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2024.05.17 10:17 tareekpetareek Manpasand was an accounting fraud with beverages on the side
 | Original Source: https://boringmoney.in/p/manpasand-an-accounting-fraud (my newsletter Boring Money. Do visit the original link and subscribe if you'd like to receive similar posts directly in your inbox) submitted by tareekpetareek to IndianStreetBets [link] [comments] Let’s say you’re a company that wants to commit an elaborate fraud. What is the most egregious fraud that you can think of? Maybe let’s not start with egregious. Let’s start with something simple! Here’s something that’s reasonably common:
Now let’s go egregious:
Here’s a SEBI order from late in April about Manpasand Beverages. Manpasand used to be a beverages company based in Gujarat. In 2019 the company shut down because it got caught in a bunch of frauds. It’s only now that SEBI published the details of what was happening. Probably best summarised by fund manager Amit Mantri: [1] https://preview.redd.it/o85shr8p3y0d1.jpg?width=603&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=26ace208d28eae2bb2401449f9b1dcc6bd1eefd0 Fake it till you make it (or don’t)Manpasand faked its revenue (of course). It also faked its expenses, customers, vendors, tax liabilities, etc. How did it get away with doing this stuff? I don’t know, someone’s gotta ask Deloitte. They were Manpasand’s auditor for eight years, resigning only in 2018. The company’s fraud came out officially in 2019—Deloitte, whose job was to make sure the books were right and also had access to all the inside information, figured that something was off only a year earlier!Anyway, SEBI appointed its own auditor to figure out what was wrong with Manpasand’s accounts and the auditor came back with a bunch of stuff. [2] Here’s the bit about Manpasand inflating its revenue. From SEBI’s order: … CGST vide letter dated July 07, 2019, inter alia, informed that Manpasand had shown inflated sales figure in its balance sheet by way of receipt/ supply of fake invoices without actual receipt/ supply of goods. It was further informed in the said letter that Manpasand had floated 38 bogus/paper firms to inflate its turnover and that inward and outward transactions made with such bogus firms amount to Rs.188.48 Crore and Rs. 691.30 Crore, respectively.Manpasand created 38 different companies and it both “sold” its products to those companies as well as “bought” stuff from some of them. Basically, Manpasand created real companies to play the role of its customers and vendors. … it was observed that the parties with whom transactions amounting to Rs.29.84 Crore were entered into, were not registered for dealing in the said goods/products being manufactured by the Company. Further, there was non-receipt of sale considerations and debtors balance were adjusted by passing journal entriesManpasand was a beverages company that was selling stuff to its customers. Traditionally a company like Manpasand might have distributors as customers but Manpasand’s customers were registered as something else entirely (I do wonder what, the order doesn’t mention it). These are fake customers that Manpasand created out of thin air. Establishing companies is quite a bit of effort! Why half-ass the part where you select the “business type”? I sort of understand though. I’ve done it too. Put so much effort into something that you’re bored by the end that you muck it up. I’m kidding! The real reason is probably that Manpasand wouldn’t have actually created these fake companies itself. There would be a middleman who would have them made in advance, all ready to go whenever needed to do fraud. Manpasand propped up its sales as well as its expenses by pretty much just funnelling money around from one entity to the other. In some instances, it wouldn’t even move real money around. It would just note down that it had to pay one company, and had to also collect payments from another company, and then cancel each other out. Manpasand was running its accounts on Splitwise. In general, there is nothing wrong with a company having such set-off arrangements. If you know your creditor owes money to your debtor, sure, cancel those transactions out. But how likely is it that a company’s suppliers and distributors know each other? And transact with each other? This post is public so feel free to share it. All except death and taxesIf you’re planning to do some accounting fraud, here’s something to keep in mind. I mean, I’m not not recommending that you do fraud, but if you do have your mind made up I might as well pass this along. Fake your sales, that’s fine. Fake your expenses, that’s fine too. But don’t fake your taxes, those guys will come after you.In 2019 right before Manpasand shut down, GST officials raided its offices and arrested the CEO, CFO and a director. If you think about it, one of the reasons Manpasand got away with its fraud for as long as it did was that its accounts looked reasonably realistic. Deloitte made sure of that! Manpasand didn’t just arbitrarily put in fake numbers, oh no. It showed transactions to back them up with actual companies. But any sales or purchases bring with it a cute goods and services tax, and the GST folks don’t care all that much about the fact that your sales are real. They’d like their share anyway. And not the GST you owe them, but because of how GST works, they would also want the GST your vendors (and your vendors’ vendors) might owe them. GST has this magical thing called “input tax credit” which is basically the GST council giving you magic points every time you pay GST as a customer. Say, you buy some glass to make some marbles. You pay GST when you buy that glass, and you get some magic points. When you sell your freshly manufactured marbles, you collect GST from your customers and can redeem those magic points which you got earlier to reduce the GST you actually pay. (This isn’t tax advice so don’t come after me if you mess up your taxes because of anything you read here.) These points are nice because they help save tax. But a basic requirement to use these points is that the company you bought your glass from has to have paid their fair share of GST in the first place! You only get the points if they’ve paid their tax! In Manpasand’s case the vendors it was dealing with existed solely for the purpose of enabling accounting fraud. Of course they weren’t going to be paying any tax. And yet Manpasand was claiming the magic points and reducing the GST it paid. These fake magic points is how the GST people figured out that there was something very wrong happening. If the GST raid hadn’t happened, would Manpasand have survived as a company? Absolutely not. But would it have survived longer than it did? Probably. Roll over, it’s a takeoverThings have already been a bit bizarre but what follows next is absolutely basket case. Here’s a section of Manpasand’s response to SEBI. From SEBI’s order:The Company is a victim of a pre-planned, fraudulent scheme and conspiracy perpetrated by Finquest Financial Solutions Pvt Ltd (FINQUEST) wherein under the garb of promise to provide working capital worth Rs.100 Crores, six documents were executed by and between MBL & FINQUEST. Within a span of two and a half months, it was clear that this entire so called transaction of providing working capital loan was nothing but a mere play to gain the entire control of MBL which is having asset base of around Rs.625 Crores…Finquest is an NBFC that lent money to Manpasand right after the GST raid happened and its officials were all in jail. Manpasand is claiming that Finquest’s goal wasn’t to just lend to the company and earn an interest income out of it, but to take over the company itself. Manpasand claims that Finquest defrauded it and even calls whatever they did a “hostile takeover”. Let’s humour this idea for a bit. If you’re a listed company worried about a hostile takeover, you’d look at who’s buying your stock. That’s the normal way for hostile takeovers to work. You wake up one day to realise that Elon owns 9% of your and immediately fall into a state of panic. If you don’t own enough of your company, Elon just might. Another hostile takeover could be by a distressed debt investor. You may have taken a loan from some banks or whoever some time back. The banks would’ve sold your loans to outside investors. But then because you’re in tough times, the investors would want to rid themselves of your loans at a discount. This distressed debt is then caught by investors trained in the art of recovering dollars from pennies. If you can’t repay your loans to these guys, they would be more than happy to squeeze it out of you. This is what happened with Byju’s US unit. But really, hostile takeovers aren’t common with distressed debt investors. They don’t want to run your company! They want their money back with some (a lot) of interest. [3] Finquest lent to Manpasand, it didn’t buy its stock. So maybe this was the second kind of hostile takeover, the distressed debt kind? Well, here’s Abhishek Singh, then director of Manpasand in an interview with Business Today back in 2019: Business Today: Dhirendra Singh [the CEO] has accused Finquest of a hostile takeover bid, while Finquest claims that it was always mentioned in the term-sheet that the company will be managed by a professional team until its money was parked with you. It will be nice to get your side of the story.Singh: Whatever amount has been transferred by the Finquest in the bank account of MBL was done in the new account opened by FFSPL's representatives in the name of MBL. The control of this new bank account lies with FFSPL's representatives. FFSPL was allowed operational access to business of MBL and not financial access, as per the term sheet dated July 3, 2019. …As per the term sheet dated July 3, 2019, FFSPL had right to nominate two directors on the Board of Directors of MBL, which shall constitute minimum one-third strength of the Board. Pursuant to this clause, FFSPL appointed three directors instead of two. The total strength of the board became six directors, one-third of this comes to two. Thus, one more director being a nominee of FFSPL was appointed. … What? Manpasand borrowed money from Finquest but the bank account where the money came in was controlled by Finquest? And Finquest got “operational access” (whatever that means) as well as a third of Manpasand’s board seats? This isn’t a hostile takeover! It’s a lamblike takeover. Honestly, I get it. Manpasand’s CEO and others were in jail. The company needed money. The only lender willing to lend to a shady company whose executives are in jail would be a shady lender. And that shady lender was Finquest—which, by the way, had done something similar before—but Manpasand took what it got. If there’s a second “don’t do this if you’re doing fraud” lesson in this, it’s this. Don’t borrow from a loan shark! Footnotes [1] A nice factoid is that Amit Mantri was the first to point out that Manpasand was manipulating its numbers all the way back in 2016. They did some really good on-ground research! [2] The auditor that SEBI assigned to do this, Chokshi & Chokshi, came back with 12 findings from Manpasand’s accounts. But I think I found a couple of mistakes? It wouldn’t in any way affect SEBI’s conclusion on Manpasand, but I find it funny that a story which is essentially about an auditor’s massive failure to do its job also has an auditor that probably wasn’t too careful themselves? I’ll probably write about this in a future post. [3] A distressed debt investor would prefer to take over a company to be able to put it into bankruptcy so that it can sell the company’s assets and recover its money. That’s very different from what the kind of takeover that Elon did of Twitter. Original Source: https://boringmoney.in/p/manpasand-an-accounting-fraud |
2024.05.17 10:17 GreedyPersonality390 Effective Ayat E Karima for Marriage
 | Ayat e karima for marriage submitted by GreedyPersonality390 to u/GreedyPersonality390 [link] [comments] Besides, Ayat E Karima marriage, for women, it has become the stepping stone to make their voices be heard in all the possible fields. The term Ayat E Karima refers to a verse in the Holy Quran that is very often used and adapted into many Islamic rituals, such as marriage among others. The verse comes from Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 286, and reads:The saying is in Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 286: "O you who have believed, do not render yourselves unclean by hunting some game". "And Allah never gave a spirit more than it can handle, good is the outcome but wickedness is too. Our Lord, do not give us a hardy burden as those of before had it. " O Lord, and You can forgive us as much as You have forgiven those people before, not give us a hard burden because they were also once put through it. Smite us, but deliver your blows with those we being unperturbed, not the excess that is beyond our strength. And send us your mercy and your pardon. Please give us compassion and kindness. "O Lord! Please keep us safe in order that we be the standard-carriers of victory on the unbelievers", they prayed. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286) Ayat e karima for marriage , According to this verse, the famous and significant verses of the Qur’an are represented by Ayat Al-Kareema, or the Noble Verse. There is not only dos and don'ts instruction, but also deep wisdom and kindness about the God, his mercy, forgiveness and protection for believers. The narration of this verse symbolizes the new married couple and it is regarded as a blessing for their union. Each of the family relatives say salat al tashreeq and ask Allah also to pardon them of any mistakes (fault) and grant happiness and peace between the couple with His (Allah) mercy and calmness. Ayat e karima for marriage, The themes covered in Ayat Al-Kareema are highly relevant for newlyweds beginning their marriage journey:Those themes addressed in Ayat Al-Kareema are definitely very appropriate and hugely valued by newlyweds who are just at the beginning of their marital endeavor. Seeking Forgiveness and Mercy The aforementioned passage also reveals one's aspiration to ask for Allah's forgiveness. Hurtful things such as unkind words may inadvertently be said by the bride and groom even though they are not perfect beings, so maintaining a mindset of forgiveness is essential when it comes to marital challenges. he Most Important Things I Have Learned: self-awareness and self-acceptance and kindness and grace to other people too. Allah assures each believing individual that nothing in any burden that will be too much to carry. They should be understanding, ready to communicate, patient and allow the other one to use his strengths and competencies. To hand ourselves over completely to him and render him as the only the Protector, who will run the course for us. As they jointly struggle with their difficulties, knowing that Allah is the provider and the helper of everything in the universe, they will feel balanced and joyful. Problems are no more. The largest amount of effort comes when the biggest day of their relationship comes, and couples have to accustom to sharing their lives with the one they love by this time. Here, God makes His audience know that He will not give any more than everyone can bear, this is evident that He is the God of compassion, lenience, and mercifulness. He will create an illusion that the difficulties and obstacles will become not so terrifying anymore. The Overcoming of Hatefulness and Danger Plane events. Those who wanted to kill them were tagged as the infidels, the haters. This is a magician's wand in any war with opponents or visitors, when something appears to be the cause of having peaceful family life. In fact, Ayat e karima for marriage perfectly represents the whole ideology of a marital aspect in Islam consisting of belief, kindness, firm support and Allah for-giveness. Bringing this slogan in the form of a song or a mantra most likely will produce positive results for spouses in being able to handle frequent marital disagreements and fights by compromise. A sense of assurance also comes in that God undertakes the responsibility of everyone who calls out to him since he is in charge of every believer. Online Free Consultation With Maulana Ji Please Visit: https://www.onlinemaulana.com/ AyatEKarima #MarriageBlessings #FaithfulUnion #LoveAndDevotion #IslamicMatrimony #DivineGuidance #MaritalBliss #ForeverTogether #SacredVows #PeacefulMarriage #BlessedUnion #DuaForMarriage #IslamicWedding #MarriageCounsel #MuslimCoupleGoals #CountingOnAyatEKarima #BarakahInMarriage #MuslimMarriageGoals #RelationshipUnderAllahsBlessing. |
2024.05.17 10:16 Rubyleigh23 After 19 years I need to get out
I’m a specialist teacher of 19 years. I’ve worked in all kinds of environments, mostly urban. A couple years ago I found a job that I thought sounded perfect and was offered the position. As specialists work most of the summer, I actually make over 6 figures, which I never saw happening. It’s been 2 years and the place has gone downhill. I’m teaching 30 45 minute classes a week with no transition in between. I get to school an hour and a half before I’m required to in order to prep or I couldn’t do my job. I don’t have time to eat lunch and started taking glucose tablets so I don’t go into hypoglycemic shock. I mentioned a couple of these things to my supervisor and was told “I must not be managing my time well.” I took off a day from work last week so I could get work done. It’s not the kids, it’s admin. I used to love what I did but I feel broken. I have no idea what else is out there but for my sanity I have to walk away from a job that pays over 6 figures. I’m a mom of little kids and I’m working nights and weekends. I have too much experience to find another job in my field and not enough money to go back to school for instructional design or something. ( Single income household, student loans, and I live in an expensive city.) Omg I’m sad because I used to love what I did and have no idea what I’m going to do. I almost hope they let me go. I’ve never been let go.
submitted by Rubyleigh23 to TeachersInTransition [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 10:14 Own-Surprise-2878 What to do when you are at your wits end with a marriage? 44M (poster) and 43F
Here is one for you all and its a long one. 44M here, been with my significant other for ~20 years, married for 11 years. At this point I don't feel like we are going to make it much longer. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore but needs me for financial support so she is trying to string me along.
Background:
I want to say right off that I know I am not perfect, have never pretended to be nor have I overlooked my shortcomings and have done everything I can to address and deal with my issues.At first things were good. We did things together, went out, hung out with friends together, bowled leagues together, had a lot of fun. We also had a good, sex life. We were having cuddling times, regular sex, great foreplay, she was pretty open to positions and trying things.
When we first got together she was working miscellaneous retail jobs. She had a 4 year college degree at this point as well but never even tried to find a job utilizing it. I was fine with her working whatever made her happy. I work in IT/Tech. I have always been the higher earner, making almost double her salary up until a couple years ago. I never once said anything about this, never gave her crap for making less or the job she worked. I only encouraged her to find a job she enjoyed. I went years, never saying anything that might hurt her, even when I was working 50-60+ hours of work in a tough field at a job I hated while she worked maybe 20-30 hours a week in a super easy job of her choosing. After about 10 years of us being together she finally decided to go back to school for computer science. To support her doing this we lived in a couple places and worked jobs I absolutely hated to make sure she could finish school without any pressure. Again, I never said anything to her about this, I did it so she could be happy. She ended up finishing and getting an extremely good paying tech job after a few years, around the time that I noticed the biggest changes about her. Prior to her latest job and changes, we were OK for a few years. We starting doing well together as we were both earning well and have no kids.
Start of problems:
After we were married for a few years she started changing. She stopped wanting to do things together, we went out less and less. Stopped watching shows and movies together, stopped gaming together. She started treating sex like a burden, made me feel bad for even trying to initiate it. She became more of a prude, stopped wanting to do almost anything sexual, stopped wanting cuddling/petting, lost almost all interest in foreplay that wasn't directly for her, she lost all interest in any type of intimacy, cuddling, foreplay, or really anything that isn't about her getting off.
I feel that I have been extremely patient over the years about all of this. She has some back issues (self inflicted, she was having soreness and pain but continued a workout regimen that was obviously not right and causing issues. I have tried to be understanding and accommodating since she had these issues. Sex was never really a big issue, even with the back problems we had a decent sex life until the last 5 or so years. She started wanting to do less and it really felt like she was just trying to get it over with (outside of when I was pleasuring her and getting her off. Once that was done it was like hurry up and finish.
More recently, last couple of years she has had 0 interest in sex or even anything physical. I mean I can barely kiss her, cant touch her at all without some excuse that it tickles or some other BS. No cuddling as she says I always pressure for sex, BS, I love foreplay and am happy with mutual getting off. I have mentioned the lack of intimacy, mentioning that is had been months since we did anything and it is always some excuse or a suggestion it may happen this weekend (going on 20+ " this weekend" without anything) . She has almost every excuse in the book as to why she doesn't want to without really having a good reason. She will blame her back bugging her but will then do a lot of work that is physically punishing, especially to someone with back issues and despite the fact that I said I would do it or try to help. I have also gotten several different things to help, wedge pillow to help with her back, tried it once and had some random complaint that I forget. She had mentioned trying a swing so she could have support in different positions. I found several options and she then made excuses about all of them, the primary one being support for the swing. I eventually called her on this being BS when the new house we got had a chain mount in one of the bedrooms ( looked like it was possibly for a heavy punching bag) that would be perfect for a swing and I tested it holding my full weight. I again mentioned getting a swing to make things better to only get additional excuses.
Further Issues:
We had always talked about wanting to move back to California and get a house there when we had the chance. We had also talked about houses we would like and things like that. When we started seriously talking about getting a house, she said she would check with work ahead of time about being able to move to another state as we had discussed, she did not. I don't think she even talked to her boss about it. She just refused to move outside of this state as she said her job required her to be her even though her boss lives in a completely different country.
When the time actually came to find and buy a house it did not work out the way I guess I had expected. Eventually, we purchased a house here after several fights as she decided she wanted a cheaper house to fix up. Not even considering the amount of work and money it would take to do so. One of her "options" was a run down ranch house that had a surprise renter (9 months left on a lease) in a very obviously water damaged basement. She picked out this house so she continued to try to justify buying it for about 100k over what it should be sold for. After about a week of looking at shitty houses and fighting she finally agreed to look at one of the houses I had chosen, the house we eventually purchased. It was a bit more but had almost all of our wants without the need to fix it up.
For the purchase, she provided the down payment from her inheritance and jointly financed the house. Once the purchase was finished and we moved in she changed, a lot. Things became more about what she wanted, she would mention things to me but completely ignore any input and just talk like what she wanted is what I chose too. Her dad then decided to visit and this was the largest wake up call I think I have had. I saw him doing all of the things that she does that annoy and frustrate me. I then realized that if I stay with her, dealing with this is my future. He took over the house and she treated me like an asshole for just wanting a bit of space that I could have to myself. She refused to deal with him or reign in his behavior. I think it was around this time that I realized that it felt like I didn't even have a home even though we just bought one, that I was just a wallet to help pay bills.
