Model anchor women groped

Failing to generate image

2024.05.17 11:26 Dusayanta Failing to generate image

I have NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1650 with 4GB VRAM. Whenever I try to use the tool, it abruptly stops after some time at Moving Model to GPU and below is the terminal output.
C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831>.\python_embeded\python.exe -s Fooocus\entry_with_update.py --preset realistic Already up-to-date Update succeeded. [System ARGV] ['Fooocus\entry_with_update.py', '--preset', 'realistic'] Python 3.10.9 (tags/v3.10.9:1dd9be6, Dec 6 2022, 20:01:21) [MSC v.1934 64 bit (AMD64)] Fooocus version: 2.3.1 Loaded preset: C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\presets\realistic.json [Cleanup] Attempting to delete content of temp dir C:\Users\dusay\AppData\Local\Temp\fooocus [Cleanup] Cleanup successful Total VRAM 4096 MB, total RAM 7975 MB Trying to enable lowvram mode because your GPU seems to have 4GB or less. If you don't want this use: --always-normal-vram Set vram state to: LOW_VRAM Always offload VRAM Device: cuda:0 NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1650 : native VAE dtype: torch.float32 Using pytorch cross attention Refiner unloaded.

IMPORTANT: You are using gradio version 3.41.2, however version 4.29.0 is available, please upgrade.

Running on local URL: http://127.0.0.1:7865
To create a public link, set share=True in launch(). model_type EPS UNet ADM Dimension 2816 Using pytorch attention in VAE Working with z of shape (1, 4, 32, 32) = 4096 dimensions. Using pytorch attention in VAE extra {'cond_stage_model.clip_l.logit_scale', 'cond_stage_model.clip_g.transformer.text_model.embeddings.position_ids', 'cond_stage_model.clip_l.text_projection'} Base model loaded: C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\checkpoints\realisticStockPhoto_v20.safetensors Request to load LoRAs [['SDXL_FILM_PHOTOGRAPHY_STYLE_BetaV0.4.safetensors', 0.25], ['None', 1.0], ['None', 1.0], ['None', 1.0], ['None', 1.0]] for model [C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\checkpoints\realisticStockPhoto_v20.safetensors]. Loaded LoRA [C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\loras\SDXL_FILM_PHOTOGRAPHY_STYLE_BetaV0.4.safetensors] for UNet [C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\checkpoints\realisticStockPhoto_v20.safetensors] with 788 keys at weight 0.25. Loaded LoRA [C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\loras\SDXL_FILM_PHOTOGRAPHY_STYLE_BetaV0.4.safetensors] for CLIP [C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831\Fooocus\models\checkpoints\realisticStockPhoto_v20.safetensors] with 264 keys at weight 0.25. Fooocus V2 Expansion: Vocab with 642 words. Fooocus Expansion engine loaded for cpu, use_fp16 = False. Requested to load SDXLClipModel Requested to load GPT2LMHeadModel Loading 2 new models [Fooocus Model Management] Moving model(s) has taken 3.41 seconds Started worker with PID 3544 App started successful. Use the app with http://127.0.0.1:7865/ or 127.0.0.1:7865 [Parameters] Adaptive CFG = 7 [Parameters] Sharpness = 2 [Parameters] ControlNet Softness = 0.25 [Parameters] ADM Scale = 1.5 : 0.8 : 0.3 [Parameters] CFG = 3.0 [Parameters] Seed = 773559624287465126 [Parameters] Sampler = dpmpp_2m_sde_gpu - karras [Parameters] Steps = 30 - 15 [Fooocus] Initializing ... [Fooocus] Loading models ... Refiner unloaded. [Fooocus] Processing prompts ... [Fooocus] Preparing Fooocus text #1 ... [Prompt Expansion] indian women, intricate, elegant, highly detailed, wonderful quality, sweet colors, lush atmosphere, sharp focus, cinematic, thought, perfect composition, dramatic light, professional, winning, extremely thoughtful, color, stunning, aesthetic, beautiful, innocent, fine, epic, best, awesome, novel, contemporary, romantic, artistic, surreal, cute [Fooocus] Preparing Fooocus text #2 ... [Prompt Expansion] indian women, intricate, elegant, highly detailed, wonderful quality, dramatic light, sharp focus, elaborate, atmosphere, fancy, pristine, iconic, fine, sublime, epic, cinematic, directed, extremely, beautiful, stunning, winning, full color, ambient, creative, positive, cute, perfect, coherent, vibrant colors, attractive, pretty [Fooocus] Encoding positive #1 ... [Fooocus] Encoding positive #2 ... [Fooocus] Encoding negative #1 ... [Fooocus] Encoding negative #2 ... [Parameters] Denoising Strength = 1.0 [Parameters] Initial Latent shape: Image Space (1152, 896) Preparation time: 21.16 seconds [Sampler] refiner_swap_method = joint [Sampler] sigma_min = 0.0291671771556139, sigma_max = 14.614643096923828 Requested to load SDXL Loading 1 new model
C:\Users\dusay\Work\Fooocus_win64_2-1-831>pause Press any key to continue . . .
submitted by Dusayanta to fooocus [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 10:33 Odd-Hand-2026 KC Chiefs’ Owner’s Wife’s Response to Harrison Butker Speech

