You guys know what an alpine coaster is? They are like a small roller coaster you find in the mountains. They are also called summer toboggans or mountain coasters and I think there’s some long German compound word they are called in parts of Europe. They are like a roller coaster, but with much smaller one or two person sleds you just sit on instead of multi-person cars you ride in, and instead of being built with like a scaffolding or a framework the tracks are just on the ground, using the elevation of the mountain. Basically it’s a coaster track on the side of a mountain where you ride a sled down.
They are pretty fun. Or at least I used to think so. They are more “personal” than roller coasters and although you get nowhere near the speed on them that you do on a good traditional roller coaster and they can’t do corkscrews or loops or anything like that the openness and simplicity of the ride gives an impression of a much greater speed. You’re just sitting there with nothing but a little plastic sled and the track between you and the ground as it goes zooming by. It’s like the difference between how fast a go-cart feels compared to how fast a sports car feels. You know the sports car goes faster but the open, simpleness of a go-cart feels a different kind of fast. There’s plenty of POV Youtube videos if you want to get the basic idea of what they are.
I used to love alpine coasters. Used to.
My family used to go to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and up and down the Smokey Mountains for vacations when I was a kid and they are common in that area and I’d always rode them every chance I got.
But as with so many things after I grew up and went to college they just became part of my childhood that slipped away. They aren’t exactly common once you get away from the mountains.
Until one cool spring afternoon in 2004. I was in my final year at college and I was driving back to campus in Tennessee after a short visit to my folks in North Carolina. It was only like a 4 or 5 hour drive via the most efficient route and I had no need to be back at campus early so instead of taking the freeway all the way I got off and took part of my trip through the mountains. The scenery was nicer and I admit I liked pushing my Camaro just a little faster than I should through the twisty mountain roads.
Just after lunchtime happened upon one of those little by-the-highway tourist towns deep somewhere in the Smoky Mountains near the Carolina/Tennessee border. Nothing fancy, a gas station/truck stop, a diner, a couple of places selling tourist merch nestled deep in the mountains. I pulled into the gas station. My tank was getting low and I needed to stretch my legs, maybe grab something to eat. It was still early and I only had another couple of hours. I could kill an hour or so and still make it back to campus at a decent hour.
I pulled into the gas station and was filling my tank when I happened to glance across the road and… well I’ll be damned. There it was. “The Blue Ridge Alpine Coaster.” Nestled on the side of the mountain was a building, a mockup of a red barn, where a single railed track that led up into the mountains, where it soon got lost in the greenery. Wooden hand painted standees of cartoon character bears dressed in stereotypical “Hillbilly” getup stood around, some of them holding signs showing the ride hours and ticket costs and other info. I had to admit, as silly as it was, it made me smile.I finished pumping my gas and, well, nostalgia is a helluva thing. I decided then and there I could waste a little time riding an Alpine Coaster again after all these years before getting back on the road.
I parked my car in a corner of the truck stop's parking lot, put my phone in the center console, this being the days before smart phones when people didn’t keep their phones with them 24/7 and I didn’t want my old Nokia brick phone to fall out during the ride, locked my car and walked across the mountain highway to the Alpine Coaster building.
Getting closer, the place was less inviting. The half hearted attempt at a whimsical faux-Americana kitsch was far less effective when it brushed up against the actual decaying, run down wooden building. Hell calling it a building was generous. It was a wood frame holding up a long roof that covered the area where you got on the sleds. The wood boards creaked under my footsteps.
The only real enclosed structure was a shack that held, what I assumed, was a ticket booth. A door on the side had both a single occupancy bathroom with an out of order sign on it. An old Pepsi machine buzzed and glowed next to it.
Still the place looked alive. Ahead of me a bored looking attendant was helping a mother and her young son into one of the sleds while in a bored monotone repeating the safety brief. A few people were waiting in line at the ticket booth. Up in the mountains the playful shouts of people on the ride echoed down. Fond memories of my own childhood rides flooded my mind.10 minutes and 15 dollars later I was settling into the hard plastic seat of a bright red sled sat atop a simple aluminum rail.
I couldn’t help but grin as the sled slowly climbed the track up the mountains, making click-clack ratcheting sounds that hit my nostalgia centers hard. I felt good. The air was cool and crisp and smelled of pine.Higher and higher in the mountains we went. I don’t know if this is my mind trying to make sense of it after the fact but when I remember these moments, the last good moments, I sometimes think I remember a very slight, very subtle pit of fear in my stomach. I honestly don’t know if I felt it at the time or not or it’s just how my mind tries to make sense of it looking back at.
But either way mostly I was enjoying myself. I smiled. I was a kid again. I could hear riders in front of me let out that initial yell of terrified glee you get at the first drop of any good ride.
It peaked. I glanced around. I could see for miles, rolling hills and mountains. I the sled tipped over and zoomed down the mountain and I let out the same happy yell I heard from the other passengers.The ride zoomed down the mountain, catching speed. The mountain forest floor zoomed past, only a few feet under me. Trees zoomed past. I gave out a happy whoop as the ride banked hard around a curve and then looped back under itself.Another dip, another curve. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the G-forces pulling me every which way.
There was no one exact single moment where things started to go “wrong.” The ride kept going. And going. At this point the first creeping thought entered my head.
The ride… was still going.
It just started to hit me… this ride was going on for a really long time. I had taken a dozen rides on various coasters of this type before that day and they topped out at about 5 minutes or so, and that was the long ones. Longer than a traditional roller coaster but not that long. This one had been going on for what felt like 10, maybe even 15 minutes.
I looked back over my shoulder and could only see trees, moving too fast to really get a bearing on where I was at in relation to anything.
I wasn't exactly really worried yet. Okay so I had found a particularly long alpine coaster. At the time I wasn’t 100% wasn't sure they didn’t exist or anything like that. I was a little… unnerved but nothing was happening that was impossible. Yet.
I was trying to talk myself back into just enjoying the ride and stop overthinking it, and halfway succeeded, when out of nowhere I suddenly banked hard, the track jutting out almost over a sheer cliffside. I gripped the sled more tightly as I was whipped around. The ride then dipped hard and picked up speed, barreling down the side of the mountain.
I was pushed back against the seat by the force of the drop. Jesus I didn’t remember them being this rough. I was feeling slightly nauseous. And where had this elevation drop come from I wondered? I was still in the foothills and I didn’t remember seeing anything but gentle rolling hills and light drops from looking at the ride’s route earlier. How the ride had managed such a long, steep drop in this area I didn’t know. . For the first time I hoped that the ride would be over soon. I had no idea then how much I would want that same hope to be true so much more as time went on.
With a whiplash motion I was whipped forward and then back as the ride leveled out on flat ground again, but by this point I was going fast, too fast. My neck hurt from the mild whiplash and I felt sour in my throat and for a moment the contents of my stomach threatened to come back up. For the first, but hardly the last time the ride felt unsafe. Alpine Coasters are tame affairs, much slower and gentler than full on roller coasters but this thing was throwing me around like no thrill ride I had ever been on.
I looked around. I mean I wasn’t that deep into the woods. I should have been able to see a glimpse of something; the highway, the gas station, the tourist shops, the Alpine Coaster office, something, anything. But nothing. Just trees.
I forced back some panic for the first time. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. The ride zoomed along. I counted to 60. I counted to 60 again. And again. Okay this was getting uncomfortably harder and harder to explain.
Suddenly I noticed that up ahead the track seemed to just end, for one brief, terrible moment I thought the track just ended but I was wrong. Almost without warning the track dipped in an almost vertical drop. I almost screamed as I plummeted for 20, maybe 30 seconds before flattening out again.
By this point the voice in my head that was telling me something was wrong was louder and I could no longer tell myself it was wrong. This ride could not have been this long. I tried to make sense of it, wondering if somehow I had gotten diverted onto some kind of maintenance track or, hell for one brief irrational moment even entertaining the idea that I had wound up on an actual train track somehow. But that was absurd. The rail below me was not a train track, it was still just the simple, aluminum rail of an alpine coaster and there had been no diversions or junctions in the track. I was still on the ride, as insane as that was starting to feel. Had the ride somehow looped? Again after having the thought I immediately dismissed it as crazy. There’s no way I could have missed the ride building where I got on. And what kind of ride loops over and over?
The sled zoomed through the forest, oddly never seeming to lose speed despite the relatively flat grade of the track. I cursed myself for leaving my phone in the car and not wearing a watch. I don’t know exactly how long I had been on the ride at that point but it felt like I had been on the ride for a half hour, maybe more. But time is a funny thing when you’re in a situation you’ve never been in. Could have been more, could have been less, at that point.
My pride finally failed me. I started to scream for help. I screamed out that the ride was broken, to stop it, that I needed help. I did that for about ten minutes or so I think. The ride kept going. Mostly flat, level track with occasional mild dips and turns. But the simple length of the ride grew more and more unnerving and unexplainable.
I thought about just bailing out. But the ride, impossibly, was still not slowing down and chunks of mountain rock and thick tree trunks were all around me. Bailing out without risking smashing into a rock or a tree seemed impossible.
The ride kept going.
Up ahead the forest was clearing out some, I could see the forest brightening, more sunlight making it through the canopy.
I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.
The trees stopped and I had just enough time to take in a flat, open area of rock maybe 40, 50 yards at most before another sheer cliff. The tracks twisted and turned and then shot straight down. But that wasn’t the worst of it. For a moment, a very short moment, I had a clear view for miles and the landscape was, to be blunt, totally impossible. Any possibility that I had just stumbled on some incredibly long ride was blasted out of my head. Barren, volcanic looking rock stretched for miles. Jagged, black rocky outcroppings as far as the eye could see. I was in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. They don’t look like that.
I had a few moments for the terror of that view to settle in before the cart plunged into another horrifying drop. I gripped the handles of the cheap plastic sled until my knuckles turned white. The drop felt completely vertical, like I was falling at terminal velocity. I screamed. My stomach dropped and turned. I imagined the sled coming away from the track and me just plummeting screaming to my death on the rocks below. But somehow the ride still functioned. I closed my eyes tightly and just waited for whatever was going to happen. Eventually after several what felt like a full minute of steep plunging the track again leveled out, and I opened my eyes to see myself moving at breakneck speed over that black, rocky landscape.
Now that I was moving on a more or less flat horizontal track again I took a few deep breaths. I looked over the edge of the track. Nothing but that black, jagged rock, almost looking like obsidian, zooming past. I had no idea how fast the sled was moving now. Fast. Faster than a gravity powered sled should be moving. And the track was higher off the ground now. Alpine slides usually stick pretty close to the ground, but I was 20 feet or so in the air, the track suspended in the air, a simple metal tube tower like a power pylon every few yards.
Without any immediate threat and the sled moving fast but steadily and level I was able to think about my situation again, for all the good that did me. Ahead of me the track just continued to the horizon, nothing but the same rocky landscape as far as I could see. I craned my neck to look back over my shoulder and looked back behind me and it looked the same. Even the mountains were but distant specs on the horizon behind me.
This was insane. There’s not a giant seemingly endless field of black jagged rock in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. There’s no cliff faces tall and steep enough for a multi-minute vertical drop. And alpine coasters were small affairs, not major engineering projects that span miles with pylons and vertical tracks. It made no sense.
Sadly it wasn’t going to start making any more sense anytime soon.
The ride kept going.
I was on this rocky landscape for several hours. I feel comfortable saying this because I could actually notice the sun getting lower in the sky. And the sled wasn’t slowing down despite the grade of the track being flat. I was getting cramped from sitting and stretched my legs and twisted my back as best I could. Didn’t do much help. My eyes were starting to get irritated from the constant wind in them. Worst of all it was starting to get chilly. I only had on a light jacket, a windbreaker, just something to keep the breeze off me, no real insulation. I was cold, my joints were stiff, I was hungry and thirsty. My eyes watered and my throat was so dry it was sore.
But none of that was as bad as just how little sense this all made. There’s nothing like this place anywhere near the Smoky Mountains. This was like some volcanic rock landscape. The more I thought about it the less sense it made.
The ride kept going.
My mind didn’t even try to process this. Whatever I was experiencing simply couldn’t be possible. I was crazy. I was dreaming. The CIA had kidnapped me and dosed me with some new version of LSD and I was in a straightjacket in a padded room at Area 51.
The sled kept zooming along as the sky turned to dusk. Soon the bridge disappeared from my view and I continued on along the endless, rocky, featureless landscape.
I sat back against the sled, mentally and physically numb. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was cramping up. I was hungry. I had to pee. I held it for as long as I could, then had no choice but just wet myself. I cried until I had no more tears left. Then I just sat there.
The ride kept going.
By the time the sun dipped below the horizon my throat felt like sandpaper. I dug around in my jacket pockets hoping to find a stick of gum or piece of candy. Nothing. I checked again, having nothing else to do. Under a crumpled store receipt in the inner pocket of my jacket was a single old, forgotten cough drop. I unwrapped it from the paper and popped it in my mouth. Saliva flooded back into my mouth and I was overwhelmed by the methanol and medicine taste. It was something at least, although I knew it would be a brief and temporary fix at best.
I felt my eyes get heavy. It was getting colder. That mountain cold. That deep cold the mountains have even into the early spring when the sun goes down. That kind that just pulls the heat right out of you. I shivered. A terrible, horrible certainty came to me. I would ride until I passed out from exhaustion or the hypothermia set in. My body would tumble off the sled to fall and skip across the rocky ground like a stone skipping across a lake, my bones breaking as I tumbled until my body finally came to a stop. If I was lucky I would be killed and not have to lie for days, broken and bruised, on the ground until death took me.
The ride kept going. The ride kept going. The fucking ride kept going.
“Fuck you” I said to the ride, my voice a horse whisper. I pulled my jacket closer around me, for all the good it did. The cold wind was slowly but surely pulling my body heat away. My shivering got worse, crossing the line from a simple normal shiver into those deep, almost violent full body ones.. I wasn’t anything you could call an experienced outdoorsman, but I knew enough to know that wasn’t a good sign.
It was getting dark. There was a full moon at least so I wasn’t totally in the dark.
About then I noticed something. The landscape, what little I could see in the fading light, was changing. It was smoothing out, becoming less rocky and craggy. Up ahead an odd, shimmering light was starting to appear on the ground.
I was over it before I even realized what it was. The tracks were going over a smooth surface.
Water. It was a lake. The odd lights I had seen were the moon, reflected in ripples on the lake.
Within minutes I was out of the view of the land. After the nearly endless rocky landscape and everything else I had seen, it scared me how little I was shocked. I didn’t like how mentally numb I was getting. I leaned over. There was enough moonlight to see the water, 15 or 20 feet below the track. The pylons holding up the track went into the water, the light wasn’t good enough to even make a guess at how far they went down or how deep the water was.I leaned back in the sled. My eyes were red and bloodshot from the constant wind. I closed them. This was a mistake.I jerked awake. I don’t know if I dozed off for a split second or an hour. My weight had shifted and I caught myself as my center of gravity was in danger of sending me off the sled and into the water.
I screamed in anger. A deep primal scream. I hurt so bad. My joints felt like they were full of glass. My limbs were full of pins and needles. I glanced over at the water. For the first time on the very edges of my brain a tiny voice started to speak up, telling me that I could be all over if I just jumped. I shut the voice up, but it scared me still.
I sat there as the ride went on. It felt like hours. Eventually the lake ended in a rocky shore line. The damned ride. There was no safe place to bail out. If the ride slowed down, it was high in the air, if it moved toward the ground it sped up. Sharp rocks, big trees, nothing you could safely bail out into.
I kept having to force myself awake. I kept dozing off. Once I felt myself falling asleep and drove a vicious uppercut into my own nose to stave it off.
I seriously started to think about how much longer I could hang on. The voice came back again. This time I didn’t shut it up. I wasn’t admitting it to myself yet, but I was starting to think about the best way to land that would end it quickly if I needed to.
Something was ahead. The track seemed to dip into the ground. I was too tired, too beaten to even get scared. I was just resigned to whatever happened at this point.
With little warning the track took my sled into a tunnel in the ground. Everything went completely pitch black. After several moments even the dim moonlight was gone.
This was the worst part. The creepy forest, the immense rocky landscape, the eerie lake… those were bad. But this was just nothing. Nothing to look at, nothing to hear, nothing for reference or sense of where I was going. The walls of the tunnel felt like they were inches from me in every direction. The air felt thick, like there wasn’t enough oxygen.
With every moment I was in that tunnel I lost a little more hope. After a long, long time I made a decision. When I got out of this tunnel, I would jump. I didn’t care anymore. Hopefully there would be a spot where I could be certain the fall would instantly kill me. I was done. The ride had beaten me. I sat there, waiting for a chance to end this on my terms. That was all I had left.
Eventually up ahead, a tiny speck of light appeared. I gathered my strength, ready to end it. I sat up, getting my legs under me so I could jump as soon as we were clear. The sled burst out of the tunnel. The dim light of the full moon was enough to be momentarily blinding after the pitch black of the tunnel.. I gave my eyes a moment to adjust.
I was back in a normal looking Appalachian forest. Rolling hills, green trees. The air smelled of pine again. I heard an owl hoot off somewhere.
Slowly I lowered myself back into a setting position, in shock. At first I refused to believe it but the ride was slowing down. I held still, making sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, but no, the cheap plastic sled that had been my world for what felt like an eternity was slowing down.
Up ahead, a structure was visible, peeking out from among the trees in the dim lighting as the sled moved down the track.
It was the Alpine Slide building. The crappy fake red barn where I had boarded this cursed ride so long ago. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, sure it was either my mind or the cursed ride playing tricks with me. But the building stayed there.
It grew closer and closer. The track leveled completely out. The sled slowed down more. Before I had the time to really come to terms with it I arrived back at the building.
The sled slowed to a stop, gently pumping against another sled parked on the track. I sat there for a few moments, gasping in great big gulping fear breaths, trying to assure myself the ride didn’t have one last trick of its sleeve.
I looked around. The place was empty, deserted. The overhead lights were still on and the old Pepsi machine still glowed and buzzed, but the ticket booth was dark and empty, a metal gate pulled down over the ticket window.
Suddenly it hit me that I was free and I practically leapt out of the sled and onto the platform. I immediately collapsed. My legs were jelly and my head was spinning. I tried to stand up again and doubled over, dry heaving. Have you ever been out on a boat for a day and have that weird reverse motion sickness when you’re back on solid land? It was like that times a hundred. My inner ear was literally pounding, all the motion had really done a number on it.
I laid there for a few moments and eventually forced myself to stand up on my two wobbling legs. I looked around, a horrible certainty creeping into my mind that there would be no exit, no way off the platform but to my relief an exit turnstyle, one of those full height ones, was set into the fence that surrounded the ride property.
I went through it and found myself back on the main road. The truckstop was still there, still open but far less busy. My car sat in the same corner of the parking lot I had left it.
I allowed myself one look back, just one quick one. The metal skeleton of the Alpine Slide track sat there, dark and quiet but otherwise normal.
I stumbled-ran back to my car, dug the keys out of my pocket, and collapsed inside. When the door shut I let out a primal scream, the tons of fear and confusion and anger all fusing into a single, raw emotion. I screamed again and again.
After a few moments I felt like I was emotionally at least back to a place where I could act, although I wasn’t sure yet what to do next. Not really knowing what to do I cranked the car. The A/C had been on low when I shut off the car and it came roaring back to life and cold air blowing on me almost sent me back into a full on panic attack. I fumbled with the climate controls until the air stopped blowing directly on me, then calmed down enough to turn the heat on, helping to get the chill out of my bones. There was a half full bottle of water in the center console cup holder and I grabbed it and chugged it. Nothing ever tasted as good before or sense as that few ounces of water.
That was when I noticed the clock on the radio head unit. It was 4:17 in the morning. It had been about one, one thirty or so in the afternoon when I got on the accursed ride.
Over 15 hours. I had been on the goddamn ride for over 15 hours. Over half a day.
I just sat there. Warming up. Calming down. I was exhausted. I was dehydrated. I can’t even describe how my head felt. I probably had at least a minor case of hypothermia. I thought about going into the gas station and asking for help but what would I even say, and more than anything I just wanted to get away from this place. And I just wanted to get away. I wanted to be nowhere near that damn ride.
I put the Camaro in gear and pulled into the street and in panic I immediately slammed on the brakes. I was lucky there was no traffic on the road at that moment. The feeling of accelerating to just normal surface street speeds made me sick to my stomach. I gathered myself and very slowly accelerated the car I usually treated with a very heavy foot up to 30 miles an hour. Every time I tried to accelerate at a pace faster than “Old Lady Going to Church, Uphill” I would have a panic attack. I was okay once I was up to speed, but accelerating freaked me out after being on that ride.
I drove about 30 minutes, putting some arbitrary amount of distance between myself and the coaster. Eventually I made it back to where the twisty mountain road met back up with a major road that would eventually meet back up with the highway. After a few more minutes of driving I saw the onramp for the highway. There was one of those big truckstop travel plazas and pulled in, parking right up at the door. I smelled like pee and I can only imagine how I looked, but I didn’t care.
I kept a couple of emergency 20s in the back of my wallet and spent it on the biggest bottle of water the store had, an overpriced bottle of eye drops, and a huge travel mug of coffee. The clerk looked at me as if he was expecting me to either drop dead or rob him the entire time.
Back in my car I downed the coffee. I put a few eye drops in each of my eyes and sat there as the caffeine took effect until I felt like I could make it back to my apartment. The sun was just coming up when I finally pulled out of the truck stop and got on the freeway. I slowly, very slowly, accelerated up to highway speed, put the Camaro in cruise control, and let the miles start to drift away. I turned on the radio, I needed to hear human voices. Every time my mind went back to what had just happened I turned the radio up louder, eventually drowning it out with painful levels of rock music. I wasn’t ready to think about it yet. Yes looking back I know I was just in denial. I finally made it back to the crappy little apartment I had off campus, a little two story walk up studio. I let myself in and collapsed on the cheap couch. I was asleep before I even had the time to decide whether or not to do anything else. I woke up later that afternoon. I took a shower and ate a meal and didn’t think about the ride. I washed the pee stained filthy clothes I had been wearing and didn’t think about the ride. I went back to class and didn’t think about the ride. Every time I thought about the ride I forced it out of my head. I’m sure this wasn’t the most mentally healthy thing to do but what can you say?
I didn’t forget about it, don’t be silly. This isn’t the kind of thing you forget. One day while looking up something else in the university’s library my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up the Alpine Slide. No website but a few Google Map and Yelp mentions. None of them mentioned anything weird, certainly nothing even remotely like what I experienced. Near as I can tell it closed sometimes in the winter of 2012.
Life went on. I mean, that’s what it does. The next day was a little better. And the day after that a little better. And the day after that a little better still. I met a nice girl. Graduated. Got married. Got a nice house in the suburbs. Got a dog. Had a daughter. Spent a lot of time happy and not thinking about being trapped on an endless alpine coaster.And that was my life for many, many years after that.
Until a few weeks back when as a very different person I found myself driving a boring and safe mid sized family SUV through those same mountains. My wife Carol, 5 months pregnant, sat in the passenger seat, our 6 year old daughter Emily in a booster seat in the back, and Max our mixed breed mutt next to her. It had been a nice pleasant trip, driving back from visiting her folks.
I hadn’t thought about that fucking ride in so long I barely registered that I was in the same general area until it was too late. Suddenly I realized that little mountain tourist trap town was only a few minutes down the road. I swallowed hard and gripped the steering wheel hard. Carol was looking out the window at the scenery and Emily was deep into some kid’s Youtube video on an iPad. I forced myself to keep my breath steady as we rounded the corner.The town was still there, sorta. Time had not been kind to it. The gas station was still there, at some point it had been bought out by Shell. The tourist trap shops were still there. One of them was now a vape shop. The diner was closed, the building looking like it sat unused for a long time.
But of course that’s not what I cared about. A looked over at the site where the Alpine Coaster once stood. It was gone. The kitschy fake barn was gone. The site was just a bare concrete slab with a chainlink fence around it. Faded “no trespassing” and “for sale” signs hung off the fence. A pile of old, decaying lumber that might have once long ago been part of the structure covered part of the old lot. No sign of the track remained outside of some old concrete support posts dotting the side of the mountain.
I exhaled out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in. Soon the little town disappeared in my rear view mirror.
About a half hour later we stopped for gas. I pulled up to a gas pump across from a massive motorhome. Max stuck his head out the window and started barking at a little white dog, a toy breed of some kind, in the window of the motorhome. Carol and Emily immediately headed into the store to restock on snacks while I fueled up.
I stood there, a half smile on my lips as Max barked and wagged his tail in an attempt to attract the attention of the other dog while I filled up the tank, said dog doing an admirable job of ignoring him.
Right about the time I finished fueling up and cleaning the bugs off the windshield Carol returned from inside the store, Emily in tow, arms filled with two full sized bags of Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips and what looked to be a half dozen individually wrapped pickles.
I raised an eyebrow at the collection of food but knew better than to question a pregnant woman's snack choices.
“Should we take Max for a quick walk?” Carol asked. The travel plaza had a nice little gated dog walking area off to the side.
“Yeah probably not a bad idea, he’s been cooped up in the car for a few hours.” I said. Max, upon hearing his name and the word “walk” , forgot about the other dog and upgraded from wagging his tail to wagging his entire body while making whining sounds and staring right at me.
About this time I became half aware that the big motor home next to us was pulling away. I didn’t think much of it, outside of doing a quick automatic mental check to make sure Emily was well clear of the moving vehicle, but she was safely between me and our SUV, well out of the way.
But that was when Emily looked behind me and cheerfully yelled “Daddy look a roller coaster! Can I ride the coaster?”
It’s cliche as fuck I know but my blood went cold.
I turned around slowly, certain in my knowledge that terrible old decrepit Alpine Coaster would be there, having just popped into existence to trap me again.
That.. is not what I saw. Sure enough there was a coaster there, one I hadn’t noticed earlier because it had mostly been blocked by the motor home, but there it was. It was even an Alpine Coaster.
But it was not the same coaster I had encountered those years ago. That was immediately obvious. It was a small but modern and newish looking setup with neon lights and a bunch of people. There was an actual building where you bought tickets and a little snack stand.
“Daddy! Can we go on the coaster!” Emily asked again.
My mouth made motions but no words came out. I glanced over at Carol, hoping she’d say we didn’t have time but to my horror she smiled and said “You know what? That does sound like fun. Daddy will take you while I take Max for a walk.”
My mind raced, trying to think of a way to get out of it. But Emily was already dragging me across the parking lot to the entrance.
I patted my pocket, making sure my phone was in it. Every fiber of my being was screaming to run away. I slept walked through the line and the ticket booth while Emily bounced happily.
We got into a two seat plastic sled. This one was actually a lot nicer than the one my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about. It had two nice cushioned seats, big grab handles, even a nice rollbar.
The sled started up the track. I fought back the panic. I swerved my head around, keeping the building in my view. I was terrified of losing sight of it. We made it to the top and Emily did a happy squeal as we started down the side of the mountain.
My heart raced. Any second, any second my mind told me we’d lose sight of the building and then the ride would never end. The ride sped down the mountain. My mind tortured me with thoughts of not only going through it again, but seeing Emily go through it. The ride went around a big, banking turn. Emily kept shouting happily. How long before Carol reported us missing I wondered? Could I keep Emily calm? What if it lasted even longer this time? What if this time it never ended?
And then we were back at the start of the ride. The same attendant who had helped us into the sled was helping Emily out. I stepped out. The attendant gave me a brief look but said nothing. I guess I looked a little wild eyed.
I was fine. Emily was fine. It had been a perfectly normal, fun ride.
“That was fun Daddy! Thank you!” Emily said. I forced a smile back. “It was fun.” I responded, hoping like I sounded like I meant it.
I took Emily’s hand and we walked back to the car. Max saw us coming and barked happily. Carol looked up from the pint of Ben and Jerry’s she had somehow acquired and added to her snack collection while we were gone and smiled at us.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
“It was so fun Mommy!” Emily said.
Carol smiled down at her, but then looked at me and frowned. “Are you okay?” Carol could read my face a lot better than the attendant could. “You’re pale.”
I smiled and this time the smile felt real. “Ya know what. Yeah, I think I am okay.”
Carol looked a little puzzled, but didn’t press it. We loaded Emily back in her booster seat, stopped Max from trying desperately to eat half a discarded gas station hot dog off the ground and got him back in the car. Carol and her small collection of snack food took her place in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's seat.I smiled. I cranked the car. I put it in gear. I pulled out of the gas station and back on the road, this time accelerating just a little faster than I had in years.

