, the thought of counting calories stresses me tf out. Just the thought of struggling to fit 2000 or whatever calories into my day is extremely overwhelming. When I get stressed I don’t eat, it’s a vicious cycle. At this point I don’t eat until mid afternoon because I just have so much going on with my day and I’m so busy and stressed until I get things done that eating is too much for me.
Wtf do I do??!! Summer is in a month, I wanna sip martinis and look hot in a bikini!! I’d ideally like to get back to my healthy weight of around 115 but I will literally just accept not having to see my ribs through my chest anymore. I want to look like Sabrina Carpenter, not Ariana Grande. I’m really sorry if that’s problematic to say. I just think Sabrina looks so lovely no matter what she wears and I really wish I had her legs. My skinny legs are a huge insecurity for me, she’s around my height and imo hers are perfect. Right now it’s giving yes, and and I want to be giving that me espresso. That’s my ideal goal. I might even buy myself some capezio tights.
I know I joke tbh this is just how I cope this is actually very serious to me and is making be feel very depressed and insecure. 🙃🙃This has really been an urgent issue for me. I’m pissed at my body for doing this to me. I thought I was supposed to get thicker and more ‘womanly’ after 25, wtf is this. I want a refund. I truly thought it would be easier to gain weight but that’s proving to be a problem so far. I’m deeply self conscious right now. Please be kind.

Throwaway account.
I’m in a relationship that I don’t know if I can save, or if I’m even capable of saving. My (M,30) partner (F,40) and I met 3 or 4 years ago working at the same location, and began dating 2 years ago. We clicked immediately. We’ve had many ups and downs, but some really high highs, and really low lows. I love this woman so so much, and she’s very smart, caring and compassionate. She’s been a wonderful partner to me and has supported me. We’ve had our consistent struggles along the way pertaining to communication, in which I know I’m not very good at. We’ve known that there is an age gap between us, and that shouldn’t technically matter, but people do grow and learn and change and evolve, and that life experience really makes a difference in understanding the world. We are currently at a crossroads. The relationship is on the verge of ending. There is lots of arguing, lots of crying and lots of therapy. The biggest killers for us have been pertaining to communication on my end, which I am severely struggling to understand. My partner has told me time and time again that I am passive aggressive, and won’t think much before I speak. She says I don’t know how to be supportive and I take things incredibly literally. I don’t take initiative and I’m a passive and timid person. It’s hard for me to understand when someone is needing something unless they tell me point blank to my face. I’ve missed countless cues and opportunities to be supportive and step in because I thought that if she needed something, she would just straight up tell me. I feel like I’m crossing boundaries if someone tells me something and expects something else. She’s even explained to me in a general sense how to “be there” but with each situation being so different, I can’t just apply that information in the same way every time in my head so I freeze up and try to just work in the moment. I also forget lots of small details and will forget lots of things in schedules and around the house that lead to frustrations. I’ll cut her off without realizing it and I’ll say things that can be taken as passive without realizing I’m doing it and it’s pushed her to a breaking point. And when things get so heatedI have tried working on it, journaling, therapy, being present, active listening techniques, everything I can think of. It didn’t work. Things never changed even though I was putting in effort. She feels defeated and I feel useless. As this has grown over the years, I discussed these things with my therapist and tried to understand why I could be coming across that way, because In my head my intentions are always good but I know that actions speak louder than words. We’ve gone through speech and childhood upbringing to see if there are any underlying reasons or causes. Then something hit me, and I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t consider it before. I’ve had Tourette’s Syndrome (diagnosed at 5) and have always had a nagging thought in the back of my head that I was on the autism spectrum, but it never REALLY crossed my mind until recently when I started reading about how people with ADHD or autism struggle in long-term relationships, and the specific dynamics that come with them. “if your partner has ADD, you may feel ignored and lonely. Your partner can focus on things that interest them, but not on you. They never seem to follow through on what they agree to do. They may seem to act like a child instead of an adult. You nag them, and you’ve started to dislike the person you’ve become. The two of you either fight or clam up. Worst of all, you are stressed about being saddled with the household responsibilities while your partner gets to have all the fun. If you have ADHD, you may feel your partner has become a nagging monster. The person you loved has become a control freak, trying to manage the details of your life. No matter how hard you try, you can’t meet your partner’s expectations. The easiest way to deal with them is to leave them alone.” - ADDitude Mag