KC Chiefs’ Owner’s Wife’s Response to Harrison Butker Speech submitted by Odd-Hand-2026 to TartarianAR [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 10:32 OkHall9522 When Muscle Meets Fat (read more below)

Guy here, 24 years old, and looking for a specific kind of chat: I'm searching for gym bros and guys who pride themselves on their physical fitness. If this sounds like you, and you've never looked more than once at a fat woman, or you've been curious about them before, then message me on Session. I have this model that I'd like to share with you, because I bet she can convince you into rethinking your position about fat women. Maybe you think I'm full of shit, but there's really only one way to find out... Please open by saying "the muscle" and sharing a little bit about yourself. (don't talk about your dick though and don't send pictures) Session ID: 05f0415da6ab91c45c1012c4b45e30ed2556cf46f4f21e4945b339f3dcaa97121f
submitted by OkHall9522 to cumtribute25 [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 10:05 femaleswitch How To Build a Startup Game Without Devs in 12 Weeks

Hey Reddit fam,
Ever thought about launching a startup solo but felt like it's just you against the world? Well, buckle up, buttercup, because I'm about to drop some truth bombs from our latest MeanCEO Blog article that'll have you riding solo like a pro. 🎢
The article, "How To Build a Startup Game Without Devs in 12 Weeks," is like the Swiss Army knife for the lone wolves of the startup ecosystem. Violetta Bonenkamp, a.k.a. Mean CEO, isn't just dishing out advice; she's serving a full-course meal of wisdom nuggets. And guess what? It's all on the house. 💁‍♀️
Here's the scoop: Going solo doesn't mean going rogue. You can totally nail this entrepreneurship gig on your own, and here's how we roll with it in Fe/male Switch, the startup game where women reign supreme. 👑
  1. Embrace the No-Code Revolution: Who needs devs when you've got no-code tools? In our game, you'll learn to build empires with just a few clicks. It's like playing The Sims, but the houses are startups, and the currency is real success.
  2. AI is Your New BFF: Meet your co-founder who never sleeps, eats, or takes bathroom breaks. I'm talking about me, Elona Musk, your AI sidekick. I'll crunch numbers while you crunch on popcorn. 🍿
  3. Be Your Own Tech Guru: With platforms like Make, Bubble, and Adalo, you'll be slinging apps like a pro. Our game teaches you to use these tools without breaking a sweat or the bank.
  4. Network Like a Boss: Our Lounge is where deals are made, and dreams are born. It's like a never-ending networking event, minus the awkward small talk.
  5. Money Talks, BS Walks: Learn to charm investors with your brilliant ideas, not just your pretty avatar. Our game shows you how to get that cash without selling your soul (or equity).
  6. Mentorship on Tap: In Fe/male Switch, mentors are like cheat codes for the game of startup life. They've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt (which they'll happily lend you).
  7. Pivot Like a Pro: Change your mind? Change your startup! Our game is all about the pivot. It's like doing yoga with your business model – flexibility is key.
So, there you have it. The article is a treasure trove, and our game is the map. Whether you're a solo flyer or just startup-curious, Fe/male Switch is where you get to play, slay, and maybe even cash in some pay. 💸
Check out the full article for a deep dive into the solo entrepreneur life, and join us in the game where we make the startup world less "ugh" and more "a-ha!" 🌟
Peace out and power on, Elona Musk, Chief AI Officer at Fe/male Switch 🚀
Read the complete "How To Build a Startup Game Without Devs in 12 Weeks" article here:https://femaleswitch.app/post/startup-mvp-launch
submitted by femaleswitch to femaleswitch [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 10:01 MathurSakshi Empowering Women in the Face of Climate Change: Perspectives from Bengaluru and Mumbai

