Quotes for airforce girlfriends | | Wandering in Darkness

Long time lurker, first time poster. hello to whoever is reading this! Thank you in advance for taking the time. I've been on quite the journey of self-discovery the past several months, and in that time I learned the term demisexual, and have been feeling more and more inclined to identify somewhere between there and graysexuality.
I have been wanting to talk to people in this community, but I have been nervous that I will be viewed as inauthentic. the intention of this post is not for anyone to answer the question "is you-a-buggaboo demi" for me - I'm just hoping to share my life experience with a fairly new BPD diagnosis as well as my sexual experiences, and hopefully get some feedback from this community. maybe some validation, maybe some alternative perspectives which can assist me in assessing the best way to communicate... myself, I guess. maybe this experience isn't uncommon. maybe none of this is even what being demisexual is. I don't know, I think I'm just searching for community or something. I feel like even if I'm missing the mark here, you all will have some valuable input, likely being farther along in your journey than I am. I'm just having a wicked case of imposter syndrome.
I'm a 38 year old cisgender mother of a 1.5 year old (if any of that matters), and I've been in a monogamous relationship with my daughter's father for 6.5 years. we have been on the rocks for awhile as my sex drive has decreased over time, especially after giving birth. I have been to individual counseling, we have been to couples counseling, and about a year ago I was diagnosed with BPD. it's the "quiet" kind- the sort that goes unnoticed because all of that vitriol is directed at myself rather than others, so my relationships seem stable on the outside, but on the inside I just know they're going to leave me at any moment, so I try to be a "good girl" so they won't "abandon" me. I put those words in quotes because this is hyperbolic language to describe the feelings rather than what I actually believe the reality is.
anyway, when considering the diagnosis, although at first I thought my psychiatrist was a moron, I started to recognize more and more instances throughout my life that put me on that beautiful bastard that is the BPD spectrum. it's real. I fucking have it. this of course got me thinking about the role it's played in my current relationship, especially the fact that our biggest problem - like, for the last 4 years - has been that I am feeling an extreme lack of emotional intimacy, which is making me not want to have sex, and he experiencing a lack of sex, which is making it hard for him to be emotionally intimate with me. I initially thought that the abandonment issues associated with BPD were the cause of my excessive need for emotional intimacy, but he has suggested more than once over the last several years that maybe I'm asexual, so I began to look into it.
I balked at the assessment because I was promiscuous in my early 20s. every weekend my friends and I would go to the bar, flirt with random dudes to get free drinks, and maybe even make out or go home with one of them sometimes. I was never keen on one night stands, but I did have the odd one or two. sexual promiscuity is a hallmark of BPD. I was on dating apps and actively trying to meet people, and often I would be so giddy after a date that I would perform a sexual act as kind of a way to say "thank you for treating me so nicely tonight and showing genuine interest in who I am as a person. I really enjoyed your company." these dates never really blossomed into anything real, and I was always devastated, thinking that I somehow fell short, even though I did everything I could - including sexy time on the first date - to make them stay.
I think Leonardo DiCaprio is super hot. I was a giant Hanson fan for over 20 years and absolutely swooned over those dumb brothers from Oklahoma (not Isaac. ew.), and I think Katie Maloney from vanderpump rules is also a fucking beautiful specimen to behold. so was was the guy who came in to the Starbucks I worked at to order a grande iced coffee with soy milk everyday. just absolutely so nice to look at. what I'm saying is, I can look at another human and say "hot" or "not." my understanding is that this, combined with my promiscuity, does not place me on the asexual spectrum. and yet, I have rebuttals for all of it.
the following three paragraphs are the portion of this novel I'd like you to push back on for me. they are my rebuttals for all of it. I'm not sure if my brain is just desperate to fit somewhere, or explain my lack of sexual attraction to my partner, even though I find him incredibly gorgeous to look at, and even though I once really loved having sex with him.
I think I was promiscuous in my 20s when my friends were around in order to fit in. It wasn't peer pressure, it was pressure that I put on myself. I just kind of assumed my other girlfriends were at least a medium amount of weirded out by sex, especially with strangers. essentially, when they told me that they had really good sex, I thought they were lying because that's just what you had to say. I never had really good sex with someone I met one time, but I would certainly say that I did, because what was I supposed to say, the sex was terrible? Where's the street cred in that? anyway, my point is, in my 20s, what with my crippling fear of abandonment infecting every fucking moment of my life without me even knowing it, I performed sex in order to fit in with my friends.
for as many first dates I would go on and perform sex acts, there were equally as many dates where i had no inclination to "thank" them with sexual favors. the ones I did get physical with were the ones who I'd had great conversations with online, followed by great dates in real life. I believe that I form the emotional connection necessary to happily have some form of sex with very quickly, like sometimes within minutes or hours, and this makes me feel like an imposter in this community.
fast forward to my current relationship: we met at a time where I was vulnerable and needing a win, and he fought for me over the course of several weeks by befriending me, and then he chose me, after the man I thought would choose me, chose someone else (my best friend, but that's a trauma dump for another time), and so I loved him immediately. we had so much sex in the beginning, guys. and the reason I talked to him in the first place is because I thought he was cute. (I know. I don't belong here.) over time, though, the issues with our communication became harder for me to ignore, and so after awhile I started rejecting him for sex, and a bit after that I stopped initiating alogether, and a while after that he stopped initiating as well because the constant rejection is breaking his heart. I used to phone it in and just do the sex for the sake of his heart, but I swear to God it began to hurt and I would muffle my discomfort and disdain for what was happening into the pillow. Thank God we have a sound machine blasting in our room so he never heard me. no gynecologist could find a physical reason for my sudden symptoms. the last time we tried to have sex was an absolute disaster. I could never tell him because it would break him, but kissing him actually did physically repulse me. this interaction came mere days after I had admitted to myself, and then to my therapist, that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. and then I learned what demisexuality means, and it all started to make sense. of course we were having sex in the beginning, I was so in love with this man who is so attractive and kind and fought for me and viewed me as the center of his universe. of course we aren't having sex now, because without an intimate emotional relationship I just have negative a billion interest in having sex.
anyway, to wrap up, I wasn't kidding when I said that I don't know what I'm looking for here. maybe there's an emperor of demisexuality who can officially induct me? jokes. but I am interested in your thoughts on this, especially if you are familiar with BPD as well. thank you so much for taking the time to read this; it has been cathartic writing this out and posting it, finally allowing myself permission to speak in this space, rather than just peek into it. I appreciate this community and its resources.