One thing I want to make clear before I start writing is that I love my mother with all my heart and I would give my life for hers, that being said she has always displayed some traits that have always seemed weird to me. She hates and when I say hate I mean HATES anything to do with combat sports. I will give some background round on this as my father was a boxer with a amateur record of 95-5 and Professional of 17-0. But anytime I say something related to combat sports she freaks out and acts like I’m throwing my life away to violence or I’m going to be a fighter myself. She also gets very weird and somewhat creepy with the girls I like. I am into Asian women but my mother gets mad at me for this and she is always asking me what type of women I like and when I say Asian she gets pissed and refuses to talk to me until I apologize. Another thing is I do not feel comfortable discussing my future life with her as she will get pissed at me for not living the life she has pictured for me like being a doctor or lawyer. When I brought this up to her she got mad again. Earlier this year I asked if I could go to a sleepover and she said no because she thinks sleepovers are gay for boys. I also asked her if I could join the wrestling team and she asked if I was gay and wanted another man’s crotch in my face. Another thing she does is sexualize everything, for example I used to have a buddy on Xbox Named Gerbals ( yes that is how it was spelt ) and she asked if he liked to shove gerbils up his rectum as that is something that she heard of in the 70s ( I still have no clue what she was referencing ). This list doesn’t mean I have any Ill will towards my mother as I love her and she loves me but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading this and have a great day.