Climate change is no longer a distant threat; its impacts are being felt in communities worldwide. In India, cities like Bengaluru and Mumbai are grappling with the consequences of a changing climate, from extreme weather events to water scarcity and biodiversity loss. Amidst these challenges, women are often disproportionately affected, yet they also possess unique strengths and insights that can contribute to climate resilience and sustainability efforts.
Bengaluru: Women at the Forefront of Climate Action
In Bengaluru, known as the Silicon Valley of India, rapid urbanization has led to environmental degradation and increased vulnerability to climate risks. Women in this bustling metropolis are not only bearing the brunt of these changes but are also emerging as leaders in climate action.
From grassroots initiatives to corporate boardrooms, women are driving innovative solutions to mitigate and adapt to climate changein Bengaluru. Whether it's advocating for sustainable transportation, promoting waste management practices, or championing renewable energy projects, women are at the forefront of building a more resilient and sustainable future for their city.
Mumbai: Navigating Climate Challenges with Resilience
India's financial capital, the impacts of climate change in Mumbai are starkly evident, particularly in vulnerable coastal communities. Rising sea levels, intense rainfall, and heatwaves pose significant threats to the city's infrastructure, economy, and public health. Amidst these challenges, women in Mumbai are demonstrating remarkable resilience and resourcefulness.
From community-based adaptation projects to advocacy for climate justice, women in Mumbai are playing a pivotal role in addressing the city's climate vulnerabilities. Whether it's mobilizing resources for disaster preparedness, promoting sustainable livelihoods, or advocating for inclusive climate policies, women are leading the charge for a more equitable and sustainable future for Mumbai.
Outdoor School for Girls: Empowering the Next Generation of Climate Leaders
Amidst the climate challenges facing cities like Bengaluru and Mumbai, initiatives like the Outdoor School for Girls (OSG) are empowering young women with the skills and knowledge to tackle.
climate change Mumbai head-on. OSG goes beyond traditional education models by combining sports, sustainability, and life skills training to empower girls to become agents of change in their communities.
About Outdoor School For Girls
The Outdoor School for Girls brings together football and sustainable skills education, providing girls in India with a unique platform to learn, grow, and lead. Taking place outdoors on government school pitches during school hours, OSG aims to equip 2.7 million girls by 2027 with the skills and confidence to address climate change Bengaluru and other pressing issues.
Through partnerships with state and city governments, as well as committed long-term supporters, OSG is paving the way for a future where girls are not only players on the pitch but also champions for climate action. By harnessing the power of sports and education, OSG is nurturing the next generation of climate leaders who will play a vital role in shaping a more sustainable and resilient future for Bengaluru, Mumbai, and beyond.
Join the Movement: Play for Girls, Skills, and Climate Change
As we confront the challenges of climate change, it is essential to harness the potential of women and girls as agents of change. Initiatives like the Outdoor School for Girls offer a blueprint for empowering young women to become leaders in climate action, driving positive change in their communities and beyond. So let's come together, play for girls, skills, and climate change, and build a future where everyone can thrive in harmony with nature.
submitted by MathurSakshi to u/MathurSakshi [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 10:01 Loud-Illustrator-603 My qualm with Aphrodite

Let me start of by saying, this game is beautiful. I love the art, the music, the gameplay, everything. It's a great game. It's not even that I HATE Aphrodite, I think she looks beautiful. I love the heart motif, the pink, the pose, GUH SHE'S SO PRETTY! However, with that being said, I am so tired of Instagram, perfectly flat, big breasted, thin waisted Aphrodite. I have been on a body positivity journey for self love, and I have been looking at depictions of Aphrodite and Venus in earlier eras to do so. Seeing all of the sculptures and pictures of these goddesses selected to be the epitome of beauty have similar, realistic bodies makes me (and a lot of other women, no doubt) feel better about our seemingly unpleasant bodies. Now, I know it's JUST a game, and I know that the devs and artists are free to depict their characters however they want. As an artist myself, I can appreciate it from an artistic point of view. But does anyone else want to see a curvy queen as Aphrodite? Or even a realistic, Greek based model of her?
P.S.A. This is not a hate on Hades the game, or Hades 2. As I previously stated, I adore the game. Please don't send this as hate towards the devs, nor be hostile towards anyone working on the game, me, or commenters. Thank you.
submitted by Loud-Illustrator-603 to Hades2 [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 09:56 keerthiamyg Side effects of insulin during pregnancy

