I’ve been trying to learn Masri for my Egyptian girlfriend and so far have only been able to find a YouTube channel called LinguaMid and I have been using the free trial of mango languages Masri course. I’m also planning on getting my girlriend to tell me a word a day for me to learn it to teach me phrases. However I want to utilise as many courses as I can and was curious if any knew any free courses (preferably apps) that I can use as Masri courses at every difficult to find.

I’m 43 and I’m way past the age of getting my shit together. I still smoke cigarettes, drink mnt dew, don’t excerise, don’t eat right, don’t meal prep, I buy lunch at work instead of bringing something, I spend to much money on stupid crap on Amazon, I don’t have any hobbies besides video games, I watch you tube mostly in my free time, don’t have a girlfriend, live with my parents again for the past two years, don’t pay rent like a scum bag, I don’t help with groceries, and I still spend time on porn hub.
How the fuck do I stop being such a loser and start being someone I’m proud of? Do I need therapy to get better or how do I fix this?

I fell down a YouTube Broadway rabbit hole for the last hour and happened upon this video in which Patti is asked her opinion of the Les Mis movie. Her immediate response is to praise Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. ❤️
https://youtu.be/k4jNYlvuGTo?si=Lv7ZyE4HYxsiLLbk

Me and my friend were just having a heated argument over text about this. I came across a YouTube video explained the rules of a board game where you try to create a cult. I sent it to him and said “The leader of our church would be great at this.” It is a stereotype that the church we go to it a cult and that is largely because it is a non denomination church that is big in the Holy Spirit. I have made similar jokes around him as well as his one girlfriend and he hadn’t really had a reaction but this time he was mad. Both his parents have worked in this church their whole life so I do understand why it would offend him but it is my long time church to. The main reason I sent this was to poke fun at the leader of our church who will now call Beth. I have major criticism of Beth and the leadership. They are very rarely accessible to the average member of our church unless you are in what has been dubbed the “inner circle” with the parent and kids of long time members including her kids and grandkids. Her and her family are very word about who the grandkids date. One of my sister’s best friends dated her grandson and they were very cold to her. She told me that once Mrs Karen pretended to be on the phone in Walmart to avoid speaking to her father. She’s wants her grandson to get with another girl in the “ inner circle” specifically one who lives overseas and whose family works in the overseas branch of our church. They recently sent him in a 2 week trip to see her and and his friends and shocking no one after this trip he said he wanted a break and this was most certainly very orchestrated by the family. They also had very little communication over this time due to the time difference. Also the whole family calls the exes if they grandchildren, “The whores of Babylon” which is very weird. So I am not very fond of Beth. He says that’s the church was her word from God and it’s wrong to even joke that it’s a cult. In the argument he only once tried to tell me why I was in sin joking about the church then very dismissively responded to my questions. Sorry if this is kinda all over the place but am I the a hole?

Honestly I wish I could find my crowd and a girlfriend. I’m 27 years old never kissed a girl or had my first kiss never had sex with a woman. I have little to no friends either. In 2023 or 2022 I forget exactly which year I discovered the red pill / black pill / mgtow / manosphere communities and I used to watch a lot of that content on YouTube. I no longer watch it anymore and I’m sorta in a better place. Except I’m still isolated. I have autism and ADD and I believe ADHD aswell as OCD.

Guess I’m looking for opinions and some sort of closure from them, but here it goes.
Some background, my father got kidney failure pretty quickly and was disabled from it. So, he couldn’t do much work wise but still took care of the house. I (about to be 20 this year) was around 13-14 years old and my younger brothers, 11 and 12 when it started. He would go to dialysis three times a week, help take care of groceries, bills, and of course my siblings and I. It was rough but things were good, we were all okay.
My family had to move to another state for my mom’s job, and to be closer to family when my dad does die. Sadly, many people on dialysis don’t live super long, so we went for it and moved a bit before the end of my junior year in high school.
So new state, new school, and of course, a lot of new people. My dad was the same as usual, and my mom busy as usual with work.
Sadly, my dad then passed away from a stroke that put him brain dead, and was only ‘alive’ with being on life support. Traumatizing to say the least seeing his body twitch a lot in the hospital, tubes connected to his body, and no response at all. My mom stayed by his side the whole time, and doctors continuing to tell us ‘I’m sorry’ as my dad couldn’t be saved. So my mom signed papers to take him off life support and let him die naturally. His official death was three days after the stroke.
We had my dad’s side of the family come over to see him, much anger towards them, but that’s a whole other thing. One of my aunts helped with getting my dads urn and have him cremated. Then my mom decided to look through his phone to see pictures of him and see the videos of when my parents and I went to see a band together as my graduation gift. And she was grossed out a bit to see his dick pics and thought he was being his little perverted self. Of course when I heard her say that, I went upstairs as I had no intention to look at that.
Then my younger brother came up stairs to tell me and my other brother that my dad had been cheating on my mom for years and my mom found out through his messaging apps and the amount of photos and videos he had from his meet ups.
To say my mom was heart broken is an understatement. She was livid, depressed, and confused as to why he would do that to her, as he would constantly show and tell her and others how much he loved my mom and how she is the love of his life. Many things were connecting and some of his behaviors were weird from time to time and started to make some sort of sense to all of us.
Now currently, I still live with my mom and help a lot with taking care of my brothers, they’re now gonna be 18 and 19 now, but still have a lot to learn as I am the only one to know how to drive, besides my mom. I work full time as I decided to stop college and save money for myself and my girlfriend to be able to live by ourselves and be able to afford other things like my own car.
My mom is constantly out for work, some times with her friends or her date, out working out, eating out, and buying quite a bit of things for herself. And I’m stuck with taking care of the house, help clean, drive my siblings to their appointments, school events, and have to constantly cook food or buy it for me and my siblings to eat.
I love my mom and care for her, but sometimes it’s hard to not dislike her a lot of the time. She believes that I’m ungrateful, I’m a hypocrite, and now I can’t be open with my depression and how I am suicidal at times to her. She makes a whole big deal and gets upset about it too. I wish she was a mom to me and my siblings instead of a woman who only brings money for the bills and little bit of groceries for us to use.
Not the best feeling when I can’t have some sort of emotional support from her. Also sucks when she would complain with how my brothers and I don’t hangout with her when she has never much asked and doesn’t really show interest in us.
So that’s really it here, any advice for this kinda thing would be appreciated. And thanks for reading, I’ll answer any questions you all have