This whole time I had been trying to adjust things about my communication and thinking when in reality, I’m coming to find out that I’m not sure that it’s possible for me without help. And I feel so stupid. Went and got tested with my therapist (a 22 year practicing APRN) and sure enough, “Yeah it’s pretty clear you have ADHD”. I also, YOU GUESSED IT, might be on the spectrum, she says. Doing further testing currently. This is a jarring and honestly, a kind of traumatizing realization for me to have at 30. So I was prescribed low doses of Adderall to combat the forgetfulness and communication and it seems to be working. I feel focused, my emotions are regulated, I take more initiative, the loudness in my brain is quiet now, but I’m 24 hours into the new medication and things are so bad in the relationship that my partner has lost all trust in my ability to change and my ability to take initiative, take action and lead with my words without being passive aggressive or direct. It’s at the spot where she’s so angry about it all that It feels like even if I make a lot of progress, any slip-up I make leads to an argument and a blow-up. She voiced anger that I didn’t look into ADHD sooner. I agree. I truly feel like a fuck-up. I feel like I’ve hurt her for 2 years straight and didn’t even fully understand how I was doing it. But at the same time, I also feel like she doesn’t and can’t understand that my brain has a lot of trouble grasping these concepts, and it’s not just a yes/no switch for me to do. I sincerely struggle with comprehension in intimate settings and I want to be better at it so bad. I’m not choosing to be passive aggressive or not supportive or not take action, I just truly don’t understand how to do that. I looked back at my past relationships and saw similarities at why they ended. I’m ashamed. -I’m ashamed for going this long without knowing about my condition. I’m almost 30. -I feel guilty for letting my relationship get bad even though I thought I was trying my hardest to be better. -I’m embarrassed to be in a spot where I also now have to deal with the emotions that come with knowing my brain works differently than other people’s. I feel like an idiot overall now and my view of myself has changed. -I feel regret for my past relationships and how heartbreak could’ve been averted if I had just looked into this sooner. At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to be a good person and partner and take criticism with stride and work hard on bettering myself, but I’ve ended up in a spot where past relationships & current ones likely hate me because of my inability to understand communication on an intimate level.
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I want to preface that I don’t mean to sound selfish talking about myself like this. I know that it may even come across pity-party ish, because I know that my partner is the one hurting the most, but I don’t know what else to do and I’m struggling so bad and need some direction. I’m putting this here because I feel like I have no one to talk to about the situation from an outside perspective and I’m feeling physically sick to my stomach every day because of everything and I feel like I’m going to break down. I love this person so much and don’t want things to end, but I’m worried it’s too far gone to save, and pushing onward is just going to hurt us both deeper and deeper with every passing day. I’ve set up couple’s counseling and I’m truly hoping she gives me some time to adjust to medication to see if things make a shift for the better, but things are looking bleak.
We are pursuing couple's counseling and individual counseling.
I am pursuing active treatment and study into my condition.
Is there anything else I can be doing? TL;DR : Partner and I have struggled bad with communication for 2 years. She’s been justifiably angry that I’m not trying to learn or take action and fix the issues, and that things never change. Turns out I’ve had ADHD and possible autism the whole time and just legitimately don’t know how to understand cues and communication on an intimate level. On Adderall, things seem to be improving. Relationship may be fucked because of how long it look me to understand. I don't know what to do.

21F
Weight: Unsure, within 150-160 range.
Height: approx. 69in.