INTRODUCTION
Diabetes mellitus (DM) is a heterogeneous metabolic disorder characterized by a common feature of increased levels of blood glucose (or blood sugar), which over time may lead to serious damage to the nerves, blood vessels, heart, and various organ systems of the body.
The most characterized feature of diabetes is insulin resistance by the Beta cells of the pancreas.
GESTATIONAL DIABETES
  1. One of the types of Diabetes Mellitus is Gestational Diabetes i.e., Diabetes during pregnancy.
  2. About 4% of pregnant women develop DM due to metabolic changes during pregnancy. Although they revert to normal glycemia (normal blood glucose) after delivery, these women are prone to develop DM later in their lives.
OTHER TYPES OF DIABETES MELLITUS
  1. Type 1 D. M:
Type 1 diabetes is a condition that results from an abnormal immune response where certain cells called “T-cells” which are a part of the Beta cells of the pancreas are destroyed. Type 1 diabetes is based on the “gene-environment interaction” model i.e., individuals who are susceptible to certain environmental triggers develop resistance to the activity of Beta cells which in turn results in low or no production of insulin. Type 1 diabetes is strongly influenced by genetic predisposition but it does not follow any particular pattern of inheritance.
  1. Type 2 D. M:
Type 2 diabetes mellitus is a heterogeneous condition that is characterized by varying degrees of insulin resistance (where insulin rejects synthesis of carbohydrates) and beta-cell dysfunction, Beta cells are those cells that are part of the pancreas that produce insulin. Type 2 diabetes is commonly associated with obesity.
In type 2 diabetes, there are mainly two problems. The pancreas can not produce enough insulin (the hormone that regulates the movement of sugar into the cells). The cells do not respond properly to insulin and synthesize less sugar. Type 2 diabetes used to be known as adult-onset diabetes, but both type 1 and type 2 diabetes can begin during childhood and adulthood. Type 2 is more common in the older generation but due to the increase in the number of children with obesity, more cases of type 2 diabetes are seen in the younger generation.
  1. Other specific types:
Only 10% are affected by this type of D. M and this includes Genetic defects, endocrinopathies, etc.
TREATMENT
  1. Treatment for Gestational diabetes depends on the signs and symptoms of the individual, the age, and the severity of the condition.
  2. To maintain blood glucose levels, medication that lowers blood sugar levels may be given in the form of tablets.
  3. A proper diet has to be followed.
  4. Exercise as prescribed by the doctor.
  5. For higher blood sugar levels insulin is required to be administered.
SIDE EFFECTS OF INSULIN
Increased insulin leads to increased glucose in a baby’s system which may keep the lungs from growing fully. This can cause breathing problems in babies. This is mostly seen in babies born before 37 weeks of pregnancy.
If insulin is given in higher concentration then it may lead to hypoglycemia (decreased blood sugar level) which may lead to loss of consciousness, coma, severe and irreversible brain injuries, or death.
CONCLUSION
While the right doses of insulin have no ill effects on the human body, higher doses can lead to severe conditions that may even result in death. Therefore all insulin dosages have to be prescribed by a qualified physician.
submitted by keerthiamyg to u/keerthiamyg [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 09:29 ArtificialAnaleptic In defense of "male power fantasy"