My girlfriend’s mom is on a feeding tube but can’t chew very many foods (example chicken is difficult for her ).I’m wondering what is something to get that can go into her feeding tube thats cheap but high in calories.ive looked at rolled oats and they are 12$ for two 64oz packs. We’ve grabbed ensures but there very expensive so I’m just wondering if there is anything we’re not thinking of .

Background: I got Finn from my mom’s girlfriend who cared for her decently, but there was a lot to improve on. She came with a lidless 4x2x2 tank and a decent amount of decor. She had a varied insect diet, but was a salad-hater. Her only UVB was a coil.
Problem 1: she would not eat any greens
My fix: I tried different veggies which didn’t work, but the second I had a good UVB tube in there, she was MUNCHING. It changed her behavior completely. Good UVB is very important (I got the Arcadia T5 12%), and Finn is living proof for real! Also, only get approved ones. I had a “reptiking” one from Amazon, which was very poorly made and didn’t give out the right amount of UVB.
Problem 2: the basking spot would get too hot.
My fix: a lid is apparently a huge help! Adding a lid (after a very disappointing delivery from Chewy that required a replacement) created enough of a barrier to make the temperature perfect.
Problem 3: she was glass surfing excessively
My fix: I covered 3/4 of the glass sides and fixed temps and UVB, and now she will only start if she sees me and wants out. She was seeing her reflection and very stressed. Since fixing this, she has also really lightened up and gotten more friendly!

Hi y'all. I've been dating my girlfriend with BPD for 16 months. I'm also not great and getting in touch with my emotions, but using art has made it easier. Wondering if y'all have any sad/bleak/dark movie or album recommendations that can mirror or intensify those negative emotions. Can be any genre. Can be incredibly artsy or plain. Can be serious the whole way through, can also be comedic/sarcastic. Whatever. There can also be positive resolve, but it can also have a sad/dark ending, I'm down for either.
Examples of movies that have made me feel intensely: Synechdoche New York (and most Charlie Kaufman stuff tbh, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Amour (by Michael Haneke), It's Such a Beautiful Day, Hereditary, The Hunt (Thomas Vinterburg), In the Mood for Love, City of God, Antichrist
Example of albums: Sufjan Stevens - Carrie and Lowell, some Bright Eyes albums, Burial - Untrue, Nina Simone - Ain't Got No I Got Life (this is a live performance of a song, it's on YouTube, only piece of music that has made me cry more than once)

EP. 6 is OUT in Gagaoolala
OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: " Just as freshman Ryota Natsukawa moves out on his own for the first time, his childhood friend Kazuhito Tanaka ends up moving in with him. As they adjust to being roommates, Ryota asks why Kazuhito, a handsome and clean-cut guy, hasn't fo1und a girlfriend. How will their relationship develop as they start to care more about one another?"
☆ Someone as sweet as you shouldn't be single!!
☆ Ryuta Sato from " Kamen Rider Geats" falls for Sho Sakai from " Takara-kun to Amagi-kun"
☆ Featuring the talents of the director of "My Personal Weatherman" and the writer of "Perfect Propose" and " Old Fashion Cupcake"
The series is adapted from the manga "Living with Him" (彼のいる生活) by Miyata Toworu (宮田トヲル). The manga has both an official english translation by Animate International ( in physical form) and Mangaplaza and Renta ( for digital format) and it has been completely scanlated in english.
The trailer
The MDL page.
OST:
"Furete" by Urashimasakatasen Lyric MV up on YouTube Listen on Spotify