Let’s talk about Dan Humphrey shall we! (Season one only)
First of all he is the most insufferable wanna be over privileged hipster brat. He is the worst boyfriend to Serena, constantly treating her as if she’s a prize to be won but also constantly putting her down to make himself feel better.
Dan was so quick to befriend “Sarah” aka Georgina and happy to run into her arms as soon as he assumed Serena had cheated on him in season 1. Even if Serena confirmed it he never gave her a chance to actually talk through it.
Dan and Serena season one had their problems, but is it not an emotional affair to divulge all of that to different women that you are “friends” with? I put friends in air quotes because Dan and Vanessa previously had feelings for each other and i don’t care early season one Dan definitely over stepped boundaries and had them competing even if he wasn’t outwardly encouraging it.
Dan would constantly assume things about Serena and the men in her life and judge her for being around her life long friends (Blair, Chuck, and Nate) when he wished he could be just like them. But if Serena had a problem and addressed it regarding Dan’s friends (namely Georgina) he pushed it off and chose them over her every time. THE COFFEE SHOP SCENE!?! Your girlfriend says she’s uncomfortable with a friendship you JUST made and you have the nerve to get angry at her and choose someone you just met????
THEN HE KISSED HER THE SAME NIGHT HE AND SERENA BROKE UP SO HE REALLY DIDN’T GAF ABOUT SERENA OMG
Not him sleeping with Georgina and then guilt tripping Serena into apologizing !?
In conclusion I hate Dan Humphrey he sucks

Bundle deals available! There are mostly samples, but there are some full-sizes as well. I priced to sell, but am open to reasonable offers. More details are on my spreadsheet. New items have been added recently.

Most perfumes were received direct from the original store. If you want me to double-check, just let me know!
All perfumes are kept in a cool, dark place. I live in a non-smoking and pet-free house.
Payment via PayPal G&S. I will send an invoice. Prices are in USD.
If buying multiple items that aren't already bundled, make me a reasonable offer for a discount :)
I will ship within 7 days of payment, though I am often much quicker and will ship same/next day!
Shipping is $13 tracked to Canada unless you're only getting a few samples, in which case it's $3 without tracking. Shipping to the US is typically around $13 tracked (I will provide a quote based on zip code).
If purchasing >$50, I'll offer a 50% discount on shipping. If >$125, shipping will be free regardless of location!
I'm mostly looking to sell, but will consider swaps for scents listed on my ISO tab. However, I'm looking to get multiple items (at least three) from one seller.

Fantome:

Ivan the Fool: Golden figs, oakmoss, Siberian fir, well-worn Russian leather, cedar, warm wolf fur, juniper berries, sparkling bergamot
Vasilia (FS): Clover honey, neroli, rich tonka, chamomile, dry hay, a flower crown of marigolds & sunflowers

Stereoplasm:

