Why did nazis think it was right

Evangelion

2009.09.06 20:48 ksan Evangelion

God's in his heaven. All's right with the world.
[link]


2013.08.03 01:36 What Could Go Right?

A SUBREDDIT FOR UNEXPECTEDLY POSITIVE OUTCOMES.
[link]


2014.12.17 08:35 BlackStallion54 justfuckmyshitup

This subreddit is dedicated to jacked up haircuts from all walks of life.
[link]


2024.05.19 13:49 keiminono I (20F) am confused about my relationship of 6 months with boyfriend (24M)

So I met him on a dating app and after getting to know each other for couple of months we started dating He is the sweetest person Ive ever met he's respectful, understanding and what not The relationship is going pretty smoothly but there's this one thing that's bugging me for quite some time It's just been 6 months so obviously we both haven't really thought about the future but we did had a conversation about the same where he clearly said that "we don't have any future together" i really didn't mind it then but whenever we generally talk about such topics he always says the same thing that we have no future together and we won't stay together forever I mean I get it that we are still very young and can't be so sure about the future but why say it again and again right? You never know what future holds for you So two days ago i asked him that why does he think that we have no future together even though we have a really nice bonding n all And his reply was that " i don't want my family to think that I'm a failure by letting them know about this relationship" What does that mean?? Then he went on clarifying that his family already thinks he's good for nothing as he is not able to get a job and he don't want to give them another reason to criticize him But I'm not asking him to go tell his family today only about us My family knows because I'm pretty sure about him and I'm totally okay with waiting for few more years until he's all settled But he's so adamant that he won't talk to his family about us Should I end this? Because I'm not sure if I should stay with a guy who doesn't even want to give us a chance in future or who doesn't even wanna take a stand for us Or should I just go with the flow and see what happens in future??
TL;DR- I (20F) Is confused about my relationship of 6 months with boyfriend (24M) because he is so sure that there's no future for us.
submitted by keiminono to relationships [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:46 UnfairProfessor8108 Chronic pain arms and hands

Last November (2023) I started having pain in my forearms (near the elbow around tendons) especially while working using a mouse or keyboard and when I would train upper body, my forearms would get so tight I had to stop. It would take a while for the tightness to subside. Eventually it got worse to the point they would hurt while doing every day activities such as cooking. Pain medication gave me a little relief but did not get rid of all the pain. Strangely the pain always seemed to be worse on one side… mainly the right but never the same intensity on both sides. The pain started going into my hands. Texting became painful and I also had to stop playing piano as just moving my fingers would hurt. I could describe the pain as burning and pinching and sometimes pins and needles in my pinky and right finger. I would try massage, ice, heat, stretching but these were only temporary relief for not very long. When I stopped moving my arms it would go away so at night I could sleep. In the morning I seemed fine but as soon as I started moving again it would come back. I saw a doctor and he suggested I get tested for carpel tunnel and get a nerve test done. Well it wasn’t carpel tunnel. Next I saw a physiotherapist and she suggested compartment syndrome and referred me to a sports doctor. The doctor did not think it was that and suggested my nerves were compressed due to bad posture at work and perhaps bad position while Sleeping. He said to check for ergonomic equipment and correct my posture with a physical therapist. I suggested an xray of my neck too. Well in the meantime it just got worse. Some days were better than others. I got ergonomic equipment and eventually a standing desk. I noticed a small difference but not much. I knew there was something more to just this. Eventually the pain went up into my tricep following a precise path into my underarm into my back up my shoulder blade. Again worse on the right but also a little on the left. At this point I was trying anything for relief. It was becoming really hard to work. I stopped training completely. Massages were the best thing for relief and sometimes I could have 1-2 days without pain but it would always come back. Another doctor had me do an ultrasound of my elbows but only showed I had a little inflammation- not really enough to cause this pain. I never received news on my xray so I thought it was normal. Fast forward to today. I try to limit exertion of my arms and hands as much as possible and it helps but it’s it’s gotten to the point that just movement hurts - like walking. However it is mainly in my left arm now. My right arms seems a lot better. Still the tightness, the pinching and burning but the worst now is in the hand by the wrist. It is very sensitive to touch and feels like its on fire. I figured out if I immobilize my arm and hand it’s better. Sometimes it’s the only way to sleep now. I finally got The nerve test on my arms and hands done but it showed that my nerves were normal- however that particular day I didnt have a lot of pain so maybe that’s why it showed up normal?! I saw a Chiropractor- he did some tests and thought I probably have a slipped disk in my cervical spine as I had a lot of the signs. He prescribed me an MRI which I haven’t gotten an appointment for yet. However just last week when I went back to open clinic because I just couldn’t take it anymore with the pain, the doctor checked my file and pulled out the xray of my neck (that I never got news from) and it showed that I have osteoarthritis in C2-3-4-5 and 6. The doctor was not very clear on the severity and I was a little emotional not understanding what this meant that I did not think to ask. She said it is possible that my pain is coming from compressed nerves from my spine but she didnt rule out a herniated disk. She prescribed Lyrica and I started taking it a few days ago but dont feel any difference yet. So this is where i am now. still waiting for an MRI to be done. I am still in a lot of pain and wondering if its going to be like this for the rest of my life. My moral is not good. i actually called suicide hotline because i just cant take it anymore. I was a very active althletic person and i also coach Crossfit. Its very hard for me right now. I was told with osteoarthritis in my neck I wouldn’t ever be able to do my sport again. I am devastated. Can anyone please give my insight? Am I doomed to feel pain the rest of my life or is this temporary?
submitted by UnfairProfessor8108 to RSI [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:46 JustLatibulating Hey fellow members

I've not done any rant post in a while, but I've done many before. Hmmmm.
So, the first thing is, what does ranting actually means, does it only mean to tell about your problems and the options you have or does it mean to tell about what you actually feel about it, how you're doing, what was your preference, what you actually had wanned, what actually you have deserved(maybe few gonna say you deserves what you're facing now, or maybe few gonna say, hey buddy.. It's alright, everything will be fine, don't need to panic, this is life, it happens and all).
Well yeah ik, stuff happens all the time, no one have control over it, everyone have some kind of problems in their's life, I don't wanna compare, but there's something more, sometimes few ones have to deal with much harder situations, which are uncommon from others, sometimes few have different type of a life, and I do think that's me. (here some will say, you think highly of yourself, it's not just you who's having issues bluh bluh bluh....) hmmmm well they are right tho. Well am not that strong of a person, and am getting weaker everyday. My whole life has been on trauma, and for two years, it has gone crazy as hell. At first i was like, whatever it is, I'll have to face it, but now I can't.... I just can't do it anymore.
For around 3 months the only thing am doing is to avoid everything, cause am worthless, atp I don't even know if I ever give it a try, but it's already too late (Ik what peeps gonna say about this too) and for more then a 5 months, I never show any hope. I thought, yeah.... Everyone says, things will get better in time, so here i am, things have changed to much worse scenario. And these things can't be coped, so am not gonna try to do so.
Now about cope, what does this fukin word mean, is coping to things are really important, well it depends, what kind of problems you're facing and at what position you're in. If you gonna cope in everything then that's a mistake, sometime to break the cycle, you need to stop coping. But it doesn't mean you should stop coping in every point of your life.
You should analyze what are the things you can't change rn, and for just for the time being you should cope with it and then try to change/make yourself in a way that you will need not to cope. I don't know how to put this in a way to make much better sense.(i just hope people will not get the wrong meaning)
And now am I ranting or just saying stuffs, idk.
Something happened just now, and here I am, typing this shit talk, I could have atleast tried stopping it, but I did nothing, there's no use on struggling anymore. I just wanna vanish. There's no hope. And I know this for sure. (here some will think that, when you already know and have decided everything thing, then what's the meaning of all this just fukin do it.) well yeah... They are right here too. Why to struggle yarr... Just fukin end it.
I dont know what will happen next, but ik nothing good gonna happen. I should just end it...
submitted by JustLatibulating to TeenIndia [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:44 DUBAYYYY Mods to increase the "Factory"

I was thinking. Space Engineers is like Minecraft with mods, that said, I know that many won't like the comparison. Is there any mod that makes Space Engineers have things like minecraft mods? I'm sure some of you have already played it. I'm talking about power cables, items, fluids (although SE doesn't have any), gases. Various machines, Generations of energy. Did you understand? It would be cool to have mods like this in Space Engineers.
why when you do the basics: Start>Mining>ship>moon>platinum/uranium>end. It ends up getting a little boring, despite having a lot of things to do, it's based on creativity, which is not my strong point.
Before anyone says anything, I know that you can do a lot of things with vanilla, I know that the right thing to do would be to make automatic drones and/or rovers to move items, etc. although. Here's a question about mods
submitted by DUBAYYYY to spaceengineers [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:42 SuddenBag7701 Introduction / Vent / Fear

Hello.. So I’m 33 now back in 2018 I found out that I had literally 0 sperm in my ejaculate and man it was devastating, I also had low T , normal LH and slightly elevated FSH. I also had an ultrasound that showed I had vericoceles that were high grade , because my right testicle is normal size and left is slightly atrophied. The doctor did the operation on them and gave me clomid for 3 months to recheck and I did and nothing came back so I was fed up and upset. I wasn’t even with anyone at the time but it was frustrating that I felt I wasn’t getting answers to the why ! Like why! You would know looking at me I’m 6 1 , good build , my parts are good shape like not to brag but I’m a solid 7 … but It consumed me I went to Penn and was told I’d have a 60% for FNA or mtese .. but said to come back when I’m with someone serious / wife .. I dated rounds for years since then but nothing worked out I eventually moved back home for a bit to save money to buy a home I kinda felt like oh she won’t wanna be with me for my fertility issues so I kinda focused on myself and other passions like my dog , saving for house . I have a lot of friends some are married with kids or on way , some still single like me and I have a beautiful niece and nephew and a god son form another friend. Then recently I went back to urologist cause I wanted to know where I was at again so they did an ultrasound and my nuts grew ! Which is great they are normal size now Alberto lefty still smaller … but the ultrasound also found a new 2-3 mm intratesticilar hypoechoic cyst very small so my doctors want to keep an eye on it but I’m constantly freaking out that it will be cancer I had 2 ultrasounds a month apart that showed no signs of changes or malignancy I even had tumor markers done and a CT scan cause I have bad health anxiety, even did xray on chest and heat and all sorts of urine and bloodwork . Only thing I have is kidney stone. I’m still scared that this will turn into cancer or that it’s some rare cancer I have a recheck in August and I’m scared I don’t want to lose what I’ve been trying to fix best I can. I also don’t want Cancer so .. I can’t keep thinking it will metastasize .. I don’t have any Klinefelters they checked while bloood and no Y deletion im 46xy.. it’s just like idk what to do I have goals and stuff and I can’t help but think I can’t live my life cause I catastrophize thinking oh because I got this rare thing then I’ll get a terrible incurable cancer and I’m toast. I kept reading articles about increased risk for cancers or cysts / nodules for infertile men / azo men and I’m thinking oh fuck here we go .. my doctor told me don’t do that and I never had underfunded testes. / klinefelters or Y deletion either But my doctors say it’s a cyst I’m a healthy young individual , I wanna buy a housei want to date again. I regret feeling inadequate a few years back and wish I manned up to my GF at the time and just did whatever it took to have kids and I feel left out sometimes when I’m with my friend a at their house and they are getting married or ave kids and then there is me and it sucks and I w ant to be able to live and have that for my own no matter what it takes with some one I love and this cyst in my testicle have been a real mind fuck for past 2 months ….. advice , help please , I was atleast ok with my circumstances but now I’m afraid I lose all that too cause of this cyst that I think is cancer even though the doctors tell me it looks like a. Cyst and there is no concern for malignancy.. my therapist says to focus on the facts but I like to think long term and this is getting hard for me and I just want to know I’ll be okay and not have to constantly worry about this like I have been
submitted by SuddenBag7701 to maleinfertility [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:42 moveintheshadows AITA for getting mad at her for not apologising and comparing her to my ex?