So, I'm not entirely sure what my goal is with this post. One thing I know for certain is that it will be very long, and probably sort of jumbled and frantic, more stream of consciousness than anything. I guess I just sort of wanted to share some of the important realizations I've had in recent months, and see if: 1. Other people think that they're fair or "correct" realizations, and I'm not becoming, like, delusional or something. 2. Maybe my sharing these perspectives will help or inspire someone else who has struggled in ways similar to me.
So, here's the basic background of things. I've always been a really reserved and quiet person, ever since I was a little kid. Add in being skinny and nerdy for most of my life, and maxing out at a height of 5'9", and I'm not exactly a hot product for the average girl my age (19, turning 20 in a few weeks). In fact, I'd never had a relationship until this past year in college, but I'll get more into that in a minute. Hell, I hadn't had so much as a first kiss until this past year, either.
And, at the beginning of this past school year, being my second year of college (as a commuter student, so socializing is pretty difficult), I began to really get down on myself for having never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl, being a virgin, etc. It started to really take a toll on my mental health, because I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong and unlovable about me. Whereas a lot of young men who struggle socially romantically seem to be directing their sadness, frustration, and anger outward toward the world, especially toward women, I instead found myself directing those feeling toward myself. I was convinced that, on a basic level, there was some vital component to who I am as a person that disqualifies me from being worthy of love or affection. After all, that's what 19 years of evidence suggest, right?
Looking back, I think a large component in this was how I had been struggling, and still struggle to a degree, with my identity as a young man. I'm naturally a pretty progressive person, and I make an effort to be open to the perspectives of other groups and listen to their stories. Unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of people have been harmed by the men in their lives. And I know, I know: if I'm not doing anything wrong myself, then I shouldn't take any of these stories personally.But I guess, given the poor mental state that I was already in, I took it as validation that there was in fact something intrinsically wrong about me, and that thing was being a man. I started to avoid people on the street, especially if they were a woman or presented as feminine. At work, I avoid going anywhere near female customers, out of fear of making them uncomfortable. I'd keep my head down walking from class to class on campus, worried that I might make someone uneasy with my gaze. It wasn't that I thought I was a threat; in fact, I knew that I was not. But I also knew that the people around me didn't know that. In their eyes, maybe they have to assume that I'm a creep or that I'm a dangerous type of man. And it hurt to realize that, and I realize now, like I said, that I took it as validation that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
Due to that, as well as other factors, such as stress and exhaustion from overworking (I'm a full-time student and work about 30 hours a week, which is a lot for me, might not be for others, I admit), I experienced some of the worst periods of depression I've ever had, since being diagnosed with it and anxiety in 2021. I tried going to therapy. I went to a few sessions, then gradually started missing more and more due to a lack of time, until my therapist cancelled all of our scheduled future sessions. It was on me. I wasn't committed.
I lost my passion for my hobbies and interests, like creative writing, which had previously been an important emotional outlet for me. A lot of nights would be spent lying in bed, listening to a playlist filled with sad music and hugging a pillow, wishing it was someone who loved me in the way that I thought, or hoped, love would work.
At the behest of my friends, to whom I only presented my issues as being a little down about never having been in a relationship, I started messing around with dating apps. At first, I felt good about making some sort of effort to put myself out there. Like I said, I've always been insanely reserved, so doing something like making a dating profile felt like an accomplishment. Of course, nothing much came of it. Over the five or so months that I was on the app, I maxed out at about six likes on my profile, and only matched with two people.
But one of those two people was a girl who went to the same college as me, and we seemed to have a lot of interests in common. And I mean a lot. To the point that it was almost comical. Of course, I realize now that having some hobbies in common isn't enough to form a good relationship with someone, but I realize now that I was just desperate for someone who I could convince myself halfway-tolerated me. She and I started to go out, and after a while, we decided to make things "official." My first kiss. My first relationship. My first girlfriend.
It lasted for only a few months. After a while, something felt off. I wasn't as excited to see her as I had been before. It was hard for us to make time for each other, between my working and her being involved in extracurricular stuff around campus. Car rides and dates began to be filled with longer and more frequent stretches of awkward silence, as I tried to think of something to say or talk about, only to come up empty-handed. As we got to know each other better, I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I first thought. She was a little more conservative, not necessarily in a political sense, but more in terms of "status", if that makes sense. I learned that financial success was very important to her parents, and I could tell that it was important to her, too. She avoided telling her parents that I was an English major, instead opting to tell them that I was getting a degree in computer science, as that was my minor at the time. It seemed to me that the status of a relationship was more important to her than the quality of the relationship (pot calling the kettle black, yes, I realize). For example, there was a dance on campus that she wanted to go to, pretty much just to take pictures of the two of us together so she could show them to friends and family. But as for the dance itself, it was more of the same that had been happening before: awkward silence, short conversations, lots of looking around at anything other than each other.
After a while, I decided that, for both of our sakes, I needed to break things off. I didn't want to waste her time when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore. So, at the beginning of April, I drove over to her dorm, and we talked it over in my car for a while. At the end, we hugged one last time, and I haven't seen her since.
I think a key component in the decision I made is the fact that I reconnected with some old friends from high school, who are still local, even though they are going to another university. Over Christmas break, I hung out with them for the first time since the pandemic as, during that time, I ended up having a falling out with them over some dumb high school drama and political differences. To my surprise, they had changed a lot, and had managed to pull themselves out of the incel trajectory that I had seen them beginning to fall down during high school. They were kinder, more accepting people. My surprise was matched only by my pride in them. I had feared and assumed the worst of them, and I couldn't have been happier to be proven wrong. Since then, I've been invited back into their group chats, and I see them in-person with some regularity, when our schedules allow it.
I think having that connection made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being single again, and since the break up, I've been able to rely on them for support, laughs, and just feeling like I have somewhere I belong. Before, I found myself desperate for any kind of connection and fell into a cycle of denying myself that connection because I was convinced that, since it didn't just present itself, I wasn't worthy of it.
And maybe it has something to do with that, but on the drive home from my now-ex's dorm (though I still wonder if I should/could really call her an ex. Sure, we agreed to make things "official", but we still only dated for a few months), I felt my perspective on, well, at the risk of sounding over-dramatic or overly romantic, everything, being to change.
And I guess that's what the title of this post is about. The things I've begun to realize in the time leading up to and following that break-up.
Above all else, I've realized the importance of connection. If I didn't have a stable friend group again, I don't know where I'd be. Probably still in a stale relationship, clinging on and trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling the way that I'm feeling. I have people to talk with again, to confide in when I feel stressed or depressed. I go out and do things again, which I didn't realize I hadn't really done very much since the pandemic.
But I know that for a lot of people who are/were in the position I had been in, finding friends is difficult. If it weren't for my unique circumstances of being reunited with an old, estranged group of friends, I would absolutely be in the same position. I still really struggle with social anxiety, and talking to new people is a huge struggle for me. So, I've also had some realizations that don't have as much to do with the friendship side of things, and I hope that these can be of some use to people who also struggle with social anxiety.
I know that the idea of "working on yourself" is cliche and overused, so I won't frame it exactly like that. In my opinion, saying it like that makes it sound too daunting and tedious, and having been in those dark, dark places myself, I know that it was the last thing I wanted to hear. So, instead, I like to think of it this way. It's more like living in spite of your circumstances. Over the course of this past year, I essentially shut my life down, because I was so convinced that there was no point, because I felt that I knew that I would never be loved or accepted. Now, I feel an urge to go on living for myself, almost in direct spite of the fear that I may be forever alone. It's a fear that I still deal with, and who knows, maybe things will end up that way.
And, I suppose, that leads into my main realization, which is sort of an extension/restatement of the last one, now that I think about it. I now feel the desire to accumulate enough in my life, to reach a point where I am satisfied enough, that I can rest knowing that I will be okay, with or without a relationship. Before, my self-worth was almost entirely attached to my relationship status, and my lack of romantic experience. Now, I realize that a relationship can only come when I don't need it, or at least don't feel that I need it. Being a huge nerd and a writer, I think a lot about quotes from books, shows, movies, and games that have stuck with and there's one from God of War: Ragnarok that comes to mind here (by the way, I actually highly recommend playing or watching a playthrough of God of War 2018 and Ragnarok if you've struggled with masculinity in the same way I have, the music and cutscenes from those games have actually helped to pull me out of some mental spirals about my self-worth and identity as a man). It comes from a scene in which Kratos confronts his younger self, and is trying to decide if he is willing/ready to be a god again:
"Should I lose everything and everyone, will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope."
It's a quote that resonates with me now more than ever (even though it's from a DLC that just came out around Christmas, lol). I know now that I want to get to a place where there is enough left inside me that I know I'll never fall into that dark mental state again.
Something else that I've noticed has happened is the return of my passions for my hobbies and interests, especially for writing. I don't want to sound too arrogant, but I think I've begun to realize an important goal for my writing. If I'm lucky enough, I want to be able to write and release stories that explore masculinity and isolation, and, if I can, I want to create stories that can help guide other young men and boys who have struggled in the way I have and continue to do. I want to create characters who serve as positive male role models, who are emotionally strong, intelligent, and kind. I want to write stories of personal redemption, and show that no one is truly ever too far gone to be able to recover. If my writing could help even just one person who is struggling, then I would consider my career to be a success.
At the risk of being too cheesy, I'd like to end this very long-winded post with another quote, this one from a YouTube channel I recently discovered, and one I would highly recommend to just about anyone: Cinema Therapy. It's from their video about "A Silent Voice", which also happens to be one of my favorite movies, and one of my main inspirations when it comes to the kinds of stories I want to tell.
"Depression doesn't go away, doesn't lift for most people. But there's a capacity to feel again. There's a capacity to feel joy. The cure for so many things is connection. And we may think 'no one want to connect with me.' But we just need to find the right people."
I think the only thing I would add to that is that, in my opinion, the connection can also be with yourself.