Clemency (2 samples are available): Myrrh, clementine teak, thyme, photographic fixer, tobacco, suede
Disco Stardust (both a FS and sample are available): Winter Mai Tais, roll-on lip gloss, expensive sunglasses, tanning bed oil and new car smell
Excitation: Frothed Irish cream with rye whiskey, evaporated milk, wild honey and chocolate covered coffee beans
Flowers in the Rain: Warm rain, carnation corsage, pink musk and passion fruit
Gone Gnome: Top notes of cilantro and key lime rooted in fresh garden basil, english cucumber and melon blossom
Kindling: Sweet jasmine incense, sunset musk, fresh sativa and strawberry wine
Opaline: Iridescent and heavy stones of opalized amber, birds of paradise, frozen yucca and lacquered teak
Perdotmint (both a FS and sample are available): Gems of concorde pear, crushed spearmint, iced green tea and classic jade accord
Reverie: Frozen pollen, prickly gooseberry vine, raw cashmere wool and midnight blooming primrose
Rickey: Old Tom Gin and muddled cilantro impress upon star wedges of Mary Ellen Sweet Lime in bubbly soda
The Presents: A jar of homemade apricot jam, the worn pages of a favourite book, a golden yellow beeswax candle, a soft cashmere scarf to keep you cozy all year long.
Toasted Matchimellow (FS): Bright green ice cream baked inside marshmallow meringue (usually found during summer months in cafe midi)
Yellownog: Intoxicating bourbon-vanilla, cigar-smoked cinnamon, clementine stars, shredded coconut and Chantilly cream

CocoaPink:

Black Voodoo: Rich amber resins, spiritueuse double vanilla, butterscotch, bourbon vanilla, hot butter rum & coconut crème
Fear of Ghosts: Glowing marshmallow orbs and smoky vanilla spectral mists swirl aimlessly around an old bonfire in the Crisp October night air – Fresh vanilla puffed marshmallows, toasted marshmallows, hints of bonfire smoke among scattered sharp grains of white rice
Full Moon: Blackberry, Coconut Milk, Marshmallows, White Chocolate
Gooey Caramel: Real, old fashioned caramel, the gooey, salty kind made with real butter
Handbook for the Recently Deceased: Wedding cake accord; sticky strawberries and raspberries; a shock of green melon and vibrant lime; an electric hint of mint and cilantro; grave soil; and a puff of smoke
Pumpkin Kiss: Pumpkin flesh, soft bourbon vanilla, white and brown sugars kissed softly with pure cocoa absolute
Warm Mittens: This fragrance evokes the memory of sitting around a campfire, holding a steamy mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows while wearing the woolliest, warmest pair of mittens.
You'll Never Grow Old: The irresistible mingling of cotton candy, waffle cones, caramel popcorn, and candy apple is stalked by the tang of an oncoming storm, sea salt, freshly-dug dirt, and a primal, seductive musk

Possets:

Mrs. Rabbit's Carrot Cake (FS): The most moist and vanilla drenched melting cake shot through with sugar encrusted rum kissed currents and golden raisins and crowned with the richest butter filled sour cream and ricotta frosting and trimmed with tiny spun sugar carrots, and grass
Silver Narcissus: A stunning fragrance that combines the luxurious Possets' Silver Base with the iconic Narcissus flower, evoking the essence of a warm and vibrant spring morning
Solis Anima: Blood Orange, Lychee Tea, Screwpine Flower, Tamarind, Cucumber, and Ginger, Tomato, Vetiver, Kadamba Flowers, and Sandalwood

Pulp Fragrances:

An Accidental Interloper: Green tea, clary sage, rose geranium, evergreen boughs, white patchouli, vetiver and sweet amber musk
Embrace: A kindly kitchen witch invites you in from the cold, feeds you pumpkin shortbread with butter, apricot preserves, and brown sugar & then sends you safely on your way.
The Phantom Room: Cherry tobacco, honeyed almonds, red currants, cocoa butter, & vanilla balsam.
Women In Dresses Running From Houses 2021: This year's version is smokier and sweeter: Caramellized sugar, a roaring bonfire, heliotrope, aged patchouli, and a hint of violet

Nui Cobalt:

Hell Freezes Over: Decadent devil’s food cake, still warm from the oven, fluffy marshmallow frosting and the lightest dusting of crushed candy cane
Little Brown Rabbit: Nutmeg and tonka bean nuzzle up against fluffy marshmallow, cottonflower, pink pepper, and a trace of carrot seed.
Mendacity: Horchata: Classic horchata made from jasmine rice, demerara sugar, and true Ceylon cinnamon.
Roll Initiative: Egyptian cotton, pale driftwood, white pepper, green cardamom, and a slender wisp of copal smoke.

Arcana Craves:

Blueberries Crave Sunshine: Lemonade, watermelon, lime zest, golden gardenia, pearl musk, tiny blueberries, Black Dragon tea leaf, and blood red cedar

Sucreabeille:

Alembic (FS): Sweet pumpkin souffle dotted with marshmallows and drizzled with buttery maple syrup. Tuberose wafts through the open front door

Arcana Wildcraft

Witches Cavort with Cupcakes (FS): Pumpkin spice cupcakes are smothered in gobs of cream cheese frosting

Hexennacht

I ♥ the 80’s: A Lisa Frank-esque powerhouse: tuberose, orange blossom, white amber, bubblegum, suntan oil, Aquanet hairspray, gummy worms, & fruit-scented erasers