Medications: Adderall XR 30mg
Past medical history/context: - Childhood diagnosis of chronic UTI’s (ages 4-10, tapered off but restarted around 15, stopped for a final time at 18. Have not had issues since) -suspected endo, was never diagnosed. My mother was diagnosed with it when she was young and it only corrected itself after her first childbirth. -History of irregular, very heavy and painful periods that have gotten worse over time. -premature labor at 36w gestation due to ICP, emergency c-section with mild complications (uterine atony and mild blood loss). -painful ovulation with severe stabbing pains only ever on right lower abdominal cavity (right iliac fossa)
I’ve been struggling with very intense periods since the very first one I had. They usually vary in length, some have been up to 2 weeks long with consistent heavy bleeding and severe cramping (no clotting), others will be as short as 5 days with the same intensity of symptoms. I have had painful ovulation for just as long. I get a very sharp pulling sensation only on my right ovary consistently, which sometimes rivals my menstrual cramps in terms of pain level and frequency. It’s common for me to be unable to walk or fully stand/sit up due to the severity of these issues. Applying pressure to affected location on right side or stretching causes pain to increase. Episodes of these symptoms occur often throughout my whole menstrual cycle- but is more severe during ovulation and menstruation.
I’ve tried just about everything that doctors and friends have recommended over the years to help with the pain but nothing usually works. To be quite honest, I’ve been quite neglectful with seeking care for this issue. I get yearly checkups with a gynecologist every year and have since I was 11. The first gyno I had brushed most of these concerns off, even when my mother stepped in to advocate for me. She wrote me a script for 800mg of ibuprofen, Xulane patches, and then told me it should get better with age and that we could revisit the conversation after my body adjusted to the birth control. It never did and I eventually changed providers, but the next one also told me roundabout the same thing. I never pushed it further and prayed that it would get better like I was told. I got pregnant, had my son and hoped that this would cause the pain and symptoms to clear up, but my periods/ovulation just became even more irregular and painful as time went on. I’m now almost 21 months post c-section and finally taking the leap to see a specialist to get this addressed and be given the medical care I need.
Point is, can a physician weigh in and share some insight on a similar experience they have or any thoughts/hypothesis, etc.? Any specific recommended tests, scans, blood work, etc. I maybe should bring up with my new gyno? Any input is appreciated.

Around two months ago, I started to notice these red and purple marks on my inner thighs, near the groin. I can't tell if they're stretch marks or an infection. I'm a minor, so I can't show photos, but what do you guys think it is? I asked this before but it got removed for not adding info, so...
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Weight: 212 lbs, last I checked
Height: 6'1
Medications: Adderall (Vyvanse), Prozac (Fluoxetine)
Non-smoker, non-drinker

The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
Update: I think I only get one update and I’m not very good with this stuff but I need mediators. Received text from mom to wife and I that is a random article about the name of our son and how she thinks it is a good name.
Wife: MIL your behavior is beyond pathetic. Here you have a son who is begging you my entire pregnancy to have a relationship with us. You can’t seem to be bothered to even give me a half assed text of “I’m sorry for what happened in TN”. Now you send pictures that aren’t even sent to you to begin with and this article? You have a grandson and you couldn’t even bother to reach out for the past what? 9 months? And now you’re sending us random articles? Why on earth would you think this is acceptable? It’s upsetting that you can’t seem to get your fucking shit together You literally have a son begging you to reach out. Now that we have a son I think of if my ego would ever get in the way of having a relationship with him and his partner. And I just think it’s so god damn pathetic that you couldn’t give two shits about him or anyone else like your own grandson. Stop sending us pictures that are not meant for you. Stop sending us articles. You want a relationship with SON? You want a relationship with me? With your grandson? You want to meet him one day? Then give the half assed text message and get over yourself. You were nasty in TN and you cannot seem to grasp that this is what is needed to move forward.