This is long to read if your on mobile (I am) any advice helps, thanks.
I, (17f) am about to be a senior in high school and I’ve kind of realized how behind I feel in life.
For background I have very strict parents, and one of them is emotionally absent (I think she’s a narcissist but we will never know) and I don’t think she likes me very much. That’s besides the point however, but she’s kind of hands off in my life not in the “I don’t care what you do” way, but in the “I don’t want you to do anything but school and home” way but she won’t help me do anything else.
My dad however he’s involved more with me and I really appreciate him, but he’s still strict in the sense that if I go somewhere he has to be the one to take me and bring me back, and I have to let him know weeks in advance. This makes it really inconvenient for me socially because we live in the middle of nowhere. Or not nowhere, but an EXTREMELY car dependent area. Like a shopping center a 10 minute drive away, but a 3 hour walk along a narrow empty road kind of nowhere. Meaning no public transport, and without him I’m physically stuck at home. (Ubers not allowed). My parents also don’t really do family bonding stuff to get new experiences. Every somewhat interesting experience I’ve had in my life thus far has come from my oldest brother and his fiance who I also consider my sister who are both twice my age. Meaning I can’t really relate to them on a personal level, but since my brother knows how my parents are he really makes and effort to be there and help me in basically everything. Like if I didn’t have him, I’d never know what an amusement park like six flags is like, I would never have been to Panera bread, I’d never see a movie, id be typing this on a leapfrog, and I’d literally never do anything. at all. That’s how mundane my parents lives are and since they’re older(60s), and come from a really rough life (they migrated here) they’re kind of content with work, home, eat, sleep, repeat. Maybe once in a blue moon go out to eat, or shop at a department store for furniture or something. My mom in particular has also kind of given up being a parent because of me and my siblings age gap, it’s like I’m a ghost to her. I do a lot of stuff myself not by choice. Like If I was told to pack only my things and go, I’d literally pack my entire room. Everything in it except for the mattress and major furniture was purchased by me, or my brother and sister (his fiance). All my shoes, 80% of my clothes, and all else have been bought by me/siblings since I was 15 i think?
I’ve never had a family trip/vacation even to like somewhere local/close. Everywhere we go has to have some sort of legitimate purpose, and when I bring this up to my parents they bring up those types of trips. “Remember when we went to Florida!” But we stayed for literally a day and a half soley for the purpose of attending my brother’s graduation when I was like 8. “Remember when we went to Canada” again for a day and a half just for some church program thing (super Christian). Again when I was like 12. I’m too young to do anything for fun in their eyes or take public transport, but I’m allowed to have my job. Even then I can’t work more than once a week because they’ll complain about having to take me and pick me up as I’m reliant on them for transportation. I’ve been pushing them to get my lisence, but they keep stalling for god knows why. And to knock this out, no they are not financially struggling. On top of that I have no family aside from them/my siblings in the US, so I literally have nobody. My brother, I love him and his help but I feel like I’m holding him back from truly being able to let them go and be free of constant contact with them for other reasons, because he still wants to be in my life and help me.
Earlier I said one of my parents is emotionally absent, it’s no secret but it’s my mom, pretty sure she hates me and I don’t know why, but I’m over it. Suddenly after I turned 11 she just has this constant need to argue with me, put me down, or literally do anything just to assume the worst of me or not be happy for me. The issue with that is, she also doesn’t DO anything. My dad does literally EVERYTHING. He cooks, he takes me to school, he picks me up, he takes me to the doctor, he goes to any ceremonies, everything. It’s so bad that some of my friends deliberately avoided bringing up mothers because they thought my dad was a single dad (my mom is hands off my life so I never bring her up and she’s never in a position to meet them). So I feel 10x guilty anytime I want to even go to the grocery store because I know it’s going to fall on my dad alone and I don’t want to make it harder for him when he does a lot already. I can’t go out with any friends, but when I want to do something alone I can’t do it because it’s suspicious that I want to do it alone. Relationships have always been out of the question, the romance isn’t worth the shit show aftermath at home. And as I get older when I see people my age driving, going out, getting piercings, dye jobs, tattoos, doing weekday shifts, relationships, it kind of hits me that I’m literally so behind and have accomplished nothing outside of academics. It’s led to “what’s the point” thoughts which I have to work through alone because just my luck in the eyes of my parents depression and sewerslidal thoughts are diseases. It’s so bad that when my mom (shocker) asked me if I was depressed a few days ago I instantly said no because I knew it was not genuine. It was 100% bait that would’ve turned into a long lecture as to why I’m wrong even though I hate to self diagnose but I honestly think I have been for a while. The constant isolation (not by choice) has gotten terrible to the point where I’m starting to hear shit and see shit when I’m alone and it’s kind of freaking me out. My one and only vice is impulsive spending online because I literally have nothing to look forward to having money for.
My brothers done so much for me. He bought me my first phone, everything. I keep telling myself to just wait until I’m 18 to live life, but I then think I’d still have missed a decent or somewhat normal high school experience. All that alone time gives me the opportunity to learn a lot of random stuff, and I always end up viewed as the “mature” or “smart-experienced-therapist-like” figure (key word figure because I’m NONE of that) in my friendships and it sucks because due to past experiences of opening up to my mom, I have trouble expressing how I feel to others. No im not mature and handling my own, I just have no idea how to talk about my issues/feelings to others in person. Like no I’m not some know it all fortune teller. Sometimes I literally just want to have someone to feel stupid with you know? Like I want to be able to leave my brain at home with someone and not feel like I’m breaking character or something. I hate being told I carry myself maturely, or I’m an old soul or down to earth by people older than me etc. I don’t want to be. I hate being looked at weird or with wide eyes when I laugh, smile, or joke because for some reason people think it’s not “like me”. I don’t even know what to do, or where to start. Everyone thinks I just have shit sorted and just make moves in silence or something when I’m literally in crisis. I feel weird to even cry, ME a 17 year old girl feels like it’s a crime to cry infront of anyone. None of my friends have ever seen me cry. And I almost did once infront of two of them because of a really bad moment of clarity that my life sucks. They just stared at me like I was some specimen because they didn’t know I was capable of crying I guess? If anyone even reads this I don’t even know what to do. I don’t even know if I make any sense. And I read this over and edited it in less detail because I think my feelings are corny and it sounds stupid and ik that’s my problem even on Reddit UGH.
And disclaimer, no I am not a danger to myself or anyone else, I’m not itching to kick the bucket it’s just a big “ugh” moment.