Hi, I (20F) have been in a polyamorous relationship with a guy (21M) for 1 year. Polyamory is pretty nuanced but our agreement is that while we are in a committed relationship, we can still explore our sexualities since we are both bisexual. I can see girls, he can see guys.
This is quite unusual, I know and a lot of people judge the quality of my relationship immediately when I say I’m polyamorous but it works for us and we’ve been really happy and hope to get married after we graduate.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was seeing a girl, we’ll call her Kelly who identifies as a lesbian. I absolutely adored her and she got on really well with my boyfriend. The three of us would watch movies together and fall asleep in the same bed without feeling uncomfortable. There was one problem, she would occasionally ghost me for 2-4 weeks due to health reasons. She is chronically ill and struggles with mental health. I have also struggled with mental illness and had to leave university for one year because of how bad it got. Nevertheless, I am on treatment now and mostly better. Because I can relate to having mental health issues, I tried to be as supportive as possible but her ghosting me for weeks at a time hurt very much especially because she would not communicate that she intended on having alone time. I would understand if it had been a few days. When she returned each time, she would not apologise until one day I started sobbing because she made me feel really confused and unwanted. She only ever apologised after I revealed that her actions hurt me but if I didn’t, she thought this behaviour was completely normal. It wasn’t the ghosting that hurt the most, it was the lack of communication about when she needed space and, the inability to recognise that her actions hurt me on her own, without any kind of prompt from me.
I eventually ended things with her which was extremely painful and hard to do because I truly loved her and my boyfriend and I enjoyed her company even if it was just sitting and chatting for hours.
Fast forward: I start seeing a new girl, we’ll call her Mary. Mary is a wonderful girl, but I was still hurting a lot from my experience with Kelly and I made her aware from the start that I am still processing a lot of the pain from my experience with my ex and that I’m working on it but that unhealed part of me might cause distrust.
Months go by, Mary and I become a lot closer. Exams start approaching and we’re seeing each other a lot less. It’s difficult to see each other because she doesn’t feel comfortable around my boyfriend and wouldn’t want to come over while he was there so he would have to leave every time we made plans and I hated doing that to him.
I need to give some context before we dive deeper. Over these few months, I spent time with her friends almost everyday at least for an hour and made an effort to get to know each and every single one of them and be on good terms with them. One of her friends called me pretentious to my face solely because I used the word, “idiosyncratic” in a conversation. This caught me off guard and when it happened, all her friends laughed at me including Mary which really hurt me because I would never let that slide if one of my friends said something like that to her let alone laugh. Some of her friends made me uncomfortable and were kind of mean to me? But I sat with them frequently anyway because I cared about her and wanting to make that sacrifice to spend time with her. In contrast, I have few close friends but the person closest to me is my boyfriend, naturally. Mary made no effort to get to know him or even be nice to him and this hurt me because my boyfriend is genuinely a soft and sweet person and I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t attempt to get to know him seeing as I made so much of an effort with her friends.
I would initiate all our dates, pay for her and essentially give her princess treatment, listen to her and give her advice when she was depressed late at night even if I had a test the next day. I went to my 10am lecture venue 20 minutes early everyday just so I could pass her and chat to her for a bit. I wasn’t perfect but I did give her a lot of my effort and time.
A few times, I vented to her about Kelly and I apologised, saying I hate being that person to talk about their ex. She reassured me that it was okay and she was there for me which brought me so much comfort.
Things go steadily until we got closer to exams and we could barely see each other because her friends are kind of rowdy and rambunctious and it was too hard to study around them so close to exams. In addition, she never wanted to come over unless the boyfriend wasn’t there. We made plans multiple times but something came up each time. I started to miss her a lot and asked my boyfriend if I could have the apartment some time during the week to see her and he was more than happy to stay at res that night. I got her roses, unwrapped and cut them, got rid of all the thorns, spray painted one black because she likes black, rewrapped them, got her chocolates and spent 4 hours cleaning my house.
She texts me asking to move the time we were supposed to meet up from 6pm to 9pm and this initially upsets me because I get anxiety when plans are changed last minute but I said it was fine.
9pm comes, no text. 9:20, nothing. I begin to freak out. She eventually texts me saying she lost her phone in an Uber and is texting from her pc and can’t make it. The exact message was, “I lost my phone in an Uber, i can’t make it.”
I immediately started searching online for ways to track her phone. Tried helping her login to Uber on her laptop and place an enquiry for a lost item, then helped her track the phone using her google account and she found where it was. I googled a bunch of things about the safety of the area to make sure where she was going was safe and told her to take a friend. She gets her phone back and all is well. Then goes to sleep.
Now I don’t know if I’m being dramatic but what stood out to me was the lack of, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it, I know you really wanted to see me and probably made your boyfriend leave and put a lot of effort into this. It was a mistake but I am sorry for how it affected your day and feelings.”
This is what I would have said asap if it was me. Yes, she lost her phone by accident but that doesn’t mean that it had no consequences for anyone else. I’ve lost things by accident before and still recognised that I should have been more aware/ responsible and apologise. I am always the first to apologise in situations and sometimes profusely even if it’s not a big deal because I feel really bad when I inconvenience/ upset people.
I messaged her saying it really bothered me that she did not apologise and disregarded how that affected my day, plans and feelings. She messaged back saying she meant to apologise but she was tired and forgot and a bunch of excuses. This didn’t make it better for me. A simple, “You’re right, I did mean to say sorry but it slipped my mind and I should have said that immediately. I appreciate all the effort you made and I’m gonna make it up to you.”
I started to get more upset the more she made excuses and told her that it was resurfacing trauma from my ex because Kelly would only apologise after I said I was hurt and have a million reasons to justify it. I told her I was feeling triggered and I felt like I was reliving bad memories. She sent me a long paragraph saying it’s not okay for me to compare her all the time (I’ve never compared her to Kelly other than this time) and said me talking about how Kelly hurt me put pressure on her to not do the same things. I said I was so sorry for comparing her and I didn’t mean to make her feel bad, I was just expressing that I was feeling triggered and wanted her to stop explaining herself because it was making bad memories resurface. Regardless, I was wrong and I promised that it would never ever happen again and while I was not aware that talking about Kelly pressured her, I am now and want to discuss it more in person BUT I felt like this was the wrong time for her to bring up everything I had done wrong and could do better when she had literally just done something that hurt me and we were discussing that and the conversation just shifted. I said I felt that she was deflecting and that while her points are valid, I wish she had asked to speak in person, apologised and then said she wants to address another issue with me and bring all of those concerns up. I feel like if something has been bothering someone for months in a friendship OR relationship, they shouldn’t choose to finally bring it up in the middle of being called out.
She got defensive then I got defensive, I said I was sorry and never wanted to make her feel that way again and will give her space and she should message me when she is ready to talk. I asked if she still wanted the flowers, she said yes and I brought them to her on Friday.
No text from her after that, nothing. I text on Sunday asking her what’s wrong and she says and I quote, “I've thought about it and I don't think we should keep hanging out or whatever. The way you reacted to me and made me feel really horrible about myself on Wednesday just made me think that that's not how I want to go about situations like those in the future and that I don't think we're suited for each other.”
This gutted me not only because she referred to our relation as “hanging out or whatever” but because I thought we had resolved our problems and were going to work through them together. It also hurt me because she broke up with me via text knowing she would see me the next day on campus after her lecture. It also hurt because she had only said she doesn’t want to see me anymore when I messaged to ask what was going on knowing I had told her I am giving her space and she should message me when she is ready to talk. But this wasn’t talking, it was a definitive decision and instead of telling me, she left me hanging for days, freaking out while waiting for an update. Lack of communication, once again.
I also felt like while I had made a mistake, I gave her a genuine apology, promised not to do it again and wanted to discuss it more. How did I become the villain of the story all of a sudden?
I felt like I had been so good to her and this issue, while valid, wasn’t big enough to break up over and speak to me like I meant nothing. An in-person conversation with something approximating, “You were good to me and I appreciate the effort you made and enjoyed our time together but the way you handled our last argument made me realise that we are not suited for each other. I wish the best for you.” would have been so much kinder and I reread her text over and over again asking myself what I did to deserve a breakup like that.
AITA for comparing her to my ex and saying that she should have brought up the issues she had with me and what I had been doing wrong separately after a genuine in-person apology.
submitted by moveintheshadows to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:41 ThrowRA_BrokenDude My (23M) GF (23F) broke up with me after being put under a lot of stress. How can I move on or get her back?

Second throwaway account.
The break up was more nonchalant, there was agreement on both sides that it may be best but I also recognize that both our minds may not have been in the right place at the time.
We're both in vulnerable positions, her more than me. A lot of me regrets not waiting to have "the talk" like she'd offered because I was working. I insisted on "ripping the bandaid off" but did this metaphorical bandaid need to come off? Let alone exist?
She doesn't want to talk right now and I understand why, I feel a part of it is that I didn't put up a "fight" to convince her otherwise. We'd been through something like this before, but we worked through it after spending some time away from each other yet having never broken up and that whole ordeal was entirely my own fault. This time is different, I feel like I had no control over what happened; I was asleep (night shift) when two key events happened this time and I wasn't able to be there for her. After the first event, I had decided to take steps so that I could be there. That process is still on going, scheduling changes at my job take time.
After the second event, I had this dread in the back of my mind... I wasn't there to help her because, again, I was asleep for my night shift. All I could think of was that this may be the very last chance I had to be there in a moment of crisis and, again, I had failed to be there to support her.
I'm torn, she's been my one truly real relationship. One who I didn't see as a quick hookup if I had my "urges". I cared about her, and I felt like she cared about me. I felt secure. I had my moments of doubt but those thoughts were quickly put to rest each time when I spoke to her about it.
I fear that there's a very slim chance at reconnecting with her. I just want the pain to go away, I want her pain to go away. I want to talk it out with her and start over from scratch. Our lives have changed drastically since we'd met. I had a change in career and she had been accepted to uni. The stresses of those changes have been hard to work through together, but we were managing. This new crisis just so happened to break the camels back.
submitted by ThrowRA_BrokenDude to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:36 Spiritual-Durian6344 My fiancée ring got lost, but that’s not all

To begin with I admit, I lost the ring and here is how we got here.
Our problems began in 2021 the day I searched “My girl never apologizes or admits that she is wrong”. I read articles upon articles that led me to information that described exactly what I was going through and that my experiences might be considered as abuse. I thought abuse was limited to physical abuse and that as a man I cannot be a victim of such.
My confrontations to her behaviors started to put a strain on our relationship, I could see right through that it was not always my fault, it was always not always for me to apologize regardless who is at fault.
Nevertheless, fast-forward to March 2022 we had an argument because of something she did to which I responded “If you do this then you are not my Fiancee because this is not how you treat your Fiance” and she immediately took off the ring and said “I am not your fiance”. I took the ring downstairs and put it away because we were leaving together at the time. I went back to my house for the night, we talked through things and continued with the relationship.
Early april 2022, I had enough of the drama and I left her house and went back to my house living with my sisters. During that time, the matter was taken to our church leader and there we spoke of our issues, each their own. At the end of it all, she mentioned she did have the ring anymore and I said I will give it back to her and she said will not put on the ring unless I put it on her. I replied that I will not do that, if you removed it by yourself it's only right that you put it back and she did ask for it after considering her needs were not met.
June/July I found out she was cheating on me with a guy from her gym for 2 months even though we liked each other’s posts dated back to March 2022. When confronted she denied having physical contact and only sexting and meeting for 10 minutes outside. In addition, she blamed me for it saying I was not giving attention and she had to find that with someone. She even asked about marriage a week after the whole thing. Nevertheless, This went back and forth for months all the way to December 2022, we were trying to work things out but it was ugly and we could see each for like once a week.
Throughout 2023 it was the same arguments, we managed to start going dates here there and I had to document all this because there was always a time she will tell me I do dont do enough to make the relationship better. I am not discussing marriage, even though I made it clear that it's not on my mind considering everything that has happened. At this time, I moved in with a friend (male) because my sister had a baby and needed the space.
These arguments dialed down after I stopped sharing how I felt, because this is what would cause arguments sometimes not always. I just bottle it up and continue so everyone is happy.
February 2024, she brings up the marriage subject again and at this time I said I will consider it and we can have discussions. After this she asked for the ring and I said I would go back to my sisters house to look for it, to be honest I did not go for sometime. I went looking for the ring and during this period my sisters were moved into an airbnb by the landlord for 3 months due to damp issues and repairs were going and things were moved around. I did not find the ring.
Meantime, She suggested that She will get any cheaper to wear it, but that ring started wearing out We should get a replacement and I said okay that’s fine. We can do that, but at this point I didn’t think I Would be funding that ring.
She sent a links to buy rings online and I said I won’t buy the ring because this whole about the ring really hurts me considering everything, why don’t we just move with our without the ring
And she said “ The point is I was there. You knew one day I will put back the ring when we work things out. Why did you not take care of it? ”
And “ How can you lose something that is of high value anyways? ”
And “ But you knew there will come a better day, we BOTH HAD HOPE, that’s why we both STUCKED AROUND. You lost the ring and failed to keep it safe. Find it or buy a new one. End of conversation.”
I tried to explain that at some point I no longer thought of the ring anymore it had been 2+ years since she gave back the ring and cannot be found but she thinks I’m blaming of which I said and I’m just saying the sequence of events.
I’ve been honest and transparent that this thing about the ring brings bad memories for me and it hurts, let’s go ahead with the marriage but let’s leave this to the side.
This is what she says “ Sorry for insulting you or saying things that have hurt you. I believe you will seek advice and maybe a decision based on that and I will hear from you then but like a said, I will wait by Wednesday because you like to take your time and I dont want to anymore. If you can have an answer tonight or tomorrow thats great.
I understand you have some pain involved with the ring so I will have to leave you to it and let you make a decision
I just cant imagine being without any sort of ring on my finger until August (we dont even know when that will be we have zero knowledge about things)
Alternatively, go and search for it properly again. Or ask ”…” where it could be. There is so many options.”
TL;DR! - I’ve been given a deadline to replace the ring or it’s over in 48 hours.
submitted by Spiritual-Durian6344 to relationships [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:30 LanesGrandma I think he can BE the door.