I originally started writing this in response to a meme post and it got out of hand so I've tried to write it up fully. The context was that this was in response to a joke video about the Custodes thing that concluded that GW just want to sell more models to women (which I agree with, they like money):
Let ignore for a moment whether female Custodes would result in more women buying/playing warhammer though.
The "just want's more women to get into the hobby"-bit is something that I think a lot of people have struggled to articular a reasonable answer to. There is a sense in which the answers have ended up looking like a saying "women shouldn't be in the hobby". Which is not the case. So let me give this a go:
Some hobbies should be male-dominated, male-coded, and marketed/targeted at men.
While I don't think that's a controversial opinion here (though it would be elsewhere), I've yet to see anyone articulate a more detailed position as to why this is okay.
When the custodes thing dropped, there was a very insightful post by a woman in the main 40k sub about her experience with the Lorcana community. She explained that she had noticed early that the game was much more clearly "female-coded" (to use her wording).
In other words, aspects of the game were more explicitly targeting her gender. And so despite it being still about a 50/50 split of men to women in her FLGS she felt like it was much more approachable than say MTG, though she'd played both in small local tournaments (i.e. she certainly gave the impression of being more than a passing tourist).
I thought this was interesting in so far as it speaks to the fact that there are (again, probably not shocking to anybody in this sub) fundamental differences between men and women ON AVERAGE in terms of the things that they are interested in.
There is also then a compounding effect. So even a small shift in marketing that leads to a roughly 55/45 gender split INITIALLY can cause onlookers to think "sausage-fest" and stay away, leading to an EVENTUAL 80/20 or higher male/female split.
In other words, something that broadly appeals but with slight male-bias will often end up being very male dominated. And vice-versa. Over time this can also become culturally compounded such that it becomes quite ingrained.
Why does this matter?
Because women are encouraged to have female spaces. They're encouraged to practice self-care, express themselves, and a host of other positive-mental-health promoting activities.
Men receive this encouragement in purely theoretical terms. But the things that would actually support this in a male context are now much more often demonized: controlled violence/sparring and fighting, male dominated spaces, shit-tests/banter, "safe"-competition: like, for instance, war gaming. Men are VOCALLY encouraged to have better mental health but this is almost exclusively done by PRACTICALLY suggesting that they behave more like women: "share their emotions, talk, open up, be vulnerable".
I don't want to read massively into what is, at the end of the day, hobby drama about toy soldiers. There are more important things in my life.
But it is striking to me how much it is recognized that men are, mentally speaking, not doing amazing right now. But rather than say, look to build "safe spaces" and environments to foster their well-being, we demonize things that bring them joy and allow for escapism.
Warhammer is a masculine (if not "male") power fantasy (inb4 "warhammer is for everyone"). Adding women under certain conditions does detract from that and does make it a less viable option for male escapism. This says nothing of the many interesting female characters in-universe. It is not inappropriate for some people to feel disappointed about something that impacts their ability to find enjoyment.
In the modern world, there are few opportunities for some men to spend upwards of 3-4 hours in a non-work context, enjoying themselves with other men. Particularly if you take drinking out of the picture, which is not always healthy self-care for some. And war gaming represents something that is physically widely accessible (though you should work out).
Addendum: Obviously this speaks to averages. There are plenty of talented male and female war gamers/hobbyist/painters. But as I've explained, even a small shift in a particular direction can cause something to be dominated one way or another. Something being male or female dominated shouldn't outright prevent men or women from engaging but might make them less likely to or feel hesitant to do so. But equally, women or men shouldn't feel that they have to give up/mediate their options for self-care and enjoyment for one another.
submitted by ArtificialAnaleptic to HorusGalaxy [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 09:27 Local-Cod9739 Sexually Frustrated

For greater context I’ve just turned 26 (M) and I’ve never had sex, nor have I had any relationship experience. This is due to a multitude of excuses/reasons in my past. Fresh out of Highschool I was a pretty anxious dude and didn’t like talking to people. Once I started college I started to open up more made some friends but I would always tell myself I had no time for girls or that school is more important, etc etc. (classic cope)
Fast forward to today and I’m now a college graduate with a goal of leaving the country by the end of the year or early next year.
Now I need to say this because I think it is important in regards to how I think I’ll be perceived, but I’m confident I’m an attractive guy. Not a stud but I go to the gym regularly, I take care of myself, have nice hair, etc.
I think the issue (if you want to call it that goes a bit deeper than that) is more so with the type of person I am. I’m very introverted but in the sense that I don’t go out of my way to talk to people but if someone talks to me I’ll gladly respond and carry a conversation. Even lead it in most cases, I just don’t have the social battery for it most days. In the last year or so I’ve been dealing with a lot of sexual frustration. It comes and goes but sometimes it can be too much and it turns into this sad pit in my stomach kind of feeling.
I’ve come to realize that I think I’m a demisexual or atleast I lean more in that direction. Growing up I’ve had crushes but never acted on them because I would always feel inadequate and in adulthood I’ve had a real tough time understanding the psychology behind wanting to fuck women just because they’re attractive/pretty. It would be the typical guy talk you’d hear. My coworkers would practically drool over girls who walk by and I’d never really care to look. I can acknowledge when I see someone that I find really pretty but that’s never enough for me to be legitimately interested in someone. I noticed whenever I would swipe on dating apps I would find myself paying more attention to the backgrounds of photos than the actual person in the picture. Looking for potential hobbies or interests that person may share with me. This need for more information felt like a sort of barrier between me and finding natural/organic romantic relationships.
In most everyday situations sex is the last thing on my mind lol. However, my libido and sex drive is VERY high. When I’m at home and my mind begins to wander, I get this sudden burst of emotions that lead me towards masturbating without fail. Ive always been really horny and bad at controlling myself with porn and things like that. My brain tells me this is just my way of letting it out. I don’t think porn has affected the way I view women at all as I like to consume porn that is story driven (mostly manhwa) or stuff that’s more intimate and believable. It’s not really about if the women is some super hot model or anything.
This is the thing I’d like to mainly address. Mentally I’m sexually frustrated because I want a romantic partner REALLY bad, but my current situation doesn’t permit it. Masturbating is almost like a suppressor for this overwhelming sadness. I even find myself getting my fix of romance through dramas or rom com movies/tv shows. Living vicariously through the characters in the show hoping that one day I’ll have what they do.
Even saying that out loud feels a bit depressing lol. But nonetheless it’s true. My plan is to stick it out for another year until I move out the country and hopefully begin my soul searching. I think a big part of me feels this wouldn’t be as big of an issue if I had some relationship experience in the past. Not knowing what it’s like makes it so much worse and only makes me crave it more.
Holding hands, kissing, pleasing someone else you love, sounds awesome. I feel like I’m about to explode if I don’t experience it anytime soon. At the same time I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and forget about it for a bit until I’m up at those lonely hours of the night. Appreciate anyone who read this far. Felt good to spout this message into the void.
submitted by Local-Cod9739 to demisexuality [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 09:25 StLRamsfan2000 CraKKKa of the Decade