I know a mother fucker who looks like he's got everything.
I open Instagram and he is there in the Maldives with his girlfriend. I open Facebook and he is there with his friends partying at a club. I open LinkedIn and he is there as the Cofounder of a Company. I open YouTube and he has his own fucking Fitness channel. I open Twitter and he is celebrating mother's day by gifting her a car, and volunteering in the soup kitchen with her.
Tired of all that shit, I open Pornhub, and he is there with God gifted 10 inch huge dick fucking 2 girls at once.
Motherfucker has killed my Confidence.
I made up the Porn thing, but that motherfucker is in my mind so much that I see him everywhere.

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Remember to check our Ai Generator: CandyAI

I can’t do them. I found this thorough video on YouTube where to people explain how to train yourself to do it. Step one is a plank hold, which was already tough on my arms. He said do it 3 reps or sets whatever for as long as you can. His girlfriend did it for 30 seconds three times in a row. What the guy didn’t say is how often a day I should do this? The exercise doesn’t take that long. I could do it twice a day, or three times even. Will doing the plank hold multiple times a day give me somewhat faster results than if I were to do it only once a day?

TWO WORLDS THAILAND FINALE

Trigger Warning : Violence/Weapons/POSSIBLE EXPLICIT NC (LOL)
Two Worlds โลกสองใบใจดวงเดียว Thailand
KHRAM IS GONE! WHAT WILL TAI DO? WILL PHUPA EVERY LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND? WILL WAYU AND JAO GET IT ON AGAIN? (GOD I HOPE SO) TOO MANY QUESTIONS...NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO MAXNAT, I HAVE LOVED SEEING THEM ONSCREEN AGAIN. LET'S HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LONG BEFORE THE NEXT ONE.
MDL: MDL
​
https://preview.redd.it/9d232edlpr0d1.png?width=271&format=png&auto=webp&s=c5d55e8690d16970f9200fba5d054a7bd0cd615a
Adapted from the web novel "2 Worlds" (2 Worlds: โลกสองใบ ใจดวงเดียว) written by Prang (พราง)
Trailer: TRAILER
Network: IQIYI Episodes: 10
Air dates: 21 March 2024-May 16 2024
Air day: Thursday 8PM ICT
Watch here: IQIYI
Direct Link (once airs)
Directors: Petch Varayu Rukskus MDL
Khets Thunthup MDL
Cast:
Tai- ‘Max’ MDL
​
https://preview.redd.it/kc3r6iaupr0d1.jpg?width=190&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bd2dfb23a014fb2a4828ca502a87108661108a8d
Khram- ‘Nat’ MDL
​
https://preview.redd.it/bxgfaufvpr0d1.jpg?width=187&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=92e648d6d02ebc9ae81d2a2ab4970bee2890fe4a
Phupha- ‘Gun’ MDL
​
https://preview.redd.it/zy9zoutwpr0d1.jpg?width=187&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f21b21aad2edbe1125c75940d3d072dacb60393
Official Synopsis: Phupha and Khram love each other but later Phupha is murdered. However, something happens and Khram is pulled to a parallel world where, 12 years ago, Khram and Tai were in love. However, Khram was killed by Tai's dad. One day, Thai drives by a road and finds someone in the middle of the road. The face of that person stuns Tai because he looks exactly the same as his lover from 12 years ago. What will happen next?
Source: MDL
OST YouTube Video YouTube OST
Instagram: IG
Keep it friendly and keep it fun. Let’s enjoy MaxNat being back on screen!
Thanks to u/ThoughtsAllDay for the help
PREV ON AIRS
EP 0
EP1&2
EP 3
EP 4
EP 5
EP 6
EP 7
EP 8
EP 9

Is there any way to adjust the volume from the ps5?? The only thing I can find is being able to adjust the volume of the YouTube app when casting from my phone but I wanna watch Netflix while my girlfriend sleeps