I started work at ShawbRyt a week ago and am already Team Lead for Night Collections, the first female Team Lead for this district. Name’s Charley. Wish I could say what we collect for but I don’t care so I never asked. All I know is, my team only accepts cash. No debit, no credit, no cheques, no body parts, just paper cash issued by our government. And we get a lot of it, every day, brought in by muscular people who I think got it from other people. That’s all I know. But that amount of cash means someone from the team has to make a bank deposit at the end of every shift.
Today (well, tonight really, since it’s night shift) the district manager told me to take Kedgewick with me when I go to the bank. That way I wouldn’t be the only one on the Team that knows how to make the deposit and so that I’m not going alone. That isn’t him being sexist. The previous Team Lead was a guy and he disappeared while doing a night deposit so I guess it’s good for business. Even if it isn’t good for business, I don’t care. Not my business.
Kedge is new, he’s only been with us two days. He’s a jeans, T-shirt and blazer kinda guy. Brand name athletic shoes; today’s were red. No tie. Blond hair, slightly messy, no beard or mustache or earring. Always somewhat nervous and a lot annoying but I get paid to do what I’m told, not to ask questions.
At the appointed time, which I’m not going to say for security reasons, I tapped Kedge on the shoulder of his irritatingly clean white T-shirt. The kid jumped like I’d shoved a gun in his face.
“Deposit time,” I whispered.
He looked at me like I was kidnapping him.
I pointed to the gray blazer on the back of his chair. “We gotta go.”
He kept staring at me while he put on his jacket.
Once outside, I pointed to the bank, two blocks away. “Ever made a night deposit?”
He kept staring. I realized he might think I was propositioning him.
I held the deposit slip in front of his face to make sure he saw it. “See this? There’s 1,000 fives, 400 tens, 500 twenties, 120 fifties and 50 hundreds in the pouch. Thirty grand. Just like the total. Sign here.” I handed him a pen, hoping he knew how to use it and turned so he could use my back as a table. I kept a tight grip on the deposit pouch until he was done, then opened the pouch so he could put the slip inside.
He hesitated before releasing the paper. “We don’t keep a copy?”
“Got one in the office.” I grabbed the paper, jammed it into the pouch then sealed it shut. “We gotta go.”
He mostly kept up with me on the way to the bank. I slowed down as we approached and handed the pouch to him. “The night deposit box is inside those doors on the left. The door opens when you put this card,” I gave him my deposit card, “into the slot on the left of the door, see it? Then pull the deposit box handle, throw this in, slam it shut and come out. Any questions?”
He shook his head, looking about as confused as when I told him to put on his jacket. But he did head towards the door so I stood on the corner, wondering how long it would take for the guy already in the bank to finish and get out of Kedge’s way. The guy in the bank was hard to miss. He was wearing white jeans and a white jacket with a white cowboy hat. I started humming a Bee Gees' tune.
I stopped humming when movement a couple of yards up the street caught my attention. A man dressed in black walked out from behind a streetlight pole. I say behind, but it was more like he was the streetlight pole, because once he started walking, there was no more light, no more pole. I know it was dark but how was the pole there one second and gone the next?
That’s a good example of why I’m better off sticking to following orders, not asking questions. In the time it took me to wonder about the pole, the man walked up to the guy coming out of the bank and shot him twice through the head and twice thru the chest.
I couldn’t breathe or move. I watched in horror as the man grabbed the dead body by the shoulders. At the first touch, the man in black's wardrobe changed to white jeans and jacket. He even had a white cowboy hat. All without removing the dead guy's clothes. He threw the original man in white into the back parking lot's dumpster without so much as a grunt.
Kedge’s very loud running commentary snapped me back into action. "Did you see that? He killed that guy! Did you see that? He threw that guy away! Did you see that? He is that guy now!"
The man in black, now the man in white, might lack fashion sense but he had street smarts. He whipped around and stared at Kedge who then screamed, "He's looking at me! What should I do? Charley!"
At least I think that’s what Kedge was yelling. As soon as I saw the murderer pointing his gun at us, I ran towards the building across the street. Before Kedge finished yelling, I jumped over the fence to that building's parking lot. Once there, I looked back and saw Kedge following me, aiming a gun right at me. A bullet flew past me, grazing my arm. It hurt like the last time I got shot, and I dropped the damn deposit pouch.
I took a sharp right and zigzagged my way up the street behind buildings to the nearest main road. At some point, Kedge stopped following me which made things worse. The more I ran, the more my fear ramped up. It didn’t feel right, seeing a man commit murder, then Kedge trying to kill me and then they both disappear? Not right at all.
It was so wrong, I stopped running at the intersection of Gardiner Drive and Hornpot Lane. The light facing me was red and, well, my lungs, arm and legs were aching. My arm wasn't bleeding but it felt like it was on fire. I took a second to look at it and noticed something moving in the forsythia bush down the street, close enough to see under the street lights along Gardiner.
It was Kedge. He had the gun. He shot at me as he tripped and fell out of the bush.
My legs started pumping and everything around me became a blur. I was in the elevator in my apartment building before I noticed anything else and by then I was gasping for breath.
Kedge missed me, I'm not sure how. Every creak the elevator made sounded like a gunshot to me, all the way to the third floor. My hands shook so bad it took several tries to get the key in the door lock and I kept checking over my shoulders the whole time. I almost turned on the lights when I got inside but realized that wasn’t normal for most people at this time of night. I felt my way to the balcony door and made sure it was locked with curtains drawn.
My sofa is now behind the door to the apartment hallway. Not wanting to smell up the bedsheets and too sore to change them, I tossed a blanket on the sofa before lying down on it. Maybe everyone else would take a shower then listen to a podcast or two before sleep. But this is the middle of the night for people working “normal” hours. Building management said I get thrown out the next time I piss off my neighbors by showering this time of night, so I won’t.
Just as my heart beat was slowing, things took a bad turn. Which is why I'm sending this, in case — look, things could get worse.
Someone's knocking on my door. In the middle of the night. In an apartment building where I'll be up for eviction if there's one more complaint from a neighbor.
I've looked out the peephole. I can describe the person perfectly. His blond hair is slightly messy. He's wearing a blood-stained white T-shirt, jeans and a gray blazer. No tie, beard, mustache or earring. Red athletic shoes, one with the shoelace undone.
He's smiling. He's holding a gun.
I called Emergency Services and they said they'll be here soon. No, they could not define soon. I need to stay put and wait for them.
But the guy at my door won't stop smiling or knocking. And I'm afraid he's going to get in and I'll never get out again.
submitted by LanesGrandma to Odd_directions [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:28 Worldly_Feed1733 Am I an incel?

I (19m) recently broke up with my gf (18f). It started 3 years ago right after covid; I fell first and it felt like she fell harder. She had an abusive household and had a lot of problems regarding academics, friends and family. She struggled academically so I helped her with every part of it, teaching her everything so that she passed the tests, sometimes doing her homework for her. She had basically no friends so I told her that she always had me. She clinged onto me and would get jealous whenever I talked to any of my friends so she isolated me from all my friends but my best friend. Her father used to hit her so I learned how to fight. I hated every part of it but I did it so that someday, if need be , I could protect her. After highschool, we decided to go overseas to pursue our future. She had pretty bad english so I gave my all and somehow made her pass the IELTS. But due to issues with visa and all that, we had to be in two seperate countries. I went first, she went after, and now we were in our own different countries leading our own different lives. Both of us were struggling but we helped each other with all we could. She had a good job but her academics were slipping. So I told her to just handle her job and her life and that I would handle her academics. I struggled a lot with this; handling a 20 hour job with a 19 credit hour semester and a whole different course alltogether was pretty difficult. Sometimes I'd go a couple days without food cause I had that little time. However, being able to talk to her kept me going. I believed with all my heart that we would, after a couple years, have our own little family. I did notice certain things that changed abiut her; I wanted to go to the gym but she would prohibit me cause she had a thing with skinny guys but recently she kept pointing out that I was too skinny and had no triceps, which, to me atleast was very weird and hurtful but I didnt think much of it, she also never used to talk about money but she started obsessing over getting a new iphone and would get mad at me for not being able to afford her one. I told her to pay in installments which we could alternate every month but for some reasonshe declined.One day, after a pretty grueling day at work, dealing with my abusive boss and not being able to register for one of my most important classes, I was planning to go home and talk to her. But she was offline. I then just started randomly scrolling through instagram reels when I got a text from an unknown account telling me he wants to talk to me about her. He asks me why I have been hiding from him. Confused as to who this individual is and what he means by me "hiding" from him, I question further. He asks me if Im my gfs bff. I tell him im his boyfriend and ask him wtf he means by me hiding. He then proceeds to ask me why ive been blocking him on my socials. I didnt even know the guy, but my gf had my socials too. After an awkward minute, he sends me several pictures of them kissing and on the bed together. At this point I'm questioning if it is photoshopped. Then he sends me a recording of ny gfs voice calling his name out in a seductive manner. "Photos can be faked right? But voices?" He said. I then questioned her and she talked about how he blackmailed her with their photos. So I asked an explanation for how the photos were there in the first place and why I had no knowledge of this blackmail prior to this. After not getting one, I blocked her and everything related to her. Deleted everything that would make me want to go back. But recently, while checking my gmail, I found out that she sent regular mails with how and what she was doing and apologized in it. I blocked her mail too but felt a crippling sense of guilt and regret.
I talked to my bff about this. He laughed and said that I won and how she regrets it now. I don't understand how I won. I lost the moment she cheated. Idc if she regrets it, it makes it even more tragic, and even more hurtful to see the one you love in pain. I still cant bring myself to hate her. On an emotional level, I want to go back. Intellectually, Ik it is wrong. Am I an incel?
submitted by Worldly_Feed1733 to AskMenRelationships [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:28 DifficultSquash3459 My fiancé 26M ghosted me 25F and moved out without a goodbye. What do I do?

My fiancé had a habit of lying to me since day one and I discovered another lie on Thursday, three days ago. It caused an argument and so much frustration, depression, anger, and disappointment in me. He promised again and again that he was done lying and I would believe him, only to be stabbed again in the back when another lie came out a week or a few weeks later. He kept trying to say it was my fault that he would lie to me and that I was overreacting. No apology involved. He also told his mother about the argument even though we discussed in the past that it was not right to do because he only would tell a small portion of the story and of course, he makes himself look like the victim and I'm the one in the bad light. Plus she almost caused us to break up back when we were just dating because of him running to her after fights and she would give him terrible advice to leave me because of the one-sided stories she would hear. Last year when that happened, he would pretend to be all loving and happy with me but then run to his mom if we had the slightest of arguments. For example, if we set some boundaries for ourselves and he wasn't consistent with them, I would confront him. He would tell his mother a terrible version of it and she spun up that I was abusive. So they would talk behind my back like this over lies while he smiled in my face. That's when I knew he could put on such facades and lie so easily. I should have left then, I saw the signs, but I was a fool. There was a part of me that suspected this would happen one day, not the ghosting because never in my dreams would I have imagined him being this evil, but I had a feeling this might not work out. I mean I was always questioning my reality and him especially when he would lie and tell me I was imagining things while swearing on his life, my life, our future unborn children, his parent's life, and on Jesus that was telling the truth. Only later find out he was actually lying and I wasn't imagining it. I mean I gave him my trust again and again, which was so hard for me to do in the first place, and he just kept shattering it even knowing how much it hurt me. So I told him I needed some space for the evening and I said I don't know if I can keep doing this (which he took and ran with even though I said it in the heat of the moment when I was hurt, we have both said things like that before in arguments and didn't mean it) and I asked him to get a hotel just for the night, which he did. The next day, I go into work and I receive one single text telling me I made one small thing into a huge deal. He would try to gaslight me at times and he was HUGE at twisting the role and playing the victim. I responded with the reasons why it was not okay for him to keep lying to me because it hurts me so much and why it wasn't just "one small thing," because behind that lie, so many other issues were there too. I didn't get a response. He usually would text me all day everyday and would be so loving and attentive so it was odd. So I went home that day expecting him to be there to talk about it. I arrive home and his truck isn't there. I walk inside and all of his stuff is moved out and gone. He put a photo of the two of us face down on the table and smashed our Bonsai that we called the Bonsai of Love because it was supposed to resemble our relationship. I called and called and texted and texted yet no response. I was begging him to come home to talk. I apologized for getting upset the night prior and that I just want him back home with me. I just couldn't understand how he could do this. It was all delivering too so I wasn't blocked. It wasn't until 10pm when he blocked me after I texted asking why hasn't he blocked me if he's really done? That was me trying to find hope in the situation that maybe he would return and that's why he didn't block me. Well after that, I was blocked. His mother also removed me from the family group chat. It made me wonder if he was just sitting back and laughing at my pleads for a response and possibly even sharing my distraught and sad messages to others. I suspect his mother played a huge role again because again, she almost caused a break up last year because of getting involved and turning him against me with the knowledge he shared, just enough knowledge to make me the villain. It has been two days and I have been ghosted by my fiancé. He also did this the day of my best friend's wedding rehearsal (I'm her maid of honor) and her wedding was yesterday (which he ghosted them for as well). Imagine how hard it is giving a speech for your best friend and her lovely fiancé, now her husband, when you were just horribly ghosted from your own a day prior and are now single. His empty chair was taunting me the whole time too, it was so hard especially with the love songs but I had to pretend to be happy for them. He was such a coward that he never even gave me an explanation or an apology or a goodbye. He ghosted his ex in the past when leaving her yet he at least gave her a phone call. Our relationship was much, much more serious and significant than that was too (theirs seemed more like a high-school type relationship) yet I still received nothing. We lived together, were engaged, spent every second together when we weren't at work, we had so many vacations planned (a weekend away to Lake George next week and an Alaskan cruise next month), on each other's insurance plans & phone bills & renters insurance & even pet insurance, we had a retirement plan set up, we were so close, things were so good because we meshed so well together. Yes, we argued here and there but every couple does, especially those that spend so much time together but his lies were what caused the most distress especially because the negative impact carried on for so long. I have my own issues as does he but he always said we would work through them together and that I never have to worry about him leaving. I would always put him and his needs before me. I would wake up a lot earlier than I have to in order to make him breakfast and lunch for his work day before I started getting ready for work myself and I would just throw something together sloppy, real quick for me. I was so good to him. Again, I do have my flaws and we argued at times but most of the time things were so wonderful. And what really blows my mind is that just days prior to this, he was telling me he wanted our wedding to be in October, we were both planning to move to Colorado and have been getting interviewed for jobs, how excited he was, he would tell me daily again and again that he loved me so much unconditionally, was fully committed to me for the rest of my life, and that he would never leave me. Then he did this. After so much time together, after I brought him into my home, my life... he couldn't even give me the respect or decency to communicate to me. I thought God brought this man into my life, the one I thought I was waiting for. Now I can't help but feel angry at God. He would call me his best friend, soulmate, his entire future. He promised away his life to me like I did mine. I guess it never meant anything to him. How could you treat someone you claim to care for and love like this? It is hard because I know he loved me, I do think if he didn't have his mother in his ear, he wouldn't have done this. But either way, he did do it. He is awful and she is just as bad. I hope karma comes their way. He knows I have abandonment issues and trauma yet he did this without any remorse, it seems. I'll never know.
What kind of monster... I just can't wrap my head around it. No closure. My friends and family are just as shocked and tell me it will hurt for now because it really is mourning a loss but it is a blessing in disguise. That I wouldn't have been happy in a marriage full of lies and distrust. All I know is that I am hurting really bad still. I am hoping I feel better soon. I have never experienced this kind of treatment or hurt before.
tl;dr My fiancé moved out without my knowledge when I was away at work for the day and he has since ghosted and blocked me without any communication. This was two days ago. What do I do? I miss him and our relationship. But I don't think he's coming back. How do I cope?
submitted by DifficultSquash3459 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:26 Orange_Menace1 Randyll Tarly - Blackfyre Supporter (my first theory)

Randyll Tarly - Blackfyre Supporter (my first theory)
Note: I started writing this and it got away from me. Rather than fill in the unfinished points, I've just left them there for everyone to consider

Preface

Randyll Tarly on a first read through is a jerk. He tortures Sam, insults Brienne, implements draconian justice and downplays the golden company threat. Prima-Facie, he is a violent commander with little political cunning.
Except for his results. By the end of ADWD
· He receives accolades for every battle fought (I hold fire on the term won)
· He holds the queen in his custody.
· He has a voice at council
· He secured his chosen heir in defiance of westrosi customs
If we assume these things didn’t happen by chance, we can re-examine some of his older achievements, actions, and then try to sort out his motives.