Andromeda's Curse

Strength: Coffee, Marshmallow, Milk Chocolate, Coumarin, Brown Sugar, Whipped Vanilla Frosting
The Call of the Void: French Lavender, Nag Champa, Egyptian Amber, Sandalwood, Cedarwood, and Vanilla

Black Hearted Tart

Autumn Sweater: Warm cedar, sweet vanilla musk, fallen leaves, crunchy acorns, pine cones, nutmeg, clove, and cinnamon
Electric Feel: Sparkling lime, lychee fruit, rose, melon, grape, citrus glazed bundt cake, golden amber and sweet musk.
Fade Into You: Bergamot, orange, lime, lemon, white and chocolate orchids, cocoa butter, sandalwood, and ambergris.
Girlfriend In A Coma: Herbaceous blend of lavender leaves, flowers, vanilla musk, tonka bean, cedar, and sandalwood.
Glory Box: Deep purple violets, brown sugar, juicy plum, fresh ozone, lily, heliotrope, dark musk, saffron, tonka bean and amber.
Head Over Heels: Fresh apple, apricots, plum, citrus, pink magnolia, heliotrope, vanilla orchid, honeyed amber, marzipan, and sandalwood.
Heart Shaped Box: Chocolate truffles made with cocoa powder, sweet cream, and a hint of vanilla bean.
Honeybee: Buttery toffee, swirls of honey, and warm vanilla are brightened up with cheery bergamot and tart Brazilian orange.
Melt With You: Scented in cocoa butter, raw honey, and chocolate notes.
My Velouria: Red rose, peony, violet, amber, white musk, sandalwood, and woodsy cedar.
Only In Dreams: White gardenia, calla lily petals, fluffy marshmallow clouds, and vanilla orchid musk.
Piece Of My Heart: Lemony floral magnolia blossoms, waxy green tree leaves, sugar cane, cardamom pink pepper, vanilla bean, sandalwood and bitter almond.
Pink Moon: Sun ripened raspberries, honeysuckles, pulps of juicy oranges, farm fresh peaches, and sugared pink grapefruit.

Poesie

Nectar: These golden trumpet-shaped blossoms herald the arrival of summer. Nectar is the sweet scent of honeysuckle blossoms — honeyed, intoxicating, irresistible

Astrid

Ensoleille: Orange blossom, bamboo, vanilla musk, lemon, sugar, palo santo, and litsea
Whisper: Cherry blossom, a pair of patchoulis, sugar, and vanilla

Alkemia

Vanille Armour (FS): Vanilla Infused with Warm Spices

Link again: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19URt2wyxl2xQd8XN2CPKzqBv0ZANl65yUTx9Gx_u0a4/edit?usp=drive_link
Thanks for checking out my destash!

Hey everybody I'm a 24 year old wiring up yachts in Tennessee, I've been an "electrician" here for almost 3 years and I put that in quotes because that's what they call us but my duties don't go much farther than stripping, crimping, putting on plugs, running harnesses through the boat, and troubleshooting. I'm also topped out at 24.50 an hour. I've never had any kind of schooling past high school and I've never worked on anything higher than 12 volt and 120 but I've taken a liking to electrical work in a sense and am curious how to further myself in this field. I've considered union work and stuff along those lines but my dad wasn't around much growing up so I'm very unfamiliar with the trades or how to go about getting involved with them, I also know there are lots of different electrical jobs and am unsure what I should shoot for. I'm really trying to improve me and my girlfriends lives for our unborn child that's on the way and would like to move into a career allowing me to provide for them without worry. My brother had suggested railroad work but to my understanding that involves a bit of travel and I would prefer to stay close to my new and growing family. Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my essay.

On today’s episode of Catholic Shenanigans I introduce you to Harrison Butkiss (whoops did I say that?) when he’s not slipping and falling on the football field he’s giving half ass commencement speeches at various colleges. His most recent one has resulted in a massive scandal. Before we delve into this sordid tale let me introduce you to some of his hobbies. Crushing his wife’s career and having children… Btw his wife is an extremely accomplished woman who holds a degree in computer science and Spanish.
Let’s go back to the speech in it he hits the trifecta of Catholic talking points, he manages to be anti LGBTQ, rail against IVF and tells women their lives don’t begin until they have babies. (Hold on I thought life began at conception…it’s not to late for an abortion for me!!)
The part that irritates me the most is when he says “embrace your roles as homemakers” directing this comment at women. It’s so inappropriate to say at a college graduation. What’s worse is his mother holds a masters degree and works in oncology at Emory University. He’s crapping on all accomplished women an boiling all of us down to our reproductive abilities and domestic use.
If we look at his instagram we can see he has virtually no pictures of his family or wife and the entire page is made up of pictures of him in carefully manicured suits with bible verses in the caption. Unlike most NFL stars who take time to appreciate their partners Butkiss does not even acknowledge the existence of Isabelle his most accomplished wife.
The only time he speaks about his wife is when he’s praising her for embracing her role as a baby machine and human laundry mat. In the next breath he attempts to be cleaver and works in a Taylor Swift quote while referring to yet another accomplished woman as “my teammates girlfriend” and smirks while doing it. Nothing illustrates the distain that he holds for women like this quote. Almost as if to say Taylor would be no one without Travis and she is defined by her relationship.
It’s good that this kind of rhetoric is making it to the mainstream. I want everyone to see what theses so called “traditional Catholics” are about..rewinding time to a day when women couldn’t buy houses, hold property or open a line of credit….