So I’m trying to work out if I’m in the wrong. We had people round to our house this evening, both good sets of friends who each have 2 children of similar ages. My husband and I have no children by choice which everyone is aware of. We’re all in our mid 40’s and we see one couple more often than the others purely because they live close by. We regularly have this couple over to our house with their children and we go round theirs, albeit we feel like we’ve seen them less and less lately. All the children are between 8 and 10.
The couple we see less often said the mother in the couple we see regularly wants to hang out with them more because they want to be with people who understand what it’s like to be a parent because they don’t have to worry about anything then. We had a bit of a discussion about this because I don’t really understand why it matters if we understand what it’s like to be a parent or not. They and their children are always welcome at our house and we love hanging out with them. But this person said that when they have their children here they have to be a different version of themselves and parent the children which means they can’t be the ‘fun version of them we’re expecting them to be’. I think I was feeling a little sensitive already but I got a bit upset by this. I’m not expecting anyone to be anything or anyone and I’m fully aware of how stressful it is to be a parent. This person just kept telling me I didn’t understand (not in a patronising way I should add, he was trying to be nice) and that it didn’t matter that it made me sad to hear they felt they couldn’t hang out with us, I should think about it from this mothers point of view. There was a lot more to it than that but that was the main jist and it just made me terribly sad that I was being left out because I’m not a parent so I couldn’t possibly understand anything. It felt like they were saying when they come here with their kids they don’t have as much fun as when they don’t have them so they only want to hang out with other parents when the kids are around because we don’t understand what it’s like. Am I right to be upset or does he have a point? I feel a bit insulted but am I just being over sensitive and I should listen to him? I also wasn’t sure why it would be any different if we did or didn’t have kids. Like if we had kids they’d come over and worry about being a parent but because we would also have kids that was somehow less bad than being around us because we don’t understand? He said it was because they wouldn’t have to even think about it if they’re with other parents because they just know. Oh man, I’m so confused!

I'm at the point in this (grueling) process where I am turning to the internet for unbiased commentary, guys. Somebody, anybody lol
After 30 years on this planet, many friendships and a few boyfriends, I don't think I've ever just stopped talking to anybody without some kind of a departing conversation. In most situations I think the fair thing to do is amicably go separate ways, both know where the other stands, etc.
Until 2 wks ago when I felt like I was being played and chose to go No Contact with a guy I've been in a 'situationship' with since the Fall. But the way I chose to go about it has me feeling like I did it wrong...and I need advice before I do something too nice like reach back out.
I'm going to spare the full story but just know there were little things that led up to the big thing lol. And if you've been in that stage of seeing someone where you don't know what you guys are, but they're telling you it is going somewhere, this ones for us baby, Cheers.
Let's just say this guy has decently important job, where he's in the process of leveling up in his career (or so I know). He's busy and I've respected that. We make time when it works, which is usually at night and I always accepted that. Our relationship started in the gym, and I'll admit is mainly intimate; we're together at night, talk most of our days thru work, and don't get a lot of time to go out/date. For what it's worth, I'd been committed to him and we agreed we were exclusive (or I would not be involved with what we're doing).
His birthday was coming up. When I asked what he'd like to do, he said it wasn't a big deal this year, that he would be working and he doesn't care to celebrate (go out). That felt odd but I figured since it fell on a weekday it made sense, and that we'd still be together that night after work.
We spoke the morning of his birthday, he said he was working all day and we agreed if he wanted to do anything together later on he'd let me know what's up after work... this man didn't call me til 11PM.
The next day when we spoke, he said he ended up going to the gym and then out to dinner with a co worker very last minute. I was left under the impression he was busy with work!
The day after that he added on to the story that the co worker was a female, I had to ask. A female, married, long time friend and coworker he said I didn't need to worry about. This person met him for dinner at 9PM on a week night on HIS BIRTHDAY without her husband, or me.
I feel like this warranted a reevaluation of what we wanted together convo... both attempts did not go well or get me anywhere. I won't get into how, but just know he basically shut the convo down twice yet still tried to act like everything was fine by continuing to talk to me daily, ask when I was coming over etc. Meanwhile I was stewing, confused, and just trying to process and plan.
Granted, we're not in "a relationship". But I feel so disrespected and it changed my outlook on what I thought we had entirely. All things considered I just know I deserve better than that treatment, and even if this co worker is really just a friend, it's not just that he had his bday dinner with another woman alone. It's that he didn't choose me.
So a week, one last time hooking up (don't judge me please), and some small talk over those few days later, I've just stopped responding to him. I woke up one day and I felt like I deserved way more reassurance than I got and that I just let him slide. The birthday situation just doesn't sit right.
He's called a lot and from multiple numbers. But the few texts he's sent aren't endearing at all. He hasn't apologized, asked what he did, and hasn't professed any love LOL, now he just wants to know if I'm really going to ignore him.
DO I OWE HIM AN EXPLANATION?! Was my timing way off and confusing? Or does he know why?
I don't think he is a bad person. He's just not ready for me.
I went No Contact to protect myself but I also left the line open to see how he acts and what he says. I'm grown enough to know that if the man couldn't live without me I wouldn't be writing to Reddit. So I'll do the math there.....but do I at least owe him a response, or is it better to do what I'm doing?
My empath heart is going to pop help :(

I don’t know what I want out of this, probably to just get it off my chest. My husband and I (both 38) have been together since about 16 yrs old, almost 24 years, with 4 kids.
I know I have always loved him more, maybe even slightly obsessed. I think he is fine as hell, smart, successful, witty, and a great dad. All that said, I’m convinced he really dislikes me. He says he’s just jealous, and gets irritated at things I do/dont do.
I feel like I can never do anything right. I have too much anxiety, I don’t make enough money, I don’t clean enough, I drink too much and smoke too much and the list goes on. Some of those things he just insinuates and some thing’s he has said.
I feel like I have done everything in my power to keep him happy, but it’s never enough. For my birthday this year, we did absolutely nothing, not even a card. I still got up with all the kids, did laundry, cooked dinner, ran to sports, and still came home to service him, because I like to. Mother’s Day, I still did all the normal mom things, after he brought the kids to get a card and flowers the day of. I feel like I’m an afterthought, but the minute I do something wrong, I get reminded immediately.
I have always been a rule follower, and he was the opposite. When we were younger he turned it around and has been successful. I make almost $100k less than him, but I also have flexibility that he does not have, I take care of the kids and all the appointments and what not. If I had a corporate job, I wouldn’t be able to do everything I currently do. He doesn’t look at it this way though. I do nothing for myself. At almost 40 I am feeling very lost in life, I don’t have a college degree, I don’t have hobbies, very few friends, I don’t know who I am or want to be. I just want to be happy and successful in the eyes of my husband and kids.
I have spent the last 14 years either pregnant or nursing. I stayed in the house taking care of everything while he went to work, school, or even to his friends to hang out. When he was out having fun, I was taking care of my kids, because this is what I signed up for. I never complain, because I chose this. Now that my kids are a little older, I can finally go out and do things. Every time I do though, I make some mistake. I get too drunk and say stupid things, I recently started smoking after my kids are asleep so I can relax and have me time. He hates it. He has so many stipulations and opinions and I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. He doesn’t see this.
I want to run away. I feel like I will never be the mom or wife I thought I would be. I want to be with my husband, I just want to feel loved and appreciated. I know that if something happened to me, he would finally realize what I actually do for him, our kids, and our house.