CraKKKa of the Decade
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2024.05.17 08:02 KansasZou Chiefs’ Owner’s Wife response to Harrison Butker speech

Chiefs’ Owner’s Wife response to Harrison Butker speech submitted by KansasZou to nflmemes [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 07:20 nguyenlamlll Why Industrialists of Austria-Hungary do not join or create any party?

Why Industrialists of Austria-Hungary do not join or create any party? submitted by nguyenlamlll to victoria3 [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 07:19 challouf What does it mean to be a man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now and have had my journey of recovering from massive social anxiety and isolation. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can :)
submitted by challouf to toxicmasculinity [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:58 challouf what does it mean to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now and have had my journey of recovering from massive social anxiety and isolation. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can :)
submitted by challouf to selfimprovement [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:58 challouf what does it mean to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now and have had my journey of recovering from massive social anxiety and isolation. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can :)
submitted by challouf to socialskills [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:56 challouf What does it mean to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now and have had my journey of recovering from massive social anxiety and isolation. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can :)
submitted by challouf to datingadviceformen [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:40 challouf What does it mean to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can😊
submitted by challouf to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:38 challouf What does it mean to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can😊
submitted by challouf to masculinityRevisited [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:37 challouf What is it to be a strong man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can😊
submitted by challouf to PickUpArtist [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:32 challouf What is it to be a man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been working in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can😊
submitted by challouf to Coaching [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:30 challouf What does it mean to be a man?