So, I'm not entirely sure what my goal is with this post. One thing I know for certain is that it will be very long, and probably sort of jumbled and frantic, more stream of consciousness than anything. I guess I just sort of wanted to share some of the important realizations I've had in recent months, and see if: 1. Other people think that they're fair or "correct" realizations, and I'm not becoming, like, delusional or something. 2. Maybe my sharing these perspectives will help or inspire someone else who has struggled in ways similar to me.
So, here's the basic background of things. I've always been a really reserved and quiet person, ever since I was a little kid. Add in being skinny and nerdy for most of my life, and maxing out at a height of 5'9", and I'm not exactly a hot product for the average girl my age (19, turning 20 in a few weeks). In fact, I'd never had a relationship until this past year in college, but I'll get more into that in a minute. Hell, I hadn't had so much as a first kiss until this past year, either.
And, at the beginning of this past school year, being my second year of college (as a commuter student, so socializing is pretty difficult), I began to really get down on myself for having never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl, being a virgin, etc. It started to really take a toll on my mental health, because I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong and unlovable about me. Whereas a lot of young men who struggle socially romantically seem to be directing their sadness, frustration, and anger outward toward the world, especially toward women, I instead found myself directing those feeling toward myself. I was convinced that, on a basic level, there was some vital component to who I am as a person that disqualifies me from being worthy of love or affection. After all, that's what 19 years of evidence suggest, right?
Looking back, I think a large component in this was how I had been struggling, and still struggle to a degree, with my identity as a young man. I'm naturally a pretty progressive person, and I make an effort to be open to the perspectives of other groups and listen to their stories. Unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of people have been harmed by the men in their lives. And I know, I know: if I'm not doing anything wrong myself, then I shouldn't take any of these stories personally.But I guess, given the poor mental state that I was already in, I took it as validation that there was in fact something intrinsically wrong about me, and that thing was being a man. I started to avoid people on the street, especially if they were a woman or presented as feminine. At work, I avoid going anywhere near female customers, out of fear of making them uncomfortable. I'd keep my head down walking from class to class on campus, worried that I might make someone uneasy with my gaze. It wasn't that I thought I was a threat; in fact, I knew that I was not. But I also knew that the people around me didn't know that. In their eyes, maybe they have to assume that I'm a creep or that I'm a dangerous type of man. And it hurt to realize that, and I realize now, like I said, that I took it as validation that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
Due to that, as well as other factors, such as stress and exhaustion from overworking (I'm a full-time student and work about 30 hours a week, which is a lot for me, might not be for others, I admit), I experienced some of the worst periods of depression I've ever had, since being diagnosed with it and anxiety in 2021. I tried going to therapy. I went to a few sessions, then gradually started missing more and more due to a lack of time, until my therapist cancelled all of our scheduled future sessions. It was on me. I wasn't committed.
I lost my passion for my hobbies and interests, like creative writing, which had previously been an important emotional outlet for me. A lot of nights would be spent lying in bed, listening to a playlist filled with sad music and hugging a pillow, wishing it was someone who loved me in the way that I thought, or hoped, love would work.
At the behest of my friends, to whom I only presented my issues as being a little down about never having been in a relationship, I started messing around with dating apps. At first, I felt good about making some sort of effort to put myself out there. Like I said, I've always been insanely reserved, so doing something like making a dating profile felt like an accomplishment. Of course, nothing much came of it. Over the five or so months that I was on the app, I maxed out at about six likes on my profile, and only matched with two people.
But one of those two people was a girl who went to the same college as me, and we seemed to have a lot of interests in common. And I mean a lot. To the point that it was almost comical. Of course, I realize now that having some hobbies in common isn't enough to form a good relationship with someone, but I realize now that I was just desperate for someone who I could convince myself halfway-tolerated me. She and I started to go out, and after a while, we decided to make things "official." My first kiss. My first relationship. My first girlfriend.
It lasted for only a few months. After a while, something felt off. I wasn't as excited to see her as I had been before. It was hard for us to make time for each other, between my working and her being involved in extracurricular stuff around campus. Car rides and dates began to be filled with longer and more frequent stretches of awkward silence, as I tried to think of something to say or talk about, only to come up empty-handed. As we got to know each other better, I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I first thought. She was a little more conservative, not necessarily in a political sense, but more in terms of "status", if that makes sense. I learned that financial success was very important to her parents, and I could tell that it was important to her, too. She avoided telling her parents that I was an English major, instead opting to tell them that I was getting a degree in computer science, as that was my minor at the time. It seemed to me that the status of a relationship was more important to her than the quality of the relationship (pot calling the kettle black, yes, I realize). For example, there was a dance on campus that she wanted to go to, pretty much just to take pictures of the two of us together so she could show them to friends and family. But as for the dance itself, it was more of the same that had been happening before: awkward silence, short conversations, lots of looking around at anything other than each other.