We ended up having a fight about this and I ended up leaving and staying at a hotel for a few days. This is where it got really eye opening as I considered this fight as something we would think about and get over. However, the first thing she did was talk to her friend and then reach out to divorce lawyers. She mentioned that she was talking to them about post nuptials to make sure she got the house and money. This was a signal to me, that she did not consider nor seem to appreciate all of the years that I spent working jobs I hated to supplement our income and cover for her while she went back to school. All it seemed she saw was that she got money now so the house and all of it was hers. She made a comment about how she felt the money, stocks, and house were hers. She added that she wanted a post nuptial to define this so I shouldn't be surprised if I get one to sign. Unsurprisingly, she never actually got this done, never mentioned it more so I am assuming she just got lazy and never followed up. One thing that stood out to me was that she mentioned that she could not afford the house by herself. She rambled off several things about us just being roommates and me continuing to pay for the house and bills. She came up with something about me paying and her giving me money back later or something, I ignored most of it as it was dumb, I.E. me leaving my checks going into our shared account and continuing to pay like I have been but doing so knowing she plans on keeping the house and that I might get some money later if she ever sold it. She also made a comment that I did a good job with the stocks so I should keep doing that for her and she would give me like a 1k in a few years. Since I started working with the portfolio and diversified the stocks I have made over 40k in gains for it so yeah I ignored this as I felt like it was insulting. This whole fight and conversation hit me hard, especially after 15+ years of me working hard, shitty jobs, to provide for us just to get slapped in the face by greed.
We ended up talking a bit after that fight after I ended up stopping by the house. She had mentioned previously about going to marriage counseling. I told her I didn't think it would help with our situation considering what the issues were but if she was willing to go and actually participate, I would be too. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor as she had suggested it previously and I wanted to try everything to make this work. I had previously mentioned that I didn't think it would work as she refuses to open up or discuss her issues with anyone and if she wont do that, it is a moot point. She said she would so we found a counselor and we went for a couple of months. During this time I was very open about my thoughts and feelings and gave the counselor details on my issues. She however, did not provide anything ahead of time, participate much, would not open up, and eventually said that we might as well not go as she didn't feel like we were gaining anything.
Turning Point:
I think the f*ck it point, straw that broke the camels back for me is that about a month ago, around 10 months or so since we had any kind of intimacy we had a fight. During the fight she admitted that she actually masturbates fairly regularly which really, really pissed me off as she knows the lack of sex and any kinds of intimacy was a big issue for me and was causing a lot of frustration. I was quiet about it as what I would have said would have started a big fight. I am now struggling because I cant really get over the fact that she shows me no interest, wont let me touch her, we haven't had sex in months and she admits to masturbating instead of having sex with me when she knows I am extremely sexually frustrated. To me, this shows her lack of caring about me and shows that she only really cares about herself and what she wants. This is furthered by conversations with her family I have overheard because she talks super loud on the phone and I guess she didn't realize I could hear her in the other room. This last conversation was essentially her talking about the money again and additional money she may get when her dad passes. She made the comment to them that in hindsight she would have made me sign a prenup as all of the money she has gotten and will get belongs to their family and she wants to keep it in their family. This was another moment when I was like what the hell, I am not your family?
I am torn, I have been with her for a long time, I do care for her, but she shows no interest in being with me. No interest in a relationship, doesn't want to do things together (she even said that if I want her do more things with me I have to do things she wants to do first), nothing for how I feel, what I want, no cuddling, no touching, nothing. It came down to the fact that she essentially wants a roommate that pays for her to have the house, help with chores, and helps take care of the dogs without expecting anything in return. She does not seem to get how she is, care how I feel, what I want, or really care about anything that does not benefit her.
I am at my breaking point, I have tried for years to give her everything and now as thanks, I get nothing from her. I am getting to old to keep wasting time in a loveless, sexless relationship but am also having a hard time walking away from a relationship I have been in for so long. After writing this out I am also realizing, well more wondering, what the f*ck I am doing as it seems pretty obvious I am bailing water out of a sinking boat.
submitted by Own-Surprise-2878 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
Background:
I want to say right off that I know I am not perfect, have never pretended to be nor have I overlooked my shortcomings and have done everything I can to address and deal with my issues.At first things were good. We did things together, went out, hung out with friends together, bowled leagues together, had a lot of fun. We also had a good, sex life. We were having cuddling times, regular sex, great foreplay, she was pretty open to positions and trying things.
When we first got together she was working miscellaneous retail jobs. She had a 4 year college degree at this point as well but never even tried to find a job utilizing it. I was fine with her working whatever made her happy. I work in IT/Tech. I have always been the higher earner, making almost double her salary up until a couple years ago. I never once said anything about this, never gave her crap for making less or the job she worked. I only encouraged her to find a job she enjoyed. I went years, never saying anything that might hurt her, even when I was working 50-60+ hours of work in a tough field at a job I hated while she worked maybe 20-30 hours a week in a super easy job of her choosing. After about 10 years of us being together she finally decided to go back to school for computer science. To support her doing this we lived in a couple places and worked jobs I absolutely hated to make sure she could finish school without any pressure. Again, I never said anything to her about this, I did it so she could be happy. She ended up finishing and getting an extremely good paying tech job after a few years, around the time that I noticed the biggest changes about her. Prior to her latest job and changes, we were OK for a few years. We starting doing well together as we were both earning well and have no kids.
Start of problems:
After we were married for a few years she started changing. She stopped wanting to do things together, we went out less and less. Stopped watching shows and movies together, stopped gaming together. She started treating sex like a burden, made me feel bad for even trying to initiate it. She became more of a prude, stopped wanting to do almost anything sexual, stopped wanting cuddling/petting, lost almost all interest in foreplay that wasn't directly for her, she lost all interest in any type of intimacy, cuddling, foreplay, or really anything that isn't about her getting off.
I feel that I have been extremely patient over the years about all of this. She has some back issues (self inflicted, she was having soreness and pain but continued a workout regimen that was obviously not right and causing issues. I have tried to be understanding and accommodating since she had these issues. Sex was never really a big issue, even with the back problems we had a decent sex life until the last 5 or so years. She started wanting to do less and it really felt like she was just trying to get it over with (outside of when I was pleasuring her and getting her off. Once that was done it was like hurry up and finish.
More recently, last couple of years she has had 0 interest in sex or even anything physical. I mean I can barely kiss her, cant touch her at all without some excuse that it tickles or some other BS. No cuddling as she says I always pressure for sex, BS, I love foreplay and am happy with mutual getting off. I have mentioned the lack of intimacy, mentioning that is had been months since we did anything and it is always some excuse or a suggestion it may happen this weekend (going on 20+ " this weekend" without anything) . She has almost every excuse in the book as to why she doesn't want to without really having a good reason. She will blame her back bugging her but will then do a lot of work that is physically punishing, especially to someone with back issues and despite the fact that I said I would do it or try to help. I have also gotten several different things to help, wedge pillow to help with her back, tried it once and had some random complaint that I forget. She had mentioned trying a swing so she could have support in different positions. I found several options and she then made excuses about all of them, the primary one being support for the swing. I eventually called her on this being BS when the new house we got had a chain mount in one of the bedrooms ( looked like it was possibly for a heavy punching bag) that would be perfect for a swing and I tested it holding my full weight. I again mentioned getting a swing to make things better to only get additional excuses.
Further Issues:
We had always talked about wanting to move back to California and get a house there when we had the chance. We had also talked about houses we would like and things like that. When we started seriously talking about getting a house, she said she would check with work ahead of time about being able to move to another state as we had discussed, she did not. I don't think she even talked to her boss about it. She just refused to move outside of this state as she said her job required her to be her even though her boss lives in a completely different country.
When the time actually came to find and buy a house it did not work out the way I guess I had expected. Eventually, we purchased a house here after several fights as she decided she wanted a cheaper house to fix up. Not even considering the amount of work and money it would take to do so. One of her "options" was a run down ranch house that had a surprise renter (9 months left on a lease) in a very obviously water damaged basement. She picked out this house so she continued to try to justify buying it for about 100k over what it should be sold for. After about a week of looking at shitty houses and fighting she finally agreed to look at one of the houses I had chosen, the house we eventually purchased. It was a bit more but had almost all of our wants without the need to fix it up.
For the purchase, she provided the down payment from her inheritance and jointly financed the house. Once the purchase was finished and we moved in she changed, a lot. Things became more about what she wanted, she would mention things to me but completely ignore any input and just talk like what she wanted is what I chose too. Her dad then decided to visit and this was the largest wake up call I think I have had. I saw him doing all of the things that she does that annoy and frustrate me. I then realized that if I stay with her, dealing with this is my future. He took over the house and she treated me like an asshole for just wanting a bit of space that I could have to myself. She refused to deal with him or reign in his behavior. I think it was around this time that I realized that it felt like I didn't even have a home even though we just bought one, that I was just a wallet to help pay bills.
We ended up having a fight about this and I ended up leaving and staying at a hotel for a few days. This is where it got really eye opening as I considered this fight as something we would think about and get over. However, the first thing she did was talk to her friend and then reach out to divorce lawyers. She mentioned that she was talking to them about post nuptials to make sure she got the house and money. This was a signal to me, that she did not consider nor seem to appreciate all of the years that I spent working jobs I hated to supplement our income and cover for her while she went back to school. All it seemed she saw was that she got money now so the house and all of it was hers. She made a comment about how she felt the money, stocks, and house were hers. She added that she wanted a post nuptial to define this so I shouldn't be surprised if I get one to sign. Unsurprisingly, she never actually got this done, never mentioned it more so I am assuming she just got lazy and never followed up. One thing that stood out to me was that she mentioned that she could not afford the house by herself. She rambled off several things about us just being roommates and me continuing to pay for the house and bills. She came up with something about me paying and her giving me money back later or something, I ignored most of it as it was dumb, I.E. me leaving my checks going into our shared account and continuing to pay like I have been but doing so knowing she plans on keeping the house and that I might get some money later if she ever sold it. She also made a comment that I did a good job with the stocks so I should keep doing that for her and she would give me like a 1k in a few years. Since I started working with the portfolio and diversified the stocks I have made over 40k in gains for it so yeah I ignored this as I felt like it was insulting. This whole fight and conversation hit me hard, especially after 15+ years of me working hard, shitty jobs, to provide for us just to get slapped in the face by greed.
We ended up talking a bit after that fight after I ended up stopping by the house. She had mentioned previously about going to marriage counseling. I told her I didn't think it would help with our situation considering what the issues were but if she was willing to go and actually participate, I would be too. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor as she had suggested it previously and I wanted to try everything to make this work. I had previously mentioned that I didn't think it would work as she refuses to open up or discuss her issues with anyone and if she wont do that, it is a moot point. She said she would so we found a counselor and we went for a couple of months. During this time I was very open about my thoughts and feelings and gave the counselor details on my issues. She however, did not provide anything ahead of time, participate much, would not open up, and eventually said that we might as well not go as she didn't feel like we were gaining anything.
Turning Point:
I think the f*ck it point, straw that broke the camels back for me is that about a month ago, around 10 months or so since we had any kind of intimacy we had a fight. During the fight she admitted that she actually masturbates fairly regularly which really, really pissed me off as she knows the lack of sex and any kinds of intimacy was a big issue for me and was causing a lot of frustration. I was quiet about it as what I would have said would have started a big fight. I am now struggling because I cant really get over the fact that she shows me no interest, wont let me touch her, we haven't had sex in months and she admits to masturbating instead of having sex with me when she knows I am extremely sexually frustrated. To me, this shows her lack of caring about me and shows that she only really cares about herself and what she wants. This is furthered by conversations with her family I have overheard because she talks super loud on the phone and I guess she didn't realize I could hear her in the other room. This last conversation was essentially her talking about the money again and additional money she may get when her dad passes. She made the comment to them that in hindsight she would have made me sign a prenup as all of the money she has gotten and will get belongs to their family and she wants to keep it in their family. This was another moment when I was like what the hell, I am not your family?
I am torn, I have been with her for a long time, I do care for her, but she shows no interest in being with me. No interest in a relationship, doesn't want to do things together (she even said that if I want her do more things with me I have to do things she wants to do first), nothing for how I feel, what I want, no cuddling, no touching, nothing. It came down to the fact that she essentially wants a roommate that pays for her to have the house, help with chores, and helps take care of the dogs without expecting anything in return. She does not seem to get how she is, care how I feel, what I want, or really care about anything that does not benefit her.
I am at my breaking point, I have tried for years to give her everything and now as thanks, I get nothing from her. I am getting to old to keep wasting time in a loveless, sexless relationship but am also having a hard time walking away from a relationship I have been in for so long. After writing this out I am also realizing, well more wondering, what the f*ck I am doing as it seems pretty obvious I am bailing water out of a sinking boat.
2024.05.17 10:13 Ivypearl Took my dog to the best veterinary hospital in our area, they missed her severely advanced dental disease…. twice….
Located in CA
I took my 9 yr old lab Ivy to the vet for an emergency visit in the beginning of March. Our regular vet couldn’t take her so we had to go to the 24/7 animal hospital. They are excellent and I was willing to pay for whatever they needed to do to help ivy.
She had been very obviously sick and in pain, puking, diarrhea, not wanting to eat. They did an ultrasound, blood panel, urinalysis, fluids, meds. They found elevated liver enzymes and ketones in her urine. She was so sick they wanted to hospitalize her overnight. I asked what they would be doing and they said monitoring. I asked if I could just monitor her myself at home and bring her back right away if she gets worse? They gave me a couple prescriptions and sent us home. -$1729
I didn’t realize until the next day they didn’t give us any pain meds or anything to help Ivy’s eating (I’d tried seriously all the bland diet options, she didn’t want any of it) I went back to get her pain meds and prescription food, and the girl says they forgot to charge me for something else so she added that on too. -$150
Ivy was getting better slowly but still not her normal happy self at all. Sad, droopy eyes, wanting to sit curled up in my lap like a baby 😭 I kept doing everything they said and I took her back about a month later to check her levels again. We saw the vet, then went back out to the busy lobby to wait until someone came out to tell me the results or medications or whatever. So I sat in the lobby and waited, I asked a few times for updates bc I needed to get back to work. After 3 hours I asked if they could check and see what was going on.
There was another dog named Ivy there that morning and the receptionist closed out MY Ivy’s account (and charged the other lady’s card -$566 of my charges). I was annoyed and paid my bill (non-itemized invoice bc she couldn’t find mine) and Ivy and I went straight to work. Ivy is my service dog and sleeps under my desk.
They said the liver enzymes and urine ketone levels were both back to a normal level which was great news. They still couldn’t really give me a clear answer as to what could’ve caused all of this, sometimes they eat things, or just get sick, whatever. She said a slow recovery was normal bc livepancreas stuff is unpredictable, painful, and can take a while to heal.
The hospital’s office called me the next day to apologize for making me wait so long and reimbursed $316 (the liver panel, I think, I don’t have an itemized invoice). They offered this without me asking which I really appreciated.
Ivy has still been sick, but definitely better than when I first took her in. She was still acting sad, no interest in her favorite things. I knew she was in pain and brought her to a different vet last week.
Dr.S had been Ivy’s vet most of her life at our regular vet’s office - we love him. He left and started his own practice,and I just found his new location is 15 minutes away from my house!! It was kind of secretive when he left the other place, I think out of respect for the owners and not take half the clients with him. Anyway, I was really happy to find him again, I fully trust him. He was Ivy’s vet at her 8-week old visit, did her spay, all of it. Ivy is scared of men she doesn’t know and she loves Dr. S.
He took a look in her mouth and was like Whoa! Found it! He saw one badly rotten and cracked tooth in the back and wanted to get scheduled for removal right away. I bought the senior wellness plan for -$998. I was quoted $1200-1600 for surgery. (He was also going to remove a large benign mass from her side since she’d be under anesthesia already, I’d been wanting to do this for a few years so this is something I wanted him to do also)
This Tuesday was surgery day. He ended up removing 3 teeth, a molar on each side, and a front tooth that was cracked and broken off (I knew about this, I’d been told it wasn’t anything to be concerned about).
He said one of the molars and the front tooth both had exposed roots, the back one had an abscess and the root was touching the bone. He asked if I wanted the pictures bc it was really interesting and you don’t usually see it so advanced 😞 He said this is definitely what has been hurting her and making it hard to eat. He said they must have not looked in Ivy's mouth at all if they didn’t notice it- twice??
He didn’t have enough time to remove the mass. He said he wasn’t comfortable keeping her under any longer due to her age and blood pressure levels. Unless it grows rapidly we’re leaving it for now.
-$350 for everything this day, including surgery time & anesthesia, full dental cleaning & sealant,office visit, sedated nail trim, medications, canned soft food, heart worm testing, some other stuff included with the senior wellness package.
It’s been two days since she got her teeth out and she’s already smiling again. She was jumping around and trying to play with her brother (cat) and she only does that when she’s really excited!! Ivy is the best dog I could ever ask for. Seeing her in pain has been so hard, because I couldn’t help her!! I was trying everything but it wasn’t working. I’m so glad we found it and I think she will be able to get better now. I wasn’t so sure for awhile there.
I called the hospital place and told them what I found out and asked what happened. How could they have missed this- TWICE? The girl was really nice and agreed this was a “very valid concern” and asked me to explain everything to her and she would talk to the medical director, try to get some answers for me, and get back to me. She asked what I wanted the resolution to be. I said I thought it would be appropriate to ask for all of my charges to be refunded in relation to this event over the past couple months including Dr. S’s charges.
She called me back when I was at dinner so I missed her call.
Is this right? I don’t know what I’m looking for, feedback, reassurance, guidance? This is malpractice, right??
I talked to Dr.S’s receptionist today, she’s going to send me the photos and a breakdown of charges between the wellness plan and what I had done, try to make sense of what would be appropriate to ask them to refund. I kinda also want to ask them for $200 flat to reimburse the food/groceries spent trying to get her to eat, literally anything I could try on her bland diet, I tried! I don’t have receipts but I know I spent a shit ton of money as Ivy’s short order cook the last couple months. (Today she scarfed down her regular food for the first time in forever, I cried). Is this pushing it too far? Should I just take whatever they offer me?
What about the fact Ivy spent 2 1/2 months in pain & suffering from the time I brought her in to the day Dr. S did her surgery? She has lost weight, and has been pretty obviously miserable the whole time.
Thanks for reading.
submitted by Ivypearl to legaladvice [link] [comments]
I took my 9 yr old lab Ivy to the vet for an emergency visit in the beginning of March. Our regular vet couldn’t take her so we had to go to the 24/7 animal hospital. They are excellent and I was willing to pay for whatever they needed to do to help ivy.
She had been very obviously sick and in pain, puking, diarrhea, not wanting to eat. They did an ultrasound, blood panel, urinalysis, fluids, meds. They found elevated liver enzymes and ketones in her urine. She was so sick they wanted to hospitalize her overnight. I asked what they would be doing and they said monitoring. I asked if I could just monitor her myself at home and bring her back right away if she gets worse? They gave me a couple prescriptions and sent us home. -$1729
I didn’t realize until the next day they didn’t give us any pain meds or anything to help Ivy’s eating (I’d tried seriously all the bland diet options, she didn’t want any of it) I went back to get her pain meds and prescription food, and the girl says they forgot to charge me for something else so she added that on too. -$150
Ivy was getting better slowly but still not her normal happy self at all. Sad, droopy eyes, wanting to sit curled up in my lap like a baby 😭 I kept doing everything they said and I took her back about a month later to check her levels again. We saw the vet, then went back out to the busy lobby to wait until someone came out to tell me the results or medications or whatever. So I sat in the lobby and waited, I asked a few times for updates bc I needed to get back to work. After 3 hours I asked if they could check and see what was going on.
There was another dog named Ivy there that morning and the receptionist closed out MY Ivy’s account (and charged the other lady’s card -$566 of my charges). I was annoyed and paid my bill (non-itemized invoice bc she couldn’t find mine) and Ivy and I went straight to work. Ivy is my service dog and sleeps under my desk.
They said the liver enzymes and urine ketone levels were both back to a normal level which was great news. They still couldn’t really give me a clear answer as to what could’ve caused all of this, sometimes they eat things, or just get sick, whatever. She said a slow recovery was normal bc livepancreas stuff is unpredictable, painful, and can take a while to heal.
The hospital’s office called me the next day to apologize for making me wait so long and reimbursed $316 (the liver panel, I think, I don’t have an itemized invoice). They offered this without me asking which I really appreciated.
Ivy has still been sick, but definitely better than when I first took her in. She was still acting sad, no interest in her favorite things. I knew she was in pain and brought her to a different vet last week.
Dr.S had been Ivy’s vet most of her life at our regular vet’s office - we love him. He left and started his own practice,and I just found his new location is 15 minutes away from my house!! It was kind of secretive when he left the other place, I think out of respect for the owners and not take half the clients with him. Anyway, I was really happy to find him again, I fully trust him. He was Ivy’s vet at her 8-week old visit, did her spay, all of it. Ivy is scared of men she doesn’t know and she loves Dr. S.