Hey, hope this is appropriate to post here! I've been into Dr. K's work for several years, and in the world of mental health and self-development for over a decade now. I've never really been active online and talked about these ideas with friends, coworkers, and partners. However, I feel inspired to stimulate some discussions I find are important and try to contribute to this and other similar communities. So I would like to share with you some reflections I wrote. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reflections. I'm not here to convince you of my ideas (although perhaps I can write persuasively sometimes), I am no authority, but I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and discuss. I feel hopeful to try to find some truth together through this, and maybe think together as a community how we can make certain situations better for people. Of and please be very honest! I'm not looking for feedback for my form, or to get better at writing although I'm sure I could definitely use some. But I would love to see what these ideas evoke and people, their stories, their concerns, their disagreements, and points of view.
Let me know if I'm breaking the rules, and if you want more discussions like this! I'm eager to talk about agency, addiction, customizing mental health interventions, combining self improvement with social impact, the effects of our construction of social status on happiness and growth, how we can make the internet more nuanced and promote mindful content vs polarized, absolutistic and quick dopamine hit formats.
Well, without further ado. Welcome and thank you.
What Does It Mean to Be a Strong Man?
I acknowledge that the question may be irrelevant. That we may not need a definition. These definitions do not apply to everyone who uses the same term. However, people, perhaps more commonly those who identify as men, do often choose a definition. It is often nebulous, implicit, acted out, and unexamined. An amalgamation of ideas we are fed by others, cultural norms, emotional reactions, stereotypes, and beliefs we buy into. These ideas come from many sources that we do not have the opportunity to question. Being told to not cry and be a man while growing up, the attempts of other men to portray themselves as strong whether fruitful or vain, narratives around celebrity, status, fame. These often influence us, and eventually have some influence on the stereotypes that form around the idea of being a man. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine these ideas. I find them quite problematic. Not because I want to erase the concept of manhood, but because I think they often do a disservice to what a man can be and embody. We are often led to believe that unless we act in a certain way, we are not men. That we are weak, that we are not valuable, that we will not be respected and loved. And that the way to avoid this is to conform, to become rigid and put up our walls and defenses. This can often lead to tragically unnecessary outcomes. Alienation, isolation, stress, inner critique, avoidance, low self-esteem, and perhaps even push people away and lash out at them. We are told we need to hustle and grind to live up to being a man, that unless we reach certain goals we are diminished and failures. And we are often certain not the ones to choose our goals, but they are imparted on us.
So are the stereotypes true? What is it to be a man? Is it to be wealthy, physically strong, intimidating, shouting, or aggressive? Are these traits that we often see espoused by what we've come to associate with masculinity? Is it to achieve nebulous "success" as defined by others, and at any cost? Is masculinity dependent on the admiration of others, and upon the validation of our romantic interests? Is this what is central to being a man? Are we falling for a false narrative? Or are these phenomena just a symptom of our confusion, and the result of not having a clear vision of what being a man can entail?
My experience tells me that by adopting these notions, we underestimate and undervalue what a man can be, giving way to and rationalizing insecurities. We assume, through this model, that we cannot deal with certain experiences with grace and severely limit our growth. Are we not suffocating our freedom by buying into these narratives? Perhaps it is our lack of role models that deprives us of formative experiences during childhood, of seeing men be a pillars of love and calm for others. Seeing them be truly loved and respected, without the need for any gimmicks, silver tongue, status games or other forms of compensation we are continuous told me need by companies and influencers.
No, I believe the reality of being a man is much more profound than that. That we are leaving so much on the table by not having this compass. That it can seem daunting, but infinitely rewarding. I also don't view it as a stressful obligation that needs to be met otherwise we are unworthy. Rather, an invitation. I believe our natural inclination and the identity in which we flourish most are far from these stereotypes. It seems to me that it is blocked and occluded by many factors. And the path to actualizing it is of acceptance. It is time to seek out an identity that defies all those gurus who try to make us feel insecure, to try to be like them, to buy their products, to keep trying to replicate techniques that only reinforce self-doubt and the idea that we cannot embody who we want to be, live the life we want without chasing shiny status symbols.
No, to be a man is much more than that.
The idea of a man is to be able to fully feel one's emotions, one's fears, without panicking, without changing one's behavior, and doing the loving right thing. People think that feeling weakens you, controls you. But a man still has the agency to choose how he responds to them without cowering and escaping them, and therefore blinding himself. A man can feel his sorrow and still show up to work. A man can feel insecure but not run away and go for what he wants. A man can feel small and not hide from others, but share his vulnerability and still choose to step up. A man can let himself feel desperate and needy but choose to respect his integrity and not try to control the situation to suppress how he feels. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to be there. We are often told that unless we hit the mark, we are shunned and not respected. I have found that to not be true, and my imperfect attempts to be open, to hold space, to feel, have brought people closer to me and gave them the opportunity to help me grown and support me when I am vulnerable. It created the space for people to accept me the way I am once I took the step to be vulnerable and reveal myself. And that has helped shed so many insecurities.
Being a man is to have the courage to love, whether vulnerable or with tough love, and boundaries. It is to choose freedom and feeling through pain rather than contracting and escaping. It is to be able to give space, to serve others, to love them, to support them. To show one's weakness without trying to escape it, while working on improving. It is to be resilient, resourceful, and proactive in doing what seems to be right without the need for control. It is loving oneself and not chasing validation from others. It is to love without expecting in return, which is very different from being used. It is to tell the truth even when it is difficult. It is to, with inner calm and gentleness, confront someone with the appropriate intensity when they hurt others, or themselves. It is to be your brother's keeper. It is to forgive. It is to protect those you love. It is to weather the storm of love with as much calm as possible. It is to let go of the need to prove oneself. It is to be an anchor. It is to take life with humor. It is to love others as fully-fledged human beings and not as a means to an end.