After a while, I decided that, for both of our sakes, I needed to break things off. I didn't want to waste her time when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore. So, at the beginning of April, I drove over to her dorm, and we talked it over in my car for a while. At the end, we hugged one last time, and I haven't seen her since.
I think a key component in the decision I made is the fact that I reconnected with some old friends from high school, who are still local, even though they are going to another university. Over Christmas break, I hung out with them for the first time since the pandemic as, during that time, I ended up having a falling out with them over some dumb high school drama and political differences. To my surprise, they had changed a lot, and had managed to pull themselves out of the incel trajectory that I had seen them beginning to fall down during high school. They were kinder, more accepting people. My surprise was matched only by my pride in them. I had feared and assumed the worst of them, and I couldn't have been happier to be proven wrong. Since then, I've been invited back into their group chats, and I see them in-person with some regularity, when our schedules allow it.
I think having that connection made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being single again, and since the break up, I've been able to rely on them for support, laughs, and just feeling like I have somewhere I belong. Before, I found myself desperate for any kind of connection and fell into a cycle of denying myself that connection because I was convinced that, since it didn't just present itself, I wasn't worthy of it.
And maybe it has something to do with that, but on the drive home from my now-ex's dorm (though I still wonder if I should/could really call her an ex. Sure, we agreed to make things "official", but we still only dated for a few months), I felt my perspective on, well, at the risk of sounding over-dramatic or overly romantic, everything, being to change.
And I guess that's what the title of this post is about. The things I've begun to realize in the time leading up to and following that break-up.
Above all else, I've realized the importance of connection. If I didn't have a stable friend group again, I don't know where I'd be. Probably still in a stale relationship, clinging on and trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling the way that I'm feeling. I have people to talk with again, to confide in when I feel stressed or depressed. I go out and do things again, which I didn't realize I hadn't really done very much since the pandemic.
But I know that for a lot of people who are/were in the position I had been in, finding friends is difficult. If it weren't for my unique circumstances of being reunited with an old, estranged group of friends, I would absolutely be in the same position. I still really struggle with social anxiety, and talking to new people is a huge struggle for me. So, I've also had some realizations that don't have as much to do with the friendship side of things, and I hope that these can be of some use to people who also struggle with social anxiety.
I know that the idea of "working on yourself" is cliche and overused, so I won't frame it exactly like that. In my opinion, saying it like that makes it sound too daunting and tedious, and having been in those dark, dark places myself, I know that it was the last thing I wanted to hear. So, instead, I like to think of it this way. It's more like living in spite of your circumstances. Over the course of this past year, I essentially shut my life down, because I was so convinced that there was no point, because I felt that I knew that I would never be loved or accepted. Now, I feel an urge to go on living for myself, almost in direct spite of the fear that I may be forever alone. It's a fear that I still deal with, and who knows, maybe things will end up that way.
And, I suppose, that leads into my main realization, which is sort of an extension/restatement of the last one, now that I think about it. I now feel the desire to accumulate enough in my life, to reach a point where I am satisfied enough, that I can rest knowing that I will be okay, with or without a relationship. Before, my self-worth was almost entirely attached to my relationship status, and my lack of romantic experience. Now, I realize that a relationship can only come when I don't need it, or at least don't feel that I need it. Being a huge nerd and a writer, I think a lot about quotes from books, shows, movies, and games that have stuck with and there's one from God of War: Ragnarok that comes to mind here (by the way, I actually highly recommend playing or watching a playthrough of God of War 2018 and Ragnarok if you've struggled with masculinity in the same way I have, the music and cutscenes from those games have actually helped to pull me out of some mental spirals about my self-worth and identity as a man). It comes from a scene in which Kratos confronts his younger self, and is trying to decide if he is willing/ready to be a god again:
"Should I lose everything and everyone, will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope."
It's a quote that resonates with me now more than ever (even though it's from a DLC that just came out around Christmas, lol). I know now that I want to get to a place where there is enough left inside me that I know I'll never fall into that dark mental state again.
Something else that I've noticed has happened is the return of my passions for my hobbies and interests, especially for writing. I don't want to sound too arrogant, but I think I've begun to realize an important goal for my writing. If I'm lucky enough, I want to be able to write and release stories that explore masculinity and isolation, and, if I can, I want to create stories that can help guide other young men and boys who have struggled in the way I have and continue to do. I want to create characters who serve as positive male role models, who are emotionally strong, intelligent, and kind. I want to write stories of personal redemption, and show that no one is truly ever too far gone to be able to recover. If my writing could help even just one person who is struggling, then I would consider my career to be a success.