Randyll Tarly as a Commander

Roberts Rebellion

Battle of Ashford

Context: The battle of Ashford was Roberts one defeat in his rebellion. Tarly’s van sailed forward and defeated Roberts host, but the battle was inconclusive. Robert retreated to the stony sept, recovered, regrouped, and when his allies arrived and consolidated forces, used this new army to win the war.

Relevant Sections – directly on point paragraphs:

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion III

Tyrion had to bite his tongue at that. Robb Stark had won more battles in a year than the Lord of Highgarden had in twenty. ~Tyrell's reputation rested on one indecisive victory over Robert Baratheon at Ashford, in a battle largely won by Lord Tarly's van before the main host had even arrived.~

A Storm of Swords - Davos V

"Edric, you ought not boast," Maester Pylos said. "King Robert suffered defeats like any other man. Lord Tyrell bested him at Ashford, and he lost many a tourney tilt as well."

A Storm of Swords - Samwell V

"Your father is an able soldier," King Stannis said. "He defeated my brother once, at Ashford. Mace Tyrell has been pleased to claim the honors for that victory, but Lord Randyll had decided matters before Tyrell ever found the battlefield. He slew Lord Cafferen with that great Valyrian sword of his and sent his head to Aerys." The king rubbed his jaw with a finger. "You are not the sort of son I would expect such a man to have."

A Dance with Dragons - The Griffin Reborn

~He had lost it all at Stoney Sept, in his arrogance.~
~Robert Baratheon had been hiding somewhere in the town, wounded and alone. Jon Connington had known that, and he had also known that Robert's head upon a spear would have put an end to the rebellion, then and there~. He was young and full of pride. How not? King Aerys had named him Hand and given him an army, and he meant to prove himself worthy of that trust, of Rhaegar's love. He would slay the rebel lord himself and carve a place out for himself in all the histories of the Seven Kingdoms.

Other information gleaned from context

· Tarly did not inflict substantial casualties
· Robert won the battle of the trident within a year – Ashford is 282AC and the trident is 283
· Robert fled to and was sheltered in the stony sept, where Jon Connington failed to flush him out. The battle of the bells occurred in 283AC, as did the battle of the trident shortly after

Analysis

Randyll leads the van some distance ahead of the main force, gets into a battle with the rebels, and inflicts minor to moderate casualties before they escape. Tyrell takes the credit.
From a military point of view, if the battle had not been decided before the main force arrived, the war would have likely ended. A much larger force (with assumedly many more horsemen) would have won the battle both more conclusively, and been able to pursue. By all rights, the strategy enforced by Mace Tyrell should have won the war (this theme will come in later in this theory), but for the fact only a fraction of his army engaged far ahead of the main host.
As an aside and jumping ahead a little – Tarly avoids doing this after the blackwater, closing off escape routes and slaughtering everyone. This hints at the fact that Ashford was a tactical mistake.
The first three viewpoints we receive on the battle are of note.
· Tyrion points out the battle was indecisive, and ~decided before the main host arrived~. He focuses on the victory in ‘battle’ as opposed to war.
· Stannis points out how able Randyll is by defeating his brother once at Ashford. Although unable to ascribe any special military strategy to Randyll, he calls him ‘able’ and decided matters before Tyrell arrived. He also flags that Mace Tyrell claimed the honours for the victory and he thinks this undeserved. It’s interesting as it’s Maces host at Ashford, a host that by all rights should have crushed Roberts army in a single battle – given the van alone defeated him. He also ascribes the only kill of note as lord Cafferen
· Maester Pylos points out that Robert lost battles at Ashford and flags it was Tyrell who bested him.
The battle by all appearances, was a farce. Ashford could have ended the war. Arguably, even with the van alone deciding the fight, it very nearly did. Instead, the battle is determined indecisive, there is no ‘impressive kill and capture list’ indicating the host was not captured or killed (as opposed to routed), and Mace has this massive potentially war-ending host not doing much because Robert is in retreat before it arrives.
Furthermore despite all this, Tarly very nearly won the day at Ashford. Robert suffered a serious – but nonfatal wound that seemingly took months (and at least weeks) to recover. The fact that a seriously wounded Robert was able to escape despite distinctive armour and weaponry raises questions of its own.
Finally, when Robert was wounded and hidden in the aftermath whilst he recovered, narratively it allowed JonCon to lay siege to the stony sept. As a parallel, one of the themes I will later touch on is how Tarly changes after this battle, and we know JonCon swears to kill more and become Tywin 2.0. as a direct result of the events at the sept. We see a similar change in Tarly.
It’s also of note that Tarly and Tyrell at this point were on the Targaryen side. This crops up later when we look into other motivations and goals.
Aftermath
So we know that Robert suffers wounds and is somewhat detached from his host (be it they left him in the stoney sept or he scattered off from the main host). We know this as he ends up wounded in the Stoney Sept. After this, the battle of the bells and all the great victories that ended the war occur.
Notably, Tarly has no major military achievements after this battle. Since Mace Tyrell was invested in the siege of Storms end, it can be presumed Tarly was positioned with the main force. The next time we see him is in the battle of 5 kings –

Discussion with Renly – The Siege of Stannis

  • Renly outright ignores Tarly when he says they'll be charging into the sun. In renlys conversation with stannis he points out how overwhelmingly strong his force is and how it will be heavy horse charging into boiled leather. He's not wrong, if the armies clash, stannis will be crushed and waiting is potentially disastrous, as stannis may not engage or slow the whole process down.

Battle of the Blackwater

A Clash of Kings - Sansa VII

They came up the roseroad and along the riverbank, through all the fields Stannis had burned, the ashes puffing up around their boots and turning all their armor grey, but oh! the banners must have been bright, the golden rose and golden lion and all the others, the Marbrand tree and the Rowan~, Tarly's huntsman~ and Redwyne's grapes and Lady Oakheart's leaf. All the westermen, all the power of Highgarden and Casterly Rock! ~Lord Tywin himself had their right wing~ on the north side of the river, with Randyll Tarly commanding the center and ~Mace Tyrell the left,~ but the vanguard won the fight. They plunged through Stannis like a lance through a pumpkin, every man of them howling like some demon in steel. And do you know who led the vanguard? Do you? Do you? Do you?"

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn II

"I told you to hold Riverrun," said Robb. "What part of that command did you fail to comprehend?"
"When you stopped Lord Tywin on the Red Fork," said the Blackfish, "you delayed him just long enough for riders out of Bitterbridge to reach him with word of what was happening to the east. ~Lord Tywin turned his host at once, joined up with Matthis Rowan and Randyll Tarly~ near the headwaters of the Blackwater, and made a forced march to Tumbler's Falls, ~where he found Mace Tyrell and two of his sons waiting with a huge host and a fleet of barges~. They floated down the river, disembarked half a day's ride from the city, and took Stannis in the rear."

We know tywin likes to put his strength on his flanks and in the reserve

Interestingly, Mace is there too, and it’s a tyrell van this time, not tarly
Lord Tywin himself had their right wing on the north side of the river, with Randyll Tarly commanding the center and Mace Tyrell the left, but the vanguard won the fight. They plunged through Stannis like a lance through a pumpkin, every man of them howling like some demon in steel.
ACOK 62: SANSA VII

Analysis

First the parallels. Mace Tyrell is paralleled to Tywin on the two flanks. It is a tyrell in the van who decides the day. Randyll commands the center.
Logistically, the battle is won by Mace Tyrell (whom I love as a character) with a fleet of barges and a huge host already in position (allowing the army to cross quickly enough to intercept the battle of the blackwater). Also the messenger that draws in Tywin’s host comes from Bitterbridge – Tyrell Lands. Given the van wins the battle, there’s a fair argument that Mace could have won the battle alone, albeit with all the support he wins a crushing victory instead.
So Randyll is relegated to an important, but ultimately ancillary position. Whether the battle is won by Tywin or Mace (and by all logistical accounts, it’s Mace), is another question, but the ‘finest soldier in the seven kingdoms’ is once again, somewhat ineffectual. He still commands the center in such a battle, but he displays no logistical or battle prowess in this fight either, just being a renowned commander in the right place at the right time.

Battle of Duskendale

· Lord Randyll defeats a northern army. The army is mostly foot and misplaced
· This time, few excape – XXXX cuts off the retreat.
· Some theories say he was tipped off by Roose Bolton.
· This time he gets the commander
· Figth occurs in FIELDS AND FARMS. Bad terrain for a retreat. Glover TRAPPED against blackwater bay
· Note that Glover had to be captured lest bolton treachery be revealed. Cannot be allowed to send raven.
· Strong implication of a trap and tipoff

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn IV

When they brought him word of the battle at Duskendale, where Lord Randyll Tarly had shattered Robett Glover and Ser Helman Tallhart, he might have been expected to rage.

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion VIII

But who would be mad enough to contest Joffrey's rule now, after what had befallen Stannis Baratheon and Robb Stark? There was still fighting in the riverlands, but everywhere the coils were tightening. Ser Gregor Clegane had crossed the Trident and seized the ruby ford, then captured Harrenhal almost effortlessly. Seagard had yielded to Black Walder Frey, ~Lord Randyll Tarly held Maidenpool, Duskendale, and the kingsroad.~

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion III

"No," their father said. "With the war. Varys."
The eunuch smiled a silken smile. "I have such delicious tidings for you all, my lords. Yesterday at dawn our ~brave Lord Randyll caught Robett Glover outside Duskendale and trapped him against the sea. Losses were heavy on both sides, but in the end our loyal men prevailed. Ser Helman Tallhart is reported dead, with a thousand others. Robett Glover leads the survivors back toward Harrenhal in bloody disarray, little dreaming he will find valiant Ser Gregor and his stalwarts athwart his path."~

A Storm of Swords - Tyrion I

"Until Lord Redwyne brings his fleet up, we lack the ships to assail Dragonstone. It makes no matter. Stannis Baratheon's sun set on the Blackwater. ~As for Stark, the boy is still in the west, but a large force of northmen under Helman Tallhart and Robett Glover are descending toward Duskendale. I've sent Lord Tarly to meet them, while Ser Gregor drives up the kingsroad to cut off their retreat.~ Tallhart and Glover will be caught between them, with a third of Stark's strength."

A Storm of Swords - Catelyn IV

When they brought him word of the battle at Duskendale, where ~Lord Randyll Tarly had shattered Robett Glover and Ser Helman Tallhart,~ he might have been expected to rage. Instead he'd stared in dumb disbelief and said, "Duskendale, on the narrow sea? Why would they go to Duskendale?" He'd shook his head, bewildered. "A third of my foot, lost for Duskendale?"
"The ironmen have my castle and now the Lannisters hold my brother," Galbart Glover said, in a voice thick with despair. Robett Glover had survived the battle, but had been captured near the kingsroad not long after.

A Feast for Crows - Brienne II

Lord Randyll Tarly had commanded Joffrey's army, made up of westermen and stormlanders and knights from the Reach. Those men of his who had died here had been carried back inside the walls, to rest in heroes' tombs beneath the septs of Duskendale. The northern dead, far more numerous, were buried in a common grave beside the sea. Above the cairn that marked their resting place, the victors had raised a rough-hewn wooden marker. HERE LIE THE WOLVES was all it said. Brienne stopped beside it and said a silent prayer for them, and for Catelyn Stark and her son Robb and all the men who'd died with them as well.



Analysis

Firstly we start with the obvious comparison. Tarly lets Robert escape when Mace otherwise very nearly won the war. Given another chance, Randyll pins his enemy against the sea and plans to not let a man escape. Having somewhat surrounded the opponent on known land, with reinforcements (Clegane) behind him, he still manages to suffer heavy casualties, and the target (XXXX) escapes.
What a colossal mistake. The only good news is he intercepted enough of the force that it seems no ravens got sent off showing exactly what happened, as if one message got back, the whole red wedding could have been undone.
Now prior posts have analyzed duskendale about allowing paths of retreat, and number of losses, but I think there are three key takeaways
1) The stark contrast between this and his tactics at Ashford
2) The fact that he failed to capture the host and Gregor Clegane had to clean up the mess
3) The fact he suffered heavy losses when by all rights he had every advantage (and still failed to capture the army)
Interestingly, the message that gets to Robb is that Tarly shattered glover. The actual message from Varys is only 1000 were killed, with Tallhart. Now its difficult to say how many foot there were, but it’s not unreasonable to assume that 1000 is less than to around half the force. Clegane captures Glover in the aftermath (thankfully), and Robb gets the report that Tarly shattered the force, when in actuality a good chunk of it was Clegane.
As a sidenote- this is indicative that Clegane actually isn’t a bad commander, and in turn this makes the fact that Edmure Tully threw him back more impressive.
We also don’t hear of any captives other than the ones taken by Clegane. It appears Tarly is putting men to the sword (SEE EARLIER).
Now before we get into conspiracy theories, we see Glover in ADWD conspiring with Madderly to help the starks and Stannis, so it seems this was not some cunning scheme where he secretly got himself captured.
Interestingly, the graves Brienne sees seem to indicate a crushing victory for Tarly, like the one described by Robb. This however is at odds with the report of Varys, and the fact Clegane had to mop up the leftover army. Now there are a few possibilities for this. Varys could be wrong/lying, heavy losses is being thrown around as a relative term (but that seems suspect), or the total of Tarly dead and Clegane’s role is being hidden. The last seems the most likely, Robb hears of a crushing defeat led by Tarly not Clegane (which we know is at least partially false), the dead he kills don’t add up, and there’s no mention of Clegane whom definitely did some of the work.
Also even assuming the whole situation is true and Tarly killed men at a 2/1 ratio, this assumes there are 500 heroes tombs under the septs at Duskendale. Simply put, there may not be that many. The whole aftermath stinks of a coverup. Tarly is getting Cleganes credit (and interestingly, it’s around now that Tywin decides not to give Clegane to oberyn).
Finally we get to the tinfoily bit. Helman garrisoned with Walder Frey to make sure he kept peace. Of the two lords, Helman is arguably more problematic, he knows more of Frey habits (when Tywin is scheming a betrayal) and his nephew is a possible hornwood claimant (cough Roose cough). If there was a conspiracy to kill one and ransom the other – I can see a world where Talhart is the one to be killed. In all reality though, this is a bit too ambitious, and in reality one just died and one escaped – without some super scheme that Tarly was involved in.
So in summary – once again Tarly fails his mission. At best, he bloodies an out of position army whilst taking heavy casualties, with his reinforcements on the way, and half the army breaks free (admittedly into Clegane). This is not a great display of prowess. We also know its possible to capture these men as hostages, as Clegane successfully does so – and Tarly fails to once again. Now it’s not catastrophic as the Northerners are bleeding men and trading troops tit for tat is beneficial, but the battle itself (the thing Randyll is in charge of) is highly unimpressive. The strategic victory goes to Tywin, whom in truth entrusts it as much to Gregor Clegane as to Tarly. As it so happens, Clegane delivers and Tarly doesn’t.