-- I just kinda wrote down how i'm feeling at the moment. I made it in the style of a story. But it's the best way i can get it out. Sorry it is long. Just read it. That's all I ask. --
I don’t know what I’m doing. For the better part of 10 years, my entire adult life, I’ve never known what it is that I’m trying to accomplish. Am I doing the right thing by dedicating all my time to my work? What do I consider my work? Is it my actual job that pays me biweekly? Or is it my job as a father... or maybe it’s my major at university? Whatever it is, it’s never enough. Life is supposed to be fulfilling and right now, I can’t tell the difference between fulfilling and life-sucking. Distractions scratch an itch but have never satisfied my hunger.
Enough complaining, let me tell you what I do on a daily basis. My day starts at 6 AM. Why? Because I’m a slave to the corporate machine. But that’s a story for another day. Work ends around 4 PM if things go the way they should, and often they don’t. My commute home usually takes 30 to 45 minutes due to the ignorant shipyard traffic that consumes every road, freeway, and dirt road. Hundreds of moron drivers that create a ghost of a traffic jam. It’s now 5 PM. I’m free. Respite from retail hell. From the public. I’m alone. At least for now. What’s next? Dinner, dishes, workout, or relax? God knows relaxing isn’t a real option. Working out? No thanks, I’ve been on my feet for 10 hours. Dinner will get me yelled at by my family if I pick the wrong thing to eat, we’ll get to that later, so dishes it is! 6:30 PM. They arrive. My wife, my son, and the attitude that comes along with it. What did I do this time? Why is everyone raising their voice at me? Why do I get attitude, huffing and puffing, and whining when I ask for any kind of help? Oh, you worked for 3 hours today and your back hurts. I’m sorry. The kid has been a pain since you got home? I’m sorry. You don’t feel good? I’m sorry. Have you noticed my problem yet? Obviously, I haven’t made dinner yet. Good job thinking about other’s feelings. Worked out great.
Back in 2019, I was let go from my job. COVID was great, right? Unemployment was paying more than I made working my full-time job. I’m not going to pretend to be a good little boy and not abuse it. I did. I milked the fuck out of it. I took a leap and applied for college. My dream has always been to make video games. My life has revolved around them since I was in diapers. I signed up for a 4-year degree in game programming. Little did I know that this was just a misguided investment in my own validation.
It is now 9:00 PM, and aside from the wife and the kid asking me to come to the room every 15 minutes, I have time. Not much, but I have some. Enough. I hope… What is left that I need to do? I need to do homework. Yay. The time is now 2:00 AM. I should probably go to bed… but I’ve had absolutely zero me time. A couple YouTube videos wouldn’t hurt right? What’s the difference between 4 hours of sleep and 3 hours of sleep? Not much honestly. Some time between 2 AM and 4 AM I go to bed. Every night is different, don’t judge me.
The cycle continues. 2-4 hours of sleep, work, cleaning, yelled at, dinner, homework, repeat. For the record, that is not all I do. There are some smaller amounts of time where I spend time with my son, or I have a few minutes free to play games, or spend time with my wife. Even when I’m being judged or yelled at, I’m expected to stay calm and levelheaded. It’s my job. I’m a man, welcome. I’ve also searched for more fulfilling hobbies and that’s what comes next.
From 2015 to 2017 I was streaming on twitch. I loved every minute of it. I was growing and making real money. Then THE big event happened. My wife, my girlfriend at the time with our newborn child, and I were supposed to be moving out that weekend. I took off early from work that day to get started. I walk in the apartment. Empty. Aside from a bed in the corner of the room, a dresser, my computer, and my poor dog Bella inside a cage. I let the dog out, walked around to see what else I needed to move. I called my girlfriend, excited that she had gotten a head start on our move. If you’ve figured it out already, yes, she did. If you haven’t, she was leaving me and taking our child. This was the start of my downfall.
A lot happened between then and now. But it worked out. We got married. Almost divorced. A lot of toxicity between us. But I loved her. And I loved my son. They were, and still are, my everything. So, I stuck it out.
Enough babbling. I’m currently learning two languages to further my own personal education. Spanish and Japanese. Spanish because it’s difficult to get by in life without it, and Japanese because I am obsessed with Japan and Japanese culture, and I hope to travel to Japan someday. So, on top of everything, I’m also doing that. It takes a lot out of me.
Is that it, OP? You’re overfilling your plate… You’re going too fast, doing too much, and not living a healthy lifestyle. No. It’s not it. Here comes YouTube. No, not the videos I watch. I also make videos. The 30ish minutes I have available to play games? Yeah, I multitask and use my game time to record a video. Shameless mid story plug? You be the judge.
Some nights are spent mashing watching videos, doing homework, or relaxing with editing the videos. No one wants just a recording of some idiot playing video games. It needs quality, it needs cuts, it needs love, it needs hours…
Is it alot to some people? Yeah, and some others might say that it’s light work. It’s not good to have such little sleep. On top of the sleep apnea I already have, which makes my 2-4 hours of sleep the equivalent of 1-2 hours of sleep.
I’ve realized that I’m stuck. I’ve done way too much to give up, and I’ve done way too much to keep going. I’m financially ruined, physically destroyed, and metaphorically molested. All because I wanted something. Validation.
Take it from me. It’s not worth it. Live your life. Know your limits. Don’t seek validation.