At the risk of being too cheesy, I'd like to end this very long-winded post with another quote, this one from a YouTube channel I recently discovered, and one I would highly recommend to just about anyone: Cinema Therapy. It's from their video about "A Silent Voice", which also happens to be one of my favorite movies, and one of my main inspirations when it comes to the kinds of stories I want to tell.
"Depression doesn't go away, doesn't lift for most people. But there's a capacity to feel again. There's a capacity to feel joy. The cure for so many things is connection. And we may think 'no one want to connect with me.' But we just need to find the right people."
I think the only thing I would add to that is that, in my opinion, the connection can also be with yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/DdJxUSevYf0
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Hello fellow potatoes! And to the potato queen herself, girl, you're amazing!!! I just found your channel a few months ago, but I'm a huge fan. I don't have a lot of time for videos, but when I do get to watch, I watch yours.
Have I got a boomemil story for you! Let's go on an adventure...warning...I tell stories with rabbit holes and tangents. This is probably gonna be too long. I'm sorry!!!
So, the characters are me (40f), boomer MIL (64f BM for short, like bowel movement bc she's caca), my oldest son, (17m), and my church "mom" (65f CM for short).
A little background: BM thinks she's an awesome mom and grandma even though she's not. She uses my kids as facebook props to show off how "wonderful" she is. The only reason she was around my kids so often was because we went to the same church. She lived 10 minutes down the road from us, but could never be bothered to come over or have anything to do with any of us is if we didn't initiate. She has always said that if we ever try to threaten to keep our kids away from her, like if we were having a disagreement, that she would not fight to see them. We've never threatened to keep our kids from her, she just wanted us to know that she didn't give a sh!t to see her gandkids. So, that tells you right there, that she's a grandma when it's convenient for her.
She's of the boomer mentality that mental health issues are made up and aren't real. "You have nothing to be depressed about." "Just snap out if it." "Just be happy." You get the point. I struggle with depression, I always have. She doesn't understand or even try to understand and is the least empathetic person I've ever met.
When I get overwhelmed, I get depressed, and I start shutting down. My plate is overflowing right now. Between the end of the school year and the possibility of us moving states, I've been overwhelmed. My oldest is a senior and the last month of senior year is crazy busy. I have another child (11m) in public school and this is his last year of elementary school, so this has been an extremely busy month for him. I have 3 more kids that do online public school/homeschool. So, they're home all day with online classes, but since they're a public school, they have mandatory state testing just like regular public school. I have had to take them to do state testing on 4 different days overyhe last few weeks and the meeting place was 45 minutes from home, at a conference room in a mall. I also babysit 3 kids (1m, 4m, 4f), so hanging out for 4 to 5 hours a day on 4 different days with a shitload of kids at the f#cking mall was not easy. Not to mention the positions and "jobs" that I hold at church. To say I'm busy is an understatement.
We've been planning on moving for the last few months because a position at my husband's work is coming open near where he grew up, which is in another state. His parents recently moved back to their hometown after my FIL retired, so one reason for the move would be to be closer to them. They are getting older, so I would be taking care of them once they needed it, so moving closer seemed like a great option. Also, it's a lower COL area than we live in now. Currently we live in the metro area of a capital city and we would be moving to a middle of nowhere po'dunk town.
Told you, rabbit holes, thanks for still being with me!!!
And this is just the straw that broke the camel's back, this is not the only reason for my decision.
So, to the actual story...
Last week, I got a mother's day card in the mail from BM. She's a dollar tree card fanatic. It was a very typical card that she sends me. Nothing handwritten except for "love, grandma and grandpa." This is what she writes in all my cards. (Another tangent...last year my mom passed a month before mother's day and that actual mother's day was her and my dad's anniversary. And I had a super complicated relationship with my momster. So, it was an exceptionally hard day for me. The card she got me said "Daughter" in huge letters on the front. I thought it was so incredibly passive aggressive and completely inappropriate for that year. If it would've been any other year, it would've been fine. Also, she never gets me cards that just say "daughter" so, to me, it was a low blow.) (Yet another tangent...she does passive aggressive crap all the time, for instance when she used to do fb birthday posts, she would always ask me to send her a pic to post. I'm picky about what pics are used and she knows that. Last year, I sent her a great pic of me and her son to use. So, she used one from about 12 years ago that looked like absolute poop. It was a surprise pic, so like not even posed, stupid look on my face. No matter what pic I send, and usually send like 3, she uses a completely different one that doesn't even look good.) I got the card last Tuesday. Hubby happened to be talking to her while driving home from work that day, so when he got home, I thanked her for the card and just wanted to give her a heads up that I hadn't gotten a chance to mail hers yet because of everything I had going on. I kinda broke down and was sharing how I felt and she basically just said, "suck it up, it'll be fine." She's always been dismissive of my feelings, always.