A summary as a commander

Talk about failing upwards
· Charging ahead, he is able to turn a crushing win into an indecisive one which ultimately leads to Roberts Rebellion succeeding
· He gives counsel to Renly about the sun when renly knows that the sheer strength of his cavalry makes the issue moot. Renly all but ignores him.
· He doesn’t appear to do much during the battle of the blackwater
· He manages to mess up essentially an ambush at Duskendale despite reinforcements being on the way
· As a result of the 4 above points, he is given, lands, titles, honors and a position on the small council.
Upon actually reviewing his achievements and each individual battle, I’ve 180’d on Tarly. George RR Martin does a great job building him up, and having everyone describe him as a great commander, but actually unpacking his battles, he looks pretty underwhelming. The most important battle he won was Ashford, but that was a strategic catastrophe which otherwise could have potentially let Mace Tyrell win the war. Afterwards he’s carefully managed, with Renly outright dismissing him, Mace keeping the key positions of command in other people’s hands and Tywin going so far as to dispatch a trusted force behind him in the event he fails again – WHICH HE DOES.


Politicks, Loyalties and Conspiracies

There’s a lot to get through so I’m not going to source everything here. Rather, I’ll list dot points, and we will be collecting everything under theories. In time it may be worth sourcing this all, but for now, I want to get something out – so it’ll be shortform
· Historically house is blackfyre
· Renly Sworn NOT STANNIS
· Joined at bitterbridge to Renly
· Shadowbaby and killing others
· VIEWS ON MAESTERS
· Killing Stannis supporters at bitterbridge
· Saving Brienne
· Helping Brienne / Bewilderment
· Views on Women and Strongmen
· Sam, Maesters, the Marches and Strength
· Maidenpool Rulership
· Renown amonst common men
· Downplaying the Golden Company
· Bravosi Debts
· Taking the QUEEN ahead of Mace Tyrell

Theoreis Stemming off Data

The Blackfyre Theory

Let’s assume that Randyll supported the Blackfyres because his house traditionally were Blackfyre Loyalists. This is a little thin on evidence, but quite a few of his actions also support this, lending some credence to the theory
1) He swore to Renly not Stannis.
a. Stannis was 17 or 18 when he held storms end. He is approximately 13 years older than Renly, making Renly 5 at the time. This means that during Roberts Rebellion, for all relevant purposes, Renly was a non-participant, whilst Stannis actively fought against the dragons. If Randyll is a dragon supporter, his repulsion at joining Stannis is apparent.
b. In fact, he goes as far as to kill stannis supporters at bitterbridge to consolidate the reach forces. This is interesting as it contrasts stannis whom takes pains to not kill the karstarks to a man once he realizes their treason.
2) He downplays the golden company
a. At the end of AFWC, Randyll is downplaying the golden company as much as he can. If we assume he is pro-dragon, this gives time for the blackfyre cause to swell, as he delays Kevan Lannister to the best of his ability
3) He hates the Maesters
a. Between the Grand Maester Conspiracy [LINK], lady Dustin’s general hatred of Maesters and Marwyn’s comments about Maesters and Dragons, it seems credible that dragon supporters may have cause to mistrust Maesters. Indeed, we get hints of this from Doran, and a general mistrust of Maesters by some of the lesser lords.
i. "I would need a bucket, with this pain. Thank you, but no. I want my wits about me. I'll have no more need of you tonight."
b. This explains also why he is so determined Sam will not become a Maester and why he drives him to the nights watch. If he is a loyalist, he’s never going to let a member of his family into an enemy order. If Sam is given any sort of free reign in a role other than lord, he’s going to end up a Maester (indeed even at the nights watch he ends up there, despite his protests and fears of his fathers wroth).
4) Do we actually see any trouble in the marches. I don’t think we do and it’s only STANNIS who fears dorne through the marches, not Tarly or Tyrell. In fact, this area is left undefended when they march on the blackwater.
a. I have a sub-theory that despite complaining a lot, we don’t see any real antagonism between Dorne and the reach throughout the series, just some loud complaining that makes us think of antagonism. Oberyn hints at this to Tyrion.
5) Killing Florents
a. Florents have ties to Stannis
b. Florents are Tyrell rivals
c. Florents instantly defect to stannis. Note they were set aside by dragons over highgarden
d. Their protests were denied by King Aegon I, perhaps because the Florents had fought House Targaryen when the Tyrells did not.
e. https://www.reddit.com/asoiaf/comments/3tr6gx/spoilers_all_house_of_the_week_house_florent/
i. Theories florents Green
6) This is of course also consistent with him racing Ahead of Mace Tyrell’s army and having the Tyrell queen taken into his personal custody. Unfortunately, this bodes badly for our lovely doe-eyed Margery. Oh well.
7) ~If it were up to me, I would send them all to the Night's Watch, and Connington with them. The Wall is where such scum belong."~ He’s setting it up so the only legitimate claimant of JonCon’s lands is in fact, JonCon. Obviously a new lord can be appointed, but this suggested move adds legitimacy to the blackfyre cause, removing the heir apparent and putting JonCon back in his ancestral lands without a real challenger.

1) The ‘show of strength / toxic masculinity theory’
a. This theory has to do with Tarly appearing competent millirarily rather than being competent. He doles harsh justice and havy discipline, which in some ways hides his lackluster results as a commander. I should note this is the weakest of the three theories, but it sort of feeds into the other two.
b. This would be indicative of his hatred for Sam. The moment the ‘veil’ of masculinity and strength is lifted, his actual achievements are lackluster
c. After ashford he appears much more brutal than before. We have no indication he was brutal pre Ashford, and post ashford he’s executing enemies, cornering and murdering northmen to a man (as best he can at least) and doling out harsher justice than his peers
d. Every character who speaks of Tarly speaks of his millirary accolades. I think his ‘larger than life’ persona has played at least a part in this, and Tarly looks the part as the veteran commander.
e. I ought to note this theory doesn’t stop Tarly from playing the game of thrones, it just suggests he isn’t an exceptional tactical commander. Logistically, he has always been with the winning side as a vassal, he’s been able to spin every battle to gain honors and accolades, and he has a knack for being in the right place at the right time (declaring for renly early, being in the van at ashford etc.)
f. All that aside, this theory also doesn’t stop Tarly from being a jerk. Given how he acts to Sam and both towards and around Brienne, we are naturally inclined to mislike him as a harsh leader.
2) Not as dumb as he looks theory
a. He’s taken the queen into his personal Custody. We literally heard from Renly back in book 1 – he who holds the XXXX holds the crown. With all the chaos in the recent books, it’s easy to miss, but this is a huge move in the game of thrones. The Tyrells do not have the queen. Tarly does.
b. As far as I can tell, he’s never been at real risk in a battle since Ashford. He had backup and numbers at duskendale, a massive host at the blackwater, The Siege of Storms End was just a great big preservation of army by Mace whilst Roberts rebellion raged, and the Siege on Stannis was totally lopsided but for magic shadow-baby.
c. Dorne does not seem to have acted against him once nor demanded concessions. [CHECK]. For a lord in the Dornish Marches which have been tumultuous for years, this is somewhat of a big deal. He also seems to be unafraid of moving his forced forward – we have no indication he left levies to protect himself from Dorne, hinting that he wasn’t afraid of Dorne misbehaving (even if only to harry border towns, a bit like Bolton grabbing up the hornwood lands).
d. He sucks up to the bravosi Banker when all the debts are being called in. We have this picture of this strong, just, military man, but the banker scene shows he’s not just a sword arm, and he knows when to suck up. This is important as it shows he is at least considering the wider world and the future outside of the battles, as opposed to a certain dwarf whom never actually meets the bankers.
e. He has turned a bunch of mediocre achievements into being renowned as the greatest soldier in the realm. By all rights, Stannis and Robb are much better commanders (with the caveat that Robb was only good tactically). If we want to get nasty, Mace Tyrell has only won crushing victories – with the exception of ashford (messed up by Tarly) and storms end (where he lost no troops in a rebellion that depleted most of the realm).
i. The most competent appearing thing he said was to not charge into the sun, which was largely irrelevant when plated heavy cavalry is charging into boiled leather. As Renly said to Stannis, his force wouldn’t survive first impact, so this whole sun business is a bit silly.
ii. Arguably the most competent thing was executing all the soldiers considering going over to Stannis, but I’m not sure if this is truly competent or just brutality – Stannis did not do the same with the Karstarks in a similar position.
f. He’s bypassed succession laws. By getting rid of Sam he has set himself up with his chosen heir. Look at the thorny knot Tywin tied himself with Tyrion, whom still arguably is the rightful heir to Castelry Rock (which he made full use of with the Second Suns). We know Maesters can be kicked out of the order (see our favourite necromancer), and can be used to play with succession (Aemon is a good example, albeit he said no) and I don’t really see Sam as a priest.
i. There’s actually a good question as to whether he would have killed Sam. The gods hate kinslayers, and the threat sufficed. If we assume tarly isn’t an idiot, he would have realized the threat likely sufficient.
g. Given how he sets himself up at Maidenpool, its hinted that the Maidenpool land is part of his reward for the blackwater. We never hear of exactly ‘what’ Tarly’s reward is, except in the aftermath he’s patrolling Duskendale (still seemingly with house Rykker),, Maidenpool and the kings road, and seems to be setting himself up in Maidenpool for the long haul. In AFFC, Tarly’s heir is married off to Eleanor Mooton (the seeming heiress to maidenpool) and Tommen pardons Moonton. Maidenpool is a major port in the world of Ice and Fire, which would make it a fine reward[[1]](#_ftn1).
1.

Other key takeaways

BRIENNE THING

A Feast for Crows - Brienne III

Randyll Tarly solved the mystery the day he sent two of his men-at-arms to summon her to his pavilion. His young son Dickon had overheard four knights laughing as they saddled up their horses, and had told his lord father what they said.

… "The gods made men to fight, and women to bear children," said Randyll Tarly. "A woman's war is in the birthing bed."
Someone was coming down the cellar steps. Brienne pushed her wine aside as a ragged, scrawny, sharp-faced man with dirty brown hair stepped into the Goose. He gave the Tyroshi sailors a quick look and Brienne a longer one, then went up to the plank. "Wine," he said, "and none o' your horse piss in it, thank'e."

JUSTICE THING


Battle of the Blackwater – a step Sideways



In short
Randyll Tarly is a shrewd Blackfyre loyalist who now has custody of the queen, a position on the small council and whom is not considered a political threat. He’s not half the commander he’s made out to be, probably has anti-maester sentiment and is possibly friendly with Doran Martell. And he has an army.
This has been quite a ride and I’m sure I got many details wrong so let’s end on a high note. Given all this, I expect Randyll to sacrifice Margery and prove ser pounce’s lineage to the age of conquest. Tommen will blindly stamp a document marrying himself to the cat, the white walkers will be appeased (their problem is only humans), and everyone lives happily ever after except for Danerys who dies.
Maidenpool
https://preview.redd.it/4gfx1jxsbd1d1.png?width=217&format=png&auto=webp&s=a6c648fe2853a80f249aeae5546a21b38b4123e9

submitted by Orange_Menace1 to asoiaf [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:24 Open-Key7762 How can I move on?...

The break up was more nonchalant, there was agreement on both sides that it may be best but I also recognize that both our minds may not have been in the right place at the time.
We're both in vulnerable positions, her more than me. A lot of me regrets not waiting to have "the talk" like she'd offered because I was working. I insisted on "ripping the bandaid off" but did this metaphorical bandaid need to come off? Let alone exist?
She doesn't want to talk right now and I understand why, I feel a part of it is that I didn't put up a "fight" to convince her otherwise. We'd been through something like this before, but we worked through it after spending some time away from each other yet having never broken up and that whole ordeal was entirely my own fault. This time is different, I feel like I had no control over what happened; I was asleep (night shift) when two key events happened this time and I wasn't able to be there for her. After the first event, I had decided to take steps so that I could be there. That process is still on going, scheduling changes at my job take time.
After the second event, I had this dread in the back of my mind... I wasn't there to help her because, again, I was asleep for my night shift. All I could think of was that this may be the very last chance I had to be there in a moment of crisis and, again, I had failed to be there to support her.
I'm torn, she's been my one truly real relationship. One who I didn't see as a quick hookup if I had my "urges". I cared about her, and I felt like she cared about me. I felt secure. I had my moments of doubt but those thoughts were quickly put to rest each time when I spoke to her about it.
I fear that there's a very slim chance at reconnecting with her. I just want the pain to go away, I want her pain to go away. I want to talk it out with her and start over from scratch. Our lives have changed drastically since we'd met. I had a change in career and she had been accepted to uni. The stresses of those changes have been hard to work through together, but we were managing. This new crisis just so happened to break the camels back.
submitted by Open-Key7762 to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:24 freakout18 Someone tried to take away puppies and I resisted. AITAH?