He took a look in her mouth and was like Whoa! Found it! He saw one badly rotten and cracked tooth in the back and wanted to get scheduled for removal right away. I bought the senior wellness plan for -$998. I was quoted $1200-1600 for surgery. (He was also going to remove a large benign mass from her side since she’d be under anesthesia already, I’d been wanting to do this for a few years so this is something I wanted him to do also)
This Tuesday was surgery day. He ended up removing 3 teeth, a molar on each side, and a front tooth that was cracked and broken off (I knew about this, I’d been told it wasn’t anything to be concerned about).
He said one of the molars and the front tooth both had exposed roots, the back one had an abscess and the root was touching the bone. He asked if I wanted the pictures bc it was really interesting and you don’t usually see it so advanced 😞 He said this is definitely what has been hurting her and making it hard to eat. He said they must have not looked in Ivy's mouth at all if they didn’t notice it- twice??
He didn’t have enough time to remove the mass. He said he wasn’t comfortable keeping her under any longer due to her age and blood pressure levels. Unless it grows rapidly we’re leaving it for now.
-$350 for everything this day, including surgery time & anesthesia, full dental cleaning & sealant,office visit, sedated nail trim, medications, canned soft food, heart worm testing, some other stuff included with the senior wellness package.
It’s been two days since she got her teeth out and she’s already smiling again. She was jumping around and trying to play with her brother (cat) and she only does that when she’s really excited!! Ivy is the best dog I could ever ask for. Seeing her in pain has been so hard, because I couldn’t help her!! I was trying everything but it wasn’t working. I’m so glad we found it and I think she will be able to get better now. I wasn’t so sure for awhile there.
I called the hospital place and told them what I found out and asked what happened. How could they have missed this- TWICE? The girl was really nice and agreed this was a “very valid concern” and asked me to explain everything to her and she would talk to the medical director, try to get some answers for me, and get back to me. She asked what I wanted the resolution to be. I said I thought it would be appropriate to ask for all of my charges to be refunded in relation to this event over the past couple months including Dr. S’s charges.
She called me back when I was at dinner so I missed her call.
Is this right? I don’t know what I’m looking for, feedback, reassurance, guidance? This is malpractice, right??
I talked to Dr.S’s receptionist today, she’s going to send me the photos and a breakdown of charges between the wellness plan and what I had done, try to make sense of what would be appropriate to ask them to refund. I kinda also want to ask them for $200 flat to reimburse the food/groceries spent trying to get her to eat, literally anything I could try on her bland diet, I tried! I don’t have receipts but I know I spent a shit ton of money as Ivy’s short order cook the last couple months. (Today she scarfed down her regular food for the first time in forever, I cried). Is this pushing it too far? Should I just take whatever they offer me?
What about the fact Ivy spent 2 1/2 months in pain & suffering from the time I brought her in to the day Dr. S did her surgery? She has lost weight, and has been pretty obviously miserable the whole time.
Thanks for reading.
2024.05.17 10:12 fresitass i (23F) feel conflicted about how to feel about my ex and everything he did, how do i process this? (21M)
earlier this year, my ex (21M) dumped me (23F) after feeling conflicted about everything in his life. he was finishing up his senior year of college and it wasn’t going well. he started having some sort of existential crisis and didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. he had no motivation to be a doctor anymore, no motivation to try in school, and started falling out of love with me.
when he admitted to falling out of love with me, it came to me as a shock since it was very very sudden. i was devastated. we agreed to give each other space and stopped sleeping in the same bed. i decided to go stay at my parents house and that’s when he dumped me over text. i immediately called my best friend and she told me that she never really liked him that much. she also told me some of my other friends didn’t like him very much because of the way he sounded (he comes off as very strong and expressive, my friends are more reserved) and how opinionated he was (he was extremely passionate about the stuff he liked to the point where some people thought he was angry). despite me being angry at him, i felt bad for him. i won’t go into detail, but a lot of his personality traits stem from growing up in a loud toxic household in which he had no voice. he struggles with frequent manic and depressive episodes and i was always there to help him, i didn’t want him to feel like he was a monster because of his mental health. he was aware of my efforts and was appreciative towards me.
after about 2 weeks of being at my parents place, i go back home to my apartment that both him and i live in. he wasn’t at home at all and didn’t know where he was. long story short, he was staying at another girl’s house. i always had a weird feeling about her and how close they were, but i didn’t want to jump to conclusions. basically, i found out he developed feelings for her while we were together and was essentially having an emotional affair towards the end of my relationship with him. i was absolutely furious finding this out and blocked both of them on social media. i didn’t block his number since i still had to communicate with him for bills and such, but because of this, it led to several arguments between him and i. the arguments mainly consisted of me asking why he would do this, why he threw away two years, etc. i knew he was going through a manic episode, so i couldn’t do anything about it. i just had to watch him self sabotage. he kept telling me that he wants to explore other possibilities in life and doesn’t want to lose his independence, etc. after a lot of arguments throughout several days, i just accepted that things were over.
a couple of weeks go by, i was out of town with a friend and i get a text from him asking if we could talk. i was hesitant since i felt angry at him for basically leaving me for another girl and staying at her house, but i told him that i will speak to him later. i didn’t know what he wanted. i get home and he seemed like he was back to his old self in a way, he didn’t seem tense. he ends up apologizing over everything and tells me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and doesn’t want to lose me ever again. he explained how he couldn’t sleep at all while he was gone and kept thinking about how he destroyed his healthiest relationship he’s ever had. i was very hesitant, but i decided to take him back and take things slow. i told him that i want to work on rebuilding the trust we had again and continue to work on ourselves individually. he agreed and things are fine, he cut off the other girl, graduated, and is enjoying his post grad life.
here’s my issue, before all of this happened, we had so many great connections with our mutual friends and such. but after everyone found out what he did, his friends cut him off, my friends cut him off, everyone cut him off and expresses deep hatred towards him for hurting me the way he did. everyone essentially witnessed me crying and throwing up over him, so they want nothing to do with him. i feel embarrassed knowing that i told my friends that i wouldn’t go back to him, yet i still did. they told me they will support my decisions, but they still don’t know how to feel about him. my family basically hates him too. i feel sad knowing that all my friends hate my boyfriend, but it’s for valid reasons. im afraid that they’ll continue to hate him forever. im sorry if i sound stupid or naive, this is the first relationship i’ve been in where i’ve felt actually in love. i don’t know what to do. i want to stay with him, but the thought of my friends and family hating him forever keeps eating at me. how do i process all of this? i don’t know how to feel.
submitted by fresitass to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
when he admitted to falling out of love with me, it came to me as a shock since it was very very sudden. i was devastated. we agreed to give each other space and stopped sleeping in the same bed. i decided to go stay at my parents house and that’s when he dumped me over text. i immediately called my best friend and she told me that she never really liked him that much. she also told me some of my other friends didn’t like him very much because of the way he sounded (he comes off as very strong and expressive, my friends are more reserved) and how opinionated he was (he was extremely passionate about the stuff he liked to the point where some people thought he was angry). despite me being angry at him, i felt bad for him. i won’t go into detail, but a lot of his personality traits stem from growing up in a loud toxic household in which he had no voice. he struggles with frequent manic and depressive episodes and i was always there to help him, i didn’t want him to feel like he was a monster because of his mental health. he was aware of my efforts and was appreciative towards me.
after about 2 weeks of being at my parents place, i go back home to my apartment that both him and i live in. he wasn’t at home at all and didn’t know where he was. long story short, he was staying at another girl’s house. i always had a weird feeling about her and how close they were, but i didn’t want to jump to conclusions. basically, i found out he developed feelings for her while we were together and was essentially having an emotional affair towards the end of my relationship with him. i was absolutely furious finding this out and blocked both of them on social media. i didn’t block his number since i still had to communicate with him for bills and such, but because of this, it led to several arguments between him and i. the arguments mainly consisted of me asking why he would do this, why he threw away two years, etc. i knew he was going through a manic episode, so i couldn’t do anything about it. i just had to watch him self sabotage. he kept telling me that he wants to explore other possibilities in life and doesn’t want to lose his independence, etc. after a lot of arguments throughout several days, i just accepted that things were over.
a couple of weeks go by, i was out of town with a friend and i get a text from him asking if we could talk. i was hesitant since i felt angry at him for basically leaving me for another girl and staying at her house, but i told him that i will speak to him later. i didn’t know what he wanted. i get home and he seemed like he was back to his old self in a way, he didn’t seem tense. he ends up apologizing over everything and tells me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and doesn’t want to lose me ever again. he explained how he couldn’t sleep at all while he was gone and kept thinking about how he destroyed his healthiest relationship he’s ever had. i was very hesitant, but i decided to take him back and take things slow. i told him that i want to work on rebuilding the trust we had again and continue to work on ourselves individually. he agreed and things are fine, he cut off the other girl, graduated, and is enjoying his post grad life.
here’s my issue, before all of this happened, we had so many great connections with our mutual friends and such. but after everyone found out what he did, his friends cut him off, my friends cut him off, everyone cut him off and expresses deep hatred towards him for hurting me the way he did. everyone essentially witnessed me crying and throwing up over him, so they want nothing to do with him. i feel embarrassed knowing that i told my friends that i wouldn’t go back to him, yet i still did. they told me they will support my decisions, but they still don’t know how to feel about him. my family basically hates him too. i feel sad knowing that all my friends hate my boyfriend, but it’s for valid reasons. im afraid that they’ll continue to hate him forever. im sorry if i sound stupid or naive, this is the first relationship i’ve been in where i’ve felt actually in love. i don’t know what to do. i want to stay with him, but the thought of my friends and family hating him forever keeps eating at me. how do i process all of this? i don’t know how to feel.
2024.05.17 10:12 Superb_Percentage_21 Girl said she isn't ready for a relationship, but likes me and doesn't want me to talk about other girls with her?
Went on a few dates with this girl I knew from work.
After the third one she dipped and pretty much said she still likes me but wants to just be friends for now because she's still trying to deal with feelings with her last relationship which she had only come out of December last year and was an abusive one apparently. You may notice that it has been 6 entire months since then.
Anyway, yeah I just treated her like a friend. I tried to move on romantically and I assumed she had as well since I don't really believe this whole "I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship thing," (seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse) so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago but strangely she actually shut it down and said something along the lines of "just to be clear I'm fine if you talk to other girls and stuff but maybe just don't tell me about it because it's awkward for me."
Huh?
So she IS interested in me? But also doesn't want to date me? According to her she also isn't seeing any one else right now.
Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options? She told me she THINKS she will stay out of the dating pool for a while (in retrospect I should've called this out because oh I guess you ARE ready for a relationship then?).
I'm not sure how to approach this one ladies. I do have an interest in her, and she says she has one in me. Should I drop her? We are still friends by the way and talk daily.
submitted by Superb_Percentage_21 to dating [link] [comments]
After the third one she dipped and pretty much said she still likes me but wants to just be friends for now because she's still trying to deal with feelings with her last relationship which she had only come out of December last year and was an abusive one apparently. You may notice that it has been 6 entire months since then.
Anyway, yeah I just treated her like a friend. I tried to move on romantically and I assumed she had as well since I don't really believe this whole "I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship thing," (seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse) so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago but strangely she actually shut it down and said something along the lines of "just to be clear I'm fine if you talk to other girls and stuff but maybe just don't tell me about it because it's awkward for me."
Huh?
So she IS interested in me? But also doesn't want to date me? According to her she also isn't seeing any one else right now.
Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options? She told me she THINKS she will stay out of the dating pool for a while (in retrospect I should've called this out because oh I guess you ARE ready for a relationship then?).
I'm not sure how to approach this one ladies. I do have an interest in her, and she says she has one in me. Should I drop her? We are still friends by the way and talk daily.
2024.05.17 10:11 Superb_Percentage_21 Girl said she isn't ready for a relationship, but likes me and doesn't want me to talk about other girls with her?
Went on a few dates with this girl I knew from work.
After the third one she dipped and pretty much said she still likes me but wants to just be friends for now because she's still trying to deal with feelings with her last relationship which she had only come out of December last year and was an abusive one apparently.
Anyway, yeah I just treated her like a friend. I tried to move on romantically and I assumed she had as well since I don't really believe this whole "I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship thing," (seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse) so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago but strangely she actually shut it down and said something along the lines of "just to be clear I'm fine if you talk to other girls and stuff but maybe just don't tell me about it because it's awkward for me."
Huh?
So she IS interested in me? But also doesn't want to date me? According to her she also isn't seeing any one else right now.
Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options? She told me she THINKS she will stay out of the dating pool for a while (in retrospect I should've called this out because oh I guess you ARE ready for a relationship then?).
I'm not sure how to approach this one ladies. I do have an interest in her, and she says she has one in me. Should I drop her? We are still friends by the way and talk daily.
submitted by Superb_Percentage_21 to dating_advice [link] [comments]
After the third one she dipped and pretty much said she still likes me but wants to just be friends for now because she's still trying to deal with feelings with her last relationship which she had only come out of December last year and was an abusive one apparently.
Anyway, yeah I just treated her like a friend. I tried to move on romantically and I assumed she had as well since I don't really believe this whole "I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship thing," (seriously why go on 3 dates with someone romantically interested in you if you don't think you're ready for a relationship? I just don't buy this excuse) so I told her a story about this girl who's number I got at a party a couple nights ago but strangely she actually shut it down and said something along the lines of "just to be clear I'm fine if you talk to other girls and stuff but maybe just don't tell me about it because it's awkward for me."
Huh?
So she IS interested in me? But also doesn't want to date me? According to her she also isn't seeing any one else right now.
Is she trying to manipulate me, maybe keeping me on a string while she assesses her options? She told me she THINKS she will stay out of the dating pool for a while (in retrospect I should've called this out because oh I guess you ARE ready for a relationship then?).
I'm not sure how to approach this one ladies. I do have an interest in her, and she says she has one in me. Should I drop her? We are still friends by the way and talk daily.
2024.05.17 10:11 Joy1067 Of Arrogance and Valor
“Incredible!”
The rebel reeled from the punch, the fist slamming through his protective helmet and cracking his jaw. He choked out a sob at the pain and the feeling of several of his teeth being knocked down his throat.
“This? This is what you send to try and rebel against the Imperium?! THIS?!”
A harsh kick was sent into the rebels stomach, making him cough up the rations he had that morning and a few of the once missing teeth. He grabbed his stomach and his body made to tilt forward and lay in the dust.
Only he was stopped as an armored gauntlet grabbed him by the throat and forced him to stand. His hands came up and grabbed at his attackers wrist as he stared into his own grim reaper.
Said killer wore the helmet of the Macraggian Auxilia, his faceplate being that of a stylized skull. His rank was shown proudly in the form of a centurions plum, blue and white horsehair picked out atop a gilded mount on the top of his helmet.
“Incredible. It’s truly incredible what passes for rebellion these days hm?”
The soldiers behind the centurion laughed or smiled as they watched their leader hoist the rebel up as if the rebel was some game beast that was just recently hunted. Pressure in the form of steam shot out of the centurions wrist, betraying the hidden augmented limb under the armor. The rebel tried to speak, scratching at the Centurion’s arm.
“What? Speak up damn you, and speak clearly. I have no time or patience to hear some long speech about tyranny or whatever else. We have your city to burn insurgent.”
And burn it would. Two large tanks with massive flamers could be seen in the back, protected by infantry and assault vehicles. The main force would break the walls, the infantry would kill the people, and the tanks would burn the rest to ashes.
“Aghh….thill….you….thasard!”
The rebel said, spitting blood and bone fragments from his shattered jaw through what was left of his faceplate.
“Ah. Nothing interesting to say. Oh well.”
The rebel tried in vain to speak again but was silenced as the centurion forced a power gladius through his mouth. He was then unceremoniously dropped to the dust, choking on blood as he watched the Macraggian soldiers march on his home. The last thing he saw before dying was his killer, taking his helmet off and smiling in a wide, cocky manner. ————————————————————————
“Don’t spare the body men, he was a rebel. March over him.”
Tiberius Victor, Centurion of the 3rd Macraggain Legion, yelled as he wiped the grim that had built up over his helmet. He scowled at the filth that adorned his armor and sighed.
“Bloody rebels will pay for more than just rebellion. Look at this! They scratched my faceplate! And that bastard I just killed dared to spit blood at me! Oh they will pay tenfold.”
He chuckled and shrugged as he replaced his helmet. He rolled his head and drew the lapistol he had holstered at his side. He examined it for a moment before shaking his head.
“Ugh….to easy.”
He holstered the pistol again and flourished his gladius as he grabbed the handholds of a Leman Russ tank that was about to pass him by. He climbed up until he stood on top of the tank and crouched down, using his newfound height to look over his army and the objective.
The city was massive….but so were the last three he had burned. Both Imperial Army and even Ultramarine Legion Command had told him he was too far ahead and that he needed to slow down. But where was the fun in that? Besides, the campaign has been far too easy thus far. He had suffered very few casualties, his men were never hungry and his tanks never ran dry on fuel, and the enemy bled. Oh how they bled.
He sighed.
“Easy. Far too easy. Captain?”
The command hatch the tank he rode popped open and a woman in the dirty coveralls and goggled helmet of a tank commander. She looked around, rubbing her eyes before turning and smiling widely. She gave a crisp salute, one which he lazily returned, before nodding.
“Aye my Centurion?”
“Do we have any more wine about? I’m parched from all these victories we keep piling on.”
The captain cringed then turned towards the city.
“Uh….my centurion? Wouldn’t you rather have some water?”
Tiberius turned his head towards the captain, the tilt of his head betraying the cocky smile hidden beneath that the captain and the rest of the army had come to love and hate.
“Captain….are you questioning me?”
“I-no! No, of course not my centurion! But uh….well….”
He made a ‘go on’ motion with his hand, not bothering to stand up from the relaxed position he had taken. He had laid down on his side, his sword hand having sheathed his gladius to prop his head up.
“Well….shouldn’t uh….shouldn’t wine be saved for victory?”
The centurion stared at her for a moment. A very long moment. Perhaps….to long of a moment.
“I….I apologize my centurion! I will-“
Laughter. The centurion was laughing, something he rarely did outside of combat or when around the campfires at night. He laughed loudly and caught the attention of several other Auxilia soldiers.
“True! Haha! I knew I kept you around for something Captain. Fine, me and you shall share the first bottle of wine after that….excuse for a city burns. Return to your duties captain.”
He waved the captain off then turned his head back to the city, not moving out of his relaxed position. She knew better then to consider him lazy or incompetent, she had seen him in action.
She saluted and quickly went back down into her tank. ————————————————————————
He held his helmet in the crook of his arm. He breathed in deeply, smiling as he watched the city burn. Something grabbed his boot and looked down, only to scowl in disgust.
A woman, her lower half aflame with one leg missing, held onto his boot and shin guard.
“Please….mercy! We surrender!”
He raised an eyebrow and followed the trail the rebel left in the dust to see several more wounded and scared rebels. One held up a white rag on a piece of rebar as a white flag.
Several of his auxilia aimed their rifles at the rebels as a sergeant began to moved forward with a pair of restraints.
He was stopped by Tiberius’s sword.
“Sergeant? What are you doing?”
“Uh…taking prisoners sir?”
The centurion tilted his head and smiled widely.
“Prisoners? I don’t recall ordering anyone to take prisoners.”
He lifted his boot and stomped on the wounded woman’s head, smiling wickedly at the crunch he heard under his foot.
“Uh….no my Centurion but legion command has-“
“Legion command? You are taking orders from Ultramarines instead of telling me that such orders have come through?”
“There was no time sir! The orders came fro-“
Tiberius put his helmet on and shoved the sergeant to the side, ripping the rifle from the soldiers hands.
“I see no space marines here soldier. I see soldiers and I see rebels. We kill rebels because we are soldiers.”
He took aim at the closest rebel, put his finger on the trigger and-
“Thats enough Centurion.”
He stopped. He slowly turned his head towards the new, feminine voice behind him.
“Excuse me troo-“
He stopped again and stared. She had to have been 10 feet or at least close, this goddess in blue and gold. Her short, cropped hair was golden blonde and a green, metallic laurel wreath was wrapped around her head to add to her noble features. She came with several ultramarines as an honor guard in tow but he was sure she could handle anything thrown her way with ease.
“The Lady of Macragge.”
He whispered in awe before looking around. Those under his command had shared his awe but where he shook himself free, the rest still stared.
“Damn you all, our Lady is here! Bow damn you! All of you bow!”
He paced up and down the line, ensuring his auxilia bowed. He then turned towards the rebels and pointed at the guards who stood over them.