This will be my first time ever openly sharing about my addiction; from the root cause to the effects and struggles that having a porn addiction has impacted my life to this day
So I just recently turned 21 and I'm beginning to look around and realize that for as long as I've acknowledged that I have a problem and need to quit, I keep feeding the addiction KNOWING that it's ruining my life. I'm going to split this post into 3 sections explaining the following stages: The root causes/early development, Progression of my addiction to current day, and Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal. Not exactly sure why I'm posting this but I just feel like it's something I need to let out. Hope someone can relate or give me their take on it.
The root causes/early development: So I believe that my PA manifested due to a few different reasons: Playing "doctor" with my sister as a child, early age porn exposure, and then using porn as a coping mechanism to deal with any negative emotions. So starting w/ "playing doctor", it first happened at a very young age, somewhere between elementary school to 6th grade. I think most people know what that is but to keep it short basically my sister who is a year older than me introduced my to basically role playing as doctor and patient. I wasn't sure if SHE even knew it was wrong but the point is, it happened. I genuinely don't think she was doing in an abusive way but I'll never know. I don't remember the small details of exactly how it happened but what leads me to think this was a factor that contributed to my porn addiction is that I know now as an adult that it's wrong, however as we "played doctor" I only grew to enjoy it and occasionally we took things outside of "playing doctor" - which is why I don't know what to make of it... Long story short it went from "doctor" to us making up our own games like "spy" where we pretended to fight each other as spy's, getting "knocked out" unconscious while she'd touch... and I specifically remember wanting to play these games in hopes that it led to that. But even outside of playing games I grew to wanting to touch her and act on perverted thoughts as a child that were NOT normal for my age or in general. And sometimes I would sneakily act on them - which as I'm reflecting on right now makes me think that me KNOWINGLY trying to be sneaky and act on perverted thoughts at that young of an age had to have carried on with me as I got older (contributing to my porn addiction).. And then the last thing that I vividly remember was when I was probably 10-12 years old is when again we were actually kind of aggressively play fighting, somehow ended up with each other's hands DOWN THERE mutually and we kept going on with each other until she made me.... yeah. And that was the last memory I had of what started out as us "playing doctor". Fast forward to current date since that last memory and we've never spoken about those experiences (more on that later). Going onto the actual exposure of pornography and WATCHING porn, I was exposed to it somewhere in between the same timeframe as when I'd play doctor and the last memory of us playing (somewhere between the ages of 8-12). I can vividly remember the scene that played late at night on the tv that my parents had left on (I shared a room with them). And then moving forward from there, somewhere in between I would find videos on YouTube of this "prank" channel where he'd go up to paid actors, bet that if he beat them in rock paper scissors that they'd have to make out with him. And as a young kid at the time seeing a girl in a bikini making out with a guy as he grabbed on her ass just made me horny and I learned to masturbate from there. And I cant think of a stronger dopamine hit for a 8-12 year old little me at the time than seeing those videos and pleasuring myself. After this, I'd hit middle school where I was bullied a lot, all while lacking social skills necessary to make any genuine friends or deal with the emotional turmoil of being bullied. Fast forward a few months and I think I just progressively began to normalize using porn as a coping mechanism - All the way from whenever I just got mad while dying repetitively on the videogame, to avoiding the fact that I hated my life everyday that I went to school. I'd use porn to receive that "good feeling" whenever I could. And I think my sexual addiction got worse when I began touching myself in the shower almost everyday in middle school to the imagination of the pretty girls that were at my school, even though I had neverarely talked to some of them. It was just a thing for me where every night I took a shower, I closed my eyes and fantasized about doing stuff with them. And then the cycles of me normalizing these things continued and eventually I found out about REAL porn sites.
Progression of my addiction to current day: So shortly after finding the real porn sites I entirely opted to use those as much as possible as the cycle continued. So by my freshman year of high school I was already using porn sites regularly. I remember during summer and winter breaks, sometimes I'd sleep at my grandmas and stay up all night switching from ejaculating to porn, to watching my favorite youtuber and streamers, to going back to jerking off. It was a multiple times a day/night occurrence OFTEN. Sometimes even during the middle of the day I'd pretend to use the bathroom but really I had a porn video pulled up and I watched until I was done. And as time progressed one video didn't exactly cut it for me. I don't think its that I couldn't get off to the first video, but more so that I just had the urge to see more and didn't want to nut yet. I didn't even know if I was purposely edging or not. I did not even understand that edging was a concept yet. Its just something that occurred naturally for me. And during all of this, I am still somewhere in the age range of 13-15. Consistently ejaculating to pornography, further exploring the more basic categories of porn like anal and lesbian. I think a notable memory was one of the first times I watched porn in the middle of work during summer break (extended family owns a construction company so I worked over breaks). It's crazy because in construction all we have are porta-potties that are always hot and nasty and the urge just came over me one day to pretend like I was using the bathroom and get one off before I went back... I don't think I even realized at the time that I had an addiction because this was still early high school. It was just something I looked at as a good feeling and whenever the urges came to me I took any chance I got to fulfill them. Even if I was sharing a room with a family member, I'd be as slow and quit as I could, touch myself under the covers, finish in my underwear and then showechange the next morning like it was normal. Moving forward, this type of behavior continues all the way throughout high school and the feeling of ejaculating just is not as intense as it use to be, so I look up ways to spice it up and I tried shit all the way from sitting on my own hand til it goes sort or numb so it "feels like someone else is touching you", to doing it in more risky places like my backyard outside when I was home alone and had my pants pulled down all the way, to whatever else I could try. Reflecting back, I just look at all these actions as the progressions of a sexual/porn addiction that is still developing. And this is how I rationalize the way I developed a porn addiction. Now it wasn't AWFUL in high school but it was getting bad. I realized that I had actually had a bad addiction