So, something crazy happened today that left me pretty shaken. There's a stray dog who gave birth to five puppies right outside my house. Unfortunately, only two of them survived, but now they're thriving( their names are Stepz and Chris Brown). My brother and I absolutely adore these little guys. We live at the end of a quiet street, so there's no danger of cars, and we take care of them—feeding them, giving them water, milk, and sometimes non-veg treats, and also their medication. They're happy and secure here.
Today, I was inside when I heard the puppies crying. I rushed out and saw a man with a huge stick poking around the bushes where they usually sleep. He was with a woman and two kids, also poking with smaller sticks. I ran over and asked what he was doing. He said he was trying to catch a puppy because his kids wanted a new one after their old puppy was hit by a car.
I told him he couldn't take them because I've been taking care of them and they’re practically mine. He got really angry and started subtly threatening me, saying he knew my neighbor, who is involved in local politics (a subtle threat). I told him I knew my neighbor too and that it didn't matter—the puppies weren’t going anywhere.
He got even more furious, tried calling my neighbor, and then banged on my neighbor's door (who didn’t answer). When he came back to me, he started calling me names and threatening me more. He asked why I didn’t keep the puppies inside if I cared so much, but I already have a dog and my parents won’t let me keep them inside permanently. I do let them inside for a few hours a day and also when it's raining or really hot outside. Plus, their mother would be upset if I took them inside away from her.
I eventually convinced him to leave by suggesting there were other puppies in the neighborhood. But before he left, he again threatened me and told me that he would tell my neighbor that I said bad things about him (which I didn't) and then he will "take care of me."
Now, I’m back inside, wondering if I made the right call. Maybe I should have let them take one of the puppies. On one hand, the pup might have a good life. But on the other hand:
I'm really conflicted now, especially since I might have to deal with my mean and aggressive neighbor because of this.
What do you guys think? AITAH?
(If someone want to see them then DM me I will send you their pics.)
submitted by freakout18 to AITAH [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:24 DifficultSquash3459 My fiancé [26,M] ghosted me [25,F] and moved out without a goodbye

My fiancé had a habit of lying to me since day one and I discovered another lie on Thursday, three days ago. It caused an argument and so much frustration, depression, anger, and disappointment in me. He promised again and again that he was done lying and I would believe him, only to be stabbed again in the back when another lie came out a week or a few weeks later. He kept trying to say it was my fault that he would lie to me and that I was overreacting. No apology involved. He also told his mother about the argument even though we discussed in the past that it was not right to do because he only would tell a small portion of the story and of course, he makes himself look like the victim and I'm the one in the bad light. Plus she almost caused us to break up back when we were just dating because of him running to her after fights and she would give him terrible advice to leave me because of the one-sided stories she would hear. Last year when that happened, he would pretend to be all loving and happy with me but then run to his mom if we had the slightest of arguments. For example, if we set some boundaries for ourselves and he wasn't consistent with them, I would confront him. He would tell his mother a terrible version of it and she spun up that I was abusive. So they would talk behind my back like this over lies while he smiled in my face. That's when I knew he could put on such facades and lie so easily. I should have left then, I saw the signs, but I was a fool. There was a part of me that suspected this would happen one day, not the ghosting because never in my dreams would I have imagined him being this evil, but I had a feeling this might not work out. I mean I was always questioning my reality and him especially when he would lie and tell me I was imagining things while swearing on his life, my life, our future unborn children, his parent's life, and on Jesus that was telling the truth. Only later find out he was actually lying and I wasn't imagining it. I mean I gave him my trust again and again, which was so hard for me to do in the first place, and he just kept shattering it even knowing how much it hurt me. So I told him I needed some space for the evening and I said I don't know if I can keep doing this (I know I shouldn't have said it but we have both said similar things in the past during arguments and never meant it) and I asked him to get a hotel just for the night, which he did. The next day, I go into work and I receive one single text telling me I made one small thing into a huge deal. He would try to gaslight me at times and he was HUGE at twisting the role and playing the victim. I responded with the reasons why it was not okay for him to keep lying to me because it hurts me so much and why it wasn't just "one small thing," because behind that lie, so many other issues were there too. I didn't get a response. He usually would text me all day everyday and would be so loving and attentive so it was odd. So I went home that day expecting him to be there to talk about it. I arrive home and his truck isn't there. I walk inside and all of his stuff is moved out and gone. He put a photo of the two of us face down on the table and smashed our Bonsai that we called the Bonsai of Love because it was supposed to resemble our relationship. called and called and texted and texted yet no response. I was begging him to come home to talk. I apologized for getting upset the night prior and that I just want him back home with me. I just couldn't understand how he could do this. It was all delivering too so I wasn't blocked. It wasn't until 10pm when he blocked me after I texted asking why hasn't he blocked me if he's really done? That was me trying to find hope in the situation that maybe he would return and that's why he didn't block me. Well after that, I was blocked. His mother also removed me from the family group chat. It made me wonder if he was just sitting back and laughing at my pleads for a response and possibly even sharing my distraught and sad messages to others. I suspect his mother played a huge role again because again, she almost caused a break up last year because of getting involved and turning him against me with the knowledge he shared, just enough knowledge to make me the villain. It has been two days and I have been ghosted by my fiancé. He also did this the day of my best friend's wedding rehearsal (I'm her maid of honor) and her wedding was yesterday (which he ghosted them for as well). Imagine how hard it is giving a speech for your best friend and her lovely fiancé, now her husband, when you were just horribly ghosted from your own a day prior and are now single. His empty chair was taunting me the whole time too, it was so hard especially with the love songs but I had to pretend to be happy for them. He was such a coward that he never even gave me an explanation or an apology or a goodbye. He ghosted his ex in the past when leaving her yet he at least gave her a phone call. Our relationship was much, much more serious and significant than that was too (theirs seemed more like a high-school type relationship) yet I still received nothing. We lived together, were engaged, spent every second together when we weren't at work, we had so many vacations planned (a weekend away to Lake George next week and an Alaskan cruise next month), on each other's insurance plans & phone bills & renters insurance & even pet insurance, we had a retirement plan set up, we were so close, things were so good because we meshed so well together. Yes, we argued here and there but every couple does, especially those that spend so much time together but his lies were what caused the most distress especially because the negative impact carried on for so long. I have my own issues as does he but he always said we would work through them together and that I never have to worry about him leaving. I would always put him and his needs before me. I would wake up a lot earlier than I have to in order to make him breakfast and lunch for his work day before I started getting ready for work myself and I would just throw something together sloppy, real quick for me. I was so good to him. Again, I do have my flaws and we argued at times but most of the time things were so wonderful. And what really blows my mind is that just days prior to this, he was telling me he wanted our wedding to be in October, we were both planning to move to Colorado and have been getting interviewed for jobs, how excited he was, he would tell me daily again and again that he loved me so much unconditionally, was fully committed to me for the rest of my life, and that he would never leave me. Then he did this. After so much time together, after I brought him into my home, my life... he couldn't even give me the respect or decency to communicate to me. I thought God brought this man into my life, the one I thought I was waiting for. Now I can't help but feel angry at God. He would call me his best friend, soulmate, his entire future. He promised away his life to me like I did mine. I guess it never meant anything to him. How could you treat someone you claim to care for and love like this? It is hard because I know he loved me, I do think if he didn't have his mother in his ear, he wouldn't have done this. But either way, he did do it. He is awful and she is just as bad. I hope karma comes their way. He knows I have abandonment issues and trauma yet he did this without any remorse, it seems. I'll never know.
What kind of monster... I just can't wrap my head around it. No closure. My friends and family are just as shocked and tell me it will hurt for now because it really is mourning a loss but it is a blessing in disguise. That I wouldn't have been happy in a marriage full of lies and distrust. All I know is that I am hurting really bad still. I am hoping I feel better soon. I have never experienced this kind of treatment or hurt before.
tl;dr My fiancé moved out without my knowledge when I was away at work for the day and he has since ghosted and blocked me without any communication. This was two days ago. What do I do? I miss him and our relationship. But I don't think he's coming back. How do I cope?
submitted by DifficultSquash3459 to u/DifficultSquash3459 [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:18 pillowcase-of-eels [Music] Emilie Autumn's Asylum, pt. 6 – High-concept musician responds to online criticism by waging successful attrition war against her own fanbase

🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1Part 4.2 Part 5
Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)
Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.
You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)
In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...
Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)
...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:
If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.
(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)
Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!
Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)
Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.
The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)
Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...
I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)
...and I do mean everyone:
Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)
It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.
From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)
Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.
Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)
The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?
...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)
...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...
She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)
...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠
I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).
The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)
The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS


submitted by pillowcase-of-eels to HobbyDrama [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:16 Adventurous_End_7650 A video shooter's perspective on R5 (+ settings)

In the past four weeks, I've deep-dived into the ideal Video settings for my R5. I was never happy with what the camera gave me, so I want to share the following insights just in case they may benefit some of you. It's going to be a bit long winded, read on if you're a nerd and perfectionist like me... Shout out to Jason of Points in Focus on YouTube, as well as Rodrigo Pollo, Josh Sattin and Todd Dominey, who were some of my many sources. There's also a Redditor that has highlighted the wonkiness of Cinema Gammut colors (hi!) and I agree with them.
  1. Shoot in LOG – IMO, yes, you should. Only this unlocks 10 Bit 4:2:2 which grades really well and runs smoothly provided you're on Silicone machines. Arguably, 10 Bit 4:2:2 h265 in LOG was the true game changing feature the R5 brought into the market, so take advantage.
  2. For LOG post production, the Canon LUTs work well if you expose as Canon thinks you should. This gets technical quickly and if you just follow the ETTR dogma, Canon's LUTs will clip your highlights into oblivion. A proper CST workflow in Resolve works better but is complicated for novices. In any case, you will have to test your exposure / CST / LUT workflow so I highly recommend you get yourself familiarised with Zebras and False Color tools (if you use an external monitor). The histogram on the R5 is absolutely useless for video exposure. Clipped highlights, not noisy shadows, are the biggest weakness of the R5's image, in my opinion.
  3. But which LOG flavour and color space? This comes down to your taste, but I have found the following produces the most natural looking footage. I shoot CLOG 1 / BT 2020 at a base ISO of 400. Like everyone else, I jumped on the CLOG 3 / Cinema Gammut Train when the firmware update hit, but I just didn't like the footage 90% of the time. It is proven that the sensor's dynamic range in photography mode is better at ISO 400 than it is at 800 (not surprising) in the Electronic shutter mode (which is what the R5 also uses for video). It's not a huge difference from 800 to 400, but it's there - half to one stop. This was also revealed in the CineD tests – both of them, the initial one as well as the one when they re-tested with CLOG 3. In the manual, Canon claims that CLOG 3 has more dynamic range then CLOG – in theory, maybe. The curve may be designed to give more DR. But on the R5? None of the tests you can find online have properly proven this. The DR is distributed differently, but not necessarily increased. There ARE tests, however, that show the sensor performs better at ISO 400 - so that's what I go with. Bonus: Why not use BT 709? Well, that would defeat the purpose of capturing LOG at 10 Bit 4:2:2 in the first place. You would be throwing out a bunch of color information already at capture.
  4. There can be severe horizontal Banding in underexposed areas. When I first saw this, I couldn't believe my eyes (check out Josh Sattin's comparison of Z8 with R5 on YouTube to see what I mean). A 5K€ camera was producing big horizontal chunky lines of banding running across the image. I contacted Canon and they claimed not to be able to see anything. WTF. I thought my camera was broken. Then I found this in the manual: With Canon Log, movies may be affected by horizontal banding, depending on the subject or shooting conditions. So I didn't imagine things. It's right there. In. The. Manual. To avoid this, expose correctly. In practical use, a non issue, but still leaves a bitter taste.
  5. Cinema Gammut, avoid. In my experience, it gives crazy saturation to red, magenta, orange. It may be a wider color space than 2020, but it can look extremely unnatural. I had rare occasions where it did work well, for example with greens and blues, but skin tones were always a pain point. (If you do want to use CLOG 3 and Cinema Gammut, I suggested you go to -1 saturation in the Canon Log Settings.) I realise this point is the most subjective, so if you have a great CineGammut workflow running, I applaud you!
  6. External Recording – it may work for some of you, but I never bothered. What turns me off the Ninjas is their cost, the noisy fan and hunger for batteries as well as bulk and weight. I shoot mostly Gimbal work nowadays and every gram counts. I bit the bullet and got the fastest Card on the market for internal shooting. If you do use Ninjas, note this: The HDMI interface on the R5 is version 2.0 and it does NOT transmit Cinema Gammut correctly, so set to BT 2020. You will still have to mess around with the legalize settings and post-production hassle (ProRes RAW doesn't work on the dominant Color grading software, Resolve). For me it's a no. Bonus: Make sure your HDMI cable is at least a 2.0 version!
  7. Sound: Manual recording set to a quarter strength gives you the best audio dynamic range (nod to Jason of Points in Focus, who tested this). Run your mic hot-ish and you'll be fine at this level, it works well with the Rode or Sennheiser video mics. If audio is important for you, AVOID IPB Light as it uses compressed AAC audio. The non-compressed LPCM at 48 Khz / 16 Bit that you get with ALL-I, RAW, IPB is pretty decent and noise-free.
  8. I can't stress this enough: avoid Auto White Balance! The R5 dials in aggressive amounts of Tint "correction" to combat any perceived color shifts. It just doesn't work well at all unless you're in perfectly clean 6500K daylight. If you shoot LOG h265, getting White Balance right is critical to getting good skintones. Log doesn't mean RAW, you ARE baking color into the image. Unfortunately the Custom WB function is a mess in R5 for video, but you can actually eyeball this quite well off a monitor, if said monitor is set up correctly with a LUT. I use a color meter (LUMU Power 2) to verify, and it helps.
  9. Rolling Shutter. 8K RAW as well as 4K HQ give you the most rolling shutter at about 15 ms and this is certainly visible in faster paced Gimbal work. Rolling shutter drops to around 9 ms in regular 4K, which is what I now use for Gimbal work. Though it's not a full halving, it's a significant, visible improvement for any panning. I still shoot talking heads in 4K HQ as the Rolling shutter is not an issue with static work. As for my Canon Log settings, I go +1 sharpening for 4K HQ and +3 for regular 4K. That matches them reasonably well.
  10. 12-Bit RAW has about another half to one stop more DR in the highlights, but is also tougher and more fiddly to grade than the 10 Bit H265. It also defaults to CineGammut so it has the same tendency towards saturated reds. (CRAW gets decoded by default as CineGammut in Resolve.) I tend to prefer the look of the 10 Bit 4:2:2 shot in BT 2020 in terms of color. If you do shoot RAW, I again recommend setting to CLOG 1 in camera – not because that Log curve gets baked into the image (it doesn't), but because it unlocks you ISO 400 shooting. RAW capture at ISO 400 in Clog 1 will then allow you to decode in Resolve using the CLOG 2 curve at ISO 400 and reach the theoretical maximum of DR in terms of any video material from the R5.
Point 11 was going to be a wishlist for better features etc. but then I realised, I could buy a R5C... But honestly, the crappy battery performance of that camera really is a deal breaker for me.
Sorry for the long post but I really hope this may help some of you. Good luck and happy shooting!
submitted by Adventurous_End_7650 to CanonR5 [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:13 Radiant-Bear4172 Controlled Burn [6]