“Them too, cmon now. Bow!”
The rebels resisted the guards orders and movements. The centurions rage grew as he stormed over and pulled his gladius from its sheath.
“I command thee BOW.”
He sliced the back of the knees of one of the captives, the man yelping in pain before yelling in agony from his nearly cut tendons. The rest fell in line quickly.
Tiberius marched towards the Primarch, her honor guard bringing their weapons to bare only for him to kneel down and stab his gladius into the dirt.
“My Lady. Centurion Tiberius Victor of the 3rd Macraggian Legion reporting.”
The Primarch stared down at the Centurion before her eyes went up and around. She took note of the rather large number of prisoners and the burning cityscape around them.
“A good campaign Centurion?”
Tiberius nodded, smiling widely under his helmet.
“Yes my Lady. I only wish it weren’t so boring, so easy! But it is done.”
It took every ounce of self control to not scowl at his arrogant and cocky nature. He spoke as if he had stomped on a bug rather than a rebels skull. Yet….something about him caught her attention.
“Remove your helm centurion.”
He did so without delay, removing his helmet and setting it at her feet. His hair was cut in the traditional military ‘high and tight’ fashion and he was mostly clean cut save for a well trimmed mustache that went no further than the corners of his mouth.
“I recall telling my command staff to recall you back as you had pushed to far ahead. Yet we stand here at the city we were meant to take, the one we were meant to hold. The one….that is currently burning to ashes around us. What do you have to say for yourself Centurion?”
He said nothing for a long time. Then, to her surprise, he laughed. The auxilia around them slowly looked at each other, their faces hidden beneath their helmets but all were worried or tense.
“Hahah! Ah….I say mission accomplished my Lady. I also say that this light really brings out the color of your eyes.”
He laughed again and slowly stood up while extending his arms out wide.
“I say I give you the best gift this galaxy can offer to someone like you from someone like me.”
His smile grew into the same cocky, full of himself grin those under his command knew so well.
“I give you victory, my Lady Juno.”
He held his gladius up and flourished it, letting the blade catch the firelight of a dying city.
“Victory.”
submitted by Joy1067 to PrimarchGFs [link] [comments]
The rebel reeled from the punch, the fist slamming through his protective helmet and cracking his jaw. He choked out a sob at the pain and the feeling of several of his teeth being knocked down his throat.
“This? This is what you send to try and rebel against the Imperium?! THIS?!”
A harsh kick was sent into the rebels stomach, making him cough up the rations he had that morning and a few of the once missing teeth. He grabbed his stomach and his body made to tilt forward and lay in the dust.
Only he was stopped as an armored gauntlet grabbed him by the throat and forced him to stand. His hands came up and grabbed at his attackers wrist as he stared into his own grim reaper.
Said killer wore the helmet of the Macraggian Auxilia, his faceplate being that of a stylized skull. His rank was shown proudly in the form of a centurions plum, blue and white horsehair picked out atop a gilded mount on the top of his helmet.
“Incredible. It’s truly incredible what passes for rebellion these days hm?”
The soldiers behind the centurion laughed or smiled as they watched their leader hoist the rebel up as if the rebel was some game beast that was just recently hunted. Pressure in the form of steam shot out of the centurions wrist, betraying the hidden augmented limb under the armor. The rebel tried to speak, scratching at the Centurion’s arm.
“What? Speak up damn you, and speak clearly. I have no time or patience to hear some long speech about tyranny or whatever else. We have your city to burn insurgent.”
And burn it would. Two large tanks with massive flamers could be seen in the back, protected by infantry and assault vehicles. The main force would break the walls, the infantry would kill the people, and the tanks would burn the rest to ashes.
“Aghh….thill….you….thasard!”
The rebel said, spitting blood and bone fragments from his shattered jaw through what was left of his faceplate.
“Ah. Nothing interesting to say. Oh well.”
The rebel tried in vain to speak again but was silenced as the centurion forced a power gladius through his mouth. He was then unceremoniously dropped to the dust, choking on blood as he watched the Macraggian soldiers march on his home. The last thing he saw before dying was his killer, taking his helmet off and smiling in a wide, cocky manner. ————————————————————————
“Don’t spare the body men, he was a rebel. March over him.”
Tiberius Victor, Centurion of the 3rd Macraggain Legion, yelled as he wiped the grim that had built up over his helmet. He scowled at the filth that adorned his armor and sighed.
“Bloody rebels will pay for more than just rebellion. Look at this! They scratched my faceplate! And that bastard I just killed dared to spit blood at me! Oh they will pay tenfold.”
He chuckled and shrugged as he replaced his helmet. He rolled his head and drew the lapistol he had holstered at his side. He examined it for a moment before shaking his head.
“Ugh….to easy.”
He holstered the pistol again and flourished his gladius as he grabbed the handholds of a Leman Russ tank that was about to pass him by. He climbed up until he stood on top of the tank and crouched down, using his newfound height to look over his army and the objective.
The city was massive….but so were the last three he had burned. Both Imperial Army and even Ultramarine Legion Command had told him he was too far ahead and that he needed to slow down. But where was the fun in that? Besides, the campaign has been far too easy thus far. He had suffered very few casualties, his men were never hungry and his tanks never ran dry on fuel, and the enemy bled. Oh how they bled.
He sighed.
“Easy. Far too easy. Captain?”
The command hatch the tank he rode popped open and a woman in the dirty coveralls and goggled helmet of a tank commander. She looked around, rubbing her eyes before turning and smiling widely. She gave a crisp salute, one which he lazily returned, before nodding.
“Aye my Centurion?”
“Do we have any more wine about? I’m parched from all these victories we keep piling on.”
The captain cringed then turned towards the city.
“Uh….my centurion? Wouldn’t you rather have some water?”
Tiberius turned his head towards the captain, the tilt of his head betraying the cocky smile hidden beneath that the captain and the rest of the army had come to love and hate.
“Captain….are you questioning me?”
“I-no! No, of course not my centurion! But uh….well….”
He made a ‘go on’ motion with his hand, not bothering to stand up from the relaxed position he had taken. He had laid down on his side, his sword hand having sheathed his gladius to prop his head up.
“Well….shouldn’t uh….shouldn’t wine be saved for victory?”
The centurion stared at her for a moment. A very long moment. Perhaps….to long of a moment.
“I….I apologize my centurion! I will-“
Laughter. The centurion was laughing, something he rarely did outside of combat or when around the campfires at night. He laughed loudly and caught the attention of several other Auxilia soldiers.
“True! Haha! I knew I kept you around for something Captain. Fine, me and you shall share the first bottle of wine after that….excuse for a city burns. Return to your duties captain.”
He waved the captain off then turned his head back to the city, not moving out of his relaxed position. She knew better then to consider him lazy or incompetent, she had seen him in action.
She saluted and quickly went back down into her tank. ————————————————————————
He held his helmet in the crook of his arm. He breathed in deeply, smiling as he watched the city burn. Something grabbed his boot and looked down, only to scowl in disgust.
A woman, her lower half aflame with one leg missing, held onto his boot and shin guard.
“Please….mercy! We surrender!”
He raised an eyebrow and followed the trail the rebel left in the dust to see several more wounded and scared rebels. One held up a white rag on a piece of rebar as a white flag.
Several of his auxilia aimed their rifles at the rebels as a sergeant began to moved forward with a pair of restraints.
He was stopped by Tiberius’s sword.
“Sergeant? What are you doing?”
“Uh…taking prisoners sir?”
The centurion tilted his head and smiled widely.
“Prisoners? I don’t recall ordering anyone to take prisoners.”
He lifted his boot and stomped on the wounded woman’s head, smiling wickedly at the crunch he heard under his foot.
“Uh….no my Centurion but legion command has-“
“Legion command? You are taking orders from Ultramarines instead of telling me that such orders have come through?”
“There was no time sir! The orders came fro-“
Tiberius put his helmet on and shoved the sergeant to the side, ripping the rifle from the soldiers hands.
“I see no space marines here soldier. I see soldiers and I see rebels. We kill rebels because we are soldiers.”
He took aim at the closest rebel, put his finger on the trigger and-
“Thats enough Centurion.”
He stopped. He slowly turned his head towards the new, feminine voice behind him.
“Excuse me troo-“
He stopped again and stared. She had to have been 10 feet or at least close, this goddess in blue and gold. Her short, cropped hair was golden blonde and a green, metallic laurel wreath was wrapped around her head to add to her noble features. She came with several ultramarines as an honor guard in tow but he was sure she could handle anything thrown her way with ease.
“The Lady of Macragge.”
He whispered in awe before looking around. Those under his command had shared his awe but where he shook himself free, the rest still stared.
“Damn you all, our Lady is here! Bow damn you! All of you bow!”
He paced up and down the line, ensuring his auxilia bowed. He then turned towards the rebels and pointed at the guards who stood over them.
“Them too, cmon now. Bow!”
The rebels resisted the guards orders and movements. The centurions rage grew as he stormed over and pulled his gladius from its sheath.
“I command thee BOW.”
He sliced the back of the knees of one of the captives, the man yelping in pain before yelling in agony from his nearly cut tendons. The rest fell in line quickly.
Tiberius marched towards the Primarch, her honor guard bringing their weapons to bare only for him to kneel down and stab his gladius into the dirt.
“My Lady. Centurion Tiberius Victor of the 3rd Macraggian Legion reporting.”
The Primarch stared down at the Centurion before her eyes went up and around. She took note of the rather large number of prisoners and the burning cityscape around them.
“A good campaign Centurion?”
Tiberius nodded, smiling widely under his helmet.
“Yes my Lady. I only wish it weren’t so boring, so easy! But it is done.”
It took every ounce of self control to not scowl at his arrogant and cocky nature. He spoke as if he had stomped on a bug rather than a rebels skull. Yet….something about him caught her attention.
“Remove your helm centurion.”
He did so without delay, removing his helmet and setting it at her feet. His hair was cut in the traditional military ‘high and tight’ fashion and he was mostly clean cut save for a well trimmed mustache that went no further than the corners of his mouth.
“I recall telling my command staff to recall you back as you had pushed to far ahead. Yet we stand here at the city we were meant to take, the one we were meant to hold. The one….that is currently burning to ashes around us. What do you have to say for yourself Centurion?”
He said nothing for a long time. Then, to her surprise, he laughed. The auxilia around them slowly looked at each other, their faces hidden beneath their helmets but all were worried or tense.
“Hahah! Ah….I say mission accomplished my Lady. I also say that this light really brings out the color of your eyes.”
He laughed again and slowly stood up while extending his arms out wide.
“I say I give you the best gift this galaxy can offer to someone like you from someone like me.”
His smile grew into the same cocky, full of himself grin those under his command knew so well.
“I give you victory, my Lady Juno.”
He held his gladius up and flourished it, letting the blade catch the firelight of a dying city.
“Victory.”
2024.05.17 10:09 Adept-Ad165 Would I be the Ahole if I told a friend she isn't invited to the trip
So I 21 F and my good friend R 21 F just booked tickets to go to a concert out of our country to see our favorite artist. R excitedly shared the news into our group chat. Background information that is relevant is that the group chat consist of seven people including me, R, J 21F, M 21F who have been friends for three years now. The three other people are V 21 F who is R 's girlfriend and her two best friends. We all go to the same university but we didn't become friends until R and V started talking/dating. The problem is that one of V's best friends S 21 F invited herself on the trip after learning where we are going. S claimed that this is her dream destination there is no way we are going and she isn't coming with. R tried to deescalate the situation by explaining that the trip was for the concert and that the couple days we were going to be spending there were for safety reasons because we didn't want to miss the concert due to flight delays. S didn't react very well to that and went as as to say that if she couldn't come with she wouldn't speak to us again. S then invited V to the trip so that we wouldn't have to worry about her being alone while we were at the concert. V said that she would have to think about it because the trip was going to be expensive. The reason why both me and R don't want S on the trip is because she is often immature and irresponsible. She is also chronically late and has a tendency to disrespect my boundaries. I am an anxious person and that is obviously made worse when traveling abroad, therefore I don't want to be made uncomfortable and have to act like a mother when I am there to have fun. All this happened in the group chat while I was working so I couldn't reply. R told me that the reason she didn't shut her down immediately is because she doesn't want to upset her girlfriend's best friend and in addition her girlfriend. So she suggested that we wait her out by postponing booking flights and accomodations hopping that by the time it comes up again she doesn't have the money saved up or we just suck it up and let her come for the sake of piece. However I have no problem explaining to S why she can't come and taking all the responsibility that I don't want her there so that R is in the clear with her girlfriend. I was talking about this with my parents and they said I was overreacting and that S's behavior is normal for people our age. My mum called me an asshole for wanting to say no and said that it was mean of me and K not invite everyone to the trip in the first place. Now I am conflicted and don't know what to do so would I be the asshole if I said no.
submitted by Adept-Ad165 to WouldIBeTheAhole [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 10:03 New-com3r1 How should i(27m) react after my father(m68) told me he can't stand the sight of me ?
I never had a strong relationship with him, he would always change workplaces, get scammed by his bosses, drink non stop and is generally unpleasant and always angry, i never asked for much and i got a job at 16 and started paying for myself, i went to college, got a degree and found a good job (i make 60K$ and have benefits), iam not perfect but iam respectful to my parents and people in general, i rarely swear, and almost everyone i know can see that .
Me and my brother bought a house a few years ago (got a mortage), and my parents and sister moved in with us, theyre are on the poorer side so that was the right thing to do... yet he is never satisfied or proud of me to say the least, infront of other people he always talks as if iam less than others and not good enough at anything, he would snap at every little thing, yell, swear, put me down and just wipe the floor with me, not to mention threatening me a couple times, i have to admit i felt like sh*t for years, i am thankful that i have a good loving mother to backs me up but for the past 15 years our family life have been hell, last year i bought a new car and he just ignored me and the car, didnt even look at it or accept to ride in it when i asked him .
A couple weeks ago we had a minor argument, something really stupid and i didnt raise my voice, swear or hurt him in any way, and he snapped at me cursing and yelling, he told me how much he hated me, he hated the sight of me, he doesnt want to be present in my weeding if i ever get married nor want anything to do with, i just said "fine do whatever makes you happy" .
If i say it doesnt somewhat hurt i'd be lying, but i knew it all along, he hated me with passion since day one, but i just have no dea what to do now, i am not feeling super confident in myself lately.
submitted by New-com3r1 to family [link] [comments]
Me and my brother bought a house a few years ago (got a mortage), and my parents and sister moved in with us, theyre are on the poorer side so that was the right thing to do... yet he is never satisfied or proud of me to say the least, infront of other people he always talks as if iam less than others and not good enough at anything, he would snap at every little thing, yell, swear, put me down and just wipe the floor with me, not to mention threatening me a couple times, i have to admit i felt like sh*t for years, i am thankful that i have a good loving mother to backs me up but for the past 15 years our family life have been hell, last year i bought a new car and he just ignored me and the car, didnt even look at it or accept to ride in it when i asked him .
A couple weeks ago we had a minor argument, something really stupid and i didnt raise my voice, swear or hurt him in any way, and he snapped at me cursing and yelling, he told me how much he hated me, he hated the sight of me, he doesnt want to be present in my weeding if i ever get married nor want anything to do with, i just said "fine do whatever makes you happy" .
If i say it doesnt somewhat hurt i'd be lying, but i knew it all along, he hated me with passion since day one, but i just have no dea what to do now, i am not feeling super confident in myself lately.
2024.05.17 10:03 borj5960 Is there any circumstance under which a freezer should reach 40F?
I have a GE refrigerator, model GTS19KMNRES. I am on my 3rd replacement of this fridge in 3 years... the first one the compressor went out. The 2nd one, slowly stopped cooling. I'm on the 3rd one, and it's been ok? until recently, when it started making some concerning noises from the back. I suspect maybe something dumb will happen with it too.
Among all of the refrigerators, there's been a common behavior: a couple times a week, I will open the freezer to get something out, find that everything is thawing/melting, and my thermometer is around 40F. The fridge will also be high, around 50F. The compressor will run for about 30 minutes at this point until it's cooled down; sometimes it seems it's my opening of the door that triggers it to run.
When I've spoken to GE, they say under no circumstances should this happen. The appliance repair guy agreed. That said, when I asked here, several folks said this is normal due to the fridge defrosting. That is believable to me. However, others on this sub said it's not normal and that should not happen, which leaves me confused.
The other annoying thing about these fridges is they struggle at keeping the fridge section consistently cool. Even on the max setting, it is a struggle for it to stay under 40F. Generally what happens is I start out with the fridge on setting 3/5 (manufacturer recommended), and on that it's about 37-38F, which is great. Slowly over the course of a few months, that creeps up to 45F as the "normal", and i have to tick the coolness setting up to 4/5. Same thing happens and I have to tick up to 5/5. At 5/5, the freezer stays at 10-15F so I can't keep it there long. After about a year, the fridge get to a point where it's almost never below 40F.
I have had the wiring in my home looked at, and it's not that. All fridges have been level, adequate room around the sides, NOT over filled, but also enough in there that they aren't empty (say 60%? full). Fan is NOT blocked, either in fridge or freezer. I do NOT keep the fridge doors open long (5 seconds or so when I open, unless putting groceries away), nor do I do so frequently: maybe 8-10 per day I open the fridge. I live alone and no one else uses this fridge. Since I only am noticing this a few times a week and I don't open it too often, I can only imagine it happens much more frequently.
Is this stuff normal? I am so confused.
submitted by borj5960 to appliancerepair [link] [comments]
Among all of the refrigerators, there's been a common behavior: a couple times a week, I will open the freezer to get something out, find that everything is thawing/melting, and my thermometer is around 40F. The fridge will also be high, around 50F. The compressor will run for about 30 minutes at this point until it's cooled down; sometimes it seems it's my opening of the door that triggers it to run.
When I've spoken to GE, they say under no circumstances should this happen. The appliance repair guy agreed. That said, when I asked here, several folks said this is normal due to the fridge defrosting. That is believable to me. However, others on this sub said it's not normal and that should not happen, which leaves me confused.
The other annoying thing about these fridges is they struggle at keeping the fridge section consistently cool. Even on the max setting, it is a struggle for it to stay under 40F. Generally what happens is I start out with the fridge on setting 3/5 (manufacturer recommended), and on that it's about 37-38F, which is great. Slowly over the course of a few months, that creeps up to 45F as the "normal", and i have to tick the coolness setting up to 4/5. Same thing happens and I have to tick up to 5/5. At 5/5, the freezer stays at 10-15F so I can't keep it there long. After about a year, the fridge get to a point where it's almost never below 40F.
I have had the wiring in my home looked at, and it's not that. All fridges have been level, adequate room around the sides, NOT over filled, but also enough in there that they aren't empty (say 60%? full). Fan is NOT blocked, either in fridge or freezer. I do NOT keep the fridge doors open long (5 seconds or so when I open, unless putting groceries away), nor do I do so frequently: maybe 8-10 per day I open the fridge. I live alone and no one else uses this fridge. Since I only am noticing this a few times a week and I don't open it too often, I can only imagine it happens much more frequently.
Is this stuff normal? I am so confused.
2024.05.17 10:01 mr_shaman Luxman L-30 with Wiim Pro (or Pro+)?
Hello,
I have a setup with passive speakers, a Luxman L-30 amp, a turntable and phisically apart from that a tv with a Chromecast that I might update to an apple tv soon.
Right now I don't use the tv/chromecast via the audio system as I don't have them connected via cable and don't plan to do it (they are far apart in the room in opposite sides). So I am looking for something that allows me to:
submitted by mr_shaman to BudgetAudiophile [link] [comments]
I have a setup with passive speakers, a Luxman L-30 amp, a turntable and phisically apart from that a tv with a Chromecast that I might update to an apple tv soon.
Right now I don't use the tv/chromecast via the audio system as I don't have them connected via cable and don't plan to do it (they are far apart in the room in opposite sides). So I am looking for something that allows me to:
- Play music from my phone wirelessly
- Output the sound from my chromecast/apple tv to the audio system
- Right now I just turn the amp on and off manually when I am going to use it, as it is always via the turntable or plugging the phone. However if everything is wireless I would love to be able to skip this step. How do people manage to do that? Do they just leave the amp always on?
- Will I be able to control the amp volume remotely? For example if I am outputing from the tv how do I turn the volume up and down, via the chromecast/apple tv control?
- Do you think this is a good setup or am I missing something? Would I be better selling the Luxman and simplifying the whole thing with a Wiim Amp directly?