mom: I thought the article was nice. Sorry DIL, I was in Phoenix after 12 hour days it was a whirlwind and saw this article upon return and thought it sweet. Also… Sorry I sent a picture SON didn’t share that I thought was adorable. What in the heck is the matter with doing that? Serious? I promise it will never happen again. I am sorry for the horrible altercation in Tennessee. I hate that it has caused so much horrible lack of a relationship. I am staying away because you and he constantly make ME the villain. You both had your own HUGE part yelling! I didn’t even start it! It is not fun or fair and neither have accepted any accountability for yelling or screaming at me at all. I did however.it just wasnt good enough. It’s not my responsibility for the continued anger you both hold because you wouldnt accept my apology. No one acknowledged their own bad , unacceptable behavior. I meant it -to help make amends- esp the :2nd time since you turned abruptly away from me the first apology and I told you “ I meant it” at the airport (the third.). There were such horrible made up and unwarranted allegations made up against me that any sane person’s jaw would just drop . It makes me scared to see what will be thought up the next time the ire and victimhood sets in over there. I’m exhausted either way with it all. It’s time to move on and forgive. I know you probably don’t really care and could never allow yourself to see it this way , but I feel I was yelled at just as hard and just as loud and also first!!! This “abuse” went two ways …but I was made the horrible one. I’m the only one that even tried to make up. No one else bears any accountability and needs to. I am tired of being lam blasted. For example….A simple article and I get yelled at again. Terrible… I should not have sent this and SON has said the most horrible things about me…. You blocked me as a contact remember? So why would I call? To get more abuse!? More fabrications? More demands. I don’t accept all the allegations…. I am sorry…. It’s your prerogative to think how you’d like however. I could say crazy shit like that , but I do not and never will. I can move beyond this but it is crazy to keep demanding I apologize more to your liking when no one has ever apologized to me for yelling and acting just as angry. It’s not my fault my attempt of apologizing was not accepted. I will not be manipulated. If you want to blame me ( a pattern) i can’t take it anymore. It is exhausting. That is not even an attempt at two way communication and problem solving . Just dictating. I’m to old for all this craziness and blaming all the time. SON.. if you want to ride this train and hate me… shame on you. Your behavior likewise is pathetic either way the horrible things you said YOU need accountability also. I am really sorry I bugged you with that article. I will never do anything right it seems.
:::AT THIS POINT I ATTACH THIS POST TO TEXT CHAIN::: I don’t think she read it but responses are as follows
Wife: Playing the victim is not going to get you anywhere. You are not a victim and what you are experiencing is not abuse. It’s people standing up to you for once and you don’t like it. In TN you demanded I get into SONS fathers car and when I refused you said to me “I paid for that car, you can fucking Uber”. MIL you started this whole thing. You’ve been a rude person for a long time now. People who commented on that post are pretty spot on…and why is it that I hear you still bring up Jackson Hole? You understand you tried to steamroll your way? I paid what like $7k for that trip and all of the sudden you wanted to make it a family trip??? Wtf was that? Stop bringing up this stupidity it’s absurd you’d even want to come on our 1 year anniversary trip. “Oh you ruined our last family vacation” IT WAS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT. Shame on SON? No MIL shame on you for thinking all of this was ok and then proceed to act like you are a victim experiencing any sort of abuse. Shame on you for going 9 months without any sort of contact to SON or me. Shame on you for acting like this person who doesn’t give a shit. What you did irrevocably affected our relationship that I reached out to you and you didn’t give a shit. That SON reached out to you and you didn’t give a shit. That finally GRANDSON is born and all of the sudden you give a shit? Sure MIL keep playing the victim. I appreciate the apology. It’s a bit late. We will need to have boundaries in place because you hurt our family enough.
Mom: I’ve read 2 books and did counseling on this manipulative , unempathetic, victimhood behavior and was advised to keep my distance or just don’t talk when in company. I will always be berated. I will always be a villain. I will always be told later I did something wrong. Notice how over time my aggregrmces have escalated? I am scared what’s next, honestly. You don’t want the articles I have. I have tried. Please stop insulting my intelligence. Accept the apology, you both also yelled loudly!!!! look at yourself in the mirror also if that’s possible. and let’s be adults or just keep me out of your life like you wish. I would love more than anything to see all of you. I will not beg when I am really not wanted. I also refuse to subject myself to this constant berating everytime time we talk. This is exactly why I have not reached out. Try some softness and forgiveness for a change. Who wants to be around people who hate so much? Things in life shouldn’t be this hard. This is not my choice . It is yours by this behavior. I want love …. I have had enough being blamed . I’m done with it. You win DIL. You play victim not me! lol serious? I will not do this anymore tonight. I will not finish the paragraph. Always too mean and upsetting. Goodnight. What? lol. I did not demand you get in SONS FATHERS car. Are you crazy? With your grossly heightened sensitivity I would NEVER even think of saying that. I kindly asked if “maybe you two could split up” You get so pussed you find shit to come up with. Good night.