that needed to be addressed a few months after graduating high school. From that point forward It was something that I had acknowledged was an issue but nonetheless, continued to do out of habit and as a continued coping mechanism. Whether it was from the lack of relationships, to my current life situation/direction I was headed in, or just any negative emotion - I used porn to release. Sometimes I'd even just do it out of boredom, not even because I had a dying urge to get one off. And then after that point of realization, I sat in "depression" for a few months still going about my everyday life until one day my dad mentioned that I should try therapy. He knew nothing about the addiction but I did let him know I feel depressed and the many struggles that I faced - which I believe is due to my porn addiction. So long story short, I go to therapy for about 3 sessions and end up dropping it because it just wasn't something I felt was helping or enjoyed (more on that later). From there to current day, I've gone at MOST one week periods attempting to quit porn and every time I relapse. From the age of 1 to-current day 21 years old, the progression of the categories of porn that I watch has grown and a few different fetishes like face sitting, femdom, and role play has increased. I don't NEED to watch these specific categories to get off, however these are ones I've found myself most recently watching and edging to, sometimes for 1-3 hours at a time, usually at night on weekends or before I fall asleep. And to take it a step further, I had started pouring money into camgirl sites, phone sex sites, only fans, etc.. I live with my parents still so it's not to the point that I'm broke and have no money, but still what the fuck am I doing putting my hard earned money into a porn addiction... (I'm a functioning adult on a pathway to financial freedom, more on this later).
Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal: So I believe that the main struggles with my porn addiction consist of: the inability/struggle to create and maintain healthy relationships, low self esteem, poor social skills, lack of motivation, and the cognitive dissonance of continuing my addiction to porn even though morally I believe it is wrong to lust over. I believe all of these struggles that come with porn are connected to each other - minus the cognitive dissonance. But everything else kind of stacks on top of each other. So my thought process is that I already dealt w/ low self esteem and confidence from a very young age, and porn just completely enhanced those problems and made it even harder to fix/work on. If you're anything like me and have watched videos on the sciences of porn on your brain, and possible struggles that we deal with, I'm assuming you know how it goes for the most part. I'd say I show symptoms of all effects of being a porn addict, however I've learned to "act normal" to an extent. Like YES I struggle to make friends and hold conversations with people in general but I can make it happen. Sure it'll be a little awkward depending on who I'm speaking to, but I feel like I act normal enough to not be a total outcast and all out weirdo around people. But I just feel like every relationship I have with anyone is extremely surface level or unfulfilling. I feel like as a person I lack so much substance and personality due to the fact that I never really put myself out there and learned social skills when I was coming up. My mindset was molded into something like "keep your head down and stay out the way" in order to avoid conflict. So I never really put myself out there to develop any type of super crazy/interesting personality. I work, play videogames, go to the gym, watch anime. I feel like there's not much else - which might also be a side affect of my porn addiction. Lack of emotion. And I refuse to call it depression. Kind of got red pilled by Andrew Tate Philosophy and it entirely HAS helped me. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not - because when I was fresh out of high school and hyper focused on the bad parts of my life, I felt depressed as shit. Legit like I couldn't do anything to fix it. And the more I identified as "depressed" the more I allowed myself to look for things in my life to confirm that belief. So eventually I went on a self improvement journey and just stopped allowing "depression" to hold power over me. Now I don't believe in it so it's not something that can hold me down in that crippling way. HOWEVER, I DO believe in just being in a shitty situation - which is what I feel like having a porn addiction along with it's effects and symptoms is. It's a shitty situation and I can either allow it to keep ruining my life OR I can get up everyday and attempt to fix it. And I refuse to play the victim card. Sure, I may have been exposed to some fucked up shit at a young age and used porn as a coping mechanism. There is no denying that it happened and that it may have been unfair and out of my control. YES, that's my problem. I may be a victim of pornography but I do not have to ALLOW it to continue to ruin my life. Easier said than done but it's definitely possible and I will not blame my lack of discipline or call it "depression" because I'm unable to quit. The way I see it is, there is a lot of shit that happened to me in the past that I have to come to terms with, and then I must come up with a plan to improve and learn how to be better. For example, struggling to hold eye contact with people, hold basic conversation with people (specifically women), find confidence within myself, become more social, etc... These are all skills that we can practice and learn. Simply by going outside and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations that allow us to put the reps in. I believe that if I quit porn and start walking up to 10 strangers a day and try having simple conversations with them, in time I can only get better at being social and connecting with people. It's gonna suck and feel like shit at first, but I truly believe that it's a way to improve and get better. As I stand in my current situation I would say I have a lot of work to do but I'm still a functioning addict. I have friendships and relationships with family but they are very lack luster and I long for something deeper and more intimate. I know I'm not ugly and have the ability to pull a good looking girl, shit I've turned down this really pretty girl who always asks to hangout simply due to the fact that I feel like I'm gonna fuck it up and have bad social skills. And its getting to a point where friends and family are wondering why I haven't had a girlfriend in years. Overall its a lack of self esteem, which hinders me from being able to confidently put myself out there as a person who's deserving of love/companionship, which then makes me sort of self isolate and stray away from any type of connection or opportunity to be vulnerable. Which just leads me to feeling like a loser or someone that is undeserving of love because I'm just in a shitty situation. And yeah. Its kind of a self sabotaging cycle because I feel like I understand what's going on but I don't have the discipline and don't put the work in to get better. But that's just my two cents. This post was extremely long and I probably rifted off topic a few times and had my thoughts all over the place, and I still have a lot more I could give input about but this is the jist of everything
If anyone has a support group or needs someone to talk to, 1. I'd like to join the group, or 2. Feel free to message me for any support or conversation.