My boyfriend is a trans man. The problem is, I like girls. We fell in love before he knew he was a man. At first I thought we couldn't be together, but I came to realize I'm still attracted to him even after he's been changing the last couple years.
I like ONE man. My boyfriend. But he says he's doesn't like feeling like the exception. He wants someone who will talk to him about other hot men. My boyfriend wears a binder, has grown facial hair, leg hair, and dresses masculinly. Everything made me uncomfortable at first because I didn't know what that makes ME. But even through my uncertainty I never hesitated to hug kiss or hold him. I never felt embarrassed to be seen holding hands, never had trouble performing in the bed room.
He is positive he does NOT want bottom-surgery, and that works out perfectly for me because I'm not attracted to penises. I'd understand if we couldn't be together because he wanted one. But if he is sure he wants to keep his vagina, and I haven't lost attraction to him, why isn't that enough?
My heart is killing me because I want to like men like he does, because he says he feels like "the odd one out" since he's the only one who likes men.
What does it make me that I like women and ONE man. I don't feel it's fair at all to identify as a gay man when I haven't gone through all the struggles a gay person goes through where they discover they love the same sex. What does it make me that I am still hopelessly attracted and in love with someone who looks like and IS a man?
And more importantly, can someone explain what they are feeling? Maybe a trans person could relate? Is there no chance for us because I'm straight with one acception?

Hi I’m a 29 year old female. When I was 13, I fell pregnant. This wasn’t a consensual relationship, I was a virgin who didn’t really even know how babies were made, i still played with barbies, I was raped by my friends 23 year old brother during a sleepover.
I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t know I was pregnant, Id only started my periods a few months prior so there absence didn’t concern me and like I said, I didn’t really know how babies were made beyond the basics. I found out I was pregnant at 29 weeks when I went to ER with my parents for stomach pain.
My parents were very angry at me despite the circumstances. He was convicted and imprisoned. They tried to find a doctor who’d give me an abortion but none would due to gestation. They said I had to give the baby up and I went along with it, I had no support from them and I grew up having a very cold relationship with them. When my daughter was born I was inconsolable and didn’t want to give her up. I refused to and my daughter was forcefully taken from me at the hospital. After which I was hysterical and had to be sedated. I made attempts on my life in the months after that. I was then put in to boarding school, where I stayed until I was 18.
It wasn’t an open adoption, I was allowed to leave a letter with her and I also left her my necklace which was my prized possession at the time. The adoptive mother stated she wanted no contact which I was devastated about but the social worker told me I could have contact when she turned 18. After I turned 18 and left boarding school, I moved in with my Nan whilst attending university. My Nan gave me so much love and care and was very disappointed in my parents (my Nan had no knowledge of me even being pregnant)
When I was 21 I graduated and I also got pregnant, that relationship didn’t work out but I’ve since married and had 3 more children. But I’ve never stopped thinking about my first born. I gave birth to her on my 14th birthday so we share a birthday and every birthday I feel like I’m grieving. I go through periods of just crying and staying in bed feeling guilty at what I’d done. I still feel so guilty and I can’t cope with guilt.
Anyway, my daughter who is now 15 found me on Facebook 2 weeks ago (I have a distinct name and I still use my maiden name on there) she messaged me an angry message and then blocked me so I couldn’t even respond.
She messaged me saying that she hates me and I’m dead to her, she told me how much she loves her adoptive mother and as far as she’s concerned I don’t exist. She says I’ve turned her in to a “messed up person” She told me how she thought I was a disgusting person for giving her up for adoption because I wanted to “enjoy life without the burden of a child” her words. She called me a slut (among other words) and questioned why I was having sex at 13. She said that she hoped my other children die and called them racist terms (they are mixed) because she is angry that I kept them and not her and that she felt that meant I wasn’t good enough. She then went on to say her adoptive mother told her that
1: My parents (her bio grandparents) wanted her but I refused to look after her and wanted her to be adopted.
2: I wanted an abortion and told adoptive mother that I wished I could have had an abortion
3: That adoptive mother had reached out to me when I was 21 and pregnant with her first sibling to ask if I wanted contact, and I (according to her birth mum) said I didn’t care about her and wanted to forget the whole thing and asked her not to contact me again.
4: That I was sleeping around with a lot of men my age and didn’t know her bio dad as I’d been with so many male school friends which is why I got sent to boarding school because I was “out of control”
All the above are just outright lies. I am glad she doesn’t know the circumstances of her conception, I’d be happy if bio mum had told her for example that her father was a childhood boyfriend of mine because the truth is something she shouldn’t know until she’s older, but to suggest I was sleeping around with multiple men at the age of 13 and didn’t know who he was is disgusting when it’s not true.
Im not able to contact her back because she’s blocked me. I’ve looked at her profile from my husbands account, I’ve seen her bio mums Facebook profile but I don’t intend to contact either of them as much as I want to because I guess I will just tell her everything when she’s 18 if she wants to hear it because perhaps now is not the appropriate age.
Her mums Facebook shows that she is her only child, that she’s now divorced (her and her husband adopted my daughter so she’s since divorced him) they seem very close and have lots of pictures together.
Her Facebook is concerning and it’s public so I could see everything. She posts quotes about depression and anxiety, has scars on her wrists which I fear may be SH scars) writes status’ such as “no body cares about me I may as well just die” constantly posts pictures laying in a hospital bed.
I have since informed social services about what I’ve seen on Facebook and they’ve just told me that they can not discuss this with me due to confidentiality as she’s legally not my child but have said they can assure me that they are doing everything necessary to ensure she is ok.
I don’t really know what to do. She has a false impression of me told by her adoptive mother. None of which is true, she was so wanted and I’ve never got over it. I now fear that her thinking I rejected her and didn’t want her and she wasn’t good enough has led to some serious mental health issues and potentially these will only get worse or she could harm herself very badly based on lots of lies.
I want her to know I love her, I want her to know I wanted her but I was forced to give her up, I want her to know that I still love her and always will and that I’d do anything for her. I want to tell her I was never contacted by adoptive mother and had I have been I would have jumped at the opportunity to even just talk to my daughter. I want to tell her that I do know her bio father and I wasn’t sleeping with multiple men (although the truth regarding the rape shouldn’t be disclosed right now) I just want her to know all of this, but I’m powerless until she is 18. I have been told if I message her from a different account since I’m blocked I could face legal charges.
I am so scared of her hurting herself based on lies. Her adoptive mum whilst I believe does love her, has poisoned my daughter against me in an attempt to get my daughter to hate me because she doesn’t want daughter potentially coming back to me or forming a relationship with me and her getting pushed out, so she’s said all of this to make that impossible so she will be her only mother.
But that’s to the detriment of my daughter, my daughter clearly has mental health issues and whilst they could be from other things I know that feeling unloved, unwanted and having being told this information that is outright lies must be weighing heavily on her and making her feel inadequate. I can’t imagine if I was adopted and I heard things like that about my bio mum, it would devastate me and I would hate myself.
I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this post just looking for advice. I can contact her in 3 years. But I’m scared in those 3 years something bad could happen with the way her mental health is, and that something bad may happen without her knowing the truth about how much I love her.
I’ve been off sick from work since, I have been an emotional wreck. I just hope she’s okay even if she does hate me. Of course I’d love to tell her the truth but more than anything I want her to know the truth for the sake of her own mental well-being even if that means she still doesn’t want to speak to me. Social services just keep telling me that they can’t discuss anything with her about me beyond the basics of the fact that she’s adopted. The rest is down to adoptive mother to disclose if she wishes. When she is 18 she will get access to her file and know the true circumstances but until then, everything she knows is based on lies.

Hi all, I finished the novel (chapter 400-401) after having read the Manhwa.
All in all I would give a 6/10 to this fiction, and a big disappointment (good early novel, bad late novel).
Here's why IMHO:
FULL SPOILERS AHEAD 👇

• I like the novel until the 40th floor. After that, it feels like the author got lazy and just wanted to rush the floors. Why make a 100-floor tower if you keep finding shortcuts so that MC can skip or speedrun the floors? Floors 40-50, Floors 50-60, Floors 90-99, etc etc (honestly I can't remember them all).
• It's overly emotional. It's just my opinion, but it was too much for me. I liked the "Romance" arc where he met Raviel. I think the arc with the trauma of Lefanta Aegim / Kim Yul was good too. But beyond that I was fed up with all the drama and misery and people feeling depressed or lonely or whatever for no reason. I found it whiny. It's like the single focus of the novel (the author explains it was indeed his goal in chapter 401 which is an Author Note). I think it's a culture thing, I often read Asian fictions (Japanese/Korean/Chinese) and they have a different culture around emotions. As a Westerner this just feels weird and exaggerated to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I just want fights, I'm saying I felt the balance was off here.
• The actual end was anticlimactic. The author built up the MC's ambition of overthrowing the Tower Master because her way was "wrong" and he wanted to relieve her of her duties... But no, it all ends with a drink with MC, Sword Emperor, and Tower Master. MC becomes "an executive" of the tower and seems happy with it – talk about Korean life goals of becoming VP something at Samsung 🤦. There is no "big reveal" at the end. No victory either. In a sense no... Climax. The choice of revealing the Tower Master early was very bold, but then no surprise was left for the end? All the pillars got omitted at the end, no face-off, no nothing. The Tower did not change for a bit, still the same system, still the same everything.
• I have read very similar manhwas/novels, and in many ways SSS-Class was better (before chapter 40). For example the chapters 30-40 felt very original to me and I loved the whole idea. But I think SSS-class completely missed the Post-40th floor part of the story. For instance, Second Life Ranker (also a Tower-based story) does a way better job at building up climaxes and keeping a good pace. Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint (not in a Tower but still a similar notion of "scenarios" that are like stages/levels) or Tower of God also do a better job with the pace IMHO.
• It's a shame this story was great in so many ways but too rushed and overly emotional IMHO.
• Still I want to extend my most sincere thanks to the Author Shin Noah (신노아) and to the translation team of [WeTriedTLS](https://wetriedtls.com/series/sss-class-hunter-who-dies-to-live), Shout out to the translator Ryuu and to the editor Abstract). The Author is now actually writing a new novel: "[I'm an Infinite Regressor, But I've Got Stories to Tell](https://wetriedtls.com/series/im-an-infinite-regressor-but-ive-got-stories-to-tell)". I don't plan on reading it now as I was disappointed by the previous one, but if there are good reviews (people telling the previous flaws of the author are now fixed) then I might give it a shot!