Wife: Keep telling yourself that MIL. You are a bully and I will not tolerate anyone bullying my family. Wow. I can’t believe you are so insane and your reality is so skewed. You said this multiple times to me. In front of SON. You literally cannot lie your way out of this.
Mom: You are full of crap. Good night DIL

Age: 35 Sex: female Height: 5'4" Weight: 230lb Race: White Primary Complaint: concerns of pneumonia During: 3 days No existing medical issues Adderall 30mg and Sertraline 100mg daily Occasional drinker Non smoker No recreational drug use I have not been outside of the country recently
Sunday, on mothers day, I started to feel malaise. Throat hurt too, fever started around 8pm. Continued into Monday, I was convinced it was viral as my kids just had gotten over a throat infection (herpangina) and I thought it was probably that. On and off all day Monday I was fevering with a sore throat. I decided to get a good look at my throat and behind one of my tonsils I saw white patches, so Tuesday morning I went to med express. They swabbed me, positive for strep throat and prescribed augmentin. My kids were swabbed last week but negative for strep. My issue is, I’m worried I waited too long and it’s progressed into something uglier? My lungs apparently sounded fine yesterday and oxygen levels were good at the doctors but I am finding it hard to breathe in deep and it hurts. My chest and back mainly, I can’t tell if its muscular as I also have an intense and productive cough. It’s worse when I lay down. I’m getting sweaty easily too. No fever though. Does this sound like pneumonia?

Hi all,
Last night, I was playing a game and noticed that my ring and pinky finger have a "pins and needles feeling". Well, I went to bed and woke up, and that numbness/pins and needles feeling is still there.
This has never happened to me before, and I am not sure if it's something I should be concerned about. I have had Bells Palsy before, which has made me a hypochondriac about symptoms like this.
Is this just a pinched ulnar nerve? If so, when should it be going away? Or is this a greater cause for concern.
To add: I did B.E.F.A.S.T., and I don't have any cause for concern following those steps, but read that symptoms may appear for up to a week before a stroke occurs.
Stats because it got deleted prior:
Age -31
Sex - M
Height - 6'
Weight - 230lbs
Race - Caucasian
Duration of complaint - 10ish hours
Location (Geographic and on body) - USA - right hand (pinky, ring finger, outside of hand)
Any existing relevant medical issues (if any) - Previously had bells palsy
Current medications (if any) - adderall 15mg xr

I (29F NT) am extremely neurotypical and emotionally/mentally/financially stable. I’ve been struggling with my fiancé (31M dx rx) for a long time, and could really use some tailored words of wisdom. Lurking this subreddit/community has been so incredibly validating and helpful as I navigate this overwhelming journey… 2 years into our relationship and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I doubt whether he’s capable of changing fast enough, I’m not sure I want this for my life anymore. Things will only get harder as we age and kids are thrown in the mix…
The past year has been soul-crushing, I’m a shell of the person I used to be. I’ve self-isolated from friends, had depressive episodes (never had that before), gained an excessive amount of weight, am frequently paranoid and anxious (never had anxiety before). I just never have long-lasting peace, it has destroyed my mental health. Before all this, I was eager to get engaged/married while he was nervous and wanted to take it slow. Now things have flip-flopped: he proposed far earlier than I thought he would, and I’m hitting the breaks uncertain of our future when I’m supposed to be planning a wedding (I refuse to until I see long-term/consistent improvement from him).