2024.05.17 10:00 Grimij_Iiffith Fanfic Friday!
Hello everyone! Happy Friday! We're moving this post to back to Friday since the anime is over for now. We're gonna keep the same guidelines as usual:
Keep things civil, no harassing or fighting over "wHo'S BeST gIRl??"
Do not spam, if you have multiple submissions, just put them in one comment and label them correctly
LABEL, please mark spoilers, NSFW, if it's romance, adventure, which characters it's between, etc. Please mark where your story is written for the people who aren't caught up with novels (for ex. This fanfic follows events in vol 15). Also, I know many of you know of the BIG spoiler from V16, and have started implementing it into fics that take place before that volume, so please make sure you mark if any of your submissions have those kinds of spoilers.
Keep things Danmachi related. If it's a crossover fic, make sure its focus is on Danmachi.
If you are asking for recommendations, please only make one comment and compile it. Make sure to be specific in what you are asking but don't overdo it.
Have fun and go wild. Find some new stories and share them with your fellow fanfic lovers.
I'll try and keep an eye on things but I will hand this over to you guys. Self-moderate and enjoy.
submitted by Grimij_Iiffith to DanMachi [link] [comments]
Keep things civil, no harassing or fighting over "wHo'S BeST gIRl??"
Do not spam, if you have multiple submissions, just put them in one comment and label them correctly
LABEL, please mark spoilers, NSFW, if it's romance, adventure, which characters it's between, etc. Please mark where your story is written for the people who aren't caught up with novels (for ex. This fanfic follows events in vol 15). Also, I know many of you know of the BIG spoiler from V16, and have started implementing it into fics that take place before that volume, so please make sure you mark if any of your submissions have those kinds of spoilers.
Keep things Danmachi related. If it's a crossover fic, make sure its focus is on Danmachi.
If you are asking for recommendations, please only make one comment and compile it. Make sure to be specific in what you are asking but don't overdo it.
Have fun and go wild. Find some new stories and share them with your fellow fanfic lovers.
I'll try and keep an eye on things but I will hand this over to you guys. Self-moderate and enjoy.
2024.05.17 09:59 educational1112 Math Manipulatives Manufacturers, Suppliers and Exporters in India
 | Learn math with fun tools! Educational instruments help make math easy and enjoyable for students. Explore our school lab equipment to discover hands-on ways to introduce, practice, or improve math skills. submitted by educational1112 to u/educational1112 [link] [comments] Math tools help kids learn math by doing things with their hands. They help teach, practice, or fix math stuff. School lab equipment from Educational Instruments is a big help too! Math Manipulatives A Complete Math Manipulatives List and Their Uses: 1. Money Bags Coin Value Game: Engage Kids: The Money Bags Coin Value game makes learning about money fun and interactive. Educational Value: Teach children about coin values, counting, and basic math skills. Versatile Learning: Suitable for both classroom and home use. How to Use: Players take turns drawing cards and collecting coins to reach a target value. The player with the most money at the end wins. Where to Use: Ideal for classrooms, homeschooling, or family game nights. Money Bags Coin Value Game 2. Pretend and Play Calculator Cash Register: Realistic Play: The Pretend and Play Calculator Cash Register allows children to engage in imaginative play as they pretend to run their own store. Educational Benefits: Introduces basic math concepts such as addition, subtraction, and multiplication in a playful way. Interactive Features: Includes a calculator, pretend money, and a working cash drawer. How to Use: Children can role-play as cashiers, customers, or store owners, practicing math skills and social interaction. Where to Use: Perfect for playrooms, classrooms, and pretend play centers. Pretend and Play Calculator Cash Register 3. Cash Bash Electronic Flash Card: Modern Learning: The Cash Bash Electronic Flash Card combines technology with education for an engaging learning experience. Interactive Learning: Helps children practice math skills through electronic flashcards and quizzes. Portable: The compact design makes it easy to take on the go for learning anytime, anywhere. How to Use: Children can select different math levels and topics to practice, with instant feedback for improvement. Where to Use: Suitable for use at home, in classrooms, or during travel. Cash Bash Electronic Flash Card 4. 10 Row Abacus: Traditional Tool: The 10 Row Abacus offers a hands-on approach to learning math concepts. Visual Learning: Helps children understand place value, addition, subtraction, and more through tactile manipulation. Durable Construction: Made from sturdy materials to withstand frequent use. How to Use: Slide the beads on the abacus to perform math operations and solve equations. Where to Use: Ideal for classrooms, homeschooling, or individual practice at home. 10 Row Abacus 5. Hip Hoppin Hundreds Activity Mat: Active Learning: The Hip Hoppin Hundreds Activity Mat transforms math practice into a fun and active experience. Large Scale: Features a spacious mat with vibrant graphics, perfect for group activities or solo play. Multifunctional: Offers various math games and exercises to reinforce counting, addition, and subtraction skills. How to Use: Children can hop, jump, or walk along the mat while completing math challenges and exercises. Where to Use: Great for classrooms, gymnasiums, or outdoor play areas. Hip Hoppin Hundreds Activity Mat |
2024.05.17 09:59 JavitoMM Planing a Chronicle - Feedback request.
I will spare the details but the main idea is that the characters will have some weird Awakenings in wich the towers get covered by "something that's deep black and very disturbing".
It happens that they all have something inside them, sonething that is both in the physical and in the astral at the same time.
That something is part of a set of very ancient soul stones that were put on them before they were awakened and the one that put them there is one of their mentors. Why? Well, he is a Guardian of the Veil and an Acanthus and decided this was the best solution to avoid a Scelesti plot that was set in motion a long time ago.
These soulstones contain the souls of mages from the Neolithic era that, at their time, sacrificed themselves to stop a cult of proto-scelesti back in their time. By putting their own souls in these abyss tainted stones their awakened soul will fight to contain the abyss making them unsuable for their ritual but that didn't last forever. Era after era the same thing happened, more mages sacrificed themselves to the stones to prevent this to happen so this mentor decided to look for an alternative way and by using Fate he chose to do this. He doesn't know HOW it will be better, he just believes it will be better.
In the gameplay I will give them the option to empower their spells with extra die but that will have consequences. The first time they do that a paradox roll will happen.
Also, during a couple of sessions, I will give them alternate characters sheets allowing them to play as those neolithic mages that started it all. I think they will enjoy it.
Any feedback and suggestion would be appreciated.
submitted by JavitoMM to WhiteWolfRPG [link] [comments]
It happens that they all have something inside them, sonething that is both in the physical and in the astral at the same time.
That something is part of a set of very ancient soul stones that were put on them before they were awakened and the one that put them there is one of their mentors. Why? Well, he is a Guardian of the Veil and an Acanthus and decided this was the best solution to avoid a Scelesti plot that was set in motion a long time ago.
These soulstones contain the souls of mages from the Neolithic era that, at their time, sacrificed themselves to stop a cult of proto-scelesti back in their time. By putting their own souls in these abyss tainted stones their awakened soul will fight to contain the abyss making them unsuable for their ritual but that didn't last forever. Era after era the same thing happened, more mages sacrificed themselves to the stones to prevent this to happen so this mentor decided to look for an alternative way and by using Fate he chose to do this. He doesn't know HOW it will be better, he just believes it will be better.
In the gameplay I will give them the option to empower their spells with extra die but that will have consequences. The first time they do that a paradox roll will happen.
Also, during a couple of sessions, I will give them alternate characters sheets allowing them to play as those neolithic mages that started it all. I think they will enjoy it.
Any feedback and suggestion would be appreciated.
2024.05.17 09:58 Cheap-Ad-1958 My partner of 10years won't let me leave him.
I, (29 female) have been in a strange relationship with my boyfriend (33 male) for over 10 years now. I was 16 when we met and 18 when we had our first child of 2. Before having kids we had a bit of a wild side and would sometimes bring another person or 2 into the bedroom with us, we never got jealous and we're just young and having fun. We settled after the first child but about a year or so after having the second child I was not as sexually active as him and we started to explore the swinging world once again. This was mostly to satisfy my partner but also as a 21 year old I was interested in the fun. As we began to explore he also took up the art or making home brew. This was the beginning of the worst 4 yrs of my life... he would drink alot every day, he was a happy drunk so I wouldn't mind at first but it got really hard for me, he would not help with anything or play with the kids, infact I was genuinely scared of him around the kids or holding the kids as he would fall over alot and brake their things. At this time my oldest son was starting school, behind on speech, hated school and needed alot of therapy. My youngest child was diagnosed with Autism not long after, the highest on the spectrum. All while I'm dealing with this, my partner decided to have multiple litters of nednose pittbulls, each time she had 10 btw lol. So I'm trying to raise 2 toddlers who have special needs and 10 dogs... but all he cared about the whole time was drinking and swinging.... the house was in constant chaos... every birthday party, every Christmas, every event I worked so hard on he would just get so smashed and ruin the whole thing for the kids. But that alone I could have maybe dealt with and maybe we would be fine now but while all this was in full swing he would constantly be making plans with other couples, he would send people my pics and videos then invite them over without even asking me.. well he was asking me but then wouldn't ask if he knew I would say no.. but I already gave him boundaries not to bring them to our house or our kids to be around, we wer supposed to get a baby sitter... I just played along the first time because they were nice and didn't know the situation at all. But then he just kept doing it, random couples rocking up at our house and they were people I didn't want to sleep with, I told him I was not attracted to them but he would keep pushing and peer pressured me and I'd give in. I was around 21 and he wanted me to sleep with 50yr olds that I never even met, one time I just got drunk and told them to leave because I didn't know them and never messaged them, another time when i gave in and we be began sex and I hated it so much I pretended to be sick from drinking. It was constant fighting to keep these random people away. This was constant for years! I just wanted to focus on my kids, I cried every night, became so depressed and dangerously skinny with an eating disorder.
After 4years he proposed we move in with his parents to save money and buy a house, I only agreed because I knew he couldn't do it anymore but by this stage I was so burnt out and depressed I was bed ridden and just wanted to die. Him and his parents were so mad that I was depressed and told me I was so pathetic and lazy and had to get a job, I lost 2 jobs in a row because the school and therapy were so constant I couldn't be at work enough... I was never good enough no matter how much I did.
We eventually bought a house and I had a steady job that I enjoyed but I couldn't help feel resentful, I could no longer enjoy sex with my partner, I was pretending to like it but I was digusted. He had already broken my heart so many times that it no longer felt right.
Now for the last 3 yrs we have been in a back and forth battle of weather to end it or not. He says it's in the past and doesn't matter but it was a large period of my life and quiet traumatic. He says he will do anything for me and for the past 3 yrs he has been the best partner anyone could ask for. He does all the chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning and just anything I ask. He does all the kids stuff and is just amazing.. but I hate it. I wish he was there for me when I needed him the most, when I couldn't eat or shower when the babies were crying... when I just wanted a sleep... basic human needs... how can you look at the mother of ur kids struggling so bad, just wanting to eat or shower, wanting to end her life and just not care at all... the way he treated me... I don't think I can ever get over it. I've been expressing this to him for 3years. We tried and tried to get over it and make things better but his touch still makes my skin crawl.
But every time I try to leave him he won't let me! He begs and calls and texts and promises the world and won't leave me alone!!! He left for a few days last week but now he is back here and says he is happy to live with me but not have sex. I'm so fked in the head right now. He makes me feel bad, like I'm making the wrong decision. I feel like a bad mum, denying her kids of a better future with their dad. I don't know what to do, he's driving me crazy and it feels like the longest break up in history!
TL;DR: baby daddy won't let me go after a strange abusive relationship.
submitted by Cheap-Ad-1958 to relationships [link] [comments]
After 4years he proposed we move in with his parents to save money and buy a house, I only agreed because I knew he couldn't do it anymore but by this stage I was so burnt out and depressed I was bed ridden and just wanted to die. Him and his parents were so mad that I was depressed and told me I was so pathetic and lazy and had to get a job, I lost 2 jobs in a row because the school and therapy were so constant I couldn't be at work enough... I was never good enough no matter how much I did.
We eventually bought a house and I had a steady job that I enjoyed but I couldn't help feel resentful, I could no longer enjoy sex with my partner, I was pretending to like it but I was digusted. He had already broken my heart so many times that it no longer felt right.
Now for the last 3 yrs we have been in a back and forth battle of weather to end it or not. He says it's in the past and doesn't matter but it was a large period of my life and quiet traumatic. He says he will do anything for me and for the past 3 yrs he has been the best partner anyone could ask for. He does all the chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning and just anything I ask. He does all the kids stuff and is just amazing.. but I hate it. I wish he was there for me when I needed him the most, when I couldn't eat or shower when the babies were crying... when I just wanted a sleep... basic human needs... how can you look at the mother of ur kids struggling so bad, just wanting to eat or shower, wanting to end her life and just not care at all... the way he treated me... I don't think I can ever get over it. I've been expressing this to him for 3years. We tried and tried to get over it and make things better but his touch still makes my skin crawl.
But every time I try to leave him he won't let me! He begs and calls and texts and promises the world and won't leave me alone!!! He left for a few days last week but now he is back here and says he is happy to live with me but not have sex. I'm so fked in the head right now. He makes me feel bad, like I'm making the wrong decision. I feel like a bad mum, denying her kids of a better future with their dad. I don't know what to do, he's driving me crazy and it feels like the longest break up in history!
TL;DR: baby daddy won't let me go after a strange abusive relationship.
2024.05.17 09:57 inwhichzeegoesinsane "See? He left, he doesn't care about us..."
Shhhhh, calm down, stop extrapolating. It's okay. I'm still here for you - the moment I know the real you wants me to be.
I feel it might not just be myself, facing storms. I've been tracking my demon, that shell-of-a-man you helped me discover lay within me. I'm starting to corner him, have him understood, figured out. (Thank you again for helping me to see him, and helping to remember Me. One way or another, you always do that. Knowing you is always a Light for me; even when it's just knowing of you, like I said with the Stones. =3)
Yet I'm wondering about Her, too. Your possible demon, the one who tells you I don't care. Can you feel her, do you hear her? "Protecting" you, yet isolating you.
She snidely scoffs, weaves you a shell by telling you you're superior, better off - yet she keeps you cut off, keeps you to herself; traps you in her own web of Words, their resonance shelling you, hiding you even from the warm salve of comfort and reassurance that might've helped soothe core wounds. (If you don't trust me, ask me about the digital village of healers I've come across.)
Your demon tells you not to connect with people - that we're all only going to hurt you, when the truth is many of us have scars on our hearts and souls too. Even if you hate me, if you never speak to me again - that joy I felt thinking you hadn't given up on us, on people in general, had me relieved. I don't know if I'd've ever forgiven myself if what I was to you was that last chance you gave us. Maybe you were right; you needed someone Secure (or earned-Secure). I hadn't been, yet. Still am not, though a lot of times I feel it.
You don't have to if you don't want to. I won't presume to tell you what your happiness would look like, anymore. That was my prize mistake; we can never decide happiness for each other, nor assume ours map to others'. I'm sure I'll make it again with others someday - I keep getting excited when I think I'v'e it figured out; but the truth is I rarely if ever do. I make mistakes, repeat, iterate. I'm sure it's when I'd assert something patently false that you'd've seen me, maybe accepted me with a chuckle (or an inevitably adorable eyeroll) had you stuck around.
What you want, what you decide - that is up to you, but remember you don't have to leave it up to your Demon, either. You decide what your happiness is, not me, not her. The real you who decides to agree it's worth it to reach out to people; not the one who'd sooner leave herself up in the tower, itself a cage of her own design. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one you felt comfortable letting your guard down around; I'm so, so sorry I didn't take the time to hear you, listen to you, realize how important that moment was to you.
The fact that I hurt you so much hurts me, because the person you are, I love so much too. You did what I thought impossible; made me fall in love with lights, yours shining brighter than any fiber-optic signals. In this beautiful era, this age of the 'net, having found each other through such a wonderful revolutionary iconic technology - I'd still have wanted to revisit the others through the ages with you. Telegraph and ham radio. :3 (Oooo! The lab could have Nixie tubes! =D)
...But yes, part of me will always love you, though you may doubt me - I know the person you are. You showed me, in perhaps the most beautiful, vulnerable display; that deluge of honesty a welcome reprieve in a sea of superficial people barely able to muster ten words to describe themselves. You were just you, and the you-you-are is
I'd give anything to hear your true voice again, as I feel I hear when you're talking to The Void, when you think no one's listening. I'd be silent for days, weeks, just to let her talk. And someday, I'll figure out what she needed - a keyword of silence, a Void to talk into, home field language advantage - for her storms and mine to finally harmonize, and layer together.
You decided back then to just be yourself, your full self, and damn the consequences. (Even if the consequences were an inexperienced blue blob who scampers too loudly to listen, only learns mistakes after he's broken the vase, can't read caution tape...) And that you - that honest, vulnerable, caring, loving, warm, cold, ruthless, pragmatic, silly, caring woman? Ask me how I feel about her in person sometime; after you've convinced yourself I couldn't possibly have known you, loved you; and maybe then you'll believe me when I hold her close, and tell her how long I knew.
And I might never get to do that; but no matter what happens, Bee... I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I won't mark this "Strangers" [nb: I was gonna post to the UL sub] - I know you feel safer there, I know you know my established handles, way of speaking - but I don't think I could ever feel that way about you again.
Hopefully someday you feel we could at least be friends - I know any moment I spent around you I'd enjoy, even if it's just talking about silly fun mangas.
But to show you, I can be strangers too... If that's what you really want. :winks:
:eyes you, then Her, then you again pointedly:
I can't defeat your Demon for you; just as you couldn't've mine. The most I can do is give you the Weapons, my words and actions, to use against her when she starts telling you I don't care. But don't let her control you. It's okay. I'm here for you.
I don't care how many other people exist between me and you. That thing I built when we thought we'd lost each other? I'd build it again, and again, as many times as it takes. For as long as I believe you might still be that loving, caring, warm soul who dared to hope against herself that I care about you, don't worry. I'm here for you, and as long as I think I might know that about you I always will be.
You're safe. We found each other. As long as we care about each other, can be honest with each other, can be ourselves with each other someday. As long as I can remember to simmer down, to hear you. (I was hoping as long as you realize being yourself won't make me leave, just attract me more... :3)
And if you're the person I think you are, I think you might like me too. My well of optimism, my own cold ruthless Logician (whom you might've underestimated? =3 :scribbles proofs:) protecc'ing my own happy-dumb core. And so someday, if you need help fighting her, I'll reach out again too. Help you show her what I know and you want to believe.
...
:looks up:
We're a couple of silly ducks, aren't we. 😅
Miss you, as always. You should know that by now - but I know, you probably still think you don't really know me. (I'm the guy hoping the Data Points I'm shouting into the void are making it to the heart-seismograph in the locked room. Lol)
Miss y- (oh, loop! 😂 Though, that'd be a fun loop to be in. ❤️)
submitted by inwhichzeegoesinsane to u/inwhichzeegoesinsane [link] [comments]
I feel it might not just be myself, facing storms. I've been tracking my demon, that shell-of-a-man you helped me discover lay within me. I'm starting to corner him, have him understood, figured out. (Thank you again for helping me to see him, and helping to remember Me. One way or another, you always do that. Knowing you is always a Light for me; even when it's just knowing of you, like I said with the Stones. =3)
Yet I'm wondering about Her, too. Your possible demon, the one who tells you I don't care. Can you feel her, do you hear her? "Protecting" you, yet isolating you.
She snidely scoffs, weaves you a shell by telling you you're superior, better off - yet she keeps you cut off, keeps you to herself; traps you in her own web of Words, their resonance shelling you, hiding you even from the warm salve of comfort and reassurance that might've helped soothe core wounds. (If you don't trust me, ask me about the digital village of healers I've come across.)
Your demon tells you not to connect with people - that we're all only going to hurt you, when the truth is many of us have scars on our hearts and souls too. Even if you hate me, if you never speak to me again - that joy I felt thinking you hadn't given up on us, on people in general, had me relieved. I don't know if I'd've ever forgiven myself if what I was to you was that last chance you gave us. Maybe you were right; you needed someone Secure (or earned-Secure). I hadn't been, yet. Still am not, though a lot of times I feel it.
What you want, what you decide - that is up to you, but remember you don't have to leave it up to your Demon, either. You decide what your happiness is, not me, not her. The real you who decides to agree it's worth it to reach out to people; not the one who'd sooner leave herself up in the tower, itself a cage of her own design. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one you felt comfortable letting your guard down around; I'm so, so sorry I didn't take the time to hear you, listen to you, realize how important that moment was to you.