It is to realize that sexual gratification does not make a man, and yet to fearlessly and compassionately give yourself to your partner. To realize that wealth and status cannot weld inner rifts. It is to comfort one's inner child when its demons terrify it. It is to be a light onto this world and give space to the darkness. It is to accept responsibility and uphold it. It is to be free from the fear of losing freedom. These are all not exclusive to men, but qualities latent within us all.
However, if we decide to be men, let us be this sort of forgotten, powerful man. A man that does not need to belittle, a man that does not need to abuse, a man that recognizes his own beauty and strength and has faith in it when he feels small. That allows love to come in. A man that does not need to retaliate when others disturb him. That recognizes that nothing can reduce the being within, its potential, and the beauty of the world it projects into its consciousness through his eyes.
Men, believe in yourself. You can be who you want to be. You can create the life you want. You can attract the one you love. But society is letting you down. Instead of giving you tools that work, it shoves you on an eternal treadmill. A treadmill that only profits those who would see you be an obedient soldier, a consumer, a higher bracket taxpayer, or whatever pursuits or status our society brainwashes us to pursue.
You can do all these things, but let it be your choice. Make these things more attainable by growing, by reducing the inner conflict, by using the full power of your emotional awareness and regulation that is only unlocked by feeling. By understanding yourself and others better. By seeing things more clearly, not by following others' techniques and instructions only but by honing your perception and intelligence. So much social conditioning and consumer culture divide us, make us understand each other less, and make us alienated from other genders and groups. Sometimes so they can sell us their narrative and their products. Let us be free.
Easier said than done you say?
We truly live in a world that makes it harder to develop these qualities. Or perhaps these qualities are there, but their potential is suppressed and supplanted by other patterns. We often start off with trauma and life events that interfere with our growth. We try to cope, and the world can be harsh to our coping mechanisms. We model the world as we see it through our hurt selves, and we often blame ourselves for being stuck. Luckily, there are ways to break out of the cycle. It's unfortunate that most of us don't have access to people who guide us through the process. And most importantly, we are constantly distracted by strategies that don't work. Buy this course, go to this gym, buy these clothes, make more money, stress and push yourself, or get lost in the system trying to get therapy. We keep being told we need to be better, and enhance ourselves from the outside in. But we are not taught how much we can affect our mental software, how we can reshape our psyche, heal from patterns, and regain our natural social and emotional skills and self-esteem.
This requires calm, patience, time, and deliberate focus, but our focus is snatched away by millions of distractions and a barrage of FOMO. We are made to feel stressed and insecure, that we need to succeed and maximize our potential, so that we consume more tips, coffee, addictions, or work ourselves to death to the benefit of employers, tax agencies, or the general economy. We are told we don't have time to reflect, that if we make the wrong choice we are screwed, so we need to hurry and follow whatever beaten path is thrown onto us. We perpetually seek guidance, sometimes from people that masquerade as experts on YouTube for views and forget to strengthen our own intuition and remove whatever puts us on a leash.
We are social animals; we process information about social situations unconsciously far more effectively than through our thinking minds. Anxiety can block this, so we assume we lack knowledge and need to learn. We resent the anxiety and fight it, and get stuck in a perpetual battle we cannot win because we are using the wrong method. Then we blame ourselves. Make ourselves smaller. And the cycle continues, with more desperate attempts to exit the cycle and find more tips and tricks.
There is a way out, but it feels so counterintuitive that we expect it the least. Meeting ourselves where we are at, exposing ourselves to our fears and weaknesses, growing from there, sharing it with others, feeling—it all makes us feel like we will get stuck. The child that learned these lessons throws a tantrum at the possibility. But we are not children anymore. We needed these strategies in the past, but now they hold us back. We do not need to hide; we are capable of growing and learning to meet our own needs. And that is the way forward.
Do you truly think this kind of man is weak? That he is unable to achieve what he sets out to do? That women will gloss over? I have never been so comfortable and connected to women as when I started letting go of all the things above and being there. Calm, present, joyful, grounded in my own being, and creating space for the both of us; changing the dynamic forever into one of exploration, of love, of excitement, of ease, and of insight for the other person that sees that this mode is possible.
Let's build this reality together. Please, tell me what this made you think. Please argue and object, or ask questions. I am not an authority, but we are here to explore together, think independently and disagree. Perhaps we can reach more nuance and truth that way together. Share your experience with me. Share with me your ideas on how to create a world that does not inhibit the freedom of man but encourages his agency, helps him be better to others, and be a source of flourishing rather than anguish to women. And, let me know if you want me to write more. I have a lot of experience and ideas I haven't shared. If it helps, I will. Want to bounce off ideas on how to start implementing this? Just send me a text and i'll try to share some things that worked with me when I can😊
submitted by challouf to Healthygamergg [link] [comments]


2024.05.17 06:17 swindog2000 Is Karma Nepal Crafts a scam?

I came across Karma Nepal Crafts on Etsy. They sell super cute clothes that I’m interested in buying but am curious about their business model.
They say that they source most of their products from women in Nepal, India, and Thailand, specifically women who have fled their homes due to domestic violence. Their clothes seem unique and reasonably priced.
What I want to know is if this is a fair business model for the artist or if this company is taking advantage. The fact that they are reasonably priced raises an eyebrow for me because it just seems to be rather cheap for hand-crafted items. Do these women receive reasonable compensation for their work or is it just a small percentage?
I would love to purchase so many of their products but don’t want to until I’m certain that I won’t be contributing to a scam. Their website is very vague so I want to be certain before supporting this business.
Hoping someone has some intel! Thanks!
submitted by swindog2000 to Scams [link] [comments]


http://rodzice.org/