These dumbhead nibbi fans go on blindly hating on everyone because of these fakers 🤡🤡
Digvijay and unnati ne start Kiya by poking and degrading Ishita on their YouTube vlogs but jab Ishita ne jawab Diya toh according to them she is the one that is obsessed
They started poking nayera on their broadcast channel , and called her a snake whereas nayera was still supporting digvijay outside but when nayera reacted, they started hating on her instead,
Lakshay pokes anica and if anica reacts , she is the one who wants fame , jabki lakshay khud fame k liye anica ka fake ex banke splitsvilla aya even after having a girlfriend.
And now deekila is uneccessarily poking Ishita and encouraging her fans to bully her , jab ki Ishita ne uske against kuch bola bhi nahi but deekila is sweet and innocent 🤡
Unnati ka toh boyfriend hai , aditya 🤡 and digvijay-unnati are faking everything to gain followers , they are one of the fakest contestants this season 🤡 but according to fans their connection is so real , janmo janmo k saathi whereas Adit-khanank are fake.
Deekila fans trolls aniket when he comments on Ishita's or any other girls pics , but they are okay with deekila faking an entire love angle with lakshay on Instagram just for views and followers even though she is with aniket 🤡
Fans bano , andh bhakt maat bano🙏 Jan hit mein jaari.