I can say that thankfully, my fiancé is not on the extreme end of ADHD. He doesn’t struggle holding a job, he isn’t a slob, he doesn’t shut down sexually, etc. He was diagnosed with ADD (so inattentive ADHD) when he was 18, and has been taking Adderall since. He does not take as much as he is prescribed, which I’ve questioned and he brushed off. We have gotten into heated, and ridiculous, arguments since early-on in our relationship.
Fall last year I unintentionally stumbled upon the emotional dysregulation aspect of ADHD. I was watching reels on Facebook, and in one a woman started by saying “If your partner has ADHD, watch this.” I continued watching, and 5-10 seconds later she mentioned in passing how they have problems with emotional regulation. I was immediately floored and replayed the video to make sure I heard it correctly. I Googled it and, low and behold: there was article after article about this. I read bullet point after bullet point of the manifestations of ADHD, and I couldn’t believe how it described exactly what I had been dealing with for nearly a year and a half.
My entire life I thought ADHD just meant someone had more difficulty focusing or they were hyperactive. This is what most of [uninformed] society thinks, and also what my fiancé himself thought. Over a 12+ year period since being diagnosed, not a single doctor or psychiatrist ever once mentioned the emotional dysregulation aspect of ADHD to my fiancé. He had no idea! Previously, I had chalked up our problems to political differences and that for his entire 20s he was always around (and dated) people very different from me. So I thought he just had trouble adjusting away from judgmental worldviews he had adopted while being surrounded by like-minded people for so long.
The discovery of emotional dysregulation and RSD was ground-breaking for us. He had been starting to think I was the problem since he “didn’t have these problems in my previous relationships.” Well that’s because he always dated less-mentally-stable people (his most recent girlfriend was diagnosed bipolar), so by comparison he was always the more stable one in the relationship and the magnifying glass was pointed away from him. Making the link between our problems and his ADHD made it tangible in a way that he could understand, which provided a foundation for his growth and improvements to begin (alongside therapy). But it’s very difficult for a 30+ year old man with a brain disorder to unlearn bad habits he was fully unaware of & learn how to retrain his brain to process information in a healthy way…
My fiancé has externalized RSD - he becomes highly reactive and verbally aggressive. He is hypersensitive, his brain distorts reality and interprets innocuous questions/statements like “did you put water in the soap dispenser” or “that’s a lot of cereal” as personal attacks. He also has a very big problem not respecting certain differences in opinion we have, or not respecting my choice to not eat/do certain things - he will push and push and push and push, will not stop pushing even after I calmly & nicely asked him to stop dozens of times after dozens of arguments, will not stop even after I’m sobbing begging him to please stop with tears streaming down my face. What are these explosive arguments about? The most mundane, inconsequential things. I wish this was made-up: HOV lanes, me not wanting to eat salad, me not wanting to eat warm guac, me not wanting to eat mustard, me not wanting to try Adderall or coke, me having a different view/opinion on how we should heat up a frozen pizza, me not wanting to eat mushrooms because they make me sick, etc etc.
Every single time we have an explosive argument, he pushes and pushes and pushes. When I reiterate, for the 100th time, that I have autonomy over my own body and don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do, he tries to manipulate me by flipping the script and parroting words/phrases I’ve used in previous discussions (like saying I’m being “disrespectful” and “dismissive” of his feelings/opinions because I won’t do what he wants me to do). Only once he calms down does he realize how badly he effed-up, profusely apologizes, and promises to never do it again and that he’s capable of being better… But then he just does it again and again and again and again and again and AGAIN.
He tries to play the victim and come off as reasonable by saying that he’s just “trying to understand” me by asking questions. I told him that is a cop-out because after I’ve explained how I feel, he ignores it since it doesn’t make sense to him & doesn’t line up with what he thinks/believes, and instead he continues pushing/pressuring me.
More recently he also claims that he isn’t trying to pressure me to do anything TO MYSELF, he’s just sharing his own experiences and thoughts with me so I can understand him better. When you repetitively “share your experiences/thoughts” on XYZ after I made it clear dozens of times that I don’t want to do XYZ and to please stop pressuring me to, even if you don’t explicitly state “You should try XYZ,” you are still INDIRECTLY pushing/pressuring me.