the next chapter is here hope you enjoy! (no your not insane I posted it before but messed it up)
huge thanks to Objective-Farm-2560 for helping with my spelling and gramma and suggesting a few edits
[First]-[Previous]-[Next]
Memory Transcription Subject: Vaill, Venlil Rescue
Date [standardized human time]: November 29, 2136
The cattle pens of the humans were better than the Arxur's, but a pen they were nevertheless. I wanted to go outside and see the sun of my home but they wouldn't let me. They were no better than the Arxur.
Seeing Annek again was good. I was glad that she made it out of the raid that took me, but she had fallen for Andrew’s trickery. it was so obviously using her… I hoped I could make her see the truth. She was too pure for the likes of any predator.
They wouldn’t even let me use a holopad, but that was to be expected from these predators, they were trying to hide what they had done to my planet. Their taint has undoubtedly spread everywhere by now.
The room that they had me in was a private room, the walls were white with a rather high ceiling, and the vents were too high to climb into in this room. I wondered if my rank in the guild was the reason I got my own room?
Annek hadn’t left my side since she found out it was me. It was nice to talk again, even if that human was around.
Had she even told it what my job was, or how high-ranking I was in that job?
“Annek.. D-did you tell your predator what I do?” I asked nervously, afraid that she'd been tricked into revealing the threat I posed to the humans.
“I thought it best not too, considering how the Exterminators are toward the humans. I want you both to like one another.”
“D-do you really t-think that I w-would ever like a predator?”
“You promised me that you would give him a chance!” she cried, sounding hurt.
I never meant to hurt her.
“A-and I have given it a chance.”
“Vaill, you have blocked him at every turn,” she sighed in sadness. “I know it's hard to trust them but they haven’t done anything to hurt us. In fact the only people hurt during the exchange program were humans. They are the one who freed you and the other cattle!”
Of course she would think that. They are playing the long game to make us think we are safe, all they wanted was more cattle.
“W-why wouldn’t I? They are p-predators,” I pointed out to her.
It was then Andrew walked into the room, walking over to Annek and kneeling next to her. I was scared it was going to hurt her. It hadn’t been here for a few claws, which was a bit relieving. But that dread had returned as it walked in, making my instincts flare up.
I need to rid the world of this predator as soon as I can.
“Andrew! Where have you been?” Annek threw herself around the human, wrapping it in a hug.
Why would she do that? Why would anyone ever hug a predator? I didn’t understand what had gotten into her. Before I was taken she never would have acted like this.
I can’t fail her. I have to help her see the truth, these humans can’t be trusted.
“Sorry Annek, I was just trying to give Vaill some space to come to terms with everything, seeing as so much has changed in the time he's been gone.” The way it spoke almost seemed sincere. I could see how someone uneducated on predators could believe that they meant well.
“D-do you really expect me t-to believe that?” I antagonized. I was not going to fail for its tricks.
“Vaill, what do I have to do to prove that I mean no harm to you?” The predator asked, determined to get me to let my guard down. “Annek has told you, we have spent the last 5 months together and I've done nothing toward her.”
It took a few steps to me, making my fur puff out in fear again. I pushed back on the bed trying to make any distance.
Why did I show it my weakness again? I was lucky with the Arxur but this human… I don't think I’ll be as lucky.
“W-why are you getting closer to me?”
He stopped as I spoke, realizing that his ruse of sympathy wouldn't work. “Vaill, I’m not out to get you, you’re Annek’s friend, so as far as I'm concerned you're mine as well.”
“I pulled some strings and I've gotten you a holopad,” and it held out a holopad, just like it said.
Why..? Why would it give me anything..? It has nothing to gain from it… but it’s doing it anyway?? I don’t understand.. I can’t have been wrong about humans. I saw what they did! It has to be putting on a show for Annek, that’s the only reason it would do this.
I hastily took it from its paws and looked through the news, and what I saw was devastating. There were hundreds of thousands of these predators on Venlil Prime. My home was truly lost to these fiends. I typed in ‘Exterminators’ to see what I could find, and to my relief I saw that we were still putting up some sort of fight with our offices trying to repel this predator incursion. Not everyone had lost their minds and been lured. Thank the stars.
“Vaill, a lot has changed, but we are not your enemy.” Since Annek hadn’t told it about my job, I thought that I might as well get it over with now so it would stop trying to extend this false paw of friendship.
“P-predator, has A-Annek told you what I do for a job?”
The deceitful monster looked confused by the question. “No, she hasn’t. Why do you ask?”
“I’m-I’m an exterminator,” I revealed. “A-a prestige one at that.”
Andrew was somehow undeterred by the revelation, not scared in the slightest. “Vaill I see what you're trying to do, you're not gonna shake me off that easily. I want you to get better, I don't care what you think of me or my people.”
Why does its words seem sincere? I can’t be wrong about them, they are evil. But how is it showing empathy? IT'S A BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTER HOW CAN IT IMITATE EMPATHY SO WELL?!
“I.. I d-don't get why you t-treat your cattle so well and honey us with fake e-empathy...” I whimpered, not wanting to believe its lies.
Annek looked a mix of angry and disappointed. “VAILL! Stop talking to Andrew like that, he has done nothing but try to be nice to you!” she spoke righteously.
Had what I said really upset Annek that much? I never wanted to upset her, but I can't let her be blind to the predator's threat. I can’t fail, not again.
“Annek he’s not gonna change in one day,” Andrew said with far too much patience for a predator. “Oh er, I mean paw.”
“I know but… I wish he would see how sweet you are” she sighed and… nuzzled up to it??
She is so blind to its lies. It's like she can’t be convinced to come back to the light.. I don’t get it. Why does she like it? Why does she care about it? I don’t understand how. She was my best friend. I have to save her.
“Vaill, please give him a proper chance,” she said, almost looking as if she was going to cry. “He won’t hurt you or anyone else, you have to trust me.”
“H-how would you k-know it's not just waiting for a chance to jump you?” I retorted. I had to make her see the truth.
“Please, just trust me, there is nothing malicious about Andrew,” she tried again, desperate to convince me of her point of view.
Why was she so adamant that it would do nothing? She had done nothing but defend it. It made no sense.
“H-how do you know that this tainted p-predator isn’t w-waiting until you let your guard d-down,” I replied. I wasn’t going to let her, my only friend, left get herself killed. “Annek p-please, see the obvious truth!”
Her tail wrapped around Andrews wrist as she glared at me. If looks could kill, I’d be dead. What had it done to convince her that it meant no harm? What had happened?
“Vaill!” Annek shouted, sounding furious. Why? All I had done was try to expose its lies.
Andrew placed a hand on her shoulder, contaminating her with his vile taint. “Annek, he's been through a lot, don't get upset with him.”
Why was it acting so level headed...? It was a predator, and no predator was capable of such logic and reasoning.
No I can’t be wrong about them.. I can’t be...
It felt like I was losing Annek… she’s the last thing I had.. I couldn’t fail her... I CAN’T. But she won’t see the truth…
My eyes started to feel wet as tears slipped out. I buried my eyes in my paws and softly sobbed, as I heard two sets of pawsteps walking towards me. Wordlessly I felt Annek wrap her arm around me.. And… another set of arms? Strong, warm and furless?
I knew whose arms it was. My instincts screamed for me to get away but… it felt good? Anneks arms and its gentle embrace was comforting. This was so wrong and so right.
Maybe I was wrong… No, it’s a predator! I can’t be wrong!
…Can I?
[First]-[Previous]-[Next]
submitted by Radiant-Bear4172 to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:10 Training-Cook3507 Current Israeli leadership and its supporters are incapable of ever solving this conflict

People have biases. It's natural and expected. I listened to a podcast yesterday about the Irish Potato Famine. The podcaster was Irish and began with a disclaimer that he may not be able to see the issue clearly because of his heritage.
Jews are often very successful people. Part of the reason for their persecution in past centuries is because they are often a successful minority population, and their success creates a target for repressive regimes. They traditionally have not faced an outrageous amount of discrimination in the US and hence have acquired a good deal of power in the most powerful country in the world. They represent under 2.5% of the population, but are disproportionally represented in positions of power and the media. Half of the NY Times Opinion writers are Jewish or have Jewish people in their family.
Because of this power, they dominate the narrative around Israel in the US. There simply aren't many Palestinian billionaires entering the conversation to influence the argument and there seems to be endless pro-Israeli ones. And they're predictably very biased. While there has been a long history regarding the conflict in recent centuries, as of now, the root of the problem is very simple... the Palestinians don't have the right of self-determination. They're basically controlled by Israel. Those in the West Bank definitely are controlled by Israel and Gaza was locked down so tightly (outside of the terrorist attack) that they weren't allowed an airport or sea access, they could not control their own economy, etc. It was basically a small city isolated from the world by Israel. People will bring up the PA but they have very little power. Palestinians can barely travel miles in the West Bank without going through an Israeli controlled checkpoint. If you believe the Palestinians do have the right of self-determination... then ask yourself.... why is there even a conversation about a "Two State Solution"? If the Palestinians control themselves, they have a state. But they don't.
Israel is an apartheid state, it's pretty hard to argue against that idea. You have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to get to a place where you think this situation is fine. Usually, it involves blaming the Palestinians for not being perfect. But no population of repressed people in their state would be, especially one as highly educated as they are. If you listen to the pro-Israeli side you would think the Palestinians have this horrific history of violence and are basically untamable. They have been military controlled by Israel since 1967. You know how many Israelis they've killed? Maybe 3 to 5k. Every death is a tragedy, but Israel has easily killed 10x that. Hamas took 100 hostages or so during the attacked, Israel has taken magnitudes more from the West Bank since this conflict started. But no one with power really advocates for the Palestinians. Israel gives some reason which could be real or fabricated to justify their actions, and those in power immediately accept it.
Many pro-Israeli people are simply unable to ever see the truth in this situation. 5 million Palestinians are just not going to ever accept being repressed and living without the right of self-determination. But most of the pro-Israeli arguments make that expectation as a foundation. Any real debate regarding this situation must begin with a discussion and plan on how to give Palestinians the right of self-determination to make any traction whatsoever, but that is usually ignored in popularized discussion, because Palestinians are not their primary concern. People like Sam Harris describe themselves as the pinnacle of reason, but he is fundamentally unable to sympathize with the Palestinians and always comes back to the idea of antisemitism and Muslim violence. Same with Eli Lake, Brett Stephens, etc. They're Jewish and biased, and will side with any pro-Israeli explanation.
The Palestinians will eventually receive the right of self-determination and it will come from international pressure, but that may take decades to even 50 years or more. Whether Israel is scorned in any way for this, is another question. Likely not. But to be sure, those advocating for Palestinian rights will be proven right, eventually, and people will run video clips of the people advocating pro-Israeli arguments in the same way people highlight the people advocating the Iraq war decades ago.
But people in power are often very sensitive to their own causes and insensitive to those of their enemies. It's common and predictable. And Palestinians have very little power in the most powerful country in the world, while the pro-Israeli side does... to the point that laws advocating to control speech are being proposed and coming close to pass.
Most of the pro-Israeli arguments are logical fallacies and distractions. Why does everyone in the US concentrate on Israel when there are other repressive regimes around the world? Because the pro-Israeli people advocate for US aid and power and thus bring it to the country's attention. No one in the US pays attention to atrocities happening in Africa because no one with power is advocating for either side in the US. People will bring up the point that no other minority is treated like the Jews in the US or the focus of hate speech and that is 100% untrue. There are neo nazi and anti LGBTQ marches all the time... people just don't take them seriously. And much of the antisemitism talk is very overblown. The word has become meaningless in the US. Unless you're actually bringing up examples of Jews being systematically discriminated against because of their Jewishness... it's best to ignore the word. Which is a shame, because there is real antisemitism in the US too. But it's gotten to a point where using any word they frown upon is labeled as antisemitism. They're used to dominating the narrative to the point where they can control conversation and take exception to any infringement on that power. "From the River to the Sea"? That phrase was in the Likud party manifesto! But because that means infringement upon the Palestinian people, it's ok and tolerated. Palestinians are Semites! But the pro-Israeli voice has dominated the conversation so much they hijacked that term to only mean discrimination against Jews because the Palestinians don't matter.
Pro-Israeli society has too much pride and power to tell themselves the truth and admit they've made mistakes. The history is of Israel is taught to them in an extremely biased way that turns Palestinians into the enemy and themselves as blameless victims. You can't make a compromise when you're taught and expect to be blameless and shown preference in every way. They've never offered the Palestinians a fully independent state free of Israeli control, because they feel uneasy with even the slightest security risk or uncomfortableness and their preferences are more important than the Palestinian right of self-determination.
Netanyahu is obviously a smart man, but he and his leadership team simply don't possess the sophistication to see and lead their country through this crisis successfully. And unfortunately, I'm afraid he's a product of Israeli society. Israel is functioning like other emerging countries with a national identity have in the past, the problem is that they're about 100 years behind current international standards of a 1st world country.
submitted by Training-Cook3507 to thedavidpakmanshow [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:06 anxietybee- I have actually beat myself up at this point and I don't know how to end the friendship