Thanks for reading all.
Would love to hear your opinion as well!

I swear he’s back on the site or do whatever in the bathroom for hrs again. We actually or I had a good night last night . We were supposed to eat , he had me look up stuff but was putting off leaving. It’s a summer time thing I think lol. I just don’t want to think of everything that’s happened. I love him and dislike him at times. I’m sure he likes me a quarter of the time. At least that’s how he makes me feel like right now. I don’t complain I ask for him to treat me how he wants to be treated. Yet I am horrible for having conversations about him with my ex . He has done whatever I haven’t and won’t . I don’t know anyone out here to even talk to someone. I am definitely trying to just get out more. Uhh. Who do I talk to when the person who needs to hear it won’t listen. Ok , maybe two times he’s heard me like actually listening and acknowled that he heard what I was feeling. Some cases there is no wrong or right. Why do we both lie? Him about .. um .. ya look back . Mine is stupid… and immature and bored . They are not excuses just how I’m feeling. I’d never see anyone else much less an ex. I don’t like the feeling of. I don’t like how we hide stuff . I’ve never seen someone act as he does. I just don’t understand it and I’ve really tried bc I love him. It’s obvious I shotry so hard anymore. I’m stupid for thinking this is ganna be something it’s not and it’s been shown to me time n time again what he wants in a relationship. Not. Me I can tell you that. Ugh back to my game. I hate days when I have to just vent or type here

I used to be a complete loner (unable to feel close to anyone i don’t even have friends) that’s suicidal before meeting my long distance boyfriend. when i met him i felt suicidal significantly less..we’ve been together for 8 months now and he knows that i’m not leaving him. he was better at first, i kinda saw red flags but they aren’t like now. he’s recently treating me like absolute shit on a daily basis, picking gaming with his friends than being with me, and when he’s with me all he does is screenshare and watch tiktoks, no quality time where we talk. tells me i’m the worst girlfriend ever, ignores me in calls a lot, late replies etc.. now all the suicidal thoughts are kicking in again, i don’t think i’ll ever find someone who loved me like he once did. i don’t want to be all alone all over again

My parents have been entirely unhelpful so I feel like I need strangers to weigh in on this for me.
A stray cat had kittens at my house. We were able to contain momma and babies in an enclosure and I've been spending time with them daily to get the kittens friendly so that they can find pet homes, after which momma will be spayed. It was agreed that I would be allowed to keep one kitten, if my current cat decides she'll allow it. And here lies the issue!
There are two kittens that already have homes to go to. There are two that don't. The two that don't are named Soona and Anaya, and they're both girls. Soona is the kitten I have planned to keep since very early on. They're now about 6 weeks old or so, maybe closer to 7, and their personalities are coming out. The problem is Soona doesn't like to be held -- she squirms and wriggles to get away, and she's the only one in the litter who does this. Anaya is perfectly content to be held. Soona bites harder and is generally rougher. Anaya is obviously still rough since she's a kitten, but less so. Soona's first reaction to a finger is to bite (playfully) whereas Anaya's is to rub her face on it. Sometimes Anaya even grabs my finger and pulls it to her face so she can rub on it. Soona has never rubbed on me.
Soona is turning out to not have the personality I was looking for -- I'd prefer a kitten that is affectionate and will cuddle, because my current cat is very "go eff yourself" in personality. My mother says if Soona's personality turns out to be like my current cat, she will make me rehome her later. I know that there's no guarantee and their personalities can change as they get older, but I'd like the best chance possible. I'm starting to feel that Anaya might be the best chance.
I'm also worried that Soona's personality being so feisty might cause issues with my current cat, who is also feisty. I'm concerned that their personalities might clash into aggression. Then again if Anaya is too gentle, my current cat might bully her. I'm not sure which would be the better option with my current cat. Unfortunately I can't test them both with her because I don't have time for proper introductions before I have to decide. I've been given a deadline to choose. June 1st they're old enough to go, and my mother wants them gone that day, end of discussion. So I have very little time left to decide which kitten to keep, and try to find a home for the other in time. I'm worried that it would be difficult to find a home for Soona because people want cuddly, sweet kittens and that isn't her personality. Also, Anaya is being considered by multiple people who are thinking about adopting her and I don't know if any of them would want Soona instead if I decide to keep Anaya.
I feel guilty because I've spent this whole time bonding with Soona, and now I'm second guessing if she would be the right one to keep. I know they're cats, they don't understand the concept of "he was going to keep me and he didn't, I've been betrayed!" but I still feel so torn up over even considering keeping Anaya instead. I don't know if I could let Soona go at this point after bonding with her for a couple months. But part of me knows that if I met the two of them without prior bonding, I would choose Anaya. This is just so hard.
I know their personalities can change as they get older, and that there's no way to know for sure what they'll be like. But my current cat, who doesn't appreciate physical contact, behaved alot like Soona around this age give or take a couple weeks. It makes me nervous about what Soona will be like when she's an adult.
I understand that there's only so much you guys can do through hearing all of this second hand, but I'd love some advice, reassurance, anything. I'm overwhelmed and stressed and don't have long to make this decision.

This is tagged as a Spoiler, but only if you haven’t watched Season 3 Part 1 yet-
So I have seen a lot of conversation about whether or not Penelope and Colin’s relationship has felt rushed so far. Personally, I feel like the relationship this season does feel a bit awkwardly paced and I’m going to explain my reasonings.
A big argument used for why their relationship isn’t rushed is that it’s been in development for 2 seasons. I’m sorry, you mean Penelope’s unrequited love for Colin?? That’s not really development, I mean Penelope’s relationship to Colin in the beginning of season 3 is the same as it is in the beginning of season 1… unrequited, nothing has developed or changed on that end other than her overhearing his hurtful words about her. So I don’t really think their relationship being stalled at that stage for 2 seasons means that it can’t be rushed once it is being developed. In fact I rather feel it’s the opposite because when you sort of build up that anticipation around certain characters over multiple seasons, you better be able to make that payout satisfying. (Think of like HIMYM, lot of build up for a horrible last 6 episodes😂)
And those arguing- actually it just went over y’all’s head, Colin has had feelings for Penelope all along, he just didn’t realize…yeah, seemed like it when he proposed to that other girl, or told his bros he would never court her💀like yes, I get it- He sought her out, and wrote to her, and enjoyed hanging out with her, but the boy was oblivious, and I really needed more from him this season to make up for that fact.
Another thing that bugs me-
Colin has gotten a lot of credit in the show this season for helping Penelope on the Marriage Mart…like I need the writers to be so for real with me, what has Colin actually done to help Penelope draw in a suitor besides himself??💀because from my perspective, he’s done quite the opposite….

• He criticized her behind her back to eligible bachelors and told them he would never think courting her even though she was his friend.
• His plan to “train” her by himself in his house (that she was hesitant about) caused her to be caught in scandal that the whole ton found out about
• He literally destroyed her chance with her one other potential prospect before even knowing if she actually wanted to be with him over the other guy

So really Penelope should be at least a little pissed at Colin. For me, this would add the tension that I feel this story is missing. Something maybe like…

• Colin interrupts Penelope and Lord Debling, and Lord Debling finds out about their potential love from Cressida
• Penelope gets rejected by Lord Debling because of her potential love for Colin and she leaves the ball super upset
• Colin chases after her and ends up confessing even though she is clearly upset at him
• Penelope is all like “How dare you?! I have loved you for years, and have waited for the day that you would see me as more than just your friend, but the minute I finally resign myself to never being anything more to you, to find a lifelong companion in someone else, you ruin my chance…and for what?? I cannot be some passing fade for you like those women in your journal, like Marina…my heart could not handle it! Thank you for your help, but no thank you. I will find a husband by the end of this season and it won’t be because Colin Bridgerton took pity on me…”
• So we have a double confession, and Colin knows that Penelope has feelings for him, but he has to prove to her how series he actually is. This adds tension, he has to pine and grovel.
• And he is doing some real like public declaration of love type of stuff to try and win her over and show her how much he cares and how sorry he is for the stuff he did/said before.
• This kind of works in her favor because she actually managed to pull in a couple of new prospects because of a Bridgerton now being after her. Maybe she even writes about it as Lady Whistledown to help boost her prospects.
• Then obviously it reaches a point where she realizes he’s completely serious and devoted to her, and she doesn’t want to give him up either, and she accepts his proposal.

I think something like this would have been a lot more satisfying than him being kind of oblivious until episode 3 where he realizes he likes her and proposes to her one episode later, and her immediately accepting despite being mad at him 2 minutes earlier.
Of course another big argument people make is- “well the people complaining haven’t read the books because this is exactly how it happens” and to that I say- My criticism isn’t about whether it’s accurate to the books or not, it’s about whether the story is satisfying. So say it is exactly like the books, then I guess I’m criticizing the book too😂
Anyways, please feel free to comment your agreement or disagreement, I would love to hear other’s opinions on this topic!

The Context:

A user posts to /BoomersBeingFools wondering if boomers don’t eat enough and are “starving” themselves, and by extension pushing their expectations unfairly onto others.
Many users quickly take issue with OOP’s premise. The discussion quickly devolves into multiple slapfights, insults over weight, and the war in Gaza.

The Drama:

Does metabolism change as people age?

People commenting it’s cause they’re older and don’t need to eat as much. Yes, I know that could be a part of it, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly them just being judgy/brainwashed by diet culture/think it’s absurd to spend money on eating out…

"Brainwashed by diet culture" ah so in other words you are obese and need to eat a lot and probably deeply into healthy at any size/fat acceptance.
No they just know they don't need 5000 calori3s a day to exist.

I’m obese for wanting to eat some lunch and dinner? 🤯

No I say that because of "brainwashed by diet culture" there's exactly one group that talks like that.

You must not get out much

[Continued:]

I do actually it's how I maintain not being fat. Limiting calories to under 2500 and being outside moving a lot.

I lost 140 pounds by eating more. 🤷 starving myself led to weight gain.

I'm sure you eat more but less calories in total. No one increases their calories and losses sorry.