I. am. SO TIRED. Resentment has been growing, I’m paranoid and anxious, I don’t trust him (because he has repeatedly lied to me), his substance use (alcohol and weed) has become less and less attractive. He claimed a long time ago that I’m obsessed with being right, but he’s just projecting - he’s the one obsessed with “being right.” While he loves how I do all the paperwork-related “adult” part of life, he gets really annoyed that I’m almost always ‘right’ about things while he is not - so he takes it out on me.
Things have gotten to the point of reactive abuse, which I warned him about a few months into our relationship (at the time I didn’t know the term, just the concept). I’m having such a hard time making my mind up on where to go from here. When things are good, they are so good. He is a genuine person and a good man, we have SO much love for each other. We share many laughs and have built a life together. But… his brain is plagued with a disorder (that he was not fully informed on & did not begin attempting to manage until 6 months ago) that breaks me down.
While he has improved since the ADHD link was discovered and he started therapy, he continues slipping up and defaulting back to his regular BS. I don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want to waste more years of my life, or end up trapped in a marriage because of kids… I’m afraid that’s what it will come to, and I’ll be forever mad at myself for sticking around despite the red flags and what I knew about his condition.
BUT… What if it’s possible for him to improve and stop hurting me? Maybe he needs different medication? Maybe there are other communication approaches we can try? Maybe there’s a better kind of ADHD-specific therapy out there (I don’t think his/our current therapist is helping much)?
I know that he has a long way to go, and that I need to focus on healing. What are methods that have worked for you? Is there a better way I can go about looking for a therapist that specializes in adult ADHD & who truly understands it and can help? My fiancé acknowledges and understands that he has a problem, I can see that he is genuinely trying to improve - he wants to be a better person for himself and also be the partner I deserve. He is struggling to make it happen, he wants it SO badly - he doesn’t want to lose me or the life we have together. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take… Please, any advice & support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

I had possibly an excessive amount of espresso. Not long after I took adderall.
I’m a semi middle aged female singing songs in my head about itchy buttholes and it started as a song about focusing cause I was trying to remind myself to focus and then it turned in to buttholes.
Then I went to the restroom and tried to get some of the wiggles out it didn’t work.
Do normal people get stuck on words and then make stupid songs?
Watch out for this itchy buttholes! I have issues for fuck sakes I am barely normal.
I’m going to go back to attempting to be a normal functioning adult.
Good luck everyone

Age: 24 Sex: M Height: 5’9” Weight: 140LBS Race: White Duration of complaint: 2 years Location: Utah Current medications: Venlafaxine, mirtazapine, gabapentin, adderall, quetiapine
Carcinoid or Serotonin Syndrome?
I’m on a tricyclic and an SNRI. When I drink the night before or when I don’t get enough sleep I get carcinoid/serotonin syndrome symptoms. My face turns red and hot except around my eyes and my heart races accompanied by diarrhea. My sclera also turn red a lot of the times. This began after I tried Wellbutrin for a few days then stopped cuz it happened the first time. It’s been over 2 years since the first instance. My doctor says “we can’t do anything if you’re not having symptoms when you get here” which I know is bullshit but they’re all I have coverage for. This never used to happen and I’ve been on my other meds a year or more before this began.