A few days ago we fought from 1:30a till about 8am. We have lengthy arguments like this all the time. We used to date, and it played a key role in the end of our relationship along with us having different values in general. I made it clear before we started dating I can't handle much fighting, particularly yelling, because of aspects of my childhood.
✨️ TLDR AHEAD
Two fights happened on my two birthdays- or before other important things like it's the night before a road trip or I'm ON the road trip. They happen when I want to go to bed or I'm about to run an errand. He monologs for literal hours at a time, and I can't speak up when he speaks incorrectly on my part because then I'm interrupting him and that causes more issues than me being misunderstood or remembered incorrectly.
In our relationship they were often caused by me not wanting him to pay my for my phone/phone bill before we'd been dating for even 3 months, though they were also caused by me being late to coming over and stuff like that as well. Sometimes I'd accidentally fall asleep after work instead of coming over, if I lay down after a shower, which I did a few times as I worked very early in the morning, and it made him feel like I didn't value his time.
I didn't talk to him for a few months after we broke up, even though he tried to contact me to apologize several times by texting/phonecalls/visiting several times at my apartment. Eventually someone knocked on my door and I opened it before I realized it was him. I didn't want to turn him away so we talked and he very sincerely apologized and talked about how he'd been going to therapy. I could recognize a great deal of change in him and we caught up on eachothers lives.
I moved to a different state like a week after we got in contact and i am struggling with this long distance friendship. He wants to talk all the time and I.. don't. I enjoy texting but sometimes I want to watch a show or play a game uninterrupted, but if I don't respond enough he feels ignored. He also likes to talk on the phone all the time and I really really don't enjoy talking on the phone at all, especially for hours at a time. We talked every night for a couple weeks in the beginning. But after a bad fight i reminded him I don't like being on the phone and said I wanted some space, which had been on my mind prior to the argument. The next week we talk on the phone for like 3 nights for a few hours, and maybe a few other little calls here and there, but he says it's not enough
But the thing is.. even when we talked for hours every night and texted pretty often it still wasn't enough. The only time it was enough was a short window when I checked my phone pretty obsessively to make sure I didn't miss a message from him and always stopped what I was doing to take his call
If my snap score goes up when we're not talking he asks me about it. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable explaining to him the other people I talk to in the day. And often I'm not even talking to them when I'm not talking to him- they send me snaps when I'm not on my phone. I don't respond to anyone unless I make sure I respond to him first to avoid this exact issue. I feel anxious when my friends snap me because I know my score will go up and he's going to ask me about it
For the most part, our fights presently revolve around him feeling like I don't care enough about our friendship or he's feeling ignored by me. But I really really don't know what to do anymore. I was talking on the phone for hours at a time, I was texting all the time and keeping my responses as long as possible.. I was planning movie days, etc. It was never enough.
He's upset my responses are getting shorter. And to be honest they have. Often times I talk about my life, especially someone else in my life, it triggers a fight. Not always in the moment but it always comes back to bite me in the butt later. Particularly if I'm hanging out with my roommate, because in my friends eyes he and I get to hang out with all time. Which we kind of don't- my time is far more devoted to my friend than my roomate. But even if it wasn't- I like hanging out with my roomate because we can quietly sit in the same room together, and we don't have any conflict. He is a very kind presence and I'm grateful to have him as a friend.
It's hard talking about your life while also revealing the bare minimum about your life, and so I'm responding kind of shortly about my things and just try to focus on him.
The fight we had a few days ago was about us not talking enough. Sort of. The reasons our fights go on for hours is because I don't know how to respond to him when he brings up an issue. I sincerely try my best and I try it all. When he brings something up I explain to him I understand his concerns, both using his exact words and in my own words I explain why he's upset. If I agree with him I will apologize and tell him how I'm going to fix it and I fix it, after we fight for a few hours ofc, because he doesn't believe I can understand/apologize and fix something so early into a conversation.
Other times he keeps pushing me to explain myself, but if I explain my pov, things really really blow up because I don't always agree with him. And I think he confuses me not agreeing with him to not understanding. One of our fights came because he was upset when I got home with my roommate at 1am, when I had a 3 hour drive at 8am the next morning. Which blows my mind, because he fought with me literally all night before I drove across the state. I didn't tell him that though, I said I didn't mind getting home till 1 because I had fun when I was out and will still get plenty of sleep. But we still fought.
✨️TLDR
Anyway... the other day he brought up he feels like we don't talk enough. And I said I understand it's hard but this is the boundary I'm setting because I don't enjoy being on the phone, but we're talking 3/4 days a week for several hours. We fight and he says that even when we do talk I'm not talking enough right now. We fight and I reluctantly told him I just don't feel comfortable opening up right now. We fight and fight and it's turning me into a person I dont know or how to control.
In the beginning of our relationship I was quiet and just agreed to everything he said to avoid the argument. This didnt always work but it tends to. Now I get so overwhelmed and angry after several hours I mute my phone and scream into my pillow. This last call I started hitting myself, which I've never done before, and the next day my cheeks were bumpy and itchy, my forehead was swollen, my scalp hurt to touch, and I'm still getting over my two black eyes. He did NOT cause me to hit myself and he doesn't know. I feel silly for doing it. But I find myself at my breaking point and I don't know how to manage these fights anymore.
After hours and hours I break down and I just start agreeing to whatever he says I'm wrong about because I want it to end. I repeat the very thing I said eight hours ago- what I'm wrong about and how I'm going to fix it, but only now after crying on the phone all night long is sort of enough.
At the end of the call he asked if our friendship was over and I said I don't know. He asks this all the time and I basically beg him to be my friend but I don't want to anymore.
He sent me a long apology the morning after the fight and said he wouldn't do it anymore. I thanked him for not wanting those fights anymore. He sent me a pic of his dog and I said she was cute. That night I let our streak die. He messaged me this morning "you let our streak die" and I sat at my phone for ten minutes thinking of how to respond and eventually I just decided not to. He called me twice tonight at around 8pm and texted that he wanted us to talk for a bit, but i had made plans with another friend of mine a week ago to play animal crossing, so I did that and didn't respond to him. At 3am I saw he was typing on snapchat and I'm anxious because I've been receiving snaps and know my score went up, even though I have sent zero snaps to keep the number as low as I can
I know he wants to be friends still
But I sort of don't want to be friends anymore???? I really love the positive things in our relationship. In a lot of ways he was the best boyfriend and best friend I've ever had. But I can't do this anymore. I hate the person I am in these fights. I know he does not control my actions, it is not his fault I scream in my pillow or gave myself black eyes. But I have never in my life had any sort of romantic or friendly relationship like this. And I don't enjoy it. I really really love not fighting with my loved ones. And I really feel like no matter what I do to make him feel heard when he brings up an issue it's not enough. Every fight we have damages our friendship, which I've told him several times. I used to get over them easily but I am just so drained I always feel wary for the next blow up.
But I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning our friendship? I don't know how to end a friendship? I've never had one end that wasn't a result of just growing apart. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish I never opened my door when he came over. I'm supposed to go to my home state shortly and I'm very anxious about being in the same state as him
submitted by anxietybee- to Advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:06 Capable-Chip8556 "I am so disappointed in you"

Story time! I have posted about my absolute nightmare of a narcissistic mother here before. I know this forum is typically for mother-in-laws, but my ex-mother-in-law is an absolute delight and one of my dearest friends.
My mother is a different story. My entire life she has intentionally set out to be dismissive, cruel, insulting, and judgmental. Here's the latest. About 5 weeks ago, I let her know that my partner and I were purchasing a house and finally moving to be full-time together after 3 and 1/2 years of living part-time together. The entire family was over the moon for us, especially as we are making plans to see everyone the same amount of time that we had before. It's a great move for us and we are all thrilled with how it's turned out.
Not my mom though! She called me up and after the big heavy dramatic sigh, let me know no less than 10 times (I stopped counting after 10 ) that she was very disappointed in me, that she expected higher of me. In fact, she started the whole thing with you want to explain to me why you're moving in with someone before getting married? To which I responded well, it's none of your business and how dare you come at me like this? How old do you think I am for Pete's sake?
She then went on to say that she had higher standards for me than other people, even though both my brothers lived with their significant others for several years before getting married. She basically said the quiet part out loud that she has been thinking for years, which is she has always thought I am up to no good, that my brothers can do no wrong, and I am basically some sort of idiot that has made it this far by doing Lord knows what.
In addition, good Lord. I am a middle-aged woman with a mortgage and full-time job, I have multiple degrees and a thriving career. I think I know what I'm doing with my life here. It is absolutely fucking ridiculous that she felt that she could say these things to me and I said so to her. At one point I did say who the hell do you think you're talking to right now?
I continue to put down some pretty heavy duty boundaries, and she continued to push against them. I mean at one point she practically called me a harlot LOL. It was sort of ridiculous. She ended the call with well. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to it and tolerate your lifestyle and I was like no you will absolutely not have to do that. And hung up.
Fairly ridiculous but this is what I have gotten from her for my entire life. I have gone pretty much no contact at this point. She did this right before mother's Day and I didn't do anything for her. And I will not be doing anything for her for her birthday. Enough is enough. My brother and I had a good laugh about it. I am sort of curious at what she thought she would accomplish with this smug church lady bullshit.
submitted by Capable-Chip8556 to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:04 anonomusfem I’m not sure if I’m making the right choices in life.

I am a 32-year-old gay, chubby, feminine male. I've recently had family trouble: my father has gone missing on the Navajo reservation, which has taken a toll on my family. I was never close with my father due to being the oldest and seeing his alcoholic abuse cause domestic violence against my mother. My brother, the second child, who should have been named Junior but wasn't, worshiped our father and started taking up his career. Now that our father is missing, this sibling has taken up the alcoholic title. Though he may not be abusive, my mother and I think he might turn out to be soon. The baby of the family has had a love-hate relationship with our father. He also loves to blame everyone for his personal issues and bad choices. He has mother issues and is now copying our second brother by drinking every day. Both of them drinking has led to poor financial decisions, putting my mother and me in debt as we try to fix our finances and provide food and keep the house up to date. We rent the house we live in, so if we decide to move, the owner will likely charge us for the accumulated minor damages. I think I am the only one worried about this situation. Our mother is devastated by our father's disappearance. In my mind, they were soulmates and high school sweethearts. She was the cheerleader, and he was the sports jock. They loved each other, but my father's alcoholism was a huge problem, so she raised all three of us mostly on her own. There is evidence suggesting foul play in our father's disappearance, adding another layer of complexity to our family troubles. A bit about me: I struggled with coming out of the closet until I had my first boyfriend in 2011. My mother was very homophobic due to her religious upbringing but eventually learned to accept me. That first relationship only lasted a few months because his mother made a comment about my transportation to his home. At the time, I had no car, so I took the bus. When she asked how I got there, his response was "the bus," to which she said, "The bus? Isn't that for peasants?" This made me uncomfortable and led to our breakup. He was my first and only boyfriend, and I've never dated after him. At a young age, I was molested by a male cousin, which I believe influenced my sexuality and femininity. I have forgiven him and learned to move on with my life without blaming him. I've always wanted a job in Hollywood but have come to realize that's not going to happen. However, I landed the second best thing: working and traveling with Broadway shows. I took my first tour for ten months, back in 2022, came home, and took a season off. On this tour, I grew from my experiences and became an independent adult. I feel like I became the best version of myself. On tour, I had no one but myself, and I became independent. Now that I'm back home, I feel like I have to take care of everyone and make decisions for the long run. I'm not going to lie, I was sleeping with guys left and right and living life. When I came home, I reconnected with two guys: one a young African American guy and the other a Hispanic guy. The African American guy was younger than me, well-endowed, about my height, and very slender. We had known each other for the years I was on tour. He was living alone and had his own place. We were hooking up, and that's it. We connected less during my tour. I then reconnected with the Hispanic guy. He is about my age, shorter than me, and very masculine. He's a gentleman. When we first met, he came to my place. I thought that I had cleaned myself well, but when I pulled out my buttplug, I realized I hadn't. I excused myself and re-douched. He was very understanding and sweet about the whole situation, and I fell in love with his charm. When he left that night, I hoped I didn't scare him off, but he messaged me a few weeks later, this time inviting me to his place. He turned on his fireplace and laid blankets on the floor for us, being tender and romantic. After this encounter, I overthought the situation, building an idealized image of him, which made me sick with worry. He says he owns a company, which is why he doesn't reply quickly, but my social media feeds suggest otherwise. He never checks on me, but the African American guy did from time to time. A few weeks after visiting the Hispanic guy, I messaged the African American guy to see if he wanted to meet up. He told me he had become homeless and was looking for a bed at a homeless shelter. He asked if he could stay with me until he found a bed. Despite being undecided, I agreed. The worst part was that he showed me what a relationship with him could be like: affection, endless cuddles, and companionship. It was everything I wished for in a relationship, but I had to remind myself that I was only helping him temporarily. In this short time, he showed me love and what life could be like with a boyfriend. However, we eventually argued over something small, and he left, leaving me heartbroken. Songs from Ariana Grande's album became my anthems: "We Can't Be Friends," "I Wish I Hated You," and "Imperfect for You." I miss him, but he's too young to forgive me. I still see the Hispanic guy, but I fear I'm building him up to be something he's not. He still takes a while to reply to my messages, and I make excuses for his absence. I hope we'll become something, but I think that's unlikely, which also breaks my heart. A week ago, my siblings and mother and I had a huge argument, all of us under the influence. It started with me telling my mother that I wanted to move out. She, being overbearing, shut down and pushed me away from the idea, using my drunk siblings to turn against me. This brought out the worst in everyone, with all the built-up envy and jealousy coming out. Now, I'm indecisive about my future. Should I take a traveling job and leave my mother alone with my siblings, knowing they're not in the right state of mind? Is the person I'm seeing worth my emotional investment?
submitted by anonomusfem to dating_advice [link] [comments]


http://swiebodzin.info