You're wrong. Instunted my metabolism and my body was holding on to the weight to protect me.
I was eating skinless baked chicken and plain broccoli for 2 years and could not lose weight. I was sick and exhausted but worked out all the time.
Started eating carbs and the weight came melting off.
Sorry :)

[Continued:]

For sure. Thats why all the body builders are morbidly obese. They eat chicken and broccoli and their body just goes into starvation mode and holds all the fat. Same with like the concentration camps. All those poor morbidly obese starving people. Once we saved them and fed them the weight just shed off. It's the craziest thing.

It's almost like bodies are different, user name doesn't check out, a nerd would know that 🤔

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

[…]

i guess the law of thermodymanics doesnt apply to you.
You should get studied. Defying the laws of thermodynamics is pretty impressive!

[…]

Tell me you see someone fat in the store and cringe inside/judge them for no reason without ever speaking to them without telling me 😂
You dislike/hate fat people for the horrid crime of being fat when they don't think about you at all and haven't ever wronged you in any way at all.
Also, I can tell you have never struggled with your weight in the past due to not giving a shit how hating random people for looking a certain way effects them. That, or you did struggle once, and bought into the haters telling you you were worth less based on the number on the scale, in which case I am sorry you believe that.

Dude I was 350lbs at my heaviest. People love saying "oh he says weightloss is eat less move more? Clearly he wants to genocide fat people" but no that's not it at all. I lost tons and most of the people around me went from morbid obesity to overweight or a normal weight. We changed our lifestyles and got in shape. The people that didn't lose weight claim all kinds of medical issues but none of them changed their diet and not of them want to work out. It's pretty clear how to lose weight. That's all.
No more no less no hate.

Wanna know how I know you're a liar or incredibly ignorant of how you come off?
You say you don't dislike them but make fun of their physical disabilities like it's funny. It's not funny. You're making fun of them. It's not funny to make fun of people for having disabilities or for how they look. You perpetuate hate against them that makes them feel like crap for being alive. I don't care about your spiel about medical issues or dieting in general or the fat acceptance movement. When you make fun of disabled people who have trouble walking i'm going to call you out on it. That's exactly what you did. Whether they're fat or not I refuse to make fun of people for that.

I have never made fun of a single person. Only a movement that claims you can be healthy at any size. You can't be vastly under or over weight and be healthy.

Whatever you say buddy. Keep on making fun of people because they can't walk or cope some more that it wasn't directed at a specific person. Have fun with that.

[Continued:]

Shut the fuck up fatty

Insults are made, ending with accusations of sockpuppeting:

I don't think you realize how pathetic you sound. When my jaw was broken I went 6 weeks without solid food and I'm sitting here rolling my eyes at your propensity for letting your stomach color your opinions of other people. I'd bet dollars to dimes that your body mass index is over 30.

Hey.
You should know:
It costs $0 to not be a dick.

I'll pay that cover charge any day of the week. Especially when I'm dealing with a major league dipshit like [Candy_cane999]
Radagast was brown, nerd.

Wow, you’re disgusting. It’s not that deep

Says the person here gossiping about their relative's metabolism. "Not that deep" lol you made a judgment about an entire generation of people because your family member wasn't hungry..lol fuck off
I bet you are high as a kite right now from all the users here agreeing with you, even if they haven't a fucking clue what they are talking about.
Seriously, though, how fat are you? I'm guessing fat enough that you can't hide that stomach roll when you sit down.

High as a kite? Huh? Relax weirdo, it’s just Reddit

You still haven't told us how fat you are.

Damn this guy hates fat people !

I used to be one.

[Continued:]

So now you just hate fat people for fun?

People with no self control, ESPECIALLY when that self control would benefit their health, are people who are functionally useless as human beings. They are the pieces of shit who would hoard food while everyone else is starving.
It ain't for fun.
Do you comment on Reddit to be an annoying middle child?

Ahhh yes. The fat people are useless excuse. Okay bud have fun out there!

It seems you have to self control over your feelings little guy. Go out there and practice some self control!
Bitter, party of one.

[…]

Get a life, chill

Get a life, chill

Ah yes, the mating call of people who "have lives"...ohhhhhh the irony.

😂sounds like you’re projecting. What’s it like still living in your boomer mom’s basement?

lol "projecting", I see you have your masters in Reddit psychology.

What’s it like still living in your boomer mom’s basement?

Oooooof, sounds like someone is...................................................................................projecting.

You do realize calling someone fat is the easiest most insecure insult to throw out there. Classic textbook. Hypocrite

I used to be fat as fuck, 270lbs at 5'10. I'll judge you fatties all I damn well please.
You keep avoiding answering the question. You're a landwhale, aren't you?

Ahha! There it is. It’s because you hate yourself. Hope you’re in therapy

[Continued:]

The more you avoid this the more we know what kind of person we are dealing with.
You talk shit about people who have self control to excuse how fat and disgusting you are.

[…]

Dude why admit that, all you are showing is that you had become really fat, and rather than learn a healthy relationship with food even at that extreme point, you just chose to hate food in general. You took the easy way out because nobody ever taught you portion control. Your loss I guess.

I admit it because I was raised in a home where I couldn't get up until my plate was clean and my mother made sure there were never leftovers that way. I admit it because it is the truth and I don't lie or omit details to make myself sound better. I admit it to show I can relate to being a fatfuck. I admit it because being fat is a choice.
”why would you say something true about yourself!?" - if that isn't Reddit-in-a-nutshell I don't know what is.

I'm just saying it makes you look like you just hated yourself and were pushing that onto another person that may or may not have a healthier relationship with food than you, that's all.

[…]

They didn't answer did they?

After several attempts they've avoided even talking about their fat stores and are now trying the victim angle.

No doubt. Fatty McFat Fat can't comprehend people not being addicted to constant feedings.
Reddit in a nutshell.

Bro's talking to himself on an alt ​

Then, there’s this:

OP is a fat fuck

As a former fatass this was my immediate thought

I knew as soon as he said road trip to Florida

For wanting lunch and dinner? You’re sick
They’re someone whos whole identity is shoving food in their mouth. Look at their username

Eat shit.

One user thinks they’re speaking uncomfortable truths:

If StandardSafe isn’t willing to say it again, I will: grow up and get over it. 99% of the people who say they “aren’t heavy” actually are, your dad was probably just being a concerned parent. “unhealthy relationship with food”, LMAO. A first-world problem for sure

No, he was just a bully and abusive. But thanks for playing.
That’s a really weird thing to say to a stranger, dude
You ok bro? Did that make you feel good about yourself? To insult a stranger because you personally didn’t have to deal with abuse? Or let me guess, you did, but it made you a “strong man” who knows what’s best for everyone.
You don’t know me. You have no idea what my childhood and young adulthood was like and maybe it sounds like a “first world problem” (which by the way, is so fucking dismissive and gross to say to people when they an issue) to you, but for me it became an eating disorder that I still struggle with in my 40s.
I’m going to try to say this as politely as I can, please fuck off into the sun with your bullshit and go troll somewhere else. You’re an asshole who seems to get off on insulting people to get your pathetic dick hard. I hope you don’t have kids because I worry if you do how fucked up they are and if you’re married I feel terrible for your wife. But let’s be honest, you’re a sad, lonely, angry man who has nothing better to do.
Dumbass takes like this are part of the reason people develop eating disorders on both ends of the spectrum.
You're gonna tell me someone who is suffering from Anorexia/Bulimia just needs to "grow up and get over it"?
You need to grow up and take a biology class.

When did the commenter say she had anorexia/bulimia? Those are actual eating disorders…she just said she eats very little and blames her dad.
A biology class, really? Psychology sounds more like it. Or are you telling me you learned about eating disorders in a bio class? Where was that, at some sort of school that gives out certificates in self-actualization or holistic-healing?

Sorry -- from what school did you get a psychology degree that allows you to label Anoerixa/Bulimia as "actual" eating disorders but not what OP described?

The school of hard knocks 😂 he’s so superior to us that he can diagnose a stranger through the internet on Reddit based on a paragraph that seemed to make him bigly angry.
He’s just a sad man who needs to get off by insulting people. He can go live that life and we’ll be over on this said being human to each other.

Finally, the war in Gaza is brought up for some reason:

You know that on the other side of the apartheid wall Israel set up there are thousands of people who had access to the Dead Sea (and their homes), that was changed by the establishment of Israel. Millions of people around the world are coming to the decision to boycott any company that supports the Israeli Apartheid Occupation. Millions are urging their universities and employers to divest any money and programs with the genocidal force that is Israel. I urge you and your family to take a hard look at yourselves and learn what Israel really is made of. Then the logical decision will be to never visit or spend a dime in Israel until their genocide and apartheid ends. Ty

Take a walk off a short pier.

This response is unhinged.
“Learn about an ongoing genocide, with bombs falling through the air as we speak, that you knowingly or unknowingly support, that we can do something about”
“Your response”
Please just look someone in the eyes today and remember what it means to be a human. Each of us is a library of life, and we’re constantly diminishing the value of each other as “enemies”.
I’d rather that than share air with someone who supports the ongoing genocide. Not for me, not for you, but for the kids and our collective humanity: please learn something new today.

You’re supporting the death of my family in Israel. Seriously, you’re a PoS

Before Israel was, there was Palestine. Palestine was for all. Muslims, Christians, and Jewish families all lived together. We all visited Jerusalem.
When Israel decided that only Jewish people would now be allowed in to these random borders drawn over Palestine, well, that should come off as racist. Now the Christian and Muslim Palestinians had their villages raided and their women raped by a well funded militia, before it became the IDF. This terrorised the Palestinians that lived in their homes, so they ran.
Then these homes were empty.
The land without people for the People without a land. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. The people that were born there were displaced by a terrorist militia, and now it was a land magically without a people.
And your family came in, and settled in “Israel”. A family out there has the keys to the very home your family lives in in Israel, although you’ve probably changed the locks by now.
But for generations this land fed them and protected them from the elements. All of a sudden it’s yours?
And the people Israel oppresses, the thousands of Palestinians that are in prison with no trial. Children and women Palestinians have been taken captive for over 70 years!! Where’s the outrage?
Are we not human?
When we say free Palestine from the river to the sea. It’s for everybody. Come by and buy my home. But please don’t show up with an armed force ready to exterminate me for refusing you the home my forefathers have called their own.
TLDR Israel is the fire nation in avatar the last airbender.
The best way I can put it is.. if a bunch of armed chickens showed up and kicked you and your family out of their homes, one day you might want to fight those armed chickens back instead of being homeless. Israel are the armed chickens

The Flairs:

• “We boomers don’t hungry as often as you gamers”
  
• “ok nerdguy 👍🏼”
  
• “Radagast was brown, nerd.”
  