The fact that I hurt you so much hurts me, because the person you are, I love so much too. You did what I thought impossible; made me fall in love with lights, yours shining brighter than any fiber-optic signals. In this beautiful era, this age of the 'net, having found each other through such a wonderful revolutionary iconic technology - I'd still have wanted to revisit the others through the ages with you. Telegraph and ham radio. :3 (Oooo! The lab could have Nixie tubes! =D)
...But yes, part of me will always love you, though you may doubt me - I know the person you are. You showed me, in perhaps the most beautiful, vulnerable display; that deluge of honesty a welcome reprieve in a sea of superficial people barely able to muster ten words to describe themselves. You were just you, and the you-you-are is
I'd give anything to hear your true voice again, as I feel I hear when you're talking to The Void, when you think no one's listening. I'd be silent for days, weeks, just to let her talk. And someday, I'll figure out what she needed - a keyword of silence, a Void to talk into, home field language advantage - for her storms and mine to finally harmonize, and layer together.
You decided back then to just be yourself, your full self, and damn the consequences. (Even if the consequences were an inexperienced blue blob who scampers too loudly to listen, only learns mistakes after he's broken the vase, can't read caution tape...) And that you - that honest, vulnerable, caring, loving, warm, cold, ruthless, pragmatic, silly, caring woman? Ask me how I feel about her in person sometime; after you've convinced yourself I couldn't possibly have known you, loved you; and maybe then you'll believe me when I hold her close, and tell her how long I knew.
And I might never get to do that; but no matter what happens, Bee... I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Hopefully someday you feel we could at least be friends - I know any moment I spent around you I'd enjoy, even if it's just talking about silly fun mangas.
But to show you, I can be strangers too... If that's what you really want. :winks:
:eyes you, then Her, then you again pointedly:
I can't defeat your Demon for you; just as you couldn't've mine. The most I can do is give you the Weapons, my words and actions, to use against her when she starts telling you I don't care. But don't let her control you. It's okay. I'm here for you.
I don't care how many other people exist between me and you. That thing I built when we thought we'd lost each other? I'd build it again, and again, as many times as it takes. For as long as I believe you might still be that loving, caring, warm soul who dared to hope against herself that I care about you, don't worry. I'm here for you, and as long as I think I might know that about you I always will be.
You're safe. We found each other. As long as we care about each other, can be honest with each other, can be ourselves with each other someday. As long as I can remember to simmer down, to hear you. (I was hoping as long as you realize being yourself won't make me leave, just attract me more... :3)
And if you're the person I think you are, I think you might like me too. My well of optimism, my own cold ruthless Logician (whom you might've underestimated? =3 :scribbles proofs:) protecc'ing my own happy-dumb core. And so someday, if you need help fighting her, I'll reach out again too. Help you show her what I know and you want to believe.
...
:looks up:
We're a couple of silly ducks, aren't we. 😅
Miss you, as always. You should know that by now - but I know, you probably still think you don't really know me. (I'm the guy hoping the Data Points I'm shouting into the void are making it to the heart-seismograph in the locked room. Lol)
Miss y- (oh, loop! 😂 Though, that'd be a fun loop to be in. ❤️)
2024.05.17 09:55 Electrical_Year_2408 i need advice on how to get my life together. i’m stuck in a self sabotaging loop.
i suspect that the main issues i struggle with are: 1. decision paralysis 2. struggle w imperfection 3. tons of anxiety -> results in ‘lazy’ behaviours as i feel tired and sad all the darn time 4. looking too far into the future and trying to plan things.
i’m lost on what to study at college, and how to overcome my bad habits and become a more functional human being.
ultimately my goals would be to 1. move out of singapore to somewhere bigger & with more work life balance 2. find a partner 3. earn enough money to survive
but at the rate i’m going, i don’t think i’ll achieve these goals because they seem so difficult, especially the first goal of migration.
and for no 2, i feel really lonely all the darn time. my relationship w my family is terrible (mother is depressed and suicidal. dad and her keep lying to each other and i have to keep secrets).
i have a couple of friends i hang out w occasionally but i feel it’s not enough??? i want someone constant in my life.
i’m going for therapy, and also have read loads of self help books such as atomic habits, the paradox of choice etc. and while these books are making me more aware of how i am sabotaging myself, i just can’t put it into action?
i have some really bad habits that started since i was in high school. i feel my anxiety started compounding during this period because i went to a ‘top’ school, and i felt it was the worst decision i ever made. i got rejected by all the extracurricular clubs i wanted, had no friends, and i couldn’t catch up with the work because everyone else was so smart and there was a lot of self directed learning (heck we didn’t even have lectures for chemistry).
oh, and also we were studying other countries’ uni level chemistry/math at high school.
i slept in (couldn’t get up as i felt miserable and lonely when i got up. my dreams were better than my reality), skipped classes etc etc.
i repeated 1 year, and also repeated the same habits, but at least i studied at home then, and did really well for my finals.
after that, i had a lot of anxiety on choosing where i wanted to study. i decided on a uni in singapore, and i sabotaged myself during that degree because 1. i kept comparing myself to others
thereafter, i started a job at a company, but i feel that im sabotaging myself again. i’m not proactive, and im letting my bad habits of being late for work or skipping work start again. i also exaggerated in my resume, and im beginning to face the consequences. my manager is getting really annoyed at my inefficiency. (AS SHE SHOULD). now i want to redeem myself and buck up.
and in terms of studies, i can’t decide what course i want to study because i don’t even know what i want to do in the future.
and i don’t even know whether i want to study in singapore and save some money, or if i should splurge and study abroad. (im privileged that my fam can afford it so i wouldn’t
and if i should study abroad, WHERE? i have so many choices.
how do i improve myself? how do i overcome my bad habits? HOW DO I OVERCOME MY ANXIETY AND Misery?
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT. I’ve been sabotaging myself for the past 3 years and i want to stop it.
on a related note, i am considering taking another gap year to do a working holiday in australia.
but i’m just scared that by doing so, i’m just delaying my decision on what to study (and thus giving into my indecision). because there’s no perfect decision and i am just delaying my decision again.
and, singaporean unis don’t allow us to defer our studies for a gap year. so i may not have my offer anymore. and i don’t know if i’ll get offered a place there anymore.
also, im already struggling so much with lethargy and laziness in an OFFICE JOB. I don’t know if working 6 days/week at Mac Donald’s to survive living alone in australia will make my anxiety even worse.
also, my parents are funding my education, and when i decided to take my 1st gap year after dropping out, they kept scolding me on how I AM chronologically behind my peers by 2 years, and that at the rate i’m going i’ll never go to college etc etc.
and some context, trades are paid 💩 in singapore. to have a decent income here, i NEED a degree. even if i were to study an arts degree, that’s better than being degree less.
with a degree, i’ll definitely be able to find a job. it’s just whether the job has good work life balance, and whether it can help me achieve my dream of living abroad
thanks.
submitted by Electrical_Year_2408 to Advice [link] [comments]
i’m lost on what to study at college, and how to overcome my bad habits and become a more functional human being.
ultimately my goals would be to 1. move out of singapore to somewhere bigger & with more work life balance 2. find a partner 3. earn enough money to survive
but at the rate i’m going, i don’t think i’ll achieve these goals because they seem so difficult, especially the first goal of migration.
and for no 2, i feel really lonely all the darn time. my relationship w my family is terrible (mother is depressed and suicidal. dad and her keep lying to each other and i have to keep secrets).
i have a couple of friends i hang out w occasionally but i feel it’s not enough??? i want someone constant in my life.
i’m going for therapy, and also have read loads of self help books such as atomic habits, the paradox of choice etc. and while these books are making me more aware of how i am sabotaging myself, i just can’t put it into action?
i have some really bad habits that started since i was in high school. i feel my anxiety started compounding during this period because i went to a ‘top’ school, and i felt it was the worst decision i ever made. i got rejected by all the extracurricular clubs i wanted, had no friends, and i couldn’t catch up with the work because everyone else was so smart and there was a lot of self directed learning (heck we didn’t even have lectures for chemistry).
oh, and also we were studying other countries’ uni level chemistry/math at high school.
i slept in (couldn’t get up as i felt miserable and lonely when i got up. my dreams were better than my reality), skipped classes etc etc.
i repeated 1 year, and also repeated the same habits, but at least i studied at home then, and did really well for my finals.
after that, i had a lot of anxiety on choosing where i wanted to study. i decided on a uni in singapore, and i sabotaged myself during that degree because 1. i kept comparing myself to others
- i kept worrying that i wouldn’t do well enough to do a Masters overseas (so I’ll be stuck in singapore for even longer)
- i kept worrying i wouldn’t do well enough academically to do an exchange programme
thereafter, i started a job at a company, but i feel that im sabotaging myself again. i’m not proactive, and im letting my bad habits of being late for work or skipping work start again. i also exaggerated in my resume, and im beginning to face the consequences. my manager is getting really annoyed at my inefficiency. (AS SHE SHOULD). now i want to redeem myself and buck up.
and in terms of studies, i can’t decide what course i want to study because i don’t even know what i want to do in the future.
and i don’t even know whether i want to study in singapore and save some money, or if i should splurge and study abroad. (im privileged that my fam can afford it so i wouldn’t
and if i should study abroad, WHERE? i have so many choices.
how do i improve myself? how do i overcome my bad habits? HOW DO I OVERCOME MY ANXIETY AND Misery?
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT. I’ve been sabotaging myself for the past 3 years and i want to stop it.
on a related note, i am considering taking another gap year to do a working holiday in australia.
but i’m just scared that by doing so, i’m just delaying my decision on what to study (and thus giving into my indecision). because there’s no perfect decision and i am just delaying my decision again.
and, singaporean unis don’t allow us to defer our studies for a gap year. so i may not have my offer anymore. and i don’t know if i’ll get offered a place there anymore.
also, im already struggling so much with lethargy and laziness in an OFFICE JOB. I don’t know if working 6 days/week at Mac Donald’s to survive living alone in australia will make my anxiety even worse.
also, my parents are funding my education, and when i decided to take my 1st gap year after dropping out, they kept scolding me on how I AM chronologically behind my peers by 2 years, and that at the rate i’m going i’ll never go to college etc etc.
and some context, trades are paid 💩 in singapore. to have a decent income here, i NEED a degree. even if i were to study an arts degree, that’s better than being degree less.
with a degree, i’ll definitely be able to find a job. it’s just whether the job has good work life balance, and whether it can help me achieve my dream of living abroad
thanks.
2024.05.17 09:53 Severe_Subject_9560 Am I wrong for continuing to reach out to my suicidal Ex every few months or so?
TLDR: Ex attempted suicide while we were together and broke up with me soon after. Over the past year I have continued to reach out to her every few months or so to see how she is going, and to see if there is any chance we could be in each other's lives again (be it friends or relationship), even though she has expressed very much that she wants me to let her go and that she can't continue this ("this" being the talking to me).
Bit of a long post, sorry, but here goes.
Just over a year ago at the beginning of 2023, while we were dating, my Ex made a suicide attempt and very nearly didn't make it through. Obviously, this was a very tough time for her, and everyone close to her. Her family and I did all we could to offer support and be there for her during the recovery time. She went back home to her parents' place, in another city, after being released from hospital but only stayed a few days as she couldn't take it and just wanted to go back to her "normal" life. She is very much of the stubborn type and doesn't like to be given help by other people and feels like she has to do things herself. She also is very hard on herself, and I believe she feels a lot of self-blame and guilt for what happened (this is important for later on).
She was admitted to a mental health ward shortly after getting out of hospital which devastated her and obviously threw her "normal" life out the window. All she wanted to do after getting out of hospital was get back to her flat, back to her job, back to uni, and just continue on. I would call her on the phone most nights and offer to visit but she would refuse the visit as she didn't want me to "see her like this and in this place". Eventually they allowed her time out, like 4 hours a day and we would catch up during these times when we could, a lot of the time she wasn't up for it which I understood.
She got out of the ward about 2 months after being admitted and it was a tough month afterwards. She was obviously not feeling well about the whole situation and wasn't anywhere close to getting "better". At one point she even expressed to me how she still wanted to die. I was always very supportive of her, encouraging her to seek help via therapy, talking to her about it, encouraging her to come on walks/gym with me and whatever I thought might lift her mood. I made it very clear to her that I don't have any resentment toward her or any ill feelings for what happened and that I only wanted to do whatever I could to help her get better, I really cared for her and loved her.
Unfortunately, after this tough month she decided to call it quits, claiming she thinks it will be better for both of us, that I deserve better, that she cares enough about me to not fuck me around... I agreed at the time saying that it probably is for the best, something I regret to this day and wish I fought a little more. There were a few instances before this in our relationship we she expressed that she thinks we should break up, not exactly pulling the pin, rather expressing her feelings, and I have talked her out of it and changed her mind (now I see why, she was most likely having thoughts about attempting suicide at this point).
After this breakup we talked a little over the next couple of weeks, seeing each other at the gym a couple times but it eventually got too much for her and she expressed this, so I suggested we got no contact, she agreed. This was probably the toughest time of my life as I not only was deeply saddened by our breakup as I loved her greatly, but I also worried a shit ton about whether or not she would be here when I woke up the next day. We remained in no contact for about 1 month I think until we spotted each other at the gym again and talked there, I then texted her after and tried to start a conversation, we talked for a little bit until she expressed how this needs to stop and she wants me to move on and let her go. A month after this her flat had a party and she invited me over, we have a small rekindling for a couple days but eventually it got to the same end result.
Since our initial breakup I have learned that she has been back to the mental ward two more times, the second being after making another suicide attempt. By coincidence, I reached out to her during both of these times and remained in contact until she was out, when she would call it quits shortly after. I think talking to me helped get her through it a little bit. The second time she expressed still that she doesn't really see any alternative future than her ending herself.
In short, every few months or so, I have reached out again via txt, she is initially very hesitant, but we normally continue talking for a little while until eventually we get to a point where she get very emotional and calls it quits again.
She has expressed to me each time these talks come to an end that she just wants me to let her go. She makes it very clear that she loved me very much and cares for me greatly, but she just wants me to move on and that she can't continue this. The problem is, I just can't stop worrying about her and obviously don't want to see her go. I also desire heavily to be a part of her life again. After not talking to her for a couple of months or more, I get a MASSIVE urge to reach out and check up on her, talk to her, that I just can't seem to shake. I get heavily down in my own life during these times as I can't think of anything else. I almost believe that if I don't reach out to her than I am giving up on her and feel as though I am turning my back on a loved one in their time of need. I also can't help but feel the reason she wants me to let her go and move on is that she is still planning on making another attempt and wants to lessen the impact on me as much as possible. Ofc, I would be destroyed either way.
I am writing this post as I am once again feeling these urges and struggling to decide what I should do.
I want to do everything within my power to help her through this time, but I feel like she is pushing/has pushed me away not because she doesn't want a relationship with me, but because she feels extremely guilty about what happened. She believes she has hurt me greatly and wears a lot of blame because of that, she even said that she breaks down when I text her as she feels so sorry for what she did to me. I have expressed to her many times that I don't see it that way and that there is nothing else I would rather do than to "help" her, that I can't "save" her, I just want to be there for her and support her.
So, am I wrong for continuing to reach out to my Ex?
Bit of background info, we only dated for 7 months total and were not living with each other. Even though it was short, she made me feel ways that I have never felt before and we had a very strong connection.
submitted by Severe_Subject_9560 to amiwrong [link] [comments]
Bit of a long post, sorry, but here goes.
Just over a year ago at the beginning of 2023, while we were dating, my Ex made a suicide attempt and very nearly didn't make it through. Obviously, this was a very tough time for her, and everyone close to her. Her family and I did all we could to offer support and be there for her during the recovery time. She went back home to her parents' place, in another city, after being released from hospital but only stayed a few days as she couldn't take it and just wanted to go back to her "normal" life. She is very much of the stubborn type and doesn't like to be given help by other people and feels like she has to do things herself. She also is very hard on herself, and I believe she feels a lot of self-blame and guilt for what happened (this is important for later on).
She was admitted to a mental health ward shortly after getting out of hospital which devastated her and obviously threw her "normal" life out the window. All she wanted to do after getting out of hospital was get back to her flat, back to her job, back to uni, and just continue on. I would call her on the phone most nights and offer to visit but she would refuse the visit as she didn't want me to "see her like this and in this place". Eventually they allowed her time out, like 4 hours a day and we would catch up during these times when we could, a lot of the time she wasn't up for it which I understood.
She got out of the ward about 2 months after being admitted and it was a tough month afterwards. She was obviously not feeling well about the whole situation and wasn't anywhere close to getting "better". At one point she even expressed to me how she still wanted to die. I was always very supportive of her, encouraging her to seek help via therapy, talking to her about it, encouraging her to come on walks/gym with me and whatever I thought might lift her mood. I made it very clear to her that I don't have any resentment toward her or any ill feelings for what happened and that I only wanted to do whatever I could to help her get better, I really cared for her and loved her.
Unfortunately, after this tough month she decided to call it quits, claiming she thinks it will be better for both of us, that I deserve better, that she cares enough about me to not fuck me around... I agreed at the time saying that it probably is for the best, something I regret to this day and wish I fought a little more. There were a few instances before this in our relationship we she expressed that she thinks we should break up, not exactly pulling the pin, rather expressing her feelings, and I have talked her out of it and changed her mind (now I see why, she was most likely having thoughts about attempting suicide at this point).
After this breakup we talked a little over the next couple of weeks, seeing each other at the gym a couple times but it eventually got too much for her and she expressed this, so I suggested we got no contact, she agreed. This was probably the toughest time of my life as I not only was deeply saddened by our breakup as I loved her greatly, but I also worried a shit ton about whether or not she would be here when I woke up the next day. We remained in no contact for about 1 month I think until we spotted each other at the gym again and talked there, I then texted her after and tried to start a conversation, we talked for a little bit until she expressed how this needs to stop and she wants me to move on and let her go. A month after this her flat had a party and she invited me over, we have a small rekindling for a couple days but eventually it got to the same end result.
Since our initial breakup I have learned that she has been back to the mental ward two more times, the second being after making another suicide attempt. By coincidence, I reached out to her during both of these times and remained in contact until she was out, when she would call it quits shortly after. I think talking to me helped get her through it a little bit. The second time she expressed still that she doesn't really see any alternative future than her ending herself.
In short, every few months or so, I have reached out again via txt, she is initially very hesitant, but we normally continue talking for a little while until eventually we get to a point where she get very emotional and calls it quits again.
She has expressed to me each time these talks come to an end that she just wants me to let her go. She makes it very clear that she loved me very much and cares for me greatly, but she just wants me to move on and that she can't continue this. The problem is, I just can't stop worrying about her and obviously don't want to see her go. I also desire heavily to be a part of her life again. After not talking to her for a couple of months or more, I get a MASSIVE urge to reach out and check up on her, talk to her, that I just can't seem to shake. I get heavily down in my own life during these times as I can't think of anything else. I almost believe that if I don't reach out to her than I am giving up on her and feel as though I am turning my back on a loved one in their time of need. I also can't help but feel the reason she wants me to let her go and move on is that she is still planning on making another attempt and wants to lessen the impact on me as much as possible. Ofc, I would be destroyed either way.
I am writing this post as I am once again feeling these urges and struggling to decide what I should do.
I want to do everything within my power to help her through this time, but I feel like she is pushing/has pushed me away not because she doesn't want a relationship with me, but because she feels extremely guilty about what happened. She believes she has hurt me greatly and wears a lot of blame because of that, she even said that she breaks down when I text her as she feels so sorry for what she did to me. I have expressed to her many times that I don't see it that way and that there is nothing else I would rather do than to "help" her, that I can't "save" her, I just want to be there for her and support her.
So, am I wrong for continuing to reach out to my Ex?
Bit of background info, we only dated for 7 months total and were not living with each other. Even though it was short, she made me feel ways that I have never felt before and we had a very strong connection.