So, my CM is the sweetest lady you'll ever meet. She listens to me, lets me share my feelings without being dismissive, and actually shows she cares. I see her twice weekly at church, and text with her during the week. Since BM has moved 8 moths ago, she has called or texted "just to talk or check in on us" less than a handful of times. She only calls/texts when she needs something or on a special occasion. She called my husband to ask about something, not just to talk. I understand now why the oldest grandson, my nephew, didn't even bother to invite her to his and his girlfriend's baby shower where he proposed. She thinks she's an amazing grandma bc she sends birthday money in a card and posts their pics on Facebook. And, she even stopped posting the kids birthday messages on fb bc she said it was "too much trouble." So, she just sticks to her 30 daily inspirational Bible quotes posts. She's the type that was so pissed off that both of her kids went with courthouse marriages instead of going into debt for a wedding because she didn't get to walk down the aisle at her kids' weddings and post pics on fb. She's mentioned this several times, but definitely wasn't even willing to spend a dime towards a wedding that no one wanted except her. She was also unwilling to take a day off work to go to the courthouse with us. With both of her kids' marriages, the kids and partners were together for a while and had kids before getting married, so spending tons of money on a huge wedding for either of us couples wouldn't have been the best way to spend money.
On mother's day, I gave my CM a card with a few lines written in it about how amazing she is and how I'm so grateful for her. I'm way closer to her than BM. CM is my chosen family and to me, your chosen family is the one that means more because you chose them, you didn't just get stuck with them. My blood family is incredibly toxic, so I stick with my chosen family. CM made a fb post with all that she got for mother's day. It was gifts and cards from her own children, and of course my card as well. CM & BM are fb friends, so of course BM saw it. Also, BM has everyone convinced she's this sweet, little old church lady, but she is far from it.
So, this Tuesday she got her cards in the mail. I always give her one from hubby and myself, and a separate one from our boys. I wrote a nice little note in it. Not long, a line or 2, but it was more effort than she put into my card. She sent me and hubby the following in a group text...
Copy and pasted, only edited out names.
"Got my cards in the mail today. 😭. They were post marked Saturday. You could of kept them til I got there or next year. It's like yall bought them Saturday, wrote a few words and rushed to get them to post office. My heart 💔broken. I thought I deserved better. I wish I could send pictures of my card verses [CM] 😩 card. I couldnt tell which gift was yours. But least I have a year to try do better and be worthy of such wonderful words of love and praise that was written to her.
I don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful but I wished you hadn't mailed them.😭😭. I can't explain how crushed I am.😔 Anyway hopefully I will see yall on the 20th."
Note: my oldest son is graduating on the 20th. She was supposed to drive down and spend the night with us to attend the graduation. I honestly believe she picked this fight because she doesn't want to drive the 6 hours down here.
If you "don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful" then why tf did you send it? I asked my husband what was his initial reaction and he said, "Really?!? All she had to do was say thanks."
So, after I talked to my husband and oldest son (I wanted to make sure everyone was on board with what I was saying before I sent it) , I sent her this response:
"I mailed them on Friday, I bought them several weeks ago. I told you I hadn't mailed them yet because I've been in a deep depression and you dismissed my feelings like always. I have real, valid feelings and you always dismissed them as silly. And come after me because now you're feelings are hurt. Wow, ok. The absolute audacity. And it's not just with your cards that I'm slacking. It's with everything. Because I have depression. I'm overwhelmed on top of that and literally the only thing you care about is a card. I tried to express my feelings the other day on the phone and you dismissed them like you always do. I know things will be fine, but in this moment they are not and you don't get that. Because you don't understand how or why I feel the way I do, then my feelings are silly or invalid to you.
And I never gave [CM] a present. Don't know why you thought that.
Don't worry about coming down on the 20th."
She replies by trying to blackmail me;
"Well my am so sorry I said anything. I never realized you thought that about me. I never dismissed your depression but yes i never knew what to do for you. I am not going to go back and forth about this. I will text [son] and let him know you told me not to come."
She's not sorry to me for being dismissive, she's sorry because now she doesn't get her "Proud MeMe moment" and can't post pictures of her at his graduation on fb. And even if she didn't "know what to do" for me, all she had to do was ask. Or listen. Or give a damn hug. But, no, she just dismissed me bc to her depression isn't real. And she's not going back and forth bc she knows shes wrong! Little did she know that I had already cleared it with hubby and son before sending the text, so I think she thought it would make me look bad to my oldest son that I told her no to come. Oldest son said, "I'm neutral, I don't care if she comes or not. It's not like she's had anything to do with us since she moved, and barely had anything to do with us when she was here."
So, my last text to her said, "He knows. I asked him before I texted you, and he's good with it."
All she had to do was say thanks or not even say anything at all. But, no, she had to say something stupid. Even her own son said that she's lucky she even got a card bc if it was up to him, her actual son, she wouldn't have gotten anything. So, not only is she not invited to the graduation, she's never welcome in my home again. The great part is I don't have to share my holidays with her ever again!!! And please know that I'd never keep her grandchildren from her, but if she wants a relationship with them, she'll have to put some effort in. And we all know boomers hate effort.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you my friends!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/DdJxUSevYf0
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