I (30F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been together for 5 years. When we were 1 year into dating, his childhood cancer returned at stage 4. We were absolutely devastated. This rare form of cancer is treatable but likely never curable, and at that time there was no treatment working. We were convinced he was not going to make it much more than a year or 2. We stayed together through it all, and that 2nd year we did find a clinical, experimental trial. Fast-forward 3 years and that trial has been working this entire time! The cancer has not changed at all- no growth, no improvement, but he does not and has never had any physical symptoms from the cancer or the treatment. His physical quality of life is ideal, he feels good and is extremely fit, but psychologically the impact has always been extremely tough on him.
The year we were together before the cancer, we had lots of friends and were very happy and sexual. Now, sex has decreased significantly, I have to push for a physical relationship and to include him in my large social life or to encourage him to expand his friendships outside of school/work, and I can see how much pain he is in emotionally knowing the future will likely always be uncertain. To clarify, he is stable on an experimental medication and there is no way to know if and when treatment will stop working.
We moved to a new city together this year, and I am trying really hard to get back the life we had. I have been unhappy in the relationship because he is less sexual, affectionate, social, and generally outwardly unhappy. I love him more than anything and would build a future with him if we had the sex life and social life I need, I have come to terms with what the cancer means for that, but I can no longer stand what we have lost in the relationship. this is where I am afraid that I'm TAH. I came to him (not out-of-the-blue, many smaller conversations built up to this) saying that I cannot continue the relationship without extreme improvements.
Our conversation made it clear to him that I understand his trauma response and that this is not his fault, and that I understand how difficult it is to fix everything I am asking for when it is coming from a place of trauma, but that I simply do not know what to do because I cannot be in a relationship like this at such a young age. I am afraid that I am being TAH by putting him in a tough position where I don't know that it is possible for him to be "fully himself" during this chapter of his cancer. While it is true that I want nothing more than to fix things and be with him, I fear that it would be best for him if I simply left with no conditions for him to meet rather than forcing him to try to keep me when that may be more responsibility than he can take on right now.
He adamantly does not want to break up, and I do not either but am more afraid of continuing to feel like his roommate than I am of breaking up. I proposed the idea of separate apartments but dating, or taking a break from dating so he can focus on himself (this is not an effort on my part to see other people, that is not a thought right now). He does not want to separate in any way and is sure that he can fix things, but this is a cycle that has been going on for years. I have encouraged him to seek therapy and to ride his motorcycle more which makes him really happy, but it has not been long enough into those weekly rides to see if there is improvement for us. So AITA for posing conditions for me to stay, rather than accepting that my choices are to (1) suck it up and support him without posing ultimatums or (2) leaving more swiftly so that he does not feel responsibilities that may be too much right now?
Info:
The specific changes I asked for were more physical initiation from him, more affection and positive words, more social events together and a conscious effort to search for harmony whether that be therapy or something else like motorcycle rides. It was also framed to him as wanting what we had before the cancer took over our lives, and he gets what that means in the broader sense. It's an acceptance of life that we both let go of in different ways, I am not the one with cancer but I also let go of the world for years from the fear of losing him.
He is in agreement that all symptoms in our relationship are direct results of trauma and grief from the cancer diagnosis and the emotional rollercoaster of treatment. He acknowledges that the changed relationship I describe to him is for the most part true.
Cancer is relevant because it is the reason for his psychological change, but it is not a reason for me to leave. I have had years to come to terms with it and am willing to go the long-run with him if cancer itself were the only issue and we were both otherwise very happy. He is the strongest person I have ever known, and I have extreme faith that he will beat this and live a healthy life. If we were both happy with our relationship, I would be thrilled to marry him and adopt babies together even with the risks.

Hi im joe and im wondering why algeria government does not have any suicide helpline my friend from algeria committed suicide last 2weeks he was very sick and depressed i told him last year to visit an therapist and he did but nothing changed I tried to help him i was worried about him last to week i was too busy with work he called me but I didn’t respond after I checked my phone I found a voicemail from him he told me to care about myself and to keep grinding so i can achieve my dreams he said he took enough and there’s nothing to do about him he started crying and he said i feel a big hole inside my chest and i feel like im brainless and he cant hold that pain In the end he said “ joe… I know ur suffering too and ur struggling with ur depression and suicidal thoughts he said pls joe stay strong for me don’t be weak like i am now Goodbye joe ur the thing that happened in my life i love you my brother “ I tried to call him after this voicemail cuz i was worried but he didn’t respond the few hours later he’s friend texted me and he told me everything I started to cry out of my hell i started yelling ur a selfish mohamed ur a fucking selfish u left forever Ngl that day i took every single drugs to stop the pain and the tears I couldn’t sleep for a week every sec I spend it thinking about him and to end my life too i felt soo good around him ill miss him forever he was such a great person Ngl i loved him like brother he was my family Idk when its my turn sooner or later cus i don’t feel myself living longer If i just respond could he be here with me today? If just theres an suicide helpline in algeria it could be ? Im tired guys ngl i want to end it now but im weak

Context, I am a pretty decent all rounder in souls games, played Elden ring, sekiro, bloodborne, beat all of the bosses and love this series of games. Simon Manus second phase is the first time I genuinely feel hopeless. It feels like he has no punishable windows, if I hit and run he catches up to me because in the process of blocking his long range magic, he does his arena sweep and kills me and I can’t dodge both. If I’m aggressive he pushes me again with his wave and uses his BS long range magic. I hate this boss fight so much I have been stuck here for 6 months (+ a 2 month break) and I am at the point of giving up. I love this game so much and had so much fun, Manus is just too much for me and I don’t know what to do, I would love some advice or something.

“im a p*dophile” is such a constant thought as a parent even tho I know i’m not but what if I am??? How do I know i’m not in denial? But I know i’m not but what if I am? ugh it’s so hard.
I thank God my mum is here and understands that today I can’t touch my boy and is helping me but at the same time my boy doesn’t understand why i’m avoiding him, why I won’t touch him, why we didn’t have a cuddle and play together.
The questions I ask myself are: How will my OCD effect him in the long run? Does he know I still and will always love him? Will he develop something by watching my behaviour?
It’s so hard and it hurts. I truly want whats best for my boy but my mother had mental health isssues that effected me even tho I knew/know she loves me and I’m terrified of my boy growing up like me… it’s so hard. Anyway that’s my lil rant i’m just… struggling today :/

Hi Reddit. This is my first ever post and a throwaway because I don't want this to get back to her. I don't even know really where to start. I should give some context, so here goes nothing. My sister, we'll call her Gabby, has only ever had one boyfriend her entire life. She met her boyfriend, we'll call him Marvin, in high school. They've been together ever since and eventually got married. When Marvin stepped into the picture, Gabby started acting differently towards her friends and family. She stopped hanging out with her friends and became snappy with the family. I figured this was typical teenage behavior. Over the years, her and my relationship grew distant, as I never really thought Marvin was a good fit for her as he made her mean and isolated her from the things she once loved (she stopped hanging out with her friend group she was once constantly hanging out with, started making mean comments and jokes directed towards me even though we were once close, etc). Anyways, fast forward to a year after they're married. They're trying for a baby, but they are still living with family. Despite living with family, they refuse to disclose any personal life details with the family. Weird, but okay, you're an adult. They ended up buying an old house that needs to be completely renovated without telling anyone that they were even thinking about buying a house. Anyways, they have their child, and they wanted everyone to get shots before meeting their child. We all complied. We asked to hold their child and they refused, which I respected. They said that we would be able to hold their child when she was a bit older. She is now more than a few months old and they still refuse to let anyone hold her. Whatever, they're allowed to parent the way they want to parent. This story is so complex and forever ongoing that I don't even know where to begin with it. There have been multiple instances where the slightest thing anyone in my family does sets Gabby off. For instance, there was a piece of furniture that my mom let me use that was just in their basement being unused that once belonged to Gabby. This upset Gabby so much that she, an adult in her 20's actively trying for a baby, rolled around the floor screaming and ripping out her hair. I had to restrain her from harming herself over this. When I asked why this escalated to the point it did, I was told that it was truly only over the furniture, nothing else. There are many other instances like this which only started when Gabby met Marvin.
Since Gabby and Marvin married, Gabby's relationship with our mom has significantly deteriorated. Their relationship had been strong up until that point, so this came as a shock. It has been really hard on our mom. Gabby will call/text our dad, but ignore the calls/texts from our mom. So we know that this action is deliberate. For context, there's nothing that ever happened between the two of them that would have sparked this behavior. No big fight, no major viewpoint differences, nothing. However, Marvin has always had a rough relationship with his mother.
Anyways, The biggest thing that happened recently that led me to write this post revolves around a mothers day. Last year, Gabby did not acknowledge mothers day at all. She didn't call/text/send flowers/ do anything for our mom. Radio silence. This year, Gabby is a mother. My mom gave Gabby a very nice mothers day gift, which she did not thank her for, and Gabby only acknowledged the date by sending a group text message. I don't want to go too far into detail to keep my identity hidden, but this really upset my mother.
I did not say happy mothers day to Gabby, but this was not an intentional act of malice. I worked 12 hours that day and really only thought mothers day was for your own mother. I guess some people acknowledge all of the mothers in their life, but I only acknowledged my own mother. This really upset Gabby and when I tried to explain my view, she didn’t want any of it. I apologized, but the call ended with feelings still heightened. She has since stopped returning my calls/texts/DMs. It's been almost a week since this happened.
I recently found out that Marvin and Gabby had stopped communication completely with Martin's side of the family. This was seemingly also an unwarranted decision on their part - a family member got so worried that they weren't returning calls/texts that they drove out to see them and check on them (mind you, they live hours away) just to find out that the lack of communication was intentional and that they were no longer speaking to their family.
It seems like every time I see Gabby/Marvin, something that I do sets them off. They always have a reason to be upset with me. When I try to explain my actions, they don't want to come to a resolution and see eye to eye, they just want me to apologize and admit that i'm wrong - even when I don't feel like what I did was wrong. I feel like i'm always apologizing for things that I don't need to be apologizing for and that they dictate everything in the mess of a relationship we do have. I am all for setting boundaries, but she won't communicate her boundaries and then blow up on you when you violate them.
There's so much more to this story I could literally go on and on.
Essentially, I fear that Marvin is painting Gabby's family and friends in a way that makes her want to cut us all off. Gabby doesn't have any friends outside of her husband besides a few people she sees at religious events. Gabby doesn't talk to my mom, and now isn't talking to me. I fear that she may be in an abusive relationship due to the fact that ever since Gabby married Marvin (her first and only boyfriend) she has become more and more isolated.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Gabby also is the primary breadwinner and ALSO the primary caregiver to their child.
I don't know what to think of this and I know that this post is scrambled, but I'm all ears to what the people of reddit have to say about this situation. I will try and provide more context if necessary in the comments, but do you think that Gabby is in an abusive relationship and that Marvin is isolating her from the people who love her? Or what do you think is going on?