2024.05.17 09:53 National_Rock5325 Relationship advice for 28m and 24F
I am currently in a 7 year relationship. I am a 28M she is a 24F. We’ve Been dating and been through just about everything imaginable. I was broke and insecure she was there. Truthfully she’s amazing and super talented. Fast forward a bit to where we are now, she is turning a bit more violent and feel like there’s a bit of resentment towards me. I can tell you from 100% certainty our fights are the dumbest. She thinks that I am with many different women or she thinks that I’m always against her and “one upping her”. I promise you I’m not. I work to support her and follow her dreams that’s it. I wish I could say the reason she thinks I’m with other women, I have begged her and asked why she thinks that way, I have no best friends that are girls majority of the women at work are in there 50s and married. I legitimately look forward to just coming home and seeing her. Recently there was two fights that told me maybe this can’t be saved. Fight number 1 was because she thought me and my old boss had a thing. I can assure you that was never remotely the case she’s 57 and I was strictly an IT guy for the company. Above all she actually adored my girlfriend if anything. That fight there was a lot of frustration because I’m trying to prove there’s nothing going on, all text messages are very cut throat and getting password resets and all the boring IT guy duties. Long story short she ends up getting pretty mad and assuming I’m with my boss and things became violent. The only solution I had was to leave. I quit my job as honestly I’m only working for my girlfriend. Fight number 2 is very similar we went out with some friends and she She got very upset and assumed I was talking bad about her? When in all reality I wasn’t we were having a great time having fun with another couple, we went to a small bar and just genuinely had an amazing time. After trying to explain to her that I wasn’t talking shit she became super violent and said I was lying. Moral of the story is I’m hurt. I’m stuck and idk what to do. I love this girl man, she’s my best friend, but I’m getting hurt. Can this even be improved? Or is it time to call it quits? Am I wrong for wanting to leave? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
submitted by National_Rock5325 to AITAH [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 09:52 Edwardthecrazyman Hiraeth or Where the Children Play: The Preparation for a Night of Demon Burning [13]
First/Previous
The travel took on a less gloomy quality in the day that passed since Gemma’s self-reflection and although there remained a queer distance in her eyes, she seemed in better spirits in losing the weight of the words.
It was a night just beyond Wabash Crevasse that we pushed on till sunset was almost upon us and we were each tired and the food stocks ran low and so we found harbor in a half collapsed cellar where a home once stood; it was only after examining the slatted, rotted boards of the old place, fallen over, tired with decay, that we spied the cellar doors intact; sheets of door metal plied us with safety from the outside world and the interior of the place stank of mold and the deeper recesses were collapsed, but there was a cradle to crossbar the stair hatch and I put my prybar there for the night. We finished the water and canned tomatoes, and I smoked a cigarette, staving off the inevitable doom which would come with the dwindling of our supplies.
I’d peeked through the space where the doors met at the cellar’s entry and watched the full darkness there while the youngins spoke of life and the trivial pursuits of it and I hardly said a word besides.
Sitting on the lowest step with Trouble dumbly maintaining her station by me, by the low glow of the space in the threshold, I saw they’d pushed their bedrolls together and Andrew had fallen asleep with his arm over Gemma’s shoulder and her eyes glowed with shine from the crack, blinked a few times while seeing me; she too eventually drifted to sleep, and I spent time by the secured door.
Gunshots rang across the stillness, and they stirred from their quiet slumber and Gemma asked, “Harlan, is it alright?”
I moved to the space there at the doorway again and listened and watched what I could through that crack and nothing beyond came. “It’s safe. I’ll be up a bit longer. I’ll watch.”
Andrew asked, “Can’t sleep?”
“I’ll sleep in a bit. Don’t worry about me. Rest. Sleep good and we can put more behind us.
They sat up, legs crossed triangle-wise, and Gemma spoke again, “Why do you have such a hard time sleeping? It seems I’m asleep after you and only awake after you too.”
“Yeah,” said Andrew.
“It’s cool at night. I can listen to the wind.” I shrugged.
“You should be the one that tries to get some sleep,” said Andrew.
I said nothing.
They reached out their arms and I shook my head.
“Here,” Gemma said, “Move your bedroll closer.” She reached across the dirt floor of the cellar and dragged my splayed roll so that it sat beside hers.
“I’ll sleep later.” I turned my attention back to the door and ignored them till their sounds of sleep could be heard. The Alukah was nowhere and did not tap on the door that night and when I moved to sleep, I shimmied onto the roll beside them, facing away on my shoulder; the dog followed, laid on the bare dirt beside me and I held the mutt.
Though I refused a noise as they stirred in the absolute darkness, I felt Gemma’s arm fall over my own shoulder and felt Andrew’s hand touch my back, and water traced the bridge of my nose and I slept deeply thereafter.
There was no breakfast without food, and the water was gone; I felt the eyes of the dog on us as we packed up our belongings that next morning and I tried not to imagine the poor animal skinned over fire. I smiled at Trouble, patted its head, scratched its chin; she sniffed my hand like she was looking for something that wouldn’t be found.
We went west again, ignoring roads and pushed through straight wasteland where nothing was and no one was, and with every dry footfall on the dry hard ground, I wished for rain, and I wished that when it had rained, as infrequent as it was, that I had been wise enough to save what we could from the sky; that sky was red and swollen and refused to burst. We pushed on through strange dead thickets where grayed and twisty yellow branches lurched from the ground into the sky like even they too wished for an end to all the suffering. It was days more till we would see Alexandria and though I could stave off hunger (thirst too, if necessary), I was not so certain that the children would be able to push on without it; they did not complain and watched the ground in our march and maintained higher spirits than I could’ve imagined from them.
Early in the day, they spoke often, and I listened and as they wore on, their words came less and even the dog seemed in a lower mood for the unsaid predicament; me too.
Gemma broke the silence on the matter by saying, “What are we going to do about food? Water?”
“We’ll push on.”
“We could turn back?” asked Andrew.
“The more time we spend out in the open, outside of a city, the more likely it is that the Alukah will catch us unawares. Tighten your belts.” Our feet took us around a dilapidated truck, an old thing with a rusty hook which dangled off a rear arm. “Save your urine.”
They made faces but did not protest.
“Does that work? You ever drink pee?” asked Andrew.
I laughed, “I thought we’d be there by now. I took us too long by trying to drop the scent of the Alukah. That thing’s hunted us for days—last night was the first time it ain’t bothered us. It’s got me wondering why.”
Gemma piped up, licking her dry lips before speaking, “Do you think that monster ran into those scavengers we saw?” Then I caught her shooting a look at Andrew, “At least we warned them.” Her smile was faint and almost indiscernible as one.
I shrugged. “Can’t say. Don’t think it’s smart to turn back. Won’t be long and we’ll touch the 40 and then it’ll be a straight on to Babylon—couple of days—can’t turn back though. Maybe without food; that’s doable. Water’s the worst, but if it comes to it,” I paused and looked on the weathered faces of the children, on the lowered head of Trouble which followed her nose across the ground (it searched just short of frantic), “Like I said, ‘save your urine’.”
The first pains of hunger held within me brought up some reminiscence and I wished for nothing more than to hold Suzanne; I could nearly smell them and in the swaying walk which took us on past toppled townships, I held long blinks where I could nearly make out their face and if I really pushed the limits of my imagination, I could feel them. In those moments, as we passed dead places, rotted pits of despair, I could think of little more than their presence. Though I knew it was a dangerous game, hoping for more than I was worth, I hoped for Suzanne then and I wished that I’d taken them up on their offer to travel to Alexandria with them; it could’ve been home—it never was in all the times I’d gone there, but who knows? The thoughts of Babylon brought forth their gardens; the wild gardens and the water which flowed freely through their pipes. I wished I was a different person entirely and that too would’ve been better for Suzanne; how it was that they’d seen anything in me, I don’t know. How it was that they could stoop to the level of being with someone like me—I warded off that thought, because to place the blame there would certainly be unfair. I thought of my love plainly and wanted a different life more suited to them.
Imaginations played more furiously, and I remembered the evening when Dave stopped me from leaping from that roof—it’s doubtful that he even realized that he’d slowed my demise; perhaps he did know—I wished then that I could ask him. Too kind for the world. People too kind for the world were scarce and hardly worth the trouble. Yet, there I was, chaperoning those two across the wastes.
Gemma was a broken person when I’d found her, tortured in Baphomet’s well; Andrew was a dullard boy who’d lost his hand. What a silly predicament.
I stopped in my movements and swiveled on my heel to catch Andrew by the shoulder. “You still got your hand, don’t you?”
In good humor, the boy grinned, lifted the nub on the end of his left forearm to show me, “Nope.”
“Dammit, no! The hand in the jar!”
Andrew raised his eyebrows. “In my pack.”
“Stop,” I commanded Trouble; the dog hardly recognized my words and continued a way then circled back, sad eyes looking up from where she took to sit by my side. Gemma, both arms dangling loosely from her own pack’s shoulder straps, took into the circle we’d formed.
The girl asked, “What about the jar? It’s nasty, but I guess it’s his.”
“I think that’s it,” I said. I took Andrew by his shoulders, looked him in his eyes, “We could use it!”
“What?” The boy almost laughed in the display of our concern. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“I think I’ve got it! It’s good for a trap.” I shook him; maybe too hard. I almost smiled. “It’s worth a shot!”
“It’s mine.” He bit his top lip, withdrew from me.
“You’ll feel differently about that,” I said.
Gemma placed a hand on Andrew’s pack and tried ripping it open. “Give it to him!” shouted the girl.
The boy whipped from her grasp, and he spun on his feet, and panic stood on his face. “It’s mine, isn’t it?”
I took a step forward, “No, not anymore.” I put out my palm, “Give it.”
Andrew nearly flinched at the thought of it and shook his head a little. “Why?”
“I told you why,” I said.
“You don’t even know if it’ll work, do you?” his words were long in protest.
The girl started again, “Andrew, please.”
He locked eyes with Gemma and once again, his bottom teeth came up to meet over his top lip and he moved his jaw methodically with contemplation.
“What does it even matter?” she asked.
“It’s mine. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“C’mon,” he said, but his pack straps fell from his shoulders, and he hunkered down on the ground and opened his bag; his right hand plunged into the recesses therein and withdrew the jar with his severed left hand. He held the object up, refusing to come up from his open pack, keeping his eyes on the ground. “Take it then.” He shook the jar; its contents sloshed with liquid decay.
I grabbed the thing, held it to skylight; the remains within had congealed and rotted and lumps nearly floated in the brownish liquid which had formed in the base of the container. I shook it and stared for a moment at the miniscule debris which floated alongside the hand; each of its digits had swollen and erupted to expose bone; some had come away in pieces. “Tomorrow,” I said and nodded.
We gathered ourselves and Andrew pulled his pack on again and we moved, Trouble still looked sorry and the boy remained quiet while the girl chattered on with questions while we took through the dying ground in a formation with the dog on point then me then the children.
“What will you do with it?” she asked me.
“Not sure yet.”
Andrew made a noise like he wanted to say something but didn’t.
“You think it will work?” asked Gemma.
“Nothing’s a guarantee. They’re smart—Alukah.”
“Smart enough to figure out a trap?”
I shrugged. “We’ll find out.”
“We could put stakes in a pit.”
“Keep on the lookout for a building. Something with multiple floors.”
With that, we moved on, found a worn, mostly destroyed road and we fell into a travelling quiet and the thought of hunger or thirst arose again, and I pushed it down—though I knew the uneasiness could only last so long before savagery would overtake the human condition; the kids seemed strong enough, but I kept an eye on the dog too. Savagery belonged not only to humans, after all.
The ground of the wastes was harder when it was quiet, and it was flatter further west. The sky—red and full of thin and transparent drifting clouds—seemed an awful sight when stared at for too long; it was the thing which stretched as if to signal there wasn’t an end in any direction, as if to declare we had much more to go till safety. Wanderlust is a thing that I believe I’ve felt before, but under that sky, with those two and the dog, I didn’t feel it at all. It was doom that I felt. Ignorance and doom. And it was all because I was certain I’d made all the wrong mistakes, and it was coming back to me. I was experienced. We should’ve had food and water. Perhaps there was some deep and nasty part inside of me that had intended to sacrifice them along the way. The words of the Alukah might have rung true: You say you make no deals, but I smell it. I think you’d deal.
Surely, I felt differently. Surely.
“Getting darker,” called Andrew as we came to where signposts—worn and bent and barely legible—told us of a place once called Annapolis and the buildings were nearly gone entirely; places, maybe places that were once homes, were leveled—I was briefly caught in imagining what it might’ve been like all those ages ago. As are most places, it was haunted like that and when we came to a long rectangular structure of metal walls—thin walls—we took it as a place for rest for the night.
It once served as an agricultural station, for when we breached its entry, there were a line of dead machines—three in all—cultivators or tillers which stood higher than any of our heads and Gemma asked what they were, and I told her I thought they were for farming. The great rusted bodies stood in quiet shadow as we came through a side passage of the building and the great doors which had once been used to release those machines from the building stood frozen in their frame. I approached the doors, lighting my lantern and motioning for the children to shut the door we’d entered through.
Upon closer inspection, it seemed the doors would roll into the ceiling and the chains which held the doors in place were each secured with rusted padlocks—I removed my prybar from my pack and moved along the wall of doors, giving each old lock a smack with the weapon; each one held in place, seemingly fused there through years of corrosion, and I rounded the cultivators once more, back to the children, near the side door where they’d discovered a rickety stair frame which crawled up the side of the wall to a catwalk; along the catwalk, a levitated box stood at the height of the structure, stilted by metal legs, and we took the stairs slowly with the dog following close behind; the poor mutt was mute save the sound of its own shuffling paws.
The metal stairs creaked under our weight and Gemma held her own lantern high over her head so that the strange shadows of the place grew longer, stranger, and suddenly I felt very sure that something was in the dark with us, but there was no noise except what we made. My eyes scanned the darkness, and I followed the children up the stairs till we met the overhang of the catwalk and I peered into the shadows, the blades of the cultivators—far extended on foldable arms—struck up through the pool of blackness beneath us and I felt so cold there and if it were not for the breath of my fellow travelers, I might have been lost in the dark for longer than intended—lost and frozen and contemplative.
“There’s a room,” said the boy, and he pushed ahead on the hanging passage, and he was the first to the door. “Boxes,” he said plainly.
Upon coming to the place where he stood, Gemma pushed her lantern over the threshold, and I saw what he’d meant as I traced my own lantern to help; the room was crammed with plastic totes and old metal containers of varied sizes. There seemed to be enough empty space to maneuver through the room, but only if one watched their feet while they walked. Carefully.
We moved to the room, and I found a stack of crates to place my lantern then motioned for Gemma to douse hers. In minutes, the place was rearranged so that we could sit comfortably on the floor; crates lined the walls precariously and we breathed heavy from the work done, but we began to unpack and upon watching the children while I rolled a cigarette, I felt a pang of guilt, a terrible summation—all choices in my life had led me here and with them and perhaps it would have been a better world for them without me.
Mentally shrugging this thought away, I lit my cigarette, inhaled deeply, and then withdrew the jar which Andrew had handed over. I held it to the lantern to examine it. The grotesqueness of it hardly phased me and I watched it more curious and hopeful than disgusted.
“I hope it’ll work,” said the boy, “Whatever it is that you plan on doing with it.” He grimaced and maintained a further silence in patting his bedding for fluff. The dog moved to him, and she pushed her forehead against him where he squatted on floor. The boy scratched Trouble’s chin and whispered, “Good girl,” into the top of her head where he’d pushed his own face.
“I’m hungry,” said Gemma; she placed her chin in her arm while watching Andrew with the dog. She sat on her own flat bed there on the floor and stated plainly the thing that I’d hoped to ignore for longer.
“I know.” I took another drag from the cigarette and let the smoke hang over my head. “The dog?”
Andrew recoiled, pulling Trouble closer into his arms.
I smiled. “It was a joke.”
Andrew relaxed, but only a moment before Gemma added, “Maybe.”
The boy narrowed his eyes in the girl’s direction, and she shrugged. “If it’s life or death.”
He didn’t say anything and merely continued stroking Trouble’s coat.
That night, we slept awfully and even in the complete darkness, I felt the cramp of the storage room and the angled shapes of the tools that protruded from the containers on all sides remained permanent well after we’d turned the light off and it felt like those shapes were the teeth of a great creature like we were sitting inside of its mouth, looking out.
Trouble positioned herself partially on my chest, her slow rhythmic breathing brought my thoughts calm and I whispered to her in the dark after I was sure the others were asleep, “I promise it was a joke.” And I brushed the back of her neck with my hand and the animal let go of a long sigh then continued that deep rhythmic breathing.
Still without food or water, the following day was the true indication of the misery to come. Gemma’s stomach growled audibly in waking and Andrew—though he kept his complaints to himself—smacked his lips more often or protruded the tongue in his mouth in a starvation for water. The room, in the daylight which peered through pinpricks of its half-decayed roof, seemed another beast altogether from its nighttime counterpart; it was not so frightening. Again, I admonished myself for the lack of preparation, but there was another thought that brought together a more cohesive feeling; we had a possible plan, a trap for the demon that’d been following us.
We went into the field to the west of the building where there was only dirt beneath our feet in the early sunlight and in the coolness of morning air, I nearly felt like a person. The sun crested the horizon and brought with it a warmth that would quickly become overwhelming—in those few minutes though—it felt good enough. I wished for the shy dew and saw none. The weirdness of holding Andrew’s rotting hand in a jar momentarily caught me and I almost laughed, but refrained and the dog and the children looked on while I held the container up and suddenly, seeing the congealed mass of tissue floating in its own excretions, I was overcome with the urge to run, the urge that nothing would ever be right again in my life, and that I was marked to be that way.
I blinked and tossed the jar to Andrew. “Say goodbye,” I said. He fumbled after it with his right hand and caught it to his chest.
“It’s strange you care so much anyway,” said Gemma, shrugging—her eyes forgave a millisecond of pity and when Andrew looked at her, still holding the jar in his right hand, she smiled and stuffed her hands into the pockets of her pants.
“We’ve enough oil, I think,” my voice was raspy from it being early, “Enough for good fire, but if we use it, it’ll mean a few more dark nights on our way.”
“We’re going to set it on fire?” Andrew pondered, keeping his eyes to the contents of the jar. “It worked good enough last time. It’ll work,” I nodded, “I has to, doesn’t it?”
His dry lips creased into a brief smile, and he tossed the jar back to me and I caught it.
“Let’s dig,” I said.
Without much in the way of proper tools, we began at the ground under us with our hands, then taking turns with my prybar till there was a hole in the ground comfortably large enough to conceal a human head and I uncapped the jar and spilled it contents there and we covered it back and I lightly tamped it with my boot. My eyes scanned the outbuilding we’d taken refuge in the night prior and then to the street to the north then to the houses which stood as merely rotted plots of foundation with frames that struck from the ground more as markers than support. “I’ll take up over there across the street when it gets dark. I want you two in that storage room before anything goes off.”
“We can’t help?” asked Gemma.
“You can help by staying out of the way—the mutt too,” I said; the words were harsh, but my feelings were from worry.
“Wouldn’t it be better if we stuck together?” asked the girl.
I shook my head. “You stay in the room and keep quiet. No matter what you hear, you stay quiet and safe.”
“That’ll put you at a bigger risk,” Gemma furrowed her brow at me and shifted around to look out on the houses across the street, “There’s hardly any cover over there.”
The boy nodded, smacked his lips, and rubbed his forearm across his mouth then audibly agreed with her.
“Doesn’t matter,” I said, “No matter what you hear happening outside, no matter, you don’t open the door and you don’t scream—don’t make a noise at all. Alright? Even if you hear me calling you, you don’t do it.”
“Pfft,” Gemma crossed her arms and kicked her foot against the ground. The way her eyes seemed hollowed with bruising showed that the irritation would only grow without food. “Alright,” she finally sighed.
Andrew looked much the same as she did in that; he swallowed a dry swallow then stuffed his hand into his pocket and looked away when our eyes matched.
We gathered our light oil. Altogether, it seemed enough; rummaging through the room of the outbuilding we’d earlier taken refuge within, we managed three intact glass containers—the only ones found that wouldn’t leak with liquid; two were bottles and the third was the jar that’d once kept Andrew’s hand. With that work done, we sat with three Molotov cocktails within our huddled circle of the storage room.
“Is it enough?” asked Gemma.
“We’ll see,” I began rolling a cigarette to ignore the hunger and the thirst.
Andrew took to the corner and glanced over his shoulder only a moment before a steady liquid stream could be heard and when he rotated from the wall once the noise was finished and he held a canteen up to his nose, sniffed it and quivered and shook his head.
As the sun pushed on, I scanned the perimeter outside, and they followed. Far south I spied a mass of shadow inching across the horizon and Gemma commented, “What’s that?”
I pushed the binoculars to her and let her gaze through them.
“A fiend—that’s what we called it back in the day anyway. A mutant.”
She held the binoculars up and frowned. “A mutant? So, it was once human?”