Already posted this is shrooms but thought I would post here as well. This is very important: I DO NOT CONDONE THE USE OF SUBSTANCES this is for educational purposes only
A little backstory, I’m 19M and have stuttered all my life. I’m not a very self conscious person but stuttering is my kryptonite. When I say I stutter I don’t mean I trip up on words hear and there I mean nearly every word I say can take me anywhere from a second to 30 seconds if I’m really having a bad block. A good portion of my life revolves around my stuttering. It dictates anything from my major in college to even the food I eat. It makes me feel less than human and is stopping me from being the person I want to be, at least that’s what it feels like. Through the years I have naively taken substances when I was far too young to both experiment and suppress the anxieties caused/formed by my stutter. Some of the substances were prescribed like Xanax and adderall while others I took to recreationally like MDMA, MDA, shrooms, LSD, alcohol, weed and some other more niche compounds. Most of there were done at wayyy to young of an age and I wouldn’t doubt it some of these causes lasting side effects even the LSD and shrooms which are physically safe. I stopped taking those drugs besides weed and alcohol until this year. (Sorry for the long backstory started rambling)
Fast forward to now me and three of my friends went on a climbing road trip with the first destination on our trip being Zion. We planned to take a 1/8 of GT each besides for my one friend who was going to take 2.5 since it was his first time. We took them on an empty stomach and started walking to our pre planned spot. They start hitting and fast, I have a decent bit of experience taking shrooms and have taken up to 5g with a good bit of experience of taking around 1/8 but these hit me like a train. We settle down in our spot when my friend who’s first time it was doing shrooms takes off with no shoes on in Zion national park without saying a word. It took us a while to realize because prior to taking off he was chilling in a dead tree near by and thought he needed some alone time. Anyways the three of us that are left start getting worried and we don’t know what to do. My one friend starts looping, saying “where’s __” over and over again but unfortunately repeating his name doesn’t summon him. At this point we are stopping balls and have no clue what to do but wait and hope he returns. I tried to calm him down saying he will be fine but honestly I wasn’t sure but at the time we couldn’t come up with a plan to find him (we did go looking for him but we were looping so hard there was no chance). This caused a lot of subtle anxiety for the first part of our trip with my one friend ever minute or so saying “where’s __” still. Our lost friend eventually appears out of the brush looking like a 6” 3’ hobbit it was quite a sight. I was scaring thinking he was off having a horrible trip or got hurt but the first thing he says is I quote “I know everything” to which I laughed and though to myself I have had that thought before this kid is tripping balls. Anyways we were all very relived but he tried to leave again saying he was feeling better away from the group which I get we probably weren’t giving off the best vide at that point but we didn’t want to stress over losing his again so I decided to tag along. This is where the stuttering backstory comes in, sorry again for the long post I wasn’t expecting to give a full trip report but here we are.
I was sitting with him on a tree nearby when we started taking about what he had just experienced/ is experiencing. It was very broken English but he was saying how we are all one and exclaimed how beautiful the whole experience had been and started asking me question about my trip and past trips. We somehow got to the topic of anxiety and the cause of it. When I started thinking about it I started to have very basic but meaningful realizations about my anxiety surrounding my stutter. I started speaking to my friend and rarely stuttering and even when I did, I didn’t care one bit, the anxiety I usually feel in the back of my throat wasn’t there and I could speak for the first time in my life. The whole we are all one mind set along with the heavy ego dissolution made me not care about if I stuttered or not it was beautiful. I felt like I could talk to anyone and not have the weight of my stutter glooming over me. I realized they are just people and their judgment (if they even are judging because the assumption that they are judging me is egotistical in a way since I am assuming they care about me enough to judge) shouldn’t effect the way I carry out my life and stop me from being happy. I also thought I am the one causing this anxiety for myself and all of this worry is for nothing since why be shameful about something I can’t change. I would always try to tell myself these things in my day to day life but I never really felt it. When I was tripping I was able to feel these thought and look at them in a new perspective I have never been able to in the past. No amount of alcohol, Xanax, MDMA or any other drug for that matter could have shown me that. During the trip I though I had cured my stutting even telling me friend I think I won’t be stuttering any more after this. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case but now I know it’s possible to reach that point, I feel I should have done a better job integrating my trip but there is still time and I plan to work on it. Maybe I say fuck it and pull a Paul stamets instead ha no jk. Anyways that’s a long story long sorry it was so drawn out and all over the place this wasn’t even the full trip but some of the more important bits. Hope you got something out of this but it was more of a vent because as one would image verbally telling a story to someone feels impossible with a stutter so it feels good get it out somehow.