“A fiend was once many humans.” I pointed out to the horizon though she couldn’t see me doing so and continued, “If you look at the edges of its shape, you’ll see it’s got limbs galore on it. Sticking up like hairs is what it’ll look like at this distance. Those are arms and legs. It’s got faces too. Many faces.” I shuddered.
“I can barely see any details,” she passed the binoculars to Andrew, and he looked through them, “What’s it do?”
“What?” I asked.
“What’s it do if it catches a person?”
“It pulls people into it. Makes you apart of its mass. Nasty fuckers.”
Andrew removed the lenses from his eyes and held them to his chest and asked, “It won’t mess up your trap, will it?”
“We’ll keep an eye on it,” I said, “You don’t want to mess with a fiend unless you have to.”
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The travel took on a less gloomy quality in the day that passed since Gemma’s self-reflection and although there remained a queer distance in her eyes, she seemed in better spirits in losing the weight of the words.
It was a night just beyond Wabash Crevasse that we pushed on till sunset was almost upon us and we were each tired and the food stocks ran low and so we found harbor in a half collapsed cellar where a home once stood; it was only after examining the slatted, rotted boards of the old place, fallen over, tired with decay, that we spied the cellar doors intact; sheets of door metal plied us with safety from the outside world and the interior of the place stank of mold and the deeper recesses were collapsed, but there was a cradle to crossbar the stair hatch and I put my prybar there for the night. We finished the water and canned tomatoes, and I smoked a cigarette, staving off the inevitable doom which would come with the dwindling of our supplies.
I’d peeked through the space where the doors met at the cellar’s entry and watched the full darkness there while the youngins spoke of life and the trivial pursuits of it and I hardly said a word besides.
Sitting on the lowest step with Trouble dumbly maintaining her station by me, by the low glow of the space in the threshold, I saw they’d pushed their bedrolls together and Andrew had fallen asleep with his arm over Gemma’s shoulder and her eyes glowed with shine from the crack, blinked a few times while seeing me; she too eventually drifted to sleep, and I spent time by the secured door.
Gunshots rang across the stillness, and they stirred from their quiet slumber and Gemma asked, “Harlan, is it alright?”
I moved to the space there at the doorway again and listened and watched what I could through that crack and nothing beyond came. “It’s safe. I’ll be up a bit longer. I’ll watch.”
Andrew asked, “Can’t sleep?”
“I’ll sleep in a bit. Don’t worry about me. Rest. Sleep good and we can put more behind us.
They sat up, legs crossed triangle-wise, and Gemma spoke again, “Why do you have such a hard time sleeping? It seems I’m asleep after you and only awake after you too.”
“Yeah,” said Andrew.
“It’s cool at night. I can listen to the wind.” I shrugged.
“You should be the one that tries to get some sleep,” said Andrew.
I said nothing.
They reached out their arms and I shook my head.
“Here,” Gemma said, “Move your bedroll closer.” She reached across the dirt floor of the cellar and dragged my splayed roll so that it sat beside hers.
“I’ll sleep later.” I turned my attention back to the door and ignored them till their sounds of sleep could be heard. The Alukah was nowhere and did not tap on the door that night and when I moved to sleep, I shimmied onto the roll beside them, facing away on my shoulder; the dog followed, laid on the bare dirt beside me and I held the mutt.
Though I refused a noise as they stirred in the absolute darkness, I felt Gemma’s arm fall over my own shoulder and felt Andrew’s hand touch my back, and water traced the bridge of my nose and I slept deeply thereafter.
There was no breakfast without food, and the water was gone; I felt the eyes of the dog on us as we packed up our belongings that next morning and I tried not to imagine the poor animal skinned over fire. I smiled at Trouble, patted its head, scratched its chin; she sniffed my hand like she was looking for something that wouldn’t be found.
We went west again, ignoring roads and pushed through straight wasteland where nothing was and no one was, and with every dry footfall on the dry hard ground, I wished for rain, and I wished that when it had rained, as infrequent as it was, that I had been wise enough to save what we could from the sky; that sky was red and swollen and refused to burst. We pushed on through strange dead thickets where grayed and twisty yellow branches lurched from the ground into the sky like even they too wished for an end to all the suffering. It was days more till we would see Alexandria and though I could stave off hunger (thirst too, if necessary), I was not so certain that the children would be able to push on without it; they did not complain and watched the ground in our march and maintained higher spirits than I could’ve imagined from them.
Early in the day, they spoke often, and I listened and as they wore on, their words came less and even the dog seemed in a lower mood for the unsaid predicament; me too.
Gemma broke the silence on the matter by saying, “What are we going to do about food? Water?”
“We’ll push on.”
“We could turn back?” asked Andrew.
“The more time we spend out in the open, outside of a city, the more likely it is that the Alukah will catch us unawares. Tighten your belts.” Our feet took us around a dilapidated truck, an old thing with a rusty hook which dangled off a rear arm. “Save your urine.”
They made faces but did not protest.
“Does that work? You ever drink pee?” asked Andrew.
I laughed, “I thought we’d be there by now. I took us too long by trying to drop the scent of the Alukah. That thing’s hunted us for days—last night was the first time it ain’t bothered us. It’s got me wondering why.”
Gemma piped up, licking her dry lips before speaking, “Do you think that monster ran into those scavengers we saw?” Then I caught her shooting a look at Andrew, “At least we warned them.” Her smile was faint and almost indiscernible as one.
I shrugged. “Can’t say. Don’t think it’s smart to turn back. Won’t be long and we’ll touch the 40 and then it’ll be a straight on to Babylon—couple of days—can’t turn back though. Maybe without food; that’s doable. Water’s the worst, but if it comes to it,” I paused and looked on the weathered faces of the children, on the lowered head of Trouble which followed her nose across the ground (it searched just short of frantic), “Like I said, ‘save your urine’.”
The first pains of hunger held within me brought up some reminiscence and I wished for nothing more than to hold Suzanne; I could nearly smell them and in the swaying walk which took us on past toppled townships, I held long blinks where I could nearly make out their face and if I really pushed the limits of my imagination, I could feel them. In those moments, as we passed dead places, rotted pits of despair, I could think of little more than their presence. Though I knew it was a dangerous game, hoping for more than I was worth, I hoped for Suzanne then and I wished that I’d taken them up on their offer to travel to Alexandria with them; it could’ve been home—it never was in all the times I’d gone there, but who knows? The thoughts of Babylon brought forth their gardens; the wild gardens and the water which flowed freely through their pipes. I wished I was a different person entirely and that too would’ve been better for Suzanne; how it was that they’d seen anything in me, I don’t know. How it was that they could stoop to the level of being with someone like me—I warded off that thought, because to place the blame there would certainly be unfair. I thought of my love plainly and wanted a different life more suited to them.
Imaginations played more furiously, and I remembered the evening when Dave stopped me from leaping from that roof—it’s doubtful that he even realized that he’d slowed my demise; perhaps he did know—I wished then that I could ask him. Too kind for the world. People too kind for the world were scarce and hardly worth the trouble. Yet, there I was, chaperoning those two across the wastes.
Gemma was a broken person when I’d found her, tortured in Baphomet’s well; Andrew was a dullard boy who’d lost his hand. What a silly predicament.
I stopped in my movements and swiveled on my heel to catch Andrew by the shoulder. “You still got your hand, don’t you?”
In good humor, the boy grinned, lifted the nub on the end of his left forearm to show me, “Nope.”
“Dammit, no! The hand in the jar!”
Andrew raised his eyebrows. “In my pack.”
“Stop,” I commanded Trouble; the dog hardly recognized my words and continued a way then circled back, sad eyes looking up from where she took to sit by my side. Gemma, both arms dangling loosely from her own pack’s shoulder straps, took into the circle we’d formed.
The girl asked, “What about the jar? It’s nasty, but I guess it’s his.”
“I think that’s it,” I said. I took Andrew by his shoulders, looked him in his eyes, “We could use it!”
“What?” The boy almost laughed in the display of our concern. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“I think I’ve got it! It’s good for a trap.” I shook him; maybe too hard. I almost smiled. “It’s worth a shot!”
“It’s mine.” He bit his top lip, withdrew from me.
“You’ll feel differently about that,” I said.
Gemma placed a hand on Andrew’s pack and tried ripping it open. “Give it to him!” shouted the girl.
The boy whipped from her grasp, and he spun on his feet, and panic stood on his face. “It’s mine, isn’t it?”
I took a step forward, “No, not anymore.” I put out my palm, “Give it.”
Andrew nearly flinched at the thought of it and shook his head a little. “Why?”
“I told you why,” I said.
“You don’t even know if it’ll work, do you?” his words were long in protest.
The girl started again, “Andrew, please.”
He locked eyes with Gemma and once again, his bottom teeth came up to meet over his top lip and he moved his jaw methodically with contemplation.
“What does it even matter?” she asked.
“It’s mine. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“C’mon,” he said, but his pack straps fell from his shoulders, and he hunkered down on the ground and opened his bag; his right hand plunged into the recesses therein and withdrew the jar with his severed left hand. He held the object up, refusing to come up from his open pack, keeping his eyes on the ground. “Take it then.” He shook the jar; its contents sloshed with liquid decay.
I grabbed the thing, held it to skylight; the remains within had congealed and rotted and lumps nearly floated in the brownish liquid which had formed in the base of the container. I shook it and stared for a moment at the miniscule debris which floated alongside the hand; each of its digits had swollen and erupted to expose bone; some had come away in pieces. “Tomorrow,” I said and nodded.
We gathered ourselves and Andrew pulled his pack on again and we moved, Trouble still looked sorry and the boy remained quiet while the girl chattered on with questions while we took through the dying ground in a formation with the dog on point then me then the children.
“What will you do with it?” she asked me.
“Not sure yet.”
Andrew made a noise like he wanted to say something but didn’t.
“You think it will work?” asked Gemma.
“Nothing’s a guarantee. They’re smart—Alukah.”
“Smart enough to figure out a trap?”
I shrugged. “We’ll find out.”
“We could put stakes in a pit.”
“Keep on the lookout for a building. Something with multiple floors.”
With that, we moved on, found a worn, mostly destroyed road and we fell into a travelling quiet and the thought of hunger or thirst arose again, and I pushed it down—though I knew the uneasiness could only last so long before savagery would overtake the human condition; the kids seemed strong enough, but I kept an eye on the dog too. Savagery belonged not only to humans, after all.
The ground of the wastes was harder when it was quiet, and it was flatter further west. The sky—red and full of thin and transparent drifting clouds—seemed an awful sight when stared at for too long; it was the thing which stretched as if to signal there wasn’t an end in any direction, as if to declare we had much more to go till safety. Wanderlust is a thing that I believe I’ve felt before, but under that sky, with those two and the dog, I didn’t feel it at all. It was doom that I felt. Ignorance and doom. And it was all because I was certain I’d made all the wrong mistakes, and it was coming back to me. I was experienced. We should’ve had food and water. Perhaps there was some deep and nasty part inside of me that had intended to sacrifice them along the way. The words of the Alukah might have rung true: You say you make no deals, but I smell it. I think you’d deal.
Surely, I felt differently. Surely.
“Getting darker,” called Andrew as we came to where signposts—worn and bent and barely legible—told us of a place once called Annapolis and the buildings were nearly gone entirely; places, maybe places that were once homes, were leveled—I was briefly caught in imagining what it might’ve been like all those ages ago. As are most places, it was haunted like that and when we came to a long rectangular structure of metal walls—thin walls—we took it as a place for rest for the night.
It once served as an agricultural station, for when we breached its entry, there were a line of dead machines—three in all—cultivators or tillers which stood higher than any of our heads and Gemma asked what they were, and I told her I thought they were for farming. The great rusted bodies stood in quiet shadow as we came through a side passage of the building and the great doors which had once been used to release those machines from the building stood frozen in their frame. I approached the doors, lighting my lantern and motioning for the children to shut the door we’d entered through.
Upon closer inspection, it seemed the doors would roll into the ceiling and the chains which held the doors in place were each secured with rusted padlocks—I removed my prybar from my pack and moved along the wall of doors, giving each old lock a smack with the weapon; each one held in place, seemingly fused there through years of corrosion, and I rounded the cultivators once more, back to the children, near the side door where they’d discovered a rickety stair frame which crawled up the side of the wall to a catwalk; along the catwalk, a levitated box stood at the height of the structure, stilted by metal legs, and we took the stairs slowly with the dog following close behind; the poor mutt was mute save the sound of its own shuffling paws.
The metal stairs creaked under our weight and Gemma held her own lantern high over her head so that the strange shadows of the place grew longer, stranger, and suddenly I felt very sure that something was in the dark with us, but there was no noise except what we made. My eyes scanned the darkness, and I followed the children up the stairs till we met the overhang of the catwalk and I peered into the shadows, the blades of the cultivators—far extended on foldable arms—struck up through the pool of blackness beneath us and I felt so cold there and if it were not for the breath of my fellow travelers, I might have been lost in the dark for longer than intended—lost and frozen and contemplative.
“There’s a room,” said the boy, and he pushed ahead on the hanging passage, and he was the first to the door. “Boxes,” he said plainly.
Upon coming to the place where he stood, Gemma pushed her lantern over the threshold, and I saw what he’d meant as I traced my own lantern to help; the room was crammed with plastic totes and old metal containers of varied sizes. There seemed to be enough empty space to maneuver through the room, but only if one watched their feet while they walked. Carefully.
We moved to the room, and I found a stack of crates to place my lantern then motioned for Gemma to douse hers. In minutes, the place was rearranged so that we could sit comfortably on the floor; crates lined the walls precariously and we breathed heavy from the work done, but we began to unpack and upon watching the children while I rolled a cigarette, I felt a pang of guilt, a terrible summation—all choices in my life had led me here and with them and perhaps it would have been a better world for them without me.
Mentally shrugging this thought away, I lit my cigarette, inhaled deeply, and then withdrew the jar which Andrew had handed over. I held it to the lantern to examine it. The grotesqueness of it hardly phased me and I watched it more curious and hopeful than disgusted.
“I hope it’ll work,” said the boy, “Whatever it is that you plan on doing with it.” He grimaced and maintained a further silence in patting his bedding for fluff. The dog moved to him, and she pushed her forehead against him where he squatted on floor. The boy scratched Trouble’s chin and whispered, “Good girl,” into the top of her head where he’d pushed his own face.
“I’m hungry,” said Gemma; she placed her chin in her arm while watching Andrew with the dog. She sat on her own flat bed there on the floor and stated plainly the thing that I’d hoped to ignore for longer.
“I know.” I took another drag from the cigarette and let the smoke hang over my head. “The dog?”
Andrew recoiled, pulling Trouble closer into his arms.
I smiled. “It was a joke.”
Andrew relaxed, but only a moment before Gemma added, “Maybe.”
The boy narrowed his eyes in the girl’s direction, and she shrugged. “If it’s life or death.”
He didn’t say anything and merely continued stroking Trouble’s coat.
That night, we slept awfully and even in the complete darkness, I felt the cramp of the storage room and the angled shapes of the tools that protruded from the containers on all sides remained permanent well after we’d turned the light off and it felt like those shapes were the teeth of a great creature like we were sitting inside of its mouth, looking out.
Trouble positioned herself partially on my chest, her slow rhythmic breathing brought my thoughts calm and I whispered to her in the dark after I was sure the others were asleep, “I promise it was a joke.” And I brushed the back of her neck with my hand and the animal let go of a long sigh then continued that deep rhythmic breathing.
Still without food or water, the following day was the true indication of the misery to come. Gemma’s stomach growled audibly in waking and Andrew—though he kept his complaints to himself—smacked his lips more often or protruded the tongue in his mouth in a starvation for water. The room, in the daylight which peered through pinpricks of its half-decayed roof, seemed another beast altogether from its nighttime counterpart; it was not so frightening. Again, I admonished myself for the lack of preparation, but there was another thought that brought together a more cohesive feeling; we had a possible plan, a trap for the demon that’d been following us.
We went into the field to the west of the building where there was only dirt beneath our feet in the early sunlight and in the coolness of morning air, I nearly felt like a person. The sun crested the horizon and brought with it a warmth that would quickly become overwhelming—in those few minutes though—it felt good enough. I wished for the shy dew and saw none. The weirdness of holding Andrew’s rotting hand in a jar momentarily caught me and I almost laughed, but refrained and the dog and the children looked on while I held the container up and suddenly, seeing the congealed mass of tissue floating in its own excretions, I was overcome with the urge to run, the urge that nothing would ever be right again in my life, and that I was marked to be that way.
I blinked and tossed the jar to Andrew. “Say goodbye,” I said. He fumbled after it with his right hand and caught it to his chest.
“It’s strange you care so much anyway,” said Gemma, shrugging—her eyes forgave a millisecond of pity and when Andrew looked at her, still holding the jar in his right hand, she smiled and stuffed her hands into the pockets of her pants.
“We’ve enough oil, I think,” my voice was raspy from it being early, “Enough for good fire, but if we use it, it’ll mean a few more dark nights on our way.”
“We’re going to set it on fire?” Andrew pondered, keeping his eyes to the contents of the jar. “It worked good enough last time. It’ll work,” I nodded, “I has to, doesn’t it?”
His dry lips creased into a brief smile, and he tossed the jar back to me and I caught it.
“Let’s dig,” I said.
Without much in the way of proper tools, we began at the ground under us with our hands, then taking turns with my prybar till there was a hole in the ground comfortably large enough to conceal a human head and I uncapped the jar and spilled it contents there and we covered it back and I lightly tamped it with my boot. My eyes scanned the outbuilding we’d taken refuge in the night prior and then to the street to the north then to the houses which stood as merely rotted plots of foundation with frames that struck from the ground more as markers than support. “I’ll take up over there across the street when it gets dark. I want you two in that storage room before anything goes off.”
“We can’t help?” asked Gemma.
“You can help by staying out of the way—the mutt too,” I said; the words were harsh, but my feelings were from worry.
“Wouldn’t it be better if we stuck together?” asked the girl.
I shook my head. “You stay in the room and keep quiet. No matter what you hear, you stay quiet and safe.”
“That’ll put you at a bigger risk,” Gemma furrowed her brow at me and shifted around to look out on the houses across the street, “There’s hardly any cover over there.”
The boy nodded, smacked his lips, and rubbed his forearm across his mouth then audibly agreed with her.
“Doesn’t matter,” I said, “No matter what you hear happening outside, no matter, you don’t open the door and you don’t scream—don’t make a noise at all. Alright? Even if you hear me calling you, you don’t do it.”
“Pfft,” Gemma crossed her arms and kicked her foot against the ground. The way her eyes seemed hollowed with bruising showed that the irritation would only grow without food. “Alright,” she finally sighed.
Andrew looked much the same as she did in that; he swallowed a dry swallow then stuffed his hand into his pocket and looked away when our eyes matched.
We gathered our light oil. Altogether, it seemed enough; rummaging through the room of the outbuilding we’d earlier taken refuge within, we managed three intact glass containers—the only ones found that wouldn’t leak with liquid; two were bottles and the third was the jar that’d once kept Andrew’s hand. With that work done, we sat with three Molotov cocktails within our huddled circle of the storage room.
“Is it enough?” asked Gemma.
“We’ll see,” I began rolling a cigarette to ignore the hunger and the thirst.
Andrew took to the corner and glanced over his shoulder only a moment before a steady liquid stream could be heard and when he rotated from the wall once the noise was finished and he held a canteen up to his nose, sniffed it and quivered and shook his head.
As the sun pushed on, I scanned the perimeter outside, and they followed. Far south I spied a mass of shadow inching across the horizon and Gemma commented, “What’s that?”
I pushed the binoculars to her and let her gaze through them.
“A fiend—that’s what we called it back in the day anyway. A mutant.”
She held the binoculars up and frowned. “A mutant? So, it was once human?”
“A fiend was once many humans.” I pointed out to the horizon though she couldn’t see me doing so and continued, “If you look at the edges of its shape, you’ll see it’s got limbs galore on it. Sticking up like hairs is what it’ll look like at this distance. Those are arms and legs. It’s got faces too. Many faces.” I shuddered.
“I can barely see any details,” she passed the binoculars to Andrew, and he looked through them, “What’s it do?”
“What?” I asked.
“What’s it do if it catches a person?”
“It pulls people into it. Makes you apart of its mass. Nasty fuckers.”
Andrew removed the lenses from his eyes and held them to his chest and asked, “It won’t mess up your trap, will it?”
“We’ll keep an eye on it,” I said, “You don’t want to mess with a fiend unless you have to.”
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